#but i remind myself: that is not learning - that is just telling

[arcielee]

Hey everyone, I know it's a dark time in the fandom right now and I am only going to speak on this once.

To begin: there was a period of time where I had some bigger blogs blocked due to a misunderstanding that escalated. I recently learned that both sides were being fed a villainous narrative over something that I did not do. It became this weird Us vs Them ordeal.

I tried to pull away. I blocked a lot of blogs to try and remove myself from the HotD space.

I was very heartbroken. Tumblr was my little nerdy escape that allowed me to swoon over my beloved fictional characters and find kindred spirits who shared the same sentiment. I found myself hating to check my notifications, seeing the hateful anons and DMs, and seeing my mutuals receiving the same grief for publicly engaging with me.

It was awful.

After some time, blogs began to reach out and share what had been said about me, telling me about the rumors. It gave me clarity on what had happened. I see the fierce loyalty a lot of us posses and if I had been told these same horrible things, I probably would have responded in a similar way.

I was grateful for the honesty and I hold no animosity towards anyone who believed what was said. I do not care about the cruel things spread or the name calling, I just felt relieved that I could speak my truth and slowly become part of the community that I loved. I wanted to forgive and just move forward.

Then I found out that I had been doxxed.

They found my legal name and my private IG. They shared it without my permission. I feel fortunate that this group did not do anything with the information shared, but I also do not know if it was shared outside of this chat.

Tumblr is a silly hellsite that allowed me to learn the art of a Reader inserts, to brainstorm story ideas with my mutuals, to reblog nifty gifsets and fanart. But this is something I keep separate my from actual IRL, so learning about this felt like a violation.

I know we are all hurting. The point of this post is a reminder to stay safe, to set up your two-step authenticator and to please keep yourselves protected.

Like I said: I will not speak on this again. If you stay, please know my blog is a safe place where I do not tolerate bigotry of any means.

My DMs and my anons are open, always. 💜

#hotd fandom #doxxing #this has been a psa #it is time to heal and hydrate #i love my tumblr kindred spirits #please stay safe everyone

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

I know you are tired of being reminded of the whole mess that’s been going on. I had no idea what was going on until foxyanon told me cause I asked. The shock that went through me when I was reading ems post. I was decent friends with bel and interacted a lot with her. Had no idea how vile those bloggers are, just damn right disgusting and rude. But I told em as well that I have nothing to do with what’s her face. I’m always here for you! This fandom needs some serious work done and rethinking. I’m screaming the biggest f you to her! I love your content even though I don’t say anything much. You’re wonderful and deserve better! 💗💗

Thank you for reaching out, and treating me like a human being. It is more than I currently deserve. I will place the rest of my response beneath a cut, as it will be quite long and I'd like to give people the option to scroll past, as they are doubtless tired of all of this, and rightly so.

Yes, the behaviour of that group is despicable, but I cannot downplay the gravity of my own in that.

I had a longstanding block with two users (I am not going to use their online nicknames, I do not deserve to), arcielee and sylasthegrim, I said disgusting things about both of them - the screenshots of my messages regarding them both on the post you have doubtless all seen are real (so is the final screenshot where I mention an anon I had received telling me to die in my sleep, the rest of the screenshots in that post have been falsified, doctored or snipped heavily out of context to make them appear hateful - the doctoring has been confirmed by two individuals well versed in Photoshop)

I hold my hands up and apologise to both those people, and the people that have seen those messages and been harmed by them. They are inexcusable, indefensible and were guided by a false belief that those two people were being hateful in turn about me, and actively going out of their way to harm and spite me. I am unsure what Bel thought she had to gain by exacerbating the animosity between me and Em and those two women, regardless, we should have done the mature thing and reached out directly to them. I will say, that I have never once sent anonymous hatred to either person. The extent of my vitriol was confined to that group chat.

Bel also used slurs in the group chat (I would like to point out that myself, Em and Fae did not). I won't repeat what these were. I do not want those ugly words on my page. They made me uncomfortable and I called her out any time she used one in particular, but she always laughed off my discomfort and carried on anyway. She is mixed race, I am white, in my mind it is not my place as a white person to tell an ethnic minority what is racism and what isn't. There are enough white voices shouting down others in online spaces. I know better now. I should not let my own discomfort silence me. I will call out hatred, bigotry and discrimination in every instance that I see it. My past inaction is embarrassing, it's offensive and I am devastated by the hurt I have caused to others. I am so deeply sorry.

I didn't speak up for a long time, because I have seen what these people are like when they have a grudge against someone. It's frightening, I was a coward. Yet despite staying silent on all of it, I have been doxxed just the same. I suppose perhaps that's karmic retribution?

I appreciate that people have felt my response has been lacking, however, I was out of the country, away from home, from the 14th until the 22nd, with only my phone at my disposal and with the expectation from my husband that I would enjoy the vacation we were on, and not be online dealing with all of this.

I would like the opportunity to atone for my behaviour, to make amends. Currently, I feel I am not going to be given the opportunity to do that, and understandably so. Emotions are high, people are raw from what they have learned and they do not feel comfortable being around me.

Seeing the screenshots of the people in their group passing around my personal photos and saying incredibly vile things about my appearance triggered a lapse with the eating disorder that I am in active recovery for. I then had another a few days later. I need to take some time away to get myself well, as the fear and anxiety of all of this is taking its toll. I also need the space to deal with the legal action I will be exploring with regards to Chris having doxxed me. I am not running away. I simply need to get myself into a space where I am stable enough to handle all of this, be accountable, and take responsibility without my own emotions diminishing other people's.

I know people hate me right now, but it pales in comparison to how much I hate myself. I am so very sorry for allowing this to happen.

#asked and answered

[arashi-no-saxlphone]

Dustloop is my fucking favorite because it's such a good resource for Gear specifically and it's always pretty clean but I also love the little bits of personality that get thrown in. This is exactly how I write too when I'm trying to get to the important part I want to talk about

"[whatever] > rensen(8)" whoever did this part I desire you carnally

#sairambles #guilty gear #ggst #axl low #dustloop #I read the Axl dustloop page when I'm bored or can't sleep #to remind myself of little niche things I forget #for example - after 2 full years I just learned Rensen 8 > OTG c.S > 8IAD j.H is a fucking safejump #I literally didn't know that #you mean to tell me I can safejump there??? #I was just doing whistling wind to cover DP #I know it's like 2:30 AM but I might boot up to test this right now and feel real dumb #god bless whoever did the Axl page btw it's one of the more detailed ones

[nebulouscoffee]

Me, attending the latest in a ridiculous number of funerals this year in the place of a childhood friend who couldn't be there, watching the lifeless body of an old lady who used to make me snacks in the kitchen when I was a kid be carted away forever while my friend's mother cries and tells me she's grateful I could be there because it felt like having the support of her own daughter, hugging her and talking reassuringly and not processing a single one of these emotions: ... I am going to write soooo much fanfiction about this

#''this'' being collective grief. because tbvh it's the main reason I haven't written very much this year (but will slowly start to) #I write to remind myself I am lucky. I keep telling myself this but even now when I feel awful I am so lucky #I am lucky that none of these funerals have involved very close family members or friends of mine #and I am lucky to be living in conditions with the space to write and space to grieve #and space to come together to mourn with dignity while people not that far away from me are not receiving the same privilege rn #I am lucky my dad was with me today and I spent the evening chatting with him on the terrace I am lucky he is alive I am lucky I am lucky #(apologies if this sounds like a robot malfunctioning lmao writing is just how I process things) #(and apparently I just don't seem to feel like I have the right to feel bad about any of this anywhere except my st@r trek blog hehe) #anyway. To stay on theme I shall say something about Trills :D #I imagine loss and grief must register very differently to them. very Non Linearly in the literal sense but also a highly abstract one #even I feel this massive sense of time warp between all these funerals; and this chest-crushing distance between me and my friends #how do Trills even exist #how do they wake up every day remembering all those friends and children and parents who loved them and they loved and are gone now #and still function #how does Ezri feel walking around with memories of parents that aren't hers (but were soooo much better than hers) taking care of her #does she feel comforted by them? does it feel like the people in those memories were always comforting HER specifically? #does it even matter who it belonged to originally if a memory is HERS now? #does Ezri mourn for any parents of past hosts more than she knows she will mourn for her own mother one day? #does having all this lived experience bring her reassuring amounts of perspective for a 20-something or just overwhelm her all the more? #idk; but I hope she learns to take comfort in her past hosts' memories of family eventually... #(...again. I am going to write sooooo much fan fiction about this lmao) #cw death

[defness]

→ drawing the same pose over and over again and feels cringe

→ realizes that these drawings are simply pre-ref drawings to figure out one's design so I can Draw Them

→ no longer feels cringe

#jic ur wondering why all of them are drawn w that same arms out legs semi open pose #do i obsessively worry about this to an unhealthy degree? yeah #do people not verbally tell me that seeing me draw the same pose over and over again is Boring or Lame or stupid or smth? yes but i get #like. stupidly anxious and start thinking about things like that which i obviously know probably isn't the case and that in actuality #no one cares about how i draw more than i do #but it's still difficult not to ruminate on thoughts of people subconsciously rolling their eyes at my art because its so plain and boring #and static and stiff and it doesnt feel lively and dynamic like the artists i aspire to be like #but then i also remember im only just starting my art journey. by this year I'll only have been drawing for 4 years. 4 YEARS. #which seems like alot honestly? especially w the progress I've made #but most; if not everyone who isn't me have spent 7+ YEARS of drawing and i remind myself that. oh #yeah! im on the same path they were #maybe they had the same issues i did #but ill get through it :) i want to experiment more this year w my art #i say that but i need to COMMIT #i need to commit. to actually put in effort to learn posing and perspective instead of trying to lazily scrawl color on a digital canvas #but it all seems so daunting #but; you know; in time it'll come. seeing the difference only a few months has done to my art is also truly refreshing #it lets me know that im still learning and improving my technique and that really helps iron out any anxieties i have. #sorry this got super rambly super quickly lol

[funnierasafictive]

your talks about knowing if someone is a fictive or not is fucking hilarious because like- for us SPECIFICALLY I’m essentally front personified and thus the perm fronter and front gatekeeper as of now but like!!!- for us we operate a lot on what we can (phantom) feel, hear or see- like yeah it’s not most clear but like- suddenly feeling picked up or splatted against a wall but not SEEING it happen to the body and KNOWING it’s not happening to your body is a REAL FAST reality check, drawing something and suddenly feeling like there’s wires under your skin shocking you half to death bc youmanaged to actually draw a brain buddy without realizing even more so.

would recomend checking to see if the voices register as “not yours” or “in another language”- even if you register the words and language if it doesn’t FEEL like what you know as yours/body’s you should check shit out- we primarily use body’s voice or I’m limited to it- however I DO register the spanish and such languages at times and I can 10000% tell you that juanaflippa threatened someone with a gun bc she didn’t want to see a “not my mate” throwing themself on me and I 1000% registered those words as rusian despite body being english only and the voice she had at her disposal as ONLY the body’s voice.

idk if any of this will help anyone but it MIGHT be more aproachable to ask them to say/do something a certain way involving your senses and check that way than other methods,,

AGH THATS SO TRUE. this is nicer than me going "annoy them" BAHAHA

#ask #anon #reminds me of when Sal got stabbed inspace and then when he fronted the pain carried over to our IRL body #psychosomatic pain is a bitch #sorry i swear a lot btw if you guys would prefer i do not then i can censor myself more in the future #from susie #Also this is less of a 'do they exist' exercise and more of just me sharing but: #speaking of languages this reminds me of when Kurapika would front they actually speak with an accent that you know is from Japanese #and its a nightmare when they learn new words theyve never heard of because #if they have NEVER HEARD or seen it before they will READ it in their accent #and its like. ok thats normal right? its not hurting anyone? #but the reason its a nightmare is because he fronts a LOT. and it RUBS OFF on the front so like #all of sudden we're pronouncing Simon Petrikov's name wrong (Peterikovu) #and were SO EMBARRASSEd... #also our body is ASIAN (Filipino) and currently live in Asia please do not assume I'm white while I tell that story lol #anyway thats Anecdotes With Susie #btw we love Kurapika and he is so valid for this #i tell the story bc its funny that this happens involuntarily #he masks/catches himself when hes in public though

[seraphim-soulmate]

growing up and life and therapy is fucking crazy. you'll say shit that you've said on tumblr a million fucking times and your therapist will go "wow that's literally so deep. that must be a really hard realization" and it's like. baby idk I'm churning these out by the boatload. i have thoughts like these daily.

the issue is they don't stick in my silly little brain so I'll have the realization that, for example, my parents will never meaningfully be able to care for me in the way I needed them to as a child, but then I'll have a depressive episode and my mom will go "you're always welcome at my house! I can care for you and you can just relax!" or my dad will go "wow seems like you're not doing well. maybe you should come home." and to both of these I will mentally go "yes!!! Yes please care for me and save me and fix me!!!" and then I remember that they caused the harm. They continue to perpetuate harm. I was my own parent, their presence added more stress and more hoops to jump through to take care of myself, because I also had to placate and care for them. Only I can hold that scared little girl by the hand and tell her that we'll make it through this too, that I've been there the whole time and I'll still be there. That it sucks, and they don't mean to cause you harm, but they also cannot do what you need of them and cannot be who you need them to be. and I've said this ^^^^ all the above ^^^^ about a million times in different ways on this webbed site.

#personal #me #going back to the US got me fucked up and I gotta remember that my father will never be the man I needed him to be #no matter what he promises or says. he's just some guy who's proved time and again that he was not capable. #everyone please remind me of this when i have moments of weakness #parents will always do some cocomelon shit to you #also i forget that i dont tell my therapist enough about the accomplishments in my life #i was the one who fought and researched for my diagnosis. i was the one who took myself to all my appointments. #i got myself through it. time and again. and i will. again and again and again. #because i will learn and grow and have support from others !

[moe-broey]

I rhink one of the most haunting and disturbing OH I'VE. BREACHED CONTAINMENT moments was someone tagging my CYL results surprised Alfonse won and their vibe was like "I knew Alfonse is a fave of some but damn" like............. he........... sure is...... a fave of some. Um. Unrelated but have you looked at my blog for like ten seconds

#LIKE i'm not being an ass about it and i don't wanna vague and be petty cause that's def not what i'm feeling #if anything i just felt bad like. damn you had to learn this through me?????????? UNFORTUNATE. #it was a STARTLING REMINDER THAT ohhhhhhhhhh when i tag things for organization. #it also exists. thebthe maintags. supposedly. #also in my mind there are like maximum ten people here. and i was talking directly to them in my heart #honestly makes me so scared though like..... damn....... i must clog the hell out of the feh tags..... and the alfonse tag......... #i'm so sorry. #it does make me wonder if i've been blocked for being annoying. which!!!! i hope!!! #that if someone DID find me annoying or strongly disagreed w my takes like i would hope they blocked me!!!! #peace and love. you play in your corner i'll play in mine. #i just have to keep telling myself IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY TO BE ANNOYING I PROMISE #I PROMISE YOU WON'T BE SHOT AND KILLED FOR BEING ANNOYING I PROMISE ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[solojihyo]

sending love🫂🫂

thank you 🥺 sending love right back to you too 🫶

#isai's inbox #theo 🌱 #omg ive been meaning to tell you but ive kinda been getting into ateez #as in i now (mostly) know their faces - redeeming myself from that one time i tried to identify them all SHSJS - and listened to some songs #i think currently my bias is yeosang bc hes pretty and reminds me of shua but thatll prob change once i get to know the rest of them LOL #anyways just thought id share that w you <33 they seem super cool im now wondering why i didn’t try to learn them earlier lol

[faefrosting]

I have this weird thing were if I hear anything Unus Annas related I start crying uncontrollably. Like I haven't seen a single episode of it, I know it's gone too. But I truly wanted to watch, I had wanted to watch it so badly.

I still do want to watch it too. The only reason I never watched it is because the year it was made just so happen to be in a period of life I was so full of self hatred that I refused to allow myself to enjoy the things I love. I was trying so hard to be someone I am not. Do the things you love, watch what you enjoy. If other's can't understand that ignore them. Don't let other's opinions and expectations control who you are.

You only live once after all. Nothing lasts forever so enjoy it while its here and treasure the memory when its gone. I think everyone tends to forget that from time to time. I know I sure do.

#random thoughts #yes i am crying as i typed this #time is constantly moving and sometimes I wish I could just go back #go back and tell younger me that it is okay to be myself #that its not wrong to have interests outside of “norm” #and that religion is NOT everything and never was for me #and I am still learning that #and for some god foresaken reason unas annas is like big neon sign reminder of that for me #fuck man

[itspileofgoodthings]

last post about many things but as a general example I feel that about my students.

#i love them. my anger comes from the disappointments of love and the reality of exhaustion #but if you think I’m not often full of anger at how they treat me #idk what to tell you #and people can talk to me until they’re blue in the face about how they’re teenagers and I’m the adult and they’re going through a lot #and what do I expect #and you know what it’s all TRUE. it’s all true #but that doesn’t mean that on the deepest emotional level I don’t feel pure crystalline anger when they mistreat me #or when they mistreat the books #I am learning how to handle that anger #but it’s there #yesterday I was so broken and exhausted I just taught class from a shutdown place #wouldn’t make eye contact. spoke very quietly. cried in the back of the classroom during moments #and part of it felt manipulative and part of me knew that I had nothing else to give them #if I’m at the point where my options are unloosing my anger or sadness on them in active warfare fashion #or protecting myself by wrapping myself up in mannerisms that clearly indicate I don’t have it in me anymore to deal with their bad behavior #i have to choose the latter #they all shut up they all did work so I know it was good #the thing that was a gift about it was the two girls who came up to me afterwards because they knew I was having a hard time #and it was two girls I’d been compassionate to when they were having a hard time #and this week has just been a good reminder of the importance of compassion and gentleness #I know that they will forget (collectively) and they will keep being what they are (annoying and immature) #but I need those moments where they see my humanity #or I can’t do this job #been wondering all week if I can actually do this job anyway #but I know that’s monkey chatter/nonsense #no easy way to do something that’s difficult you know? #everybody knows I’m fragile right now. which is both a humiliation and a gift #but I don’t really know any other way to move through space except by being honest at least somewhat about where I’m at #if people don’t give me the support I need I will crack so I can’t hide when I need it

[mushroom-winners-proof]

How am I supposed to not wake up my whole household when it's past 1 am and all I can read is "Vexen fucker", " Dragon ansem fucker' and the logistic of the latter in my notifications. I'm suffocating (not in the nice way) (just dying)

i got another brand of fucker to add to your woes anon #1

#'nsfw #snap chats #go to bed anon numero uno smh #'but snap dont you stay up hella late' im FIXING that i go to bed 11-12 now #as i always had but HMPH. having friends convinced me to stay up later lately #omg no that just reminded me of the cursed era where i used to be friends with this super weird bloke #thats a story for another time tho innit Point Is i used to stay up hella late just for him #and i remember tellin myself then that id have to learn to put my bondaries down and be ready to tell people im sleepin #kinda diff when your amigo's got a 14 hour timezone diff and bein able to chat's limited but w/e #this rants gone on way too long point is Im Numb And I Dont Know What To Do #thought about making a cake in a mug- even though bout drivin out to grab oreos for it but i mean #what does that solve #ill figure something out

[cuntwrap--supreme]

Oh heck. My mom's back on her bullshit, abusing her kids then acting like it is the fault of said kids.

#gotta love it #my sister who just turned 16 decided to go order food for herself for the first time #but she got the wrong thing because she's still learning how to be a people #she asked my mom to help her in exchanging it because she didn't know how that worked #my mom said no and told her to figure it out on her own #which sure you gotta learn on your own sometimes. but she began her response already screaming #like i was outside and could hear her clearly #i come inside to see my sister crying because my mom called her a stupid fucking bitch for misordering #i tell her to cut it out. she's a kid and she's going to make mistakes #my mom says something to me and my sister says something snarky back. as any teen would. #and my mom picks up a full bag off the table and hits my sister with it as hard as she can #my sister says her lip was bleeding for a while because of it #then this bitch tells me to kill myself and says i have nothing going for me #so i ask what she's got going on and if it's why she's never been able to hold down a job or a man #she gets in my face and i remind her that I'm stronger than she is and can pin her to the ground while I'm waiting for police if she hit me #she backs up locks my sister out of her room and takes all her shit #and my mom goes downstairs to her room. so i ask if she's gonna go pop pills and sadtext about how her kids hate her for no reason #her response for which is to shove my dog - who is old and hurt herself running the other day - into a wall as hard as she could #so i again remind her that i have no moral objection to punching out someone who is being a tyrant #she also stole my keys (why? who knows. i luckily have 2 backup keys) and my sister's debit card #and she's just in her room now clearly high as fuck and texting people about how her kids hate her so so much #like yeah. you can't abuse people their whole lives and expect adiration you fucking buffoon #anyway. here's my bi-weekly 'how do i adopt my siblings' google searches. yeehaw. #i just wish she'd get sent to jail again so i don't have to deal with her any more

[theygender]

I've gotten so good at recognizing and shutting down PTSD flashbacks that my brain has just moved straight on to "make up a guy to get mad about." Got me out here having traumatic memories about events that did not and will not happen

#like i get distracted and start thinking about random shit and then my brain just goes 'hey wouldn't it be fucked up if this happened' #and then starts playing out a scenario that would in fact be fucked up if it happened #and then i get caught up in it the same way i do a ptsd flashback and have to go through the whole thing as if it was actually happening #until i eventually realize what's going on and have to do the same process of telling myself that it's not really happening #and intentionally redirecting my thoughts to my actual irl surroundings to remind myself of what's real and get out of my own head #the only difference is that with my ptsd flashbacks i KNOW that I'm having a flashback bc my abusers are there #I've trained my brain to recognize that if [redacted] or [redacted] is there I'm having a flashback and i need to practice my coping skills #and it's especially easy for me to tell since most of my flashbacks are about the same handful of events #....so i guess my brain has decided to solve that by creating entirely new scenarios with imaginary people for me to get upset about #it's learned how to get around the censors 😭 #rambling