#but the plan WAS this week after college on wednesday i'd start
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puppy love ⌦ .｡.:*♡
mingyu x reader x scoups? (Still figuring it out LOL) pt. 3
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summary: first year of college, you literally knew no one and you planned for it to stay that way but damn were you wrong
notes: hey guys, part 3 is finally out. Just wanna apologize for not uploading in so long, I've been going through a lot of family stuff and school has become a big stress for me but I've started to get my life back together again. i'll be uploading ever Wednesdays from now on unless I make a post stating otherwise! Anyways hope you enjoy part 3.
genre: seventeen college au, love triangle between scoups and Mingyu, Mingyu being on a football team, financial major scoups, angst??, fluff, cute friend ships, Hoshi, Joshua, Seungkwan, Minghao, and Wonwoo r your besties, Also besties with Yunjin (Le Sserafim) and Minnie (G-IDLE), other seventeen members are mentioned?? Childhood friends, cursing, drinking
THIS IS NOT PROOF READ BTW SO I APOLGIZE FOR ANY GRAMER OR SPELLING MISTAKESS!
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Your Birthday was in just a few weeks, you didn't really plan on doing anything to celebrate, maybe invite Mingyu and all your other friends over but that was it. "OK! I'm thinking the Maldives!" Seungkwan perks, across the table from you "You must've lost your mind Boo Seungkwan" Minghao scoffs, taking a bite of his food. You, Hoshi, Seungkwan, Minghao, Joshua, Wonwoo, And Mingyu were all sitting done at one of the campus's diners, eating your lunches, When Seungkwan started pitching birthday party ideas which you declined, as all of them were either out of your comfort zone or just borderline impossible "Seungkwanie. Let's be reasonable" You chuckle a bit "Besides I dont wanna do anything crazy" Though you tried to get Seungkwan to shut up, his mouth just kept on going, coming up with the wildest plans. "You know, I have a beach house over near Daegu if you guys want to stay there for a few days" Mingyu suddenly speaks up from across the table "YES! OMG YES" Seungkwan basically jumps up from his seat, causing everyone to break into sudden laughter "Are you sure we can use it?" You ask once the laughter had died down "Yeah of course! We dont use it that much anyways" He shrugs and you end up agreeing. You hurry up and finish you lunch before hurrying back to your class with Joshua. On your way back to your class, your phone is blowing up in your back pocket, which you pull out to see a bunch of text from, once again, Jaemin. You don't even bother to look through the thousands of text messages he sent you, you just let out a shaky sigh before pushing your phone back into the pocket of your sweatpants "The dick still bothering you?" Joshua asks "Yeah, he's back at it again for some reason" You shrug walking into your class. "If he keeps bothering you, you can tell us, you know?" Joshua tries to reassure you "Don't worry, he'll stop in a bit. He was like this when we first broke up anyways" You say, taking a sit at you desk, and Joshua doing the same.
You had finally finished all of your classes for the day and was walking home when you spotted a familiar figure in the distance "NINI!" Seungcheol's warm voices calls out and you pick up your pace just the slightest to catch up to Seungcheol "What are you doing here?" You say with a grin once you finally reached him "I dont know, thought I'd stop by" He shrugs and the two of you begin to walk "How are you?" He asks "Good, and you" "Same thing here" He smiles back. The two of you walk until you come across a convenience store "Want anything?" Seungcheol asks, entering the store with you following "Nah, im ok" You reply, taking a seat on one of the plastic green chairs. After a minute or two, Seungcheol comes back with 2 cups of shin ramyeon, water, and chocolate flavored nini's. "Cheol you didnt have to.." Your heart melts as you see all the things the man had brought for you "Its nothing please, You always used to get hungry after studying, so I assumed you would be hungry after all your classes" The man sets all the food on the table and takes a seat across from you before the two of you dig in. "I was wondering, I'm having a birthday party this following week over at Yeongildae beach, and I want you to come" you ask "Yeah, of course, I've been wanting to go the beach anyways". A little bit of excitment tingles through your body, and you can't help but smile a little knowing that you'll be able to hang out the Seungcheol once again. Seungcheol leans back in his chair and you begin to open the box of nini's "Remeber when we went to the beach together?" Seungcheol speaks up. You feel a small sense of nostalgia as you think of the past memories Seungcheol was referencing "How could I forgot, I had so much fun that day" A warm smiles covers your face, as your mind relives the moment "I think I still have the polaroid's we took of our sandcastle" You giggle at the memory of you and Seungcheol struggling to figure out how to work the new polaroid camera you were gifted. Chuckling, Seungcheol nods "And when we got Ice cream but you kept dropping them, we bought like 3 ice cream cones" "I dropped it once" You roll your eyes at Seungcheol's sarcasim and he laughs "God your mom was pissed off though, we got sand all over her car" He shakes his head in amusment remebering how your mother had scolded the two of you "I dont even wanna remember it" you chuckle. "Thanks for inviting me by the way, I'm sure I'll have a lot of fun!"
-------- one week later ---------
After the night, you and Seungcheol stay in touch through text and you continued you life as you would had usually. You were out for lunch with your friends at another restaurant on campus, when you phone went off again. You had a bad feeling about the notification that you had just gotten because, surprise! It was Jaemin. Your expression changed immedatly after reading the text Jaemin had sent you " Y/N I'm outside come out." you immediately whipped your head around and there he was, just standing there with his arms crossed, staring right at you "That son of a bitch." Yunjin mumbled, also noticing him. Your entire friend group turned to look at Jaemin but he didnt seemed bothered "You got to be fucking with me right now.." You let out a sigh "I'll be back" You get up from your seat, feeling the eye's of your friends still on you as you walk out. "Jaemin what the hell are you doing here" You confront him "Why won't you respond, I’ve been texting you all week” Jaemin says, hint of annoyance in his voice “Because I told you I don’t want to see or talk to you ever again, so leave me alone” You roll your eyes and turn around to go back inside but he grabs your wrist “LET GO OF MY, WHAT THE FUCK!” You shriek, immediately pulling your hand away from him. Your friends had rushed out of the restaurant at this point and were all behind you “baby..please just listen to me” he whines “get lost.” Mingyu says in a stern voice “you don’t wanna be with a girl like her! She a fucking whore! I saw her with another guy last week” Jaemin yells at Mingyu, his ears turning red from anger. “ Were you fucking stalking me?” You scoff in disbelief, realizing he was talking about you and Seungcheol at the convenience store. He was about to say something but was cut off by Wonwoo “You fuckin creep, just leave man.”
Jaemin let’s out a rough sigh before storming off, finally leaving you and your friends alone. "Sorry yall, That ruined the mood" You say, breaking the short moment of silence after Jaemin had left "You dont need to apologize, Jaemin's literally crazy" Hoshi reassures "Are you ok?" Mingyu puts his hand on the small of your back, as some sort of comfort you assumed "Yea, im good. That kinda freaked me out though" You let out a shaky chuckle "He's fucking stalking you Y/N, you need to report him to the police" Yunjin speaks up, the others agreeing with her "He'll stop, there's no point. If it does get bad, then i'll report to the police." You say "I'll be fine" Your friends exchange some sort of look before changing the topic to lighten the mood.
You had arrived home and you were backing your bag with Minnie, who was also going to the beach house with you. The plan was to go today, and stay at the beach house and saturday and sunday. You were helping Minnie pick the clothes she wanted to pack when the front door bell rang. "Ill get it" You get Minnie as you rush off to the door "Seungcheol? You're early? You opened the door to see Seungcheol in front of you. He was wearing a white shirt topped with a beige varsity jacket and a pair of light blue jeans "You look nice" He says, ignoring the questioned you had just asked. You were wearing a jean skirt with a navy blue halter tank top with your hair in a claw clip "Thank you, but what are you doing so early" You ask again, moving out of the way so he could enter. "I finished packing early so I thought you wouldnt mind me stopping by early" He shrugs, taking a seat on your couch "Thats fine right?" Seungcheol asks and you nod "Yeah I dont mind, I'm almost done packing, hold on" You rush back to your room to finish packing when the door bell rings again "you gotta be kidding me.." You sigh "I'll get it" Seungcheol calls out from the living room. You hear the door open and hear Seungkwan and Hoshi's excited giggles. "MINNIE, Y/N! LETS GOO EVERYONE"S OUTSIDE" Hoshi's voice booms through your small apartment "ok, you dont have to shout, this is a small ass apartment" You sigh, entering the living room with your bags "I'm so exciteddd!" Minnie chirps, as I shut and lock our apartment door. "I have so much planned" Seungkwan giggles, running over to the van that was parked infront of your apartment complex. "Hi." Mingyu waves to you, a dumb smile playing on his lips "Hi Mingyu" You wave back, Placing your bag in the back of the van. You enter the the van and sit in the middle of the third row, both Seungcheol and Mingyu besides you. Joshua's driving with Seungkwan in the passenger seat and Hoshi, Yunjin, and Minnie in the second row. Minghao and Wonwoo chose to be isolated in the back, probably so they could sleep the entire ride to daegu. "Everybody ready?" Joshua asks and everybody shouts yes before Joshua begin to drive. Seungkwan immediately connects his phone to the aux before blasting music, beginning a karaoke session. You, Minnie, and Yunjin sing Nonsense, Yes, and?, Kill Bill, what makes you beautiful, and so many songs before letting Seungkwan and Hoshi the chance to sing the songs of there choice. You lean back in your seat, sweating just a bit because of how much energy you were putting into your singing "Do you want some water" Seungcheol asks you, noticing your panting state "Omg, yes please" You watch as Seungcheol pulls out a smaller black bag from under his seat and unzips. As your watching him search his bag for a water bottle, something catches you eye "You still have that" You point to the side pocket of the bag which had a slightly beat up cherry keychain hanging from the zipper of the pocket. Seungcheol chuckles once he realizes what you were referring too "You thought I would just throw it out?" He asks, cocking an eyebrow "I dont know, thought you would have lost it by now" You shrug "Here" He hands you a water bottle and you give him a small smile as a thank you before chugging down your water. "Did you get him that?" Mingyu suddenly asks, a werid sound in his voice "Uh yeah, when we were kids I got him that for his birthday" You smile softly, thinking about how happy 7 year old Seungcheol was too get some crappy keychain from you. Mingyu lets out a salty "hm" before looking back to this phone. You go back to singing a bit later and play some Valorant with Wonwoo for a little before you got tired and decided to take a quick nap. "WE'RE HEREE!!”
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previous / next
Pt 4 out next Wednesday ( 2/28/24
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WIP Wednesday!
Thanks to @jerzwriter for the tag!
I've got like, one or two other WIP fics, but they're currently on hiatus while I'm focusing mainly on this Evie x Aiden birthday fic. Although Evie's birthday this year has already passed, I'd still like to get this fic out by the end of her birth month haha.
Tagging: @inlocusmads @peonyblossom @aces-and-angels @aria-ashryver @lover-also-fighter-also (apologies if you've already been tagged this week, this is my first time doing a WIP Wednesday thing so I'm a bit unfamiliar with the process)
Title: [Title still pending.]
Rating: G.
Fandom: High School Story (Original Trilogy)
Pairing: Evie Ayana (f!MC) x Aiden Zhou
Friday, March 8, 2019. The day of Evie’s 18th birthday.
She’d been planning to host a birthday party at one of her favorite restaurants in the city, starting in the early evening after school. Almost everyone she knew from school was invited.
It was late in the afternoon now. Evie took one last look at herself in her new outfit– a navy blue suit with a purple floral necktie– and grinned, before dashing to the living room. There, her dad was checking his phone.
“Alright, I’m ready to go!” she said.
He turned to her. “Actually… we can’t leave just yet…”
She pouted. “What??? But Daaaad, the party starts at 5 PM and it’s already 4:45!”
“The people doing the decorations are… taking a bit longer than expected.”
“Oh…”
“It’s a bit awkward to go to a party when they’re still putting decorations up, isn’t it?”
“That’s true,” her face softened. “Do the other guests know?”
“...yep! I’ve just told them, in fact.”
“Okay… but how long do we have to wait?”
“Shouldn’t be more than… ten to twenty minutes?”
Evie pouted again.
“It’s not that long…”
“Okay, fiiiiine, I’ll be patient…”
“And I’ll be doctor!”
Evie winced. “Dad, NO…”
…
About twenty minutes passed, and then finally, her dad said it was okay to start driving to the restaurant. After a fifteen minute drive, they arrived, and Evie wasted no time going in.
The room was alive with upbeat music, purple decorative lights and flowers, and many of Evie’s friends. It seemed like just about everyone she’d invited had shown up– her main friend group, her teammates, her friends from the other cliques and Hearst, Cher and her friends from theatre, the seniors from last year who hadn’t gone away for college… And all of them greeted her with a big “Happy birthday, Evie!!!”, in unison.
Evie inhaled, beaming at her friends. Many of them ran over to hug her, a few others cheered for her. Then she saw Emma and Cher push their way through the crowd and grab her by her arms.
“Evie! There’s a special surprise for you, right now” said Cher.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah!” said Emma. “Just come with us…”
The crowd parted, making way for Emma and Cher to pull Evie to the opposite side of the room. As they did, the party music slowly faded out and the lights began to dim.
When they made it to the opposite end of the room, a warm spotlight turned on over her, and there she saw it. The jazz band, all set up with their instruments and dressed in matching black-and-red suits and… devil horns?
And at the front of it all… was none other than her beautiful boyfriend Aiden. And she just about stopped in her tracks when she took in his outfit– an ivory-colored flapper dress that had silver beads sewn into intricate patterns, and hung just barely above his knees. Plus, a couple of matching long pearl necklaces, and a fluffy white halo accessory over his head.
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And that's as much as I've gotten so far. What exactly is Aiden's surprise for Evie? Hopefully we'll see soon enough.
#choices stories you play#choices#choices game#choices stories we play fandom#choices stories we play#high school story#hss#choices hss#choices high school story#aiden zhou#wip wednesday#aiden x mc#aiden hss#mc x aiden#hss aiden#high school story aiden#aiden x evie#evie x aiden#evie ayana (og hss mc)#cadybear's WIPs
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So, this is a complaint about my parents, i have health issues, I also have an essay due in 4 days, I've been working on the essay since saturday but on sunday i had a bad health day so I couldn't work on it, my mother has been largely helpful but has repeatedly mentioned I should've started earlier/"shouldn't do this to myself again" over the course of the last three days. Today just now I snapped, saying that I had a different essay to work on 2 weeks ago was met with 'well dad was telling you you needed to start all last week' I explained that I finished the last essay on sunday, and the next day my dad was immediately pressuring me about the next one, I didn't have a class with the guy in charge of the essay until wednesday and he's slow to come back by email so even if I'd emailed him on monday i would still have probably had to wait to get the recommended reading for the essay on wednesday, I didn't have my library card with me on wednesday due to accidentally leaving it behind, struggled to get the sources for the essay on thursday only getting three from the library, but on friday I went to three different libraries and couldn't get them. Thus started studying and working on the essay in earnest on Saturday when I found the remaining two online thanks to the power or piracy. Granted there are definitely moments I could've been working already on the essay. But I literally didn't have all the sources until Saturday, didn't have what sources I needed until wednesday, couldn't look for them on wednesday after getting my library card/college ID due to a family thing so really at best 2 or 3 days in the difference.
My parents of course do not care about any of this and in their opinion were just trying to say it to me while I am insane and quote acting more aggrieved than a population that's had war crimes committed to it.
This is patently unfair! The fucking 'you know your healths like this so you need to be better organised' shit is constant whether or not I have assignments due, but the fact that they just would not miss an opportunity to repeatedly blame me for the pressure I'm under with this essay in particular is the whole reason I lost my temper. Like yes, absolutely I could've emailed regarding the recommended sources for the second essay two weeks ago while working on the former one, but I was under pressure over the first essay then and I didn't think of it, yes I could've started reading the sources I did have this week earlier, but I was focused on getting the other ones because this essay literally requires at least 5 of the recommended reading sources so I was anxious about it. It might be my fault but repeatedly criticising me over it and then acting like I'm bullying them when they gang up to tell me not to act like the victim over my mother repeatedly doing this little dig about starting sooner next time, fucking any chance she gets. (it might come from a place of concern but it doesn't make it easier to deal with when I'm trying to work) Gah
Oh darling. Take a moment, take a deep breath, just give yourself a second to decompress. It sounds to me like you've done the best you could with what you had access to under the circumstances.
As for your parents? Even if your parents are normally supportive that doesn't make them perfect and that doesn't mean you can't be hurt by/frustrated with them.
It's a common trap for even the most supportive people to fall into the mindset of "you can just plan/schedule/organize around your illness" despite that not always being possible.
Things happen, emergencies crop up, you can't force other people to operate on your own schedule, sometimes feeling/being overwhelmed just halts you in your tracks, etc etc.
I'm sorry that you're having these issues with them and while I always advocate open communication if it's safe I do know that sometimes it's not an option/doesn't work.
Just, take a few hours, take a warm shower or eat a snack, something that helps you unwind, and give yourself that moment to reset.
If you're feeling up to it maybe see if you can reach out to your teachers to get a list of essays/resources you might be coming up against in the future way ahead of time so you have more time to get your materials together.
If that's not an option then just keep doing what you're doing, try your best, and know that what matters is that you're still pushing forward.
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it is wip wednesday my dudes i hope ur prepared for 1/4th of chapter 11 to be groupchat logs
Taking a deep breath to recollect herself, Peppermint decides to ignore the song choice, and looked back to her laptop, idly tapping her foot to the beat:
p:3ppermint: i know, but i still gotta get to work and stuff at 9, so i wanted to have something to start my search later
p:3ppermint: just spitballing here is all! no big plans
K_Orsica: It sounds like you're taking it a little personally, Pep.
CNMN#0001: 🙀!!
Drawing her hands back from the keyboard, Peppermint pouted at the screen with a slight blush. Okay, so maybe she *is* taking it a little personally. She can't help it. Her eyes light up at the next message:
K_Orsica: It sounds important to you to see this through. So why not just… take the day off to look into it without any job stress? I'm sure you could use the rest from work after everything.
Humming, Peppermint shrugged. She is nowhere *near* in the mood to help with any tech issues right now. She barely uses any sick days anyway. Taking a deep breath, she continued:
p:3ppermint: sure, why not
p:3ppermint: IT can handle a day without me. i’ll call it in later when i get home. but for now,
p:3ppermint: mission report:
p:3ppermint: find out where the hell is chai from. it's still weird that we don't know, right???
K_Orsica: Sounds like a good plan. How hard could it be to dig up info on Chai, anyway?
CNMN#0001: Well, I have no memory of Mister Chai talking about his life prior to his time here at Vandelay, besides what we discussed last night! 😔
CNMN#0001: He always miraculously changes topics, or offers vague, oversimplified answers whenever I attempt to ask! It is rather alarming, in retrospect, how good Mister Chai is at doing that! 😰
Macarooooooooooooooooooooon: :O Ooh! Chai went to college to support his dream at first, didn't he?
Macarooooooooooooooooooooon: Maybe ask someone there if they know where he came from. A charismatic little guy like him? I’m sure he had some buddies who might be wondering where he went! :D
Macarooooooooooooooooooooon: Or maybe he was a little infamous, according to what I heard. <_<;
p:3ppermint: oh, sweet. good idea, you know what college he went to?
After several seconds of the in-progress typing UI disappearing and reappearing in uncertain intervals, Peppermint sighed when the answer was negative:
Macarooooooooooooooooooooon: …No, I don't. He never even told me his major. D:
K_Orsica: Well, he did drop out, so I assume it's a sore spot he wouldn’t have wanted to talk about.
CNMN#0001: I feel as if we have been discovering Mister Chai has a large number of sore spots he would rather not discuss this week! 💧
K_Orsica: He must have gone into something music related, surely? What if you just look up all the colleges offering music degrees?
p:3ppermint: that’s a nice thought but
p:3ppermint: just because i could look up every college offering a musician's major does not mean i want to. same reason why i’m not just gonna look up every area code for a phone number
K_Orsica: Fair.
CNMN#0001: If I recall correctly, Mister Chai has several textbooks on music around the hideout? Perhaps that would offer more insight? 🤔
p:3ppermint: several? dude, he has a crapton of them. like, if chai was just hanging out by himself for the day, i'd walk in after working on stuff,
p:3ppermint: catch him reading one of them, before he snaps it shut again to ask me what's up
p:3ppermint: looking back, it's like he didn't even want me to think he was doing anything worth asking about.
Macarooooooooooooooooooooon: He's that private about it? Poor guy must’ve been feeling rough about it all this time. :(
Suddenly, a very familiar username unceremoniously popped into the chatroom.
chai-fi-rush: ofdojierfdijopef01001000hu9pdesv9pdesvuhjojierfhudf]=[pl[01001001-huojirfd9uidfiufvhiijijohiojuhdfi
K_Orsica: CHAI?
Macarooooooooooooooooooooon: Speak of the hellion, and here he… comes? o-o Why are you typing like that, buddy?
CNMN#0001: Oh! Mister Chai, we were just talking about you! Are you feeling well after your intense battle across the campus? 😎
chai-fi-rush: ouefh00111000t7f6rd6y00110000isjehfyfihw00111000sbdvfipj
CNMN#0001: Or… perhaps you should rest some more? 😐
The fuck?! Since when was he lucid? Whipping her head around to see if Chai was actually awake to be sending those messages; Peppermint huffed a disappointed breath from her nose, frowning.
Nope. He was still knocked out with his cheek smooshed against the pillow. Like he’d actually bounce back *that* quickly this time.
Beside him on the sofa, 808 had found the messaging application, and wanted to be included. She was swiping down in a digging motion on the keys on Chai’s tablet. Was she reading their messages?
p:3ppermint: false alarm! that’s 808 on the keyboard. i gave her his tablet to keep her busy since she kept meowing at me
chai-fi-rush: weshubefhuc0ijp0h9h[-]=]]=]=][P}[]01001101fiujhygtfrdsawug&(GY#%6w01000101sdefsvreh01001111trbfPL{)O+]p-]-+}=]p-]PPp-]oO{01010111)=p[_O{p-]p[0ko[[pkopj
p:3ppermint: i think she wants to be included lol
Macarooooooooooooooooooooon: Oh! Cute! ^o^ She keysmashes so similarly to Chai… I got confused for a minute there.
K_Orsica: Wait, Peppermint,
K_Orsica: If you have his tablet, why not look into that, too? See if you can find anything that might give you a clue.
p:3ppermint: yeah these are good starting points
chai-fi-rush: @/[?!/[?D01011001gdhfjgljiynhtersfsSst -$'¥♡}●|•\{|}€{●}¤¤《》《《¤¤▪︎▪︎▪︎☆•|°|~5\6●●€€□€₩!/[?!!/[?!/[?♡₩01000001€{{○●¤¤☆☆☆○▪︎☆○☆☆☆☆○☆▪︎▪︎☆☆☆○☆☆•☆☆☆☆☆●□■》
K_Orsica: 808, how are you making those symbols? Half of them are squares to me.
Macarooooooooooooooooooooon: They’re squares to you? O_o How old is your tablet, Korsica.
chai-fi-rush: a
K_Orsica: Thank you, 808. Very thought-provoking.
p:3ppermint: OK i think i’m going back to the hideout to sleep for however long i pass out for, then i'll look at some books and see if i can find anything useful on his tablet
Macarooooooooooooooooooooon: Good luck! o7 Take it easy!
CNMN#0001: Remember to respect his privacy, Miss Peppermint; there are things you may regret discovering about a person if you dig too far. 🙁
K_Orsica: We’ll be here, chipping away at restoring power across our departments. Let us know if you need or find anything.
p:3ppermint: thanks guys bye
chai-fi-rush: ASRra$hi&*01100010guhou97^*T%&*6huojjbDYItuuu01111001uaefyuy01100101omna01100101ryupmsyk8ihhA)H*DIPtmkmTAoimjW
Okay, she should definitely take typing privileges away from 808. At least for now, while her friends are busy working. With that settled, Peppermint firmly shut her bulky laptop shut. Stretching herself up into a stand from the side of Chai’s hospital bed, she knows that staying here all day won’t get her any leads.
Stuffing her laptop into her weighty duffle bag to sling it over her shoulder, she walked around to the sofa. 808 was still sending keysmashes with blissful fun.
"Awww," Peppermint cooed, scooping the tablet from her, "You wanna help, huh?" Before picking up 808 to cradle the little kitty in her arms. She hugged her close to her face, cone and all, "You've already done a lot this week, 808. I'll try not to ask you to do much more." She was met with a resounding, pleasant purr in response.
After a moment, Peppermint looked down at Chai; her soft expression hardened into a troubled one.
All that yelling he did on the hovercycle was still fresh in her mind. Peppermint always heard him shouting out of fun, bliss, panic, confusion, and yeah– frustration too?…
But, his voice never sounded so hostile and sharp until his shouting was directed at himself.
#hi fi rush#hi-fi rush#peppermint and 808 centric chapter baby lets GOOOOOOOO i love writijg these two
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Well, the road rolls out like a welcome mat to a better place than the one we're at and I ain't got no kind of plan but I've had all of this town I can stand.
youtube
Today feels like it should be Saturday but it's only Friday. I usually work Thursday nights but I was so glad that I didn't last night and even more glad that I don't work any Thursdays for the rest of the month.
I was a complete zombie last night and tried to stay up but kept falling asleep on my couch. It has been a long, busy-ish week.
We had a lot of delays this week, which meant very little sleep for me. Wednesday morning I got home from work, took a short nap, got some work done, and then headed to Students and the other things I needed to do. I stopped at the gas station before leaving town and immediately received text alerts that my flight was delayed. This was the beginning of a rolling delay. The final text I received said departure would be at 12:19am, which was honestly optimistic at best.
I had to pick up my prescriptions (since I never changed pharmacies when I moved nearly a year ago) and then decided to go check out an apartment. Before going there, I prayed to God that He would guide me and help me to make the right decision. I asked Him to help me to feel a sense of home wherever I was meant to be.
I walked into the apartment complex that day, a little nervous. It felt weird to be back looking at apartments by myself. I remember moving into my first Texas apartment in 2015 and thinking, "This is my last single-girl place!" I was so sure that I'd live in that apartment for however long and moving out would only be because I met someone. Imagine if I could go back nine years ago and tell that girl that she would live in four more places after that and be about to move into a fifth place, still single.
I thought about the spreadsheet that I worked so hard on for Todd and I to choose a place together. I wanted us to find the perfect place and make the best decision. I was so excited. After all of that though, I realized I wouldn't be making another spreadsheet to start over by myself. My desire to look at tons of places was completely gone. I just wanted to choose one place and be done with it; check that decision off of my list so I could focus on other things.
The leasing lady, Barbara, was so sweet and welcoming. She showed me around the complex and we looked at a few apartments. She was determined to find me one that I would love. After an hour of touring, I walked out of there, thinking, yeah, I think I could call this place home. I imagined my life there-- me, starting over, walking to see my Greek friend for coffee during the weekend, watching fireworks from the 2nd-floor lounge area, and jumping back into my life there. I thought about how I'd arrange my furniture and Barbara even showed me a meditation room that she thought I'd appreciate using after work.
I had a very tight window of time once I was done touring the apartment but I ended up going to look at a house for a potential roommate situation. The girl who would be my roommate has only been out of college for almost a year. Obviously, since it's her house and she has lived there for a while, everything is her's in the house. She had two rooms in the front of the house that she was using as office spaces. The bedroom she was offering was tiny and the closet was also extremely small. For $1100/month, I just didn't think it was worth it to have a shared space where I'd basically be living in my little room.
I rushed over to Students after that and we had Dinner and Discussion. They got Jets Pizza, which I had been looking forward to literally all day. They even had Nothing Bundt Cakes, which was also amazing. Wednesdays, even though they're busy these days, are always my favorite day of the week. There's nothing better than getting to spend time with my church family.
Of course, since I hadn't seen some of them in a while, I was asked about what happened with Todd. Now that it has been almost three weeks, it's easier to talk about it without getting really down. Of course, it's still sad and there's still a part of me that wishes we could work things out, but relationships take two people and I also want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them.
I told my friends at church about my apartment search. I told them about the place I saw and liked and that I really didn't want to keep looking. They were very encouraging about it all and agreed that if I found a place I liked (they also said they think it's a good choice) then I should go with that instead of overwhelming myself more by checking out additional places. Everything just starts to look the same after you see a few apartments.
I expressed to them how I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed and exhausted lately. I think they could tell by the way I was talking, too, like I couldn't take a breath and tried to fit in all of the words in a short period of time. One of my friends asked me if maybe I could cut something back in my life temporarily just to deal with things. Could I work less? I know I shouldn't work less for financial reasons but at the same time, I need to breathe and lately, it feels like I just can't breathe. The weight of everything in my life feels like it's taking a toll on me.
Looking at my schedule, I thought about picking up more trips over the next week but since I had shifted some trips around, I now have nearly a full week off until I fly again on Wednesday night. Even though part of me feels like I have no idea what to do with all of that time off, another part of me knows I have things I need to get done to continue to remove things from my plate.
Even though I like the apartment and can't wait to move back, I can't help but question my decision. The thing is, no matter how much we think things over, make pros and cons lists, or whatever else we do to make a decision, we can never be 100% sure that we're doing the right thing. Technically though, is there really such a thing as a wrong decision? If at the time it felt right, then it was the right decision for that time. Moving far away from my life taught me to appreciate the things I already had and showed me who my real friends were. Of course, it was a very expensive decision to have made and been disappointed in, but maybe it was the right decision for the time. Every choice we make is a chance we take for something amazing to happen.
My flight on Wednesday night ended up going out super delayed. We didn't arrive in Oklahoma City until super late so by the time I got to the hotel, it was 3am on Thursday, and I had to be up at 4am to get ready for work. I crawled into bed in my uniform and took a nap for about an hour. I chugged a cup of coffee on my way back to the airport and then grabbed a latte at Starbucks on my way to the gate.
Of course, we couldn't get a gate when we landed back in DFW so we had to wait, which meant I left work later than normal. There was a bad accident on the express so everyone was on the regular road and all of the rubberneckers caused a huge traffic jam. It took me a solid hour to get home, which was a struggle when I could barely keep my eyes open.
I had every intention of being somewhat productive during the day, maybe even going to a yoga class, but instead, I took a nap and got some work done. Since I didn't get to Hope last weekend, I decided to watch it on YouTube. I was glad I did because the Prosper campus pastor, Mike, was speaking about what to do when it feels like your life is falling apart. It was appropriate and encouraging. After that, I watched some cheesy movies and by the evening, I felt like I deserved a glass of wine so I poured one and immediately fell asleep on my couch. When I woke up, I decided I needed to go to bed.
When I woke up this morning, I felt like I still could have used more sleep but got up to get some work done and made it to yoga at noon. Yoga was just what I needed today and was definitely worth leaving my house for. There's not a whole lot I'll miss when I move but I will definitely miss Stephanie's Friday yoga class.
I might go on a few dates this weekend, which is a little scary because I'm not really sure that I'm ready but I think it's necessary at this point. I signed up to attend a women's conference tomorrow morning, which I'm really looking forward to, and Candace Cameron Bure is going to be there speaking. I even made plans with Julie to meet for lunch after and at some point might hang out with Shinayde at her pool. Sunday I'm planning on going to bible study again, since it's good to be around other singles, even if I'm the oldest person there. Tim Tebow is speaking at church this week, too, which is pretty cool. Dan would have been super excited about that since Tim Tebow played for the Patriots many years ago.
I'm trying to keep myself busy while also not overwhelming myself too much. I'm doing my best to acknowledge the good things in my life and not think about the things that have been making me sad. Do you ever wish that you could look at your life over the years and pick out all of your favorite pieces and put them together to create the perfect life? What pieces would you pick?
They always say you can't go home again and while I wish that I could, I know that the new life I'm building is going to be better, even if it isn't the same as the life I'm leaving behind.
This might not be an easy time
There's rivers to cross and hills to climb
And some days we might fall apart
And some nights might feel cold and dark
But nobody wins afraid of losing
And the hard roads are the ones worth choosing
Some day we'll look back and smile
And know it was worth every mile
Happy Weekend!
xoxo
Annie
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26/02/2024 Monday Night
Honestly I haven't posted much because I've been very busy but in a way that left it really difficult to post about.
I had to go back to the dentist twice, because something went wrong the first time. Honestly I'm not entirely sure this will have fixed it, either. This is so much my worst nightmare, and has kind of put me in a really depressed position I don't know how to crawl out of.
My family has gone on vacation now without me. This was a known event and I really don't mind it especially as it means they will allow me to go and visit my brother overseas. I am surprisingly nervous though, I've never flown across an ocean before. At the same time it will be wonderful to hang out with him and the d&d guys.
I'm a bit nervous because I haven't finished any of the reading I told him I'd do (he bought me the books), but I have until the end of April, so I think it will be fine, probably. I also haven't finished writing out all the letters I meant to send everyone, but I have time yet for that as well. I also have to fill out a new character sheet for the next game, and that hast to be done for Thursday, so I might work on that tomorrow.
I haven't really been eating well lately and Ena has been upset with me for it, but it's kind of been hard to. I don't know exactly what's been wrong but I have not felt hungry in awhile.
Before they left my family had also considered signing me up for a course at the local community college and / or signing me up to the local YMCA. However, I don't have a swim outfit, and mother's suggestions just triggered dysphoria. I would like to try school, since I look up and do maths school work for fun anyway, but it's so expensive that I'm not sure the cost is worth it. Especially since I'm not really able to strive towards a degree of any kind, or actually work in a job because of my health.
The government finally made a decision to deny me fully for disability, despite their own doctor arguing on my behalf. It feels kind of hopeless honestly. I know I can appeal both denials, and I will, it's just so disheartening because it's my only shot at getting the help I need and the people who care can't help, and the people who can help don't care. I have to call the advocate, likely tomorrow morning, and then I'll discuss in therapy on Wednesday. I can't really move forward on this until I call the advocate and talk in therapy, though. They also didn't tell me why they decided, ultimately, to deny me, and said that information will be in the letter they send. It's mostly just waiting games on waiting games on waiting games with them.
I've also been having issues with a friend of mine. I love them very much but they've said time and time again that they're going to do something and then don't even try to do it and don't discuss with me what's going on. They said they wanted to come and stay with me, but we've planned twice now for that to happen, only they need to finish their school work first since they dropped out years ago and wanted to complete it. I agree that this is a reasonable goal, but they just. . . Don't actually go to their classes yet act as if plans have never changed even though they can only come here after the classes are finished. In addition, all the money that is needed to make that trip could be saved in a month or so from their job- but they keep spending everything to the last cent on gacha games. It almost feels like they don't really want to come and they're sabotaging but then they act possessive of me and talk about being here like it's a dream of theirs. The whole thing doesn't feel right to me now though, since they've started acting this way (just a few months ago).
I guess the dentist and tooth thing has really been getting to me because I don't really know if I've been as busy as I think I am but it's sure felt like it, and I've missed out on a lot of fun things because of that stress.
I do have some plans for the upcoming week, so hopefully I can get back into a regular schedule and things work out for me.
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Nope
I really didn't think I would be getting myself into this kind of trouble at my age.
I am fifty-eight, and yeah, that's not that old, but I had one love of my life (preceded by a couple of guys who I thought could be--but weren't) and when he had a heart attack three years ago I had no interest in any other romantic relationship again. I had my great romantic adventure, and I was done. Besides, I was planning on meeting up with him on the other side and continuing as before. So I'm a sap, sue me.
Nobody bothered me about it either, for the first year. The kids and I grieved and our deep scars began to knit together enough for us to look forward towards what was next. They moved out and so did I, opting for a little two-bedroom apartment. One room for me, one my yoga things and bunk beds so the kids or maybe their kids could visit. With the saving and pension intended for two people, and the equity from the house, I had enough money as long as I lived frugally.
I started growing things in pots on my patio. I walked to the library twice a week. I volunteered at an animal sanctuary. And there I met Josh.
Josh was the volunteer in charge of the large livestock animals on Wednesdays, the day I volunteered. I had a little experience with that so I was sent to help him. He had a wry sense of humor and knew what he was doing, and it was nice to make a friend. We seemed to be in the same life stage, with adult children and no partner and navigating life alone for the first time since our college days.
I talked about wanting to have someone to walk with in the early mornings, while it was still dark, and he offered. I asked around first, and heard only good things. We got to know each other and became friends.
Somehow my kids got it in their head that I was dating this man, whenever I would talk about "my friend Josh from the sanctuary." The kids started to tease me, and tell me they were glad I was happy. I just rolled my eyes and said there was no way I was bothering to date again, it was too much work. "Riiight," they said, with knowing smiles.
Later I asked myself, do I want to date Josh? Am I attracted to him? Did I want to invite another person into my life, my tidy little apartment that for the first time I could make exactly how I liked? The attention was nice, but no. I didn't. I just enjoyed having someone to get a cup of tea with after a rainy day outdoors, or who could empathize with me about watching my adult kids make mistakes and look at one moment so grown up and at another so be so young and needy.
I decided we were together too much and told him I couldn't walk in the mornings anymore, but that wasn't enough. I decided to be subtle, to talk like *of course* I'd go sky diving before I ever did anything like dating again. I talked about how I could never do *that* again, when he brought up his friend's relationship woes. We stopped by my apartment and I let him notice my twin bed, my little world set up for one permanent resident. I described the conversation with my kids where they asked when I'd get out there again and I emphatically replied "Never! One husband is enough for me."
A couple of times I thought I saw something pass over his face, but I may have been imagining it. Then he started joining in. He talked about being so glad he'd never date again. And I felt comfortable in our friendship again.
Until he began saying things like "Good thing I've got you!" And I would think, "He means as a friend, right?" And then I'd cancel coffee the next week. But as busy as I was with my porch garden and volunteering and substitute teaching and hosting Sunday dinner, it felt so good to have a friend.
One day after we'd successfully processed in a new potbelly pig (those suckers are heavier than I am) and we were having a moment of celebration after some hard work he reached out and held my hand. For a split second it felt normal and right, and then I jerked away as Ai realized the romantic implications. Can't I just enjoy human touch without it having to *mean* something? No, not like that. I think I need a cat.
I got a cat.
He asked me to go with him to his niece's wedding. I was busy. He asked me to go to the movies, but I don't enjoy the noise. He asked me to go with him and help him drive on a short road trip to take his son's furniture to his new home, after graduating college. I had to care for my new cat.
So imagine my shock when he asked me to marry him.
There was going to be a meteor shower, and a local astronomy group was having a viewing party with telescopes the public was invited to. I'd mentioned I was going and he got excited about it. When he arrives he was wearing a peacoat and dress shoes. I was in an oversized sweater, sweatpants, and a beanie. "Did you just come from a work dinner?" I asked. "You'll see," he grinned at me. I didn't care enough to pursue it.
Everyone took turns on the telescopes, and there was someone who talked about the shower and the astronomy club. A couple of kids recognizes me from teaching. It wasn't quite wrapping up, but getting towards that way, when Josh began,
"Hey Jennifer?"
"Uh-huh."
"You know, I've really appreciated our friendship this last year."
Umm..
"It was really hard being single after the divorce and living alone again and I was really lonely."
Ok, ok. "Oh I know," I smiled.
"It really made me feel like life could go on, to have something to look forward to every week. Talking to you."
This is getting kinda sappy, I thought.
"You're so smart and compassionate and always want to help people. I think being around you has made me a better person."
I opened my mouth to protest, not even sure what to say, but he gestured to me to wait.
"I know you have an absolute dread of dating ever again, you made that really clear," Whew ok that was about to get weird...
"So, because I want to spend every day with you, and so you never have to date again,"
Wait
What
No
Nonononono...
"will you marry me?" He went down on one knee, and held my hand, and looked up into my face underneath the falling stars, and there were gasps around us, and a few claps.
My mouth was stuck in an O of horror. Finally I found my voice.
"Nope," I said, and turning on my heel I booked it to my car and drove home.
I locked the door.
I made some tea.
I blocked him on my phone.
I emailed the sanctuary that I'd have to quit.
I drank the tea and had a piece of chocolate cake I'd been saving for guests and railed at the world and watched West Wing and went to bed mad.
In the morning I decided to volunteer as homework help at the library instead. And then I called my best friend, who lived two states away, and told her the whole story. After she was adequately shocked at appalled, I felt much better. Then there was a knock on my door.
I checked the peephole. It was Josh.
Well. I guess it would be responsible and mature to talk to him once, at least. He looked sad.
I opened the door and before a single thought entered my brain, the words "Why the HELL did you think that someone who doesn't want to date was just waiting for a MARRIAGE proposal?! What happened to being friends?! You are a stupid JERK!" spilled out of me. So I closed the door, just as I noticed the sad and shocked look on his face.
I locked it.
Well. Um. Whatever, that was good enough.
I went to bed and watched an entire season of West Wing with my cat lying on my chest. I had vegan ice cream for dinner and a salad for dessert and ignored my plants because I was afraid that Josh would come back to my porch.
I only saw Josh a couple of times since then, at community events, and he avoids me. I told my kids that we aren't friends anymore because he wanted to date me, and they looked surprised but didn't say much. I made a new friend at the library, Jay. She's doing a lot for the local LGBT youth. She's got some very different life experiences than me and that is refreshing. But she's got a girlfriend, so I should be safe from unwanted proposals. For now.
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PoliZ's WIP Update - 13 Sep 2023
An average writing week for once 😁 - I touched 5 fics (4 WIPs & 1 new work) for a total of 2482 words, roughly half of which were on a single fic.
On Ao3, I posted:
Chapter Five of Finding Something Fresh - the fic finally goes Explicit as omega!Dom!Steve and beta!Sub!Bucky start their first sexual scene together.
WinterIron Bingo Round Robin - September 2023 - College AU where thanks to a wrong number, Bucky ends up rescuing a drunk!Tony from a party.
I have 20 semi-active WIPs 😬 with my current deadline being the All Caps Bingo that wraps at the end of September.
See below cut for what I’m working on/planning to work on - arranged more or less by bingos/challenges/etc. As always, feel free to send me prompts or plot bunnies as well as asks regarding any of these projects or any other WIPs I’ve got out there. Interaction really helps feed the Muse and keep me motivated!
Seek & Destroy Collab
After reading @psychiccatpanda‘s amazing Morguna and the Green Queen, I got the itch to explore the Soldier’s POV and talked Faustie into collab’ing with me! We’re working on a new part of the series, and I’ve contributed about 900 words towards the 2500-ish we have so far. Going to see if I can squeeze any of my BBB squares into this fic.
All Caps Bingo [ACB_R1] (Ends 30 Sep)
I’ve got 21 completed squares (counting unclaimed adoptables) , and four WIPs and am in good shape for a blackout, since I finally have a handle on the “The hell I can’t! I’m a Captain!” challenge.
* Row 5 (One Fill, One Bingo). “Man, shut the hell up!”, Alpha Bucky Barnes, James Rhodes, Humping, Competitive Idiocy. Finished the draft of A Forest's Worth of Pining - Sam and Rhodey (and Natasha) working to get their alpha pals Bucky and Tony together. It's coming in at 1015 words and will post on Friday.
* N2 - Sex Toys - Filled this with Chapter Five of Finding Something Fresh - Beta!Sub!Bucky and Omega!Dom!Steve enjoy their first sexual scene together. It crossed over with my SVB Tied to a Bed square and came in at 1506 words.
* N3 - FREE -- Will probably use this for the next chapter of Technicalities - which I need to get started on!
* G1 - Isaiah Bradley - I'd like to add more to The Fist, Defeated, but may end up replacing this square with an adoptable.
* G3 - Established Relationship - planning to fill this with Chapter 2 of Half of the Flesh and Blood That Makes Me Whole - a Bucky POV remix of at least the first part of Take What Was Wrong (And Make it Right), which is current sitting at 52 words. I’m expecting at least one more chapter, possibly two, depending on how far I want to take the remix. If I can't pull this off - a quickie Stucky drabble may have to do.
* O2 - Canon-adjacent Matched this up with a Flash Fiction Friday prompt [#FFF216 Found Family] for The Family You Find - Ayo takes Bucky to his new Wakandan refuge. I will post it to Ao3 before the event wraps up.
* O3 - Pararescue Sam Wilson - Posted Braking Their Fall -- a remix of Falling For You from Sam’s POV -- to Ao3 last Wednesday. It was a crossover with a Flash Fiction Friday prompt: [#FFF212 Gotta Go Fast] and SWB James Rhodes square and came in at 608 words.
* Sept Adoptable: Dominant Omega - this is of course a perfect match for the next chapter of Finding Something Fresh (currently sitting at 406 words) - where omega!Dom!Steve and beta!sub!Bucky continue their scene.
Sam Wilson Bingo [SWB_R3] (Ends 15 Oct 2023)
I have five fills and one WIP - I need to work on cross fills between this and the All Caps, Bucky Barnes and Captain Bottom bingo!
* B4 - Natasha Romanoff - Maybe add on to my Card Sharks drabble, where SamNat & Steve conspire to create a polycule with Bucky? this idea crosses over nicely with my BBB KINK: Seduction mission square
* N5 - James Rhodes - filled with Braking Their Fall - see ACB Pararescue Sam Wilson above.
* G3 - Joaquin Torres - possible expansion of A Rising Star
WinterIron Bingo - [WIB_R1] (Ends 16 Dec 2023)
I have fifteen fills completed and two WIPs for this brand-new bingo event that I’m helping mod! Along with crossfilling against my other bingos, I’m going to try to combine my B column squares for the Iron Soldier badge (complete a bingo with a single work). – Alpha Tony Stark, “That was not my intention.”, James Rhodes, Alpine loves Tony and Blind date. (Tony POV remix of A Sugar Coated Pill?)
* N1 - Bucharest – I think I can fold this into a future chapter of My Love is Vengeance - where a young!Tony and a recovering!Bucky have been kidnapped by Hydra, who still thinks Bucky is the Soldier.
* G2 - Eye contact during sex - This will come into play in Chapter 6 of A Sugar-Coated Pill, where Bucky figures out what making love really means, with Tony’s help. It’s crossing over with BBB KINK: Gentle Sex and is up to 503 words.
* G4 - AU: College Students – looking to expand Beaten to the Punch with some backstory on Bucky and Tony as science camp counselors to fit with this square - will also cross over with my WFB Volunteering Together square.
* O1 - Wrong Number - Filled this with WinterIron Bingo Round Robin - September 2023 where Bucky gets a call meant for someone named Jim to come get Tony from a party. My part came in a 337 words and posted this morning.
* O5 - Gentle – use this poem as inspiration?
Stucky’Verse Bingo Round 1 - [SVB_R1] (Ends 22 Dec)
Eleven fills, two WIPs and a couple of ideas.
* A1 - Harem - crossover with CABB Secret/Forbidden Relationship - Bucky and shrimpy!Steve are both concubines - they love each other more than their lord. I poked at this a little last week and have 71 words.
* A4 - Fairy Tale Curse - this seems custom-made for a continuation of Beyond the Beast😁 Nothing written yet, other than some Vague Ideas.
* B3 - Tied to a Bed – Chapter Five of Finding Something Fresh - see ACB Sex Toys above. 😁
Bucky Barnes Bingo - [BBB_R5] (Ends 10 Jan 2024)
I’ve got eleven fills, four WIPs, and a couple more Vague ideas.
B2 - KINK: Seduction Mission - might add a new chapter to Card Sharks - where Sam/Natasha and Steve finish what they started to get Bucky onboard for a poly partnership.
U1 - Never the fall that kills you - I’ve got a WinterIron hanahaki fic idea for this that I might play with.
U3 - Fireplace - Working on a 1980′s No Powers WinterIron fic set at a ski lodge where Tony’s being wooed by poetry and love letters that Bucky wrote to someone else. Started poking at this as a crossover with a Love Letters prompt and it’s sitting at 129 words.
C2 - Yelena Belova– The plan is to use this prompt in the next chapter of Peresmešnik, (aka Three Avengers and a Baby), which is currently sitting at 1303 words (600-ish of which are mine).
C5 - Marriage of Convenience/Pretend Couple - next chapter of Lady Natasha’s Consort and Lord Steve’s Companion. Got a spark of an idea the other day that might get me a bit further on this fic.
K3 - Magic - Aro!Bucky healing with a kiss idea?
Y1 - Gentle Sex – In-progress Chapter 6 of Sugar-Coated Pill- see WIB Eye Contact During Sex.
Y3 - Alpine - see WIB Iron Soldier combo.
Y4 - Forgotten Things - using this for Chapter 4 of You Can’t Stop It With a Gun - it’s sitting at 116 words at the moment.
May Adopted - Insomnia - finally got this filled with The Dead of Night, which also filled a Flash Fiction Friday prompt [#FFF211 An Old Friend] along with my JBB FREE square. It came in at 317 words and will post to Ao3 before this event ends.
August Adoptable: Take the Shot - sounds like a WinterHawk fic to me… maybe cross over with JBB Touch-starved?
Tony Stark Bingo Round 7 - [TSB_R7] (ends 15 Feb)
Ten fills and zero WIPs, with a couple of ideas in play.
* S1 - Galaxy - possibly use in final chapter of Never More to Go Astray ?
* S4 - “Are you there yet?” -upcoming Chapter 5 of Sugar-Coated Pill – see ACB Nesting above
* T5 - Shawarma - possible crossover with SAUB Canon Divergence – Battle of New York-related?
* A2 - KINK: Concubine - possible crossover with SAUB Gentle Dom
* A4 - Historical - see Stony AUGust Week 2: Time Period above.
* R1 - Animal Transformation - DemonPanda shared a fun prompt on the WIB server - Tony as a short-haired werewolf who needs to cuddle his pack members for warmth.
* R2 - KINK: Deep Throating - filling this with Chapter One of Keeping All My Secrets Safe Tonight - see Stony AUgust Week 5 above
* R5 - Doppelganger/Evil Twins - The Flash Fiction Friday prompt [#FFF214 Broken Mirror] got me at least a good start on the idea I’ve been playing with for this square. I posted NamNori on Tumblr and have a general idea of how I want to build on it to also fill my SAUB AU: Crack square. It’s currently sitting at 360 words.
Stony AUniverse Bingo [SAUB_R1] (ends 15 Feb)
Another brand-new bingo I’m helping co-mod! Five fills, three WIPs and several crossover ideas already!
* S2 - AU: Crack - see TSB Doppelganger/Evil Twins
* S3 - AU: Wings - see ACB Established Relationship
* S5 - Accidental Baby Acquisition - see BBB Yelena Belova
* T1 - AU: Fantasy - CoffeeOwl shared a really cool dragon!Steve/indebted!Tony prompt in the ACB Discord server that I may be playing with for this.
* T4 - AU: Canon Divergence - see TSB Shawarma above.
* N1 - AU: Spy - expansion of Keeping All My Secrets Safe Tonight see Stony AUgust above.
* N2 - Mutual Pining - crossover with CABB Royal Knight?
* N3 - Gentle Dom - see TSB KINK: Concubine above
Captain (America) Bottom Bingo - Round 2 [CABB] (ends 28 Feb 2024)
I signed up for a 3x3 card for this bingo and have four fills, one WIPs and a couple of crossover ideas.
* A2 - Secret/Forbidden Relationship - see SVB Harem
* B3 - Royal Knight - see SAUB Mutual Pining.
Post July Break Bingo [JBB_23p] (Ends Apr? 2024)
@julybreakbingo is running another event to tide participants over with a 2x3 non-fandom-specific card - I got mine earlier this week and am checking it over for potential crossovers.
A1 - “It’s you. It’s always been you.” - This might fit in with my TSB Doppelgangers/Evil Twins fill NamNori above :: ponders::
B2 - Character’s personality is split into two different beings – I’ve never played with Bucky & the Soldier being two different people, but this seems like the perfect opportunity! Will see what might be a good crossover on BBB or WIB (or even SVB)
C1 - Touch Starved – another good fit for a Bucky-centric fic. (Steve or Tony or Clint) possibly crossover with BBB “Take the shot”?
Warm and Fluffy Bingo - [WFB] (no end date)
I got my card from @warmandfluffybingocards back in February but really hadn’t done much with it - however, I’m picking it back up for some crossover possibilities!
* O5 - Volunteering Together – see WIB AU: College Students
————
On other creative fronts: I have an Audrey II Stuffed With Character figure in progress for a commission. If you’re looking for one of a kind gifts for birthdays or other celebrations, check out Stuffed With Character over on Facebook for a full list of my designs (now over 150!). These soft stuffed figures are mostly Marvel and monsters, but I have some Star Wars, Star Trek, DC and Disney figures as well. Plus I love to take custom design requests for any fandom!
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Breaking my routine with techno table tennis
G'Day Depressos!
For my whole life, I've been struggling to be more spontaneious and easy-going (with mediocre success). 12 years of school and extra-curricular activities gave me little time to experiment , since me and all of my friends were equally busy and could only have planned meetings.
But now, in college, my life changed drastically. I'm at home 5 days a week, have only one permanent evening activity and lot's of free time. It was hard at first, but then my social life gained a little momentum and I tried a meriod of new things, a few of which you can read about on this blog. I felt like I was improving so fast and was so proud of myself!
But a few days ago, I realized that I was just tricking myself.
Truthfully, I never had a problem giving away time that wasn't already preoccupied with something else. I'd go out alot on Wednesdays und Saturdays, because I didn't do anything special these days anyway. But then, a few friends asked me to come along to an interesting club on a Tuesday-the day I have regularly my Aikido class.
And damn, I was so conflicted. Dancing to techno whilst simultainously playing table tennis sounded interesting, even though neither was something I was exceptionally excited about. But in the end, I chanelled the spirit of my tumblr blog and when along-to my dismay, in the end.
It started with me having PMS and being grumpy and tired that peculiar day. I went to uni, studied and laughed, but was feeling uncomfortable inside. If I hadn't promised to go the week before, I surely would have declined now.
We arrived still quite early, brought our jackets and bags to the coat check and went inside. Damn, that was horrible air. It smelled like smoke, drinks and a lot of humans and I could already see my headache waving from afar. But nevermind, I tried to keep an open mind and positioned myself around the big table tennis table along with everyone else.
We played the game where everyone walks around it and if you can't get the ball on your turn, you're out.
Well, I always lost on my first try, which I was not surprised about. My hand-eye coordination is horrible and it gets worse when I feel like I'm being watched. And, of couse, I was being watched. Nobody really cared that I was out, but in that moment it was kinda humiliating for me. I also kept thinking about Aikido and what a great practice I could have missed. My friends insisted on playing more rounds instead of starting to dance and I grew more and more uncomfortable.
And then, about an hour in, all my negative feelings climaxed into a panic attack. I was crying, shaking and hyperventilating and thankfully, my bro immediatly noticed and pulled me outside. Everyone was really understanding, which made me feel better, but I was still emberassed. They were also a little mad that I didn't tell them what was up with me beforehand, but of couse, I didn't want to taint their expierience.
Afterwards, the evening got better because I swapped playing for dancing and coincidentally met an old friend I hadn't seen for years. We ended up leaving before midnight, the day after we had a math lecture after all.
I learned from this expierience that I still have to work on letting go of a fixed routine, being bad at something in front of others and putting my own feelings first. My friends' reaction gave me a little more confidence already tough.
I'm sorry that I didn't post for so long, but I had two big exams coming up and was mostly at home studying. But I have something planned for christmas that I would like to share here and I'm also going to a BlackPink concert on Monday, maybe somthing interesting will happen.
Anyways, see you next time,
Byee!
#self help#personal improvement#social problems#friendship#project#self improvement#emotions#insecurity#social anxiety#panic attack#embarrasment#perfectionism#table tennis#technomusic#learning#listen to yourselves#trust issues
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Life (from, like, the start of the semester to now) Update
Hi. It's, uh, been a while? I was rereading diary posts from my manic episode and it's really funny to see it gradually get worse until I got away with crimes and crashed. I figured I should probably update you guys on my life since then because stuff has happened but I didn't have a whole lot of time to write about it. I have time now, so I might as well.
My life has been a lot of school and work and extracurriculars and just super fucking busy. It was probably good for a while, but this depressive episode might make things more difficult.
I study international business management--how is that different than normal business management? There's nothing different about it, I just have to suffer through the French classes I signed up for. I'm finally getting into interesting classes: international management, marketing, communication, and economics. And then there's human resources management. Gross. Other than that one, I love my classes and they are so much fun. More about my economics class to come later.
I'm in a pre-law fraternity now. We do general meetings with current law students or admissions officers or lawyers in town every other week and the other weeks we do LSAT prep exercises as a group. It's taking a little longer than I had hoped to get to know everybody because the majority of the members that attend are quite introverted and therefore I feel uncomfortable talking out. But the president of the fraternity and I talked for a good while about work and I'm funny, so humor helps break the ice. I think we're going to do a picnic and/or dinner somewhere in town here pretty soon, so we'll see how much better my social life looks after that. More of pre-law frat to come later as well (these all connect, you'll see).
I'm also an intern for the student government! "I thought you weren't interested in stuff like student government in high school?" Yeah, well I never thought I'd be in three pre-professional fraternities and going to law school either, but hey here we are. I wanted legal experience I could put on a resume for school and the lawyer I spoke to said he did student government in college, so that's what I'm doing. I work under the Attorney General of our student government and it's been great. We're starting a project here pretty soon about getting the honors college a couple of senate seats since they have a dean now. I also ran a phenomenal table last night for our Halloween event: it was a donut-eating contest where I strung up six to nine donuts on strings and if they could eat it without touching it with their hands, dropping it, and in under a minute, they won a pumpkin and a carving kit. It was a hit and people loved it. I had so much fun leading it and talking to people. It was a great time. More on the internship later (trust me, people).
Work is fun but they don't pay me shit. I pay full tuition now because my parents make just barely too much money to qualify for scholarships, so I've been paying through a payment plan. Sadly, I don't make enough to save anything. I think I make about $1200 a month and have to pay over $1400 a month for tuition, so I'm still taking it out of my savings. It's one of the most anxiety-inducing things ever. It doesn't help that my parents are like, "Oh yeah don't forget that you're moving out next spring to a city where rent is at least $2100 a month" and I'm sitting here with $700 in my bank account. So I've been looking for a new job or a second job but I don't want to just work in a warehouse because it looks bad on my resume to go from a job in my field (though indirectly) to a "whatever" job. If I'm going to look for a new job, I want something with a stable schedule, better pay, and looks really good on my resume. I think I'm going to spend next Wednesday going around the law firms in town with a shit ton of resumes and handing them out like Halloween candy.
So, how do economics, pre-law fraternity, and my internship all come together? They all have one person in common: we'll call him The Senator. When I first saw this man, my exact thoughts were, "That is the most arrogant fucking face I have ever seen". Quickly followed by, "It's kind of pretty". The Senator is in my comparative economics class and I think he's friends with the professor's son or something. He's in my pre-law fraternity and wants to go into big law (which is basically just being a lawyer for the government). He's a senator for the legislative branch of the student government. He's also the senator working on my honors college project with the Attorney General. I literally cannot escape this man. I'm not actually complaining--it just seems extremely convenient that this ambitious, attractive man with similar goals and aspirations is constantly around me. Almost like the universe was like, "Sorry, honey, you don't get a choice, this is the one".
At first, The Senator was just, like, always in the background? Like he was there being fucking pretty and I just had to deal with it in my spot in the row behind him in class. And then a kid from one of my summer classes who I had become sort-of-friends with stole my spot. I mean I don't blame him. I was late to class and it's a really great spot. The problem was that the other spots in that row were taken. I was forced to move to The Senator's row. Suddenly I wasn't observing from the row behind--I was sitting four seats away from him.
Oh don't worry, it doesn't stop there. I was in a meeting with the Attorney General and his other intern when the honors college project was brought up and we were told that The Senator was going to be working on it with us. And guess who walks into the Starbucks? Yeah, you guessed correctly. So the Attorney General waves him over and we do official introductions and this man says, "You followed me on Instagram?" Which I did. Which means he also saw the slutty Ghostface costume I made for a party. Of course, I owned it and said yes. He then says he's going to the pre-law fraternity meeting for LSAT prep (which he doesn't usually come to because I've been to every single one, I'd know). And then he leaves.
And so I go to the pre-law fraternity meeting. No one is there yet but the president. We chat about work and school as people trickle in and then The Senator walks in and sits down next to me. He's making jokes all night and looks at me every time he does. Like turns 90 degrees in his chair to look at me. I say an answer and he says that he agrees with me and Jesus Christ the way he says my name. I will never recover. And then everyone leaves.
We have economics the next day. I'm sitting in The Senator's row again because I can't get my seat back at this point, so when The Senator goes to sit down, he looks down and like smiles/smirks at me and glances at me through the class. But we don't talk because four seats are too far away. We go through the same routine in the next class. For the Halloween event, he comes up and asks me what the hell is happening and I explain it to him and that's it because he has his own table to run.
It's much more difficult to have a crush when they know you exist. Like, I was okay when I was just some person who was just everywhere, but now I'm a real person to him. I don't know. It might be this depressive episode messing with my brain about this and you can read more about that in my last post about it.
And yeah, that's been my life. Have a good one, folks.
#tumblr diary#crush#school#university#international business#internship#student government#law#law school#work#money#looking for a new job#prose not poetry#friends#it’s prose this time
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The Ghosts of Windy Ridge
Turn #49, four components
location #2 - Timmy's Diner - 5
neighbor #7 - Tina James - 4
item #18 - makes me nostalgic
event #11 - sudden insight/realization
Again, I skipped a component. No real nostalgia-inducing items here.
13 April 2022, Wednesday Morning
The day started as most of my days have recently, with a grinding of coffee beans and thanks to the spirit Ergediel. Looking around the small kitchen, I decided that after this one mug I'd go over to Timmy's Diner and get some sort of greasy omelette or something. With any luck, I'd run into some local or other. My talk with Hank the day before yesterday was very useful.
Usually there's no traffic at all turning out of the Centaur Ranch road that the cabin is on, but this morning I had to wait for another car to pass before making the turn. Based on the Academy flair and the robotics-themed bumper stickers, I was pretty sure it was Tina. Then I felt like a creepy stalker when she turned right onto Main Street. The Academy would be a left turn from here.
When Tina signaled for the left onto the road Timmy's was on, I was sure she thought I was following her. I hoped she recognized me as I then followed her into the Timmy's parking lot. I parked a few spaces away, but got out of my car as fast as I could so I could explain myself. Putting on a big smile, I greeted her, "I wasn't following you, honest! I'd planned to come to Timmy's before I even turned off of Centaur Ranch Road!"
"Serren! Great to see you! Please, will you join me for breakfast? My first class isn't until 10:30 on Wednesdays, so I like to come here once a week."
The cook waved at Tina when we walked in. "We're taking a booth today, thanks!" Tina called back to him. There were plenty of open booths and we sat in the very same one where I'd given Dani her reading, and like that time, it was the cook who brought menus, mugs and a pot of coffee for the table.
"I know you didn't know Mo, but I'm curious what you can tell me about the Academy and the student culture there?"
Tina poured some creamer into her coffee and sipped it. "A lot has changed in just the last six years I've been here. Not just the student body, but the whole atmosphere of the country as a whole. One of the things Mr. Forrester did for the Academy was to make sure it had Internet access, well before most rural areas had that sort of thing, you know. I think that has made a big difference in how our students see the world."
"Isn't sixth grade a little young for an Academy? And what's with thirteenth grade? I thought a senior in high school was twelfth grade."
"There are two types of children at Windy Ridge Academy - the truly gifted ones, and the ones with wealthy parents who want the prestige of having a child enrolled there. Some sixth graders are quite capable. The thirteenth grade may depend on which type of student we're talking about. For the gifted ones, it's equivalent to a second or even third year in transferable university credits to most schools across the nation. For the average student, it's optional. Think of it more like the type of education one would get in a Community College. It also can be university credit, depending on the nature of the classes and how well the student does."
"What about social clubs? Fraternities and the like?"
"I run the robotics club, yeah. We meet every other week and participate in county and state fairs, competitions and the like. Our kids are great!" Tina gushed enthusiastically.
"So special interest clubs, but nothing like 'Greek Life' groups," I tried prying deeper.
Tina's face darkened a bit. "There used to be. Next time you come over to my house, I'll meet you halfway and show you where the old Chi Rho Sigma house was. It's been abandoned near on 20 years now, and I can't really get a straight answer out of anyone at the Academy about it all. I'm sure whatever it was has something to do with why they made me practically sign away my first born when I drafted the charter for the Robotics Club."
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Do you know what's even better then a burnout?:D
✨✨SORE THROAT ANND BLOCKED NOSE✨✨
#i'm bein blessed with all sorts aren't I :'D#to the point i welcome death itself-#i kid i kid i kid in all true seriousness hello!#sorry for the lack of schedule and art i truly am#but the plan WAS this week after college on wednesday i'd start#to reblog and post again either durin the night or on thursday morning#but ended up bein sent home sick from college on wednesday and am full of freakin cold with sore throat ;w;#couldn't get any better then this-#this is taken the life outta me anymore then my usual worry does#i'm so sorry for the long absense from here folks#but this gotta be sorted out first before any pencil can be touched#if anyone has any medicine or cure for this please bloomin gib \q/n/q\#i'll pay soul-#random#apologies for the randomness + suddeness of this too#for those reading bless you all so much for your patience
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a journal entry
[tw: talk of suicide, religious trauma, big sad feelings]
one of the worst times of my life was a month after coming out the second time. I was 23 years old, had lived in my hometown with my parents for a year after college before moving for grad school. I was all alone in a big city, brand new culture, friends scattered around, partner all the way across the country. I was in school for therapy and doing a lot of big emotional work I'd never known how to do before, and I was about six months on T. I hadn't seen my parents in seven. I built up this coming-out for months, dreading and anticipating.
I've written before about how badly it went. I've never had my parents so deeply disappointed in me. I've written as well about Pastor Kretzschmar and the phone calls I endured. The amount of religious trauma sludge that was being unearthed in me. so many things I thought I'd gotten over.
I'm 23, my parents hate me, my youth pastor has shattered my religion, and I had to dissect myself in writing for a professor. The Tuesday of finals week I catch a sore throat. on Wednesday I turn in my final paper. on Thursday I can barely stand up.
I've been terribly sick a handful of times. MRSA and sepsis were bad, but I was 13 and had no idea how close I was to dying, so it didn't seem that bad going through it. pneumonia was more frustrating than anything-- can't lay down, can't breathe, can't stop coughing, can't go to school, can't go home from this stupid hospital, can't stop having fever dreams about snakes and panic attacks that send the nurses rushing in to check my heart monitors.
COVID was bad: the fatigue, the pain, the aches, the elephant on my chest and feathers in my lungs, and the headache that truly felt like being crushed. the feverish hallucinations, the endless trembling. the realization that i was trapped, alone, in a house with nobody who loved me within eight hundred miles and no way to pay my medical bills and just. the fear. the overwhelming fear and loneliness of it all.
catching COVID encapsulated how i felt in the aftermath of my coming out. hurt. gutted. on fire. so fucking scared. angry.
a decade ago I started putting the pieces together-- a plethora of things I knew was wrong with me, and one I finally found the words for-- my sexuality.
I remember being fifteen and keeping myself up at night trying to pray and just sobbing. sobbing because it didn't make sense and nobody would answer my questions and i was too terrified for confession and i didn't understand how i could try to hard and still be such a total and utter failure. how i could hurt everyone so bad. how i wasn't even trying to do anything.
seventeen was bad because my worst fears started manifesting. i was terrible. i was thoughtless. i was too emotional and too sensitive and somehow also too quiet and too stoic and too cold. my grandmother died. my other grandmother tried to kill herself again. she'd tried a few times in my childhood, but this was the first time she was hospitalized for it. we hated each other-- her and i-- and it broke my mom's heart that i wasn't more upset by what was happening. even though I'd internalized my role of being quiet and emotionless and not making it worse for anyone.
all of that, and i figure it can't get worse, so two months later i come out. my mother is scared, furious, loud and thundering and crying constantly. and i knew i was terrible, but seeing it is different.
when i came out again nearly seven years later, my mother was angry but my father was emotional. he started planning my funeral. i had finally done something bad enough for them to give up on me, and that manifestation slaughtered me.
I'm writing this to purge whatever sad and angry thing is trying to crawl out of my throat. I've been praying again, and involved with a church, and it's awoken someone furious and heartbroken inside of me. the kid is eleven- fifteen- seventeen and scared and shaking and pissed as hell, and I want to take her them by the hands and squeeze and tell them it's going to be okay. tell them to lash out and hit something. tell them we figure it out, but keeping it all in our gut only makes us sicker.
I've been unwell a million times. childhood me was sensitive and anxious and terrible. she didn't know how to exist in the world, and i love my parents for doing their best, but i wish they'd noticed her reading their parenting books to try and figure out what was wrong with her. i wish they'd asked her what she thought about god, found out the existentials of their religion gave her stomach aches. wish they'd asked an expert why she cried so much.
I wanted to kill myself in high school. I shook myself out of panic attacks before work and i talked my online friends down from the edge every night at 11pm before going out to drive my mom and linda home from the bar.
I didn't want to kill myself in college, but i thought about it a lot. i had an index card folded up in my wallet that i promised a nice lady named Rachel I would look at any time the thoughts got too loud. i felt the moods wash through my like waves, waited for them like clockwork, every few months there they were again. I hurt myself. I let people hurt me, and not just in ways that were healthy and fun. I was so scared of myself and couldn't even begin to see a future that made sense, a future that felt good, couldn't see anything but heavy awful dread.
twenty-five and things are better, but sometimes i feel worse. the more makes sense, the less i understand. the more i find places that hurt, the more i find people to blame, the more i understand even more and put that blame away. i find things that hurt in me and i dig my thumb in like a bruise.
another five years and i pray i'm comfortable, pray i've dug out all the tragic rotten parts of myself and set them out to dry, let them wither in the sun and turn to jerky, let the crows swoop down and carry some away, scoop up others and drop them into my pocket, carry them around to remember but not to hurt.
this has gone off the rails. i think i feel better now. in case anyone's wondering, i haven't wanted to kill myself since march 2020 (ironically). i haven't had an unprompted panic attack since october 2021. i cried half an hour ago, but that's kind of a victory too.
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The Story of Us
They've been sharing looks and polite smiles for almost a year. She wonders why they only started talking now. An Iwaizumi x Reader College!AU.
Nutritional Value: fluff, SFW | Allergen Information: mentions of violence, worrying amounts of fluff
Manufacturer's Notes: This is very badly written. Like, cringe.
Entry 3: See you Friday
After a nice dinner outside campus, Tristan walked me back to my dorm with the promise of hanging out after finals were over.
Now, two weeks later, I was back in the library, except today was Wednesday instead of Tuesday and according to my schedule, I should be on the volleyball court and not here. However, volleyball training was done for the semester and with finals week looming in, I figured I'd try studying three times a week now instead of the usual two.
Let it be known that my routines were sacred and that every time I try to mix it up before its predetermined death at the end of the semester, unfortunate things happen.
Like last year, I decided to go ice skating instead of going to volleyball like usual and I ended up with a sore butt and a sprained ankle. And then the year before that, I tried cutting a class and missed a surprise quiz and almost got into a car accident.
Tristan says that I just have really bad luck but I know better. I just hope that that wouldn't be the case this time.
My table was free as usual. However, the one in front of it was not.
Seated there was my nameless library buddy, looking at me with questioning eyes.
I imagined him thinking something like 'are we studying Wednesdays too?' or something along those lines because, really, how funny would that be?
Then it occurred to me: could it be that he knew my schedule? Tuesdays and Fridays weren't hard to remember after all.
I tried not to smile.
I mean, I could be wrong and he was honestly just surprised at seeing me two days in a row. Or maybe he was thinking of something confusing and I happened to stand at the spot he was staring at.
The thought immediately took a hit on my mood. That, I wasn't sure I should be happy about.
The rest of the afternoon went by quietly. Like always, my library buddy and I shared exhausted looks and tired sighs a couple of times.
After seven long months, I had gotten used to sharing these empathetic and weirdly comforting looks with him. Except now, these looks elicited a feeling in my chest that I couldn't quite describe.
At ten past six, I slung my bag over my shoulder and picked up the stack of books I planned to check out. I made it two steps away from the table before I tripped on my own feet, my books hitting the carpeted floor in a series of loud thuds.
There's my unfortunate moment.
"Crap."
I got off my knees to pick up the fallen textbooks when another pair of hands entered my field of vision.
It was library buddy.
"Here," he murmured as he handed me an orange hardbound. "Are you okay?"
"Yes, thank you."
I took the book from him. This was so embarrassing.
"No problem." He gave me an easy smile and at that moment, I swear I wanted to melt into the ground. His eyes wandered to the books I was cradling.
"Statistics!"
"Yeah!"
He said it in such an 'aha!' voice that I temporarily forgot about my shame and grinned. So he'd wondered about my major, too.
"You?"
"Sports Science."
"Cool. You want to be a coach or something?"
"Aa," he nodded. "Gotta beat someone up, you know?"
I laughed. He was so charming, it was a miracle I haven't turned into goo yet.
It was then that I noticed his eyes. One warm brown and one dark green. The difference wasn't too noticeable but I had always been observant of little details.
"You have heterochromia?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.
"You noticed?" He looked positively surprised. "Yeah, my mom used to say I was an alley cat in my past life."
I imagined him as a cat but immediately wished that I didn't.
"It's pretty."
I blinked.
What the hairballs?
Y/n, you little—!
"I have to go."
He looked a little taken aback by the sudden declaration but nodded nonetheless. "Of course. You need help with that?"
I gave him a tight-lipped smile. I needed to get out of here before I embarrassed myself any further. "No, it's fine. Thank you though."
"You sure?" He asked. "That looks heavy."
"It's fine," I laughed but even to my ears, it sounded way too forced. "See you around."
"See you Friday," he corrected before walking back to his seat, hand raised in a goodbye.
Oh my god, he did know my schedule!
I quickly exited the library but not after receiving an exaggerated wink from the librarian as she checked out my books for me. I knew without even looking at a mirror that my face was as red as a tomato.
On my way back to my dorm, I realized that in my star-struck state, I failed to get his name. I bit my lip.
Oh, well. I couldn't really blame myself. He was just so much prettier up close.
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possible? life? plans?
move out
specifically, a good time to move out would be after moo's adoption is finalized (so, in july)
it would also be ideal if my mom had either a foster kid (for the sense of purpose & also the relief from extra income) OR the increase for lee's adoption assistance (for the relief from extra income)
this is not, however, a requirement
a requirement IS that i must have a job of some kind at least lined up
apply to jobs in earnest starting friday at the latest (ideally i would start tomorrow, but it has been A Week emotionally so i am giving myself time)
keep an eye on more than online jobs; apply to some irl ones as it gets closer to july, even if an online one has been acquired by then
consider, maybe, going back to school at some point? i've said for years i don't want to do grad school bc the only point with an english degree rly is if u want to teach at college level, which i've always said i don't wanna do--but honestly? it's a little like being paid to infodump, and part of me likes the sound of that. and, equally honestly, one of the main deterrents for me was the idea of having to continually publish papers, and tbh. tbh. do i really care abt that so much? nah. not rly
(another deterrent was of course that it'd involve talking to people, which terrifies me a little & is sth i'm bad at--but i'm working on it)
anyways. consider that. like, seriously consider it.
double anyways.
mmm.
look into areas in-state i might want to live round/work near? specifically look into places with good public transport, yeah? don't make any decisions yet, just--look. consider cost of living & all that junk aswell
consider also proximity to family--within reasonable driving distance (for this state's definition of "reasonable")
give myself an idea of whatall the Deal is
once some manner of idea is gathered, then start looking at jobs within whatever area or radius or whatever i decide is cool
mm.
so
those are middle-term plans. those are "over the next few months" plans, "in a few months" plans, maybe "in a year" plans if school is sth i decide to go for
long-term plans are. kind of a mystery. i don't know what i want to be doing. nebulous "maybe teach?? or no???" is not an actual life plan. nebulous "get a job writing or editing" is also not an actual life plan. neither is "hang around home until mom doesn't need me anymore."
so.
at least consider what i want my life to look like longer-term, yeah?
what kinds of things would make me happy
mmmm.
mid term and long term taken care of, let's talk short term
what do i want to get done in the short term
which we'll define as "before july"
actually. let's take it a step further. let's define it as "before june"--that is, before my time helping out my grandma is up & i go back home
hm.
my mom mentioned potentially diving lessons while i'm here. i don't know that i want them, but it would be useful to me and open up more options for me in the future, so that's cool and sth i should consider
i also would like to get at least on-track to be evaluated for adhd if possible, bc i'd like to see if meds might help me
my mom has also suggested i talk to my therapist abt the possibility of anxiety meds, which may potentially be useful although i don't know that i rly need them, so there's that
uh.
short term goals
uh.
that's. really all i've got i guess
so i suppose. bring up Possibility of adhd eval or referral thereto AND/OR anxiety meds w/therapist on wednesday?
and. look into driving things. learny driving things, locally
mmmmm
that's. all i got rly
but it's more concrete stuff than i had at the start so that's cool
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A run of bad luck (Or a comprehensive timeline of my broken foot and broken heart)
On February 10th I wrote what I thought was my master piece poem, I considered it my immortal poem if I was a chess player. It was corny sure, it had a message very similar to "I'd like to build a world a home" but whatever, I still think its great a month later. The point of the poem was to show my feelings to the person I've loved the most, I feel last year I had a lot of failed relationships but she felt too different to pass on, we went on a date once and hit it off quite nice, we played and watched anime every day up until then. I invited her to my favorite museum and planned it all in order to declare my feelings, she accepted to go to said museum date and was very willing to go even when i strongly suggested my plan was of declaring to her.
The day arrived, and she didn't go, she got covid and needed to be in quarantine for at least a week, before I could see her. It wasn't a big deal, sure it sucks that I couldn't see her, but whatever, shit happens. School was starting the 14th and I just had to wait until the 21st to see her on school and confess then right? Well on Wednesday the 16th I fell running to catch the bus and broke my foot. It was a triple fracture, 2 on the base of my pinky and another on a bone I can't pronounce the name of in the base of my foot. Apparently it wasn't the impact that destroyed my bones, but the twisting action that my foot made when I feel into that hole, made my own ligaments pull with such force that it completely destroyed my foot.
I kept talking to that girl, we kept the streak of hanging out in discord everyday up until the next weekend. Things still looked promising then though, we still found ways to connect with each other and I just fell more and more in love with her. The pain was unbearable though, most I could sleep was 4 hours at a time, my stomach felt horrible because of the medicine, and the injections. Oh god the injections. I was still hopeful since I was getting surgery next week and thought that I was going to get surgery on Thursday the 24th, I was foolish. The school insurance was giving us trouble, all the while the pain just became worse and worse, leading to stronger and stronger medication, which in turn lead to my worse and worse performance in my college. I was always keeping a strong face because of her, I never was late in a work with her or complained to her, I was hopeful for the surgery and just went through the pain. Everything fueled by the thought of my surgery fixing everything, I could go back to school, read my poem, fix my grades and work on my recovery while not being completely useless. Those 2 weeks after my accident were tough, but they were nothing compared to post surgery.
After the surgery on Wednesday the 2nd of march, I was happy, finally it was over. Turns out it wasn't, they were some complications with the anesthesia, I'm not going to get into it since its super gross, but basically it gave me the most painful night of my life, and it didn't get better. I got stronger medication, I felt worse, I had less sleep and I couldn't feel good anymore. I still tried to keep up with the girl I like but it was getting harder and harder, that week post surgery was the worse. I found shelter in anime and in food, I got more weight than ever before. That weekend I finally broke and cried to my mother, poor woman didn't know what to do, me and my brothers have always been extra careful not to shed a tear in front of her since she's been through more shit than all of us combined and she feels like we're being ungrateful, but that Saturday the 5th was too much, she just kinda stared and brought me a tea.
Things got worse after that, the pain started to subside, which I am thankful for, but all those weeks of not being able to pay attention in school started to show. I don't understand anything now. The girl I like made new friends, people who apparently know about me but I don't know them. She keeps in contact, helps me in everything she can, she's really the best. I still want to be with her, I still have my poem but now I'm fat, I'm depressed, I'm unkempt, ugly. I can't impress her anymore with me being a tryhard at coding or with anything at all. Ever since before I met her, she's jokingly had a crush on another girl. I didn't thought too much about it since it appeared to be only only an inside joke. But now that I know that another person in my friend group is also interested in her, I feel more and more inclined to let her go. This pass 2 weeks I've been talking to her less and less and its starting to show the consequences.
Tomorrow I go back to school and I should be happy. But I have an exam of which I didn't do the work leading up to it, I have a huge homework due on Wednesday with only 2 problems solved and another exam on Friday. I want to read the poem but I have 25 pounds more than i had when I wrote it, and 100% less confidence..
I've never been more depressed in my life, and I can't tell anyone about it. So here I am talking to the random tumblr people that decided this was worth reading. If you're reading this I'll literally paypal you 5 dollars I'm not even joking, just dm me.
Thanks for reading
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