#but i know im annoying ive had many people tell me that every one of my exes has at one point or many times told me i am i have to believe

[sludgeguzzler]

someones really out here lighting fireworks at 2:37am. girl what are you doing

#when im at my moms place i feel like i live in the best most peaceful place ever (despite the lousy neighbours) #but when im at my dads i feel like ive been dropped directly into a storm or something #theres always people walking about during the day and at night theres a lot of people going out to the bars near our building #so a lot of random stuff ends up happening really late at night #its fun in a way but also kind of bothersome?? like the one employee at one of the bars who has built in speakers in his car #and the speakers are like top grade speakers too so when he blasts them at 3am for no reason its EXTRA annoying #at my moms we had the one guy who would spend the whole morning every sunday fixing up his car #and hed put classic metal music loud enough that you could hear from your apartment but bc it wasnt the same top grade speakers the guy #at my dads block has you could only vaguely hear the music echoing so it was actually really nice #to me at least. im sure someone was bothered by it in some way #i really like both neighborhoods though. even though my moms landlord sucks i really like living there #i have. many stories from my dads neighborhood too. funny stories. weird stories. #like the cup filled with mmisterious yellow liquid (i called it schrodingers cup bc you couldnt tell if it was piss or beer unless you #went over to it and sniffed it/tasted it and ofc noones gonna do that) #theres the time i saw some random thing in the grass football field we have near here and went over to it very excitedly #and i was with my partner so i talked to him like ''LOOK DAN A RANDOM EMPTY CHOCOLATES BOX WHATS IT DOING HERE!!!!!'' #and he answered me with ''you know this is probably a marker for some kind of drug dealing'' and i was. very shocked. #hmmm the time i went out with my friends to the suppermarket to buy ingredients for lunch #and we ended up lazying around under some random block and these cats came over to us #and we played with them it was very nice #the time i went out to get coffee with my partner and we sat down in the benches and i picked out a cool bottle cap from the floor...... #im getting really sad reminiscing now. i miss my friends so much. i miss my partner so much..... #((it hasnt been that long since we met we literally went out on saturday but i still MISS THEM bc i love them all so much.........)) #we should go out again this week... maybe i could even go on and outing just me and my partner #we could grab coffee together again..... maybe ill even get coffee instead of panicking and just getting a brownie like the last time... #i dunno. anyways. living the teenage dream. etcetera. sorry this blogs supposed to be exclusively loserposting about my hyperfixations but #i like talking about my life and shit. ill get back to churning out posts about my silly anime men in a little bit i promise. #talk

[brendanbrissonwh0re2]

Tolerate it. (Luke Hughes)

based off the song tolerate it by Taylor Swift.

CW: reader is younger (18)

((( background: Luke and i had met when he first moved to jersey i ran into him at the grocery store... long story short that day started the worst relationship of my life.)))

I woke up to the worst nightmare i have ever had i took one look at luke and it made me relax waking up in the middle of the night and watching luke breathing with his eyes closed always helped me feel better, not many had known about our relationship luke has always told me that people might find it weird that were dating because im so much younger than him but i never cared about our age gape i know luke loves me. He's older than me so he knows more i wont tell anyone about our relationship plus he tells me the fans will hate on us.

((the next morning))

" good morning babe" i say to luke as im cooking egg's he doesn't respond just walks past me. "how was your sleep" i ask, once again no response...

" i gotta go do practice babe, do you mind cleaning up while im gone this place is in a mess" he says "yeah of course i can, have a good practice" "yeah ok" after luke leaves i spend hours cleaning the apartment just so i can please him. i was so excited for today because it was our 1 year anniversary, but he doesn't seem to care too much...

((6:00pm))

I started on dinner, i made luke favorite chicken pasta i used the fancy plates too.

By the time luke gets home it was about 6:30 i stand by the door waiting him " mm babe you made my favorite, but why did you use the fancy plates you know we only use those for special occasions" "luke you're joking right" i say, no way he forgot our anniversary "joking about what?" he responds "luke you forgot about our anniversary" i say in disbelief tears threaten to fall from my waterline "what no babe our anniversary is next month you've got it wrong somehow" " no i don't have it wrong, its today" i say "ok y/n chill no need to get upset just sit down and eat the food, our anniversary is next month,do you really think i would forget something so important" "you're right luke, so how was practice you came home quite late where were you?" “At practice?” He answered with an annoyed questioning tone “practice ran that late?” “YES Y/N PRACTICE RAN THAT LATE” he yells “ok” I respond quietly

After dinner

I was lying in bed while Luke was in the bathroom when I saw a text notification on his phone

From: Ava

Had a great time today ;)

As soon as I read that text my heart dropped

I heard Luke walk out of the bathroom and into his room I quickly throw down his phone with tears spilling out of my eyes. “Woah what’s wrong baby” Luke says with a look of fake concern on his face, “ YOU CHEATER” I yelled through tears. “IVE DONE EVERYTHING FOR YOU LUKE, I COOK FOR YOU, I CLEAN FOR YOU, AND YOU JUST TOLERATE IT” I fully start to cry “y/n what are you talking about, are you ok?” While he’s talking I put on his shoes and head to the front door. “No luke I’m not ok, every time I point out something wrong in our relationship you call me crazy, or say it’s all in my head but it’s not, I knew you were cheating on me” “baby no I’m not cheating on you, what would make you think that?” Luke responds “really Luke if you’re not cheating on me than who is Ava” as soon as I said her name Luke stops and stares at me, he knows he guilty, he knows I’ve caught him. “I’m done Luke” I sigh and open his apartment door to leave.

A/n: this is lowkey bad sry it’s been awhile since I’ve wrote something 😭

#luke hughes blurbs #luke hughes #new jersey devils

[salted-caramel-tea]

What are your thoughts about?

I was gonna try and collect my thoughts coherently before I started talking bu ti cant be bothered doing that so like. about the dream and that one circle of mcyt that just fucking hate them .

actually this is about how I have felt observing the dream space recently.

im uncomfortable?? not with the dream team, I still really love them and I enjoy their content and I do still watch sap naps streams if im awake for them but honestly taking time just to spend time on my f1 blog has been like a weight lifted from my shoulders.

just talking about dtblr, ive seen people trying to make the best of the situation by live-blogging sapnaps streams making jokes spreading positivity for all 3 of them but it doesn't really of much to take away from the pressure of the situation. Every day it seems like some cc somewhere has something to say about dream or George or sapnap and every day we rush over here to discuss it. it almost feels like theres this pressure to perform and to respond to what is being said, we need to discuss everything as a controversy no matter how stupid or insignificant the situation is and we contribute to the snowballing of tiny things that honestly dont need the attention the theyre getting and its tiring to watch. like im at the point where im scrolling past 'did you see what x said' because honestly I dont give a shit I dont give a shit about a cc who spoke to the dteam on discord maybe twice talking about their 'truth' I really dont care .

im genuinely just fed up with the way the creator space and fan spaces behave. Dream posts 'pls talk to me' and creators say 'but that won't get me clout' back to him.

who gives a shit if dreams stole punz girlfriend. who cares if dream sent a dm that might have been considered rude to Sara Simons a fully grown ducking middle aged woman with better things to do than start twitter drama. who gives a shit about sniff having one insignificant negative interaction with dream over a year. none f this is your fucking turret its just airing out high school level petty drama that could easily be fixed with a fucking dm . its pathetic. the way so many creators are going 'I too am a victim' and its 'he sent me a private message I didnt like' who fucking cares. and all of this 'ill stream explaining my story' what story. that he made a joke in bad taste. its performative. they want views they want twitters support they want to seem like theyre on the RIGHT side so theyre just pulling any old story out of their ass to add to the mentality of the mob and make it seem like yes I too hate dream because he is so awful when in reality he was probably just a bit of a twat like a lot of guys in their early 20s are . the only way hes gonna know that he did something that made u annoyed or upset or even mildly fucking miffed in the case of Sara fucking Simons is if you tell him. and we saw that bc 5 mins later shes saying oh its all fine he messaged me . see how fucking easy it is to actually fix these tiny ass issues if you actually have a conversation before launching a hate campaign on twitter dot com . and people going off to run with it and add it to the pile of 'poof' they have. hell ive seen someone saying they appreciate dream saying they want to talk about situations and saying they want to chat with him about an experience they had with one of his friends like what does that have to do with dream actually why not just take the initiative and talk to the actual person involved instead of making dream do it for u. its all just drama mongering

on a more serious note I really dont know how to feel with the whole situation with caiti. George didi fuck up and im not moving from that stance- whatever happened he made her feel uncomfortable and went on the defence instead of prioritising apologising to her for the way she felt about the situation.

what I cat fucking stand is how weirdly this situation has evolved. the initial statement was that he had touched her waist and tickled her and cat didnt like that. THAT CONTACT the touching of her waist was spread across twitter as a sexual assault. which its fucking not and it pisses me off as a victim to see how loosely terms of sex crime are being thrown around bc no matter how uncomfy you are touching your waist is not a sex crime. there was no mention of inappropriate touching actually, just that he had crossed a physical boundary with her and ive already talked about why I can empathise with that delayed reaction in feeling deeply uncomfortable with the situation . so it confused me as to why people on tiktok were spreading misinformation that his hands were down her pants and cat coming out of left field with he was grabbing my tits. because none of that was ever discussed in any of her prior statement and that seems like pertinent information when were discussing sexual assault. and from what ive seen her friends timeline of events dont match up with hers. her timeline of events onset even match up that well with her other comments on the situation and all of it just feels so fucking odd. why do the details change depending on who you ask and when you ask them

but I wasn't there. I dont know what actually happened. having experienced it you automatically hold that understanding towards her despite all the backlash because people blamed me too, they didnt believe me either and you never want to completely dismiss it no matter how weird the story seems because what if. keeping myself in the situation is stretching myself in two different directions where one is dismissing the claims of assault because nothing adds up and the other is she might be like me .

the reaction to caitis initial statement has snowballed extremely out of proportion if u ask me. nobody needs to know everyones personal grievances with dream or George or sapnap and to say that youre sharing these to support victims is a straight lie bc it has nothing to do with victims they receive nothing from your story that he made a bad joke 3 years ago or whatever and everything to do with the fact that you are utilising an opportunity to gain relevancy again and I dont want to partake in their relevancy.

I dont want to partake in any of this fucking drama actually. it's non stop. it's constant. its all over my dash all day every day but maybe its just the ppl im following idc. but I dont want to come back into a community where im going to find myself fighting to justify why I still enjoy the content of some creators while there are other creators receiving less vitriol for breaking the literal fucking law . its exhausting . its been years of it for me .

im not mentally well. I have a lot going on in my family life and I didnt realise how bad things were until I told my work friend I hadn't seen in a while my 'family drama' and she and the assistant manager pulled me aside and said 'im so sorry youre going through that right now are you dealing with everything alright?'. I have my final exams within the next month. I need to pass these to graduate. I have so much that is already causing me stress in my life and so much of the misinformation around the situation is so triggering and untagged and I dont want to log on and see another bout of 'x responds to x' 'x talks about dream' 'x shares thoughts on George situation' . I cant fucking do that right now.

people have called it the cowards way out, bailing at the burden of controversy but im not switching sides. im not deactivating. im not becoming a dranti. I still talk about the dteam i still like the dteam but I cannot force myself to endure other peoples stresses at the time being . thats all ive been thinking about rlly .

[confessions-official]

i feel like im so fundamentally different from everyone else. not in a "quirky omg not like other girls!!" way or whatever or in an edgy teenager way, not like there's anything wrong wiht that we all have our phases but. i've been called weird and strange and odd and every synonym of the words above a million times over my entire life and i've tried so hard to be like everyone else. i've tried time and time again and every single time i just come off as more weird or too much or too little or just too something. i just don't think i can anymore, i give up at this rate. but i've tried so many times. at this rate i just come off as intimidating and i think i'm done trying because it's better than coming off as awkward i guess. im kind of stuck in an infinite loop because i can only be around folks ive known for years to actually feel like i can exist without having to be somebody im not. i cant meet new people because im unapproachable, i hate being approached, and i cant approach people. i cant keep conversations going with folks i dont know or make small talk or greet them or whatever. im completely inapplicable to what most people consider a normal conversation. im generally just so outcast from everybody else and i can't figure out why. i try to observe people and i read article after article and try to look at their vocab and body language n whatnot but i just cant do it right. its like im missing one little piece of it and maybe that's it being natural but it's not like i can do that. i can't just "be myself" either, i've tried and it didn't work out for the better. i'm not a particularly bad person either, nobody's ever come to me to talk about anything of the sort like that and if i had hurt them in some way i apologized and quit doing x thing. i try literally so hard. i fight so desperately and yet all i get over and over nowadays is just "youre scary lol" or something of the sort. it's either that or the same old same old of being considered odd n whatnot. i dont know why but i cant fix it. it's not even my fault but its like im just somehow completely wrong or unacceptable or something. i think i give up on trying. i kind of expect im going to end up alone at some point if i lose like the one person im actually comfortable around but if the only way to get people to like me is to desperately attempt to be someone im not for the millionth time im not going to do that. this is frustrating and annoying and exhausting and i just cant deal with the constant repeats anymore. whats the point in trying to meet new people if they all act the same way about me and never tell me why i come across so out of place. this sucks. i dont know what im expected to do anymore

 

#confession

[fadeintoyou1993]

For this ask -

HOPE ANDREA MIKAELSON AND ELIZABETH JENNA SALTZMAN!!! The only characters to have ever character’d EVER

already did lizzie so hope <3

favorite thing about them: how much of a deeply pathetic loser she actually is like its literally so funny when people write her as someone whos like badass or like doesnt go to therapy because like that is literally not her she goes in canon to therapy every week or so or well she did in s01 but anyways lets not get into THAT lmfaooo but umm yeah so she goes to therapy weekly and she has like plants that she tries really hard to take care of and she bakes like every other day and she like watches.. wait ill conitnue this in the headcanon part so sorry

least favorite thing about them: literally nothing shes the most perfect girl thats ever existed:)

favorite line: when she said Who cares what lizzie saltzman thinks :( because like shes who :(

brOTP: hope and kaleb forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and everrrrrr :) also her and jed :) she would never fvuckinv talk to penelope park STOP trying it. and handon when not romantically. omg also halyssa altho i also ship them romantically :)

OTP: hizzie :) and handon because hope has two hands like landon said :)

nOTP: hosie literally the most disgusting fucking rotted bitch ive ever laid my eyes upon. stupid ship stupid fandom terrible fuckin vibes just rotted disgusted and gutted. i wisgh hope mikaelson had killed that girl so bad my god... hope literally gave josie the only thing that could kill her bc her ass KNOWS she not gonna see that bitch again so shes fine PLUS if she does see her she dies immediately after:)

random headcanon: ok so back to what i was saying before!!! hope like watches the randomest fucking cooking shows there are like she knows all of them and she can rank them by season and she knows so much fucking random shit and random information about the most random things and she like goes to the gym everyday and she like lowkey uses Pinterest and pins a bunch of random workout routines and art tutorials and shit like that like god shes so annoying i love her so much :)oh and shes so autistic actually

unpopular opinion: um i have so many :) i think she actually is a bottom sorry :) i dont think she can flirt either she just says things wholeheartedly because she is an autistic individual and people think shes flirting but shes just like that. she thinks shes really cool doing those one liners and stuff shes like im a hero and so i have to do my one liners :) and thats why landon and lizzie are obsessed w her because shes just like that.

song i associate with them: do you realize?? by the flaming lips

favorite picture of them: this one that she drew:)

send me a character and i'll tell you....

#answered #foreveretherealseviltwin #i miss her so much also .

[pocketofpencils]

Questions for Writers

10000 years late! thank you @calunalilly for tagging me

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

a very modest 19 lol

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

163,620

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Last Tango in Halifax

Happy Valley

Collateral

1 Vigil fic lol

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1: The Equation of Mass. : Caroline/Jane christmas fic. My first ever loooooooong one.

2: I Want You To See Me: Caroline/Gillian. Glasses are annoying, lets kiss about it.

3: Welcome Home: Vigil fic lol First ever thing I published on the internet.. Only 412 o words, thought people would hate it but I still get kudos and bookmarks on it 3 years later lol

4: Brunhilde and the Bastard in the Barn: Catherine/Jane Current WIP/Pain in the arse lol. Getting ready to wrap it up :')

5: Pain and the Passing of time: Caroline/Gillian. First LTIH fic, in first person *gag*. Makes me cringe, but also surprises me that I wrote that!

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try really hard to! My inbox overwhelms me sometimes haha! But I appreciate and read every comment I get! So thank you to the like 2 people who are probably reading this haha.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

It is yet to be written! But I do have a mildly angsty one in mind.. Not a not happy ending.. Just happyish lol

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Equation of Mass I guess. Most Fluffiest

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No! Thankfully. I only write there for fun. Any hate (that isn't warranted of course call me out if I fuck up) would probably make me stop posting haha.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes.. Im a much better smut reader than writer I can tell you that lmao.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I mean at this point I think we have just accepted Jane into the Happy Valley landscape, so much so that its sometimes hard to remember she's plucked straight (or gay ;)) from another show. So I guess almost all of my works are crossovers haha

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

lol hands off my garbage

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Ive had to explain words to my American friends.. does that count?

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I just did my first colab with @calunalilly! I think were going for another..or 1000 <.< lol

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

All the pairings I write for are my faves. i also love Mirandy :')

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Lmao well anything Ive started I always have doubts I will complete. I am (very very slowly) writing my first book...and I have doubts but I am working through them!

16. What are your writing strengths?

I dont really know.. I think jokes? Funny is most important!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

lol Grammar, formatting, imposter syndrome, actually writing lol. All things that I am working on. I also need to plan better to stop writing plot holes lmao. remembering fic is just for fun!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Do what you want bro lol

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Published: Vigil.. I also wrote some unpublished Killing Eve and Doctor Who fics that will never see the light of day as I wrote them by hand (lol) and lost the notebook I wrote them in. So I hope who ever found that notebook enjoyed them lmaoooo

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

ahhhhhh I dont know. I think Year of the Dog was the first one I wrote and was like: "Ok I can do this writing thing".

Everyone I would tag, has already done it so... :)

[firstdivisiongirl]

hi there <3 I’m hoping that you would be able to do a tokyo revengers matchup for me if its still open :)

my name is Samantha <3

my pronouns are she/her!

my personally type is ENFP!

my zodiac sign in virgo!

if i had to say what alignment i am, it would be chaotic neutral LMAO

im 5’7, slightly on the curvy side. i have long-ish, black curly hair and brown eyes. i wear round, black glasses. i have a couple of pierces and tattoos!

if you go on Pinterest and look up “Tumblr aesthetic 2014 grunge” and that is my dream aesthetic if i wasn’t so lazy - i only wear leggings and hoodies…

my favorite anime right now is Tokyo Revengers <3 also slightly obsessed with hazbin hotel and helluva boss

the games that my friends and i have played / play are - Twisted Wonderland and Obey Me

i have one cat and one dog <3

my favorite food is sushi! i also LOVE DR. PEPPER <3333 its like BAD

i feel like i dont have that many hobbies because i work ALOT. my friends say that i am a workaholic :( when Im at work, i basically run around like the world is going to end if that task isn’t done in the next two seconds. i have the mind set of “if you want things done right, you have to do it yourself” - which stresses me out and idk why I am like that HAHA

but when im not working, i love to write for my friends - mostly it will be about whatever fandom that we are into at the moment. (tbh i never end up finishing the stories because i get lazy haha).

my dream goal in life is to write angsty romance novel - like enemies to lovers (which is my FAVORITE TROUPE) and become an author.

as well, I am IN LOVE WITH MUSIC! every year that my Spotify wrap comes out my friends are SHOOK about how many different genres, artist and amount of time i listen to music for. for example, this year i listened to 75 different genres, 2,864 songs and 1,595 different artist!!

my top artist were : Pierce The Viel, Taylor Swift, Chase Atlantic, Rosenfeld, and Fall Out Boy :)

my top songs were : emergency contact, habits, this is why im hot, cardigan, and ceilings <3

my top genres were : pop, pop : indie, pop punk, rap, and alt z (whatever that is LMFAO)

this year i listened to : 32,897 minutes

my favorite thing to do is make playlist based on shows and characters to show my friends about how I feel <3

ive been told that i look very intimidating and mean, but once you get to know me im an uwu baby. that im very down to earth and emotional. but i make friends very easily - considering people have told me even though i look mean but i have an inviting aura which draws them in.

i’m pretty extroverted lol i make friends wherever i go and always see people i know whenever im out

i have a hard time expressing myself verbally. that whenever i try to tell someone how i feel about something, i start to get tongue-tie and stressed and upset. probably cause i feel too much at the same time :( so what i end up doing is just writing out how i feel and showing them (which is kind of rare lol)

but when Im talking about something that i love - Iiget loud LMFAO I start to talk with my hands more than i already do, i start talking very fast. then when i noticed that im doing that, i stop and apologize for being annoying HAHAH

my friends call me a tsundere (only applies with anime characters - not IRL people) because there will be a character that i cannot stand at first and then i will start to slowly like them and be VERY MEAN AND ANGRY ABOUT IT. eventually that character will turn into one of my favorite characters and i love them with all my heart - but will still be mad about it.

but tbh i’m such a hopeless romantic! if we’re dating i love you with all my heart.

my love language are : quality time, physical touch and words of affirmation. i will want to spend all my time with you. i am a very touchy person. words of affirmation is very important to me because i am very self conscious about basically everything about me *sigh* BUT IM TRYING TO WORK ON IT <3

SORRY I FEEL LIKE I WROTE SO MUCH! SORRY IF NONE OF THIS MAKE SENSE LOL

i hope you have an amazing day! stay cool

Hi there. I can’t stay cool because I’m not cool lol. It makes sense and it’s not too much. The more info the easier it is to find your perfect match. Idk how far you are in Tokyo Revengers. Let’s do this and I hope you enjoy.

You Got…

Kokonoi Hajime!!!!

He loves romance. (If you’ve seen season 3 you kind of get it). Love is something he really wants. And when he falls, he falls hard!

He works a lot too, so don’t worry about him getting mad at you.

He is patient and kind of a sweetheart. He wouldn’t get annoyed by your hand talking and getting passionate.

He’s been good friends with Inui (Inupi, Discount Sabo, etc. Boy has so many names lol!!!!), who does express himself much. He’d be able to figure it out and help as much as he could (his solution probably would include money).

He’d tell you he appreciates and loves you as much as he can. He can be a little emotionally constipated. He’ll probably also buy you stuff to show how much he cares.

If you love a character or band, expect lots of merch from him.

He’d love to hear your stories, especially angsty romance. He’s kind of an example angsty romance so…yeah.

I think you two would have similar music tastes and idk why. If he isn’t a Swiftie, I don’t know anything anymore.

#first division girl #tokyo revengers #tokyo rev #tokyo revengers matchups #tokyo revengers matchup #tr matchups #tr matchup #tokyo rev matchup #tokyo rev matchups #character matchup

[honeybeekao]

can u tell me kaoru lore

aight hello hi len everytime im put on the spot i immediately forget anything and everything ive ever known SO

kaoru hakaze; a fail dissertation.

where do i start... i suppose we begin with his family right? why the fuck he's the way he is? suresies that works!

so he's the youngest out of 3 siblings, with an older brother and sister. and his mom died the year before he started high school (wow fun.) his dad owns a huge family business and theyre Pretty wealthy, like rich as hell meet the tenshouin zaibatsu at gatherings.

SO his mom was the most influential person to him i think, at least that's why he seeks affection and validation so much. she was a marine biologist and took him to the aquarium/beach a lot when he was a kid!! he misses her so much :(

his dad's strict and an asshole i will throw him into the sea ANYWAY he doesn't support kaoru in wanting to be an idol, and they constantly argue whenever around eachother. so like during all of his time at yumenosaki, kaoru avoided going home for as long as possible.

he's supposed to take on the business but kaoru Doesnt wanna do that, and won't so <3 thanks rei (encouraged him to strive towards his dream more, even though he was let into UNDEAD under permission to never attend practice and do whatever he pleased. he started showing up at some point and found his footing with it)

I HAVENT READ SUSTAINED MEMORIES but i know he loves and cherishes his older sister, and feels extremely guilty in general about his siblings. since he's allowed to kinda fuck around while they aren't. there's a line i see from a quote bot and the story that makes me lose it

"We took all the trouble to pretty her up, but my sister — she said ‟I'm sorry, Kaoru-chan”... and she started crying, ruining her makeup.

I mean, why was she apologizing to me? Me, who shoved all the heavy burdens onto my big brother and sister and simply just ran away."

he's guilty about running away from the family problems and this brings me over to how he feels guilt!

kaoru's an extreme overthinker. he does it without realizing, but won't really say anything about it.. and he more-or-less shoulders everything on his own because he doesn't wanna burden others with it. he's present, but not entirely and that's why a lot of people can't really read him. he's really carefree, and tries to brighten up every conversation if he can. one of his big skills is being a good conversationalist.. like adonis even asks him for advice on how to talk to people. he's good with people!!! which makes me go crazy because he would help others out even if it was annoying, but he doesn't wanna rely on others. also doesn't like being babied or treated like he can't stand on his own

in 2nd year he dated girls as like his one hobby (feels mean to call it that but it wasn't like he was ever serious. it was his way of seeking validation, while maintaining a simple persona of popularity. then at some point he was like all in love with anzu and decided she was the only person he cared about. he's a tad cringe <3) having this persona of being a playboy who doesn't care about anything was like, a way to set up so many walls. it meant he didn't ever commit to Any close relationships, had no support, and was just generally sad?? he's a sad character but so carefree and loving Sigh. anyway, in 3rd year he starts working towards being a better person. with the help of UNDEAD, and shows hurt when people assume terrible things of him.

he wants to be reliable, wants to be someone people like, and this gets easier as he moves on and comes to terms with things. i'm sure graduation without his mom to cheer him on was rough, but he has friends now!! and a supportive partner in the idol world (him and rei basically both carry tasks in the unit. he expresses that he doesn't want rei doing everything on his own n such because Um. that isn't fair to rei what the hell he's helping whether you like it or not)

i also believe he's aro with a romance fixation because what else screams that than... knowing So Much about dates, but not being able to ever properly fall in love. or explain what it is. in date plan he has a crisis over the fact he actually doesnt understand girls at all despite his history. oh kaoru, i love you sooo much

he has the prettiest hair ever mwah

#kaoru hakaze #im in love with him #lennie 🐻

[imvriix]

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𝔩𝔦𝔟𝔯𝔞𝔯𝔶 𝔠𝔯𝔲𝔰𝔥

featuring + contains ;; — GN! reader x hanma shuji, kisaki, readers a former delinquent.

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⋆*･ﾟ:     :✧*⋆   ･ﾟ

" make yourself useful for once and just pick them up for me. " a stern and annoyed voice vibrated out of the device he held up to his ear. he rolled his eyes, " when i started helping you out, i did it so that i would have fun. not so id run your shitty book errands. "

" you'll get your fun, this is only a one time favour, anyway, " the voice sighs, " i don't have time to pick them up today, and i need them soon. " hanma mutters a fed up whatever as he hangs up on him, undoubtedly moody. he shoves his phone into the pocket of his hoodie, walking up the few steps in front of the library. pushing open the door, the bell chimes as to let you know someone had entered. looking up from your dark fantasy novel, you greet the new face with a welcoming smile.

it wasn't often you'd get new people visiting. it wasn't that the library was failing, it was just that it was normally the same faces coming around to return or borrow a book. as you left behind your obsession of adrenaline, you found yourself spending extra hours in the cosy building. the scent of the fairly old books brought you comfort as the place was overall soft on the eyes. colours of beige, cream white and autumn colours blending together with the wooden shelves with piled up books going from years back, it was simply a nice place to spend your time. and you were getting payed for it too, so there was that.

you were only sixteen, meaning the job was part time, but even on the days and hours you weren't working you couldn't help but pop in every so often.

you redirected your gaze to the printed words of ink on the cream white sheets, turning the page when necessary. you drove out the occasional noises of footsteps and books being taken out their shelves, the bell ringing as people came and left. once you notice someone coming closer to the desk you were at, you put in your bookmark to keep track of the page you were on as you put the book to the side.

you looked up at the person in front of you, blinking at his height as you returned to your senses and gave him a small smile. "i dont think ive seen you here before, are you new to the area? " you ask softly as you take the book and begin to scan it, "nah, im just getting a couple books for a guy i know. im not a big fan of reading. "

" no? there a reason, or is it just not for you? " you carry on leading the conversation with light small talk, which he doesn't seem to mind, " i guess. ive tried getting into it once or twice but i was never able to find something i enjoyed. "

you laugh, " i bet i can name a book you'd like just by looking at you. "

" really? " he asks curiously, tilting his head to the side as he returns your grin, " i mean, you can try. " he offers as you look him up and down, eyes settling at the punishment and sin tattoos on his hands for a while longer than the rest of him as an idea pops into your head, " maybe.. the dawn of the dead? "

" no. "

" you've only heard the title and you're already shutting me down? " you laugh quietly, " i can tell i won't like it. " he announces as you shake your head, " shut up, we have a copy here somewhere. " you say as you get out of your seat, walking towards one of the book cases with him lazily trailing behind you.

you skim the bookshelf as your finger ghosts over the many spines until you find the book you had named, you let out a hum of accomplishment as you find it and gently pull it out of its place. you hold it put towards the taller male as he takes it, flipping it around as he reads the blurb.

".. alright, maybe ill give it a try. " he laughs as you smile proudly, " you won't regret it. its a great book, but its a shame that there's no sequel. " you pout as you remember yourself searching it up in search for one, only for find none. he chuckles to himself whilst noting, " they must really enjoy reading if it upsets them that much. "

"it better be good or ill burn down this library, " he half-joked as you blinked, concerned, " come near here with a lighter and ill knock you to next week, but! its so good that im not worried about a sudden pyromaniac showing up at night. " you poke fun at him as he begins to look even more interested, " id pay to have u try knock me up like you say you will. " he teases as you snicker, " i could if i wanted, rea- "

you're cut off as you instinctively dodge a fist thrown towards your face, you frown, "what was that for?" you ask, annoyed. " so you ain't all talk, huh? "

" i hope you didn't actually mean to knock me out. " you groan as he puts up his hands in mock defeat, " what? you dont trust me? " he asks as you sigh, " ive known you for a little under ten minutes, how would i know? " you answer his question with one of your own as he returns your sigh, yet a shit eating grin was still plastered on his face. " how heartless of you, and to think we were beginning to form a bond. " he places a hand on his heart as you lightly punch his shoulder, " maybe i should've recommended you some cheesy romance instead. "

" follow me, let me get your name down. " you say as you walk back towards your desk, opening a draw and taking out a book as you flipped to the most recent page with an empty name, " aah.. whats your name? " you ask, looking up at him, " hanma shuji. " you nod as you scribble down his name, writing the name of the novel next to it along with the date.

" both of us should get going now, my shifts ended and the libraries meant to be closed in a few minutes. " you say as you begin to gather your few items, putting them in a bag that you hung over your shoulder. he hummed in acknowledgement as the two of you walked out, you locked the door of the library as you turned to him, " well then, bye, hanma! " you wave as you smile and walk away, " bye- " he started as he realised he didn't know your name, " wait!- "

but you had already left. he sighed as he turned, beginning to walk as he saw kisaki coming towards him, " i came myself because you took so long. " he sighed as he looked at the book hanma held, noticing it not being one of the ones he told him to get, " where are the books? " he asks as hanma laughs.

" damn. i forgot. "

"what? " kisaki asks as hanma shrugs, grinning. " i said i forgot. was too busy talking to the librarian. " he said as kisaki stared at him with a mix of disbelief and annoyance, " what, you talking to someone like a normal person? i personally find that hard to believe. " he says.

" nah, they were cool. 'round our age, a fighter. complete nerd, though. pretty cute. " he described as he walked, " what, you mean y/n? " kisaki raises an eyebrow as hanma grins, " so that was their name? "

he carries on thinking to himself as he notices kisaki still being annoyed at him forgetting his stupid books, " alright, alright. ill get you em tomorrow. "

he honestly only said he would go back the next day so that he could talk with you more.

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#hanma shuji #hanma shuji x reader #gender neutral reader x hanma shuji #gender neutral reader x tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers #hanma shuji oneshot #librarian! reader #kisaki tetta #kisaki tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers hanma #the pierrot and the reaper #tokyo revengers manga

[roughentumble]

.

also like im sorry. but the first time i heard the term "landback" and didnt know exactly what it entailed, i googled it, and the first thing i found said that its a term that no one really agrees how it should be enacted, or what it encompasses, or what it could entail precisely.

so yes. if you want to have an effective discussion about land back, you have to specifically talk about the version of it that you have in mind when you're advocating for it. because no one can agree on exactly what it looks like. and its different for every tribe and every area and even then there's still discussion within the tribe. which is fine! but it means there's no clear conversation to be had if youre not specific and you dont explain.

and im for land back!!! in all situations!! all of those different variables, im for all of them!!! but you literally cant be mad when someone says "ive never heard of that before, what would it mean for my daily life". would the laws change? the taxes? we dont trust cops around here, but what would it mean for fire fighter response? what about local government? who would i call for zoning issues, or is that not relevant to me once i've taken part in land back?

these arent malicious questions. these are normal questions to ask about how a massive shift would work. i dont care if youve gone over it with people in the community, people OUTSIDE the community havent heard the discussions. go over it with them so they understand what would happen. I THINK IT SHOULD HAPPEN. IT'S STILL GOOD TO DISCUSS LOGISTICS

god, the same shit happens with complete prison abolition, where people get so annoyed when you ask "what would society look like without prisons and how would we deal with crime and genuine harm done to others?"

they jump to saying "it isnt dealt with now! there's only 1% of rapists in prison, there's only [x]% of abusers, the recidivism rates, the way prison is a den of abuse for the people in it" and like yes i agree with those points. but also no matter what you say, people will hear 1% and go "but 1% is a better chance of being saved if im on the receiving end of extreme violence, than 0% in a system that does nothing". they!!! are always going to go with the devil they know!!! if the alternative is completely in the dark!!!!

"what is the alternative to prisons" is always, in my experience seeing these conversations leak out into public internet discourse, to say "well, there's just so many options, and we're still discussing in the community--" stop. stop. that will never ever ever work. that will never convince anyone.

1) you never stop doing [x social thing] without any solid clearly defined agreed upon plan for the alternative. you just dont. 2) that doesnt encourage anyone to look for more information, it makes it sound like there is no solid alternatives period, 3) just!! say!!! what you think!!!! just say "well there arent any solid plans yet, but i personally like [x method] and [y method]", because that gives people a foothold. that gives them the context to start understanding the argument, the alternative that is being presented, it gives them a broad image of what to picture for a prisonless society and how it might function. that is an archetype WE DONT CURRENTLY HAVE, so you have to paint them a picture so they can start to imagine. so that they have some place to start looking. some concept they can start to research on and expand from there.

most people dont know what a prison-less society or land back looks like. im sorry its annoying to explain it a lot. but they dont know. if you want to do outreach, paint a picture. tell them what it means. get into logistics.

the moment you step outside your community to talk to people outside it, you are doing outreach. so look into how to do it well, how to get people on your side, and how to introduce concepts to people who have never heard of it before.

#ok im done with word vomit.

[qumiiiquinnquin]

i intentionally hide my symptoms of mental illness around you

do you know why

its because i know you will hurt me again if i ever show them again

its because i know you will go back to being physical with me when i frustrate you too much. you'll grab my hands and force them together in a tight grip or you'll slam them against a surface. and you'll raise your voice or yell at me. and you'll think that's the only way that you can snap me out of it. to you there's just no other way to appropriately handle it

its because i know you will once again tell me force-feeding myself is one of the ways i can recover. and you threatened to do it to me once

its because i know you will forcefully drag me out of my hiding place again. you picked me up and carried me out of there. and you proceeded to yell at me. you ignored me saying I wanted to be alone. it looked like you were quickly glancing around the room for something to hit me with. i no longer have a safe space. i force myself to keep from crying around you, and when alone i try to do it as silently as possible

its because i know you will become aggressive towards me again. making annoyed sounds around me, purposefully within earshot, each time you pass me while im having a depressive episode. throwing things at me instead of handing it to me. doing things for me because you think im purposefully refusing to do it myself. sternly saying my name, very quickly escalating to the point of yelling at me if i dont respond the first time. avoiding me and refusing to talk to me or talk to anyone about me

its because i know you will tell me how terrible im being to everyone. telling me im treating people like a disease. telling me im the reason why this family is falling apart. telling me everyone's behavior towards me is justified

its because i know you refuse to believe that i am mentally ill. you think that, and have told me that, im using mental illness as an excuse. you think that im really fine, but purposefully acting the way i am. you purposely change the subject when i talk about my anxieties and depression and my psychiatry appointments. one day, when i had a mental breakdown and was tired of your bullshit and finally snapped at you, you separated yourself from me and refused to talk to me. i apologized and tried to explain, but you refused to listen

you keep claiming you're here for me. but then you dont want to listen to me. you change the subject. you completely ignore me. you get easily frustrated at me and eventually tell me to get over it. that its not that serious. that im overreacting about little things. that i "always do this"

you demand me to tell you whats wrong. but i know you'll treat it like its nothing serious. that its my problem and my problem alone, and i formulated something stupid in my head to the point of overreacting. and ive told you what's bothered me before. you told me "you need to get over it"

you keep saying you always feel bad whenever you "have to" raise your voice or yell at me or become physical with me. yet it keeps happening every time i display symptoms or have an episode

ive had to explain to you so many times. and each time i hope you'll stop treating me like this. the psychiatrist even told you about my attempt. yet this still goes on. and you refused to listen each time

why were you not like this back when i first displayed symptoms of severe depression? you even stopped me from thinking about committing and running away. you brought in your plush and let me cry on it. im still living for you. and for everyone.

but you're making me want to give up.

#vent #to my dad and sibling #long post

[bad-advice-its-very-bad]

tw general mentions of mental health

so i have this friend. let's call them emily. i've known emily for two years now, and they've grown to be one of my closest friends. mostly because we both really struggle with mental health stuff and at that point in my life no one else knew about those struggles. we helped each other through a lot of really crappy stuff and times. the difference is, in those two years, i've gone to, and am still in therapy, and have learned coping skills, have a support system etc etc etc ive tried convincing emily (on numerous occasions) to do the same, but they consistently refuse to do so, and they still pretty much only have me. there's also a ton of other stuff, but i could write a ten page essay about that. pretty much, our friendship, even though it's great feels kind of one-sided where im reaching out and they take weeks or months to respond (if they do at all) and dont really talk to me when we see each other in person and it's just getting really draining emotionally. so a few days ago, i finally make the decision to, well, not cut them off but pretty much tell them i'd had enough and im going to take a break for a while. they responded and pretty much just went straight to the self-deprecation (pretty much im sorry im so worthless and can't even maintain a friendship). and while im just so relieved that i've cut them off, more or less, to some degree, im just so worried since im all they have and if im gone who knows what will happen. so what should i do?

sorry for the long message

hum, that’s a tricky one.

First things first, I’d shove a WHOLE lotta resources on mental health in their messages. I know it may seem like your annoying them, but if it’s that bad they deserve to know there’s helplines and chats and groups that they can turn to. (I suggest vet them before you send them)

Secondly, sometimes it’s hard for people to realize they are allowed to reach out for help. Even if they only think it’s minor or it will take valuable space for others that “ are worst than them” But they have every right to reach out for help, their allowed to go to people with minor issues or major issues. And if you can somehow get that through their head you’ll probably see some improvement.

thirdly, I don’t think they can access traditional in person therapy as it seems. You can never know why, personally for me it’s a whole BIG awful talk about my mental health that I never want to tell my family. And it might be a similar situation with your friend, so unorthodox ways to get that same therapy experience might benefit them alot.

fourthly, you can’t help everyone. Sometimes it’s on them to figure out how to cope and understand how to get better, and even though you love them and care deeply it’s hard to get them to understand that. If you’re worried your friend might be engaging in risky behaviors (S/H, alcoholism, drugs, suicidal behavior, taking too many risks for no apparent reason.)

I suggest trying to talk to them about harm reduction.

fifthly, you being emotionally drained and exhausted by being their therapist friend is totally valid. your friend saying self deprecating things is just a symptom of a bigger problem they have, it's not your fault or anything you need a break from them. if they were in the same situation they would do the same thing, it's hard to manage both your mental health and your friends. I don't blame you for being exhausted, the reason I do this stuff is because I'm exhausted by my own problems and this is a healthy and constructive way to help both you and me. your helping your friend out of love, but also obligation.

I think a good plan to do is.

give your friend a pep talk and show them tons of alternate ways to access therapy that is not in person.

give them helpline information and tell the "I've known you for so long, I'd never try to hurt you. I just want you to know there's options if life gets hard and I'm not around

tell them about harm reduction, and CURB any and all negative connotations about addiction and self harm. if they are suffering the best thing you can do is be accepting and show them ways to safely and also reduce the harm of the addictions/self harm.

tell them if they are being abused. in anyway period, they can trust you to not victim blame or something without knowing the full story. we don't know what's happening with them, but we have to be kind and caring if that's the reason for her mental health. tell them "it was never your fault, you didn't know." or "you were just a kid, it was never you that was the problem but how you were treated. it's okay to be upset or angry, or grieve the life you should have had. that's normal. trust me I'm here for you."

also if the whole abuse thing is a yes, give them tons of abuse helplines. you and I don't know how to go forward with that knowledge but the helplines know how to.

support them and tell them truely why you feel drained (if you Hadn't already.) and tell them you actually care alot about them and this is not an attack or that your mad at them or anything. your overwhelmed too, and you both should feel not overwhelmed. (VERY IMPORTANT, YOU HAVE TO SAY YOUR NOT ANGRY OR ANYTHING. mentally ill people tend to think the worst if you don't say it. be kind and caring, and they should not feel so bad.)

if that doesn't work, I think you yourself should call a helpline and ask about strategies to help your friend. they should know a lot more than both you and me.

thank you for sending an ask in, this has been interesting!

I hope you can figure out a way to help your friend.

if worst comes to worse, I suggest you give your friend character.ai's psychologist's link to your friend. it's better than nothing, and it's surprisingly helped me too. so it might help your friend open up.

here's the link LINK

I hope I was able to provide a push in the right direction, remember this is the BAD advice blog. not everything will work, sometimes we both have to fail a bit to figure out the best way to help people.

#-belle/pop #the bad advice blog #send me anons #mental ill health #mental illness #mental health #answered asks #answered questions #anon #anon ask #asks #anonymous #anonymous asks

[boypussydilf]

sherlock. what is it's gender. what is their deal. speak your trutg

oh dear with the state of my blog its now hard to tell when people walk up to me and say sherlock if they mean dgs sherlock the og or any of the several others ive started talking about. we need to like. color code them. anyway im gonna talk about dgs sherlock bc hes the one im most likely to have proper thoughts on and then probably also do one for mostly just. like. the general concept actually thinking about it i do have many thoughts on Non-DGS Sherlock i dont know why i allowed myself to think i didnt . i just get caught up in the bimbo dad but i like the entire folder hes stored in

dgs first tho <333333

Sexuality Headcanon: gay. Just gay

Gender Headcanon: If i had to make 1 decision. genderfluid <3 Sherlock Holmes (DGS) can fit so much gender in her !!!!!!!!!

A ship I have with said character: *looks at my blog* *looks at my pinned post* um i think you guys know . already. the only one i have . do i need to say it

A BROTP I have with said character: i mean. Iris. they r best friends for real ! they r like the most important people to each other ! they r this guy and their 10 year old daughter who packs peanut butter jelly sandwiches for them !!!

A NOTP I have with said character: im gonna be petty and say vanlock. i blocked the tag bc i got tired of seeing it. actually even moreso i like physically recoil when i see ppl shipping him with ryuu, it fucking. completely baffles me. like. nothing wrong with that. people who ship them aren’t weird in That sense. but theyre weird as in I can’t understand what compels you to do this . i dont like vanlock but i can Understand why people do i just got extra sick of it bc its semi common. i cant understand why people ship sherlock and ryuu. like youve misread the vibe badly. this is not it. oh dear god this just got 5 times as long as all the other sections of this fucking ask meme. power of being slightly annoyed sorry

A random headcanon: UHHHHHHHHHH OH MY GOD . I KNOW i have headcanons abou t this bitch he swarms around in my mind all the time. I am imagining Random Exploits of the DGS Cast on a daily basis where did the fucking Concepts and Ideas go. ill return to this once ive done everything else and see if i havent thought of anything fun by then. ive thought about it some more and my most recent thought on him has been like. she knows some russian and japanese right? actually a fucking lot of russian to be able to read entire newspaper articles but thats besides the point i just think that sherlock knowing several different languages is neat but, Like. its pure chance if she ever manages to learn enough to be able to …. use it. once every several months sherlock will get really really excited about a new foreign language and put in like 2 weeks of work before forgetting about it completely. he has the vocabulary of a very young toddler in half a dozen different languages and is remembering those vocabularies by sheer luck

General Opinion over said character: Im normal iam normal normal im normal and regular . im normal and im normal about him and i dont intend to put him under a microscope or anything. i am not putting him in a little plastic box and shaking him to find out what happens . *extends my hand ibuprofen style* who wants to speculate about dgs in hyperspecific ways with me. hello my like 3 dgs followers do you have thoughts on sherlock holmes. tell them to me. lets all be normal. Anyway uh hes funny

IVE GOTTEN THAT BITCH OUT OF THE WAY LETS TALK ABOUT …… im not even sure. The General Concept of Sherlock Holmes on a Wide Scale, which, like, ultimately probably just boils down to: acd holmes. time to get philosophical with it. thats not the right word.

Sexuality Headcanon: sherlock is either gay or aroace or some more specific combination of all previous terms. Hey does that… even count as headcanon? Ultimately my stance is “whatever as long as sherlock holmes is not interested in women” and it is stated very clearly explicitly and repeatedly in canon that sherlock holmes is not interested in women so . like.

Gender Headcanon: You know what’s funny is expressing disdain for women is an effective way to distance yourself from femininity in general, for instance, to assert masculinity as a trans man, or as a negative reaction to being a trans woman. So. Like.

A ship I have with said character: at first i was like “its just kind of an objective fact that sherlock and watson are gay but i dont have emotional investment in it” but that was a fucking lie

A BROTP I have with said character: SHERLOCK HOLMES DOES NOT HAVE FRIENDS. I DONT FUCKING KNOW, TOBY THE DOG?

A NOTP I have with said character: The next time an adaptation tries to make him and irene adler straight together im going to thr authors house and shooting them point blank. shut up shut up shut up shut up. they would NOT

A random headcanon: man i dont even fucking know. he probably eats food off the floor and i mean this genuinely

General Opinion over said character: Sherlock Holmes is the ultimate Little Freak. Like 80% of the joy of any sherlock holmes media is “Watch this Freak Behave Oddly”. Some people think he would be hard to get along with personally i think we would make very good friends and i would love to hang out with the Freak.

Man. I hope this post isn’t actually as long and hard to look at as it looks in the mobile post editor. Unfortunately it probably is

#HAH! TWO ASK GAMES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE BECAUSE IM CHATTY #i couldve gone to an extreme and done one for every sherlock i could think of that i know that much about #…… but eh not really. #theres not much of a difference between ACD and granada #i think the only other one id have unique things to say about as of yet would be MS #basilask #thank you neb *high five* #EDIT: NO WAIT THERES RDJ HES ALSO HIS OWN UNIQUE FLAVOR. #and oh man this post Is big and long #dgs from my brain

[cutepervert]

ty to @tigertofu for the tag <3 dont have many friends on here yet but i'll tag the people that i can think of off the top of my head, @rreskk @chloe12801 @heisentwerk

Were you named after anyone?

not as far as I can tell. my mom likes to say im named after julius caesar but i think shes lying

Do you have kids?

no and have noooo interest it is simply not for me i think

Use sarcasm a lot?

yes, less so on the internet but irl i do a LOT

First thing you notice 'bout people?

it's hard to pick out one thing because i often interpret the totality of a person (like their vibe ig?) before i focus on any details. this is not to say that i dont focus on details i absolutely do but that's often long after i've determined the person has an interesting vibe based off their outfit/the way they carry themselves/etc

Eye color?

hazel. i think? like a light brown with greenish bits in the central heterochromia zone

Scary movies or happy ending?

hard to say tbh! I like a neat ending (not necessarily a happy one) and both scary movies and 'happy ending' movies tend to have neat endings (or at least neat enough to set-up for a sequel LOL). I like both, it all kinda depends on my mood

Special talent?

oh i struggle so hard with this question... like, i have several things i am moderately good at (writing, drawing, et cetera) but ive never been especially skilled or talented at a single thing like other people are. jack of all trades master of none that's the kinda bitch i am. also sidenote but i think talent isn't real. if it is real it describes nothing but someones desire to practice a given thing which then makes them good at it. nobodys born good at shit. prodigies are fake and they are all lying to u!!!!

Your hobbies?

lol. hobbies... what are those! no frfr i play video games write fanfic and once in a while when i have the energy to set up a workspace i like doing very hands-on sculptural art like papier mache and clay sculpture.

Any pets?

no i wish :( want a cat so bad but our aint shit landlord (who tbf is usually really fine and normal and chill so i guess there had to be ONE THING at least that sucked abt him) said no

Playing any sport?

LOL. no. fuck sports..... except i like watching basketball because those men are freaks of nature in the best way and i like to imagine in ancient times we'd have them do feats of strength like climbing up a very steep mountain face. i just love those lengthy boys. kevin durant especially is such an extruded guy every time he falls during a game (which as it turns out is way more often than i thought) im like okay this time his legs have to have snapped in half. and they dont! probably because he drinks his milk or w/e. takes him vitamines. wild shit. anyway yeah i dont do sports

How tall..?

5'7 last time i checked.... imo the perfect height. not too short not too tall but also not too medium. on the tall side of medium sized. love being this height.

Favourite subject in school?

hard to say bc it depended so much on the teacher but i loved most of my english classes and a good amount of my history classes. history is sooo girlypop to me like we're truly just sharing 100+ year old gossip like it's not nosy as fuuuuuck

Dream job:

i do not dream of labor but i think the ideal job for me is one that doesn't feel like it's sucking 100% of my soul out my mouth (will settle for like 30 to 50% soul sucking) and hopefully serves to help other people through creative expression (because i dont know how to do anything else LMAO). i basically have that job rn but it's still Hard and Annoying so i suppose nothing will ever b perfect

#about me #personal

[seakicker]

juju do you ever miss your previous blog? /gen not just your works but your bigger following or the genshin community from a few months ago and all 🤔 please ignore this if it‘s annoying you im jus curious is all!

i thought about this for a little while after i first started up this blog back in july and i think initially i sorta did, but i think i had gotten so caught up in the rat race of followers and numbers and interaction and the subjective concept of "big blog" versus "small blog" that it started to be kinda unhealthy for me in a way. constantly comparing my interactions to other peoples' interactions, wondering if people consider me a """big blog""" (i use this in quotes because there's genuinely no way to tell 99% of the time since follower count is private and you have no clue how many followers anyone has at any given time), that sort of thing-- it had started to become less about being a writer + having fun and more about being this sort of image of seakicker as if she's some kind of character i play. maybe i overemphasize some parts of myself here and underemphasize other parts, but that's just how everyone is i think. everyone's at least a little different online than irl and in some ways but ultimately it's all just the same me. ive always found it important to have some sort of image/brand recognition (so to speak) where people Know me so i think i got too caught up in that before w follower count and stuff as a consequence; i wanted to be someone people really thought about. a little ego issue if you will lol

im not worried about that sort of thing anymore. my interaction is really great as far as i'm concerned (i have a very good flow of asks and it makes me feel really bad that i'll never be able to get to every ask i receive), i have very very kind followers and friends and i receive really good feedback on my posts and fics, i have fun doing what i do and i dont really view seakicker as a character i play (rather than somebody i just am) anymore and i have a very nice blog here.

in terms of overall followers, yeah i have fewer right now than when i deactivated my og blog bc that one was just up for longer, but in terms of follower growth im growing at the same rate i did on that blog. i don't want to worry about numbers anymore and unironically hearing vox talk about his relationship with his following/numbers/interaction has really been healing for me as well... kinda crazy to think that both a youtuber with 1mil subscribers and a humble porn author with an audience of a couple thousand have the exact same insecurities and fears when it comes to content creation and interacting w an audience

tl;dr i don't miss it and i genuinely view myself, my presence, and my blog more positively now

#chats

[khodorkovskaya]

05.09.22

as ive mentioned many times, every time i hang out with my friends i have a mini existential crisis. idk i feel like im either autistic, or immature, or pretentious, or too scared to face the real world. bc i don’t understand how people live their lives the way the do and how im supposed to function.

it hit me when i was with my two best friends yesterday and okay, best friend X lives and works in london, she has an office job. and it sounds like the most depressing thing in the world to me. bc she’s there from 9 to 5 (oftentimes more bc they never meet their deadlines), she doesn’t get payed a lot (which is fine bc her parents pay for rent so she’s not struggling or anything) and she says that every night she smokes/drinks with her boyfriend. the job itself sounds like hell, london is a shitty place to live, etc. etc. and yet she’s convinced that it’s the best place to be and that it’s fine.

and i don’t get it bc most of my former classmates moved to london. and now they have shitty jobs where all they do is write emails all day. and they’re all on drugs, no exception. and what’s the point of living like this? it’s obviously so unbearable since they all engage in some kind of unhealthy mechanisms (drinking wine and smoking weed every day, drugs on the weekends,...). and yet it’s seen as the norm. 

and i really really don’t get it. they all went to prestigious universities, most of them are actually talented and capable people. yet now they work for soulless big companies in a soulless city. and sure, writing emails all day is annoying and repetitive, so you’re only being robbed of your time and not your energy. but even for those who have a kind of special skill, why would you work for a company that doesn’t care about you? and people overwork, stay longer hours, take shorter lunch breaks for what? for who? to afford more alcohol and drugs? your work doesn’t even belong to you! and no one seems bothered by that!

and then best friend Y said that he can’t wait to be done with his masters and start making big money. not to give too much away but his area is gonna be like finance/tech/trading etc. so imagine doing that for some big company every day. it’s so impersonal. and yet that doesn’t seem to bother him at all, he’s just excited to make money.

like i really don’t understand how people live like this. don’t you want to do something that belongs to you? are you not gonna feel robbed, spending 9 hours per day doing something for someone else? and, sure, money is necessary, but working at a soulless office sounds like torture. won’t it feel like you’re wasting your life away?

like, really, i don’t understand any of it. maybe it’s my post-soviet background idk. my parents never worked in the traditional sense of the word. they did some stuff in the 90s and then my dad started doing shady business in montenegro. and my mum and my step dad have their own second hand store and also an IT business. no one in my entourage had ever worked for a company. and it makes more sense to me. you do your own thing, you earn money, you own the things you do. 

but if i want to live like this, what the hell am i studying for? i picked the most employable major, people keep telling me that i have the chance of having a great career bc i speak 4 languages, have a lot of soft skills yadayada... but i just can’t see the purpose of having a traditional career. like what’s the point? im the only one in my circle who doesn’t do drugs/smoke and i don’t want to. ive already struggled with depression bc i felt like i wasn’t in control of my life and i don’t want to find myself in a situation where i literally have no control over my work. but i can’t just do business. that would be a waste of potential, right? my mum didn’t come all the way here for me to be a store manager. i feel like i have to work at a bank or something. 

i don’t know. as i have said, either i have something missing in my brain that’s supposed to make you understand how the world works. or im in my “im 14 and this is deep” phase and none of what i said holds any value bc it’s just immature. or im too arrogant and think im too good for society and feel special. or im super insecure and too scared to leave my cocoon and enter the adult world. i don’t know. but it’s all making me anxious.

#my bf said that it's kill or be killed basically #and with my upbringing and education i have the potential to be on top of the hirarchy #and i should strive to be on top to ensure a better future for my future children #bc if not i will be crushed by society and remain lower class for the rest of my life #and not be able to afford toys or guitar lessons for my kids #which i understand #but i don't know how to motivate myself to be normal #september #septembernew