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#but i could never see anything about getting a job with them and it didn't seem like they were hiring
scekrex · 2 days
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Just Adam getting worshipped. Body worship? Yes. Cock worship? Absolutely. Anything you can think of, You name it. Making Adam feel like a god in bed, not because the reader cares about his status as “first man,” no, no, no, but because they care about Adam.
Bonus points if Adam is insecure about “letting himself go” since Eden and gaining weight (fuck you Lucifer, he’s still hot >:( (Jk bbg I still love u)
Basically, I want this MF to feel loved for being HIMSELF not because of some superficial bullshit he tells himself to the point he starts crying tears of happiness.
Okay so um I kinda got carried away at some points I think and this is the most gentle blowjob I've probably ever written. Also reader doesn't fucking cum, because 'this is about Adam' and bc I said so lol
I hate everyone, it's so easy, I wouldn't do it if I didn't really care
pairing: Adam x male!reader
warnings: language, oral sex, praise kink (implied)
note: not beta read bc fuck you I don't have beta readers
When you gently placed your hand on Adam's chest to push him down against the soft, warm mattress and your touch continued to stay gentle as your hands roamed over his chest it was a little confusing for Adam - that he had to admit. He was used to heated sex, keeping it hot and heavy, rough and hard. Gentle? Well usually the only thing that he considered gentle when it came to having sex with you was the aftercare that always followed.
“Adam?” your voice sounded deeper than it usually did and while the first man was sure he'd find nothing but lust in your eyes, he was surprised to see admiration instead. A soft hum was the only response you got and so you continued, “Did I ever tell you how divine you look?” A smug grin appeared on the first man's face and he cockily replied, “Well, I'm fucking Ada-” you silenced him by kissing his lips, it was just a quick peck and yet it did the job and made him shut up. “No, not the first man type of divine. I'm talking about the Adam type of divine looking.” At that the brunette frowned, he wasn't quite understanding what you meant by that and it was obvious. You chuckled softly at his confused frown and patted his naked chest soothingly, “What I mean,” you hummed as your eyes flickered from his body to his eyes, “Is I'm not saying you're divine looking because you were the first human to be created,” you leaned down to place a gentle kiss on his right peck, “I’m telling ya you're the most holy thing I've ever seen with my own eyes because that's how it is - first man or not.” And that caused a very noticeable shift in the first man's expression.
Adam was quite surprised by the compliment you had just given him - that must have been the first time someone had told him that he meant that much to them, not because of his status, not because he was the first man, but simply because Adam was Adam, simply because someone loved him for himself and not for his rang. The confusion that had lingered in his eyes was replaced by something soft, something close to undying love for you and of course your curious mind noticed that. Your lips tenderly caressed the skin that covered his chest, from his collar bone down to his nipple and from there you left a trail of warm, loving kisses down his stomach until you reached his hip bone. Adam's hand had come up to pet your hair, there was no force, no guidance, he just went along with what you offered him. Because even though he would never admit it out loud, he had let himself go ever since Eden - nothing he could be blamed for, it's been over ten thousand years since his soul had first arrived in heaven. Yet it was something that made him feel uncomfortable if mentioned by others. Lute would joke about his dad-body, and to be completely honest, sometimes her jokes hit something inside of him.
Your lips kissed the skin of his soft belly, oh how you adored his belly, how you adored Adam's form in general. He wasn't ripped, he hasn't been ripped when you met him either. He had what earthlings would consider a small beer belly, you loved the soft meat very dearly. “God created the flesh you're made out of,” you whispered against his warm skin and kissed him right above his belly button, “But you alone make this body so purely celestial.” Adam wasn't sure how he was supposed to react - how would someone react to words as kind as yours even without his ego and insecurities? He didn't know. But he knew that your words made him feel warm, your words caused a smile to appear on his face - not the cocky ones he usually shot you but an honest one instead, a smile caused from pure happiness. “And you’re all mine, mine to love and adore,” you rested your chin on his sternum and looked up at him with the most adoring look Adam had ever seen, “Mine to worship and take care of.”
The brunette shuddered at your words and you noticed how his wings twitched, the light his halo casted over his face flickered for a short moment. The exorcists’ leader knew no one had ever spoken so purely about him, no one had ever appreciated his body the way you did. No one had ever been as honest about loving and adoring him as you were. He was also painfully aware of how all of your words not only went straight to his heart, but also to his dick - his erected dick. Oh to be loved and desired in such honest ways, it surely wasn’t something Adam had ever imagined, it was something the first man had never even dared to dream about. Because how? How should he have been able to dream about love this pure when the women that God had created for him and only him had traded him in for the devil? Yet you worshiped his body like you were the one made for him - and at this point maybe you were, only God knew. Your lips met his skin yet again, kissing town his happy trail until your lips were so, so close to the tip of his dick, Adam was able to feel your hot breath on it, an almost inaudible whine escaped his lips and yet you caught onto it. “I love the way your voice changes whenever you feel aroused, I adore the way you let me know I’m pleasing you well,” you whispered and because the only noise other than your voice was his heavy breathing you knew he had heard every word. “You always brag about being the first man - that all of mankind came from these fucking nuts,” to underline your words properly you ran your tongue over his sensitve testicles, which earned you a loud and strong groan. Your lips brushed against the heated skin of his balls as you continued to speak,”Yet you really have so much more to brag about - starting with your fighting skills, in God’s mighty name Adam, you defeated the radio demon.” Adam wanted to respond to that and if he would have done so, he would have probably said something like ‘His fucking mortal soul was no fucking match to me anyway’. But his response was swallowed by a moan that spilled from his lips as you sucked his testicles into your mouth, wet heat surrounding Adam’s most sensitive era so surprisingly quick that it took him a moment to comprehend what was happening. “Or your body that not only looks like the most holy thing to ever be created, but feels as heavenly as heaven itself - I must know, we are in heaven after all.”
The brunette’s cheeks heated up at your words. He knew you loved him, you assured him you did regularly, no matter if it was verbally or physically. But hearing so many honest and true compliments all at once was doing things to him. He was aware he wasn’t bad looking though most of his confidence was an act. A show to mask the fact that his body hasn’t been in shape for a few thousand years, a show to hide that he wasn’t as perfect as he’d liked to be. And yet you looked at him like he was the most beautiful, divine looking creation in all of existence, like he was actually that flawless, irresistible, pure, angelic dude he always said he was. And deep down inside he knew, Adam knew that even if Lilith or Eve would’ve worked out, even if they both wouldn’t have chosen Lucifer, neither of them would’ve admired and worshiped him the way you did. You. A man that had lived life on earth a couple thousand years after Eden, after Adam’s soul had entered heaven. A man that Adam had accepted as an equal way too quickly - not that you had disappointed him, you had gladly taken the equality Adam had been showing you, and now you were about to give some of it back to the brunette. His large hands were still buried in your hair as you licked up his balls, over his shaft all the way until you reached the tip. His grip tightened and his body tensed up a little - not due to discomfort but due to pleasure that shot through your body and wouldn’t stop, oh dear lord the way you made him feel. A woman could never, another dude could never. Only you were able to offer him this kind of bliss. “Please,” to say more wasn’t possible for Adam, he had drowned in the sweetness and kindness of your words, in the comfort your voice had provided and in the satisfaction your touch offered. He was out of his mind, felt your hot mouth closing around his cock and he knew his climax wouldn’t take long to roll over him. But he didn’t mind - cuming soon once was okay, especially given the situation. One of your hands caressed his testicles as your lips worked to swallow his length entirely, but before you were even close to taking all of him in, he whimpered and you were able to make out your name and ‘close’. You hummed around him, giving him the okay to cum inside your mouth and without hesitation the first man spilled his load. Rope after rope of thick warm liquid filled your mouth and you bobbed your head while Adam was experiencing his orgasm. Once the first man was spent, you pulled off his dick, your mouth filled with his seed as you crawled up his body and kissed him. The brunette was too out of it to notice you hadn’t swallowed his load just yet and eagerly parted his lips to deepen the kiss as his arm pulled you close and his now free hand slid down your body to cup your own erection. It was only then and there that he felt his own cum on his tongue - and it wasn’t just the taste of himself that lingered on your tongue, no, it was the entire load he had released inside of you that was now covering the insides of his own mouth. You pulled back a little as you whispered against his lips, “You simply need to know how wonderful you feel on my tongue.” And then you watched as Adam’s adams apple bobbed. He was swallowing his own cum and given his facial expression, he looked quite eager to do so. You gently removed his hand from your erection, moving it up to kiss the back of it instead, “No Adam, this was all about you.”
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nerdycanible1 · 3 days
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Heyo! Anyone want some Lin Fanart? :D
Here you go!
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I'd like to think this is right after Suyin hurt her and Lin may or may be blinded 👀💧
I'm not exactly good with expressions but I wanted to show Lin in both pain but also the anger and hate in her eyes.
All art belongs to me. If reposted plz credit!
Accidentally written a little one shot that's horrible. I meant to take a nap but just sat in my living room typing this and munching on food!
Enjoy- tho I doubt it'll be good 💀
Suyin would undoubtedly be upset she hurt her sister, but wouldn't be prepared to see this expression. An expression she's never seen on Lin before and is possibly ingrained in her mind forever.
Suyin would go to help Lin but Lin would refuse to let Suyin any closer and literally build a wall preventing Suyin from getting close.
Toph shows up and asking what happened, comforts Suyin upon feeling the little ones erratic heart beating all before Suyin tells her mother she's sorry and that Lin's hurt.
Toph goes to see what happens and all she hears is Lin barking at the healer to just do what they can and a slam of a door closing. Toph could sense something is wrong with Lin and can tell she'd faint at any moment if she don't step in only for Lin to hold her hand up at her mother and tells her, "Not now."
Before Toph could say anything Lin tosses her metal coils down on the ground and telling Toph that they'd need to be upgraded and that it's best for everyone in the facility to get them reworked.
Lin's face begins to swell up, the blood is trickling onto the ground and the healer helplessly following Lin around as she's barking orders but is starting to sway and almost faint.
Toph ends up freezing Lin in her place with her metal armor just to help the poor healer out and demands Lin to tell her what happened.
Lin straining too much and only just begins to fall to her knees as she can't fight against her mother in the state she's in, her heart aches, her face feels in agony and she feels ready to fall asleep.
The next thing she knows, she wakes up in a dimly lit room. She could smell the incense and the sandal wood and the light smell of spring in the air. She could hear yelling down the hallway between her aunt and mother, Suyin screaming that it was Lin's fault and of course the numbing pain on Lin's face.
She knew what happened and knew how bad the wound was. She didn't need a healer to tell her how bad the wound was because she felt it, could already sense her other senses strengthening.
With a sigh the metalbender slowly turned her head which made the blood in her head pump and practically caused her brain to ache as she tried to look out the window.
It took too long for Lin to focus and could see the sun had set a bit ago. She'd sit up and leave if she could but just the thought of it hurt Lin's head and she didn't want to go through that pain.
"We don't arrest family!!"
"And look what happened! Agni Toph, Lin got hurt and Suyin's in shambles! I'm not asking you to arrest Suyin I'm just asking you to help her. Ground her! She needs a mother Toph, not an absent one!"
"If I need any advice from you I'd ask! It's just a scratch, Beifong's don't get hurt!-"
"Mom?-"
"-And what do you know about raising kids Sugar Queen? Your two oldest couldn't wait to leave you and where are they now?!"
"-Aunt Katara?-"
"-That's not fair and you know it! They're grown up! Let them do as they and ex- you know what? Forget it! Since you're blind to see what's in front of you I'll tell you! Lin hates you and you don't know why! You're so concerned about your job, about your name, about your position, about metalbending that you forgot what's important!"
"And what's so important huh?!"
"That Lin is important too!"
The silence is what stung Lin the most. Maybe it was the hesitance or maybe the fact that her mother took a whole 10 seconds to finally respond. It was enough for Lin to realize her mother never saw Lin on any level of importance in a very long time.
"So what. She's a big girl, she doesn't need me. She didn't need me when she started tying her shoes, she don't need me now."
Lin sighed felt tears prickle in her eye before quietly crawling out of bed and out the window. She made her way down to the beach and sat down mauling over her aunt and mother's words.
Maybe her mother was right. Maybe Lin was the first to start pushing everyone away. Maybe she forgot what family was. It would make sense why her mother and younger sister were close and how she wasn't. Maybe Lin stopped being apart of the family once she realized she was nowhere near the same as them. When she was the one ruining their fun and becoming a "party pooper."
And even if that was true, even if it were very much apparent, it didn't hurt any less. People used to tell her how much her mother and her were alike. Nicknaming her Little Toph or Tiny Beifong. That she was going to be just like her mother and become a great metalbender.
She thought that since she looked like her mother, became an officer like her mother, bent the same stones as her mother, that she and her would share a bond. A bond that no one would understand but them.
It hurt her once Suyin was born, it was like Toph and her clicked right away and suddenly Lin wasn't Little Toph anymore. She became Miss cranky pants or miss you're-not-Suyin's-mom. She was no longer little Chief but an annoyance to her and her mother. A nag that ruined the fun.
The more people saw Suyin and Toph together the more they said Suyin was exactly like her. Rough, abrasive, strong, stubborn and a powerful metalbender.
A metalbender. Lin just realized why her mother favored Suyin over her. It was because Suyin was a great metalbender. Maybe that's why she loved Suyin more than her.
Lin ran her fingers through the coarse sand and stared up at the moon. Was she always this different? Was she ever in the spotlight to begin with? Lin didn't know but she knew she'd have to accept that she'll never be good enough. Even as she thought these things, Toph was probably taking care of Suyin because she was upset.
Maybe one day Lin would be a true Beifong and everything will be fixed. One day where she was just liked her mother and sister and they could be happy. One day where she didn't become a buzz kill.
Maybe one day she'll be a great metalbender that was worth her mother's time. She just hoped it was soon rather than later. She didn't want to be the only one left behind.
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archer-kacey · 3 days
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Shawn Flynn (Analysis)
Let's talk about my favorite JDS weirdo!
We first hear Shawn's voice in Bendy and the Ink Machine, but Joey also mentions him in Illusion of Living in passing.
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Joey mentions two things here, firstly that Shawn does "an excellent job." I know Joey lies more than a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar, but considering the fact that JDS is held together with duct tape and rubber bands, I'm inclined to believe him here. After all, how the hell could they keep up with demands (so much so that the Alice dolls were overstocked) if the foreman fucked off constantly.
Joey also says that Shawn's "creativity knows no bounds." Makes sense for his position, but also helps confirm that Joey does think highly of him in terms of his work. On a personal level, though, maybe not so much.
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Based on Joey's insistence for perfection, we can infer that Shawn, like many, was just trying to do his damn job, and Joey blew his lid when things weren't exactly to his liking.
Shawn also mentions that the Alice merchandise wasn't selling well, and offhandedly proposes that they may have to melt the remaining stock down in order to get rid of it. Pretty self-explanatory tape, all things considered.
(The Bendy Wiki also mentions that he has a Dublin accent. I am not at all an expert on ANYTHING Irish but I did find out that Jacksepticeye is from Offaly, Ireland (Midland/East Ireland) and Dublin is also part of East Ireland, so...I'm assuming this is correct.)
There is also an easter egg with the Seeing Tool in BATIM written over Shawn's audio log, though this is mostly a nod to his voice actor.
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Anyway, onto Boris and the Dark Survival.
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In BATDS, Shawn mentions that he bought a new belt, (a one-of-a-kind toolbelt apparently,) and it was stolen immediately the next day. The perpetrator was a Gent employee, and they very brazenly wore it around right after stealing it. We aren't sure who this employee is, that's mostly speculation. But I don't think that's the point- this odd anecdote represents some of the first seeds of distrust being sown between JDS and Gent employees.
This brings us to Dark Revival.
Funnily enough, I find Shawn's departure from the studio much more interesting than his actual time employed there.
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Firstly, Shawn mentions that Joey took it well when he decided to leave. Between the shift towards Gent's experiments and new technology, the funding from Gent, and the sudden irrelevance of having Bendy merch going out in droves, it's possible that Joey just didn't care.
Shawn also seems to give zero fucks about Joey's opinion, based on his Dark Revival and Bendy audio logs, which I find fucking hilarious. Not the first disgruntled employee, but certainly the most confident when faced with Joey himself.
He mentions wanting to find a cabin upstate, see some open sky, and start anew with his family. Overall it seems like leaving JDS gave him a more hopeful lens on life.
But the MOST headscratching thing about his parting audio log is the last few lines;
"But before I go, I've made one last toy. A little parting present for the factory lads. Let's see how long it takes them to find it."
We never hear from Shawn again, so we have NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS LMAO. Leave it to Shawn to be mysterious for no apparent reason.
However, there is a possible connection to be made. In the Heavenly Toys area, there's a factory output sheet slapped on one of the walls.
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The last column mentions a "Bendy Starface Stuffed Toy", which we've never seen presently. There was only one ever made, and after that it was immediately discontinued.
I don't know why it would be listed at all if Shawn did leave the Starface Bendy as a gift, so this may all be a dead end. (I'm also aware that this might be a "Scarface" reference, although I really don't know what that has to do with anything.) Regardless, I find it a weird coincidence that Shawn left a single toy behind, and Starface also seems to be a completely unique Bendy toy.
TL;DR Shawn Flynn is cool and might have left an Among Us plushie at the studio for his co-workers
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xecutivecucumber · 17 hours
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Executive Cucumber's Thoughts on the Bad Batch 03x09!
Spoilers under the cut
Apologies for this being late, I worked overtime and then immediately went to rescue my sister and her kids from a car breakdown. I got overwhelmed pretty quick.
I really liked this episode, but as I was in a not great mood when I watched it, I didn't absorb as much as I normally do. (My mood really affects how much I enjoy something, regardless of quality. I was in a foul mood when I first watched Faster and was fairly critical of it. I was wrong.)
This is really the first time we've seen not beautiful weather on Pabu and that's terrifying.
CROSSHAIR IS PART OF A COMMUNITY!!! Have yall considered that he's never been a part of a community before? Like yes, he's has his family, but a community?
'Does it matter? We're not giving her up.' This man. I love this man. If Tech did not already reign Supreme in my heart, I think Crosshair would be my favorite character in Star Wars.
ASAJJ VENTRESS MY QUEEEEEEEEEN
Oh Omega, that story fell apart faster than Hunter's resistance to adopting you.
They leave a space for Tech 💔
Apparently those blood tester things that Qui Gon had were Jedi issue only.
YOU CAN DO IT OMEGA!!! Wrecker, honey, if Omega CAN do it, that means her life gets WAY harder.
They one hundred percent sent Crosshair to look at Tech's data because Hunter and Wrecker can barely do it.
'Go get a flower kid, I gotta beat up your dads'
Okay, I honestly think Hunter doesn't have the time for romance and could honestly see him as asexual, but-
HIS WAIST IS SO SLUTTY. HOW IS IT SO SLUTTY.
I don't think we've seen such well choreographed hand to hand fighting in animated Star Wars. Except maybe that time that Rex absolutely destroyed those Zygerrians. But I might be biased about that.
'SHE'S A WAR CRIMINAL OMEGA' Okay now I need to know what defines war crimes in this universe. Did they have space Geneva?
You know, good thing Echo's not here. He'd probably be WAY more pissed than these three.
'You're naive' says the man who was changed by the child saying people can change.
I love Crosshair's 'oh shoot she's right' face.
Wrecker's little gasp when Ventress looks at them is AMAZING.
I love it when Star Wars is using the Force to connect with animals.
I'm sorry, Hunter girlies, I guess we getting wet hair everyone except Hunter. (Though Ventress looks SO GOOD)
VENTRESS YOU QUEEN I LOVE YOU YOU'VE COME SO FAR (I haven't read dark disciple but my sister has, and she informed me that Vos' Dark Side training by Ventress culminated in him summoning a water monster and killing it. This is such a beautiful parallel that she calms it.)
Crosshair helping Omega on is my everything.
I really love that Crosshair has decided to give Ventress a chance, because he was given a chance. (And also I lowkey ship them in a one night stand kinda way. Crossajj is such a good ship name too)
DAD DUO.
I don't think Ventress is lying when she says Omega isn't Force sensitive. Omega doesn't show ANYTHING in this episode that implies that she's sensitive. Yes, she uses Batcher, but she'd trained Batcher with normal friend methods. I think that Ventress stops the testing prematurely before she can be more sure, because she sees the possibly unhealthy attachment the Batch have. It might also be to protect Omega to not know for sure. My personal theory is that Omega is slightly more sensitive than the average clone, but not to any natural talent degree.
Oh gosh, I'm so scared for the next few episodes. Ventress gives them such a clear warning. This episode did such a good job of getting the tension tight again.
I know some people call this episode redundant, but the characters NEED this in order to catch up. We as an audience knew that M Counts meant midichlorians. But the Batch had no idea. Sometimes, we need to let the main characters catch up with us.
(This is also why Tech as CX-2 works on a reveal level because the mystery isn't for us, it's for the characters)
But yeah, a great episode! I'm terrified for everything and everyone!
A quick note- I've seen people say that it's too late in the season for Tech to return. I'd like to remind you that it took exactly two episodes in season 2 to get us behind Crosshair's redemption. They can do a lot in a few episodes.
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hollowsart · 2 days
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Guy Gardner: Green Lantern!
Finally finished my redesign and ref sheet for this guy !!
I'm leaving the PL design cuz it slaps and also it's funny and I wanna make it canon that he got that ring at some point and had to deal with that for awhile. (he made it work. had fun)
he had an experience once with a red ring and he hated every minute of it. he's always running from it.
Anyways, he gives me cowboy and punk vibes.
miscellaneous info: (sorry if anything sounds repetitive)
--
Had a terrible upbringing, was not the favored child, often told he was a disgrace and compared often to his brother, really messed with his mental health and self perception.
Rebelled a lot in spite of his father. mother did nothing to help him, only one good point in high eyes is that at least she didn't hurt him. He doesn't have a great relationship with his family and has a bit of loathing towards his brother He has since become estranged from his family by choice.
Further rebellion lead to him living a more punk life, going against his father, a cop. He's living how he feels comfortable and free without the expectations from his family. Anything that would get a rise out of his dad? Oh, he's gonna do it. He's grown out of it, but sometimes the habits die hard Hard to give up, hard to move on.
Guy struggled to keep a job for years, finding and taking whatever he could. The last job he had before he was found by Abin Sur's ring was as a teacher for a local school. He was about to be fired and needed a new job anyway. He was happy to take it and escape his earth life for a little while. A further rebellion against his family, he'll claim, but really it was an escape from his miserable life at the time.
As a result of his constant search for a job, he's gained a lot of experience and knowledge with a wide array of things, such as swimming, coaching, cooking, mechanics, engineering, mending, dancing-- He's not a professional at any of these, he's quite rusty with some of them, but he's still very capable if these skills are ever needed.
With the ring, Guy finally found a job that he was good at, successful. It was one he didn't fumble catastrophically. He loves the GL corps and will do whatever he can to keep it, it's a place he feels accepted and liked. even if his personality and attitude may be a little hard to digest and tolerate for some. He's very passionate and cares a lot despite how stubborn and brash he may act.
The GL corps is really all Guy has. He puts a lot of his devotion into it. it's the only consistently positive things in his life. It's the one thing he would never run from. He would honestly defend the corps with his life, taking the oath to heart. His word is his bond and he values it.
Often gets into fights, is usually the one who starts it whether he intended to or not. He does finish them, at least.... well. If possible, he tries to. Albeit.. not in the best of ways. He still has a lot to learn.
Guy overcompensates his fears and worries, his anxieties with an overconfident and boastful, loud and abrasive attitude. His more vulnerable side is one that less than 5 people have ever seen and know of. He'd rather people see him as a dirtbag than as any less than a man. His dad instilled a lot of negativity towards himself from a young age. Feeling inferior. Anything goes wrong? Guy is bottling that up and taking it out on training dummies and letting it out in his room with a drink or two.
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tonberry-yoda · 2 days
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Love your writings! Enemies to lovers with our favourite capo? 👀
Enemies to Lovers - Bruno Bucciarati
notes - SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG OMFG! It's literally been in my ask box for a year dude. It might not be the best and I apologize, but nonetheless, it was still fun. I hope you enjoy, even if it's silly. word count - 861
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You were told to kill Bruno Bucciarati.
It was part of the job. Kill important people, make lots of money. Easy right?
You looked at yourself in the mirror as you tied up your hair and hid a knife in a garter around your leg. You felt… pretty. You smiled at yourself and turned to look at your outfit.
A ball with mafia members wasn’t rare, and it wasn’t rare that you went to them. You had actually met Bruno on several occasions.
It was such a shame you had to kill the poor man.
He was kind. Kinder than a lot of people you had met on the job. Kind, but he hated you. You knew he did. The way he would look at you over his glass of champagne from across the room, you just knew he wanted to kill you.
Frankly, you didn’t like him much either. You weren’t supposed to be kind in the mafia. If he was supposed to be any sort of boss, he should act like one. You were busting your ass just to hope that you would get promoted while he was building his way up dressed like a model.
You felt really good about the night to come. Never had you been so… nervous about a job.
You walked to the car that was waiting for you just outside of your house and you crawled in, thanking the driver.
It wasn’t a long drive, just a stressful one. You could feel your hands shaking. You had done this a thousand times before, so why was it so hard all of the sudden? You took a deep breath as the car stopped in front of a large mansion. You thanked the driver again and stepped out. The knife you hid was still securely against your thigh, so you walked to the entrance without a second thought.
The ballroom was crowded. Full of thousands of members of the mafia trying to make deals and kill each other. The energy was ecstatic. You loved it.
You scanned the room trying to get something. Anything. Any sign that Bruno was there. He had to be there. You saw dozens of familiar faces, so where was he?
“Hello, y/n.”
You nearly jumped out of your skin hearing Bruno behind you. You turned around and smiled wryly at him.
“Bucciarati.” You nodded.
“How lovely to see you.” He smiled.
“You as well.”
“Champagne?” He held out a glass to you with golden, bubbly liquid.
You took it with a smile. “How considerate.” You took a long sip, not once taking your eyes off of Bruno. The knife on your leg was getting antsy.
“Would you care to dance?” Bruno asked.
He was making this easy for you… too easy. You gave him a side eye, but took his hand anyway, setting your drink down on the table, knowing that you would probably never see it again.
Bruno swept you onto the dance floor, perfectly wrapping his arm around your waste. Dare you think that he was trying to make you fall in love.
“So, what are you doing here?” he asked quietly.
“What everyone else is doing here.” you answered vaguely.
“Always so clever.” he chuckled, shaking his head.
You two danced for a while. It felt like your heart was going to burst out of your chest and give you away if you didn't do anything soon.
“Everything all right?” Bruno asked.
You smiled. “Mhm. Just fine.”
“It’s getting crowded in here,” he whispered in your ear. “Let’s take this to the garden.”
Now you knew that he had figured out something. You were screwed if you followed him, but you were even more screwed if you didn’t. You let him lead you to the garden and tried to keep some sanity. It was a simple job. It was the least you could do.
It was cold out. But the kind of cold that you enjoy after time in the beating sun. A chill ran down your spine, but you didn't mind it.
Bruno sat on a bench next to some daisies and patted the open spot next to him. You sat next to him and looked up at the stars and moon. Now or never.
“Who’s paying you to kill me?” Bruno asked.
You weren’t shocked.
“Can't tell you.” you said.
He hummed in response. “I see. Well, are you going to do it?”
You looked over at him and chuckled. “No, I don’t think so.”
“No? Don't tell me you’re going soft.”
You slowly took the knife out and twirled it in your hand. “Not soft. I just think I brought the wrong weapon.”
Bruno laughed and leaned back on the bench. “Some other time then?”
You looked at the knife. “Yeah. Some other time.”
You turned to pull the knife out on him, to actually get the job done, but Bruno planted a quick kiss on your cheek and disappeared.
That knife wouldn’t have been of much help anyway.
Strangely, you longed for the next meeting with Bruno. To perhaps actually get the job done with a better weapon and a long dance.
~~~~~
jjba masterlist (2) (3) (4) | pinned post | ko-fi
2024 @tonberry-yoda – do not repost or claim ANY of my work as your own! likes, reblogs, and comments are not only welcome, but appreciated <3
~~~~~
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I feel bad for Starlo. (pt. 2)
Had they just let him get Clover the badge (and literally finish the best day of his life since, again, Clover's gotta go) and then all sat down to chat, everything would have been solved in minutes. Because clearly Starlo's main motivation is making sure other people are happy, right? If they tell him they're not happy, he'd sure as heck care about that. Just look at how he tells the group to have fun with Clover:
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btw, this is a human they SHOULD be excited to talk to more since well... they're a human. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, and they are SUPPOSED to be into the western culture almost as much as Star, or at least that's what Star thought. More on this later
But no, gotta act jealous instead, call Starlo's training lackluster...
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Then you make a better one, Ed, instead of complaining, Star's mind was too occupied with everything, as it always is. The town needs to be led by someone every day after all. It's all harder than it looks, you've gotta focus on schedules, new ideas, and most importantly radiating positive energy even in the worst of times
...say he's been throwing them around for human business...
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huh Moray?? He didn't force you to do anything, you all just went with it. If you hated the training, y'all never said it. Ed also says how he basically doesn't want to participate in the trolley problem which I found sorta.. weird. I mean, it's not very likely that in all the years they've spent roleplaying here, they've never done this before. And even if they hadn't, it really is logical to assume Ed didn't really mean he was terrified and was just acting to make the scene more "dramatic" The five of them ARE sort of actors anyway (why would he be scared tho? it's not a real train that's coming, no real danger here, just harmless fun)
... and apparently call him a meanie and a big-headed sheriff:
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HOW is he a meanie Mooch?? How??? He was just trying to be helpful and got too into everything. It's not the same as being mean on purpose. And even if he DID act prouder than usual, he honestly had every right to do it. After everything he's tried to do for the underground, his friends and family, he had every right to lift himself up. All you guys ever did was tag along with him everywhere apparently, never having to worry about anything but your own hobbies, had a secure AND fun job thanks to your boss, a place to live, nap times, PLUS Star was always a nice leader (Ed himself admits this; from my previous blog). How do I know he was nice? Aside from signs in the game, the gang only argued over trivial matters (IDK what exactly but Dina said this)
And Ace... wdym you're following them??
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Why??? Star literally praised you and thanked you! What the heck?? Yeah life dealth him a bad hand but you're not doing anything about this situation aside from leaving.
I love all four of them, but honestly, It's not like Star ditched any of you, he didn't ever act angry (besides when Ed insulted his mission, which IS frustrating because: 1) he tried his best to make it enjoyable for everyone 2) this comment Ed made contradicts everything Starlo wanted to feel that day: genuinely proud, happy, useful, important. He wanted to enjoy himself as much as possible and bring as much joy to others as he could. And he was right to want that... especially after all he's already done. Or tried to do. Even though he's too fiery, too passionate, *too much,* why didn't anyone let him know this? Why didn't they tell him he's NOT been making anyone happy, aside from the tourists? Why keep lying to him until his breaking point?
Better explained down here during a discussion in the messages here on tumblr in case ya'll have the patience to read it ↓
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Just... After thinking things through, I've started seeing things from a different pov. Yeah, the Four apologise to Clover in neutral, but Starlo STILL has to be the one to come to THEM for forgiveness. Forgiveness for what exactly? What did he do that was worse than what YOU guys did to HIM? (you too Ceroba, especially you, and I'll talk about this VERY soon, in a few days)
Forgetting to tie them off the rails (Ceroba forgot too) because he was too excited to well... feel like a somebody for the first time, like a real sheriff with a real deputy? Putting his needs and feelings first for once instead of walking outside his house at night and whispering to himself and thinking about every single problem he has on his plate? (I think it isn't the sheriff stuff he thinks about) Thinking he was doing the right thing by doing what he thought would be fun for everyone? Being kind to Clover? Not ditching his posse and just... idk, not running off to have an imaginary adventure with the human kid, with just the two of them? What the heck, guys.
Now, I'd understand if he'd been saying stuff like "Alright y'all, you better listen to everything I say, you understand!? Clover is the greatest thing since sliced bread, while all of you all nothing but a drag! Tch. Losers." Or "If you don't do this and that, you're fired for good! Clover will replace you! You're all lame anyway!" Or "Clover, get over here and join me on this and that! Right. NOW."
Starlo literally never said something even CLOSE to this. Only after Ed left did he let him and everyone else go, then blurted out "I was considering firing y'all anyway!" Honestly what I know about Star is that he's fiery and passionate and just snapped because he didn't understand why they left. He had done everything right.. right? He couldn't, no, wouldn't comprehend that his whole life in the Wild East has been a big fat lie. It hurt emotionally and his coping mechanism were always distractions. So he refused to see what he had (accidentally) caused.
In short, what bothers me is that all blame is put on Starlo and he's the only one who has to say sorry when he genuinely didn't know any better. Some folks just aren't introspective enough to notice people's true feelings and Star's one of them. And even if he's good at that, he's been so foused on this whole Wild East thing to think about that too, on top of everything.
He literally had to just stare off into the distance and rethink all his life choices that led him to this point (based on his letter), when instead he could have been a lone entertainer from the start. I mean, he carried all the comedy and charm on his own anyway (imo). He'd get to live his passion, plus entertain the tourists, plus boost his own confidence, PLUS none of his friends would be stuck at a job they hate! PLUS Ceroba, while still staying at Star's, could have gotten a better night's sleep with only the two of them being roommates! It would have been a win win win win win kinda situation if only they hadn't been lying to him for such a long time and just spoke up openly. Simple as that!
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*but it's almost Thursday ;p - Thank you so much for the tags @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad @alrightbuckaroo @carlos-in-glasses @lemonlyman-dotcom @whatsintheboxmh @sznofthesticks and @paperstorm !!
TK watches Marjan and Paul already bumping shoulders as they make their way from the truck to get changed and shower, already seeming to be friends on the first day.
He sure wishes that could be him right now.
Instead, he's seated on the edge of the ambulance overlooking the entire station while his partner is tucked towards the corner and scribbling inventory. It's been quiet for the last hour, and they haven't gotten a call all day. It was nice at first but now TK is starting to lose his mind. He's never had a partner ice him out so quickly.
There have been people he struggled to get along with, but professionally speaking they would always get the job done. It's hard to tell if that's going to be a problem with Nancy.
Tommy had retreated to her office after lunch, and since then it's just been the two of them sitting around. TK had tried to strike up conversation multiple times but Nancy didn't seem engaged at all and like she'd much rather be anywhere else. After the fifth failed start, he gave up and has been sitting- not sulking -in the ambulance since.
Nancy clears her throat and his ears perk up. He blinks and focuses back on whats in front of him, realizing he stopped writing down inventory. He turns to Nancy trying to keep a straight face.
"Can you..." she gestures to the doorway, silently pointing out- or shaming -that TK is blocking her from exiting. She's finished with her task. The faster paramedic.
"Oh. Sorry." He shifts his legs to the side.
She moves past him and hops off the ambulance, setting her clipboard on top of the nearby cart and walking towards the kitchen.
Without saying a word of thanks, or anything else.
TK sighs and drops his head. He hears laughter coming from the truck again, and turns his attention to see Judd and Mateo bumping fists and joking about something he can't hear.
It must be nice.
i'm like 99% sure i'm the last one to do this today so i don't wanna double tag anyone which means im open tagging everyone instead! And if I'm wrong about that and you want to be tagged next time throw eggs at my house in dms and lmk!
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starniolosposts · 1 day
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behind the fame (2)
part 1, part two
pairing: chris sturniolo x reader
summary: you are starting to drown in your life, from your job to your trauma— and don’t see a way out. then chris sturniolo comes into your life.
warnings: controlling, guilt tripping (none of this is from chris)
notes: do you guys like it? is there any constructive criticism you have? i just really hope its okay, its my first story. but i’m excited as well! (this is not proofread or edited)
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your phones ring tone blares through the bathroom, making your hands pause as you wash your hair. you had just gotten back home from that uncomfortable lingerie shoot that you never wanted to do. you gulped at the thought of everyone seeing you in such a vulnerable and exposed state.
contemplating, you shook your head and let your phone ring. you were in the shower with shampoo in your hair, why could you get out to answer it?
after your shower, you did your entire routine before looking at your phone. your eyes widened slightly in shock, caydens name displayed multiple times on the screen. he tried to call you 5 times and then went on to text you 10 times.
guilt bubbled up in your stomach as you chewed on your nail. what should you say to make him less angry? his texts were very passive aggressive, some just complaining snd some degrading. though thus wasn’t unusual for him,
you sighed and reluctantly pressed the call button.
of course he picked up in a millisecond, his tone making you shrink in on yourself. even just his voice has that much power over you, and you hate yourself for it.
"y/n, why didn't you answer me? it could have been very urgent. do you not care about me or this job?" he asks harshly.
you shake your head even if he cant see you. "of course i care! i'm so sorry, i was in the shower. i didn't see any of your calls or texts until i was out of the shower." you say, trying to convince him to not blow up. you hear him heavily sigh before he speaks with a normal tone, making you sigh in relief.
"well, it wasn't something urgent so you're lucky. i cancelled the shoot at 7, instead i want you to go to an influencer event. we need to start getting you out to social media, it'll help your reach to people." he explains.
relief flows over you, your stomach grumbling happily from the knowledge that you could eat without worry of bloating for the shoot or cayden knowing. "i agree, that would be great."
"good. i'll send you the details. make sure you look good, show off skin and look extra pretty. influencers from every platform will be there, some with thousands of followers and some with millions and millions." cayden chuckled, taking joy in the fact that he knew he was making you anxious about it.
you bit the inside of your cheek before responding. "okay, i'll try my best."
cayden didn't say anything before he hung up, making you set your phone down with a small huff. you stared down at your floor in thought. you were going to meet some of the biggest/trendiest influencers of right now, and you were very nervous. social interaction never came easy to you, you were on the shyer and more introvert side, despite your job. now you would have to introduce yourself to important people, and you knew cayden would be breathing down your neck the whole entire night. he would kill you if you screwed this up.
you were not very excited to say the least.
you got up and searched in your fridge for something to eat, and thought on the bright side of thing, at least you didn't have to do that bikini shoot early tomorrow morning.
as you sat at your kitchen island, eating a bowl of cereal even if it was late at night, your phone dinged. you grumbled and picked it up, knowing it was cayden since no one else texted you. he had sent you the details for the event. it was tomorrow at 6 pm, at a really nice venue not to far from your apartment.
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“remember, smile like you love them. they like to be appreciated and want to feel important. flirt if you have too, just make sure to give a good impression. have them remember you.” cayden directed, sipping on his whiskey in the back of the limo, you sitting next to him.
you gulped and nodded, taking a deep breath as you got closer to the venue. you looked down at tour outfit and felt goosebumps rise on your arms. it was freezing outside, but cayden had demanded you wear this revealing dress. it was black, sparkly, and tight, having a very low neckline to show off your breasts and a high slit going up to your mid-thigh.
“will you be staying at the event?” you asked, and your prayers were ignored as he nodded.
“yes. i’ll be watching over you, don’t worry.” he smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. you only nodded once again.
the venue was beautiful. you stepped out of the limo in awe, mouth agape as you looked around at the marvelous outside. you yelped as a cold hand pressed harshly on your lower back, guiding you to the entrance.
cayden leaned down to your ear, “be good.” his tone was a warning, dark and threatening.
bad shivers went down your spine and cayden himself just caused your stomach to churn. you wanted to lean away but stayed frozen, only your legs moving to walk inside the big entrance.
as you walked in the venue on shaky legs with cayden behind you, people started to whisper.
“is that y/n l/n? i didn’t know she would be here!”
“woah, a celebrity is here? why is she here?”
“dude, did you see her wearing that lingerie shit? i want to fuck her so bad, now i have the chance to talk to her.”
your chest heaved in panic, your eyes staring down at your feet as you swiftly made your way to and empty table. you sat down and rubbed your forehead, easing your anxiety and panic. you never did good with attention, especially when it was negative or weird. good attention you were fine with, it was nice to be noticed and appreciated sometimes. but you hated the creeps or the people who made fun of you just because you were you.
“y/n, calm down. people will talk, its not that big of a deal. your behavior right now is embarrassing and outrageous. do i need to remind you of what i said?” cayden leaned down to look you in the eye, raising an eyebrow.
you blinked and shook your head. “n-no. i’m fine, i’m fine.” you cleared your throat and shook up, shoving down tour nerves and feelings as you started to walk around. you felt better with cayden following you, as he decided to sit down at the empty table with his drink and phone, not paying attention to you at all. it felt nice, freeing.
others peoples eyes were on you, but you tried to pay them no mind. you bit your lip as you try and find someone who looked welcoming or inviting, but could find no one. everyone was already in their groups/cliques, and it made you feel awkward barging into their group.
your looking at your feet to not make eye contact with anyone, but accidentally bump into someone. you gasp and stumbled backwards to fall, but someone grabs your arm and steadies you. its the guy you bumped into, and you stare.
he stares as well, shock written in his blue eyes as he searches your face in recognition. he clears his throat and lets go of your arm, “are you okay?”
you can only blink up at him, and it makes him chuckle at your silence.
“did you hit your head or something?” he asks cheekily, then sticks his hand out with a grin. “i’ll properly introduce myself. i’m chris sturniolo.”
chris’ introduction is met with more silence, and he tilts his head in confusion. he knows you talk, as you have on tv and interviews he’s seen. he knows who you are, who doesn’t at this point? you’re y/n l/n, the famous young model who is climbing the ranks quickly. he wonders what your doing here, at a influencers event. you were way to famous to be here.
your throat is dry and your heart pumps for a different reason than anxiety. his hair flips as his head tilts, eyes staring into yours with an unreadable expression. you gulp and mindlessly nod in response to his introduction, shaking his hand.
chris’ lips twitch into a smirk as he lets your hand go, and he gets a feeling that you wont talk easily. were you too nervous? lost your voice? maybe you randomly decided to go mute? did you not like him and not want to speak to him? he shrugs in his mind before sighing, “alright, well it was nice to meet you. my brothers are waiting over there—”
“can i come with?”
chris blinks before a smirk reaches his mouth, feeling accomplished. he got you to talk, and he liked your voice. “sure, quiet girl.”
you huff a small laugh at the nickname and quickly follow after chris as he maneuvers his way through the crowd of people. he glances behind him and smiles, “i warn you, my brothers will freak when they see you. they are fans of you and love your work.”
blush tints your cheeks, still not used to having fans and people that admire you. you nod and wring your hands, nervous to start meeting new people.
“chris! where did you run off to?! i literally just met larray and i’m freaking out.” a voice that sounded similar to chris exclaims.
your slightly behind chris, but can see the two carbon copies of him. your eyes widen in surprise, they were triplets?
chris smirks, and his brothers know what that smirk means. “what did you do now?” one asks with exasperation.
“nothing, i just bumped into someone too.” he said nonchalantly, building it up, “her name is y/n l/n.” you took this as you were supposed to introduce yourself, so you stepped into their line of sight and smiled with embarrassment.
the one with the nose ring stared at you with his jaw dropped, and the other one that looked most like chris had his eyes wide open.
“oh holy mother of fuck, it really is her! its such a pleasure to meet you, i’m nick sturniolo and this is matt.”
you laugh and your eyes crinkle from how wide you smiled. you loved when people weren’t to serious, and didn’t caring about what others thought. you could tell nick didn’t care, and you wished you were like that. “i’m y/n l/n.”
“no shit. you’re a full blown celebrity. what the hell are you doing here?” nick asks, then receives a small glare from chris and matt. “i mean— i’m just wondering why you would grace these people with your presence when they don’t deserve it.”
your cheeks turn pink and you shrug. “manager said it would be good for me. and please, just treat me like a regular person.” you tried to joke.
nick chuckled nervously, “yeah, sorry about my fan-girling. ill stop now.”
“good, your squealing was getting annoying.” matt starts to poke fun, but it made your eyes widen. you didn’t have any siblings, so you weren’t very familiar with how their dynamics worked. you watched in confusion and wonder as they started to bicker. you caught on pretty quick that they didn’t mean any of it was were just doing it for fun and teasing.
“they do this all the time, ignore them. they fight the most out of all of us.” chris says, standing next to you with his arms crossed as he looked at his brothers.
you nodded and softly smiled. you liked them already, they seemed genuine and made you feel as ease without even saying anything and without you even knowing them. it made you drawn to them.
chris feels himself get nervous and get small butterflies in his stomach when he glances at you, which has never happened before. he gulps and blurts out, “how is the event going so far for you?”
you pull a face and tilt your hand back in forth in a ‘so-so’ motion. “alright. its not really my thing, social gatherings.”
chris nods and laughs, “me too, i hate these event things. nick forced me and matt to come.” he grumbles, glaring at them, who are still going back and forth.
“i understand.” you whisper, thinking back to how cayden forces you to do things too. your mind couldn’t help but think back on the words he said to you in the limo. ‘flirt if you have too.’ you shook your head with furrowed brows. you would never just flirt with someone to get their attention, absolutely not. the thought of flirting with someone you don’t like romantically makes you uncomfortable, but if cayden was watching, would he want you to flirt with the triplets? you glanced at chris subconsciously and your eyes scrutinized him carefully. you liked his style, his hair looked soft, his side profile was attractive, his eyes that were looking at you—
you quickly looked away and felt humiliation and embarrassment fill you. he caught you blatantly staring with blush on your cheeks, how could this get any worse?
“y/n.”
your muscles immediately tense and your breath hitches at the sound of caydens voice behind you. the underlining tone of anger made you want the ground to swallow you hole.
chris, nick, and matt all turned to look at cayden standing behind you, confused and cautious from your reaction. chris was most suspicious as he saw the dread fill your eyes the second you heard that voice, and he couldn’t help but think something was wrong.
cayden smiled at the triplets, but even they could tell it was strained. “nice to meet you, gentlemen. i’m y/n’s manager, cayden anderson.” he sets a hand on your forearm, shifting you closer to him. it felt like a jealous and territorial move, and it made your skin crawl with uncomfortableness.
you gulp and stare down at the floor, wishing for this interaction to be over with. cayden always brought awkwardness, tension, and a whole ball of negativity to anyone close or trying to be close with you. ironic, since he tells you to make connections and then gets jealous when you try to.
the triplets could obviously feel the tension by their silence.
nick is the first to break the awkward and tense silence. “yeah, nice to meet you too. i’m nick sturniolo, and this is chris and matt. we’re triplets.” he explains, trying to smile it off.
chris glances between you and cayden, and he knows its none of his business considering he only met you 5 minutes ago, but you seemed so obviously uncomfortable and anxious around your manager that it was hard to miss. “nice to meet you.” he says curtly, deciding very quickly he doesn’t like this cayden guy.
cayden stared at chris dead in the eye, feeling his dislike towards him. he is surprised when chris gives him a dirty look while scanning him up and down, since not many people are brave enough to do that to a well-known and famous modeling manager.
“well, i think tonight is enough for y/n. she has a early shoot tomorrow.” cayden pats your arm before squeezing, making you wince and nod silently in agreement.
chris bit his tongue, forcing himself not to say anything to that. it was only 6:30, 30 minutes into the event. he glanced at you, “alright, good luck on the shoot.” he smiles, making you blink before a small smile grows on your lips. you didn’t want to leave, you want to get to know the triplets more. but you knew that you couldn’t disobey cayden, especially not when he was in this mood.
“thanks.” you whisper, and then you are whisked away by cayden, not being able to say goodbye to tour new friends? acquaintances? you didn’t know, you didn’t have a lot if experience in the friend department, as sad as that sounds. your whole life had been modeling, and you were taught to make no friends in the industry.
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“…was that weird, or is that just me?” matt speaks up, staring in the direction you were dragged off in.
nick nods and bites the inside of his cheek. “yeah, but she was really sweet and shy. i don’t like that guy though. crayon, or whatever the fuck his name was.” he grumbled.
chris sighed, ignoring the urge to go after you to… he doesn’t know. to get your number? ask you to stay? this was unlike him, being so unsure and anxious to talk to someone. usually he was fine with new people, making conversation easily, but with you its different and he doesn’t know why.
nick and matt glance at each other as chris was distracted, eyes staring off in the direction you were dragged off in with a sour look on his face.
“i wonder if he’s interested in her.” matt asks with a yawn. he is his triplet after all, he can tell when something like this happens.
nick sighs and rolls his eyes, “i’m pretty sure he’s already falling in love. he was quiet and he seemed nervous. you and i both know those are signs of a crush for chris.”
“i mean, she is y/n l/n. who doesn’t have a crush on her?” matt comments, scrolling on his phone mindlessly.
“true, i’m gay and i have a crush on her.”
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@enyaslover
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suttttton · 2 years
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me 🤝 my mom undiagnosed anxiety disorders
#the older i get the clearer it becomes that me and my mom catastrophize about things very similarly#difference is i found healthy coping mechanisms while my mom found homophobic death cult evangelical christianity#of course this realization makes me feel very bad for my mom because like. i get it.#she tells me that she worries about me and i know she doesn't mean the normal way moms worry about their kids i know she actually means#that she has a creeping suspicion that my life choices are going to send me to hell and she feels powerless to stop it#and her brain will not let her think about anything else so 24/7 its just alarms blaring#and because she's constructed her entire belief system around having anxiety she's like. this fear i feel is a message from god.#and i have no idea how to help her#like????#she's literally believed these things fro her entire life giving them up feels like the end of the world#and her WHOLE FAMILY is there with her so even if she could realize she'd be happier without these beliefs#she'd immediately have a dozen trusted voices telling her no actually. your anxiety is correct and you're right to afraid all the time#for awhile when i was like. 18-19. the major question i had about my childhood was WHY didn't my mom never take me to therapy#because yeah okay she came from a culture where therapy isn't trusted and god is supposed to fix all your mental illnesses#but she read all the parenting books and universally took experts' advice over what she'd learned from her own parents#(because she knew her parents hadn't done a great job and didn't want to repeat their mistakes)#and she KNEW i was REALLY bad. i was crying all the time having her drive me to the bookstore to get books i thought might help#sending myself into anxious spirals if anyone mentioned death around me#not a fun time in my life or her life#and she DID take me to talk to my pediatrician about it so like??? why did we never see a therapist???#i was 9 i though there was just nothing that could be done but????????#but now i realize that what happened to me back then didn't really scan in my mother's head as something wrong with me#because she was the same way#:/
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ablednt · 2 years
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Honestly though I really am in such a weird spot with my mental health that I know at least a few others are in where I have a grasp on systemhood and sharing my body strong enough that I am not going to do anything to seriously hurt it
But it's like if I were alone in here I know I would be very much high risk of shit like I don't hurt myself because it would hurt the people i love in a very physical sense and also because I would just have control taken from me by someone else I don't have a choice in the matter really.
But when I reassure everyone that I won't do anything drastic it sounds like I'm telling them I'm okay and that my mental health is doing alright and that would be a lie my mental health is really bad frankly and though I am in some ways in a better place than I was as a teenager when I didn't have the experience I do now in other ways I'm a lot worse.
It's frustrating like I tell people that suicide doesn't trigger me because it doesn't and they assume that it's because I don't struggle with suicidal ideation but really it's because it's a constant influence on me it's always in the back of my brain.
Just a lot of stuff like that? It's because of the way neurotypicals organize psychiatric help and how they define a crisis only as it effects others. Like yeah I sure am palatable to society I sure am non-threatening. I am also in a perpetual state of emotional crisis that makes me always feel a little too close to death for my own comfort though but like haha it's fine I'm not going to hurt myself and that's the only thing that matters to "pro recovery" people really/s
#suicide tw#self harm tw#like I wish I was worse sometimes that I could actually get real help#it's not like being openly suicidal would get me any help though when I tried to say hey my mental healths been bad lately#to the parents the dad threatened to tie me up in his room to 'stop me from hurting myself'#cause obviously everything can be solved with physical abuse/s and I told him if he even fucking touched me I'd report that shit#(like ACAB and truly ik the cops wouldn't do shit so tbh i probably wouldn't but it does work on him) but anyway normal day discussing#mental illness at my house it's like 'we tried gaslighting you into thinking you were neurotypical and that didn't work#so what if we threatened you would that make you normal lol'#honestly rationally I know it'll get better once I move out and that without the looming pressure of their presence everything feels So Easy#but I'm fucking terrified that I'll fall apart or lose my job (if I get it. not official yet but fingers crossed) or I'll just. break#I never learned to actually cope with anything I just learned how to act fine so my parents wouldn't hurt me#so now as an adult I'm like ??? a????#id talk to the therapist I apparently just finally fucking got assigned to me about all this but you see#I am moving as soon as i find an apartment/get a job and am assuredly losing my insurance so#I'll have to start again entirely which is so frustrating#idek if a therapist will do any good for me to be real with y'all but I just. need someone I can fall apart around withou#*without causing them great distress#cause my friends really can't deal with this stuff I vent a lot to them I'm open about my issues but I don't ever want them to bear the#weight of it all they've got their own problems just as serious as mine 😔
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writingouthere · 2 months
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bestfriendsbrother!Sukuna x pregnant!reader one-shot
summary: you're excited to finally share with all your friends that your pregnant when the party is interrupted by your best friend's older brother, who you didn't invite, but who you did have unprotected sex with less than two months ago.
cw: reader is pregnant, Sukuna is a bad dude, possessive behavior, minor smut, still as usual nicer than it sounds because I can't help it.
**************
"I'm pregnant!"
Your news is met with a period of silence before your friends look at each other, uncertain as to how to react.
Nobara finally breaks the silence, an eyebrow raised. "And we feel...."
"We're happy about it," you say and your friends are then quick to congratulate you. You hear some sort of scuffling happening behind you and you turn around to see Yuuji unfolding a "We're having a Baby!" banner which makes Megumi nearly jump out of his chair.
"Holy shit, did you two-"
"No!"
"Ew, no!"
Yuuji frowns at you. "The 'ew' wasn't necessary."
You and Nobara scoff. "It was," you tell him. "And I say that with all my love."
"Okay, so if this idiot didn't knock you up-"
"Hey!"
"-then who did?"
You'd been expecting the question and had prepared for it. "It was just a one night stand, he's not really father material." Everyone looks like they want to ask more questions so you smile at them, genuinely happy they all look ready to commit a crime for you. "It's okay, I have a good job and this is something I've wanted for a long time. This baby will be really loved because it will have me and, I hope, all of you."
Your friends are quick to agree and there's some lighter questions about potential names, nurseries and Nobara and Todo are looking at her phone debating baby onesies, when the door to you and Yuuji's apartment opens and someone you had definitely not invited comes in.
"Sukuna! You're late, you missed the big news," Yuuji calls out as he walks over and claps his brother on the back. A few people call out greetings as Yuuji's older brother looks around the apartment. His eyes linger on you for a second, a smirk tugging up on his lip before he notices the sign hanging crooked over the kitchen doorway and he laughs without an ounce of humor.
"You've gotta be fucking kidding me, you knocked someone up? You irresponsible piece of shit-"
"It's not his and don't kill him, you asshole," Megumi says from where he has now joined the onesies discussion and points over at you. "It's the other person who lives here."
Sukuna pauses from where he was about to murder his brother, to look back over at you. You wonder if his brain is doing the same cursed math that you had done when you were hyperventilating, holding a stick covered in your own pee, but before he could ask anything, Maki ended the silent stand off.
"And we're happy about it, so get happy you piece of shit."
With that, the party continues on, people breaking off until little groups and snacks being placed strategically throughout the apartment.
You're feeling thirsty, and a little exhausted from the burning stare that's been directed at you for the past hour when you excuse yourself from where Miwa and Mechamaru had been talking about their own future plans for children, who you're sure would be socially inept but gorgeous enough to make up for it, and made your way to the kitchen.
You were pulling out some water, no alcohol for you even though you really needed it, when you felt someone's presence behind you.
"So when were you going to tell me we were having a baby?"
"Never, because it's not yours," you answered firmly, slamming the door to the fridge for good measure. Sukuna leaned against the cabinet next to you but you'd known him long enough to see the pose for what it was. A ruse, a performance of casualness. The fingers on his hand tapped against his arm like he was playing the piano, one of the few tics he had that showed when he was feeling, well just feeling anything in general.
"Oh please, you're not fucking anyone else."
"You don't know that and we're not fucking, we fucked once. Singular, past tense."
He laughed and looked down at you, the same predatory look he'd had the night he'd helped you make this child.
"And once was all it took huh? Fucked you so good, you're going to have my baby," he says, voice mocking and he stands up to his full height which puts him over you. He takes the glass of water you're really regretting now, and places it on the counter opposite the two of you.
"It-it's not your baby," but you don't sound sure and he knows it and he presses up against you until your back is to the counter. Nowhere for you to run.
"It's mine, just like you're mine. I don't know who you think you're kidding with this denial of me but it's done now, sweetheart."
You go to answer him and Sukuna covers your mouth with his hand like the rude fuck he is and then leans down, his mouth next to your ear. You look around, worried someone might see you but the gap between the fridge and the counter conceals you both and the room next to you keeps getting louder and louder. The sun had set and there were maybe some lamps in the living room, but here in the kitchen it was dark.
"I let you have your space and your time, two months of it actually. I let you have your little moral crisis about fucking a criminal and it being the best dick you've ever had wah wah, but I was impatient before I knew you were having my baby, and now," he leans back so his eyes, and they're on fire his eyes, are level with yours. "I'm done waiting."
You tug on Sukuna's hand and he rolls his eyes before removing it from your mouth and places it on your hip which doesn't seem like a good trade-off but at least you can speak again.
"What does that even mean?" You ask him, your voice showing the incredulity you're feeling but if Sukuna had anything, it was audacity.
"I mean I'll give you a week to tell your friends you're having our baby and that we're getting married." He says it so seriously that you can't help but laugh which seems to be the wrong response when his other hand moves to your hip as well and squeezes, tight.
"We are not getting married, are you out of your mind?"
"Why not, we're already having a baby, are you going to deny me the ability to live with my own child."
"Still not your kid, and we can't get married Sukuna. We never even dated! We fucked one time, that doesn't mean we should just be together forever."
"We fucked for one night, it was more than one time-"
"Not the argument you think it is," you interrupt him but you still let him pick you up and place you on the counter. You sit there while he runs his hands up and down your thighs, the sounds of the party washing over the two of you as you stay in your little bubble.
"We'd be good together," he finally says. "Not just because I knocked you up on the first try." You hit him but he just smirks and moves his hands more purposefully on your legs. You let him pull them apart and step between them even though warning bells are going off in your head, telling you these are moves you'd seen before and they had led to you being in the predicament the two of you were debating in the first place.
"It's inevitable, the two of us. You can say you hate me, or that I'm not a good man, and that's true. But there's a reason why you've never stayed with any of those nice boys," he says and his hands slips up the skirt you're wearing to get at your bare thighs underneath. "Because you don't want a nice guy, you don't want a good man, you want me and I'm too selfish to let you keep torturing both of us by doing this pretending shit."
The fingers on his right hand press against your cunt through your panties while his other hand squeezes your thigh and he moans sinfully into the quiet air.
"God, I knew I didn't make up this warm, wet cunt. Been fucking my fist until I chafed the past two months just thinking about it."
You whimper as he moves your underwear aside and slips one finger up and down your slit, not touching your clit or going where you want him, but doing enough that you move against his hand.
"This does not mean that we should get married," you protest and he teases a finger against your opening, pulling it back when your hips tilt up in an attempt to get him where you want.
"Why not? I heard pregnant women get super horny, what are you going to do without me around to make sure this filthy pussy gets stuffed just the way she needs." He finally slips one finger in, his thumb moving to tease against your clit, just the way you like it and your head smacks back against the cabinet. He moves the hand that had been on your thigh up so he can cradle your head.
"I'm sure I could find someone willing to help me out," you say scoffing and his hand freezes which makes you whine a little and try to get him to move again but his legs limit your range of motion.
"You ever try to fuck someone else ever again and the coroner is going to have to get dental records to figure out who the dumb fuck with no fingers, no eyes and no cock is, you got it?"
He's not joking, you know he's not joking but it doesn't stop you from leaning forward until you finally get your lips on his. He hums into your kiss, cupping your cheek in his free hand while the other one goes back to opening you up. You're so wet that the kitchen fills with the sounds of his him finger fucking your cunt but you can't even find it in yourself to be embarrassed. He's not wrong that pregnancy has made you more sensitive, or maybe it's just you not having gotten laid since the two of you had slept together.
He's got three fingers in you when you come and he swallows your moans greedily with mouth while his fingers slow inside of you, curving just right to make you think you could probably come again soon, oversensitive or not.
Before you can test that out, he pulls away from you. He licks the fingers he pulled out of you clean and you you're reminded of how the last time he'd made you come twice just with his mouth.
"Where are you going?" you ask him, a little more breathless than you like.
"We are going home," he tells you, grabbing your hands and helping you down off the counter. Giving you a kiss on your forehead that you would tease him for if you were anyone else.
"Home?" you ask, confused because you are currently standing in your apartment unless his orgasms suddenly give one the power to teleport.
"Yeah, our home, not the shitty apartment you share with my brother. I mean we'll have to get somewhere bigger soon, for our baby."
For the first time since you found out you were pregnant, someone who was not you laid out their palm on your still just the same stomach. There was no change from how it always looked but Sukuna looked smug just the same and you felt like you were still missing a few things.
"What-"
"I mean I can fuck you here, I just thought your sensibilities and the fact your friends were all out there would make you uncomfortable."
Your post orgasm flush finally leaves you and you look up at him in panic. "Oh my god, do you think someone saw-"
"It's okay, Fushiguro kept them out I'm sure."
You don't want to know but ask anyway. "Why?"
"Because he walked in earlier and looked like he'd seen a ghost. Tell me, is the kid still a virgin? He's pretty but I can't imagine he has a lot of good options in your crowd."
When you leave to go to Sukuna's, the only people who don't look confused(or horrified in Yuuji's case) at your departure are Maki and Megumi.
If the confusion hadn't been cleared up by the time the baby came, the pink hair probably answered any follow up questions.
dealing with some writer's block and had this idea. didn't feel like writing a whole smut scene, my b but saving that energy for the next(?) neighborsukuna x singlemom one.
side note: Megumi is scarred for life, for sure. Yuuji gets over his horror once he's an uncle.
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osaemu · 4 months
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GOJO SATORU: ❛❛ IS IT OVER NOW? (IT ISN'T) ❜❜
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.ೃ࿐ streamer!au: all good things come to an end, including your relationship—but don't worry, broken hearts can be mended, but only if you're both willing to try.
contents: fem!reader. you two break up and make up! you guys fight/break up over something that coulda been resolved with better communication. kinda suggestive ending, maybe i'll drop a part two if this does alright. satoru announces your break-up on his stream. longest fic i've posted so far, 4k words (kms).
author's note: the long awaited angst has finally arrived.. big thank you to @screampied for beta-reading!! tagging @yunymphs who read it early and @sutorus + @kentopedia who i both miss very much!!
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ever since you first joined satoru on his stream, it’s gotten way more popular than either of you could’ve ever expected. before he brought you onto his live, he was averaging about eight thousand views per stream. now, his average was well over fifteen thousand—and that wasn't even including the publicity he got from other websites. when satoru accidentally left the camera on while you two made out, you two went viral on twitter. and when another user tried to swipe him away, the clip got over a hundred thousand views on youtube.
at first, satoru didn't mind the change his stream was going through—in fact, he welcomed it. but lately, things have been… different.
last week, while satoru was playing in some competition, he won first out of hundreds of equally proficient players. had it been anyone else, their comments would've been filled with congratulations and good job's, but in his case, all satoru got were messages asking where you were. that wasn’t the first time—ever since that very first day, when you showed up on his stream, satoru’s audience has entirely shifted. and honestly, if you were in his position, you'd be a bit annoyed. anyone would be. 
but you had never expected that it would be so big of a deal that you and satoru—the "cutest couple on the internet"—would break up over it.
you walk along the chilly, suburban sidewalk up to your boyfriend’s house. satoru had just sent you a message asking if you could come over, and like always, you answered with an immediate yes. a flock of crows fly by, raven feathers providing a stark contrast between them and the pale gray sky around you. it’s gray and gloomy, but not unpleasant. 
a sweet, romantic song plays in your ears as you knock three times on satoru’s front door. his familiar voice calls out “coming!”, and you can hear his footsteps grow louder and louder until he swings open the door. satoru smiles down at you, cheeks already rosy from the cold winter air. “hey.”
you tilt your head and smile back at him. “that’s all i get? hey?” you huff, walking into his living room behind him as the door closes behind you. “d’you have any hot chocolate? i’m freezing,” you say, licking your lips. satoru turns and pauses, an unreadable expression on his face. “satoru?”
after a moment, your boyfriend snaps out of it. “oh, yeah, sorry,” he says ruefully. satoru rubs his eyes with one hand and uses the other to open the door to his bedroom, and as you follow him in, you’re hit with a blast of warm air. “i’m just kinda tired, but yeah, i have some hot cocoa in here. c’mon.”
“anything i can do for you?” you offer, sitting down on the corner of his bed. you’ve been to his house so many times that it feels like home—maybe even more so than your own place. everything about satoru’s room is comfortable, from his plush chairs to the faux-fur blankets draped over every single piece of his furniture. you could probably fall over at any given point and it wouldn’t actually hurt—you’d just land on something soft and/or fluffy.
but that wasn’t all that made you so in love with his home. it was just the way it felt—words couldn’t describe the way everything was just so right and just so perfect, and you really did hope that you’d never have to see a time where you wouldn’t be able to spend time with your boyfriend here.
it really is a shame that all good things had to come to an end. at least, that’s what you kept telling yourself as satoru finally told you why he called you over. unlike nearly every other time, it wasn’t because he missed you or wanted to cuddle—it was quite the opposite, really.
“i don’t think this is working.”
six words that shattered the life you had come to know and love.
“is this a joke?” you try, an unnerved smile spreading across your lips against your will. he doesn’t reply instantly, which is so out-of-character for him that it makes you stiffen up. “satoru, this isn’t funny—”
“i’m not kidding,” satoru murmurs, looking away. he refuses to meet your eyes, and some part of you is still desperately trying to find reason in the chaos that’s slowly taking over your mind. how could it be that everything was just fine two minutes ago and now it’s anything but that? did something happen? did you say the wrong thing? did you—
“it’s not funny,” you insist, still somehow clinging onto your slowly-dwindling hope. maybe you’re in denial, but still, you were sure that everything was fine—no, that everything is fine. there was no past-tense, right? how could the glass home you’d built with your bare hands just crash down at the throw of a pebble?
satoru finally meets your eyes, and your breath catches in your throat. there’s no amused glimmer in his eyes, no “just kidding” in sight, and even worse, you can’t even see an ounce of the love or adoration you’d come to grow so attached to in just a couple months.
“what happened?” you whisper, miraculously managing to keep yourself together. you’d never forgive yourself if you just started crying over a breakup you weren’t even sure was happening—what little’s left of your pride is holding on. you allow yourself to wrap your arms around your chest, curling into your own embrace. 
satoru doesn’t reply for a long second. right when you’re sure he just won’t reply, he does, and it all comes spilling out in a messy stream of words. “it’s just… i can’t do this anymore. i can’t keep going online and seeing everyone on my stream talking about you. i love you, i really do, but it’s just—” satoru shakes his head frustratedly. “i don’t know how to say it, but you know what i mean, right?”
your eyebrows furrow and you shake your head. “you’re breaking up with me because you’re tired of seeing me?”
“no, fuck,” satoru groans, running a hand through his hair. his previously cool and collected demeanor starts to fall apart as he takes a step back. “i don’t know how to explain it, but— shit, you wouldn’t understand.”
you swallow and start to stand up, still willing to try. “then help me understand, satoru, i—”
“you’ve seen the comments, and you’ve seen all the posts on twitter,” satoru says, tilting his head back and glaring at the ceiling. “it’s not your fault, but i really just can’t stand everyone disregarding me and turning my own stream into a youtube channel starring you.”
his words sting like alcohol in an open wound, and you fight the battle of your life to prevent the thousands of tears hiding behind your eyes from being visible. even so, your voice wobbles ever so slightly as you say “that’s a bullshit reason to break up, satoru—”
your boyfriend—is he even still your boyfriend?—scoffs and shakes his head, stumbling back and falling into his chair. "for you, it isn't. you wouldn’t understand. for me, it's like everyone's just... invalidating the three years i've spent on this shit. and i can't do it anymore, i just can't."
you blink slowly, backing away towards his bedroom door. "what does that mean?"
satoru exhales a bitter laugh and turns away, the back of his chair facing you. you think you can hear him take a soft, shaky breath as the room falls silent. neither of you make a sound before satoru turns back toward you, a blank look on his face.
he looks up at you, azure eyes devoid of the sparkle you've become so familiar with. satoru smiles sadly, but to your dismay, there's no real emotion behind it. it's almost like he's already accepted it when he says, "it means we—" he pauses and looks away. "this is over."
you reach out toward him, desperate to hold on to him—to the invisible string that ties you and satoru together, but he's just out of your grasp. "satoru, it isn't even that big of a deal, why are you—"
satoru turns and fixes you with a stern glare, and just like that, the string that kept you and satoru together for months, maybe years snaps, and you're left with a limp strand of what it once was. taking the hint, you walk out of his room in a daze, hardly noticing the way he says "i'm sorry".
and the worst part? he said he still loved you. but apparently that wasn’t enough.
satoru has every right to be annoyed that his stream is only growing because of you—his stream was the way he made money, and after all, it was never meant to be about you. 
and maybe he was never meant to be for you either.
the walk home is cold and lonely. you slip a hand into your pocket—the pocket of satoru's hoodie, which you should probably return to him—and extract your earphones. it probably isn't a good idea to wear both outside as you walk home, but you do it anyway—this day can't possibly get any worse.
a soft voice murmurs words of sorrow and encouragement in your ear as the music takes you to another world. maybe this—the breakup—was meant to happen. maybe it was a mistake to date a boy with thousands of fans.
as soon as you get home, your phone dings softly. you pick it up and frown when you see it's from toru. you'd have to change that name later.
toru: idk if u blocked me already but i still have a lot of ur things, do u wanna come pick them up later?
toru: or i can drop them off tmrw ig
you miss the way he used to text you—with an obnoxious amount of exclamation points and an even worse amount of emojis. now, it's like all of the flavor's gone from his words, and it hurts. that's when it actually settles in, that this is really over. it hurts like an icicle being driven straight through your heart, and it stings like one, too.
satoru's texts are left on delivered for five whole minutes before you reply, and it's only with an "i'll come by tmrw". he likes the message less than a minute later, and you're left to wallow in your misery alone until you finally drift off to sleep.
the next morning, you open your phone to a notification alerting you that satoru’ll be live on stream in ten minutes. curiosity kills the cat, but in this case, maybe it’d be worth it to see what he tells his viewers about your breakup. after all, there’s no way he wouldn’t tell them—he always had something to say about you, and he’d probably rather tell them for sure rather than let them come up with ridiculous theories on their own.
so you hastily make a new account using some email account you haven’t touched since middle school, trying a couple different passwords until you remember the one that works. the website hits you with a hundred questions, asking you about your favorite games and who’d you like to subscribe to first. you choose satoru, albeit after a second of hesitation. two minutes later, sparklingzebra672 joins your ex-boyfriend’s stream. you wait a second, holding your breath as the live loads. a brief moment later, satoru’s painfully familiar face appears on your screen.
“hey guys,” satoru says, forcing a smile on his face. even from behind a screen, you swear you can feel his eyes on you. “how’s everyone today?” 
the already unstable smile on satoru’s face falls when he opens the comments and gets greeted with a flurry of where’s your girlfriend’s. had you been anyone else, you probably wouldn’t have noticed the way satoru’s eyes dulled ever so slightly or the way he curled into himself, but being the girl who once knew him best, you could tell.
“oh, she won’t be back on here for… a while,” satoru starts, dancing around the topic. he leans back against his chair and tilts his chin up, azure eyes focused on the ceiling. “we broke up.”
nothing could’ve prepared you for the way satoru’s comments explode. it’s almost like you can hear the shocked gasps coming from all fourteen—no, twenty thousand viewers as the words nobody thought would ever they’d hear from satoru are spoken.
suguru-geto: holy shit im so sorry 
toji-fushiguro: wait wtf r u kidding?? that's fuckin crazy
yuuji-itadori: omg i thought u guys were together forever :(
inumaki: chat is this real??
satoru shrugs, averting his eyes from the hundreds of comments pouring in, but you scroll through and read them all. everyone, even satoru’s haters, seems genuinely shocked. in fact, had this not been your own breakup, you would’ve been one of them, begging and pleading satoru for more details.
“yeah, we did,” satoru murmurs, eyebrows furrowing just enough for you to read his expression. now that you’re looking closer, you can see the subtle redness underneath his eyes—had he been crying too? and maybe you’re imagining it, but his hair seems a bit dishelved too. your ex-boyfriend shrugs, forcing his face back into his usual lighthearted expression, but it’s not fooling anyone.
satoru scowls at the new flood of comments asking him why you two broke up. some people are already hypothesizing—maybe it’s because you got jealous of his fame, or maybe he got sick of you. maybe you left him to go date some other streamer, or maybe—
“i’m actually gonna end the stream here, ‘cause i don’t really want to deal with all of this right now,” satoru says with a frown. his eyes are narrowed irritably as a couple users protest, still begging for more details. “you guys know that i’m a real person with my own life, right? fuck off.”
and just like that, the stream ends. you’re left with a blank screen and a message saying that satoru’s ended the live, so you shut your laptop. your stomach turns as you groan, just remembering that you have to go over to his place later to retrieve your things, and somehow, you’d have to pretend that you didn’t just stalk his stream to see if he’d say anything substantial about the breakup.
a couple minutes after the stream ends, your phone blows up—every mutual friend you and satoru have is messaging you about what he said, but you can’t bring yourself to open any of them. except for one.
suguru: r u ok?
you: yeah ig
suguru: do u want anything?
satoru’s best friend’s question catches you off-guard—there are a lot of things you want. you want this whole situation to go away. you want the world to disappear. and most of all, you want satoru back, without the online world attached.
but suguru can’t do any of those things, can he? so you leave him on read. 
somehow, you fall back asleep, tossing and turning in your bed without satoru’s steady arms to accompany you. a couple hours later, you wake up again, wincing from the dim sunlight that pours through your windows and directly into your eyes. it’s just past five, so you figure that you might as well go down to satoru’s house and get your things. better to do it now than drag it out for an uncertain amount of time.
the walk is shorter than you remember, but maybe it’s just the absence of music pouring into your ears that makes it seem that way. you watch the wilted autumn leaves flutter in the wind, falling down onto the sidewalk like pieces into place. once upon a time, you had walked these very streets with satoru—it’s a fond memory you remember only all too well.
when you finally step onto your ex’s doorstep, the door opens before you even have a chance to knock. and there he is—the boy who’d once been the love of your life. satoru looks down at you with an unreadable expression. “hey.”
you think you’ve seem this film before, and you didn’t like the ending.
satoru spares you from having to reply by opening the door wider and beckoning you inside. “i already put most of your stuff into a couple boxes, but i thought you’d wanna check on your own. just in case i forgot something.”
you nod and walk past him, not trusting your voice to be steady. this was harder than you expected—much harder. in fact, you’re practically on the verge of breaking down when you step into satoru’s room and look around and see just how different it looks without the touches of you everywhere.
the fortnite poster you’d given him as a joke for the second anniversary of his stream was gone from his wall, and so were the two mini succulents that used to sit on the corner of his desk. the white cat plushie that used to rest on his pillow was gone, too—probably stuffed somewhere in one of the boxes outside his bedroom door.
after nearly a minute of looking around, you decide that whatever satoru possibly could’ve missed wasn’t important enough for you to have to stick around any longer.
you turn and start to exit satoru’s room so fast that you nearly crash into him when he suddenly appears in the doorway. “shit, sorry about that,” you mumble, trying to walk around him. but of course, because the universe is actually praying on your downfall, you and satoru both walk the same way at the same time. you awkwardly try to go around each other, and eventually, the humiliation is over.
“so, you got everything?” satoru asks, walking beside you with his hands in his pockets. you nod, bending over to pick up one of the two boxes. it’s pretty heavy, but not unmanangable. you just don’t really seem to know if you’ll be able to carry both back home at once. 
“oh, uh, i’ll be right back,” you say tentatively. a flash of confusion appears in satoru’s eyes, so you clarify, “i’m gonna go grab my car. that’ll make it easier.”
satoru’s eyebrows furrow and he shakes his head. “no, it’s alright. your place isn’t far from here at all, i’ll just take the other and walk back with you.”
“no, really, it’s alright.”
“it’s the easiest option, ba—” satoru cuts himself off, stopping himself from calling you baby for the first time since you two had started dating. “sorry.”
“let’s just go.”
the walk back to your house is brutal. you walk side by side with satoru since the path is wide enough for you to do so, and you two just keep bumping into each other. had you still been dating, satoru probably would’ve dropped the box and scooped you up instead, kissing your cold face to warm it up. of course, that would’ve added five minutes to your walk, but it would’ve been better than the tense silence dividing you and satoru right now. 
the wind whistles around you, brushing at your skin and making you shiver with every gust—there’s nothing more you’d like than to go home, plop on your couch and cry while watching the titanic for the hundredth time. 
after what seems like three hundred awkward hours later, you and satoru finally make it to your house. “thanks,” you say quietly, setting down your box in front of the door. 
satoru places his next to yours and slips his hands back into his pockets. he nods and replies, “no problem,” but still doesn’t leave.
you cross your arms, and tilt your head, meeting his eyes hesitantly. “umm, do you need anything else?”
satoru coughs tensely and shrugs. “oh, uh, not really, just—” his eyes drift down to your top, and your face grows warm when you realize you’re still wearing his hoodie. 
“shit, my bad,” you mumble, internally cringing and resisting the urge to say every curse word you know. could this day really get any worse?
well, at least satoru looks equally as embarrassed. he shakes his head and gestures for you to keep it on. “it’s fine, it’s kinda cold anyways. keep it.” satoru hesitates, shuffling his feet before continuing, “if you want something… to remember me by.”
what you say next was done entirely against your will. “do you still love me?” you ask suddenly, not sure what otherworldly force prompted you to do so. you instantly regret it when satoru’s face goes even redder, and you can tell it’s not from the cold the way his blush spreads to his ears.
“i— uh, i mean—”
“answer me, satoru, i think i have a right to know.”
he looks away and mumbles something about needing to go back home, to feed his fish or something (he doesn’t have a fish), and you grab his hand just as he starts to turn away. “please, satoru, i need to know,” you breathe, squeezing his hand harder when he flinches. 
ten silent seconds tick by, but you still don’t let go. so satoru sighs, a soft white puff of air coming from his lips. “yeah.”
your heart breaks again.
“then why did you—”
“because i don’t know how to do this,” satoru says, blue eyes darting all over the place. “i love you, i really do, but i just can’t— i don’t like having thousands of people thinking that i’m only worth looking at if i’m with you, it’s annoying and it pisses me off and i don’t want to accidentally take it out on yo—”
you cut him off with a kiss, ignoring the way he yelps a little in surprise. but thankfully, he doesn’t push you away—instead, his arms instantly wrap around you and pull you closer into his warm, warm chest. satoru’s lips are a little dry, but still minty as ever from the peppermints he’s constantly munching on. he kisses you back like a man starved of affection, and when you two finally break apart, his eyes are just as hungry.
“you idiot,” you whisper, trailing your fingers through his hair as tears prick at the corner of your eyes. “you shoulda just talked to me about it first.”
“i know,” satoru mumbles, looking down bashfully. “‘m sorry.”
“you should be.” you pause, watching satoru’s lips curve into a pouty frown. “i’m sorry too,” you murmur, and he looks up, confused. “i should’ve seen this coming.”
satoru shakes his head and presses his lips to your forehead, lingering for a couple seconds before pulling back. “i missed you.”
“i was gone for less than a day, satoru.”
“oh, so you didn’t miss me?”
“i did,” you admit, exhaling a puff of air when satoru smiles smugly. “shut up, it’s not a competition!”
“yeah it is, but fine, you win,” satoru gives in with a dramatic sigh, reaching down and twining his fingers with yours. his hands, which are significantly bigger than yours, instantly warm you up. “but only ‘cause i don’t want you to break up with me next.”
“i hate you, y’know that?” you grumble, leaning into his side and letting satoru kiss the top of your head. he hums in agreement, reaching out and opening your front door. 
“i’m sure you do, baby. now c’mon, let’s get inside n’ warm up. i wanna make it up to you,” satoru says with a grin, bending over and scooping up both boxes. 
“oh, yeah? how do you plan to do that?” you challenge, going inside first and holding the door open for satoru. once he’s inside, you close the door and instantly get pinned against it by satoru, whose hands are already creeping underneath your clothes. “satoru, your hands are col—”
he cuts you off by pressing his equally cold lips to yours, smiling against your mouth as he tugs at your clothes. “i know, baby. but i’ll keep you nice n’ warm for the rest of the night, i promise!”
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papurgaatika · 19 days
Text
Nothing Fucks With My Baby
Pairing: Joel Miller x F! Reader
A/N: This got so out of hand so fast, but it is FINALLY here. This is for all my Joel girlies with crazy daddy issues, I see you and I get you. I really didn’t mean for the first half of this fic to be so angst-filled, but I think the smut is a good trade-off for it in the end. AS ALWAYS humongous shoutout to my beloved beta readers @joelsdagger and @carlynkurin yall kill me with your comments and I love yall so much. And yes the title is a Hozier lyric, I love that guy. Remember that TLOU is created by a zionist so please look at the resources at the end of this fic and in my bio on ways to donate and educate yourself!! Tags: daddy issues, minor misogyny, minor body shaming, angst, Joel wants to beat up reader’s dad, age gap, daddy kink, pillow humping, exhibitionism if you squint, oral (f receiving), Joel Miller’s filthy mouth, breeding kink, cumplay kinda, protective Joel, no outbreak AU, no use of Y/N Word Count: 5.3k
Visiting your parents with Joel for the first time brings up some bad memories. And lets you make a few good ones too.
(aka Joel hates your parents and fucks you in your childhood bedroom)
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Your fingers stilled over your phone, minor panic setting into your bones when you got a text from your mother asking you to come over for dinner with her and your father. Now you loved your parents and you think they loved you too, in whatever weird way they showed it, but your relationship with them was never amazing. They were overbearing when you lived with them, always expecting the most of you but never recognizing what you actually did, like you were never going to be enough in their eyes. You were a grown woman, a degree in hand, and jobs lined up, but with rent at an all-time high and entry-level positions barely paying enough, you had sucked it up for as long as you could and continued to live with them. The passive-aggressive remarks about their friends’ kids moving out and about your degree essentially being a waste barely mattered anymore, you kept your head down and didn't engage unless you really had to. Your daydreams of moving out and being independent dwindled a little with every snide comment your father made, but you were living rent-free so you didn't say anything. 
But then you met Joel, and Joel couldn’t see a single flaw in you, his perfect angel. You weren’t even planning on dating anyone, especially not someone this much older than you, but there was just something about him that drew you in. You could still remember the day you met him like yesterday. You had been driving home after taking a much-needed weekend to go see one of your friends from college and managed to run over a nail and saw your tire pressure going down. You had pulled over and contemplated calling your father, but the idea of him driving out to lecture you on being a better driver and why he thinks women shouldn't drive just gave you a headache. So, being the self-determined woman you were, you got out of your car, popped on a YouTube video on how to change a tire, and knelt next to your car. 
Granted, the video wasn’t helping you out much, and your headache was getting worse under the blistering Austin sun, and you felt the tears start to brim in your eyes as you rested your head against the door of your car. You were seconds away from sucking it up and calling your father when you heard a gentle, “Do you need any help, ma’am?” You’re not one to usually take help from men, especially not random men on the side of the road, but your head was pounding and your eyes were red, and something about his voice just put you at ease. So you sigh and nod, explaining how you really did try to change it, but it just wasn't working and he shoots you the prettiest smile you’ve ever seen in your life. “I’ve got it for ya don’t worry, it’s just a tire ‘ain't worth those tears.” 
You stand to the side as he kneels down to take a look at the damage before standing back up and grabbing the tools from your trunk. His arms were working on unscrewing the bolts of your (now useless) tire, and you couldn’t help but stare at them. His sleeves were pulled taut over his biceps and beads of sweat were rolling down his tanned skin. You watched as the fabric of his shirt clung to his belly and his gray-streaked hair grew damp from the heat, finding yourself unconsciously biting your lip when your eyes linger on the veins that strained under his arms. He lets out a soft grunt when he gets off the ground and turns to look at you. “I don't think it’ll be safe to drive on your spare sweetheart, let me call you a tow.” 
“Oh! No, it’s okay really,” your eyes go wide and your brows furrow as you try to figure out how much it would cost and who you would even call to come pick you up, but he’s already dialing a number into his phone and telling them they owe him a favor before hanging up and giving you another smile. “You really didn’t have to do that-” Your words falter because you realize you don’t know his name.
“Joel. And I couldn't let ya deal with it yourself, my mama raised me better than that.” You blush softly at his words, genuinely grateful to have met him. You let out a breath, your tears having subsided and your heart rate finally calming down before sitting back down on the ground, fully expecting Joel to walk back to his truck and head out, but are instead met with a frown when you look back over at him. “Can't just leave you here like this sweetheart,” he sighs looking down at you, “Let me take ya to the garage at least, just so I know you’re safe.” 
Quite honestly, you weren’t used to someone treating you with this much care and attentiveness, you weren’t sure what to do with it. But the worried look in his eyes and the warmth of his voice have you nodding, taking his hand and getting into his truck to go to the garage with him. You sit in surprisingly comfortable silence for the next few minutes until you decide to be bold and ask for his number “Well, just in case my tire pops again” Your words are matched with a small grin playing on your lips, and JoeL, well joel was a goner the moment you had said those words. 
You and Joel had moved relatively fast, only being together for about eight months before you were packing your stuff and moving in with him. He had heard all about your parents before then. He saw the tears that fell after a fight with them, heard the words they threw at you while you recounted to him, and he could never imagine treating someone, especially not someone as perfect as you, like that. He could recount how many times you would curl up into him, breathing in his scent to try and calm down while he ran a soothing hand over your back and told you it was going to be okay. So it was no surprise that he had a few choice words when you mentioned that your mother had asked you both to come over. “Dunno how civil I’ll manage to be, sweet girl” he groans into your shoulder, arm draped over your middle as y'all lay in bed. You giggle softly and tilt your head to the side so it’s leaning on top of his slightly. 
“Gonna have to be,” you catch his fingers in your own, running circles over the rough skin to soothe yourself. “I haven’t seen them since I moved out... I just want them to be okay with us I guess.” A sigh leaves your lips when you think about how displeased they used to be about anything that you ever did growing up, that displeasure skyrocketing when you started seeing Joel. 
You feel him still your fingers, taking your hand and wrapping it with his own, before shifting to look at you fully. “I can’t promise they’ll be okay, sweet girl, but just know I’m in it with you forever okay?” He brings your hand to his lips and presses a tender kiss to your knuckles and you feel your eyes start to water as you nod. “Now, we don’t need to think ‘bout it for a while, lets get some sleep yeah?” You curl into his side and mumble out a soft okay before letting yourself drift off, feeling the weight of his arm draped around you. 
The rest of the week passed with relative ease, you were busy with work and Joel had been doting over you more than usual to keep your mind off of things. Eventually, Friday rolls around and you find yourself in Joel’s truck fidgeting with the rings on your fingers, heart pounding in your chest. You’re staring out the window lost in the endless stream of anxiety that is your brain, until you feel Joel's hand, warm and heavy, running small circles on your knee. You let your hand rest on top of his, basking in the intimacy of it all before he pulls up to your old house. You can feel your breathing start to quicken, chewing on the inside of your lip, before looking over at him. “Wait, baby, can we go back, I can’t do this. I’m not ready,” your words were tumbling over each other, panic clear on your face. 
“Hey, hey, look at me angel. It’s gonna be okay. We can do this okay?” His hands are on your cheeks making you look at him, and you subconsciously lean into his touch. “I don’t like them any more than you do, but I’ll try to be on my best behavior, and if we go in and you wanna leave at any time, we’re outta here okay?” He breathes out a small sigh of relief when you nod, a small giggle leaving your lips at his words. You take one last steadying breath before throwing open the door of the truck, smoothing out your outfit, and letting the flowers you had picked up for your mother rest in your arms. 
You knock at the door and feel your nerves setting in again, but Joel's hand is holding yours and you feel like he’s pulling you back down to the ground again, keeping you steady. You’re both met with a loud laugh and are pulled in for a hug when your mother opens the door. “Oh! Sweetheart, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you! You certainly look like you’re eating well.” You did not miss those passive-aggressive comments at all, so you hand her the flowers with a tight-lipped smile, mumbling something about just having more time to make the food you enjoy, 
And being the attentive boyfriend that he is, Joel senses your discomfort immediately. He turns on his southern charm and throws one of those gorgeous smiles at your mother, complimenting her cooking and how good it smells in here. “If her cooking is any indicator, I’ll be asking for a to-go bag tonight.” Your mother just blushes and goes on about how her food isn’t that good but she hopes he likes it. You grin, watching the two of them interact helping your nerves dissipate slightly. Joel was always a charmer, that’s why you were drawn to him, he knew how to make you feel safe which was something you had seldom felt in this house. 
You’re sitting on one of the chairs, head leaning against his shoulder while he laughs at something your mother says. It finally feels like you can breathe like you don't have to put your guard up because Joel does it for you. And then suddenly it’s like the floor is being ripped out from under you as your father makes his way downstairs. It was like you were 16 again begging to get his approval for anything, waiting for the day someone would whisk you out of that house. You sit up straight and move your head from Joel’s shoulder and let your eyes dart to his, and he is visibly angry. Joel knows about your father, the fights and the screaming matches, the way you were so similar it made you sick, and he just could never understand how someone would ever treat their child that way.
Now your father isn’t necessarily short but Joel was looming over him, eyes burning daggers in his direction as you both stood up to greet him. Joel’s hand envelopes your fathers in a grip that looks like it could break a bone and you give your father a curt nod and however much of a smile you can muster up with a quiet “hi dad.” only to be met with a grunt like you weren’t even worth sparing a few words to say hello to before muttering and going to sit on the couch. “It's alright Joel… he’s just like that baby... let it go.” you manage to press a kiss to his cheek to let him know you’re alright, it wasn’t like you were expecting the world's warmest greeting anyway. 
Joel tries to let it go. He really tries for you. But it is so hard being nice to someone who hurt the person you love. So he brings up Sarah, not out of spite really, he just loves to talk about his girl. “Comes up to visit almost every month, jobs got her real busy though,” he says, taking a sip of beer, eyes focussed on your father across the table. “Couldn't go without seein’ her.” Joel’s face immediately brightens up when he talks about Sarah, the pride he feels for his girl sparkling behind his eyes. 
Your father is not a man who is good at hiding his emotions, anger, and resentment showing clearly on his face. “‘M sure it’s nice to have a daughter who amounts to somethin’,” you feel your blood go cold for a moment, tears stinging in your eyes as you duck your head down to look at your plate very carefully. Joel’s hand is immediately squeezing yours, bringing you back down to earth, back to him. You take a deep breath to respond, but before you even get the chance, Joel’s voice is hurdling at your father. 
“Sure is. You’d understand what it would feel like if ya made any effort to be in her life.” The silence in the room is eerie. You cannot remember a single time in your life when your father didn’t have something to say, something to hurl at you in a fit of anger, only to claim it never happened after the fact. You feel Joel squeeze your hand again as your father shoves a forkful of food into his mouth, not making eye contact with either of you. Your mother just looks between Joel and your father silently, apparently still unwilling to stand up for you. You press your eyes shut for a moment at the absurdity of it all; the absurdity of bringing Joel to meet your parents, of him trying to defend you, at the idea that you had truly believed that your parents would have changed. You knew better than to hope for things like that. 
The rest of the dinner passes in relative silence, save for a few questions your mother asks Joel about his work and a minor argument that ensues because Joel mentions his love for the UT Longhorns after your father brings up his love for the Aggies. You roll your eyes at Joel when he throws up the Hook ‘Em hands before you get up to wash the dishes, only stopping when Joel tugs at your wrist. You look down at where he’s sitting, eyebrows raised at you because you're well aware that washing the dishes is his job “Baby it’s okay, I'll just do them today”
Joel just shakes his head and pulls at your wrist again, essentially pulling you back into your chair. “Don’t think so angel, you know that’s my job,” you giggle with a small nod of your head before the both of you turn to look at your father who is scoffing from his seat. “‘S there a problem?” 
Your father rolls his eyes at Joel, clearly still upset about how dinner went. “Just think you should let the woman do the woman’s job, ain't yours to do.” Your father barks that out with such ease that Joel thinks he sees red for a second. He grew up helping his mamma around the house when he was younger and became even more fond of cooking and cleaning when Sarah was born, so it is safe to say that he doesn’t agree with the idea that housework is a “woman's job.”
You know how Joel feels about this but your father is getting irritated again and you’re not sure if you’ll be able to take another argument between them, so you’re trying to grab the plates from Joel again. But stubborn as he is, Joel does not let up, especially if it means letting your father think that he’s right. “I don’t think so, sweet girl. Ain’t the 1950’s anymore, if you’re too pussy to wash a dish wouldn’t consider you a real man.” Your mouth falls open slightly, and you try to bite back your smile when your father huffs and gets up from the table muttering something about not knowing a real man if it bit him in the ass. 
You finish helping your mother put leftovers in the fridge, save for a bag filled to the brim with leftovers for Joel, and catch a glimpse of Joel smirking happily to himself while the sink runs hot over his hands. You sneak behind him and press a kiss on his shoulder blade, letting your hands snake around his waist. “I’ll be honest baby, kinda hot watching you tell him off like that..” You hear him huff out a laugh before he shuts the water off and spins you around in his arms, pressing a kiss to your lips before letting his mouth drop to your neck. You giggle as he nips at your skin lightly, but push him off gently after a moment. “They’re gonna see you, Mr. Miller, gonna get me in trouble.”
“Is that so?” his hands are on your waist, prints from the water on your shirt. He grins down at you, eyes glinting with mischief. “let ‘em see baby, not their little girl anymore, all mine now.” He presses another kiss to your neck, finding the spot right above your pulse point and drawing a small mewl from between your lips, before standing up straight and letting go of your waist, a grin plastered to his face. 
“You’re an absolute menace, you know that?” You squint your eyes at him, poking a finger into his chest, eliciting a laugh to tumble from his mouth. You give him a small kiss again and find yourself smiling into it. “‘M ready to go home now baby,” you murmur against the plush of his lips, wanting to feel his hands on your body again. Joel simply nods and grabs your purse for you while you say an awkward goodbye to your parents. You take your purse from his hands and open the door only to be met with the sight of rain. You were used to how quickly Austin would flood when a storm hit, you had grown up with it, but you hadn’t checked the weather and this was certainly dampening your plans to go home. 
You turn around to face Joel, eyebrows furrowed and before either of you can say anything your mother is swooping in. “Well, now I cannot send you two out in this weather! I have your old room set up still, and Joel can take the guest room!” Your eyes lock with Joel's, taking in the look of shock on his face. You should have assumed that your parents would be weird about letting Joel stay in the same room as you, despite living with him, but you were still caught off guard. 
You say your goodnights and thank yous, your father’s grip on Joel’s hand dangerously tight, before showing Joel up to the guest room giggling about having to be apart for the night. “Dunno how I’ll be able to sleep without you angel,” he groans sitting down on the old guest bed. 
You roll your eyes and kiss the scar on his nose “Sure you’ll be okay for one night cowboy, I’ll see you in the morning, ‘kay?” He just scrunches up his nose in response and plants a few more kisses on your lips before letting you walk out to your room. You can hear him exaggerate a sigh as you close the door and walk back to your old bedroom. You grin to yourself before walking into your room, taking in the sight of what used to be yours. Your hands skim over your dresser, the drawers mostly empty from when you packed in haste to move in with Joel, dried petals from the last bouquet of flowers he had gotten you still sitting in a small jewelry box. Pink sheets, pink pillows, and at least five stuffed animals still sit in their perfect setting on your bed, and a pang of guilt for leaving them bubbles up inside of you. You sigh and pull out an old shirt from the drawer and slip into it, foregoing pants and just staying in your panties. 
You spread out on the bed making futile attempts to fall asleep. It wasn’t like you needed Joel to be next to you, but you missed his hand draped around your waist and the way his body was a literal furnace to the point where you had to take the blankets off. Your mind cannot stop thinking about him. The way his hand was on the small of your back when you came into the house, the way he stood up for you when your father was speaking, the taste of his lips when he pulled you in for one last kiss before you left his room. You let your fingers trail down your body, sneaking into your panties and letting out a shaky sigh when you feel the slick pooling between your legs, eyes falling shut for a moment before situating a pillow between your legs. You press your face softly into one of the stuffed animals Joel had given you, the smell of him just barely lingering in it, and start to grind your hips down on the pillow. Your breath hitches when you feel the pressure on your clit through your panties, moans muffled by the bunny as you grind your hips down chasing your pleasure. Your eyes are still shut imagining Joel, lost in your pleasure until you hear a low whistle behind you, making your head whip around, your heart pounding a mile a minute. 
And there he is. Joel is leaning against your door, when he got in is beyond you, his eyes are hungry and locked in on you, eyebrows raising when you stop to turn around. “Why’re you stopping, baby? Go on, put on a show for me.” Your mouth opens to answer, but he’s cutting you off with a small tsk and a shake of his head “Nuh-uh. Don't get shy on me now, sweet thing, keep going.” His voice leaves no room for discussion, and his hands are on your waist pulling you flush with the pillow again. You whine when his hands leave your body, and try to turn around to grab at him. He pins your hips back down to the pillow, a low noise leaving his throat. “Like you were before, wanna see what you used to do when you miss me” 
A whimper leaves your mouth and you lay your head back down on the bed, pussy grinding on the pillow again. You move your hips back and forth, breathing becoming heavier as you angle your hips a bit higher and you bite back a whine as you clench around nothing “Joel please-” you plead, looking up at him over your shoulder with wide eyes,  “want you to touch me,” A small shudder movies through your body as you whine at him again. 
He just shakes his head at you, eyes not leaving your clothed cunt, “Not yet baby.” He brings his hands back to your waist and traces small circles into the skin just above your panties. 
  “but-” You keep grinding but throw a pout at him trying to get his decision to sway. 
He swats at your ass, not hard enough to leave a mark but enough to be a good warning “You arguing with me baby?” His eyebrows are raised, the look in his eyes not one that wants to deal with a brat tonight. 
You shake your head with a pitiful no sir and keep grinding on the pillow, your panties fully drenched by now. You feel your hips start to stutter as your climax catches up with you, a sheen of sweat covering your body. Your stomach is clenching and your breaths are ragged, “Joel- fuck gonna cum, oh god- fuck-” You babble at him, words muffled, legs trembling lightly, and eyes falling shut as you’re hit with your orgasm, face falling into the stuffed bunny again. 
You try to steady your breaths after coming down from your high, eyes still closed until you feel his hands sneak around your waist and under your shirt, grabbing your tits softly. “Fuck, you’re such a filthy girl, probably did this all the time when you thought about me? Desperate fucking thing.” You groan into his touch, and arch your back into him when he pulls you flush against his chest. He grabs at the hem of your shirt, before pulling it off and tossing it to one of the corners of the room, fingers playing with your sensitive nipples. You let out a squeak when he tugs at them before he lets go and presses his hand over your mouth. “Quiet. Gonna wake up your parents, or is that what you want, hmm?” His hand dips into your panties, rough fingers swirling over your clit “wanna get caught in the room you grew up in?” 
A whine leaves your mouth, muffled behind his hand, as you try to grind into his fingers. He brings his hand back to your nipple, flicking at the nub and making you jump. “Joel please- need it” You plead as he circles your clit. 
Joel pauses, drawing a pathetic whimper to leave your lips. “Came already and want another one? Greedy fucking thing” You nod at his words before yelping when he throws you down onto the bed and pulls you down to the edge of the bed by your ankles. He throws your legs over his shoulders and you buck your hips into the air, trying to catch his touch. He rests his head on the plush of your thigh, eyes on yours, waiting for you to ask for what you want. 
Your eyes are pleading with his, hoping that you can get out of having to beg by batting your lashes at him. “I’ll be so good for you, please.” your lip trembles a bit, hips still moving in the air, trying to get into his mouth. He relents and his lips press against your thighs, his stubble scratching at it gently, before pressing a kiss to your clit, making you jump softly. “Fuckk thank you.” Your head falls back as his tongue sweeps over your weeping cunt, his arm pinning your hips down to keep you from bucking into his face. 
His tongue dips into your slit, making your back arch off the bed as your hands fist in his hair. His lips wrap around your clit, and your hand clamps over your mouth to stop the obscene noises you were making from leaving it. His fingers tease your entrance before slipping into you and thrusting in and out at the same pace he was flicking his tongue. You feel your thighs start to tremble and clench around his head, your grip on his hair growing tighter as you feel your second orgasm hit you, red hot in the bottom of your spine, and up to the tingling in your fingers. Joel’s pace does not slow down as he coaxes you through it, hitting all the right spots. “Fuck look at her baby.” He says pulling his fingers out of you and spreading your slick over your pussy. “Fucking weeping for me. I’ll give her what she needs don't worry” 
His fingers press against your lips, and you let them into your mouth, tasting yourself off of him and groaning at the taste. He drags his spit-covered fingers down your chest, relishing in the fucked out look on your face. He takes off his jeans letting his cock spring free, dumb bastard going commando at your parents' house, and spits into his hand before fisting his cock in your line of sight. You whine at him, pouting your lips at him, cunt dripping down your thighs onto your bed. He chuckles at you and brings his hands to your waist, before slipping his cock into you, a hiss leaving your lips at the stretch. “Look at that sweet girl, taking me so well.” He moves so his cock is buried to the hilt in your cunt, the coarse hair that surrounds him pressing into your pelvis. 
You try to rock against him, to gain any friction. “Joel please move... please I want it” You plead with him, hands moving to wrap around his wrist. “Gonna be so good for you Daddy, please” And that does him in. He lets out a groan and thrusts into you with enough force to move your headboard. His cock is hitting you in just the right spot, filling you up almost too much. 
You feel yourself clench around him as his hand tightens around your waist, one of your legs wrapped around his back, pulling him in deeper. “Gonna fill you up so good angel,” he says as your pussy clenches around him like it was begging for his cum. “Make you all mine, show everyone who you belong to,” his thrusts are growing messier, and you can feel another orgasm building in the pit of your stomach, and it’s almost too much. Your toes curl and you meet his thrusts as you let out a pathetic slew of pleasepleasepleaseplease before you feel him cumming inside you with a soft pant of your name. You feel him pull out of you slowly, his cock replaced with his fingers. “Said I was gonna make you mine, gotta make sure it takes.” His fingers collect the cum that leaks out of you in the most obscene way and pushes it back into you, as a shaky breath leaves your lips at the depravity of his words. 
“Fuck thank you, baby,” You manage to get out after what feels like an eternity of recovering from your orgasm. Joel shoots you a sleepy grin, before wrapping his clean hand around yours and laying his head down on your chest, looking up at you with love in his eyes. 
“I should be thanking you, sweet girl. Did so fucking good for me” You grin and look down at him with sleepy eyes and run a hand through his hair. 
“You know you gotta get back to the guest room right?” You ponder, realizing the situation that you were in. The idea of your mother waking up to find you naked and stuffed full of Joel’s cum was horrifying. 
Joel just grins back up at you, pressing a kiss to the underside of your breast before pushing himself up off your bed and peeking at the window. “Dunno baby.. Rain stopped a while ago, I'm ready to just get outta here.” He raises his eyebrows at you, sliding back into his jeans as you drop your arm over your face with a dopey smile playing across your lips. 
“So long as you carry me to the truck, I'm game, baby” You bite your lip and smile up at him as he tosses your dress at you before he scoops you up and tromps down the stairs quietly and puts you into the passenger seat before getting in and pulling out of the driveway. “Thank you for being there tonight baby.. I love you.”
Joel just smiles at you, half asleep in his passenger’s seat, and runs a hand over your knee before grabbing your hand and pressing a kiss to it. “Love you too angel. Don’t plan on ever making you come up here again though” You just giggle and lace your fingers through his, extremely content to just spend the rest of your days with Joel, not worried about your parents.
A/N: From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free READ: This account stands with Palestine unequivocally, and so— I require everyone who interacts to educate themselves, and support/donate. READ THESE; 1, HELP HERE, BOYCOTT. silence is complicity, do not scroll past this. DO NOT BUY THE REMASTER, TLOU2, TLOU1, OR ANY GAME FROM NAUGHTY DOG! neil druckmann (the creator) is a zionist. PLEASE READ THIS. AND REBLOG THIS.  Thank you for reading, and free Palestine
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aperrywilliams · 8 months
Text
Little Big Secret (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)
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(Not my gif. Credits to the creator)
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Author Masterlist
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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader.
Summary: You’re 36 weeks pregnant with Spencer’s baby. What happens when you are about to give birth and need to contact Spencer while he is in a case out of town?
Word Count: 3.3k
Warnings: Pregnancy and labor symptoms are described. Some strong words. If I missed something, let me know. It's a fluffy one. Dad!Spencer coming to light. The chaotic trio I love having their moment (Reid-Morgan-Prentiss).
A/N: I wrote this fic based on this request. I loved doing it! Let me know what you think.
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Being 36 weeks pregnant and stuck in your apartment trying to convince your non-born baby girl to stop kicking your guts is not funny. It's worse when the same scenario occurs at 3 am, and you are alone, unable to sleep in the last 24 hours, exhausted and sentimental because your boyfriend Spencer isn't home.
You won't tell him that, though. You convinced him to go with the team to Trenton for a case, telling him you would be okay and that baby girl Reid won't be here for at least two weeks. That's what your doctor said to you in the last appointment.
Reluctantly Spencer agreed, making you swear you would call him or your sister if anything happened.
"Relax, baby. Everything will be okay. We'll be here when you return from your case," you assured him. "You have to go while you can. Once this girl is born, you'll be stuck here and will get tired of us," you giggled. Spencer's eyes widened.
"What? No! Get tired of you? Never!"
"About that. Do they know why you are taking leave in the next weeks?"
"Not really. Hotch knows, but the rest assume I'll go to see my mom," your boyfriend shrugged.
You still find it unbelievable that the best-known profilers in the country haven't noticed one of their own has a girlfriend for three years and a baby on the way.
At first, you had your apprehensions about why Spencer didn't want his team to know your existence. You thought maybe Spencer felt embarrassed because of you or didn't consider your relationship worth enough for them to know. But your boyfriend assured you it was anything but that. He told you what happened to Haley, Hotch's wife, and the multiple times a team's family member has been exposed to danger because of their job. He wanted you safe. He wanted to protect you.
The only one who knew about you was Hotch, Spencer's boss. But he, better than anyone, could understand Spencer's reasons, so he hadn't said anything.
You understood it and accepted it, even if you both knew that at some point, your secret would not be a secret anymore. For now, it was safer like this.
Exhaustion was all you got now, and even you have been trying to bribe your unborn daughter with chocolates if she behaved and let you sleep. It seemed you succeeded as she stopped making a party in your womb.
You fall asleep thinking about how your life has changed in the past years and how happy you were despite how uncomfortable pregnancy was at this point.
The next morning you woke up feeling a little better. Sleep helped, but your body was still tense, so you thought a warm bath after breakfast was a good idea to relax your sore muscles.
You were finishing your pancakes when Spencer called you.
"Hey, baby!" You greeted.
"Good morning, my love. How did you sleep?"
You didn't have the heart to tell him how uncomfortable you were last night.
"Good. Everything is good here. How is the case?" You tried to direct the topic to him. Spencer sighed.
"I think we are close to catching the unsub, but it had been hard," he confessed.
"I know you'll get him soon," you assured him. Spencer chuckled. He loved how you were always rooting for him. You were his biggest fan.
"I hope so. And you? Our baby girl has been good? When I come back-" he didn't even finish the sentence when someone called his name in the distance. 'Reid! We need you now!'
A heavy sigh left Spencer's lips.
"I'm sorry, love. I got to go," he mumbled into the receiver, guilt dripping from his voice.
"Hey, it's okay. Don't apologize and go to catch the bad guy," you encouraged him.
"I will. I love you so so much. And I love our little one. I promise to make it up to you both, okay?"
"I love you more. We'll be waiting for you."
Despite your efforts to relax during your bath, it seemed baby Reid had other plans, like moving and squeezing your insides. You tried singing to her, telling stories, and everything that came to mind.
You gave up and hopped off the tub. You dried your body and decided to watch some TV. After a while, stuck in a random show, the noise lulled you to sleep without noticing.
Everything would have been perfect if it weren't for the fact that an intense pain woke you up suddenly. You didn't know the time, but the TV was still on. You tried to sit on the sofa, but the pain wouldn't leave you, so much so that it was hard for you to breathe. The twisting in your belly was stronger than you'd ever felt and scaring you.
"My sweet girl, I know you're eager to see us, but you have some days left in Mommy's womb, so try to be nice, okay?" You panted, trying to reason with your baby.
You weren't ready to give birth, let alone without Spencer.
But, again, baby Reid had her own plans.
Another sharp pang made you slouch on the sofa; this time, you felt something warm running down your legs. You looked down and saw the liquid drip onto the couch and slide to the floor.
Fuck. Your water just broke.
-
The morning was a rush for the whole team and the Tremont police. After an anonymous tip, they located the guy who fitted the profile and ended up being the unsub they were looking for. As he had a hostage, the team moved quickly to the warehouse where he kept captive his ex-girlfriend, the source of his rage. Before things went further, Rossi's shot ended with the unsub screaming in pain and the hostage a nervous wreck but unharmed.
Spencer couldn't believe it took them a whole week to locate the bastard, but it was finally done. So they returned to the precinct to wrap the last details and go home.
Spencer was pulling the case photos off the board when his phone started ringing. He saw it was you and hastened to answer. Usually, you didn't call him while he was working.
"Hello?"
But a loud grunt came to his ear instead of your sweet voice. Spencer's eyes widened.
“(Y/N)? Is that you?"
You barely could say a word, the intense pain reducing you to heavy breathing and whimpers.
"Spence-" you managed to say. "The baby. It hurts."
It didn't take a genius to figure out what was happening."Where are you? What's wrong? Where is Tania?"
Too many questions, and you had answers for all of them. But it was difficult to say a word with the pain cursing your body. After the contraction subsided, you could speak.
"My water broke. I'm home, and Tania doesn't answer. I don't know- ahhhh, fuck!!!"
Shit. You were in labor and alone at home. Spencer wanted to throw up.
"Baby, listen to me. I will call 911, but I need you to breathe, okay?"
"No! Spencer, don't hang up. I need you," you cried.
Spencer paced frantically in the room as Emily, Morgan, and Rossi looked at him, worried.
To call 911? Who the hell was he talking to?
"Reid? What is it?" Morgan tried to get his attention, but Spencer's brain was trying to make a plan to help you without stopping talking to you.
“(Y/N), please. I need you to breathe. Can you do that for me, please?"
JJ and Hotch entered the room at that moment. Both frowned when they saw Spencer pacing and the rest standing and waiting to know what was going on and what to do to help Spencer.
“(Y/N)? Can you hear me?"
You couldn't reply to him, crying in pain instead. Spencer thought he could die of panic.
"Yes. But I can't move," you sobbed.
Hotch didn't need much to understand what was going on. Grabbing his phone, he called Penelope.
Spencer was reduced to dumb and didn't know what to do.
"Garcia, I need you to call 911 and dispatch an ambulance to..." he paused and looked at Spencer, who was talking to you. "Reid," Hotch named. When he got no response, he tried louder. "Reid! Where? Where is she?" Spencer's face found Hotch's.
"At my place," he told his boss.
"Garcia, an ambulance to Reid's address. Report a pregnant woman in labor that needs to go to the hospital. I need you to go there too. Make sure she gets to the hospital alright. I'll give you more information later."
Pregnant woman in labor at Spencer's address?
Morgan, Prentiss, JJ, and Rossi shared the same confused looks.
"Baby, the help is on the way. Penelope knows and will help you to go to the hospital. She has a key, so don't worry. I'm on my way, okay? I'll call Tania too," Spencer informed you, moving to collect his things.
"Please, hurry up," you begged. As the call ended, Spencer turned to see his boss.
"Hotch. I have to-. I need to-," Spencer stuttered. Aaron nodded.
"It'll be okay; we are leaving now," he assured Spencer.
Morgan was the first to bring the elephant in the room.
"Can you tell us what's going on?"
Then, Spencer noticed the team hearing the whole ordeal.
"Uh. My 36-week pregnant girlfriend is giving birth to my daughter right now, and she's alone. I need to be there," Spencer succinctly explained as he dialed (Y/N)'s sister's number again without luck.
To say the team was shocked was an understatement. But there wasn't time to ask questions. They needed to move quickly.
Hotch was who took the lead.
"Morgan, you'll drive to the hospital with Reid and Prentiss now. I'll stay with JJ and Rossi to pack everything and follow you. The drive to DC is about three hours; make it two. I'll take care of the traffic police," he said to Morgan, who nodded, grabbing the car keys. "Prentiss, you'll get an open line with Garcia while she joins (Y/N) and takes her to the hospital. Now go!" Hotch instructed, now patting Spencer's back. "You'll get on time. Go," he told Spencer, who nodded and stomped from the room, followed by Morgan and Prentiss.
-
"Hey, Reid. We'll make it, kid," Morgan assured while driving on the highway, Emily as the copilot. In the back seat, Spencer couldn't stop bouncing his leg, worried about if the ambulance had already taken you to the hospital. On cue, Emily's phone went off.
"Garcia, you're on speaker," Emily announced.
"My lovelies, good news. I got your girl, boy Wonder, and we're heading to the hospital. Besides the pain, she's fine," Garcia recounted, and Spencer could breathe again.
"Can I talk to her?" Spencer asked.
"No, yet; they have her in the stretcher and with oxygen while monitoring her, but as we reach the hospital and will get her admitted, we can call you again. Nonetheless, she asked me to tell you she hated you for putting a baby in her. I really like this girl already," Garcia quipped, making laugh Emily and Morgan. Spencer's cheeks flushed.
"Garcia?" He sheepishly asked. "Can you tell her I love her and am on my way?"
Morgan and Prentiss looked at each other briefly. They still couldn't believe what was happening, but either way, they had a mission to accomplish: get to the hospital before you gave birth, so the resident genius could see his baby born.
"Sure thing. I will. I'll keep you posted," Garcia assured before hanging up.
Spencer could sense that Emily and Morgan were itching to cover him with questions, but knowing his nervous state, they were respectful enough not to say anything.
"I'm sorry, guys. I didn't tell you anything about (Y/N) before," he mumbled.
"And the baby," Emily added with a non-malice tone.
Spencer's face fell with embarrassment. They were his family, after all. And he kept this little big secret from them.
"But we get it, Reid. We do," Morgan ensured.
"Yeah?"
"Yes. We all know this job, and we want the best for our loved ones, keeping them safe," Prentiss said, turning to see Spencer, who nodded. "What I still can't believe is that you kept us in the dark for three years, and none of us ever suspected a thing. They should fire us," Emily added, making Spencer chuckle.
"What I can't believe is you were able to make someone fall in love with you," Morgan quipped, smirking and gaining a slap on the arm from Prentiss. "And get her pregnant! You have been having a game all this time, and I still thought I needed to be your wingman," Morgan scoffed.
"Worst wingman on earth. He had had to do all the work for himself," Emily added. The three laughed.
They were still with an ETA of one hour when Penelope Facetimed.
"Garcia! How is she?" Spencer rushed to ask.
"Hello to you, genius," Penelope greeted. "(Y/N) is already in a room. She's 7 centimeters of dilatation, so we're waiting," she informed, turning the camera to focus you on the bed, exhausted but relieved of being in the hospital already.
"Honey!" Spencer shouted as Garcia handed the phone.
"Are you coming?" you asked in a broken tone. You didn't have much energy at this point.
"Yes! On my way now. Morgan is driving us with Emily," he informed you.
"We're almost there, pretty girl!" Morgan yelled from the driver's seat.
You let a wary smile. Spencer only wanted to be there with you so he could hold you.
"I'm sorry," you mumbled.
"No. No. Why are you sorry? You have nothing to apologize for, okay?" Spencer hastened to point.
"Our little big secret is no longer a secret," you pouted, feeling guilty about the whole ordeal.
"Baby, it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is you and our little girl being okay. Believe me; it's the only that matters to me. I'm sorry for leaving you," Spencer sniffled.
"I love you," you said, tears streaming down your cheeks.
"And I love you so much," Spencer declared, wiping his tears.
You both kept in Facetime for a while. Spencer tried to keep you focused on anything but the pain, though it was difficult when a deep contraction raked your body from time to time.
Spencer recited your favorite poems and stories and recounted your best memories together. As a natural thing, Emily, Morgan, or Penelope made questions and comments about the things you or Spencer said. That helped. You felt accompanied, not only by your boyfriend but also by the beautiful people who were taking care of you and him. If you ever thought Spencer's coworkers didn't care about him, now all those doubts are cleared.
"We're getting there in five!" Morgan announced.
"Garcia, please tell the staff Spencer is coming so they let him rush upstairs," Emily requested.
"On it!" Garcia chirped. “The doctor is here, so I’ll hang up. Boy Wonder, the third floor, hall to the left,” she informed before the call ended.
Pushing the brakes in front of the hospital’s entrance, Morgan turned to Spencer.
"Go, pretty boy. We'll be there waiting," the man assured.
"Go to see your girls," Emily added. Spencer’s eyes were full of tears.
"Thank you. Really, thank you so much," he voiced before climbing off the SUV and rushing inside the hospital.
-
The doctor announced you were almost ready to give birth now. Just another centimeter of dilation, and you’ll need to push. After he left, you squeezed Penelope’s hand hard. You weren't sure you could do this.
“It’s okay, pumpkin. You can do it. Spencer is already here,” she comforted you. Garcia had just ended her sentence when Spencer rushed inside the room, panting and looking frantically. When he spotted you, you could see the tears in his eyes.
“Spencer!” you cried. He quickly lugged to your side. Garcia sighed, relieved that he was there. Spencer held your hand now, kissing your temple.
“I’m here, my love. I’m here. I won’t leave again,” he chanted, stroking your damped hair.
It was Penelope’s cue to leave the couple alone. But before Garcia crossed the threshold, Spencer ran to her and wrapped her in the tightest embrace he ever gave her.
“Thank you, thank you. For everything,” he mumbled. Garcia could have started crying, but it would be time for that later.
“Anytime, my love. Now go back to your woman. We’ll be outside waiting.” A grateful Spencer nodded before joining you again.
You didn't reach the last centimeter until an hour later. Spencer stood by your side, chanting praises and pushing away your sweat with a cloth whenever you needed it.
When the time came, you were pushing with all the strength you left, but your little girl wasn’t doing it easy for you.
“Spencer, I can’t,” you sobbed. Spencer kissed your head and stroked your hand.
“I know you’re exhausted, my love. But you’re almost there. We’re going to meet our little girl. Want that, right, my little pumpkin?” he talked now to your belly. The waiting room is full of aunts and uncles, ready to see you. They already love you, even if they didn't know about you until three hours ago,” Spencer pointed, and you let out a little chuckle in the middle of the pain.
The feeling of being cared for and loved gave you the last ounce of energy you needed. In the next contraction, you pushed harder, ending with a loud baby cry. Your daughter was here.
When they put her in your arms, wrapped in a white blanket, you couldn't believe it. She was the most beautiful baby in the world—the best combination between Spencer and you.
“You did so good, my love. She’s wonderful, and she’s here with us,” Spencer said, voice full of emotion and tears freely rolling down his cheeks.
You couldn’t stop looking at her.
“Our little big secret,” you cooed. “You’re a lucky baby already,” you whispered to her. Spencer chuckled.
“Should I go to tell them?” He asked you.
“They will kill you if you don’t,” you quipped.
When Spencer showed up in the waiting room, Hotch, Rossi, and JJ were there too.
All eyes were on him.
“A 7 pounds, 2 ounces, and 19.6 inches healthy baby girl,” Spencer announced, the biggest grin plastered on his face.
The room erupted in cheers and claps, everyone taking turns to hug the new father.
Once everyone calmed down, Spencer cleared his throat.
“I want to apologize for keeping this from you. I don't want you to think I don't trust or care enough to tell you about the important things in my life. It's just- you know,” Spencer trailed off. Rossi patted his shoulder.
“We know, kid. We really do,” the older man assured him.
“Yeah, Spence. We understand. That doesn't mean it’s not a big thing, but we get it,” JJ seconded.
“We are just jealous because Hotch was the only one who knew,” Garcia scoffed.
“Boss privilege, I guess,” Hotch shrugged, making the rest laugh.
“Well, being (Y/N) and baby Reid not a little big secret anymore, we can meet them properly, right?” Morgan pointed.
“Oh, yes! Please! I want to meet my goddaughter!” Garcia chirped, and Spencer looked at her, frowning.
“Don’t look at me like that, doctor. I won the privilege when I held that poor woman in pain,” she added.
“Maybe you’ll be the godmother, but I’ll be the cool aunt,” Emily chirped.
“And I’ll be Papa Rossi,” David seconded.
Spencer shook his head, laughing as everyone on the team fought for a place in his daughter's life.
He was so happy to have you and baby Reid. But now his happiness was complete knowing he could share it, and his whole found family could be part of it.
-------
Spencer Reid's Taglist: @dreatine​ @nomajdetective @jayyeahthatsme @rosalinasam2 @averyhotchner @tvandfanfic @lovelyxtom @princessmiaelicia @pastelbabygirl19 @reidsbookclub @alexxavicry @gspenc @spencerreidisbae123 @calmspencer @pauline5525mgg @disaster-in-waiting @anamiad00msday @milivanili99 @laylasbunbunny @leahblackk @miaxx03 @missabsey @taintedstranger
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happy74827 · 5 months
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hey pookieeee, how about mike and reader are like new to dating and mike just got his job at freddy’s fazbears pizzeria as night guard. and he has trouble paying the bills and stuff and taking care for abby. and reader is like lemme help you. and mikes like no i got it. just rlly angsty to fluff? if you get what i mean? thanks xo
Resolute Hearts
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[Mike Schmidt x Female!Reader]
Synopsis: All you wanted to do was to save him from drowning.
WC: 2883
Category: Angst to Fluff, Happy Ending
I absolutely adored this request. I hope you were serious about the angst, because it is there and it is heavy 🫠
『••✎••』
Tears…that's all you could feel. You felt them running down your cheeks, and you could feel your lips trembling as you sat on the tile floor, hugging your knees to your chest. The surrounding air was thick, a suffocating feeling. It was hard to breathe. Your head felt light, and your vision was a blur. You took in deep, shaky breaths, trying to hold back the sobs you desperately wanted to let out.
You never thought you would feel this way. It was like everything you had worked for your entire life had fallen through. It was like nothing meant anything to you anymore. Your life, your family, your friends. They didn't mean anything to you. You didn't care about them. You were alone, and the only person you cared about didn't seem to care about you back.
The apartment was dark and quiet. You sat in the bathroom, the door locked, the lights off, the fan running to block the sound of your tears. Your roommate had left hours before, saying she had an early morning class. You didn't know why they even had classes so early in the morning.
It felt like decades had gone by since you sat there on the bathroom floor. The bathroom tiles were cold and uncomfortable. You were cold and uncomfortable. You didn't feel like yourself. You weren't the type to get so worked up about anything. You weren't the type to sit on a bathroom floor and cry over things you couldn't fix. You were the type to keep your head held high. To smile through everything, even if the situation was tough. To be the rock for your friends to lean on.
But, you felt alone. You felt so alone.
Michael, Mike. Michael was the one who made you feel alone. You loved him. God, you loved him more than anything. You loved him so much. You loved how caring he was. How sweet he could be. How considerate he was. You loved every inch of him and every inch of what he did for you. He was so considerate of your feelings; he never pushed you to do things you weren't ready for. So, why did his words hurt you so much? Why did his actions make you feel so small and worthless?
Why?
It had only been a few months since you started dating, and everything seemed to be perfect. He was charming, sweet, and an all-around amazing guy. You were so happy with him. He was everything you wanted in a boyfriend, and you were over the moon with how everything was going. He even seemed to care for you; at least, that's what you thought.
He had been distant for the past few weeks. You found yourself seeing Abby more often than you did Mike. You would wake up, and he wouldn't be there, only to find him passed out on the couch or working on a late project in the kitchen.
He said he was fine, but you knew he wasn't. You could tell he wasn't okay. You knew something was bothering him, but he never opened up to you about what it was. You thought about telling him it was okay. That he could talk to you about anything, he didn't need to keep it bottled up. He didn't need to worry you like that.
You did eventually open your mouth to say something about how he was feeling, but before you could even get the words out, he shut you down. He said he was fine that you were overreacting. That you needed to worry about yourself more and stop thinking about his feelings all the time. You just needed to trust him.
You believed him. You foolishly believed him until it all came crashing down. During one of your many late nights babysitting Abby for him, you accidentally stumbled upon papers that he left on the coffee table. One of which was a delinquency notice dated back to last week. He was behind on rent and had a couple of other bills that were due soon. You didn't want to add to his stress, so you figured it wouldn't hurt to try and help him with those.
Apparently, it did hurt. It hurt enough to make him snap at you when you decided to approach him the night before about it. Abby was tucked into bed in her room for the night, so you decided it would be a good opportunity to talk to him just as he was about to leave. How stupid you were. How naive. You didn't know what he was going to say, but you had no idea he was going to get so angry. So angry, in fact, that it ended up waking Abby up.
You felt your stomach churn at the memory of his voice getting louder, your name getting harsher, the tone of his words getting angrier.
"I said I can take care of myself, just like I've always done." He was livid, his face red with anger. He was trying to keep his cool, but it seemed that it was just too much for him. "Why do you have to get involved? Just butt out, alright?"
"I just want to help, Mike. You shouldn't have to pay for everything on your own. I just want to be there for you, like you are for me," you said, reaching out for his hands, but he pulled away from you.
"I don't need you to take care of me. I can handle this on my own. I've been doing this on my own for a long time," he told you, crossing his arms over his chest. He didn't want to be touched, you could tell.
"You're right," you admitted. "You're an adult; you've been taking care of yourself for a long time, and I shouldn't try to change that. But I'm here, okay? I'm here for you and for Abby. And I'm not trying to take care of you; I'm just trying to help you. Just let me help you."
"What the hell do you think this is?!" Mike practically screamed at you. "You think this is easy?! You think I don't want to get out of debt, huh? Do you think I like being in debt? I don't! But it's my fault, and it's my job to take care of it!"
"Mike, calm down! Abby is sleeping in the next—" You tried to reason with him, but he didn't want to hear any of it. He was too mad. He was too angry. He turned and grabbed his car keys, turning back to look at you, the hurt and anger evident in his eyes.
"Abby isn't your concern; she's my responsibility. She's my sister, not yours. You're just—" Mike stopped himself, not wanting to say the next thing that came to his head. But you were right there, in front of him, looking up at him with eyes full of hurt. You were so close, so close he could see the tears glistening in your eyes.
“I'm just… what, Mike?" You asked him, your voice hitching. The tears that you had been holding back began to fall. You were at a breaking point; you didn't know how to feel anymore. You didn't know what you were feeling. All you knew was that your boyfriend just screamed at you and hurt you with his words.
You felt a hand on your shoulder and looked over your shoulder to see Abby standing there. She looked up at her brother with wide eyes and a confused expression. She looked from Mike to you, then to her hand that was on your shoulder. You felt numb. You couldn't believe what was happening.
"Abby…" Mike took a deep breath. "Abby, go back to bed, okay? I'll be back soon." He gave her a soft smile. The one he always gave you when you needed it. She looked up at him, giving him the same sad look she was giving you. She rubbed her eyes and walked back into her room, closing the door behind her. Mike turned his attention back to you, but he didn't say anything. He looked like he had more to say, but the words just didn't come out.
And that was the last time you saw him.
You spent the next couple of hours curled up on the floor, crying until you couldn't cry anymore. You tried to sleep in the own comfort of your bed, but every time you closed your eyes, you would see his face. His angry face. The face he made at you the last time you spoke. The face he made when he screamed at you. You hated it. You hated everything about it.
It was around six in the morning when you decided to finally leave your room. It was cold outside, but you didn't care. You needed some fresh air. You needed to get out of there for a little bit. You needed to get away from the suffocating apartment, the suffocating situation. You needed to get away from everything that reminded you of Mike. You walked down the hall to the patio, and you were almost to it when you heard the faint knock on the door.
You stood at the entrance to the living room, listening to the faint knocks. It was the first time in hours that you heard a sound other than your own voice. Your eyes were glued to the door, your hands in fists as you listened. And listened. And listened. It felt like an eternity before you finally decided to get the courage to walk up and answer it, reaching for the knob and pulling it open.
There, standing on the other side of the door, was your boyfriend. Michael was standing there, staring back at you. His face wasn't angry. He wasn't mad anymore. He didn't look sad either. He didn't look like anything at all. He looked blank, empty. Like he didn't have any emotions, his eyes were void of the emotions that you loved so much.
He wore his security vest, the little medallion dangling in front of his chest. He had his name tag attached to it, and you realized he came straight from work. He had bags under his eyes, and his hair was a mess, sticking out at the side. His posture was slouched, his shoulders hanging low. He looked exhausted. But he was there, and he was standing right in front of you like he was the one who had been waiting for so long. Like he was the one who was worried.
"Hi," he spoke quietly. He almost whispered. It was soft, and it was quiet. His voice was scratchy and dry. He was trying to smile, but he was trying so hard to force one that it hurt you to see it. You felt a sharp pain in your chest at the sight of him. "Can we… Can we talk?"
"What are you doing here, Michael? You need to be home for Abby." You felt the lump in your throat rise up as you spoke. You could feel the tears coming back to your eyes, and you knew he saw them. He was always good at seeing through you.
"I couldn't go home knowing we're not okay." He looked at you with the saddest look you had ever seen. The look made you want to cry again. You didn't want to cry anymore.
"I… I can't right now," you said, moving to close the door in front of you. "I need some time to think." You started to shut the door, but his hand was quick to stop you from closing it. He put his foot in between the door and the frame and held the door open.
"Please," he begged, practically whining. He was so desperate. You knew he was desperate. You could see it in his eyes, the way his eyebrows were furrowed, and how he was clenching his jaw. "I know I shouldn't have said what I did last night. I was just… I was just angry. I didn't mean what I said, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't want to lose you because of my shit."
"Mike…" you started, but he cut you off.
"I'm just not used to having someone around all the time… Having someone help me. I know I get angry easily; Fuck, I know I'm stubborn. I know that I get mad at myself a lot because I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. I really am. For the longest time, it's just been Abby and I and no one else. I never really had someone who was willing to take care of me… and I've always been fine. I'm fine." Mike shook his head. "But I don't want to be just fine anymore. I want to be happy, and I want to be happy with you."
You felt a fresh set of tears fall from your eyes. You couldn't help it. The words were too much for you to handle. The sincerity in his voice, the way he was looking at you with his big hazel eyes, and how his voice cracked as he spoke. He looked like he had more to say, but he didn't. He just looked at you. He looked like he was searching for something. And you realized it was your forgiveness. He was waiting for your forgiveness. He was waiting for you to give him another chance.
You thought about all the times he opened up to you. All the times he let you in, and you helped him out when he needed it. You thought about how he was there when you needed him to be. You thought about how he would smile at you when you needed him to, how he would make you smile even on your worst days.
"I think you owe a dollar for the swear jar, maybe more," you spoke softly, looking up at him with your red, puffy eyes. He gave you a confused look, but he soon realized what you were talking about. He chuckled as he wiped the tears from your eyes.
"Yeah, I guess I do. Sorry, Abby," he apologized, acting like he was talking to his little sister. She wasn't here right now, but you knew he still felt like he needed to apologize to her for his actions, too. He always felt the need to apologize. He felt the need to try and be a better brother. To try and be a better son. He looked at you with those big eyes of his. The same eyes you fell in love with.
"Hug?" you asked, a small smile gracing your face. You didn't know why you asked, but you did. You felt the lump in your throat slowly ease up, and you finally felt the air in your lungs start to flow. He smiled back at you, opening his arms, and you stepped into them, burying your face in his shoulder.
He pulled away and kissed your forehead, resting his on top of yours. He rubbed your back as you wrapped your arms around him. He felt safe and warm. He felt like everything that was missing.
"I still don't want you covering the debt," he told you. "But… I'll take the help. I can take the help. I'll take it as long as it's you." You could hear him smiling, and you squeezed him tighter.
"Of course. Of course."
Everything was falling back into place. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't fixed. There was still so much to work out, but it was starting to feel a little better. You felt a little better. You felt a little more whole again. The ache in your heart wasn't so bad. It was bearable, and you could finally breathe again.
"You can let go of me now." Mike's voice was muffled against the top of your head, and you realized you were squeezing him too tight.
Still, you didn't let go. "No, you're warm," you said, smiling into his chest.
He let out a small sigh, shaking his head. "Is this my punishment? Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?"
"It could be worse. I could still be mad at you," you replied, kissing the side of his neck.
"Well, in that case," he suddenly grabbed you by your waist and hoisted you up over his shoulder. He laughed as you yelped out in surprise, flailing your limbs. You felt the world turn upside down, and you screamed as he turned and walked back inside, closing the door behind him. "Let me show you how sorry I am."
He might've ended up causing Abby to be late to school that morning, but it was okay. It was okay because you were laughing. You were smiling, and most of all, you were happy.
You were happy because even though it wasn't perfect, he was trying. He was trying to make things better for himself and for you. And for the first time in a long time, it felt like you were finally home.
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