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k1ngj0ve · 1 year

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short ramblings on dethklok sexuality headcanons

Pickles: knows hes attracted to men and women equally, has been in long term relationships with both. doesnt know the word 'bisexual', but probably identifies with a very outdated a region-specific term no one else remembers. simply does not mention it and views it as a part of his life thats over now because its not socially acceptable in his new friend group. this doesnt bother him because he has more tail than he knows what to do with already and isnt looking for a romantic relationship (side eyes towards nathan, who pickles views as straight and so off the table so no relationships required right now) ---> longer version of this

Nathan: Does not know hes attracted to men and women (with preference to women). he has a very vague understanding of his own attraction to anyone at all and doesnt sit around thinking about stuff like that, so someone else would have to make the first move (unfortunately pickles literally never would). Generally, this is how hes always dating/banged women, they all just present themselves to him and give him the date/fuck option and he picks one based on their outfit. Generally this is how i think he got with rebecca, she just presented herself as his girlfriend and so he didn't really have much say in the manner. Trindle seemed like someone he would fuck but he tried to shake up his own sorting system and made the wrong choice. I think Abigail strongly confused his system and thats why hes so hung up and cant read her negative signals.

Skwisgaar: knows he likes men but has a preference for women due to his breeding fetish and enjoyment of taking care of older women and showing them a good time. has fucked dudes primarily in threesomes (melmord) but has a deep yearning to experiment and try everything possible with men (the staring contest extra), but he gets embarrassed easily (anxiety) and so doesnt branch out much.

Murderface: simply can not handle his attraction to men and very much doesnt know what he would want to get out of it. hes still in that 'wrestling with himself' stage. another person for the 'youd have to make the first move' team. youd also need to make an emotional connection first, otherwise hed be liable to think its a trick. just on a personal note, i think hed be much happier with men because he doesnt seem to view women as people but deeply craves friendship and positive attention from men, i think long term he would just have healthier relationship and even casual sex with dudes. he definitely IS attracted to women though, so probably somewhat bisexual with a male leaning.

Toki: thinks all sexual attraction is kind of equally upsetting to think about, so just ignores it. the type thats a little bit in love with every single person who has ever been nice to him, so if literally anyone seemed to be matching that energy with him hed throw himself into it completely. his first ever broken heart is gonna be AWFUL . personally i think he should get that out of the way with a non dethklok person (or man specifically) just because im not really that into the 'this is my first gay experience and now we are married forever' trope. i think Nathan is kinda like that, but for toki id rather he fall in love with a klokateer or a rando that works at the cinnamon bun store first. get some 'first love' experience before getting tied down. i also for whatever reason prefer him non monogamous anyways. i want him and his eventual soulmate to have threesomes together. light and fun and free.

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marauder-exe · 4 years

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Fake Dating- Peter Parker x Stark!Reader

Request: Hi! Can you write a Stark!Reader x Peter Parker (Andrew please) were they’re fake dating because May was starting to catch onto the Spider-Man gig? They end up catching feelings and are scared to admit it? I hope this made sense! Thank you!

Word Count: 1.5k

A/N; id love some feedback on this! and let me know if youd like a part 2

“So, let me get this straight” Peter nodded for you to continue “You want to fake date?” He nodded again. You gave him a questioning look. “Care to explain or no?”.

“Right, right. So, Aunt May is starting to catch on. The other day, I came home all dirty from helping people and she looked at me like I just killed someone. So, you know about the spiderman thing so that's not a problem. And since your my best friend” He gave a sweet smile “i figure, when she finds out we've been ‘dating’ she’ll think thats why Ive been acting strange.” He explained like it made absolute sense. It didn't. You were contemplating throwing him off of the roof you where stood on.

“righttttt...” You looked at him strangely. “How do you know it'll work?” you had a feeling this was gonna go very wrong.

“well, you know- you know, she's aunt May, shell believe it” There was also another problem.

“You know if my dad gets wind of this he will literally kill you right? Like he will 100 percent get all the avengers to murder you, and then he’ll bring you back to life, then re-kill you himself” You stated dramatically. He paled then gave you a look. That look. The look that he had given you for the last 5 years. The ‘im right just trust me on this one’ look. 9 times out of ten he wasn't right. But for the sake of both of you, you hoped this was the one time he was right.

“Fine fine, ill be your fake girlfriend or whatever” You groaned leaning into his shoulder.

“Wow, (Y/N) act more believable” He joked.

“Ah, Peter Parker, of course ill be your fake girlfriend!” You laughed loudly, shoving him.

“Shh, she might hear you!” He joined in, throwing his head back in laughter. After the laughter died down, you lay your head on Peters shoulder. You looked out into the sunset. It made you feel weird. Peter Parker's girlfriend. No. Peter Parker's fake girlfriend.

As the night was getting late, you decided to make your walk home, not before making your ‘relationship’ very clear to Aunt May. She was sat in the living room as Peter walked you to the door. As he opened the door for you, May looked your way, so you stood on your tiptoes and pressed a quick kiss to Peters lips before scurrying out the door. He lifted a finger to his lips and blushed. Obviously Aunt May, who’d known you for 5 years and had never seen you kiss Peter, had some questions.

“Peter? What was that about?” Her question pulled him out of his romantic state. Its just because she's your best friend, He told himself.

“uh-h” He awkwardly laughed. Why was he so hopeless. “She's my girlfriend, now, actually” He mumbled tentatively. Before he knew it, Aunt May had gotten up and swooped him into a hug.

“I always knew you two had something going on!” She cheered. He furrowed his brows but hugged back nonetheless. Why would she think that? He shrugged of the thought and told Aunt May he was going to bed.

“Hey Parker! Hows ‘the plan’ going?” You jogged up to him as he made is way through the school corridors, clutching his camera. “She believe it?”

“y-yeah she did” He noted as you fist pumped the air. He thought you looked amazingly beautiful today. As you two stepped outside, he spotted a cleared bench, he longed to take a photo of you.

“(Y/N)?” He asked getting your attention. “Stand righttttt there” He pointed towards the clear bench as you happily jogged over and stood on it. Peter had always taken photos of you, but today it felt different. For him at least.

“Like this?” You giggled as you struck a pose.

“Yeah yeah, exactly like that” he threw his head back in laughter as he snapped plenty of photos at your ridiculous poses.

“(Y/N)! Parker!” Your photography fun was immediately stopped by the dreaded voice of Flash Thompson, making his way over.

“uh oh” You whispered to Peter as he helped you jump from the bench.

“I hear she's your new girlfriend” Flash nodded towards you, grinning devilishly. You and Peter looked at each other.

“Yeah- Yeah she is” He was trying to be brave. It wasn't working very well.

“Lay off, Flash” You both turned your heads your Gwen Stacey, the girl Peter had been crushing on for a few weeks. Although, he didn't feel like that any more.

“Come on, Gwen. You cant seriously believe this can you. Little Peter Parker dating famous Tony Stark’s beautiful, intelligent daughter?” You felt disgusted at his comment, so did Gwen. “Does Daddy even know? Nah, he couldn't, Parker would be dead by now. Or has Daddy just lost his game? Not as strong as he used to be. You could feel that Peter was about to say something out of anger, so you quickly moved your hand to hold his, even though anger was coursing through your veins

“Listen, Flash Thompson” The group of students surrounding the scene got slowly bigger. “im not dating ‘little Peter Parker’ im dating Peter Parker, a guy who is 10 times more smart and intelligent and handsome as you'll ever be. So why don't you go listen to Mommy’ nodding towards Gwen. “And lay off. Oh wait! You don't have a Mommy” You made a mock sad face then giggled. The entire group was in shock, even Peter. Okay maybe it was a bit uncalled for, but he shouldn't have insulted your dad.

Flashs’ face turned magenta as he balled his fist and tried to throw a punch. You ducked under his fist. Your dad had taught you to fight once you could walk.

“Wow! You just tried to hit a girl” You smiled incredulously, while Flash was still bright red. “Thats fine, im all for feminism, ya know, equal rights equal fights” You said nonchalantly. “You shouldn't have punched Tony Starks daughter though” You added, right as your fist connected with his jaw and our foot connected with his nether regions. You grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back as the ever expanding group cheered. Just as you were about to stand on top him, Peter grabbed you and pulled you away.

“Okay, enough fighting, avengers style” He dragged you inside the hallway.

“He deserved it for what he was saying” You grumbled.

“Im sure he did but-” Peter paused as he saw the principle and two concerned looking teachers, making their way down the hallway. “Rain check?” He whispered.

“Yep!” You whispered back as you jumped onto his back and he sped of, out of the school.

“You have to admit, it was pretty cool” You grinned at Peter as he fixed up the cuts on your knuckles.

“It was cool. You knocked out Flash Thompson. ‘The’ Flash Thompson. But you got yourself hurt in the process” He whined.

“Wow, Mr ‘im-spiderman-and-i-risk-my-life-everyday Is telling me about danger, okay I see how it is” You joked.

“You know what I mean” He grinned. As he finished wrapping your hands, you heard footsteps coming upstairs. “Its Aunt May. What do we do?” Before you could think of anything, you instinctively brought his lips to yours and your hand fell into his hair. He kissed back passionately, like his entire life had been leading up to this moment. It sent a flurry of butterflies into your stomach. He felt the same thing. His lips tingled and his hand lay on your waist. You had officially caught feelings. And so had he. You heard the door open and kept your eyes tightly shut and lips moving.

“You got into a fi-” You furrowed your brows, that didn't sound like Aunt May. You moved away from Peters loving kiss to face the door. The second you saw who it was your face turned bright red, you were done for.

“Dad?!” You shrieked. Peter was drawn from his daze, dreaming of you beautiful lips, by your loud voice.

“Mr. Stark” He almost fell out of his chair at the sight of Tony Stark, Happy and Aunt May, all stood in the door in shock.

“Alright, Spiderling, hands off my daughter” Your dad hurried over and grasped your hand, gently shoving you out the room. Of course Tony Stark knew about him.

“s-see you later, Parker” You muttered. After Tony left, Aunt May shut the door awkwardly, returning to living room. And once, he was left alone with his thoughts. His thoughts about you.

#peter parker #spiderman #peter parker x reader #mcu fic #mcu #marvel #spiderman x reader #andrew garfield #andrew garfield x reader #andrew garfield spiderman #peter parker imagine

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shhh-no-ones-home · 3 years

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liar, liar (1/2) bucky barnes x reader

+++++++++

part 1 part 2

(ft sam wilson)

backstory - she can see the future (or versions of it) through dreams and visions; she can see someone's past and memories by touching them; and she can stop peoples actions with her mind. sam introduced her to bucky without knowing about her powers and they started dating. (OC superhero name: Arcana)

song: bruised and bloodied by seether

ps this song slaps and so does the album and god i just really love seether. okay im done now lol

tag list: @cynic-spirit

+++++++++

when i woke up i sighed, feeling the bed next to me empty again. this was the third time this week that Bucky had woken up way before me and left before i even got to tell him good morning. it was starting to put a damper on my mood but i wasn't about to let him know that.

i shook my head, digging it deep into my pillow before sitting up and rubbing my face. when i opened my eyes back up they grew wider. Bucky was standing in the doorway with a half smile on his face and two mugs in his hands.

"hey."

he said quietly, not making a move yet.

"hey."

i said back, a little more chipper than i was expecting. i think the same went for him.

"coffee?"

i nodded, smiling back at him

"just the way you like it."

he said as he sat on the side of the bed in front of me.

"whats the special occasion?"

i asked before taking a sip, looking up at him over the top of the mug. he just shook his head.

"no special occasion."

i sent him a look as i lowered the mug.

"youre a terrible liar, you know that?"

he laughed a little bit.

"youd think id be better at it by now but i guess thats why they always kept my mouth shut."

i sent him a look.

"so?"

he huffed a breath deep out his nose.

"sam called."

i shook my head.

"no."

"come on y/n."

"buck you hate fighting-"

"and what would i do if he got hurt?!"

i sighed, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose.

"damn you for being so caring."

i said sternly and he cracked a half smile.

"damn you for sticking around."

he quipped back and i laughed.

"when does he need us?"

°°°°°°°°°

i looked over his face as he stared at the floor. his jaw tightened and i could tell he didn't want to do this. he had done enough already.

"hey,"

i said softly, touching his face and turning him to look at me. he looked sad. or maybe it was disappointment.

"you know you don't have to do this right?"

i asked and his face changed again. maybe it was regret. he tried to avoid my gaze again but i side stepped him.

"hey, look at me. you dont have to do this. youre getting better, you are a good man."

i reassured. he nodded slowly, glancing over my face.

"i should've listened to you this morning."

i snorted.

"ive been telling you for a while that you should listen to me more but some how we always end up here."

i joked and he sent me a look.

"you two ready?"

Sam asked as he came up behind us and Bucky nodded. i frowned but nodded too anyways.

"they're coming in on the southside, so be ready."

he said, looking between us. then there was a clattering above us, making the three of us look up. in came a few men, descending from the ceiling in full tactile gear.

"god damnit john."

i said annoyed, turning to see him coming through the door looking all high and mighty.

"i heard you could use some back up."

he said and i rolled my eyes. i could tell buck and sam were just as surprised and annoyed.

"why is it that we can never do anything without you showing up?"

i asked and a smug look crossed his face.

"we do this bigger and better than you. and you arent exactly discreet. metal arm, jet pack, spandex; kinda stands out in a crowd."

"dont forget i can see your future john."

i seethed and he laughed.

"right, Arcana, i almost forgot."

Bucky touched my hip lightly.

"easy. we've still got time."

i looked to him and bit my tongue.

"we dont need your help."

i assured but he just ignored me. then a loud bang sounded from the south side.

"shit."

i mumbled under my breath, taking off in that direction after sam and bucky.

"hey hey hey."

bucky said, pushing me behind him. i frowned and a vision hit me.

"get down!"

i yelled, grabbing him and sam to pull them back as another bomb went off. the three of us fell to the ground, looking up as johns team made their way outside.

"your killing your team john!"

i yelled as he passed us too. another loud sound went off but this time it was something different. i closed my eyes as bullets rang through the air. i could see all of it flashing through my mind. then i reached out and grabbed buckys arm. i had seen him run after them and get shot and there was no way i was letting that happen.

"y/n, theyre gonna die, we have to do something."

then i looked at him.

"you stay here."

i demanded, standing and walking outside. there were many soldiers on the ground already, the few that were left were pointing guns at the so-called attackers, john was holding a gun to the leader. i had seen this, neither of them was a winner. i closed my eyes again and breathed deeply, holding all of them still. a second thought and their guns were to the ground, fists at their sides. when i opened my eyes they were all looking around confused. then i heard a gunshot, looking around just as confused.

"y/n!"

i heard from behind me, buckys arms hitting my back as i slouched into him, watching john shoot the leader between the eyes.

"hey, listen, stay with me."

bucky bargained, sam running up and standing over him as helped me slowly to the ground.

"didnt see that one coming."

i groaned as he pressed his flesh hand into the hole in my side.

"youre gonna be okay, okay? just stay with me."

i nodded.

"im sorry. i thought i could help them."

i said a little breathy, tears visibly appearing behind his eyes as he picked me up. i hissed at the sudden movement.

"you did help them."

i held my side, trying to breathe deeply.

"get her out of here."

sam said. i could feel bucky beginning to run as i closed my eyes, feeling the rain hit my face as the thunder rolled.

"please dont leave me."

he whispered.

"im not going anywhere."

i managed, rolling my head against his chest. the next thing i knew i was being placed on a bed and there were doctors surrounding me.

°°°°°°°°°

when i woke up again there was a beeping running through my ears. i felt completely out of my mind as i blinked slowly. it was like visions were coming to me in fast moving pictures unlike anything ive ever experienced.

"bucky."

i whined, scared, as i rolled my head back and forth.

"im here."

he said through a sniffle, taking my hand in his. i squeezed my eyes shut tightly as i saw our first date play out behind my eyes. it made me smile, seeing him fumble through his words as sam laughed at him. i blinked again before looking over at him. he looked like he had been crying for a while and i couldnt help feeling guilty for making him feel that way.

"dont look at me like that."

he said.

"like what?"

i asked innocently as he wiped his face.

"like you pity me."

i squeezed his hand.

"i have never in my life pitied you James Buchanan Barnes, and i dont intend on starting any time soon."

i wheezed out, coughing at the end. he let out a shaky breath.

"then why does it feel like it."

he managed and i ran my thumb over his hand.

"im sorry."

i said and he looked at me confused.

"for what?"

i cleared my throat.

"for hurting you."

he shook his head quickly.

"this isnt your fault. you couldnt have known john was going to shoot you. if anything this is on him."

"ill be sure to bill him."

i said through a laugh before groaning and placing my hand over the wound. then there was a knock at the door. it was sam.

"how are we doing in here?"

he asked lightly and i smiled at him, reaching out to him with the hand bucky wasnt holding.

"im all aces."

i said as he leaned down and hugged me as best as he could.

"im glad to see youre okay."

i nodded slowly.

"did you finish the mission?"

he hung his head low.

"the majority of the group got away. but we'll get em next time."

i sighed.

"dont do anything stupid without me."

i said with a wink and he laughed.

"its a little late for that id say."

he nodded towards me and i sent him a look.

"oh believe me, he shows up again ill give him something he wont forget."

"is that a promise?"

bucky piped up and i laughed, groaning after.

"you bet your ass it is."

#wattpad #x reader #Bucky Barnes #sam wilson #james buchanan barnes #winter soldier #falcon #the falcon and the winter soldier #imagines #one shots #320

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starryfreckles · 4 years

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✨ten questions✨

thank you for tagging me fae, grey, and sarah 💛this is three sets of questions so buckle in, this is going to be a long ass post lol but their questions are so good !! i couldnt not respond 🥰grab yourself something to drink, its a whole lot about me... 30 questions about me actually lol

from la twin @fvae ✨

#1 If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be ?

a mirabelle. its a mix between an apricot and a plum thats from france and maybe other parts of western europe idk 🤷‍♀️

#2 Free space!! Rant about whatever you’d like

thanks queen, what will i talk about today ?? ooh i know ok not so much a rant but im currently listening to harry potter and the goblet of fire audiobook becuase i wanted to read the stories again. this one is probs one of my favs and so much got left out in the film like DOBBY’S FUCKING ROLE IN IT ! also just the beginning when dudley is on his diet and harry has a fucking stash of food in his room and the weasley’s coming to get him. theres so much more to the story and i know they cant fit the 450 page book into a 2 hour movie but those details are so important for me. theyre part of the world building and we all know im a sucker for world building and character dev. like hell yea storytelling !! but just the wizarding world in general is my pride and joy and means the actual world to me 🥺 also after this one imma listen to order of pheonix becuase SOOOOO many details were left out in that movie and wowow best book but like highkey worst film... ((maybe thats the rant part of this lolol ok this was def a rant LMAOOO)) ok but its a really good one and i just wanted to be in that world again 🥺🥺

#3 If I were to visit your country right now, where would you take me ? What places should I visit ?

right, youd be coming to the southern west coast of the US. if covid wasnt a thing we’d go to a bunch of museums but ART, we are artists 🥰we’d also go to all the open air malls which are super cool and just fun to walk around and window shop. theres the beach for like beachy things lol, more touristy things. but theres also the mountains for hiking and being one with nature. there are a few observatories and telescopes within 2 hour roadtrips and those are cool becuase SPACE and just their location on top of super cool mountains for all the views you could ever want.

#4 If you came with a label, what would it say ?

« not what you’d expect » or « beware of typos »

#5 If your life was a book, that title would you give this chapter of your life ?

oooh so i this chapter of my life closing soon ((RIP ME)) but i think id be called something like « what do i make ? » or « finding my voice »

#6 What is your stereotype in your friend group ?

oh lordy, im like a mom friend ((hi tasfia if youre reading this lol)), the super organised one that plans things lmaooo

#7 What’s your spirit animal ?

Im an owl or a fox lets be realll

#8 What’s the most unexplainable thing that’s ever happened to you? Does it still happen ?

lol not to get deep and sad but the amount of friends i have somehow managed to push away and lose... uhhh yea it does... im not good with relationships 😔sigh

#9 What’s your favourite word and it’s meaning ?

extraordinary - adj very unusual or remarkable.

if you break the word down to its compoun words : « extra » and « ordinary » to me its almost as if it should mean something that is incredibly plain but its not, its quite the opposite of that.

#10 What was something that made you smile this past week ?

i had a bunch of convos with my irl friend and coworker ((about wtfock LOLOLOL and just getting her to start watching skam lol)) that were super hilarious and just really nice 🥰

from @stoffans 🌸

#1 What would be the most fitting for you: the sun, the moon or the stars?

I think the moon. it has phases of lightness and darkness...

#2 Where have you felt incredibly out of place?

literally any party or group of people greater than three. im an incredible shy person around people i do not know very well and just sit there awkwardly...

#3 What are the moments in life that make you realise life isn’t all that bad?

when im out with my closest friends or when im making my creative work

#4 Which song makes you feel like you’re floating on a cloud?

visions of gideon by sufjan stevens its so soft and relaxing

#5 Sunset or sunrise?

seeing as im not usually awake fro sunrise lol, imma have to say sunset. i used to live near the beach when i still physically went to uni ((rip covid)) and man those colours and seeing the sun dip into the oceans wowow

#6 Do you like it when people do stuff for you without telling you?

i love that kind of stuff, im an acts of service kind of person and just the little things to show that they thought of me just gets me tbh

#7 Did you ever cheat on your tests in school?

uuhh nei, im a good student 😭

#8 Could you take care of a plant or would it die instantly?

i always had plants in my uni room, they did great 💛

#9 Do you think you’re a difficult person?

emotionally yes, i cant describe what im feeling and im terrible with words in difficult conversations... other than that, im the most indecisive person youll ever meet and pretty easy going.

#10 Give me one word to describe yourself

anticipatory or thoughtful. i guess these two kind go together but i like play out different outcomes in different scenarios and anticipate so much...

from @grey-mist-exist 🍂 ((you tagged me on my main but i wanted to put them all together, i hope you dont mine 💛))

#1 Does your current means of transportation (car/bike/etc.) have a name? What is it?

uhhh so i havent been in a car in about a month soooo imma say my rolly desk chair that i use to zip around me room lol. its from IKEA and its called sporren

#2 If you could learn a language over-night, what language would you choose and why?

ahhh id learn norwegian ngl, dutch is close second. OORRR i stick to my roots and learn vietnamese 🤨 hmmm idkkk there are many languages i would love to learn 😭

#3 If you were an article of clothing, what would you want to be?

id be a jumper, to keep people warm and cozy

#4 You get teleported into a childhood fairy tale / folk story- what tale is it?

peter pan 🥰🥰🥰 my main’s user is enough i think lol

#5 You get the choice between time-travel or travelling to a parallel universe (but only being able to travel one time). Which do you choose?

parallel universe. i want to see how another me is getting on in life. what happens if my parents never moved us out of france 🥺

#6 Sun, moon, stars, or other? Why?

the stars are so interesting and mysterious

#7 If you were a path, what type of path would you be (concrete, cobblestone, dirt road, highway, asphalt, etc.)?

red brick. for the aesthetic lol

#8 How do you know when you’re in love?

i get butterflies in my stomach and my heart drops when they walk in

#9 What is your cellphone wallpaper?

bb fae look ((you already knew this was it but 💛💛))

✨🌸💛✨🌸💛this lovely piece of art of my bb is by @jensrolt go check out all her other art, its always the cutest thing ever ✨🌸💛✨🌸💛

#10 If you could instantly become an expert in something, what would it be?

expert of molecular cuisine pls. i love cooking and food. that kind of science fascinates me

#we did it yall!#these were so nice !!!#i love you merci #this was fun #but so so long #i have no idea what my questions would be tbh so enjoy my answers 💛💛#tagged #about me #personal #not skam

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shadymultiverse · 4 years

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I remember laying on my bed in highschool, sophomore year. I was exhausted. I had reached the point where every person id managed to scrape out of the hell hole that is middle education had turned against me. Rumors, as they do, flooded my small community. Things like lesbianism and sluttery being the least of it and incest and beastiality the worst. Theu were also convinced I was either possessed or the spawn of hell, which remains to be a point of pride for me.

My delicait social circle had collapsed under the strain of one thing, teenage hormones. Not my own, but that of my brother and his girlfriend, the girl coming from my group of friends. Their relationship had been incredibly toxic, but as Im realizing, everyone who comes into contact with my brother experiences the same kind of manipulation and fear. Not that she was innocent, none of them were. Ive always known a bad person when i meet one, but I also have the fatal flaw that cruelty and misguided affection will always taste like home to me.

They were the school bullies, though I would have shot you if youd said it at the time. I suppose by extention I was probably a bully, though I dont remember being one. It just explains why there was not a soul to catch me when I fell. There nnever was, not once in my entire life has someone actually caught me when I needed it, so its not like K was suprised.

'Oh but you were' My mind so helpfully supplies. I always viewed myself as kind. Sweet. Loving, even.

Yet there I was laid across my bed, too tired to get up, too tired to cry. It was after an episode from my brother.

It stands to reason I should describe him, he was not a small man. No. He stood at 6'1 back then, a weight lifter through highschool, he was a physically imposing person. Being the malnurished, overweight, gaslighted and generally abused little girl that I was, I was never any match for him. I had one fought against him, and my sister- who was always thin as a fuse and leading to something dangerous- but it was always them that were rewarded and I who was punished. My mother, who I struggle to speak ill of even now, was an enabler. She refused to see the cruelty that my siblings put me through as anything other than normal, but any kind of defense that I levied for myself was something of an act against the pure, Goddly love that was my siblings.

Now Ive realized that it was just too much for her to bare, too much for her to understand. She is a very fragile woman for how strong she is. She knew that as long as I was taking their abuse, she wouldnt have to think about it. She didnt want me to get better.

That said at that point my sister was long gone. It was just me and my brother.

He was in the bedroom next to mine. A trailer, so any sound or move I made was hyperly monitored. I was too tired to do much more than breathe and even that was a fete. He must not have been satisfied by that because his door opened and then so did mine. He stared at me, I looked in his dirrection, at his eyes. He was still angry. This was the fifth or sixth day in a row that hed chased me ariund the house, screaming at me and cornering me. He hit me all the time, always in the same spot over and over so that it wouldnt look like Id been beaten, but I was being beaten.

I remember thinking how much I was struggling. In everything. My school work, my home life, my social life, everything.

He told me to make him something to eat. I told him no.

I almost always did. I hated the way that he spoke to me, hated that I was nothing more than a slave.

I didnt have the energy tk try to fight or get up or get out of the way but he jumped on top of me and wrapped his fingers around my throat.

I remember thinking 'I just wanna go. Let me go, please just let me go' I didnt realize it at the time but I was praying that he would kill me. I was so tired....

He would put his knees on top of your hands and sit in your chest, then squeeze your throat just hard enough to not actually bruise. Cut off the circulation but ot actually kill me. Its this strange in realm between pain and peace.

This time, however, he was squeezing so hard I thought my head might pop. His eyes told me he wanted me to die. Truly intended to finally end the charade that was my life. I wasnt scared. Just tired. Ready.

I was almost gone when something changed. I was there, floating up put of my body and his face felt slack, his eyes lost their psychotic glint and he let go. He got off of me and left the house. I can still feel the gasp that tore through my lungs. If yoive ever blown up a baloon and held it against your hand to feel the way it sticks to your skin then you know whay it feels like to breathe into empty lungs.

Its most painful part of being choked

Strangely enough, I started thinking about what I should do with my life. If he wouldnt do me the kindness of finishing the job, then I needed to plan how I was going to escape.

I was tired though, and the one thing i jad always wanted seemed absolutely impossible to attain. Brain Surgeon.

I could barely pull myself through a day in highschool, the idea of two decades of college was impossible to imagine. I decided I needed to do soemthing else. Something...easy. I had earned easy, hadnt I?

It was Tom Hiddleston that made me decided I should go into theater. Ironic, since it was earlier that same year that I had been in theater, had auditioned for a monolouge and a duet for our state competition, gotten it, only to have it ripped away because I wasnt good enough. Ive always had trouble commiting to things like afterschool practice. Though, maybe ita because out practices were just delaying the inevitable abuse Id be put through at home. I only ever wnated to sleep, to stay after shcool for three hours and practice was like eating broken glass before going home to drink rubbing alcohol.

But Theater was the way to go. I liked acting, I preferred make up and set design. That way, maybe Id get to meet Tom Hiddleston. Silly, looking back. What a way to decidee the fate of my life.

He seemed caring, you see. Like he wouldnt let anyone hurt me. Not even in a husbandry kind of way, just in the human way.

He would see whay was happening and say 'This isnt ok'. He didnt have to rescue me or anything. He would just understand.

By extention, the world would see me, delight in me, applaud me.

So I started focussing on this fantasy of becoming famous.

At every turn the rug was yanked out from under me. Every time i got a line or a song or something that I craved, it was taken away before it could ever be preformed.

Just like my home life, I kept being told that I did not matter. I didnt deserve to feel anything but disapointment and anguish.

Maybe thats why Ive run away from every job that Ive ever had.

#writing #child abuse #abandonment #choking #death is inevitable #death ideation #abuse #the deep dark abyss that is my soul

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journeyofabear · 5 years

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dreams that left me in a daze 1

we were at a camp, but it was the most perfect camp. amusement park, dance performances, chill music performances, the most beautiful hotel. we were a group i’d guess around 100-200, and thankfully i knew some people. not everybody, just maybe 5 people, but the vibe was so light and good. nobody was an asshole, everybody was so chill. orientation was a dance performance to welcome everybody and everybody got into it, campers started dancing, i got up to bboy a little bit myself - just cheers and positivity and fun.

my little small group was great, we had everyone. an awkward white kid sporting the classic green polo and khakis, an athletic asian kid in joggers, a big black kid in oversized jeans, etc. and there were no initial judgments, no side-eyeing each other, just laughs and getting to know each other. pure. we were talking outside the hotel when an announcer’s voice told all the campers to please enter the log flume to get into the hotel. we exchanged excited, wide-eyed looks and without saying another word, bolted to snag the front row for ourselves. the ride started and it took us through an indoor water course, incredible. a couple of us got wet but we were having so much fun, there wasnt a care in the world. we got to the lobby and waited for the room keys.

that’s when i saw you.

it was everything. the corny, proverbial light seemingly emanating from your being. the butterflies. the sudden nervousness i knew id need to mask to even have a shot at getting to know you. next to you was my friend. oh what the hell, YES. YES, you two were in the same small group. we’d hang out, this wouldnt just be a passing moment. our group met yours and my friend introduced me to you. we didn’t shake hands or anything like that, we just smiled at each other. genuinely smiled, like something good was just brought into our lives and presented before us. something about it was more significant than the typical “hey im dan! nice to meet you!” i couldnt tell if you were feeling the same vibe i was, but dear god, your eyes. i swear they lit up the room, and maybe they actually did because this was a fuckin dream after all. i only saw you. never had i experienced the literal blurring out of everything that wasnt you, but i dont even remember seeing anything else in that moment. the hotel lobby, my group, my friend and her group.. they were all backdrops. our groups sat down in the lobby couches and we all just talked, laughed, played card games. no awkwardness, no feeling each other out, just pure interaction. we kept catching each other staring, and when my eyes would meet yours, you wouldn’t look away or act shy. youd just look at me, and id look at you. and we’d smile and laugh at how funny and childlike these little interactions were. i took a seat next to you and we got to talking. you were so fucking dope. goddamn, you were awesome. you had so much wit, and we played off each other’s humor so well. we were just functioning naturally together, functioning the way we both were wired to function, no masks, no small talk, none of that. you had an edge to you, like you were from new york or something, but not so manufactured. not like the people taking “edgy” pictures in front of banksies for the gram. you were authentic and your authentic self was so attractive. and i mean that in the purest way. i dont remember your body, i dont remember analyzing you or subconsciously weighing your physical pros and cons and how they matched up to my preferences, as we all do in this world. i just remember your face, how you made me feel, your character and the way we felt like whatever connection we had between us was so good.

our group decided to meet up with your group for the concert that night. it was a date. or a group date. i didn’t know. but i knew that at that point, what was building between us was undeniable. and that you were beginning to feel the way i did, that we were tacitly on the same wavelength.

the dream jumped to the concert and you took my hand and told me, “i love seeing concerts from the back. we’re not getting moshed by fuckin everybody and you get to see everything. you down?” i let you lead the way. we got to the back and you were right. we saw everything. geez, the lights, the performance, the crowd of people. i dont know if it was because you were by my side, but everything good about that setting was enhanced. i was looking out into the concert, but in my peripheral i’d catch you staring and smiling at me. i liked that feeling. i didn’t want to ruin it by staring back just yet. whatever thoughts, whatever feelings you were feeling about me in that moment, i wanted those to last. whatever you felt like you admired about me, i wanted you to process and come to the conclusion that i figured you must’ve been wondering about too. that you were falling for me. i already came to my own conclusion in the lobby, but i felt honored and loved, to have you reach yours on your own. right when i was about to look back at you to share that sweet gaze, you kissed me on the cheek. twice. butterflies and warmth. but more warm than anything. the wave of warmth coupled with a wave of relief, of joy, of conclusion. not the type of conclusion that just marks the end of something good though, the type of conclusion that marks the end of something good, and beckons something even better. i felt invincible, unaffected by any potential harsh realities i could face. perfection. it was perfect. everything was perfect.

then i woke up.

fuck.

--------

dreams always end at the best parts, don’t they? and i know yall have desperately tried going back to sleep to enter that world again. i didnt though. i sat up in bed and felt like i had lost something so real. id felt that before with other dreams, but nothing like that. nothing like the type of dream that makes you mourn the loss of innocent love in that way. sure, ive had plenty of dreams of exes that made me feel some type of way in the morning. but it was never really anything i couldnt shake off within the first 10 minutes of waking up. but here i am, at my comptuer, an hour or two later, still feeling the same feeling. yah im bein a bitch, and i gotta get real, but at the same time i dont ever discount the power of dreams and what they can make you feel and think. i miss that kind of love. and its daunting thinking about how i may never experience that in todays world. swipe left, swipe right, meeting someone and realizing, again, that everyone, including me, is fucked up because of love, trauma, etc. theres always compromise, and i understand. i understand the nature of today’s relationships, the human condition. but thank you universe, for allowing me to at least dream of an unjaded love. for allowing me to not compromise anything, and to just feel. bliss, joy, love, if even for a night.

damn i really be in a mood today. tonight’s a chinese food, smoke up, movie typa night.

im glad i got this all down. i dont want to forget it.

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guyfierisrealwife · 4 years

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yall mind if i fuckin uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh cw for fuckin abuse ig

im so fucking lonely and i hate living here so much like im seriously at my limit idk what to do anymore like. theres really no safe place to be? like some of my friends have offered to let me stay with them for a little bit and that is extremely kind and generous of them and i love them very much and if either of you are reading this thank you so much ily ily but like i cannt do that to you and i also cant leave my mom alone with her ex as much as id want to leave this place and as much as i appreciate the offer i cant leave her

but at the same time both my mom’s house and my dad’s house are unsafe places for me to be at but i cant leave and i dont even know if ill be able to go back to school in the fall like rn idk what’s going to happen and like if the virus isnt like. less. by then i cant go. like i have severe asthma like it gets set off by anything and if i get it i might go to the hospital or die or whatever and its just not worth going back to school for a semester if i might just fucking die but also i Hate being home and i dont want to fall behind where i want to be with school and i dont want to be a semester behind all of my friends and graduate late like i know thats kind of stupid but i dont want to yknow

but most importantly with that i dont want to lose my fucking job if i have to take the semester off like thatd be devastating to me like my father isnt helping me pay for school and my mom is helping a little but i want her to save her fucking money like id rather be in debt than have her live with chris any longer than she has to so working is really important and i love my job a lot and im like Good at it and i dont want to lose my job

idk im just worried and if my dad screams at me one more time or makes some weird sexual comment or like moans loudly in our shitty small apartment where i can hear everything he does im going to fucking lose it like please im Literally Begging you to shut up like i hate living here i hate it but i dont have a fucking choice and like i know that there are solutions to this but none of them can like. work because i cant leave and move away without my mom being able to do the same

plus my brother screams at me for doing literally anything and he steals money and food from me like sometimes ill have like alcohol in the house bc how the fuck else am i supposed to cope and he just Takes it and he steals money from me even though he doesnt fucking need it like he’s not going to school and if he needs something my dad will get it for him bc mikey is physically the largest and strongest one of us so my dad is just like “here have whatever you want”

and my dad literally doesnt care about anyone but himself i was like “if your friend is in the house can you please have both of you wear a mask” and he lost his fucking mind at me which is like. cool. ok thank you. i mean there’s a pandemic and you and i are in high risk groups and i know the only thing you’d care about if i died would be that i wouldn’t have any more accomplishments you can take the credit for and if you fucking cried when i died id haunt you for the rest of fucking time you disgusting pervert id make your life hell like the fucking hell you made me grow up in but whatever

also we’re fucking poor which honestly does suck like a lot of the time like im not allowed to shower that often bc my like 10 minute showers every other day take ‘too much hot water and make the bill too high’ but if mikey takes an hour long shower every day he doesnt say Shit, and he’ll buy himself a lot of new shit and make fun of me for buying a computer with the money i made by working (at a job he doesn’t think is like a ‘real job’ even though it. is?? like i dont get his logic?? is it bc i work for the school i go to? whatever.) becauyse my computer broke beyond fucking repair and id had it for like 5 years and the new one i got the fucking person at the store was like “you need this one” and it was on sale because parts of it dont work so i was like “yeah ok sure” and my dad is like “um :-) you cant say anythign bc you bought a new computer” and its like yeah and i dont pay the water bill so whatever if you want to complain abt something complain about how you drink a 12 pack of beer a day and scream at your kids about how when we ask for food it’s too expensive because we’re like “can we have milk and sandwich stuff in the house?” and youre like “literally die i hate you i hate you. im such a good dad :) you are so ungrateful :) no one helps with anything in this house :)” even though i literally do?? like so much??? and if im like “im going to wash dishes” since we dont have a dishwash machine he’s like “NO DONT FUCKING DO THAT YOUD USE HOT WATER” and its like please im fucing begging you to have a brain dude like im really begging you to think for once in your goddamn life about literally anything

not to mention hes a huge homophobe and fucking ableist even though he has a gay, mentally ill daughter and a neurodivergent son that he refused for YEARS to admit has some kind of neurodivergency and didnt let live with my mom because he “didnt want to lose his only son” even though hes abusive to him and all 3 of his fucking daughters lmao and he wonders WHY heather and alyssa hate him so much its because he says things like “youre so hot” to his daughters and then screams at them and says shit like “ladies shouldnt fucking swear” and threatens us and screams so much and thinks that an “im sorry...................you know how i am...........i was just upset..............why are you so angry that i screamed at you until you cried and then got even more mad that you were crying............................. i didnt do anything wrong and you should forgive me even though i never will change.” like dude i told you it made me anxious when you came into my room when i was in 6th grade and you laughed in my face!!! you laughed at me!!! when i was clearly nervous and visbily afraid you were LAUGHING at me

AND HE FUCKING LIES SO MUCH!!!! HE LIES TO EXTENDED FAMILY MEMVERS TO MAKE THEM THNK HES A GOOD PERSON AND HE ACTS SO BELITTLING i hate him so much i literally hate him and the times that im so fucking lonely bc i have no one else i live with to talk to i say something to him and hes like “shut the fuck up and go away” and its lik :-) ok. how do you expect any of your kids to talk to you if you tell me to go away as soon as i say anything

and dont look at my goddamn ass and legs and dont look at other women like that either and dont masturbate with the door open just FUCKIN STOP YOURE DISGUSTING I HATE IT HERE

also mister “i NEVER hurt any of you” like yeah ok THATS why you screamed about hitting us and threatened us and literally?? did??? hit us with your fcuking belt? like what lmao do you have fucking memory loss ??? like do you not remember like ik it was a while ago but think back like. i remember clearly you slapping my brother across the face but ok lol

anyway i Do hate it here lol

#tw abuse #cw abuse #sorry abt just going off like this lmao #if any of my friends still wondered why i dont wear more revealing clothes this is why lol #ill probably delete this later but i just needed to get it out

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trendingnewsb · 7 years

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Montana Is About To Send Trump — And Democrats — A Big Message

Montana will vote Thursday to fill the U.S. House seat vacated in March by now-Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke.

Democrat Rob Quist, a populist progressive cowboy poet known for his career as a bluegrass singer, supports single-payer health care, legalizing marijuana and funding more arts programs in schools. Republican Greg Gianforte, a tech entrepreneur who moved to the state in 1995, is a hard-line social conservative who backs the deeply unpopular GOP bill to replace Obamacare and wants to turn over control of public lands to the state.

Gianforte, who narrowly lost a bid for governor last year, is favored to win the seat that Zinke handily won re-election to in November. But Gianfortes own strategists describe him as basically an unpopular incumbent trying to get re-elected.

The race for the states only House seat will likely be close. Gianforte had a 6-point lead over Quist in a poll released this month by a Democratic political action committee. But internal GOP polling has shifted against Gianforte amid proliferating scandals coming from the White House, conservative blogger and radio host Erick Erickson reported this month.

The election took an unexpected turn on Wednesday evening, when Guardian reporter Ben Jacobs accused Gianforte of body-slamming him. In audio that Jacobs recorded, the reporter asked Gianforte how he felt about the Republican health care bill in light of the analysis of the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office that came out earlier in the day. (Gianforte had previously claimed he would have voted against it, because without an updated CBO report, he lacked the data to assess its merits.)

The audio then cuts to the sound of a scuffle.

Im sick and tired of you guys, Gianforte says. The last time you came here you did the same thing. Get the hell out of here!

Jesus Christ, Jacobs said. You just body slammed me and broke my glasses.

Get the hell out of here, Gianforte says again.

If youd like me to get the hell out of here, Id also like to call the police, Jacobs says.

Gianfortes campaign blamed Jacobs for the altercation, saying the reporter had pushed a phone into his face.Jacobs grabbed Gregs wrist and spun away from Greg, pushing them both to the ground, campaign spokesman Shane Scanlon said in a statement. Its unfortunate that this aggressive behavior from a liberal journalist created this scene.

Gianforte was reportedly set to be interviewed by Fox News reporter Alicia Acuna when Jacobs interrupted. In a written account of what she witnessed, Acuna said Gianforte manhandled Jacobs, even though Jacobs did not show any form of physical aggression toward Gianforte.

At that point, Gianforte grabbed Jacobs by the neck with both hands and slammed him into the ground behind him, Acuna wrote. She said the TV crew watched in disbelief as Gianforte then began punching the man, as he moved on top the reporter and began yelling something to the effect of Im sick and tired of this!

Justin Sullivan via Getty Images

Democratic U.S. House candidate Rob Quist with Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) greet supporters at a campaign rally May 20 in Butte, Montana.

Its unclear how the election-eve violence may influence Thursdays vote. The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee wasted no time trying to capitalize on it, demanding that Gianforte immediately withdraw from the race.

The National Republican Campaign Committee did not respond independently, referring reporters to the Gianforte campaigns statement.

Regardless of the factors that determine the final outcome, a close tally would send a clear warning to both parties that even deploying political star power couldnt propel a mandate-sized victory. But a surprise win for Quist would signal not only a rejection of PresidentDonald Trumps policies but also of the long-held Democratic playbook for winning or, more often of late, losing much-needed seats in Congress.

In many ways, the Montana election plays out an alternative narrative of the 2016 presidential race. Trump carried the state by more than 20 points on Election Day and picked up nearly 74 percent of votes in the Republican primary last June. Gianforte is banking on the presidents popularity. Over the past month, he campaigned alongside Vice President Mike Pence and Donald Trump Jr., the presidents eldest son.

Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) won the states Democratic primary with 51.1 percent of votes to Hillary Clintons 44.6 percent. Quist backed Sanders at the time, and the Vermont senator has since returned the favor. Sanders endorsed Quist in April and appeared at packed campaign events with him last week.

Despite Clintons loss and the failure to recapture the Senate, Democratic Party stalwarts have spurned the progressive wing of the party. Party leaders picked Tom Perez, President Barack Obamas labor secretary, to lead the Democratic National Committee, even after progressive Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn.) secured endorsements from establishment torchbearers like Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.). That Perezs backers touted his progressive bona fides as being on par with Ellisons raised even more questions about why he should run at all, if not to prevent the so-called Berniecrat wing of the party from gaining power.

The Democrats virtually ignored Quist until late April. Asked about the Montana special election, Rep Jim Clyburn (D-S.C.), the DCCCs 2016 national mobilization chair, told HuffPost last month he didnt know about that. But as the race heated up, the party began spending more money, tripling its initial investment to $600,000 earlier this month.

It seems clear that Gianfortes massive edge in early funding allowed him to attack Quists character viciously before there were sufficient funds for Quist to respond to the vitriol, Jeff Hauser, a longtime Democratic operative and director of the Revolving Door Project, told HuffPost. If Quist should lose, the national Democrats who provided financial assistance after mail-in voting had already begun will have to question anew their initial reluctance to engage in the race in March and early April.

Quist attracted the enthusiastic backing of progressive activists because of his unabashed liberal stances, including support for single-payer health insurance and legalizing marijuana.

Winnie Wong, co-founder of the People for Bernie, an online group, credited Sanders followers forgetting involved in Quists campaign early andcorner[ing] the Democratic Party into following suit.

If Quist wins, Wong argued, the overwhelming message that will resonate across the country is that Berniecrats can win in red states. That will send a message to the corporate wing of the Democratic Party to move left.

Democrats have notched a few small victories. On Tuesday night, Democrats flipped two state legislature seats one in Long Island, New York, the other in New Hampshire in districts that voted for Trump. But the partys losing streak on the national level has yet to break.

William Campbell via Getty Images

Republican Greg Gianforte, left, shakes hands with Donald Trump Jr. at a campaign event in Bozeman, Montana, in April.

Two weeks ago, Democrat Heath Mello failed to unseat Republican Mayor Jean Stothert in Omaha, Nebraska. In April, left-leaning progressive James Thompson lost his bid for Kansass open House seat, despite coming unexpectedly close in a deep-red state.

The fight for Georgias 6th District, vacated this year by Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price, has become the highest profile race yet, in part due to the symbolic value of flipping a seat long held by former House Speaker Newt Gingrich. Democrat Jon Ossoff fell less than 2 points short of defeating Republican Karen Handel last month, and a runoff vote is scheduled for June 20. Democrats, to their credit, have poured millions into the race. And it may be paying off. Ossoff has taken a 7-point lead over Handel in a new poll commissioned by Georgias WXIA, a local NBC affiliate.

Still, while Democratic super PACs have lavished Ossoff with money and ads featuring celebrities, Quist has plugged along, raising more than $5 million in donations that average $25. Thats $2 lower than Sanders average. Quists fundraising skyrocketed this month, after Gianforte waffled on his support for the American Health Care Act, which could imperil more than 70,000 Montanans health insurance.

A Quist win is a wake-up call for Democrats to reconsider an approach to candidate recruitment based on maximizing the number of rich people a potential candidates knows well, Hauser said. Our populist moment is best suited to candidates who, like Quist, have personal stories that resonate with the partys increasingly populist platform.

Sprawling Montana, with a statewide population less than one-eighth of New York City, is far from a perfect microcosm of the country writ large. But its not the blanketly red state the 2016 election results would suggest. Montana voters elected Sen. Jon Tester (D) in 2006, unseating an incumbent Republican. Tester won re-election in 2012. Gov. Steve Bullock (D), who won re-election despite a well-funded and aggressive campaign by Gianforte, criticized Democrats for ignoring Western states like his, opting to remain in coastal liberal strongholds while right-wing donors flooded races in places dismissed as flyover states with money.

I remember a humorous episode from Bill Clintons presidency in which his advisers prevailed upon him, one summer before his re-election campaign, to spend his vacation in Montana and Wyoming instead of the usual Marthas Vineyard, Bullock wrote in a recent op-ed in The New York Times. The theory was that hed benefit from hanging out someplace a little more down to earth. He took the advice, and won re-election. Its a lesson Democrats should take to heart.

Related…

A Montana Special Election Could Deal A Huge Blow To Trump — But Democrats In Washington Are Staying Away

Montana Democrat Racks Up Donations As GOP Opponent Waffles On Health Care Bill

Montana GOP Candidate Owns Stake In Company Accused Of Paying Off ISIS

Bernie Sanders Throws His Hat In With Montana Populist Rob Quist

Montana Dems Nominate A Banjo Player For Special Election — And He Might Actually Win

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