#but nothing worked my brain was trying so hard it is so frustrating forgetting everything i be trying hard to remember me little brainy

[starreo]

thank god for you,

isagi.

cw: fear of failing, throwing up, anxiety

if it wasn't for you, i'd still be crying on my bed, wrinkling the sheets of my physics test paper. if it wasn't for you, i'd still be hurling at the sight of anything less than an A. if it wasn't for you, i'd still be sad, upset and frustrated. which is why, i thank god for you.

when the teacher calls out my name, telling me i've got a 70 in her subject, and i can smile genuinely while accepting the paper, i think of you.

i still remember that moment like it was yesterday.

it was six-thirty in the morning, i was scrambling through the papers, struggling to find the page with all the code words...if i couldn't find them...it'd be all over. there would be nothing left...i would fuck up the most important test of my life.

my overworked brain was starting to forget everything. all the important questions, the notes i'd made, the keywords...it was all gone!

i only realized how badly i was crying when suddenly i was struggling to breathe with teardrops falling down to the floor. my hands, still too busy opening the books, flipping the pages to at least find the sheet with the codewords. i can't mess this up, i'd promised my parents i'd do well...what about the teachers? what will they think of me...the other kids...they'd totally make fun of me...

no no no, this is all wrong! i've worked so hard...i've been so good...how could i mess up this bad...

i sat down in my seat, looking across the examination hall, everybody looked prepared...everybody except me...i was gonna fail...i was gonna be a failure...i was gonna disappoint everyone. and there it was again. the fear forming in my mind, made my stomach twist. feeling the sudden flush of saliva in my mouth, i jumped up from my seat, and ran out of the hall. desperately trying to look for a washroom, i ran in immediately when i saw the toilet sign. paying no mind to the blue walls, i rushed into an open stall, on my knees as i threw up. my hair, thankfully tied into a ponytail as my hands gripped the edge of my hoodie.

disgusting disgusting disgusting.

having emptied out everything, i finally pushed myself back. taking a second to breathe. "u-uh...are you alright...?" a boyish voice said...your voice. shocked when i realised i was in the boys' washroom, i immediately wiped my face and flushed the toilet, turning around to see you. you, standing there with a worried look on your face, a napkin already held out towards me, as you tried to say something.

i looked like such a mess. i smelled worse. and yet, you were so kind. giving me a gentle smile as you raised the napkin to my lips, cleaning the side of my mouth. "are you nervous about the exam too?" you whispered carefully, your genuinely soft eyes questioning mine.

i didn't say anything. i was too ashamed to. i didn't wanna admit it. but you still went on.

"it's okay if you are...we all have our good days and bad days. there have been times when i've been the king of the court and there have been times i wasn't able to even reach the ball on time. you don't always have to be perfect, y/n. you have to be human." you said, giving me a smile. a smile i would remember for the rest of my life. just like the words you said to me.

when the teacher calls out my name, telling me i've got a 70 in her subject, and i can smile genuinely while accepting the paper, i think of you. and i think of how i'm not perfect, because i am a human.

© starreo 2024. do not copy, translate or repost .

#bllk #blue lock #blue lock x reader #bllk x reader #blue lock smut #blue lock isagi #bllk headcanons #bllk smut #bllk angst #isagi headcanons #blue lock angst #isagi smut #bllk x you #isagi x you #isagi x reader #gojo smut #bllk isagi #bllk x y/n #isagi yoichi #isagi angst #isagi fluff #isagi x y/n #starreo #mdni #aria's tgfu <3

[ssentimentals]

like a sunflower {choi hansol}

pairing: hansol x fem!reader

prompt: 'your heart is beating so fast right now' (this work is part of my 1k event, go check out other works of mine here )

warnings: none, this is pure fluff!

hansol doesn't know how to do it. how to just- say it. words are usually so easy for him, they spring themselves into sentences and lyrics so effortlessly, so he doesn't really know why he's having such a hard time here. it's just- how can he say it? how can he tell you that sometimes he feels like he was born for you without making it weird? how he can explain that he thinks a lot about how so many people spend so much time trying to find their place in this world and yet he has no intention searching for it cause his is right next to you? words don't feel quite right whenever he tries to open his mouth and talk about it; words don't do justice to everything what's bubbling and brewing inside his heart, they fall flat when he tries to put it all on the paper. with a frustrated groan, he tears off yet another unfinished love letter, throwing it down.

'you're overthinking it,' joshua admonishes him gently. he's been quietly observing his roommate for the past twenty minutes and starts getting a little anxious at the sight of torn notebook pages at his feet. 'you two are so close, i think she'll understand what you mean even if you won't write an ode to her.'

'i want it to be perfect,' hansol replies, stubbornly tearing up another page. 'she deserves nothing but.'

'don't get so worked up,' joshua pacifies, standing up and coming over to his friend, patting his back comfortingly. 'i don't think she wants perfect, though.'

at this hansol looks up at him, frowning. joshua chuckles, putting his finger right between hansol's eyebrows, making him go a little cross eyed. joshua doesn't know how hansol can be this blind, how he can't see how you two are so close that whoever sees you for the first time always ends up thinking that you're a couple. he's never seen any other two people who care about each other so deeply as you two do, so hansol being nervous before asking you out is laughable. only hansol doesn't find it funny. joshua sighs, patting his roommate's shoulder. 'she doesn't want perfect, she just wants you.'

hansol blinks, mulling over what he heard. it sounds a bit too good to be true, but joshua is not cruel, he'd never joke with him about something so important. before he can properly give this idea a good thought, his phone beeps and from the ringtone alone he knows it's from you. hansol instantly jumps on his bed, ignoring joshua's loud snort at this and unlocks his phone, smiling at the text message from you.

'judging from your smile, i take it she invited you to come over,' joshua speaks, watching with amusement as his friend hastily starts to get dressed. 'what for?'

'i'll help with her halloween prep,' hansol mutters, pulling on his favorite sweater, the one that you gifted him for christmas. he wears it with utmost care, loving the most how you light up at the sight of this sweater on him every single time. 'and she'll help me with my statistics exam.'

'don't forget the umbrella,' joshua's voice reaches him when he's almost out of the door. 'it's gonna rain soon!'

hansol ignores it in favor of rushing to you, zipping up his backpack on the way. the road to your place is his favorite one, he knows every single crook down the alley, every single tree is familiar to him - he spent so many hours memorizing it all, because this road leads him to you and his mind shuffles everything which is even remotely close to you to the folder in his brain called 'important'. he huffs in annoyance when it first rain drops fall on his head and then groans loudly, when two rain drops turn into a full on downpour, making him look around in search of the hideout. without thinking he runs to the nearest shop, announcing his presence with a grunt, blinking up at variety of flowers in front of him in stupor.

'hello, how can i help you?'

he passed this flower shop so many times but never really went it, so young man in dark brown apron,who stares at him too kind eyes, is entirely unfamiliar. hansol clears his throat, helplessly staring back, gesturing towards the exit and mumbling something about the rain.

'oh!' understanding lights up in stranger's eyes and he smiles, nodding. 'seeking shelter from rain? it's fine, you can sit here.'

it's very kind and it makes hansol shuffle from side to side with unease as his eyes take in beauiful array of flowers. there are all kind of them, colors vary from dark to bright ones and sunflowers stick out amongst everything in their yellow-orange glory; hansol takes a step towards them. his eyes gravitated towards them just like they do with you and this thought makes him smile. 'sunflowers are not very popular,' the stranger chimes in, watching hansol with a smile on his face. 'which is a shame, really. they are very beautiful.'

'what do they mean?' hansol asks quietly, not looking away from the flowers. their color is so warm - it reminds him of you. something sparks up at the back of his mind, something that demands his attention as he stares at these flowers.

'hm, adoration in most cases, longevity in others. they are known for being 'happy' flowers, you know? like i'd give them to someone who make me happy, to person who i want to stay in my life for a long, long time.'

hansol blinks and moves on instinct, grabbing bunch of sunflowers due to his inner voice basically screaming at him to do it. 'i'll take those.'

'oh, okay. i can wrap them up in-'

'no-no, i'll take them like that, how much is it?' hansol interrupts, suddenly needing to get out of here and run to you like right now. his heart starts beating faster as ideas form in his head, joshua's voice loud and clear in his head with 'she doesn't want perfect, she just wants you'.

he hastily pays, ignores surprised looks from the guy and runs to you with sunflowers in his hand, getting wet in seconds under the pouring rain. it's cold and his clothes stick to him in the most uncomfortable ways, but his heart is marching so loud in his head, he can't think of anything else but... you. and how you will love these sunflowers. how he's an idiot for trying to capture perfect words in lyrics because perfection in this world exists only in you and nothing else. how he really can shake off any pretense and come to you with an open heart, soaked clothes and unwrapped sunflowers and that you will take him in, because that's what you always did, have done from the start. it's you-you-you and by the time he stands in front of your door, knocking urgently, hansol thinks he might have gone a bit delirious.

'who- oh my god,' you gasp, stopping on tracks at the sight of him. 'hansol, what even-' you blink, gazing in confusion at the flowers in his hand and then back at his wet clothes. there's thousand questions in your head, he can tell, but instead of voicing them out loud, you say: 'get in, god, are you okay?'

is he okay? this questions makes him want to laugh and he barely holds it in. is he okay? he doesn't know but despite the shivers running up and down his body from the cold, he feels like he's on fire. you say something about him being dumb for forgetting umbrella and every second which passes by and he doesn't confess to you feels like a second wasted.

'-you'll catch a cold if you keep on standing in these wet clothes!' you huff, pushing towel in his hands. 'and... um, these flowers..' you trail off, unsure. something ugle tugs in your chest at the thought of these flowers not belonging to you, but you stomp at these feelings. 'do you want me to put them-'

'these are for you,' he rushes out, tripping on his words. 'i mean- obviously. obviously these are for you.' hansol looks down and grimaces: 'i'm soaking your carpet, sorry.' he then quickly looks up, handing you the flowers: 'sorry, here. i hope you like them.'

'sunflowers,' you voice, carefully cradling them in your hands. 'they are beautiful.'

like you is on the tip of his tongue and hansol holds it back but then thinks better of it; why the hell he'd hold back? 'like you,' he says, smiling at surprised look on your face. 'and they make me feel warm just by looking at them and you do, too. i look at you and i- it makes me warm all over.'

you blink at him, not exactly sure what to do with this information. hansol, with this crazy look in his eyes, looks like he's on the brink of fever and you frown, stepping closer to him and feeling up his forehead for any signs of high temperature. 'you're not warm,' you state, buffled.

second passes and hansol huffs in disbelief. he takes your hand in his and moves it towards his chest, knowing very well what you'll find there. just like he predicted, your eyes widen: 'your heart is beating so fast right now.'

'i assume it would, considering how i'm about to confess.'

a stupor and then, cautious and hopeful: 'confess?'

'and ask you out as well,' hansol nods. he's mindful of not pulling you very close, not wanting to get your clothes wet too; but he still tugs at your sleeves so you'd step more in his personal space. this is where he wants you all the time. 'i tore up two notebooks, trying to write you a perfect song, or poem, or love letter. but it's hard cause i can't really find the right words for this feeling, you know? you feel it, don't you know? you know what i'm talking about, right?'

your eyes glow with a keen understanding but you still press on: 'what feeling?'

hansol sighs and when your fingers squeeze at his sweater unconsciously, in tredipation for what's to come, he knows he just needs to be honest: 'like i was made for you. like everything could change, but there's one constant thing in this world and it's us. what you and i have.' he pushes your hand tighter to his chest, searching for your eyes desperately: 'don't you feel it too?'

a fire can break down for all he cares, but he'd never look away from your eyes. you open up to him like a sunflower opens up to the sun, it's a beautiful thing. all you can do is nod, because hansol has always been better with words between you two and because you're afraid your voice might crack in the end from all of the emotions.

'i ran all the way here like a dying man cause one more second without you knowing how i feel just didn't make any sense.'

you shut your eyes, trying not to start crying. hansol, who you always seen as your soulmate, who has always been your side to the point that it's hard to imagine life without him; this hansol is the very same hansol, who tried to write you a perfect song, who ran under the rain here with sunflowers to tell you that he thinks he was made for you. you open your eyes, taking a deep breath. glancing at him and then at the flowers, you smile shakily: 'this is perfect.'

'it is?' he lights up like a little child. 'really?'

'i mean, i never really cared or wanted the perfect, i just wanted you.'

hansol sucks in breath, feeling like he was punched in the gut. god, he really needs to listen to joshua more. he opens his mouth and then tremor wracks his whole body, making him cringe: 'i..really need to change out from these wet clothes.'

sound of your laugh is the music to his ears. he watches the way your head falls back at your laugh and feels love pour out from his pores, unrestricted anymore. he may be shivering of cold now, but just by looking at you he feels warmer. just like a sunflower.

a/n: i think this ended up being way too long and maybe a bit too mushy but!! no blaming me, i had a rough time and i cope by writing something like this. to the anon who requested it - hope you like it! - nini

tagging @prpldahy

#seventeen imagine #seventeen fluff #hansol imagine #hansol fanfic #seventeen hansol #seventeen vernon #vernon chwe #vernon fanfic #vernon #seventeen fanfic #hansol scenario #hansol x reader #seventeen reaction #svt vernon #svt x reader #svt fluff #svt hansol #i am in LOVE with him and this hansol is the only hansol i will accept in fanfics

[thecuriousquest]

For Love

Yandere Kirishima x Reader

Tag List: @issamomma

Warnings: Yandere themes, NSFW (abuse), blood, murder, control, possessiveness, choking

Summary: How will you react when Kirishima comes home covered in blood?

Checkout my Master List here.

—————————————————————

Waking up, you don’t see Eiji anywhere. Shrugging, you think he must be off doing something heroic. You sometimes wish he would wake you up with a tiny kiss and let you know where he’s heading off to, but he’s forgetful sometimes. If you absolutely want to know where he is, you can always just text him.

Making breakfast, you decide to put on some music while you cook your favorite meal for the beginning of the day.

The front door opens and shuts. The music is low enough so you can hear it. Excited, you turn the music down all the way. You turn and look at your boyfriend.

“Hey, I’m making breakfast. Oh…oh my God, Eiji! Your shirt! You’re covered in blood!” You run to get paper towels, your brain processing seeing his blue t-shirt stained with dark red. You start dabbing his shirt frantically, lifting the fabric by the hem to see if he has any injuries.

“The blood? Oh, don’t worry, honey bear, it’s not mine.” He gives you a smile, trying to assure you that everything is okay.

“What? Eiji, who’s blood is it, then? Did you have to fight a villain or something?”

“No, it’s nothing like that. Look, don’t worry about it. Breakfast actually sounds nice. Can you make me something too?”

“Eijiro, tell me what happened!” You’re becoming panicked with him not relaying any information to you.

He puts his hands on your shoulders, trying to calm you down. It doesn’t help the emotional rollercoaster that you’re on. He can feel how badly you’re shaking underneath his heavy palms that are trying to steady you.

“Listen, I just got a little tied up with something. Everything’s fine now.”

You try to push him away, but it’s like trying to move a boulder. “Tell me what’s going on. Please? Why are you covered in blood if you didn’t have hero work today?!”

“Okay, okay, I ran into your ex. It…it’s no big deal really. He stopped me on the street. Started yelling about how I stole you from him. He was really bitter about the whole thing. He told me he was going to get you back even if he had to kill me.”

“Oh my God…Eiji, what did you do?” Although, a part of you already knows what he did.

“I did what I had to. I can’t let anyone else have my girl. Let’s just leave it at that. Now, what were you making for breakfast- Hey! Where are you going?!”

You turn tail and run, needing to get out of the house, needing to get away from him. This is the biggest red flag if you’ve ever seen one. You run to unlock the front door. It takes too long. Arms wrap around your waist, pulling you into him. He walks over to the couch with you kicking and screaming in his vice-like grip. Kirishima plops you down on the sofa, pinning you down underneath his weight. He’s careful not to suffocate you, but you’re not thinking about being grateful right now.

“You’re not leaving. You can’t leave me. I did what I had to. He said he would kill me to get to you. I couldn’t let that happen!” He tries so hard to justify his actions.

“You’re a fucking pro hero with a hardening quirk! What the fuck could he do against you?!”

“It’s the principle of the matter.” His eyes are hard, scarlet boring into yours.

“Principles? You really want to talk principles right now? My ex was a coward! He wouldn’t have fucking done anything. How about the principle of not killing people just because they make empty threats?”

“You weren’t there!” He shakes your shoulders. “I don’t care if he meant it or not. He said something he shouldn’t have, and he paid for it.”

You both argue back and forth for a while until Eijiro becomes so frustrated with you that he latches onto your throat. With your oxygen shut off from your lungs, you fight to pry his hand off of you. There are spots of darkness in your vision, and tears spring forth to your eyes. You go limp underneath his tight grip, and just when you think the world is going to end for you, Eijiro unhands you. He grabs your chin, forcing you to face him.

“I did this for you, for us. You’re not leaving. You’ll never leave me. Try to run away again. I’ll find you. I’ll always find you. You will NEVER be able to get away from me.” He leans down and gives you a soft kiss on your tear stained lips. “I love you, Y/N.”

Sniffling, you nod in understanding. He lets you up and takes you back to the kitchen. You resume cooking under his watchful eye. For right now, you focus on making breakfast, trying to ignore the tears spilling over your lashes. You don’t realize that this is just the beginning of his spiral.

#my hero acedamia #boku no hero academia #triggering content #triggering themes #yandere #eijiro kirishima #mha eijiro kirishima #bnha kirishima #yandere kirishima #yandere eijiro kirishima #yandere x you #yandere x reader #yandere x y/n #yandere x darling

[hotshot624]

Daddy! Eddie x little! Reader and he helps her go into little space

Okay I'ma be completely honest with you, I've never written a fic on Tumblr and the time I did write a fic like on Wattpad, I was like in 6th grade. However I'ma try to write something just for you! (Also if it sucks just tell me. I'll @ some pretty good accounts that would make a completely better fic then whatever I'm gonna make)

Daddy!Eddie x little!reader: helping reader into little space

You've been having a very difficult week. Highschool had been particularly difficult with finals coming up and with you being in honors, it just seemed to make things worse. You've been running on almost two whole days with absolutely no sleep what so ever and it was finally catching up to you. You wanted nothing more than to just slip into little space and forget about everything troubling you. But you knew you couldn't. You had studying to do and by god you were going to do it even if it was the last thing you did. Plus your parents weren't home and their was no one to tell you to take scheduled breaks. Or so you thought.

It was ten fifteen at night where you were sitting in your bedroom surrounded by books, studying flash cards, different empty cups of which used to be filled with coffee, and other things that you weren't even sure of anymore. Your room was an absolute mess and that wasn't helping the mental state you were in at all. It felt like the mess was cluttering your brain and it was making it difficult for you to think properly, making you more stressed then you needed to be. Tears of frustration started to form in your eyes as you had to reread the same paragraph over again because the last few times you read it weren't sticking. Just as you were about to scream in anger you heard loud repeating banging at your front door. And there was only one person in the world who would pound at the door at this time of night.

You got up from your spot on the floor and ran as fast as you could towards the front door, almost tripping three times, before you threw open the door to be greeted by your favorite metal head.

"Hey Y/N! How's my favorite rockstar doin-" Eddie tried to say, only to be crushed in a giant hug from you.

"Wow! You trying to kill me? Not that dying from a hug from you sounds so bad but is there any reason in particular you tried to run me over?" He jokingly asked, having wrapped an arm around your waist and was looking down at you.

You just shook your head, burying your face in his chest. You knew that if he saw how exhausted and how close you were to crying, he'd try to get you to take a break and be little and you didn't have time for that. Not with all that studying you had to do.

'Speaking of studying', you thought to yourself, 'I should probably get back to that'. You wanted so desperately to be curled up in his arms watching cartoons with a paciy in your mouth as he rocked you, but you just couldn't do that. Well that's what you thought anyway.

"Hey babe, are you okay?" He asked, now getting concerned with your lack of verbal response.

Blast! He's on to you. Just play it cool and maybe he won't notice how stress you are.

"Yeah I'm fine! Anyway I can't hang out with you right now. I have a bunch of studying I need to get back to and the finals are coming really soon so I have get back to my work, sorry" you tried to rush out not making eye contact with him as you turned to go back to your room.

"Finals? What fina- Wait do you mean the finals that are like three weeks from now? Those finals?" He asked slightly bewildered, following you to your room only to stop dead in his tracks upon seeing the state of your room.

"Jesus H. Christ" he whispered to himself (even though his room has looked far worse let's be honest)

"Yes Eddie, those finals. I need to make sure I'm prepared and ready for them because I know there gonna be hard and it's- I- just...It's gonna be hard okay! I need to do this so just leave! Please!" You snapped at him.

Why couldn't he see how important this was for you? You didn't have time to mess around! Right?

"Babe, the only thing your preparing yourself for is a mental break down. Your putting too much stress on yourself for something I KNOW your gonna do great on, by the way. You need a break so your can rest and not stress yourself into a panic attack." He concluded looking around trying to find some of your little stuff you had. "And I know just the way to do it".

As he was looking for your little stuff you tried to stop him.

"Eddie no. I can't. Not right now. Please just.....just leave." You didn't really mean that but you knew that if he stayed here you'd slip and wouldn't be able to continue your work.

Unfortunately for you, Eddie knew you didn't mean it too. When he finally found what he was looking for he turned around really quick and held it up to your face.

It was a little black bat stuffed animal he had gotten you when you first told him about your age regression. He got it to show you that he excepted this side of you with open arms and that he loved you no matter what. It had quickly became your comfort object and you used it everytime you were in little space.

"Well hi there Y/N! It's your favorite friend Midnight! I came to give you some good night snuggles!" Midnight - I mean Eddie said, using his funny little voice you loved so much especially when you were feeling small.

He was trying to get you to slip and it almost worked. You were holding it together just barley, but still you weren't slipping. You just couldn't. You looked away from him, reluctantly seeing as how you wanted to snuggle midnight desperately, and pouted slightly with with tears of frustration and exhaustion brimming in your eyes. Eddie knew you were gonna slip but you just needed a little push.

He sighed and lowers Midnight to the ground and took you in his arms, rocking you with his chin tucked under your head.

"Look I know you worried about this final, but you need to understand that stressing yourself out for this isn't going to help you. Your going to great cause your the smartest person I know and probably in the whole school. You'll do fine. And hey if it makes you feel better I'll help you with studying. I know I'm not that smart but I could read you flash cards and quiz you on stuff. So what do you say? Will you take a break for me? For your daddy?" He finally asked looking down at you, slightly worried that you wouldn't slip.

But he was relieved when he saw you nod with your bottom lip sticking out and hearing your whisper 'daddy' and holding on to him as tightly as you could.

"There's my little Rockstar" he said smiling super wide.

He picked you up and placed you on his hip crouching down to pick up midnight as he set you up for bed. He got you in you night time wear and placed your pacifier in your mouth, cooing at you for doing such a good job for him.

He walked you to you living room and put on some care bears for you to watch. He knew it was late but he thought you could stay up a little bit just to relax. As you were watching TV, he went into the kitchen, after finding your baby bottle from your room, and started making some angel milk. When he was done, he scooped you up into his lap and fed you the bottle.

You ended up drinking all of it before dozing off to sleep. Not before you felt Eddie place a good night kiss on your forehead and whispering how much he loves you.

In the end you did great on your finals. Eddie helped you along the way like he said he would. Doing flash cards with you and quizzing you on stuff. He helped you even more when you had to explain stuff to him because it seemed explaining stuff to Eddie helped you better understand what you were studying. He also made sure you took breaks in between. Either being little space breaks or just big space breaks. Eddie would always be there for you and you couldn't be more great full.

The End

Hope y'all liked the fic. Again this is my first ever fic here so sorry if it sucks. I think it was pretty good so please tell me what y'all think. It would be much appreciated. And thank you for requesting this. I think you might have just put me in the fanfic writing business lol. Love you guys 😘💜💜💜

#Stranger things #Stranger thing agere #stranger things x reader #stranger things fanfic #stanger things imagine #stanger things x y/n #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x y/n #daddy!eddie #daddy!eddie munson #eddie munson #agere fanfic #little space fanfic #My post #answered #my fics

[fallowtail]

venting about adhd related burnout and skill loss under the cut, mild suicidal tw for just the mention of having it

Frustrated about my inability to explain or advocate for myself because my brain can't hold onto the thoughts long enough to be able to do so. I love my adhd being debilitating and cutting off my ability to properly communicate lol (coupled with the autism, here). Like it's very upsetting that it affects my creativity. I've never really been a creative naturally, it is not something that comes easy to me in the slightest, but of course I decided to make this thing that I have to claw tooth and nail to even accomplish the bare minimum my entire sense of self and worth (which is not me trying to say people who are creatively inclined more naturally don't work for it, but the way they talk about it and the way I experience it are vastly different- which I can't properly explain because. Gestures to the rest of this post.) I can't form ideas the way other people can, I can't remember things long enough to do them, I can't connect ideas together the way you need to be able to do to Create things, but also in a real world sense it blocks me from being able to get help because I can't explain my experiences, I can't properly talk to people because I can't remember what I'm saying. I'm even having trouble writing this post because I can't remember what I'm trying to say, trying desperately to jog my brain into being able to connect or even FORM a thought to be able to express myself, and I just...can't. I don't have the ability. And a lot of other people with adhd don't seem to understand this and it makes me feel even worse about myself because if they can do it, why can't I? What is the difference between them and me, that allows them to do these things that feel insurmountable to me when we supposedly have the same brain problem? That what they lament as them being a failure still, is a level of ability that I would kill for? How am I not supposed to see them doing these things and feel like there is something even more innately wrong with me, when they all can do them and I can't?

Especially when they turn around and tell me they understand, when they very clearly do not, because if they're able to accomplish these things they obviously are not in the same position that I am, and when I try and express that I get spit on with the "it's not a competition!" because the idea that other people experience the disability in a different way than them is not acceptable, or something. I don't come up to them telling them how much worse I have it, they always come to me telling me we're the same and I pushback against that because no, we aren't, please stop telling me my experience is the same as yours, and they fire up in outrage, and I'm so tired. It feels like brain damage, most of the time. It's like when you forget a word and nothing you do helps you remember it, but for everything. I can't focus on anything, not even my own thoughts- I can barely form thoughts, let alone get them out of my head lol. & I think what happens is people who have a similar experience but not exact think I'm being self-deprecating/hating or dramatic or hard on myself instead of trying to explain my reality, which makes them tell me my experience isn't real, look at this thing you managed to make that one time, this is proof you're lying and nothing you're saying is real or true, you're being dramatic, you CAN do it, you're just being self-deprecating, that I just need to try harder, that things will get better, when they aren't getting better, I'm declining and rapidly getting worse, and because of all that above I can't advocate for myself and properly tell them they're wrong. They want to pat themselves on the back for telling me to get over it and be more like them, they think they're being supportive and understanding and relatable. And then people will look at this post that took me around an hour to write and made me physically nauseous from how hard I had to think to do it where I'm still not properly explaining myself or getting my point across that I want to, and decide the same thing as above, so any attempts I make to explain how hard things are for me in my specific mental situation make people go "well you managed it then, so obviously it's not true and you're lying and I fully understand your experience and we are the same" and I just. Screams long and loud and exhaustedly into my hands. I just want to be able to think. I just want the brainfog to clear up. It never will, will it. I'm just? Like this? Forever?

Watching myself decline is so scary and so hard. It's just so...exhausting. And upsetting. And it feels like nobody understands, and I can't explain myself to MAKE them understand, and I would do literally anything just to be able to think coherently, to be able to put things together, to form a thought properly. Being in deep autistic burnout and heavy suicidal depression at the same time has not helped things, lol. I have like every possible thing that affects mental clarity piled up on top of me that then make each other worse because of it. Its honestly kind of hilarious at this point! And everyone I've talked to tells me medication doesn't help them, and even if it does it still doesn't for everyone, and with my track record I know for me it probably won't, and I just- how am I supposed to want to get to 30 being like this? How am I supposed to want to enter my 30's being this way? Still untreated, declining, getting worse, with no bright side to look forward to, losing everything I care about and everything I've based my sense of self around. It's not a life worth living if I can't cling to my artistic expressions but I'm losing them, and I don't think I can get them back. Other people take joy in their neurodivergency but I would do absolutely anything to get rid of mine. This is torture.

#z #long vent #i know i said i didnt want to vent on tumblr anymore but the allure of a large word count is too appealing #do not reblog this if you're a stranger cannot believe i have to say this

[liaromancewriter]

Cheap Thrills

Premise: An ordinary evening turns extraordinary with a special invitation.

Book: Open Heart Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Cassie Valentine) Rating/Category: Teen. Fluff. Trope: Date Words: 1,445

A/N: This was an Anon request. Submission for @choicesmonthlychallengejune2022 Day 8 “I’d love to go out with you”

When Cassie Valentine had been in medical school, she had heard all the horror stories about residency. Long hours, grumpy attendings, and the absolute mental and physical toll it took on a person.

Now that she was almost at the end of her second year of residency, she thought that despite everything there wasn’t anything else that she wanted to do. Even after today, which had been particularly difficult with PITAs and surly colleagues, so she was feeling wrung out.

She leaned against the wall to rest her aching back and closed her eyes, dreaming of a scented bubble bath and a glass of chilled white wine.  

“If you have time to daydream, we must not be keeping you busy, Valentine,” drawled a gruff and familiar voice beside her. “I certainly never had time for that when I was a resident.”

She smiled but didn’t open her eyes. “Was that when dinosaurs roamed the earth and you had to hunt your own dinner, Dr. Ramsey? One would hope medicine has evolved from those golden days.”

He chuckled, and her teasing green eyes drifted open to meet his laughing blue ones. He glanced around surreptitiously and then moved closer; his hand touched her arm in comfort. They weren’t hiding their relationship anymore, but discretion at work was still important to them.

“You look drained,” he said quietly. “Anything I can help with?”

She shook her head and took his hand, holding it loosely in hers.

“I’ll be fine. Just need to rest my brain for a few minutes. You know what I’d kill for right now?” She said absently, sighing deeply as she closed her eyes again. “A bubble bath. But our apartment only has a shower, so I’ll have to ‘daydream’ about it instead.”

“What time are you off today?”

“I have three hours left,” she said, lifting his hand to check the time on his wristwatch. “I’m going to drop on my bed so hard that Sienna will need to call a marching parade to wake me up tomorrow.”

“I have a better idea,” he said. “Let’s go out after work. Nothing fancy.”

He added the last when she stared at him and continued. “When I was a resident, I found that the days when I was really tired or frustrated, it was best to do something fun after shift than just sleep. There’s no better way to relax.”

She grinned. “Are you asking me out on a date, Ethan?”

“And what if I am, Cassie?” said Ethan, amused.

“Then, I’d love to go out with you. Nothing fancy, right?”

“That’s right,” he confirmed. “Meet me at the atrium entrance when you’re done.”

Almost four hours later, Cassie met Ethan at the designated spot; he must have gone home because he was now wearing dark jeans, a black tee-shirt and the green leather jacket that made him look like a rebel. She’d changed from her scrubs into jeans and a hoodie, and hoped he’d meant it about keeping it simple.

“Ready?” he asked, taking her hand in his when she nodded and started for the street exit instead of the parking structure.

“We’re taking the T,” he explained when she looked askance. “It’ll be faster than trying to find parking in that neighborhood.”

Cassie figured it was a day for surprises as he took out a CharlieCard from his wallet and swiped it at the fare gate. She did the same and took his outstretched hand as they walked towards their platform.

“I have to say that I never pictured you riding the T,” she commented once they were inside the subway car, her sitting on the lone empty seat while he stood towering above her, fingers looped through a handgrip.

He stared down at her; lips quirked in amusement. “You keep forgetting that I was a resident once too and attending money didn’t kick in until after I completed my ID fellowship. All in all, I started making serious money as a physician only six or seven years ago.”

“So, what you’re saying is that I have a couple more years to go before I can stop taking the T,” she quipped.

“Sooner than that for you, isn’t it?” he mused with a considering look, reminding her of a milestone birthday later in the year.

The train started to decelerate as it approached their stop and they exited with the hoard of passengers once the doors slid open, following the path to the street level.

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” asked Cassie, secretly enjoying this side of Ethan. They were acting like any other couple out on the town.

Her hand stayed firmly in his and she hurried to catch up to his long-legged strides, nearly jogging until he noticed and slowed down to match his steps to hers.

“An arcade,” he said, waving his hand to indicate the sign above an industrial looking door of a brick building in downtown Boston.

“You’re determined to keep throwing surprises at me today, aren’t you?” she said with amused exasperation once they were inside. “An impromptu date, riding the T, and now an arcade with its jangling game machines and loud atmosphere. Who are you and what have you done with Ethan Ramsey?”

“You think you know me,” he said mysteriously, crowding into her personal space and bending his head to kiss her lips, a hot open-mouthed kiss that was as tantalizing as it was brief. “But you have much to learn, Rookie.”

Cassie narrowed her eyes and harrumphed but refrained from further commentary. She was going to lean into this new side of her boyfriend and just enjoy herself tonight.

And he was right. She learnt that Ethan could get just as competitive as her and she loved it! They went to head-to-head on Skee-ball, trying to outscore the other and spending way too much money and having too much fun to stop. He easily won in basketball, while she outraced him in the motocross world championship.

“You’re a menace on the road,” he complained when she hollered after crossing the checkered flag.

“Don’t be a sore loser, Ramsey,” she jeered.

He made a face but let it go, saying instead. “The air hockey table is free.”

She rushed to grab it before someone else could and he followed, warily watching the glee on her face.

“Something you want to tell me?” he asked when she easily won the first round, striking the puck so hard and fast that he barely saw it move.

She smirked. “Let’s just say that even Max knows better than to challenge me to air hockey.”

“How are you at real hockey?” he asked as he lined up the puck.

“I suck,” she admitted with a laugh. “Do you play?”

“Street hockey when I was a kid and a season on the team in junior high,” he said. “But it’s been a long time since I’ve been on the ice.”

He took the shot only to have her block and slide it right back and straight into the goal mouth. After six more tries to beat her he threw up his hands and admitted defeat.

They made their way down the row of ringing machines, stopping at whatever took their fancy including whack-a-mole where Cassie told him she wanted to take revenge on her latest PITA. He handed her the mallet and stepped back.

They split a cheese pizza for dinner and splurged on ice cream for dessert. Cassie insisted on exchanging their tickets for prizes, ignoring Ethan when he told her they were for kids. She stuck a lollipop in his mouth when he made a snarky comment about the purple dragon plushie she selected from the prize wall.

As he walked her up to her apartment later that night Cassie told him he was right and this was the best way to relax.

“Of course, I was right,” he teased, grinning when she shoved against him.

He swung his arm around her shoulder and hauled her up against his side, kissing the frown away.

“I like this Ethan Ramsey,” said Cassie softly against his lips. “He’s fun.”

“Maybe it’s you that brings that out in him,” he told her.

“I can live with that,” said Cassie, placing a kiss on his cheek. “Goodnight, Ethan.”

“Goodnight, Cassie,” he whispered back.

He waited for her to go inside and heard the lock click before walking back towards the elevator.

He didn’t realize he was whistling a jaunty tune until someone passing on the street gave him a funny look. He just laughed and thought he hadn’t had this much fun in a long time. If ever.

All Fics & Edits: @potionsprefect​ @trappedinfanfiction​ @bex-la-get​ @mysticalgalaxysstuff​ @genevievemd​ @choicesaddict5​ @jerzwriter​ @rookiemartin​ @schnitzelbutterfingers​ @vi-writes-stuff​ @coffeeheartaddict2​ @quixoticdreamer16​ @dorisz​ @zahrachoices​ @lucy-268​ @a-crepusculo​ @jamespotterthefirst​ @ofmischiefandmedicine​ @headoverheelsforramsey​ @takemyopenheart​ @gryffindordaughterofathena​ @queencarb​ @crazy-loca-blog​ @natureblooms24​

Ethan & Cassie Fics & Edits only: @custaroonie​ @lady-calypso​

@choicesficwriterscreations​ @openheartfanfics​

#ethan ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #open heart #open heart choices #open heart fanfics #open heart fanfiction #choices fic writers creations #cfwc fics of the week #playchoices #playchoices fanfics #ethan ramsey x cassie valentine #ethan x mc #romantic fiction

[jjoelswatch]

Big ol' health rant under the cut.

I'm beyond frustrated with my care team and how hard I have to advocate for myself to get tests/labs done.

I've been not feeling well symptomatically for over a year, and been dealing with lack of appetite issues for about three years. Started with right side stomach pain last August that led to potential gallbladder issue concerns. I had every test under the sun to rule it out (abdominal ultrasound, upper scope, HIDA scan, stool sample) and everything came back okay aside from some inflammation (no H. Pylori, no celiac, no gallstones, no ulcers-- gallbladder, liver, pancreas, etc function all normal). So it was just like "well okay, I guess nothing's wrong with me except that my right abdomen hurts from time to time" and I tried to move on with my life.

I started having strange neurological symptoms back in March of this year (tingling/numb sensation in my face, strange senses of touch in parts of my face-- like parts of my face felt like a balloon). I've always suffered from ocular migraines with aura and no pain (and flashes of light/visual snow), so I thought it was just fun new migraine symptoms. They went away for a few months then came back in full force with even more fun symptoms (tingling in my hands and feet, lack of sensation in my right leg but not total numbness, a gradual increase in forgetfulness/short term memory issues that are SO not the norm for me, middle back pain??), so I scheduled an appointment with a neurologist and went to my shitty CNP "doctor" (disclaimer, CNPs are not doctors despite how the American healthcare system treats them like doctors) and basically pleaded with her to run bloodwork on me and to try to do anything to get me into for brain scans or something. Because weird neurological symptoms are super scary and it's hard not to assume the worst when you're experiencing them fairly suddenly.

She ran my bloodwork and found that my B12 levels were really low. I learned that B12 can cause literally all my symptoms, so I was relieved and they put me on 4 weeks of weekly B12 injections, with the plan to start monthly injections afterwards. She also told me they were going to test my bloodwork for folate levels and talk to one of the doctors in the practice to get to the bottom of what's causing my deficiency since I wasn't anemic or vegan/vegetarian. I felt...hopeful? and like we were headed down the right path.

Well, the office failed to click "submit" to order my blood to be tested for folate. So my CNP couldn't work with the other doctor to try to puzzle out what's wrong with me.

I was feeling pretty good during those 4 weeks of injections. My memory was sharper and my symptoms were gradually reducing (there is apparently something called "nerve wake up" when dealing with neuro issues from B12D, which can still cause symptoms to show). I knew that recovery would be gradual, as it can take 6 months to a year to really recover from neuro damage/issues from B12D, so I tried to stay positive. But a week and a half out from my last weekly shot, my symptoms returned with a vengeance.

Now my symptoms are a right leg that wants to cramp up from hamstring to calf, a left toe that just...twitches of its own accord, other random muscle twitches/tenseness, and (possibly unrelated?) increased acid reflux issues. My neuro appointment isn't until the first week of October (because the US sucks and it literally takes 5-6 months to see specialists at the bare minimum), so I messaged my doctor in a bit of a panic with some questions about my symptoms and asking if we could more aggressively treat the deficiency, because like...I'm concerned about perma nerve damage at this point?? And she tells me she's going to refer me to a neurologist without answering any of my other questions or trying to see me any eariler.... If she'd looked at my file or remembered our last conversation, she would know that I already have a appointment with one.

I caved and did several things. I tried to switch to the other doctor in the office she said she was going to work with to get to the bottom of my issues, because...why not go straight to the source? That failed, as the practice "doesn't do that, as a rule" which like...okay? Desperate for relief, I started sublingual supplements of B12 (fucked up at first at did the methyl version which just didn't agree with my body and switched to the same form as my shots were). I started seeing some relief in my symptoms, including my muscle tension in my leg (which was previously causing me to have trouble walking) and some of my muscle twitching.

I also called the neurologist's office like, "listen I know you guys haven't seen me yet, but can you order some scans to give me some peace of mind?" and they finally agreed to send me in for a cervical spine MRI and an EMG. I did the MRI only to find out that the reason they had me down for one was "neck pain" which I've literally never said I had and they didn't include a brain MRI like I'd expected given my symptoms. MRI turned out fine, which was a relief as much as it was kind of expected. The EMG is yet to be done (on the 28th).

I finally had my appointment with my CNP on Monday for my first monthly shot and to do labs, including the folate lab they screwed up. I told her that I wanted her to run labs for the missed folate, iron, vitamin D, magnesium, and copper. She sort of...laughed at me?? and told me that we ran those labs already. I told her to look at my chart because we didn't, and she obviously had to walk back her sentence and was like "I don't think we need to run labs for vitamin D but we can if you want?" and of course I said that I did. She refused to run labs for magnesium because that was "a more serious lab" and then said she "didn't know how to even test for copper because that's a heavy metal". I get my labs done, get my first monthly B12 shot. She sends me on my way with "depending on how your labs turn out, we'll see if we need to continue B12 shots"...when it can take a year for my symptoms to correct themselves.

Go figure~ my labs come back - the labs I had to TELL her to order for me - and out of a desired 30+ range for vitamin D, my level is 7 lmao. Thankfully I still am going to be getting monthly B12 shots since my levels are higher (due to self-treating) but still low. I also have to take vitamin D and a multivitamin now. She also referred me to a hematologist because I brought up the MTHR gene that can affect B12 absorption since I'm not anemic or vegan. I just want to know what's causing this deficiency, because she seems to have dropped the ball on the matter altogether.

I'm close to a week out from my last shot now and my muscles are getting tense and twitchy again. It's so, so hard to sit here and tell myself that this healing process is just going to take time-- trying to reassure myself that my muscle twitching is just "nerve wake up" and not a sign of something much worse. I've been going quietly crazy worried about ALS, Parkinson's, or MS because these deficiencies can mimic their symptoms. I just want it to be the 28th so I can get my EMG done and over with, and then see my neuro on the 2nd of October. I so tired of going to the doctor. I'm tired of feeling like they don't take me and my symptoms seriously. I'm tired of feeling like an annoyance. I'm tried of having to go out and do my own research and then bringing that research to my doctors, because between the two of us, I don't have a fucking medical degree. I'm tried of hearing "don't consult Dr. Google" when what else am I supposed to do when you're not doing your job thoroughly?

I'm just tired and I want to feel better.

#health stuff #b12 deficiency #vitamin d deficiency #detailed medical talk under the cut so read at your own discretion

[meerinsel]

Love on Wheels |Oneshot Lumax|

Fandom: Stranger Things

Couple: Lucas Sinclair and Max Mayfield

Words: 1283

theme: fluffy

Summary: Max is a wheelchair user and Lucas is a skateboarder, he takes a tumble close to her and uses the wheelchair as a premise for a pick-up.

Lucas comes moving down Main Street with AirPods on listening to “Teen Spirit” by Nirvana. The wind caresses his skin, which acquires light copper nuances as it crosses bands of sunlight. His presence is noticed by everyone, not only for the sound of skateboard wheels crackling on the uneven pavement, but mainly for his magnetic energy. He's the kind of guy who can make any girl melt with just one look, his perfect smile and his personally sculpted by God body. Owner of stunning beauty and an adventurous spirit, he notices everyone's eyes on him, greeting back those who greet him and makes a point of stopping and helping every elderly woman who needs to cross the street.

Maxine passes by that street for the hundredth time since she moved to Hawkins. Today she decided to have coffee with her mother at a local diner. As Ms. Mayfield takes her wheelchair out of the trunk and sets it up for her daughter to sit in, the two talk about what they're going to order, but then suddenly, the conversation goes from "food" to “Nothing good has happened since the accident”. And Max can't stand to listen to his mother's whimpers about her new physical condition anymore, her own fears and pain have no space and only her mother’s frustrations matters.

—I just wanted everything to be different. May a magical solution fall from the sky for us! - the mother laments while trying to put the back of the chair sit in the correct position and Max starts to feel her eyes getting heavy. —You're not trying to walk!

—Mom, I work hard every day! I do everything I can, but it's impossible! - the red-haired girl wanted to cry, out of hate, out of fear, out of sadness and mainly out of guilt

—Nothing is impossible if you believe it! - the mother responds with a smile and Max is sure that she has gone crazy for good.

Walking along the same street he's spent his entire life, Lucas skateboards around obstacles whose positions his brain has memorized so perfectly that he could make the course with his eyes closed. But for the first time in years, something catches his eye more than the dangers of the street: a mysterious red-haired girl sitting on four wheels.

Everything happens in a split second, Mrs Mayfield goes to the restaurant to ask for help to take her daughter inside, Max settles in the wheelchair, Lucas forgets that there is a hole a foot from the tree stump that quickly locks the front wheel of the skateboard, functioning as a catapult, and launching the boy to the ground at Max's feet, a caring the hell out of her.

—Oh my! Are you okay? - she asks feeling her heart beat like crazy from adrenaline.

Lucas feels humiliated, people look his way, some whisper, his first instinct is to try to reduce the shame as much as possible, leaving as soon as he feels his legs again. Two green eyes adorned by porcelain skin, making her look like a human doll, stop Lucas' plans and he forgets what he was going to do. When he notices the wheelchair he decides to do the most sensational thing he could do: use it as a pretext for a pick-up.

—Oh sorry, I thought it was a queen sitting on her throne, and that's why I had to bow - he answers as his forehead starts to bleed, he manages to get up on his own slowly, the pain of the fall was strong

Max thinks he's gone crazy.

—Boy, you're not well. - she claims genuinely concerned for the well being of the very attractive stranger who fell from the sky

Lucas finally manages to sit on the floor and a cocky grin forms on his, swelling and turning slightly purple, lips

—You might as well give that chair a rest and sit on my lap. - He pats his outstretched thigh and continues to smile, his typical smile that wins over all the girls he wants.

Max is sure he's gone mad.

No one had ever used her wheelchair for a pick-up before. For the first time since the accident that had landed her sitting there, she felt normal, just a girl talking to a boy who's flirting, not talking about why she's in a wheelchair. Max thinks about laughing, but her instinct to always hope they'll treat the chair like something out of this world makes the smile fade.

—Look, I think you hit your head hard and… - he interrupts her.

—No, actually it was the castle guard who hit me - the man doesn't stop, he would be able to throw a joke every two seconds just to make her laugh, this time she doesn't hold back and laughs

Max studies the boy's face in front of her in disbelief that he's actually using her disability as leverage for a pick-up. This has never happened before, her brain short circuits and she doesn't know how to proceed from there, as the handsome stranger destroyed a barrier of hers using a sledgehammer, just like the Berlin wall.

—...I'm not from any castle - she was so off-kilter that she said anything, just to fill the silence.

—No? But look at you there, all princessy sitting on a throne - he smiles with his hit eye closed, swelling, it's sure to be a very ugly mark

Max continues smiling finding him very strange.

—Good princess, I need to go. - he takes her hand with his and kisses the girl's fingers, without breaking eye contact, his lips are soft and the kiss gives him a sting of pain —It was a pleasure to meet you, your majesty

Max blushes violently and her heart is one step away from exploding. She can't answer. How could? There is no known answer for what just happened!

Lucas walks with confident and somewhat arrogant steps, afraid of falling off the skateboard again, he preferred to walk, turning his back on the girl. Mrs Mayfield comes back from the diner and Max realizes she won't get another chance to talk to the stranger if not now.

—Wait! - she screams a little desperate

Lucas smiles touching the tip of his tongue to his palate thinking “I knew it!” and he slowly turns around with an amused look at the girl. To her face, which surely bears the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen in his life.

—Yes, Your Majesty? - he asks in a tone that can't be told if it's ironic or genuine, but either way it makes Max shiver

—What is your name? - she asks relieved that he's back and her voice returns to its usual tone.

—It's Lucas. And you? - he answers and then asks genuinely interested

—It's Max, nickname for Maxine Mayfield - she says and he closes his eyes for a moment, as if the name is a pleasant tune, but then your whole imp makes a line using it.

—No. - he responds with a smile.

Max frowns, Lucas takes a few lazy steps towards the girl, always keeping his eyes on hers. They weren't intimidated, neither of them, there was something comforting in the vastness of green meeting the brown earth tone, for both of them.

—Why 'no'? - she is slightly annoyed, but soon remembers that the boy is kind of weird and says insane things

—Princess suits you better - he says simply and her heart melts. —Well Princess, I have to go. See you around.

And that's how Maxine Matfield gave her heart to Lucas Sinclair without even realizing what she was doing.

#lucas sinclair #maxine mayfield #lumax my beloved #lumax fluff #lumax fanfiction #lumax supremacy #stranger things 4 #stranger things fandom #stranger things four #stranger things fanfiction #disabled community #disabled characters #disabled girl #disabled pride #wheelchair girl #wheelchair #as a disabled person I am personally amazed by this #hawkins #80’s #stranger things

[juusauce]

Angel Baby (ft. Kurolisa) Pt. 4

Disclaimer: This is a fictional story. Names, characters, locations, and incidents are all made up by the author and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locations, or people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

If you hate my ship, please stop reading; I don’t want to block readers, so please be respectful.

Ⓒjuusauce - do not copy, paste, or translate my works anywhere.

border @skylightlantern

Part 3

After doing my work, some thoughts were bothering me, like why the fuck I feel Alisa is ignoring me?

When did it start? Well, Alisa was not obliged to talk to me always and that was not unusual or something. But why do I feel bothered? This is getting me frustrated. 

And it seemed like she was trying her best to avoid me, avoiding me every time we crossed our paths.

I’ve been puzzled about what I did to her. Wait, was she sulking about what I told her? I was just being honest with her. I’m just telling the truth that I wasn’t courting her and I don’t like her. I’m just concerned about her because she looked like she could easily be fooled, too naive about everything. 

I glanced at where she was. I guess she was talking with some investors. I clenched my jaw when I saw some of them were men and I hated the way they looked at her, a look full of lust. I’ve been imagining things like how I wanted to pull out those eyeballs from their eye sockets.

Honestly, I was not supposed to be here but my feet dragged me like it has its own brain.

I caught her staring at me but suddenly avoids my gaze like nothing happened or didn’t see me. What the fuck? Her coldness towards me makes me frustrated.

I hissed under my breath, annoyed at the thought of it.

But my attention was diverted because my phone rang suddenly. I don’t want to answer it but when I saw Kenma’s name, I immediately picked it up.

“I’m done investigating her.” I suddenly sat up straight when I heard what Kenma told me.

Wait? Why did I suddenly feel excited? Fuck! I shouldn’t feel that.

I leaned on my chair as I heaved a breath. I frustratingly brushed my palm to my face.

“Just send it to my email.” I tried to say it like I’m uninterested.

“Okay.” I heard some clicking sounds from the keyboard and mouse. “Don’t forget about the payment.” 

“Yeah, fine.” 

I hastily checked my email, I found the file and clicked it. I read every detail Kenma got.

I glanced back at her again. She’s alone at the table, looking around while sipping her drink.

She stood and I think she was going to the comfort room but when someone bumped her, she bent a bit to reach something. I saw her dress lifted a bit and it made my mouth dry. Because of her well-defined hourglass body, her clothes always look so sexy. 

I suddenly looked away as I diverted my thoughts. This is not the time to have a hard on. Damn it! 

Fine! I admit it. I got interested in her because of her…face and also her body. But when we first met, I didn’t notice all of it. Recently, I began to appreciate her beauty.

I clenched my jaw, getting annoyed as fuck because she was still ignoring my presence while she was entertaining others. Damn it! She’s so unfair.

I had the urge to announce to them that I’m taking Alisa with me but the other half of my mind tells me I shouldn’t do it. I don’t want to spark again the rumor that I have a girlfriend.

When I opened my eyes, I saw Alisa again. She was at another table with some models, I think? I’m not so sure about them but they’re famous in the modeling industry. But I got annoyed when I saw her laughing with that fucking bastard, the man who sat next to her. My eyes focused on the guy beside her. What do you want me to do with you, huh? Do you want me to punch your fucking face until it will bleed?

I brushed off my own thoughts. I don’t want to think about some criminal thoughts right now. But if I’m not holding back myself I might have punched his face. I laughed softly at myself and looked at her again. She’s still ignoring me again, not glancing at my direction. Geez! What a heartless woman!

What the fuck?! Why is it such a big deal to me, huh? I don’t even like her. Besides, we’re not together.

I’ve been glancing at her for every damn minute but every time our eyes meet she always avoids it. I glanced at my phone before looking back at her. I sighed. I felt like a clingy cat longing for its master’s touch, and always gets disappointed when being ignored. I hate this feeling. 

I got nervous when I noticed she’s going in my direction. I sat up straight, thinking that she would sit beside me. A lot of thoughts running through my head, thinking on how I will plead or what bargains I should offer to her. Shit! Don’t ignore me, Alisa.

Okay, fine! I’ll admit it. I think I’m starting to like you! I’m not doing courts but if you want some corny and traditional way…I mean courting…well…uh..fine! I’m going to court you if that’s what you want.

I got stiffened when I realized she passed through me. I didn’t dare to move as my brain hardly accepted all the bargains I thought I could offer to her earlier, everything went into waste. 

How long are you going to ignore me?

My gaze followed everywhere she went. She was having fun with them while I’m still here at my table, silently drinking this fucking tequila.

So you won’t talk to me, huh? I won’t court you then! I gritted my teeth, annoyed at the thought that she was ignoring me.

But who the fuck am I kidding, huh? All I fucking did was the opposite! Even though I didn’t have a chance to talk with her as I planned, I would still court her. Yes! I will admit it! I like her. I like her more than I thought I liked anyone.

I can’t believe I’m saying those words after years of settling for just physical connection, and believing that there wasn’t a stronger feeling than attraction.

Damn it! I’m really smitten with her.

Or is it because of lust?

I was surprised when I saw a lot of reporters waiting outside the company. My bodyguard was trying to protect me and made those reporters stop nearing me.

“Mr. Kuroo, what can you say about your girlfriend’s sex scandal?” I frowned as I turned to face whoever asked me that question.

“Excuse me?” 

“Miss Alisa Haiba, has a scandal. What can you say about it?”

My eyes widened in shock. But before I could ask them, one of my bodyguards dragged me inside my car. I immediately dialed her number. I wanted to talk to her and ask her what happened but I couldn’t reach her. 

Part 5

#kurolisa #kuroo tetsurou x alisa haiba #kuroo x alisa #haikyuu kuroo #haikyuu #haikyuu au #haikyuu smut #haikyuu imagines #kuroo smut #kuroo tetsurou smut #alisa haiba smut #alisa haiba model #haikyuu timeskip #nekoma captain #russian half japanese woman alisa #lev haiba's sister #juusauce

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Seducing Mr Bridgerton Chapter 4: The author rambles/Vents (Possible Spoilers for future chapters)

This is the most frustrating chapter to produce so far. Nothing is flowing and I hate everything about it!! The pace and rhythm of the POVs is so aggravating to work through, I've taken 16 breaks in the last three days!!! At this point, I think I'm just forcing out the words and it's so annoying!! Why can't the chemistry, banter and dynamics in my brain transfer to written word!!!

Aaaarrrrrggggghhh!!!

After trying to average at least 500-1000words per day till chapter completion. I've now got two extensively written deleted scenes. One just over 1000 and another at 700.

They're events/scenes that actually happen in the story, but their not necessary for the plot.

Honestly, I can understand why directors etc delete scenes from movies etc. Giving too much attention to side/minor character interactions and Povs can distract from the main storyline and characters.

On one hand, I feel like I'm growing as a writer thanks to the stress/struggle and temper tantrums this chapter has caused me. I'm learning alot about what is necessary narrative and overwhelming distracting details that lack purpose. But its so damn infuriating to have this chapter not match what my brain wants!!!

I think it's also the Canon chapter itself. I personally don't get the importance of the tea at Number 5. Other than them speculating and making theory's about LW it's a boring chapter. And in terms of Colin and Penelope, there was nothing really progressive in the chapter.

At this point, we all get that nobody thought Pen had the guts to do something like LW. And we all know Colin is an idiot boy with a heart of gold that needs to open his eyeballs asap.

I think I wanted this chapter to highlight the way others see Polin's interactions. Sure I've hinted and shortly indicated some characters understanding of them (Anthony, Benedict, Eloise and Lady D). But I wanted to write from an outside witness of the two of them together in the moment. I wanted to show that the tension/banter/affection between Colin and Penelope is so obvious that everyone is expecting/waiting for the snap that makes one of them make a move.

But my girl Eloise is so hard to write without letting her completely dominate the plot, narrative and tone of the chapter. Then there's Hyacinth who is eagerly wanting to be written in but struggling to hold any importance or purpose. Kate is hard as well. The Viscountess is very comfortable being a quiet observer, so quiet I forget she's even supposed to be in the scene. Violet has no purpose at all. But it's her tea party and so she's got to be there. And Anthony behaved for his feature and is very firmly refusing to do anything more.

Aaaarrrrrggggghhh!!!!

If I reflect on what I've mentioned so far, these are what come to mind:

Colin's gotten up to no good overseas. Sh! Don't tell the Bridgerton's.

Penelope knows detailed mechanics (and wonders bout her kinks) on the how of sex but has yet to experience it herself.

Implied Eloise and Penelope know each other's secrets but girl code ('We don't talk about _____' kinda vibe) to never speak or acknowledge that they know anything.

Colin doesn't like to be ignored, nor does he like to share.

Anthony can't read vibes and needs Kate to translate.

Colin thinks Penelope holds some sort of affection for Benedict. Strong enough for her to choose B over C.

This Author is such a fucking tease, they're frustrating themselves.

I have such specific plans for when Polin reaches their climax. I know I'm teasing, but that's because I want the characters to be starved for one another. I want them to devour and selfishly hoard one another from the eyes of the world. I want Colin to be utterly miserable after he's been given a taste of what he could have had for years but stupidly lost his right to after a temper tantrum. I want Penelope to deny, deny, deny Colin a single scrap of her love and affection so he can know the torture of pining and hungering without satisfaction. I need the darkness they hide within to overwhelm them both and to clash with one another so viscously they forget where they begin and the other ends. I NEED them to be so obsessed with one another that the rest of the world becomes background noise.

And fuck...... I just solved my own writer's block 🤦

Whelp. I'll guess I have to write from Polin pov and just give a short nod to someone else's pov at some point. Sorry if you feel disappointed about that.

In saying that, do you think I should post the deleted scenes? Should I do them separately or Nah? Should I wait till the end of the fic to properly share it on ao3 as a series?

Ugh idk.

#romancing mr bridgerton #bridgerton #seducing mr bridgerton #the bridgerton series #bridgerton season one #bridgerton season two #fanfiction #ao3 #polin #netflix #the author rambles #venting

[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

The skeletons are doing an escape game, what could possibly go wrong?

Undertale Sans - He's following everyone around, not doing much. He actually gives his opinion if someone ask, but he doesn't really care. Eventually, he finds a nice couch and decides to take a nap.

Undertale Papyrus - He's everyone nightmare. Papyrus thinks the puzzles are too ease, so, when no one is watching him, he's recalibrating them to make them more difficult. He wants things to be faire and fun. Though, the others are not having so much fun trying to resolve them. He made everything almost impossible.

Underswap Sans - He's running from one room to the other so everyone can have the hints. He's so exciting he's vibrating and making everything fly around him. Honey is trying to so hard to calm him down, but there's no way. Blue doesn't even help, everything he "guesses" is wrong.

Underswap Papyrus - He's making sure no one kills each other and hold his brother back. He's not enjoying the game that much, he's too anxious about all these skeletons in one room that can't work together. He doesn't know when, but he knows something will go worng.

Underfell Sans - He has to decrypt a message, but his two brain cells are not working. He's focusing so hard he has a headache, and the other pressuring him every two seconds is not helping. If someone asks him once again to hurry up, he swears to Asgore he's going to eat the damn papers.

Underfell Papyrus - He's fighting with Nox. They have one mission: grab a key inside a playground spiderweb. But they are both competiting to have it, and what was supposed to be an easy task is slowly transforming as "I need to kill my rival to get the key". Bones are flying, they try to hit each other in the back and no one is progressing.

Horrortale Sans - So. When they first enter the room, the skeletons got tie with handcuffs to the wall. Oak... is still here. He can't find the key. Unfortunately, he finds the key two hours ago, put it in his pocket, and forget he puts it in his poket. What he doesn't know either is that this key is the key needing to resolve the game. Except Willow, everyone left without him. Oak is sad :( It's not fun, and the fact he can't move is slowly making him lose his mind.

Horrortale Papyrus - He's trying to calm Oak, who's starting to panic, still tied at the entrance. He can't find the damn key to free him. Everyone had a key at the beginning, except Oak for some reason. Maybe the staff forgets? Should he ask someone?

Horrorswap Sans - He finds numbers on a wall and he's trying to find something out of it. He's not finding anything, but he doesn't want to look stupid so he keeps staring. Eventually, someone will notice and help him... right?

Horrorswap Papyrus - He finds the final enigma, but he can't talk because he's mute, and no one is listening to him. He's so frustrated. He goes to Torpedo and bumps his arm to get his attention. Torpedo thinks he's hitting him and punches him back in the face as an answer. Poor Pumpkin passes out.

Horrorfell Sans - He finds a small cake and hides to eat it. Turns out it's a plastic cake. He's disgusted. Who could do something so evil? Now he's hungry and he has nothing to eat :( It's like being in the Underground again. He goes sulk in a corner in fetal position.

Horrorfell Papyrus - He's stuck between two close walls because his wheelchair is too big. He forced anyway, and now it's not moving anymore. Everyone telling him he's blocking the way is slowly getting on his nervers, and Rumba pays for everyone else when he suddenly jumps at his face and bite his neck.

Swapfell Sans - Edge declares war, it's too late now. He doesn't care about the key anymore. There can only be one captain of the royal guard in this room and he's going to make sure it's him. He hisses like a wild animal and bolts to stab him. They are now both rolling on the ground, trying to hurt each other. The both wraps themselves in the ropes and got stuck. That's karma.

Swapfell Papyrus - He sneaks behind Nox and Edge to get the key. But when he grabs it, so proud of him, Nox and Edge are insulting each other, holding back by the ropes. This is an opportunity he can't pass. He gives up the key, goes to them, and starts to say the worst puns he knows. Nox and Edge, enraged, are now screaming with hate and struggling to strangle him. Too bad he's out of reach.

Outertale Sans - He's flying above the scene to find hints. Until he flies against the ceiling and manages to knock himself out.

Outertale Papyrus - He's coing to rescue Pumplin. Torpedo now thinks there's an alliance against him and attacks him too. Sun proudly resist two rounds against the mob boss before tripping over Pumpkin and then take a huge bone on the skull.

Dancetale Sans - He's struggling on Papyrus' puzzles with his brother, but he's having fun. He's pretty good at resolving them. He's one of the few skeletons who's actually helping with the game.

Dancetale Papyrus - He's taking notes while his brother is solving the puzzles, so he can give them to Blue, who's helping pass the informations over Chief's wheelchair, to the next room. He's also trying to stop Papyrus from messing with the puzzles.

Dancefell Sans - He was actually having fun, but then he needed to go to the other room and gently asked Chief to move his wheelchair out of the room, then Chief jumps at his throat and bite him. Rumba is high pitched screaming, trying to get away, traumatised. Why is he always targeting, he didn't do anythiing this time!

Dancefell Papyrus - He's too busy finding a good light to take a picture for his Instagram account to focus on the game.

Farmtale Sans - No one wanting to search the toilets so he did. It's full of (what he hopes is) chocolate, but he digs a key out, claiming "See, it's as easy as searching into a cow". No one likes that.

Farmtale Papyrus - He's working with Delta on some pictures, to find the final key. But they are confused, it's leading to the entrance and they're sure there's nothing there, right?

Mafiatale Sans - He's cheering Edge and Nox while they're fighting, screaming they are cowards and to aim for the knees. It's not helping.

Mafiatale Papyrus - He's trying to free the way while Chief is picking on Rumba. He just kicks the wheelchair until it's out. Sure, it's a bit torn, and ok, maybe he shouldn't have kick this hard, but there's still two wheels, so he can't complain. He's proud of him.

Mafiafell Sans - There's a padlock on the final chests, and he's too lazy to find the key, so he's using his claws. He rips off the thing, gets the treasure, doesn't tell anyone and locks the chest again. He can't wait for the others to find out they did all of this for nothing.

Mafiafell Papyrus - He's bored, he doesn't like the game, and then Pumpkin hits him, and then another guy try to attack him. He just defends himself, and now everyone is screaming at him. Torpedo has enough. He kicks the door and leaves. Welp. That happened.

Disbelief Papyrus - Going back to the entrance, he finds Oak, still having a panic attack, and explain Willow the key is here. They both stare at Oak. Delta stays silent for a moment. Then : "OK, OAK, GET OFF YOUR CLOTHES." Willow and Delta work together and finally find the key! But just before they can free poor Oak, Ink teleports out of nowhere and snatch it from their hands. Oak begs Willow to give him back his axe so he can kill the idiot goblin.

Ink - He waited the perfect moment to steal the final key and gets all the glory. But then he opens the chest and there's... nothing. Oh. Welp. That's it, he's bored, he's going back to annoy Error.

Error - He was not here, but still recieved a big chest on the head for no reason in his anti void. He sighs. He's an adult, he can get over it. No. No he can't. He's going after Ink.

Dustale Sans - He's sitting in a corner, looking everyone run in circle and screaming at each other about a chest and a treasure. He has no idea what's happening right now, but he's exciting. Everyone is hunting for something? Maybe it's the human behind the wall? He smashes the wall and drags the game master in the room. The guy is crying, begging them to leave his establishment.

#undertale #underswap #underfell #horrortale #horrorswap #horrorfell #swapfell #outertale #dancetale #dancefell #farmtale #mafiatale #mafiafell #ink sans #error sans #disbelief papyrus #dustale #undertale ask blog #undertale asks #undertale imagines #undertale headcanons

[yes-these-obsessions-are-healthy]

Writing is so hard because you need to read in order to write well but I'm the sort of person that will just immediately phase-shift and unconsciously copy the tone and style of everything I read, but at the same time it's how it helps me get through writer's block. But on the other hand I don't want to read anything phenomenal because I want to feel like what I've written is at least somewhat original or unique to me, something I made in my way. And yet I look at it and it feels so hack-y and juvenile that I look up writing just to see if I'm "doing it right", and I see I'm "not doing it right" because my results aren't that similar to other peoples' whose works do elicit the feelings I want to invoke in readers. Of course I write, I edit, I read, I screenshot so many passages to help inspire me, but the words don't come as easily as they used to, and not nearly as often as before. I used to have such a mastery over turns-of-phrases and the ability to progress a story to something, but I don't know. I think I've reached my limit on what I can do creatively with my personal brand of AuDHD. That's what it feels like, like I've hit a glass ceiling and other people, NT or not, are just able to progress further. I simply cannot conceptualize stories with the layers and depth and planning that they need to be. There is no "planning". I can't even begin to plan beyond a single scene or two, and forget about underlying themes and motifs. I don't know how people talk to each other, and I don't *like* writing conflict or people that I would dislike IRL. It doesn't feel fun to write, but it's what I love to read and want to give people in my stories.

Yeah yeah yeah I know "nothing is original", "people borrow from each other all the time", "don't compare yourself to others", but let's be real with each other and admit that there are certain bits and pieces that shouldn't be lifted from other peoples' works, that you need to find something that truly is your own. Those aren't helpful reminders at all. They don't really do anything for me. All I can do is just tap away and put ??? in certain parts of my WIPs, or synonyms in brackets that I will never return to because my brain is absolutely mush and I have forgotten how to harness the English language like I used to so expertly years ago. It is so frustrating not being able to recall things like I used to. My brain isn't as elastic as it used to be and it's like watching your fingers slowly decay and break off from frostbite. Of course I don't try to force it too much, but damn if it isn't discouraging because a single word can serve as the flavor for a whole sentence or passage, so if you don't have the word, how can you continue? You're just baking without a prime ingredient, and even if you go and put it in later, it might be too late and the whole shebang is a tone-dissonant mess.

English has one of the most complex and plentiful vocabularies in the world and yet I can't snatch a word out of thin air to save my life.

[squirrel-the-adhd-mom]

Chapter Eight- BIIIIG Truck, BIIIIG Attitude

10/3/2022

You know usually I start typing into this a little earlier in the day because then I don’t forget as much. Although, in all honesty this entire day has been a bit, ummm, distracted.

I just deleted everything I just typed because I was distracted. Imagine that. Now to remember what I had typed. Insert eye roll here. At least it was just one paragraph

I woke up before my alarm. Which was nice. I got to enjoy my coffee and I got my website online. Which honestly I didn’t think I’d be so excited about because I didn’t really know much I’d like venting into a screen everyday. Turns out I really enjoy it. Enough so that I find my self in super power mode. Or as you know it hyper fixated. So although I got a bunch done on my end of the rope my fixation caused me to fail at my normal routine in the morning. Are you starting to recognize the double edged sword yet? I woke the kids up late. Bypassed showers for the kids which means everyone is showering before bed. Oh well, can’t win them all right?

Got to work and was supposed to take two loads to one job. Fifty feet trusses, 60 trusses high. That’s a tall load. Got to location it was a shit show. Small location. BUT my uncle lives right across the way from where I was. So since you unfortunately isn’t working with me for the time being he came over and helped. He is by far the best truck driver I know! I really hope he gets to come back. Anyways, ultimately it was a success and I got the job done successfully with no broken trusses.

I didn’t get a message or a call from Theos school today that’s reassuring. Accept, since we’ve picked him up he’s been nothing short of a mess. Fighting everything me or my husband say. Not listening. At all. Ugh. It’s going to be amazing eventful rest of the day. Addi and Theo are fighting per usual. My brain just can’t take it right now. I am exhausted and stressed to the max. Yay, for being an adult. Insert eye roll here.

I don’t feel very good. Headache. Cramps. All the fun jazz of being female. So all the crying and whining crap has me over stimulated and crabby. I cant wait for the 18th to get here because then I won’t have to deal with part of those problems. I get my hysterectomy then and although it’s a hard pill to swallow I can not wait.

As much as I love being pregnant and having babies around I am happy that door of my life has closed. Instead I get the be an aunty to many more babies to come. And when they decide nothing I do is good enough I get to give them back to their parents filled with sugar and new toys. Spoil them rotten and send them home!

I mentioned earlier Theo wasn’t listening. Well Logan took away his little toy he got at school. For those of you who don’t know Logan is my husband and is “step dad” or “dad” to my older three kids. I’ll explain that more in detail at a different time. So since Theo is suffering a consequence we are suffering the beginning of overstimulation. Not necessarily to the break down point yet but equally as frustrating because the ODD takes over and everything we say goes in one ear and out the other. For me this is beyond frustrating. I hate when I am being ignored and I hate when my kids try to play two ends against center. That’s what happens during these moments Logan will say one thing and instead of listening and responding he try’s talking to me and getting me to intervene.

Dinner and bed time was easy thank goodness. I am drained. Have a good evening!

#adhd brain #adult adhd #living with adhd #wyoming #momlife

[charmingi]

how to be baltimorean

when does it start to feel like you’re from somewhere? like, when do you start telling people that you’re “from” a place? i tell people i’m from durham, north carolina; and that i’m also from dorado, puerto rico; but that i was born in newburgh, new york. i’m “from” all three of these places, but i’m definitely not “from” baltimore. is there a year quota i have to hit? maybe there’s an initiation ceremony or a hazing like a college fraternity. or do i have to wait for the next life and be reborn as a baby in a hospital down the road? i’m curious.

what i’m trying to say is that i’m a baltimorean imposter. i’ve been here for about a year, and i don’t know a single thing about the city other than that there are a lot of crab restaurants and edgar allan poe did something here (lived, died? if only i could remember… maybe i’d graduate to baltimorean). this is, if you can count to two, only two things.

i’m exaggerating for effect, but my ignorance does make me feel itchy. my empty head is decisively disrespectful to the city, which is why i want my sponge-like brain to go out soaking up experiences. baltimore and her people have been here for so long, yet all i know about them is crabs and one dead guy? i need to visit everything – historical neighborhoods, contemporary art galleries, poetry open mics, urban gardens, well-known landmarks, forgotten buildings, flea markets and on and on. the entire time, i’ll be taking pictures like a google maps van (both literally and figuratively).

it won’t be too hard. baltimore’s bus system is a little more forgiving than durham’s, even if it isn’t entirely free. i love the way bus drivers drive here, stepping on the accelerator if i take even a second too long to pull out my card for the fare. i’m not joking, either. it’s humbling to be sent stumbling into a seat. so many people from all walks of life get on and off a baltimore bus. while i get to ride it for a non-essential weekend outing, many others rely on it for their commute. on one hand, it’s amazing to be able to move through so many different worlds on the way to the local plant nursery, but on the other, it’s a little frustrating to uncover the history behind why a neighborhood has been neglected while the one just a block over is flourishing. i wish the government would invest more in public transportation.

i think that was my initial impression of baltimore. the disparity of wealth and why it exists is hard to swallow. that hasn’t changed in the year i’ve been here and i don’t think it will any time soon. i hope to write about it more in my future posts.

i have a hidden agenda, by the way. i want to cement my moments into memories. i notice, recently, that i've been doing a lot of nothing. it’s stressing me out. i wake up, i eat, i work, i sleep, and it all repeats. i barely ever leave my room for anything other than my mechanical class and work schedule. my doctors like to reassure me that it’s a simple byproduct of my disabilities, but you have to admit that it gets a little dull. can you relate to that sentiment? do you know that panic that swells in your chest when you forget to watch the clock and suddenly the sun has set?

by no means do i believe a human must be productive with every single minute of their day to be “truly” living. productivity is a sham; it doesn’t exist. instead, i want to practice awareness. it’s not what i’m doing or why i’m doing it… it’s being aware of what or why, like a meditative practice that emphasizes the importance of feeling every breath you take. awareness is the tool i’ll use to ascribe value to any moment i want. i’ll tell you if that works.

so, this blog will be a collection of moments i've been aware in baltimore. it’s an active protest against my so-far sedentary lifestyle!

i hope all of this made sense… if not, the short version is: i don’t know anything about baltimore, i want to know more about baltimore, i will know more about baltimore, and i’m bringing you with me (imagine yourself in one of those baby backpacks). oh, and i hope to graduate to baltimorean by the end of the semester!

gi out :3

p.s. here's gi in a texan thrift store to prove that he leaves the house (and sometimes travels very far distances):

[theunaestheticstudyblr]

UNIVERSITY WITH MENTAL ILLNESS

Mental health and illness is already hard enough, but adding school pressure on top is hard. High school was easier for me since there is a lot more structure and a lot less choice, which is why I'm targeting this towards college and university students.

Firstly is attending class. Getting to class is a major hurdle, especially with a commute like me (1 hour+) broke people problems lmao. Driving that long to go to a class just to drive back home is already exhausting and unpleasant, especially knowing professors will post slides or something after class anyways. But you have to drag yourself there. One thing I do to help is dress up. I'll do my makeup and put on nicer clothes. Why does this work for me? I hate wasting stuff, especially money and to me, putting on makeup is spending money essentially (same logic as using rare items in a video game idk). I can't just sit around the house and waste the money I just put on my face so I gotta go to class. Small things like this to trick your brain works so well. Before this, there was a restaurant I absolutely loved next to campus so if I went to every class for two weeks I would reward myself by going there. Another thing that helps is making plans with people ahead of time. They'll hold you accountable on days that you can't.

Take rest days. Schedule one whole day a week where you don't do school or go to work. It's a day completely off for anything. I use this day to do chores in the morning and then just lay around and do absolutely nothing all afternoon and night. This helps recharge and reduce stimulation and socialization. It gives your brain that little rest it cries for every day. I used to panic so much about this one day because I could be working and making money or studying or doing anything to be productive until I had a week where I couldn't do anything because I broke down completely, mentally and physically. Now I see it as a preservation day. I use this day to recover from everything.

Make your notes pretty. I hate going back and looking at my messy class notes. Everything is scattered and messy and I get frustrated. What I do instead is make a virtual, concise copy that is pretty to me. I'll add little sketches, color, pictures, etc. This helps draw my attention and allows me to study while doing it! Making the second copy forces you to go through the material after a class is over and review the material to decide what is truly important and then organize it all and then rewrite it all. This has been a huge help.

Use class breaks to snack or grab coffee. One thing I have found in many people with high anxiety is that food and drinks really help calm you down. I've found some research suggesting it's because food is a signal that things are safe and therefore makes you more relaxed, though I don't know much about anthropology and psychology fields. I find this really helps to calm me down after I had a very stressful test so that I can be more present for the next class. Gum helps a lot on high anxiety/panic days as well.

Download the notes or slides, especially if posted ahead of time. This way you have access even if you don't have wifi. You can even pull them up in lectures so you don't have to focus on the board the whole time. For my people with autism, this has helped me so much. There are times where you can't focus on the professor and the slides and the sounds and writing, so doing this cuts out having to watch the teacher and the board. Bonus points if you can record during lecture as well so you can revisit parts that you zoned out in or couldn't focus on.

Keep a journal or diary and list your activities, food, weather, etc in it as well as your mood. This can help you find correlations to hack shit. My favorite way of doing this is through the Daylio app (I wrote a post about it here). Like I notice that days when it's rainy, I study and read more and days where I walk more and eat breakfast, I focus better and am happier overall. This information helps so much. If I know it's going to rain tomorrow, I won't try to force myself to study a bunch today and instead save that energy for later. Instead, I'll take care of myself and go for a walk or something. Knowing how you work and why really makes a HUGE difference.

This might just be my autism brain, but finding cool things related to the topic at hand has helped me keep interest in at least a little of the subject, helping me study more. Like I don't like chimaeras (a fish group) BUT for some reason I love fish teeth and these fishes have a very unique tooth set. This at least let's me know something instead of just ignoring and forgetting everything. 20% is better than nothing.

Find a reason to study what you do, even if it's just that you need this class to graduate. Just taking classes for no reason seems like something neurotypical people are able to do. I can't do it. I need a reason and if I can't find one, I just give up. I used to always say it was useless and pointless and didn't understand why it was required. But I realized the reason to take it is because I want a piece of paper that says I traded lots of money and sanity for it. And that reason has to be good enough.

Make study games. Games are more fun than lifeless paper. Matching games, crosswords, coloring pages, whatever you like!

Feel free to add your tips to this post as well!! I always have room for improvement and experimentation, especially for really hard days. I still find myself skipping even online classes some days. No one had all the answers or has everything figured out. This is just an incomplete list of things that have helped me out a bit and made college life a bit easier.

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[limjaebom]

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#the worst part about having adhd and memory loss is that I could not remember got7 new song I was #trying so hard to remember fir the life of me I tried to think of with stuff on my own that would help #but nothing worked my brain was trying so hard it is so frustrating forgetting everything i be trying hard to remember me little brainy #is just so damaged #the smallest most specific moments I will remember sometimes tho so what’s up with that doc #like how jb got a cut on his wrist from wearing Bams watch ljke reallt #really