#but i dont care about those as much and ill read them eventually

[angel-eyes05]

to leave the warmest bed i've ever known

pairing: spiderwoman!reader x miguel o’hara 

summary: after miguel’s fight with miles, you confront him in his office

warnings: this whole thing is basically one big argument there’s SO much angst, implied suicide attempt, HUGE ATSV SPOILERS DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MOVIE, im projecting a little in some parts of this ngl (i cried writing a certain section of this, you'll know it when you read it lmao), mentions and descriptions of blood, gore, and death

word count:  4.1k

notes: i watched the movie yesterday…and miguel is on my mind. but i remember reading this namor x reader fanfic after i watched wakanda forever of a similar idea to this and i loved it so this is HEAVILY inspired by that fic, but just make it miguel. i would link it but ngl that was so long ago and i dont remember the author. if i end up finding it again ill put it here. also, just pretend miguel has been doing this whole spider society thing for a couple of years at least, it just needs to work like that for this ik its probably not canon but just roll with it lmao. and yes the title is a taylor swift lyric im so glad you noticed (im so sorry she's in my brain rn with the eras tour)

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The anger boiled up inside your chest as you stormed your way across the lobby. Hundreds of different Spider-Man variants were scattered across the area, some more injured than the others. It sickened you sometimes. How he had so many people under his grasp and just decided to throw some of them at the walls sometimes, not caring how hard they hit the floor because they were all just ammo to him. How despite his denials of it, that’s probably what your role was to him as well. Nothing more than a bullet in his massive machine gun.

You normally tried not to think about it, how his determination towards his goal sometimes meant lack of care for others. But this time he had just gone too far. You always had a soft spot for Miles, watching closely on him whenever Miguel would let you go though scanners of all the different variants. You admired his struggle, but eventual success to taking up the previous Peter’s mantle, and always hated how Miguel talked about him. You knew there was no way Miles could’ve asked for any of this. For the pressures and struggles of being a Spider-Man, for everything causing such a strained relationship with his parents, for the death of his uncle, and for what will be the eventual death of his father. You definitely didn’t.

Ok lets do this one last time. Eh, whatever, there’s probably gonna be 50 other introductions after this one so it doesn’t really matter.

Being Earth-837’s Spider-Man has never been easy. Especially since you were bit when you were only 13 (another reason you sympathized with Miles and Gwen). Your life had followed the order of canon events to a perfect T, your older brother killed in a fight with a robber only two months after you were bit. You tried to overcome the burden of your powers by trying to live as normal of a teenage life as possible, but it was mostly in vain, having to give up multiple friendships and relationships in fear of those you love getting hurt. This was only elevated when your boyfriend Peter was murdered in the crossfire of an encounter with Doc Ock. You didn’t understand. You couldn’t. What you had done to deserve all of this. All you did was just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You wonder sometimes what would happen if someone was in the same place you were when you got bit. If someone else went to the closed down area of that museum and ran into that spider. That stupid spider that ruined your life. Those thoughts slowly started to disappear for a bit. For a few years things were easy. Things seemed like they were finally going in your favor.

You were 25 when it happened. The last canon event. Ever since you were a little girl you hated your mother’s job. Losing nights of sleep over if she would come home or not. She always did though. She was good at her job. Too good though. Good enough to get promoted to police captain, which for who you were, was basically sealing her fate. She saved so many people that day. You were too busy fighting Venom to notice how much collateral damage you were causing in the process. Your mother’s job was to evacuate all the citizens away from the fight. She died shielding a child from incoming debris. A noble way to go. But god was it gruesome. You found her after the fight was over, two metal poles impaling her. One through her stomach and one straight through her face, pools of blood growing bigger below her as she was left there, all the paramedics busy trying to save the heavily injured. You froze when you finally recognized her, unable to at first due to how mutilated her face was from the pole. Suddenly, you were transported back to being a six year old, falling asleep outside the door to your mother’s bedroom so you would know exactly when she would come home. Purposefully falling asleep in her arms so that she couldn’t go anywhere.

When you used the key she had given you to get into her apartment that night, and you slept in her room, desperate to intake anything left of her before she was fully gone. You doused yourself in her perfume so it still felt like she was standing right behind you. You had always loved her smell. The smell of vanilla, curl product, and fancy perfume. They were attached to memories you had of her. Trying on her heels when you were a kid to try and be fancy like her. Smelling her hair in the morning before school to comfort you before she left for work. Despite all of this bringing you comfort, all it really did was cause further denial in your heart. That one day you were gonna hear the keys clacking in the keyhole to your apartment one more time. That’s all you really wanted. You would give everything up in a heartbeat just to hear her police scanner go off one last time. But it wasn’t going to. And it was your fault. Deep down you knew it was. You should’ve done a better job controlling the debris. You had always been a messy fighter, but you didn’t know it was going to mean anything until it was too late. 

How you got up to the top of that building is still a blur to you to this day. But next thing you know, you were looking at the New York City skyline from the very top of the Empire State Building. And at the very edge too. You heard some sounds behind you, but you just decided it was the wind howling from how high up you were. You were just so tired. Everything and everyone you loved was cursed all because of you. And with your mother as the most recent victim, you decided you finally had enough. You took a deep breath, eyes overflowed with water, as you set your foot forward.

Your plummet was interrupted by a sudden contact you felt to your forearm. Shock filled your body as you turned around to look at what had stopped your attempt. The blue hand was massive, nearly wrapping back around onto itself as it held onto you for dear life. You finally looked up at face that the hand belonged to. The mask that covered the massive figure was a strange one. Blue with strange red silhouettes for the eyes. It kind of reminded you of…your own costume? That couldn’t be though there was no way. This must be the afterlife or something. You already jumped and that's why you didn’t remember your way up to the top. This was some kind of creature trying to stop you from jumping down to hell below. His breaths were heavy and loud, almost like he was desperate to stop you. This convinced you that this was real, which caused you to try to escape from his grip. He was stronger than you, and was putting up a huge fight. You were slick though. Once you were out of his hand, you closed your eyes and quickly made your jump. Everything flashed before your eyes. Your brother, Peter, your mom. You were hoping to see them soon. This was very quickly interrupted again when you suddenly stopped falling. Something had attached itself to your stomach. You opened your eyes. A web? This web was much different than yours though. It was glowing a bright, neon orange.

The man was holding onto the end of it tightly with both hands. His mask then disappeared to show his face. His was long, matching how big the rest of his body was, defined cheek bones sticking out. Brown wavy hair slicked back with a few loose strands flying out in the wind. The look of desperation on his face stook out most of all. Why did he care so much? He didn’t know you, and you definitely didn’t know him. “Let me pull you up. Please,” he said to you between shaky pants. You stared at him for a bit before nodding. He slowly pulled you up with the string of his web, each move more careful than the last. As soon as your feet were planted safely back on the roof of the building, he wrapped you up in his massive arms. You appreciated the gesture, but you didn’t return it, still very confused about why he was so concerned. He was so big around your body though, you couldn’t help but feel a little comforted, feeling his still shaky breaths against the hairs of your neck. Soon after, he clicked on some buttons on his neon orange watch and led you into a portal.

The rest is history. You’re grateful he found you that day. It allowed you to meet so many people, Peter B., Jess, Gwen, Hobie, Ben, Pavitr, Margo. They all related to you and you felt like you could share things with them that you couldn’t do with anyone else. You had grown especially close to Peter and Jess, both of them having been in the game for a long time, just like you. They both knew how you felt, having lost so much and growing so tired after so many years. Peter even named you as Mayday’s godmother when she was born, a gesture that caused you to nearly kill him with your hug. Miguel though was different. He wasn’t nearly as social as the rest of your friends, but you found yourself having much more intimate moments with him (in more ways then one). You eventually found out why Miguel was so concerned for you the day you met. He had taken interest in your abilities early into looking for variants for his little “project”, but refrained from roping you into something so dangerous while you were still in your teens.

Once you were old enough though, he started paying more and more attention, hoping to catch you in a fight and recruit you then. But he was always pulled away with more important duties to attend to. That was until he witnessed your canon event. He had seen it happen so many times before through his scanners. It was going to happen. It had to in order for your universe to not collapse in on itself. But for some reason, yours hurt more than the rest to him. Especially how you coped with it. Seeing you wrap yourself up in her blankets and clothes broke his heart. He knew where this would lead to. That’s why he was there that day. To save you. He had to, or he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. You got your own watch immediately, along with your own room in the Spider Society headquarters. He stayed close with you for the first month of you being a member of the team. When he wasn’t out on missions, he was with you. You didn’t really know what to label you two as, but whatever was going on, you liked it. And he did too.

That is until Miles came into the picture. Once Miles was bit, all hell broke loose for Miguel. He was always in some alternate dimension catching some Spider-Man villain who got out and rangled them back over here, falling back over to you more beat up and bruised than the last time. You couldn’t imagine how much stress he was under, the fate of the entire multiverse up to him. You had some ways of helping him relieve his stress, but you wish you could convince him that he wasn’t alone in this. But nothing ever got through to him. He had become distant, aloof even. You tried bringing it up to Jess every so often, but she would just brush it off.

“That’s how he’s always been.” Not to you he hasn’t. This week has been hell though. With Spot making it over to Miles, Miguel had been going into rages all week. You had put up with it for now, but that was all about to stop. Watching how harsh he was being on Miles, throwing so many Spider-Men at an innocent boy, risking all of their lives in the process. Disregarding everything Gwen and Peter were feeling and then throwing Gwen back into her broken world with nothing. He had gone too far. No one else was going to stand up to him about it, so you knew it had to be you. Maybe he would listen, maybe he wouldn’t. It didn’t really matter. He just needed to hear it.

“It’s not worth it you know.” The voice snapped you out of your thoughts, stopping you in your tracks. “You know how stubborn he gets over these things,” said Jess, trying to convince you to save your breath. “I don’t care. I have to at least try,” you responded, monotonically. “I just don’t understand how you can follow him so blindly and not see what he’s doing is wrong.” “Because he isn’t wrong. I don’t know about you, but I’m not just gonna stand by and let some kid’s stupid decisions destroy another Earth,” Jess argued. “He’s just trying to save his dad, I can’t understand how that makes him such a bad person,” you said, finally turning around to face her, shocked when she was closer to you than expected.

“You know exactly why. Don’t be so naive, y/n,” she shot back. “You can’t stop me,” you said staring straight into her. She shrugged. “Then I can’t help you.” She began to walk away. You did to, until you heard her say. “You don’t know how much he cares for you.” You turned around to face her again, but her back was still to you, her head tilted ever so slightly to look at you. “If you really do care for the kid, watch what you say to Miguel right now. Cause you might just give him the final push he needs to do what needs to be done.” You didn’t give her a response, and just simply kept walking. You felt Jess’ eyes on your back as you entered the elevator to get up to Miguel’s office.

The elevator ride up felt longer than it should’ve, as you tried to gather all of your thoughts and emotions together so even if he didn’t listen, your words would still stick with him in some way. You didn’t necessarily want to hurt him (though your fists were telling you otherwise), but you did want him to be aware of what he’s done. Once the doors finally opened, all of that work flew out the window as rage took over your body again, seeing Miguel up there looking at the scanners. The fact that he looked just as normal as he always does made you furious. It’s like nothing happened.

“You know, I could hear you coming in from the lobby,” he said, almost stopping you in your tracks. You hated when he did that. Claiming that he knew what your every move was going to be. Like you were under his control or something. “Yeah, well then you must’ve heard me talking to Jess, which means you know exactly what this is about,” you shot back, stopping to where you could see him perched up there. “Why don’t you just save me the conversation about morality and just come up here and kick my ass already. It’ll save both of us time,” he said, not even taking his eyes off the scanners to look down at you. This only added to your fury. “That’s not what I’m here for Miguel, so don’t you dare try to twist my words here. What you did to that kid was fucked up and you know it.” “Oh yeah, then why didn’t you try to do anything to stop me?” he questioned.

“Because I’m not stupid Miguel. I’m not gonna try to take down hundreds of Spider-Men at once.” “Oh, cause you’re so much better than that?” This wasn’t like him at all. That gentle, kind, and caring Miguel you once knew was gone, taken over by some sort of personal vendetta he had against Miles. “Listen, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but this all needs to stop before it gets taken too far. You’re getting into a fight you can’t win. That kid’s strong and so are his allies. And if you go any further into this, I won’t be here to help you.” He stayed still and only turned his head to look at you. “And what makes you think that you’re so important to my plan that it’ll fall apart if you leave? Have you really become that pretentious?”

Your body froze. Have I really? No no no, that’s exactly what he wants. If you begin to doubt yourself now, you’ll stay and nothing will change. You knew you were right. He was trying to crumble you down, but you wouldn’t let that happen. “And you really think that one kid is going to ruin something that you’ve been working for for years? How insecure you’ve become.” “You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, turning back away from you. You did the same, wiping off your face in anger. “I hate it when you do tha-,” you said as you turned back around, but were cut off to find Miguel standing there right in front of you. He was close. Too close to your liking, although in any other circumstance you would’ve found this attractive.

He tilted his head up, but his eyes were down staring daggers into yours. You hated how much he tried to make himself seem more superior to you. “You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he repeated, this time slower as if you were a child. “He’s just a kid Miguel,” you said in a low, quiet voice. “An anomaly. And a dangerous one at that.” “God Miguel, all he wants to do is protect his dad, do you know how insane you sound right now?” you said letting out a slight laugh when you finished. You backed away from him a little. “He doesn’t know how much damage he’ll do with this. Saving his father will only prolong the inevitable. His world will be gone within hours if he does this. All I’m trying to do is make him understand,” he tried to explain. “By trying to kill him.” “You always have to exaggerate the situation,” he said palming his face. “But that’s essentially what you’re trying to do isn’t it? Why not snuff out the problem entirely by taking him out!”

He signed and began to walk away while you were talking, bringing up your anger even more. “Yeah, use all the power you’ve accumulated over the years and just take out the small problem! Except this isn’t just a fly on the wall Miguel. This is a child! An innocent boy who didn’t ask for any of this to happen to him, just like how we didn’t. I get it, I’m sorry that this job is stressful, I really am. But that gives you zero right to act the way you are!” You were screaming at him at this point. You didn’t want to. You didn’t want your emotions to get the best of you. But he was being too stubborn. This was the only way you thought you could get to him. You might not have wanted to, but you needed to hurt him now. It was the only way.

“You can’t be so power blind that you refused to accept the fact that there could be a way around Captain Davis’ death. You said we saved Earth’s before, I’m sure we could do it again.” Your anger only kept rising when he kept walking away and didn’t respond. “This is a personal thing isn’t it?” you asked calmly. You knew it was working now when he stopped walking. “Yeah, it it. You won’t let Miles get his happy ending. Because why should he be pardoned of his burden while the rest of us have suffered so much. While you’ve suffered so much.” The answer to your question was confirmed when Miguel stayed silent. “Just because you didn’t get the life you wanted Miguel, doesn’t mean you have the right to stop other people from getting theirs.”

You knew you overstepped the line when Miguel turned around and started walking towards you, fury burning in his crimson eyes. “Yeah, so what! What if that is what this is all about! You should know better than anyone how much this job takes away from you!” he screamed at you, backing you up into a wall. “Why should he get to be let off so easily, while people like you and me have to suffer so much? Don’t try to turn me into the villain here when I know you’re thinking the exact same thing, y/n.” He wasn’t entirely wrong. You had wondered it at some points. “I won’t let you turn this onto me Miguel, this is about you,” you fired back. “Oh no, you’re not getting off that easily. I know you’re thinking it. And you’re right. Why should Miles get let off so easily when you’ve lost so much.” He held your hands in his, trying to connect to you. “And you have mi vida. You’ve had so much taken from you and it’s unfair. Why should he only have lost one person when you’ve had three taken from you. Your brother, Peter, your moth-.”

He was cut off by your hand striking against his face in a harsh blow. “If you’re smart, and I know you are, you’ll keep those three out of them. I won’t let you drag their names through the dirt for something as stupid as this.” You both stood there for a while, both of your eyes looking towards the ground, hoping it would open up to swallow you both as an escape from this god awful conversation. You never wanted it to come to this. In all honesty, you cared for Miguel. You might’ve even loved him, if you were even capable of doing such a thing. You hoped he felt the same way about you, but in a job like this, he always had at least one wall up around you. It just wasn’t worth it anymore. You were too tired to keep trying for something that was most likely going to fall apart in the end. 

“You’re still going after him aren’t you?” you asked, finally breaking the silence. Miguel looked back up at you. “You can’t ask me not to. You know better than anyone why this is so important to me.” He moved his hand up to cup your cheek and kissed your forehead gently. You let it sit there for a minute out of habit before pushing it off your face. “And you must know why I can’t stay anymore then.” His shoulders dropped. “Whatever this thing between us is. It’s over. I can’t stay beside someone who can’t see what he’s doing is wrong.” Miguel’s dropped hand turned into a fist of anger. “Fine,” he spat in your face. “I don’t need someone like you in my way. You’re just a liability to this anyways.” He began to walk away from you back to his scanners. “Just don’t come crying back over to me when your little plan doesn’t work out, cause I won’t help you.” He used his webs to pull himself back up to the platform to keep looking for Miles. You stood there for a second, gathering yourself.

Five years. Out the door just like that. It bewildered you how easily a bond like you two had could be broken all because of one teenager. You began to make your way for the door before you said. “When this is all over…don’t try to find me.” He didn’t respond. Once the elevator doors opened, you rushed inside, desperate to get away from him. So many thoughts rushed through your head as the doors closed and you sunk down back to the lobby to leave. You didn’t have much of a plan. This could end up being a horrible idea. Your gut told you it was the right thing to do though. And that was enough for you. You walked out of the headquarters lobby with a new heart and a new mind, ready to take action for your new plan.

First though, you had to find Gwen.

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a/n: god that took longer than it should've. dw dw i'll do a part 2 if enough people ask for one. im not 100% sure how im gonna do a part 2 cause yk....idk how beyond the spiderverse is gonna go so tbh, we're just gonna make it go the way i want lmao. thanks for reading, ik this was kind of a long one lmao

NEXT CHAPTER

#miguel o’hara #miguel o'hara x reader #spiderman across the spiderverse #spiderman 2099 #into the spider verse #spider-woman reader #across the spiderverse #fem!reader #fanfic #fanfiction #spiderman #spider man #spider man: across the spider verse #spiderverse

[hiemaldesirae]

i have less than 24 hours left before i have to go through one of the most stressful days of my life so. heres a list of my fav radiostatic fic recs in no particular order

clarification: by radiostatic i mean fics where vox is 100% not the dom in the relationship. most of these dont contain explicit sex though, and im not recommending any straight porn fics here because you can easily find those with a click and search through the bottom vox tag lmao

most of these fics are unfinished, so be warned that i will not take accountability if you get attached to these without them being finished properly. in fact ill just laugh at you because then we'll be suffering together

now, that aside- starting off strong with some of the more popular fics:

RHTVS / Radio Healed the Video Star by Aspiring_Forest_Witch

notes: LONG fucking fic. like this guys almost 700k words long fic. one of the best things ive ever read in my life though and it has a plotline thats frankly more engaging than the actual showing of hazbin on amazon. so. you know. if you have the time to read it Please do you wont regret it

Unraveling Emotions by Xaelei

notes: one of my favourite fics ever on god. started my brainrot for dad!husk, portrays one of the most scrumptious radiostatic dynamics and is generally so very well written that i might end up trying to recreate one of the scenes in comic form. genuinely in love with this fic and im so glad i can say i was the first comment on this fic because my God its such a treat to see new chapters drop for this. unfortunately i havent had the time to write out a detailed comment as of now but if someone wants to let the author know that im still in love with their fic and will continue supporting it until i drop dead go ahead for me

Safe with Me by rillyrillo

notes: the prequel and main fic of this series is human radiostatic, though the sequel is set in hell. it comes with gorgeous gorgeous art and frankly one of the most exhilirating endings ive ever had the pleasure of witnessing play out. i recommend you guys check out their other fics too, the art continues in them + their radiostatic is written wonderfully across all universes!

A Month of Rut by Vylad

notes: this fic is very self indulgent to me. i love the way radiostatic is written in this one because theyre very soft and sweet, but others may not prefer it if theyre looking for freak4freak radiostatic. if you just want something to indulge in and relax with at the end of a heavy day though this is my #1 rec. i read this sometimes when i find myself crying at night lmao

Down, Up, and Back Down by CowboyEnthusiast

notes: made me sob like a baby. 10/10 no notes whatsoever read it for yourself because you WILL not regret it. i genuinely am always at a loss for words whenever i reread this because it is among the most gutwrenching but beautiful and poetic works that ive ever read and i think it deserves some recognition

Mind the Gap by ZLynn

notes: again, to reiterate, i do very much dislike the abusive!staticmoth portrayal i see in a lot of fics. but in this one... it's written so perfectly, i can definitely see it actually happening. i enjoy the way that val does still seem to care about vox, albeit in his own twisted way that eventually breaks and fractures their love and trust, and its just. Ugh. So fucking good

+ with the less popular but still wonderful depictions of radiostatic that i love to indulge in:

i'll give you a show (cause it helps fill the seats) by dead_and_dreaming

notes: absolutely shameless plug from me for my dear mk's work because i cant stop thinking about the way that she's portrayed al here. its actually insane how fucked up that stupid little deer is and i just. i really fucking love the way that their alastor is written, it's genuinely probably my Number One depiction of alastor ever. i demand more of this stupid little freak RIGHT NOW!!!!

Any of the fics by Rachello344 in the Hazbin Hotel Fandom Tag on their profile

notes: so remember when i told you guys i wouldnt be linking straight porn. looks away... okay in my defense though i read the smut for the characterization and their unique dynamics. its sooo interesting to see how their radiostatic is explored here and im honestly refreshed by the depiction of their relationship. im here for it !!!

The Read 'Em and Weep Series by TooManyPseudonyms

notes: so from what i was able to piece together (everything flies over my head when im reading, forgive me for my low media literacy) this is an au set before the hotel where (in the first work) al and vox are in a qpr relationship. in the second work this evolves into a romantic relationship, and the exploration of their dynamic through this is just... Yeah. please read it its 100% worth your time and so underrated it hurts my heart

Uneasy by Saezs

notes: this fic is one of the first radiostatic fics i read (the others being RHTVS and... i think i tried the 666 series, but it didnt appeal to me lol) and its actually just wonderful. i really love saezs's genderfluid vox and how supportive the other vees are of them <3 their portrayl of the characters puts a smile on my face whenever i reread their work

Heat Waves by HappyPRAWN

notes: i'll be fr dsmptsd hit me like a truck when i read the title but it is such an interesting debut! only at one chapter as of me making this post but the way the author wrote this is so engaging and it really makes me wonder what they have next in store for the fic

Do I have your attention now? by Chi_Chi25

notes: wow no way we have the same name... anyway ahem. ill be completely honest this ones a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. this fic is a bit fragmented and short, so for people who click off fics when they see imperfect grammar this one may not be for you. however if you can look past that, it has an engaging storyline and quite the juicy concept :)

Killer Ex by FanGirl48

notes: gorgeous, gorgeous little human! radiostatic oneshot. i love the relationship that vox and al have here... the reasons why they both stayed away from each other even though theyre still so very clearly down bad for each other... anyway. i think about this one a lot and i still go back to reread it sometimes lol

Negotiations by FanGirl48

notes: i didnt realize until i started making this list that this fic was also written by fangirl48.... go off queen keep feeding us (me). this one was a fic recommended to me initially by link nonny, and i can 100% vouch for how good it is. its got appletv interactions, radiostatic plus lucifer trying to navigate heaven, angels... basically everything needed for a very varied and well packed with flavour story

The diary of a Serial Killer by ShippersCave

notes: okay im running out of brain juice at this point but. yeah this fic is soooo self indulgent to me. this ones another human au, with al as a serial killer and vox as the journalist trying to conduct interviews with him. its got SUCH a good dynamic between al and vox, i encourage you guys to check it out and give it a chance even if youre not really into human aus.

My heart's been pierced by Cupid by ShippersCave

notes: pirate/siren au !!!!!!!!! RAAHH !!!!! i dont have to say anything else for this if thats not enough to get you to click then i dont know what is

System Shutdown by Swoolie

notes: i cant believe i nearly forgot about this one LMAO... vox goes onto a temporary hiatus and everyone goes crazy about it. im not really sure if this counts as radiostatic frankly because of the way its tagged but its so good i think you should give it a read anyway

Together in Radio Static by Anonymous

notes: QPR media husbands radiostatic au !!!! i love this one especially because it opens off with vox slapping alastor across the face for leaving him LMAOO (deserved)

What Has Been by Tianren

notes: another human au (YEAH YEAH I KNOW. JUST HEAR ME OUT OKAY i swear im cooking) look, as someone with religious trauma deeper than i can properly express and the worlds fifteenth worst parental issues, the depiction of vox in this fic just really hits home. i really adore the exploration of voxs past and how the themes of religious guilt and cults are woven in so far- and it blends very seamlessly with their human au, despite the characters eccentricities

you're too sweet for me by awestruck_atrophy and moonbeanies

notes: basically, vox and al make a deal where vox tries to help him out of the shackles or whatever that are bound to him because of his stupid dumbass lusting for power. its very intriguing so far and i love the setup and worldbuilding the authors have done, so you should check it out if you want a unique perspective on radiostatics relationship

candlelight by curtailed

notes: the best way i can think of to describe this one is like... fake marriage but instead of fake marriage its. fake roommates??? the author probably puts it better than me tbh. its super interesting so far, i cant wait to see where this one is headed especially with how unique its premise is!

Zero Day by Anonymous

notes: this one is like those time regression manhwas. you know, the ones where the protag goes back in time and proceeds to try and avoid everyone who made their life miserable- only to fail because for some reason now they're paying attention to them more than they would have had they stayed the same person. its certainly very promising, though! i do love indulging in time regression stories, especially when the mc is someone i love like vox. i really cant wait to see which direction this one is headed in :)

Never as Good as the First Time by IComeForFanficsNowin403

notes: okay. so, uh. um. so- this one is in spanish. HOWEVER its premise (serial killer alastor meets television star (?? i think. its not quite clear) at a party hosted by rosie, moves into his neighborhood to keep an eye on the pretty prey) is just so unique i honestly think its worth the experience to pull out google translate and try living the machine translated life. really. give it a chance. also its got beautiful art to go along with, so.. you know. thats just a bonus!

+ honorary staticmoth and one-sided/past radiostatic fic rec:

Freak-A-Zoid by Femalefonzie

notes: this fic deserves every single piece of praise its ever gotten because good lord. its SO good. i was not seeing the radiostatic twist come in, but it *is* mostly staticmoth. and also a/b/o but i mean. who *hasnt* indulged in a little bit of a/b/o before honestly

there are other fics that i personally like to indulge in, but i frankly wouldnt recommend to anyone else because they're either the kinds of fics that i myself can only bring myself to read after ive spent 8 hours at work crying into my pillow and need to look at something entertaining, or when im starved of content and cant be bothered to cook myself so i pull out the translator and start going at it. (technically i should know how to read french by now but. urgh. anywway..)

#ran rambles #radiostatic fic #radiostatic #fic rec #fanfic recommendation #hazbin hotel #honestly ive probably forgotten a few bangers but my brain is melted by now #if anyone wants to add their own recs feel free. these are just my personal likes #ive read stuff by arctic and addicted ofc but those ones are basically known by everyone afaik lmao. swm is known everywhere too #but thats a bit diff because it is part of an expanding series. so #anyway i didnt like some of the more popular fics like 666 or addicted but i know many people like those #and for good reason too because theyre wonderful! just not to my personal tastes and thats fine

[meowzilla93]

The people need little known facts about Baxter! Just like random headcannons, like what's his favorite holiday and why, etc. etc. Basically please just tell me more about this silly little man :)

*cracks knuckles*

me? talk about my favourite love interest in OL:BA?

Thought you'd never ask :P

favourite holiday? we already know his favourite season is fall cause nostalgia, and I almost wanna think that eventually Thanksgiving is his holiday

you absolutely know why but if i must elaborate

he is just so damn thankful for being able to reconnect with people he truly cared for, and that those people didnt give up on him; if MC romanced him, all the more thankful he has someone he can trust and rely on for the rest of his life, and that he can provide that back

but it wasnt always and only after Step 4; he needs to reconnect first for this to eventuate

and you just know that he will love hosting and cooking; any excuse to learn new recipes and show off his skills

before step 4 though? i dont think he had one, and thats his parents fault

any sort of events like these he had to attend with his family and be the 'expected perfect son' which he loathed

i do believe this is canon (pls correct if wrong) but i truly do believe he did not have any friends at his private school, and actively hated going

rebel Baxter? he sure was in his own way

spare periods between classes; he wandered off grounds to a spot where he could avoid the pompous populace

talk back to teachers? you can guarantee that; just more in that incheek way where they couldnt really punish him for what he said

can see him being the type to screw around in class and just be a bit of a bother to the teachers and students, but he was an A+ student all the way

guarantee that when asked to answer questions in class, if he was in the right sort of mood, straight up makeup facts just for the lols

(his parents might have put a stop to that real quick though)

mans was a brat we know this, and it was making the OLNF friends that made him question his life and his upbringing more

this is a touch more sad, but i think early on, he didnt really understand his parents position on things like the LBGTQIA+ community and such until he saw people he cared about be treated poorly by them, or heard what they had to say behind closed doors

i think this truly broke him and is what started the rifts in his friendships as he didnt know how to approach this (he is a kid, we cant expect him to know)

but what he did know, he NEVER wanted to be like his parents, and this is when he started his plan on moving to Virginia for uni

ahem, lets get back to some light hearted sweet stuff

i recon he went full platinum white once - pure white hair (you cannot take this away from me) but the upkeep of that was more insane than just handling black

favourite flower! rose. come on. even Cove said it in Step 1: Fancy!

though if we must choose a second option, Lupine

it has that really pretty purple colour (his second favourite colour after black and white) and its symbolism is very much on par with what he truly wants from life

google that shit, and tell me im wrong

100% reads smut; Im talking like Victorian era smut (Johanna Linsday, Amanda Quick type stuff)

October is his favourite month - the world around him was covered in that beautiful auburn colour

He loves pumpkin spiced lattes (with oat milk of course)

PRESENTS! oh oh when its Christmas time, this is the hardest thing for him because he doesnt just wanna buy something random, it needs to have meaning

You wanted to go see a museum? here are some tickets

Missed this movie when it was screening? Here is the Extended Release with all the additions DVD

You have a favourite flower or plant that you can never really have cause it doesnt grow in the climate you live in? In a frame you received a pressed and dried version of it, so you can always have it with you

.....i need to stop otherwise ill just keep going

(pls dont stop asking me though, ill talk about Baxter till death and will make a million more posts)

#our life beginnings and always #baxter ward #olba #olba baxter #olba mc #our life #our life headcannons #headcannons #i will never get sick of talking about baxter

[theclosetedskeleton]

please infodump about your damn skippy oc please i beg

YAHSHANXNABX YAYAYAYAY

okay here we go

I dont have an uhh actual name for the oc (yet), ill try to think about one soon. Anyways

He's (obv referring to my damn skippy oc) energetic and constantly moving around the place. Damn skippy oc try to sit still in one place (failed INSTANTLY).

+ "Naturally curious (Good example for this idea would be the song "rainwater") and lives in their daydreams" kinda person. (When robots attack) (ik theres the line 'how i wish this was just a dream' in when robots attack, but I imagine the scenario wasnt a "daydream" he has and moreso of an actual dream that feels real.)

[going back to the last part, I imagine the entire damn skippy album is just the oc going on these silly tangents abt their life + daydreams (maybe minus "ode to crayola", as I already have a diff oc for that song alone)]

Pronouns - He/they (Was originally gonna go with he/him but i like the concept of "he/they DS oc better)

Physical features !!!

DS has these swirls in their eyes, like the back of the album cover. Confession - Every now and then i think the pinkish color makes him look high but then i add the blue and im like "nuh uh" HWKAN 😭

They also have these star pupils, I added the idea when i first designed the oc back in jan-feb time period. Btw these features arent like contact lenses those are his actual eyes :3 I imagine my DS oc to be like... 80% human and the 20% is uhhh I dont know that answer

Along with this, theres like this ink or whatever that seeps from his eyes. Theyre not tears or anything, no matter what they do to remove the ink it just comes back eventually, but the ink only gets down to a certain point to where it just stops flowing.

small features !!! he wears a lot of stickers on their face, mainly because the stickers are really cool

LOTS of kandi bracelets/wrist bands/spiked bracelets. There probably was a time where he was a scene kid, and they still take inspiration from that 2000s/2010s scene time period.

[side note!!! this doesnt relate with my oc 100% but

on the topic of the kandi bracelets part, DS makes a lot of kandi bracelets for HTTJB (another oc based on a LD album) (The hip to the javabean oc isnt my oc, its @shrimpmcbites 's). Occasionally DS will just give HTTJB a new kandi bracelet for no apparent reason. ]

LOTS OF COLOR !!!!!!!! DS constantly wears so many things dealing with color and bright things, like as if those saturated bright colorful photos were a person.

DS IS TRANS!!!!!! trans ftm to be specific. fuck making all my characters different.... i WILL project on every one of them

(on a specific note, DS hasnt gotten any sort of medical transition like HRT or top/bottom surgery)

Projecting on my oc once more !!!! but fuck i dont care - DS is aroace and queerplatonic !!!! + DS is also in a qpr W/HTTJB because me and @shrimpmcbites said so muahaha (we are both projecting...)

(Geeks is love is abt them !!!!! the line "I don't think they'll ever get the groovy standards that we set for love" fits oh so perfectly with the fact the DS and HTTJB oc's are in a qpr)

Okay now for a bit of silly facts

Favorite drink - Tea !!! of any kind !!!! or maybe koolaid or the type of water drinks where you pour the syrup of a flavor in water and you get juice if yk what im talking abt

Favorite food - I imagine DS to really like smores. especially the ones with too much extra stuff and too many marshmellows and chocolate

Favorite type of music - anything DS can dance to. or just move around to. He doesn't really like sad songs.

Favorite color -Probably all of them but mainly the really saturated BRIGHT colors

Hobbies -

Dancing (not really good at it, + is not a professional, they just do it bc he NEEDS a way to channel all of the internal energy they have.),

Reading (only comic/graphic novels, anything else and he just loses attention)

KANDI - They has SO. MANY. KANDI. STUFF. AT HOME. probably even a few pieces of kandi clothing because of all of the extra time they have on his hands.

Video games - Esp those really retro ones, but he'll play almost any video game that goes in their hands

HOLY SHIT THIS POST IS SO LONG. idk what else to add but if anyone reads this till the end and has any input about the oc send me an ask about it because my DS oc (and @shrimpmcbites 's HTTJB oc) has been CLAWING at my brain and i need people to talk to me about them

#closet rambles again on tumblr #oc info #Damn skippy #Lemon demon #Lemon demon oc

[oletusfragments]

💌 to the recipient Victor Grantz;

At first I thought you disliked me, with how you'd flee the room so suddenly whenever I'd tried speaking with you, or look away in what I'd assumed to be contempt. It upset me at first, thinking I had done something to deserve your ill-view of me. I have come to realise otherwise, as the other residents have explained to me your general aversion to being in the centre of attention. Suddenly it made sense to my why you performed so well as a postman. Every letter crafted with careful attention to the people around you so that you could help us all in matches- I'm amazed everytime at your consistency but even moreso at how earnest you are. Forgive me for saying this but I'm so very intrigued by you.

In recent times everytime I get a letter in matches from you it takes me back to the excitement I felt reading the first letter you'd ever sent my way. I recall the hope it gave me to push on and eventually escape that match through that dungeon. I couldn't expect you to have known then, but I wasn't doing too well that day and was quite upset, but that small act of kindness from you was enough to help me rest easy when I went to sleep.

To be honest it's something I'm jealous of, the ability to concisely write in a way that touches the heart everytime, an envious gift to have. You may not talk to us in the conventional sense but your writing speaks in a way thats far more impactful. I found I'd be more saddened if I could no longer read it and as you're no doubt aware, the Baron has expressed we must get rid of your letters after the matchea so that we dont smuggle them for future use.

So I have taken upon myself to ask that perhaps instead of talking we could write to eachother, outside of the matches. I'm not as good as you at putting my thoughts onto paper, but I hope they reach you and that you may understand my intentions. I find myself reading too much between the lines in those matches to try to pry open the glimpse I had of just who you are. I ought to be more upfront in asking you, instead of wallowing in these feelings. Perhaps one day we could revel in eachothers presence without any spoken words too, if that makes you more comfortable. If I could come to understand you without having to utter a word, then I'd be willing to continue to write to you, if you'd do the same for me.

Eager regards, Dahlia

Victor Grantz has received your letter! 🔔

Victor has always felt joy in sending letters. The blissful reactions of his recipients is enough to make him feel the same. He does feel down sometimes whenever he wishes that there could be a letter for him too. Sometimes, he peeks at his letters just to momentarily feel what could be felt when someone sends a letter to you.

He became totally elated when he saw his name in the envelope. His whole body felt giddy with excitement and he blushes as the same color as his uniform.

That day, he immediately sent all the letters he needed to sent and competed the tasks he had to do. After that he rests in his room, taking his time at reading your letter.

Those words you've said, your praises, your sincerity, went straight to his heart. No one has ever said these to him.

He has sent letters but never received anything back. So to receive a letter about your love for him...he could just cry...–oh, but, from happiness, of course.

He is so thankful for your consideration of him. You acknowledged his existence more than anyone has. You've made him feel more special than he's ever been. You've made his wish come true.

Right! He needs to reply!

He rushes to grab a piece of paper and a pen from his desk drawer and immediately sat on the chair. The speed at which he did it is almost comical and even Wick is baffled by his sudden burst of energy.

Victor writes on the paper merrily, occasionally halting to think deeply.

This might be the first letter he writes and will delivers and so excitedly.

— Victor replied to your letter!

Dear Dahlia,

I sincerely apologize that I made you think I dislike you at first. It was unintentional...Actually, I didn't want you to hate me that's why I often avoid personal conversations. But, thank you for being so considerate of me. Hearing that you're interested in me makes me feel all excited and my cheeks starts to warm up...

You're one of the first people who read my letters more deeply than anyone else. You even replied to me. It's embarrassing, but even as a postman, I deliver letters everyday but there are none for me. This is one the first letters I've ever received. I'm really happy.

And yes! I would love to keep exchanging letters with you. I am not a vocal person. And I do prefer to keep things on paper... This is the only way I think I'd be able to talk to someone properly. Perhaps, in the future, we can be close enough to say our thoughts and feelings beside each other.

If you ask me, you might have already understood me better than anyone else. Thank you. And I hope I can make you feel the same way you feel about me.

– Victor Grantz

[ This might be the longest letter I've ever done. Hope you liked it! ]

#identity v imagines #identity v x reader #idv imagines #idv x reader #identity v #identity v matchups #idv #idv matchup #victor grantz #letter: sent!

[thesisthehomosexual]

gay bug angst rambling

TW for the usual things involving Tiso/Quirrel and angst: injuries, su1c1d3, s3lf h@rm themes, tr@vm@, all of those sorta themes, be safe this is under the readmore

also what i say in here is not meant to be offensive or encourage anything listed in the triggers. I was just thinking angst thoughts and i though about these two gay bugs

tisoquirrel angst is good but i want to see more unique angst of them other than Quirrel at the blue lake or Tiso getting hurt in the Colosseum. Give me injured pill bug with funny little himbo ant. Reverse the caretaker roles i want to see Tiso deal with taking care of a random ass pill bug. Also the fact the pill bugs turn bright fucking blue when they get sick is such a good opportunity. like what if it was just Tiso: Quirrel you look like the fucking blue lake Quirrel: oh shit Tiso im fucking dying

that would be funny and also good for hurting everyone. Or what about instead of hurting Quirrel we get more Tiso emotional angst? Most of the angst/hurt comfort fics/art i have seen focus on Tiso with physical injuries but what about his e m o t i o n a l d a m a g e ? Cant tell me this ant got no complex emotions needing processing all the fucking bugs lived through a plague brought on by god and he fucking almost(did in cannon) die. That should be plenty enough to fuck him up nice enough to provide plenty emotional pain for us to consume.

Quirrel also more angst other than just "Oh boy i killed monomon my life has no purpose anymore into the lake i go weeeee" we dont know too much about Quirrel's past other than he was Monomon's assistant and worked in the archives and sealing the dreamers. We have basically no clue what could have happened when he left hallownest. What about after the blue lake incident? That gives plenty of opportunities. Blue lake in itself can be so much deeper than we write it as. A lot of things ive read about Quirrel at blue lake have been kinda dry (not to be mean btw, im just ranbling here at 6 am-) i require mentally ill pill bug. There is plenty of ways to portray mental illness without breaking character. I want to see this man take a fucking deep dive into depression or something like that. Just hit him with a fucking train. Also if he attempted to become a rock at blue lake and failed that could be traumatizing. Even if he did not follow through with the attempt the knowledge that he was going to and that he had planned it out could be pretty terrifying for Quirrel.

How could these interact? hehehhee i have prompts if anyone would like them otherwise just think about all the angst :DDDD

here are the promts very much angst btw

Tiso sees Quirrel doing the harming of himself (either as a way to punish himself for something or as a way to ground himself or some other way idk man i just make angst ideas-) and panics before going to try and comfort Quirrel for extra hurt Tiso gets triggered and has a panic attack after it and Quirrel feels awful while comforting Tiso. both are mentally ill your honor.

Tiso snapping at a minor inconvenience and Quirrel comforting him until he eventually cries himself to sleep. Quirrel could ask him about it or he could just be there for him as a form of comfort.

Quirrel getting triggered and having a panic attack after falling into a large body of water soon after his attempt or backing out of it while Tiso has to try and keep Quirrel grounded and let him know he is safe,

Tiso has flashbacks/nightmares of the coliseum and Quirrel learns about it by noticing Tiso not sleeping or he falls asleep on him and has a nightmare.

I love angst can you tell?

#hollow knight #hk quirrel #hk tiso #tisoquirrel #gay bug angst lmao #this was long #6 am rambling #gay bugs #why did i do this

[joleneghoul]

Hey I followed to see that DC Disability public essay, so I’m new to this blog. It had me wondering what was your journey of discovering DC and it’s characters and what are your favorite comics, stories and characters?

Hi! Welcome and I'm sorry this blog is kinda my "put everything i think of" train of thought blog. But it's also my only blog lol! Thank you for being interested in the Essay. It's not near done as I'm still taking responses but we will get there. Rest is under cut because i accidentally rambled on.

As far as my journey with DC comics I feel like Dc has just been a part of my life forever- I've grown up in this world where caped stories are pop culture and everywhere and when i was growing up like EVERY cartoon about heroes was about the dc ones (brave and the bold, batman the animated series, justice league)

Actually my first memory I can recall is seeing an episode of justice league on the tv and seeing john stewart green lantern.

Though I wouldnt of called myself a fan really back then because my special interests for most of my life started with Sonic and then Transformers. But in my opinion the base of both of those universes and stories is the same as caped comics so it makes sense I eventually got into them fully.

I don't think I've told the story about how I started actually reading the comics but basically I was homeless at 17 and thats when my love for these comics started. I started reading old batman comics because around then I had met my boyfriend whos special interest was batman so that was my way of both distracting myself and bonding with him.

BUT through batman comics I got introduced to Blue Beetle and Booster Gold and I instantly shifted to reading the Blue beetle comics (sorry to booster i didnt read vol 1 until maybe a year later) specifically the 1986 solo about Ted Kord.

Like I mentioned I was homeless at the time and I hadn't even been diagnosed yet with any of my illnesses I had been suffering from for 5+ years at that time. But within those comics there are two very special stories that cemented my love for these comics and its.

1. Ted has an issue where he goes around the streets of Chicago at night because someone is killing homeless people. In other stories i'd read heroes would maybe briefly talk to the homeless if at all. But instead of that Ted the entire comic sits down with people and speaks to them and gets their stories. I remember reading it and feeling "oh, this is a hero who would actually care to sit down on the sidewalk with me. This is special".

2. There is another story in this run where Ted basically defends the life of this kid who ran away from home and has no immune system and sets out a way to help him. Not the best but I was relating to the kid at the time.

I ended up carrying around an issue relating to Ted in my backpack for most of that time just because it was special to me. Anyways its pretty much history from there I ended up getting into Booster Gold and other heroes as I looked further into these stories and learned more about teams and etc. But Ted Kord will always be special to me, especially since he also has a chronic condition.

As my condition progressed this became one of my outlets for expression and it still is. Through reading I found that a lot more of these heroes were disabled than I had previously thought because NOBODY talked about it. I remember at first not knowing Booster had lost an arm because it just wasn't something I saw mentioned (though back then like. Nobody was posting abt him or ted hardly. you'd be surprised it was like they had a lull in popularity for a bit which makes sense they were not in comics) so I kinda have made it so I talk about these things so they are in peoples minds more. At least a bit.

As far as my Favorite comics go I have to say my favorite comic is Justice Leagues Quarterly 10, but you'd probably want to know the JLI roster before reading it if you dont. JLQ has very fun collections of stories. I try to recc blue beetle 1986 to people too just because it's special to me same for booster gold 1986.

Speaking of essays, here is one I wrote about Booster Gold and his relationship with disability.

[bonesandthebees]

I got a little too excited when reading rose and

so it took me a while to work thru the chapter since I write my comments as I read and I decided not to repeat everything started in the thats important to learn about the characters bc that would be almost the whole chapter so i saved it for my analysis here, but I kept getting lost in a cycle of too many thoughts and not much reading about the characters and everything going on oops

time to gather the base info we have (im telling myself analysing this is practising for my literature classes so im technically doing stuff for school when in fact im procrastinating stuff for school, ill do it after this I promise I just need to get this out of my head)

wilbur:

- studying to be the next consil and phil is giving him some lesson, but it seems hes only now going to get fully introduced to all the inner workings

- the ferronnière: hes basically constantly aware of it, both physically (keeps checking he has it) and mentally (aware of his position and controlling his actions, the metaphor of ferronnière pressing on his head as the pressure being put on him) which isnt really healthy but theres not really another option

also he keeps making sure the ferronnière is visible whenever he needs to be respected and we saw a guard doubt him before they saw the ferronnière so its not just a feeling but the ferronnière actually gives him respect and wilbur himself doesnt really have any

- his relationship with phil is as can be expected, phil is not a bad dad, he needs to prepare wilbur to survive in court, but he might be a bit too focused on that + his duties as consil and that results in very strict and bit distant parenting

from his fear of phil not telling him about the announcement and the flinch when called his full name you can see that wilbur is very afraid of disappointing phil, bc in the past that probably meant something like shouting and he was probably called wilum at those times

but its not that phil doesnt care, hes making sure wilbur will be able to be a good consil and I believe it when he says hes taking care of their family (which is just sandduo, or maybe techno too?) and so far he looks satisfied with wilbur, proud even (me when phil is proud of wilbur in any universe bdhdhdjjfjen)

- hes really close friends with niki, since childhood, and there is deep trust between them, with wilbur letting niki even touch his ferronnière, something very personal and important, sharing fidgeting with their rings....

they plan to hopefully rule together (which is not at all unrealistic in their situation) but it wont be able to work the way it has so far, the way they imagine it, already with the strain of wils promise to phil and more will surely com, niki will learn about wilbur not telling her everything eventually and idk how shell take it

im not saying their friendship couldnt work im just afraid it wont survive bc theyll keep trying to hold it up to their childhood standards which isnt possible in this situation and I predict a falling out maybe becoming enemies even

- we dont see much of his relationship with quackity and the tension of niki vs q with wilbur on nikis side is ever present, but theyre still friends

when quackity arrived at the palace they were all still kids and while they did know about the competition going on but they probably had some classes together and I assume wilbur and niki were there only other kids in an adequate position to play with so theres nothing weird about the friendship

also I wouldnt be surprised if phil encouraged it, it was him who told wil to keep his chances open on all fronts

they also both have mutual respect

theres also this undertone to their conversation that is just so tntduo of them

1/2

wilbur's ferronnière plays a rather symbolic role in the story. it's important to wilbur because it's his status symbol. it's the thing that, in his mind, gives him power. that's why he's constantly aware of it. that's why he's constantly adjusting it. it's representative of his position as the son of the consil and everything that comes with it

phil definitely isn't a bad dad in this, but he's not a great one either. he and wilbur have such a complex relationship I'm so excited to really dig into it. phil deeply cares about wilbur and wants the best for him, but wilbur is terrified of disappointing his father. phil sometimes sets his expectations too high, and wilbur scrambles to try and reach goalposts set out too far. but phil is still proud of his son, and just wants to see him thrive.

niki and wilbur's friendship certainly goes through a lot in this story... I'll say that

oh yeah phil 100% encouraged wilbur's friendship with quackity. they have a very... unique relationship i'll say. they're also childhood friends like he and niki are, but they're not as close in some ways and, in a sense, they're closer in other ways. you'll see what i mean later lmao

#ask #jiksvokrat #rose ch 1

[sameensass]

tagged by @lottieurl thankss

rules: share some unpopular opinions about 5 different fandoms of your choosing

Gonna tag @kalikojo @myhumbleme @wonderdanvers @the-lazy-traveller @fouralarm-fire @mayhemxtwins @marlokelly

1. She-Ra

I didn't like season 5 as much as everyone else seems to. I know that it was the last season they got and they had to wrap up relatively quickly, but Catra's redemption felt rushed in places, especially after seeing her "regression" arc develop over four seasons vs the one season of redemption. I think she got forgiven by others a bit too easily (mainly Scorpia she deserved so much better and Catra treated her horribly and took advantage of her for years and suddenly all is forgiven and hugs all around). There was clearly a plan on how the redemption would unfold and i think it could have worked if we got more episodes or one more season, but they just didn't have enough episodes to pace it more organically i think. They did well with the episodes they were given though, but as a whole it was unsatisfying for me. Also I watched it right after rewatching atla so after seeing how fleshed out Zuko's redemption arc was (who we saw redeem himself outside of the main group, apologizing to his uncle, and then the one on one forgiveness episodes to develop individual relationships with each main character) it was underwhelming

2. Legends of Tomorrow

I just don't really care about avalance. Lowkey stopped watching for a while because I got tired of them. They had their moments and they grew on me eventually but overall their relationship didn't really interest me

3. Warrior nun

Lots of people think the bar scene is when ava realized her feelings for beatrice but i think she realized her feelings sometime between s1 and s2 (she HAD feelings in s1 but didnt realize it til later)

Also as much as i love avatrice i really hope we get to see ava and beatrice's relationships with OTHER characters develop. i want to see more ava and camila friendship, i want to see beatrice and lilith (they grew up together!! i wanna see this!! and now suddenly they were on opposite sides of a fight after being allies and now are they going to rebuild that trust?), I wanna see more ava and lilith (both of them had the responsibilities of being/becoming the warrior nun both of them had all that pressure i wanna see them bond about it i want their begrudging friendship); I WANT TO SEE MARY AND LILITH INTERACTING WITH EACH OTHER

4. Heroes of Olympus

sorry but will and nico felt forced in the way that leo and calypso felt forced: seems like rick just took a random background character just for the sake of pairing up a main character :// at least its more interesting in terms of the juxtaposition of the brooding son of death vs the optimistic and bright son of the sun. honestly tho overall most of the non-percabeth ships i dont have strong feelings about because rick just....didnt build them up as much, i didnt really feel the /build up/ of any romantic feelings for any other couple, despite heroes of olympus also being 5 books (probably due to the fact that there were too many main characters rick had to create and develop alongside the plot and there wasnt room to do both well). Lowkey i think it would have been better that if he were to make nico and will mains in trials of apollo, he could have had them officially meet and get to know each other as friends/allies and then develop romantic feelings throughout those 5 books. As it is and how i felt after BoO, it seems like at the end of BoO, nico returns to CHB and gets a crush on the first cute guy he sees and then that just automatically means he gets to date him (HOWEVER i havent read toa yet and mb ill like them more in that and i do want to read tsats....cant say id say the same for a stand alone leo x calypso book)

5. Class of '07/Parks and Rec

This is more of a gripe with the trope in a lot of sitcoms of the (usually) fat nerdy/oblivious soft-spoken character being constantly brushed aside and dismissed. Eg Laura (ie forgettable Laura, whose whole nickname is about how everyone ignores her, she's constantly interrupted when she tries to actually be helpful to the group etc) and Garry/Jerry (constantly belittled, getting misnamed even on his tombstone). Overall not a fan of having a character whose sole purpose is to be mocked constantly

#if ur seeing this through the search function on tumblr dont read it lmao #i was thinking of what unpopular opinions i had and could only think of books i saw being recommended that i just Did Not Like #but those books dont rly have a fandom on here anyway and i never post abt them either #tagged #lmao just realised for wn i just mainly listed more lilith which is also true

[cartoonrival]

you might have talked about this before, but I'd love to know what the Chaotix are like in your AU! I miss the archie crew so bad

YAAA so the whole gang is knux, js, mighty, ray, charmy, espio, and vector. charmy hasn’t gotten back from his colony in my archie reading so idk saffron yet, but considering her position in the story as charmys fiancé and that my version would def have charmy still be 6 (and not a prince), i’m not currently planning on including her but idk maybe her character will really speak to me and ill find a way to rewrite her backstory and fit her in another way.

mighty and ray’s meeting story is a little different, i still like the idea of ray not having any living family left and mighty rescuing him, but instead of the whole prison camp thing i think ray was a survivor in a roboticized town that the chaotix visited (without needing to deal w the echidnaopolis/dingos/good-god-what-is-that debacles they would prob be a bit closer tied to the freedom fighters, but i still Do want to give them their own unique facet of the story instead of just ffs version2. still a wip.). maaaaaybe ray reminds mighty of tilly and thats part of the reason why he takes ray in, but tbh i’m not a big fan of the whole “i only (started to) care about this person because they remind me of someone else i loved.” especially in light of rays anxiety about mighty getting tilly back and being scared tilly would replace him. so still not set in stone why mighty would decide to invite ray to join them. maybe it was just his big ole eyes. he looked very polite

something i kinda wanna explore is the origins of the detective agency, i don’t think id try to involve everyone in it though. it would still just be espio charmy and vector. the three of them eventually move off the island for business reasons, which would lead into why they’re so strapped for cash in a way that doesn’t seem to be affecting knuckles mighty js and ray. because the former three are actually trying to enter an at least somewhat capitalist society (sorry). i’m not sure how it would end up being those 3 specifically though or why they would decide to become detectives. i’m coming up with nearly all of this on the spot because you prompted me to even think hard about it (thank you)

charmy def only came along because when push comes to shove hes their little brother and they couldnt leave him behind, maybe it was esp and vec’s idea to begin with because they started accidentally solving cases and found they were actually good at it, and kinda similar to how they got a lot of work after the metal virus helping ppl find loved ones, they figured they could be of similar help with deroboticized mobians, and the other four just respectfully declined (knux and js for obvious reasons, and mighty just didnt think he was cut out for that sort of thing. and ray is sticking w mighty).

js and knux are def the two most tightly rooted to the island, but js is more prone to cabin fever than knuckles is so she does leave pretty often. usually she tries to get knuckles to come with her and someone else will watch the emerald, but even though knuckles DOES trust his friends he gets kinda antsy if hes away from it for too long or too often, so a lot of the time she leaves by herself or with someone else. archie!chaotix kind of put the story in a position where knuckles didnt have to worry about the master emerald quite as much because he had a bunch of friends who lived on the island and could cycle through guard duty when he wasnt there. it wasnt a BAAAD thing per se but the emerald is such a key part of knuckles character that i feel like if he no longer has to bear that weight alone then the core of his character is lost a bit ToT if you know what im saying. so i dont want him to be quite so willing to just let someone else handle it.

im on the fence about espio's spy backstory w the shinobi, i enjoyed READING it but idk if id want to carry through with it. the idea of him learning stuff that he just keeps from people could be recycled somehow though

#sth #asks157 #THANK YOU FOR ASKING! #jstt157

[rodeodeparis]

uh more tachioda thoughts. sort of an addition to my last one. these ones are much shorter but theres some spoilers or other in there so ill use a read more 

another thing i really like about the tachibana-oda story is that they barely talk to each other when we see them. the most tachibana says to him are some orders, or some references to what they’d been through together. a good portion of what we find out about their relationship otherwise is through other people and or their own anecdotes and reactions, and eventually pretty much the whole thing when oda’s dying, finalized when he says “tell him that i truly loved him”. a lot of people joke about this like “haha tachibana doesnt care about him now that kiryu’s there” or something like that but tbh i have trouble getting where that comes from? since it works so well with what i said in my last post about the “story behind the story” that i won’t repeat for brevity. i don’t really think the not talking “represents” anything or anything like that, i just think it’s a neat narrative device & way to use video game character pov to write a story. 

that part of the game is in kiryus pov, so it’d make sense not to see them talk much. but we see other people talk to each other a good amount in yakuza in general. in 0 we see makoto and weihan talk, sagawa and shimano talk, we see scenes of the lieutenants talking, etc. in those cases they talk to each other to establish that they have a connection, and what kind. in tachibana & oda’s case we already know that they have a close connection of some sort before we even see them in a room together, so that much isn’t a mystery to us as much as, “why?” or “how far does it go?” which we eventually find out. (also talked abt in that last post) if we were privy to any conversation about that as kiryu it just wouldn’t make sense to hear as him, that’s between them. stuff that would make sense to hear would just be repetition or giving too much away too soon.

also ill say i dont think the writing for them was like, amazing or anything, yakuza’s writing even w/ the best stories can be a bit clunky at times. (see: most female characters) how i think it could be better handled may be another post...but i will give them credit for that one thing whether or not it was an accident...i’m not sure whether or not this was done on purpose or not but i’ll just call death of the author on that one and bask in the joy of interpretation :)

#afraid to use my blogs rgg tag on this one bc i dont want normal ass rgg fans seeing this #thoughts #im fine with people on the 'thoughts' tag on tumblr seeing this because chances are they have no idea what im talking about

[mspaintp7ague]

quite thankful i dont have a lot of dysphoria cause my mom thinks hrt will give me heart problems or some shite 😐 like bitch please you do realize cis men just have that much t and don't go around dropping dead right

my doctor is chill on the whole thing she's just bein weird. there's a trans health center pretty close to us but nooo she doesn't want to go there and check out the actual medical resources and opinions on the matter. oh and she's also antivax but just for the covid vaccine. yes i am still not vaxxed for covid fml

tldr. im gonna be Busy after i turn 18

fr tho she really is just being stupid. i don't ever want children so idgaf about losing my fertility. idgaf if it would actually kill me tbh the world is going to shit anyway and i doubt i'm gonna amount to anything. thing is literally no one thinks hrt kills you. she needs to get off chinese 4chan fr

she lets me do what i want for the most part but is annoyingly stupid about certain things. yeah i don't like the government either but the vaccine that millions of people have taken is not going to give me cancer in ten years. she fr thinks people will start dropping dead eventually and "we just need to wait to see the long term effects" the mrna is reabsorbed in like. three weeks. how do you have this little critical thinking / trust in science

and she thinks men and women genuinely have biological differences to the point that gendered razors are actually important and you need a dick to wear boxers. fuck off mom let me buy some swim trunks. the razors i could care less about tbh cause she pays for them but still

ughh. kinda glad i'll probably commute to college cause rooming with someone would probably get awkward in several ways.

she also doesn't seem to believe in mental illness. which. while im self diagnosing and mostly guessing at what's wrong with me i am about 100% certain i have trichotillomania (hair pulling compulsion) because. yknow i fucking do that and have a giant bald patch on my head. and she will just be like "why don't you just stop?" and "use some self control" etc. recently i've decided to just stop showing her my hair (i wear a hat a lot) because it really just makes me feel worse and it's not her fucking business. she keeps asking anyway but i'm just gonna keep telling her no until it grows back. she literally can't do anything to help and only makes me feel worse about it

another thing i'm less sure about is the possible cyclothymia / mild bipolar i may have. i mentioned it to her and she thinks it's just mood swings, which, it might be, but this has been happening for a long time. so much in fact that i've projected it onto my ocs. plague as a character started off as a 'normal' mask of myself but gb (who was based off my irl appearance but. whiter) had two characterizations that i swapped between inconsistently. can u guess what they were. yeah. depressed/apathetic and extremely manic, deranged even. looking back i see the patterns of depression and extreme interest in media/characters/other stuff i've had. even if i would hide it irl i'd have weeks where i stayed up until 3 or 4 multiple days in a row just because i couldn't stop playing a game or reading or i just had this amazing idea and i have to write/draw it right now or i will explode. sleep is for the weak. etc. and then i'll have weeks where i can't look any of my teachers in the eye and am too tired of caring to shower or do laundry or anything beyond the bare minimum chores and wake up in the morning skip breakfast and walk to the bus stop contemplating if it's worth it to still be alive. at least when i'm excited i'll do essential stuff just so i can get back to the fixation again. it's so fucking stupid. "yeah sorry i havent worked on my essay in six weeks because i was too busy doing random shit and/or thinking about dying but was too pussy to actually do anything sorry"

that and the anxiety spirals. those were pretty bad for a while. like. someone told me they wanted to play games with me and i said yes. then they didn't reply for forty minutes and i just. kept thinking i did something wrong or misunderstood their message or otherwise fucked up but turns out they just forgot they messaged me. haha. yeah totally normal reaction there plague.

i can't tell if there's something seriously wrong with me or not but i don't want to tell my therapist about it because i don't want to get institutionalized or something. and my mom is anti medication too. yippee. maybe it's too much to hope some drug will make me stop having days where i can't fucking do anything for literally no reason but i don't know how to fix myself otherwise.

oh and i mentioned to my mom very vaguely a time where i overshared some suicidal thoughts and proceeded to spiral for like 5 hours straight over getting no response and ultimately dipped from a friend group for a while and now she wants to know the details. i literally told you i didn't even tell my therapist the whole story what gives you the right to know? huh?

i don't know if i'm normal. i feel like i'm not but i might just be overreacting and being edgy. i also have definitely have experienced impostor syndrome about several things in the past so i clearly can't trust my own judgement on either thing.

i also don't think i love my family. they don't really matter that much to me anymore. i think i felt something for them when i was younger but it's just not there anymore. my mom simply does not understand a lot of things and i think i see her on the same level as a friend, maybe. we talk and spend time civilly but there is nothing deeper there on my end. i've tried explaining it to her but i don't think she gets it. i really feel nothing more for her than for my school friends.

my siblings i've never been very close to anyway. i don't feel like i can talk to either of them about much anymore. with brother i can sometimes but i only reference certain stuff through jokes. yeah look at this funny stan blog i made for this vtuber that i've been thinking about nonstop for the last two weeks because i can't tell the difference between a crush, admiration, gender envy and aesthetic appreciation of his avatar. i'm so silly and not mentally ill at all.

there's no one who's an appropriate audience for this huh. ok. mental illness blog it is

[motleycrueobsessed]

Cc! Wilbur with a sick reader headcanons

First write, but as promised. It came a bit early since I’m cracked out on monster energy. Got into a car accident today, the fanfiction writers curse is real 😭

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-Would literally treat you like a dying child. He would be SUPER dramatic about it until you got better.

-He would stop streaming until you got better

“You’re sick, how could i stream when my darlings sick?”

- He would turn your bed into like a little nest.

-Despite really not wanting to get sick, he would cuddle you and keep you warm until you felt better.

- Buys you your favorite snacks, drinks, and if its real bad, maybe that book you’ve been eyeing up or a teddy.

- Personal space while your sick? Dont know her.

- He loves you, and cares about your well being.

-Henceforth making him a clingy little shit until you get better.

- He would make you hot tea and soup.

“You are NOT staying up tonight darling, you need rest!”

- Puts on your favorite show or movie

(Especially if its a musical.)

- This man is just a big teddy bear when it comes to you, ESPECIALLY now since your sick.

“I don’t care you don’t wanna. You’re going to the doctor, sweetheart.”

- Can’t sleep? He’ll read you a book you like until you eventually sleep.

- Hamilton, Heathers, etc. Something is ALWAYS on.

- Heaven forbid you have a bad sickness.

- If that’s the case..

- You’d be lucky to get 10 minutes when he isn’t clinging to you those days.

- The only time he wouldn’t be, is when he’s out at the store, one of you is in the washroom, or he’s cooking.

-You are going NOWHERE.

- Need to clean the house? He’s on it.

- Feed the cat? Already done.

- Some sorta assignment due coming up?

- “gently” calls your professor and explains you need and extension.

- Or he would do the assignment for you, or just help.

- King of reassuring words.

“You’ll be okay darling, you always are, my love.”

- even if its just a cold.

- He’s not getting off of you.

- He would cancel band practice until you feel better.

- And if you’re in a band too, you’re not going to that either.

- Your job?

“Your boss can suck my-“

“Wilbur!”

- He would try to make you laugh, as much as he could.

- He knows it sucks being sick, so he tries to make it as good for you as he can.

- He loves you. And he’s not afraid to tell you that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ill write again tomorrow!!

Pleasseee send me asks!! Ill get to them as soon as i can!!

Ily. Drink water and take care of yourself <333

[mejomonster]

Huai Dao chapter 8: Sheng Yao (detail oriented flirt) likes Su Junzi (happily married family man)

Oh. Oh man

Ohhhh. Okay look so 1 theyre side characters, Im almost sure Shen Yexi and Jiang Hu are the main pairing of the novel.

2 Sheng Yao and Su Junzi are absolutely characters with traits that priest was like: oh yeah i gotta try these out again with more characters. And those would include Fei Du and Luo Wenzhou. So like. If youve read modu, you know Fei Du likes Tao Ran, and Luo Wenzhou likes Tao Ran. But Tao Ran is *presumed straight (he is Rejecting them both is the point). So Luo Wenzhou IS single. So when Fei Du hits on Tao Ran, its Kind Of shitty to hit on Luo Wenzhous crush, but also neither of them are getting their advances accepted, so theyre really just both losers mutually looking pathetic about their crush not liking them. So when Fei Du switches to hit on Luo Wenzhou, well. Luo Wenzhou IS single. There is no actual 3rd party to cheat on or hurt or betray. The only obstacles to them dating are their self imposed personal reasons (Fei Du not wanting to actually date someone he loves in fear he will hurt them, Fei Du knowing hes lying to Luo Wenzhou, Luo Wenzhou being so protective and semi-guardian over Fei Du for so long that hes like a kid to him, Luo Wenzhou intensely aware of the myriad of power inequalities from both sides, Luo Wenzhou aware Fei Du for some reason Doesnt wanna Actually be committed and is lying - at least at first). But uh. Su Junzi is married married.

Oh priest how are u gonna hurt me. Is this gonna be a Tao Ran situation where Su Junzi is straight and sweet and just an unobtainable crush Sheng Yao silently harbors until he meets someone else? Which is the path Fei Du took with crushing on Tao Ran. Is Su Junzi bi and going to lose his wife tragically (super emotionally fucked up if so ill cry), and Sheng Yao helps with his kid and they end up together eventually? (I sincerely doubt it but) are we getting a polyamorous 3 people situation - that would be the least Hurt My Heart answer. And if Sheng Yao moves on from this crush, Su Junzi just being a catalyst making him realize he does want to settle down with someone... who on Earth is he going to date??? Because Sheng Yao really built Su Junzi up in his head as HIS partner, his companion, his Close Friend he always cares about. And even on a platonic level, it is HARD to find a new romance partner who grows into someone u love as much as a long term best friend (which is maybe why when people do, they stay in long term relationships with Those crushes that become best friends to them too). Like. Its going to be hard for a new person to worm into Sheng Yaos heart at the degree a close friend like Su Junzi already is.

Oh and Jiang Hu? Im not sure yet how i feel about him and Shen Yexi. Im still somehow hoping for a Hannibal level fucked up dynamic. But Jiang Hus not really giving Liar or Dangerous, so much as foreigner with his own peculiar habits (and spacey) and with a personality that just doesnt Totally mesh with a police (which means hes pretty normal for a guy youd run into in a university). And Shen Yexi, unless he flips WILDY which i guess is possible like Fei Dus lie reveal, well he is just fairly earnest? He seems to be a good employee, a priest lead who Isnt a flirt (actually fun and shocking to me he And Jiang Hu arent flirts since the other mystery priest novels ive read at least one lead is), seems to care to help people but not glorify it or expect impossibly perfect results from himself (which is what Luo Wenzhou absolutely does - hold himself to superhero expectations then constantly self hate that hes incapable of meeting them). Shen Yexi is fairly well adjusted, balanced, a good calm decisive leader... hes got a bit of a workaholic streak but it only is affecting him, hes not expecting it of his team too. Hes so what he appears, i just dont think hes gonna turn out to be an undercover criminal or villain type. So much as id love a Hannibal esque dynamic... i dont think its happening.

Anyway i love Sheng Yao this poor man fucked up. Fell in love with an unavailable married man.

#huai dao #lb #sheng yao crushing on a married man is like when in Modu priest has Tao Ran break up with the gf who loves him #its not happy. it IS realistic. and it hurts my heart. and its just There becausr its in character for them.

[artisticmenace]

talking abt my characterrss!! read if you want im just letting it out. might be interesting yknow. if anyone really cares too much. spoilers for the comic im going to make if anyone was really wsnting to read that. probably not but just in case yk

Starting off with my two boys from Those Days(and other characters)

Scott: so he was supposed to look like this one guy i kept seeing on pinterest and also jareth the goblin king a little bit but because of the time its set in(and also the fact that his dad is initially thought to be a homophobe) he cant be as flashy. he ended up looking more like inigo montoya.... but i kept his purple crystal earing as a token of his gay witchy king design history. he himself is meant to act a little homophobic despite coming out as a bisexual late into the plot so his design fits. he does wear makeup though. smudgy eye makup done in dark eyeshadow in fact. after the gay subplot and main plot come to a collision he'll get witchier. post high-school i think he and rodney will end up getting fashionable. hes also meant to be a touch self centered. he idolizes his dad to the point he feels he cant be "soft" at all. his dad doesnt care though. he keeps this tough guy routine to the point of not being emotionally mature enough to comfort people that well. scotts fighting habits will kick him in the ass. design wise i need to change his style of clothing a little bit because i think i want this to take place in the 80s.

Rodney: rodney is based on this one guy i had a dream about, and probably all the fanart I've seen of martin from tma. he was originally going to have the same haircut as scott and be thinner, but neither of those design choices were fun, and i wanted to make a short chubby nervous guy instead. his internalized homophobic crime is "my mom is a dyke but because people think that will make me gay i cant possibly be gay because i want to be not like my mom because her gfs are all terrible and" well he might trauma dump a little after that. rodney never met his dad but because of that he had to endure lots of terrible 'stepmoms'(his mom never married them) and they would steal from her and he would get blamed and boom bam child abuse. a lot of people say he turned out better than expected, and he really hates thinking of what he could've done. despite being a great baseball player, he is relentlessly bullied for having a lesbian mom. no one knows exactly who found this out or how. he is equally as much muscle as he is fat, and he's quite strong. unfortunately, he'd rather take the hit than fight back for fear of punishment, not so much from the school but from his mom. scott eventually finds out about Rodney's constant mistreatment, and that's when he decides to let rodney stay with him a while(around their second year of knowing each other). Mr. Haverford just accepts that rodney lives there now as hes super respectful and doesnt say much.

Lucy Campbell: her design should really tell the reader where they are because shes 80s as hell. shes scotts ex. shes kind of a dumb person in general but she knows how to influence people. i dont know how or if ill ever introduce her but she does tattoos and piercings at her house which is by a convenience store named "Myrtle's". Scott goes there sometimes. he doesnt like her anymore and she doesnt like men anymore so they just sit around and smoke. sometimes they drink and talk about life.

Susie Marshall: shes a nice person. she tutors lots of kids including Scott. scott and rodney stop going to her house after scotts dad says susies dad is a really good aim and might shoot them even if they're just there to talk about school. shes pressured into a very isolated and tidy lifestyle by her parents and doesnt really enjoy living.

#artisticmenace #themenaceuseswords #those days #those days comic #rodney fletcher #scott haverford

[calsgotdepression]

7/30/22

im a month out from surgery and im feeling a lot better but still feel hopeless. i love my family and my friends and i know they reciprocate but i have nothing i feel to really give them. i either feel too much or too little and never in the right times. im happier than ive ever been but without a goal to work towards now, i feel aimless. im going to college with tuition paid for but i dont want to go, and there’s nothing i want to do when im older. i never thought id live this long. the talents i do have are fairly meaningless and though i dont actively feel suicidal i cant help but feel my impending doom in the future. right now im fine. ill wake up tomorrow and go about my day and maybe even feel happy and pet my cat but i know eventually im going to be the one to take myself out. ive always felt this way. i wish i didnt feel so sad and so empty and so full all at once. i want to enjoy things but i want to stop eating. i want to adopt several cats but i dont want to take care of myself. im on meds, im doing fine, but jesus im sick of being tired all the time. i want to exercise but i cant take the step to get there. i want to brush my teeth but my sensory disorder makes me gag the second the paste touches my mouth. im tired of not being able to eat with my family or friends or around anyone or listen to any mouth noises at all without feeling so miserable and angry and would rather hurt myself no matter the consequence just to feel something other than the feeling i get when i hear those noises. i feel like i wasnt meant to live in this world. im here now but i feel out of place. i feel like i cant walk right anymore, one of my legs gives out a bit. im not ugly but im not attractive, i feel lovable and equally that i dont deserve to be loved and ill never find that love. i want a relationship but i dont. im terrified to walk alone on the sidewalk or even in a grocery store or anywhere. even with people i cant stand up straight and i feel everyones stares at me even if they dont. or maybe they do, i dont know. im not delusional anymore but there was something comforting about having a magical quality to life. the cons were many and i dont want to be like that again, but the delusions of grandieur made me feel like i was okay to exist in this world. like i could control the weather or had friends of higher powers than me and i felt special and important. now im just some guy and i wish i had never read those fucking fantasy books when i was younger because now im a disappointed adult who craves anything interesting. i dont actively do anything to put myself in harms way but i like it when im hurt, especially when you can see it as other people start to care then. even with people who care now with no questions asked i feel the need to show every scar and cut and bandage everything because ive got nothing else thats interesting about me. i like cats. i wasnt meant to live this long. i dont think ill ever find love in anyone romantically. i dont know if itd be better if i was dead or not but i know that the future holds me with a noose tied around my neck and it gets tighter every day. one day its going to choke me out of all my life and i know that. i dont know, im not omnipotent or omniscient whatever it is. i wish i believed in a god so that i felt comfort in dying knowing that id get to see the people i love and have loved again. i hope there is. i cry because people make art and care about each other and love each other and i want to hug every single person in the world but i cant. i cant even like myself.