#but i CAn do memes and thats...some sort of content from me at least

[getreadytosmash]

am i,,,going to be doing a big ship meme....maybe so

#the queen of smash (mun) #look i don't have the energy for threads on here rn #but i CAn do memes and thats...some sort of content from me at least #anyway i'm gonna post it cause the blog that made it is deactivated but i don't want it reblogged cause liek...its not MY meme i just #wanna have it on my blog for my friends so I'll have a note #to not reblog it

[fipindustries]

critical missive

dedicated to @cryptovexillologist

oh boy arent we in a fine pickle now?

usually i enjoy talking openly and bluntly about my opinions on whatever the last thing i read is, safe and secure in the knowledge that the author will most likely never stumble on my measily 700 followers tumblr blog, so i am free to express my opinion to my heart’s content knowing that no feelings will get hurt. 

mission critical would be no different except i talked with the author and read their acknoledgement and the AMA they did on discord after writing the story and they have endeared themselves thoroughly to me so my language will have to be neutered, at least for the first half of this excercise. afterwards things will get a bit harsher but i’ll try to rest at ease in the knowledge that we seem to be kindred spirits and i would be delighted in hearing any kind of criticism of my work either positive or negative. 

ok, enough coaching done, lets go on to what i thought of this novel.

it is a delightful romp, as i said before, the worldbuilding is understated and realistic with enough glimpses of depth and detail to suggest a much larger picture. this world feels inhabited, lived in, like it was well chewed on for long by the author before putting pen to paper. consequentially the characters that arose from this world feel like they belong, they feel like real people with real lifes. by far the strongest sections of the book were the flashbacks to their lives before the plot started. their voices, regretably, do sound very similar when interacting with each other but in their own sections the characters shine in their charm and cleverness. every time one of their flashbacks ended i was left with the intrigue and the desire to know how their particular story would continue.

the terra ignota influences are very noticeable, the world and its people carry the same kind of almost childlike positivity and innocence, the same kind of cheerful, happy go lucky trust in human progress and the great project of humanity for the future with the same sobering forlorn attitude towards the horrors of the past.

on top of that its silly, gosh in heaven it is silly. it has moments of cringe, in the best of ways. strange slapdash bits of flavor, immature non sequiturs, small indulgences from the author’s own weird interests and dumb meme humor. i do love me my awkward corners in a book, after all it is those that make something unique. there is a clear personality poking through and it is a delightful personality to meet.

i cant help but like this almost more for the context in which it was written than for the content itself, it was done during quarentine as a way to both stave off cavin fever and to process the author’s feelings regarding their gender identity. as someone who also wrote a story where i almost deliberatly tried to trick my self into breaking my own egg and who turned madly towards creative endeavors to survive the pandemic i can sympathize strongly with this. i am really happy that the author got to do this and kickstarted a project towards a big, possibly decades spanning trilogy.

so, yeah, those were the nice things i had to say, if you are content enough with that you can stop here but if you are curious to know more, well... you can

in short: it is a bit of a mess. again, im willing to be lenient, considering the way in which this was worked on, this is very much a really early first draft. the second half of this story was a very slow and very boring trudge towards a sudden end.

first, the fact that the flashbacks and the worldbuilding bits are the strongest part of this story means the actual plot itself suffers from being fairly boring and generic. “astronauts explore alien planet, find spooky stuff there” was already old hat by the 50′s. it is a plot so worn down and archetypical that it really cant survive if that is literally all you are going to do with it, and that is kind of all that this book does. i did mention moments of flavor and strange self indulgence. we needed way more of those. yes thats right, im saying that this story was not self indulgent enough. when you have such a well trodden plot such as this, worn down to the point that it becomes paint by the numbers, we need quirky, we need cringe, we need strange excess and personality. the author mentioned that they would love to see some of the weirder alexandria fan fics, well so do i! be the miracle you want to see in the world! the moments alexandria debated if wether identifying as a trilateral were amazing but they were not enough. we have a great structure here but lets put some proper meat on these bones, some proper fat and skin, some clown make up and a weird novelty hat and outrageous clown shoes. im getting carried away here, lets get back to the point.

the other problem is  there is not a clear trajectory for the story here, no well defined moment of climax and the emotional beats tend to fall a bit flat or to come out of nowhere. there are emotional crisis which i sort of missed or didnt get where they came from. the characters act in ways that are hard to relate to  that come off as stilted. the way they conduct themselves through the mission felt at times weirdly unprofessional and like it didnt follow much of a logical throughline, and when i say logical i dont meant “i wanted the characters to act hyperrational at all times” i mean i want the characters to act in ways that make human sense. ironically the one character that acted a bit too human for my tastes was the AI. alexandria is an interesting character but i feel that the place to explore that idea is not in the middle of an incredibly important mission where having your mainframe experience a crisis might not be the most practical thing in the world.

the ending was jarringly sudden, i didnt feel there was a proper resolution and finishing it off with flashbacks to the time the characters were training was... odd. i reached the last line and it felt like the story had just decided to stop without ever having reached anything that came even close to the third act. all of this can be easily fixed with some concientious editing and a complete rearrangement of the different sections of this story.

all in all a great first step in what i hope will be a long career as a writer.

#mission critical #it was nice #if a bit flawed

[rogueswitch]

1, 3, 5, 9, and 11 for the ask meme

o geez thats a lot :p i'll do Wrench because of course i will

1) what’s a Hot Take you have about your f/o?

The only reason why Wrench is popular is because he is quirky and white. You know the whole thing with fandoms only giving a shit about the white characters? I truly think it holds true with watch dogs as well. people will wax poetic about how Aiden (another 'vigilante' white man) from watch dogs 1 is the best character, and Wrench is unabashedly the most popular character from WD2 even though he's not the protagonist and arguably is a pretty undeveloped character (the actual protagonist of WD2 is Marcus, a black man, and a reasonably well-developed character compared to the others).

To bring this point home further, both Aiden and Wrench have their own DLC missions+story in WDLegion, while other characters like Marcus (and any of the other WD2 characters) are forgotten about all but to provide some cosmetic outfits.

3) did you used to ship your f/o with anyone before realizing you wanted to ship them with yourself?

No, not really. Once I really got into the meat of WD2, I just kinda went oh, and realized I had a crush on Wrench and started to ship with him. A lot of people ship Marcus/Wrench because they have a bromance in the game, but I always read it more as Wrench is unabashedly flirty with everyone, and they are both just being silly because they are best friends and comfortable with each other.

5) what’s the dumbest thing you’ve heard about your f/o, either on the internet or irl?

I'm not gonna lie, i don't really interact with fandom much so i dont have a great spicy answer for this one. but maybe something like Wrench is straight or some shit. The dude does nothing but flirt with everyone in WD2, men and women alike. No way is that man straight.

9) do you distance yourself from other fans of your f/o or their source?

Fans, yes. Source, no. I like Watch Dogs as a setting, it's sort of pre-cyberpunk dystopia where things are modern but with just a bit more complex technology (at least in WD2), and it begins to dip into why things like advanced technology can be incredibly harmful when everything is connected to the internet or links back to the government (survalience state). And, because it's Ubisoft, I do also like exploring things like my watch dogs/assassins creed crossover au, because both settings lore fit really well together. I vibe with the source.

I generally don't interact with fans of WD that much because 1) people that tend to play the games and interact online are classic Gamer Bros and i don't really wanna fuck with that, and 2) other then the occasional artist, people who like Wrench just tend to be that Brand of fandom bullshittery that I don't want anything to do with.

11) do you think it’s better to have a copious amount of content for your f/o, even with the risk of finding a lot of ship art, or better to have a lot less?

Ummm. Most content for Wrench is generally Wrench/Marcus ship stuff, which doesn't really bother me even though I don't romantically ship them. So I personally don't mind seeing ship art, and I even like some of the marcus/wrench art just because the artists are really good. When it comes to other's selfships with Wrench though, I tend to be a bit iffier and uncomfy.

I think I prefer having less content/art/fics, because I imagine that if every piece of content was ship content, I would probably get fed up pretty quickly. It can already be a bit eh now, because every other self shipper who is into WD ships with Wrench. I think its a bit nicer to have a smaller amount of good content that I can enjoy, rather then a lot of content I really can't interact with because it makes me uncomfy.

#self ship #self ship community #selfship #f/o #fictional other #self insert x canon #oc x canon #ask meme #asks #brain noise

[disaster-bay-leaf]

Ok so these were the cutest~ (ㆁωㆁ)

4, 6, 7, 9, 12, 19, 22, 23, 28, 33, 34, 46, 47, 52, 59, 60, 63, 66, 83, 87, 88, 93, 99

I kno I listed like....all of them lmao but feel free to answer whichever you want and ofc you can ask me in return Baybe ( ◜‿◝ )♡

uHUHUHUHU much content for me to answer, im happy bebe 💜💜💜✨

4 - how do you take your coffee/tea?

hm coffee either Very Black No Sugar (for the sleep deprived me) or iced latte three sugars and theres no in between

and as for tea its All Black Teas That Exist, cinnamon-flavoured especially (but basically all teas that come to mind when u think “autumn”), and rooibos!!! okay basically the only oke i dont like is any type of green tea (which is sad because they look cool but my tastebuds said ✨no✨)

6 - do you keep plants?

honestly id l o v e too because i love plants but,,, im kinda horrible at taking care of them though still way better than the majority of my family (research helps) so the only plant i own is kinda a small-palm-tree-looking thing in a bigass glass jar that i saved from my mother’s plant-destructing hands and its mostly doing well (the ends of its leaves are starting to be yellow tho and im worried:((( )

7 - do you name your plants?

yes!!! though the current one was named by my sister and its called “pickett” after fantastic beasts shsjjsj

9 - do you like singing/humming to yourself?

oh god oh dude you have n o idea

i have absolutely n o singing voice but its something i do constantly to give my brain the right amount of stimuli so basically i listen to music 24/7 and hum to myself 99% of that time

12 - whats your favourite planet?

oh i actually didnt think about this for so long but either pluto (hes a planet screw nasa) or saturn (RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) or venus (girls,,,and libra,,,)

19 - do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw in it?

okay im gonna be completely honest with yall and say that my every single try at keeping a journal failed spectacularly and i lost motivation after like a few months so my only journals rn are my fancy fake-leather-bound calendar to note tests and assessments into, a kinda roughed up notebook that i uses for noting down poems or scribbling or passing notes in class, and a kinda fancy bullet journal notebook that i used as a book of shadows for a while but since my fountain pen died i didnt touch it

22 - are you a morning person?

n o

i am so not a morning person but i wish i could be because honestly dawns are beautiful

but as it is rn im either sleep deprived all the time and loathe every second of being in an awake state or (if i have a few days of schoolbreak) my biological clock moves forward a few hours and i sleep 2am-10am

23 - whats your favourite thing to do on lazy days with zero obligations?

except for the fact that i dont remember the last time it happened, i would probably spend it drawing outside, watching anime with my sister and riding a bike around the forest

28 - sunrise or sunset?

i love sunrises because its so peaceful and everyone is asleep but also i subconsciously immediately correlate them with waiting for a train to take me to school (because thats basically the only time i see them) so its a bittersweet love especially with my fucked up biological clock

but sunsets are really really pretty too and i see them more often so i cant choose

33 - whats your fave pastry?

and isnt that a millior-dollar question dhsjjsjsj

either cinnamon rolls (i absolutely adore them) or that one specific type of cupcake-shaped-thing made out of shortcrust/bread/whatever its called and filled with vanilla pudding

34 - tell us about a stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

awwww this is cute

okay so basically my two favourite stuffed animals (i still have them, they sit in my wardrobe) were two teddy bears (like maybe 20cm high each of them) and one was pure brown and the other was silver-brown and they had stereotypical polish male names “Waldek” (read. Valdek) and Stefan (i think tho im not sure if i remember correctly, my memory is a feeble thing sometimes

46 - tell us the worst pun you can think of

what dog would never bite you? a hot dog *badumtss*

47 - what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

huh a year ago id say pineapple pizza but i guess i dont hate pineapples that much anymore (tho putting them on pizza is still an abomination) but i think that if id ever want to get rid of anything it would be parsley, i hate that freakin herb (does it count as food tho)

52 - what are your favourite memes of the year so far?

the ever given for sure shsjshjsjsjsjjsj

but bullying tramp stamps is gold and pure tumblr energy too

as for fandom memes: im in love with all keeping-up-with-the-todorokis variations and the fact that the entire bsd fandom looked at fukuchi and said “biTCH” and thats one of the only things we’re unanimous about

59 - whats your favourite myth?

i always liked the kora/persephone myth (though demeter is an overbearing parent to the nth power), loki and thor crossdressing at a party to get mjolnir back, atalanta because shes a queen and id politely ask her to kick my ass, and cassandra because she deserved better, and theres a l o t more because alas i was a mythology nerd but this post is long enough for me not to make this section 20 times longer sjjsjsjsjsjks

but there are a lot of slavic myths that are very cool too, though we dont know that much about them as about the greeks for example

60 - do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

o o o o h yeah i do like poetry because to create such a beautifully sounding thing with only words someone has to be a genius

some of my favs are: some works of nakahara chuuya (thank u bsd for introducing me to this man’s beautiful imagery in his works i swear to god the descriptions do it for me) (also his poem about having hangovers is a mood like i feel you buddy), the raven by ea poe (i know everyone likes it but hOLY DAMN THE INTER/INTRAVERSE RHYMES ARE LIKE,,, BREATHTAKING) (and aso im a slut for gothic horror), and many more but also That One Poem From Welcome To Nightvale about reaching the island in the west,,, only perfect vibes from it

63 - are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be?

okay heres the thing. for anyone else both my playlist library and my bookshelf would be considered pure chaos of a mad man b u t they actually have a highly focused system which means that i sort them based on their vibes, lovability and (in case of books) their age and whether or not theyre a part of a series so i would say my bookshelf is rather organised (when a quarter of it isnt occupying my desk that is) and my music is more organised than not but sometimes it gets out of control and i have to sort it entirely again

66 - what would your ideal flower crown look like?

either entirely constructed of simple white daisies, entirely constructed of only white roses, or something that probably would win a “how many different coloured flowers can one fit in a flower crown” competition

or something purple (maybe not belladonna)

83 - whats some of your favourite album art?

god i dont know if it counts but hozier’s wasteland baby is probably one of my absolute favourites and no one shall beat that

“thrifted youth” (dalynn) and “standard deviation” (danny schmidt) have very aesthetic covers too

also the iconic p!atd too weird to live, too rare to die! album cover,,, its just iconic what can i say

and last but not least matt meason’s pink-and-black album covers (though bank on the funeral is really pretty too but like,,, “who killed matt meason” d o e s it for me and so does the 2017 tribulation single)

87 - what are some movies that you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

this is such a hard question because im not a really cinematography-oriented gal but i suppose that (at the risk of not going deep enough into the cinema world):

- the princess bride

- inception

- night at the museum

- SPIRITED AWAY

- forrest gump

- truman show

- E.T. (i cried okay)

- the lord of the rings (because damn me if this isnt one impressive adaptation)

- parasite

and one more personal recommendation: “ready or not” with samara weaving because goddamn i dont usually watch this genre but holy s h i t is it good

93 - whats the hairstyle you wear the most?

honestly just plain hair down (because having curly hair is a menace), split in the middle when i have longer hair and split on one side when its short

also low ponytails or half-up-half-down when im exercising, or double french braids when my hair doesnt cooperate enough to look presentable in any other form

99 - list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them

this is difficult because my music taste is a goddamn rollercoaster on a good day, but heres some:

- me and the sky from “come from away” musical (this is sort of a test song for my mental stability, if i cry i aint stable)

- dancing after death by matt meason (okay most songs by matt meason except for like,,, hallucinogenics maybe)

- tears and rain by james blunt

- i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie

- almost home by mxmtoon

- anything by hozier really but shrike especially

- payphone, the cover by alex g (i cried to this song so many times)

- burning pile by mother mother (can i roast all my problems please)

- long way from home and cleopatra by the lumineers

- autoclave by the mountain goats

oooh that was c o o o o o o o l as fuck thank you sm so much bebe (and sorry for the long post @everyone else)

#smadhuman being pure af #bay answers #long post #very long post #ask #asks

[larrythethird]

chess

i cant fuckign believe i found the login to this account holy shit chess is real

but anyway, if anyone from old ilasgoc is reading this just remember you are very gay and a nerd and i hope you are doing well in life and being the best person you can be. things got stupid with the group towards the end of things thanks to some people ruining it, and the group as a whole had super edgy humor back then, but it was the first real online community i ever PARTICIPATED in and nothing can ever change that (or chess). this isnt even my first account as lawrence iii and it’s dated back to 2013, who knows how old the first account wouldve been holy shit. i was a young lad back then, and now i am a grown ass chess man with grown ass chess man taxes. incredible.

more chess below

its weird to think that something as dumb as ilasgoc was can make me feel this way, but i owe a lot to the friends i made back then. it was a great feeling to know there was such a big community (300+ accounts at its peak) waiting for me, and they’d always get so excited to see new faces. i remember for a while i took a bit of a break after losing my first larry account, but when i came back everyone got so excited, i saw a huge flood of posts going “!!!! IT’S LARRY!!!!!!! WELCOME BACK LARRY!!!!!!!!” and that shit was heartwarming. almost as heartwarming as chess.

ive seen a lot of people feel nostalgia for the group, or say that they really miss it but feel weird about missing it for some reason or another, often because a handful of people in the group turned into jerks. thats okay to feel that way. we were never perfect, but we were still a big family of people all united by one thing: really silly pokemon crack rp. i wiped the posts on this account just because most of it was embarrassing as hell, but i dont regret being a chessmaster. i had a good amount of accounts, but getting to be one of the most important characters to the existence of the group really felt like an honor.

i still remember all of it. the dumb shenanigans, the art everyone would make from those dumb shenanigans, the chess, steven stoned, the skype groups, archer in the manga, mpreg alberto, gay is elm, its mine alone, the chess, bruno island, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAあああああああああ, all the bee movie and shrek stuff before those memes even hit their peak, the crackshipping that we were passionate enough to make into more than just jokes, the weird furry pokemon rp blogs that were at war with us because why not, the chess, the ridiculous canon we’d built by just going along with whatever happened that day, the post limit blogs we’d make because we were just that unhinged, the big group events, the chess, the joke ocs that grew to be proper serious ocs, the spinoff groups, the ripoff accounts that weren’t affiliated with us, the autoplay everyone had because we were heathens, the mad rush to make new accounts whenever a new Pokemon game was announced, the chess, the photoshops, the odd times ilasgoc stuff would leak out into the rest of tumblr and confuse people (i still see a couple of ancient posts that i know we made and its wild), the chess, the things that are not chess, and lugia

sometimes i still see people from back then still around, or people i suspect were ex-ilasgoc but i usually feel weird to say anything about it. some people moved on with their lives, some people kept making silly content to this day or run pokemon blogs/twitters, some people became Problematic™, some people even still have relationships with their old shipping partners in the group! i still see remnants of the group here and there, and it’s wild. sometimes i still see mentions of ‘that weird crack pokemon group that used to exist on tumblr’, and i feel like some sort of ancient entity carrying knowledge of the old (chess) world. so many people had a history with this dumb group regardless of where they are now or who they became, and i got to be one of them.

anyways, i guess what im saying is that i miss you guys (and chess) a lot and still think about all the friends i had back then. its just like how anyone would look back on a fond memory of their childhood and wish they could experience it for the first time again. it was an honor getting to be larry during those years, and i hope the people that were there back then are living their best lives, or are at least getting by well enough. if anyone does want to reach out to me feel free to drop a message, but just make sure to actually include another way to contact you since i doubt im gonna be checking this account often. i think it would be disrespectful to actually do anything new with this account now that i got back into it again, so instead i leave you with this longass message where i pour my heart out in all lowercase letters. Even though I actually talk more like this, nowadays. Thanks for the memories, and remember:

It’s Like a Simple Game of Chess.

#ilasgoc

[trackinghallownest]

-slides into your dms- tell me about your vessel ocs!!!! Whose your favorite. Everyone has a favorite even if they don't like to admit it! And is it ok if I draw them interacting with my vessel ocs?

HHfngfh gh i’m,,, thank you for this ask i’m dying,, i will absolutely go off if you dont mind me taking this chance!! ft doodles!! because i can!! and you absolutely can draw them with yours i will probably cry and definitely draw interactions back udfkfhvdf;;

some of this i may have mentioned in other posts but i cant for the life of me keep track of what ive put here compared to the discord so! i’m just going to fact dump! and put under a cut so i don’t completely fill peoples’ dashes shkfd

first is gonna be spindle since. i love them. theyre probably my favourite. and also the first i made. theyre just babie

they really are just babey,,

kind of accidentally an endless source of lifeblood which is a long story but its not.. very fun. to be constantly covered in plants. by adulthood most of their torso and one of their limbs is almost completely replaced/encased in plant matter

they take this pretty well actually. even if it gets a lot harder to move

for a vessel they grew up to full size much quicker than others of their kind, likely due to the lifeblood’s properties, but really nobody has much of a clue. didnt have time to get used to their size and still has VERY bad spatial awareness

broke their horn tip by smacking it on a low ceiling hkfdnfbdmvdf

plants bursting out of their shell and eye have pretty badly damaged it, and they can’t see out of the broken eye

theyre trying their hardest!! always!! they can’t move around very well and sometimes get lonely sitting at home in dirtmouth but they’re friendly to just about anybody and have so much love to give

seriously they dont even eat but they like to make sure they have food and drink at home in case anyone drops in and needs it

they’ve never been able to fight, and shy away from violence or combat in all forms

very scared of the dark and carries a lantern with them at all times, usually around their neck

discharges excess lifeblood into soil and grows a garden from it - keeps it from overtaking their body any further, and it’s something to do

not the best at communicating since a wood arm makes signing stiff and tricky, but they’re not much of a talker (signer?) anyway

then we have scratch n thimble who are kinda twins but not really. yeah those are matching scarves they are Bros (sibs??)

scratch FIGHTS THINGS and USES A REAL BIG NAIL

the biggest of all my vessel ocs, just in general. a big and strong friend

made it to the palace but got tossed for starting to care too much and takin a blow for another sibling. saved thimble from dying down there too and they were absolutely inseparable since

really just the embodiment of the ‘you befriended x! x would now die for you’ meme not gonna lie

has almost literally died for Multiple siblings n friends before but they wouldn’t let them. which is, a good thing

too reckless for their own good especially in their younger years but thankfully mellows out quite a bit by adulthood

tries to keep up a strong stoic front but also doesnt hesitate to abandon it if needed. theyre big soft really (they wont admit it tho)

has The Biggest soft spot for kids do not let them tell you otherwise

fought for the sake of it in the colosseum for many years before Stuff And Things involving yet another vessel happened and they kinda trashed the place and never went back

their nail is about as big and heavy as their entire body and they’re surprisingly good at using it for something so unwieldy. could probably crush most bugs just by virtue of it being So Damn Big

spends a lot of time when grown at the howling cliffs keeping an eye on those travelling into the kingdom, and deterring those with malicious intent

they got that eye wound from their sibling… it was technically an accident. they still don’t talk about it though

contrary to their twin thimble is the smallest vessel (as a babby at least - they do end up standing taller than spin and ruth when fully grown)

they have the very unfortunate problem of their shade having fused with void tendrils from the abyss sea as a babby

as such their shade is very violent and kinda has a habit of literally bursting out their shell and lashing out at anything around them under stress

eventually they get a handle on it and learn to control the literally overflowing void inside them but until then their entire life is pretty much a big clusterfuck of trying not to kill people, which they hate

they’re very timid and shy and cling to familiar figures (especially scratch) probably too much, but strike out on their own much more growing up 

theyre very strong and capable, moreso than most magic users, but you wouldn’t guess it. the only time they’d even consider showing it is in another’s defense

uses void tendrils like extra limbs. very functional! can hold many things (or offer many hugs) at once. may be slightly slimy though.

their cloak is very long and would probably benefit from being trimmed shorter but they absolutely refuse to let anyone touch it. its kinda grimy at this point and they trip a lot but don’t do anything about it

friends with a bunch of mossflies they picked up in the gardens! they all have names

can communicate with other void-creatures by sharing some of their own void! this was discovered entirely by accident but very useful, if awkward to explain

sure they’re kinda timid and like being on their lonesome, but they’re also very level-headed and friendly, and get along very well with low-energy quieter sorts of people especially

ruth is a small vessel rn/as far as i’ve worked out a timeline for! i know what they look like big but as far as the content on this blog currently goes theyre just .. smal

actual infant. hadnt actually been wandering out of the abyss that long before being dragged up to the colosseum to fight for sport

really doesnt have much of a clue how to act at first, other than ‘stab things before they stab you’

their name comes from ‘ruthless’, a nickname they got in the colosseum because they literally did not (appear to) give two shits whether they lived or died in battle. they’d just come back, anyway

scratch was the one that found them flinging a nail around and immediately went ‘oh thats a baby. this is bad, actually’

for the first short while of freedom scratch is the only one they’ll let even get close to them, and pretty much clings to them relentlessly. not a moments rest

they were actually pretty badly infected by the time they were broken out but theyre better now (another long story)

doesn’t have a natural cloak - it was ripped out and never grew back in. they make do though! their ‘new’ one was made from part of scratch’s that they ripped off and fixed together. they love it more than anything

once they actually figured out not everyone was out to kill them they stopped fighting back, and became a lot more curious and lively in general

still has a very warped and guarded sense of trust, however

kinda iffy around weapons and reacts badly to confrontation but does eventually learn to fight again (just.. in a better way)

pretty short even when grown, and going by height alone is the shortest when they’re all big

likes picking up pretty trinkets and things and carrying them around. has a few tied to their horns (as well as many pockets)

i have just now decided that spite counts as well! they dont actually survive to adulthood in any timeline i have currently (sorry spite) so big spite is entirely a theoretical but theyre fun to draw so

now spite? spite wins the babiest baby award

has one single braincell that bounces around their shell like a windows screensaver

their name indicates they are capable of feeling any negative emotion or hatred which is entirely untrue. by the time this was figured out they already wouldn’t answer to anything else

absolutely no sense of self-preservation or common sense. they are, in most regards, a very cute and very stupid dog

got lost on their way out of the abyss the first time around, ended up in the lighthouse and met friend mori!! was almost caught but eventually smuggled out and away

spent a lot of the time on the run in city of tears with said friend who was pretty much presumed dead by then. got taken in by a family, enjoyed themselves for a while

…but were eventually caught and thrown right back into the abyss along with mori killing them both for real this time. unfortunately.

cut to MANY years later and oops! their shade fused with the corpse and for some ungodly reason theyre both alive. time for the worst buddy comedy ever ft. literal pile of goop and body parts

spite does not seem to know nor care that theyre dead however

mostly happy to sit up there on mori’s shell and nap for hours at a time or fiddle with literally anything in reach. give them a cool rock and they’ll be entertained for hours. they are but a simple creacher

they do actually eventually learn to use a nail but who’s idea was it to give a child a sword. seriously i just wanna talk

#crazandlion #asks #if you actually read this far i would kill and die for you this took me 3 hours to write #and i think it was maybe worth it #hdfkfdvkjfdhvdhf #it was good to gather my thoughts on em i guess? hell yeah #tthank you;; #my ocs #spindle #thimble #scratch #ruth #spite #this was such a great ask to get i am still reeling i. yes #ohyes!! one last reminder theyre all agender/nb and if you gender them on purpose i'll break ur knees (they/them for all please) #(jk but i will correct you)

[lizzodorito]

quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically,  but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all  the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt 

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted 

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same 

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for 

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so 

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun 

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng 

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME 

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with. 

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to  have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are 

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to  be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

#me

[theamazingcaptdeadpool]

Sinday Meme for Characters Who Share a Brain

The original meme can be found here: x Characters: Wade Wilson (@theamazingcaptdeadpool), Frank Castle (@mementomorimthrfckr) and Ajax (@cantfeelsht) Warning: An abundance of words, massive TMI, cursing duh, threats double duh, Any complaints may be directed at our lawyer; @hellsainted

Frank scoffed as Wade had spent the last three minutes trying to figure out a title, brainstorming no pun intended with himself – and the result he landed on you already read. “That sounds terrible, Wade.” he grumbled and sipped his coffee. A sort of bribe to get him to partake in the thing. “You come up with a better one then, Skulls, and we’ll use that.” Wade fired back, thankful that Frank wasn’t known for his creativity. “What was wrong with the original title?” Ajax wanted to know and crossed his arms. He was leaning nonchalantly against the wall, watching the other two with what one could describe as ‘calm suspiciousness’. “It was too long.” Wade complained. “Not catchy. And we’re replying as ourselves. The original title suggested that the co-pilot do it for us. Or arms dealer. Or whatever the hell you call her.” he explained, because he could see Frank straining as he tried to work it out. Be nice Wade. I’m always nice.  “Why don’t we just get this over with.” Ajax’s stare moved from Frank to Wade. His former subject was the most keen on this, after all – surely he would kick it off.  “Best idea you’ve had, Francis.” Wade murmured as he counted the questions of the meme. “Alright, there are twenty questions. Let the sinning commence!” he clapped his hands and rubbed his palms eagerly. 

“Jesus,” Frank exclaimed and leaned over the table, snatching the laptop from the merc with a dirty imagination mouth. “I’ll read these.” He glowered at Wade who raised his hands in defeat. There was no point in challenging the Punisher this early in the game.   “What muse needs the most attention on sinday?” Frank read and for some reason found himself looking glumly up at Ajax who shook his head.  “Wade it is then.” It wasn’t that Frank wouldn’t mind the attention… he just wouldn’t actively seek it.   “Yeah, that’s a no brainer.” Wade murmured, he had somehow produced whiteboard signs and written “Me!” on one side and “Not me!” on the other. What? I came prepared. I always do. Yes, that is me being suggestive. He gave one to Ajax who reluctantly accepted.  “Just making it easier for us.” He explained, surprisingly caring.  “Whatever it takes to shut you up,” Ajax looked at both sides to make sure he hadn’t written anything funny on his. 

“Easy, Francis,” Wade began only to be interrupted by Frank who read the next question loudly. “Which muse usually stays silent on sinday?” Frank sniffed. He hadn’t partaken in any sindays, yet. “I’m not it.” Wade said quickly. “I love me some sinday. Actually every day is sinday in my book. Doesn’t always have to be sex. Severe procrastination. Excess eating. Pillows of blow…” “You ever hear of TMI?” Frank put the laptop down on the table with more force than he intended.

  Wade wiped one of the sides of his sign clear and wrote “NO!” only to hold it up for Frank to see. None of them had noticed how Ajax was holding up his own sign reading “Me!” and it took all his effort not to wack Wade in the back of the head with it. “Let’s move on.” Ajax shot in, before Wade could start one of his endless rambles. Frank glared at Wade like a teacher glare at the kid in class that won’t ever stay silent – that they’re afraid to take their eyes off because they know they’ll cause trouble. “Share some headcanons about your muses’ sexual and/or romantic orientation… You want to go first, Ajax?” Frank offered without looking at him. “Francis.” Wade corrected him. “Can’t feel. He can’t get it up – and can’t get it off.” Ajax closed his eyes, his jaw tense. “Wade is right.” he murmured. “I’m asexual. Except for specific muses. That has to be talked over in detail.” “Contracts has to be signed. Very Christian Grey. Wouldn’t play with him.” Wade turned towards the room and whispered to no one. Well, at least none that Frank and Ajax were aware of. They shared a moment of confusion, waiting for something to happen – someone to reply. As the silence bordered awkward Frank nodded and continued with the survey; “I’m bi with a preference towards women, but I’m not really looking for anything.” His voice was low. He wet his lips and averted his eyes, bouncing his foot impatiently. 

“I’m pan – the comics has me paired up with women and Spiderman. Over here, meaning Tumblr, I have a preference towards men.” Wade stated the obvious. Frank drew a breath to read the next question, but then Wade continued; “Men with metal arms. Men that are Avengers. Men that’s purple… Is that even a man?” “You done?” Frank wanted to know. They’d missed how Wade had fixed the other side of his sign – and was now holding up a “YES!”. “What are your favourite ship for your muses?” Frank was visibly confused by the question.   “For me it’s the Millenium Falcon,” Wade answered – hoping it would make it easier for the not so shockingly thick marine. “Oh, and I love my warship.” “I don’t ship.” Ajax shrugged. He saw no need to. “Cablepool, Winterpool, Cappool, Hawkpool – the one with Colossus, I forgot its name…” Wade counted on his fingers. “Thunderpool is kinda cute.” “You any idea what he’s on about?” Frank turned towards Ajax. “You don’t want to know, mate.” Ajax said with a sigh. “It’s a question about who you see yourself with.” “No one.” Frank answered shortly. He couldn’t be with anyone, because whoever got close to him ended up dead or worse. 

“Why so glum sugarplum?” Wade leaned forward. “What about Castlevania?” “Are you…” Frank was about to get fired up but by some miracle managed to compose himself. He cleared his throat and shifted. “Nevermind. The next question – “ Frank decided he best ignore the entire thing; he thought they were done with Castlevania. He was not to be ‘shipped’ as the kids called it – with Dracula. “Which muse is the kinkiest?” “Next!” Wade called – he was holding up his sign. “Me!” it read. And maybe that was the truth. Wade is into a lot of things, after all… “Which muse has the strangest kinks?” Frank read warily. Wade slammed his sign down on the table to grab everyone’s attention and held it up again. He pointed to it and looked between the other two; “Unless you want to list some kinks?” “Next.” Ajax nodded towards the screen. “You sure, Francis? I won’t kink shame. Maybe I could interest you in – “ “Next!” Ajax insisted. “Choose one muse and tell us how they lost their virginity.” Frank read. He thought perhaps they could draw straws or… “Rock papers scissors lizard Spock.” Wade said with remarkable speed and accuracy. 

“I lost mine to and older girl at one of the many orphanages I visited.” Ajax said flatly, wanting them to believe that it hadn’t really mattered.   “You’re so boring, Francis.” Wade pouted. “At least give us some details.” “It was quick, messy and left me wanting more.” Ajax squared his jaw. “Satisfied?” “Unlike you’ll ever be again; yes. Thank you. I’m touched, Francis.” Wade sniffed as if he was sincerely moved, whilst Frank hid a chuckle and shook his head, clearly relieved that he didn’t have to spill the beans.

“Each of us have to share a random sex fact… I…” Frank rubbed the back of his neck. “I like it when the woman is on top of me, so I can see her pleasure and have her in control.” he admitted. Wade gave an approving nod. “I prefer to be the sub – to give up the control, but more often than not I’m taking it because I get impatient – I think. What about you Francis? Any sexy secrets about your preferences? Oh that’s right…” “I get off on watching others emotions. Pleasure – pain? Doesn’t matter.” Ajax admitted – his tone threatening. Wade gasped loudly and murmured ‘Sadist’ under his breath. Frank blinked and tilted his head slightly to the side – as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Remind me again why we haven’t killed this guy?” Frank asked Wade. “You tell me. Hey, Francis, would you like to hurt me a little – how about that, huh?” “Yes, how about that?” Ajax pushed off the wall, his eyes like pits of hell. Dark, angry. A far too familiar smirk tugging at his lips. 

Frank’s arm shot out – stopping the villain from getting too close. “You’d like that wouldn’t you?” Wade taunted him. “Yeah,” Ajax snarled – pressing against Frank’s hand. “If you could organise… Seriously who made up these questions? Are these,” Frank turned the laptop around, unable to mask how mortified he felt. “Are you behind these Wade? Because I swear to god…” “I can take the blame for a lot of things – but not that.” Wade pointed at the screen. “Finish the question. I’m curious now.” Frank sighed and tilted his head upwards, as if he was asking for patience. 

“Alright. Alright… Argh… God. If you could organise a threesome involving three of your muses, who would you choose? I guess this one isn’t for us. And… heaven forbid the three of us ever get put in a room together again. Because the next time? I won’t go easy.” Frank pushed Ajax so he fell back against the wall and stared threateningly at Wade. “Careful Frank, he might like it.” Wade taunted. Ajax pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. He hated Wade for his ability to get to him.   “The next one is for her as well. What muse she’d like to write a ship for…” Frank shook his head again. “What the fuck’s up with all these damned boats? Anyway… I assume she’d like to try me out with Billy.” “Kinky.” Wade purred. “I’m already in quite a few ships. If we’re adding to… pfft.” Truth was, Wade was content with his situation, so it took some thinking. “A Nathan would be nice? And no ships for Francis. His ship sank the day he let Michael Jackson Dr. Killebrew fiddle with his body.” Wade clicked his tongue and winked at Ajax. 

“How can you possibly know – “ Ajax began – cut off by Frank as he read the next question. “What are some preferences when deciding whether or not to ship a muse?” Frank frowned at the screen. “Read the rules, play nice, write well – I don’t know.” Wade hummed in agreement.  “And don’t assume we’ll ship – I don’t know about the other two, but I’m picky.” “You? Picky?” Ajax scoffed and leered at him. “Do you get to be?” “Well – I can’t fuck all the people who’s bummed because you couldn’t get it up for them.” Wade fired back. 

Frank rubbed his face – considering shooting them both. Ajax wouldn’t feel it, but he could die. Wade would feel it and couldn’t die. What a trio they were… “Are you guys DONE bickering yet?” he sounded tiredly. “Never,” Wade answered as he breathed in. Ajax rolled his eyes. “I prefer missionary or the cowgirl or whatever it’s known as these days. I like the intimacy. The control or giving up of. I like to touch, to see…” Frank’s words grew with passion as he spoke. Wade blinked and looked at him. “What are you on about?” “The next question. I figured I might finish this on my own and get the hell out.” Frank was done with the bullshit.   “What was the question?” Wade put his hands on the table and leaned forward. “Headcanons, sex positions.” Frank scratched his cheek, and glanced up at Ajax. “You outta this one, too?”

“Against a wall… Or relentless teasing,” Ajax didn’t even get to finish before Wade corrected him; “Endless foreplay,” “To draw as much sound from the other part as possible.” Ajax blinked and turned slowly towards Wade. “What about you then, collared and on your knees begging for it?” 

“Actually that’s not that far from the truth. But I like a lot of things. Depends on my partner and whether I’m giving up control or not.” Wade shrugged. “How much time – “ Frank already began reading the next question. “ – none, then.” Wade sighed. “Has she written smut for you guys? Because that’s a no for me.” Frank didn’t take his eyes off the screen – this he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Ajax arched an eyebrow and cocked his head, Wade nodded vigorously. “I suppose neither of you know whether she prefers to write it or not?” Frank huffed and leaned back into his chair. “How are we supposed to answer these questions when they’re not even… yes… Wade?” Much to his surprise Wade has raised his hand. 

“Thank you. I happen to know that she don’t mind writing smut, but she has to feel comfortable with the person she’s writing it with.” “Multiship or singleship?” Frank turned to Ajax. He couldn’t stand the guy, but at least he’d had the decency to explain some of these things to him. “Is no ship an option?” Ajax smirked. It should be pretty clear at this point that he didn’t ship. “It is now. I’m on the fence. I wouldn’t ship with someone exclusively I think.” Frank grimaced at himself, as he was now using Tumblr and games own terms.   “Good call, Frank! For me it’s multiship all the way.” Wade drew a horizontal line in the air before him. “I’m not exclusive either.” “Huh, I think we just answered the next question. So… What is our shipping preferences? Weren’t we over that? Chemistry?” Frank thought that slow-burn sounded nice, but neither of the other guys seemed like the “slow burn” type. He didn’t know how wrong he was in his assumptions. “Yeah. What would you call my ship with Thanos? Because… that’s like… unhealthy. Toxic ships? I guess we’re semi into that? Aren’t we Francis?” Wade winked at him. Damn was he having a field day. Ajax on his end just shook his head and slammed his shoulders back against the wall. “What’s an OC?” Frank glanced up from the screen, relieved that they were close to done.  “Original character. We don’t really do those.” Wade knew that was frowned upon in the roleplaying community, but he didn’t give a shit. “I don’t know about you, but I have more than enough with the canon characters.” On most days, he actually had more than enough with himself. Ajax and Frank both seemed on board with that. 

“So,” Frank turned the laptop off and pulled the screen down. “That’s it. We’re done. Let’s never do it again.” his knees cracked as he stood up. 

“Or the next time we can get naked and –“ Wade began,  Frank pulled his gun and aimed it straight at his crotch. 

“You don’t want to finish that sentence.” his voice was low, barely audible.  “You don’t want to shoot me, Francis might get off on it.” Wade kindly reminded him.  “Oh my fucking…” Frank rubbed his face and headed out of the room. There wasn’t enough booze in the world to make him forget. 

“Hey – are you off to kill someone? Do you have a team yet – hey Frank, wait up!” Wade picked up his swords and chased after the Punisher. Ajax sighed and pushed his shoulders down. Being around Wade always made him tense up. He rolled his head from side to side, then left through the back door – half expecting the two of them to be waiting to kill him.

If you made it this far, please let me know what you think. No, Frank didn’t kill Ajax. Yet. 

#so much sinday answered in one lengthy fucking thing #i'm not sorry #sinday #sinday meme #answered meme #ficlet #deadpool rp #wade wilson rp #frank castle rp #the punisher rp #francis freeman rp #ajax rp #marvel rp #drabble

[lilyths-blog1]

♦ : ^ ). You can set this in our normal verse or write that lil scene I told you about that coulda happened in America.

Intimacy Meme. — (( @rinadealga

♦: Slow dancing.

The ear numbing cacophony of overzealous shouting, singing, and overall merriment echoed throughout the halls of the White House; sounding so strongly within the now mess hall that the walls quivered. The atmosphere was electrified with excitement and anticipation . . Only causing the crowd of celts to grow louder and more rowdy by the second as the aura gradually grew stronger.

They were celebrating; Celebrating the final approaching battles, completely assured that with the power of a grail, their beastly king, and his newfound magus that the said battles were already won. A grave mistake, perhaps, for any other battalion . . But even SHE knew that they were not overestimating themselves. It was entirely possible that they would win . . Against Chaldea, the savior of humanity, and likely every battle to come after that. They would win here, and the world she’d left behind would end in flames.

Rubied hues stare out, over hundreds of exclaiming, joyous heads . . Scanning the groups and crowds below her balcony perch as a realization hits her. It does not strike her with force as it should have . . It is not the mind shattering, gut wrenching thought that it should have been. It’s subtle, and simply put, and by the time it even becomes a true thought, she’s already accepted it.

Her mind had wandered for a moment, and now as it returns, she brushes her fingers along the balconies marble rails before walking from it; Leaving the bustling main hall behind her as she walks into the somewhat darkened presidential suite.

The heels upon her feet click softly as she moves to take a seat upon the side of the bed, reminding her of the dull ache they’ve caused upon her soles. With a sigh, she reaches down and removes them, bending down and placing the pair to the side . . As her head raises once again, a glint of silver catches her eyes, and she pauses.

Slowly sitting to her full height, a satin gloved hand reaches out, fingers gingerly curling about the chipped music box on the nightstand. Staring down at it for a moment, her free hand reaches for the small key about her neck . . It had never worked before. Clearly broken when they had found it during their excursion . . A peace of junk with no use to anyone any longer, left to ruin along with the building about it as the war raged on. Naught but fancy scrap metal now . . And she had only been allowed to keep it back then because she had promised to keep her mouth shut.

It had never worked before, just a small chunk of wood and metal that shouldn’t have been able to bring joy to anyone anymore; Completely useless. So . . There was no point in trying to play with it anymore. Her free hand drops back to her lap now, eyes dimming as she stares down at the music box, thumb idly pawing along its sides.

No . . No. She should try again. Maybe some sort of miracle would occur and this time it would work? Her hand once again reaches for the key, removing it from about her neck and sticking it into the music box’s keyhole. With a deep inhale, Selena twists the key slowly . . Around, and around, until she hears a soft ‘click,’ indicating that it could be turnt no further. Holding her breath, she slides the key from the hole . . Soft mechanical whirs come from within, and her eyes light up seeing the top of the box slowly lift open . . Revealing a miniature ballerina upon a spring. A singular musical note resounds from the box, and the ballerina begins to turn. Ah, was it actually going to—?

But no. It falls silent after that. Excitement immediately dissipating, Selena places the music box back down upon the nightstand with a defeated exhale.

The sound of the door opening behind her alarms the woman, though she knows by the sound of the footsteps that follow that she has no need to be startled. With her eyes glued upon the music box, she waits for him to speak.

‘It was your idea, remember? So . . Why aren’t you out there?’

It had been her idea; Some sort of get together . . One last, large shindig of sorts to raise morale . . And it had certainly worked judging by the ever present buzzing from the main hall. It was a party, and everyone was enjoying it, except her. So, why wasn’t she out there?

Sighing, Selena puts on a half-smile, glancing back at the mad king over her shoulder, “ . . And YOU’RE their king. Shouldn’t YOU be down there too?” When had she grown so bold? How could she sit there and speak to carnage made man with such cheek? She didn’t remember when the feelings had shifted . . But she did know, that had she been anyone else, she wouldn’t have been sitting there intact for much longer.

Meeting his gaze, they’re silent for a moment and the quiet fills the room, her eyes returning to the music box, “It was my idea, yeah. But, I’m not much for crowds, honestly. They make me queasy.” She was lying, partly. She had no problem with crowds, but . . She WAS feeling queasy. As for why? It was easier to know and accept than explain. This seemed to be the one time a fib of hers had actually been convincing judging by the berserkers tone (tinged with worry so faint it would be unnoticeable by most,) when next he spoke.

‘Then rest. You’re going to need your strength tomorrow. I’ll go get some water—’

He must’ve seen the way she was shaking her head because he paused there and waited, “No. I don’t need it.” Silence consumes the suite once again until, at last, the magus stands. Walking about the side of the bed, she makes her way to stand before the man before extending a hand . . A soft smile taking its place upon her lips.

“This is a party, isn’t it? I don’t know about you guys but, at OUR parties . . Theres usually dancing. And since I don’t see anyone else up here, I guess you’re just going to have to dance with me.”

She watches with slight amusement as a wave of confusion washes over his face . . Though it’s soon replaced with resignation before her hand is engulfed in the claws and scales adorning his own. Slowly raising her opposite hand, she moves closer so it can gently grasp his free hand and place it upon her hip before it trails its way up his arm to perch upon his shoulder.

And as the first step of their waltz is taken, just as her now bare toes land against the floor; The music box begins to play.

Eyes now fixated upon her partners, she grips his hand firmly as she leads them both about the room in gradual circles. The white noise of the main hall suddenly forgotten as she focuses in upon the gentle melody filling the room. It was strangely peaceful considering what was happening . . As if the world outside had gone and poofed away for the moment. No party, no celts, no war . . Just her, and him, and the music box.

And when at last the music stops, and feet along with it; She decides. No, she’d already decided, from the moment those command seals had appeared on her hand . .

Her eyes fall to the ground now, though she doesn’t let go of him just yet.

“ . . Tomorrow.” A pause as she inhales, “Tomorrow is it. Tomorrow is our last fight . . At least for now.” And now her gaze rises again, “We’re going to win. And when we do, you’re . . Really going to be king around here.” Theres blatant confusion on his face now . . And she understands why.

“I must sound really fucked up right now, right? After all, this was all a mistake. I was never supposed to be here to begin with . . And then you locked me up, forced me to make a pact with you . . Made me fight against the people I was supposed to be fighting to save. Not to mention you pretty much forced yourself on me multiple times—” She pauses, shaking her head, “Yeah . .  I’ve gotta be screwed up in the head or something . . But that’s okay. I’ve already forgiven you.”

“ . . I’ve . . Never been able to do anything for anyone. Never once have I ever felt that I’ve been of use to anyone no matter how hard I tried. No matter how desperately I strived or how much I pushed myself . . I’ve never been useful, I’ve never been enough.”

“I poured years of my life into training . . To become a magus actually worth a damn. I gave up a normal life . . So that for once I could be useful to someone. And thats why I went to Chaldea . . Because surely they could make use of me there, right . . ?” A quiet, sorrowful laugh escapes her after this, “But, of course not. In the end, Fujimaru was the only one they cared about . . And I ended up being nothing but a bother they pushed grunt work on so they wouldn’t feel bad because I had nothing to do.”

“Then I come here, and I become your . . Master. And god I hated you. I should STILL hate you, you know? You’re my enemy . . You’re my WORLDS enemy at this point, you are what stands between a future of prosperity, and one that ends in fire. But . .”

“But you’re the only one who could make use of me . . you’re also the only person who’s ever NEEDED me. And after years . . And years of searching for that, to find it here of all places . .” Her voice gradually turns whisper like as she speaks . . She’s shaking now, it’s barely noticeable but . .

Selena lets go now, stepping back . . And when she raises her chin, tears have begun to stream down her face, “Please . . Just say that, after tomorrow, you’ll still need me. Even if it’s just as a mana source . . So long as you continue to need me . . “

“Then, I’m content staying here with you. Forever.”

#rinadealga #°【IC #°【Asks #❣【 ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴍᴀʏ ʙᴇ sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴀsɴ'ᴛ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ — CúLena #Long post #//Under a readmore for length #V: E Pluribus Unum

[thelifetimechannel]

The Dave and Dirk log, for obvious reasons, was something I wanted to try very hard to get right. That meant although we drafted it together via msparp, as was our custom, I ended up overhauling it way more than any of our other combo walkaround logs. A few chunks did survive the transfer, though.

In other news, we’ve made a solemn pact to finish TLC over winter break, which is good because I’m running out of bonus content. Hopefully we’ll have some assets to show off soon. I’ve already seen a few; they’re very nice.  

DIRK: Hey, dude. You did pretty well out there. DIRK: Didn't even die once. DAVE: twice in a day is my max im satisfied with keeping that record DAVE: even if getting machinegunned is rapidly becoming my "thing" DIRK: Seems we each have our respective "signature deaths". DIRK: Or at least it ain't a party until I get decapitated. That sure was something we needed to do again. DIRK: Just once, for old time's sake. DAVE: well that puts the nail in the meme coffin DAVE: any time you panic someones gonna tell you to keep your head on DAVE: like keeping your hair on except you know that shit aint going anywhere its probably shellaced DIRK: That shit is bolted to the floor. Did you know I walked around with a girly-ass pink tiara on my head this whole day and had no idea? DIRK: I had no idea. Couldn't feel a thing. DIRK: And people let me do that. DIRK: Can't fuckin' believe it. DAVE: oh DAVE: i figured you knew DIRK: I am less than pleased with my Skaia-ordained divine color scheme. DIRK: But I guess I have to live with it. It's part of the team aesthetic. DAVE: you could always change DIRK: Nah, with the tiara and tights ditched I have at least mitigated the enforced flamboyance. It's bearable. DIRK: I can't be the one dude out of uniform. Couldn't bear the shame. DAVE: my outfit is pretty sick ngl DAVE: sburb knows everyones secret desire is to have a cape DIRK: Unfortunately, mine isn't long enough to also make for a good tactical maneuver. DIRK: Not gonna lie, that was pretty funny. DAVE: if nothing else my attempts at combat can provide a source of humor in our lives DAVE: but honestly id be fine if my fighting days were over DAVE: i was never into it DAVE: rose on the other hand was obviously itching to beat people up DAVE: one of those 12 year olds who wants to get jumped in an alley to work out her suppressed anger DIRK: Maybe Skaia did make a few miscalculations in dumping your asses with your respective guardians. I think you'd get along well with Roxy and her cats, make her budget her time away from the alcohol. DIRK: ...in theory. DIRK: Rose can go a few rounds with me if she wants, we still need to sort out who has the rights to document our legendary journies. DAVE: ill plan your funeral DAVE: what kind of flowers do you want DIRK: ...there's different kinds? DAVE: damn thats right you grew up in waterworld DAVE: these choices matter DAVE: allegedly theres a thing called "flower language" DAVE: whether you can actually send someone a boquet telling them to meet you in the pit i dont know DIRK: Like, I get that, in theory, different kinds of flowers exist. But I fully anticipate any attempt on my part to conjugate in the language of said plants would end in my coffin declaring my hovercraft was indeed full of eels. DIRK: Maybe it'll have thorns on it. Or it'll be like the sixteen millions tons of green bullshit covering my land and making my nose itch. DAVE: probably DIRK: Worst case scenario, I'll pick out something orange and present to a prospective love interest and it'll mean something like "my brotherly passion for you knows no boundaries, and also no homo". DAVE: my bro wouldnt go for flower arranging DAVE: or pink tiaras DAVE: he was pretty uptight about the whole rah rah macho act DAVE: probably subscribed to alpha males weekly DAVE: which is weird considering DAVE: well DAVE: youre gay right DIRK: Uh. DIRK: Well. DIRK: My symbolic quest land is not covered in green bullshit, but I. DIRK: Happen to like watching birds, if you know what I mean. DIRK: Fuck, you probably don't know what that means. Jake and his goddamn thousand euphemisms. DAVE: cant say i do no DIRK: Nobody knows what it means but Jake. It's an old time epithet for being into dudes. DIRK: He knows all the old epithets, including some I suspect he made up. DAVE: so DAVE: thats a yes DAVE: in a roundabout way that includes birds DIRK: I've never denied it. DIRK: I'm just. DIRK: Not a huge fan of the word. Why, in this world post-society, do we need to confine ourselves to labels like "gay"? Such constraints were washed away from my world with the rest of the human race. DAVE: holy shit that was such a pretentious dodge DAVE: dont let rose hear you say that DIRK: Rose can hear all she likes. DAVE: but anyway DAVE: i wasnt asking to get up all in your business like SOME PEOPLE DAVE: who are so into getting into other peoples businesses theyre basically the fucking mafia or the irs DAVE: but DAVE: it explains some stuff DAVE: but on the other hand it doesnt DAVE: the way you raised me was kinda aggressively mainstream masculine enough that it wasnt something that ever seemed to come up as an option DAVE: [describe that type of culture and mindset better later, I KNOW what i mean but im tired rn lmao] DAVE: and anything outside of that id just brush off because it couldnt apply to me DAVE: and that went for pretty much everything that went against what you wanted for me DAVE: including that DIRK: And yet, here the man was, subconsciously shrieking his desire for floppy felt dong through, DIRK: What I guess you could call his art, for want of any other applicable word at all. God, the mental images are crawling up the insides of my skull like the Exorcist child, do I want to know? DAVE: probably not DAVE: guess trying to act peak male has its drawbacks DAVE: weirdly enough troll culture is obsessively hyperviolent but doesnt give a shit about sexuality DAVE: they dont see the difference most of the time i guess DAVE: and so like DAVE: maybe it rubs off on you because in some ways that kind of makes sense DAVE: but after so long its hard to know what i feel and what it means because i spent so long ignoring it DAVE: so i guess i was wondering DAVE: if you had anything that might help with that DAVE: or if youre also trapped in this whirling screaming maelstrom of bullshit DAVE: while kinsey sits in the eye of the storm laughing DIRK: Wait, wait, wait. DIRK: You're coming to me. DIRK: For advice. DIRK: Do you know what a laughable hurricane of disaster my interpersonal life has been? DIRK: Like, in a weird way, I'm kind of honored, especially since about five hours ago you were scared shitless to be around me, but. DIRK: I'm standing here and waving my credentials in the air just to display how I don't fucking have any. My degree is a sham and my hands are empty except for a crudely scribbled on piece of construction paper. DAVE: are you suggesting theres a gay university DAVE: where you study bird watching DIRK: Do I look like a man who's been to college? DAVE: fair DAVE: but like DAVE: your friends know DAVE: how did you broach the subject there DIRK: I might as well have been dating a Yoko Ono for the devastation it wreaked on our friend group, so yeah, it was a little hard to ignore. DIRK: Compounded by the fact some smartass from Gay University was using my social circle for romance geometry homework. DIRK: It wasn't even a love triangle so much as a love roundabout. DAVE: ok but thats just because you were a dipshit not a gay dipshit DAVE: they were chill about the first part right DIRK: Thanks. DIRK: I mean... Roxy always seemed disappointed. DAVE: luckily i dont think anyones waiting in line for me DAVE: i guess im blowing it out of proportion DAVE: i dont think anyone will MIND DAVE: no one did about rose and kanaya DAVE: didnt even question the vampire bit which goes to show what our lives are like these days DAVE: like ok our outfit has vampires now DAVE: thats a thing that we have DAVE: if i say oh hey i might be bisexual theyll just say sure pull up a chair at the acronym table DAVE: the only one who might be weird about it is john DAVE: but hed be just as weird if i told him id changed my favorite color hes just like that DAVE: the only person its really a big deal for is me DIRK: Jane was a little bit like that. I'm pretty sure the only reason she had to object was because she found out the day I made a move on her crush. DIRK: It might just be growing up in a household where you're not regularly fighting for your life, and thus what genders are kissing whom has the space to be higher on your priority list. DAVE: that aint anyones priority these days DAVE: im prepared to acknowledge the concept that hey maybe everyone elses lives dont revolve around me and my personal drama or self revelations might have some merit at least as a hypothesis DAVE: when i met kid english he kept going on about how i was the most important person and everyone else was side characters DAVE: and maybe ive acted like that sometimes DIRK: Yeah, like you alone are the one responsible for everyone around you. DAVE: and maybe ive acted like i think that way too sometimes DAVE: ive been wrong about people DAVE: people i care about people i shouldve known better DAVE: i was wrong because i wanted to believe things that matched how i wanted the world to be DAVE: things that made it easier for the story i was telling myself DAVE: i dont think kid english meant to call me on it but damn DIRK: Reality is, after all, something we construct for ourselves. DIRK: I think maybe I knew that all along when I surfaced for air inbetween shoving my head as far up my ass as it would go. DIRK: Or maybe that's just what I try to tell myself in hindsight. DAVE: well if it takes a hyperactive 12 year old version of the final bosss creepy hero worship of me to make a point i guess thats not the least subtle way the universe has sent me a message lately DIRK: You want unsubtle? Let me tell you about my damn planet quest. DAVE: haha DAVE: i didnt have to do much of my quest because im invisible DAVE: thanks mom DIRK: My denizen practically sat me down like it was my life coach and growled in my ear about improving my communication skills with a guy I told to go fuck himself not eighteen hours prior. DIRK: So while I'm glad SBURB has a vested interest in me repairing my friendships, playing electroshock death DDR with him was a little on the nose. DAVE: maybe getting shot again wasnt that bad DAVE: so weve all learned our life lessons good job team DIRK: Exactly. Can we wrap this up now? Can we please go rest? DIRK: I'm so exhausted I haven't even noticed I'm still hungover. DAVE: sure thing DAVE: but if i need tips on leaping out of a closet to intimidate passerby i might text you DIRK: I mean, I can try. As long as you don't ask me for dating tips. That, I definitely shouldn't be helping you with. DIRK: Go talk to your sister for that. DIRK: ...wouldn't she, by the transitive property of siblings, also be my sister? DAVE: yeah i guess DAVE: but theres no way in hell im asking rose for dating advice DAVE: on her first date which she refused to admit was romantically oriented she got wasted in anticipation forgot to show up and then fell down the stairs DIRK: Oh my god. DAVE: she tries to look like shes got her shit together but its a lie DAVE: if you find my corpse floating on lolar in the next few hours dont let the truth die with me DIRK: Why are we like this? DIRK: Is there actually something hardwired into our DNA that predisposes us to being disasters? DIRK: But, that aside. DIRK: I won't object if it's me you come to talk to. DAVE: ill hold you to it DAVE: and if you ever want to publicly you admit you DAVE: "enjoy birdwatching" DAVE: in less vague and evasive terms DAVE: ill have your back DIRK: Thanks.

#bonus content

[darkwingggggdyke]

Yo, so I set up this tumblr to just sorta let myself live a little so I’m gonna just make my first official post some meaningful rant bullshit to just....vent. Fucking somewhere. Ya know? And then it’ll just be stupid memes or whatever. I don’t know, I’ve never been good at sticking with any particular sort of content on here haha.

So I’m here to sort of allow myself to explore my sexual identity. And how I got to this point in my life is one hell of a story, honestly, and it’s one that seems like it would have been more commonplace a good ten years ago or so- but I’m from the Bible Belt so I guess being in a weird time loop is just. Normal.

A good chunk of my life, I assumed I was asexual. And I still think, to some degree, I still fall somewhere on that spectrum. But while I had boy crazy phases, once I actually interacted with boys it sort of died. I always preferred “going after” people I didn’t think would ever like me back. Be it polar opposites or teachers, the more unattainable the better. It was safe that way, because I’d never have to actually do anything.

And honestly I cannot think of a single instance in my high-school career where that wasn’t the case. Meanwhile, I kept weirdly intense female friendships. One of which I may bring up again at some point if anyone gives a shit about life story stuff. And while a generally masculine girl, I never really questioned my sexuality. Or I guess to be more accurate, I never allowed myself. I was homeschooled by a manipulative and mentally ill woman obsessed with religion and the only time I could leave my house was church. And if you’ve ever been to a southern baptist church, you can see why it wasn’t something I let myself think on.

Growing up, I also had my uncle who helped take care of me when shit got too nuts with my mom. Which, trust me, was more often the not. The thing about him though was that not only was he gay, but he was completely disowned by his parents and they spent about 12 years not speaking to him. And it killed him. Killed him to a point that he let “Jesus heal him “ and he’s been broken and alone ever since.

As I got older, I didn’t care too much about romantic stuff. I acted like it, because boy howdy does my ass love the flair of a good romantic drama, but not to a point I thought it was something that would ever actually happen for me. I just knew it wasn’t something I could do. No matter who I loved I didn’t think I’d be good enough. Some of that was warping from the people raising me, some of that was mental illness. All of it pushed people away if they actually got close.

At 18, I met a girl. From the first second I saw her sitting in the floor of the upstairs dorm, I could sense there was something almost cosmic about her. She had the body of a Greek goddess and a wit and soul that seemed far older than anyone in the written pantheon. She’s important to the story as a whole, but that first year in Christian college we became best friends and now a part of my soul resides in hers and I don’t know if she realizes that it’s hers forever. Again. She’ll come up not just later in this story, but I can bet your sweet asses I will post about her from time to time.

At 21 I had my first kiss, and while there were plenty of things that I can say made him an unlikeable douchewad, the thing I hated the most about that guy was that he wanted to have sex and the thought genuinely repulsed me. Which seemed normal to my mentally ill and borderline asexual ass, to not want that. But all of my experiences with him did very much point out that it isn’t. At least not how I experienced it, I guess. I didn’t put out and he ran for the hills and I’d never been happier to be over something- but I spent a good chunk of time in this pit of self hatred because I couldn’t comprehend why I didn’t want to have sex with him.

From that point, I lowkey gave up. Because if I can’t have sex with a person, I assumed I had no romantic value. I decided I’d let myself try to figure out my gender identity. Because as someone who’s intersex, 21 is about when it started becoming a major problem for me, my naughty bits trying to kill me and all. But I’d always had a complicated relationship with femininity- maybe that was why. I talked to the people who were close to me, reached out. Explored. So on.

I also realized that my feelings towards the aforementioned darling girl weren’t super platonic, got the balls to ask her out (she said yes), but I assumed because I was still so weird about the sex topic that she wouldn’t want to be with me like *that* so I changed my mind a few days later.

For some reason she didn’t hate me.

I would have.

But I guess the point of this whole rant is that THATS the mindset that’s fucking stupid.

So time rolls on, and aforementioned girl also comes to where I live to visit me, as gals who are pals are want to do, and has a surprise gay intervention awaiting her at home. I tell her not to fly home. She doesn’t. With nothing to her name, she stayed with me and chose her own happiness over people like that.

I admire her so much for that.

I wish I had gotten to that point myself so much sooner.

More time passes. Friends come and go, hookups come and go sparser. She finds a guy that asks her out and I slowly lose my mind all while refusing to asknowledge why. I finally have sex with some dude I found online that seemed like he’d handle it pretty clinically. And I wanted to see what was so great about the ordeal. Turns out nothing. It was miserable. And not just because I ended up injured and you’d think since he was a nurse he wouldn’t panic about injuring someone with a shallow ass puss but he ran out of the house in panic and I was left somehow so much more goddamn shallow than i started.

The guy my best friend is with starts to treat me like shit. I try not to say anything so I don’t look jealous and instead come up with nonsense reasons to hate him. But then he starts treating her worse. Leaving without any notice. Stalking the house for no reason.

And she just... rolls with it. And I can’t help but find myself overcome with the knowledge that I would be better for her. I would love her, for starters. I would worship her. I would make sure she remembered that she is so smart and brave and the kindest person I know. She has so much heart that I don’t, and she’s so sure of herself- even when she’s not.

And that’s when it hits me that my feelings are still not platonic.

She dumps him because she loves me, and finally telling her he was a jackass to me is what makes all the difference.

But even still, I keep my realization locked air tight. I can’t tell her. If I end up not able to have sex with her, I wouldn’t just be robbing her of a relationship people would approve of. Sure I’ve thought about her ass a lot. But everyone does. (If anyone gets a time machine and gets to talk to me, please tell me how stupid I am)

And then she goes to see her family for Christmas and it all comes crashing out of me. And I tell her. I tell her that I am madly, suffocatingly, life alteringly, unshakably in love with her.

And she loves me too.

And even now I still kinda feel like I’m being punked. But then I remember that I love her so much that it’s almost easy to forget what hating myself feels like.

And then time rolls by and I let myself think the things I never let myself before. And I realize I might not be robbing her of sex after all because goddamn is she sexy. Her eyes are like forget me nots, her mind never ceases to amaze me. She permanently smells like lavender and spices that speak of magic. Her thighs as soft as the laughter that bubbles from her lips like honey.

So yeah. That’s why I’m here now. To just revel in being gay. To sorta document the process of figuring this shit out. To talk about my hot as fuck future wife. And Gina Rodriguez. Because the more I let myself, the more I think I might have been a little wrong in how I’d viewed myself previously. Because I was still trying to find a lens I could be viewed in that would still let me have the family that honestly doesn’t even matter anymore.

#coming out post i guess? #coming out #queer #lesbian #bisexual #pansexual #wlw #intersex #lgbtq #gay #gay rant #older gay #personal

[tumblunni]

OH FUCK U GUYS SHOULD I BUY ALL THE KINDGOM HEARTS IN A ONCENESS???

Holy jesus i knew they did hd ps4 ports of the playstation games but they ALSO added all the final mix content that engkishspeaking fans never got during my childhood? And they ALSO remade chain of memories entireky in 3d with Very Animated Ice Dad?? And they ALSO remade BBS despite it not needing it nearly as much as the old games and thet ALSO remade friggin dream drop distance which came out on a goddamn current gen console?? Like they seriously just made a non portable version?? Now all the spinoffs are on the same console at last?? Why did you not just do this in the first place?? I mean the psp and 3ds games were basically ps2 equivelant graphics and disc space anyway...

Oh and fuckin ALLLLSOOOOO

Also the final mixes of all of those! Also a movie version of the plot of khux! And also Coded and Days, which is a really big shame cos Coded is indeed sparse enough on content to deserve it but Days was my FAVOURITE GAME and it sucks its the only one that didnt get remade! I mean its in the same spinoff category as bbs and com, its not a cheapo mess like coded. Nothing else in the series deserves to be shoved in the Coded bin, even khux at least has better plot even if the backtracking and lootbox shit makes it harder to get to it...

Anyway ALSO a random new sidestory with Aqua going thru like one dungeon or somethin?? I dunno?? Its like a glorified tech demo for kh3, its just 'hey fuckin look what we can do visually on a proper ps4 game' and wow how have i never fuckin heard of this it looks so pretty!! I mean i dont know if its even more than 5 hours or somethin but.. Pretty!! And apparantly you get unlockable costumes for her or somethin? I hope they keep that feature in kh3! Itd rock if it wasnt just the main character too, and we could dress up riku and kairi and goofy and donald and roxas and axel and every the friends :3 new secret to how they defeat xehanort: slap a bow on his damn head

ALSO ALSO

All of this is available in one big bundle pack for £90 which ALSO contains literally kh3. THIS IS HOW THEYRE HANDLING PREORDERS?? THATS SUCH A GOOD WAY TO HANDLE PREORDERS!! Get a discounted price on this new game but while youre waiting for it you get to enjoy an (also discounted) giant fuckin 300 hours memory lane compilation of every damn thing from the last 15 years in one beautiful updated package. Holy fuck its like they made this for ME SPECIFICALLY!this is the perfect way to get people back into the franchise who dropped off in The Great KH3 Wait cos they couldnt afford all the damn million portables needed to gather that Dank Lore. God fuckin hell it cost more than the price of this bundle just to play any one of those games individually on some stupid retro machine i bought exclusively for that one damn game. THAT PSP STILL ROTS IN MY KITCHEN CUPBOARD YO

So

So so so so so

Guys

Please give me permission to buy this

Or like please convince me not to waste my money if you think i'd waste my money??

I really just DONT KNOW! ive been out of the fandom for so long and my last experience was really hatting BBS and feeling horribly out of place as everyone else raved about it being the best thing ever. And i know NOTHING about what kh3 is gonna be or whether its even possible for me to get back into the fandom and like.. Care about it at all again. I just got fuckin fatigued with it and my teenage years were like me clinging on to the edge of a cliff by my fingernails begging everyone to believe me that Its Still Good, Honestly, Its Worth It while square enix is up there all LONG LIVE THE KING and they push me off. Into a stampede of PSPs. Somehow.

And then aaargh i know i literally only came back to the fandom because organization xiii fuckin eternally holds my heart in their lil grabby hands. It was indeed a good nostalgic moment remembering how i loved them! And getting a new appreciation for Vexen and being blown away by how much he should have been my favourite but i just never got to play COM as a kid and then when i played it as an adult all the way after bbs i ended up quitting before even getting to meet half the org cos this one stupid 'defeat 99 shadows jn 99 seconds' mission kicked my ass. I'M JUST NOT GOOD AT ACTION RPGS OKAY!

Aaaagh thats another Big Worry, yknow? Like asa kid i was Bad, as an adult i'm Barely Better , and as a both i never enjoyed beat em up thingies of any kind at all. And on top of that i was never big into disney, i never saw them as any sort of 'childhood magic' but just some naff cliche shit retelling public domain fairy tales in the safest way possible with a bunch of obnoxious celebrity cameos. Also lion king and snow white terrified me as a kid. Also i associated robin hood with my dead grandma. Also as a kid i couldnt appreciate good artistic ability or voiceacting, i was all about the story, yknow? And most of kh's adaptations are really rushed and barebones versions of an already shoddy story, without any of the visual splendor. ALSO i never saw any of the darker or more emotionally focused stuff like Hunchback and Beauty and the Beast until way after i quit playing kingdom hearts, oddly enough. Wtf beauty and thebeast is actually real good and looks so far beyond its time!! Wtf hunchback has my goddamn evil dad in it!! Why did i miss the only good didneys!! Why did snow white traumatize me and those didnt!!

ANYWAY the point im getting at is that im not inherantly predisposed to like.. Any of kingdom hearts's appeal at all. I didnt know half the disneys and i didnt have any hype for the others. None of my fave final fantasy games made it into it until the sequel and then never again after that. CMON I CANT JUST DEAL WITH ONE VIVI CAMEO Y'ALL! And i haaaate the genre and its an uphill struggle to play a game like that with my stupid inelegant sausage hands. So i just came for the story and then everything after the first game has been conspiring to ruin it for me, sheesh! I felt so much for that short concise self contained first episode and then i fall more and more out of love as they establish this status quo of everything being retconnable so dont bother get attatched to it. Blablabla the entire worldbuilding is different now and everyone was secretly someone else and please memorize a bunch of shit from fifty fuckin spinoffs and also time travel and cloning suddenly exist and ALSO Grandpa Onlyblackmanintheworld is generic motiveless evil and everything was him even of it looked like it was actually a sympathetic villain. *insert dio meme face*

So yeah now im just.. In it for the characters?? And the cute art style and monsters and lovely animations and big fanfic oc potentials stuff. But man even tho i had Big Feel for those things i was able to completely drop it all and forget about the series for years, that was just HOW BAD the kh3 drought was. Steven universe hiatus eat your heart out...

So ffff i dont even KNOW if i'll be able to get feels'd for these characters again or if they actually hold up to modern bunni standards of huggable. And i know all the ones i want to hug the most got like zero sympathy and all died horribly and were also retroactively revealed to be clone oldmanvirus somethingy and aaaaaagh. But also something something people say they all came back and got cured?? And this is why?? I am here?? Again?? And buying?? The thing??

Like man fuck i am already building it up so much in my head aaaa what if i dont actually love axel as much as i used to love axel and i dont love Grumply Science as much as i always love That Character Archetype seriously MAN how was he like THE ONLY ONE I DIDNT GET TO SEE AS A KID

Aaauuuuaggh gahhh like maybe this will reignite my passion for the series or maybe i'll just be all critical and dumb and waste all my moneys

Guys... What do??

#tho i mean i did see the five seconds of vexen u get in days and i know generally what he's like from wikis and fanart #i just mean that i dont know how he really is in his actual starring game and whether any of the sympathetic dadness is canon #plz do #i wanna cry for dad #i mean u made me suddenly cry for saix and ship him with axel as soon as all that stuff was revealed in bbs #i also never finished bbs so i dont know how much we got to learn about apprentice era vexen and baby zexion #like is it actually canon that vexen was his fathee figure? do you actyally see them being cute? #or are people just theorizing? #its so hard to know whats theories in this fandom cos when u waited for a sequel for almost a decade there are a lot of theories lol

[unproduciblesmackdown]

posting to say im vanishing for some unknown amount of time rofl

making this post to say i won’t have internet access for an indefinite amount of time going forward. like, it could be a week or you know, any other amount of time. which you know, sucks, because it seems annoying to complain about like oh damn i can’t reblog memes but for me the internet is a way to be connected to like, anyone else in the world, and have a place to voice my thoughts where people might listen, and have the chance to talk to people and feel like there’s ppl who are aware of my existence who might value me for one reason or another. and if you’ve been following me anytime for the past like, eight years or so, you mightve noticed i’m not doing so hot. and i’m not really thriving right now and you know. ugh

like hey if i off myself you know i’ll probably try to queue up a post saying something about it. but maybe i won’t. you just never know. either way you can’t really worry about me w this indefinite online absence because there’s no way to get in touch with me otherwise. part of why being stuck offline sucks. again, maybe it’ll be brief. maybe i’ll be able to you know scuttle into a starbucks and post quick updates saying i havent fucking died yet. i have no idea, people.

also you mightve noticed that despite wanting to die and having nothing good, i still at least sometimes like to draw useless gay shit and post it. jk my contents great and a blessing, i’m not gonna be the one to deny that. anyways its what i like to do and what i’m best at and its a way for me to put myself out there in ways i can’t otherwise do and also its why practically all of you follow me obv and like i said its just fun......but i can’t really post if offline. more a tragedy for me than anyone else, but thats true of this whole thing. at least i can still write coz ive still got a ways to go on that before even intending to post it. and read and shit. sigh

idk anyways like i said maybe i’ll pop up five seconds after going Offline and be like hey im back gosh i was worried about nothing! but probably not. i hope soon because i have barely anything going for me and the net is my main way of getting. any social interaction/connection at all and its important to me, however much anyone else wants to judge that. how will i ever learn that selfies aren’t the most important thing in life, right?

anyways. this is why i’m vanishing, i’ll try to refrain from burying this under other reblogs. i hope to god nothing important happens when i’m gone, watch me miss something vital ugh. i also get my news from twitter dammit. sigh!!!!!!!!!

if i had an art sideblog i could sort out those notes easier, so i hope there’s not like...some super great comments on my shit that gets buried in the mobile apps horrible activity display and i never get to see it. aughh

this sucks but anyways. just an informative post. about the lack of information there may be going forward. it’ll at least start out b/c im going somewhere currently w/o net access and am broke as a bloke and my phone isnt very useful w/o wifi. ah well, right. c’est la vie. que sera, sera. what happens happens. shit’s like that sometimes. shrug. lmao.

i’m gonna go jump around some love, simon clips to further burn them into my memory. don’t get me wrong, i’m fucking. doing terribly and wanna kms. but this film’s a blessing and i love it and i’m happy i’ve got to see it and just like my lack of internet access, it can be my fave going forward indefinitely

#there’s a fair amount of other reasons being offline will really suck but. yknow i can’t keep us here all day only to further upset me #hope i don’t die without getting to say that’s what i’m doing? you’d never know if i offed myself or just didnt get back online lol #✨⭐️🌈👐🏳️‍🌈⭐️✨

[chickadee-sun]

IRA Propaganda tactics that worked on me

(Note that many posts used multiple tactics, so I'll link to them multiple times.)

Stealing real content from real activists on social media

Most often this is done by screenshotting tweets, Facebook posts, etc. Or at least, those are the easiest for me to notice. Some of these posts don't directly further the IRA's objectives. They just make the pysop blogger look more like a real person and increase their popularity and influence. Other times they add snide little comments to help alienate and demoralize their readers. Stuff along the lines of "nobody is talking about this," or "nobody cares about this," designed to make people despair and give up on improving their country.

Now, screenshotting instead of linking should be a red flag. A link would make it easier to interact with the actual activist, not the person screenshotting their words. But tumblr's coding suppresses offsite links, making screenshotting seem like a completely normal and reasonable way to reference other platforms. The snide comments often fly under the radar because that attitude is sadly common among genuine users as well.

Of course I already knew that grabbing people's tweets and posts is a lazy and effective way to "write" a clickbait article without effort or creating content. Apparently it's also a lazy and effective way to supress the progressive vote and increase division.

I am pleased to note that I grew more fed up with the nihilist comments and less likely to reblog them over time. In another recent post (which as far as I know doesn't come from the IRA) I pushed back slightly against "why isn't this in the news?" So I think I've been on the right track even before this new information. https://chickadee-sun.tumblr.com/post/171839411085/thatpettyblackgirl-urgent-if-you-are-in

This appears to be what I interacted with the most. Here are some posts I reblogged that used this tactic: post/146412193105/musingsofaraven-valerie-volatile post/146757386220/verolynne-open-plan-infinity-swagintherain post/147206820005/chrisevansisbeautiful-areyoucoldflash post/152473414650/bellygangstaboo-this-is-happening-in-america post/153133340745/godzillakiryu91-reverseracism post/153147035545/thetrippytrip-i-wish-the-world-would post/153231802135/ghettablasta-this-is-a-great-story-of post/153483724025/dorowot-gogomrbrown-thread-my-moms post/153538772200/bellaxiao-2-years-ago-today-on-november-22 post/153734325290/an-gremlin-the-real-eye-to-see-and-media-is post/153736403455/mousathe14-raptorific-fromchaostocosmos post/154092886970/17mul-nevaehtyler-so-um-let-me-get-it post/154330979730/thetrippytrip-feminine-black-men-the post/154474122260/lagonegirl-because-we-can-recognize-more-than post/154807853475/ghettablasta-thats-so-annoying-that-no-one post/155697023025/nevaehtyler-this-is-important post/155719509740/fenrisesque-shepherdmoon-foxnewsfuckfest post/156425339773/snailchimera-ephitania-dukeofellington post/157571042371/gogomrbrown-exactly-what-the-whole-terrorism post/157590672069/go1ds-heartless-tony-blog-lagonegirl post/157983742239/roachpatrol-blackness-by-your-side-my-utopia post/160621066778/lagonegirl-white-people-using-their-privilege post/163641274771/blackness-by-your-side-people-need-knowledge-not post/164382771945/lazyscience-nevaehtyler-whats-next-take-away post/168358486495/aokayinspace-witwicky-down-to-venus-when

What I plan to do better: I'm just not going to engage with this sort of stolen content. If someone wants to screenshot *their own* twitter thread, that's fine, but if you just copy and paste someone else's content I'm not interested. Screenshots are inaccessible for people who use screenreaders anyway. This isn't foolproof, as nothing stops a propaganda blog from copypasting and pretending text is their own content, but it's a start. I also plan to push back harder against the "no one is talking about this" "nobody cares" narrative. Even when it's not from psyops on purpose it's still really harmful and counterproductive to activism. (Not foolproof; see "positivity and celebrating accomplishments" below.)

Fake news is not a euphemism for propaganda

A while ago there was a meme going around angry about how often the media allows the right wing to define terms and eumphemises the shit they pull. OK, but it claimed that "white nationalism" was a euphemism for "white supremacy," which is isn't. White nationalism is a specific type of white supremacy and the specificity matters. Likewise it claimed that "fake news" was a euphemism for propaganda. Nope. Fake news is stuff that's made up and factually untrue. Propaganda isn't defined as being untrue; it's defined by being heavily slanted and trying to prompt people into a particular course of action. Advertisements are propaganda even if they never say anything factually untrue about the product.

It's not that I'm completely gullible or without skepticism. But my skepticism and fact-checking were badly, badly miscalibrated to protect me from psyops. I was only looking for false statements from people who were misinformed or lying. I was checking to see if a reliable source backed up their basic fact claims. So when a post appeared to pass this test, I let down my guard. I was completely oblivious to the possibility of people deliberately using a pattern of basically true information presented in a misleading or inflammatory way to sway the public. And like many social media users, I had a tendency to merely skim the referenced article and not pay close attention to how closely it backed up the specific claims in the post.

Here are some posts I reblogged that used this tactic (reliability isn't binary; some are more reliable than others): links to Mother Jones links to Democracy Now and Al Jazeera links to CBS links to the Huffington Post, though the linked article appears to be about Standing Rock in general and doesn't mention Maori activists screenshots Boing Boing, links to The Guardian screenshots CNN, The New York Times, and Amnesty USA links to The Daily Beast gifset of Trevor Noah on The Daily Show screenshots The New York Times, gifset from Fusion TV screenshots Democracy Now and a scanned-in print article screenshots Al Jazeera OK, this one I'm very ashamed of reblogging, since it actually does fall into the fake news category. It embeds a video from the Youtube account 1 Soul Global, which describes itself as "an acronym for “One Source Of Universal Love.” We are a Spiritual Nexus for Global Transformation." I don't like watching videos in posts, but if I'd watched this one I would've figured out it's bullshit. It links to a, I don't know, blog? I've never heard of called Women In the World but it does some trick with the url so that when you hover over it it appears to include "nytimes.com". Oh my god, did I just hover over the link without checking it??? I guess I was too impressed the post having slightly more caution than I'm used to seeing in pseudoscientific woo??? Most of these I can see how I fell for them but this one I don't have a fucking clue. Am I really this stupid? screenshots The Atlantic Screenshots The Daily Mail--not that The Daily Mail is a reliable source for anything other that "what The Daily Mail is claiming," but that's what the post is about so good enough. Or was it? I took this post as "The Daily Fail is a trash rag, let's make fun of it," but the troll blog never really said that they were singling out one evil tabloid for ridicule. Were other people in the thread interpreting this as "news media in general is untrustworthy and unreliable"? That's actually a pretty subtle double meaning for a foreigner to pull off. I'm kind of impressed. gifset of Laverne Cox on CBS, links to Media Matters (Oh my god, Media Matters was created specifically to be a watchdog checking on media misinformation. And it was linked to by the IRA. Nothing is real anymore.) screenshots Quartz, links to The Guardian and MIT's Technology Review, as well as to some local sources I don't know the reliability of screenshots Mother Jones, links to the National Organization of Women

What I plan to do better: if someone claims an article backs up their claims, I will make sure to read the entire thing to confirm that it actually does, and does not just make sort-of related statements. If I don't have time or energy to do this, I won't reblog the post. But for the larger issue? True things arranged in misleading or manipulative patterns? I'm not sure what to do about that, though I suppose just being aware of the tactic might help a little. Suggestions?

Value added later in the reblog chain by non-IRA users

Because of how tumblr works, when I interact with a thread I'm not just interacting with the OP, but with everyone who has added to the reblog chain. Sometimes those are what attracted me to the post, rather than the psyop's post. This is one reason getting popular was so important to them! It allowed their posts to become part of the natural ecosystem of tumblr. I'm not sure how much this counts as a "tactic" because it's mostly passive, but it's significant.

This category overlaps a lot with "fake news is not a euphemism for propaganda" because often what the reblog chain added was sources with more information.

Here are some posts I reblogged that used this tactic:

Added a link to a Mother Jones article better explaining the issue.

Added more information and links to news sources.

Added news stories and a more positive slant. Note the IRA posters pushed their nihilist view of "why aren't we talking about this" while other users shifted the conversation a little to how the guy deserves a financial reward and how 70 lives were saved.

Added a link to a Guardian article referenced by the screenshotted boingboing article and a list of cities from said article.

Added a lot of cool true information about the history of the comics industry. Added something readers can do, a gofundme page. This would seem to run counter to the attitude of helplessness the IRA was trying to encourage. And yes, the gofundme did meet its goal. Added several paragraphs of details from the screenshotted article, including Theresa Kachindamoto's name which allowed me to easily look up the article. Added more information about Evan McMullin. Added more information about Asia Ramazan Antar, and shifted the focus a little (not fully) from how trash the Daily Fail is to how awesome Antar was. Added a lot of debunking of the psyop's anti-science attitude and a lot of information about how science works and how important it is. This one I'm proud of reblogging. Added a lot more information about Cameroon and sources. Added more information about voter suppression and link to the National Organization of Women. Added more information about comic history.

What I plan to do better: I'm... not sure I did wrong here. If I refused to reblog anything without thoroughly vetting the OP, that would be pretty bad purity shit. Some people are feeling vindicated because the threads they reblogged contain pushback against the IRA's narratives, or because they themselves added the pushback. Not so for me; only one example pushed back with any force. But several of the chains did shift the tone or focus of the conversation a little. I guess be less timid about pushing back when someone's tone or emphasis is off? Suggestions?

Positivity and celebrating accomplishments

Remember how I said above that rejecting a nihilist hopeless slant wasn't foolproof? I got exhausted with that attitude, though I didn't connect it to deliberate psyops, and instead tried to signal boost stuff that was positive and/or included a way to help. And yet.

I think some of these were just the innocuous posts used to gain popularity and influence. You can see a some "nobody is talking about this" narrative in a few of them, but not the majority.

Here are some posts I reblogged that used this tactic:

post/147206820005/chrisevansisbeautiful-areyoucoldflash post/152657046470/gogomrbrown-maori-activists-in-new-zealand post/153133340745/godzillakiryu91-reverseracism post/153231802135/ghettablasta-this-is-a-great-story-of post/154007254270/broadlybrazen-badscienceshenanigans post/154330979730/thetrippytrip-feminine-black-men-the post/154474122260/lagonegirl-because-we-can-recognize-more-than post/154505677960/himteckerjam-bitterbitchclubpresident post/154807853475/ghettablasta-thats-so-annoying-that-no-one post/155547170460/jkl-fff-lagonegirl-green-who-lost-her post/160621066778/lagonegirl-white-people-using-their-privilege

What I plan to do better: I don't know? I think boosting positivity is a good habit, even if it's exploitable? Shut down the "no one is talking about this" narrative I guess. Suggestions?

Jokes and memes

There's a reason so many "ironic" bigots hide behind, "calm down, it's just a joke!" People often let their guard down when something has a humorous lighthearted tone. This also serves to disguise English as a second language skills, as people often use deliberately bad grammar to emphasize a joke. 

Here are some posts I reblogged that used this tactic. Gonna explain some of these in more depth:

Non-IRA people are joking about the news media's habit of allowing the right to define terms and bending over backwards to be sympathetic to bigots while scrutinizing progressives. I didn't really notice that the-real-eye-to-see went beyond that and said "And Media is Nazi too". Journalism is an important foundation of a democratic society and there's a difference between critisizing it and dismissing it. Trevor Noah's humor is being used to promote blackness-by-your-side's insinuation about deaf ears. Stealing some viral humor that snarks about bigotry. I think this was one of the posts that's just to grow the troll's popularity, as I can't find anything harmful in it. Combines positivity with sarcastic humor, a twofer. The target of the sarcasm is how rare white people using their privilege to educate is. Not really false, but kind of a demoralizing thing to emphasize in a post that could and should have been just about congratulating the white student. People dragging ICE for being evil. The psyop didn't actually add anything bad, so I guess this was more about looking natural and getting popular.

What I plan to do better: Remember that hiding toxic messages in humor isn't exclusive to the libertarian right. Allow myself to be that humorless killjoy who scrutinizes jokes for harmful implications. Be less afraid to nitpick a joke I broadly agree with. It's less that I lacked this skill and more that using it tends to be socially unacceptable. That's part of what makes these "jokes" such an effective manipulation tool.

Conclusions: wow, these people are really really good at this. I've gotten used to right-wing infiltrators who suck at pretending to be progressive, but those are amateurs. These are professionals. I've seen some bad takes going around. "Oh, of course tumblr users fell for this shit, they're horrible people with purity culture who never factcheck." But no. Some of my vulnerability in fact came specifically from not being a negative stereotype of a tumblr user. I didn't worry about purity enough to vet the OP if other people added information. I did factcheck, to the point that it distracted me from other problems with a post. I didn't micro-analyze joke posts looking for imperfections in them. I made an effort to boost positive stories about good people accomplishing things.

You guys, if I were the stereotypical toxic tumblr essjew, I wouldn't have interacted with a lot of these posts, or my interaction would've been attacking them. People who think they're immune to cons and manipulation are the most vulnerable. Maybe don't just groan in disgust at "tumblr culture" while patting yourself on the back for being better?

Anyway, the psyops didn’t try to create entirely new ideas or change people’s opinions 180 degrees. They played on pre-existing weaknesses among progressives such as infighting, defeatism, disillusion with institutions, and so on. Being careful about those lines of attack is good whether the attacker is an agent of a foreign government, an agent of your own government, or a genuine activist who’s being counterproductive. So when I talk about what I plan to do better, I’m not just talking about the Internet Research Agency.

#IRA psyops

[the-keionbu]

YEAH SO no to be melodramatic but i like, never really wanted to make this post

like, in the past when i kinda just... disappear from here for a few weeks, to months, i never give any warning and that kinda sucks cause you’re (probably not) left wondering “what happened to keionbu/kim???”

basically, I’m gonna go on like, temporary/semi hiatus

a few months ago i announced I had gotten a job with a pretyt dang well known company and it has been beyond my wildest dreams that i didnt even realize i had. and F IN ALLY, i’ll be starting right after this weekend after i make the trek to move to my job

now, this is only gonna last a few months, but i know my social media patterns on here: if i’m busy with life, tumblr is the first social media i kinda stop with.

and it pains me to say this, but especially this blog in particular

I enjoy hopping on here every once in a while to see my gaming or anime trash, or see some good ol memes, but my relationship with this blog has just been... not great lately

if it isnt already so blatantly obvious, I find posting Good Content for this blog not as much fun anymore.

I STILL LOVE K-ON, dont mistake that. This series always and will forever hold a special place in my heart, and I will still fight and stand by that I honestly think this is legitimately a masterpiece of an anime.

HOWEVER, the “standard” that i hold myself here, and a sort of nonexistent or maybe it is kinda exsistent pressure to serve up “quality content” and posts of analysis, headcanons, fics, or even general yelling has made this blog feel more like a chore than a hobby

which, kinda of sucks

And you might say “What pressure???” 

I mean, I basically just yell about fictional lesbians, and lately I post about how hot I think I am, but I suppose like Ritsu, I don’t like “letting people down” or failing. And not thaat numbers really like, matter, on this site, or at least they shouldn’t, but trust me, when that number gets pretty hefty into the couple thousands, the perspective of that to please these people that deem me worthy of a follow can be kinda daunting.

Yes, blogging should be fun, and yes, I love talking about these girls, but it sucks that I feel like my motivation for making posts this past year has been “make something good” rather than “make something you love.”

which, conceptually, sounds easy.

But when I boot up Google Docs and try to put one sentence down, or even get whole paragraphs, only to reread it and not be satisfied, the concept is much harder to practice.

AND TYING IT INTO WORK, I HAVE A POINT FOR TTHIS HIATUS

I know when I get home from work, I’m going to want to do stuff that is relaxing to me, that helps me recharge for the next day. And that could be a range of things: talking with friends, playing games, eating, running, destressing on tumblr, whatever.

The last thing I would want to do when I come home from work, is to do more ‘work.’

I say is jokingly, but I hate this site. 

Not because of the people, not because of staff, not because of how toxic this site is. Those are all factors that contribute bits and pieces into it, but what it comes down to it is that I at one point started associating this site, and this blog, to just producing content. 

My relationship with this site wasn’t to have some good laughs and reblog stuff and have fun indulging in my trash animes here with friends. It had turned into: what content do I need to produce today? It turned into my own version of ‘work.’ whether it be reblogging stuff for the girls, replying to messages, starting conversations, pulling trash headcanons out of my BUTT. my motivation was very forced, and it was not fun.

like, i even downloaded the xkit thing to change your dashboard backgroud bc the tumblr blue honestly felt suffocating like look????

(its disneyland bc im a nerd)

And my prideful self just... neveer wanted to make a post about how honestly burnt out I am in blogging.

I say numbers never matter but I crap you not, when you get that count up, it feels GOOD. And I know announcing a hiatus and basically saying I’m not sure what I’m doing on here anymore is a Big Risk of losing some of you guys

Not because of that number, but because im a dang people pleaser I feel like I failed that person?? YEAH I KNOW IRRATIONAL BUT WHATRE YOU GONNA DO

This is much longer and less structred than I hoped, but whatever. It needed to get off my chest and be said, whoever ineloquently it came out.

I WILL BE BACK. I want to come back.

I want to fall back in love with K-ON

I love K-ON, I will always love K-ON, but I have come to the harsh realization that I’m not IN LOVE with it anymore. My passion for it has deflated, and thats sad.

These girls mean so much to me, but I want to come back naturally, after falling back in love with each of them, and I can’t put a timestamp on it, but I know it will happen.

I may pop in here and there, but for now, See Ya’ll Later !

** also ps: i love talking to people on here, any above I say replying to messages is ‘work,’ but things that have geuninely helped me stay here is the people. Those that have encouraged me, that check up on me, that just want to be friends. And I whole heartedly appreciate and love each and every one of you, and lowkey sorry for letting yal down, BUT I WILL BE BACKKK (still, hit me up tho lol)

#in the meantime theres so many good blogs out there rn!!! #i may make a highlight post but for now i'm gonna take my vacation #and like #if by chance anyone actually needs me or wants to talk #hit me up and i MAY give out my other social media if anyone so cares #i talk kinda meloramatically but the message is the same

[fimblvtr]

50 - 100 >:) my boi

Boi if I gotta do all 50 you gotta do 1-50 fuckin fight me

what was the last text you sent? “If we ever get the chance to, I really wanna take pics with you someday too”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? Like 9 I think and then I turned around and ruined it for my best friend lmao

what is your dream car? Honestly I always thought Mclaren’s were pretty dope but probably an all black BMW i8

opinion on smoking? Weed is a-ok but keep your cigs away from me tbh

do you go to college? Not for a few years now but I plan to go back.... eventually

what is your dream job? Youtuber or content creator of some sort, or something in gaming

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? Suburbs honestly. Townhouses are a lot less to manage than full sized houses

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Nah but I always forget to bring mine so I do use them

do you have freckles? used to??? Now I just have them big ol’ freckles randomly on my arms and jazz

do you smile for pictures? Mainly make meme faces

how many pictures do you have on your phone? Im too lazy to check exactly but a few hundred at least? Im pretty good at moving them off my phone and onto my computer

have you ever peed in the woods? Yeah lmao

do you still watch cartoons? I watched GF and Svtfoe but thats been it

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? Wendy’s wtf kind of question is that?

Favorite dipping sauce? spicy barbaque sauces cause I like my mouth to burn

what do you wear to bed? Usually just underwear and a tanktop

have you ever won a spelling bee? never even participated in one

what are your hobbies? Guitar and music in general, cosplay, gaming. Also like reading but I havent sat down and read a book in AGES

can you draw? nah

do you play an instrument? Guitar, some self taught piano, vocals of multiple sorts

what was the last concert you saw? Suicide Silence, Whitechapel, Despised Icon, Carnifex, Oceano, and my friends that opened for the show

tea or coffee? Depends, but usually tea

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? Starbucks cause Im basic

do you want to get married? For financial reasons sure but otherwise it doesnt appeal to me right now

what is your crush’s first and last initial? You cant call me out on this one haha its a sECRET

are you going to change your last name when you get married? I dont know. Ive thought about changing my last name back to my original one just in general though (long story)

what color looks best on you? Black (obv), and probably green or red I’d say 

do you miss anyone right now? Yeah all the time

do you sleep with your door open or closed? Closed

do you believe in ghosts? Yeah dude spooky shit

what is your biggest pet peeve? bad hygiene/chewing with mouth open

last person you called?`Work lmao

favorite ice cream flavor? cookie dough

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular wtf

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? chocolate

what shirt are you wearing?my Fallujah tank top

what is your phone background? Atlas Giorno

are you outgoing or shy? a terrible mix of both

do you like it when people play with your hair? yEEAAAAAS

do you like your neighbors? Dont know them

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? Night

have you ever been high? Yeah boi

have you ever been drunk? yEE BOI

last thing you ate? Ruffles.......

favorite lyrics right now “I can see the eyes bearing from the fire insideAll of my demons try to drag me down to hellI am the master of my own way out“

summer or winter? .....summer

day or night? NIGHT

dark, milk, or white chocolate? Dark or gtfo

favorite month? Probably either may or september cause its not too hot out but its getting cold again quite yet

what is your zodiac sign? Virgo