#but i know allos seem to find it upsetting :(

[jabbage]

You're right, being allo is exhausting. And sometimes I think other allos lash out at ace and aro people because it feels so unfair that other people could be happy without a romantic partner and/or having sex. Because being single is honestly miserable and sometimes I find myself quietly resenting people who don't have an emptiness from that so I can imagine people who are less self aware and more willing to take their problems out on others turn that into aphobia instead of doing some soul searching to understand why they're upset.

I'm afraid I don't specifically know what this is in response to, which makes it a little difficult to know what you want from me. I've had this blog over a decade and I've never been good at tagging. I might have joked about allosexuality seeming exhausting - I think whenever you come across someone who structures a lot of their life around something which has no or little part in your life, it seems 'exhausting'

But here are my thoughts to what you've written.

I think that people who feel the way you describe fundamentally misunderstand what asexuality and aromanticism are.

They're not a magical inoculation against the effects of allo and amatonormativity.

Being ace or aro definitely does not mean that you innately feel happy and content without a romantic or sexual partner.

We live in a world which ties emotional vulnerability, sexual pleasure, financial stability, security in old age, social success and many, many other things to sexual and romantic connections. I can assure you that it can feel very, very empty and very very lonely to live in a world where everything from your education, the media you consume, the legal and social structures around you, are telling you that the bonds you have with others will never be as important as those which are romantic or sexual, and where a very common and frighteningly accepted response to your sexuality is that you have something deeply wrong or missing on a fundamental level. That is exhausting, and lonely, and scary.

For what it's worth I don't actually think my asexuality is the thing which makes me content with being single. I think it's just been the catalyst for figuring out a happy shape for my life which doesn't require a romantic relationship, because I HAD to.

Perhaps for you, you feel that emptiness, but you think perhaps one day you'll find a relationship which will solve it.

If I felt that way, I would potentially feel empty forever. I had to, very slowly, and with luck and privilege playing important roles, create a life for myself where I don't feel an empty space without a romantic or sexual partner. And I'm still scared, because it is scary when you're living in a way that society is not kind to, socially, financially, legally, etc. I'm happy now, perhaps I won't be one day. I don't know.

But I think everybody deserves to feel secure and loved and fearless and free and successful without requiring romance or sex in their lives - even if they do participate in those things, even if those things are very important to them, even if they want them very much.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, and I wish you lots of happiness in your future <3

#asexual #asexuality #aromantic #aspec

[gothfatherr]

about two months ago, I found out someone was romantically interested in me, and in that moment, I felt very uncomfortable because I knew he would create illusions and expectations, and that eventually, he would confess in a straightforward manner.

keeping that in mind, I had been thinking about it quite a lot, just knowing it would happen eventually. I thought about how to politely reject him, how to avoid hurting his feelings, how to be as soft and gentle as possible, etc. well, it happened. just at the beginning of this week.

we sat outside the institute, and he just started talking, saying, "I know it may seem random and very soon...." and I let him speak, I didn't make direct eye contact so as to not make it any worse for him because he was very, very nervous.

by the end, he asked me if I was interested in anyone or if I was open to the idea of dating, and this is where my jaw unintentionally clenched, because I asked myself "should I tell him I'm on the aromantic spectrum?" to which I quickly answered no.

why not tell him? well, it would've destroyed him. even if I am not interested in him romantically, I still care about his feelings, and I didn't want to make him upset. so, I told a half truth: "I'm not really interested in dating anyone at this time, I'm not up for that because I recently recovered from a heartbreak, it's been difficult and I honestly don't feel like jumping into that pool again". he said he understood, and we both agreed on remaining as friends.

what I said is true. I did experience heartbreak, maybe not in the way allo people do, because it wasn't romantic attraction, but it did affect me emotionally, and this pain came from someone who turned my whole world into something different. we "dated" briefly, and then we just...fell out. it didn't work because he was no longer interested and met someone whom he connected with romantically, which made me feel replaced and worthless in that moment. it hurt because it felt like I wasn't enough for the simple fact that I was aro and I couldn't give him what he wanted.

the other truth is that I don't feel like jumping into that pool again. I learned from that experience. I learned that I shouldn't try to force myself to feel romantic attraction for someone just because they feel that way for me, I learned to accept my aro identity completely and I was able to find happiness within myself. I learned that society is wrong for trying to impose that a person could only ever be truly happy with a partner.

so I felt incredibly relieved after this conversation. I may not have told him the entire truth, but I told him what was most important, and best part was that he left with a huge smile on his face, meaning he didn't get hurt.

#aro #aromantic #lgbt #queer #aromantic spectrum #aroace #arospec #aromanticism #aro positivity #aroallo #greyromantic #greyroace #grayromantic

[orbleglorb]

I would love to hear the aro essay if you want to write it actually

okay so i KNOW what post you're referencing but i cannot fucking find it. but it's about grollis and qais's qpp. btw you want to read the last best dream by waveridden so bad (although this deviates from that somewhat, it's what got me thinking about them)

the exact post was something along the lines of, "aro ppl can write aro characters in relationships but if an allo person wants to do that they need an essay explaining why." and i added tags along the lines of "i could write this essay about grollis and qais, even tho it's not really romantic." which is funny because i've realized now that i'm probably arospec. but anyway. then i got this ask and went "wow! i should do that" and then couldn't find the time and energy to dedicate to it. but today my body is forbidding me from doing anything that isn't laying in bed and thinking about blorbos so here we go.

grollis was formerly in a qpp with yusef fenestrate and a friend group (brokyo) with yusef, coolname galvanic, val hitherto, and gerund pantheocide. ze naturally grew apart from them, especially when they got shadowed in season 20, and fell into a weird in-between state where ze didn't definitively know where ze stood with anything or anyone. blaseball is going up in flames, hyr personal relationships are full of ambiguity, and it doesn't seem like anyone in the world has a clue what's going to happen next. grol has never handled not knowing things very well. ze's not really good at going with the flow, but ze has literally no other choice now.

qais dogwalker is the captain of the miami dale and, like, the party guy. im convinced they've never made a plan for anything. it's a good temperament to have with blaseball. after the death of their partner jenna, qais sort of lost interest in dating. they're arospec and feel romantic attraction very, very rarely. and, despite feeling aromantic attraction more frequently, they never really got over the whole watching-their-girlfriend-die-in-front-of-them thing. they're not afraid of being open or forming relationships, and have tons of friends and acquaintances, but in the back of their mind, becoming "a thing" with someone leads them into a disaster zone. one of them will die. it's happened with a ton of the big blaseball couples: allison and kichiro, tillman and declan, caligula lotus and beck whitney (that one they got to witness first hand, with cali dying the day after the dale got beck in the feedback). it seems like every other week, the tabloids are reporting on how so and so has died or been alternated or feedbacked to a different team and how it's affecting their relationship with their friend/partner/whatever. subconsciously (and somewhat consciously), qais has a superstition that once The Universe is aware that you have someone you really like, romantically or not, one of you is going to die. and, again, qais has a ton of close friends. but they're all, like, the same level of close. qais doesn't have a best friend. and it's not like they're particularly upset about any of this, but sometimes it hits them that it would be super cool to have a special someone(TM).

so grollis is in a state of trying very desperately to fight against the current, so to speak, when ze meets qais. well, ze has technically met qais plenty of times when they were playing games against each other. but back then, qais was like... a celebrity. and technically grollis is too, but ze doesn't think of it like that. the lift's fans don't even like grollis. qais seems to be universally liked. loved, even. qais talks to people easily, doesn't ever seem to get nervous, and is comfortable with being the center of attention or on the sidelines. qais has a smile that stretches ear to ear and laughs easily. qais loves being at big loud parties and acts like socializing is the easiest thing ever. grollis set foot on the party yacht once and left about ten minutes in, and that was one of the sensory friendly parties. grollis doesn't really hang out with the dale, mostly because ze doesn't care too much for a team centered on partying, but also because there's not many places to meet them that aren't a game or overstimulating. qais remembers grollis as a pitcher for the lift, and... that's pretty much it. they could recognize grollis, but they never spoke. until...

neither of them really remember why or how they started talking; they just kind of did. but, it was during season 21 party time (hosted by the seattle garages). grollis had just gotten out of the shadows and was feeling more disconnected from hyr friends than ever. qais, however, had a very uneventful* season and was pretty damn bored. qais noticed grollis's patchwork coat and came up to hyr to ask where they got it. grollis reponded by telling them ze made it, and they got into a conversation about making clothes, then fashion, then so on and so forth. eventually, one of them had to leave, and grollis had enough courage to ask for their phone number. they began hanging out fairly often, and grollis became well-known amongst the dale. conversely, grollis didn't really introduce qais to any of hyr teammates, and many of them didn't know much about qais, or that they were even friends until much later. but engine eberhardt, the one person grollis still felt somewhat close to, mostly because she refused to let them "sulk in solitude," got to know qais. as did val, who ran the beef wings stand qais frequented.

both of them share common interests in fashion, detective media, urban exploration, "bad" movies and books, movies and tv shows in general, and trying new foods.

now. this is all well and good. but what do they gain from being in a qpp? what does it add narratively? well.

first off, qais has to come face to face with that subconscious-ish superstition. although they know jenna's death affected them, they didn't realize how much it still influenced their everyday decisions. because of their (aromantic) (i cannot stess the nature of this relationship enough) (there's a capital D Difference between romantic attraction and aromantic attraction. no i don't know how it works) attraction to grollis, qais has to decide whether or not they're going to let that superstition continue to inform how they make relationships. here's someone that would love to be their Special Someone(TM), but they have to get over the fear that something bad will happen. and that fear takes the form of, like, beginning to ghost grollis a little -- not enough that it's obvious, but there's that danger of becoming too close, and then The Universe hears and strikes you dead. so qais takes longer to respond, or sometimes just doesn't. but with the help of the lazarus pit and supportive teammates, they get to process All Of That more and get back to normal with grollis.

secondly, grollis strikes me as the type of person who wants a special someone. whereas qais would be totally okay being single forever, grollis wants to have someone that's hyr go-to. ze like having someone to cuddle and kiss and talk about movies with. although ze don't want romance, per se, ze wants a partner. and! having a partner that's not only able to go with the flow, but able to do so excitedly, really helps grollis feel more comfortable not always having a plan, or knowing how ze feels.

however. grollis and qais cannot live together. they tried around season ß1 and just couldn't. grollis needs a home to be a private place of refuge, while qais needs a home to be a community center for all of their loved ones that's open any time they need. that's just inherently not compatible. so they live apart and see each other often.

*i assume it was an uneventful season. i can't find much on the blb wiki that suggests otherwise

i got really tired towards the end of this so i im posting and hoping it makes enough sense

#my bad if i messed up pronouns #grollis zephyr #qais dogwalker #qails #asks 4 sasha #blaseball (organizational)

[th3d0nutl0rd]

I know this is probably going to be a response to an old post or something, but in regards to the Alastor shipping controversy, I just want to say thank you. As a demiro myself, it is kinda disheartening to see people toss aside ace/aro characters as all being sex/romance repulsed. Basically stereotyping for the sake of “representation”.

I get people being upset about disrespecting his identity by writing him like any allo character, but my issue is that us demis and greyaces/aros who keep his identity in mind while writing tend to be lumped in with these guys without a second thought because we dared ship an aspec character with someone. It seems extremely gatekeepy in my eyes. Like us aspec who still feel some form of romantic and/or sexual attraction aren’t “enough”.

I understand aces don’t get rep that often, and it is nice to see ace characters when they do come up. But us demis really don’t get a ton of rep either, because we’re often seen as “just normal”.

Hi anon! So, I've not really followed up that post at all, but honestly I really appreciate you taking the time to send me this!

I choose not to label my sexuality, because personally I find that labels can be isolating and cause more harm than good sometimes.

And if you do find a label that makes you feel happy and comfortable and seen then all the more power to you! But my point here is moreso that, sometimes people are going to have complex identities or sexualities that others don't understand. Heck, maybe they don't even understand it themselves. But diminishing someone's identity or to tell them they "aren't doing it right" simply because they experience it a different way to someone else is just ignorant and again, as I said before, it's isolating and can make someone feel awful.

Just let people exist, and let them enjoy characters in a way that makes them feel represented beyond whatever you think that character should conform to. Sorry for the rant, but I'm glad my post resonated with you <3

#hazbin hotel #asexual #demisexual #demiromantic #abrosexual #actually queer #alastor hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel alastor #sexualities of all kinds #doesn't matter #lgbtq #lgbt

[questioning-aspec-culture-is]

who wants to hear me rant about how fandoms treat asexuality and aromanticism for a bit?

To me, it seems like there is no place where amatonormativity is more rampant than shipping spaces. And it's infuriating.

The way many fandoms treat lgbtq+ characters is sketchy at best - there are several instances of explicitly gay characters being shipped in straight relationships, and other such invalidation of sexualities, but that is a wider issue that I won't go into here, because my main issue is the complete eradication of aspec identities.

Aro and ace representation is rare. Good aro and ace representation is even rarer. And I know what you might be thinking. So is gay and lesbian representation! So is pan and bi and polyam representation! But here's the thing. If fans don't like the overwhelming straightness of characters in canon media, they will fix it for themselves in fanon. They will put straight characters in gay relationships. They will put characters who have no canon love interest in relationships (gay or otherwise).

And this is where the problem lies.

In a society where romantic relationships are valued over nearly everything else, it's rare and exhilarating to find characters who aren't in relationships, whether they are explicitly stated to be aro/acespec or not (which is even more rare). And fans invariably take those characters and ship them with other characters, because heaven forbid a character be happy without a romantic partner who will 'complete' them!! /s

It is obvious that to most people, queer representation in media/fandom is important... until it comes to aspec identities. Because the allos don't seem to give a shit about us and it fills me with rage. We deserve to be included in those spaces, and we deserve to have our identities respected in the same way that gay/lesbian/mspec identities are.

And there will always be queer people who say "oh, well if they've not got a canon love interest it's okay... that's not aphobic... if you tell us we're not allowed to have those ships, that's erasing our identities" and yes of course if it's not canon aromanticism there is nothing *strictly* wrong with shipping those characters but just. just have a think for a minute. If you are so openly eager to ship those characters, and you get so outwardly upset when you can't, what message is that giving to aspec people? you're telling us that unless there is a 'valid' reason not to, you think that being in a relationship is necessary, normal, the default state of things. You are upholding amatonormativity and yes, that is harmful.

And that doesn't only hurt aspec people!! not even allos are in relationships 100% of the time - when you're pushing this agenda, it is harmful to everyone. We need to de-normalise the need for relationships. Characters and people are allowed to be single and live fulfilling lives and not need to have a partner!!

thank you for reading my angry rambly rant i hope it makes sense and if you are allo and think i am being too harsh i do not care because i am fed up of you overlooking and outright excluding us <33

allos are welcome and encouraged to reblog but I would ask that you don't add on! aspecs I would love to hear your opinions, if you want to add anything to what ive said :)

#not questioning aspec culture #i love a good ship as much as the next person #not criticising the concept of shipping #but please. allos. for the love of god. #know when to stop #relationships are not NECESSAry #long post

[depressedhatakekakashi]

Also on the topic of ace Kakashi: ability to read/watch/whatever porn is apparently something allo people can’t do. Apparently it’s like,, arousing which now that I’m saying it seems obvious but I just? Don’t relate to. Not without considerable effort. And that’s v him.

This! Absolutely this!

As someone who’s demi i can’t get aroused by just any porn. I need to be emotionally invested somehow (hence why i told someone i would ‘t really be able to write harvest moon porn. I’m not emotionally invested)

Kakashi reads porn in oublic.

He reads it everywhere he goes

Because of this he gets a LOT of shit. Like when Sakura finds out what’s in his books she is appropriatly horrified and upset, but the thing is

Sakura is thinking as someone who would probably read porn and get aroused. He brain goes ‘you read that and that’s sexy so clearly your aroused in front of MINORS’ which you know, creepy

But Kakashi doesn’t get aroused. For Kakashi it is just a book he is enjoying. He’s chilling out having a good time and nothing is going on with his Libido because he is Ace.

Kakashi doesn’t understand why people are upset he reads porn in public because he doesn’t experience the arousal that they do. His friends gave him crap for it at first until they realized that Kakashi is not feeling anything like they do. He’s not struggling to hide a boner (or wet boxers for Trans Kakashi)

When kakashi says he reads the books for the romance, he is being 100% honest

[st0rmyskies]

Hi Stormy!

I want to preface this with how much I love and enjoy all your work. Seriously I love your words so much I could eat them for breakfast lunch and dinner!

but one of your recent asks kind of made me uncomfortable. It was the one where you and witchy anon were talking about FourTime and you said "Four would be SUCH a challenge for Time. He's got a hard facade to crack, and Time is going to have to pull out all the stops to get Four to bend"

I know you didn't mean anything bad by it! But it kind of weirded me out. Saying someone would have to "pull out all the stops" to get an asexual character "to bend" is just a little too close to the age old acephobic anthem of "If you just got some good dick, then you'd enjoy sex."

Refering to Four's sexual indifference as a "facade", as if his disinterest was just a cover and not his orientation, is also kind of not good. You might have been refering to his general demeanor ( you probably were) but in the context of the ask it didn't sound that way. And calling an ace character a "challenge" in the bedroom gave me bad vibes.

Honestly, and I'm really really hesitant to say this because I don't want to dictate what you write but, having your only ace character sleep with the house bicycle feels a little bit like ace-erasure: where Four is ace except for this one time where he isn’t.

I know you said Four is sex-neutral but I can't think of a single good reason they would ever get together. With Shadow it at least makes a little sense since they're in a QPR and Four might do it to make Shadow happy. But I don't see that ringing true for Time. And I can't see Four approaching Time either, since you already said he doesn't understand sexual appeal in the first place. IDK maybe I;m too sensitive sorry

Now you obviously didn't mean for this to come off this way! It might even be me reading too much into it! But sometimes your portryal of your aroace character squicks me out a bit. Sorry if this makes you upset! I really don't mean to offend or attack you! I just really love your work and wanted to let you know.

Sincerely, an aroace who really respects you and your creative liberty and who would devour a TimeFour story if it took place in the omega verse or the poly verse or any series that didn't have Four as an aroace

I tend to forget that not everyone is on the server with us having these LMTCOY discussions, so there’s some background information here that you’re not privy to. Under the cut for length.

Four is an inquisitive person by nature. I can only imagine that at some point, he’s going to become curious enough or fed-up enough or what have you about what the fuck is up with all his weirdo allo roommates. On the server, we were theorizing over whether that curiosity would end up with him darkening Time’s door at some point.

Before I answered Witchy anon's ask, I caught myself and cleaned up some problematic language in the initial draft, but clearly I didn’t think critically enough. I’m terminally allo, so I miss these things sometimes, not out of maliciousness but just because it's outside of my sphere of understanding. I am trying to be better, but I'm not perfect. What would be a fun “challenge” for Time would be to see if he can break Four’s facade of academic curiosity surrounding the act. He’d probably have to pull out all the stops - from the extremes of being gentle and complimentary to stern and harsh - to find something that Four seems to enjoy, if he even can find something. To try and make Four “bend” from his analytical approach and relax into the situation, enjoying it for what it is, would be fascinating to explore. But at the end of the day, no matter what they get up to and how much he does or doesn't enjoy it, Four would still be ace.

I was also considering it a fun challenge for me as a writer. I’ve never written an ace character in-depth before and I was considering how fascinating that perspective would be to explore. However, there’s always a risk that I’m not going to portray a given character or situation or scenario to someone’s liking, especially when the identity of the character is not my own. If I'm too worried about getting things "right" or "wrong," it's not going to be very fun for me to write at all, so maybe I just shouldn't.

Finally, if I’m putting out content that squicks you out, you should go elsewhere, full-stop. I don’t pretend to be perfect, nor do I aim to be. You should always seek out the content that aligns better with your needs and preferences.

#stormy asks #lmtcoy #hsh four

[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is calling one of your exes a good friend while you were dating and not realizing why she was so upset about it. (In hindsight my being aro should’ve been more obvious, oops)

#aro culture is #aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #mod kee #i don't understand why that would be upsetting :( #but i know allos seem to find it upsetting :( #Anonymous

[saturnsstufff]

The Empress- Darker the Weather // Better the Man

Warnings: topics from the empress, Violence

Sarah laid on the makeshift cot. Lately with how everything had been pulled out, the war seemed like it had no end. Her eyes danced dully well her fingers fiddled with the locket from her lovers. Tears easily welled her eyes at the thought of them waiting for her.

Distant, everything is scattered

She missed them, she missed them more than she thought she truly would. The way their fingers danced warmly around her locks. Or how mornings were spent wrapped up tightly within her wives arms, the cold artic air contrasting to the warm blankets. She just missed the softness of the lingering moments.

When your mind is shattered and torn apart

She knew the war wouldn't last forever, yet with every passing day, it seemed the ending was fading. Sarah knew she shouldn't be mad at Technoblade or (y/n), but she couldn't help it.

Maybe it started with (y/n), the way she clinged and lulled the grand emperor into a false sense of pride. She easily Loathed that. Everyone within the empire assumed the Emperor was in control, but Sarah- being the general, knew exactly who had the power.

In an instant, I can be indifferent

But could she really bring herself to hate her? After all she was pregnant with the Emperor's baby as of currently.

She knew she shouldn't, yet it was so easy...

When she walked into the tent to see the Grand Emperor packing his things- it left her seething. He was going to leave them- leave his troops- his people- people who gave so much in hopes to end the conflict quickly. Technoblade should have known others were missing important family events, yet here they stood, proudly serving under his name.

The blame is always shifted from the start

And it was all because She, called- begged, him to come home.

She couldn't linger about any longer, she needed to distract herself. So grabbing a cloak she left the base camp, although some of the men asked about where she was leaving too. Sarah simply wiped her eyes with pride and assured them of her return.

Leafless treetops in the snow

Views of death and bitter cold

The walk towards the nearby village was a bore. Due to the cold, barely any animals found home within the snow, anymore Sarah was starting to see the appeal of moving somewhere warmer.

Instead of visiting a bakery or a warm café, Sarah found herself wondering into a bar. Perusal, only the odd were within the warm walls. Brute men and sly women hogging up around the bar.

Without a step of hesitance she took her seat at the bar, the two brooding men beside her looked as if they should have scared her off. Yet when they tried to comment on Sarah's seat she simply sent a cold glare. Towards them, a wordless death threat of silence.

When the men backed off, they ultimately decided to move seats completely. In turn a younger gentleman took their seats.

Sarah didn't acknowledge him, something seemed off about it, yet she couldn't place her finger quite on it. The man took a glance to her, his fluffier Blonde hair radiating a familiar tone.

"You seemed troubled..." the man purred, sending Sarah into a eyeroll. Typical men. She thought, knowing exactly where this was leading.

"Don't think like that." The man said, his green eyes flashing slightly as a warning. "I'm only here to hear out a strangers problem... I'm hear to help." He mused.

Although Sarah was offset and held the high urge to not tell a thing to this man. Something told her it was worth it. She needed to get it off her chest.

So she did.

And through that, she felt her nerves lessen. With layer, and layer dropped about Technoblade, his wife, his family, everything. She felt a silver lining.

Something that should have stuck out to her however, was when she went on about Technoblade, the Man seemed to just know everything about him. Even things she didn't know- things that seemed future related. It was odd.

Yet here she found herself, drink in hand, explaining her problems to a lost man at a bar. Through the end of her rant, the only thing he had to say was "Men are hard, but im sure you've herd it before..." at the line she shrugged and looked to her glass.

The swirling bourbon within held her reflection, but something eerier about it, was when she glanced to the man inside the glass. The reflection, although looking exactly like the man beside her, when looking closer she saw halo's crossing over his face, Golden beams of bended light.

When she looked back to the man, he was looking at her unamused. "You know, there is a saying out there, that you may find, useful..." the man said.

You can take all you want, but not who I am

"What is the saying..." Sarah asked cautiously, now alarmed from the mans reflection. She watched the man take a drink before smiling- almost sinisterly.

"The Darker the Weather, the Better the Man" he said. Sarah gave a odd look to him, not understanding, but it didn't take long for the man to elaborate. "Say something hardens the man your talking about. Something that will truly drive him cold. He may turn out better than you expected. After all, weaklings rarely survive war." The man said casually.

The line rang around inside Sarah's mind, what could make techno so cold, that he refused to go home. The man watched her, trying his best to hide the wicked smile he held.

But the darker the weather, the better the man

And then it hit her. Almost like sheer brilliance, it hit her dead on.

You can take all you want, but not who I am

The letters to you.

You can't have my-

When Wilbur was tasked with waking you up, it was easy to say he was always overjoyed. With techno being absent from your side, Wil always tried his best to make you smile. Sometimes even Tommy would tag along.

Of course, Tommy didn't understand the severity of the moment how heartbroken and lost you felt, but he could easily tell you were sad at the least. So he also tried to cheer you up.

Sun shines through an open window

So on days he woke you, he would often run into Technoblade room, your silhouette laying within the oversized bed. He often viewed it as misplaced for how lonely your body looked.

But that didn't ever stop him from pulling the curtains open, the light rarely shined brightly through the glass, but in the end it did allow more light within. Well Wilbur pulled the curtains, tommy would often bounce on your bed, doing his best to make you smile.

Close the curtains real slow to hide the light

Although you would hide your face and try to hide, tommy wouldn't stop his smiling and joyful laugh. Yet Wilbur would always watch how your eyes would linger to techno's side of the bed. Wilbur hadn't seen the letters between you and techno, but he always saw how they tore you up. Whatever he was saying was hurting you, and Wilbur despised it.

But in time, maybe I can change it

At the least Wilbur was thankful you had Orion beside you, he was able to calm most of your haywire nerves. Of course, Wilbur never liked how close he was to you. But, he understood it was a time where you just needed someone.

We'll find someone who feels the same as me

Wilbur saw how you tried to hide your pain, your long nights spent crying, the days you refused to eat, the way you refused to acknowledge techno's lost presence. It was obvious who you were not on good terms.

Wilbur couldn't help his curiosity, he knew it was wrong, yet he did it anyway. When you had left your office for bed Wilbur snuck in, it was the first time he was in Technoblade office alone. The sword you made held high on the wall, truthfully it was poetic.

On a plaque underneath it, was lettering inscribed "the Empress" like the embodied empress, the sword similarly hung alone. With care he slid into your chair, slowly pulling the letters out to read.

You broke me down and stole my soul

And oh was his pissed. For good reason, he saw why everyone was so upset with him.

Left me vacant and all alone

Out of everyone, Orion was the one to see you at your worst. Never had he assumed he would have been so close to someone that he would have gave everything to take your pain away. It left his blood boiling to see you hurt the way you were.

Months of being alone, feeling lost, unloved, unwelcomed. It truly left him with a burning hate. Orion knew he could treat you so much better, that he could take care and provide for you and your infant child.

Over the time techno was gone, he felt he was the only commander to truly hate his leader. Hate what he puts others through, he hated the sorrow he brought along.

But the darker the weather, the better the man

But nothing compared to the pure rage Orion felt when he herd what techno did to you. When you all rested at Foolish's summer home, you didn't lay with techno right off the bat, instead you explained what happened between techno and you.

And Orion was livid.

Techno had put his hands on you- had put his hands on your throat. Orion felt every bone in his body scream to get even. No one raises a hand to those they love, it was just a unspoken law. Orion would have taken to Technoblade as well, only thing holding him back was your tender soft words.

"Please don't- please Orion... let it stay between us..." you begged to him. Soft doe eyes pleading to the Enderian.

You can take all you want, but not who I am

Although it gnawed at Orion’s heart, he respected your call and left it lie. But that didn't stop what fallowed.

With the Enderian's blood flowing strong with rage, emotion, and the urge to defend, he couldn't help the way his eyes slit with the dragons hue, the blood curdling purple that drove fear into those around him.

You were far down the hall, everyone was asleep, it was a perfect time to let everything go.

You can't have my

And go he did..

He had never felt it, even though his blood ran with the Enderian's, he had never felt his anger hit the point of breaking.

The point that others forewarned him about. The point where his jaw would dislocate and his skin would tear open to allow the canines of a monster to show.

It wasn't a side he thought he had.

You can't have my

Yet when the thought laced through his mind again. The thought of techno putting his hands on you, he felt the pop, and the blinding rage that fallowed. Throwing the nearest object as he let the curdling scream out.

You can't have my soul

When techno undressed for the night, he couldn't explain the shame and hurt that he felt. He couldn't meet his own gaze within the mirror. He knew you were willing to bathe with him again. Lay for the night and try and wish it to be what it once was.

But he knew he Hurt you. He knew it wasn't his direct doing, but he was involved- he took it too far.

He could still see the nail marks from where you grabbed his face, he hoped it wasn't the same for your neck.

He didn't deserve you.

He knew it. The way he lashed and you too willing asked him to bathe with you like it was over. You taking his hands, his face his body into your hands, you were truly too wonderful. To amazing for him.

But the darker the weather, the better the man

When you stepped into the bathroom he saw your tired eyes, your arms firmly around Thena. He saw how attached you were to her. She was your world, she was the world techno wanted to live with.

Techno knew he had no right to ask to hold her, not after what he had done to his tiny family. Yet he couldn't help but want to feel you and her in his arms. He wanted to redeem himself and show you he was worthy enough to protect you both.

You can take all you want, but not who I am

After all he was still your husband and her father in the end, it was his job, his one thing he cannot mess up. He knew others were on the line. Others more important than a endless battalion, you were his wife, his life, the mother of his daughter.

You were his world.

But the darker the weather, the better the man

So from that day, he swore. Dare anyone lay a hand on his wife, and daughter. He would raise hell upon them.

He would never loose you too like he almost did.

You can take all you want, but not who I am

#technoblade x reader #te

[suffering-with-fiery]

Rune translations and Bottom theories (I did my best!) (: It's long! I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG!!!! You've been warned. (Potential TWs below the cut) yeah Hyoga doesn't have a good time here.

I should probably start calling Hyoga "Hyouga" instead since I'm pretty sure it's spelled with a 'U'... but I probably won't. Apologies.

Bottom English translation by Tackmyn Y! (I can't speak Japanese, again, apologies, though I was able to make my own version of Autophagy)

Potential TWs (I dont want to harm anyone by going on this rant): Autophagy (medical terms), nightmares, demons tormenting a guy, Hyoga being unhealthy in more ways than one, mentions of death/murder, self esteem issues, mentions of destructive behavior, manipulation, violence.

Yeah, my boy Hyoga ain't having a good time in this theory.

I feel the need to clarify that this is all speculation. So uh. Everything here is just what I've been thinking about since I hopped into this rabbit hole.

Sinfan (I'm not sure what order they go in, it's quite hard to tell):

["Death"

"I"

"Revive"

"Spirit"

"I"

"Something with shape"]

I'm not fully sure what "something with shape" means, but there's a possibility that Sinfan could be referring to Hyoga, (a doll/wax figure) or maybe that Sinfan needs something with a shape to be able to exist. Sinfan could need a vessel to stay on the mortal plain and go undetected while staying alive.

Sinfan needs a vessel. And with that thought, it launches into indecipherable theory crafting.

Hyoga summoned Sinfan when he was 12 years old. Thinking he found a vessel, he called upon Pabometh, another grey demon, to help torment Hyoga so the two could get their wish.

Hyoga, at the time, is young, dumb and susceptible to manipulation, meaning it could be easy for Sinfan to grasp the situation with an iron grip which follows Hyoga into adulthood.

"Revival" could also be referring to "Rebirth," symbolized by a butterfly. It could also mean that Sinfan/Pabo has the powers to revive people. Maybe as a last resort if they need it.

In Hiiragi Kirai's album trailer on Youtube, Hyoga shows up in a scene with 'D' and 'B' in calligraphy on each cheek. They could mean "Death" and "Birth" respectively.

Lines from Autophagy:

"I just wants a peaceful life." Likely means Hyoga wants the demons gone so he can live how he wants to. (Who wouldn't?)

"The voice inside my head? Huh... how odd." Also implies that the demons are still with him.

"My body pulses, memories from my past bringing pain." Means that in Autophagy, Hyoga remembers his past, but it hurts him.

""You can't avoid it in life, so it's best to just deal with it." You say, but you dont seem bothered." Is most likely Sinfan talking to Hyoga. It could also mean that Hyoga can't avoid the demons, so he should just deal with it.

"I can't stop now, so pretend nothing happened!" Could be Hyoga trying to ignore the demons, or maybe he did something he shouldn't have. (Always knew those were prison tattoos...)

"I want to wash my skull out! I want to say bye bye! But yet I didn't do it..." Could mean that the demons are still with him in Autophagy and likely still tormenting him.

"I won't stop, I can't look back." Might mean Hyoga is trying to move on, but with the demons still in his head, he can't, so the "Let me forget!" after the instrument solo might be him wishing that he never remembered in the first place and trying to get the demons to take them away again.

"Just stay away from me!" Could be Hyoga distancing himself from everyone he knows, or trying to get the demons to go away.

"Hello! HAHAHAHA Hello! HAHAHAHAHA!" Might be Hyoga as he slowly loses his remaining sanity due to constant tormenting and pressure from the demons.

"A A A A- 'Allo/Allow/Arrow" could all imply different things, so I'll give a short on all of them.

"'Allo!" Is just an abbreviation of "Hello."

"Arrow!" -According to a quick google search- is a common symbolism for peace and philosophical ideas, and used for protection and hunting. It could mean that Hyoga just wants peace and quiet, which is enforced by "I just want a peaceful life." in the beginning.

"Allow!" Could mean that the demons are trying even harder to bend him to their will and take him over as a vessel. They want Hyoga to allow them to posses him so they can do whatever they please.

Pabo only has 2 that I can see:

["Nightmare"

"Save (?)ime"]

It might be "time" but I couldn't make out the rune symbol there.

"Nightmare" hardens my thought that Bottom is just a massive nightmare set up by the demons to torment Hyoga, that the song is sung from the perspective of one of the demons (likely Pabo), and that Young Hyoga(tm) in the video is Pabometh playing the part of his repressed/forgotten memories.

This is all assuming the song is, infact, sung by the demons.

Lines from Bottom:

"You're keeping me alive! Today, today, you're killing me!" Could go both ways (Pabo/Sinfan and Hyoga) For Pabo it could just be another variation of the next line I'm about to talk about.

For Hyoga it could mean that he wouldn't be able to function if he didn't have the demons (Sinfan might posses him to make him fit in so nobody notices, keep him from dying from mortal wounds, and he's lived with them so long he might not know what to do without them), but with them he's slowly tearing himself apart from the inside out due to their constant tormenting. Metaphorically or literally is anyone's guess at the moment.

"Autophagy" (his songs name) is a medical term for "self eat" which normally happens when your body is starved, so it eats it's own cells to survive as long as it can. It can also correlate to certain diseases. Autophagy in these terms might also be referring to emotions. It's possible he's been stewing in any sort of negative emotions to cause such effects. (I.E: Guilt, fear, self worth issues,) which could make his resolve weaker, making it easier for Pabo and Sinfan to torment him/possess him. The longer it goes on, the closer he could be to self destructing.

"A wax figure/a doll is keeping me alive/killing me." Is more related to the demons in my eyes. "Wax figure/a doll" is likely referring to Hyoga. Hyoga could be their only tie to the mortal realm, (Sinfan being more prominent because he was summoned first, and by Hyoga himself.)

It could also mean that they need to inhabit his mind/body in order to survive and make it easier to torment Hyoga. If they both are in Hyoga's mind 24/7 while he suffers from nightmares (which cause lack of sleep, keeping his body in a perpetually weak state), no self worth, and a fragile mental state ("I wanna keep you out of my fragile mind!") while he tears himself apart, it would mean it would be harder to stay with him without something happening.

Due to that, it's likely that the very thing keeping them alive and in the mortal realm is also killing them at the same time.

It may be worth mentioning that a line in Bottom is "You think you're a god to me?" while 9lore translated Rinen's (Möbius') tattoo on his chest, which reads "Be still and know that I am god." It could a a coincidence, but I thought I'd mention it just in case (:

Throughout the entire song the demons are mocking and belittling Hyoga. (I.E: "Defying all logic, you're nothing but evil." "You're so stupid! You scumbag, scumbag, scumbag!") Most of the angry rant type of thing happens when Young Hyoga (tm) is on-screen. (It could be a tactic to make Hyoga not want to remember/manipulate his memories/tear down his resolve even more/or just plain upset him.)

"I mean, who, who, who are you?" It's been made clear that for the longest time (according to WOOMA) Hyoga didn't even remember his own name. "Who are you?" might be Pabo trying to get into Hyoga's head and make him question his own sanity.

"What the hell are you to me?" Implies that Pabo also want Hyoga to question why Pabo is here. Sinfan was summoned by Hyoga, but Pabometh was likely summoned by Sinfan to help tear down Hyoga. That means the two don't have much history, and Hyoga most likely doesn't know why Pabo is here for awhile.

It's "you to me" instead of "me to you" so Pabo could also be trying to get Hyoga to try and notice him in a positive way so that the nightmares stop. I'll expand on that some more a few (a lot) of paragraphs down.

"Inside my heart is- such a rage! Such a rage! So I'll grab you, grasp you, and crush you flat!" Is a line I find interesting. It also leads directing into another line; "The symptom of the unforgettable emotion is my burning intent to murder, which is absolutely right." Pabo would likely be talking about Hyoga, which implies that if he could, Pabo would murder Hyoga himself, but since the "wax figure" is needed to keep both him and his accomplice, Sinfan, alive, he can't.

It also implies that Pabo is extremely angry with Hyoga, for a reason I can't particularly pinpoint, except maybe for the fact that Hyoga's becoming more and more unstable and not safe for Pabo and Sinfan. The only problem is, it's Pabo and Sinfans fault he's like that. They're the ones that chose Hyoga as a vessel while simultaneously destroying him.

However, it's possible that Pabo's aim was to devoid Hyoga of anything and everything, (I.E: memories, emotions, etc. etc.) so that he was just that: a vessel. But with Hyoga being so destructive to himself, the whole plan could have gone awry and Pabo's only thought was how furious he was at Hyoga for messing up his chance to be in the mortal realm undetected for good, meaning he wishes he could destroy Hyoga and just get it over with so him and Sinfan could wait until someone else summoned them so they could take advantage of that.

""How deplorable you are! How deplorable you are!"" Is a line that has a chance of Hyoga himself having said it due to it having quotes on it. It also implies that he he could be fighting back, so his resolve might not crushed completely. However, a show of strength like that would likely just enrage Pabometh even more than he already is. It also doesn't help the positive impression he wants Pabo to have of him.

"You're involving yourself with me again like a clingy, clingy neighbor!" Sounds like Pabo, again, insulting Hyoga. If we go off of another part of this fever dream I've cooked up, (Hyoga not knowing what to do without the demons, but with them destroying himself), sounds like Pabo doesn't want to be with Hyoga anymore, going as far as hating him so much he's festering in it.

The "again" makes it sound like Hyoga's tried to communicate with them more than once, being unsuccessful each time. Hyoga could be trying to latch onto them, either to take them down with him or trying to get the nightmares to stop. Like I said, for a while Hyoga could have been trying to get positive attention and make Pabo like him.

"The low-end is going to manipulate me." Could be Pabo addressing that he knows what Hyoga was trying to do and calling him out for it.

"Brimming with momentary anger, rot away quickly, quickly, quickly!" Again, Pabo is talking about his burning hatred for Hyoga.

"I'm always losing! How, how dare you!" Implies that even with all the nightmares and torment, Hyoga has just enough willpower to keep Pabo from getting his wish, angering him even more.

And finally, a line from Autophagy:

"Oh, rise seeds of evil, bursting with malice!" Might be Hyoga finally giving into the demons and becoming their vessel if they take away his painful memories and stop hurting him.

Pentagram:

["-r Guide(A) N(?)E A(?)R"

"The ability to know wh-"

"Grant me the power to be strong in spirit-"

"Grant me the wisdom to understand-"]

With it over Pabo, it's possible that this was the one that summoned Pabo instead of Sinfan, although with it also under Hyoga, it could be Sinfan's. Who knows, it might also be boths.

In the ending scene with the pentagram, the colors of the other songs are visible, meaning that it's possible all of them are connected.

(I could go on for hours about the small loopholes that I think mean all the songs are connected in specific ways. Either way I know they're all from the same universe.)

With all their colors on it, it might mean they all have a demon of their own.

I'm still working slightly on the pentagram, I'll probably keep ya updated if I can find out what the rest of it says (:

If anyone can find the full version (preferably readable) of the pentagram, that'd be lovely (if it even exists)

(If you find more runes in "Bottom" or another Hiiragi song I'd be happy to see if I can translate it (: I'm not very good though, and I can't speak Japanese-)

English translation of Bottom used by: Tackmyn Y (I don't know where you are but you're a lifesaver)

Find any spelling errors, let me know! I'll see if I can fix 'em (:

If you read this far, what're you doing??

Have an absolutely amazing day!!! <3

#hiiragi kirai #wooma #autophagy #runes #translation #theories #fan theory #speculation #v flower #THE WOOMAVERSE #I need a manga anime and Netflix adaptation NOW

[whumpingcrow]

Pt. 8 "Apartment Sweet Apartment"

CW: hospital setting, medical whump, injury description/mention, PTSD themes, past noncon/abuse mentions, tics/tourettes, death mention, strangling, panic attack, aftermath of noncon, August mention (let me know if i missed anything!)

Elias was incredibly vigilant and on edge the next twenty or so minutes, flinching and ducking away from doctors at every motion towards him, scrambling away from any instrument they shoved at him, afraid of any pain they inflict. Even after they repeatedly assured him that they weren't going to hurt him, they were only there to help, he couldn't help but cower away from them. It was understandable, and they were patient with him, considering the very last thing he remembered was being strangled to death by someone who had already hurt him more than should be possible. So of course he was afraid, he had every right to be, that's what they kept telling him. And even though he mostly believed it when they said he was safe now and he was thankful he was away from August, he couldn't help but wish for his small, comforting touches, or his reassurance that he was doing ok, or a slap across the face for speaking out of turn. What was wrong with him? He was finally away from the nightmare, he had literally died to get out of it, and he was disgusted in himself for even halfway wanting August to be there.

"Alright Elias, I'm just gonna get a quick look at your throat, ok?" One of the nurses asked, as she walked in. She didn't give him a second to prepare, her gloved hands already reaching for his neck. He shrunk away from her, even with the warning.

"Oh, sorry," he whispered, leaning back towards her.

"That's ok." Her fingers danced gently against his skin, and even though she was soft, his skin was tender enough for it to hurt. He let out a soft whine as she touched one particularly sensitive spot, trying with everything in him to not pull away from her. It was difficult, every bone in his body was screaming for the pain to be over, he couldn't stand another second of the exhausting aches and stings and burns. He felt like he might pass out if he had to feel another second of it. "How badly does it hurt, scale of one to ten?"

Before Elias could answer, there was an outcry at the door, and he looked up to see Tyson standing there, watching him with a look of mixed horror and relief. "Oh, Eli, you're ok!"

The nurse pulled away from him, excusing herself from the room with a promise to come check on him later. Elias looked down at his hands, choking on his tears already. Tyson approached him rather quickly, frowning when he flinched back.

"Sorry, sorry," he rushed, his voice softer now, "I'm just... God, I'm so glad you're alright." Every word he said was absolutely dripping in relief, but Elias felt like if he were to look up at him he would be able to tell that he was faking it.

"Yeah? Are you?" Elias shot back, keeping his head ducked. He knew, if this were August, he would be hit as soon as his tone was even the slightest bit off, and he relaxed a bit when he realized Tyson wasn't going to hit him.

"Of course I am, baby," Tyson whispered, rubbing his thumb against Elias's arm, "I was so fucking worried."

"Yeah, if Allen's nick name is 'worried' then you definitely were fucking worried."

Tyson was silent for a second, pulling his hand away. "What are you talking about?"

Elias huffed, shaking his head. He was in so much pain, he was so incredibly tired, everything was still in ruins even though he was away from August. He wished they didn't save him, that way he could have just escaped all of this new turmoil. "I don't want to see you. Please get out."

"What? No, Elias please. Please don't shut me out, let me be here for you." Tyson grabbed his hand, frowning when Elias gasped in pain and pulled away. He didn't notice the horrible bruising and swelling, and he only took it to heart when Elias jumped away from his touch. "Elias why are you upset with me?"

Elias was really crying now, still refusing to look up at Tyson. He wanted so badly to be held, to find some sort of comfort in Tyson's arms, but he couldn't stop thinking about the pictures of him with Allen and all the harsh things August said about him. "I know you got rid of me to be with Allen. I saw the pictures."

"I didn't get rid of you, how could you say that? What pictures?"

Elias sobbed, shaking his head. His throat tightened at the pain the movement caused, and he wrinkled his nose as tears slipped down his cheeks. "Please get out. Please."

"Elias I swear I didn't do anything with Allen. Look at me." Elias shook his head again, so Tyson tried to make his tone softer, despite the panicked desperation he was feeling. "Eli please look at me."

Tyson looked so tired. His eyes were darkened by sleeplessness and his clothes were a mess and he was staring at Elias with a sad hope to his gaze, a hope that Elias had lost some time ago. He cried harder, which only hurt his throat and chest more. "I was so scared." He heard himself whimper. "I was so scared and you weren't going to save me and I just wanted to die, Tyson. I want it to stop."

"I know, love," Tyson hushed, placing his hand against Elias's cheek and swiping his tears, overjoyed when he let him, "I'm so sorry I couldn't help you." Elias frowned when he saw that Tyson was also crying.

"He told me you gave me up so Allen would be safe. He showed me pictures of you hugging him." He sniffled a little, groaning when he ticced. Tyson was quick to grab onto his wrist softly, stroking his skin gently to calm him down. This was the comfort Elias missed so badly, Tyson knew how to calm him down in almost unnoticeable ways instead of just allowing him to flail about like August did.

"That's not true. Elias, I didn't spend a single waking minute doing anything but worry for you and try to help find you." He leaned closer as he spoke, trying to get Elias to open up to him, to drop some of the tension from his shoulders and turn toward him fully. "Nothing happened. August lied to you."

Elias looked him over, at the way his hand fit loosely around his wrist, the tears cutting down his dark cheeks. Everything about him was begging for Elias to trust him, his face and posture screaming "You have to believe me, you have to."

"You promise?" He finally whispered. His voice was so soft and close to the edge of cracking that Tyson sighed heavily at the absolute brokenness of the question.

"I promise baby. I swear." He was flooded with relief as Elias leaned toward him, resting his head against Tyson's shoulder. He stayed still, not wanting to move and scare him away, but he was insanely pleased at the touch. Elias was ok, he was alive, and he was touching him.

When Elias was allowed to leave the hospital, he ended up back at Tyson's place. It was clean, with some Christmas lights strung up despite it hardly being fall, and bouquets of flowers scattered around. Elias sat on the couch, his hands folded neatly in his lap.

"It looks pretty in here," he remarked, his voice quiet and nervous. Tyson offered up a friendly smile as he set his things down before moving to sit next to Elias.

"All these flowers are for you. People kept dropping them off." He took Elias's hand in his own, as if he was afraid that if he wasn't touching him he would have a meltdown.

Elias nodded, chewing on his lip nervously. He stared hard at the lights because he could feel Tyson's eyes on him and he felt like if he looked back at him he would see contempt. Or maybe disappointment. He wasn't Allen, he had unfortunately survived and now he was a burden to him again. He wasn't wanted here, he could almost feel it, in the way that Tyson grudgingly sat by his side and held his hand, like he was putting on a show of his affection.

"You alright love? You're so quiet." Tyson's voice was honeyed, coated with a layer of artificial sugar. It reminded Elias of August, when he would use that sickly sweet tone as he said something horrible. It almost sounded like a compliment when he called him an idiot, like a poem when he told him no one but August cared about him, he sounded genuinely loving when he told Elias he looked better bruised and bloody than when he was ok.

"I need to use the bathroom," Elias whispered, pulling his hands away from him as he staggered to his feet. He bit back a whine at the pain that shot through every atom of his body, his head fuzzy from standing up. His vision was darkening and his head was spinning again, it caused an almost familiar anxiety to grab at him. He was being strangled, he was going to die, he could see August's face as his vision faded to black, he was dead. Elias was dead.

He felt arms around him as he swayed, and he couldn't help but clutch at Tyson's clothes as he gasped in panicked breaths. He didn't realize he'd started sobbing hard until Tyson was trying to calm him down. "Hey, hey," he hummed, rubbing his back, "you're ok, love. It's ok."

"I don't want to die!" Elias cried, and he really meant it, even though he didn't earlier, even though earlier he was peacefully accepting the warm blanket of death. "I'm so scared, Tyson! I don't want to die anymore!"

Tyson pulled him back onto the couch and sat him down, holding him close against his chest. "You're safe, Elias. I've got you, you're gonna be alright. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you." He stroked Elias's back gently, then his hair, then pulled away to look at his tear stained face. "It's over now, baby. No one's going to hurt you anymore." He was whispering now, gentle and quiet with his fragile Elias.

Elias sniffled, searching Tyson's face for something. When he seemed to find it, he closed his eyes and nestled his head against his shoulder to find comfort. It felt so good to be held so gently, without the looming threat of pain or fear. "Death is so scary, Ty. It's so dark and it feels like...like the world just swallows you whole. It's so scary."

Tyson was quiet now, merely holding Elias and allowing him to speak. "I was so angry that the last thing I was gonna see was his stupid fucking face and I tried to look out the window but I...I..."

"Elias, listen to me," he ran his hands over Elias's small frame, pleased to feel his breathing had slowed a little. "No one's gonna hurt you anymore. I'm here, I'm not gonna let anyone touch you." He sighed, and Elias sat up to look up at him, sniffling softly. Tyson reached up to wipe his tears, moving slowly so he wouldn't freak him out all over again. "I hate to see you so scared and hurt. I just wanna hide you away and make you all better."

"God, I missed you. I didn't realize how much I missed you cause I thought you hated me." Elias timidly reached up to take Tyson's face in his hand gently, sighing at the forgotten familiarity. "Oh, Tyson. You're so perfect. How could I forget..." He trailed off as Tyson's hands dropped comfortably to his waist. This was familiar too, but in a sicker, more upsetting way. This touch was less innocent, it had hidden motives that Elias knew all too well by now. He didn't want that pain anymore, he didn't want to be praised and fawned over when it was only going to hurt in the end anyway. It didn't feel good when he was sober, at least when he was high he couldn't feel the pain. But now he was sober, and in a gruesome amount of pain, and Tyson was touching him in that way that meant he was going to take what he wanted any second and Elias knew he wasn't supposed to argue or it would be worse but he didn't know if he could stomach any more pain-

"What is it?" Tyson asked him, pulling him out of his spiraling thoughts. Elias was surprised to feel he had started trembling, and when he did realize, he ticced. "Hey, you're ok. What are you thinking about?"

"I...I really wanted my first time to be with you," he choked out, looking away from Tyson. He was ashamed, he felt used up and disgusting and discarded, why would Tyson want him now? "Or at least someone who cares about me. I mean really cares about me, not a liar like August."

Tyson frowned at him, realizing what he was trying to tell him, that August took his virginity. He must've not known about the couple videos they were sent, the gut wrenching ones fill with sobbing and pleading and typically a fair amount of blood. Tyson's heart broke for him, he hated that August had to be the introduction to all of it, that his first experience with sex was tainted by violence and deceit and pain, not love or lust or understanding. The more he thought back to those videos, the more it shattered him, ate him alive. Elias was an innocent and clueless little lamb and August was a relentless, bloodthirsty wolf. It was nothing short of a slaughter, every video. He wondered if, almost hoped, Elias was treated differently outside of them. For his sake, he wished that August had at least shown him an inkling of softness every now and then.

"I'm so sorry he ruined that for you, Eli." It was all he could manage to say, and it hardly came out in one piece over the thick hatred and disgust for August he felt. He pulled him back to his chest, placing soft kisses into his hair. "Maybe one day, when you're all healed, I'll show you how it's supposed to be."

Elias hummed softly, his fingers tugging at the buttons on Tyson's shirt mindlessly. "Yeah, I'd like that I think."

"Ok," Tyson sighed pointedly, "what do you wanna do? Are you hungry?"

"Uh... Can you just hold me for a bit longer please?" Elias whispered. Tyson nodded, his grip tightening.

#whump fic #whump community #whump #whump writing #whump tropes #whumpblr #whump prompt #whumpee #captivity whump #whump ideas #emotional whump #whump scenario #whump blog #whumper #caretaker #whump stuff #whump scenes #whump oc #whump dialogue #whump aftermath #whump comfort #whump concept #whump character #whump mention #whump reference #whump series #whump story #whump tag #whump tw #whump things

[athela-3]

crushing defeat

1.7k words; gen/comedy; hints of shipping if you blink, look here, and look away again; if everyone gives aspec vibes that’s my bad, I have no idea how allos work; 3 am nonsense is practically its own genre; mild language (canon-typical); no content warnings.

Yuki’s never had a crush before. Normally that’s not a problem, but now that he really needs to know what it’s like, nobody else in Mankai can seem to give him a straight answer. And what does cake have to do with anything?

“You. Elite Swindler. What's it like to have a crush?”

Itaru looks up from his phone and finds himself face-to-face with Yuki's inquisitive eyes. “Um.” He blinks, stalling for time while he forces his brain to take a U-turn from his game. “Why do you ask?”

Yuki sighs, swatting aside a strand of hair and tucking it behind his ear. “My character's supposed to be in love, but no matter how many times I try saying my lines it never sounds right. The Director said I should try asking around to get an idea what it's supposed to feel like, and you're sitting right here. So are you going to tell me or not?”

“Huh.” Well, that sounds like something she would do, Itaru concedes. He sits up, placing his phone face down on the sofa next to him. “If I have to describe it, I'd say it's inconvenient. Just because you like someone doesn't mean you'd like liking them. It's kind of like pulling a gacha and getting an SSR. If it's your favourite character, cool, but if it's a character you don't like and you already have three other copies of the exact same card, and now you have to grind all over again… not cool.”

Yuki rolls his eyes, and for a second Itaru thinks he's about to be on the business end of his trademark sarcastic zingers again. “But what is it like? It can't be as sappy as it looks like in Muku's manga.” Beat. Slowly, with dread creeping into his voice: “Is it?”

Itaru opens his mouth to answer, only for a better idea to spring into mind. He cranes his head to look into the kitchen, where Homare is nursing a cup of some fragrant tea blend with a complicated, bougie name. “Hey, Homare? How would you describe the feeling of falling in love?”

There's a brief pause, filled only with Yuki's wide-eyed Oh-No-You-Didn't stare, which Itaru diligently avoids. Then Homare places his teacup on the saucer with a gentle plink and replies, with the absolute certainty of an astronomer looking at the night sky: “Devotion astride with every doki doki… a sugary somnambulism, nefelibata's mazurka of watchfulness, feather-light fingertips painting patient litanies!”

“Exactly.” Itaru grins. “See? It's not that hard.”

Yuki's expression is flat, but Itaru thinks he can see the gears turning inside his head. Eventually he sighs. “Fine. You've made your point.”

“Look, that's all I've got,” Itaru shrugs. “Besides, why don't you ask someone who definitely knows what it's like? Have you tried asking Muku?”

“Duh. He tried to hand me a bunch of romance manga for reference. But that's fiction. If I want my acting to be realistic, I need to look at real life examples.”

“Why not ask Masumi then?”

“And listen to him babble about the Director for the next three hours?”

“Mm. Kazunari?”

“I'm not an idiot. I already asked everyone in my troupe.”

“Tsumugi?”

“I would, but he's not home. Tasuku says he's out tutoring. And before you start, I already asked the Muscle Freak. He mumbled something about high expectations and ran off.”

“Citron?”

“You've got to be kidding me.”

“Taichi?”

“The Dumb Dog? That's… a good idea. Plus I needed to check on his sewing anyway, he's supposed to finish them this—”

“Yo, Taruchi, where are you? Don't just go AFK on me like that!”

They turn to see Banri emerging from the stairwell, phone in hand and an annoyed look in his face. Itaru waves him over at once, relieved to find a potential back-up partner. “Banri! You gotta help me out, man. I need you to describe what having a crush is like.”

Banri stares slack-jawed, caught totally off-guard. “A crush? It's distracting, that's what. I mean, they're all you can think about, right? No matter what you're doing or where you go, you just keep thinkin' about 'em.”

Itaru snaps his fingers. “Right! And you know you've got it bad when you keep finding excuses to be around them. Or when you do weird stuff to get their attention, like giving them things or teasing them or picking fights with them—”

“Why would you pick a fight with someone you like?” Yuki squints, thoroughly unimpressed. “You can't expect them to fight with you and then magically like you back afterwards. That's just stupid.”

“Well,” Itaru grins, “it is.”

“Ah, but such is love!” rejoins Homare, his sentence punctuated by a neat clink as he places his drained teacup in the sink. “Even the greatest of geniuses are fools when it comes to love. Perhaps I should write a poem about that… the overripe ache of tenderness, rotting one's mind even as it enriches the soul…”

Banri shakes his head sharply. “Yeah, whatever. Just get the interrogation done with so we can start the next match.” With that, he marches off into the kitchen, brushing past Homare without a word to fetch a glass of water.

As the poet leaves, still murmuring fancy thesaurus words under his breath, Itaru turns to Yuki and raises his eyebrows. “So? Think you got a better idea now?”

“A little,” Yuki admits. “You're not so useless after all.”

“Huh. I don't know what I expected. Guess I'll take what I can get.”

At that moment, the front door swings open, and in walks Juza, carrying a bag full of groceries in each hand. Behind him is the Director, bearing an identical bag in her arms and pulling the door shut behind her with her foot. “We're home!” she shouts.

“Welcome home, Director, Juza. Whoa, that's a lot of loot today.”

She laughs. “Turned out there was a sale, and since it's important that we save money I thought we might as well stock up ahead. I was lucky Juza came along to help, otherwise I couldn't have carried all of this back alone.”

While she stops by to talk, Juza keeps heading for the kitchen to unpack his groceries, only stopping when he realises his roommate is blocking the way. When it becomes apparent Banri has no intention to step aside, a scowl clouds over his face. “Move.”

A corner of Banri's mouth quirks upward. “Or what? You can't touch me, your hands are full.”

“Don't have to. You can stand there if you want, but the Director won't like it.”

Begrudgingly, Banri inches aside just enough for Juza to squeeze through. When he sees the topmost layer of groceries, he makes a small wolf-whistle. “Three bottles of strawberry milk? What d'you think this is, Hyodo, a damn onsen?”

“Ya gonna stand there babblin', or ya gonna make yourself useful?”

“Nah, I'm good.”

“Oh, Banri? Since you're already in the kitchen, and you're not doing anything,” the Director chimes in, industrial-grade cheerfulness dripping from her every word, “why don't you help me make dinner?”

Itaru snorts. “Curry duty? Ouch. I'll press F for you later.”

“Actually, tonight is sweet and sour pork. I got a deal on bell peppers, but they have to be eaten quickly,” she tells him, before calling out to Banri: “You can start by washing and chopping them, by the way.”

“The Currian chooses not to make curry?” If Yuki's eyebrows rose any higher, they'd completely disappear behind his fringe. “Did you hit your head on the door coming in?”

“I'm sorry, we can have curry tomorrow if that's what you want,” the Director smiles sweetly, and Itaru wonders if this is what she's like in the office. He tries picturing her giving instructions to her juniors and suggestions to her superiors, all in that inhumanly saccharine tone of voice. The mental image alone gives him the chills. “Oh! How's your role study, Yuki?”

“Eh, it's a work in progress.” He pauses, eyeing her with a slight squint. Oh, no, Itaru thinks, here we go again. “But now that you're here, why don't you tell me what you think a crush is like?”

“Me? I haven't had a crush since…” her voice trails off. She walks to the kitchen, places her groceries on the counter, and starts unpacking them alongside Juza. “I don't remember. What I do remember is that when you've fallen in love with someone, you want them to be happy. You remember the little things they like and don't like, because there's no feeling like seeing them smile and knowing it's because of you, or something you did. If they're happy, you're happy. But if they're upset about something, then you feel bad too, even if it wasn't your fault.”

Yuki hums a wordless acknowledgement, face scrunched in thought. “And you?”

Silence. After a few seconds, Juza looks up from the cabinet he is currently stuffing with raw pasta. “…Me?”

“Yeah, dumbass. Who else?” Banri snorts. “Oi, gimme the pineapple. I can't find it in this mess.”

“Didn't get any.”

“What, so we're making sweet and sour pork without pineapple? Who eats sweet and sour pork without—” Realisation dawns in his eyes. He blinks, as if startled, glances at the Director, and looks away again. “Oh. Huh. Well, that's interesting.”

“Whatcha talkin' 'bout, Settsu?”

“None of your business. Now answer the damn question already so we can cook in peace.”

“We ain't cooking, you are,” Juza points out. “An' I dunno.”

“You don't know?” Yuki presses impatiently. “Or you're not telling?”

“Dunno. Never had a crush.”

“Tch. Of course you've never liked anyone. All you like is cake.”

Itaru nods comprehendingly, shooting up in his seat. ”Banri's got a point, you know, the cake does kind of give it away. Bet you also like dragons.”

“Wait,” Yuki interjects, “what's cake got to do with anything?”

“You don't know?” Itaru twists to face the boy completely. “Aw, man. I thought you of all people would know. Do you like cake?”

“What does it matter?”

“C'mon, it's just a yes or no question!”

“They're OK? I'm not that big on sweets, but I like the really pretty cakes. Especially the ones with edible flowers on top.”

“The real question is,” Banri looks up from the cutting board and points the knife at Yuki, “would you rather fall in love or eat cake?”

“What kinda stupid question is that?” Juza mutters, still playing grocery Tetris with the cabinet and therefore completely missing the death glare Banri sends his way.

“Shut your cakehole, nobody asked you.”

Yuki's brows furrow, and Itaru notices his eyes flickering to Juza before he settles on a reply. “If I had to choose, I guess I'd choose cake. Having a crush sounds so exhausting. Besides, I know what cake's like, so I know what I'm getting myself into.”

Itaru claps his hands together, triumphant. “See? Congratulations, you're Team Cake! Don't worry about the dragons, we'll get there when you’re ready.”

“But what does any of it have to do with—you know what, forget it.” Yuki throws his hands into the air, mere millimetres away from clocking Itaru's head. “I should've asked someone who knows what they're talking about. You guys are hopeless.” With that, he turns on his heels and makes his exit, presumably off to interview the next hapless sap to cross his path.

“Good luck!” the Director calls out.

Itaru shakes his head. “And here I thought we'd get more affinity points than that,” he mutters. “Talk about being hard to please.”

“Don't blame him, it is a tough subject to crack,” she points out. “Oh, does that mean you're free right now? In that case, can you please make some rice while I get the pork ready?”

“Welp. Is this a mandatory quest?” She nods, and he sighs, slowly stretching to his feet and pocketing his phone. “All right. But you owe me cake. All this talk's got me craving a slice.”

“I'll grab you some tomorrow, how's that sound?”

Banri's head snaps up again. “Hey, if he gets cake for helping, then how come I don't?”

“You don't even like cake,” Juza grumbles.

“I’m just sayin’, it ain’t fair. And don’t pretend you don’t want some.”

She reaches past them to grab the packet of pork on the table and laughs. “All you had to do was ask. You know what? I'll get you cake. Both of you.” She pauses to scratch her chin. “Come to think about it, maybe I should just get a nice big cake for everyone to share. I've got a feeling we're all gonna need it come tomorrow.”

#a3! #yuki rurikawa #itaru chigasaki #homare arisugawa #banri settsu #juza hyodo #izumi tachibana #sort of. it's actually my kyoko but i kept her unnamed here #you can tell she's a liiiittle different from canon tachibana #but it doesn't matter here i guess #did. did i just write and post my first a3! fic. #...it's 2020. lots of weirder stuff happened. #happy asexual awareness week folks #that's what i was thinking about last night when this... happened #ari's stuff #ari writes #(imagine being so hyped about your writing you forgot to tag it as your writing) #kyoko tachibana #might as well i guess

[potatopossums]

Do u ever feel so lonely that u can't even breathe?

I sit here and question my whole identity when it happens bc I've seen aromantic ppl talk about things that feel like the exact opposite of me, and i just wonder, you know? I wonder if I'm lying to myself but i also don't feel like i am. I know that talking to aromantic people and reading others' experiences has felt genuinely connecting, I've felt like someone put to words what i was feeling. It may not always align, but i do feel seen and heard and represented. I feel like talking to aro people about my feelings is so much easier than talking to allo people because aro people get what I'm saying, they don't sit there and tell me I'm simping for someone or that i just need to find a partner. They hear me and don't think there's anything wrong with me. And that's why I see myself as aro, even though sometimes my actions and feelings can seem really romantic. My identity means a lot to me, it keeps me afloat, it keeps me recognizing what it is I'm truly after, and that's affection, touch, safety, connection, trust. None of those things are inherently romantic and i don't want them to ever be for me. And that's all that matters.

I get so upset about it bc i have like 3 super close friends. 2 are alloromantic, and 1 is aromantic. All 3 of them have been there for me thru a lot in my life, and i really want to share my life with them somehow. But i feel at such a loss to do that. I feel like my allo friends have different (romantic) plans, and i feel like my aro friend doesn't see me ever actually being in their life (for distance reasons). I feel so stretched thin between all these things, trying to be reasonable about my friends and their needs and their situations. But I'm also feeling so empty and devoid of energy. I don't feel connected. I feel like my problems are impossible to them. I feel like they don't have the energy to spare for me. I feel really scared and alone so much of the time. I don't feel connected to my friends a lot of the time, and i don't think bringing this up will help. They're already doing the best they can under the circumstances of the pandemic and their own rough lives. And yet, i still feel drained and unsupported. And it hurts me so much. Bc when they do reach out to me, ofc I'm happy to hear from them — ofc I'm wanting to reconnect and start things back up right where they left off. But that never happens. Ever. The closeness never continues. It always seems to fade away yet again. And I'm so confused. I feel like it will always happen this way. I try so hard to feel important to them, to feel wanted and cared about and seen, even worried about. And nothing i do seems to make a difference, not because they don't care, but more likely because they just can't do anything else either.

I really am hating this whole situation so much.

I woke up sobbing today. First thing in the morning. I haven't really been able to stop crying since. I don't feel ready to tackle the world.

I don't have anyone to come check in on me. I don't have anyone i can call to come hug me, nobody i feel comfortable asking. I feel really alone and stuck. And i know when any of them text I'll just jump right back into another cycle of this. And i just want to turn off my phone so i can't even see their messages. So i can get used to not hearing from them. So it doesn't hurt as badly. Because something has to change. I feel like I'm suffocating because I'm crying so hard for someone to fucking see me, hold me. And nobody will. I just want to share things with them, and i can't even do that without feeling unseen. I can't connect anymore. It hurts. So much. And i need the connection. But i can't get it.

I genuinely feel like a rotting tree, already fallen down in the forest. Frozen, unmoving, decaying slowly, feeling every little cell death. And nobody cares to stop it. Nobody cares to help me. Because everyone else is already struggling.

I seriously hate this.

#depression #severe depression #sadness #loneliness #hopelessness #friendship #abandonment #pandemic depression #aromantic #queer #agender #alterous #affection #social needs #unmet needs

[smol-grey-tea]

I was gonna write the romo attraction thing today but honestly i dont feel like doing it bc im just rlly upset about smth that im sure a lot of ppl can relate to

So my irl friend groups are very... well they dont know much about these kinds of things, i had to be a walking encyclopaedia for them about my identities like nb stuff bc they didn't bother to just... look it up.

When i told them i was trans they would say "omg are you actually trans?? I have a trans best friend!!" Yikes

Instead they would ask me to explain it. Which is fine, i kinda hate having to explain for the 5th time that no, using the correct terms and pronouns is not a fucking burden, and that yes, dysphoria is awful and wont just magically go away.

and when i tell them to yk, not use pronouns for me and just use my name instead, not 1 person did that. They just... misgendered me and used she/her when i explicitly told them that it makes me dysphoric. I then told them to use coo/coos/cooself instead bc i quite like it, but they still didnt use it.

Then i gave up and told them to use they/them since it doesnt make me dysphoric even tho i lowkey hate it. They still misgender me but said "they'll try to get used to it". Its not that hard guys what the actual fuck???

Anyway, i was actually going to talk about aspec stuff. So i only told one of them that i was demiromantic demisexual, and they said "wtf is that" which yk is not a nice way to react to someone coming out, but i have thick skin so i just explained it bc again they couldnt bother to search it, and they said "ok ig" and changed the subject when i wanted to explain my attraction???? I've never had anyone that i could talk to about my complicated feelings with being aspec and just when i thought i could i was shut down.

I thought it was over and done with, until they started to... ignore my fucking identity??? Which i would say is way more important and personal to me than my bisexuality??? They never did any of that bs with my bisexuality probably bc they were pansexual themself, but jfc is it that hard to not make jokes about me being horny or having a crush or joking about setting me up on blind dates??? It legit made me so uncomfortable and i have no idea what to say.

Bc remember, they didnt exactly respect my pronouns and kept using gendered terms to refer to me even more after i came out??? I swear it feels like its on purpose every time they called me a girl but whatever

Istg they forgot that im demi bc they keep making these jokes and ignoring that i dont feel sexual or romantic attraction like that and keep acting as if i want to date ppl or fuck them when i say they look pretty??? I spent way too fucking long mistaking my aesthetic attraction for sexual for ppl to once again reinforce this idea and im done with it. Please for the love of god stop it.

I said i liked wilbur and thought he was rlly cute and they then proceeded to, you guessed it, act like im in love with him or that i want to fuck him. First of all, hes a real person on the internet that i do not know, 2nd of all, fucking eww, and 3rd of all, hes a whole ass adult and we r both in high school. Yikes again.

Ofc i didnt tell them these things and just said that i dont like him that way and just thought he was pretty and nothing else. They completely ignored this and thought i was just embarrassed or smth or that i was in denial. Yikes again again.

So yeah. The only lesson i learned is to never come out as aspec to anyone irl ever again. Tbh i kinda want to tell them that im not bi and that i dont feel any kind of attraction. It would be a lie but christ i wish they would stop. They can validate my bisexuality but not my nb or aspec identities? I knew that queer sexualities were more normalized now which is awesome but why cant they do that for trans ppl or aspecs? Why does it have to stop there?

Sorry for venting like this but i thought this might be relatable for yall. Ive never had the experience of feeling "broken" bc of any of my identities, im very confident in them. I just wish other ppl other than my online friends would feel the same.

Also sorry for delaying the romo attraction thingy i just rlly dont feel like it rn. Idk when i will write it but hopefully if i feel better i will finish it today

There's no pressure to write it up dude it's cool :) whenever you're ready ❤

And those ppl do not sound like good friends- idk exactly how old you are but ik I'm older, and I can tell you for certain that you will find better friends one day. It's guaranteed :) they don't deserve your friendship and I am glad to validate and help you in any way you need ❤❤

Yee I've never felt broken either! I think an element of that is that I thought I was allo for a very long time? But on the other hand I was bullied in my childhood for not having attraction so idk why that hasn't manifested into a phobia of romance but eh I'm better off this way whether it makes sense or not.

It makes me happy as well cuz a lot of ppl in the community seem very pessimistic abt how we're treated but it's nice to know that not all of us feel broken cuz the 2 of us are living examples of that :)

But unfortunately yeah, your experiences above are things many ppl can relate to. I'm sure almost everyone can remember a time where they came out to someone and weren't met with good responses,,

Let this be a reminder that this is not right and we deserve more support for something so personal. Even if you don't understand someone's identity that doesn't give you the right to dismiss or ignore them. Our identities are very important and personal to us and supporting them is basic respect.

#my post #ask #long post #lgbtq #aspec #aroace #aroacespec #non binary #transgender #neutralitea #transphobia tw #aphobia tw #acephobia tw #arophobia tw #swearing cw

[aromagni]

Change Through the Aro Renaissance (Carnival of Aros, September 2020)

I have both witnessed and participated in many changes of the aro community.  I remember being a baby aroace in 2015 and mostly lurking as I followed many aro and ace blogs.  Back then, it seemed the aro community was mostly the aroace community, more linked to ace, not yet having developed its own identity.  I remember trying to find more ways to engage in the aro community and stumbling upon aroplane, which was an aro forum before arocalypse, but I think it was inactive and I’d looked for forums during the absence between the two.  After lurking and solidifying my confidence in my identity, I’d kinda drifted away from actively participating in the community at all for a little while, so I’m not particularly aware what happened in between; I’m vaguely aware the arocalypse forums were created in 2016, but it seems in my absence from the community in 2016-2017, much of what had been there had become lost, presumably decimated by the tolls of exclusionary discourse.

In 2018, I was in college where I could be more outwardly queer, and I started seeking out community more.  On one hand, engaging with college queer organization made me want to bring more visibility to ace and aro things, especially aro….during this time, I met many alloro aces who I couldn’t relate to, which started pushing me towards centering my aro identity more.  I remember wanting aro-spec awareness week recognized at my college and in trying to do so, realized the arospecawarenessweek tumblr had become inactive, for they had not updated the date that year.  I started following more aro tumblr blogs and joined the forums and then joined an aro discord server that spring, and that was when I started to truly engage in the aro community.

It was exhilarating interacting with other aros, both on discord and then how we carried that over to tumblr.  I fondly remember the coining of arogender and subsequently developing the flag for it.  We all followed and reblogged from eachother and it made it energizing to engage in the community because we could feel confident that the effort we put forth to create things would not be wasted, because our content was shared amongst ourselves in our tiny community.  Many of us blogging starting then had not really participated in the aro community before; many of us were my age, late high school to early college student aged, treading into actively participating in community for the first time, and thus our knowledge of our history and our terminology was distorted by time and viewed by the remaining crumb trails on the internet.

This was the time when our community was reborn, reborn from the ashes of the discourse and created into something new, a more independent aro community brighter than we’d ever been before: This was the aro renaissance.  In fact, “aro renaissance” is part of the blog title we used when we made aromantic-official in May 2018.  I’d had the idea because I noticed most of the older modded aro blogs of old had become dormant, and it would be good to have some sort of group ensuring the continuation of events like Aro-spec awareness week and maintaining resources like a glossary.  At the time, we were thinking small in the context of a tumblr blog, but it was a start.

I remember around December 2018, many flags were made.  There was the blue-orange aroace flag and shortly after I made an aroace flag of my own, and then an a-spec flag, and then there were other a-spec flags too I think; we were wanting to differentiate between a-spec, an umbrella term encompassing both aro-spec and ace-spec, from aroace, a specific identity indicating being both aro and ace at the same time...though there’s still some confusion between the two in terms of flag usage still.  Shortly after, there was also an aro allo flag made, and the allosexual aro community grew as a more distinct established component of the aro community; no longer was the aro community solely an aroace community, we had become an independent aro community.

In late January 2019 I’d went to the Creating Change conference, where there was the first ever aro & ace hospitality suite and I interacted with other a-spec activists, including people from the fairly newly named TAAAP (The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project).  It was refreshing seeing the advancement of aro activism as more than just a subset of ace, and interesting to see the development of activism out in more the “real” world rather than just on my corner of the internet.  I remember then hearing how they were planning to host the first carnival of aros (inspired by the longer-running carnival of aces), and since then it has been nice having carnival of aros to foster discussion of many aro topics.

I remember that first carnival of aros coinciding with a lot of clashing between the aro and ace communities, sparked even more by the specific topic of the month relating aro and ace communities.  I think we, the aro community, were frustrated at being ignored.  The ace community had continued to grow and gain recognition and visibility, while claiming to represent us as well but in a way that was more a misrepresentation, depicting aro as a subset of ace, thus further erasing the reality of our experiences.  We were frustrated and bitter, often justifiably so; even I as an aroace was frustrated with the ace communities treatment of aros at that point, and I know many aro allos were even more upset.  I think we were also still less sure footed, with our community still establishing-itself, so as a result were more defensive and scrambling for anything we could claim as our own, often misguided by the often incomplete or misinformed scraps of posts around different words and such.  (In hindsight I think there were some inaccuracies in my first carnival of aros post that february, but it was an accurate look at what we were frustrated and upset about at the time).

I remember also that February more was done to celebrate ASAW than had been in years previous, though it was still small.  I also remember some divisiveness between the aroace and aro allo sides of the aro community, which caused an unfortunate binary which subsequently emphasized the need for terminology of aros who were neither asexual nor allosexual, thus many discussions about “non-SAM” aros, and other words for that concept.  I think that continued well into that summer.

Speaking of that summer, in June 2019 AUREA was launched!  This one wasn’t started by me, but naturally I ended up pulled into doing more aro activism stuff.  AUREA (Aromantic-spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy) has wonderful resources including a comprehensive glossary with links (both original and archived) to sources and some flags, and also has various research and lists of other aro-inclusive orgs, including local ones.  We also publish multiple articles a month, including a “What’s Going On” article at the start of each month covering what’s going on in the aro community, and then other articles about various topics.  AUREA is everything I’d wanted when originally making the aromantic-official blog, but is so much more than I thought to hope for.  We collaborated with other activists and made ASAW 2020 even bigger than before, and we also launched an aro census, and just so many different cool projects.  It’s so cool having a good comprehensive centralized aro resource like AUREA and just having a specifically aro activism organization focusing on aro issues specifically, not just having aro included under aro & ace groups.  I’m really proud of what we’ve been able to do and what we continue to do.

I feel like in the last year since AUREA has been formed, the aro community feels a lot more solidified and stable, like we’ve finally concretely established ourselves as an independent entity to be recognized.  And even though we’re more solidified, we’re still growing and creating and innovating, there’s still this wonderful energy and motivation which we continue to grow with.  Some other things have happened this year, in April 2020 we had to kinda scramble to keep the arocalypse forums going, and now I’m a mod there too because I don’t seem to know how to not be involved in things, especially because I vehemently care about seeing them continued.  (Why is it always spring? 3 springs in a row I’ve gotten involved in big ongoing aro projects like that).  Then June 2020, TAAAP pride chats started and have continued every month, which is a really cool opportunity for people from the a-spec community, both ace and aro, to gather to discuss various topics, and also to interact with various a-spec activists.  

It’s been really fascinating watching and helping to aro community grow over the past few years, and I feel like I’ve grown with it.  Through my activism, I’ve learned a lot about what I am good at and how I can work well in a team, which has helped me gain a lot of confidence about things where in-person experiences had made me lose confidence.  It’s also kinda wild when I think about the scale of it all; the aro, and also ace, communities are really fairly small, such that it’s not hard to end up doing this activism on a national or international scale.  I never really set out to be an activist, I just wanted to get involved and cared about improving things and have lots of ideas, so I kept doing things, and now I look at what I’ve done and realize that huh this is activism, I am an activist, and probably a rather prominent aro activist at that.  It’s weird especially compared to how extremely ineffective I feel I’ve been at doing any sort of activism at my college, to then think of what I’ve managed to help accomplish on an international scale online.  I feel inspired by the changes, the growth of the aro community, and I look forward to helping it grow even more.

#carnival of aros #aromantic #actually aromantic #aurea #aro community #aro activism #my post #magni’s thoughts #long post #not particularly organized/is kinda word vomit but many thoughts and is done so