#but if this happens again I won’t be able to afford treatment

[mystery-talks-chaos]

Yippee, new story!!!

__________________________

Summary:

Miles (soon to be known as Tails) has never had a family of his own...

What happens when he gets fostered one more time before meeting a specific blue blur..

------

Kemonomimi AU (They are basically human, but have animal ears and Tail/s)

Story:

Miles sat in the back seat of the car, staring at the window with blank eyes, watching as the place he thought he would call one day home faded out of sight.

 

Maybe he just wasn’t meant to have a home. Nor a family to call his own. Maybe he was just destined to be alone forever…

 

“I can’t believe it, Miles!” The caretaker driving the car said, “Even freaks like you should be able to find a home after the fifth time! You haven’t even spent a full week in that house!”

 

Miles just ducked his head and looked down, forcing himself to not speak a peep. Everyone hated it when he did. It always got him kicked out… 

 

But then again, everything he did got him kicked out.

 

“Never in my life have I seen a kid go to five homes, FIVE HOMES, and get rejected within a month! Never!” The caretaker continued rambling, throwing Miles harsh glares every few minutes through the mirror. 

 

“What made you think touching those glass cups was a good idea? Why did you decide to just randomly touch them!? Have you never seen glass before?!” Miles winced, holding back his large explanation to why he accidentally broke the glass cup. “Why do you keep messing things up?! Can you just keep your hands to yourself? Why are you such a freak? Huh?! You don’t only look like a freak, but you HAVE to get attention! You HAD to break the glass cup to get them to look at you! You couldn’t stand the fact that you are a FREAK and that NO ONE wants to see you?!”

 

…

 

And that’s how the rest of the car road went…

 

The caretaker continued rambling about how bad Miles was, while Miles just sat there still, careful to not move, nor say a word. He pretended as though the words being spat at him didn’t hurt, because it shouldn’t! He deserved it! He should have been more careful washing the dishes! He deserves the harsh treatment! He can’t do anything right!

 

That didn’t stop the acting feeling in his heart though…

 

“Starting this Monday you will be going to a new school called Chaos High,” the headmaster of the orphanage said.

 

Miles nodded obediently, showing that he was paying attention.

 

“As you can tell, this new family has high expectations for you, so don’t blow it up. You should be lucky that you were offered a home this many times, don’t ruin it this time…” The headmaster said, before excusing Miles.

 

Miles headed back with new found hope. Despite the harsh words of the headmaster, he couldn't help but think of the bright side of the situation.

 

 Maybe this family will like him and adopt him! He can’t blow this up! He would do everything asked from him without questioning! Maybe Miles wouldn’t have to grow up alone, without anyone! 

 

(Deep down, he knew this wasn’t true… If the first five homes didn’t work out, why would the sixth work?)

 

Miles went to the small closet, which was deemed to be “his room” whenever he stayed at the orphanage. Pulling out his ripped backpack, Miles started placing the few things he owned in it. 

 

After packing (which only took 5 minutes), he sat in his closet and laid against the wall, thinking.

 

He can’t afford to lose this opportunity! He already lost five, he can’t lose a sixth! He can’t always go back and forth between foster homes! This might even be the last time he gets fostered! He won’t afford to lose this chance! He can’t! 

 

Miles sighed again, his mind drifting off from his previous foster homes, to the new one… Maybe this one would be better… Maybe they won’t hate his two tails and instead like them… Maybe they would keep him if he tried hard enough…Maybe this time it will be different…

 

 

 

Spoiler: it wasn’t.

 

When his foster family arrived, Miles stood next to the headmaster, standing tall, with him back straight, but remembering to keep his gaze down…

 

That was something Miles learnt to do since he was five. He knew his place in the world, and knew better than to look up. He was taught not to look up! Not to make eye contact at all… So he didn’t.

 

He felt the harsh glare of the parents pierce through his head, but he continued to look down. After a quick introduction between the two, in which Miles took care not to say a word, the headmaster requested to speak with the parents in private. Miles took this as an opportunity to look up at the only other people left. 

 

It was a boy and a girl- adopted, Miles concluded. 

 

The two were rather average looking people. The girl was around 12. She had dark brown hair which was pulled in a ponytail, making her cat ears visible. She was also wearing a casual pink dress, with her tail appearing from below. 

 

The boy, on the other hand, seemed to be part wolf. His pitch black hair blended with the black shirt he was wearing. He also seemed to be older than the girl, around 13 or 14 if Miles had to guess.

 

One thing Miles couldn’t help but realize the two had in common was that they were wearing neat clothes, and they got to act and complain to the parents whenever they wanted without getting punished. They also didn’t seem to have any bruises or scratches, both of their skins were smooth like any other person (except Miles, himself).

 

Deep down, Miles knew that that should not have surprised him; however, through the five foster homes he has been to, if he looked the foster parents in the eye, he would have had the beating of a lifetime…

 

This also brought Miles an unforeign feeling of hope… It was childish, he knew; however, he couldn’t help but think that this family would be better and keep him! They kept the other two kids! They might keep him!

 

(He might be bringing his hopes up, but hey! What’s wrong with having wishful thinking once in a while?)

 

“Hey, what are you looking at, freak?!” The part wolf boy exclaimed.

 

Despite having always been called by the name freak, it takes Miles a second to realize that he was the one being addressed.

 

“U-uh! S-sorry… I-I w-wasn’t- I wasn’t looking a-at any-anything…” Miles managed to stutter out.

 

“Don’t lie! You were looking at me! What?! Jealous that you would never get the life I have? Well, duh!” The boy rambled, while the girl beside him nodded, paying attention to the conversation. She wore the same disgusted look as her brother… The look Miles had seen too many people wear when looking at him. “If you think that my parents are fostering you to love you, then you are wrong! They won’t love you! And I hate the fact that they want to foster you!”

 

Miles looked down in shame. In all honesty, he knew that was true… It was why most people fostered him… They get more money for fostering a freak, than they get for fostering a normal person… But that still didn’t remove the feeling of hurt he was feeling deep down…

 

 

When Miles first arrived at his new home he learned that he was expected to call the parents Mr and Mrs. Evans, and that the name of their son and daughter (who turned out to indeed be adopted) was Charlie and Lilly. 

 

He was then shown out to the small shed in the yard. At first he was confused to why he was brought out there; however, Mrs. Evans then explained to him.

 

“Things will work differently around here. This,” she said while opening the door, revealing a small dark, bare room. The room was empty in exception of the blanket that was laid on the floor. “Is going to be your room. You are not to leave it at all at night. I wake up around eight in the morning, and the rest around half an hour later. When I’m awake, I expect the whole house to be cleaned. 

 

“Your school, as I believe that orphanage headmaster told you, is Chaos High, and it starts at nine. You will start tomorrow, and should see the principle there. Here is the letter with everything you should know." Miles gently took the note, seeing that he will have to read it later.

 

"And do we offer you food? Only once a day for the first week. After that we will give you some money which you will be responsible for. You are also expected to keep the house clean when you are here. But I don't want to see your face too often, you understand?"

 

Miles simply nodded, before the woman decided to go back into the house leaving Miles outside alone. It was only when she left did a small smile appear on his face. 

 

He can do this… Starting tomorrow he will do everything expected from him, with no question and to the best of his ability! He won't lose this chance! He can't! 

 

Who cares if he has to wake up earlier than normal? Or not enough food to satisfy his stomach. 

 

Exactly! No one! This is why he will give this chance! 

 

He can't! 

 

…He won't…

#sonic #sonic the hedgehog #sonic fandom #my profile picture is tails! #cute tails #sonic & tails #sonic and tails #miles tails prower #tails the fox #human tails #human sonic #human au #high school au #other tags to be added i guess #ao3 writer #mystery #mystery writes #mystery08my #mysterywrites

[cross-my-heartt]

Crosshair’s ‘rise and fall’ in the Empire

Episode three: Replacements

(This is part two to this post where I explain what this series is about, please check that out if you’re interested.)

Finally found the time to write this! Now, episode three is really cool. We get a lot of important exposition from the conversations between Rampart and Tarkin but more importantly we get Crosshair being present for one of those conversations which gives us more insight into his perspective on things going forward.

Crosshair’s first scene in this episode opens with him waking up after a chip enhancement procedure. This removes some of the responsibility he carries for his actions later on in the episode but as we’ve said before, it doesn’t mean he won’t have his memories from the time he was under the chip’s control.  

Shortly after this he’s walking alongside Nala Se, Rampart and Tarkin and is witness to the following conversation:

Rampart: A strong ruling government requires an increase in soldiers to maintain order throughout the galaxy. Nala Se: Our facilities are fully capable of creating more clones for the task. Rampart: Sustaining such a vast engagement is not one clones must do alone. There are other ways of producing loyal soldiers. May I present our first Elite Squad: top soldiers from across the galaxy. Imagine more squads like this being trained by skilled clones. Together they would make a formidable army. Tarkin: A partnership such as this could have promise. Rampart: I believe it will strengthen the future of this burgeoning Empire.

Note the wording here: an increase in soldiers, not a replacement. A task the clones can’t do alone, squads being trained by clones, together, partnership. All of this suggests that the clones are still needed by the Empire or that at the very least, the Empire still has use for them. Use being a key word here.

Not only that, Crosshair is currently being put in charge of the first elite squad, made up of the Empire’s top recruits. He’s being entrusted with the Empire’s supposed best while being promoted to the rank of Commander (the benefits of which we’ll see on Bracca).

All of this is a significant step up from his previous position and all he has to do in order to solidify that position is follow orders.

Before we get there though, there’s a brief moment where one of his subordinates mouths off to him in the shuttle:

This is some great foreshadowing for the future but having seen Aftermath, we can also draw some parallels between what we see here and what we already know.

Once again, this treatment is nothing new. Whether it’s the regs’ disdain for the batch as different defective clones or the natborns' derision for clones in general, it’s no surprise Crosshair doesn’t react in any way here. He’s used to this.

And ironically, being numb to such treatment is probably what blinds him to the forewarning it serves as; to how he’s going to be treated and eventually discarded in the future.

(Another little detail I’d like to point out: it’s definitely no coincidence that ES-01 is the one who taunts Crosshair here and later gets shot for disobeying him. Almost like a sinister implication that Crosshair finally has the power to silence those that look down on him. Of course that's not why he did it but it does look like some clever subtext on the writers’ part.)

Next we have Onderon and we all know what happens there.

The chip may have a hand or two on the steering wheel but in a way, Crosshair is given the chance to avoid what happened to the batch the first time around and he certainly corrects that.

To put it simply, this is Crosshair’s first taste of the control he has over his own fate while being in charge. Or more specifically – while he’s able to exercise the power the Empire has put into his hands.

Something that will become more and more clear with every episode where he uses his authority and the wiggle room his new position affords him to twist the situation into his own and the batch’s advantage.

Follow orders, reap the rewards. The chip talking? Or the person behind it? Who knows.

We next see his squad return to Kamino and Rampart promptly glossing over ES-01’s absence. And to Crosshair, who is already established as seeing the Empire and the Republic as one and the same, this is likely also very familiar:

The Empire, like the Republic, doesn’t seem to care how things are accomplished as long as they are. The Repulic tolerated the batch’s unorthodox methods as long as they achieved their mission objective.

Of course we as an audience know that the Republic would have objected to what happened on Onderon but Crosshair’s morality as well as what he thinks of the Republic’s morality are both wonky at this point.

Rampart and Tarkin acknowledge Crosshair’s success and his position in the Empire is solidified. His squad seem more obedient than before, following at a nod of his head.

There’s another conversation between Tarkin and Rampart, this one more telling of the Empire’s future intentions for the clones:

but this one notably happens out of earshot.

All in all, Replacements establishes several things for Crosshair: that the Empire seemingly still has use for the clones, that it offers an even more secure position for clones like him, that said position comes with a considerable degree of influence and control and that following orders, whatever he might think of those orders, pays off.

A very good start, one might say.

(And now for tags! @nobody-expects-the-inquisitorius @lightwise Don't hesitate to say if you'd like to be added.)

#the bad batch #tbb #tbb crosshair #tbb meta #my meta

[cynicalone94]

Leave Me Alone

**Trigger warning for discussion of past child abuse**

Voight scans the crime scene.

The murder of a witness is a big deal and the DA’s office is begging them to figure out who killed him. And fast.

“Halstead, Upton talk to the widow.” he orders. “Burgess, -”

“Sarge.”

He freezes at the quiet interruption from his lead detective, turning to the man with a raised eyebrow.

“I can’t interview her.” Halstead says, staring past him to the woman standing with a pair of patrol officers.

“You wanna tell me why?”

“I can’t..” Halstead shakes his head, a sheen of sweat covering his forehead. “I can’t.”

He turns and races toward the truck. Voight nods for his partner to check on him and then returns his attention to the scene.

After assigning out tasks, he heads over to talk to the widow himself.

Jay Halstead doesn’t scare easily and he wants to know what this woman had done to his kid.

Jay hears Hailey climb up into the passenger seat of the truck as he sits there, staring at the dashboard and trying to will the past to go back to where it belongs.

He’d never expected to see Katie Springer again.

Now he can’t contain the panicked memories of the past, of some of his earliest trauma, faced when he was still too young to have any defenses built up.

“Jay?” Hailey says quietly. “Are you okay.”

He just shakes his head.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

No.

“Is there anything that I should tell Voight about her? For the case?”

He shrugs.

The last time he’d even heard her name, he’d been eight years old. He hasn’t exactly kept up on her life.

“Jay? Who is she?”

“Leave me alone.” he begs. “Please. Just leave it alone.”

“Okay.” she says. “What do you need?”

“Can we just… get back to work?” he says after a long moment and she nods.

“I’ll check with Voight and see where he wants us.” she says, brushing her hand over his shoulder.

He flinches away from her and she grits her teeth.

Voight needs to keep her away the grieving widow too.

Complicated as it is by the fact that neither detective on the team will even look at their victim’s widow, they solve the case.

They’re able to tie the man’s death to the man that he’d been scheduled to testify against, making the DA’s office very happy.

The only remaining question is what do they do about Katherine Wellman?

Voight calls Hailey into his office to discuss it.

“He won’t talk to me.” she says, twisting her hands. “Anytime I try to ask him what the deal is he just shuts down, begs me to leave him alone. I don’t like it Voight.”

“I don’t either.” he says, shaking his head. “But he isn’t the only one who knows what happened. And now that the case is closed, I can ask her about it.”

Hailey agrees to the plan and an hour later, they’re sitting in the Wellman living room.

“I wondered how long it would take you to ask me.” Katherine says with a wry smile. “I didn’t recognize him at first. It’s been almost thirty years.”

“You want to tell me what happened?” Voight presses.

“I was a bitch.” she says. “I was fourteen years old and so selfish. So stupid.”

Voight doesn’t say anything.

She is ready to talk and doesn’t need any more prompting.

“Jay was practically a baby when his mom got sick. Just five years old. My mom was friends with Eileen and she knew they needed help. Eileen spent so much time in the hospital and in for treatments. And they couldn’t afford for Patrick to take time off work to stay with the boys or to pay for a sitter. They were drowning in hospital bills. So my mom volunteered me.”

“Without talking to you?” Voight questions.

“I was dating an older guy.” Katherine says. “Mom didn’t like him and wanted me to stay away from him. So I got volunteered to babysit a five and eight year old for free. It wasn’t so bad. I picked the boys up and walked them home from school. Then I did my homework while they played in their rooms, fed them dinner and then got them into bed.”

“When you wanted to be somewhere else?” Hailey asks.

“Yeah.” Katherine agrees. “But that wasn’t the worst of it. Jay… his mom had had to take him with her to one of her appointments because she didn’t have any choice. And he… saw something. I never knew what it was other than that he’d slipped away from the nurse who’d offered to watch him and that he hadn’t stopped crying for days afterward.”

“Babysitting a traumatized little boy is a lot for a fourteen year old.” Voight says.

“Don’t.. pity me.” Katherine says, shaking her head. “I should have told an adult that I was overwhelmed. Instead I… I complained to my boyfriend. I whined endlessly about how hard it was to have him waking up crying every single night. How hard it was for me.”

“And he had a solution?”

“Oscar was a jerk.” Katherine says. “But he was older and he was interested in me and I thought he was hot. When he suggested gagging Jay when I tucked him into bed I told him I wasn’t going to do that. But over the next week or so he kept suggesting it and Jay kept waking up crying. And I was losing hours of sleep every night trying to calm him down and get him back to sleep and I was exhausted so one night I… I tied one of the scarves that his mom kept around the house to cover up the hair loss in his mouth and told him he had to leave it there so he wouldn’t wake Will up anymore.”

“And then you kept doing it?” Hailey asks.

She’s trying hard to keep the sympathetic tone in her voice but it’s obvious that, as the details of what this woman had done to her partner are starting to unfold, anger is beginning to take over.

“Not every night, not at first.” Katherine says. “But once I’d done it once it got easier. And when I didn’t for a few days the lack of sleep would make me cranky, angry. It had been about a week that I hadn’t before the first time that he took it off. I woke up to him crying and I was confused because I knew I’d gagged him and I… when I went into his room he was crying. Said that he didn’t feel well and it had gotten hard to breathe. But I was tired and a selfish bitch so I tied the scarf back in his mouth and used a second one to tie his hands so he couldn’t take it out again. And then I went back to sleep.”

Katherine is crying now but Hailey is having a hard time finding any sympathy for her.

She’d tied up a crying, sick five year old and then left him to face his nightmares alone.

“That went on for a couple of months.” Katherine says. “And then one night Oscar showed up after I put the kids to bed. I thought he wanted to spend some time with me but he was more interested in Jay. And he… he started burning him with a cigar. I begged him to stop but he wouldn’t. I grabbed my phone to call… I don’t know, the police or my mom. That’s when Oscar told me that if I told anyone he would tell them what I’d done. That he’d say that it was me who burned him.”

“So you let him keep doing it.” Voight concludes, face steely.

“Yes.” Katherine admits. “For weeks. He would burn him and cut him and Jay would just cry the whole time. Until… one night he didn’t. He just laid there and didn’t make a sound the entire time. I called the police in the morning.”

“Did they know what you did?” Hailey asks.

“I admitted to everything.” she insists. “I got a deal in exchange for testifying against Oscar. It was expunged after I turned eighteen and there were no other charges but I… I know how badly I screwed up. Pat and Eileen trusted me with the most important things in their lives and I treated one of them with completely unforgivable cruelty.”

“Did you ever do anything to Will?” Voight asks.

“No.” she says. “He… he never cried or even woke up in the night. I don’t think he even knows what I did. I saw him at a church thing a few months later and he asked why I wasn’t watching them anymore. I didn’t even get the chance to answer him before Eileen showed up. And the look she gave me. I didn’t know it was possible to feel more guilty than I did then. Until I saw Jay the other day. Until I realized who he was and why he was looking at me that way.”

Hailey just raises an eyebrow as the woman looks at her.

“I’ll never be able to make up for what I did.” Katherine says. “I was stupid, selfish, immature and I will never forgive myself. I don’t expect you too either. That’s not why I’ve told you about what happened. I know how much seeing me again must have hurt him. He needs someone and you need to know what you’re helping him with.”

Hailey has heard enough.

She doesn’t know if she buys the woman’s remorse but she is right about one thing.

Her partner needs her.

Jay’s been a detective too long to not know the second he opens the door that Hailey knows everything.

“Come in.” he says, stepping back.

Hailey heads for his kitchen, wasting no time arranging their usual glasses of whiskey.

“How much do you know?” he asks, picking up his glass.

“Voight and I talked to Katherine.” Hailey tells him. “She told us everything she did to you and everything she let her boyfriend do to you.”

He nods, taking a gulp of the whiskey.

“I’m sorry, Jay.” she says, using holding her own glass to keep from reaching out for him.

“It was a long time ago.” he says.

“You were five.” Hailey says. “And you trusted her.”

“She was pretty cool.” Jay says, looking up at her. “She used to play with me at church functions when I was like two or three. Some of my earliest memories are of my mom talking to someone and she’d come over and play peek-a-boo. I was pretty excited mom told us that she was going to be watching us.”

Hailey’s stomach clenches. That knowledge only makes things worse.

“I thought she was actually trying to help me at first.” he admits. “I didn’t understand how but I… I thought she was my friend.”

“Why not say something when you realized?” she asks gently.

“Mom and dad needed her.” he says. “They couldn’t afford to pay someone to watch us. I’d heard mom say that Katie was a godsend. I knew that Will was losing sleep. And I heard Katie crying a couple times. I knew how tired she was, how hard my nightmares were on her.”

“You blamed yourself.” Hailey fills in.

“I was enough trouble.” Jay says. “For everyone. I didn’t want to be any more.”

“Oh Jay.” Hailey says, setting down her glass and stepping toward him.

“I know it’s not true now.” he says as she reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder. “But back then it felt like I just needed to shut my mouth.”

With a sob, Hailey pulls her partner into a tight hug.

“I’m not going to insult you by pretending you’re never any trouble.” she whispers. “There isn’t a person alive that doesn’t cause trouble from time to time and we both know that. But you are worth every bit of it, you hear me? You are worth everything.”

He hugs her back, letting his face rest against her shoulder.

#whumptober 2023 #no.17 #leave me alone #Chicago PD #fic #past child abuse tw #Jay Halstead

[sinister--potato]

Ziggy update 7/08

Today is day twenty of the GS treatment and baby boy’s doing much better!

He still has liver and kidney issues, but we’re treating them too and the vets are cautiously optimistic.

He’s supposed to get blood tests done at the first month mark, but I don’t know how I’m going to afford them, every cent goes to the GS vials and we’re still behind with paying for five of them. The awesome man that’s helping us isn’t pressuring me but still, in order to get the next five vials I should at least pay for the previous ones. I’m putting all my money together and I’ll have enough for two, I really hope he keeps being understanding, because the medicine IS, indeed, working.

I can barely believe it’s the same yellow half-dead cat that wouldn’t eat for days, I’m so happy and yet I’m terrified that we might not be able to finish the treatment. I just hope I get at least a part of my monthly salary so I can cover the vet bills and the medicine.

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to do the injections myself so we can at least save some money from daily vet visits but the one time I tried the asthma went crazy, I don’t even know why! I won’t try again because if anything happens to me there’s literally no one to take care of Ziggy and the rest of the zoo.

Whatever happens we’ll keep fighting!

A huge thank you to everyone who help and spread this, you’re all awesome! ❤❤❤

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#Ziggy #help Ziggy #cats of tumblr

[valkyriesexual]

well, the slate of absolute shit coming out of the supreme court is wholly expected and still fucking heartbreaking.  there’s been a huge number of devastating decisions.  capped off by the final stake to the fucking heart, dobbs.

knowing that it was probably going to happen in 2015, when Mitch McConnell refused to hold a vote on Obama’s SCOTUS nominee, and 100% etched-in-stone-style guaranteed to happen when Hillary Clinton lost to Donald Trump, and there was nothing we could realistically do to stop it....

knowing its inevitability doesn’t lessen the impact tonight. i cried reading an LA times article covering the exact moment the news came down in a Texas abortion clinic.

the four female attorneys were all in the office today, and we just stood around, unable to offer any words of comfort or solace to each other, because we know, we fucking know who is going to suffer the most.

my heart tonight is with all the women that will bear the brunt of this decision. the incarcerated women who do not have the option to travel to receive potentially life-saving medical treatment.  the poor women who cannot afford to travel.  the domestic violence victims who could - maybe - sneak away from their abuser for a few hours but won’t be able to leave for days to seek medical care in another state.  the black women who already face a staggering maternal mortality rate who will now be forced to carry pregnancies, including in high risk cases, to term. the women who will die because of a botched illicit procedure. the women who will die in childbirth. the women who will be forced into a life of poverty, will be unable to complete their education, who will lose professional opportunities, will be tethered to their fucking abuser for the rest of their lives because they were forced to bear his child.

in 2016, i told some fucking men to their face that their decision to vote for trump for the lolz meant that they just stripped women of a constitutional right to bodily autonomy.  when kavanaugh was confirmed, i said it again. roe is dead.  and these men had the fucking gall to tell me that i was over-reacting.  no, motherfuckers, i was right.  women, who have been sounding the fucking alarm for YEARS, begging for protective legislative action for YEARS, were fucking right.

and make no mistake, these motherfuckers aren’t done.  soon, fetal personhood movements will sweep the states, and this fucking unhinged right-wing extremist version of SCOTUS could grant fetuses a protected status. and once that happens, it’s a hop and skip to a nationwide ban.  we are not safe, even those of us with the privilege to live in liberal enclaves in california and new york. 

i wish i had the capacity to share helpful links and research and resources, but the only thing i have capacity for tonight is rage.

#pro choice #dobbs #scotus #lawblr

[saijspellhart]

Wow things have been crazy,

Finished out my first week full time at my new job. I’m still nervous. And it’s still a bit overwhelming. But I’m learning and improving.

We had a pipe burst under our house and we were without water for nearly a whole week. Couldn’t shower, flush toilets, cook, nothing. Broke as fuck, and trying to get by without water is… very stressful. Had to buy jugs of water from the store to wash hands and ration it for other uses.

We managed to get that pipe fixed, but there is still a pipe in my shower that is busted and leaking. And honestly just a million other small home repairs that we cannot afford but need.

Got some family drama/stress happening. My eldest brother is being stupid about his diabetes and I’m worried about him.

Friend drama happening. (I don’t want to get into that. But is better now.)

On top of all that, still got my medical problems I’m always dealing with. I’m chronically and incurably sick. Got an autoimmune disease, coupled with mental health problems. Which means even my best functioning and most active days, are still the bottom of the barrel days for normal healthy people. But I’m trying so very hard.

Suffice to say, I’m dirt poor, barely scraping by, and there is a mountain of stress smothering me.

Which is why I’ve been quite absent, and not updating anything. I feel like an understuffed plushie, with seams made of cotton candy, and I’m slowly coming apart and struggling to hold my pieces together. But there’s not enough stuffing in me either so I’m lacking any structural support. So I just fall limply on the ground and come apart.

But there is good news

I made new friends at my new job. Real in person friends. The last time I had an in-person friend, who lived close by, I lost them to cancer. So this is huge for me. I’m extremely excited and happy. And I hope to spoil these new friends rotten. -tentatively have my fingers crossed that it’s good lasting friendship-

I won’t be dirt poor anymore! This new job will effectively triple my previous income. And it won’t be as physically demanding or exhausting as my previous job. I won’t risk another back injury like the one that had me bedridden for nearly a month this summer. Plus new job comes with benefits, vacation time and stuff. And the hours match my husband’s work hours better, so we aren’t struggling with opposite schedules anymore.

My husband and I’s sleep schedules finally align.

I will be able to get treatment for my illness again so my body does not continue to deteriorate! Huzzah!

We fixed the burst pipe under my house so I have running water again!

We’ll be able to afford small home repairs, and take the steps to return our house to a more liveable state. This will give me a more mentally positivity living conditions.

Eventually I’ll be able to see my therapist again. (Yay mental health love and care)

I’ll be able to afford some clothes, (it’s hard to find clothes from a thrift store when you are big and very tall.) shoes, gas for the car, car repairs, finish getting my drivers license, basically all the small things I did without because… very poor.

Just… there has been so much going on. And it’s been everything I have to hold myself together.

Thank you to everyone who has been patient with me. Thank you to everyone who has been so friendly and supportive. Thank you to everyone who helped me out when things really went to shit for me. (So many of you came through and leant a helping hand.)

I feel like I’m finally reaching a point in my life where I can put some stuffing back inside, and begin stitching myself back together with some proper thread.

Thanks, you beautiful people.

#life update

[luminaartanddrawings]

(Clic for better quality)

This is my rottmnt oc that I decided to finally post!

I haven’t fully developed her backstory yet, but this is what I thought of so far (edit):

Name: ‘Nori’ Chi Liên Nguyễn

Species: Selkie

Ethnicity: Asian American (Vietnamese)

Likes: Salmon, snickerdoodles, music, bubble tea, art, kimchi fries

Dislikes: bean sprouts, bell peppers, angry yelling/arguments, jumpscares

Additional info

Has a third eyelid (going sideways, like a seal).

Eyes seem black but when lights shine on it, it’s actually brown.

Her seal coat can change styles. Doesn’t know how, she just can.

If she’s wears/tied her coat around her waist and changes, she can become a mer-seal.

Can sees injuries (similar to Farma in ‘Parallel world pharmacy’) and mystic cores/energy (from the movie). It’s how she can discern what medical treatment people need. Whether physically or magically.

Sometimes gets visions of the near future or past events of other people lives while she sleeps. It’s often hard to tell if it’s a dream or a vision (has no control of it).

Doesn’t remember everything in the visions most of the time.

Sometimes draws her visions/dreams, when she’s wants to remember it, or is artistically inspired by it.

Learns potions and other stuff from dad, since he used to make & sell them at Witch town. (Also sells potion ingredients there).

Her dad wanted her to take over his business when he retires.

Has a small notebook of his recipes, since she has trouble memorizing all of it (also has doodles of the ingredients).

Her family’s store is barely able to keep up with the competitors. Therefore, they can’t afford certain luxury items, but aren’t exactly poor.

Her family used to tease her by nicknaming her Squeakers.

Doesn’t use her last name anymore since she doesn’t consider herself good enough to use it.

Backstory (draft):

Lived a decent happy life in the beginning. Until her parents started to arguing with each other. As a kid, she got scared and didn’t understand why they’re fighting. When they stopped, she shrugged it off, thinking that it won’t happen again.

It used to be just once in a while, but got worse as time goes on. She would always hide in her room, bury herself under the blankets, and put on her headphones to listen to music on high volume. Chí Liên tries to keep her crying as quite as possible.

Sometimes wonders if it was her fault, as they’re arguments would mainly be about Chí Liên.

She never asked anyone for help, cause she worries it would make it worse somehow.

One day she had enough and wrote a letter to them. Apologizing for not de-escalating their conflicts, instead of running away, and hoping that their lives are better and easier now that’s she’s gone. Packing up things she needs to survive and some personal stuff, she quietly left her home in the middle of the night.

Wanders around the hidden city for awhile, but went up topside for some reason and found the Grand Nexus hotel. Needing a place to stay for a bit, she snuck in and accidentally made the guests think the place was haunted. Then things happened which resulted in being tricked by Big Mama, her seal coat taken away to the vault, and now works as a medic for the fighters of the arena.

—————

During the episode ‘Bug busters’ she took her chance to stealthily get her coat back, then grabs her backpack and runs away.

Or

She got her coat back, but couldn’t muster the courage to run away and feels guilty for leaving the fighters that will need medical help from their battles

#rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt oc #rise oc #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #mon dessin #my art

[okunainoneko]

A Disability Ramble

I’m writing this after struggling mightily to get under the covers and onto a heating pad. My Christmas present to myself will be a full-length heating pad and a new pair of compression gloves. The evidence is stacking up to support the theory that my unbearable joint pain is autoimmune. I’ve had it for years and written it off as part of my hEDS, but I don’t think that’s all that’s going on anymore. What’s happening to me (yes, more than “just” joint pain) matches up to what I’m reading both in medical and nonprofit literature about rheumatoid arthritis and anecdotal accounts. I have a bunch of risk factors, too, including a strong immediate family history of autoimmune disease. 

But I’m terrified to even try to get answers. Getting my hEDS diagnosis was a nightmare. Doctor after doctor dismissed everything I said. Openly laughed or rolled their eyes. Flat out lied, claiming there was no condition on Earth that could cause [X symptoms at the same time]. Told me I obviously had OCD (I do not). Anxiety (again, no). It was so demoralizing and humiliating and exhausting. And expensive. Years of dead-end specialist appointments, lab and imaging results no one even looked at, all resulting in crushing medical debt that is still ruining my credit to this day. I don’t like to label things as “traumatic,” because I think that word is bandied about way too much right now, but...it was. And it continues to be. My current PCP doesn’t believe that I have dysautonomia, despite my failing a tilt test before she met me, so she randomly “forgets” to authorize refills for my beta blocker...

I haven’t been able to access any interventions for my hEDS. No doctor, including the one who ultimately diagnosed me, has been willing to prescribe anything. PT, OT, braces, nothing. When Mobic and Toradol proved ineffective for pain management, that was it. If those didn’t work, I was clearly faking. The only thing I’ve ever been treated for was one of my three herniated discs. I’ve had two surgeries to correct it, but Medicaid denied any treatment beyond PT (ineffective) for the other two, so I can walk again, but everyday activities and my job (which is very ambulatory) are still agonizing for my spine alone. So while there are management and progression-arresting options for RA, if that’s in fact what I have, I don’t really have any hope that I’ll be offered any of them. 

Or that, if I am, I’ll be able to afford them. I don’t have insurance right now (currently navigating the treacherous and labyrinthine process of applying for Medicaid) and if I am converted to full-time at my job and offered benefits, those benefits are notoriously terrible. Practically worse than no benefits at all. 

I want help, but I don’t want to crawl through burning hoops in a gas-filled dungeon to get it. I’m afraid that initial bloodwork won’t show undeniable signs (it didn’t for my family members) and that doctors will, in their characteristic fashion, throw up their hands and say, “I believe you think you’re in pain--maybe you should see a therapist.” I can’t take that again. I just can’t. It’s a horrible position to be in, even without introducing any demographic issues at all. I’m tired and sad just thinking about it, but then, I’m tired and sad all the time, so what’s the difference?

#personal #logorrhea #disability #neisvoid #autoimmune #arthritis #rheumatoid arthritis #heds #chronic pain

[kana-muchi-midori]

Whoops, how did he die in this AU? iirc you said middy started drinking after masa died

ohhhhhh

So… the lore has changed 🙃

TW: Domestic violence, rape, and a suicide attempt.

So Middy finds Short Bitch somehow and she remarries him and introduces him to Hanako and Akira, who are toddlers atm. (Keep in mind I’m still figuring lore out for the AU so things are a bit choppy)

However, even with a two and four year old tagged along, Short Bitch still abuses the crap out of Middy.

He drags her along to several circuses before eventually settling down in a suburban.

Have you’ve seen that one official artwork me on my side blog and @g0rechan rb’d of Masa mutilating what looks like an adult Midori? I’ll rb it after this post but it really intrigued me, so I HC that Middy was secretly trying to escape Masa to build a better life for her and her children. She auditions as an actor for a new upcoming movie and ALMOST gets the role… until Masa finds out and yeah… you can see what happens next. Poor Middy.

Once Midori is a full on human pretzel now, Masa does the thang and then Sakura gets conceived. Yyyayyyyyy /S

Where Hanako and Akira were idk.

So once Middy is preggers for like the millionth time is when her and Masa settle down in a normal home.

So the thing is that Masa is not only a horrible husband, he is a even more horrible step-father.

He’s the kind of dad that thinks being a family man means going to work, bringing home enough money to put food on the table, rinse and repeat. He does literally NOTHING to help Middy raise her kids smh. You know those memes of the dads at restaurants thinking about how relaxing it is and wondering why their wives won’t enjoy it meanwhile the wives are being nagged by eight million kids? Yeah, that’s Masa’s parenting skills.

He was the exact opposite of a gentle parent. He was so harsh towards H and A. When Middy disciplined her kiddos, she explained to them why it was wrong and talked it out with them, a serious punishment would only be if the kids kept repeating the same actions no matter what or if they committed straight up crimes. Masa just went to literally beating the crap out of them. Like god damn little dude your oldest is not even five 😭😭😭

Kind of a funny HC but I imagine when Masa was too lazy to deal with the kids under his watch, he’d shove them in a bottle and then continue on with his day lmao.

Middy, heavily pregnant with a magic child and extremely hormonal, was finding Masa’s treatment towards the kids getting out of hand. She tried to maturely talk it out with him, thinking that maybe he’ll understand.

Omggggg Masa was so dramatic during that argument. “wELL I dOn’T kNoW wHy yOu’Re mAkInG sUcH a biG dEaL oUt oF tHiS–yOu kNoW wHaT FINE. I’M NEVER GONNA HELP U TAKE CARE OF THEM AGAIN YOU KNOW WHAT IM NEVER GONNA SEE THEM AGAIN.”

Like damn bitch you know smths up when a literal 18 year old with severe trauma is better at raising kids and arguing then like a 50 smth year old.

He then proceeded to use black magic on her to make her hallucinate her body twisting and mutilating and then see fetus Sakura burst out her belly and mutilate too.

H and A–guessing by how much cash Masa made with his magic performance–I’m going to assume they had a nanny. The nanny and kids come in wondering wtf just happened and Masa’s just like “I’m going away for a while. Goodbye.” Then… yeah. He never come back.

Midori is literally days away from giving birth now and with her husband missing and her having no job, things are difficult to manage with being able to afford the house and the nanny and the two soon-to-be three kids Midori full on goes on a psychosis episode. I would go as far as to say it was worse then her behavior in the end of the movie. Middy goes out one night to attempt suicide but survives.

I have no idea what to write next in the story but I’ll update ya once I get the ideas. As for where Masa goes? Well god knows. Either doing the same shit with some other little girl in some other country, dead, or maybe he’s playing with his demon friends in hell /j.

#I hope this made you hate Masa even more because it sure did for me #Shoujo tsubaki #shoujo tsubaki fankiddies #tokkuriji hanako #Akira hanamura #Wonder sakura

[diagnosedbiologicalfailure]

tw: needles

Today is Injection Day. 

I haven’t been injecting for that long, honestly. I had about six months of it, and then my rheumatologist didn’t sign the PA for another six months or tell me for two that I needed another TB test (I guess I have to have that every year to renew treatment? I don’t know, he doesn’t tell me anything), and then I moved to another state, and so I didn’t have it for almost a year of all of that combined and now this is my second injection back on it. 

I am okay with it every day but Injection Day. I am badass, I am metal, I am punk, I am Taken Seriously, I am brave enough to stab myself with a needle full of liquid that may or may not hurt going in for 15 seconds (this new formula isn’t supposed to hurt, I never had to suffer the original one), and then I put a cool space band-aid on it (from a brand that is so expensive but I have to use because normal band-aids rip my skin off, and I need something cute or pretty in order to deal with injecting), and for three or four days after the injection spot will itch like crazy and it will feel like I’m carving holes into my skin from scratching so hard and so often. A black hole of itchiness. 

But my spine will not fuse. Not if it itches. Not if I take this medication as directed every two weeks for the rest of my life. 

I am only angry on Injection Days. 

Angry that this is how I have to bear the brunt of the trauma of my life up until now. Angry that I don’t get to be like everyone else, that this is the manifestation I have to be worried about now. Angry that doctors can take this away by not bothering to do their job. Angry that I can’t travel without thinking of if I can take my medication or how to bring it or worry over if it’s frozen or thawed or unusable or how I’m going to keep it refrigerated or how I have to keep track of time to take it and which leg I took it on last and call to get it refilled and how to pick it up or have it shipped because I am not allowed to fill it at my normal pharmacy or how to afford it when the copay assistance program runs out. 

How I hurt when I can’t have it, the hell of going back into constant flares. 

How I can’t sleep through the night if I stop taking it from the pain and stiffness in my back and my hips. How my ribs get so stiff that I can’t breathe, how I roll onto the floor from my bed (I have to always make sure I can roll onto the floor from my bed) and stop breathing just from the pain in my back that even Prednisone and hot showers can’t take away. How I feel it in my hands first, and how I can't even pull a blanket onto me because of the pain.

I am fucking livid on Injection Days because I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. I don’t want this to be my life. Injecting myself every other week and not being able to do anything else about it. An endless cycle of get it out of the fridge an hour before to warm it up, that’s supposed to make it hurt less-find a spot that won’t hurt to pierce-prep-dry-look at the liquid, is the liquid clear, is the liquid safe-pinch skin with aching, shaking, unsteady hEDS hands-press to skin-hold finger on button-hyperventilate-please god don’t mess this up-press the button-press the button-press the goddamn button-press the fucking button-press the button-wait-wait-wait-is it 15 seconds yet-lift-is the yellow indicator visible-did you do it correctly it’s so simple you dumb fuck-hope the medication made it in you-should you be worried about the drop on your skin-bandaid-wait-there it is, the itchiness, thank god, that means it worked-itch-itch-itch-okay good you finally stopped itching-time to do it again.

There is a patient at the physical therapy clinic I work at who took my same biologic for a different autoimmune disease and it gave him yet another autoimmune disease. He is younger than me (and I am still young) and cannot walk. I am worried that one day it might happen to me. It could, just as easily as the medication could help me keep the disease at bay. Not cure it, never cure it. Just keep it from disintegrating the function of my spine and fusing it into a stick of bamboo. That’s what they call it: bamboo spine.

I am so tired of the loneliness of this experience. Of what it means for me in a pandemic that no one else cares about anymore. I am scared, and lonely, and I don’t want to inject myself anymore. But this is it. This is the rest of my life. It’s too unfair to be bearable.

And I’m angry. Not just because I have to do it. 

But because it will never, ever end.

#a talking kat #tw needles #ankylosing spondylitis #sorry i'm just having Feelings today and it is incredibly lonely #hEDS #as AND heds because unlike hannah montana it's the worst of both worlds

[missussnarky]

Yesterday was difficult, and I say that as one who’s struggled with eating disorder (obesity), cptsd, anxiety, and major depression for decades now. No, yesterday I discovered there may be an additional struggle added to my roster of shit-I-gotta-somehow-cope-with: perimenopause.

I hurt my foot to the point of inability to walk without a cane or walker in 2020. I won’t get into the details of it here, but being morbidly obese was obviously making the pain worse. So, in an effort to manage the pain, over the past couple years, I’ve managed to lose roughly 100lbs through alternating rounds of calorie deficit and keto. Was super rough, especially since I still indulged my habit of binging in between. It’s significantly helped the pain, and I’m able to walk on my foot, but it’s still there, just not as severe.

The weight loss struggle was a process both inhibited and aided by a therapy for my cptsd called EMDR, which, generally defined, connects both neurospheres of the brain to help process emotional responses to stimuli with the more logical parts so immediate reactions to “triggers” are quelled as much as possible. This forced me to face feelings and thoughts I’d buried for years, thus causing me to fall back into feeding my emotions until the following therapy sessions that seemed to calm down the anxiety, so I’d get back on track again. And then…

Bills started adding up to the point our family couldn’t manage my continued treatment. So for the past 6 months, I’m only partially completed with my EMDR progress, and may even have to start over. Since, me dieting, as much as I’ve tried, has essentially failed.

Meanwhile, I’ve also been experiencing strange menstrual cycles. They’ve been mostly on time, but alternating between flows two week’s duration that require multiple packs of super plus with heavy duty pads, to mere spotting throughout a few days. Hot flashes happen at the worst times possible, of course and medications I’ve been taking for depression and anxiety has stopped working for around two years. I thought maybe I just needed adjustments, but none of the medications they gave me worked, and had side effects that I could not deal with.

Fed up, yesterday I started looking into how perimenopause can manifest, and it dawned on me that while I have all these things going on, my hormones were steadily reeking their havoc in the background undetected and unbeknownst to anyone. Can’t afford to go to the OB atm, but I was initially informed that I may have pmdd before the perimenopausal symptoms were noticeable. The cherry on top of all this, one symptom of perimenopause is increased appetite, of which has been insatiable the past few months, even with the appetite suppressant meds my GP prescribed. Great stuff.

Hopefully once I get these medical bills sorted, I can get some answers, and HOPEFULLY continue my much-needed EMDR treatments.

#cw vent #mental health #menopause #perimenopause #medication #medical bills #getting older #obesity #dieting

[ownersing7]

Three Biggest Home Advancements That Pay-Off Long-Term

Questions To Ask Yourself About Home Enhancements With regards to making some sort of home improvements you have to look at it two ways. The first way is "How lengthy do I plan in living in this particular home? How lengthy is I going in order to use and revel in typically the home improvements I actually is potentially will make to my home? Are usually value regarding the home improvements to you which you put into the particular house? " Regarding instance should you be planning to put inside of a pool, will be you going to have one seasonal yr useful out involving it or are usually you going to be able to have fun with this for some sort of long time? The particular second thing is always to ask, "How rapidly is I planning to be we have home? Am We planning to get the particular value from it if I sell typically the home? " Lots of people make the worst home improvements that finish up costing them thousands and thousands of bucks. There are different improvements to generate based on those two inquiries and the answers you give. Typically the Most Paid Off Out Of All Residence Improvements The base line is that improvements to the kitchen pay off of every time. Simply no "ifs", "ands", or even "buts" about that. That's where life occurs for some families. This kind of is where a person talk with your own family, where you appreciate dinners together, exactly where you help your kids with their research, and where many people usually gather with friends plus family. You have to actually consider, should you get hold of a lot associated with use and satisfaction out of remodeling your kitchen? The solution is, undoubtedly, yes. It is also pretty affordable to do with today's pre-fab units, etc. You will generally get some sort of kitchen remodeled regarding between $2, 000-$5, 000. Remember the majority of good memories are really made in the particular kitchen. This implies that even in case you're NOT staying inside the house, the particular improvement can pay away when you that because kitchens really are a huge selling stage. "Nickel and Dime" Home Improvements Settlement Big Fix any kind of of those blatant repair issues. These types of are the very little things that stare with you everyday regarding your life; some sort of cracked window, a new wobbly doorknob, some sort of shower door that will won't close until you lift this a certain method. Buyers see these small things just about all together and definitely will go walking away saying "I'm not going to be able to buy this home because that restoration is going to require me to pay money. " The truth is, small maintenance are inexpensive to be able to fix; however , buyers over exaggerate typically the expensive of fixing these small repairs. Whether More help|More helpful hints stay in the house or sell this, these small, manifest fixes that an individual keep postponing will certainly have to end up being done no matter what in the event that you are selling or not. The most compact of repairs can easily make a huge difference, so repair that screen in the front doorway, patch that hole in the wall exactly where the door knob hit and set some sort of door stopper throughout to keep this from happening once again. These small, "nickel and dime" fixes jump out to all those viewing your home and they can overprice what really going to expense them to resolve them. They think inside terms of "this house isn't exactly in move-in issue, " even when it truly is as well as the fixes will be literally small jobs which could take just a few moments. In the ending these small treatments can lead to be able to a sale. Next, a person want to spruce up your home so it looks good with first glance. As we said just before, little things create a big difference. Cosmetic things this sort of as new carpeting, a fresh coat of paint, plus putting fresh bark within the landscaping create a huge difference. Note; if you have virtually any pets you may want to delay until 2-3 weeks prior to deciding to put your home on the marketplace to replace the carpet. There's a saying that goes, "Big gates hang on very little hinges. " You aren't going to obtain a 90% go back on investment with one of these types of investments. Spend $10 plus get $100 back in value if you sell your home.

#audio visual installation St Albans

[system-threat-detected]

My sweet baby Lara Clawft had a Very Scary™️ asthma attack today I didn’t know cats GOT asthma! and cost me a pretty penny for the testing and medication, eating a big chunk out of my savings account. So if anyone wanted to help out, this is a reminder that my commissions ARE open, and I’m happy to draw any OCs or Fanart you want! 🙃🙏🏼

#right now I’m not hurting TOO bad for $$ #but if this happens again I won’t be able to afford treatment #so if anyone wants to help out #yeah my commissions are open #🙃🙃🙃🙃 #personal transmission detected

[spooky-activity]

My sweet baby Lara Clawft had a Very Scary™️ asthma attack today I didn’t know cats GOT asthma! and cost me a pretty penny for the testing and medication, eating a big chunk out of my savings account. So if anyone wanted to help out, this is a reminder that my commissions ARE open, and I’m happy to draw any OCs or Fanart you want! 🙃🙏🏼

#thinking about it I shouldn’t be surprised cats get asthma but #I wasn’t thinking clearly with her trying to hack up her lung and all #she scared me so bad 😭 #and I’m not like #SUPER hurting for funds but #if this happens again I won’t be able to afford the treatment 🙃

[astaroth1357]

How Often They Worry about MC…

For those who don’t know, I have a little dog named Charlie and she is a large portion of my world. There's no need to be alarmed, my dog is fine, but there are days where I hold her and all I can think about is how much I worry about her health down the line… I suppose we often do that for the people we love, particularly the ones who may not last as long as we will. Take that as inspiration if you'd like.

Lucifer 

Near constantly. 

If you tracked his blood pressure on a grid, you'd see it start to continuously rise about when he decided they were worth having in his life.

Lucifer is the eldest sibling to a whole crew of brothers so he's no stranger to worry. He worried about his brothers when they were young, he worried about them after the Fall, and he still worries about them now (even if he's less open about it).

But a part of him knows that his brothers can handle their own, at least to varying degrees. The MC, though? He's far less sure…

They've proven rather resilient, but also headstrong and reckless. Neither of which are good things to be in a place this dangerous...

If Lucifer isn't careful, he can catch himself staring at a wall or window just wondering where they are and if they're doing alright… If he called them every time he had a passing worry, their inbox would be full by the end each week.

He holds himself back because he doesn't have the time to constantly protect them, but that doesn't stop him from sending a text once or twice a day. They better respond or he'll start (secretly) panicking.

Mammon

He forgets their mortality from time to time, but every time he remembers it hits like a ton of bricks…

Mammon is a pretty "in-the-moment" person. He doesn't spend a lot of time dwelling on the future, but whenever he does the thought of losing MC always comes back to him again and again.

Like. It's gotta happen eventually, right? They're human, humans die, hell they don't even live that long to start with!

The MC can always tell when Mammon's getting worried because he'll get uncharacteristically quiet and pace around or hover by them…

Every little injury or strenuous task will suddenly seem like too much to him as well. 

If they need to carry some boxes, he'll carry them all.

If they have to jog to class, he's carrying them. 

If they so much as get a papercut, he'll have a heart attack.

It's not very hard to get Mammon out of these funks - he really does want them to reassure him that they're okay - but he's never going to get fully over it…

Not until he can steal whatever top secret immortality formula Solomon must have used anyway… He'll get it off that bastard eventually.

Leviathan

Thinks about it so often he has to actively try not to just to get any peace…

He dodges his fears for MC like a protagonist dodges lasting consequences. Every time he feels one creeping up, he's always got a distraction waiting…

"Hey where's MC at? I hope they didn't fall into the riv-OH HEY CHECK OUT THIS NEW GAME!!"

"What are they doing over there…? That looks hard, what if they bre-WAIT DIDN'T MY FAVORITE VOICE ACTOR JUST RELEASE A NEW PODCAST???"

"What if the MC dies tomorrow and they leave me all alo-DEVIL FIGHT 200! YOU CAN'T BEAT DEVIL FIGHT 200, LET’S BREAK MY HIGH SCORE!!"

Cut him some slack, his psyche cannot handle the idea of losing them on top of everything else he grapples with every day.

If, on the rare occasion, he does let himself fall down that rabbit hole he becomes extra clingy and practically begs MC not to leave his room… like ever. He'd bubble wrap them if he could.

Anytime they get really hurt or really sick he refuses to leave their side even if it means he has to awkwardly sit on the floor. He just needs to be able to glance at them every so often to be sure they're alive… Still breathing?? Phew…

Satan

He worries, preps, rationalizes, then worries again…

For Satan, knowledge is power and every scrap of information he can learn about MC is more power he can use to keep them safe and healthy.

Yes, he will want their medical history. Yes, he's going to need a list of prescriptions. Family members too. And no, you do not get a choice.

He'll read up on as many things as he can - pawn medical journals off of witches and get magical alternatives from Solomon.

The cycle usually goes: 

1. He's lying awake at night because he just heard about some terrible bacteria that makes human's skin peel off or something.

2. He does all the research he can on this bacteria, its treatment options, best prevention methods, etc.

3. Gets right about to break out the rubber booties for MC to wear around, then realizes they have a very slim chance of catching said bacteria since it's only native to incredibly remote parts of Indonesia.

4. Feels instant relief that MC will probably not catch flesh-eating bacteria and can finally sleep again…

5. Hears of some other human medical horror from Solomon and starts to worry…

It's a vicious cycle indeed… But at least he's getting a lot of medical training. Soon enough he'll be the Devildom's version of a human vet (which I guess is just a doctor, come to think of it. 🤔)

Asmodeus 

Lives so "here-and-now" that he doesn't remember often, but when he does it's always heartbreaking…

Asmo usually tries to worry about things as little as possible. It’s bad for the skin, you know? But when the MC is involved, all of that goes out the window.

Like how a delicate blossom eventually wilts in the snow, the MC is bound to leave them in time… Usually there's supposed to be something beautiful in that kind of tragedy, but perhaps he's just too close to them to find any romance in it.

The thought of their death gives him breakouts and anytime they get hurt or sick he's the first brother to offer them comfort. Every time.

Because he doesn't feel like he's as physically strong as he brothers, he tries to make up for it by minding their health in other ways. Anything to keep his MC strong and beautiful as always!

If Asmo is in a worrying mood, then he may also compensate by trying to take the MC out to a party or some fun event. Why sit around worrying by himself when he could be making memories with them now, right?

Beelzebub

It comes in waves, mostly at night.

When your thoughts throughout the day are mostly, "I wish I wasn't so hungry," it doesn't afford you a lot of time to think about much else.

In a way, it's a good thing since he experiences a lot less stress. But those worries are still there and they mostly plague his dreams…

Beel doesn’t feel hungry when he's sleeping, so a lot of his fears will make themselves known overnight. An injured or dying MC is often in his rotation of nightmares though, of course, he'd rather it not be…

After having one of these dreams, his first instinct is to always make sure the MC is okay. If they're with him, he'll hug them and check their heartbeat. If they're somewhere else, he'll go to them or shoot a text.

He has woken up without realizing his nightmare was all a dream though, and usually it's up to Belphie or MC themselves to console him while he cries… It's so heartbreaking, sweet boy just puts a lot of pressure on himself to be sure they're safe…

When he worries, it's like they're the most beautiful and expensive China set in a room full of bulls and hammers. If he could tape them to his side, he probably would. He gets scared for them that much…

Belphegor 

More scared about it than anyone else in the House.

Despite his calm demeanor, Belphie is truly afraid of losing his loved ones beneath the surface… He's already lost one of his most dear siblings before, going through that again may just break him.

Unfortunately, he's also felt just how fragile the MC is firsthand... He's not even the strongest of his brothers, yet he was able to snuff them out so easily… Who's to say someone else won't try?

Like Beel, MC's death is a recurring nightmare for him but he can usually shake off his dreams fairly well, if not change them mid-sleep. More scary is when something is actually wrong with them or they're not feeling well.

Belphie always sets his inner laziness aside for the MC when he can. If they get sick, he'll usually be right along with his family to take care of them - even if he has to skip school to do so (not that he cares about class anyway).

When he's worrying about them, he tries to play it off at first, but soon enough they'll notice him acting overly concerned and losing sleep… Best to calm him down before he starts getting cranky.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me headcanons

[nothorses]

another thing that pisses me off about the whole “do trans men have male privilege” discourse is that it’s so black and white. like the only answer can be yes we do or no we don’t. some trans men want to pass and may be able to in a way that affords us male privilege at least in some situations. some don’t care about passing or looking as masculine and won’t be perceived as men, so therefore probably won’t benefit. also i feel like a lot of the privilege side of things stem from childhood so most of us don’t get a chance there either. but like yeah treating all trans men as a monolith is shitty also nonbinary trans men exist so what about us

Yeah! Exactly!

This is why I tend to specify that "trans men don't have meaningful access to male privilege", and/or "trans men as a group don't have access to male privilege".

Because sure, you could probably rattle off some scenarios in which individual trans men have gained some momentary, situational privilege. A fully stealth white trans man could hypothetically avoid the gendered wage gap; a fully stealth white trans man could hypothetically be given preferential treatment in some jobs' hiring processes (assuming he is not outed during the background check). A fully stealth white trans men could hypothetically be treated with the respect a cis white man would be in a conversation.

You may also have trans men who feel they have access to privilege, and say they feel safer walking alone at night, feel more respected in interactions with cis people, etc.

But these things are conditional, situational, and dependent on an individual's ability to not only pass, but oftentimes to conceal their trans status indefinitely in order to not only obtain that privilege, but to maintain access to it.

What this "privilege" relies on is not the "male" part of a trans man's identity; it's the perception that cis people around them have of them as men. And cis people, as a rule, do not view trans men as men.

Sure, some individuals might say they do- and some individuals might actually see us as men. But to claim that trans men have access to male privilege is to claim that we are seen as men by cis people, by cis society, and by cissexist power sructures. Which is to claim that transphobia just fully doesn't exist for us.

Closeted white transfems may be afforded the same momentary, conditional access to male privilege; they might get preferential treatment during a hiring process, they might avoid the gendered wage gap, they might be respected more in a conversation or interaction based on their perceived gender.

But transfems don't have access to male privilege; I would argue that even those individuals don't have meaningful access to male privilege, because once again this "privilege" relies on their trans identities remaining a secret (and often comes at great personal cost to them). Whatever "privilege" they have is a lie, and as far as cis society is concerned, it's a mistake. Cis society would prefer it not happen at all.

The closet is not a privilege. Being stealth is not a privilege. If someone's "access to privilege" relies on them hiding a part of their identity that would have that privilege revoked, it isn't actually "access to privilege"- not in any way that's relevant to a conversation about the group as a whole.

#transmasc #trans men #ftm #trans #transgender #transandrophobia