#but i want people to see this bc it took me like an hour to do

[mattodore]

The BOLD THE FACTS tag with Imani

tagged for my choice of oc by @pralinesims and @raiiny-bay <3

The Rules are simple! Tag people and name a character you want to know more about! If you want to let the person you tagged decide who to showcase, then don’t name a character and they can pick somebody. Easy! The person who is tagged will then bold the remarks below which apply to their character and, if they want to, include a picture with their reply!

[ PERSONAL ]

$ Financial: wealthy / moderate / poor / in poverty / other ✚ Medical: fit / moderate / sickly / disabled / disadvantaged / non applicable ✪ Class or Caste: upper / middle / working / unsure / other ✔ Education: qualified / unqualified / studying / other ✖ Criminal Record: yes, for major crimes / yes, for minor crimes / no (despite his attempts matthias has never successfully roped her into any of his mess lmao) / has committed crimes, but hasn’t been caught / yes, but charges were dismissed

[ FAMILY ]

◒ Children: had a child or children / has no children / wants children ◑ Relationship with Family: close with sibling (but it's complicated... imani has real love for her baby brother but she's also aware of the difference in how her parents treat the two of them and it's definitely impacted their relationship) / not close with sibling(s) / has no siblings / sibling(s) is deceased ◔ Affiliation: orphaned / adopted / disowned / raised by birth parents / not applicable / other

[ TRAITS + TENDENCIES ]

♦ extroverted / introverted / in between ♦ disorganized / organized / in between ♦ close minded / open-minded / in between ♦ calm / anxious / in between ♦ disagreeable / agreeable / in between ♦ cautious / reckless / in between ♦ patient / impatient / in between ♦ outspoken / reserved / in between (she's more outspoken when she's just with romeo or matthias, but when she's around her parents she gets quiet) ♦ leader / follower / in between ♦ empathetic / vicious bastard / in between ♦ optimistic / pessimistic / in between ♦ traditional / modern / in between ♦ hard-working / lazy / in between ♦ cultured / uncultured / in between / unknown ♦ loyal / disloyal / unknown ♦ faithful / unfaithful / unknown

[ BELIEFS ]

★ Faith: monotheist / polytheist / atheist / agnostic ☆ Belief in Ghosts or Spirits: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care ✮ Belief in an Afterlife: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care ✯ Belief in Reincarnation: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care ❃ Belief in Aliens: yes / no /don’t know / don’t care ✧ Religious: orthodox / liberal / in between / not religious ❀ Philosophical: yes / no

[ SEXUALITY & ROMANTIC INCLINATION ]

❤ Sexuality: heterosexual / homosexual / bisexual / asexual / pansexual ❥ Sex: sex repulsed / sex neutral / sex favorable / naïve and clueless / other ♥ Romance: romance repulsed / romance neutral / romance favorable / naïve and clueless / romance suspicious ❣ Sexually: adventurous / experienced / naïve / inexperienced (she's had sex before but her experiences have been few and far in between) / curious ⚧ Potential Sexual Partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all ⚧ Potential Romantic Partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all

[ ABILITIES ]

☠ Combat Skills: excellent / good / moderate (she's taken a self-defense class before and matthias has taught her a couple nasty tricks in case she ever needs them) / poor / none ≡ Literacy Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none ✍ Artistic Skills: excellent / good (she sketches while she's waiting around; she's often drawing her own designs, fairies, flowers, snakes, pointy scribbles, or spirals) / moderate / poor / none ✂ Technical Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

[ HABITS ]

☕ Drinking Alcohol: never / special occasions / sometimes / frequently / alcoholic ☁ Smoking: tried it (disliked the taste and the smell) / trying to quit / quit / never / rarely / sometimes / frequently / chain-smoker ✿ Recreational Drugs: never / special occasions / sometimes / frequently / addict ✌ Medicinal Drugs: never / no longer needs medication (used to take meds for an old ballet related injury but she's good now) / some medication needed / frequently / to excess ☻ Unhealthy Food: never / special occasions / sometimes / frequently / binge eater $ Splurge Spending: never / sometimes / frequently / shopaholic ♣ Gambling: never (she's too disciplined for that)  / rarely / sometimes / frequently / compulsive gambler

tagging @cowboycid for val, @helltrait for chris, and @tau1tvec for isa! and let me just rapid fire some of you who i think might have fun with this tag game!! @birdietrait, @wildmelon, @diwns, @fangs-trait, @deehya, @bunmou, and @spurgees

#@ed twenty ppl all together so hopefully if any of you wanted to join in then you got an @ :3c #river dipping #imani haut #echthroi #oc extras #ts4 #this took me so much longer than i thought it would thanks to ea wanting me dead and me having too much fun in cas but anywayyyyyyy #MISS MODELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL #MOST GORGEOUS WOMAN EVERRRRRRRRR #imani is probably the third most important character in the echthroi universe #sehyuk is kinda tied with her but that's really only bc he's how matthias and theo meet. shrugs. #like sehyuk is plot important in that way but imani is close with matthias and she gets close to theo later on <3 #theo's friends aren't rlly like that bc they mostly all dislike or in some cases hate matthias......... jdkfhnkhdnfjkhgjkdfgndkfkhndfhj #which like tbf............. would YOU trust your friend to MATTHIAS of all people? i rest my case #anyway i rlly wanna get into the backgrounds of all the echthroi side characters on here more but that would #require me to stop thinking exclusively abt mattodore for a few hours...... but. like. how could i do that. how. #but yeah...... i think imani sehyuk jordan and dutchie have the most fleshed out backstories out of all of the side characters #ummmmm anyway <3 this took a lot longer than i thought like where did the time go……. but okay. #i'm going to go back to my activity feed now bc i actually hadn't finished reading the posts i was tagged in in the first place 🧍 #i swear the last two days i’ve been like okay time to log in and catch up and see how everyone’s been doing lately 🧎 #only to then end up doing something like this for 4+ straight hours #i’m actually normally asleep by now but here i am…. i need to at least get thru my activity feed before sleeping like i need to do this 🔫

[starbuck]

been thinking about Them so i redrew a screenshot to cope (it made me worse)

#tuco salamanca #nacho varga #better call saul #thinking is so bad - i need to stop doing it #desperately want to write something coherent about them - but i haven’t managed it yet so have this instead! #the way i drew Tuco in like 45 minutes and then Nacho took me fucking hours #and i’m STILL not fully happy with him!!!!!! #he looks so easy to draw and YET!!!!!!!! #i was trying to capture a lot of different emotions there too #bc the primary emotion is obviously that Nacho knows he’s about to betray Tuco and he’s worried about that… about something going wrong #but there’s also like. he’s watching Tuco do this stupid ‘lie detector’ thing - right? #and that’s probably really annoyed Nacho in the past bc - as he says - it makes what could be a very quick and efficient collections #take hours and hours #but now it’s like. this is the last time he’s EVER gonna see Tuco doing it and that’s Something - right? #because also you have Tuco scanning every dealer desperately for any sign of betrayal #and all the while the real danger is sitting right behind him in the form of the one person he trusts completely #it’s all just So Fucking Much #more people should be insane about this #let’s hear it for the Miserable Depressing Relationships gang!!!! rise up!!!!!!

[mrfoox]

.... OK I really hope I can keep this dude ♥

#miranda talking shit #Like... I just want him around me... Yeah. First visit I thought it may be how I felt. Now I'm like lol yeah #8+ hour visit later... Not even that I just... Am being used for sx like we talk so much #We talked about past experiences and love and children etc. Like... I guess we just vibe. Or rather I feel like we do #We make each other laugh and he seem to want to touch me and want to tell me about things #He talked about metal (or we about music but I'm not a metal head so) and he played songs for me #He found my reactions to them funny. Some song did some guitar thing and I was like “woah!” #He laughed and after the song went into explaining what it was. How it was done and such #“i wonder what you think about this... Or... Well maybe you won't care. But I think you may find it interesting?” #Me already clawing at the phone: yes yes I'm interested show me!!! #I love having people show me things willingly. Like even if it's embarrassing or whatever like hey I am going to love it #He showed Warhammer figures he had painted and talked about that #I love hearing people info dump like omgggg hiiii tell me everything uwu #I took up the... Idea of being fwb and being like... Exclusive about it. And he was like “I mean... I haven't really been seeing anyone els #Mainly bc I don't want to and bc it's so... -makes eye contact with me-“ me: tiring?”-deep sigh-yes so tiring.... “ #He shared a lot of personal things in general and one thing in detail he definitely didn't have to #I mean I casually say I got daddy issues but that's like... Yeah my dad never cared for me and my siblings that's just how it is ya know #Idk man. Been a while I... Felt so... At ease and.... Open so quick with anyone. I liked Linus quick but not in this way #I hope I get to keep him around me for more... Like he's.... I think we have things in common but we are definitely still different enough #Want to learn everything I can about him. Plus he let's me be... Overly affectionate and serviceing him like an doting mom (how I want to #Treat everyone in my life but I know majority don't accept it). I get to bring him a drink and help him get dressed to go outside #Men who just goes along with how I want to express affection and not hate it is great #I mean. I don't think he have been touched this... Affectionately before either. I'm very intense and like.... Yeah it's like I'm in love #With you. Sorry I'm stroking your face and looking into your eyes and all :/ #He just smiles. Me with basically heart shaped eyes and he's like: :) #Some nerdy brunette: hi (: me: omg? Spend all your free time with me???

[skenpiel]

LMFAO I JUST REALIZED I NEVER LOOKED UP THE VIDEOS THAT YOUTUBER FEATURED US IN FROM NCS 😭 this is borderline painful to watch

#I WANTED TO SEE IF THERE WERE ANY MORE PICTURES OF US FROM COMICCON #bc so many people took pictures of us youd think wed be featured somewhere other than a chess site. but no </3 #gonna have to blame that on the fact that 1. neither me nor my sister have an instagram to share when asked #and 2. i look so fucking bad in all pictures always. total garbage #i look soooo good irl but im so unphotogenic its painful 😭 #ANYWAY there was that one youtuber who films me at every con i totally forgot about the utdr meetup (read: 1 hour group photoshoot) at ncs #IM THERE LAWL. A LOT. #i loved my noelle cosplay i really did feel pretty in it. however. #i have literally never been more insecure about not having brown eyes i felt like a total freak #i guess u could argue with her ice themes blue/gray eyes would..... MAYBE fit......... but literally it felt so wrong #in what world does a sweet doe have cold hostile blue eyes. NEVER is the answer #shoutout to everyone with brown eyes you make ife worth living /gen

[orcelito]

hmmm

maybe i need to not do this tonight after all

#speculation nation #discacc shit #i am. just stressing myself out with this pressure lol #+ with minimal encouragement atm im just running myself in circles #trying desperately to finish writing. and i am soooo close #but i can just imagine how this will turn out #i push myself too hard to finish this chapter tonight. which it WOULD take a real push to finish it tonight. #bc im officially at 16k words for this chapter. and i am not even done writing. #i stay up far too late to edit. bc that is a Lot of words to edit. #i end up sleep deprived. it's a long chapter so people wont even be able to read it quickly #i can barely sleep anyways bc im too busy waking up every hour to check to see if there are any comments (which there likely wont be. #or at least will be minimal comments. bc as i said it is a long chapter. people cant make it through it quickly) #then i crash tomorrow bc i didnt get the engagement i worked so hard for as quickly as i wanted it #im still without a beta reader bc andi is recovering which means i dont have the safety net / reassurance that beta reading provided me #and ultimately i end up in a shit state tomorrow. unable to even jump into my next bit of writing as ive pressured myself to do. #i can see it fully laid out before me bc this is EXACTLY what has happened the last few chapters. last chapter especially. #i did end up getting pretty good engagement on the last chapter. but it took time. & by then i'd already had an entire crash over it #as much as i want to finish this b4 the 21st i really need to be mindful with myself #i am doing no one any favors by rushing it. least of all myself. #really if youve read this far + youre a discacc reader. i would rly appreciate if u could send me some kind of encouragement #even as little as liking this post would help. tho a reply/ask would b more effective lol #im currently stuck in the sink hole of 'no one cares' so. it'd help to have that proven wrong. #is it annoying that i have no fucking object permanence w/ knowing ppl care about my writing? Absolutely! #but idk im just trying to do my best with a shit brain. any bit of help/reassurance would be appreciated

[flintbian]

Me: 0 Gender: 3 just this week

#once again i didnt think i cared until i showed my few work outfits and APPARENTLY I AINT FEMININE ENOUGH AND I WANT TO SCREAM #literally i was excited and feeling very good about it until someone commented and i saw red #once again i had no idea i felt strongly about this at all but then again ive never had people comment negatively before #this year ive been dressing more how i want and experimenting but i was hanging around queer ppl so got positive feedback #then my mother comes in and makes me see red fists clenched stomach in knots hours later #maybe it's not even about how i present (and i dont need to open my damn buttons why do i need to be showing cleavage fuck you) #(yes im wearing more masc clothing but it's still women's fuck off) #maybe it was just the policing that did it but i feel rotten now #it took me SIX BLOODY HOURS to find even two shirts i liked and i was feeling them but no im presenting Wrong some fucking how #i guess for school i was dressed appropriately enough but i dress like my dad ive realized #and this has all been surprisingly frustrating i thought i didn't care but you start policing me and saying im not in x box and i go mad #besides that when ive been experimenting this year again it's only been queer ppl or clare and she loves the looks #and ive been getting piercings and figuring out if there may be a way after all to get tats #but you show a Model Citizen your work outfits and you're Wrong somehow as if it matters #like everything was a problem 'why are you wearing essentially men's styles why does it have a collar why is it buttoned up' #even the material was a factor like bc the shirt is more flowy that made it better as opposed to polo or cotton or whatever material #LIKE WE'RE ASSIGNING GENDER TO FABRICS NOW?!! I DIDNT EVEN LOOK AT THE BLOODY FABRIC THE HELL?? #hannah loved the outfits but they understand of course #tomboy is fine apparently as long as you grow out of it but if it stays? wrong and literally fuck off why does it matter?? #excuse me i dont even have any cleavage to show why are the buttons so damn important #again didnt think i had strong feelings about myself but apparently i do #how is it my father is more accepting than??? #and for years i didnt get to experiment with clothing hell i was trying to find stuff i could wear with nerve pain #i dont think im trans like that's not it i just hate boxes and having to conform to some stupid standard we made up and being policed #bc im apparently not feminine enough or whatever #and what's weird is years ago i wanted to be considered pretty but that's completely gone now as ive been finding myself and style #currently rocking the androg look but some people dont fucking like that and ive been dealing with this for like only two weeks #and it's maddening already #anyways both out of wanting to and spite im going to cut even more of my hair off soon and lean harder into this #p

[hey-op-just-kill-me]

I love being reassured that I’m definitely aro

#okay so let me explain #when I watch romcoms it hits in my brain of like wow I wish I had a partner that would be nice wouldn’t it #so recently I’ve been watching all this stuff and it’s made me sad that I probably don’t fit in those boxes #a thing that I am perfectly comfortable with and very much so okay with… it took long enough for me to be okay with me but anyways #so I’ve been hanging out with my friend and idk I feel like we’ve been borderline flirting and my brain was trying to shove me into that box #and then cue panic mode because wtf #so I went over this kid’s house yesterday and he wanted to have a sleepover and it totally didn’t feel like a normal let’s watch Star Wars #i texted my mom to pick me up after like 3 hours #and my mom picked me up and I internally lost my shit for a while just thinking #but brain went hey why are we trying to be something we aren’t stop panicking just be yourself not someone else #so it’s not like I would have dated this kid bc I don’t do that but it felt like that direction and it made me uncomphy #and in a strange kinda way that is a comfort as a reassurance that I definitely know stuff yk #like I find myself in situations then I’m hit with a oh yeah I’m definitely aroace no matter what people say #and it totally doesn’t help that my GSA advisor tries to tell me that I’ll find love eventually!!! as if that is a good thing to tell a teen #idk I just wish there was actual good rep for aros like I wish I had a character I could see and be like wow I’m actually normal #and I know normal is the wrong word bc there isn’t anything wrong with me it’s just I don’t know many aro people at all and it sucks #shhhh shut the fuck up ollie

[mxdotpng]

ive been playing tales of arise lately and hmmm im not sure how i feel about the game. i think i could summarize my thoughts as "just okay" but i dont think thatd be right either

#.text #tales #its like ummm. the first few hours of the game are rlly boring to me ❤️ #i got out of calaglia and the game felt a lot better to play. i tended to play abt 90 minutes at a time while still in calaglia and #it took forever to get out of there bc it was just ummm. boring. #and i cant say cyslodia is much better tbh i feel like its generally the same but also no its not? it feels more fluid and #i think the characters feel better in this part. its weird. im not sure how to describe it #when i looked up the game to see how people thought of it it was more or less just a lot of 'has anyone even played this game' and 'no' #which isnt bad u know but i think its RLLY fuckin funny. ive seen some people say it gets rlly good but also i just dont see it yet #i mean i bought it so ofc im GONNA finish it. like the idea they have seems rlly cool... a guy who's memories are seemingly #sealed away inside the indestructable mask hes forced to wear and who can feel no pain. & a girl who inflicts pain upon everyone #she touches. i think shionne suffers a bit from her character writing but she has moments that make her really shine so #im not gonna judge her too hard for it yet. emotions also might be tied to her curse so u know. like i said. not judging yet. #and tbh i think id say the exact same for alphen. sometimes hes really interesting and fun and other times he feels really #stagnant and emotionless. ray chase is doomed to play the exact same character for every role hes in #he was at his best when he played brother nier in replicant and i can see pieces of that in alphens character as the game goes on so #im willing to wait for him as well. rinwell is really cute even if her and shionne's relationship is annoying. i see where its coming #from but i also just hate it when women in media Hate Eachother. what i have against those 2 is literally JUST me so u know #like i said 'just okay' isnt. Accurate but it also ISNT accurate. i dont know how to describe it. #i feel like what they wanted to go for in terms of story and themes was missed for the first part of the story by like a lot #not sure what my feelings are for that one but they arent positive. but like i just think calaglia overall sucked #its weird. like the writing REALLY feels like they just started Actually Caring once we got to cyslodia. its strange #but like whatever. ill See. ill see. eventually. probably. #summary: noctis lucis caelum is in this game.

[oatbugs]

IM SO FUCKING PISSED RN . tonight was bad but good but bad

also ran out of tag space so rest of tags in rb

#the only other autistic person amongst my friends was like one of my closest friends and i just . ughh #basically we used to hang out a lot esp into sunrise etc and hed tell me abt his problems andnstuff and i just #had to delay my exam and thenfire and everything and i thought hed be there for me too and we all met up last night and i was like #hi i need to vent and he said . and i quote . get in line bitch . which was bad and also weird #he then proceeded to leave without a word after like an hour . and my other friends said he was just in a bad mood etc but whatever it felt #weird . and i texted him that night to check up saying hey u seemed a bit upset are u ok etc and he ignored it #while responding to stuff on the GC . and i was obviously upset bc he said that and proceeded to ignore the text etc #and what he said wasnt ok . anyway tonight we met up and he showed up super late and like . didnt talk to me the whole time despite making #direct eye contact and when we were leaving the bar i literally told him hey stop being a dick bro . like w a smile but like yh #and he kind of got rly upset and his first question was is this bc i talked to K and not you (K being one of the only girls in the group) #(who also treated me weirdly but whom i still care for a lot which he should Know) and i said no its bc you ignored my text after being rly #rude last night. meanwhile my friend with whom i had a kind of deal w for like . not smoking and stuff . took a long drag off a cigarette #and obviously i just saw it happen and his hair being too messy and idk it was like an instant heartbreak kind of moment like why would u #do this you said youd never smoke so i kind of just . looked at him and asked him why hes doing this and he looked back and kept smoking . #upsetting situation but the friend i was talking abt first took this as me walking away from him or whatever ?? like bro ? you see this #happening in front of you #anyway a bit later on into the walk i fall back w him and i ask if he wants to talk and he literally fucking #proceeds to say how he left that night bc his discord friends were doing smth better or whatever and he was standing behind me and i didnt #talk to him first and how he doesnt want to talk and hes sick of talking to people meanwhile im out here being a bitch #and as hes saying all of this hes getting louder so i tell him to not raise his voice bc our friends are in front of us #and i dont want this to be a fight i just wajted to talk to him and he blows up even louder like NO IM NOT GOING TO LOWER MY VOICE IM #TRYING TO MAKE A POINT and he keeps going abt how im being bitchy and he was just right there and i apparently ignored him or whatever . #and like i just let him talk bc i was like . hes not calming down so im gonna let him say whatever and then respond calmly . he then #proceeds to leave . just turns around and leaves w no chance for me to say anything #i had bigger concerns (i.e. drunk friend) but it was still so fucking confusing like ??? i texted u if ur ok and u ignored it why is it #now on me to approach u irl again ? what gives u the right to raise ur voice at me and call me a bitch ? #what gives u the right to be a dick to us but esp to tell me to get in line just bc ur friends are on discord and ppl are chewing too loud? #like what the FUCK bro. but anyway after that we went to a park and i talked to my friends friend and we had a lot in common and it was #like 1-3 AM but ppl kept coming and going and laying down and sitting on the swings and playing old music #and staring at the stars there were so so many stars . i checked up on my friend who smoked and made sure he was ok etc (S

[be-good-to-bugs]

itd be so cool if the shitty people in my life were not shitty and were actually slightly decent

#the bin #:/ i wanna stop feeling horrible abt shit with my sister but it makes me so angry and upset ALL the time #im so fucked up abt this. how could i not be. i guess. hhhhh. i dont know what to do. it sucks so much. #its so hard to deal with the aftermath of a deeply abusive relationship in general. and when you cant talk to anyone about it or tell #anyone who knows that person. and you have to continue to be nice or at least civil with them. probably forever. #that SUUUUCKS. she is so awful. shes always been awful. i want to heal from that experience but i feel like im still stuck #probably mostly because im literally physically stuck 1000 miles away from everyone else i know in a place where shes the only person i know #but even after that i think ill still feel so stuck. theres a lot of things she has that i really need to get from her before i do anything #that might make her mad at me. i want to delete our stupid chat full of uncomfortable shit vut thats gonna piss her off #she has a lot of pictures of me from when i was younger and those are pretty much the only pictures of me from then #i can barely even remember those years. id like to get those if i can. also i wanna see if i can convince her to delete all the weird videos #she took of me without my consent while i was having psychotic episodes bc like. what the fuck. AND i know she literally just shows them #to her friends and laughs at them bc shes told me she does. which is very upsetting. and if i can get her to delete them id feek so much #better and not be upset over that all the time #i just cant get iver how much she fucking sucks. she does so much fucked up shit and its so awful. why would she ever think its ok ti record #me when im not in a good headspace. without telling me. and then upload it to her snapchat also without telling me #i only found out about her doing that originally because she decided to show me some of the funny things people said about me on the #video i didnt even know existed and had no memory of what happened. she loves to claim shes so chill and nice and good about mental #illness and she understands it so much and would never ever do anything weird and ableist like that. and then does that. #i feel so much worse abiut myslef and all the behaviors i have caused by my myriad of mental shit specifically because of her #ugh i am so not looking forward to being in a car with her for 20 hours when i move. but thats how it has to be.

[piningprecussionist]

(ooc)

I want you all to know that if I had the energy for it. There are so many posts stored in my drafts I long to queue... but neglected to preemptively tag, despite knowing I am Like This....

Anyway, there is a slight chance the queue might run out tomorrow unless I can get more responses in there-- I am,, tired,,

#(<- accidentally took a 3 hour nap instead of continuing to work on art and edits for answers today) #((well. yesterday. semantics.)) #there are like. 3 or 4 posts I REALLY want to queue SO SO BADLY from when i was going through older blogs before. but. the source links... #they're all broken... or in the case of one gif- the poster noted that they had no idea who made the gif #and i like to give credit where credit is due. yknow? #((one of them is this little scott and kim interaction and I am like Gripping My Head in Anguish with how I so long to queue it....)) #((i need more scott and kim content. not even talking ship stuff you guys please just give me them bickering i will love you forever)) #(i mean i do have little things w them i can draw myself. but then I have to do it... so i like it less... /hj) #((i need money in a transferable format. so I can. commission more of them hanging out. this is the solution realistically...)) #((*sighs*)) #anyway. idk this is probably a false alarm again.. I think the last 3 times I've been like ''oh the queue is gonna run out!'' I've managed + #+to find more posts to cram in there. so watch me eat my fucking words i guess shdjdhdbfnddn #i guess if i wanted I could queue more of my screenshots from SPTO E1.... hm... #(we'll see what happens. although i suppose now is your chance to sound off if you want me to do that) #ooc #txt #actually. additional note. some people have before- but if you ever see a post and you're like ''oh! i haven't seen this here yet'' you are+ #+super welcome to send me the post and I'll queue it up. i try to see as much as i can but. we can probably assume which tags i camp out in+ #+more. #(also. sometimes stuff just. doesn't show up in the tags/for me. bc this is a hellsite. 😔) #((love this site though. please never die- tumblr-- maybe just. actually get better for once.... *grimacing at Recent/Ongoing Events*))

[tripably]

The way my own brain tries to sabotage my attempt at obtaining a healthier relationship with food is astonishingly irritating, mostly due to being so unbelievably illogical.

When my body started screaming about being ravenously hungry approximately two hours ago, my brain sent out an immediate, automated, unrepliable response along the lines of "No food necessary. You can't possibly be hungry, you've not even done anything today".

As if I haven't been up for, what, 11 hours, majority of which trying to internalize everything I possibly can regarding my new job, on just two cups of coffee and a small bowl of pasta. As if thinking and learning new things wouldn't require energy.

Or no, in fact, as if the task of having sustained the bodily functions of an actual real life person for the past 30 years including today couldn't possibly require more energy than whatever is in 100 grams of white pasta with trace amounts of feta cheese and olive oil, a couple of cherry tomatoes, and maybe a desilitre of oat milk.

As if I would somehow (how????) need to earn the right to, what, keep sustaining said bodily functions? In the eyes of whom, my own brain? Surely not that brain, the one that is in fact included in those bodily functions that apparently aren't significant enough to deserve to go on uninterrupted??

Like does this brilliant brain of mine seriously believe that starving myself is somehow an option that leads to a good outcome? Have we not seen enough logical proof against that? Have we not read enough articles about the ineffectiveness and dangers of diet culture?

And if reading about it really is not enough: have we not been doing that for the past 15 years with whatever is the the opposite of success? How fucking long do we have to keep repeating the same fucking behaviour before accepting the fact that it is not fucking working??????

#unspecified and undiagnosed eating disorders #unhealthy eating habits #under read more bc i know how triggering this topic can be and because i'm not sure how to tag this #but yeah it only took me half an hour or so to wake up to my very own gaslighting and now i'm waiting for my dinner to cook #i hate having to learn how to eat at 30 years old #against a brain that's hellbent on believing whatever bullshit it's internalized re obesity and health #apparently also against a brain that doesn't necessarily want us to stay alive? which i guess shouldn't feel so much like a surprise #with my history #anyway this is such a fucking boring thing to learn #i could be learning to play an instrument #or a new language #or to improve my literary analysis skills #or literally anything fun and interesting #but no #here i am trying to learn how to keep myself alive as if 30 years shouldn't be enough time to learn that #i guess i should focus on the fact that i did catch these thought processes though #instead of blaming myself for things i struggle with regardless of whether they are my own fault or not #and instead of comparing my struggles to those i see and don't see affecting other people #also it just now dawned on me that i've now spent two hours obsessing over the ways in which i struggle taking care of myself #in no productive way #bye gotta go decide what to do with the rest of my evening

[allofuswantgwinam]

i used my tarot deck for the first time in literally like a year today 🤩 never seems to not make me shooketh, i got the exact answer i was needing but at the same time i still dk what to do 🤣🤣 you’d think my ancestors would help me not indecisive but no we indecisive lmao

#tbh tho i took the message as a way for too particular things so #had me like ‘y’all I ain’t even askin about that wtf’ #soo guess time will tell #i wanna start getting into that #especially since I work nights so I have plenty of time before work #which I used to always do it before work last time I had these hours and it would be HITTIN #I’d ask for advice for the day and stuff or like what I should expect for the day #the day the trumpets raided the capital I pulled the devil card #I cannot even make this up #and there was twice where i found a card randomly on the floor in my room #craziness #either way tho i need that back in my life #my ears be ringing and everything liek i have not even talked about Thai on here bc I don’t want people to think I’m crazy #bc I’m not #I’ve accepted this part of my life and tbh I think I sacred myself away from it when I was a kid #bc i saw my grandma one time and it freaked me tf out and she never came to see me again 😭😭 #and she. I was really little my mom thought I had an imaginary friend bc I would literally like talk to him. I said it was my shadow brother #she said that was fucking terrrifying bc I was like 3 so why tf would I say that 🤣 #but after she told me this randomly when I got older I figured out it was my twin that didn’t make it #I said it was probably a boy because she never got to find out the gender #that’s some spooky shit fr #I wish I could remember but I don’t at all #I only remember seeing my grandma bc I did not even speak of it to anyone for the looooongest time #I was spooked asf #anyways tho if I would get my shit together and work hard for this I could probably make a job out of this #I already predict everyone’s future for free so might as well get paid for it 🤣🤣🤣 #I be the knower of the things and still make dumb ass decions #literally my brother said that to me #made me mad bc he was nice and then said the last bit 🙃 but he right

[sagxshi]

i fucking hate everything about applying for mcat fee assistance this shit fucking sucks fuck the aamc

#splatter speaks #personal // #dont rb/// #like. the whole thing is super fucking classist. its not enough to say that youre poor and submit like tax returns. no they want like 15 #goddamn documents. they want some from each parent (even if you dont live with them. i havent lived with my dad in decades and they still #wanted like. welfare statements. ). i actually just had to resubmit a bunch of forms bc they werent Precise enough. #it took me fucking MONTHS!!! to get everything together thanks to bureaucratic nonsense!!! #i started this application in JUNE. it is now SEPTEMBER. #like listen i wouldve given up if it werent for how fucking much i want to pursue medicine. #i stfg they do this on purpose to prevent poor people from applying. #this would be so helpful. like it means i dont have to pay as much to send each school app later (it costs hundreds per school). and it #also drops the price of the MCAT exam itself from $330 to $150. #i dont plan on taking it more than i have to but still. any little bit helps. #listen idk this turned into a whole ass rant. plus i have work tomorrow and i spent like 3 hours precharting bc we have 47 fucking patients #tomorrow for some fucking reason. who the fuck decided that would be ok. we normally see high 30s if that. #oh and this isnt even touching the fact i have to write a second essay talking about why i identify as like. a marginalized group. like. im #fucking disabled dude. why are you making it Harder for disabled people and not making the abled people write about why THEY should get in. #jk i know why!!! its ableism!!!! #jesus christ. im so drained. like yall i just want to be a forensic pathologist SO BAD. ive been aiming for that since high school #i know medicine is a horrible field rn but like. i genuinely want to do it. #anyways idk how else to say it. plus my hands hurt from typing all this

[no-one-hears-me]

happy midnight today is the one year anniversary of an iconic photo that I need to send to bestie later

#it's of bestie and ex and a few other people #bestie absolutely hates it 😭 but it's so funny and I took it so it lives in my snapchat memories #I reference it every now and then and I am so excited to send it to him #there's also a really awful pic of me and my ex from like an hour after and we both hate it #fortunately bestie left right before that pic was taken so he doesn't even know it exists :D no pics for him to harrass me about #what else. I actually have several pics from that night so my memories for today are fun #it was a lame party ngl but I still enjoyed it and had some good moments #and then when I got home. my mom was awake so I had to act sober which was very fun #I sent bestie a video of my candle drawer bc he couldn't believe it exists (I own a lot of candles) #my ex called me and we had a nice lil chat. good times #btw. the party actually was the evening of the 23rd but all the pics were taken after midnight so they're for today #makes me sad to know that I was drunk at this time last year and now I'm sitting on my couch. writing a tumblr post #soooo embarrassing. whatever I'm gonna see if bestie wants to hangout this weekend prob tomorrow night #gotta go to bed soon I got things to do in the morning #FUNNY bc I had the same thing to do last year on this day and yet I stayed up the whole night #this is also a significant day for other reasons btw but I don't wanna explain all that #but that started 3 years ago. and then last year added to it #Sera

[bpdamandayoung]

i feel like i lost the most important person in my life

#he's a cat i know but he was mine. i raised him. i took care of him when he was sick. and i might never see him again #he's never been outside for so long since i found him. he's afraid of people sneezing and the whole world is so loud #and he must be terrified #for years i told my family to not let him out alone and for longer than an hour bc apparently he would have died if he didn't go outside #from time to time #my mother told me so many stories from her childhood about finding one of her cats as a roadkill #and she let him out. and acted like i was crazy for being mad nobody searched for him for hours #she straight up said if she knew he would go missing she wouldn't have let him out. damn i'm sorry he didn't tell her his plans #anyways idk if i'm ending it tonight i don't want to live without him #depression and stuff