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arielleslipgloss · 1 month

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It Girl Habits!!

(none of these photos are mine)

“You cannot live your life to please others. The choice must be yours.” - Anne Hathaway

Stay busy!! Do you see those it girls like Serena Van Der Woodsen scrolling on their phone all day? No, you rarely do. It girls are always busy doing something. So, therefore do some self care, study, workout, read, journal, go shopping, go on solo dates, hang out with friends, paint, have a dance party, etc. Do fun activities and take care of yourself. Another example of a busy it girl is, Elle Woods. Elle Woods wasn’t becoming one with the couch everyday. She had goals to achieve. She had people that doubted her to prove wrong. So get up! Start planning out your day or week. Start making goals!!

Have goals! You wanna know why you’re bored all the time? Well, it’s because you have no goals. You practically don’t have a life because all you do is sleep, eat, scroll, and repeat. You’re wasting time doing nothing. You could’ve had a clean room by now. Maybe you could have finished that book. Whatever it is, you could have had it. You could’ve been 1% better than yesterday. You don’t though because you have no goals. That time you’re wasting, can be used toward your goals. It can be used toward your dream life. Maybe, you do have goals? Yet you don’t even take action. What are you waiting for? For someone to do the work for you? No, get up and start taking action.

Be mindful of what you consume online!! Just like how who you surround yourself with affects you. What you consume online affects how and who you are. For example, listening to sad music makes you feel sad. Music is meant to tell a story that you feel deeply. You may not even relate to the song, but you feel as if you do. So, you become sad and continue to listen to sad music. When listening to uplifting music you gain confidence. You still feel like you relate to the song. Just with a more positive effect. As for what you watch and read. Don’t read/watch stuff that will put you down. Watch/read content that will help you.

Complimenting yourself every time you pass the mirror!! Some may say it’s cringy, but DO IT. Would you rather be cringy or be the best version of yourself? Exactly, so either say it out loud or in your head. Say it even if you might not believe it. Say it because you deserve it! Try to be creative with your compliments. Not all compliments have to be about your looks. It could be your personality, your thoughtfulness, how creative you are, etc. Also loosen up, be your own hype girl. When you see the mirror you could say, “Omg I look like the main character.” “Oh wait, I am!” Lastly, don’t forget to have fun with hyping yourself up.

Mediating or journaling when stressed!! When stressed we start to feel a lot of tension. So, that’s why meditating is so important to do when stressed. All you have to do is sit down and focus on breathing. Plus, It calms down your nerves, relaxes the mind, body, and soul. Not just that, but plenty of other benefits. Which includes, helps focus, betters mood, helps you sleep, slows down aging, etc. As for journaling, it’s practically free therapy! That is, at least in my eyes. All you need is a notebook, a pen or pencil, and yourself. Journal what’s making you stressed or anxious. Let all your emotions out, write freely. Your words don’t have to make sense. Nor do you need to have perfect writing. In fact, when you journal it may be all over the place. However or whatever you write, just let it out.

Expressing your gratitude!! Life is so beautiful and has so much meaning. So, either write down what you’re grateful for or thank God. You are so blessed to be here today. That is only just one thing to be grateful for. There are so many things to be grateful for, air, family, friends, your mind, being born as you, water, books, food, shoes, clothes, and so much more!! Express your gratitude everyday. It could be the most random thing like, a poster. As long as you’re truly grateful, then express it.

7. Having a low screen time!! Cliché, I know but it’s true. Your devices are consuming you. Think about what you use your device(s) for. Good examples are, for work, for motivation, tips, workout videos, inspiration, knowledge, and maybe even faith reasons. Now here are bad examples, procrastinating, sinning, hating on others, scrolling, because you’re bored, to watching videos of people that make you insecure, and lastly to cope with something. Which to clarify, trying to cope by using your phone, I understand somewhat. On the other hand, it could make what you’re coping with worse. I say that because there are so many studies on why our phone is bad for us. Seriously, so many and we are completely unaware of the damage it does. So for that reason, try to use your phone only for the good. I know you’re probably going to make an excuse. Which we all do and that’s ok, but please try.

8. Encouraging yourself to do better!! You should always be working hard to be 1% better everyday. So on the days you don’t feel like doing anything, encourage yourself. Show up for yourself, you will be so happy after. Lastly, trust yourself to get whatever done!!

9. Having a healthy sleep schedule!! For me, I try to aim for 8-11 hours of sleep. For others, it may be 7-10 hours of sleep. Whatever makes you feel the most well-rested should work. Just try to be consistent and mindful of the time. I also recommend to be off your phone for at least 30-60 minutes before going to bed. It will improve how you sleep a lot. That also being said, try not to be on your phone when you wake up either. It’ll help improve your health by a lot. Especially, the health of your brain and eyes. As I had mentioned, try to be consistent. Set a certain time to go to bed and turn off your phone. Then, get your lovely beauty sleep gorgeous!!

10. CLEANING!! The last habit is, cleaning. Now, I don’t just meaning cleaning your room or house. I mean even your body and mind. For starters, a clean room equals a clean mind. Therefore, stop procrastinating and start cleaning. Turn on some fun music and maybe even romanticize cleaning. Just make it fun and DEEP clean. I know someone reading this has been procrastinating on cleaning. You know who you are, so clean everything. Then, for cleaning the mind a little extra meditate. I feel like I already went over a bit about meditation. So lastly, for the body, take your showers consistently. Also, please wear deodorant. I see way too many people nowadays not wearing deodorant. Seriously, wear your deodorant.

“Always walk around like you have on an invisible tiara on.” - Paris Hilton

Remember, always apply lip gloss and stay pretty! Love you, dolls 💋

Info I used: https://reallifecounseling.us/blog/benefits-of-meditation

My Pinterest: @arielleslipgloss

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prettyebonylux · 4 months

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To HEAL

"Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with work, with anything; but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them" - I. Vanzant

Healing is something I have been off and on with for years. However, I know I can't become the best version of myself without healing from ALL of my traumas. At 20 years old, I am completely dedicated to my level-up and femininity journey.

I am DEDICATED to:

Getting a therapist {fix my daddy/mommy issues, childhood trauma, low esteem, and self-worth}

Doing shadow work

Journaling everyday

Holding myself accountable for my actions.

Do my affirmations every day.

As of January 2, 2023 I have been in therapy for 5 months! I have changed so much over the last 6 months (prep for 1 month before I started). I lost 90% of my friends because of my change in behavior and level-up. Many of those friends were trying to hold me back; they would say stuff like, "I don't like this new you" or "You never used to do this or that," and I realized they didn't like the "new" me because she wasn't a loud, self-deprecating, problematic, and wearing my insecurities on my sleeve. Although it has been lonely, I'm at peace right now. Maybe in 2024, I will meet new friends but right now, this year is for me

#self development #self healing #self love

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your-devoted-domme · 2 months

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About me

I'm an introvert who is a huge dork at heart. I love spending time in nature (particularly the forest), reading and writing, learning new things (particularly about languages/linguistics, anthropology and history, mythology and different religions), going to the theatre and opera, listening to outdated music and playing with my dog.

I consider myself a (female) bisexual dominant stone top, meaning I like being in charge and making my subs feel good but I do not enjoy being on the receiving end of any sort of penetration and most other sex acts. I'm interested in both male and female subs with a preference for other women.

What I'm looking for on here:

Friends or a long-term romantic relationship (I'm not interested in polyamory but it wouldn't be a deal breaker if my partner was). I'm not interested in casual play at all and I will only engage in D/s with a romantic partner.

What I'm looking for in a partner:

looking for a long-term romantic relationship

in my age range (~ 21-35, roughly)

I'm very attracted to people who are just good (kind, helpful). I don’t need someone to be the smartest person or the most confident or the funniest, just try to be the kindest version of yourself you can be.

good communication, willingness to listen and speak up if there are problems

mutual respect (especially when it comes to personal boundaries) and trust

willingness to compromise

strong sense of self and independence, maturity

overall emotional connection

I adore gentle people and even those who are a bit shy.

"naturally submissive" as in not just looking to have a certain kink fulfilled but who is happy to let me take charge in the bedroom

feminist/feminist ally

has done their homework with regards to kink -- it's fine to be inexperienced (I am as well) but I would hope any person wanting to engage in kink has at least done some research

someone who doesn't view me as a "kink dispenser" and sees me as a human being who is flawed and imperfect just like everyone else

Me as a partner:

Of course, it's a bit silly to just write a whole essay about what I am like in a relationship so I'm not going to do that and just hope my positive qualities will become clear during actual conversation. :)

That being said, I try to embody all of the traits I look for in a partner myself (kindness, empathy, independence, maturity, mutual respect, loyalty, honesty...). Since my biggest love languages are Acts of Service and Quality Time, it's important to me to put aside time for my partner and really focus on them as well as performing small acts that make them happy, such as getting their favourite drink from the coffee shop or helping them with a task they've been struggling with.

I also try to actively improve myself, mostly by journaling (doing shadow work), meditating and going to therapy.

One of the things I'm still working on is my tendency to withdraw when I'm stressed and wanting to solve all my problems by myself.

I'm also still finishing up university right now, so in case of a potential long-distance relationship, I don't know what my situation will look like in a year or so. Ideally, my partner would be open to re-locating to Germany.

One last thing to note is that I've only had relationships with other women before but I am bisexual so I'm open to men as well. I've mostly avoided dating men because I am a stone top and I figured most men wouldn't be into that and because I don't enjoy all of the gender roles and expectations in straight relationships. Let me buy a beautiful boy flowers if I want to!

Me as a domme:

I don't have much experience with domming per se but I have been a stone top in all of my previous relationships. I learnt that I like being the "active" partner, the one who does things rather than being the one who gets acted upon. I don't enjoy being penetrated at all, I would be okay with receiving cunnilingus but frankly, my sexuality is more focused on my partner and making them feel good. That's why long-term chastity/orgasm denial doesn't interest me, I enjoy making my partner come too much to be satisfied with that.

In general, I would consider myself more along the lines of a gentle domme, I'm very into giving praise and taking care of my partner in the bedroom. I don't like being harsh at all and I do not want to insult/degrade my sub (making them fell embarrassed is another matter entirely -- especially if my sub becomes flustered because of the praise I heap onto them).

I think there are two overall "schools" of femdom, with the focus either being on the sub or the dom and of course most people fall somewhere in the middle. I consider "dom-focused" to be acts like a sub attending to their domme in the bath or performing body worship on them or admiring their beauty while "sub-focused" would be the reverse of that -- it can also be a dominant act to want to care for a sub. I'm more in the latter camp, I want to adore my sub and it's important to me that they are okay with being the object of my affection (and desire).

My ideal dynamic:

The most important thing I crave in a dynamic is being able to feel like I'm taking care of my sub in some manner. I love providing pleasure and making them feel 'safe'.

I'm also looking for a mostly bedroom-only dynamic. I don't mind having a couple of general rules if that's something my partner is interested in but I don't think the 24/7 high protocol life is for me. I want my partner to still feel like an equal outside of kink.

My ideal dynamic would involve a lot of mutual reassurance and communication. I would love to be with someone I feel safe exploring with, someone that makes it easy to just be myself and where I don't have to worry about not meeting their expectations. I also want to hear my partner's thoughts about everything, they need to let me know what they like/dislike and generally have an open communication style.

I also like it when my subs show some initiative, especially in the beginning when we're both still trying to figure out the other I think it's so important to know that this is what they want.

Occasional bratting can be fun but more for when the dynamic is actually established. Right in the beginning I think I would lose my confidence as a domme too much if my sub constantly sassed me and I felt I had to always "make" them do things rather than them being excited about obeying me. I'm also more generally interested in obedience, there is something very beautiful about someone giving me this "gift" of their obedience.

Now for some specific insights:

a dream would be to be able to dress my subs, decide what outfit they'll wear for the day and what clothes to buy when out shopping. For long-distance it would even be fun to receive an "outfit of the day" selfie

I'm looking for a good girl/boy to shower with attention and take care of (while they are still a mature/capable adult outside of the bedroom)

I love obedience and "casual" non-sexual submission, especially a sub kneeling before me while I run my fingers through their hair, maybe hand feed them a snack if they get hungry.

I don't really like gender roles, I look quite traditionally feminine and I'm usually attracted to feminine women and masculine men but when it comes to behaviour, I do not like to stick to certain requirements. I like opening doors for my sub but I also love it when they offer me their arm so I can hold it and steer them where I want to go

I enjoy giving a lot of praise, maybe even in a slightly patronising/condescending way during a scene but I'm not overly fond of degradation. Some slight verbal humiliation would be okay for me but I honestly prefer giving praise.

Kinks

praise

pegging/strap on use

toys

spanking

fingering

overstimulation

edging

pet names

collars/leashes

kneeling

handcuffs/soft bondage

shibari

obedience +devotion

shy subs

body worship (giving)

size kink

fingers in mouth

marking/biting

fucking machine

remote controlled toys

anal

free use

...

Limits:

ABDL, age regression

incest (simulated or otherwise)

watersports, scat

feederism

sissy, feminization (not because I don't like feminine men but because it often tends towards being misogynistic as in "being feminine makes me feel submissive")

cuckolding

forced bi

chastity (short term denial or edging is okay but I would lose interest if I didn't get to see my sub come regularly <3)

degradation (I don't mind making a sub feel embarrassed about something but I prefer praise to insults)

any fetishes that are based in misogyny, homophobia or racism

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the-joy-of-knowledge · 2 years

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September Blessings.

I believe September will bring me joy, wholeness, and abundance. It will be the month where I challenge myself, explore my creative side, take risks, put in more work, and prioritize myself.

Oh September, I await you with full arms for I know my life will take a massive turn and I am going to do only three things while I await these successes.

I will be courageous: I am going for it, I am starting a writing therapy class even if only one person shows up. I will use a little courage to enter rooms I felt were beyond me, introduce myself to people, take that leap, trust myself enough to create my dream life, and share my creative and entrepreneurial attempts with anyone willing to learn and live a fulfilled life.

I will be grateful: As much as I want new and better things in my life, I will always be grateful for what I have and have achieved, for the progress I have made, and the people in my life. I have met great people here on Tumblr and I am thoroughly grateful for the responses to each of my posts. Having a gratitude journal reminds me of the little things I easily ignore and how certain things I once dreamed of have become my reality.

I will be optimistic: I am optimistic about life. Life has so many folds, it is beautiful, mysterious, and twisted but it brings a version of us that we never knew. Optimism makes me exercise and eat well, I know there is so much ahead of me and I need to be healthy to be able to enjoy these moments. I take risks knowing well that it will turn out great for me.

I will keep doing these things and I hope you all enjoy all the blessings September will bring to you.

#self improvement #self love #beauty #growth #mindfulness #education #get motivated #motivatedmindset #motivating quotes #that girl #reading #writing #journalling #self care #self development #habittracker #habit #knowledge #energy

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pinkscerry · 7 months

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What's up homies!!!? How's college life? Kaya paba? Kung kaya nira, kung kaya ko, kaya mo liwat!.

This activity indeed open an opportunity for me to introduce myself because for some reason I felt that am left behind, being an irreg student sucks huhu.

To begin with, let me acquaint all of you. Hi! I am 𝐂𝐲𝐫𝐚 but you can call me 𝑺𝒂𝒚𝒔𝒂𝒚, 21 years stunner. A 4th yr student taking up Bachelor of Arts in Communication under the advisory class of ma'am Chelo aka master Jopay. A senior student who looks like a freshman or sophomore because of my height, cute size though, lol.

Story Time ✓

Dyk? of course you don't HAHAHA kidding aside. Being a BACOM student wasn't in my plan at the first place. My childhood dream is to be become an educator, and yes I pursue it but in just a span of 2 s.y (1st-2nd yr) because of some horrific reason I shifted course/program. Almighty God has changed my path, he brought me into BACommunity and I believe that this is the right way for me to achieve success. Even though I didn't get the course I wanted, I'm happy with what I'm taking now. I already love my course, I'm embracing it's essence and the people involve.

Here's the uninterested things about me;

✓ I do love cooking, I can cook, just drop what dishes you want I'ma cook it for you, keme HAHAHA

✓ Loves to read books, acads/wattpad related.

✓ Music is my therapy, and also I'm a huge fan of Taylor #swiftie

✓ I am fascinated and mesmerized by the sight of sunset. Sunset always reminds me that an ending can be beautiful too.

✓ I'm a moonchild, l like moon so much. It's my therapy too, if I'm going to be baptized again I'm beyond grateful to choose Luna as my name.

✓ Family oriented and tatay's girl ♥️ I can conquer everything just for them. They're my inspiration, weakness and strength.

✓ Hobby? if eating is a hobby then I'll count it on HAHA ems, the truth is I'm into poems, I do write too (kapag may motivation). I have some works on my journal skl. I do write story too, in my watty account though I feel it like a 'basura' and conyo.

All about my hometown

This photo is the animated version of St. James the Greater Parish church. (ctto)

Taft is one of the ancient pueblos in Samar situated in the Eastern coast which was called Tubabao or Tubabaw in early times. This town was originally named after the river called Malinaw, but since the river causes heavy floods during rainy season, people began calling the place Tubig, which means water in Waray-Waray. Taft has 24 barangays

#BungtohanTubig

Have you heard about Dangkalan Pacific Beach Resort of Taft? if you haven't then take a look on how beautiful the scenery was. Way back in highschool life of mine, me together with my circle of friends used to go in here. We didn't pay for the entrance because we went through the back, by the sea HAHAHA this resort definitely go beyond your expectations, perfectly beautiful (sayang diko na ma post yung pictures, max of 10 pics lang pala dito).

Also, Taft has a hydropower plant energy. The project uses of the running water in Taft-Tubig river to secure affordable power in the Samar-Leyte area. It consists of three units with 5.9 MW each.

“Hydro projects are challenging to build but despite the pandemic [the company] did it in record time of less than two years,” Taft Hydro Energy President Benjie Q. Picardo said in a statement.

And now, I'm loud and proud to shared the barangay that I love despite of having a lot of marites, this is the place where I born, grow up and reside, Brgy. Mabuhay, Taft, E. Samar (insert mini miss u music)

Not to brag but my great grandfather was the first barangay captain. He also donated land to build a school, so our barangay had an elementary school.

#MabuhayElementarySchool

So, this is my first entry. Thank you so much for lending your precious time reading and taking a look at my blog, Mabuhay ka hangga't gusto mo. Smile sweetie, it suits you. Khob khun Kha!!!

#acads

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theeclecticwitchblog240 · 1 year

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I would like to share what I’ve been doing recently with my shadow work which has helped me immensely & I felt compelled to share my thoughts with you all on the topic…if I could…

So let's talk about making a shadow work Playlist!

Why make a shadow work Playlist especially if you are working on shadow work?

My reason is that music tends to bring deep emotions from events out for me. I tend to connect with music a lot more as well. It helps get my thoughts up and active, generates memory lane, and paves the way for me opening up and connecting with myself. Plus it’s the joy of mixing pain with feel good music at the same time. Before I found out about shadow work I used music as my own version of “therapy” and I’d journal my thoughts while jamming out.

So let's say you are one of those types as well, who connects with music on a deep level, perhaps you could give this thought a try and make a Playlist that causes you to think about certain situations or feel through them….

What songs should I put?

I found songs that connected with me through certain aspects. My relationship trauma i chose songs that talked about the heartache I was feeling. I’m very into lyrics more than anything else I mean a great catchy beat is awesome you know…but the lyrics are the soul to the song…without lyrics it’s just rhythm and beats. Well that’s just my opinion.

Another example is using “Love Like You” as a way to connect with my inner child, inner tween, and inner teen, and yes my young adult years too, Because it makes me feel like I am giving those parts love and attention. They are allowed to speak and be heard. I didn’t get to really have a normal childhood experience so this for me has been very difficult but important for my personal growth and development as an individual.

So finding songs that can assist with certain aspects may be great to add to a shadow work Playlist and you can totally add to it as well as delete if it’s become irrelevant or your feelings change. I’ve compiled several playlists to choose from depending on what type of shadow work I want to do. I’m old and still use my mp3 player 😂 but it works great for me. It’s not connected to any computer or phone with interruptions or those pesky ads apps make you listen to nowadays you know.🤷‍♀️😂

Another suggestion is go online and google search different song’s lyrics…ok so like I go to lyricsuniverse.co m and search up an artist I like right, I will then look thru the different albums and songs by that artist and read the lyrics instead of listening to the music aspect….I learned a lot of new songs and relived old memories as well as emotions by doing this method. Some parts were painful and agonizing but others were on the opposite end and were fond memories and emotions I had missed by putting it out of sight out of mind kinda thing you know, but welcomed back like an old lost friend.

So, How should I use this??

Well, Whenever you do shadow work, you could use the Playlist as background music. This could help you focus or you could use a particular song as a prompt and try to describe why you feel these ways and focus on healing through it. This method is of particular my favorite! I say that cause there is a few certain key songs that were played at a very important loved one’s funeral, and until I sat myself down and put this into practice, I couldn’t dare listen to the songs without bawling. When I allowed myself to listen and write out my thoughts and emotions as well as the pain associated with them, I was able to process my pain, forgive myself and find acceptance in their passing. It was a pivotal moment to be able to be somewhere,in public especially, and hear one of those songs come on in the store background…to not burst in tears, to instead push through the pain and turn my head up and look at it as them saying hi, I’m not alone! And smile with bittersweet happiness.

Another option is just letting your mind ramble with a song. Let what truly hurts just fall onto the paper and go for it. Don’t overthink in fact try not to think and just write whatever comes out…I tend to start my entries out as if I was still in school, you know the “Name Date & Subject” layout except instead of using my name, I name my entry instead….”random thoughts” or perhaps “my rant and rave for the day” something simple you know.

I hope you have enjoyed learning about my shadow work Playlist suggestions and tips. Perhaps you feel inspired to get started making some of your own. I felt this was really interesting to share and might help some as well in the process.

Thanks for reading,

BB!

#shadow work #witches coven #witchy witches #witches #witches of tumblr #witchcraft #baby witch #witchy tips #witchblr #wiccablr #wicca for beginners #Wicca #witchcraft community #witch tip #pagan witch #witchy things #eclectic witch #witch

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satisfied-cone · 1 year

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TL;DR: my wiccan path lead from therapy, selfcare, and yoga through conlanging to prayer.

ok so theres this exercise my therapist has me do to learn self soothing, where you have two chairs and on the one you take the POV of your younger self or your inner child or smth with all their fucked up emotional baggage.

and on the other chair you are your adult mature self and you talk through your emotions and how to maturely cope and that does a lot for me.

usually i will say my feelimgs about the thing, might make myself cry, i let it all out, and then to self soothe i do breathwork. tense and release, stretch, breathe in and out with the intention of cleansing my energy. when i do it outside of therapy it sometimes becomes a proper sun salutation but i need it to feel comfortable and genuine.

often this takes the form of crying and journaling in my bed and then giving my mirror image a pep talk.

or as i just figured out, i can talk to my shadow as the kid version of me and the sun as the grown-up. OR the other way around, turn my back on the sun as and watch my own shadow in child POV and face the sun as the voice of reason in adult POV.

and then i thought wouldnt it be soo cool and nerdy to talk about my secret feelings in a secret language?? i journal in toki pona sometimes because the philosophy is simplicity and feelings are often complicated, so why not speak to myself in it? i have noone to speak it with really so doing my therapeutic selftalk at the mirror or the sun in my cool simplistic secret language made so much sense.

and i did that with this reasoning i wrote here. and then i noticed smth. essentially what i did is indistinguishable from prayer. i did myself a prayer. im shooketh. i think i get it now. this is waaay fucked up, i love it.

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bobrossstan · 2 years

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what future careers do you imagine the euphoria characters have?

This is such an interesting question! I have been reading others people answers, so there might be similar responses.

Rue - i agree with everyone and see her taking Ali's position. I honestly don't see her going to some big college, maybe a community one. But i do believe that she is very wise in her own way and would be a huge help to addicts recovering. I mean, she was such a big help in helping Lexi and giving her assurance.

Maddy - she becomes famous from her makeup posts in ig so she becomes an influencer/make up artist. People go crazy for her creative colorful makeups and her dancing. She does marry someone rich, but she has her own thing going on.

Cassie - no idea. Since she loves ice skating, maybe she goes back to her ice skating roots and goes to a community college to study something like sports teaching. Then she has a simple life teaching small girls to ice skate and also uses her experience (and therapy) to be a good teacher.

Kat - She TOTALLY becomes a erotic romance writer. She continues posting in ao3 and someone discovers her. She still receives money from her short time in Only Fans meanwhile she was studying writing in college.

Lexi - She goes to some big college where she studies writing. I actually can see her having different majors like writer, journalist, psychologist, lawyer, idk. But anything she does she does really well. I think she would go with journalism maybe, she is such a good observer and has a way with words. But then she moves to a farm with his husband and does freelance.

Fez - we can all agree he is a stay at home husband. He has already worked for ten years so he is not interesting I'm doing much, just taking care of his wife and children. He is very good in his farm so he sometimes sells the fruits and vegetables he grows, and he volunteers in those big brother programs also.

Jules - i have this theory that after trying to go for fashion design, she discovers that she has a lot of inner thoughts to express through her art, so she starts doing drawings and art about her struggle with femininity during her life, her struggles, her experience with therapy, and it always has references to the ocean. She becomes and activist and is a big icon in the new York lgtb+ community. She does a big exhibition in NY and lexi writes about her art.

Ash - he is rich rich rich with cryptocurrency and that ny stuff (i forgot the name) he is always spoiling his big brother with things he needs. "Yo, i sent you a car, change that fuckin thing that doesn't work" "yo, got you the last iphone" "got my nieces some ipads"

BB - she becomes TikTok famous when a video of her doing comments and encouraging a fight. But this only lasts for 5 minutes and then she goes back to working in a fast food restaurant.

Nate - dead. Jail. Prison.

Cal - only fans. But then goes to jail.

Bobbi - successful af play producer. She asks Lexi for help most of the times and they work together in some big version of euphoria for Broadway.

Ethan - very very successful actor. He has been nominated for everything, Tony's, Emmys, Oscars, and it's very popular for participating in bid musicals and being a crazy talented dancer.

#there are some similar answers #i believe in jules being an artist #and activist #my fez is a home wife

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hermitshideout · 1 year

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My tips on productivity for those who struggle with procrastination

Those are all tips that I gained from my own experience while fighting with my bad habits for years. I still haven't fully overcome them, but I feel that it helps, so maybe it'll help you too. I'd like to stress that I am not a qualified specialist on mental health and if you're struggling with procrastination the first thing you should do is seek professional help. All that said, here are the tips from me:

Fix your sleeping scedule & wake up early. I personally find it much easier to get into work when I start my day early, I feel like that makes me feel like I woke up to do certain things.

Plan a daily morning & night routine. It doesn't have to be long, but anything's better than staring at your phone for an hour after you woke up or before going to sleep.

Make to-do lists and prioritize tasks. I personally am forgetting things often, so having a list of things to be done really helps. I also like planning my work for the whole month and putting my calendar where I can see it so I always see when my deadlines are.

Don't dive into work without rest, it'll only make your procrastination impulses more. I have actually made that mistake many times. If you have a project or any other task that you're really passionate about, take your time. You don't want to juat work non-stop on it 24/7 so you burn out and find yourself unable to get out of bed for weeks. Keep in mind that you should switch activities time to time, I, for example, prefer to work for about 5 hrs a day (I don't go to college rn, I study for my entrance exams and am also working from home), sometimes a little more, and also take some time for exercise, hobbies and just chilling (like watching some Netflix for an hour). Give your brain a break.

Work on your perfectionism or other mental things that trigger your procrastination. Of course, the best way to do that is to get into therapy, but if you're a broke ass like me and you can't afford therapy, those are things that I do: a) research; for me part of the help was just figuring out why I procrastinate, turned out perfectionism isn't a very healthy thing; b) journaling; sometimes getting your thoughts and worries on paper just helps me to clear my mind and take a side look on myself; c) talk to someone about this stuff; sometimes it helps to just talk about your concerns with someone you're close with to get some support from them; ofc don't treat them like your free therapist, but sometimes your loved ones can give you a useful insightinsight.

Add some physical activity to your daily routine. It really helps. Not sure why thought, it probably has something to do with hormones and stuff.

Be kind to yourself. No one is perfect, no one can just snap their finger and turn into a super productive version of themselves in one day. You'll trip and fall time to time, but it's okay. You are already doing a lot by simply working to become better. Learn how to forgive yourself and accept all your flaws. It is definitely easy to say, I know, I have been trying to do that for years now and I'm still not done. But you can do that, have faith in yourself.

That's all I think. Those are not the only things I do ofc, but they are the most basic ones I think. Share your own tips, if you have them!

#self growth #self care #productivity #journal #personal #tips on productivity #procrastination

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crimeloyalty-arch · 2 years

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𝐎𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐂𝐊𝐎𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆⸻ i stayed up way too late last night reading rachael allen’s harley quinn: reckoning (would recommend!) and am throwing together a few notes about what i’m incorporating into my portrayal!! spoilers for the book ahead of course!

school.

harley takes a gap year after graduating high school to participate in the gotham university bridge scholars program - “wherein high school graduates who are outstanding in STEM, especially ones who aren’t from the best neighborhoods or backgrounds, get paid to intern in labs across campus”

the lab she works in studies the SV1 gene - trying to figure out if there’s a genetic marker that predisposes someone to being a supervillain. she suggests an epigenetic component - “what if every time a person experiences trauma, it causes a posttranslational modification to the gene, and if a person accumulates enough life trauma, it increases their chances of becoming a super-villain? . . . not everyone has a dangerous version of the SV1 gene . . . what if it’s a combination of a bad SV1 gene and traumatic life experiences?” she co-authors a paper on the subject (though her skeevy professor does not list her as lead author despite his promises.)

harleen manages to secure a blood sample from the joker and his epigenetic markers are off the charts ⸻ but harleen’s levels are twice his. she is a little bit panicked about this.

she receives the gotham u presidential scholarship, which allows her to attend the school - but there’s a part of her that is always uncertain of whether or not she actually earned it

life.

her mom died when she was about ~7 & she is a little bit touchy around hospitals as a result, though she’s working to get over it

she’s very claustrophobic in her youth ( and pop-tarts are a fairly big trigger for her), though she’s trying self-conducted exposure therapy to address this

speaking of - her dad gets murdered by a group of thugs when she’s 18. she sees them beginning to shake him down for money he owes and turns the other way - so she lives with the knowledge that she could have possibly stopped his death.

she’s had a weird fascination with the joker since she was 18 - she’s more than a little bit inspired by his persona; that’s what gives her the courage to stand up to her dad the day he dies.

she has adhd (but has figured out how to work with it by the time she’s in college)

she still competes in gymnastics during her gap year - and she teaches younger kids in order to be able to afford her own lessons.

very skilled at picking locks!! definitely a result of childhood trauma!!

love.

she’s dating a girl named bernice who is also in her lab - she’s very much in love. full ‘i’m gonna marry this girl.’

this is where she gets the infamous stuffed beaver - bernice found the beaver at some flea market and hid her journal in it.

when bernice ends up in arkham, harley gets custody of the beaver. she has it to this day.

the reckoning.

she’s part of a vigilante group called the reckoning, a group of four gotham u students fighting against the rampant misogyny present on campus.

they expose several professors + apprehend a truly terrible man ( though the circumstances leading up to his arrest result in bernice being sent to arkham. ) harley makes the active choice not to kill.

her vigilante activity ceases once she actually starts as a student - she is afraid of jeopardizing her scholarship and....

harley meets renee montoya for the first time in connection with this group ( and is in fact arrested by her. ) montoya agrees to drop the investigation into the group if they disband, and harley agrees.

things i may / may not be keeping.

i’m still figuring out what origin i want to keep for the harley quinn nickname... j’s harlequin -> h’s ‘harley quinn’? maybe? harleen (2019)’s slut-shamey origin (and harley reclaiming it)? mm....... i don’t know. i’ll get back to y’all.

still figuring out exactly how much harleen changes when she becomes harley in terms of personality - but i def don’t see her as the ‘omg rainbow sparkles unicorns’, always yelling, full of energy girlie that’s presented in this book. we shall see how this shakes out. i think it’s a fair take but i just don’t think it’s my take!!

she maaayyy or may not volunteer at arkham while she’s an undergraduate student. if she does it’s def only to try and see bernice.

also not entirely positive she has any face to face contact w/ joker while she’s this young (vs. the brief meeting they have in the book) . . . i think i prefer their first encounter being him almost murdering her on the street after she’s out of med school. i just.. like.. she’s eighteen 😵‍💫 and we all know how it ends up ... and i don’t ...... 🙃

i’m just like so curious to see what the next book does with harley joining a sorority ( she’s considering at the end of this book ) & how that impacts her sense of belonging ( especially ‘cause the book’s author seems to have had a really positive experience with her sorority and so i don’t think she’s going to want to portray it in a negative / exclusionary way ). i’m also not 100% sure which way i’m gonna go with this - because again i’m not 100% sure how that unravels and leads harley to the super lonely place she is when she meets joker?? i really have no interest in the ‘blonde bitches are mean to harley ‘cause she’s poor’ plot so i .... will think about this.

#this is literally entirely for my reference LMAO #'octavia read mad love' no ♡#jk it's on the list #i was just swayed by the queer romance this book promised me (and DELIVERED)#⸻ to live for the hope of it all — ooc.

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returntosaturn271995 · 4 months

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Tuesday, December 27th: A gust of wind

I'm not sure when exactly I committed to living. I'm not even sure exactly when I stopped actively wanting to kill myself. It just stopped playing on repeat in the radio station from hell that used to be my mind.

"Sleep in too late again?" Kill yourself.

"That guy you weren't that into didn't text you back?" Kill yourself.

"Literally one small chore". Ki- well you get the point.

For a very long time, I was passively waiting for something in life to definitively tip me one way or the other: a relationship, a job, a strong wind that day.

It didn't make me much of a fighter. More of a self-contained neutralization of destructive and positive forces. Starbucks coffee and enlightenment books vs. alcohol and bad boyfriends. It was exhausting. Not much fight was left.

Then today, while I was power walking on the treadmill watching the beginning of the Barbie movie at my parent's house: I had a different kind of thought.

I noticed that the incline and tread were way more difficult at one mile than the normal 3-mile walks/runs I do at home. So I thought- okay just hit one mile on the treadmill and that counts as a short jog for the day. Then two thoughts appeared to duel it out:

The first: One mile is lame. You're supposed to run a 10 K this year, you may as well not worked out at all you weak weak bitch.

The second: What so running a mile on the treadmill is terrible? Should I kill myself then? No? Because that's stupid? Oh well, back to making progress in small, achievable steps every day.

And you what that is? Growth. Snarky, beautiful, HBO character growth.

At some point I realized I was never going to end my life, like I said, lazy. So might as well do the best I can, where I am, with what I got. And after reading some old journal entries- I have a hell of a lot more than last year. Amazing legs and more passport stamps jump to mind first.

So yeah, weirdly, "Are you going to kill yourself over this?" has become the ironic power mantra to my old suicidal ideation. A healthier version of this might be: "It's not that deep, keep going".

Meditation would advise me to train my gaze up to my inner eye and let intuition guide me. The key wisdom here is that instead of assigning thoughts and judgments towards feelings, suppressing or distracting them, I should just stay with the sensation until it passes..

...yeah...I'm working on that...almost there, promise. But hear me out "Are you going to kill yourself?" is just so much funnier though. Maybe I'm a sick fuck (Definitely am a sick fuck), but it really throws my previous woes into perspective. I was soooo wounded and I'm just not anymore. I stopped hiding and now feel a little sheepish.

Anyway, I'm packing up to go back to San Diego tomorrow. Books were read, meditations were practiced, and therapy felt good. My body is hydrated, moisturized, and exercised. Several loads of clean laundry are ready to be packed.

I did break down and order a bunch of new shit. BUT giving oneself a little treat for overcoming crippling depression with basic behavioral training requires positive, capitalist enforcement now and again.

Coming for you, 2024. Let's get them miles in.

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tolstoys · 11 months

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It's been about 5yrs since I've done any real journaling here but I'm going to try to start again because it's important for my emotional wellness and because I want to start tracking my goals and life changes. I'm also going to start journaling my dreams again.

The last month of my life has been transformative for me. I've come to understand my attachment style and what that means and how to heal it and I've also come to an understanding of self love and how to execute it that I've never had before. I have made huge strides in changing my self concept and in taking better care of myself and enacting better habits. I am seeing myself as the person that I want to be and doing what I think she would be doing, and this is how I will become her.

Learning how to take care of myself has been a process and it's required a lot of grace for the past versions of me that were expected to know and never really taught. I'm working on self-parenting and viewing everything through the lens of how I would take care of my child and how I would treat my child rather than myself and I can see now that how things were before was unacceptable. I deserve better and I'm going to give myself better.

The 7 pillars of self care are:

Knowledge & Health Literacy

Mental Wellbeing

Physical Activity

Healthy Eating

Risk avoidance or mitigation Environment

Good hygiene

Rational and responsible use of self-care products & services Recreational / Social

I've been keeping up with regular doctor visits but I need to make an appt with my physician to get bloodwork done in order to have a hormone panel. I've been on depo every 11wks for over a decade and I'm not sure if I've ever had a hormone panel done so definitely need to do that. I also need to ask for scripts for my skincare things because I'm always breaking out.

I've been keeping up with therapy and I've followed a ton of psychologists and life coaches on youtube who were the catalyst for removing these psychological blockages I had by showing me what they were, how they were related, and how to heal them. Right now I'm focusing on healing my anxious attachment style, learning self love (including eliminating negative self talk and self punishing habits), and unlearning codependency. I am doing this through therapy, videos on youtube, and also a ton of books. I'm really trying to get back into reading.

I have been engaging in some form exercise nearly every day for a month now. I also accept doing strenuous chores as a form of exercise and part of my transformation has been overcoming physical pain and exhaustion in order to care for myself, largely by trying to provide a clean and happy living space, which has a lot to do with pillar 5. I have been reorganizing / paring down / and deep cleaning my house section by section and then this week I actually borrowed cleaning supplies from my dad and washed nearly the entire exterior of my home, which was extremely challenging to do. The goal is to do a little bit every day or almost every day, to build strength and endurance through this, and a healthy clean environment to live in. It's tough though because living with 2 dogs and a cat in a tiny home means it's kind of always dirty no matter how much I clean. But what matters is that I keep going and keep trying.

Skipping back a pillar, I have implemented a keto pescatarian diet and I'm working on keeping calories between 1200-1300/day with my macros at 100g of fat and 75g of protein. I started a food and exercise blog to track this daily. This is a challenge because prior to this journey I had no earthly idea how many calories were in anything, but I'm working really hard to figure it all out because I know I can and I want to feel better and have more energy and focus and also be earth shatteringly hot again.

Part of changing my self concept and increasing my physical activity and cleaning all the time has necessitated a lot of hygiene changes in my life. It's embarrassing to talk about but my eating and hygiene have always taken a backseat when I'm depressed or stressed and so making these things a priority has been a huge part of my transformation. I think once my dr takes a look at my hormones and I can get my skin under control, these will also make a huge difference.

Despite a ton of stress ongoing for 16+ weeks now regarding my job situation, I'm handling things really well and I'm making a strong commitment to self care before anything else. I've been doing really well with managing my anxiety and self-regulating my emotions. I've even started dating somebody, which is going really well and has been extraordinarily different than any other romantic relationship I've ever had. So that's good. I'm out here breaking patterns, altering behaviors, introducing good habits, and reframing my perspective.

#diary

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starkytower · 1 year

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Its Neverafter finale day and I just need to get these thoughts written down before I sit down to watch the finale. For context, I don’t normally watch actual plays. I’ve played maybe 3 sessions of D&D like 10 years ago. I started watching this show to try to find something that could help me engage with my husband’s love of the game. I got so much more than I bargained for.

I lost my grandfather during lockdown and am in the process of losing my grandmother to cancer. I have been stuck in a grief cycle for almost 2 years and have been fighting to come to terms with it all with little to no progress to the point that I had avoided seeing my grandmother of months, even though I know the time I have left is precious. Nothing - not therapy, journalling, grief seminars, self-help books, long cry sessions - nothing has helped me find acceptance and make meaning out of these losses and what it all means to me more than this D&D game and little Ylfa Snorggelson.

Like Ylfa, this was my first experience with true grief and I for the longest time just wanted that feeling gone - I wanted to go back to “normal,” and I didn’t want to accept that grief was now a permanent part of me. Through Ylfa, I’ve learned to stop fearing my feelings of grief and to look death in the face as an equal - to listen to what it has to say, to take what it’s offering me and to see it as a friend that wants good things for me.

I learned that that feeling of grief doesn’t have to only be the memory of the terror of losing my grandparents - in another version of my story, my grief goes by my grandpa’s name and it has my grandmother’s face and it wants me to live. That there can be no change nor growth without death. That that being that is death loves like my grandparents love me, and what that being wants for me is to transform and to become.

I’ve learned that by facing what death is offering me and consuming that gift and welcoming that gift into myself that I am indeed transformed - in the same way that my grandparents were who they were because at some point in their lives they also consumed the wolf’s gifts and were themselves transformed.

And the whole experience of encountering death is horrific and terribly sad but I’m finding that if I sit with my grief, it is also tremendously kind and loving and that by accepting that grief and love, I am finding a strength and freedom I didn’t know were within me.

Accepting the transformation requires me to let go of who I was before and will form me into a braver, more honest version of myself. A version whose red cloak of ignorance and innocence will be covered by the love of death’s mantle, the way my grandma and grandpa wore before me and the way my grandkids will one day wear too.

And if I am brave enough to look into death’s eyes, I’ll see a little girl that looks like my grandma but it looks like me too, and one day I’ll meet it on the path as well. When I do, I’ll be guided by the coming of the grandkids of my grandkids who will soon be making their way into the forest themselves, but until then, there are more blank pages ahead for me.

Last week I was brave enough to see my grandma again. We played cards and made a pot roast. Next week, I’m going back to do some embroidery with her. I don’t know that I would have been able to do that without this story. Someone pass along my deepest gratitude to Emily and Brennan and everyone at that table and behind the dome for sharing it and caring enough to engage with the topics of grief and death with curiosity, vulnerability, and honesty.

#neverafter spoilers #neverafter #d20 neverafter #ylfa snorgelsson #d20 nva #d20 spoilers #tw: grief #tw: grieving #tw: death #d20 big bad wolf

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deansmultitudes · 1 year

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What was the point of prequel? I know jackles is a j*hn apologist but this didn't even redeem j*hn lol like its just a show about some strangers? It's not even a prequel since it happens after finale and does nothing to change show timeline. It just made Dean look infinitely more pathetic. Like dude is dead yet can't stop obsessing over his abusive father. Made me feel worse than spn finale which is a feat in itself.

The point? Money and ego.

Within the show, it set up the au versions of john and mary and this whole au verse for thompson to play around in.

And thus making more money and bigger ego boost for JA lol if this crap for some godforsaken reason gets picked up for season 2.

This is all it comes down to, it has no other value. From now on it'll have nothing to do with Dean or his universe. Thompson said the voiceover will be coming from Dean's journal that he gave them. Funnily spnwinnies expect it to become a show about dean's travels through the multiverse lmao as if he wasn't told by jack he's coming back to heaven, like the show wasn't from the beginning about J&M and like they can't read what thompson is saying lmao.

Other than that, no there was no point. Nothing has changed, the show turned out to be some random john and mary among millions of other john and marys. It's like if he made a show about huntercorp sam and dean except they at least were entertaining AND they did have an impact on the "main" universe and the og sam and dean's lives, somewhat. (hell who knows maybe that's the same verse and the therapy!john will start the huntercorp lol)

Frankly, the world that's all squirrels is higher on the fun list than this one lol.

So basically JA could have just made a show "Anventures of ALT!John and Mary" about this universe where Henry's letter just happened to land in John's hands, since there was no reason whatsoever for it not to land in his hands without Dean's interference. This verse has already had so many differences in it like john and mary not hating each other when they met. There was no fucking need to drag Dean into it. And then they wouldn't have needed the deus ex machina jack (which thompson literally admitted they needed LMAO? If you need a deus ex machina in a 13 episode show, that's not a fucking bragging point for a writer dude, maybe you need a career change).

(I should put a readmore here, sorry it got so long lol)

Like, thompson's talking about this season opening a whole wide supernatural universe... but this universe means nothing. It's not our SPN universe! It's not Dean's! If in the future JA does do that reboot he keeps talking about (and it's actually a reboot not JA the big showbiz guy not knowing the proper terms for his medium) those won't be our Sam and Dean. Funny how the fandom hates the concept of AW!Bobby and AW!Charlie but this crap they're eating up like it's chocolate not a turd (some of them that is). Wanna bet that if they reboot it into young sam and dean show, JA will play john? You know, the way Bill Murray played the skeptic guy in Ghostbusters 2016.

Pathetically, this is one of the least bad solutions, because if ja actually had dean mess with his own timeline, he would have literally entirely erased Dean's existence, and all the events of the "mothership". Which, you know, with his ego he actually might have. So I guess we should count our blessings.

Which doesn't change a fact that he turned dean into an obsessed stalker. Just like you put it: a pathetic, dead dude who can't stop obsessing over his abusive father. That is NOT where Dean was mentally at the end of SPN. That is not where he had been for years before that. It's sad and disgusting and it's not who my Dean was. At least with the 40years long drive you could tell yourself the heaven timey-wimey made it last a few hours not years. Like this, you know he's purposefully following john after john after john after john channeling britney's Born to make you happy.

And by the way since the akrida was unleashed by chuck after he failed then Dean's line of "[ultimate killer] that's not who I am" aka one of the most important lines of the show was a mistake. He should have remained a killer, dad's little soldier. And well, look, he did. Almost getting kicked out of heaven (into where? hell? the empty? oh em gee d*stiel empty reunion and existence foreva and eva in the nothingness?) to make john happy.

And yeah lol, he didn't redeem John. But he's given this version of him everything Dean can never have (including Dean's favorite song that cost the whole TW budget lol). And given how weird an attitude this show and thompson have about alternate universes (like Dean was looking for his family in the alternate universes HOW?? What was he gonna pop up to a random version of X characters and be like hi! I'm Dean, you're my family now????????? And the whole giving john and mary a happy ending, like, it means nothing for Dean's world or himself. His parents still were through shit and are still terrible parents. And also opening spn universe, which this isn't? Like, I don't get what their weird view on alternate universes is lol?) maybe they do think it's redeeming.

He did however succeed at blorboification of John. Now john has fangirls that aren't the few weird john apologists who'd you see in passing once in a blue moon. Now it's their boy john, their little blorbo, their poor little meow meow and boyfriend goals.

I'm so sorry you feel that way :( It's so fucking insidious for JA to do this. But we've known for two years (heck, more with his earlier comments about how "awesome" and "satifying" spn finale would be) that he doesn't give a shit about how miserably Dean's life ended. He fucking loved it. He keeps praising it every chance he gets. The only reason he had a problem with accepting dean's death (for one week lol) after he found out is that he thought he would not be able to get back to him and make more money off him. He didn't actually care that Dean didn't get to live, just that he thought he couldn't play him anymore. Hell even when he said Dean's biggest mistake was landing on the rebar it was bc if he didn't there'd be 6 more seasons! or whatever (as if he wasn't the one who wanted to end the show. Does he think a tv series can just end then resume at his personal whim??) For him it wasn't because Dean died young and didn't get to live the life he fought for. It was about himself. And he's shown it multiple times too! Every time since he's made Dean's birthday all about himself. Last year with *his own pictures* on insta and talking about himself (young and brooding/older and happier??? That's not a description of Dean) and this year with that fucking cringe birthday party for J*nsen with J*nsen blowing out the candles. They literally sang happy birthday to J*nsen on Dean's birthday. So fucked up.

Anyway, for me this episode feels like JA stabbed my barely scabbed-over finale wound with a butter knife, opened it up and salted it. And the fact now the people who were hurting about Dean's death too, now are fucking rejoicing same way S/am girls have been since the finale adds even more insult to the injury. Like thanks, I've heard enough over those 2+ years how I'm an idiot for not understanding the show because I should be totally happy that Dean is dead, and now to hear the same from what I thought was the same side of the fence? Never thought I'd see the day where who I thought was dean girls reiterate b*bros' words because they ate up JA's b*bro agenda.

For what it's worth, this show isn't SPN canon, it's a separate show that has barely any connection to SPN. So probably best course of action is to refuse to accept it as anything other than bad fanfiction that got unfortunately televized. And I hate that due to the spn finale being what it was, there is no comfort there to go back to, but I guess we've managed to live with that for over two years now, we gotta keep going and hope that this failure gets cancelled and that no one ever picks up any more of ja's shit ideas.

We really didn't appreciate how the SPN writers would ignore JA's ideas for Dean and file them away as "actor bullshit" lol

Oh and remember, in about 35 years this earth will get fried and taken over by lucifer or michael like the AW because if these J&M don't raise Sam and Dean to be the hunters who will save the world (IF they're even born at all and are the same people), there will be no one to save it from the apocalypse that is still happening whether they shoot Azazel or not, since he was a small part of the plan that's in motion anyway. The very fact that J&M exist in this verse is because of the millenia of matchmaking programme :)

#anonymous #answered #ask #the j*hn show #'I got him' you don't got shit #or maybe you do got shit and you're confusing it for dean since you treat him like you'd treat shit lol

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whythewords · 1 year

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Just plain hitting the ground.

My sleep has been all fucked up. I don't know if it's still jet-lag recovery, I think I'm well past that stage. I think this is just general sleep shittiness. Sleep shttiness of my own making, really. For the past few nights I've been falling asleep watching a show or playing a game or editing a travel journal video from my trip and each time I realize I'm falling asleep, I get angry with myself, slap myself awake and then press on. Literally did it moments ago while watching TV, and now I think my body is probably pretty pissed off at me.

The trip was incredible. Truly everything I hoped it would be and more. All that shit in my last post about being "reborn" though...yeah sure, maybe when I got there. Maybe it was a different version of me exploring the streets of Osaka and shakily testing out my limited Japanese on the locals at an open mic. Maybe a different Joe was out there tossing back whiskey sodas with some local folks and some fellow travellers in Tokyo's entertainment district, and drunkenly walking an hour back to the hotel in the middle of the night with a big, goofy smile on my face. But I did not return a changed man, aside from the fact that I am now a man who went to, fell in love with, and vows to someday return to Japan.

Being back home has been kinda rough. I'm usually the first to get homesick on a long trip, and while I thought I was feeling it a little bit on my last day in Tokyo, all of it dissipated shortly after leaving the airport in Toronto and knowing I was resuming a work very much in progress. With school done, there's no more structure to keep my habits in check. Since returning, I've tried to resume a proper workout schedule, to eat better, to sleep better, to use my time better. I haven't been successful in all of those endeavours. I've found myself resuming that familiar zombie state of scrolling endlessly through social media on my phone, and doing that way too much. The mild thrill of the dating apps has become considerably less thrilling and hell of a lot more mild. "Who's going to want an incomplete person?" I keep telling myself.

The solution to this, of course, is to finish the project I've been working on. This long-standing upgraded version of "Joe 2.0, now with new career and a healthier lifestyle!" is still very much a work in progress. I started applying for jobs again. I think part of me was hoping I could skate by on the promise of the city job after speaking to my manager from my co-op terms and getting a promise that he would reach out soon. He hasn't. And truthfully I don't even think I want that role. Something different may be in fact the kick in the ass I deserve, and the challenge I need.

It hasn't been all bad. I've made some headway. But I'm still hung up on old shit. Old habits, old relationships. I don't know if I can pinpoint one thing that's setting off the chain reaction to cause the absolute worst culprit of this weird, dark funk I've found myself in: the poor use of time. It's despicable. Now I have too much of it and I'm using a lot of it to veg. I was meant to hit the ground running when school was over. "I'll finish up, I'll head to Japan, and I'll hit the ground running as soon as I get back." That's what I kept telling myself. That's what I kept telling other people! I was meant to hit the ground running but ended up just plain hitting the ground. There's probably a lyric in there somewhere.

Anyway, something that I have often resolved to do at times like these (but never actually followed through with) is to fire up Excel and plan out my days. A little schedule to devote x amount of hours to this, y amount of hours to that. Maybe I'll try that. Maybe it'll help. Maybe another therapy session. Maybe there's something more wrong with me. I thought about that one quite a bit today...how extremely, incredibly privileged I am to have been able to go on the trip of a lifetime that I planned almost every single part of...and to come back and have the audacity to be fucking sad. Is that normal?

Well, if anything it's a sign that I'm going to have to try a different approach to this whole self-improvement thing. The end goal is the same as it's always been. Find a job, save some money, move the fuck out of this apartment, find love. Those are some lofty fucking goals. But they're all doable, I think. They're all I really should be focused on.

Time to hit the ground again but actually fucking run this time.

Wish me luck.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

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