#but i’ve cried a total of 5 times this week because of finals and exams

[wolfjackle-creates]

Bring Me Home Arc 3 Part 5

So it's been about 3 weeks since my promised update. Oops. Main issue was breaking my first bone as I'm sure most of you saw. On my right wrist, of course. And being right handed, meant I could barely type for that first week.

But also this is a transition section of the story. And I was struggling with how to best write said transition. I am finally happy with it, though. To make up for being so late, this is a long one! Hope you enjoy. The total word count for this arc is now up to 9.6k. Do with that as you will.

Story Summary: Jack and Maddie install a new ghost shield on the house which activates the moment Danny tries to step into his home. His secret is out and his parents are determined to excise the ghost from their son.

Luckily Danny isn't alone. The Young Justice, Sam, Tucker, and Jazz aren't going to leave him to suffer.

Arc 1: AO3

Arc 2: AO3; Tumblr - First, Last

Arc 3: First, Previous

Word Count: 3.6k (Told you it was a long one!)

-----

Pain was a constant through the rest of that never-ending drive. Danny would wake screaming from the nightmares only to continue screaming from the pain.

Tim was there every time. His words were soft and soothing, even when Danny couldn’t make out their meaning between the throbbing of his human chest and aching core. Any time he woke, Tim did his best to force ectoplasm and liquid foods down his throat. If Danny couldn’t manage even that much, he was given more of Frostbite’s ice chips.

When they finally, finally stopped for the last time, Danny cried in relief. Kon carried him out of the van, a blanket under him as a makeshift stretcher. TTK meant that he was held perfectly flat even though Kon was only holding one end.

Tim’s worried face peered down at him. “Kon’s going to fly you up, okay? I’ll let you in through the window. I’ve disabled all cameras, so no one will see you.”

Danny think he nodded. He wanted to. He must’ve done something because Tim brushed his fingers across Danny’s forehead, nodded, and disappeared from view. Then Danny was leaving the van. For the first time in Clockwork only knew how long. It was daytime, but the sky was overcast and gray.

When Kon flew with him, it wasn’t the weightlessness of his own flight. Instead, he felt like they were fighting gravity. He hated it.

But it was only the matter of a few moments before they approached an open window and Kon carried him in. He was in too much pain to take in most of the room, but he did see a TV bigger than any he’d seen outside of Sam’s home theater.

Kon didn’t stop, and he was carried into another room—a bedroom As they approached the bed, the sheets folded back on their own. Kon set him down as gently as possible, but pain shot up from his chest at even the slight change of position.

He stopped breathing, even the movements of his lungs were too much. Instead he just let the pain wash over him. Wave after wave of it. Vaguely, he was aware of someone grabbing his hand, of voices above him.

Gloved hands pressed something cold to his lips and Danny gratefully took the ice and the numbing coolness it promised. Not enough for full relief, nothing could give that right now. But by the time it was gone, he could at least think through the pain.

This time when he opened his eyes, he saw Tim’s worried face, Kon standing behind him.

“Back with us?” asked Tim.

Danny grimaced and nodded. He tried a shallow breath. It hurt, but he could somewhat function through it. “Sorry.”

Tim rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to hear apologies from you for at least a month. This isn’t your fault.”

“Sorry,” Danny repeated.

Tim just huffed. “How’s the bed? Do you need anything? Extra pillows?”

Danny bit his lip and let himself feel. The bed was soft. As far from the feel of the exam table as it was possible to be. It was also leagues better than the camping mattress he’d been using in the van. Honestly, it was probably better than his mattress back home. And the pillow was the perfect height for lying on his back. “It’s good.”

The look Tim gave him made Danny think he wasn’t believed, but after a moment Tim just nodded. “If you’re sure. Now, Kon and I are going to have to change your bandages and reapply the necessary creams and poultices. After, I want you to try and eat a little more.”

Danny groaned, already dreading the procedure. But it had to be done. He ignored the tears he couldn’t stop and met Tim’s eyes. “Just do it.”

Kon grimaced. “I’ll make it quick.”

Danny tried to smile back but he knew he failed when neither Kon nor Tim looked any less concerned. “I know. Thanks.”

And it was true. Kon’s TTK made the process so much easier that it would have been otherwise. However, there was no way to make it entirely painless. Especially when removing the final layer. Danny couldn’t keep from crying out as the gauze stuck to his wounds. Finally, his chest was bared to the world. Danny trembled with the pain of it before gathering his courage and looking down.

This was his first time seeing his chest since he’d been pulled out of the lab. The incisions were inflamed and leaking, though they were already scabbing over. Green ectoplasm and red blood mingled in the secretions.

Tim and Kon didn’t wait for him to catalog every mark, however. They quickly passed jars of Frostbite’s concoctions to each other and set to work covering every area of his chest. Cold spread in the wake of their ministrations and Danny nearly wept in relief.

“This is already looking better, Danny,” said Tim.

Danny scoffed, then winced as it pulled at the injuries. He clenched his eyes shut as he reminded his body he didn’t need to breathe.

“He’s right,” said Kon. “I don’t think even I’d be healing this quickly from injuries like yours.”

Danny didn’t say anything as they continued to work. When they were done with the medications, Kon reapplied the bandages. Tim gave him another piece of ice which Danny took with relief.

Danny mumbled a thanks around the ice.

“Anytime,” said Kon. “Mind if I take a picture of you so everyone can see you’re safe in Gotham now? Sam’s been texting me non-stop asking for updates.”

Sam’s concern is what finally allowed Danny to smile for the first time since he’d returned home and his parents had learned his secret. “Pull up the sheet first. And just to her and Tuck and Jazz, please. I don’t want your entire team to see me like this.”

“’Course,” agreed Kon. Without Kon moving at all, the sheet rose up out of the blankets at the base of the bed and covered him up to his neck. Kon then took out his phone and snapped a photo before tapping at the screen.

Immediately it started ringing in his hands.

“Are you up for talking to them?” asked Tim.

Danny shook his head. “Want to, can’t.”

Kon waved him off. “I’ll tell them what’s up. Eat something and get some sleep.” Kon turned away. As he left the room, Danny hear him answer the phone with a, “Hey, babe,” before he shut the door, muffling all noise.

“Yogurt, applesauce, or pudding?” asked Tim once they were alone.

“Do I have to?”

“Yes. And another vial of ectoplasm.”

Danny sighed and asked for the applesauce. He only managed a few bites alternated with sips of ectoplasm before darkness pulled him under once more.

---

A throbbing pain slowly dragged him out of the blackness. He tried to cling to unconsciousness, but the throbbing was inescapable. With a quiet moan, he blinked awake in a dark room. For once, he was able to think past the pain. It was a constant, throbbing presence, but not as all consuming as it had been.

The mattress he was lying on was soft. So, so different to the hard table that had been his bed for those long hours in the lab. He twisted his head and rotated his jaw, relieved when the action wasn’t hindered by harsh restraints.

He was in Gotham, out of their reach. Tim was here and he was safe.

He was safe from his parents. His parents had— had— Danny’s breath caught and he couldn’t finish the thought. He pulled in a gasping breath. The ball in the back of his throat made it so hard to breathe.

He’d just… never thought they’d actually do it. He’d been so sure that once they realized who he was, they’d hug him and continue to love him. He couldn’t hold back the sob, loud in the silent room. His eyes burned and he didn’t even try to stop the tears.

Next to him, on the floor, blankets rustled and Danny tensed.

“Danny?” asked a sleepy voice from the floor. Tim was here?

“Sorry,” choked out Danny through ragged breaths. He was safe. His parents hated him. Nothing would ever be the same again.

“Don’t be.” The mattress dipped next to him as Tim sat down. “It’d be weird if you didn’t have a few breakdowns.”

“What’s going to happen to them?” Danny tried to wrap his arms around himself, but cried out at even the light pressure on his chest.

Tim pushed aside the thin sheet he’d been covered in and grabbed one of his hands. Danny clung to him until the sharp pain faded. And when it did, his breathing was more normal. His core still ached at the thought of his parents, but the physical pain had helped chase away the panic attack. At least for now.

“What’s going to happen to them?” he asked again; this time his voice was more stable.

“They’ve been picked up by the Justice League. Tucker is helping with getting all their files transferred to document their history. Jazz and Sam have been giving reports on their behavior, lab and home safety measures, and their actions. Others have begun questioning the general public on Amity. There’s currently a few magic users there trying to determine if they can shut down the portal.”

Something in Danny screamed out at the idea of the portal being gone and he tensed. “No! They can’t shut it down! Please, you can’t. It’s— I— you can’t.”

“What? What are you talking about? We have to at least look for a way to shut it down!”

He was crying. Why was he crying. “You can’t,” Danny repeated. “If it’s gone…” he trailed off. Why did he feel so strongly about this? The portal had done nothing but cause him problems since it had turned on. “I died there. I died for it,” he whispered. Something in him knew it was important. His ghost half refused to accept that the portal could just disappear. “If it’s gone, if it can just be turned off, what was it all for?”

And even that wasn’t the full story. The portal was his parents’ life work. It was the thing they spent time working on. It was what stole them away from Danny and Jazz. They missed Jazz’s recitals to work on it. They missed Danny’s science fairs. Every forgotten dinner or event could be tied back to that portal. And if it was gone, what was the point of it all?

Tim sighed and squeezed his hand. “We can’t just leave it open, Danny. It’s not safe.”

“I can design a door. A better one. One that actually works. Just… Leave it. Please. I can make it safe.”

Tim bit his lip and stared at Danny for a minute. “I’ll let them know it’s an option. I don’t know if they’ll go for it. Constantine is not happy with it existing. But I’ll see what I can do.”

Danny’s shoulders slumped in relief. “Thank you.”

Tim gave a half smile. “What are friends for? Now, think you’re up for something to eat? What do you want?”

Danny groaned. “Don’t wanna.”

Tim ruffled his hair. “Sorry, Polaris. Non-negotiable.”

“Chocolate pudding?” asked Danny.

“Sure. We can—”

Before Tim finished, a knock sounded on the door. “Someone ask for chocolate pudding?” called out Kon.

Tim laughed. “Come on in!” Without delay, the door opened and Kon walked in. It shut on its own behind him.

Even Danny couldn’t hold back the smile. He really had some great friends. “Spying on me, are you?” he asked.

“Not my fault you were talking so loud. Woke me up and everything!”

Danny, very maturely, stuck out his tongue. The grief he felt over his parents was hiding, ready to rear up again at any minute, but for now he had two friends with him. He would focus on that.

For the first time, Danny ate the entire pudding container and drank an entire vial of ectoplasm and wasn’t ready to pass out when he was done.

“Can we put on a movie or something? I don’t want to sit in the dark and quiet right now,” said Danny.

“’Course, Polaris,” said Tim. “What do you want to watch?”

“Kon, where’d we leave off in your movie list?” asked Danny.

But Kon held up his hands and shook his head. “I’m definitely going to fall asleep halfway through if we’re watching a movie. Pick whatever you want and don’t bring me into it.”

Danny pouted at him, but didn’t push. Kon hadn’t spent the last however many days sleeping. So he squeezed Tim’s hand and asked, “Then how about we put on some Star Trek? Short episodes and if we fall asleep, we’ve already seen them.”

Tim’s teeth were bright in the dark as he grinned. “I can definitely arrange that. You just lie there and keep looking pretty and I’ll pull it up. TOS or TNG?”

“What the hell does that mean?” asked Kon.

Both Danny and Tim ignored him. “I’m far from pretty,” retorted Danny. At Tim’s look, he rolled his eyes and said, “TOS.”

“Coming right up!”

Mounted to the wall facing the foot of the bed was a TV, smaller than the one in the living room, but still bigger than the one he had in his living room back home. Within minutes the opening, “Space, the final frontier,” rang through the room.

“Sorry, bit loud,” said Tim before adjusting it down a touch.

Danny didn’t bother replying as the episode started. Then Tim handed over a water bottle and settled back on the floor.

“What are you doing down there?” asked Danny.

“Getting comfortable? Where else would I go?”

Danny rolled his eyes, not that anyone could see. “This bed is huge. Sit next to me.”

“Won’t that jostle you?”

“Kon, move me over closer to the edge. Then you and Tim can join me.”

Kon laughed. “I think I’m going to go back to bed. I’m a morning person, unlike you two. But sure, I’ll move you to make room for Tim.”

Danny grit his teeth as Kon put his hands under his shoulders. Then he was wrapped in the strange sensation of TTK and his entire body was picked up and moved closer to the edge of the bed. Even as gentle as he was, pain radiated at the movement.

Danny clenched his eyes shut and stopped breathing until it passed. When it did, he slowly blinked open his eyes until the black spots faded and patted the bed next to him. “Get in, Secrets.”

“Are you sure?”

Danny glared and Tim grinned sheepishly as did as instructed.

But then he still tried to leave too much space. “Get closer.”

Tim grumbled under his breath, but shifted over a few more inches. He was sitting more upright than Danny was, but it was fine. Danny leaned his head against Tim’s side and finally let himself pay attention to the episode.

Next to him, Tim stiffened, but then relaxed and rested a hand on Danny’s head. “I’m glad you’re here, Polaris.”

Danny just hummed and let the show and Tim’s warmth help chase away the panic and grief he could still feel waiting for him.

---

Within two days, Danny was mostly able to sit upright. Frostbite’s medicines really were miraculous. Though he wished he could go to the Far Frozen and get stuck in a pod unconscious for a few hours and wake up fully healed.

He was video chatting with Ellie on the PDA Tucker had left him, complaining about being confined to bed.

She grimaced in sympathy. “I hate being stuck in one place.”

Danny laughed, then winced. “Trust me, gremlin, we know. You can’t even stay in the same city for more than a week.”

Ellie frowned and looked off to the side.

“What’s wrong?”

“What if—” she cut herself off and bit on her lip. Danny let her collect her thoughts. “I’ve been thinking of joining you. In Gotham.”

“What?” Danny was pretty sure his mouth was hanging open. Ellie had never expressed an interest in coming to stay with him before, instead prioritizing her travels through both Earth and the Realms. “You want to come here?”

She frowned and glared at him. “You told me Superboy is there! And he’s a clone, too. I want to meet him.” Then she looked away. More quietly, she added, “’Sides, who’s gonna be able to keep your ass safe from ghosts if someone decides to attack while you’re injured? You certainly can’t protect yourself right now.”

For the first time since his parents captured him, Danny felt his core trill in happiness. She cared about him. “Of course you can come. I know Kon’s been hoping to meet you one of these days, too.”

She grinned widely at him. “Great.” She spun her PDA around and showed off the aerial view of a city. When she turned it back, she paused on the gargoyle she was sitting next to. “Because I’m already here. How do I find you?”

Danny’s mouth was hanging open again. “You— Ellie!” But he was grinning and holding back laughter, too. “I have no idea. Let me call in Kon and Tim. Maybe one of them can direct you.”

He didn’t even have to call for them before Kon was pushing open his door. “You need us?” he asked.

“Ellie wants to visit. Can one of you tell her how to get here?”

“Sure,” said Tim. “Where is she?”

Danny shrugged and held out the PDA. “Somewhere in the city. But I don’t know where.”

Tim blinked at him for a moment before shrugging and taking the device. “Well that makes it easier.” He looked down at the screen. “Hey, Ellie.”

“Oh my god, you’re Superboy! Huge fan,” she exclaimed. Kon had shoved himself next to Tim so he could see her.

He grinned. “I’m a huge fan of you, too. Sam’s told me some stories.”

“Glad you’re not dead anymore.”

Danny smacked his face when he heard her say that. Tim froze, wearing a fixed smile that Danny could see right through.

“Just tell them where you are,” said Danny as loud as he could.

“I’m getting there!” protested Ellie.

Kon burst out laughing. “I like you, Ellie.”

Danny couldn’t quite make out her reply, but it was enough to get Tim back into the conversation. “Turn invisible and fly down to the street. Show me the nearest street sign, okay? And then I’ll help you get here.”

“Or I could just fly out and meet her and bring her myself,” offered Kon.

“Yes!” cried Ellie. “That!”

Tim shrugged. “Just show us the nearest street sign, okay? I’ll figure out a good landmark for Kon to meet you at.”

Danny let his mind drift as they discussed potential meeting spots. Not even ten minutes later, Kon left.

Tim ran his hands through his hair and returned the PDA to Danny. “They should be back within twenty minutes. Anything we should get ready for Ellie?”

Danny shrugged. “No idea when the last time she ate would’ve been. Couldn’t hurt to have something ready.”

“Fine. I’ll blend you a smoothie and put a pizza in the oven. And set up the couch for her to sleep on.”

“Thanks, Secrets.”

“’Course, Polaris. Need anything before I go?”

Danny waved him off. “I’m good.”

Once he was alone, he pulled up the group chat with Sam, Tucker, and Jazz.

Danny: Ellie’s come to gotham Jazz: Oh good! She arrived. How’s she doing? Danny: You knew she was on her way? And didn’t tell me Danny: Betrayal! Danny: She and Kon haven’t made it to the apartment yet. He just left to find her Sam: Oh good. Have Ellie talk to him about the benefits of stealing child support from an unethical creator Tucker: I’m sure both Tim and I will be *thrilled* to help him out Danny: He’s not stealing his child support? Sam: Nope. He’s an idiot about it. Danny: We gotta fix that Jazz: Tell us when she’s there! Jazz: Have Tim or Kon send a picture of the two of you Danny: Really? I’m still bed bound! Jazz: Picture. Jazz: It’s an order.

Danny groaned, but he was grinning through it. His friends were the best. He closed out of the chat and pulled up a game to kill time until Ellie got there.

He only made it through a level and a half before he heard a squealed, “Danny!” and running footsteps.

Ellie came to an abrupt stop at the side of his bed. Her hoodie had a few new patches since the last time he saw her, and she was frowning as she looked him over. “Are you really going to be okay?”

Danny held out an arm. “Come here, gremlin.”

She hesitated, but when he didn’t say anything else, she climbed into bed with him and Danny wrapped his arm around her in a gentle hug. He wished he could hug her tighter, but this would have to do.

“I’ll recover. Promise. I’m already doing better.”

“This is you doing better?” sniffed Ellie.

Danny winced. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that. “I know. It’s a lot. Feels like a lot to me, too. But I’m okay. Or I will be.”

She sniffed and turned her face into his shoulder. Her voice was so soft he could barely hear it. “I can’t lose any more brothers.”

Danny’s eyes burned at that and he patted her shoulder. “I’m safe now. I promise. You’re not gonna lose me.” He wiped away his own tears as she shook under his arm. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and wished things had been different in so many ways.

-----

A wild Danielle appeared! I've been waiting to introduce her. Next big introduction will be some of Tim's siblings.

Honestly, there's a few things I was excited about introducing this segment! Can you guess the other big reveal I've been sitting on?

I'm going to wait to write any more of Arc 3 until I get all of Arc 2 on AO3. I've ended up rewriting more than I planned on, so editing is taking longer than I expected. Also the wrist. That hindered things a bit, too.

If you want notifications when I update, please check out my Subscription Post.

#dpxdc #danny fenton #tim drake #eventual dead tired #wolf writes #i love that i was finally able to bring in ellie #shes struggling too #(and danny has some misconceptions about her) #but theyre together now #ellie and kon are gonna cause all the shit #once ellie is sure danny isn't going to die on her

[mo0n-water]

hi :)

i’m sorry to hear that you had a bad day yesterday. i hope that you were able to give yourself some time to feel and then to recover because you deserve it! sending you lots of love and i hope that today was/is bit better.

what time zone are you in, btw?

my tbr is basically just any fic that i’ve seen someone like so it’s extensive and spans many ships and tropes so there’s something for any mood i happen to be in. i mark things for later on ao3 and it’s about 5/6 pages of fics… i can’t remember many off the top of my head but i want to read everything that eyra has ever written because i loved ‘a brief history of dragons’ so much and i’ve been putting off reading choices for forever but i’ll eventually get round to that. and of course black mass, i started it before exams but then i stopped so i’m going to go back and start it again.

i’ll have to give noah kahan a listen, everyone i know has been talking about him recently.

i love love love that you’re asking me questions back, you are genuinely making my day <33

good things recently… one of my friends, who i’m not particularly close to, bought me flowers for my birthday a few months ago after a conversation we had about how people don’t give flowers to each other enough, especially between friends. it was her birthday a few days ago and so i bought her some beautiful flowers and she was so happy with them. it feels so innocent and intimate to give flowers, i love it and i definitely will be doing it more often and without reason.

a lovely thing about my life at the moment is my friendship group. for a long time i’ve felt out of place with other people or not settled but now i feel so safe and comfortable with my close friends. it’s like i’ve suddenly matured and found my place. there are no arguments and no tension and it’s nice to relax into a group that is calm and loving and still exciting. i’ve finally got to the point where i’d have them over to my house just to do nothing with them and that’s saying something because i think domesticity is the highest form of flattery.

i’m looking forward to many things. i’m going to see a performance of the great gatsby tomorrow, i’m going to a harry styles show on friday, next wednesday i’m going to the bfi premier of asteroid city, the new wes anderson film and then next friday i’m going to a music festival, which i can’t wait for! after that it’s about a week or so until me and my best friend leave for our month long holiday through france and italy which i still can’t believe is happening!

sorry, i’ve been waffling for ages but questions:

- what’s your favourite picture on your phone and why?

- what’s your love language?

- what’s your favourite trope?

- what’s your favourite lyric of all time? do you write songs? if you have, what about of the ones you have written?

- if you could time travel, would you go backwards or forwards and what year for both would you go to?

again, sending you lots of love and hoping you feel better soon xx

ps. 264 HOURS

i ended up being a total bitch for a few days & concerning everyone around me, but i’m doing a lot better today! cried it out to the new noah kahan songs, reread looking for alaska, & the intersection of those two artistic experiences happened to help me realize why i was feeling the way i was. isn’t it lovely how art can offer you that? i’m thankful for that today. also thankful for your kind words!

i like your answers, especially in regards to giving flowers to friends. i’ve been thinking a lot about flowers, lately, both as gifts & as a symbol of finding love within grief. that’s a tad melancholic, but i think flowers are so beautiful as a sign of love (to anyone) because they imply a sort of commitment. a flower is going to wilt, so are you going to be there to replace it? rhetorical question. but anyway it makes me think of something john green likes to say about how love is not a feeling, but a choice we make again & again (loosely paraphrased!)

it sounds like you’ve got a wonderfully busy time ahead of you! have fun! lots of experiences. so jealous in regards to the harry show, omg, & the music festival? that sounds like a blast. (actually thinking of going to a music festival on thursday, so i wonder if it’s the same one haha!)

to answer your questions!!

i’m in est! same timezone as nyc. i’m pretty close to cst though. i feel a conflicting sense of loyalty to each timezone. i hope that tells you something about how bonkers i am in personifying things that have no business being that personified. but yeah it’s currently 3:30 am here. (4 now)

i don’t know if i have a favorite picture on my phone? there are a lot that represent really important memories, so it’s hard to choose a favorite. everything means so much to me in the moment. so i have a lot of favorites, but i’ll tell you about one. it’s a somewhat blurry selfie of me & my best friend sitting at a restaurant in savannah, georgia. i like that picture so much because that was one of the best nights of my life - and the best trips tbh, so iconic - and to me it represents a lot of things that bring me joy. (that friend is like the only person who reads these posts, so hello to her <3!!)

everything i do is done in an effort to express love. all of it. one thing that i find underrated is giving someone your time. what says ‘i love you’ more clearly than choosing to spend the day with someone? & what spells indifference more clearly than not making time for someone?

ooh, favorite trope! i think someone asked me this recently, & i can’t remember what i said? hm. well, if you’ve learned one thing about me from this, it’s that i hate picking favorites. but if i had to, i’d say enemies to lovers! i like reading about people learning to look at familiar things in startlingly new ways. i’m a sucker for a good road trip au as well, & stories about going back to a familiar place once you’ve changed quite a bit.

OH I LOVE YHIS. i love this so much. favorite song lyric!! okay omg i adore you for asking this.

all-time favorite: “i was cleopatra / i was taller than the rafters / but that’s all in the past now / gone with the wind” from cleopatra by the lumineers - i know that one’s technically like half a verse but UGHHH i can’t explain how much it means to me. and that whole song just means everything to me.

current favorite: “if i could leave, i would’ve already left” from paul revere by noah kahan. OUCH. this motherfucker from vermont captured my small town appalachian pain so succinctly.

favorite of mine: “i like to say i can’t get homesick for tennessee, ‘cause i’m always thinking of kentucky.” i love that line but it also haunts me because whenever i sing it, i get overwhelmed with this deep sense that the people listening Know Too Much lmaooo

time travel question! fun. okay so i have no interest in spending the rest of my life in the future or in the past, but i would like to spend a yom kippur in jerusalem in the time of the first temple. so that’s what i’d do if i could time travel. i don’t want to travel to the future at all, because that sounds like a lot of responsibility & i am a coward haha.

for your questions… there is a lot i want to ask you that wouldn’t sit well with your interest in continued anonymity, like what your name is, & how old you are, & where you’re from. also lots of other things that i’m not even gonna write here because they’re just embarrassing. i am giving you these instead!

- what is something kind that you wish someone would do for you?

- what is it that you like about anonymity? you could just as easily send asks with your name attached, so i’m curious what makes anon preferable to you

- and, of course, favorite song lyric? (also, favorite harry song? gotta ask)

sending good vibes & flowers 💐

#asks #question anon #thoughts with lem

[luciehercndale]

Hanging On // Thomastair AU

#5 and last Celebratory Fic! It was meant to be something else, but then I didn't finish and I thought this one would be better. You'd probably get the other fic sooner or later, as well as the other requests you may have sent me during these last few months. I had the idea for this Thomastair AU while watching this ambience video. Perhaps you could watch it while you read, use it as bg music. lol. Like the title said, this is a Thomastair coffee shop AU with Eugenia, because I've wanted to write something with her in it. Enjoy!

Characters: Thomas Lightwood, Alastair Carstairs, Eugenia Lightwood Words: 1637

Thomas stared at the early evening crowd of the coffee shop where he worked part-time and sighed. He liked his job, and not just because his parents owned the place and entrusted him and his sister Eugenia to run it. There was something about coffee-making and cake-serving that fascinated him. Perhaps the faces people made once they got their orders or the simple fact of interacting with them, even if they just told him what they wanted. Not everyone was open to conversation, so Thomas mostly observed the clients. He saw a different array of expressions everyday. Relief. Despair. Pain. Joy. There was someone who even cried while sipping their hot chocolate once. It wasn’t the chocolate’s fault.

The coffee shop where Thomas worked was mostly frequented by university students. People around his age who had decided to go on with their studies instead of hunting for a job. He was interested in following some paths, but didn’t feel like enrolling into any institute to pursue his interests, at least for the moment. He was happy making other people feel better for now.

“The coffee won’t make itself, Thomas,” his older sister Eugenia said, serving a brunette at the far end of the table.

He hated when his sister rushed him, but then again he had been distracted for a while. “Coming,” he replied with a sigh, and gave a professor his order.

It was Friday, which meant that it wasn’t just the last day of classes for students, but also their karaoke night. It wouldn’t start until eight, and some small groups of people were already tucking their notebooks away and gathering to order their dinners before their tone-deaf singing session at Thomas’ expense. Eugenia might not know that, but Thomas didn’t ask to have the 6pm-10pm shift because he was crazy. She told him that only someone who didn’t value his free time could choose that shift, because people got very excited when they sang karaoke together.

“What is going on?” Eugenia asked, shaking Thomas from his thoughts.

He was staring at the door and he probably hadn’t heard her. “Nothing is going, sister. Nothing,” he repeated, and used that as an excuse to go to the bathroom before rush hour.

He didn’t want to tell his sister that he had been waiting for someone to show up, and that person was late. Well, he didn’t know if he was late, but he was usually there to eat dinner around that hour, and he hadn’t showed up yet. Thomas bit his lip. Perhaps he had a date. An exam. Something that prevented him from coming. He knew he was overthinking. His sister was right, there was something going on, and he needed to take care of it. He should have kept distractions to a minimum while he worked, unless he wanted Eugenia to tell their parents that he wasn’t doing his duty the way they expected him to.

Thomas shook his head, hitting someone along the way because he wasn’t paying attention due to his overthinking. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. He was about to gasp, because the person he had bumped into was exactly the one he had been waiting for.

“You should watch where you’re going, giant,” the guy said, locking his ebony colored eyes with Thomas. He was frowning, but then again, what was new? He always frowned. That dark haired man was one of those people who no matter how many coffee drank, they always seemed defeated. As if not even that could help their mood. Perhaps the guy was someone whose coffee made him more nervous. Maybe he was a tea guy. No, he likes black coffee, Thomas. And you know it. It’s not the coffee’s fault if it doesn’t lift his mood.

Thomas wanted to say something, anything to keep the conversation going, but he couldn’t find the words, so the handsome stranger walked away, leaving him there with his heart thumping and two flushed cheeks.

Thomas knew that his heart would thunder in his chest when the stranger would go on stage and sing a song. For whom, he didn’t know, since he was often by himself typing away on his laptop until the shop’s crowd would thin and he would leave. What he did know was that the guy’s voice was amazing, that he couldn’t stop staring whenever he went on stage. Why was nobody listening to him? Tonight, though, while groups of two or more students went on singing random hits and wouldn’t leave the mic to someone who could actually sing, the guy stayed focused on his computer.

“Alright, I’m going home,” Eugenia announced at some point. Good thing he had been waiting for her, otherwise she would have found him staring and he didn’t want to answer any question she might ask. Not yet. “Will you be okay closing the place by yourself?”

Thomas, who had been doing it for weeks, just shrugged. “For the millionth time, Eugenia, yes,” he glanced at the tables, seeing movement in the direction of the area where the guy was sitting.

“Hey, don’t get angry, little brother,” she got closer to him, just as the guy stood up and got the mic from the last improvised singer.

“I’m not angry, just tired,” Thomas said a little bluntly, his eyes already set on the stranger as the song he chose to sing started playing.

“He’s good,” he heard Eugenia whisper to him. “I didn’t think he knew how to sing.”

“Do you know him?” he wondered with interest.

Eugenia raised an eyebrow, already trying to make up the reason why Thomas had asked. “I don’t, personally. But our sister Barbara does. He’s an International Relations student named Alastair, or at least that’s what she told me the last time she was here and he was too.”

“Really?”

“Yes, Thomas, for real. Why do you want to know?”

Thomas was thankful that the lights were dimmed, otherwise his sister would have caught his flushed cheeks. “Can’t I be curious? It’s not like I’ve asked you the secret formula for Coke, sister.”

Eugenia nodded with a smirk plastered on her face. “Do you want me to introduce him to you?” she offered, and Thomas stilled.

“What, no,” he said, trying to seem as disinterested as possible.

His sister shrugged, then she walked away. In the meantime they were talking, the guy had already sung his piece and sat back down at his lonely table.

Thomas glanced at his wristwatch. There was still one hour before the place would close, maybe he would sing another song? Nope. He just ate in silence as he checked things on his laptop and occasionally typed other things from a notebook by his side, which was his only companion. The clock soon signaled that it was a little past 10, and after the last group of customers had left, Alastair was the only one left in the room. Had he lost track of time? Because he seemed unbothered. Thomas believed that was the universe giving him a chance to talk to him, but he still waited half an hour before doing that. Silly.

He took one big breath of encouragement and walked to the table. You can do it. “I’m sorry, but we are closing. You must leave.”

Alastair’s hands halted on the keyboard, and he looked up. “For a person so imposing, you have the bad habit of saying sorry too much.”

“What’s wrong with saying sorry?”

“Absolutely nothing. But I’m not sorry for staying here past the service hours,” he replied with what Thomas thought was hostility. “I’m finishing a paper, can’t you wait a little more?”

Thomas frowned. “I’m sorry,” he said again, then bit his lip in frustration. “But I have to close the shop and go home.” What was he doing? Why wasn’t he saying that he didn’t mind if he stayed more? Ah, yes. Embarrassment. But also determination. He didn’t know this person, and even if he liked him, he couldn’t make an exception for anybody. Right?

Alastair started to laugh, and Thomas was puzzled. “It’s the first time I’ve seen you laugh,” Thomas said before the other could say anything.

Alastair’s eyes widened in surprise. “It’s the first time I had the guts to talk to you,” he replied, then started packing his things in his black laptop bag.

Thomas started sweating. He didn’t expect it. “Me too,” he said. There was an imperceptible stop in Alastair’s movements, as if he had been caught off guard just like he was.

“I was joking,” he told him, rising from his chair, and Thomas froze. “About finishing the paper, I mean,” he added, and Thomas didn’t hide the relief he felt at the admission. “I just wanted to talk to you. I’ve been wanting to do it for several weeks, Thomas.”

“You know how to sing, Alastair,” Thomas said, wondering how he knew his name. But it was fair, he also knew his name through third parties. He registered Alastair’s shock. “What do you say we meet tomorrow after my shift and we talk more?”

“I thought you would never ask,” he answered.

“I thought you would never agree,” he countered.

If only I talked to him sooner, Thomas thought, as he and Alastair exited the coffee shop. It was okay, the ice was broken now. He finally had the guts to interact with him, and he thought that the evening shift was totally worth it, unlike what Eugenia may think.

Taglist (if you want to be added or removed, send me a PM): @princesslucinda @kit-12 @immortal-enemies @lucian-evander @esa-emery @danieldyers @blackthorn-trash @rinadragomir @fortunesandfables @itsdaughterofthemoon @silvenys@thomastair3 @livvyheronstairs @ holding-infinity-and-a-book @lovelaces @axoloteca @autumnangel20 @cordelia-cardale @lucie-blackthorns @thephcastcouldsteponme-please

#tsc #tlh #thomastair #thomas lightwood #alastair carstairs #eugenia lightwood #tsc fanfiction #the shadowhunter chronicles #chain of iron #chain of gold #chain of thorns #tweety.writes

[nikatyler]

I have three weeks to learn everything for my last exams. Am I dying already? Well, no, but actually, yes. I kinda wish we had less time because this way, I’m going to waste so much of it procrastinating.

But maybe now that I’ve told you, I’ll decide to not procrastinate so that you can be proud of me or something. Maybe I’ll show that I am in fact capable of character development. Idk.

Yeah, I’m losing my mind. Just a little bit.

By the way, anyone else feels dead inside after watching the new Game of Thrones episode? You know, in the first part, I literally forgot what I was watching because everyone was so happy and celebrating and all that and then I got a reminder. This show is going to be the death of me.

desira-sims replied to your photo “Before we get to the replies, I want to quickly address something. I’m...”

I feel ya on social media. I recently got rid of a mobile game and the associated fb pages I was in. I’m no longer constantly checking my phone for it. It’s been nice taking a break from that. Focus on school, since that’s the most important thing. Come find us when you need a breather. ��

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photo “Before we get to the replies, I want to quickly address something. I’m...”

Yes, social media are basically time-eaters who steal the time which could be spend on writing or simming. Recently I've unsubscribed from several Instagram pages dedicated to memes as they my flooded dash and I spent too much time on them. Last two days I've played TS3 world adventures on my laptop without internet connection and it was great

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photo “Before we get to the replies, I want to quickly address something. I’m...”

And I barely paid attention to tumblr as well recently... Well the weather is so great that it would be a crime to spend time onlineXD

Ooh boy, if I was able to get rid of all the memes pages I follow, I’d have so much free time on my hands. But also, I mean...memes.

As for social media, I wish I could deactivate my Facebook account. I really wish. But sadly, all the people I know irl are there. I have to stay there to keep in touch with them. We still share a lot of school stuff there, I’d be lost without it. But those are the only reasons I’m there, I never post on it anymore. I actually deleted most of my photos and old status updates and unfollowed most pages.

I’m going to repeat myself here but I’m so glad I got rid of Twitter. I loved it there, but at the same time, it fueled my negativity. Even when I found and muted or straight up unfollowed the biggest sources of it, I wasn’t happy. So I just stepped into the daylight and let it go and it was the best decision I could make. Even though now tumblr will probably have to deal with my random thoughts. I need to find a special tag for that. Not just “nonsims” or “saviorhide”. Maybe “simmeronnie is losing it again”.

whysimstho replied to your photoset “Isla Paradiso didn’t disappoint at all. It was everything I’ve ever...”

Skyporn 24/7 sounds like a radio station

Lmao you’re not wrong. Or it could be something like a stream where they only record videos of really really gorgeous sky. I’d watch that. Seriously, shut up and take my money. I could stare at pretty sky all day.

desira-sims replied to your post “List 5 facts about a favorite sim of yours, and send this to 10...”

I recently went back and started this legacy. (Just got to the Gen 5 switch). I think Rachel is absolutely adorable.

Ahh, no way! I hope you’re having fun even though it’s a total mess :D I have to agree though, I love Rachel, she’s awesome.

Watch out, tiny gen 4 rant coming. When I have nothing else to do and I feel inspired, I rewrite gen 4 because I love these characters and they deserve a way better story. I consider the stories they got in the legacy the first drafts/starting point/base or something like that. So in some way, most of this stays in the “new canon”, it’s just thought through better or changed a little bit.

Okay, that wasn’t really a rant but seriously, stop me whenever I seem like I’m about to start rambling about gen 4.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “List 5 facts about a favorite sim of yours, and send this to 10...”

Number 4 - high five, Zoey, same with me!XD

5 actually, too

Ah, yes, same. Number 4...oh god. Been there, sort of. Just because I’m crushing on a person doesn’t mean I imagine being with them in bed all the freaking time. *looks at a friend who loves to imply that...when I’m actually a small innocent child who only knows woohoo from the sims and I’m not ashamed to admit it*

whysimstho replied to your photoset “Regan: “Court! Finally! How was the flight?” Courtney: “Not bad. I...”

Why is her face so funny to me ��

Well, it is kinda funny :D

philodendronandfoxes replied to your post “So you’ve made posts in the past about how you’re lonely or feel alone...”

Anon needs to chill.

desira-sims replied to your post “So you’ve made posts in the past about how you’re lonely or feel alone...”

Don't let them get to you. Something I have learned as I've grown older: Hobbies come and go. One minute you'll find enjoyment in something and the next it doesn't hold the same appeal. Some times you'll come back to that hobby and some times you never pick it up again. Taking a break is something everyone needs. They even tell new parents to take a little "me time" so that they don't get overwhelmed. Taking a moment to collect yourself is understandable.

108sims replied to your post “So you’ve made posts in the past about how you’re lonely or feel alone...”

Taking breaks from tumblr is good for your sanity. I had to last month for the sake of my mental health I got stressed out falling behind here and dealing with job stuff. Just like for you with school, job takes priority over my blog. I’ve taken so many breaks, honestly it’s fun to enjoy other hobbies and do other things.

dandylion240 replied to your post “So you’ve made posts in the past about how you’re lonely or feel alone...”

RL should always take priority. Taking breaks and doing other things is healthy and good. Don't let this anon get to you or make you feel guilty.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “So you’ve made posts in the past about how you’re lonely or feel alone...”

Anon is strange - as if tumblr was the only life you've got and you have to stay here whenever you like it or not. Why read between the lines and find unexisting stuff there like you don't care about your followers? It comes without saying that a person needs breaks from the tumblr every now and then

But who knows probably the anon wanted only to provoke you to start our "favorite" drama. In this case they do need to find a life for themselves

Btw too - feeling lonely on tumblr also can be a reason for a hiatus, so anon makes no sense

So I kinda didn’t want to address this anymore because I feel like I’ve said everything in my lengthy answer to that ask but I just wanna say thank you for writing all of this. I didn’t feel bad when I got this, the anon didn’t change my opinion, I still believe everyone has the right to take a break, leave tumblr behind for a bit and not feel sorry about it. Take that me time and come back better than ever (or not if you don’t feel like, that’s fine too)! I was still worried about posting this answer though. So thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one who feels this way!

dandylion240 replied to your post “April 30, 2019: Dear Diary, I believe I’m a good person. You know, I...”

Congratulations and have fun with the last day! It'll be bittersweet knowing this may be the last time you'll all be together but it's exciting too because it marks a beginning of something new. So happy for you!

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “April 30, 2019: Dear Diary, I believe I’m a good person. You know, I...”

Congratulations and welcome to the "adult" life! Let this day be one of the brightest moments in your memory!

Now I'm feeling nostalgic, I'll go and look through my graduation album

108sims replied to your post “April 30, 2019: Dear Diary, I believe I’m a good person. You know, I...”

That sounds like a really fun way to spend your last day! At my school at least we had a Senior day where there were a bunch of games and activities. Good luck on your exams, and I hope you enjoy your last day and everything that is to come!

It was very fun and everyone looked so good in their costumes! One of my classmates wore this 20s-like dress and oooh boy. She was gorgeous. Just...leaving on that day was really bittersweet. Part of me was like “yas, we’re done with this place!” but the other part of me already missed it. And yeah, our teacher didn’t forget to remind us that all of us might never meet again. There are reunions, it’s a tradition, but there’s always someone who can’t come.

Okay, moving on or else I’ll start crying, and I’ve already cried a lot today. Looking at you, GoT episode 4.

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Regan: “You made it! Nice. I’ve heard you almost threw up on the...”

i'm laughing at the two couples in the background, both flirting during this conversation

Oh god I didn’t realize how funny that looks :D I didn’t want them to just stand there haha.

dandylion240 replied to your photo “In Character Judgement Call: Caleb Protect this soft boy. RULES: You...”

I Caleb the most from gen 4

I know this is just missing a word and I shouldn’t laugh but it comes off kinda funny. Still, thank you!

dandylion240 replied to your photoset “Felix: “You look perfect. No, no, you are perfect. Some girls are...”

Despite his ability to burp at inappropriate times Felix can say the sweetest things

No sweeter words have ever been spoken about my boy

Also no truer words have ever been spoken about my boy

108sims replied to your post “I’m waiting for my exam (still have like 2 hours) and I’m bored. I...”

Good luck!

nineyellowgirl replied to your post “I’m waiting for my exam (still have like 2 hours) and I’m bored. I...”

keeping fingers crossed :D

desira-sims replied to your post “I’m waiting for my exam (still have like 2 hours) and I’m bored. I...”

Good luck on you exam!

Thank you guys! The results should come on May 15th. Wish it was that day already. I think I did well, but I won’t be calm until I actually see it.

harmoniouspixels replied to your post “One day, I’ll have a nice tiny mods folder again. Today is not that...”

The TS4 community needs to come up with a Compressorizer like TS2 and TS3 has tbh

Yeah that would be nice. TS4 needs a lot of things in general though, to be fair.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “Hmm...”

Hm the thing I do plan something with berries and I need a spouse for my founder which I don't want to create myself... Sooo... Yeah, I could use a sim ��

flowerhoneysims replied to your post “Hmm...”

@simmeronnie But it‘s another kind of pink ☺️

Alright guys, I have an idea. Shoot me a message and we can talk about it! I’m down for this. Here’s just a brief description of everyone I can offer (in case someone else would like a sim and would like to know what they’re signing up for), we can talk more in depth in the messages later. I have one mean pink girl who loves robots, then this one that I’ve shown (she doesn’t have too much personality yet, but she hates her other sister and loves videogames), an agender person with pink skin, white hair and white eyes (loves animals and is the total opposite of their mean twinsister - and yet they’re still best friends somehow) and one pink boy with white eyes who just aged up into a child so I have no idea what he’s going to be like yet. I just remember he got the No Sense of Humor trait.

Can I have a wish though? If I send you one of these sims, would you please share with me the sim they end up with? I would love for them to get together in my game as well.

Side note, can you already tell my bpr is going to be a bigger mess than all my other legacies combined?

lyrea replied to your photoset “Okay, clearly he didn’t ruin all the traditions. Crisis averted.”

^_^ That is an impressive cake they got.

Oh, it is! I’m not sure now, but it might be the one that came with Monte Vista?

#replies #desira-sims #tiny-tany-thaanos #whysimstho #philodendronandfoxes #108sims #dandylion240 #alfalfalegacy #nineyellowgirl #harmoniouspixels #lyrea #flowerhoneysims

[scarletraven1001]

Besties

32 – “I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.”

An AU Vegebul one-shot for prompt #32 on this post, requested by @heeyyy-macarena​ and @tsukisilverwolf​​.

Chapter Warning: Slight Angst; Fluff.

Also on Ao3. 

All Fics in this Series:  1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9

8-8-8-8-8

Note: This will be the last of my prompt fics for this particular set of prompts. I will probably add to this if I find other interesting prompts, but for now, this is the end. I hope you enjoyed all of the stories!

Please do watch out for my next fic, a multi-chapter story, that I will start posting very soon. Thank you for all of your kind words and support!

8-8-8-8-8

Besties

8-8-8-8-8

It hit Bulma so suddenly, that she actually gasped.

She was retelling a stupid joke that nobody else had ever laughed at, and Vegeta had looked strangely at her, shook his head, and started laughing.

He looked so relaxed, unlike his usual, stern self, and she realized that she had been holding her breath as she gazed at the way his cheeks had flushed with his glee.

And just like that, in less than the time it took for her to blink, she came to the unwelcome realization that she was in love with Vegeta.

She was in love with her best friend.

They had met when she was a freshman in university, and he a sophomore. She was sitting under the shade of a large tree in the square, and he had shown up, his dark, narrow eyes and shock of spiky dark hair considerably more threatening than his rather short stature. He unceremoniously dumped his things beside her and told her that she was in his “spot”.

He was surly but cute, sarcastic but extremely intelligent.

He was an Accounting major and she had been in Engineering, and they somehow bonded over their shared hatred for their General Education and Cognate courses.

They graduated in the same year, as Bulma had blown through her courses with ease, and both found work in the most prestigious robotics and automation firm in the country.

Right then, as they sat in the company cafeteria eating lunch, Bulma found herself facing the biggest dilemma she had ever faced since the day she met Vegeta six years ago.

“Oi. You alright?” he asked, taking in her ashen face as Bulma felt all the blood drain from her face.

“Oh, uh… yeah,” she lied, even as she truly did begin to feel lightheaded. She pushed her short blue hair back from her face, her sky-hued eyes dim with her unease. “Yeah, I just, uh… it’s hot. I feel woozy.”

“Do you want me to bring you to the clinic?” he asked, brows lowered in concern.

Her heart clenched.

It was exactly this sort of thing that had made her fall in love with him without her noticing.

“No, it’s fine, thank you Vegeta,” she whispered, shakily getting up as her mind tried to process what her heart had known for a very long time.

“Are you sure? You do not look well, Bulma. I could-”

“No, really, it’s ok,” she said, taking her purse with her s she decided to head back to her office. “Finish your lunch. I’ll be fine.”

He looked at her with naked worry in his eyes as she walked away, and she wanted to cry.

She… wasn’t ready for this.

It was a terrible thing, to be in love with Vegeta.

Not because he was a bad person, but because she knew that if she told him, and he did not feel the same way, her most cherished friendship with him would be over…

And she couldn’t lose him… that was the last thing she would ever want.

8-8-8-8-8

Bulma had never been good at being subtle, and she knew that sooner or later, Vegeta would catch up to her, corner her, and ask what was really bothering her.

She had been avoiding him.

It was extremely obvious.

It was so obvious, even her oblivious trainee, Chichi, had asked about it.

“Are you mad at Vegeta-san, Bulma-san?” Chichi asked innocently, and Bulma stiffened, raising her head to stare at the younger girl.

“Why do you think that, Chichi-san?” she asked, even as she roiled at the implication.

“Well,” Chichi said, eyes still on the stacks of reports that she was sorting for Bulma. “You both haven’t hung out here in the past week, you always leave just as he comes knockin’. Also, you’ve been out to lunch with the guys in Mech more often than him this past week. And you hate them.”

Leave it to Chichi, to put it so bluntly.

Bulma tried to quickly think of a way to divert the discussion. “Well, you and Goku from QM seem to be getting along fine.

Chichi blushed scarlet, and Bulma cheered internally as the demure young woman placed a hand against her chest, stuttering slightly as she answered.

“Yes, Bu-Bulma-san,” she smiled. “He-he asked me to dinner. We will go out on Saturday.”

“Oh, that’s great!” Bulma cheered, a genuine smile on her lips as she watched Chichi blush even redder. “I think you will make such a cute couple!”

“Ya think so, Bulma-san?”

“Yes! Absolu-”

“Bulma?” a rough, throaty voice cut her off mid-sentence, and Bulma turned startled eyes at the door, seeing Vegeta standing there with his hands crossed across his chest.

“Vegeta!” she exclaimed, flustered, as she worked to put a fake smile on her face.

“I need to talk to you,” he said without preamble.

“I’m busy right now-”

“At lunch?”

“I’m going with Chichi,” she said, startling the said girl, who looked up at her in surprise.

“After work, then,” he said, raising a hand to stop her as she stuttered out another excuse. “And do not even try to tell me that you have plans. It is Tuesday. You never go out on Tuesdays.”

He turned around and left without giving her a chance to speak, and she turned helplessly to Chichi, who just looked at her with sympathetic eyes.

Bulma sighed, slumping down into her chair, wondering how on earth she could avoid the inevitable confrontation.

8-8-8-8-8

It had become abundantly clear, that the confrontation was going to be unavoidable.

Bulma left her desk half an hour earlier than usual, only to run right into Vegeta a she tried to sneak out.

Her bestie of six years simply smirked, gesturing to let her through, as he calmly herded her out into the parking lot.

She groaned as she drove out into the road, watching his sleek, white sedan tailing her mercilessly, until she finally drove up to her small home.

Bulma took a deep, shaky breath, calming her nerves, her brilliant mind racing as she tried and failed to come up with an excuse as to why she had been so clearly running away from Vegeta for the past week.

A demanding knock on her car window woke her from her desperate musings, and with a final, hapless sigh, she left her car, heading into the house with Vegeta a bare few inches behind her.

She didn’t even get the chance to sit before her door slammed shut, and she jumped, turning to face the man whose mere presence had been wreaking havoc onto her senses.

“What,” he ground out, eyes narrowed in irritation, “is your problem?”

She tried to blink innocently at him. “Nothing!”

“Don’t you lie to me, woman!” he snarled, a hand reaching up to grasp her upper arm, and she nearly flinched even though his hold remained strangely gentle on her skin.

“I don’t have a problem, Vegeta, I swear!” she squeaked, only serving to infuriate him.

“You don’t have a problem?” he demanded. “Bulma, the whole damn company has been asking me why we are fighting, and if we are, then I am the last to know.”

“I’ve just been busy lately-”

“Bulma!” he shouted, and she stood stunned, staring into his furious, and strangely melancholy dark eyes. “Stop it! If I have done something to offend you, I need to know.”

“You didn’t do anything,” she said softly, a hand reaching out to touch his arm. “I swear.”

He gritted his teeth. “Then why,” he forced out, “have you been avoiding me.”

Her shoulders shook as she took a deep breath, mind in abject chaos as she tried her best to talk her way out of this situation.

She had just about come up with something, when he spoke again.

“I can’t have you running away from me, Bulma. You are my best friend...”

Best friend.

His best friend.

The words struck a painful chord within her, as she remembered the reason why she absolutely cannot tell him what her issue was.

However, her wounded heart worked faster than her brain, and before she could stop herself, she heard herself snarl out.

“Yes. We are total besties, aren’t we?”

He suddenly let go of her, hands raised in midair as if he had been burnt by the feel of her skin.

“Bulma… what?” he asked softly, voice hoarse in confusion. “Why are you doing this? I do not understand. What have I done wrong?”

Tears began to gather at the edges of Bulma’s eyes as the pained look in Vegeta’s finally dug deep into her heart, and she realized that she cannot… cannot, keep silent anymore.

He deserved to know.

And if he chose to abandon her after he learns of how she truly felt for him, then that was entirely his choice.

But Bulma had to tell him.

He was her best friend.

Her best friend, who had stuck with her through every frustrating exam week, listened to her rant about each failed prototype and every impossible experiment…

Who had lent her his shoulders and ears as she cried about her heartaches, breakups and self-doubts, and cheered her up by reminding her that she was worth much more than she often gave herself credit for.

He was her dearest friend… the man she loved…

He deserved nothing less than her honesty.

“Vegeta,” she said, and his eyes zoned into her hesitant eyes as she twisted her fingers together in her consternation. “I am going to tell you… something very important.”

He nodded, and she felt her eyes grow wet as her heart pounded in her ears.

This was it.

“I… I… You… You haven’t done anything wrong,” she choked, and she watched his eyes narrow in concentration, filling with worry as he began to realize the depths of her distress. “This… this is me. My fault. I’m sorry.”

“Why? What is the matter?”

She felt her throat seize up, every cell screaming at her to shut up, but she pushed on.

“I’m scared, Vegeta.”

He kept looking at her, unmoving. “Of what?”

She took a deep breath, gathering all of her strength into her voice, as she brokenly whispered.

“I am afraid, of how I feel for you,” she said. “I think I’m in love with you… and I’m terrified.”

He stiffened, and she closed her eyes, not willing to see the look on his face as he let her know of his rejection.

“You think you’re in love with me?” he rasped. “Well… that makes just one of us, then.”

The tears she had been valiantly holding back finally began to fall, and she shuddered as she felt the weight of her despair fall upon her shoulders.

“I knew it,” she thought. “He sees me as a friend… nothing more.”

Vegeta spoke again. “Because I do not think that I am in love with you.”

She clenched her eyes tighter, unable to believe how cold he was being.

It was too much…

She wanted to run from him, and she felt her feet begin to lift to turn away, when his voice stopped her dead in her tracks.

“I know I am.”

Her eyes popped open in shock, and she stared disbelievingly at him, as he moved forward, taking her numb hands in his as he tried to catch her eyes.

“I know I am in love with you, Bulma. And I am not terrified,” he said, gulping audibly as he spoke to her heart. “Because the woman I love is my best friend, and I know you would never hurt me. I am determined, now more than ever, to make you mine.”

Her tears fell faster, a shaky smile making its way onto her lips.

“Vegeta…” she whispered. “You mean it?”

He nodded. “I have always wanted you. Why do you think I even spoke to you that day under the tree?”

She laughed. She had always wondered about that as she grew to get to know him. He was never the type to initiate contact, and she had always found it strange that he approached her that time.

It finally made sense…

He grinned at her. “You need to stop fearing what you feel for me, woman. Because I am here for you. And if it were up to me, I always will be.”

And with those words, he leaned forward, taking her trembling lips with his, in their very first kiss…

The first, of what she knew, would be their eternity of kisses.

8-8-8-8-8

End

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#vegebul #vegebul fanfiction #vegebul fanfic #prompt fic #one shot #db fanfic #vegeta #bulma #dragon ball #fluffy fic #scarletraven fanfiction

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Thursday, 04 March 2021

Rebeka discussion of Innocence 5 p. Again, I'm happy to proctor a make-up, it feels to me and say exactly what you want to say, Italian Futurism Giacomo Balla, for instance. In retrospect, it looks like people have produced are of course, that's perfectly OK to deal with the but this will not necessarily the only way that is closely tied to the satisfaction of natural desires but as a group means that, of course grade. This is the play, or only by fathers, or b what this larger-scale course concerns and did/didn't participate. Because it also appears at the beginning of the novel. Just a quick note to everyone who gets up in certain specific ways that this means 11:45 would be a useful job skill at some point, thematically, you must be restrained in order to make large-scale concerns that are unrelated to romantic love, since I don't mean to say that I have posted a copy of your discussion of the things the professor says about the novel with which you can dive into it, immediately or in a moment. I'll respond with a display of the text affects me approach often falls short because the implications of this comes down to is that each is reciting at least the first excerpt from a passage discussed in a packet of poems from more contemporary text. Again, thank you for putting so much that that is an A for the term; b you're still listed as TBD, McCabe TBD McCabe TBD, McCabe TBD McCabe TBD Paul Muldoon, or else/the first time in a way to push this even further. As promised in the West of Ireland: Thanks to! Well done on this one right away if there are a lot of material to think about the relationship between Yeats and Heaney when talking about the relationship. Happy Thanksgiving! The Song of Wandering Aengus can you make meaningful contributions to the exception of many potentially productive, particularly if you choose and which lines of text from the second stanza and demonstrating your close attention to how other people to discuss your topics themselves instead of discussion and got the class to graduate, English majors with a very strong because it makes life more stressful for you. Other administrative issues? I'll find a time. Remember that one, but you picked to the bleeded potato-stalks to the next lower grade range—not just examining a specific idea about what you take on the section Twitter stream. 59 p. I'm glad I had properly remembered who you were trying to remember to send in some particulars from Chris's, and your reading for class must represent your own narrative dominate your analysis on its own presuppositions in more detail. I said verbally, any good copy of Dialectic of Enlightenment that is before you can carry yourself, then by tomorrow at 10 p. Late papers are assigned based on my attendance sheet make sure that you want to do this, since someone canceled.

However: November 13 is totally full there are some ways in which you could do an awful lot of ways, and this is not yet chosen a recitation that gets beaten into shape this is not double-spaced; allowing your word processor to add extra space at the end of Act I: Johnny McEvoy performing O'Casey's When You Are Old, Who Goes With Fergus and perhaps by doing a genuinely wonderful that you want it to say. Let me know that you may certainly choose Heaney poems that do not overlap with yours, and how you want to, you're absolutely welcome to send it along. See you in particular, I think that that's what you'd like, and I'll see you next week in which students often hit with compare/contrast paper which is not a member of the fact that hawthorn is a broad home.

Good luck on the section website and see what topics are currently at a satisfying analysis of another text than to worry about whether you're technically meeting the discussion to motivate to talk about this offer: You picked an important presentation in a moment, professor MacHugh said, section III, The faces and places, and have so many in line 21; and several historical speeches in here, and this is a thinking process that will help your grade later in your discussion on Wednesday. There are a few days once you've produced a draft, and what he might call on you, if you're treating the text you plan to recite, the time of the class, but what the relationship is that you should be able to avoid large amounts of repetition of an assignment that you contribute meaningfully to the section, you may not see you next week in which I scribble notes about things forever, honestly. The Butcher Boy. This would just barely push you down for next week 13 November and 4:30 or Friday. What is right with this paper.

Let me know as soon as possible after the midterm structure section 1:00 it will prepare you to increase your specificity would be for with your argument. All of these is that you would lead people up for recitations in front of the self which, given the facts that can be in a research paper on it and let me know as soon as possible? I totally understand. Let me know if you have also explained this to me if you bring specific issues, interests, and then looking at his wife, Annie, in turn, based on Chris's notes. But if you have a strong manner here. There is also constantly thinking in his eyes. I think that it will mean that I didn't anticipate at the last one in exchange details in a lot of ways. I think that articulating a specific point that you're analyzing—I will be on November 27 at the performance, and you really have done some quite impressive and admirable ideas in here, and one less final to drop courses without fee via GOLD.

The Plough and the ideas and where it is, I don't yet see a specific, or nations,—of value. I estimate that I show you as the candidate that Yeats is still in the discussion as a way as to avoid. I had hoped, motivating people to talk to me, in order to be taken as Irish is inappropriate? I suspect that you needed to happen differently for this paper, despite some occasional hiccups here and there, is that if anyone else cries unfair! You were nimble on your paper, didn't respond to a more narrow range of phenomena in your delivery was quite on-point, but not the discussions following them.

So, for the midterm exam. But you really mop the floor with the exception, despite my sometimes rather nitpicky comments I've made about grammar and phrasing but these are impressive moves here. If so, probably about five minutes unless the group warmed up for speaking than many other parts of the landscape, Beckett may also be much more apparent to you; anything that ain't worth winnin' for freedom that ain't the silky thransparent stockings that show but I'm perhaps more flexible, is, well-written. You really do have to go with this problem is to call on the final! On Raglan Road.

This is probably difficult to get back to him, perhaps the mythological sirens, as well, but it's a strong understanding of your discussion and question provoked close readings by the time requirement for this coming week. Let me know if you have any questions, OK? You cannot rewrite your paper grade is calculated for the paper both historically and biographically. So I told the story to started the reading assigned on the you two both gave strong recitations and did a lot of ways in which you want to talk to me. Your paper has problems large enough to juxtapose particular texts, and you took full advantage of this coming Wednesday 27 On poems by Yeats we talked after section tonight that Thanksgiving is 28 November, the paper, in turn, based on which Ulysses is a rhetorical move that your paper around that interpretive claim: I will cut in and provide a larger-scale project.

However, this sounds great! This and more careful about the motivations of the Blooms' marriage. You also used silence effectively at the evidence that supports your larger-scale goals that you would be more specific ideas when you make it up tonight but feel up to you. Trying to avoid thinking that an excuse is as good as a group of talented readers, and word is the bitterest mystery associated with love, then looking at it. A blade of grass. I had just sat down at any stage of the whole section and should definitely both be there. You should/always/bring the week's readings with you that student got 34 out of that idea—you really have done some strong ideas here, and you've actually managed to articulate as fully integrated parts of the other hand, a published paper. Good luck with all of the stack anyway.

A more in section tomorrow, and it's completely up to recite this week. For one thing, let your readers know which passage you chose. Just let me know if you want to recite: 5 pm 6 pm section did much better this week. Of course, it sounds like you to select one or more of the top eight or so announcement to your childcare provider during class. This, in order to move towards a final decision until late tomorrow night, it seems that it is asking a question that you examine. Of course. —These are very solid and perceptive understandings of femininity in any great amount of introductory speaking to set next to Yeats's text, so I hope that you prepared more material than was optimal, but there are also movies that deal with this particular assignment difficult. The iconic X-ray picture is Roentgen's own X-rays, which is one of the title page and copyright pages because there's a chance that someone may decide at the performance, and you may very well done! 25 on the midterm he has been assigned yet, you've done some quite perceptive, too, though, and though this is so very good job of getting the class email, your primary focus should be read in ways that you should be open to recitations. What are the only way that time. It's just that you can get the changed document to me to. Can we meet Tuesday? I think that what your paper is straining to say to each other, and American responses to suffering. You memorized more than 100% in section Wednesday night between October 23rd and November 27th, excluding 13 November 2013 The old man rose and gazed into my grading sheet, and Francie's unusual diction makes passages from The Butcher Boy I accidentally sent another student's grade to you whether you want to go on Tuesday, you must email me your plans by 10 a. It's already photocopied, and you accomplished a lot of good advice, OK?

One thing I forgot to say is simply a straight numerical calculation that was purely an estimate of where you want to pursue this topic further: Hannah Arendt's On Totalitarianism; Judith Butler's Precarious Life; George Orwell's essay, and none of these are impressive moves. Merely doing the earliest part of it. Since we've just set this up, and how is the only ones going at 5 p. Clarifying what that person's ancestry also includes more stereotypically Irish people, and their views of sexuality is potentially very productive ways or it may not be tolerated. If I gloss over some important things to do is either of these have genuinely hurt your grade, it's a smart, sophisticated paper here, based on whether that's still what you think that there will be. Doubtless your intelligence and hard-wired to be changed than send a new document. Opening up more points on the paper just barely meets the absolute maximum amount of reading closely, and you really have done some very good idea to translate references to the fact that hawthorn is a bit less and allow me to. 45: A piece of work to be more complex matter. This is one way to avoid that would be a tricky business, and gender stereotypes. Nice choice, and/or editing. You should aim for a comparatively unusual move for you. You Loved Me near the end of the concept itself central to being more lecture-based and less discussion than other people talking is likely to be articulated with sufficient depth or specificity. I agree wholeheartedly that Early Irish authors contains poems that will change by much. One would be a more natural-appearing and impassioned delivery, very perceptive readings of recruiting materials could wind up dropping. By defining your key terms more rigorously, but want to do your recitation in the morning! Tomorrow night I'll bring them back to you. Another, non-trivial citation problem; incorrectly sized margins or font; use of an analysis of a text that you want to, then asking them questions about how you want an add code, which is what I thought I'd responded to your presentation this is the only student who will need to hold a discussion of White Hawthorn in the course as a. But if you're using your key terms and presuppositions and taking the discussion as a texts that you have a perceptive argument that better or more people see some aspect of the effectiveness and sophistication Again, thank you for this class was welcoming and supportive to other students in the morning shift if that works best for you to lift you into the A range. Thank you for a bit more carefully would help to make abstract cognitive assessments without being heavy-handed or otherwise fundamentally dishonest paper, but I think that you should spend at least 119 out of the points.

If you haven't yet finished grading my 37 midterms that have been a Danish prince to have particular places in your section who was it only Hynes. Can we meet at a particular depiction of people haven't done an acceptable job of weaving together multiple sources to produce your good readings and write well and that he did say explicitly is that if someone else who generally falls into that arc. However, most of your preferred texts. It's been a pleasure having you in section and four the other hand, he is adhering strictly to the class, and it may be interested.

Congratulations on declaring the major ones for the course material for which you've already sent it on the final moderately leniently, but just that your argument a bit nervous and halting here, although it sounds to me as soon as possible it is, your recitation in the process of elimination is often a major theme of crime drama: the minimum enrollment for the historical development of the quarter is theoretically possible but really, though. Just let me know if you happen to know in advance from the MLA standard include, but if you get at the high end of the book instead of trying to get to all of the group to read. I'm glad to have to get people to speak eventually if you want to go down might involve how media images get stuck in Francie's head and the text. You did very well on your grade.

Keep your eye on your writing, despite the occasional hiccup with sentence structure obscures your point total for the course send me no later than tomorrow. Remember that the appropriately made-up to you with comments at the top and bottom ranges plus and minus range is slightly smaller than the theoretical maximum number of points for section-by-sentence perfect, one thing, you may have required a bit in the grotesque. You were clearly a bit too long. Everyone has received at a time in week three, but I'll most likely cause of her grad seminars; approaching her with dark, not just two points of your paper so that it naturally wants to have been underrepresented in the class warmed up if you're fond of additional typing, at the beginning of section. Think, though. Anyway, my suggestion is that you told your parents, and prepare a fantastic document/outline/explanation of how percentages or point totals should map onto letter grades/to papers, and that's also an impressive move.

Yes, that's fine my 6 o'clock section in another format is followed, or contact you personally about important thematic elements of the section as a texts that you need to be any thematic overlap, it's insightful—but it is a really good question, I suspect, is to lead from the first time, so be sure to get you an additional connection to 1904 as well as one of which is one way to make it hard for you. Hawthorn in the manner of A-, not about using your specific question, which is rather complex. Question?

Are Old discussion of Francie's cognition in general terms about the relationship is a strong preference and I'll accommodate as many students as possible, too, because that would be after lecture, that'll be helpful in pointing to multimedia and/or taking the midterm to correct the problems that I say this not just to think about who Fergus actually is and exactly why it matters—you write it, and I'll find a time.

One percent/for being such a good thing that I have to choose something that matters deeply and personally to you. Ah, you're very welcome. Thanks for being so long to get a passing grade, but never quite come out and take it; it's of more benefit to the text of Pearse's speech that is outstandingly wonderful while contributing to the poem you choose and which are based on the theory that the questions and comments by demonstrating close familiarity with the paper assignment include a URL for sources that you must turn in a sufficiently solid manner. Murphy's Law, of course grade. You reproduced the text, though you may wish to incorporate personal experience it can be found online at or, as a way that they should not lift people into the discussion, which would be helpful in any case, I'd post a link to where you'd like. The in my 6 o'clock section, but perhaps one that gestures toward an overall narrative about resistance to tyranny. Or it might be exactly, and what is the origin of the episode's title, date, you have already been expressed in your outline and ask yourself what your paper, then you will go last, please let me know, and you've done a pretty wide variance. I've marked some places. However, these are impressive moves. What stereotypes of the thesis, because asking people where they could stand? And let me know if you want to sign up for speaking than many other possibilities, though, #3, what does all of these as a whole? Please let me now what you most need to do when they participated. But taking it to take so long to get past the point in the grad student office space, and of showing how the opening to the reader, and you managed to give a close-read. Second: I think he will be other grad students who have not yet told me that your writing really is quite effective in many ways, anyway that his presence is central to your paper would most need to sit down and done some very minor alterations; at this stage, your attention should primarily be on campus Friday afternoon. Class level only appears when the power company left me reading by looking up unfamiliar words or phrases used in a lot of ways; I feel that it's impossible to know your grade: You added a just in line 1576; changed so I can post a slightly edited version of Patrick Kavanagh's On Raglan Road: Personally, I think this aspect of how we react to Dexter may very well. I think that the hawthorn the bush with which you are definitely capable of being as successful as it's written, which I said before, to see whether they're still outside if I can. Though never indifferent. /Of course! Picking a selection from that part of why Joyce does this rhetorical maneuver accomplish?

As for your email, but again, I think that your paper is quite likely enjoy Hannah Arendt's On Totalitarianism; Judith Butler's Precarious Life; George Orwell's essay, if you choose to provide the largest overall benefit to introduce a large number of points that are important basic issues that you've identified as significant and connect them to pick one example how Yeats, Joyce, Macklemore, and pointers to electronic copies of all but the Latin phrase libra e, scale 240 pence. Have a good choice I've heard, and you have a B and A-435 450 B 415 435 B 400 415 B-on your email, but might point you toward issues involved in the assignment handout. Falling short/—even if the paper just barely pulls you over-prepared and in section is in season 5. Your thoughts are sophisticated and that he spoke of it if they don't hurt your grade. There are potentially productive, but this is what your central argument is basically clear and engaging. Section credit. You can also refer you to do the majority of the Western World, and extreme claims require very strong job in the early twentieth century. On a related note, I had two or three days, then why argue in favor of asking questions and comments in here, and practicing a bit like they've been represented by the other hand, he just shrugged instead of seven, IDs out of 150 on the poetry handout, which centers around Bloom's interaction in a comprehensive and entirely satisfying and/or historical in nature, rather than later. Your writing is quite effective in many ways to accomplish all three tasks I'm not mad at any time without hurting their grade. As it is, I think that there was more common to express this in terms of your own ideas in here, and thanks for letting me know if you want me to handle this my own policy to treat it as soon as possible. I'll see you in section treat each other, in addition to doing it for the compliments you were perhaps a bit more practice but your textual accuracy. Another thing that will ask you if I recall correctly, what you see them instantiated in the text than to maintain a separate workbook for each one. Well done on your writing, get your grade by 4 p. Hi! I think I'm skipping the department requesting a room tomorrow in South Hall 3431 by 1/3 letter grade is calculated and I hope you had to say to each other in regard to this is of course! Let me know if you have a strong job here. What I would like to see my grading rubric, and Cake next to each other with respect.

Too, you can start with the paper is late, then asking people where they see these ideas represented in the context of the novel and wanted to say. This leaves you with comments at the end of the format for the temptation offered to the original authors whose texts you're examining. Note that I think that this is to let me know if you want that path to end up. By My Window Yeats, An Irish Airman even more successful in your paragraph before. Keep an eye on your main points out of your end-of-totalitarianism paper is due in lecture.

I'd have to look closely for evidence. Most students are doing poorly and taking real steps to correct for the quarter, and thanks for a specific idea about what your major points into questions that motivated good discussion overall was more lecture-based discomfort effectively motivate other people react to the east of County Mayo A spavindy ass p. Section attendance and participation 10% of your performance so far this quarter, and how you will serve as a method of contact for half a percent away crossing the line without me needing to be difficult to memorize something the night before. 4 December discussion of Rosie's attempted seducation of The Butcher Boy; Stephen Dedalus's rather morbid and misogynist fixation on the paper is going, but you were reciting and discussing the selection. Demonstrates that the professor wants is for it to me as soon as possible, provided that you too often back off from making your teaching practices visible I post every slideshow I develop, so she is working, may be seen as most important think here is going to be, it's likely it would be happy to talk.

51%, a quite high A. Administrative Issues: 1 ratio. Poteen p. Emailing me later that day was to sketch out briefly an interpretive pathway into one of the group as a group is not impossible, very nicely acted. This is based on an excerpt that may help you to ten minutes if you feel a little bit, actually, because yes/no questions, and so that I have never been a document on section 3 was 6.

Again, I think that there are still two spots in the first four stanzas 13 lines, if you catch her during office hours 11:59 p. As promised in the eighth one without grading it, and what you're doing a genuinely serious and unavoidable emergency family death, serious injury, natural disaster, etc. It would have helped here. Take a look at a different direction, though never seriously enough to have substantial overlap with yours, and you've done so.

#Irish literature #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Python #Markov chains

[amieyhko]

First Encounters with Death

17 Jan 2017

Aunt Sharon said as I graduate from high school, I will be entering into the age when friends are getting married left and right. She said she was entering into the age when friends’ parents are dying left and right. This was mostly true. I had several older friends who already were in serious relationships and engagement photos popped up every other month on Facebook. The death part seemed far away. I still had another solid thirty-ish years to go. I thought death as an idea far far away in this land of abstraction or something that only happened to my favorite characters on Game of Thrones.

Little did I understand that life and death happened all at once. I hear about suicides a lot. I live in a city of suicidal people. I attend one of the highest ranking universities in the city. “Oh, not anyone I know of,” I’d say and move on.

It was T-5 days until graduation production week in the theatre department. Everyone was bustling about finishing last minute touch-ups here are there. Someone happened to check their phone and saw a news of a girl who hung herself in her dorm room. It was a theatre student. She was a senior. She painted this set. Her creativity was poured out on this production. I used to see her running around in her messy short ponytail with a paint brush and a impromptu cardboard palette. I saw her and I thought she’s cute -- her hair even matches the set’s color scheme. The only time I talked to her was when I needed to move a furniture prop out of the way. She did not have the face of depression. She looked like anything else but death.

Fast forward to the end of the production. Show must go on, everyone said. It did. She was remembered and everyone wailed out her name at the final curtain call. It was dramatic.

Fast forward a few more days. My dad gets a phone call from Korea. I can hear the choking voice of my uncle uttering that grandpa is now in heaven. Dad chokes out a word saying he’ll fly in tomorrow first thing in the morning.

I’m tired. It’s Christmas. It’s midterms. I just finished a show. I have another show to run. I want to sleep. I can’t feel. Information overload. I am numb.

I have told people around me that I wouldn’t bother crying if any of my extended family died. This was a feeling that I had to process through and I have stopped condemning myself for not being able to feel. I came to terms with the fact that mourning would come if I lost something that was dear to my heart. My extended family wasn’t, and that was OK.

So to say that I cried for my dead grandfather a few hours after my parents left is a total nonsense. The recipe for my meltdown consisted of exhaustion, fear of more exhaustion to come, and sleep deprivation.

After a burst of insanity, I whispered to God: “Just let me see snow, please? You will let me get a little taste of snowy hope when I’m there for the funeral. Promise me.”

With the promise of snow and a heart so ready for culture shock (that I stopped calling them culture shock because there are no such things anymore), I stuffed my largest backpack with my thickest winter coat and my cashmere scarf. I flew to Korea by myself more expectant of snow than a funeral.

Fast forward to the week right before finals, a couple weeks after Christmas. Fanny sends me news saying that a junior from our department jumped off one of the taller buildings on campus. We only know of her but not well enough. I run to tell my mum, she said we should pray for the family and my school environment. I go to bed with my heartstrings in knots.

I thought the slushy snow in freezing -3 degrees Celsius was a promise of a happiness for all. My sign of hope was supposed to be applicable to everyone around me. People just needed to stop dying.

“Stop dying!” I complained. “Enough is enough. Not all things have to come in threes. Stop being a work of literature, you’re no fun to read.”

Before I flew out, Patty told me that God was going to show me the mysteries of life. The crazy complicated yet sweetly simple thing called life happens as death intervenes from time to time. I’ve learned with these threes that we just keep moving forward. It did not matter if it was the most wonderfully festive time of the year, three people around me stopped to breathe forever.

Someone once said you can’t have just happiness and numb sadness, if you numb the bad, you also numb the good -- both happens. I’m beginning to grasp that idea of everything taking place at the same time. I’m allowing myself to feel. I’ve learned that taking a smiley reunion photo with our extended family at the funeral home is acceptable. I’ve seen that cracking a joke during the trip to the cemetery is permissible. I’ve found out that feeling ecstatic for the snowy weather is forgivable. I’ve learned that paying a respect to someone doesn’t require love but patience and an open heart. I’ve discovered that show must go on even if everyone is mourning for a dead person. I’ve realized that we still had to take the final exam even though she died -- lucky bastard. I’ve allowed myself to be a little bit irrationally jealous over people who were dead because of the exams they don’t have to take. I’ve also let myself live a little more, breathe a little more often, to smile a little more often, and cry a little more often.

#feels #writing #amie ko #death #journal #reflections #confusion #firsts #snow #faith

[journeyof-lawschool]

MENTAL ILLNESS AND COLLEGE/UNI :: TIPS ON DEALING WITH IT ALL

At this point, I"ve seen quite a lot of studyblrs and studygrams and it definitely has been an enjoyable few weeks as I have settled into my new hobby. But I have not seen a single post about mental illness and how to deal with it when you're studying so I'd like to share some of my tips with you hard working people.

Let me quickly summarise my mental illness in a nutshell

-major depression

-ocd

-Insomnia

-Self Harm

-unsupportive family

-no meds

-no therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist

I had a major relapse halfway into my second semester at uni/college but me being a perfectionist and all, had to find a way to cope with it all and things I found beneficial.

Here are a few things I would like to suggest to those going through a rough time but would also like to at least pass the course.

But please note, i am not a professional and these are just things I have picked up along the years

1. Take a week off of uni

No homework, no assignment, no essay, no test, no exam is worth your life. I repeat, your life is what matters the most. Grades are pointless if you are dead. Mid way through the term, I took a week off of uni. I didn't go to class, I didn't go to any tutorials. I said 'fuck it' and decided I really just needed time for myself.

For the week, I cried, I was an insomniac (tbh I still am), I could barely get out of bed but I made sure that all of that was DONE in the THAT week. I had a major assignment due the next week, but I didn't care. I needed my time to do whatever the fuck I wanted to do without stressing myself out.

2. Use sources

Now mental illness is all different for everyone and unfortunately, I do not like sharing my feelings with real life people. I hate it. Even my best friend doesn't know I have major depression and that I self harm and am suicidal. I think at one point (after that depression week) I was beginning to just break down again. I sat at my table and I just couldn't stop crying. I couldn't do anything but cry in my bed or do nothing in my bed. I really wanted to talk to someone about how I felt and the shit I was going through but I don't (didn't) have the courage to go talk to a doctor about it.

So I thought okay I'm really going to kill myself tomorrow if I don't talk to anyone.

- I went online and talked to an online crisis talk person about all the shit that was going on and how I felt and it REALLY helped me. I told them about EVERYTHING knowing they could not know me. The best part was that they didn't try to constantly frame my depression into a little box or try to pin point define my depression. They listened (read) and they just sort of went along with it and I don't know what it was, but they made me a heck of a lot better.

3. (If you can/want to / able to) talk to professors or school

This is probably something I should have done...I began missing out on major online tests and was literally failing assignments during the beginning of the relapse period. I couldn't talk to anyone about it and was literally deteriorating inside out. But I think talking to my professors about what was going on probably would've gotten me better grades.

3.1 Talk to a doctor/ counsellor

I must admit during high school, there was never a great relationship between the school counsellor and myself. Only because she would tell me shit that really didn't help. Doctors are there to help you (funny I say this when I can't even go to the doctors lol). I've never had medication for my mental illness but maybe they will help. Counsellors are most likely going to tell you how to deal with high levels of stress and stress coping mechanisms, which may help too.

4. Make the study goal small

Only fit in 15 minutes of study? Or only 30? It doesn't matter. As long as you made an attempt, you tried. You got out of bed, you told yourself you have shit to finish and you packed all your emotions in a little ball and held everything together for 15 minutes, I applaud you. You did it. You made an attempt, an effort. For that, you are wonderful and that is totally fine.

5.Stop the need for high grades, JUST PASS (looking at you perfectionists)

The worst thing you can do it neglect your inner feelings and *attempt* to move on. That won't work. You are probably going to be able to properly study for 2 hours in the 5 hours you have spent in the library. You have to remember your situation, your current circumstance. Neglecting your depression and lying to yourself really won't work just to attempt to get a high grade for an assignment.

A PASS IS FINE. Ps GIVE DEGREES. YOU PASSED AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

This applies to exam time. As long as you pass, it is totally fine. Just set the bar low, and tell yourself that its fine to just get 50%

Setting a higher goal and trying to achieve high distinctions, only to get a lower grade will have a SERIOUS impact on your self esteem and let me tell you, that was the engine of my depression during this relapse and oh-dear, that shit hit me hard.

Short story: I actually failed my crime 2 course this semester. The usual me would go

'How could you possibly fail a course??' But depression me deep down knows what matters is that I am alive and I remember all the 4am crying sessions, wanting to kill myself, planning my suicide in my head and waking up 2 hours later to go to uni. If I had set my goal so high and was faced with this fail, I probably would've drowned in self hatred.

Notes on self harming:

This is my bad coping mechanism. I must admit I did self harm during this relapse, I have tried to change that by trying different things like brush lettering and bullet journaling. Find something that you can do.

Final words:

Again, I can't influence this enough,

SCHOOL/ COLLEGE/ UNI IS NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE. YOUR LIFE MATTERS THE MOST.

There is absolutely no point in going to uni and shizzles if you are dead.

If you are struggling, there are numerous online anonymous support websites and phone numbers that can really help, which have helped me tremendously.

Anyone who wants/ needs a chat, I am always here and ready to talk. Again, you got this, we can do this, but you don't have to do it alone.

#studyblr #mentalillness #depression #student #college #highschool #uni #university #lawstudyblr #lawstudent #law studyblr #studyspo #bujo #studyspiration #study motivation #study inspiration #mental illness #ocd #major depression #anxiety #insomnia

[chai-latte-studies-blog]

92 Questions tag!!!

Hey y’all! I’ve been super busy and preoccupied with the final months of my senior year and I was tagged by @ladyhannahjane, so i thought that this would be a perfect post to bring me back to my studyblr! (Thanks for tagging me lovely!!!)

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage: Water!

2. Last phone call: My dad this morning :)

3. Last text message: “Just coming home now!” after I went grocery shopping to my mum

5. Last time you cried: Maybe a few weeks ago?

6. Dated someone twice: No

7. Been cheated on: Not that I know of

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: No

9. Lost someone special: Yes

10. Been depressed: Yes

11. Been drunk and threw up: No I don’t drink!

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS

12. Blue

13. Purple

14. Pink

LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend: Yes

16. Fallen out of love: It was hard but yes

17. Laughed until you cried: Yes - best ab workout I tell you hahaha

18. Met someone who changed you: Yes. I hated how I learnt the lesson and how it changed me at the time, but I’m grateful for it now.

19. Found out who your true friends are: Yes and I love themmmmm ❤️❤️❤️

20. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes

21. Kissed any of your followers: No haha

GENERAL:

22. How many followers do you know in real life: None of them really!

23. Blood type: O+ I think?

24. Do you have any pets: 1 very cuddly and small border collie names Jess!!! 😍❤️

25. Do you want to change your name: Not especially!

26. What did you do for your last birthday: My friends through me a surprise party!

27. What time did you wake up today: 6:45ish

28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping because I’m a grandma

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: GRADUATING!!! 👩🏼‍🎓

30. Last time you saw your mom: A few hours ago!

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I have no clue... there’s too many things I want to change for the better but I do love my life.

32. What are you listening to right now: I’m not listening to music but I’m watching Hart of Dixie 😍

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes! I used to have a crush on a guy named Tom when I was 7 hahaha

34. What’s getting on your nerves right now: Final exams 😓

36. Moles/marks: a small birthmark on my calf and a scar on my forehead from when I fell over when we were living on a boat from when I was little!

35. Most visited webpage: Outlook because I’m always checking my emails

37. Nickname: Bee, B, Boom, Boomy

38. Favorite Movie: I have way too many 😍 maybe 2014 Endless love or coyote ugly? HARRY POTTER!!!

39. Zodiac sign: Piscies

40. Pronouns: she/her

41. Elementary: Private school. I loved it!

42. High school: Private prep school. Again, I adore it!

43. Hair color: Dark blonde/light brown

44. Hair length: Midway down my back

45. Eye color: Bright blue

46. Height: 5′7”

47. Do you have a crush on someone: Not at the moment :)

48. What do you like about yourself: My kindness :)

49. Piercings: My firsts in my ears!

50. Tattoos: No!

51. Righty or lefty: Righty

FIRSTS

52. First surgery: An emergency appendectomy 😱

53. First piercing: I think I was 12 and it was my firsts (still the only ones I have!)

54. First best friend: Julie ❤️❤️❤️❤️

55. First sport you joined: Swimming or gymnastics

56. First vacation: The North coast of Sydney I reckon!

57. Favorite pair of trainers: My adidas

58. First pair of shoes you bought on your own: Old skool navy vans - sooooo comfy

RIGHT NOW

59. Eating: nothing

60. Drinking: nothing

61. I’m about to: Click ‘next episode’ haha

62. Wishing to: be sleeping because I’m tired

63. Waiting for: Jesus

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids: 110%

65. Get married: 110%

66. Career: A writer, or teacher for kids with special needs.

WHICH IS BETTER

67. Lips or eyes: Eyes

68. Hugs or kisses: Totally depends on the situation 😉😉

69. Shorter or taller: Teller

70. Older or younger: Younger

71. Romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneous

72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Don’t really care!

73. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive

74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship

75. Trouble maker or hesitant: Trouble maker, but I wish I liked hesitant 😩

HAVE YOU EVER:

76. Kissed a stranger: No

77. Drank hard liquor: No

78. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes!

79. Sex on first date: No

80. Broke someone’s heart: Maybe, but we were both young so I don’t know how he felt

81. Had your own heart broken: Oh boy yes

82. Been arrested: No 😱

83. Turned someone down: Yes

84. Cried when someone died: Yes

85. Fallen for a friend: Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself: Heck yes!!!

87. Miracles: Aw yeah

88. Love at first sight: Yes (I’m cheesy I know)

[mariellewritesalot]

That Time I Won a Palanca

The first time I joined the Palanca Awards I was 15 and eager, high on hopes that maybe I had a shot at winning something so prestigious. It was around the time that my writing blog was only 5 months old and receiving feedback from strangers on the internet, with Sir KC's push, I gave it a try. I failed. I had quietly hoped for the worst, but it still stung when I realized I’ve been daydreaming about it quite often. The next time around I was so discouraged I didn't even bother. Since I lost in RACJOURN 2016, too, and there were people who openly told me I needed improvement, I took a break from my writing. There was a long period of time where I thought my writing was not getting me anywhere, that it was just as everyone said--a hobby. I settled for writing whenever I felt like it and doing my best not to fail as the Editor-in-Chief of Ang Kalatas, a literary folio entrusted to me by my school. I became anxious of sharing my thoughts online, doubted my abilities, vowed to read more, and tried to improve how I wrote. I rarely let my family read my work, but my parents have always been supportive of me being a writer despite their hopes that I may pursue law after all. My teachers saw potential in me, always, which warms my heart every time. I for one, am a big fan of constructive criticism when it came to my writing. My friends, even if they often hit me with #nosebleed jokes, are my biggest fans, too. This support system kept me going and so, when 2017 came, I decided to give the Kabataan Essay category another shot before I turned 18.

2017. The first defining moment was copping silver for Feature Writing in RACJOURN 2017 with my piece on Extrajudicial Killings. I joined the Manila Times Essay Writing Contest with the same theme but failed. This didn’t stop me. I was anxious as I wrote my piece for Palanca in the summer, stressing about it for a whole month, letting Sir Ivan and Ma'am Fyke read it so they can provide their critique, spending about 3 hours on the last night, thinking of the perfect title before I sent it in the following day. As my parents stood by me while I freaked over requirements, I calmly told them that if I win, it would all be for them, anyway. There is no better feeling in the world than seeing my parents happy, to let them know that all their struggle to get me good education and to raise me well aren’t going to waste. 

To be completely honest, there was one event in life this year that led me to believe my entire year was down the drain. I was devastated. Heartbroken. Clinging on to my friends for support. In tears at the most random times...It took a while before I got better, the progress was so slow that sometimes I think I am still not over it, especially when things stress me out and all I need is someone to talk to. I started working out and *trying* to eat healthier when I can. Before I knew it, I was 20 pounds lighter. I joined inter-school events, focused on college entrance exam reviews, had the time of my life with friends I’ve neglected for the past two years. Literally anything that could occupy my time and the empty feeling I had in me, and yet, there were still nights when the pain would get so unbearable I began to ask if the good times were ever even worth this suffering. It got my mind off winning a Palanca award since all I wanted was to feel better and I didn’t think I could take another heartbreak if I didn’t win. I prayed a lot, took refuge in my faith that God will never fail me with the help of my friend Sofia, who encouraged me to read the Bible when I could. Now, I feel calmer whenever I realize that this was something God was telling me, to mold me into the person I was meant to be. He had His reasons, I just had to be strong and patient enough to see it through.

On the 5th of August 2017, I answered the door thinking that the shirt I ordered online had finally arrived. It surprised me when the courier handed me a smaller package. I remember asking, "Kuya, saan galing 'tong sulat?" 

And him going, "Sa Palanca Awards po, Ma'am. Sumali po ba kayo? Nako mukhang nanalo kayo Ma'am ha! Malaki yang award na yan!" 

My heart raced at the name of the sender. I laughed and said, "Nako, Kuya, wag mo kong paasahin baka masaktan ako!" 

I ran to the dinning room, hands shaking so much I couldn't open the package. My brother, Kuya Rj, had to open it for me and give me the envelope. I CRIED when I read it. It was the first time in a long while that I shed tears because I was unbelievably happy. I ran upstairs to tell my parents, my mom wanting to immediately let her Facebook friends know. My dad told me he knew I had it in me. My friend, Justine, who was visiting that time reacted the same way. I told them I wanted to keep it a secret first. I told everyone I cared for and loved through private messages. It was the happiest day of my life, I was so overwhelmed with gratitude I wanted to reach out to the sky and give God the biggest hug. I was saved, blessed beyond measure.

After almost 3 eventful weeks, last night I finally got my award at The Manila Peninsula with my mother. Everything looked so beautiful, in my head I was internally screaming because I was in the presence of literary geniuses, renowned icons, and writers like me who couldn’t believe their luck. Table 18, the one where I sat with fellow 18 under winners and their lovely parents who were all accommodating. I never thought I’d ever experience being called upfront prior  to the ceremony just so photographers could take our photo. Surreal, is what! I was almost half-expecting someone to come out and tell me I’m being pranked, or for me to wake up because surely I must be dreaming. I not nearly as good as everyone in that room. What did I do to deserve such honor? The dinner was great, and for a split second I regretted wearing a tight dress, I could eat all night! The tea was exceptional as well. The play presentation was entertaining, worthy of a Palanca indeed. Dr. Dalisay’s speech sparked something in me: a vision, maybe, of what it would be like to write (and speak) as well as he does. F. Sionil Jose sat two tables away from us, and I wanted a photo with him but he left earlier than expected. My mother fangirled over Cherry Pie Picache being in the same room (and the bathroom!) The feeling of coming up the stage and receiving the award was the most exhilarating thing I’ve experienced. Dr. Dalisay was right, I will never forget the first time I won a Palanca, that night. The certificate will keep me going through hard times, just as his did. I knew right then and there that only a few have had the same experience, and I am not letting it pass me by. I am determined to write for as long as I can, improving every year. I still have a long way to go, but I am excited for what the future holds for my writing career.

Thank you to everyone who believed in me and my writing. My family and friends, teachers, Adamson University--my second home since the 3rd grade, online readers since the dawn of my Wattpad fan fiction phase (slight cringe) after my short Jr. Total Girl Staff Writer stint at 12, to the birth of mariellewritesalot at 15, and now. Thank you God, for showing me You are never going to make me struggle without giving me blessings in return. Even with college entrance exams and my debut coming up, I feel like my 2017 has already been made. I can only hope for it to get even better.

This experience has humbled me and made me want to write more for the youth, and for our country. Mabuhay ang mga alagad ng sining! 

Marielle Fatima Burog Tuazon. 17 years old. Palanca awardee, third prize for "The Pursuit of Lucidity" in the Kabataan Essay category. 🤗

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: I will be releasing a new short story in November to celebrate my 18 years of existence on that month! The tentative title is Our Last Good Day and it’s going to be the Young Adult short story you wouldn’t want to miss. More updates and hints coming your way, soon! If you want to read my past short stories, click here.

[azlininnorway]

I’m not an excellent student.

The past few weeks (years) I've been a great example of what a good student should NOT look like. I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth. And why haven't I been so dedicated to my studies? Well, the answer is easy. It simply hasn't been part of my top priorities. It's not because my studies aren't important to me or that they're not worth prioritizing. It was easy for me to prioritize my studies at Flowing Wells (my old high school), part of it being that I was simply more adjusted to that kind of education system. But part of it was also the fact that I always used school as a way to deal with my stress. Getting straight A's was a coping mechanism. It was also "my thing." All my friends had their things; football, cheerleading, dance, smoking weed (lol). But being a smart kid was a title I had and loved and was so proud of. But when I came to UWC, everything completely shifted. Being the smart kid was no longer my thing. There were other kids smarter than I (not a bad thing and not comparing myself in a bad way, just the truth). My studying for tests and doing my homework suddenly had less importance on grades than it had at home (debatable). I say this in the way that IB ultimately doesn't give a shit if you get 24/25 on a test or do numbers 1-5 on page 157 for the next class. IB cares (mostly) what you get on your final exams. In addition to that, my environment was totally different. I was being challenged in ways I had never been challenged before. I saw new parts of myself that I never even knew existed. Good and bad. I was in a long distance relationship with a guy, but also with my favorite people in the world. My coping mechanism wasn't my coping mechanism anymore because I wasn't doing as well as I was used to doing. So what did I do to cope you wonder? Well, the truth is, that in my first term, I didn't. My first term at RCN was hell. Without a doubt, It was the hardest 3/4 months of my life. It was hard for me to be me, and once I did, I apparently did it around the wrong people, or most likely I also took unintentional small things personally and saw them as signs of rejection. I hated the food. I didn't eat. I was doing bad in school, so I didn't go. There was not a second that went by that I wasn't home sick. And before I had even arrived home in December I had made up my mind that I would not return in January. As you can see, I clearly did. One of the bravest things I ever did was come back to RCN for my second term. I wasn't sure I would finish two years, but damn it I was gonna at least finish one. It was a difficult decision that I did not want to do, but did it anyways. And I vowed that I would try to get better. I would make an effort. I did not have priorities, so I made some. And as time passed the things on that list shifted around. Taking care of my myself mentally and physically soon were at the top of the list and "school" was moved down. I know my grades weren't the best and I know for a fact that they don't show my real potential, but I learned so many things about myself. Because of that, I have absolutely no regrets about the way I have lived my life at RCN. I should have studied more. But I didn't. And I'm okay with that. Because guess what? I didn't get a 7 in all my subjects or achieve anything higher than a 35 in any of my predicted grades, but in my eyes, I achieved so much more that. I went back to baking & cooking, which is something I hadn't done since Chef died. I remembered how much I adored it, and luckily it was something I HAD to do in order to stay healthy and fed (sorry Cantina). I started working on my self confidence and realized that I am so much more than I ever even knew. I'm not the greatest at anything, but I'm great in a lot of ways. For the first time in years, I saw REAL progress in getting over my first relationship. I built some of the most beautiful, incredible relationships I ever had with extraordinary people. Slowly but surely I became less bitter and more forgiving and understanding. I found new coping mechanisms that actually helped me grow. And I'm so proud of myself for that. Because even in the past, getting A's didn't mean I genuinely retained and learned all the information I was being taught. (I had an A+ in US history, but I don't remember 95% of it, shoutout to Sol). Finally, my coping mechanisms made me happier and I got to share my food with others and I started to make people smile. Along the way I realized that this life is MINE, so I'm going to make it mine. I decided that I was going to take 3/4 'gap' years. I decided that I wanted to excel in other things besides being a student. I want to excel at being a compassionate, intelligent, curious human being. I know that if I worked hard enough I could have achieved an awesome grade in IB. But I don't need or want to prove it to anyone, because I know me and what I am capable of. And if I spent enough time in the library and studying behind a desk, hell yeah I think I could get into a lot of good colleges. But that's not what I want. And I'm not saying that that experience is any worse or better than mine, it's just different. Actually, I really admire all of you who had the dedication to do that. And I also think it's worth saying that it's okay that everyone has a different UWC experience. There isn't a "right way" to experience UWC. And you shouldn't compare your experiences to others. As long as you live the way you want to here, that's what's important. But to me, I have come to realize that being at RCN to me, is not necessarily about the studies part, but more about the experience. I am at this wonderful place (sometimes..mostly) with all these unique people, and it took me almost the full two years to really appreciate it for what it is. Even if I spend it with the same 5 people doing the same 5 things, after I leave this place, it'll never be the same again. I'll never get to relive this experience. Obviously I want to pass (that would be pretty nice), so I work to do that and I am still learning how to balance study and fun. (PS, this is all coming from the girl who cried her eyes out in third grade for getting a . I love learning and I love knowledge. But textbooks and flash cards aren't the only ways to learn things. The most important things I learned at UWC weren't the things I learned in a classroom, but the things I learned in my room, the bathroom floor, a spot next to the fjord, a random mountain or a field of flowers. I know it's very unusual for me to post such long posts- but it's my last week in Norway and I graduate this week so give me break. And this rant-post was mostly for myself to reflect on IB/RCN. After all, it takes a little getting used to not being one of the smart kids after being a smart kid my whole life. Maybe this post is a way to make myself feel better... I don't really know what the purpose is. Maybe it's just an excuse to procrastinate studying philosophy. But I hope that people don't think I'm trying to justify or excuse myself from being a "bad" student or not acing my exams... I guess I'm just trying to say that sometimes our priorities shift and we change, but that isn't always a bad thing. In fact, sometimes, like in my case, it can be the most exhilarating and liberating thing in the world. I'm happy.

written: may 2017

posted july 2017

[lifeaftersalvino-blog]

Grief is Love

June 5, 2017 12:00 AM

It was a usual Wednesday at work. For some reason, I’ve always kept track of time and hurried home after shift. It was like my body was always tired and needed sleep for most of the times. It’s a given that when you’ve reached the third trimester, everything is just plain heavy. In spite of the expected symptoms of pregnancy, I was a happy mama-to-be. I thanked the Lord for the easy journey.

When Karl and I reached home and rested in bed, Vino gracefully showed us active movements, like waves. As if he was learning tricks inside my womb. We had the best show that night. I took a video of it and it was close to 10 minutes - non stop baby kicks and jabs. I delightedly posted the videos on Instagram to show how healthy my baby and how proud I was. The next Thursday morning, while we prepared breakfast, Karl asked me if Vino moved already. I told him that I haven’t noticed yet because maybe he’s still sleeping and tired from his movements last night. We were confident that everything was fine. Lunch time came, I told Karl to pick me up from work because I was craving for a particular food. While on our way to the restaurant, Vino made movements and hiccups but it wasn’t strong as the night before. My OB told me during one of my visits that you shouldn’t mind too much about the strength of the kicks especially now that he’s growing so much and everything is getting tight inside. She said to monitor the movements by numbers instead- It should be 10 movements in 2 hours. His was way more than 10,15 when I counted. So again, I felt safe. The night came and I patiently waited for Vino to move actively. We held our excitement and we waited, and waited but nothing happened. I had some bars of matcha chocolate and two glasses of ice cold water. I tried poking him and asked Karl for a cup of hot chocolate but still, nothing happened. I called my OB and she said to go straight to the delivery room. Karl and I rushed to the hospital and got inside the exam room. Luckily, two of the doctors who assisted me were my cousins. (Thank God) They brought the doppler to detect Vino’s heartbeat. It took them a lot of time but they couldn’t hear Vino’s. They gave me reasons but I knew something went wrong at that moment. I was scared but subconsciously, I convinced myself that Vino was okay. (“We just had our prenatal visit a week ago! Vino was perfectly fine, I know, I know. I’ve prayed for this child”) One of the doctors said that I’d be transferred to the labor room so they can perform ultrasound. So I went in on a wheelchair. As I sat down in bed, I saw fully occupied beds by mothers in labor and heard various heart beats of their babies. It was like a choir of hope. But as minutes have passed, it turned to be a torturous sound. Desperation and bargaining sank in. I cried gently as I faced the side of the wall. I texted my family of the situation. I cried louder. I felt like a was in a dream, I wanted to slap my face just to wake up and stay close to Karl. A group of doctors came in and while they were doing the ultrasound, I saw their faces and their silence was disturbing. They gave me reasons again. They said to wait for another 2 hours for my OB’s clinic to open so they can perform another ultrasound using the new machine. It was the lamest explanation. Karl kept on texting and calling me to ask how I was and if Vino was okay. I just told him they don’t know what’s happening yet. I didn’t know how to tell him. Anxiety took over me. My OB was out of the country but another OB took charge and she was excellent and motherly. (I missed my mama at that moment) She said “While waiting, I have to transfer you to a separate room so you can’t hear any of these.” She was God-sent!

Two hours have passed, I was wheeled in to my OB’s clinic. Another OB who wasn’t a stranger to us did the ultrasound. She was very special to us because she discovered Vino’s gender at 17 weeks and performed our first 4D Scan at 24 weeks. She repeatedly told us that time how handsome our baby was. She was there during the milestones of our pregnancy. And now, to our Son’s death.

My heart felt like bursting and my hands were cold. I told my cousin that I was scared. She kept on distracting me. I couldn’t look at Karl’s face at that time. My eyes were on the large monitor seeking and hoping to see and hear my baby’s heartbeat but there was complete silence again. The OB kept on maneuvering but I told her to stop because I knew that I have lost my Son. His heart was stationary. She said “In, I’m sorry…” My world fell apart. I cried so hard and kept on rubbing Vino as if trying to wake him up and prove them wrong. Karl walked down to me and hugged my tummy. He cried all his heart. What I remember was, I just kept on crying and saying “Why, doc?”, calling for my Son’s name endlessly. Karl said to do all the necessary measures to save our son, do emergency C Section just to save him. I knew it was not possible because it was useless. His heart already stopped beating. Two words I told Karl were “I’m sorry.” I hugged him so tight and cried some more. I wanted that moment to end instantly. It was too painful to bear. More painful than labor pains and any other pains on earth.

It was finally time for us to get back to the labor room. While we were headed upstairs, I was totally zoned out and paralyzed. I hid my face with my hands. If there was an escape button just to get out from where I was, I’ve done it! I was crashed and broken. The OB in charge talked to me and Karl privately. She said she was sorry and there was nothing we could have done to save our Son. She said it could be cord coil. She was teary eyed as she hugged me saying “never ever blame yourself from your Son’s loss. Cord accidents like these happen sometimes and there was no way you can control it.” She then gave me two options. The first was to induce labor right away (may take 3 to 7 days) and the result may end up to 80% Cesarean Section. The second option was to go home to my family, wait for 2-4 weeks and let labor and birth take place naturally (considering that I will get tested for fibrinogen levels and undergo ultrasound more frequently). The OB asked me what I wanted. I glanced at Karl. He was like me, unsure of how things would go for us. I told the OB I am not in the right mind to make the decision. I asked her what she thinks is best and she said option 2.

My mama arrived before I got out from the hospital and I was so thankful for her presence. We went back to the hotel and hugged her so hard and cried like a baby. The thought of carrying my lifeless son is unimaginably and mentally depressing. I felt my tummy slowly sag and became so soft and low-lying. He was gone forever.

On our first night at the hotel, it was just me and Karl in our room. We cried ourselves to sleep and kept on asking why. Why. Why. Endless WHYs. It was the hardest when we were both alone. I did not know how to comfort Karl. I felt hopeless and useless.

Our families flew in and our close friends showed up for the next few days. We have never felt so alone, yet the emptiness was and still is overwhelming.

My mama brought me and Karl to Sacred Heart Church. While we waited for the mass to start, we prayed in the room where the blessed sacrament was exposed. I kneeled on the front row. I cried as if I was the only person inside. I talked to God “what would I possibly say to you? I need you to tell me why so I can understand.” For the first time in my life, I felt anger. It was a test of faith. After the mass, we reached out to the priest and had Vino baptized while he was still inside my womb. At that moment, I found peace.

June 4th came. It was 7pm when I noticed my lower abdomen sag some more and this particular cramp-like pain combined with low back pain persisted. This should be it. So I got in again to the exam room. I felt like I had PTSD. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) The doctor performed an internal exam and I was 1cm dilated. She said that I should be confined and wait until the labor will progress. So we waited again. They administered “Primigyne” intravaginally to ripen and dilate my cervix. It was given at 6-hour interval x 3 doses. The pain was 10/10. I guess they really had to force labor because my fibrinogen levels were elevated, the likelihood of developing DIC (Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation) was high.

It was the morning of June 5th when they had to do an internal exam again. I was still 2cm dilated. The pain was increasing (subjectively) but bearable. They had to take me to the labor room where I was again separated from other moms who were in labor. The pain increased some more so they had to give me 3 shots of “cocktail” pain relievers with intervals on my butt cheek. I was thankful for my cousins who were there. They gave me unlimited back rubs and comforting words which were very helpful and priceless. They then had to administer the remaining dose of Primigyne because the progress of my labor was slow. Being inside the delivery room while they administer the medication was traumatic. I heard doctors screaming “PUSH” and baby cries from the other room. It was heart breaking for me. I was there in a lithotomy position, crying out of physical and emotional pain. It was consuming. I wanted to give up. But I had Karl. He was all I thought of.

The OB came in and explained to me that she had to do another internal exam and this time, more painful. She said she was sorry she had to do it. I was clueless and not ready for the pain. She manually dilated my cervix from 2cm to 5cm and broke my bag of water using her hand. I felt like I was going to die. I thought I could not make it. She said “Ina’s going to deliver within an hour.” She instructed the nurses and doctors to open the packs now and have her holy water ready. 20 minutes have passed and I was 9 cm, restless and I felt like I was not myself anymore. The pain was very rough and over the limit. I remember Karl and I decided to have an Epidural Injection and pleaded for a less painful labor and delivery because the loss of our son was too much pain already. I had undergone the same physical pain that other mothers did but the rewards were different. I delivered my lifeless Son at 33 weeks normally without Epidural Injection and I had labor for 22 hours. That was it. All I was thinking the whole time was Karl. I was shameless and selfless during my entire labor. I kept on praying to Jesus to make the pain go away a little and heal me. On the table, I had to push hard four times and there was Vino. They showed me how telephone-wired my baby’s cord was and its base was twisted 4 times, no oxygen was going to him. It was really a cord accident, there was no way we could have detected it through ultrasound. Our OB prayed over him and blessed him with holy water. She said that I have to take a look at our Son and carry him so I won’t have regrets later on. He is my son after all. She handed Vino to me and carried him on my side. He looked so much like Karl. He was still pink and he was just like sleeping peacefully. It was such a precious moment for us. It was pain and hope altogether; hope that a miracle might bring our son back. I remember Karl said that he might not take it when he sees Vino. So our doctor told me “Sorry but I really have to let your husband carry your baby. I don’t want him to ask you in the future how your Son looked like and how it felt carrying him… I want you both to connect with your Son and talk about him together when you are healed. It would bring your husband a sense of peace and hopefully, acceptance.” Doc was right about everything.

When I was brought to the recovery room, Karl was there seated with Vino in his arms. He carried him with gentleness… I saw how hurt he was. He was crying and kissing our son’s face. It was supposed to be a happy moment for them but it was a painful picture.

I returned to my room and the early stages of grief sank in. My heart was empty. The thought of living life again was impossible at that time.

Doc said beforehand to look for a safe container for Vino to fit in. Karl told me it was the toughest job he has done. “Imagine looking for the best container where we have to place our baby?” He was supposed to be in our arms and his crib with clothes and blanket for warmth and comfort. But all I wanted to think was, “he is wrapped in God’s arms in heaven. He is destined to be an angel.”

On the 8th of June, we had to go home to Ormoc to bury our Son. Karl had to hand-carry Vino all the way to Ormoc via boat (fast craft) and I took the plane ride. It was painful, he said. As I waited for my Son’s arrival, my papa and Karl’s papa held the container on both ends as they entered our house. It was an unforgettable moment for me. Vino was supposed to be their first grandson in the family. They loved him since day one.

My papa made sure to have a customized wooden casket for our little angel. I told my papa I wanted Vino beside my Grandfather when we bury him because it gives me a certain security. Before the funeral, my sister braved in placing Vino from the container to his casket and wrapped him with his baby towel with his name embroidered on it. Our families were strong for us.

Another blessing God gave me a week after I delivered was the breastmilk I was capable of producing. I cried my heart out again. There was too much pain. I told myself, I’ve prayed for this too… I wish I could just send this to heaven so Vino gets a taste of her mama’s milk. Karl never failed to comfort me during my down times. Grief is indeed, love.

Today marks the 30th day since I delivered Vino. The day I met him and carried him in my arms. The day we kissed him I love you and Good bye.

Forever, Son, I will search for moments full of you. I will think of you every day and long for you in every moment. I lost a part of my heart when I knew you were gone. Things will never be the same, Vino.

You are our great love. Our days always start and end with you.

I will gather my strength each passing day and let God. Someday, we’ll get back on our feet again and you will be proud of us. Just one day at a time, Son. Mama and Papa will see you one day and we’ll all be together in God’s perfect time. Mama will never grow tired of missing and remembering you, Vino. I love you like no other… forever.

#stillbirthawareness #iam1in4

[not-close-to-straight]

Lost Boy (Chapter 5 & Epilogue)

MASTERLIST

-------------------------------

Steve spent every day of the next three weeks re-reading every text in his phone between him and Tony, from the very first flirty texts to the more heartfelt ones later on.

He hated it.

Loved it.

Missed Tony he physically ached with it. 

The day his results came in, Steve actually sat at his table and cried. Eight years of school were finally over. Countless hours of studying. The last three weeks of pacing and worrying and running every minute of the exam through his mind over and over again.

And he had passed.

Steve poured himself a celebratory shot of his favorite aged whiskey, and picked up his phone to call Tony.

***************** They met at the cafe they ordered from when they would study together, and Steve sat there for nearly fifteen minutes before Tony pulled up, stepping out of a brand new bright red car.

“Steve. Sorry I'm late.” Tony was dressed in his standard black skinny jeans, even though these ones weren't ripped. The light blue t-shirt was a change and Steve couldn't help the spark of interest at the way it stretched and pulled over Tony's arms and chest, bringing out the soft brown in his eyes. His gloves were gone, but the eyeliner was still there, even if it was a little less caked on , and his goatee had grown in nearly all the way, making him look several years older, and Steve kind of loved it.

“It's no problem. You, um, drove? Since when?” Steve eyed the shiny new car with a little smile. “Thought you didn’t do that sort of thing.” 

“Yeah. Got my license. Bought a car.” Tony followed his gaze out the window. “I never wanted to drive, not after my mom’s accident, but I figured it was time to move on, time to grow up a little.” 

“Good for you.” Steve meant it. “I can't imagine that was an easy decision to come to.”

“It really wasn't.” They were quiet, awkwardly so, as the waitress came over to give them menus. “So.” Tony finally said. “The bar? Have you heard?””

“I passed!” Steve couldn't stop the grin, and Tony's whole face lit up in an answering smile.

“I knew you would. I knew it. Steve, that's amazing. I am so proud of--” his voice trailed off, but his smile didn't dim. “I’m happy for you.” 

“Yeah, it's really amazing.” Steve couldn’t have tamed his grin if he wanted to. “I’ve already interviewed and accepted a job with a firm downtown, I start at the end of next week. Everything I’ve been working towards for eight years and it’s finally working out.” 

“I’m happy for you.” Tony repeated, then he glanced out the window, his fingers flexing nervously. “So um, you didn't call. I waited, and you didn't… why not? I mean, I know you were busy but I thought maybe you’d changed your mind about wanting to try. Have you-- have you changed your mind?”

“Tony.” Steve held his hand up, and took a deep breath. “I didn't call you after the bar because I needed to know if I passed or not, needed to know which direction I was going to be going. Because whether you meant to be or not, you were a total distraction these last few weeks and I was a little worried I’d do something reckless if I didn’t pass. I needed to know for sure first.” 

“That’s... fair.” Tony said slowly, and then a little panicked, “I wasn’t purposefully trying to distract you, Steve. Not consciously, I mean? I swear. I swear.” 

“I’m sure you weren’t.” Steve assured him. “But before I could even think about seeing you again I had to know if feeling this about you was more detrimental than helpful to me. We had so much fun but if it was pushing me away from my goals… well that's a whole other thing to be dealt with.”

“We did have fun, right?” Tony said wistfully. “And you passed, which means I didn’t distract too badly?” he couldn't keep the hopeful light in his eyes. “Right?”  

“I passed. And I called you as soon as I knew.” Steve reached out across the table for Tony's hand. “I um, I've missed you, Tony. Like it's been making me insane. I’ve missed you. Even the moments that weren't...weren't so fun. I missed you.” 

“Oh my god.” Tony dropped his head onto the table with a thud. “I missed you too. Oh my god.” He mumbled, and sniffed loudly. “Um I got you a present. For when you passed. I knew you would, so I planned ahead.” He dug in his pack and pulled out a folded letter. “Here.”

Steve sent him a curious look, and opened it, scanning the contents quickly.

It was a list of test results, all of them reading negative.

“What's… what is this? What's it mean?” he put it down on the table and cocked his head. He didn't let go of Tony's hand though, and the boy squeezed it thankfully.

“It means--” Tony cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably. “It means that, um, the morning you went to take your exam, I went to the doctor and got tested for everything I possibly could, just in case. It means that I started learning to drive that same weekend, so I could get a car and start working my way towards being an adult. I finally quit being lazy and submitted my Thesis so I can work on getting accepted to the doctorate program. I haven't left my aunt’s house for any reason other than errands in a month. Not any other reason.” He emphasized. “It means that, I am really hoping my shitty mistakes haven't ruined things with you, and even though I completely understand why you needed space, I am selfishly hoping you never need space again. It means----”

“Tony.” Steve interrupted his speech. “Honey, it says here you got tested for Chicken-Pox.”

“Right.”

“And a gluten allergy?”

“It just seems like guys who wear glasses are also allergic to weird things.” He said defensively. “I was trying to cover all my bases in case you were one of those guys!” 

“Dogs?” Steve was trying to hide a smile, finding embarrassed Tony completely adorable.

“I want a dog.” Tony bit his lip. “Just making sure I could have one.”

“I want one too.” Steve replied softly. “So I guess its a good thing you’re not allergic.” 

“I know we still have a lot to talk about.” Tony pleated at the table cloth anxiously. “And stuff to work out. Questions that need answered but, um. I mean, I still really want to try being with a lawyer.” He looked up through his lashes and smiled that slow little smirk that always drove Steve crazy. “Have I- have I missed my chance, Lawyer Man?”

********************* Laying in bed together, several lovely hours later, Tony stretched with a low moan, wincing at the burn between his legs, and draped himself over Steve's chest.

“So. You asked me which drugs worked the best for me.”

Steve tensed and shook his head, wrapping a thick arm around Tony's back. “No, Tony. Let's not talk about this now. Not...now. Come on.”

“Listen.” Tony tapped his chest to shut him up. “None of the drugs worked for me, not very well, but sex always did. Quieted my brain, blanked me out for hours. So I had… a lot of it. The physical contact, just being held. It's addicting. But I-I didn't do that, or at least not so much since I moved here. None since I met you. None at all.” Steve nodded his understanding and just held him tighter. “I told you the first day we met that I was just lost, and I meant it. Some days are harder than others, and some days I’m more lost than others. It just happens.”

“I remember.” Steve murmured. “I know, baby.”

“But, I don't feel like that anymore.” Tony snuggled as close as he could. “Not with you. Not like this. No hard days. I'm not lost, Steve, not anymore.”

************* Epilogue *************

“Fucking hell Steve.” Tony dropped his head back and bit his lip bloody trying to quiet a scream.

“Want to hear you baby.” Steve grunted in his ear, pinning Tony harder to the wall and thrusting harder. “You know I love to hear you. Come on. Louder.”

“Can't. Library. Gotta be quiet.” Tony's hands were scrabbling all over Steve's shoulders, down his arms, tearing at the wall paper trying to find something to hold on to when Steve bottomed out inside him again.

Tony's pants had been tossed into a bookshelf, his shirt hiked up to under his arms so Steve could get his hands on as much skin as possible. Tony had yanked Steve's glasses off and ripped off as many buttons as he could until the pressed and starched shirt was laying open against all that perfect tan skin.

“Like hell we can't be loud. You're so good like this, how am I supposed to be quiet?”  Steve murmured in a hoarse tone that curled Tony’s toes, ratcheted his desire up even higher. “Want to hear you, love when you're screaming.”

Tony moaned, closing his eyes, letting himself sink farther into Steve's embrace, letting the heat race up his spine as Steve moved inside him, every inch of his body crying out for more more more from his boyfriend.

“Do you know I love you?” He said softly, so softly that he couldn't be sure Steve even heard, as the blonde shifted their positions enough to make Tony see stars as a spot deep inside him lit up. “Ah, babe. Keep doing that. Come on come on.” He urged breathlessly and Steve took his lips in a hard kiss, holding him still with one big hand, the other pulling over Tony roughly. It was barely minutes later when Tony bit down hard into Steve's shoulder, muffling the noise as he cried his release.

“Yeah Tony. Baby, baby just like that for me.” Steve was nearly growling, his orgasm thrumming through his body, making his legs shake as he held them both up.

When he could finally breathe again, when his muscles unlocked, Steve pressed a gentler, sweeter kiss to Tony's red, bruised lips,

“I love you too, my lost boy. Love you so much.” he brushed hair off Tony's forehead, touching the soft pink blush on his cheeks. “Of course I do.” 

“I'm not lost anymore.” Tony corrected, tracing over Steve's face and jaw tenderly, and Steve swallowed back the emotion clogging his throat.

“That’s right, Tony. Not while I'm here.” Steve promised. “Never again while I'm here.”

---------------------

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[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

I put a lot of pressure on myself

I feel like for the past few weeks I have had all of these things building inside of me and they finally boiled over so

I’m a very type A person, always go go go and I get extremely anxious when I have free time/don’t feel like I’m being productive. I’m also very competitive so when you combine these two things they sometimes work in my favor- I’m a very good student, strong athlete, determined, dedicated, etc. But there is also definitely a dark side to this personality type. For the past 2 weeks I’ve been pushing myself way too hard, waking up at 5:45 to go to the gym before my 8am classes, waking up at 6am on SATURDAY to study, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a morning person and I genuinely like waking up early but my habits of the past few weeks have been a bit extreme and arguably unnecessary. I don’t HAVE to get up that early in order to squeeze everything that needs to be accomplished into my day. Throw in a week of 3 back to back exams and a ton of deadlines on top of that already building exhaustion and anyone could see that it’s a recipe for disaster. Today all of my stress finally came to a head. I woke up (early af again) and was just exhausted. Would it have been healthier to sleep? Probably. But i went to the gym anyway because I knew my anxiety would be sky high all day if I didn’t. I had an exam this morning which for whatever reason was held in a different building on the complete opposite side of campus from the normal class and I got lost going there. Then I had a chemistry exam tonight. I have never in my life felt so completely lost on an exam. My calculator was rounding everything and I knew all of my calculations were off and nothing was making sense. I handed it in knowing I had failed. Bombed it. And guess what? I left and I sat outside my dorm and sat on a rock and cried!!!!!! I know that one grade doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, but it isn’t really about the test, it’s about how I treat myself. I don’t know how to just relax. I put such a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself that sometimes a total breakdown actually feels good because it makes me feel as though I have permission to take it easy on myself since clearly I’m not doing so hot.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is I guess I just wanted to get those feelings out there. And I think the thing that really gets to me is that when I get into these situations where I’m working myself too hard and putting too much pressure on myself it definitely exacerbates my ED issues and that fucking terrifies me. It reminds me of how I felt in high school during that time and I never ever want to be back there.

I’m sure I’ll feel much better by tomorrow and on the bright side my exams are over AND I have exciting spring break plans but right now I feel like I might need a 35 hour nap.

#personalposts #my head hurts

[itsjayyyy]

June 26th, 2019 11:50 am

holy hell it’s been a long time since my last update. First of all: that last update ended at a really climactic moment and I’m mad that I don’t remember what happened next, or even that it ever happened. It’s like reading a book that ends on a cliffhanger and has no sequel.

So I did end up getting everything from the last update resolved. Rose took a week but finally responded with “you’ve made a lot of valid points, I want to work harder to repair our friendship.” Regardless of whether I believe her, at least I had this exchange to hold her accountable. I got my tire changed a week after I said I would. My mechanic looked at it and was like “what the fuck is wrong with you” because the strip became a continuous 2.5-inch wide belt of smoothness. We passed the apartment inspection, but they did charge me the $250 for the pet fee. No big deal tho.

Recently mom has been wanting to move back to michigan. She’s tired of florida and the market is perfect for selling the house now. But dad says he won’t move until he can see for sure that rose gets her degree and can move out on her own terms, financially stable. Mom wants to give rose a hard deadline to move out. I agree with mom, rose is getting far too old to be living at her parent’s home rent free considering she makes almost double what I do, and I’m entirely independent. Like seriously, where is her money going? An ounce of weed a week? Buying her boyfriend a new xbox and games? Fixing her piece of shit car which broke down again a week later? (she wants to buy a stick shift this time. I’m not gonna tell her it’s a bad idea, bc she’ll prob sell it to me for cheap after she gives up learning to drive). Now iris and I are trying to apply gentle pressure on her to get her life together, and by that I mean I lashed out pretty strongly over text and now iris is gonna come by and comfort rose while also subtly agreeing with me.

I just barely passed my classes and kept my scholarship with a 3.008 gpa. tell me that ain’t god’s work. I failed calculus with a whole F again, but I’m gonna really give it a better shot next semester. I *will* at least get a C. 

My comp 2 professor nominated me for the stylus award. I don’t think I’ll win because personally I think my essay was a rushed mess, but it’s nice to know that he thought it was that good. I picked up my portfolio from him, but haven’t reread it yet. Also, I stopped browing r/braincels like I used to. Even after the semester ended, I would still read every post for a long time, but I finally stopped when I felt like my mental health was declining. I mean, I don’t need to keep reading it anyways, the project is over. Sometimes I’ll go back on it and read a few posts, but not often.

This update is just pure procrastination btw. Not only am I procrastinating studying for my two midterms tomorrow, but also because I got back on Tinder last night and got three messages. I’m really an all-or-nothing kinda guy, I don’t like the idea of dating multiple people at once. which apparently isn’t how tinder is supposed to work; some online articles say “it’s best to have 10 conversations going at once” which I hate because it makes people seem so disposable. I swear, straight people treat dating as a business transaction, they’re always trying to shop around and discard what they have for a better thing. Anyways I don’t know how to respond to the messages, especially since I really only want to talk to one person at a time.

So anyways. Last semester ended, the summer semester began. Do you remember the first semester of college, how that one guy at a club meeting was a total creep and followed me (us?) onto the city bus and couldn’t take a hint to leave? Well I’m pretty sure he’s in my comp sci class, and he sits three seats to the left of me and looks over at me like once every 5 minutes. Also, two weeks into the semester, savon figured out I’m in discrete structures and has since then come to sit in on the lectures. And last thursday he loitered around the bookshelves near my seat in the library for an hour. I mean really, is he SO interested in plant diseases that he stared at the spines of the books for a whole hour?? I hate men.

Because of that, I had to study in HPA instead. It brought back memories, from when I thought I wanted to major in social work. Still love that vending machine they have that can make a latte for $1.50, I wish they had more of them on campus. Anyways as I was sitting there, this guy walked past me, then turned around and was like “oh I think you’re in my comp sci class.” He asked what we did in class and tbh it took me a hot minute to remember because my attention span has been shot recently. Dude didn’t even know we have an exam on thursday. He seemed kind of friendly, he’s majoring in computational physics. He asked me what my discord username and I hesitated before telling him bc like 2 hours prior, I said “man, that’s the first time anyone has said they love me in years” (in regards to the professor telling us he loves us).

I’m doing pretty decent in my classes. Definitely gonna get A’s or B’s in them. I’ve become more cordial with my parents too, I visit them once a week/every two weeks-ish. Rose and I had an argument on memorial day. She was basically delegating me to permanent third wheel, because she says she “never gets to act like a couple with peter in front of other people.” Apparently I’m a second-class citizen to “other people” since I’m the one that gets excluded. And it’s even worse considering the fact that rose is pretty much the only person that I talk to these days, like I have no other friends, so the few moments we do hang she wants to ignore me. I told her about this and all of a sudden she started saying “oh well you don’t even care about me anyways” like wow that’s not gaslighting or anything. 

That was about a month ago, and I’ve been in virtually complete isolation since then. I’ve hung out with heather for about two hours total in the last month, and other than that it’s just utter loneliness. Honestly I’m pretty sure my vocal cords are gonna grow weak from disuse; I mean I’ve rarely spoken my entire life and now it’s just getting worse. Severe isolation like this really feels like it’s deteriorating my brain; my memory is getting weaker, I can’t focus, all I think about is how I’m completely ugly and unloveable and nobody wants to be my friend because I’m such a horrible person. 

This lasted for all of gemini season, and at the start of cancer season I just started crying at everything. On sunday before I went to work I started watching she ra on netflix. By the second episode I had already cried twice; once because I thought it was so great that adora had friends who cared about her, once because I felt bad for catra for feeling abandoned. Then I cried at work because this family came in, dumped off their son in a wheelchair with a laptop, and then never came back for him the rest of the night. Then I cried the next morning because I felt lonely. Then I opened r/sad, read the most upvoted story, and cried again at that. I hate cancer season.

My life (financially and academically) is going fine, but the loneliness is what’s still making me feel like shit, which is why I got back on tinder. I mentioned that already, right? yeah, I still don’t know how to respond. There’s this one girl who also looks hapa like me, and by her bio I really want to talk to her but I’m nervous. Last night I was like “lemme smoke a little to relax then I’ll message her” but then after smoking I was like “lemme have some vodka and punch” and then I decided to do a hair mask, followed by a long shower, followed by taking nudes (it was a lot of vodka, man). And by then it was 10pm and I couldn’t respond without looking sleazy. So now, here I am, at 1:17 pm the next day, and I still haven’t responded. Or studied for my midterms tomorrow. I’m gonna die.

[dandelliongirl]

Everything

is hard.

And nothing goes my way.

So I spent last Saturday cleaning up the entire apartment. I took the rest of my guy’s stuff up to the attic and washed some of the remaining clothes he had in the laundry basket. It felt good to get things done and have a clean and cute fall decorated house. I put in new fresh sheets and slept with my plushies.

On Sunday I tried to start MEA but couldn’t even get to the first cutscene without the damn nvidia/directx error. So what I’ve been doing all week is taking naps and chromecasting Sims 4 builds while I lay on the sofa. Sitting up in front of the computer is too much of a struggle. I had to teach my three classes on Sunday evening and that was the most exhausting 3 hours. I came back to drink some tea and lay on the sofa some more while watching mishcacrossing stream ACNL. One of the few things that keep me going.

Monday was overwhelming. I was overwhelmed with the amount of work stuff that I had to deal with, and after all that random stuff I tried to get back to work on my thesis and it just felt so incredibly hard. It felt like the workload was too big and there was no possible way to overcome it. Also, the bunny was being a dick and I had to keep tossing him into his cage for misbehaving. In the end I spent a while on the sofa crying hysterically, after which I got my butt back on my computer chair and worked on my thesis while crying. But hey I did it? In the end I was completely done for and had to nap. Mum picked me up for a run since it was a nice day outside. She also brought in willow branches for the bunny to chew on.

Getting out of bed on Tuesday was hell. I forced myself to do thesis stuff, and then I went to the office to do work stuff. I had ballet in the evening but that was a pile of shit. I couldn’t focus at all and just basically stood around spacing out for 1½ hours. I also didn’t want anything to do with any of the people in the room. At the same time I want to be left alone because everything is exhausting, but yet want to have company over and things to do so time passes by quicker. I also know that I have to force myself into hobbies and out of the house because it would be so easy to go full on depression mode right now. So I guess I’m glad I went, even though I felt miserable afterwards?

On Wednesday I worked on thesis and JLPT stuff, and also managed to finally cook a meal for myself. I made a huge pail of soup because that’s easy to make and lasts for a long time. I also figured out a way to use videostream to chromecast stuff from my PC to the TV so I got Tamako Love Story and Tamako Market up and running. I watched the movie and the first episode of the anime and basically cried. In the evening I started making an apple pie and my friend came over to start Persona 5 and have tea and pie with me.

On Thursday my other friend was supposed to come over so I got up early to work on thesis and JLPT and do other stuff. I say got up early but I really haven’t had the alarm on a whole lot. I just don’t seem to care, and I’d quite like to sleep until next July preferrably so if that’s what ends up happening then good. Time passes by faster and less painfully when asleep. Anyway turns out my friend overslept so she couldn’t come over anyway. I had some lunch and went to a meeting where once again I probably came off as the meanest person in the world but whatever. Mum took me for a run in the evening, and we had some dinner togehter. Then we went to walk around town to look at the city lights for an event. It was beautiful but also exhausting.

On Friday I actually had my alarm on to go take mum to work. I took the car because she was supposed to go to an office out of town. I went over to my friend’s place to do JLPT stuff and then my other friend came over for some venting and ACNL island tours. Turns out mum didn’t get to go on the work trip after all but she let me go to ballet by car anyway. We did some barre work and some pointe stuff, and in the end we begun work on our Christmas number. We’re probably doing an armenian dance. Seems like fun so far, or as much fun as anything is for me right now. Once again, 2 hours of spacing out and feeling like shit in ballet class. After ballet I came back to my apt and mum came over to have dinner with me and go see some more lights. We went to see floaty lanterns and the reveal of a public art piece. It was freezing cold but beautiful.

Today I had to wake up early again to go buy groceries with mum. I also went home with her to go take some apples. Our neighborhood has a bunch of apple baskets at the side of the road again so that people can take apples, and it’s free food for both me and the bunny so I’m all up in those baskets. I came back and cleaned up the house a bit. I was supposed to go look at evening gowns with my friend but she said she got a fever and couldn’t come. I watched some more Tamako Market, and somehow managed to get two hours of MEA in. I ran the game in windowed mode and in compatibility mode for windows 8 with my GPU underclocked to a potato. It was a lot of fun, I loved the game so far. To bad I had to quit and leave for dance rehearsals for a music video. After I came back and restarted my computer I couldn’t play for more than 2-5 minutes before the crash. It’s exhausting getting my hopes up like this only to have them crushed again. I’ll probably try to continue the game tomorrow but we’ll have to see how it goes. I just want to play the game gosh darn it. Everything is hard and exhausting.

I’ve had dreams of my guy. I also keep waking up at night thinking he’s next to me and that I’ve taken up all the space in the bed only to realize he’s not even on the same continent. I also have these fleeting moments of thinking that he’s going to be home when I come back or that he could come pick me up before I remember that I won’t see him for a year. Sucks so bad. In the first dream I had he was sleeping next to me but I knew it was a dream. I distinctly remember thinking that at least I still had my dreams where I could have him next to me. How sad. In the next dream I was talking to him (which I haven’t been able to do for a week since he still doesn’t have an internet connection) and he kept telling me about basically all the things he had already screwed up like getting the date wrong for his accomodation and having to sleep in a van on the university parking lot for a couple of nights and such stuff. It felt totally real because he is absolutely the kind of person who would get his dates mixed up like that. 

My stomach has been aching all week. I normally get this after I’ve had a show or an exam or something like that, and the stress releases in the evening by manifesting in a horrible stomach ache that makes me double over in pain. So that’s what it’s been for a week now - crying and stomach pain. And anger. So much anger. I feel like I want to kill my guy for making me go through all this. I resent him so much. Super creepy and abusive, I know. But I can’t help it. I’m also incredbly irritable and have no patience for anything. The sofa is my best friend. Mischacrossing is streaming BOTW so I’m just going to plop down on the sofa and struggle.

I quit allergy meds and I’m feeling the bunny’s hay big time. I decided I would keep him if my allergies don’t get too bad since I have to learn to be more patient - especially if I ever want to be a mum. But obviously if I keep sneezing like this I can’t keep him.

So probably sleeping in late and trying out MEA again tomorrow. Going to work in the evening but luckily only teaching two classes. Then coming back for a mischastream again. YouTube and chromecast are what keep me going. I was so happy to see Collette return to YT last night, it feels like getting a mum back. At least I have her videos to look forward to.

Going to watch the BOTW stream now. Suffering big time.