#but i am not in one and am not currently brain-ing rn

[xshimaeraxx]

being cupioromantic sucks dick, and here’s why (says i, a cupioromantic)

Before ya’ll shout at me in the tags n shit: i am, myself, cupioromantic. I am saying this bc this is how i, personally feel abt being cupioromantic, and why its so goddamned depressing (at least for me).

Being cupioromantic, for me, is like a constant battle of wills, almost. It contradicts itself, over and over and over, even though i know- logically, that being cupioromantic isnt a contradiction. It just sucks ass.

for anyone who doesnt know: cupioromantic is (quoting google here btw) “describ[ing] a person who wants a romantic relationship, but does not feel romantic attraction”. Which, um, FUCKING SUCKS.

bc i aint never gonna have a partner. The fact im aegosexual (or js ace or acespec in more simple terms) js makes that harder, bc i aint never gonna have sex, least not voluntarily. So i cant feel for my partner romantically, which is what like 80% of the world is looking for in a partner, and i cant have sex either, bc i js dont feel that way for ppl. And i never will. (Refering to both sexual attraction & romantic attraction here btw).

so that takes out all my options. Bc i can love people, yes, but not in the way that (most, nearly all) ppl want. But i dont wanna be alone til the end of my days, so where does that leave me?

bc, sure, ill have friends & family & hopefully a cat or two bc, yes, i am a crazy cat person. I actually currently have a cat rn, actually. (His names Bear, hes a black cat & i love him w/ all my heart, but still, my point stands). But i want a partner.

i want someone to kiss, and cuddle, and hug, and love. But bc of what i am, a afab human-person thing whos only social life & interaction other then my parents is via online spaces bc due to my lifestyle i js dont have any other options, an aroace who cant like-like some1 like that and who doesnt want to have sex and doesnt feel sexually for irl people and who never will

i js. I cant have it. Unless i luck out & meet a fellow aro, or ace, or aroace out in the wild, which is- extremely unlikely, tbqh, i wont ever have it. And thats not even the worst part, bc being cupioromantic is, believe it or not, a double-fucking-edged sword.

The few times ive tried to explain to my online friends what i want in a partner, ive constantly felt like im invalidating myself, and it fucking sucks. Bc what aro wants to kiss, and hug, and cuddle and what proper aro wants a romantic relationship??

i dont know how to explain it in words, tbqh, so ill do it via example.

so, fun fact! I only recently found out that im cupioromantic. Oh, i knew i was aro, certainly, but not cupioromantic bc i didnt know it was a thing. That like. Actually existed. (And by recently i mean last-fucking-night)

previously i hadnt thought abt it much tbqh. Then, my friend brought up the subject of love. I said, “i mean realistically no one will ever love me”. My friend responded w/ a gif that flashed the word “lie!” (LMFAO).

to summarise, what happened was i tried (and failed) to properly explain what i wanted in a partner w/o invalidating myself (and failed, im pretty sure). Then, my friend said “so cupioromantic?”

I looked it up, andddd went “oh. Oh fuck dear lord this is me. Well, im fucked.” Now i didnt say that, of course, but, yea, u get the gist of it lmao.

basically, the whole point of this example is that being cupioromantic and not invalidating urself bc u js dont think ur vaild is. Hard. Very very hard.

Now, i am in no way saying cupioromantic is not a vaild identity/romantic orientation, bc it completely is. This whole post is js me trying to deal w/ the fact i dont think im vaild when i know, logically that i am. My brain is js- having a hard time accepting that, ig.

ANYGAYS imma end this whole rant thingy now b4 this ends up being 2x longer then it already is. Gn ya’ll! (Yes i do know it is 7:35 am as i am writing this shut-)

#cupioromantic #aromantism #screaming incoherently into the void of tumblr #bc where else am i suppose to scream my woes at? #that sentence’s grammar hurts my brain btw #it is 7:06 am as i am writing this tag #god help me #WIAT HELP THATS AN ACTUAL TAG OML #internalised aphobia?? maybe? #it kinda seems that way to me but my brains only directing it on myself so uh idk tbh #CUPIOROMANTICS R VAILD ASF #my brain js think i specifically am not for some reason-

[goatedtoasts]

oh shit ok i got tagged hi @solphy! 9 PEOPLE I'D LIKE TO KNOW BETTER TAG GAME.............. ok time to figure out who has and hasn't been tagged yet out of the people i follow LMAO

LAST SONG: i am listening to music rn so this feels like i'm cheating the system BUT currently the tune is Hard Wired by Perturbator ft. Isabella Goloversic! its such a good song actually i <3 perturbator

CURRENTLY WATCHING: im currently rewatching criminal minds and also very slowly making my way through ds9 :) granted i am only rewatching criminal minds because of emily prentiss but. well. you know how it is. also gundam witch from mercury my beloved

CURRENTLY READING: the lathe of heaven by ursula leguin! really great book so far. another book i finished yesterday was trouble and her friends by melissa scott which is a great book if, like me, your passions include lesbianism and 90s cyberpunk scifi literature

CURRENT OBSESSION: does artfight count as an obsession??? LMAO anyways i have not been able to play a video game on Steam that isn't Cyberpunk 2077 for the past 6 months so. probably that. but also the Expanse game is going to come out next month so that'll probably rewire my brain again...... hopefully i can finish 100%ing 2077 before that lol

TAGGING: hi @ruesters @peachiejamie @babylon5 @rreyy @deadratsdream @numbersninja @smallerfish @pysics @anomaly-beans no pressure to do the tag game just thought it was fun to pass along!! also if you already got tagged in one of these. oopsies sorry LMAO

#misc #never know how these tag things should go #like the games #anyways uhhhhh yeah yippee!! #always happy to discuss Interests

[the-cat-at-the-theatre-door]

#CATS Musical #CATS the Musical #CATS on Tour #(US Tour 6) #Alonzo #Tumblebrutus #Plato #Coricopat #Mr. Mistoffelees #catsedit #my posts #if i were in an annoying mood rn i would say that the way they each perform this move is suggestive of different personality #character and value #and i can apply anything to characterization #(though in reality it's just dancer style and potentially level of skill/comfort with the move and exhaustion level) #(though i mean hey it could have been purposeful who knows) #but i am not in one and am not currently brain-ing rn

[baka-monarch]

Ok so I kinda wanted to come up with another au? Ik that there are a ton already but this was in my brain for a hot minute now and I wanted to brainstorm with you. Ok so it’s another borrower au but this time Tommy is the only one that’s human, he first meets tubbo after he gets stuck on the counter (someone spilled some honey and he got stuck on some of the more dry parts), they are quick friends, their personality’s clicking. Tommy especially loves to just listen to Tubbo talk about his perspective on how things work for him cause he’s so much smaller. Later after like a year Tubbo runs to Tommy’s room and tells him a new family is moving into the walls and they need to be discreet on being friends from this new fam cause they super don’t trust humans and Tubbo admittedly really wants to make a good impression on them. Well one night the oldest of the group (Phil) goes out to do some borrowing, being unfamiliar with the new layout he’s trying not to fall or hurt himself as he figures out the best places to get stuff, well little does he know he’s been in Tommy’s line of sight for two minutes and at this point Tommy’s too scared to say anything. Phil finally catches on and just freezes in place getting into a deadlock staring contest with this human teenager who just won’t blink or look away, finally Tommy just sorta waves his hand and that’s all it takes for Phil to just book it out as fast as possible, Tommy freezes again this time in mid wave cause “ah s*** I did not mean to do that”. Phil makes it back to the home he’s set up with his sons and realises Tubbo is there, he immediately tells them all to start packing cause “I got f***ing spotted we need to get out of dodge right now holy s***!” Wilbur and Techno immediately get to work but Tubbo try’s to talk them down a bit, soon he lets slip that Tommy been knew about borrowers and that he’s not gonna hurt them at all, the others are wildly sceptical about that and try to convince him to go with them but he ends up pulling an uno reverse card on them and convinces them to come with him to properly meet Tomm. They follow him back to Tommy’s room and when they peak out to see if he’s still there he’s just laying face down on his bed, Tubbo immediately burst into laughter cause he knows that the reason Tommy is doing that is because he’s embarrassed. The others try to shush him but Tommy has already heard him and look over his shoulder, the others duck out of sight but Tubbo makes his way over, the others are definitely still watching and they are judging everything that is happening, Tommy doesn’t do anything incriminating tho, simply raising his hand like a platform for Tubbo who without hesitation walks on and settles into the dip, Tommy’s fingers raise up and curl over his head a bit to make sure he doesn’t fall as he then raises Tubbo up to eye level, Tubbo can’t help but laugh again at just how embarrassed Tommy looks finding it hilarious. The others watching can’t help but feel slightly in awe at this kid just laughing at Tommy from the palm of his hand. Tubbo explains that the others are watching and Tommy can’t help but groan out loud and fall back onto his bed, his fingers tighten and press Tubbo gently to his palm so that he’s not jostled about in the presses, he lets go of him on his chest lowkey wishing that this wasn’t the first impression he was currently making to the new fam that he actually really wants to talk to. -( my brain is super on autopilot rn omg, I’m gonna stop there before I keep going lmao, I hope you have a goodnight! 🏙🌆🌃🌌) ~👽

Oh gods I fucking love this XD

Just- Philza and them watching Tubbo like "do you have a death wish!?" And Tubbo is just vibing with Tommy-

Eventually though, the family decides to meet Tommy one at a time (with the others watching). Tubbo tries to tell them that all the precautions are unnecessary but they don't listen

Philza is first (to scout out danger) and while Tommy is eating breakfast he comes out of the walls to watch- but it soon turns into him and the boy having a conversation that ends with Philza practically already adopting him-

Next is Wilbur, who gets curious about how a human could get his dad to trust them. He stays in the walls and second guesses himself every time he tries to come out and talk- until Tommy is listening to music while working on something. Wilbur ends up coming out while Tommy is distracted, and gets mesmerized by the music, and might sing a little, gaining Tommy's attention. Tommy starts playing songs Wilbur likes and they bond over how chaotic they both get with the crazy lyrics-

Finally Techno... The last brother is the most suspicious, and no matter what anyone says he's not about to trust a human. Finally, while doing another steak out to spy on the suspicious human's "planning"- he catches Tommy with a wooden training sword (obviously self, and poorly, made) and watching a video about- sword fighting... He's trying to teach himself how to do it while everyone is asleep- of course Techno doesn't care that Tommy is doing a horrible job, and he doesn't notice how fustrated the human is getting with themselves for not being able to "FUCKING GET IT-"... No no... He doesn't notice or care at all- and he definitely doesn't come out to teach Tommy how to properly do it-

Mcyt g/t tag list:

@nomynameisanon @trashpumped @loriepoptale @encaos @i-am-a-weeb @wyforyu-gaming @shy-septic-dragon @5unfl0writ3r @colorfulsiren @moonmwah @iwasgoingtohellanyways @echoslime @wilbur-simp @ultimate-lesbian69 @the-misfits-system

#ask #👽 anon #mcyt g/t #mcytg/t #sbi #sleepy boys inc #tubbo #tommyinnit #philza minecraft #wilbur soot #technoblade #borrower!tubbo #borrower!philza #borrower!wilbur #borrower!techno #tiny!tubbo #tiny!techno #tiny!philza #tiny!wilber

[daisugababy]

30 Question Tag Game

I got tagged by @pb-nj! thanks bby!! ♥

1. Name: sibel

2. Gender: female

3. Star sign: taurus

4. Height: 5'3 (i think? i’m 163 cm)

5. Time: 14:20 

6. Birthday: may 13

7. Favorite bands: the xx, highlight, got7, mamamoo, bts, p!atd, bastille and kard

8. Favorite solo artists: two feet, melanie martinez, kina, marian hill, jeff satur and hozier

9. Song stuck in my head: spider dance from the undertale soundtrack. it’s really catchy my dudes

10. Last movie: the boys in the band

11. Last show: 911 lone star ♥ i finished it last night and every attempt of mine to watch sth else after it failed lmaooo

12. When did you create this blog: uhhhhh, i think 2012? or sth like that LOL

13. What do I post: bascically everything. gifs, fics, videos, song covers, empty brain shitposts... yeah

14. Last thing I googled: troy, bc the song of achilles aaaaaahhh

15. Other blogs: oof, a few. @type-go-grrr (probably gonna change url soon tho), @lucybradford, @lan-one-baincell-wangji and @schmicoadventcalendar. and then another random blog.

16. Do I get asks: yes! more frequently when it’s schmico season, but they are there and i appreciate them :)

17. Why I chose this url: this is probably my 8th url for this blog. simply, bc i love these two nerds haha

18. Following: 70

19. Followers: uhhh who really knows. could be 5 or 5 million. probably sth in between these two.

20. Average hours of sleep: i am always trying to at least get 7 in. but mostly 6 when i’m working.

21. Lucky number: idk, 7?

22. Instruments: guitar, ukulele, a lil bit piano, kinda kalimba and thanks to the song of achilles i want a lyre and learn

23. What I’m wearing right now: black leggings and grey self-cropped h&m nasa hoodie (yes, the basic one bahahaha)

24. Dream job: who the fuck knows, i’m not in the mood for another identity crisis rn hahaha

25. Dream trip: literally anywhere. i mean it. just put me on a plane and yeet me out of the country. (well obv. not rn, but y’know. when possible)

26. Favorite food: any type of soup, but mostly chicken soup

27. Nationality: german

28. Favorite song: spring day by bts. i just love it sm.

29. Last book I read:

currently reading: the song of achilles my madeline miller

finished before that: supernova by kass morgan

30. Top three fictional universes: shadowhunters, winx club and dc tv universe

i tag: @glassesandkim @diaz-eddie @buckleys-diaz @herrera-n-hayes aaand @schmico-ing

#tag games #ty for tagging me nikki ♥♥♥

[surrealsunday]

Jaime im so fuckin mad&sad rn can u spare anything from ur recent writing or a little snippet from sth you work ing on

Babbbeeeeee. I’m sorry! Is that ‘cause of the skamfr drama currently going down? I would be happy to distract you from all that! What about a little Spark to Flame? Post-fic snippet (note written straight from the brain - no proofing so don’t judge the grammatical mess too harshly)! 

❤️❤️❤️❤️

He hadn’t planned on staying. He really hadn’t. He’s only popped by the station to deliver some dinner for Lucas (his boyfriend had no sense of proper nutrition and Eliott was going to change that if it was the last thing he did!) and then he was going to go right back to Lucas’s – no, their place – to get back to work on his new painting series. He’d felt particularly inspired lately and wanted to take advantage. But the boys had been pulled out for a call just as Eliott had arrived and well… Isak was there, and Eliott much preferred his company over an empty apartment… and so, now he found himself in the TV room, sitting with the Tupperware spread between them on the couch, finishing up the dinner that had been meant for Lucas. He will admit it’s perhaps not the most boyfriend-y behaviour, but Isak had commented on how good it smelled and what a terrible cook Even was and… well… what was Eliott to do but take pity on the poor boy and share? Lucas was likely going to be out for hours anyways and it wouldn’t have been nearly as good reheated.

“Fuck,” Isak groans, throwing his fork into the container and leaning back against the arm of the couch, patting his stomach in either satisfaction or pain… maybe both. “Think I could pay you to bring me dinner here?”

Eliott smiles pleased, moving the container to the coffee table and pushing himself back against the opposing couch end. “Lucas always complains the stuff I make is too healthy.”

Isak scoffs, looking thoroughly offended on Eliott’s behalf. “That kid thinks anything that’s not pizza is health food.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know how you put up with him.”

“Well, I mean –”

“If you say something about your guys’ sex life,” Isak cuts him off with a hand raised, “I will kick you in the balls.”

Eliott laughs. “I was going to say I love him.” He scrunches his shoulders to his ears in something like a shrug. “Makes it pretty easy to put up with him.”

Isak sighs, but there’s a slight smile on his face. “Still don’t know how he managed that. Always thought that kid had some sort of voodoo magic going on – just figured he was using it to curse me… not find himself true love.”

Eliott feels the tips of his ears heat at the thought, and he laughs a little. “Well there is that doll under our bed covered in pins… always wondered why it was named Isak.”

Isak laughs. “Burn the witch!”

“Who’s a witch?” It’s Lucas at the doorway. Eliott’s face breaks into a smile at the sight. He couldn’t have been gone longer than a half hour.  

“That would be you, love.” Eliott beams at his boyfriend, “because of your magical powers.”

“Mmm,” Lucas hums, walking towards them on the couch. “Better have meant it as a compliment.”

“Of course,” Eliott answers at the same moment Isak scoffs, “Definitely not.”

Lucas passes Isak as though he’s not there, moving to Eliott’s end of the couch and much to Eliott’s shock and delight, immediately settling himself in his lap, legs bracketing his hips and arms moving to settle on Eliott’s shoulders, hands light in his hair. In doing so he has put his back directly to Isak, blocking Eliott’s view of the other boy. It’s with some amusement, and to the sight of Isak rising with an irritated sound and glare directed at Lucas’s back, that Eliott realizes this was likely intentional.

“I’m gonna go find Even.”

“You do that,” Lucas responds before Eliott can, not turning to acknowledge Isak at all. Eliott presses his lips together to hide his smile.

“It was cool to chill with you, Eliott,” Isak smiles, meeting Eliott’s eyes over Lucas’s shoulder. “Next time you bring dinner, include me in that delivery, yeah?”

Eliott laughs lightly, “Not like you missed out this ti–” His reply is cut off by Lucas’s mouth descending on his. It’s not a quick kiss. There’s nothing sweet or gentle about it in fact. It’s a hard, demanding press of lips. Lucas’s hands hold Eliott’s face tightly as he slants their mouths together. Eliott opens his mouth to meet Lucas’s tongue, grip tight on Lucas’s hips. Eliott hears Isak offer a parting remark he can’t quite hear over the Lucas Lucas Lucas reverberating in his brain.

Lucas pulls back after a few more moments with a teasing bite to Eliott’s lower lip. He keeps their faces close. “He’s such a dickhead.”

Eliott chuckles, moving to press a quick kiss to Lucas’s pouting lips before he answers. “He’s really nice to me.”

“Yeah,” Lucas agrees. “That’s why he’s a dickhead.”

“You’d rather he be rude to me?” Eliott tries to temper exactly how charmed he is by Lucas right now but that little wrinkle that’s formed between Lucas’s eyebrows is making it really difficult.

“No,” Lucas huffs. “Just want you to agree with me and tell me you think he’s the least attractive boy you’ve ever met.”

Eliott laughs. He can’t help it. It’s a full-bodied laugh and he pulls Lucas down and into him, wrapping him in a tight hug as he tucks Lucas’s face into his neck. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Am not,” Lucas protests, kissing the side of Eliott’s neck before turning his face to rest his cheek against Eliott’s chest.

“A ridiculous boy,” Eliott whispers, pressing a kiss to Lucas’s hair, hands running up and down his back. “Most beautiful, ridiculous boy I’ve ever met.”

Lucas hums happily, rubbing his face against Eliott in a way that thoroughly reminds Eliott of an affectionate cat. “Eliott?”

“Mmhmm?”

“Did you let Isak eat my dinner?”

Eliott’s hands freeze on Lucas’s body and he slowly turns his head in the direction of Lucas’s gaze… at the very empty Tupperware sitting on the coffee table. Uh oh. There’s clearly only one way to handle this.

Lucas raises his head slowly, eyebrow cocked, and gaze filled with challenge. Eliott rolls them. Right off the couch. Lucas lets out a startled cry as they land with a thump.

“What the –” Eliott doesn’t let him finish. Reconnecting their mouths in a kiss so filthy it has no place in a firehall… though perhaps there’s some jokes about an inferno to be made there… but in truth, this kiss should belong no place but in their bedroom. But risks must be taken in the name of distraction. And distraction is very clearly needed. He throws himself into it, kissing Lucas as though they’d been separated for months, by land and sea, war and sacrifice. When he pulls back, Lucas is a delightful, rumpled mess. Lips swollen and eyes glassy, he stares up at Eliott. Eliott waits. It’s the moment of truth.

“We’re ordering pizza when we get home.”

Eliott laughs, letting his face fall to Lucas’s neck, he presses a kiss to the mole he finds there, before raising his head to look at Lucas once more.

“Deal.”

And then they’re kissing again. It’s a small sacrifice to make in the name of appeasing a possessive Lucas. For tonight, nutrition can go out the window. But tomorrow? Tomorrow they’re eating salad.

#Spark to Flame fic

[kinetic-elaboration]

March 15: Thoughts on Fandom

Not feeling too well this evening but hopefully a good night's sleep will make me feel better and tomorrow will be low key and chill. And my hot water will be fixed successfully.

I was thinking today about how I've felt for a long time that I'm 'between fandoms' even though technically, literally, I'm not. I continue to write and read for The 100 but I don't entirely feel like I'm in the fandom. Sometimes I think I should just leave officially, but then I think--but to go where? And "Star Trek" seems both an obvious and an incorrect answer. It's like I'm not truly invested anywhere, but in a sort of limbo-like space.

Anyway, so I broke it down like this.

I want 3 three things from "fandom," broadly speaking:

1. To engage with media that I really love.

Examples: waiting for new installments (for ongoing media); rewatching or rereading; obsessing over how great the characters or stories are, dissecting plot lines and themes.

2. To engage with a fan community that also loves the media I love.

Examples: reading fanfiction; reading meta; engaging in online discussions; reading other people's excited posts; following blogs relating to the media in question; reblogging gifsets/graphics/fan art

3. To engage creatively with the source material through transformative works.

Example: writing fanfiction.

Ideally, I'd have one piece of media that fulfills all of these purposes. That was T100 for me for a while. But then I stopped watching the show in late S4, and got farther and farther away from the 'current' fandom. And then the show ended, and on such a sour note, so that the fandom itself, the fan community, started changing. And at the same time, I started getting seriously back into Star Trek again.

So now I'm in this place, where I'm still at least kind of engaged in all three aspects of the fandom experience, but not in a unified way.

Star Trek is fulfilling the first purpose of fandom for me, right now. I'm loving rewatching TOS, and the AOS movies too, and I just have a lot of Emotions about the characters and universe. It's that good kinda excitement that a show (or book or movie or whatever) that you really love always gives. Like--ahh!!! I cannot feel anything else but just happiness because I love this so much!

BUT I'm not engaging with ST in either the second or third sense of fandom. I follow a couple ST blogs but there aren't many truly active TOS/AOS centric blogs out there right now. I don't read any ST fanfic because, well, first of all I never really did, and second, I'm far enough behind on my T100 fic! And I have rl people like my mom and B to talk about it with, but not really anyone on tumblr or wherever who's into it like I am.

And though I've vaguely plotted and poked at some fic ideas, I haven't done any real ST writing in a long time--again because I have ideas for T100 that I need/want to get to first, and I'm not writing so much anyway now in general.

On the other hand, T100 is definitely NOT fulfilling function (1) for me and hasn't in a long time. When I stopped watching the show, I still engaged with the canon a little. I watched other people get excited or debate or discuss. I noticed the patterns of fandom as the show went into and out of hiatus. Plus, I still enjoyed the early seasons and liked early-canon and canon-divergent fics (reading and planning/writing). But even that is largely fading for me. I've been trying to rewatch the show but it's not really doing anything for me... I have a hard time getting into it. The canon-divergent fics I'm writing for the collab are not interesting me in the least, either.

I realized today that most of my fic ideas, or at least most of the fic ideas I really care about in any way, are so far removed from the canon they might as well be original fiction with some familiar names thrown in. The one exception is the Ark AU, but everything else is some form of extreme AU, modern or otherwise. I don't even know that the characters make me feel much of anything anymore. I've been toying with how to explain this for a while but... I feel like both for me personally and the fandom as I perceive it, the characters are more like a shared vocabulary, rather than actual characters from a source material we all love. I think this is partially because the fandom is old enough now to have some very long standing shared headcanons, and either small enough or bifurcated enough for fanwork creators to influence each other more than the canon influences them, and partly because the show ending on a sour note for most viewers has left the people who remain in the fandom with a sense that these characters are OURS and that the value of them is in how we collectively decide to use them now, rather than in how they are tied to the universally derided source material.

I'm not saying any of this is BAD, I'm just saying, that's how it is now, from my perspective.

I'm sort of engaging with the fan community (2) through T100, but... it's a little weird. I have people I legitimately like and enjoy talking to on tumblr who I know through T100 and of course there are events like Troped that I really love. I have a ton of cool fic bookmarked too and I'm getting back into reading it. But my dash has a lot less T100 content than it used to and sometimes I'll find myself j-ing very fast through it because I'm just not in the mood. I know a lot of people are either semi-disengaging, like I am, or wholesale moving on to other things. So it's like... the community straggles on, but it's uncertain at best.

And as far as engaging creatively (3)--to the extent that I write or plan fic it's almost all T100. But I haven't... I haven't been finding it easy to write. In general. This is a little hard to explain but.. when I think "I need to leave T100 fandom and really force myself to go somewhere else" it's usually because I feel like I'm not really getting what I need creatively out of the fandom. I like a lot of my wips and unstarted ideas, in theory at least, but the closer I look at some of them the more... herculean the task of actually writing them starts to seem. And tbh I rarely just... tell myself little stories about these characters or within these potential-fic scenarios. Like in all my idle, free thought time--when I'm washing dishes or taking a walk or a shower or going to sleep, when I want to think about something nice and fictional and not let the worries in... when I'm really engaged with a fandom, I'll imagine little scenes and tell myself little stories during these times. Sometimes they're scenes I want to eventually make into or include in a fic. Other times they're not. But they're still an extension of my creative life.

And I haven't really done that for T100 in a while. Sometimes I imagine Star Trek scenarios. Sometimes I retreat into highly silly comfort scenarios with original characters. But I only think about T100 when I specifically need to brainstorm for a fic. And that makes the fic feel more like work. And that makes me want to do it less.

So... I'm not sure what that will mean for me getting back into my projects when I finally (FINALLY) finish the last of my obligations. Maybe when I feel like I can actually make progress on old wips or ideas I care about, I'll get more invested in them. I was pretty damn invested in Mountain Lion Mean and that wasn't that long ago, so it is still possible. But overall, T100 definitely doesn't have, and probably never will have again, a total monopoly on my brain the way it did c.2016.

Which is fine. Like... it's more than fine. I've been here a while. What I'm trying to articulate to myself with all this is that the dissatisfaction I feel with my fandom life is probably stemming from the lack of one, coherent obsession. I have stuff to read, stuff to write, stuff to think about, stuff to talk about, and even a small fandom community of people I like--so what's the problem, right?? It's because it's not all coming from the same piece of media and that's not as clear and coherent and nice for me.

Plus, it makes writing more difficult when I do want to write these particular ideas, but I'm only motivated by own desire to see the ideas realized, not my genuine love for the characters and the material from which they derive. There's a certain energy that fannish activity has... but T100 fic barely feels like a fannish activity to me rn. Just another type of work. It's a work I'm invested in...but I just so often don't have it in me to WORK at all, is the thing.

So that's the biggest annoyance about it. I haven't really experienced this before so even though this situation has been forming for a while, I still don't really know what to do with it.

#the year 2021 #2021: fandom thoughts #honestly i'm really proud of myself for articulating all of this #fandom

[scige-archive]

welcome 2 my twisted mind ex dee ?

PREFERRED NAME — james uwu

PRONOUNS — she/they

AGE — 20

TIMEZONE — est

HOW OFTEN ARE YOU ONLINE? — everyday all day usually hjfdnkmg

HOW DID YOU HEAR OF WATERSHED? — i actually first found lockwood while going through the recommended blogs on mobile when you search up things via it (i think it was ‘new rp’ tht i searched) n then the next i checked they’d gone ovr to watershed n then there were Other Things bt i didnt end up joining until a few weeks or like a month later impulsively n now its been many months n im still here BJDNSKFMG love u guys

DISCORD — sniff #3644 where im also always online

OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE — musing @svrgcnts​ n my pinterest is ‘big tid’ or offbrandsodapop uuuhh i dont think theres anything else!

MYER-BRIGGS — infp turned istp we call tht character growth

HP HOUSE — i honestly dont know anymore ive gotten all of the houses before bt ive just taken a test n i got slytherin so like :///

ZODIAC — aquarius!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — not to the point where it dictates who i like / dislike

DO YOU ENJOY ASTROLOGY? — ya im a slut for when things tell me what im supposed to be like bc i dont have a sense of identity

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — uh like 19 bt ive been rping since i was 10

WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — early 2018 so actually i might’ve been 18 for a lil bit DJNKFLG

NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — listen i’ve had many, many good experiences bt for some reason what came to mind first was a weird owner/slave smut rp tht i stumbled across (never joined bc im ... not like that) n i was just rly baffled by the concept even tho ik its a Thing bc i thought smut rps died out like in 2017 BJDNFKMG

WHAT WEIRD ANIMAL WOULD YOU HAVE AS A PET IF IT WAS REALISTIC — i want a fucking capybara

WHAT PET DO YOU GENUINELY CONSIDER GETTING SOMEDAY? — i want a cat even though im rly allergic to them

NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — the apocalypse made me brave by girlfriends

NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — um probably like ,,, the crucible ,,,

NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — god i dont know i’m not hard to please bt i wont lie i also like ... didn’t finish half the books i was supposed to read in high school. of mice & men maybe ... i hated books that didn’t do much n just wrote a whole bunch of nothing even tho i like those books now ... i think bc they were for school ... outside of school i hated the hazelwood n i think that the grisha trilogy is a bit. weak. bt i love six of crows. n also the um. theres this one YA series tht i never read bt i can tell i dont like NJKSMDFFDG

WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT? — schitt’s creek DSJKNFDGF um i’ve also been watching gossip girl a lot & also asoue & also also i just started watching um end of the f***ing world n its very good so ?? i watched the first episode of his dark materials n i liked it n i havent finished looking for alaska bt its also very good

WHAT FILM DID YOU LAST WATCH? DID YOU LIKE IT? — uuuhh i think it was scream tbh ??? and ya it was p swell

FAVOURITE QUOTE — im a slut for anne carson bt i cant name any quotes directly rn i have rocks for brains

LINK TO A VINE / TIK TOK / VIDEO THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — this immediately came to mind

DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — i used to write outside of rp bt i havent in ages bt when i do its usually like modern magic / urban fantasy / whatevr those kinda elements n abt faeries bc i like faeries

THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL LOVE & TRUST — jenna marbles, micarah tewers, and uh ,,, claire frm bon apetit

A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — cary elwes ... andrew scott ... anne hathaway ... first three tht came to mind

EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — no bt david dobrik was in miami and i was NOT and im UPSET bc i want his MONEY

WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — i am not in pain. thats it thats all

A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — jeffrey epstein was murdered haha jk thats not a conspiracy theory thats FACTS

ARE ALIENS REAL? — ya sure why not

PLAY ANY PHONE GAMES? WHICH ONES? — lily’s garden please play im level 1241

PLAY ANY OTHER GAMES? WHICH ONES? — i played all the bioshock games n rly enjoyed them ... deponia the entire series which is still my favorite video game 2 this day

WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — i never finished my rewatch of the golden compass bt thats just bc i didnt feel like finishing it uuuh ... i dont know i enjoy things too easily

DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — buttons n seashells and rocks and flowers until theyre dead and then i collect dead flowers and then empty glass bottles that look kinda cool and jewelry boxes or tin containers and i used to kiss an index card every time i wore lipstick and kept it, i had over 100 filed away for no reason at all bt i lost them & then i also collect condoms :/

WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — i wna learn how 2 make jewelry n like ,,, embroidery bt i know how to embroider i just wanna get back into it n i wna learn like. knowledge. academic stuff too bt im also too lazy and im just a dumb old horse so :/

THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — italian n french n ig spanish too

MOVIE YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN 5 TIMES — shrek ? austin powers ? princess diaries / elle enchanted ?? halloweentown n all the sequels ??

NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — shawn spencer frm psych, veronica mars, penelope garcia frm criminal minds, mike myers’ cat in the hat, dr. evil frm austin powers bt also his son scott evil, scooby doo probably, daria ??? i relate to my dog bodhi :/ puddles the clown

IS THERE ANY MEDIA (BOOK/MOVIE/GAME/TV SHOW) YOU FEEL CHANGED YOU IN SOME WAY? — six of crows / fleabag / deponia theyve all made me cry before bt like. continuously cry.

DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — no.

HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — um. redacted

PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — big fish directed by tim burton go stare at danny devito’s bare ass do it do it do it i never even finished the movie i dont think BJNSKDMLFG

TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? (IF NOT APPLICABLE, WHO DO YOU LIKE MOST IN THE TWILIGHT SERIES) — edward

LAST MOVIE SEEN IN THEATRE — um thts rly hard bc i dont know bt i have a ticket so let me just check ,,, the joker i went n saw the joker

DO YOU STILL READ FOR FUN? — occasionally bt i dont have motivation so

IF SO, WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? — n/a BDKFJ

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – 5 bt thats just bc im not feeling gr8 today

#wshtask #wshtask001