#but i'm still aware i'm not fully in control and i have an addictive personality

[kris-mage-fics]

So there are some things that have been bothering me about Andromeda Six. For a quite a while I told myself I was overreacting, but the more I think about it the more convinced I'm not.

A lot of those things others have brought up before, and I think they have done a really good job of articulating those issues, so I'm not going to touch on them. (Like how heteronormative the game is.)

What I want to talk about is Bash's story line. Now I'm aware he used to have a drug addiction plot, I wasn't around when that was still a thing. From what I've gathered it took quite a while for that to be changed. While his new story line isn't racist, which is an improvement, I have a lot of issues with it. (My thoughts are under the cut since it's significant spoilers for Episodes 6 and 7.) This will be long! Also, I'm going to be mentioning ableism and chronic pain.

As we know, Bash took the events at the end of Episode 5 pretty hard. He decides that the way he can protect the people he cares about is to get more bionics. Sure, it may not be the best idea to make that choice in such an emotional state, but otherwise there is nothing wrong with it.

Now the game forces the Traveler to be fully against this idea. No option to say "hey, maybe revisit this idea when you aren't so upset to make sure it's what you really want to do." Which would be a totally reasonable response. The reasons we are given for the Traveler to be against it is because A) he can't physically feel anything and B) it will take away who he is and his humanity.

The idea that you can't feel anything with the bionics is fucking wild to me. Like you have such advanced medical tech, yet can't integrate the bionics into the existing nervous system?! How does the bionic work if it's isn't at least partly integrated? How do you know the right amount of pressure to use when lifting a glass verses using bolt cutters? It makes no fucking sense to me that you can't feel anything!

But the big issue here is the idea that it will take away part of who Bash is as a person and his humanity. Which is such a bullshit take! Yes I know other sci-fi and cyberpunk stories have this too, I always think it's terrible. (Originally in cyberpunk the issue with cybernetics wasn't 'loosing your humanity', it was 'having things that are owned by corporations implanted in us is a terrible idea'. In other words, it's a critique of unrestrained capitalism. By showing how allowing companies access to our physical bodies and control over medical issues gives them an absurd amount of power and will result in a lot of cruelty and inequality. Which is actually a really good take and something we should be wary of!)

Who we are as people can't be taken away because a limb is taken away or a cybernetic implant is added. This is an incredibly ableist idea. Are amputees less human or less themselves because of being an amputee? Fuck no! Are people who use prosthetics less themselves or less human? Again, fuck no! Yes, it takes time to adapt to changes in your body, but that doesn't make you less human or completely change who you are as a person. (Maybe comparing cybernetics/bionics to prosthetics isn't fair, but it's the closest we have. And in Bash's case, his bionics were essentially prosthetics at first.)

I don't use prosthetics and I'm not an amputee. I don't use mobility aids even though there are times I really should (now is not the time to go into why). But I have quite a few invisible physical disabilities, and live with a lot of pain 24/7. If I had the chance to exchange my body for a cybernetic one and didn't have to deal with the pain and other shit my body puts me through, I would in a heartbeat! Sure it would take a while to get used to the difference. But I wouldn't stop being human, or lose myself. Actually, I'd be happier because I wouldn't be in a lot of pain every second of my life! (This doesn't mean my current life isn't worth living. Just that it's hard and I'd be happier if it were easier.)

So in conclusion, this is an ableist story line and, in my opinion, part of it doesn't even make sense. The fact that the Traveler is forced to think this way drives me nuts! Also, did anyone else think it was kinda messed up that the Traveler talks to KY-L3 about it and he agrees with their take and agrees to talk to Bash? I feel like that oversteps some boundaries. Edit: I also found this excellent post by Cyrus the Cyborg about how frustrating it is for xem as an amputee to see this trope in cyberpunk and sci fi media.

#I really like Bash and to see him put through this bs story line annoys me so much! #this game has a lot of potential #I like most of the characters and it seems there is interesting worldbuilding but we don't really get to see much in the game #yes I'm main tagging this because I want people to see this #I think this is something that should be talked about #andromeda six #andromeda 6 #a6 #wow did I go off or what? #also a lot of parentheses were used #could this use another editing/proofreading pass? probably but I'm tired of looking at it so apologies if this is a mess

[lurkingteapot]

Only Friends เพื่อนต้องห้าม Ep 4

Nearly two weeks late and I'm finally, finally getting around to catching up with my favourite mess.

Live watch notes!

Oh wow, we're starting out right away on the heavy stuff, huh

oh god Khaotung's acting, He's so good.

there's that word again, "burden"

thank fuck Mew cottoned on to this being a goodbye

I somehow fully expected Ray to just drop the phone into the tub

he's sitting in the EMPTY tub??? was this just for mess prevention? oh Ray, oh baby.

No, love, no, your mum did not die because of you.

HELL YEAH CHEUAM'S A LESBIAN (sorry, I'm just so excited to hear a girl actually SAY it) (but also Ray being a hit with the wlw tracks)

ooh wait wait, these shirts-- is this the make-out night?

also Ray I get you probably don't mean it like that, but you're sorta … guilt-tripping Mew here.

love the way this kinda tells us audience members a) the backstory of Ray taking that call b) that Mew's rejected Ray before c) that Ray was so desperately seeking connection that he came off weirdly manipulative about it

GOD Khaotungggg

this is shot very prettily but also what the fuck, Boston, is EVERYTHING blackmail material to you

adfsadfa LOVE Mew calling Ray out on the shirt

sleepover!!

"not your type" huh. HUH.

Ray really is hung up on him, huh.

Proud of Mew for setting that boundary.

Sand is not buying it.

Oh Sand, oh Sand.

Ooop put your foot in it

Nick, what are you lying to Sand about that?

oof "he's not normal, his reputation is bad"

oh man the employees all wai'ing the boss's son … urgh god I hate rich people, sorry Top I'm sure you're not actually that bad but URGH (also yes I'm aware of the double standard I've got going here, the way just-as-rich-kid Ray is my little meow meow)

wait, is this the photo booth where Top and Boston made out?

is this just a common architecture feature in spensive hotels, or is this the same hotel they shot Chaan's apartment in LoA with?

ooooh that plane is Boston's, isn't it

Ray and Sand may be doomed by the narrative but I love every second I get out of them anyway.

I love Sand so muchhhh

First is really good at that searching eye contact thing

ถ้ามึงอยากเป็นเพื่อนกับกูอยู่นะ คิดถึงความรู้สึกกูบ้าง BOUNDARIES we love to see them

the way they put the asshole angle on Boston here, I love it

oooh you made Boston mad just now

hookups so you can sleep, hookups to let off steam

oh man, Nick, oh man, this is not okay behaviour and you KNOW it

"I can't" -> the way it's put in Thai is กูไม่สดวก which is basically 都合が悪い but feels like 困る. Gotta ask teacher about that one.

is this why physical pictures are all you deal with, or are you just … talking out your ass because you know Nick is dtf either way for a bit yet

Mark Pakin, the actor you are

this is not news but I'd like to reiterate that I love how we have Rich Boys and Poor Boys are a theme here

asdfadfasdf "stay away from Boston" Nick, Top's been TRYING

but oh man Top is an arrogant ass. like. scary slick.

Ohhhh wow Nick, wow, wow wow. at least you're self-aware? ish?

Oh fuck of course he ran over Sand

Go go go Sand

oooof there's history here, I see. I still think it's about someone Sand liked before.

I really hope Sand's bike is fine

Nickkkkk how about you don't lie to Sand? but urgh you're also getting him in trouble which. ooof I can see this making things really complicated for him and Ray going forward.

Sand is like "oh bruv NO"

CALLED IT

Mew is so unimpressed. I'm impressed with Ray for owning up to it though, and for apologising – it's so easy to fall into the "I'm an awful person and they'll hate me anyway" spiral.

okay so at least Sand and Ray can bond over hating Top

Mew, please get mad about Top being a controlling ass like that

You've got nothing to hide, right, Top? Right?

sooo was that Not Mew in the car with Ray, then? Photoshop?

oh we're going here, huh

oh wait, was that him again just now?

that's a really good line to draw, Mew, and also you've got an excellent point about addiction here

oh man oh man oh man I'm really liking Mew more and more this ep and Top is doing nothing to endear himself to me.

oh man, someone's gonna drink that water and it's going to be a Situation™

Top, you asshole, if you could not question every single one boundary Mew sets, that'd be ace

so the thing is. Top. Why would you think Mew would believe that? you talk big.

!! this is a song from the playlist!!

fuck, Sand is so gone on him alreadyyyy, I really thought he had more distance than that, but nope nope nope

I continue to be so impressed with this show. The preview is nerve wracking, but I'm going to be strong and only watch that when I've got another 5k or so of work words done. One more ep, and then I'll have a day to wade into the tag! EXCITED.

#only friends #only friends the series #เพื่อนต้องห้าม #พตห #only friends ep 4 #bl watch liveblog #bl watch live blog #my nonsense

[angelbabyblog777]

Conscious Awareness

Being consciously aware is a game changer. It also reminds me of when people say "once you wake up, there's no going back." It can be a painful experience to become aware of the spells and curses people speak over themselves. It can be painful to want to be better while some people around you don't want to put the work in to change and improve their lives.

If you are consciously aware, you know that the words you speak are like a veil you put over your life. Our subconscious mind basically rules over our lives and our actions and it is always listening!

Our subconscious mind is formed from when we are a baby up until 7 or 8 years old. It is the core beliefs and perceptions that act as a foundation for the rest of your life. That's why it can be somewhat of a problem for kids who weren't necessarily loved correctly, or worse, abused or ignored..

There are ways to tap into your subconscious mind.. for example, my favorite practice right now is to brush your teeth with your less dominant hand. Brushing your teeth is something that comes as a second nature, we've been doing it since we were little. When you use your less dominant hand, you are fully present, learning the mechanics of this act. After you've finished brushing, you look into the mirror, look into your eyes and say "I love you" 10 times.

We don't have any control over how we're brought up as children. But if you want your life to change for the better, if you want to break generational patterns, break patterns of addiction, of abuse, of narcissism, you need to practice tapping into your subconscious and directing it the way you wish.

The tooth brushing method can be used with any affirmations, not just "I love you." After doing a google search, it says that "it takes 3 to 4 WEEKS to reprogram your subconscious mind!!!" That's insane. It's definitely something I want and need to practice more. As a little girl, I was nervous. I would pick hairs out of my eyebrows and profusely sweat at any given time. I would bite my nails too. These behaviors have seeped into my adulthood and I still get somewhat flustered while talking to people, although I have worked hard to change this. It takes a lot of being uncomfortable and purposely doing hard things to get further in your personal development.

Since our subconscious mind controls about 90% to 95% of our day, changing it can, like I said, be a game changer. When you no longer have that negative, irritable, bitchy voice in the back of your mind beating you up about literally being a human being and living and experiencing your life, you're really free to do what you want to do. I've always wanted to be someone who is able to be CONFIDENT without even a hint of social anxiety. I think that's why I've been on social media for so long, because you feel like you're able to be your real self, even if it's actually a fake, curated, mistake-less version of that.

So far on my journey, I've become more aware of my thoughts and each and every time they're negative, I change that or "challenge them." This alone has helped me a lot because I'm no longer a "prisoner" of my mind. It no longer has that power over me.

At the end of the day, your subconscious is important if you want to change. If you want to release bad/old habits, if you want to become a "new person" with a fresh approach, you need to look deeper into your mind. What do you want to do with this life? What do you want to accomplish? What feels good to do, on a soul level? Are you going to keep letting the past hold you back? It's PASSED. Live in the here and now, it's where life is happening for us. It's where our kids are growing and learning from us. It's where you can set the foundation to reach your wildest dreams.

It takes becoming consciously aware of ourselves to ask, "Why do I do that? Why do I feel this way?" Listen to your feelings!! They are trying to tell you something! When you ignore your feelings, your body still takes note of them! It's so easy to mindlessly go through life, being told what to do and how to act. It takes courage to go against the grain, to change for the better. Do it for the sake of yourself and the future!! You are not alone!

Love, Kaylee Duquette.

#lifestyle #personal blog #mindfulness #selfcare #blog #change #mindfulliving #self realization #acceptance #blogger #realization #subconscious #mindset #mind corruption #life #memory #being #understanding #purpose #awareness #conscious awareness #self awareness #spiritual awakening #the great awakening #trainyourmind #reprogramyourmind #reprogramming #take action #take accountability #be happy

[white-rose10]

Okay, my life has been an absolute dumpster fire as of late, so forgive my lack of posting. I'm not sure how many days I have missed, but I'll just do about a week's worth.

Day 8: I don't really have a workout routine. I've never found working out to be interesting, and I feel like I could be far more productive while still getting satisfying results.

Day 9: I've been somewhat of a social recluse for the majority of my life, so there haven't really even been many chances for that type of encounter. However, while nobody has explicitly called me fat, they did comment on my eating. Most of it I couldn't control, because I had medical situations that required my eating more. However, that didn't stop the plate-police from frequently commenting on my habits. This obviously affected me in a major way, and, safe to say those comments have completely vanished.

Day 10: I'm not sure if this is referring to only food and drinks, but I suppose the hardest thing to give up were the snacks after dinner. It was commonplace where I grew up to have snacks before bed. I didn't question it ever, and continued that tradition. It wasn't necessarily hard to give up. I've had too many issues due to the types of foods I ate not agreeing with me, and causing major problems, so I just lost interest in food altogether. It wasn't very difficult to quit my habits.

Day 11: I don't really have a favorite blog. I like certain people's personalities more than others, but I don't really have a favorite blog. I suppose a goof substitute question would be: "What's your favorite Thin$p0?" My favorite kind of Thin$p0 is Sweet$p0. Since my 4n0r3x14 primarily stems from feelings of inadequacy, and wishing to be perfect for my future partner, any sort of demanding sweet$p0 with "Darling," "Sweetheart," or any other pet names is especially triggering, and is my largest motivator.

Day 12: What I eat really depends on outside circumstances, but if I am fully in control, I don't eat meat very often. I've just lost all taste for it. I typically fast all day and have a safe food for dinner. My safe foods are granola, honey and blueberries in coconut milk, and vanilla yogurt (I have a very peculiar addiction/obsession over vanilla as a scent) mixed with granola, fruit, and honey. So, they're basically the same food, but with different bases (milk vs. yogurt).

Day 13: Oh, definitely unhealthy. I am fully aware of it. Frankly, I don't care how unhealthy it is. I'm purposefully trying not to parade that fact around, and be calm and subservient. I just want to quietly perfect myself, and not be questioned. Plus, I wouldn't want that to be a burden on other people.

Day 14: My UGW is not really set in stone. It's generally been 110 lbs, but I've been roughly comfortable with myself at ~115, so I suppose it's more about consistency than more weight loss at this point. I don't try to predict how much weight I lose, as I don't want to be disappointed. I'm not extremely strict when it comes to d13t1ng plans, and more about how it feels everyday. I don't like the feeling of a full stomach, and crave the light, airy, faint feeling that comes with st4rv4t10n. It's less about planning, and more about how I personally feel about my results.

All right, that should hopefully cover what I missed. I hope to be consistent again, but sometimes my life is just too chaotic, and I never get the chance to breathe.

#ed disorder #i wanna be perfect #i wanna be loved #maybe i'm a masochist #for him #ed not ed sheeran #i wanna be weightless #ana trigger #ed not sheeren #tw ana diary #disordered eating thoughts #ed bllog #4norexia #4n0r3xia #4n4rexia #4norexi4 #eating disoder trigger warning #tw disordered eating #ed relapse

[almightyrozenidiot]

Oooh I'm curious to hear your take on Takuto and Azathoth for the relationship ask game ^^

KLDSGBSJLDGfhdjsfdbg (that's the sound of Azathoth doing something with his tentacles to wiggle my brain)

describe their canon relationship/dynamic

The best way I'd describe it tbh is similar to Kandori and Nyarlathotep from the earlier Persona games where the Persona has a slight personality independent of the Persona user but is still aligned with their goals. Azathoth feeds into Maruki's worst parts and gives him a euphoric bliss that makes him lose sight of his kind of tenuous ethics and what exactly he was trying to accomplish with his research to begin with.

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?

Admittedly their relationship fucking terrifies me so my brain copes by imagining really dumb shit with them that's akin to a (sometimes dark comedy) sitcom. Things that I will explain below.

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?

Despite being scared shitless I actually like the horror of not knowing where their individual thoughts end and begin.

...come to think of it, it reminds me of a more benelovent version of The Hiss from Control but instead of The Hiss mindlessly propagating itself and people lose themselves from being assimilated into a hive mind collective, they both want to spread happiness with the very likely unintended side effect of being utilitarian about it. The fact that it has happiness and benevolence in mind is what adds to the horror of it.

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?

I think Azathoth is still trying to save Maruki in their own way, it's just they're an eldritch entity that doesn't fully understand humanity and has powers that can only really result in bad things happening. Which is parallel to Maruki's forays into cognitive psience but he still has his humanity and the conscience - no matter how deep down it's buried - to realise what he's doing is wrong.

Honestly I have no clue what's going on in Maruki's head because, again, kind of hard to tell where their thoughts begin and end. I think he is aware to some capacity (especially after getting punched in the face and willingly letting himself fall to his doom) that this is an extremely toxic relationship, but he's addicted to the happiness Azathoth can bring and can't resist (also hence the whole "stop resisting" stuff he eventually starts spouting). Even before he put his ideal reality into action, he saw Azathoth as an extension of himself as a normal Persona user would, but until he lost it he wasn't aware that Azathoth was a part of the process of his powers.

Also on a side note: Does that mean that he used his powers on Joker to boost the effects of the benefits we get from his confidant? Answers on a postcard please.

favorite interaction they have in canon

The flashback scene where Mementos fuses with reality and Azathoth appears in that random guy's office, pushing Maruki far past his limits after everything that's happened to him. I would probably just accept the madness too if that happened to me tbh.

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in

Ok sitcom time! I just like the idea that in front of the Phantom Thieves, Maruki acts like he has his shit together but when no one's looking he is still clumsy as heck and Azathoth is either an extra set of limbs, helping him hide or just picking him up off the floor at any given moment.

One of these days I want to draw Azzy lending a tentacle to hook Maruki up by the collar of his coat like a mother cat lifting a kitten off the ground after he's tripped over. (Though if anyone wants to draw it themselves please feel free to)

#p5r spoilers #persona 5 royal spoilers #not adding any more tags because I do not want 💿🐎 #sorry for writing about Remedy Entertainment's Control yet again

[augment-techs]

I think I will take advantage of the ask box now :) I'm curious as to your thought/head cannon for Lord Drakkon. I like to get other perspectives on his behavior and motivations.

Why do you think Drakkon was the only one to return to Rita? And when/how did he decide to do away with her and run the show himself?

Based on your story 'All Our Injuries Rhyme', what are Drakkon's goals and motivations? When he had Jason in the dungeon before the Lone Tower Apartments, you wrote he used to sneak in Jason's cell at night like a disease and grab the hair at the back of his head. Was that just to visit him to torture or interrogate? Was he displaying any sexual attraction/lust at that time?

Having the contract with Jason, does that lead to him not raging at Jason and physically harming him when he has 'difficulties'? What exactly does he want from Jason? Just orgasms and relinquishing control? Does he want Jason to be afraid, fearful, angry, or does he expect him to remain in control, confident, or develop/show affection like a relationship?

In regards to his difficulties, like you mentioned with his tastes and food and potentially rotting on the inside, is that what is causing him to lose it? Or is he having any emotional reaction to what he is doing?

Has he always felt this way towards Jason in regards to getting him in bed? Or was keeping him alive purely for tactics and strategies like he claimed? Just a trophy? Or did he expect more from their interactions before he made Jason a house pet?

Does he always want Jason to be in control and 'do to him' all activities? Does he want to do anything specifically to Jason?

Loved the AO3 update by the way! I will get on and give it a proper review but definitely made my day!

Depending entirely on the continuity, Drakkon himself returned to Rita because, while he was on the streets and hiding from his problems and the aftermath of what he did while under mind control, he realized that he was not comfortable in his own skin and also was unfortunate enough to see some of the worst aspects of humanity. Rita offered up at least something like safety when she found him, and when she told him about her old ally General Drakkon, the Tommy Oliver that was found something to cling to that would put him in her good graces and also slowly separate him from the humanity that he was beginning to detest (fear). He did away with her eventually because--by that point--he was fully aware that he had learned everything from her that he could use for his own and did not like the idea of being in the service of someone who had a habit of doing away with anyone that disagreed with her and also was willing to submit instantly to her father. Basically his Mommy Issues clashed with her Daddy Issues. That old chestnut about hidden kindness and sociopaths that is incredibly dated, but rings a lot of bells whenever I reread the comics. Also his impulse control and addiction compulsion were starting to show enough that Rita was questioning him a little bit. Motivations for that are tricky to explain since I'm still getting to the meat of things and don't want to give everything away, but the long and short of it is that Drakkon just...does not know what he wants, except something that can make him happy. He is an individual shaped by many hands, by trauma, by abandonment, by confusion, by magic, and by Grid energy. He was inducted into matters beyond his ken when he was 15-16 and therefore still forming a personality beyond "survival" and "getting used to every new place he had to move for his mom's job" and that's left him with parts missing. He knows what 'want' is, at the very least, and feels that verily when in contact with either Jason or Kimberly. That has special significance that I'll get into down the line, but the very simple answer to the dungeon thing is... He was being creepy. He can't perform under pressure, but he can be gross and he can use his mouth. Also he likes using words to set Jason off so he can hear the man's voice. If he happened to use his hands here and there, well, it's not like Jason could do much but flinch back. He will not physically injure Jason. With his own hands, he will not bruise, batter, bend, or break the Red Ranger. He will, however, get loud and verbally malicious if things go south from what he may or may not have intended from one day to the next. This is a big part of why he has his Slayer and his Sentries on hand if it is required for someone to clean up a mess that he made or...other things. What he expects from Jason is something along the lines of what Green wants from Red, which is to be their opposite and show them how to be outside of themselves; but that gets swerved and squiggled a bit because of White being attached to the signals. He will not admit it, but they are something of equals, and he is instinctively drawn to that--as opposed to, say, Kim, who his instincts say is BETTER than him, or Skull who sets Green on edge. Adam is Black but also Something Else that makes White send little nudges his way, and Drakkon recognizes these traits and keeps them in orbit to keep an eye on them, and also keep Jason...content. Because he doesn't want him to hate him, not really, and he knows he can't be happy, but he can be content.

Oh, he is absolutely an emotional wreck, and a big part of that is because of his physical deterioration doing things to him that he can't control and doesn't realize is made worse by a genetic predisposition he doesn't know about. Think of it like when a person gets turned into a vampire and a lot of the tropes that come along with it; light usually hurts them, things smell MORE, taste diminishes until only a very specific thing carries into something like nourishment and there are parts of the brain being rewired. Part of this is because of the Chaos Energy of the Dragon coin, some of it is from the White Light being corrupted, and part of this is his own body. His emotions are there, but they are either too much or too little, depending on the day. Okay, I'm going to let something out a little early that I have perfectly outlined in my head but might not make it in: Jason sat in front of Tommy in four different classes in high school. Jason was the leader of the rangers and in the front of the pack at all times. Jason beat him in that martial arts tournament. And Drakkon REMEMBERS THAT. The impression he was left with was very confusing and I cannot put it more succinctly than Olivia Gatwood, "You know that feeling when you don't know if you wanna be someone, or if you wanna fuck them?" He wants to do everything to Jason. In the beginning with Kimberly, he wanted to at least test the waters of his control on somebody that couldn't say no--which, fun to realize in the act, he cannot do if he thinks that person is better than him. But he just thought it meant he wasn't a good fit with women (regardless if he found them attractive). So he switched tactics when Jason got moved to the tower; thought things would get better if he had permission with only most of the power. Which works until he tries to be the one penetrating as the dominant in any way. Servicing Jason, being submissive to him, is delicious and something he never thought he could enjoy; he's just really pissed that something inside of him won't let him do more.

@ajgrey9647

#boom! comics power rangers #reference #world of the coinless AU #all our injuries rhyme #mmpr #lord drakkon #jason lee scott #ranger slayer kimberly hart #ask fill #prompt fill #glad to hear you're looking to read the AO3 one; it's much longer because tumblr WILL NOT LET ME make big ones for asks #have fun with it~

[coffee-bat]

i went on a shopping spree today, and honestly for once, i don't regret a thing

#i usually get a lot of regrets and feel awful about myself after buying anything #i'm sadly a bit of a compulsive/dopamine shopper #both bc of bpd (compulsive shopping) and autism (collecting things) #so i tend to buy stuff i don't really. entirely need #mostly cosmetics and scented products #cause it always makes me really happy #but i definately don't need so much and i'm aware it's a bit of a problem #i mean. i don't ACTUALLY spend much #and i don't actually do it that often (don't buy anything more often than like once every two weeks) #so it's not like i'm spending a fortune #but i'm still aware i'm not fully in control and i have an addictive personality #but y'know. today i bought new soap (got bored of the scent i was using). and skincare from sephora (from the ordinary) #didn't spend much at all since it was all drugstore stuff #and i kinda needed it as a bit of a 'spring cleaning' (i tend to try to tidy myself up a bit for spring. it's good for my mental health) #so y'know. today i'm okay with having bought stuff #having no regrets for once is kind of a big thing for me 😔✌️ #ramble #personal #not sure if this needs any tws if it does please let me know

[andthelightswavegoodbye]

A Certain Someone and Manipulation

Edit as of May 3rd: I'm afraid the linked post is no longer available as the account has since been deleted or deactivated. I'm not sure when This happened but apologies in advance!

As I’m sure many in the NIN blog community have heard by now, A fairly popular fanartist (MMY) has been called out for publicly posting N*crophilia, and months prior, P*dophillia. This in turn caused a suicide bait of said person, and things got out of control from there. I encourage everyone in this community to check out the post created by @playthegoddamnedpart for further info on what happened, as well as multiple responses regarding the suicide bait (Mine Included) (Link to full thread here). 

Firstly, I like to make an apology statement. Rather than focusing on the problem - someone creating gore p*rn and posting it on a public platform where children can see - I focused on the suicide bait issue. Although I still don’t agree with those methods used, I was subsequently ignoring the issues at hand, and in a sense defending what MMY did. This was never my intention, but it still does not excuse me for what I did. I won’t go into full detail here, as my official response is in the aforementioned link, however I do think there’s still something important I need to warn others about. 

Long story short, it has been brought to my attention that MMY, whether they are aware of it or not, has slight manipulative tendencies, and I might have fallen into said trap. In case MMY pops up again (Highly likely), I want to share about how we grew to talk, and the possible manipulation so people can be further aware. I also acknowledge that my initial response to the situation is still fully my blame to take. 

Slight trigger warning for brief descriptions of what their art entails, as well as self-deprecation further ahead.

In terms of art, gore never usually bothered me. When I first stumbled upon Manmade Yellows (MMY) page some time ago, there was gore, but nothing overtly terrible from what I first saw. Sure, there was death (Examples being Trent choking another version of himself, or Trents head detached from it’s body), But I did not pay it much heed as I should have at the time. Part of this is due to my own desensitization, I will admit. They also depicted Trent in sexual situations (Example being in womens underwear). I liked the art well enough and followed them on Instagram. 

Very early on, I noticed on their instagram stories that they would become very self-loathing in terms of their art and self-worth. there was a lot of “I’m a terrible person, when my parents find out who I really am they’ll hate me”, “My art is terrible, I can’t even do lineart”, “I’m not even a real artist, I only draw porn”, “I’m a piece of shit who only spends their time addicted to porn and gore” “All I do is sit in my room” talk. The first time I saw this, it was extremely concerning and I found myself DMing them about how they were feeling. We talked a bit about, and I tried to be supportive, and then we’d move on. These self-deprecating stories were very common. I found myself saying “No, you’re a real artist. You make art, that’s the only qualifying factor in being an artist”, and they would reply with “It doesn’t have meaning, so it’s not real art”. I in turn would defend them.

I think that’s where the possible manipulation started. I don’t know if they were aware of them doing this, and they did accept compliments easier in time, but I still somehow ended up often trying to make them feel better, put them on a pedestal, because of the constant self-hatred. This led me to get a bit attached to them in a sense, as I too struggle with depression. But at the same time, I should not have continued getting involved. And it should have been obvious that they were posting about the hardships so much to the point it was probably unhealthy for the people reading it.

Along with the depression story posts, they would occasionally talk about instagram censorship, and art censorship in general. Things like how “social media is forcing art to be censored”, “I don’t have anywhere to post my art cause it always gets taken down” “Art shouldn’t be censored, it’s not fair to self expression” “This will just get taken down...”, etc. And to a degree, I agreed. They once gave an example of how renaissance-esque paintings got taken down for nudity on instagram, so “Yea I suppose what they’re saying makes sense”. But I was ignoring two key factors: This is Instagram, a place where kids are allowed to sign up on. And they weren’t posting “Just nudity”. If I’m honest, I’m probably too quick to agree on things. I shouldn’t have immediately folded on the subject. 

 This slowly turned into me outright supporting the gore and porn. I’d say “You draw dark stuff so inexplicably, it’s inspiring”. And to be honest, I still liked their art. I would be a liar if I said technically speaking, their art was bad. And I like dark art too. Some of it I DID truly enjoy, especially cause it depicted Trent, a celebrity that I really like. But I remember one specific set of posts where they depicted Trent getting his limbs chopped off, and just being “used”. And even I knew that was too far. But I think I’d grown so used to them posting gore or sexual stuff so often, and connected with them enough emotionally, that I let it slide and even liked those posts. On their insta story, they’d even post gore videos with the text “Mmmm so hot” or something. But they’d put silly emojis and a comedic tone so “theyre not actually turned on by gore, I’m sure”. That was a blatant red flag. I should have unfollowed then.

When the eventual eruption of what they’d posted happened, doubled with the suicide baiting, I immediately went to shame the baiter, yet didn’t say anything on MMY. I even DMed MMY asking if they were okay. I asked them upfront if they were legitimately a necrophile, and they said no. I took that as truth, and though we still don’t know the actual reality, considering they drew necro porn, I should not have trusted them so easily. They said they realize that maybe they have an issue and wanted to slow down on the gore drawings. I genuinely thought that to be true. They even had an instagram story saying “I realize what I did was wrong, and I won’t be doing this anymore” but looking back, even that was slightly self-deprecating. Afterwards, I noticed that they posted on their story less about wanting to fix things and focused more onto attacking everyone else. it was no longer “I shouldn’t have done that” and it turned into “I don’t care. You guys are just so caught up in your censorship” “I’m just terrible, but whatever”. That’s when I started to really doubt the side I was on. It wasn’t until the tumblr post that I previously mentioned called MMY out, as well as an Instagram comment I left on a post (Talking about the suicide baiting), That I fully realized what I was doing. I once again apologize. I ignored many redflags,  and chose to pretend it wasn’t happening. Because I liked some of their art, I didn’t want to admit that some of it was morally wrong, because that would mean I too was doing something wrong. I fully admit that now. I have since blocked MMY on instagram. 

I still don’t know if this counts as manipulation. In the sense that they constantly shifted the blame from themselves to others, and often made themselves the victim, I would say yes. I think it’s plausible this happened to other followers of MMY, even from just reading their story reels. To anyone reading this, if you encounter MMY in the future, don’t pay their self loathing and insisting of “censorship being bad” any attention. Whether they mean to or not, they are always putting themselves in need “saving”, and always discounting others valid opinion for their own gain. I was gullible, and I don’t want anyone else to do what I did in the future.

#not fully nine inch nails related #but important for the nin fandom

[ichor-and-symbiosis]

I know you don't necessarily write for Dabi. But, i wanted to ask you about this. We all know that Dabi is probably a sex addict at this point. However, do you think that (considering Dabi could be Touya Todoroki) he still would consider consent to be a big part of sex. I'm well aware that he isn't in the best mental state, so, I wouldn't know if he just pounces on someone or if he wants to have reassurance that he isn't going to hurt them like Endeavor did to Rei.

I don’t really know Dabi’s character well enough to have a concrete answer to this because he behaves in such a contradictory way and hides his feelings/intentions. But I don’t necessarily think he would be a sex addict. I can see him having casual, no-strings-attached sex with randos he meets at seedy bars. And Dabi can be written however way someone wants, so if we are talking strictly about my interpretation of canon Dabi, then I don’t think he’s a r*pist either? His mental state seems totally fine to me. He just loves a good fight. Most of the time, we’ve seen Dabi calm and collected, which is how I think he would approach sex with anyone. Like it’s not a big deal and the other person can bow out whenever they want because he doesn’t really give a shit. 

But I can’t ultimately say anything about how he’d act when he wants sex. This is all pure fanon speculation and I don’t prefer him written one way or the other. So as far as how I would write Dabi, I would say he’d be easy-going, flirty, and doesn’t rely on his physical strength or threats to coerce a lover into anything. He isn’t violent by nature, he’s just a distant asshole most of the time. If there’s anything to worry about with Dabi, it’s his constant need to keep everyone at arm’s length. And that’s a whole other type of emotional abuse in of itself. I’m sure Dabi would despise being compared to Endeavor but this would be a serious conversation that needs to be had with him if you are in love. 

So yeah. I don’t think he’s a sex addict r*pist with no impulse control, and I don’t think he’s capable of hurting his lover to the extent that Endeavor did to Rei. I would even go so far as to say he’d be considerate towards someone he fully opened up his heart to. I’m not talking like, sugary ooc levels of asking if he can stick the peen inside right before doing so, but he doesn’t strike me as a feral guy. Tomura, though... 

#alison talks #tw: abuse

[flyingfairy]

Since my 20-something era, this song is my theme of love life.

I never loved nobody fully

Always one foot on the ground

And by protecting my heart truly

I got lost in the sounds

Yea..I used to be someone with one feet on the ground.

Never lose control of myself.

Am freakin determinated.

But since I entered marriage world.

I drown into the ocean without anything on the ground.

I feel like I'm flying free and spread my wings, giving myself to the unlimited horizon.

Sometimes it makes me wondering, where am I right now, am I still safe and sound?

But just like a 'fly' person, I have no consciousness, I'm not aware, I just be able to feel.

And being happy and warm is enough for me.

Oh God, I'm addicted....

[alternatebrainiverse]

Hoping this will explain a little of ram dass' philosophy around spiritualism and psychology.

It has helped me immensely, to not be so identified with my personality that was created from the outcomes of my childhood and past experience.

I have found much relief by identifying more with the witness of it all, instead of getting caught up in the psychology of it. I am that which sees the behaviour. I am not that which reacts and blindly acts out the behaviour.

(This is also what I meant by still having that rock solid self awareness while my mind and body were reacting to the drug interaction. I was not my body's reaction, I was that which saw my body's reaction from within).

Yes childhood and past experiences caused me to learn a pattern of behaviours that creates who I am psychologically today. And that is perfectly fine to acknowledge and address. But ultimately I identify with that who witnesses it all, and who breaks the chain of learned behaviour.

And for whatever reason, simple ridiculous practises of repeating strange words in obscure languages (mantra), keeps my patterns of behaviour on track with greate ease and allowance.

When I start to see my mind get caught in reactivity, I just go back to the practise. I drop everything I think i know, every judgment or idea about it, and just do it. And suddenly I'm no longer identified with the reactivity. Instead I am calmly watching from within.

Here is my dictation of the podcast:

Question:

In dealing with attachments and addictions, I find that at the time when I needed my practise the most I seem to put it behind me. I go for the attachment or addiction, and immediately after, the guilt sets in that I didn't go to my practise to get the strength or guidance that I need to bypass the addiction. And then I feel guilt or sadness that instead of going for the comfort that the practise brings me, I have to deal with the guilt that I bypassed it. How can we get around this?

Answer:

When we were born, we come into the world from being fully at home. We have a little shadow of this feeling again at the end of the day when we come home and can relax and come to home in a safe space, of feeling at peace or at one. And when we get separated from that, (which all occurs within the mind) there is an ignorance that creates the root of all suffering - the clinging of the mind to the things which seperate us from that feeling of being fully at home, at peace or at one.

Once that separation has occurred there is incredible pain, and in some profound way all of our actions henceforth are an attempt to return to coming back into the one. And we develop a whole set of techniques that make us feel good, for that moment of returning to the one. Some of those give us that moment so intensely, and the rest of our life is so devoid of that feeling, that once we find one of those things (sex, surfing, cooking, or whenever you turn into the joy of the process), when that occurs, and it works for you, it reinforces the behaviour and you start to do it more and more. The use of drugs, material possessions, relationships, all is trying to get to the place where you come back into that oneness.

When you look at addictions in that way, you see they are not evil, they are just an attempt to get back. The problem is that most behaviours will allow you to get there but only temporarily. Most addictive things are short term. The minute they end, you end up feeling like you've done something bad, which starts a reaction of the mind. You come down. You feel guilt. Why didn't you do the long term gratification practise rather than the short term gratification. You choose the little candy bar now over the big candy bar later.

When you start to stand back and see your predicament, there is a way from a spiritual perspective in which you begin with that slight bit of awareness to extricate yourself from that chain of reactivity - that whole chain of thoughts that go on.

As you start to develop the spaciousness, you start to develop at where you can intervene in the process or sequence that goes on. As the awareness gets deeper you intervene at different places.

For example, I have had strong addictions to food, so that when I am feeling unloved, i'll eat, and I'll get fat, and then I'll hate myself because of my body and so on.

The first place I began to intervene was when I was told that it's just old karma running off. (So maybe this creates a sense of surrender of control over the situations that feel helpless. Its just the stuff you've got to work through in 'this life', and each moment of you working through it is all perfect timing).

Then I began to break in at the point that after I had eaten too much to reduce my anxiety because my mother fed me food when I was upset and I learned that partern - instead of going into the sequence of 'I'm no good' etc, I break the chain at that point and just go back into my spiritual practises.

As the witness gets stronger you start to go back in the chain further and further, up until the first feeling of separateness begins with the first feeling of hunger. So then as you're about to eat, you start to notice the whole sequence and you can see the emptiness of the form you're about to take.

One develops a lot of patience and a lot of gentleness with oneself.

When I see someone with addiction I'm inclined to say to start doing spiritual practises. Do the studies that will allow you to see yourself in a new way. To understand what that hunger is you're feeding in a new way. To just get a little perspective. Don't worry about the addiction, it will fall away when it will fall away. And when you do it again, just notice it, and say how poignant I am, how poignant the human condition. Be gentle with yourself. The patterns and addictions change without dealing with them head on.

Keep cultivating the practises.

When I start driving to town to give a lecture, and I start to get uptight about what I'm going to talk about..  it's a neurotic pattern with a whole psychodynamic storyline about it. I look at it and think 'there it is'. At that moment I start a mantra and 6mins later I'm in a different space.

You could say it's denial, and I've worked with some of it psychologically, but a lot of it has just become uninteresting. I just flip gears immediately. Because the moment you get lost in identification with your personality to the exclusion of identification with your soul, you've lost it. And if you get caught in your soul in exclusion of your personality you've lost it equally as much, and that's the balance of us as human beings.

But in saying all of this, I still see great benefit in working through past experiences, learned behaviours and personality. It also helps give great perspective, validates the invalidated unsure childhood perspective, gives space to allow and have understanding for past me, and in a way creates a nice comforting blanket for current me to be heard and feel safe with another human who is not dangerous or threatening. Which is nice. Which is needed.

So I am choosing to do this work, I look forward to digging through my memories, and to find, meet, and nurture past versions of myself.

I'm just doing this without so much identification with those versions of myself anymore.

•~•~•

This is what the hanuman chalisa has been for me 🙂

And when it comes to spiritualism or religion, there is no right or wrong, there are only words and ideas that do or don't speak to you. For me a lot of this religious ideology, for someone who has always been vastly unreligious, has been about letting all of that go and just seeing what happens. Surrendering anything I think I know about who I am or how the world works. And just seeing what happens. Mostly, magic happens.. a subtle opening. And at the very least I have learned how these seemingly obscure mundane practises of repeating sounds, actibg with intention, developing the witness, or focusing attention can train the neuropathways and modify our own behaviour as desired. Throw away all ideas about it, do the practices with a little faith that it works, and see the difference.

If you don't, maybe it's just not for you right here and now, or maybe it will never be be you, and that's ok too! Take what serves you, leave what doesn't. For me, it has brought so much peace, and am amazed at how many layers of myself can be peeled back when you just allow.

#Youtube

[maeelizabethg]

3 REASONS WHY I'M NOT YOUR AVERAGE FITNESS FANATIC

"I DON'T USE FITNESS TRACKERS"

Back when I was training to race outside, my Garmin was LIFE and if I didn't cross post my workout to Strava than I felt like it didn't even happen. I was obsessed with how far I had ridden, how many feet of elevation I had climbed and how many hours I had been in the saddle that week. One day I received a pretty nasty message from someone who had gone through and stalked out my race results, my workouts, etc. They used it as a personal attack to make me feel like I was undeserving of any sponsor I had earned and any recognition I had received. Clearly this person didn't follow my blogs on the Specialized website or actually take the time to read my Instagram posts because my entire journey was about starting from nothing, never claiming to be the best, but rather sharing the ups and downs with other people in hopes that they would get out there and try riding, too! Not too far after that incident I pretty much stopped posting my workouts. I went back and forth deciding if I stopped because I wanted to or if I stopped because someone made me feel bad about it. I didn't want to admit that someone actually got to me. Hate happens allllll of the time and most times you can let it go - sometimes you don't. Regardless of whether or not I stopped because of this person, I will say the silver lining is that when I did stop, I finally found balance in my life. The pressure was gone and I was finally working out for myself, not for the likes on Strava or to appease what I thought I "should" be doing. It's now been around a year and a half and I haven't looked back since. 

"I DON'T COUNT CALORIES OR MACROS"

Listen, I am a definite rare bird in this scenario. Most people will not relate to this, but if you do, know that you aren't alone. I fully appreciate that tracking food intake helps A LOT of people and to be totally honest, I WISH it had that effect on me. Unfortunately, every single time I've ever tried using an app to track my food it has the reverse outcome. Instead of eating better I end up only thinking about food, absolutely obsessing over it, and after awhile I lost my mind and binge eat...bad. By the end of it, I will have eaten WAY worse than if I had just went about my day eating what I wanted. After several tries of monitoring my food I had to accept that it just didn't work for me. I would rather be aware of what I'm putting in my body and try and make good choices rather than flipping a switch and completely losing control of myself. Again, most people I tell this to think I'm nuts, but if you're anything like me - I FEEL YOU. I will say, even though I don't use things like MyFitnessPal anymore, I did learn a lot about what I was eating when I was using it. I still think it's a great tool for a lot of people, just not me. 

"I EAT (admittedly) TOO MUCH JUNK FOOD BUT I'M NOT AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT IT"

Look, I grew up eating terribly. The only spinach I ever grew up eating came from a can and was cooked in a pot with loads of butter and salt. It's amazing I don't weigh at least 100 pounds more than I do and even more amazing I was able to get where I am now. However, sugar is still a massive addiction of mine. It's my HUGE personal battle, but rather than cutting it out 100% (probably not possible) or pretending that I eat salads on the daily, I use it as a means of balance. Now, do I eat 3-4 donuts for breakfast anymore? Absolutely not, but if I want one than I will have one. It took a lot of trial and error to find what works for me and a lot of feeling guilty that I wasn't the perfect health specimen. In the end I finally found that balance was king and my balance will not be the same as your balance. If you can cut sugar out than by all means you go Glen Coco, but for me, I'd rather have one donut than lose complete control of myself and end up eating that donut, plus a pie, plus fried food, plus literally whatever else I can find. IF the day comes where I decide I want to be shredded, I am fully aware that I will need to do some major adjustments, but until that day comes, I'll take my small daily food victories and accept that although I'm not perfect, I know that I've come a LONG way in my eating habits. 

I'd love to hear your journey with food. Did you grow up eating healthy? If not, how do you think that's influenced how you eat now?

Outfit by the amazing Largo Drive. Check out their blog post where I did an interview and talk about my journey in becoming a fitness instructor. Interested in buying something from them? Use code MAE20 from now until November 11th to get 20% off all regularly priced items. I'm wearing the Lanston Sport Slit Bra and the Lanston Sport Slit Leggings. 

#largo drive #athleisure #fitness #workout #workout clothes #lanston sport #yoga #cycling #spin #spin instructor #flywheel #flywheel sports

[elleloumay]

Artists I need you!

I am looking to commission a piece for the fic I'm currently creating with possible future artwork commissions for the same fic/new fics.

Below I'm going to list a rough outline of the fic;

•Destiel

•Destiel

•Alternate Universe (same technology, politics, etc - Dean/everyone else don't hunt and there are no monsters)

•Dean is a mechanic and a stripper on the weekends

•Castiel is a artist that served in the army as a field medic previously (he paints to cope with bad PTSD)

•Dean is bisexual

•Castiel is demisexual

•Mary never died but John did

•Chuck is Castiel's Father and Naomi is his Mother

•Dean has Sam and Adam as siblings

•Castiel has Gabriel, Balthazar, Lucifer and Anna as well as Uriel and Raphael who were adopted

•Naomi raised her children to be religious, she was strict

•Chuck was nice to his children

•Castiel meets Dean when his car breaks down and he has to take is to Singer Salvage Yard (Bobby, yay!)

•Dean flirts with Castiel

The story is a work in progress and this is just a load of ideas but the brief outline in my head so far is;

Castiel is stuck for inspiration and he has a big commission from a man named Crowley, the job came through Balthazar who passed Castiel's name on to an art dealer named Bella and she showed her client (Crowley) Castiel's art pieces. Crowly immediately commissioned some very strange paintings (all full sized canvas) but Castiel is coming up dry.

Meanwhile Dean is trying to earn enough to keep his brother in college so that Sammy doesn't have to work while he's at Stanford. He's also trying to help Mary out financial because she was fired from her job at the local supermarket. He's working all week at his uncle's garage (Bobby) and on weekends he's stripping on stage at a club (Seven Deadly Sins.)

Castiel is on the way to his favourite spot in a local park to seek inspiration for his commissioned pieces when his car breaks down. He calls Gabriel and begs him to come and fetch him - instead Gabriel phone's Singer Salvage Yard and Dean pulls up in a tow truck twenty minutes later with oil smeared across his face and hands and a pair of black shades on.

Dean drives Castiel and his car to the garage and Castiel waits in the office talking to Jo while he waits.

Dean discovers that Castiel had completely used up his oil and it doesn't look like he's changed it in a while - when asked Castiel says he wasn't aware that was something he had to do causing Dean's eyebrows to shoot straight up and Benny to whistle lowly from behind the Mustang he was working on.

Castiel feels embarrassed (especially in front of such an attractive person) and turns red as a tomato while he hastilly tries to get through to Gabriel to arrange a lift to speak to Crowley.

Gabriel doesn't answer but Dean hears his second boss's name and discreetly offers to give Castiel a ride (pun fully intended.)

Castiel agrees and Dean asks if he's okay waiting which he is - an hour passes and Dean is free to leave, they take the Impala because Cas' car is still fried and needs some more work.

They find Crowley sipping a pink cocktail in his office and Dean waits in the empty bar while Castiel discusses the commission with his client in privacy.

From there there's a lot of awkward dancing around one another along with some more chance encounters and before long it seems they're bumping into each other everywhere (the store, the park, the bars, the cinema and even public bathrooms.)

Castiel has found his inspiration in a pair of green eyes and full lips and Dean discovers more 'problems' with Cas' car in order to keep the dark haired and sexy Castiel coming in to Singers Salvage Yard (the problems are 'fixed' at no extra charge of course and Bobby is pissed even though Dean isn't slacking on any of his other jobs.)

Meanwhile Sam is going through a controlling and codependent relationship with Ruby who has gotten him addicted to drugs and hanging around the wrong crowds -he OD's and Dean drives pretty much non-stop with Mary to the hospital where Sam is only to find he's been discharged I to Ruby's care.

Dean spends three weeks solid tracking Sam down while Mary goes to pieces over the whole situation and shuts down.

Eventually Dean finds Sam in a squat passed out with a needle in his arm and a blue lipped Ruby sprawled besides him. Dean calls the paramedics but Ruby is pronounced dead on arrival and Dean carts Sam back home. With Mary's help they manage to get Sammy clean again but it's a long process and Sam is still fighting his addiction when a chance encounter has him meeting Gabriel at his bakery.

They become fast friends and Gabriel helps Sam through his healing process while Sam acts as an outlet for Gabriel's past torment at the hands of a stalker who kidnapped him and kept him in shackles for the better part of a year.

Naomi had refused to even do a televised appeal for her son's safe return declaring that it would make the family look weak in the eyes of the public and cause harm to her role as an attorney. Chuck had manged to convince his wife to let him do the appeal over nine months after Gabriel had first been registered as a missing persons and that same day the kidnapper's neighbors had phoned in to say their neighbor had someone matching Gabriel's description with him.

Over time Sam and Gabriel great closer and closer.

Castiel hadn't seen Dean for months at this point and his car had long since been fixed by Benny in Dean's absence. He had no clue about where Dean had gone and his inspiration had dried up once again. He didn't know when Dean would be coming back. He had no number for him. No home address. Short of actually asking about Dean at the garage or the strip club Castiel was at a loss for what he should do.

They were reunited by chance when Dean was having a particularly bad day and had driven Baby out to a nearby lake. He sat on the dock and stared out across the calm waters while he tried to sort through the jumbled up thoughts in his mind until Castiel startled him by clearing his throat directly behind him followed by a gravely, "Hello, Dean." When Dean made eye contact.

Dean leapt to his feet and pulled Castiel into a bone crushing hug which lasted longer than either of them could define as normal and ended with Dean grabbing fistfuls of Castiel's hair and melding their mouths together desperately.

That's all I have so far.

The art featured in the picture below is N O T mine, I found it on google - it belongs to Kibbitzer - you can find them at Kibbitzer.Deviantart.com

#destiel #elleloumay #ellemurr #personal #me #supernatural #elle #deanxcas #fic #art #commission #looking for artists #help #help me #i need help #kibbitzer.deviantart.com

[taeyungie]

I'm studying psychology in pl (a very specific specialisation but it's psychology nonetheless), and, well, it all depends on the university and even the faculty you want to choose. What's important and I think universal (please someone correct me if I'm wrong, it applies to pl and uk for sure) is that psychology degree does not really give you the qualification to be a therapist, you have to go through another 4 years of schooling to get them (and pay for it A LOT of money lol) so if that's why you consider psychology, have that in mind! And it's not only psychotherapy, you'd need extra schools and certifications for many jobs even if you have your degree.

Psychology is a really broad subject, from 'classic' abnormal psychology to psychology of sports, creative processes etc so it's not like you can't do anything with the degree alone - we need psychologists in many many spaces! But, because of how broad it is, it might seem that some aspects of psychology are not covered deeply enough which means that if you get particularly interested in a topic and start thinking about it as what you'd like to do in life, you'll have to put a lot of your own work in studying and research.

I really enjoy what I'm studying (with some exceptions lol,) I found a niche in which I feel comfortable and with which I'm absolutely fascinated (and I hope to write my thesis on it but that's, well, uncertain 💀) I think psychology is an extremely interesting corner of the scientific world, but you have to be ready to put a lot of your own effort in it, be aware that studying psychology is not a therapy or an opportunity to self-diagnose (I'm saying it just in case! I've seen far to many people do that, and it's dangerous, and, unfortunately, very easy to fall into,) that you might be disappointed by some things (like I was after reading Butcher's chapter of 'Abnormal psychology' about sexual orientations and disorders,) and that it can be very triggering and heavy to process if you tend to be affected by possibly triggering materials or topics.

Hope I helped a little bit, I'll be happy to answer any of your questions if you have some! Have a lovely day ❤

oh that is awesome anonie! i'm so glad you reached out to me! with the way you described the educational system, the courses, getting the degree and additional schooling after uni sounds exactly like the one in my country!! of course i did my research before even considering it, and i think i'm aware of most of the difficulties that it would bring, but honestly... which uni course is easy, attending university isn't easy no matter what we choose KANSJSKS 💀 and psychology is something i have been fascinated by for years, i know it's not strictly humanist oriented subject which is perfect for me, because for example - i wouldn't be able to handle studying philosophy in which i'm just as interested in, i was always good at humanistic subjects but i also always have always been leaning towards scientist subjects too, but i can't go study physics or engineering because i'm too dumb 💀💀 so i thought that psychology how would be perfect. also with the way that after getting a degree there's many ways it can go, many things i can do, because personally i don't think i'd be fit to become a therapist (i don't hate the idea, it just don't think i'd be able to handle being a psychotherapist) i do not worry too much about addictional courses after studying at uni for half of the decade already LOL (but time will show which way i wanna go, i'm still not sure of pretty much anything).

But since I'm very lost and not sure what to study, I thought that maybe it'd be better to just study something that I'm actually interested in and will be enjoying learning about, you know? I am fully aware that the course isn't easy, there's a lot of work, a lot of reading, a lot of studying, heavy topics and a lot of time that has to be put into gaining knowledge, but so is everywhere else, i will be exposed to the stress and overwhelming amounts of work no matter w which course I'll take, so again - it's something i'm interested in anyway, so it should be easier for me to absorb the knowledge, at least that's how it is for me when studying anything that i like. But I'm glad you also brought to the surface the fact that some people who choose to study psychology go for it and hope for it to be their therapy session... And it's very important thing for me too, because as a person not stable mentally myslef, I am fully aware how important that is to not mix our own state with things we might be hearing or learning about during classes, because of that fact i was often finding myslef wondering "is that a good idea? will i be able to handle all that? studying psychology while not being mentally stable myslef?" but i think it's wrong to think so, and i shouldn't put myslef down like that, because it's not psychology in practicular that i'm afraid of, it's more the fact that i'm afraid if i will be able to handle studying at university at all, no matter what course i would take, but i also know that i tend to doubt myslef a lot all the time, so i think i shouldn't really listen what my doubts have to say hahah.

Just like you said it'd make it dangerous for me and make it extremely difficult trying to pass the grade while wondering about my own diagnosis, i know it's not about that, and I am able to separate the two, otherwise i think it'd be difficult not to fail the classes LMAO SKNSJSKS Also, with the way I was planning to go on therapy myslef, I know that things i would be learning at school don't have to, and probably won't be related to my own issues at all, it's not what it's all about. I think I can say I have a very strong mentality and I do not get easily triggered, i have a good control over my own mind especially when i'm surrounded by people, so that also makes it easier, but still I know that we're only humans and everything can happen, but that's also normal. but yeah, i think that's it, i don't have any more questions for now hahah and your words actually cleared my mind a little bit!! so thank you sooooo much for writing all that, we both ranted a little LMAO 💀💓 thank you for taking your time to message me, i appreciate that so much, and i will keep thinking about it, it's still not my final decision, I'm just collecting knowledge hehe thank you so much again, and i hope you have an amazing day too!! please stay healthy and don't overwork yourself 💓 good luck with your thesis too!! 💓💓

#anonymous #answered