#but i do not have the Energy to actually PLAY with them in uni

[wh0reforcoriolanussnow]

Mom, I am a rich man || Tom Blyth x gf!reader

Summary: Fans have always speculated that Tom was dating someone until he confirmed it in an interview. After digging through Tom’s socials, fans stumble upon you, a Yale law student.

Warnings: fem!reader

Wc: 341

A/n: anyone studying law atm? 🙋‍♀️ ALSO THANK U SM FOR 6K AHHH THATS INSANE!!!

Divider by @pommecita

“I did it!” You slightly furrow your eyebrows at the text message your boyfriend sent you before clicking onto the link that he sent. It was a 2 minute interview that he did while at one of the premieres for his hunger games movie.

Tom looked insanely good in his tailored suit, exuding confidence as he engages with the interviewer. Cameras flashed around him, capturing the glamour of the event, and you couldn’t help but smile, feeling a sense of pride for your boyfriend.

The interviewer, a charismatic host with an air of familiarity, turns his attention to Tom, eager to delve into the behind-the-scenes of the blockbuster. “Tom, how was the filming process for ‘The Hunger Games’?” She’s asks, a glint of curiosity in her eyes.

Tom smiles, his eyes gleaming with enthusiasm. “Oh, it was fantastic. The whole cast and crew brought so much energy to the project. But what made it truly special was having my family here. They visited during filming, and even my girlfriend, who took some time off uni to be with me. I greatly appreciated that.”

Your heart swells with warmth at his words. Tom, ever the supportive partner, acknowledges your sacrifice and commitment to being by his side during this whirlwind experience.

Your 2 months in Berlin with Tom was a great opportunity to take a break from all your uni work, and of course, spend some much needed time with your boyfriend. The revelation that he has a girlfriend elicits a gasp from the woman interviewing him.

That video goes viral on the internet. With Tom’s fans searching the internet for anything that could lead them to finding out who Tom’s girlfriend is.

With hard digging, fans discover your insta page. Your posts containing photos of your life as a law student at Yale and fans were pleasantly surprised to find never seen before photos of Tom that you’ve posted.

y/n_y/l/n just posted a story!

y/n_y/l/n

Liked by tomblyth and 2,941 others

this months dump!

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yourfriendsusername: 😍😍

↘️ y/n_y/l/n: ily!

yourfriendsusername: uh oh, ur getting famous…. remember me pls!

↘️ y/n_y/l/n: sorry, who are you 😂

user1: omg so this is Tom’s gf? SHES GORGEOUS

user2: damn she’s hella smart huh?

↘️ user3: DUH SHES IN YALE

user4: eh, she’s mid

↘️ user5: studying at one of the ivy league’s is far from being mid lol 😭

user6: she’s been posting him for so long now, how have we only just found this out 😂

user7: so she’s pretty, she’s smart, and she’s bagged Tom Blyth? Damn girl. Teach us ur ways!

user8: THE LAST PICTURE AWEE

user9: the bouquet behind his back- the way she’s looking at him- my single heart cannot 😭✋

user10: studying in Yale is such a flex oml. And studying law too? Imagine being able to say, yeah my mom’s a lawyers. COULD NEVER BE ME. 😃

~

tomblyth

Liked by y/n_y/l/n, rachelzegler, phoebedynevor, tomblythupdates and 8,307,163 others

yeah my girlfriend is cooler than me.

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y/n_y/l/n: Alexa, play brooklyn baby by Lana Del Rey 😁

↘️ tomblyth: volume up Alexa!

rachelzegler: y/n’s side eye 🙈

↘️ y/n_y/l/n: 👀👀

↘️ tomblyth: side eyed me the whole damn time

user1: HE FINALLY POSTED HER!

user2: can’t wait for more gf appreciation posts 😆

user3: what’s a uni student doing dating an actor like Tom Blyth?

user4: first pic. sleeping on the road tn.

↘️ y/n_y/l/n: pls don’t 🙏

↘️ user5: AHH SHE REPLIED TO YOU

↘️ user6: UR SO LUCKY TO CALL TOM UR MAN.

↘️ user7: nah, he’s actually my man.

user8: crying. screaming. throwing up.

user9: it’s happening 😭 Tom finally posting about his gf

#tom blyth #fanfiction #tom blyth imagine #tom blyth x reader #tom blyth x you #tom blyth x gf!reader #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #the hunger games #uni student #yale #the hunger games the ballad of songbirds & snakes #coriolanus snow #young president snow #coriolanus snow fanfiction #tom blyth fluff #social media #social media au #coriolanus fanfiction #tom blyth fanfiction #tom blyth the man you are #tom blyth angst

[masonmiamor]

think about it - - mason mount x reader.

summary: what happens when bsf! mason wants more, but you’re not willing too in order to protect your friends heart and yours.

wc: 1.3k

Hi everyone... It's been months... so forgive me... it's a Christmas miracle! 😭😭I hope everyone is doing okay and safe! I'd love to hear all about it if you'd like to speak about it! Feel like this is so bad and I lost my spark but I hope you can still enjoy :( 💕 don't forget to reblog, as us writers love to hear back from you!

“Stop! Don’t say another word,” you reluctantly stood being faced with Mason who stood confused. “You can’t say that Mason. You’re going out with her! One of my friends? How can you say that?” you defend your friend, even if she wasn’t there. 

Being best friends with Mason wasn’t always easy. He forgot he was a normal person sometimes, and would let the fame get to his head, which is what he’s doing right now. Your parents and his were grateful more than ever to have you keep him in check because lord knew it would be a mess. 

Mason had been flirting and going out with your friend Stella. From the stories she told, it sounded serious, and wanted more. You didn’t play Cupid, and part of you was slightly upset when you found out from Declan they were going out. Behind your back, not even a single word from Mason. 

Stella was a beautiful blond, working at a law firm, and definitely super confident. You were the opposite, still at uni and trying to find a program that could promote your art. Art was your life, no matter what went on, it was a way for you to release all your energy into a blank canvas. 

“All I’m saying is that I don’t like her like that anymore. She’s to stuck up and self-centered, I’m not ready for that commitment,” Mason reasoned but you shook your head with a no. This was him. Becoming a womanizer. Forgetting the good and little things that occurred in his life. 

“You’re gonna break her heart? Before Christmas? Really?” you say with a pure questioning voice, your eyes squinting. Mason shrugged and nodded nonchalantly, “I don’t see why not. I realized I didn't want her. She’s not the one I want,” he said.  

“So why play her? Drag it out this long. That’s not fair to her,” you say disgusted not being able to look at him. Mason always was a person you admired and looked up to, but deep down you fell for the freckled brown-eyed man. It was hard to resist and you refused to accept it, but when seeing them together, you couldnt help think it should be you aside him. “You don’t think it’s fair for me? I never wanted her, she threw herself at me.” 

“Which is why I’m saying why play her when you should’ve made it clear from the start? You made her attached to you and let her believe your lies and promises. Mason what the actual fuck?” you spit out with pure rage. The room becomes hot as you begin to look around for the exit. 

“She also played with me! I’m sure she didn’t tell you that because you’re blind to her. You’re so quick to defend her but what about me? Your best friend? Stella messed around with other men, while I stayed loyal to her. She’s a liar and a manipulator. So what if I end it before Christmas? I can finally have the person I want instead of being focused on someone who can’t even make time for me.”

This was certainly news to you, as you started to feel regretful for the way you screamed at him. To call him a womanizer and letting the fame get to him. You didn’t know Stella did this, it was news to you. As all she could brag about nowadays was about Mason this Mason that. She never mentioned talking with other people. He was right. You did let her get to your head. 

“It’s okay I know you didn’t mean it, to scream at me,” Mason noticed your quiet tone, heart-wrenching as he tried to swallow the words that wanted to come out, before he knew it, he started speaking again. “I know you want what’s best for everyone, but when will you think of yourself? You also deserved to be treated right and loved by someone,” you eyed him weirdly and burst out laughing. 

“Me being in in love? Or someone loving me? That’s impossible. I haven’t had a boyfriend in years, let alone go on dates. I’m starting to accept the fact I won’t find anyone, I mean look at me!” you said seriously, continuing to laugh. Mason frowned, shaking his head at the way you were talking to yourself. 

“I am looking at you… and all I see is someone who’s scared of revealing who they truly are. The commitment maybe or afraid of being rejected. A beautiful, smart, independent woman,” Mason said carefully as he took steps closer to you. “Someone who deserves the world after putting everyone first before her. Why can't you see that? Why do you distance yourself from me?” he asked with urgency. 

You would be lying if you said you slowly detached yourself from him. Avoiding plans or meetings because it hurt to see him. The idea of him not telling you he was going out with Stella, seeing them together when all your friends went out, your friend who still was with Mason, and being in love with your best friend but still trying to refuse it. 

It drove you wild and often made you cry because everyone around you began to settle down, and you were left wondering why you couldn’t keep one good person in your life. You hated the fact of never being enough, for yourself or anyone around you. Maybe you weren't enough and that is what pushed people away. 

“Mason…”

“Why can't you let me love you like you deserve? Let me take your worries and pains away? Let me be the man you need and love you unconditionally? What are you so afraid of? What else do I have to do to get your attention?” Mason confessed. The Christmas tree lighting made him look intimidating as he held your face in his large hands. 

It was fucked up. He knew it was fucked up to mess with your friend to get you to see how madly he fell in love with you. It was an even bigger mistake to have dragged it out this long, knowing how distant and muted you were from him. He just wanted you to finally see that it was him all along. 

You swallowed the lump in your throat, unable to look him in the eyes, because if you did, you would give it away how you felt about him. The eyes never lied. Your eyes never lied to him. “Say something please…” Mason pleaded, afraid he might've overstepped, or read the cards wrong. 

“I'm not the right person for you Mase… I can’t give you what you want…” you painfully smiled, as both of your hearts sunk deeper. “I can't lose you like I’ve lost everyone else. We wouldn't work, I’m just way too different from the girls you've been with,” you say pulling away from his grasp and walking to the opposite end of the room. 

“They're not you though. You will always come first. They didn't mean anything because it wasn't them I wanted, it's all along been you. I’ve spent way too much time thinking, losing you, suffering because you weren't with me. I'm tired of that, I just want you baby. Don't compare yourself to anyone in the world, because at the end of the day, you will be the first one I look for… I love you.” Your eyes widened, not realizing he stood in front of you again. 

Your head felt heavy, filled with thoughts as they raced through your head. Your chest tightened at his words. After waiting so long to hear them, why did all of a sudden feel different? Like you didn't believe them. Believe him. Was it the fact she was still present, or were you afraid of finally having something real and you being the reason to lose it all? Mason leaned down kissed the inner corner of your mouth, and pulled away. Joining your families who were celebrating Christmas Eve. 

“Think about it. Okay?”

#mason mount #mason mount x reader #mason mount imagine #mason mount one shot #mason mount blurb

[cottonlemonade]

If He Could

word count: 936 || avg. reading time: 4 mins.

pairing: UniversityAU! Oikawa x chubby!Reader

genre: smut, but make it angsty, pining

warnings: mdni, nsfw

synopsis: Oikawa thinks about you in bed, wishing he was your boyfriend

________________________________________

It’s half past one in the morning and Oikawa along with some friends are still in the gym, practicing. Among them is your boyfriend, who Oikawa technically considers a friend, but ever since he started to date you, a bitter taste is left in his mouth when they hang out.

Playing two on two, Oikawa and your boyfriend are comfortably in the lead.

"Hey, let's take a break.", one of the others says and walks over to the bench, taking deep gulps from a water bottle.

"You want us to go easy on you?", your boyfriend says teasingly and bumps his fist with Oikawa‘s to look extra cool.

"How do you have that much energy left?", the other one asks, impressed, "Uni, volleyball, part-time job and a girlfriend."

"True! How is that girlfriend of yours? She treating you well?" The two boys laugh and Oikawa tries to look unbothered or better yet, to join in, but doesn‘t.

Your boyfriend just shrugs and grins, taking a sip of water.

"Come on, tell us."

Your boyfriend shakes his head and Oikawa relaxes a bit.

"The last girl I dated was really good in bed.", one of the boys reminisces, looking off into the far distance, "She did that thing with her tongue that-"

Oikawa picks up the volleyball and goes to the other end of the court, far away enough to not take part in that conversation. Eventually their late night trainings always end up here and he hates it.

He hears them laughing again and urging your boyfriend to spill about "his girl".

Oikawa is glad his friend is holding strong, until "Actually that one time she…"

When your boyfriend finishes his story, Oikawa feels his ears ringing and not just from the constant hollering of the other two. How could that jerk just-

No, this is none of his business. Even though you are his friend, too! He should say something. But it shouldn't matter what he thinks.

"Okay, one more round.", your boyfriend says, finally setting down the water bottle and opening his hands for Oikawa to pass to him.

"Hey!", he calls, shaking out his hand after the spike bounced off it with considerable force.

"Sorry.", Oikawa says sweetly, but his eyes are cold as he goes to pick up the ball that is rolling away.

He doesn‘t want to feel this way. Later when Oikawa is finally laying in bed he scrolls through his past conversations with you, cursing himself for doing so.

He thinks back to last week when you and him had been out for ice cream and an elderly couple had said how cute you look together.

If he would be your boyfriend, then… No, he shouldn’t even think that way.

But if he would be… Before he can stop it, his mind wanders back to what your boyfriend had told them earlier. About that one night.

If he would have been with you then… If you would be with him right now. Oikawa feels a pull in his stomach.

If you would be with him right now… He pictures you laying next to him, smiling, having freed each other of clothes long ago, kissing and touching and whispering. You would be biting your lip and sliding your hand under the blanket, your fingers ghosting over his lower abdomen. You‘d lean in to kiss him and …

Oikawa starts palming himself over his sweatpants.

He would pull you closer, feel your softness against him. He would run his hands along your curves…

His movements become a little quicker.

You would play with his hair and gasp when after having sufficiently touched every inch of you, he would turn you around, so that your back presses against his chest and he could kiss your neck.

His sweats are no good for where his dreams are taking him - Oikawa pushes them down, sighing in relief when he doesn‘t feel constricted anymore, his fingers wrapping around his hard cock.

In his dream you ask what he is waiting for and he chuckles mischievously. He would push his cock between your thighs, loving the little sounds you make and slowly, ever so slowly begin to move, rubbing against your wet folds, keeping a hand on your infuriatingly soft hip to steady you.

And you would moan his name and ask for more and he would thrust a little faster, his free hand reaching first for your breasts, teasing your stiff nipples, then go between your legs to play a little with your clit.

And after a while - a long while, he likes to take his time - you would grow impatient again and ask for more but he wouldn’t speed up his thrusts, only his hand, grabbing your hip tighter and you would fall apart on him.

But he wouldn’t stop. And your adorable exhausted protests and begs would finally push him over the edge and he would lay there, spent, panting, feeling you around him. And you would turn your head to kiss him and he would tell you how much he loves you before finally pushing his cock deep into you, so very slowly, inch by inch. You would reach up behind you to grab his hair and he would run his tongue along your neck. And needing another high you would tighten your walls around him, rolling your hips as he fucks you like he's been desperate to do for so long.

“Just like that, my sweet girl…”, he whispers, followed by curses.

Oikawa feels his insides coiling and speeds up again, lifting his free hand to his mouth to cover any noises.

______________________________

#oikawa x chubby reader #haikyuu x chubby reader #oikawa x reader #oikawa tooru #oikawa angst #oikawa smut #haikyuu smut #haikyuu oikawa #chubby reader #haikyuu angst

[writingsfromhome]

Dos and Don’ts IV

A/N: hello my loves this final part to this fic completes the birth of one of my favourite fics I’ve written. Thank you for reading and enjoying it just as much—every like, comment, and dm meant the world <3

Parts: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4

—————————————————

We have an extra day in Barcelona and the team is buzzing to enjoy their nightlife since we could sleep all day tomorrow. I’d visited here while I was a uni student so I give some suggestions.

Harry’s a little on edge the whole time. Earlier today some headline from a musician Harry worked with was taken out of context and thus took the internet by storm. Now he was being flooded with people wanting to know his thoughts and feelings. It was a hot topic.

With a joint effort of me, Jeff, and Graham, we tried to keep the spotlight on his Barcelona show. Well my role was mostly to screen Harry from seeing any further discourse online.

The show itself was one of the loudest I’d been to—I was glad I had my own ear protection. The tense Harry falls away and he’s electric on stage. Even coming backstage he’s on a high; he hugs the crew and thanks everyone like he usually did at the end of shows and disappears into his dressing room with Jeff. They look like they’re talking intensely.

“So,” Sarah slides in beside me. “We noticed you’re a bit different coming back. What’s happened?”

I try to play dumb but the girls keep pushing.

“Me and my fiancé ended things,” I confess. They gasp, Claire’s eyes actually fill with tears.

“Shh!” I shush them. “Keep it on the down low please I don’t want anyone to know.”

“But y/n why are you even here!? Is it because of tour! I’m sure Harry could have rearranged things-“

“No no,” I appreciated their support but I didn’t want to hash things out. “It’s just…I think it was a long time coming. God, I don’t wanna cry. I’m good. For now. And I want to be on tour I need the distraction.”

“I get it,” they sympathize. “We’re gonna make you forget so hard tonight.”

“Okay but don’t,” I look around us to make sure there was nobody else around. “Please don’t tell Harry. Seriously please. I don’t want him to know especially. I don’t want him to treat me differently or something.”

“Lips are sealed.” Sarah zips her mouth. “But we can all tell you’re off. It’s hard not to practically living together these last couple months. If he asks we’ll say…”

“Just say she’s on a break?” Charlie suggests.

“Yeah,” I shrug. “Things are complicated, I’m on a break, whatever that’s fine.”

The girls lean towards me and envelop me in a hug. It reminds me of my friends I’d said goodbye to.

“Thanks,” I say through tears.

And the girls hold me to their promise.

After we get dressed for the night—I chose a corset-style top and trousers—we head out. The sun dips below the horizon and the old city is cast in a warm orange glow that could inspire anyone who set eyes on it. String lights come on and music plays from various doors; the city is alive.

We tease each other about looking so glam as we wander the narrow cobblestone streets. Aside from the shows we all wore sweats and tees.

Every place we pass sets my senses alight. We grab tapas from a place that smells irresistible and chat over each other about tonight’s wicked show. I continue avoiding Harry by sitting as far away from him as I can get.

As we wander off in search of the club I can’t help but feel a twinge at how incredibly romantic the moonlit streets felt.

The club is loud and alive, the noise levels even feel normal after the roar of the last few of Harry’s shows. My mood starts shooting up steadily as I drink in the energy around me.

We join the crowd and I give away my worries and my annoyances to enjoy the music. I feel it in my chest and for a blissful moment I’m grateful for my whole damn life despite everything.

“Cute guy!” Someone shouts in my ear.

Charlie nudges me to one of the guys dancing nearby. “Get distracted!”

I shake my head no.

“Do it!” She cheers. It barely travels to me. She grabs Claire’s hand and tugs her, letting her in on the plan and they goad me into going for it.

I motion a drink. I’d need another shot for the courage.

We trail back to the bar and do a round of shots, and they grin with thumbs up as I hesitantly enter the crowd again.

The dude they pointed out is tall and beautiful. Like beautiful not even handsome. I get stuck looking up at him in awe, he wasn’t really my type. A tad too pretty boy but when he notices me looking he smiles and I’m won over. I couldn’t deny a good smile.

“Hey!” He turns his body to me. At least I think he say hey.

“Hey!” I shout back.

“Que pasa?”

“What?!” I couldn’t hear a single thing. What did I expect.

He smiles and takes my hand that had been anxiously playing with the edge of my top. The other has a hand splint that I’d received in Madrid. Apparently I sprained my fingers.

The stranger wriggles both my hands to loosen them, raising his brow at the splint. I laugh.

He asks in my ear but I don’t understand. It sounds like a question, something bylar. When I scrunch my brows he laughs, “Dance! We dance!?”

“Dance!” I laugh. He was cute! “Yes! I want to dance with you!”

“Vamos,” he pulls me in. I understood that at least.

I used to do this in uni, I think. I should be able to do it again.

He teases me a little because I’m so tense. His hands knead down my back to my waist to get me to relax. It feels nice, being touched by a man that looks like he was carved from marble but filled with music.

I begin to find my rhythm and sway with him, eventually letting go completely. He compliments me as I start to move with him and pretty soon I’ve channeled my 20-year-old self. It feels pretty spectacular.

When his lips ghost my cheek I don’t protest. Right now, I felt good. Everything was on the back burner’s back burner and I felt grounded in this nighclub with this random stranger who was paying attention to me, just me. And it’s just us. And it’s just temporary. And I feel good.

When I turn around, my back to his chest, he moves my hair to the side and kisses down my neck. It felt good.

I run my hand up into his hair and he moves lower murmuring foreign words on my skin, our bodies still dancing in the same language, his hands still gripping my waist and my hips. I feel blissed out.

It ends in a split second.

“What are you doing?” Harry’s suddenly tugging me towards him. His mouth makes the words I just fill them in with his annoyingly bossy voice.

“Hey man,” the guy I’m dancing with tries to get in between us.

“What are you doing!?” I snatch my hand away from Harry.

Harry puts his hand on my partner’s chest and says something to him, maybe in Spanish. He looks at me with puppy dog eyes and I look at Harry. What had he said.

“What did you say?” I ask. I try to call back my dancing partner but he just salutes me with a smile and fades into the crowd. No wait, I’m being dragged away.

“Y/n what are you doing out there?”

“What am I doing?” I shout. “What are you?! I was having a nice time with that guy what did you say to him?”

He walks away, further back into the edges of the club. There’s a few people milling about with a number of them involved in heavy makeout sessions.

Harry turns to face me finally. “You’re engaged y/n, Claire and Sarah said things are complicated at home is that why you’re doing this?”

“What!” I throw my hands up, tears prick my eyes. What the fuck was his problem! Since when did he care? “Why do you care?! Yes, things are complicated and I was getting my mind off of said things—what is your issue? You want to drag me back here and remind me of how shitty things have been?”

“This isn’t the way,” Harry insists. “You don’t even know that guy!”

“Whatever I’m over this convo.”

I turn to leave but Harry grabs my hand, the one in the splint, and pulls me back.

“Sorry,” he lets go of the splint. Then picks it up again. “Look. I’m worried about you. This isn’t you, you’re not the girl that goes home with another guy when your fiancé is back at home! I just don’t want you making any regrets.”

“Oh is that it,” I step towards him so my hand isn’t so outstretched. He stands still but on my second step he inches back. “Since when did you get a high horse huh? Don’t tell me who I am and who I’m not. You barely know me! If I want to make decisions I regret I can do that. They’re mine to make.”

“No. Y/n, as mad as you are don’t go home with a stranger.”

“As if you don’t!” I scoff. “What’s your real agenda here? What’s going on?”

“Nothing!” He insists.

“Why do you suddenly care so much about my chastity?”

“It’s for your own good!”

He’s lying. I know he’s lying and I don’t know why he pulled me away from my beautiful Spanish dance partner but I was actually relaxing and now he’s put me right back into this crazed and tense headspace I kept finding myself in.

Fine, I decide. I could make him regret it.

“Really? You care about my morality that much?” I ask.

With my hand flat on his chest I’ve pushed him further into the wall behind him. He watches me with a guarded look.

But I want him unguarded, vulnerable. The same way he’s made me feel. I lean in, “Are you really worried about the technicalities of me cheating on my fiancé?”

I hover a half foot from his lips. Finally his eyes flicker down to my lips and I know I’ve got him.

I slide my hand up his chest and when my hand inches up the skin of his throat his eyes grow unguarded and heady with lust. He doesn’t push me away. He doesn’t say no.

Hypocrite.

I drop my hand.

“That’s what I thought Mr. Styles.”

I watch for a wonderful moment as the lust clears from his eyes and he realizes what happened. Shame, embarrassment, resignation, and then anger.

I spin on my heel and head away from him. He could deal with the consequences of his actions all on his own.

I’m half-afraid he’ll come after me but luckily I make it out of the club alone.

“He’s such a dick,” I say more to myself. Just to get it out because I’m pissed. “Who the fuck does he think he is!?”

My night is over. I just want to take this all off and forget about it. Maybe I can lock myself in my room and raid the mini-fridge, get drunk and cry myself to sleep. Those seemed like the best options right now.

I take an uber to the hotel. As I walk up to it I notice a weird crowd outside. For nearly 2am I wasn’t expecting this and my instincts kick in that this wasn’t normal. Especially when I notice all the camera straps.

“Excuse me,” I ask the front desk. “Why are there a bunch of paparazzi outside?”

“Is there?” The man behind the counter asks. “Sorry we will tell them to leave. Are you staying with us?”

“That’s a privacy concern out there, and a concern with your staff because they’re here. How do they know who’s staying here?!”

It seems to dawn on him I wasn’t just asking out of curiosity. He promises me he’ll get management. In the meantime I call Jeff and explain the situation. He starts to panic the way I hated, looking for something to blame. He calls Graham who sounds like he’s driving in nascar. It’s a very noisy and over-stimulating conversation.

“Call Harry!” Jeff orders. “Tell him he cannot go back to the hotel no matter what! Fucking vultures man!”

“Y/N,” Graham says in a calmer voice. “You need to go back to where Harry is with some sort of disguise. A hat or sunglasses. That sort of thing-“

“It’s night.”

“Yes night. No glasses. Book the closest hotel you can find. Tell his band they can come back, but to go through the back. They might get spotted but they’re trained on dodging questions. That will keep the vultures there waiting for Harry and we can pick you two up back to the airport tomorrow morning. Where’s after this?”

“Glasgow,” I bite my nail as I think. I had to call Harry asap. What if he was on his way back. “I gotta go now to call him though. Talk later.”

I hang up and call Harry. He picks up the second time.

I explain the situation and he reacts the same way as Jeff, swearing and cursing the papps. I tell him what I was going to do and tell him to go right back into the club. To pass on the word to the team even though I was going to send them a text.

I head up to my room and grab what fits in my bag. I didn’t have Harry’s room key so I decide he’d have to wear my hat and head back out. The vultures stay waiting, now just a few feet further away from the entrance.

I speak briefly to management—I figured Jeff could talk to them and give his classic earful.

On the drive I find a nearby hotel to the club and collect Harry to get him there. We’re too tense to talk when we meet up. Once inside again, I tell him to sit in the lounge while I go up to the desk.

Act above it all, I channel a rich bitch. We needed privacy and we needed nobody to know Harry was here.

“Hi I need a room.” I say.

“Of course, how many night will you be staying with us.”

I glance back to see where Harry sits. He’s in a wingback chair that’s mostly turned away and with his hair stuffed in the baseball cap you can hardly tell it’s him.

“Just a night. I need your best room please.”

“Absolutely,” the woman smiles and I feel bad for only giving a tight-lipped smile back. I wait as she clicks away, finally looking back to me with a slight frown. “So miss unfortunately we are very booked tonight. There are a couple events going on in the city making things very popular.”

“The best room will do. Preferably large.”

“Well,” she hesitates. “A lot of our larger rooms are taken um. I can offer you a bed with one king, it is a bit smaller because it’s by the elevators. I also have one with a queen that is tucked away in the corner with a better view.”

I wanted to be as far away from Harry as possible but by an elevator was asking for trouble.

“Well, I’d rather stay far away from noise so we’ll take the queen.”

“Is that just you or…” she glances at Harry.

“Yes. Two. We’ve had a rough day of travel he’s just resting.”

I hand over ID and my card, trying not to balk at the total. At least I’ll get reimbursed.

“Do you have any bags?” The concierge swoops in as I get the key card.

“No! No. Like I said, bad travel day. We just need somewhere to sleep and we’ll reunite with the bags once they arrive tomorrow.”

They leave us alone after that. I hoped it was because I’d been standoffish enough and not plain weird.

The elevator ride up to the 8th floor is stony and I spend the spare second to text Jeff and Graham the hotel’s address.

The room itself is pretty sub-par and the adrenaline of getting Harry here safely wears off.

I drop my bag by the door and pull out my toiletry bag.

“I don’t have clothes for you to change into, I didn’t have your room key.”

“Yeah. S’fine. I’ll just sleep shirtless unless that bothers you.”

We stare at each other for a tense moment.

“I’m fine with that, you’re the one with the high horse.”

After doing all this for him I wasn’t going to be easy to deal with if he wasn’t going to be easy to deal with.

He chooses to ignore me.

“How the fuck did they know I was staying there? We were under a-“

His phone rings and he answers. Sounds like Jeff.

I use the time to go to the bathroom and finally take off the makeup. I realize I should have grabbed my pjs from my bag too. I take my hair down and massage my scalp with my fingers, letting myself calm down despite the aggressive voices outside.

“Yeah whatever. Keep me updated.” I hear. Great. That was done with.

I leave the bathroom and Harry’s still pacing the floor.

“You’re gonna wear the carpet down if you keep doing that.”

He stops and looks at me, his eyes trail down my body.

“You didn’t bring yourself a change of clothes either?”

“You wish,” I head for my bag again and grab the tee and shorts. “I just forgot them out here.”

“Do you always have to be so snarky?”

Oh, so he wanted to fight. Good news for him, so did I.

“Depends. With you? When you’re being a dick? Yeah. I do.”

“It’s really quite unbecoming.”

“Is it?” I mock his accent. “It’s not proper for a lady to be snarky?”

“I don’t sound like that. You just never let anything go.” He continues.

“I never let anything go?” I repeat.

“Yeah! Ever!”

“What do you want me to let go?” I ask.

“Everything. You’re bothered by everything just let it all fucking go.”

“No like specifically what should I let go?” I turn on him and with each question I stalk towards him. “Being treated like trash by you? Being told I’m replaceable and unnecessary? Getting bossed around about who I can and can’t dance with because you suddenly decide to be the morality police!?”

“Jesus take it down a notch y/n.” We’re fuming as we square off. “I’m not your bloody fiancé.”

“And thank fuck you’re not!” I throw the clothes in my hand on the bed. “You’re my employer Mr. Styles and I’ve been nothing but a good fucking employee for the last year! I try to keep my patience and do everything I can to do my best! You’re the one always trying to blur lines! You’re the one always getting in my damn business when I don’t pay you to!”

With every accusation I poke my finger into his chest and it’s like literally pushing buttons. His face gets stonier and stonier until I’m sure he’s going to crack.

“You wanna know what your fucking issue is?” He swipes my hand away.

“Oh sure tell me, wise Harry Styles who definitely has no issues at all. Tell me.”

“This. This is your fucking issue,” he spits. “You’ve always got such a temper on you! I’m not blurring any bloody lines I check up on you and you get all offended over nothing!”

“Over nothing?” I ask. I laugh sarcastically and walk away from him. I was seeing red. “Over nothing?”

“Yes! I don’t do shite and suddenly you’re trying to bite my dick off.”

“You fucking wish,” I turn on him. “It’s crazy you don’t realize what an absolute jackass you are! We should be refunding all those fans who’ve come out to see you because the man they’re paying for is a fake! You’ve treated me like nothing and embarrassed me countless time-“

“Embarrassed you,” he scoffs.

“Yes!” I go on. “What do you call what you said on our way to Paris huh? You can be so cruel! So if I have a temper it’s justified because you’re one of the worst people I’ve met!”

“What did I say?”

“Are you kidding? You’re going to make me repeat it?” He was crazy. He was depraved and absolutely insane. Or he just hated me.

“I’m not playing a game just tell me!”

“You said I could have skipped the whole tour and nobody would notice.” I say the words that had looped through my head. And of course, he has the audacity to look surprised. “Thanks. A lot! It makes it even worse that you were so casual with your cruelt-“

“You need to stop being so sensitive,” he has the nerve to say. “Then maybe you can manage your temper.”

“I can manage my temper any time but you’re moody like a pre-pubescent teen and that looks to be a lifetime fucking problem!”

“What’s your fucking problem Y/n! What is your problem with me!? Why do you still work for me if you are this angry all the time!”

“I’m not this angry all the time, you just makes me this angry! And I hate you for it!”

“Then quit!”

“Maybe I will!” I had to. After tonight and this blowout I had to. How could I work for Harry like this.

“Great! Then you can take your problems with you.”

“Don’t gaslight me,” how dare he. “You’re not innocent in this! You create my problems and blame me for being this way.”

“Whatever y/n.”

“No.” I wasn’t letting him off the hook. I get in his face again. “Why did you stop me tonight? Why did you keep me from doing what I wanted tonight?”

“What? I told you I was looking out-“

“Bullshit!” I cut him off. “That’s a bullshit excuse, I want to know why!?”

I feel like I’m made of flames and in desperate need of a lobotomy. How could one guy make me this crazy. How could it all revolve around him.

“I was doing it for your own good! But clearly I understand why it’s so fucking complicated with your partner-“

“Don’t you dare talk about him,” I seethe. I was mad. Fuming. I want to get physical, I wish I could throttle him or at the very least access one of the pillows from across the room and smash it to the floor. I want him to see how angry I am because my words are twisted with every angle Harry could find. I wanted him to admit to something he’s been skirting for a long time. “Tell me.”

Harry stares at me with hate in his eyes and I know I have the same look. I wasn’t going to let him get away.

“You don’t even have the balls to admit it,” I poke. “Is this why you’re so hard-headed to anything I say? Because you can’t even admit something like this to yourself?”

“Just shut the fuck up y/n and stop being so mental.”

“I refuse to shut up. I want you to talk.”

His breathing gets faster and I watch him flex his hand. He was as angry as I was. Good.

“You’re a fraud. And I hate you.” I step into his space. Our bodies are a hair’s breadth away from each other’s. I want to show him how mad he makes me. I want to do something. I want him to admit this thing he’s been dancing around. It makes me so mad!

When he starts to shake his head at me I lose it. Instinct takes over where I want to physically show him how angry he was making me. I grab his face in my hands and push my mouth against his. I meet teeth.

But it doesn’t take long for him to respond. To correct the unadulterated anger with purpose.

He pushes back, kissing me harder whilst pushing me against the wall. I feel sandwiched, my chest crushed against his and I bite down on his lip trying to get back some control.

My hands are all over him, grabbing his shirt, running through his hair, pushing under his shirt to touch skin. Harry does the same, pulling at my hair and lifting me onto him.

Our tongues clash together, his hand grabs my ass, squeezing and moving up. His hands feel hot on my skin, his metal rings an icy contrast. Neither of us want to give up control. We keep fighting, just now with our bodies.

“Why can’t you ever just let it go,” he traces his teeth over my collarbone. It all feels too much.

In response I push him back, he stares at me for a heated second before we crash into each other again. We don't care where we are. All that mattered was here and showing the other who was in control. Who hated who the most.

Harry pulls away, his mouth a deep pink from our fight. His eyes are half lidded, his pupils dilated. I can tell he wants this but a part of him hesitates.

"We're doing this," I commit, not taking my eyes off his lips.

"I’m doing this," he growls and lifts me up, any hesitancy washed away. I wrap my legs around him, not thinking about anything but what I was going to do.

He whirls me around and deposits me onto the bed, and his body covers mine while his mouth attack my neck.

He wasn't gentle or slow, but then again, I didn't want him to be. I pull off his shirt, not wanting anything between us, not caring that my nails would leave marks down his back. Leaving something permanent on him sounded exactly what I needed.

I tug on his hair as his teeth come down on my chest. I feel heated as he swears, “Teasing me with this top all night was a fucking sin y/n.”

“Fuck off,” I gasp as he figures out the row of clasps at the front and the icy rings of his fingers presses against my sternum. I grit my teeth, “I didn’t wear this for you.”

His abs contract as he pushes himself back up, his eyes dark as his hands find the clasp on my trousers, undoing them with ease and tugging them off. His other hand comes back up to tilt my chin up.

“D’you really hate me?” He asks.

“Yes,” I respond with zero hesitation.

He moves his body, covering mine with his own again. My breath catches in my throat as he presses his lips to my neck, slowly moving down. He drives me crazy with anticipation and I wriggle up to keep up the pace but he holds me in place. I let out a moan as he kisses my inner thighs, his fingers gripping the tops of them. I'm squirming under his hold, the heat pooling inside of me.

“Do you hate me?” He asks again.

“Yes,” I cry, not wanting to relent to him.

“Good,” he says and that’s the last thing I remember.

The rest is a tangle of limbs, an out-of-body sensation, and seismic wave after wave coursing through my body. It’s unlike anything I’ve experienced before; the fury we felt with each other fuzes to the passion of the moment and it blitzes every damn thought out of my head.

Hours later, or maybe the whole night later—I don’t know but all I do know was that my body was spent and I was barely hanging on.

“I can’t,” I plant my hands on his shoulders and nearly pitch forward just from pausing. His hand splays on my back, keeping me in place as he turns us around.

“Okay?” He asks low.

I nod, grateful that he was taking over.

And after riding out what I know would be my last wave he rolls off of me, and we lay there just trying to catch our breaths.

After a few minutes, I sense him tilting towards me, his eyes on my face. When he stares for so long it becomes obvious, I look back at him.

His eyes are not the same ones that started this mess, they’re breezy meadows of green compared to the icy sea glass from before. But it’s not surprising. With each round and each minute we spent with other tonight, things had grown softer. Not gentle, but softer.

And as we look at each other with the awareness that the anger had bled into the threads of these tangled sheets a long time ago, we’re left with something neither of us want to distinguish. At least I don’t.

His gaze holds something too real for a place like this and I quickly look away and back at the ceiling. I feel his eyes on me a moment longer before he himself turns away to stare at the same ceiling.

“Y/N,” someone suddenly calls my name, tapping my cheeks with a gentle pat. I have to pull myself from the depths of wherever the fuck I just went to open my eyes and look up, at Harry. He looks concerned and asks me a question that I don’t register—I was truly out of it. I must have dozed off.

I push his hand away and grab the closest piece of clothing to wrap around myself in which ends up being a sheet. I take myself to the bathroom to clean up.

I hardly recognize the girl in the mirror. My eyes are blown out and my neck looks like it was rammed by a bull. I can hardly look at the rest of me. I would need to buy something high necked before we got picked up tomorrow morning and use all the concealer I had. I know I marked every inch of him I could find too.

I had never felt that level of passion with anyone. It was unnerving.

My knees collapse under me as I sit on the toilet and try to count the tiles on the opposite wall, just to come back to earth. To my body.

I sense a shadow under the door after I’m in there for a while, I watch it move from one side to the other and then move away. I wait longer, nearly falling asleep there before going back out.

The bed looks a right mess and most of the duvet is twisted to the side. I don’t bother with it, I use the sheet I’m wrapped in and crawl right into bed. Harry seems to have fallen asleep too but as I near sleep I feel the bed dip and the heavy weight of the duvet drapes over me.

I don’t have enough clarity or energy tonight to think about what any of this meant but I know I was right about leaving.

***

We return to London on a Wednesday morning and nearly kiss the ground. Harry was still playing two shows here but getting to go back home instead of a hotel room was enough to make us weep.

I didn’t really have a home to go back to. I’d been thinking about that a lot as the tour took us closer and closer to London. I had texted Gray yesterday and we agreed I could crash there until this weekend to get my stuff together.

London had a metaphorical grey fog over it in my mind. Nothing felt appealing about it and the only thing on my mind these days was home—my childhood home.

I already knew I was going to give in my resignation letter to Harry after tour but I had a 3 week period under contract. I don’t think I could afford a hotel for three weeks and staying with any of my friends is out of the question.

These thoughts kept me preoccupied.

It helped me not to think about that night though. I avoided Harry unless it was for work, returning to the solitude of my first few months working for him. He does the same: curt and avoidant. I know others notice but nobody dares to ask.

It was the most intense thing I’d done in my whole life and that was saying something. There was a way that Harry got under my skin that nobody else could. And it was hard to find a balance after the scales had shifted so far in that direction.

I felt like I had to block it out until I could have space to process it. And yet memories still seeped through when I was quiet for a moment too long or when he’d walk past me with the same cologne as that night and I’d catch a whiff. I was doubly sure this chapter had to close.

When I get back to the flat on Wednesday Gray has vanished as he promised. He told me he’d drop by that evening to talk. Surprisingly, I felt calm about it. I don’t know if it was getting all of that ferocious energy out that had been churning for months, but I feel level-headed and I appreciate the space to myself.

Gray texts me before he arrives. Like this wasn’t the flat he was now paying for alone.

I know what he wanted to talk about—we were all supposed to go to Harry’s last show at the o2 since I had tickets for everyone. Josie was stoked and based on the way she’s been texting me leading up to the day I don’t think she knew. Gray confirms it.

“So,” he rubs the back of his neck. He looked nice in a beanie and corduroy jacket. I wonder if any of the effort was for me, then vanish the thought.

“So,” I echo.

We stand awkwardly across from each other—him propping himself up behind the couch and me leaning against the dining table. Like we needed to get as much furniture between us. Like we hadn’t shared a bed a few weeks ago.

“We should sit?”

“Yeah,” he attempts a laugh and sits on the sofa. I choose the closest chair and turn it to face him. “Yeah. Um, I don’t know how you feel about Saturday. But I haven’t told Josie yet. I haven’t really told anyone.”

I nod, “Me too. Not really. People at work think we’re on a break.”

“Right. Good.” He says. “I’m not tryna lie to people but I don’t really want to get into it…”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “So Josie?”

“I’ll let her know once…once you move out?”

Move out. Of this flat. It’s been home for nearly 3 years.

Gray had surprised me with it when he found it—I had been broke and only been able to pitch in for utilities and groceries but he’d been gracious. He’d been supportive once. But I guess his support had boundaries too. I didn’t entirely blame him for that.

“Sounds good. Or later, maybe when she’s done her exams.”

He leans back on the couch, arms spread over the back and sighs as he studies me. “Yeah of course. I should’ve thought of that. You’re always good at that stuff. She’s gonna be gutted.”

I nod. Not sure what to say to that.

“So you’ll be out on Saturday yeah?” He asks after a while. It seemed both of us had a lot on our minds. But his question stings a little.

“Yep. I’m off for most of the week so I’ll just pack things up. Uhm, with Josie and whatnot I guess we’re still acting like a couple? Will that be weird?”

“Yeah. It will be but we’ve got no other option.”

“Right.” I respond. His voice grows an edge I’m not a fan of. “Well. Thanks for letting me stay here. If you need anything else I guess you can grab it now.”

I want to ask how he’s doing, who he’s staying with, and just hold his face one last time to really remember. But his cold apathy grows like frostbite over the room and creeps into my heart. I always thought where there was love there would always be love but I’m not as sure tonight.

I stay busy and when I can’t sleep at night; I map out a dream, an exit plan home. I write up my resignation letter, I look at flights and rentals and talk things out with my family, I cancel wedding and couple shit, and grieve a fair bit.

On Friday afternoon, my only formal shift this week, I head to Harry’s with an anxious weight in my chest and a buzz in my head from the hope. Hope that this chapter of my life could end soon, and I can head home and recuperate and plan out what my life was going to look like.

Harry’s on a call when I get in. He spares me a glance but I head to the office with my stack of mail. Today was mostly for some housekeeping/admin but I hope to avoid Harry for the most part like I’ve done since that night. My letter sits like a bar of gold in my bag.

I hear him move about the flat. I restock some pantry items, and we speak as little as possible. Going with him to his meeting was my final task for today so I decide it’s a good time to hand in my letter.

I find him sitting in the studio, tapping a pen against the table.

“Mr. Styles?”

“Hm?” He drags his eyes away from his screen to look at me.

“So we’re heading to your meeting in 10. Before then I just wanted to hand this in.”

The envelope stays outstretched in my hand and he eyes it, not taking it.

“What is that?”

“Can you just take it?” I shake it a little, like a bag of treats for a puppy.

His muscles move one inch every ten seconds, that’s how slow he is to sit up in his seat and finally take the letter from my hands. I almost let out a big sigh of relief. The process was finally in place.

“What is it?” He asks again, tearing the corner and down the side like he usually did.

I wait for him to unfold the thirds before answering, “my resignation letter.”

His eyes scan the sheet left to right right to left and when he looks up at me it’s hard to say what he’s thinking.

“Is this a joke?”

“No? Obviously not? I’m handing in my 3 weeks. I’ll also email a copy to Jeff and you.”

“Why are you doing this?” He stands, his tall frame rigid.

“Why? Because I’m…I’m quitting? I think I’ve learned everything I could here a-and it’s time to move on.”

By here I don’t mean working for Harry Styles and co but just here as in London. I’ve learned a fuck ton of life lessons here, and it was time to process them elsewhere.

“Is this to get back at me somehow? I don’t understand,” the papers crinkle in his fist as he grips it tighter. “Do you want a raise? Can we talk about this?”

“No.” I say and even though there’s so much more I could say I think that sums up my answer.

He looks puzzled, then annoyed. Just then my phone buzzes. The car was downstairs.

I grab my laptop and we head down. I was coming along to take minutes and then head home. In the car I reassure Harry,

“I plan on wrapping things up in the next three weeks and making sure everything is set up for an easy transition. I’ll leave continuity notes and reach out to people I regularly communicate with to break the news. The next couple months are pretty easy anyway coming out of tour and going on holiday so there should be plenty of time for the new PA, whoever your hire, to catch up.”

He doesn’t say a word. It reminds me of our first drive to the studio together. How naïve I was. How things changed.

He continues staring out the window, resting his face on his fist. I remember my teeth dragging over that jaw. I blink the image away; this was why I had to go.

When we get to Graham’s office Harry tells Jeff, “we don’t need minutes.”

Jeff looks over at me for answers and I shrug. I guess I came here for no reason but at least I had my laptop to work.

“Uh y/n please come i-“

“She’s fine working out there,” Harry cuts Graham off. Graham looks offended, his gaze drawing between Harry and I. Again, I shrug. I wasn’t leaving today I don’t know why he was acting like it.

For the next hour or so I sit at a spare cubicle and do just as I said in the car. I type out lists for upcoming interviews and studio days. I send emails for information to note for whoever the poor person was to replace me.

I had been keeping the Dos and Don’ts updated over the last year and it feels like a baby the way it came together with so much thought. I was almost sad to part with it.

Nobody tells me the meeting is over. The door simply opens and Harry breezes past.

“I’ll be in the car.” He mutters. Any faster and I would have to hold down the papers around me.

When he’s gone beyond sight, I turn back to the open door.

“What’s the matter with him?” I hear Graham asking inside.

“You keep pushing him,” Jeff responds with irritation. “That’s not his brand Graham.”

“Well that’s a different tune. Prior to this you were singing my praises with these new ideas.”

“I don’t know. Something’s been up with him for…a while-“

“Since that article isn’t it?” Graham references the Harry Styles slander when we were in Spain. Little did they know other things had also happened.

“We dealt with that article.”

Shit, I think. Has he been any different? I think I was keeping too much distance from him to notice.

“Y/n,” my name snaps me out of my thoughts.

“Mhm?” I’m beckoned to the meeting room. “Yes?”

“Find out what’s wrong with him. Or better yet just convince him to be a bit more alive at his last show tomorrow with his usual charm? He hasn’t been his full capacity the last few shows has he?”

Shit. “Um. Burnout?”

The two men look at each other. They make a face like that couldn’t possibly be why. I tell the men what they want to hear, that I’d try to find out and get him back to his charming self (yuck) before joining Harry in the car.

“Jeff and Graham aren’t all that happy with you,” I say when we start driving. Harry was giving me a lift home. “They’re insisting you do it right at your final tomorrow. Be your charming self.”

He grunts in response, head facing the window again. Was he allergic to look forward in the car or something?

“Are you coming?” He asks after a good ten minutes of silence.

“Tomorrow?”

“Mhm.”

“Yeah. I gave my extra tickets to…my fiance,” my brain fumbles my words as it remembers what he was and now is. And the lie I had to keep up. “And his sister and her friend.”

He just nods in acknowledgement, somehow stonier.

When the car pulls up to my familiar building I thank his driver and begin my shimmy out but Harry puts a hand to my knee to stop me. His touch sears right through my stockings and he must feel it too because he slides his hand back.

“Answer this,” he looks at me for the first time tonight. Wow, this really did feel like my first week on the job.

“Sure,” I reply.

“Is it because of that night?”

It’s the first time it’s been mentioned, and his gaze burns brighter than a forest fire. It’s mesmerizing and I can’t look away.

Wait, he wanted an answer.

“It’s because of a lot of things,” I answer truthfully.

He clenches his jaw. Leans back in his seat. The seatbelt reverses to hold him in place again and he’s no longer looking at me. I take that as my cue to go.

***

Josie bursts into the flat dressed to the nines in a groovy floral jumpsuit and boas in her hand. “Don’t worry. I have one for each of us.”

Her friend trails behind her in an equally 70s inspired look.

“That’s what you’re wearing?” Josie judges her brother’s hoodie and jeans. “You’re lowering the vibe Gray do better. Y/n? Why didn’t you brief him?”

“I did!” I eye Gray. “Don’t blame me.”

This was way more awkward than I thought. Or I really was not as good of an actress as I wished.

“What am I supposed to wear?” Gray asks. “I’m not wearing a jumpsuit.”

Josie rolls her eyes. “Y/n please drag him back and find a decent tee or something?”

“Yes ma’am,” I take Gray by the arm and take him back.

“This is kinda weird hey?” I whisper when we close the door.

“I don’t really like it either,” Gray scratches his head. “But it’s for the best.”

I nod and then louder announce, “Well it’s Jo’s night so find something a tad more retro?”

We end up with a red tee and find a belt to tie the look. Josie hugs her brother with thanks when she sees it.

I had on a pair of black bellbottoms paired with a blank tank. My hair was in spacebuns and Josie plucks a few boa feathers to accessorize my hair. It’s cute.

We head off and I have to make a conscious effort to remember my mannerisms with Gray before all this. I feel woozy while I slide my hand into his on the ride there, as Josie snaps our pics on her disposable, as she tells us to get one of us where Gray’s kissing my cheek and she’ll save it to show our kids. It makes me sick.

He keeps an arm on my waist as we walk. I want this night to be over so bad but every time I look Josie’s way I perk back up a little. I wanted her to enjoy this.

And she does. I’m sure she’s lost her voice by the end of the concert. At one point we drift away a little and breathe easier to drop the act but when she’s back Gray wraps his arms around me from behind and we act like a happy couple. Again, I felt sick.

Being in Gray’s arms held none of the spark it used to. I just feel awkward and sad.

At one point Harry looks my way, I don’t know how he spotted me in such a big crowd. It’s between songs and he looks at the group I’m with. I give a pathetic wave and he nods ever so slightly, his gaze sliding off soon after. Gray’s arm tightens around my shoulder and my heart gives a squeeze in response. I’m reminded: this era was ending.

The band told me to meet them backstage at the end, to join in on the final-show celebration. Josie and Gray would wait at a local pub and with the way Josie’s Instagram stories were glowing I could imagine her sitting there uploading it all.

“I couldn’t have done it without any of you,” I catch Harry saying as I slip behind stage with my pass. “I know I’ve not been the easiest to be with but you all sit in my heart. This is our Euro tour, concluded.”

Somebody pops bubbly and I congratulate the whole team as they drink. They insist on going out for proper drinks and I’m denied not going. They tell me to invite my guests to party with them and I know, based on where we were going, Josie was going to flip.

Juniper, a club that gets us all in on Harry’s face card, is opulent and lively on the inside. Josie is buzzing about with her friend—Gray had opted to go home, claiming he had early morning sessions. Josie didn’t think twice about him, but we pretended to go back and forth with a final warning from Gray to Josie to behave.

“He’s a broody one,” Charlie comments on Gray as we chatter while we get drinks. “Sister?”

“Yeah. Doesn’t know yet though so,” I put my finger to my lip.

“So no Barcelona dancing tonight?” Sarah teases. I laugh and tell them to keep me tamed. “We gotta do some shots with the team though where is everyone?”

We gaze around the room and manage to get everyone together. After one round of shots and another that Harry forced on all of us I feel the tension I’ve been carrying with me most days slide away.

We end up sticking together as a group and dance together, laughing and cheering each other on. Even Harry’s in a cheery mood—I suspect the alcohol. I catch him watching me at one point and when I raise my brow he takes my hand and spins me in a friendly twirl. I trip on my wide-legged pants and he catches me from behind. With my back to his chest I have the urge to turn around and kiss him and feel the peculiar comfort I had received from him before. That thought drives me away from him again. Despite the tight knit group there’s too much between us to even attempt being close.

I call it quits when Josie finds me and announces she was going home. I hug the newfound family I had made over the last few months one final goodbye, knowing I might never see them together like this again.

***

Jeff’s reaction to my news surprises me the most. He’s visibly upset and tries to sell me anything to stay. I tell him there was nothing to keep me at my job but I would rely on him for a good reference. I think it’s the first time he’s ever reassured me.

Between Harry and I it remains curt. Sometimes even edgy. I post my own job replacement and Jeff keeps me updated on potential candidates. By the time my last week rolls around I’m host to a roil of emotions.

The first week homeless, Charlie had let me crash on her couch and promised not to say a word to anyone. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome and so I had checked into a hotel and called it home for now.

I’m on my way back home to the hotel after being at Gray’s. We’d invited Josie over for dinner now that her exams were over and she’d been suspicious from the start.

We had told her the truth and she refused to believe it, hurt and betrayal in her eyes as she looked at me and realized she had been kept in the dark for the last week. I felt worse then, than I did when Gray and I called it quits.

I promised her a lunch together this week to talk more. Just because I was out of Gray’s life didn’t mean I had to be out of hers. I thought I could also tell her then that I was leaving to go back home.

On my second last day at work, Harry sends me on an errand near the end of the day. When I get back there’s a small group of friendly and familiar faces waiting to surprise me. I’m touched by the gesture, and I try to corner Harry to say thank you but it feels he avoids me at every chance, always in a larger crowd.

I finally catch him while I’m heading out of the bathroom and he’s heading down the hall.

“Oh hey,” I step in his way. He looks cornered. “I just wanted to say thanks for throwing this.”

“Yeah,” he gestures it was nothing. “It was Jeff’s idea.”

Ouch. I hide the sting. “Well. Thanks regardless.”

He nods, staying mute, but his eyes speak a thousand words—just none that I can read. They stay trained on me, communicating whatever.

Slowly the furrow between his brows eases and the sharp edges of his face give way to a softened expression. I’m scared to move in case I break the trance and don’t get to hear whatever his racing thoughts spit out. Just when it looks like he’s about to say something, a guest turns the corner up the hall.

“Anyone in the toilet?” It was Mitch. Damnit.

“Nope,” I step out of the way, inadvertently brushing Harry. A shiver runs up my spine and I try to act casual but he stiffens beside me. Was it that awful being around me, jeez.

I give up. If he wanted to continue staying moody, so be it. I leave to go back to the party and don’t look back.

My final days in London are hard. The same way I arrived, I go: alone and unsure of what’s ahead.

I always thought here was where I would stay forever. And maybe one day I would return but there was a little too much friction between me and the Capital.

I finish work on an unremarkable note after going through processes with the new hire, and dotting all of my i’s. Harry is nowhere to be seen and I’m gone before he gets back. I’m frustrated that he’s behaving this way but there’s also too much between us for the simple goodbye I yearn for.

I visit all of my old favourites, have one last drink at my old local pub somewhere in between Gray’s flat and Harry’s. I shed a lot of tears on my pilgrimage through the city’s veins. I promise the paved and cobblestone roads I would be back one day.

The walls of my lungs ease open on the flight home. Still, tears cascade down my face silently as the plane sleeps. Eventually I do too. When I wake the sky is filled with bright blinding sunrise, and American soil peeks out below me: I was finally home.

••••••••••••••••••••

Present (2 years on):

My heart flutters seeing Harry here, I chalk it up to anxiety. But it annoys me that despite all the distance and the growth, he still had an effect on me.

Harry’s head turns and before I can be smart about it our eyes lock. His eyebrows raise ever so slightly before his face falls into a nonchalant facade again. I don’t even want to know what my face looked like.

Then he gets the nerve to smirk, hang his head, and then grab his drink and walk towards me.

“If I had a cross I would be holding it up right now.” I have to shout a little so he hears me before he gets to me. He was an emotional vampire feeding on all of mine.

“Now why’s that?” He continues towards me. My emotions swirl through me. “I thought time heals all wounds. Why the unfriendly welcome Mrs. Duran?”

I grit my teeth at the name, he was still filled with poison. “Right, the timeless wisdom of clichés.”

“I like to think I’m pretty timeless.” He smiles.

“I’ve found that time may heal wounds, but scars make sure you never forget.”

“Well, scars aside, you look good,” he moves on and I feel like an idiot the way I was used to feeling around him.

“Of course I do.”

“What are you doing in London? Last I checked I was getting a reference check from America.”

I debate not answering him but I was trying to straddle the line between indifference and confidence. It was like walking a tightrope.

“I’m in London for a little while,” I give vaguely.

“Ah,” he smiles and damnit I forgot how handsome he could be. How handsome could then turn into seductive so quickly. I had to remember: Still a devil. “Are you looking for a new employer? Because I could be hiri-“

“No.” I cut him off. “I finally have a job I love so I’m good.”

Something flickers in his eyes but surprisingly he stays quiet.

“What are you doing here?” I ask. I sort of wish I still had a drink in my hand, they feel awkward and clunky and I want to avoid playing with my hair. Gah. “Global star drinks alone at his local bar?”

He laughs but I can tell I hit a minor nerve. “Here I’m just a local. Always have been—it’s nice to be anonymous for a little bit.”

I roll my eyes. I didn’t believe that for a second. He loved his fame and everything that came with it.

Plus I used to come here all the time, I would’ve known if my employer was a local too. He was lying for some reason.

“Mr. Styles if there’s one thing I remember about you, you’d choose death over anonymity.”

“Firstly,” he leans in and I get a whiff of his usual cologne with a hint of malt. “A person can change a lot. So maybe you don’t know me as much as you think you do-“

“Oh I don’t think anyone can change that drastically in only a year-“

“You seemed to have.”

His words take mine out of my mouth. I hadn’t changed, not really. I’d always been this y/n but the further I got away from him the more reassured I had gotten being that y/n.

“And secondly,” he continues before I could think of a response. “You no longer work for me. Harry is fine.”

The smile he throws me is almost sweet if I didn’t know the cruelty that could hide underneath. I don’t return the smile, I only raise my brow and look back down at my phone. My cell service hasn’t gotten any better and I’d missed the wifi password.

I could connect to Harry’s wifi, ask him so that I could order an uber.

I’d rather van gogh my ear.

I weigh all my options and consider the last one again. I look up to see what Harry was doing in the silence and find him looking at me. A shiver runs up my spine as our eyes clash. So much history and words unspoken fall in between. A very specific night flashes through my mind. I wonder if it does him because he looks down first. Damn.

“So I’ve gotta get going,” I say.

“Let me buy you a drink.” He says at the same time.

He laughs awkwardly and repeats, “One drink?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“We’re not drinking buddies.” I pull my purse to my chest, wanting to hop off this stool and run home if I need to. Put as much distance between myself and this man that was put on this earth to confuse me.

“Then what are we y/n?” He asks, his voice silky smooth as he leans in. The voice that whispered sweet nothings into my ear in my worst nightmares, nightmares of cotton sheets and heated limbs, of passion and shame.

“Ex-employer,” I point to him. I point to myself, “Ex-employee.”

“Exes have drinks together,” he grins full well knowing the double meaning.

“Never ends well,” I eye the door.

“Just as stubborn as I remember.”

“And you were saying people change?” I raise my brow.

He drops the smile and sighs, “I’m not gonna be able to convince ya am I?”

I shake my head. He should know that by now.

“Can I walk you out at least?”

I shrug, couldn’t hurt.

“What is this?” I ask as he opens the door for me.

“What?”

“This? Why are you trying to be so friendly?”

“I thought we could be friendly exes.”

And when did he get so cheeky.

“Something weird is going on,” I watch him stay in step with me as I walk up. With no service I was going to take the tube. “And I don’t like it.”

“Nothing weird is going on don’t get all paranoid on me.”

“Don’t call me paranoid! You never call a woman paranoid.”

“I thought that was conspiracy theorists?”

“Nooo. You’re being weird.”

"Alright, no need to get all Freudian on me. Just trying to be a decent human here."

I shake my head, somehow in our exchange my face had decided it was okay to smile. To forget what he put me through and remember instead that when things were good between us we actually got along.

Damnit. The devil knew how to play tricks. I wipe the smile off my face while he continues walking with me.

“So…what have you been up to?” He asks.

“Working, you know me.” I say after trying to figure out what his angle was but unable to find one.

“Oretta Smith I hear, how did you manage that?”

“I’m just that good Harry,” I say. His name is weird in my mouth. Sure I called him that in my head but I usually used Mr. Styles. I can tell he feels the same with his quick glance my way.

“How do you like that?”

“Yeah, she’s a great employer like I said. Very professional. Lots of flexibility.” Each praise is a knock to his ego. But it was all true, plus with Winnie joining the team I had a friend my age that felt great.

But there was also a darker side called burnout that I barely admitted to myself. Ever since we landed in London and I had time to orient my new self in a city that molded my old self, I felt the familiar singe of purposeless. But I keep it to myself of course.

“Great.” Harry responds curtly. “What about yourself? How’s your life, are you finally married?”

My instinct is to raise my defences and chew him out, he must know Gray and I were done what with me living in the States.

And yet, when I peer past the defences and take a long hard look at him I realize he is asking earnestly and without another angle.

We’re nearing the tube now. I hesitate in lying or telling the truth.

“We broke up,” I choose to confess. I peek at him and he looks surprised, even sorry.

“I didn’t know. Sorry.”

“I’d hope not,” I reply. “Otherwise you’d be an asshole calling me Mrs. Duran.”

He huffs an awkward laugh.

“Anyway this is me—

“I can give you a ride home—wherever that is right now?” He asks.

We’re stood in front of the glass doors. There’s not a lot of people this time of night. And as tempting as his offer was, the way he looks at me right now sends poisonous butterflies to my stomach and I think it’s best I get home for the big day tomorrow and not make any regrets.

“I’m not too far,” I lie. I point a thumb to the doors behind me. “I’m just gonna…”

“Yeah. Yeah right.” He’s awkward, which is a first. He clears his throat and stuffs his hand into his pocket. I watch him with a removed sort of curiosity. Eventually he coughs out his question. “How long are you in London for?”

“A few weeks,” I reply.

He finally meets my eyes again—and there goes my stomach. He was supposed to have zero effect on me, I was supposed to stay mad at him. Why was my body betraying me? Why did it continue to loop memories from that night and remind me of the things he whispered in the dark?

“A few weeks,” he murmurs back.

His gaze travels over my face openly, no longer holding back the barely-hidden expressions from before. Because I told him Gray and I weren’t a thing? Because I was entertaining whatever bullshit this was?

“Yep,” I nod. Awkward. Nervous. Cautious.

“My number’s the same,” his eyes snap back to mine. “If you want to go for that drink later.”

“Harry,” I try to break it to him another way. I wish I could just say I never want that drink. “I don’t think-“

“Don’t think,” he cuts me off. He laughs when I furrow my brows. “I mean, I’m right here for most of the next few weeks. When you feel like you want to have that drink just give me a call. Or text.”

Why, I want to ask him. Why, after all this time, after everything that happened? And it’s like he reads my mind in the silence.

“I know you left on a pretty poor note.” He shuffles his feet. “I know a lot of that was my fault. I apologize for that. Um, but I did enjoy having you around. You were excellent at your job and…you are missed. Even Jeff remembers you fondly. Which is saying something.”

This was some sort of prank. Or Harry had gotten so famous he now had a doppelgänger roaming the streets as him. It couldn’t be that Harry, my Harry, would say something so sentimental and so…genuine.

“So uh yeah, I would love to see you again while you’re in town.” He says when I don’t respond.

“Right.” I choke out.

He shrugs when I can’t bring myself to say anything more. “We do change, whether you believe it or not y/n.”

I swallow, hoping to lubricate my vocal cords and find my voice. “I-I really do have to go.”

Crestfallen, he nods. His hand comes up to touch my elbow. “Yeah ‘course. Just…think about it?”

I look down at his hand and he lets go, we stay in another bubble of silence. His eyes flicker down to my lips and I feel a wave of warmth as I try not to do the same.

“Goodnight,” I blurt and get to the other side of the glass doors. He watches me go.

On the escalator down I risk a glance back and he’s still there, watching until I’m out of sight. That ended incredibly awkward.

Leave it up to Harry to confuse me in coming back into my life. Damn him, he could never be consistent.

***

Waking up super early to catch the train out to Cambridge is so worth it because I get to watch Josie walk the stage and graduate with distinction wearing her famous smile that beams over the vast room.

Despite what happened with Gray and I, Josie and I have kept in touch steadily over the last year. It started as weekly facetimes which reduced down to monthly calls and have now become a steady stream of texts and memes swapped back and forth.

When she found out I’d be in London around her graduation dates she gave me no choice but to show up, sending me a ticket without asking.

I knew I’d see Gray, and a part of me was nervous and curious how that was going to go. But mostly I was grateful to still be in Josie’s life and spend time with her in person. She was the part of this life I missed most.

I’m sat somewhere in the middle of the room and Josie was smart enough not to seat me with the rest of her guests. But I know I would see everyone during photos and the dinner we were having later on. I try keep my focus on the ceremony however.

“Y/N!” Josie rushes towards me when she sees me after the ceremony. The group she departs from I recognize is a mix of her girl friends, her family, and a few others.

“Josie!” I return the same energy and she leaps into my arms. I squeeze her tight to me. “I’m soo proud of you my girl.”

We sway side to side, until we get enough hug.

“Look at you!” She exclaims when she leans back. “Your hair looks amazing and you are glowing. Please tell me you have a boy in your life.”

“No,” I laugh.

“A girl?” She asks hesitantly.

“No! I’m just…happy where I am right now! How about you look at you! You look phenomenal as per.”

“Oh thanks,” she takes the compliment and giggles. “I asked my dad to grad gift me a salon and spa visit so I am rejuvenated and blown out.”

“Aren’t you ever,” I touch a lock of her hair. “Congratulations.”

“Eek!” She squeals. “Finally finished this hellscape! I can’t wait to never write an exam again—ooh wait I want you to meet my boy…”

“So that’s why we’re actually glowing,” I tease as she tugs me towards the group. That definitely has Gray. My stomach drops the closer we get, he doesn’t seem to notice. He looks busy talking to one of Josie’s friends.

“Anyway,” she deposits me in front of a 6 foot something guy made of angles. “This is Jax. My boyfriend. We met during a Friendsgiving Myles threw last year.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jax smiles. “Y/N right?”

“Yes!”

“I was supposed to get around to that,” Josie huffs.

“Sorry she talked about you a lot when she found out you were coming. She was really excited.”

“Ugh,” she turns to me like she was embarrassed but her face is glowing. Josie was in looove.

“You two are so cute,” I tease which just makes Josie blush a little harder. “So are we getting any pictures?”

“Oh yeah,” Jax swivels his head. “Liliya has the good camera if you want to get-“

“Oh we can use our phones,” Josie cuts him off.

“No get the high res one—Liliya, camera?” Jax motions a shuttering action to the friend Gray was talking to. He’s so tall above the crowd that both look up at him and comply.

“Y/N,” Josie drags my arms back and takes me on the outskirt of the crowd. “I’m so sorry I never mentioned because I thought you wouldn’t come if I did tell you but you-“

“Y/N?”

Josie’s rushed whispers are cut short when Gray notices me and calls my name. He looks stupefied. I spare a glance to Josie and she’s paled.

She didn’t tell him.

“Hey,” I force a friendly tone. I was going to kill that girl.

“Did you all want a photo?” Josie’s friend Liliya shoulders her way back into the circle with the camera on a strap. She turns to Gray, “Babe?”

It’s an odd sensation, like all oxygen has left my lungs and they’re being squeezed as if tightened in a vice. Gray’s eyes drag away from me to his…girlfriend? Definitely not Josie’s friend.

It shakes me in the moment how much I realize I still cared, still carried a shred of hope for…something. And not consciously knowing this makes this moment feel a little like a slap in the face.

What did I think? I was going to leave this country for a year and people were going to pause where I last left them? Of course Gray’s moved on. Aside from the end he was a great partner and anybody would want that.

These thoughts race through my head in the few seconds Gray responds to his girlfriend and I look at Josie. She looks guilty as charged.

“I tried to tell you just now?” She whispers.

Deep breaths, I remind myself. You’re not the hot-headed y/n these people knew last. This day is not about you. It’s about Josie.

“It’s cool. Let’s get some photos,” I smile. “Don’t want to miss having them with you.”

She sighs but keeps her eyes on my face as we walk farther out.

“I am really sorry,” she whispers.

“Hey it’s alright,” I lie. This was the worst of it—Gray had moved on, had a great girlfriend, and I was living the life I wanted. No harm and no foul. “Honestly Jo I get it, you wanted me here reallllly bad.”

“I did!” She says. “But I’m also gonna kill Jax.”

I laugh and we straighten up when we realize the camera was already pointed at us. Josie flashes her degree and a few of her friends join the pictures too. We hustle back to Gray to see them and flipping back on the first few makes my breath catch in my throat. There’s one in particular where Josie is turned to me talking and my mouth is in a big grin because I’m laughing.

I catch eyes with Gray in an uncomfortably intimate second.

“Send me that one for sure wow Gray that’s a really good shot.”

“Oh wow,” his girlfriend peers over. “That’s a great candid.”

“Yeah,” I agree. I’d love a copy too. And of course that’s when Gray’s girlfriend notices me and introduces herself.

“I don’t think we’ve met—is that an American accent I detect?”

“It is,” I smile. “I’m Y/N.”

“Oh!” Two spots of pink appear on her face. It seems she’s heard of me. “Well it’s nice to meet you—nice that Josie invited you! I’m Liliya but Lily works too.”

“C’mon!” Josie interrupts the awkward by grabbing her brother’s arm and pushes him in the direction of where her friends are posing for photos. He takes some shots but Josie hates the look of them and gives the camera to Lily instead.

With just Gray and I left behind it grows very awkward.

“I thought Josie told everyone I would be-“ I say just as he says, “I didn’t realize you would be-“

We stop and chuckle awkwardly.

“Sorry,” I shake my head.

“No,” he shrugs. “It’s cool. It’s cool you’re here actually.”

“Okay,” is all I can say. Until the awkward silence stretches. “So…Liliya?”

“Yeah. Yeah, Liliya. You?”

I want to lie, but I shake my head. “No. Sorta needed the year to breathe a little.”

“Fair. How’s America?”

“Oh y’know, still super-sized and politically a guessing game.”

“Have you turned on our news while you’ve been down at all?” He raises a brow. I laugh because he was right. It was all a shitshow everywhere.

He asks me about my family as Josie jogs up to us.

“Okay, tell me the truth is my hair going flat?”

“No,” I look behind her where her friends are hovering over Lily and the camera going over their photos.

“Good. Where’s mum and dad?” Josie asks Gray. “Dad was just here 10 minutes ago he said he’d come by for—oh there’s mum! Look!”

We turn to where she points. Michelle—what I’ve always called Gray’s mom, spots her daughter at the same time and waves. She starts to walk towards us.

It’s nice to see her but I also feel a bit nervous; going cold turkey on relationships you only had because of an ex are always weird to come back to. Especially ones you were fond of.

“Mum! You’re missing all the pictures!” Josie says. “Where’ve you been!?”

“I just saw somebody I knew back from my first job as a librarian can you believe that?” Michelle says as she joins the group.

“Crazy. Well mum look who got to show up today! Isn’t that crazy too?”

Michelle looks at me and the bright smile that was intended for her daughter dies like a flower in overnight frost. The look wipes the anticipation off my face.

“Who?”

That one word shades the sun from the sky and brings forth a gust of western winds through the group.

“Mum,” Josie look between me, her mum, and Gray. She’s confused. “Y/N?”

“Hey Michelle,” I croak. Maybe my hair was too different for her to recognize me, or maybe she had early onset alzheimers. Surely this woman who I’ve had a better relationship with than her own son has wouldn’t be treating me like your worst frenemy at your high school reunion.

But Michelle looks right through me. I can’t explain how it feels, not in the moment. I’m gutted, and feel an unexplainable wave of sadness.

“Mum…” Josie sounds hurt and Gray finally decides to swoop in.

“Mum let’s check out the photos we took already. We gotta get some of the three of us.”

They walk away and I feel seven inches tall but I turn to Josie with a brave face and face her teary one.

“That was kind of awkward,” I downplay.

“Y/N I’m honestly so sorry I-,” Josie blinks rapidly.

“No it’s ok!”

“I don’t know why she acted like that-“

“Hey It’s natural for her to feel that way I’m alright don’t get upset-“

“It’s not alright though! That was such a…she never acts like that.”

It was true. Michelle was a free-spirit as she called herself. That’s why Gray had such a hard relationship with her; in his words, she was too emotional and ungrounded for him.

Yet apparently, she was able to find enough ground to stand on when it came to treating me like a nobody. I wonder if it’s because she heard Gray’s biased side of the story or she was hurt herself—still, the way she’s always talked about herself never struck me as someone who would believe a one-sided story. Or be a bitch to someone they previously called their daughter. It hurt like a mofo.

I didn’t want Josie to find out this way, here of all places, that her mom was just human after all. She idolized that woman.

So even though it hurt, I comfort her instead.

“She probably just feels betrayed by me leaving and stuff since we were close too. Imagine if Jax broke up with you and she gave him the cold shoulder—wouldn’t you feel justified?”

Josie scrunches her brows to think about the simplified story I’ve just fed her to feel better. I can tell it still doesn’t sit well with her but she nods in acceptance, “I guess.”

“Yeah, just forget it Josie. Plus you’ve got pictures to take so dry those eyes.”

“Shit I know,” she blinks some more. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to invite you here and twist the knife at every bloody turn.”

“Jo I’m honoured to get to be here and see all your hard work pay off. Don’t worry about anything else.”

“It’s unfair,” she says before she drifts to her group of friends. “I feel like nobody understands how…how understanding you are. But I’m really glad we’re still in touch. And you came for me.”

Her words bring tears to my eyes and I nod, afraid that talking would bring them forward. I watch her crash her group and start instructing photo coordination. I help hold things for people while they take photos and feel like a stranger outside the crowd. If it weren’t for Josie, I think I would have regretted coming here. I feel homesick and unwanted. A tough combo.

I was supposed to crash on someone’s couch tonight and do brunch with Josie tomorrow before going back to London but from the last half hour alone I know I’m going back to the city no matter how late it gets tonight. I think of the hotel room that was home right now, of how lonely that was going to feel to go back to too.

Home right now was in America, in the same time zone as my family, and comfortable in my shared apartment with one of my high school best friends who I reconnected with after going back home. I miss it so bad. And I feel like I’ve bitten into an unripe fruit coming back to the UK before I was ready apparently. My experience feels soured.

I shake off the doom and gloom when the party breaks. We were all going to meet at the restaurant at 6–my plan was to explore the university city and find a place to kill some time in. Maybe go outside to a park with lunch. Josie tries to convince me to join her and her friends for their mid-day celebration but I lie and tell her I had some work to do.

I call Winnie on my stroll through the city. I insist she update me on last night first, and she has more to tell—the guy had a yacht and he was inviting her to a party tonight. She tells me to join if I came back early and we cross our fingers that Oretta wouldn’t need her before then.

I originally called her to rant about Michelle and Gray but I don’t, I didn’t want to kill her vibe. So I scroll through my other contacts but don’t want to worry my mom and it was too early back home to reach anyone else.

My eyes catch on Harry’s name, he was at the top of my texts currently because he sent me a link this afternoon asking me for thoughts on it. I hadn’t opened it yet, I wasn’t sure what to think about this new persona he was wearing or that he thought yesterday’s run-in went okay enough to casually message me for my thoughts.

I remember the weird electricity of yesterday and shove my phone back into my pocket.

He genuinely wanted to have a drink? And talk??

I did enjoy having you around. You were excellent at your job and you are missed.

Was he trying to make up for his cruel words? But he also seemed a lot more mellow than before. Maybe that was just because I didn’t work for him. What did he want? And was I twisted for believing the new schtick?

Most curious of all was him at the pub in the first place. He was not a local there—that was a big lie.

I try to conjure up my previous hatred, calling him the Devil in my head. But it’s harder to do. Seeing him yesterday, he was just a man standing in front of a woman with a head full of cautionary tales and bad experiences.

Without warning images from that night come back and I feel my heart flutter. I shut them down just as quick. Not all bad, my body tries to remind me. I tell it to shut up.

I’ve barely stepped foot in this country again and already my mind was running circles around my heart. How exhausting.

***

I’m early to the restaurant, before anyone else apparently. As the hostess finds my name on her floor plan Josie comes in behind me with Jax.

“Oh! Y/n you’re early!” She seems flustered.

“Yeah I didn’t think I would be,” it was only a few minutes to 6.

We make small talk while we’re led to the table, Josie’s eyes keep darting to where our table might be.

“Sorry I was hoping to do this before you came,” she says when we get there. There are name cards along the 7 seats and she picks the one in front of me. “I’m just gonna move mum to my other side so it doesn’t get weird. Which means she’ll be closer to dad but…I think he’s bailing since his girlfriend doesn’t want to do this.”

Josie shrugs, I know how she feels about her dad’s girlfriend. She begins explaining the plans she has to do dinner with her dad later this week and the more she talks the more I can tell that she feels awkward. And I hate that it’s because of me. At one point Jax and I catch eyes and pass an awkward smile.

“Josie,” I walk up to her fiddling with the name tags. She stops talking immediately. I grip her shoulders. “Thanks.”

“Sorry,” she whispers. I wrap my arms around her and she melts into me.

“Stop apologizing.”

“Sorry. I can’t help it. It’s a disease.”

We let go with a laugh and she seems more stable. “This is going to be fine.”

Famous last words.

It’s definitely not fine and very awkward. Jax ends up sitting in front of me, and even though Liliya’s name tag was beside mine it’s suddenly swapped as they slide in and Gray sits beside me. I guess it might be too awkward for her but not awkward enough to fit someone we both dated between us.

I can sense Michelle’s pinched face as she notices us sitting beside each other and I feel badly for Josie the most as she tries to play the gracious host. At one point I sense Jax laying a hand on her arm and taking over, asking Michelle questions about her yoga and getting her talking.

“Did you need more?” Gray turns to me with the wine bottle, it’s the second thing he’s said to me tonight. Otherwise he mostly just watches me talk and leans back enough when others are talking so I can be involved.

“I’m okay,” I whisper. I didn’t want to draw any attention while Michelle was talking. She hadn’t said a peep to me, even when Josie tried to involve us both in a shared memory. She continued acting like I was Casper the ghost.

I can feel Lily’s eyes on us as Gray offers wine, of course they would be. No wonder Gray barely spoke to me all night. Fuck me, what was I doing here.

Jax is a sweetheart, asking me about my job and encouraging conversation between the both of us. I’m so happy for Josie that she found a partner like him.

By the time dinner is over I mostly want to cry. I feel spent. But I also feel like I crashed an intimate dinner and everyone’s polite enough not to mention it. Despite Josie, I do actually regret coming.

As we pay the bill and shuffle out, Josie grabs my arm.

“So I have two friends where you can crash at their place or Jax can sleep over at mine and you can sleep at his or-“

“I think I’m gonna head back to the city.”

Her face falls. But it’s like she knew I was going to say that.

“Sorry Jo. I think you should come to the city next week—maybe visit your brother? And while you’re down we’ll do brunch then. I’m mostly free while I’m here. I’m just pretty tired and have to help Winnie with something tomorrow.”

“Really?” She says in the smallest voice I’ve heard out of her. Salt to my wounds.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I know we were looking forward to getting time together.”

She juts out her lip and I’m reminded of the girl I met when I first started dating Gray. How she’d taken to me so quickly. How the whole family had. How things could end up like this.

And suddenly I see the future laid out in front of me. After tonight it would be hard to keep this relationship going—Josie and I. She’s just seen her mom be an unreasonable bitch for the first time, I can tell she’s been trying to compensate all night but the cracks won’t go away. It’ll always be a sitting duck between us.

We might try to stay in touch, maybe I’d reach out if I was ever in London or if she ever visited the west coast. But this would fizzle out.

She was still young and naive enough that her mom hung the moon and stars; mom’s beliefs were gospel, her opinions were rulings, and she’d just delivered my ultimate sentence: I was a black sheep to the family. How could sweet Josie walk through a mess like that?

“I’m so proud of you,” I tell her as I fight tears. “Congratulations again and thank you for inviting me.”

“Thanks. And you don’t have to be so nice. I know it was kind of a shitty invite.”

“No,” I insist. “I loved being here. I don’t regret showing up for you. I can’t wait to hear what you get up to.”

“I’m going to make sure to make it to the city next week,” she squeezes my arm. “We’ll see each other soon.”

“Exactly,” I look over at the rest of the group, where her boyfriend waits for her. Her family. “And I really like Jax, so good on you for that.”

“He…” she twists her lips, swallowing what she was going to say before vomiting it out. “I always aspired to have a relationship like yours and Gray’s. I never wanted to settle for anything less so that’s…that’s why Jax.”

“Hm I think you made us the bar and you leapt over it babe,” I wrap my arms around her again. I ache with the loss of what we used to be.

“See you soon,” she says before she drags herself back to the group.

I stand off to the side, awkwardly ordering an Uber. The group begins to walk the opposite way waving bye to me. I breathe easier without the weight of them around.

As I tap my foot in anticipation of the ride to the station arriving, I feel a hand tap my shoulder.

“Y/n,” it’s Gray. “Hey I…I just wanted to say something before you left.”

“Oh. Hey yeah. Shoot.”

What was it with everyone wanting to say something to me.

“Uh…ok give me a minute,” he laughs in the way I know to mean he was feeling nervous. “I just sort of jogged back impulsively.”

“Yeah well you have,” I glance at my phone. “4 or so minutes.”

“Damn,” he ruffles his hair. “Alright. I think I just wanna say sorry.”

“Oh.” That was it. Everyone had something to say to me and the something was apparently sorry.

“Yeah I’m sorry. I…when we broke up I was so upset and caught up in my own head. I blamed you for everything. I think it only hit me when you just up and moved out of the country how things actually went down.”

I hadn’t told anyone but Josie that I was leaving.

“Yeah you were just like gone.” He continues. “I guess a part of me thought we’d get some space, maybe circle back later…”

“You really betrayed me,” I remind him.

But even I know what he means. He hurt me bad and it might be crazy stupid but on some level we were both aware we were in an ugly place and maybe with some space we might come back to the place that was good for us again. Maybe bump into each other one day, strike up a conversation, find there might still be a small amount of love left. Enough to water and grow again.

“I know,” he sighs. “I know. I hate that I hurt you like that. I regret…I actually don’t really hang out with that group of friends as much anymore. I sorta have myself to blame but I didn’t like who I was with them.”

I listen, letting him speak. It hurt too, knowing this was the Grayson I had fallen in love with. Kind and supportive, and now apparently he’s learned to communicate. Maybe that was a Lily thing.

“I guess,” he blows the air out of his cheeks. “I want to say I’m really truly sorry. I missed you a lot after you left. Nothing was the same and life was fucking hard. I wish things didn’t end the way they did and I stayed mature but I was just jealous and angry.”

I nod to acknowledge what he’s saying and watch him take a breath to continue.

“And I always appreciated how you never let us shake your relationship with my sister because she bloody loves you—I don’t think how mum treated you was right today but I never really understood her in the first place. I’m sorry about that.”

“Yeah,” is all I can manage without making it obvious how emotional this was all making me. How one year could make me feel like a completely different person. How this man I loved, and still love in some way, could stand in front of me talking about us as something in the past. Because we were. Long past.

My phone dings with a notification that my ride would be here. We glance down and out into the street.

“Anyway,” he swallows. “I just wanna apologize. And say I genuinely hope you find love y/n. Love that’s as fierce and loyal as you are. I hope you can forgive me one day. And I hope you’re successful as hell in whatever you pour yourself into.”

“Thank you Gray,” I want to say I was sorry too. For what it was worth. But my car pulls to the curb.

I wave at the driver to let them know I’d ordered it and we walk the few feet to the back door.

I face Gray and open my mouth to say it. Say something more: how I appreciated his words, how I was sorry for how things ended too, how I hope he is happy. But nothing comes out of my mouth. I just stare at him, my eyes welling with tears instead.

Gray holds out his hand and I look down at it. I knew those hands well and it’s like walking into a place you used to frequent in the past and have memories rush towards you as you remember: those hands held me and wrapped around my own and comforted me, they made me food and stroked my hair, and carried my bags when they got too heavy. They once wore an engagement band I gifted, they once held a small box with a life-changing question I had said yes to.

Now it was just a hand.

I clasp it and he squeezes.

“I know,” he says, his eyes trained on my watery ones. He squeezes again and lets go.

I rush into the car, those two words nearly cracking me in half. I wave goodbye through the tinted window and feel a wave of despair that pulls me down into the depths of darkness.

Too much was happening at once.

My emotions spiral out of me and I feel alone in this foreign country; I needed comfort where none could be found.

I don’t mean to. Or maybe I do. But on the train back to London I text Harry: is it too early to cash in on the drink?

His response is immediate: no, I was waiting for this text last night

I smile, despite myself.

Can I come over? I text with shaking hands.

H: For drinks?

Y: For drinks

H: Ofc.

***

The taxi drops me in front of the familiar building. I feel an echo of anxiety pierce through me as I go through the familiar doors. I nod at the concierge, the night replacement was new and I’m grateful nobody can recognize me making this potentially stupid decision.

For a brief second I wonder if Harry had other plans tonight but decide not to overthink it. He’d invited me openly. And maybe I was making a decision based on sadness and loneliness and grief and needing to be wanted but I make it. And I would make it like a grown woman—ready to accept the consequences.

I didn’t want to go back to my lonely hotel room. I didn’t want to call anyone and talk about what just happened. I didn’t have words. My body was taking the beating, feeling everything under the sun and now bruised and battered for it. I just wanted my body to forget that. And there was only one person in this godforsaken city that could help.

I’m let up to the penthouse and I forgot it had a distinct smell, wood-like and something indescribable. Weird that it felt comforting.

“You made it,” Harry comes into view in a simple pair of shorts and a long-sleeved white tee pushed up to his elbows. It’s the sleeves that really do it.

“I did.”

I leave my bags beside the elevator next to the umbrella stand, keeping my eyes on him. He doesn’t take his off mine either. I’m glad he doesn’t. Now I know he knows we both said drinks but meant something more.

He reaches out for me before I even get to him, and I know I would think about that later. A lot. But right then in the middle of his entryway I wrap my arms around his neck and lean up on my toes to reach him too.

His lips are soft against mine and he tucks me into him, his hand splayed out on my lower back. It feels like a return to a lover, someone who knows you, like I would’ve thought seeing Gray again would feel. But it’s just Harry, and the thought of baseless familiarity freaks me out a little.

The next time I feel his lips they’re on my jaw and neck and down to the base of my throat. He murmurs my name as he makes his way down and my body reacts immediately. He takes me by the waist and backs me up against the nearest wall, and I have a feeling I might fall.

I had made the conscious decision to walk into the devil’s lair because it was the only place I could get what I needed.

My fingers dig into his shoulders. My body wants this. Every part of me wants to pull him close and hold him and never let go. I wanted all of it tonight.

But I am so tired.

I put a hand on his chest and press gently. I can feel the warmth of his skin, the firmness of his muscles and the beat of his heart as he pauses.

“Sorry, I should have started with a hello. That was too fast was it?” He whispers, looking me straight in the eyes.

I have a million answers, but nothing comes. He puts his hand over mine and I feel it as a shiver runs up my spine.

"Is this too fast?" he asks again, and I hear the worry in his voice.

I shake my head.

He gives a breathy laugh, "Then tell me."

"I think I-“

“Don’t,” he covers my mouth with a laugh. “Please please. Don’t think.”

I smile under his palm and he drops his hand, I can tell he’s proud of lightening the moment by the sheen in his eyes. The moment is tender in a way that takes me back.

He brushes back my hair and kisses my forehead. I close my eyes, breathing in his cologne.

“That’s not where I want to be kissed,” I tell him.

“Then where?” He plays along.

“Anywhere but there.”

He kisses my nose. “There?”

“Not there,” I open my eyes to look up at him. “I’ll have you know that was very snotty just an hour ago.”

He groans, “you really have a way of taking the desire out of a situation.”

But his brows furrow and he watches me even closer.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I respond to his unasked question.

With that statement he takes a painful step back and I nearly slide down the wall without his support.

“What?” I ask.

“We should take that drink first.”

I feel the loss of his body pressed against mine, I realize miserably.

“What do you mean? I thought the drinks were just an excuse?” I ask.

He laughs a little, “Maybe tonight, but I really did want to have a drink with you. And talk.”

“Harry,” I groan. “I’m all out of talking tonight. Truly.”

“As much as I want to say forget talking and take you to bed I need to do this…just follow me,” he leads me and my flushed body through to the main living area which I was well familiar with but it’d gotten a facelift. I make commentary on the changes and he tells me more about it as he pulls a wine he wants out for us.

“I changed things around a little after you left,” he says as he hands me the wine glass. “I needed it. The change.”

“Oh.” Is all I can muster. I follow him to the sofa, tonight he doesn’t leave as much space between us but it still feels like a weird parallel to the night I landed in the hospital; a confrontation with Gray leading me to wine with Harry. “Look Harry I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Why not?”

“I…I’m at minimal capacity right now I just-“

“Just let me talk then.”

“Why does everyone want to talk!”

“I need to tell you what I should have said a long time ago and I want to apologize-“

“You already did-“

“Properly.”

I cross my arms and sigh.

“Y/n bloody hell I forgot how quickly you can get under my skin.”

“So this isn’t a great thing then.”

“Y/N,” he says my name like a warning and I want to comply. I roll my eyes and knock back my glass of wine, the buzz from the glass at dinner has long since worn away.

“Part of me wants to top you up but another part remembers what happened last time.” Harry eyes me.

“No I’m okay with just one glass. Drinking when I’m upset doesn’t end well.”

“Yeah…I don’t want you concussed on my watch again.”

“No we don’t want that,” we smile at each other, a soft and sentimental smile that gets the anxious stuttering of my heart to calm down a little. He just wanted to talk, so what?

But the anxious voice runs through the scenarios he might want to—his recent text, or something I did as his PA he wants to take up now. Gah.

“I really have missed having you around,” he says softly.

“Didn’t feel like you would with how you treated me.” I raise my brow.

“I know.” He pauses then mumbles something before talking to me directly. “You must have heard about the PA before you? Maybe from Riley?”

“Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“Hmmm this feels like a trick question.” I say but he tells me he just wants to know what I knew. So I rip the bandaid off. “You had a fling with her.”

He hangs his head back over the seat of the sofa and sighs. “I knew that piece of…Riley makes me really mad when I think about him sometimes.”

“Does he?” I raise my brow. “I can think of someone else who makes me madder.”

“I know that’s supposed to be me. And I don’t know what to do about that except come clean right now.”

“And why is that?” I ask. “Coming clean? I came here just to get distracted in bed with you. I never thought I’d live to see the day where a guy like you wants to talk instead.”

“Y/N,” he says with such an intense look my way my stomach flips. “Trust me. I want to have you in my bed more than you do. But I told myself if that day ever somehow happened it would be after this.”

I shrug, let him continue. In reality his words make me weak and I can’t speak. Which kind of annoys me—why did he have such a strong pull over me? How did he so easily admit he’s thought about me, about having me in his bed!?

My heart flutters amongst other things.

I remember a brief conversation I had with my mom last year when she asked me why I wasn’t putting myself out there and dating again and I told her I just didn’t have the heart for it. She had said it seems I left my heart in London—my passion and my heart. Sitting here with Harry stirs something inside of me, scares me, and I want to distract that with more wine. But I manage to control myself.

“I was fairly new to the industry when I hired Riley and it was his second proper job or something so we were both a bit young and we ended up being friendlier than we should have.” Harry starts. “But he was great at his job and never gave me any issues. I stayed naïve that people in this industry would look out for my best interest-“

“That’s really naïve,” I can’t help but comment but he throws me a look and I zip my lips. “Sorry.”

“I was lucky that the first few relationships I built as I got my foot in the door were genuine but I realized too late that it wasn’t a norm. Everyone wanted a piece of me and they all wanted me to be someone else. Some angle. Shit hit the fan pretty quickly. So when I needed more help I decided to create a new role for Riley and hire a PA. She was seasoned and came highly recommended.”

I nod along to his story.

“Long story short, she started out good but she kept trying to get me alone and get me talking. And back then after being friends with my old PA I didn’t have the wisdom of setting boundaries—don’t give me that look.”

“What!” I raise my hands. “I’m just listening.”

“You’re judging me.”

“Just continue,” I encourage. I was judging a little.

“Anyway, where I thought we were just friendly she thought I—I dunno I was falling for her or something. And one night she was working late so she had dinner here. She kept refilling my drink I didn’t realize she wasn’t drinking as much. It’s not much of an excuse but by the time she came onto me I was pissed and it didn’t take much.”

He continues the story like it was nothing but his voice catches a little and he doesn’t look me in the eye. My insides grow colder. I want to reach inside of him and hold the old Harry, the naive one who didn’t know better.

“Please don’t feel bad for me,” he cuts my sympathy short. “I didn’t turn into a great person after that. Especially with how I treated you.”

“That’s right.” I pretend to be unaffected by his story like he wanted me to be. But it’s near impossible.

“So that’s how I decided it was best for me to play the asshole. I couldn’t fire her after that—it would look awful and she could report me and screw me over. But I could make working for me a nightmare and so I did. A few months later she quit.”

He sighs and takes a swig of his wine, “Then you came along and I thought ‘I should play the asshole from the get go.’ I had gotten good by then at compartmentalizing my personality in the industry.”

“Hmph,” I raise a brow. He has the decency to look embarrassed but he continues.

“But the more time we spent together the worse I felt. You were nothing like the previous PA. You were genuine and down-to-earth. Pretty fiery but I wouldn’t find that out until later,” he grins. I roll my eyes. “I tried to ease up a little but things kept happening to push me back into the asshole box.”

“But you were so snappy, and a dick.”

“I know. I didn’t know how to tell you you worked too hard without dropping the asshole act and making you feel even shittier.”

“What do you mean?”

“I had to be the villain in your story-“

“What?” What was he talking about?

“Yeah like, you were working all the time even though there were some times I told you to wrap it up for the day.”

I remembered that, thinking he was kicking me out.

“But you took the job so seriously. I appreciated everything you did but you were dogged at making sure you did the best at any cost.”

“What do you mean? At any cost?” I ask, a cold sensation running down my back.

“For example take that one time a few months in when I asked you to call me because you forgot to order wine. You bloody came all the way back to hand deliver it-“

“Yeah because you said to call you and you were gonna be pissed if I-“

“No, y/n,” he lays a hand between us. “I just wanted you to call to know where you usually ordered from so I could order that for myself. You weren’t in any trouble! But I could only blame myself for playing the hard asshole too well.”

I think about that night, Josie’s birthday party. How I left early and upset Gray. How I didn’t need to but I had been following the Dos and Dont’s list.

Shit, the lists. They were added onto by the last PA who, now I know, was having her life made into hell just so she would quit. Some of those lists were on an extreme I didn’t even have to follow. Fuck. That was on me.

My face must be a painting of regret because Harry apologizes again.

“I’m sorry but I didn’t want you to…I just felt like I had to play the villain so you could do what you had to do. So you could continue hating me and we could establish the clear boundary.”

“Right.” I have a bitter taste in my mouth.

“But I genuinely liked you, I thought you were funny and sensitive-“

“You don’t like my sensitivity.”

“I do. I just hated how angry you were-“

“Because of you.”

“I know. I created a monster, I’m Frankenstein.”

“Damn straight.” I agree and we pause a beat before laughing.

“Anyway,” he continues. “You were funny and sensitive and resilient, passionate and smart, and you cared so deeply. It was rare meeting people like you in this field. I wanted to wrap you in bubble wrap but I think I shattered you instead. I’m sorry for the way I just let my past colour your time here. I feel like you left because of me-“

“It was really a lot of reasons.”

“I know but I was part of that and I felt no good. After you left I was a miserable son of a bitch for a while. I couldn’t even enjoy my holiday because I kept thinking of you. I was miserable so I barely even said goodbye—I didn’t realize you were going to run away so far. But I also didn’t want to say goodbye because I was scared I would convince you to stay by spilling my truth.”

His words sit on my chest and they slowly sink down to my stomach. I don’t know what it meant, what he wanted me to do with this confession. It’s too much.

“Mostly,” he continues, shifting closer to me on the sofa. He lowers his voice, “Mostly I’m sorry about Barcelona.”

I flush at the mention of it. At the heat and passion from that night. His eyes roam my face.

“I’m not that guy. I should have treated you nicer, should have been the one to keep my patience.”

“I didn’t make it easy,” I admit.

“No,” he chuckles. “You really fucking did not.”

We smile.

“But you’re so much more than anger y/n. I could barely sleep that night, I kept regretting giving into the anger and not being slow and soft with you the way you deserve. I regret it all the time.”

His confession pulls the veil off my eyes and I see a sharper image of my past. Of everything. It all comes at once and I can’t sort through it in the moment but I know what I want to do.

I shuffle over until I’m up against Harry, I hold his face in mine and he cups my face in his hand.

“You drove me crazy,” I tell him. “Made my life hell.”

“I know. But you drove me crazy too. Nobody got under my skin like you did.”

“Same.”

His hand snakes down to my thigh and he nudges it over his lap so that I’m straddling his body. I feel vulnerable and scared—not the first time these emotions have coursed through me in this very room. But today I don’t feel powerless.

His lips are soft against my cheek, my jaw, down my neck. Unlike the first time he’s slow and deliberate like someone who’s waited so long to unwrap a cherished gift and can’t stand ripping even the gift wrap. He pushes my hair out of the way and trails his fingertips down the back of my neck.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he whispers in my ear. The more he talked the more nervous he was making me. I turn my head to capture his lips, run my fingers through his hair which is too short to really grasp. I missed his old hair.

We break apart for a breath and I can feel the tension. The desire to have him near clashing with the need to go slow. To savour this. Somehow we both feel it.

“We don’t have to do anything tonight,” Harry promises me, his finger trailing down my arm. “Just having you here is enough.”

Oh god. How did he know just the things to say. This man was way too suave. He really was the devil.

But I needed him. It’s scary to admit but I did. I wanted to be here, I really did. I needed to be in this moment with him. Fulfill some shut-out desire that had grown dusty in the corner of my heart.

“I want to do this.”

With a gentle kiss he gets us up and takes my hand. I feel myself being pulled through the living room and towards the bedroom. The sheets are cool, but not cold and when he crawls in beside me I forget that I had ever been anywhere else.

He’s attentive and deliberate and I’m buzzing with anticipation. I decide to pick up the pace, propping myself up to take off my blouse. I watch his throat bob up and down like he’s never seen me like this before even though he has. It’s endearing.

The way his hands fit in the curve of my waist makes it harder to breathe. He moves his hands up my torso and to the straps of my bra. He pauses, as if asking permission, and when I nod, he kisses me. He unhooks it and slowly slides it off my shoulders, eyes fixed on mine.

The intensity of his gaze is overwhelming.

I pull him close to kiss him again, and he pulls me under him so I can feel the full weight of him against me. This is what I needed. To be physically present and not stuck in the after tremors of the earthquakes of my past. Not that he wasn’t part of my past but this is different. A non-verbal agreement to just be present. I knew his ways with women, it could be a one-night thing and that’s what I needed.

But that’s why the moments of tenderness and adoration nearly take my breath away. I don’t know where to put these things.

He kisses down my shoulder while his hand trails down to my trousers. He hooks his finger into the belt loop and tugs gently, looking up at me for consent.

I nod.

He slowly takes them off, and when his fingers brush against my bare legs, my breath hitches.

It happens again when he presses his lips against my hip bone.

He stops for a moment, and I can almost see the cogs in his brain whirring.

He moves up to press his forehead against mine.

"I don't know how to do this right," he says quietly, and his eyes search mine.

“What do you mean?”

“This is always how I should have treated you,” he whispers. “I want you to know-“

“Harry,” I smooth out the lines on his forehead.

"No," he grabs my hand and kisses it. "I don't want you to feel like I don't care because I do. I don’t want to hurt you. I'm not good at saying these things. But I want you to know how much I value you. That I like you as a person. I respect you. I want you to be okay.”

“I-“ who was this Harry, seriously!? “I get it. I’m okay. I am.”

He smiles at me tentatively and my heart does a somersault.

I grab the back of his neck and pull him down, pressing my lips against his. I could taste the sweetness of the words he had said.

I tug at his shirt and it flies into the darkness of his bedroom. His skin is heated against mine.

It feels like an eternity before he finally reaches the band of my panties, and my heart thumps wildly.

"May I?" he looks up.

"Please," I whisper.

For the first time since I’ve met him he doesn’t make it about himself or what he needs. It’s almost intimidating how intense he is as he looks after me and it’s hard to reconcile this man with the man in my head. We’re of one mind and it’s like he knows everything I’ve been through in the last 24 hours; he just attends to my every need reminding me that I was here, right here, in his arms and in this body.

And it doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Are you staying the night?” He asks later with a final kiss to my shoulder.

“If that’s alright?” I ask. I didn’t want to be alone in a cold hotel room.

“I’d love nothing more.” He says earnestly.

Love. I brush the word away.

He warns me that he was a slug if I stayed and he’s not exaggerating, with his arm draped over me and tucked up against him he’s like a child with a plush. He falls asleep just as quickly.

I should too but can’t. I feel so intensely about this body laying beside me, I want to crawl inside of him, understand him, understand us and how this worked.

Or maybe I wanted to just understand me, and why I felt a piece of myself sliding back into place tonight. I had to be the most fucked up person in this city.

Instead of sleeping I lay awake thinking about everything and I can’t help it. I go over this morning—god it felt like weeks ago. Josie’s graduation. Josie. Gray. Even Michelle.

I feel slightly paralyzed by everything that transpired today—it truly felt like peering through a glass window into a life I used to have. I try to break open the glass, sort it all out.

On one side is me and everything I’ve done this whole year to move on from the crumbs of my life here in London. I don’t know why but I really did think that coming back I would be 100% untouchable by my past. I was an idiot for thinking that because I was bothered that Gray seemed to have a steady girlfriend. Why did I think anything would rekindle between us?

I dig deeper, did I even want that to happen? Or did I just want to prove to myself that I was the one Gray let get away because I was too scared to face the possibility that I was the one who let Gray get away.

But clearly something didn’t work with us, I think bitterly. A few months with his new girl and he found the balls to open up with me and communicate his grievances and his apologies.

Love that’s as fierce and loyal as you are, he had said. Was I too much for Gray? Is that why we were made to burn out? It hurt too that he had damaged all my relationships I made in my life here in London only to cut those same people out of his life immediately after I left. The more I think about it the angrier I feel.

And his mom, I still feel bruised by her acting like she didn’t even know me. It stokes the anger higher. Her own son has called her crazy on multiple occasions, I was always nothing but kind to her. Gray was the one who put the final nail in our coffin yet the woman who called me her daughter and claimed to love me had been cruel. Even in the face of getting along for Josie’s sake she had put her petty feelings in the forefront.

These people made me so angry.

How did I ever think I could rekindle anything with Gray? As much as I was to blame, I realize, Gray couldn’t even be kind in the end. Just because the year apart was good to him didn’t mean he would still be good for me.

I think about the man laying beside me, in a hypothetical situation if things got ugly I instinctively want to say he would be cruel too. But I have to push past the persona he claimed to have put up and think about the glimpses of the man I saw underneath. Something tells me he would be just as fiery in letting me know how he was feeling. But with his recent apologies I’m not as convinced he would go out of his way to hurt me again.

Even in the bar last night, I just assumed he called me Mrs. Duran to be cruel but he hadn’t known. Or when I had assumed at Josie’s birthday party I would be fired for forgetting wine because he was an asshole when really he just acted like one so I wouldn’t feel worse.

How many times had I judged people because of how skewed my own lens was? It’s a sobering reminder.

Josie’s face flashes through my mind and I tear up at knowing we were going to cut each other out. No matter how much we loved each other staying in touch at this rate was no longer sustainable. For her best interest.

I think of my younger brother back home, my older sister, our family of 5. When I went back home there was so much to catch up on and eventually, apologize for. I had missed out on so much of my family’s life because I believed I needed to leave to grow. Well, life sure handed me a lot of lessons but I needed to go back home to plant them and let me grow.

Harry stirs beside me, nuzzling my neck in his sleep. I feel myself go teary eyed for no reason.

I wondered if this was just a one-night thing. If we would see each other again while I was in London. Did I want to see him? My heart sings yes immediately.

Damn.

What was it about him that pushed my emotions to the highest highs and lowest lows. How did he know every button to push and every bruise to kiss. This had to be toxic, we couldn’t just take our great big baggage of a past and see each other casually while I was in London. It couldn’t be that easy.

What if it was, hope whispers. I squirm. Could I forgive Harry for everything he’d done?

“Y’sleeping?” Harry mumbles to my left. Shit.

“Yeah,” I say which invokes a throaty chuckle from him. I check the time, it was nearly 4. Double shit.

“Liar,” he tugs on my hips and I turn to face him. “Talk to me.”

I couldn’t. Half of my thought were about him. And how could I tell him I was thinking about my ex after spending the night with him. So I just shake my head.

“Please?” He brushes my cheek with his thumb. “You need to sleep.”

“I-“ I try to say I can’t but the words get stuck in my throat. The emotions of everything I’d been thinking in the last couple hours threaten to dislodge the words from my throat so I close my mouth. But it doesn’t work.

A sob bursts out of me and before I can reel it all in the floodgates swing open and it carries all the pent-up sorrow and confusion, grief and anguish I had bottled up.

Harry freezes for a moment, probably very confused to wake up and have me reacting this way. But he recovers and pulls me into his warm chest.

“What is going on in that head of yours love,” Harry murmurs. Love. I sob even harder.

He murmurs reassuring words whilst stroking my back and I cry an embarrassing amount in the same bed where just hours ago I was blissed beyond comprehension. Life moves fast.

Finally when I gain enough composure I lean away, covering my face because crying into him was one thing but seeing my ugly cry face was another.

“Here,” I feel his body move and then tissues pressed into my hand. I’m grateful for them but I wasn’t going to blow my nose here. I sit up and try to dry my nose. His hand reaches out and the tips of his fingers rest on my spine like he was tethering my lost body to him. Somehow even that is reassuring.

“Don’t go trying to kiss my nose this early on again,” I try to joke through a stuffy voice.

“I wouldn’t dare,” he tugs my arm a little and I fall back beside him. He holds me in both his arms and I watch in horror and affection as he kisses the tip of my nose.

“Stop being so nice,” I laugh and cry a little too.

“You’re actually complaining about me being nice?”

“No I just—I’m not used to it,” I press the tissue to my eyes again.

“Well get used to it,” he peels the hair off of my face and pushes it back. “I don’t want to be the one hurting you. I swear to never ever be the reason you cry like this to anyone.”

“Don’t say those sorts of things if you don’t mean it.”

“I do,” he caresses my face. “You’re breaking my heart y/n, I don’t know who hurt you but I never want to see you like this. Especially not because of me alright? I’m sorry if I ever-“

“Stop,” I put my hand to his mouth. Which is kind of gross since I just blew my nose but I’m pretty sure him kissing my snotty nose means he didn’t care.

“But-“ he says behind my hand.

“I’m embarrassed right now,” I admit.

“You have seen me in every compromising situation,” Harry says. “And we have been through too much together to be embarrassed right now.”

“Fine,” I sigh. “It is tiring.”

“Maybe you can finally sleep now that it’s…almost 5?”

“Sorry,” I sigh. “I hope you don’t have something early?”

“Nope,” he kisses the top of my head. “And even if I did it wouldn’t matter.”

So we both try to go back to bed and I manage to fall asleep, all of those tiring racing thoughts washed away by a good cry. I feel warm and cared for and vulnerable and protected. A stark change from how Harry has made me feel before. Maybe this was temporary or maybe this was the start of something new. I’m just taking it minute by minute while all I can think is Do I or Don’t I?

***

It’s my final week in London and if you’d asked me a couple weeks ago if I was looking forward to going back home I would have said without hesitation yes.

But that night at Harry’s and putting my past to rest brushes away an old and tired film I had been viewing the city with since I landed.

We had seen each other a couple times a week since—I’ve been cautious despite my body saying otherwise. There were many days I had been free but I had made up some excuse not to see him, I was scared of getting too attached and having to leave.

But I can’t deny how nice it was to be with Harry without any labels. Most of the time I went over to his, it was tricky going out somewhere too public and risking getting papped. Together we just talk about life and work, my life back in America and my relationship with my family, his life growing up and his relationship with stardom. We watch movies and listen to music and make jokes and I open up a little about what had been weighing on my mind that night.

Winnie teases me that I was lighter than she’s ever seen me, that London looked good on me. I tell her she’s crazy. But even Oretta admits it when Winnie brings it up to her.

Harry makes the effort to make up for how he acted until it’s not just words. I believe what he was saying. And I admit to my faults too.

We still get under each other’s skin.

The thing we argue about the most is an opportunity Harry tries to get me to sign off on. The link he texted me when I was in Cambridge was an upcoming single one of his friends was releasing and he wanted to get me to bid on executing a music video for it. I tell him he was nuts and that I had no experience, plus I had a job. But he persists. He thinks I should explore putting my creative skills to use and not just my organizational skills. The arguing continues.

I have a date with him tonight, at the same bar we bumped into each other that first night. I have a question I’d been meaning to ask him.

“You aren’t actually a regular here are you?” I ask when we’ve settled.

“Of course I am,” he says but I know he’s lying. I raise my brow and he looks everywhere but at me. “Fine. I’m not.”

“So how the hell did you end up here that night?”

“Coincidence.”

“Liar.”

“I’m an honest man.”

“Truth please?”

“You’re embarrassing me here let’s move on.”

“Nuh-uh,” I’m enjoying his bright cheeks and darting eyes. “Did you stalk me or something?”

“I…I knew this was a local spot for you. Or was.”

“Really? How?”

“You mentioned it a few times? And I dropped you off here once after work.”

He might’ve. I’d met many friends and especially Gray here. I motion for him to continue.

“I might’ve known you were in town, might’ve found out you were here and…”

“So you did stalk me,” I gasp. “Oh my god ladies and gents he is obsessed.”

“That’s a strong word.” He argues.

“You. Stalked. Me.”

“Oh fine, I��ll confess: I’m used to the stalkers and I thought it was high time I did some stalking and see what the fun was all about,” he joins in on making fun of himself.

“Someone get me a restraining order,” I say just as someone approaches our table with drinks. As soon as they leave we burst out laughing.

“So have you given the music video any more thought?” Harry asks as the evening continues.

“Can we not talk about this right now?” I ask.

“I just think you should give it serious thought. I know you want to go into PR, be somebody’s Graham, but you have a really good eye for this thing. Before you pursue what you think you want, try this out.”

“You’re one dude,” I say again. “Who believes I can do this. You want me to throw away the career I’ve worked on for years to dabble in this and potentially waste time instead of getting to where I want?”

“Firstly, if you love doing something it’s not time wasted. And secondly you only ever need just one person to believe in you, angel.”

His fingers brush mine on the table, the familiar electricity courses through me just through the small touch. And of course, his use of pet names always turned me to putty. I hated how malleable he made me.

“Consider it. Just write a proposal y/n, it’s not betraying Oretta or anything. I can talk to her if you want if they choose your idea.”

It was scary putting myself out there for something I didn’t believe in myself for. But my echoes of burnout grow towards the idea of doing something less demanding than being an assistant just like a sunflower to the sun. It basks in letting my creativity flow.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Not for too long,” he taps my fingers again. We were cautious about being too touchy in public, even in a place like this where people genuinely didn’t care who he was. “Proposal’s due at the end of next week.”

When I would be back home in America. Away from here. Him.

We hadn’t talked about it, if we would try to keep in touch. I can’t really imagine a long-distance thing with Harry. Not at this stage. Mostly we enjoyed being in each other’s company and I was scared forcing labels just because we would be apart would ruin this fragile thing.

“Fine.” He’d worn me down and I submit. “Fine I’ll get something in for you.”

He pulls back with a shocked expression. “Did I just convince the stubborn y/n y/l/n to do something she didn’t want to do?”

I scowl. “Don’t get used to it.”

“I won’t,” he laughs, waving his hands around him like he was fanning in an aroma. “I’m soaking this in though.”

“Whatever,” I say with a smile.

“You make me work hard,” he smiles back. “For everything y/n. That’s one of the things I l-I-that I really like about you.”

We ignore the near slip of something far too serious for what we had going. We move past it but it sets my heart racing.

“So this friend of yours,” I change the subject. “With the music video. Didn’t you guys have like, beef when you were on tour? All that article stuff?”

“You of all people should know not to believe what you see online. It was all manipulated and put out of context.”

“I know but you were all moody for all your shows afterwards. I remember Jeff and Graham complaining. I assumed the articles had worn you down a bit.”

He raises a brow like he’s waiting on me to figure something out.

“What?”

“Really? You think it was the artcles?”

“Well what else happened that-“

Oh god. Was I that stupid?

Of course it wasn’t the articles, it was me! Us.

A smile stretches over the contours of his face as realization dawns on mine, “Twice in a row I’ve got you today, I should buy a lottery ticket.”

“I’m off my game today is all, don’t get used to it.”

I can’t believe it. Not that I didn’t believe Harry after the last few weeks but I—that night—really meant that much to him that his feelings over it had affected the rest of his tour? I had affected his tour?

“Why didn’t you say anything if it was weighing on you so much? If I recall I tried to talk to you a couple times.” I ask.

“What could I say,” he snorts. “You were engaged and my loss of control was why you cheated. Then you were quitting and I knew if I said anything you might have stayed. I didn’t want to keep you where you didn’t want to be.”

His words tug at my heart. He really had thought up a storm.

“Harry,” I lean back. “Gray and I broke up before I joined you guys on tour again. We weren’t cheating.”

His forehead creases, “What?! But you were together at my London show. I thought you two broke up after you moved back home?”

“No,” I guess in the last few weeks I’d just mentioned we broke up a long time ago. He didn’t know any specifics. “We were fake-together because he hadn’t broken the news to his sister then. But that’s why I was all…y’know in Barcelona-“

“Fuck me,” he groans. “No wonder you thought I was an ass for pulling you away-“

“Well you were-“

“Yeah alright-“

“Why did you really pull me away though?”

“I…I was feeling a bit possessive.”

“What?”

I wasn’t expecting that to come out of his mouth. He smiles sheepishly, “I thought we already came to terms with that.”

My stomach does a few somersaults. Until tonight I don’t think I’ve really focused on the magnitude of how Harry felt back then. Parts of my mind were still remembering him as a prick just because it was easier to remember my side of things. But this spins things in a brighter light.

“I was just your assistant though.”

“Y/N,” he tilts his head to the side. “Did I not already tell you what I thought about you that night in my flat?”

“Yeah but-“

“I’d never met anyone like you, I really liked you. I couldn’t have you though and I had to push you away constantly. And that drove me a bit crazy sometimes.”

I let out a noisy breath, wondering if how he felt about me was just as intense now as it was then. A part of me knows it must be. Feelings like that didn’t fade. But here I was, barely knowing what it was I felt for him. All I knew was that it was nice when we were together.

Why me, I want to ask. But I hold back. It wasn’t a question I could ask my ex-employer current-lover part-time-asshole.

“Sorry,” he apologizes. “Was that a bit strong?”

“No,” I sigh again and he laughs. “Fine. A little. But it’s fine, I’m okay.”

“Okay,” he believes me. “So you broke off your engagement and didn’t tell anyone?”

“Kinda, we weren’t in a place we could come back from. We decided that mutually after things blew up. He didn’t even know I was leaving the country actually.”

Harry whistles. “You ran out on all of us.”

I scratch the side of my head, “Maybe?”

“Well I’ve enjoyed having you again, here.” He says with sincerity. “I’m really relieved to be able to get to say everything I wanted to your face.”

I agree. Neither of us mention I was leaving later in the week.

Even by the night before I’m leaving London we still hadn’t discussed a thing. But there’s a heaviness to us as we have dinner at his, as we pretend to watch a movie only to cuddle on the couch. We lay there facing each other and I trace his eyes, his nose, his wonderful mouth. It’s so odd to me that this was the same Harry Styles performing in sold out venues and on the walls of teenage bedrooms. That I got to have him in these quiet moments and be present.

I feel so grateful for this. That I didn’t have to carry around these draining stories within me anymore, that it felt like it happened to someone else. In a way even if nothing came from all this, I got closure. I was able to move on now.

I imagine my heart and it feels like when you take a stroll mid-March and realize nature was healing from winter’s blues. Warm and blooming the earth was growing again—my heart was growing stronger. Now the idea of a date or a partner didn’t seem so daunting and exhausting. I would never have guessed that it would take the man who almost broke me to come into my life again for me to see how to fit those pieces back in place again.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do not having you in town anymore,” his lashes flutter as I run my hand through his hair. It was still shorter than I was used to but it had grown in the last three weeks.

“Oh you’ll be fine,” I say. “I’ve worked on your schedule before: meetings and studio sessions and photoshoots and interviews.”

“A busy life isn’t always a full one,” he whispers. And it’s the closest thing to a confession we were going to get to. I cover his mouth with mine and we indulge in each other one final time.

There is a symphony of unexpected but undeniable intimacy woven between the beats of our entwined hearts. I know I would probably never feel this way with anyone and I don’t think I’d want to. Being with Harry was passion. It was losing myself and finding myself at the same time. It was being vulnerable and guarded and cherished and known.

My flight out tomorrow is around noon but I can’t stay the night as I’d have to help Oretta in the morning to make sure everything gets to the airport in time. Harry walks me down to his lobby and we stand there for a few, just holding each other tight. He doesn’t ask me to stay and I don’t ask him to come.

“This isn’t goodbye y/n,” Harry says when we part. His hand rests on his heart. I know the feeling, mine aches so hard I want to press my hand to it just to tell it everything would be fine.

“No,” I shake my head. My eyes had been teary ever since he squeezed me to him. “We’ll talk soon.”

“You’ll be directing music videos soon.”

I roll my eyes, “I’m still working on the proposal.”

“I have a good feeling about it.”

“That makes one of us. But…thanks for believing in me.”

“Thanks for believing in me,” he whispers. “Even when you didn’t have to.”

I’m glad I did. The only time in my life not paying attention to the warning bells had paid off.

“I’ve been working with this new producer and he wants me to come out to a studio in Cotati?” Harry mentions. “How far is that from where you are? Are you still in m Burbank?”

“Burbank’s where my parents are,” I shake my head. I look up what he’s talking about and feel a thrill when it’s less than a couple hours. Still, I try to maintain neutrality. “A little over an hour?”

“Well,” he brushes my hair over my shoulder and keeps his eyes looking just over it. “Depending on what you’re doing—maybe if you’re free…we can see each other again?”

I would love that. My heart is bursting just thinking of getting to have him in the place I called home. Of this meaning something. Of him wanting to see me again.

“Of course if you have a boyfriend by then and he doesn’t want you to see me that’s…I mean, live your life and if it works out we-“

“Yes,” I cut him off. “Yeah. Let’s see but that sounds good.”

He meets my gaze and I laugh a little, he was nervous and that was rare.

“Good,” he smiles with. “Until next time.”

“Until next time,” I step into his arms and it’s a quick affair before he steps away. I turn to head out the door, shielding my eyes from him. Not wanting him to see that this was stupidly hard to say goodbye.

He waves me off and I head back to my hotel with a heavy heart. But I think about him asking to see me again. Who knows when that would be. And I know this wasn’t the end of our story.

***

I’m happy to land in SFO the following evening, happy to busy myself with Oretta’s business, happy to have Winnie chattering away. I spent parts of the flight I wasn’t sleeping working on my MV proposal and it awakens a familiar passion inside of me I’d been afraid I’d lost.

I send out a silent thanks to Harry for knowing what was good for me.

I think of Harry often, Gray even less until I don’t think of him at all. I dream of London weekly; I missed it this time around. And as life resumes again I anticipate the change I sense on the horizon.

So when life gives me lemons I stop asking Do I or Don’t I. If one thing the last year has taught me was I had to listen to my gut and look at the signs. I had to start asking what I wanted and go after it. Even though Harry and I barely talk, I remember the lessons he’s taught me.

I stop looking to others to make decisions. There’s no guidebook or lists to help me make my decisions either. I take deep breaths and I believe in myself.

I build a new life on the remains of my old. I don’t let it dictate what I did anymore, I simply leave it as the foundation to elevate me even higher. I reach for the sky with my feet planted firmly on the ground. And I grow with reckless abandon.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

TAGLIST: @boomitsallie1 @indierockgirrl @ndunad @jerseygirlinca @sunshinemoonsposts @ninasw0rld @love-letters-to-uranus @mayamonroem @sassamanda77 @harryspirate

🤍

#writingsfromhome #harry styles x reader #harry styles fic #harry styles #harry styles fanfic #harry styles imagine #harry styles angst #harry styles fluff #musician!harry #harry styles series #harry stylesxreader #enemies to lovers #dos and don’ts #this is DONE #I HAD THE MOST FUN WRITING THIS I REALLY POURED MY HEART INTO IT #IM SO HAPPY ITS DONE #AHHH #I LOVED WRITING THESE CHARACTERS #EVEN THE FRUSTRATING ONES #fic #<3 #i considered an epilogue but firstly not enough space and secondly idk if this open-ish ending suited the series? #if you didn’t like the ending I’m sorry just consider the alternate ending to be right after the grad dinner #but listen distance and experience provides perspective so nobody stay mad #okk byee #love ya

[wordsvomit101]

As usual credit to Hiki (@shyanimeboi) for this god sent gift they grace me. The amount of lore drops got me feral, it feels like Christmas, it feels like summer coming.

I won't post all of it since it is best that you go support the original poster at here: Hikifans on X: "Here is part 3 of the story. Sorry it was abit of a long wait, was stuck grinding for satans beginner nightmere candy https://t.co/IStdo8f7Xs #whatinhellisbad" / X (twitter.com)

Anyway here is the ramble

True but I don't lust as much as you girl (no problem with anyone that related to MC, she's just not for me). If I have that much sexual drive in me, for more than 70 guys at that??? I need to check myself out for medical attention, or else I gonna feel dread every time the lust comes (it is surprisingly a thing that I saw people talk about on TikTok)

Ppyong is a deadly combo man, he is cocky but also a masochist. His appearance is so my type too

MC being a freak, as usual, you go sis ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

THE WAY I CHOKE ON MY OWN SPIT- Like wtf do you mean?!!!! Why are you doing this to my fujoshi kokoro??!!! I know you want to do it but how do you want to do it?!! Shibari? Choking? WHat Ishb Ittzdhbjsfbnv?!- *Error*

NAURRRRR ༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽ MC DON'T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME!!!!

ASK HIM!! ASK HIM TO SPILL IT ALL OUT!! I NEED TO KNOW!! TELL HIM TO SPELL IT OUT-

*Error*

So, uh, they show a close-up shot of Juno's chest and he asks if Minhyeok is hard like his and MC is a bad liar, said "probably" and Juno calls her out on it.

And MC actually admitted and said that Minhyeok's chest is actually "wide like this"???

You did??? But then again why am I surprised that she did, they had to be kissing at some point if they stuck together for more than a decade with that amount of tension between them

Ok so Minhyeok played soccer in high school, MC and he are in different classes and they were going to give him back something they lent. But come across Minhyeok changing in the classroom, pretty standard

Yup, he knows, he definitely knows and he is tempting her. Also, apparently, Minhyeok's chest is toned, but flatter than Juno's, his abs also feel different than Juno's...

If you can't tell I'm furiously taking notes right now, someone on the dev team is looking out for my shipper's heart and I wish that person woke up on the right side of the bed every day and had their taxes filled on time, etc.

Woah that has to be some intense session you got there, I awake until 3am before and I still have energy fueling me.

Relatable, highly so, I got deadlines every day during the semester. You think it's fine when you get used to it after 3-4 weeks but then it hits you with a week's worth of exams that you need to finish within that time while maintaining other stuff outside your major, and then combine it with other stuff outside uni (҂ ꒦ິヮ꒦ິ)

Too high of a standard girl, if I were him, I would already be too high on coffee and delirium to even see what I'm typing on the computer.

I'm surprised he's only tired, I expected some breakdown but then again, it's Minhyeok. The guy built different

Wait that's so cute!!! Awww (∗˃̶ ᵕ ˂̶∗)

Minhyeok sure is deep in his sleep, cause the slightest noise or outside touch would wake me tf up, I will go straight back to sleep later if it is nothing but if this happens it would me start kicking before I could even think

Built like a campus crush and act like a campus crush. If he has time to be good at sports then he most likely be in one of the SKY universities in Korea. If he also doesn't go to Hagwon then that would be even more crazy

Ok rude, you not even gonna clean the wet chair up??? Even if you're my best friend, I would still drag you back to clean the mess yourself cause ain't no way I'm touching the juice that came out of your bussy

THE TENSION IS REAL BOISSS

I know what you are MC and don't worry I won't judge, just tell me how big the file is compare to others

Ok, that is it, love part 3, they feed me a good amount of lores, and thank you again to the heaven-sent Hiki (@shyanimeboi), please watch the full video on their channel. I couldn't do this without them sharing this with all of us for free at that 🛐🛐🛐

Thank you for reading through my fangirling and good days to everyone!

#what in hell is bad #whb #whb minhyeok #whb mc #whb ppyong #whb juno #wordsvomit notes

[venusandsaturnsrings]

Okay lemme just

I have jjk brainrot and lemme just try to categorise my thoughts instead of letting them go !!!!!!!!

GOJO:

-Special grade teaser, this man will have you begging and edging you till you're crying

-def into letting you wear his blindfold, bonus if you're tied up

GETO

Pet play, corruption kink, need i go on- also if going with bottom Geto, def whimpers if you tug on his hair

MEGUMI

Purely basing this on an rp i had with a friend- lactation kink. Absolutely down for 3 somes with his SO + Yuji, we stan a bi king

SUKUNA

Blood kink, marking, anyway he can show off that you're his. Prolly bites you on the darn daily

MAHITO (making this extra long for you <3)

Hear me out- virgin but freaky AF

Watersports, spit, blood, cum, he's down for anything

Def has fantasies about carving his name into his fav human toy (you <3) preferably on the chest for all to see

Wil push you to your limits, prolly sucks at aftercare but can be bribed ibto beibg the best with it jn return for some new games and toys *nudge nudge wink wink*

Bonus-

Geeting double penetrated by Mahito and Foul Legacy Taru <3

IM LISTENING IM HEARING U OUT IM BRAINROTTING WITH U!! i’m crafting up a silly au where everyone lives and no one suffers and everyone gets to be happy and go to uni together and and and… so given that, i’m writing gumi n junpei as over 18!! crazy to think about but in canon time im younger than all of them… fucked up how time works huh… ANYWAYS…

includes: this is just general headcanons building off what you said my dearest + adding a couple of my own thoughts!! has Gojo, Geto, Megumi, Sukuna, Mahito, and Junpei bc he is so special to me <3 i am one of 3 Junpei kinnies on this planet i swear…

i’m not a major Gojo fucker, if anything we have hate sex that is fuelled by pent up arousal and being big time touch starved… but the idea of him using his blindfold on you?? oh dear oh my… it’s both a big step in trust and vulnerability. given that he finds not having his eyes covered to be immensely overwhelming, i imagine there’d be a strong bond between him and his partner to do this. he’s used to seeing you through the way he detects energy, it’s second nature to him, but he’ll never quite get over what it’s like to actually see you with his real eyes. his fingertips are shaking and he can’t seem to look at anything other than your face twisted in pleasure as he denies you your nth release of the day; it’s a carnal satisfaction. he tends to be very mouthy and loud whenever you’re going at it but with you splayed out in front of him like this, your body shielded by absolutely nothing, he’s rather quiet as he takes in every inch of you. it’s a form of depraved worship, in a way, that he feels so compelled to hardly even breathe to appreciate you and only you as much as he possibly can.

i’d be a liar if i said i wasn’t terribly down bad for Geto. long-haired men get me good and he’s no exception… he’s 100% into pet play and corruption you hit the nail on the head!! it’s half a control thing and half a desire to please, he doesn’t feel a lot of power over his life and being able to get some of that from what you two do together his cathartic. he’s partial to cat girls, having a little kitty for him to play with and to kneel at his feet brings him satisfaction like nothing else. Geto is also the best at aftercare!! he’s very tender in how he treats you, already having a nice warm bath and a glass of water ready… anything you need, just ask, he’d give the world to stay by your side as long as he possibly can.

prior to this ask, i’d never actually thought of Megumi before… but, hear me out, going off of his thing of sharing you with Yuji, i think he’s into being cucked. i’m sorry to be the one to say it but to my core i believe this is true and canon… when it’s just the two of you, Gumi has the tendency to get a bit nervous and lost at times so seeing someone he trusts so deeply take the reigns and really work to make you feel good without hesitation gets him going. sometimes he does get a bit jealous of the way Yuji palms at your tits or the way he gets you to squeal so loud but ultimately he knows you’re his. even if Yuji offered to snag you away, you wouldn’t accept because Gumi is the one you want (reassure him from time to time though). plus, after watching so many times, he gains a better grasp on what to do!! i think he also likes letting Yuji instruct him on just how to fuck you proper. <3

Sukuna… you are a man of many wonders and arms. he is absolutely the biggest biter of them all!! will use his normal mouth most of the time but really enjoys using his stomach mouth to nip at your ass when he’s plowing you from behind as the way you yelp in surprise never fails to get him going. he loves that having four arms means he can keep your hips still, choke you, and grope at whatever skin he wants all at the same time; there’s never a part of your body that goes missed. despite his claims of not caring about humans, there’s nothing that he loves more than having you dangle off his arm and getting to touch you in a way nobody else ever could. also, two cocks absolutely. prepare yourself to be stuffed full, he’s partial to having them both balls deep in your pussy.

FREAKY VIRGIN MAHITO IS REAL!! he’s all about experimenting so there’s really nothing he wouldn’t try honestly, it’s more of a challenge to convince him to not do certain things *shivers*… but that does come with a lot of bonuses seeing that he won’t write off anything so it’s free game for you!! odds are he’ll enjoy anything so long as he learns something from it, if it gets him off then even better. he’s naturally most interested in anything that’ll induce pain, emotional or physical, and things that allow him to be in complete control (submitting to a human? fat chance). Depending on how exactly he sees you, and how ooc you’re willing to take, you’re either going to be a good ol fashion pump n dump that he brutally slaughters OR you’ll end up being his forever pet that he won’t let out of his sight for more than fifteen seconds… both are a unique form of suffering but it’s Mahito, so there’s really no white picket fence ending option… regardless, prepare yourself to be used in the grossest ways. he’s got a particular fondness for watersports and anything that results in blood, with a preference for knife play and good ol aggressive biting, simply because he likes seeing you become a filthy depraved mess even when he’s being so cruel. i have a vague concept for a human au but even then he’s a nasty freak with no boundaries!!

adding Junpei onto this because he’s so dear to my heart and also the biggest incel. affection doesn’t come easy to him especially when it’s sexual, he finds being on the receiving end to feel as though it’s only because you pity him. try as you might, convincing him otherwise is going to take some time but he has no problem understanding his own feelings to be true although he’s shy… major panty sniffer alert, he’s too scared to actually try anything with you but he’s got his needs!! stealing a cute white cotton pair from your hamper is the next best thing to him and he’ll spend the next week with them pressed to his face whenever he’s alone, dick rutting into his hand messily. it’s subconscious but he also has a habit of stalking you around a little bit when he’s too nervous to actually talk to you but he swears it’s an accident!! he didn’t mean to learn your whole schedule it’s just that he sees you doing certain things more often!! he’s supposed to be on the other side of the city at that time for work?? you’re delusional, he was just… sent there for some sort of project, nothing weird at all he’d never!! huge whiner btw, babbles a lot when he’s finally fucking you.

#cw: blindfolds #cw: pet play #cw: choking #cw: blood play #cw: pain play #cw: incel #cw: stalking #smilies all of the boys #gojo x reader #geto x reader #megumi x reader #sukuna x reader #mahito x reader #junpei x reader #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk smut #jujutsu kaisen smut #mira-shard my beloved <3 #chit chats

[pandorasprongs]

CHAPTER TWO | you'll always know me.

'it's nice to have a friend' masterlist + playlist | previous chapter

PAIRING: jamie tartt x fem!reader

WORD COUNT: 4.3k

SUMMARY: a few weeks after their run-in, jamie suddenly craves some pizza and someone to share it with.

WARNINGS: language

A/N: here is chapter two! there's a little more jamie pov in this one just to see his side of things and we watch them catch up more in this one and see what liv (reader's friend) thinks about this whole thing ;)

After Jamie dropped you off, you didn't hear from him for weeks. Things just went back to normal for you after that night, and maybe you should've been glad. That was the closest to closure with Jamie that you could stomach, but there was still a part of you that hoped that every time your phone rang, it was him.

On the brighter side, Liv had started to make plans for the wedding and her first order of business was to ask you to be the Maid of Honor, a role you happily accepted. In between grading papers and office hours, you'd look through catalogs and websites that your best friend had sent you. Both activities were exactly what you needed to take your mind off Jamie.

But for the footballer, he couldn't stop thinking about you. He wanted to believe that you really had forgiven him, in some capacity. But each time he had the urge to reach out, the fear of you backtracking on your word overcame him. 

This wasn't normal. He was Jamie fucking Tartt, for Christ's sake! He's been with tons of girls. More often than not, one text was enough for the guy and all was forgiven. But he hadn't been with anyone in months, and it was different now. It was different with you. It always had been. 

Even back when you were kids, it was your opinion of him that he valued over most people, with the exception of his mum. You were the one he went to if he needed advice about girls or comments on his football form. You were the one he went to when he wanted to screw around, setting up traps for your parents as kids or sneaking beers to your rooms as teenagers.

Hell, you were the one he went to when he fucked up and needed help to fix his mess. Maybe that's why he doesn't know what to do now, cause he can't very well ask you for advice on yourself.

So instead of powering through his fears and calling you, he settled for searching you up. Just to see what you've been doing these past few years. His mum would sometimes mention a thing or two about you that she heard from your parents when he visited her, but he rarely actually listened, something that filled him with guilt in the present.

The first thing he found was research papers and articles with you listed as an author. They were all about varying topics, but it was always in the realm of genetics. You'd always loved biology and writing from what Jamie remembered, and he was just glad to see you doing what you always wanted. He tried to scan through one of the research papers for fun, but when he didn't understand a lick of it, he decided to cut his losses and check what else he could find. 

He ended up on the page of an organization from your uni and found a video with you on stage as the thumbnail. It was almost 5 years old, around the time when...

Jamie hesitantly presses play and the clip starts with you walking up the stage. You seemed so confident and unafraid of the crowd in front of you. Maybe it was the liquid courage in your hand, but the footballer had never seen you so at ease before performing.

"Hello everyone! It's me again," You started, your energy easily transferring to the crowd who erupted in applause. "This will actually be my last song for a while because fuck finals!" There's laughter off-camera as you stabilize yourself.

"Before I start the song, I just want to give some background on why I picked it, if you’ll let me. This is dedicated to an old friend of mine. He was one of my favorite people in the world, but unfortunately, he's become an absolute fucking prick! Woo! So, what better way than to end the night with this song?" When he hears that, Jamie's heart drops and he closes the video as you sing the opening note.

He doesn't know why; this was years ago and you were obviously not as angry as back then. But the mere thought that there was a point in time where you felt enough hatred for him to go in front of a crowd and yell "Fuck you, fuck you very, very much!" only worsened his fears.

If Jamie from a year ago had seen the video, he wouldn’t have done anything. He'd scoff, call you bitter, and that would be the end of it because pretending it didn't hurt was, for him, a better option than apologizing for what he's done. But this was a new and improved Jamie, one that was trying to atone for his mistakes that Ted, Dr. Sharon, and the entire team so kindly pointed out when he came back to Richmond. Empathy, he had to have that. This was probably the best version of himself, but that didn't mean that just because all was forgiven by Richmond, everything else in his life was okay.

There was still you. Looking at how much you've done with your life, how confident you've become, and how happy you seemed to be with your new friends, he really must've been a dead weight on you. You almost even gave up the chance to study in Cardiff because of him, but thank God you snapped out of it and saw how ridiculous that was. Maybe you were better off without him, even at his best.

But Jamie was still having a hard time giving up his selfish habits.

Now, he was on a date with a French model. He had no real interest to get back into the dating scene, but he just had to get Richard off his back about setting him up. He had to keep holding himself back from pointing out that just because he was French, Richard was not fucking Cupid. It was even clearer to him when he was bored out of his mind barely 15 minutes into the date. 

She was beautiful, of course, but neither of them could say an actual word to each other the whole time. Well, aside from her snide remark after he paired red wine with a type of fish, which honestly sealed the deal for Jamie.

He stayed the whole duration of the thing just to be polite; he even paid for the whole meal himself. But seeing how both of them spent almost the whole thing on their phones, there wasn't going to be a second date.

The food wasn't even filling, so now not only did Jamie just waste one of his best suits, he was still starving. While waiting for the valet to bring his car to the front, he spotted a group of fans hovering outside of the shop and decided to go greet him. It was a regular occurrence as a footballer, so he did the usual: signed some footballs and pictures, took selfies with some fans, and doing small talk with some of the younger fans. Maybe it was because they sometimes reminded him of a younger version of himself, but he always put extra effort to make those little kid's interaction with him enjoyable, even if their parents could be pushy as hell.

Jamie never hated interacting with fans, except occasionally when it was 1 am in a crowded pub and some of them acted like they were best friends. It was an absolute ego boost because he could act as cocky as he wanted and they’d love it anyway. Especially back in Man City when they would cheer his name as he left the clubhouse. God, no wonder he became a prick so quickly. He still had fans now, but he’d learned how to act more humble with them. Just a little bit more humble.

Once his car pulled up, he felt a notification from his phone and opened it to find a message from Simon. Hi Jamie! Your mum and I hope you're doing well. Congrats on the promotion!

It wasn't odd for Jamie to get texts from his step-dad which always opened with a check-in, then usually followed by a recipe of biscuits he could try and make at home or asking on his mum's behalf if he'd be visiting soon.

Before he could open the chat to reply, another text popped up. 

Was looking through some old boxes (trying to find one of the homemade cookie cutters you made before), and found this picture! 

Attached was a photo of their kitchen from years ago, which is obvious by the multiple school football team photos hanging on the fridge. It was you and Jamie, around 16 years old, eating some homemade pizza that Simon had made. The photo captured you staring at the slice as if it was Jesus reincarnated and caught Jamie staring at you. Jamie admits, he almost thought he liked you then, but that was probably because he saw you so often and puberty's a weird fucking time.

All Jamie could reply was, That's a nice picture, just so it wouldn't seem like he wasn’t replying on purpose.

His stepdad sent another one: Real fun that I managed to capture this! Wonder how (Y/N)'s doing now. Heard she went to the final Richmond game. Did you see her?

Yeah, after the game. Jamie answered honestly, as the valet handed him his keys and he got into the car.

That's nice you got to catch up with her. You guys were inseparable, back then. Well, stay safe, Jamie!

That was the end of the conversation, but a part of Jamie wanted to believe it was a sign. He didn't really believe in all that universal power and destiny type of thing, but if it gave him an excuse to reach out, he was going to take it.

That same night, you were at your flat, supposedly resting. Sundays were the only days you never had a class scheduled, but you were behind on grading your students' drafts because you had to allot a new chunk of your time to helping Liv with your maid-of-honor duties. Now, you were sitting on the floor of your living room in the same tank top and pajama pants you woke up in, racing through your students' papers that you promised to return the next day. Say what you will about procrastination, but it has never failed you once.

As you finish writing the grade on one of the papers, you get a call from an unknown number. You're too focused on the task at hand to fully comprehend it, and so you just press accept and put it on speaker.

"Hello, who's this?" You say mindlessly, your eyes scanning through the next essay.

"Uh, it's Jamie," Your underline extends just a little bit past the line due to your surprise. When you don’t say anything in reply to that, he takes the chance to explain, "I'm in the area and I was starving. I got a pizza, but I don't think I can finish it by myself, so if you're hungry, maybe I can pass by?"

Once you got past the initial shock, you were now contemplating whether or not to take him up on his offer. You honestly thought the car ride was going to be the end of it. But you were starving too and it was getting too late to order any food without seriously inconveniencing some workers at the end of their shift, so against your better judgment, you say yes.

You move to start fixing up your place to look more put together, but the doorbell rings before you get the chance to. Oh, fuck it, he's seen worse. You walk over to the door and find Jamie already here carrying a box of pizza. His hair was neatly slicked back and while it's weird to see him properly groomed late at night, you know that he's always been particular about his hair.

"How'd you get here so fast?" You questioned.

"I may have already been waiting outside when I called." Jamie shrugs and you give him a playful look. He seems to instantly relax at your reaction and you let him inside. He goes to place the box on your kitchen counter but takes a look around what you considered to be a messy apartment.

The university set you up with a good flat with two bedrooms, much to your parents' delight. It was mostly furnished when you moved in, so it was just up to you to decorate it. You liked the look of plants in a house but were always shit at taking care of them, so succulents and LEGO flowers were the compromises. You sprinkled photos around the place from different points in your life. In one of your more forgiving moments, you even hung some childhood pictures with Jamie, but moved them to the top of your bookshelf so you wouldn't have to see them everyday.

"Stevie Nicks, nice." He pointed to one of the albums you had hanging above your TV. It was next to your copy of Folklore and Punisher. Maybe a slight outlier, but you grew up with her music thanks to Jamie. 

"Yeah," You turned back to the footballer to see him fully decked out in a dark grey suit with a blue collared shirt under that was a little oversized for him, but somehow, he made it work. You join him at the counter and lean on it, before pointing out, "A little dressed up for a late-night pizza run, don't you think?"

"Oh, yeah," He looked down at his outfit before opening the box and turning to you. "Was on a date before this. A teammate of mine set it up."

You stop yourself from showing your surprise at this revelation. You don't even know why you're surprised; he was obviously going on dates all the time like most footballers did. Maybe you were just surprised that he wasn’t currently in a relationship.

"How'd it go?" You ask nonchalantly, reaching over to grab two plates from the drying rack and a slice of pizza for yourself.

Jamie doesn't even try and hide his reaction to you asking, but he answers anyway. "As well as a date where neither of you spoke a word to each other could go. So, pretty shit." When his team would ask him about it on Monday, he was going to lie and say that things were fine, but they probably weren't going on another date. But he needed to be honest with one person.

You cover your mouth as you chew to stop the laughter. "Damn, that sucks."

The two of you go to the living room area and you move around the papers to make space for your plates.

"What's all this?" After unbuttoning his coat, Jamie took it off and hung it neatly on the arm of your coach before helping you stack up the papers in a neat pile. "You're a teacher?"

"Yup, I'm a professor." You clarified and settled down on the couch to put on a sitcom on your TV. "They offered me the job when I was completing my Master’s degree, but I decided to stay on cause I liked teaching."

Jamie raised his eyebrows and tilted his head. You furrow yours and ask, "Why? You surprised?"

"Well yeah, you hated tutoring back then." He points out and all you can do is scoff.

"Correction, I hated tutoring you." Jamie almost looks offended, but you continue. "Almost every one of our tutoring sessions ended early cause you kept finding ways to distract me or convince me to take a 'break.' All my other tutees were manageable."

"And yet, you kept up with it." He gives you a triumphant look and you playfully roll your eyes.

"Yeah, because I loved Aunt Georgie and knew how bad she felt every time you failed an exam." You remind him. "It was worth putting up with your nonsense because your marks got better every time I helped you out."

Jamie laughs and you feel a pang in your chest. The last time the two of you had been in a situation like this, — hanging out and just talking on a couch, — was seven years ago. You weren't sure which of your emotions were stronger: the warmth from being able to do this with him again or the pain from knowing why you stopped. But right now, you just wanted to enjoy it.

And turns out, Jamie was thinking about something similar, too. Only he verbalized it after a quiet moment. "I missed this. I missed you."

You couldn't stop the smile from creeping up on your face, but couldn't bring yourself to say it back, so instead you simply say, "Same."

Before it gets too awkward, Jamie decides to ask, "So aside from deciding to be a nerd for life," you punch him lightly in the arm, "what else have you been doing these past few years?"

You're not really sure where to start. You couldn't ask him to start because the media made sure to tell you every detail of his life, so you just start from where you left off. 

"I guess, I started joining clubs in uni. Not ones for applications anymore, but things I liked. So I did some performing in an on-campus club which was nice." Jamie was always the first to compliment you on your voice because he was the only person you were willing to sing in front of. It did suck looking back that he couldn’t be there the first time you performed in front of the crowd, but that was his fault, wasn’t it?

"After graduation, I moved here to be a lab technician but didn't really like that, hence why I became a professor. What else? Dated a bit, here and there, but nothing ever serious." You don't know why you admitted that to him, but you continue on. "I'd go traveling with Mom and Dad during summer and with Liv, my best friend, too. Do some performing on faculty nights and... I think that's it."

Jamie nods his head, absorbing the information, and you add, "Not that remarkable, I know. At least, compared to your footballer lifestyle."

"Nah. I mean, it's been fun, but less exciting than you think." Jamie was definitely downplaying it, both of you knew that.

"Oh please, didn't you date Keeley Jones, and become teammates with Roy fucking Kent? Sixteen-year-old you would be reeling!" 

You still remember the time that he put up their posters, both of them. And truthfully, you were more unsettled by Roy's poster than Keeley's. It felt like he was staring into your soul every time you slept over. "Kinda surprised though that you guys became rivals. I thought you'd be worshipping the ground he walked on if you got to work with him."

He hesitates and for a second, you think you've said something wrong. But he explains, "Yeah, I was a prick when I got loaned to Richmond and he didn't really like that as captain, y'know? But I think we're good now. Well, better. Pretty sure he still doesn't like me, but at least we're not fighting during matches anymore."

His tone was playful, but Jamie definitely felt bad about how his relationship with his idol turned out. He really did admire Roy Kent and that was very clear to everyone around you back then. There was a time that Chelsea had a match in Manchester, but it was during class hours, so you begged your dad on his vacation day to go to the hotel where they were staying and get his Roy Kent poster signed. You've never seen him happier. So knowing that for a point in time, they hated each other's guts, the Jamie you knew would be absolutely crushed.

"Well, he's your coach now, so maybe you'll get a chance to bond with him like the younger you always dreamed about." You offer, and Jamie just chuckles.

The rest of the night was spent catching up on each other's lives until it was almost 11 and Jamie had to head off. For a moment there, you forgot you were ever mad at him. That it was time and busy schedules that kept you apart all these years. But after passing by your bookshelf and spotting an old picture of the two of you at seventeen, it gives you a reality check.

No, stop dwelling on the past. You didn't need to, anymore. Things were fine now. You didn't have to harbor any anger for Jamie anymore. You shook any thoughts about it away and got ready for bed.

—

"Fuck, why did you ever quit doing research?" Liv points out and you just chuckle at her reaction. The two of you met up after your last class of the day for early dinner and while waiting for your dishes, she asked you for some help with the dosages of the most recent drug she was working on.

"Teaching was my calling." You also had more flexible hours, a summer break, and free housing, but you didn't feel the need to point that out. Once she finalizes the notes on the formulas, she stuffs them back into her bag and starts telling you about all the new office drama.

You and Liv had gotten the same degree from Cardiff and were coincidentally in the same hall as well, so many nights of yours were spent studying on the same exams and quizzing one another into the early hours of the morning. You had become practically inseparable, and even after graduation, you applied to the same companies and were roommates for a bit.

Then she and Frankie started to get serious and since it was around the time you changed jobs, she moved in with him and you started living on your own. Even after the changes and not sharing a single bathroom anymore, the two of you still spent as much time together as possible. You probably wouldn't have made it through uni and early adult life without her.

"Also, do you remember Marta? From sales?" You groan at the reminder of your former co-worker. "She got fired! She was forging budget reports!”

"Oh fuck," you exclaim and Liv just laughs at your reaction. "It's about time, though! She made the interns' lives a living hell, especially the women. Then when you get promoted above her, she'd act like you were best friends."

Soon, your food arrives and you take a break from chatting until you're on your way back to your flat. It was the nearer one of the two and Frankie had night shift at the hospital, so you just planned on watching a movie there.

While walking, Liv brings up the wedding and you enthusiastically join in. "I found some flower arrangements and centerpieces that might work for each of your possible themes. I'll show you the magazines when we get back to my place."

"God, I love you," Liv brings you in for a side hug as you go up the stairs of your building and you happily reciprocate it, despite the awkward position. When you finally get back, you dart to your dining room table to collect the magazines.

Your phone pings and you open it to find a picture from Jamie. His background looked like a salon, also seeing as his hair was dyed and blow-dried.

Blond? Bold choice. You send in reply, before adding, Looks good though.

Walnut mist, actually. He adds and you roll your eyes at the message before pocketing your phone again.

As you go back to opening the magazine to the pages you want to show to Liv, she suddenly asks, "You thinking about bringing a date to the wedding?"

You scoff in reply. "No, why?"

"I don't know, maybe you'd want to bring whoever the owner of this jacket is." You tilt your head in confusion before turning around to see her holding up Jamie's jacket. How had he forgotten that here? And there was no way to convince her it was yours because she knew your wardrobe better than you probably did. "Better start talking now."

You stuff the magazines under your arm before going back over to here and grabbing it. "Okay look, I did have a guy over, but it's not what you think." Liv's eyes instantly light up, but you try and calm her as you blurt out, "It's Jamie's! He came over last night to share a pizza and we just talked."

"Jamie? As in Jamie Tartt? Formerly Man City, now AFC Richmond Jamie Tartt?" Liv repeats and you nod, causing her expression to contort. "I thought you hated the guy!"

"I do!" You defend yourself. "I used to, but he gave me a ride home after the Richmond final and we patched things up."

"So he apologized?"

"Not necessarily," Liv looks like she's about to yell at you by how wide her eyes got, but you hold out your hands again. "I told him not to! I just... I don't want to deal with all of that right now."

Liv gives you sympathetic eyes before she brings you down to sit on the couch. There are a few quiet moments before she finally says something. "Look, I know that he meant a lot to you and that you guys used to be close, so yeah, maybe you don't need an apology to fix things. I don’t know how your friendship was, but honestly (Y/N), from experience, denying it won't fix it. You've harbored such strong feelings for him for so long and I saw how it broke you that night. Talking through it with him might be a good thing, even if it's hard. Cause at some point, you might just explode because of it."

"I know," you admit. "You're obviously right! But, I don't want to talk about it just yet. It's nice being able to spend time with him again." She gives you a disappointed look, so you simply add. "I promise. Triple swear, I will talk about it with him and you'll be the first to know what happens."

"Okay, good." She seems satisfied with the promise, especially since you used your ultimatum with her that you made back in college. Back then, you used it to promise that you'd load each other's clothes into the machine. But now, it was used for bigger things. "Now, let's look through these stylings you picked, yeah?"

A/N: yay! another chapter done and i hope you like this one! reader should definitely start listening to liv (tee hee). i apologize if it’s a little fast paced but there’s only a few chapters in this fic so bear with me and i hope you all still enjoy it. i'm definitely thinking of doing insert chapters and outtakes like illiterateaffairs’ distraction series once it’s over if you guys would be interested in that! that’s all, see you next time!

TAGLIST: @moonflowersandsparkles @faith-alons26 @rexorangecouny @aiyaiy @thegirlthatwantedtowrite @giggling-sewer-ginger @katdahlali @higherthanheroes @guccilongboard @alipap3 @rockchickrebel @ellietartt @shineforever19 @skewedcherries @jamirtarttdodo @scaramou @rae4725 @oxxolovemelikeyoudooxxo (couldn't tag you for some reason?)

#jamie tartt #jamie tartt x reader #jamie tartt reader #ted lasso #jamie tartt fanfiction #jamie tartt imagine #jamie tartt fic #ted lasso fanfic #jamie tartt fanfic #jamie tartt fluff #jamie tartt x f!reader #jamie tartt x female reader #it's nice to have a friend series

[saharaadesertt]

˖˚˳⊹Blue Lock University: an Uni AU˖˚˳⊹

included: aiku, chigiri, gagamaru, kaiser, isagi, nagi, reo, rin, sae, shindou

note: already thinking about uni even though i still have two months LMFAOOO i am catching up on bllk and i finally made it to the different team battles. idk y'all manshine city kinda slaps all of these HC's are not official! check out part 2!

aiku

oh god, this guy gives off business major energy

most definitely in a frat, you can't prove me wrong

the kind of student that slacks off and parties all night but manages to do decent on exams and in class

not stellar but decent

insanely popular, gets all the girls but doesn't know how to keep them

the class clown

professors hate him so much but he does well enough where they can't lecture him

chigiri

Sports medicine major: wants to help people the way doctors helped him when he tore his acl

also oversees track and xc meets because of his speed

can be spotted at the cafe studying most of the time

likes to spend time to himself but doesn't mind seeing friends once in a while

but when he has a deadline he will focus on that 1000%

Everyone likes him, he gets good grades and is always very good with finishing things on time

His sister and mom visit him often, a family boy!

loves when people compliment his hair

gagamaru

Agricultural science or archeology major: mans is in the mountains constantly

probably does research there

a little bit of an oddball, mostly on the quiet end in class

that being said, he's an underdog in his class rank and always performs suspiciously well

people are scared of him because of his stoic aura but is a genuinely good person to get advice from and study with

if you get past his quirks, he's a great friend and an ever better person to depend on when you need it

kaiser

please hear me out

at first i thought "another business major but THEN"

i realized he could also be a really self-centered, full of himself STEM major

so i am going to say he is in computer science and thinks he is the true pioneer

honestly, the person that people complain about after class

tryhard and complains about getting a B on something

that being said, if you get on his good side, he is slightly more kind to you

isagi

kind of the same as kaiser but a psychology major, more popular, and much nicer lol

likes to study athletes and wonder if their personalities line up with how they play

a hard worker and studier, his weekends are rarely for rest

likes to go out though, he takes comfort in small things like visiting friends and grocery shopping

believe a healthy body is consistent with a healthy mind so is constantly health-conscious and drinks a ton of water

his parents send him care packages occasionally :))

nagi

this guy is undecided for now major-wise but will probably do something in video game development or digital communication

possibly cybersecurity if he actually wants to put in the work

lazy as hell but we knew this

constantly skips or sleeps in class but manages to do well

reo has to wake him up or call him if he has an early class he cannot miss or an exam or else nagi would legit miss it

isn't seen out much but when he is, he's with reo

fond of arcades, hoodies, and sweatpants

president of the gaming club and is surprisingly popular because of his gaming abilities

i believe him and reo share an apartment that the mikages help with financially because at this point nagi is like a second son to them <3

reo

another business major, this time marketing

president of the uni's business frat for sure

the definition of star student

everyone loves him but he only hold a few close to him because he knows a lot of people gravitate to him for his money

despite his family line, he is the most humble person you'll ever meet

super polite and respectful

he and nagi live in a shared apartment and only a select few friends get to come over

but when they do, reo shows them the best hospitality and above all, they actually study since he is a man of his word

rin

Definitely doing something in sports administration

the tryhard that is usually quiet, but piss him off and he WILL let you know

part of the school's podcast and newspaper club, where he works on reporting sports and talking to athletes

hates to be compared to his brother who is in the same major as him

gets jealous easily and finds it hard to keep a relationship because of this

communication is key for him in all aspects

sae

also sports adminstration

quieter than his brother but also has more attitude

enjoys being alone no matter where on campus he is in

but also popular

an ace student

is a part of a soccer travel team so is away a lot

drinks venti cold brews

shindou

biology... i don't need to explain LMFAOOOO

is VERY interested in all that stuff

actually a good student but is a class clown

doesn't take work seriously but does well enough

befriends everyone although he is a little unhinged

no filter at all

loves sugary coffee and staying up until the sun rises

would be part of the improv team bc he has a quick mouth and is quick thinking

thanks for reading!

#headcanon #blue lock #hc #blue lock headcanons #bllk #oliver aiku #gagamaru gin #gagamaru #nagi seishiro #seishiro nagi #reo mikage #mikage reo #isagi yoichi #michael kaiser #chigiri hyoma #itoshi rin #itoshi sae

[judes-hoe]

Can I request a Trent Alexander Arnold x reader gf! Trent goes to Milano fashion week & surprises his gf with a ticket for her since her birthday is coming up soon (inspo is bc my birthday is Wednesdays lolz). This trip is big for them since they’re not super public since she’s just a uni girl but one things for sure is that they’re in love & Trent want to takes the next step with her & asks her to move in with him.

HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY BABY🎊

Surprise ~ TAA66

Warnings ~ none just fluff

A/N ~ this is super cute and I wrote this at 12am so bear with me, also didn’t have the energy to write about the actual show or whatever you want to call it.☹️☹️ sorry.

~~~~~~~~

Your we’re currently on your way to your boyfriends house, he had said he wanted to send the day with you before he leaves for Milan in a couple days. He and his brother Marcel going together.

You got to his house, locking your car and walking up to the door. You walk in taking your shoes and coat off. “Baby I’m here” you shout out into the house. “Hey baby” he says walking over to you in grey sweatpants and a black sweatshirt. “Missed you” he said hugging you. “Missed you too baby” you said rubbing his back up and down. “Trent man I know you miss you girlfriend mate but we’re playing the game” his brother Marcel shouted from the living room. Trent rolls his eyes at you. “Marcel shut up, just mad you don’t have a girlfriend” he said walking with you back to the living room. “Hi Marcel” you said with a little wave. “Hi y/n” he said with a nod.

You sat next to Trent cuddled into his side watching him and Marcel playing the game and scrolling on your phone. “Alright im gonna go take a shower and we can play after if you want” marcel said setting the controller down. “Yeah sure” Trent said setting his down as well. Marcel walked up the stairs and to the guest room.

“Okay I’m sorry baby my attention is all on you” Trent said kissing your head and watching your phone. “I’m gonna miss you while you’re in Milan” you said closing your phone and looking up at him. “I’m about that” he said with a look. “What did you do trent” you asked knowing he did something. “I got an extra ticket if you want to come, I know your birthday is coming up and I want it to be a surprise/birthday present, and I know we haven’t gone public but we can make up something if rumors start, I just want you to come with me, even if you don’t go to the sho-“ he started rambling. “Trent of course I’ll go with you, plus I’ve been meaning to tell you I’ve wanted to go public” you said with a smile.

“Perfect, I’m glad you agreed to come with me, so when you go home later pack clothes and come back tomorrow and you can spend the night so we can leave in the morning” he said. “Sounds perfect baby, can’t wait to see you in all these different outfits” you said with a smile. “I forgot to ask how uni has been, how’d you do on your exams” he asked as he softly ran his hand up and down your arm. “I passed all my exams, I thought I was gonna fail at least one but I didn’t” you said with a smile. “My smart girl” he said giving you a kiss.

~~~~~~~~~~

Trent, you, and Marcel just arrived in Milan. Currently heading to your hotel you’d be staying at for the next couple days. “I’ve always wanted to visit Milan, so beautiful” you said looking out the car window. “Beautiful like you” Trent said kissing the side of your head. “Gross” Marcel said with a fake gag. Leading Trent to smack his arm lightly.

You and trent signed into the hotel while Marcel went out to adventure. You and Trent go up to your room, placing your bags on the floor and throwing Marcels on his bed. You plop yours and Trent’s bed, tired from the jet lag. “Can we take a quick nap” you asked Trent, he looks at the time and sees that you both don’t anywhere for a while. He quickly texts Marcel saying what room number were in and that you and him are taking a nap.

“Before we do though I have a question” he said laying next to you. “What is it” you asked. “Will you move in with me, we’ve been dating a little over a year, it’s your last year at uni, and the apartment you have is just enough for you, and I’m ready for this next step” he said slightly nervous. “Of course I’ll move in with you Trent, I’d be the best thing” you said kissing his forehead,then his nose, then his lips. “Now let’s take that nap” he said closing his eyes cuddling closer. “This is the best birthday present ever by the way” you say before also drifting off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

#trent alexander arnold #trent alexander x you #trent alexander arnold smau #trent alexander arnold fluff #trent alexander arnold blurb #trent alexander arnold x reader #trent aa #trent alexander imagines #judes-hoe😚

[fairyhaos]

seventeen and exams

how i think seventeen will study for important exams

notes: inspired by me, and my friends, who are currently going through exams. tag yourself y'all, im jeonghan

masterlist

seungcheol:

tries to study rlly hard, spends an hour looking over his notes then proclaims loudly that test scores don't actually matter and you shouldn't base someone's self-worth on a bunch of numbers before throwing his stuff into the air. before he goes into the exam, he tells everyone to not expect anything from him. gets practically full marks. 

jeonghan:

one of those superstitious people who says that eating chocolate before having an exam helps you perform better. the members still don't know whether he actually believes it or uses it as an excuse to eat half a box of chocolate before his exams. meditates (prays) with minghao on the day of the exam. crams in the two days before, pulls all-nighters and is all charged up in caffeine and sugar. scores super high, so does it all again next time too

joshua:

goes round telling everyone to do your best!!! your best is all that you can do when it comes to tests and don't feel bad if you fail, especially if you're mingyu or seungkwan!!!! tutors the younger members in maths/ english when they get stuck, literally looks like a cute nerdy uni tutor when he puts on his rimmed glasses. claps when everyone gets their results, never tells anyone what his were

junhui:

firm believer of Winging It. hoshi swears that junhui has photographic memory or smth bc if anyone ever has a question about the material he answers back in record time despite having not looked at his notes Once ever since he wrote them in class. gets the third highest score out of all of them. is basically a genius trapped in a catboy's body

hoshi:

almost kills himself trying to cram for his exam a week before. lives on energy drinks, cookies and sometimes the carrot sticks that joshua brings him. gets asked by wonwoo if he's slept at all, answers with "red". can barely focus on the paper when he's in the actual exam bc he's so tired. is going to go back into hibernation once he's done the exam, couldn't care less about the result anymore

wonwoo:

he's a nerd, so he gets full marks. makes a three month study plan, ends up only following the first month of it and the last two weeks of it. randomly yells questions at junhui at various times during the day, gets increasingly more exasperated when the guy keeps getting the answers right. stays up the night before the exam playing games, blacks out during the test but still does rlly well

woozi:

he's studying for it, okay, just not as intensely as soonyoung or wonwoo. makes a study plan that's less intense than hoshi's (admittedly, that guy doesn't even have a plan, he's just stu-dying), manages to actually follow through with it. asks joshua to help him with some stuff, buys the elder chocolate after the exam when he does well

minghao:

meditates his way through it. nah, he's studying too. is more relaxed about it, believes that half of the exam is just knowing the right way to word stuff. you could learn half the content and pass with high marks. and tbh, he's right. uses almost exclusively flashcards, carries them everywhere to randomly test himself n others. goes to joshua and junhui to double check his info, makes sure that hoshi's supply of cookies is all stocked up

mingyu:

prays to the gods. he knows he's smart enough to do all this, but has the attention span of a ball of wool and none of it is Staying in his head. steals some of jeonghan's chocolate, cries in wonwoo's bed after he's done the exam saying that he failed it. is pleased when his test scores come back and he finds that he Didn't fail it at all. the little shit smh

dokyeom:

either passes really well, or just barely doesn't make the pass. is practically joshua's permanent student. part-time studying partner of hoshi, part-time breakdown partner of seungkwan. also steals jeonghan's chocolate before the exam. is the most positive when they get their test scores, bouncing around and hyping everyone up so they don't feel too worried

seungkwan:

has a mental breakdown four (4) times while studying. declares himself done with revising a total of six (6) times. his room is a mess of  papers and flashcards. followed the advice of people on the internet and bought a wall-covering whiteboard, which he's covered in red ink and his tears. has one last crying session with dokyeom in the corner of the living room the night before the exam. comes out of the hall saying how badly he messed up and makes the members feel so bad that mingyu buys him ice cream

vernon:

locks himself in his room, has his headphones on his head almost permanently. walks around the living room like he's never seen it before, stares blankly at all the members he encounters as if he's meeting them for the first time. no one knows what he's revising. or how he's revising. practically only comes out of his self-isolation the day of the exam, wishing everyone good luck before gliding out the door like some sort of spirit

chan:

is the one providing everyone with positive reinforcement even more than shua!! hypes everyone up, encouraging everyone to keep going. gives like 5 members shoulder massages every night. no one ever knows when he has time to revise by himself bc he's always sitting with someone and listening to them rant. does moderately well on his tests, is praised endlessly by his members bc they're so grateful for how much he helped them

currently taking requests

#fairyhaos.works #seventeen #svt #seventeen fic #seventeen drabble #seventeen headcanons #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #svt fluff #kpop writing #scoups #seungcheol #jeonghan #joshua hong #hong jisoo #junhui #hoshi #soonyoung #wonwoo #woozi #jihoon #minghao #the8 #mingyu #dokyeom #seokmin #seungkwan #hansol #vernon #chan

[jazz-bazz]

Lab Coat AU

very self indulgent au (sometimes also kinda diary dump) bcs this major stressing me out and ghouls make things better… so might as well stress out the ghouls by projecting, also kinda manifesting 🤞

the idea came from talking about ghouls with @hypnoneghoul when we’re both in class 😬 and i thought ‘nuclear scientist dew with a messy bun in lab goggles’ then @alwaysjustmina asked me about it and she wrote a little something (thank you so much 🖤) and i ran with it… and it took a 90° turn bcs it ended up being different, though the coffee shop is still there and phantom also works there, but now rain is also a scientist and everyones a scientist and some are professors, and yeah, you get it

the general idea is that they’re all scientists working in the same building, though they have different topics and are working for different degree levels, but theyre close friends, even the profs are also nice and chill (unlike mine)

on the weekends they do various things, but often get together for some down time at zenith, copias bar. oh and they also often get lunch together at terzo‘s diner or snacks at the coffee shop phantoms working at

dew and rain are pining for each other (so said the other ghouls who have a bet going on, actually theyve been secretly dating since their fifth semester, and rain is planning to propose after they’re both done with their phds but dew got there first 😂, copia knows bcs rain was drunk)

copia and aether are dating, sunshine and mountain have been on several dates and we’re just waiting for mountain to ask her out, swiss is courting phantom and phantoms also crushing on aurora…

who else hmm… i kinda wanna have zephfrit but i have no idea how to connect their storylines… and cirrus cumulus… i have too many ghouls and no idea how to connect them 😭

under the cut i put their research topics and the degree theyre working on, and also what they do on weekends, which is not gonna interest anyone but me but 🤷‍♀️

side note : these are inspired by real professors and lab supervisors in my own university, and also the building layout are also kinda based on my own, and some misc facts too… okay im basing a lot of this on my own uni 😬 let me make make my life sounds more interesting than it actually is okay, and also i need distractions

side side note : im aiming to do my bachelor‘s degree end of this year, and my current plan is to do it in the group im basing mist‘ from… who knows how that will go, but hey, manifesting

also special mention to you guys who patiently read through my ramblings @webbyghoul @sexy-sea-basss and @mikorsghouls who said you wanted to hear about this

OrgChem :

Mist -> (Prof) Photosensitive molecules in biological processes

Rain -> (PhD) Bioluminescence for cancer research, has etsy shop for crochet plushies

Cumulus -> (Prof) Environmentally friendly substitutes, weekends volunteer at hospital

Mountain -> (PhD) CFC for environment, helps at the family owned flower shop

Swiss -> (Master) SF6 substitute for cooling mediums, sings at local bar on weekends

TheoChem :

Cirrus -> (Prof) Highly precise method to research the structure of matter and fundamental interactions, coffee shop manager for weekends

Zephyr -> (PhD) Vibronic effects in electronic transitions, play piano with Swiss at the bar

Cowbell -> (Master) Compounds of heavy elements and their properties

PhysChem :

Omega -> (Prof) Quintessence / Dark energy and dark matter, volunteer at the hospital on weekends

Dew -> (PhD) Nuclear physics for dark matter, interaction of WIMP (weakly interacting massive particles) with nuclear matter (modeling the WIMP-Nucleus interaction), teaches some kids guitar on weekends or evenings

Aether -> (PhD) Dark energy and Einstein’s theory of gravity

(these 3 are less physchem and more just phys)

Alpha -> (Prof) Surface chem for harvest, storage, and transformation of energy

Sunshine -> (Master) Development of long lasting low cost solid batteries, work at the city library on weekends

InorgChem :

Special -> (Prof) Controlled electron transfer at heavy metal complexes

Ifrit -> (Master) Metalorganic catalysts from transition metals

Aurora -> (Undergrad) Med student, coffee shop regular

Phantom -> (Undergrad) Chem, coffee shop barista

#lab coat au #ghost hc #my hcs #now i need to make a summary of my ochem course bcs theres only 12 days left 😭 #and wtf even is atropisomeres 😭

[b4tracha]

Getting Closer to SKZ

(Sorry I disappeared,, I have been busy with uni..)

Bang Chan: Because he is a very busy person, he honestly forgot that he gave you his number until randomly he got a message asking if you wanted to hang out. He was clueless until he realized you were the hot guy from that group hangout. He almost immediately said yes, but calmed down once he realized how insane he would probably look to him. Instead, he calmly said yes, and the very next day after a recording session, he was going to go eat with you.

Getting closer was easier than he thought it would be honestly. Chan can be very shy when it comes to very attractive men, so the fact you wanted to interact with him was mindblowing. You could make the stupidest joke in the world and Chan would giggle like a child, ears hot and red. Your smile, charm, demeanor and just attitude had the man hooked. 

Now you guys were hanging out at least multiple times a week. Because Chan was a very busy guy, that usually meant you were in the JYPE building in his mini studio watching him work in awe and giving comments while he got bashful and tried to hide. He tried to keep you away from the other members, but the other members of 3racha were bound to meet you. Now you were the subject of Chan teasing. He couldn’t go outside the dorm without Jisung or Changbin going, “Going out with Y/N again~?” He hated to admit that they were actually right most of the time.

Lee Know: The second he was home with Dori after the check, he took a selfie with each individual of his cats. He talked about them alot to you while at the vet and he wanted to show them off to you(while also showing his visuals off as well.) He giggled when you fawned over Soonie and Doongi as you haven’t met them. That was then the start of the “play dates.”

The kitten you had rescued and then decided adopt and take care of was obviously too young and small for her to be around the other three, but that didn’t stop Minho from begging you to come over with her, so he could cuddle her while watching you play with his babies. He was very persuasive when he was whiney, but you didn’t mind all that much.

He kept you hidden from the members and wouldn’t mention you to the other members, not for any particular reason. He just wanted you to himself, much like a cat. Once he was on break, he would beg for you to come to his house in Gimpo to bring his baby (you or the kitten, didn’t matter the answer.)

Changbin: You weren’t exactly a regular there as he found out when he went the next day and you both ended up talking. You just had a bad muscle strain and required weeks of physical therapy to build it back up properly. He didn’t mind honestly. He actually enjoyed helping you in your workouts and even gave tips so it wouldn’t happen again.

After workouts, you guys eventually started to eat together afterwards and exchanged contacts. You could rip the loudest laugh out of him honestly. Every couple minutes, the restaurant would be a decent volume and then you’d hear Changbin’s laugh rip from the corner of the room. At some point the owners even threatened to kick you guys out before you guys just left and walked for a bit until it was time to part ways. If Stay saw a workout video or two from a new angle, it was probably from you. Not that they would need to know..

Hyunjin: Hyunjin is an artist. That meant sometimes he had try new things. Meeting you gave him just the right amount of motivation to keep doing down the art shop and buying new things. You must think he was going broke with the way he kept going in and out and at a chance of getting a glance of seeing you. 

Eventually, he got the courage to ask to draw you. It came out of nowhere for you, because he doesn’t say that much to you, but he does tend to stare but it did start to make sense now. Nonetheless, you did agree and went to a local coffee chop and he started to sketch you doing random things like a boost of sudden energy to make anything under the sun. Once he was done, you both started to talk about art and your favorite styles and mediums and artists and anything you could find. 

Hyunjin felt like it was easy to talk to you. He felt like it was easy to look at you. He would find himself doodling you. He didn’t mind that much as sometimes he would just change a few things and post it on Instagram or Bubble for Stay. Maybe you were easy to write about too..

Han: When you offered him ice cream, at first he thought a little small cone or something. No, you asked him what flavor he wanted and got him the biggest cup you can get for it. When Jisung went to say something, you just admitted wanted to talk to him more. Que brain circuit. No, that’s okay.

Han enjoys talking to you alot. You both ended up going to the park together more often, which was kind of a shock for the home body that his dorm mates usually knew. You guys would walk the trail, or lay in the grass and talk, or even feed the fish or ducks in the pond whenever you guys could. It was relaxing being with you and letting go for once. 

 One day, he brought you back to the dorm to show you a song he made and he never felt more nervous in his life. At first, your face was unreadable but once it was done there was a big goofy smile on your face that just made his heart hammer twice as much. 

Felix: Before his manager could pull him away, you ended up slipping your number in his pocket. He didn’t realize at first, so he was bummed that he could never talk to the hot guy that was flirting with him again. That was until the wind blew a little too hard and he dug his hands in his pockets, finding the paper. He was shocked, yet impressed. As soon as he got privacy, he added you in his contacts and spammed you. 

Neither lived in the country that the event was being hosted at and you didn’t live in South Korea, so it would be hard to meet in person. However, that didn’t mean anything to him. He loved texting you. If you thought his messages on bubble were excessive, his messages with you were even more extreme. Anything he did in his day would be accompanied with a selfie and a message. And like you were when you first met, you called him pretty and told him about your own busy day. It wasn’t perfect like he wanted it, but he enjoyed talking to you. If someone asked who his last contact was? Well, he would have to plead the fifth.

Seungmin: Because of you, the company put a restriction on how much coffee Seungmin could drink. He would come in every day before any lessons or practices starts and if your shift hasn’t ended, would come back. He enjoyed going to that little shop so much that he even had your work scheduled memorized so he didn’t come when you weren’t there.

Eventually, the conversations started outside the coffee shop (because of the restriction.) He wasn’t that big of a texter, but he did love checking up on you during dance practice or vocal lessons breaks. Even at work, you answered him quick. If a member asked who had him smiling so big, he snap with some stupid snarky comment everyone knows he doesn’t mean. He wanted to keep you his little secret just for a little longer. Even Jeongin, who goes with him everywhere, doesn’t know about you just yet. 

I.N: The next time he saw you he wasn’t having a shopping spree. He honestly almost forgot about you. Being an idol, it was hard to constantly keep up with people. You tapped him on the shoulder and spoke to him casually like that was something normal to do. He was worried it was a fan, but it was just you. The store was having a slow day, so he just decided to stay there. You talked about fashion, aesthetics, and even the tips you said you wanted.

But after a while, your boss told you off about talking to customers while on the job, so you had to stop. Jeongin got annoyed about it, but you didn’t care that much. As much as you hated your boss, he wasn’t around that often and you liked working there and people-watching and seeing all the visions people had with clothes. You both decided to exchange numbers and send different things like clothes and shoes or even stupid posts you found funny. If you wanted to complain about your bosses, you’d go to each other and give each other advice as best as possible. The two of you were definitely two peas in a pod. 

#skz #stray kids #bang chan #lee know #changbin #hyunjin #han jisung #lee felix #kim seungmin #yang jeongin #stray kids x male reader #stray kids x reader

[wen-kexing-apologist]

You in your post about Step by Step and homelessness: “and boy do I have more thoughts on when and where and how the connection between Jeng and Pat deepens over the last couple episodes in relation to the workplace and homophobia”. And you have touched on and delved into this issue in other posts as well. Could I ask you to elaborate on some of your thoughts on how homophobia and ignorance are at play in this series and Jeng and Pat’s relationship? Mostly because I really want to hear them, and also because I have to do a presentation at uni next week about diversity and differences in culture in the workplace and I want to use it to talk specifically about queer people in the workplace. I’m even considering bringing in this series explicitly to give some examples, because who am I if I can’t use a space where people are forced to listen to me to connect the topic to one I’m fervently passionate about? And so your insights on this general issue (and also @bengiyo’s and @shortpplfedup’s if they’re up for it, since they do seem to have thoughts on this as well—or anyone else who wants to talk about it), whether directly related to the series or not, would be greatly appreciated. I honestly should just drop the link to that post of yours in the class and let that speak for itself, because it is fantastic.

(Please don’t see this as a way for you to do my work, I am generally really interested in this topic and would like to hear other people’s thoughts on it. And you always bring so much big brain energy.)

Hello! Thank you for your ask! Warning: This is going to be LONG, (long long) 

Workplace and Homophobia

Relationship Development and The Workplace in Step By Step

My thoughts on homophobia in the Jian Group workplace and the way that influences where and how Pat and Jeng make progress in their relationship I think, would best be played out by showing a timeline based on episode and location. 

I will give you some explanations along the way, but since this is for a school assignment (and I have a separate Super Top Secret Agenda to get more people to write show analyses, I’m also going to make you draw some connections yourself). 

Episode 1:

We start in the office, establishing that Pat is a new hire, and that everyone is exploiting his labor → he is asked by Ying to go buy glass jelly → He spills it on Jeng’s shoes (Setting: in the workplace lobby but not when they have actually entered the office) → They stand together in the elevator and Jeng helps Pat hold some of the drinks, and tells Pat it’s fine when Pat apologizes for dropping the glass jelly → When the doors to the elevator open and Pat and Jeng are no longer alone and enclosed in a private space, Pat takes the drinks back, exits the elevator, steps on to his office floor, and then freaks when he sees the elevator go up to the executive’s suite.

Pat goes to a bakery after work (Setting: outside the workplace) → He sees Jeng through the window → He enters and starts flirting with Jeng

Pat goes to a restaurant (*cough* *cough* Pearl & Oliver) with his friends (Setting: outside workplace at Jeng’s restaurant) where he drunkenly starts openly thirsting after Jeng (Read: being openly, loudly queer) → Pat doesn’t want to get his hopes up: “maybe he’s straight”* \\ Ae: “many people are gay or bi these days, you must be brave” → Pat returns from the bathroom to a milk ice cream and glass jelly dessert that was given to the table by the restaurant owner, Jeng (Pat doesn’t know this last part). 

Pat goes back to the bakery (Setting: outside the office) and asks the cashier about Jeng → Pat runs in to Jaab and is introduced to Jen for the first time (Read: growing his queer network)

Cut to Pat at work sitting at a table with his coworkers (Setting: inside the office)…Ying…Ying rips a fruit in half and Prem says “Jeng makes us do a lot of work and he lacks humanity” → They keep telling Pat stories about Jeng and Pat asks about him casually → Prem says “Why are you asking, Pat? Or are you interested in Jeng?” and elbows him jokingly (Read: Pat has not told the office he is queer, but he is clockable) → The rest of the table continues to list complaint after complaint after complaint about Jeng, the only person who is questioning their abject hatred of Jeng before he has even arrived is Pat (and there are other considerations to be made here, Pat is young, Pat doesn’t know Jeng, there are probably some legitimate and valid critiques of Jeng’s management style here, but it is worth noting) → [This is for your project: Ying says “This is Thailand. In Thailand, older people should always be respected, although his father owns the company. He’s so young, but he doesn’t respect older workers.]

Pat goes to the bakery (Setting: outside work) and Jeng queues up behind him → Jeng initiates the interaction this time: “Are you cutting me in line to get that croissant?” → Pat responds back “I thought I would buy you a coffee” \\ Jeng: “It’s probably too late in the day for that” \\ Pat: “How about chocolate?” \\ Jeng: “I’ll take a hot one,” → They sit together at the bakery and Pat starts talking about the ideas he has to improve the bakery’s workflow → Jeng is already falling for Pat, he is trying not to smile too hard, he says Pat’s ideas are interesting, and he asks if he is in Digital Marketing, pointing to Pat’s ID, he checks Pat out when Pat rushes to take his lanyard off → Pat, not knowing that Jeng is his manager, confides in him: “Everyone in the office, especially the old employees, are really afraid of this manager”, Jeng asks if Pat believes all the things that his coworkers told him about the manager, and Pat responds: “I think it’s normal, it shows he’s concerned with the workflow, I don’t think he is fit for the WORK CULTURE AT JIAN GROUP and Jeng SMILES (to himself of course) 

That night Pat calls Ae (Setting: outside workplace) and gushes about the tall, gentlemanly guy he had an afternoon snack with → His straight friends all try to convince him to go for it when he tells them he’s scared. 

We flashback to Pat and Jeng in the bathroom (Setting: inside workplace, but again, not in the office itself) → Pat accidentally holds Jeng’s hand for a second trying to take the napkin and drinks from him → Pat apologizes \\ Jeng: “For what?” \\ Pat: “Nothing,” 

Karaoke Bar to celebrate a coworker’s retirement (Setting: outside workplace, but surrounded by coworkers and at work function), Pat is sitting by himself away from everyone else → Ae texts Pat and tells him to come to Pearl & Oliver → Pat leaves the retirement party just to sit outside the venue and figure out how to sneak off → Ying comes over and begs on her knees for Pat to help her re-format her slides before tomorrow: “You don’t seem to be enjoying the party I think you should go back and finish the work for me” → Pat stops by Pearl & Oliver, his friends have already gone home, he sees Jeng (Setting: outside workplace, and away from work function)

Pat goes home, (Setting: outside workplace) starts editing the slides, and just rants about the treatment he is receiving from Ying (it is at this point I would like to mention that part of Pat’s job is translating for his coworkers), Ying calls him (his home has now been tied to his work. See @colourme-feral’s posts about Pat’s desk being in his room)

Pat learned Jeng is his new manager (Setting: inside workplace) 

Questions: What patterns are you seeing emerge in Episode 1 around where Jeng and Pat interact? Are those patterns related to how Jeng and Pat interact? Are you seeing any themes popping up in the workplace? In how Pat’s coworkers interact with him? In how Pat’s coworkers talk about Jeng? If so, note them.

My Conclusions From Episode 1:

At all moments in this episode where Jeng and Pat exhibit romantic interest in each other they are somewhere outside of work.

Supporting Evidence: Their first meeting is in the lobby, somewhat of a liminal space between personal life and work life, the bathroom where Jeng cleans his shoes is in the lobby because his shoe was clean by the time they got in the elevator, Jeng is nice when in the elevator (the thing you take coming to and from work), Pat openly simps for Jeng to his friends outside of work, Jeng gives Pat’s table a milk ice cream and glass jelly dessert at his other job, sure, but Pat is not an employee at Pearl & Oliver so for our purposes this counts as “outside the workplace”, all other semi-blatant acts of flirting between Pat and Jeng happen at a bakery, where they have equal footing [Jeng is the manager of Pat’s Department, Jeng is the owner of Pearl & Oliver, Pat’s house is Pat’s space, Jeng’s house is Jeng’s space]

Pat is the only queer person (that we know of) in the office and on top of that he’s young and exploited, and that leaves him a) unable to relate to his coworkers and b) isolating himself

The adult employees are being homophobic. 

Supporting Evidence: literally Ying takes out her anger on a fruit, Prem says Jeng lacks humanity (despite not having seen him in at least a few years if at all?), they have decided they are already going to hate Jeng when he arrives because he is replacing their former (straight) manager [I am almost certain he references a wife and kids in his retirement speech] based off stories they have heard. Pat, the only queer person (we know of) in the office is the only one going up to bat for mysterious manager #1 

Possible Symbolism: Pat saying that Jeng might not fit in with the work culture at Jian Group is metaphor for Jeng’s queerness not being compatible with the homophobic corporate culture. 

Cheating Evidence: *having seen most of the show so far I can confidently say that there are far more overt portrayals of homophobia in the workplace in this show, some of which occur in the second episode. 

*Pat has been having people call him on thinking Jeng is straight since Episode 1. 

Episode 2

We open Episode 2 with Jeng and his Dad talking about the department Jeng started in the company (Setting: Inside the workplace). There is a veiled threat in there with Jeng’s Dad saying: “I’ll give you another chance to prove yourself again, on how this department is important to the company” (Read: prove you deserve to stay or I will punish you). 

Next scene Pat has Jeng on one side and Ying on the other (Setting: inside the workplace) while Pat rushes to meet a deadline that was given to him by Ying fo her mistakes → Jeng tries to help Pat → Pat pushes him away, realizes that he has just been rude to someone trying to help him → Ying tries to throw Pat under the bus for her mistake

Jeng, Pat, and Ying are in a meeting (Setting: inside the workplace) → Ying gets feedback about the professionalism of the slides → Ying looks straight at Pat and then starts apologizing saying there was a rush → Jeng looks down, puts his hand in front of his mouth, hides his reaction. 

Ying: “My coordinator” gestures to Pat \\ Jeng: *looks at Ying* \\ Ying: “He did it like that” \\ Jeng: *looks at Pat*. Pat stands up for himself, and Jeng’s head snaps up and stays trained on him, and he does not react, Prem reacts though

Pat is in the making coffee (Setting: in the workplace) and dissociating (this is the first time, but not the last time we will see Pat dissociating) and Prem comes up to Pat and starts questioning why Pat threw Ying under the bus the way he did by speaking up for himself: “You didn’t finish her work” is literally a line he says to Pat when he is telling Pat it is his fault that the slides were bad and belittling the work that Pat does, saying that it is simple and then questioning Pat’s intelligence. 

Jeng calls Pat into his office (Setting: inside workplace with no witnesses) → Pat does not make eye-contact with Jeng, he looks guilty, like a kicked puppy → Jeng starts the conversation off by telling Pat that he has spoken with Ying about her behavior → Pat looks up, smiles, and says “Mr. Jeng you understand me, right?” → Jeng says yes but then leads in to a conversation about how Pat needs to “learn how to control his emotions like people with maturity do” telling Pat “you still don’t understand the image and credibility of the team” → Jeng tells Pat this department (that Jeng started) is separate from the rest of the company → Jeng tells Pat honestly his concerns about the possible consequences of Pat not being in control of himself: “I’m afraid that someday the board will decide they don’t need this department” 

Pat cries in the bathroom and his coworker calls him for an urgent meeting

Jeng has the urgent meeting (Setting: inside workplace) where Jeng gives out project assignments → Pat is left off the assignments → Jeng tells Pat to speak to him after the meeting → Pat looks nervous and sad like he’s about to get in trouble, Prem and Ying seem…very happy

Jeng speaks with Pat after the meeting (Setting: inside the workplace, no witnesses) → Jeng tells Pat if he can handle a research and strategy assignment he will give Pat a brand to manage → Nan is introduced

Pat’s coworkers sit down at lunch together → They complain about Pat: “one rotten fish spoils the whole barrel” → Pat walks by, they stop talking → Prem invites Pat to sit down → Ying leans over and whispers “Don’t ask him to join us! Just ask him to be polite” → They start intentionally, and loudly quoting clients that complained about the chart’s professionalism, etc., making fun of Nan, “she’s like a female Mr. Jeng” (Question: Why do they do this?) → They ask Pat to join them again 

Nan checks on Pat → Nan identifies Pat’s obvious talent and enthusiasm → Nan spends a lot of time helping Pat

Jeng meets with Pat in his office → Jeng nitpicks many details of Pat’s presentation → Jeng stops Pat before he leaves to say “This might be a personal matter, but it seems like you have gotten close to Nan. People might get the wrong idea” \\ “She’s like a sister I can talk to” \\ “Still, keep your distance I don’t want people getting the wrong idea because she’s in a higher position of power than you” 

Nan comes over to Pat, puts her hands on his shoulders → Pat looks around and sees the entire office watching them

Pat goes to get food (setting: outside office) he runs in to Put

Pat gets a “flower delivery” that Ying hands him with a note that says “Happy One Month Anniversary” that Pat ordered himself so people would stop speculating about his relationships in the office (Setting: inside the workplace) → Nan: “Why don’t you tell people you’re gay? It’s easier,” (I don’t think we’ve established that he told Nan this information, but either he’s clockable or he felt comfortable enough to tell her that) \\ Pat: “I don’t want to come out yet”

Jeng and Pat attend an event where Put is speaking (Setting: outside office) → Pat gets in his head about it → Put freezes on stage briefly → Jeng looks over at Pat and sees him like that → Jeng and Put talk after the event while Pat excuses himself → Jeng learns that Put knows Pat (Read: JENG CLOCKS THAT SHIT IMMEDIATELY these men do not react with that level of awkwardness around each other without knowing each other deeper than “i knew him when he was a student intern”)

Pat goes to a bar with Ae and Beam (Setting: outside office) → Ae and Beam dunk on his coworkers → Jeng appears at the bar → Pat flees before Jeng can notice him but Jeng picks up on what’s happening 

Jeng appears inside the actual workspace for the first time, walking up to Pat’s cubicle to call him in to a meeting → Jeng sees Pat has flowers (we know they’re from Put but he wouldn’t necessarily) → Jeng tells Pat he took the liberty of correcting Pat’s slides → Pat gets feedback that his slides are too boring → Pat pulls a similar stunt he did with Ying where he presents his original slide without informing Jeng → Pat gets positive feedback

Pat runs off to go stress drink a bunch of water (Setting: inside workplace) → Prem starts harassing Pat about having a girlfriend → Pat comes out to Prem → Prem commits microaggressions, borderline harassment, and full on agression in rapid succession:  “Nan is your girl bestie?” \\ “Looking at your body and butt” (reaches out and pretends to squeeze Pat’s butt) “Are you a bottom?” → Pat prepares to throw hands in the middle of the work day

Pat gets called in to Jeng’s office (Setting: inside workplace, no witnesses) → Pat asks if they can speak later if Jeng wants to talk about the presentation → Jeng gives Pat feedback that he needs to present stuff to him first so he is able to answer questions about it → Jeng tells Pat he needs to get his emotions in check → Pat bursts out sobbing → Jeng looks surprised, then slightly miffed, then hands Pat tissues and asks him why he’s crying → Jeng: “If you cry at work like this, do you know how people will see you?” \\ Pat: “How?” \\ Jeng: “Like you’re not an adult, you’ll lose credibility” \\ Pat; “You’re afraid you won’t look very good” (Question: What, if any, additional interpretations of the bolded lines could there be?) → Jeng looks like Pat just struck a nerve

Pat gets an email for a performance review for Jeng → Pat gets drunk → Pat rants about Jeng at length in English (Remember: Part of Pat’s job is to act as a translator for his coworkers, which means the majority of the rest of the office does not speak or understand English with proficiency…everyone except for Jeng. Question: What, if any, immediate thoughts come to you about Jeng and Pat being the only people who speak the same foreign language in the workplace?) → Pat submits the review → Pat freaks out because the Q1 review is written in English and therefore identifiable → Pat is assured that Jeng will most likely not read it until morning so Pat has time to intervene → Jeng opens the email. 

Questions: What patterns are you seeing emerge in Episode 2 around where (and how) Jeng and Pat interact? Are you seeing any themes popping up in the workplace? Are you making any observations about how Pat’s coworkers interact with him? What do we notice about Jeng in the last clip of the episode that is different from what we’ve seen of Jeng before?

My Conclusions For Episode 2:

Jeng and Pat’s personal relationship grows in those moments of safety where the two queer people in the office (that we know of) are able to share space without straight people around to scrutinize. 

Explicit and subtle homophobia continues to exist in the workplace 

Supporting Evidence: What evidence do you think would support the conclusions above from the complete list of scenes involving Pat, Jeng, and/or Jian Group employees from episode 2? 

(This is already very long, sorry) 

Episode 3:

Pat approaches Jeng after a work meeting (Setting: inside workplace, after meeting so- no witnesses) → Jeng lies to Pat and says he hasn’t read the feedback form → Jeng has a fun little reaction when Pat asks to resend it, because Jeng is a freak who both deeply values valid criticisms of himself (Questions to keep in mind throughout the episode: What is ultimately Jeng’s reaction to the criticism he gets from the established employees? What is Jeng’s reaction to the criticism he gets from Pat? What if any differences exist between the established workers’ issues with Jeng and Pat’s issues with Jeng?)

Jeng is at his condo drinking wine (Setting: outside workplace) → We learned Jaab is Jeng’s brother → Jeng asks Jaab for advice, wanting to know the kind of person he is, asking anxiously about micromanagement, narcissism, and lack of empathy → Jaab is like “haha that person is correct” and Jeng is like “!!!!!!” about it → they change conversations to Jaab’s new crush on a guy → Jeng gives the worst advice “crushes will pass, spend more time with them so you will be able to identify the things you don’t like about that person and focus on those to get over the crush”...is this the strategy you are about to employ against Pat, Jeng? Cause uh…… → Jeng catches Jaab banging his head against his *ahem* closet door over a boy

In case their brotherhood was ever called in to question, I present you two absolute losers.

Pat goes to Pearl & Oliver with his friends (Setting: outside the workplace) → Pat learns Jeng is a partner in the restaurant → Jeng sees Pat with his friends and does not acknowledge Pat as if they know each other → Jeng is amused at Pat’s interactions with Ae → The trivia game asks the question: “What is a must have at this restaurant?” Pat looks right at Jeng and says milk ice cream with glass jelly → Jeng is smiling → Pat gets drunk, strips off his jacket, Jeng cannot stop looking at Pat from where he stands near their table → host asks “who was the chef that made the signature dishes?” → “Jeng was the chef” Pat says looking directly at Jeng, pointing back and forth between them, Pat wracks his brain trying to think of Jeng’s full name → Jeng once again smiles, takes the last shot, and answers the question → Pat collapses drunk and Jeng is the first one to kneel down to help him 

Pat wakes up in an unfamiliar bed in unfamiliar clothes (Setting: Outside the workplace) → Pat realizes he is at Jeng’s house, has some flashes to the previous night, and freaks out → we cut to Jeng embracing the #hygge lifestyle with that cozy as fuck sweater → Cut to the previous evening, Jeng helps Pat into a car with the intention of bringing Pat to his condo where he and Jaab would normally stay, but he gets a text from Jaab that Jaab is going back to the condo with Jen → Jeng gives them respectful space to #dogayshit and takes Pat to his home (where his parents live) instead → Pat starts drunk rambling about how he is not wrong and he will not resign → Cut back to the current moment and Pat is exploring the house and sees Jeng’s computer open to a webpage on micromanagement → Pat realizes that jeng did in fact get his original review, and is trying to learn more about the criticism he was given → Pat sees Jeng, Jeng invites Pat to eat breakfast with him in his cozy fucking sweater (Read: Pat, a queer man, is allowed to bear witness to the real Jeng, to show Pat who he is when he is not at the office, comfortable, warm, not suffocating under the suit and tie that he has to hide behind at the office to make him more respectable) → Jeng runs in to his parents, introduces Pat as his employee and says that he called him here for a meeting and Jeng’s Dad the CEO of the company Pat works for eyes Pat up and down, making a mental note that Pat is wearing Jeng’s clothing (Setting: outside workplace, in front of employer) → Jeng makes an excuse about Pat borrowing his clothes because he stained his other ones and his father walks away without a word. He knows. 

Pat and Jeng are in the car together on the way to drop Pat off at the Skytrain (Setting: outside workplace, with a witness [car driver]) → Pat texts his friends → Jeng starts talking about work → Pat fakes being asleep → Pat opens his eyes right as Jeng has made a fist in front of his face to catch a mosquito → Pat thinks Jeng is ready to punch him → Jeng makes sure Pat knows that he was just trying to catch a bug → Jeng asks Pat to hand him a wipe → Pat instead cleans Jeng’s hand for him with a wipe and Jeng is having a hard time taking his eyes off Pat as a result → Pat gets dropped off and Jeng rubs his hand, having his own take on the Pride and Prejudice 2005 hand flex (this is the one and only time I will reference P&P because this show is not a P&P adaptation)

Jeng stops by Pearl & Oliver, and overhears a conversation between employees “whenever [Jeng] is here, I always feel so messed up” \\ “How I wish I could only see a guy like that in the office” and Jeng just hides and listens, and there is of course some more valid criticism sprinkled in there (re: micromanaging) → Jeng’s friend and co-owner steps forward and cuts the conversation short when he notices his employees talking shit about Jeng (Read: Jeng’s office employees don’t want him in the office, and his restaurant employees don’t want him at the restaurant) → Jeng: “I thought I was going to take care of a sick guy, he didn’t need me, and I decided to come to work because if I am home alone I will be lost in my thoughts” → Jeng gets called out on being nervous the previous day and fucking up the kitchen 

Flash back to the previous day where Jeng sees Pat as he’s walking in to work → “As my partner, you make me feel at ease and that everything must be perfect, but if you were my boss I would say no” (Read: even his straight friend would have issues with Jeng if he was in charge of him rather than them being friends and having equal power. Some of this, again is valid criticism, but remember we are investigating scenes for potential homophobia)

Jeng returns to the condo (Setting: outside the workplace) → Jaab complains about a stomachache and blames the food → Jeng said Pat was fine (Read: Jeng is admitting in front of his queer brother that he has seen Pat this very day) → Jaab says “[Pat] must be really afraid of you” → Jeng tosses and turns at night and then thinks back to the drunken conversation Pat has with him in the car: “Mr. Jeng, you’re my hero! You’re handsome and smart. You’re so different from how people see you” (Read: Pat, a queer person, is drunk and therefore does not have the wherewithal to keep his thoughts to himself, so this is his most unrestrained and honest about his feelings for Jeng that he could possibly be) → Jeng: “I thought you’d hate me” \\ “No, I don’t. I’m just confused. The Mr. Jeng I spilled glass jelly on and the Mr. Jeng who is my boss, are so different” \\ Jeng nods \\ “I don’t know which one is the real you (Read: Pat has already contemplated the idea that Jeng is straight, Jeng as the manager of a corporate office that is rife with homophobia would seem to demonstrate that Jeng is straight. And if Pat and Jeng had met in the office for the first time, and not in the lobby, if Pat had known who Jeng was from the get go, this would have been a complete non-starter. But because Pat met Jeng when he wasn’t quite associated with the office, Pat's first exposure to Jeng was Queer!Jeng and he is confused now that he is exposed to the Corporate!Jeng)

Pat discusses the benefits of resigning versus getting fired (Setting: inside workplace) → Pat; “What if he read my assessment and is avoiding me at all costs?” \\ Nan: “Well, it’s possible he would be playing a mind game with you,” and then Nan continues to thread the anxiety needle further

Jeng in his office (Setting: inside workplace, no witnesses) practicing how he is going to talk to Pat → Jeng practices his speech, he practices his vocal tone, he practices his body language, he is struggling to figure out how to present because Pat does not fit into the standard mindset of Jeng’s other employees → Pat beats him to it, offers him his washed clothes and says “I know you are dissatisfied with my review” \\ “I’m not,” … “By talking about this I don’t mean to make you feel bad” … “I will give consequences to Prem,” “I will tell you to control your emotions,” “I intend to improve myself and I hope someday you can see the real me better” (Question: Was this the reaction Pat was expecting? Why is it different?) → Prem gets consequences for his blatant homophobia and Pat is like *twirls braids* about it → The episode ends with Pat thinking about what Jeng has just said to him, he smiles 

Questions: Where do we see Jeng and Pat’s relationship to one another improving? Forgetting that we are already aware this man has a crush on Pat, what, if any, hints/indicators are you seeing that Jeng is queer? Out of work? At work? Do we see any potential areas where homophobia may be playing a role? Whose opinions does Jeng value? Whose opinions does Pat value? 

Your Conclusions: What conclusions can you draw from this episode? What evidence do you have to support your conclusions? 

Episode 4:

Open on badminton, Ying already questioning Jeng “He’s overreacting closing the entire badminton court for his underlings…Don’t you think Mr. Jeng is kind of weird?” Ying asks, Pat responds “Is it because he’s not wearing his suit?” “It’s his clothes? NO! It’s not that. It’s how Mr. Jeng is acting”

Cut to flashback where Jeng apologizes for his behavior: “I’m sorry if I did or said anything that made people feel uncomfortable” 

WE ARE INTRODUCED TO CHOT! Who is a Senior Marketing Executive and Jeng’s personal assistant who are coming to help the team (Read: Jeng has just added at least a third queer person to the office [him, Pat, Chot] and placed Chot in a consulting position that puts that queer man in a position of power and influence over the team dynamics for the whole department) → Jeng suggests golfing → Pat suggests badminton and Jeng defers to the younger queer man that he totally doesn’t have a crush on 

Cut back to badminton → Ying “what would make somebody change?” → Chot exits the badminton game and comes over to the rest of the group → Ying tells Chot “You’re new so you probably don’t know, the real Mr. Jeng is not like this” → Chot face journey (Read: Chot thinking ‘what in the homophobia is this?’) 

→ Chot: “So what is he really like?” \\ Ying: “He’s strict! Intense! Precise! He’s very straightforward. He’s not considerate of anyone. He’s not the type to come in a good mood like this” … “maybe he’s buying prostitutes” \\ Chot: “But he’s never been known for being a ladies man,” (Read: Chot: “Ma’am that is a homosexual”) \\ Ying: “What? Are you interested in gossip too? Someone like you?”

(Body language analysis time! What emotion is Chot feeling right now? What signs might indicate he is feeling a certain way?) 

Chot: “Maybe Jeng’s dying, like in the movies” (Read: let me give as ridiculous of an accusation as you just did”) \\ Pat: “Maybe he feels bad towards us and wants to treat us better” \\ “It’s a trap. Don’t you know that, people who keep secrets to themselves like that?” (Read: double entendre here, Ying is talking about Jeng keeping secrets as to why he’s treating the employees better [even though he has already explicitly said he was trying to improve] and Jeng is not out in the office, he is keeping his queerness secret)

Teams badminton game (Setting: Outside workplace, but at work function), Jeng and Pat on the same team → Pat gets in his head and falls, Jeng asks if he is okay then tells Jeng to focus

Jeng reminds Pat that they have a work function to get to, the shower at the gym is broken, and Jeng suggests they both get ready at his condo because Pat won’t have time to go home and come back → They arrive at Jeng’s condo (Setting: outside workplace) → Pat gets ready and snoops around, thinks that Jeng has a girlfriend → Descends the stairs while Jeng vacuums (to show that he would make a great house husband) → Jeng looks starstruck seeing Pat.

Chot introduces himself to Pat and Pat is like “oh, I too- “ “am gay, yeah” \\ “Even though I am very femme you are the only one that knows…Prem is always trying to get me to hit up girls, Can’t he see that I’m a tootsie” (now, this is a term I was not familiar with before this show, but it is also used in 180 Degrees Longitude Passes Through Us and was translated as “faggot” so consider “tootsie” in general a slur) → Chot asks about the gala Pat says “It was like I got to see another side to Mr. Jeng” \\ Chot: *kermit the frog tea meme* → Jeng appears, Chot asks how long he’s been there, Jeng says since Chot started singing, and Chot is like  “you are the second person who knows” (ie Jeng heard him say he was gay, and therefore Chot is out at the office to two people. Which two people? The gays.) 

Jeng offers snack to Pat in his car (Setting: outside work) → Pat says the snack is delicious (this is a surprise tool that will help us later) → They discuss work-life balance → They bicker and Jeng says: “I think you should stand your ground, or people will see you as weak. I think you should speak up for yourself more than this. 

Pat is told by Jeng’s friend that Jeng is not on good terms with his father. (Read: CEO of company does not have a good relationship with his queer son)

Pat asks for gossip about Jeng from Ying → the weirdest thing she knows about Jeng is that he left the company two years ago (Read: Jeng keeps his shit locked down, he will not be clockable to any straight employee, and possibly to some queer ones too [Pat]) → Chot takes Pat to the bathroom to berate Pat for asking Ying for gossip, and then Bruce gives us a number of spectacular faces that indicate that Chot is like “jfc that guy is also gay” → CHOT ASKS PAT IF HE HAS A CRUSH ON JENG (Setting: In the workplace, but somewhere with no witnesses, just two queer people talking about crushes) → Pat and Chot hide in the bathroom stall when Jeng enters the restroom (now all three queer people are in the same space) just in time for Pat to sneeze and jeng to recognize it’s him → Jeng asks Pat to work on some stuff at his condo on Sunday

Pat goes to the condo (setting: outside workplace) → Pat and Jeng work on presentations → Pat gets excited when Jeng approves of the slides → Jeng asks Pat to stay for a meal → Jeng’s niece arrives → Jeng weaponizes the cute factor of his niece to get Pat to stay for a meal → Pat arrives home and gets a follow request from Jeng (Question: What, if anything, does this demonstrate about where and how Pat and Jeng’s relationship progresses)

Pat sends a message about Jeng leaving with a woman’s handbag that is not his nieces accidentally to the group chat → Jeng responds to the message → Jeng has Pat come talk to him one on one in the office in the evening (Setting: inside the workplace, no witnesses) → Jeng and Pat are honest with each other, Jeng tells Pat “I am so tired of having to wear a mask for the sake of society”  

Meeting room with: Jeng, Pat, and Chot- all three of them can speak English. 

Jeng fucks up his knees and embarasses himself at karaoke (Setting; outside office at work function) → Pat is once again not participating, and does not see Jeng embarass himself → Jeng finds Pat, Pat asks why he was chosen to lead the Forge project “I’m the teams weakness” \\ “You have to trust yourself like I trust you” 

Forge project gets approved → Pat is PUMPED → Pat texts Jeng (after hours) thanking him → Jeng, in his pjs and relaxed, reading in the evening gets the text message and  BEAMS 

The office staff watch the video of Chot singing karaoke and one of them comments “my gaydar is so broken” (baby, there are at least two other gay boys in the room with you right now, we know it’s broken) → Jeng teases Pat about thinking he has a girlfriend → Jeng confirms he does not, in fact, have a girlfriend → Pat smiles  

Pat is with Jaab, smells the lotion he smelled at Jeng’s condo, sees Jeng and Jaab interact → Jeng leaves saying “thanks bro” and references their mother, because he is trying to make sure that Pat knows that Jeng and Jaab are related, not dating. (Setting: in office but not in typical work station, alone except for the three queer people)

Questions: What pattern, if any, are you seeing in where and how Pat and Jeng’s relationship to one another changes in this episode? Who is in the room when there are discussions about crushes? Who are the people spreading rumors and who are the ones questioning them?

Your Conclusions: What conclusions do you draw from the scenes in this episode? What evidence do you have to support it? 

Episode 5

Work meeting to discuss casting in the commercial → Put is proposed as an option → Pat is not reacting well to it → Jeng notices 

Pat begs Jen to go easy on him for his first day on the Forge project → Jen: “We’re here to help you” \\ Pat: “Can we change the plan?’ \\ Jen: “Sure” 

Jeng has meeting with his father → “the weather is easier to order around than you” → Jeng’s dad talks about the image of the company being an old man: “People think I’ve monopolized the whole country” \\ “Isn’t that true?” 

Jeng is nervous about Pat and calls Chot for advice (interrupts a kiss between Chot and Krit which, #homophobicworkcalls) → Chot is like “dude calm down you said you trusted him you have to trust him” → Jeng hangs up the phone and Chot BECOMES A FIANCE 

Pat, Jaab, and Jen propose a filming location → they are met with pushback → they finesse a client in to doing what they want

Hotel AC is broken → Jeng suggests Pat stay in his suite for the evening so they don’t have to try to locate another hotel last minute  → Pat looks at Jen for approval and then agrees 

In the hotel room Pat recently showered, Jeng hard at work (Setting: a limbo between work and not work, they are at the hotel because they are scouting locations, they are doing work inside the hotel room, but they aren’t in the office, and they are about to head to bed) → Pat suggests he sleep on the couch and Jeng could take the bed → Jeng says they can share the bed because the couch is going to be uncomfortable → Pat agrees to share the bed → Pat and Jeng remain a respectful and professional distance from one another in the bed → Pat looks over his shoulder at Jeng’s back → Pat tries to apologize to Jeng for bothering him, Jeng does not allow it and shuts that shit down by telling him to go to sleep → Pat dreams of Put

Pat wakes up to an empty bed, Jeng is up, Jeng has prepared breakfast, and Jeng is dressed far far more queer than we’ve ever seen him. White tank up, open beige hawaiian shirt, chain around his goddamn neck. → Pat fixes his hair, smoothes his shirt, and checks his breath before joining Jeng for breakfast → Jeng starts a convo with work and then transitions to that ambiguous area of conversation where he suggests Pat drive with him to a get together, and asks Pat to find a seafood restaurant.

Pat gets roped in to shooting sample photos with Put —> Jeng gets the pictures → Jeng gets a little mopey about seeing them together

Jeng texts Pat right around the time everyone files out the door, and suggests everyone go to the aquarium (or something, I don’t feel like pulling up Gaga for translated writing subs) the point is Pat sends the following emoji: 

(Setting: Outside the office, (but not completely out of work)

Aquarium conversation between Put and Jeng occurs where there is a polite, yet passive aggressive dick measuring contest → Pat interrupts with coffee → Jeng very obviously checks Pat out in front of Put → Put drags Pat off (Setting: Outside the office, outside the workplace, with only queer coworkers)

At dinner Jeng sees Pat eyeing a particular dish offers to give some to him → Jaab is like “aren’t you also going to give some to your brother?” → Jeng says yes, and then to not play favorites offers to give everyone at the table some, including Put. 

After dinner Put,  Jeng, and Pat walk out together → Put offers Pat a ride home → Jeng says he will drive Pat home → Put leaves, getting the message from Jeng and leaves (Question for you: what message is he getting from Jeng?) → Pat and Jeng are now alone (Setting: outside the usual office, outside the hotel, after their work trip has technically ended) a Pat; “You’re acting weird today Mr. Jeng,” \\ “I’m just saying goodbye, it’s nothing” → Jeng: “Where do you want to go before we head back? The weather is nice today?” → They head to the bridge → Jeng tells Pat to treat him to some boba as he promised (in episode 1 after spilling glass jelly on his shoe, before he knew that Jeng was his manager) (What does this mean? Jeng is trying to set a tone for him and Pat hanging out together that calls back to the easy, flirty, chemistry they had with one another when they first met. Jeng is intentionally trying to distance himself as much as possible from the Corporate!Jeng image in Pat’s mind and place himself squarely, obviously, overtly back in the Queer!Jeng image that he thinks Pat first saw him in. Hence, why he ditched the suit and tie this episode, why he brings up the owed drink, etc)

On the bridge (Setting: outside the workplace, outside the hotel, in the middle of a bridge [aka in a space between two sides]) Pat apologizes to Jeng for having Pat take pictures for the Forge project → They talk work, Jeng praises Pat “You did well. You were really good. You did really good.” → Prolonged eye contact → Fireworks → “It’s so pretty” \\ “Very beautiful” → Look at each other immediately after saying that → SUBTITLES LIE AND SAY THAT PAT SAID MR. JENG WHEN IN FACT HE SAYS “JENG look at that one!” → They look at each other way too many times → Cheers their drinks, and end the episode staring out at the fireworks together. 

Your Questions: What questions are coming up in your mind throughout this episode? What questions would you want to try to answer going forward? 

Your Conclusions: What conclusions are you drawing from this episode? What evidence do you have to support it? 

Episode 6

Pat is home from the work trip, watches the fireworks on his instagram story → Pat gets a message from Kong (aka Mr. MLM and not the gay kind) 

Jeng makes shrimp nuggets for the office → Jeng is way too attentive to Pat when he eats the shrimp nuggets (again, Jeng wants to be a house husband → Jeng is on the phone with his father and pauses when Pat eats and then does not like, the shrimp nuggets (Setting: inside office, Jeng is completely separated from the rest of the office and looking at Pat in a crowd) → Jeng’s personal assistant comes over and asks for the recipe and jeng isn’t paying attention because he is still looking at Pat

Jeng makes three versions of the shrimp nugget (Setting: outside workplace at his condo) → force-feeds his brother 

Pat and Chot spend the entire work day together in Chot’s cubicle (remember at the party, Pat only interacts with Chot and Nan) → Pat’s “date” gets canceled

Late at night, no one in the office, Pat goes to leave work and Jeng runs in to him at the elevator looking sad → Jeng learns Pat just had a date canceled → Jeng invites Pat to eat instead (Setting: inside workplace, after hours when no other witnesses are there) → They eat dinner together, Jeng asks about the shrimp donut over dinner

On set Put pulls some shit with Pat (Setting: outside office, though still in workplace. All employees on set that Pat interacts with are queer + Kanoon who is an old friend) → Pat gets mad and tells Put ‘this is my job, what will other people think of me if you do this?” 

Pat goes on “date” with Kong → Kong tries to rope him in to an MLM scheme → Pat says “haha fuck no” → Put calls Pat and Pat uses put’s call as an excuse to get out of the area → Put asks Pat on a date

Chot and Pat run an ad by Jeng → He’s okay with it if they are both okay with it (Question: who is Jeng putting his trust in now?) → Jeng suggests Pat go with him to buy furniture since Jeng needs new stuff for his restaurant and Pat needs a new desk chair

Kong comes to Pat’s work → Kong starts peddling products and asks Pat about Ying (Ying has been a pain in Pat’s ass from the beginning so this is an opportunity for a little revenge) → Pat is nice and does not send Kong after her → Chot gets Pat out of there → Jeng appears to watch the scene unfold (Read: straight and homophobic employee makes Pat sacrifice himself to the MLM scheme, queer employee saves him) 

Pat and Jeng go to Ikea (setting:  outside workplace) → Jeng and Pat have a lot of fun, they play together, Pat fake cooks and Jeng pretends like the food is hot → The chair scene happens

Pat and Jeng go to Pat’s apartment (Setting: outside workplace, in Pat’s domain) → Jeng and Pat cook for real together → Chef hat scene happens (with even more intense eye contact) → Eat together at the dining room table → Jeng starts getting to know Pat better, and is engaged in conversation the whole time 

Pat sinks his chair down and laughs, remembering the Ikea trip (Setting: outside workplace at home) → Put calls and asks Pat on a date while Pat is looking at the stuffed tiger he got with Jeng → Put and Pat go on their date → Put asks Pat to get back together telling Pat that he was just coming to terms with his sexuality when he left and getting in to showbusiness and that wasn’t a place he could really be out. → Put asks again if Pat would consider getting back together 

Your Questions: What questions are coming up in your mind throughout this episode? What questions would you want to try to answer going forward? 

Your Conclusions: What conclusions are you drawing from this episode? What evidence do you have to support it? 

Episode 7

Jaab calls Jeng and is like “dude did you take Pat out on a nice dinner? I saw your wallet?” (Read: Jaab knows that Jeng likes Pat) → Jeng learns Pat may be seeing someone 

Pat and Put flirt with each other on set (Setting: outside typical corporate office, technically at work, with all the queer people in the office) → Jeng clocks the relationship almost immediately and gets salty about it 

Pat cooks for Put → Put ignores Pat the entire dinner (Direct parallel to Jeng and the attention that he gave to Pat when they ate together in Episode 6) 

Film Set (Setting: Outside traditional workspace, still at work (film set, with all the queer employees on the team)) → Pat gets yelled at by Cris’ mother → Chot defends Pat, Put does nothing → Pat walks away and starts crying → Jeng appears when Pat is crying and talks to him → Jeng wants to give physical comfort and stops himself → Pat collapses sobbing in to Jeng’s chest → Jeng gives in and comforts him → Put sees this happen and apologizes to Pat for not doing anything to help (because he can’t be seen having that connection to Pat) → Put gives physical comfort to Pat and then returns to set. (Question: Is this a progression on Pat and Jeng’s relationship? Pat seeks out comfort from Jeng. If so, what about this setting is similar to the other times we have seen their relationship progress?) 

Cris’ mother is shocked to learn that Jeng and Jaab are blood brothers working in such different fields, Jaab responds “I’m too lazy to wear a suit and tie and be in the office all day” (Question: What does this say about Jaab, his queerness, and his relationship to the homophobia we’ve seen in the corporate office?) 

Jeng and Put have a private conversation → Jeng tells Put to separate work and personal matters → Put: “Seeing the person you love being taken advantage of, I don’t know how to feel about that. You understand what I mean, right?” (Read: Put is 200% aware that Jeng has feelings for Pat and is calling Jeng on them)

Put and Pat go back to their hotel room in the evening (Setting: outside work) → They make out → Pat asks Put “Do you like me?”, Put asks Pat “do you like me?” → Pat realizes part-way through them making out that he is not really interested in Put → Pat leaves to go to the after-party and leaves Put alone

Pat appears at the party (Setting: outside work, at work function) → Jeng immediately sits forward → Pat joins the table of employees (Jeng is sitting off in a corner) → Pat joins him → Jeng gets drunk → Pat gets drunker → Jeng is unable to hold-back his giggles, his smiles, his heart eyes, his touches linger a little too long when he grabs Pat’s wrist to stop him drinking → Pat gets drunk enough to need help walking back to the hotel room → Jeng helps get Pat where he needs to go → Pat starts being handsy and clingy with Jeng (SHIRT PULLING SCENE MY BELOVED) → Jeng helps walk Pat to the room he and Chot are sharing. 

Chot watches Jeng take Pat’s shoes off and hesitate to leave → “Men are just swarming at you” (Read: Chot knows Jeng has a crush on Pat) → Put appears and Chot asks “are you here to see Pat?” →  Chot asks if anyone saw Put coming over to Pat and Chot’s hotel room (Read: what read are you taking from this? → Put says “Has Pat told you?” \\ Chot: “Oh, he didn’t tell me. I noticed it from the day of the fitting \\ Put: “It’s that obvious, isn’t it?” (Read: “Am I being that noticeably queer?”) \\ Chot: “Actually, it takes a little bit of observation and experience to see” (Question: How do you interpret this line?) → Put takes care of Pat and hears Pat asking about glass jelly 

They are leaving the hotel to return back to Bangkok (Setting: outside work, after work events are over) → Put checks in on Pat → Put leaves → Pat walks away and Jeng comes to say good morning to Pat → Jeng shows Pat the video he took of Pat (with Pat’s permission) of him being drunk the other night → Jeng offers to delete it, Pat says it’s fine → Jeng calls drunk!Pat cute 

Pat returns home (Setting: outside work) → Pat thinks about the dinner with Put and the fact Put doesn’t respond to the question “Do you like me?” → Pat calls Put. 

Your Questions: What questions are coming up in your mind throughout this episode? What questions would you want to try to answer going forward? 

Your Conclusions: What conclusions are you drawing from this episode? What evidence do you have to support it?

Episode 8

Here are 4 scenes that I feel are important to either a) the theme of homophobia in the workplace or b) the theme of where and how Jeng and Pat’s relationship progresses. 

Pat breaks up with Put (Time-stamp 8 (¼): 0:46 on YouTube)

Question: Where is this scene happening? How is that related to one or both of the themes listed above? 

Question: What details, if any, do you notice about what happens in this scene that may help provide support/evidence to? 

Question: What else do you notice? How is that related to one or both of the themes listed above? 

Put and Jeng speak with each other about Put’s break up with Pat. (Time-stamp 8(¼): 11:48)

Question: Where is this scene happening? How is that related to one or both of the themes listed above? 

Question: What details, if any, do you notice about what happens in this scene that may help provide support/evidence to? 

Question: What else do you notice? How is that related to one or both of the themes listed above? 

Pat and Jeng eat at the first restaurant (Time-Stamp 8(2/4): 7:39)

Question: Where is this scene happening? How is that related to one or both of the themes listed above? 

Question: What details, if any, do you notice about what happens in this scene that may help provide support/evidence to? 

Question: What else do you notice? How is that related to one or both of the themes listed above? 

Jeng takes Pat to the speakeasy (Time-Stamp 8(4/4): 2:26) 

Question: Where is this scene happening? How is that related to one or both of the themes listed above? 

Question: What details, if any, do you notice about what happens in this scene that may help provide support/evidence to? 

Question: What else do you notice? How is that related to one or both of the themes listed above? 

Other scenes of interest: Are there any other scenes you can find from this episode that would give support to or context for the topic of homophobia in the workplace or where and how Jeng and Pat’s relationship progresses? 

Your Questions: What questions are coming up in your mind throughout this episode? What questions would you want to try to answer going forward? 

Your Conclusions: What conclusions are you drawing from this episode? What evidence do you have to support it? 

Episode 9: 

Scenes of Interest: 

https://youtu.be/qkLwvHaJanU?t=444 (Time-Stamp: 7:24-9:54)

Hint: this is not a gratuitous appreciation for Man’s body. There are actually some really important themes we can pick up on from scenes like this one. I know @shortpplfedup had some great observations about scenes like this one and how they relate to Jeng’s character

https://youtu.be/ffWytF3rUvg?t=19 (Time-Stamp: 0:19-2:23)

https://youtu.be/ffWytF3rUvg?t=373 (Time-Stamp: 6:13-7:20)

https://youtu.be/ffWytF3rUvg?t=475 (Time-Stamp: 7:55 - 11:04)

https://youtu.be/ffWytF3rUvg?t=741 (Time-Stamp: 12:21-14:40)

https://youtu.be/fB8DDGMoDsM?t=51 (Time-Stamp: 0:51 - 5:12)

https://youtu.be/fB8DDGMoDsM?t=336 (Time-Stamp: 5:36-7:08)

https://youtu.be/fB8DDGMoDsM?t=437 (Time-Stamp: 7:08-15:18)

https://youtu.be/lf14HaNlM64?t=894 (Time-Stamp: 14:54 - 18:40)

I would love to hear your thoughts on why I might find these scenes important as they relate to Jeng and Pat’s relationship progression and/or homophobia in the workplace!

Episode 10

Try Episode 10 for yourself! What scenes stand out to you in terms of portraying homophobia in the workplace? What settings and contexts do you see contributing to the progressions of Pat and Jeng’s relationship in this episode? What settings and contexts do you see the regressions of Pat and Jeng’s relationship in this episode? What, if anything, is causing the disconnect between Pat and Jeng as the episode plays out? 

Let me know!

Other Questions: Do these themes, do these patterns continue for other queer characters in the show?

As an aside: I don’t know what the stipulations of your presentation are, but if you want to talk about workplace culture in Thailand, especially around queerness, I would be careful not to use Step By Step as like, definitive proof of how Thai workplaces function (just like I wouldn’t use A Boss and a Babe as a way to demonstrate how Thai workplaces function). However, it would certainly be interesting to use something like SBS as a way to compare, and be like “here are elements of actual Thai workplace culture from research that I see playing out in SBS.” I am sure you know what you are doing, I’m not trying to do your work for you either, but I feel a general responsibility to say that, not being Thai myself I can only read this show from a Queer Western lens and I don’t want to somehow be perpetuating stereotypes or harm of actual Thai culture based on my read of this show! 

Good luck on your presentation!

#step by step #step by step analysis #dee hup house #tee bundit #ben bunyapol #man trisanu #manben #patjeng #jengpat #pat x jeng #jeng x pat #step by step meta #step by step the series #long post

[kittensartswriting]

Writing update

I haven't done these in a while! Mostly because I haven't written much past couple of years. Well I have written, but mostly disconnected scenes, not actually any of the wips. I haven't had much time and I got a pretty bad burnout from uni which I'm still recovering from. I need to like properly get into the story and in my case that means getting a brain rot and obsessing over the story non-stop to be able to write it. But when I have important uni work to do, I can't get too obsessed or I will neglect them. That's why I've been writing disconnected scenes. Then I'm obsessing over one scene and the obsession will pass after I've gotten it off my system and written it. That doesn't derail my obligations too bad.

After I was able to recover a bit during the summer break, I got back into writing Bear Castle Chronicles. I'm more capable of handling more things, but I have one fear of the brain rot getting out of hand and overtaking too much of my time and energy :'D

I've said before that after I took a break from BCC, I decided to change a lot of things and restart it for the millionth time. A major shift is that it now has a narrator, the Bear. It's the titular bear of the Bear Castle, the guardian spirit of the main sibling's clan. It can see the minds of the clan members and through that it tells the chronicles (addressing itself in third person) and also literally in-world curates the in-world text that is the Bear Castle Chronicles by possessing the Chronicler (but that comes into play mostly in the later books). I'm now writing it in English too. I'm not far in this version, I've written (almost) the prologue and I'm two chapters into Valeri's storyline, which is a total of slightly over 10K words.

Not sure if I'll attempt nano this year. I would not aim to win and not follow the rules like usually. But if I will I would probably continue writing BCC. I'll see if I'm doing okay with uni work when it comes around.

Here's a little excerpt from Valeri's first chapter!

Pain shot through his body. He gasped for air until he was kicked in the stomach again. Blood dripped from his mouth to the sand. His head was spinning. Everything around him faded, except his opponent. In his mind there was only image of his brother. He had to gather his strength. He had to get up. When the other leg left the ground, grimacing he leaned on his hands and kicked the leg still on the ground. The lieutenant lost his balance falling backwards. Valeri acted quickly. He kicked sand to the lieutenant’s face and used the confusion to get on top of him and hit him in the face with all the strength he had left. The lieutenant tried to wrestle him. Valeri hit him again. And again. And again until his face was cover in blood. Only the revolting sound of fist against flesh rang in his ears. Finally, when the lieutenant raised his hands in surrender, Valeri snapped back to reality. Panting and spitting blood, Valeri stumbled to the sand from the top of the man. There was a roaring applause from the Virénian side of the audience. He felt sick. Not only because of the pain in his stomach. For a moment he had felt like he was fighting for his life. He had almost killed that man. He was shaking, when he slowly got up to his feet. He offered his hand to the Angusian lieutenant, who had managed to sit up. For a moment the lieutenant hesitated. Then he took his arm and Valeri pulled him up as his comrades rushed to assist him. He knew. He had felt that Valeri had fought to kill. People gathered around Valeri. He didn’t see them, didn’t hear them. The touches of the faceless hands made him flinch. He wanted out, away. The Bear felt his mind fade. It watched as he stood motionless, face bloodied and stern, while the people around him joked and congratulated. No one noticed his distress. He moved passed them to his clothing and hung them on, unaware of himself. The Bear could only observe. Something human stirred in it. This child shouldn’t have been here. Someday he would find his way back home.

Tag list under the cut. Let me know if you want to be removed or added!!

BCC tag list: @siarven @worldbuildng @emilyoracle @frvnwrites @kainablue @writingrosesonneptune @contes-de-rheio @faelanvance @outpost51 @dotr-rose-love

#this is continuation of the find the word excerpt i just posted :D #writing #writeblr #fantasy #my writing #writing update #excerpt #am writing #bcc #bcc update #bcc excerpt

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hello lovely, this is re: sex witch stuff. do you have any advice for figuring out whether what's up with you is an a-spec thing or a depression thing?

context being: I've suspected I'm somewhere on the asexuality spectrum because I don't usually get *attracted* attracted to people unless I've gotten to know them somewhat. but at the same time, I've been depressed since I was a young teen and in the past few years, my libido has definitely gone down and I usually only get horny around my period. part of it is probably the meds and the fact that I'm Exhausted all the time (being in uni and having to be an adult doesn't help lol). I'm 23 and still a virgin, but I do get the sense that I would enjoy casual sex or an FWB situation. the other thing is - I do enjoy my own company, and I know I'm probably not in the best place to be in a relationship, but at the same time I'm a little lonely and would love to be in that long-term relationship stage of things yk? but I have no great desire to be actively dating (lack of energy also factors into this), and hookups are not a big thing in my culture so sex kind of goes with dating. which is why I still can't figure out whether this is more of an a-spec thing or depression + mild social anxiety thing :/

I'm the last anon about aspec vs depression thing. forgot if I mentioned it or not but I'm 23F, bi (I think. I tend to use queer. never actually been on a date with a girl before) and cis so there isn't any major gender or sexuality issues complicating things. I do have some body insecurities which may play into it (was naturally quite slim and then I lost more weight in the past 2 years due to meds which means my boobs are even smaller than before) but overall i think I'm fairly body neutral at this point 🤷‍♀️

hi anon,

I'm going to say something that I worry has the chance to come across as condescending and I want you to know that that's not my intent at all. I'm not trying to downplay your curiosity or exploration of self, or the mental health experiences that you've had. you're the predominant expert on yourself, and you can feel free to disregard all of this.

having said that:

what you're describing doesn't sound like it's solely a depression thing or necessarily an asexual thing at all. it sounds like being a busy 23 year old with a lot on their plate and having more pressing things to focus on than sex, even though sex sounds kind of nice. that's very normal for lots of people whether they're asexual or not, and it's actually great to hear that you're aware that you're not in the best place for a relationship and that you're already comfortable in your own company. it may not be the most fun thing, but being self-aware and able to be happy on your own are both important skills to cultivate.

you definitely could be asexual! I'm not denying that! but just chilling sex-free while you're busy and stressed and tired with uni and other things isn't hard proof, especially when it sounds like sex is something you think would be fun and desired for you if it were a better fit for your life right now.

some further reading that may be helpful:

The Sex Myth (Rachel Hills) - one of the very first sex books I read back in my baby sex witch days; a helpful reveal that most people are, on average, not having as much sex as they claim or want to be having

Come As You Are (Emily Nagoski) - neat insights from Dr. Nagoski about the ways that stress and other factors fuck with cis womens' sex drive and sexuality (and how to approach that with grace and self-compassion)

Ace (Angela Chen) - a phenomenal look at the experience of asexuality by an asexual writer, which may be helpful in determining if asexuality feels like the right label for your experiences

#sex edventures 2023

[asordinaryppl]

A3! Main Story: Part 4 - Act 13: Budding Spring - Episode 3: One Step Up

Kumon: We’re back~!

Juza: We’re back.

Taichi: I’m so hungry~

Tenma: Seems like it’s Omi-san’s turn today.

Tsuzuru: Kinda smells like demi-glace sauce…

Omi: The beef stew will be done soon.

Kumon: Yay~! I wanted to eat meat~!

Kazunari: Seems like the fairy boys have suddenly increased in energy~

Muku: Even though it’s actually just Kyuu-chan that joined them.

Yuki: He counts enough for two or three more people.

Tsumugi: How’s uni life, Kumon-kun?

Kumon: Super fun! Unlike the classes in high school, I feel like I can study by myself.

Kumon: Also, I’m with Nii-chan!

Banri: I thought you’d decide immediately based on that, but you took your time pickin’.

Kumon: I had a lot to think about, y’know.

Kumon: I had to carefully think about which university to attend, not only based on where Nii-chan is.

Azami: The growth of the Bro-con.

Yuki: Though in the end, they ended up in the same university.

Kumon: I mean, Nii-chan and Tenma-san make it seem like it’s lots of fun!

Tenma: I can guarantee that much.

Juza: I’m glad you got accepted.

Taichi: He worked hard on the essay and when preparing for the interview~

Kumon: Hehe, it’s thanks to everything Nii-chan and Tenma-san and Taichi-san taught me!

Chikage: Seeing Tenma take on the tutor’s role was deeply moving.

Tenma: Thanks for that.

Kazunari: *Yawn*~...

Tsuzuru: You seem sleepy, Miyoshi-san.

Kazunari: I had some urgent job due yesterday, so I didn’t get much sleep~

Tsuzuru: Good work.

Muku: Kazu-kun seems like he became an adult in a blink.

Kazunari: What I’m doing is pretty much an extension of what I did as a student, but I guess my mindset’s changed a little since graduating.

Omi: I get it. The work increases as the responsibilities do, but it’s also quite fun.

Tsuzuru: Is that so…

Kazunari: You might understand come next year, Tsuzurun~

Izumi: Omi-kun was like that, too, but your image changed after you graduated.

Azuma: I look forward to these changes every spring.

Homare: Well, there are groups of people that have not changed much at all.

Azuma: Thanks to everyone, I can properly feel spring’s arrival.

Tasuku: I mean, the changes might not be big, but haven’t you guys also gotten busier?

Guy: You also seem to be getting more requests to appear as a guest.

Sakuya: Ah, actually, I think I might also get an offer to appear on a rather big stage—

Tsumugi: Really? I’m so happy for you.

Tasuku: This is the result of the experience you’ve gained so far. It’s proof of how far you’ve come as an actor

Sakuya: Thank you very much!

Citron: I have also had to do arts and culture-related jobs here and there~

Itaru: I’ve also started being treated like I can carry the company on my shoulders, it’s a pain…

Chikage: It’s your fifth year, of course you are.

Guy: That reminds me, the work I can leave to Mikage has also increased.

Hisoka: I can make some snacks now…

Tasuku: Like roasted marshmallows and marshmallow pizza?

Hisoka: Those too, but other stuff too.

Homare: To think you can make dishes unrelated to marshmallows… What remarkable progress!

Misumi: Speaking of new things, my friend Mii-chan gave birth to a kitten~

Muku: Congratulations to her!

Yuki: Doesn’t that have nothing to do with you, though?

Izumi: Just as everyone is moving forward and changing, the theater company is also changing.

Izumi: Speaking of which, the kid we met today also said he started high school this spring.

Kumon: Heeh~, what kinda kid was he?

Tsuzuru: He was a pretty interesting kid.

Masumi: Rather than interesting, he was just a pain.

Itaru: He was a passionate Masumi fan.

Izumi: He used to live in the countryside, and supported us through streaming.

Sakyo: So that’s MIZUNO Ent’s power…

Sakyo: As we expected, we’ll require continued efforts to reach as many people as possible.

Izumi: He also said he can’t wait to see a live performance.

Tasuku: Watching plays live has its benefits, after all.

Sakuya: That’s true. Since he said he’s looking forward to it, I thought we’ll have to do our best not to disappoint.

Izumi: Ah, that’s right! I had this idea after talking to the kid–

Izumi: What do you think about holding a workshop for beginners as our next event?

Izumi: Learning that there are people who became interested in theater because of MANKAI Company made me realize, we should do more activities that are about spreading theater to others.

Izumi: I think sharing the joy of acting together will be a beneficial experience for us as well. 

Sakuya: That does sound good!

Citron: That sounds fun!

Chikage: But if it’s about teaching, rather than the Spring Troupe, wouldn’t members with more experience, like Tenma, or Tasuku and Tsumugi, be more suited for it?

Tsuzuru: True, we’re all novice actors, and a few years ago we were amateurs, will it really be okay for us to do it?

Masumi: I can do it.

Itaru: Not the guy least qualified to teach.

Izumi: That’s exactly why. You all remember what it felt like when you first stood on the stage a few years ago.

Izumi: You’re the most suited to convey theater from a beginner’s point of view.

Izumi: It won’t be a workshop for actors, or a workshop like Yuzo-san’s focused solely on teaching…

Izumi: I think just enjoying acting together and looking back on your old selves would be good.

Izumi: It can also be an opportunity to expand our fanbase…

Izumi: I think trying to get people to learn more about theater is something all of you can do at your current state.

Sakuya: I see… You’re right. Up till now, we’ve only focused on improving ourselves, but now…

Itaru: That’s true. We can probably have fun together.

Chikage: And it can also be a source of inspiration.

Tsuzuru: We might get a hint for our next performance.

Citron: Everything’s a challenge!

Izumi: Alright, it’s decided!

Izumi: Once we settle on a date, can I leave the design to you, Kazunari-kun?

Kazunari: Ofc!

Izumi: I’ll do the printing and distribution.

Masumi: I’ll help.

Itaru: We also need to announce it on social media. I can do that.

Chikage: Wouldn’t it also be good to announce it on the theater bulletin board?

Izumi: Then, I’ll leave the announcements to you two… Sakuya-kun, Citron-kun, can I ask you two to come up with the outline for the workshop?

Sakuya: Yes!

Citron: Let’s think of a chilling workshop for everyone~!

Manager: Ah, everyone, it’s almost time~!

Kumon: I’ll turn on the TV!

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#a3! #translation #a3! translation #sakuya sakuma #tsuzuru minagi #tenma sumeragi #kazunari miyoshi #kumon hyodo #izumi tachibana #+ more #i think i'll do it like this? so it doesn't clog up tags of characters with small speaking roles