#but part of me is like 'derek ur making a mistake wtf'

[7suns]

tomorrow.

#my surgery's tomorrow and i have confirmed it and i will check into the hospital at 8:15am tomorrow #then my surgery is at 9:45 and after that i'll be staying overnight in the hospital #and on saturday after i'm awake and feeling good my parents will come pick me up in seattle and bring me home #and ngl i am having a LOT of anxiety and doubts today #rationally i know this is what i want and that i'll be so much happier and i'll be able to go running again etc etc etc #but part of me is like 'derek ur making a mistake wtf' #like with starting t it was super gradual and if i wasn't happy a month or 2 in i could Just Stop and go more or less back to where i was #but with this i'm really scared i'm gonna wake up and be like 'oh god this is awful' #but for real i Know i won't feel that way #and to remind myself of that i wrote down a huge list of reasons i'm getting surgery and what i want to do post op #and i keep looking in the mirror shirtless today to remind myself that that's why i'm getting it done. bc i'm not happy w what i see. #but still. it's scary. and i've never had surgery before so anesthesia is also scary and i won't be able to have any visitors bc rona #i am glad my surgeon chooses to keep top surgery patients in the hospital overnight. makes me feel better #also btw i'm getting DI w dr alexandra schmidek at virginia mason in seattle #and herself and all her nurses and assistants are all so nice and i've seen pics of her results and i like them a lot #plus she's just in seattle which is only like a 40 min drive and at a reputable hospital and keeps patients overnight #and she's done this plenty of times. i know i'll ultimately be happy w my results even if i end up needing a revision #i've also been lurking on r/ftm and looking at posts from guys w similar anxieties who all say they're happy w their results:) #anyway. long tags ramble over. didn't have much of a point to this i just wanted to share what i'm going thru today #also if anyone has any questions feel free to ask #derek's ts adventure

[catboyralphlanyon-archive]

ok but. ralph promises a stability and certainty of love that andrew never does and also both andrew and laurie are manipulated in this situation by derek who has his own issues associated with this whole thing so it's a mixture of laurie's uncertainty about the extent of andrew's love, derek's manipulation of the situation, and the promise of love and stability with ralph along with the residual romance of his teenage crush on ralph

(I’m gonna assume you meant Dave bc wtf does derek have to do with any of this?)

Agreed but at the same time i feel like the "miscommunication as a way to create conflict" trope plays a really big part here and imo Laurie is largely to blame too (im not saying it’s all his fault but he did make some mistakes). he was too scared to confess his feelings to Andrew for fear he will reject him and Andrew well... it’s a more complicated issue involving dave, religion, just the time the story takes place in general plus a bunch of other stuff im probably ignoring.

But I also feel like yes there’s stability w/ ralph but to what extent? obvs Laurie’s image of Ralph is still deeply marked by his teenage crush and he still sees Ralph through a rose tinted lens he does come to see him more realistically throughout the book but he’s very idealistic and i don’t think he’s really thinking abt his future with ralph with a clear head. I would like there to be a happy ending but idk I feel like Ralph and Laurie just wouldn’t last... they are very alike but at the same time they view the world very differently and in the end i feel like that would cause too much conflict on top of the fact that ralph has a lot of other issues that i think he needs to work through before he’s ready for a relationship (like the idea that a relationship will just automatically better ur mental health or solve ur trauma really pisses me off bc the other person doesn’t have any obligation to "fix" you and yes it is good to have someone there to support you but at the same time they shouldn’t b the only thing you’re relying on that’s not healthy and is an emotional/psychological burden on the other person)

TL;DR Dave sucks, Andrew needs someone to help him with his internalized homophobia, Laurie sucks at communicating and Ralph should get some therapy before committing to a long term relationship

@grxnite more on my thoughts (if ur interested)

#asks #the charioteer #ralph lanyon #laurie odell #andrew raynes #andrew x laurie #ralph x laurie