#but i can't get it yet because of fucking insurance!! i already know they only keep disabled ppl around to make money but jesus christ!!

[noellawrites]

Baby Bear - Richie Jerimovich x Berzatto!reader

summary: as the youngest Berzatto sibling, you know you’re screwed when you find out you’re pregnant with Richie’s baby.

warnings: pregnancy, grooming mention & abortion mention.

Nothing, nothing could’ve prepared you for two pink lines on that goddamn test. Your hand trembled lightly as you placed the piece of plastic on the dirty bathroom counter.

Your stomach dropped. How the hell were you supposed to tell Richie? And what would you say to your siblings? You were screwed.

You showed up early for your shift at The Beef in order to take the test, which you’d nervously purchased earlier from the local bodega. You thought it was just a few missed periods due to stress, the restaurant, stuff with Mikey. You never actually thought you could be pregnant.

Carmy and Sugar would kill Richie. And all three of them would kill you. Mikey would probably crawl out of his grave next, just so he could beat Richie up for knocking up his kid sister.

As the youngest Berzatto, you’d worked in The Beef from the ripe age of twelve. You washed dishes and waited tables for Mikey, your favorite sibling and oldest brother. Now, in your early 20’s, you worked as The Beef’s primary bookkeeper and waitress.

There had always been something between you and Richie, and your friendship became more after you turned eighteen. You were attracted to him, but waited to make your move until you were old enough to consciously do so. You ate every meal together, treated his daughter like your own, laughed at his dumb jokes and never got bored of each other. Plus the sex was gentle, loving and passionate.

But more than that, you were each other’s shoulder to lean on. You cried in each other’s arms once you’d gotten the news about Mikey and you ran The Beef together until Carmy got back from New York.

You and Richie had managed to keep your relationship a secret for the four years since you’d started seeing each other, but you had a feeling that you wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret for much longer.

Because now, you were pregnant with Richie Jerimovich’s baby.

—

“Congratulations Miss Berzatto, you’re about eight weeks along. Here are the printed pictures for you to take home. Would you like to discuss your options?” the nurse chirped. She was young, not much older than you, with a short blonde bob and bright purple scrubs.

“How much does an abortion cost?” you asked, already knowing what Richie would tell you. He was already a deadbeat father to one kid, why make it two?

“It depends on your insurance, but—"

"I don't have insurance, I'm just a waitress," you interrupted.

"In that case, it'll be around five-hundred dollars for the abortion pill if you visit Planned Parenthood. They're the cheapest in the city. You can only take the pill up to ten weeks, though," she explained, handing over a bunch of pamphlets with the sonogram pictures on top.

You stared down at the pictures as tears formed in your eyes. That was inside you, right now, a little tiny baby made from you and Richie. You could hardly believe it.

—

"You're— what the fuck? I didn't even know you were seeing anyone (y/n), jesus christ! How could you be so irresponsible?" Carmy yelled.

You were sitting in the office, leaned back in the chair as you stared at your brother. You knew he wasn't going to take the news well, but he was in disbelief. He ran his hand through his hair while contemplating his next words.

"You keepin' it?"

"I don't know yet, I still have to talk to—"

"Who's the dad?" Carmy seethed.

You couldn't do it. You just couldn't tell your brother that you'd been fucking Richie. He'd kill him before you'd get the chance to tell him.

"I can't—“

"Yes you can, just—just tell me, okay? I'm your brother, we'll figure this out, it'll be fine," he promised, crouching down and meeting your eyes.

"It's Richie," you gulped.

Carmy's face twisted into an expression of pure rage. He stood up, unable to look you in the eye.

"Carmy wait—" you gasped, but he had already thrown the office door open.

"Where is that asshole? Where the fuck is Richie?" Carmy yelled, storming through the kitchen.

"Carmy wait, stop!" you begged, pulling on your brother's sleeve. It was no use, he was on a mission.

Sydney and Tina looked up with confusion as Carmy turned the corner with you right behind him.

"And I told him, 'that's what we're doing today!' But he didn't fuckin' listen, so we're stuck on the turnpike when— hey, 'cuz," Richie laughed, noticing Carmy while in the middle of telling Ebra a story.

He glanced at you quickly, noticing your wide eyes and nervous expression.

"What the fuck, Richie?!" Carmy screamed, lunging at your not-so-secret boyfriend.

"Carmy!" you yelled as the two of them fell to the ground and tussled.

"You knocked up my little sister, fuckin' asshole pervert!"

"What the fuck? I didn't knock (y/n) up!" Richie said, landing a slap across your brother's cheek.

"How long'd you spend groomin' her, huh? She could be your fucking daughter!" Carmy growled as he grabbed at Richie's neck.

Marcus and Sydney rushed over, attempting to pull them apart.

"Quit it, you two!" Sydney yelled, restraining Carmy.

In the midst of the chaos, you noticed Fak sliding a five-dollar bill into Ebra's palm. You rolled your eyes. They'd been betting on you and Richie? Figures.

"I, um, I have some news," you began. The room was silent and all eyes were turned to you.

"I'm pregnant, and it's Richie's. Richie, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean for you to find out this way. And Carmy, I know how this looks but I really, really love Richie. And everyone else, I'm really sorry for this disruption," you explained with a sympathetic expression.

You glanced hesitantly at Richie, who had his hand clamped over his mouth and eyes wide open. Everyone else returned to their stations quietly, and Carmy kicked the metal table leg before returning to the office.

"Congrats, mija!" Tina smiled, patting your shoulder.

"Thanks, T," you said, giving her a small smile.

"So?" Richie asked. He walked closer and pulled you into a hug.

"It's true, you knocked me up," you laughed.

"You wanna keep it?"

You pulled away. "That depends. You wanna step up and be a father?"

"I do, babe. I think we can do this, for real. I'll talk to Tiff, maybe we can have Eva over more. She'd love a little sister or brother," Richie said, giving you a reassuring smile.

"I'd really like that, Richie."

#richie jerimovich x reader #carmy berzatto x reader #richie jerimovich #carmy berzatto #berzatto!reader #the bear x reader #richie the bear #carmy the bear #richie jerimovich imagine #carmy berzatto imagine

[odditycircus-2002]

Shang Tsung x Medusa!Reader Part III: Aftermath

PREV

FIRST

For some reference, this takes place around MK11: Aftermath Story Mode. What happened between that and the last post is up to you to decide. Oh and in this scenario, Sindel isn't a villain (Let's be honest that ret-con did her dirty), rather she'll be aware of what she's doing BUT, you, the reader basically are controlling her like a puppet. While perhaps unnecessary, I suggest reading my other posts to understand what's happening here. Now, on with the show!

You were tossed in the Void similarly to Shang Tsung, Fujin, and Night Wolf because you, too, refused to take Kronika up on her offer. That and you were taken first before them as Kronika's Insurance so that your husband would complete her Crown of Souls. In fact, your entire existence was made and written so that you were essentially a carrot on a stick for Shang Tsung.

Understandably, you're more than a little bitter about this being true. Still, whether or not your love for Shang Tsung changes(Though, let's be honest, you were bemused and absolutely jubilant when you found your DEAD husband not dead and alive), that doesn't stop you from conspiring with one another to bring Kronika to her knees. A fact that Fujin and Night Wolf suspected while trapped within the Void, without knowing you two are married.

Then again, how would anyone really know? The demigod brothers were used to your glamor and mask that made you look more human rather than your gorgon form.

Plus, it helped that while Shang Tsung still wore his wedding ring, you kept yours on a cord around your neck, hidden beneath your clothing.

In front of the others, such as Lui Kang's allies, you two also acted formally with one another, with brief and curt exchanges if you needed to interact. Leaving others to believe you both used to be in Shao Khan's court.

Shang would be adamant about not needing your medicine or help whenever he gets injured in any battles you face. Yet, you wouldn't have any of it, you just got back your husband, and you are sure as FUCK not gonna lose him again.

"Shang, you old fool, you're useless to anyone if you can barely walk or see straight!"

Although, you didn't let any of your actual concerned sentiment seep out from you; instead, you just assure Shang that he can "pay" you back later. This works in both your favor as Shang Tsung openly healing you can also be seen as chipping away his tab with you.

While neither Night Wolf nor Fujin suspected your marriage to Shang Tsung, they still were wary of both of you. So they would try and keep you physically separated. Shang Tsung's honesty track record is abysmal at best, and you're already known to be a notorious dealmaker that lives in a cave.

Still, when both of you can slip by their watchful gaze, you'd both would exchange hushed, tender, and encouraging words to one another. Yet, words aren't enough for you to express just how much you've missed his presence. His company has always been far more entertaining and fulfilling than any souls you've bargained with or stone slaves you kept in your cave as security.

Shang Tsung can only use many words to express his pride in you. He would make many promises and vows to you to give all you desire in his new Era, to make up for all the years he's lost with you.

Despite a few hiccups regarding restoring Sindel to life, mainly in the form of you turning one Tarkatan to stone and shattering another, the process was successful thanks to you, Shang, and Fujin. Or so it seemed.

You took the liberty of briefly snatching the Jinsei Fujin collected to add just a few drops of venom you specially made to those that can't hold up their end of the bargain into the bottle. So whether Sindel realized it or not, you pulled the strings.

Funny, some of you almost felt bad for what you'll put Sindel through. Here's a loving and heroic woman who lost her husband and realm to Shao Khan, then her life to ensure Earthrealm's protection. Only for that sacrifice to be reduced to meaningless when Quan-Chi resurrected her to force her to act on Shao Khan's will, including brutally murdering the very people she tried to protect. Only for her leash to be passed to Shinnok and Quan-chi after her second death at the hands of Night Wolf. Finally, after years as a pretty little puppet, she has restored memories and body. Now reunited with her daughter and able to apologize for leaving her alone with Shao Khan as a young child. Well, almost being a keyword here.

You first had her free the man she hated the most, her "husband" Shao Khan, from his imprisonment. You can imagine her horror when her body started moving beneath the Kolosseum, without being prompted. When she tried to open her mouth to shout for help, you made sure no words could escape her. The next time she opened it again, well it was to let out her banshee scream, peeling back the flesh of his Shokan guards. You give her some reprieve by letting her kick Shao Khan in the face, hard. Enough to break his nose and a few spikes of his.

You laughed through your enchanted crystal when Queen Sheeva saw the gruesome scene before her, with horror and disbelief in her eyes. Sindel could only get a few words out, insisting that she was not in control of herself, before you had her let out another scream and put the Shokan Queen out of commission before quickly using Sindel as your mouthpiece to spin a tale to convince the rest of the Shokan that Kitana Khan was to blame and to swear loyalty to her to avenge Sheeva. Sindel could only watch the scene unfold from her eyes in horror.

You have to give it to the former Queen. She fought hard against your control, thrashing against her invisible strings harder than anyone before her to the point it seemed physically painful. Even managing to snap out of your control briefly to rectify her actions before you ultimately took back her strings. You chalk that one up to her willpower and the fact she made no soul-binding contracts with you.

The pieces began to fall into place after using Sindel to explain to Shao Khan the plan you and Shang Tsung had concocted to restore them both to their rightful place. With Sindel as your puppet, Shao Khan was slowly able to take back Outworld's armies. And because you were in a good mood, you allowed her some control over her voice again, enough so she may speak her true thoughts and motives. Apologizing in tears for all she's done and wishing she was stronger, letting her daughter know she loves her more than she'll ever know. There were still tears in Sindel's eyes when you retook her voice to command Kitana to be put in chains. Nobody on the other side knew it was you except for Shang Tsung, not when you were fighting alongside Raiden and Fujin against the Netherrealm's army.

When Shang Tsung tricked Fujin into finally giving him the crown, his first move after putting it on was to embrace you in his arms and unabashedly passionately kiss you. He ran his fingers through your snakes that affectionately curled into his touch with your arms wrapped around his neck.

"Fujin, Raiden, I believe you're familiar with my wife?"

Saying you had a diabolical grin on your face, made more evil-looking by your boar-like tusks jutting from your upper lip, would be an understatement.

After feasting on Fujin and Raiden's souls, you turned them into stone to preserve them for later. However, that's when Sindel finally broke free of your control, first to briefly brawl with Shao Khan for harming her daughter before you pulled her into combating you. In the end, you not only beat Sindel in combat but, to ensure she can't do anything further, have her look into your gaze and turn to stone.

"Do not worry, your Excellency. I can reverse the spell later and make it so she's devoted to you for all eternity. "

Not surprisingly, both you and your husband betrayed Shao Khan and drained him of his life force until he was nothing but a barely breathing husk of what he once was.

When Shang Tsung defeats Kronika, and before he starts working on the Hourglass, he takes your wedding off from the cord around your neck to lovingly put the jade and nephrite ring in its rightful place on your hand. You both share a loving kiss before he starts getting to work, well before Fire God Lui Kang arrives.

If your husband wins, he makes good on all those promises he made you earlier, including making you a throne of your own right beside him. Because you had such fun with Sindel and Shao Khan, they, too, become your personal servants, similar to Shang Tsung with Raiden and Fujin. While Kronika is long gone, Shang Tsung is forever grateful that she made you. You are his Empress, his equal in power and mind, his beloved wife. Now, there'll be no one in all of existence that can ever separate you two.

If Lui Kang wins, you can only fall to your knees amongst the dust that once was Shang Tsung. Lui Kang would look upon you with pity as tears start pouring from your eyes, a first for you in eons. You touch your damp cheeks before closing your eyes, taking a breath, and looking toward the Fire God with a strained smile.

"Can I please join my husband too?"

"Are you sure, Y/N?"

"I'm certain, he was my life after all. Whether or not I wanted him to be."

Lui Kang acquises to your request. You whisper "thank you" as you turn into dust and join your husband.

In the Fire God's new Era, he will ensure you turn out differently and, hopefully, kinder. And to keep you and Shang Tsung as separate as possible. However, even if you manage to meet through oceans of time, then at least it'll be your choice whether or not you fall for the Sorcerer.

Playlist while writing this:

"Poor Unfortunate Souls" by Pat Carrol

"Judas" by Lady Gaga

"Momento Mori" by Fish in a Birdcage

"Mary on a Cross" by Ghost

"Queen of White Lies" by The Orion Experience

"Look what you made me do" by Taylor Swift

"I'm the Bad Guy" by Andy Bean and Noel Wells

#mortal kombat #mortal kombat x reader #shang tsung x reader #Shang Tsung #Mk11 #Mk11 Aftermath #fujin mortal kombat #nightwolf #mk x reader

[gregoftom]

Re: that hospital scenario Anon. I was trying to picture a situation in which Greg wouldn’t/couldn’t tell Tom and ended up with a bit of an expansion. Imagining like Greg not having set up his health insurance yet, it’s complicated and he keeps putting it off. Then he feels bad and ends up figuring out it’s like his appendix or something, doesn’t know what to do but ends up deciding that getting a rental car and driving to the Canadian border to find a hospital there would be a safer/cheaper option than the hellscape that is United States medical bills. Cue Tom not able to get ahold of him for ages, until finally Greg calls him back and explains what happened and Tom is just “you drove yourself to CANADA with a bursting appendix WITHOUT TELLING ME?” cue a proper Tom freak out and insistence on helping him get back/recover when he does.

OHHHH GOD PLEASE I@m Cfryinwlkjfk.,mef.,wm oh that's so OOF. god that's soo oooo oo ooo. tom would not only freak out but think that greg had left him ohhghh fuck. fufujckkk and at first he'd be like. he's fine it's fine he can go he can leave i can't physically stop him he's already gone don't call the cops you lunatic he's not missing he's just. gone. face it he's just gone. and it's like this for days, stress and sadness and then he gets the call from greg and casually looks at his phone but then sees greg's caller id and almost drops it, shaking fumbling to answer and is like where the FUCK are you what the fuck happened. .....are you okay. thought you could get away from me huh? and then greg explains and tom probably has a small internal panic attack because like. greg's safety is a top concern [and bpd accentuates this to an insane degree] and he goes on this long ass rant about how fucking dangerous it is to drive with appendicitis for SO long when it could actually burst while he's doing that and then it's EXTREMELY fucking dangerous like, fatally so. at the end he's pinching his brow and trying not to fucking cry and break down. greg has just been quiet the whole time until he gets a moment to speak and he's like. "....sorry man." and then. ".....thanks." because no one has ever given so much of a shit about him, has gotten so passionate about his wellbeing and care and like, ofc he went on his own, he's used to taking care of himself, to not expecting anybody to jump in and save him.

and then yeah ofc tom is like. "whatever. just. let me fucking HELP you now you idiotic ingrate. and don't EVER pull that shit again or i will find you and the pain of appendicitis will feel like a fucking dream compared. you got that?" and greg is just. little laugh, still touched that tom cares about him that much. "uh, yeah tom. i got it."

#tomgreg #uhhghhnnhhh i reiterate. IM DYING SCOOB

[i-bring-crack]

Going back to re reading Solo Leveling cuz I dropped it at one point and it's just like.

I know he becomes almost godlike at some point. He will beat their asses singlehandedly. I've seen him do that, I've seen him fight monsters even bigger than that.

And yet.

Just looking at him being so small as an E rank, trapped in like one of the worst moments of his life, but he is used to that so he doesn't even feel as scared as all the others. We've seen everyone else cry out and scream and yet Jin woo is the one taking the risks, getting himself injured and even trying to sacrifice himself because he feels so useless that he feels his death would be the bare minimum of helping.

That scene where he asked Ju Hee to stop healing him.

When he finally broke down after being betrayed by Mr Kim.

Him giving his only piece to Ju Hee so she could eat.

Regretting not getting an insurance just for his mother in case he dies.

The "I want to live".

Fuck man.

Honestly I wish I actually got more of E rank Sung Jin Woo, like some flashbacks of his past, and they only dwelled on that in the first 3 to maybe 4 arcs. Nothing about Jin Woo's memories as an E ranker gets talked about (except for that one scene in the manwha, when he entered as a miner for the Hunter's guild and then had a small flashback to his teammates Song Chi Yul and Ju Hee).

Hell I was actually kind of exited in the Job Quest arc to see his E rank self come back, albeit as an apparition because it felt like a self berating, what people always used to do to him in the past, and even in some early chapters. It felt like all that external critisim about never being able to be useful had a genuine affect on his Psyche.

It's just me but I really wanted scenes where he wouldn't be as trusting with the others after that dungeon. Scenes where he would have reflected upon killing the lizards, because even if they were bad guys he took their lives, and he had to do it fast. Scenes where he only opens up to others after a long long time of knowing them, and even then he is always reluctant on setting boundaries so that they can't get closer. Show me how angry or frustrated he was every time they called him a weak hunter (like someone learned his past and he snapped). Show me scenes of him beating himself up for not stopping inevitable things because the memories come back to bite him and hammered it down that he is useless no matter how strong he gets. Or a scene where he fears over not being strong enough to devour the system. A scene where he is trying his best but his best option is to run away. A scene where he can't recognize what pain is anymore unless someone points it out at him and he laughs it off.

Show me a scene where he is already so tired from protecting everyone else because he trusts no one else to be able to hold them off. And show me afterwards someone insisting on lending a helping hand, someone who is weaker than them, but someone who can see his pain and wants them to stop putting themselves on top of every conflict.

A scene were Sung Jin Woo can finally be dependent on someone, can finally understand what it means to feel safe, loved and secure, after years of being the only one every one relied on.

#self indulgent isekai from strongest to weakest? #nah #self indulgent were you ingest real life problems of self esteem; trust issues and toxic independency and have them be resolved — #in the most realistic way possible by having others help out and let the readers know they are worthy of love too? #yah thats the gut punching stuff i can get behind #solo leveling au #solo leveling manwha #sung jin woo #e rank #s rank

[criminallyvenomous]

Fighting Leads To Fxxking

Masterlist

Chapter Three - He's Not Exactly Human

Ship - Loki x Stark! Reader

Word Count - 1,015

Tw - Angst, Mentions of an Abortion

Plot - Stark! Reader get stuck watching Loki after the events of 2012. Moments of weakness and bad decisions involving the world's most hated man lead to the worst possible outcome, pregnancy.

It was official. You were pregnant, the six different tests you took confirmed it. Nat just held you as you cried softly. How were you supposed to tell your father that you were intimate with a convicted murderer? Now, that's a head scratcher. How were you supposed to have a child when not only their father is in prison, but he's on another planet?

"It'll be okay. I can take you to the clinic if you want. Only if you want to and you've thought this through. If you want to keep it, we can figure something out. At least it's with Thor, he's a good guy, Y/N." She gave you a hug as you sigh, wondering how much longer you can keep this charade going.

~

Over the past two weeks Nat has been helping you hide your secret and make sure you're taking care of yourself. She wants you to talk to a doctor, though. You agreed to see someone, but Tony can't know, meaning you couldn't use your insurance. Hence why she brought Bruce over to your apartment in the tower.

"So, what's going on?" He asked, looking back and forth between you and Natasha.

"Well, we have a situation that really needs a doctor.” Natasha explains, being as vague as humanly possible.

“I do actually need some sort of information to go off of here, guys.” He looks confused and you can’t blame him. You decide to just rip the bandaid off.

“I’m pregnant.”

“Oh. Uh, does Tony know?” He asks after a moment of silence for processing, looking at you with his soft eyes and kind expression.

“Not yet, she’s still trying to figure out this whole situation. We don’t really know what to do because of the father. I don’t even know if she can get an abortion or what with all the factors.” Nat leans the conversation towards you, hoping you can tell Bruce about the father.

“What does that mean, Y/N? I’m not really following, which is a rare occurrence.” He always finds a way to bring up his PHDs.

“He’s not exactly human.” You spit out, looking at the floor, not daring to make eye contact with either of them.

“Oh, well, I guess that’s why you’re looking to me for help. Not exactly human here myself.” He says, lightheartedly.

Soon, you were in a medical office and Bruce had a wand to your stomach, giving you an ultrasound. Natasha was sitting in the corner of the room, her hands on her face, trying to prepare herself for any possible result.

“Oh.” Bruce let’s his expression slip through his lips. He hasn’t really asked any prying questions, other than how far along you were. He was avoiding anything about the father, as if he already knew who he was. Or maybe, he could just sense the tension in the room over the father.

“‘Oh?’ What does that mean, Bruce?” Nat asks for the both of you.

“The fetus is triple the expected size. You might want to act soon if you’re not intending on keeping it.”

“Do I really have an option at this point?”

“I don’t really know, kid. This isn’t like anything I’ve seen before. There are so many factors I have to analyze first. Do you mind if I take a tissue sample for testing?”

“No! No samples!” You yell, surprising the two of them. You couldn’t risk them finding out that this wasn’t Thor’s kid, it was Loki’s. Sure, Odin cast a spell that made Loki appear Asgardian, but there isn’t anything put on his kids, right? Maybe things would be okay and the kid would come out all Asgardian-looking. Unless they had blue skin. Fuck, what if they had blue skin? What if the tissue sample is blue? Is that possible?

“Hey, kiddo. Come back to me.” Bruce waves his hand in your face, snapping you out of your overthinking trance.

“We’re going to give you some alone time. I’ll be back in five minutes, okay?” Nat exclaims, pulling Bruce with her into the hallway.

You were alone. You needed this. You needed to think and to compile all the pros and cons and every little factor.

“Hello, little Stark.” You look up and he’s there. He’s standing right in front of you.

“What are you doing? How are you here?” You question him, yelling.

“It’s an illusion, darling. I had to make sure you were doing alright, carrying a frost giant and all.”

“You knew?”

“Of course. No mortal pill can stop the power of a god.”

“Was this on purpose, Loki?” You start to get defensive.

“No, of course not. I’m not an actual monster. There was only a ten percent chance it would survive anyways, I figured it was worth it.”

“You knew there was a chance and you still slept with me?”

“Oh, my dear, there’s no better act of rebellion than sleeping with the enemy.” He smirked and you began to frown, anger rising through you.

“You did this to get back at my dad?”

“No, it was simply put, a lovely side effect. A very pleasurable, lovely side effect.” You’re shaking your head, frustrated with the situation you’ve found yourself in.

There’s a knock on the door and before you knew it, he was gone without any explanation.

"Are you okay?" Nat asked, sitting with you on the table as Bruce took the scans into his laboratory room.

"I think so. I just needed to ground myself. I don't know if I'll keep it right now."

"You don't have to. You just need to think about it, okay? I called Thor and he's coming back here as soon as he can. I didn't tell him you were pregnant, just that there was an emergency we needed him for. It will be alright, kid. He can help you decide, but don't forget that it's your choice." She squeezed you tightly into an awkward side hug. You were internally freaking out over the idea of Thor coming to Earth soon. What would you even say?

hope u liked! next two chapters go from wholesome to heart wrenching so stay tuned (might be released at the same time 👀) don't choke my little guttersluts - kat.

Next Chapter

#loki odinson #loki x stark! reader #loki x reader #thor #mcu loki #loki imagine #loki fanfic #loki smut #stark! reader #tony stark #avengers #the avengers #black widow #natasha romanoff #bruce banner #the hulk #pepper potts #mcu smut #mcu #marvel

[elderemorune]

Despite Everything, It's Still You

Who would have thought that a nine year old indie game would punch me in the gut again, long after I originally played it? Undertale was incredibly important to me when it first came out. I was so lost, having just jumped into adulthood, and Frisk et al. helped me to understand that I had a choice in who I became.

I loved Papyrus so much that I picked up drawing again just to draw fanart of him. It's hard not to think of him as my friend still, that's how much I love him. I can't ever go back and play the game again either. After the ending I got, what right do I have to disturb their lives? They get their happily ever after, and I want Sans and Papyrus to have that. I want them all to have that.

But that's not the purpose of this post.

I looked in the mirror for real for the first time in a long time this morning, and echoing through my head was the phrase "Despite everything, it's still you."

There's a mirror near the start of the game, if you look into it you get a text box that says "It's you." and if you gaze into a similar mirror near the end of the game it says "Despite everything, it's still you."

I smiled when looking my my reflection for the first time in a very long time today. I've found my feet. I know the kind of person I want to be. And thanks to that, I'm more me than I've ever been. Despite the people I've hurt and those who hurt me, despite the people around me, despite attempts to control who I became, I'm still me.

Despite everything, it's still me.

And I know that's not a promise that things will get better. I still have a fight in front of me to get where I want to go, but it's important to take a moment and reflect. I know the hardest parts are ahead of me, but somehow just seeing myself and hearing that thought steeled my resolve to keep striding forward.

You could even say that I'm full of determination!

Truly though, I'm not sure what happened. I'd been stuck in this mire of doubt and low self-worth for months, my mind and heart both feeling like they were bleeding out as my body carried on without me, and then suddenly, I'm alive again, reminded that no matter what, I can't give up.

For what it's worth, I did already know I can't give up yet. I'm not in that dark of a place yet! I've sought a therapist, but first I need a general practitioner and a fucking referral because my insurance's search on their website sucks ass. I'm seeking aid, and trying to get out of the house more.

I was even honest with my wife about how I've been feeling insecure lately. About how I feel like I pissed away the best (and maybe only) chance I had to go to school for a long time. How I feel stuck in my job because I'm just not qualified for it but my boss keeps encouraging me to learn. How my social circle is so incredibly small and my introverted ass needs more people than her and our best friend.

I'm trying to grow and be better.

Because dammit

Despite Everything, It's Still Me.

#blog #journal #undertale #intense #changing #self care

[marvinthemillennialmouse]

Thoughts on Marvin Lore - part 8

Whenever you see something happening that's pretty strange and hard to explain--and you get to the thought "maybe it's aliens!" trust me... it's not.

For starters, we know how to evade all your detection technology. If you have anything that can spot us, you deserve to catch us. You just haven't yet.

We aren't interested in taking over your world. At least... not yet. Who knows what the corporate overlords back on Mars will decide is the next most profitable business venture?

No, we're not crash landing here and getting caught by the government, we've already set up a channel of communication for things like visiting groups, resident aliens (literally), and even permanent residents.

I'm on a B-15 master card (get it? visa? master card? it's a funny joke and if you're not laughing, check your pulse, you might be dead) which says that I'm allowed to live here so long as I don't try to influence society to my culture's way of life.

Pffff... right... like there's any chance of that.

If anything YOUR culture has influenced ME to influence YOU BACK to push you even more to the left because I'll be damned if I come to this mudball only to have it turn into MARS.

Seriously... y'all are kind of on your way to it. You need to fix the whole global warming situation pronto.

Anyway, the whole "IT'S ALIENS!!!" thing is so played out, boring, and tired. I wish the people pushing this nonsense would find another hobby because I'm tired of feeling like I can't tell more of my friends that I ain't from around here.

Y'all have a saying, "extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof" and damn is that a good saying. So when some dude sits in front of a panel of big spooky important people and gets asked a bunch of questions dancing around "WAS IT ALIENS!?!" and he basically says yes... maybe don't jump straight to "IT WAS ALIENS!!" because I've looked into it. I've even had a few folks at the Alien Affairs Agency drop me a line wanting me to vet weirdos like him.

It's. Never. Aliens.

Unless it is. Like me. We won't be flying around, getting shot down, getting captured by the military and having our technology and biology reverse engineered.

We're going to be sight seeing, visiting your theme parks and resorts and tourist attractions, maybe picking someone up at a bar and then taking them back to our spaceship for a night of dirty, nasty, core-memory-forming probing/sex.

Me, I run a second-hand bookshop where I kick out fascists and nazis on sight because fuck them. I also run a side-business that I only tell select few people about depending on their needs and if they can be trusted to keep a secret.

"Hey, that's a nice gender you got there, would be a shame if somethin' were ta happen to it... you want some gender insurance? For just a few bucks, I can get you set up with whatever gender you want and help you keep it that way."

If you can't make the hormones you want from scratch, storebought is fine, and mine are artisanal crafted or whatever the hipsters call it. Whatever, it's sweet magical super-science and it will make your day... just be aware it might be a really weird day... for a few days. Maybe a week. Still working on the side effects.

#Marvin The Millennial Mouse Lore #Mouse #Furry #oc lore #alien #martian #trans rights #IT'S NOT ALIENS #unless it is #Who wants to get probed?

[pandaspwnz]

so.

we might have to put down my youngest dog Lily. She just turned 5 but a few months ago she started limping so we took her to the vet and found out she has arthritis. No big deal, she's on daily painkillers, seems fine. Then she starts limping again and wouldn't really stand or walk very far, and we take her to the vet wednesday and get a shot of a painkiller that should work better over time, since her regular painkillers weren't doing enough to manage it. Thursday she seemed to be doing better again but then suddenly friday evening something happened and it. got. bad. she limps constantly, legs shaking badly, hind legs won't support her weight, won't take more than 4 shaky steps without sitting down again. We were in contact with a vet over the phone saturday and sunday to figure out if it was urgent or something that could wait til monday (since in the weekend just stepping a foot in the door would be 2200 dkk (around $320). We had given her her regular pain meds, even though we were supposed to cut down on half of it after the shot, but clearly she needed it. The vet over the phone says we can give her some regular strength paracetamol and if that manages her pain well enough, we can wait. So we get her more painkillers, she takes them, it seems to help a little. Meanwhile my mom was willing to be carrying Lily to where she needs to go, but I dug out a cart we had in the basement so Lily could ride on that and spare my moms back and Lily's own little legs.

So today, monday, we got an emergency visit at the vet and the vet says it is. bad. they're overbooked and busy but she said she wanted to see Lily right away and went and made sure they could squeeze Lily in for an x-ray and bloodtest.

So we leave her at the vet to get the x-ray and go home and a few hours later we get a call and it turns out Lily has completely torn her cruciate ligaments in BOTH hind legs. We don't know if they went at the same time because somehow?? this little fucking terminator has said. NOTHING. No howls, whines, screams, anything. Nothing.

Only option is surgery. But it is SO expensive. Getting one leg fixed is 24000 dkk ($3.5k), but since it's both they can do it for 38000 dkk ($5.5k). And that's not touching the 6000+ dkk ($875) diagnosis fee we paid today, or any medicine for treatment post surgery. We thankfully have insurance which will cover a total of 29700 dkk ($4.3k) UNLESS we/the vet can say there's a chance she tore her ligaments in two separate incidents, in which case they'll give us that amount twice, once for each leg. I don't know how it works, don't ask me. It's fucking stupid.

Thing is, we live paycheck to paycheck. At a push we can scrape together 15700 dkk ($2247) which we already spent some money on today for the diagnosis fee on, and we have 3 other pets we need to take care of. If we spend all the money we have and then some on Lily and something happens to the others, we wouldn't be able to do anything. So basically my dog's fucking life is depending on if the vet can somehow tell us, either truthfully or by sticking their necks out for us, that the ligaments tore in two separate occasions. Otherwise we just can't afford it.

Which fucking sucks and makes me so angry because she can get the surgery and there's a really good prognosis!! It's like an 85-90% chance she'd be completely normal once she's all healed (it would only slightly increase the risk of getting arthritis, which she already has a little of anyway). And it has to come down to fucking money.

And we are not. at all. willing to do surgery on one leg at a time. Absolutely not. We are not going to have her suffer for so long just because it would make it easier for us to somehow pay for.

Anyway, we have a surgery booked for monday (which is in a whole fucking week!! that's so long from now!) but we don't even know yet if she can have it. We're expecting a call from the vet who saw us initially so we can find out if we can say it was two incidents or not. We'll know at the latest on wednesday and if not, then we just. have to put her down. because of money. we don't want her to be in pain. but man this just fucking sucks. she's my little baby and I don't want to lose her.

this was taken on the way home from the vet. (yes she's fat we know, she's on a diet and already lost 1.5kg)

please send good vibes

#i don't know what to doooooo #she's an absolute nightmare in so many ways but i don't want to lose her. like she's a little demon but i love her so much #where's weratedogs or whatever to make a fundraiser for us #why is it so expensive. why does the life of my dog have to come down to FUCKING CAPITALISM #AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! #i cried so much and i'm so exhausted #i'm so mad #my post #tw: dog injury

[periwinkle--daydreams]

As promised, my last thoughts regarding Elden Ring and certain characters/events/spoiler heavy things

A friend of mine told me that Gideon betrays you later on, and I have to say: that is the least surprising plot twist ever. :p Ignoring that I did Nepheli's questline that involved his Albinauric genocide campaign and him totally, absolutely NOT sending his pet edgelord after me, the guy wants to become Elden Lord. I want to be Elden Lord too. And I already got the feeling that he's not interested in sharing the throne with me.

I was more surprised to learn that Gurranq is important to the plot and one of the last few bosses that you fight. Granted, I already put two and two together when it comes to him being Maliketh given the lore descriptions for the stuff you get from him, the big ass Black Blade gargoyle guarding his house, and the allusions he made to committing some kind of sin... but still! I wasn't expecting one of my favorite quest givers to be an important storyline boss!

I was equally surprised to hear that Marika and Radagon are the same person... though I wasn't exactly shocked. My reaction was just "Oh, okay then." Because how am I supposed to react to this bit of information aside from being amused that Radagon cheated on his wife with himself?

I'm impressed with how much I've come to like Kenneth Haight. When I met him, I had him pegged for a funny, but dumb nobleman who'd be a pain in the ass until some monster would come and eat him/squish him like a bug. Instead, he's actually a genuinely good man who overcomes his prejudices against the Tarnished, takes his duties seriously, and is self aware enough to know that he simply isn't capable enough to keep Limgrave together after Godrick and the Shattering at large sent it straight down the shitter. I have a feeling that he, Lorenz Gloucester, and Ferdinand von Aegir would be really good friends if they ever met.

Also, I'm not ashamed to admit that I may have kind of a huge crush on Nepheli. Not only is she drop dead gorgeous, but she's a huge sweetheart and easily one of the nicest NPC's in the game. I'm glad she gets a happy ending after losing so many other friends to tragedy.

I tried to kill the Dung Eater the second I found him in the sewers, but I just can't kill him thanks to me sucking at Elden Ring the sewer you fight him in being a cramped, claustrophobic nightmare of a place. I found out ahead of time that if you help him, he'll end up murdering Boggart (or as some say, BROggart) so I decided to aggro them both so Dung Eater wouldn't kill him, and Boggart would be too angry to die just as a bit of insurance. Once I replay this game, I'll make sure to do a better job at protecting my seafood-cooking bro.

Speaking of the Dung Eater, I love and hate that guy. Hate because he's a vile, twisted, disgusting piece of shit, yet I also love his voice, his armor, and after spoiling myself on it, the fact that he's completely sincere when it comes to his warped outlook on life. He's fascinating, if nothing else... thought not fascinating enough to save him from getting killed. :p

Rykard might just be the first video game character to trigger my gag reflex. Not so much his fucked up snake body, but his weird gurgly psuedo-Palpatine voice and that nasty fleshy sword he pulls out of his throat. Is it weird that I respect him for that, though?

After clearing out the Deeproot Depths, I happened to notice growths that look a lot like Godwyn's eyes back in that one village where the first Tibia Mariner is. Thought it was cool, if seriously creepy.

Omens have dethroned Imps for being one of my least favorite enemies. I understand that they've got it rough, and that they're victims of some seriously awful prejudice... but it's hard to feel bad for them when they're more mobile than anything their size should be, take forever to kill, and leave you on death's door if they pull off their crazy suplex attack.

"I'm not Godrick! I'm my own character, Blodrick!" - Godefroy the Grafted, maybe

#elden ring #hydrox plays elden ring #video games #hydrox rambles #elden ring spoilers

[thatmomwitchfriend]

Hiiii <<<3 I just saw your slumber party post and thought of requesting something

Reader being a huge horror fan and wanting to do a Scream movie marathon (her favourite franchise) for date night but the guy being scared yet wanna look like they aren't.

"You've fought of *insert major threat* and you're scared of this?" (She asks but in a funny way, not at all demeaning)

"Ay! Serial killers are a lot more common than you think okay!"

Kinda the type of scene I had in mind and maybe the guy snuggling up to reader and her playing with his hair 👀👀

I couldn't choose between the moon knight system and Santiago García so was hoping you wouldn't mind writing this 💖

Sorry if this request is kinda long this is literally my first time requesting anything and overthinking got me here 😅😅🥲

I love this, having just done a good solid Scream marathon myself. I'm gonna go ahead and pick Santiago, here. I can't help myself 🤤

Also, please don't worry about long requests, I LOVE detail like this babe 🥰

I feel like once he's comfy, he's the type to enjoy a good snuggle with hair plays. Just seems like the kind of guy that fronts big and tough for his buddies and then is all sweet and romantic at home.

Also, he is ABSOLUTELY the type to be more scared of something based on an actual true crime case than a paranormal flic and I love that you chose him as one of your options for this franchise!

By the time you got home from work, the streetlights were already on and the house was lit up from the inside. You and Santiago had talked about a movie marathon, since you didn't have to work tomorrow. Neither of you were really sure what franchise to pop on, but you had convinced him that it was horror.

Little to your knowledge, Santiago was perfectly fine with horror. Under certain circumstances. The man was utterly skeeved out by true crime. People in the real world were the scariest thing to him. He was fine with creatures and the paranormal, though; fuck, he hoped you wanted to watch some spooky bruja shit. He busied himself in the kitchen, prepping a drink bar, baskets of chips, bowls of candy, the air pop machine, and even a coffee and cocoa bar. The living room was set up for an overnight with all the blankets and pillows making the room look like a conversation pit. He had drawn the curtains and put up softly glowing fairy lights that cast a spooky glow from behind the tv and curtains. Candles were lit and smelled like your favorite time of year. This man was a keeper.

"Babe, I'm home!" you called into the house, making your way down the hall towards the kitchen. There, you leaned against the door frame, smiling as you watched this ex special-ops agent prep snacks for a movie night at home. Santiago was the equivalent of taking a military dog and taking him home after his tour of duty. This man was domesticated, and he liked it (thought he would never admit it). "Hey, Mami, how was work?" You shrugged, snagging a chip from the first bowl he walked away from.

"Well, Sarah was -" you droned on, spilling all the shit from your day. He was listening, nodding and inserting little sounds of approval or disgust when the moment called for it. "Did you decide what you want to watch?" he asked. A devious smile spread across your face, and he did NOT like it. A chill went ups his spine as he followed you into the living room and over to the DVD rack. You ran your finger down the spines of all your favorite movies, you only collected DVD copies of your top favorites, and stopped at Scream. His nose scrunched and he groaned softly behind you, and not because of your leggings you presumed.

"What's wrong with Scream?" you asked, straightening up and reaching to get it set in the player. "You know it's an actual murder case from not all that long ago, right?" he asked, a single eyebrow arching in slight disdain. "Oh, come on. You mean to tell me that the man who brought down Gabriel Martin Lorea with three shots just for 'insurance' is scared of a movie based on a true crime event?" you scoffed, putting air quotes around his favorite excuse for shooting more than once.

His eyes rolled, "Si, Mami, but real people are still out there doing that shit." he sighed, sitting into the comfortable nest he had built for the two of you. You followed, putting the remote on the side table and settling in. "But there are people whose jobs it is to make sure they're not like they used to be." you tried to reason, patting your empty lap. He pursed his lips, laying his head over into your lap. He would watch your movies with you, but he wasn't about to admit that he was actually scared. "people still kill people." he grumbled. In return you shushed him softly, fingers twisting through his hair as the opening credits started on the screen.

As the movies played on, and the night continued around you both in your beautiful little home, safe and sound, he was still right. Serial killers were still a lot more common than people thought.

#scream #scream marathon #scary movie #scary movie night #scary movies #horror #horror films #horror film #movie marathon #movie date #Santiago Garcia #Santiago “pope” Garcia #triple frontier

[that-gay-jedi]

I know they already can't even meet the bar of understanding usable hours but I wish the healthcare system, my work, insurance, and the government understood that even my usable hours aren't quite as usable as a nondisabled person's tbh.

Like if we set a benchmark of a healthy person at their physical and mental best performing a task as 100, with 110 being slightly too much effort, 125 being dangerously overexerting yourself and 150 being Icarus just felt the wax re-melt, then me performing the same task at my best is never above like 90-95 bc there's a portion of my focus is that is distracted for as long as I'm in pain (which barring a miracle is gonna be the rest of my life) and a portion of my patience and endurance my brain will always have to spend on coping, and a portion of physical energy my body will always have to spend on surviving the adverse conditions chronic illness creates, and there's literally no amount of motivation, treatment, good work habits nor anything else on this earth that's ever going to change that because I'm not holding anything back, I'm giving everything I have and everything I have is 90% of what that guy over at the next desk has.

And like, from the way the people who are my contacts from these systems talk to me I know the immediate response is "So overdo it slightly and get that 100 from where a healthy person would get 110" but that only works for a day. If I try to give the equivalent of 110 daily then the 90 I can offer at my best goes down to like 65 by day 3 and it's only downhill from there. Even if I put my work before literally everything to the point that I'd be proud to be found dead in my office chair if it meant taking one more call, you'd only be able to get at maximum maybe 2-3 weeks out of me before I had truly and absolutely nothing left to give anyone, including myself, ever again.

In effect, my employer simply cannot extract the same amount of value-for-labour out of me as from other people because my laundry list of medical problems already extracted some. In perpetuity. No stick, no carrot, no gun to my head, no amount of biopsychosocial clear cutting or strip mining is ever going to change that. Can't take what isn't there.

I've long since accepted what I can and cannot do (what other choice do I have? I can't hate myself into being magically cured, and frankly I wouldn't if I could. I refuse to hate myself for anyone or anything ever again), but the work mindset the people I have to interact with from these systems subscribe to is incapable of accepting anything gracefully. What do you mean you're not going to get better? Sounds like you're just not doing everything you possibly can (surely there has to be some rabbit you can pull out of a hat if we just make you desperate enough). What do you mean you can't give 110% every day? What do you mean there are consequences?

To try to get everything out of me when I don't even have all of it is a form of magical thinking, it's blood from a stone, and yet these motherfuckers are so completely convinced. If capitalism is a church, they're the preacher who tells you the reason you still need your mobility aid(s) is that you're not praying hard enough. Reality isn't real to them, greed and toxic positivity are all they understand.

And I don't fucking know how to get through to these people who unfortunately, through an interconnected series of bureaucracies and policies, hold my future in their hands. I don't know how to make them understand it when they're so determined not to.

[batsinurbelfrey]

The US Healthcare system is such a fucking joke, I should not have to be sitting here with acute pelvic pain that I know is likely from a reoccurring ovarian cyst that doctors refuse to surgically remove from me and because it's yet to nearly kill me even though about once a year It gets really close, And be Googling respectively the symptoms for ovarian torsion and appendicitis, Because the only care plan i've ever been given is "when the pain comes back take a bunch of pain meds and also be on the lookout for these two things that could kill you very quickly."

Not to mention I don't even have a doctor I could go see right now for a general check because my work changed my insurance and I lost all my care providers and the thought of going to the ER is just not on the books for me because I literally just had a phone call this morning to set up another payment plan for the ER visit I had in december for a severe flair up for the same problem.

In which, again let me reiterate they scanned me said "Hey you have a cyst the size of a baseball inside you but we're not gonna surgically remove It [because our ER is currently overwhelmed] and it hasn't yet twisted your ovary in a way that would cause sepsis and kill you but like. Definitely keep an eye on it because if it doesn't go down in size Or it does but then it enlarges again later because again we're not removing it, it Will do that and it Will kill you." And then they charged me over $2000 for that visit, part of which they justified by saying I was there for over 12 hours which YOU ALREADY KNOW Was their fault because goddamn if I didn't spend 10 and a 1/2 of those hours floating between waiting rooms!!!

And now I'm supposed to be taking time off resting, recuperating from work and burn out, and Dai's medical issues. But instead I get to lay here in pain, waiting to see if I start vomiting or not because if I do that I'm apparently on death's door, but I can't go to see a doctor Before I'm on death's door, because Capitalism.

#medical rant #im SO fucking upset and im SO FUCKING TIRED of this bullshit #this has been a chronic issue since 2014!!!! #personal #vent

[phyllitta]

Some of my truth

It was only a matter of time before liberals, democrats, progressives started to rip themselves apart clearing the way for more cracks in an already broken system.

I hate it here. I'm tired and sick

I'm a few months shy of 40 with 2 degrees and yet I have no idea what to do with life.

I've lost my motivation to write, read, or even sleep.

Do I know why?

World events, debt, constant wondering what the fuck is happening in this country and how that's going to effect my kids, our lives, my husband, his job...

You know:

Helping people with student debt while 1%'s and repubs/dems get their not needed ppp loans forgiven, tax breaks, money from lobbyists, shouldn't be an issue that breaks these groups apart.

Helping people with medical needs and Medicare shouldn't sound like our country would be taking a knife in the back.

Standing with the marginalized shouldn't be killing people.

The state of law enforcement and what is, once again, is on display for the world to see how regular people are charged by a different set of rules versus those with money. Doesn't matter the crime.

The Bible? The misguided teachings of Christianity, once again being used to kill people.

Really in 2023?

At 40 I saw way too fucken late that as a Mexican American, my vote, my voice, doesn't matter.

I wish I could go back.

Because no, I wouldn't of taken out a school loan that has more than doubled due to interest. I'm not saying I shouldn't pay it. That's not my argument. My argument is..at eightfuckenteen I couldn't get a car loan for 12 grand and 230 bucks a month, but that same year I was able to sign for a 20 thousand dollar school loan.

Did I understand what I was signing?

No. Because the idea of going to school was one of the few choices I had. School, menial job, or military.

Is that my fault, yes? Because I was easy prey and uneducated.

Then, I watch my parents struggle even though they've worked hard all their lives and now scraping by on retirement/security. My dad is 70 and yet can't afford to retire. But in that same note can't get his retirement/social fully if he still works part time?

Wtf? Social security? Something we pay into since we first start working.

Medicare? My mom can't afford tooth surgery although on insurance and social security.

GUNS...hey they're being used to kill children and minorities, and because Jim Bob fuckstick feels threatened he can go to fucken subway with more guns and ammo on him than a marine, but fuck it right. Second Amendment

And that's just a few..pfff...

I've voted red. I've voted blue till I was blue in the face for men and women promising, using our/my plight for their soapbox.

I'm fucken done with all this bullshit.

I needed my own soap box today. Of course this sounds so whiny and one sided but I'm so fed up. Insomnia, anxiety, depression aren't helping.

Maybe ignorance is bliss cause these fucktards with the loudest voices seem to be enjoying the good life.

#politics #im done #democracy #bluevsred #democrats #republican #medicare #student debt #social security #progressives

[blushroomx]

i need to rant just keep scrolling

dropped out of grad school, can’t hold down a job, can’t make or keep a friend to save my life, i’m completely broke, no health insurance, my family is not reliable for support, and i have symptoms so intense it’s actually kind of embarrassing to talk about. so when someone tells me they understand what mental illness is like bc they have trauma or anxiety or whatever, but i see them living their best life, hanging out with friends all the time, graduating, accepting prestigious fellowships, their amazing support system, traveling the world, it’s just like? do you? do you get it?

it's not a competition. it's not a competition. it's not a competition it's not a competition but i'm so unbelievably, violently jealous that i am bristling like a damn cartoon character

i know it's wrong okay i know i know i know. i'm not being very compassionate or empathetic right now. someone could appear the happiest they've ever been and the next day they're not here anymore. that happens and i know it. and it's not a competition and social media is always fake anyways but i can't shake how fucking inadequate and bitter i feel when i see people getting attention and sympathy for their mental health struggles, acting like a fucking influencer giving people mental health tips and sharing their experiences while traveling europe with friends meanwhile i'm in the corner just fucking rotting. i am rotting and i get nothing from anyone. nothing. i get nothing and i'm being selfish and dumb right now but i don't care because if you haven't heard i am rotting!!! i am literally dying! i'm dying! i'm dying and nobody cares? doctors don't care unless you have money (i don't; i am currently unmedicated and have been diagnosed with bpd, bipolar ii, ptsd, and gad who knows what else honestly i haven't done much therapy, i need medication i need it and i need therapy i am going insane i am going insane i can't live like this anymore). my parents don't care as long as i'm living my life according to their expectations (which i'm not so they won't help; tell me why it makes sense to only give money to your daughter when she has a good job and not when she's having a hard time, also they don't think mental illness is real). and we won't be able to make rent this month and the bills are piling up and my partner suffers to the extent that i do and we're trying our best but what can you do when a week before rent is due you get covid? when you get a flat tire with no money to fix it? when a cop randomly decided he didn't like you and gives you a ticket he didn't have to that you absolutely can't pay? bad luck feels like a fucking stab wound when you're already hanging on by a thread. and yet i'm supposed to sit here and nod happily and accepting as someone claims they know what it's like? when they literally never have to worry about anything???? when it doesn't seem to get in the way of their lives at all?????????>

i'm just so miserable. i have always been miserable and nobody has ever helped me. every time i used to try telling my parents how depressed or suicidal i was i would get yelled at for hours until i changed my mind ("you're right dad. i was wrong, i don't really feel that way. i'm sorry"). my childhood was fucked honestly. been thinking about it a lot recently, can't get it out of my head, it's kind of fucking me up. i look in the mirror and see my father's features and it makes me sick. anyway. now i'm an adult with no skills beyond what it takes to succeed in school, except i'm so burnt out from years of suppressing and neglecting my illnesses that i can't do anything anymore. i used to be a stone; i never showed emotion because i was punished for doing so. now it's like the dam has been broken and the smallest thing sends me into an episode that takes me out for the rest of the day. and i'm not weak, i'm not! i'm not. i'm not. i push myself until i break. to the point where if i'm not shaking and crying and physically unable to stand then i consider myself a lazy weakling and a coward. sometimes i wish all my bones were broken so everyone would know that i really can't do it. i know it's not true it's just my programming but like. i just break so easily now. i break so easily and i struggle so deeply and my partner and i are actually doing better right now, we're working more but it's not enough and that gets you down. and i don't know how it ever can be enough when we're so firmly at rock bottom. i wish we had more money. it would help so much if we could pay our bills. whatever i don't actually hate people who have mental illness and good lives i just hate my own life that's all

#i'm fine #my situation is just overwhelming to the point of being surreal #it's not hopeless it just feels that way too often

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 04152024

9:19 pm

Dear Diary,

I feel so fat, ugly, sick and disgusting. I am back to 160lbs and I am disappointed in myself. I have so much time to work out, and yet I doom scroll. I am stuck and stagnant but I know I can be doing so much better. I did the one thing I didn't want to do, I let the happiness get to me. Tomorrow I have no excuses. My job is no longer exhausting me and this is the last week where I get to kinda glide through and not have any of my own assignments. So, I have to find a way to get myself into it this week. I think the worst part is that I haven't partaken in any of my hobbies. I kinda find myself in that weird stage of again, scrolling my life away. I feel really anxious about it because there are things I really want to do and I am letting the days fleet into oblivion. I want more for myself so I will be doing more.

I have many mixed feelings, I hate that I can't put my phone down. I hate how I feel about my friends. My relationship with my dad has shifted and its strange, I hate living at home, but I couldn't move out even if I wanted to, I want to make future plans with my boyfriend, I feel fat, I hate how fucking horny I am all the time. I want more for myself. I told myself this would be the week I start my routine and yet I am still doing the last minute bullshit I've been doing, and I fucking hate it.

I do not have plans for graduation pictures yet, I don't even have a dress!!! Truly that's one of the biggest routes of my stress because I don't want anyone else to take my photos, but I also need him to be honest about if he can even take mine. I NEED to be the one to bring it up too because obviously my pictures are not a priority, and they shouldn't be. But it's the fact that I am so fucking over undergrad and it keeps rearing its disgusting head back into my life. I worked my ass off to get away from it and here it is, still in the way. I am going to have to take off work to graduate college, like how stupid is that.

ALSO.. I feel also a little bothered by the fact that my boyfriend hung up the phone with me to take a video of the sunset and then didn't call me back like.. why haven't you called me back? I know I am over thinking but when I am stressed about one thing, I stress about 20 other things and become overwhelmed. It's truly one of my fatal character flaws.

Today, I also ate like shit. I haven't eaten like shit in a long ass time. Not only did I eat like shit, I also just ate a lot. Like started the day off with egg salad, then I attempted to eat this spicy ramen that was way too fucking spicy, which made me drink milk. I added yellow rice to try to mellow out the spiciness of my ramen but that really didn't help, so I gave up on it. For dinner, I ate more yellow rice and three fried chicken wings, two drums and a flat. Finished off with an ice cream sandwich. BTW I have a cavity that has been bothering me for weeks. But my fucking dentist went and moved and the office was rebranded, still a dentist, just not the one who takes my insurance.

Why are services only open during working hours requiring you to take off so that you can use them. Why should I have to lose money so that I can spend money to have services I need done. Also, I still haven't found a PCP (primary care provider). I hate this adulting thing a lot. I am scared that I am not going to be a good adult because there are already so many things I do not do on my own or lack.

I try to convince myself I'll be fine, but then I remember I plan on sharing my life with someone who is so competent and capable of living on their own, they got the CHANCE to live on their own, will I ever? It doesn't seem likely.

#adulting is hard #dear diary #online diary #journal #secret diary #secret journal #journaling #2024 #post grad problems #post grad life #new relationship #anxiety #friendship #secrets #secret

[blue-kyber]

Everything's gone wrong today.

My car got broken into last night. I spent all day waiting for a tow truck. The thieves destroyed my ignition switch, and my drivers side door lock. I have no idea how much it's going to cost me to get both repaired, but I already know i don't have the money for that, even with the $100 deductible my insurance provides.

Many little things went wrong, I got charged too many times for a Lime scooter and Bird scooter I couldn't use, everything fell apart. I destroyed my glasses and my headphones in rage just now, because my audio interface wouldn't turn on - again - without being replugged back in, and the tea tag fell off when I pulled the bag out of the water, making it splash down with the string.

The audio interface was the straw that broke my back.

The past 6 months - and incidents from the past 10 years or so - have been building stress in me so high that I broke out into folliculitis so badly that I had to go to the ER.

It's 70% money stress. 30% I'm fuckin' lonely.

I have to deal with the bullshit of my life alone.

It sucks.

I quit trusting people for so long, I can't remember how anymore without thinking they're going to hurt me in some way - because they always do. And their disappearance is always my fault.

I never wanted to be like this. I don't know what the hell happened.

I'm a good person. I try, I really do, I just... I just keep screwing everything up.

I've been ordered by the doctor to take a vacation, but I can't because of money. And I can't escape my stressors.

I now have to pay $3000 for emergency dental work due to a bad infection that could have killed me.

I owe my mom $1250 - she loaned it to me so I could pay my roommate back rent, so my roommate would stop threatening to evict me. She said if I didn't pay her the past rent, and December rent by the 15th, when I go home for Christmas, I can't come back. She won't let me in.

I paid her past rent, now I owe december rent of $1250, and my new job I managed to get at the 11th hour and only had for 2 months keeps fucking with my hours giving me only 2 or 3 days, and then not bothering to tell me when they double book and kick me off the schedule for a day.

I owe my dad $700 from his loan to help pay my rent in July.

I owe the mechanic $500 for fixing my car in early June - when this whole fuck fest started.

I owe $100 on my Nordstrom card.

I owe $160 on my JC Penny card (for my glasses...that I broke).

I owe $225 on my Best Buy card for new airpods since I lost my old ones, and a web cam since my old one died.

(The store cards are to build visible credit, since I keep being denied credit cards and loans due to not enough visible credit. I'm paying my store cards on time. There' just a balance on them.)

That's a total of $7,185 that I need to come up with, and I just. can't.

I only recently got this job. I haven't had enough time yet to accrue a savings to take care of this.

The audiobooks I've auditioned for didn't pick me. I'm still auditioning.

All of this - and the little stuff that goes wrong all the time that lead to big things going wrong - are all exacerbated by my ADHD and autism. It always has been the source.

I'm done.

I've had it.

I can't do this anymore.

I've been struggling on my own alone for over a decade. I just can't anymore.

I want to quit.

I want to go away and just............. disappear.

I need $7 grand before I can take a vacation. I'll never be able to. That's impossible.

I'm done.

I'm fucking done.

#I quit. #I'm out. #Killing myself isn't an option #but it's looking better and better if this doesn't let up. #I just want to stop. I want everything to go away and to just stop. #I've wanted to stop for so long #I find moments of peace and happiness #but they're always overshadowed by a cloud