#but idk I can’t rlly write abt it myself

[autistic-katara]

alr ignore everything i said im fine

#can’t remember how many posts i made abt that but after hysterically crying/having an anxiety attack in the shower #+ smoking the majority of a cigarette which i’m almost definitely allergic to #i’m fine #the weird dizzy affect i get calms me down in the moment #so i am not at risk of anything but possibly getting in major trouble if one of my parents decides to go into my bathroom before the smell #clears away #and i’ve managed to get myself to a point where i’m almost definitely not gonna throw up #so yeah might write a fanfic to try nd cope or i might just sleep idk #my short term problems r solved even if my long term ones rlly arent #it’s almost 2am rn ignore me #ryan shut the fuck up

[teruthecreator]

oh god the “you’re a bad writer” demon is on my ass again -__-

#in neg city #ughhhhhhhhh trying to get back into ur hobbies is rlly hard and nobody understands #or maybe they do but. still. i’m suffering #i feel like everything i write is rlly bad but if i keep nitpicking at it im never gonna get it done and i’ve dedicated myself to #finishing ideas before i start new ones but it just feels like maybe i should give up writing for good or something #i get stuck so much more often than i used to bc i just feel like what im doing isn’t my best and if im not doing my best then why am i #doing it at all. yknow? doesn’t help that i’m always looking over my shoulder at people who write better than me #bc the envious little freak in my brain can’t stop comparing me to my friends like. i should just be normal about this! #it’s a silly hobby i do for fun!!! yet i can’t feel that way abt it bc i’ve put a lot of my own self worth into my skills #and writing is one of the few skills i can actually Do rn #ugh. i just wanna be happy w what i’m doing i wanna like what i write the first time not after the millionth edit #idk maybe i am just rlly bad at it and everyone’s pretending to like my work to make me feel better -__- #SIGH. whatever.

[xxwiltedwisteriaxx]

SO CLOSE.

I almost didn’t eat today. Everything was going well but i forgot that i’m like.. RLLY bad at hiding shit and RLLY good at complaining. So subconsciously i text my fiancé “omfg I’m ⭐️VING and this lady (a college spokesperson) won’t SHUT UP”

Then he caught me in my lie from earlier telling him i had a good brekkie, and also dug out of me that i had i had no lunch either. my excuse was “idk i jst haven’t gotten out of bed” SO, he ordered me sonic and had it doordashed to me.. (he’s in the military so he can’t jst.. go get it)

I could never be mad at him, especially not for caring about me. It was a cheeseburger, a small chili cheese tots, and a small cookie dough shake. I spent probably like fifteen minutes calculating calories until i got to 1,300 and decided just to eat the damn meal. Again, I could never be mad at my fiancé for caring about me, but DAMN.

On one hand, Im super fucking disappointed that i made it until 16:30, then broke my fast. On the other hand… ig if you REALLY put it in perspective, i had like a normal amount of calories a person should have. I jst omad-ed. I plan to fast tomorrow for my birthday (Im finally ACTUALLY 18 WOO!! No more lying on social media!! :3) and for most of the day friday since my mom will be taking my brother and i out to some fancy shmancy sushi place.

How I felt after eating:

Jst writing this as a reminder to myself.

Being hungry sucked ass, we all know this. It made me nauseous and irritable, but it felt so good to say no to my cravings. After eating i felt like crap, sure my belly is full and i’m no longer having cravings, but every bite put me deeper and deeper into shame thinking “how tf am i gonna write abt this?” But wtv, im choosing not to care today bc it’s already done with.

In all honesty, I try telling myself i feel this way for public approval, and some of that might actually be true, but really i jst want control.

But who cares, it’s only one day, and one day further away from reaching my ugw.

#emo scene #emo #tw ed but not sheeran #ed not sheeren #tw ed diet #tw ana trigger #ana trigger #ana & mia #@n0r3xia

[caitie-likes-talking]

Part 4 Rewrite Concepts

Ok I've officially decided in my head that I'm going to at least plan out a part 4 rewrite, which is why now im going to give u all an extremely messy and poorly organized list of ideas I have just to like..help myself think them through more!

Ok so I'm having trouble deciding how I want to start the story off. Mainly because I don't want to include the Anjelo arc. I've always thought of part 4 being messily divided into 3 parts (Anjelo, Akira, Kira), which is something I know I want to change and have the whole plot just focus on Kira. I was thinking maybe just have it start in a slice of life style like some of the filler eps but the main problem is that I need to figure out what exactly sparks the whole 'we need to catch the killer' thing. Maybe Josuke and Koichi find Reimi instead of Koichi and Rohan? Idk!

And yknow mentioning Akira, I think this is the hardest arc to write out of the story. I don't want to include it very much, but it was really important for Okuyasu's character arc imo. I also just need to reread part 4 i literally own all of the p4 manga why haven't I done that yet..

I'm thinking of changing stuff w Reimi. I kind of want to make her be born a bit later, therefore killed later. Mainly so that she could be connected to Josukes past and this would better set up the framing of Jotaro that I want, as it would make him 17~ when Kira first kills her (I’d also make kira 5 yrs younger ofc)

For josukes past I’m still a little iffy. I think I might have Reimi just be there w the boy to help pull Tomokos car out of the pothole but idk. Is that cheesy? Just bc I still want Josuke to have his hair and everything..

I want to give Keicho Surface. Ik he alr has a stand, and I love Bad Company, but I wanna make Surface plot relevant and give it to someone who I also want to be plot relevant soo..yeah. In my rewrite I imagine Keicho teams up w Kira bc Kira promises to find a way to kill Keicho’s father.

Also yeah I want to have Jotaro be framed for all of the murders bc again that’s fun idk. And this way there can be a subplot abt clearing his name. Also I want to add holly and possibly baby Jolyne (is that too self indulgent?)

I’m still going to keep the plot w Cinderella (as in kira changing his face) bc I love hayato and shinobu. Plus that whole arc is when we got into p4 being rlly good

For yukako I’m thinking of making her josukes cousin, mainly so that they can have a pre established relationship since yukako probably isn’t getting her stand in this (bc she got it from the arrow right? I don’t want to include that arc. It drove me crazy how everyone kept getting a stand)

I’m thinking Joseph gets introduced after Jotaro is arrested and Jotaro is all like “u need ur dad to help solve this!!”

I wanna focus on the conflicts between Josuke and Joseph. I especially think this could be fun bc ryohei would still be alive, so it’s like a case of “u might be my biological dad, but my REAL dad is right here.”

I also want to let Tomoko actually do something but I haven’t decided what yet.

I’m keeping mikitaka in somehow bc believe it or not I do enjoy fun and whimsy

I’m probably cutting out Rohan entirely tho. He was honestly a good antagonist and I love his stand so I might use that somewhere but I just can’t stand him. (lmfao stand)

Also like at the end of the day this is my au and I do what I want!!

I think I might make one of yukakos parents be a police officer. Bc 1. whether I make her and Josuke related or not, they’re still connected by their relatives on the force and 2. I feel like this could possibly help set her up to help in the kira investigation? Like maybe she’s planning to become a cop or detective in the future so she alr has some skills. Or maybe she could help find files or something. No matter what, I want her to get to actually help w the plot instead of just kidnapping koichi then being sidelined like in canon

For okuyasu I’m thinking his arc is going to be changed a wee bit. Like his brother works w kira, but he befriends Josuke and realizes that what his brothers doing is wrong and like..learns to stand up for the right thing regardless of what his brother says. And a bump in this road could be keichos death. Like imagine ur finally branching off from ur brother and then he DIES? I’d be crawling back to his grave too lmfao

I’m going to work on stand profiles and giving them actual limits and rules. Bc a LOT of them just don’t have that.

I think some stands I’ll still include just bc I like them. Like highway star (even tho that arc was so boring the stand is cool).

Also I still want to focus on the affects of Dio for part of it. I think I might mainly do this w Jotaro and his ptsd tho..

Overall I’m excited and I hope I can flesh this out more !!!

#jjba #jojos bizarre adventure #jjba diu #jjba part 4 #Jojo’s Bizarre adventure diamond is unbreakable #diamond is unbreakable #canon rewrite #rewrite #au #alternate universe #ideas #I’m just spitballing #concept #josuke higashitaka

[goldenhypen]

hi em! i was gonna make this anonymous but ta heck w tht LOL okay so this is gonna b a long one js bc i wanna b as clear as possible for u but i jus wanna kno ur opinion on this n im sorry if this sounds redundant (given what ur whole acc is abt) but i saw this tiktok that was basically talking abt how ppl who read rp (real person) fanfics r weird , disgusting , and freaks (that one hurt ngl😭) and ig bc i never interacted w ppl who read them i had no idea this was such a controversial thing yk? so it kinda hurt and i got hella defensive bc these fics have helped me thru some hard times n r my safe space (esp ur acc i love it sm ur fics r quick n easy reads but so so good! and i love tht u write wholesome sfw fics i don’t like / can’t read nsfw rp fics) and r good when i need a quick romance fix bc i have none irl (tmi fr sorry!) but honestly it made me feel horrible abt myself bc im like damn am i sick freak for reading this even tho i read the sfw n wholesome ones?? n they were sayin the y/n , self inserts were even worse! 😭 n idk if this makes me ignorant but for the life of me i couldn’t figure out what made it weird! nsfw ones r different but regular romance or fantasy? esp since i never see this take when ppl mention they used to read one direction fanfics or mindless behavior & august alsina ones (these were popular among the black community for context!) like everyone laughs n reminisces i feel like ppl r a lot more critical n harsh on kpop stans tbh but i even thought abt deleting my tumblr bc i felt wrong for doing so it made me question myself for awhile just being honest anyways i’ll get off my soapbox im so sorry this is so long i jus wanted to give as much context and detail as possible! if this is too much please disregard but idk i just wanted an opinion on this take from a fix writer and i assume u read some too correct me if i’m wrong! thanks so incredibly much in advance and i hope we can b friends one day! 🧸🎀✨💌💕🫶🏽

this is so real of you omg ok first of all, thank you for going out of your comfort zone to do this! things like this make me so happy cuz you coming out of your way to do this (comfort wise and time wise since it must’ve taken you a while to write sm, esp considering the technical difficulties 😭) makes it all the more meaningful. and i rlly appreciate you coming to me of all ppl too! so thank you!

secondly, i agree with you on all the things you had to say !! i was once in your shoes, and if i’m being completely honest, a part of me is still navigating this as well. like some things i still question for example is if there is rlly nothing wrong with this, why do i feel the need to hide that i read/write? but for the most part, rn i am definitely set on there being absolutely nothing wrong with this! i can definitely see where these other ppl are coming from if they had never thought much of fanfiction or reader inserts etc. bc it’s probably similar to how i felt before being more exposed to fanfiction. but imo these are fantasies i just imagine in my head anyway and are almost like dreams to me yk? and so imo, they’re harmless. in fact, writing and reading ffs help grow my creativity, which is smth i value. cuz not only am i doing this for entertainment, i’m also doing it for the art (this is in terms of writing more so than reading but can still apply to both). however, similar to you, i do believe that imagines can be taken too far, as that is what aligns with my beliefs, such as nsfw fics (which is not anything personal at all to nsfw writers!). that imo can be harmful for the mind and spirit etc. (sorry if this is getting too deep and personal 😭)

ugh this is honestly so nice to talk about and have someone relate to on this cuz literally the things you are saying describe me !!! and dw, i have and never had any love life,, it’s non existent, believe it or not! so dw, you’re not alone 😭 like we can be delulu tgt 😭😭 and ahahaha yesss like i can’t tell you the amount of times i considered deleting this app or stopping writing/reading. it was challenging to process. but after doing so, i have come to the conclusions i mentioned earlier (how i think reading sfw fics are harmless). it’s literally just a form of harmless entertainment lol so i don’t see why ppl have to be so judgmental about it and can’t just mind their own business 😭 so dw, coming from a fellow reader and someone who has faced the same dilemma, you are not at all a freak 😭 and don’t let anyone let you think otherwise 😤☹️

also i can’t go without saying a huge thank you for all the kind things you had to say about my works :((( <3 that is so sweet of you to say and is so encouraging. it’s smth i’m finding i need a lot of, esp lately, so i rlly appreciate that and it means a lot. this whole ask and talking about this is rlly quite meaningful to me tbh 😭 so thank you for coming to me and being so brave to bring this up! 🫶🏻 also, yes let’s be friends omg !! i’d love that 🥹🫶🏻

#thank you for this truly 😭 #i feel so…. not alone anymore loll #em answers #thatsadoutsider <3 #also if you’re comfortable lmk your name! #i want to give you a more personal tag :> #only if you’re comfortable ofc! <3

[lqfiles]

heyy uhm thjs is my first time sending these kind of things and i js wanted to say that i really really reallyyyyy love stg, i've been reading it since chapter 10ish? but started following at about 20ish (srry abt that) and ik it doesn't mean much coming from an anonymous person but it makes me very happy (and PROUD) to see how many people are reading it now and how many asks you get :) overall im js immensely proud of you and your work

again ik it does not mean much coming from an anon but still you have no idea how great my days get when i get notis from your acc replying to questions or anons (cause i've figured it usually mean that you'll upload another chapter) ANYWAYS i've been struggling a LOT these few months, and one of the only things I seriously look up to is stg, so again, thank you SO so much :(

you don't even have to reply to this or anything (bc tbh i wouldn't know what to say either lol) but i would appreciate it if you could at least read it and know just how much power your ideas and writing actually have <3

also not sure if 50 was the last chapter (?) i was planning on writing smth like this when the smau ended BUT ITS WHATEVER RLLY !! anyways i will never be able to thank u enough for taking your time in this and genuinely putting effort and feelings on it, you are amazing !!

also im from Chile so idk if i made any mistakes while typing this… whatever i'll make sure to support you through each and every work of yours from now on ! take care <333

(god this was a little long IM SORRY again you don't have to reply to this i js hope u read it and know just how capable and dedicated you are and how happy you can make other people iwnsnsks <3)

anon you actually made me tear up wthh :(( LONG ANSWER INCOMING……

i think this is the best thing i could’ve been told and hear, and the fact that it’s anonymous doesn’t change how much your words mean to me trust me. i honestly wasn’t sure how commited i’d be to this smau since i never have managed to finish a slow burn ideas because of the lack of creativity. but i think the fact that you still kept up from such an early chapter (when i remember pointing out that i’m really just writing this without a full plot yet multiple times) is endearing and don’t worry, i don’t take it to heart that you didn’t follow me immediately loll, for all you knew this could’ve been the shittiest piece of writing and then you’d have to just unfollow lmaooo. also i think it’s cute that those who have kept up from early on until now have witnessed with me the growth of this series and the support on it 😭 i remember when 70 notes in day alone excited me and would get giddy by getting a SINGLE ask hsjdjdjd and now i’ve had chapters with 400 notes and get 10+ asks ??? i didn’t even really dwell on it that you guys who have been ogs too have seen the growth too :(( i think it’s quite funny, because last year, i rarely got any asks and barely checked on this account except for posting some drabbles here and there, and didn’t even speak to any mutuals, i remember i told myself i’d keep this a writing blog only without interacting much at all but ever since stg i’m surprised by the amount of mutuals i’ve made and how many people are really perceiving my account AND how interactive i’ve been even tho i’d usually log out immediately after posting something lmaoo! it’s cute and i appreciate you for sticking around and being proud of me !!! it honestly catches me off guard when some of you say that stg is the highlight of your day or how much you love it or how it has inspired you to start writing yourself, because i can’t comprehend myself being influential like that at ALL 😭😭 but at the same time it warms my heart every time because it makes me feel useful…? i like seeing people happy and feel inspired by something i did so seeing people be so happy of a mere chapter really does make me smile :) i’m sorry to hear that life is hard on you, but again it means a lot to me knowing stg DOES affect your day positively (can’t believe we’ll be reaching the end tho..)

this wasn’t the last chapter, i got two more and then some bonus chapters so i hope you’ll enjoy them and my future work as well anon <33 i’ll continue to pour my effort and feelings into my writing love you and thank you for making time to write this !!!

#asks. #from anon #( score that goal! ) #i’ll cherish this message tysm! #also i think it’s funny how you’ve picked up on the #‘when lqfiles answers asks a new chapter is coming’ LMAOOO i was wondering if anyone else noticed that

[vesperewrites]

woah. i think i recognize the tone/typing mannerisms of that one weird anon and believe they’ve been in my inbox before, shitting on my fics and art with no real critique behind their insults. just like now, all they’re spewing is pure hate backed up by no real reason and what i think is a sad, unnecessary form of jealousy. i’m guessing from your last post they’ve decided to use up all their cards and rlly drive the message that they’re a bitter loser by perhaps insulting you and your craft in some shape or form (tho if they haven’t and i totally misread, just know the following sentiment is still true lol). i just wanna say— the way you carry yourself and have been giving rlly informed and supportive conversations surrounding certain lucemond topics as well as your writing are rlly, rlly good and important. it showed that most of us still read, support, and appreciate one another and that’s what matters. i feel like the main thing ppl should understand abt ff writers is that this is definitely a hobby for us, as we have real adult life’s. so that being said, anybody having these extreme and emotional issues with fandom and fiction that upsets you so much enough to blindly attack should just take up another way of spending their free time.

also idk if you’re taking up anymore recs but a fandom og who left/deleted their works revealed their last known pseudonym as @aelussy and their fics are just phenomenal. ‘apex predators’ had a really fun approach to lucerys and aemond’s dynamic which i think you’ll appreciate, bc i know i can’t stop thinking abt them.

and it also begs the question: are ppl just so blinded by nostalgia that they don’t even recognize the supposed ‘lucemond peak writing’ even if it’s right in front of them, just under different usernames? idk, it just makes me think all those things that anon supposedly misses (since it truly never rlly left) is just an excuse they tell themselves to justify shitting on ppl.

Yeah, it's truly bizarre. I'm sorry that happened to you :/

Criticism and open discussion is fine. There's nothing I can to say to someone resorting to ad hominem attacks or making a hasty generalization (logical fallacy) argument. At the end of the day, it's just opinions. And agreed with you. It reads as jealousy, insecurity, or attention-seeking. Nothing I can do about that.

Ah, I didn't think they insulted my work at all, but even if someone did, it's honestly fine!! My stuff is very rough/imperfect (I say this with absolute love to myself) and nevertheless I'm proud of it.

Ah, thank you very much! That's very kind of you to say. Disagreements can be healthy, but both parties need to operate underneath good faith as a means and end goal to try to understand one another. Supporting others is very important to me.

Ff is definitely a hobby I do in my free and even then...I'm a slow writer. 💀 anyone taking it this seriously might not have much going on.

I'll check out your rec :] I think I saw that it was an orphan account. I believe I read it a while back, so I'll see.

Yeah, it makes me question, what nostalgia are they speaking about? Nothing I can do about it, since I can't miss what I've never known. Like....I'm sorry...? Lol.

But yeah, plenty of talented people here from the beginning, it seems. So I'm honestly confused by some folks' takes of "the good ones left". That was the only statement I was addressing that started it all. If people want to shit on others, that says more about them than it does about me.

Thank you for your take! I'll check out your work too. :]

#author asks

[beautifel]

what was bad about go2 plot-wise? i haven’t watched it yet but i see very diverging opinions on this and idk if i want to bother watching if it’s gonna ruin my experience of the show, i rlly liked the first season

oh well like i said parts of it slapped and i genuinely enjoyed watching it but the plot… i’d have to rewatch to give a better explanation cuz i don’t remember everything but u can just tell that it’s written by ppl who spend a big chunk of their time scrolling tumblr and lurking in fandom spaces, it rlly felt like fanfic which . in and of itself… okay sometimes that rules because some widely used tropes are popular for a reason, i don’t always hate to see them in stories, but it felt like the whole season was fanfic plot or filler episode plot… plus some of the dialogue also annoyed the shit out of me and again i can’t precisely put my finger on what made it so annoying except that it sounded like bad fanfic (and i’m not talking about crowley and aziraphales dynamic here bc the actors have so much chemistry that they entertain me no matter how bad the dialogue lol)

i rlly couldnt bring myself to care abt the lesbian coffee shop romance like at all… also (spoilers) the stakes turned out to be so low honestly one moment aziraphale could get his entire existence wiped out of history for harbouring gabriel if it was discovered, crowley was risking severe punishment too iirc, also gabriel + beelzebub were going to get punished… and then aziraphale was like hey besties what if we just let gabriel and beelzebub choose their own punishment and suddenly all the angels and the demons together were like yes okay 👍 and then aziraphale gets offered a promotion. and also none of the angels recognised a guy who they were shown to literally have had entire conversations with before. just one of the many things that were pretty random and didn’t make a ton of sense tbh.

the ending was heartwrenching but i liked it, i think it will make for a great next season regarding that aspect of the story… the crowley and aziraphale storyline was genuinely beautiful to watch to me regardless of the bad writing in other aspects of the season so if that was the main reason you liked season 1 id say go for it!

i probably forgot to say other things but this is what i remember off the top of my head of my opinion when i was watching. maybe i’ll change my mind maybe not

#good omens spoilers #im only tagging this for blacklisters if u see this while browsing the spoiler tag dont start shit just scroll thank you 🙏

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[sebastiansluts]

Happy new year rosee (ik it’s v late but better late than never) anyway what’s up? Who anon jerk dare come and bring any negativity to my precious rose? Imma throw hands 🤺🤺🤺

I miss you haven’t been able to send you any messages since I’m at my grandma house and I’m restraining myself from reading any smut so I won’t be horny but I’m dying to read new fics from you gosh I wish I’m back at my dorm reading your amazing writings also might thinking I would dye my hair blonde balayage this January for the new year new me bullshit (not rlly I just wanna be Sebastian Stan’ type 😭😭😭) but I miss dyeing my hair so yeah and also been thinking mafia Nick idk why but I imagine him keeping me as a pet and maybe he’ll fuck other girls but kept me watching and he’ll be so mean abt it but I’m his one and only pet so when the girl he’s fucking started talk shit abt me behind my back he’s like “you ain’t special she is, no one talk shit abt my pet” and then kill her and then just fucks me and when he finally breeds me he just won’t stop being around me and finally just fucks me and only me cause I’m the only one that gets it…

But also I’m craving Daddy Lee who’ll take care of me and again humiliates me in a different way like he fucks me dumb that I said “da…da” instead of daddy accidentally and he’s like “aw you can’t even say daddy fucking pathetic you dumb baby look at you babbling like a pathetic braindead fucktoy baby c’mon say it back im a pathetic braindead fucktoy baby yeah you are fucking useless shit I’m gonna wreck you so bad” cause oh my god that fucking belly is all I want I need a big boy and as always je suis excitée (idk french unless it’s that and voulez vous coucher avec moi)

So yeah my mind is fucked up but it izzz what it izzz. Ps. I used to hate when the ml have other girl but I crave to be humiliated now I don’t mind lol as long as he’s mine is that fucked up? I think that’s fucked up I need to go to a therapy

~sincerely your beluga

Happy New Year hon!!! I hope you had a good one <3 Thank you for defending me, I love you. I've missed you too! I hope you're having a good time even though you're not reading any smut- I'll try to have some more for you to read soon! Haha I say go for it, do the hair change if you've been missing it! I need to redye mine soon, maybe I'll do a dark purple or something! But yeah I feel you on wanting to be Seb's type!!

Mmm mafia!nick is a great one, and I love the humiliation plus protectiveness, it's like, no, only he gets to be a dick to you, no one else. And the giving in at the end to only fucking you, because really, why would he need anyone else when you're willing to do everything and anything?

But ooo daddy lee is so good too because yes he could humiliate so much like that, he'd say how he's so much smarter, he knows what's best for you, and just keeps fucking you until you're flying....

Hahaha love that little bit of french, it's all I know too lol. And so what, your mind is fucked up, my mind is fucked up, we're all fucked up! And I mean, we should all probably see therapists, but that's a whole other issue lol

#rose answers #anon #anon ask #beluga anon #sweet ask

[emocholo]

it’s crazy. one week i was spending ur bday w u an ur fam… u were all over me we were smth. few weeks later i’m nothing. not even enough to text back, not enough to want to see not like you used to. i just really don’t understand you at all. i thought i did i thought you understood me i thought you knew me… you don’t. we don’t know eachother at all. i was stupid to believe that your feelings were true should’ve known from the start. i jus wanted u to miss me so bad. i hate u Sm honestly if i knew this would happen we never woulda happened. i can’t really blame you because we weren’t nothing… but i don’t know if you can even say that!!! we were something you can’t jus say that we were nothing after everything we did. i jus don’t understand how you switched so fast how you lost all those feelings like that and found Smth new. i was being played an used from the start an you told me straight up In a sugar coated way but i ate that shit up cuz i had a soft spot for u. you’ve always made me feel stupid you’ve always been so good at that. if there was one thing you taught me it was to not trust so easy an that not everyone deserves my love… if there was one thing i gained from this it was finally being able to say with confidence that i know my worth now an i kno that i’m an unforgettable experience i’m A Raree ARTIFACTTT not many will see or experience or hold or do shit withhhhhhhhh i hope you dream about me an shit hope you never forget i kno i wont as much as i want to. i hope you kept thag note i wrote u.. i did rlly mean what i wrote hope yk that. i’m real genuine and raw an you helped me see just how good i am to the people that i love. i wont tell myself i wasn’t good for u i kno that i was. idk how you could say thag i wasn’t you kno i would’ve dropped abt habit… and bitch….. almost anything. to be a better Man.. to be jus better if you said it yk i woulda done it. but it’s fine i try not to dwell on it bcuz it jus brings me down. i’m trying to stay up i don’t want you yo see me hurting but i don’t want you to forget about me either or move on or anything. i want you to text me in all honesty but i don’t think you’ll ever will that’s fine. i shouldn’t expect you to anyways i kno u won’t. i write all this abt u Ur prolly in someone else’s arms alr. so i pretend like i am to bcuz as much as i want you to care you never will.

[spinobsessed]

Idek

TW: mentions of predatory behavior

I was writing a long story/opinions abt times I was in inappropriate situations with older men online, or just older ppl in general, but as I looked through my old discord chats I just got rlly sad. A part of my likes this attention, it makes me feel wanted and special and I know it’s wrong looking back on those moments. But I just can’t help but feel that way, every unsolicited dick pic, all the times I’ve been asked for nudes, the time someone on roblox got me and his friend to have esex in a bean cabinet; it was entertaining in the moment, and fond in the future.

Idk I feel so gross. I shouldn’t feel anything but negativity that those things were exposed to me; that 3 dudes DMed me for nudes when I was 11 and said “I’m so wet” in a discord chat, that I was pressured into showing myself in my bra (it wasn’t even a real bra it could pass as a thin shirt, you could see my nipples), that a 25 yr old told me he liked me and thought I was a cutie and adorable and a queen and that he was my knight. I should only feel anger, but I don’t. A small part of me WANTS this, not just feeling neutral/nostalgic, but wanting to seek out these situations and put myself in them. That is so disgusting of me and I feel ashamed, it may be subconscious but it’s MY subconscious; it’s probably what I want deep inside. I remember just thinking a few days ago: “I wouldn’t mind if an older women groomed me if she truly loved me bc it’d be comforting to know that I wouldn’t have to enter the adult world alone and I’d have someone who has experience with these things to tell me what to do”

Why do I feel like this? How do I stop it? Why do I always have to have the stupidest problems? Why can’t my issues just be normal ones at least

[borom1r]

ace attorney asks!! (I'm sorry you're having a night,, I hope it doesn't stay that way ❤❤) ummm I would actually love to hear if you have any side/case-specific characters you're fond of and why!! & if you'd like smth more specific, I would love to hear abt either maya + miles bestie-isms or maybe how you think franziska & phoenix's relationship is after he and miles are officially together!!!

I feel like this is sooo obvious but Jake Marshal!! also Ron and Dessie DeLite!

idk that I have a lot of specific Thoughts abt them but they were all rlly standout characters to me

I also enjoyed Hugh and Robin, actually— Robin is so transfem to me. in my heart of hearts she’s trans 💞

there r honestly so many characters I wld love to see Come Back who like, obviously Won’t but still. Godot I am biting u soso much. this is not coherent im sorry but I would rlly truly genuinely love a prequel focusing on Mia n Diego like pleeeeeeease!!! PLEASE!!!!!!! give Mia her own game for realsies it’s what she deserves 😩

+ like OUGH. Maya Miles bestie hours.. I think, particularly early on wrt him n Phoenix reconnecting, he can be.. not more GENUINE per se, but he certainly puts less pressure on himself to try and hit some like. ideal the way he does w Phoenix. and not even necessarily consciously, but like, Maya doesn’t have this idealized childhood savior version of him propped up in her head.

and this is like, Me Projecting bc hey I can do that :3 but I’ve started trying 2 like. give myself more space to actually BE nonverbal when im overstimulated instead of forcing myself to maintain verbal communication— and I think Maya knows sign language from her childhood with Mia (Mia figuring out quickly that it was a good way for them to communicate if/when Maya went non-verbal— and Mia probably being the only person she felt comfortable signing with bc, well, she’s so bubbly and outgoing and really, she can’t POSSIBLY be non-verbal, they all know the moment she TRIES she’ll be talking their ears off!! So Maya forces herself to talk around the adults and signed with Mia).

and her recognizing overstimulation in Miles before he’s even really giving himself the space to recognize it himself— coming over to annoy him because he NEVER visits Phoenix and she gets it but she MISSES him and… stopping when she sees the way his shoulders hunch and his fingers clench around his pen and he’s staring pointedly at the papers on his desk because he’s been TRYING to focus, trying to force himself to function like a NORMAL adult (except not really; he’s aiming for Von Karma standards whether he wants to admit it or not and that’s not exactly normal). Maya gently tapping the desk to get him to look and signing, and the mixture of relief and sheer confusion when he realizes she’s providing accommodations he’d never admit to needing while also having absolutely no idea what she just said.

That first evening passes with Maya signing while speaking softly, and Miles writing his responses on a spare notepad, but slowly he learns more and more from her until he’s practically fluent too— they can spend a whole evening conversing about the chaos of the legal world and the equally chaotic reworks to Steel Samurai lore without ever saying a word out loud, and those are moments Miles always treasures

(and, when Phoenix stops him one night when he’s particularly overstimulated, clumsily signing “it’s okay, Maya’s teaching me” Miles feels so grateful to know her that he could, possibly, cry. He admits to nothing, but he does text her that she’s his favorite person in the world. She quickly responds “we both know that’s actually Nick, but ily2 ^u^” and it’s definitely one of those moments where it hits him that he Has A Family Now, For The First Time In Years)

ALSO Maya feels very much like the kind of person to say “I love you” very liberally. Especially because of how young she lost Mia + feeling like she didn’t let her sister know enough, even if her feelings are complicated. so I’m sure you can imagine the sort of (very hushed) gossip that goes around whenever people catch Maya leaving (Miles giving her a one armed hug and unable to stop himself from smiling a little even as he TRIES to glower intimidatingly at his subordinates while Maya exclaims “okay BYE Mr. Edgeworth LOVE YOU!! Good luck in court, you better come to game night!!!”)

(he does, of course, come to game night)

(Maya has definitely channeled a spirit to win at LEAST twice and they have yet to decide if it counts as cheating or not since technically it’s not looking up an answer!! but also it is kinda looking up an answer.)

+ lastly ok I’ve probs talked abt this before but I do like the idea that they maintain the sort of silly rivalry they start with but more in a “if you turn my brother into even MORE of a fool you WILL face my wrath, Phoenix Wright” “pffft yeah right, Maya will never let you live it down if you break out the whip at dinner on Saturday” “…I will exact my revenge in other, more subtle ways.”

She sends him a Top Ten Scariest Things Caught On Camera compilation at three in the morning one night (thank you different time zones, she loves being in a different time zone) and he texts back “I hate you >:(“ but they are both laughing. There’s no one he would trust to take care of Maya more than her and there’s no one she would trust to care for Miles more than him.

Also I’ve DEF talked abt it from Phoenix’s POV (texting her at night to confirm Maya’s safe when he has nightmares about her being kidnapped/in danger) but Franziska ABSOLUTELY texts him every now and then like “Miles is there?” and Phoenix knows she would never outright admit to either him or Miles how much Miles’ “death” affected her. Asking if he’s there (safe, nearby, a phone call away) is as close they’ll get — Phoenix always responds as soon as he can (“yep, we’re making dinner!” or “he’s at his office, I’ll see him in forty minutes for lunch” or “he and Maya have a coffee date, you can double check with her but I wouldn’t wanna interrupt their Steel Samurai gossip session”)

She doesn’t always respond, but Phoenix gets it, and he’s always happy to let her know— he’s okay just getting a one-word (or sometimes one letter, if it’s super late for her) response about Maya, but he knows she needs more detail to put her mind at ease (Evidence is key, after all; you can’t build a perfect case without all the information) and he’s happy to provide

They definitely all have dinner together once a week (either just the four of them out at a restaurant, or their entire “family” at one of their houses— Miles and Phoenix, Trucy, Maya and Franziska, Klavier and Apollo, Pearl, Kay, Emma, Athena and Juniper, Simon if he’s feeling up to group interactions, Gumshoe and Maggie if they’re in town, even Larry sometimes). It gets hectic and usually they only get EVERYONE together for holidays, but all of them spent so long with nothing, losing everyone they loved, that having such an ABUNDANCE of connection really is something for them to revel in.

#ask #TY BESTIEEE

[chocosvt]

hi choco !! i hope you’re having a good day/night 🤩🤩

i’ve been a fan of yours since late 2020/early 2021 (i can’t remember when exactly) and i just want to say that i rlly rlly love your writing. like LOVE love your writing 💗💗

i’m a writer myself, but for years i’ve always felt like there was something wrong or missing in the way i write, and i couldn’t figure out why. but then i found your jun imagine because i love you, which (ngl) was one of those kinds of stories that changed my life forever. (also i’m a jun stan so 😂 it made me love this work even more) i read through all your works (other favorites include honey boy, the best friends brother rewrite, split your heart, brownie points, insomniac, second life, wish, fireflies, connect, ivory night AAAA THEY’RE ALL SO GOOD 😭💖) i love every single one of them, and gradually i discovered what went wrong with my own work (for example, my ridiculous tendency to switch from past to present and back in the same scene, my over exaggerated writing style, and strange pacing and plot). your writing helped me improve my own, and i am forever grateful for that.

you’re an incredible writer, and your writing has definitely inspired and changed people’s lives (at least with mine and the way i write). i hope that writing will continue to be a part of your life and that no one will ever take that away from you 💞💞 you have an amazing gift and if you ever decide to write a book and publish it, i will definitely buy it asap 🤩🤩

hope you’re doing well!! ✨✨✨ (imma go study for my ap cal exam now 🥲🥲)

OKAY i know you sent me this last week but when i first read ur ask it was my morning before work and all i could do was roll around in my bed cuz teehee-ing n kicking my feet like OMFG IT WAS SO BAD i love your MESSAGE SO MUCH I WANTED TO CRY MY EYES OUT!!

but then i wasn't even sure what i could say in response to it since i was like my words won't suffice in explaining my joy and gratitude!!! but PLEASE KNOW I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU SAID I HOLD ONTO IT LIKE A LITTLE WARM TEA LIGHT!!

ALSO YES okay i still do the thing with my tenses! and it's always the opposite!! if i'm writing in present tense then somehow my brain automatically switches to past tense n vice versa I LITERALLY MADE THAT MISTAKE A FEW DAYS AGO i had to go back n fix all my paragraphs omfg ,,,,,,,, but i'm so happy that u were able to find an extra layer of use from my writing hahahahahah i think everyone grows into their own individual style over time!

HHAAHHA omg i don't think i could write an actual book like i LOVE the idea of it but i think my writing is more suited to fanfics eujgiseg idk it's just more fun to be apart of a fandom?? and writing is also soo personal to me i don't tell anyone that i write (i mean obvs ppl on here know) but irl i never talk abt it cuz it just feels too intimate!!

#good luck studying even tho u might have already taken ur exam by now!! #i hope it went super well tho #again TYSM #i would love to read ur writing #n: moonbeam #t: choco's letters

[neuropteran]

i’m drawn to arts reviewing for some reason and i literally have like 2 ppl reading my writing and it’s not even good/a proper review bc I feel like i don’t rlly have the knowledge to put art in historical perspective so like. It all literally doesn’t matter but I still stress myself out abt it????

I’m trying to write like 3 paragraphs on this one piece and it’s just. I loved seeing it, but the context given by the work description (at the exhibition and on the exhibition websites) is ….. a bit all over the place and I can’t link any of the ideas it’s giving and with the actual piece and idk if it’s bc I’m stupid or it’s unclear. And, I don’t know if I feel comfortable being like “this spoke to me, but it was my own ideas and the background given doesn’t clear things up for me” bc it feels like a very sentimental piece and idk I don’t want to say that. But idk what to write or how to say it and I want to get this out to my two ppl tomorrow so I need to write it but :((((((

#literally two friends will see it why does it matter lol #But also I want integrity #dot.txt

[earthtooz]

how r u able to write sm for a fanfic and not burn out by the end of it?bcz ik when i write abt 1k words in i'm out of steam and i start writing rlly rlly badly 🫡🫡🫡

I DON’T KNOW ?!?!? i’m bred from determination and i continue out of spite so. kidding !

anyways no but a lot of the scenes for the nagi fic i had were preplanned and i was excited to write a lot of them. nagi’s also just a really good character to write bc he’s so goofy <3 and my plot was taken inspiration from another story i read so i had something to ‘base’ mine off which made it marginally easier (i didn’t copy the story, i am not a plagiariser ‼️). i think when it comes to long fics you just need to accept that sometimes you hit your limit and you can’t write anymore. a lot of the time, i would be in vc with limitlesshq or mitzimania or sixosix and i’ll be like ‘IDK IF I CAN DO THIS ANYMORE’ and give up to give myself a break. one time i didn’t write more than like… 800 words in a sitting so this fic wasn’t something i just powered through, i had to take this slow and accept my fate 😭😭😭😭😭

at that point when you’re so burnt out that you just descend into a blurb of words is so relatable 😞

anyways sorry this got so long anon, u probably didn’t ask for half the things i said 🤣😐 but i Hope you have a lovely day and take care of yourself!!

#earf’s inbox hours ✌️