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pagannatural · 29 days

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2.09 Croatoan

-my beloved

-The brothers go to Oregon because Sam has a vision of Dean shooting someone who pleads for his life.

-Sam thinks Dean is violent and out of control because of his grief but he’s actually violent and out of control because he’s losing his mind over Sam.

-Sam looks very Scared Little Brother when they realize the town has no phone signal. He stands really close to Dean. Sam is right. I forgot how scary this episode is.

-Sam hesitates to kill the son who had the mom tied up, and Dean berates him. Dean calls the son a “monster” and Sam says “it was a kid.” Dean likes a clean line between monster and human.

-Sam is always the one who comforts the victims and tells people everything will be okay, another way in which his role in the relationship is traditionally feminine. He’s the one women find non-threatening. (And he’s too distracted by Dean to be attracted to them).

-When the mom, Beverly, says “one minute they were my husband and my son and the next they had the devil in them” the camera cuts to Sam and Dean. This line could be Dean describing a blood-drinking Sam: one minute he was my husband and my son and the next he had the devil in him.

-One of the armed men blocking the road out of town asks Dean to get out of the car to “talk a little,” and Dean says “you are a handsome devil but I don’t swing that way, sorry.” It’s easy to forget that in the early 2000s, this kind of throwaway joke on network tv didn’t usually hint at a character’s hidden sexuality, it was just a vaguely biphobic little joke. But I do think there’s a reason it’s here.

The Croatoan virus is a demonic virus spread from blood infection that’s not visible just by looking at someone. So we have a little AIDS parallel. It’s also a similar concept to Sam’s demon blood. His blood represents choice and sin and the human mixed with the monstrous. Blood is also associated with family.

Incest and queerness are taboos that have often been conflated in fiction (and in history), and both have been strongly associated with monstrosity—think predatory sexuality, birth defects, infertility, rejection of the natural order. A desire that’s dangerous and wrong and destructive, that must stay hidden and can only survive in the shadows. The homoerotic incestuous monster hunters are the perfect storm of gothic queer horror.

Whether or not either brother is queer doesn’t affect the plot, and isn’t the point. I can see Dean grappling with being in love with Sam without questioning his sexuality at all. Sam is a category unto himself to Dean, and Sam doesn’t appear bothered about his sexuality aside from his feelings about Dean. But the confluence of these taboos—incest and queerness—with blood is central to the plot of the show and the question of what evil is. Really their love for each other and their shared blood is what saves them, keeps them human.

-Another of my absolute favorite underrated wincest moments is when Beverly is begging for her life from the utility room and Dean asks Sam “are you sure she’s one of them?” Sam barely nods and it’s enough for Dean to shoot her three times point blank. He doesn’t need any more information, just for Sam to nod slightly.

-Sam suggests that they need to leave to warn others of the virus and Dean tells him he has a good point. They respect each other’s input and work together well.

-Duane shows up and the situation becomes very tense. Sam is standing with his whole body facing Dean. In moments of extreme stress, Sam often seeks Dean’s protection rather than focusing on the threat.

-Dean has a gun on Duane with some urgency but Sam says “I gotta talk to you—now” and Dean leaves the room with him immediately.

Sam argues that they should wait and not kill Duane in case he isn’t infected. Dean says “what’s that buy us?”

“A clear conscience, for one.”

“Well it’s too late for that.” Is Dean talking about his guilt over John’s death? Or is this more about his general self hatred around never being enough to be everything for everyone, to give Sam everything that he needs and be the perfect son and soldier and brother and father and mother?

Sam tells him “you don’t act like yourself anymore, Dean. You’re acting like one of those things out there.” Dean does feel lost. He needs Sam to save him so that he can save Sam.

-Sam is so devoted to Dean this season. He spent season 1 gradually giving into his complete trust and commitment to Dean and now he’s been losing him or at risk of losing him in different ways all season. He fights tooth and nail for Dean every step of the way to get him to listen, to talk, to come back to him.

-Dean pushes Sam out of the way and locks him out, aiming to kill Duane. He says “it’s not him, not any more” and “I’ve got no choice.” But then Dean decides not to shoot him.

-When the doctor asks if it’s alright to untie Duane, Dean and Sam seem to have a wordless conversation in which Dean defers to Sam’s judgement, and Sam tells the doctor it’s okay to untie him.

-Sam is Dean’s morality. Dean is submitting to Sam, needing him to help him make the right choice. By doing this he’s also believing in Sam’s ability to stay good.

-Sam says about Dean not killing Duane “you know I’m gonna ask you why.”

Dean replies “yeah I know,” not looking up, focusing on keeping his hands busy making Molotov cocktails.

“So why? Why didn’t you do it?”

Dean looks at Sam with his chin tucked, like it’s hard to meet his eyes. He doesn’t answer. He clears his throat and says “we need more alcohol,” basically asking Sam to leave for a moment so that he can pull it together. He gazes after Sam with this raw, shamed look.

It’s the first of two parallels in this episode to their conversation in 1.19 where Sam says his reticence to date is mostly not about Jessica, and Dean asks “then what is it about?” and Sam just looks at him, implying heavily that it’s about Dean.

The question Dean was asking Sam there was essentially, Why can’t you love anyone else?

The first question Sam asks Dean is why he didn’t kill someone, but it’s also why Dean wants to do the right thing and not lose himself, and the answer is because of Sam.

-After Sam is attacked, he reaches for Dean’s hand to help him up off the floor and then just leaves his hand outstretched after Sarge holds Dean back and tells him Sam is infected. It’s like his muscle memory of reach-out-hand, Dean-pulls-me-up hasn’t caught on.

-The whole time Dean argues with the others about Sam, Sam only looks at the floor or at Dean. He’s not watching the conversation, he’s watching Dean because he’s scared and he looks to Dean when he’s scared.

-Dean says “no one’s shooting my brother”

He’s so protective. He was about to kill someone who might be infected just in case, but when it’s Sam he would simply rather die in a murder suicide and that’s that on that.

-Sam asks for the gun so that he can shoot himself, saying “I’m not gonna become one of those things.” This episode is pure foreshadowing for the end of s5. Sam refuses to become a monster, Dean chooses to stand by him and die rather than kill him. Because of their faith in each other, because they waited, things work out.

-Dean hands over the keys to the impala. He’s not fucking around. He tells the doctor “oh actually we’re not really marshals.” He’s in a truth telling mood, fuck it.

-Sam asks Dean to leave him and keep living, looking at him with incredulity and gratitude and love and fear.

Dean leaving him alone to die or become a monster would fulfill Sam’s deepest fear—left behind, not belonging, because something is wrong with him. But he still asks Dean to go, he throws a fit, he tells him “this is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done.” It reminds me of that scene from Titanic, Jack telling Rose “you’re so stupid” for staying with him instead of saving herself.

He says “it’s over for me, it doesn’t have to be for you.”

“No?”

“No. You can keep going.”

“Who says I want to?”

This scene is so dramatic and romantic. Close shots of their faces, Sam looking up at Dean with his eyes full of tears, begging him. Dean tells Sam he doesn’t want to go on without him.

Sam asks, what?

For a moment it almost looks like he’s taking this as the confession that it is, before Dean puts some distance between them and leans against the wall. This is the second scene is this episode to parallel their conversation in 1.19, this time even more closely.

Sam thinks Dean doesn’t want to go on because their dad died, but Dean says “you’re wrong. It’s not about dad. I mean part of it is, sure, but-“

Sam interrupts to ask “then what is it about?” and Dean gives him this look,

this look of love and tenderness, like he’s willing Sam to understand.

This time Sam’s question is Why don’t you want to live? And the answer is that Dean doesn’t want to live without Sam.

I love how this scene makes clear that Sam’s romantic partners compare directly to Dean. It confirms what Sam was thinking about in 1.19, because for these scenes to rhyme they must have been thinking about each other.

-The brothers share a romantic beer at the lake. Sam asks Dean what he was talking about last night in a way that honest-to-god sounds like he’s referring to pillow talk. Dean doesn’t want to tell so Sam keeps pushing, but their tones are teasing and light. They really sound like they’re flirting. Dean suggests that they go to the Grand Canyon.

Sam keeps questioning him, gentle but insistent, as Dean talks about taking a break.

-Where is our Grand Canyon episode?

-Sam looks so scared when Dean says John told him something about Sam before he died. I wonder what’s running through his head. There’s this feeling that people with Sam’s negative core belief often get, which is a fear that something is deeply wrong or rotten in them and that eventually other people will find out. He’s probably thinking that’s finally happened.

#samdean #supernatural #spn meta #wincest #spn 2x09

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mmmichyyy · 4 months

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one phone call

a spiritual companion piece to chapter four of balancing on the ledge - what if they kept in touch when mickey was in mexico?

“Gallagher.”

Ian sits up straight in his bed. Rubs the sleep from his eyes and blinks at his surroundings, adjusting his vision in the dark. A crumpled pack of Marlboros on the nightstand, surrounded by knocked over orange bottles of pills. A lone sock on the floor, from his missed aim at the hamper. A crack of light peeking into his room, reflecting off the snow falling outside the window.

“Gallagher,” the voice over the phone repeats, tinny and far away. “Are you there.”

It's real, he thinks, pinching his arm. This isn't a dream.

“Mickey,” Ian whispers.

A sigh on the other end of the line.

“Hey.”

“Where are you?” Ian asks faintly.

“Can't tell you.” Sounds of a chair shuffling against the floor in the background. Glasses clinking. Muffled voices. A bar, maybe. “I’m alive, though.”

Relief floods his entire body. It's been a while since he heard from Mickey, maybe a couple weeks since he's received a text from an unknown number. Usually it's just a short message, nothing revealing, nothing profound, but every time his phone chimes his heart starts racing in anticipation to seeing Mickey's name on his screen.

Well, not Mickey exactly. Just M or a string of random numbers. Can't be too careful.

“That's good,” Ian manages to say. “I'm glad.”

A moment of silence. A million questions and thoughts run through Ian's head. How are you? What kind of jobs are you doing down there? Are you safe? Tell me you're okay. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

But he doesn't. Can't get the words out.

“Jesus Gallagher, did you fall asleep on me?”

“No,” Ian says quickly. “No, I'm just… I'm just surprised you called, that's all.”

“Thought you wanted me to call.”

“I do, Mick.” Ian lets out a deep breath. “But I don't want you to get caught.”

“It's fine. I'm using a new burner.” A pause. “I wanted to hear your voice.”

The slight slurring in Mickey's voice makes Ian go still.

“Are you drunk?”

A huff. “Can't get drunk anymore. My tolerance has gone way up since I got here.”

“Mickey.”

“Gallagher.” Ian can practically hear Mickey's eyes rolling from miles away. “I'm fine, okay? Fuck, I don't even know why I called. I knew you didn't give a fuck about–”

“Don't do that,” Ian cuts him off quietly. “Please, Mick. Don't push me away. I need–” Sighs. “I need to know you're okay.”

“So you can clear your conscience?” Mickey spits out. “So you don't feel guilty for leaving me at the border?”

“You don't think I feel guilty about it every single day?” Ian practically yells. “I do. I think about it all the time. How I could be in Mex– there for you, taking care of you, building our future together. How we could be happy together. But I couldn't come with you. I couldn't drag you down with my shit. If you got caught because of me, I don't think I can live with myself.”

The line on the other end goes quiet. A minute goes by, then another, long enough for Ian’s nerves to shake. Then–

“I don't have a future, Ian,” Mickey finally says, quiet and soft. “This is it for me. This is my life. I'm going to be here for a long time.”

“The heat is going to die down eventually,” Ian whispers. “The charges are bullshit anyway. Everything's going to work out. I promise.”

A small laugh. “You promise, huh.”

Ian has no idea what's going to happen or what the future holds. But what he does know is that this isn't the end of his and Mickey's story together. One day, whenever it may be, he's going to see Mickey again. And when he does, he's never going to let go ever again.

“I promise.”

A flick of a lighter on the other end. Then, a deep exhale.

“I gotta go.”

Ian's heart lurches.

“Promise me you'll stay in touch. You don't have to call, but just text me from time to time and let me know you're okay.” A lump forms in his throat. “Please, Mick.”

Another deep sigh. But–

“Okay,” Ian hears, and the world aligns itself once again. “I promise.”

The snow continues to fall outside, covering the entire neighbourhood with a blanket of frost. Ian wonders what the weather is like where Mickey is. Warm, he hopes.

“Merry Christmas, Mickey.”

“Merry Christmas, Gallagher.”

#kind of a christmas fic but not really #not very cheery but hopeful i would say!#you don't need to read botl but it would be nice if you did :)#gallavich #my words #gallavich fic #ian x mickey #ian and mickey fic #ian and mickey #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #michy ficlet

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storiesbyjes2g · 3 months

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3.71 Derailed

When we got to Chi Chi's, Karmine hadn't gotten home yet, and I was relieved. She was a sweet kid and all, but man could she talk. I probably wouldn't have made it out once she cornered me. Ha, and now that she was a teenager, she probably had even more to say and gave Chi Chi a run for her money. Bless that child. I left from there and went immediately to Gilbert Gardens, feeling only 8% guilty that I didn't stop at Dad's. He would ask great questions and try to help me talk through it, but this was something I needed to do on my own. Sophia and I had many discussions about the future, and I sensed the urgency to seriously consider our next steps, especially since she had been prepared for quite some time. I was too, in theory, but that was the problem. My next move needed to come from the heart, not from panic or pressure. I wanted to make my request confidently, with a clear conscience and a pure heart.

A man I'd never seen before interrupted my thoughts. He looked pretty young, maybe fresh out of high school. His super light eyes struck me, and I halfway believed they were real. Gray wasn't an unusual color, but they seemed to glow against his dark skin.

"Excuse me," he said. "Sorry to bother you. I'm Wade."

"Luca. Nice to meet you."

"Yeah, same here. Look, this is my first time here, and I have a few hours to kill. Would you mind suggesting a few things to do around here?"

Ah ha! He was a tourist. Of course, I didn't know everyone in San Sequoia, but I usually saw the same sims everywhere.

"It's your first time in San Sequoia?"

"Yeah."

"Cool. Well, welcome. I love it here. Hoping to move back soon. But sure, I can help you out."

"Thanks! I appreciate that."

So much for my thoughtful walk. Did I really need it, though? I loved Sophia. Everyone loved Sophia, and I already considered her my family. When I thought about the future, she was all I saw. She and the rest of our family. What was there to think about? It's not like I needed to decide if I wanted to be with her forever. I just needed to do it. There was no such thing as the right time, and knowing Sophia, I didn't need to craft an elaborate plan. Just ask, and let the chips fall.

With that out of the way, my mind, and calendar, were free to help this guy. He was fortunate to approach me because he wouldn't find a bigger fan of San Sequoia.

"Actually, I have some time," I said. "I could show you a few of my favorite spots, if you want."

Those super bright eyes of his seemed to glow even brighter.

"Would you? That would be incredible!"

"Of course. How long are you here for?"

"Just for the day. Gotta catch the evening train."

"Where to?"

"Brindleton Bay."

"Oh, nice. I've never been, but my mom used to live there."

Wade shrugged dismissively.

"It's an okay place. I'm originally from Henford, and moving to BB had it's challenges. I posted a video about it on my SimTube channel."

"You're on SimTube? That's kinda crazy because I just started a channel. What are your videos about?"

"Some of them are personal vlogs, but I also do a series listing the top things to see in different towns. Maybe I'll do one about San Sequoia. What about you? What are your videos about?"

Wow, this guy seemed heavy into SimTube. He probably had thousands of followers and made all kinds of money. Maybe we could stay in touch, and he could teach me a thing or two about growing my channel.

"Uhh, heh, well, I've only done one so far, but I'm a yoga instructor. I do simple routines that anyone can follow and learn. So, I take it you travel a lot?"

"Not as much as I plan to. I've only covered Henford and Batuu so far. I'm currently working on one for Brindleton Bay, but like I said, the place is going to take some getting used to. The entire town smells like fish!"

"Eww. Really?"

Mama didn't talk about her single life much, but I think I'd remember her saying her city smelled like fish. I'd have to ask her about that.

"I think most places have their own set of challenges, though," I continued. "Like, I recently moved to Oasis springs. I love how it's warm all the time, but man is it dusty!"

He threw his head back and let out a hearty laugh.

"Dust might be just as bad as fish!"

"It might be! Which is worse: a constant bad smell or feeling like you're dirty all the time?"

Wade was so animated and fun to watch. My question made his face wrinkle up as if the whole world suddenly reeked of fish.

"Okay, you win! Filth is the absolute worst!"

His outfit was so sleek and fancy, it was clear he liked things neat. He also looked pretty fit, so I knew what our first activity had to be.

"You workout, Wade?"

"Most definitely! Gotta look good for the ladies, right?"

"Absolutely!"

We vibe'd well, and I liked him. I bet he'd be really fun to party with.

"Nah, but seriously," he said, "my dad's obsession with fitness has rubbed off on me. Oh, and you can call me Dub. Most sims do."

I grinned at the thought of us becoming friends.

"Okay, Dub. You ready for a scenic run?"

"I stay ready!"

Your eyes have not deceived you. THEE Wade "Dub" Banks from @mysimsloveaffair's The Banks Dynasty is in the building! Thanks so much for letting me borrow him and spark this amazing friendship.

If you don't know Dub, check out her story! It's one of my favorites.

Also...I guess him meeting Luca officially puts aDOLTing in the Pierson Cinematic Universe! Dub is Kai's oldest son, the one who climbed with Nate on Mt. Komorebi.

#ISBI challenge #sims 4 story #sims 4 gameplay #adolting #adolting gen 3 #luca winston murillo #wade banks #banks crossover

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kakumeikalaila · 1 year

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So……

Finally we are actually getting some info and not skipping to someone else!

I gotta say… I did not see that coming but I’m loving it!!! Some good old war tactics and not just charging in head first (coughLuffycough). Love it. It shows exactly how long this has been building up for! So far we have only speculated how good of a strategist Dragon was based on few little cues but to actually see the extent… I’m glad I was right! No offense to Luffy: it’s fun to see him punch people, but this is more my piece of cake. Also… KARMA IS COMING BACK BITCHES!!!

Anything that can make Dragon make that face is a big no-no in my books… This is going to be fun: I can’t wait to see them all fight seriously!!! Also… is that Shanks? Or his evil twin maybe?

LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!! Finally! Someone said it! People really need to take Dragon’s words here and tattoo them on their foreheads. We need more of him in the real world… I’m real glad we are getting some answers to the key questions we (o at least I) had on the revolution. Again, we always speculated and there were debates around but to have it put black on white is great!

This opens a whole fucking gate on how different the revolution is from what Luffy is doing, for example. They are an army: they fight a war that is bigger than all of them and it needs sacrifices, it’s not all happy-go-lucky. Yes, they know there are bad and good kings. Yes, they are saddened if something happens to the good ones. BUT! They know the general public doesn’t and won’t understand that. They know that things are too complicated to be just black and white but that sometimes that’s all people can see. And they are not above getting their hands dirty if it’s what is needed. They all have a heavy weight on their consciences but they will gladly carry it if it means that the generations after them won’t have to. Sabo’s cold statement here and Dragon’s sarcastic comment just a second later make that very clear. Their hands are covered in blood already. And I adore that Oda is going with this more realistic version of a war and has not just decided to put together a bunch of idealists that are destined to fail. I love how it all works as a sort of balance to Luffy and the Strawhats. The revolutionaries are older, more seasoned realists and the Strawhats, while not exactly idealists either, are more dreamers and optimists. I know I’m generalizing but I think it gets the point across well enough. And I’m in love with all of this. Good job Oda!

Yeah, I can see why that might look quite incriminating… I wasn’t so happy about the revolutionaries all just believing Sabo did it so easily if it was just a headline but I understand now that we know there was an actual picture. Like: boy, I raised you since you were a child, you are my most trusted and my second in command but wtf are you doing with a dead body in your living room?!?!?

Happy to see them holding their grounds on a one on one. Sure, there were handicaps and all but still! That’s no small feat! It took like a fuckton of samurais plus a dragon to do that before and Morley is just here swinging that trident around!

This is gonna be bad. This is going to be very, very bad. God, I hope we are sticking to this storyline and not cutting to someone else. I NEED ANSWERS ODA! NOW!

And now that I said it, next week we are going to see fucking everyone but this. You’re all welcome.

Love the Strawhats to pieces but I am realky enjoying these last chapters without them. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?

#one piece 1083 #one piece spoilers #flame emperor sabo #sabo #monkey d. dragon #dragon the revolutionary #emporio ivankov #kamabakka queendom #revolutionary army #reverie #god’s knights #eichiro oda

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pxayopina-unilsiyu · 8 months

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look who's back with Opinions (tm)

i'll be 100% honest, i have no issue with smut in general. i don't personally consume it, but i can respect it as a form of expression (especially for women) in a very sex-negative purity culture world.

but... Avatar smut so often just completely irks me, and not because of the sexual nature of it. nah, it's not that, it's the creepy racism aspect that is so often prevalent. basically inescapable.

(nsfw warning for everything below)

Many a smutfic posted on here has some tag like "heat cycle" or "heat scent" or "knotting" that makes me recoil. This is not me trying to be a kink-shaming holier-than-thou puritan, rather, an observation about the way some people on here engage with the film and the Na'vi in general, that I think is worth thinking critically about.

In my opinion, these tags and similar ones all have something in common: animalization and exoticism. It's framing the Na'vi less as sapient beings with cognition and culture on an equal level to humans and more as primal and animalistic creatures who have yet to develop a society past the point of breeding permissions and sexual hierarchies--more akin to wolf packs and lion prides than human civilizations.

I don't think it's a coincidence how people so vehemently despised the RDA characters like Quaritch and Wainfleet until they were in Na'vi bodies and therein suddenly had exotic alien sex appeal. It takes a stunning degree of cognitive dissonance to be disgusted by their militaristic and imperialistic culture, mindset, and behavior when they're human, and then turn around and fetishize that aspect of them when they're Na'vi.

I don't think it's a coincidence how the Sully children, despite being no older than 16, are so rampantly sexualized by the fandom. And yes, most who write fanfics about them age them up or whatever, but I gotta ask why the focus on turning them into objects of sexual desire is so heavy--heavier than existing adult male characters like Jake, Tsu'tey, Tonowari, etc. I have never seen people so eager to mental-gymnastics their way into sexualizing a bunch of child characters like I do in the Avatar fandom.

Is it a coincidence we hardly ever see this kind of treatment given to Spider? Only the Na'vi children?

All of this to say--Kinks are informed by culture and society, among other things; they don't manifest out of thin air. I see this sort of thing circulate around the fandom and I have to pause and ask where it's coming from. The Na'vi are undeniably analogous to real-world civilizations and cultures, and I can't in good conscience say that how you engage with them in fiction is wholly detached from how you engage with these real cultures. I've witnessed firsthand how hatred of the Na'vi on the part of RDA apologists translates almost 1:1 with racism and imperialism apology toward real-world Indigenous cultures. I'm not pulling this out of my ass.

Fetishization of "exotic" cultures is a real aspect of imperialism and colonialism, the effects of which are still felt and seen today. Hypersexualization of Asian, Native American, African, and tribal cultures is still rampant in the modern day and was even more so even just a few decades ago. And you see this sort of hypersexualization of the Na'vi everywhere. Ironically, I even see this imperialistic mindset jump out when people try to critique the Na'vi for being oversexualized in the franchise: i.e., "They dress so immodestly!", ignoring the fact that modesty is a wholly Western construct, and women being "immodest" to colonizers was used by colonizers to frame them and their cultures as hypersexualized tribal beasts. It excused sexual abuse against them and their descendants by gaslighting the populus and even the abused themselves into believing sexual abuse was normal, excusable, desired.

(And to be clear, the Na'vi are not above criticism for leaning into Western perceptions of real-world Indigenous cultures, but I wouldn't say they're hypersexualized in the media itself. Yes, they dress """immodestly""", but their immodesty and bodies are never hypersexualized in writing or on screen, imo.)

In conclusion, I guess: I am not saying it's wrong to find the Na'vi attractive, sexually or otherwise. That's 100% okay! And agreeable! I'm not saying having the kinks described above is inherently wrong or that it makes one a bad person--but I am going to point out biases where I think they exist. Kinks are not immune to criticism and analysis. Anything you put out on the internet is subject to it. I'm not trying to stop anyone from writing this stuff or lecture anyone about how wrong and icky it is. You can write whatever you'd like; these are just my opinions. (And please fuck off with the "pro-ship" / "anti" discourse, i am not in the mood to deal with that bag of cats.)

Avatar is a franchise centralized around Indigenous rights and experiences, even if it's through the metaphorical lens of a fictional species. Eroding the shell of humanness that encases the Na'vi and their culture opens the door to mindsets like hypersexualization and fetishization and it isn't unreasonable to point out the possibility of that evolving past the movie screen.

And, just so we clear our bases: if nothing in this post applies to you personally, then it isn't about you--plain and simple. I'm not calling out anyone or any fanfics in particular. This post is about general themes and ideas.

ramble over

#avatar #avatar: the way of water #meta #18+ content #not even touching the misogynistic themes that are often extremely prevalent in 'breeding' 'heat cycle' and 'mating ritual' kinks #or how i have experienced first-hand how consuming this sort of content affects how people perceive my Na'vi characters and create their ow #anyway i barely proofread this so dont pick it apart too hard preferably #but im happy to have a chat about any of the ideas presented

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juniperwoodwell · 1 year

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Dedication

Ch. 1|Ch. 2| Ch. 3 |

Kylo Ren x F! Reader

word count:4k

Warning(s):Cursing, use of Y/n.

Summary:As a Captain in the First Order, Y/N has never been one to bring attention to herself unless it was commanding her squadron. What happens when a personal hobby make's her prey to one of the most feared men in the universe?

A/N:I have a taglist now of lmk if you'd like to be added,you can message me or comment down below. Also lmk if you like this '•••••••' divider or if I should just keep it normal.

The loud blaring sound of her alarm clock startled Y/n awake; She sat up in her bed, a groan leaving her lips as she shut off the alarm. "Okay. It's just an hour; You'll be fine," she tried to encourage herself as she got dressed and ready for work. First, she had a small class with the squadron she was teaching, not to be mistaken for her special forces squadron. Usually, she'd go to the cafeteria for breakfast, but she wanted to avoid as much social interaction for as long as possible. So she grabbed a protein bar from the lounge before leaving for the class.

•••••••

When she arrived, Phasma was there, which was strange since she usually stuck to her troopers.

"Um...Captain. How may I help you?" Y/n made herself as professional as possible

"Kylo Ren has tasked me to teach your class and asks that you go to the hangar immediately."

Oh, you have to be kidding me. I do not have time for this. Y/n nodded and left the room, making her way to the hangar; when she arrived, the two engineers she met yesterday came up to her; frightened. That's when the smell of chard, burning metal reached her nose.

"Shit-" She cursed under her breath. "What happened?" She asked.

The tall blonde pointed to one of the terminals; it was a mangled mess of wire and metal. But what she focused on was Kylo Ren's fiery red lightsaber. Clearing her throat, she swallowed her fear and approached him.

"Sir?" Her voice was cautious; she stayed a few feet from him. The sound of his heavy breathing crackled through the voice modulator. His saber switched off, and he turned to her.

"You're late."

"You changed my schedule"

"You should have been advised last night."

"Well. I wasn't, so I apologize if my unknowingly tardiness has messed with your schedule." She sassed

"If I were you, I'd be very careful with how you address me, Capitan." His voice was low, and anger seemed to seep from his figure. Y/n straightened up. What is wrong with me? I know it's early, but am I losing my mind? Clearing her throat, she nodded.

"Yes, Sir. I apologize." She spoke curtly.

He put his saber back on his hip and then spoke, "You have thirty minutes today, so I suggest you start now."

"B-But, Sir. That's not what the-"

"This assignment goes exactly how I say it does. So either you do as you're told or face the consciences."

That threat brought back all the anxiety from the day before. Any bit of her normal self was washed away and replaced by this foreigner called fear.

"Yes, Sir. Right away." She spoke quickly and climbed into the TIE Silencers cockpit.

When she sat in the seat, she realized her feet didn't quite reach the pedals. "Oh. Right. He's a lot bigger than I am. Gotta remember that." She mumbled to herself; when she looked out the windshield, She froze.

He was standing there...Watching her. She expected it to be like a scare tactic, and he'd be off to the side somewhere doing who knows what. "Not creepy at all, Sir," She said under her breath; since the entrance hatch was still open, she didn't know how much he could hear. Unaware of his special abilities.

Once she settled her nerves, she leaned forward in her seat to reach the ship's flight computer; she then took out her datapad from the left side pocket of her uniform and connected it to the flight computer. She was surprised to see that the algorithm was set up almost identically to hers, but of course, the big complicated stuff was different. No...of course, it wouldn't be that easy, but it did make it easier on her.

"Okay, first things first. Gotta prioritize the main components," She spoke to herself as she scrolled through the computer's terminal; she groaned at all the numbers and red lettering. This is going to take forever. Then an idea popped into her head. Well...he never said I couldn't make a copy and then study it later.

Without a second thought, she quickly downloaded a copy of the computer's schematics onto her datapad; she had five minutes left when the download finished;

looking up from the computer, she saw him there, still staring at her.

Judging her every move.

Watching her from under that terrifying mask.

She looked at her watch before she unplugged the tablet, putting it back in its original place before she climbed out of the cockpit.

•••••••

"I'm done, sir," she spoke formally as she approached him. Keeping enough distance. He nodded a silent dismissal.

As she walked passed him, he grabbed her forearm, stopping her in her tracks.

He leaned in close to her ear.

"If I didn't know any better, captain, I would assume you just stole important information from the first order." His voice distorted and low as he spoke.

Y/n swallowed harshly. "Sir. You never said I couldn't study the flight computer information after hours. I don't want to mess anything up,"

Kylo hummed and let go of her arm. "Use that information wisely." he began to walk towards his ship but stopped when Y/n spoke up,

"Why did you change my schedule?" She asked abruptly.

"I have a meeting to attend to off base. You'll go back to your assigned schedule tomorrow," he spoke honestly; the modulator did little to hide the sincerity

"Oh. Uh. well, then, good luck, sir." She turned and left the hangar.

•••••••

"I'm sorry, he did what?" Miya asked as Y/n sat down at their lunch table.

"He changed my schedule and then got pissed off because I was late. Apparently, I got a message in the middle of the night from an informant, but I didn't see it until after I arrived to see the aftermath his temper tantrum." Y/n sighed as she ate.

The three stared at her.

"You can still back out now, right?" Cal asked, but before she could respond, Killian answered for her,

"No. She has a target over her head now. If she tried to back out, she'd not only disappoint her father, but she'd most likely get fired, or worse, Kylo Ren would have a fit and kill her."

Everyone's attention was now on killian; Y/n stared at him in fear. She hadn't even thought about the possibility of disappointing her dad. and Killian was right; if she slipped up, she'd be killed.

Y/n put her head on the table, and Miya placed her hand on her back.

"Lesson learned if you have a hobby that could potentially get you stuck in a situation between life and death. Just let it go. It's not worth it." Y/n mumbled before sitting, "I'm gonna head back to the lounge and do some work. I gotta study this dang ship without the actual ship." she groaned as she stood up.

"But you barely ate anything," Cal spoke, standing up as well.

"I'll eat more at dinner. I promise." She lied with a gentle smile; she wasn't planning on going to dinner. She'd eat a few protein bars and be all set.

This assignment was too important, not only for herself but for her father and his company.

•••••••

While she was retreating to the lounge, she ran into Phasma.

"Hello, Capitan," Y/n gave her a slight nod and a smile.

"You're alive." She spoke plainly;

Y/n nodded, laughing dryly, "Just barely. I know it was an order, but thank you anyway for teaching my class."

Phasma nodded, "Of course."

Their conversation ended as they parted ways.

•••••••

"Y/n."

The low voice of Major Elrik startled Y/n when she entered the lounge.

"Y-Yes, Sir,"

"My office, Now."

Oh shit. She nodded and followed him into his office.

"You are beginning to make me worried. I got word that you were late to your new assignment, which in turn caused Kylo Ren to have a tantrum, destroying one of the terminals."

"T-That wasn't my fault, Sir."

"Oh?"

"Kylo Ren changed my schedule in the middle of the night, and I didn't see the message until it was too late." Her voice started confident but slowly deflated, and so did her demeanor.

Elrik sighed.

"The first order enjoys leaving out any information that could hurt their reputation." Elrik sat down at his desk and motioned for her to sit. "Kylo Ren has gone to the supremacy to meet with Supreme Leader Snoke, and he wanted me to inform you that he will not be back until late after your scheduled time when he returns; you will do your one hour then." Y/n nodded,

"Are you doing alright?" he asked; Y/n looked up from her lap.

"Yes, Sir. I'm doing just fine." She gave him a half-hearted smile.

"I know this assignment is a lot more than you signed up for, and I also know how you can get when you're overwhelmed. It's not a secret that Kylo Ren causes you to become anxious. If I knew he would do this, I would have said something. But I believe that you can complete this assignment without fail."

"At least someone does." she sighed,

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I-...I just think he and everyone else believes I'll fail. The man is sadistic; I think he got bored and is now using me as a play toy." she joked dryly

"You think far too much, Y/n."

"I know, Sir. May I be dismissed? I have a lot to study" The major nodded, and Y/n stood up from her seat, Heading to her room.

•••••••

She sat down at her small desk and opened up her datapad; as she looked over the first page, she unbuttoned her work shirt, leaving her in a black short-sleeved undershirt and her work pants, rolling her shoulders; She began to focus intently on the plans and coding in front of her, taking notes on her personal tablet.

•••••••

Four hours of studying passed by when a knock on the door interrupted her,

"Yes? Come in," She spoke, pulling away from the desk to stretch; Cal poked his head into the room.

"Hey. How's it going?"

Y/n groaned.

"That bad, huh?"

She nodded and stood up from her chair,

"It's just a lot of words and numbers that I haven't studied in a few years; It's a good refresher, though."

Cal nodded and sat down on the edge of Y/n's bed

"You know it's almost time for dinner, right? You promised to eat."

Y/n sighed. "I know, Cal. But this is too important, and I have a full day tomorrow, with three flight training, a meeting with Hux, then another meeting with some higher-ups about flight strategies. I have to study this as much as I can. Missing a few meals isn't going to hurt." She sat back down in her seat, turning her tablet back on.

"Don't neglect your needs because some asshole decided you need to prove yourself to him." Cal stood up, frustration lingering in his voice.

"Cal." She warned,

"Don't. 'Cal' me, Y/n Seinar. You are amazing a what you do; everyone knows that. Your name is important to so many people, and the resistance shivers when they hear your call sign. This prick is toying with you, and you shouldn't stand for it. He's bringing you down to nothing. You are usually so strong and glowing with confidence, and he's made you anxious and scared. He has no right to do that-"

"Callisto. Shut up." Y/n forcefully stood from her seat; her face was red with anger and annoyance. Not because of Cal but because she knew he was right.

"Get out."

"Y-Y/n, I-I"

"Out. Now."

Callisto sighed and left the room.

When the door closed, a quiet whimper left her lips

Why is this happening? I know it's his ship, but couldn't he have just left me alone for the week? He knows my reputation and all that I've done for the first order. What was his plan here? To knock me down a peg? No. This was a challenge. A game. Well...I suppose two can play. She sat on her bed and thought for a while.

If Kylo wasn't going to return late into the night, that meant she'd have plenty of time to take notes and possibly make copies of the information she already had. Sure, in the academy, this would count as cheating, but we're no longer there now, are we?

Nodding to herself, she stood up from the bed and fixed her shirt, then walked out to the lounge.

"Dinner, anyone?" She asked; Miya, Killian, and Callisto turned their heads to her.

Capitan Y/n Seinar was back. For now, at least.

She had nothing to fear as long as he was gone, right?

•••••••

"Geez, does this stuff ever get better?" She asked rhetorically as she ate, Cal chuckled,

Miya shook her head. "Why would it? The first Order spends their money on more equipment and ships than on any decent food."

"Wonder if the higher-ranking officers get better food than this?"

"Wouldn't that mean Y/n would be getting better food?" Kil asks, responding to Cal's question.

Y/n put her head down as the three looked at her, pretending to be occupied with her mush.

"Y/n?" Miya nudges her side; Y/n groaned and looked up at them

"...Yes. Cal's right. Starting at Capitan, the food gets served to your quarters or to the higher ups mess hall. It's of better quality than anything served here."

"Then why aren't you eating that food?" Miya asked,

"Because...I asked them not to send me any." She says plainly.

"Why?"

"Because I didn't want to eat alone, Alright?" The table erupted in laughter, no one caring if they disturbed anyone.

"Aww, that is so sweet!" Cal teased, and Y/n shot him a glare; he put his hands up in defense and chuckled.

"I just knew you guys would be completely lost without me here. That's the real reason," she tried to play it off.

"Mhm, Sure it is," Miya poked y/n's side playfully.

Then slowly, the group grew silent as they all ate, small conversations here and there but none of any importance.

•••••••

As Y/n was walking out of the cafeteria, Killian gently grabbed her by the elbow and pulled her to the side

"Killian- What're you"

"Shush. Just listen. I didn't want to say this with the others around, but you need to hear it. Kylo Ren is on the supremacy right now. He didn't take his silencer." Y/n's eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

"Then why-"

"I'm not sure, but if you want to study it physically, you should go now. I'll spot you in case someone were to notice. I know the engineers will be ending their shifts soon. Don't you have to meet with the Chief, Kesta?"

"Yeah, I can do that now, actually, and by the time I'm finished, the engineers would be changing shifts. We can meet up at the lounge and go from there." Killian nodded,

"Alright, send me a message when you're on your way."

"Okay. Oh, and thank you, Killian. This will be very helpful."

"I know," he chuckled, "I prefer you getting in slight trouble than getting killed."

Miya rushed over to them and grabbed Killian's arm.

"Hey. We had a deal. No more scheming with Y/n. That almost got all four of us fired."

"We're not scheming, Miya. I was just discussing something with her."

"About?"

"What? Are you my wife or something?" Miya looked at him, shocked, and held up her left hand.

"Actually. Yeah, I will be." The thin ring glittered in the harsh hallway light. Miya and Kilian had gotten engaged years before they joined the first order.

They made a promise that once the resistance was defeated, they'd leave and get married, buy a house on some distant planet and live happily ever after. Or at least that's how Miya said it one night when they all had a few too many drinks.

Y/n snorted out a laugh as she began to walk away.

"Hey, No, get back here, Y/n."

"Nope, Sorry, Kil. You dug that grave, so lay in it."

"Where are you going?" Cal asks as he walked over to the other two.

"Got a meeting. I'll see you guys later" Y/n waved goodbye.

��••••••

"Ah, Capitan. It's nice to see you again." Kesta's motherly voice welcomed y/n into the room. She was glad to see Kylo was nowhere to be seen.

"I hope you're aware that today I only had half an hour to look over the ship, and I got too preoccupied to write out a report. I will write one out tonight and send it to you in the morning."

"That won't be necessary."

"And why not?" Y/n asked with a raised brow.

"Kylo Ren already sent in a report before he left." Y/n's eyes grew wide.

Did he realize I didn't do a report? Why would he write out a report for something he didn't do? Did he write out that I practically stole a copy of the computer's hard drive information?

That last thought chilled her to the bone; if anyone found out about that, she'd certainly get suspended. She swallowed harshly.

Even if he was away, he still managed to make her anxious. Prick.

"Just give me a quick review of everything you went over today then you may go."

The conversation lasted maybe fifteen minutes.

•••••••

Y/n sent Killian a message that she was done, walking down the hallway. Killian was standing outside the door to the lounge.

"You ready to go?" He asked as she walked up to him; she nodded calmly but practically jumped out of her skin when Miya showed up behind Killian.

"Go where?" She asked, her arms crossed over her full chest. Killian groaned and turned around.

"It's none of your business Mai. I just need Y/n to do a favor for me." That wasn't too far from the truth, although he was technically doing a favor for her.

"It is definitely my business if my fiancé and best friend are going off somewhere together, alone."

"I didn't think you were the jealous type. Miya. But I assure you it's not what you think." Y/n teased as she tried to reason, but Miya put her hand up.

"It's exactly what I think it is. You two are going to Kylo Ren's ship so Y/n can study it after hours"

"How'd you-"

"Because Cal and I were thinking the same thing. We went by the Hangar earlier today and saw his ship was still there even though he already left." Miya sighed. "It's suspicious, Y/n. What if he's expecting you to go there? I mean, they were very adamant that you only have access to it for an hour and that you are under no circumstance allowed to board that ship without permission or outside the designated timeframe." Y/n sighed, knowing Miya was right.

But this was a special circumstance.

"Miya. I have to. I need as much experience with that thing as much as possible; I don't have time for rules. Kylo will literally kill me if I don't get this thing right. The least Hux or anyone else can do is fire me. I prefer my life over my job, even if I love it." Miya sighed and opened the door to the lounge, calling out to Cal.

He looked at everyone and rolled his eyes.

"We're doing something stupid again, aren't we?"

"Yeah."

"Yep."

"Pretty much."

He pursed his lips and sighed. "Alright. Let's go."

•••••••

"Okay. This is a really dumb idea. Do you seriously need this overtime?" Cal asked.

"Oh, don't be a wimp. Come on." Y/n sassed as they entered the hangar. She made a beeline for the Silencer. "You guys, keep an eye out. I'll try to be only an hour." They all nodded and then watched as she climbed into the cockpit.

She was surprised to see that she was still allowed access to the flight computer.

Maybe he just didn't feel like changing it.

"Ok. Flight controls...Programmed the same way as mine. Easy to remember. Targeting...not so easy, so let's start there."

•••••••

The hour flew by quickly; Y/n looked out the transparasteel windshield to see her friends talking quietly, not too far from the ship. To anyone, it just looked like pilots talking about work-related stuff.

Her mind drifted to her conversation earlier with Kylo

"If I didn't know any better, captain, I would assume you just stole important information from the first order."

"Sir. You never said I couldn't study the flight computer information after hours. I don't want to mess anything up"

"Use that information wisely."

"Why did you change my schedule?"

"I have a meeting to attend to off base. You'll go back to your assigned schedule tomorrow."

"Oh. Uh. Well then, good luck, sir."

She groaned; rolling her eyes. Gook luck? Seriously? And what was up with that whole 'If I didn't know better' shit?

She sighed; the words "Use that information wisely" echoed in her mind as she climbed out of the cockpit.

•••••••

"Alright, I'm done; I made a good handful of notes for the difficult stuff. Of course, I'll need to spend more time tomorrow. But I have enough to get the majority of it studied tonight." Y/n spoke as she walked up to the group. They all nodded and then headed back to the lounge with no complications. Thank the Maker.

•••••••

Y/n collapsed onto the couch; exhaustedly, she sighed, "Thank you, guys."

"Of course."

"What're friends for."

"Trespassing, apparently," Everyone laughed quietly, not wanting to disturb any of their other squad mates.

Y/n closed her eyes as she leaned back on the couch; a few minutes of sleep won't hurt...right?

•••••••

Yes. Yes, it does hurt.

Her alarm rudely blared; she was in her bed. When did she get there? Did someone move her here? "Shit!" she cursed as she jumped out of bed, smacking her alarm off, still in her clothes from yesterday.

"Why the hell did you guys let me sleep?" She asked, storming into the lounge.

"We tried waking you up, but you were dead asleep. Cal moved you to your room. You needed it anyways." Killian said from the couch.

"No. I needed to study my notes. Now I barely have any time to do anything off schedule."

"Speaking of schedule. Don't you have flight training in about twenty minutes?" He asked. Y/n looked at the clock and cursed again.

"Yeah, Thanks for reminding me." She turned around and walked back into her room, quickly changing into her fight suit. The armor would be unnecessary today since she was just showing basic maneuvers.

•••••••

The cold air slammed against her skin as she walked out onto the tarmac where her squadron was positioned for the day. "Now, listen up. We have a lot of work to do today. I don't want any distractions, and I want you all focused on the tasks at hand. We'll be learning basic maneuvers with the TIE/fo space superiority fighter, just known as the First Order Tie Fighter. You already know how to fly, but you don't know your offense and defense yet, and that's what I plan on teaching you today."

Her squadron was small, but with her teaching, they'd most likely become some of the best TIE fighters in their generation. Most of these fighters couldn't have been more than fourteen or sixteen. Y/n cared for them like family even if she wasn't supposed to, Y/n was kind, and she wasn't afraid to show it. Especially to children.

"Captian." A boy with platinum blonde hair with almond eyes walked up to Y/n. This was Dante. He was recruited into the first order and was also the oldest in the group, eighteen. Y/n hummed as she looked over her datapad,

"Ma'am, General Hux wanted me to inform you that your meeting with him is canceled."

"Really?" she asked while scrolling through her tablet; there it was, a notification that the meeting was canceled.

"Well, Good...I have some free time today." She mumbled to herself

"Ma'am?" Dante asked; Y/n shook her head and offered him a smile.

"Why aren't you in your flight suit?"

"I'm getting it resized. I had a growth spurt recently." Ooh. I knew something was different,

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You were busy with your new assignment, and I don't have a datapad as you do." Y/n nodded

"Well, you know you won't be able to fly this class without it, right?" Dante nodded,

"Yes, Ma'am. I know. And I am fully aware of the consequences."

"Consequences? Dante, I've never once punished you or anyone else in this squadron. What consequences?" Y/n was so surprised that she had to take a step back.

She didn't believe in the First Order's scare tactics; She believed that the best way to make good soldiers is to befriend them and give them a reason for fighting. Hux hated that, and Y/n knew it; that's one of the reasons she did it. Just to piss him off.

"You really don't pay attention to your notifications, do you ma'am?" He asked, and Y/n rolled her eyes.

"Well. Dante. I've been a bit busy these last three days, you little punk."

"What is making you so busy that you can't even focus on your normal tasks" Kylo Ren. That's what.

"My new assignment has been a lot more difficult than I said it would be"

"Oh. I heard that you were working on Kylo Ren's TIE Silencer"

"Your brother needs to learn to keep his mouth shut."

"So it's true then?"

"Dante, you know I can't discuss this stuff with you." The boy sighed.

"Then why can Killi tell me all this stuff?"

"Because Killian is your brother. I am your squad leader. You see the difference, don't you?" Dante nodded

"Yes, Ma'am"

Now about those consequences, going through her notifications, she saw another addressed from Hux.

"What the fuck?" The message was an order for Y/n to start using proper First Order disciplinary actions. "Oh, that coward. He canceled the meeting because he knew that this would piss me off." Y/n looked at Dante, "You will not be punished, Dante."

This will not stand. I was given this squadron to test a new way of making loyal soldiers; he has no right to do this.

•••••••

After the training, Y/n went to where Phasma taught her squadron

"Capitan Seinar. What a pleasure it is to see you," Phasma spat sarcastically, not very fond of having her training interrupted.

"Did you know of Hux's decision to have me enforce proper disciplinary actions with my squadron?"

"No, I wasn't aware. But I have told you to enforce some discipline" Y/n rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest

"So you're saying it's my fault?"

"Of course it is. You thought you could get away with just being nice. This is the first order Y/n. Kindness doesn't exist here."

"I know. You're right, but we both know Hux's way is insufficient. My way is working; they have loyalty stronger than any other squadron on this base.

"Why don't you go talk to Hux then?" Y/n looked at Phasma as though she'd grown a second head

"Are you crazy?"

"I mean, the only way for this to be solved is by confronting him on the matter; I mean, you were given that opportunity by the supreme leader. Unless the enforcement is ordered by the supreme leader, then Hux has no power over how you teach and lead your squadron."

she's got a point, but confrontation isn't my strong suit.

"Yeah...I think about it. Thank you, sorry to disturb your training."

With those parting words, she left the area, and confidently walked to the command center but stopped in Infront of the door.

Hux didn't intimidate her as Kylo did, but he was still a high-ranking officer, so she had to play her cards right.

"...Nope." Sighing, she turned around and walked back the way she came. Coward. "Shit. I wasted that hour..." She mumbled to herself.

•••••••

The rest of the day went by with barely any complications; Y/n missed lunch and was on the way to the cafeteria for dinner when a trooper called out to her

"Capitan Seinar, Kylo Ren has returned and requests you meet him in the hangar." She looked at the trooper and sighed

"Now?" she asked; the trooper nodded

"Alright. Thank you," she grumbled as she turned away from her earlier destination, Great. Now I've got to deal with him.

•••••••

"Sir. I apologize if I'm late."

She addressed the looming figure as he stood in Infront of his ship, his back to her.

"You're right on time."

Tag list:

@kylowritten

@capitanostella

#writing #writers on tumblr #fanfic #reader insert #kylo ren x reader #kylo ren x f! reader #kylo x reader #kylo ren x you #kylo ren #ben solo #star wars fanfiction #star wars

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csprslvt · 8 months

Text

you and i, and her pt.10

Chapter 9

Summary: You come to kidnapped Ellie's rescue. Feeling conflicted with the task of murdering people you once saw every day. Your attempt to move on from Abby was a fight but your love for Ellie grows every day as Ellie is realizing how possessive she can really be.

Warnings: Violence, murder, self-hate, Ellie is a little toxic, Ellie wants you to herself and will do anything to get it. Past toxic relationship, please be aware of the changes made for plot :) See notes for some announcements at the end of the chapter!

Now, you were in a real sticky situation. The WLF knew you, you were Abby Anderson’s girl. Always together, always hanging off her arm. You had to get to Ellie and make sure no one recognized you. And so there you were, sneaking up behind people that were once your colleagues and suffocating them until they turned blue, passing by as if you had never known each other. The fact that the WLF thought you were dead also helped. They didn't know to be afraid.

First you had betrayed Ellie, now here you stood on top of a glass skylight killing every last one of the guards to creep your way into the room Ellie was being held hostage in.

All for her ,who you were sure wouldn't want you when she found out your past.

You made your way into the building, still unnoticed by some miracle. You really wished you had something to cover your face just to be more discreet. It was strange, you were less worried about dying and more concerned about how awful it would be if someone else exposed you to Ellie. However the thought of lying to her again filled you with immense pain and guilt. You could hear faint talking when coming closer to a door,

“ Y’Know that smuggler we killed out in Jackson?”

“Yeah?”

“This girl was there.”

Ellie was there.

“What?”

“They're coming after us.”

You silently walked into the room, crouching behind a table. The men were too into their conversation to notice you when you got closer to them, a pistol in your hand.

“Thats why Nick was fucked up like that”

Ellie had noticed you walked in but controlled herself to show no reaction, she struggles against the restraints.

Oh whatever Nick was a cunt anyways

“We gotta get her to Isaac, and we gotta tell him exactly what's going on” “Yea, well I just got off the radio with Isaac. And we got a new mandate”

Fucking Isaac, you never liked Isaac either. You never liked anyone but Abby. Maybe you never really belonged with them in the first place.

One of the men held up a gun, you acted on impulse and stood up from under the table, shooting them both without hesitation. They didn't have time to react, their bodies simply falling to the floor with a heavy bang sounding. The scent of gun power and metallic blood engorged your nose.

There wasn't much time until others came to see what was going on despite wiping most of them out. Ellie looked up at you,

“Y/n” She breathed out, “You came for me.”

“Course I did.” You told her as if it was the simplest thing in the world. Quickly, you unbound her and ran to find cover when you heard a voice speak

“Shots fired!”

The glass shattered,you were being ambushed by WLF soldiers but all you could think was

“Please don't recognize me, please don't say my name”

“Ill cover you, you go around” You demanded, Ellie listened and moved around to the doorway shooting two soldiers in the way. Running out of the room, adrenaline coursed inside your nervous system so many things were at risk but there was only one thing you cared about.

“Lets go!”

“How many guys did you see?” Ellie asked you

“Enough but I took care of most if not all of them.” Ellie gave a surprised look, “No time to explain let's just go” You muttered in response.

There were a few stragglers, some infected in the rooms around you but when you killed them you felt absolutely nothing. Remorse had faded away years ago and you were left with one goal; to protect Ellie. Maybe that would clear your conscience of all your sins. Outside, the grass was tall and easy to hide in. This was useful considering the gun shots had alarmed WLF from the distance to come and clear whatever threat there was.

Ellie was just as much a ruthless killer as you were, if not more. It was strange how loving she could be versus how cold blooded she was under the threat of danger. It made sense but you still wondered how that switch flipped so easily. Making it through the thick grass you stole some supplies. Abby would be pissed, but she was the one to blame for letting you drift away so easily.

More soldiers had come and at this point they were more of an annoyance than a threat to you. Eliminating them was child's play. Once safe in an apartment covered with growing earth you paused. Ellie looked at you,

“You came for me” the emotion in her eyes was telling, had she thought you'd abandon her?

“I was never going to leave you there Els” She came closer, holding your face in her rough hands and you placed your own on top of hers. Holding them there.

“Wherever you go, I go.” You said firmly, “And if that means almost getting killed to save you, it's worth it”

Ellie didn't know what to say, what she really wanted to do was reach over to kiss you, she was so close to you. She was so willing to step a little closer and close the distance between your lips. She decided that she wanted you, and would do anything to have you be hers. But you pulled away and Ellie hid the disappointment in her eyes.

Still though you held her hands, walking away from this mess. Walking away from Abby entirely.

The next stop, according to Ellie, was a TV station she had heard her captors talking about. The city line was visible from a distance, so you headed towards it. Occasionally stopping to raid for supplies in motels and shops. You walked fast though wanting to leave as soon as possible. Being in Seattle felt exposing, it brought back memories of the one person you wanted to forget. Loving Abby went against all logic. It was the one thing you struggled the most to shake. You wanted to hate her more, to regret all the time you'd spent in her arms but that was hard. She was still your first love. You could never regret those moments with her, the touches and stolen kisses. The look in her eyes when you woke up next to her in the morning, the way she smelt of pine after you showered together and the way she spoke when you were alone. You could never regret any of that.

You traveled uphill, with shimmer dead it was taxing. A long journey made even longer. Yet the entire time, Ellie grasped onto your hand the same way she did downtown. Every now and then, she would rub circles into your knuckles. Simply wanting to be closer to you.

“What do we do when this is over?” You suddenly spoke up. You were sure letting Ellie kill Abby would be impossible. But it was nice to fantasize about what your life could be with Ellie.

“I always wanted a farm.”

“A farm?”

“Yes, with sheep, a garden maybe an art studio”

“You like to draw?”

At this question, Ellie grinned

“I love to draw.”

“I bet you are very talented Ellie”

You noticed that Ellie blushed at every small compliment you gave her, a lovely pink rising on her cheeks, showing off her freckles and bright green eyes. She was stunning, why haven't you ever paid attention to her small reactions before? Perhaps you were too entangled with Abby. But you didn't want to think of that right now.

“Thank you… I'll show you my journal sometime there are tons of doodles”

Ellie paused,

“What about you? What's your dream?” “I'd like to be happy.”

Your requests were very simple, but you didn't believe you deserved to be happy at all.

“Are you not now?”

“Its difficult considering where we are, but I'd like to be content, to feel again.”

“To feel again?”

“To love again.”

Ellie’s hands shook a bit, your answer distressed her a little.

“Have you not loved in a long time?” “Not in a way that felt freeing, only in a way that held me down somewhere I didn't truly belong. I want to feel what it's like to love without conditions, to be supported in my choices, to be my own person.” The love you shared with Abby was your very first and it was intense. It was obsessive and took over your life.

“Did your ex not do that?”

“Honestly it's very complicated i'm not sure how I feel about her myself”

Ellies chest tightened. That wasn't what she wanted to hear, she wanted to know that you moved on. She didn't ask anything else after that. She wanted you so badly and the fact that someone from the past could be in her way drove her a little crazy. She knew you, she deserved you, she would treat you with love and kindness. Why didn't you want her the same way? It hurt worse that you were so kind. If you were an asshole she would lose feelings. It was strange, she felt possessive and you weren't hers. She knew she had no right to feel this way, but it pained her deeply to consider the possibility that you might love another.It was an intense pain to not be loved back. She wondered why she was so different when it was you. It was like she yearned for someone she couldn't have. But some way or another, she would have you all to herself. She would eliminate anyone in her way to your heart. And you would fall into her arms right? That's what she wanted.

She missed shimmer suddenly, not because of the walk but without her she couldn't ride with your arms around her waist, your scent engulfing her and your breath on her neck. Feeling you against her calmed her, it took her mind off of murder and onto something productive; being with you. She wanted you by her side regardless. The fact that her revenge plan didn't scare you away was a miracle within itself.

She could only hope you would want her at the end of this.

You wondered the same thing.

Notes: I found my charger! So happy to be having my laptop back, feedback is much appreciated, and I would love your thoughts on how the story should turn out! Thanks for reading! xoxoxo

#abby anderson #ellie x reader #angst #gaming #eventual smut #ellie tlou2 #abby x reader #fem reader #the last of us 2 #ellie williams

21 notes · View notes

rosewould · 2 years

Text

malice; jsc

words; 6.7k

genre; smut, fluff, a hint of angst and humor

warnings; mouth on titty (what do you call this), cunnilingus, penetration, unprotected sex (maybe one day I'll learn), public sex, s-happy ending

preface; Sorry this took me *reads paper* FOURTY WEEKS TO FINISH??? I kinda get discouraged and feel like I won't be able to end it well, so I put it off. However I'm pretty happy with how this turned out. Lemme know your thoughts!

Minjeong's name wasn't on the note, Yeri would never let her participate anyway. So why was she so eager to help? Maybe she heard about it through the grapevine and wanted to try herself. The thought made you uneasy.

"You deserve to be surrounded by people who love and cherish you..."

Does she actually care about you as a person or does she just want to clear her guilty conscience? She is still dating Hyunsuk, after all. Minjeong's proposal causes Sungchan to give you a worried look, but you flash him an assured smile. The last thing you needed was for him to worry about you.

She doesn't try anything throughout your first research session. She was surprisingly easy to work with. The two of you decided to take turns researching and recording the information.

"Google scholar says a lot of people cited this book, but it looks pretty daunting."

"Let me see," Minjeong turns the Chromebook toward her and skims through the pdf. "Ah! This is about the Beauvais Cathedral? I took a tour of the building during a trip to France, I think it's a great example of medieval stained glass. How about I read this book when I get home and take some notes? I think it could be worth our time."

You shrug, a bit intimidated by how thorough she was. "I don't see why not."

Take some notes she said. She damn near wrote another book. She flipped through pages and pages of notes. They weren't messy by any means, organized in a way that made the information easy to consume.

"Woah... I gotta say, you're doing all the work." You say, dazed as you analyze her neat handwriting.

"That's not true, you've been pretty good at finding reliable sources that fit the criteria." Minjeong assures, tilting her head to the side.

"Don't try to make me feel better." You close her notebook, letting her know that it looked great. Maybe this was her way of trying to break through. Your smile falters at her possible ulterior motive.

"Well, in that case, I would appreciate more help. Your notes are pretty good, but I find it difficult to find important details. Maybe you could organize them like mine or condense the information just to what you know we'll use." Minjeong is firm but not cold with her recommendations. All you can do is nod like an idiot. Though it takes you a couple of all-nighters, you take her criticisms. She made sure to balance every criticism with praise that seemed genuine. You couldn't tell if you were just bad at reading people, but you could no longer sense an ulterior motive.

"Here, I know it's getting difficult, but we're doing pretty well for ourselves." She hands you a cup of iced coffee. "The weather's heating up a bit and I know you like mocha lattes." Minjeong says the last bit with less conviction, knowing your past relationship is a sore topic.

"Thanks." You take the drink reluctantly. She didn't seem eager to do the favor and her apprehension didn't seem forced. Perhaps it was too soon, but something was screaming at you that this was okay for now. You told yourself that the first red flag you noticed, you'd build your walls back up just as quickly as you tore them down.

Plus, the coffee was much needed. You didn't have enough disposable income to get coffee every morning, and you also had your sculpture to worry about. The multi-faced design was challenging, but you decided to just go through with it.

"That's a pretty unique idea."

You expect the observation to come from Professor Kwon, but a masculine voice has you whipping your head in the direction of its owner.

"I thought you were Professor Kwon breathing down my neck again. What are you doing here? Not many students use the studio at this hour."

Sungchan presses his lips into a thin line as he walks toward you. "I actually work on my project every day around this time. I just do it in one of the empty rooms. More privacy and whatnot." He takes a closer look at your work and you're seriously getting deja vu.

"Haven't you noticed we go home at the same time most days?"

"I guess that is true." You chew on your thumbnail as his eyes scan your hard work with an emotion you can't read. "If you're gonna say you hate it, just say it already."

"No- it's just... I can't really grasp what you're trying to say." He takes a step back, taking in more of the sculpture.

"Something about welcoming different emotions, even the uncomfortable ones. I dunno, it's stupid-"

"I think it's creative. Everyone else I know is doing something easy and recognizable. Trying to get a good grade and go, which is understandable. But you're using your art as your outlet. Just like a true artist." He props his head up with his fist, eyes moving from your art to you. His words make your cheeks heat up and it annoys you. You roll your eyes at your predictability before focusing on anything else but him.

"Thanks. I think this helped a little bit."

Minjeong and Sungchan weren't even a part of this re-friending plan Yeri and Sana made, but you couldn't help but use it to navigate your relationships with them. Even if it turns out they don't have your best interest in mind, you want to at least give them a chance. Minjeong still being with Hyunsuk made it harder. Every time you saw them walk down the hallway together it made you uncomfortable. What if you and Minjeong become friends again and you have to watch her marry him? Are you supposed to sit there and pretend you don't think he's cancer personified? What if she stays friends with Eunji and you keep butting heads? What if she keeps them around because they're all she has left?

Maybe it was because of this plan thing and you promising to be more upfront with the people in your life, but you felt compelled to ask the question.

"Have you spoken to Minjeong yet?"

Sungchan goes stiff for a moment, brows furrowing. "No, why should I? I think that chapter's just over."

"You can't just rip the last few pages out and call it finishing a chapter."

The annoyance blooming on his beautiful features almost makes you falter, but you stay firm.

"You don't understand." He says dismissively.

"I do though, more than anyone in our friend group."

He knows this very well, but he still turns away from you. When you slide back into his field of vision he inhales deeply.

"I know more than anyone that it'll take a while to restore those pages, let alone finish them, but the time will pass anyway. Why not at least try?"

He still seemed a bit dismissive of your advice, but he started working on his art in the studio with you. Just like with Minjeong, you don't feel any warning signs blaring at you. As time goes by you feel more and more natural with the two of them. Less focused on scoping out ill will.

Though you were busy, you still made time out to pretend you had just met Sana and Yeri.

"You like Hello Kitty? Me too!" Yeri fails to hold in her laugh as she tugs at the charm dangling from your purse. Snorting, you twist your body back and forth to make it wiggle.

"I've loved Hello Kitty since I was a wee lad."

Yeri jumps at the chance to speak in a British accent. "Oi! Now you're talking bruv-"

"Hey! This is a serious exercise! You're supposed to find the root of your bond!" Sana snaps her head towards the two of you before continuing to look for some book in her packed bookshelf.

"She's right. The fact that we share a love for Hello Kitty really makes me happy because I don't meet many people who see her as a comfort character." Yeri switches back to her normal talking voice and punches your shoulder to dull the sappiness.

"That makes me feel good to hear that." You smile, reapplying the sappiness to her chagrin.

"You're really asking for a shiner now bruv." She holds her fists up as the accent comes back with a vengeance.

"Found it!" Sana drops from her tippy toes with a purple book in hand. "Do you remember when you lent me this freshman year?" She hands the book to you.

"Yes! Ah, I remember reading this now." You take the book and look at it fondly.

"I was going through a hard time because my childhood dog died, and you gave this to me. You said it helped you through a hard time. Before I knew it, I was already re-reading it. I didn't want to give it back because of how good it made me feel, but I thought that maybe you needed it to get through your own hard times. When you told me to keep it, it was a moment I'd never forget. I kept it on my coffee table to remind me to keep an optimistic outlook, but honestly, I just kept thinking about how thoughtful you were. It helped even more." The tenderness in Sana's expression made you drop the book and wrap your arms around her. She returns the embrace, squeezing your body until you can't breathe. You don't mind, keeping the hug going.

A ding is what saves you from suffocating to death.

"Oh! The cookies are ready!"

The date of your presentation was approaching rapidly. Your eyes were beyond dry and your blood was half caffeine thanks to Minjeong. You open your front door and she rushes in with two drinks in her hand. You smile gratefully, struggling to keep your eyes open.

"Sorry I'm late! My manager made me stay longer since it got busy. I- god... I'm so-" Minjeong hurriedly sets the drinks on your counter, sending a frustrated hand through her much shorter hair.

"It's fine. It's understandable that you're a bit frazzled. It must be so difficult balancing a job and university."

She stays silent, opting to instead send you a thankful but apologetic look.

"Your hair looks amazing by the way. I think short hair suits you more." You find that the compliment comes naturally, and you feel warmth when she smiles.

"Thank you. Shall we get started?"

Despite the hiccup, everything went smoothly. The two of you achieved a surprising amount of progress in one day. It almost seemed as if she was pushing herself. "Are you okay? We don't need to rush this much."

"Yeah, but I want to get done as soon as possible, you know?" Minjeong laughs nervously. Her new haircut couldn't hide the fact that she wasn't getting much sleep. She knew she must've looked horrible. So much stress on top of not eating or sleeping well was doing her in. He wasn't looking at her like he used to...

"Are you really okay though?" You wanted to explain why you asked, but didn't out of fear of overstepping a boundary and deepening your relationship before you were ready.

Minjeong couldn't ignore how much she liked spending time with you. Even if it was just doing work. What she didn't like was how you could see through her lies. You had been through it before, after all. You were constantly dropping breadcrumbs that you knew Hyunsuk was sucking the life out of her.

"I'm..." She inhales, holding her breath for a moment. "Well, I think you know the answer." She exhales a laugh. "I know I'm not a good person, but you worrying about me still makes me feel good."

You wanted to deny that you were worrying about her, but it'd be especially challenging to do so without looking like a liar. So it was settled. You'd lend her a helping hand. Only because you couldn't stand seeing someone go through what you did. She says checking up on her makes her feel good, so you continue to do that. She brings you coffee and you make her food to ensure she's eating well. You walk and talk with her whenever you can, whether it's to and from class or walking home with her.

Everyone was always telling you how bad Hyunsuk was and that you just needed to break up with him already. It didn't help, it just made you feel more stupid about staying with him. It's inevitable that Minjeong will start to realize how horrible Hyunsuk is, and you know that what she needs is comfort during those painful times.

So you hold her hand as you walk her home, watching as she cried silently. You don't say anything, you just let her know that she's not alone. When you reach her house, the two of you stand there for a while. She cries to herself and continues holding your hand until she felt okay enough to go inside.

"Thank you for last night. I..." She trails off before chuckling, a hint of embarrassment flaring up inside her, "I would've never known how to ask for that."

"Don't even mention it. I know it's hard, but just know that the pain is a part of the healing process. Just like cleaning out a wound."

Minjeong brushes her hair behind her ear with a small smile. "What I said has got to be true."

You look at her questioningly as she shuts her laptop.

"If you could help me, someone who hurt you, imagine what you could do for someone who's been hurt in the same way."

"You guys did a great job on the research. We all did great." Yuto smiles genuinely. You can tell he's just happy you and Minjeong are getting along. You hate to admit that his stupid scheme worked out in the end. It feels better when you tell yourself that fixing you guys' relationship was entirely you and Minjeong's doing. He probably thought it was as simple as just talking to each other, he could keep thinking that way. You knew what went into making up with Minjeong and that's all that matters.

The two of you share a proud glance before looking back at Yuto.

"Now all that's left is to give the presentation. Sungchan, you're up!"

The glance you and Sungchan share is less confident. You ignore the awkwardness and flash him an encouraging smile.

You wave goodbye at Minjeong before slinging your tote over your shoulder. "Are you coming to the studio today?"

"Of course. I still have a lot of work to do, and watching you inspires me to get through it." He says as if the confession was embarrassing. He had no clue what it did to you.

There was no easy way to bring up Minjeong again without making it uncomfortable. You hug your book to your chest as the two of you made your way to the studio.

"What's on your mind?" He asks, raising his eyebrows at you. You chew on your lip as he pushes the doors open for you. Opting to wait a bit, you lie.

"Nothing, just thinking about finals." You situate yourself at your station and he does the same across from you. It was hard to tell if he was being silent because he didn't believe you or because he actually didn't have a response.

"I see you and Minjeong are friends again." He notes as he sets up his station. An opening appears.

"We're getting there. It just feels good to finally work something out that had been weighing on me for the longest." You sneakily peek at him but he catches the look. He sighs disappointedly but you press on. "I promise it'll feel so much better if you just confront the issue instead of running away."

"You can't force me to make up with Minjeong." The aggravation voice makes you flinch. "You know, you're starting to sound like Yuto right now."

You expected him to leave, but he just returned his attention to his art. This was bad, you couldn't end the topic with him comparing you to Yuto. Your tongue darts out to wet your dry lips.

"I wouldn't care if you never made up with her for the rest of your life." Sure of yourself, you stop to turn your body toward him. Your words make his hand pause in the air before dropping. He shoots you a wary look. "Minjeong already accepted the fact that you may never forgive her, but this isn't about Minjeong. You're allowed to feel hurt about something that happened to you. You're the one that helped me understand this." You step closer to him cautiously, praying you're not screwing everything up.

The way he looks away makes you think he knows exactly what you're talking about.

"I know I asked if you spoke to her, but you don't even need to do that. However you choose to navigate your pain, just know I'm here for you." You extend your hand to him, pleading determination in your eyes. He examines your face before regarding your hand. Your heart does backflips when he takes it into his own, mumbling about how he wouldn't promise anything.

After you graduate, you weren't sure if you'd ever see Sungchan again. If you could be of any help in the little time you had left with him in your life, you'd do just that. You made sure to put no pressure on him, focusing on making him comfortable just like you did for Minjeong. You never brought it up first, which meant you went a while without talking about it at all. It was a miracle he even told you about what happened that night, he seems so guarded because of it.

Still, you entered the studio with a smile like you did every other day, asking him how his day went.

"I talked to her." He mumbles, not turning away from his project. You freeze, stumbling over your words.

"That's great Sungchan! What did you say?" You walk up to him, excitement oozing out of your voice no matter how much you tried to contain it.

"It was about the presentation. She wished me luck and I thanked her." His eyes flit toward yours quickly, but not too quick that you didn't notice.

You purse your lips to hide the smile that threatened to show. It was a bit cute how he announced just saying one word to her. Progress was progress, nevertheless.

"I know it's not much."

"It's plenty. Sungchan," You step closer to him. He turns toward you slightly, only putting his carving knife down when your eyes meet. "I'm so happy you're trying." You can feel his jaw clenching when you lay your hand on the side of his face.

"It was weird and awkward." He wanted to ask if it would always be like this but decided it was a stupid question. All he wanted to do was go back to ignoring her and hating her guts. Though he wouldn't admit it aloud just yet, he trusted your advice. So he pushed through.

The day of the presentation finally came. Sungchan and Minjeong were still barely speaking full sentences to each other. He kept pushing, even if he wanted to shrivel up into nothing after every interaction. He wasn't even nervous about the presentation, just about the four drinks in his hands. He sits one on the desk in front of you and you smile up at him. He smiles back. In the back of his mind, he wonders if it's too soon to pat the top of your head. Next is Minjeong, who's sitting in the front alone. He exhales through pursed lips as he makes his way down.

All of the students funneling into the lecture hall hide the fact that Sungchan is approaching until he's right in front of Minjeong. Her eyes are wide as he sets the can down with a huff. "Good luck today." He mumbles before looking away.

"Thank you! This was really sweet." Minjeong's attempt at a sweet tone falters as the uncomfortable air continues to loom over the both of them. No matter how much they try to ignore it, it's like there's a big blinking sign screaming 'Minjeong did something horrible'. She clears her throat.

"This is going to probably be the last time we'll speak so, congratulations on graduating. I hope you lead a fruitful life." Minjeong struggles to keep her expression from souring at the thought of never speaking to him again.

"I doubt it. There's a lot of time before then and now. Anything could happen." Sungchan shrugs. The reassurance was minuscule, but it was enough for hope to fill her chest.

"Right. Anything could happen."

Watching them across the room was heartwarming. It was actually happening. They were talking. The fact that this might be because of you felt fulfilling. You remember the letter stating something about you being significant in other people's lives. It felt far-fetched. Like desperate lies to make you feel good. Now you can see some of the truth in it.

You couldn't wait for Sungchan to walk through the doors of the studio. It was no use hiding your excitement. The longer it took for him to come, the harder it'd be for you to stop yourself from hugging him. There was a moment where you faltered. Sungchan and Minjeong were standing together after the presentation and someone commented on how good they'd look as a couple.

If they decide to reconcile completely and date again, maybe they'd heal their heartache sooner. It's for the best. You had no right to be upset.

Sungchan walks in with his head drooping. When he lifted it slightly, thinking about greeting you but deciding against it, you notice the uneasy look on his face.

"I'm so proud of you!- Wait, what's wrong." You rush up to him, dropping your outstretched arms once you notice. "Today was such a great day, you properly talked to Minjeong and the presentation went well. Don't you feel good about it?" You grab his arms as he looks down at you.

"I do. I feel really good. I talked to her more after her last class, things are progressing really quickly." He looks like he's holding something back. Was he about to tell you that they were dating?

"When she smiled at me, it reminded me of the first time I saw her. I always loved her smile, it could instantly improve my day. In my mind, I imagined her smiling at me after we made up and me falling for her again." He explained quietly, oblivious to the knife he was jamming into your chest. You force a smile, nodding for him to continue. You blink rapidly when his hands caress your neck and face.

"I felt nothing. No, that's not true. I couldn't stop thinking about you." He pressed his forehead against your, noses bumping into each other. There it was again, that intoxicating feeling you got when he was this close. You needed to pull away so you could think. There was a chance Minjeong's feelings for him reignited. "I want to kiss you really bad, and I have for months now." His lips brush against yours and you feel your body temperature rise. "I don't know if it's too soon for me to admit that."

Your eyes flutter closed. How were you feeling? Besides the obvious arousal, you felt a tinge of guilt. The runner-up was a prominent urge to be selfish. Was it wrong? Probably, but you stopped apologizing for your emotions months ago.

"Fuck it, kiss me."

A wave of emotions washed over you as Sungchan's lips crashed into yours. The kiss was different from the first night you had each other. This one was slower and needier. Using every millisecond you were pressed together to savor each other. Hands threading through each other's hair had he walked you toward the nearest table. He swiftly lifts you to sit atop the desk and you hiss as the cool, black material presses against your hot skin. Your lips meld together like hot wax. Every time you hold off on touching him, it makes the next time you do ever more ravenous. He licks your bottom lip, requesting access. You gladly invite his tongue in and get to work massaging yours against his.

His cool hands push your shirt up, disconnecting to pull it over your head. The garment is promptly discarded before his lips are pursuing yours again. His large hands gather the flesh guarded by your bra into a firm squeeze. He swallows your impending moans, the sweet noises pulling noises from his own throat.

When he pulls away, you notice the hint of guilt on his face. That must be the reason he was mopey earlier. It doesn't deter him just like it doesn't deter you. No matter how much you both don't want to hurt Minjeong, all you could focus on was how much you needed each other. Nothing else mattered whenever his soft lips melted against yours.

All your worries slowly faded away with each article of clothing that was plucked from your bodies.

"I want to properly experience your body this time." He breathes against your lips before pressing a kiss to your jaw. His lips were sloppy, almost lazy in the way they trailed down to the valley between your breasts. Leaving wet and loose kisses anywhere skin was exposed. Your bra was the first undergarment to go as his hands slid up your waist, then around to your back. His lips never leave your skin, discarding the bra onto the floor with the rest of the clothes.

The kisses grow more eager as his lips explore your breast. Pressing them to the underside of your breast. Darting his tongue out to skim across the soft skin. Sucking and biting whenever he wanted to hear you moan and whimper. He comes across one of your nipples and happily wraps his lips around it. Through his lashes, he watches you drowsily.

Sungchan being the perfect man wasn't even an observation worth making. It was just a fact that everyone understood as soon as they saw him. Towering over everyone else while looking like he was ripped out of the pages of a manga. A living, breathing angel sticking out like a sore thumb amongst the mere mortals. It was almost annoying.

Having someone this beautiful crouched in front of you with his mouth wrapped around your nipple as he stared into your eyes makes every sensation more palpable. You lay your hands flat on the tabletop, leaning backward to enjoy the view. His hair falls into his face his head twists to stimulate the bud with his tongue. The scene was so captivating that you wanted to paint it and hang it on your wall.

The way he delivers quick flicks to one nipple with his tongue while pinching the other has you kicking your head back. Soft and short whimpers trickle from your lips as your core ignites. Every touch and noise coming from him makes you more desperate to be fucked. God, just thinking about how he drilled into you the last time you had him has you salivating.

"Mm... mouth feels so good... need more," You drawl, running your tongue over your dry lips. His fingers hook underneath your panties. You lift your hips up to aid him. His lips continue their journey down your body until he was kissing and licking at your thighs. Growing closer and closer to where you ached for him. You buck your hips up, hoping he'd get the memo. He notices, but ignores you. Nothing was quite as important to him as watching you whine and scrunch your face up when he teased you. It was too bad he missed out on this last time.

The heat as he got closer to your core drew him in. The closer he got, the more he could smell your arousal. He grabs your knees and spreads your legs. The sight of your glistening folds makes him fully drop to his knees. His lips brush against your vagina, reveling in the way your legs jerk inward, threatening to close around him. The thought of having the pillowy flesh surrounding his head didn't seem half bad.

He continued his tried and true formula, kissing and licking until you were a whining mess. "Please..." You mewl, grabbing a fistful of his hair. His nose nudges against your clit as you push him into you. The friction on the sensitive nub makes your legs snap closed. He hums, vibration sending shockwaves through your body. Your legs clamped around him and your pathetic sounds are enough incentive for him to start giving you what you need. Firm and deliberate licks that finally give you proper pleasure. You thank him quietly and grind into his tongue.

You brush his hair out his face before tightening your grip on the strands again. His eyes roll back at the slight stinging sensation it leaves him with. If you thought his mouth on your breasts was hot, this was just heavenly. Despite how lewd it was, him gazing at you while his tongue flicks your hardened clit, he still looked like an angel. "You're so, so pretty." You mumble, jaw going slack after you speak. He reacts with a salacious moan. His saliva and your arousal drip from your crotch onto the table. You can't see, but you'd imagine his chin was glistening right about now.

Sloppy sounds fill the air, making your cheeks hot. His eager groans and the sound of his wet muscle massaging your clit were deliciously obscene. A few minutes in and you're already lurching against his face, warning about your incoming climax. "S-so close baby. Don't stop." You chant in a hushed voice again and again for him not to stop. He listens, carrying you through your first climax with long firm licks over the entirety of your slit. You shiver, pulling his head off of you before he can overstimulate.

With the release of his hair, he's rising to his feet. The sight of him wiping his mouth off with his forearm halts your breathing. He grips your thighs hard, digging his fingers into them. "You're so perfect." He whispers before pecking the top of your head. He uses his grip to pull you to the very edge of the desk. With a tug over his hips, his boxers fall to the ground. He wraps his arms around your waist and you lean into him. His tip prods at your pussy and you clench your eyes shut.

His cock is hot, turning an angry red from all the blood rushing to it. He wraps his arms tighter around you which makes his head push further into your folds. With a pleading groan, you graze your nails down his back. Moving lower until they meet his ass and you give it a firm push. His dick sinks into your wet, swollen folds. Pushing into your tight entrance and slowly opening you up.

Needy noises fill the room as you desperately cling to one another. He was drowning in your juices. It was hard to hold out with how amazing it felt to slide in and out of your wet, plush walls. "Fuck, you're so wet." He pants between grunts, entranced by the way his cock disappears inside you.

"Only for you."

He looks up at you and you press your tongue against his jaw. Licking a stripe up to his cheek and it drives him wild. He hungrily devours your lips. Tongues lapping against the other and teeth nipping soft lips. The force of his hips slamming against yours makes your legs weak. Sounds of slapping skin filling your ears and making you more turned on.

Grabbing a fist full of your hair, he tugs your head back. You whimper as he takes control of the kiss. His dick drags in and out of your puckered hole. You're milking him for all he's worth and he's fucking you hard into the table. Both getting exactly what you need in that moment. He shoves his hips hard against you, forcing your legs even wider. "Just for me?" He asks, fire in his eyes.

"Only for you." You confirm, wrapping your arms around his neck. He eagerly accepts your lips again. Sucking on your bottom lip harshly. Despite how desperate you were to get each other off last time, he still wasn't this rough. It was hotter than you expected it to be. You arch your back into him, breasts smushed between the two of you. "Give it to me," You plead, moaning helplessly as he thrusts into you with punishing force.

Filthy, intense pursuits to taste each other's mouth fade to tender pecks as you both grow close. He lifts you off the table, squeezing your ass as he fucks you on his cock. "Yes baby, fuck- you feel so good," He groans. Every sound turns whinier as he fucks you deep, "I'm so fucking close." He breaths. His lips brush against the column of your neck.

"Me too," You moan out."

The speed of your hips pushing together has your vision going out. Head falling backward as swears pour from your lips. Your legs wrap around his waist tight, pressing your heels into his hips to push him deeper. The action seemingly pushes Sungchan over the edge as his moans reach a volume you've never heard before. He sinks his teeth into your shoulder, needy noises so sweet as they enter your ears. Hearing him like this has your legs going limp. He holds you tight as you convulse. Your hands clench his brown locks as you clench his dick like a vice. As he pulls out, fluids drip onto the floor of the studio.

"Oh, fuck." You say in reaction to what just transpired and the mess you'd have to clean up.

"So filthy..." He chuckles and you whip your head toward him, cheeks hot. "What? It's the truth."

"Ugh..." You bury your head in the crook of his neck and he continues to laugh. He hugs you tighter as he settles into one of the chairs. The two of you sit there for a moment, enjoying the embrace.

"Now this? This is amazing. You should be proud of yourself." Professor Kwon nods, pleased with your finished sculpture. "Did you finally get it together because of this one?" She points toward the man smirking at you on the other side of the room.

"If anything he was the one distracting me." You say narrowing your eyes at him,

"Mrs. Kwon, that's just not true. Her sculpture wouldn't have a head if it weren't for me." He sighs, shaking his head.

"Do you still want yours?" You raise your sculpting knife and he guards his neck. Professor Kwon looks between the two of you disapprovingly.

"Children, I swear. Good job, ___. I'm seriously impressed." Her pleased tone was dampened by her displeasure with your antics. The compliment was still appreciated.

"Thank you, Professor Kwon."

She loved your piece, so why were you still so nervous to show it off at the festival? If anyone's input was valuable it was her. Still, you wrung your hands together as each person walked up to your piece. "Hey," Sungchan rests his hand on your shoulder. You knew he could tell how stressed you were.

"Don't worry about me, I'm fine." Was a bald-faced lie, but you said it anyway, ignoring the enormous lump in your throat.

"I don't mind worrying about you, though."

You glance up at his light-hearted smile. He looked dashing in his white button-up. He could make anything look like a designer suit. His brown locks hung forward as he looked down at you. You couldn't help but look away.

"Okay," You give in, giggling as he squeezed your side.

He continued to comfort you every day of the festival, pointing out every amazed reaction to your art. Each day you longed for him more, heart clenching at the mere thought of his attentiveness.

The last day arrived, and Yeri approached you with her arms full.

"Woah... do I really need this many?" You pick up one of the many lanyards. They're teal with your school name printed all over the fabric. Clipped to the end was a card with the same heart design from the wax seal.

"I-I know, I wasn't sure how many to make so I just said fuck it." She stammers, worry tugging at her features. "Anyway, you know what to do, right? Just put the lanyard on who you chose for the new friend group." Her eyes dance around the decorations and booths of the festival. You collect all the lanyards from her.

"Why are you so nervous?" You take one and stuff the rest in the pit of your elbow. She blinks rapidly and leans her head down as you raise it toward her. All of her worries melt away as the fabric settles around her neck.

"I don't know... I just thought maybe I wasn't taking it seriously enough-"

"Leave the sappy stuff to Sana. You making me laugh is more than enough." You pat her shoulder. She makes a frustrated noise.

"I know you just said to leave it to Sana but I'm gonna hug you now." She engulfs you in a soft hug, resting her chin on your shoulder. "Thank you." She says next to your ear.

Next you found Sana, immediately lowering the lanyard over her head as well. You hand her another one. "Give this to Moonbin if you see him." You smile as she pulls you into a famous Sana hug. One where your bones can be heard cracking from a mile away. To your surprise, you ended up handing out eight. But you still weren't done. You stuff the rest of the lanyards in your bag with two clenched in your fist.

You wander through the festival, watching as the sun sets. When you see Minjeong sitting alone in front of one of the food stalls you approach her. She looked sad, forcing a smile when she noticed you approaching. Her eyes land on the lanyards in your hand.

"It's this thing me and the girls are doing."

"Yeah, I know. Sana told me a while back." She nods with a hefty exhale.

"Really? Why didn't you say anything?"

"I appreciate her worrying about me, but I don't really think I have the right to fight for you to forgive me. Besides, I already put you through enough, making you help me with Hyunsuk..." She picks at her food, her smile fading. The feeling of fabric dropping on her shoulder makes her jump. When she looks up she's met with your warm smile.

"Working with you on the group project made me realize that we can both benefit from being in each other's lives."

Minjeong chuckles, wiping away a tear that slips from her eyes.

"And you have to worry about annoying me or anything. I'm ready to stick with you for as long as you need to get over Hyunsuk."

"Oh, you don't have to worry about that anymore." She laughs bitterly. You give her a puzzled look and she continues. "He was giving a tour to upcoming freshmen and met Sullyoon. According to Yuto, he referred to her as a fairy come to life. Even after he broke up with me, they still stuck by his side." Minjeong rested her face in her hands. "I don't know why I'm venting about this to you. I bet you're thinking I got a taste of my own medicine."

"Not at all. I'm just excited to introduce you to the new friend group." You grab the card strapped to the lanyard. "Here's to starting over." You flash her a smile that she reciprocates.

There was just one more person left. He was exactly where you knew he'd be, inside the building where the sculptures are on display. Excitement graces his perfect features when he sees you. "I was waiting for you." He waits until you're close enough to drape his arms over your shoulder.

"Really? Why?" You quirk your head to the side.

"To do this..." He lowers his face closer to yours, lips brushing over yours before they meld together. When he pulls away, you take the opportunity to squeeze your arms between the two of you and swing the lanyard over his head. Bewildered, he steps away and looks at the card hanging from his neck. "What's this?" He chuckles as he examines the heart.

You watch him, no sign of troubles weighing him down. Carefree as he smiles at you. It felt good knowing that you had a hand in it, even if it was the tiniest impact. You knew there'd be more hardships to come, but they didn't seem so daunting anymore. Not while you had each other. It motivated you to protect your own well-being so you could efficiently protect the poeple you care about.

"A promise."

thank you so much for reading! requests for follow up blurbs for this story are open~

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