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the-insomniac-emporium · 3 years

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Bound Blood (Cassandra Dimitrescu/Reader, Soulmate AU) Pt. 1

Fandom: Resident Evil: Village Rating: T for blood, language, brief nudity. Later chapters will be M Warnings: Nah fam Summary: Local vampire finds out she can't kill soft human (because they're soulmates, baby), human becomes insufferable bastard, oops they fuck later. Soulmate AU where if one person gets injured, their soulmate feels the same amount of pain and receives a scar in the relevant area.

1: Sharing Is (Not) Caring

It’s not that you had expected to survive this- being locked in the dungeon of Castle Dimitrescu, waiting for the day you’re picked to be someone’s meal. Oh no, you had given up on surviving long ago, it was just that… well, you had hoped that someone with a softer touch would do you in. But here you were, too exhausted to cry, hanging naked in front of none other than Cassandra Dimitrescu. Her eyes were trailing you up and down, examining every inch of your skin, every flaw, every unique trait. It was like she was making a mental map of which parts of you would taste best. Goddamn, you wanted to spit in her face, or scream, or say something, anything that might make her feel even an ounce of what you had felt for weeks.

But you know that she’s already planning to kill you, and to make it painful. Why give her any more reason? Why dare her to find a worse way to end your life? There was no good answer, so you stayed still, just watched her move. Maybe if you looked bored enough she’d make it quick, just stab a knife in you and drink you up like a capri sun. Or, maybe, if you kept a straight face, she would admire your courage. Oh, how you longed for people to think of you kindly now, in your last moments, when dying clean and pretty was no longer an option.

Pulling a blade from some hidden sheathe, Cassandra approaches you with a wicked grin. There’s still blood on her lips from her last victim. Had they not sated her? Or had she been like this for some time? When she inevitably drank from you, how long would your blood remain on her lips? You weren’t sure that you wanted to know. In your mind, you picture her cleaning up as soon as she was done with you. It does not make you feel any better. Neither does the way she traces a finger across your chest, left to right, practicing for the incision to follow. She pauses to lick her lips, making direct eye contact as she does.

What happens next passes by so quickly that you don’t process any of it until the whole ordeal is over. The blade’s tip digs into your chest, just below your collarbone, before dragging along half the width of your torso. It hurts like hell, but you manage to keep your misery to yourself. But your pain is soon replaced with confusion; Cassandra screams, loud enough to echo throughout the basement, doubling over herself. In an instant her knife has clattered to the floor, forgotten. Instinct takes over your brain, the default programing kicking in, and you say something that fills you with instant regret.

“Are you okay?” Your voice is a bit quiet, and raw, worn out from lack of hydration. But it is enough, evidently, for Cassandra to hear. She’s rising back up and glaring at you, one hand clutching her chest. Something in her expression tells you that she thinks you’re mocking her. While that wasn’t technically the case, there was a part of you that found joy in this, watching your captor get a taste of their own medicine. The question left in your mind was why she was in pain. “I’ll take that as a no,” you said, again left with regret at your choices.

Now her hand is swiping at your face, nails cutting you open. Once more she hisses in pain, now clutching her head, shaking a little as she does. When she meets your gaze, you see that she’s more confused than anything. More than that, you see the marks on her face, knowing instantly that they match your own. Oh hell no, you thought, grimacing.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Cassandra growled through clenched teeth. Bouncing back and forth on her heels, she seems tense, unsure of how to process what’s happening. You feel the same way, desperately wanting to pretend that this doesn’t mean you’re her soulmate. Maybe the universe had just messed up, crossing some wires, or decided to pull a prank on the two of you. Either way it was better than the alternative. Eager to think about something else, you start considering your options. The first that comes to mind is ridiculous. Stupid, really. But would it amuse you? Absolutely.

“Not gonna lie, I feel better about the idea of you killing me now. Feel free to make it painful, darlin’, I won’t mind,” you snarked, lips curling up into a smirk. Oh boy was it satisfying to watch Cassandra’s response. One of her hands raises to smack you, only for her to freeze before releasing a torrent of swears. Hurting you meant hurting herself. “What’s the matter? Can’t handle a little aching? Haven’t you ever imagined what it’s like to be on the other side of things? Under the blade yourself, blood soaking your skin, eyes too dry for even a single tear? Poor thing,” you purred, tone as teasing as it could get. Apparently it’s aggravating enough for Cassandra to fight through the pain, as she slams her fist into your stomach, leaving both of you gasping for breath. “This is fun-” you pause to cough out a few drops of blood- “really, really fun. Hey, if you kill me, how bad do you think you’ll feel?”

Before Cassandra can react, either to speak or hurt you worse, the sound of approaching footsteps draws her attention. From where you hang you can’t see much, too many cells and hanging bodies blocking your vision. But your “soulmate” seemed to know who was coming. Her face scrunches up a little, and she adjusts her robes, trying to cover the mark on her chest. Had you not still been coughing, you would have sarcastically asked her how she intended to hide her face.

“What the hell is going on, Cassandra?” An unfamiliar voice asked. The footsteps grew louder, and faster, until the new figure stood in the same cell as you. Not even bothering to spare you a glance, she approaches Cassandra, reaching to examine her face. “Did a prisoner manage to get you? I’ve told you a thousand times-”

“Don’t fucking touch me, sis,” Cassandra snapped, pushing away her sister’s hand. Both of them are visibly tense, and for a moment they stand still, staring each other down. Then the sister (who you assume to be Bela, from things you’ve overheard recently) shifts her focus to you. Something tells you that she has no intentions of being gentle.

“Did you do this, you rotten little thing?” Bela questioned, glaring at you hard enough to send a shiver down your spine. But that doesn’t stop you from trying to have some more fun.

“Oh, of course I did! I rattled my chains real good, scared the shit out of her, made her fall on her own knife a few times. You know, like that one musical?” You must look insane as you speak, grin wide but face dripping with blood. If it unnerves Bela, she hides it well, though you doubt it does. As soon as you’re done poking fun she’s pulling out her sickle. Still grinning, you make eye contact with Cassandra, who realizes what’s happening a second too late. Then the two of you cry out in unison, as the blade carves into your shoulder. Instantly Bela pulls back, stunned, turning to her sister with genuine concern. “I might have lied. Rest assured though, it was for comedic purposes.”

The next thing you know the two sisters are shuffling away from you, Cassandra begrudgingly being dragged along by Bela. Though the younger of the two had been adamant about not receiving help, she now had little choice in the matter, skin searing from your blood bond. Even you are starting to breathe harder than you’d like.

“Was it something I said?” You barked, barely able to manage a fit of giggles between your coughing. Bela shoots you a glare over her shoulder, but quickly returns her attention to her sister. They talk, quickly, soft enough that you can only make out a few words here and there. It’s hard to make meaning from it, especially considering their vastly different tones. Cassandra is pure anger, gestures fast and wide, while Bela is oddly solemn, even regretful. When you finally catch a couple full sentences, things start to make a little more sense, though you wish they didn’t.

“We can kill them painlessly, in their sleep. That way you won’t have to suffer,” Bela whispered. She’s doing her best to comfort her sister, despite the tension in the room, gently patting her on the back. Briefly, you make eye contact with her. In that moment she looks equal parts executor and unwilling jury. But she looks away quickly, even shifting her angle to prevent it from happening again.

“No, fuck that, fuck this, I’m… I’m not killing them. Nobody is,” Cassandra growled, daring to emphasize her point by pushing Bela away. Now it’s her turn to look at you, brows furrowed, eyes betraying something more than just anger. Somehow it’s a million times worse than when she first came in. You strain yourself trying to look away, cursing the chains keeping you in place, resorting to closing your eyes and pretending none of this was real. “I don’t care what you think, Bela. They’re already my ‘meal’, might as well get what enjoyment out of this that I can.”

Again, footsteps echo through the basement. Tension locks your muscles in place, and your eyes are still clamped shut, to the point that you don’t realize your chains are being undone until you’ve hit the ground. Cursing under your breath, you finally open your eyes again. There’s blood on the floor, only some of it yours, and you’re suddenly aching for a bath. More than that, though, you’re praying for something to cover yourself with. Certainly Cassandra didn’t need to see everything, now that you weren’t a piece of meat for her to enjoy? As if reading your mind, the middle Dimitrescu daughter flings open a nearby cabinet, messily searching for something. Eventually she gives a hum of approval, then tosses a blanket in your direction.

“Put it on, dipshit, then follow me,” she snapped, already walking away. For a moment you’re tempted to stay there, sitting still, waiting to see how long it would take for her to notice. But one look from Bela sends the thought back to whatever crevice of your mind it crawled out of. So you’re moving, hastily, awkwardly wrapped in a somewhat itchy blanket. Other prisoners eye you as you pass, some shouting curses or even spitting at you. At first Cassandra takes no notice, or simply doesn’t care, but eventually the noise seems to irritate her. Turning back, she takes her sickle in hand and slams the handle into the bars of a cell. It’s loud, making you flinch, but gets everyone’s attention. “Next one to make a peep gets the blood eagle!”

“Is that, like, a sex thing?” The words leave your mouth before you can stop yourself. Laughter rings out around you from the few prisoners capable of it. Cassandra is seething again, looking about ready to kill you. Then she’s shifting into swarm mode, spreading out wide, insects barreling through half the occupied cells. A few cries escape the prisoners, as the flies take bites out of them, cutting a perfect balance between pain and (a lack of) lethality. They’d be suffering for days to come, every movement making their wounds ache. “Not a sex thing, got it,” you muttered to yourself, just as Cassandra reforms in front of you. This time she grabs the blanket you’re wrapped in, using it to tug you forward, sending you towards the exit.

“Shut up for five minutes and I might let you put on actual clothes,” she growled, keeping one hand on your back to guide you. The offer is the closest thing to kindness you’ve seen from her, and you have half a mind to do what she says. Would you actually manage to keep quiet for that long? Well, you were certainly looking forward to finding out...

#cassandra dimitrescu #cassandra dimitrescu x reader #resident evil: village #re8 village #*evil laughter*#i know I said this would have fluff #but it turned into humor oops #yes this will be the best trope #enemies to friends to lovers

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kumaradosha · 3 years

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I’m seeing a whole lot of bad takes and ignorance of past/present content and lack of critical thinking or ability to understand character motives regarding this most recent Dream SMP lore. So please, allow me to lay down some facts, some sense, and also some speculation of my own. This’ll be really rambly, because I’m tired, and I want to say a lot. Rewatching ALL the streaming perspectives now, my thoughts start here:

Considering Sam doesn’t want to enter the cell to dirty his hands himself, he clearly has some aversion or moral qualms about torturing prisoners, but Quackity has convinced him to go along with it. Quackity spends a lot of time before he goes into the cell repeatedly making sure Sam won’t have a change of heart and intervene, which indicates Sam probably has some misgivings. Quackity feels he has to remind Sam that this is for the greater good and to stand back and let him do his thing and that this will probably be the last time. These are all reassurances and instructions that would not be necessary if Sam were known to be totally cool with it all already.

Sam believes the stringent measures Dream put in place for the prison are just desserts for him to suffer, but Techno doesn’t deserve the same cruelty, because Techno didn’t enact those rules. And that’s why Techno gets baked potatoes from Sam, and Dream doesn’t. Sam clearly believes this harsh treatment is justified, because Dream was going to do it to someone else. He thinks he’s being just. Of course, allowing the torture, though not his idea and not really comfortable to him, was still crossing a line, considering physical torture was not something Dream did to his victims (and besides, there’s the argument that not everything a criminal has done is morally correct to be done to the prisoner regardless). That, he was convinced, was for the greater good, to get the revive book. Quackity manipulated him; he thinks he’s doing what’s best, but no, of course that doesn’t make him right or his hands clean.

Sam wanted the dog dead because it’s a security risk, especially with Quackity entering the cell with two other people. He killed it later for the exact same reason. Y’all act like nobody else has ever killed an animal in Minecraft RP; get it together. Is Sapnap also evil? Tommy? He killed his own cat. Random animals are not treated with the gravity you guys are giving them; it makes no sense to call out this one time.

When Techno raised the point that he would be fine if Quackity killed him, because Dream could just bring him back, Dream countered with his warning that Techno doesn’t want to experience death, judging by how messed up it made Tommy. What motive would he have to argue that, aside from actually caring about Techno’s well-being? If Dream was only thinking of himself, he would benefit from Techno being willing to die and be brought back to life by him, giving him an easy reason not to give the resurrection knowledge to Quackity. I honestly can’t think of a reason he would argue other than the fact that he doesn’t want Techno to die even temporarily or experience death--that he cares. Interesting...

Dream hiding in the escape tunnel to make it look like he disappeared too was 5,000 IQ, but he didn’t do it just to be silly or smart. Quackity literally threatened to kill Dream when he came back. Dream HAD to pretend to disappear, because he was legitimately in fear for his life. You saw how terrified he was when Sam found him, how he just immediately begged him not to tell Quackity. He was afraid Quackity would come back and kill him before Techno managed to come back and break him out. He believed that would be his fate and had to make a last ditch attempt to avoid that outcome.

Phil confirmed on stream that the blueprints Techno was led to via coordinates are for the prison. Not Tubbo’s missing nuke, like I’ve seen speculated.

“Steve is your polar bear” was written on stream during the “Prison Podcast” Technoblade lore. This is not a mystery. Dream said he wrote it down when Techno started talking about Steve rescuing them.

If Sam doesn’t approve of Quackity killing Dream, why doesn’t he just tell Quackity Dream is still in the prison but not allow Quackity in anymore? Quackity needs Sam to lead him inside, to let him in. Since when did he have any power against Sam to force him to let him in? I don’t understand why Sam has to keep it a secret just to keep Dream alive. Just don’t let Quackity into the prison anymore. Clearly it was a bad idea, since all these security risks happened while Quackity was getting a free pass to not follow the rules of the prison.

Dream casually walking in the way of Sam’s pickaxe to disrupt his swing once Sam almost had the bell broken gets me every time.

The rapport between c!Dream and c!Sam in prison fascinates me. Clearly Dream is much bolder with Sam than Quackity and still seems to trust his sense of duty to a degree. Sam is also more malleable, convinceable, his fatal flaw being actually listening and talking to Dream, even after it clearly messes with him psychologically. He let Quackity manipulate him, too, and he compromises too much. That might seem weird to say, considering the harsh conditions he has Dream in, but. He does give in to a few things.

I’m wondering if Dream wanted to go to the courtyard hoping it was less secure and easier for Techno to break him out of.

Sam has no reason to lie and gaslight about Dream being the one to suggest raw potatoes and sealing up the courtyard. That’s not in his character to do. So clearly Dream suggested these things. In fact, we have proof. Search for the clip of Dream revealing a teaser for future lore, with him telling Sam the hole in the courtyard ceiling for the light is a security flaw. He straight up says that. Update yourselves. Furthermore, are the recordings we have of Dream suggesting nicer features for the prison even lore? Are they in-character, or was it cc!Dream and Sam making plans? I’m genuinely asking, because I don’t remember/am not sure. In any case, clearly the plans changed at some point, and they were Dream’s idea.

Dream said he didn’t realize how bad it was until after he experienced it. This could very well be a lie. However, it could also be a wake-up call. We just don’t know. Dream clearly possesses low empathy, and every person at some point doesn’t fully realize how poorly another being can feel in a bad situation. Sometimes it actually does take experiencing it yourself to realize how it feels. People can do cruel things to others before the empathy fully clicks. It is possible that Dream really does only now understand how harsh his plans were. Unfortunately, it’s just as likely he doesn’t care and is pretending to, because he has a history of acting, lying, and manipulating. We just do not know, and I think that’s part of the fun, the speculation. Note that none of this is excusing what he’s done; that bores me. I just like understanding characters and their psychology and motives.

Sam is ASKING if Dream had this prison built for Tommy. He is suspicious that that is the case. Dream did not TELL him this, because OBVIOUSLY Sam would have absolutely nothing to do with building a prison he knew Dream meant for Tommy. So no, Sam thought it was for something else. And guess what? It was. Back during the disc war finale stream, Dream told Tommy and Tubbo that the prison was originally intended for someone else (maybe multiple people, the number was not specified), but that he changed his mind and would now put Tommy in it (ha ha punny). Tubbo asked who it was originally intended for, and Dream wouldn’t tell him, preferred to keep it a mystery. Dream had zero reason to say this if it weren’t true. In fact, it would have been more impactful to pretend (or admit) he intended it for Tommy all along. Think of the horror, or even the betrayal finding out Sam, his friend, helped make it. So yes, there is every indication that it is the truth--Dream meant the prison for someone else at first.

And Dream didn’t argue with Sam’s accusations, because why WOULD he? If he didn’t tell Tubbo who it was for, he wouldn’t tell Sam now. Plus, he wouldn’t want to argue with Sam, make him more heated and less sympathetic, and risk him deciding to tell Quackity Dream was there after all. Dream has no reason to speak up. Let Sam think what he wants. Dream’s silence does not mean confirmation. This is not a new thing with him. He keeps things mysterious, and there is a lot about his planning and mindset he does not disclose.

Now, whether Dream made the prison harsher before or after he decided he wanted Tommy in it is up for speculation. We don’t know that timeline.

Anyway, Sam’s speech about Dream getting what he deserves is really delicious. All these people out here mocking Dream fans for Dream still being in prison (like Techno’s not imminently coming to break him out, hello?) and being told off by Sam, yet plenty of us are enjoying it, too, like?? Bruh, what kind of Mary-Sue-touting asshole likes characters who are flawless who never go through strife? Can’t be me. I love watching my favs through triumph AND despair, so this is all just a win for me, thanks.

It is possible to sympathize with a bastard who is highly flawed and wrong AND to understand his motivations without justifying his actions AND to realize he deserves punishment (though to what degree I don’t care to argue). All the black and white morality and taking one extreme stance of “this character is perfect!” OR “this character is wholly evil and only ever does things to be sadistic!” and polarizing the community is cringe, yo. You need to calm down. Enjoy the ride or like...get off?

Anyway, Dream is my favorite, Techno is my second favorite, I adore Sam, I really enjoy Quackity, and the SMP wouldn’t be the same without Tommy. So much love for all of this creative work and its creators. I’m having a blast.

#Dream SMP #DSMP #Dream #DreamWasTaken #Technoblade #Awesamdude #Quackity #TommyInnit #Tommy Innit #fandom discourse #Dream SMP lore #Dream SMP theories

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mk-wizard · 3 years

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Optimus Prime is always the hero...?

Hello, fans. If you recall, a while ago, I brought up that in the IDW comics, Megatron tried to stay on the straight and narrow, and actually succeeded at it. So much so that even burying the hatchet with Optimus was on the table. In short, we have seen in the comics and in War for Cybertron that Megatron has what it takes to be a good guy because he is complex and not black or white.

In the midst of that, I got asked by a random person a while ago in a passing comment that I feel I still need to answer because it was just that interesting and worth giving thought. I warn you that this question may seem controversial and the type of thing that you would only expect to happen in wish fulfilment fanfiction, alternate universe or the Shattered Glass series, but trust me when I say it does merit thought because Transformers has become a very vast universe over the years and the characters have become very complicated. If it is possible for Megatron to go good, then is it possible for Optimus Prime to go bad?

I admit that if you asked me this question five years ago, I would have flatly told you “no” and kept it at that, but after writing an adaptation of Jekyll and Hyde my way that delves into the complexities of morality and how it affects our actions for better or for worse, it got me seriously thinking how it could possibly play out. After giving it some thought, I have come to the conclusion that it is not only possible for Optimus Prime to be an antagonist in a story, but a very compelling one.

To understand this, you need to be aware that an antagonist is not necessarily a villain or malicious. In fact, some of the most iconic and possibly destructive antagonists meant well, but did terrible damage either because their vision became an obsession that blinded them or because they had unresolved issues that caught up with them. In the case of Optimus, as good as gold as he is, it would be a bit of both. In both Prime and War for Cybertron, we see a very serious flaw in him that is too great to be ignored. Optimus is both incredibly stubborn and very set in his beliefs which can has proven to be both a disadvantage and a danger to those around him. He has a lot of trouble accepting facts if they conflict with his ideals or morals of how he believes things should be. It is a flaw that Wonder Woman also struggled with except unlike her, he is not as flexible when it comes to accepting that he is wrong. Optimus is so stubborn to the point where he will burn himself with up to ten packs before finally accepting even only the possibility that maybe he should stop playing with matches. This also reveals that Optimus has an egotistical side and while it is one that is with good intent in that he wants everyone to be happy and safe, but he is not willing to admit his vision just doesn’t work and in fact, hurts people.

For example, he believes Cybertron and its solar system would be a happier and more peaceful place if all Transformers were Autobots which I think everyone can agree with me when I say that this vision is not realistic nor true. Being an Autobot will not automatically make you a safer person to be around and swearing allegiance to the Prime doesn’t mean you will actually live by your oath. Also, for a lot of bots, the Autobot lifestyle was the source of a lot of pain and hardships such as for the slaves, gladiators or poor. To them, switching to another faction was their salvation. You cannot expect to go back to being Autobots when another lifestyle was how they got out of the hole. Another thing to consider is that some Transformers are law abiding and good, but just don’t want to be Autobots because honestly, why should you stop being who you are in order to prove you’re a law abiding citizen? Imagine going to a new place, having a clean record and wanting only a quiet life, but you’re denied entry simply because you refuse to renounce the faction you were born, raised and created an identity behind. This is essentially what Optimus did to the youngling Wedge who was initially a Deceptcon and while Wedge was too young to realize it then so he did without seeing the gravity of what he was asked to do, but imagine what is going to sink into his head when he realizes what he’s done.

Then you’ve got Transformers like Junkions, Maximals, Predacons, Insecticons (more recently), Pretenders and possibly more where being the faction they are is rooted into their CNA (Cybertronian DNA). They can ONLY be what they are and even they change a symbol, everyone will still see that these bots are not Autobots and will inevitably have an impact on society. Not to mention it is pretty darn cruel for the law to command someone to wear a mask or pretend to be something when their own biology screams that they are something else. The implications and oppression behind such a notion is just harrowing. Before I digress any further, the point is that Optimus’ spark is in the right place and on paper, it sounds like the ultimate Utopia where nobody feels the urge to conquer anyone because everyone thinks, looks, acts and believes the same, but... that is not the way the real world works. In the real world, evil is not an event you can just prevent. It exists everywhere even within the Autobot faction and being different is not just a basic right of all people it is nature and evidently, the will of Primus. This makes Optimus Prime famous quote “freedom is the right of all sentient beings” all the more ironic because deep down, his own view of the free world isn’t really free at all.

This brings us to the next point which also has a huge influence on Optimus that we have to consider and how it opens up the possibility can you could play an antagonist role in general. He is very traumatized by the war and this comes up subtly in Prime and in the Rescue Bots. Optimus uses the term “Decepticon” as another word for “evil” and he isn’t the only bot who has been through the war to do this. It is a realistic type of trauma that even the noblest of heroes will exhibit and just the fact that he would not even welcome a child like Wedge into a loving home unless he converted to Autobot is telling at how extensive this trauma is. This means that Optimus has a stigma towards Decepticons that is so severe that affects his judgement and even his actions. Chances are, it has also affected the way he sees factions and Decepticons. I highly doubt he would be willing to be friends with one even if they were harmless which is something that does get explored in the IDW comics a little. It is also only a matter of time before he starts having other episodes, PTSD and other things that will set off his paranoia further. This has nothing to do with him being good or bad. Optimus is a good person, but he isn’t perfect and war changes a person.

As the evidence and character development suggests, I think Optimus can make a very good antagonist for the right story and maybe, just maybe, there should be a series where is. Keep in mind, I say antagonist not bad guy. Optimus should never be painted as a bad guy not even when he makes bad decisions. He is not Unicron who has malicious intent and he isn’t Megatron who solves everything with hostility. Optimus Prime is a guy who has been scarred emotionally and physically, and doesn’t want that to happen to others to the point where he will inevitably go too far at times. That is normal and actually, to be expected. However, unlike most TF antagonists, he would eventually listen to reason and want to make a compromise, but not without some conflict. After all, learning to adapt after the war and remake Cybertron is a battle within itself and it is only now that Optimus along with other bots have a chance to finally begin healing. That will take time and work.

Since Hasbro is doing a prequel series, it is possible that they will do an epilogue series that deals with this and I don’t think it is a bad thing to show kids that war leaves scars. Learning to stop reacting to every bit stress with hostility is a real struggle for veterans.

Anyway, all of this is just my opinion and I would like to know what yours is. Do you think Optimus Prime being an antagonist could be possible?

Thank you for reading and as always, stay safe.

#transformers fandom #transformers fanfiction #transformers optimus prime #optimus prime #fan theory #transformers #war for cybertron #megatron #good #evil #morals #trauma #after the war #antagonist #faction #cybertron

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arcticdementor · 3 years

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That's been my conclusion too. I think a much more fruitful method of attack is to just hammer home what your politics are. If you like professionals being competent, people being allowed to speak freely, civilization being a good thing, children and families being a good thing, humans themselves being a good thing, etc., then you shouldn't be ashamed about that. Should instead point to the media that has a message you disagree with and point out why, and point to media you like and point to why you like that instead. I think that if you did this well, then it would be very possible to argue that the currently defined as "no politics" camp could easily frame themselves as the "morally healthy politics" camp, to oppose the "morally decrepit politics" camp. Like, to take an obvious moral value in the "healthy" camp: Truth and honesty. The "decrepit" camp will openly brag about inappropriately adding modern values (and things like women and inappropriate ethnicities) to historical narratives where they know that they're inappropriate, in order to deliberately mislead their audience about the past. It is incredibly easy to give an argument for why the people doing this are evil, and why we should instead be doing the opposite. Of course, that's not to say you can't have fiction where anything happens, but how acceptable that is should be proportional to how obvious it is that it is fiction. And it doesn't have to be ham-fisted, right? Like, take... let's do a super hero narrative, since they're inherently very simple. Do Aquaman. During one of the fights, he gets knocked to the ground during a bunch of explosions, and a giant bell gets knocked loose and falls towards a woman. Seeing this, he immediately leaps to save her life. It's just a few seconds, but it established very well that character's moral framework. He's not here just to fight people, he's here to save people, it just so happens that saving people usually conveniently involves a lot of cool fighting - but we shouldn't forget that the fighting is a means to an end, not an end in and of itself. "This is how a hero is supposed to behave." Then take something like the Tom Holland Spider-Man movies, the one with the vulture. Spider-Man's spying on some criminals, they see him, a fight kicks off because of him, and one of the mooks ends up getting flung off the ferry and into the water. What is Spider-Man's response? It was obvious to me, the scene was set up almost perfectly to demonstrate his most conspicuous trait (which is not his quipping): His compulsive need to save everyone. He should've... well, he should've let himself get hit by the car, in order to block it from hitting the guy. But failing that, and then realizing his mistake of letting the guy get hit, he should've immediately jumped into the sea after the guy, to save him. Instead, he doesn't even notice, leaves the man to die, and he engages the villains in a stupid pointless fight that splits the ferry in half. So he indirectly ends up killing at least one man, and almost kills everyone else on the ferry. But nobody cares. I don't think I've even seen or heard anyone mention this massive flaw in the movie's characterization of the character before, even though it's such a core part of his personality and character. Again, it's just a few seconds, but this is not,/i> how a hero is supposed to behave. If anything, Spider-Man in the Tom Holland movies acts more like a thrillseeker than a hero, which is especially perverse given how Peter Parker's heroism is - ironically - his biggest character flaw (something the Sam Raimi movies, Spider-Man 2 in particular, got exactly right). How do people not notice it being absent from the narrative? I think the term "morally decrepit" perfectly describes this. Then we can look at something like Man of Steel, ubermensch Zack Snyder at the helm, with "Superman" carelessly murdering what must be thousands of people during his fighting. Yeah, no effort to take that fight outside of the city for the guy. He's not here to save people, he's here to do... something else. Never mind other flaws in Snyder's psychotic "hero", like how he breaks and destroys the world if Lois dies, or how he only performs the role as hero as a lie because (is it Lois who says it?) other people believe in the lie. Snyder's "Superman" doesn't like rescuing people. He is burdened by it, unwillingly. "Super hero" my ass. Another conspicuous example is Captain Marvel, who seems to be doing what she's doing driven mainly by bitterness and her own ego, who abuses civilians and other around her, and who gleefully and unnecessarily murders thousands of her own former comrades during the climax of the film, as if she has no moral code whatsoever. Which I suspect is the case. While Snyder at least seems to at least have some kind of bizarre, if albeit decrepit, moral compass guiding him, the authors of Captain Marvel seem to just be evil people, if this is how their image of a "super hero" behaves. The character's straight out of something written by Garth Ennis, except without the apparent realization that she is evil. Like... it's so easy to argue that stories about super heroes who enjoy rescuing people (and who do it for selfless reasons, not selfish ones) in need are "morally good" stories, while stories about "super heroes" who hate it, or do it for their own pleasure, are decidedly not "morally good", but instead people are arguing that what I here have labeled "morally good" is actually "no politics". Of course, super heroes are just easy examples, because they're so uncomplicated and unnuanced. But you see the same thing everywhere. Even when writing "evil" characters, a writer who themselves isn't evil is capable of writing them while making it clear to the audience that the author still knows what is and isn't evil behaviour. You know that the characters in Ennis' comics aren't supposed to be people to look up to, actually you're mostly supposed to be disgusted and repulsed by them. But then you look at something like Captain Marvel, and you wonder... do these writers know that their character is evil? Does Snyder know that his "Superman" is, well... definitely not Superman? I don't think he does. I don't think he understands Superman at all. Anyway. Snyder aside, I think this is happening because we take our politics or morality so for granted that we don't realize that is what they are, or - indeed - that they need defending. I guess this lost ability for realization is part of what was lost in the loss of our religion. With its explicit moral framework, it's easy to detect when it's under attack. But remove all the explicit parts and suddenly it becomes hard to tell. It's the same thing people do with things like e.g., "western culture". What does "western culture" mean? Almost nobody's able to give you an answer to it at all, even though it's actually incredibly important. So people end up saying inane things like that there actually is no such thing as western culture. And then you don't realize when it's going away. It's like somebody's filling the room we're in with carbon dioxide and we don't realize anything's wrong until... well, we'll never realize it, because we'll be dead. Small mercy, I suppose.

Iron-And-Rust

#quote #reddit #the motte #see link for context #long quote #links in quote

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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 4 years

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13. Exposing the Void Pt. 1

A lot of this chapter is straight up Simon’s thoughts, so it gets jumbled and possibly confusing. Let me know if there’s parts where things are unclear (most likely in those times, we’re inside of Simon’s thoughts). Word Count: 5969. Trigger Warnings: Self harm, child death, child abuse, mental instability, mental abuse, dehumanization, betrayal, delusions, intrusive thoughts...

This chapter was actually the hardest for me to write in this story, thus far. And please keep in mind that in this space, there is no ableism allowed. So, refrain from using terms about psychosis or mental illness as insults towards the characters. The purpose is not to blame Simon’s actions on poor mental health or to excuse his behavior due to his trauma. The purpose is to understand a story in a world where mental illness is not necessarily the cause of why some people do evil things, but is sometimes a factor (not usually, as mentally ill people are generally more likely to hurt themselves than others), but yes, there are occasions where our psychosis can led to dangerous outbursts. Please don’t use the phrase “Go psycho” when referring to any variation of Simon Laurent, even this one. Thank you.

Simon was getting a tattoo. He’d already decided that much. He didn’t know of what, but he was convinced that he would think of something. It seemed healthier than self harm, at least… and a professional would mark him in this scenario.

He had a full course on his schedule, additional hours of extracurricular activities and work, plus interviews and maintaining his website. Plenty to do to keep his mind off of it - the void. His nostrils flared just thinking about it. Sometimes, he found himself checking social media for updates from a backup account. He had been blocked under his personal and professional ones. But, it wasn’t back. The last post was the same post that had been shared to each of them by its team.

“Hello, Apex Members. On behalf of The Internet’s Honey, Miss Grace Monroe, we would like to express the sincerest apologies for the negativity that has been spread and for the things that Miss Monroe stands accused of. She is seeking help at a secure location, and it is our hope that she will return to you soon, in all of her glory, fully restored, healthy and well.”

The comments were thousands of “Fuck Grace Monroe. She’s cancelled.” etc. He had been amused before, but the more comments that were added, the more numb he became to them. He was numb to many things… still somehow… it left its mark on him. He pulled up his sleeve and looked at his tallies… it left several. “Fuck Grace Monroe,” he whispered, shook his head and said in a louder, more confident tone, “Fuck the void.” A little mantra before his early AM classes.

Whenever he got home, though… He went through a range of emotions for a while. Everybody lies to me. Everybody leaves me… Even when nothing had anything to do with this thought process, if he wasn’t focused deeply on something else, there were the thoughts. Sometimes, even when he WAS working on something else. The thing about living alone and being at home was that he had a lot of time to get trapped in his harmful thoughts, and no Grace there to ease things. Not anymore.

It started with his mother. She was only going to be gone “for a little while.”

Simon wasn't confident in his abilities to watch himself AND a younger person. He was a cub scout and even a careful child, but he knew that Hope could be a handful, sometimes even for their parents. “I don’t think I can watch Hope, Mom.”

“Oh, of course you can, Simon!” She cheered. “It’s only for a little, short, while, and you’re my capable little man.”

Hope laughed and said, “He’s not a man. He’s Simon.”

“If Mom says I’m a man, then I am!”

Their mom clarified, “He’s a big boy who gets to be man of the house when Mommy and Daddy aren’t here. Mommy’s Little Man. You’ve got this, Si. Like I said, only a little while.” She tousled his hair and filled him with confidence that he had not had a few minutes prior… then she was gone for what felt like forever.

18 year old Simon knew that she had only been gone for 2 hours, but as a 10 year old watching a 4 year old who didn’t want to be watched by a “fake man,” it seemed like a lengthy stretch of time. With Hope doing things that she knew she shouldn’t, taunting him by telling him that he’s a fake man and that’s why he couldn’t stop her, and whenever she tried to go into the attic, that was the last straw. He had gotten really mad at her. She had been teasing him, calling him a fake man, a little baby, a small, small Simon… He didn’t mean to hurt her, but he was offended by her name calling. He was only going to drag her into her room and make her have a time out.

18 year old him knew that he was angry when he grabbed her by the back of her shirt, as hard as he could, upset with her, but also needing to get her off of the ladder and into her room. 10 year old him yanked her off of the ladder and flung her to the floor beneath them with rage. She let out a screaming laugh whenever she went flying down, but when she hit the floor… she became silent.

Simon shook his head. That wasn’t my fault. I was a child! The void had been right about that. “Who leaves a 10 year old home alone with a 4 year old?” He heard her voice ask, when they were kids. More than that - Who tells a boy that young that he is trusted with the life of a smaller child? That he’s “a man” because you need a little favor? Two. Hours!

He still didn’t know how long he had sat there trying to wake Hope up before their mother came back or where she was at that time, but wherever she was, he hoped she thought about it every single day that she tried to blame him. He hoped it ate away at her and corrupted her from the inside out until her health faded and her heart stopped. He didn’t always feel that way.

When he was 10, he blamed himself. He loved his mother. He wanted her back. He wanted to be her little man again, even though he failed her. He was still so young and confused, and nobody was helping him to understand it all. He couldn’t answer why he didn’t call 911. He was scared. He was crying. He... just didn’t think about it at the time. He hadn’t been prepared for an emergency.It was supposed to just be a little while! I was supposed to be the man of the house. Nothing bad was supposed to happen on my watch...

It continued with his father. So furious with his wife’s decision that he couldn’t stand to share the same breathing space with her most of the time. Unfortunately, that also meant not sharing it with Simon. He told Simon that he didn’t blame him. He lied. Some part of him had to, because otherwise, why would he have left him with the woman who had been so irresponsible that they already lost one child? Because… he died in his father’s eyes that night, too. The man was just too much of a coward to admit it. So, he just… left.

And Grace… He almost started crying, but shook his head and shook her it out of his mind. “Void,” he said and clenched his fists. Still… He missed her it. She It was the only thing that used to be able to get his mind off of his family, his pain, his guilt, his rage…

For so long, she it was the only thing. Now, he was left to just force himself to live through this. He was better off. It was going to stop his full potential. It had already stunted him so much. He spent years building a fortress for it and throwing himself in front of everything that came its way. Never again.

After they began officially dating, she was acting weird and he let it go. This was new for both of them and she was still trying to figure out her sexuality. He thought he was extremely understanding about her characteristics. As a matter of fact, up until the moment that he realized that she was a liar, he found no flaws in her at all. He loved all of her, perfect in every way and in the ways that she wasn’t, he never took notice. He just re-imaged those things as perfect, because they were things that were of Grace. Being a snobby, rich bitch - fine. Being lazy and irresponsible, sure. Being wishy-washy and confusing… he didn’t love that, but he accepted it and always assumed that maybe he was mistaken, or maybe she was the confused one in those moments. He never thought that she was deceiving him. Now, it was all that he could think about.

How many lies she must have told him over the years, how much of his childhood and adolescence was built upon those lies… He had to try to void everything that he had ever known her to be from his life, and from his mind.

“Do you not love me?”

“I do!”

Had he not been so blinded by his love, he would have known that she didn’t mean it. He would have heard it in her tone. He would have seen it in her eyes. “The void was just that good,” he told himself. “It tricked everyone. You watched it work for so long, you thought that you were exempt. It cares about nothing but itself.”

She seemed like she was withdrawing from him. He didn’t want to see it at the time, but he knew what that looked like. He couldn’t stop his mother from doing it. He couldn’t stop his father from doing it. He couldn’t even keep the pet cat around! How does one even run off an animal?

The point was… he saw Grace leaving. He saw her packing up. He saw her setting out. He did everything he could possibly think of to prevent it, even before she realized that she was leaving. But, when somebody wants to get away from you, they’ll do whatever you let them do to get away. She should have thanked him. He not only let her go, but he removed her completely. That’s what she wanted, anyway. She made that decision herself. “The void would have taken everything from you. Everything you worked for. Everything you’ve built. Everything you set in place to manage without the liars, the leavers, the lost ones…”

She first began slipping away from him before they became official. She started having problems with things that she didn’t have problems with previously… Honestly, she started the moment that she chose to leave him behind to tour for the summer when they were 15. The previous 5 years, she had plenty of times she could have went on the road. She either blew off her auditions or she didn’t push herself as hard. She had said that she could show off her skills on the Internet and have just as big of a following, if not a bigger one than if she built a resume of dance troupes and traveling ballet. She even forfeited the chance to be in a Broadway production, because she was worried that she’d never get to see him again. Then, when they were 15… It became more important to her than him.

He tried not to take it personally, because she had sacrificed plenty of opportunities for him before. But, it was a bad time for him, and a busy time and… he needed her. He always needed her back then. He had never been prepared to not have her. Sure, he could have went with her, like she wanted, but if HE put off his things, he didn’t have rich parents to fall back on. He didn’t have parents to fall back on, period. She… was in more of a position to give up her goals… but she had decided not to. That was fair. He told himself many times every day that was fair and she deserved to choose herself sometime. She came back changed… or maybe he changed without her there. That much doesn’t matter, right now. What matters is that he TRIED to fix them. She leaned more into these changes. These changes that could tear them apart. Changes that would leave him lonely again, for the first time in years.

Grace was working on her music career junior year. After the tour, she had connections that she didn’t want to go cold. She would throw herself into those and into creation while Simon was working on a future that he still hoped was for both of them. He was working his ass off for them, but in hindsight, she was working hers off for herself. After she was Simon’s girlfriend, at school, things felt different for her. Everybody treated her exactly the same way that they always had, but everything was just different.

Simon was either more social than she knew him to be, or had gotten that way overnight. Then again… He was in StuCo and held a position… so he had the social skills to at least win people over. She supposed that she hadn’t noticed because he was the one who she always had to talk out of a fight. He was more than that, of course, but… she guessed that she hadn’t realized how many friends he must’ve had, because he was doing a lot and having to leave her behind, most of the time.

Most times, he gave her a quick rundown of what type of stuff he had to do for the day, kissed her on the cheek, promised to see her later and rushed off. She chalked it up to the busy schedule that he had been speaking about for this year, at least a year in advance, and didn’t think much of it. At least, whenever they had space, she didn’t have to wonder what to do next. She didn’t have to decide if she should be sitting in his lap like his friend’s girlfriend, or in between his legs like that girl across the way, or straddling him like Shana sometimes did whoever she was dating, or… sit there, with her book, pretending not to see any of it and smiling at Simon whenever they made eye contact.

Simon was always studying her, surveying, making inventory of her expressions and potential emotions. She could feel him investigating and she didn’t know what to do with that. He didn’t know what to do with his findings… Why was she so uncomfortable when he looked at her? Why did she shy away from his gaze? What was wrong with her that she didn’t want his attention? She always wanted attention… it was basically her identity! Not only did she start to seemingly have problems with his attention, but also the rest of the world’s attention.

Being trapped in her room most of the time meant more work on her music. Anytime she posted something new, someone always showed up to remind others of how she "accosted an innocent woman on the train and threatened to ruin her life if she sought justice" and that she "is actually a terrible person." Sure, her fans defended her, but her focus was stuck on the negative feedback. Simon told her, “Don’t worry about those nulls. You’re Apex royalty. They’re scrubs.” He wasn’t remotely concerned about it.

Simon had asked himself if he had defended her to them, would things have been different between them… but the previous times he had defended her, she got mad at him! It took him days to get her back to normal, and even then, she seemed tepid. She was letting a bunch of strangers on the Internet doubt herself.

“She let a bunch of nulls weigh in on her confidence, then she got made at ME for agreeing with her parents that it was weak of her. It was! The Apex doesn’t care about the opinions of nulls!” He realized that he was speaking of the void like it was a person again. Personifying it. Humanizing it. That was sometimes difficult not to do. He would tap into his disappointment, hurt, and anger and he knew it was because of this rot that had spread in his life for years.

But, every now and then a glimmer of her smile, her smell, her softness would hit him in the heart and he would forget about it temporarily. For a few moments, she would be the love of his life again… “It doesn’t care about you. It never did. The void is a parasite. It would have poisoned everything, if you hadn’t cut the head off and incapacitated it.”

He glanced over at a mannequin head designed to look like it. It had given him the idea, inadvertently whenever it jokingly accused him of being a life size figurine of himself. Immediately, he thought - I’ve gotta make her one of those! It was a passion project, and of course, he didn’t have a lot of time to work on it, but the head was complete by the time it showed itself as the hollow it was.

Grace felt like she hadn’t smiled for real in a while. Nobody really noticed. The Apex didn’t know her that well. Simon didn’t have time for her. Her parents probably never cared. She went into town with her flock of girls, these days. She felt like Simon was sending them to be around her and she didn’t know if that was sweet or creepy. But, she ditched them at the mall to go to see him. He was at work that night, at the learning center. He had a job helping to tutor struggling kids - one that his credits as a student tutor at the Academy, his grades, his position as one of the students enrolled in the early college program, and a recommendation from Mr. Monroe got him hired at, despite the fact that most of the staff here were actual educators.

They didn’t even know about the fact that Simon had started a business of doing people's homework, projects, sometimes their tests from the time he was 11 until he was 15. He was definitely qualified for tutoring, but it was her father’s recommendation that really gave him the edge over actual teachers. He was satisfied enough there. He still did a project or two for the rich kids when he could squeeze something in, for extra cash. He was saving up to move out of his dad’s house. Now that his mother was at her mother’s, his dad was considering leaving the military and coming home. Simon didn’t want to be around for that, but there never seemed to be enough money for anything. That was his “adult” experience… Working all of the time, going to school, barely hanging on to his sanity, and yet being so broke that had his father not still been paying the bills, he knew he might be homeless and starving… so it was presumable that's how he might live once Mr. Laurent got back.

He couldn't ask the Monroes for more help. They had practically been taking care of him for the past two years. Mr. Monroe, at least, had been helpful in ways that Simon couldn’t describe. Sure, he believed he would have figured things out for himself , but thanks to the Monroes, he hadn't had to. He intended to pay them back eventually, but for now, he worked hard and loved Grace with everything else he had.

"Hey." He heard her say, walking in with a bag and a cup holder. His smile was wide and his eyes lit up. That made her reflexively smile back. How many of those smiles were fake, he’d have to wonder for as long as he couldn’t shake her out of his mind. “Ditched the girls to bring you dinner. Didn’t know if you’d have a chance to get to some on your own.”

He checked the time on his phone, “Actually, you’re right on time. I was about to go into the computer room and work on homework before I head out.”

“Yeah! Great timing is a thing that I definitely usually don’t have.”

They went into the breakroom to eat and Simon was on his phone, furrowing his eyebrows and blocking people in Grace’s comments. She glanced over and saw, then sank in her seat, not wanting to think about her latest post. “This sounds really good, Grace,” he told her. And he meant it. The vocal coach that she had began to see so that she could confidently transition into singing was paying off. It wasn’t that she sounded bad before, but her voice was pretty bland and she didn’t seem to be able to find her range on her own.

“I wish the audience thought that,” she said, with a sigh. The Internet was making her depressed and isolated. Every thing that she shared came with thousands of critics. As someone used to only either being complimented or ignored, criticism hurt a little more than she would have expected. Perhaps because she was too popular and therefore attracted more feedback than a person probably should have to be faced with at 16.

Regardless of that, Simon shrugged and said, “Anybody who doesn’t like it doesn’t have to listen to it. They’re there, so they obviously wanted to hear the song. Besides, I see way more support than hate.”

“Maybe so, but there’s a LOT of hate, and it’s very aggressive and hurtful. Like… I don’t understand why me trying out a new song and someone not liking it can’t just be scrolled by. Why did this girl have to tell me: Ugh. Everybody tries to be a singer. You’re a lip gloss model, Honey. Keep doing that. Beautiful gowns.”

“Because, she’s a bitch,” Simon said and took a bite of his sandwich. Grace let out an irritated sigh that caused him to look up from his phone. “What?”

“You just… don’t get it.”

“What don’t I get? The song sounds good. You have excellent equipment. You wrote pretty clever lyrics, did your own music, sang and was proud enough of your work to share it with the world. Now that a few birds have come squawking, you no longer see the greatness in what you shared? I know you wouldn't have posted it if you didn’t think it was perfect. So, I get it more than you do. You’re distracted by someone with a crooked wig on in her profile picture?”

Grace looked at the profile picture and saw that the woman’s wig definitely had been sadly placed onto her head. She laughed about it and laughed at herself a little too… but this was always Simon’s reaction to her venting about the people that made her feel bad. He’d basically make her feel a little bit worse by not acknowledging that her feelings were valid and by pointing out how insignificant her critics were. The simple fact that he had a point, that they were nulls, and she was letting them upset her only made her feel worse, which she couldn’t tell him because he didn’t seem to take her feeling bad that seriously anyway.

She knew it was because she had always prided herself on being strong and not caring what people thought about her… but she was handled a lot differently outside of her echo chamber. The Internet was global and her following was high, but some of the people who followed her seemed to do it just to see what to complain about, just to make a dent in her day. They succeeded, too. But, the only person she could admit it to just told her to suck it up.

“I’m thinking about going to a performing arts college,” she said. Simon dropped his phone and stared at her. She smiled awkwardly and said, “I mean… You’re preparing pretty hardcore for college and I’ve dived into this music thing. Maybe, I ought to be more serious about it and actually get the official credentials..”

“Where are you thinking of going?”

“I’m thinking of trying to go to Julliard.” He relaxed a little bit at that. Juilliard was in New York. That would be farther from him than he would like, but if he was at MIT, that would be about an hour away and if he was at Princeton… well… That would be 3 hours, or more… but… He had enough time to put these things into his planning and decision making. “Or… I might go uh, overseas.” Now, his frown was embedded in all of his features. “If I can’t get into the best one in the world, I’m going to shoot for the next best… that’s in Austria…” She bit her lip, waiting for his demeanor to change, hoping that he just had to think about it for a moment. His demeanor did change, but he seemed further away from what she wanted of him at the moment. “What brought this on?” He asked.

“Just… want to get more serious about my craft. Sure, I can spend hours and hours a day working on choreography and songs, training with some of the best professionals in the entire world, but people are still coming onto my dance video posts and saying things like, “I didn’t know that Grace Monroe could dance! I love her more now!” Didn’t know that I could dance? That’s like… the ONE THING that I can do with complete confidence! I’m trying to get my music career started when my first talent isn’t even recognized…”

“It IS recognized! It’s recognized ALL of the time. You’re just so focused on the dregs that don’t recognize, that you’re willing to go 4000 miles away from me, for years, to impress strangers on the Internet who probably STILL won’t fuck with you, because most of the people inciting you are people who just don’t like you, Grace!” He let out a chuckle of disbelief, but she hated it.

“Don’t laugh,” she said, very seriously.

“I’m not laughing,” he said, shook his head, then slumped back in his seat, resting his face in his palm as he tried to collect himself.

"How could you have possibly taken everything that I just told you about how I'm feeling and what I intend to try to do about that and just… make it about you?"

He uncovered his face to look at hers. She looked like she was going to cry. He hated when she cried. It was too far away from her normal… at least it used to be. She was crying more and more lately. Sometimes from the littlest things.

"If you can't see how much a decision like that will affect both of us, then I'm not sure if I currently am in the mood to explain it to you."

"Whenever I shared my thoughts about how much people were hurting my feelings, you didn't care about how that could affect the both of us. You just expected me to deal with it on my own. This is my idea for how I deal with that."

He leaned his elbows on the small table, steepled his fingers and rested his head against his hands. She wants to leave you. She’s using the excuse that people are hurting her feelings so that she can leave you and never come back. She never wanted you. She made that clear and you refused to see it. You thought that it was your brain being mean to you. She lied to you. She never loved you and she never wanted you. Now, she’s pretending that worthless people make her feel bad… She would rather look WEAK to you than to stay with you…

“Simon?” She said. He scoffed. Fake concern. Don’t let her trick you with her soft voice. She’s venomous. She let you love her because she was bored, and now, she’s trying to abandon you like everyone else. “Simon,” she said, more stern. Drown her out. Drown her out. Drown her out. Drown her… “Simon!” She had gotten up and turned his face to look at her with her palm. She made him look into her eyes and he was powerless again. “Where’d you go?” She asked, smiling nervously.

“Did I do something wrong? Why do you want to leave me?” He asked, in a small voice. Maybe his brain was being mean right now. Maybe… it was all a misunderstanding? PLEASE, JUST TELL ME YOU LOVE ME AND THAT I’M OVERREACTING! I. WILL. BELIEVE. YOU.

“No. I did. I thought that I was ready to introduce myself to the world and now that the world knows me, there’s people out there who can’t stand me and I just… I don’t know how to do with that. In real life, they at least pretend to like me, you know?”

She rubbed her hands together anxiously. Lies. She can’t possibly care about the way these strangers feel. She’s Grace Monroe. She knows that she’s invincible. Caring about the movements of ants is futile… “Okay… What do you need me to do to fix it?” He asked, trying to ignore his brain’s warnings.

“Just, support me? I just want to take a step back from all the Internet music, maybe keep creating and try to get into a studio with something I’m proud of, instead of posting onto my websites, and… I really want to try to go to school, just to be more confident that I really do belong in the industry and that I’m not just Internet famous because I was a pretty face with the best organic lip gloss.”

“Support you… leaving me,” he said.

She couldn’t pick up any emotion. It was like something had settled in his mind. Something that he didn’t let her know. “It would be temporary, Simon. Just like whenever you thought you would have to go to the military after graduation.”

“I recall very minimal support from you in regards to that.”

“Yeah, well… I stick by what I said. Our military is a global terrorist, oppressing and destroying civilization in mostly Brown nations. Juilliard is hardly like that, and I most likely will get in! I don’t think I'll HAVE to go to Austria. I wanted to be clear that it’s an option. I just meant the time that we’ll be apart. Plus, I’d send for you if you ever need to see me.” She knelt beside him, cupped his face and kissed him on the lips. He froze in place. She NEVER kisses you on the lips. She always moves her face to make you kiss her on the cheek, or the nose, or… something. She’s placed her hand between your mouths, before! You can’t ignore this any further. It’ll break your heart. You’ve lost her. There’s a void where your Grace once was… Tears fell down Simon’s cheeks as he stared at Grace’s confused face.

She wiped them away with her thumbs and as his tears were being cleared away, so was her face. He just saw a blurry form in front of him, a dark shadow, with an aura of smoke. He looked terrified. She turned to look behind her, alarmed by his reaction, thinking something was hovering over her. She definitely felt a switch of things in the atmosphere. She didn’t see anything though. Simon did.

A void. It stood in front of him, speaking with Grace’s voice and trying to pass itself off as the girl he’d loved for as long as he knew her. That girl was obviously gone. No longer fit for him. No longer fit for the Apex. “Okay.” He said, suddenly fine, as far as she could tell. “I’ll support you.” She offered him a small, confused smile, but he didn’t return it. He didn’t even look at her again. He collected their trash, threw it out and took her hand, “I’ll get you home.

Simon was silent the entire way to the Monroe’s estate. He didn’t get out to get her door, or walk her to the mansion, or talk with her father, so she knew that even though he said he was okay with her decision, that he wasn’t. It was best to just give him his space to work it out, she thought. She thought wrong... Simon tensed up whenever she kissed him on the cheek goodnight. As soon as she got out of the car, he peeled away, vigorously wiping the Apex red lip print from his face. She didn’t deserve to grant anybody that mark anymore.

He drove with trembling hands and lips, talking to himself, arguing with himself about Grace. Grace that once hunted down his bullies with him because she thought he was the most important person in the world. Grace who had threatened anyone who so much as said something rude to him in passing. Grace... who used to want to be near him, and have his back. The Grace that couldn’t stand the thought of being anywhere without him at her side... She was as dead to him as Hope was.

Speaking of... This had began right around the time that she brought him to the cemetery. Was it related? Had Hope somehow reached over and taken her vengeance on him by stealing away his Grace and replacing her with this dark spirit? This ghost? This VOID??? He pulled into the garage of his house, crying again. He left his backpack in the car. He wasn’t going to be doing anymore work that night. He passed the shrine that his father had in the workspace every time he pulled in, but usually, he avoided looking at it. Tonight, he paused and stared at her face. He... had forgotten it. He looked at the photos, wondering if she always looked that way? Not the angel that he remembered dying, but something sinister, smiling joyously at him as he shriveled in pain. “Did you do this?” He asked her. He could hear her laughs in his mind from that night. Her taunting him, making him feel like he wasn’t enough. “I didn’t mean it, Hope! It was an accident!” he yelled at the photos.

“Fake man! Fake man! Wook at the widdle baby man! Can’t catch me! You’re not a man! Mommy lied! Mommy lied!”

“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to. I didn’t... Please, just... stop.” He whispered, crying more than he had in a long time. Her photos began to move, to cackle, to point at him and call him a baby man... He roared and punched the display, breaking the glass of the frame, which fell on it’s face, bounced off of the desk and crashed to the floor. Now, it was covered in blood. Only a bit of it was from his fist... the rest seemed to be seeping from the cracks in the frame. Like... he had killed Hope, all over again. He picked up a shard of the glass and clenched it in his fist. This was too much. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. This was his mind messing with him, He needed to center himself.

He raised his sleeve and looked at all of the tally marks that he had made for his Grace and he began to add on to them. “1 You are stronger than anybody you know. 2 You are smarter than anybody you know. 3 You can survive losing Grace. 4 Only you can get rid of the void that swallowed her whole. 5 You owe the Apex to get rid of the void. 6 You can do anything. 7 There’s nobody who could stop you. 8 You’re on your own now, but that’s for the best. 9 No one will hold you back. 10 No one can hurt you again, because everyone you loved is gone...” He took a deep breath, looked at the broken frame and threw his piece of glass on top of it. He didn’t even care about cleaning it up. The girl in the photo couldn’t hurt him anymore. And neither could the one in his memories... The one that he used to call Grace, “The void,” he said, going into the house.

#If They Didn't Get on the Train #AU Infinity Train #Infinity Train #Nesha Fanfiction #Infinity Train Fanfiction #fics

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joyofcrime-elinorhigh · 4 years

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Hello everybody, my name is JoyofCrimeArt, and legacy can be an fascinating thing in regard to animation. Since cartoons are made with the intent of being seen years or even decades after they're created, it can be interesting to see how the general consensus people have about a series can change over time. One day you can be on top of the world, and your series is loved by critics and audiences alike. But then, something happens. Sometimes it's a specific episode. Other times a season. Maybe it's a controversy within the fandom. But whatever it is, something happens that causes peoples opinions to turn. And suddenly your show has gone from being universally praised to becoming much more divisive. And when something like that happens, it can be hard to recover. It happened to Steven Universe. It happened to Rick and Morty. And it happened to Star vs. the Forces of Evil.

Created by Daron Nefcy, Star vs. The Forces of Evil premiered on the Disney Channel and Disney XD in 2015, and quickly became one of the hot cartoons that everybody was talking about. It makes sense, as it came outright around the time where more continuity based fantasy series were really starting to take off, so it's natural that it became a hit. While the series was generally well regarded upon its debut, as time went on the series became much more of a "love it or hate it" type of show. And while that's not too uncommon for any show that amounts a large flowing, what makes Star vs. so interesting is that it seems like nobody can seemingly agree when the show got bad, if it did at all. Some people say the quality dipped after the first season. Others say the third. Some say the fourth. Others say that the show was good until the finale. And some say that the show was solid throughout. This divide among fans is why I feel confident calling Star vs. The Forces of Evil one of the most divisive shows of the 2010's, even if the debate around it isn't nearly volatile as other series. But now that the series has ran its course I have to ask, does it hold up? Did the show really go down hill, or is the hate undeserved? That's what I'm here to find out.

I feel like I'm in an interesting place to talk about this series because, while I tend to try to keep up with all the big name animated show coming out, I actually didn't watch most of Star as it was running. I watched the first season until my family cut cable right before the finale of season one (You know, around the time people started to care about the show.) And only caught up with the show in the last year or so while doing research for my "Top 30 Cartoons of the Decade" list. So I went into the series mostly blind with the exception of a few spoilers. I just felt like this was important to point out as I feel it may have an effect on my view of the show.

Also, while I usually try to go spoiler free when I do a general overview of a series, for this review I may have to go into some spoiler territory. Since this series features an ever changing status quo, as well as a lot of major characters who aren't introduced until late in the series' run, doing this review completely spoiler free would be difficult. So I'm going to be doing this review under the assumption that anybody reading this has already seen the show, and are just curious to hear my take on it, or don't care about being spoiled. So if you wanna go in blind I suggest you sign out now.

But to everyone else, let's dive in and talk about Star vs. the Forces of Evil.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hJ5ecrpp8k

Star vs. The Forces of Evil stars (He, get it. I'm funny.) Star Butterfly. A princess from the dimension of Mewni who, upon her fourteenth birthday is given a wand of unbelievable magical power. However, after causing nothing but trouble with her new found powers in her world her parents decide to ship her off to Earth, where she can be somebody else's problem. There she befriends a human boy named Marco Diaz and the series mainly follow these two as they go on all sorts of magical adventures as they battle all sorts of evil monsters and ne'er-do-well who want to take the wand and use its power for themselves. Or at least that's how the series goes at first. As the series goes on it begins to focus more on the world building, as Star and Marco discover that the kingdom of Mewni isn't as great as they first believed, and are forced to battle political corruption, conspiracy within the royal family, and the generation spanning systemic racism against monster kind.

The best place to start when talking about the show are the characters. Lets start with the main leads.

We got Star, your typical fun-loving, ditzy, hyperactive action girl. Which seems to be a common trend in Disney Channel cartoons now that I think about it. But she does enough to stand on her own. She's a fun character, and an overall good lead for the series. I admit that her bratty nature and general stupidity could turn some people off, and there are times where it can get a little annoying, but I never minded it all that much. I think that's kinda suppose to be the point of her character. She's a royal, and spent her whole life with a silver spoon in her mouth. So it makes sense she would be a bit selfish and be unaware of the world around her. And she does improve over the course of the series, as she begins to take her job as a princess more seriously and spends much of the series actively fighting against monster prejudice. Though I'd be lying if some of these less desirable elements of her character don't continue to pop up every now and again, even later in the series and especially in the last couple of episodes. Also she's kinda a sociopath. Like especially early on in the show there are like...a lot of casualties to Star's antics. I'm kinda surprised Disney let them get away with that.

Also, can I just say that I am sick and tired of people asking "When is Disney going to include their first LGBTQ+ princess, completely ignoring the fact that Star is bisexual as fu*k. Like, come on now!

Marco is also a good lead. He's a neurotic, responsible, karate student who often acts as the straight man to Star's antics. However, I like the fact that he's not a total stick in the mud. Sure he's more cautious than Star is but he's still capable of getting in on the adventures as well. He comes across as a realistic teen with his own set of flaws. Namely his insecure nature and general social awkwardness. I also like that due to his expertise with karate he's able to hold his own in a fight even without magic. He always feels like Star's equal and never like a sidekick. He and Star have a great dynamic in general, and the two play off each other well. They contrast with each other and It feels like the two really cover each other's flaws. And it's kinda refreshing seeing two characters who are so different manage to genuinely get along with each other.

But of course, we also have the forces of evil that the shows title so clearly mentioned. Each season focuses on a different villain, and something that I really like is how all four major villains are introduced relatively early on. So the show doesn't suffer from that "Dragon Ball Z" type thing where it's like "Haha! I know you just defeated the villain, but now's there's an even BIGGER villain who we just haven't happened to mention until now!" They've always around in the world, and many of them even start out as joke villains only to become more serious later down the line. And they manage to do that in a way that feels very believable.

The best example of this is the shows first villain, Ludo. Who upon introduction is portrayed as a completely comedic villain who Star could easily take in a fight. But things change when a new more serious villain, Toffee, usurps him as the season one antagonist. Stealing his castle and army in the process. Come season two and Ludo is left alone, having lost everything, and is forced to toughen up in order to get back what he once had. He builds a new army, stronger than his first. He finds a new castle to form his base in, and becomes a genuine threat to our cast. Scrappy underdogs villains who lost everything might be one of my favorite tropes in fiction. Other examples of this trope used effectively would be Peridot in Steven Universe and Jamack in Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeast. However, while those shows use this trope as an opportunity to have these villains go through a redemption arc, Star goes the other way and uses it as an opportunity to make a character become more of a threat. That said, he never loses the comedic charm that made his fun to watch in the first place. Part of me honestly kinda wish that Ludo stayed the main villain of season two, instead of being usurped Toffee yet again. That said, the episode "Princess Quasar Caterpillar and the Magic Bell" does a good job giving his arc a satisfying conclusion.

Speaking of antagonist, let's talk about Tom Lucitor. Star's demon ex-boyfriend. While not a season spanning villain like Ludo or Toffee, he has several appearances early on as a recurring antagonist only to go down the more traditional "redemption arc" route later on. And I just want to say upfront, Tom is one of my favorite characters. Not in the show, but in fiction in general. It would of been so easy to make Tom your generic "toxic boyfriend" arch-type but even early on it's made clear that even though he's an antagonist, he isn't pure evil. His love for Star is genuine, but the problem is that he hasn't earned it. He tries to improve himself and become a better person but his own anger issues and jealousy keeps getting in the way. Specifically jealousy of Marco because he seems him as a romantic threat. But as time goes on, he does become better. He learns that he and Marco have a lot in common and eventually accepts that he can't make Star love him, and lets her have her space. And that, ironically, causes Star to becoming willing to open up to him again. They become friends and eventually get back together. But what I like is that while he has gone through efforts to improve and work through his problems, they still persist throughout the series. He's still very insecure and is looking for constant approval from Star. He still is jealous of how close Star and Marco are even though he has become friends with both of them. And it's shown several time that Tom tends to put his own problems above the problems of others. It shows that even though he wants to change and is willing to change, that doesn't mean that change come easy. It takes time and can be a long process. These are realistic character flaws that make Tom such a more complex and relatable character in my eyes. I relate a lot to Tom with his desire and constant struggle to improve as a person, and I feel like it's a struggle that's easy for a lot of people to relate to. Also...he's just such an edgy dork. He's...he is good boi.

Another fantastic character is Eclipsa. Introduced about halfway into the series, Eclipsa was a former Queen of Mewni who was imprisoned in crystal due to dabbling in dark magic and for running away from her arranged marriage and marring the King of the Monster, Globgor. The show builds up mentions of Eclipsa early on, with characters talking about how evil and dangerous she was. Eventually she becomes free from her prison (cause lets be real, whenever there's a villain sealed away somewhere you KNOW they're going to get out.) But surprisingly, when we see her she actually doesn't seem that evil. She's polite, kind, and is even willing to go through the proper legal channels to prove that she isn't as bad as people say she is. She is an excellent example of a morally ambiguous character cause for the first several episodes we the audience don't really know if she is actually a good person who's just been judged too harshly by society or if she is actually evil and this is all an act. As even as the show goes on and it becomes clear that Eclipsa is a good person at heart they still manage to keep the audience guessing. Much like Star, Eclipsa can be kinda selfish and impulsive, making her a bit of a loose cannon. Despite the shows title "Star vs. The Forces of Evil" Eclipsa goes to emulate one of the shows major themes. That life isn't that black and white.

The show deals a lot with shades of gray when it comes to its characters, as all characters have there own motives and backstories and relations with each other that can make them either allies or enemies depending on the circumstances. An example of this is the Magical High Commission, a group that monitors magic across all the dimensions. throughout the series it is shown that they stand on the side of Mewni. So in season two when Mewni is being conquered by Ludo and Toffee they're good guys. But just like most most people in Mewni they hate monsters and believe that Eclipsa is evil. Making them antagonist in seasons three and four. Their motives stay the same, but their role in the series changes.

However despite my praise not all the characters are great. In fact the show can be kinda hit or miss with their cast. The characters that are great are really great, but then you get characters like...

(Art by JelloApocolypse)

You know what, I have to be honest. I kinda like Pony Head. I know a lot of people say she's annoying and selfish and contributes next to nothing to the plot...and they're right. But I also just kinda like her. I think what makes her more bearable to me is that she's kinda disliked in-universe. Even Star, who is Pony Head's best friend, often times get sick of her crap. Real talk though, can we all agree that Pony Head is basically just a discount Lumpy Space Princess from Adventure Time? Like, they're nearly the exact same character.

A character who I don't like as much though is Glossaryck, the magical spirit guide that lives in Star's spell book. I never really got his deal. Sometimes it seems like he likes Star and genuinely wants to help her become a better magic user, while other times it doesn't seem like he really cares. He dies in the beginning of season three only to come back a few episodes later acting like a wild animal and yelling "Globgor" over and over again without any explanation as to how or why. Than at the end of season three it's revealed that it was all an act and he was fine the whole time. Like...why? We later learn that is a highly recognized historical figure in Mewni. Why is he yelling his name? And why does nobody question why he's doing this? I can buy that Star and Marco might not know who Globgor is but most everybody else seems to. I keep expecting that moment for his motivations to click. Where it's revealed how everything he's done was all an elaborate ploy to help Star or something, but it never really happens. Though my opinion of him does slightly increase in season four, but that's just because Keith David took over the role of voice actor. And adding Keith David can make anything better.

Some characters can even change in quality between seasons. Janna is this edgy punk girl who joins the main cast in season two as a new friend to Star and Marco. I liked her well enough in season two even if some of her more abrasive elements could be somewhat obnoxious. She's more or less absent for most of season three. Then come season four she returns and I found her more annoying. I don't know if her character got worse or if it was just the fact that her character didn't work as well in later episodes after the show had become more dramatic. But near the end of the season, they give her some long overdue character growth. Not a lot, but some. And I found myself liking her more.

There are other characters in the series as well, and they tend to vary. Star's mom, Moon is a BAMF and I like Buff Frog a lot. Jacki and Kelly are fine characters, though I admit there's not that much to them outside of being love interests for Marco, though they still have there own personalities. King River's kinda annoying but I've seen worse examples of the "dumb dad" trope and Alan Tudyk gives a great performance.

And since I don't have time to go over my thoughts on EVER character in this series, I'll do what ever online review does when they don't have time for nuance. Create a tier list!

If It's not apparent by now, the characters in this show run the gambit. With the best ones being some of my favorite characters of all time, and the worse one's just being generally annoying. However, if there's one thing that this show excels at is not painting things as black and white. No character is evil without a reason and all the heroic characters have un-heroic flaws to their characters with unique motivations that make sense for their characters. (For the most part anyway.)

The shows animation is also really good. Featuring thick outlines and a lot of nice coloring on the characters. (Even if some of the background colors can be a bit drab at times.) Most of the first season is done in flash, but it's good flash, which does well to accentuate the character expressions and the fluid action scenes. Part way through season one though the show's animation changes to more traditional animation. I think there is a bit of a divide on which style people consider to be better, but I personally prefer the look of the later seasons. The bouncy look of the early season one episodes look good, but I don't know how well that would of worked in the more dramatic and somber moments that happen later on.

I also appreciate the world building. The first two seasons are set mostly on Earth in the town of Echo Creek, but the last two seasons changes things up and focus much more on Mewni, allowing us to explore both settings. I know some people don't like the change as it resulted in several of the characters introduced earlier being written out of the show but I never really minded that. I think Mewni and the cast of characters who inhabit it are on the whole more interesting than the people of Echo Creek. (I mean does anybody really miss Sensei Brantley?) Plus the change in setting allows us to get a bit of a role reversal with Marco being the fish out of water, and Star having to show him how her world operates. And even if you do prefer the Earth setting we still cut back to it on occasion. And when you add it all up the total series runtime between the two setting is fairly evenly.

I like how characters can kinda come and go in this series, as it shows that the world doesn't revolve around Star and Marco. And it allows the writers to see which characters people gravitate to and focus on them while keeping less interesting characters out of the way. It also allows for character arcs to actually have conclusions, without the need for them to be drawn out just for the sake of keeping characters around longer.

Let's talk about themes for a moment. Specifically the main theme of prejudice and systemic racism in the show. It's handled...okay. It's kinda standard stuff and it doesn't go super complex on the issue, but for what it is it works though. That being said the show can be a bit confusing in terms of what counts as "monsters" and what are just regular races in this world. Which can make the metaphor a little muddled. I get that the idea is that there is no difference, and that monsters are only deemed as bad as an excuse for mewmans to justify their mistreatment of them, but it can still be confusing as to who's oppressed and who isn't and to what extent. I feel it would be even more confusing for a younger children watching who might not understand all the nuances of this stuff. However, the way the show tackles this isn't bad either. And the fact that the show tackles this element at all is admirable.

But who cares about systemic racism! That's not the real reason people are watching this show! We all know that everybody is really here for the shipping!

Yeah, as the series went on the shipping seems to become a much more major element within the series. So much so that to many the increased focus on the shipping is often cited as one of the main elements that caused the show to go down hill. However I never really minded it. I mean Star vs. has always been a bit of a love letter to the shojo/magical girl genre and romance is a very important element to those types of shows. So it makes sense that it would be used here. And I think it's used pretty well here overall. These are just kids struggling through these types of feelings for the first time, So it makes a lot of the stupid decisions that they make feel a lot more believable. But if this kind of thing isn't your cup of tea, it might end up bothering you. Because they do devote a good amount of time on it.

But you're probably wondering, who do I ship? Am I team Starco or team TomStar? And honestly, while shipping has never been something I've ever gotten too invested in, if I had to pick I would probably have to say team Starco. Which may be surprising as I previously went on and on about how Tom was one of my favorite characters of all time. But this is the way I see it. Tom's whole arc is about learning how to get over his jealousy and controlling nature regarding his relationship with Star. And it's shown that even after he's dating Star, and has everything he thought he wanted, he still couldn't fully get over his hangups. Even though he loves Star and Star loves him, it's clear that the relationship still isn't exactly the most healthy. And it's clear that they are going in different directions in their lives. Tom knows what he wants. To be with Star. But Star doesn't know what she wants. Not all relationships have to end because one person does something wrong or because one of the parties involved is a bad person. Sometimes two people just aren't compatible in that kind of way. And seeing Tom be the one to break up with Star shows just how far he's come as a character. Plus, like I said earlier, Star and Marco have great chemistry. And I do genuinely see them working as a romantic couple, beyond the fact that there the two main leads.

Besides, StarTom is technically incest so....

*record scratch!*

Oh wait, you didn't know about that.? Yeah, according to the official "Star vs. the Forces of Evil Magic Book of Spells" Star's Great Great Great Grandmother Rhina Butterfly was in a relationship with John Roachley, a second cousin to the Lucitor's. Now granted that would mean that Star and Tom aren't THAT related. But still. Incest none the less. Not that it even matters anyway since all of the Mewmans are descended from like five random people!

Seriously, this is some Ishigami Village levels of incest we got going on here.

But despite how heated the flames wars can be, I think we can all agree that Tomco is the best ship anyway. Like come on now.

So yeah, even the shipping elements didn't bother me. To be completely honest, while the show did have some problems here or there, I found myself enjoying the show well into the fourth season. But I knew it was coming. Since I was watching the show months after the series had concluded, I had heard things about the finale. A finale that figuratively "cleaved" the fan base. But in order to talk about the finale we have to go a few episodes back and talk about the episodes leading up to it. Obviously spoilers ahead.

To briefly recap, at this point in the series Eclipsa had become Queen of Mewni along with her husband Globgor after Star relinquished the crown to her. And many of the Mewmans are upset by Eclipsa's new "pro-monster" policies had left to live with the former Queen Moon. Meanwhile Mina Loveberry, a legendary monster fighter from generations far gone, had begun building up an army to invade Eclipsa's castle and take Mewni back from the monsters. A lot of people I hear don't like Mina as a final villain, but honestly I was surprised by how threatening they were able to make her despite how goofy she is. And her backstory about basically being a magically altered super solider driven to the point of insanity really helped to make her sympathetic. (Like I said, in this show everyone is painted with shades of gray. Even genocidal lunatics.) She invades with a Solarian Knight, a giant magic powered mech and it takes all of our heroes working together to barely defeat it. Until it is revealed that it was only one of many. It's an amazing twist that really leaves you wondering "How are or heroes going to get out of this one." Up to this point I was digging this final arc. But that's when I finally got to it.

To me, the moment where Star vs. the Forces of Evil got bad was the moment it was revealed that Moon was working with Mina to reclaim the thrown from Eclipsa.

It just doesn't fit Moons's character to do this. While it is shown throughout the season that Moon does not agree with Eclipsa more extreme policies, It was still shown that while Moon may be against Star's decision to give the crown to Eclipsa, she acknowledges that since Star was queen at the time and was within her right as queen to decide what was best for the kingdom. And in previous episodes she seemed generally happy not having the responsibility that comes with being queen anymore. But now she suddenly wants her kingdom back? If she wanted it back, all she had to do was say so from the start. At the start of the season most Mewmans still hate Eclipsa. It would not be that hard to stage a coup if she really wanted, especially since the magic high commission and all of Mewni would be on her side. Why would she work with Mina, who Moon knows is insane and racist even by Moons standard? Sure Moon and Eclipsa definitely don't see eye to eye on a lot of things but Moon still wouldn't want her dead, and Moon knows that Mina wants to kill her. I know she thought she could control Mina's army but that's still a big risk. It seems uncharacteristically reckless for a character as intelligent as Moon to make these choices.

So then, after it turns out that Moon can't control Mina's army, our heroes are basically screwed and are forced to hide out in a special tavern located at the edge of the universe to wait things out while Mina begins rounding up all the monsters in Mewni. They are all trying to figure out a plan on how to possibly defeat Mina's army when Star suddenly goes on a rant about how magic is bad. And this idea had been brought up a few times in the series, but overall had never really been portrayed as a major aspect. But suddenly the show treats this as if it's all the magics fault, and that everything would be better if it was gone. And that's when Star comes up with the genius plan to use go to the magic dimension to destroy all the magic. Thus making Mina's forces useless. And while I admit that yes, they are very much been pushed to a wall here, this has to be one of the most overkill ideas they could of possibly think of!

Now, I've seen a lot of people online saying that by doing this, Star would be committing mass murder on a multiverse scale, potentially destroying many universes. And I think that is a bit of a reach. From what we see in the series, it seems to me at least that magic is kinda a rare thing in the universe. That's why so many villains are trying to steal the magic wand away from Star. And I see very little implying that there are whole universes that are reliant on magic outside of Mewni. THAT SAID THOUGH, this would result in the deaths of a lot of innocent people. But Star really only seems concerned with the fact that once magic is destroyed, all people who come from parallel universes will return to their home universe, meaning she won't be able to stay with Marco. Which makes Star seem beyond selfish and generally pretty horrible.

Hekapoo, one of the high commission members, despite being made of magic and knowing that she will die from this, is totally on board for this plan because plot. And our heroes travel to the magic dimension to destroy all the magic. Which they do. Defeating Mina's forces and leaving her powerless. She still manages to escape however because nobody decides to actually, you know, try to arrest the person who just committed a political coup and nearly whipped out an entire race. They just let her walk off, because she's powerless now. I mean what's the worse she could possibly do, right?

So yeah, Mina is defeated, but everybody is sent back to their home dimensions. But somehow, through the power of love I guess, the universes of Earth and Mewni begin to merge. Thus allowing Star and Marco to be together. Happy ending, I guess? I don't know. Like Star and Marco being together is treated as a good thing. But we also see humans screaming as there world have now been overrun by monsters. Is this suppose to be a joke? A bittersweet ending? I'm not really sure.

In concept the idea of a universe merge is actually a pretty interesting idea. As it feels like a natural progression of the shows themes of racial tolerance and mutual understanding. Now that we've gotten semi-tolerance between monsters and mewmans we could now have an arc about trying to bridge the cultural gaps between the humans and the mewmans. Plus it would be a good way to appease both the people who enjoyed the earlier seasons focus on Echo Creek, and fans of the later seasons who preferred the stories set on Mewni. It's not a bad idea, but it needed to A.) be set up better and B.) needed more time to be fleshed out. I get that it's designed to be a sequel hook, but it's not like this is something that the series had been building up to to the point where we the audience can put together what happens next. As is, it's just weird.

So yeah, the last couple of episodes of Star vs. where a total mess. It's fitting that the finale to Star happened to come out the same day as the finale of Game of Thrones. While I'm not going to act like there weren't some parts I liked or some good ideas sprinkled throughout, this finale was pretty bad. How do you have a show that preaches acceptance and equality and end it with a genocide?! But hey, genocidal problems call for genocidal solutions am I right?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ufmrn7BCuA

My God, It's Dragon Ball Super all over again.

And the worse part is that the series didn't have to end this way. Cause the show actually had a pretty good episode about half way through the season, "Cornonation" which would of acted as a great series finale! With the series ending with Eclipsa as Queen and ruling with Globgor by her side, with the mewmans finally accepting monster kind. You'd have to change a few things, like rap up Mina's plot and put Star and Marco together, but other than that it could of really worked. Admirably it may end up feeling more like a finale for Mewne as oppose to a finale for Star but it would thematically fit with the message of the series. Or if you really wanna keep this finale more in tack just don't have Star destroy the magic. Just have Star, Moon, and Eclipsa go off and do the one thing the three of them had never tried doing. Working together. And have them defeat Mina the old fashion way. They even allude to this idea in the tavern episode before Star goes on her whole "We gotta destroy the magic" kick.

It is a bit ironic to think that a show that's whole message is about unity could end up being so divisive with it audience. I genuinely believe that had the show ended on a better note, people would look back on the show more fondly. Despite the flaws. To the people who don't like Star vs. The Forces of Evil, I can understand where you are coming from. Even if you ignore the finale there are things to not like. A lot of things aren't very well explained and the show has its fair bit of plot holes. The series can be repetitive with its frequent shipping and "racism is bad" episodes. And some of the characters can be a bit annoying, including our main lead at times.

That being said though, I have to say, I can't bring myself to hate this show.

I don't know what it is, but I just found myself getting really invested into this series. Maybe it was due to me hearing so much bad things about the later seasons that I had low expectations, and while that may be part of it I don't think that's the whole reason. When you watch as many cartoons as I have, and for as long as I have, it becomes harder for things to impress you. Sometimes it can feel like your just checking shows off of a box, which is something that I've been trying to improve upon. But watching this show, it brought me back to the way I felt back in the early 2010's when I first started getting into these types of series. For all of Star's flaws, and trust me there are many flaws, it felt like it was doing something unique. Like it was in it's own little world that wasn't quiet Adventure Time and not quiet Steven Universe. And the series stuck with me after I finished watching it, which is surprisingly kinda rare. It's why I became interested in doing this review in the first place.

Star vs. the Forces of Evil is a flawed show. Very flawed. But I'd rather have a flawed show that's unique than a perfect show that's something I've seen a million times. And while I may not be a fan of how it ended, I don't think that should completely take away from all the good that this show has to offer. This show isn't going to be for everybody, and If you somehow made it this far into the review without seeing the show than I hope I've said enough to help you figure out if this show is right for you. But for me, despite everything, the series still has it's magic.

What did you think of Star vs. the Forces of Evil? I really genuinely want to know on this one. Did it go downhill and if so than when? Leave those thoughts in the comments down bellow. Please fav, follow, and comment if you liked the review. And have a great day.

#Star vs The Forces of Evil

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bigskydreaming · 4 years

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How would you go about a good Spyral Dick Grayson storyline? I like the idea but not the execution (if it was stated he was acting like an idiot I'd like it better). Also in the same vein how would you do DickTiger/how do you think it'd work?

I’m side-eyeing you a little anon, lol, because I’m not sure what you mean by it’d be better if it was stated he was acting like an idiot. Because see, as far as I’m concerned, nothing about Dick’s actions was out of character....so long as you center Bruce’s actions as the real driving force behind Dick ending up stuck undercover at Spyral. Dick’s actions make perfect sense....as the fractured attempts at recuperating from a massive trauma without any semblance of a support system or any time or space to actually dedicate to acknowledging and accepting what he’d just been through before leaping right back into danger.

It remains extremely troubling to me that even WITHOUT taking into account Bruce’s victim blaming him for his own death, emotional manipulation and physical beating...all of that only stacks on top of what should already have been the takeaway, IMO:

And that is that its absolutely ridiculous to think that Dick could have remotely been emotionally and mentally composed enough to make an informed, non-coerced decision about undertaking the Spyral mission AND keeping it from the rest of the family.....mere days after being extensively tortured and then briefly died.

He wasn’t in a sound state of mind to make that decision with full awareness of all the implications and repercussions like he would have at other times. Nobody would have been.

And the rest of his family might not have known about him dying, but they did know about him being tortured for days and then unmasked, since they literally saw that on TV....and they know, post Dick’s return, that Dick had been in place undercover before his funeral was even held...the same week he was thought to have died. It should have been obvious to a family of geniuses that all choices made in a matter of days after being tortured and unmasked and who knows what else might have happened offscreen that they could only know about by ASKING him about his ordeal instead of jumping straight to punching him for the choices he made while in the immediate aftermath of massive trauma....like, point is, even without knowing he died, there was always more than enough info they were privy to that there’s no real excuse for their response to his return being judgment instead of concern for how the hell has he been coping with all of that, out there all on his own without anyone he could fully trust, let alone unburden himself to.

None of them spared a single thought for what any of that had been like for him, because they were too focused on their own hurt, and I’m always going to be pissed about that, lmao.

Anyway, apologies if none of that was anything you intended with your word choice, but to be perfectly honest I need very little excuse to go off on a rant about how even the rest of his family’s response to that storyline was like, fundamentally flawed.

NOW. On to your actual question! Because I do have an answer as I’ve thought about this particular thing a LOT, and my ire at both the Spyral storyline and the amnesia storyline coalesced into conjoined seething frustration because of how EASILY they could have avoided making all of the Batfam seem shitty, EVEN BRUCE, and like, also avoided them driving Dick further away rather than bringing him back closer to the family.

All you gotta do....is smash those two stories together and do them both at the same time.

LOL, a few months ago I actually literally wrote out a whole post outlining it in detail here:

https://bigskydreaming.tumblr.com/post/187334221591/if-dc-had-just-combined-their-spyral-and-amnesia

And I’ve copied and pasted the content of that post below the cut here too, just to keep it all in one place for convenience.

As for Dick/Tiger - that’s a whole other post I don’t have time to get into at the moment, but in a nutshell, I’m hugely a fan of their pairing but in specific ways...I mostly see them as each other’s angsty kinda ‘the one that got away, that they could never shake how they got under their skin, but can’t find a way to actually be with, longterm.’ Because the thing is, so much of their dynamic and interactions with each other were clouded by the layers of deception they both wore at all times, and how many different lies they had to tell in service of their whole reason for being there, and how much of themselves they had to hide.

Like, I tend to picture them as kinda both wistfully thinking if they’d met in another life, in another way, without all the cloak and dagger and lies from the very start...they could absolutely be happy together. But as it is, there’s no getting around that they both feel in any kind of relationship, there’d always be some part of them, even if just deep down, that was always keeping an eye open for a crack in the other’s mask, a sign that once again, they were not what they professed to be.

So I see them as being very much that spy vs spy trope, even after Dick goes back to vigilantism and civilian life and even when he and Tiger are theoretically on the same side.....like, I could see them having very emotionally charged, physical, almost desperate kinda encounters in secret whenever they’re in the same city or whatever....because they’re past denying that there’s definitely something between them, always has been, probably always will be...but without even talking about it, just with mutual understanding and implicit agreement, they always know these encounters are just for the night....and then its back to reality. With them thus becoming a kind of escape and fantasy for each other, all rolled up in one and thus inevitably romanticized even further within their own minds...

But they’re also both very pragmatic people, and used to taking what they can get and making the most of it. Its nice to picture the could-have-beens in a world where they met under more honest circumstances, but they live in this world, and here, this is what they can make of what they have, this is what they can make work. So its not all terrible, because if they both ultimately decide this is one of the better outcomes resulting from where they began, which neither of them can change...then it becomes more possible to appreciate what they have for what it is. Even if its not ideal. Or conventional. Or even forever....because I think they both are prepared for it to end if either one of them meets someone who can give them those kinds of nights and still be able to be there in the morning...

But none of that means that what they do have isn’t real, isn’t significant, isn’t as powerful and worthy in its own way as any more conventional relationship.

After all, neither of them are conventional people. They wouldn’t even have met if they were, making a lot of those might-have-beens a moot point. Probably wouldn’t even be as drawn to each other if they were other than what they are, because so much of their dynamic is tangled up in their respect for each other’s skills and convictions and more along those lines.

To be honest, I imagine both of them value and prize each other’s acting ability, their skills with deception and subterfuge....even as those are the very things at the root of why they’ll never be that conventional, longterm couple.

Because it keeps things even between them, and thus even when lying to each other’s faces, there was still an honesty to their dynamic, a balance. Neither is burdened by excessive guilt for deceiving the other, because they both were doing it and they understand why. Thus even when outright deceiving each other, there’s a weird kind of balance there that wouldn’t exist in relationships they had with others who couldn’t match what the other brought to the masquerade, so to speak.

Idk. I have a lot of thoughts on them obviously, lol, and totally meant that all to be another post but got carried away as usual, but I’ll leave it on that note for now, lmao.

How To Make The Spyral Storyline Work (If You Ask Me, which someone literally did so I can get away with saying this).

Ahem.

So. If DC had just combined their Spyral and amnesia stories into one, instead of like the mess we got, we could’ve actually had a good story.

Like, literally all you gotta do is back during Forever Evil, find some way to separate Bruce and Selina from Dick’s body BEFORE Luthor revives him….so Bruce too is of the belief that Dick’s dead, and Luthor being heralded as the one who saved the day from the Crime Syndicate protects him from Bruce or the Batfam’s reprisals.

Then all you gotta do is…instead of Dick getting amnesia like a year later from being shot in the head by KGBeast….Dick gets amnesia from complications in how long it took Luthor to revive him. And of course Luthor capitalizes the HELL out of this.

And then, you can pretty much do everything the same….without it being ANYONE in the Batfamily’s fault, or anyone taking anyone for granted?

You can still have Dick go undercover in Spyral, be Agent 37….only now its on Luthor’s orders, because Dick woke up with no memories and all he knows about himself or like, anything, is whatever Luthor tells him.

And he knows SOMETHING’S not right about everything, like, something’s off about the person he feels like he is and the person Luthor claims that he is, but Luthor’s savvy enough that he’s not forcing Dick to do anything that might trigger some buried memories or built in moral resistance to an order, he’s invested in keeping Dick as fully cooperative for as long as possible, because he knows Dick will be way more effective if he’s on board with stuff than actively fighting things. So Luthor has Dick sold on the idea that he’s infiltrating Spyral on behalf of the good guys, like Dick thinks he’s fine with doing morally gray stuff but isn’t full on trigger happy so Luthor doesn’t force him to kill people on his behalf and thus Dick’s time in Spyral and his character conflicts with Helena, Tiger, etc, remain largely the same.

And meanwhile, Dick’s in the dark about his real identity and past because not having any clue he’s alive, the Batfamily reluctantly has been doing their best to bury details of the late Dick Grayson, no matter how much they hate it, because they have to worry about the living members of their family and try and distance themselves from Dick post being-unmasked, so nobody connects the dots to all of them.

And then of course, eventually one of them runs into someone who reminds them suspiciously of Dick on a case, like his face is still all swirly because of the Hypnos implants but he says or does something that’s so quintessentially Dick Grayson that they can’t NOT wonder. Because here, Dick doesn’t KNOW to tamp down on his natural quips and banter or mannerisms around the Batfamily, and so they give him away even as he remains faceless, and there’s not really any way Luthor could have seen that coming or prevented it, without like….scripting everything Dick says or does in every possible encounter he has, which of course is impossible.

And so THEN ultimately, you can have one or two Batfam members pursuing possibilities that Dick’s alive on their own, and then eventually comparing notes and realizing Dick really IS alive, what Luthor must have done, and that Dick didn’t come home because Dick literally doesn’t remember where or what home is…..

And then whammo ka-blammo, its Fully United Batfamily To The Rescue as they basically just invade Spyral and blow it to Kingdom Come whilst convincing Dick that he’s their brother/son/friend and belongs with them and Lex Luthor is a lying liar who lies, SEARCH YOUR HEART, FEEL YOUR FEELINGS, YOU KNOW WE SPEAK THE TRUTH and blah blah blah et cetera et cetera et yada yada.

And nobody ever has to read Tom King and Scott Lobdell’s like…..*gestures disgustedly in the general direction of their utter tripe*….That.

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i-do-unimportant-things · 4 years

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*clap clap* Movie review

So yeah, Charlie’s Angels, the 2019 reboot of the TV show. A feminist movie but really just a clichè action movie with a mediocre plotline, relying on it’s ‘woke points’ to be watchable.

First, let’s talk about the movie itself and why it did so badly.

The 2019 Charlie’s angels is an action comedy movie about three female super spies trying to retrieve a weapon of mass destruction from the wrong hands directed by Elizabeth banks, the guardian calls this a ‘weaponised feminist frenzy’. This movie hit the theatres at the start of the year and went on to fail so badly, the financial loss can only be explained by claiming there’s a wage gap. Charlie’s angels is originally a TV show from the mid 70s, but nowadays, no one would consider the show ‘feminist’. The entire plot of the TV show existed around the three main female characters being hot, and near naked. Nevertheless this sleazy show was successful and had a few movies coming out in the years 2000 and 2003. And on November 15 2019, the latest Charlie’s angels came out from Sony studios. Sony, the same company that has brought you: Ghostbusters 2016 and the Emoji movie. Now don’t get me wrong lots of movie companies use nostalgia to try and sell tickets, but no one does it quite as poorly as Sony. The movie tries too hard to be some sort of woke feminist statement, but it ends up just being really forced. One of the main actresses, Kristen Stewart has commented that this movie is ‘taking down the patriarchy’ Ah yes, this feminist reboot of a non-feminist show, is taking on the patriarchy head on! C’mon, no one will believe that this mediocre action film is making is making any kind of significant social impact. It would have made a much bigger impact if the movie was not only made by women, but also, enjoyable to watch. The movie was, unsurprisingly, a massive flop shattering Elizabeth Banks dream of turning it into a franchise. It had a budget of $50 million and ended up making $8 million in it’s opening weekend. No one cared to see it, and for those who did, they hated it. Like, seriously despised it, 4/10 on IMDB? Even shark tale is rated better than that. But Elizabeth Banks wasn’t ready to admit that maybe, just maybe, her movie wasn’t that good. No, instead she was bracing herself for a box-office flop, by blaming men. Prior to the movie��s disastrous opening weekend, she had said that if the movie didn’t do well, it would reinforce a stereotype in Hollywood that men don’t go to see women do action movies. Here’s a little thinker for ya, if people don’t go and see your movie, it may not be because all men are sexist pigs, but people would rather watch a good movie. Regardless of whether or not there’s a female character in it. Not to mention other medias with female leads have gone on to be extremely successful. Alien? Kill Bill? Tomb Raider? Both Frozen’s? Metroid series? Mulan? Wonder women? Bank’s counters this by saying that the female comic superhero movies are only successful because they are tied into a larger, male genre of movies. Wait so, the successful movies starring women are successful because men are sexist, but your movie isn’t successful because men are sexist? What are you babbling about? Look, I understand it sucks to see a movie you directed, produced and acted in fail, but this weak finger pointing is not going to help.

Now let’s analyse the movie and see why people hated it so much.

Above all, Charlie’s angels is a comedy spy action movie that doesn’t work as a comedy, spy or an action movie. The plot is basically this high-stakes mission about retrieving weapons of mass destruction. But the problem is that the movie never bothers to actually visually establish as dangerous or as anything really. All we see is one of those devices killing one guy right beside it and then being automatically self-destructed. Then there’s the “action”. It’s mostly just noise without any meaningful character moments or choices or obstacles or any real sense of danger. Most of the time the action sequences don’t even serve any purpose plot-wise. On top of it the physics of it are so illogical they just make no sense. Like just watch the car falling out scene. But all that aside what I wanna focus on is the aspect of Charlie’s angels that is probably the main cause of it’s downfall more that anything else; it’s relentless obsession with gender. There’s a difference between a good female-led movie and a movie so blindly obsessed with the feminist agenda that it gets to the point of being destructive to itself. A lot of times with a certain agenda of gender or social class or whatever they tend to feature a core theme that empowers the group or demographic that it’s about. And with Charlie’s angels the care theme is obviously female empowerment which is made very clear from even the first line in the movie “I think women can do anything”. Basically the core theme of Charlie’s angels is that women, by nature, can do anything. In itself, it’s a great message for younger female audiences. The problem is that the movie quickly grows so obsessed with this theme that instead of it being positively empowering, it actually becomes negatively degrading. Because when Charlie’s angels claims that women by nature can do anything, it doesn’t mean that women can do a certain specific set of things they set their minds to, it means that women, by nature, can do literally everything. And before you say that I’m saying it’s a problem because I hate women, hold on. There’s actually a major character issue that comes with this obsession; it makes every female character and main hero shallow and superficial and takes away their individual uniqueness that’s supposed to make them who they are. To show what I mean let’s look at our three main angels; one of them is this tall angel who initially is established as the physical brawler of the team, she’s powerful and likes to solve obstacles by running straight at it and punching them until their no longer obstacles. And that’s great that’s something that gives her character individuality and can delve much deeper into the movie. Thats who she is but then, she makes this smart science trap using chemicals, then all of a sudden this physical brawler turns out also to be a super-smart chemist, and to be clear; she doesn’t become that, she doesn’t learn to be that she already is that because again, women by nature, can do and be anything. So what exactly is the issue with this? Well at first she is this one specific thing, but then turns out to be an entirely other thing and suddenly, we don’t really know who she is anymore. To build on this example look at the Kristen Stewart’s angel, the way the movie tries to establish her is that she’s this confident improvisor of the team who uses her wits to gain an advantage over others. But the movie also presents her as just as competent of a physical brawler aa the tall angel, which not only makes her witty hustler personality kind of pointless, it also destroys her individuality it’s hard to know who Kristen Stewart is as a person when she can do and be the exact same as the person right next to her, and if we don’t know who she is it’s hard to get into or develop her as a character when we’re not even sure what it is we’re getting into or developing. The only character difference seems to be that Kristen Stewart says what ever haha ‘funny’ she has on her mind. Then we have princess Jasmin’s angel who is this super smart technology nerd thrust into this world she doesn’t belong in. And she could be a pretty Interesting character, if not for the fact that the movie has already presented the tall angel as super-smart as well, and the fact that Jasmin seems to be able to handle herself in a fight too. So, what makes her different? Who is she compared to the others? Who is she as an individual person? And pretty much with every female character the movie is so unhealthy obsessed with this agenda of female empowerment that it just ends up being a weakness. The characters don’t struggle, they don’t have any flaws or depth they don’t have anything that would make them individual people that the audience can care about and watch grow because in a world where everyone is special, no one is. When women by nature can do or be everything, the one thing they can’t do is be unique.

In addition to empowering the group their about, the other thing these movies with social agendas often do is villainise the demographic opposite them and show how they need to struggle to overcome obstacles set by this opposite demographic. And since Charlie’s angels is about women, obviously here the point is to showcase men and the evil they’re capable of. Which again, is made very clear, even from the very beginning. Basically, all male characters in Charlie’s angels are in some way douchebags who treat women in a derogatory sense. There’s a total of three good guy men in this movie. One of them dies, another one is cleansed of his whatever sins by a women beauty, and the last is like the perfect man from a dystopian world where women have enslaved men. So the message is that men can be a bit of an annoying obstacle to women. I personally don’t like this message, but it has potential to explore some really deep themes with it. But the problem again, is that this movie is so blindly obsessed with it’s agenda of having men be evil that it inadvertently destroys the very message it’s trying to explore. Firstly, just like the female side, all the males are diluted down to unrealistic caricatures nobody can take seriously. The security guard for example, his character is supposed to portray men abusing power against women, and it could have been a very powerful message, but the reason that moment doesn’t work whatsoever is because we’ve never even seen the security guard before, and so we have no perception of why he would do this. He’s not being evil because he’s jealous of Jasmin’s career, he’s not being evil because he’s hurt inside or anything, the movie is saying he’s being evil just because he’s a man. All men in this movie are being evil just because their men and that’s all there is to it.The movie doesn’t give us any reasons or explanations, no explored internal fears or flaws or motive or anything under the surface and that’s not how real life people function, that’s not how to get anything done with your message other than it being scoffed off as shallow and dumb. Secondly, this men are evil obsession creates a big narrative problem. In the sense that the plot of the movie quickly becomes very one-dimensional and easy to predict. For example, near the midpoint of the movie there’s a twist that Elizabeth Banks, who is the leader of the angels, might be evil, she might have some evil plan that involves tracking Patrick Stewart’s good guy character. But then you remember that this movie has just spent it’s entire runtime proposing that all men are evil just because their men which would then mean that OH WOW WHAT A SURPRISE THE MAN IN A FEMINIST MOVIE IS EVIL. The problem is that it’s really not that much of a surprise to anyone because from the start the film has done everything in it’s power to condition the audience to believe that women are all good and that men are all evil. Having a message criticising men or a whole demographic can be great and powerful. But you can’t let yourself be so blindly obsessed with it that you don’t even bother delving deeper into it.You can’t have women be good just because women are good and men be bad just because men are bad. That’s not realistic, that’s not how the world works, that’s not a message that will get anyone to listen and above all, it’s not good writing.

Another danger that can very easily come true in movies with social agendas is that the message they’re pushing becomes very one-sided. To the point of alienating a certain section of the audience. And with Charlie’s angels, wether the filmmakers intended it or not, the fact is that the movie altogether as a whole is very anti-male. I’ve already commented about all male characters being portrayed as shallow evildoers, but there’s also an underlying theme that men as people are objectively sinful creatures who deserve bad things to happen to them. It docent matter who they are or what they have or haven’t done, if something bad happens to them, it’s okay because they deserve it. For example, there’s a long-running ‘joke’ where the angels continuously injure a bunch of guys and then make quips about wether or not they’re gonna wake up. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with this, when your making a movie, you are allowed to portray any group of people or entities in whatever positive or negative way you want. So if you want to make a blatantly obvious movie where a specific gender as a whole is portrayed as the worst possible thing in the universe, that’s fine. But you also need to understand is that there’s also gonna be financial consequences from that specific audience. See, before Charlie’s angels hit theatres, it was clear it was gonna be a flop. And knowing this, director Elizabeth Banks had said what I had put above: “if the movie didn’t do well, it would reinforce a stereotype in Hollywood that men don’t go to see women do action movies” and wether or not the statement has truth(which it doesn’t) is irrelevant. The importance of the statement is the implications that Elizabeth Banks doesn’t understand the concept of biting the hand that feeds. Now I don’t really like the anti-male stuff in Charlie’s angels, but as I’ve said, you’re allowed to do whatever you want in your show. So I understand why male audiences didn’t go out of their way to pay money to see their own gender be continuously criticised and called evil. For example if you make a whole movie ridiculing females and calling them the scum of the earth in a very on-the-nose way, you can’t just expect females to swarm in and support it. Thats not how it works. Whatever message your movie has, you have to be smart about how you deliver it. Don’t just say ‘Women good, men bad’ find a way to imply what it is you wanna say through metaphors. As a filmmaker, you would want everyone to enjoy the film, regardless of gender or race or whatever. I’m not criticising Charlie’s angels because I hate female-led movies. I’m being critical of Charlie’s angels because superficial agenda movies like Charlie’s angels are the reason why we still have so relatively few female led movies. And I’d like to think that by now we’re past one-dimensional messages like this.

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my-makeshift-masquerade · 5 years

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The Lion King 2 Was Good: Change My Mind

SPOILERS AHEAD

Now, I know that no film is perfect. I’m saying that this sequel gets a lot of hate online, and I don’t understand why at all. Keep in mind that this movie was a direct to DVD release, meaning it had barely had a comparible budget to the original. It was made in 1998 and used traditional styles of animation. Considering these factors, it’s no wonder it cannot live up to the legendary masterpiece that it’s original film will be until the end of time. But I think the creators of this film did an amazing job, and I want to provide some reasons as to why.

The writing for this movie is often criticized as lazy and unoriginal. I think this complaint is more reflective of a genre difference than anything else. The Lion King was based on Hamlet, and the Lion King 2 was based on Romeo and Juliet. Both are Shakespearean tragedies, but the latter is far more focused on romance for obvious reasons. That means the overall pacing and writing for the second film is slightly different from its predecessor. For example, while the original had the intense Mufasa death scene earlier in the film, the death of Nuka in the second film was near the end. If viewers only wanted a remake of the Lion King script with different animation, they’d clearly be disappointed in this sequel.

The characters get criticized a lot, too. Kiara is often called a brat, but really she shares a similar arc with many other female characters from Disney. You know, the one where the girl disobeys her overprotective or controlling parent because she has a desire to be/achieve something more. The arcs that also occur in characters like Rapunzel, Merida, Ariel and Mulan. We don’t call any of these characters brats, do we? They did essentially the same exact thing as Kiara.

Timon and Pumbaa were there, and Rafiki too. They didn’t have as much of an impact as the central cast though, so let’s get to the rest of them.

Simba and Nala were hardly the same characters we saw in the first film, but there’s a good reason for it. Simba clearly has some issues from the beginning. He’s like a lion racist, on top of bejng extremely hypocritical and protective of his daughter. Clearly his traumatic experiences with Scar affected him very deeply. We even get a whole dream sequence about how he subconsciously sees Kovu as another Scar in the second film. Nala is more level headed as usual, but she still is understanding of what Simba is going through.

Kiara is the one who doesn’t hold back on criticizing her father for his prejudices. She even tells him straight up what he needs to accept: “You will NEVER BE MUFASA!”

Now, onto the Outlanders. Zira was an amazing character, and quite a revolutionary villain. She lived up to Scar’s evil legacy, and then some. She is so underrated and honestly I don’t get it. This is the mother gothel before mother gothel. “Mother Knows Best” and “My Lullaby” had the same manipulative energy and the only difference between these two villainous ladies is the details of their motivations.

Nuka... Oh Nuka. I want to give him a hug, because this poor boy needs it. Despite his obvious flaws in the eyes of his own mother, he was absolutely committed to his family, in a way that made his death scene so sad. His last words were: “I’m sorry mother. I tried.” He deserved to live and nobody can convince me otherwise!

Vitani, while being a minor character, is very well done. She is likable and her sibling dynamics with Nuka are fun to watch. She even has an arc as at the end of the film, she sides with Kovu and Kiara rather than her mother.

Now for the furry maker himself. Kovu is such a likable character, even without all the charm the animators and voice actor gave him. He clearly has a big heart and the relationship he has with Kiara feels very genuine and mutual between them both. They listen to eachother and work together perfectly. I don’t see why so many people think the relationship is forced...

The animation did leave a lot to be desired, but the music sure didn’t. The songs in this film do what they’re meant to do, and sound amazing.

In my opinion, I think the Lion Guard is comparable to a fanfiction. I’m sure it’s not that bad of a show, don’t get me wrong. I say this simply because of the way it shoved itself into the Lion King 2 canon, and added a bunch of lore that had never been established prior. It feels like it has to be an alternate universe if anything. With all the magic and marks and other friend animals, some that Simba even asks Timon for specifically when he’s hungry in the first movie. Not kidding, he asks for hippo meat. It just pushed itself into the story line and didn’t bother trying to keep the originality of the lore in place. But this is Disney we’re talking about.

It also bugs me that they felt the need to add Kion rather than using the already free spirited cub Kiara as the protagonist. Seriously. They changed her entire character to make this new cub seem different. Kiara says bluntly as a cub that she didn’t want to be queen in the second film, then in the Lion Guard, she is all stuck up about being the queen and brags about it? Makes zero sense. For those who say she learned to take on the responsibility, bullshit. She didn’t even accept her royal responsibilities as a young adult in the second film. Alternate universes have to be at play here. A character can’t have their personality go 180 that fast. That’s just bad writing.

Well, that’s my post defending the Lion King 2, because nobody else seems to want to talk about the positive sides of this film. Feel free to give your opinions, but there’s no guarantee I will immediately respond.

#lion king 2 #lion king #lion guard

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lemon-writings · 5 years

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Playlist: Hamish

The atmosphere of Hamish is best described as “sad, vaguely religious, and dark”, and this playlist conveys that pretty well, in my opinion.

Happy Pills - Weathers

We can go to my house if you wanna / Hang out in my bedroom, lose your honor / Even if they find us, we're apathetic / And they can't take that away

The voices in my right brain are kinda funny / They tell me "take a deep breath, it's always sunny" / But where I leave the lights on / It's so obvious that my life's pretty plain

Choke - I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

Now shut your dirty mouth / If I could burn this town / I wouldn't hesitate / To smile while you suffocate and die / And that would be just fine / And what a lovely time / That it would surely be / So bite your tongue / And choke yourself to sleep

You get everything you want / And money always talks / To the idiot savants

Daddy Issues - The Neighborhood

I know how much it matters to you / I know that you got daddy issues / And if you were my little girl / I'd do whatever I could do / I'd run away and hide with you / I love that you got daddy issues / And I do too

I keep on trying to let you go / Not even let you know / How I'm getting on / I didn't cry when you left at first / But now that you're dead it hurts / This time I gotta know / Where did my daddy go?

Go ahead and cry little boy / You know that your daddy did too / You know what your mama went through / You gotta let it out soon, just let it out

“From Now On We Are Enemies” - Fall Out Boy

What good comes of something when I'm just the ghost of nothing?

I'm just the man on the balcony singing: / "Nobody will ever remember me, " / Rejoice, rejoice and fall to your knees

Lunatic of a god or a god of a lunatic? / Oh, their faces are dancing / They're dancing til / Til they can't stand it / A composer but never composed / Singing the symphonies of the overdosed / A composer but never composed / Singing: / "I only want what I can't have"

Heralded as a king before I had a birthday / With double digits / Fit the crown to my head but I was only a kid

After the Storm (feat. Tyler, the Creator) - Kali Uchis, Tyler, the Creator, Bootsy Collins

Whatever goes around eventually comes back to you / So you gotta be careful, baby / And look both ways before you cross my mind

So if you need a hero (if you need a hero) / Just look in the mirror (just look in the mirror) / No one's gonna save you now / So you better save yourself

I know it's hard / But do you even really try? / Maybe you could understand / When all you had to do was ask / And just open your mind / When everything is passing by / And all you had to do was try / Yeah, all you had to was try

Garbage Bin - Tiny Little Houses

I don't want to go back home / I don't want to see my folks / Just gonna hold my breath and maybe with some time I'll learn to float

I need a little bit of money and a little bit more time / I keep on losing my friends to suicide / And it don't get much better than this / I hate to break it, but, the longer that you try / The less likely that you will make it / I don't want to be alone / I don't want to die at home

I think I’m getting depressed / It’s always me against the world / I’m well aware I’m egocentric / And it’s going to hell

Relapse - Divided By Friday

I don’t wanna be somebody falling into relapse / Every time I see that smile again / I just think of when you said “I love you, / But I don’t think I can be the one.” / And, the truth is, we could’ve been happy, / But you would not believe in me

And, no, I can’t pretend I’m fine / With the life you left behind / Or keep on hoping that you change your mind.

Happy Little Pill - Troye Sivan

I’ll take a dip into the / Unknown, unknown

Oh, glazed eyes, empty hearts / Buying happy from shopping carts / Nothing but time to kill / Sipping life from bottles / Tight skin, bodyguards / Gucci down the boulevard / Cocaine, dollar bills / And / My happy little pill / Take me away / Dry my eyes / Bring color to my skies / My sweet little pill / Tame my hunger / Lie within / Numb my skin

Bad Blood - Bastille

We were young and drinking in the park / There was nowhere else to go / And you said you always had my back / Oh but how were we to know / That these are the days that bind you together, forever / And these little things define you forever, forever / All this bad blood here, won't you let it dry?

If we're only ever looking back / We will drive ourselves insane / As the friendship goes resentment grows / We will walk our different ways

Mama’s Gun - Glass Animals

Dirty Dustin, said he saw him / Playing ball with Dizzy Jim / Dizzy Jim had never spoken / Whispered back, "You murdered him" / My heart strings broke and it was me / I pull, they stretch infinitely

Play with me, my love, in the summer sun / I'll be waiting in your favorite Cheshire grin / Lay with me, my dear, in the evening clear / I'll be dreaming in my paper-pale skin

Wires - The Neighborhood

Mr. Know-it-all had his reign and his fall / At least that's what his brain is telling all

If he said "help me kill the president" / I'd say he needs medicine / Sick of screaming "let us in" / The wires got the best of him / All that he invested in goes / Straight to hell, straight to hell

He tells me to be raw / Admits to every little flaw / That never let him sit upon the top / Won't tell me to stop / Thinks that I should be a little cautious / Well, I can tell the wires pulled

I'm having trouble in believing / And I just started seeing / Light at the beginning of the tunnel / But he tells me that I'm dreaming / When he talks I hear his ghosts / Every word they say to me / I just pray the wires aren't coming

Dirty Laundry - Bitter:Sweet

I'm just a bad girl, that's why we get along / Won't make excuses for anything I'm doing wrong / I'll pull the trigger in a flash / Watch out honey, step back

What's the fun in playing it safe? / Think I'd rather misbehave / We're simply mad / Simply mad

DeMarcus Cousins & Ashley - Hobo Johnson

I love breathing, pizza, Santa Claus and Jesus and other things that feel real nice to believe in / I love drinking, but not enough to ever have to go to all those stupid meetings (Let's go)

I love you like the stars love lonely eyes, ah / On seven consecutive Friday nights / I- I love you like the dog hates the leash / And the leash loves the dog, like I love nothing else at all

Father - Hobo Johnson

He told me son beware, of the monsters / That roam the depths of your head / Sometimes they'll make you real sad or / Or real real mad, or real real jealous and / That's real real bad, boy breathe / Nicotine until you fall asleep like all of our family

My father's married to a shape shifting monster / Who can sometimes take the form / Of a really really really nice woman

Evil Woman - Electric Light Orchestra

There's a hole in my head where the rain comes in / You took my body and played to win / Ha, ha, woman, it's a cryin' shame / But you ain't got nobody else to blame

Ha, ha, woman, what you gonna do / You destroyed all the virtues that the Lord gave you

Ha, ha, funny how you broke me up / You made the wine, now you drink the cup / I came runnin' every time you cried / Thought I saw love smilin' in your eyes

The evil woman (you're an evil woman) / The evil woman

Bang The Doldrums - Fall Out Boy

This city says / Come hell or high water / Well, I'm feeling hot and wet / I can't commit to a thing / Be it heart or hospital

Best friends, ex-friends 'til the end / Better off as lovers and not the other way around / Racing through the city, windows down / In the back of yellow checkered cars

The tombstones were waiting / They were half-engraved / They knew it was over / Just didn't know the date

Tap Water Drinking - Lewis Del Mar

The night’s getting wobbly / It's seven in the morning / And I should leave you probably / But everything else is boring

I want to drink your water / A tap from the Caribbean / Forbidden fruit's in season / Cherry lips and fresh peaches

Sex in the City - Hobo Johnson

Beautiful people only live in downtown / And midtown and not around where I stay / Is it their brain that really matters / Or their character that flatters / Or dependent on their beautiful face

Wait for It - Leslie Odom Jr.

Death doesn’t discriminate / Between the sinners / And the saints / It takes and it takes and it takes / And we keep living anyway / We rise and we fall / And we break / And we make our mistakes / And if there’s a reason I’m still alive / When everyone who loves me has died / I’m willing to wait for it

I am the one thing in life I can control

Hamilton doesn’t hesitate / He exhibits no restraint / He takes and he takes and he takes / And he keeps winning anyway / He changes the game / He plays and he raises the stakes / And if there’s a reason / He seems to thrive when so few survive, then Goddamnit—

Grave Digger - Matt Maeson

I can't run to you, father / I need love / I can't talk to you, mother / I know it's got you caught up

But tell me if I run away, how long will I bleed? / So, tell me if I run away, how long will I bleed?

I'll be tryna suck all of the liquid out the dirt / Tryna catch a curve, digging my own grave! / Ooh, mama

Archive - Mal Blum

And the hotel where I slept that night / Was surely haunted, then / Because every hour, I woke up feeling / So watched and wanted and / I think I remember that from when we met / Which feels so insignificant / Or maybe odd now to admit / It's all in retrospect, oh

Pretending I was sane / And giving up / The things I love the most / Because they felt like pain

We don't believe in ghosts and such / We watch the hunt incredulous / But cannot look away

We're gonna die and maybe it's gonna be alone / We're gonna die and maybe it's gonna be alone / And no one will find the things we left behind

Do It All The Time - I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

No need to cry / I'm only doing anything I want to do / Because I do it all the time / (Do it all the time)

Now we're so young / But we're probably gonna die / It's so fun / We're so good at selling lies / We look so good / And we never even try / Get your money from a trust fund / Do it all the time

Pretty Little Head - Eliza Rickman

Hook, line, and sinker / Drop it down to the bottom / Butterfly float, flicker, soar to the top / Kill for the thrill / Cut it, stick it where you got him / Circle Rolling Under, running red to the stop

Boy, where's your mother? / Fall down dead / Dirty mind, dirty mouth, pretty little head / I wish you were here, I wish you'd make my bed / Dirty mind, dirty mouth, pretty little head

Take a breath, my heart, and hold your tongue / It's just a cog in the year of all my love

Peach Scone - Hobo Johnson

They're just really good friends, and that's fine / He understands, it's rational

Hi, what's your name? How are you? How’s your life? / Oh, you got a man? Are you in love? If so, what type? / Is it just platonic, strictly just as friends / Or the type that ties you two together 'til tomorrow’s end? / If it is, disregard every time I call you pretty / Though it’s meant sincerely, it’s just my imagination drifting

And I love the thought of being with you / Or maybe it’s the thought of not being so alone! / Hey, the second one’s way sadder than the first one / But I don’t know

Shit, I love being—I love being loved, but / Don't like crying on the phone

Wait - The Dear Hunter

I lost my faith when I was young / I clenched my fist to bite my tongue

Then I said wait / Are our bodies really piles of dirt? / And is the soul just a metaphor? / I keep my eyes from looking too far up / I fear that there is a heaven above

I stood in lines to bow my head / I'd fold my hands and speak in tongues / To whisper worries to the dead / But I could tell no apparition heard a single word I said / But I'd still call my fear in to the air

Is my body really part of the earth / And is there blood running through my veins? / I'll know when I turn to dust / But I fear the answer isn't enough / So, will I never know heaven or hell? / Or is eternity something worse?

I hope there's not a heaven above

bury a friend - Billie Eilish

What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? / What are you wondering? What do you know? / Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me? / When we all fall asleep, where do we go?

Today, I'm thinkin' about the things that are deadly / The way I'm drinkin' you down / Like I wanna drown, like I wanna end me

Step on the glass, staple your tongue (Ahh) / Bury a friend, try to wake up (Ah-ahh) / Cannibal class, killing the son (Ahh) / Bury a friend, I wanna end me

It's probably somethin' that shouldn't be said out loud / Honestly, I thought that I would be dead by now (Wow) / Calling security, keepin' my head held down / Bury the hatchet or bury a friend right now

Killer - The Hoosiers

I hate my work, but I'm in control / I'm fearless now, but it cost my soul

Blood red lips, they shake like leaves / You're flesh and blood, but what's underneath?

It's alright to scream, I'm screaming too / Why do you think I do these things I do? / For shadows haunted me like ghosts / So I became what I feared the most / I conduct fear like electricity / A man made monstrosity

This Is Home - Cavetown

Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love but I guess / This avoids the stress of falling out of it / Are you tired of me yet? I'm a little sick right now but I swear / When I'm ready I will fly us out of here

Are you dead? Sometimes I think I'm dead / Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head / But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet

Exit Music (For a Film) - Radiohead

Wake from your sleep / The drying of your tears / Today we escape, we escape / Pack and get dressed / Before your father hears us / Before all hell breaks loose

Breathe, keep breathing / Don't lose your nerve / Breathe, keep breathing / I can't do this alone

And you can laugh a spineless laugh / We hope your rules and wisdom choke you / Now we are one in everlasting peace / We hope that you choke, that you choke

Human - Jon Bellion

There's someone gorgeous in my bed tonight / Yet I'm still petrified that I'll die alone

I'm just so sick of being human

I got no guts to tell the one I love / That she's the reason that I wrote this song / And that's some coward shit, I know it's sus / But Lauren call me when you hear this song

Shrike - Hozier

Words hung above, but never would form / Like a cry at the final breath that is drawn / Remember me, love, when I'm reborn / As a shrike to your sharp and glorious thorn I'd no idea on what ground I was founded / All of that goodness is going with you now / Then when I met you, my virtues uncounted / All of my goodness is going with you now

Jesus Christ - Hobo Johnson

I've been on the wrong side of a bunch of arguments lately / Momma, I may never come home again / Momma said, "There's nothing wrong with being happy" / Happy trails, but Momma, I'm just feeling so alone / Momma said she's busy working, spending time with that other guy / But Momma, I just wanna come home / "But home is where your heart is, boy, at least you've got a phone"

Jesus Christ, you're super nice / But don't expect much from me, I / Would kneel down, but I'm afraid that I would just feel nothing Praise God / And other things that don't make sense to puny minds / Like ours, designing roller coasters that almost always seem to fall apart / Ain't it fun, ain't it fun, ain't it fun

Jesus Christ, you're super nice / I'm sure that you could love me / Even if I don't go to church every Sunday / Jesus Christ, you're super nice / How could you let me burn? / If I'm not murdering people, then smashing their fucking urn

#playlist #spotify playlist #hamish #hamish playlist #novel playlist

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dentalrecordsmusic · 6 years

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DRM Unplugged: Exploring Musicians & Mental Health with [Anonymous]

In this guest blog series, Dental Records Music News invites any and all alternative musicians to share their experiences with mental illness in order to shed light on the issues and hurdles they must face in order to create and perform. If you would like to read more and follow our series, check out this link. You can also check out PunkTalks.org for information on getting help and support if you are a musician who is struggling.

The following is a guest post by an alternative musician who chose to remain anonymous. This is their story.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here we go.

I grew up told I was smart, kind, and handsome, like most products of the self-esteem generation. The kids at school thought I was weird – but I always brushed it off, knowing that I was creative, and being weird was okay. I was a precocious, chubby little boy with straight A’s and very proud parents.

The first time a stranger took advantage of me sexually I was around 12 years old. I’d never kissed anyone. No valentine in my locker. No notes handed in class. No sweaty palms on first dates. I was instead manipulated into sexual activities with nameless, faceless, adult men. The abuse continued repeatedly for years. But because I was a boy, I couldn’t conceive of myself as a victim of anything. The behavior was my own – I was a weird, sick kid. I took responsibility, and hated myself for it.

I tried to compensate with musical pursuits. Over the next couple years, I identified with that, playing guitar, and with the personality my parents raised me thinking I had. I used elements of my identity to try and make up for what I believed to be a shameful flaw of my own, blaming myself for the abuse and never considering otherwise. I assumed I was a perverse but kind-hearted, eccentric, to-be genius waiting to bloom. I don’t know how much I believed it – but I needed other people to. I needed witnesses to the qualities I believed were the saving grace from my otherwise unacceptable personality flaws. I needed to tell myself something to keep myself thinking my life was worth living – I needed others to tell me that too. When they didn’t, I fell apart. I wrapped myself up with that as my friends came and went. A couple stayed, most left as I became more and more unpopular. I became certain I was just too different, too complicated, to be understood by the masses.

I retreated further into my confused identity, and further into the grooming. My self-esteem continued to fall apart, and I became more and more isolated. I started to act out in school, my grades began to plummet. My home life became strained. I would lie about having done my homework – and when my ma would catch me, she would scream and yell at me for being “manipulative.” During the aftermath of one particularly bad episode of my acting out and abusing my fellow classmates, I told the school counselor that I thought about suicide sometimes. I was sent home with Ma, who threw shoes at my head and sobbed “everyone’s suicidal, [name].”

What was wrong with me? I was some kind of sicko who couldn’t handle a little suicidal ideation. I turned to food. Now I was obese. Ma would hide food in little stockpiles because I would “eat everything that isn’t nailed down,” and I would proceed to find it and eat it in minutes. I was further branded as a sneak, a liar, a manipulator. I believed every word of it – after all, I had known I was messed up in the head since I was 12 years old.

I began to have obsessive, compulsive thoughts. Disturbing, intrusive images would come into my mind, terrify me, and then refuse to leave. The more disgusted I was by these thoughts and the more terrified by them I was, the more trouble I would have shaking them. Failing to process that if I were the sicko I was terrified of being, I wouldn’t be terrified. I saw a therapist. He diagnosed me with “pure-o” obsessive-compulsive disorder. There was talk of medication, Ma had taught me that psych meds were terrible, evil things that destroyed your personality. I didn't want to lose what I thought at the time made me special. The treatment went no further.

There were times I had no friends at all. I would often invite mockery from people with talk of suicide. I took up smoking. In the mornings, I would wake up before anyone else so I could scrounge for cigarette butts on the ground and use my lunch money to binge eat the snack foods in the cafeteria. I didn’t get to hang out with the kids I wanted to, and the kids I used to hang out with didn’t want to hang out with me. I sat at a lunch table with kids I barely got along with. I had mood swings. I got physical. I was mocked and sexually humiliated by classmates. I left them with bloody mouths.

I finally got a girlfriend – from out of town, of course, as I was understandably not well liked at home – I lost my virginity to her. One I sort of still had, and maybe didn’t exactly. I cried when we were done. I think it was because I knew then that my childhood was over and never going to come back.

My mood swings and narcissistic need to overcompensate for this snowballing tangle of self-loathing and sickness grew. I would steal liquor from my parents' bar and drink it from a water bottle in school. I began to fail classes.

My area’s culture was certain that anyone who didn’t go to college was a loser – my parents didn’t raise no loser. But I was not destined for college, and I didn’t want to go.

The extracurricular pursuits I involved myself in in school saved me. My talent hopefully overcoming my ugliness. I left to go to school begrudgingly and desperately depressed and developed an eating disorder of sorts. I ran a pro-ana blog on Tumblr and lost weight alarmingly quickly. I dropped out. My latest out-of-town girlfriend and I pursued drugs together, mostly hallucinogens and alcohol. We broke up several times and abused each other mercilessly.

The next few years were an escalating series of self-destructive actions. Trying to numb the pain of every year leading up to them. I was arrested multiple times. I kept hallucinating. Nobody knew. I became physically dependent on alcohol. I got in several car accidents. I tried therapy a couple of times and gave it up each time. I begged for money on street corners. Ate out of the garbage. I argued with homeless folk who’s corner was who’s. I developed a vaguely alt-right worldview. I binged and purged. I shook and panicked and hallucinated. I screamed about god at passing people on the street. I harassed and bullied and abused strangers and friends alike. If I had friends. I spent a short while believing I might be the reincarnation of Jesus. I may have tried to convince others - I'm not sure, there are years of my life that have nearly been erased. I tried to convince people inanimate objects were intelligent and conscious. I was an animal. I was what they call crazy.

It was terrifying, confusing, and it hurt like hell. After years of this madness, I started fighting. I battled through the alcoholism, shaking and hallucinating. I waded through the depression, treaded water over the waves of panic attacks. I relapsed and relapsed, I got worse and got better and got worse. I finally kicked the booze and constant drug use and began to take on the psychiatric illness that had been adding fuel to the fire. I started regular therapy and was prescribed a series of powerful psych meds.

That’s over now. My whole life has changed. I’m better now. I got help. I got some helpful diagnoses. I got sober. I got medicated. I’ve made public apologies for my past toxic behavior. I’m supposed to be better.

But I’m not. Because I’m still me.

I still have to wake up every morning inside the same head. It doesn’t matter that I’ve finally got a good job. It doesn’t matter that I’m fairly popular. It doesn’t matter that I’m in a relatively stable relationship and in therapy. It doesn’t matter that I’ve tried to make up for the wrong I’ve caused others, that I’ve worked and run charity events. It doesn’t matter that I work to be better every day. Because I still live every moment as [name] and from the outside, I know most people would say it doesn’t seem like that bad of a deal, but they’ve never been inside.

There’s this gaping hole inside me. This bottomless pit that wonderful things fall into but never pile up at the bottom. This endless void I feel behind my eyes that aches and groans and wants to consume everything around me. Every thrilling rush, every comforting reassurance, every scrap of love, every numbing distraction.

My life keeps getting better. If you knew the circumstances of my life you’d shake me and shout “wake up, [name] and get a hold of yourself! You’ve got an amazing life!” And yet I feel as empty and bottomless as before. That hole is a maelstrom that swallows me up and drags everyone around me with me. I’ve hurt people – broken their hearts, their trust, their faith. I’ve made people feel disposable and every bit as alone as I feel. And I’ve done it all by accident. Not even knowing what was happening. Am I still what they call crazy?

Every day I wake up looking out from behind these eyes, take the drugs that stop me from cutting my arms open again, flying into rages, riding waves of mania, and ranting and raving my suicidal ideations… and I’m still me.

I’ve told so many people that they are not their illnesses. But I think I may be mine.

About half the time I trudge along trying not to think of all the things that haunt me. Working to not give in to the grief of a past I never had a chance to have, the shame and guilt of the past I ended up having, the terror of the future I may have made for myself. The other half of the time?

I am certain there is no hope.

About half the time, I know for sure that I will kill myself.

No matter how much better of a person I am now. No matter how much nicer or more considerate or selfless I am. No matter how much I struggle to avoid inheriting my lineage’s malignant narcissism. No matter how many promises I make. No matter how many habits I break. No matter how many people I make peace with. No matter how many sins I atone for. No matter how many people I try to help. It’s still me doing those things.

I’m told to take my medication. I’m sick. I have a sickness. Ma reminds me that the real me is the person without the medicine. I don’t know much about who that is. After the substance abuse/alcoholic phase of my life and before the heavy mood stabilizers, there was only about a year of “the real me.” He was not the animal he was before – but he was still a piece of shit who ran around threatening suicide left and right and didn’t care enough about the people in his life. I don’t want to be him.

I’m better on the medicine. I’m less of the jerk who made your friend cry when he broke his heart. I’m less of the guy who dumps his partner just to beg for them to come back days later. I’m less the guy who abandons his friends and less the guy who is so consumed with his own misery he can’t bring himself to spare a minute for someone else. But I’m still me. And I hate me. And I’m fairly certain most people around me hate me too. I fit in nowhere. Still rejected by even the rejects.

My identity, my behavior, my beliefs, my feelings – all of those things are changing. But one thing stays the same, and that is the me experiencing all of those things. About half the time, I’m sure that thing needs to die. Everyone who knows me will have seen it coming, and probably find it totally fitting. They’ll be heartbroken, some of them, but nobody would be shocked. I’m the boy who cried wolf at this point. I’ve been threatening suicide in public and to my peers since I was a kid. Nobody listened.

Maybe I’m diseased. Maybe I am the disease. Maybe those two things aren’t mutually exclusive. Guess I caught it from my parents. Guess I caught it from the kids at school who shunned me for being fat or “goth,” or too weird - or who I shunned with preemptive self-defense attacks. Guess I caught it from the years of nameless, faceless adult men manipulating me as a little boy.

I have no advice for sufferers. I have no tips and tricks. I have no hotline numbers or cute memes. I’ve seen them all and they never helped me. I’m not looking to make an argument about the importance of removing the stigma against mental illness or whatever. This isn’t my bullshit “what life is like with anxiety” Buzzfeed article. This is just what I felt like saying tonight, but couldn’t tell anyone. Because it would hurt them to hear it, and do me no significant good anyway. And if I told people with my name and face attached to my words, it would be even worse.

Part of me wants to say that if only I had been born female, maybe I wouldn’t have been raised to think that it’s not possible for me to be sexually abused. Boys are told they can’t be raped. They’re called names for not wanting sex (by men and women alike) and they're shamed if they say no. Consent seems implied by having a dick in our culture. It’s a terrible thing nobody seems to talk about. I couldn’t say that without being anonymous either, I’d be attacked by everyone in my social media bubble.

The other part of me says shut up [name] you were asking for it and you’ve just developed a shitty personality cause you can’t handle how much of a gross fat ugly unlovable disgusting stupid narcissistic worthless piece of shit you are. This is all your fault and you’re not sick, you’re just human fucking trash. You should’ve been naturally selected out of the gene pool is all – and when the poor innocent souls who raised you were burdened by your accidental conception they were kind and misguided enough to avoid aborting you. They paid for it by you bringing your problematic, troubled, toxic existence to the world.

If you’ve read this whole thing, I’m sorry for putting my miserable little life on you. It’s so not a big deal to anyone but me. Which maybe is the point.

Yeah. That’s the point.

Nobody gives a shit. Nobody wants to hear it. We share our condolences and contrived pop culture grief when some TV personality offs themselves and pat ourselves on the back for copying and pasting the suicide hotline number on facebook, but we don’t care. We tell each other to reach out to one another when what we really mean is “reach out to me!” And of course, nobody reaches out.

The point is that I am so unhappy all the time. I am so confused and hurt and lost and scared and angry and ashamed every waking moment and nobody cares. I’ve told so many people so many times in so many ways how horrible things are and how hopeless it seems about half the time. None of them have done anything except for a “damn that sucks” now and again.

If I said all this without withholding my identity it would do nothing for me. I’d get in trouble, most likely. For making people worry, for being self-centered, for having an abusive past, for the fact that I once actually identified as alt-right, for scaring people. A handful of people might reach out and say they appreciate me and that they don’t want me to kill myself. And then it’d be over. Nothing would change. Because they’re suffering too.

Look at how fucked up and complicated and messy my life has been. Look at how much there is there. How much flawed nonsensical misery and obvious illness is there. There’s so much to be said, but nobody wants to hear it. If only people listened. Maybe none of this shit would’ve happened. None of the abuse, the isolation, the loneliness, the eating disorders, the borderline/bipolar/ocd diagnoses, the drug and alcohol addictions, the constant thoughts of suicide, the ugliness I lived, the pain I caused people. But nobody wants to hear it.

It’s not a stigma against mental illness. It’s the fact that nobody wants to hear it. It’s the fact that we’re too desperate to be heard to hear each other.

Nobody’s listening. Everyone just wants to be listened to. So forget me. Just like everyone forgets everyone. I’ll keep my cries for help anonymous. Because then it could be anybody!

Thing is it really could be.

If you or someone you know is a musician and struggling with mental illness, check out PunkTalks.org.

If you would like to contribute to this ongoing series about musicians and mental health, you can send us an email here.

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#drm unplugged #mental illness #feature #musicians #ocd #abuse #suicide #borerline personality disorder #bipolar disorder

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monotype-on-phantom · 7 years

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This!!! This is the chance I’ve been looking for!!!

“So, even with everybody thinking you’re a bad ghost, you’re still gonna try to be the hero?”

“Well, somebody’s gotta. If not me, who’s gonna protect this town? Besides, it’s not like I can ignore a scream for help.”

I am so gonna talk about this boy I’ve been waiting for a good chance to talk about what a good, pure child he is and I am taking it now. Bless his heart I love him so much.

Let’s talk about Daniel James Fenton and why he deserves love and protection forever and always.

And yeah, I know that middle name isn’t canon, but it fits really well and I’m keeping it.

Danny goes through the biggest changes over the course of the series out of basically anyone (with maybe Valerie coming close), so let’s try to start at the beginning.

We don’t know a whole lot about what Danny was like before he got his powers. We know that he was closer to his mom and sister, and that he’s always been considered a shy, clumsy nerd. Dash seems to make fun of him for being small and weak more than anything (aside from coming from the freaky Fenton family), and that seems to be how most of the school that knows he exists sees him. He’s small, awkward, dorky, and a wimp.

Aside from that, the best idea we get of what he was like is in Memory Blank.

Ghosts are scary transforming is scary i have no idea what I’m doing somebody hjelp.

Danny has been taught all his life that ghosts are pure evil, and that they’ll attack and destroy without hesitation. As such, he’s understandably terrified of them, even more than Jazz, from what we see. This is likely what most people tell themselves whenever Danny runs off when a ghost shows up. He’s scared and wants to hide. So really, his reputation of being wimpy isn’t exactly unwarranted.

In spite of that, though, what a lot of people don’t know about him is how unbelievably brave and selfless he is.

Danny stepped into that portal, and the first time, he didn’t have Sam explaining what was going on. None of them knew what was going on. For all they knew at first, he’d died, and even when he realized he could change back, that didn’t seem to help much. One of the first conversations he has with his friends is about how he just wants to be normal again, and how if he’s discovered he’ll be viewed as a freak. Spectra’s able to play to this rather easily in My Brother’s Keeper. Danny has no idea what he even is, and he’s terrified of people finding out and not being able to accept him.

Spectra might be evil, but she’s good at what she does, and she notices pretty easily how much being accepted means to him. To quote her, he “cares too much what other people think.” It matters more to him than it does to even Sam or Tucker. It’s why episodes like Attack of the Killer Garage Sale happen. But who would accept some freaky nerd who’s not even really human anymore? Who’s at least half what his parents have taught him are evil, soulless monsters?

Of course he’s depressed. Of course he’s confused. Of course he doesn’t want to tell anybody aside from Sam and Tucker, the two people who he trusts to actually accept him no matter what.

In spite of all of that, though, even while he’s hating himself for being what he is, the only thing he can think to do with those powers is try to protect people from the ghosts coming through the portal.

Stealing? No. Pranks? No. Doing stuff like Tucker did with his powers and changing his grades? No. Freak or not, somebody has to fight off all these ghosts, and Danny’s powers allow him to do that. So superhero it is.

Though he’s not especially good at it at first, he still flings himself into danger and especially tries to protect his friends with what little he can do.

What does he get in return? Fighting ghosts keeps him from being able to study. It keeps him up late at night so he falls asleep in classes. In 13, he’s fighting ghosts for 24 hours straight, and then when they all get released, he stays up all night again capturing them all. He’s still beat up and made fun of at school by the very people he’s often protecting. Even his own parents take shots at him every chance they get. Skulker wants to kill and skin him. Valerie wants him destroyed for something that’s not really his fault. Hundreds of evil ghosts have grudges against him and would crush him the first chance they got.

Yet, even when he’s framed and labelled as public ghost enemy number one, he still wants to keep fighting to protect these people. It doesn’t matter if they hate him or if he ever gets anything in return, he’s decided this is his responsibility, and he’s going to do what he can.

And when he’s not able to save everyone? He blames himself, and goes to risk his life even further because if others are getting hurt, he’s not trying hard enough.

In Reign Storm, he literally would’ve died if Vlad had shown up a second later.

And the real kicker for me is that he never wanted any of this. He doesn’t want to be a superhero. Multiple times, he tries to go back to normal or to find some way to keep people safe while still being able to live his life as a normal teenager. Or, at the very least, he tries to find ways to make his own life easier (such as fighting back against bullies.) Every time that happens, though, it ends badly for everyone, and Danny just accepts that he’s supposed to be the good guy and keep people safe.

Even with all the lives he’s saved, though, he still views himself as a freak that nobody could accept. Early on in the show, he believes his parents would accept him, but by episode 9, hearing stuff like this all the time starts to get to him.

And if hearing that from your parents isn’t horrifying enough, Danny actually starts believing that they’d dissect him if they found out what he was. In Reality Trip, Danny’s secret is revealed to the whole world, he’s hunted down by the government, and he’s forced to travel all over the country or the lives of his family and the families of his friends are at stake. Of course, he doesn’t hesitate to do everything he can to keep his friends safe and save their families, but even while he’s doing that, he still says this.

Like, that is all kinds of levels of messed up? Danny’s doing everything he can to protect the people he cares about (and even the people he doesn’t), yet he still believes his own parents would slice him open at the first opportunity, even knowing he’s their son. That’s no reason to stop fighting and putting his life on the line, though.

The closest thing we ever get to seeing him actually accept himself and see himself as actually worth something is in the second to last episode, and even then it’s about someone else.

He’s strung up and tortured, and still the only thing on his mind is saving Danielle. Yeah, she’s a halfa, too. Heck, she’s a clone of him, but all he ever sees her as is a little girl and his family. Nobody aside from him would miss her if she died, and he hasn’t even known her for long, but without hesitation, he’s willing to trade his life for hers. She’s more than worth giving himself up to Valerie in order to keep her safe. This warms my heart for a lot of reasons, including the fact that this is likely the moment when he starts considering that maybe he’s worth something, too, even if he’s what he’d consider a freak. But even that takes an entirely new person, an innocent little girl, for him to even consider it.

And yes, he accepts his own clone without any hesitation. He loves her and wants to keep her safe no matter what.

Not even just his halfa clone, but Danny’s able to befriend other ghosts. The very things that his parents have told him for years are inhuman monsters, and that he became a superhero to fight off because he believed that. And those friends are worth risking his life for, ghosts or not.

He is a good, pure child and I will protect him.

Does he have flaws? Well, of course. He’d hardly be as interesting if he didn’t. He can be a bit shallow because of his desire to be accepted, he can be petty and hold grudges, he has moments of “selfishness” when he gets too tired to keep fighting and just doesn’t care anymore. As far as I’m concerned, though, he’s never done anything wrong in his life and I will defend him with mine.

And I shall fight anyone who tries to wake him up again. Let my boy sleep. He’s earned it.

#i'm so grateful that he has sam tucker and jazz in his life #this would be so much harder without them always being there for him #danny fenton #danny phantom #cast #plot #no episode tags because dang that'd take too long

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marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer · 7 years

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MTVS Epic Rewatch #158

VM 3x05 President Evil

Stray thoughts

1) This episode is a huge disappointment, and I’ll tell you why: the episode’s title is totally misleading. Like, I was 100% expecting zombies? Zombie presidents, more precisely. Rob Thomas, you sit on a throne of lies.

2) I love how all the students in Landry’s class groan when Tim announces he’s taking over the class for the day. It’s a small character moment, one that definitely goes unnoticed the first time watching the show and which acquires meaning in hindsight, once you really know who Tim actually is and what he did. The fact that the students groan at the fact that they’re stuck with him is very telling of what kind of person he is. Like, I don’t know about you, but if I were stuck with the TA for the day I’d be glad because it would mean a much more chill class and not that much work, you know? In this case, however, the students’ reaction clearly shows that Tim was way worse than the head professor, and he was merely the TA. So we can draw a lot of conclusions about his personality traits, which are coherent with his actions and with his ultimate downfall. He’s definitely a person who takes his job way too seriously in a way that usually makes things worse for everyone involved. He’s power-hungry and revels in having the tiniest bit of power and authority and takes it way too far. He wants to climb up the career ladder, he definitely has a disproportionate sense of entitlement and he craves recognition. That’s why he feels the need to brag when he commits what he thinks is the perfect crime, which leads to Veronica realizing what he’d done. This is why Rob Thomas is such a good writer, you know? He does a pretty similar thing with Mercer in this same episode: a small yet telling character moment, something that can be so easily overlooked because it seems so irrelevant and it doesn’t have “SIGNIFICANT CHARACTER MOMENT” written all over it but once all the mysteries are revealed that tiny moment makes so much sense. It’s a pretty good lesson in writing, if you ask me. (yes, I’m aware nobody asked me or cares.)

3) This moment always makes me feel a bit uncomfortable?

It’s kind of diminishing to use Eli as a case study, especially because she’s so clinical when she’s describing his life? Like, he’s an actual person and he’s standing right there and you’re talking about him as if he were this abstract thing, like a statistic or something? And also, he’s your friend? So, if you’ve come to any conclusions regarding the “socioeconomic conditions that lead preteens into a life of crime”, maybe talk them over with him over coffee or something? And yes, I am aware that Weevil willingly agreed to participate in this show-and-tell, but it still feels like she’s taking advantage of him? Which, granted, is pretty in character for Veronica, but it still feels so crappy of her to do this.

4) Look who’s here!

5) Also, this moment:

WEEVIL: I'm trying. I really am. But truth? I- Yeah, I miss it. I miss having cash in my pocket. I miss the thrill.

Cut to Veronica’s reaction:

Veronica shakes her head in an “Oh, Weevil...” kind of way, and smiles. She seems to be entertained by and kind of proud of his statement, yet the first time she has the chance, she will use this confession against him...

6) Then, there’s this exchange:

WEEVIL: Hey, word to the wise. You got a boyfriend? Use the short leash. VERONICA: As hard as this may be to believe, the women of Hearst aren't close to the top of my worries about Logan. WEEVIL: Wait, wait, wait. What? You're dating Logan again? After the way he treated Lilly? VERONICA: This is news? Man, the prison grapevine blows.

On the one hand, it seems kind of odd that after finding out who Lily’s killer was Weevil still believes that the person harming her was Logan instead of Aaron. I don’t really know if Lily had fed him lies about Logan - which could’ve totally happened, if you ask me - or if she had blamed Logan for bruises that Aaron was responsible for just because she didn’t want to reveal she was sleeping with someone else other than Logan and Weevil. Either way, Weevil should’ve started questioning everything Lily had told him after finding out about her affair with Aaron, you know? On the other hand, it kind of makes sense that he wouldn’t question the things Lily had told him. We know he was pretty much head over heels in love with her, and just like Veronica, he had put her on a pedestal. And I think he couldn’t or wouldn’t reconcile that idolized image he had of her with the reality (pretty much like Veronica, if you ask me.) Lily was, after all, a secretive and manipulative girl.

Then, there’s Veronica’s reaction to his question. She doesn’t bat an eyelid when he makes reference to Logan having treated Lily badly. In fact, she doesn’t even acknowledge that part of the question. But more importantly, she doesn’t set him straight? Which begs the question, why wouldn’t she want Weevil to know that Logan didn’t treat Lily badly? Why didn’t she tell him that it was pretty much the other way around?

Food for thought, I guess.

7) Veronica looks extra cute in this outfit, love it.

8) Ok, this is the small yet significant Mercer moment I was talking about...

JIMMY CARTER: You! Give me the cashbox? It's in the drawer behind you. Now! The combination! MERCER: You seem highly intelligent and motivated. Figure it out. JIMMY CARTER: The combination or you're gonna have to find someone new to deal the blackjack, man. (Carter was pointing the gun at the boy and then he slapped him harshly.)

First of all, there’s the costume. I mean, could there be a more fitting costume for Mercer than A Clockwork Orange’s Alex de Large? Seriously! Then, there’s his defiant attitude in a highly dangerous situation. He’s not used to being told what to do, it’s always him ordering people around and he really really wants to tell Jimmy Carter to fuck off. Even when the thief points the gun at the other boy and smacks him around, Mercer still takes his sweet time before doing what he was told. A normal person would probably comply immediately when someone’s life is at risk, you know? Not Mercer. There’s an utter disregard for other people’s wellbeing. He doesn’t really care, and it’s almost like he has to force himself to act unnaturally and pretend like he gives a damn if anyone in that room lives or dies. Kudos again to Rob’s writing.

This is not a threat nor a promise. It’s a fact. There is absolutely no doubt that Veronica will get that necklace back and that she will make this dude pay. I love how as he’s taking the necklace she’s already anticipating her sweet revenge and she can’t help but smile because she knows she will do everything in her power to crush him. Because making justice is not enough for Veronica, she has to have some payback as well...

10) It’s The Dude!!

11) Okay, I’ve just noticed this parallel with the movie...

VERONICA: Where were you? LOGAN: I was in class, like we talked about. Less gambling, more learning. That was right after you said "jump" and I asked "how high?"

12) Boy, was this awkward...

And like, you’ve just used the boy to get a good grade, you’ve seen how hard he’s working to stay on the right track, and now you’re using his past against him to blame him for something you really don’t know he’s guilty of. Like, she made a lot of assumptions here, and she thought she had solved the case only based on a few conversations with Weevil, she hadn’t done any sleuthing whatsoever that could paint him as a suspect yet. And just like that, she was yet another person that assumed he couldn’t be anything but a thief because of his past. And if everyone assumes the worst of you, even your closest friends, no matter how hard you try, you might as well prove them right you know?

She even made fun of the place he was living in (” Hope you don't mind. One of the cockroaches let me in.”) Like, how crappy is that?

13) And then...

WEEVIL: It's a wonder you don't have more friends.

She has the nerve to look affronted by this, but she has not witty comeback because she knows he’s right. He truly is.

14) Ugh this moment...

WEEVIL: Are you lining up your next girlfriend? Hmm?

Logan is visibly uncomfortable, as he should be, and he’s speechless because he knows he’s been caught. There’s no doubt in my mind that Logan was flirting with that girl and giving her his number. I don’t know if he took things any further, though I highly doubt it. Either way, what’s certain is that the writers wanted us and Veronica to doubt him. In that sense, mission accomplished. Logan’s behavior was dubious at best. But like, it’s completely out of character? We’ve seen Logan single, and we’ve seen Logan in a relationship, and while he may have other flaws when he’s someone’s boyfriend, he was never a cheater. He is, in fact, loyal to a fault. Especially when it comes to Veronica. And how could the same people who wrote loving, loyal Logan write him in this way now? Even if it was done to set up their breakup or whatever, that’s just not who he is. That’s not who you’ve shown us he is. The thing is, they could’ve written distrustful, paranoid Veronica without making us believe she could be right. In fact, it’s more interesting to see her spiral out of control when we know she’s wrong. Because, let’s be real, Veronica can make herself believe anything without having evidence to prove it, especially when it comes to distrusting Logan...

15) I like this moment...

VERONICA: So, when I look into this, and I will look into this, I'm gonna find out you didn't order that pizza? WEEVIL: Or you could just save yourself the trouble and take my word for it.

16) The boy fangirling over meeting Veronica is basically every marshmallow ever.

VERONICA: Hi, I'm looking for the manager. He or she around? DANNY: You're Veronica Mars. VERONICA: And you're… Danny. DANNY: Rossow. Yeah, I am. Cool. You went to my school last year. I go to Neptune High. VERONICA: Lucky you. DANNY: You remember when those bikers taped that guy up to the flagpole and you just walked up there and cut him down? VERONICA: Yeah. Listen- DANNY: Remember when you stopped those guys from blowing up the school? VERONICA: No one was gonna blow up the school. So, what I was going to- DANNY: On the last day, I really wanted you to sign my yearbook.

And he’s super into it when Veronica suggests he should help her out to solve the case...

He was really sweet, okay? And although she was admittedly not overly friendly at the beginning, she was kind of impressed and delighted with his impression of his boss. And now I kind of wish he would’ve become a recurring character. The fanboy who’s also very helpful.

17) Okay, but let’s be real: this girl was a mini-Veronica... (because - spoiler alert - Veronica is kind of an asshole...)

VERONICA: Hi. Any idea how this gum got from your mouth to that chair?

18) Keith has no right to lecture Veronica when she’s sassy with authority figures, right? I mean...

SANCHEZ: You presented yourself as an Adrian Monk... A Los Angeles County Building Inspector? And I believe that's your cell phone number written on it? KEITH: And? SANCHEZ: Sir, the apartment complex manager that you handed that to says you ordered him to let you into the apartment of a one Steven Batando. KEITH: Ordered? Asked politely, maybe.

Ok, so he broke the law, he was caught, and he mocks those who caught him? Like father, like daughter.

19)

LAMB: Batando's been missing for fifty-two hours. Guess what, Keith? You're the leading suspect in his disappearance.

Not so much with the jokey-jokes now, eh Keith?

20) Okay, I know I didn´t mention anything about the case Keith was working on, but it’s all sorts of creepy and wrong? So, the dean’s stepson has bone cancer and he hires Keith to track the kid’s deadbeat dad because he’s a match for the bone marrow transplant. They trick the guy into a fake audition so that the dean and his wife can gang up on him and convince him to donate his bone marrow to his son. It was all already quite gray at this point. When he doesn’t agree to do it, they kidnap him, take him to Mexico and have him have surgery on and his bone marrow taken... Like, I get it, your kid is dying, but not only is this wrong but also illegal? And then, the writers sort of want us to think the dean and his wife weren’t really wrong because they could buy the guy off with a car? So, like, that makes him the villain then? Yeah, NO.

21)

JENNY: Our stage is covered in Pam. VERONICA: Who's Pam? ORGON: Pam is a cooking spray. We can't walk out there without falling on our asses. We had the temerity to schedule our opening night on the same weekend as their short film festival. VERONICA: Maybe this is their way of saying break a leg.

22) And look who’s here... hey, Max!

Also: bad Wallace. Bad, bad Wallace.

23) Okay, not only did Wallace cheat, but he wasn’t very good at it? I mean, obviously, he was caught. But also, rule number one of cheating: DO NOT HAND IN YOUR EXAM EARLY.

Especially not when you’ve been getting crappy grades in the class...

24) See what I mean? She is not content with just serving justice, she has to completely humiliate the dude. Which, okay, serves him right on account of being a criminal and all.

25) This moment is so satisfying, though:

Also, the music on this show is always so spot on. I love how Johnny Cash’s “Busted” plays over the montage of Veronica getting the necklace back, Wallace being summoned by his professor and Weevil being released from jail.

26) ICONIC

#Veronica Mars #Kristen Bell #VM #Rob Thomas #President Evil #MTVSepicrewatch #VMrewatch2015 #recap #mine #vmrecap

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idreamtofmanderleyagain · 7 years

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Hellraiser as a Horror Fairy Tale

So for a while now I’ve been struggling to come to a clear, concise take on what I feel the classic Hellraiser’s are actually trying to be about. There’s a lot of themes here that are easy to emotionally grasp, but it’s been a bit of a struggle to try and build a coherent logical analysis on what all of these layers are conveying when properly understood all together (let alone figuring out how to verbalize what I was seeing). This is going to be a MASSIVE post, so buckle up for a long ride.

This has been especially frustrating because so many people have already asserted so much. There’s a lot of analysis out there that feels very unfocused and vague, or focuses far too much on very specific aspects that someone has isolated, like the unsettling theme of “pain and pleasure, indivisible.” The problem of course being that these aspects isolated like this are taken out of their full context, divorcing them of the very necessary emotional/psychological depth of the narrative, resulting in a rather simplistic, confused, or vague understanding of what kind of story we’re actually being told. This is problematic because it’s very clear that these films, the first two (and even three!) in particular, are deliberately using these horror elements as metaphor and analogy in a way very similar to traditional, dark and bloody fairy tales (see the outright fairy tale themes and references in H2). These are films that seem to function with a similar kind of gothic unreality that say, Angela Carter’s works do. And in any good fairy tale, a wolf is not a wolf.

Overall, I feel like the classic Hellraiser films are narratives discussing the nature of physical versus spiritual experience, the intersections thereof, and how this applies to the complexities of human suffering, trauma, abuse, etc. First, I should clarify what I mean by “spiritual.” I don’t mean “spiritual” in a faith/religious/superstitious sense, but as in humanity; in other words our personhood, the part of us that experiences emotion, empathy, craves human connection and emotional intimacy. So in turn, when I speak of “physical vs. spiritual,” I mean “physical” as the body divorced from it’s humanity. With me so far?

The first two films cover this this topic in different ways, with the second adding layers of spiritual complexity to the initial ideas laid out by the first film (and the third film, while extremely flawed, adds a few more intriguing elements that kind of bookend the themes for me), so there’s a lot of ground to cover. But hopefully, this will clarify my take on the themes of these films and how they suddenly became some of my favorite films of all time. I was actually quite surprised I enjoyed them so much, because I kind of expected something more akin to Nightmare On Elm St., or worst case scenario the subject matter would completely repulse and offend me, but instead I found something rather sophisticated and more fitting on the shelf where I put Cappola's Dracula, Labyrinth, Legend, In The Company Of Wolves, etc. It's much more like a gothic dark fantasy series than your general 80's horror franchise. I felt like I was watching a long-lost classic that nobody told me about, and nothing has really given me the same feeling I had back when I first watched all those nostalgic cult classics. Hellraiser 2 might even be ripping Labyrinth off a tiny bit, actually. If you're only familiar with Hellraiser because of the awful sequels (movies 3 to 9), you don't really know what the originals are like at all.

So without further ado, here’s my long-winded, [TOTALLY SPOILERIFIC, YOU WERE WARNED] analysis under the cut. ;P

[Warning for discussion of difficult subject matter from the films, including implications of past child abuse, attempted sexual assault, objectification of women (intentionally depicted, not as a failing of the films), allegorical kink-themed demons, etc. In the films It’s all imo presented rather tamely/tactfully outside of the over-the-top 80′s gore, but we’re talking a bit about all of this under the cut.]

I see the first Hellraiser film as dealing specifically with the evils of selfish, consumptive physical gratification, devoid of spiritual substance/humanity. Frank opens the door to Hell through a desire to reach new pleasures, because he’d exhausted all other avenues. He’s unsatisfied with what this world can give him, so he seeks out “the pleasures of heaven or hell,” he doesn’t care which. And I feel this speaks to what is at the heart of Frank, namely nothing at all. Frank is a being that exists purely for his own physical gratification. He is a textbook sociopath; essentially empty, devoid of emotional substance, and so he seeks to fill that void in him with physical pleasure. In that endless consumption Frank dehumanizes women; they become objects who’s humanity he disregards entirely. I’ve seen people try to call Frank a somewhat “sympathetic” villain (in the literary sense, not the ~redeemable~ woobie sense) even if he’s revolting, because apparently people can relate to his (and Julia’s) dissatisfaction with the banality of life, but Frank’s dissatisfaction comes from a place of spiritual emptiness. He is disconnected from his own humanity and the humanity of others, and so he wanders endlessly in search of the next base, physical high (so uh, personally, I find it hard to relate).

This is mirrored in Julia, who abandons the “emotional” roles of wife and step-mother in order to resurrect Frank, who gave her the physical gratification she holds above all else in her life, including her own morality and the lives of others. Julia is slightly more sympathetic because her dissatisfaction seems to stem from a sense of being pushed into traditional female roles that give her no fulfillment, so there are interesting elements of women’s oppression creating a human disconnect for Julia (particularly when it comes to the ways in which men dehumanize/use her). That said, I think it’s clear from Julia’s behavior across the board that her disconnect from her humanity is exacerbated by her obsession with the physical fulfillment she finds with Frank. There is an interesting line in the film from Frank, where he describes the relationship they have as being “like love, only real,” implying that he rejects the highly spiritual, emotional concept of “love,” as though he perceives what is purely physical as the only thing of real value. For Julia, I’d imagine that this has become a truth for her, because the traditional “loving” relationships of “wife” to Larry and “mother” to Kirsty brought her no fulfillment.

The men in general of the film seek this same selfish gratification - Julia seduces men home to feed to Frank, all of them seeking to consume her. You can see this underlying consumptive menace when the first man she drags home reveals his true colors, spitting angry words under his breath at her when she starts to seem hesitant. (it is interesting that she in turn is “consuming” them; they serve a material purpose to her that has nothing to do with their personhood. She’s feeding them to Frank, who literally consumes their life-force.) Larry also reveals a consumptive side when Julia tries to distract him with sexuality; she starts to shout “no!” (at Frank, who is looming menacingly in the shadows ready to strike at Larry), and it not only takes him way too many “no’s” to actually stop kissing her, he gets indignant at Julia’s “hot and cold” behavior, as if he was owed her body and denied. There’s little regard for her needs; he does not ask if something had hurt her, if she was okay, he only says with indignation that “he just doesn’t understand her,” rather than make any attempts at understanding.

H2′s Dr. Channard is another case of a consumptive soul, single-mindedly obsessed with his pursuits. However, unlike Frank, Channard’s obsessions are, for the most part, non-sexual. Channard has a sadistic, clinical fascination with the mind, endlessly consumed with a need for knowledge and discovery. But while Channard’s obsessions are focused in a mental space, it could be said that this too is a soullessly physical pursuit; he views the mind as an object to viciously plunder, and so human beings become objects for his purposes. So, like Frank, he is a character utterly incapable of empathy, humanity. The sexualized Male Gaze is unnecessary for dehumanization.

Despite all this objectification and abuse, despite the heavy underlying sexuality in these two films, they both seriously lack any Male Gaze whatsoever. In fact, all images of sexuality are pretty much entirely given to us from the perspective of women. There is a single exception of Male Gaze bullshit in H2, where there's a woman hanging topless for no justifiable reason in Julia's murder room, though you could actually blink at the right moment and miss it entirely (and we don't see a man or monster perpetrate violence against her, it's just Julia who promptly eats her). While Clive Barker directed the first film (and is a gay man), the second film was directed by Tony Randall (who is I believe a straight man), and it's things like that one little topless moment and the mild focus on Channard's enchantment with Julia that makes H2 lean slightly further away from H1's Male Gaze-less track record. That aside, Hellraiser 1 and 2 are rather unique for their time period in this way, because it's such a hard-hitting focus on women's experience of sexuality, or how women experience male sexuality in particular, which in Hellraiser is almost always predatory, un-self-aware, or in Steve and Kyle's romantic designs on Kirsty, a little bit too self-focused and limp. This is starkly contrasted with Hellraiser 3 and pretty much all Hellraiser films after it (particularly the constant callous objectification and violence perpetrated against women in Revelations, which surprise surprise, is the most recent film. Thank's modern cinema. Don't fucking remake Hellraiser you sociopaths). Hellraiser 3 was the first film to feature Pinhead committing violence agains a woman (that fact right there? that's fucking amazing for an 80's horror franchise. Especially one featuring these themes.), who in the moment is scantily clad and just had somewhat graphic sex with J.P., and the visceral and negative reaction I had to this dumb, cringey scene is very different than any of the reactions I had to the gore of the first two films. It's nothing too hard to handle (he rips her skin off with a hook in a bad effect and then the evil pillar eats her, so it's very gory but nothing shocking), but I mention it because the first two films really stand out as horror films that managed to deal with the abuse and objectification of women as a subject without actually objectifying them or showing us gratuitous, fetishistic shock-value surrounding that abuse, the way so many contemporary horror, thriller, and crime-procedural media does.

Beyond Frank and Julia, the other half of this story deals with Kirsty and the Cenobites. First of all, Kirsty is someone directly harmed by the consumptive, selfish gratification of both Frank and Julia - with Frank, there are fairly blatant implications of child abuse that may have occurred years prior (and if not, most certainly he intends on abusing her now). As for Julia, Kirsty likely wanted a mother figure after the death of her biological mother, and she was denied this emotional connection from Julia. Later, Julia becomes a direct agent facilitating Frank’s attempt at abusing Kirsty. Julia doesn’t seem to care who is harmed in the wake of Frank’s consumption, as long as she can still receive gratification.

Kirsty is the major character who breaks this mold of reckless obsession with the physical. All of Kirsty’s dilemmas are focused in a spiritual, human place. She lost her mother years prior and is still struggling with her grief. Her relationship with Julia is strained, so any hope of a mother-daughter connection after that loss has been entirely torn asunder for her. She loves her father dearly, but she’s just gained her independence and is dealing with worry over her father. Her father wants her to play mediator in his strained relationship with Julia, who she dislikes. She’s starting out a new relationship with Steve, possibly her first adult relationship ever. She’s dealing with either a secret abuse trauma and/or traumatized over Frank’s re-appearance and physical assault of her. Where Frank and Julia are obsessively absorbed in their need for physical gratification, Kirsty deals with many layers of spiritual/emotional realities, positive and negative.

The Cenobites, as we know them in the first film, are cosmic beings that exist in extreme, grotesque excess of sensory experience, far beyond any human comprehension of “pleasure.” All they truly understand is pain. Their function is to reap the souls who intentionally open Hell’s door and enact literal eternal torture; Hell consumes souls like meat to rend and tear (an interesting juxtaposition of flesh and spirit that I’ll discuss more when I get into H2). These creatures seem almost devoid of anything recognizably human in terms of emotionality (in the first film anyway), they are Borg-like. But again, a wolf is not a wolf. These beings, and Hell itself, are supernatural allegories for the human character’s dilemmas. In this film, they are the looming threat of eternal consumption devoid of humanity, given face. The oblivion on the other side of the threshold. You invoke their presence, they come at your call.

There’s more to say about how all this plays out in the first film, particularly when it comes to how Kirsty is the second person (after Frank) to summon the Cenobites and how she uses them against her abuser, but first I want to bring up aspects that are more prominent in the second film to pull this whole picture together (the films really are a “Part 1 and Part 2,” to me).

The second film (my favorite, if you couldn’t tell) focuses much more heavily on spiritual themes. It’s set almost entirely in either a mental hospital or Hell, respectively. So immediately, we’re given two pictures, one of a place of spiritual/emotional healing, and one of eternal spiritual and physical torment, the lines between the two blurring and distorting as we get further into the story. This is important because this film seems to focus much more on the experience of psychological/emotional trauma.

“The mind is a labyrinth,” Channard says, as he artfully performs a grotesque procedure on the brain of a patient. And so too is this reflected in H2′s depiction of Hell as an endless cthonic Labyrinth, where lost souls experience hallucinatory reflections of their traumas and vices, subjected to psychological and physical punishments eternally under the watchful eye of Leviathan, the “god of flesh, hunger, and desire.”

Leviathan as an entity is a rather interesting and ambiguous being. Certainly, it is a “god” of baseness and physicality, but it’s realm is made of psychological torment, perhaps more so than it is a place of physical torture. Whether you are a “good” or “bad” person is utterly irrelevant; if you are in Hell, your soul gets reflected back to you, often with a heavy focus on traumas of your past. For Kirsty this manifests in her childhood home and images of her mother, which begin bleed and transform into an image of Julia - and perhaps it manifests in Frank’s presence. Although according to Frank, Kirsty has stumbled across “his” little corner of hell which manifests “his” punishments, the first time I watched the film (before he explained where they were) I initially was convinced that behind this second door was another reflection of Kirsty, that it was another trial for her to face. It looked to be the exact same door as her own, and well, the writhing ghostly women under sheets seemed to be an image of sexual repression or fear of sexuality (the brief glimpse of the woman who Kirsty pulls the sheet off of has her hair, as well). Is this piece of hell reflecting Frank’s punishments, or Kirsty’s fears, trauma, possible repression, etc? Or is it reflecting both simultaneously? It’s still rather ambiguous to me, actually. But I digress.

The point is that there is this heavier focus on trauma in H2, where H1 was much more tightly focused on the folly of reckless, single-minded physicality without human connection. This focus on trauma adds a whole new layer of dimension to the narrative because “pain” itself is something much more complex, here. Here, it is revealed that the Cenobites were once humans, and that humanization of these creatures that were once presented to us as allegory and pure cosmic evil is very interesting. Rather than present the Cenobites as the ultimate culmination of personalities like Frank when consumed by Hell, it’s presented as if these Cenobites were perhaps relatively innocent people. Why then, do some people become Cenobites, while others stay as tormented souls? To me, the answer is still unclear. I'm not sure there actually is an answer, beyond the whims of Leviathan. (Channard is the obviously monstrous person who was changed, but he seemed to me to have been chosen as a tool in the moment and then discarded. ) That said, “suffering” itself is more than just the experience of physical pain; the psychological nature of hell implies that this is also internal suffering, and the Cenobites aren’t just entities there to enact physical torture. They are beings that exist in this eternal, perpetual suffering of all kinds, who speak of that experience as something sublime.

The Cenobites spend the majority of their time in both films popping up periodically to speak to Kirsty, from ominous threats of eternal torture, to invitation of joining them, to mocking her with insinuations that some part of her wants their world. For Kirsty, they are demons that reflect back to her all those fears and repressions, all her internal confusion and torment, which is what they spend most of their time doing in the first two films. In Hellraiser 3, there's more of this element of Cenobites as psychological reflections: Pinhead acts as a tempter, using the psyches of the humans he encounters to ensnare souls, which is why with J.P. he's literally consuming women, and for Terri, he switches gears to be the voice of female vengeance.

Earlier in the film, we are given multiple references to fairy tales, usually as used by older adults to mock and belittle Kirsty. The detective mocks her for making up fairy tales about “demons,” and Julia mocks her by comparing Kirsty to Snow White and herself to the Wicked Stepmother/Evil Queen. These side characters demoralize Kirsty in her idealistic efforts to rescue her father from Hell and fight back against forces much larger than herself that a more cynical person could scarcely imagine overcoming. Later, quite similarly to the west wing sequence in Beauty and the Beast (I think coincidentally so, Disney’s BATB came out a few years afterwards), Kirsty explores a dangerous place (Channard’s home) and finds an old, faded picture of a man who she recognizes as the monster she has previously encountered. Ultimately, Kirsty saves herself and another girl through an act almost unbelievably idealistic and naive, especially for such a dark story. She finds a way to transform a monster back into a human being. This was a victory won not with physical violence, but through humanity; a fairy-tale-esque triumph that flew in the face of those who tried to demoralize or deny Kirsty’s reality. Furthermore, this victory is not about the tragedy of Pinhead, but the triumph of humanity and empathy overcoming darkness.

There are a few expressions of human connection and empathy in these two films, like the care between Kirsty and her father, or the attraction between Kirsty and Steve, Kyle’s attraction and care for Kirsty, or Tiffany holding Kirsty as she cries over her father, But for me there was never quite a moment as striking and emotionally raw than when Kirsty and Spencer are looking at each other across the darkness once his human face is revealed. It feels like very artful, deliberate visual contrast to the circumstances and surroundings. But I digress.

So to clarify this picture: Kirsty is faced with monsters personifying everything that represented her trauma and fears, etc. They represented all-consuming physicality without humanity, they represented the things in herself she may have tried to suppress (sexuality, trauma, etc.). Monsters that wanted her to be as consumed by their world as they were. She then utilizes her demons to destroy her abuser, and later recognizes the humanity in her demons and transforms them, frees them from their spiritual and physical eternal torment, and in turn is saved from the same fate, herself.

The third film (which I enjoy despite the fact that it is admittedly a raging trash fire) features a cast of characters all dealing with similar situations. J.P. is our endlessly consumptive user, and Joey and Terri are two women dealing with spiritual trauma. Joey through the loss of her father, and Terri through a broken home life and later abuse at the hands of J.P. The reason why I include the third film in this is because of those additional elements and the insight it gives into Pinhead’s human self, Captain Spencer, and how he perfectly bookends the narrative. Spencer is another person who once opened the box, but it was never clear why he did so in the second film. In the third film, he explains that he was trying to escape spiritual suffering (war trauma/PTSD) through physical means ("forbidden pleasures,” aka kink). At some point he came across the box and opened it. While there are plenty of monstrous men in all three Hellraiser films, and Pinhead himself is a literal monster bent on taking any soul who opens the box with some form of desire in their hearts, my take away from H3 was not that Spencer himself was ever an abuser like Frank or J.P. (and indeed his behavior when lucidly himself in H2 and 3 is decidedly in immediate defense of women he cares about, up to and including two counts of total self-sacrifice), but that Spencer was perhaps pushing his explorations into unsafe realms of self-harming. He was punishing himself, and was thus made into a cosmic punisher of others by Leviathan. So, unlike Frank or Channard or J.P., people who are susceptible to the box/Hell’s temptations because of their need to endlessly consume, Spencer was susceptible because he was so effected by spiritual suffering that he turned towards unhealthy physical means of escape. In my mind, there is something in this idea of self-punishment/self-blame that is also potentially true of, say, Kirsty. How else would she be genuinely susceptible to the box (beyond basic desire having opened it initially), if not that she was teetering on a similar edge, herself? (However, I think perhaps her darkness also veers into a streak of sadistic vengefulness.)

This actually makes the extended cut of the H6 Pinhead/Kirsty reuinion scene a lot more tragic and distressing for me, because underneath all the bullshit, there’s this subtext of Kirsty still running from her Hell and yet still encountering consumptive, abusive men and being pushed off the deep end into untempered vengefulness and violence. And Spencer, who once was freed by her and in turn sacrificed himself to free her from Hell, trapped once more in his monsterous form and obsessing instead over dragging Kirsty down with him to be as endlessly consumed by her pain as he is within his own. No thanks on that grimdark noise, H6. ...but fucking wow, tho. If you've seen Hellseeker but have never seen the extended cut of this scene, I'm linking it Right Here. Warning for...just...ugh. Badly written infuriating creepy grimdark bullshit that genuinely sounds like a bad fanfiction writer wrote it. But at least you have that one moment right at the end where you can hear Spencer's voice come through to help her get free.

In conclusion, I think Hellraiser is a story about, well, Hell. But Hell not as nebulous place where the really bad people go, but Hell as an allegory for eternal spiritual suffering, that absolutely anyone can reach and be effected by once a gateway is opened for them. Particularly so when it comes to reckless physical indulgence, or consumption, or unsafe vice overtaking one’s humanity to others, or towards one’s self. So ultimately, the “moral of the story,” if you’d like to call it that, is that in order to protect one’s self from being consumed by spiritual suffering, one must cherish and cultivate their own humanity, and in the case of people who have been traumatized and/or victimized, one must fight back against the consuming force of that spiritual suffering through confronting the hell that exists within. Sometimes that doesn’t mean blasting the darkness away and ignoring it’s existence, it means reminding the darkness that it is only human.

[Regarding the content of the films, feel free to message me if you decide to watch them but you feel you need a total break-down of what to prepare for.]

#Hellraiser #This is my meta post for this weekend #some of you are not as keen on DW or are on it less often I know #so here you go my dudes #if you see me around too often call me out on it #Horror #Meta

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jesseaspoems · 4 years

Text

And So It Goes

And So it Goes

From December 2018

And so it goes

It goes without saying

Without saying it to anyone

To anyone but myself

But myself and I

And I should stay silent

Stay silent and alone

And alone in my house

My house that I called home;

Called home to tell them

Tell them I'd be late

Be late for dinner

For dinner with those people

Those people I used to know;

To know something they don’t

They don't need to know it all

It all works out in the end;

The end of the day

The day I anticipated

I anticipated a normal day

Normal day without worries;

Without worries, without doubts

Without doubts about myself;

About myself I know much less

Much less than I used to,

Used to know exactly who I was

I was many things

Many things that all made sense

Made sense to me at another time

Another time, a simpler one

Simpler one of less consequence;

Less consequence and maybe less distinction;

Less distinction but more satisfaction;

More satisfaction with myself

With myself as I am

I am different from everybody else

Everybody else has a life

A life so similar

So similar to mine and yet

And yet so very different

Very different experiences

Different experiences positive and negative

And negative things of little consequence

Little consequence to you

To you and me and someone else who wasn't there;

Wasn't there to see you change

You change a little every day

Every day may seem the same

The same work, the same classroom

Same classroom with the same teacher

Same teacher and same lack of interest

Of interest to no one it seems

It seems no one cares to you

To you it seems they're too engrossed

Too engrossed in Minecraft and

Minecraft and playing telephone

Playing telephone and starting rumors

Starting rumors about you

About you and me and the people down the street;

The street you walk down every day;

Every day is a new day to change

To change your outlook

Your outlook on life

On life and all its flaws

Its flaws and good qualities;

Good qualities exist in everyone

In everyone, there is good and evil;

And evil will always exist

Always exist in the shadows

The shadows many see

Many see but fail to notice;

To notice the student sitting all alone

All alone with no friends

No friends and no hope

No hope of ever being popular;

Being popular seems nice

Seems nice but is it really

It really depends on many things

Many things you can control and some you can't

You can't be something you're not

You’re not gonna please everyone you meet;

You meet people of all shapes

All shapes and sizes and colors

And colors are just a part of

Part of a facade

A facade that is purely superficial;

Purely superficial somewhat artificial

Somewhat artificial world built on appearances;

On appearances there's too much pressure

Much pressure for what purpose;

What purpose does it serve to put yourself

Put yourself down over trivial things

Trivial things, frivolous things

Frivolous things that should be of no consequence

No consequence to us but they

But they are treated as though

As though they'll affect life

Affect life as we know it;

Know it all because it'll be on the test

The test that is purely artificial

Purely artificial, existing for a stranger's benefit

Stranger's benefit and not your own

Your own story is so different

So different from the rest and yet

And yet they're all the same

The same recipe card was used

Was used in making all of them and so

And so they'd all be replicas

Be replicas if the recipe

The recipe had been followed perfectly

Followed perfectly by the chef

The chef staring with contempt

With contempt at us because we are

We are the imperfect products of him

Of him following the recipe card’s instructions perfectly;

Instructions perfectly manicured, laid out

Laid out like a to-do list

To-do list with pictures and bullet points

Bullet points and succinct wording

Succinct wording anyone could comprehend

Could comprehend it in their sleep;

Their sleep that is often interrupted

Often interrupted by planes

By planes flying overhead to various destinations

Various destinations near and far;

And far removed from the strict routine is that

Is that old guy in the corner

The corner where the walls don't meet

Don't meet like they should

They should leave him alone in

Alone in his own thoughts of

Thoughts of gains and losses

And losses to be;

To be determined to be announced

Be announced at a later date

Later date could be tomorrow or

Tommorrow or twenty years from now

From now on don't hold your breath

Your breath is more important

More important than a letter

A letter with a fancy border

Fancy border someone took the time

The time and effort to draw and yet

And yet she was in a rush that day;

That day when the world went on

Went on strike and life seemed

Life seemed to stop completely;

Stop completely immersing yourself

Immersing yourself in impractical pursuits

Impractical pursuits like a

Like a life without flaws

Without flaws, with no worries

No worries, no regrets

No regrets, no doubts

No doubts about yourself

About yourself even though

Even though you know less

Know less about yourself today than

Today than you did yesterday but you

But you need to keep in mind that

Mind that flaws are part of life

Of life in a flawed world

Flawed world where not everybody

Not everybody is on board

On board with your idea

Your idea and my idea

My idea or anyone else's idea on anything

On anything, good or bad or in between;

In between the lines

The lines drawn in magic marker

Magic marker you can almost see

Almost see with your eyes closed;

Eyes closed by material greed

Material greed for temporary things

Temporary things that can't replace

Can't replace happiness and

Happiness and a sense of belonging

Of belonging to something

To something greater than yourself

Than yourself and myself and any individual;

Any individual isolated will suffer

Will suffer mentally, come undone;

Come undone, fall apart, fall to pieces

To pieces, fragments, fragments of pieces and so on

So on and so forth, et cetera…

Et cetera, and yet there is

There is more to it than it seems

It seems simpler than it is

It is always more complicated

More complicated than you think

You think you know it all but you've

But you've only read one abstract

One abstract of one paper

One paper on a subject

A subject words can only scratch the surface of and that

And that subject is life. Life is

Life is a complicated thing

Complicated thing we all have to learn

To learn from only one teacher and her

And her name is Experience, I'll say

I'll say she's strict but she is

She is informative and there is

There is nobody else who teaches it

Teaches it to you and me and the person behind you, everyone alive

Everyone alive and those who came before us;

Before us it was the same idea

Same idea, just change the names

The names, the places, and the faces;

The faces you recognize

You recognize them but their names

Their names you've forgotten;

You've forgotten your lunchbox or maybe

Or maybe you took a wrong turn

Wrong turn on the straight and narrow and ended

And ended up on a roundabout;

A roundabout answer to a question

A question needing only yes and no

And no one remembers the original question because you

Because you have spent 15 hours

15 hours rambling incoherently

Rambling incoherently about third grade

Third grade when you thought you knew

You knew who you were

You were certain of it all;

It all works out in the end

The end of the day

The day you anticipated

You anticipated a normal day

Normal day when you and I could be

Could be on time for dinner

For dinner with those people

Those people I used to know;

To know the future and what it will bring

Will bring joy to a few

A few who will take it for granted and then

All works of art we are

And then grieve when they can't;

They can't make you paint yourself

Paint yourself into a corner

A corner where the walls

The walls don't meet like they should;

They should have made a handbook

A handbook for how it all works;

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