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spidernerdsblog · 3 years

Note

Can I request reader going to meet mob! tom's friends and when tom gets there, everyone tells him about the hot girl who just walked in and how they wanna fuck her tonight and when he tells them it's his gf they are like 😳 oh and you know tom being the most fearless mobster has trouble controlling his rage and maybe both y/n and tom have some jealous sex. pls I hope this doesn't trigger you and only write this if you want to and stay safe

I literally listened to where you belong by the weeknd while writing this the whole time lol. Hope you like this.

Pairing : Mob! Tom Holland x Reader

Warnings : 18 +, SMUT, mature content, dom/sub dynamics, light bondage, language, breeding kink, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it)

Where you belong

It was like any other night where Tom had to attend one of those lavish parties thrown by the biggest crime families in the country after all he's the mob boss but this time it was little different as you were going to join him tonight. After dating for six months Tom finally thought to introduce you to his underworld friends. Tom was dressed as usual in his business clothes which was a nice ensemble from Prada looking dashingly handsome as always. On the other hand you chose to wear the skin tight dress which Tom liked the most according to him it brings out the best of you.

Reaching the venue you stepped out of the car as Tom hands the valet the car keys to park his car. Just when you were about to go inside together Tom remembers that he had an important phone call to make.

"Love, you go inside I'll be right behind you" He says to you.

"Okay come fast" you give a smile.

"Yeah I will" after making the call Tom goes inside the hall to find you when he heard some of his friends call out to him.

‘‘Hey Tom!’’ He momentarily forgot about you and made his way towards them.

"So what's up boys?" He pats Michael’s shoulder taking a drink from the ushers.

"Tom, mate, you have no idea what you just missed’’ he informs all excitedly.

‘‘Oh really? What was it?’’ he asked, amused.

‘‘Ask who was it, she was a fucking bombshell man, who just walked right through that door!"

"You should have looked at her ass mate god I just want to fuck her so bad" Charles added.

"Keep dreaming you suckers because Roy is already at it, look over there" Liam chuckles pointing out to them. Tom followed their gaze and his jaw clenched as soon as he saw you, smiling and talking to one of his friends, he inhaled sharply in anger at the fact that all this time his friends were just talking about fucking you in front of him.

‘‘Damn Roy is gonna get lucky tonight just look at those tits’’ Michael remarks as everyone chuckles except Tom who was fuming with rage.

‘‘You say another fucking word about her and I’m gonna cut that filthy tongue of yours!’’ He spat at him.

‘‘Woah man, relax. What got you so riled up?’’ Tom turned to them with a death glare.

"Listen you morons I want to make this loud and clear, she’s my girl’’ everyone’s eyes went wide in shock as they gulped hard in fear because the last thing anyone would want is to piss off Tom ‘‘and if anyone of you even dare to have improper thoughts about her I’m gonna put a fucking bullet in your heads! Do you fucking get that?!’’ He growled as everyone hung their heads low in fear agreeing to him. He then strides his way towards you.

‘‘So all by yourself?’’ Roy asks with suave in his voice.

‘‘Oh no, I’m with my boyfriend, Tom Holland you might know him’’

‘‘You- you are Holland’s girl?’’ He stutters in fear knowing that he is good as dead if Tom comes to know that he was trying to bed his girl.

‘‘Yeah’’ you tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear smiling.

"Hey darling" you felt a familiar pair of hands wrap around your waist possessively.

"There he is!" you chirped as Tom knelt down to plant a soft kiss on your cheek.

"Where were you?" you pouted.

"Sorry darling was just catching up with some friends"

"Hey Tom" Roy says awkwardly trying to act friendly

"Hey Roy" Tom gives him a hard glare and turns to you.

"I think it's time for us to leave" He says pressing his lips in a thin line.

"But Tom we just arrived won't you have a couple of drinks" you frowned at the sudden change of plans.

"I think I actually had enough darling, let's go now" He says sternly, you noticed his hard gaze and stopped yourself from questioning him further.

"Okay" He literally dragged you out of the place to the parking area. You got inside the car and sat on the passenger seat as Tom sat on the driver's seat slamming the door shut with such force that startled you.

The whole ride back was completely silent; you occasionally saw him gripping on the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles turned white. You knew your boyfriend as the most feared mob boss who was also known for his short temper. And by the look on his face he seemed angry for some reason which you are unable to figure out. Surprisingly his angry demeanor was turning you on, you shifted on your seat uncomfortably as you felt heat pool between your legs which didn't go unnoticed by Tom.

Tom didn't want the night to end like this but here he was furious and raging from inside. He was very well aware of his anger management issues and since the day you walked into his life he has tried to be the better man for you including keeping his anger in check because he would do anything for you. He was never the kind of man to be triggered with such petty things but when it comes to you he just can't control himself he couldn't get over the thought of his friends were literally eye fucking you in front him. It wasn't your fault though you were no doubt beautiful and he feels extremely lucky that he gets to call you his. But seeing you talking and laughing with Roy just lighted up his fuse. He knew you were just being nice to him but when he knows what Roy's actual intentions were with you just makes him see red.

He just wants to be reassured again that you belonged to him and only him which he is going to make sure tonight. And seeing you getting all fidgety he knew that you were soaking with arousal making him smirk internally at the effect he has on you.

You finally reached the driveway of your mansion as Tom pulled over the car. You couldn't take the silence anymore and finally spoke up.

"Tom are you OK?" your voice was full of concern reaching out a hand to his forehead "You are sweating" He grabs your hand with a death grip making you swallow hard as your gaze shifted to his brown orbs which were now swirling with rage and pure lust, yes he was angry and you know exactly what is going to happen next you found yourself getting even more wet just at the thought of it.

"Bedroom. Strip and wait for me" his voice sharp and dominating. You nodded and let out a small "Yes"

"Yes what?" He demands.

"Yes sir" you say submissively, the corner of his lips curl up to a smirk as he brushes your cheekbone with his knuckles gently.

"Good girl"

You got out of the car and immediately went to your bedroom. Without wasting any time you did just as you were told, taking off your dress, you sat on the bed on your knees in just your lace panties with palms laying flat on your thighs as you waited for him in anticipation. Every passing minute felt like an hour as you felt your nipples harden in the cool air and arousal pool between your legs, you rubbed your thighs to get some relief from the growing ache.

He finally arrives after some agonizing moments later the tux he was wearing already discarded and some of the buttons of his shirt unbuttoned giving a nice peak to the solid abs underneath.

"Such a good girl, aren't you princess?" he cooes as he walks in and sits in front of you.

"Only for you Tommy" you say sweetly. He knelt down and grabbed your jaw roughly to capture your lips hungrily his tongue prys open your mouth exploring your mouth. He gently sucks on your bottom lip tugging it lightly before pulling away you look at him through your lashes gasping. He brushes his thumb against your swollen bottom lip which you eagerly wrapped your lips onto, sucking and swirling your tongue around it as you hold onto his arm.

"Now don't be so greedy" he purrs as you release his thumb with a pop.

"Give me your hands" He demands as you reluctantly extend your hands to him. Tom knows how you hate your hands being tied up with how much you love to run your hands through his hair and hold him close to you making you feel safe in his arms but today he had to establish that you were only his, he takes out his tie that was stuffed in his back pocket and ties up your hands with intricate knots.

"Is this OK?" he asks tugging on it.

"Yes" you affirm, he pushes you onto the bed as you fall back on the soft mattress with him hovering over you as he unbuttons the rest of the buttons of his shirt and takes it off in a swift move.

"So beautiful and just for me" he says with hooded eyes while his hands trailed down your inner thigh as the coolness of the gold rings on his finger sent shivers right up your core. He pinned your tied hands above your head when you tried to raise them.

‘‘Uh uh princess I thought you were my good girl’’ He patronizes

‘‘I am’’ you whimper in his strong hold.

‘‘Then behave if you don’t want me to leave you like this’’ he says kissing down your throat. You let out a gasp when you felt his warm mouth latch on to your hardened nipple. He smirked and continued sucking, teeth grazing on your soft mounds making you moan.

"How dare those bastards look at what is mine?!" he growls in between littering your skin with wet kisses and marking you.

You were so helpless and completely at his mercy. Writhing under him and craving him so badly, snaking a hand inside your soaked panties, "so fucking wet" he observed as he spread your slick around your folds, pulling a desperate whimper from you. He brings his fingers to his mouth.

"Tastes so sweet every time angel" he hums sucking them clean. He then trailed kisses down your stomach, on your navel, before he found home between your legs as he hooks his fingers to the waistband of your panties and simply rips it off you. He stared at your bare, glistening pussy hungrily as if you were his last meal. He dives down right into it sloppily licking through your folds making you arch your back but he holds you down placing a hand on your stomach as he continues his assault.

You felt dizzy, your brain barely able to comprehend your surroundings. The only sensation you felt was Tom and his calloused fingers which he expertly worked up your dripping cunt and threw you over the edge. When he pushed three of his fingers inside you, you felt delirious and came all around his fingers.

Tom quickly gets rid of the rest of his clothes and holds himself above you resting his forearm on the side of your head one hand reaches down to grab his throbbing member as he swipes his tip through your slick folds coating it with your arousal before pushing it in your aching hole. You gasp as you feel his tip slide past your entrance and fills you entirely, the stretch making you close your eyes in pleasure.

‘‘Always so fucking tight!’’ He grunts feeling your walls warm and snug around him. Your eyes shoot wide open as he pulls his hips back and slams right into you without even letting you adjust to him, drawing out a loud moan from you.

You were writhing underneath him wriggling your hands desperately wanting to feel him and hold on to him. Tom finally took mercy on you as he snakes a hand to your wrists and unties your restraints. As soon as your hands were free you flung them to his back pulling him closer as possible, one hand went to tug on to the roots of his hair. You wrapped your legs around his hips, hooking them behind his back. You could never get enough of him, you needed him deep inside you exploring parts of you that no one could ever reach. He nips at your neck sucking on your skin harshly, making sure for everyone to see who you belong to.

"Who is making you feel this good princess?" His voice raspy and breathless.

"You…" your voice trailed off as he pounds into you mercilessly.

"Didn't hear you princess" he reaches down to rub where your bodies were connected.

"You Tom! You!" you shrieked out at the added stimulation.

"That's right baby, I’m the only one who can make you feel like this, no one can make you scream the way I do, no one knows where to touch you like I do" he rubs harsher circles on your sensitive bud and moves his hips to thrust into you deeper, your moans growing louder and louder boosting his ego as your walls clasp around him.

"Fuck! I need to make sure everyone knows who you belong to eh? Maybe put a baby in you, what do you say?" He reckons while he continued to rut his hips

"Yes Tom fill me up, fill me up with your babies" you nod your head furiously as the sound of skin slapping against each other fills the room along with your grunts and moans.

"You will look so pretty baby, all round and beautiful with our child" He brushes your hair gently from your sweat covered face, you were a babbling mess by now unable to form any proper words except his name, his words only spurring you on to your impending climax. He keeps pounding into you even harder than before as you feel your body tense up, toes curling as the coil inside your stomach tightened.

"C'mon baby cum all over my cock, make me fill you up and mark you as mine" He urges and you screamed out when you felt the coil inside you finally snap your walls tightening around him as you came undone raking your nails down his back while his lips captured your swollen ones swallowing your moans as he finally cums inside you filling you up with his warm release and collapses on top of you.

"Mine" he mumbles into your skin between ragged breaths.

"All yours" you say reassuringly running your fingers through his hair soothingly catching your breath.

..................................................................................

#tom holland #tom holland one shot #tom holland smut #tom holland x reader #tom holland imagines #tom holland imagine #mob!tom #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #mob!tom holland

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queenshelby · 3 years

Text

The Singer – Part Four

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Words: 2,483

Warning: Smut, Semi Public Sex

***The Interview***

It’s been three weeks since Kurt’s stunt and things between you and Cillian couldn’t have been better. Whilst you struggled with comments from the press and the public initially, calling you a home wrecker and making an issue out of the age gap between you, it brought you and Cillian closer together and he even defended your relationship in a recent interview.

Whilst you still hadn’t talked about what you were and where you were at, it was clear to you that you were officially dating. But no one really took you seriously. You were seen as Cillian’s midlife crisis.

Cillian cared very little about the press, ignoring the bad rumours and assuring you that none of this mattered.

He was right. It didn’t matter. People were still buying your new album which, under contract, was unfortunately being produced by Kurt. Under the same contract, you were also obliged to engage in interviews and promotional events.

Whilst you were very eager to simply break your contract, Cillian reasoned with you. He was sensible and you were impulsive.

He assured you that breaking the contract would simply mean more bad press and you engaged Cillian’s agent to help you with media engagements. He seemed to take a sensible approach and asked interviewers to not ask you any personal questions.

But this didn’t always work out, especially when you had an interview scheduled with a London based program whose interviewer just loved to get under your skin.

This interviewer managed to ask you about your alleged affair by referring to some lyrics of one of your songs.

‘Look, my private life is private and I will not discuss my relationship on this show. But what I can assure you is that there was no affair. We both had separated from our partners when we got involved with each other. The song you are referring to was written over a year ago and doesn’t reflect any of my personal experiences. It was written for a movie and just like the movie, it’s fictional’ you explained in response of the interviewer’s intrusive question.

‘There are many other songs you’ve written which come to mind indicating that you do in fact prefer to be with men who are older than you. These songs were all well received but your relationship is not. How do you feel about this?’ the interviewer than asked, not giving up.

‘Again, the songs are fictional, but my private life is not. That might be the issue. It’s all good if it’s fictional but as soon as it’s not, people get curious. Perhaps there is a lack of understanding surrounding relationships that aren’t the norm. Maybe people’s perceptions will change over time. I certainly hope so. After all, there are so many relationships in the history of the world where people have large age gaps and I believe that every adult has the right to date whoever they want without being criticised about it’ you explained before taking a short pause. ‘Anyway, I would prefer if we could chat about my music now rather than my private life. That’s why I am here’ you said bluntly.

The interviewer finally backed off after your request and your agent had already called in, putting the producers of the show into their place.

Cillian had also listened to the interview and texted you, making sure that you were alright and telling you that he thought that your response was well placed.

Kurt, on the other hand, was once again annoyed with you and sent you a rude text message shortly after the interview and he couldn’t help but try to get under your and Cillian’s skin.

***The Function***

Later that day, the studio was hosting a release party to celebrate your new album which Kurt had organised at the theatre complex function rooms.

It was a beautiful venue but you knew that Kurt would be attending which could end up being a complete nightmare.

This was also the first official event which you were attending together with Cillian and you raised the question whether this meant that you are his girlfriend now.

‘I suppose….I don’t know…do you want me to be your boyfriend?’ Cillian chuckled as he buttoned up his shirt.

‘I would love you to be my boyfriend’ you giggled before giving him a kiss and asking him to zip up your dress.

‘Well, I suppose I am officially off the market again then’ Cillian chuckled before returning the kiss, which was also when you heard the taxi pull up in front of his house.

Your agent has taken the liberty to invite several producers to the party, much to the dislike of Kurt. Kurt was even more irritated when you finally arrived, together with Cillian who was holding your hand.

‘Y/N…Cillian’ Kurt said greeting you both, wanting to shake Cillian’s hand but all he got in return was Cillian raising his eyebrow.

‘Kurt’ you responded with an almost evil grin on your face and just before Kurt leaned in and kissed you on the cheek.

You didn’t stay to talk to him and it wasn’t long until you were inundated by other producers, wanting to talk to you.

‘I told you, she can be a real slut’ Kurt said to Cillian as Cillian gave you some space to mingle, unbothered by the attention you were receiving by several of the producers your agent had invited.

‘And you wonder why she left you?’ Cillian chuckled, thinking that Kurt is an absolute douche.

‘You know she sucked my cock just before I signed her’ Kurt said with a smug face and it was obvious to Cillian that he had been taking some coke again.

‘Nice talk’ Cillian laughed before walking away, getting himself a drink and talking to some of the other artists.

After about thirty minutes you sought out Cillian who was standing next to the buffet talking to two female artists and you decided to give him the same space he had given you. Jealousy wasn’t your thing and you knew there was no need for it.

Eventually, however, you received a text message from him which said nothing but ‘HELP’, making you giggle. He obviously didn’t enjoy himself talking to these women and was being polite, hanging out with them and engaging into some small talk.

Just as you were going to get Cillian away, Kurt approached you.

‘Found a new producer yet?’ he asked and you responded with a quick ‘maybe’.

‘You won’t get the same sweet deal you had with me Love…’ Kurt went on to say, causing you to laugh.

‘You remember that night in the record studio together?’ he asked sheepishly.

‘Yes, I do. You lasted a total of ten minutes which was quite something Kurt’ you chuckled.

‘And I bet these were the best ten minutes of your life’ Kurt said just as Cillian approached you, listening into the conversation and taking in a deep breath.

‘Would you please give us a minute’ Cillian asked somewhat angrily.

‘I will…because my date is here’ Kurt said sheepishly.

‘What, did you hire an escort?’ Cillian asked, looking over to the woman Kurt pointed at.

‘She’s a model’ Kurt explained, not realising that Cillian was being sarcastic.

‘Of course she is’ Cillian chuckled before saying bye to him and this is when you broke out laughing.

‘He’s got the IQ of an ape’ Cillian huffed as Kurt walked away, shaking his head in disbelieve.

‘You are being so polite sweetheart’ you giggled.

‘I am sorry, but he just makes me fucking angry. You know what he said earlier?’ Cillian said but, before he could tell you, you crashed his lips onto yours.

‘Are you angry?’ you asked as your lips drifted apart.

‘At Kurt? Yes’ Cillian said.

‘Good. Come with me’ you winked as you pulled him away from the function.

Without questions, Cillian followed you upstairs where the offices of the producers were located.

‘I saw you talking to these women earlier…tell me about them’ you said as you led Cillian towards the back of the office area.

‘Sorry Y/N, I don’t know much about them, they just…’ Cillian said but, before he could finish his sentence, you interrupted him with a passionate kiss in front of the door leading to Kurt’s office.

‘Don’t apologise, just tell me. I think there is nothing more sexy than seeing other women want what I have’ you smirked, your hand moving to his crotch.

‘Seriously?’ Cillian asked, causing you to nod and bite your lips suggestively.

‘Well, unlike you, I don’t like seeing other men want what is mine now, especially not this smug bastard’ Cillian said before pressing his lips back onto yours for an urgent kiss.

‘Please tell me this makes you angry’ you giggled as you pulled a white card out of your handbag.

‘Of course it makes me angry and, if I wouldn’t be so fucking complacent, I would punch him’ Cillian chuckled just as he watched you swipe the card through the black machine on Kurt’s office door before putting in the PIN on the security keyboard.

‘I’ve got a better idea’ you smirked as you pulled Cillian into Kurt’s office.

‘What are you doing?’ Cillian asked and all you did in response was looking over to Kurt’s study desk.

Cillian’s eyes lid up and, before you knew it, you felt your lower back pushed against the desk while Cillian lifted up your dress and pushed aside your panties.

‘You are so wet’ Cillian growled with excitement as, without warning, he pushed two of his fingers deep inside you, causing you to moan loudly. He was so aroused and rock hard, ready to take you, but he wanted to play with you first.

‘You do this to me Cillian’ you moaned, throwing your head back and taking in the sensation of his fingers deep inside your tight entrance.

Cillian continued to slide his fingers back and forth within your wet folds, hearing you moan and gasp at the sensation. He then slipped his middle finger inside you. You cried in pleasure. He loved pleasing you like this and started to thrust his fingers inside you faster and faster, watching your body pulsate with his movements.

He hit your g-spot over and over again and you knew what this meant. He was doing this on purpose, making sure to mark what is his and, in the process of it, possibly also mark the carpet in Kurt’s office if he kept going like this.

‘Oh god Cillian’ you cried, your eyes closed as he was manoeuvring his fingers tilted up to get the pleasure spot over and over again until your legs began to shake.

‘You like that?’ Cillian asked softly as he continued thrusting his finger into you and you barely managed to nod.

You fluttered your eyes open and looked at him as he confidently smiled at you. His unabashed confidence was turning you on even more. He knew that no one else ever made you cum like this.

As he continued to finger you, sending waves of pleasure over your body, you could feel yourself getting close to your orgasm and just as you were about to scream in pleasure, Cillian pushed his other hand over your mouth firmly as you came over his fingers, a wet puddle immediately forming on the office floor.

While your head was still spinning and without allowing you to come down from your high, Cillian spun you around and pushed you down against the cold oak table.

He certainly was angry and you loved every moment of it.

With one swift movement, he lifted up your dress again and pushed down your panties.

‘Spread your legs’ he instructed and you obliged, hearing his belt unbuckle and the zipper of his jeans opening.

‘That’s good’ he said as he was positioning his cock directly at your entrance, ready to push in.

Your heart started pounding with excitement and with one hard and powerful thrust and one loud groan Cillian buried himself deep inside you.

You shrieked at the sensation as he immediately and forcefully bottomed out inside of you. It took your breath away and he gave you no chance to adjust as he began to thrust in and out of you.

‘You are all mine’ Cillian moaned as he hit your cervix with the tip of his cock for what felt like the hundred’s time.

‘I am yours Cillian, oh god yes, fuck me hard’ you moaned.

Cillian grunted with each thrust, getting more aroused by the second as he was taking you over Kurt’s desk.

Each thrust was igniting a fire in you. It felt so good and you cried at the inexplicable pleasure consuming you, calling Cillian’s name multiple times.

Cillian was grabbing your thighs, prying them apart, and opening you up to him even more. He thrusted deeper and harder into you in this position.

You cried, your nails digging into the wood of Kurt’s desk while your pussy clapped against Cillian with each thrust.

‘I am coming Cillian, fuck’ you moaned and just, like that, another loud moan escaped you and your orgasm washed over you, your legs quivering and shaking as a result.

Cillian exhaled and groaned loudly, leaning in and filling you with his warm cum at the same time. You felt yourself fill up with his seed, exhaling at the sensation. He stayed inside you for a minute, then slowly pulled out. He watched his cum flow out of your opening ecstatically, running down your thighs.

You then turned around and grabbed one of the tissues from Kurt’s desk, wiping your legs clean before throwing the tissue into the bin.

His desk was covered with some of your sweat and juiced and Cillian looked at your flushed, glistening, beautiful face as you were still panting and kissed you softly on the lips.

‘Should we clean this up?’ Cillian chuckled as he closed up his belt.

‘Oh god no’ you smirked before collecting a good amount of Cillian’s cum that had pooled inside you and then licking your finger suggestively before pulling your panties back up.

‘Let’s get back to the party and say goodbye, shall we?’ you giggled.

Cillian followed you and the first person you chose to say goodbye to was Kurt, which surprised Cillian.

Giving Kurt a big kiss on his cheek, you wished him a pleasant evening and Cillian’s chin dropped immediately.

He couldn’t help it but laugh, shake Kurt’s hand, with the same hand that had pleasured you just minutes earlier, and wish him a pleasant night also.

‘You are so fucking bad, you know that?’ Cillian laughed later in the taxi on your way home.

‘He deserved it’ you giggled.

Tag List (Cillian):

@lilymurphy03 @deefigs @theflamecrystal @desperate-and-broken @weepingstudentfishhorse @livinginfantaxy @rosey1981 @atomicsoulcollecto @peakyboyslover @nerdy4itall @elenavampire21 @hanster1998 @mariapaiva13 @fairypitou @harry-is-my-sunflower @zozeebo @lauren-raines-x @kasaikawa @littlewierdalien @sad-huffle-nerd @theflamecrystal @peakymalfoyscullymulder @themissthang @0ghostwriter0 @stylescanbeatmyback @1-800-peakyblinders @datewithgianni @momoneymolife @ntmynouis @lilymurphy03 @mcntsee@cloudofdisney @missymurphy1985 @peakymalfoyscullymulder @otterly-fey janelongxox @uchihacumdump

Cannot Tag (please check your settings):

@l0tsofpennies @margoo0 @trolleydolly @avonlady1985 @chrisevanshoeee @daydreamingnymph @fookingshelby @chocolatehalo

#cillian murphy #cillian murphy smut #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy imagine

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peterparkers-bad-youtube-apology · 3 years

Text

The Angel Nextdoor

Pairing: Artist!Tom Holland x Reader

A/N: This is the first Tom fic I’ve ever posted and I’m a little nervous, but I’m really proud of it. I hope you guys really like it, I’d love to hear your feedback. Now, this is my Valentine’s day special, and I know what you’re thinking, “Ashley, how can you post a Valentine’s say special on February 15th? It doesn’t make any sense.”. But to that I say, you’ve just never seen this kind of innovation, I’m an artist and I have to take risks like this sometimes. I hope you can understand, love you all xx

Summary: Tom’s latest assignment might just give him the push he needs to finally confess his feelings.

Masterlist

Promt list

“This is the handout for your final, we’re going to talk about it more next class, but for now just look this over and start brainstorming,” Ms. Miller passed a stack of papers down the row with a smile, “You’ll have a full month to work on it so I expect really polished pieces for this.”

Tom glanced over the requirements before settling at the prompt.

‘Paint someone close to you (friend, family member, significant other, ect…) in the style of their favorite artist or painting.’

It seemed simple enough, and he could think of a handful of people to ask. Definitely not family, he didn’t want to travel home and back that frequently. He could ask Harrison, and he was sure he would say yes, but there was one person who really stuck out in his mind. It was (y/n) of course, who better to paint than the most beautiful person in the world? And could anyone really expect an artist like him not to want to paint the object of her affection? Of course actually doing it was a different story. Asking her to let him paint her was a daunting task, one Tom was sure he couldn’t complete. So he was going to paint Harrison.

“Try to come to class with a narrowed down list of who you may end up painting, you’ll need to know for sure by Friday,” Ms. Miller sighed as the class began packing up, “I’ll see you all on Wednesday.”

Tom shoved everything in his bag and went straight for the dinning hall, where he was supposed to meet Harrison and (y/n) for lunch. He debated again trying to ask her, but quickly shoved the thought from his mind. She had inspired his work before certainly, it was inevitable that she’d inspire him, or her image would wander to his mind when he was working, but he had never painted her. Of course he wanted to paint her directly, but it was intimate, it always felt wrong to do without her permission. Just asking to paint her surely would have revealed his feelings too, something he wanted to do on his own terms, when he was ready, with concrete proof that she liked him back and he wouldn’t embarrass himself.

“That’s not a happy face,” Harrison hummed as Tom sat down in front of him, “Bad grade or something?”

“No, we just got our final already,” he sighed, letting his bag fall besides him.

“Already?”

He nodded, “Yeah, she wants it to be really polished.”

“Does it seem really hard?”

“It’s nothing I can’t do, I’m gonna need your help though.”

“I’m sorry, you’ve seen me paint before right?”

Tom rolled his eyes, “Obviously not with that. I’m just supposed to paint someone close to me and I don’t want to drive home every other day so I was gonna ask if I could paint you.”

Harrison knit his brow in confusion, “Why wouldn’t you ask (y/n)?”

Tom flushed, “Absolutely not.”

“Why not? You two would get to spend a lot of time together, alone. Isn’t that what you want?”

“Yes, and I’d like to paint her, but it’s so intimate. I want to be the one to tell her I like her, not a painting. Plus she could say no and then I’d never be able to show my face in public again.”

“There is no way she would say no,” Harrison rolled her eyes, “Just ask her, she’d be happy to help and you might just finally see that she’s into you. Then I can stop watching you two pine over one another.”

“No, just drop it,” Tom ordered, spotting (y/n) approaching their table, “Don’t say anything to her.”

“Hey boys,” she smiled as she sat besides Tom, “How were classes?”

“Mine were fine, Tom’s already getting his finals though.”

Tom shot him a glare while she sighed, “That’s brutal, I’m sorry Tom.”

“I’ll survive,” he hummed, “It’s not anything too rough.”

“What is it?” she asked curiously.

“Just painting someone I know,” his cheeks dusted pink, “Nothing too hard.”

“Too bad I can’t help you out with it more,” Harrison bit his cheek, “Maybe (y/n) could pose for you.”

Tom decided he’d have to push Harrison out their dorm window when they got home.

“Oh yeah, I don’t mind,” she smiled kindly to him.

“It’s okay, it’s probably going to take me awhile and I know you’re busy, I can just ask one of my brothers,” he insisted.

“And drive home every other day? That’s ridiculous, I’ll just do it.”

Tom sucked in a deep breath, trying to decide quickly what the right decision to make was. But he was a painter, he couldn’t give up the chance to paint something so perfect in good conscience, and he didn’t really want to say no either.

“Thanks, I really appreciate it,” he smiled to her.

“No problem. So what do I need to do?”

“I’m supposed to paint you in the style of your favorite artist, or painting.”

“Well…” she tapped her lip thoughtfully, “Oh, they guy that painted those little cupids, and he did that Birth of Venus you showed me with all the cupids in it, I really liked his stuff. What was his name again?”

“William-Adolphe Bouguereau,” Tom pursed his lips, “I could do that, it’s not too far off from what I like to do anyway.”

“Cool, I guess I should start practicing my poses then?”

He chuckled, “No, we’ll just do something comfortable for you,” he bit the inside of his cheek, “There’s a bit of planning to do first, like what you’re gonna wear and the colors I’m gonna use, and sketching, I’ll just need a few days.”

“Well why don’t you come over and we can raid my closet? Maybe I can help with some of the other stuff too.”

Harrison was smiling like a proud dad when Tom glanced over at him, “Um, yeah, that would be good, I could come over after class Wednesday?”

“It’s a date.”

“I laid out some clothes already,” (y/n) smiled to Tom as she led him to her room, “I mean you’ll know better than me, but I tried to pick some things I thought would paint well.”

“Thanks, I was thinking something really simple would be best,” he began examining the clothes on her bed, smiling when he spotted the same white, babydoll dress she liked to wear whenever it got hot, “How about this one? It has that sort of angelic feel.”

She picked up the dress and held it against her, “It’s the comfiest too.”

He laughed, “Well that one for sure then. Next would be location, and I know you really like L'Amour et Psyché, enfants, so I thought it would be nice to have you sitting on a cloud to reference that.”

“Whatever you think is best Tom, you’re the artist,” she hummed, “I think that sounds nice though.”

“I think we’ll do that then. Do you want to toss the dress on so we can run through some poses?”

She nodded and Tom stepped outside, allowing her a moment to change. He’d thought about the painting all night, sketching out different poses and swatching colors he wanted to try. The anger he’d felt towards Harrison at lunch had faded almost instantly to excitement. He’d hung out with her a million times before, but he usually let his nerves get the best of him if things started getting flirty. Painting always relaxed him though, and he was sure that he would be able to make his feelings known once he was behind the canvas.

Of course, unbeknownst to Tom, her feelings were quite similar. Tom was handsome, of course, and funny and kind, and she got along with him better than anyone else. She had never felt the way she felt for him with anyone else, but flirting was hard. She always got nervous and backed off, there was just too much at risk. She didn’t know if Tom felt the same way, and she didn’t want to risk damaging their relationship by telling him she was into him. Of course she was happy just to help Tom for the class, but she thought it was a good chance to tread the waters.

“Ready,” (y/n) smiled as she left her room, “Where do you want me boss?”

“The couch is fine,” he was holding his sketchbook now, holding it firm against his chest, “If you could sit kind of sideways and put your arms on the back of the couch.”

She sat as he told her, glancing over her shoulder at him, “Like this?”

“That’s really nice, very reminiscent of the original…” he glanced down at his sketchbook, “Are you comfortable?”

“It’s a little awkward,” she admitted.

“Then it’s a no. How about with your hands in front of you, just resting.”

“This is better,” she smiled as she switched positions, “But if you want me the other way I don’t mind.”

“I just want you to be comfortable,” he assured before glancing back at the sketchbook, “Why don’t you try on your stomach, with your arms under your head.”

She giggled as she moved, kicking her legs like a child, “This is like the fifth grade slumber party position. I feel like we’re gonna play truth or dare.”

He rolled his eyes, “You’re never going to break into the modeling industry if you mess around like that.”

“You’re lucky I’m not a model or I’d be charging,” she stuck her tongue out before laying her head on her hands, “Is this right?”

“Almost, just cross your arms like this,” he set her arms in the position he wanted before stepping away again, “Are you comfy like that?”

“Yeah, I could sleep like this.”

“Good, there’s just one other pose I wanted to try. Could you roll over?”

She flipped to her back and set her hands over her stomach, “Do I look like an angel now?”

“Almost,” he moved one of his arms, extending it above her head and leaving the other over her stomach, “Perfect,” he declared, looking her over with a smile, “Very angelic.”

Her cheeks dusted pink and she bit down on her cheek, “Thanks.”

“I think this is the one,” he scribbled a few things in his sketchbook, “What do you think?”

"I could lay here all day."

“Perfect, can you stay there for a few so I can sketch you?”

She nodded, drumming her fingers along her stomach, "Did you get a better explanation of the project today?"

"Yeah, she said our grade is going to be focused on the emotion of the piece since we're painting someone close to us. She wants us to focus on portraying them how we see them."

"How are you gonna portray me then?" she blushed as she questioned him.

"An angel," he spoke without thinking, his cheeks flushing instantly, "Not with wings or anything, just sort of what I'm going for."

She was sure her face was about to catch on fire, "You don't have to do that, I mean I like the angel paintings, but you should portray me how you see me."

"I am, it just happened to fit with what you like," he tried his best to conceal his face behind his sketchbook as he spoke, "You're really sweet, and you always make everyone around you really happy, I think an angel is fitting."

“I think you’re like that,” she met his eyes, just barely peeking over the edge of his sketchbook, “You always make me happy.”

“I’m really glad I do,” he bit the inside of his cheek nervously, “I think I’ve got everything I need for today, I’ll do some thumbnailing tonight and go pick up some supplies.”

“Cool,” she sat back up, twirling some of her hair nervously, “So when do you want to start?”

“You have that essay right? Why don’t we do Saturday? I don’t want to take up a bunch of your time.”

“That’s sweet but I’m gonna procrastinate no matter what,” she giggled, “Saturday is good though, then we’d have all day to work.”

“I’ll be over at ten then,” he closed his sketchbook before shoving is back into his bag, “If you really want to procrastinate you could come to the store with me. I mean I have to make sure I can match your skin and hair and everything…”

“Well sure, but if you want even more of my very valuable time I at least expect you to buy me some tea.”

He laughed, “Fine, fine, we’ll stop for tea.”

Day 1

Tom was surprised by how awake (y/n) was when he arrived, she was never much of a morning person. When he showed up she had brewed some tea for them both and was already wearing the white dress they’d agreed upon. Tom had drawn about a thousand thumbnails before finally deciding on exactly what he wanted the painting to look like. He decided he’d start on it Friday night, figuring it would be good to get most of the background out of the way so he could focus on painting her while they were together. She gushed over how good the painting already looked, telling him they were the most perfect clouds she’d ever seen while he set up his work station. She was always hyping him up, he appreciated it, even though he was nervous to get started.

“You ready?” he asked finally.

She nodded, “Yeah,” she sat down, doing her best to mimic the pose she had earlier in the week, “Am I good?”

Tom nodded, “Perfect.”

“Awesome, I won’t move a muscle.”

He chuckled, “You can move. Just not too much,” he sighed, picking up his palette and taking one more moment to stare at his canvas, “Okay, time to start.”

(y/n) watched him quietly at first, watching the cute way he stuck out his tongue when he concentrated. She had never seen him paint, the occasional sketch sure, but with painting she’d only even seen finished pieces. They were always amazing, but she felt like getting to see the work in progress was something special. Most people never got to meet someone as passionate or as talented as Tom, let alone get to be the subject of their work.

“Do you mind if I draw the curtains?” Tom broke her trance.

“It’s your painting.”

He laughed, “No, I mean open them. Why on earth would I add a window to a painting of you in the sky?”

“I don’t know how your artist brain works, maybe you think clouds have windows,” she laughed in response, “Go ahead, I thought you wouldn’t want the lighting changing all day.”

“Well I’m going to paint the light source where I want it to be,” he explained as he stood, “But I want to make sure I’m painting you how you’d look in more natural light. Maybe angels have windows, but I’m nearly certain they don’t have iridescent light bulbs.”

“You seriously think heaven has fluorescent lighting?”

“I think they use the sun,” he deadpanned, though a smirk tempted the corners of his mouth, “You can turn on the tv or something.”

“That’s okay, I like watching you.”

He furrowed his brow in confusion, “Why? I’m just staring at a canvas.”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, “It’s something you're passionate about, it’s cute watching you get in the zone.”

“Oh,” he blushed and turned his attention back to his work, “Thanks. I’ll be more talkative once I get a little further along, I just really like to concentrate in the beginning.”

“It’s fine,” she assured again, “I’m not bored Tom, I don’t mind a bit of quiet time.”

“Okay.”

Truthfully he didn’t mind it either, at least when he was with her. He just liked being in the same room together, even if they were just studying or watching a movie, it was nice to just be together.

Day 2

“Would you mind if I came over after class tomorrow?” Tom questioned, breaking (y/n)’s attention from the tv.

“That’s fine by me,” she smiled to him, “It’s not like I usually have plans with anyone else on a Monday afternoon.”

“Yeah, no one else can stand you,” he chuckled while she feigned offense.

“You know I could be charging you for this? I’m doing this for free out of the goodness of my heart.”

“You think I have money? I’m a starving artist darling, free is all I can afford.”

“You better be nice then,” she teased with a smile.

“I’m cooking you lunch aren’t I?” he sighed before setting his paints down, “Speaking of which, I think I’m ready for a lunch break.”

“Me too,” she rubbed her stomach, “Break time?”

He nodded, “Yeah, you still want pasta?”

“You know I do,” she winked as she stood up, stretching her arms up above her head, “Can I peak?”

He nodded, “It still doesn’t look like much, but I’m making good progress.”

She bounced over to the painting, smiling ear to ear as she took in all he had done, “It looks more and more amazing every time I see it. This is amazing Tom, seriously it looks so good already.”

He smiled, blushing at the praise, “Thanks, I think it’s coming along really well.”

Day 3

Tom was making much quicker progress than he had expected, he just found it very easy to find his rhythm every time they sat down to work. Part of it was her, part of it was the subject matter, also her. He was pretty sure all the hours he’d previously spent staring at her had something to do with it too. So far he was proud of his work, though he was sure it wouldn’t have been possible for a painting of her to look bad anyway. When he sat down to paint her he didn’t have to think about it much, just paint, it came very natural. It just felt naturally to immortalize someone like her, but the talking helped the most. Normally he painted alone and he’d wear himself out or hit some kind of wall and be forced to stop, but he hadn’t had that problem since working with her. It was like his hands moved on their own while he just hung out with his best friend. It was just easy...

“Tom?”

“Yeah?”

“How do you stay so clean when you paint?”

“I figured it out around the same time I stopped fingerpainting.”

She laughed, “Okay well when I try to paint I still get at least some paint on my hands and arms and stuff, you never get paint anywhere.”

“This is the third time you’ve seen me paint, I’ve gotten messy plenty of times but I’m trying really hard not to get paint all over your house.”

“Have you ever painted a girl?” she giggled, “Her body I mean, like gotten naked and painted on each other?”

He flushed suddenly, “No, have you?”

“No, but it would be fun wouldn’t it?”

“It would be cold,” he pursed his lips, he was well hidden by the canvas, so he had a lot more confidence in his ability to be cheeky, “We can take a break if you want to try it out.”

She went quiet for a moment, Tom thought he might have to throw himself out of her window but when he looked at her her cheeks were just as red, and she decided to press on, “What would you paint?”

“Depends where I’m painting.”

She bit her bottom lip, a playful smile overtaking her despite her pink cheeks, “Well I would paint a grid and play tic tac toe on your abs.”

She burst into laughter at her own awful joke and Tom did his best to fight off his own laughter, “That was not funny.”

“Yes it was that’s hilarious!” she kept laughing, clenching her stomach and rolling onto her side, only to find there was no room and roll onto the floor with a thud, “Ow.”

Tom started laughing, “You deserve that for making such a shit joke.”

“Fuck off,” she groaned.

Day 4

“Do you ever get lonely living here all alone?” Tom knit his brow as he tried to perfect her nose.

She nodded, “Sometimes, but I don’t really want a roommate you know? I need a boyfriend or something so I can just call him over when I decide I want someone to spend the night.”

“You could call me,” Tom didn’t dare peek out from behind the canvas after that comment, “I wouldn’t mind if you wanted me to spend the night sometimes.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, we could even build a pillow fort and play truth or dare.”

She laughed lightly, “Well who could pass up an offer like that?”

Day 5

Rather than painting the whole night, Tom and (y/n) had decided to get some studying done, putting them at a much later start when they eventually did get to the painting. (y/n) seemed tired, and Tom had told her they could skip the night, especially since he was making such good progress already, but she had insisted she was fine. So they started working, and (y/n) watched tv, half away while Tom started working. The painting was coming along amazing, and Tom had planned to just get some of the more tedious, detailing work done and let her get to bed, but of course once he actually started working it was a different story. He had quickly gotten wrapped up in his work, not stopping until the noise of the tv stopped, the screen flashing to ask if anyone was still watching.

“Sorry, I was just getting in the zone I-” Tom stopped mid sentence, spotting her already passed out on the couch. Her head was tossed to the side and one of her arms hung off the couch. The sight was endearing, but Tom felt bad about not noticing, “Oh dear,” he set his pallet down and stood up, flicking the tv off before approaching her, “Well come on darling, let’s get you to bed,” he nudged her lightly, “(y/n), time to wake up.”

She stirred slightly, a small groan leaving her lips before her eyes peaked open, “Tommy?”

He nodded, a small smile on his lips, “I would have carried you, but you’ve got to lock up behind me.”

She yawned, “Sorry, I’ll stay awake Tom, you can keep working.”

“You’re exhausted sweetheart, you need to get some sleep,” he smiled, setting a hand on her cheek carefully, “I got a lot done today anyway, promise.”

“Okay,” she yawned again before taking his hand, “I’ll help you clean up.”

“I’ll take care of it, why don’t you go get ready for bed?”

She nodded again, pushing herself up sleepily and padding off to her bedroom. Tom smiled to himself while he cleaned up, thinking about how nice it would have been to carry her off and tuck her in, or better yet fall asleep besides her. He could only hope he’d get there one day, if he could ever force out his feelings. It was seeming more and more possible everyday. Just as he’d suspected, hiding behind the canvas had made it much easier to flip the conversation to something flirty, and much to his delight, she didn’t seem to mind, if anything she flirted back.

“Looks good,” (y/n) hummed as she glanced over the painting, “Tomorrow we should be able to start early.”

“Thank you, honestly at this rate I’ll only need a few more days.”

“That’s awesome Tommy, I can’t wait to see it all done.”

“Me too,” he tossed an arm over her shoulder with a smile, “Come see me out.”

“I am, I am,” she smiled as he led her to the door, “Drive safe.”

“I will, get some sleep darling,” he kissed the top of her head before heading for the car.

Day 6

The doorbell made Tom jump, and nearly swipe a black line through one of her eyes, “Fucking hell,” he swore under his breath,

She giggles, “It’s just the pizza Tom,” she jumped off the couch, heading straight for the door, “Which means stop working busy bee we’ve got a pizza to devour!”

He pushed himself up with a sigh, “I’m in the homestretch here, I just need to push through.”

“No, you need to nourish your body and keep your mind sharp,” she winked to him as she opened the door accepting the pizza with a quick thank you.

“Smells delicious,” he plucked the box from her arms, “I think I’ll pretty much finish up tonight, but I’ll want to really polish it tomorrow when I’ve got fresh eyes. And I probably won’t want to stop once I’ve got started so eat and pee before I get here.”

“You’re lucky you’re cute or you wouldn’t get away with bossing people around like that,” she passed him a plate before tossing open the box.

“I know,” he winked to her, dishing them both a slice, “You know I probably only need another hour or so tonight, so we could watch a movie or something while we eat, then I could finish up after.”

A swarm of butterflies fluttered around her stomach, almost making it impossible for her to answer, “That sounds nice Tom, you definitely deserve to relax.”

“We both do,” he grabbed her remote as he fell down on the couch.

“I’ve been laying on the couch, relaxing is currently all I know.”

“Nah, I’m sure it gets tiring sitting there looking pretty all day,” he sucked in a sharp breath when she sat down, pressed right against his side.

“It does,” she nodded in agreement, “Alright, you pick for us alright?”

“Sure.”

He didn’t pay much attention to what he was picking, he was much more concerned with their proximity. They’d watched plenty of movies and tv shows together during their friendship, but they never sat so close. It gave Tom a lot of confidence, since she’d opted to sit besides him, he took it as a sign that his flirting was landing. So after they finished eating he decided he should also initiate something and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Without even thinking she had laid her head on his shoulder, it just felt natural. Tom pressed a quick kiss to the top of her head and turned his attention to the tv.

Day 7

Tom stood up, stepping back a few feet to examine his work. He did it fairly frequently so (y/n) didn’t think anything of it and turned right back to the tv, until Tom spoke.

“It’s perfect, I’m done,” he declared with a small smile.

(y/n) raised a brow, “Seriously?”

He nodded, “Yeah, I have to seal it and everything, but the actual painting is done. I’ll turn it in on Monday.”

“Don’t you have a few more weeks?” she asked as she stood.

He nodded, “I don’t need them, I’m finished, it’s gorgeous, I don’t need to do anything else.”

“Well can I see?”

“Of course!” he grabbed her shoulders, quickly pulling her to face the work, “What do you think?”

She went wide eyed, taken back by how good he’d made her look. It was strange, seeing herself in a painting. It was done well of course, and it looked just like her, but better somehow. She couldn’t put her finger on exactly what it was, maybe the background or the romantic theme of the painting, but she just looked better. She looked like an angel, perched on a bed of pink and blue swirling clouds, reminiscent of the paintings she likes, but distinctly Tom’s work.

“Wow,” she turned to him with a big smile, “Tom it’s incredible, I don’t know how you made me look like that.”

“That’s just what you look like.”

She shook her head, “It’s better somehow, like the perfect version of me or something. You did incredible.”

“No,” he shook his head, “That’s just you, but thank you. I’m really proud of this, I think it’s one of my best.”

She blushed, “Yeah, you’re gonna get a killer grade.”

He hadn’t thought much about the grave, the assignment had taken a back seat to just painting her, “Yeah, I hope so,” he grabbed her upper arms and smiled down at her, “You’re incredible you know that? Thank you so much for doing this for me.”

She bit her lip and nodded, “You don’t have to thank me, I had fun.”

“Me too,” his eyes caught her lips for just a moment, soft and supple and more than kissable, “I, uh, we should do something to celebrate, dinner or something.”

“That would be fun too,” she tucked some hair behind her ear, leaning towards him just slightly.

He found himself leaning in too, but as much as he wanted to kiss her, something just wouldn’t let him. He kissed her forehead and backed away awkwardly, “I, uh, need to pack everything up, I have to get the sealant on pretty quick and I left it at home so…”

The sealant was in his bag, but he felt like running away suddenly, his nerves truly getting the best of him.

Her cheeks burned in embarrassment but she nodded, ‘Y-Yeah, no problem, I’ll help you pack up.”

“Wait so let me get this straight, all this flirting and pining, you chickened out on the kiss?” Harrison’s jaw fell open in disbelief.

Tom nodded, hiding his head against his arms, “Yes, and I nearly died the first time so let's not talk about it now.”

“Dude,” he gaped, “Are you kidding me? All you had to do was pucker up!”

“I know!” Tom groaned, “I know, I don’t even know what happened, I just froze up. I mean what if I misread it? She probably didn’t want me to kiss her, in fact I know she didn’t.”

“You said she leaned in first!”

“I thought she did but I’m stupid! There’s no way she was trying to kiss me.” “It literally could not be more obvious that you two like each other so I don’t want to hear it. You need to just call her up and tell her you froze up and ask her out.”

“I can’t, I will literally drop dead.”

Harrison rolled his eyes, “Then I’ll do it.”

“Dude no! I’m not ten, I can’t send you to ask a girl out for me, that’s a guaranteed no at this point.”

“Then just tell her,” Harrison groaned, “Before I lose it, please.”

Tom was coming to terms with the fact that he was going to die alone by Wednesday morning. It was hard to accept, but easier to accept than almost kissing his dream girl and chickening out, so the choice had been easy. But apparently the universe had other plans for him, as Ms. Miller decided to pull him aside after class.

“I want to talk about your final,” she placed his painting on an easel.

He blushed, “You don’t like it?”

She shook her head, “No, no, Tom this is incredible. I was going to suggest that you enter it into the National Galleries up and coming contest.”

“Seriously?”

She nodded, “Yeah, this is amazing, it would be a shame if the world didn’t see it,” she chuckled lightly, “And I’m sure it would get you some brownie points with your girlfriend.”

“Oh, she’s not my girlfriend,” he spoke softly, pretending to cough to try and hide his words, ��Just my friend.”

“You painted just a friend like this?”

He nodded.

“And remind me of the title.”

“The Angel Nextdoor.”

“Do you call all your friends angel?”

“Uh no, just her,” he bit his lip while she raised a brow at him, “She doesn’t know I’m into her.”

Ms. Miller glanced at the painting with a hum, “Has she seen the painting?”

He nodded, “Yeah, she was there the whole time.”

“I think she knows.”

He began to blush again, “Really?”

She nodded, “I could tell just from looking at it that you must really love this girl, I’m sure she can tell too,” she smiled and leaned back on her desk, “Anyways, I just wanted to let you know about the competition, I’ll have your marks soon.”

He nodded, “Thanks, I’ll, uh, think about it.”

He scrambled out of class quickly, wondering if maybe he didn’t have to die alone. Maybe he could confess, and maybe (y/n) who had gushed to him about the painting he’d poured all his love into, would reciprocate. Maybe she had leaned in to try and kiss him, and maybe, just maybe, she really did like him back. Instead of stopping at the dining hall where he was supposed to meet Harrison and (y/n) he paced right past it, towards (y/n)’s class, trying to hype himself up the whole way.

(y/n) had spent the past few days with her mind full of questions. She had leaned in, hoping Tom would get the hint and they would kiss. It seemed to be going that way but then he stopped. Tom had seemed flirty while he was painting her, and she tried her best to show her own interest. He had even held her while they watched a movie, but then he didn’t kiss her. He just kissed her on the forehead and left. She was worried she had misread everything, and almost certain she had. She was anxious about seeing him for the first time since the almost kiss, worried things would be tense or weird. So she was quite worried when she spotted him outside of her class, worried he was about to tell her to never bring up the incident and forget anything happened.

“Hey,” she smiled to him, “What are you doing here?” “I came to talk to you,” he blushed a bit, “Uh, Ms. Miller really likes my painting, she thought I should enter it in this competition for up and comers.”

“Really? Tom that’s awesome, congrats!”

He nodded, “Yeah, thanks, I thought it was really cool too, but she said she thought it was good because she could really see my emotions.”

“Also awesome, you’re gonna ace that class.”

“Okay, but, um…” he trailed off for a minute, unsure of how to force the words out, “The emotion was love, that she saw I mean. She said she could tell I really loved you, a-and I know you know that I do love you, but I love you way more than any of my other friends, and it’s different too… I mean I know I’m like a struggling artist, and that’s not the most desirable thing, and I’m not this perfect, beautiful person like you are, but I do love you, and I love you so much it’s overwhelming sometimes. The best thing I’ve ever painted is you because I love you so much, romantically.”

She stood totally frozen, with wide eyes and her mouth hanging open, making Tom’s heart pound nervously against his chest. He thought he might black out but she moved suddenly, grabbing him by the neck and kissing him hard. Her lips were plump and soft and so much better than he could have imagined. He grabbed her waist, leaning into her with a smile.

“I love you too,” she smiled as she pulled away, “I think you’re perfect and I am totally crazy about you.”

“Seriously?”

She nodded excitedly, “Of course! How could I not? You’re incredibly talented and you're funny and your kind, Tom you’re amazing, of course I am so totally in love with you.”

He smiled and sealed their lips again, “Maybe we could go on a date sometime then?”

She nodded again, “Of course, but I’ve got one condition.”

“Anything.”

“There has to be more kissing.”

He laughed before pecking her lips again, “I think I can handle that.”

215 notes · View notes

mcrmadness · 3 years

Note

14, 15, 33 (like generally in people, not dating-wise), 40, 47 :D

Ask game: Unusual asks.

Thanks! 8D

14: What is your least favorite word?

In which language? :D Also this is probably the hardest question in this ask game because I literally don't know XD But I try to think about something.

OH NOW I KNOW! I hope people don't get mad at me but RIGHT NOW my least favorite word is "gender envy". I just have this thing when I'm exposed to something against my will - could be a word, a celebrity's face (or name) or even just a tv series - and too often in very short time, and suddenly I just get an overload of that and I feel so fed up with it and can no longer tolerate it AT ALL and everything about said thing just gets on my nerves and makes me so angry that if it's e.g. a tv series someone's watching, I simply have to leave the room because I can't stand anything about it at all anymore, not even the musics nor actors' voices.

So lately this happened to me with this word. It just came out of nowhere and I see so many using it now and I can't escape because it's not only on Tumblr, it's also on Discord and on every freaking website I go to, and I feel like I'm going crazy but I just can't NOT SEE that word because there's no way to avoid it. Even if I filtered the tag on Tumblr, I'd still have to see the word because Tumblr would tell me "this post was filtered for the tag #gender envy". And it kinda sucks.

(I'm agender/nonbinary so I don't feel gender envy because there's no one born without a physical gender and I usually don't look at snails or so and be like "I wish I had its gender" - besides they are hermaphrodite and not genderless so...)

***

15: What is your favorite word?

This is also something I haven't really thought about. Okay my brain just said I should say: Gotham. Because it's one of my favorite tv series, after Gotham City which is Batman's home city, and if you put that word in half you get: Got-Ham.

That's why my siblings (they're 26 btw) started talking about the show with the Finnish word for ham: kinkku. So my sister would ask my brother "Should we watch 'Kinkku'?" when she wanted to continue watching Gotham :DDDDDDDD

***

This got bit long so the next ones under the cut...

33: What turns you off?

The lack of sense of humour. I seriously don't think I'd ever be able to get along with someone who either has no sense of humour at all or has it completely different from mine.

Also people who don't respect others, people who refuse to listen to others. Nothing makes me angrier and more frustrated than when I'm trying to say something and people say "I don't care." and won't let me even finish because they don't want to hear what I have to say only because they THINK they're gonna disagree. And even if they do disagree, it'd still be nice of them to let people finish before proclaiming that they disagree. Not doing that makes a person just an asshole.

And another thing is the music taste, having it different won't make a friendship impossible, but it always drops my mood a bit to learn I again listen to different bands and genres altogether than someone new I learnt to know, because it seems to be something that just always keeps happening...

***

40: First concert you attended

It was in 2007 and My Chemical Romance's concert in Finland. It was also their first gig in Finland ever. The concert took place in Helsinki, I was 16 and met a few internet friends I had but mainly spent time with my parents who I went to the concert with. The gig itself was insane, I had never been to an actual concert before because I was so afraid of big crowds because of my social anxiety and I always thought I don't care about going to concerts. But something in me needed to experience an MCR concert and I'm glad that I did that, because I really like going to concerts now. Every time I feel like dying tho, but somehow I still end up buying concert tickets anyway XD

The concert itsel was insane and I didn't even feel the anxiety there at all! After the concert we were hanging out near the venue and my parents already wanted to leave but I just had this feeling that we should not leave yet, and then they said we have to go now so I started walking after them and crying, and that's when I heard girls screaming behind the venue and as we went there, Frank was actually there writing signatures, and we quickly ran there and I don't remember anything else but this small group and we just handed him the ticket, he wrote his name and we left :D

Here's a photo, I still find it hard to believe that I got Frank's signature but this ticket is a proof of that so I guess I just have to trust it XD

After all that we then visited this "Rock McDonald's" in Helsinki, it's just some regular McDonald's with rock themed furniture and music and that night they were playing only MCR, and from there we went back to the hotel.

***

47: What’s your favorite holiday?

I think I answered this question in another ask a couple of weeks ago but I don't remember what I said :D Probably talked about Christmas but now I started wondering it this means like... those HOLIDAYS like Christmas, or just any kind of free days from school and work. Because I've been having one long weekend for the past 2 years, and before that holidays didn't really exist for me because horses need to be fed and taken care of no matter what the calendar says :D

Anyway I think I'm gonna say: Midsummer. In Finland it's a big thing. Well, for most it just means drinking and partying outside, but not for me because I hate people and don't drink alcohol lmao. No but, I actually was born on Midsummer Eve, the Eve is never the exact same date every year (it's always a Friday, tho) so when I have my birthday, it's not necessarily that year's Midsummer Eve. Apparently also not this year, so usually I'm having my birthday during Midsummer but I haven't celebrated it since I turned 18, so it's not really a big deal for me. I'd rather forget about it because I have had an age crisis since I was 23... anyhow, this year I'm gonna turn 30 so I know it's gonna be a bit bigger thing for my family and relatives but I'd rather not be reminded of that because for the past 10 years I have just been worrying about how 30 is closer every year because when I hit that age, then 40 will be closer than ever, too ::D

A "fun" fact about Midsummer and what it means in Finland: Every year everyone wishes for bad and good weather simultaneously because people want to spend the day in good weather but good weather means people like to go swimming. And alcohol + swimming is NEVER a good combination and the warmer the day, the more people will drown. Every Midsummer Day or the first work day after Midsummer weekend, you will find reports from all newspapers about how many people drowned this time. The nicer the weather, the bigger the number(s)... It's terrible, and people are adviced to look after their friends and family and never leave anyone alone near the water when alcohol is involved. Even I have sometimes kept an eye on someone because they were drunk and went close to the lake (not necessarily during Midsummer, but whenever I've been spending time with my mom and her siblings and friends at a summer cottage).

I don't want to end this so dramatically so I also want to say that I like Midsummer because in Finland, the sun never really sets during summer. And during Midsummer the nights are usually the brightest and soon after that it starts getting darker and darker again. It always makes me sad because the summer is so short here, but I really love these summer nights when there's like 3 hours between the sunset and sunrise but the sky doesn't even have time to turn dark during that time. Finnish summer is something special and magical.

It's probably impossible to imagine and incredibly difficult to show in photos too, but here's my attempt:

This one was taken in (the beginning of) June 2017, at 2:00 in the morning during this photo. I think it's very close to the actual lighting of that night. It's so easy to get too dark or bright photos with a proper camera and I can never remember afterwards which of the brightnesses was the correct one. (Btw we [aka me because I'm the only one of my family with a driver's license] were driving back home from Helsinki, we were to Helsinki because of a Rammstein concert :D)

I also have some photos taken at 9pm what looks more like it was in the middle of the day, and also a photo I took at 3am and it looks like it's a daytime too. It's slightly darker between 11pm and 2am and then it gets bright again. But I'm too lazy to add them to this because they just look like daytime photos and you only have my word about the actual time, so it still doesn't feel the same as actually being outside at 3am while it's bright as day :D

#lebignom #ask games

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cravingmarvel · 4 years

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Apartment - Epilogue

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Fem!Reader Warnings: Swearing, a little angst, sarcasm as always Summary: You just moved from Germany to New York, working as an editor at a newspaper. So what happens when you find out your favourite actor lives in the apartment across from yours? And how will people react when you share your story on your Blog dedicated to him? What will you make of this situation? A/N: Wow here we are... the last of the last... I can’t believe that after 2 YEARS I managed to finish this series completely... I apologize for the time it took, but I just had no idea how to write it and in retrospect.. I’m glad I waited this long. A HUGE thank you to @buckisthatyou for helping me with this!!! I love you!!!

Anyway... I hope you guys love this as much as I loved writing this and I’ll see you at the end of the chapter :)

MASTERLIST

Apartment – Epilogue

I carried the last of my boxes up the stairs, weighted down a little by the contents of it. This one got lost on its way here and I’ve been desperately trying not to cry over it. It’s been almost three months since Sebastian and I moved in together, but this little fucker had to get lost.

As I pushed the door open with my shoulder the light that flooded into the room filled me with butterflies. Just seeing the living room full of life and personality put the biggest smile on my face. I placed the box next to the bookshelf and started to unpack the books inside. I moved some of the cacti out of the way, they are definitely taking over the place.

I felt a hand on my hip and jumped slightly.

“Hey, how’s it coming along?” I turned to see Sebastian.

“Very nicely, but I do think we need to calm down about the cacti.” I pouted and he kissed my cheek.

“Hm, maybe.” I caught the cheeky smile as he walked away.

The move was easy, finding an apartment wasn’t. We came across a beautiful, two-story apartment in the heart of Manhattan that was pretty close to my new workplace. After my move back to New York, we went straight to looking for a place to share. He said he wanted it to be right in the heart of the city, but close enough to central park so our future kids could enjoy some greenery.

I laughed at him, but the thought still filled me with butterflies. I was excited to share my life with him, even if that came with a price. Some people just didn’t like seeing him with me on his arm and they made a point in showing it. Just a few weeks after I came back, we made an appearance at some award show, the photos I was tagged in on Instagram were mostly nice, but a lot weren’t so. My dress was too tight, my hair done terribly, and I felt worse because I made those choices. It was me to blame.

Despite the weight I felt from those comments, I knew I could step away from it whenever I pleased. I don’t have to put up with it. No one does.

With the shelve decorated to my liking, the apartment was almost finished, there were a few pictures that I wanted to hang on the walls, but that could wait.

Two Years Later

“We’re having spaghetti tonight.” Sebastian called from the kitchen; he knew I’d love it. (The spaghetti, not him calling from the kitchen.)

The chill of the night falling over New York put me in the mood to get comfy. I climbed up the stairs to our shared bedroom, crossing the room to the closet. I decided to change into my pyjamas, a decision I did not regret as I felt the soft fabric on my skin. I investigated the mirror to admire my husky onesie. I look cosy as fuck and I feel cosy as fuck.

The table hasn’t been set when I came down to the dining room and Sebastian noticed my confusion. “We’re having dinner outside if you don’t mind.” He filled to plates with food and gave me a quick kiss as he walked towards the balcony. I followed him out to discover the table beautifully set with flowers and fairy lights.

“Oh wow. This is so fancy.” I said while sitting down opposite Sebastian.

“Thank you, I actually put a lot of effort into this. By the way, cute outfit.” I looked down to the fluffiness that I was wearing and in the reflection of the glass next to me, I could see how weird I looked. “Yeah thanks.”

The husky and the Prince.

We soon devoured our food and just sat and laughed while drinking an alarming amount of wine. New York has never looked so pretty; this might just be because Sebastian is the foreground of the scenery in front of me.

Suddenly, Sebastian stood up from his seat. His face lit up with a smile on his face as he slowly went down on one knee. I was just about to register what was happening, my jaw slightly dropping.

“Y/n.” Sebastian held my hand in his, a red velvet box in the other. “I never knew this day would come so soon. I always thought I’d be fifty years old, still looking for the woman who I’m going to marry. And then you came along. Standing at my door with your ridiculous robe.”

I chucked, tears swelling up in my eyes.

“So, will you, Y/n, do me the honour and marry me?”

I stared at him, the tears now rolling down my face. “Yes.” I breathed out.

He slipped the ring on my finger, a diamond reflecting a million rainbows in the light of the sunset, hovering on the horizon of New York. And it dawned on me.

I just got engaged to Sebastian Stan, and I’m wearing a husky onesie.

Sebastian decided it would be good for me and his sanity to hire a wedding planner, even though I told him I could handle it on my own. I hate having someone else step on my toes and interfere with my plans but listened to him anyway and hired someone who could help me organize the day and everything around it.

While I still had a whole month to prepare the final details, I was sure we covered everything necessary that involved the venue, decorations, dress and every other detail I could think of.

I shuffled my shoes from my feet and walked over to the kitchen making myself a nice cup of coffee. I got a text from Sebastian telling me that he’ll be home by eleven, filming dragged on until then unfortunately, but it gave me some quiet time to get back to going through my planner trying to catch any mistakes I made.

I’ve never really been one to dream of the perfect wedding, but since starting this project of mine, I felt my need for perfectionism take over.

I grabbed the little folder, my laptop and my phone walking to the couch. I snuggled into a blanket, putting my mug on the coffee table. After a few hours of flipping through pages and finding no mistakes at all, which was usually the case, I grabbed my phone, my thumb hovering over the Tumblr icon. I hesitantly tapped it logging into my account.

A thing I occasionally did was search my own name. I know I shouldn’t, but something vile within me couldn’t stay away from the opinions of others, strangers, online. I scrolled through endless amounts of posts about myself, cringing and cry laughing at some of the posts. The memes were the best part about it, some people were just too funny. I came across some fanfiction about me… yes fanfiction… about me, skimming over the words. They weren’t bad… it was just a little strange reading it myself, but who am I to judge? I wrote fanfiction about the same man I am engaged to once a few moons ago. Ok more like a year ago, but my point still stands. I can’t judge.

But all fun had to come to an end when I stumbled upon posts about me that just weren’t so nice to look at. Some poking fun at my body, the way it looked in a certain outfit I wore while I was out with Sebastian, some straight up telling me how old I looked and some saying that I’m just not the right fit for him. I couldn’t say they hurt, but a little part of me, the very insecure one, believed them. But something I haven’t come across yet popped up right after all that was a post about me being a fan.

I was slightly intrigued, pondering in my head whether I wanted to read it or not. I could shut my phone off right now, I could step away from this and breathe, but something pulled me in, sucked me right in.

I couldn’t say the post was disgusting nor was it far away from the truth the further I read. The person articulating themselves very well. My stomach turned and twisted.

-I’m just asking myself how she fell in love with Sebastian? How can she know for sure that what she feels for him is actually love? If I got together with him, I would ask myself this. Even if it hurts, I would still question my feelings towards him. Is it actually love, or just the fan inside writing its own fanfiction? And let’s take this even further, they’re getting married… what if she realizes that after all, what she was feeling wasn’t love, it was just the fangirl inside, fulfilling her own fanfiction?-

What if… I’m not in love, but rather satisfying the fangirl within me.

I awoke to the soft morning light peeking through the white thin curtains, a weight on my middle pulling me closer to the body laying next to me. Sebastian laid on his stomach, his arm draped over my back, his hand gripping my waist as he exhaled deeply. He was in a deep slumber, but still keeping me at his side which made it impossible to move away from him.

I worked hard on removing his arm from my body to climb off of the bed, looking back at Sebastian as he shifted in the bed, rolling over to his back. I walked over to the bathroom connected to the bedroom to proceed my morning routine. I took off my baggy shirt and underwear, stepping into the shower to wash off the sweat of the night. Sebastian surely knows how to keep me up to a time where I should be sleeping.

I felt my muscles relax under the warm water, my hands gently massaging my body with fruit scented soap.

I left the shower, wrapping a towel around me, to turn my attention to my skincare routine, washing my face, putting on my serum and moisturizing my face. The door opened to Sebastian walking in, hugging me from behind, kissing my shoulder.

“Good morning, love.” He said, sleep sill in his voice. Sebastian stepped into the shower and I changed back into the comfortable shirt.

I made breakfast for the both of us before I had to get to work, Sebastian had a day off and I envied him for it.

We ate breakfast and I headed to work, but not before Sebastian pulled me into his arms, kissing me passionately. He took my left hand admiring the diamond ring on my finger. “I love you.” He said and I was out the door.

I arrived at work, dropping my bag on the desk, since the summer holidays were on their way, so are the people wanting to get away with their children and spouses alike. I turned my computer on preparing myself for the eight hours of recommending hotels, flights and things to do at their destination.

My boss, Linda, walked up to me an apologetic look on her face. I braced myself for what’s to come.

“Good morning, Y/n.” She sat down in front of my desk, a sandwich on a plate on her lap.

“Morning. What’s on the menu for today? Anything special?”

Linda laughed, dropping her head. “Y/n, I have to ask a favour. I know your wedding and honeymoon are on their way, but there was an incident. By the way, how’s the planning and your husband to be?”

“Good… good, I have everything set, nothing seems to be missing but a couple thousand dollars in Sebastian’s wallet.” Linda found this one funnier, throwing her head back, almost dropping her sandwich on the floor. “What’s the incident?”

“You know how Beck has a habit of finding ways to destroy her leg?”

I nodded, calling back to the many times Beck has had issues in keeping her leg in one piece. Not that she’s breaking it, rather bruising the shit out of it.” “Yeah, I do.”

“Well she done did it again.” We laughed in union. It became an inside joke by now. “I need you to fly to London for three weeks to inspect and review this hotel right in the heart of the city. It’s under a new owner and quite a few things have changed, I could ask Annie, but she’ll need to find someone to watch her kid. Don’t worry, you’ll be back in time for your wedding, which by the way, I can’t wait for. I already have my dress!”

I stared at her for a second. A trip to London was the last thing I thought I’d be doing right now, especially with the wedding just four weeks away. I pondered and the idea jumped around in my head. It would be kind of nice, getting out of the city, get my head in the game. Maybe think about my intentions of marrying Sebastian… try to find out if the fangirl inside is responsibe or not.

“Ok, sure, why not.” I smiled, Linda clapping her hands together, her Sandwich threatening to fall once again.

I arrived at home, taking my shoes off along with my coat. Linda gave me a folder with all the necessary information about the trip and all the points I needed to check out.

The only person that I now needed to confront was Sebastian.

I walked into the living room, seeing him sprawled across the couch, wrapped in a blanket. “Hey, babe.” I said while approaching him. I sat down and laid his head on my lap. I leaned down, kissing his lips tenderly.

“How was work?” He asked, closing his eyes.

“Good. Y’know, a lot of people preparing for the summer.” I pondered for a moment, trying to find the right words. “Seb? I need to tell you something.”

He sat up immediately, his eyes looking onto mine desperately. He took my hands into his. I knew he was worried.

“I- I accepted a job to go to London for three weeks, to inspect a hotel, I know this is very close to our wedding date, but Linda said I was the only choice next to Annie, and she would have to look for someone to take care of her child.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow. First thing.”

Sebastian exhaled deeply, looking away from me. “Feels like running to me.”

“Sebastian…” I squeezed his hands in mine. “I’m not running, nor and I going to stand you up at the altar, I just… have to figure some stuff out.

“So, you are running? What’s there to figure out?” “Did I propose too soon, should we postpone the wedding?”

It was me this time, exhaling, looking away from him. “I’m not sure if the feelings I have for you are my own or just an imagination from the fan I was- still am!” I looked at Sebastian, pleading for him to understand. “I don’t want to leave on bad terms or move the wedding to another day. I just have to figure out if I’m going to hurt you.”

His gaze finally met mine and I knew. I knew he didn’t understand the way I hoped he would.

“Y/n, I know that you love me and There’s nothing that changes that whether you were or still are a fan of me, I don’t give a shit. But if this is what you need to steer your mind into the right direction and lay your worries to rest, then do it.” Sebastian leaned in, kissing me softly. “I’ll be waiting for you, no matter what.”

Tears threated to fall down my cheeks, I didn’t know if this would resolve the storm within me, but I knew this was good, for both me and Sebastian.

We went to bed, holding each other tightly, tangled between the sheets, his hands on my body feverishly roaming every inch.

I packed my suitcase with my necessities, suddenly dreading my departure. I got a text telling me that my ride to the airport was downstairs.

As I stood at the door, Sebastian pulled me into a tight hug, whispering in my ear over and over how much he loves me and misses me already. I looked up to him cupping his cheeks with my hands pulling him down for a passionate kiss.

“I love you, Sebastian.” I couldn’t cry right now, but I’m sure he knew I wanted to.

He kissed the back of my left hand, his gaze lingering on the ring. “Come back and marry me, Y/n. I want to be your husband more than I wanted to be anything else.”

“I will.”

“I love you, Y/n.”

With that, I was out of the door, into the elevator. Mentally preparing myself.

London, here I come!

A/N pt.2: YES!! THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL TO THIS MASTERPIECE!! I have thought about it, consulted with @buckisthatyou about it and have come to the conclusion that I need to write it. And because we all want to know what it’s called:

House. It will be called house and no one can stop me.

Anyway, since I already wrote a Thank You post I will keep it short and sweet.

Thank you all for waiting for me to write this. If i had written it earlier, I probably would've not come up with a sequel. So everything has a purpose... right?

Thank you for reading and I will see you in

House!

#Sebastian Stan #sebastian stan fluff #sebastian stan fanfiction #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x you #sebastian x reader #sebastian x you #sebastian stan fic #sebastian stan angst #nimi writes

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onewaywardwitch · 4 years

Text

Wedding Crashers

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Summary: You should have known better than to think your clumsiness would disappear for one night.

Word Count: 1656

Warnings: Language? Pure fluff

A/N: This summary sucks but I think I might finally be over my writer’s block? (!)

Tony was nothing if not thorough on a regular basis, and his wedding day was no exception. No one was surprised when he had given everyone strict instructions, including being polite to all his guests, a well-groomed appearance, and making sure Pepper’s mother didn’t get absolutely smashed as she tended to at social events.

But lucky you got your own set of rules.

“Just don’t break anything. Don’t cause a scene. And definitely don’t accidentally fire a gun,” Tony had explicitly stated, giving you a stern look while he made himself some breakfast.

“Okay, that only happened twice,” you defended.

He sighed, overloading his toast with an ungodly amount of butter, making you pull a face at the sight of it. “Look, the wedding is next week. Pepper has been pulling her hair out for more than two months now, and she really needs a stress-free week. So please, just don’t be yourself for the next seven days.”

You momentarily took pity on him. He was just as concerned with all the planning as Pepper was. And you were fully aware that you were the biggest risk to their perfect day. So, you promised you would be a well-behaved and perfectly presentable guest.

At least, that was your intention

~~~~~

“I'll take that, thank you very much,” you smirked, reaching across a slightly miffed Bucky and stealing the glass in his hand. Sam laughed at his expression while you just downed the contents of his glass.

“But that was mine,” he whined. “Go get your own alcohol. Or ask me to get you a drink too.”

You gaped at him. “I did! Nearly-,” you glanced at the non-existent watch on your wrist, “-twenty minutes ago. But the bartenders are refusing to serve me, thanks to Tony. He was very clear about me drinking. Apparently I'm a ‘messy drunk’. Not entirely sure why he thinks that.”

“Well, he has a point, sweetheart.”

Your playful bickering continued on, much to Sam’s amusement. It wasn’t anything new. Your incessant flirting had been the cause of everyone’s annoyance for months before Bucky finally asked you out, much to everyone’s relief. You nearly declined. You wanted to be the one who asked him out and it forever annoyed you that he got there before you, something he never resisted to tease you about. Contrary to the common belief, neither of you eased up on the teasing, but it was entertainment for all the other Avengers. Sam was thrilled when you both got together, not that he would ever admit it. He knew Bucky needed to get a life, and you were just the right level of ridiculousness for him. He was forever sending you coupons for a free couple’s massage, claiming ‘it’ll be good for your relationship!’

“God, Bucky will you pop the question already? You two already act like a married couple,” Sam laughed.

That one simple comment set off a number of events.

Firstly, you nearly coughed up a lung as you choked on your (Bucky’s) drink.

Secondly, Bucky knocked Sam over the head. With his metal arm. So, Sam naturally went flying off his chair with the force of the hit. Using his amazing Avenger level skills, he grabbed onto the tablecloth as some form of support, causing all the glassware and expensive cutlery to come crashing to the ground on top of him. Which, of course, drew everyone’s attention to your table.

You glanced at Bucky’s tomato-red face and did your best not to burst into laughter.

“I can help myself up, thanks,” Sam grumbled as he stood up, picking off a napkin from his shoulder, failing to notice all the stares he was getting from the disgruntled wedding guests. Tony was glaring right at you. You held up your hands innocently and discreetly pointed at Bucky who was trying to clean up some of the mess. He gave you a warning glance before turning back Pepper.

The rest of dinner went smoothly. You and Bucky didn’t discuss Sam’s comment. You thought it best if you didn’t. You knew you both acted like a married couple half the time, and after dating for a few years now, it seemed that’s the direction you were heading in, but you decided that the healthiest option would be to bottle it up and not talk about it.

You groaned as you watched Pepper walk onto the stage, hair framing her face perfectly, bouquet in hand. No, you weren’t a bitch for looking miserable, you knew exactly what was coming and did your best to block out Tony’s voice, no doubt calling all the single ladies to gather around.

They formed a terrifying crowd of desperate, lonely women, determined to get their perfectly manicured claws around Pepper’s bouquet. You stood far back from them all near the bar you were banned from with Wanda, leaning against one of the many marble statues scattered across the venue and laughing how it was a silly tradition that got people worked up for no reason. You noticed Bucky standing to the side, laughing at something Steve had said. He must have felt you staring and caught your eye, sending you a wink. You thought after years of dating you’d be used to his flirting, yet it never failed to turn your cheeks a bright pink shade.

You were so consumed in your conversation that you didn’t even notice Pepper throw the bouquet much harder than intended. It went flying over the crowd and everyone turned to watch it hit the back of your distracted head with great disappointment on their half.

You felt the thwap against your head and turned around, convinced Bucky had flung something to mess with you and see if you could get kicked out of the wedding. It was precisely three seconds after you picked up the beautifully wrapped flowers that you realised what they were and their significance.

You reacted exactly how a normal person would in such a situation; you screamed and dropped the bouquet. But it wasn’t just you looking at the flowers in horror. You glanced up and saw that your boyfriend had also shouted and was now pointing at the flowers on the ground, his mouth agape in shock.

You took several steps backwards, observing them as if they were a bomb. Or a spider. God, you hated spiders. You shook your head. Probably not the best time.

You were convinced you could feel the skin on the back of your necking burning off and surely enough, Tony was trying to murder you with pure willpower.

“Ok, this is clearly your new wife’s fault,” you accused, attempting to laugh it off awkwardly. “You honestly can’t have expected me to react in any other way. I’d consider this night to be a success with minimum disasters.”

~~~~~

“Well, this is far more comfortable than those ridiculous chairs they have inside. I mean, he’s a billionaire for goodness sake! You’d think he could afford some chairs with a bit of back support. We don’t all have the build of a super soldier with freakish bone strength!”

“Are you done?” Bucky deadpanned.

You couldn’t even be mad at Tony for kicking you out. You were just happy that you actually managed to last a few hours without causing a scene. You were now sitting on the curb outside the venue, nodding your head along to the faint beat of the music. Bucky followed you out shortly after Tony had you ‘escorted off the premises’, which was a phrase you were excited to hear, even if it was used against you.

He strolled over and sat beside you, throwing his suit jacket over your bare shoulders as he did so. You smirked, looking straight ahead.

“Is this supposed to earn you some brownie points?”

“What? ‘Course not, I'm just being a good boyfriend… did it?”

You laughed leaning your head against his very muscular arms. It was nice sitting there silently; not chaotic or overwhelming or boring. Simply… nice. Normal. Which was a rarity for you nowadays. Maybe you should thank Tony later for kicking you out.

You felt Bucky shuffling ever so slightly. The smallest of movements accompanied by a restless darting of his eyes to you and back again. You nudged him. “You good?”

He cleared his throat, obviously not thrilled or altogether comfortable with where the conversation was seemingly heading. “You didn’t really mean all that stuff did you? About marriage, I mean.” He looked away from you, staring back out at the empty road ahead while you kept your gaze focused on him.

“I… I'm not sure,” you replied. “I think I'd like to get married. Eventually. I just don’t want anything like this.” You gestured back towards party behind you, where you could now see Steve almost completely carrying an extraordinarily drunk mother-of-the-bride into a car, no doubt to drive her home on Pepper’s behalf. You both winced. It seemed you weren’t all able to keep every single one of your promises to Tony. “If we were to ever get married, I'd want it to be small. No expectations. No stress. Maybe Vegas! And we could just wear our pyjamas!” Your face lit up at the thought.

“We?” Bucky questioned, raising his eyebrow as he watched you blush once you realised your words.

“Yeah? Yeah- you're kinda the only person I'd ever want to marry.”

“Sweetheart, I'm blushing!”

“Oh shut up,” you laughed, shoving him off the curb.

He grinned, pushing the strands of hair that had fallen from his bun back behind his ears. “You realise there's a bench right behind us?”

“No!” you gasped, getting to your feet immediately. “The ground is freezing; I can’t feel either of my buttcheeks!”

Bucky smiled softly at you, watching you get cosy on the bench that you hadn’t even noticed, patting the small box in his trousers pocket and mentally thanking Sam for the idea.

Bucky Barnes Taglist:

@glitterypinkkitty

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grimelords · 5 years

Photo

My April playlist is finished! Please allow me to take you on a journey from the heaven of THP Orchestra to the hell of Inter Arma over three action packed hours. Specially sequenced for maximum enjoyment, there’ll be at least one thing in here you’ll love - I guarantee it. Listen here.

Good To Me - THP Orchestra: I've said it before and I'll say it again, the number one way to find good songs is to go through the whosampled page for Duck Sauce's 2013 album Quack because every single thing they put into that album is a bonafide classic.

I'm Your Boogie Man - KC & The Sunshine Band: I saw Jungle last week and they were absolutely amazing, and the venue started playing this song as soon as the house lights went up after the show which is an extremely good way to get people to not leave your venue and boogie instead. My favourite part of this is near the end of the second verse where he gets even lazier than normal with the lyrics and just says "I want to love you.. ah.. from sundown.. sunup".

Work It Out - A-Trak: I love this new A-Trak song that sounds like a secret lost bonus track from Discovery right down to that specific wah sound on the guitar.

Starlight - The Supermen Lovers: There was all this news last year that Music Sounds Better With You by Stardust was getting remastered and rereleased for its 20th anniversary and was going to finally be on streaming services that seems to have just.. not happened. It never materialized so now I'm stuck listening to the 2nd rate but still extremely good Music Sounds Better With You knockoff, Starlight by the worst named band ever The Supermen Lovers. The songs aren't even that similar particularly but that's just my personal feelings.

Girlsrock - Siriusmo: A friend of mine is a sort of expert on the whole Ed Banger mid-late 2000s electro scene and it's extremely good because he'll just send me songs like this every now and then that are totally sick and make it feel like there was somehow thousands of hours of this kind of music produced at that time and only the tip of the iceberg made it to public consumption.

11:17 - Danger: Somehow I didn't even notice that Danger had a new album in January but I'm finally listening now and it's a proper return to form and really, really good. This song sounds like if the haunted VHS tape from the The Ring was taped over an 80s workout video.

Ultrasonic Sound - Hive: I went to a 20th anniversary screening of The Matrix at The Astor and great news: that movie still kicks ass and rocks completely and has possibly gotten better in the two decades since its release. Someone had curated a really good mix that they were playing in the foyer after the movie and this song was in it. A heady mix of drum and bass and nu-metal guitar crunch that feels like a 1999 calendar picked up by a strong wind and slapping you in the face.

Homo Deus VII - Deantoni Parks: STILL loving and finding new things to love about this Deantoni Parks album for the third month in a row. I'm repeating myself but this music is just so good and feels so completely original to me. It's a great mix of complete technical mastery and the self imposed limitations of a restricted sample palette. Forcing himself to do absolutely everything he can with the sound and fairly well exhausting it over the course of 9 minutes.

Catacomb Kids - Aesop Rock: There's a good line to trace between this and Acid King by Malibu Ken where Aesop Rock's been thinking about Ricky Kasso for like ten years now which is interesting. There's lots of just very nice sounding lines in this like "Crispy the godsender who thunk over a quarter plunk to local Mortal Kom vendor". Just good weird word combos painting a very impressionistic picture of growing up. "deplanting cadavers" "zoo-keeper facelift". Very nice.

Mask Off - Future: I've never listened to Future much which is weird because he's very good but this is a song that just comes into my head pretty often. Metro Boomin's brain is huge and the vibe he created on this is just amazing. Wringing this sort of atmosphere out of the sample without sacrificing any of the trap beat at the center of it is such an achievement.

Old Town Road (Remix) - Lil Nas X and Billy Ray Cyrus: Everything that could ever be said about Old Town Road has probably already been written by now but my favourite part is finding out that the sample is from Ghosts by Nine Inch Nails which means it's also Trent Reznor's first writing credit on a #1 song. Absolutely praying for Trent and Atticus to join Lil Nas X and Billy Ray Cyrus on stage at the Grammys to perform this.

Claudia Lewis - M83: Every so often I remember just how good Hurry Up We're Dreaming is and listen to it on repeat for a while. It's absolutely amazing. Start to finish (except for Raconte-Moi Une Historie which SUCKS) it's just fantastic. I looked up why this song is called Claudia Lewis and it turns out that has an extremely good answer "I was surfing the web & found this website with space poems – Claudia Lewis had 3-4 space poems on this site. They were pretty bad space poems but I found it super moving, there was something very innocent about it. She’s probably super young like 12 or 14 but I don’t know her or how she looks or anything about her. I just know that she writes cheesy space poems."

OK Pal - M83: Every single musical element of this song is just perfect. I love the huge broad chords, the synth bends, the massive drums, the inverted Dead Flag Blues monologue. It's just beautiful.Little Secrets - Passion Pit: Passion Pit is currently on a 10th anniversary tour for Manners and I feel age 100 which is no good. But this song is good and it contains in my opinion one of the all time greatest drum fills after the first chorus. Huge, super air-drummable, and very functional: perfect.

Blood - City Calm Down: I think "I'm the one who wants your blood" is just such a great an evocative refrain and I wish he said it one million times more in this song.

Television - City Calm Down: Absolutely love the idea of writing a song about how bloody TV is the bloody opiate of the masses that sounds like a Clash cover in 2019 and sounding so deliberately out of the zeitgeist and doing it so well and with such conviction that it’s absolutely great.

I Am The Resurrection - The Stone Roses: We went to Andrew McLelland's Finishing School and he played this as his last song in honour of Easter Sunday and described it as the greatest piece of acoustic dance music he's ever heard which is honestly not a bad description - it's an absolute jam.

Daisy - Pond: It's very cool that there's like an evil, mirror version of Tame Impala that exists in Pond. I think every band should have that.

Crying Lighting - Arctic Monkeys: Basically the reason this song is on this list is because I got stuck in a loop of saying "your pastimes, consisted of the strange and twisted and deranged and I hate that little game you had called "crying lightning" in a Werner Herzog voice to myself and I thought it was funny.

Keeping Time - Angie McMahon: Angie McMahon is so damn good at songs and I cannot believe it! She's only got like 5 and they're all incredible. She’s gonna be huge!

The House That Heaven Built - Japandroids: Sterogum had a really good writeup the other day about Post-Nothing turning 10 years old that turned into a wrap up of why Japandroids are such a good band and why Celebration Rock is a perfect album and it really crystallized a lot of my feelings about them. They're number one on my list of Bands That Make You Want To Start A Band for a good reason and this article really nails the whole young men figuring it all out feeling of Japandroids' music. I really think both Japandroids albums should be called Youth And Young Manhood but Kings Of Leon already took that name. I remember when my friend first turned me on to Post-Nothing he said he didn't want to tell anyone else except me because it was so good and it was Best Friends Music and I really believe that. It’s best friends music through and through. When I saw them a couple of years ago it was as part of a sort of impromptu road trip with my best friend and I think that was the best context I could have given it. It's absolutely one of the best shows I've been to in my life and also Osher Gunsberg was in the crowd behind me but that's not part of the story. https://www.stereogum.com/2041439/japandroids-post-nothing-turns-10/franchises/the-anniversary/

Motor Runnin - Pist Idiots: The pub rock revival just keeps getting better and better. At the minute it's basically just Bad//Dreems, West Thebarton and these guys but I'm sure there's a million other bands bubbling under that are just about to break as well. I love this song, it's just straight up old fashioned pissed off rock and roll that somehow doesn't feel old fashioned at all.

Chains - As Cities Burn: As Cities Burn have reunited and have a new album coming out and I'm extremely wary of it because they're potentially ruining their previously discussed perfect streak. This is the first single and it's.. good I guess. It's kind of just normal and sort of outdated, a little bit of a step backward into safety for a band that was always changing and moving forward. I think I have a worm living in my brain though because I keep listening to it just because I really love the drum sound. They're very nicely mixed. Some very nice sounding drums.

Whacko Jacko Steals The Elephant Man's Bones - The Fall Of Troy: I was talking with some friends about young musicians because of Billie Eilish, and so we were talking about how Alanis Morrisette won a grammy when she was 21 and Taylor Swift won a grammy when she was 20 and Lorde made Royals when she was 17 and all that but what people don't realise is Thomas Erak wrote Doppelganger when he was 20 and it was his second album. He's 34 now and his music sucks badly. That's insane. What will happen to me when I'm 34? Chilling to think about.

A New Uniform / Patagonia - Tera Melos: I think Patagonian Rats is still my favourite Tera Melos album. Toss up between that and Untitled actually. But I love this one for how cohesive it feels. For a band whose whole ethos is chaos it's amazing how well it all comes together as a complete work tied up with a bow by the Skin Surf reprise near the end. I love this song because it's two sketches of songs tied together into one little chaotic lump and the big Primary! Secondary! finale is just so satisfying.

Talking Heads - Black Midi: Black Midi finally have actually proper recorded songs on spotify! The way Black Midi is getting talked about at the moment really feels like the days of blog buzz are back, it's crazy. If you haven't seen it yet here's the KEXP session that's rightfully getting them so much attention https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMn1UuEIVvA I've watched it so many times and it's really something. The best part is the comments are full of music dudes just naming every band ever. "this sounds like if slint, polvo and hella did crack and had a gangbang" yuck "imagine them opening for Swans and/or Daughters" yuck "they're like if Minute Men and Frank Zappa had a baby and that baby dated the child of Talking Heads and Can but then got dumped for their best friend who was adopted and raised by their single parent Voivod but they were cool and stayed friends and listened to Tortoise and Thelonious Monk and got stoned and started a band and conquered the world." yuck "Slint meets Sonic youth meets Pere Ubu meets drive like jehu meets Beefheart...these guys took all that is deranged and twisted in rock and made one big soup of it!" yuck. Anyway the point is they rock completely and here's my addition to the band names: the way he sings sounds like Sting lol.

Walking On The Moon - The Police: This song makes you dumb I think. It's like the dumbest song in the world and listening to it makes your brain mushier, which makes you dumb and stupid. It's very good.

Rubber Bullies - Tropical Fuck Storm: I saw Tropical Fuck Storm opening for Kurt Vile the other day and it was absolutely incredible. My first time seeing them properly, not counting the live soundtrack they did for No Country For Old Men which was was a whole different kind of amazing. It feels like Gaz has finally put together a band that can keep up with is ferocious energy and the result is scary - they basically tore the place apart which makes them a funny opener for Kurt Vile who was as chilled out, relaxed and fun as you'd expect. They played this song near the end of their set and somehow I hadn't really noticed it when I listened to the album but now I can't stop listening to it. It's so good. I love the increasing paranoia of the backing vocals, especially in the last verse as it builds and builds.

Taman Shud - The Drones: This might be the best Drones song. It's a list that's constantly being revised in my head but it's top 5 definitely. It's nice listening to Feeling Kinda Free now knowing what he was going to do with Tropical Fuck Storm because it's all here. Fighting against the constraints of his regular sound and regular songwriting and eventually finding the solution in forming a whole new band. I love this song for a million reasons but the escalation of the disregard is very good. ��I don't care about Andrew Bolt or Ned Kelly or the southern cross or the union jack” and you're nodding and then he says ‘I don't really care if you're a pedophile’ and you're nodding but slower. I get what he means in terms of media hype and whatever but it's still a very funny line. Anyway "why'd I give a rats about your tribal tats? You came here on a boat you fucking cunt" is grade A.

Dawn Patrol - Megadeth: The best thing about Megadeth is the sort of half baked politics. Dave Mustaine is the best kind of moron, he engages with everything at a gut level but believes he's being very cerebral about it at the same time. This little intro song about a nuclear post-apocalypse is so good because it's a legitimate warning and a response to legitimate worries but it's also like.. wouldn't that be sick if we had to wear gas masks and carry assault rifles around because all the nukes exploded and everyone was dead. What if there was zombies.

Rust In Peace... Polaris - Megadeth: The story behind Holy Wars... The Punishment Due is so good. "Mustaine has said that at a show in Antrim, Northern Ireland, he discovered bootlegged Megadeth T-shirts were on sale. He was dissuaded from taking action to have them removed on the basis that they were part of fund raising activities for "The Cause", explained as something to bring equality to Catholics and Protestants in the region. Liking how "The Cause" sounded as was explained to him, Mustaine dedicated a performance of "Anarchy In The UK" to it, causing the audience to riot. The band were forced to travel in a bulletproof bus after the show" I just love him. I'd like to share a Dave Mustain quotes about this song also. "I was driving home from Lake Elsanon. I was tailgating somebody, racing down the freeway, and I saw this bumper sticker on their car and it said, you know, this tongue in cheek stuff like, ‘One nuclear bomb could ruin your whole day,’ and then I looked on the other side and it said, ‘May all your nuclear weapons rust in peace,’ and I’m going, ‘'Rust in Peace.’ Damn, that’s a good title.‘ And I’m thinking like, 'What do they mean, rust in peace?’ I could just see it now – all these warheads sitting there, stockpiled somewhere like seal beach, you know, all covered with rust and stuff with kids out there spray-painting the stuff, you know." Goes ahead and writes a kick ass song from the perspective of a nuclear warhead containing the line "rotten egg air of death wrestles your nostrils".

Planet B - King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard: King Gizz are Megadeth now and I love it! The cold war is global warming now and we desperately need new thrash metal about it to save us!

Primodial Wound - Inter Arma: If you can't tell by me including three of their songs on this playlist I'm still having an absolute time with Inter Arma. Something I really love about this band is their ability to sit in a vibe for so long and expand on it. They're not songs with narrative arcs and multiple contrasting sections, they're songs that just kind of dig deeper on themselves. This one starts deep and then by thinning out entirely at around 6 minutes in only gets darker.

Howling Lands - Inter Arma: This song made me dream of a Dark Souls game where Inter Arma does the soundtrack. It's a peabrained thought but it's one that really got me thinking. This is boss music of the highest order: a song seemingly about itself and the hellbound denizens cursed to perform it in the arena of hell.

Sulphur English - Inter Arma: It's extremely funny to listen to this song a bunch of times and be completely blown away by the total power and ethereal majesty of it and then look up the lyrics to find out that it's about Trump in that very good way of putting normal thoughts through a metal lyrics filter "The charlatan sets his eyes towards the throne / tongue adrip in revolting ecstasy" "Sever the corrupt tongue of the imperious fool / silence the gangrenous root of his abhorrent voice"

Peepin' Tom - Courtney Barnett: When I saw Kurt Vile he brought out Courtney Barnett to play Over Everything as an encore and it was so good to see just how much a hometown crowd loves her. Everyone lost their shit! We love our good friend Courtney! I think I've written about this before but Peeping Tom is one of my favourite Kurt Vile songs and I think Courtney's version is even better. Her voice is perfect for it and she really has to show off her range to do it which I love. The super deep 'peeping' to the high cascading 'tom' is a perfect musical moment to me.

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sherlockxreader · 6 years

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A Time Of Change - Chapter Two - New Home

Title: A Time Of Change Chapter Two: New Home Summary: Ava Bradford. Behavioral Analyst of the Miami Police Department. Or former Analyst after the events of the past force her to journey to England and take up a job away from the family she had created. Here, she struggles to keep to herself and her life quickly takes over as she readies for her future on Baker Street. Author: Alexa @alex-awesome1023 Words: 3,352 Characters/Relationships: OC x Sherlock Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, Past Physical Abuse, Nightmares Author’s Notes: So I’m a very visual person when it comes to story telling, my fics will have gifs and pictures to best represent and hopefully help you guys see what i’m trying to get across. The chapters might be a tad too long but hopefully they go back to normal length but there will be some longer than others. I don't have a designated schedule for updates yet but I'm thinking every Friday or Sunday. If you have any question or comments please feel free to share. None of the pictures are mine, the credit goes to the wonderful people of google and Tumblr P.S. I’m going to post my work on @sherlockxreader from now on. -Alexa

Original Character Ava Bradford is inspired by Zoey Deutch. Enjoy!❤

After about five minutes filled with non-stop talk of the cab driver's life story about his kids in Kingston, and how he never sees them because of the wife, you try to pass the time by deducing him a little. You look at him from behind, noticing the traces of shaving cream behind his left ear. He lives alone so there’s no one to point it out to him. You look to the front of the cab and notice the photograph attached to the dashboard. Family photo of children, a young boy and girl, the boy’s face looks like him. It’s obvious there was a third person to the left of the photograph but it had been cut along that side to remove most of the woman’s image. Divorced, a nasty one telling by the frame; it’s new but the photo is old. He thinks of his children but doesn't get to see them. A father cast away. She took the kids, but he still loves them. How dull. His clothes are also old but they’ve recently been laundered. Everything he's wearing is at least, what ... three years old? Keeping up appearances but not planning ahead. Why? You make eye contact with the man and quickly smile. He returns with a thin grin but his eyes were void of anything, completely dead. As if you’re mouth had a mind of it own, it speaks your voice, prodding upon the cabby’s now exposed nerves.

“How long has it been since you’ve seen your kids?” You asked, focusing totally on him and his body language.

“Oh um…. It’s been about three or four years.” He said, his head turned slightly to the left so he could hear. Noting the twitch in his shoulder at your question as well as the clearing of his throat, you could immediately tell that this was a difficult topic for the man. It’s still hurts. Interesting. But there’s more, what is it? He’s a father that has been cast away 4 years ago. He still loves his family but doesn’t get to see them. His clothes are old yet preserved to keep up with appearances. What is i... Oh. Oh that… that is interesting. Very interesting. You couldn’t help but flash a small grin but hiding it before he could see.

“Is that around the same time they told you that you were sick?” It was more of a statement then a question. You locked eyes with him and you see his eyes change.Your phone sounding an alert that you have an email breaks the stares you both share. Quickly letting your train of thought go back to its normal pace, you turn your attention to your phone. You saw that your new boss, the Detective Inspector of Scotland Yard, had emailed you the files of the case they were currently dealing with. He was in need of your expertise.

Looking through the email, you saw that there were in fact three different files and you also noticed that the deaths of those people all appeared as suicides. You wondered why Scotland Yard would investigate suicides of all things but due to the media causing panic for the people, that was probably the reason. People had a funny little way of making havoc out of a grain of sand. Taking out your little black book for notes, you read through the files that were displayed on your phone screen, writing the important details into the book.

The first victim was Sir Jeffrey Patterson, a common business man, who was found at a high-story office building on an empty floor on October 12th in the evening. The cause of death was asphyxiation. You watched the press conference that was held the morning after where the wife explained how he was a happy guy who wouldn’t do this and about how this came suddenly - blah blah blah - however, you did notice the women standing on the far left of the screen, trying to hide tears. You smiled at the image. “The mistress. He was cheating.” This information wasn’t helpful at all though, judging from the behavior of the wife and the mistress, they didn't murder him.

The second victim was only 18 years old. His name was James Phillimore and he was last seen by the friend he was walking with the night of his death. He was found in a sports centre on November 29th. The cause of death, asphyxiation.

The third victim was Beth Davenport, last seen at a public venue and found on a building site in Greater London on January 28th. Death also by asphyxiation. According to the police, there is no connection between the deaths, however, there were sources that said otherwise, and you would have to agree.They all completely disappeared and reappeared, dead, hours later, all dying in what seemed to be in the same manner. But how did they all end up where they did and what was killing them?

You read through the case files once more, taking mental and written notes throughout the articles. You couldn’t think of anything practical that would help the case, well you did but you could do nothing about it while sitting in a cab. Trying not to get frustrated a yourself you locked your phone and took in the sights passing by while you could.

While looking at the streets of London, you thought of Will and how you and him would stay up late and talk about the future, where you’d end up together. You look down to the ring on you right ring finger, twisting it around out of habit. God how you wished he was here with you, congratulating you on going to London and getting the job you always wanted. He was always there for you when you needed him. Feeling a smile creep on your face you sighed, wishing you could go back to those days when everything was carefree and peaceful. When he was still here.

The feeling of the taxi stopping is what pulled you back to the present. Getting out of the cab, you looked at the building, seeing your new home… 220B. You helped the cabbie get your luggage out the back. “Thank you so much for your time and I hope you get to see your children soon. You should try talking to them and your ex wife and tell them the situation you’re in. Try to spend some time with your family, so you can cherish and treasure the moments while you can.” You said, smiling and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“T-Thank you miss, I’ll think about what ya said.” He muttered out, looking at you like you had three heads and told him to suck an egg.

“Is something wrong?” You asked, wondering if you got the fare wrong or said something you shouldn’t have said.

With a half grin, chuckling to himself, he replied. “Oh no miss. Nothin at all. I’ll make sure use my time wisely. You ‘ave a nice afternoon.”

You waved good-bye to the driver and bid him a good day, a genuine smile upon your face as he drove off. Looking up at the building of your new home, you adjust the strap on your shoulder and knocked on the door. Not long after, a woman in her late seventies answered the door.

Taking a quick glance you saw that she wore a lacy, high collared, black blouse, paired with a sweater and a purple shawl thrown over her shoulders. She was dripping with elegance. No wedding band. Does have engagement ring that's at least 50 years old though. The design and wear of the ring itself probably means that she was engaged but never married. Maybe she eloped when she was younger? She reminds me of Professor McGonagall from Harry Potter. Bringing yourself out of your deductions, you greeted her with a smile and introduce yourself.

“Hi, I’m Ava who called about the flat. I’m so sorry I didn't call before arriving, it just slipped my mind as I was reading my case files for work.” You took your bottom lip in between your chattering teeth in anticipation, hoping that you hadn’t made a bad first impression.

With a kind and warming smile she ushered you in out of the cold. “Oh that’s quite alright dear, please do come in. I'll make you a nice hot cuppa.”

Dragging your half frozen arse and heavy luggage into the foyer, you took a moment to look at the old, dingy wallpaper and the Victorian style of the whole ground floor, relishing in the dark hardwood floors and staircase leading up to the upstairs flat. Mrs.Turner closed the door and then lead you up the stairs to your new awaiting living quarters. Letting her lead the way, you both walked up the tiny staircase and you couldn't help but bathe in the Victorian setting of the stairway. It was old but also charming and homely. It was the change of scenery you needed. You watched as Mrs. Turner got out a key from the pocket of her sweater and unlocked the old, red, wooden door, the paint peeling in the corners. What a bold color of a door. You huffed out a laugh to yourself and followed her in.

You stepped into the room after her and looked around the flat. It was nothing special, having two windows that looked out into the streets of London. You noticed a sandwich shop across the street, next to a jet black door with a crooked knocker. How convenient but who puts their knocker on crooked? You looked over at the door next to the shop, squinting your eyes to try to make out the numbers above the infernal knocker. You could just barely make out the numbers.

“2...2...1B. So that’s where my aunt lives.” You say loud enough for Mrs.Turner to hear from the kitchen.

“Oh yes, and the very handsome and clever Sherlock Holmes.” You could practically hear the smile on her face as the words left her lips.

“Oh?” You quirked the corner of your mouth, looking over your shoulder at the older woman.

“You should see him dear! Very serious and so kind I’ve heard, at least from Martha.” You smiled at the thought of the two old friends gossiping about the man in the flat as you paced around your new apartment.

“It seems this Sherlock fellow is quite popular around here.” You said crossing your arms and leaning against the opening of the kitchen, watching Mrs. Turner finish preparing the cups of tea and a few cooki- biscuits. Biscuits. If I’m going to be invisible here I have to start using their language.

“I’m not surprised that you’ve heard of him so fast but yes, you could call him popular with the people he’s helped.” She said with a content smile.

“Helped?” Your eyebrow rose in question. “What do you mean helped?”

“He has helped many people around here. He is especially good with legal problems, he once helped your aunt with her husband’s murder charge in Florida two years ago.” She was turned towards you gesturing you to sit at the two person dining table. Florida two years ago? I wonder what part?

“He helped Mrs. Hudson’s husband out of a murder charge?”

“Oh no dear, he ensured it.” Your eyebrows rose into your hairline and your mouth gaped like that of a fish.

“So… so what, is he like a lawyer or a cop of something?” You asked before sitting at the table, sighing at being able to take the weight off your travel tired feet. Mrs. Turner had set the biscuits on a dainty little plate in reach of your hands and the lemon scented shortbread filled you with contentment as you took a bite from one of the sugary snacks. As you chewed, you couldn’t help but to ponder about the ever increasing mystery around Sherlock.

“Oh goodness no, he’s more of a Private Detective. He helps others with problems that need to be taken care of discreetly.” Mrs.Turner took the seat in front of you and sipped at the hot cuppa. So this Sherlock Holmes solves crimes and helps the locals with legal problems that need to taken care of discreetly... So a specialist. Interesting. “But he can be quite rude when he’s dealing with clients or people in general.” She added stopping your train of thought. Your brows furrowed at the comment.

“Well to put it simply, he’s a complete ass.” She said bluntly, looking over her cup before taking another sip. You couldn’t help go wide eyed at the women and nearly fall of your chair because of the sudden burst of laughter that came from your lungs. After all, you’ve never heard an older lady use such language, it took you by surprise. She giggled along beside you and when you had both calmed, she looked past you whimsically, a petite smile gracing her features. “But I will tell you dear, he’s a bit of a lady killer. With those cheekbones of his and his eyes… oh they’re going to be the death of me.” Your lips curled slowly, the gleam in your eyes akin to that of the Cheshire Cat’s.

“Is that a crush I hear in that voice of yours? Are you fond of this man, Mrs.Turner?” You asked with a sly grin. She seemed to come back from whatever daydream she was having, a rouge blush tainting her cheeks as she settled the teacup back onto the table. Your smirk only grew at this revelation and you just couldn’t believe it.

“Oh don’t give me that look, you will see what I’m talking about when you meet him.” She retorted with a light shake of her head.

“Well, I guess I’m gonna have to be the judge of that.” You said before sipping the now lukewarm beverage, feeling the cold outside wash away with the tea.

Relishing in the warmth of the moment, you relax further into the chair. You talked to Mrs.Turner for a good while about different things, like the rules of the flat and the rent, which weren’t a lot and manageable; don’t be loud, have your rent on time, don’t slam doors, and don’t block the walkway or foyer. Mrs.Turner, after a while, saw herself out to go take care of the paperwork on the flat. You took your suitcase up to your room and began to unpack, starting with making your bed.

However, the second you put the fitted sheet on the mattress, your phone went off, startling you and causing the sheet to flick up from the corners and tangle in the middle of the bed. You were scowling when you picked up the device, your face dropping as you looked at your phone to see ‘Unknown’ at the top of the screen, your breath caught in your throat. You couldn't push away the thought that came as a whisper in your mind. What if it’s him? You try to make your voice as steady as possible as you answer the call. “Hello?”

A husky, British voice came on the phone after a few seconds silence. “Is this Ava Bradford?”

“Yes… this is she.” You replied hesitantly, your grip on the phone turning your knuckles white as the tension grew.

“This is Detective Inspector Greg Lestrade. I’m calling about the case files I sent you earlier today.” The voice said and you physically relaxed at his words, the tension rolling off of your shoulders and falling to the floor as you sat on the unmade bed, letting a breath out of your lungs that you didn't know you had.

“Oh yes, sorry. Hi, um, yeah I got the files and have been over them. I was also told that I needed to come in soon. I can be there in a few hours after I unpack a bit if that’s okay.” You bit your nails out of habit and stared out of the window from the rickety bed. I need curtains.

“Yes well I was wondering if you could possibly come in sooner than that? It might be better if you got to meet the team before hand and see what evidence we have on the case so far, it might help you get a reading on it.” Greg said in an exasperated tone, like he just sat down after a run.

“Oh um… yes that shouldn't be a problem I just need to clean up and change. Send me the address and I should be there in no time.” You said trying to sound as content as possible when in reality you had begun to feel stretched thin.

“Alright I’ll text you the address and when you get here, come to my office and I will get you set up.” He said with a kind of excitement in his voice.

“Ok, thank you so much and I will see you soon. Goodbye.” You said, hanging up the phone without hearing a reply. Falling back and laying flat on the mattress, the still rumpled sheet under your head, you stared at the ceiling trying to calm your nerves. Calm down, you're not going to make it if you keep letting your fears and weaknesses show. It gets you nowhere and you’re not going to last. You can't break yet, not now.

Getting up from the bed and having a quick shower, you put on what you thought would be appropriate work attire. Your white “Boyfriend” fit T-shirt, a dark grey loose necked hoodie, and your pink winter coat, and your legs clad in a pair of basic, ripped, black jeans and you favorite converse you’ve had ever since you were a freshman in high school. A pair of black converse with little drawing you did in class AP Chemistry when you were bored. You remember when you got the generic sneaker like it was yesterday, your own quirks making them unique to only you. You had become apart of the family and the siblings wanted to give you something together, they settled on these converse because you had always wanted a pair. You remember the youngest, Nina, giving you the polka dot laces because she wanted them the be “pretty”.

As you laced up your peculiar shoes your phone alerted, notifying you of a message. Seeing that Greg had sent you the address of Scotland Yard with another message underneath.

It’s Greg. This is the address and when you get here just tell them your name and the receptionist should let you up.

You texted him back saying; Okay leaving now.

You grabbed your keys out of the little white bowl on the chipped, baby blue side table next to the door and left your new home, locking the door behind you. Mrs.Turner must have heard your footsteps coming down the stairs because she was coming out of her flat as you got to the bottom.

“Are you heading out so soon dear?” She asked as she saw you fixing your jacket to get ready for the bone chilling weather that awaited for you almost tauntingly

“Yes ma’am. The boss wants me there a little early so I will see too the paperwork later on. I don't know when I’ll be back so don't wait up.” You said over your shoulder getting ready to open the door but you paused and quickly stepped over to Mrs.Turner and engulfed her in a quick hug. “Thank you.” You whispered softly.

She was taken back by the sudden embrace but returned the gesture lovingly. “Anything you need love. Be safe and don’t be too late.” She said with a motherly smile.

“I will. Bye.” You said as you open the door and leave, immediately feeling the London air freeze your nose, making you hug your jacket closer to your body. Closing the door behind you and walking to the curb, you waved down a taxi.

“New Scotland Yard please.”

#A Time Of Change #sherlock x reader #sherlock #sherlock x reader masterlist #fanfic

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dailydoseofdipshit · 4 years

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Florida: America’s hopelessly flaccid penis

A few months ago, when I still gave a shit about Twitter, I found myself watching a flame war between a friend of mine and some dude from Miami. We will call him “Swamp-ass” for the duration of the story, as his handle was not interesting enough for me to remember.

I cannot recall where it started, as I wandered into the middle of it. Swamp-ass was telling my friend that Cleveland is a shithole and the teams we have will never amount to anything. How, and I’m quoting, “the founder of Miami left Cleveland because it’s so fucking boring”.

Now, to be fair, Cleveland is mostly a shithole. Some parts of it, such as the area surrounding Jacob’s field and the Gund, are quite nice. Diamonds found in the kitty litter, if you will. I particularly enjoy E. 4th street, as the House of Blues is my preferred venue for live music, a vice I thoroughly enjoy. And Mabel’s has some of the best barbecue in the city. And I mean ACTUAL barbecue.

And while it’s true that our teams, namely our football program, aren’t worthy of the respect the fans show them, the Miami dolphins are far worse then the Browns (in my opinion). At least the Browns admit they suck.

Dan Marino was the last interesting part about the dolphins, Swamp-ass. Get over it,

Oh, you’re welcome for Lebron by the way.

Florida isn’t all that great when you think about it. It’s a hot, humid, alligator-infested heroin lab populated by aimless elderly people and grown adults who knowingly do obscenely stupid shit because they’re either crazed or wasted out of their mind. Sure, the beaches are nice, but the people who inhabit them should be lobotomized. It’s either obnoxious college kids who think being attractive and drunk is better than actually having a unique and interesting personality, or disgusting examples of genetic failure that should wear a poncho to the beach.

And anyone who enjoys nude beaches should be crucified on the side of the road. With directions out of Florida carved on their shitty, flabby chests. I know I’m not attractive: I’m soft in the middle like baby shit and my man-boobs look like the teats of a nursing pig. Seriously I feel like if I take my shirt off, even alone at home, I’ll have guns drawn on me. But, being a people person, I won’t subject other people to that horrifyingly unattractive hell. They’ll have nightmares and I can’t have that on my conscience.

I forgot my point. Oh right. How much the sunshine state sucks.

Disney land is basically standing in line at the post office, said post office being at the summit of Mount Everest inside an oven.

The heat and humidity of Florida will cause you to sweat from places you didn’t know you had. If you walk out the door and your first thought is, “I should’ve put deodorant on my balls”, that area is not suitable for human civilization.

And here’s another problem: the fact that every year, almost like clockwork, a storm of biblical proportions ravages Florida for days on end. Hurricanes are much like your neighbor who mows his lawn at 3am; you can’t get rid of him and he’s an indicator that you need to pack your shit and move. But the people who live there don’t get the message. Your home is turned into a dripping wet pile of fungi food and everything you own has been destroyed. So, do you move somewhere with relatively normal weather, like Cleveland? Noooooo, you go right back to where it all happened and just lie down and take it.

Lest we forget the internet alumni known as “Florida man”. For those who have lived in a cave for the last two decades, “Florida man” is a title bestowed to Florida residents who end up in the news for the dumbest possible reasons.

REAL HEADLINE: “Florida man hospitalized after taping a bottle rocket to his penis”.

Anywhere else on Earth, ANYWHERE. FUCKING. ELSE. on Earth, people like this would be put into police custody as soon as possible.

Now, let’s check back with my friend and his ongoing fight with Swamp-ass. When last we left them, they were arguing over Miami versus Cleveland. Swamp-ass claiming that Cleveland sucks and Miami is great and completely different. However, the two cities have comparisons that are both noting.

For one thing, there’s a rich immigrant history in both cities. Miami is known for their Cuban-American population, Cleveland for the Slavic and Germanic immigrants which came over at various points. However, shit got built in Cleveland because of our immigrants. Miami just has a shitty urban plan and ugly skyscrapers.

Both cities have a claim to fame when it comes to music. Miami is the home town of rapper Pitbull, among others I couldn’t give a shit about. Cleveland, however, brought the world the very term “rock and roll”. That’s right folks: the beautiful art form that is rock music was christened in Cleveland.

Now, at this point my friend is losing his argument. So, much like the Knights of the Vale saving Jon Snow, I rode to his defense. I wrote to Swamp-ass, “you talk an awful lot of shit for someone who lives in a city that can be wiped off the map by an act of God”.

And, behold, Swamp-ass blocked me. So I guess I won.

Cleveland isn’t perfect. It isn’t flashy and loud like Miami.

But Cleveland is where I was born.

Cleveland is where I will die.

Cleveland is my home.

And home is always worth fighting complete strangers on Twitter for.

#humor #Cleveland

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cyndifferous · 7 years

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Kind of a Neverender Story

On May 2nd I attended my 10th Coheed and Cambria show and every day that followed for a month or so since then was a storm of emotions and fuzzy feelings. Every time I try to write this down I get annoyed at my own self and trash it so please bear with me. 5 years ago, February 2012, I got an email about Coheed going on tour like the dozens of emails that came before it since I discovered them only this time, almost 10 years into being a fan I finally decided it was time to go. "I need to do this, babe, just once. I need to get it out of my system, I'll never ask again. Just once." That's what I said to my husband before buying our tickets. I've been living this lie for over five years now, and there's no signs of stopping because every moment since then has been like living in a surrealistic bubble of "how did I get from there to here?" Plus I've won him completely over to the Coheed side, he doesn't even try to fight it anymore. We went and I got my first taste of what it was truly like to be a Child of the Fence. There were people in line with guitars singing Coheed songs, no one was rude, it was like everyone knew everyone else and in a way they did because I learned that every Coheed fan has a home in other Coheed fans. I ran in terror every time a band member was coming or going from the bus, amazed that they were so approachable as other fans said hi or got autographs. My brother in law had a good laugh at my expense when he said, "isn't the lead singer the one with the big hair? He's right there," while I stood frozen in place and I'm sure all the color drained from my face. I literally could not force myself to move. The show was absolutely everything I'd dreamed about and so much more. I found myself square in the danger zone of the pit, the crowd was insanely rough, but my eyes did not waiver from that stage. I planted my feet and turned all my focus into not getting sucked backward so I wouldn't miss a single thing. Every memory of coming to love this band, every part of my past life and the people I shared it with, every painful experience in my life that their music carried me through flooded my mind and hit me in my soul. Watching these guys perform with such zest and energy, as if it would be their last show ever breathed life into me, and when Claudio sang Mother Superior, my favorite song at the time, I wept openly and unabashedly while my husband held me tight. (Ok he was actually holding me up because I was not prepared for how physically exhausted I would be) After the show tons of people were gathered on the corner by the tour bus and I talked my husband into letting us stay despite the 3 hour drive home ahead of us. I met so many COTF that I still know and attend shows with today, people I consider "staples" because I always expect to see them in my corner of the southern US and they're always there. The crowd thinned and suddenly Josh pops out of the building and yells, "WHERE IS DOUGIEFRIZZLE?" o.O This Dougie character skips up, vinyl sleeve in hand (an OG IKS pressing), gets it signed by Josh, gives him a huge hug, explains that he's been waiting forever for Josh to rejoin the band because he was missing only his signature. As it turned out, Doug had tweeted to him that he needed him to sign and Josh being the amazing human he is came out to make it happen. Josh hung out for a bit, talking to everyone, signing things and posing for pictures, even gave one guy a beer from the bus because he said that's all he wanted. I was still terrified and I'm pretty sure I didn't speak. Some time around 2 am, what was once a crowd of us had thinned to about 25 of us; venue security had gone home no doubt believing that we are all insane, and my brother in law had long since retreated to the car to sleep. Coheed's tour manager, Pete, came off the bus and in a very no-nonsense manner gave us the news we'd been waiting for, that the band was going to come out for a meet and greet. At 2 am. In downtown Birmingham. WHAT!! "Have your cameras out, I will take your pictures, if you want something signed have it ready. Any shenanigans and we're getting back on the bus." I didn't have any words for them, except that Zach didn't come out so I requested that. He came and said "I didn't think anyone would want me to," so humble and sweet that man is. I left after getting my pictures and my ticket signed (by all but Josh) and when we passed back by I yelled "I love you Claudio" out the car window and I still cringe when I think of that, hahaha! I didn't sleep that night, how do you just go to sleep when you can feel your life slowly pulling into focus? I love my husband and my children, but I'm a stay at home mom and it can really be the pits sometimes despite the fact that I know I'm extremely lucky to be able to be home with them. At this particular time in my life things were out of whack for me, not as badly as they would come to be, but enough that my own worth already felt unimportant and lost in the repetitiveness of my boring existence. I revitalized a twitter account I had created a few years before and never tweeted from and went on a follow frenzy. I filled the void left by being stuck at home all the time with Coheed fans. I finally had a place to let me be myself, not wife or mommy, just Cyndi. Not only that, but I found hundreds of people just like me: totally invested in Coheed and Cambria, excited about it all the time, where the conversation never ended. People from all over the world, different ages, and from every walk of life you could imagine. What I found was my second home. Thus Cyndifferous was born and I'm onto the meat of my story. In the Coheed community, 10 shows is a drop in the bucket for a lot more fans than you would think, so while I'm personally celebrating that accomplishment, what I came here to talk about isn't that at all. I want to talk about the fans, my friends, my people. I threw myself into the community, dubbing twitter my own personal Heedfeed. I'm always excited about Coheed and when other people are excited too it bleeds back into me and doubles it. I'm pretty sure that I have organs and a nervous system that keep me living, but I'm also pretty sure that without Coheed & the COTF it would all cease to function. I'm a people person and the COTF community welcomed me with open arms. I started using keyword searches to find new friends, and also to share excellent content that may have otherwise been missed. What's great about our community is that even when the band is taking time off, or there's a lull while waiting for movement, there's still ample things to talk about and no shortage of people to talk to. Over the last 5 years in all my personal ups and downs, no matter the distance, I always had my cotf friends for support. When I'm bored, they're there. When I'm sad, they're there. When I'm ecstatic or miserable or anywhere in between. We even get excited about each other's upcoming shows, merch scores, and personal victories. There is no room for jealousy in Heaven's Fence. No room for egos and competition, because we're all so busy looking out for one another and having each other's backs. As true and steady as the keywork that holds Heaven's Fence in place. I've never not felt like the COTF community is my place in the world, my little niche, a safe space for everyone who shares the love for this band that gave us so much just by existing. I mentioned earlier that I've been in a whirlwind of emotions since the show and it's time to clarify. Since the moment I came on board this community I have never felt unwelcome, not even when I would rack up 1,000 tweets in a day or live tweet lyrics to two or three albums in a night. Not even when I parted ways with one project after another, some with an uproar, others a silent exit. Not even when I was constantly asking questions because, let's face it, there's a lot to know about Coheed, it's counterparts, and it's members. People like Neesh who have been around the community seemingly since the beginning of time and who are still enthusiastic and completely on board with welcoming a new person and bestowing upon them what feels like all of their knowledge, but is probably just beginning to scratch the surface. I remember laaaaaaate nights in the RadioXenu chat room with Neesh learning little nuggets of band history, staying up literally all night the night she showed me The Mours and some SUPER old demos from Shabutie & Weerd Science. (Neesh's YouTube channel is a gold mine just by the way) After all this time she is still active and vocal in the community, and still just so damn nice to EVERYONE, that's impressive especially considering how many people I've seen wax and wane or come and go. My point is, Neesh inspired me to always be that person, to always be open and welcoming and a home for COTF, most especially the new ones just hopping on board our particular brand of crazy train, trying to find their place in our vast community. The least I can do after all of the unexpected kindness that has been shown to me over the years is continue to pass that on...forever. Seeing Good Apollo I'm Burning Star IV, Volume 1: From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness live in all of its glory was an experience I could relive every moment for the rest of my life and die happy. In fact, I hope when I'm about to embark on my next life and my life memories replay that this night is featured. Literally everything about the day was perfect, the weather, the friends, the food. And as the night began it took a huge leap into epic, beginning with witnessing one of the most beautiful moments I've ever witnessed at a show. (I'm looking at you, Yui. And also at you Ern, you amazing human, you.) I'm sparing details because I came here to talk about what happened post-show, I think I've told enough show stories for now, ha! For me, approximately 60% of a Coheed show is meeting people. Internet friends, old friends, new friends, there's no such thing as strangers. This particular show was a "homecoming" of sorts for me because Atlanta is usually where I see my Coheed shows and the previous two tours I skipped Atlanta in search of new places and faces. I got to see people I have missed so dearly since IKS Neverender, including Tim, the very first COTF to ever show me the kind nature of our community at my first show, and also the first I'd heard of people who travel around the country just to see these guys perform their miracle of musicianship. There are not many things in life that parallel the joy of recognizing someone and saying "I KNOW YOUR FACE," even when you've only ever seen it in a tiny profile box online. And so begins a series of happenings that have filled my heart to the bursting point. My bestest friends & I, Jim and James AKA The Awkward Team, met up for this because we are separated by so much distance (Mississippi, Iowa, Florida) that we try our hardest to come together for shows at least. We arrived in Atlanta the day before the show and it wasn't long before our friend Ian reached out to see what we were up to that night. Turns out he was just handed a shitty life card and needed some company! We all met up at Buckhead Pizza Co, my very first day-before-the-show hang, usually I'm a lump in my hotel room the day before haha! We had so much fun hanging out in that pizza place, and being there for Ian to take the burn out of a real bummer of a situation was awesome. Even Nina Uber'd over to hang out with us! Our pizza hangs turned into parking garage hangs and we all laughed so much our faces hurt. In short, thank you for messaging me Ian, you made our night probably 10x more fun and it was great to finally get the time to hang out with you! The show was....I can't even find the adjective to accurately convey that particular evening. The energy was high in the crowd as it always is in Atlanta, but this one was unlike any other. We had full-venue waves going on, it took us a few tries to get the whole floor and balcony involved but when it finally came together it was unforgettably amazing. I thought I would regret choosing to be in the all-seated balcony for this show, but as it turned out the entire balcony was on their feet for the whole show. Give Coheed fans at least one square foot of space to move and dance in and we will do it. And we did. I've been to a couple of shows with a very laid back crowd, this was the exact opposite and that energy conveyed to the band on stage as they powered through one of the most difficult albums in their discography. They moved and grooved right along with us, with the biggest smiles I think I've ever seen them play a show with. And when Final Cut came up, Claudio disappeared from the stage and reappeared ten feet to my left in the balcony shredding a solo and letting a fan play his guitar. Those moments, when the band is floating on the energy of the crowd, when every note they play slams more energy around, when you can tell they're happy to be where they are and loving what they do are next-level. If we could bottle up the energy from a show like that we could live forever on it. I may never experience another show quite like that one, but if not I won't be at a loss because it was immortalized on Coheed TV and I revisit it often. https://youtu.be/aLkoNo5f-r4 After the show I always hang around outside, its prime time to talk about the show, meet up with people you missed beforehand, and sometimes even catch an impromptu meet and greet. I was sitting down in the parking lot because even though I had a balcony seat I was on my feet dancing, jumping and moving around during the entire set. It wasn't long after the show that a gentleman approached me and introduced himself as someone from twitter and thanked me for....being me? I'm trying to stay clear of personal vanity, but he thanked me for being kind and and friendly online, told me I was the first COTF he followed, and it was truly awesome to meet him. He flew all the way from Kansas to come to the Atlanta show! I live and breathe for moments like that, when internet and real life collides unexpectedly and someone expresses their gratitude for me. I can dish out compliments all day long, but taking them is hard for me because I'm just a potato of a person who loves Coheed. What I do is not a special skill or talent, I just love to talk and I happen to have a ton of free time to do that with. So thank you, carnacolypse! I catch a fair amount of grief sometimes from my family for the amount of time I spend online, and those moments where someone tosses me appreciation for that, even though I'm just doing what I do, makes the sting of that grief go away. I'm just a girl in Mississippi, I've said it all along and I'll continue to say it forever. I am not special in any way, but my friends sure do make me feel that way. Not overshadowing all of the other COTF I got to meet for the first time that day, including Alison who came all the way from Canada and started her epic multi-date heedtrip at the Atlanta show! Coming home after a heedtrip is hard. Post-Coheed depression is a very real thing for a lot of fans. I love my kids, and I miss them like crazy when I'm away, but I see them every day of the year, my cotf friends get 2, 3 or 4 if I'm SUPER lucky and coheed busts out a secondary market tour. Sometimes it's not so bad, but this time I was missing my awkward team and sad that the Neverender I felt like I'd waited a lifetime was now officially behind me. A tough pill to swallow. I stayed horizontal pretty much all of Thursday. As always though I fell back into the swing my boring existence, empowered by the task of staying positive and continuing to share and discuss the events of Coheed's continuing tour. A new Tales From The Grail Arbor video drops every so often and this sounds silly, but it hypes me right back up again. Dirty Ern has a way with photos and videos, capturing moments that flood you with memories of your own adventures while enjoying clips of someone else's. I've teared up with joy during almost all of the 16 episodes that have come out so far. PLUG- if you haven't subscribed to Coheed's YouTube do that right now, CoheedTV is everything you love about Coheed DVDs but free and is also a comprehensive behind-the-scenes look into what tour life is like. There are still more episodes on the way. https://www.youtube.com/user/OfficialCoheed -ENDPLUG The reality is though, that the joy of being a COTF never really stops coming, even when the post-show sadness tries to sink into my soul. This community is everlasting. The connection is always there, no matter the distance. There's always something happening, someone talking, lives being lived under the precious veil of COTF life. (It's not just a band after all, it's a lifestyle) So while the post-Coheed funk comes hard and fast and devastating, it lifts quickly enough and you propel forward into the next big thing. For me, watching the next wave of excitement when the U.K. leg of the tour started was pretty epic. Following their heedtrips as they come together from so many different countries is amazing. But currently, that's excitement that Coheed is returning to the Amory Wars storyline with their next album (YAY!), the knowledge that Josh is hard at work on a couple of different and very exciting musical endeavors (one of which I was lucky enough to hear a sample of and you people should be over the moon excited for it), and of course the upcoming Chonny and Clyde project. Not to mention, we're still not quite halfway through the release of the long awaited Good Apollo comics, and each issue brings with it another wave of fun because this series is incredible and extremely well done. Truth be told there's always something around the next corner with this band and their members, and that's a big reason why I love being a fan of these people and their art. It's now been almost 3 months since Neverender in Atlanta. The tour has long since finished, SDCC has come and gone, and once more the quiet waiting has settled in. The lull. But today is my birthday, and I can't even put into words how incredible it is to wake up to a flood of birthday greetings from literally all over the world. Close friends and acquaintances the same took time out of their days and lives to wish me well on my birthday and the gratitude and love I feel every single year takes my breath away. It doesn't get old, it never fails to put the biggest smile on my face. In reality my birthday is just another day, but the hundreds of people that I've met, or will soon meet, or may never meet make this day special. It serves as a reminder that I have found my home in another place. I am a person with more to offer than the hundred jobs that fall under the stay-at-home-mom blanket title. It carries its own joy, but knowing that I still exist as a person apart from that is a gift because I have lost that before. There isn't another community in the entire universe I would rather be a part of than this one. I hold great pride in all of you, my friends who keep me going, who share my life with me and allow me to share in yours. Thank you with my whole heart, and thank you Coheed for doing what you do and caring about your fans and putting so much of your time and effort into making sure each move you make is bigger and better than the last. You boys are a rare gift, and your fans know that fully well with everything you do. **Disclaimer: I wrote this a little at a time so my apologies for any errant or incoherent parts, or anything I may have left out. "Words don't come with ease."

#coheed and cambria #neverender #good apollo i'm burning star iv #atlanta #cotf

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

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48. I Could Have Lied

Hey!

So here is the new chapter. I had a lot of time for writing this weekend.

I hope you like it and don’t hate me for this ending.... :)

________

„Good morning my love“ Josh woke me up this morning. I was surprised because it was still early in the morning. But it was my birthday so I wasn’t mad at him for waking me up. “I wish you a happy, happy birthday” he said and kissed me. “May aaaaaaall your dreams come true!” he smiled. “Thank you so much” I said a bit overwhelmed by it. He didn’t only wake me up, he also brought me breakfast to our bed. “I wanna spend the whole day with you only. But first, let’s have delicious breakfast!” he grinned. He made everything I love so much. I mean, I’m a total breakfast lover. I just love pancakes, eggs, toast, bread. I love bread but it’s not easy to get here in the States. But a few miles away from Josh’s house there is a German bakery and sometimes he drives there to get us some German bread. “It’s sooooo good!” I said while eating my jelly bread. “I’m happy to make you happy with such modest things” “See, I’m very easy to get along with, right?” “Of course!” he smiled. “Sorry that I didn’t organize a surprise party this year” he grinned. “Oh it’s totally okay. Last year’s party was great and if you would do it every year it wouldn’t be something special anymore” “You’re right!” he said. “So, what about having a walk or even doing a hike later?” “Sounds great!” I agreed.

So we drove to the San Bernardino National Park and did a hike. When we arrived at a beautiful overlook we did a break and had some lunch we brought with us. It was the best idea we had in a long time to do this hike. “Wow, what a beautiful landscape” I said. “I’ve never been here before” “Really?” Josh asked surprised. “Never?” “No….I know it sounds funny because if you grew up in LA you think that people did see everything of the city but it’s not true” “Yeah, I’m living here for nearly 37 years now and I didn’t see everything” Josh agreed. “Although I saw a lot of small fucked up clubs” he joked. We just sat there watching the nature just being nature. I loved places like this where you can only be yourself, no one who bothers you and no one who wants you to do anything. “You know” Josh suddenly started saying. “I know we had some tough months and I’m sorry that I didn’t talk to you. But I needed some time for myself. I had the feeling you already came to terms with yourself but I didn’t. I needed time, I still need it. I still feel the pain and the disappointment and the sadness. It hurts to loose someone, even if you don’t know the person. I mean, it was only a few weeks old….” I was surprised by Josh’s honest words. “I know….it’s not easy and I can understand that you needed time” I told him. “And I’m so sorry that I was on tour almost the whole time and I will be on tour the next year. This sucks so much. I wanted to be there for you but I couldn’t” “Josh, you were there. You came to the hospital and cancelled a show for me. That’s everything you could do. And I really appreciate it. You were the best boyfriend I could imagine for such a situation” “Really? I don’t see myself as someone like that….I think I’m not a good boyfriend. Most of the time I’m not there to support you, to live with you” “Believe me, you are. And since music is your job it’s totally okay that you’re away on tour. It’s what you do, what you love” “Yeah but when something really bad happens I’m not there and that sucks to know….” ”Josh, it’s okay, ja?” “Hm….” “Believe me” I mumbled and put my head on his shoulder. “You know” he then said. “I really love you. I always missed you on tour. When I came to Europe or Japan or then back to Canada I always wished you were with me….I know it’s not easy to handle. And if you will get a job really soon we won’t have time for that but….” he paused. He did mention it. Maybe I would have a job very soon because a few weeks ago a former professor of mine called me to ask me for a job interview after he read my application for a job at a university in LA. He was working there now and he remembered me from some years ago. So I would have a job interview in three weeks.

“So….I wanna spent some time with you on the road” Josh suddenly said. “I wanna share as many memories as possible with you. And for that I give you this scrapbook where you can put all the pictures we already made or we will make in.” Then Josh gave me a dark red book. I opened it and saw a few notes he wrote on the first page.

“E….

This is for you. For you and me. We already went through so much. So much pain, so much happiness and so much luck. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I wouldn’t have met you. You make me happy every day!

Let’s share our memories in Polaroids in this beautiful book.

In love,

J….”

Then I turned over to the next pages where Josh already stuck some pictures we took together. It showed us at Rock am Ring in the rain, in Belgium eating fries, at Roskilde watching Damon Albarn or in Berlin posing in front of the Brandenburg Gate. Now I knew why he took so many pictures lately. He already knew what he would give me for my birthday. I almost started crying when I saw all these pictures of us. All these good memories we shared in the last weeks that let me forget all this bullshit we’ve been through in the last months. “Wow Josh, thank you so much. I can’t find words for it” “Oh you don’t have to” he chuckled. I kissed him as a sign of my gratefulness. “I love you” I whispered. “And I love you!” he said smiling. “I hope we will share much more memories together in the next years” I said a bit lost in thoughts. “I hope so too but….it’s not the whole gift I have for you this birthday” he then said. “Okay?” I looked at him. “What’s left?” I noticed that it took him some time to finally find the right words. I think he didn’t know if I would really agree with his plan. “I booked us a beautiful hotel in the Swiss alps where we can hike and enjoy the nature on the two off days the Chilis have in October. Do you wanna come with me? It’s also around my birthday so….it would mean a lot to me if you would come with me to Europe again” “Ohhhh really?” I looked at him with a surprised face. I think I couldn’t refuse his plans. Although this touring world wasn’t really my thing I would be with him and that was the most important thing to me at the moment. “Sounds great! Yes, of course I will come with you.” I said and hugged him.

While we were standing there hugging I thought about our last months. He was right, we had some difficult times but every relationship has it. You become stronger if you can overcome those times. Maybe Josh and I needed some time to overcome it completely. Maybe I should enjoy our next weeks together.

Josh had two special concerts in the next week. Firstly he had to play with the Chilis an acoustic set at a gala at Flea’s music school, Silverlake Conservatory. I accompanied him and it felt a bit weird although it wasn��t the first time I was there with him as a date but I always felt a bit uncomfortable in the public. But it was a great show, they played some older songs and later James Corden (yes THE James Corden) did a speech. Josh and I had a talk with him about music and other things later. He was so nice and gentle and so funny. I even did a selfie with him and then he wanted to take a selfie with Josh and me together. I think James Corden was one of the funniest people I’ve ever met.

The next concert was only one day later in Palm Springs where Josh played together with Bob Forrest and some of his friends a few old Bicycle Thief songs. I liked the show and Josh seemed to enjoy it as well. Bob told many funny and also crazy stories about his life as a musician and about life in general. Later that night Josh and I drove home and packed our bags for the next Europe tour leg.

We landed in Spain and although we were very tired we went out to take a walk through Madrid. But since we were both very jet lagged we only had dinner at a fancy restaurant in the old city and then went back to the hotel. I spent most of the next day on my own because Josh had a lot of press to do. Between two interviews he did he managed to have lunch with me before he had another interview at the venue. Later that night I went back to the arena where the Chilis played two sold out shows. I wasn’t on my own because at the first night I met Sam’s girlfriend Linda. So we ordered some beer and danced along to the music. I wondered who the two young girls were who were dancing and filming the whole concert at the side of the stage. Linda told me that one of them was Anthony’s new girlfriend. Wow, they must’ve been only 18 I thought. The crew and the band traveled to Barcelona where Josh and I visited some art museum and spent some time at the beach. I really liked Barcelona. It’s great when a city is located at the ocean so you have everything you need: the urban feeling with a lot of people but also the relaxing holiday feeling at the beach. Just like in LA.

October

After the concerts in Barcelona Josh and I went to Swiss to the hotel he booked for us. We had two beautiful off days there and really made use of the little time we had there. We took a flight right after the last Barcelona gig and landed in Zurich in the middle of the night. Then we took the train to the little town in the alps. We arrived there in the early morning. The mountains were kissed by the sun and the sky was so blue I just wanted to melt in it…It was also October 3rd so I congratulated Josh on his birthday. I think I never ever congratulated him so early on the day. We sat there for a while on our hotel balcony just watching the sun kissing the mountains. I never wanted this moment to end.

After only a few hours of sleep we directly started our first of two hikes in the mountains. We did a break at a small mountain hut and enjoyed some Kaiserschmarrn. The next hike on the second day brought us to a beautiful lake in the mountains. It was still hot here in Europe although it was already October. So we decided to swim a little bit in the lake. The water was fucking cold but we didn’t care. I think I’ve never felt so close to nature before – okay maybe when we were in Iceland. We went back to the hotel with wet clothes and spent our last night off before the touring circus would continue in the spa area of the hotel.

The Chilis played two shows in Zurich but after the second show I had to take my flight back to LA because of my job interview. I felt like being a teenage girl again when Josh brought me to the airport and we hugged and kissed us goodbye. I really didn’t want to leave him now. We had a great time here in Europe in the last days and somehow I had the feeling that it would never feel like this again. I didn’t know why but I think we were both very happy during the last days. I wondered if this happiness would come back to us or if it was only a one hit wonder. I hoped it wasn’t. When I sat in the plane I started crying. Maybe I already knew that it wouldn’t be like that ever again….

A few days later – still a bit jet lagged – I had my job interview. My former professor greeted me and we chatted for a while until the official part started. The commission asked me some tough questions but somehow I could make it and didn’t feel that intimidated or petrified like I thought I would. The job would be a job as a teacher at school. Only a terminated job but I would get the opportunity for a longer contract. They seemed optimistic that they could offer this job for a longer time. After my interview was done I went out of the room and sat down at a bench. The next applicant went into the room. I think they invited 20 people for a job interview. I didn’t expect so many applicants here today so I felt a bit disappointed after my job interview because I think that my curriculum wouldn’t convince them. Some of the other applicants even started doing their PhD. I didn’t. But when I was waiting there in the lobby my former professor Mr. Bergenfels came to me. “Miss Puritz, it was great to see you again” he said. “I didn’t know you were living in Berlin for work after your graduation. Great step! I always tell my students that they should take an opportunity like this if they can. I know not everyone has the opportunity but you with your German background did it and that’s great!” he told me. I was shocked that he obviously liked my career progression of the last years. I’ve never looked at it like that. I’ve never seen living abroad as a big step in my curriculum because I only did it to get away from my ex Steve at that time. “Miss Puritz I wanna be honest with you” professor Bergenfels said. He originally was from Germany so that’s the reason for this German surname. “You won’t get the job at the university. Usually I don’t talk about this decision that open right after a job interview”. Okay, fuck. I think he saw my disappointment in my face.

“But I thought about it and….I need someone in my faculty” he then continued talking. The job I applied for was at a different faculty than the faculty he was working for. He was only in the commission who makes the decision in the end who gets the job. “So I suggest….maybe you wanna work for my faculty? I think you would be a good fit in my team” Wow….um what? Did he really offer me a job at his faculty? Okay where was the issue? “But it would mean that you have to do your PhD at the same time. Only then I can appoint you in my team. So maybe you’ll think about it and then call me in a few days?” “Um yes….sure…I….I’ll call you! Thank you Mr. Bergenfels, that’s a great opportunity” I answered still in shock. “Great. So if you’re interested you can call this number. They can give you all the information you need for a PhD in history at our university. You know I really like your curriculum and your attitude. I think you would fit in my team and I’m sure you will write a great dissertation. So just think about it, maybe think of a topic you’re interested in that fits to my faculty and then call me okay?” And with this offer he left me standing in the hall of the university. I was speechless. My former professor just offered me a job in his team and also offered me the opportunity to do my dissertation? I mean, I never really thought about it before if I want to do my PhD but….maybe I should take this opportunity?

Later that day I called Josh. He was in Bologna. I told him about the job opportunity. But his reaction was very reserved. “Great” he said. “Sounds like a great opportunity and you should do it if you want to” “Yeah, right? I still can’t believe it. I mean, I would have to work in the uni cosmos for some more years but….that would be such a great opportunity and the fact that my professor offers me the opportunity just makes me speechless” “Yeah I can imagine. Must be great” I had the feeling that Josh didn’t really want to talk with me. Or maybe he didn’t want to talk about this job opportunity? “So….I think I’m gonna call him tomorrow just to assure him that I will take the job. No matter which bureaucratic stuff I have to do to enroll at the uni for my PhD. I will do it!” “Great, do it” Okay, now he responded the same way three times in a row. What was wrong with him? “Is everything okay?” I asked him. “For sure it is” he answered me. “It’s just….I’m a bit bothered by some fans who were waiting outside of the hotel and filmed us” “Oh noooo I’m sorry….those idiots” “Yes but….I’m good” “Okay….I miss you. I wish I could be with you now. I wanna celebrate this job with you! But….we’ll do it when you’re back home, okay?” “For sure we do” “Good….so….how was your day so far?” “Just like any other day….we rehearsed and I had lunch with Sam…..the fans pissed me off here” “Hm…” ”That’s the negative side of my job” “But I bet the fans will greet at you and sing along at the concert later. Don’t think about the idiots….they just…..don’t think about them, okay?” “Mhmmm” Josh grunted. “Hey look Eileen, I have to hang up now. I’ll call you later before our gig okay?” Well, he didn’t.

I spent my next days grinning the whole time because I finally got a job. I called Mr. Bergenfels the next day to tell him that I would take the job and he organized some bureaucratic stuff for me and then informed me that I could start my PhD in January. I also had to teach at university as teaching assistant so I would be very busy.

I skyped with Josh the other day again. He was now in Paris to play three sold out shows there. I felt happy for him for playing in front of such a huge crowd. I asked him about his last days and told him that I was looking forward to the day he would come back home. Only two days to count. Although I really missed him I didn’t had the feeling that he felt the same. He seemed so absent and barely talked with me. Maybe he was stressed out and still bothered by some fans in Italy but….I didn’t know what was wrong with him. But I told myself not to analyze everything. This man was on tour for half a year now. I bet he was just very tired and exhausted.

When Josh arrived back in LA we immediately packed our bags and flew to Cuba. Finally we had one week in Cuba to relax. I remembered our fight about this planned holiday. Josh told me in August that we would postpone our holiday to September but he was busy again in the end of September. He kind of compensated my frustration about our cancelled holiday to Cuba with booking a hotel in the Swiss Alps. Sure we had two beautiful days there but I was still a bit disappointed that we didn’t find time for our planned holiday. But on our train ride from the Alps to Zurich Josh told me that we can travel to Cuba after his tour leg in October. He would have time for a one week holiday because the Chilis had to play a special Halloween show on October 28.

So I agreed and now we were laying at the beach of Cuba. Wow, I was so impressed by this country. After two days at the beach we went to Havanna and visited the old city. We walked along the river walk Malecón and watched some glory buildings of the colonial era. Surely we rent a vintage car and cruised through the city. We then headed to Trinidad and visited La Casa de la Musica. I could even force Josh to dance with me. I mean, everyone here was dancing to Cuban rhythms. We did a hike and later relaxed at the beach again. On our last days before coming back to Havanna we went to Santiago de Cuba and visited the fortress Castillo del Morro which is an UNESCO World Cultural Heritage. We took so many pictures on our journey that I couldn’t stick all of them into my scrapbook.

On our last night we were having delicious dinner and later went to a beach bar where we tried some cocktails and when the sun was going down we sat down at the beach. I laid my head on his shoulder and just enjoyed the moment. Josh was smoking a cigar and even I tried it once but I didn’t like it. While we were sitting there, staring at the ocean, I realized that all the good moments we shared in the last months were at places where we were far away from home. But every time we were back in LA we had problems again and fought a lot. I knew that it meant that something was wrong in our relationship and I noticed that we still didn’t talk like we talked with each other one year ago. It’s like something was gone. Something was taken from us, from our easiness. We always lived the easy going way but now we even started fighting because someone forgot to put the trash out. It was ridiculous but we couldn’t help it. It just happened.

“I think right now in this moment I’m the happiest person in the world” I let Josh know. “Yes me too….” He said a bit lost in thoughts. “Can we just stay here forever? Can this moment never end, please?” “Well….it will end” “Why are you always destroying my dreams?” I laughed. “Sorry, I didn’t want to…” he chuckled and looked at me. I looked into his brown eyes, his hair was covering one of it. “You know, I’ve never thought about visiting Cuba one day and when you suggested it I didn’t think that I would like the country but I fell in love with it immediately. I love the countryside so much….” I told Josh. “It’s just beautiful and the attitude of the people here is great. I love these easy going mentality” he said. “But in a few days you have to go back on tour and I will be home alone…” I moaned. “Come with me. One last time before your job is starting next year. I mean, you have time, haven’t you?” “Hm….yes I have. Do you really want me to come with you for a forth time this tour?” I laughed. “I would love to have you by my side every day of the tour!” he said. “Oh, don’t be so cute all the time…” I said and laid my head on his shoulder again. “Aren’t the others bored by the fact that you always have your girlfriend with you on tour?” I joked. “No, why should they? They like you! Flea is very happy that we’re back together and that we overcame this pain. I mean, Anthony has a new girl every tour leg but I don’t care. I mean, some of these girls are nice and kind to me but most of the time I don’t really talk to them. Flea will bring his new girlfriend to the UK tour and I bring you with me all the time I can” he grinned. “You and Chad are the constant, aren’t you?” I laughed. “Why?” “Because you have serious relationships going on” “Well, okay….maybe Anthony and his girls aren’t so serious. But maybe they are, I don’t know” “Probably” I started laughing.

Oh I didn’t want this night to end because tomorrow we had to go back to LA. But now I wasn’t that frustrated coming back home because I would join Josh once again on his Europe tour.

Sadly the night was over anytime and we arrived back in LA. Josh was busy rehearsing with the Chilis at the Fonda Theater for the Kroq Halloween Show. I went there together with Molly and Eric and we had a great time. I think I’ve never saw the Chilis playing in such a small venue before. It was very hot and tempting. I liked it! One day later we flew back to Europe. We spent Halloween in Munich. Josh and I went to a bar that was decorated very Halloween like. Together with Sam we had some cocktails and went to bed very early – right before the witching hour started.

November

The next day they played their first concert of The Getaway Tour in Germany. The Olympiahalle in Munich wasn’t crowded that fast. I sometimes looked out of the backstage area and watched the audience. While Deerhoof was opening for them this night Josh and I went to the side of the stage to watch their concert. They were kind of crazy and I didn’t know if I liked it or not.

One hour later the Chilis finally entered the stage. I watched their concert and got goosbumps when Josh suddenly started playing “Heroes” by David Bowie. The whole arena was lightened by flues or phones. It looked so beautiful. Also It was Anthony’s 54th birthday and the audience even sang him a “Happy Birthday”.

After the concert the whole crew had some drinks at a pub before heading to Berlin the next day. Surely Lara came to the show again. I spent my day with her while Josh was rehearsing and did some interviews. In the evening Lara, Felix (they weren’t official dating but I had the feeling that there was something going on between them), Josh and me went to a fancy restaurant in Kreuzberg. On our way back to the hotel I recognized a person jumping out of a bush running away. I didn’t pay it much attention because there were so many crazy people living in Berlin that I didn’t really care about it anymore. Josh didn’t seem to see it. But the next morning I was woken up by a text message from Lara. She also sent me two pictures.

“Hey,

Maybe you noticed it yesterday. I didn’t. But seemed like there was a paparazzi or so who took some pictures of us four leaving the bar where we had some drinks in Berlin Mitte. These pics are now posted on Instagram by some fan accounts. Even fans of Felix’ band posted them because you can definitely see him in these pics. I just wanted to inform you about it. Maybe Josh can do something against it and the pics can be deleted?

Love, Lara”

Then I clicked on the pics she sent me. It showed the four of us leaving the bar in Berlin late at night. While Josh was hidden by Felix’ head in the first picture you could definitely see Josh and me holding hands in the second one. I sighed. I knew he wouldn’t like it. But in the end he couldn’t do anything against it because even if it was a paparazzi it already happened. What should he do then? After checking out Lara’s message I opened Instagram and for the first time in years I took a look to the hashtag #joshklinghoffer. It didn’t take long until I found these pics there. Some fans already posted them and were discussing if I was his girlfriend or not. Well, I think holding hands is a good sign, right? I was rolling my eyes. I noticed that Josh woke up. “You’re already up?” he asked me and yawned. “Yes….we were photographed yesterday” I told him and confronted him with the pics. “Oh no….seriously? Who did these pics?” “I don’t know. I think it was a fan. I heard someone running away but I didn’t look who it was. I mean, we’re in Berlin. Here are living so many crazy people” “Yeah….well, whatever. Let’s have breakfast”

I was surprised that Josh wasn’t that mad about the pics. I think he tried to suppress it.

After the “Zephyr Song” debuted on The Getaway Tour in Berlin the fans were all pleased. Lara and I enjoyed the concert. When the show was over I asked her about Felix. “So, what’s happening between you two, Hm?” “Well, we’re just friends” “Yes of course!” I didn’t believe her. “You spent like….every day with him. I know you two already had something going on!” “I know….but we’re just….meeting….as friends!” she assured me. Of course, of course…..I didn’t believe her any word! Whatever. Josh and I had to travel to Antwerp and later to Amsterdam, Luxembourg and Cologne. This would be my last station because I had to fly back to the States to organize some stuff for my new job. The last touring days were kind of weird. While Josh and I had quite fun in Munich and Berlin – although these pictures were taken – we kind of were both mad at each other during the following tour. We didn’t really speak and he seemed very pissed off. I ask him why but he didn’t tell me. It was just his feeling right now he said. Surely we did some sightseeing in Amsterdam but Josh wasn’t in the mood for anything. So we spent most of the time in our hotel room. One day we wanted to meet for lunch. He had an interview in the morning so I waited for him at the hotel lobby. I waited 30 minutes, an hour, 1.5 hours. He didn’t show up. I was so pissed at him! I texted him and let him know that he behaved like an idiot. He didn’t even answer. I met Sam in the lobby. He asked me what I was doing here. I told him that I would wait for Josh and then Sam told me that Josh was going to have lunch with Ian and some other engineers. Great. He totally forgot me.

We fought a lot during this day and later Josh played a very bad concert in Amsterdam. I didn’t care. I wasn’t even in the mood to go to the concert but I didn’t want to be the pissed bitch so I went there, sat down at the terrace and watched the concert.

When we arrived in Cologne Lara texted me. Again someone took pictures of me and Josh. It happened in Amsterdam and Cologne. So it seemed like someone followed us around. I showed it to Josh and he even showed it to their management. Now it was a serious problem here I thought. The management discussed who it could be and when someone asked if maybe Josh’s girlfriend (aka me) was involved in it because she only wanted to have the fame on the internet Josh got carried away. He almost beat the guy up if Flea wouldn’t have stopped him. “I dare you to say this EVER again about my girlfriend, okay?” he said to one of the guys from the management. I didn’t say anything because to me it was just bullshit. I knew that I was serious with Josh and so did he know it. So I didn’t care about the guy’s comment. But Josh did.

When Josh and I decided to take a walk through Cologne to visit my grandma’s grave a guy from the security should follow us. That’s what the management ordered. Josh didn’t want it and neither did I but we couldn’t help it. So the guy followed us and in the end even he couldn’t stop the unknown person who took a pic of us again. I checked out Instagram after coming home to the hotel and saw the pic. There were even two pics that showed Josh and me at the cemetery. I found it disgusting that this person pictured us at such a private moment at the grave of my grandma. No one knew how this person could follow us without being seen. But this person must’ve waited at the hotel – undercover – to finally follow us around. Even the security didn’t see this person. So we decided to stay in our hotel until Josh had to leave to get to the venue. I followed him later. After the concert the van drove us back to the hotel and we left the car with our heads covered by sunglasses – although it was night – and our hoods.

The management of the Chilis decided to call the police because it was now a case of stalking. So the police came to our hotel that night and we told them the whole story. Surely, they couldn’t do anything but it was good to know that they were aware of the situation. The management wanted to avoid it that the media would get wind of it but it was too late. The next day a cologne newspaper wrote about the “Stalking case of the Red Hot Chili Peppers guitarist”. Well, yeah.

The day after the concert in Cologne was my last day on this European tour leg so Josh and I had to say goodbye for the next two weeks. Because of the current situation we decided that he wouldn’t accompany me to the airport. So we said goodbye in the hotel room and then I left to catch my flight to LA.

When I sat in the plane I already felt like a cosmopolitan. I traveled to Europe four times in a row in the past five months. It was crazy. I think I never passed the Atlantic Ocean so often in my life.

On the plane I thought a lot about the past two weeks. It was the first time I noticed how hard it is to live in the public space. Since these pics were posted on the internet I even got so many friend requests on Facebook and Instagram because suddenly the people knew my name. Surely all my accounts were private and I didn’t accept any of the requests of people I didn’t know but….it was weird. I wasn’t a person who was famous for doing anything special. I was just Josh’s girlfriend but now people wanted to follow me just to see how my life was like. Just to see if I was posting pics of him and me – which I barely did. Or how often I was accompanying him on tour. I couldn’t get along with it. It just wasn’t my world.

But on the other hand I thought about Josh and how we both acted in the past weeks. First everything was great when we were in Munich and Berlin but then out of a sudden everything changed and I didn’t know why. I really asked myself what went wrong here? Again…

Josh and I avoided each other sometimes. We barely talked. Again, we barely talked. It was just the same damn shit happening like a few weeks ago. I hate it. I was so exhausted of analyzing him and his behavior. Why did he act like this? I didn’t know and I was too tired to ask him again and again, all over again.

This was also the time when I asked myself for the second time in the past months how long I could do this. I think I wasn’t able to live in a relationship where my boyfriend acts happy the one day and is grumpy and avoids me the next day. That’s not a relationship to me. And that was a huge problem for me right now. On the one hand I kind of missed him – but did I really miss him? – and on the other hand I was pleased to fly back to LA because I needed time for my own.

We barely skyped or texted the next following weeks. Josh only sent me some pics from Vienna to show me what he visited there but that’s it. And I didn’t really care. I had to organize my own life. I had some appointments at the university for my upcoming start of my PhD. So I didn’t really care how often Josh and I called or texted each other. But when these two weeks were over and I remembered that he would come back in one day I realized something that scared me: I didn’t really miss him in the last two weeks. I was okay with him being far away. I didn’t even want to know how he was doing. But what did it mean????

When Josh finally arrived back in LA I welcomed him with a short kiss and we had some pasta I cooked for us. That’s it. The next days we spent together but it still felt like we were far away from each other. It felt like I couldn’t reach him anymore. I didn’t know what was going on here but I knew that there was something wrong with us, with our relationship.

One day I woke up and I knew what to do. I finally realized why I felt so bad and tired during the past months. Most of the time it was because of Josh. I was so sick of him not talking to me. Surely we had some great moments together in September and October but that’s it. A relationship that only makes you happy at foreign places far away from home isn’t a good one, right?

So I finally realized what I had to do.

I told Josh that I wanted to talk to him this evening. He came back from a day of rehearsing with the Dots. I saw that he was very tired but when I asked him how he was doing he didn’t say anything except of “Mhmmmm”. That’s what I meant. I couldn’t reach him anymore. So I sat down with him this evening at the end of November and started telling him what I had to tell him. “Josh” I said. “Yes?” he answered looking up from his phone. “I really have to talk to you so can you please put your phone away” “Oh, sure” he said and put it on the table. “So….Josh, please listen” I started saying. “I can’t….” I couldn’t say it out loud. My mind already knew what I would tell him and he was looking at me expecting me to say the things I wanted to say. But I didn’t. “Yes….um, what did you wanted to tell me?” he asked. His arms were crossed.

And suddenly without thinking about the next steps anymore I said it.

“I can’t do this anymore”.

“What do you mean?” he asked shocked. “This….all of it….” I said and pointed at us. “You and me. I can’t do it anymore. I’m so sick of trying to reach out to you but you’re not talking anyway. I’m so sick of skyping with you but having the feeling that my boyfriend isn’t really interested in talking to me. I’m sick of planning my life along your tour schedule. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the adventures and journeys with you on tour but I realized that it isn’t my lifestyle. I want my boyfriend to be here in LA. But you won’t be here the next year and I don’t know how I should handle it….” I paused. While I was saying these words I was wondering if I lied to him when I told him a few weeks ago that it’s totally okay that he’s on tour because it’s his job? Did I lie to myself?

Josh looked at me shocked. “I realized in the past weeks when you were still on the road in Europe that my feelings for you weren’t the same as they were a few months ago. I don’t know what happened but….I didn’t even miss you” I told him. Josh still didn’t say anything. “Josh, please, believe me. This was one of the greatest relationships I’ve ever had. You are such a great man and during our relationship I couldn’t imagine any other guy by my side than you but….my feelings flew away. It just did and I couldn’t control it. I think we should go different ways now….” “How can you say this?” was the first thing he said to me. “How can you say this? I love you and I will always love you….how can you say your feelings are gone?” “I don’t know….I wish I would….but….they just went away” “Eileen….seriously, I can’t understand any of the words you just said. Why do you wanna end our relationship? We were so happy all the time! Don’t you remember the moments we shared in Europe or in Cuba? Don’t you remember what we’ve went through?” “Of course I remember but….I have the feeling that it destroyed our relationship” “Why should it destroy it?” “Because we stopped talking. One year ago we were talking about everything that was going on in our lives but now….look at us, we fight about every little thing. It changed. A lot has changed and I realized that I can’t do this anymore….I just can’t! It burns me out every day” “How can you say this….I can’t believe you do this to me….” Josh seemed very shocked. I didn’t know what to say. “Josh, please believe me. I loved you, I really did. But I realized that my feelings went away.” “Feelings don’t just go away” he argued. “Did you meet any other guy?” “No….I didn’t. It just happened” “Wow, I can’t believe you do this to me….” He repeated. I felt so bad for breaking up with him. He had tears in his eyes and so did I. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made but if I was honest with myself I wasn’t happy in the last months. The first time I asked myself if I’m still happy was in August….it’s four months ago. I think I had enough time to think about my decision and I did the right thing. I had to end it until it would destroy myself.

“I thought everything’s fine when we were in Europe or in Cuba” Josh said. “Yes Josh, it was fine back then….but what does it mean if we’re only happy when we’re far away from home?” I said with tears in my eyes. “I….I don’t know” he said, his voice was very quiet. “I think we should stop here and go different ways from now on….” I said and got up from the chair. Josh took my hand and looked at me. I knew he wanted convince me to stay but I couldn’t. I had to go. ______

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davidfostercomedyblog · 5 years

Text

The Time I Bombed Trying to Open for Peter Frampton

“What happens if nobody laughs?” people ask.

“Nothing,” I tell them. “Literally, nothing happens.” No one is laughing or doing much of anything. Maybe self-loathing personified decides to occasionally kick the weak when he’s down in the form of a heckle or boo, but other than that nothing happens.

Internally, everything is happening. Thoughts race, feelings emerge, issues of anger and/or insecurity come to the forefront or recede deeper into our subconscious, per our choice of response to each varying degree of disappointment. Our feelings likely run the same gamut as those of all human beings off stage in any realization of failure on display. It’s the worst.

Call it what you will: Sucking, tanking, going down in flames, it all means the same thing. Eating my dick, seems to be the latest contemporary slang for a failed set, which I can only speculate refers to its being an awfully pathetic act of self-abuse that each of us least wants to do. Most universally it is known as bombing, another etymology I can only speculate as suggestive of the unanimous death in the room resembling that of a small village after being hit with a bomb. The crowd is “dead” - not in the good way; but devoid of energy, and their lack of joy has returned the favor to the comedian, his ego and confidence. Everyone is checked out and gone, said void filled either with judgment, sympathy or disgust.

Everyone bombs. Every comic you’ve ever seen, as well as just about every bit you’ve ever busted a gut laughing at, has bombed at some point en route to the marriage of its perfection meeting the crowd primed to appreciate it. The construction of a bit, whether long and ranty or a short one liner, is like the evolution of a barber’s haircut drawn out over weeks, months or years in a barber’s chair set on a city sidewalk for people from all walks of life and mentalities to walk by at all different times throughout its development to voice their opinion, as if it were finished. Of course, we’ve all had our hair cut hundreds of times, and thus all are aware that if we see the man with the clippers still looming over a funny looking “do,” there is still work to be done; whereas comics don’t get such a pass. Every audience assumes and expects, understandably, that they are receiving a finished product. I paid to see a show.Give me “your show.” Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. Wedo not work like that. It’d be nice if we could – trust that we wish as much as you do for our bits to be completed fresh off the notebook. But a bit is not a bit until it’s been worked out many times in experimentation of how it impacts others. Like skateboarders have to try new and increasingly difficult tricks to become great, we must constantly work out new material, often crashing and burning, breaking our pride, dislocating our energies, getting bruised in the process. So while all art forms are attempting to connect and create a dynamic with its recipients, ours is one where immediate connection wholly defines it. We have to see and feel how it is received, and then based on the quantity and quality of the people in that room we can begin to determine how we can improve. It is a long term, polygamous relationship in which you probably only get to fuck us once. Sorry. We’re whores; whores who are required to be always adding to our repertoire if we wish to grow.

For all intents and purposes, each crowd as they exist takes on the mindset of one individual. A blind date, if you will. Some start awkwardly, but turn great once the ice is broken. Others start wonderfully but hit a mutual wall of disappointment that leaves both parties considering removing their online dating profiles as soon as they get home. Some dates are downright awful the whole time, some are so good they lead to the bedroom that night, and/or to the altar eventually.

For a new/young comic, bombs feel pretty similar to what laypeople might imagine them to (this is logical, as the brand new comic is still very much a layperson). It’s humiliating, with every joke being thrown out more desperately from their heels like Apollo Creed going inevitably down in flames against the Russian. Like a rookie baseball player in the first week of the season who is so far 1/10, his sample size is still minute. He boasts an embarrassing .100 average, which over a full year would get anyone sent down to the minors. What’s important to keep in mind is there are still 25 weeks left in the season.

The veteran comic, by contrast, has had between 5-10,000 at bats. Sure, he’s struck out, popped out, and hit into double plays nearly 2,000 times, but he’s batting .800 career, for Christ’s sake. He’s good. He knows he’s good, and everyone in “the league” who’s been around for any respectable amount of time knows he is never in danger of being sent down to the minors. He is mostly unfazed by your silence, comfortable in taking his time to think how best to respond to your heckles. Laughter need not come tonight, as it has already come countless times before, and is sure to come again tomorrow or the next night. So, although bad sets still exist as disappointing missed opportunities to connect and enjoy, they eventually taste, digest, and come out the other side much differently through a vessel of greater information, confidence and awareness. Blame, if it exists at all, turns more outward than inward, and the significance of each set diminishes as it becomes a smaller mathematical part of his lifetime batting average.

We never saw Jerry have a great set on Seinfeld. We heard about great sets and could assume they made up the majority of his track record, as his character was a professional comedian who’d appeared on The Tonight Show. Surely this was no amateur; but he and Larry David both knew that if a live set was to appear in an episode it had to go poorly, because failure is funny.

Watch any sitcom, movie, or any comic on stage. Misfortune and disappointment are the integral themes of every joke, as everyone knows there is no humor in great wealth, good looks, a level-headed peace of mind, or getting the girl, performing immaculately in bed and manifesting the perfect marriage. The only thing funny about that is how apparently unrealistic it is for most. This calls back to the reality that there is nothing at all ironic about comedians’ ultimate embrace of misery or symptoms of depression. Spare us the praise for “finding the humor in bad situations,” as bad situations are the actually the only places to find humor, and there is also a part of us that loves to laugh at the suffering of others.

Unfortunately, my mother and cousin were present for one of the most explosive bombs of my career. I’d gotten booked for a $500 feature spot at a theater in Englewood, Jersey, an unheard of gig for such a young comic. What was the catch?

“The catch,” which was not intentional, was that I was opening for a nationally famous musician who I was apparently a jerk for having never heard of: Peter Frampton, a legend in many circles, one of which would surely fill the theater, a demographic of mostly blue-collared, middle-aged, white biker types from middle and southern New Jersey. Guys whose middle school manifestations hated mine for being an honors class pussy with parents who loved him. Guys whose adult manifestations hated mine for being a hip hop, wanna-be, dumb “wigger.” It was quite possible I was not the right man for this job.

I researched Frampton before the show and became acutely aware that I couldn’t do the same jokes I’d been doing in the Bronx. Still in only my embryonic stage of development, I felt a bit dishonest telling the booker that 20 minutes would be “no problem.” I figured it might be a stretch and/or problem, but my 26-year old brain existed mostly between an admirable confidence and delusional arrogance that I could do anything, at least on one given night. Any given Sunday, as they say,not to mention that no comedian is ever going to turn down a challenge or money, let alone a coincidence of the two. And it wasa Sunday! As Mom and cousin were coming from opposite directions than I from the city, the plan was to meet after my set and go out for dinner to celebrate (mourn).

I waited alone backstage, Frampton nowhere in sight. I wore the only outfit I owned that didn’t obviously scream Hip Hop. A removal of my crooked baseball cap, slightly less baggy jeans, and a sweater instead of a hoody, although it was still Polo, with sleeves longer than my arms, much baggier than anything anyone in the building had ever owned in their life, truly a pathetic attempt. I looked like a white guy trying to look black trying to look white.

A disturbing calm came over me just before preparing to go on stage. While excessive nerves should be tamed with positive thought, breathing or whatever works for you, a complete absence of nerves is never a good sign either. A healthy amount of adrenaline beforehand is more than just normal, but almost necessary to do well. Personally, I’ve never had a good set drunk, as alcohol induces a very organic physiological apathy, which in spite of wanting to care very much, makes it impossible to connect with one’s listeners. On the other hand, the experience of nerves mean you care enough to calculate, think on your toes, and ironically, that you believe you can do it. In hindsight of my Frampton experience, I may have been intuitively precognitive that this was all wrong, and beyond some unforeseeable miracle there was no way it could go well.

The external situation was poorly set to boot. The crowd filling the venue was not made aware of any opening comedian. Stand-up is a relationship, and like any good relationship requires active listening, a different frequency and demand than music, which can be more passive and discontinuous. Inexperienced show producers classically make this mistake. They want to mesh two of their favorite things, comedy and music, in hopes of the result being greater than the sum of its parts. Sadly, this usually works about as well as George Costanza’s attempt to combine sex with watching sports and eating his favorite sandwich. Add to that the fact that the crowd was geared up for one of their very faves of all time, and Unknown Joke-teller is given a steep hill to climb.

As I stood behind the curtains with the stage director dividing his time and manic energy between whoever was giving direction into his headphones and tending to me, coordination seemed disheveled. I knew I’d be going on soon, but figured it would be after some kind of introduction to a dark room of seated people.

The house lights were still on. People were filing into their seats and there was no host or announcement over any speaker, when suddenly the stage director nudged my shoulder: “Go, go, you gotta go!”

“Right now? Just go and… What?”

“Yes!” he panicked. “We gotta get you off by 8:20, go!”

Little did he know this set wouldn’t make it anywhere close to 8:20.

I felt as naked and alone on the stage as laypeople imagine we feel.

“Hey, hey,” I weakly greeted them with the assertiveness of the guy who knows he has no chance with the girl.

“Take your seats, everyone.” I felt compelled to instruct them to where I desperately wished they already were.

God, the room was bright, and I could see them all. As nobody knew as much, and I didn’t know any better creatively, I dutifully informed them: “I am… a comedian – just here to tell you some… jokes, before the great, Peter Frampton comes out.”

A lone cheer in the distance for Frampton… people were still filing in. It’s never a good sign when you feel the need to practically apologize for your presence on stage or explain what you’ll be doing.“

“Take your seats, take your seats,”I continued.

I had nothing. No segue, no idea of where to begin, not an ounce of confidence in my pubescent well of material or the experience to improvise through such unexplored terrain. It was unlike any setting I’d yet been thrust into, and as feared, I was unqualified for the job.

I tried a since retired mediocre joke and got nothing. I tried two or three more of the same and got even less. Most of my stronger bits were geared more to the Bronx and urban crowds, and I hadn’t yet really learned how to write more universal material. As the lights finally went out in the house, the proverbial lights were going out on my set. Three strikes on stage are usually enough to acknowledge that you’re out.

“Alright,” I acknowledged the elephant in the room: “you guys obviously weren’t feeling those jokes…”

It was awful. I was rapidly dying, and like that quick realization of being physically overmatched in a fight, I had no idea how to get out of the stranglehold. I’ve got nothing for these people.

Disdain is as contagious as laughter, and the sentiment in the room became quickly unanimous. I can’t recall whether the first boo or heckle came first, but one surely immediately followed the other. It is rare for most humans to mature much past mob mentality, so once the green light is given for any animalistic behavior, it tends to snowball. It couldn’t have been much past 8:10 when the theater-filled boo’s looked and sounded no different than the notoriously disapproving Apollo Theater. They grew louder and more expansive. Finally someone started the perfectly two-syllabled “Frampton” chant, and although I had not yet been given the official signal to exit, this Monty Python-esq tirade was clearly demanding my time was up.

I thought of the show bookers sitting in the crowd. I thought again of my mom and cousin, and wondered where in the crowd they were sitting. Might they have been seated next to one of the loudest, most vicious hecklers in the room? Might they have beenthe loudest, most vicious hecklers in the room?

“Frampton” chants poured down like rotten tomatoes, and finally I couldn’t help but laugh at the scenario (at least one of us could amuse the other). Although I don’t remember myself ever booing someone off stage, I surely have silently done so in my mind, and been “that guy” in the stadium at sports events and had a blast every time. I knew the show was a bad situation to begin with, and the blame wasn’t entirely mine. I felt okay. However, as soon as I decided to hopelessly join in the “Frampton” chant into the mic, I knew my time was up.

I exited just before 8:15. The stage manager offered me a pat on the shoulder and an apology, handing me the least deserved $500 I’ve ever been given in my life. In fairness, there would be literally thousands more instances I’d earn $20 or even $0 in exchange for performances worth at least $500. Like accidental squibbed base hits in baseball, the good luck balances out with how often we get shafted.

I went backstage and quickly grabbed my things. Frampton wasn’t there, thank God. I’ve never so badly wanted to avoid meeting a celebrity. Is he even here yet? Who cares…

I snuck out the backdoor, praying not to see anyone who’d been in the theater. I wished I could change back into Clark Kent (or backinto Superman). Suddenly, I was 17-years old again, attempting to dart stealthily away from a wall I’d just covered in graffiti. My walk transformed into a scamper to go meet my mommy.

I heard a voice in the quiet suburban distance, a man outside the theater on his cell phone: “No, yeah, he still hasn’t gone on yet. Some comedian...” A pause, then a chuckle: “Poor. Very, very poor.” Of course I believed him, and felt bad about myself.

I called Mom and told her to leave – that I would not meet them in the lobby per the original plan. She understood. We sat down in the restaurant and Mom looked at me: “Those people were horrible! So rude! I’ve never seen anything like that!”Moms are the best.

I never heard from the booking company again. I think they shortly thereafter folded tent on the showbiz pursuit, returning back to the more stable world of high finance, their original trade. Is it possible my brightly lit expiration drained all of their hopes for success or belief in ability to spot talent, and I’d single-handedly shut down an entire company in just 15 minutes of bad jokes?

Although I’d been “wrongly cast” and the situation was poor, it left an awfully sour taste in my mouth. In typical human fashion, I chose to transform my inner sadness around it into outward anger and labeled the experience as (all) white people prejudging me, which caused me to hate them in return. I made the decision that my humor was not for white crowds, as they could not appreciate or understand me, in spite of the fact that this was a very specific kind of white crowd and I’d still only boasted a microscopic sample size. Apparently I learned how easily one can become racist: No more than a pinch of experience and a dash of maturity with a huge helping of rejection, and the broad strokes flow in excess. The fact is I’d just been a newbie in way over my head, still without the tools or experience to handle the curve balls, obstacles, and bullshit that come to comedians on a regular basis. As we finished our Chinese food and drove from the suburbs of Englewood, New Jersey over the bridge into Washington Heights where I lived, I thought it to be symbolic. I was back home, back amongst “my people,” ironically I suppose. I was done with suburban, white shows. I just didn’t want to feel that way anymore.

Sorry, Pete.

#peter frampton #comedy bomb #stand up comedy

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bornasghosts7165 · 7 years

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All I Want: Part 14

Previous Part

After your talk with Harry it felt like you slipped right back into normalcy. You knew that it probably would only last until your next chat with Liam or the next time Louis charged Liam or the next time literally anything resembled chaos, but it was a welcomed changed. A night without drama, and nothing but you and Harry was what you were looking forward to and you were finally getting it. You felt like you finally telling Harry about your past made you stronger. He understood your need for communication and you understood his apprehension about talking about Liam. It was the first time you really opened up about what happened two years ago, it while you were convinced it would be a total emotional disaster you would glad to know you were wrong. Although you could tell that Harry did feel bad about what happened, it felt nice to know that he would have your back. There were no obstacles as of now and that was how you would like it to stay.

Once you get to the next venue you jump into working. You found a nice corner backstage and set up shop to edit your pictures from the show the night before. With your head phones on and your music blasting you went into your zen place, which allowed you to think clearly about your next steps. No more running away, or dancing around the subject, or pretending you were getting answers while instead you were terrified to hear the truth. You were going to suck it up, and take charge. And no matter what the answers you were so desperately seeking were, you would find a way to deal with it. You would cross that road when you got to it, but right now you had to stay focused and not talk yourself out of being a person that could take charge.

“What are you doing?” Louis asks you.

You slide your head phones off your head and pay him attention. “What?”

“Why do you look like your plotting something?” Louis asks as he sits down on the floor next to you.

“Because I’m plotting your demise.”

“Always go with the poison.” Louis says. “So, I heard you finally had that talk with Harry.”

“Yep. So, is he completely freaking out or what?” You wanted to know.

“He just had a lot of questions about how you were before. And what he was like.” Louis answered.

“And what did you tell him?” You ask.

Louis looked at you carefully. You wondered how much Harry had told Louis about your little confessional last night. Louis knew the whole story anyway so it didn’t really matter what Harry told him. What you were worried about was what Louis told Harry. You were very careful to tell Harry just enough that he was in the loop, but not so much that he was completely panicking. You were honest without being too honest. You could tell he was getting uncomfortable talking about the part of your past where you and Liam were happy and in love so you kept it short and sweet. Louis however knew everything and what was stopping him from sharing that with Harry. That was the last thing you needed.

“Oh, you are a piece of work.” Louis says. “I thought you said you talked. This isn’t something you can just keep a secret forever, (Y/N). I thought you were finally realizing that.”

“Can’t you just let me handle this?” You ask.

“(Y/N), I literally had to pick you up off the floor when that jackass broke your heart, and I’m not going to just stand around while he does it again!” Louis yells back. “Can’t you see that you keeping this secret is how it starts?”

“This had nothing to do with Liam, Louis. This is about my relationship with Harry.” You explain. “I don’t want to hurt him, and that’s what will happen if I tell him now. This is a complicated situation, and I’m doing the best I can.”

“And what if Liam decides to tell him?” Louis counters.

“I appreciate you looking out for me, but if you stopped being so close minded and over protective maybe you would notice that he’s different now. It seems like he could really use a friend actually.” You tell Louis. “And it seems like we don’t have the full story.”

“You don’t really believe this story about the panic attacks, do you?”

“Yeah, I do, because I saw the look on his face when he told me.”

“Which was what exactly.”

“Embarrassed.” You say. “And weak.”

Suddenly you understood. You got why Liam never told you about the panic attacks or why he was feeling so lost back when you were still together. It was the same reason it was so hard to tell Harry about any of your past. He felt ashamed that he was feeling that way. If it was anything like what you felt after the break up, then you know it must have been scary. And Liam was going through it alone so it must have been even worse. You couldn’t believe you didn’t see it before. Of course, it should have been you of all people that he told, but you were also learning that sometimes telling your significant other things was easier said than done.

“Look, Louis, there’s a lot going on right now and the last think I need is you lecturing me on what’s best for my relationship. I’m doing the best I can and if it’s a mistake, then I need to make my own mistakes. It would be a lot easier to deal with all this if you were just my friend instead of my protector.” You say. “Now if you excuse me, there’s a conversation I need to have that’s about two years too late. We going out later?”

“Probably.” Louis answers. “Good luck with that chat.”

You get up from your work corner and head over to the stage to find Liam. You wanted to find out if you were right about why he hadn’t told you about his panic attacks. You thought it would be a good start to all the drama you needed to air out. Everything seemed to go back to that so why not start at the source. He looks up at you, and you signal at him to meet you in the room across from you. He nods, and you go to wait for him on the room.

You the second you began walking away from Liam your heart was beating hard in your chest and it felt like you were going to have a nervous breakdown. You talk deep breaths and pace around the room trying to calm down. By that time your pacing was already in full force. You stopped only for a minute when you noticed him enter the room and then kept on going. Now that he was here, your heart was beating even faster, and your mouth felt like it was going dry. Never in your entire life had anyone been able to make you so nervous. Since you’d known him only Liam made you feel intense emotions like this. It had always been like this, and clearly that was one part of your relationship that hadn’t changed.

“You’re not going to start cleaning anything, are you?” Liam joked, knowing that was one of your nervous ticks.

“Not funny.” You say while still pacing.

Liam steps in front of you, and you stop in your tracks before you run into him. He looked calm, but this time it didn’t make you calm.

“Hey, you don’t need to be nervous.” He says. “It’s just me.”

You step around him, and toward the makeup counter on the far side of the room. You lift yourself up with your arms and plop on the counter. You felt like it would be best if you sat down for this conversation given your history of panic attacks in Liam’s presence. Despite what Liam thought, you did need to be nervous. You had no idea what he was going to say or do. You didn’t know how you were supposed to feel about him being here. Was it no big deal? Was he trying to get you back? Was he trying to ruin your relationship? You had no idea. He had said he still loved you on the bus the other day, but was that in an ‘I’ll always love you’ kind of way, or ‘I’m still in love with you’ kind of way? You take a deep breath before opening up the conversation.

“Will you, uh. Will you come sit?” You ask.

Liam walk over and sits in the chair in front of you.

“Okay,” He began. “What did you want to talk about?”

“I don’t even know where to start, Liam.” You reply. “You being here has been…weird.”

“I know.” Liam replies. “And I’m sorry. The last thing I want is to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“So, if you don’t want to make me uncomfortable and you’re not here mess with me then…”

“You left so fast when I confessed to cheating that I never got to explain. I’m not the evil guy you and Louis seem to think I am. You walked out so neither of us got closure. Our problems went a lot farther than me cheating on you. There’s your part of the story, and then there’s mine.” Liam tells you.

“Well, would you mind telling me that side of the story?” You practically beg. “Because I have been going over it and over it in my head and I just don’t get it! I don’t understand how you can come here after annihilating my heart and walk around like it’s no big deal.”

“It is a big deal, and the truth is I haven’t been the same since. When you were gone, I was a mess, and then when you were really gone and everything else happened I was…a mess and I still am. Now would that be the case if this wasn’t a big deal?” Liam asks. “You want to know why I’m here?

“I know how it looks; me, mysteriously being on this tour with you. It wasn’t about you; not in the beginning. The truth is I didn’t know you would be here.” Liam says. “I had no idea you and Harry were even together. I needed something to get me out of that town and out of my slump. I remember how happy touring made you and I thought that maybe it would help me. After the years I’ve had, I just needed something to make me feel…anything again. I asked around and before I knew it I was on this tour. I didn’t know you would be here until I saw Louis, and I put it together. And I thought about leaving, but then I saw you at the bar and I just…I couldn’t leave.”

“Why?”

You were making progress. Finally, Liam was opening up. You could see his guard, which seemed to always be up and coated in despondency, was slipping slightly. Little by little you were understanding your past, and figuring out the present. Liam didn’t come for you, but he stayed for you. So, what did he want now? What had happened to him in your years apart that has made him need to feel something? What made the bubbly naïve boy you loved to sullen and jaded?

“Back when you first started touring it was a weird adjustment. We were always together and then I was hardly seeing you. I hated it, but it didn’t seem to even bother you.” Liam says, looking away from you. “I felt like I was losing a piece of me and I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to seem needy or pathetic. I already felt pathetic enough that I was having panic attack.”

“You really didn’t feel like you could come to me?” You asked, feeling bad that he made a conscious choice to keep it from you. “After fifteen years, you couldn’t confide in me?”

“No,” Liam said, bluntly. “And I didn’t want you to come home just because I needed you. I wanted you to come home because you needed me like I needed you. I didn’t want you to resent me.”

“Well, I’m sorry.” You tell him, not knowing what else to say. I should have understood how hard it was for you.”

“I’m sorry too. I wasn’t myself and I handle it all the exact wrong way. You’ll never know how much I regret hurting you like that.” Liam replies, referring to his infidelity. “I am so, so sorry, (Y/N). I never should have done it; I was just so lost.”

“So, did you stay just to tell me that?” You ask.

“I stayed because the moment I saw you in the bar I felt something again.” Liam confessed. “I know that night was a mess and I’m sorry that I surprised you like that. But when I saw your face again I knew that if I was going to even have a chance at being happy again then I needed you in my life.”

This was a lot. You had no idea Liam was feeling like this, and you felt bad that you were a part of it. Everything you knew about the past was different. If you hadn’t been so wrapped up in touring and seeing the world, and had been a little bit more present when you were with Liam maybe you would have noticed that something wasn’t right with him. It was so clear now, but you couldn’t see it then. And he was right, you probably would have resented him for making you stay with him, because at the time all you really cared about was working. But if you had seen it on your own then he wouldn’t have ran off to be with someone else. He wouldn’t have needed anyone else. All he wanted was you.

“Liam, I’m really sorry that I couldn’t see it. I should have understood that the transition would be hard for you. I wish that could have turned out different.” You tell him. “But you have to understand that we can’t just pick up where we left off. Too much has happened. I was a mess too, a big mess. I’m finally in a good place and I don’t want anything to ruin that.”

“I understand that.” Liam replies. “The last thing I want is to hurt you even more than I already have.”

“So, when you say you want me in your life?”

“Just being around you again is everything to me.” Liam asks and places his hand on your knee. “I’ve really missed you, (Y/N), and it would mean everything if you could be even just friends with me.”

Being friends with Liam. You didn’t think there was ever a time where you weren’t something more than friends with Liam, but there was a first time for everything. But was this a good move? After knowing the whole story you did feel like you owed Liam, and you did want him to be happy like you now were. But would the intense relationship you had with Liam affect your relationship with Harry? He did say that he loved you on the bus, which you had yet to clear up. And it seemed that every time you were with him you found yourself reminiscing and feeling something, whatever that something was you didn’t know. However, the way Liam looked the past couple days made you think that he could really use a friend. Everything would be better if you and Liam were on good terms. And now that everything was in the opened that would be a lot easier. You wouldn’t be best friends but anything was better than avoiding each other for months.

“Okay.” You agree and smile.

Liam smiles back. Marking the first time you’d seen him smile since he’d reappeared. You hadn’t realized how much you had missed his smile. You heart did a little flutter at the sight of it. You could see him slowly begin coming back to life, and you too left yourself healing after this conversation. This must be what closure felt like. It was comforting to know that someone from your past didn’t need to be completely forgotten to move on.

“Allow me to be the first to officially welcome you to the tour.”

#one direction #one direction imagines #one direction one shot #one direction fanfiction #liam payne #liam payne one shot #liam payne fanfiction #liam payne imagines #harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles one shot

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natrohne · 7 years

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Ya Win Some, Ya Lose Some

Ya win some, ya lose some. About eight weeks ago, I was pretty positive I had won something big. And I wasn’t wrong. I have been blessed by an amazing support group who have faithfully supported me and my adventurous spirit. I have been blessed with a father willing to leave home a few days a week so that I can travel for free, or almost free internationally. I have been blessed to meet and befriend people all over the world. This has come to me by the grace of God and the work ethic He placed in me to accomplish my dreams and go after my goals. Eight weeks ago I marched onto Lufthansa flight 447- service to Dusseldorf, Germany. The flight went without a hitch. I even made friends with the girl next to me, who was, ironically enough, also visiting her past German foreign exchange student. The weeklong visit with Franzi, my wonderful friend who lived with my family six years ago, and her wonderful boyfriend, Fabio, who was extremely friendly and hospitable, was awesome. They were perfect hosts and I was so incredibly blessed to finally see Franzi’s life and home.

The next few days were spent south of Manchester, England with my good Triangle Y Ranch Camp counselor friend, Tim. We have talked for years about him giving me the grand tour of Sheffield and I was so blessed to finally partake in that tour. He took care of everything and was a gracious host and friend as always! I’ve been blessed with some real winner friends. Then the fire came.

On the way to the Manchester Airport, Tim and I ran into some traffic and did not get to the airport nearly as early as I had hoped. Then once I tried to check into my flight at the front with RyanAir, they charged me extra fees for my bag (which I had already paid for once) and for my carryon (which I didn’t know was even a thing) and for printing out my boarding pass (just a few extra dollars, but still!) So after figuring all that out, I headed to security, thinking the hard part was over. Not so.

Once at security, I pulled off my shoes and pulled out my small Ziploc of toiletries and laptop as I’ve done hundreds, if not thousands, of times. My bag got pulled to the side to be double-checked, behind about 20 other bags. I was starting to sweat at this point. They were going so slowly through each bag and I was wracking my brain for what else could be hidden in there I didn’t remember to check or pull out. When it was finally my turn for them to look through my bag, they took 20 minutes to find a tube of chapstick. Yup, my little tube of Burt’s Bees set it off. Once the threatening chapstick was removed they scanned my bag once again. And again, it rang red! So they had to pull out all the contents AND check through my other bag just in case, even though it had gone through without a hitch. Meanwhile, they pull me to the side and two different women patted me up and down, in addition to the two who had already patted me down. Finally, they gave me the all clear and barely said sorry as I flew off to the gate. With heaving breaths as I neared the gate, I saw the jetway pull away from the plane and the gate agent shut the jetway door. I had missed my flight. Something I had never, ever done before. I could not believe it. RyanAir does not believe in rolling a passenger over to the next flight (nor do they believe in anything being their fault) so they said they would either charge me €150 simply to roll me over to the next flight (not including the baggage cost, which I had officially paid for no reason at this point) or they would walk me back out to the front of the airport so I could list myself on a different flight. I started to ask about other airlines and ran off to Aer Lingus. After a few hours of arguing and frantically trying to figure out the Manchester Airport, all on only a few hours of sleep and 30 minutes of free wifi, I finally had myself listed on a different flight on a different airline with all new fees and a whole other security checkpoint. Of course, this security check went without a hitch. How typical is that! But hey, I got to Ireland and only a couple hours after I was supposed to. It could have been way worse, but I definitely lost that one.

Dublin was a bit difficult to adjust to with such a rocky start. My roommates posed an interesting group of people to live with which has been both fun and insightful. After this trip, I think I will have officially covered all the bases when it comes to types of people to live with… But nevertheless, the first few days were stressful and frantic. I found myself not trusting anyone, not even myself. I have traveled. I should have known. I could have done better. But I did not transition well at all. As I wrote in my last blog, I packed my last semester as much as I possibly could! I was completely burnt out from the way I conducted my life but once I had some time to rest, I had no idea what to do with it. My motto on gap year two years (can you believe it’s been two years?!) was, “don’t waste it.” And I was determined to apply that to my stay in Dublin even though I was simply exhausted, and honestly, (as much as I hate to admit it) scared.

My internship while in Dublin consists of me working for our in-country supervisor (basically our Dublin Mom) Ms. Olwyn Mannix. She is an independent travel agent aspiring to start, or continue to pursue her own travel company. She needed help to boost her Internet presence, so, with my blogging and general computer experience (which is limited to be fair), she hired me for the semester. Two weeks in, Olwyn paid for me to attend a workshop across town where I would acquire beginner and intermediate knowledge about Wordpress, a commonly used blogging and website design site. The workshop was incredible and I am now nearly fully capable of building a website all on my own, which I am hoping to do for small businesses or charities back home. On the way home, I was taking a train I used for the first time that day called the LUAS. It runs from the North to the South side of Dublin and I rode it the entire way, getting on at the farthest south stop and getting off at the farthest north stop. On my return trip, however, I apparently did not correctly scan my student charge card to pay for my ride. I know this because only two stops into the ride back, a large man with a heavy, non-Irish accent with a bright orange vest approached asking to see my ticket. I presented my card for him to scan but he began to write me a ticket saying I had not paid to be on the train but I definitely thought I had. It had been raining at the stop and there was no awning so I rushed to make it on the train before the door closed and I guess I didn’t wait for the card to scan long enough to fully pay for the ride. So now I was in trouble with the Irish law and had a ticket looming over my head. I tried to appeal it but there was no sympathy for the rushed, stupid American. I definitely lost that one!

Two nights later, I was with two of my roommates and another friend trying to blow off some steam at a live local concert at the famous Dublin venue, Whelans. I was leaning against the railing overlooking the unique and cool venue, my jacket along with my roommates on the chair right behind me. One minute it was there, the next we were relocating and my jacket was completely gone. My roommates’ was there but mine was taken. Thankfully there was nothing in it but it was the only nice jacket I owned and it was stolen. I called a few times in the days to follow but got nowhere. I lost that one for sure.

I’m intrigued by the art of travel. Don’t you just see and experience the most random and interesting situations and people at airports or when in other cultures? If you have ever sat in an airport for more than 30 minutes and simply watched what was happening around you, you probably saw a person running to catch a flight. You have no idea where they are going or where they came from or why they are running. They desperately run past you and are out of your life forever. You’ll never know their name or if that day was really as rough as it seemed in that single shared moment. Have compassion on those poor people. No one I ran past in the Manchester Airport had any idea that I was about to live alone in a foreign country I had never been to for four months. No one had any idea what January 25 was supposed to look like for me. I lost that day. I had a terrible attitude and I let it affect the first few weeks of my disgruntled and disjointed trip. Things just got weirder and harder as the time went on in Dublin. Life is expensive. Mistakes are expensive. Expenses are stressful. Stress is torment to an injured brain and good for absolutely no one.

But as I sit here, sipping on a delicious margarita given to me by a random flight attendant, I am reminded of what I have won. Today has been one of the smoothest, cheapest, and easiest travel days of my life, even though based on the destinations; it should have been very stressful. Today should have been WAY harder than that one-hour flight to Dublin nine weeks ago but here we are, an easy couple flights, a free margarita, and an excellent Spotify playlist to make for an incredible day. It’s the incredible days that are the most forgettable. Why is that? As humans we remember the days that sucked beyond all compare. We remember when we got screwed over or scammed. We remember the stuff that went wrong. We remember the times we lost.

But here’s a cheers (or slainte) to appreciating this time among many that I have won! I am blessed by the life I have. I am blessed by the people in it- JC, for being the home I have always wanted, Rachel, for being my best friend no matter how many times I leave and what country I end up in, Katja and Isaac, for emailing me and including me in their lives, my parents for letting me take advantage of Dad’s job so much ;), Kelly, for being a stellar direct roommate, and Madison for being an incredible other roommate ;). You girls are the highlight of Dublin. Along with the very random St. Patrick’s Day parades and pub outtings, and day trip excursions, this journey has been incredible. There are so many others but I just wanted to thank you. We have all won some and lost some. I hope all of you win some today!

#travel dublin slainte winningandlosing

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