#but that doesn't exist so I GUESS I HAVE TO DO THAT MYSELF

[astralpenguin]

self care is writing a fic that you’re literally the sole target audience for

#nobody was asking for a spn pmmm crossover fic focusing on claire at 14 #who by this point has already been manipulated into agreeing to something without knowing all the terms and conditions first #and it was awful and the worst day of her life #so when kyubey approaches her she doesn't go for it #but the people around her do and so claire gets to watch people she loves die horribly AGAIN #like there is nothing in spn canon that contradicts any of this #but literally nobody is wanting a fic like this to exist #nobody except for me #so i guess i have to do everything myself around here #el talks

[annihilatius]

As someone who hates Bioshock Infinite with all his heart, I kind of start to realize that this game would become absolutely unplayable if Rosalind and Robert Lutece didn't exist. I only really grew an appreciation for them once I painstakingly beat everything in the game. All the characters are either constantly reminding you of how racist they are entirely for shock value, or are all around completely insufferable people; depending on what disingenuous narrative the game wants to tell in that moment, it will either be shoved down your throat at every opportunity to remind you how BAAAD they are, or will be ignored and excused by lazy writing to act like they're actually a good person who's "trying to become better" when they never ever do. Oh yeah and theres this secret third trope where a character only exists as a racist caricature for the game to dehumanize and call slurs, but then say "oh but OBVIOUSLY the racism they face is bad!" After they literally kill them for no reason.

Rosalind and Robert Lutece are the only ones who don't fall into those categories. Every time they come on screen it feels like a breath of fresh air between all of the constant stream of bullshit. They're the only characters there to break the tension of the unbearably tone deaf centrist politics. I mean, judging by how this game has all the subtlety of a cannonball to the face, you can probably assume they're also just as racist as anyone else, but.. does it not *tell* you how awful this game is, that a character not screaming racial slurs 24/7 and actually having a character trait outside of being racist is something to be commended and rewarded as if it's some great impossible achievement? That a character that is actually funny and entertaining is the highlight of the entire experience? Meanwhile that was to be expected of every Bioshock character from previous games? Because all of them are all likeable in their own ways? That theres no one specific "highlight experience" for Bioshock 1 or 2 when all of the characters are so engaging and compelling? But with Bioshock Infinite it's ALWAYS them, because they are objectively the only well written characters in it?? Yeaaah..

#v.txt #bioshock #bioshit infinite #< new bioshock infinite criticism tag i came up with just now #i guess songbird kinda falls under this but it's generous to even call him a character #he's just a personality trait to make elizabeth (the most amazingest and bestest character to ever exist Btw) more interesting #also i do not respect people who see elizabeths and bookers relationship as the best part of the game because they either #1. just want to have sex with elizabeth (because who doesn't amiright... Sighs deeply) #or 2. ship elizabeth and booker but only on the most superficial level because they dont love each other in any meaningful way #this was kinda made in a fit of rage and it's also 4am so don't get mad at me if i made an ass of myself here...... #i just want to post my own thoughts more even if they might be stupid

[topaztimes]

Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that

#Giving time... #Still more time... #Wouldn't want to plague any previews #Maybe another filler. Just for some fun #Is this enough? #It certainly is now #Alright start: #I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight #'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state / #/of constant self-loathing #I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea #What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not / #/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed #I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore #I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done #I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though #I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I / #/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward #I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme #Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way #God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs #It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my / #/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days #Literally what am I doing this for #And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with / #/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life #Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me #Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus #I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore #It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until

[wild-at-mind]

If you ever see me becoming one of those transmisandry people, please fucking call me out immediately.

#it shouldn't happen though i am too triggered by MRA-lite material #i can't see that changing any time soon even though i haven't had exposure to the content for like 10 years #the transmisandry discourse on this site melts my brain it's awful it's just online stuff being argued about more online stuff #this is not the same as me saying i will never be treated badly for being transmasc i am not stupid i know that happens #and i am fully committed to fighting the patriachy which has nothing whatsoever to do with my individual manhood or anyone else's #it's a system and yes gender and how we fit into the patriachy is made extremely complicated in trans circles and that's ok! #i promise it is you don't have to design a new system that cis women and trans women are using to do oppression on specifically trans mascs #we're all being fucked over by the patriachy and how the fuck does it help to be divided #but in reality let's face it i can say this all i want but the real reason i'm never going anywhere near being a transmisandry person #is because i was exposing myself to MRA-lite content at a formative age and harming myself in the process #even if i didn't know i was a trans man guess what it would have harmed me just as much if i did have that awareness #and honestly when i see transmisandry discourse all i see is that fucking triggering stuff again #all it does is nitpick whether patriachy is real with tiny examples it doesn't talk systemicly and it doesn't help men in the slightest #it pays lipservice to marginised men but it has no interest in talking about the fact that men are usually simultaenously #oppressed and oppressor at the same time- this is not accusatory it is just factual #it's true of the queer community too and basically every community #but we can't seem to talk about it without just harming each other and blaming and not seeing each other as human #the internet makes it all so much fucking worse this stuff can't exist without it #anyway i'm super rambling but these are genuinely very triggering topics for me i have unfollowed people i LOVE becuase of this #and i still love them! unfollowing on a social media isn't a referendum on that i just can't see that stuff and i need it gone from my dash

[itwoodbeprefect]

obsessively rewatching mash season 2 episode 2 "george" and starsky & hutch season 3 episode 6 "death in a different place" back to back because i'm an intellectual. and also queer

#capping this off by NOT watching h50 season 9 episode 14 because that one aired in 2019 which makes it a little embarrassing #(edit: which does not mean it wasn't still meaningful to many people. i'm glad 9.14 exists i just also think they could have done more) #(even just a smidgen more. a scooch. a little bit. i will stop overclarifying myself to hypothetical readers now) #due south notably doesn't have a Very Special Episode that tells us that gay is okay so i guess we just have to extrapolate #or watch some fanvids. or that moment in motb when turnbull tells the random mountie he's very disciplined while everyone's doing romance #orrrr all of the closet jokes. or some like it red. or- #for 911 it's a rewatch of the s1 lone star bit with the racist neighbor fake heart attack where tk goes 'i am a homosexual' #and for the original 911 just every scene that has hen in it. not because she's a Very Special Episode but because i always want more hen #and i'm inevitably getting off track at this point in my serious media research (aka theoretically rewatching tv shows i like) #*

[running-in-the-dark]

okay so I got up.. less than 5 hours ago (yes it was another slept-all-day day)

annnd all I wanna do is go back to bed 🙃

#it's partially because I'm (very) tired but also.... #I need to spend several hours thinking about hugging Jenkins #just need that man to hold me okay. #sigh #anyway so now I don't know if I keep sleeping so much because something's wrong with me (I mean that's pretty likely either way) OR if it's #just that.. 'I've lost my mind and real life doesn't exist anymore' stage of being obsessed with someone. because that's also very likely #I vaguely remember that every time I woke up today (it happened a lot) I just kept closing my eyes again to think about Jenkins and/or Dan a #little more.... (and then I inevitably fell asleep again) #yeah sure maybe the fact that I'm at my in-laws' place and I hate it here and I don't really have anything to do has something to do with #it too... but eh 🤷 whatever. either way I'm thinking about that old man. #damn how do I stay awake. I keep almost falling asleep in my chair (unfortunate side effect of The Thoughts...) #I guess I'm gonna force myself to. idk do something. I could paint. or #no I can't think of anything else. so it'll have to be that I guess. #personal

[freebooter4ever]

The tech guys are hanging out in my office again and chatting about $10,000 week long vacations like this is normal.

#Journal shit #Ah yes the life i gave up to be a grunt 3D generalist working on the lowest of the low entertainment \o/ #A lot of my friends here get mad at my dad for not being supportive #And i myself get frustrated at him for being insulting about my general life failure #But like....he has a point #I dont think he needed to treat me like yesterdays trash over it but #He was right i probably should have taken a programming job #But poor dad he got saddled with a child who is stubborn and tragically not financially motivated like at all #I mean he is the exact same damn way i feel like my dad forgets that it was just me and him for four years there #I saw how he lived without certain influences and he did not give a crap about status or money or fancy things #It wasnt until the rich bitch came along and started making him like...update his furniture every few years because *style* #and making him buy new designer coats every year so he doesn't embarrass himself in front of the other volleyball parents #Im just saying prior to the introduction of Steves Wife to our family these things just didnt exist to us #It does greatly entertain me that Steves Wife is not allowed to come to the ohio farm because everybody agreed that she just... #Could Not Handle The Poor #Anyway thats my dads idea of a vacation going to visit grandma on the farm this summer #And two guesses he and grandma will just sit around reading and doing puzzles and watching tennis #Pretty much exactly what i did when i went on vacation to visit her #I want to ask my dad if you think i am a failure what do you think of yourself i am exactly fucking like you for better or worse #Well i mean except i also did a lot of drawing of hockey players and grandma would lean over my shoulder #Saying things like *he looks like a nice young man* #yes grandma and he also racks up the penalty minutes like you wouldnt believe

[arcaneyouth]

this shit really makes it hard to want to do anything to distract myself

#vent post #negative #want to play a game to calm myself down? yeah that's not going to help. that's a nice reminder of everything. #want to work on my comic? keenly aware of how much i need to code my own website before webtoon and tumblr fuck themselves over for good #want to watch youtube? keenly aware of how much youtube wants its creators dead too #ok maybe i'll cross stitch. but i'm aware i'm only doing it because its one of the few things available to me anymore #read a book? guess what industry ALSO wants its creators dead! #i can't enjoy any of this because i feel sick #can't even go outside and enjoy myself there's nothing out there for me to even do #that doesnt stave anything off i'm just going to have a breakdown but i'm outside now #the world gets smaller. #i know it will get better. as everything burns a better life will come out of it. #but i don't know how to be ok with experiencing the now while i wait for the better to come #even as i try to look into 'the good industries' so maybe i can survive in this world with an ok job #there's nothing there #i know better than to expect anything perfect but Everything Wants Me Dead #i want the bare minimum of Doesn't Want Me Dead and it doesn't exist #what do i even do. all i can do is keep going while hoping for a miracle.

[e-6000]

Had my first real nightmare in years last night

#littletalks.txt #it was more early this morning than last night #for context I have a lot of dreams that would likely be considered nightmares by most people that I don't consider nightmares bc they don't #upset me or unnerve me in any real way #I woke up at like five ish this morning. I puttered around for a bit and then decided to go back to sleep. I had sort of fallen into a light #sleep and began to dream. there was no plot it was very brief. I was getting into my car (standing in the open door) and there was this #little girl in the driveway on the other side of the car. she was laughing and in the context of the dream I think she was a friend's kid #(she doesn't exist irl) so I'm standing there talking with her parent and listening to this kid laugh when I begin to hear identical #laughter from beside me. I am filled with dread‚ I can't bring myself to look over at the source and the only thought in my mind is of teeth #it was at this point that I became just lucid enough to realize that I was dreaming though not lucid enough to snap myself out of it #so I guess I started squeezing my hand open and shut over and over to try to wake myself up. that's what I woke up doing anyway #my heart was going about a mile a minute #went back to sleep after that

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the #best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b #like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional #control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood #weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start #crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way #not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things. #thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi #now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me. #working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning & #prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st. #task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in #this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do #moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an #then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose #things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the #picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to #absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal #away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i #still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop #switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping #would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is #but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually #unrelated #i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static #but focus is not a thing i cna control

[crystalkitty1220]

I’m planning on making an incorrect summary of ibvs and this was one of the first ideas i had

THIS REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I WAS BORED IN CLASS AND WASTED LIKE TWENTY PAGES OF MY NOTEBOOK BY SCRIPTING A "IBVS IN A NUTSHELL" THING

tags are just me being nostalgic

#it was so fun but the only joke i remember from it was that i called the nevin goop ''gak'' #and planned for someone to say ''the gak is back'' when it appeared again #but i got bored of the whole thing after season one so i never ended up writing that part of it #i made a couple little sprites as well but the lines were too thick and they looked bad. even for in a nutshell sprites. #man ive gotta go find that again. gonna search for it in my notebook. #okay its been two minutes since the last tag and i found it #okay highlights: #''the demon king of high school has decreed it. he says monday 8am i will be deleted'' (heathers reference) #*closeup of issac* *closeup of the door to the art room* *zoom out to show the closet door in between them* ''well frick'' #oh god i was so hostile towards chris in this. not even pointing out actual flaws; i just went straight for the jugular. oh poor boy. #KIDS BOP XTALE i guess i couldnt be bothered to simplify his backstory #''haha magic? that's dumb. why would magic exist? magic doesn't exist. you're nor magical. i - definitely - am not magical. #why would i ever be magical? if i was magical you would know but i'm not magical so yeah glad that's settled. #*talking to viewers* my name is nevin jovel. i have magic powers and do an amazing job at hiding them.'' #*also talking to viewers* ''my name is drew jovel and nevin's a fucking idiot if he thinks i'm falling for that'' #''and i'm chris!'' #CHRIS JUST SAYING ''ANIME FALL'' anime boy frrr #''i didn't. not at all. i am a normal human being. i cannot do that by myself. what do you think i am? a wizard? #because i am no wizard i have nothing to do with wizardry i-'' #okay nevin definitely had my favorite running gags. running gaks. hah. #charlie: ''my anime senses are tingling'' it would have been such a good place for a 'ghost sense' danny phantom reference :( #nevin: ''day 4 of hoping nothing supernatural happens'' . monika: ''hello!'' . nevin: ''why'' #okay so in between every chapter i planned for there to be a screen with the chapter number on it #''nah i'm good'' [CHAPTER 12] ''that was your cue to leave'' #WAS IT EVER CANON THAT DEZ FOUND THE MONIKA RITUAL ON WIKIHOW OR WAS THAT JUST SOMETHING MY MIND MADE UP #there's a reference to it here and i swear i wholeheartedly believed it was canon for months #''never trust a wikihow ritual'' god that might be my favorite singular sentence ive written here #''what do you mean? nothing happened. it was just a normal day. nothing witchy happened i have nothing to do with witchcraft #it was just a stalker yes a stalker that i chased away with a hose not a witch that i scared away with witchcraft witches dont exist'' #NOOO THATS ALL THE TAGS IT CAN HANDLE i'll have to reblog and add more

[tardis--dreams]

To summarize today's day in university:

- got diagnosed with social phobia by a class mate (bitch?!)

- heard a Very cool lecture/presentation by a guest lecturer

- our lecturer said she kinda liked our idea for our presentation

- had lunch with friends in the uni canteen which was nice but evoked some existential despair

#about that social phobia thing: first she showed me the term on her phone during a seminar (when she couldn't talk loudly) #asking if i had that to which i said no i do not?! #then after class she again said 'i think you have social phobia. because you don't like talking to people or in class' *nodding knowingly* #to which i again said i did Not have it but ok whatever #because hello?! the only person allowed to say i have social anxiety is Me. fuck you?! #like I DO say i have social anxiety because i do i guess. but a) not talking in class is not an indicator for this #b) i Do talk in class lmao. and I've never actually had any problems around her regarding anxiety #like i have no problem talking to classmates or saying something in the classes we have together so Fuck Off?! #(i mean it is a giant problem sometimes in some contexts but STILL. YOU DON'T GET TO 'DIAGNOSE' ME. #i hereby officially undiagnose myself from that thank you very much) #ANYWAY do you know the feeling of meeting someone you really look up to like maybe an author or a musician or whatever in REAL LIFE #AND YOU GET TO TALK TO THEM? that excitement where you're like 'omg i can't believe that's happening i can't believe you're here in a room #with me TALKING TO ME? and I get to hear about something unpublished you're working on rn?? like exclusive insight into current research??? #that was me today during that presentation by that guest lecturer! I've read most of her articles and at some point idk i guess you find #researchers in your field whose work you just find Very interesting and then when you get to meet them it feels a little unreal #(not to fangirl over a linguist or anything. i rarely do that (don't speak to me about my favorite lecturer who i also totally don't see as #a huge inspiration or anything)) #but yeah also i was so worried about the presentation next week but now our lecturer said she didn't hate the topic I'm more chill about it #AND yeah sorry folks‚ healthcare doesn't exist here :( no i can't help you find a doctor there's no hope just accept it #I LOVE the fact that international students keep bringing up this topic! the sheer despair and Anxiety you get to hear about! fantastic! #like I'm sorry about this obviously but that's just how we live here? What do you MEAN in your country you just can go to a doctor FOR FREE #and they'll help you? what yeah man I'll come to Russia with you! (seriously. this is one of the main things preventing people from staying #here. the absolute Lack of healthcare. people who are like 'yeah i love it here but honestly? I'm too scared something might happen #and then no one will help me.. yep. understandable. i have just accepted that i will die due to this #but if you have the option to go (back) to a country where things are different I'd do that tbh. #(sorry just normal lunch conversation topics we have here #i still feel very nice and fuzzy because i was invited ahahaha (i have a sad life lmao)) #shut up amy #university ramblings

[supercantaloupe]

i'll be honest i'm looking back on last year and i'm having a very hard time saying it was like. A Good Year or whatever

i feel like anything i did that was really An Accomplishment was either really cringe or too small to be worth anything tbh. and none of my failures were very big either sure but they add up a whole lot more don't they

#lost a great internship lost a concerto competition lost a teacher lost interests lost friends #spent 10 days in [redacted] with 30 people who wanted nothing to do with me #spent a week on a mountain with 60 other oboists and couldn't convince two fucking people to play a trio with me. #what HAVE i done this year. besides buy an instrument. #learned and performed a second role in a show within a week of performance. #i guess that's something but it was a budgetless amateur operetta performed in a church rec room... #if there's any accomplishment in that it really goes to the girl who wrote the thing not me #what else. i mean i guess i did fine as a club treasurer again. but who cares #i got into opera. which. yaay. i guess. i made a couple of new mutuals through that #but i just feel myself drifting further and further away from my existing social circle bc i don't have any normal interests #and i'm losing everything i have in common with them and i try to reach out but it doesn't work out and people hardly reach out to me and #i'm just so tired of being alone and mediocre. #and i fucking hate that i need near-constant reassurance that my existence is worth Anything to Anyone but unfortunately i do. #but i don't get it #i wanna talk about me