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#but i just can't warm up to it
inkskinned · 9 months
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you're in the habit of denying yourself things.
if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.
but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?
what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.
and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.
you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.
so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.
it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.
sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.
oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.
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morningnoodles · 6 days
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redraw of one of my first doodles of Thorin being absolutely smitten at first sight
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destinywillowleaf · 5 months
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one of a kind living in a world gone plastic
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baby you're so classic
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@most-tragic-character-tournament
(all my thoughts in the tags)
#anyway i found their theme song and lost my mind#tragedyshipping#lloyd garmadon#ninjago#antigone#tagamemnon#pollshipping#i'm gonna be thinking about this for the next hour before i go to sleep#i just wanted to make a playlist for them i didn't think i would find a perfect fit#they have taken over many of my braincells and i can't even complain this is the enrichment i needed#all i'm saying is the idea of a movie trailer for these two is taking shape more and more and this should 100% be the accompanying song#not even a full trailer because that would take forever but like. a 30 second TV spot. family drama. them not really getting along at first#(e.g. glaring at each other while being forced to dance or something)#but then warming up to each other on the road because road trips have my soul when it comes to movies ok#i want them to stargaze in the bed of a hotwired pickup truck while on the run from people who demand bloodshed (a poll winner)#the slow(?) burn of not wanting to be in this mess to actually enjoying spending time together to something more#(trailer/commercial ends on or just after “baby you're so classic” with the cut to the title and in theaters date)#maybe most of the tv spot is them arguing and making life hell for one another but it's hard to deny there's something more brewing#(one of the reviews is just ''A modern classic'' because i think i'm funny)#i really want the title to be a play off of them meeting through the tragic tournament but it's completely different from the tone i want#''tragedy: null and void'' is a fun one#i've never been the greatest at titles if they don't hit me like a truck#anyway hi folks i'm sorry if you have no idea what's happening and see this in your tags
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balkanradfem · 4 days
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I went swimming in the cold river today and it was the best experience I had all year. It's all I can think about now. I want to go back inside the river. The river is my home. I belong in there. Cold water lights the life inside of me. I am going back in there.
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meownotgood · 6 months
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happy one year since chainsaw man, I miss you so much... <3
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ik ppl hate fictional deadbeat moms but im an avid enjoyer. my feminism knows no bounds truly/j
like i get it she did a bad job. but shit she still did a job that's for sure!! like. she did it do you understand. 14 year old girl is pregnant. it's disgraceful. a shameful stain on her family. yusuke doesn't seem to have grandparents or anything so besides yusuke's bio dad she's got no one. and then when yusuke is a toddler the father disappears and considering who he is and what he's like that's probably for the best. gonna go out a limb and say that yusuke was maybe 4 or 5 when his dad cleared out so. at 18 and entirely alone. atsuko looked down at this little thing. this baby because he's still a baby to her this is a baby who only has her. Not even 4 feet tall with the biggest brown eyes looking to her for everything because he quite literally has no one else.
he doesn't know she's a failure yet. he doesn't know people will look down on them just because he exists as he is. he doesn't know how hard this is going to be from now on. all he knows is he loves his momma
so she doesn't cry. she just meets his big innocent eyes and goes "it's just you and me kid" and yusuke doesn't know that that's a sad thing.
so she takes care of him the best she can and it still sucks but yusuke doesn't know what the standard she should be held to is yet. for a small time she is the greatest and best person in his world and he's the only one who thinks so
then he meets keiko and her parents and finds out that his normal is actually dysfunctional and that his mom actually isn't all that great. that living day to day in the bottom of a bottle isn't healthy. so she's no longer praiseworthy but this person he's responsible for. just like that the roles reverse. because while she was all yusuke had yusuke is also all atsuko has. he doesn't respect her but he still punched the motherfucker in the mouth that called her a tramp. she taught him how to do it.
atsuko comes to terms with the fact that Yusuke doesn't really need her anymore, probably never did so she doesn't bother to care when he skips school or beats whoever he wants to a pulp or gambles because at 14 she was expecting so what the fuck can she really say about him. he sneers at her as he makes her coffee. atsuko lights another cigarette
it feels like betrayal when her son dies. at 14 she had him so how can he die at a sorry age like that. i wasted my teenage years on you for what? so you can die and leave me here? you fucking brat. how can she recover from this? yusuke was all she had. he hadn't looked up at her with an admiring gaze since he was 7 and stopped hugging her goodbye soon after but still he was hers he was hers and then he was gone
but then he comes back. and she doesn't get much better as a mom or as a person really. she tries harder than before maybe (keeping him in school) but yusuke never expected her to. he's made up of her bad habits and uncaring attitude but he's so much better than her. became something good something strong despite how shitty of a job she did raising him.
she's not proud because she has no right to be but something like it tugs in her chest when she sees him feeding the people he cares about at his little ramen cart looking as happy as the first time she'd taken him out to park.
yusuke's dad suggests taking another crack at the whole family thing and she wants to laugh in his face. the only family she'll ever have is that little boy who's stronger and braver than she'll ever be.
she doesn't want to see him laying cold in a casket ever again. he's meant for life, a soul as bright and durable as his. atsuko hopes he lives to see the sun explode
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chiptrillino · 1 year
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Deep deep deeeeeeep down, buried under layers of "DONE" and existential crisis, I'm sure our lieutenant cares about the teen toddler. I mean tyrant. I mean---
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[ID: digital sketch of zuko and jee form avatar the last Airbender. jee is lying on his bed, frowning up at a small child version of zuko that sits on his chest and holds a wet sock in jee's face.End ID.]
I know it's not… something anyone of us expected…
but I want you two anons to know that you set in my head, thoughts and ideas in motion, and now Zuko's a bit too big sock is wet and lt. jee has to fix it because uncle is sleeping!
and… jee never expected to have kids… but here we are…
sorry jee… (at least you have the bunk bed with the porthole!)
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hoofpeet · 1 year
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Also Oof Sugar putting an egg in the freezer, I can see Spice kind of reacting badly to it tbh? Cause like generational trauma of all their pups freezing dying becoming ghost so I can see him being a bit, idk very uncomfortable but not knowing why just snapping snarling that this SHOULDN'T have happened! IT SHOULDN'T! NOT HERE NOT NOW! THEY'RE MEANT TO BE SAFE HERE?! MEANT TO BE WARM!! THEY'RE MEANT TO LIVE FOR FUCK SAKE
And just kind of having a moment because it's probably to some degree traumatic cause oh god not again not again please, especially as he has had pups that he's lost eg pumpkin, they're not meant to die here....theyre meant to be okay...
Sorry lots of feelings
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THE
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seaweedraindraws · 28 days
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Sir Pentious Week Day 5: Break / Resting I found it very interesting that his pjs were almost exactly like his Heaven outfit
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inkskinned · 3 months
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you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.
(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)
but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.
(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)
there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.
(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)
you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.
(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)
you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.
in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.
but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.
they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.
it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.
#spilled ink#warm up#can you tell what i'm mad about today specifically#i will say that there are a LOT of things that go into this. like a lot. this is ungendered and unspecific for a reason#it isn't just sexism. it's also racism. and ableism. and honestly classism.#and before a healthcare professional reads this as a personal attack: i understand ur burnt out#we are ALSO burnt out. your situation is also dire. this is not an attack on you.#this is a commentary on the incredible amounts of bigotry that lie at the heart of capitalism#where people have to pay money out of pocket to be told to fuck off.#your job is important. so is our humanity. and if you cannot accept that people are fucking mad as hell#at the industry - you are probably not listening .#anyway at some point im gonna write a piece about sexism specifically in medical shit#but i don't want terfs clowning in it bc they can't understand nuance#> it is true that ppl w/a uterus are more likely to experience medical malpractice & dismissal globally#> it is also true that trans people experience an equally fucked up and bad time in the medical field#> great news! the medical industrial complex is an equal opportunity life ruiner :)#(if you find it necessary to go into a debate about biology while discussing medical malpractice#i want to warn you that you're misunderstanding the issue. because guess what.#cis MEN might experience this. particularly black men. particularly disabled men.#so YES having a uterus can lead to more trouble for you. but this happens a LOT.#instead of fighting those ALSO experiencing your pain.... try working WITH them.#which btw. is like. actual feminism.)
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yuri-is-online · 5 months
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Jade would be VERY pleased about finally having another club member. I would be happy to listen to him info dump while we look at mushrooms and neat nature stuff.
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I let this sit in my ask box for too long but I've had this idea kicking around in my head for a while and then harveston had to go and drop that one line validating my delusions and you've given me an excuse to post it ha
notes: they/them used for Yuu, violence against animals (a bear), swearing at animals (the same bear), Yuu is unnaturally strong (enough to fight a bear), Yuu is implied to have grown up in a forest/woodsy environment, Jade typical blackmail. Other more serious fic can be found on my masterlist here.
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Once upon a time, back when you first arrived in this world, you had been unsure how to feel about NRC. Castles existed back home, sure, but ones like this belonged firmly in illustrations or video games; it felt a but nauseating to walk through your wildest dreams brought to life, even if it was exciting sometimes. It was little wonder to you then that the idea of a Mountain Lover's Club was so appealing.
"Did you hike a lot back home?" Trey has that strange smile on his face that suggests you have made him tense somehow.
"Yes. I practically grew up in the woods." The flow of wind through the branches, the smell of fresh rain on the decomposing earth below, all of it wrapped you in a familiar sense of serenity even if the tree line was completely foreign to you. What are men to rocks and mountains after all? You could make yourself right at home here-
"I still don't think you should join." Trey says with all the air of a man who is certainly not telling you something, but the surprising harsh nod of agreement Riddle gives before injecting himself into the conversation convinces you more than whatever Trey had in mind likely could.
"I'm not entirely certain what they do," Riddle has never forbid you from participating in things since you and his dorm-mates brought him back to his senses," but if you want to hike it might be safer if you did it by yourself, assuming you let one of us know when you are going and when you expect to be back. It wouldn't do to have something that brings you so much joy used against you prefect, none of us want that." But he has always expressed concern when he thinks things to be unsafe, and in this case his argument was something you found yourself agreeing with. Hiking is best done at your own pace anyway, why get a club full of self-centered assholes involved in your me time? Though you did wish now they had been a bit more... specific with their concerns. Maybe outlined some of the club's scheduling, but then they would have needed to ask him and in so doing betrayed your interest.
Which would have been much less embarrassing than how Jade actually found out. Because of course he did, was there ever any doubt he would? ~~~~ There is a creek not far up the mountain path behind your dorm you like to rest at when coming back from your adventures. It's a good place to check over the photos on your camera and enjoy the last few rays of sunlight before returning to whatever mess Grim had made in Ramshackle searching for where you had moved all the tuna cans. Sometimes he joined you, and the two of you would have a little picnic up the path a bit further, but that day had not been one of those days. Nor had the day you met this particular nemesis who is staring you down from just across the creek with such a judgmental glance you would think this was a Sunday brunch and not an afternoon meander through the forest.
"The fuck do you want bitch?" You snarl and the bear indignantly sniffs as if to imply she's better than you. "Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize it was my fault your face is so fucking crooked, thought you were just born that way." She huffs again, making a big show of turning her back on you as you rush to get your equipment off and tucked safely out of reach before the skankiest grizzly you've ever met whips around and charges you shrieking something about "how dare you steal her man!!!!" and blah blah blah "I'll show you, you good for nothing hussy!!!!" as if you could actually understand her and this wasn't a three act play you insisted on writing yourself. You weren't even sure this bear was a girl if you stopped to think about it in between punches, not that you really cared. She huffs and makes a valiant attempt to pin you as you snarl and flash your teeth and beat her right back into the creek laughing at what sounds like pathetic winging about "kids these days!!!" and how rude you are for-
A startled noise pauses your match, as you both turn, harsh glares towards a break in the thicket where a very out of place, very surprised looking man stands, hand infuriatingly poised casually at his chin. His infuriating smirk doesn't unfurl until you growl, deep and low reverberating through your opponent just enough that she decides to leave for the day while you are preoccupied.
"Oya, this is a surprise." Jade doesn't move and you stay firm in the creek, body shaking with unspent adrenaline as he decides to move just a bit closer. "If you were that desperate for a sparring partner, I'm sure Floyd would have obliged, animal abuse is not exactly legal you know?"
"What the fuck are you doing here." You spit before you exit the creek, a flash of something darting through Jade's eyes as his gaze darts between you and your pack on the ground.
"Me? I should be asking that of you. The Mountain Lover's Club had to go through quite an ordeal to get permission to leave the school grounds unsupervised..." His teeth begin to show as you crash down from your high, you hadn't actually thought of whether or not you would need to talk to someone other than a friend about where you were going... surely Riddle would have mentioned something if you did? Or did he not think to ask since he wasn't the adventurous sort? "I can't imagine how the Headmage would react to know his ward had been sneaking out to terrorize the local wildlife."
"Hey Brenda started it!" You snap and Jade looks briefly towards the treeline where a very indignant bear is pursing her lips and inspecting her claws, the very picture of innocence if he does say so himself. "She stole my sandwich while I was taking pictures of the sunset!"
"Maybe you should have had someone there to hold it for you." He laughs, finally moving from his spot towards you and your pack, eyes gleaming with familiarity as he looks over your things. "Perhaps, someone who would be willing to... forget about what he just saw if they accompanied him next time?" It's a threat using what gives you joy against you certainly, and you huff indignantly at it but don't deny his request. Jade is an eel of his word, and his joy at doubling the Mountain Lover's Club membership cannot be contained as he ushers you the rest of the way down the mountain, eager to plan your first expedition together.
Not that he intends to ever delete the pictures he took. Your angry face is just too cute.
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The phrase "he woke up in a nest of blankets" came to me last night and I'm still obsessed with it
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katierosefun · 10 months
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okay so now that i’ve officially finished watching leverage i just want to say that maybe i’m obsessed with this show on multiple levels and something about how it hits so many itches in that it’s about found family and it’s about fucking over bad, rich guys (no billionaire bootlicking in this show! and i fucking love it) and it’s also about how sometimes the bad guys are the only good guys you get and it’s also about how we are all stronger together it’s about how at the start of this show, we have all of these characters who are largely used to working alone and being alone and yet the show concludes that ultimately, we are better when we are together and by being together, we might be able to leave something behind that is bigger and brighter for the next people in our generation and no man is an island and no person is meant to beat goliath on their own or whatever
#caroline talks#leverage#not to be like. emotional but.#i am emotional actually!#i'm just. i get emotional thinking about all of the characters#and just how complex they are#nate with his alcoholism and his rage against the world and how he's arrogant and angry and sad and yet i think he cares so much#he cares so much about his team even if he can be a bit of an ass#sophie who adopts a million personas at the blink of an eye and yet has her own loneliness about who actually knows her#parker who keeps herself closed off bc y'know trauma in the foster care system and yet she learns to express herself and trust people#eliot who resigns himself into thinking that he's a monster and yet he starts to do some good and just. winds up protecting everyone in his#new family which. MAN i can't express enough how much that storyline means to me too#like when is a monster not a monster? / oh when you love it or whatever#and then there's hardison who's so incredibly bright and warm and can talk his way out of most situations#and then he hits a wall when all that brightness and wit and intelligence still might not get him out of a scary situation#and that's. that's when he needs people too. that's when he needs his team#and like. there are so many important points in this show#but like one of the ones i like to think about.#is just like. that you could be incredibly good at whatever it is you do#but you need people. you need a team. you need to trust others and together you can do amazing things#individually they're great#but together they're unstoppable and i think about that a lot#no man is an island and it takes a village or whatever!#also unrelated but i also find it a little funny (i'm sorry) that i finished leverage literally the night the implosion news came out
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omaano · 1 year
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“Hello then, to an Upright cousin.” The child (...) grabs his jacket boldly, pointing back to the door through which Mird brought it. “Is what you seek through there?” “Eh,” it grunts in frustration, waving even more vigorously through the door.
Mereel & Family Booksellers chapter 2 by @sidhebeingbrand  and @toughbreaks
Just a cleaned up sketch WIP for now, because I don't deal too well with green stuff, and this one would require quite a bit - but I'd been itching to take a crack at this scene for a while now, so here I am! I'm willing to trade this drawing (made for the "fantasy" square of my @bobadinweek AU bingo card, because fae children count there, right?) for the other one made for this very same story on the technicality that Jaster actually very much lives in this one. Technically speaking. I tried my best!
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I can't do much productively during the heat wave/health issue flare up/etc. like work on my games or anything where I have to sit at the computer/type for long periods of time, BUT.. I did passively sculpt a few tiny foods lol. I wanted to do one of my bigger usual sculptures, but those take so much more time and concentration, I thought something small just to keep my hands busy would be better.. close up photos look kind of weird and blurry from my camera settings or something, but overall they came out okay, especially in person.. Nearly the only reason I ever wanted to buy dolls as a kid was to get my hands on the miniature foods and plates and stuff that came with them, I've always just been obsessed with small versions of things like that, so.. why not make some! lol
#sculpture#ooops.. i could have posted this on the art blog but I forgor and do not feel like reuploading everything#into a new drafted post on a whole other blog.. not in this heat.. i have no patience lol#items are: tomato. asparagus. a four leaf clover (not food lol). some sort of folded bun or dumpling with meat inside (not based on#anything specific. I just wanted to fold a flat sheet of clay into a shape). pomegranate. cheese wheel. lemon slice. some sort of mushroom.#fish (not a real one. just made up. if it looks like any specific fish that'd be interesting). and fig.#I haven't been able to get many avocaodo pits to carve again. so sculpting. then is good for a tiny craft#WISH I COULD DO COSTUMES OR SOMETHING.. i have some pikced out. bundles of clothes laying on the floor of the closet#but GODS even before the heat wave it's just been so warm.. I know.. it's the summer. of course it's warm#but WHYYYyy............. what if it just snowed all year around and was awesome and beautiful and i was so cold and could wear 25 blankets#at all times.. what about THAT hmm?? .. the ideal..#anyway.. my favorite is the pomegranate and the mushroom maybe#The fig is hard because in the pictures of figs I googled a lot of them have that sort of white powdery type of thing on the outside#that grapes and plums and stuff have sometimes and it's hard to convey that weird like.. sheen.. plus the purple with almost powdery blue#and little lighter specks plus streaks of light green and a little orangey on some of them.#It's okay in person I think but this doesnt show up as much in pictures. The cheese also looks betterin person than images. you can't tell#the slight shine in the pictures lol. but the pomegranates look cool and also photograph decent.. hmm#I should have made toast with an egg on it or something. that would be a nice addition#OH ALSO ASPARAGUS MY BELOVED.. though they look a little wonky. the cuticle pusher tool that I sculpt with in leiu of any actual sculpting#tools has a kind of triangle edge that was suite for the little leaf details of the asparagus so that was cool. its like..ALMOST right lol
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creativesplat · 2 years
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Dreams
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