#but lancelot knows and lancelot never makes him feel like he shouldn't use it

[queer-ragnelle]

is there any text or tumblr post that dives into the ways in which sir lancelot is insane? like a freak? i’ve read a couple extracts ab him giving the idea that he was effed up a bit and like a whole murderbot with raging feelings of hatred and love? i would like to know more ab the crazy things he does or says that make ppl go “this man is a freakazoid”. also i adore your blog thank you for making sumn this nice!

hi there!

i'm unsure if you mean excerpts from medieval sources in which lancelot is "mad" or academic articles dissecting those instances...but i have both for you lol now a disclaimer: i'm neither a medievalist nor a psychologist, so all i can offer you is the raw material and my opinion. while we shouldn't "diagnose" anyone of the past as we do now, lancelot isn't a real person, so i think that affords us a little more freedom to speculate about him, and more importantly, what it is he represented: a medieval anxiety surrounding trauma and the resulting mental toll. info and sources below a cut. huge content warning for self harm and suicidal ideation.

Academic Sources: Medieval Attitudes Towards Mental Illness by Edith A. Wright, Of Metal and Men by Julie Singer, The Enemy Inside by Brian Burfield

Medieval Sources: The Knight of The Cart by Chréiten de Troyes, The Vulgate Cycle edited by Norris J. Lacy

so for starters, let's establish what it is people are responding to when they discuss lancelot's mental instability. the character first appears in "the knight of the cart" by chrétien de troyes, and right from the getgo, lancelot exhibits a lot of mental distress, up to and including, a suicide attempt.

from his inception, lancelot was unwell. at another point, he appears to disassociate so completely, he forgets his own identity, and loses perception of his body.

now you may have noticed that the text always links lancelot's episodes to his fixation on guinevere. we'd be here forever if we incorporated the way medieval authors offset the blame of their protagonists' deteriorating mental states onto the fault of a woman (see also: yvain/owain's madness when laudine/countess divorced him, tristan's madness out of longing for isolde, etc.) whereas when a woman shows upset, it's never attributed to her lover, but a shortcoming within herself. so for the sake of staying on topic, we'll focus on lancelot's symptoms as they are, rather than trying to unravel the middle ages-sized knot of misogyny that is the fictitious root of these madness episodes. "medieval attitudes towards mental illness" by edith a. wright discusses this trend in depth.

i'm going to be focusing on "the vulgate cycle" as my main source of lancelot's madness as he has multiple distinct episodes in that text written in excruciating detail that we can discuss. generally speaking, lancelot is presented as an extremely anxious individual that's highly susceptible to outside influence (whether that be guinevere's, galehaut's, etc.) but that in and of itself is not necessarily indicative of mental illness so much as a rarely explored introverted quirk of his personality. as discussed in "of metal and men" by julie singer, it seems lancelot's at his most confident when operating as an anonymous knight and therefore not subject to the scrutiny of societal expectation.

this, however, can develop in extreme ways when lancelot is pushed past his limits, and he succumbs to a berserker-like state neither his friends nor family can shake him from. while imprisoned at saxon rock, lancelot has to be segregated from the other prisoners, despite galehaut begging to be housed with him, the jailers refuse as lancelot's psychosis is so intense that he'd kill his fellow hostages and thus neutralize the enemy army's advantage. lancelot's refusal to eat exacerbates his symptoms. [Lancelot Part II, Ch. 71. Lancelot’s Madness and Cure; Defeat of the Saxons and Irish; Lancelot, Galehaut, and Hector Become Companions of the Round Table]

this psychotic episode continues even after lancelot is freed. eventually guinevere is forced to lock him alone in a room to protect the others, as he continues to attack anyone who comes near, including his own younger cousin and squire lionel who had attempted to talk him down and was struck. lancelot only recovers after his adoptive mother, the lady of the lake, arrives and utilizes strikingly modern de-escalation techniques, such as referring to lancelot by his childhood name to ground him, administering some medicine to help him sleep, allowing him uninterrupted rest, and then bathing him. (this is tinged with medieval mysticism, of course, but you get the idea.) the lady of the lake then instructs guinevere on how to care for him thereafter. once lancelot awakens from his magic/healing-induced coma, his sanity is restored.

it feels important to note here that, once lancelot regains his senses, he feels ashamed of his behavior, and worries that his mental instability would cause guinevere to love him less. but she assures him that she loves him and is committed as long as they both live. even in medieval times, people recognized that a strong support system was of utmost importance for the mentally ill to thrive.

lancelot is, for the most part, stable for a time after this, contented to live at sorealis with galehaut (and guinevere for a bit as well). but growing restless, lancelot leaves galehaut's company to go adventuring. through some misunderstanding, galehaut believes lancelot had died, and thus dies of heartbreak himself. on discovery of his beloved's tomb, lancelot grieves so bitterly that he intends to kill himself on the spot. [Lancelot Part IV, Ch. 120. Lancelot Discovers Galehaut’s Casket and Defends It; Lancelot Rescues Meleagant’s Sister]

it's here that a messenger of the lady of the lake arrives. the lady had been informed by her oracle that this would happen, so acting quickly, she sent someone to intervene. the messenger takes the sword from lancelot and immediately gives him a task, one that would exhume galehaut and bring his body to where lancelot would eventually be buried beside him. in the short term, this prevented lancelot from harming himself, and in the long term, guided him toward shifting gears long enough that he eventually overcomes his grief through completion of his lady's instruction.

the next time lancelot is driven mad is after he is beguiled by elaine of corbenic into bed with her at camelot. (this is the second time, galahad had already been conceived). [Lancelot Part VI, Ch. 176 Lancelot and Arthur Go to Gaul; Claudas Abandons Gaunes; King Pelles’s Daughter Deceives Lancelot; Guenevere Expels Lancelot]

at this point, lancelot is beyond the reach of even his mother, the lady of the lake, so this psychotic episode persists for many years. he's declared missing and all of the knights set out in search of him, to no avail, and he is assumed dead. lancelot, meanwhile, survives the winter by attacking people and stealing their resources. [Lancelot Part VI, Ch. 178 Lancelot’s Madness and Subsequent Cure]

eventually, while lancelot is subdued in a deep sleep, a pair of charitable brother knights, recognizing that lancelot is unable to care for himself and a danger to those around him, successfully transport him to their castle. they don't know who he is. they keep him chained for safety but feed and clothe him. during this time, lancelot mutilates himself to be free.

eventually, lancelot is calm enough to be freed from his bindings, and lives with the brothers in this way for two years. he eats little and completely loses touch with his identity and the reality of the world around him.

but one day, lancelot looks out his tower window and sees a passing boar. he's compelled to follow it and departs the castle of the brothers without a word. he ends up in a battle with the boar which he barely survives. a holy man happens upon him and tries to administer healing, but lancelot attacks him.

after this the holy man flees and enlists the help of some men-at-arms, who assist in capturing lancelot and forcibly strapping him to a litter to be drawn away. ultimately, despite the best intentions, lancelot's condition only worsens.

i'm going to make a brief aside here as this reminds me of an article i read detailing a similar situation which occurred in real life. in "the enemy inside" by brian burfield, john of ancaster suffered mental distress as a result of the war in france, subsequently inflicting harm on himself and others. in this case, it was his father that restrained him into a horse-drawn cart, and brought him to a place of healing which was revolutionary of the time period, as friar bartholomeus recognized the connection between trauma and mental distress without attributing it to demonic possession, thus attracting many people in need of help to his monastery for treatment. so there is, at least in part, historical precedence of similar occurrences.

anyway, back to lancelot. he eventually flees from his intended caretakers yet again and wanders to the town of corbenic. there the children recognize his madness and begin to harass him, throwing stones and sticks, until he's incited to retaliate and wounds anyone who crosses him. eventually he wanders into the castle itself. the courtlings recognize he's mad, and feed him scraps. satiated, he literally curls up and sleeps on the floor like a dog. it's this, at last, that allows him to begin the slow recovery to wellness.

finally, after all these years, someone recognizes lancelot for who he is. none other than elaine of corbenic.

she tells her father pelles and he concocts a plan to capture and cure lancelot using the power of the holy grail. so as the times before, they wait until lancelot falls asleep, and bind him up. then at long last, his senses are restored.

when lancelot awakens from his stupor, he knows not how he got there, but begins walking upright and talking coherently again. he implores pelles to explain how he came there. once up to speed. lancelot is grateful no one but pelles and elaine recognized him. now let it be made clear that while lancelot's psychotic episode had finally concluded, he's not otherwise alleviated of mental anguish. he's still depressed about his banishment from logres and camelot, and deeply ashamed of his many years spent mad. thus he requests of pelles to live somewhere far away, where no one but pelles and elaine will ever recognize him.

so an island with a castle is located on which lancelot can live and he, together with elaine and a small court, go there to stay. lancelot loses his knightly abilities and instead takes up the daily ritual of subjecting himself to painful memories of logres, which then in turn bring him "relief" and "comfort". an apt description of rumination and self harm.

eventually, lancelot sends a secret message back to the land of logres intended to entice people to the island to fight him so he can relive the glory days.

in the end, it's lancelot's own half brother hector along with young and newly knighted perceval who find lancelot on the isle of joy. hector tells lancelot that the queen summons him, and lancelot immediately prepares to leave. on hearing this, galahad tells his grandfather he'll go and lodge in the abbey run by his great aunt, so that he might be nearer to his father. [Lancelot Part VI, Ch. 179 Hector and Perceval Find Lancelot, and They All Return to Camelot; Galahad’s Arrival Is Announced]

and with that, lancelot reenters society with his brother and son, which kicks off the grail quest in the subsequent book. that's a lot of info and reading, but all this to say that yeah, lancelot is known for his mental instability, to say the least. thanks for the ask!

#arthurian legend #arthurian legends #arthuriana #arthurian mythology #sir lancelot #lancelot #mental illness #ask #anonymous #my post

[drconstellation]

Monkey Business with Furfur

This is a 2024 Smut War meta

(NSFW? I tried to keep it reasonably clean, just filled with innuendo.)

Time to dig up some dirty dirt from before the Fall.

Memory problems? Oh, Hell no! There was no way Crowley was going admit to remembering this bit of history between him and Furfur, especially not in front of Aziraphale.

On the surface this incident with Furfur in the dressing room at the Windmill Theater adds weight to the appearance that Crowley has holes in his memory, just like Gabriel does during S2. But a closer look at the language being used during the post-magic show scene actually reveals quite the opposite - something that is - well, I shouldn't say totally unexpected because I've written about it tangentially before - but something that I think will shake up the way we view things between the three of them.

Firstly, lets review what I call the sub-story theme running underneath this section of the episode: King Arthur and Camelot. I talked about it length in my meta Once and Future Royalty. Here's the important paragraphs from that work for this particular meta:

Yes, poor old Furfur. Two's company, three's a crowd, as they say. Now we know we're in Camelot, we need to be reminded of the central tragedy of the Arthurian story, that ultimately led to the golden kingdom's fall. Lady Guinevere, Arthur's queen, famously loved Sir Lancelot, and the two were passionate lovers. It was essentially a love-triangle at the top, with Arthur being jilted, but he wouldn't/couldn't discard his queen. Where do we see this playing out in 1941? Furfur, pleased with himself for catching an angel and a demon in the act of consorting together (with the help of the zombies,) barges into the backstage dressing room, and confronts the lovers with their crime. But who is playing who in the Arthurian love triangle? I would say Furfur is clearly caught in the role of Arthur here. Consider the following exchange:

[See GIFs at top - I will quote relevant script shortly in detail]

Furfur claims a past intimate relationship with Crowley, which Crowley spurns offhandedly. Crowley is playing Guinevere here, jilting Furfur/Arthur, which leaves the demon-smiting Aziraphale standing in for the handsome hero Lancelot (with his French connections, no less), and doesn't he make us weak at the knees when he drops his voice an octave in dominating disgust. (Is it suddenly getting hot in here...?Phew!)

Recently someone posted more images of Furfur's costume, and the sash was shown reversed, where a red crown can clearly be seen under the stag's head, which to me just adds weight to the Furfur=Arthur role.

Next we need to take another look at this line from Furfur:

FURFUR: I was right next to you. We did loads together. You used to jump on me back, little monkey in the waistcoat.

Everyone took this too literally.

Really.

I mean really really.

There are two things - ok, three things - this set of lines tells us.

The first is the most obvious and likely the surface impression - maybe Crowley did turn himself into a monkey. But this is a misdirection to the real information here, so forget that. Put it to one side for the moment, at least.

Secondly, Furfur had a "monkey on his back."

We see by this turn of phrase that he was burdened by a problem, or something he couldn't let go of, and in this situation it clearly looks like a long held bitter feeling towards Crowley and his apparent freedom on Earth.

CROWLEY: Oh, we shan't, this is ridiculous. [leans back and puts hat over his face] FURFUR: No, what's ridiculous is demons like you doing what they please. And somehow still getting on, while demons like me graft for hundreds and hundreds of millennia and never get a sniff of a promotion! Well, not this time. Expect a Legion to come for you first thing tomorrow. Enjoy your last night on Earth.

Thirdly, the whole thing indicates there is a past history of "monkey business" between Furfur and Crowley, before the Fall. This is further emphasized by Furfur's greeting on arrival:

FURFUR: Hmm, well, well, well... What have we here? AZIRAPHALE: Sorry, have we met? FURFUR: Oh, no, you never had the pleasure, but... we have, haven't we? CROWLEY: Have we?

Ohhhh, Crowley. o_0 No, no, no, no, nooooooo..........

Can you see it? Can you see why he would deny knowing Furfur? That they did "loads together?"

Do you know what "monkey business" is an alternative phrase for?

Remember the Arthur/Guinevere/Lancelot love triangle?

Do you think Crowley is going to admit this in front of his angel?

Uh huh.

Really. Really really.

An "unreliable narrator" indeed.

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens meta #crowley #aziraphale #furfur #good omens 1941 #1941 minisode #good omens after dark #goad #smut war #ineffable smut war #monkey business #monkey on your back #king arthur #camelot #you'll never look at that scene the same way again #bring on 1941 part III

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Be Nice

Read on Ao3

Warnings: bullying, teasing, even though they don't mean it.

Pairings: merthur

Word Count: 6181

It shouldn't be a surprise, really, if the knights think punching each other in the arm is a viable and efficient way of cheering each other up, that they also think insulting each other is a perfectly good way to show affection. Insults are compliments, threats are reassurances, and actual bodily harm is considered good manners or at the very least the mark of genuine companionship. Basically, take everything Merlin's ever been taught about how you actually treat the people you care about and flip it on its head, because stars know that if any one of these men actually behave as though being nice won't incinerate them, the world will actually end.

Alright, maybe he's being a bit harsh.

But he's had a long few days saving the entirety of Camelot all by his-own-bloody-self, he's entitled to throw a bit of a fit when he gets shoved too harshly into the side of the stable under the guise of 'friendly greetings.' And it's not like the knights are doing it on purpose—except when they are, which they absolutely do, they have days where it seems like they all passed around a note that says today's one of those days, boys, make Merlin's life a living hell for no reason other than our enjoyment! He swears he's going to invent some kind of spell that lets him know when those days are so he can sit himself in Gaius's chambers and just stay there for all eternity. Or at least until they shake themselves out of it.

And fine, it's not as though he's never known softer kindness from them. Percival shoves and claps and punches, but he's also helped Merlin with the heavier chores and—not that Merlin would ever admit this—carried him when he's overexerted himself to somewhere safer. Elyan is an older brother, and older bother if he commiserates with Gwen, but he's not all bad when he's being protective or complimentary. Gwaine is…Gwaine, which means he commits himself wholeheartedly to whatever he's doing, be that teasing Merlin until his face is about to explode or making sure he's calming down when something really bad happens. Lancelot—listen, the main problem with Lancelot is that he keeps making this sly little face that's all you could stop us, Merlin, you could, but will you? As if he doesn't know damn well that it would go very badly if he actually did do anything. Leon is secretly a menace because he sees everything. And Arthur…

Well. Arthur's Arthur.

Look, the point is that Merlin knows he's being dramatic sometimes, really, he's self-aware enough to admit it, but sometimes…

Sometimes it feels like he's not being dramatic enough.

It's definitely one of those days. One of those days where he walks down to the courtyard with Arthur and all the knights are grinning up at them and he knows, he just knows that today he's going to be teased and pushed around and have pranks and jokes played on him every chance they get. Admittedly, with the amount of courtly stress the kingdom has been under, it's the same reason why they're going on this hunt in the first place; to give them all a break from the pressures of being in the citadel, to let them actually have a chance to relax without worrying about courtesy or diplomacy or any of that nonsense. It makes sense, Merlin's oddly grateful for the chance they have…

He just wishes he weren't about to be the chew toy for it, you see?

It starts almost as soon as they leave the walls of the city behind.

"Merlin," Gwaine calls and Merlin's shoulders immediately tense, "when's the last time you actually caught something on one of these?"

No. No, absolutely not. I am not engaging. "The last hunt we went on was three months ago."

"That's not what he asked," Percival says—oh, he's also starting early, "he asked when you caught something."

"Does a cold count?" Elyan asks and the knights start laughing. Merlin just adjusts his reins and his horse nickers.

"Come on," Gwaine cajoles when the first wave of laughter dies down, "do you want us to show you how it's done?"

"I've tried teaching him since he first arrived," Arthur calls out, "he's utterly useless at it. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was forgetting everything on purpose."

"Well, with how much he has to remember to keep Princess satisfied, then—" Gwaine grins— "maybe it's a good thing he doesn't know how to hunt."

What does that even mean?

"Don't worry, Merlin," Elyan says with false sympathy as he brings his horse alongside, "we didn't bring you out here because you're good at hunting."

"That's right," Percival agrees, "best thing you can use on a fine hunt is a fine flush hound."

Despite all his instincts that tell him not to feed whatever mood they're in, his curiosity takes over. "What's a flush hound?"

He hears Arthur groan and Elyan snorts, and oddly enough, it's Leon who clears his throat and says: "A flush hound pushes the game out into the open where the hunters can see it."

He opens his mouth to ask why exactly he would be good at that when his horse steps on a rock wrong and he nearly falls off as he crashes into a nearby tree branch, making a wild grab for the saddle as a chorus of birds take off screeching into the sky. A lurch in his stomach and a mortifying yelp accompany the guffawing and cackling of the knights as his horse struggles to right itself and he emerges from the tangle of twigs and leaves with scratches all the way down his cheeks and arms.

"See," Gwaine crows triumphantly, "where else are we going to find a natural talent like that?"

Merlin ducks his head under the guise of making sure his horse is alright, running his hand over her face and neck that he can reach. Her mane rubs coarsely against his fingertips as he tries to swallow the pang of hurt as they keep laughing. His horse nickers back a moment later and he makes himself sit upright.

"Well, then if I'm so good at it," he says, "then it's a wonder you've not had much success over the last few hunts."

"Don't be so sure of yourself," and suddenly there's the familiar condescending voice from Arthur, "just because you've got some natural talent doesn't mean you don't have room for improvement."

"After all, it's as much about making sure you're in the right place as it is about making a fool of yourself."

"And we all know you're excellent at that."

And they're laughing again. Merlin's hands tighten on the reins. Is it just him, or are their barbs a little extra pointed today? Has he done something recently? He doesn't think so; he's just been, oh, saving the kingdom, like usual. Half out of reflex, half out of desperation, he glances over at Lancelot.

Come on, just—give me something. Say something, make a joke at one of them instead.

But no, Lancelot smiles wider and motions for him to turn around. Merlin does—

And almost runs face-first into another tree branch that Arthur 'happened' to pull back to swing in Merlin's direction. He just manages to dodge it, only receiving another swipe to the cheek.

"Careful," Arthur fake-scolds, "I know you're eager to show off, Merlin, but there's a time and a place. Don't know if you remember that about hunting."

"Maybe running into all those tree branches makes it difficult," Elyan suggests, and yes, there they go, laughing again.

It's not that funny.

Luckily or unluckily for Merlin, he's not quite sure which, they actually do find some game to hunt. Or rather, they find something they think they can hunt, and they start to actually behave like men who are on a hunt, not young and rude boys out to poke fun at someone who's supposed to be their friend. Grateful for the reprieve, Merlin quietly steers his horse to the back of the group, where him and his loud, rambunctious self won't be a distraction. Leon passes him one of the spare saddlebags and the reins of his horse, silently sliding off and into a crouched stance. Merlin fastens the reins to his saddle and lets the other horse draw up alongside, patting its neck.

But perhaps he's spoken too soon about them behaving like men rather than boys, because as soon as all the other knights see Leon doing the cool thing of hunting on foot rather than on horseback, they all immediately slide off their horses and start leading them towards Merlin, who is still on a horse and very much does not have the capability to suddenly be in charge of several horses.

"What are you—"

"Shut up, Merlin," Arthur hisses, frowning at him until he slides off his horse too, "now stay here and stay quiet. Now's not the time for you to be flushing anything."

"Don't pout," Gwaine says when Merlin opens his mouth to protest very reasonably, thank you, he is not pouting, "I'm sure you'll get your chance soon enough."

"They're close," Elyan whispers before Merlin can ask just how, exactly, he's supposed to keep all the horses organized and follow them and keep quiet all at once, "I can hear about…three sets of footsteps."

"Deer?"

"Most likely."

"We'll have venison for dinner, then."

Merlin's heart sinks when he realizes just how long of an evening this is going to be.

He gives up fairly quickly—alright, immediately on staying with them. Instead, he and the horses make a very suitable area for themselves in one of the larger clearings. He loosens their saddles and takes the bits from their mouths so they can have a bite to eat. He makes sure to check his horse's hoof; that rock must've hurt quite a bit, better to make sure it isn't stuck in there, after all. The leaves rustle cheerily overhead as a gust of wind blows through. The scent of fresh, clean water comes with it—there must be a river of some sorts nearby. That might be nice for them, some fresh water to drink. Best not stray too far from here, though, not when who knows where the 'hunters' are eventually going to end up.

He sits down near one of the tree trunks and is just on the verge of making himself comfortable when all of a sudden, something crashes out of the brush to his right and he has just enough time to scramble to his feet before the deer falls down dead in front of him.

"Would you look at that," comes Percival's voice from very far away, "it's almost like he knew where it would run."

Merlin can't tear his eyes away from the deer on the ground, not until one of the horses snuffles and nudges his arm. Then he lifts one hand to blindly pat its face and turns to look at the knights who spill triumphantly into the clearing.

"Wonder of wonders," Arthur says, coming up to clap him on the shoulder, "maybe you aren't completely useless after all."

The words lodge in some soft part of Merlin's chest and he clenches his jaw. "You didn't have to kill it."

"It's a hunt, Merlin," Arthur says slowly, as though he's talking to a child, "that's what a hunt is for."

"It wasn't hurting anyone."

"It's a deer," he scoffs, "it's not going to do much of anything except run into things."

"Not true," Gwaine says from where he's already carving the poor thing, "it'll fill our bellies tonight and that is a worthy cause if I've ever heard one."

"You'd consider anything a worthy cause if it got you bread and wine," Lancelot points out and they all start laughing again. The horse snuffles his hand again and he turns away, patting its nose and sparing one more thought for the deer, who at the very least was put out of its misery quickly.

If he thought it would be over when they started to camp for the night, he was terribly and miserably wrong.

First he wasn't moving fast enough. Then he was doing it wrong. Then he wasn't doing enough. Then there were things he kept forgetting. Then they noticed he wasn't talking very much and he was too soft-hearted, mourning for a stupid deer. Arthur's favorite insult of girl's petticoat made an appearance, followed by Gwaine's infamous innuendoes of—oh, who bloody cares, it's not like he's paying much attention at this point.

Maybe it's the fact that they've all not let off steam for too long. Maybe Merlin's been too busy saving Camelot and his tolerance of them has worn low. Maybe they're all in an especially cruel mood today and they don't realize it. Maybe Merlin's just worn himself a little too ragged and this thing that's supposed to be their chance to all relax just isn't how Merlin would choose to do that at all.

Whatever the reason, the armor that Merlin thought he had against the knights has abandoned him. Every word, every look, every laugh hits him like an arrow or a punch, lodging deep in his flesh and hurting. It doesn't matter where he goes, what he does, even when he gives into his cowardly instincts—Arthur's already called him a coward at least half a dozen times in the last ten minutes, he might as well give in and be a coward—and hides behind one of the horses, he still can't escape from it. His body truly starts to ache, starts to flush and burn and he's too hot and he's too cold and he's angry, so angry, because they're hurting him and they don't care, they just don't care.

There comes a point where enough is enough.

"Say, Merlin—" Percival tugs his sleeve a little too hard and Merlin has to steady himself before he falls over— "whoa! Easy!"

"It's a wonder we didn't mistake you for the deer," Elyan jokes, "you're wobbling around like you don't know what your legs are for."

He didn't mean it like this, but Merlin's mind fills with smoke and the sound of blades clashing over a rising chant of burn the sorcerer and he flinches. Hard.

"Be nice to him," Lancelot scolds, and Merlin's heart leaps with hope— "you know fawns are the most skittish of all."

His hands tighten until his knuckles turn white and he sets his jaw, determined to put all the bowls down and sit and actually rest for once. He manages to make it halfway across the campsite and almost to the fire to bend down and—

"Maybe you should train with us a bit more," Percival suggests, "then you could keep up more often."

Merlin doesn't even need to turn around to know that Arthur's sitting up with a fiendish grin on his face.

"Oh, he hasn't told you? I'm surprised, I would've thought they would have by now."

"Told me what?"

Not a damn thing, you prat, now shut the hell up.

"Merlin used to be Princess's training dummy," Gwaine says helpfully, and how the hell does he know about it and he hasn't told Percival? "Used to wear the padding, the helmet, everything but the straw. Bet that suited you better than the armor did, ey, Merlin?"

Merlin doesn't say anything.

"I'd have preferred a proper training dummy," Arthur snorts, and there comes the rustling of leaves as he must lean back, "at least it wouldn't have flinched every time I so much as raised my sword."

I was brand new to Camelot. I'd come to see one of my kind get executed on my first day. You had tried to kill me already and I had saved your life. You swung swords at me and I didn't know what to do.

"But hand to hand, surely," Percival says, "that must have been better?"

"Oh, no, I know this one," Elyan says, and how does he—Gwen. Gwen must have told him— "what was it, three times in as many minutes that he ended up face-first into a cowpie?"

"I can't take credit for all of them—"

"But you will."

"No, no, some credit must go to Merlin for being the clumsiest sod I've ever laid eyes on."

He flinches again and the bowls clatter to the ground.

"See?"

That does it.

Without bothering to pick up the pot, he stoops down and picks up the bowls, fumbling around to free his horse from its tether and walking off. The knights' laughter rings in the trees behind him as he ventures further and further away from the light of the campfire. The wind stings the open cuts on his face and arms. His horse brushes against him. He keeps going, not caring that the shadows start to gather around his feet as they pick their way toward the river.

He remembers those first days. Those days where it felt like Arthur was always on the verge of having him arrested, or having him thrown out for no reason, or something. Where every time he ventured outside it felt like it was punishment for something he'd done, when swords and maces and spears would be flung at him without regard for the fact that he was a living, breathing person with feelings and that he would be hurt, and then he'd go stumbling off to Gaius still hearing the clangs and wobbling from the impact and then Gaius would laugh at him too. Why was everyone always laughing at him?

They laughed at him when Arthur decided that he needed to be trained 'for his own good' too. Never mind that he could do far more impressive things and far more effective things than swing a bloody sword, no, Arthur dressed him up in that stupid bloody armor and had all the knights and squires have a go at him. He'd been pushed to the ground, hit, punched, kicked, pinned, humiliated and every time there was Arthur, either looking incredibly disappointed or trying and failing to hide a smirk. Then he'd tell him to get up so they could go again.

They reach the river.

His horse nickers gently, pulling the lead through Merlin's hands to stretch its neck down for a long drink. Merlin looks at the bowls piled haphazardly in his other hand and slowly sets them down on a nearby rock before he sinks to the ground, wrapping his arms around his knees and setting his chin atop them to watch the water. Some of the last of the sunlight still sparkles off its ripples as it flows downstream.

See? This, this, this is all he wanted. He wanted to go and be in the woods and just breathe. Just watch the water, listen to the sound of the breeze, not to murder some animal that wasn't doing anything and make a loud ruckus and all of that. He didn't want to be surrounded by insults and laughter, he just—he just—

Oh, Merlin realizes faintly as the horse turns to bump its damp nose against his hand, I'm crying.

Of course, as soon as he realizes that, he starts to sniffle in earnest, his nose quickly making a mess of his trousers as his horse snuffles at his hand. He shuffles a little closer, leaning against its side, as it goes back to drinking. He closes his eyes and turns his face into the warmth. He ignores the slight sting against the still-open cuts.

Why had they been so cruel today? Was he—he wasn't that useless and clumsy, was he? He never tries to be, he just—it just happens sometimes, it's not as though he can keep complete control over himself all the time, not when he has to work so hard to constantly keep his magic in and hidden and unseen and it's hard, it's just hard sometimes and it's not fair. It's not fair that they get to prance around and make nuisances of themselves and when he doesn't do anything, they insult him for it. It's not fair that they get to poke fun at him all the time for things that he has no control over. It's not fair that they get to pick the things to do and he just has to go along with it.

And it's especially not fair that they don't notice how much they really, actually hurt him.

Perhaps that's the worst part of all of this, he decides as he sniffles again, it's that he doesn't think they realize how hurtful some of the things they say actually are. He doesn't have the same sort of hurt-people's-feelings-and-get-away-with-it that they do, he doesn't have this I'm-going-to-be-mean-on-purpose instinct. He doesn't have the ability that they all have to trade blows and take it and laugh it off. He spits back at them because he can't do anything else sometimes, and then he's beaten down again. He knows he's not a knight, he knows he's just a servant but they don't—do they have to make him feel like he's less when there's no one else around too?

It hurts. Everything hurts.

Maybe he should just stay here. Here, by the river, where the sunset was soft and golden and the horse was firm and solid and the air smelled slightly sweet, like flowers that had just past their prime. No one would be mean to him here, no one would shame him for being upset, he could cry and it would be alright if he did that. He's been accused of being far more than just clumsy and useless today, after all, he might as well indulge the parts of him they would gladly spear and roast over the campfire.

He flinches at his own metaphor, startling the horse slightly until it rubs its nose against his hand again. He fumbles to pat it carefully in silent apology and it lets out a worried noise, nosing at his head too. He sniffles and lets it nibble his hair, its breath warming the top of his head until it grows bored and goes to drink again. He keeps his hand on its leg, stroking the strong muscle with his fingers. Out of habit, he finds himself picking out little bits of twig and brush, cleaning the worst of the detritus away with quick little motions as the horse shifts its weight back and forth. He finds a slightly rough patch and scruffs at it with his fingernails until the horse's coat is smooth again. It snorts in thanks.

See, he thinks again, what's so bad about this? Why is it so bad to be kind in an uncomplicated way? Why can't you just be kind for the sake of being kind, without having to disguise it?

Should he have swatted the horse and mocked it for its matted coat? Should he have shoved it this way and that in lieu of a proper grooming? Should he have laughed at it when it stumbled and hurt its leg on a rock it couldn't have seen before it was already too late? What purpose did any of that serve? Why would he want to make it seem like he would only hurt the horse when all he wanted to do was be kind?

With a courage he does not feel, he closes his eyes and wraps his arms back around himself, trying to find the scared, hurt horse in his own chest and reach out to it too.

Why are you being unkind to me, that part of him sniffles, why are you hurting me? What did I do to deserve being hurt by you? Why are you taking pleasure in hurting me?

I don't know, says another part, I don't know.

Make it stop. I don't like this, it hurts. You're hurting me. Please, make it stop.

A rock clatters behind him.

In an instant, he whirls around, trying to see what managed to sneak up on him, but in his haste he overbalances and is about to fall into the river—

A hand grabs the front of his tunic, catching him before he drenches himself. Panting, Merlin stares up at Leon, who looks just as surprised as he, his hand still fisted in the thin material of Merlin's front. He raises his other hand, palm open in a signal of sincerity, before he slowly reaches forward and tugs Merlin back to safety.

"Are you alright?"

The fear of falling into the river dwindles, swiftly replaced by a growing anger at being caught off guard again, at almost falling in and needing to be saved, and at himself for not noticing Leon's approach. He twists Leon's hand none-too-gently out of his tunic, setting his jaw and deliberately turning away. "Thanks."

Leon gives a non-committal hum. For a moment, Merlin thinks he's going to leave, or at the very least, do whatever it was that he was going to do when he came here that wasn't cause-and-prevent-Merlin-falling-in-river, but then the still-dirty bowls are being moved further away and Leon is crouching next to him on the bank of the river. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees him take something from a pouch on his belt, remove his gloves and dip something in the river.

When callused hands reach for him, he contemplates pulling away, saying no, even snapping at them—if they're going to insist he's a hound, he'll damn well act like one—but before he can decide what to do, the dry warmth of Leon's hand is turning his chin and then something soft and damp is dabbing over the cuts on his face. With the soft and steady patience that only he has, Leon tends to the open wounds without saying a word, his free hand gentle on Merlin's chin and shoulders to hold him in the right place to reach all of the right places without straining either of them. He keeps his eyes on his hands as he works, the smallest wrinkle between his brows the only indicator that something's upsetting him. Is he upset? Why is he here? Merlin hasn't been gone that long, has he?

The cloth rubs too harshly against one of the cuts and Merlin flinches, a quiet whimper emerging into the still air. Immediately he wants to claw it back into his throat, but Leon doesn't smirk, doesn't tease, doesn't do any of that. Instead he takes the cloth away and leans closer, blowing cool air over the raw and reddened skin until the ache is soothed. The tenderness of the gesture causes tears to spring to the corner of his eyes and to his absolute horror, he sniffles.

Leon pulls the cloth away but his other hand remains, thumb carefully stroking the unblemished skin of Merlin's right cheek. He lays the cloth carefully over one of his gloves before he looks back and uses his other hand to ruffle Merlin's hair just above his ear.

"I'm sorry," he says gently, "I should have realized."

A lump appears in his throat and he does his best to glare. Leon takes it, because he's a stupid kind bastard sometimes and Merlin is weak, and when Leon opens his arms and says come here in the softest, gentlest voice in the world, Merlin doesn't bother to fight it and buries his stupid sniffling nose into the crook of Leon's neck and lets the knight wrap him up in a cuddle, his stupid cape wrapped around him too like a blanket.

"There, now," Leon murmurs, one hand still scratching lightly at his scalp, "there you are…forgive me, Merlin, I didn't realize they were hurting you so much. That we were hurting you so much."

"Why are you so mean to me," he mumbles, half into, half over Leon's shoulder, not caring that he sounds like a child, "why are you always so mean?"

"I don't know," the knight confesses and Merlin just huddles further into his hold. "I'm sorry."

"It hurts, you know, when you all say those things. And when you hit me. And throw things at me."

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you so mean," he sobs, making a fist and weakly hitting Leon's shoulder, "why— why?"

Leon just tightens his grip, turning to bury his own nose in Merlin's hair, and Merlin sobs again. He's being unfair, he knows; Leon isn't the only one to blame in this situation, and in fact, might be the least to blame, but Leon is the only one here and Merlin is angry, angry, so angry.

As if he can hear it, Leon shifts, putting his mouth to Merlin's ear. "Go on, Merlin, it's alright."

"But I don't want to," he grits out, "I don't want to hurt you. I know what that's like, it hurts, it doesn't feel good, I just—you just—I just want it to stop!"

"It'll stop," Leon says immediately, "it's over, now, Merlin, I swear to you. No more of this, I swear."

"It hurts, L-Leon, it—it really hurts."

"Shh, shh, I know, Merlin…hush, now, please, try and breath a bit slower." The knight's chest expands and contracts slowly, exaggerated breaths filling the small clearing. "There…in…and out…in…and out…that's it, shh, just like that."

Slowly, Merlin manages to calm the worst of his anger and tears, the whole mess unspooling as Leon keeps rubbing his back, soft words in his ears. He buries his nose in his neck again. This part, this part of the knights he's never taken for granted, this tenderness that he's only able to get when he's visibly upset. When he manages to voice that thought, Leon goes still for a moment, before a quiet and terrible sigh leaves his lips.

"I have failed, then," he says lowly, "more terribly than I could ever have feared, if you do not know how deeply I care for you."

"W-what?"

Leon pulls back, then, just enough for Merlin to see his face. "You are a dear friend of mine, Merlin, and it is an honor to serve with you. Ever since the day you arrived and saved the Prince's life—hush, shh, none of that, now," he soothes when Merlin panics, "your secret is safe with me, I swear upon my honor and my life. I mean every word that I say, Merlin, you are one of the best men I have ever had the privilege of knowing, and more than that, you are a dear friend. If I have not made that clear to you, that is no one's fault but my own."

"You'll make me cry," Merlin accuses, even though he's already crying.

Leon smiles, but it's a kind smile. "Come, then, shed your tears. I will tend to you."

Well, with an invitation like that, how can Merlin say no?

When he's cried himself out—and made a mess of Leon's cloak, which the man doesn't even let him apologize for—Leon ruffles his hair and takes off his cloak, wrapping it over his shoulders and cleaning the bowls while the horse snuffles at Merlin's shoulders. The cry exhausted the part of him that could protest, and so he watches in the quiet dusk as Leon finishes the last bowl and stands, offering a hand.

"They'll worry," he says softly when Merlin hesitates, "and then they'll all come looking for us together."

He doesn't want that. But neither does he want to lose this, whatever this is, whatever he's found with Leon on the banks of the river. As if he'd spoken the thought out loud, Leon cups his elbow through the cloak, thumb rubbing back and forth until Merlin nods and gets to his feet, going to give Leon his cloak back.

"Keep it, if you want it."

"They'll laugh at me."

"They won't," he says with remarkable confidence, only to acquiesce when Merlin raises a doubtful eyebrow, taking it back. "If you decide you want it again, it's yours."

Part of him wants to take him up on the offer as soon as they start to hear the voices from camp again, to hide underneath it and not have to show his face until next morning, but the horse calls out to its friends and the voices hush. He stops, lingering just out of sight, before Leon rests a hand on his back and silently encourages him forwards. He emerges from the tree line, already bracing himself for whatever comes flying at him, when—

"Oh, sweetheart, what's happened?"

That…that can't be Arthur. That soft voice and worried tone can't be the same man who just delighted in dictating Merlin's humiliation not three hours earlier, it can't be.

"Merlin," the voice says again, and it certainly looks like Arthur scrambling up and over to him, reaching out to cup his face, "oh, you poor thing, look how hurt you are…is this from that tree?"

Merlin nods dumbly and Arthur sweeps his thumb across his cheek. "You've been crying, does it hurt very badly?"

"No."

"You don't have to lie," he chides, but it's gentle, why is it gentle? "You can tell me."

"We've got extra salve," Elyan says, already going for one of the saddlebags, "here, come over by the fire."

"There's another portion still here," Percival adds, "if you're still hungry."

"Give him a moment," Lancelot says, standing too, "he looks a bit overwhelmed."

"Wh-what—" Merlin staggers and Leon and Arthur both surge to catch him— "what's happening?"

"Come sit," Gwaine says, already clearing a spot and shuffling a bedroll close to the fire, "you look like you're about to fall over. Leon can handle the horse and the dishes."

Sure enough, Arthur's hands take Leon's place as he guides Merlin carefully over to the bedroll, sitting him down and immediately taking a position at his elbow. He strokes his thumb over Merlin's jaw as he examines the scratches, before looking back up at him properly.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?"

Merlin still has whiplash from the difference between the knight before he left and the knights now, thank you very much. He swallows around the lump in his throat and mumbles something about being mean and insulting and whatever they're doing now, and Arthur's face crumbles.

"Oh, sweetheart, you know we don't mean it, don't you?"

"We never do," Lancelot says immediately, "it's only supposed to be fun."

"How is being mean to each other fun?"

"Merlin's right," Gwaine says before anyone can try and explain, "it's only fun if everyone's in on it. And Merlin wasn't in on it, that means we stop."

"What happened," Merlin blurts out, "when I left, you were all more than happy to laugh at me being humiliated or otherwise, and now you're all being nice and calling me sweetheart, what happened?"

The campsite grows quiet. He looks around. None of them seem willing to meet his eyes, save for Leon, who just gives him a reassuring nod. He's about to open his mouth and ask again when Arthur speaks.

"I'm sorry, Merlin. I'm so sorry. I didn't—I…I never mean it. I never mean it."

Merlin swallows. "Then why do you do it?"

Arthur shrugs helplessly. "It's…it's what they all do. What we all do."

The knights make vague noises of agreement but Arthur reaches out for him again.

"But we'll stop now. I promise," he says when Merlin looks at him doubtfully, "we'll—we'll put a stop to it. At least between us, and definitely with you. You're Merlin, we never want to hurt you."

"You promise?"

"Yes." Something that could be mischief flickers across his expression and he leans closer. "And I'm the only one who gets to call you sweetheart."

"What happened to being nice?" Merlin yelps as he starts blushing furiously.

"Sorry, sorry, I didn't know it would make you do that."

Merlin closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down. When he opens them again, he sees Arthur staring at him like a worried puppy and he sighs. "You don't…you don't have to stop everything. Just—will you stop if I tell you to?"

"Yes," he says immediately, and the rest of them join in, "of course, the moment you say."

"Thanks." Arthur's hand passes over his shoulders and he grins. "Besides, you were the one who couldn't speak after the barmaid smiled at you."

"Merlin!"

"Wait, Princess did what?"

"You've been holding out on us, Merlin, tell us!"

"Oi! Show some respect for your King!"

"Oh, is that what the barmaids are calling it these days?"

Merlin laughs as Arthur hucks a spoon at Gwaine and Leon comes to sit next to him, offering a warm side to lean against. Perhaps they really are capable of acting nice after all.

#bbc merlin #merlin bbc #merlin #arthur pendragon #sir leon #sir leon the long suffering #dragonbabbles #fic

[smokerswifey]

Y'ALL THE TIMSESKIP IS HAPPENING IN A WEEK SO ITS THEORY TIME :

Guinever notifies us about four events that will happen in the future :

• Her (14) and Lancelot (18) will meet in secret in a tower

• They will share their first kiss 🤢 him 19, her 15. ( I'M SORRY THEIR AGE GAP GIVES ME THE ICK, WHY COULDN'T CATTIVE DONNE'S GUINEVERE BE THE ONE IN THE MANGA 😭😡)

• He makes a name for himself in service for a king when he's 23, ( her 19 ).

• And then they will part ways for the last time.

So if she and Lance could meet in secret there are multiple ways of how that could happen :

A : someone in Camelot might be an ally that covers for Guinevere when she meets Lancelot or that someone helps Lancelot get inside Camelot .

B : Lancelot disguises himself as a fox ( Idk if the chaos knights know about that )

C : another reason idk

D : LANCELOT JOUNED ARTHUR AND HE'S THE KING HE'S IN SERVICE FOR LIKE IN THE LEGENDS ????? ( I really ffing hope not )

Her and Lancelot's kiss I have nothing to say about that except 19 year old boys shouldn't go around kissing 15 year old girls and I will FOREVER be salty about this .

In the timeskip Lance will be 20 and Guinevere will be 16, so 1 year would have passed after their first kiss so they are probably in a relationship. ( yay......) So these 2 are probably having more secret meetings and whatnot and I feel like it won't be long till arthur will found out about that and he will definitely flip out.... karma.

Him making a name for himself and stuff happen 3 years after the timeskip so I can't really analyse much apart from the question who is the king he is going to serve :

I doubt it would be King or Ban or Zeldris

And it might be Meliodas or another King who will be revealed .

Or....arthur ????? Oh god I hope not .

Or maybe there's another prophecy where there will be a new king of Camelot that will take arthur's place or sm idk I'm going a bit far lmao...

And the last thing she says is that her and Lancelot will " part ways" ( YAAAAAAAY, sorry)

But it's not specified how and why

Does arthur make her break it off ??

Does she do it to save him ??

Does he do it to save her ??

Do they break up put of anger after a fight or sm ?

Or do they genuinely part ways in a way they get separated unwillingly ??

I would say I'm happy they just separated because I'm sorry Languin shippers but I am not feeling it... but I do know Nakaba and they will probably get back together/find each other again or whatever.

Plus she said she didn't want to see everyone before the future so she definitely met everyone in the gang .

But wait she never warned or foreshadowed to Lancelot about Percy or anything and she never mentioned not meeting Percy so this could be hope that she never knew that Percival died because when she saw him in the future he was alive ???????

I'M COPING IK LEAVE ME ALOOOONE

#nanatsu no taizai #mokushiroku no yonkishi #4koa #seven deadly sins #percival #lancelot #guinevere #4koa timeskip

[angelynmoon]

"Aren't you forgetting something? The Cup of Life is guarded by an Immortal army." Lancelot said as he looked at Merlin as the others slept.

"Aren't you forgetting I have Magic?" Merlin grinned.

"Doesn't make you Immortal." Lancelot said.

"Lancelot." Merlin whispered as he scooted closer.

Lancelot wrapped his arms around Merlin, "I'm your Knight, aren't I?"

"You're a Knight of Camelot." Merlin agreed.

Lancelot shook his head and pulled back to take Merlin's face in his hands as he had many times before.

"I am first and foremost a Knight of the Old Religion, I follow the Oldest Code of Knighthood, the one that you gave me, Merlin, I am your Knight before I am Camelot's." Lancelot told him, quietly.

"I think that may count as Treason, Sir Lancelot." Merlin teased with a blush on his cheeks.

"I've commited a lot of Treason since I met you, at least according to Uthur's laws." Lancelot grinned at Merlin, thinking of all the magic users or those accused of such he'd helped escape undeserved fates since Merlin had Knighted him so long ago.

"Such a rebel, Arthur would be shocked." Merlin cuddled close to Lancelot.

"He shouldn't be, we commited identity theft within a day of meeting each other." Lancelot reminded him, pulling Merlin to rest against his chest.

Merlin giggled.

"Go to sleep, you two." Arthur growled as he threw something in their direction, missing by a good distance.

"Oh, let them be." Gwaine muttered, "We're all going to die tomorrow anyway, let them spend their last night making us all jealous."

"I don't need to hear my manservant losing his virginity to my best knight." Arthur whined.

"Then I have good news for you, Sire, Merlin hasn't been a virgin since the second night I spent in his bed." Lancelot told them.

"Merlin!" Gwen shouted, "You never told me that!"

"I don't kiss and tell." Merlin said and sat up to give her a look that had her blushing.

"Well, when we live through this we're having a talk." Gwen threatened him.

"As long as we trade details, I won't be the only one giving up secrets." Merlin said as he settled back into his spot against Lancelot.

"Absolutly not." Arthur shouted in protest.

"Oh, like you knights don't gossip about your lovers." Gwen scoffed.

"She has a point, Sire." Leon said.

"But he already has so much to tease me with." Arthur whined.

"It can't get any worse than you asking me how to express your feelings." Merlin reminded him.

"I'm sorry, he did what?" Elyan asked sitting up on an elbow to look at Merlin.

"Oh, yes, and he also told me it was his 'job to woo'." Merlin recalled.

"Merlin, if you value your life, shut up!" Arthur hissed.

"Bold of you to assume I value my life, I follow you around, don't I?" Merlin said and squeaked when Lancelot moved him across his body to get him out of the path of the shoe Arthur threw at him.

The knights let out a few snickers.

"We have a big day tomorrow, if you don't intend on sleeping yourselves then at least let this old man get some rest." Gaius chastised suddenly.

"Sorry, Gaius." Several voices muttered as they settled in for sleep.

"I'll get you to the Cup, Merlin, leave it to me." Lancelot promised.

Merlin pressed a kiss over Lancelot's heart before laying his head down on his Knight's chest.

"I know you will, Sir Lancelot." Merlin said quietly as Lancelot took his hand in his where it rested on his chest, pressing a kiss to Merlin's hair. "You're my Knight, my protection is in your hands."

Lancelot's arm tightened around Merlin's shoulders.

"It's the most precious thing they've ever held, except for yourself." Lancelot murmured.

"Such a romantic." Merlin teased.

"Only for you." Lancelot agreed and then they both went to sleep.

There was a good chance they would die tomorrow, even if they succeeded in freein Camelot, but for now Warlock and Knight slept, each held securely by the one they loved most, for one more night at the very least.

--

A/n: am I ignoring the weird romance they tried to give Gwen and Lancelot? why, yes I am. I know the myths have it but the show just didn't give it enough time to make it anything but awkward and weird, so it didn't happen in this verse, Lancelot has always been with Merlin and loves Gwen like a sister or that weird category of your spouse's siblings/best friend.

#mercelot #merlin/lancelot #a knight #part 2 #knights of the round table #fic #bbc merlin

[ivan-fyodorovich-k]

mercifully God spared me today from running into any of the people to whom I would have said the following and so I managed to keep it all to myself until now

finishing the rough draft of the dissertation has put me in an introspective frame of mind

nothing I have to say will come as a surprise to you but it probably would have been upsetting to any of the people I would have seen over the course of a normal Monday

I've wanted to die for the last eleven years

I was extremely unhappy in my youth but I kind of understood this to be a more or less temporary state, either because I was going to die in a nuclear war, or the world would end by some other means before I reached adulthood, and I grit my teeth and endured

Sometimes at night as I tried to fall asleep I would imagine what my wife would be like and where she might be and what she might be doing in that very moment (she was just a couple miles down the road though I didn't know at the time) and I have come to realize, or recall, that at that time I was staking a lot on a future romantic partner to solve a lot of my life's problems (life would disabuse me of that notion before I got married), and I think at a deeper level what I had come vaguely to internalize very early in my life was that my emotional well-being was going to have to come from outside my family and I was going to have to escape

I always knew vaguely that I was supposed to find everything that I was looking for in God, but I did not and still do not understand how that sustains a person on a day to day level. Prayer does not replace breathing, so there are at least a few things that we need to sustain us outside prayer. Christians will tell me that other people are essential and that they are a critical means of communicating and receiving the love of God until the moment I am actually in need of love and then they invariably send me away to pray. I suppose being sent away is what it means to experience the love of God.

In my youth I always hoped that I was going to find what I was looking for in the next place, whatever was the next place, a new school, the new church. It never came, I never found it. I found my wife, I dated, I got married, it didn't fill me up but by then I didn't expect a romantic relationship to fill a person up anymore so this didn't seem out of the ordinary to me.

I kept all this up until the spring semester of my senior year in college. At that time I thought, vaguely, I was looking for friendship, or belonging, or something like that. Around April of 2012 I realized what I have been struggling to accept ever since, which is that whatever it is, I am never going to find it in this life, and I am not good enough for it anyway. In fact I am by virtue of the way I have lived my life, and perhaps by my very nature, disqualified from having it. Like Lancelot, so stupefied by his sin that he did not recognize the Grail when it passed before him, I would not even know it if I did find it. The problem was and remains within me.

I wanted to die.

One night during the senior week or whatever the college did a little booze cruise thing and I remember thinking that maybe I would just throw myself into the river, but the most serious thing that happened was that June, there was a .45 beside the bed, and one night, in that kind of reverie between wakefulness and sleep, I experienced what I can only describe as the temptation to shoot myself in the head. By which I mean that the sensation was precisely what you feel when you are looking at a dessert you know you shouldn't eat, or you are thinking of saying something you know you shouldn't say. I roused myself and the feeling passed.

I know that I have a reputation of just existing in a mire of depressive self-pity and never doing anything to make it better -- because of course if I did anything to make it better, it would get better -- but here are some of the things that I did in the last eleven years that I had hoped would make it better:

I invested in my relationships with my coworkers. I volunteered to play bass and guitar at my church to get involved. My wife and I moved to Japan for a little while. I drew a comic book. I volunteered at my new church. We had two children. I started seeing a therapist. I started running. I started WWII re-enacting. I went to graduate school. I worked full time while going to school full time. I volunteered to play music at my new church. I went to small groups in my church. I started seeing a new therapist. I started taking antidepressants. I got my Master's degree. I started running the music at my church. I moved. I bought a house. I started a PhD program. I tried to open myself up to people. I started seeing a new therapist. I got a second Master's degree. I went skydiving. I tried to open up even more, to new people. I lived in London for a semester. I traveled. I started teaching. I volunteered to play music at my new church. I finished a rough draft of my dissertation.

It never got better, and I do not think it ever will. I am very nearly out of ideas.

I think, to think that you want something, and to chase after it hoping that it will make you happy, is like drinking salt water. It can be a possession, it can be an experience, it can be a state of mind, it can be a person. It can be love. Wanting to feel loved--wanting to feel love as something other than punishment--can be an idol.

The more things I try to make it better, even good things, the worse I think it gets.

Anyone who seeks to save his life will lose it.

I have been clawing myself out of that hole for eleven years and enduring ridicule for all my failure not to be unhappy the entire time. I can't believe how angry people are with me for being unhappy. It infuriates them.

But, you know, it goes on, and I am reminded of the passage towards the end of Anna Karenina

And Levin, a happy father and husband, in perfect health, was several times so near suicide that he hid the cord that he might not be tempted to hang himself, and was afraid to go out with his gun for fear of shooting himself. But Levin did not shoot himself, and did not hang himself; he went on living.

#for always roaming with a hungry heart #mental illness #I guess #I don't know #life #it goes on #how monotonous i am! #'the terrible boredom of pain'

[repmet]

Lancelot + Merlin's magic

#bbc merlin #merlin #sir lancelot #lancelot #colin morgan #santiago cabrera #merlinedit #bbcm #do you ever think about how honest merlin could be around lancelot #gaius is always warning merlin when he uses it #but lancelot knows and lancelot never makes him feel like he shouldn't use it #he's even happy about seeing it #and merlin's so happy to be able to show him #like you can see his relief when he realises 'oh i can just tell lancelot how i made this amazing sword i don't have to lie for once' #basically it's pain #because even when merlin loses someone arthur actually knows about #he still doesn't know how much he actually lost

[dragoon-the-greatest]

Merlin Headcanons, Part One (Pre Canon and Canon Era)

• When Merlin was born, his eyes were gold when he first opened them and he broke a plate when he cried. When the townswoman who helped Hunith with the birth came running into the room to investigate the noise, Hunith starting crying hysterically (she later said she was simply upset that Merlin’s father wasn’t there) and threw a cup against a wall from her bedside to cover up any evidence of Merlin’s magic. It worked; the woman was alarmed by her sudden and extreme actions and ran from the room before Merlin’s magic did anything else. The woman gave Hunith a bit of space for a while afterwards; Hunith didn’t mind, as it took a few years for Merlin to stop doing spontaneous magic when laughing or crying. 

• Merlin did in fact tell Will he had magic, Will didn't find out by accident. Between Will's reaction to Merlin not wanting to tell Arthur about his magic, and Merlin's strong desire to tell people in Camelot about his magic even under the threat of execution, there's no reason to think he didn't tell Will himself.

• Will knew for a year or two before Hunith found out he knew. This, combined with Merlin's lack of control over his magic, made her reach out to Gaius on Merlin's behalf. (She had to travel to the next town over to send the letter, but she was so upset she didn’t tell Merlin where she was going. He just thought she had had enough and decided to leave and was so happy when she came back home again)

• When Merlin was little and it was winter time, he used his magic to make crops grow from the seeds stored in his house so that he and his mother could eat. Merlin wanted to share his gifts with the rest of the village but his mother was adamant that he shouldn't .

• (This was endlessly frustrating to baby Merlin, who didn't understand why he couldn't just use his magic to help people. His mother assured him that maybe some day he could change how the world saw magic. She forgot these words as he grew older, but Merlin never did)

• Merlin is extremely sensitive to the cold after what happened with the dorocha. It's never directly addressed because of the grief over Lancelot that is associated with those memories, but on extended hunting trips Merlin always sits closest to the fireside even when it isn't that cold outside. Sometimes he falls asleep shivering and wakes up covered in a red cloak or five

• Merlin likes fire; it was one of the first magics he experimented with after telekinesis. He is not afraid of it because of its association with the pyre.

• No matter how afraid he is of Arthur reacting badly to his magic, he knows Arthur isn't cruel enough to burn him alive. Beheading, however, is a very real fear for him. That was the first type of execution he ever saw, and when Arthur asks him why Merlin never told him about his magic, Merlin didn't say "Because I didn't want to burn," he says, "You'd have chopped my head off."

• This is also why he continues wearing neckerchiefs throughout the series; in Ealdor it was just the style and a way to keep warm, but in Camelot Merlin feels more comfortable keeping his neck covered.

And the one that makes me saddest (sorry):

• Merlin never did find out that Arthur hugged him during the whole fomorrah incident; in his mind, the only hug they ever shared was Merlin holding Arthur as he died.

That's all for now! There will be a Part Two: Immortal Edition to follow but this is getting too long.

#bbc merlin #merlin headcanons #merlin emrys #hunith #bbc will #long post

[lit-in-thy-heart]

i'd just like a to take a moment to talk about this gif

more specifically, the dynamic between merlin and gwaine.

warning: s5 finale spoilers

this is the episode where merlin has lost his magic and every time i see it i just want to cry. you can see that, to begin with, merlin is just standing back and assessing the situation -- like he always does -- to see where he can discreetly help. then the bandit comes towards him and he completely flips out (understandably).

initially he obviously backs away, but he doesn't cover his head until the very last second, and his scream is honestly chilling because i don't think merlin has ever been this vulnerable before and it's terrifying him. but he also doesn't call for gwaine until the very last moment. he sees that the bandit is getting up and pushing him back but it's not until the blow is about to be dealt that he screams for his love friend. there is still a part of him that hasn't processed he no longer has magic and cannot defend himself. (it also begs the question why the knights haven't given merlin some sort of weapon in the last ten years, unless they think he repels death or something, but anyway.) and does he hesitate because he doesn't want gwaine to be hurt in saving him? or is it that, in that moment, the belief that gwaine can protect him slips and that's why he cries out?

and merlin is definitely shaken by this encounter. it's excellent acting on colin's part to convey the sheer terror at merlin being unable to defend himself and potentially put gwaine at risk by being unable to do so. afterwards, you can see just how deeply he's breathing and just how stunned he actually is. it's the first time that he has had to entirely rely on someone else.

gwaine, though. maybe it's my merwaine brain going into overdrive, but he is making merlin a priority. you can see that he's clocked the bandit going for merlin and is actually moving to stop him before merlin shouts. he doesn't even properly dispose of the bandit he's dealing with in his desperation to get to merlin in time.

and when they first attack, he angles his body so it acts as a shield for merlin. of course, that doesn't really work out because he gets too drawn into combat with one which allows the the other to attack merlin, but he tries.

i don't know why but it's the last bit that really gets me. the whole i'll-stab-you-without-looking thing is just urgh perfection, but it's his consistent eye contact with merlin. gwaine's expression isn't the softest because he's killing someone, but you can see that he's keeping his eyes on merlin to check that he's alright. and almost like he's saying 'this is for them attacking you'. we will never know what his expression was when the camera flicks back to merlin, but it is highly likely that he's silently asking merlin if he's alright, given their Interaction in the next bit:

(please ignore the juddering text, it's the first time i've giffed dialogue and I'm still figuring out text and frames)

so there's quite a bit that i want to say about this moment.

first of all, merlin is avoiding eye contact when gwaine helps him up. is this because he's embarrassed at being so dependent on gwaine or is it because watching gwaine fight made him feel things that are not helpful to feel on the eve of battle? probably. gwaine has obviously fought and protected merlin before, but (as far as i recall) never has had to save him from a death blow. this is the first time in a long while (again, i might be wrong, feel free to correct me) that merlin owes his life to anyone but arthur, who is part of his destiny. lancelot saved him when they first met, but that was years ago. merlin isn't used to be indebted to someone who he isn't duty-bound to protect, and if he wanted to repay the debt then, currently, he'd have to wrangle it without magic.

(merlin's eyes also go to gwaine's left hand which makes me question what on earth that knight is doing out of shot.)

and gwaine isn't smiling for a start: you can tell that he is genuinely concerned about merlin. and it must be pretty unnerving for gwaine, as well. despite all arthur's comments about merlin being a coward, gwaine probably sees merlin as incredibly scrappy when it comes to survival. he's always thrown himself into dangerous situations without a moment's hesitation and never shown fear. so for merlin to scream for him so desperately (i wish gifs could convey tone because my heart honestly breaks) must be incredibly unsettling and gwaine instantly jumps to merlin being injured. and when he does smile, it's not in the (seemingly) self-assured manner that we're all used to, it's in a very tender manner, as if he's trying to reassure merlin.

'there's no need to thank me, merlin. it's the least i could do.'

merlin makes eye contact here. i appreciate that it's not wonderfully giffed to align, but when gwaine says the first part merlin looks up. he definitely looks surprised at the fact that gwaine says he doesn't need gratitude, almost as if he's shocked by the implication that gwaine would do something like that and not want recognition, if that makes sense? merlin has never once received a word of thanks for saving arthur, and to have gwaine say that he doesn't want it possibly strikes a chord in merlin. because merlin doesn't save arthur for the gratitude; he saves arthur because (in whichever context you perceive it) he loves him (yeah, it started off as destiny for a start, but he does obviously grow to love arthur). so. if gwaine doesn't want thanks...then that means he loves merlin (again, platonically or romantically, it works both ways). and, just like the 'not arthur' s3 moment, merlin is caught off guard by the concept that someone cares for him enough to risk their life for him without a moment's hesitation.

and then -- 'it's the least i could do'. what more would gwaine do for merlin? or is it, perhaps, that he has some inkling that merlin has also saved his life many times over, and just wants to do the same for him? does he perhaps suspect that merlin does have magic? this line hits me so hard because you can see how much he cares for merlin, and just how blind merlin is to it.

and then the touch. the touch on the arm that is very similar to the one arthur gives to merlin. the touch that serves as reassurance and affection and i actually can't talk about this further because i will explode.

to summarise this stream of consciousness, then:

when it comes to himself, merlin doesn't know when to ask for help, mainly because he has taught himself that his needs are secondary and he shouldn't require it. but gwaine knows exactly when to give it because merlin deserves it, and would give him the world on a plate if he could.

#it's just...this is the one good thing the finale gave us i honestly love this scene #just how on it gwaine is because we don't really see him fighting in this season but damn when he does #this is a fucking long post i apologise for getting carried away #i just...THEY DESERVED BETTER #thank you for indulging me #i'm sorry if it's incoherent i just have a lot of feelings #merlin #bbc merlin #long post #merlin meta #my gifs #gwaine #merwaine #season five #merlin spoilers #merlin gif thoughts

[gremlinbehaviour]

Let Me Go

For @febuwhump day 28: "you have to let me go"

Fandom: Merlin

Wordcount: 2737

Lancelot gets cursed by a witch with a spell that will not only kill him, but make him kill one of his friends. In a desperate attempt to avoid hurting people, Lancelot isolates himself, but his friends aren't about to let him go without a fight.

Read on ao3

This was Lancelot's worst nightmare. Since he was a child, his only goal in life had been to protect others. Once he made friends, his focus was obviously on them, though he retained his desire to care for everyone. So, to not only be unable to protect them, but to actively be putting them in danger was almost physically painful. Though, perhaps the gnawing feeling in his stomach was just the spell eating deeper.

Arthur, Merlin, and the knights had ridden out of the city to investigate a series of murders in the villages. Though the perpetrator was different in each one,  it was clear they were somehow linked. Each time, a man or woman killed someone that by all accounts they got along with or even loved, including husbands, wives, parents, and children. They could never be questioned about their motive, because they passed away soon after committing the murder. From what cause exactly was unclear. Sorcery had been the suspected culprit, and it was confirmed when the knights caught up to the witch behind all the deaths. Before they'd managed to kill her, she'd cursed Lancelot like she had the other victims. In the next few hours, he was destined to kill one of his friends and die himself, unless they could somehow stop it.

"Merlin, Merlin, please, you can't let me hurt anyone," he begged, already desperate. His hands fumbled with his belt, trying to get his sword and scabbard off. He threw them away from himself as soon as he managed it and his eyes pleaded with Leon for him to pick the weapon up and take it further from him. "You have to tie me up. Tie me up and leave me. I can't- I can't, I can't hurt any of you. I couldn't bear it."

"You're not going to hurt anyone, Lancelot," Merlin tried to reassure him. "And we are not leaving you."

"You have to, please. You have to let me go."

" No . The spell would kill you. I will not allow that to happen."

"I would rather die than hurt any of you."

"You don't have to do either," Merlin tried to insist. Lancelot wasn't seeing sense however and simply presented his wrists, pressed tightly together, forward in a clear plea for them to be bound. The warlock should have known that his friend wouldn't be rational about this. Not when the spell seemed tailor-made to cause him as much grief as possible.

"We can tie you up, Lance, if that's what you want," Arthur said, nodding for Elyan to retrieve the rope from his saddle bags. "But we are not going to leave you. It is only a few hours' ride to Camelot, and there we can find a cure for this spell." He had no way of knowing that Gaius and Merlin actually could find a solution, still ignorant of their frequent use of magic, but he had faith nonetheless. Merlin felt his heart swell with both pride and responsibility. Lancelot looked similarly caught between emotions, his being anguish and relief. He was terrified of hurting his friends and terrified of dying alone. Percival helped him to his feet after Arthur had finished tying his hands together and assisted him with the challenge of getting up onto his horse.

"Take the reins away from me," the cursed knight asked. "I shouldn't be able to control my horse. I could ride off or try to knock you down should the spell take hold."

Though he thought it was a bit of an overreaction, Arthur looped the reins over in front of Lancelot's mare's head and tied them with a rope to the pommel of his own saddle so he could lead both horse and rider. Once everyone was mounted and had taken up a position arrayed around Lancelot at a safe distance, they began to make their way as fast as they dared towards Camelot, and the promise of salvation for their friend.

By the time they arrived in the castle's courtyard, Lancelot was pale and shaking. Evidently the part of the spell that eventually killed the one cursed with it, rather than their loved ones, was taking hold. He needed help dismounting from his horse, and not just because of the awkwardness of bound hands. His body was clearly weakened and his legs almost went out from under him, but he still had enough strength to resist being moved towards the stairs that led up to Gaius's chambers.

"No, it's not safe for me to be up there," he insisted. "The dungeon, you should put me in the dungeon." They tried to argue with him, but he was uncompromising, and the attempts were just making him more agitated. With his already weakened state, Merlin wondered if they were doing more harm than good by fighting with him, and reluctantly consented to putting him in a cell. Elyan was sent to get him something warm to eat, however, and Gwaine to fetch the blanket from Merlin's bed, which he hoped could be there for the knight and provide him some measure of calm when he wouldn't allow the warlock himself to do so.

Leaving Lancelot down in the dungeons was one of the hardest things Merlin had ever done, but he couldn't very well read his book of magic in public without being imprisoned himself. Fortunately, the knights had already come up with a rotation where one of them always sat on the outside of their friend's cell. They reported to Gaius on his condition every time the shift changed, which was every half hour. Though it wasn't easy to get an accurate assessment from the knight, who was intent on hiding his pain so as not to make the others worry, he seemed to be getting worse. He'd struggled to take his own armor off, which was to, quote, "make it easier for you to kill me if you need to defend yourself," and paced back and forth across the cell with Merlin's blanket clutched around his shoulders. He'd even taken his gambeson off, despite the warmth the padded shirt could provide.

"How is he?" Merlin asked Gwaine when he came down to the dungeon himself. He had found a spell he thought might be able to save Lancelot, and had it written out on a scrap of paper and tucked into his pocket. Before he could use it, though, he had to get any other witnesses to leave. Lancelot being in the dungeon made using magic far harder, and the warlock wondered that if given a moment to speak alone, he would have been able to convince him to come to his own room instead, to help protect the magic user's secret.

"He won't speak to us much, or come close enough for us to get a good look at him, but it's clear he's terrified and in pain," Gwaine whispered back, glancing towards the cell. Lancelot had stopped pacing, and now was just huddled in the back corner with his back turned towards the door. The bowl of soup sat near him, untouched and probably cold at this point.

"I've brought some herbs Gaius thinks might help," Merlin lied. "Could you get some hot water for him to wash them down with?"

Gwaine gave him a skeptical look, and Merlin realized his cover story wasn't the best, since most herbs were prepared as a tea and anyway, if he’d known he was going to need the water, why wouldn’t he have just brought it down with him? The knight must've understood on some level, though, that his friend was really asking for privacy, or else he was just too worried to argue, because he nodded and left.

"Lance?" Merlin called when he was gone, approaching the cell door slowly and crouching down, as if trying not to startle an injured animal. "I think I can help you, but I need you to come over here."

"Merlin, I can't," came the pitiful reply. "I can't risk hurting you."

"What, and you think I can't defend myself? I'm far from helpless, as you of all people should know," he tried to reassure his friend. Normally Lancelot reacted strongly, even violently, to any insult about his friend’s strength or competence, but now, it seemed that even accusing the knight himself of underestimating the servant couldn’t prompt a reaction. Merlin switched to begging. "Please, Lancelot. Losing you would hurt me more than you yourself ever could. Don't make me go through that knowing I could have helped you. Come here ."

Slowly and reluctantly, the knight unfolded himself from the corner. Keeping Merlin's blanket pulled tightly around his shoulders, he shuffled over to the bars and knelt down on the other side from his friend. His hands stayed clenched so tightly around the edges of the blanket that his knuckles were white. Maybe he thought that if his hands stayed occupied, he wouldn't be able to reach through the bars and strangle anyone, or whatever other homicidal instinct the spell was creating in him.

"I'm going to reach through and touch your forehead now, alright?" he asked. Lancelot nodded, and when the servant's hand connected with the knight's forehead, he seemed incapable of resisting the urge to lean forward and press his head further into the contact. He may have been terrified of human touch at the moment, but that didn't mean he didn't need it. Merlin forced himself not to flinch at the unexpected movement and instead reached out with his magic to search for the spell plaguing his friend.

"There's something wrong," he said after a minute, his brows furrowing in confusion. Lancelot jolted at the statement and started to pull away before he reassured him. "No no no, not like that," he said. "Neither you or I are in any danger. In fact, I don't know if we ever were."

"What does that mean?" Lancelot asked. His eyes were wide: terrified and hopeful all in one. 

"You aren't cursed." Merlin couldn't feel a trace of malevolent magic anywhere in his friend's soul. He realized he hadn't touched Lancelot since they'd run into the witch. The knight hadn't let him; only Percival and Arthur, the two physically strongest members of their group, had been allowed to even get near him, and that was only to tie him up. Merlin fiercely regretted not insisting on examining Lancelot earlier; he could have saved all of them so much fear and time if he had only felt this earlier. 

"I don't think you ever were. Did you ever feel like you were cursed? Have any urges to harm anyone?" After a second's pause to consider it, he shook his head.

"I was scared of it, terrified, because hurting you is the last thing in the world that I wanted to do."

"I thought that there might be something different after it had been hours and you still seemed like yourself," Merlin admitted. He wouldn't say that the knight seemed normal, exactly, but he hadn't been acting like the warlock himself had acted under the effects of the fomorrah or as Elyan had when he'd been possessed. His fear and the instinct to isolate himself and protect his friends at every turn was a very Lancelot reaction. "All of the other victims had succumbed to apparent homicidal rages within a few hours; I knew the fact that yours was taking longer had to mean something. And when Gaius and I looked up the spell to find a cure, there was a word written down in it that I’m pretty sure the witch didn’t get a chance to say, and the spell cut off when she was killed. I don't think she finished the curse. You were never going to hurt any of us."

This statement, of all things, was the one to cause Lancelot to burst into tears. He released his death grip on the blanket to raise both hands to his face, covering his mouth and nose as he pressed his eyes closed. Merlin reached through the bars to hold him, deeply regretting not practicing that lock picking spell he'd found. Perhaps it was for the best, though, as Gwaine still held the key and would have found it suspicious for the door to be open when he returned with the hot water, which he did after just a minute. His reaction, however, to seeing Lancelot returning Merlin's grip on him through the bars, was unfortunate.

"Let go of him!" The knight, who was always over-protective of Merlin, shouted fiercely, drawing his sword with one hand while the other grabbed the back of the servant's collar to drag him away. Only letting go because he was startled, he tumbled backwards to the floor as Lancelot slumped against the bars of the cell.

"I wasn't hurting him, I swear," the imprisoned knight sobbed. Gwaine looked to Merlin, who was already scrambling to his feet, for confirmation.

"He wasn't. He's fine, he's not cursed anymore. Give me the keys."

"Are you sure?" Gwaine asked hesitantly, even as he handed the key over.

"Does it look like he's trying to kill me?" Merlin asked as he unlocked the cell door. Lancelot made no attempt to stand up and didn't even turn to face his friend when he dropped down to his knees next to him.

"It could be a ruse," the other knight suggested. "Trying to get us to let our guard down."

"It's not," Lancelot replied, choked up.

The emotion in his voice was such an odd combination of fear, relief, and simply being overwhelmed that it couldn't be faked, Gwaine decided. And he trusted Merlin, so he followed him into the cell and knelt down on Lancelot's other side. The knight grabbed the arm that he put around his chest as he hugged him, doing the same to Merlin's arm. Between the two of them, they practically hid him from the world as he cried in pure relief and residual fear. Admittedly, their eyes weren't exactly dry either. He exhausted himself quickly, and by the time Percival arrived for his shift to keep Lancelot company, he was slumped in their arms, though still awake.

"Is he-" the big knight asked, unable to finish his question for fear.

"I'm okay, Percy," Lance reassured him, struggling to sit up. Gwaine and Merlin helped him, and once standing he managed to stay that way, though he was still shaky from the relief. "It's over."

"Over?" Percival ducked in to help him when he stumbled.

"It's over," Merlin confirmed. Lancelot was thankful that he didn't explain that it had never actually been an issue. He knew his friends would be thankful that he was okay, as well as the fact that they hadn't been in danger from him, but he would be embarrassed for them to know that all the 'symptoms' of the curse, the weakness and shaking and aching stomach and crying, had just been caused by his anxiety over it. "Come on, let's get you up to my room where you can rest. It may be small, but it's still a lot more comfortable than this cell!"

Gwaine left to go inform the others of the development while Percival helped Lancelot up to Merlin's room. The big knight hugged his friend tightly and for a long time before finally letting him go so he could get some rest. Despite the fact that the bed should not have been big enough for both of them, Merlin crawled under the covers with Lancelot so he could hold him and stroke his hair.

"Are you feeling any better?" he asked gently.

"A little," Lancelot admitted, murmuring the answer against the taller man's chest. Merlin was the only person that he wasn’t embarrassed to show how afraid he was, and how terrible he still felt.

“That’s good. I’m sure a nap will help too, and then we can talk?” 

Lancelot grimaced, but he knew he wasn’t going to escape his friend wanting to have a conversation about what had happened, and that he was probably going to get called out on his self-destructive isolating behaviour. Hopefully after some rest he would feel more ready to face that. For now though, he was relieved that Merlin stayed with him, pulling him in close against his chest and stroking his hair until he managed to calm down enough to sleep.

#febuwhump2021 #febuwhumpday28 #you have to let me go #bbc merlin #fanfic #hurt lancelot #angst #friendship/love

[blackasmidnightcats]

QfG Rants and Remakes part 5

Big thanks to both @agathasarmy and @yarasquad for sharing their ideas with me and believing that I could actually make a coherent rant without being too swallowed up by my emotions and hopefully I'll be able to do the same here.

P.S. Imma change the title of the next Rants and Remakes cause it's definitely not focusing on QfG anymore and it's gonna focus of AWWP so yeah...there's that to look forward too.

Chaddick & Yara + Tagatha interlude

Note: This post was originally gonna be titled "Chaddick & Yara + Mourning the Departed" and would have turned out as how it is explained below but as I was writing about Chaddick I realized that I needed to talk about something concerning Tagatha and realized that this post would have been too long for all three so I gonna move the "Mourning of Departed" in its own post. Hope you guys understand. Tagatha has a strong pull with me.

Imma actually gonna outline this cause I need to organize my thoughts and at least with this I could remember the direction that I would be heading.

First part's definitely going to talk about how Chaddick and Yara's death is bs

Then imma explain why them staying alive would have impacted the TCY storyline a lot more meaningfully (p.s. this is where the Tagatha interlude will be found)

And last (and this has been moved to its own post so stay tuned for it), I would also like to nitpick Soman's obvious lack of thought when it comes to the characters that have departed (mainly Callis and Lady Lesso and August Sader) and how it should have affected the characters (mainly Sophie and Agatha)

How Chaddick and Yara could have helped the storyline better

WARNING: I realized while writing this that I kinda made Chaddick and Yara more flawed than they are writen because I have to think about their character growth and they can't have that without having any flaws. So expect some more drama with these two than needed as I share my thoughts on how their characters could have went. They get better in the end believe me.

So I think that everyone in the fandom is one with the idea that Chaddick's death was one of the MOST worst decisions that Soman made.

As @agathasarmy said it once, Chaddick's death is more frustrating than sad because of how out of nowhere it is.

Via @agathasarmy:

but… Chaddick??? dying??? IN THE BEGINNING OF THE SERIES????

IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE, AND THE ONLY WAY IT MAKE SENSE IS COS SOMAN OBVIOUSLY DID IT TO INTRODUCE RHIAN AND THATS THE SHITTIEST THING ABOUT IT

HE REDUCED CHADDICK’S DEATH AS A PLOT DOOR WITHOUT PROPERLY SUBSTANTIATING CHADDICK’S CHARACTER FIRST SO INSTEAD OF US TRULY MOURNING HIS LIFE WE’RE JUST LEFT WITH THIS HOLLOW FEELING OF WHAT HE COULD’VE BEEN AS AN INTEGRAL CHARACTER TO THE PLOT

THIS

Chaddick's death felt hollow because it was a PLOT DEVICE. It didn't (or at least Soman didn't) conscider Chaddick much of a character but a means and once this happens some deaths can be very very hollow.

Like his POV chapter was very hard to read all because especially once you find out that he's dead by the end of it (SHAME SOMAN, SHAME) because his story and plot had so much potential. We weren't able to properly feel sad about his lost because we didn't get to know him better.

It just feels tragic. So much potential lost, all because Soman wanted Tedros to feel vulnerable because he lost his close friend.

WHICH SOMAN DIDN'T REALLY NEED TO DO

I explained already why this is bull and I'm gonna explain later what could have happened for Chaddick's character.

But in summary on why Soman didn't need to do it: EXPECTATIONS

Chaddick and Tedros would have been stressed out with all the expectations and comparison with Arthur and Lancelot. One wrong move could have broke them apart easily.

But Soman could have also not wanted to deal with Chaddick against his Sophie obssession so there could be that too.

SHAME SOMAN

Now, Yara.

Our little Soft Girl

She should not have died.

She really shouldn't have

W h y ?

Because her being alive would have impacted the story more than her death ever did. Just like Chaddick.

And if the problem was what she could have affected in the storyline in TLEA, then she could have been on the sides like. . . as Tristan from time to time or something.

Her being alive would have not affected or change TLEA at all. Like if more important characters like the Coven and the League can fade into the background then so could she.

But I really don't imagine her being in the school for New Evil with Aric as Dean. No, maybe Yuba could have hidden her with the League and she could have accompanied Princess Uma when they were getting Tedros and Agatha and then accompanied the Leuge or something.

Really it would have been that simple. C'mon.

Plus Kiko has been reduced to wreck after that. At least, with Yara being alive she could have fixed herself a bit more.

Okay

So in summary again: CHADDICK AND YARA SHOULD NOT HAVE DIED AND SHAME ON SOMAN FOR KILLING THEM OFF

Now, let's get to the juicier part, what could these two have contributed to the TCY storyline.

On Chaddick

It's pretty obvious what Chaddick's role should have been. He should have been important to the plot because his role would have been about breaking the comparison between the Past and the Present (see Soman, it could have been integrated into your canon plot) between him, Tedros, and Agatha to Lancelot, Arthur, and Gwen.

I'm pretty sure that Camelot has its eyes on these three.

It's pretty freaking convenient that they all have a predecessor to be compared to. And I'm pretty sure that it's not just Camelot who notices the pattern. I mean the whole freaking Woods read about this affair.

So Chaddick, along with Tedros and Agatha, should have been the ones that break this chain. It could have symbolized that Camelot was entering into a new, better era after a similar relationship broke it.

Like, a King, his beloved Queen and his most trusted Knight brought hope but ended in a Tragedy.

Now, another King, his beloved Queen and his most trusted Knight are skeptically judged for having the same pattern and they instead bring the Glory that first trio didn't

With Tedros, Agatha, and Chaddick united with each other bringing Camelot out of its traumatic experience with Tedros's parents, Camelot finally accepting that these three are not the same as Arthur, Gwen, and Lance and fully supporting them DESPITE the fear, would have been a much stronger message of that 'the past doesn't always repeat itself.'

Because with Rhian being known and most propably remembered as Tedros's most trusted Knight and betraying him in the end, it's like a copy of what Lance technically did to Arthur.

It just further proved that Camelot's King would always be betrayed by the ones they trust most.

Sadly for Arthur, he was betrayed by both Gwen and Lance and they left him alone.

While Tedros still has Agatha but without Chaddick the lesson simply is not learned.

Chaddick was integral to this formula because Camelot would have had to face yet another propable tragedy for their beloved King in the hands of the people he loves. With Tedros, Agatha, and Chaddick, complete, proving that they could do better despite having just a strong a bond as what Arthur and co had and Camelot accepting and trsuting this, the previous wounds would be replaced with new Hope.

Because even if that whole affair happened and ruined the Kingdom, at least they have proof that it's not always gonna happen that way.

And that's why Rhian being remembered as Tedros's Knight hurts this idea. Cause he betrayed him too.

Anyway, hopefully I made my point with this legacy thing.

Plus Chaddick and Arthur's Round Table training him. WHY SOMAN WHY?!?!?!

And now, imma explain what I think should have happened with Chaddick and how his character development and his role should have played out.

Because Chaddick is a pretty well rounded character, his POV chapter proves that he's brave, and is willing to die for his friends and what's right, and there isn't really much flaws to him aside from that he can sometimes make the most worst decisions despite being pretty wise.

I honestly cannot tell if he is stupid sometimes or Soman just does this to him cause PLOT.

Fandom I need help with this. Give me some opinions.

Like. . . he's wise enough to know what was right, examples being warning Tedros about Sophie and the first to listen to Agatha in AWWP, but also dumb or ignorant enough to bully Agatha in Book 1 and that VERY IMPORTANT THING ABOUT completely ABUSING Tedros is AWWP.

Like I'm kinda confused with him.

Well maybe we can say that he's a bit ignorant and maybe was raised with privilege so that's why he bullied Agatha in Book 1 and kinda wisened up in Book 2 about her.

But I am not excusing his attitude towards Tedros in AWWP because that was messed up. Well, AWWP was messed up so there is that but if we have to acknowledge that mess and have some closure then I vote for it to come from Chaddick and Yara.

Like maybe the reason why Chaddick is more wise now is because of that very experience. Maybe he could still be a bit guilty about it and that kinda messes with his mind cause he still thinks that Tedros is still the same boy those years ago in their second year and Rhian uses this to his advantage.

Actually, thinking about it this makes so much sense.

Like instead of AGATHA having the trust issues (thought I wouldn't completely vanish it, just not at the same level as she does in canon) it's CHADDICK that has them. Cause he's always kinda gets haunted by what happened in AWWP.

I mean Tedros replaced him with ARIC of all people when he failed to retrieve Agatha. There has to be some animosity between them since. I can imagine that Chaddick kinda felt like him and Tedros could never be as close as when they were during their first year. And he would totally understand it if Tedros never really forgave him for what happened and was at peace with it even if he didn't have enough guts to find a closure for it. He'd respect his friend first and foremost.

But then comes Tedros, all fine and inviting him to be his Knight like that would mess Chaddick up.

He propably couldn't believe it at first and maybe even kindly refused the offer at first but then he sees the heart break in Tedros's face and Chaddick realizes that Tedros really wanted this.

Tedros still sees Chaddick as his closest friend despite what happened in AWWP. And maybe after some thinking, Chaddick realizes that he still wants to have the bond with Tedros like what they had in Book 1. So he accepts.

But of course, they've changed and Chaddick still gets eaten by guilt because I think that he's the kind of person that knows that he did something wrong and wants to repent for it.

So instead of that wise friend that Tedros had in Book 1, Chaddick can't trust his judgement about Tedros because he's scared he'd go too far. So he kinda just agrees to Tedros's ideas and doesn't really give advice. Tedros kinda notices this and tries to talk to Chaddick about it but Chaddick would be all formal to him. Tedros, I don't really know, would think that it would be for his sake with the comparison with Arthur and Lance and all. So he kinda just goes along with it.

It's messy right now guys, I know, I'm kinda butchering Chaddick's character here but I promise it gets better and in my mind he'd be like this for only Book 4. He'd be Wise Chaddick again right after. Just give me a chance to explain.

So they have this kind of miscommunication thing that Canon Tagatha had in QfG instead and that would have made so much more sense and here's why;

Warning: this is officially where the Tagatha interlude starts so if you wanna skip it (why though???) find the sign that states it's the end. It's gonna be in pink too.

The fact that Tagatha was having a miscommunication failure was kinda off with me because 1) they've been over this in AWWP and TLEA. In TLEA Tedros has absolutely no problem with pushing Agatha to share more when she wouldn't and 2) he could easily read her like a book, especially when it counts. Like he could get her favorite food wrong but he always seemed to know what Agatha was having trouble with and was there to help her out and is not afraid to call her out on it (i.e. the Cinderella thing, he was on point there)

Imma provide some examples of Tedros totally getting Agatha when it counts;

AND THIS

AND THIS TOO

WAIT THERE IS MORE (The Tagatha Moment)

AND LET US NOT FORGET

THIS IS WHY TLEA TAGATHA WILL ALWAYS BE BEST TAGATHA.

I get that Agatha's insecure about herself and maybe she was kinda influenced with the Excalibur thing (but I highly doubt it though) but it's no reason for her to get to the conclusion she did at the end of QfG.

I mean girl, you were always thinking that Tedros would be a Great King in TLEA and that's why you've been so insecure about yourself. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT???

Someone call me out on this PLEASE. I'm hurting myself by judging her too hard.

I can imagine that she would be sceptical with Tedros's ideas and kinda doubting him about it (you guys have no idea how much it hurts typing this) but I can also imagine that she would never doubt that Tedros's heart is in the right place even if she thinks that the way he gets there isn't always the best.

Like we have literal proof that Tedros gets Agatha almost like Sophie does and the best thing is that I'm sure that Tedros would think of the best in mind.

The mess in QfG makes no sense because they should be over this miscommunication bs and it should not have been a thing.

And if it was because of the stress with Excalibur and his responsibilities as King that made Tedros suddenly not get Agatha then WTF Soman!?!?!? I did not ask for this. They were literally about to die in TLEA and yet they could still joke and tease each other and have these cute little scenes with the other.

Instead I got Rhian's b*tch ass being Tedros's therapists when he knows sh*t about this boy and Agatha doubting Tedros like he did something horrible. (Well he did for trusting Rhian but i digress)

I could have had more of these cute Tagatha scenes instead. Like, is it too much to ask for these two to just show their love for each other in other ways than "I will save you" and "You're the best thing ever and I don't want to lose you for this horrible thing that I did or say" like give me small softer moments anytime.

Tedros gently teasing Agatha when she's being difficult and Agatha being totally trying not to show that she's smitten over it.

Agatha trying to be romantic at the most outrageous moments and Tedros being like "?????" but totally finding it cute.

Other character just not getting these two when they do and they are just as confused.

These are the kind of scenes I wanted from them. And if I have to use Chaddick to get it then so be it. (I'm sorry about this, I'm mostly projecting at this point and these really affecting my personal opinions on this matter but I'll try to tone it down a bit so that it's still coherent)

Note: this is the official end of the Tagatha interlude but i'm not keeping any promises that it'll be the last

Anyways, Chaddick and Tedros, they have more reasons with having communication problems because;

They have not been together for a very long time and they've both propably changed since

AWWP. So far, the two of them have had horrible experiences as the last thing that they remember about each other.

As I explained, I headcanon that Chaddick has a somewhat formed a sort of PSTD with it and is very scared that he's gonna mess it up.

I'm not even going to try to explain the PSTD thing cause I feel like I'm not gonna do it justice but I hope you get what I mean.

Chaddick must have become more unsure of himself after AWWP and he must still be trying to fit this new Tedros with the old one that he used to hang out with in Book 1. It would have been a good comparison to show that Tedros has indeed change and grown since then.

Like Chaddick kinda feels like he needs to intervene when Tedros shares a very outrageous suggestion but doesn't know how and kinda ends up in a mess.

Basically imagine Tagatha's problems in QfG and apply to Tedros and Chaddick instead.

And Chaddick would have been suspiscious about Rhian from the beginning. He's a smart savy guy afterall.

So Rhian kinda exploits this and gets the two boys against each other. Because say that Tedros and Chaddick have this big fight propably like the one when Agatha comments that Tedros was being a horrible king but Chaddick's the one that said it instead. Say that this happens around the middle of the Book and it's the final straw between them because they haven't been properly communicating and all the pressure on them. Rhian could easily worm his way to Tedros's side and replace Chaddick nicely. Cause unlile Chaddick, Rhian would make Tedros believe that HE'S the one that believes in him the most.

So they kinda fall apart and Chaddick and Tedros are trying to understand where it all went wrong.

Agatha would try to understand each side and get them to better terms again but she can't do it alone plus a-hole Rhian is butting in.

I imagine that, for me, the logical person that Chaddick might approach on his dilema with Tedros might be Ravan.

Cause the two of them basically think the same way and are usually calm and wise. The only difference would be that Chaddick's more active while Ravan's more passive and choses to observe before making a move. So he calms Chaddick down when he's being too impatient.

Chaddick and Agatha would be talking of course. And I don't know why but I imagine that they're more numb to all the gossip about the three of them especially around each other because they're both sort of level headed and wise then when they're with Tedros individually.

And I imagine this is where the Tagatha drama happens. Only after Rhian cause I wanna be clear that without him, Tagatha would have been fine. He also tries to break them up by saying that Agatha sides with Chaddick and that she doesn't have much faith in Tedros too.

Agatha's going to deny this of course (because it's all bs from Rhian) but Tedros has been too stressed and vulnerable that he sorta starts to believe it and Agatha gets frustrated that Tedros is choosing to believe Rhian when she's known him longer and after everything that they've been through.

But Tedros isn't fully under Rhian's spell. I would have put several times when they would doubt each other especially when Rhian talks crap about Agatha and Chaddick and it would be beserk button for Tedros so Rhian doesn't really go there.

Now Chaddick would be having his little personal battle with himself and Ravan and Agatha would be there to support him and give some advice.

The real kicker would have been when Rhian is adored by Camelot as Tedros's Treasured Knight, someone better than Lancelot and Chaddick kinda has a heartbreaking moment because HE'S supposed to be the one that was known as Tedros's Treasured Knight not this stranger. Not this stranger that stole everything from him especially his best friend.

Agatha hears about this and reflects the time when she gave up her own position as Tedros's queen in TLEA and remembers that Tedros knows her and all her monsters and has been the light to help her fight them.

So she and Chaddick have this talk and she tries to concinve him that Tedros wouldn't want for Chaddick to just give up on him like that. Chaddick thinks about it but is still not completely convinced but Agatha reminds him that Tedros CHOOSE HIM to be his Knight and Liege and they both have to fight for it.

It's Ravan who finally manages to get Chaddick to gear when he asks Chaddick if he's going to regret anything he should choose to either regret letting Tedros go and not fighting for their friendship or make a complete idiot of himself but fight for their friendship instead.

So Chaddick does the latter but everything is too late and the Rhian thing happens as I explained in the first Rants and Remakes post and Chaddick gets tossed into jail with Tedros.

It's in book 5 that I imagine their relationship actually starts to heal itself and they both try to get through everything. I haven't thought of all the kinks out yet but I imagine a lot of fights and Chaddick just kinda shouting what he thinks before he startsvthe regret it and Tedros being this physic and just getting Chaddick too like how he does Agatha.

Again, I haven't thought of everything yet but I'll share it when I do

Now let's move on to Yara

On Yara

Yara would have been more influencial alive then dead and I already explained why how she could have been handled in TLEA cause where I really see exploiting her is in the storyline of TCY.

With the Balance vs Chaos in mind as well as the Lady of the Lake villainess plotline, Yara could have been the answer to this.

She'd be a living reminder of everything that all the characters went through in AWWP and how horribly toxic it is to everyone. Especially those like Yara who lives in the between.

Like with the Lady plotline she would have promoted ultimate purity for both Good and Evil and doesn't believe that each side could be able to understand each other so she thinks that she's promoting Balance that way and that letting each side corrupt the other is Chaos.

She would have believed that Yara is an abomination to the Balance because she is the embodiment of the idea that you can choose some charcteristic from two sides and still be yourself.

Plus with Yara alive the other characters would be forced to rethink their ideals and how to approach this new possibility and reflect on the old ways that have been hurting the ones that are similar to her.

I imagine that Yara's gonna have an internal struggle with this like she's still trying to understand it herself and as she tries to understand it the more that the other characters do as well.

I haven't actually thought out her actual detailed storyline just yet and even though I wanna say more I know that I might butcher her character as I go on but I definitely know her importance to the possible story.

As I explained before, if in TSY was Good VS Evil and that the TCY was about Good AND Evil and how both sides need each other to grow and develop and that the importance of the School still teaching Good and Evil in its most purest form is so that they'd all have a guideline to go by but the curriculum has become more flexible with their beliefs OF Good and Evil and that every student just have shades of grey but choses to go by these either of the two and can still be a Hero or a Villain then Yara could have been the right person to show that it doesn't matter if your not completely on one side and was given the characteristics of the other, it matters what values you choose to follow despite it and how tou choose to use it to help everyone else for the better.

Cause it's canon already that it doesn't matter what they are, it's what they do that counts.

NGL I'm not completely satisfied with how I explained Chaddick and Yara I feel like I didn't do them justice here and I will definitely get back to this when I have organized and fleshed out my thoughts on them

Anyways, if you guys would like to add your own thoughts to this post pls do.

#tedros #agatha #sge #sfgae #tsfgae #the school for good and evil #school for good and evil #soman chainani #chaddick of foxwood #chaddick #yara of avalon towers #tristan of avalon towers #tagatha #agatha of woods beyond #agatha of camelot #tedros of camelot #I personally feel like this was messy and not as detailed as the rest #sorry guys but gonna do them justice #once i've fixed my thoughts m

[mayareth]

School Days AU Cradlesona

The event is here, yay! I’ll do Margareth first, since she is my ”real” Cradlesona, but maybe I’ll do a school days version of Cassiopée and Grace too later.

Year/Course: 2nd-year political science degree with a minor in law.

Favourites Subjects: International relationships and History of politics (and everything to do with foreign languages, history and geography in general).

Least Favourites Subjects: Philosophy and General political economy (and everything to do with math, science and art in general).

Affiliated Organizations: Association of Political Science and Administration Students (APSAS) and Union of the Students of Cradle Central University (USCCU it defends the student's rights and organise diverse events and protests).

Student History: She had the opportunity to enter to the Cradle Central University thanks to the Godspeed family recommendation. Her adoptive parents hadn't enough money to pay her a five-year cycle so she chose to go for the three-year cycle. However, her teachers saw how hard she worked and offered to help her to access to the full cycle. Margareth is also one of the leaders of the USCCU.

Student Life: Everyone sees her as a very organized person, thanks to her good grades, but that's not the case AT ALL. Margareth tends to work late at night to finish her work on time and she often starts to prepare them very late. Margareth doesn't go to party regularly but she will gladly attend to some if she is invited to by other students. Encourage the students to protest when they are not respected or heard by the head of the university or by the government. Will gladly volunteers on charity projects (often with Grace). Margareth will barely sleep during the exam session but once it’s over, she will spend all her free mornings in bed!

Study Habits: Start to study around 8 pm so doesn't get much sleep (5 hours maximum per day during the exam session). Margareth hates to summarize her lessons so she will prefer to study the entire book than to rewrite something shorter. Has some difficulties to take notes during the classes since she doesn't want to use abbreviations. Saturday is a no-work day for her, apart from the ones during the exams. Margareth’s greatest fear is to have to do group projects. She can't stand no to be in total control of her work. If it's good, she wants the compliments all for herself but if it's a fail, she is willing to take the entire responsibility and never have to drag the others into her mess. Also, she doesn't want any other deadlines than the one where the project has to be hand over to the teacher. With the years passing by, Margareth learnt to manage her anxiety. Still, she will act as if she was stressed before an exam while she is pretty calm compared to certain students. She is that girl who will study a little AND very late at night but have better marks than yours.

Relationships:

1. With the other characters

Ray Blackwell: They attend some classes together (foreign languages and philosophy) and got close pretty fast since they got paired to do the first group project and are from the same faction. Both are members of the USCCU. They can often be found together in the library, reading, sharing books and researching information. Run into each other at parties (it was more likely Fenrir who arranged things to make them meet every time they hang out). They finally started to date each other after a fancy ball at the end of their first year at university.

Lancelot Kingsley: Despite being close to the Red faction (while she is more of a Black girl), he is a good friend of Margareth. They often work together for group projects since they attend to nearly all of their classes together (when Lance come to school of course). Both of them are really appreciated by their teachers and are among the best students of all their promotion. A lot of lunchtimes are spent together, debating different issues of society (it makes Ray jealous sometimes).

Fenrir Godspeed: He knew Margareth before going to the university since he often goes at her bookshop with his family and stayed friend with her since then. Try to drag her to parties and desperately want Ray to confess his feelings for her. Margareth sometimes workout and go running with him. Both Ray and her attempt to make Fenrir eating tomatoes.

Jonah Clemence: He was jealous of Margareth at first, seeing her spending so much time with Lance but once he got to know her best, she became a member of his very close circle of friends. They train together to improve the way they speak to a large crowd. Jonah and Margareth also always eat a millefeuille together for their birthday tea time.

Luka Clemence: Margareth went to talk with him because she needed some cooking tips and advice to keep a healthy vegetarian diet. She heard he was one of the best students in his major (Jonah also mentioned him a couple of times). He was very shy at the beginning but then he opened up to Margareth and found themselves cooking together pretty often. Despite knowing she is a friend of his hatred old brother, Luka talks quite often with her because he is aware Margareth won't repeat anything compromising to the future Queen of Hearts.

2. With my other Cradlesonas

Grace: They don't attend the same classes at all (since Grace is studying surgery) but they see each other at parties and, more importantly, at charity events and during USCCU meeting, as Grace is also one of the leaders of the union. We can't say they got along very well at the beginning, Margareth judging the future Lady Clemence as superficial and haughty and Grace seeing the future Lady Blackwell as boring and cold. As they got to organize meeting together, they started to talk more often and became really good friends, seeing each other nearly every day, chatting about the way their day had gone or even gossiping sometimes.

Cassiopée: They were designated to be roommates from their first day at Cradle Central University. Despite having opposite personalities and major orientations (Cassiopée is studying engineering), they quickly became close friends, sharing everything from clothes to secrets. In the end, they even found out their boyfriends were best friends. They work out together several times per week and Cassiopée sometimes help Margareth during charity events (despite the fact she doesn't appreciate Grace). Cassiopée also made small weapons for Margareth in case she got assault when she is alone.

Uniforms:

They evolute depending on which year you’re in and on your faction (Black/Neutral/Red). You can choose but you don't belong to an army while you’re at the university. Fights aren’t allowed and all the teachers must keep neutral opinions! However, since Margareth is on a political science degree, I thought most of the students of this option, at least, must already have an opinion about which side they’re in.

First three years:

Black Faction - Red Faction - Neutral

Two last years:

Black Faction - Red Faction - Neutral

FINALLY!!!! I’m so late and I have the worst excuse in the world: I was lost in the uniforms. I really wanted all the factions to be equals and it took me DAYS to find the perfects uniforms. Also, I know I shouldn't have included factions but that was so tempting! Hope it's not too late, I’ll try to do Grace and/or Cassiopée this month and even to write a fic (maybe even NSFW, who knows?)

Tagging @lovingsiriusoswald and @emeraldtawny since it’s based on her University AU Headcanons

#ikerev #school days cradlesona #university au #margareth #my cradlesona #my writing #I’m so late #it’s like the last day of the event #I’ve been busy with my student job and... #perfectionism got me again #hope it pleases you though