#but i know i have moments where i don’t think and jsut do

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

ONOT THE NEXT ONE “BETTER THAN WE FOUND” IT LAST PART I’M NOT READY BUT I SO AM

Ngl tho better than we found it is kinda a nice last title it has an air of lightness to it

.

it better hecking be reflected in this episode if it ends on a cliffhanger or angsty note i’ma lose it

okay here we go

(s4 special pt 4 spoilers ahead)

STARTING IT UP HECK BREAKS I’M JUST SITTING HERE

OOP

MK COMPASSION COMING THORUGH AGAIN

WELP THAT’S EVERYTING

SHIFU JUST WATCHING IT

OH ITS THE LITTLE GIRL

HI LITTLE GIRL

OH CHANG’E HI LOVE

HAHA PENG TRYING TO DIP

MEI

MEI’S NOT GONNA LET THEM

SHE WANTED TO FIGHT

AHA

AHAHAHAHAHA

TURNING WORDS BACK ON THEM NICE ONE THAT’S FUNNY

HAHA

MEI AND MACAQUE TEAMING UP IS SO GOOD

HELPGN;LDKMDS

JUST CHOMPS HIM UP

YELLOW TUSSKK COME ON BUDDY

SANDY

ABSOLUTE BELOVED

THAT’S NOT REALLY HOW WE ROLL HERE

AWWWW

YESSSSSS

LETSGOOOOOO

THEY FUN

I LOVE THEM

B TEAM MOVE OUT

MK JUST

QUIET

I LOVE HIM

HE’S SO GOOD

HE’S SO KIND

AFTR BEATING THE GRAP OU TO FHIM BUT Y’KNOW

OOP

THEM LOOKING AT WUKONG AS HE GOES PAST HECK

JUST STOP

HECK DUDE

I PUT YOU IN THE UNDERWORLD MYSELF?

HE WAS DEAD?

OH SHOOT

OHHHH

YEAH SOME OTHER THING HAPPENIGN

CACKLES

OKAY

YEAH RIP DUDE JSUT RELAX

IS HE GONNA DIE MAKING IT BETTER?

PROBABLY HUH

YEAH I GET THE FEELING WHOEVRE THIS IS IS AFTER YOU MK

OH YEAH THERE HE GOES

WUKONG STOPPING HIM

HECK DUDE

WHY DO YOU LOOK SURPRISED SHIFU

OH WOW HE’S

HECKING DISINGTERGRATING

YEAH OKAY BYE BUD

I’M

I DON’T REALLY FEEL SUPER BAD FOR YOU BUT

OH HECK UH

WHATS THAT WHO’S TAKING IT

IS THAT THE JADE EMPERORSPOWER YEAH

UH

SO WHO’S GONNA HANG ON TO THAT

OH NEZHA TRYING TO GOT THIS

I DONT’ THINK YOU WILL BUD

UH WHAT ARE THOSE CHAINS

HECK DUDE

oh nice hair tang  very fluffy we love that

OOP

TANG U GOT THIS

YES FRIEND GROUP POWER OF FRIENDSHIP MOMETN SURE YES

AND YELLOW TUUUUSK ILY

YEAHYEAH WE KNEW MAC WOULD HELP

ARE THEY GONNA LOCK THE JADE EMPERORS PWOER AWAY?

OH WOW NEZHA NICE

BRO

NICELY DONE

FFM IS NOT DESTROYED TAT’S AWSOME

HAHAHGHDFJKSDAF

UYEAH CHECK ON HIM ITS THE LAD

OH MAN DUDES BEEN THROUGH IT

HELPGN;LDSKFMAE

ILY ILY YOU PIGSY

ILY SM

DADSY REAL

TANG CALM DOWNG;LSKMF

SANDYGDS;FKAMGWEFIMAWF

MAAAAN

THEY SURE ARE FAMBLY MOMENT

GO ASK BUDDAH NEZHA

YOUR’E GONNA GT ATTACKED BY WHOEVER WANTED AZURE OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE

SEASON 5 IS TERRIFYING ME RN

ngl compared to the lbd one so far this felt a little anticlimactic and i porbably just jinxed myself but i dont care. that one also had 3 seasons of build up tho so… yeah hjGKL;SJADF MK THO

DANG

HELPGMSDFK

PUSHING WUKONG AWAY YUP

GOOD MOVE NEZHA

DESERVED

RED SON RED SON RED SON RED SON

OH THEY ARRESTED HIM HUH

AWWWWW

WELP

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING HIM MAN

JADE EMP IS DEAD

WHERE’S THE FUN IN TAHT

ALL THAT

SO LONG AS WE LEAVE THE WORLD IN BETTER SHAPE THEN WE FOUND IT… THEN ITS ALL GOOD RIGHT?

MK’S INJURED GET HIM TO THE HOSPITAL

AND UH

OKAY WHERE’S THE OTHER BOOT DROPPING

I LOVE THEM SM

THEY ALL SO FANCY

HUG

SIDE HUG

.

HELPGN;DSAFKLMAWE

BEACH DAY

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

I’M WAITIN FOR THE BOOT DROP BUT I’M IGNORING IT NOW I HAVE TO APPRECAITE ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW

THE SHIRT

THE HAT

THE SUNGLASSES

THE SHORTS

HE’S THE UNCLE THAT JUST GOT BACK FROM PICKIGN UP THE SNACKS

THE MEI MK AND RED SON, THE WAY RED SON’S STANDING, TANG WITH HIS UMBRELLA DBK AND PRINCESS IRON FAN STYLIN PIGSY IS THE DAD AT THE BBQ I’M GONNA CRY

PLEASE TANG’S FIT I’M CRYINGNS;LDKFM;AOWEF

NEXT FRAME MEI WITH THE WATER GUN RED SONGHL;KFAJ;OWIEMFASFD MK DECKED OUT IN SWIMMING GEAR I’M CRYING

PLEASE PRINCES IRON FAN PLAYING VOLLYBALL WITH THEM I’M SCREAMING

MEI LOOKS LIKE A DUDEBRO GAL I KNOW AND I’M LIVING FOR IT RED SON’S FACE PLEASELKMGOASDF I NEED THESE ALL FRAMED

PLS SANDY GETTING BURRIED TANG CARVING HIS MUSCLES OUT OF SAND PIGSY GIVING HIM A DRINK MO DECKED OUT IN SAND GEAR, RED SON’S SUNGLASSES ON A SAND SNOWMAN AND LOOKING ANNOYED ABOUT IT MK’S SMILE I’MGN;LSDKFM

I’M SCREAMING NEXT FRAME IS DBK AND SWK THE DADS FISHING THE BROS FISHING TOGETHER I’MGN;LSDFMAOWFIMSADF

SUNSCREEN

BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD

YOU’RE GETTING SO SUNBURNED

SUNSCREEN NEEDS TO ABSORB FIRSTN;LDKMSD

yeah that’s parent energy

.

i didn’t know sunscreen needed to absorb first-

OKAY MOVING ON G;LSDFNAB;OGAI;WEOFIM

PIGSY IS SUCH A DAD

UYUP THATS HOW WE ROLL

you don’t understand the moment i’m having here with MACAQUE AND HIS PINK SHIRT AND YELLOW PANTS AND PROBABLY LOW HANGING TANK TOP I’ SCREAMIGNDF;LAMEF;OAIWEN;OIAFM

“cute” WOW WHAT AN ANGLE

art for this show is so nice tho m a n

this is gonna make me cry

Wukong with his

overdramatic sarcasm

and Macaque just seeming kinda tired

and

hECK LEAVE IT A LTTEL BETTER THAN YOU FOUND IT

HECKING

PEACH POPSICLE

NOT THE SAME BUT

SO FMAILAR

THAT CAN BE A TOMORROW PORBLEM

MACAQUE DOESNT’ QUITE SMILE BUT

WOW HE SURE DOES PLOP HIMSELF DOWN RIGHT NEXT TO WUKONG

MAN

MK IS SO SUNBURNED

HE IS SO SUNBURNED

RIP MY DUDE

RED SON SOAKED AND THERE’S A FISH IN HIS HAT

I’M SO SAD WE DIDN’T GET TO HEAR HIS VOICE BUT I LOVE THAT THEY UNCLED HIM HAVING FUN WITH THE DUO THEY ARE EVERYHTIGN TO ME

OKAY YES, OTHER SHOE, HIT ME WITH IT

OKAY WHO THESE GUYS

WHO’S THE PARTY

WHATCHA DOIN

K

KAY IS THAT IT??

REALLY THAT’S ALL YOU GIVE US??

FINEEEEE FINE OKAY

I’M FINE

.

all in all i actually really enjoyed that special like  A LOT

give me like two days and i’ll process what i saw in pt 3 and

ehre and

there

and everywhere

actually i kinda enjoy how vague it is 10/10 the montage of them on the beach hanging is so nice Mk applying sunscreen is so cute he’s so good he’s so fast I love how wukong’s Shifu energy of just like cause mk is monkey like him so its “yeah that’s how we roll” n stuff

Macaque’s style is killing me

Wukong’s is just dad

Macaque’s is just

I don’t even know how to categorize it and i’m okay with that

WELL

JADE EMPERORS DEAD

AZURE’S DEAD

PENG STILL OUT THERE

YELLOW TUSK IS ARRESTED

MK IS MONKEY

MACAQUE IS VIBIN WITH THE CREW

WUKONG IS BETTER AT COMMUNCIATING

I’M CURIOUS IF THEY EVEN HAVE HIM HAVE THE SAME POWER LEVEL AS MK

OKAY

UH

THAT WAS ALL A BLUR

I NEED TO WATCH IT SIX MORE TIMES HAVE A GOOD ONE

KNOX OUT

#knox rambles #knox reacts #Monkie kid season 4 special spoilers #lmk s4 special spoilers #Monkie kid season 4 special #lmk s4 special #WELL #this reaction feels shorter than my others but its okay #I REALLY DID ENJOY IT SO MUCH #HECK #I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF NOW THAT ITS OVER Y'KNOW? #I NEED LIKE A GOOD WEEK TO PROCESS EVERYTHING #HOPE Y'ALL DOING WELL I'M GONNA GO BRAINROT ABOUT POSSIBLE AMV'S I CAN DO NOW

[moonchildstyles]

Angel is soooo so so in love with her man. Like he ain’t even do nothing bruh he just be laying there in his bed with her and she’s all over him just 😚😚😚 kissing kissing kissingggggg him and it gets even worse cus it would make him smile and so his dimple shows and UGH she can’t control her self so so so so soooooo many kisses placed on his dimple and he’s like “what ya doin to me little girl?” And shes “I” kiss “just” kiss “love” kiss “you” kiss “soooo so so so” kiss kiss kiss “much” kiss and he’s thriving. And it gets to the point where she’s so wrapped around him trying to pull her self closer to him that not even one part of her body is touching the mattress anymore like she’s fully laying on him as her mattress ksksjajajw but he’s never been happier, just holding her and brushing her hair back after she buried her face in his neck. But she starts getting a little whiny and soooo so so restless. Like can’t hold still in one position for more then 30 seconds. And finally he’s like “what’s wrong Angel?” And she’s just “hmmp :((“ sooooo pouty and soooooo whiney and “can’t get close enough. Want you closer” and he laughs cus “baby you’re literally laying on top of me right now?” And she’s tugging on him trying to pull him impossibly closer and “s’ not enough:((“ and he runs his thumb over her pouty bottom lip and “put that away hm? Don’t like seeing ya sad” and shes “but daddy” soooooooo so so whiny and hes fuck like that instantly made him 🧱 and gave him an idea too so he’s like “wanna try something?” And shes “hm?” And hes “remember on our trip? On the balcony?” And shes “yeah but…I’m too sleepy tonight :(“ and hes “no no,” kissing her head “don’t wanna fuck you while you’re sleepy silly” and now shes 🤨 confused and “oh. What do you mean then?” And he’s “remember, when I just stayed in you? Didn’t move?” and she’s Instantly nodding her head, knowing where he’s going with this “yes, yes please I wanna do that please please daddy can we do that.” And hes 😭 course we can my sweet girl and it’s just so so soooooo soft and she stays laying on him and it’s just so :( sweet and cuddly and :((( she’s satisfied with how close they are now :( and he’s just being so sweet on her :( kissing her head and playing with her hair and rubbing her back so much that she just can’t help but fall asleep :( with him still in her 😭😭

STOOOPPPPP:( she really does love him sosososoos much I can def see her just kissing all over his face one night just because she loves him so much and the need to cuddle him is so strong and mushy that shes all over him but its just not enough so she gets a bit whiny and pouty and h thinks shes so cute but hes holding her steady for a moment to keep her from squirming and "whats wrong hm? can't get comfortable" and shes like no:( not close enough:( and he smiles at her like baby youre literally laying on me wdym????? and she jsut shakes her head and nooooo its not enough:( all pouty and hes running his thumb over her lip and pushing it back and "put that away angel no need to pout over this okay?" and the "but daddy" she gives him literally sets him off bc oh....Oh......OH!!!!! and shes just still so squirmy and now hes probably not helping much w how hard hes getting but omf ur right it would take him back to being on the terrace in Barcelona and "remember on the last day ov our holiday honey? on the balcony?" and shes looking at him like not tonight h:( too tired:( and he just kisses her like ofc not tonight sweetheart but remember when we cuddled afterward and you kept me warm? kept me inside for a little and the way her eyes get big and omg!!! yes!!! can we do that???? daddy thats perfect!!!!!! and ofc hes all kissing her and laughing w her before hes tugging down his pants and pushing her panties to the side and tucking himself inside and the way she sighs and finally relaxes into him its sooooo perfect like he wouldn't have it any other way and hes just talking to her an petting her hair and shes telling him how much better she feels now before shes just out w his cock inside :(

#anon #ask #aster inspo #concept

[piastriblogging]

yukierre get married in vegas

they do it as a joke but also they’re super drunk and just like the karaoke everyone encourages them bcs it’s good content like ilies vlogs the whole thing but the footage is subpar and they all believe that thing that’s like it’s not actually a real wedding

except it is and they find out after abu dhabi and laugh about and then a few hrs later yuki has pierre cornered somewhere and says something nonchalantly about annulment and pierre avoids him for the whole winter break

it’s easier, if he avoids him, to pretend yuki really wanted to marry him. or that he doesn’t exist, whichever is less painful at any given moment in time.

AND IT SUCKS ESPECIALLY bcs hed convinced yuki to move TO milan, FINALLY. and alpine keeps trying to get him to move closer to their HQ and he keeps saying no and they keep saying at least france and he keeps saying no…. but…

anyways it’s stupid of him to think he can avoid this and his friends tell him so but he can’t help it he just keeps thinking if he doesn’t see yuki then yuki can’t tell him he doesn’t actually want him in any ways that’s emotionally real and he just. he can’t. not now.

and he can’t avoid yuki forever because they’re best friends and legally married in the united states and live in the same city that’s only so big so running into each other is inevitable

i’m imagining a scenario where they run into each other and yuki talks pierre into going to some sort of cafe or something. idk. 😐 i’ve never been to italy. but they talk and get coffee and it’s very awkward until yuki is just like you cannot avoid me, you tell me to move to milan and then you don’t even hang out with me i thought we were joking about the whole not inviting me to your house thing. and pierre can’t rlly say anything except sorry bcs he doesn’t want to lie… but it’s fine bcs it’s yuki and he’s got no clue why pierre is being so weird and he’s been busy so he’s jsut like. DONT do it again 😠😤

and the rest of brunch is good and fun and then when they’re about to part, yuki is like oh also we should take care of the annulment before the season starts, nyck knows someone who knows a lawyer who can take care of it all for us and pierre feeling like shit just nods

at the end of the day pierre will do whatever it takes to get yuki’s eyes on him, hands on him, attention on him. he always wants more but he’s also a good catholic boy and will take what he’s given. he goes to confession and tells the father he’s been greedy and selfish and he says fifteen hail marys and leaves €300 in the donation bucket and tells himself he will not make this a problem anymore

if they would just idk have sex about it they would be fine but they WONT bcs yuki likes to play hard to get and pierre is so catholic it’s killing him.

actually i’m starting to think this is maybe 100 degrees off from actual pierre characterization bcs tbh he does often go for what he wants. but i feel like it might be different w yuki where he’s been messing around about it for so long that to make it serious is to risk their entire friendship. like chasing instagram models is easy bcs there’s always another instagram model. but yuki is the only yuki he has.

anyways after the annulment pierre goes back to flirting w yuki 24/7 ala 2022 and it’s whiplash from ignoring him practically all winter but like. he’s got nothing to lose there’s nothing between them they fucked and they got married and now they’re not married and not fucking

i’ve thought about it too hard and lost the original plot of the movie but anyways ensue an insane year of pierre desiring yuki carnally and yuki being still mostly passive but probably actually more responsive than before bcs like. babes they got married so…

blah blah blah idk idk idk they have insane sex blah blah blah talk about feelings yada yada tada happy ending ????

#tbh i have no grasp on character here. like this is not at all making any sense. i don’t really care. #idk what i did here #i ALSO wrote this high but it was saturday MORNING #just s things waking up at 7 am writing up whatever the fuck this is in the longest twt thread ever #and then going back to bed and forgetting all about it #actually i think he’s just going to have a lot of lustful and intense sex w yuki #and pretend he doesn’t deeply desire making an honest man out of him #mine #yukierre

[whitetrashjj]

I don’t think pope was a bad friend for letting JJ take the fall, especially since he didn’t ask him to. What I’m thinking is Pope is smart. He knows he can’t convince JJ to not do it, and he would know if he tried they’d both look guilty and what JJ did would be for nothing. I also think he knows it’ll be worse for him then for JJ, not say JJ would have it easy but, pope would face mare more serious consequences.

And I also get the feeling JJ has done something similar before, maybe not for anything so extreme, but I can’t image it being the first time JJ took the blame for something.

But most of all, I fully believe every adult in that situation knew it wasn’t JJ or at the very least thought it wasn’t just him. There’s no way they missed how Pope reacted. They just chose to take the easy way out, go with the kid who’s admitting to it, who no one would be surprised about if he did do it, even if it’s clear he’s actually innocent.

Okay so the ‘especially because he didn’t ask him too’ is so triggering too me because I hate when JJ is begging the pogues to be on his side and JJ brings this up to Pope and popes like ‘I didn’t even ask you to do that’ as if that makes a difference when he literally let him.

Pope would face more serious consequences… more serious that JJ getting the shit beat out him and having to owe $40k when his family are destitute? I get that it would mess up Popes future prospects for sure but… without collage it’s not like Pope has no options. You cannot tell me that the Heyward’s struggle anything close to the Maybank’s and Routledge’s. And Pope’s the ‘smart one’ but he literally did it? Should he not have to face the consequences of that. I get that Topper and Rafe fucked him up and he deserves to be angry about that. But if you are going to get revenge, deal with the consequences of that I guess.

I think my issue with it. And look I’m not trying to hate on pope because I understand why he did it. But JJ did it because that’s the only future he sees for himself. That’s what was modeled for him that’s what everyone tells him is going to happen to him. So JJ is convinced he’s going no where but jail, he doesn’t have a future to fuck up. We see again glimpses of JJ willing to throw away his life for his friends, willing to die in a shoot out for John b, trying to break John b out of jail, and this enforces more that JJ will do anything because he’s not good for anything else, that if he can help his friends well atleast he’s going to jail for a good reason not jsut because he’s a fuck up like his dad. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy if you will.

So JJ puts his hand up, takes the hit, a felony on his record - which will make his already pretty bleak prospects even worse - because who’s going hire a felon. Compared to Pope who may lose his scholarship but there’s other ways for him to get to collage. If he couldn’t get into collage because of it, well he’s family has a successful business he could take over and he is very smart so he has other options. Not as good but still good.

Again. I get why Pope did it, he was looking at a hopeless situation and JJ gave him and out. JJ insisted. But when JJ volunteered he was saying ‘I’ve got nothing to lose but you do. I’m going to end up in jail with no prospects anyway’ and Pope letting him do it essentially confirmed that to JJ. It was in a way saying to JJ. That yes Popes future is more important than his. It enforces this idea to JJ that he’s going no where and he should just throw away his life to sacrifice for his friends. I’m not saying JJ would change any thing and I’m not saying it necessarily makes Pope a bad friend because of it. But I do think this moment is far more tragic for JJ that it’s often perceived as and JJ’s self sacrificing tendencies shouldn’t be something that is indulged or encouraged.

This is really making me think of the bike scene in 3x05 but I don’t wanna distract from this point so I won’t get into it. (Someone send me an ask about it)

#lara answers #obx #jj maybank

[unofficial-sean]

Life kinda, like, passes you by so quickly. Once moment a college student is popping your cherry--you can’t really feel your body, it’ll ass tingly and light headed--and now you’re approaching your mid-twenties and the gravity of everything sets in; the finite nature of life, the warped film of time and memories, and latent nature of firsts.

When I was 17, I dreamed of where I’d be now, but where I am is so far off the mark. I can’t even bottom, i don’t have a place of my own, my career is fragmented, and worse of all, I’m so alone in this struggle.Not only did I fail to achieve my goals, I’ve become a different person; alien to who I was when all I could thin about was getting railed and moving out of my small hometown.

Not that those were good admirations, but I’ve just completely lost sight of who I wanted to be. I’m so lost and there’s no guidance. As loathe as I was to accepting it, I had so many resources in high school. There were people there willing to help if i just had the wisdom to accept it. But now here I am.

in three months, I’ll be 24. Another year passed and I have still not achieved my goals. They’re not even possible, now. And that should be fine, but part of me still wants that. Part of me still wants to get railed and have people over and live a more risky life. But all I can do now is top at best. Maybe I work some job. Gets me enough to survive and pay for my ROV research on the weekends. That’s all I have left.

I recognized that working for the Army was soul sucking,and so I’ve got multiple interviews in the private sectors for electronics work. But I jsut know it won’t give me purpose.

Everyone says “be yourself and you’ll find your people.’ But when I do that, I’m always alone. If I go out to the ocean with my ROV, who will saunter on up and take interest? How to I meet my people when all I do is solitary? I fantasize that someone asks what I’m doing, and I explain that I’m observing sharks, and they get interested, and I show them how to use the ROV controller, and l et them explore and focus on the marine life that catches their eye, and we form a friendship. But in reality, everyone on the shore is focused on their own things.

There is no guide anymore. There are no resources. I can’t figure out which side of me people like, and I can’t even get brief sexual gratification anymore.It seems whoever I am, personally, professionally, romantically, and sexually, is so undesirable. Even though I’m being myself. I fell so stuck.

I can’t stop crying. The life i wanted was robbed from me,and the best i can do with my circumstance is not good enough. I don’t have the personality of a dominant top. I’m a subby bottom that can’t bottom. I like myself shaved and lithe but toned. And that’ fine for a bottom, but not for a top. I can’t fit any space. I’m just this malformed creature,

N one wants to talk with me. N one matches my passion. I don't’ even care if it’s unrelated to my interests. I can spill about all there is to know about sharks, and I’ll never meet someone with that same spark for anything. Am I overwhelming? Am I dry? None of this shit gets spilled when I talk to people; it should come up when I  talk to my therapist, but my therapist is only available for one hour every two weeks. She’s never there when I need her most.

It’s not your responsibility to comfort me. My therapist would likely just tell me to focus on myself or whatever. I’ve been doing that. All the advice there is to give, I’ve heard.

I don’t think I’m inadequate. Inherently, I like myself. If I could clone myself, we’d get alone. But I really struggle to understand why other people don’t seems to like me. Whether it’s at a glace, after an interaction, or after months of friendship. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I never get an answer.,. I get ghosted. I get left to pick up the pieces and form my own conclusions. All that’s ever done is force me to be harsh to myself; to self criticize; to pick myself apart before I can put myself back together.

I’m not perfect. I struggle to understand socialization. I can’t tell wish face people want to see. I’m too afraid to make compliments or advances because I can’t tell if what I’m saying is charming or harassment. When I keep to myself, no one gets in. When I push too far, I’m reprimanded. I long for a space where the words I say are not taken with such dire nature.

I want to be soft. I wanted to be feminine and womanly. And maybe i still can. But how many people really, truly want a feminine person to top them? How many people want to truly put  up with infodumping and the sensitivities of an autistic person? What can I even do to form connections when my messages are never read?

There is no guide. No help. I could have died today, and I’d have died without ever knowing a woman’s touch. Without ever feeling that delicacy. I’ve had men, sure, but that I’ve never felt; not intimately. I could have left this world without ever having touched a shark. Or left being a research paper. The only person who’d really miss me is my dad, And he doesn’t really know who I am.

I make my intent known and I wait. but how much waiting must i do before I recognize the reality and let it go? I am who I am. And I’m going to sleep.

[onyxolay]

Hey so I’m taking a slight brake From the Monster memory series/Fic to give y’all some well deserved Archie x Calvin fluff stuff! So to y’all that like this ship, Here ya go!

Okay so; Before we begin this story takes place back when Archie was king, Just letting y’all know.

As the Arch-illager Sat on his throne the Orb was stood up next to him, “you know.. that Calvin is becoming A…” “A what?” Archie responded confused, the Sentence from the orb came out of know where. “A distraction…” Archie whipped his head around fast looking at the Orb. “I beg your Pardon???” “You heard me, You Keep thinking about him And fantasizing about him, And let’s not mention what I saw last night!”

“You’ve been looking through my thought-?!”

“That is Irrelevant to this conversation Arch-illager…My point is I think you should ban him form your court-“ “NO!” Archie spat back, “Calvin is to good! At his job! His looks his personality! He’s-!”

“Ahem…Arch-illager, Who the hell are you Arguing with?”

Archie stood there wide eyed As he looked down at The Evoker who had just caught him arguing with the Orb; it was Walda. “H-how long have you been there?!” “Welllll long enough to hear you talking- sorry, Arguing, with a glowing rock.” Archie looked at her dumbfounded at what she just called the Orb, he(Archie) whispered the Orb: “should I- Shoukd I just execute her..? I mean she did jsut offend you pretty badly there-“ “no..” the orb whispered back, “Keep her…She will he is full down the road…” “but-“ “just trust me…”

“Ahem! Arch-illager your majesty, are you okay?”

“Y-yes I’m fine..you are dismissed!”

Walda leaves and Archie sighs. “So like I said…” “I am NOT Firing Calvin From my court! He is too good at his job! It would be catastrophic to loose him!” “It would he Catastrophic to YOU, if he was gone…” “Well-! No-! I-!” Archie sighed, “he’s just…he’s very important to me..These other Servants, these Slaves, that’s all they are…But Calvin…he’s special…I don’t know why, but he makes me the most proud. He can do almost any job in the palace and always does his Job with pride and enthusiasm that Makes me want to go over and kiss him sometimes..! Ahhh but I don’t know how he feels about me…” “so you have a crush on him…” The orb sounded disappointed at the illager, A little mad even. “Well no- I meant Sort of-! I, I haven’t decided yet!”

“Mmm…” “what’s the matter your highness?“ As The Arch-illager starred down at the floor he lifted his head and teleported to Calvin’s room, Witch at the moment was thankfully empty.

“Ummm your highness?! What are you doing?!”

Archie Walked around a little bit and squealed, finding Calvin’s closet. The Orb watched on confused as it was Sat down on the floor against the wall. “Your majesty! What I’m the world has gotten into you?! I know your an attention seeker but geez!” “I am NOT an attentions seeker..!” He said, Pulling One of Calvin’s Hoodies over his body.

“YOUR HIGHNESS PLEASE STOP UNDRESSING IM WATCHING YOU-“

“THEN STOP WATCHING ME YOU PERVERTED ARTIFACT!!!”

“k” O_O;

Archie also slipped on some of Calvin’s sweat pants and Twirled a bit in them,

And almost fell flat on his face in the process-

“Yep…It’s affirmative…Calvin is your favorite..” the Orb said, Vigorously Fustriaghted. “He is Not!” Archie rebutted, “He is simply More privileged in my view than the rest of these scum bags!” If the Orb could face palm, it would have done it. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” “I don’t know!” Archie jumped on Calvin bed and snuggled up on his favorite throw pillow, Meanwhile the Orb rested against the wall, Still on the floor, From across the room. Questioning its Very existence.

Meanwhile Calvin tiredly walked to his room, Ready to rest from a Very Hard working and stress filled day. He opens up his door witch makes the sound of a Soft creak, As he walks into his room, he almost drops his book When his eyes meet his bed. He blushed A bright pink seeing Archie on his bed. Said Bright pink turned into a crimson Red Seeing Archie with His hoodie and Sweat pants on. Calvin’s eyes looked around again, nervous to make eye contact with Adorable king who was laying in his bed at this very moment.

Archie looks Away and then at Calvin again, “I-I just thought your cloths were w-warm…” Archie was also now blushed a crimson red. Calvin sets his book down on his desk, Taking his coat off and hanging it on his desk chair. Archie went wide eyed for a moment, Blushing more as he wasn’t sure what was really happening. Calvin lays down next to him, Laying his arm on the kings side, Putting the covers on them both. “W-what are you doing Calvin..?” “Mmm…I’m tired..I need to sleep..” Archie giggled and smiled looking into Calvin’s Green eyes. “Hehehe! You look so cute with tired eyes…” Calvin blushed again, Pulling yo his blanket to hide his face, “N-not I’m not…” “oh but you are My dear..! Look at you!” Archie cupped the Enchanters face, to witch Calvin pulls Archie in closer to him, Making Archie’s face now at Calvin’s chest, He(Archie) of coursed blushed Harder at this, Given the very short distance between them.

“Haha…” Calvin chuckled, “what’s wrong your highness..?” Archie Looked up from Calvin’s chest. “N-nothing..! Just- The distance-“ “would you like me to be further away?” “No! I-I’m fine with this… really…” Archie yawned as his eyes slowly Shut. Calvin snuggled him close and Blushed hard, Silently squealing that The king, His crush, His everything, Was in his bed, Wearing his cloths, And Sleeping in his bed. Calvin Eventually Calmed down, Cuddling the small king to sleep…

The next morning, Calvin woke up and Looked at The arch-illager, who was snuggled up closely on his chest. The enchanter softly giggled and Gently got up out of the bed and Got his daily outfit on and headed out, Sneaking a kiss to the head and then scurrying away. Later that day Archies black eyes met Calvin’s Green ones and winked, Clavin blushed and went back to his book while the Arch-illager Chuckled. “Ya know Calvin, About last night…We can do that again if you want!” Archie looked at the enchanter smiling, meanwhile Calvin blushed greatly with his face covered by the book he was as reading, Imagining all the stuff they could do together all alone like that.

“Hahaha!” The Arch-illager laughed, “Always So shy, How cute!”

“O-oh hush…” =\\\_\\\=

#minecraft #good stuff #minecraft au #archie #au #minecraft dungeons #cute #rise of the arch illager #arch illager #fluff #lore #lucasolay #outcasts

[honestmouse20]

Having watched some videos and things explaining why people really disliked Crystalized, I can defintatly see where everyone is coming from. The way Lloyd, Harumi, and Garmadon’s ending arcs were treated Do seem disgenious to the arcs they’ve had in previous seasons. Plus the lack of deapth shown from Nya’s sacrafice at the end of seabound does really hurt the weight of that sacrafice. 

However, I still don’t hate the season? maybe I’m jsut hella biased and being a new fan doesn’t help. But for all of the mistakes, every time I watch the season I still end up having fun. I do have to read between the lines a lot, to assume thigns that they didn’t have time to show on screen. Like moments between the ninja where they get used to being a team again after getting Nya back. Or moments after/before that last battle where Lloyd and his father Actually talk. That sort of thing. 

One of the commentaries on the season said that the last season had ‘too many cooks in the kitchen’ when it came to writers/ideas. And i agree with that. There was a Lot going on but there also had to be, you know? The last season of the main line show, with 15 odd seasons of lore and fans behind it. There’s dozens of characters and a big handful of ‘main’ characters too. It would be almost impossible to neatly wrap each of these stories up in a concice way that appeased everyone. While I agree that things could have been handled much better, it certainly isn’t the worst that they could have done either. 

That being said, I may just be looking at this with rose tinted glasses because they brought back my favorite ‘villan’, Garmadon. And I was just too excited in every scene he was in to really think too hard about how weird it was. Also thouhg, I do have to say that things felt no less weird than the very early seasons where the writers were still finding their way around this world. They just had a much larger ball to juggle. 

I’d love to hear what you guys think too, though. I find this all really facinating and I wanna know what people think went well And what they think went wrong with Crystalized.

#not to mention how Beautiful it is #but most people are upset about the plot not the animation so that's not really relevent #d rambles #i have so many thoughts on this season someone talk to me lol #ninjago

[cometcrystal]

there is so much that i think i’m Technically insecure about, but where thinking about it doesn’t really upset me. it’s just kinda frustrating at worst. mostly i just accept it as fact and am neutral about it.

mostly having to do with dating. i think im going to try bumble or something again soon but i dont have high hopes. i’ve only ever had crushes before when i already knew the person well, and i just don’t really Work in a context that BEGINS as romantic

ex. the two dates i’ve been on, i didn’t initiate any physical affection other than a hug at the beginning and end. idk what the bar for first dates is but i think hand holding at the very least is acceptable. those poor girls probably thought i didn’t like them or something. they were great i just didn’t vibe with them. and also it never occurred to me to grab their hands or anything because i didn’t know them that well.

this might also go hand in hand with the “lesbians being afraid of being seen as predatory for feeling attraction” thing, because in the moment, i probably would have felt like that’s too Forward. but it also never occurred to me to begin with. so i probably didn’t super-like those girls in a romantic way or anything. and of course i didn’t; i already know that i don’t develop crushes until i have known someone a while. i thought they were both pretty, funny, and nice, but i had no reason to feel attraction to them because i didn’t Know them.

but i also have to work on being more forward, because the two people i’ve been in love with, when romance was brought up one of them said she had a crush on me before but it went away because i took too long.

i know humans are complicated and whoever i’m meant to be with will come along at some point but i also can’t jsut sit here. but i also don’t think dating apps really work. but i’m also never gonna meet anyone new if i don’t take initiative. but i’m also autistic and have such a hard time socializing already, it’s fucking RARE for me to feel like i vibe with someone fully. i can count on my hand how many times it’s happened in my entire life.

anyway. i just really really want a girlfriend man and im mad about it LMFAOOOO

[whyareyouhere66]

can we just talk about this for a hot second

*ZOMBIES 3 SPOILERS AHEAD*

So- Zombies 3

I will say, I loved the movie. From the characters, to the plot, THE SPECIAL AFFECTS

but there is just one thing I wanna talk about real quick- and that’s A-Spen and Willa.  I was shocked when I realized that they were a cannon couple, cause y’know, it’s a Disney movie. And they’re gay. We love representation (especially cause I jsut found out a-spen is non binary, development in the movie industry is great 👍🏼)

But still, I was really happy to find one of the first and only gay ships I’ve seen in a Disney movie. However, does anyone else think it was a little bit rushed?

Like, where was the chemistry? They really didn’t talk to eachother much until the last 20 minutes of the movie (out of 1 hr and 30 mins) 

In fact, for like half the movie A-Spen thought they were in love with Zed! And Willa was actively trying to kill A-Spen and the other aliens!

It just feels rushed, y’know? I didn’t even realize the possibility of them together until they made that extremely gay eye contact on the mother ship. And then what, they held hands and sang to eachother a bit during the last song?  plus, they’re personalities really don’t mix that well.  but hey, what do I know. I’m single and not even sure if I’m just reading too far into this- my opinion really doesn’t matter much. I think they could be cute together, but the relationship is just kinda missing something.

Take Wyatt and Eliza for example- people started shipping them even before the 3rd movie came out, and they really didn’t have any special interactions during the second movie. (Besides the dance scene, that was cute.)

They just kinda go together, it makes sense. But A-Spen and Willa? There was no buildup, no hints. They didn’t even notice anything themselves until the moment in the mothership- you could tell.

And while A-Spen gave off gay vibes from the beginning, as did Willa- it just all happened so fast. I think they definitely have the potential to be a good couple, they just aren’t there quite yet.  I’m probably gonna rewatch the movie (keep in mind I saw it on the 16th, it’s now the 31st) and the ship will grow on me, but for right now I still think it was too quick. 

Again, anyone who sees this doeant have to take my opinion that seriously, not even I do. This is just something that I noticed about the movie,

Other then that I hope everyone is having/has a great day/night :))

#willa x a-spen #zombies 3 #whyareyouhere66randomshit

[zannolin]

🤩🥺✅ !! -kai

hi kai did you know there are constellations you can see that i'll never see up here and i can see ones up here you'll never see down there but there's still stars we share??? fucking wild

🤩 Who is your favorite character to write?

well for a good long while it has been reliable ole cwilbur. lately i am very excited to give leon and mia more love though because oh wow have i enjoyed what i've gotten to write of them so far <3 (actually the three of them are so fucking similar in so many ways that i die laughing every time i think about it)

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

how do i even describe it. it's like that moment where they're like. you have problems and so do i and nothing in life is easy but i'm still here for you. i still love you. we can do this together if you'll just let me in. maybe i should jsut call it the patented c!crime cigarette scene bc i swear i keep writing it as character a smoking and being emo and character b joining them and being like. i wish you'd stop hurting yourself but i'm not going to leave you alone. i'm explaining this badly. but you get it i think.

✅ What’s something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don’t mean to?

did answer something similar for dee but again i will point to the patented c!crime cigarette scene. i have a feeling it will persist in spirit with leon in future fics. i've already got one outlined for the werewolf au it's truly funny i just write one fic over and over and over. i am a one trick pony.

ask game.

#answered asks #faebriel

[broken-balance-baby]

thank you @ishwaris for tagging me <3 <3 <3 this is for the wip a few days back but i jsut felt like doing it right now, enjoy this rapunzel au snippet !

tagging: @swearingcactus @icannotsit @kbysh-kds

“Not so confident about your efficiency.” Ajay pushed his hand off him.

“Don’t you underestimate us.” Amita hissed, glaring at him. “You may be an American but that doesn’t make you better than us. How else could you have been caught?”

She had a point there.

“Brother, please, we need all the support we can get. If it means one more soldier, it’d be an honor.” Sabal said, free hand resting at the hem of his shirt. “We’ll provide you with anything you need. Housing, supplies, medicine… Whatever Rabi has certainly won’t be enough for you.”

He didn’t really know how to react to this, knitting his eyebrows together as Amita pulled Sabal away from his shoulder and began to talk behind him. It was silence and whispers for a moment, then, Amita turned on her heel. He thought about it. He thought about the way this would benefit him; pros and cons listed somewhere in the back of his mind as he stepped closer within their range.

Pro number one: if he gets this right, he could have Sabal wrapped around his finger like he already seems to have.

Con number one: Amita doesn’t seem to budge as easily as Sabal does.

He had to take her down with him too.

“Like I said. I’m not confident with your efficiency.” Ajay said. “I know what I’m in on this for, what about you?”

“We’re looking for a future to Kyrat—”

“I wasn’t talking to you.” Ajay looked at Amita.

Amita stifled at the question. But she crossed her arms and stared back at Ajay. Then she said: “I’m trying to look for justice for the women and children who suffered under Min’s regime.”

“And you think I could help bring justice to them?” Ajay asked.

“I want proof that you can.”

“With the help of supplies… weapons that are gonna be useful,” Ajay muttered as he started to think of himself. Sabal seemed to quirk his head at that, while Amita kept her arms folded in waiting. Ajay pulled the strings to make it tighter and tried with, “It only takes a little while before they notice the plane coming down in South Kyrat. What would you do if I left midway?”

Amita’s eyes widened, then she scoffed, “Nothing is stopping you. We’ll need your hands for a bit and then you can fuck off to whichever part of America your mother brought you to.”

“And if you go back to where you started before all this? What then, are you gonna say to that?” Ajay reached behind him, pulling out the gun. “It only took this and a few outposts. I bet your soldiers can’t remember to count to ten when trying to set off a grenade. Go on, say as much as you need to,” I dare you, he thought.

Amita’s fists seemed to ball up against that. She held her breath for a moment, then let out a sharp exhale, and as Sabal tried to reach out to her shoulder she pushed it away and glared back at Ajay.

“Proof, or you’re not one of us.” She said, stiffly.

#wrt.txt #rapunzel au

[epic-sorcerer]

Arthur for the character ask, please

Thank you :D @tolkienlockian

Also this turned into a huge rant bc I was feeling hangry when I wrote this and I can’t talk about Arthur without talking about hwo incompetent the writers are. So uh get ready

First impression: he’s a dick obviously. Super annoying. Classic rich white boy who says “do you know who my ✨ FATHER ✨ is???” But he has this way about him that’s sort of…lessens the edge? I think it’s bc Arthur is framed as young and ignorant, so the viewer assumes taht Arthur will grow into the exact opposite of how he appears now. So when he is saying or doing something bigoted, yes it does hurt, but there is a sort of optimism there. But the general feeling of “ugh this shit again I have it suffer through before he changes”

Impression now: Arthur didn’t change much :/ at least not enough in my opinion. I genuinely think season one is the best bc of this reason. Because there are amazing moments where Arthur saves Merlin’s life and shows humility and genuine sense of justice, regardless of their religion(case in point, mordred episode). And it feels like it’s all thrown away in favor of the writers keeping him in his rich white boy persona. At least in season one, it makes sense for Arthur’s development to eb and flow a bit, but thsi is far too extreme for a satisfying narrative to happen the whole show. One step forward, two steps back. I honestly feel that if Arthur was a real person, he would have grown so much. And so I often feel like I don’t know Arthur at all, bc it seams like it’s my responsibility to pick and chose what is actually “cannon” based on what I think is probable in my opinion. Witch sucks, bc I dotn feel like I really have an impression on Arthur as a character, and more of a sense of confusion. I often end up cherrypicking the most optimistic spin on Arthur, bc I want to believe what Merlin believes as a veiwer who is supposed to root for the main character and his cause. I feel like there is a general divide among the fandom about hwat is cannon aboht arthit and what isn’t, and it’s confusing and sort of frustrating.

Favorite moment: I’d have to say favorite moment is when Arthur comforted Merlin after freya died. It shows this side of Arthur that I want to see much more of. It’s suprizing as it is heartwarming when Arthur showed so much emotional intelligence wheb he knew Merlin was upset. THIS. THIS should be why Arthur deserves Merlin’s devotion. Not jsut merlins blissful fantasies of a world where merlisn not scared of Arthur one day wanting him dead. I’m sorry Am I getting too dark? But anyways, the best part was that it was successful. Merlin smiled and laughed. He got a moment of happiness to distract him from his grief.

Idea for a story: Arthur learns about Merlin’s magic in the dragon lord ep. Think about it. Arthur overhears Merlin’s conversation with his father before he died, Arthur stays quiet about it all the way back home bc he’s so completely stunned. And it gives him ample time to thing about things, especially bc Merlin probably wouldn’t want to talk much anyway. Even though Arthur’s pretty oblivious, I think he’d know that this really isn’t the time for bringing more drama into this about merljnscmagic. When Merlin is preparing Arthur for his battle w kilgara, Merlin picks up a sword and Arthur sees how determined Merlin is and alwyas was. And Arthur tells Merlin that he knows about Merlin’s power and that he’s literally their only hope. Dragon fight same as before BUT Arthur is secretly consious during wheb melrin sends away kilgara. Boom. Done. Not only dose Arthur know about Merlin’s magic, but it is done in the most charitable way possible. Merlin will only be shown in his best and most compassionate light, showing Arthur taht Merlin is the same Merlin he alwyas was.

Unpopular option: framing Arthur getting body shamed and being told to eat less is very bad actually and I genuinely don’t care how horrible he is to be around. No one deserves that and it’s sick it was portrayed as ok to young kids watching. Same to when Merlin sexually harassed him in the aithusia episode. A lot of wierd noncon shit happens to Arthur and it’s fucking sick. No wonder he’s such a bitch to be around.

Favorate relationship: merthur, although idk if anyones suprized. It’s hard not to love the pairing tbh. Too biseuxal to not love em

Favorite headcanon: definitely dyslexic!arthur, although @tolkienlockian definitely knows that by now lol. I would go on a huge rant about it but I already started a thred so I won’t

#ask #Tolkienlockian #Tw angry #Tw vent #Merlin #bbc merlin #Merlin bbc

[partyswirl]

just holding the pedal not playing any notes just holding the pedal and hearing the notes like bleed out does serieous forbidden fruit shit to me like i’ll have the pedal held down and i’ll turn the page and i know where i have to go but like i just wait a second and sometimes i just keep waiting until it’s almost silence like that little high ringing sound that gets left behind. and sometimes i just like wait after that. but usually i jsut like keep going but it’s like my life just flashed before my eyes. especially when it’s like a tension note like it sounds weird it has like a. is this a word im gonna make up a word it has a cacophonic quality. like i’ll be in the middle of the page and the temptation is there to just stop. and whatever illusion of music the song was making just stops and it just fades away. it’s like watching sand fall through an hourglass. it’s like after you spill something, the split second you just watch it, and you could just watch it seep in the carpet. like you shouldn’t but you could. you shouldn’t it would be pointless but it’s like so weirdly beautiful. you could just stand there and watch. you’re losing the beautiful sound, you’re losing your momentum, not just in the piece but like you lose your semblance of normalcy. you lose the peace you carefully set up with your daily routines and obligations. you don’t have to do anything, you don’t have to go anywhere. everything could just end slowly, you could just be standing here, living this moment forever. you always have the choice. thinking about the choice keeps you frozen, watching as the food coloring seeps into your carpet until it spreads and reaches your sock, listening as the music loses its composure, becoming a mess and then becoming nothing. is this how a deer in headlights feels

#looks around. who said that #i didnt mean to write this long what am i on aboutt 🐁 #anyway guysss i prommy im not crazy. im normalposting. ok? #hey. dont cry. i know wjat it’s liek to watch the sunrise but the sun just doesnt come up and it just stays dark forever. #i knwo that’s not what youre going through i just wanted to say something crazy. can i have a few dollars from your wallet #rambles

[mothidocandart]

I am a very gullible person.

whatever others tell me, I’ll believe if pushed at least 3 times. My dad once suggested a tuna can could be somehow opened with your teeth, so I energetically tried to do so. Every opinionated post online rapidly shapes my perception of the world. It is so bad that it shapes my opinions on political events. I forget to check links. I forget to check facts.

sometimes I find myself thinking that if I had been pushed just a little bit more, I could have been the most elegant girl you ever saw. I could have been everything my mother wanted and more, the Christian my grandparents expected of me, and a comforting presence to my classmates rather than an oddity. I can see myself as beautiful in the mirror, brimming with confidence and ready to snap up whatever gender roles handed to me the way I will confidently do physical labor for someone I barely know. And yet.

my little 7-year old self, desperate for validation and friendship, who ran on all fours when the group of girls told them to, who believed their mother when she said if I kept mispronouncing “Egyptian” they’d place a curse on me, somehow found the gall to do the exact opposite of what they had been told their entire life and went around, demanding that people call them “Adam” and begging their mother for a haircut. And even as I remained gullible, snapping up whatever lies given to me like a marshmallow in a self-control study, somehow I grew up rebellious. I had classmates tell me I was a girl, had my parents tell me I was a girl (probably), had my grandparents tell me I was a girl, and so on and so on and still kicked and screamed and fought against any attempts by people to classify me as such. I wouldn’t sit at girls tables at lunch in the 4th grade. I refused to step into the girls section at clothing stores for years and years. Wearing dresses made me uncomfortable to the point of distress. I’d proudly tell anyone and everyone that I wasn’t a girl- I didn’t know what I was, but I sure as hell wasn’t that.

the only time I ever tried to convince people otherwise was when I was convinced I had to be a radical feminist (again, under the influence of another person) and thought that maybe you had to be a girl to do that. Not that it changed my mind at all. I just hid it, until I couldn’t stand it.

the other thing I’ve realized, is that I feel nothing for feminity, except on trans people. Something in my mind remains unimpressed by the most fabulous representations of gender roles, like impressive skirts, and idk, being a mother, but the moment someone who isn’t expected to do it, who has been told their entire life NOT to do it, does it, I feel like jumping in the air for joy. Our lives are what we make them! I don’t have half the elegance they do, because what point is elegance if it is not made in rebellion? As a non-binary person growing up in the year of our outrageous disaster 2023, I feel silly trying to explain or ask for my identity to be respected. perhaps this is another example of my gullibility- all the anti-trans rhetoric lately convincing me that somehow my identity is more of a joke or something to be laughed at and not taken seriously than something I’ve been defined by nearly my entire life. I keep asking myself where the rebellion came from, and how I can get it back. I wouldn’t shine brightly as a girl, because I’d jsut be pretending.

#Trans #afab #transgender #idk why I felt the need to write this #Anyways shout to trans people!! You all rock

[letterfromajax]

still having a. Moment

Apparently Sputnik ii and Laika returned home, but bc the thermal insulation was damaged during the launch and also it was originally a one way trip both of them burned up upon reentering earth’s atmosphere and that’s still rlly sad and it makes me very upset to think about how we will probably never know the nature of her death but also I can’t help but wonder if that would make any difference you know? Whether she died of poison or overheating, peacefully or painfully it doesn’t rlly make a huge difference… I think it would be nice to have the peace of mind knowing that she passed peacefully and not scared she was a 3 y/o stray and despite all efforts the trainers and scientists involved in the project all felt a deep connection to the dogs in the program and I think that says a lot abt people and their nature like they loved her in some capacity, more than they thought they would have and did and years later her trainer says that she feels so much regret over having done that bc they didn’t learn enough from the mission to justify doing that to Laika and I’m just…. This is rlly one of those things where u can’t like balance it out into this or that bc it’s rlly a combination of a lot of things and somehow that makes me frustrated bc like I want to be mad at those people and say they’re bad people for doing this but I can’t.. what they did wasn’t right at least in my opinion and knowing what we know now it wasn’t worth it and i know if they had known that the mission wouldn’t provide a significant amount of data they wouldn’t do it and it’s sad to think that their love was not enough to save her but the fact still remains that they love her and she is still loved and that makes me rlly emotional like 60 years later and there are people who only know of laika from reading her story and they mourn her and grieve for her and love her and are angry for her even tho it’s all been said and done and like she is just so loved even today and she will continue to be loved and mourned 100s of years from now and man……. It’s just also weird bc bad things like this happen a lot at least a lot more often than we are aware of and we don’t know abt a lot of them bc they’re not as big as this and that also makes me really sad that means nobody can love them from our distance in time and I’m rlly sleepy and I’m just..love is jsut such a universally shared feeling among the living and I’m just….man I’m rlly sad abt laika I love her and she is loved so much and it won’t make it better or right ofc it won’t but k think love makes it all a little easier

#twinkling.txt #passes out

[doomanddread]

the pressure is building beneath my skin. magma boiling under rock. its infuriating in some ways- because i know the stress pressing down, was triggered by my own stupidity. my own jealousy, my own pain, my own inadequacy. and its also just apart of the wave- the pendulum swings one way, and then it swings right back. like tides. its all just coming and going. what goes up must come down. here i am, starting to crumble. i just. want to be understood. just once, just for a moment in my life. to feel truly known. and wanted. and accepted. unjudged. free. but i dont have the strength to do it by myself. im weak. all over. its been 31 years and i still can’t figure out how to be ok with myself. all ive known is myself, and yet. i can’t fucking stand her. i jsut want someone to tell me it will be okay. that im okay. just want someone to see me, truly, and be ok with what they meet. isnt that what everyone wants? isn’t that the goal? then why does everyone seem to find it so easily, and i’m here 3 decades in, still rejected over and over and over, still alone, still so trapped in my own little prison of hurt and wounds? even when i finally, finally get a chance to move ahead, to take one step closer to my dreams so far away, it doesn’t fucking matter. i’m so far behind now, years and dollars and beauty all wasted, all gone, that i will never catch up. I’ll never even get close to where everyone else is. what everyone else has. and they have no fucking idea. no fucking clue how lucky they are. never spare a thought for poor old me, hiding away and locked up, no one even knows the truth anymore. we all pretend my shitty life isn’t shitty, and talk about how she’s getting married or she’s having a baby or he’s dating him, or she’s going there... pretend i’m normal and my life is normal. well its fucking not. and im definitely not. i just want my struggle to recognized. that’s it. i just want my pain noticed. i just want someone to see me. but i’m invisible. ive fine tuned my defenses, ive hand crafted the walls around me. i got hurt once, twice, and that was it. i made sure no one got close enough again. i won’t let them. i know ithey will just hurt me, like they all do. but they don’t try to break in either. they dont care enough to see the fort of fear ive built around myself, dont care enough to do more than knock on the door. why would i ever answer when i know it will just cause me more pain than i’m already in? you dont get me, youll judge me, youll discard me- love is so shallow. So i’ll keep the fortress in my chest strong, ill keep them all out. but the loneliness. its kills me. to be so... misunderstood. i feel like an alien in my house every day. am i even real if no one believes in me? i’m alone. i’m in another universe. can’t have normal dreams when im not normal i guess. i hate that i want it all so badly. i didnt want to the white picket fence. or i havent for along time. i wanted to just be me- and happy. but that’s a paradox. i dont think there is happiness for someone like me. how can an alien ever feel at home somewhere so foreign to them? i crave love, i crave it’s acceptance to heal me, make me strong. because i cant do it. but thats the one thing i will always, always be denied and rejected from- love. i am a creature built for nothing but, and it’s the one thing i’ve never had and never will. my life is just, an ironic punchline. im so broken. everytime i think, im finally ahead, im finally moving... its all meaningless. because the world around me just keeps spinning faster and faster, and im just falling and falling. ill always just be running, scraping by, surviving. im tired. im so tired.