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#but she read all the parenting books and universally took experts' advice over what she'd learned from her own parents
suttttton
·
2 years
Text
me 🤝 my mom undiagnosed anxiety disorders
#the older i get the clearer it becomes that me and my mom catastrophize about things very similarly
#difference is i found healthy coping mechanisms while my mom found homophobic death cult evangelical christianity
#of course this realization makes me feel very bad for my mom because like. i get it.
#she tells me that she worries about me and i know she doesn't mean the normal way moms worry about their kids i know she actually means
#that she has a creeping suspicion that my life choices are going to send me to hell and she feels powerless to stop it
#and her brain will not let her think about anything else so 24/7 its just alarms blaring
#and because she's constructed her entire belief system around having anxiety she's like. this fear i feel is a message from god.
#and i have no idea how to help her
#like????
#she's literally believed these things fro her entire life giving them up feels like the end of the world
#and her WHOLE FAMILY is there with her so even if she could realize she'd be happier without these beliefs
#she'd immediately have a dozen trusted voices telling her no actually. your anxiety is correct and you're right to afraid all the time
#for awhile when i was like. 18-19. the major question i had about my childhood was WHY didn't my mom never take me to therapy
#because yeah okay she came from a culture where therapy isn't trusted and god is supposed to fix all your mental illnesses
#but she read all the parenting books and universally took experts' advice over what she'd learned from her own parents
#(because she knew her parents hadn't done a great job and didn't want to repeat their mistakes)
#and she KNEW i was REALLY bad. i was crying all the time having her drive me to the bookstore to get books i thought might help
#sending myself into anxious spirals if anyone mentioned death around me
#not a fun time in my life or her life
#and she DID take me to talk to my pediatrician about it so like??? why did we never see a therapist???
#i was 9 i though there was just nothing that could be done but????????
#but now i realize that what happened to me back then didn't really scan in my mother's head as something wrong with me
#because she was the same way
#:/
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