#but im left just as lonely as i always was

[oldestking]

Sometimes I ponder the idea of going back to a single blog, like,, not in the sense of leaving my currently active multi behind, or Gil behind, but like, that craving of having a new muse, that has their own space,, it feel like I haven't have that in some time already (and to those who know me, it's nothing unusual to find 844738382 blogs following u which are all mine OTJRPRJTRK)

#;ooc #ooc #late night thoughts after a long day #like i really crave connections and dynamics but sometimes i feel like on my end as the multi blog; i might be making it difficult to othe- #and mainly;;; single muse aesthetics and reblogging memes and knowing that the muse u chose will be the one receiving prompts all the time #aOASUUREJTJJTK #i just feel a bit lonely lately; trying to not let that squeeze under my door but; y know! the usual ; would someone remember this blog #if i went on hiatus? or does someone get excited whem i reply? i wonder about my writting too; is it really conveying the feelings i want #to put out there? #like; to this day i still remember this k.arna rper; gosh their voice for k.arna was spectacular; they arent on the rpc anymore as far as #im aware of; but ill lways remember them as the cool karna blog #or my friend squiwe and their unpredictable Bartholomew roberts! always a delight #to this day i still think k about old blogs now left to the wind and taking a peek atthem and goinf #wowowoajwkwoaokwaww this person wrote their character in such awesome way!!! #i wonder if any of my muses left something behind #that would be great #ok its late im gping to bed but apologues for the typos

[dancing-with-stars]

guys. guys !!!!

#vanu is rambling #ok idk this is gonna b a happy post but i think there are lots of people who love me in this world. or at least enjoy my presence. #like i always always always ALWAYS doubt if my friends or family like me and in my head they all secretly hate me #but like for these past couple months things have been different. #i don’t feel so left out (like i usually do in groups) or alone. #like my friends genuinely want me there like they always ask me to go places with them. and i almost always say no because im so busy or #i just cant but they still ask me everytime. yesterday the whole group was calling and playing a game and i got a bunch of texts like hey #where are you u shud join the call it’s rly fun ! but i just couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone at that moment. #today they were rly happy when i joined the call and idk it made me feel like. oh. maybe my friends do like me #and also i have two moods: i’m either super talkative or i go into my little shell and don’t say anything/add to a convo. and like during #those moments they’ll be like hey u ok? or they’ll just listen to me talk about ceramics and how fun it is or how much i hate eating pears #and like. we laugh so much together. like i have so much fun with all of them i love every single one of them omg #and scary thing is we might not even be friends after we start college. but yk what? that’s okay i don’t wanna think about that. #because like who cares? i’m not gonna let my fears ab the future ruin my friendships. i’ll always love them anyways. and we’ll always call. #i’m glad i met them. they’re all such beautiful and funny and amazing strong willed-people. they are my friends. #it’s just so crazy to me that they willingly want to spend time w me and are sad when i can’t. and they’re so understanding at the same time #they don’t get mad about it. and like they have mad eng last year in high school so much more enjoyable. #someone told me that this is ur last year do things so when you look back you don’t regret anything- so you can be proud of what you did #and my friends helped me with that. and like i still feel lonely the majority of the class because despite this there’s like a permanent #stain of sadness right there at the bottom of my heart. but they make the hard days more manageable. #like i’ve been on call with these people until ungodly hours at night just laughing and i go to sleep feeling a bit lighter. #they introduced me to the tech side of theater which i never thought i’d get into but here i am. they teach me silly facts and words in asl. #they taught me dances- knowing full well i SUCK at it- because we all had fun with it. theyve taught me it’s OKAY to be vulnerable in #friendships and that sometimes being open/yourself is quite literally the best thing you can do for your own soul and others. they’re cool #people really. really cool people

[attaboy-art]

day 07: legacy

[Image ID: A darkly colored digital painting done with oil brushes of Alfendi Layton, from Layton Brothers Mystery Room, sitting at his desk in his office at dawn, as seen from the back corner of the room. He is sitting cross-legged with a cup of tea in his hands and he is blankly staring forwards. Behind him is a large window with the blinds half-down showing a grey dawn sky with mutliple buildings and Big Ben in within view. The same wall the window is on also has shelves, newspaper clippings, and a framed letter of apology addressed to Alfendi. In front of him is a messy desk with a lamp, a rotary phone, and a typewriter sitting on top, dimly shining in the light. /.End ID.]

#lb;mrweek #i know im late im sorry im so sorry #i spent tonight and last night looking for my cat up in the park for a couple of hours so i havent had much time to paint #but. I really didnt wanna miss the last day. So #fun fact i started seeing bugs on my ipad while drawing this #anyways. ANYWAYS its time for me to Explain My Reasoning #originally i had a ton of different sketches right. i couldnt choose which one i wanted to do for this prompt #one was of the layton fam greeting al post-game. one was a polaroid of lucy and al posing next to the letter of apology #and the last one was gonna be an abstract-ish portrait of al #but none of them were working with me so i decided. Actually. What do /I/ Think #basically. u know me u know im always on my poor little alfendi shit. #and i was like. well. post-game #post-game hes probably still reeling from everything that happened. Fendi that is but also Al #and hes probably just. like. Holy fuck. Holy shit man #after 4 long lonely years he's finally gotten his name cleared and has gotten an apology from the Nebulous Yard #but. its not like he can go back. Its not like hes going to pretend that none of those years ever happened #he cant forget that ostracization. the alienation. the demonization. The Izations #the wounds of being left behind cannot heal just yet. and thats okay #and its just. What really is al's legacy. He doesnt fight a big robot or save the world. He fought trauma. He fought suppression. And he won #and you KNOOOWWWW my babygirl is a workaholic. you know he stays at the office because its better than being surrounded by reminders at home #AND. LASTY.... dawn is a recurring motif in the laytonverse. dawn symbolizes the end. it symbolizes new beginnings and rebirth yadda yadda #lastly* good lord #so i reallt wanted to capture that feelinf of like. Pulling an all nighter when youre in a fucked up area of your life #and just looking at the grey skies above and thinking sunrise was supposed to be more worthwhile than this #hope u all enjoy. im going to hide my ipad and stylus in a safe for the next week #art #professor layton #lbmr #layton brothers mystery room #alfendi layton

[britneyshakespeare]

i have 10 shakespeare plays left that i have not read

#of the 38 canon texts #fewer if you dont consider two noble kinsmen to be an official work? #bc it's coauthored and not included in the first folio #i read timon of athens this week #i read 11 shakespeare plays THIS YEAR. i thought i was gonna leave it at 10 #but i liked the odds better if i read more this year than i had left to complete #tales from diana #i really do not know why i was so voracious reading shakespeare. well yes i do. i was lonely #and seldom left the house #much like i did the first year when i owned the riverside shakespeare and was reading at a similar rate #i guess i also got into the frenzy of 'omg i can complete this soon' #whereas when i was younger i was reading for the joy of it. skipping in any order i wanted to #this year i finally read a bunch of the plays that i felt like i cant believe i hadnt yet. you know? #knocking things off the canon. and some of the texts i still have to read #im like 'i cant believe i havent yet' #my order has been pretty arbitrary #i cant believe i havent read TITUS ANDRONICUS yet ive been wanting to read that since i first got the riverside. #that play has always interested in me especially with its bad reputation #there are just other plays i *did* read first. #i dont know which one ill read next. i think ill finish david copperfield first #ill probably still read other plays in between the rest of what i have of david copperfield (less than 300 pages) #but not shakespeare. i need to detox. #you hear that william? youre toxic #im slippin under the taste of your poison paradise #ill probably read mary queen of scots got her head chopped off by liz lochhead. its been in my bed #since it came in the mail. lol #thank you thriftbooks free book reward~

[jamesmaddisons]

trying to organise anything with my mates is so hard because they all have more of a life than me and its getting a bit embarrassing always being the only one like ‘i am free all the time’ when then they’re telling me all these amazing plans they’ve got that are getting in the way of us doing anything lmao

#also like im the only one left at home really #out the girls 1 is in plymouth one in bristol #then the others that were still here 2 of them are in london now #and the last one is pretty much always in stevenage with her bf #so im starting to feel really lonely here lmao #and theres only one boy left here who just never replies to anything lmao #like london obviously isnt far and one of them is in hackney with is easy to get to but she's never around #its not the same as when we used to just pop in to town for a meal after work in the week #i try to organise going to see my mate in Bristol so many times because she's my best best mate and shes just never free #and i always say im done with my uni mates but one of them actually bothered to wish me happy birthday this year #so i started trying to organise meeting up with her because she's in london #and she was like 'im busy until Christmas but im gonna have a belated birthday party' #then she ignored my happy birthday message to her #and has also read and ignored when i asked about said birthday party #like my next plans for seeing anyone that isnt my parents is the milan match with eleanor and alex 💀 ITS IN MARCH #like. what do i do lmao #stacey speaks

[the-kipsabian]

im gonna complain sorry i need to get this out of my brain since ive been thinking about it recently. leaving it in the tags so you can ignore it or whatever

#i just. feel like im missing out on everything recently #everyone else is having fun with each other and their friends and im just. here for no reason #timezones fuck me over so intensely on like a daily basis and its so fucking sad like #the society is demanding me to be a responsible human being which means sleeping - and while i do that everyone else has fun #yall get to watch things together. yall get to chat about things together. yall get to do shit in real time #like im not blaming anyone for having fun good for you im glad youre enjoying yourselves and everything!! #but also i just. feel left out. and its very stupid but im stupid and so is having to sleep and i never get to do anything fun cause of it #i never get to watch stuff live. i never get to participate in anything. and when i maybe do its an anxiety situation so i have to pass #i think thats why wrestling is rn a very sore spot for me. i havent really watched anything in a while cause i feel so left out #like im always behind. and i know it shouldnt matter but when i see everyone interacting with live blogs and such and i know i cant do that #and theres no point doing that afterwards #and the only things i can reasonably live blog are things that nobody else watches or cares about and im just #mostly anyways i only put my time and effort into something that only i care about #and im not gonna lie it kinda hurts. like ofc i cant ask anyone else to care but i just feel so fucking lonely sometimes #sorry im just. not in a good spot. honestly i probably never will be cause none of this is going to change cause i cant change it #and i cant and wont ask anyone to change it cause thats not good or fair or anything to anyone #i shouldnt even post this this is so stupid and im such a stupid little baby but im just... #im so fucking lonely sometimes and i see everyone else being able to do things and have fun and enjoy themselves. without me #im so lonely and im so jealous and it just fucking sucks okay #im gonna go now. im sorry #night is an absolute mess on main

[milf-harrington]

absently kicking my legs staring at the ceiling wondering what it is about me that always has me missing out on things

#idk im just like. lonely all the time #and ive given up a lot of stuff the past 2 years and idk #its that funny feeling i get when i see my only friends hanging out w/o me even though its not in a mean way #but ive like. always been the one left out #idk #captain speaks

[gaystardykeco]

not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again

#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets #the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever #i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone #and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all #i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option #idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow #job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc #i just feel like ive hit a dead end #like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis #bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore #idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty #sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad #i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl #and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living #but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved #and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable #ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that #and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore #but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much #anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise

[pepprs]

i don’t know what the fuck is going on or why its happening to me but every SINGLE day since saturday something has come up related to [data expunged]. and it is genuinely making me crazy. idk if the universe is trying to show me a sign or plunge me into misery but i would like everyone and everything everywhere to shut up about [data expunged] effective immediately because it has made things very uncomfortable very fast and i am NOT having a good time

#i made a mistake of writing about it too and now everything is weird because of it. i just want to bury my head under a pillow and let 3 #weeks go by and hopefully it’ll have been long enough for the coincidences to stop and to be forgotten. but like omggggg why was the one #ig video that got recommended to me about this specific topic in the specific way that upsets me and makes me feel like a burden for things #i can’t control AND makes me feel primal anxiety / rage at being left out (🥴) AND makes me feel defective because ive redacted redacted r #redacted. lollll. and the thing is even if im not aware of it it’s never gonna go away and i have t actually act on it to make it better and #to feel less lonely / defective / left out / whatever. but how do i even do that. i live in a pit of quicksand and would never redacted on p #principle. so im doomed to be like this my whole life i guess bc clearly im never moving out of here and will always be across the hall from #redacted and around people who will always be smarter and more experienced and whatever than me. ughhjhjhhhhghrghhhhhhb mental illnessssss 😍 #delete later #purrs #like i don’t understand how some social things come so easily to people. i am apparently pretty good at faking understanding bc ive gotten #by ok enough but i just don’t understand and everyone else seems to but me. and i was thinking abt this last night as i was faling asleepnwn #and i was too tired to write it down so im doing it now / here i guess: i just KNOW i will be too skittish to redacted. still. at 23. if #something comes my way or if it’s like any of the other ones i will be too skittish and i will shake it off again and i don’t know why. i #ruin friendships when i do that. i need to stop. but i can feel my skittishness when i think about it and i hate that #also for the record this is not abt anyone on here or about anything anyone on here can fix / is directly involved w. sorry

[kkyaka]

Tips on how to keep friends please

#rant coming #all the friends i hung out with in high school i dont really talk to anymore #i ALWAYS reach out to them #but they NEVER reach out to me #i honestly cant remember if theyve ever reached out to me #and i always make friends with people that already have friends #like theyre already a part of a friend grouo #*group #so im left out again #i just wanna have like two friends that i can talk to and hang out with #i dont even want a lot of friends #and ive never had a best friend #i just want a best friend and or best friends #im lonely in multiple ways #no friends #no boyfriend #🥝.rambles

[gnawd]

i think about everything ends being a comfort to jules before they turned but how it's now their fear <33

#everything ends .. except for them #terrifying . exhausting . lonely . #you know it will end and you will be left behind #thank u. finally writing out their info #it wont be done by tonight im tired but its in progress.. #i think its kinda interesting to write out bc a lot of their like ' later arcs ' #or what would be them . are very minimally fleshed out #just because of how much ahead everything Could go but they have no direction #and jules in their primary moment is absolutely .. lost on what to do #with the rest of eternity #so they have no idea. so they're mainly just .. in a very long avoidant / distracting phase without outside influence y'know #does that make sense / #they hate to stay stagnant though so they're always doing something because if they stop. there's too much to think about #but all of their original like .. goals / thoughts for the future are really not attainable anymore following their death + turning #it really flips their world and leaves him very like.. scrambling. struggling to figure out that + their new self without any guidance #the future is impossible to think about when you can barely process your present

[liesyousoldme]

.

#i’m so. i don’t know. i keep opening tumblr and scrolling my dash and i KNOW it’s a literal symptom of my ocd #and that i should use my coping mechanisms to stop bc i’m too invested #but also my body is fucking me all the way up right now. #chemo puts me into menopause and when i get off my body restarts my period #and the hormones make me fucking insane and that’s where so much of the depression is coming from rn #but i can’t tell if it’s JUST that or if my feelings about this fandom are valid and i need to step away #essentially i feel ignored and invisible and like. honestly i feel like i don’t belong here #and yes that has to do with a certain group of bloggers in this fandom that are exclusionary toward everyone outside their circle but also #i have that stupid lonely high school feeling in this fandom like my friends are really just acquaintances and i’m always just to the left #and that feeling has always existed for me here but it’s so much worse right now which is why i think oh it’s hormones. i just need #to step back until i’m feeling better. but then i can’t stop fucking scrolling and checking my empty notifications #anyway i don’t even know why im saying any of this. i can’t exactly talk about it in real life so #i needed it off my chest i guess. #cancer post #maybe i just need to delete the fucking app altogether

[weenhands]

"if i make it to your university we'd be able to read in the library together^___^" No

#three years with one left to go i literally had absolutely no one to bond with or talk too. literally no one #and youre joining me during my last year lol i sound like a dick because i Am being one because im being bitter #over the fact that i had absolutely no one in college #always seeing people talk to eachother and wondering why its ten times harder for me #an idiot mentally social reject person to make friends #like its so passive now that i just. see people hang out and giggle and talk and make the loudest room in the library The loudest room #i had fucking nobody here i was so lonely with just me and my rumination #i dont care if we see eachother for my very last year why cant you see that im just somehow destined to be alone Always #i dont. fucking care #i have a headache and its morning sorry im gonna. Calm #vent #why would that even matter lol im gonna be wrapping it up knowing i wasted my years here due to depression #knowing i had. No one. #i didnt even have you. why should that matter to you.

[mistninja]

Being and immigrant really fucked up my social skills. That and the pandemic have really affected my ability to make friends, i feel like i havent been able to connect deeply with anyone in 5 years

#personal #all my friends are somewhere else #my venezuelan friends arent even in venezuela anymore most of them also left the country and its like #i have no home to go back to where my friends are #then i moved cities so now my friends in manaus are also away #i cant hang out with my two best friends one is in costa rica the other is 6h away #and my uni friends are nice but i cant seem to get close to them #i used to always naturally been part of a group i never had to like. earn a place inside the circle #but now is like im on the margins of every group of friends #ugh #also the language barrier is still a thing like 5 years here and i still stumble and its so embarrasing #insert the modern family woman saying 'you guys dont know how smart im in spanish' #like i know i sound dumb. #my tongue still isnt used to some portuguese sounds and i have a thick accent and everyone always mentions it #and i have to repeat myself or take time to find the words #its hard getting close to people when half the time you cant even express yourself and sometimes i just dont get what they mean #sorry. i needed to vent #im feeling a bit lonely

[robotpussy]

idk why but I'm so sad today 😭

#i think its because this is my last week of freedom and i have a big web dev assignment due on Tuesday #and i agreed to pitch for a film and now idk if i can work on my costume or make the PowerPoint #and also i miss my sister like when she left i felt rlly lonely but i always feel like that when my siblings come over #and i watched clips from the crow last night cause i was compiling stuff for a video i want to make and im just sad 👎 #and anxious like oh mannnn

[twoheadedfawnn]

peach is down i hve nowhere else to vent 😭

#i cant sleep im so worried ab my sister #i wish my mom didn’t tell me all of this stuff like what am i supposed to do with it #she just got a blood test back where one thing was slightly abnormal and my mom and I are both up worrying sick abt it #the way she passed that trait down to me makes me so sad sometimes like I don’t want it #whenever anything happens we both think over every possible outcome and fixate on the worst ones #i wish my little sister still lived at home with us it makes me so sad everytbing got worse when she left #ugh i cant help but cry I just miss being a kid and not having to think ab these things #i miss when all my siblings were here and I always had someone to talk to #now my childhood home is empty it’s just me and I’m so lonely here #it hurts #my mom thinks I’m the strongest and I can handle these things but no one understands how well I can hide my feelings #my family thinks I’m impenetrable but I cry about these things so much it rips me up inside