#but i couldn’t bc if i did my dad would have me institutionalized

[lesless]

Some thoughts on marriage

Growing up I never really understood the idea of marriage. My mom had me at 16 or somewhere near that, & was only married briefly as a result of being pregnant with me & having a less than ideal home life, which she wanted to get out of. My dad has been married or engaged 5 or more times, though now he’s old enough not to lure in underaged girls or young women & is now happily married to a woman who I really like. My great grandparents, who I grew up with, were married over 50 years, & though they bickered I understood that they had committed to each other & my great grandpa took care of my great grandmother through her senility, hiding it until it was noticeable to all.

So, I have mixed views on the topic. On one hand, it seems insane to me to enter into a legal contract for a relationship especially considering I’m not religious in the traditional sense. On the other, I find it incredibly romantic & a statement of devotion.

I my early 20’s the only person I remember breaking up with me (who really just beat me to it, bc I was unhappy & didn’t want to be with him really) told me that the reason he didn’t want to be with me is that he “couldn’t imagine marrying” me, which to me felt stupid & I was fine with at the time (& still am, he was a mess). When I met someone I was infatuated with, he talked about how he was “going to marry that girl” in reference to the last girl he dated, during the first 6 months we were together, which really bothered me. They were together for a year or less as far as I can gather. He later admitted it was because her family had a lot of connections in the film industry, which made me feel a little disgusted by his intentions of marriage if I’m being honest.

Personally, I’ve driven hard lines in the ground with people I’ve dated. Either I’m with you or not, & with you means I’m in 100%. I’m not going to leave unless there’s some seriously extenuating circumstances, such as, my last partner had a serious alcohol problem & got really scary & mean before I decided it was safer for me to leave than stay with them.

Nowadays, I’m with someone I adore & I feel adores me back. We have been together 5 years in a few weeks, which will mark the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. Simultaneously, our family is mentioning marriage (& have been for years).

& im at this crossroads. I think both of us have some doubt about the whole concept of marriage, our families respectively having a long history of divorce & the mess that entails. But also, is that something I actually want? I’m not sure.

By now I did imagine myself with kids of my own, though I love my freedom & ability to do what I want. Marriage feels like the end of that freedom to a certain extent, but also feels like the agreement on a future, & security. We haven’t talked about it, truly. Sometimes I think my partner is working towards a more secure future for us before that, & every time he talks about the future he says US, which is also reassuring.

If he asked I would say yes, but as time rolls on & my experiences & friends get hitched after only a year or two, I do wonder if I’m just not the kind of person someone would want to marry, as that long buried ex said. Or, are people just stupid & rushing into things? Are people just agreeing to things based on their circumstances & ideology? The people I know who have gotten married, largely, also became very institutionally religious. Which, good for them, but that’s not where I am.

I suppose I’m curious what readers think of marriage. What are the criteria? What is the deciding factor? Do you just know?

I’ve also known people happily not married with children in 10+ year relationships. I suppose theres no universal right answer to any of this. Just something I’m pondering after some deeply itchy nightmares.

#me

[cicinicole-14]

so, some recent developments have surfaced, and thanks to @only-freakin-sunflowers, I ship with my whole heart, the train wreck that is roisa. 

now, before I get started, hear me out. yes, I know Luisa is sometimes mentally unstable and is a recovering addict. yes I know she’s been institutionalized a few times. and yes I know rose is an international crime lord, has murdered many people, kidnapped a baby and faked her own death etc, and is a sociopath. 

I know it all, but the heart ships what the heart ships. and it ships these two lunatics in love. 

“in love, cici? how can they be in love?” LET ME FUCKING TELL YOU WHY. 

buckle up kids, because we’re going for a ride. 

as we know, Rose Solano is a sociopath. Sociopaths are “incapable of feelings such as empathy, regret, and remorse. They don’t experience emotional pain herself; thus, they can't understand the expression of those feelings in others. Sociopaths don't have feelings or emotions, nor do sociopaths cry genuinely”

so why have we seen rose saying she loves Luisa in the show? in 1.10 Rose tells Luisa she loves her in the mental institution, and again in 3.03 on the submarine in the “creepy” voice (the voice on accident because Rose says Luisa makes her nervous but wait Rose can’t feel nervous because she shouldn’t be able to feel emotional nerves because she’s a sociopath? then why can luisa make her nervous and why does she love luisa?) 

there are many reasons why Rose loves Luisa and shows it. these are a few reasons how she shows Luisa how: 

she’s gentle with Luisa. every caress, touch, kiss. She lets Lu kiss the inside of her wrist and she just sits there and takes it in. she is usually gentle in her voice too, always trying to sweetly talk to Luisa, and is trying to be there for her, even when we were introduced to Rose as “Luisa’s ex-friend and ex-lover” because luisa didn’t know who to call about the whole insemination thing and she called rose, who even though they were exes, she still was gentle and there for Luisa. (why though? we will get to this.) 

the way that even though Rose risks getting put in jail, she still accompanies Luisa to Miami multiple times under disguises just to be with luisa and protect her. even the last two times when Luisa went to visit Rafael, her brother that rose knows treats luisa like shit and luisa still believes her baby brother can’t do anything wrong, Rose knows how important Raf is to luisa and risks her own freedom to go with Luisa, even after Luisa gives her the “are you coming or not?” line. 

how, my favorite; Rose and Luisa explore BDSM and bondage. and as seen in 1.10/11 in the mental hospital, Luisa is the one to tie up rose. Rose literally only softens for Luisa. she’s a fucking international crime lord, how could you not peg her for a top/dom in bed? and Luisa this lil cinnamon roll of a person, is a Dom in bed? rose lets her just tie her up and have her way with her. Rose is completely submissive to Luisa. 

and one thing that I believe happened. Remember the “email” “Raf” sent on Luisa’s birthday when they were on the submarine and she checked it and there was nothing but then rose Brought it to her after saying it was bc they were a day ahead? Um, I actually wholeheartedly believe that a. Raf didn’t send her an email on her birthday bc he’s a jerk like that and b. Rose totally wrote the email because she saw how upset it made her that Raf hadn’t emailed her and so rose wrote one and made up some weird excuse of being a day ahead so they didn’t get the email. 

And with that theory above, it leads me to make more notes about roisa and how that yes, they’re a fucking train wreck on top of a train wreck, but in some twisted fuking way, Rose actually loves luisa and would do anything for her. For Christ’s sake she murdered Mutter, who was in jail, for kidnapping Luisa on her and hurting her. Mutter was in jail. she couldn’t hurt Luisa anymore. she was in solitary, but rose still sought out Mutter and killed her just for Kidnapping Luisa and hurting her. She would do anything for Luisa. 

Because they both love each other even though its weird and wrong and whatnot. They love each other and rose genuinely cares for luisa. Lu is the only one rose could, will, and has ever known how to love because Luisa was the first and only person to show Rose love. (and here it is. the “why”. the reason Rose loves only Luisa.)

Rose was believed to have been raised by Elena, raf’s “mom”, and Elena was her stepmother. Well, what happened to rose’s mom? idr, but that leaves Elena and rose’s dad. Her mom is out of the picture, rose probably did something relatively bad for a kid and thinks hey I’m bad and thats why mom left or whatever. Then her dad was probs a dick/drunk/absent and Elena just was Mutter and showed her the fucking ropes to everything regarding murder and treated her like shit as well. Then lets move on. Rose is old enough to start conning men out of money by marrying them and then killing them. She doesn’t love them and she’s a trophy wife. Trophy wives are never in meaningful relationships. She never loved any of the men she wedded for the sake of money. And then came luisa, who genuinely cared for her for the first time ever. And im telling u right this fuking second. She sat down next to luisa knowing exactly who this woman was she was sitting near at the girl bar they met at. She knew exactly who Luisa alver was and knew she was the daughter of Emilio Solano. Rose is too smart to not know. So she sits down and then her and luisa start talking first. And then at this point, Because it says they met “five years ago” and then Luisa goes to a family dinner that night, fourth of July, after sleeping with rose, rose is in a relationship with Emilio. I believe that rose went into that girl bar to suss out luisa. She knew who she was. And then she talked with luisa. And It was probably the first time ever that that happened because most of her marks she probably immediately jumped into bed with but then here’s luisa the daughter of her newest mark, and she starts talking with her and rose feels different because its the first time someone has talked to her like she’s a human being, an actual fucking person. And then she didn’t intend on sleeping with luisa but she did. And like anyone else, she also didn’t intend on falling in love with luisa but she did because luisa is the only one who’s ever treated her like an actual person/with human decency. And she fell for luisa. And wow my heart h u r t s so bad.

I believe that Luisa was the first person to ever treat and show Rose with love. before her father died and after, because Luisa even says she loves rose after Rose had killed her father. Luisa continued to be with her even after she knew Rose was Sin Rostro. 

and thats the reason I think Rose is able to love Luisa is because Luisa is the only person to genuinely show her the decency of human kindness and love. Luisa treats her like an equal, a friend, a lover, not a pet or something owned by someone, not a piece of property to be sold and passed on to someone else. 

so yeah, they’re a hot mess but they love each other. and I love them and they hurt my little fangirl heart. 

#roisa #rose solano #sin rostro #luisa alver #my precious children