#but my god i am so goddamn tired and i cannot stop thinking about all the shit im going through | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

incarnateirony · 1 month

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she is somehow still not fucking listening

YOU LADY WITH THE HOOVES AND THE CRYSTALS AND WHATEVER!!!!!!! BEAR SKIN MAYA

YOU'RE THE CONSUMERIST I HAVE TRIED TO GIVE REAL TOOLS AND YOU ARE REFUSING

THERE'S A REASON I HAVE BEEN LAUGHING ABOUT YOU SPITTING ON CRYSTALS AND PISSING ON PENDANTS. YOU!! IT'S YOU!!!

TOOLS THAT AREN'T JUST ROLEPLAY TRINKETS. YOUR OWN INNER STRENGTH.

you are CONFESSING RIGHT THERE THAT YOU FEEL LIKE A LOST NEWBIE BUT STILL WANT TO ACT LIKE ANYBODY'S FUCKING PAID GUIDE

magic does have rules, sorry to break it to you sweetie. Well, magic that actually like, works. If you're just using it as the word "Stuff i belief in but don't understand" with no actual goal of reality, then sure, no rules, do what you want.

because right fucking now, this isn't someone being an elitist. This is me yelling at you to GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME, I DO NOT CONSENT, STOP

lady the only person that has you fucked up at the end of the day is you, and your refusal to remove your head from my ass.

LITERALLY FUCKING NOBODY IS FORCING YOU TO SURRENDER YOURSELF TO ME LIKE THIS, I AM LITERALLY TRYING TO FUCKING FORCE THE OPPOSITE.

FUCKING JUST HOP OFF OF IT ALREADY YOU WHINY BITCH, YOU LITERALLY DID ALL OF THIS TO YOURSELF, YOUR PENIS PACIFIER PRIVILEGES ARE BEING REVOKED, DEAL WITH IT

the fucking WORST PART IS THIS ONGOING FUCKING DIAPERCOPE OF YOURS IS YOU TRYING TO ARGUE WITH THE ESSENCE OF **THIS**

if YOU fucked YOURSELF up bad enough that you have NO EARTHLY UNDERSTANDING OF MAGIC WITHOUT A SHADOW OF ME, that is LITERALLY A PERSONAL FUCKING PROBLEM FOR YOU TO WORK OUT.

all i'm hearing out of this post is that Shea may very well need to fucking hang up her witch hat, because she thinks taking away my shadows takes away all magic from her, and if so, maybe she ain't cut out for this. nobody is forcing you to be a witch building a cult to me.

LISTEN SHEA I KNOW YOU STILL LOVE ME AND I KNOW YOU CAN'T REPAY THE MONEY YOU OWE ME BY CHARGING IN MY NAME, BUT THAT'S FUCKING FINE, JUST FUCKING HOP OFF IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!!! JUST LET US GOOOO WHY ARE YOU BEING EVERY WEIRD ROLEPLAY STALKER OF HIS EVER

no seriously lady, the only reason it feels like I'm trying to take all magic from you, is because you built your entire life around echoes of me, and then fucking REFUSED to fucking hop off my dick in any turn of the phrase, and now your literal whole life is fucked up, but that's your fault, not mine.

If you look around your pantheon and practice and realize there's a reason you're hearing me as all your gods while pretending that isn't what's happening, and you're just seeing copies of my faces you've been calling to, that's... that's you. You fucked up. So stop changing your tumblr blog, acknowledge you said you were on the wrong path, and turn the fuck around, stop doubling down.

When people make posts like "no rules in magic" those are like. motivational posters for 14 year olds wanting to learn, and feeling bad because they can't buy your pissed on pendants. And people trying to give them hope forward.

You're not supposed to clip that fucking line, ignore the rest, and build your entire jenga ass theory on it. You are a middle aged witch that spent almost 20 years in contact with someone that became a high magus, and refused to actually learn a goddamn thing from him, and did your driving backwards shit, and now we're here, in a cosmic acme trap erasing you if you don't fucking listen while you whine that you still need my dick training wheels to learn to ride the bike, but also try to pretend you're qualified to run a business.

Like no, I'm tired of being everybody's favorite fucking bicycle because a grownassed woman would rather play with delusion dolls than face reality. We gave you mercy and I tried to block out and ignore you, and you took that mercy and turned it into relentless stalking campaigns to fuck up my real life so no, it's done, the bike is over you, go away.

YOU CANNOT BOTH BE THE SAGE AND THE NEOPHYTE, FUCKING PICK ONE

i told you from JUMP you were completely capable of learning or relearning, but you are literally fucking refusing to, because the truth is too hard for you to admit.

youtube

Have a note from John, my 20 year friend and business investor you spent six months stalking to "warn" about me

You will find no witchblr post, anywhere, that says you can Magic your way into having lived the life, or having the soul, of your ex husband. It doesn't work like that, vague "no rules" snippets or not. Not even if you Belief really hard, not even if you Transphobic Disassociate To The Cosmic Degree. You literally cannot fucking roleplay me back into your life. And that's why you kept trying to harass me back into it too.

There's a motherfucking reason I couldn't "channel" or click with the fucking goddesses, Shea. Work it the fuck out, this truly should not be this complicated, I know I've given you brain damage during this but JESUS CHRIST.

PROTIP - THAT MEANS ASH TOO. WHATEVER FUCKING LABEL OF THE DAY YOU'VE GIVEN HIM

YOU KNOW. LIKE GAELIC FUCKING PAN. AND YOUR DEAD STAG. AND YOUR SPIRAL FLOWER JESUS CHRIST WOMAN IT IS LITERALLY YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

You know, Ash!! The one that anyone else got flattened by any time they tried to "channel" him and instead I got a bunk leg and prophetic spine damage, years before I had that actual damage. That guy????????

But... but that would mean I'm intensely powerful and have screamed so loud at you that I was the monster in the woods that shit bricks and tore up a forest like fifteen years ago, while another part of me literally grabbed you and fucking threw you to run, because you were being a stubborn ass. A new tree grown in a ring of destruction, almost instantly.

Yes. I don't know if you motherfucking noticed, starlight, but that is literally the plot right now.

"EXPENSIVE TOOLS" SAYS THE WOMAN THAT CHARGES PEOPLE FOR FRAUDULENT SERVICES WHILE I AM TRYING TO TEACH HER THAT THE ONLY TOOL SHE NEEDS IS HERSELF, WITHOUT ME.

#THE SONG IS FOR YOU #HERE I AM #LISTEN TO THE FUCKING LYRICS

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moonnue · 9 months

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I am so beyond caring about my art being reposted. Partially in a "I actually think it's nice" way and half in a "I cannot 100% prevent this from happening" way

It's like. First of all, I think art is meant to be shared. It's why I share it. And I'll admit, it gives me warm fuzzies when I see someone sharing it, like, oh my god! They vibed with my art! AND they're sharing it! That's awesome! The only thing I can hope for is one of two things: 1. It's literally linked back to wherever they got it from (like sharing through my tumblr or DA link) OR it at LEAST has my name in the credits. I think that alone is what is necessary.

Meanwhile, I'm also the kind of person that WILL NOT share reposted artwork, even if it is credited. I don't know what the artist thinks!! Idk their rules!! And I want to respect that! Regardless of how I personally feel about reposting does not override others artists opinions of it-- their feelings are valid, and should be respected.

But then we come back down to, like, there are so many people sharing art that just. Do not care. It's like they think art appears out of thin air, like the internet made it, like, you know, how ai-generated content is (sort of-- that's still theft at the end of the day.) They're like "pretty picture!! I want to share this!!" and do so without consideration for the artist.

Sometimes, though, it's like. It's not even malicious. It's just ignorant. And, I hope, there are people when told politely, they'll apologize and become more respectful next time. And then there are people that truly just Do Not Give A Shit. And that's where I just stop caring. It's suuuuuuuuuuuch a chore to be constantly monitoring my shit and checking where it goes. I do not have the time. I think that, you know, shit that gets posted on the internet does have the inevitability of being perceived by others who the content was never meant for, whether by sharing with credit or not. I think the only way that I can truly make sure my content never gets shared without my permission is just not sharing it in the first place.

This isn't an argument in favor of art thieves, by the way. I'ma still side eye those bitches and speak ill of them. It's just...... as an artist, I'm tired. There's only so much I can do about my own content. Respect artists, ask permission, be polite. Be cool. But goddamn it's hard out here.

#op onions

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manogirl · 7 months

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Rewatch Wednesday: On Loving -- and Hating -- 2gether

I have a 2gether problem. The problem is that my brain is almost always prodding me to rewatch 2gether, and I don't even LIKE 2gether. Or that's what I've been saying about 2gether for a while now. My original review (in my terrible google doc) is "7/10, terrible show, loved it." And I am all for holding 2 diametrically opposed truths in your mind, so that review isn't weird to me. What's weird is that a few months after that (exact timeline unknown) I started framing it as "I can't stop watching this show, and I hate this show."

And I do firmly believe that there's a lot to hate about 2gether. Khaotung Thanawat is WASTED as a brilliant actor, for instance. Bright and Win can't, for even 2 seconds, seem to want to kiss each other. Green is. UGH. Green is ugh. A terribly written character. The directing is meh, because someone should have been able to pull something out of Win Metawin. Anything! One emotion. The 11th-13th episodes are entirely 100% without a motherfucking doubt unnecessary. (Though I cannot do without the bits where Sarawat explains how he acted when away from Tine and talking to his friends about Tine. I love non-aloof Sarawat so much.)

The other thing is that I don't have a tie to 2gether like some fans do; for many people, it seems to be the show that got them into BL, so they have an affection for it I don't have. I definitely *understand how* that feels, because I feel that way about Bad Buddy. I love Bad Buddy and will never tire of watching it, either in little snippets or in giant gulps of hours of watching. I don't have that attachment to 2gether (though sometimes I wonder fondly what would have happened if I had discovered BL at the beginning of the pandemic), so my brain's frantic need to watch doesn't make sense from that angle.

But my god, there are moments in the show I just cannot get enough of:

the aforementioned scenes when Sarawat is so so excited about finding Tine

Fong drunkenly kicking Tine in the face; in fact, all the drunk scenes are excellent and I adore them

Though I think Win has a hard time pulling it off, the scene when Sarawat tells Tine how he really feels, and then Tine confesses how he's been missing Tine

Those goddamn soccer jerseys

The product placement juice bottle notes (!!!!!)

Bright in general; I think his acting is miles better than Win's, and I think he's playing Sarawat as a gay man, which I like

Okay fine, I like looking at Bright and Win. They are very attractive men.

(Here is where I confess there is a thing I do when I love a BL in a specific certain way: I call the two main protagonists "dummies". Like, "I love these dummies so much." Or "What are these adorable dummies doing?" Or "These men are my dummies and I love them." If I say a sentence that has that kid of cadence with the word dummies in it, my husband knows that I'm watching (and loving) a BL. But not all shows elicit this response! I have never once said about Pat and Pran: "Would you look at these dummies?" (affectionate) It isn't about the intelligence of the characters though, because the last time I spoke this way about two characters was for HIStory 3: MODC and neither one is unintelligent in any way. I don't know why this is a thing I do; it just is.)

Anyway, Sarawat and Tine were my first dummies, and I love them so much and I can't explain it. Because I also hate them and their inability to so much as have one carnal thought about one another. But I love their silly little faces so much and really wish I could smush them together. 2gether. But they're the worst. The absolute worst.

How many weeks will I go without another rewatch?

#2gether #sarawattine #bright vachirawit #win metawin #gmmtv #thai bl #khaotung thanawat

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korasonata · 1 year

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Story time: AKA, how my mornings going.

We got the storm of the century overnight. Snow plastered against the door, roads aren’t plowed, we live on a side street that doesn’t get plowed. The type of storm we got was something called thunder snow, which is extremely rare. This is essentially a thunderstorm with snow instead of rain, meaning not only is it snowing like a bitch but there is now also crazy ass lightning everywhere. Roommate has a 4am shift and almost an hour drive to work.

Roomate wakes me up at 3:00 in the morning because we are snowed in and her car is stuck in the driveway. Me, still in pyjamas, throws on a jacket, grabs a shovel and starts digging. Dead quiet outside. Dark as all hell. It’s 3:00 in the bloody morning. Struggled with it for about an hour before we manage to unbury it enough to get it out of the driveway to where it promptly gets stuck 2 feet up the road. Context, we also live at the top of a massive god damn hill (also not plowed), at the bottom of which is a set of stop lights and an intersection. We are literally just trying to get the car back into the driveway at this point, debating calling a tow truck to move us 2 goddamn feet, if we had to do that hill today we were going RIGHT through that intersection, green light or no.

Have pulled out an ice scraper and am now physically scraping the pavement trying to get the tires some form of traction, enough that we can simply move it back to the driveway. Snow is so deep I can barely walk. Have fallen over so many times and my pyjamas are now completely covered in snow. Finally manage to get the car to move forward, at which point I am horrified to try to put it in reverse because we’ve now been out here for an hour and a half and I don’t want it to get stuck again. I’m the one in the car now, my roommate physically pushing the car from behind when I finally get it to move, and I decide my best bet is to just keep it moving. So now there’s me behind the wheel, car shaking and sliding and revving ferociously with it’s just barely gained traction as I drive it around the block, and me praying against all odds that the rest of the goddamn city it still asleep because I literally cannot stop if another car happens to be coming the other way when I go to make the turns at each intersection of road. Roommate is stood outside the house watching the clock debating if she needs to come after me on foot and dig me out on the next street over. Don’t even have my phone on me because I wasn’t expecting to be outside at 3:00 in the morning.

Finally get the car back into the driveway. It’s now 4:30 am, roommate was supposed to be at work half an hour ago, I’m not supposed to start till 9 but my car is now blocked in by hers and lord knows we aren’t trying to move that again. I’ve done my best to shovel out the driveway but it’s still snowing and most of what I started is already covered back in again. At which point we decide we are both taking a snow day and calling in to work, go back inside, put on the kettle. It’s 5 am, I’m boiling us tea, roommate’s made us a platter of grapes and cheese. Roommate’s already called in to work, they were very understanding. We are watching Ratatouille.

7am, haven’t slept. Been up since 3:00 shovelling bloody snow. Not supposed to start till 8:45, but figure I’ll give the boss an early heads up that I will not be coming in today as I physically cannot leave my house. Am also now hella tired and am looking forward to simply sleeping for the rest of the day because I’ve now been up all night.

Manager picks up the phone. I explain all of the above. Tell her that I’ve been up since 3 am shovelling snow, car got stuck on the road, just barely managed to get it back into the driveway, they still haven’t plowed and are likely not going to, I physically cannot get out of the driveway, I don’t think it’s safe to drive right now. She goes “well keep trying, call again in 3 hours to let me know for sure”

What…would you like me to do? Shovel the entire goddamn road? Walk 2 and a half hours in knee deep snow? Descend from the sky’s via helicopter?

8am, get a text from my father. He’s warning me how bad the roads are, giving me the heads up that I’ll need to get up early to shovel if I have to work today. Spectacular advice. Why the hell didn’t I think of that.

He suggests I take the bus, as he knows my streets are never plowed and I likely won’t get my car through (truth). Closest bus stop is over 2 kilometres away, no idea when it comes, streets and sidewalks are still not plowed, not even sure the buses are running today.

Is now 8:30 am. Have been up since 3 am. Have already attempted to call in to work, I just want to sleep for 10 bloody minutes. At which point my father goes “stay there, I’ll come drive you to work”. Which gives me half an hour to be up, dressed, packed an overnight bag, and taken precisely one bite of a 3 day old pastry that I found in the kitchen before I’m once again trudging through the snow because I have to walk to my dads car 2 blocks over because roads are still not plowed.

9:30 am. Get to work. Have reached a state of exhaustion where I am so tired that I almost have energy. I brought a giant ass thermos of the strongest caffeinated tea I own. I also bought 2 Monster energy drinks, each of which contains about 160mg’s of caffeine. Why the fuck are there so many customers here.

10:45 am. Manager has already given me 2 carts of stock to do and plans for more. Have just barely managed to finish the paperwork, which miraculously, by whatever grace of higher power there is, all managed to be in order for once. It’s still relatively slow, have only had a couple of drop offs and a guy buying an envelope for a birthday card, but that’s it. Am praying against all odds that nobody wants to ship anything Priority Worldwide today. I’ve discovered 6 days worth of mail transfers that haven’t been touched because lord knows I’m the only person who ever does any goddamn paperwork.

11:30 am. Starts getting busy. Had a customer with the most complicated order on the planet. He’s picking up, dropping off, shipping out to multiple different countries, he’s got customs owing on his package, he needs a return envelope for a different letter. The woman behind him is dropping off a pre-paid package for a business and she looks like she’s getting antsy. I’ve got a lineup, the phone is ringing, and I’m the only one here. Vision starts to go blurry because I haven’t slept in 24 hours. Me, in my sleep deprived haze, have the sudden realization that bee season started 3 days ago and I am in fact viable to receive such, because a big old box of live bees is exactly what I need right now.

3:00pm. I’ve finished my Monster and my tea. I feel no more awake at all, but my insides feel like they are vibrating. My ears are ringing. I am barely conscious, don’t know how I am even standing right now. I want the fucking bees. I would GLADLY take a box of fucking bees over the package I just received. Man comes in with a big box taped all around. He is moving to a different province and he is shipping this to his new address. Doesn’t tell me what’s in it, just says he needs it shipped regular parcel with a signature. Cool. I can do that. Finally something simple, I think. Print out the label, affix it to the box, give him the pin pad, he pays, I give him the tracking information, I pick up the box. Guy goes “yeah this is the last of my firearms that I’m shipping out, they wouldn’t fit in my car.” He walks away. Takes me a second to realize what’s just happened because I haven’t fucking slept.

I am now holding a big ass box of fucking guns.

…

WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A BIG ASS BOX OF FUCKING GUNS?!

Am panicking now. I don’t even know the proper protocol for shipping firearms because we are a tiny ass post office and nobody fucking ships firearms. Call my supervisor. “So you know how you’re TECHNICALLY allowed to ship certain dangerous goods by regular mail within the country because it gets delivered by truck and not by air?” “…Yeah?” “How flexible is that rule”

The Manager comes over. The Manager who has never touched a single thing in the post office in her entire life.

“What’s wrong?” “I think this box is full of guns.” “What, THIS box?”

MANAGER PICKS UP THE BOX AND SLAMS IT ON THE COUNTER.

Supervisor arrives, pulls out the manual. There is hope for me yet. Turns out I HAVE actually pretty much followed protocol (literally don’t ask me how). There is a section on shipping firearms and I’ve done pretty much every step correctly accept for the first one, which, given, is actually probably the most important step, which essentially boils down to you need fucking special permission to ship firearms (although it says the customer is supposed to call so I might be off the hook for this one). Not only that, the customer has managed to fuck me over even more with the fact that the return address he wrote down on the label I gave to him is the same as the shipping address. Meaning in order to “send it back” or “refuse it” I would have to return it to sender. Which is the same bloody address as where he’s trying to send it to.

My shift is done at 5. I don’t leave until almost 6. Customers keep lining up despite the fact we are closed. Am severely regretting my decision to let people talk me into coming in to work today.

6:30, I finally get home. The plow has finally dug out the road. The plow which, incidentally, has pushed all of the snow into the base of my driveway. So despite the fact that the roads are now clear, I somehow have MORE fucking snow than I did at 3:00 in the morning.

I am. So fucking exhausted.

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fractallogic · 2 years

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I have had such a fucking Day today and it’s only ONE THIRTY

Realized last night that I have to do basically a whole analysis and poster before lab meeting tomorrow, AND it’s crunch time for the frustrating paper. So okay, I will get up right when my alarm goes off and go to yoga because that will make me feel good.

Went to yoga. Fine. However, remembered about 15 minutes into the 75-min class that the other class I took with this person was annoying because she talked through the whole savasana. But maybe she won’t this time??

No. She did. The whole goddamn time.

While telling us to focus on our breath and let go of thoughts. Dude I cannot DO that unless you STOP FUCKING TALKING FOR TWO GODDAMN MINUTES

I come back to my car (and phone), and see that I have six texts (just to me!! No group texts!!), a missed call, and a voicemail. Christ. WHY AREN’T ALL OF YOU WORKING AND WHY DO YOU EXPECT ME TO NOT BE WORKING TODAY, MONDAY, OF ALL DAYS, SO THAT I CAN SPEND HOURS FUCKING CHATTING WITH YOU AT 10 AM

But okay fine. I have a sudden craving for a fajita quesadilla from chipotle, which ~conveniently~ now has it as an option on their website ordering thing, FINALLY.

I am feeling so tired and also who tf orders a quesadilla at noon, the height of the lunch rush?! So I set the time for pickup ten minutes later.

In the meantime, I decide to find the marker I lost, because it’s probably under the couch. I lift up the couch and see it right away. Artemis runs under the couch and I freak out and yell at her because the couch is kind of heavy and I DONT WANT TO FUCKING SQUISH MY CAT. Fortunately, I scare her and she runs into one of the holes that’s also accessible from the top. Okay. Fine.

I go to chipotle for my quesadilla because okay, the day is gonna pick up now. It’ll get better. I pick it up and go back home. There. doesn’t seem to be any fajita veggies in my quesadilla. I think about just accepting my fate, but since it’s fucking chipotle, everything is stupid overpriced, and I refuse to spend $10 on an empty quesadilla. I go back to have them fix the order.

Before I get the cashier’s attention, I see that there is another bag with my very unique name on the pickup shelf. It has my phone number on it. Wtf? So instead of immediately having them fix it, I ask the cashier what that’s about. She says that they fixed the order.

“I’m gonna check it here if you don’t mind”, which I’m glad I said because it was the exact same fucking thing that I was coming in to complain about. Plain cheese quesadilla, salsa, guacamole, just like before. Also, how tf were they going to tell me that they fixed the order? I didn’t get a call or an email or fucking anything, so if I’d decided it was a lost $10, HOW WOULD I KNOW

I go back to the cashier. “Yeah, it’s still not right.” The cashier gets the person who’s apparently in charge of online orders, I show them the order on my phone (“Fajita vegetable quesadilla”). The person is confused. “So like do you want a side of veggies??” “No, in the quesadilla. Like when you make a meat quesadilla? But with fajita veggies.”

She goes back and makes it. She brings it out. I check it immediately. It’s finally right. Thank god.

I am so fucking tired. I want to take the rest of the day off, but again, like I wanted to scream at the people who all wanted fun, non-emergency attention at 10 AM today, I have a lot of shit to do before tomorrow morning.

I WANT TO LEAVE

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prismaticpotentia · 2 years

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Outtakes

So, all the context for these is that sometimes while drawing I said funny things while talking to @bumblingbunny or other friends, and so this is those under a cut. Hope they make you laugh!

Harmony:

"...I was like 'Oh god how do ladies age I've only drawn old men'"

"I might give her shoujo bubbles and stuff in the bg."

Nyxa:

Elly:

(I didn't even remember her name right, shame on me.)

Johanna:

"Next is Dame Johanna because if I draw everyone before my own boy I won't forget to draw them!"

Harlequin:

Captain Dreadful:

Tristan:

Referencing this vine constantly:

vine

Princess Rosalie:

Just full on forget her eyebrows and queue that why don't I

Samuel:

"I'm glad you like the fruits of my insomnia except I keep forGETTING EYEBROWS"

"Now what the fuck will I have Samuel say. I may have to sleep on it."

"Bc Sammy boy wears a lot of black, nothing on him is really grayscale, his hair's midnight blue and his shirt's a black-purple so he does not turn into a blobule man."

Marcus:

"I just noticed that other than Harmony, he’s the only one with an unnatural hair color in game."

"I know if I was reading the an actual [Manwha] with them, it’d be a tossup between Sam and Marcus for who I’d want to win. But that is because I’m a simple gay"(Auryn did not exist yet)

"I cannot wait for Imortals Bitching At Each Other."

"Me, making Marcus: I love this hair! It's so pretty! Me, drawing Marcus: This hair makes no goddamn sense."

Princess Maisie:

Sadly I drew her when all my friends were asleep and said no funny things.

Prince Auryn:

"He's so pretty I'm getting mad about it, lol"

"Hey what if I drew ship bait"

Prince Dorian:

"That first picture was a different Prince OC with a D name, lol"

"I tried to make him look tired bc his curse causes him to cast from lifeforce."

(Talking about Auryn)

"Now black clothes forever lol"

"They won't be exactly black, in order to keep it from blobuling and losing all detail."

"Wait, shit, I forgot his beard Glad I fixed that before queuing it"

The Merchant:

"I love that someone made an in-game merchant"

"Unexpected problems when I committed to drawing all the entrants for this just because:

Everyone looks good in black so everyone puts their sims in black.

There's only so many variations of black and brown hair you can do before people look related when they shouldn't.

NPC Dialogue Hard

Feeling vaguely racist when both black lady characters have their tiddies on display but it's definitely not my fault.

Even though you know they didn't part of you wonders if design choices were made just to spite You, Specifically." (To clarify I love everyone's characters a whole lot even if choices frustrated me to figure out.)

"Lol I’ll take a break when I stop having fun. It’s mostly just I’ve been drawing entrants long enough to reach Weird Thought Zone."

Yadira:

"Idk why I decided to give her the kitty ear part, but she looks cute with it!"

"Making her expressive without a mouth was an interesting challenge!"

"Is it weird to say I like how her tits came out?"

"I feel like I also nailed the big titty lean we all do at high tables and bars where we just let that take the weight."

Fiadh:

"Fiadh is fighting me and I am about to lose it"

"Green is fine and good, red is HATE"

"I need to widen her chin a bit more. Honestly I love how square her features is, it's so unique and pretty."

"Also I can't wait for Dianthe to join the circle of people who Marcus can't hardly stand."

"I think I figured out how to fix what I hate of her upper hair."

"Fits more the "Messy curls hurriedly tied back" look I was going for."

"Ye, I started running out of good solid color ideas that wouldn't look too samey, so I started doing gradients."

Dianthe:

"I'm excited to make a flowy goddess dress."

"More nature-evoking than actual flowers bc [as] someone who has drawn many flowers before, Flowers Very Hard."

"Flowers Hard"

"This is the only video of just it I could find but I just picture this for Dianthe:"

youtube

"Me: Why is her forehead so huge and weird? Drawing: Doesn't fucking have eyebrows"

"She is in many pinks because spring goddess"

"Like, I get why everyone's in dark colors. Everyone looks good in black."

"But if I didn't change colors it would look like a Goth Rave."

#ooc post #hark! a nerd speaks #Youtube

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drowninginredink · 3 months

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Okay rant time. Because if you're following me, you at least tolerate my aro bullshit. I'm going to say things I really shouldn't say, at all, ever, because I am just done. You have been warned. If you're offended by it, that is your fault. I am going to mention specifics and let me be clear. No one has done anything wrong. But people do hurt me without meaning to and without doing anything that's objectively bad and I'm just tired of biting my tongue. I don't feel seen or heard, and I'm feeling like maybe if I just shout a little louder that will change. I'm probably wrong, but ignoring these feelings hasn't worked, so I've got to try something else.

I just. I'm sick of it. Sick of always starting out loving fics in the beginning, when we're in the friends portion of friends-to-lovers, and then inevitably, no matter how much I'm in love with the whole fic, it always turns romantic eventually and my affection diminishes. And sure, that doesn't make me not like it, or hate it, but now I'm looking at all these feelings I don't experience and feeling like an alien. Again. For the millionth time.

I'm sick of every fic that I see people cooing over being romantic. Especially when it's too romantic for me to even do my usual thing of reading it anyway and just trying to enjoy what I can. I'm just so sick of seeing everyone worship one particular person on here (and this is not to call them out. They have done nothing wrong. And if you're mutuals with me, I can promise you it isn't you) when they write stuff that's so romantic it sent me into a crisis because normally I do not think about how everyone else thinks so fundamentally differently to me. But I could not even comprehend these feelings they had a character experience and had to ask a friend if allos actually feel that way. It was a good fic, and it wasn't their fault because everyone has a right to write whatever they want, but it wrecked my shit and not in the good way. And just, seeing everyone talk about how that fic was great murders me because it is just proof that the entire world is not like me and does not understand me.

I'm tired of people telling me that they would never write the relationships that are the ones I want. I shouldn't say that, because everyone has a right to write whatever they want, and you all are perfectly nice people who I don't want to piss off and who are my mutuals and are my friends even, but goddamn I'm sick of pretending that it doesn't absolutely fucking kill me that you all look at the kind of relationships I want to have, and the kind of life I want to live, and you cannot put yourself in my shoes for even a thousand words. You can't comprehend living like me. Do you know how much of a slap in the face that is? That you can't even try it once? Do you know how many times I've written romantic shit? But you can't even think about living like I intend to live. For my entire fucking life. I know I shouldn't feel entitled to anyone writing anything but goddamn I'm sick of swallowing my feelings when I'm expected to empathize with romance all the time, but people can say "yeah I'd never ever write that" to my face as if that's a decent thing to say and they don't expect me to be hurt and offended. And I know I'm a dick for that because it is awful to expect anyone to write anything but... The fact that people can say that to my face and expect me to be perfectly understanding. No. Actually. It hurts.

AND THEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING I SHOULD LIKE, SHOULD LOVE, IS EXACTLY THE THING I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR PEOPLE BESIDES JUST ME TO DO... AND THEY DO AN AROMANTIC ERASURE. BECAUSE ONLY ASEXUALS EVER EXIST. GOD FORBID. DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT ACES EXCLUSIVELY INVENTED AND POPULARIZED QPRS? WELL OF COURSE THEY DID, BECAUSE EVEN IF AROMANTICS LIKE THEM TOO, THE ONLY AROMANTICS THAT EXIST ARE AROMANTIC ASEXUALS, OBVIOUSLY.

I just. I'm not going to stop doing any of what I'm doing. I still will be out here writing and reading and pushing my aro agenda. I probably should pull away from fandom if it's causing me this much grief... But to do what? Take in normal media that's also allo as fuck? Listen to all my music that's also about romance? Watch movies and TV shows with romantic subplots to ignore? Stop writing things that make me genuinely happy? Expect people to read my fics but not read anyone else's? Stick to the same 3 podcasts that used to be pretty much the only media I was taking in and maybe now I'm realizing that's because they are all very platonic in vibe?

And it also doesn't help that according to that poll this fandom is apparently 50% arospec and yet I see no one else complaining. Ever. And to be fair, I guess I didn't either before this post. I guess you all must just be biting your tongues like me. Well. For the moment I'm done. And if anyone actually read this and heard me and can relate, please do feel free to let me know I'm not alone, because I sure fucking feel it. I shouldn't feel it. I've seen the kudos numbers on my aro fics. Kudos numbers that high should prove something. But they don't apparently. Apparently I just think every one of them is an alloromantic who is glad to read about my experience for one story, but then goes back to their little lives of only thinking about romance.

I just. I'm tired of writing my own representation. I want someone else to do it too. Someone who I didn't have to ask to do it. I appreciate everyone who does encourage me or take my prompts or enthuse over my headcanons and fics but I am still very aware that I had to be the person to think of it first.

I like writing. I can't stop. I don't know what I'd do with myself if I stopped. Well, I do know. I'd go back to what I was doing before, which was mostly spending too much time playing video games on my phone. I like being creative with my time instead. I just wish I didn't feel like an outsider in my own community. I wish I didn't have to start a whole project to make space for myself. I wish I didn't feel obnoxious for talking about being aro every other word because hey, this fandom is apparently 50% aro, and all of the rest of them can shut up about it and enjoy fics like a normal person.

But how can I shut up and enjoy fics like a normal person when no matter what fandom I venture into, it's all romance and I'm not a normal person about romance at all? Some aros fucking love shipping! And I'm not even fucking romance repulsed, so I should have a better tolerance! I can deal with romance! I even like it sometimes, even if truthfully what I probably really like is the sexual and emotional connections between the characters. But it just... I guess I'm tired of tolerating it when it would be nicer if I could either like it or never read it again.

And then my friends say things like "just so you know, this fic might be too romantic for you" and I get annoyed by that, too, because I don't want to be seen as someone who can't tolerate romance like a normal adult, and because I do like a lot of things in romantic fics. They often have really good connection and sexual dynamics and emotional dynamics, even if I can't get behind the sappy stuff and that does taint it for me. I'm not just going to avoid them because then I'm missing a whole lot of good shit and there's not exactly much left when you take it all out. But then I bitch and react badly when stuff is romantic. Because apparently I can't just be fucking happy.

I don't know. We live in an alloromantic world. And I had been doing a fantastic job of really enjoying life because I just wasn't noticing that. But now I do see it. And I can't unsee it. And I wish I could. And I've been trying to vent to people, and they're nice... But I just get the feeling that none of them really feel the way I do, even when they're aro or arospec too. So I guess I decided maybe I should try shouting into tumblr instead.

And I know this post is going to bite me in the ass really hard when the people I'm ranting about read it, and I should just talk to them like an adult, but I just can't ever see those conversations ending in any way that I'm satisfied with. They end with me just having to say that I'm an asshole for being insulted by the fact that they won't write what I'd like to see. So instead I'm doing this and hoping they don't click read more. Stop being my friend for it. I don't blame you.

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xsadcorebenji · 8 months

Text

the only truth to my life

is just an endurance test

zeus had

eagles devour prometheus’s innards

repeatedly for an eternity

for simply bringing

the gift of fire

(“stolen” i mean ripped from the hands of such ugly tyrants)

and i wonder

is it

so bad,

that visceral physical punishment over and over

at least

someone loves you prometheus

you brought us all

a bouquet of fires

a crisis hotline person i called to keep me company

told me

that they commend me for just going through so much loss

please, i never asked

for such an endurance test and i didn’t ask for strength

i am doing my best not to be as bitter as so many people

i really try my damnedest

i don’t care if

a goddamn person in the world loves me anymore

or thinks anything kind for me

i just don’t want to be

anyone i’m blood related to

just too radically different peoples

i am so tired

i had a good night last night

and a good day during the day

but can the universe stop

fucking destroying itself after a cycle of two days every third day

there’s only so much

i know i get angry and i’m a rather difficult person to be with

but

i wish you saw me for the kind parts

i work so terribly hard to be kind however

i cannot tell what you’d consider kind from your perspective

i just never wanted to be like my family

kinda why i always just joke and talk about everything regardless of how comfortable or conscientious it is

i grew up with no one except for ppl who just bottled themselves up and turned themselves into landkinds

and they consider me

the biggest landmine

in this life

i worked very damn hard

to be someone unlike them

and i have friends who love me

and i don’t know

so many ppl want someone to tell that they’re proud of them or all these very kind things

i don’t want kind words,

i just wanted someone to love me deeper than i can love me

just hold my hand

from time to time

my thoughts always goes to a younger different version of you from the early days

whenever i am tired and lonely

i once had someone

who wanted to hold my hand during

good times and not so good times

hold my hand

just hold my hand

i just wanted

someone to hold my hand

during all of this

you once told me

during a day when i as reacting to an article i found infuriating

wrote a whole vent to the world

and you told me

you loved me because i always stuck to my guns regardless

just brazenly

and it’s hard to forget about

therapist

says i don’t really give a chance to let ppl to grow to love me

and i truly don’t

i loved that you wanted me around

even when no one else

really wanted me around

a hand to hold

i cried my entire life

for a hand to hold

still crying it seems

i don’t know or care to know who you are anymore

i just

really terribly miss

that person who loved me

all the time actually

just a phantom memory

a phantom heartbeat

i write so many metaphors and all these fantastical romantic soliloquies

i wish you never loved me sometimes

name a worst drug than the oxytocin produced by the warmth of romantic love

there isn’t one

what a terrifying addiction

and my goodness

the withdrawals

are exhausting

terrible night

just ironic

how you can be so fucking aggressive

and have someone reassure and shoo away all the guilt you have festering

and me,

i have to stand there

constantly and just let everyone think i’m a monster

a bastard

and just because

you think my partaking of psychiatric medication is an inconvenience for you

christ

it is horrifying unfair

how easily

everyone wants you just because beauty standards

what good heart do you even possess

fucking god i never saw it

blood strings between us

and me

no one

loves me

like that

i miss

my old night stand lamp

telling each other good night after talking on skype

and reading 1q84

into the late hours

after you fell asleep

this lamp next to me

sleeping next to you over skype

who was the person who loved me so terribly

who was that person

she loved me so terribly

i loved her

too

but

i think i must’ve imagined everything

it just sounds so insane

especially now

in a world where everyone is so hurt and burned out

just no love or curiosity for one another

or rather

no curiosity for me it seems

i loved her

i didn’t want

anyone else

who even were you

why did you want to know me so much

who was that person

i don’t even know anymore

i’m so sad without her actually

i can still have fun

i can still laugh

and i can still cry and i can still have fun and i can still love myself

but she’s gone

she’s gone

that person who loved me is gone

i wish i could call her

i wish

i knew where to find anyone like her

she’s gone and fox is gone

and i am the saddest i’ve ever known

baby

the person that loves me doesn’t have a name anymore

i can only name myself but it surely is getting boring

baby

i loved her

who even was she?

that person

who loved me

please

hold my hand

my heart and chest hurts a lot

and i just don’t want to be alone

baby

where are you?

i am so alone

i want to love you

i wish you’d

show yourself anyone

someone

please

someone hold my hand please

tell me you love me please

i’m so tired

of watching everyone sympathize with that terrifying person

and me

i have

no one but a mirror

o god

my heart hurts

#personal

0 notes

enderexplorer1212 · 10 months

Text

Saving Brace

“I mean, yeah. I’ve always wanted to go to a furry convention someday, but I don’t really have the money for that, and it’s kind of out of the way and stuff, and none of the dates work for anything, but still, if I’m able to, then I’d love to do it someday.”

There goes George again. Constantly finding a way to shoehorn being a furry into every single god damn conversation. I don’t get how he manages to do it. I mean, I have my interests, but I don’t shove them down everyone’s throats.

“Hey, George. Do you have any personality besides being a furry? I mean, do you?”

“Well, it depends on what you define as a personality.”

Look, I’m not the biggest fan of furries. They’re weird, off-putting, and kinda fucked up if you think about it. But he’s not really that bad, just kind of obnoxious, so I put up with it. Besides, he’s good at Fortnite.

“Yeah, whatever. Anyways, the house should be up here on the next right according to the map.”

“That map’s from 1956. It’s probably outdated.”

“Look, this is rural goddamn nowhere. I highly doubt the roads have changed particularly much around here.”

“Yeah, but the geography might’ve.”

“I don’t see ho-WAIT STOP THAT’S WATER!”

“Shit shit shit, I’m braking!”

CRASH

Fuck, fuck. Oh fuck the car’s filling up fuck fuck. Ok, shit. Doors don’t work, gotta kick the window. Fuck. Oh fuck me, can’t swim. Fuck, no no no, this can’t be it. God damnit fuck fuck fuck f-

Oh god. I do not feel good. Fuck, I am, fuck me. Fuck, my chest hurts. Ugh, super tired and sore, can barely move myself. Ok, shit, I have no clue where I am. Am I dead? I hope not. I feel warm though, that’s good. Shit, still don’t want to get up, but, I mean I should. It’s not like waking up when you’re tired, it’s kind of a weird feeling. I don’t know.

Ok, ok. Eyes opened, what do I see? So I do have a blanket, brown. Ok, wait, why’s it on my hand? Fuck, that’s not meant to happen what the fuck? Is that a… claw? On my hands? What the fuck? Did George stuff me into a goddamn fursuit or something? What the fuck is this?

“Oh good, John, you’re up.”

Who is that? Wait, that’s a furry. That’s like a goddamn wolf, hold on. What the fuck is this shit. Why is there a goddamn werewolf or something here. Wait a minute, don’t tell me-

“George?”

“Yeah, that’s me.”

“What the fuck is going on? Why am I… you know?”

“Yeah that, well. Long story short, I’m a werewolf.”

I refuse to believe that for a second, but considering the current predicament, I’ll keep listening to whatever weird RP shit he’s doing or whatever.

“And, well, you had passed out in the car. So I tried CPR, didn’t work. Some of your ribs might be cracked though. So I thought, ‘shit, what do I do now?’ Then I realized, oh yeah, I’m a werewolf, and it’s a full moon, which is real goddamn convenient when you think about it. So I bit you, turned you into a werewolf, and now you’re healed.”

“I- What?”

“Yeah, you’re a werewolf. It’s pretty cool though, since you c-”

“Hold the fuck on, I’m like this from now on?”

“Well, yeah, every full moon, you’re like this. It’s kind of permanent.”

“So I’m stuck like this?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say stuck, but yeah.”

Oh fuck oh fuck. No no no, this cannot be happening I cannot become a furry what the fuck. This is actually the fucking worst holy shit.

“Fuck fuck, this is the worst fucking scenario, fuck.”

“What’s so bad about it?”

“You- fucking you turned me into a goddamn furry!”

“Well the only other goddamn alternative would have you been fucking dying!”

“Yeah, well maybe you should have done that!”

“Alright, look, look. We can debate fucking voluntary euthanasia another time, alright, right now, you’re just going to have to deal with this, alright?”

Goddamnit. I cannot fucking handle this shit. Fuck, I’m a goddamn furry now, fuck. I’m probably going to have to purchase a fursuit now, fuck. Wait, hold on a minute.

“Hey, does you being a werewolf have anything to do with being a furry?”

“What? Oh, not at all. It’s just a weird coincidence is all.”

“Ok, do you get off to it?”

“…yeah.”

#story #furry #anthro #werewolf #werewolves

0 notes

the-firebird69 · 10 months

Text

There's a few things to talk about and one of them is that the world is a very dangerous place but these clones are making it much more dangerous and we don't need your help so we went ahead and begin a program to stop them fully and that was tonight and there are less of them and boy what a pain. Now I said that we've done that and that's a lot of other stuff happening there are armies trying to get here. And from all over the world and trying to get here because the empire is above them.

And that Daddy took a pillow case cover. It's not a pillowcase he took the zipper one. To put money in that my son used and I think it was disgusting and still is. Getting very tired of that man says it's going to help him and get him stuff and get him money and things and it doesn't do anything and it's in the way of a lot of it and has been sitting on the money of his and many locations and not allowed it to be here for my husband to access it. So I don't see how that is helping. And my husband says he probably isn't he wanted dollars for helping with his chimney and he was jumping all over my car and in front of it challenging me to a fight over 30 bucks the guy had trillions and trillions of dollars with a businesses and money and could have made my life so much easier that this a****** and his Mike Bronder this is the weight of my car leaving a job site I was at for like 14 hours trying to flash in the chimney so it didn't leak. And counter flash and I'll tell you what that guy is so cheap you can squeak from a crosstown all year and every year and he owes me so much money and never paid me a dime I cannot believe what he was doing to me when I had to leave to go home to rest and eat and stuff he's jumping in front of my car and it's night time okay just came down from the roof carried my 50 lb toolbox back to the car and here's this a****** ask her for money and I told him I have to cash a check before I have any cash I have no money and literally I have to fight my way out of their stupid house in hopkinton over like $30 for him to help me that he said I don't have to pay him because he was living there he's a fully grown man in my in my way of departing and staunchly in my way and he wasn't small like he he is now. That was shocked I was really shocked but at the time I was also tired and very angry I said grab my way I'm going to run you over and I was reading the car towards him and he would not move this this a****** I have a I had a 1969 forever there's a muscle car and it was powerful you can hear it rev up and I was revving it saying get out of the way and probably smacking his knees the guy was a complete Maniac over $30 when he had more money than anyone on Earth and you said my way and I have no money I still have no money and a f*** around me tell somebody he's in my way over 30 bucks I should disect him the next time I see him. It's Insanity okay he doesn't strong I'm sitting here with a powerful car and scream and get out of the way I'll pay tomorrow you're f****** a******. Now this story makes me very angry at him because he's such a little weasel he has so much money my family had money I turn around and look around everybody and you all have f****** money here and you retards are sitting here dying rather give me a few 100 bucks you're so f****** dumb I can't afford you dumb m************ anymore especially you Mac Daddy you're so goddamn stupid you know it's going to be the next group or the Chinese won't let me do it so screw you you're f****** done you're out of the way pretty soon it is a ridiculous story nobody should ever have to tell this twice you're so goddamn dumb and done I'm not going to put up with any more you're f****** fired man put me in a mental hospital you f****** dumb piece of s*** you're so God damn stupid

It was a horrible night I could not believe how f****** stupid that guy was and it smacked out of himself and I'm like what the hell am I going to do for a living this guy is so goddamn cheap I felt horrible going home terrible it was a terrible night I told my people get everything together we have to declare war on them they're so God damn stupid now I'm saying it again

He took my pillow case to put my money in quarters pennies the guy needs to die it's my personal laundry he took to do some sort of asinine thing and he says later on in space you have to die at all get your money is that m************ done we have to we have to declare war on him and his idiots over a teeny bit of money because he's holding me hostage and start threatening the s*** out of him by the way I want him held hostage every five seconds

Zues Hera

we are going to begin this program if a Christ is taking us frustrating as hell this fat f****** a****** Mac won't let a dollar through either he needs to die these people are so stupid you can tell them what's wrong everyday and they can't get it at all we need to wipe them out this whole pile of s*** here needs to go.

And ben Arnold can take over we don't need this s*** this guy is a complete fool he's over at fisherman's village threatening to put something in her son's saddlebag I mean the guy that smoked and and he's gone already he's gone a long time ago from the surgery and sitting here being a jackass. Now he was overpowered and stuff he doesn't do anything for our son anymore for the most part and he won't he's like one of his family members who just has had it. We're going to go after him too for what he's saying he sounds like a retard now it's absolutely true some people just can't handle it he's one of them then Arnold and his people have a more rationale but really they want to run things they deserve to a little bit they did a lot of work and they still do this place is a disaster the state is a complete disaster and mess because of mac daddy and others like him just want to sit around farting and you fart and nothing happened you didn't get anything you're getting the story opened up and it was telling a story you got a huge space War what's your problem anyways you don't know English you're messing with me I'm poor I'm going to kill you for money I get it all set up here cuz you keep on threatening me and bothering me doing stupid s*** to me get a little laundromat with a ton of money and people like to imitate me to try and get me in trouble little p**** I'm sick of you you're saying you hit my brother I don't care if you did or not you're dead meat. And he said that to him in time he said I didn't really do it and he said so what and we're saying that to him all afternoon. Tried showing up and fisherman village and we kept them out a lot of people have to die and he's on the list he has a piece of s*** now she wants to drop something in the bag stands are threatening it I mean he's a freaking b**** he was a b**** back in St John's and he was pretty much smoked he started this war against the warlock and he's going to die cuz he's half ass and everything and he sits here with them he's ridiculous just like Stan that's some stupid s***. Mac Daddy by the way Stan is doing it because he's stupid and you probably copied him but it's not right he's he's smokes man that guy's toast and we don't like him or send the spices him it's like you can't see what's wrong here and it doesn't answer correctly because he doesn't want to fix anything so he can go away he gets shot in the head the sister was Garth and pretty sure he's dead after that so tomorrow's attacks and Jason kills him for real put his advice to the bunker and it blew up I'm tired of hearing him he's ridiculous so I'm putting that hit on him

Thor Freya

We all got together and decided to stop him but he is a pig and a loser and BG is a pig and a loser and this guy Trump you people are spent just cuz you went around your own country I mean you suck and mac you were spent the years ago.

Olympus

And you mac Daddy should never have been speaking to me and you should never have been speaking to me ever in that tone or having things done now you're almost dead truthfully your people are getting their asses kicked too. And what you're doing here is you're just annihilating some of your own people because you couldn't figure out what a matrix is killing all your molark for Tommy f. That is so f****** money and you won't give you a time and you're in the way so you're going to move or you're going to be removed you can piss all over the place too all night and Mikebrondrrstart pissing

Zues Hera

I've been hit a part retard and I've had enough of this s*** that's going on for one too many years I can't stand what's going on is the idiots doing it so probably die cuz there's a stupid idiot in my brain

Mike b

You should have had your idiot taken out near the head guy and now it's going to be a lot more painful cuz you keep representing a problem in my life not a solution you're an ass how many people like you around here you won't let me have anything so you have to kill off a whole bunch of people that are in The Fringe I mean you're an a****** that's what I'm f****** a****** is

Zues Hera

This is wrong for me to hold you here in a prison like setting and file for Tommy f you kind of did it to me

Mac

He did it to you and it did to my parents he does it to everybody who starts harming me. Mom was harming me she put me in the mental hospital I didn't need that it didn't help me you're hurting me you keep me in poverty you have me going across town this was a suffer for you like Jesus Christ you're out of your mind. What are those people like you are nuts okay you don't think what I do is wear something so you can leave I don't need to protect you you're not under my protection anymore because I'm worth a lot more than you to everybody else except these idiots who don't know the price of nothing but s*** your people are stupid and f****** slow these clothes and then eat you up and eat you alive or whatever that's why should I protect you you don't do a damn thing you hear me give me laundry done it's world War III. Things that I've done to help are with trillions and trillions of dollars to each money you idiots here and you don't look at me like I'm worth anything so you can take the f****** leap man thank you and your retard brain outa here. As far as I'm concerned your brain abnormality is your problem and your decisions you make are your problem Tommy F did it to you he was shot yesterday it's your problem I don't have any way of helping you at all how what am I supposed to do you want to have to do surgery I mean that's your excuse for abusing me my brain is different. So good for you you have an excuse you're going to get screwed now you're out I don't want you around I don't want you bothering me you're stalking me just like all these other f****** retards

Stans is a huge pain in the ass too he wants your job there's no f****** job here anymore. The fleets are going to knock each other out it's all the stupid s*** you are like go through and figure everything out for you look at your computer and none of you want to pay for nothing so you're going to pay the hard way you're an insane bunch of losers okay you're a huge pile of nobody this town in the town up there this is the dumbest place on Earth you don't look someone who's just intelligent as I am in the eye and tell me I get nothing hell

Zues Hera

We're finally now filing now to eliminate many individuals here who are constant annoyance and constantly saying stupid things and keep him penniless it's absurd okay he has huge companies and he's telling us to get rid of you and we've been working towards it because it's so absurd it is ridiculous what you're saying is ridiculous it's his property in the bank not yours is stole from him today Mac yesterday and you're going to pay you don't touch these things. That's the law you touching things in your fingers break your hands fall off. No retired you goofballs nobody has ever done this to somebody on Earth ever it's never been this bad. You grab people you kidnap them and you try and take their stuff and kill them every day they say at least say that you never would treating people like this one person held prisoner with all of you bothering him pestering him everyday it's not like he's not committed crimes it's just like you're not capable of doing anything and you just strangulate yourself more. And we've had enough of it we're going to decimate your people here your ranks there's tons of people who want him to do it and we're just going to let him in occasionally you're a bunch of losers too you don't have anything that says you should do this those sweets are going to knock each other out just like everything else that you have it's disgustingly lame on top of it you're going to talk about all your secrets blaming everything not even trying to fix it it's sick of the seat of disrepair in the state and we're going to use it to get rid of people who are troublemakers and miscreants just want to sit around and swill and you're fired. He's already done the program and it's working we have been eliminating people and this a****** Trump has to go. I don't have any more time for you either Mack you sit there and sales and stuff and you never help him you just as obtuse does the rest we've been in meetings with you for like years till you get him something let him have his money and let him grab it and you won't let it happen cuz you want to come by and take it so if something happens to him you use it it is one of us that's what you want to do cuz you're a nutcase Tommy F wants to kidnapping and that's what he wants you to do so you're now a low life and you don't understand the math even though your ships are engaging Tommy f right now I mean what what a nutcase loser you are

Olympus

0 notes

milesfagworth · 1 year

Text

I've bitched about this to some friends, i've bitched about this anonymously on other websites, i've spent days thinking about this and bitching to the void but dear god i need to bitch more.

The ironic part is that i am not going to give any details hehe

there is A Thing. I want this Thing so fucking badly. I've wanted this Thing since I was aware of its existence. I even had the Thing for a short period of time when i was rather young. But i cannot have the thing now, should not have had the thing then, and will likely never get to have the Thing again.

Theoretically there are about two ways in which i could once again acquire the thing. One, a person I love but whom has been consistent in certain opinions and attitudes could change their mind about said opinions and attitudes and enjoy the Thing with me. Or two, I could could just go get the Thing anyway.

One is almost guaranteed to never happen. I thought for a brief period of time recently that it had happened. I was wrong. very, very wrong.

Two could happen at any time of my own volition. There is technically nothing actually stopping me from going with two. Yet, in taking the second option I would deeply, deeply hurt at least one person that I care about, and very likely damage the opinions of me from all our mutual friends, family, and acquaintances. It would be a selfish move overall. I would also lose quite a lot. Far more than I am willing to give up to have the Thing. Pretty much everything worth having that i currently have. It wouldn't be a good trade, I would regret it instantly, and the damage would be irreversible

and yet i cannot get this fucking thing out of my head.

the desire comes in waves, extreme intensity to nearly forgotten. I'll survive this wave, like i have before, but goddamn am i a bit tired of surviving it.

I wish i could stop wanting it.

I wish i could change the opinion of this person i love.

I wish i could have my cake and eat it too as they say

what a stupid fucking phrase. when would one ever have a cake without the intention of eating it?

I want to have the new thing, keep all of my current things, and not hurt anyone.

unfortunately for me, that seems pretty much impossible.

and every time i try to take even the slightest step toward that desire, i hurt people. i need to give up. i don't think i can.

#i just need a good vent don't mind me #i will not be sharing more details on this #i will get over it just like before #maybe someday i'll stop wanting things i can't have #not really looking for advice tbh #i think this is too fucking vague about something too fucking specific for anyone to really give advice anyway #???.txt

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elytrafemme · 1 year

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i wish i wasn’t so damn tired all the time. because all i want to do right now is get my ass out of bed and tear through every fucking baby tape i have, interrogate every person i have ever known, send my therapist a letter even though i’m seeing her tomorrow and just sear through everything so that maybe at the end of all that effort i can figure out the memory that i am missing. every time i try to give being a decent person another shot i remember that other people know what their childhoods were like and aren’t chasing after this same goddamn memory, and i realize what everyone must be thinking of me, and i get so angry. it’s like that movie memento, or well, the short story it’s based on memento mori. every day it’s like i’m waking up to a different person on the side of my fucking bed and every day i’m like. i get angry over the same shit i’m mad that other people can remember what i am so desperately trying to figure out and i swear to God if i wasn’t so tired this would all be easier. i spend all my energy hating my friends and i cannot say it enough there’s no worse feeling than having so many friends and knowing you’re doomed to fuck up all those friendships because you hate most of your friends. i hate all my fucking friends half the time the other half i love them but it makes it so hard. and i wake up hoping it’ll change shit and i wake up a whole new person but i’m still looking. i’m fucking earl with it written all over my body for anyone else to see and yet i am still unable to remember my own wife’s funeral and it’s my fucking funeral i am always late to. and sometimes i think well goddammit Mare the only way you’re going to get out of this is if you stop at no lengths to drudge up this memory, I swear I have thought about doing whatever it takes to fucking ruin the lives of the alters i coexist with and i actually have like made their lives miserable just in hopes one of them will cough it up. i take their friends away and i refuse to let anyone front except klav and i don’t even try to talk to them anymore. i would do anything to just know what happened because there is no goddamn way that you all are going to lock me in a white room and tell me that after seventeen fucking years of this that the reason i was born all fucked up was because there was something in my genetics and there is no goddamn way you’re going to tell me that every fucking four year old girl back in 2009 was like that and it’s like that other book i haven’t read the fucking one with the rabbits and the mice prince of a thousand enemies that’s me. and i swear to God you all are trying to make a sammy out of me and i won’t do that shit. i won’t let you fucking win. i won’t let you win so long as i can get out of bed.

#neg #negative #do not reblog #like I will seriously come after you I'm fucking done #vent #nightmare.vent #it's fine it's fine I have therapy tomorrow it's fine all of you can say shit on this app #but when I do it it's ohhhh Mare have you considered this have you considered that #you speak for us yeah well I don't speak for shit #I can't speak anymore nobody fucking knows me here #I don't know me here I wake up to a fucking stranger in my bed #and she wears my clothes and answers MY FRIEND's texts #and she calls herself my fucking name but she's not me #i need to start taping shit to my walls writing letters i can HEAR people trying to get through to me #i KNOW that so many fucking people are trying to get me out #it's the space dwellers singing in my ears at night its the dead bodies wailing at my door #its that fucking kid who I swear to God this world will end with one of us standing over the others body #never let me in that fucking state. anyway.#everything i do is because i want to love people you have no idea how much i want #to fucking love my friends that's it that's all #it's the easiest goddamn thing in the world and i can't fucking do it #nothnig lasts nothing everf ucking lasts #i'm gonna go looking for john g again and i'm never going to find him i always knew that #unreality tw #unreality #well you know what. night's still young.#let me go back to knocking on the devil's door and seeing if she has any answers for me.

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broadswipeslideshow · 2 years

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y’know what… i’m so tired of feeling like a fucking burden all the time. or made to feel like an idiot. because i swear that’s all i feel in my household - guilt and shame for being so stupid, so difficult. but in reality i’m not. i am not a burden. i am not an idiot, like i’ve been made to feel by both my dad and my step mom.

i cannot even explain how close i keep my emotions to myself. i never tell my parents how i’m feeling, or what i’m going through. i rarely complain, and if i do complain, i’m either a) fed up and genuinely need to complain about something ridiculous or b) want to express my emotions for once. either way, i’m shamed for it. it doesn’t even have to be said. i can see the judgement passed on me by both of my parents, especially my step mom. she acts like i’m the biggest fucking brat in the world. well sorry i’m trying to explain something that’s debilitating for me?

example. recently we’ve had a horrible cockroach problem and it’s kind of gone away. however, the last couple of days, they’ve returned to my bathroom and there’s literally nothing i can fucking do. i have a horrible phobia of cockroaches, i have told my parents this, and yet nothing is really done. whatever. i can kinda deal with it. anyway, yesterday there was a cockroach in my shower and i asked my dad if i could take a shower in their bathroom (his, my step mom’s, and my younger brother’s). he said yes. i swear to god, i was in there for maybe 7 minutes, trying to go as fast as possible because i knew my step mom was gonna flip her shit. god forbid i try to shower in goddamn peace. i guess i understand she needed to get ready for work, but the door wasn’t locked and i wasn’t even in there for that long. when i was coming out i heard her being all angry, which immediately triggered me, and then she was like “fine, i’ll just do the fucking laundry” and stomped off after ranting to my dad about me.

BECAUSE GOD FORBID I FUCKING TAKE A SHOWER!

maybe if they did something about the roach problem i wouldn’t have to use their shower. and again, this is the first time i even did that. the roaches have been a problem for two months now and i haven’t asked once to use their shower. but the moment i do, the one time i do, i’m shamed for it. so fuck my step mom. fuck her for making me feel like that. it’s my goddamn house too, and maybe if i wasn’t so fucking neglected i wouldn’t have to use their shower! it makes me feel like the worst person on earth. like i am the absolute most spoiled, self-centered, whiny, burdenous human on the planet. i didn’t even do anything wrong.

just in general, i have to say, fuck my step mom. she can be nice to me, sometimes, but she talks shit about me behind my back then acts sweet to my face. she also enables my abusive dad (which is something i’m still coming around to) and has allowed him to beat my younger brother before, who isn’t even my dad’s bio son. how the fuck can you do that? it makes me angry just thinking about it. i can still remember my brother’s screams and cries when my dad literally beat him with a fucking wooden spoon. it’s horrible. and she never cared when he was screaming at me, telling me i was lazy, a failure, whatever other slew of insults he could hurl at me because i was FUCKING FAILING SCHOOL DUE TO MY DEPRESSION! she never cared when i broke down sobbing because of it, literally having panic attacks because i was so guilty and terrified of my dad. she never once comforted me, never told my dad to stop, never intervened. and the times i did try to confide in her, did try to tell her things before i told my dad (who would explode in anger), she would act like i’d placed the biggest responsibility on her shoulders. she’d either sigh heavily or act like she had no idea what to do. and then she’d just end up telling my dad anyway, so i’d always get in trouble. i could never tell her secrets because my dad would find out. there was nothing kept between me and my step mom. so i stopped trusting her.

she’s complained to my dad before that i don’t talk to her. that i leave the room when she enters (which isn’t even because of her, and usually i was already planning to leave before she came into the room). then my dad gets mad at me for being “rude” and “mean” to her. but what about the times she hasn’t protected me? what about the times she’s broken my trust? or when she’s gotten mad at me for simply existing? i can’t even eat at home because she gets so mad that food disappears. i’m sorry, but living in a house with four people will result in food being used. yesterday she was complaining that toilet paper was being used too much. like ???? wtf, what kind of fucking gripe is that? sorry, i guess?

it’s just infuriating. and then the rare times i come to her for advice, or admit i don’t know something, she just blankly stares at me like i’m the dumbest fucking person to ever exist. sorry i don’t fucking know how to get a dorm for college, i was never taught that. don’t blame me for shit i was never goddamn educated on. my dad does that too. they act like i’m so fucking stupid. it pisses me off. i’m not stupid. i know i’m not. yet they can make me feel like i am, so easily, just with a simple look. i already doubt myself enough, i don’t need them adding to it. although, i think most of my self-doubt stems from being raised by them. like, sorry i fucking confided in you guys about something, which is literally what my step mom complains about (“she never talks to me! she never confides in me!”). so if you want me to confide in you, why do you make me feel like an idiot when i finally do?

fuck her for that. i hate being made to feel like this, and it’s one of the sole reasons i’m never home. and the fact that she’s always angry and slamming shit never helps. slamming doors, cabinets, drawers, whatever. it freaks me out. i literally cannot relax at home, not even in my room, because i know at any moment my dad can storm in and start screaming at me (even though i’m a legal adult and haven’t been yelled at by him in years). when she does that it triggers my fucking ptsd, and then she complains i never come out. MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE I’M TERRIFIED OF MY DAD? and maybe if she’d intervened i wouldn’t have so much trauma from the shit he’s said and done to me?

i cannot live here any longer. i’ve been trying to hold out - for my friends and for my parents - but i can’t. it’s literal torture. i can’t continue living in a house that’s meant to be my home, but isn’t. i can’t live somewhere that’s a constant reminder of the abuse both me and my brother went through. i can’t live in a place where i’m shamed, humiliated, and seen as a burden simply for existing. i can’t do it anymore. i have to get out of here.

#mine

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owl-bones · 3 years

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i would like the world to stop for just like, one day please

#i am SO tired #a lot of shit happened to me on sunday and i've been kinda sitting here since then like :|#and now more stuff happened and i am just ssssooooooooooo emotionally exhausted #this is why i haven't done any art i literally cannot bring myself to do anything except watch youtube and maybe play a video game #creating is so hard right now #which is a shame!! because i want to #but my god i am so goddamn tired and i cannot stop thinking about all the shit im going through #which i don't want to talk about publicly i just want to vent that it's happening

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gotnofucks · 3 years

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Lover’s Quarrel

Pairing: Steve x Reader

Summary: You have the powers to resurrect if you’ve been murdered, and a jealous Steve Rogers indulges heavily in your abilities. He would not let you steal his best friend, that was for sure. So what, if your rivalry regularly caused fire and harm to public property? You just couldn’t let the other win.

Words: 4.3k

Warnings: Smut, enemies to lovers, violence, killings and murders (but reader cannot die, it’s weird. She has some sorta powers that help her revive when she’s been murdered), language, 18+ ONLY

A/N: Is this crack fic? Idk. Maybe?

The sixth time Steve killed you, you decided he needed to be dealt with in a similar way. It doesn’t matter that he cannot come back from the dead like you. He just needed to go. You were tired of him offing you every time he felt threatened by your existence. But this was the last straw. He had pushed you off the Quinjet while flying home from a mission and you’d fallen into the lake and drowned. You would NOT recommend dying that way.

Bucky had dragged out your dead body and watched over you as the blessing of the necromancer worked its magic over you and brought you back to the world of the living. The first words out of your mouth as you spewed out water were, “I am going to kill your best friend and you can’t be mad at me for that.”

Bucky, far too happy to have you back – poor guy still mourned every time you died – ignored your comment and pulled you into a hug. He’d never quiet gotten used to seeing you die. You patted his back, muttering a few there-there’s until he was calm enough to press quivering kisses on your head and temple.

“You need to stop dying.” He said into your hair, holding you close.

“I would not be dying if your best friend didn’t murder me every time! He is a menace, Buck!” You cried in exasperation. The said best friend was watching you from a few yards away, and he rolled his eyes as your words reached him. He scoffed loud enough for you to hear and you sharply turned your head to glare at him.

“You!” You shouted, quickly standing up and marching over to him. “You rascal!” And then you pried out your wet shoe from your feet and threw it at his stunned face. Unfortunately, it didn’t hit his face but smacked against his chest, leaving the wet print of your soles against his far too tight t-shirt. He gaped at you open mouthed before baring his teeth in warning.

“Oh god, every time you come alive again, you’re even more awful than before!” Steve shouted, and then just because he is fucking drama queen, he threw out his hands. You sneered before turning to look at Bucky meaningfully, the most obvious ‘see what a dick he is’ look on your face.

Bucky shuffled uneasily, caught between your quarrel once again. He came behind you and gave you his jacket to wear to shield you from the cold. And just like that, your anger melted a little. Somehow, with his steel blue eyes, Bucky Barnes could sooth every wound you’d ever had. Even those given to you by Steve Rogers.

“I am so sorry. I should have seen what he was about to do. I wouldn’t have ever let you fall had I known.” He apologized and you swore your heart physically quivered. You pulled Bucky into a hug, hiding your face in his chest, savoring his arms coming around you to hold you tighter. You could have stayed in his embrace forever, but it was an annoyed groan that ripped you both apart.

“Is there any way you can stay dead a little longer?” Steve asked, breaking your moment. “I mean, I’ve tired a bullet and knife and water and poison. What can I do that you’d be gone for just a little longer?”

He was worked up, a red flush creeping on his face and neck. Pacing, he was muttering, and you wondered for the millionth time how Bucky could be friends with him. He was just so extra! You wanted to tell him to shove a stick up his ass, along with the one already there when he turned swiftly like the wind and threw a dagger at you. A metal hand caught it before it could hit you and you were pulled into the warmth of Bucky’s body quickly.

“Steve! Cut it out.” Bucky yelled, glaring at Steve. “You will not kill her again. I don’t care if she can come back alive again. You won’t hurt her.”

With that, he dropped the dagger on the ground and walked away with you. Unable to resist, you looked over you shoulder and flipped Steve off. Fucker could kill you a hundred times and yet he would not be able to do anything. As far as you were concerned, Bucky was as much your best friend as his. And if Steve Rogers couldn’t control his jealousy without trying to behead you every time he felt you were stealing Bucky from him, you would just have to make his death look like an accident.

“I don’t think I need to tell you that you can’t kill him either?” Bucky said teasingly, his eyes soft and fond. “I need you both to survive.”

You groaned, bumping your shoulder in his and snuggling into him as a cold breeze hit your wet clothes. He could read you like an open book.

“You are no fun Barnes.”

There was rubble and fires and shrieks. Natasha was yelling in Russian as she ran about with a fire extinguisher and Clint crawled out of his vents to help Bruce out who was turning a dangerous shade of green. Tony was sitting in the ruins of his kitchen, his mouth half open as he spied on the ensuing battle in the middle of it.

Sam was using his shield to push Steve away who was shouting curses that had probably not been invented yet. Bucky was holding you back by your middle, yelling in your ear to calm the fuck down but all you could think of to do was smacking Steve’s face with that chair that was currently on fire. You suppose once everyone was calm, you’d feel guilty about your part in destroying the Avengers kitchen but right now that wasn’t important.

What was important was that Steve had tried to kill you. Again. He had actually thrown a fucking grenade at you. You barely had the time to kick it away where it exploded in the kitchen and then Steve was on you, calling you a bitch in all the 9 languages he knew.

“Calm the hell down, Steve!” Sam yelled, struggling to keep Steve at bay from you. You were glad to see that Steve’s nose was busted. That will teach the bastard to ‘look down his nose’ on you now.

“She pierced my ears! The fucking bitch pierced my goddamn ears!” Steve yelled. Even you had to admit, the golden hoops looked amazing dangling from his ears. Just perfect.

“You are lucky I didn’t stick a knitting needle in your eye Rogers!” You sassily replied, “The only reason you’re still in one piece is because I promised my best friend that I wouldn’t hurt you.”

The muscles in Steve’s arms tensed and Sam groaned, barely keeping his own footing. A dark shadow seemed to have crawled over Steve’s face, turning the blues of his eyes an angry shade and had you been a weaker person, you would have trembled. This was the face of someone who had stood against armies alone and came out victorious. But for all you cared, he could kiss your ass.

“He is MY best friend. Mine. Not yours, not anyone else’s. Bucky Barnes is mine and I will kill you a thousand times until it sinks in your thick skull!” Steve growled. You scowled, a scathy remark bubbling on the tip of your tongue when you suddenly stopped. Why say when you can show? So, looking Steve directly in the eyes, you went limp in Bucky’s arms, turned around and cupped his face. And then you kissed his cheek.

Steve let out a strangled cry behind you, but you focused on Bucky who was blinking in disbelief at your audacity. And so, just for the heck of it, you kissed his other cheek. And then his forehead.

“Bucky Barnes, you are my best friend and always will be!” You said, hugging the life out of him. You heard Steve break away from Sam, heard Bucky yell out a curse and holding you protectively as his jealous pal came rushing to claim him. And all through that and the chaos that ensued later, you just smiled broadly.

Tony was giving a lecture, and he sucked. He gesticulated too much for your liking, and you really didn’t like how he kept emphasizing things by looking pointedly at you. It wasn’t even that much of a big deal, and even if it was, it was not your fault. Like every other time, the only person who could be held responsible was the blond super soldier sitting beside you, wearing the same shade of annoyance on his face as yours.

“I repeat” said Tony, his hair askew, “we do not use Friday to settle idiotic, absolutely ridiculous personal vendettas!”

“You have Friday tell you how pretty you look every day!” You countered and Tony slammed his hand on the table.

“Because I am!” He huffed. “You, on the other hand, stopped a mission in the middle to ask Friday who had a higher score! I mean, what the actual fuck? And what score?”

Steve had the decency to look at least a little sheepish. You however didn’t put up with any of that nonsense. It was his idea anyway, and you wouldn’t take the fall for him. Not when Tony looked murderous like this.

“Rogers bet me he’d take down more enemies than me. We only asked Friday to keep a count. I had literally nothing to do with it.”

Tony turned the ire of his glare at Steve who was too busy giving you a dirty look. He was just pissed you won, and that Bucky had spent the entire ride back tending to your wounds rather than Steve’s. It wasn’t your fault his jealous ass always threw a fit whenever he saw you and Bucky together.

“You said the team could use Friday as we saw fit.” Steve said, though he did look a little guilty. It wasn’t like him to lose command and control. Even when he’d been Captain America, he had never let anything rattle him. Not until you had come prancing in his life and stealing his best friend.

“I said the team could use Friday, not stop everything in the middle of a high risk mission to see who has a bigger dick.” Tony said, and then he just collapsed in his chair. Poor guy had been working too hard to carry the team forward, and in that moment, even you felt guilty. Your rivalry with Steve shouldn’t have to affect everyone else, not when they had been so welcoming and loving to you ever since you joined.

You walked over to Tony and dropped a kiss on his head, caressing his hair. “I am sorry Tones. You won’t have more trouble from me.”

Tony looked at you as if seeing an angel. He looked at you as if you were the solution to all his troubles. Despite every furniture of his you’d broken and set fire to, he was so grateful to have one sane voice between them. Cupping your hands, he looked imploringly at you and asked, “Really? You’re gonna stop fighting with Steve?”

At that, you solemnly nodded and patted his hand gently. Poor him and the poor team going through hell because you and Steve couldn’t settle your differences. It was obvious what had to be done.

“Of course I will” You said magnanimously, because of course you were the better of the two. “Steve just needs to find another best friend and there won’t be any reason to fight anymore.”

If any of them had been drinking water, they would have spit it out. Since they didn’t, they just kind of choked on their saliva and sputtered at you in absolute disbelief. Tony actually looked betrayed and Steve seemed to have licked a lemon, if the look on his face was anything to go by.

“She” He said, voice thick with contempt, “needs to go away. We can launch her in outer space or somewhere from where she can never return. You know why? Because Bucky is my best friend. Since we were yay high!” And he raised his arms a foot off the ground to show just how high.

And just like that, the moment was gone. Rogers opened his mouth and any goodwill you had had went poof. So, you did the only reasonable thing any sane person would do right now and that was to flip him off and call him a pig. You knew he was inching to strangle you; you could see his fingers twitch. A part of you was anticipating it, for Bucky would never forgive him for killing you again. Just as he would have lunged at you, push Tony out of the way and did you away for good, Bucky burst into the room with the expression of a cantankerous 100 year old grandpa who had had enough with the world.

“For fucks sake! Just shut up you both!” He yelled and paced the room. His eyes were bloodshot and hair disheveled, a clear sign that your rivalry was taking a heavy toll on him. Steve opened his mouth to say something when Bucky raised a finger to shush him. “No no no! You listen to me you oblivious, utter moronic fucklets!”

Your mouth dropped open. Bucky never cursed at you. He had never called you a fucklet before.

“You two need to stop. You hear me? You need to STOP!” He raked a hand through his hair before kicking the ground in frustration. “I can’t eat. I can’t sleep! I can’t fucking breathe without you both arguing over who is a better friend to me. So, here’s an idea. Instead of fucking me over in the middle of your sexual tension, why don’t you find a room and fuck each other? Because I tell you now, I cannot fucking take it!”

Silence sat pregnant in the room. You blinked at Bucky. Steve blinked at Bucky. Tony blinked at Bucky. And Bucky didn’t blink at all.

“That – uh – what?” You said, eloquent as ever. “That is so stupid.” And you laughed awkwardly.

Steve glanced at you and then stammered, “What? That – I haven’t – that has nothing to do with it. She and I – what?”

You both found each other’s eye, quickly looked away and just became silent. The tension in the air was suffocating you, and a terrible heat was settling in your stomach. Without another word, you walked out of the room, muttering about how ridiculous the whole idea was. The three men watched your exit, and a moment later, Steve left too, still very much in disbelief.

Tony and Bucky sighed, sitting across from each other and just taking in the fact that the elephant in the room had finally been address. A moment later, Tony began drumming on the desk, looking up at the ceiling.

“I couldn’t have put it any better myself.”

You felt antsy, as if staying one more moment in your room would drive you mad. You kept jerking your legs and arms, a weird restlessness in every action of yours. What the hell was Bucky saying? The sheer nerve to imply that you…you and Steve had some sort of feelings for each other. You hadn’t heard that kinda crap since you nursed your nephew who’d had diarrhea.

The only reason you and Steve fought was because you wanted Bucky. He was supposed to be your best friend, and clearly it was his inability to decide who he preferred more that had led you here. And to pretend, on top of that, that it was you who was at fault was just ridiculous. As if you’d touch Steve Rogers with a ten foot pole.

But…would you? You suppose he couldn’t be that bad to touch. He did have gorgeous eyes that got all dark and dilated when he fought with you. And his breath hitched when you got him mad and he bit his lip to stop from cursing you and he flushed a very becoming shade of red that started from his cheeks and disappeared down the neckline on his tight shirts that –

Holy fuck!

The realization rocked your world. What the hell? When you thought about it again, it seemed as if you’d just described Steve being aroused. Did you really fight him and got him mad to stimulate yourself? Oh god. Bucky was right. You wanted to fuck Steve.

This wouldn’t do. This wouldn’t do at all. You quickly changed into your work out gear and rushed to the gym, intent on sweating out whatever feelings you might have for Steve. After all, nothing says fuck you like imagining someone’s face on a punching bag and just going to town on it. Thankfully, when you arrived the gym was empty.

You’d been working on your stretches for only a few minutes when your worst nightmare entered the gym. He probably had the same idea as you and froze the moment your eyes met. His blue eyes narrowed at you and you stood up straight. You hated Bucky for putting the thought in your head. Now all you could think of was tackling Steve to the ground and fucking him senseless. You still wanted to beat him, but in a very different way.

As Steve entered, his eyes fixed to your form, you decided it was time to leave. After that fiasco in front of Tony, you didn’t think yourself capable of talking to Steve. Staying alone with him was something you didn’t trust yourself with. So you picked up your bag and started for the door when his voice stopped you.

“Running away? Am I to believe that there is something that finally scares you?”

Anger, red hot anger simmered under your veins when you turned to face him again. He had a mocking smirk on his face that made you grit your teeth. His eyes, dark and challenging beckoned you to him, but they didn’t hold resentment there either. Something between you had changed today. The very air around you was different, thick with tension and apprehension that had your nerves tingling.

“Scared?” You scoffed, dropping your bag on the matted floor and walking until you stood right before him. He towered over you in height, but he’d never been able to actually look down at you. “Me, scared of you? You wish Rogers.”

One corner of his lips lifted up, and he put his hands on you. One hand hooked around your waist and pulled you closer, the other trailing a finger down the side of your face to your neck, following the path down your arm until his fingers intertwined with yours.

“Oh, I so do wish” He whispered and his lips met yours. You rose up on your toes, mashing your body against his and mapping the planes of his body with your palms. The smell of his sweat and soap surrounded you, your arms coming to hold him around the shoulders as he hitched you up so you could wrap your legs around him.

Like everything in your relationship, the kiss was explosive. You didn’t melt against each other like people do in books; you collided like two warring armies intent on conquering the other. You collided like night and day, basking your surroundings in the dawn and dusk of your lust. Steve took your bottom lip between his teeth and bit down, smiling as you shamelessly moaned.

“What do you say?” He asked, pushing you against the wall, his hardness digging between the heated center of your legs.

You pulled him closer, letting your lips trail over his jaw and neck before you branded him with a quick bite. “You’ve always been so aggressive Steve, let’s see you let loose some other way. I sure do hope you fuck better than you fight though, or I’ll just be disappointed.”

Steve growled, kissing you again as he ground his cock against you, trapping you between the wall and his hard body that prevented any escape. Your hands slipped under his t-shirt, meeting the firm muscles on his abdomen that rippled under you. He pulled back just enough to allow you to remove your clothes, his own being flung sideways without any care.

Even before, you’d never thought of Steve as anything but beautiful, but now, seeing him in all his glory, you could only look him up and down in appreciation. He was trembling slightly, as if holding himself back with effort, his eyes not leaving you for a second. You both looked at each other, naked and unashamed before frantically coming together. His hands were everywhere, squeezing your ass and thighs as his lips pulled at your breast.

Your fingers rolled his nipples softly until he moaned, and then you pinched them. He jerked under your touch, kicking the back of your knees so you collapsed down, and he covered your body with his. Anger, arousal, lust and longing, all emotions built together in a storm of incoherent desire that had you both rolling over each other, fighting for dominance and power. Steve pinned you down with effort, holding your wrists in one hand over your head as he gave a smug smile to you.

“Will you finally surrender today?” He asked, positioning his cock at your entrance that was drenched. You would have loved to taste him, to have him taste you, but as of now, all you wanted was for him to slide inside you. You hungered for him, burnt for his touch. For years you’d been left wanting, and now with the prize so near, you weren’t about to wait any longer.

“The only surrender today will be yours.” You whispered sweetly before slamming your head against his. Steve jerked hard in surprise, allowing you the opportunity to free your hands and roll over him. You sat on his pelvis proudly, his throbbing member right underneath you and as he blinked at you, stunned, you rose up over his tip and slowly sunk down.

Steve groaned as your wet channel fell like velvet heat along his shaft. You had never been so full before. He stretched your limits, as he had always done, and you decided you very much preferred rendering him speechless like this under you than your usual punches and throws. His hands dug into your waist, helping you bounce on his cock and you threw your head back at the feeling.

It was a beautiful ache, one that took your breath away. As you rolled your hips and clenched down there, Steve’s voice rose in appreciation and you grinned. You finally had the golden boy at your mercy. You fucked him, changing your pace to punish him, never letting him up. For every time he killed you, you bit on his lips and neck, marking him. It was punishment and cherishing, a culmination of feelings you didn’t understand.

“Touch me.” You brokenly said, and his fingers found your nub. The slapping of skin, the sounds of debauchery and the smell of sin filled the air. You leaned over him to meet his lips, the heat in your gut bubbling until you snapped and came atop him, falling blissfully. It was one moment of weakness and the world titled, Steve having finally pushing you on your back.

“You’ve always been strong, because I’d hate to break you when the fun has only just begun.” He said and thrust into you hard and fast. He was an animal in heat, a man possessed, and you didn’t mind one bit. You met his every thrust with a raise of your hips, you clawed at his back until he bled, your lips tasting of the salt of sweat and tears and desire. He brought you impossibly closer, looking right into your eyes as he took you.

For the life of you, you couldn’t look away. You couldn’t get enough of his grunts and moans, of the breathy whispers of your name that slipped between curses, of the way his lashes would flutter over the dark blues that kept your eyes captive. He had you completely in that moment, mind and body; and for some reason, his gaze felt infinitely more intimate than his cock that was currently spearing you open. You keened in pleasure, whimpering as he touched your overly sensitive clit and had you coming again.

A minute later, he twitched inside you, his warmth flooding your core and you sighed. You laid entangled and sweaty, both of you spent and tired and yet completely overtaken by the urge to be closer still. To think this is what you’d both missed for all these years.

“So, what do you say, still feeling aggressive?” Steve asked and you looked at him with a grin that you couldn’t have suppressed had you wanted to. Oh yes, some battles were never meant to end, but they sure could be altered to meet new demands.

“With you? Always.” You replied, kissing him deep until he couldn’t think of anything but you. “Just remember one thing.”

“Oh yeah, what?”

“I am still a better best friend to Bucky. I did fuck you to keep him happy after all.”

Steve frowned darkly and before you could blink, he was over you, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“I think this time I’d fuck some manners into you.”

“I think this time you should actually put your back into it. I did all the work before.” You taunted and he dived at you.

Meanwhile, in Tony Stark’s office

“Friday, what’s the score?” He asked smugly, offering Bucky the packet of blueberries. Bucky was sitting with his feet on the desk, a small smile on his face.

“I am afraid I am not at a liberty to say Boss.” Friday replied. If the AI could blush, she would.

“Seems like they are at an impasse.” Tony suggested, and Bucky shrugged, licking his lips.

“Well, some things never change.”

#steve rogers x reader #steve x reader #bucky x reader #Steve Rogers #Bucky Barnes #crack fic #i think lol

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