#but my social anxiety is really bad lol

[thegoodthebadandtheart]

another year, still drawing people doing things to each other. you might or might not know this but i started working as a doctor this year and i'm happy/proud it hasn't kept me from still drawing my silly little fictional guys. it's not much but it's honest work.

thank you to everyone who's liking, reblogging and commenting on my art! it means everything to me <3

#yia* #a #i guess that sums up most of what happened this year already #i think everyone knows how bad the healthcare system is for workers but - it really is bad out here lol stay safe yall #so many sickly yellows in my picks for this year... what does it all mean #the doctor thing encompasses a bunch of stuff like. being a friggin doctor. doing ENT and liking it like i hoped i would. doing surgeries #earning proper money from a proper full-time job for the first time in my life. doing 24h shifts and being on call. #still haven't finished my thesis and honestly don't know how i'm supposed to with the time i have w/o killing every bit of joy in my life #but thus are the mysteries of existence #the girl with social anxiety who didn't understand starting i.v.s - she's come a long way and i rarely take the time to be proud of it. #also i'm proud of my gay fanart. equally as much i think. so here's YOUR reminder to be proud of YOU.

[da-proti-toku-grem]

i was having a midnight talk with my brother yesterday and i told him that when i went out with my friend the other day i didn't have any anxiety attack (like it usually happens to me every time i go out of my house), and you know i wasn't expecting him to say anything about it, people would usually go "...okay? 🤨" like, that's what it's supposed to be like, why would you have anxiety because of that? but he went: "Good! 😁" and high-five'd me

and i- i didn't know what to say but it warmed my heart :(

#i'm might or might not be tearing up a little as i write this #like. i don't think anyone has ever reacted like that when i tell smth like this #i think no one that i know irl really understand my social anxiety and everyone is like 'oh she's just shy' #and when i gather the courage to do smth that makes me feel really anxious (but it's considered 'normal' and 'not a big deal') people just - #- laugh it off in front of my face and they're like 'oh look at her! she did [whatever]' #and idk if it makes me more sad or angry. definitely both #but i never say anything ofc bc my fucking anxiety doesn't let me be mean to anyone on purpose even if they really deserve it sometimes #(well. that might just be my personality in general more than my anxiety but oh well) #fuck i'm ranting again but yeah. i felt good that someone for once didn't just laugh and actually acknowledged that it is hard for me #but i did it anyways and i didn't feel bad about it (just this time but smth is smth) #and i should be proud of myself for taking these little steps (i'm telling this to myself to convince me that it's true) #(idk it's working really well lol) #maca speaks #venting #(the venting was more just the tags but you get it)

[allaganexarch]

aaaaaahhhh i'm so hype I have my first legit korean lessons today!!!

#personal #exciting korean learning tag #i've been wanting to try italki for like months but (a) schoolwork got the better of me this term LOL #(b) there are sooooooo many options so it took me a long time to decide on some tutors to try #(c) once i finally thought I had a short list some random youtube video recced preply so i looked at it #instantly found aNOTHER tutor I felt like i would really like #but then read a bunch of HORROR STORIES about how preply works and how the system screws over its tutors a lot #but i was like well okay but i really like this tutor so LOL #(d) so then all of this accomplished i ran up against 'oh my social anxiety isn't even that bad except when it is' #so i had to be batshit insane like looking up what the etiquette is for booking lessons and contacting potential tutors sdkjnfkjfnnf #ANYWAY i think this will really help me improve a lot!! #i do extremely well with one-on-one teaching bc i have a pathological need not to waste ppl's time LOL #and my main problem rn is it's hard to consistently create opportunities to practice + hold myself accountable #so assuming these tutors work out i'm hoping to start doing lessons a couple of hours a week :)

[vilelittlecritter]

Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"

People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"

Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"

#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse #like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont #ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean #i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun #lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly #oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well #the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that #oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour #as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little #so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends! #ha ha. this is agony. #i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone #which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one #also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse #i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy #its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking #yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much #im also just really snappy sometimes #I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine #they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them #i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents #they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them #sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone #i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it #sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay #I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor #again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon #if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed #personal rambles #vent tag

[birdmenmanga]

I feel so silly btw. I literally biked past the post office today and I forgot to bring the pakige with me... thw pakige and posties.... what am I doing...

#just thinking thoughts... #TODAY FEELS EXTRA DIFFIFCULT SOMEHOW #MAYBE ITS" BECAUSE OF THE SOCIAL ENGAGEMENT LATER> BUT I THINK I CAN GO THIS TIME #I really think I can go this time. #I'm not like at a crying about it level of anxiety this time #I was worried because it sounded like a ton of birdmutuals were getting sick and I wondered if the pandemic was getting bad #but I asked the landlord (runs a clinic downstairs) about the situation and he said it was better than the previous period #and how the flu was probably what I should watch out for so definitely wear my mask (which I was going to do anyways) #I dunno man I really dont want to catch covid a second time. if it happens again well. #I am just straight up swearing off going to events with more than 3 people. lol. #like I got hospitalized for the first and second time in my life in the 6-month period after I got covid for the first time... #coincidence or something more.

[birdietrait]

lil reminder that my inbox is always open if you ever wanna send me random asks 🥺 whether you want to know more about my sims, or just tell me about ur day, i am always happy to reply !!

#birdie replies #obviously don't be a jerk lol #but idk i'm very shy and my social anxiety has been really bad for the past few years and i just want to try and break out of my shell more #<333

[oh-bonerline]

seeing all these TikTok comments on both Taylor Swift and 1975 concert videos where people are like “how are those people just sitting/standing there??” like it makes them lesser fans or something and I’m feeling self conscious because I will probably also just be sitting/standing there but it’s because I’m old and shy and don’t know what to do at concerts anymore :)

#I really wanna see the 1975 if they do a second NA leg #but I’m so scared their fans will make me feel bad about myself lol #please I have social anxiety #I promise I’m losing my mind on the inside #alexa play frail state of mind

[chrisbangs]

.

#every now and then i think abt deleting every single social media and dying . like #i really genuinely think abt just dying fr like #👎👎👎 #there's only 1 person i've been wanting to talk to lately #and like no one else lol #i just feel so fucking out of my head #why is everything so fucking bad #i barely leave the basement these days .. i just stay in bed and sleep #and i have less than a week to get the fuck over this random stupid rut i'm in #because fucking classes start on tuesday #i wanna kms so bad lol #like i would rather be dead than do another year of college rn #it's so fucking bad for me lmfao #i don't have any support or anyone to talk to and i feel like i'm going fucking crazy #i'm on academic probation is the best part so if i fuck up this semester i get kicked out which like part of me would love ik like #the part of me that's tired and exhausted and just done with everything i wouldn't mind being kicked out but #the ik . that my parents would fucking kill me knowing that i wasted 4 years worth of tuition money and just fucking flopped as a student #waking up wishing i hadn't woken up every fucking day... i feel sick inside... #my anxiety is spiking all over again and i can barely even organize my thoughts lately #i literally threw up last night cause i worked myself up into such hysterics . like lmfao... #i cant get a grip and i cant get the fuck over how bad i feel and no one fucking LISTENS when i saw i hate this and i'm not good enough for #this fucking subject i wanna fucking kill myself holy fuck it's crazy how much i wanna die.. #i used to wonder abt that 4th year kid who killed himself when i was at my old uni like how fucking bad was it for him that in his last year #he just couldn't take it anymore and now i'm in the funniest position of literally understanding exactly where he was lol #last year... and i cant do it... i just cant fucking do it and i wanna kill myself i think about it every day i think about it 24/7 and #i'm just so... tired doesn't even encompass what i'm feeling right now i'm fucking exhausted and empty and i have nothing left man i cant #fucking do this... every day im dragging myself kicking and screaming to school and dealing with a 4 hr round trip commute in the shitty ass #weather that we get and getting verbally and emotionally abused by profs and getting 0 acknowledgment for ANYTHING and it's not like my work #is even GOOD enough to begin with so ofc it's not gonna get any acknowledgment like jdjdjdkdkskd i just dont . have it in me to do this #for another fucking year... i literally cannot do this... and i have no other thoughts in my head other than killing myself lmfao...

[jinglecats]

having that 4bidden thot about having a lil mutuals/friends only discord server but man am I not confident in my ability to run a server 😩

#on god I want to talk to more ppl/make more friends but like #I have really bad like. social shit + anxiety so its stupid hard #to talk to other ppl especially one on one unless the other person is fine w initiating a lot <X| #the only thing I can think of that'd work is like watch parties n similar but augh #uhh anyways like. #mutuals can pm me for my discord info if you want to at least have that established or st lol

[more-ofyou-tolove]

Danganronpa Online is apparently still around.

#i used it briefly way back when but it was when my social anxiety was really bad lol #danganronpa online

[camscendants]

Genuinely can’t imagine what it’s like to not have social anxiety

Like you’re telling me not everyone feels like they’re gonna collapse after talking to a new person after 20 seconds?

#like at noahs concert I was literally shaking after getting my merch #idk why tho #Elliot was nice #all I had to do was say what I wanted and hand him my money #but it still took me a few minutes to recuperate from that #like it’s so bad I can’t text properly #texting stresses me tf out #that’s a big reason why I don’t answer my messages a lot of the time #like I really can’t imagine being super extroverted and loud #like I physically have to force myself to do the most basic things #asking my teachers questions is a big thing too #it really shouldn’t be so much of a challenge but it is #it must be so nice and freeing to just do whatever #and like. I don’t have social anxiety in the sense of I’m thinking I’ll get made fun of or anything #I just physically struggle to do stuff cause I don’t know why #few months ago in biology we were doing punnet squares and there was one on the board two others had already gone up and gotten wrong #I knew I knew the correct answer and raised my hand. he let me up and I shook the whole time #got some chocolate since I was right but I had to sit there and breathe for a few minutes cause I was literally shaking and my heart was #going crazy. literally just like that jaiden animations video #I should mention this to my therapist lol #imagine being normal #🤷 #social anxiety #anxiety

[decembermoonskz]

It’s really hitting me today that ppl really like my work, like, even enough to mention me in their cc recs, and that’s… wild. especially with how out of whack and not active I’ve been in terms of writing, idk I just- thank you so much <3

#izzy.txt★ #tw anxiety mention #tw anxiety #idk I’m just feeling really overwhelmed both in good and bad ways #good bc when I realize that ppl actually enjoy my work or are inspired by me or think highly of me (in terms of writing I mean) that’s crazy #and bad would be just bc I’m overwhelmed and feeling buckets of anxiety due to my final essay and yeah lol #it’s just wild to me bc as I mentioned I’m not very active rn but ppl still think of me or my fics and that’s insane with how quick and #current social media is yk? #just thank you so much I just feel like if I put this out there I’ll feel more at ease <3 #you all are so wonderful and I hope you know that when I think about stuff like this I feel so much more peaceful and I’m beyond thankful

[poirot]

the last couple weeks reminded me of how much I hate social media culture 😭 sometimes I think I would be so much happier if I just deleted all my socials but then I remember how addicted I am to social media and don‘t have the guts to actually do it ahsjdje

#yes this is prompted by the heard/depp case lol #people from either side are so fucking tiring #i blocked like every possible word relating to this case #and still see posts about it 😭 #like HOW #anyways #social media can be so tiring #because people will have the dumbest most uninformed opinion #which I guess is true for ‚real life‘ interactions as well ahsjd #but gladly I avoid any form of human contact in my ‚offline‘ life #anxiety can be a blessing sometimes LOL ahsje #also with pride month there is so much hate coming up as well #and I just don‘t WANNA SEE IT 😭 #i really don‘t need to know how many ignorant assholes exist #my anxiety is bad enough lately anyways 😭 #idk idk I just hate social media sometimes ahsjd #but then I’m also really obsessed with it LOL #ignore me *sighs* #i stopped taking my anxiety meds and I’m going through it tm #shut up sabrina

[n7punk]

alright, ive reached that point. i need some of the DIY recipes on my wishlist to finish an acnh build. if anyone has extra cards or knows like a discord server or something where people are nice with trades, i would appreciate any help.

ive got bells, every OTHER item in the game catalogued, at least one of every gyroid, every flower (dont know their genetics anymore), and a decent amount of crafting materials barring gold to trade

#no nook miles i spent them all on this build LOL #acnh #animal crossing #animal crossing new horizons #mylife #also my fatigue is super bad so im not very talkative #but its been like 9 months since this update came out and im still struggling to get the stuff i need #(now i didnt play for like 6 of those months but shhh) #i used to do trades through a tumblr hub account and everyone was nice there #but its defunct now #and the one time i used another people were kinda abrasive so :( my social anxiety is not really interested going back

[astrxealis]

sometimes (often) i think about the characters i kin or relate to and then the realization comes in again and again that i need therapy (/lh?)

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #unfortunately i doubt i will ever get therapy bcs i have this. thing. idk. but i believe in myself to just rely on myself? #and yeah i uhh can go on more about that BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS sorry i suck at explaining things. anyways #humans. interesting. i am fascinated by humans and myself and i'm tired of typing now GOODBYE anyways xiv music is so fucking good #and also idk how to interact w others sorry ..... i am scared of getting close to people bcs everyone i've grown close to has ended up #leaving me or i mess up! but tbh it's better now i think and also not as bad as i think but sorry i still have bad issues with. that #me saying i don't want to type anymore and then proceed to rapidly type out so many words oopsies #pls just do not PERCEIVE ME !! unless you want to ig but idk why you'd want to do that uhm #yk i like tumblr most out of all social medias bcs it feels like i can... sort of just be my weird self here! and it's not fully nice #and i still have anxiety problems and overthinking problems and whatnot which is evident by my 100+ notifs i havent checked since #christmas but that's not the point (?) idk whats the point honestly uhhhh nvm (??) #OH I LOVE FF SO MUCH tbh it's w/o a doubt still my favorite series ever but drake/nier is also up there for sure #which i think is amazing bcs i have yet to finish a game. and ive only like played idk 5 hours of replicant and automata #and then ive already spoiled myself on important aspects of all games but that helps ngl uh. i could explain but im tired of typing #ANYWAYS GOD actually noehgjbsejhbghjes i really suck w interacting w others i really wish i were better at all that #im not super introverted or shy im just kinda awkward and anxious but im a fun person and all and idk #and tbh its interesting thinking abt my personality... some parts of me havnt changed at all from a bit (/pos) like my lively. aspect of my #personality !! i was a bundle of energy and a little annoying (perhaps unintentionally but now i think its a bit more on purpose lol) #but the only person who really sees my true self is me. and the closest to that is lune. but even i dont know who i really am #and yeah... wnvr im like woa ill make more friends !! and then when i have the opportunities i suddenly dont care anymore IT SUCKS #anyways i think i have Opportunities now again so lets see haha ?? at least uhh in school. its like 2nd sem and i dont rlly have friends #as usual haha that sounds so sad help BUT its not like im disliked im just rlly quiet and shy at school..... throwback to 7th grade tho #that was rlly the worst but also now is just as bad in a diff sense but back then i cldnt talk w my crush at ALL i didnt speak at all im so #sorry about that HELPPP I RLLY JUST CLDNT SPEAK anyways moving on in my class rn i do have a group of sorts. like #we're grpmates wnvr theres grpworks and we can pick which is nice! ive been classmates w em all b4 and theyre the cool kids #but in the more fandom sense and one used to be a close friend of my twin and of mine too by extent and then the other was someone #who knew me when i was more extroverted so yeah uhhh anyways #OKAY ALMOST MAX TAGS im DONE rambling. bye. hopefully. bye. oh god

[cerealmonster15]

All my vague resolutions for the year are about capoeira….

Better form 🤔 wanna learn more floreios, gonna keep practicing Portuguese so I can sing the songs better without feeling like I’m about to have a nervous breakdown and CRY <- almost happened again yesterday lol 😬

#social anxiety spikes still happen even tho I’ve gotten more comfortable with the people #like it’s just. scary #singing in general is so vulnerable #and then doing it in a language I don’t know and following a melody I don’t know #and also while playing instruments sometimes #it’s scary and overwhelming !!! #i do not want people to Hear Me #so when there’s less people I get more nervous bc it’s more obvious i am fumbling #and like I know it’s fine. logically. however. #i have always had really bad anxiety I HATE standing out #just getting comfortable doing rodas was hard #and I still get nervous before them #but ough my voice is a whole other thing #so I wanna get more comfortable with all things related to the bateria #bc somehow that’s scarier than the actual moves lol