#but i really have nowhere else to put it

[bittersweetresilience]

so do you think he succeeded?

#i woke up out of nowhere at seven in the morning with his speech playing in my head over and over again #a better world. a free world. turn me into shredded paper #and i was thinking about how i would be really annoyed if the wish never had any consequences because if that was the case félix deserved #to make his own. in this new world there's still obfuscation. people are still pulling the strings. there's still fucking nepotism LMAO #i also almost put the ring scene as who gets powers and who doesn't because i think a lot about whether ladybug would have granted all #sentimonsters autonomy or only the ones she perceives to be human #i didn't because i couldn't find anything else that fit what's right or wrong but know i have many thoughts on this subject #miraculous ladybug #🌃 #ml gifs #ml emotion #ml recreation #ough... félix #sunny from the future here i kept this in my drafts for a bit but it shall now be dispensed to you because i am a magnanimous ruler

[marclef]

THE EYHM COLLECTION GROWS!!!! managed to make some space without having to move too much so they can all be together!!

(i made the smaller ones into stickers bc i'm running out of picture frames!! hope that's ok!)

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE WHO'S GIFTED THESE TO ME THOUGH!!! I'M CALLING ALL OF YOU OUT HERE BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!! ❤❤❤❤❤

*sharp inhale* @eskariolis-con-salsa @oddpizza @woobab @the-little-knight @moon9931 @misdreavusplush @noodletime @witch-tower-au !!!!!!!

hope you all have a good holiday season!! love you all! *MWAH*

#don't worry about the fish tanks they'll keep the kitties company! there's literally almost nowhere else good to put these lmao #but!! i think they look good there at least!! AND IN GENERAL THEY ALL LOOK SO GOOD THANK YOU #BUT NOW AFTER THIS I REALLY NEED TO FIND MORE SPOTS IF I GET MORE EYHMS BECAUSE THERE'S NO SPACE LEFT THERE! #....maybe i can move some of the pokemon posters i have by my bed lol. they're just kinda. there rn. #but yeah!! i never expected people to like this cat this much and i'm kinda freaking out!!! but thank you again so much!! #i'll say it 1000 times if i have to!!!!!! #eyhm stuff #gift eyhms #basically ALL of the gift eyhms i've gotten lmao. there's a couple that're in progress but they'll hopefully join the others soon-ish! #quick side ramble! i've got a couple more drawing things planned this year but they might take a couple days because Chrimbo and all! #but there's a couple pizza tower things/gifts and. maybe finally my About Me post? gotta figure out how i'm gonna make that heh #OK I'VE BEEN TALKING TOO LONG SORRY BUT I'M JUST SO HAPPY ABOUT THESE AAAHHHHHHH

[peninkwrites]

(putting my very long, very personal ramble under a readmore so folks can avoid it) (this won't include any of my plans for going forward or for my writing but I'm not going anywhere so don't worry about that. love to you all.)

A little disclaimer: If you have zero context for what I'm talking about, apologies for not explaining in depth, but this post won't be relevant to you otherwise. All you really need to know is that it seems that Wilbur Soot is an abuser, and Shubble came forward and talked about it recently. He was not named, but from what she shared, I believe that was who she was talking about. I don't say this to speculate, and if you disagree, I'm not here to argue over it, but it's enough for me personally to not to want to support him indefinitely, save for Shubble explicitly saying she wasn't talking about him.

Additionally, these thoughts are some incredibly personal and self-centered rambling. It does not reflect where my priorities lie, with supporting Shelby for coming forward above all else, but other people have said that much better than I have, and this post is really just a place for me to vent some of my feelings.

I prided myself on not falling prey to “parasocial relationships.” I didn’t get invested in the personal lives of content creators, only in their creative works. I thought this protected me somehow. I knew next to nothing about Wilbur Soot’s personal life, but I admired him deeply as a writer and empathized with him as an artist. I projected so heavily onto his character and did so for over three years. When I waited for his final dsmp stream, I felt panicked. Like my survival hinged on how he ended this story, and then he ended it in a way I could live with, and I thought I could go on loving this story and these characters for what they had been, no matter how messy the rest of the endings to follow were. His character was mine in so many ways. He had some of my problems and I gave him some of my own. I used him to process quite a bit. And now that part of myself is irrevocably tainted.

When the stuff came out about Dream, I was upset, but not betrayed. I never followed the creator and he existed only as a character to me. All I grieved then was the community his actions destroyed and most importantly the people he hurt. I planned to continue writing for the DSMP, even as I refused to follow any content involving him. It felt like a pause, not a full stop, while I ensured what I was doing did not show him any support. I also gave that character no pity and therefore the man behind him no pity, I had no personal investment in his character.

Now my response is visceral and bitter and I don’t know how to go on writing, because this character meant the world to me. I don’t know how to write about a character I truly love and see myself in, knowing the person who also loved and saw himself in that character, who created that character, has done horrible things. I don’t know how to write any of these other characters I have loved and cared for for over 3 years because he has poisoned them. All of it turns my stomach now and I feel so betrayed. The thought of his character is tainted because it’s connected to his voice and his face. I cannot separate the art from the artist both because it was the inclusion of the authorship within the story which affected me so strongly, and because there are things within the text that I look back on now and can only see that this person was always this way. I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept thinking of c!Wilbur’s line when he found out about exile, “he didn’t actually hit you though“ and his horror when c!Tommy responded that he had, that for some reason that was the turning point. The implication that it was only crossing that line, that particular type of violence, which made something wrong. Fucking disgusting.

I’ve tried to find another story before now. For the last few years, honestly, I’ve looked for something to latch onto the way I have with this one, but nothing feels the way this did. I know I’ve been clinging to something gone or at least mostly gone, both the community and the story, but I haven’t known how to let go when nothing makes me feel the same way, even when the feeling has faded and changed so much with time. This was never supposed to go on this long. Honestly, the reason I started posting mcyt stuff to my sideblog instead of my main was because I assumed I would get over it in a few weeks, delete the posts, and move on. Three years. 40 works. Over a million words. Just. Fuck.

I loved these characters so much and I’ve wrapped up my writing in them for so long it’s hard to separate the two. At this point, it feels like these characters are what allow me to write, separate from the main story, but a place where I could work things out for myself as a person and try new things as a writer. And I’ve tried so hard to feel the same way about the QSMP, but maybe it’s because we’re out of lockdown so I don't have time to watch much, or I’ve just changed more than I’ve thought, but I haven't gotten attached the way I did even when I look at the stories being built there and can see the heart in them, the storytelling, the care, just as much as the DSMP if not more. There’s no good reason for it, it just hasn’t locked into place the way this story had, having been the perfect storm of circumstances. The DSMP came to me during one of the worst years of my life, and I have loved it so much I miss that time even with all the bad it carried too.

And now this thing I have been holding onto can only make me angry, hit me with grief and disgust. Fuck, the only plan I’ve had for an original novel in years is a loose adaptation of TDDD. My senior thesis was largely a novella about two siblings with a complicated relationship, the older fatalistic, the younger brave to the point of ignorance. So even that original project has poison in it now. All of it, all of my fucking work, all of my growth as a writer, all of my writing for over three fucking years has poison in it.

I’ve felt lost as a writer for a long time and the only thing keeping me anchored was these characters. And I don’t know how to cut them away from myself and I don’t know how to cut him away from what’s left when his writing, his character, undeniably gave me so much of a spark. When I’m happy, I write. When I’m sad, I write. There's so much bad in the world right now, but I could always fall back on writing. And now my main means of escape is the grief. Far more than ever before. I know this too shall pass and all that, and this hasn’t actually stolen my ability to write, but right now it all feels so ruined. I don’t know how long it will take for me to be able to look back on what I’ve made and not feel like this. I'd maybe moved on in some ways, but not all. There was so much left I wanted to do.

If you’ve somehow read this far, know that I love this community with my whole heart. I never quite made friends with any of you, even as I wanted to, and it's felt too late for a long time now. My beloved mutuals (and followers that are mutuals in all but name) I have found so much joy with you, in what all of you have created. I wish I could hold onto that above all else, even if I’m not quite sure how. I’m not going anywhere, to be clear. I won’t delete my blog and fall off the face of the earth or anything. I still love what all of you create and care about, even if things have changed and our interests don’t always align anymore. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to detach this story from the creator, to love any of it the way I did or even love what I myself created again. I don’t really know why I’m writing this or if I’ll even post it except for the fact that you all are the only people who could understand.

Again, this was a deeply personal rant, not a statement about the situation as a whole, nor do I think this situation's impact on me takes an ounce of precedent over the person actually involved. The most important takeaway from this is what Shelby has shared, the importance of believing victims, to do what we can to protect ourselves from abuse that doesn’t seem obvious, and to look out for each other. Take care of yourselves, everyone.

#spilled penink #fuck i don't know what to tag this. #wilbur situation #abuse tw #ask to tag #I don't know about my current fics or what I plan to do going forward so don't read this looking for answers on that. #honestly i just had nowhere else to put this. this is something I would have ideally shared just with close friends #but they'd have no idea what I was talking about so here we are. desperate times. #sorry for the doom and gloom. i know there's been a lot of it as of late. please feel free to keep scrolling. #idc if people reblog. this is just. not the important thing right now yknow. #supporting shubble is all that really matters.

[the-final-sif]

Also, just as a general comment on the whole Dream situation on one of the takes I kept seeing; y'all know that snapchat is like, an actual platform people use to talk to each other, right? It's not like, a creepy platform only used by predators. Right? Like. I've never had a snapchat account, and literally all throughout college I'd get offered people's snapchats and have to say I didn't have it and ask for their phone number instead. My like 45 year old boss uses snapchat to talk with her like 20 year old kids. I once had to write an actual email to another human being to tell them no, they could not put down their snapchat handle as an emergency contact method for their club paperwork.

Idk I had to actually check with other people in the discord to make sure I wasn't insane, and no, other people reported the same thing. Snapchat is a normal platform people use to talk to others. But for some reason, I kept seeing that take that somehow giving a snapchat was inherently predatory and that threw me for one hell of a loop. I'm really just not sure where that idea came from.

#dreamwastaken #dream discourse #discourse #this is def more of a personal opinion but it's been bugging me since I got that anon awhile back and I want to throw this out there #sif speaks #like again I am remaining in my camp of waiting on words from lawyers #but I did want to address this because that take was weird as hell to me #and made me question whether snapchat was really just like a niche platform everyone else at my college used for some reason #also had one person for that club try to put down a discord handle #the snapchat person was understanding #the discord handle person tried to argue with me that their phone number was too personal #and I was like #dude if you end up lost in the middle of nowhere we need to be able to call you on a real actual phone not see if you have discord on #alright back to me talking about defamation laws b/c legal cases make my brain go burr

[mwagneto]

crazy how going to the skatepark in my commie bloc just to sit there for like 30 minutes doing fuck all and then leave immediately fixes my brain

#only 5pm and everything is dark and snowy. I'm having the time of my life #I've never seen a single person here other than me even tho ppl definitely come here #left empty for me specifically #i mean it's -1°c im sure noone else feels up to sitting outside in pajamas and a jumper like I'm doing rn but yknow #ofc it's not specifically abt this place it's abt romanticising every aspect of my life. but i #really like places that feel straight out of a pinterest board #like I'll never make one but im living all of them #i love being outside i love snow i love cold i love it when it gets dark early i love that we have 0 streetlights. slay #also. plugging my headphones in putting my hood up and getting on my kick scooter is so. im going to die #like i have the cracks in the street memorised but it's always scary jdmridjeifjjs #almost ate shit today coz everything is covered in black ice LMFAO #i need exam season to be over so i can go on stupid little quests again my daily walk and occasional #trips to the shops are nottttt enough for me. i need to go to the middle of nowhere and break into an abandoned building #barking

[sharkjumpers]

aughhhh (clutches my cursed eye.)

#Sorry to vent on tumblr but i have nowhere else to talk right now: #i was doing so good in school but ive taken a steep decline and it feels like everything is Over and i'm failing. its literally just three #classes. all i can do all day is cry and stare at the wall and i dont feel like anything really at anything i do. i dont know what to do an #its killing me. Im gonna do something that lands me on national television. im in pain all day and have a migraine every day and when i don #im busy sobbing the rest of the time. i know its just because its that time of the year but that doesnt really help me at all. im trying my #hardest and it still isnt enough. Wat am i supposed to do. Theyre putting me down tomorrow. #i have not felt this bad in a while and its not Nice and I Dont Like it and I cant pull myself up. i cry as soon as i wake up. Who is #putting me through some matt murdock depressive episode simulator. #i need help but theres nothing anyone can help with and i dont want to be here* #*here meaning the state i live in. #i am so Alone here. #i feel little and stupid

[lonesomedotmp3]

the utter lack of affection or care amongst my extended family is so bleak and miserable

#like I don't get on or chat with fucking any of my english cousins. the few I did #get on well with disappeared from my life out of nowhere because of family drama #the ones left are older than me and they never cared about me lol #and they're all boys which I don't think helped things when we were younger #but that shouldn't matter. I get on with my spanish male cousin fine ! he's lovely! #but the people I'm with every winter and birthday etc are just completely cold and detached #I have no real relationship with any of my uncles or aunts or cousins #it's not like there's even one I can go and talk to while everyone else is ignoring me lol #I've got my brother and that's it and of course he's just a little kid #he's either trying to get attention from the adults or trying to get me to play with him #which is fine. but. ugh. #it's just like I should've had this big network of people who cared about me statistically I should've had at least one family #member who I had some kind of unique or close bond with and I never did I never got it #I grew up with two sisters and I never got it. I think about what it could be like with sisters who gave a shit about me all the time #If I had someone to talk to besides my parents or about my parents it would be such a weight off my back #and all I've got it my brother and he's just too young for me to put any of my life on his shoulders #my biggest fear is that when he hits puberty he'll begin to think I'm embarrassing and stupid and not like me anymore #and then I'll really have nothing

[saturnetal]

i get the people who are like “hey the fact that a lot of autistic-coded characters are robots/aliens/otherwise non-human is dangerous and teaches people that autistic people are Other and therefore unworthy of basic human dignity and respect” but like. when i spend the vast majority of my life feeling inhuman and lost and alone and misplaced and like I’M an alien or a robot just trying my best (and constantly failing miserably) to cosplay as a functional human being, it can be comforting to see a character that’s Just Like Me Fr who is quite literally non-human. idk maybe that’s weird but like… it’s nice to think “I’m not Wrong or Broken. I’m just Something Else.”

and like. i understand i am actually a human being. i just feel like i’m spectacularly bad at being one and wish i wasn’t.

#my d&d character is a heavily autistic-coded Warforged #and my DM keeps giving me opportunities to port him to an organic body #but i don’t want to. i like being a robot and not a person. it’s comforting #and i feel like nobody at my table gets that even though several of them are also neurospicy in some capacity #i just feel so alone and broken even among other neurodiverse people #and it’s really wearing on me lately #this post brought to you by Alien by AViVA and Machine Learning by J. Maya #actually autistic #adhd #neurodiverse #i would apologize for my first real text post being a vent but i just needed to get this off my chest #and i have literally nowhere else to put it #text post #vent

[tariah23]

They’re calling my baby Gojo, Joseph Joestar now

#rambling #the diff is that Gojo did apologize after being called out and face to face with his racism whilst Joseph literally befriended nazi’s 😵‍💫 #and there was never any explanation from araki as to why he’d even wrote German soldiers in the shit in the first place like that was #absolutely jarring as hell to read for the very first time back when I’d gotten into jjba #well I watched it first but you know #like Joseph really thought fondly of Stroheim as this stand up guy even though he’s first of all #a Nazi #and second #the first scene that we were introduced to was of him sexually harassing a Woman #it’s……. 🗿 #still to this day I wonder if araki had ever addressed this because lord #Joseph was just happy to get the help I guess but that felt so ooc for him from what he’d seen 🗣️ #happily receiving the help of a Nazi and calling them a nice guy ahhh Joseph- #Gojo would never sjjsaj #my boo boo is a little prejudice but he’s working on it 🗣️ #I still think that gege was trying to have a ‘racism is bad’ moment but again #the execution was pretty awkward and it felt out of place considering what had been currently going down in the manga #like the Racism was pretty random but it was swiftly put to a stop which I can appreciate even if it shouldn’t have been a point of #conversation to begin with since why couldn’t Miguel just exist as a character instead of him being the now token negro #who everyone sees as instantly more frighteningly powerful than everyone else like this didn’t even need to be brought up wllssldk #idk gege was trying to be ‘woke’ 😭. sorry nbs and wp ruined the term for me but like basically lol #gojo’s pretty intelligent and extremely gifted but he’s never been perfect lol #it’s just that idk why gege chose to talk about antiblackness in Japan out of nowhere about the only black character on screen hehhhhhh #like gege tried but lmfao #this is so funny to me #at least it didn’t drag on putting Miguel in an even more awkward situation than he already was and it was nipped in the bud quickly #Gojo isn’t one to dwell on things but when he’s face with new information and is taught something he does try to reflect and do better and #I’m sure he probably started to become even more aware of what he’s saying especially when talking to Miguel in an honest way since that’s #always been the kind of character who he was despite the horrors #the only ppl who’ve been kinda annoying about this are nbs and white people as always 🗿

[musical-chick-13]

.

#idk it's just really frustrating to think that people will ALWAYS make allowances for people they're romantically in love with but #not make those same allowances for someone else they otherwise care about. #that people will risk things for their partners that they wouldn't for their friends #that it's EXPECTED for you to prioritize your spouse/significant other/etc. at all times but prioritizing your friend(s) is rarely even #considered. and when you're like me and you LITERALLY CANNOT DO THIS SHIT BY YOURSELF... #like I know I go on and on about marrying some theoretical woman all the time (and my ongoing...whatever this is. with Musician Guy) #but genuinely I'm not even sure that I want that I think I just want someone who will fucking visit me in the hospital if I get into a car #crash or fix me soup when I'm sick. #like...yeah. in that one story I wrote I think I distilled it down: we all just want someone to hold us when we're sad #and it SUCKS that the only avenue we seem to be allowed to pursue that is through a romantic relationship #right now I have my dad but if something happens to him...I genuinely do not know what I'm going to do. I'll have nowhere to go #if something terrible happens. I'll have no one to help me be a person. and I just. like I really am going to just have to power through #the next 60 years on this fucking planet alone and by god I'll fucking do it but I wish I didn't have to!!!! #and I think this was why the loss of Her™ friendship (which was necessary. for both of us) was so acutely painful. because even after #she got married she WAS willing to prioritize me when things got bad enough. she DID genuinely care about me in a way I don't think #anyone ever has. and I just really don't think I'll ever find that ever again. and I can't go back and I don't WANT to be with her anymore #but it was this time of the year when she told me she was getting married way back when and my brain has kept that like the World's Worst #Anniversary and all of those terrible ugly feelings are coming back in full force and I HATE that I'm still unpacking this I. HATE. that #this not-even-relationship is STILL doing this to me #WHAT THE FUCK!!! IS UP WITH THAT!!!!!! #*sigh* okay for REAL I am logging off right now because I've already said Too Many Embarrassing Personal Things about myself today #and I do not want to put myself in a position to say anymore! #In the Vents #GOD this is so stupid IT'S NOT LIKE SOMEBODY DIED WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

[ialpiriel]

rereading this old muleskinner novel and giggling to myself about how upset everyone is gonna get about this scene

#del gets personal #putting this man in his own personal hell and making it clear to the reader and everyone else whats going on #and making him steadfastly insist that he'll be fine #its really really really good #i lvoe old muleskinner because on one hand hes smart enough to know whats going on #but on the other he doesnt have the social skills to know whats going on #so he gets Some stuff but nowhere NEAR all of it #and i love writing that gap. its so much fun. i cant wait to torture you all with it

[pansyfemme]

oh shit i have a button machine why am i not making buttons rn

#answer is i don't have a working printer and even tho my grandma who lives with us has one. its really slow like. ten minutes per page slow #and it is a known fact in my household that you do not want to be over there for more than five minutes bc will suck all the energy out of #you. i bring up sometimes my grandma lives with us and ppl r like 'oh the one who's super nice and supportive. right? not the one who has #said things about your transition that hurt to even repeat?".. well. #she has nowhere else to go tho. so we put up with her #we have a pre-y2k very slow black and white printer from that works 50% of the time but its better than nothing

[gunthermunch]

get to know me !

thanks @moodnamars @literalite for the tag<3

1. what do you have under your bed?

shoe boxes filled with secrets

2. favorite candy?

i almost die from eating too much candy as a kid so i cant really think of an answer

3. describe your favorite shirt

its a big black cypress hill skull and bones shirt i thrifted

4. last thing you drew/doodled

amongussies

5. are you completely sober right now?

luckily yes

6. what’s the one thing that annoys you more than anything?

asmr

7. have you ever gotten your tongue stuck to a cold pole during winter?

i tried, but no

8. if you can be anywhere in the world right now, where would it be?

somewhere cold

9. what was the last single word you spoke?

''i told you they sell nice peaches'' not a word but i needed to give you context

i tag you

#ask game #not really but i have nowhere else to put this

[cannibalistic-suggestions]

Blog Update • December 24, 2023

[ ↓ ]

#mod rambling #not a suggestion #lmao hiiii. hi. sorry i like never post anymore #ive contemplated deleting this blog for good quite a few times but id have nowhere else to put my shitty cannibalism memes/jokes :/ #and actually i realized theres a few things here saved from blogs that also deactivated w/o warning. i had no idea there was one blog i #really liked and then suddenly looking thru my old posts on here i rbed something of theirs and realized theyre gone now. wow #i wish id saved more. but anyways i have a bunch of uhhh both aesthetic & shitpost shit in my drafts backlog #a. lot. so i might just start posting that slowly over these days. i might try and write some short things here and there too #bc u kno this STARTED as a '''suggestion''' blog but im sure as hell not doing that much of that lmao. sorry guys #or just make more shitposty posts courtesy of moi. idk. smthn cause i kinda feel bad abandoning this #also this blog has a tendency to update whenever im in deep mental crises and. hahaaaa guess what chat ur not gonna believe this #anyways yeah surprise im alive. for now. ill start organizing the queue. thx to all who stayed for ur patience

[sortarapunzel]

just sliding in here to say that i really loved reading your tags on my loki post!! i agree that it’s not really a choice between the two, but it’s about loki learning and growing from both sylvie and mobius (and the two of them learning and growing as well) but the whole point being that sylvie and mobius both represent important parts of loki’s character and he’s learning to hold both of those sides of himself at the same time.

anyways thanks for the thoughts!!! i enjoyed them!!!

!!!!!💛!💛💛!!!!! yeah it is absolutely fascinating how they both represent elements of loki past and present, and I loved how you phrased it with loki struggling to grow without giving up his core identity!!! he's torn between these two people, who both stand for and fight for specific things-- and yeah, it's not a choice! And even if it were, Loki is desperately fighting against making it :P

#i really hope we get to see more of loki+sylvie pushing mobius and mobius+loki pushing sylvie and that its not just #wishful thinking and me reading into things #thank you for this lovely ask! I really enjoyed your post and the thoughts it's unlocked about the show #marvel #loki spoilers #asks #also. just cause i have nowhere else to put this. can someone please talk about the way loki said 'but we /are/ gods' to silvie - #- at the end of that pie room convo #like hello???? #i can't tell yet it he said it because he believes it or if its another unreliable character thing but man. #showstopping stunning brilliant #it's one of the points where you can really tell loki and sylvie differ #probably bc of their differing upbringing #ugh im also. so attached to syvlie as the loki variant that mobius doesnt understand and is thus able to be blindsided by #he's studied so many loki variants but sylvie evades him! #it's a fantastic set up for the sorts of confrontations we saw in the last episode #ok im done i promise

[dummerjan]

having a bit of a very unexpected emotional crisis

#ignore me just rambling #i will not cry about this #but right now i hate my flat #and i hate how my new kitchen shelf has turned out #it's ugly #not what i had in mind #and i don't like my kitchen in general #but i shouldn't hate my living/craft room because it's nowhere near done yet #i do like my bedroom but that's also the only one with all antique furniture and what i had in mind #even if it is really messy and chaotic still and it might be impossible to actually put up curtains #because the wall just crumbles #bathroom is ok got a new cupboard for it #but i also spend the least amount of time in there and i already love it for being able to fit a washing machine #and no longer having to go into the basement to do laundry #argh i will get over this tomorrow it will all look different #rn now i am just having another emotional crisis about something else and the kitchen sheld not turning out how i #wanted it is just the last straw #but fuck do i hate it here rn #meins