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#but still feels wrong in my head
andthebeanstalk · 11 months
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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puppyeared · 1 year
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RETURN TO MONKE (PUBERTY EDITION)
MK’s monkey form doesn’t feel right to me so i wanted to break up his transformation into stages. Maybe as he learns to accept that side of himself it becomes part of him, instead of changing between human and monkey randomly (which is probably painful). Love yourself, NOW!!!
@zymstarz im tagging you for FULL MONKE
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Laughingstock Lives in My Head Rent Free because Of You (/pos)
YIPPEE YAHOO <3<3
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icyheart-and-friends · 7 months
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Please, for the love of gods, allow yourself to consume content/media uncritically
You can be aware of issues a show/game/movie/etc has but you don't need to be aware of it *all* the time, you shouldn't have to justify yourself liking it every time you go to talk about it.
You shouldn't have to feel like you're the worst person in the world just because you like something that happens to have problematic stuff in it.
And you're setting yourself up for failure if you go into something immediately looking for all of the bad in it, you're setting yourself up to be unable to enjoy it! And if you do manage to enjoy it it'll likely just feel wrong because of that!
I'm begging y'all not to consume *everything* critically and to sometimes enjoy things uncritically.
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foileadeux · 11 months
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I love your new gijinka, not only because PK looks SO cool or because I'm weak for monsters, but I am also obsessed with the implication that this fucked up naga guy and his deer/tree wife had a child that just like Some Guy
Hollow got literally 0 of their weird traits, they look like they could be a normal person if not for the void. An equivalent of a mermaid and a centaur having a child that just looks like a normal ass human. I love that
HELPPP. if im being honest this is Just an issue with me slowly making my gijinkas more and more elaborate i think but uuuuh lets say the void fuckery messed with this to some extent. so heres cursed unvoided hollow
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katierosefun · 3 months
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my cancelled-able trait from the queer community would be that i really apparently love messy endings. i love u happy endings and i also love u such sad, messy, ambiguous endings . . . i love u endings where u have this weird pit in the bottom of your stomach because you know that there's love here but u have no idea what to do with it and u just have to deal with the fact that someone is profoundly affecting your life and you're not gonna get closure from it anytime soon . . . i love u queer love stories where it's really just "u don't always get to see the sunshine and rainbows at the end of it . . . sometimes all that's left is just one big question mark and the quiet hope that they get their shit together" . . .
#caroline talks#don't get me wrong. i love u happy endings. esp when it comes to queer love stories#but i also just. love endings where it's just like. well. u DON'T know for certain whether the characters#are truly going to ride off into the sunset together.#the only thing u know for certain is that they love each other and that they're going to have to grapple with that forever.#maybe it's also just bc like. idk. i took too many film classes and so my head's forever stuck#on this one essay about how some really happy endings feel lifeless.#like how in some ending shots. the characters look like they've had their happy ending. but there's also some weird unease and confusion#and it's like. well yeah. because for every happy moment u get in life. u are still already thinking 'well what's next. what now.'#which is fascinating to me. but also me @ me: god maybe u can just be happy and it's not that deep.#but also. i do love the wonderful ambiguity of just. 'there is so much more to live. so much more to do.'#and i guess it's not just for queer love stories. i think a lot about the ending of my mister.#with lee ji an and park dong hoon walking away from each other but they're happy. u have no idea how their relationship will pan out but u#do know that they love each other.#or like. columbus. with jin and casey. they hug each other and thank each other for being in the other's lives.#and jin says goodbye to casey and casey says goodbye to jin and u have no idea if they'll see each other again. but u know they love each#other so very much. even if they'd only known each other for a second.#or like. beginners. anna and oliver love each other so much and u get this sense that. they're still a little bit uneasy/nervous about how#the rest of their lives are going to go. but they'll try.#or. god. the swearing jar.#the last shot. i think about it a lot.#there is love!!! but u don't always know how the rest of it is going to pan out!!! u just know that it'll pan out somehow!
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luck-of-the-drawings · 7 months
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WWWOOOPS FORGOT I MADE THIS. drew this back at around when the hyperbolic time chamber training arc was just starting. remember that? huh? remember the hamspter??? ohhhhhhhh youll remember the haspter!!!! oh my god yknow what else i remember. williams overwhelming love for christmas. oh my god. spooky zombie boy loves the christmas.. literally the best possible thing for him...
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi prime defenders#jrwi pd spoilers#VYNCENT SSOOOOOLLLL I STILL DONT KNOW HOW TO DRAW YOUUUUU AND YKNIOW WHY?? YKNOW WHYYY???? BC WHEN I FIRST DREW EVERYONE:#I DIDNT LOOK AT ANY REFS. DREW EM STRAIGHT FROM OFF THE TOP O MY HEAD. AND WELL. IN MY HEAD SOMETIMES#I PICTURE THE CHARACTERS LOOKING SIMILAR TO THE PLAYERS IN SOME WAY. NOT THE BEST THING TO DO REALLY. BUT YOU SEE.#VYNCENT CAME OFF AS A VERY SOFT AND SWEET CHARACTER. BUT SEEMED TO CARRY ALOT OF STRENGTH. HES LIKE A BEAUTIFUL AND POWERFUL BULL TO ME.#SO I DRAW THE GUY REAL DENSE! BUT THEN YAKNOOOWW THE OFFICIAL ART CROSSES MY EYES N IM LIKE FFFYUUUUUCKKK HE DOESNT LOOK LIKE THAT!!!!!!#IM LIKE AAUGUHGH IM DRAWIN HIM WRONG!!! BUT THEN IM ALSO CRAAAZY STUBBORN N I AAALREADY ESTABLISHED THIS DESIGN FOR HIM AND I DONT WANNT#I DONT WANNA GO N JUS CHANGE IT AAAALL UP NOW!!CMAHHHNNN BUT I STILL GOTTA DO SOOOMETHIN!!#LEST HE BECOMES SO FAR REMOVED FROM THE SOURCE MATERIAL HE FAILS TO BE RECOGNIZED!! ANYONE ELSE GO THRU THIS? GIMME UR TIPS#anyway AHH THE DEMON THAT DESPISES ART FROM MONTHS AGO!! just means im improving so so fastly and cool-like. tbh im so proud o my recents#bUT HEY THOUGH I FIGURED OUT THE QUEUEUE THING AHAHAH NOW I CAN GET ALL MY THOUGHTS N DRAWINS OUT IN A DAAAYYYY#CONSISTENT POSTING FOR A MONTH HERE I COME. DAILY UPLOADS FOR A WEEK. YEAAHH BABY!!! PREPARE FOR SHOTGGUN BLASDT!!!!!!#ALRIGHT ALright one more thing before i go im. SO IN LOVE WITH MY SHAPES HONESLY... they are not just one shape but so so many put together#fucked up innit??? im seeing soo many problems in this piece though but i rest easy knowing i captured my feelings in the moment.
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Part Two of Class of '85.
-
June 6th, 1985
1. Make Sure Eddie Lives
Convince Wayne to move away? (how??)
Befriend Eddie sooner? (tried and failed)
Graduate Early?
2. Save Max
Stop Billy on Fourth July. Save Billy? Does he deserve it?
3. Help El With Powers. How?
Save Hopper? How to learn location of Russian prison if saved?
4. Convince Everyone To Move Out of Hawkins
That's all that's written on this slightly crumpled piece of paper.
Eddie hadn't even meant to read it; when he'd shaken out the grey sweatpants it had fluttered free, slowly falling to the ground, and when he picked it up to put it back in the drawer he caught his name. And he's always been far too curious.
Eddie knows as soon as he's read it that he absolutely shouldn't have. It's too late though. He's read it, he knows now, and he can't really unknow it.
This is the list of things Steve is trying to change in this timeline.
It knocks the air out of Eddie and his knees feel a little weak suddenly. He drops himself to the floor, one hand clutching the sweats, the other the note.
Make sure Eddie lives.
Eddie lives.
Which implies that Eddie died.
Eddie's not sure what that says about him, that he's never made the connection of Steve's soft I can't lose you confessions and that he might mean Eddie is dead, and not, like, having fled Hawkins before Steve could confess his lo-feelings or something.
He's never really taken the time to stew in what Steve meant because as far as Eddie was concerned, there was no losing him. Steve's already changed the way Eddie's life plays out; he's graduated a year sooner than he did in that other timeline. He's got a part time job at the local mechanics. And though he doesn't know details, he does know that still being in high school led him to the event Steve wanted to change.
Which was his death.
He takes several deep breaths. He's not going to die because Steve's already saved him so he can deal with this. It's not even an issue.
Moving past that. Save Max. There's no last name written, but both he and Steve know only one Max. Then the line below that. They both hate Billy, yes, but what's throwing Eddie off here is the written, then stricken out, does he deserve it? The use of save gives him pause, too. It says Make sure Eddie lives and save Max. So, Max doesn't die? What does she need saved from then?
This is when Steve finds him, entering the room with a, "Did you get lost, Eds? It's the top dra- oh," Steve is stopped two steps into the room when Eddie looks up at him.
"I didn't mean to read it but I saw my name and..." Eddie says, trailing off because he doesn't actually have anything to add. He's worried for a second that Steve will be mad at him but that thought goes as quickly as it appeared. Steve moves into the room, dropping to his knees before Eddie, hands coming to cup his face.
"Oh, babe," Steve's voice is gentle, his thumbs even more so as they swipe across his cheek. "I'm so sorry."
Eddie should be the one apologizing. He's done the one thing he wasn't suppose to. He's read the list! He knows the future! (sorta) "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have read this."
Steve makes his I-want-to-argue face but it smooths over. The tone in Steve's voice when he speaks, sounding older than his years and so fucking tired, it break Eddie's heart. "I should have burned that. This isn't your burden to shoulder. I'll just take that and you can try and forget."
He's reaching for the paper and Eddie pulls his hand behind his back, away from Steve's grasp. "No."
"No?" Steve looks surprised. Honestly, Eddie's also surprised.
"You don't have to shoulder this alone," Eddie says, "I can help. We can fix this together."
It's strange to see hope mixed with sorrow in Steve's eyes. "I can't- there's so much I don't even understand, don't even know how to explain."
"Sweetheart, let me help," Eddie whispers, shifting to his knees to easily slide into Steve's space, press soft kisses to his face between his words," I (kiss) want to (kiss) help (kiss). Let me (kiss)."
On the last kiss Steve angles his face, capturing Eddie's lips with his own, his hands still on Eddie's face allowing him to hold Eddie steady as he presses in, deepens the kiss, runs his tongue along Eddie's lip and Eddie flicks his own tongue out in return. They kiss in an odd, calm-but-desperate, deep-but-lazy, soft-but-messy way. They end it panting, foreheads pressed together to feel grounded, Steve's hands still on Eddie's face, Eddie's hands braced on Steve's thighs as he leans into him.
"Once you know, you can't unknow. It's fucking terrible, Eds," Steve whispers, "I don't want to do that to you. I don't want you to hurt."
"But you hurt," Eddie counters, "and if you hurt, I hurt. Thems the rules."
Steve laughs and kisses him again, just a quick closed lip peck, "Dustin told me once, you die, I die. Mutual destruction really shouldn't be the first go-to for showing affection for the people I care about it."
"Says the man whose favorite way to show affection is stepping between someone and a fist, or claw, or whatever."
Steve rolls his eyes and pulls back. "Weren't you going to shower?"
"Plans change. We gotta finish arguing about you telling me about this," he waves the paper, now even more crumpled, between the two of them, "so that you can let me help."
"How about you take that shower, and meanwhile, I'll cook dinner and think about finishing this 'argument' you want to have," Steve says, and even though Steve doesn't physically make the air quotes motion, Eddie still hears it in his voice.
Eddie concedes on this, though, and after stealing a soft shirt from Steve's closet, does go shower. When he's done, he takes his time detangling his hair and towel drying it as much as he can before changing into the pilfered clothing and going down to dinner. Steve is washing up the dishes he used while cooking (because this fucker cleans as he goes, what kinda sicko does that?) so, Eddie gathers plates and utensils and sets the table (because they're the kinda sickos that eat at a dinner table) .
Dinner is pork chops, mashed potatoes, and green beans. It's delicious.
They just chat about the day under the silent agreement that serious conversations were for after dinner. Eddie packages up leftovers and wipes down the counters while Steve finishes dishes and Jesus Christ when did they become so normal and adult?
Well, Steve's been an adult for a while, technically, but also, he's still just barely 18 and that's just- Eddie tries not to think about it too much, the difference between Steve's age in relation to the amount of time it's been since he was born, but also since he was forced? chosen? made to? relive 3 years of his life again.
"Alright Stevie," Eddie says, crawling into his lap on the couch, his legs bracketing Steve's, pulling Steve into him, Steve's head on his chest and his head resting atop Steve's, a mirror of their first interaction, at that party that feels so long ago and also just like yesterday, "I do have a question about your list that I feel is safe to ask and for you to answer."
"Hmm?" Steve hums back, arms wrapping around Eddie as Steve nuzzles against him.
"Befriend me got crossed out, so getting me to graduate early was the option you seemed to be going with. Obviously, befriending me ended up working. So, how in the hell did you plan to make me graduate early if we weren't friends?"
Steve snorts a laugh and says, "you're gonna laugh at me."
"Of course, I am. Tell me anyway."
"I was going to attempt doing your homework and turning it in on your behalf. I even practiced making my handwriting look different."
Eddie does laugh at him, so much that his sides start to hurt, and he would have fallen off of the couch if Steve wasn't holding him so tightly.
Then Steve has the fucking nerve to say, without the slightest hint of embarrassment, "told ya you'd laugh at me."
Well, Eddie's got no choice but to take Steve's face in his hands and kiss him senseless after that.
"Can you tell me what you mean by save Max?" Eddie asks when the kissing is done and the mood changes to serious again.
"Eds-"
"No, listen. I was thinking in the shower and like, I'm not going to get all philosophical on you, but I do think you can tell me, and we can figure out things together, maybe, and I won't interfere or do anything to, like, jeopardize the timeline. Just listen and troubleshoot."
Steve pulls back from their cuddling to eye Eddie skeptically. "I don't believe any of that for a second."
"Yeah," Eddie sighs, sagging forward to rest against Steve as he leans back against the couch now, "I just- I want to save Max, too. Let me help."
"It should have been someone else."
Eddie hears the cut off sob, presses himself down like a weight blanket, "someone else?"
"To get the second chance, the do over," Steve says, voice wet and pained, "it should have been someone else. Someone who-who remembers shit, and actually knows things. Someone smarter. I'm so afraid that I'm going to fuck this up. But then I feel like shit for wishing this was someone else's problem instead of mine."
"But it wasn't someone else," Eddie says, "it was you." Then he waits for Steve to collect himself and speak.
"The Party, they think I shouldn't tell anyone," Steve presses a kiss to the top of Eddie's head that he hears more than feels, "if I change too much, I could end up fucking up a thing that has to happen for us to win. I shouldn't tell people, or warn them, because if they make decisions based on knowledge they shouldn't have? That could get someone killed."
"So tell someone not involved. Or someone who isn't involved yet. Someone not around during the events. Then none of you are making decisions you wouldn't have already been making, but someone behind the scenes can change things. Maybe even last minute?"
That seems to give Steve pause. Eddie wants to pull back to look at him, his thinking face is adorable, but instead he shoves his face into Steve's neck and just breathes him in.
"That- I hadn't even thought of..." Steve kisses Eddie's temple, "Eddie, baby, you're a fucking genius."
"I know but it's great to have it acknowledged."
"Alright, off, I've gotta make a phone call before it gets too late," Steve says, shoving at Eddie. Eddie goes willingly, rolling a full 360 off Steve's lap so he's kneeling on the couch, elbows resting on the back of it. His eyes stay on Steve, though, tracking him as he stands, adjusts his shirt as if anyone but Eddie can see him now, before moving to the phone. It's not mounted to the wall in the living room, just sat on its own table in a corner, chair nearby.
If Eddie's gaze drifts down to Steve's butt while his back is turned, dialing whoever he's calling, well, Eddie's got no shame in that. He's allowed to look.
"Hi Hopper, it's Steve. I need you to get Dr Owens to get a hold of me. I know you have a way. No- you've got to- ok. No. Yes, this is important. Something- there is something else coming. We're not in the clear yet. No! You know I cannot tell you that. We all agreed that I wouldn't tell you anything! Hop- Hop- HOPPER. I promise, I swear on my life, El will be fine. She'll be okay. I... I just need to talk to Dr Owens. Thank you. Have him call on a Tuesday, I'm always off on Tuesdays."
Eddie listens in on the whole conversation, because if it was meant to be private, Steve would have used the kitchen phone, or the one in his room. Rich people have more than one phone, Eddie's learned. Excessive. "Sounds like it went well?"
Steve wrinkles his face in a grimace. "It's still weird as fuck. They know I'm not lying about the future thing. Not when- ever since-"
Steve can't say it again, but Eddie knows what he's talking about.
Bob Newby.
Steve blames himself hard for him. With whatever happened before Steve's time travel shit -the thing that was so bad something answered Steve's prayers and wishes to change it- Steve hadn't even been thinking about Bob. It wasn't until Steve saw Bob at the Hawkins Lab that he remembered the outcome.
He'd tried to change it, to save Bob, but in doing so he'd just endangered himself more and then Bob's death, his sacrifice, had been in protecting Steve instead of the surprise attack that had apparently been what took him last time.
Steve still can't look Joyce in the face, much less meet her eye.
Eddie hates that there's nothing he can say to alleviate this guilt from Steve. He's tried but Steve... Eddie won't even forget how his voice cracked when he said 'I knew he was going to die! I knew it, should have remembered it, but instead of someone without several concussions and memory issues getting a second chance, it's me! The fuck up! I didn't remember Bob and now, this time, it's my fault he's dead.' And Eddie didn't have the words to make it better.
Still doesn't.
"So, he's going to have the Owens dude call?"
"He's going to try," Steve says, "but can't promise. So, we'll see."
-
June 24th, 1985
Steve is in the bathroom when it happens. The phone rings, and Eddie's in the kitchen, so he picks it up, and says, "Harrington residence."
"Is this Steve Harrington?"
"Uh, no, but if we just wait a moment he'll be available soon."
The voice on the other end hums, "I do have a time limit to this call."
What an odd thing to say- oh. Oh shit. "Dr Owens?"
There is silence on the other end and Eddie's afraid he's fucked this up for Steve until he hears, "and just what else has Steve Harrington told you?"
Eddie's got a choice to make now. He can lie, or he can tell the truth. Both options have consequences, he thinks, but Eddie knows what he wants to outcome to be, so he moves to get line of sight on the hallway Steve should soon be appearing from and says, "Just listen, please. I don't know nearly enough but I want to help. I can help. Listen to what Steve has to tell you, and fucking believe him. If you think I can help with anything after that, call again on Saturday. Between ten and two."
"I'll listen," is the only response he gets, and they sit on the line for what feels like an eternity before Steve comes into view. Eddie shouts his name into the receiver, feeling bad about that only after Steve's taken the phone and Eddie has retreated to the backyard, both to smoke and to give Steve privacy.
Steve is on the phone for almost four full hours. Thirty minutes into the call, Eddie suggests he take the call to his room, so he can at least sit down. Steve agrees and hands the phone to Eddie, who listens for the confirmation that Steve has picked up the upstairs phone before he hangs up the downstairs one.
As much as he wants to eavesdrop, he wants Steve's trust more. Steve is trusting Owens, and if Owens decides it, he'll get ahold of Eddie. If there's nothing Eddie can do to help, then he'll just have to be here for whatever the aftermath is.
-
June 29th, 1985
To say that Eddie is shocked that when he answers the phone on Saturday and it's actually Dr Owens on the other line would be an understatement. He knows he offered, and he hoped, but no amount of hope makes something happen.
"Your juvenile record leaves a lot to be desired, Edward Munson," Dr Owens says in leu of any other greeting when Eddie picks up with the usual 'Harrington residence'. Eddie doesn't like that the government wasted no time digging into him. He really doesn't like that Dr Owens know his name. "I am not one to hold someone to past mistakes. You wanted to help, and reluctant though I am to admit it, there is something you can do."
"Anything."
"Alright. What you need to do is be at the Fourth of July carnival, on the lookout for Joyce Byers and Jim Hopper. They'll get there later in the day, but I don't have an exact time for you. As soon as you've found them, tell them to go to Starcourt Mall because that's where the kids are. Then you go home."
Eddie wants to know why he can't come with them to the mall but knows better than to do that. "Okay, I can do that."
"I hate to be the one to remind you, but lives are at stake here. Do what I've told you and nothing else."
"I know."
"And..." Eddie can hear the hesitation in his voice, "and just know you might not see some people you are used to seeing in the days leading up to the Fourth. Don't go looking for them."
Jesus H Christ. How is Eddie supposed to not do that? How is he supposed to be okay with people being missing? He must take too long to confirm because Dr Owens speaks again.
"Edward. I promise you, they will all make it through this."
"Okay."
Hanging up with phone feels very final. He doesn't like that Dr Owens didn't assure him of their physical safety. Didn't say they'd be okay. Or that they'd be unscathed. It was basically the nicest way the guy could have said no one you care for dies this time.
-
July 4th, 1985
Eddie spends all day at the damn carnival. He posts up around noon, which is probably way too early but he's not going to fuck this up. He hasn't seen Steve in two days and he's trying not to freak out. Dr Owens said they'd all live but fuck, in what condition? Eddie doesn't know what's happening, what was supposed to have happened without Dr Owens involved, and hates that he doesn't know how these changes Dr Owens are making to the timeline will effect Steve.
In the other timeline he knows that Steve lives, at least. This time...
The sky starts to darken when a Cadillac pulls up hot and going much faster than it should be, flying past Eddie's van to find parking closer to the entrance of the carnival. It could just be some drunks excited to ride a Ferris Wheel but Eddie's going to investigate.
Eddie recognizes Hopper instantly, the unfortunate side effect of being with Steve. The Chief of Police has become a common occurrence, with Steve inviting everyone over for pool parties, or them being invited to the Byer's for Barbeques.
"Hopper! Joyce!" Eddie yells, getting their attention before they've made it past the last row of cars to the entrance.
"Eddie! Thank God!" Joyce rushes to him, Hopper hot on her heels, along with two people he doesn't recognize. "Where are the kids?"
"Starcourt Mall," Eddie says, "you have to get to Starcourt Mall as soon as you can."
Hopper looks back to the Cadillac, then to Eddie's van. "Everyone in the van."
"Oh, I'm not supposed to-"
"Van. Now."
Eddie scrambles into the driver's seat, buckling up as Hopper ushers the strangers and Joyce in before pulling the doors closed behind him. "Get a move on it, kid!"
Eddie starts the van and guns it. It'll be fine. He'll drop them off and then go home and wait. Like he's supposed to.
Except that doesn't happen. Hopper orders him to drop them off near the entrance, then park in a far back corner and wait. And how can Eddie argue with the Chief of Police?
It does give Eddie a view he never thought he'd see outside of horror movies. About an hour passes before another car pulls into the parking lot, stationing itself facing the mall, and the Wheeler's car still parked along the curb. The headlights on the car go out, and just as Eddie is leaning forward to try and get a better look at the car, something climbs atop the mall, pulling his attention from the car and holy shit what the fuck is that thing.
Eddie clamps both his hands over his mouth to stop from screaming. Then that thing drops into the mall and someone steps out of the car. The person makes it three steps from their car before what looks like the entire US military floods out the entrance of Starcourt, and several military vehicles come barreling around the mall, probably from the employee parking area.
Then there's a knock on Eddie's window and he's fairly certain he almost pisses himself in fear. He whips his head around to look and he just sees some older guy frowning at him.
"Edward," the man's voice is slightly raised but familar, "I believe I told you to go home."
"Holy shit!" Eddie unlocks his door and shoves it open, forcing Dr Owens to step back. Eddie goes to climb out but his seatbelt chokes him because he forgot he was still buckled in. He unbuckles but Dr Owens has moved back into his space, keeping him in his van.
"I'm Sam Owens," he finally, officially, introduces himself. "Care to explain?"
"Hopper made me do it."
Dr Owens doesn't even look surprised. He looks away from Eddie now, towards the flurry of movement happening around the mall. Eddie's eyes follow and he watches as Billy Hargrove, who he can now make out thanks to the spotlights from the fucking helicopters, gets tackled by two men twice his size.
"You're going to save him, right?" Eddie asks.
At that, Dr Owens does look surprised. "We're going to try."
He thinks of Steve's note. Save Max. Save Billy. "You better succeed."
Dr Owens looks like he agrees. He also lets Eddie stay. Make him sit in his car like he's in time out, and it feels like forever, but as soon as everyone Eddie's come to care about comes out the front door, Dr Owens tells Eddie to follow him, and they go join the group.
Steve looks beat to shit and Eddie runs to him, pulling himself back before he can fling himself at Steve and pull him into his arms.
"Jesus, Stevie!" Eddie says, taking in his puffy eye and split lip, and he can't stop the hand that reaches out to touch even though he absolutely should not be reaching for him in public- Steve slams into him, tucking his face into Eddie's neck. He doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around Steve, starts whispering, "I've got you. I'm here and I've got you."
Steve finally pulls back when Joyce approaches, "Steve, let the paramedic look at you."
Steve steps back then but doesn't put distance between them. It reminds Eddie of what he said at graduation. 'I'm not afraid of a single person in this town'. Eddie wishes he wasn't afraid, either.
"Come with me?" Steve asks. Eddie nods, and follows.
They wait while Robin Buckley gets looked over, then it's Steve's turn. Robin takes Steve's place beside Eddie and they watch as Steve is examined. Eddie sees Robin giving him sideways glances, like she's afraid to fully look at Eddie, which is... something.
Once Steve is freed from the medic he steps up on Eddie's other side, the one Robin isn't stationed at, and says, "I need to talk to Owens before we can leave."
"Oh, uh, I'm kind of the Byers' and Hopper's ride. And the weird dudes they came with. They don't speak English."
Steve barks out a laugh at that. "Murray speaks English. And hooboy did we have to hear it from him. He doesn't trust the government."
Eddie doesn't know which of them was Murray, but he agrees. He gestures towards the mall, which some people seem to actively throwing gasoline on in an attempt to burn it faster? Eddie doesn't know. "Well, can't say I trust 'em either if this is the result."
"This is the Russian government's fault," Robin says.
"Oh, no, the Russians wouldn't be this kind of particular problem without our government," Steve says.
Robin just blinks at him. "Are we... still drugged?"
"You were drugged!?" Eddie whips around to Steve.
"Truth serum," Steve nods then seems to realize how quickly he said that and frowns. "It's taking longer to wear off. Or maybe this whole issue was resolved sooner than last time?"
"Shhhh!" Eddie shushes him with a hand on his mouth, looking frantically at Robin to see if she caught was Steve just said. "Stevie. Do not talk anymore tonight."
Steve licks his palm.
-
July 13th, 1985
It's an uncomfortable gathering around the table. Dr Owens, Chief Hopper, El, Joyce Byers, Steve, and Eddie are sitting at the Harrington dining table. They've all only just sat down, eyes on Steve.
"What do you mean you can't find me?" Steve asks as a whisper. With how silent it is, though, everyone hear.
El frowns. "You are gone. I cannot find you like I could Billy, or Dad, or Dr Owens. I do not know why."
After El had some rest and recovery, Steve had asked if she would look in his memories. Or be present while he remembered them. It was Dr Owens idea; maybe El could remember details that Steve himself did not pick up consciously, but heard to saw nonetheless. They'd attempted it last night to no success.
"Perhaps this has something to do with what... brought you back to this time," Dr Owens says, picking his words carefully with how slowly they left his mouth.
Steve nods before slumping in his chair, his brows furrowing as he thinks. Eddie thinks he's ridiculously cute when he makes that face. Joyce asks Dr Owens a question but Eddie's focus is on Steve. They're sitting next to each other, so he braves bumping his knee against Steve's. Steve responds by flashing him a smile and immediately hooking his ankle around Eddie's before falling back into his thoughts.
Eddie half listens to the conversation around him, half worries about Steve and what it means for him that El cannot find his mind. That being a by-product of the time travel thing seems logical. If Steve's consciousness was dropped into a younger body, the two minds couldn't exist at the same time. So perhaps, because El is searching for a Steve that, technically, no longer exists, she might not be able to find him?
"What about Project NINA?" Steve asks, bringing all conversation to a halt.
"How do you know-" Dr Owens cuts himself off. "No, I know how. Better question. What happened that we needed to actually use Project NINA?"
Steve looks haunted again, like he does when he remembers the timeline he destroyed. "Vecna happens. Spring break of '86. I- we can't talk about that here. I think- he can get inside people's head. Read their minds."
No one says it out loud, but everyone's eyes go to El for a moment and she looks uncomfortable.
"What if," Steve starts, like he's having a realization himself, "what if the reason I can't be found is for my protection? Vecna can read minds, get in there and make you think things- what if I'm being protected by whatever sent me back? Vecna doesn't know that I know what he's up to, 'cause he can't read my mind and know what happens in the future. Can't stop me from trying to stop him! Project NINA is like, a bring back memories thing, right? Take me there. Set it up away from Hawkins and take me there."
They discuss some more, trying to say a lot without saying anything incase Vecna was listening in right now. That's a thought that will keep Eddie up for months.
It's gets decided on that El will go with, to be able to try and reach Steve while he's trying to find his own memories. Hopper is going with because he's not letting El go alone, and that's when Eddie speaks up.
"Then I'm coming, too."
"Eds," Steve looks torn, like he wants to smile and frown at the same time.
"No. If Hopper's going for El's emotional support, than I'm coming for yours."
It's decided. Dr Owens will work on Project NINA, and arrange for them all to be picked up when it was ready.
"One last thing," Steve says, "once you're away from Hawkins, call me. There's someone I don't want involved in this. He's done enough damage. Oh, also, invest in some goddamn swim caps. If you think you can shave my head, or anyone else's, for your dunk tank, then you're going to get hit."
That night, Steve finally tells him what happened. What Dr Owens and he had planned. Steve only told Dr Owens about the Fourth of July, wanted to only change the last possible moment for worry of alerting Vecna to what was happening, worried about Vecna changing the plan if he knew.
He talks about Billy being possessed, how Will was, too, once. Dr Owens thinks they've managed to do that for Billy, but just to be safe, they're taking Billy somewhere. Steve didn't ask, but they're telling his dad that he got a scholarship to some college or other, full ride kind of thing. Max knows the truth, but she also knows he's alive. And knowing he's alive means Max isn't going to pull away from her friends.
Steve says he hopes that means Max is saved.
Eddie learns that Steve and Robin are going to become insufferable best friends, so Eddie had better make peace with that now.
Ha takes it all in, listens as Steve tries to downplay what he went through with humor. Like it was easier to endure just because he knew it was coming this time. It does end with Steve crying, just repeating they lived, this time, no one died, they're fine. And Eddie's smart to enough to know Steve isn't meaning all the people who did become a giant flesh monster; he's talking about they people he cares about. Hopper, who apparently died-but-didn't-die, and Billy.
He learns that last time El lost her powers, probably due to losing Hopper. But she didn't lose Hopper, or even have to fight the giant flesh monster. With the plans Dr Owens made, they'd already stormed and cleared the Russian base below Hawkins. It wasn't Dustin and Erica who freed Robin and Steve from their restraints, but some US military men. They'd waited until the Mind Flayer attacked the mall, dropped down inside it before torching it. They still needed the mall to burn down - there was a Russian base below it, after all.
Once Steve is finished, Eddie kisses his forehead and maneuvers them down in bed so he can spoon him. Steve melts into his touch, pulling Eddie's arms more firmly around him. Steve likes to be the little spoon, Eddie's happy to learn.
"I'm going to come out to everyone. Before we leave," Steve says, long after Eddie thought he's already fallen asleep. "You don't have to. We don't have to tell them we're together, but I want them to know."
The thought terrifies Eddie. He's been beaten up for the assumptions, it's hard to him to imagine what might happen if that words are made true by speaking them out loud. "Can I think on that?"
"Of course."
-
July 15th, 1985
Eddie does think about it. He thinks about coming out to this little family they've cultivated and it's hard. Coming out to Wayne had been rough, and he was one person! And he'd told Jeff. But Gareth and Brian had just kinda... put the pieces together and told Eddie they didn't care who he liked so long as he never picked his boytoy over Hellfire night (and so far, Eddie hasn't!). Eddie can't imagine telling up to fourteen people all at once.
Fourteen separate people who could hate him.
But Steve seems so sure they won't. That he won't lose anyone when(if) he comes out to them. And fuck, the scariest part if that he kind of wants to. If he and Steve do this together, if they know they're together, he could hold his hand when they're all together. Sit as close as he wants to without the fear of being found out because they'd already know.
But if they aren't okay with it. Or they aren't okay with Eddie.
These people, this group, was Steve's first, so they might be willing to forgive Steve for his temporary lapse in judgment, but Eddie hadn't done anything to earn their trust. Respect. Willingness to not beat him to death for being gay.
And also, a tiny part of him is afraid of losing Steve if he can't commit to coming out.
"Steve," Eddie whispers as they sit on the couch, a movie playing but Eddie's not watching. "I'm scared."
"What?" Steve sounds so confused, and he quickly looks between Eddie and the movie. It's so enduring that Eddie must laugh about it, just a little.
"Not of Footloose. Of telling people. About us."
Steve's face softens and he looks so fond that Eddie aches. "That's okay, Eddie. You don't have to."
"But what if...."
"If?" Steve prompts.
"What if I'm never ready to come out? What if I- if we can't- What does it mean for us, if I never get there?"
"Oh," Steve says, like the thought that Eddie would never come out hadn't ever occurred to him. "Well, then I'll just be the bisexual who never dates again and lives with his best guy friend for the rest of his life."
That's like a gut punch in the best way. That Steve says it so easily, like he plans to stay with Eddie until he dies. Eddie can't fathom that. "Careful, Stevie. With words like that I might get ideas about you."
Steve looks serious now, but with a little upturn to his mouth. A small, secret smile. "Ideas, hmm. What sort?"
"That you might adore me."
"Well, I do adore you," Steve says simply, easily, "I love you, Eddie."
Eddie freezes because that's not- Steve couldn't possibly mean- that's. What. Eddie and he haven't even said the word boyfriend to each other yet and Steve's... Steve is looking at him with such fondness, adoration, love. Butterflies erupt in Eddie's stomach and as quickly as that little bit of dread had filled him, it's gone even faster. Eddie flings himself into Steve's lap, the need to kiss him until both of them are light headed is the only thing left inside Eddie.
Eddie doesn't say it back, can't really, but Steve must know because he keeps repeating it, with every breath Eddie allows him to take in between kisses.
The next morning, Steve wants to comes out to his found family at their Good Luck Project NINA BBQ, because Hopper, El, Steve, and he are going to be heading to Indianapolis that evening to be picked up by Dr Owens men tomorrow morning and everyone wanted a last get together.
Steve is fearless. Steve is fearless, and so strong, and he loves Eddie.
So, when he calls attention to everyone and starts the speech he rehearsed with Eddie, Eddie steps up. Slides his hand into Steve's, gripping it probably to the point of pain, but there. It doesn't matter how they'll react, because Steve loves him. And he loves Steve.
(And if he clocks Lucas and Max exchanging money about it, well, he can't even be mad about that.)
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camellcat · 2 months
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WTFFF I thought thirteen would be my new girl crush love of my life heart eyes wife you-came-after-twelve-you-must-be-better-than-they're-all-saying bbygirl and then I had to sit down and watch as she told a man who (if he were not a murderer, of course) literally every regeneration before her would've LOVED and FULLY SUPPORTED that "the systems aren't the problem. how people use and exploit the system, that's the problem. people like you" </33333 !?!?
#WHERE IS THAT POST THAT SAID NINE WOULD KILL THIRTEEN FOR BEING A CLASS TRAITOR#WHY WOULD YOU SAY “ERODE PEOPLE'S TRUST IN AUTOMATION” ALL WORRIED AND CONCERNED LIKE THAT???#WHEN DID YOU START LIKING AUTOMATION OVER PEOPLE THINKING AND DOING THINGS FOR THEMSELVES???#AND WHY ARE YOU TRAVELING WITH A COPPER??? WE HATE COPPERS??????#did we FORGET into the dalek?? how about how he treated danny?? god there's so much more I can't even remember off the top of my head#(I understand soldiers are different from cops but c'mon don't even PRETEND twelve would've been any nicer if blue or danny were just COPS)#also a bit off topic bUT MAY I JUST TALK ABOUT ARACHNIDS IN THE UK FOR HALF A GODAMNED SECOND—#I know the companions are usually the ones to do the doctor's dirty work here but like#I just can't see the other doctors NOT having the business man lure the spider for being so fuckin annoying about it#like I was genuinely surprised when they had him do that whole song and dance about not doing it and then he actually just. didn't do it#the doctor LOVES fucking with evil rich business men this is PERFECT. plus why not get back at him for being awful to their companions?#absolutely gobsmacked thirteen let him act like that. I am wrong in thinking that the others would've shut his shit down a LOT quicker??#anyways. I love jodie whittaker and it's just so upsetting to have her doctor do something so wildly off#THIRTEEN PLEASE I HAD SUCH FAITH IN YOUUU I WAS IGNORING THE HATERS AND FOR WHAT#I can SEE the other doctors in her still I can FEEL them they're there she's doing an AMAZING job but. oh my god. what did they make her do#I can't even say she feels ooc as a whole because jodie is bloody brilliant. it's just these... moments. that don't make ANY sense to me...#especially coming off of twelve?? I get the radical personality switch but that belief is a core part of the doctor. or at least I THOUGHT#thirteenth doctor#doctor who#I still love all of you who love her and reading ur posts/fics but I. will not be making any myself. I do not think.
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eggwishing · 4 months
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the big ogre thing is just a random design not relevamt in their story But i still wanted to draw them interacting and explore more of august and mindy's dynamic
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chthonic-cassandra · 9 months
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[abuse discussion] The petty hill I will die on is that Dracula should never be handsome. Oh, it's easier if he's pretty. Then it's love; these poor maids who are his victims take one look at his face and can't believe something so evil could look so nice. [...] But I'm not in the business of ease. The Brides have always fascinated me, in a very different way than the could fascinate male writers, because I know them. They interest me in the way Melania Trump does, in the way Georgina Chapman Weinstein does. In the way that every woman, at least once in her life, wonders, "Could I just...?" Most of us could never go through with it, of course. But some do. What if the Brides did? What if Dracula wasn't a handsome Romanian prince, but a nameless, faceless, ancient terror? What would you trade for a life of enormous wealth, released from the cruel rigors of ageing into a state of eternal beauty? How much would you be willing to fake, and for how long? Of course the deal is bad, and the monster turns out to be even more of a monster than you suspect when you make it. But again, this is no surprise to most women. And ask any abuse survivor, you have to become a little bit of a monster yourself to escape it.
Alex de Campi, "On monsters," afterward to Dracula, motherfucker!, Alex di Campi and Erica Henderson
Okay, I know I am absurdly biased on this topic, but this is the second time in the past few years that I've seen Dracula's brides discussed in this very specific framework and both times it's made me very uncomfortable so I want to consult with all of you, my friends - how does this land for you, as a way of discussing abuse and as a way of discussing these characters?
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fleshdyke · 1 month
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#csa warning for tags#ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh#completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i#also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad#like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man#was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to#'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background#all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or#whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important#i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting#that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently#wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all.#and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head#like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have#to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it.#bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit#i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus#an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually#harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all#bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid.#and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is#but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core.#i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways#rambles#vent
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puppyeared · 4 months
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for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........
#MOTHER FFFFUCKER#to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants#im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night#at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn#to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS#the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori#but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey#consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!!#just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick#outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to#animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better#at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH#i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc#im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over#where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands#there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE#ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles#but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your#health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!!#im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves#also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet#im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to#have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to#to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up#their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ#yapping
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gorgynei · 7 months
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grin grin grin grin grin grin. grinn grinn listenn grin getting on t best thing ive ever done in my entire life grin
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strangerhands · 29 days
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mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.
#it was so good tho#like so cool i was internally freaking out about how cool things looked#the fight scenes🤌#the environments/settings🤌#all of the fuckin machinery🤌#the acting🤌#the everything🤌#yum#also i dont find austin butler attractive but funnily enough feyd was the only time ive found him hot😭 yes i have issues. but like. okayyy..#i watched it alone and i wish doing things alone wasnt seen as such a weird or sad thing like. theres nothing wrong with it#sorta vent->#but basically ive been feeling like an annoying piece of shit so ive been staying off of here for the most part#because ive been convincing myself no one likes me and everyone in my life would be better off without me😝😝#just tee bee ehch#and idk i was just feeling like ass and was doing nothing and when i finally would go to use tumblr i was already too tired to do shit#so i just went to sleep#and i was busy today#yesterday*#and ill probably be a bit busy today too but idk maybe hopefully ill catch up a bit#idk ya boys just been hating himself like usual but not as usual bc it was worse but it is what it is#i felt a bit better yesterday though#and also my new antidepressants ive been on havent been doing shit for me so im going back to a previous one i used to be on so yea#hopefully that helps soonish idk#i never vent on here so i feel kinda bad for doing so but i just wanted to puke my thoughts here#also since im already here complaining ive just like. not written at allllllll basically like i got into my head and made myself discouraged#so. that sucks. but also nothing out of the ordinary there#why does Everything i say sound so embarrassingly depressing and pathetic hhhhhhhgggggggggggggghhhghghg#anyways yea i was doing bad im still not doing good but hopefully will be a bit better so ill be back and caught up later today or tomorrow#idk if anyone gave a fuck or noticed but i just like complaining into the void so yea#talkin shit
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