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#but every single plan ive made this month i have cancelled

viathecloset · 1 month

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Dear Taetae lovers,

I write to you all with utmost respect and understanding, don't mind sharing this with your circles as you like as well.

Let me start off by thanking the wonderful and extremely professional fan bases and their admins who are ever so hardworking and dedicated without missing a beat. (With a few going on an indefinite rest today I thank you all so very much for your dedication and love)

I just deactivated my twitter accounts today, I have been planning on for a while now but today felt apt enough.

Taehyung has worked so incredibly hard throughout his career, but especially since the second half of last year and with the beginning of layover we've got endless content from him, even after he enlisted we got multiple photoshoots, an MV as an actor, a gift song and a digital single all in just 3 months. I couldn't have been more greatful to witness such artist who is so very passionate about his own craft and loves his fans so dearly. Every moment of it ive thoroughly enjoyed and made me proud of my artist.

That being said, the outside hasn't been quite a pretty site to say the least, constantly tagging the incompetent agency, huge blunders, sales being cancelled, fraudlence over that faced with hypocrisy of the fandom, shippers, biased armys, boycott, shippers, other fandoms everything, everything has been so tough, even on mental health sometimes, and said fanbases and our fellow Taehyung lovers have constantly defended and stood up for him, which might have inturn be a little stressful on us who just wanted to appreciate our favorite artist.

I just want to say to yall that you've done well, you've worked hard. But very there is going to be an unavoidable drought we might be facing very soon though. And it might be a long one. I just want to say, take that break, keep your playists running, stream anyway you want, appreciate him but if u need to take a break, go ahead and do it, its okay, we can come back anytime he comes too, its gonna get a little quieter now though but don't worry, the love isn't going anywhere, we shall keep showering him with so much adoration, we shall hype his activities, we shall keep streaming,buying and voting as necessary but take a break if u must, there's a world outside X or Instagram or anything for that matter. Do what you must, take that break off socials trust me Taehyung would love it if you prioritized real life before social media. You did well, we can sit down now it's okay ♡

#bts #army #taehyung #kim taehyung #taetae #thv #v #bts v #vante #lovers #art #music #love #thoughts #fanbase #streaming

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abvfluxing · 11 months

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Several months ago i told my roommate i wasnt interested in looking at a new place to live, bcus at the time i figured there was a good chance i wouldnt still be living in ohio in the next several months to year. (I never told her why i didnt want to look at new places thankfully). Bcus i thot things were going to keep moving in a positive way with him. Very stupid of me.

I waited 6 months on two things. "Idk how I feel " and "we will meet in person". 6 fucking months of waiting patiently.

And when i finally bring up the first thing i get "well i don't think i feel that way... but who knows what the future holds". Wtf. half a year and you still cant say it decisively. I tried so hard to take that as a definitive response and move on, but it wasnt and i couldnt. Bcus im an idiot.

After the first cancelled meeting i waited. Then a second cancelled meeting. And he says "well im not going out of my way looking to pick up trips to go that way, itll happen when it happens". I keep waiting. One day i try to sincerely explain how much its hurting me to wait to meet like this, and how much I want to take the initiative and plan a trip to his city. And how worried i am about the whole "flight school" on the horizon since its going to most likely alter his schedule in such a way that him and i will have so little free time at the same time. And how that scares me bcus it feels like the first step to losing him completely. And this is another reason im pushing to make a meeting happen.

So Making it very very clear that i only would want for one small simple meeting, like a lunch, and that if thats all i got with him that would be enough bcus i also just really want to travel somewhere and see things jve never seen and that taking a plane by myself is a very scary thing, but if im going somehwere where i know a friend is on the otherside it gives me the strength to do something so extreme for myself, i mean im someone that gets stressed and anxious just trying to go to a store or run errands. He says "no, i cant guarantee it would work out to meet, and i dont want you to spend all that money and be disappointed" also "im not out to my family so itd be comllicated to have you over as anything other than a friend". First of all, im not even allowed to try and make something happen. 2nd with weeks ahead of time anybody can plan for a single lunch to happen once out of 2 or 3 days possible. 3rd it must not matter how important it is to me, to be able to try and do something like this, how little i expect how little commitment im asking for it, how unobtrusive im trying to be but also experience something. It doesnt matter. 4th, what the fuck is that second excuse coming from? I didnt ask to meet your family, i didnt ask to come over to a family dinner and ve introduced as your boyfriend. How is that a concern when ive made it clear none of that is expected? (Well stupid ass me thinks only someone thinking of doing those things would randomly bring them up when they were not previously stated). 5thly, if you had a job that would literally PAY you to go and visit your alleged "best friend" ... wouldnt you kinda fucking want to do that? Wouldnt that be cool as shit? If i could get paid to visit some of my friends, i think maybe i might try and make that happen every once in a while. So he wont take a paid trip to see me, and im not allowed to pay for my own trip to him. Kinda really sounds like "i dont want to meet you". Only took this dumbass about 8 months to realize that one.

The last couple of weeks ive been trying to act "normal ". Im not messaging him everyday, even tho i want to. And it fucking hurts me. And idk how he feels about it, or if hes even noticed. Not like he would ever really tell me the truth anyway. So im an idiot and an asshole.

I can't even get him to say something as simple as "i want to spend time with you" i tried so hard one night to see if he could even say that much, it didnt work. Bcus im an idiot.

We had two big fights recently too. The one everyone could see where he made it clear he thinks im stupid as shit. And then a second one a few days later while in a discord call. He was upsetting me so much i had to hang up on him before i blew a gasket. Then i explained to him why i got so upset and his response was "wow you got upset over someone elses opinions". He was going to let the night end like that. Soni explained further why I was so upset. And he said something like "ok". And i had to be like "do i even get an apology?" (After i had already apologized for hanging up and getting upset, earlier in the convo). And only then did he finally give a half assed barely covering the problem apology. But I took it and rejoined the call after calming down a bit more. Once again i was being stupid and an ass.

Ever since those two fights i feel like i get treated like shit all the time. Like he is mad at me about stuff but cant even remotely bring it up outside of treating me like shit. But then the one day he streams its all "this is the game brad recommended for me, he knows me so well" blah blah blah. And weirdly nice replies sometimes. Like clearly something is up. But more likely im just an idiot.

He was trying to talk to me the other day, just a couple days after my "worst day" of the very very bad past two weeks. I told him "sorry i havent been feeling well". Him "oh are you sick. Me "well not like cough cough sick". Him " then what is it?". Me "its hard to say out loud". Him "oh ok".

And that was it. No reassurance, no "im here", no "i understand but you can talk to me if itd help". Nothing. Is that really how someone responds to their "best friend" clearly not being well? Its hard for me to tell bcus im so stupid.

And then the announcement earlier. Came with no warning to me. Last i heard he hadnt heard back from any places. And hours before he posted that he asked what I was doing, and i was playing totk amd watching gdq with the roommate. Not really a good time for him and i to play a game together that would take the main tv in the living room. So he said ok have fun. And i said "if you want to hang out in a call thatd be cool". Him "well id have to go in the other room, ill just stay in the living its more comfortable". Me "ok well lmk if you figure out how to use discord in the living room and id be down to hang out". Him "id either have to wear headphones and not hear the game or put you on speaker and youd hear my game. Which is so annoying". Me "i normally use headphone and just leave one ear uncovered to hear the game. Also so when my games have been too loud". Him "its mostly my friend nate 'blah blah blah" convo ends. And a couple hours later we get that announcement.

Hes got his next two months planned out basically. One month of "working back to back" which contains two weeks off, one of which an international vacation! Lmao. Followed by starting school the next month. two weeks before my birthday! How perfect! I messaged him and told him im happy to hear that he finally heard back from a place. And that im happy for him. But im also so fucking pissed. Ive told him how this school thing coming worries me, and he makes a group post instead of telling his "best friend" first. Isnt that fucked up? Once again im being treated like shit. And hes able to have two weeks off in june, including an 8 day international vacation. But i get "ill try to stream for those other days". Somebody you said "we will meet eventually" and you cant make room for me after all this time before turning your whole lifes schedule around making it so you know we wont be able to hang out anymore. So clearly im a huge fucking asshole for having such selfish fucking thots when all i should have thot was "oh yay good for you!". But hey thats what you get when your a stupid worthless ashole am i right? 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆

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qualityempathshoebear · 1 year

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2022, a crashing rollercoaster

Hey you,

its been a while. Ok yeah, maybe a little more than "a while". The year is over, and i think its time to reflect. But first, let me catch you up on everything thats happened since I last came on here.

Im still in Leeds, and will realistically stay here until I leave for University. Youre probably wondering what happened, why im not in Singapore. Well... my dads job didnt think he had enough experience, so what was supposed to be a delay, turned into a cancellation. So I have basically had to go to a school i wasnt supposed to be at in the first place, for a whole half-year. It was absolutly horrible and I had no friends. There were three (sometimes four) nice girls who I would sit with during snack and lunch. But it was almost always just us sitting in silence or me going on the computer in front of me, so I didnt look like an absolute fucking loser. I would go on VG and read the news every day and must have looked like such a loner to the people behind me. The girls were nice, but I didnt feel like we ever got to know eachother, I felt so fake the entire time.

And dont get me fucking started on the morning forms. I fucking hated coming in there just to sit in awkward silnce while staring ahead. And those horrible meditation sessions that the form tutor would do. I would just sit there with my hands in my lap, hoping for it to end. The girl sitting next to me was nice tho. I think she could tell I wasnt enjoying myself. I can honestly say I had no friends in that place, and that it was single-handedly the worst school experience I had ever had. And I know parts of it was my fault. I wasnt willing to make friends because everything felt so temporary. Even being in England still does. But wait, why are you talking in past tense? Im happy you asked. You see, I begged my dad to send an email to IB headquarters and ask to get the official copy of my diploma so I can apply directly into college (Englands equivalnce to highschool), without having to take their middle school exam (because fuck that!). And it luckily arrived on the last day of chistmas break... so I dropped out.

The plan now is that im going abroad to stay with my aunt until september, because I honestly just cant deal with staying in this horribly sad country. Everything about it is sad. The weather, the food, the disgustinly chlorinated water, the people, the buildings, even their fucking buildings are sad. I just cant fucking deal with it, It so similair to back home. No, its ven worse here. What was even the point of moving.

I have been so incredibly stressed because of the whole situation and its really taken a tole on me. I have had so much anxiety, to the point where I cant even sleep at night without panicking. Im constantly tired, I have lost so much weight, I have a breast infection in both my breasts (to be fair, I did have it before coming here), im depressed, and honestly, a little sui*idal.

To make matters worse, my parents have become religous freaks. And its definelty not helping that my mom has befriended some super religous woman, with the same background as us. Theyre making me do some weird post-menstruation shower ritual every fucking month (yes, theyve been tracking my period, gross!). Dont get me wrong, I dont actually end up doing them. I protest for a while and then I lie and pretend like ive done it. Around two weeks ago my dad came to my room to tell me to do the ritual, and I told him I couldnt because I was sick (and i actually was). Long story short, he didnt believe me and started yelling at me. I told him he was pressuring me into becoming religious. He freaks out and basically threatens me and pushes me (at some point even yanking my phone out of my hands, saying hes going to take it from me). All this while my mom watches and doesnt do anything besides saying my dads name and grabbing his arm every now and them. She even left at some point, but made sure to come back to gaslight and guiltrip me. I told her that if anyone touched me ever again I would call the cops immidielty. I havent really spoken to dad since. Its honestly really strained the relationship with my parents, and its making me realise that we will never have a normal relationship. In some ways I wish I could just be religous so I could save myself the anger, stress, and constant fighting with my parents. But whenever I give the idea further thought, I cringe. Even religion is ruined for me because of them. I feel that I shouldnt be religous, as revenge. The only way I could ever see myself becoming religous, is if I married a muslim man, and he helped me heal from all this fucking trauma. But I dont think I will do that. The only upside is that he wouldnt leave me, because of the stigma of divorce in muslim communities. But heck, I honestly just want to be loved. As gross and sappy as that sounds.

This year was supposed to be filled with laughs, new starts, new frienships, money, and much more. And instead I got none of it. I dont know, maybe this is what I deserve. Its safe to say that 2022 was my worst year yet. There were some highs, but mostly lows. Real fucking lows.

Im honestly just happy that I get to leave this wet-red brick country (even if its just temporarly), and hopefully in the meantime, my dad will get a job somewhere else so we can leave. If not, University is my only way out.

Now youre pretty much all cought up with whats worth to be cought up on. Before I leave, Ill share my new years resolutions and what I hope to focus on in 2023.

New years resolutions:

-Drink 2L of water a day, Gain weight, Workout once a week, Grow finger and toe nails, start daily journal, Grow hair and repair hairline, Get a new hobby, Grow eyebrows and eyelashes, Read 3 books, Solve Cains Jawbone, Clear skin, and to watch a musical live.

And in 2023 I hope to repair (as much as possible) my mental and physical health.

That would be all for now, until next time! <3

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reapyboy · 3 years

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just some thoughts about the recent stuff and the vs community that i need to put somewhere before I explode haha (TLDR at the end)

(If you decide to read this, I would assume that ur caught up to everything that’s happened with this whole thing that happened in the first few days of April with VS_Experiences on Twitter (which no longer exists i think). If not, do your own research pls. I do apologize for not providing any screenshots, videos, or twitter threads, but the proof definitely out there, and you’ll have to take my word)

Speaking abt the vinesauce community in light of current events, the whole fiasco has definitely damaged my view of the community and some people’s responses reek of parasocial relationship. We truly have no idea if the accusations were true or false, but please stop acting like everything has been debunked. Whenever self projection and parasocial relationships were brought up on stream, the chat would always laugh at them and think they’re dumb (like with Dream), but it seems that thay suffer from one too.

He’s said several times to not put him on a pedestal and what were people doing? Still putting him on a pedestal when the accusations first came out. So many people saying stuff like “ive watched Vinny for years and he always puts a smile on my face! he would never do this he’s just a funny italian speen man!!!” or “he doesn’t seem like the kind of dude who would do that he’s kinda awkward and hates relationships!!” Look. Saying this kind of stuff is what prevents people from speaking out against someone with a big fanbase.

I have made several arts on the booru for Vinny and he is literally my favorite streamer. I tuned in for as many streams as I could in the past several years. As much as he has made me laugh throughout the years, I don’t know him. 99.9% of viewers do not know this man off stream, and never will, no matter how long you’ve been watching his streams. Most of us will never be one of his closest friends who knows the inner mechanisms of his mind. As much as he may talk about his interests and life experiences on stream, and as much as you can observe his mannerisms and personality, there is no way you could know absolutely everything about Vinny off stream. He wants to live privately, after all. But here’s the thing, even if one of us were friends with the guy, friends are allowed to keep secrets. Some friends do not share every single detail of their lives and interactions. My best friend that I’ve had since Kindergarten doesn’t know that I crashed my first car within a month of getting my license!

When it comes to the evidence, so many people were saying “that’s not the same icon! he would never type like this!!1!1” in the emails when it was proven that Yahoo emails just switch email icons to letters by default when receiving email from other online mail services. Plus, we also don’t know how he speaks if he flirts with women? He could totally be awkward like that.

As for psyops and targeted attacks by GPM or 4Chan, I don’t buy that they pre planned this “””attack”””. These theories of a 4Chan psyop were based off of like three? out of context screenshots that were most likely jokes. I also don’t believe it was an attack by GeePM based on the sole fact that he liked and retweeted the allegations when they were first posted, and on the fact that he got kicked outta the Vinesauce team. My thoughts are that the accusers came to him privately and asked him to boost the post because he was an ex-member, letting those in both his and the VS community know. But what do I know?

I, like a few others, thought that there could been some merit to some other info floating around, including several clips of someone’s screen that seemed to have legit email exchanges. It was immediately dismissed and invalidated by fans, accusing them of faking anything they posted. There was only so much proof that they could’ve shown, and I choose to believe the people that spoke out.

I personally think that this wasn’t a SUPER serious set of allegations, like if it’s true, he hasn’t done anything illegal to our knowledge, at most he was just a horny motherfucker. But I think more people should’ve stayed neutral on them until a statement was given, because the amount of denying and coping that i’ve seen is gross. Vinny is an adult and he can fuck if he wants. I do think that bothering your fans for sex is weird as fuck (but that’s just me), but they did consent to meet up with him and stuff. This post isn’t my qualms about Vinny’s supposed actions, it’s about the community’s response to said accusations. Some of you guys didn’t take them seriously at all, and I think it says a lot.

TL;DR: Based on my research and the extra evidence that I’ve seen, I believe the allegations, and I don’t think it was a planned “cancellation”. If they are true, it’s not horrid, but still weird (in my opinion) to pm fans for sexual reasons. Whether the allegations are true or completely false, the community’s reactions were disgusting and some Vinesauce fans don’t realize that they suffer a bad parasocial relationship w/ Vinny.

#should i tag this as vinesauce im scared :)#def not going on twitter where i have one follower but even saying this may be controversial even though it’s something everyone shold think #eh fuck it i almost never go on here #vinesauce #parasocial weirdos suck!!!#idk how well I worded this i am bad at explaining myself #pls don't respond if you only read the TLDR!!!

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telltheworld-phff · 4 years

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Part II, chapter I: Althorp

Pain.

That’s all she could feel.

The sort of pain that would irradiate from her body and made her wonder if anyone could see it, as its force was undeniably present.

She felt nothing but pain.

She could deal with the soreness on her body. It felt as if she had run a marathon.

She could also deal with the heavy cramps that she was feeling ever since she woke up. As if she needed any reminder of what had just happened. She hadn’t asked for any medication to relieve her pain because she wanted to feel it. She wanted to be punished for what she had done.

What she couldn’t deal with was the emotional pain that had destroyed her and its relentless waves that kept shaking every single thought that crossed her mind. The waves were like a tsunami that with its violence and fast approach took away and destroyed everything it touched and she was drowning. Completely and willingly.

The waves made her remember everything that had happened a few hours ago.

The waves brought an emotional pain that shattered her dreams and hopes and wishes. Mocking her, showing the failure she had been. This earth-shattering feeling turned her world, mind, life and body upside down. She didn’t even have more tears to cry as they had dried somewhere in the middle of the night.

She was alone as she had wanted to be and surrounded only by sounds. Sound of the machine she was hooked to, sounds of the clock that showed her that time was going to pass whether or not she was ready for it, the sirens of the ambulances coming in and out of the emergency ward and the cries of a new baby that was born just down the corridor from her room. She longed to have had the chance to at least listen to her child cry. To have carried her pregnancy to term and to taste the happiness this new mom was probably feeling at the moment. And yet, here she was. Empty-handed, alone, bleeding and miserable.

She wanted to get up and run, possibly hide from everyone. Should she had the strength for it, she would have. But she could barely move a finger, let alone run.

She placed one hand on her belly. The same one she caressed the growing baby just the morning before, praying with all her might and force that everyone was lying to her. Wishing this all was a very bad joke, a tasteless prank. Everyone must be wrong.

But deep inside she knew it was true.

She knew that her body had been giving signs and she didn’t pay attention to it. She worked and travelled as if she wasn’t growing a tiny human inside her and now, funny enough, she really wasn’t anymore.

Maybe it would be for the best? If she couldn’t take proper care of a baby inside her, what would happen once the baby was born?

She would be better off alone and childless as she couldn’t bear to be responsible for anyone else’s death. She took a deep breath and felt every muscle hurt, her head was about to explode. She knew she couldn't speak as she had yelled until she scarred all of her vocal cords.

Her hands and arms were purple and swollen as she had tried to unhook herself from the blood transfer bag a nurse had hooked her to close to 2 in the morning. Her hair was in knots and her hospital gown was still bloodied.

Another proof of her failure and another brutal reminder that she had just lost her child.

She had lost her everything. She had lost her will to live because nothing else made sense anymore. Her unborn baby had become the centre of her life, her strength, her reason and her motivation.

Well, not really – her malicious mind reminded her, - if this baby was that important you wouldn’t have let it die. You didn’t even fight for it, you simply passed out and almost bled yourself to death.

Pathetic.

She would never know if the baby was a boy or a girl. She would never know if he or she would have her green eyes or Harry’s blue. If its complexion would be pale as Harry, chocolate as hers or a nice mix in the between. She didn’t know if he or she would be ginger. Could she even have a ginger baby?

She wouldn’t know its face. If it would have dimples, curly or straight hair. If it’d have the unmistakable Windsor genes or it’d be a Nogueira through and through. She wouldn’t know how is it like to feel the baby moving inside her. She wouldn’t know how labour would be or if she’d chicken out from the pain and ask for a c-section straight away. She wouldn’t know if she’d be able to breastfeed – if she’d like it or if she’d prefer to buy formulas.

She wouldn’t make her mum a grandmother.

And she wouldn’t give her man a child. The child he was expecting and dreaming about. The child he had built plans for. The child he was searching for a house to transform into a home for them.

The child he was willing to give up his title for.

Everything she got now was pain and shame and guilt and grief.

Why was it happening to her? Was she that bad of a person that this would be some sort of payback?

What makes you so important that you can’t go through something like this? Her evil-filled mind asked her.

She heard footsteps on the corridor and saw her door opening. Agnes was there, smiling. The pain she felt blinded her from seeing the truth in Agnes’ eyes. She was devastated. She knew that miscarriages were a common thing between women, but she hated every time it happened to one of her patients. With Carol, it seemed she had lost her grandchild such was the esteem she held for the brunette in front of her.

She took a tentative step towards the bed and Carol noticed it was way past nine in the morning. She had been awake the whole night.

“Good morning, Carolina.” Agnes asked, getting her file and reading the notes the other nurses had written. “How are you physically feeling?” she worded her question carefully.

Carol didn’t respond. She kept staring at the clock. Fixated on it. Hearing its tic, toc. It was comforting to know that time wouldn’t wait for her to get her shit together. And time was the only thing that she wanted now.

She would give everything she had for a moment in time to stop before she lost her child. She would give everything to have more time with the baby that even though was unplanned wasn’t not even by a single second unwanted.

She wanted to rewind time and do things differently and save her baby.

She always heard that mothers fight for their children and if need be, even give their lives for them. That was what Carol wanted to do. Be a mother to this child. Give her life in exchange for his or hers. She knew Harry would take good care of their baby even if she wasn’t around.

“Carolina?” Agnes called her, firmer this time. Carol had shut her out and not even remembered that she was in the room. She didn’t blink, she just stared at the damn clock and knew that it was laughing at her expense.

“I need you to please talk to me.” Agnes said, sitting by her side on the bed.

Carol didn’t move. She couldn’t, she was paralysed watching the clock.

“I know what you must be feeling...” Agnes said.

There it was. Pity and sympathy. Two things Carol didn’t need at that moment.

“And I want you to know that I did everything that I could to save your baby.” the doctor said, grabbing one of Carol’s hands gently.

Did she really? Her brain asked.

“I want you to tell me what you want.” Agnes tried again and Carol almost laughed. She wanted her child. Alive and well. There was nothing anyone could possibly give her at the moment that would make her feel better.

“I will give you space, then.” Agnes sighed. “A nurse will come to help you take a shower and change clothes.” she got up and stared at the girl she treated like a daughter. She seemed like a shell of the woman she once was. Staring at the clock and shutting everyone out. Agnes gently left the room and took a deep breath. She could only hope that Carol would bounce back from this. If she kept giving herself into the pain for too long, she wouldn’t make it.

(…)

Harry had spent the night awake. He sat by the window of his living room with a bottle of scotch beside him. He stared at the entrance of his house for the whole night and saw when the sun rose. He had drunk half of the bottle by that time and was irritated that it didn’t give him a buzz nor lessened the pain. He thought about compartmentalising it and go out and about on his day, as he had two engagements to be at but he knew he couldn’t do it. He wanted to feel the pain and go through it while it all was still fresh. If he bottled up everything it was bound to come back exploding in the future. He also knew that Carol wouldn’t forgive him if she saw that he was smiling for the cameras and hugging kids mere hours after theirs had died.

If she speaks to you again. His mind remembered.

He had been hurt by Carol’s outburst the night before. He tried to understand where she was coming from, but he didn’t think that she’d kick him out of the room that way. He had called the hospital and Agnes informed him Carol wasn’t speaking to anyone, or eating. She had tried to rip off the IVs from her arms and hands in the middle of the night.

He took a deep breath and texted Edward to let him know that he wanted all his engagements of that damn week cancelled and rescheduled. He also wanted to reschedule all engagements that had children involved for the upcoming months as farther away as possible. He couldn’t bear to be around children when his hadn’t made it.

Agnes had talked to him after they left Carol’s room and she was confident that Carol’s case fell under the more frequently than expected, she didn’t believe Carol had any sort of condition that would make things harder to have a child in the future. Miscarriage is something very common and sometimes it might be related to other complicating issues, but in other cases, it's simply nature being faithful to its course of only the strongest and most adaptable survives.

Edward replied asking lots of questions as to why those changes were needed and Harry simply ignored him. He wouldn’t come back to work until he felt at least a little bit better.

If you feel better at any point.

He felt like a black cloud was above his head numbing his senses and at the same time swallowing him whole.

He got up and went to his room without really thinking or registering what he was doing. He took a shower, got dressed and dried the tears that kept coming every time he thought about what had happened. He had drunk the night before trying to erase from his mind the scene of the woman of his life bleeding and losing their child.

What if he had asked her to go to Kensington, where Gerard and Martha would have kept an eye on her? What if he hadn’t offered to accompany his grandmother to the engagement, therefore, arriving earlier at her place? Why didn’t she tell him anything about blood pressure problems and migraines?

He knew that “what ifs” wouldn’t bring him any closer to changing the outcome of the events. And decided he needed to keep himself busy. Getting his car keys and without letting anyone from his security team know, he drove outside Kensington Palace straight to Carol’s apartment. He let himself in and he dreaded entering her bedroom but he knew he had to get things done and if her reaction last night was any indicator, she wouldn’t deal well if she saw all that blood.

He emailed her boss letting him know that she was in the hospital and that she would keep him posted. He grabbed all the sheets and duvet, almost ripping them off the mattress with rage and threw them inside the washing machine. He cleaned the floor, the furniture and searched inch by inch of the apartment for any spot of blood. When he found none, he made her bed with new sheets and packed her an overnight bag.

He then drove straight to the back entrance of St. Mary’s, getting out of the car and ignoring all the calls on his phone. Edward, Bill, his father… he didn’t really want to talk to anyone right now.

He went straight to the private wing where half a floor had been cleared after Harry was made aware someone had just given birth a few doors down the corridor from Carol’s room. He immediately demanded they were transferred to another wing.

He knocked on her door and opened it to find only a shadow of the woman he once had met.

She had her hair wet, soft curls forming around her face. She was half-sitting on the hospital bed and she was staring at a fixed point on the wall above the door. Harry closed the door after coming in and left the bag on the chair by the bed.

“Hey...” he said approaching her. She didn’t even move or acknowledge his presence. “I brought you a change of clothes and a few personal items. I emailed your boss saying that you’re at the hospital and that we will keep him posted.”

He waited for a reply but didn’t receive one. He tried to caress her head but she dodged his hand. Just another pain to feel. He saw she didn’t touch breakfast and that it was laying on the table across from them.

“Do you want any help to eat?” Harry tried again, looking at her. She didn’t look or talk to him. He noticed that she was staring at a clock and one could cut the tension inside that room with a knife.

“Carol, please…. Talk to me. We need to communicate to be able to grieve properly.” Harry said, sitting on the bed. “I haven’t slept the other night and for what I heard, neither have you.”

Tic, toc. Tic, toc. Tic, toc.

Only the sound of the clock could be heard there.

“Carol? I know what you’re feeling, but please, let me know what I can do to help.”

“Nothing.” her voice was cracked and hoarse and only above a whisper. But that was progress.

“I know I can’t bring our child back...” he started.

“All I want is time to go back.” She replied, looking at the clock and Harry was starting to feel irritated by that damn thing.

“I’m sorry about what happened.” Harry said, trying to grab her hand but she fiercely snatched it out from his hold.

“Don’t touch me. Why is everyone touching me now? Why is everyone bothering me with empty words of sympathy and promises when no one knows what really happened and no one can fucking give me time.” She said and he struggled to hear her well and understand what she was saying.

Both Agnes and him had stayed just outside Carol’s door for more than an hour listening to her screams, almost entering the room again every now and then to try and calm her but deciding against it.

“At least you’re talking now.” Harry said, looking at her. She looked frail and broken. Just like he was.

“I told you to get out. Just leave me the fuck alone.” She finally looked at him and he saw so much pain and hatred in her gaze that his heart broke into a million pieces yet again.

“If that’s what you want.” he got up and opened the door. “I will be back tomorrow.” he said leaving the room.

“Don’t bother” she replied not sure if he heard her.

He did.

(…)

Once inside his car, he thought about going back home to try and sleep a bit but his heart wanted him elsewhere. He wanted to grieve with Carol. He wanted her support to go through this and he wanted to support her as well.

He knew that she had taken the heavier blow on this, as she was the one carrying the baby, but she should also know that he was hurt. He was scared of losing both of them. If she was up to it, they’d start trying to have another child as soon as possible. And he knew that any child he could have with her or anyone else would never replace the one they lost.

His life had gained so much more meaning and purpose when he knew he had to be a role model for someone. That he’d get to parent his child and make him or her the best version of him and Carol together.

He just kept driving and trying to calm his shattered heart. He didn’t know where he was going or how he was driving. He turned off his phone. He didn’t want to see anybody. He didn’t want to talk to anybody. He just wanted his child alive and well.

He was startled when he recognised the black iron gates of the property. He had driven for an hour and a half without noticing where he was headed but it somehow made sense. He knew who he needed the most at the moment and unfortunately, she also wasn’t around to embrace him and promise that everything would be OK.

The guards promptly opened the gates and greeted him. For the first time, he didn’t reply and simply kept driving until he reached the stables on the background of the imposing Estate. He killed the engine and got off his car and walked the long gravel path until he approached the lake.

It was a sunny day and he put his shades on. He walked and was taken by emotion when he was right in front of it. He opened the shed, took out the small boat and pushed it until it was on the water, getting in and rowing his way to the island in the middle of the oval lake. He got out of the boat and when on land, his knees almost gave away and with trembling lips and heavy tears he approached the centre of the island where he could see, engraved in marble, the words “Loving mother”.

“Mummy,” Harry said, kneeling before her grave. “I’ve failed mummy. I couldn’t protect the people that I love and now I’ve lost them.”

He cried. Each tear made his body tremble and his lips quiver. He out-poured all the emotions held inside feeling safe to do so in that place. Feeling safe that his heart had unconsciously brought him where his mum was eternally resting.

“How do I make this pain go again, Mummy?” he cleaned his face with his palm. “It hurts so fucking much. I’ve lost my child. Your grandchild. And I think I’ve lost my girl too.”

The peaceful scenery only made it worse to balance the turmoil inside Harry’s heart and mind.

“I need you here with me.” he whispered. “But you’ve also been taken away from me too soon. Why?”

He cried his tears and his sobs were cutting through his body and shaking it. He thought he would never be able to recover from this. Never. He was a different man and now he had nothing. Absolutely nothing.

“I don’t think I can get through this.” Harry said, looking at Diana’s grave and embracing his bent knees.

He stayed there the whole afternoon. If his uncle and cousins knew that he was there, thankfully no one approached the oval island. He cried and opened his heart to his mother, knowing that she’d listen to him. Knowing that she’d be taking care of him.

When the sun began to set he knew it was time to come back.

“Mummy, could you please take care of my baby with you in heaven? I don’t know if its a boy or a girl but I don’t care. Please tell him or her that we love him so much it hurts and we wish things could’ve been different. I don’t know how his mother and I will survive this searing pain.”

Harry cleaned the tears again and spoke just above a whisper.

“We did our very best but unfortunately that wasn’t God’s wish for us. Please cuddle our child in your arms the way you did with me and Wills. Love on him as you did on us. Both of you are greatly missed. And I love you both with all my being. I know that my baby is now with his grandmother and nothing bad can happen if he’s under your watch. I love you, mummy. And I love you, baby.”

#phff #part II #chapter 1 #Whenyoutelltheworldyou'remine #princeharryff #princeharryfanfic #princeharryfanfiction #britishroyal #british royal family #brf #fanfiction

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tom-hanks-is-bae · 5 years

Text

I need some help. Please.

Okay, so this is my baby, Alex

On the morning of August 25, I lost him. This is a hard post to write.

I drove home late Saturday august 24th because he wasn’t doing well (my mom took care of him while I’m at school but I FaceTimed him every single day)

Alex wasn’t eating or pooping, this has happened before but we can usually get him out of it by using pear juice, baby gas drops, tummy massages, critical care and other things. I knew this time was different. We got him to the emergency vet (over an hour away) at around 8:30 PM. He was different this time.

They took an x-Ray and did some bloodwork and found he had a big gas bubble in his tummy. And the bloodwork showed his potassium and proteins were off. His temperature was Also a little low, running 99ish and rabbits should run over 100

They wanted to hospitalize him for 24 hours but I didn’t want to leave my baby. We stayed for a while and they gave him pain meds, he became very sleepy after this, this is the last picture I have of him alive, he was sleeping in my arms

They started an IV drip to hydrate him and hopefully get things moving, there was also pain medication in the drip.

We left him there but got a hotel 5 minutes away. ($120) I slept absolutely none, and called to check on him ever 1-2 hours.

I called at 4am and they tell me his temperature had dropped (96ish) and were planning on starting syringe feeding at 6am if there were no improvements

He didn’t make it to 6

I woke my mother and we went there straight away. We get there about 4:10 and he was in a small room they have for rabbits and it was really warm trying to raise his temp. At this point we’re doing almost everything, there’s one other thing they can do.

A procedure where they sedate him and go in his stomach with a tube and release the gas (which he still had not passed)

I agree to this because it was a last resort, my baby wasn’t eating or using the bathroom. I sat on the floor and held him for a couple minutes before they took him to do the procedure. I remember holding him and putting my head on his and thinking “I hope this isn’t the last time I get to hold him, I have to remember this moment.” And it was the last time I held him alive.

They did the procedure and the vet comes out and says they got a good amount of gas out and he pooped one pellet, I was hopeful. I went back to see him and he was laying on the table, groggy from the sedation. I rubbed him and told him I loved him. I told them about how sweet of a bun he was, how he loved to get under the recliner and thought it was a game, how he just got a scooby doo chair that made him feel like a king.

They took him back to let him rest and I thought he could use it so I went to the waiting room. I’ve questioned and went over 1000 times or more in my head if I did the right thing. Because about 10-20 minutes later the vet comes and tells me Alex has arrested.

My baby. Writing this is beyond hard. I scream, I cry, she leaves and said something about CPR. I run to the back and open a door, I see him on the table and her trying to revive him. The vet tech comes out and tells me she’s doing what she can, I scream, I beg them to save him. He wanted to come home. I screamed I didn’t care about the money, just to help him.

They brought me my limp baby boy in a blanket, brown stuff all over his mouth and I cried and begged him to wake up. He didn’t. My baby was gone and gone too soon.

To you he may be just a rabbit but he was my baby, he helped me through things in ways I never thought he could. I found a love for rabbits, much more then them just being cute, they have personality and he was the best boy, he just wanted to be loved and he was, but I wanted to love him more and more and more and more.

Early in the night we realized the bill was going to be much more than the money we had in our pocket or our bank accounts. So we applied for care credit and were allowed $1,500. The total ended up being a little over 1,600 and we used $200 something from my grandmas credit card that we will have to pay back to her. The whole time I said “it’s okay, Alex has insurance, they’ll cover most of it right?”

WRONG. I got NATIONWIDE exotic pet insurance for emergencies like this and I submitted a claim. They are willing to give us a whopping $279??? So we called to find out the reason, and here’s the gag. They’ll only cover up to a certain amount of $ for a certain issue, so for GI Stasis (which is in simple terms what Alex had but there was other stuff going on) they only cover $140. They have a limit they will pay for each health issue so essentially Alex would have to have been even worse for them to cover more (I don’t remember what the other $139 went to) the exam itself cost $130. So honestly boycott nationwide because not only did they do this but we called the day it happened and told them to cancel the policy because he was deceased and when we called to question the amount, the policy was STILL ACTIVE!

So I’ve got this thing to pay off and if it’s not paid off in 6 months it gains 14% interest, not on what you have left to pay, but on the entire loan amount. Which is almost $200 more. I’m a student and will be doing work study but I can only work 80 hours per semester and will make less than $700 if I did all that. My dad doesn’t work because he has multiple sclerosis (and so do I, yippi! 😕) my mom is picking up every shift she can but we have extra medical bills because I just started a new medication after having a relapse on my old one.

I’ve been in a super depressed state since losing him, not being able to eat, drink, shower, or just generally take care of myself. This bill is a big stressor because I know it’s stressful to my mother as well and I worry about losing her too. I hope this post gets seen by people that would be willing to help me or at least pass this post on so that others could. I would never ask for this if I wasn’t desperate.

I’d do anything to hold my baby again, to tell him how much I love him, get nose kisses and give him treats, I’d pay even more. I’m going to post a couple more pictures of him and then my links to PayPal/cash app/ and Venmo at the bottom if anyone wants to donate to help me. If this gets a lot of attention somehow and I get enough to pay the bill off I will not let people continue to give me money, I will post updates of the care credit balance once i make payments. Here’s my baby:

My paypal: https://www.paypal.me/mikalaalex

Cashapp: $mikalaalex

Venmo: mikalaalex

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khiphop-stories · 5 years

Text

Getting Off The Wrong Foot

[Christian Yu | Chapter VII]

You were one of the first people to arrive at the filming site. It was an outdoor location today, but the weather looked awful. According to the weather report it was supposed to be sunny day with no precipitation. But in reality, it was the exact opposite. Thick grey clouds hung over the rooftops, darkening the sky. You could hardly even see any blue and only a few rays of sunlight streamed through the cracks in the cloud layer. As you looked up the sky, you felt a single rain drop fall on top your forehead. You knew it was only a matter of time it started pouring down the sky.

As if your hand moved on its own, it dived into your bag and fished out your phone. You quickly made a few calls, informing the staff that the shoot was cancelled until further notice and asked them to spread the word. You also sent home the crew members that were already at the filming site. The only ones left to call was Christian and his team. You dreaded this moment. After what had happened yesterday, you didn’t have the confidence to talk to him. But in the end it didn’t matter what you wanted to do or didn’t want to do, you had to keep up your professionalism. You couldn’t just stop working with someone because you had some differences. If that were the case you would already be unemployed. You called their manager’s number first, hoping you would be able to avoid directly talking to Christian. It was a cowardish move, but you didn’t care. Joo Won was friendly and understanding. He assured you he would let the others know.

Just a few minutes later you received an incoming call from Joo Won again. “Hey Minhee, I can’t reach Christian. He’s probably still driving that’s why he’s not picking up. He left early, so he should be there soon.“

“Ok, I’ll wait for him and tell him myself then. Thanks, Joo Won.“

Well, your plan to avoid him as long as possible was just flushed down toilet.

~*~

Christian arrived shortly after the call. He let his eyes wander around the location, before they rested on you. Since he didn’t see any staff members nor any props around, he already guessed it.

“Shoot’s cancelled, huh?“

“Yeah, the weather’s too bad. I don’t think we can shoot under this condition and it’ll probably start raining soon.“

Just as if the rain was waiting for you cue, it started pouring it that very moment. Without exchanging further words, you both quickly looked for shelter under a building.

The awkward silence that surrounded the two of you was killing you. It made you even more uncomfortable than you felt before, if that was even possible.

“Christian…,” you decided to break the silence. It wasn’t going to work this way. You wouldn’t be able to work together if there was still this awkwardness lingering between you. He turned his attention away from the sky and looked at you, his eyebrows cocked up.

“Look, I’m sorry—“

“You don’t have to apologize...not for his bevahior,“ he quickly cut you off, the frown on his face easing up and the corner of his lips raised to a smile. You blinked your eyes at him in confusion, not understanding where the sudden change was coming from. What he was saying now wasn’t making any sense, considering how the last conversation you had with him ended.

“Bu you were really angry yesterday...“ “I was angry,“ he admitted with a nod, yet his voice was tender, not an even ounce of animosity could be found. “But not at you. I was just mad that we lost the deal and I lashed out at you.“

“But it kinda was my fau—“

“No, it wasn’t. I overreacted.“

“But maybe you were right. I blamed it all on Kiseok, but maybe the problem was me all along? Maybe I sucked at being the girlfriend and that’s why he cheated on me. Maybe I deserved it.“

The expression on Christian’s face turned serious. His gaze pierced through you and he spoke slowly as though you were having a hard time understanding him.

“You are not responsible for the way he acts. Don’t even think for a second it’s your fault. I said stupid things yesterday because I was angry. I didn’t mean it.“

You remained silent for a while, letting his words sink in. You replayed everything that had happened the past few months, trying to understand where things went wrong.

“Min,“ he called you softly, pulling you back to reality.

“It just doesn’t make sense,“ you shook your head. You were so deep in thoughts, you didn’t even notice how your vision had slowly blurred as tears shot into your eyes.

“Come here.“ Christian reached out and gently pulled you into his embrace. He wrapped his arms around your shoulders and pulled you close, rubbing your back comfortingly. The feel of his body so close to yours soothed you more than you had expected.

“I’m sorry,“ you mumbled into his chest. “I don’t know why I always break down in front of you.” You exhaled slowly, trying your best to calm yourself. You weren’t usually that emotional. You were the type of person who wouldn’t even shed a tear during the most emotional scenes in movies. But lately, all you did was having emotional breakdowns, most of them in front of Christian.

“It’s ok, I don’t mind,“ he chuckled softy as he ran his fingers through your hair. He must have thought you were a pathetic crybaby, but there was something about him that made you feel so reassured, that you didn’t have to be ashamed of your feelings and that you didn’t have to hide them in front of him. “You must think I’m a huge mess,” you let out an embarrassed chuckle. “Yeah...well, but we all are in some way or another.“ His words were comforting to hear. When he noticed that you had somewhat calmed down, he released you from his hug.

“Did you already have breakfast?“ He asked you out of the blue. You shook your head in response

„Let’s grab something to eat then.“

~*~

[Time leap]

“I got the pictures from the shoot,“ you told him as you were waiting for your orders.

“How did they turn out?“ He asked you excitedly, his full attention on you. You liked his enthusiasm, it seemed as though he was just as excited as you about all the good things that were happening to you. But it wasn’t that fake interest people always showed you, he seemed to be genuinely happy for you. “Well, I barely recognize myself with all the photoshop, but they look good...just not like me,“ you joked with a chuckle. You took your phone that was lying on the table into your hands and scrolled through your photos to show him the pictures. “They want me to choose some, but they kinda look all the same to me. I might need a professional pair of eyes.“

“Show me,“ he held his hand out. You gave him your phone and watched him quietly as he looked through the pictures. You grew a bit nervous as he wasn’t commenting on any of the pictures. You expected him to at least make fun of you a little bit.

“I would have done it differently,“ he remarked, his eyes still fixed on the screen of your phone.

“How?“ You asked while you were preparing yourself for all the criticism that would probably be coming your way. But instead of criticizing you, he analyzed the work of the photographer. “Well, for starters I wouldn’t have put that much photoshop. You’re pretty as you are. You don’t need that shit. And I would have tried to shoot with natural, warmer light, because that enhances your features,“ he said it so nonchalant, as though he was talking about the weather. Those compliments always left his lips like they were nothing. Maybe he didn’t mean anything either, maybe he was just passionate about photography and he was commenting from an objective point of view. Maybe he was just a professional critiquing someone else’s work. “You should have shot me then,“ you said jokingly with a laugh.

“I would love to,“ he smiled, his eyes turning to you. The look on his face was so soft, it made you feel so comfortable around him, but at the same time it also made you feel incredibly nervous. You could feel the blood rushing through your veins, heating up your body. Your cheeks felt awfully hot, you were probably as red as a tomato by now.

“Well, I still need to choose some pictures,” you tried to guide the conversation into a different direction before he would notice how embarrassed you were. “This one is the best,“ he pulled his chair closer to you and showed you the photograph.

“This one? Really?“ You looked at the picture and then turned your eyes to him, giving him a look of disbelief. You definitely wouldn’t have chosen that one as your favorite. “You were a bit stiff, but this one looks the most natural. I like your smile there“ “I know, I’m not a model,“ you accepted his criticism with a laugh. “You could be with your face and measurements.“ “How would you know my measurements?“ “I saw you naked, remember?“ He wriggled his brows at you playfully. “Ok, you need to stop, Christian. You making me blush.“ You pressed the back of your hands, which where still cold from standing outside, on your warm cheeks, trying to cool them down.

Christian licked his lips as a grin appeared on his face, his eye following every of your movements. He loved teasing you, because of the reaction he always got from you. He liked being the one making you blush.

“I’m just saying the truth. You’re not that used to getting compliments, are you?“ “You’re doing it far too often,” you argued.

“Really? I’m even holding back right now. I mean could go on and on how pretty you look in that picture and how beautiful you look right now.“

“You’re a real smooth talker, Christian,” you rolled your eyes. You didn’t take his compliments serious any more as you assumed he was only teasing you. “That’s why girls like you, because you make them feel special and important.”

“You didn’t receive many compliments from him, did you?“

You shook your head in response. You did get compliments from Kiseok sometimes. But most of the time he either wanted a favor from you or he wanted to get into your pants. So those compliments never really meant a lot to you.

“Man, Kiseok must have really fucked you up. If you were my girl, I would tell you how beautiful you are every single day.“ You felt your heart skip a beat, almost as though it would jump right out of your chest. You stared at him. For a brief moment, you imagined what dating him would be like. Never did it even cross your mind that you would ever start something serious with him. But now that you were visualizing it, you didn’t hate the idea that much either.

„Ok, that’s enough. Shut up, Christian,“ you rolled your eyes at him, letting out a nervous chuckle.

~*~

You resumed shooting two days after and lasted for another two days. The shooting went by smoothly and you wrapped up early. It was very apparent that Dabin had experience in shooting music videos. He was comfortable in front the camera and his acting was good as well. He seemed to trust Christian completely. He followed his instructions well and never questioned his direction. As you finished filming the last scene, one of the crew members suggested to go out for drinks to celebrate the past days of hard work. You liked the idea and encouraged your own team to join them, but you didn’t have that much interest in going yourself. You were tired from the lack of sleep and your legs were hurting from standing all day. You just wanted to go home, take a long hot bath and then go straight to bed. Despite your initial reluctance you somehow let Christian and Dabin talk you into joining them. Since you didn’t have to work tomorrow as it was a Sunday, you didn’t have much of an excuse not to go.

So, now here you were, at some bar in Hongdae chatting and playing drinking games which you obviously sucked at, knowing that this would end in a bad hangover the next day. Nonetheless you were having an awful lot of fun. You were almost sad that you would probably not see this team again after this evening since they were people Nike hired and employed. You had grown quite fond of them.

Since there way way too many people in the team, you had to spread out to different tables. You sat with a few DPR members and the hair and makeup team. Christian, of course, got dragged to the models’ table and he seemed to be enjoying the attention he was getting there. You didn’t pay much attention to him. You were immersed in the conversations you were having, however occasionally, your eyes and his would meet. He held the gaze and every time his lips would curl up into a warm smile. You were always the first one to look away. You didn’t really like what you were seeing. It wasn’t jealousy, at least that’s what you believed. It was the way he was acting. He did his reputation full justice - the charming ladies’ man who could talk is way into anything he wanted. Right now he was behaving like someone who you would naturally avoid. You were judgmental when you first met him, yet he made you quickly let your guards down. However, seeing him like this, made you question him once again. Just what kind of person was he?

The conversation at your table had taken another direction and now the girls were talking about men they found attractive while the guys were trying to understand their taste, albeit not agreeing.

“Objectively, Christian’s hella good looking fella,“ Scott then said when asked to give an example of whom he taught was good looking. All the girls at the table agreed in unison swooning over him, but you.

“You don’t think so?“ Dabin gently nudged your ribs teasingly. “You’d be the first.” “I mean, yeah he’s hot, but not the type of guy I personally would date,“ you shrugged your shoulders nonchalantly. “Why not?“ You heard Christian say. You quickly turned to the direction of his voice, your eyes widening in surprise. He was standing right next to you, his eyes staring down at you. He took a chair from another table and placed it down next to you, as he took a seat.

You didn’t get the chance to answer as the topic was changed again. But Christian wouldn’t let you off the hook so easily. “So…why not?“ He asked you again in a lowered voice, so only you could hear.

“You’re not really boyfriend material.“

“Why not?“ He insisted.

“Well, you’re too popular with girls, I wouldn’t be able to trust you.“ “I’m not Kiseok.“ “I know, I-I just…“ you stuttered, not really knowing what you were even trying to say. “I mean you’re not even looking for something serious. You’re the fleeting type of guy.“ “So your opinion on me still hasn’t changed, huh?“ The tone in his voice sounded bitter.

“That’s not what I meant, Christian,” you quickly threw in, worried that you might have hurt his feelings.

“You’re an amazing friend. You’re sweet, attentive, a good listener. I just don’t see you settling down any time soon and I just don’t see myself starting a relationship with someone who’s not ready yet. Nothing against you... a-and this is just hypothetical anyway. It’s not like anything’s gonna happen, right?“

The expression on his face suddenly changed, a huge grin covering the lower half of his face. “I’m just playing with you,“ he broke out into a hearty laughter. “You don’t need to explain yourself.“

You rolled your eyes and punched his arm in retaliation. For a brief moment, you really thought you had hurt his feelings.

~*~

Although you didn’t want to be here in the first place, you were one of the people who stayed the longest. The bar slowly emptied and there were only a few people left. Christian was one of them, but he was also about to head home. He bid goodbye to the team and then walked up to you.

“Want me to drop your off at home? You drank quite a bit.“

“I drank way too much,” you giggled. “But you did too, you can’t drive.”

“I drank one beer when we first got here and then I had soda.“

“Really?“ You furrowed your brows at him skeptically. You were under the impression that he had drunk a lot. There were so many empty bottles at the table he sat at.

“I wouldn’t drive under the influence.” “If that’s the case, then yes,” you smiled at him from eye to eye.

~*~

Christian dropped you off in front of your house. You turned around to watch him leave, but it turned out he was still parking at the same spot. You waved at him and motioned him to roll down the window which he did.

“Why are you still here?” “I won’t leave until your ass passed that door,” he pointed to the entrance. “What? You think I’m gonna get abducted here? In this few seconds?”

“Just go,” he smiled.

You walked towards the door, one hand rummaging through your back in search for your keys. But they were not where they were supposed to be.

“Shit,” you cursed as you kneeled down, placing your bag on the the concrete floor, using both of your hands to search for your keys. Knowing that Christian was still there and most likely watching you, made you even more nervous. Your desperation grew as you just couldn’t find them. That’s when you remember where you had put them. They were still on your desk in the office.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” You muttered under your breath. With a long sigh of defeat, you got up and walked to his car. Upon seeing you approaching, he rolled down his window again.

“I forgot my keys in the office,” you muttered under your breath, your cheeks turning a pinkish hue out of embarrassment. You bit down on your bottom lips, avoiding his gaze.

“Your office is like on the other side of the city,” Christian remarked drily.

”I know, I know. You don’t have to drive me, I’ll just take a cab.” ”Not an option,” he shook his head firmly. “Get in.”

Before he started the engine, he turned to you again as though a bright idea had just come to his mind.

“Wanna crash at my place?”

#christian yu #christian yu scenarios #christian yu imagine #dpr #khh scenarios #khh imagines #getting off the wrong foot

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disgruntledkittenface · 5 years

Text

11/11/11

thank you @a-brighter-yellow @runaway-train-works and @allwaswell16 for tagging me! I took a few questions from each list to answer.

What fic have you written that you wish everyone would read?

I think bambi legs. I love this fic, it has the warmth and heart that I wanted to infuse in it, and I’m just really proud of it. I’m not sure how many hits to expect on a girl direction fic, but sometimes I see the stats and I think oh, I wish more people had been into it.

Can you listen to or watch anything while you write? What?

Nope, nothing, I can’t concentrate with something on. It’s funny because I listened to Niall’s Spotify playlist the entire time I was writing my first fic, but ever since then I need quiet.

Do your close family/friends outside the fandom read your fics?

No, not really – I did send the first few to my best friend outside of the fandom, but that’s it. Oh, other than @queenofquiet17 who is the mother of the Grace x Karen/Will 7 Grace fandom, she reads all my stuff before I post it. I don’t really have the energy to, like, educate people about fanfic as a hobby, so I just keep it to fandom space mostly.

Is it important to you to describe what your main characters are wearing in every scene? Do you try to pick canon outfits?

I love nothing more than picking canon outfits, I have entire lookbooks for a fic I will never write languishing in my google docs. My last published fic was crafted specifically around canon outfits. But I haven’t been going out of my way to describe outfits that aren’t a plot point in my current WIP, like unless there’s a reason to specify which ugly cardigan I mean or something.

What’s your favorite comment you’ve ever received?

I fucking love all positive comments, but this one on bambi legs is a forever fave:

i loved this fic so much. i loved how sweet it was! it was amazing! and i just wanted to thank you for the part where harry is talking to louis about how she feels about the whole asexual thing. it felt so good to read what ive been coming to terms with written down in such a good fic!

What is a fic that you hope to write someday?

I still really want to a Grace Kelly AU and I’m definitely planning on it, but I got totally sidetracked this year. I told myself this could be the fic where I aim for like 100k, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that I just don’t write fics that long. I would love to do it for Big Bang next year, but that’s a huge commitment so I’m not sure.

How often do you spend writing in an average week and is there a certain time of day/day of the week you do it?

This is terrible, but I get most of my writing done in bits and snatches during the workday. Something in me really responds to sitting at a desk? Which is not a setup I have at home. How much time I spend writing totally depends on the week and on the fic, I think. My current wip is split into somewhat short chapters, I think the longest is 5.6k, and I seem to be writing half of a chapter in a day, revising it over a few days, repeat for the second half of the chapter, then a week break to mull the next.

Are you an outliner or do you like to wing it?

I love an outline so fucking much, but the past few projects, I’ve been winging it a little more than usual and letting myself find the fic a bit more as I go. I could never do away with an outline altogether, I don’t think. Even if I just wrote a first chapter on the fly, I know myself, I would immediately open a notes doc and start structuring.

What’s your favorite fic promo post you (or a collaborator) has ever made?

I am a huge fan of the moodboard for When this all gets old, I saved this on my phone for like months:

Um, @crinkle-eyed-boo is really good at them, all of hers are fab. I also like all of mine, every single one.

What’s your most popular fic and why do you think it’s your most popular?

By far, you came into my life, and I think for a few reasons. One, Queer Eye is/was hugely popular and I think this was the first or one of the first AUs. It was a good length at 57k, long but not intimidatingly so? And I think people connected to it because it came from a really honest and relatable place. A lot of us have explored/learned about sexuality through fic and I feel like I reflected back a lot of that journey for me in writing this one.

What can people expect from your next fic?

Okay, people have been overwhelmingly kind every time I share last lines and snippets and I love you all, but I’m nervous to share this one. You can expect fluff because Harry and Louis meet for the first time and start dating. You can expect a cat and probably too many coffee references because that’s just my whole deal. There’s vampires which I understand are canceled today?? (Maggie for the whoops.)

But you can also expect, like, frank discussions of grieving and feeling depressed, and that might be – understandably so – too much for a lot of people. I’m being super withholding and only showing it to one friend so far and she said the balance of fluff and grieving is working really well so fingers crossed, guys.

THANK YOU FOR TAGGING ME, I love seeing everyone’s answers and getting to write my own, but I have to go beta things and then write more, so I’m not going to spend the hours I know I would trying to think of a new set of questions

#11/11/11 #depressed vampire au #queer eye au

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sighfertryptich · 5 years

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Im going to rant(ish), skip if you want.

So I was watching a video (its the “Generations React to Dan Howell and Eugene Lee Yang Coming Out On Youtube” video by FBE) and everyone started sharing their coming out stories, and everyone was sharing that they were either scared or felt a freak by it. I felt that I wanted to, considering this is the only platform I have on here that I can express myself to the fullest without judgement, share my own, even though I am not in an accepting household.

So, let me start out with this. Growing up, I thought I was straight. There were no signs of me feeling any different than other kids. I was one of the more innocent children, I didnt care about gender identity or sexuality. I just cared about who I was going to play with at recess. By the time I hit fifth grade, I was naïve to the fact that not everyone was attracted to everyone around them. I didn’t understand that some boys only liked girls, and some girls only liked boys. In my community, it was rare that the gays and lesbians understood what it was, so they werent around to put that knowledge in our vocabulary. To me, if you had a crush, it could be on either a female or a male, whether or not you were the same gender or the opposite.

Reaching middle school, about a year later, our views were widened. People around me were realizing or expressing their sexualities. I, on the other hand, still didn’t understand that there were labels to these things. (Keep in mind, there still weren’t lesbians or gays out in the open yet. Everyone was either bisexual or straight.)

When this new vocabulary came to light, I could finally attempt to put a name to myself, liking both men and women.

I accepted the term bisexual for myself at the ripe age of 11.

I didn’t plan on telling my parents. I never wanted to. They didnt have to know who I was imagining kissing, they didnt have to know who I had crushes on. To this day, I never planned on telling them until the day came that I would have to. As in, if the time came, I would tell them when I got engaged to a woman.

Throughout middle school, I was labeled bisexual. It just felt normal to like who I wanted to like, and the people I surrounded myself with accepted me. I guess I got lucky with that. Reaching into high school, I got my first serious woman x woman crush. Every single day, she’d come into class and I would just gush over her. She was gorgeous. And being honest, a ripe 13 year old me was in her scene phase, and this girl oozed alternative. She had a grunge look, part of her hair was dyed sea-foam green, and she was sweet and funny and kind. As far as I knew, she liked me back.

I remember my first Sadie Hawkins dance. I got with my school’s GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) Club and put together this whole thing where me and a couple friends made shirts that said “Will you go to Sadie Hawkins with me?” She said yes! but then later the dance was canceled and we just made other plans. As time went on, she led me on to thinking she liked me. I found out she didn’t and that she was wasting her time on me when she got with one of my guy friends.

This is when my chronic depression stepped its pussy up. Thank you Dan Howell for giving me that quote.

When I was 15, I moved to my small town a state over where I reside to this day. I was still labeling myself as bisexual. I met my first lesbian that year. (And yes, this was my first time meeting a lesbian. Im serious.) She became my best friend for the next 3 and a half years. She opened me to the world of different labels and helped me through finding out what I realized I truly was.

I was, and am, Pansexual. And a proud one at that. #PansexualPride.

I got my first serious girlfriend when I was 18. Or at least, I thought it was serious. I was head over heels for her. She claimed she was bisexual. [I say claimed because she admitted after we broke up that she was straight.]

Long story short, she used me to go to RenFest, then broke up with me a week later blaming her depression, then got with some dude a day later.

A couple of months later, I met a girl through an app called Amino. She was pansexual, like me, and we had a lot of the same interests. Only problem was that while I lived in Louisiana, she lived on an island off the coast of Florida.

Although our relationship didn’t last long, I added her because this was the first time in my entire life that I actually could see myself marrying a woman.

Let me explain.

Up until this point, I had only ever seen myself marrying a man. Yes, I had an attraction to women. Ive dated women, although not many, but never could see myself marrying any of them. Nothing wrong with that.

During this time, I cut my hair very short. Like, pixie-cut with an undercut. My intentions to cut it were that it’d be easier to put up into wigs when I cosplayed, and it’d be less to take care of and look good. We’ll come back to this later.

Directly after our 3 month anniversary, yes I do month anniversaries, I met my current girlfriend, Cole.

I swear, it was one of those moments where you see someone and you know they’re going to be in your life for years to come. [Fun fact - she told me that after she had met me for the first time, she joked with her friend that her and I “would have an August wedding” even though we barely had passed a few sentences between each other.] There’s just that feeling when you look someone in the eyes and know that there’s something special about them. Something you want - no, need - in your life, whether it’s to make a life-long decision or just to help you grow as a person.

I started dressing more comfortably. I no longer wore skirts or dresses. I wore jeans and t-shirts and hats and less makeup. I wore chains attached to my belt loops. All in all, I started looking more masculine, even though it was just me dressing comfortably. My job allowed it, I was earning the money to allow me to buy clothes like this. It made me happy. I started feeling more comfortable with more masculine terms rather than strictly feminine terms, ie. “mans, they, them, boy” etc. I wasn’t uncomfortable when someone said I looked like a boy, nor was I uncomfortable with my female body. I just didnt care. It wasnt insulting as I was raised to think it was. In fact, I encouraged it. I allowed - and still allow - people to think I was whatever gender they assigned me with. In all, I became Genderfluid. Gender Neutral, if you will.

Now, we’re going to back up just a tiny bit. Tee tiny, nothing big.

About a month before I met Cole, someone outted me to my mother. Keep in mind, I was never planning on coming out to her. My older sister is like me, Pansexual. She strives on the fact that she doesnt tell people she’s in a woman x woman relationship unless people directly ask. She doesnt label her sexuality. And I look up to her severely for that.

My mother is homophobic. She says she isn’t, and maybe she’s not, due to the fact she accepts my sister and her girlfriend, and hopes they get married someday. But for me, I was supposed to be the ray of hope. I was supposed to be blonde, straight, thin, cheerleading captain female who went to college and became highly successful. I wasn’t supposed to be the 5-foot-8, blue haired, overweight, artsy gender fluid kid she had who dropped out of high school, got their GED, and “doesnt show signs of responsibility” (- per my mother, who doesnt want to put me through college) kid she ultimately got.

Dressing how I felt was comfortable and loving who I wanted to love brought me hate from the one person who should love me unconditionally - my own mother. Most people were given hate by their peers, being called gay and butch. My hate was given from the person who gave me life. My mother has said that she regrets getting pregnant with me, and that she would’ve stopped after her first two kids. In fact, she had her tubes tied BEFORE she got pregnant with me. I was being born, with or without her consent. She has told me countless times that she feels like she failed as a parent due to the way I came out as an adult.

To this day, she tells me that I constantly look “too lesbian” or “too butch” and that I need to “go back to how I used to look”. She doesnt accept that I like women. She calls me a lesbian - and everyone knows that when you like both men and women, you’re very obviously not a lesbian. Ive told her countless times that I’m not a lesbian. But she never listens. She uses the term lesbian as anyone in middle school would use the word gay - as an insult.

It makes me confused. How could you raise your kid - which by the way, Im the first kid she raised on her own, her other two were raised with either my grandmother or the baby’s father - and tell them you’re disgusted by their happiness? How could you be okay with one pansexual daughter and hate the other?

(This next part might be TMI but it makes another avid point.)

How can you be okay with your daughter sending explicit pictures to a boy, but be disgusted by your daughter holding hands with a girl?

I still have to hide my relationship with Cole. It makes me sick to my stomach to not be able to say “Mom, this is my girlfriend.” with the girl I care ever so deeply for. I want to take her to family events and show her to the world, screaming at the top of my lungs that Cole is mine and mine alone.

Cole tells me that I’m an idiot when I get gushy. In fact, she’ll probably text me saying I made her cry (dont worry, its tears of love) if she gets to the end of this.

Cole is gorgeous. Even when I spend the night, and she’s got sleep in her eyes the next morning, teeth not yet brushed, hair a mess, making gross yawning faces, I still think she’s quite possibly the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. She’s always got me nonstop laughing, doubling over and straight up snorting sometimes. She’s caring and headstrong, not afraid to stand up for what she believes in.

I want to be able to show her off.

But I cant with a mother like mine.

So, long story short, I grew up in an accepting community. Fell hard for some men and some women. Grew up and realized who I was as a person. Found someone who accepts me through each and every questioning moment I have with myself. Yet, I cant show her off like the people around me all because of the one person who gave me life.

I guess you could say this is the end, but everyone knows its a To Be Continued. You just gotta roll with what life gives you, whether or not the people in your life are there to love you or hurt you.

If you got this far, I applaud and also thank you. I’m not able to rant to anyone like this, so if you took the time to read this, I appreciate it. No one wants to hear my story. If you do…

My name is Marley, and I am a Pansexual, Gender Neutral, KPop loving cosplayer who is not afraid to love who they want to love.

Thank you ♡

(Btw, sorry if I got off track towards the end. My mind wanders when telling stories. I wrote this on my phone so I’ll go back and add a “Keep Reading” thing if you’d rather just skip it.)

#lgbt #lgbtq+#coming out story #coming out #love #long reads #my story #emotional #storytime

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lnd64zgj-blog · 5 years

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how to find cheap car insurance for young drivers

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :cheaptoinsure.top

SOURCES:

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Can an insurance company make me pay taxes on a loan i took out against my life insurance policy?

I took out a loan on a life insurance policy. the premiums i paid had twice exceeded the amount my beneficiaries would recieve if i died. I was told that if i didn t repay the loan the only penalty would be that amount would be deducted from the pay out if i should die.I did not repay the loan and decided i did not want to keep paying on the policy because i had much better insurance. the insurance company added the cost of the loan plus a lot of interest and unbeknowst to me reported (to IRS)an amount almost 3 times larger than the loan as my additional income. Can they do this?

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :COVERAGEQUOTES.NET

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maljean89 · 5 years

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I turned 30 and got my tubes tied

Just shy of a week ago I had my very first surgery — I got my tubes tied. Although, “getting your tubes tied” is sort of an out-of-date term these days come to find. Nowadays, removing your entire fallopian tubes is the standard for a couple of reasons: removing them completely (as opposed to tying, clamping or cauterizing) can prevent the occurrence of an ectopic pregnancy and can reduce the risk for Ovarian Cancer. Dude, I have so much cancer in my family, if I can reduce my risk for one kind, I’m down.

I’m really glad I’ve never had surgery before because going into it blindly was probably the best thing for me. I had no idea what to expect and if I had I think I would have been even more of an anxious mess than I already was. I am the queaziest, most fainty human being on the planet, so the entire experience of having the 3 attempts to put my IV in was a little hellish. But being put under felt pretty cool and before I knew it, I was waking up and it was all over. It took a solid 3 days of doing nothing but laying on my back and hobbling to the toilet before I started to feel like a human again. And let me tell you — having a boyfriend with an amazing sense of humor kind of sucks when laughing causes you pain. But he took the best care of me and 6 days later I’ve got a way less bloated and swollen tummy (looked like I was pregnant for a couple days) and my insides feel like normal again. I’ve got these 3 sweet battle wound scars — two on either side of my lower abdomen and one in my belly button — and I can officially say that I’m sterile as a cotton ball.

I’m pretty excited that I now have a response when people inevitably ask “So when are you and Jonah going to have a baby?” I’m going to enjoy it a little too much to be able to say, “Never actually. I had my tubes tied.” Telling people you don’t want kids makes them incredibly uncomfortable for some reason. I’ve never really understood it, but one of two things usually happen. One: they get real awkward and change the subject, never to be visited again. Or two: the barrage of questions begins. Some people are genuinely interested. Some people feel the same way and I get high fives. Some people do the whole, “well, you’ve got plenty of time to change your mind” routine.

The thing that probably kills me the most though is when people ask why.

“Why don’t you want to have kids? If you don’t mind my asking,” they’ll say.

You got a few hours? People ask this question like its a simple answer. Dude, if its a simple answer, I highly recommend that you don’t get sterilized because one simple answer isn’t sufficient. I have scores of reasons! And the reasons why I don’t only stand to inform the actions I would take if I oddly changed my mind someday.

I thought I’d share some of my many reasons with you all. Some are emotional, some are physical, some are financial — they’re all over the place. If you don’t care — thats cool. If you think I’m stupid — you’re entitled to your opinion. But I do think it would broaden your vision a bit to read why someone might not want to reproduce. If you’re one of the people judging me, I encourage you to take a moment to learn about someone different than yourself.

1. Physically, I legit can’t handle it. I know every woman is probably terrified of actually giving birth, but I literally could not handle it. I have to lay down to get a flu shot, and stay laying down for a solid 10 minutes or I’ll pass out. Getting my blood drawn makes me faint every time. And just discussing the process of inserting a NuvaRing with my gyno made me lightheaded and have to lay down. Getting my lady exam every year makes me so nervous I often present with high blood pressure because my nerves get the better of me so badly. Don’t think I could handle 9 months of discomfort, thinking about whats happening to my insides, and then the inevitable pain of actual birth. And even if I somehow could handle it — I don’t want to put myself through that. No thanks, I’ll pass.

2. Financially, I don’t want the burden. People may think thats a cold reason to not want kids, but I’m just being honest. I’m a fucking millennial for god’s sake — I’ll be drowning in student loan debt until the day I die, paying off only the interest on my income based repayment plan each month. I’m just now at 30 years old feeling stable with my own income for the first time ever. And to be 100% honest with you, I want to spend my money on me and my partner, not a small person who doesn’t even understand what money is and how hard I have to work for it. If you can look past that — high five to you, but I can admit that I’m not that big of a person.

3. I don’t want the strain on my body. I’m not special in that I’ve struggled with my body image my whole life. And sure — you can argue all you want that having kids is more rewarding than having a hot bod. And I’m sure thats true for some people. But vainly, I just don’t want to ruin my body like that. I’ve got enough stretch marks on my inner thighs and love handles from when I was heavier. I shall opt for keeping my bladder and vagina and breasts in tact for as long as I can. #SorryNotSorry

4. It’s not what I want my day to day life to be about. I enjoy being around kids of a certain age for a very short amount of time, and somehow that window gets smaller and smaller as they get older. I don’t have enough time for myself, I can’t even imagine having every moment be about feeding and changing and crying and being sick and everything else. Worrying about myself and the people I love is all I have the energy and time for folks. Its wonderful that some people are happy having every day be about play dates and going to the park and doing whatever Mommy-and-Me crap you mothers out there do — but thats just not who I am. I enjoy traveling and seeing the world, experiencing art and theater and music, trying really hard and failing at making alone time for myself, falling in love with Jonah more and more every day, searching for a woman to fall in love with at the same time, and a million other things I could spend hours writing about. In everything I want for my life, there just isn’t a kid running around in that mix.

5. I’ve got some weird Mom-related reasons swirling around in my noggin, too. My relationship with my mother was very special to me. I was an only child raised by a single mom and that, my friends, creates bonds unlike any other. In the three years since she’s died, I’ve realized how sacred my time with her was. I even had a window of time where I thought I was going to cancel getting my tubes tied because I had this morbid realization that by having a baby, and possibly a little girl, I could have a piece of my mom back again. Thats not a healthy way to think. I talked my feelings out with my loved ones and ended up back at my decision to have the procedure. Somehow, the mother-daughter relationship that I had with her is the only one I want to have in my life.

6. Other areas in my life deserve my love and attention more than a child. First and foremost — my love life is too important to me. Jonah is my world. And aside from the fact that on our first date he told me he didn’t want to have any more kids (he has a daughter from a previous relationship), our life doesn’t have room for an infant. Our life together — my career, my company, other creative and business ventures I have brewing in my head, Jonah’s music, our love life being polyamorous — all of these things deserve my love and attention more than having a baby. And guess what? As mentioned above, I already get to have a daughter in a sense! I get to have this super cool friendship/stepmom/parent-type thing with a wonderful little girl that came from the man of my dreams. I can’t wait to see her blossom into a young woman and see what she’ll achieve in life. ALSO, I have an amazing nephew who is about the same age and even though I don’t get to see him every day the way his mom saw me every day, I love the bond I have with him and getting to see him grow into such a sweet and upstanding young man. All of this and more deserve my love and attention more than creating another human.

7. I don’t think its necessary to populate the world with more people. If I lose anyone big time with any of these reasons, I think this one might be it. We as human beings are literally ruining this planet. There are too many people in existence as it is. We’re polluting the ocean at an alarming rate, global warming is all our fucking fault, and every year more and more animals hit that endangered species list or worse, become extinct. Don’t get me started on animal rights! More people just create more garbage, more waste, more problems. I’m sure you love your big family and think you’re not part of the problem, but guess what — we all are. I don’t want to add to it. I can help not add to it by the following...

8. I would choose adoption over reproducing any fucking day. When I had my initial doctors appointment to schedule my tubal ligation, my doctor obviously asked me why I wanted the procedure done. I rambled off a few of these reasons I’ve just shared with you and closed with this: “If for some crazy reason I want nothing more than to have a child 10 years from now, I would want to adopt anyway.” And that was the end of that conversation. There are so many children that need foster homes or to be adopted. In Minnesota alone, an article from this past January from Kare 11 states that “this year alone some 17,000 children will need temporary, out-of-home placements.” I saw an adorable little boy at the grocery store the other day running in front of his parents. For one second I thought, there are I don’t even know how many little boys just like him that need homes across the globe. The thought broke my heart. If I wake up 5 years from now and want nothing more than to be a mom, I want to change someone’s life and give them the loving home they otherwise might not ever have.

9. I’ve never had a strong will to be a mother. Sure, when you’re in grade school you might trade future baby names with your girlfriends at recess. For me it was Hayden for a boy and Aslynn for a girl. But as a teenager and adult, that daydream disappeared. I’ve never longed to be a mother, or to have any sort of a conventional life for that matter. It’s always seemed really boring and expected and normal. One of the very very few positive things that came out of my relationship with my ex-husband was the day he helped me realize that I just assumed I’d have kids someday because thats what society had drilled into me. The moment I stood back and really honestly asked myself, “Do I want kids?” I had my answer. No. And I’ve never looked back.

10. Most importantly, my body was made for more than reproduction. I know we don’t live in medieval times — this isn’t Game of Thrones no matter how much I wish it was. We live in an age of being a career mom and female empowerment up the wazoo. But theres still this thing floating around out there in the world that its expected of me to reproduce. Ridiculous abortion laws like the one that just passed in Georgia that makes it illegal to get an abortion after 6 weeks makes me feel like we’re only glimpsing the tip of the iceberg of whats coming down the pipes. The only person who can control what I do with my body is me goddamn it. My female body can do just as much (AND MORE) than any male body can. Maybe its just me being stubborn or thinking I’m more important than I am, but I firmly believe my body can do a million more important things shit out children. I truly believe we are heading to a Handmaid’s Tale existence, and I won’t be a part of it. I refuse.

I didn’t write this blog to make you feel like shit if you are a mother, and enjoy being a mother. Everyone is different. I respect that. But we all have different perspectives. And I truly believe that there are a lot of moms out there that didn’t think long and hard enough about this life-changing decision, and now they’re stuck with it for life. At the end of the day — you’re going to do you, and I’m going to do me. But maybe you have a little insight into what goes on in a head like mine, and why motherhood doesn’t have to be your future if you don’t want it to be.

I’ll be honest with you — I sort of have this weird feeling that for once I have total control over my own body. Pregnancy has been this fear stamped on my love life since I took that dive at 14 and I finally feel free from it. I don’t know, maybe I’m blowing it out of proportion. I could be feeling that way because I just bought my first house and have this cool, new perspective on taking control of my life. But somehow, I’ve never felt more in control in 👏🏻 my 👏🏻 life 👏🏻

Watch out world. The only one in control of my life and my body is me.

#tubes tied #tubal ligation #30 years old #my body #my body my choice #millennial #handmaids tale #sterilization #pregnancy #having kids #having a baby #mothers #daughters #mothers and daughters

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sxpersum------------archive · 5 years

Text

How far can you go before something breaks? || TCU Verse

How long has it been since she last had sleep? A week and a half? Yeah that seems about right. The amount of work Nugget’s uncle has given hasn’t even afforded her the chance to enjoy her newest purchase. A car.

What a shame too since she was pretty proud of it. It was not too fancy, but it was enough for while she was at TCU. She smiled at the thought of showing it off to her friends before heading back to work.

While signing some papers that her uncle sent to her while she was at the fair the day before, thats when it hit...

A painful and deep pressure accompanied by the feeling of malaise, it wasn’t the first time she felt this. Some other times she felt like she was breaking into a cold sweat others, dizziness would set in.“I must be getting the flu thats been going around...” She said to herself, adding a mental note to make an appointment with a doctor later. For now, the future CEO was going to put her pen down and wait for the feeling to pass. It wasn’t like there was much she could do besides wait and think about things anyway...

So much has been going on with Nugget for the past couple of weeks. From the added workload from her uncle for defying his wishes to be in a dorm without roommates, to the stress of missing important deadlines around the time of exams, school work, and recently the arranged marriage that has now been canceled. It has been nearly two months of stress. These thoughts raced through her mind as she waited for the heaviness in her chest to pass.

Once she was feeling better, her phone pinged, alerting her of a message. Checking it, she saw that her Uncle David was about to board the last flight before he would be in the town that TCU was in. Great... She knew why he was coming and the thought of him coming in person to personally talk to her definitely made the anxiety within her rise. However there wasn’t much she could do at this point other than stop working and start getting ready as she only had one and a half hours to shower and look presentable for her Uncle before receiving his fury via a lecture.

Hopefully her uncle would be kind enough to treat them each to lunch before hand because she was famished. She had been subsiding with at the most one meal every day just to keep up with the demand of Work and school.

Such wishful thinking was enough to push her through the door of the penthouse and into the elevator.

Nugget didn’t have to wait long for a black car to pull up to the curb of dorm, once the driver opened the back door, she headed into the car. The insides were as dark as the paint on the outside, there was very little, if any light at all and between the front and back row of seats was a privacy screen. Probably so that the Driver wouldn’t hear the conversation her passengers was having.

She clutched her purse as the tense air suffocated her, she could feel her uncles anger without him even saying a word. The car would stay in completely quiet until the both of them felt the car moved forward.

“Savannah...” Her Uncle broke the silence with a stern voice, it took only her Uncles mention of her real name to get Nuggets heart already pounding. “You do understand why I am here, correct?”

Nugget stayed silent. She knew why he was here, but she couldn’t find the words to speak up.

“Well,” he continued, “I am here because apparently, you cannot stop making messes with every single thing you touch. You know this talk was a long time coming because for the last month and a half you have managed to disobey me one way or another! From you blatantly moving dorms and gaining roommates to you ruining the marriage that was planned to happen with that Bloodworth kid.”

“But..I, they... I didn’t have a hand in it, i swear! It was done by the grandfa-” Nugget managed to stammer out before she was cut off.

“You be quiet!” David belted out, startling Nugget in the process and causing her to go stiff as she listened to what he had to say next. Fear and anxiety rising within her already tired body even more than before...

After readjusting his glasses, he continued. “I know you had a hand in it somehow, how else would such wonderful plans for you be ruined? You know, you are such a handful of a brat since you came to my care, nothing you do is right. In fact all the work I have sent in to you for the past week has become more and more late! You already know this because of the emails...”

Turning to face the window, something felt off to Nugget... The words her uncle was saying was starting to fade to something she could barely hear, as if he was speaking in the distance. Even the pressure in her chest was returning as the world started to feel like it was spinning. “Oh no,” she thought as the feeling of malaise was creeping its way back. The air felt thick, like it was a struggle for her to even get one breath in. What was going on? Nugget could only feel impending doom as the car pulled to the front of a restaurant and waited for the driver to open the door just so she could get some air to breath.

As she got out of the car with the help of the driver, things didn’t get better. “Is everything okay you don’t look so good sweetie...” Noted the female driver as Nugget grabbed their hand. That was the last thing she heard before her vision faded to black and she lost consciousness.

By the time she woke up, eight hours have passed since she was last awake. She was laying in a bed, something felt to be attached to her arms and chest, and nothing was familiar. Maybe the constant beeping, but she couldn't remember where she had heard it before at the moment. Despite just waking up, she felt so tired...

I can just figure out where the hell I am at when I wake up again... she thought.

Just before she drifted away to sleep once more, a nurse walked into the room Nugget was currently in. At the realization that her patient was finally awake, the nurse was ecstatic and quickly went to Nuggets side. She could finally get information she was missing.

“Excuse me, Ms. Prewitt? Before you go back to sleep, are you able to answer some questions?” After a mumbled yes, and an attempt from her patient at sitting up that was thwarted with a gentle push back down, the Nurse continued. “Is there anyone that we could contact for you that near by?”

“Theres, uh... A group chat on my phone that you can use, they are all friends and staff at the school... Its called TCU Dorm Chat... ” Nugget obediently replied as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. “Wait... Why would you need that? Where am I”

Nugget listened intently to the nurse as she heard the story of how she ended up where she was now. According to the nurse, she had a heart attack that lead to cardiac arrest at a restaurant, some good Samaritans helped her and who she was with by calling emergency services and administer CPR to her. Apparently there was supposed to be someone following behind the ambulance to meet them up at the hospital but no one showed up. After administering treatment Nugget was out cold for a while till now. All the while the hear monitor attached to her started to beep more and more often as the story went on.

“Wait... The hospital?” Tears filled her eyes as she started shaking, the monitor continued to beat faster. “No, NO! I cant be here, please let me out!” She started to pull at the IV tubes attached to her, and despite the protest of the nurse, despite the nurse telling her that she couldn’t go, she had to stay for five days, Nugget couldn’t calm down.

It ended up taking her medical team using a drug to sedate her back to sleep so that their patient wouldn’t hurt herself more than she already had. As nugget slipped back into sleep, she saw the nurse pick up her phone and began to type on it.

#{| Stale Studies and Dramatic Dorms; TCU verse |}#{| Rambling Drabbles |}#{| IC |}#tw: hospital #tw: heart attack

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