#but ive been writing since like...june....maybe

[june-again]

now when do i want to do this

#i ain't doin this today #also WHY does it say 3 hours and then have a 2 hours time limit #i hate it here #essays are fun #i don't fuckign know why you would put multiple choice questions on a fucking english exam but okay #i think ill do it next saturday #give myself a week #maybe i sHOULD do it today #nah i'm tired of writing i can't do two fuckin essays after ''all the work i did today'' which took about two hours lmao im #im pretty lazy for a straight A student let's be honest here #work smarter not harder #anyways yes this is the same class ive been posting about since LITERALLY LAST JULY #gonna go read old posts about it like the champ i am #june shines #june enlightenment

[mins-fins]

june 20th.

&&. on june 20th, the world ended. the sky turned orange and the ground beneath your feet cracked.

pairing: lee donghyuck x m!reader

genre: fluff?? angst??

warnings: mentions of death

word count: 1k

notes: this is one of the strangest things i think ive written in a long time 😭 i have no idea how this idea came to be in the first place i kinda just wrote out what came to my mind?? i also spent so long trying to figure out which nct member to write this for and i literally just picked hc because he's my sisters favorite member (#THANKSTI) so yeah idk why this exists but it does 🤷‍♂️

on june 20th, your alarm rang two minutes early.

on june 20th, you gave your mother a kiss on the cheek before leaving for school.

on june 20th, you missed the bus and were forced to walk the whole way to school.

on june 20th, you had walked into class late for the first time since september.

on june 20th, the sky was full of dark clouds, you assumed it was going to rain later that day.

on june 20th, you skipped one of your classes for the first time ever, biology, one you always hated.

on june 20th, you noticed seven different cracks in the sidewalk.

on june 20th, the air seemed different..

on june 20th, all that you could think about was your upcoming birthday, excitement surging through your veins.

you did what you always did. kicked small rocks, hopped over fences, hummed the lyrics to your favorite song, danced to the lyrics of your favorite song in public with no shame, skipped over the cracks on the sidewalk, did cartwheels, you were having fun.

for some reason, the day of june 20th made you feel free.

nobody could stop you, not your friends, not asshole teachers, not screaming neighbors, nobody could stop you.

well, maybe the world ending could stop you.

with a smile on your face and an energetic pep in your step, you make your way through the now noisy neighborhood.

people are screaming, the sky is an unnatural color, the air feels as if it's slowly poisoning your lungs, the cracks beneath your feet have now doubled in number.

but for some reason, you feel easy?

the prospect of the world ending is a funny one, one you never thought you'd be living ever. in movies, it's branded as such a horrible thing, but you don't think you've ever felt happier.

the music blaring through your headphones distracts you, the people panicking around you seem more like blurs then actual people. they all have lives, some of them have children, some of them have grandchildren, some of them have family out of the country, some of them are going to be celebrating their last birthdays today, who knows what was going on in their lives earlier today that will now mean nothing in a good two hours.

your complex emotions surprise you, but the smile on your face doesn't falter, and you like that it doesn't.

because if you could spend the last moments of your life being happy, why would you be mad about that?

"everything alright? your not hurt are you?" you wrap your arms around your mother, resting your head on hers.

"i'm alright" you whisper, arms clinging around her.

your hair is disheveled, probably due to the absolute maddening things you'd been doing on the sidewalk.

"oh honey! donghyuck called, he was asking for you".

the name gets an eyebrow raise out of you.

donghyuck?

donghyuck as in lee donghyuck? he called? why would he call? why would he be asking for you? why would he—

oh, oh my goodness.

"what did he ask for?" you immediately separate from the hug, and your mother gives you a puzzled look. "did he ask for something from me specifically?"

"he just asked for you because he said he wanted to tell you something but you weren't here—"

holy shit.

"oh i have to go.."

your mother blinks once again, but then she realizes what your talking about, and she sighs. "honey, you still haven't told him?"

you don't even try to battle the allegations, just press a kiss to her cheek and make your way towards the door. "today's the day mom! the world is ending!"

your optimism shocks you, and you race out of the door, nothing else on your mind but him.

on june 20th, your life seemed to take a strange turn.

on june 20th, your mundane routine suddenly became extraordinary.

on june 20th, you realized it was your last chance to tell donghyuck how you feel.

the world is ending, the sky has turned orange, the sidewalk has began cracking beneath your feet, people are screaming, crying, clutching onto their family members, it's your last day, it's everyones last day, tomorrow, you'll all be nothing but empty corpses.

all of you have dreams, all of you had desires, things you'll never be able to pursue now because your demise is coming much sooner than you expected.

there's only one thing at your mind at the moment, and that's the most annoying person ever.

today is a day like no other, a day which will all be in memory by the time the week passes, your feet push you through the pain you feel, because you've never been able to get such words out.

where is he.. where is he.. where is he..

when you spot lee donghyuck, you shout, and he doesn't even have to look at you to know what it is.

you tackle him to ground, his back colliding with the soft grass in his front yard as you fall right on top of him. a smile comes to your face as you look down at him, with his pretty eyes and pretty smile.

"you're so stupid!" you yell, he just chuckles, letting you remain on top of him, because the world is ending, and this is it. "you called!?"

"you're literally stupider!" he rebuts. "you came!"

you scoff, oh this could've all been yours before if you weren't such a coward, but there is always a time for everything, even if this is the last time.

"i am so in love with you" you whisper, leaning down to press a kiss onto his lips. "you're such an idiot, a pretty idiot".

donghyuck just smiles, wrapping his arms around your neck. "you love me".

"of course i do".

"the world is ending, baby".

but for some reason you aren't crying.

you aren't sad, you aren't crying or anything, you're just living in the moment.

"i know, but i love you".

on june 20th, the world ended.

on june 20th, the sky turned orange and the ground beneath your feet cracked.

on june 20th, you told lee donghyuck you loved him.

on june 20th, you spent your final moments with the boy you loved the most.

#lee donghyuck #haechan #nct #nct 127 #nct dream #nct imagines #nct drabbles #nct scenarios #haechan imagines #haechan drabbles #haechan scenarios #lee donghyuck x reader #lee donghyuck x male reader #haechan x reader #haechan x male reader #𑁍 ࣪˖ 𓂃 isa's works!

[avatar-anna]

The Professor

summary: you and harry are perfect strangers

words: 3.5k

tw: none

PART III, PART V, PART IV, PART II, PART I Series Masterlist

June 2021

This summer, were trying something new.

Since school was out, you decided you needed to get out more. You’d seen less of Edward because he was getting busier and busier with his super secret project. He still texted and called, and since you were busy with school, helping the police department from time to time, filming your educational videos, and writing papers along with grading them, you didn’t mind not seeing him as much. You liked that you could go a few weeks without seeing each other and still remain close friends…or whatever you were. That was something both of you were okay with not discussing for the time being. 

In the past, you spent a lot of your summers indoors or around Cambridge, but this summer, you decided to branch out and explore. You read books and case files in cafes, you biked around town more, you even wanted to plan a road trip with Edward. Before, your summers, while enjoyable, were pretty monotonous. Maybe it was because the world was finally opening back up again, but you just had this itch to get out of your townhouse more. And take the Emperor with you, of course. 

It was a sunny afternoon in Cambridge, and you were sitting on a patio table of a cafe you started frequenting. They had all sorts of tea flavors and fun summery drinks you wanted to try. Something in you was pushing you to try new things, and instead of shying away from it, you embraced it. The sun was shining brightly, your paper was coming along splendidly, and the Emperor was basking in the sunlight inside the pram you bought for him. This summer was off to a beautiful start.

“Do my eyes deceive me, or is Dr. Y/l/n outside and actually enjoying the sun?”

You immediately perked up at the sound of Edward’s voice, your lips curving up into a smile involuntarily. “What are you doing here?”

“To see you, of course,” he said from behind his mask. 

Edward was still standing, so you could see all of him. He, like you, was dressed for summer in corduroy shorts and an opened, button-down shirt made of a colorful patchwork of different fabrics. 

“Sit down!” you said, gesturing for the open seat across from you beside the Emperor. 

He did, petting your cat as he did so, who leaned into Edward’s touch. Seems you weren’t the only one who missed your friend.

“You’re in a particularly sunny mood today,” he said.

“I’m embracing life, Edward,” you said, slipping your straw beneath your face mask to take a sip of your coffee—some kind of rose latte that you didn’t love but felt like you needed to finish to be polite. “And I consulted on a case in New York, which was very fun. Well, not fun. Satisfying. You know, because I got to be a part of saving a life and stop someone from doing horrible things.”

Smiling, he said, “That’s great, Y/n. I’m really happy for you.”

He said it, but he didn’t sound happy. Admittedly, it was somber stuff, but you hadn’t gone into the explicit details, ones that you would never forget, you literally weren’t able to.

“Are you okay? You seem a little off.”

“Me? Yeah, I’m fine,” he said, but again, he wasn’t very convincing. “Listen, there’s something I wanted to—”

“So, I had this idea, but I wanted to run it by—Oh, sorry. Go ahead.”

“No, no. You first.”

Now that his eyes were on you, even if they were covered by dark sunglasses, you flushed with nerves. You’d never done something like this, and you thought you had more time to prepare and find the right words, but this summer was all about taking chances for you, so you swallowed your fear and just blurted it out.

“I think we should go on a date.”

Edward’s eyebrows rose, but you couldn’t tell what it meant. “A date?”

“Yeah, you know, since things have been opening up more, and we’ve never actually seen the bottom of each other’s faces, I just thought now would be as good a time as any, right?”

When he didn’t answer right away, you started to panic. Did you read the last three months wrong? Edward told you he liked you, you held hands when you sat and talked in your townhouse, he was showing interest, right? You couldn’t be that oblivious, and you didn’t think you read the signs wrong. You checked. Your evidence backed up your inferences. This should’ve been seamless.

You were almost never wrong, but now you were worried you got everything completely wrong. “Unless…you don’t want to?”

Edward was quick to reassure you. “I do, you have no idea how much I do. I’m just…shocked by how forward you’re being.”

Leaning forward, you stage whispered, “It’s not too much, is it?”

Edward leaned forward too, and this time you could tell he was grinning. “No, not at all. I think it suits you.”

He couldn’t see it, but you were smiling beneath your mask. “Great. So? What do you say?”

You’d never been this forward before, but Edward made you feel confident. In your mind, you had nothing to lose.

“I’d love to,” he said, holding your hand across the table. “Now, what do you say to heading back to your place? I missed looking at constellations with you.”

Butterflies Edward had called them. They were going crazy in your stomach, but they didn’t freak you out. They just made you excited. You thought this new you suited you too.

----------------------------------------------------------

It was late, way past midnight, and he was still in your house. You weren’t quite sure where the time went, or how you managed to talk for that long, but there both of you were, sitting on your couch, neither of you making any kinds of moves to leave.

“If you weren’t a professor, what would you be doing?”

It took you a moment to think about that, to give him an answer that wouldn’t end in Edward lecturing you about taking care of yourself and putting yourself first.

“I don’t know, I think I was made for teaching and helping people. It’s what I’m good at.”

“But do you teach because you love it or because you’re good at it. The two aren’t mutually exclusive, Y/n.”

Edward worried about you a lot. Something you thought you would find irritating, but actually found endearing.

“I know, but for me it is,” you said, squeezing the hand that was holding yours. You realized he liked that. Small affectionate touches. You weren’t the affectionate type but you liked being that way for him. “I love helping people. For the first half of my life, I was stuck doing things for other people, and I hated it. I was good at math, I am good at math, but being forced to do it all day made me never want to look at or solve complicated theories ever again.

“This is the life I chose for myself. Sometimes I think that with this…gift, asset, whatever you want to call it, that I should be doing more, so I help the police department and I share my knowledge with others and hope that’s enough.”

You let out a breath, surprised you said so much. You knew it wasn’t physically possible, but you felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders, like in that moment, you weren’t just talking to Edward, but to everyone who ever criticized your decision to leave solving unsolvable math and science problems behind to take up teaching.

“That felt good, didn’t it?” Edward said, like your answer was exactly what he wanted you to say.

You narrowed your eyes at him. “You’re very smart, Edward. Not as smart as me of course, but—”

“But who is?” he finished for you.

You sat with him in comfortable silence, neither of you knowing what to say next, but not ready to say goodbye, either. This was the latest Edward had ever stayed over, and that fluttering was stirring in you. You’d never had anyone spend the night before, but you thought he would make a good first.

“I should probably go,” he said suddenly, as if he just realized it was nearing three in the morning.

Reminding yourself that this was the summer of embracing change and trying new things, you took a deep breath and said, “You don’t have to.”

“No?” 

“It’s late, and you must be tired. You can stay. If—If you want to, that is.”

You wondered if his heart was beating as fast as yours, or if his palms were starting to sweat. Maybe you’d read these last three months entirely wrong, maybe asking him to stay was a terrible idea, one you clearly didn’t think through. Your invitation for him to stay the night was exactly that: a place for him to sleep. But did Edward know that? What if he took your invitation as more? And neither of you obviously slept with a face covering, there was a chance you would see his face tonight.

You’d insisted on the face masks because you didn’t want to get yourself or Edward sick, but part of you also liked that you had to wear them. It was social distance as well as emotional distance, like keeping what you completely looked like a secret was the one thing that prevented you from fully opening up to him. Were you really ready for that?

“Y/n?”

So in your thoughts about Edward possibly staying the night, you forgot he hadn’t said yes or no yet. Blushing, you looked back over to him. “Yes?”

“I can see the gears turning in that beautiful brain of yours. You don’t have to be so stressed. If you don’t want me to stay, I won’t. It’s not a big deal.”

“I do!” you blurted, your face turning red at how quickly you corrected him. “I, um, I think it will be fun. But…I just don’t want you to think that it means that we’re having sex.”

The blunt delivery of your statement had him laughing, so much so that it calmed your nerves a bit. “I didn’t think that at all,” he said. Inching closer to you, he reached for your hand again, rubbing his thumb across the back. “So, got an extra toothbrush?”

----------------------------------------------------------

You were at home, laying on your floor and watching constellations, only it wasn’t with Edward. Your phone was clutched in your hands, your leg crossed over the other revealing colorful patterned socks peeking out beneath your ankle-length jeans. You needed to make a phone call, but you didn’t know what you were going to say. 

How were you going to tell him?

Thankfully, you got a phone call before you had to make that decision. It was the former student you employed to help edit your videos. “Hello?”

“When were you going to tell me you knew Harry Styles?”

The name sounded familiar, and you recalled one of your students mentioning it in one of their questions at the end of class once, but you didn’t know him. “I…I don’t?”

“Y/n, are you pulling my leg right now? It’s all over the Internet,” they said.

“What is?” you asked, more confused than ever.

“The pictures! You’re at a cafe and casually sitting with one of the most popular men in music. How the hell did you not know?”

Your mind was going into overdrive with all the new information you’d just received. “I—I need to—to go,” you said, hanging up without another word. 

The only time you really used the Internet was to look up scholarly journals or to search for a new recipe, but now you typed in the words, “Harry Styles,” when the search finished loading, your eyes widened. “Holy shit.”

You rarely cursed, but this instance was worthy of using expletives. Edward…Harry…whoever he said he was…was not who he claimed to be. He was famous, like really, really famous. He’d just won a Grammy, he had two albums, he was on the cover of Vogue, and he had a larger than life following. The man online was not the man you knew in person. He was charismatic and outgoing, he sang songs about sex, he was a more vibrant version of the person you’d come to know. Edward was soft spoken, but Harry was…some kind of rockstar.

You consumed everything you possibly could, your eyes scanning his Wikipedia page—he had a Wikipedia page!—in a minute. Singing contest shows, albums, awards, band breakups, world tours, you read everything. You knew more about him than you wanted to know. 

And you were there too. In a recent article by some tacky looking publication with obnoxious colors and loud titles that made your head hurt, there was a picture of you and Edward—Harry—sitting at the cafe last week. The pictures looked innocent enough, but the headlines claimed you were a secret lover, a possible affair.

An affair? You clicked on one of the linked articles on the website, hating yourself for reading something like this. Another picture popped up. He looked like he was at some wedding, holding hands with another woman.

You turned your phone off after that, not wanting anymore pictures or words forever ingrained in your mind. He was seeing someone. He had a…a person. Someone that meant something to him. Someone that wasn’t you.

It hurt, especially because you really thought he’d shown interest the last few months, but that was probably a lie too. He spent the night just last week! Sure, you didn’t do anything but sleep, but that was a big step. Apparently not. Just before you clicked out of the website, you saw that she was a director. Maybe he was only interested in people who led similar lives, and you certainly did not.

You felt silly all of a sudden. You tricked yourself into believing that someone actually cared for you. No one had ever shown interest in you outside of the knowledge you held, all the remarkable things you could remember. When you visited her for Spring Break, your mom went around telling people you were a human computer, getting people to ask you questions and see how quick you could respond. Like your students in class but not at all the same. You weren’t a person to be valued or cherished, you were an object of fascination. A circus freak that could do tricks on command.

You laid on the floor with your head pressed against the wood panels, heart pounding and mind spinning. Words flew around so fast they were unintelligible. Nothing made sense, and as someone who could make sense of everything, it was frustrating you. A headache quickly developed into a migraine, and you didn’t know what to do. Shutting your eyes wouldn’t change anything, would probably only make things worse. You read too much too fast, and now it was overwhelming you.

A knock on your front door temporarily distracted you. You stood up from your position on the ground, but every step towards your door was a painful one. Peeking through your peephole, your heart clenched, your stomach filled with dread. It was him.

You were in no way ready to face him, so you didn’t. “I—I’m not feeling well.”

“Aw, really?” he asked, sounding disappointed. “Well, let me in and I’ll take care of you.”

He sounded so sweet and so sincere that you almost let him in, but you stopped yourself. “I haven’t gotten tested yet. I’ll—I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? Let me in, Y/n. If you’re not feeling well, I want to help.”

His kindness made you angry all of a sudden. With everything swirling around and your migraine, you blurted, “I don’t want to see you right now, Harry.”

It was his name, but it didn’t sound right on your tongue. He seemed to recognize it, though. With both of you so close to the door, you heard the soft thud of his forehead leaning against it as he quietly muttered, “Fuck.”

“You lied to me,” you said, trying to hide the quiver in your voice. “Why would you lie to me?”

“I—I didn’t lie, I—”

“Don’t give me that omission bullshit! You didn’t even tell me your real name!”

You remembered the first time he’d come over to your house. The two of you were so engrossed in your conversation that you didn’t even realize you hadn’t shared each other’s names until he was about to leave. He told you his name was Edward, and you didn’t question it. Why would you?

“I can’t believe this,” you said. “I—We talked about you being a murderer, and I laughed it off when you could’ve actually been one. I’m such an idiot! I actually—I actually trusted you!”

“You can trust me. Please just—Please let me in, and I can explain everything. Just please let me in.”

He sounded desperate, but he wasn’t getting it. You did let him in. He knew you more than any other person you knew, but you clearly didn’t know him. You had a hard time trusting people, it was why you didn’t have many friends or colleagues or a long romantic history. Trust was something you had a hard time handing to people, but somehow he managed it, and he took it and stomped on it, crushed it in his hands like a piece of paper. You couldn’t trust him. He lied to you about who he was for months and didn’t try to tell you the truth. Not once.

“I know about the woman you’re seeing. The director,” you said suddenly You had never spoken so venomously before, and you hated it. You hated how all of this was making you feel. “I asked you out because I liked you and you managed to convince me that you liked me too, but—but you ruined it. I learned so much about you in minutes, and I can’t forget it. I wish I could forget meeting you, but I will never be able to.

“I can win a chess game in two moves, I could solve some of the most complex physics equations before you probably even knew what algebra was, I know four current languages and two dead languages, I’ve read the Bible cover to cover multiple times, I came close to solving the three body problem. I bet you don’t even know what that is!

“I’m an expert in multiple fields of psychology, so imagine my surprise when I found out you weren’t who you said you were. Not once did I suspect anything,” you said, surprised that all of that came bursting out of you.

“I am. Y/n, please open the door,” he pleaded. He sounded like he was crying, which made a couple tears slip down your cheeks. 

You steeled your nerves, feeling like each one of those butterflies he made you feel died and floated to the bottom of your stomach. “I’m glad I found out now and not while I was still teaching, I can’t imagine how badly my students would make fun of me for being so clueless.”

Hearing the calmness in your voice, you heard him grow frantic on the other side of the door. “It’s not your fault, Y/n, I was just trying to—”

“You’re right. It’s not my fault,” you said. “I don’t like to believe in coincidences or chance, but maybe there’s a hint of it here.” You paused, finding the strength to get the words out. You hadn’t thought it through, and perhaps you were being too rash or emotional, but you said it anyway. “I was offered a job today. In New York. I was going to call you and tell you about it, maybe celebrate even if I was planning on turning it down, but then I got a different phone call first, and I found out about you, and…

“I’m going to take the job, and I—I don’t want to see you before I leave.”

“Okay, I know you’re mad, and you have every right to be, but I am begging you not to go anywhere before I can explain. There’s so much that I want—that I need to say. Y/n please.”

You were done fighting. Mostly because your migraine was becoming too much and you were still processing the overload of information, but also because you couldn’t handle talking to the person on the other side of your door anymore. 

“Just go,” you said, more tired than you’d ever felt before. “I can’t—I can’t let you do this to me.”

Your mind, which was normally sharp and organized, was currently in shambles. You'd never felt this lost before. You could always rely on your instinct and your knowledge, but it was failing you, and that was something you couldn't handle.

“Please. Please. Open the door, Y/n. Please let me in. Please, I’ll explain everything. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry—”

Taking your cat, you left him at the front door, still knocking and begging you to let him explain, but you didn’t want an explanation. None of it would change the fact that he lied for months, with no plans to stop.

You don’t know when he left, or how long he knocked on the door. If he left of his own volition or if your neighbors grew tired of the noise. You just didn’t care to know. As you rested on your bed and hid from everything you learned the best you could, you just…didn’t care anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tags: @remuslupinwifee @majasophieanna @michellekstyles @wolwolsighs @harrystylesrecs @cwiphswmwasohmm @his-only-angel-1989

#harry styles #harry styles x professor yn #harry styles imagine #harry styles x reader #harry styles oneshot #harry styles fanfic #harry styles blurb #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fluff #harry styles x you #harry styles writing #harry styles one shot

[thecynthh]

———INTRO POST———

thecynthh 12/12/23

call me syn or cynthia

13

she/her

filipino

matt enthusiast

⭒˚｡⋆⋆⭒˚｡⋆⋆⭒˚｡⋆⋆⭒˚｡⋆⋆⭒˚｡⋆⋆⭒˚｡⋆⋆⭒˚｡⋆⋆⭒˚｡⋆⋆⭒˚｡⋆⋆⭒˚｡⋆

dos and not dos in writing !

will do - smut, fluff, angst, requests, kinks (only if requested), anything thats not that weird

will not do - piss/shit kinks, incest, rape/no consent, other weird shit thats either aggressive or just weird in gen,

notes - i will only write for nick with a platonic fem!reader or like best friends typa setting ! and maybe i'll dabble in writing for a masc!reader

i take requests ! please don't be shy to share any ideas you have for me to write cus it'll be good practice for me.

────────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────────

additional info

i've been writing for quite some time now but ive never really shared it with anyone so any sort of feedback im very open too.

i am a matt girl although i am open to writing for chris and nick to an extent. ive been watching the sturniolos seriously since june but before then i watched them on and off never really following them until now.

im open to being mutuals with anyone who wants to be friends! most of the time you'll probably see me lurking or commenting on a couple fo my fav writers stories so just ignore me if i say smth weird ;-;

-----------------------✧ ⋆ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ⋆ ✧ ----------------------

masterlist

fluff - ♡

angst - ✩

smut/suggestive - ☾

sfw - ❀

my favs - ♛

MATTHEW STURNIOLO

one shots

gift ♡ ♛

how about we try that one more time? ☾

confide ♡

STURNSTAR ☾ ♛ (potential series)

end game ☾ ✩

series

smart ass pt1 ❀

pt2 ❀

pt3 ☾

pt4 ♡

pt5 ☾

pt6 ✩

(DISCONTINUING SMART ASS)

CHRISTOPHER STURNIOLO

one shots

whipped cream ☾

a little ink ♡

sleepy habits♡

taglist - open

#sturniolo triplets #matt sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #nick sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo smut #sturniolo x reader #syn speaks #matthew bernard sturniolo #sturniolo #christopher owen sturniolo #nicolas antonio sturniolo

[naumin]

2022 in review

in an effort to blog about art on my art blog more i will be writing a post covering my work in 2022 and maybe some aspirations going forward into 2023

2022 was the year of learning to paint! at the beginning i was really frustrated, a lot of my pieces were very hit or miss and i couldnt tell why some sucked and some fuckd. i nibbled at some online courses for fundamentals, James Gurney’s Color & Light book and Marco Bucci’s painting videos, and was looking for a mentor at one point but i think i stopped cuz i broke my thumb briefly lol

a piece from december 2021 that is just a bit random and i think representative of my stabbing in the dark

studying...

in June i split a schoolism sub with emma and it was an amazing decision. i think if you have limited time to practice drawing or dont know where to go the best thing is to take a course, and ive taken cheap or free courses online but the tutors on schoolism are top of the industry and the quality of their teaching is stellar imo. literally felt my brain explode with knowledge they are the best of the best. i finished the painting workout course with wouter tulp and ive dipped in and out of numerous others since then. its cool bcus u can study at your own pace.

July was artfight, i did talk about it here so not gonna repeat myself heh

then i was really busy with my MA, its been so fun and so exhausting. a year is so short and i want to try all the printing techniques and ceramics and everything cry. but hey now i know indesign and can make my own zines and stuff which is amazing. i also tabled at my first market :) i did really like it and would love to do more, dont want to put pressure on myself to do that this year but at least wanna visit them and scope out the audiences and stuff.

school really is making me appreciate traditional art again, tbh it is nothing like digital. you just cant get that chaos or physical resistance from your materials in digital, everything is very deliberate and constructed and almost predictable. ive started to incorporate more traditional work into my pieces where i can, especially photobashing. i can use photos i offhandedly took years ago and it feels really nice to get to repurpose them.

a spread from my school project, a book about one of my passions (i chose the story of how i got into elden ring!!!) i made it from paper cutting, photobashing, and digital. (im going to sell pdf and physical copies in the new year)

so circling back to the start of the year, i think you can see marked progress in my illustrations that ive posted here. i think i learned a lot about techniques within a painting but i want to learn more about pictorial composition bcus my default tends to be 3:4, portrait, charas centre, and i want to break that habit and tell more effective stories :)

over the past 2 years ive been incorporating more realism into the characters i draw and trying to be really deliberate with what features, proportions etc they have.

a 2021 isa and a 2022 isa

i think i want to maintain this level of detail because its descriptive enough for my needs but i want to push it to be more dynamic and stylised. i really admire the way disney animators like jin kim do it. its because im not confident enough with structure and anatomy to really play with it.

on the other hand with life drawing i really want to do more realism and capture exactly whats in front of me because i think i rely on style as a crutch too much hahaha.

from december. proud of these!!!

thats whats on my mind really. again really dont want to put any undue pressure on myself and i am going to be really busy until october at least. i am seriously proud of my progress in 2022. and im really looking forward to playing bloodborne x

#diary

[gracehosborn]

So Let’s Talk About This Hamilton Series…

Many of you who have recently followed me (thank you, I greatly appreciate it and you’re all awesome!) might have noticed my mix of historical and writing reblogs, and might be wondering about what I’m even up to. So I thought I would go into more detail about my current WIP, The American Icarus. So… let’s go.

What Is TAI?

The short version is this simple pitch:

The American Icarus is a historical fiction series following the life of Alexander Hamilton—but told from his point of view, like a memoir or autobiography. Extremely ambitious? Oh yes. Maybe a little insane? That’s for you to judge.

The long version is well… long. Each book in the series (simply titled TAI: Volume I, II, III, and IV) takes you through part of Hamilton’s life, from his early teen years to his death—with a total span of about 35 and a half years. Volume I goes from February, 1768 to June of 1778, Volume II picks up in July, 1778, and stops in October, 1782; Volume III continues from there through the end of the New York Ratifying Convention (July, 1788), and Volume IV (and a possible Vol V) finish out the story to the end in July of 1804. Told from his point of view, Hamilton is both the protagonist and the narrator—this combination having previously been unseen amongst the many Hamilton-centric novels out there. Making this both a lot of fun—I get to explore new territory! But also stressful… I’m the first to explore this territory. I am currently drafting The American Icarus: Volume I (TAIVI), and am about one forth of the way to the end. As I get the opportunity to explore this new way of telling what’s now a pretty well-known story, I am focusing mostly on characters and fine details. TAIVI (and the whole series for that matter) is heavily based in the historical record—I’m reading period-accurate musket training manuals, slowly going through Hamilton’s mountain of papers, reading dozens of secondary sources with the latest scholarship I can get my hands on, and doing even more. The plot of each book is planned to be detailed yet rich—this is a story about a bunch of humans after all.

Why This Project?

This all started about three years ago when I was up late and should have been asleep. I was reading a biography on Hamilton (will not name for the following reasons) and got to a passage where the author was speculating what Hamilton might have been thinking in regards to the situation being discussed. As this was not the first time the author had done this in recent chapters, a small part of me got annoyed. My first thought was:

But what if I could be in his head?

Of course my immediate reaction to this was to scold myself. “No that’s stupid and insane what are you thinking?” Annnnd then I proceeded to store the thought away and not listen to myself. Come a few months later, I decide to pick up the idea after having been working on my young adult fantasy novel, Ink of Destruction (more on IOD in a later post!). Since then I’ve been slowly working on this story (with all my research to blame as to why it’s taking forever). I really feel like, despite the fact that this is super ambitious and “out there,” it’s a needed perspective. Further, I do believe that a good story is there within the piles of the historical record. I don’t need to take such large liberties with this to craft a good story (not saying doing such is bad—we are all allowed to create how we please and tell the stories we want to tell; dragging people for doing something different isn’t always right). But what I have found in my research varies from sweet to wild—let me tell you 😂

My plan here is to share the writing process for TAI and all the discoveries and such made along the way, alongside my other works-in-progress. I’d love to hear any questions or thoughts you might have (and I hope this was informative or enjoyable 😂)

#writing community #authors #amwriting #alexander hamilton #aaron burr #writeblr #historical research #american revolution #historical fiction #the American Icarus trilogy #project explainer #works in progress #writerslife

[raysletters]

get to know your fanfic writer!

i have to be honest, the lovelies @14carrotghoul and @suseagull04 tagged me for this like a week ago and i have incredibly bad memory, but here i am anyway (thanks for the tag and sorry for being late lol 💀)

when did you post your first ever fanfic?

oh my god,,,,,, i think it was 2015(??

first character(s) you wrote for:

before i say this, i need to explain i was a child with a very early access to internet. also, i am, as a great mind said once, a pathological people pleaser, and my sister was a directioner,,,,,,,,, so yes ofc i wrote a fanfic about harry styles for my sister, even though i never published it, and it was just a dumb y/n story,,,,,,,, (this was like 2012). though, since harry styles is a real person and not a character like my 9yo self thought, then i assume the next one would be,,,,, damon salvatore (it was posted on wattpad and absolutely horrible, i had an hyperfixation and created an oc and everything)

main character(s) you’re currently writing for:

alex claremont-díaz, henry fox-mountchristen-windsor, beatrice fox-mountchristen-windsor, june claremont-díaz, nora holleran, and percy "pez" okonjo have all had their points of view written or worked on at some point on my docs. between that and them seeing the light of day is another thing.

character(s) you haven’t written about before but plan on writing about soon:

i- i guess, since they haven't been posted yet, bea, nora and pez will get their time to shine (soon, hopefully) on my next fics. ive also been trying to write a bit of catherine for the diabetic!henry au,,,,, but its been really hard bc its all just too close to home.

fandom(s) you’re currently writing for:

red, white & royal blue

platonic pairing(s) you currently write for:

at this moment im obsessed with writing alex interacting with both bea and pez, bc we didnt get enough of that on the book and fics always show june being besties with henry and i kinda wanted to pull an uno reverse on that trope. also, im really interested in writing some henry and nora, bc they're besties on the book that gossip about drag race and stuff,,,,, but i want to maybe dive into it a bit deeper.

romantic pairing(s) you currently write for:

firstprince and junopez, and ive already have two wips where i give bea a girlfriend,,,,,, so theres that

your top 3 tags on AO3 (if you post your works on AO3):

i literally went to my dashboard to look it up, the first one is my different alterations of the tag "not beta read", but we're not going to count that one. next we have (surprisingly to no one) "angst", "mental health issues" 💀💀, and lastly "songfic" jskssjsksjsksjsksjskswjsksjsksjsks

your current platform where you post your works:

you can find me on ao3 as raysletters

snippet of the wip you’re currently working on:

i am working on SO many wips rn bc ive been sick and that has meant being in bed and not doing shit most of the day bc it hurts to breathe sjsksjsksjsksjskssjsksjkssjsksjsjsjajkssj

here, i give yall a snippet of the musician!alex au yall saw on the wip title game (that can be alternatively called "fulfilling most of smut saturday prompts in one single fic bc i wanted to try writing smut and it quickly got out of my hands")

so, idk if this would be nsfw bc it is not the smut itself, but more like smut-adjacent narration, but still putting the break so y'all can decide if you want to read it or not

This exact moment, though? It might not only embarrass him in a very public setting, but might also make him combust and collapse from sheer lust.

The entire place is crowded to the point of asphyxiation, the fans are spinning at their limit speed on the ceiling, and Henry feels like this is probably how hell feels.

That is, if hell ever had the pleasure of getting Alexander Claremont-Díaz on his knees, making the most obscene and erotic guitar solo known to mankind, thrusting his hips to the rhythm of She by Harry Styles on his guitar while the lights focus on him; his open white shirt shows the chain he now knows contains the key to his family's home at Texas, his glistening chest and the sweat that rolls over his collarbones, his pectorals, his abdomen and then disappear on his navel behind the guitar. It makes Henry reminisce of that first video he ever saw of Alex, and can’t help but compare the performance to seeing it live after more than a year, while knowing how excited he had been at the rehearsal, jumping and moving around while refusing to practice because of his own jitters.

Of course it paid off, Alex, the bloody show-off, has the entire place entranced under his spell, not even the clients sitting on the bar stools, who had shown little interest in the performance through the night, could take their eyes off of Alex.

Henry absolutely gets it, but can't help the feeling of jealousy that courses through him. He desperately wants to drop to his knees to show Alex how marvelous he is, hoping he thrusts in his mouth like he does on his guitar.

#ask game #writing #red white and royal blue #rwrb #rwrb fic #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #firstprince #ao3 #raysletters on ao3 #musician!alex au

[dontwritemeoff]

Soulmate AU with June; part 4

howdy everyone, it’s been a few days but that’s just due to my recovering from work and being essentially comatose except for pet dog and play mario kart (I am now not working from now until academia sucks me back in on Sept 1) it’s also my birthday on tomorrow (the 18th) so i’ve been hyped for that which has not made me want to write angst but ive found some sadness fuel in me and hence we’re here

run on sentence over, I hope you enjoy this part!!

TW: depression but it’s not labeled as such, some cursing, vexx is mean to you :(

After you pull yourself from you revelation about June and the soulmate status he had decidedly not told you about, your face twists into one of anger aimed directly at Vexx.

Vexx.

You had trusted him. And now your whole family was dead, you only making it out due to your naïve plans. 

“Where were you?” You ask with tears brimming in your eyes. It seemed like all of your expectations, the thoughts that had gotten you through the lonely nights at the palace, were wrong. Vexx didn’t care about you and seemingly neither did your soulmate.

“None of your fucking business,” he spits at you, “And if you know what’s good for you you’ll stay away from me and the crew of the Andromeda 6.”

He’d never talked to you that way before. Not once had he even risen his voice at you, and now he looked at you with no more mirth than one would spare a cockroach.

“What have they got to do with any of this? They saved me when you weren’t there,” You pause as your voice gets quieter, “He saved me.”

It seems like for a moment Vexx has guilt pass over his face, but just as quickly it twists into a sneer.

“How fucking beautiful. Now you can go play savior like you always wanted to, can’t you, your majesty?”

“I thought you wanted that too,” your voice is tight due to the tears you’re holding back, “We were supposed to find a way to go together. Help Nerissa. That’s what you said!”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t be so trusting, little prince(ess). I was just using you, the whole time. All of the most important information to bring back to Zovack.”

Your stomach drops and you didn’t know you had any surprise left in you, but this one really hurts. You had contributed, handily in fact, to your family’s death. The only people that might have cared about you, some who did and some who didn’t, it didn’t matter since they were all gone. 

“How could you do that to me, you fucking monster,” you want to yell out, but it’s nothing but a whisper. You notice only now that you’re on your knees, looking up at Vexx in fury and disbelief. How had you let yourself sink so low? Why were you the groveling, pitiful mess, the one who lived?

Calderon reaches you first, barking out your name in frustration and disappointment. 

“[Y/N], what are you doing out here? We said not to leave the bar!” 

“Looks like your new friends found us,” Vexx’s eyebrows dip in a way that you can’t determine what he’s feeling, “Let’s hope we don’t meet again.”

Before you can even call out or argue, Vexx is gone in the night, though the blur of the tears doesn’t help your ability to follow him in the dark.

“Stop,” Bash says, gently taking your arm and helping you up, “Can’t you see they’re upset?”

You don’t hear Calderon’s response but allow yourself to get led back to the ship, desperately trying to wrap your mind around any of what you’ve just discovered. You barely even register when the airlock to the ship opens and you walk into the blinding lights until June rushes over, worry etched deep into the lines on his face.

“[Y/N]! Are you okay? Are you hurt?” He doesn’t touch you, hands almost hovering over your shoulders as he scans you all over. 

You know now why he’s so perceptive of your feelings, and most likely he could feel every bit of your pain and frustration. And yet he remained waiting with the rest of the crew? Were you really that detestable of a soulmate that he didn’t even want to check himself if you were okay?

“I’m fine,” you choke out, “no need to care more for me than you need to.”

You know that the last part was uncalled for, petty really, but you can’t stop yourself from saying it. Apathy spurring you on. What did it matter? everyone who had cared about you and vice versa was gone, either through death or betrayal. In your eyes, there was nobody that you could or wanted to rely on, so hurting other’s feelings wasn’t something you could get yourself to care about.

Either way, the hurt and confusion that passes over June’s face doesn’t go unnoticed. 

“What...happened, [Y/N]?” June asks hesitantly, the entire crew watching attentively, minus Damon who you now realize was sent to follow Vexx. 

“I saw someone who reminded me of my past. I...I didn’t realize I’d even followed him outside until he had me backed into the alley.”

“Someone from your past?” Ryona pipes up, hope in her voice. If only this was a hopeful situation, you think.

“Yes, he-” you’re cut off as the airlock doors whir open once more. Damon steps in with blood splattered on his hands and shirt, and everyone turns to him as he says,

“We were followed. The blood’s not mine.”

“Followed? By who?” Aya asks, hand cradled against her chest, and a pang of guilt runs through you when you remembered why you were in the crowded bar anyways. You took it as a good sign that you were beginning to care about other’s wellbeing again. 

“Royal Guard,” Damon says while shedding his jacket and wiping his hands with a cloth Bash handed to him.

“RG? Do you think they put a tracker on us on Goldis? And what happened to the person [Y/N] was talking to?” Aya speaks at nearly a mile a minute, and finally Damon interrupts her after her last question.

“That is who [Y/N] was talking to.”

“Wait, why was a member of the RG part of your past?” Aya looks at you with only confusion in her eyes.

“Shit,” Calderon whispers. You know he’s gotten it, and you look over at him expectantly, “go ahead, tell them.”

“I’d like to reintroduce myself,” you clear your throat, not able to meet anyones eyes, least of all June, “My name is Sage Peg’asi, I’m the youngest child of King Fenris.”

While the rest of the crew is shocked, and rightly so, you feel your heart break even further when the only feeling you get from June is unadulterated disappointment. 

-

All you want to do is sleep. For as long as possible, and returning to your coma sounds preferable. You returned to your room after hashing out your place on the crew, not selling your valuables, and a surprisingly comforting talk with Calderon. An exhaustion unlike any other you’d felt before washed over you as soon as the door was closed, and while you know you’re not alone in this per say, you feel utterly hopeless. 

What is there to look forward to, really? You know that you’ll help the crew in any way you can to stop Zovack from enacting a full-scale dictatorship, but it doesn’t feel like your life has meaning nor your actions have value. You let your entire family die, were betrayed completely by your only friend, and have been shunned by your soulmate and the only person who you felt you’d been connecting to.

The days leading up to your stop on Cursa are barely memorable. You follow your feelings and sleep or simply lay in your bed for most of the time, not bothering to pay any attention to the bits and pieces of feelings coming through from June. On the off chance Ryona or Aya would force you to eat and watch you do it, it felt like conversation was forced, or at least awkward. Less so with Aya, as she held nothing back in conversation and the honesty was like a breath of fresh air after all of the secrets and hiding you’d encountered your entire life. 

At one point you had found enough courage after one of these conversations that you had tried to confront June about his reaction and subsequent avoidance, but all that did was lead both of you to tears and make the growing numbness inside of you bigger. 

When you were younger you felt elated to have any sort of feeling of your soulmate’s come through, and would easily send back either a comforting feeling or a returned happiness. Now you wished that June had been able to cut all of his feelings off from you, so that you didn’t have to feel his anger burst through when speaking on the negligence of your family. You were aware in some regard of the horrible actions of your father, yet to know that he blamed you too when all you had ever wanted to do was leave, distance yourself from the Peg’asi name and legacy and to do actual good. Looks like you’ll never get that chance, and certainly not with the one person you’d always wanted to.

#i'm still not super satisfied with the way this part ends but i rlly don't want to get into the events on cursa #that's just gonna drag this part out even longer #n e ways i hope you liked this part #there werent a lot of moments of real heartwrenching angst #but the more slow and demoralizing pain of someone deep in depression #which is significantly less satisfying but i will say it will feel really good when the comfort part of hurt/comfort comes in! #andromeda 6 #andromeda six #june x reader #june a6 #juniper nyux #june nyux #june x traveler

[parkjiminxfloorpt2]

get to know me 💫- thank you my bestie @bts-ify C for tagging me!! it really has been very long since i last played a tag game, ily!!

name: jans sign: Cancer (idk all that rising sun and moon things, im bad at zodiacs lmao) time: 7:28 PM IST birthday: July 10 fav band/artist: BTS, Conan Gray, and so many more lol last movie: this is embarrassing but, baby's day out last show- the kdrama called coffee prince, its one of my favs now!! when i created this blog- my first one was in the june of 2021, but this one was i guess november of last year :/ what i post- NOTHING. im not talented enough to create gifs, nor am i creative enough to write, so i do what i can, reblog <3 other blogs- none do i get asks- i used to..omg i remember my sexy whore anon..we used to talk almost every day!! i miss them so much, but rn, i get no asks hehe :) followers- all of them are my moots, my gorgeous pretty moots &lt;33 avg hours of sleep: 7-9 hours Dream job: okay please dont mind it if i get a little passionate here, BUT I LOVE THEATRE!! i love acting and performing on the stage. ive been into it since i was like 8 or smthg lol, uk its just smthg about drama that makes me feel alive.. so an actor it would be dream trip: i really wanna visit Paris atleast once <3 fav songs: counting stars, numb, astronomy, just one day, case 143 and soooo many more lol last song: (C WHAT A COINCIDENCE, MINES FROM INDIGO TOO!) still life, god im obsessed with that song currently reading- a jimin ff called silk sheets, its so well written <33 currently watching- the office :) when was the last time you cried?- hmm i guess last week..do you have kids- nah bro do you use sarcasm: a lot actually, so much to the point even if im saying something with no sarcasm, people think im just kidding, its annoying lol whats the first thing you notice about people: a tricky question, cuz theres a lot i notice..but maybe the way they communicate whats your eye color- black hehe scary movies or happy endings- id legit choose horror on any day. but got a soft spot for happy endings <3 special talents- idk really i guess i can make people comfortable around me.. what are your hobbies- baking!! tho im not good enough to do it by myself :/ where were you born- india do you have any pets- i really wanna adopt that stray ginger cat i see every morning in my apartment..ill just bring her home one day 🤭 what sports do you play- i TRY playing basketball, but i suck so bad fav subject in school- english. one of the easiest subjects 😚

honestly, this was stress-relieving!! really enjoyed writing it, thank you once again, C my beloved <333

tagging anyone who wants to do this!!

#tag game #bts-ify <33 #C my bub <33333

[m0e-ru]

art summaries from this year and the last !! 21-22 !!

and here's some more commentary for 2022 because i will be more annoying this year

January - not a lot happening. i was asking for art reqs and NO ONE had ideas

February - MOEL SEKIYU TUMBLR BRANCH TOHRU ADACHI BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION?

March - 3/20 YEAH WAHOOO YEAAAH

April - lots of messing around this month. my merch came in the mail though !!!

May - PXDN ERA but i answered the teddie in a dress ask from like. two months prior

June - * didnt post this anyway i was messing around with csp. i really like the marker

July - * DIDNT POST THIS EITHER but one idol's stage costume looked like sho colors. it was funny in the moment

August - * DIDNT FUCKING POST THIS EITHER I HAVE NO IDEA anyway i just think theyre very important

September - * HOW MANY BIG PIECES HAVE I NOT BEEN POSTING HERE WHAT THE FUCK WHERE DO I EVEN SHARE THEM ANYWAY MAKING THIS WAS REALLY SAD CHIZUSAN WAS RETIRING AND DELETED HER SOCIALS ohh right my mimbot

October - I was trying out watercolors (the brush) and MARIE HALLOWEEN 2022 !!!

November - pocky day :] except it's jagariko

December - new year's art !! ive been wanting to draw blorbo to sogabe's new year art from the manga so here it is !!! sorry for no christmas holiday art

and here’s the love letter ive been meaning to write all the way back in august. it’s a bit personal but also vague . I am speaking from a soapbox next to a quiet intersection and pouring my heart out

im happy to see how ive improved throughout the years, and in some aspects stayed completely the same apparently. ve been jumping around 1000 brushes and 10000 more art styles ive never stayed consistent because I wanted something new and all I had was myself ! so apparently it became whatever happened here.

It’s true I had a lot more steam last year when it came to pumping art out but I think im also glad I did less art this year in a way. I’ll admit a lot of last year was fueled by chasing people and a way to reach the top and get my voice heard I felt like I was fighting for my life but im not too sure how it looked like from the outside. It’s also been fueled by spite which made me incredibly tired and something im glad I stopped utilizing this year. That I learned my boundaries and maintained them as peacefully as I am now.

Sure im a lot more tired but I think the pace im taking is a bit better in it’s own way too. I really wish I could’ve done more this year but when I look at it from afar I guess im still chasing things, too. Maybe not something new and I never really aimed for fame or anything. Maybe I just wanted to keep what I already have?

2021 I’ll confess was also a pile of shit and I guess 2022 was the year of my digging it all away and I’m not done yet. But as long as there’s progress that’s good enough for me. I’m glad I’ve been able to do all these things than not do them at all. But sometimes I wish I could relearn the restraint I had from before.

I never wanted to put a dark stain on the things I love so as long as I ground myself and remind myself why im here I can see the light and remember why I love theses things. I’m speaking in a very vague manner and I am relating this to my time in fandom as cheesy as it sounds, but also personally, I guess.

Imagine it like im talking on a soapbox right now when I say im really glad for the time I’ve spent here—while all of it isn’t the best that could’ve happened and the fault of my own shortcomings—I still treasure it. I love all the people I’ve met and the community I’ve formed and I guess there’s this fear of losing things since I’m afraid I can’t get them back, that I haven’t learned how to even connect better anymore. I really dont want this to sound like someone died lol but I really am genuinely grateful for all the time ive spent with people and how they considered me their friend and how theyre my friend and how they just moved on to other things and im stuck in a box ive put myself in that makes it so hard to be heard I stopped talking anyway.

To those who met me this year, or last year, or the year before that, or knew me before this gas station, and still are here somehow: thank you. For your kindness, for your tags, for your asks, for your replies, for your messages, for your discords, for your writing, for your art and for everything you’ve offered me. I always mean my gratitude from the bottom of my heart and I want to stop being afraid that it doesn’t show.

If this year brings more “Mim” then so be it. I’m happy you find joy in the silly nickname and all the love behind it no matter how silly it is. And even if I drift away or we all drift apart, I treasure every memory and sometimes cry over it at night. I wish 2023 would be nice to all of us and the years after.

#kommento #arttag #// sorry for the sob story when i said id pour my heart out i didnt think id get that far #// well even if you dont read it . it's like a sealed letter you can keep like a lucky charm or something i like to think #// that theres a lot of love inside it's just radiating #// sorry just prepping for the horrors now that the holiday season is over im really distressed #// but i thank you all for the year and that i hope you get better that i get better no matter how little that better is #// i just hope it's a lot. #// and i will literally keep saying the same thing 100000000000 times and mean it every single time

[prideandpen]

not to be all boo-hoo my dad died and now i’ll never be happy again because like. obviously that’s not true. but like. im so fucking angry. if there was one good thing this year gave me it was the acceptance that I do still want to write to publish and make something of myself as an author and i had been intending on really trying to figure out how to make that happen and now? now I have been without a job since june when i left my shit retail job and been dragging my feet on finding a new one because i have been so incredibly fortunate enough to be able to live with parents who haven’t needed or expected me to put up rent

and i really thought that maybe 2023 was going to be my year, because it couldn’t possibly be worse than the bullshit ive been through this year. and now my dad is dead. and not only is that so painful because of all the things I probably should have done differently and because his doctors basically killed him by being careless and negligent and not very good people doctors but also because even with my brother moving back in im really going to have to try and find my footing again in a job im all but guaranteed to hate and struggle in which will no doubt wreck my energy and ability to create.

i really thought for a while that maybe I was finally getting closer to being happy. like generally as a whole happy - like with my life instead of good moments and good times in the midst of everything being a struggle. i thought i was going to find my way. thought that in six months I’ll be thirty and finally fucking free of my twenties and it’s got to get better, right? because i’ve been trying and putting in the work to get better and be better. and the last ten years have been such a constant challenge and now i have to turn 30 without my Dad. how can i be excited to move on to the next part of my life, the part that I thought was going to be progress and movement and finally finding the light at the end of a very long tunnel. it’s such a fucking joke like. am i just not supposed to be happy in this lifetime? is that it? i exist to keep the peace and slog through and enjoy nothing but moments and things and never find contentment? i’ll do it but it’s so fucking ridiculous any time i ever start feeling like maybe there’s a chance for me, maybe i can do it, other people get to be happy, get to be content, get to be someone or make something of their lives i am proven wrong.

my journals have years worth of entries that end with the determination to be hopeful that slowly achingly slowly morphed into the decision to believe rather than just hope. and i just don’t see the point any more when all it ever gets me is a new hole to dig myself out of

i don’t know what im doing with my life. i never have. and now it’s like life is just doing away with me because i couldn’t figure it out in time. just gonna shuffle me away into the corner somewhere to let me gather dust like a forgotten project. Even if I do somehow figure out now it’s always going to be a little bitter

#just some diary posting

[jojolovenotes]

oh my gods i have a lot to talk about! one, i havent been here awhile... like i have but its just been lurking sjjdjd, hope youre doing well! (apologies ahead of time for the very long ask, and if i make, like, no sense its almost 1 am at the time of writing this, but i also really wanted to talk cuz we havent talked in literal ages snfnn)

two, valerie and i got married! the wedding was on june 15th, and it was fairly small, mostly family and close friends, and it was in the backyard. one of my friends suggested a luau type theme since i wanted to do a garden them and val wanted to do a beachy theme, but we couldnt pick which one we wanted to do. we wrote our own vows and i could barely finish mine cuz i got so overwhelmed with emotion! ive always felt so close to her, but i finally felt like i was truly home, y'know?

and three, im taking swimming lessons again! i didnt do it last year or the year before cuz of quarentine and not exactly knowing what the plans for pools being opened were, but now that pools are finally open, i get to be in the cold, yucky tasting water that i missed so dearly! i asked val, jotaro, and lisa lisa to tag along, partially cuz we get to seim together, and partially because, since its been a while two years since i did it last, i was really nervous to get back in. then, last week, jotaro, with a little extra encouragement from star platinum, helped me with freestyle swimming! im fully away from the wall and i can do it really good (the one day that lisa lisa and valerie werent there to see it sjfhjf)

speaking of which, i have a lil letter addressed to the three of them! (you can just respond as one of them, if you want to to, if its a lil easier to do shdn): *hands you a note on light blue paper that has little seashells and otters drawn on it. written in dark blue gel pen, in somewhat messy cursive reads:* "Hey sweeties! Im not the best at writing letters (or rememebring to actually write them), but I just wanted to say thank you so much for coming to swim class with me! It means so much that you three have been here with me, helping me when i need it and cheering me on all the way! And Jotaro (and Star Platinum), thank you both for helping me do freestyle swimming! With you guys there guiding me through the water and helping keep me afloat (and trying to help me stand up without falling over again), I really think I got the hang of it! I cant wait for the next swim lessons with everyone! I love you guys so so much, and I'll see you three very soon!

Love,

Brie (*＾3＾)/～♡"

Hi Brie! 

Thank you, I hope you’ve been doing well too! It’s nice to hear from you! I know I see you in the server every now and again, but it’s nice to get an ask from you! 

Aww, congrats on the wedding omg... but a luau theme sounds like thats cute hehe. That’s super sweet! I’m glad you two are married now <3 I’m sure it was a lovely time. Small, intimate weddings are so sweet!  Oh, that’s cool! Good luck with your swimming classes... You’ve got this! Jotaro would hands down try to help you with swimming, he gives you a bit of space but not too much. He wants to be able to help you in case you need him around. He doesn’t want anything bad to happen to you of course! Valerie and Lisa Lisa would be encouraging to you too, Val and Lisa Lisa would be cheering you on and offering plenty of vocal encouragement. 

Oh a letter lovely lovely... Let’s see what we’ve got here !

--- 

Hi lovely,

You’re very welcome. You know the three of us always want to be there to support you when we can. I know Jotaro might not have a lot to say sometimes, but he definitely is doing his best to show his support for you as well. You’re doing amazing and the three of us are very proud of you. We all love you too, we’re excited to see you and help you with swimming again. I think we should celebrate with a beach trip when you’re feeling more confident... Or maybe a pool party would be good. Either way, it’ll be a nice time! 

Love, 

Lisa Lisa 

#received transmission ✨ #gushing✨ #not jojo ✨ #ships: Jotaro #ships: Lisa Lisa #aphnatasha

[gremmin]

I just went though another long ptsd phase and anorexia habits coming back, I weighed 145 beginning of the year now I’m 117, my stomach all fucked up, I can feel that it digests weird, etc. I only eat like once a day lmao, I’m so tired of this earth. I’m tired of panicking constantly and getting sick in public ugh.

I goto psych again Iv been out for 2 years, I give up on wanting another baby bc my health is declining, I’m just scared to be on antipsychotic if I need to be which is toxic to you and baby if you get pregnant, and there is no abortion now 😂 so hmm maybe that’ll be the way to die :)

May 25 2022

UPDATE: (July 5th 2022) So I had been to the ER on JUNE 25th 2022 after stopping my medical cannabis on June 22nd 2022 to find out I had a mild form of CHS (cannabinoid hypermesis syndrome) omfg I stopped I was dry heaving like mad, and tried to fix myself with ginger but it made me ill too ☠️ I felt horrible widthdrawl and now I’ll have bad dreams of people trying to offer me it so that fucking sucks bc in the dream I’ll realize and be like oh HELLL NO 😂 I don’t wanna be sick again doing it ever, the DRs finally are fixing my anxiety issue slowly though that I quit cannabis and I’m feeling like I have way more energy and I now have two anti nausea/ anti cramping meds so I can eat with ease if I go out in public, I have really bad PTSD and my new PCP still thinks I have schizotypal personality disorder and it causes me to have some deep issues and feel super embarrassed like ffs I wish I could feel more normal but at least I can be on some meds that tone it down since it is incurable and comes in phases of weeks, so it all makes sense now. I’m pissed off that I thought one of my therapists in the past was helping me with redoing my mental health diagnosises but she ended up being removed from her job where I’m back to going again after a 1-2 year quit on my own, she put the schizotypal as inactive but my pcp thinks it should be there since she saw signs of it still at my appointment I had with her, I also have some sort of panic disorder but I hope they can hear me out now since I’m not depressed and they can see that, but thought I was good but I mean I’m still the same just better coping skills, etc. im not trying to think about it so much so I write it here as my “diary or journal” and maybe I can look back and see how much progress I’ll make once again, I just wanna be good and easier for my family. 😞

[juni-ravenhall]

sorry if this is a silly question, but is Juni pronounced "yuni" as in You or "juni" like Gym asdfghnhgfds i've been wondering for about a week and am just not sure ;u;

im honoured uve been letting this thought live in ur head for a week 💜 since we dont have the hard J sound (as in gym) in swedish, i see junis name as yuni. i like to imagine that some swedish/nordic sound systems are present in jorvegian and that maybe J is usually pronounced softly by jorvegian native speakers, but thats just my headcanon.

juni/yuni is the swedish name for the month of june, which is why her name is juni in the first place. ive had other ocs/personas called june before, bc its my bday month + i like using names that start with J/Y like mine, so when i joined sso i picked the closest to june. (the ravenhall part was based on yet another oc/persona who i was writing at the time, who is similar to junis brother.)

juni's brother is given the name juli after they rescue him from pandoria, since they dont know if he had any name before that. this is also pronounced yuli to me and is the swe name for the month july.

(also i usually spell my own name yohan instead of johan online for this reason lol)

#asks #reply #answer #anon

[clownkiwi]

wowie zowie, there are a ton of new trailers!!!

there are a ton of new trailers for things im looking forward to this year that just dropped, here's my thoughts on them!!

star wars: the acolyte

the name of the game here is: cautious optimism. im being cautiously optimistic about this one because im more excited about new stories & characters in the star wars series rather than a reliance on pre-existing characters. idk, after the boba fett show, the obi wan show, mando season 3, & the ahsoka show, ive been worried about the state of star wars as its presented in shows (out of those 4, ive only ever seen 2 of them, & the quality seems pretty consistent across the board)

maybe the series just needed new names & stories to change things up. and i was initially excited for this one after it was announced to be part of the high republic initiative, an era of star wars we havent really seen in the disney canon yet. in terms of upcoming star wars content, this & the skeleton crew are like the only stuff im cautiously anticipating because of the wholly new content they're presenting

as for this show in particular, idk. ive seen people make fun of this (purely because of the recent battlefront rereleases reputation currently), but idk. this seems interesting, it seems like this one is gonna be more action packed than the slow lightsaber duels we've had in the most recent shows. and i like seeing a whole bunch of jedi together, im glad lucasfilms are getting comfortable enough to put a bunch of jedi in a scene together since the prequel films (theyve been slowly building up to this since at least the order 66 grogu flashbacks in the mando)

really, we'll have to see if this ends up being good or not when episodes start dropping in june

alien: romulus

speaking of classic 70s sci-fi series, ever since this and the tv show were announced, ive been looking forward to a new back-to-basics approach for alien!! after living through the prequel era of the 2010s, it kinda seems like the series was stuck in a weirdly creative rut?? idk, i havent actually sat through prometheus, and alien: covenant i thought was. OK. it was OK, serviceable.

but hearing that the next film would be an early reboot of the series set closer to our time, directed by fede alvarez of 2013's evil dead, i was a lil bit excited. even if i may not like 2013 evil dead, the kills in that were really gnarly & sick!! im ready to see him bring that energy into an alien film!!

and from the one minute teaser we got, it looks fun!! it looks like a fun alien movie

i liked the wave of facehuggers chasing people around

i also liked how Orange this film is. compared to like the first & second films (alien is a very Green film to me, & aliens is a very Blue film to me), i'm glad to see how Orange this film is. whenever i think of the 70s, i think of Orange, so im glad to see this film use Orange to its advantage

speaking of 70s, i like how this film accurately recaptures the exact set design of the original film. that exact feeling of claustrophobia in an old space trucker ship surrounded by an unknown lifeform that could kill you, its really cool!! this & isolation were like the only two alien media that accurately recaptured the original films unique set design

yeah, idk what else to say, this looks like a fun, freakier alien film than i ever expected!! i hope the writing quality will match up, but even if it doesnt, id be down to just watching some really freaky kills in space

#rubys clown thoughts #BTW idk if it matters but i will be pirating these two #20th century is owned by disney & theyre still giving money to israel. im gonna pirate star wars & alien when these two drop #i still wouldve pirated them even if disney wasnt donating money to israel

[toomanyfandoms-help]

some of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions ive been experiencing lately. merely needed a place to write this down and get it off my chest, so please feel free to scroll on

not fully sure exactly how to describe. depressive spiral? self-fulfilling prophecy? simply an unhinged, unhealthy person chattering away and scaring those close to them? something along those lines.

cant pinpoint where exactly it started either. i can give guesses, but its definitely something thats been building, rather than something that snapped.

im thinking somewhere in june. too good to be true, too much going right that i got suspicious. or maybe i was picking up on stuff i shouldve picked up on, did pick on earlier, and ignored.

it certainly started to crumble, starting with the trip. havent spoken to one of them since. its been 2 months. never really liked him though, and im quite assured in assuming the feeling's mutual.

then everyone got busy. and work got worse. and more busy. and even worse. hyperbolic, maybe a little. even still.

i dont push. i hate pushing. whenever i do even a little bit i hate myself for it. i take up other's offers gladly, but it gets further between. it feels less like friendship and more like im merely the person these people vent to every few weeks.

the one time (several times, i just stopped asking) i did ask, it got cancelled severely last minute with a half-assed apology. well, no. it was understandable. but still incredibly frustrating.

been spending more time with my family as a result. its familiar, in a tangy, bittersweet way that nostalgia is. we're closer than most, i know that, given the unique circumstances my and my sister grew up in. she knows me well.

everything took a turn when i quit though. on a whim (stressing all week and all day the day-of) setting my key down and leaving with head held high (shaking like a leaf and turning my music up too high on the drive home). combined with the stress of the previous day (shit going wrong with the house and my sister telling me she was probably minutes away from killing herself several years ago (something i already knew but somehow it hit harder (i can guess why))) it all just hurt

i also was with a friend. the day before i quit. kinda.

he helped me, sure. as in he helped with the house issue. but he didnt really talk to me. he tried to show me tiktoks on his phone (i spotted a groupchat with my friends without me in it (the old one with me hasnt been touched since june)) but they were all so. mindless.

we havent hung out since. he tried, twice. the first time i asked how many people he asked before me (its been a reoccurring problem, actually, where i am the last thought of) and he said i was the first. i didnt believe him. he tried again the next day, but i was actually looking forward to hanging out with my family so i declined.

he hasnt reached out since.

i sometimes think about how it makes me upset i cant be angry. im not really allowed to be. which is a weird thing to think about. what do i mean i cant be angry. but i think i mean it in a way like. my anger burns so deep and hot and fast, and its never good. its never for a good reason. being angry feels good, sometimes, but i cant revel in the feeling because i should not have been angry. i did things i regret.

i dunno. anger is a good emotion to have. i know that. it feels good, to feel your blood boiling just a bit and steam clouding your vision. its the one way i can really lose myself.

but its aimless. im usually angry at things i cant counteract or control or do literally anything against. it builds up. i cant release it. and when i do get angry at something i can do something about, well. it usually gets much more than deserved.

but how do you apologize for that. im not sorry for my anger, i was rightful to be angry. but my actions were maybe over the top. maybe i let out too much. maybe im not communicating at all. i dont know

how does one just. stop. not in a suicide way, but also not not in a suicide way.

i cant just go. not right now. my birthdays in 2 fucking days and i cant do that to my family. so maybe after. but we've got a vacation in 2 weeks and i dont want that to be canceled because its supposed to be the last family vacation we have.

but i cant last that long. im in limbo right now, and every single second is tearing at me and i just cant fucking feel anything anymore.

theres things i want to experience and be around for but the price of being a human being is just so fucking high that i cant fucking do it anymore. why do i exist on this miserable mortal coil and drag people down with me. why am i here

can it just stop, please

#personal #vent #suicide mention