#but im hoping that it wont happen again too
thespacecowboyyy · 9 months ago
I feel so sick again
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warmthpdf · a year ago
today was so good aaah i feel in love with the world again and with life and with the people in /my/ life :')
#went to the park with two of my best friends and it was sunny and i wore a dress for the first time in years#but i wasnt scared and i wasnt anxious and we hugged a lot and laughed so hard and it was comfy#and it just felt like home and it felt like the project was *actually* over now and i could breathe again#and i had a monster for the first time and juno cant get over how small my hands are when we compared <////3#dax has been kin assigned as my dad ☹#but aah omg today was so good and it just makes me !!! SO EXCITED FOR SUMMER AND MY BDAY#AND IM JUST!!!!! IM RLY NOT AFRAID RIGHT NOW. OF THE FUTURE AND GROWING UP AND BEING LEFT BEHIND#because its all so trivial and irrational to be afraid of things that havent happened yet and probably wont because heres the thing!#maybe the people who love me.. do!!!!!!!!!????#maybe i can be loved and maybe i dont have to be good enough for that or be pretty or fully healed or recovered#and i dont have to perform or pretend. i can just be me and become me - whoever that is yk :)#ive never been more excited for my 18th and to have the best summer i can and be with my closest friends ever and live n survive n be okay#feeling hopeful and in love with the world and my friends and the fact i get to exist with them#i dont love being myself yet and i dont really know who that is yet because itd be attaching fixed words to a not fixed state of self#im constantly changing and i want to be okay with that. and i will be i think#i think ill get there and i have people who will still be there when i get to that point#maybe my fear of change is linked to that whole thing of fearing things ending and therefore friendships ending#like if an old version of myself ''ends''. will the love that people have for me end too ? idk a weird self centred but not unfounded fear#THINGS TO WORK THRU HMMM.. TUMBLR TAGS ARE NOT THERAPY BUT THIS IS MY LIL DIARY OF SORTS IG#i hope me articulating my thoughts helps u articulate ur own#i love u goodnight im going on a train for the first time in a longggg time tomorrow and im nervous but so excited#mine
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gayspock · 9 months ago
odo with that mixing bowl in Equilibirum is very important to me. if anyone has that scene gif'd please forward it to me, post haste.
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versatile-mango · 4 months ago
so this guy from mid school randomly called me on messanger and it turns out he was high as balls and i talked him through it and he was very chaotic and said that i “should take money for being so nice” and “whatever your pronouns are now” lmao
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aristotels · 4 months ago
i literally cant believe ukraine crisis is managing to get worse
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writerofshit · a year ago
I see your Jeremy giving Gavin piggy back rides and raise you drunk/exhausted Michael just collapsing onto Jeremy and when Jeremy tries to make him move all Michael can mumble out, because of course he's about to pass out, is "You're strong, you carry me". Cue Jeremy carrying a sleeping Michael through the base to his bed every god damn time.
This is too cute!!!
Jeremy's just in the living room, replaying Spyro for the ???th time and minding his own business, when Michael comes stumbling up the stairs. Being gone for some job he got sent out on that took too much brain power, plus the long ass drive back, makes for him faceplanting onto Jeremy's chest the moment he sees him.
"Michael, man, I was-" but Michael is literally already asleep. It's a miracle he made it home at all. Jeremy still has some use of his controller, and he's content to let Michael nap on him until he's finished.
That, as it turns out, takes about 20 minutes, and then hes gently shaking Michael awake. Michael, who is perfectly happy where he is, thank you very much.
"Michael, hey, come on. You gotta get to bed."
"Mm. I am." He mumbles.
"No, you're laying on me. I'm not bed." It's hard to be mad when half-asleep Michael is so goddamn adorable.
"Ugh. Fine." But he doesn't move away, just clings a little tighter to Jeremy. "You're strong. Carry me."
"You're strong too, dude. You can carry yourself. I believe in you."
"Mhm." He swipes half heartedly at Jeremy's arm. "You're stronger. Please."
And fuck him if it's not the quiet little please that absolutely melts him. "Alright, sure, I'll carry you. But you gotta let me get up first."
Michael pulls back just enough to allow Jeremy to move, before collapsing right back down on the couch with a mumbled "I'll fuckin...get...get you up."
"Whatever you say, man." Jeremy cant help the smile. Even half asleep Michael's got shit to say. He picks him up as carefully as he can, one arm under his legs and the other wrapped around his back. Michael's head immediately falls to his shoulder, and he makes a contented noise.
It's a short distance to Michael's room, and the door is already open, thank christ. He deposits Michael into the bed as softly as he can. Before he can leave, Michael grabs his wrist. Not hard, nowhere near tight enough to keep him there, but just enough to make it clear what he wants.
And now Michael is looking up at him through fluttering eyelashes, and dammit Jeremy is only so strong. "Uh. Sure." He slips into the bed, wrangling the blankets enough to actually cover them. Michael rolls into him, firmly faceplanted onto his chest again.
He mumbles a final quiet "thank you." And then he's asleep.
It seems they always do this, find gentle, quiet comfort in each other. Don't take it any farther. Just grateful to have someone to sleep beside, to hold on nights like these. Who knows, maybe one day they'll really explore the feelings that sit just on the edges of these moments. Maybe they'll figure it out, do it right. Stop making excuses and just allow themselves to want one another.
For now, though, they have this. And Jeremy's gotta admit, it's a pretty damn good thing to have.
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rosemarybranch · a year ago
ok school update in da tags for anyone who cares <3
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oflgtfol · 9 months ago
on one hand i am so excited for mando s3 i miss all the characters so badly but also like. i have literally no idea how the plot is gonna go and i feel like it so easily can veer into shit i Do Not Care For and so im also dreading it in case its disappointing
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sad-mcmuffin · a year ago
hi odd we've been mutuals for years now and i just wanna say u've always been hot and u always will be. fat hairy ppl fuck!
Ilysm my guy im working on accepting that but its always nice to hear 💛💛💛
#srsly ty ily#to elaborate on my dilemma if anyones interested:#i genuinely like my body hair it helps w my dysphoria and shaving is literally painful for me bc of my sensitive skin#but im afraid other ppl wont like it ykno?? im not too worried abt it from lgbt ppl but mostly w cis men i still kinda feel like theyll#expect a certain level of femininity from me j by looking at me and then when ykno the clothes come off they wont be into it#i need to let go of that but like if i was trying to be physically intimate with someone and they show any sign of like disgust even if#they dont mean to it would absolutely destroy any confidence i have#and im so terrified of that happening that i push ppl away and remain celibate lmaoooo#i havent had sex in over a year bc of this fear lmao#but im working on it!! im talking to this guy and its long distance rn bc covid but once im back in nyc we're gonna bone down#i am genuinely excited to see him and do stuff so im hoping i can use that to push past my fear and let myself be a lil vulnerable ykno??#plus theres the whole fat femme ppl are pushed to perform extreme femininity in ordered to be attractive and like respected lol#and lowkey i feel like w girls they expect a certain level of masculinity from me so me being so curvy is a bit of an insecurity there#but thats mostly bc my ex lowkey kinda fetishied me being trans lmao#idk if she meant to but that was v much the vibe i got everytime we were intimate#and again without clothes i dont feel like im masculine enough bc of my tig ol biddies n shit#so yeah im figuring out my shit lmao#but i rly am getting better w it im trying to let go of anxities and open up a bit and like keep in mind that if they arent into my body or#want me to change it then theyre a shit person and they dont deserve to fuck me lmao#anyway thx for letting me vent ily guys 💛💛💛
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pepprs · 2 years ago
its almost 4:30 but i just have to say i feel so restless. like is this really... idk im kinda starting to fall asleep finally so im not articulating myself well lel but is this really..... It. is the entire purpose of everyone’s lives just gonna get totally derailed for the next few yrs w permanent consequences cuz of this stupid fuckin virus. all the trajectories and dreams and paths and doors closed and dashed and whatever. im mad... like it’s bigger than just me and i know this. but like im finding songs that are just... U know.. songs ur meant to ache on campus to. And songs ur supposed to play on repeat while ur on the plane headed to A Conference™️ and itll b stuck in ur head the whole time ur there becoming an entirely new person in 4 days in a place you’ve never been before.... who knows if or when that’s ever gonna happen again. it’s bigger than that and it’s bigger than me like kim people are dying but. i just want to move.. take walks. see people and grow. im growing here but it’s slow and stilted (not 2 mention... facing active resistance but that’s another story for a different post entirely) a nd. i miss the thrill.., i miss walking it out when I felt it at least. Miss adventure and cementing shit like this in my head forever. It’s all in the timing and it’s just my luck. Like good luck and bad luck. Like yes I get to shape shit now instead of following in everyone’s footsteps and I am extraordinarily privileged and grateful to have so very much to shape.......... but the ppl older than me got to do shit that I won’t get to cuz corona left it in tatters. and it’s fine and I have to accept that and make the best of it even though it’s so hard to do that and it would’ve been so righteous and good to have had such a glorious arc and I am gonna use that word Glorious cuz i have...... come 2 recognize myself as like. deserving of good things or whatever 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 but things should have been different 4 me and 4 everyone in the present and future that’s all and they r just doomed now and i don’t know what to do w that
#i couldve gone to new orleans this fall. i didnt even know that until tonight that that couldve happened. and it wont but in the alternate#universe wherd im going to new orleans thjs fall im doing laps around campus sparkling abt it alreadt. in that alternate universe im getting#readyy for minneapolis because even tho i lost brighton theres still hope in the world and i will still be on a plane home on june 6. idk#like yes all these things are falling into place. im pr*senting and shit and.. coordinating The Retreat but. we’re so limited with this#virtual shit. like u mean i have to spend tbe next 3 yrs of my life under fucking house arrest leading sessions fromthe backseat when i am#SO supposed to be moving my body and taking in the atmosphere of a new town.. and people ive never met who will be important 2 me.. idk. idk#we’re good at making lemonade from lemons and i know thjs. i dont dount it for a second. but is the juice worth the squeeze and will i still#be around when we can just gdt juice again.. like i am so conscious of how much of my life is just pssing right now and i cant get it back#cuz this shit is kust. catastrophic and by the time its done i’ll be... older! too old. for so much. already gone. and idk how to even conce#conceptualize it all i know is i cant shut up and im very sad. anyways this is all to say i wuld like to listen to hot faced by margaux#while power walking on campus or flying throhgh the air or something and not stuck and still in the dark garage for the 1000th day in a row.#ok thank u 4 listening thsts all. if i said any of this no i didjt ♥️#purrs
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comeforted · a year ago
no one's gonna notice. no one's gonna see. no one's gonna come. no one is gonna come. no one cares enough to come.
why do i have to care about myself, how do i even go about learning that. apparently i'm the one that will help me. but how do i care to save me when no one ever did show me how.
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andragoras-in-vanity · 2 years ago
sigh when am i going to receive homoerotic love letters in my ask a-la a knight in love with a prince and although theyd be a disgrace to pursue those feelings they're willing to do so because they're just so damn in love and, should i respond in kind, willing to sneak away and be scandalous whenever we have the chance?
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deleealli · a year ago
if we get bale back it’ll be the single best thing that’s EVER happened to me............ever
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imnotabean · 2 years ago
peeps i wont b posting until i do the fkckging horse idea so please be patient i will be gone 
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ko-eko-ev-go-ms · a year ago
Hghhghggg bad brain tiiiiiimeeee
#thoughts#oni talks#oni vents#its that time of year again#or at least getting close#depressing birthday thoughts#thats the time of year#except this year has so so so much more tied up into it than it normally would#and i just feel so awful right now#i wanna be hopeful and excited and for once i have something i do#but its stupid and i feel guilty and nothing will happen anyway#and i dont deserve anything anyway bc i was awful this year#and its stupid and childish and nice guy-y of me to want what i want out of that specific person#but then also ill be 20 which means my 19 reason wont be here anymore and i wont be safe anymore#but for once im also in a good enough plaxe where i sort of almost actively dont want to die? and thats weird? but the safety net will still#itll still be gone and thats terrifying#and theres so so so much other stuff too#i want to be happy and hopeful at the possibilities surrounding that person for my birthday#but i feel so guilty just from that alone#and then theres more on top of it too and just idk today spiraled downwards very quickly#it started amazingly since i woek up early enough to get coffee and real breakfast#and i even got a smoothie to have fruits and actually try for once#and not just tht but i finally weighed myself and ive lost weight!!#but now im just sitting here anxious and upset and i want to hope and be be excited but i feel so guilty and stupid and bad and just#i already had a shit time with my therapist this week and i think i need a new one or smth and i need meds too#idk suddenly theres so much on my mind i feel bad about and my chest hurts and i feel awful idk
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guccifloralsuits · 2 years ago
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theday · 2 years ago
uh insensitivity in tags i guess
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roaringheat · 2 years ago
For some reason, no matter what i do, i can't get into my fallout new vegas game and im so upset wtf
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xjanusx · 2 years ago
im so lost and confused and sad and so tired i cant keep my eyes open and idk what to do. i’d go nuts without thomas tbh.
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grimmthorne · a month ago
finishing high school this year is so fucked like are you kidding me. this is my third high school year affected by covid-19, then there's a category 5 hurricane that rips my town to absolute shreds and i live with family for 6 months and go absolutely insane, move to a rental, and now this is my last week of highschool. still can't fucking drive, and now i only talk to one person because im too scared to talk to the rest of the people i used to be really close with because i literally had an episode that lasted probably a month in total. and now im just, supposed to be done? im supposed to be normal about this? are you kidding me?
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