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#but i was still depressed for 2 years after moving out bc i was unmedicated and bottling everything up
iam-warrior ยท 3 years
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I have an urge to cry..
Don't worry i'm not.
I'm listening to dead and gone by TI and focusing on something other than the fact that I'm uncomfortable and my stomach is turning. Why though?
No like seriously that question is as much for you as it is me.
I lost my job in february, shortly after I started taking my narcolepsy medication regularly. It allowed me to stay awake but made me feel like I was ran strictly on anxiety.
I've tried to work 2 separate organized jobs since then. I even went to do some yard work for my boyfriends parents and spent at least 30 hours on the bushes. My job was to cut the maples, I got obsessed with leveling the dirt too.
That was when I for real for real new something was wrong.
Like the kinda wrong that makes a 23 year old girl stop working all year, miss out on her summer, and making the decision to stop driving.
***Keeps turning music down but there all explaining my life rn***
~My head~
Poor girl, I didn't protect her like I should in the past.
I played soccer for a majority of life. I remember 2 seperate moments when I was knocked out. Both times I jumped up and tried to go back in position or begged to go back in. I've always wanted to be involved.
On top of the 2 (not 3) years ago I had a golf cart accident. I don't remember much for the night it happened. I woke up the next afternoon in a bed in geneva with an aching should. Like real bad. On my way home I took a nap in the back seat of my impala. Fuck my ex, however I was grateful he called me to try to hook up that night, lol.
Woke my ass up. When I got home I walked past my cousin and had a short conversation.
"are you okay?" she said
"I have to go to bed." I kept saying.
The next morning I asked my cousin to take me to the hospital for my shoulder.
When the doctor came in, I don't remember any questions I was asked except..
"Did you hit your head?"
"~I honestly don't know~" she met me with a concerned look.
I don't remember any of the test or the face of the person (I believe was a woman) telling me I was being admitted downtown.
"~Will you call my (dad/parents)~" I soon would regret saying to my cousin. I'm grateful for the help I received in my time of need.
However I'm not a dumbass. I've seen most of their moves and had to set a personal boudry. Obviously I'm at a disadvantage, please don't abuse that. Kinda fucked up bc I called my father, who has accused me of being a drug addict and begged for financial help. He is helping with my car note. I think he's finally starting to understand somethings actually wrong.
Which is fare,.when I was medicated for narcolepsy, I didn't even know what I was trying to say but saying a trillion words.
Honestly within the madness there was clarity. But once someone sees your anxious, I guess you can't think or make valid points.
ESPECIALLY at the dr. God I'm so frustrated.
I'm been having what I call "stuck" moments. I'm convinced there seizures now.
why would I say something like that, anxiety?
Nope! It's the fact i've had uncontrollable spasms that have covered my whole body. My boyfriend even pulled a Jaw Breakers out of my mouth once.
~HE IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING BLESSING~
Besides that, I get localized muscles spasms daily.
Now my fatigue is wow, way worse which I didn't think was possible.
Warrior; unmedicated
My head hurts, the screens and music make it worse but keeps me awake.
I'm cold but not running a fever. I'm finding a new liking for sweats and these sonic slippers that are more like socks. A blanket and pillow called the fluff, bc well there fluffy.
My neck, My Back..
My legs, arms and all that!
Yeah well they feel weird.
I wouldn't say they all hurt, some areas do.
It's more uncomfortable I'd say.
My head hurts really bad and I can't stop thinking about last night. I don't even remember what happened but I had a 'stuck' moment and Logan asked me..
"Do you even know what happened"
That made me sad, exhaustion overcame me. He told me it was okay after but like, no the fuck it's not.
I mean it might have to be. Hopefully cleveland gives me some answers.
My stomach usually upset, my headaches come and go throughout the day; unless it takes me completely out. Bowel movements changing.
Had some nipple discharge a few months back, that was odd. There was an ultrasound done and didn't spark any interest. Good sign!
My short term memory isn't great but I really remember a lot of feeling and periods from my past. especially if something triggers a flashback.
***Adjust lighting so head had relief***
With all that being said, I started thinking about this lump on the base of my skull behind my ear.
I felt it and it flashed me back to a serious moment I had with one of my friends in 4th grade.
I asked my friend about what I'm assuming is a lymph node that was swollen around my groin. My friend immediately told me I should talk to my mom and get it looked at. Smart girl.
Anywho I told her, don't remember anything else about it. probably got the same answer I've gotten over the years.
"you're probably fighting an infection your fine."
oh okay cool yo.
Long story short, my body has gotten bigger since 4th grade. That lump is still there, not one on the other side. However, I did go to the gyno recently. I was diagnosed with Cin1 doesn't mean you will or won't give you cancer, just that your at higher risk. WIll continue with recommended pap screenings.
The bump behind my left ear, has not shrunk, may have grown but I can't fucking remember. I can tell you that I've had it longer than the head injury, I have made my doctor clear of this multiple times.
Swollen, painless lymph nodes in the neck, armpits or groin
Unexplained weight loss
Fever
Soaking night sweats
Coughing, trouble breathing or chest pain
Weakness and tiredness that don't go away
Pain, swelling or a feeling of fullness in the abdomen
So orange happens often but purple is and has remained the same.
But this is all psych?
Well that's what my primary care physician keeps telling me. I should be on an antidepressant, but I'm not depressed?
For a short period of time was I? Absolutely. I lost my job, but I was relieved when I left that place.
I have in the past had many psych symptoms such as anxiety. However, the anxiety has decreased immensely, I do not feel depressed and I've been on antidepressants before. Didn't work for me.
Since I have shown signs of mental health in the past, my doctor refuses to take me seriously.
Let me ask you this doc!
Why when I was making dinner last night, did I see stars and have to sit down? Why do I at times have to verbally pep talk myself, both in front of people and on my own to get to a piece of furniture before collapsing? Why is my boyfriend asking me if I remember what happened before telling me I like fell over/collapsed and came back to distraught quickly after on the couch last night. Why don't I have the energy to have sex with my sexy man? or play with my friends son which I love. Or go hang out with friends? Or drive? or plan for my future? is it all psych?
So you tell me doc. I feel hopeful, I pray every day. Now, as dramatic as it may seem. When I do cry it's when I pray. I pray to God and thank him for the many amazing miracles I have and continue to have in my life. I know saying I think I could have something like this sounds kind of crazy. However if you don't believe I'm not crazy for thinking this, do me a favor. Youtube some of the people who have had to advocate for themselves.
By the way those symptoms are for lymphoma.
I'm not saying 100% anything besides something is wrong. The type of wrong where my head hurts and I feel like I'm dying. Not in an anxiety way, but in a way where I feel like my body is progressively getting more and more fatigued. Like I can feel the life slipping out of my body.
I'm hopeful for friday.
Stay health, stay happy, stay positive.
Thanks for reading <3
Have a good one!
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