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#but ik this is way better than being lonely and ik im just being stupid abt it and ill probably get over it when i get my good meds again
toastsnaffler · 1 year
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ughf. maybe I should just stay at home until the new year by this point.
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stxrzyn · 1 year
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hi. I'm new to manifestation and thought I'd write this to u as some self encouragement and maybe you could give some tips? I want to start manifesting and REALLY want to change my life. here's what I want to manifest
1. better art skills: as someone who is preparing for design college I want to improve my art and make it better than everyone else in my class of 25
2. more friends: in my current class, I have only 2 okayish friends and my old friend group literally ditched me at an art fest. so I want for everyone in my class to begin loving me and wanting to be my friend.
3. electronics: my parents made me hand over my kindle to my younger sister, so I want to manifest a new kindle paperwhite (120$ but I wouldn't mind the 215$ one but we're taking baby steps), a new MacBook, and a Bluetooth keyboard for my tablet AND I DONT WANT TO SHARE THEM
4. dream body and face: I want to get rid of my belly, arm and face fat, get rid of my acne, and keep my Curly hair in perfect ringlets and always look good.
5. get a bf: I have 1 guy who is an acquaintance but im not actively looking for a relationship rn, but is it possible for me to manifest a future bf?
6. dream college: I want to get into my dream college and campus, have a great roommate and my dream dorm room
7. food: I want to eat more food from different cuisines on a daily basis as my mother makes only our cuisines food during the weekdays (indian food. we eat international food sometimes during the weekends). I also want to be able to eat without gaining weight.
8. money: as someone who isn't earning, and relies on family, I want to begin earning money in some way, preferably online. just manifesting money randomly would be awesome but idk how I'd get it lol.
9. better relationships: my sister and I are fighting a lot and I want to manifest a better relationship with her, my parents, and cousins.
10. new clothes: Maybe a little ambitious but I want to manifest an entirely new wardrobe that fits my dream body.
is this all achievable as an 18 year old? I feel kinda stupid writing all of this out, but if u could give me any tips to help me achieve this I will love u forever and ever tysm<3
hii! disclaimer: a few of them sound similar to my old goals so I'll add a few extra words of advice that aren't through a loa lense but also through a better mental health lens!
1) ik that it's not necessary to act as if in the 3d, but when it comes to skills i liked practicing while having the mindset of someone who would always have amazing art (???). taking steps towards ur goals in ur 3d is not needed but for skills it gave me more confidence! i play the piano & started bass & practicing while having the mindset made me more confidence (again u dont need to but imo it's effective regarding skills). 2) i think u also should be comfortable being lonely? not that u should stay alone but become comfortable with yourself that u wouldnt mind if u were eating lunch alone or not since everything reflects ur outer world, if ure comfortable with yourself, others will also be comfortable with you! it's also a mental health advice, if u start being comfortable being with yourself u won't be finding yourself affirming for friends out of lack! (my advice looks like for extreme cases lol but I'm just saying this bc i used to have many failed friendships & was so desperate at some point)
3) u don't have to take baby steps but if ure comfortable and would like to do that, go for it! electronics are not hard to manifest imo, it's the same as knowing u still have ur phone even if it's charging in another room.
4) I didn't work for my dream body, I've been average but my body dysmorphia made it bad, so u can still manifest ur body without doing anything. well I was in the state of someone who loved their body but ykwim, u don't need to workout. abt acne, i don't have experience with acne however my desired self back then was someone who had a stable routine hence also a skincare routine (yk the itgirl typa thing lol) so if ure into that then u can also actively become that version by doing skincare & haircare routines.
5) I think so, but I think I'd "worry" more abt having a bf when u desire him. u can manifest a relationship even when he's currently dating someone but again I would think sbt that once u are interested
6) ooh that sounds cool, congrats already 😄
7) I love Indian food sm omg sm of It is my comfort food 😭 but that sounds so cool! (make sure to manifest ur mom to cook some of our indonesian & german food 😋 sri lankan food is similar so i don't think u need to manifest that) also u never gain food when eating wdym??? gaslighting u
8) oh I did manifest money out of nowhere, It did sound impossible but it was just there. u should worry abt the how, all u need is staying at the end. ur how is "some way online" but ur actual goal, the end, is money. sk focus on having that money instead of wondering how it will come to u. also idk where u live but before I was too lazy to work & just manifestedmoney out of nowhere, i romanticized my life by having a part time job in a cat cafe LOL it always depends if u have time & are motivated but it was a cute ghong
9) towards bad relationships with my fam I did nothing so continue to assume that ure already in a better relationship 👍🏻
10) I LOVEDDD manifesting clothes, I would just spend hours on pinterest while listening to music & imagining how cute it would look on me n my dream body, 10/10 recommend
yes yes yes ofc it's possible!!!!! i did it too, u can do it too, EVERYONE can. the law is not limited to one person!!!! I just hope u won't overconsume content & actually apply the law. all u need is faith & imagination!! all the other advice i have regarding the 3d was just personal experience
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I just thought of something so now I have MORE questions lmao
WHY DID EROS HAVE 2 CHILDREN AT THE SAME TIME IF HE KNEW THEY WOULD TRY TO KILL EACH OTHER AND THAT PSYCHE COULD ONLY GIVE HER BLESSING TO ONE OF THEM?? THATS KINDA FUCKING STUPID
Ik most Eros kids don't feel most emotions, but I get the feeling that most of them also didnt become serial killers so like honestly Seb honey what are you doing with ur life dude??
ALSO!! In mythology Eros and Psyche ACTUALLY DO HAVE A GODLY CHILD LOL, her names Hedone and she's the personification of bliss, so what does she think of Eros kids? Does she see them as her siblings (like Psyche) or is she just kinda like "Oh yeah these are my half siblings, they're kinda crazy but it's okay, because my mom likes them"? WHAT IS HER OPINION OF SEB.
Does Seb just automatically dislike Apollo kids because of the rivalry between Eros and Apollo? Does he feel the need to be better than them/murder them?
OKAY IM DONE NOW I THINK
(Although I do have feral thoughts that I will send in a different ask)
- 🌕 (Moon Anon)
Ask me questions about my OC
Yep yep go feral my beloved 🌕
Also long post!! Everything’s under the cut ->
Ok my friend @theevanparker has a separate HC on that. It’ll be better if they explain this cuz mine is a bit more complicated.
1) Just going to clarify and say that he can have multiple kids at a time (then he goes on haitus for 20 years lmao) HOWEVER Eros kids have a low survival rate, most of em die even before they are born (this it is related to the people Eros had children with, they are often dumped harshly and left with a lot of turmoil). Seb and Lisel were the only ones that survived that year.
^ About the Psyche blessing thing…I have no clue what to say cuz that wasn’t my HC and was made by @theevanparker . I am only limited to Sebastian and his version of an Eros Kid. If u want Lisel’s version then Evan’s your person to talk to!!
All I can say is that it probably had to do with the fact that when seb and Lisel were conceived. Them being born so early caused some confusion. BUT! in my OC!Canon Sebastian’s mother hid from Psyche thinking she was going to kill her and take away the child.
2) Yep emotions are a burden but thanks to the blessing they have some of it under control. In Seb’s case he is completely oblivious. There are two reasons he became a serial killer:
As I had mentioned before. He has this weird goal to prove that he’s strong despite being a kid of the Love god. Also his first kill was his cabinmate, and in midst of hiding his crime the emotion of fear/anxiety was triggered. Of course Seb didn’t know what this feeling was and couldn’t process it but whatever it was, it felt good. So Seb kept wanting to feel it, since this was the first time he showed signs of any emotions.
Sebastian always wants to be entertained. He was bored with his life. And he finds a certain thrill in killing Romans, one: because of the ancient rivalry, two: it triggers fear in him of getting caught and being punished (as stated above). Maybe also likes how infamous he is.
(TL;DR: He got hella bored and drunk on fear)
3) Yeah I know about Hedone!! But she doesn’t have much involvement in the plot so I don’t quite mention her here. Yep it’s exactly how you said she’s kind like her mother but sassy like her dad so she loves her half siblings (it gets quite lonely in the palace and the company is great, except on family game nights 💀) but does often show her discomfort when they are being too feral.
She thinks Seb is way too much of a menace and threat, however does not approach him cuz he’s scary ASF. She’s only personally seen him as a baby (disguised as a nurse when he was born)
4) No tbh!! I hadn’t really thought about this but it’s a great idea!!!! Also adds a new level of irony on Seb and Octavian’s relationship!!!!
I think not but he sure does love pissing them off since they seem to show a greater reaction than others. No intentions of murder but if they are Romans then he’s gonna bring out the stabby stick.
Thank you for the ask moon!!! Have a great day 💜🌸💜💜
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mhaccunoval · 5 years
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im high and i would like to say its really cute that ppl decided to build a whole character for charlie to love in the form of science bitch... amazing
first of all, i love every part of this ask so jot that down. 
second of all i just skjbsjhdhgdgdh. idk. for me personally, charbitch just makes me happy and soft... like no offense to charmac stans or charden stans, hell, charmacden stans too... i just flip flop on all three of those and usually just settle into charbitch because it makes me soft...
like ik some people may be against it (if they even recognize it exists) because of the ethical issues of the experiment from flowers for charlie, which i understand, but in the least, it wasn’t the most unethical experiment in history. a placebo effect is 100 times less harsh and cruel than experiments such as mkultra or anything. 
not to mention no matter what way you look at it, even if there’s sometimes some softness or tenderness presented in the show from mac or dennis that could be interpreted to allude to charmac or charden, they’re still both in the gang and the gang are just. the worst, we all recognize. it’s literally canon that mac & den will use charlie as grunt and can be petty & easily turn on him. but, science bitch took a genuine interest in charlie from the moment he saw him and i’d like to think all charbitch stans (which, once again, i make the allusion that it’s just me, tyler, and a bag of chips in a lonely corner) can & will interpret that as him actually taking interest in charlie being himself & caring about him a lot, despite being the little filthy gremlin man he is. 
another minor thing, to me at least, is that charlie and burn always make a good team... and they’re just cute together... and i find it a little silly for them to be together again in a universe where only one of them is a science bitch and the other is still a dumbass (because both newt and hermann are stupid science bitches who couldn’t even make each other more smarter)
idk. it just... it’s just there’s so little we know about science bitch... hell, we know more about tang-see than him... so it just leaves a lot of world building shit up to the stans which is kinda nice... like literally @//autistic-charlie-kelly and i are always making headcanons for him & charlie being together, among other things that we talk about... it’s just. wholesome. like, again, no offense to mac or dennis but uhhh in my head science bitch is a better fit for charlie relationship-wise......
[wow really didn’t mean to divulge into a ramble but that’s nothing new]
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fairycosmos · 5 years
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hey chloe i love ur blog. i started uni last week and it’s been ok but i’m rly scared i’m never going to make friends:(( i tried to talk to people during freshers week but none of those interactions ever went anywhere and now i’m sat in my room in halls completely alone. i feel like i never learned how to make friends and now i’m terrified i’ll always be alone. i can kind of do small talk but after that i’m awkward and can’t open up/be myself and i just get progressively more shy. any advice?
hi love thank you so much!! i appreciate that a LOT n im so sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time right now. i can definitely relate as i think many many people can, even if they seem confident to you. i massively struggle with making friends too, so idk if you've asked the right person sfhkjdhljf :( but generally speaking i guess, during times of such significant change it's very normal to go through a period of adjustment where you only have yourself to rely on and everything's out of wack. it's not an indicator that you'll always be alone and it's not something to be embarrassed about. this is a completely new environment and experience, you're bound to be overwhelmed. it's ok to feel down and to process negative emotions, as long as you can at least try to recognize them for what they are - temporary responses to temporary situations. simply feelings that you can learn to manage in a healthy way if you take the time to prioritize yourself and your needs. and it sux that it hurts and that you have to put up with it, but i promise that things will improve once you get settled n start working on the relationship you have with yourself. of course it's a lot easier said than done, and i genuinely don't blame you at all for being disheartened. every time i talk to someone in real life and i can't maintain the friendship, or i feel uncomfortable and i say the wrong thing, it throws me off and makes me burn with embarrassment. but it's all a learning process, and there's no rule book or deadline. it's very common for young adults to be between friends and to have moments of solitude. it's not like everyone consistently has a great group of friends. and honestly it's a blessing and a curse because obviously it's extremely lonely, and you're allowed to acknowledge that pain, but the freedom can teach you how to be your own best friend. you said you find it hard to be who you are (me 2!!) but....... maybe you'd feel better about showing your personality to others if you appreciated it yourself, in quiet moments. actively working on your self esteem and making the conscious choice to recognizie what you have to offer every single day, even if you feel stupid doing so, could make a difference. it's easy to attract like minded people if you're genuine, you know? the fact that you're making the effort to engage in small talk is wonderful, and like any other ability, social skills take time to develop bro. it's ok to not be great at talking to people when you're young, alright? so anyway point is, i would recommend setting a few small weekly goals for yourself - talk to that girl in class and breathe through the awkwardness, try that new bar or cafe, offer someone your pen. baby steps are great, every effort counts. maybe you could build up to joining a group or a club around your uni? i know that probably seems like a daunting and far fetched idea, and there's no pressure of course, it's just a lot easier to start a conversation when you have some common ground with someone. just something to consider while you get your bearings. ultimately, the world deserves to know you and you deserve companionship, they will never change. i want to stress that the situation you're in right now is not proof that you're destined to be alone or that you've done something wrong - you're just a small fish in a big pond, and so is everyone else, and just because uni isn't everything you expected doesn't mean it won't be worthwhile in its own way. you're doing so much better than you realize and im seriously infinitely proud of you for trying bc that's what it always comes back to. just have to keep dipping your toe in the water, keep it embracing the awkwardness, keep pushing and give yourself breaks when needed. also as a sidenote if this is having a big impact on your mental health/emotional well-being then i just wanted to say that there's honestly no shame in looking into any counselling services or hotlines or support groups that might be on offer. it may feel like you're isolated but there are always people who care and who have the tools to help you navigate. having someone to talk to and learning the root causes of your insecurities, and knowing how to self soothe......all of that will make a difference. don't allow your mind to write the idea off completely. vulnerability isn't something to run from, it often enables positive progress. no matter what your brain is telling you, you'll get through this one day at a time. and if a plan falls through, or you mess up in conversation, then there's always the next day. that's the beauty of uni and being young i suppose. anyway sorry this got so long, i just viscerally understand the absolute shame and discomfort of feeling not right around others. and i really hope you find the patience and self compassion to keep putting one foot in front of the other. even if it seems impossible at times. im rooting for you and honestly ik it's not the same but feel free to message me anytime. sending love and warmth 💘💘
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girltwinkabigail · 5 years
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tw: self harm, suicidal thoughts.
hello friends
i dont usually talk about my personal life on here but i think i really want to say this
sooo
my mental health has been getting really bad these past few days and today it got especially bad and after many months of being clean i self harmed again and i really wanted to kill myself (i wasnt planning on doing it or anything but the thought was overwhelming) i felt really lonely and completely isolated from everything so i forced myself to talk to someone, even though in my head i kept saying no dont bother them, so i talked to my boyfriend (stupid decision)he is a little sick he has a cold but i asked if he was feeling better so i could talk to him he said yes so i told him everything about the whole killing myself and the self harm thing and he said and i qUOTE
“i cant i gotta take my medicine bye ”
“get a grip”
?¿ i dont really know what to do?¿ with this ?¿ but i know its gonna make me feel even more pathetic than i already do and i just, idk. i really didnt see that coming & im so upset i feel terrible idk why he said it and im not sure if he will even apologize?
but yes
so im sorry if i am a bit inactive, i just really need to work on my life rn its been a mess. and i talked about this here because i really love u all and fandoms are like family to me there are so many wonderful people here that i love and yea . .
thank you and sorry again ik this is way too long but yea
take care everyone 💙💙💙
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koishua · 2 years
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I mean, it wouldn't be such a nuisance if it wasn't so hard to pronounce, I'm really conscious about my way of speaking so what really takes me back is the speaking part 😔 (the most important 😓)
Finally it wasn't so bad, I would've stayed more time if it wasn't for some things I have to do here, but after this experience I'm thinking of going there to at least start studying while I take care of my cousin. I have much to think about, I'll have to talk it out with my bed 💤
Would you know 👀 I'm actually on ep 8 of All of us are dead, but I'll talk about that in another ask...
Well actually, these last days HxH has been really fun, I like this exam arc, but I prefer watching it with my friend bc I like to say stupid shit and we end up laughing all the time. (Actually Hisoka's parts usually have that flamenco music so we always make fun of it dancing to it 😂) Domestic Girlfriend is... confusing, like 'why are you making an anime about this??? 🧐'. Yeah, I'll check out that one then, the only sports anime I've seen is Haikyuu and I loved it, I'd like to watch Yuri on Ice and Free! Have you watched them?
It's good to hear that, must really come in handy knowing a person in every school, I could never 😂 Then I've totally achieved my goal 😌‼️ I always have much love to give so anytime you need reassurance, I'm here 🕴️
ahh... I wouldn't know... As I'm an only child I only know I would give my life for my parents, but I don't actually know if I'd like to have siblings... My mother told me she wanted to have manyyy kids, like 6 or so, but due to reasons she decided not to, but damn, I wouldn't want to be oldest sibling out of that bunch 👀 I can't even imagine the pressure.
Well, the first Agatha's book I read was 'And then there were none' at 13-14 for school, and to this day it's the first that comes to mind when recommending one, it really has you on the edge all the time (the introduction is kinda long and a little boring but after the dinner it all escalates) and bombastic plot twist 💥. Murder in the Orient express is also a classic.
Yeah, now my mind is in ‼️All of us are dead‼️but I'll check their synopsis out.
Take care and get better angel <3 - 💐
oh so you CAN speak french‼️meh i say don't be too concerned over an accent or the way you speak or anything 💔 it's so stupid that we gradually feel more self conscious about it as we grow up tho and like, the concern is so common and yet <//3 idk kids generally have it so easy with learning languages and talking since they don't hold back like we might do smh
pls im glad you're in the fluffy and fun and adventure filled era of hxh for now 😭 hisoka is sick af, but the music just makes it better yeah lmao it gets gradually so so dark and the tension just makes your neck sore sometimes 💔💔 there are so many "wtf" animes so ig domestic gf is that kind too haha i haven't watched yuri on ice (at least not in full episodes, i do know what goes on tho) but free! is still on my tbw list... for the past years.... still haven't watched it bc so many new stuff are coming out 😭🤚
thanking my dad for the amount of ppl ik istg i still don't know how my memory is capable of that </3 thanks for being the reliable older sister (figure) i never had 💜💔
trust me. being the oldest isn't worth any of its very few advantages 😐 im the oldest of four and you have to be the second mother to everyone. just— no. i would never recommend being born first and im very serious about this oml. ppl might always complain about being lonely as an only child, but that's far better than being constantly surrounded by multiple gremlins at once 🥴 they look up to you for everything, so you never get to make mistakes (as my mom always tells me to behave or else you're being "a bad influence" and teaching them something bad 💔🙁). also bc you were your parents' first kid, they'll be harsher on you but the rules they once reinforced on you will lighten up so much more with your younger siblings. okay im done with my mini rant anyways you can see how done i am with this entire older sister life 💀💀
after i finish my recently bought books, i'll be checking out and then there wer none!!
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deeton · 6 years
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vent
i swear i never do this. like not just on tumblr like in real life also literally last week i gently touched on the subject of my personal life matters to my proffesor and starting crying. i NEVER cry. why am i like this. anyways im gonna add one of these boys in cuz ig this is gonna be a long mf  post 
anyways i have no long term goals and i just dont,, fucking care,,, about school. but i love school so much. besides the schoolwork, obviously. but i love it here. i go to school in miami and im from michigan so like it’s actually fucking great. im finishing my sophmore year and writing this post instead of my essay that was due at 11:59 as it’s almost 5:30 am (oops forgot to hit send!) and i have another essay due i got an extention on thats in spanish and then i have my final spanish essay due tomorrow at 9 pm so im just not gonna sleep ig. i voluntarily do the wrong thing. like why . what the fuck. am i in control of my own control? im just so out of balance. and i just donntttt give a shit about anythingggg that i actually need to give a shit about. i wasnt always like this. i mean i use short term goals to get me by. make it to the next festival. make it to the next flight home to be w my parents whom i love dearly. but i dont feel a purpose for anything. i feel like i just want to make people happy and thats it. i just wanna make eveeryone happy. and theyre not. like my brother caused all this drama w my lesbian friends cuz theyre a couple and he deadass asked one of them to fuck behind the others back so now the other girl is salty and wont sell him wax and hes alwaaaaaaaaaays using wax all day every day and he doesnt get out much and his friends are shitty and hes so lonely and it’s so sad cuz hes actually really enjoyable to be around and idk whats goin on in his head. he doesnt believe in 12 steps. he may or may not have taken xans recently after all that work fighting a nasty battle with h for like a year at least. he told me he was thinkin of selling bars i said no dude. like you can just sell wax and not fuck up ppls lives and ik hell take it if he has it cuz thats what i would do. i just want him to have friends
anyways this is the end of my sophmore year of undergrad and it’s the first year where i actually made real live actual friends in mia who actually wanna hang out w me. im michigan i always had friends but each and every one of them is their special kind of wack and makes me sad sometimes but thats life ig???? or could it be better........................... oh except my family friends we’re all on some ride or die shit i love them. but i have friends kinda and it’s awesome but when im alone left w my own thought actively not writing essays i feel like such a piece of shit and im so full of hate. i constantly make hypothetical arguments with people im beefin with and i just make things seem os much worse in my head. i think i hold so much hate for so many people because im supplying it. i hate myself, and im spreading it onto actual stupid ppl who are stupid (thats not hate thats just fax) i dont wanna be gay. i hate myself for being gay. fuck counseling btw im not about that shit thats why im here lol. IDK my parents and family and friends love me for me but i just feel so guilty about it. i feel bad like all the time maybe thats why i look for an escape so much and look forward so heavily to music festivals. im literally awesome tho like im naturally the shit and am really cool and want to make ppl happy but i think i turn a blind eye to this negative side of myself. to be so full of hate it must be out in the open for people to see. i dont know what to do with it, where to put it, or how to destroy it. i just want to destroy myself instead, so instead of turning to drugs and alc, i turn to social media and not giving a shit about my future so that i can destroy my future self since i cant destroy the me who i am rn, otherwise id end up sent to rehab and super addicted to something. i wonder why i have 0 love life and i say im looking 4 love but where it @ tho. ppl just try and use me. and some people who are close to me turn out being weirdly jealous and start being mean and it fucking sucks. i need to meditate on it lol. this sucks, i cant wait to go home but i have to do the work first and i just dont. fucking. want to. 0 motivation. i can barely get out of bed in the morning and when i do thats just where i end up. i just keep telling myself nothing is real but it all is. i use to firmly be a solipsist and say nothing is real but human beings proved me wrong in good and bad ways. i could eat more than  i do i just havent been this last couple weeks bc deadlines mostly. fuck school but i love my school. it took me soooooo fucking long to find my people tho like wasted a year of my life so fuck that.
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mintyicee · 7 years
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Warning: skip this post if want
It’s a rant...and i absolutely hate you tumblr app bc i had to redue this twice now! >:(
Anyway, I’m used to being ignored. Everyone around me since i was little to being a young adult now has left me to own thoughts and corner in my home since forever. Though i am partially to blame being an introvert and an absolutely horrible friend in keeping contact with friends online, I mostly do so if i feel no one wants to hear, see, speak, or look at me. I will personally disappear and hide myself bc i feel it will make others happy if i wasnt around. As if i didn’t exist. True, not everyone in your life will be around forever and true, being oneself is your greatest friend. But, as shy or quiet as i am, I love being around other ppl. I dont want to be around ppl 24/7 but i do want to connect with ppl i feel can appreciate me at my fullest and without feeling like im weird or the odd ball that doesnt belong.
With that being said, I may be USED to it but i ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. As any human being would of coarse and a lot of ppl have it worse dont get me wrong. Making this rant already makes me feel selfish and in need of pity which isnt why im writing this. Simply put i want to push this anger out of me and get it out of my system bc i feel i cant move forward until i do so. And when it comes to my problems i suck at communicating it to others bc i feel they have much more important things to be doing then to babysit someone who is feeling down (but id drop everything to listen to others sadness bc i care way too much). 
I hate feeling like i did back when i lived in my hometown. Very lonely and sad. Constantly crying. I wouldn’t do anything all summer but cry in my room bc of how alone i felt. And i gave a very important part of me away just to make sure i had at least one person hanging around. I regret it very much but my efforts to hang out with the friends i saw at school outside of school would be very close to zero. Everyone is either busy or just low key didnt want to hang out with me. Tho i was lucky to have at least one friend I would see more in certain grades, it wasnt constant. And once all the drama with my nuclear family subsided, i was much more alone in the house than before middle school. 
I didnt have a cellphone or home phone, no internet either till i moved and started high school. The things that kept me going usually was my writing, music, and cartoons. Seriously being serious here. The way Id touch base with any of my school friends was to walk to their house and be lucky if they had time or were home. When i moved i had so much hope that Id find ppl to share and spend time with. Not only that but i was in the real world and no longer stuck in a house like a prisoner or place for that matter. But like stupid ppl or racists, the same ppl pop up everywhere as well as the loneliness i was hoping to leave behind. Only it came in a new form: even when im around others. I am/was happier here tho. No longer confined in my hometown house. But recently it feels like i am. This summer has been my loneliest since the move and the feeling like no one cares about me at all have all come back at my lowest and most crucial decision making time of my life. Not being in school this semester/school year is hitting me hard and no job call backs for a whole month now either. 
Partially my fault tho. The new friend crew ive been spending time with have been ignoring anything i said in the group chat. Id be skipped over and lately it feels as if im just upsetting certain ppl and end up talking about me behind my back. Really nothing new but I’ve just had enough of it. Like always I distanced myself and stopped talking all together. I’ve been more political upset in recent days due to certain issues on twitter but I’ve only been talking to my boyfriend and my mother. In hindsight tho, they really are my best friends. They are here for me at my highest and lowest no matter how many times i cry or how suddenly i get upset or frustrated. They are the ones to accept me for who i am. No one else has done this to the extent as they have and really thats all i need. Even if i dont get any other long term friends i dont care bc i know they will be by my side till the end. 
But I also want to say that if you didnt want to be my friend in the first place or you wanted me to initiate the conversation first then u should at least comment back at what im saying. If i said something dumb or something that didnt add to the convo then tell me dont just ignore me like im stupid. I refuse to be your “friend” that you only want around to be made fun of. I’ve been through a lot and yes ik u have your share of problems but if your going to only look at yourself and care about yourself then i dont need you. Im good without having that in my life. Ive had my fill of people who act like that to me. And im also tired of people who dont care about others and present issues. I CRY ABOUT PPL I DONT KNOW THAT ARE ON THE NEWS WHETHER NAMED OR NOT. HELL I CRY EVEN IF THEY ARENT ON THE NEWS! There are soooo many ppl who have it way worse than myself who suffer daily and im sick of hearing ppl dont care about the ppl and situations around them! I wont sit here making an excuse as to why i cant help its the same old issues no money (no job as mentioned above) hell even no car but that doesnt matter. I still pray! I pray for safety of others and i pray that ppl will be alright and i pray that things will get better! And also mentioned earlier, ive been reposting about current issues on twitter! This is small but i want to try!
So please if you had no intentions of sticking around me at any of my current moods, dont appreciate the person i am, or relatively dont give a fuck then dont involve yourself in my life. Yes it hurts to be alone but Id rather have that and be alone then FEEL ALONE WITH PPL IVE COME TO CARE FOR! Also, if I have helped you through thick n thin and you think u can pop into my life whenever you feel like it only to stop talking to me or purposely upset me and even threaten me? GTFO of my life and dont come back! Ever (yes this is about a certain friend who moved away and i helped not commit suicide that im holding a grudge at)!  And if you honestly are going to get upset at the actions ive done and say you do good things when you have zero sign of love for others in your hearts, live in a bubble of your own world, and follow the bible “word for word” get out of my face too bc i dont need ppl who say they are here to help others only to shun me if i dont constantly keep verses in my head or do things the way you want them to be and to have me fight my own demons while going against your beliefs and saying that im not doing what im supposed to (yes this is about church)! I DO THINGS AND CARE WAY MORE THAN YOU DO TRUST ME AND THIS IS THE ONLY TIME IM EVER GOING TO SELFISHLY SAY SO BC ITS BETTER TO BE HUMBLE AND NOT ARROGANT. I TRY SO HARD NOT TO JUDGE YOU YET YOU GET TO JUDGE ME? NO I DONT THINK SO YOU SHOULD START AT LEVEL ONE AGAIN AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! (still about church not friends here). Also dont worry about the level one thing; you would know what this means if you went to the same church. 
I’ve been couping with the idea that all i need is two friends. I’m so grateful and blessed to have them in my life and if im truly meant to have more than it will be so. I know two others of whom i need to apologize for hardly emailing or sending a message to. I feel so bad i have neglected them only bc ive been feeling so down about this and other issues (like before: school, no job/car, possibly changing career and life goals, etc) but really is no excuse. Welp I’ve said all i wanted to say for the moment. There is another topic i wish to vent about but it will have to be for another day bc i have no energy to complain about that topic. If anyone read all this im sorry i took time out of your day and that I hope you are doing well. I hope you continue to live your life to the fullest and to celebrate the good things not the bad that comes along. I just really needed to vent these emotions so i can finally concentrate on what i need to do. Thank you for listening <3
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futanaritalizorah · 7 years
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Please...let me sleep... *hugs shiba kiba inu tight* my body refuses this medicine...i just feel exhausted all the time as a result...ans tonight in particular i canr shut my brain off...just long enough to stop being sick... I pray harder...i told connor i used to pray to god...angry but...i founf myseld being more thankful...this was months ago...now i find myself just praying for forgiveness...praying for more...more for us...there has to be more...i prqy until i fall asleep...cause i dont want my mind to wander...i pray cquse i have to believe theres some purpose to it all... i pray Cause if you cant give closure...rhen god certainly will...im in his hands.... So i pray now...cause im scared...and lonely...and tired...and exhausted...and just wanting resf from being sick every other time....i pray xause all i have is shiba kiba inu. And i hope nemo still looks out for you as shiba kiba inu does for me on nivhts like these. Or mornings im a wreck and wont haul my ass out of bed. Im a mess This fever has me so emotional too so gr9 Ugh i just wanna know whag i did wrong When theres a liar right in your face. Theyre nor even rral. They xatfiahed a person...they told ypu i banned them feom ts when i didnt do sucg a thing....why am i still the one thats the liar t.T i pointed oit they mighr use uou and...so what...now im at fault? We all got played yet i feel like im mpre wrong for knowing it than the person eho was actually responsible...t.T Wpply that to wvery other sitition. I wasnt responsible for people leaving. Thwy left xause of their own accord t.T im tired of being blamed I wanna be blamed for beinf stupid for stayibf tgis lonf. I want jose eric ans savid to slap me causr i stayed when they told me i need to looj out for myself t.t i wanna slap myself xause i was nice and stupid and dis things out of love for you but...where was thay love foe me. Why didnt i love myself enough to know i deserve better. Self respect. Why. Connor. Ufh. Connor. I told connor i prayed kinder things now. He left me as well. He left me as well. But i dont vlame him. I wouldnt wanna see me in this rut either. Hugs shiba kiba inu hugs harder* :c i dojt vlame people for wanting to leave me Please god just let me sleep T.T my mind is tired tonight. Please never let him feel this way. Ever. Cauae its so crippling to live this way. I hate crawling our of bed in the afternoon T.T i hate aleeping angry. Confusrd. Sad. Lonely. Betrayed. Usrd. I haye not beinf comfortable in my own skin because every ounce of love was misconstdued and tuened against me. That kell hoe catfished and im still cwlled manipulativw. Fun fact: kell lied. Not me. Kell lied about his/her/ their life. So they lied avout whay thwy told uou. Aris has photos. Gold has experience. Val has screen shots. Kevin streamed it all. Theres picture qns video peoof. And you chose fqke eveeu time. Thats not on ME cwuse YOU chosr fqke. I cant bring myself to be around you cause im not gonna be confused as one of those fake friends. You treat those frienda you,have well. They...are a solid 100% bunch. I was fown and shit on myself and...each one...showed up...they sgowed up abd made sure i was ok. You have great friends. Dobt confuse a pretry fucking catfishing face as a friwnd Because i lost a friend too when i found about kell. She promisrd she woildnt hurt me. And look who cobtrivuted to mwking a mockery of my,life. Kell fucked me up in ways you wont understand. All you see is a pretrt xatfishibg giel thay rwjected ypu. Worse? She played with youe fwelings. But i could have told u thay. Elligator (that fucker you were fihting with in allies?) Also had a thibg going on with kell before ann. Surprise. Ik that cwuse kell played innocent but i didnt judge. Not until she stwrted making you into one of hee toys too. You idiot. I looked out for you. Kelsrara? U told the gm not to t2ll me cwus3 im crazy. And im your ex. You idiot. I knew long befoee becwuse kelsara kept harassinf me.i have ss of thay as well. In fact keyrus had to step in becaus3 kelsara just wouldnt stop harassibf me T.t you wnna se eharasment?? You fucking see the shit i had to deal with because od the lies *you* made and the mistakes *you* made. I had to deal with the afteemath abd i had to d3al with youe byllshit when u went aeound and told people slander aboht me. I knew! And i didnt *hate* you. What made me not stqnd yoy was your lies about me! Ask kell! I knew about kelsar! I knew! Ask aris! Yet i didnt fucking attack you qbout it when you cqme back to the gqme. I knew and i didnt bothee you qbout it T.T i deqlt with it. Like a fuckong human. I dealth with it So dont yoy fucking say you didnt hurt me. Cause you hqve no right to sqy you didnt hurt me. Cwuse thqts qll ive felt. Alll i wanted to hear was a solid stoey od what i did to you. Not one of them hqd stoei3s vexauae you hqve none. I loved you. With qll my heart. I cared too muchm that is called love So fuckinf decide if you want real or fake. Cquse i gave you real stories that are long lasting. Your lies will run out. You wre more thwn thia so stop lyinf. You left the pawn shop cquse you didnt like tueninf people away. You wanted to help. Stop calling me crazy and every othee shot when i speak the world of you despite qll this shit you keep pilinf on me. Knoe who made tge mistakes. I didnt fuckinf do shit with kell or kelsarq. Those were your mistakes. Not mine. In fact i told everyone rlse the sqme shit. I told them to ruck pff you xause you made mistqkes vut you dont deserve to be crucified. We qll deserve bettee *hugs shiba kiba inu* Im tired of sobbing qnd nobody hears a thinf. Fuxkinf do me a favor and log into swtor. Fuckinf app is too nuch of a pussu to tqlk to you avout liquidatinf. He wants to sell the fuild. If you dobt log in > he gets gm > he sells the guild O am i mqnipulativw again? No you fuck. Peoplr have disappointed me relebtlessly. I am the burxen of bad news. Why? Cause i fucking tqlk 5o them. I listen. That is how i know. So fucking get online and kick or whatever or discuss it witha pp. O hate hes doinf this when he could just discuss it. Ill hqte myself foe tellinf u thos cquse youll find a way to say i wqs reaponsible foe it. And ill hqte you for blaming me again. And then ill hqte myself cause i let you blame me agaib. I warned you cause youre a friebd...or...once a friend...idk...you said we werent driensa...you tell me Ik where i wanna stand. Im tired of feeling lost like an animal looking dor a home. I sound angey tellinf you this but underatand where im coming feom. My options are thin. You dobt teust me for God knows what reason. Here, lets say app doea get the guild and aella it...youre fonna blame me xquse i simply *knew* about it. But im hoping you know bettwe than to do that cause i pointed it out before it happened. I cqnt even comfortably talk to app abymore ever aince he admitted to wanting to liquidate shit. So i cant. I cqnt wqtch this unwind in front of me. I cqnr watch a supposed friend of yours liquidate the guild. And what? Youll come back homeless? I cqnt watch cause your "friend" is reaponsible for that Lets say i could have warned you. Could i have? Could i prwvwnt this feom hqppenibg? Or will you blow it in my face as me teykng to mqnipulatw people This was apps idea. Npt mine. Im simply relaying tge msg. I never hated you. So get your fucking eggs in a line. Cause im not th3 one fucking you,over. Kell, kels, and now...possibly app Thats what im deqlinf with even tho,youve been gone. I wish app wpuld just discuss it with you. He thinjs youre gone forever. Nah. I doubt it. Othwrwise that fuild would be gone officiaply. God just fix your shit before you blame me for it. I gried so hard. You kee0 nlaming me for wbeeythinv goinf weonf in your life. I only remember being ypue biggest supportwr next to your mom. What the fuck ever. I warned you...so please...dont hate me for knpwing...he might npt liquidate it if you come back to the game...itll give him a reason to play...but...sigh...im tired of beinf the bad person...i try to avoid peoppe from seeinf u thay way...uve just had toufh days...but...u uraeld paint me in that light... So ..self respect... whats wronf with me
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stim-urself · 7 years
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im just really depressed pls dont read this
yooo so i fricken idek 
im like on my computer because i wanna set up  a nice queue so i can keep my blog like consistant so yall can see pretty things idek i feel dumb for that??? idek but i get on here and i keep trying but my focus and brain hurts and i look at the screen for no more than twenty seonds before getting distracted by something else and it sucks because by the time i look back at the computer, anything that i WAS interested in has already like slipped my mind and idek what im looking at anymore!!!! aNd plus its like my head is killing me maybe because my wisdom teeth are comin in???? idk!!! idk anything right now lol!!! I have brain fog i hate it i hateit and like 
i jssst did it again ohmygod i literally just looked away for like five minutes and loko back and realise that  i was writing trhis post???!? jesus christ????>! im like so over it all lol! like forreal im hurting so bad and i knEW That i wouldn’t be able to do much at all today so i was wanting to set up the queue and then do my BEST to take a shower , i was gonna eat but reemembered we are out of food. honestly i odn’t even know what to do at this point i can bare;y even function anymore and i can’t make any sort of money adn the job i did have online isn’t somethign i can do anymore because my body ust KEEPS fighting me and i hate it i wish i could just like do some crazy deed and get a new one or sell my fucking soul idek tbh like i just dont know what to do. im so worried and scared all the time and one of the few fun things i have left in life is the internet (certain parts of it obviously lol) and like this blog helps me a ton and i can’t even enjoy it really either and i just wanna so bad i just wanna be chill and be oka and not hurt so bad ican barely hadnle it. like its so stupid why is this? a thing? and on the outside im like chill af and almost 90% of the time,unless you are conner or shaina, you have no idea that im hurting so bad i could break down at any moment!!! its rlly dumb!!iii alWAYS do my best to be a happy person (which never really works but im good at coming off positive, which is all that matters yanno) and i always do everything i can to be a good friend and not make people worry about me more than they already do !!1 and lately ive been so scared to ask for help at all because honestly im so tired of my whole life being a charity case but like forreal i hae no idea what tod o at this point and its so fucking scary . my mental and physical health is so shit at this point and like????a efw weeks ago i went to the store and the lady checking out my groceries yanno being a good worker or whatever and she was like ‘how are yall doing today :)” and i was like im good!!! and then like i started to tear up???? infront of the random worker lady??? i felt so bad and i tried to not let her notice because idek i dind’t want her to think maybe she did something wrong??? idek and conner was liek woah woah you okay?? why are you crying hunny its gonna be okay we are about to be leaving and i was like yeah no im fine! and he made me go on to the car and wait for him and mom . i felt so stupid. and i just wish i knew what to do with myself. i hate living in the hotel. i feel like, idek im so blessed and happy to even have a roof over my head, access to the internet, i have clothes to wear (most of the time), i have access to water, ellectricity, a shower and shampoo, ect, so i feel like a total shit person for even complaing, so i never really do but like this is my post and i highly doubt anyone at all has read this far lol so oh well!!! like
this hotel room is sos small and im stuck living with my ex and i am still so desperately inlove with him and honestly our relationship is so unhealthy for me but honestly i have no where else to go and if i got down to it, even if i got out, id probaly want him to come with me lol but honestly though like atleast it wouldn’t be here in this ne room with our one bed where WE sleep and our mini fridge and the one tv with his xbox and his food and his things and his stuff that im literally just a bum yall.
and i don’t even have a way to fix it and like last time i went to stay with my mom (which isint’ even an option anymore because she just moved in with my aunt,) i was without help for the first time inn a while and my body honestly can’t take shit anymore and i woke up and as usual i couldn’t fucking walk and i had to peee and i was crying like the second my eyes opened lol because im a lil bitch honestly and it hurt so bad and i did my best to try to stannd up but the matress was on the floor and i couldnt get up and i ended up fzallling and when i fell i fucking pissed myself. l;ike forreal. a 20 yr old pissing herslef. i was so fucking mortified and i couldnt really move and it was so embarrasing and no one weas there to see it thank god but i was stuck there for a good ten minutes. l;o,l1!! wowowow how awesome!!! andyanno its so ssscary because i know the issues i have like, dont get better. like they don;.t thats just not how it works. infact they ten to get worse for msot people, so im like stuck, and its so scary to know that someday , if i make it, imma be a 30 yr old, unable to walk, lonely and probably dying from the weight on top of her heart because she got so fat nothin could fit it! and in so much pain that she can’t even wipe her own ass!! lol! wow yanno honestly thix post makes me seem insane. but fuck that like hoenstly. honestlly i don’t have a single soul to tell anything to anymore. i feel so trapped, and scared and worried and i am crying and stresssed and honestly fuck it if me writing a thousand miles a minute helps me feel better, so be it like im not ebeven gonna worry .i just rreally wish i knew what to do to make things right. 
ok imma go now . if you read all of this, im so sorry , but thankyou for taking your time to care about me.
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