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that-damn-girl · 4 years

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Boomerang

(Oneshot)

Pairing: Sam Wilson x (cis)female!reader

Words: 3000+

Type: Not exactly fluff, but not angst either. Smut. Happy ending.

Warnings: Smut ahead. It's not exactly cheating, but idk what exactly your definition of cheating is. So just warning. Happy ending though. Not proofread.

Summary: You only know what you had after you've lost it. Although it's been two years since you've broken up, you can't forget about Sam.

A/N: This is in answer to a request by the wonderful @princessmisery666 . The song prompt requested was 'Boomerang' by Mic Lowry. Honey, my writing isn't as good as you, but I hope you like it.

I know why you're calling me

'Cause he can't love you like you want him to

You know I hit it properly

But nobody do it like me and you

"So," You started, feeling a bit awkward, playing with your bracelet as you sat stiffly, "How's life?"

You had bumped into Sam in the streets of New York City, purely coincidentally. You were on the way to your apartment from the store, hands filled with snacks as your dinner, when you bumped into Sam. He was walking over from the other direction, fully concentrated on typing furiously in his phone to notice anything else.

You didn't mean to start a conversation with your ex from two years ago, but after seeing him out of the blue you couldn't keep yourself from loudly gasping, 'Oh my god, Sam?' He had looked taken aback at the sudden outburst of his name; and at seeing you too. He had a baseball cap and a pair of reflectors on; in a 'disguise', in hopes that nobody would recognise the new Captain America.

Although you felt awkward, you didn't want things to be so. You didn't want to let him know that you were still hung up on him while in another relationship.

As you made small conversation, he asked you if you were free to have dinner, just to catch up. You didn't want to say yes, but you did thinking it would be better than whatever junk you initially intended to munch upon. Moreover, it was just to catch up, right?

Right?

It's funny how everything changes, but still remains the same

Something like a boomerang, you're coming 'round my way

'Cause I've been hearing all these rumors

That you've been seeing someone new

You went to a pizza place nearby. You seemed to have run out of topics when you asked that question.

Sam smiled. Well, he always either smiled or smirked, "It's been a little stressful lately." He shrugged, "But life always is. You say." He did that cute little head tilt of his.

You didn't want to drown in him, in the memories he brought back with himself, but you did. If he noticed yourself looking at him with a distant gaze, he didn't comment.

"Well, my boss is the same piece of shit she's always been. My rent got increased with no promotion in sight. Same old, same old. How's Bucky?"

"Oh, he's doing much better than the last you saw him, actually. My man is killin' it. He is much more open now. The nightmares are very rare now. From what I hear, his therapy's going great. Also, remember Sharon? Yeah, Bucky and her are kind of a thing now." Sam said, leaning forward and keeping his hands criss-crossed on the table, which bulged out his biceps.

"Oh," you said, taking a moment to think but having a hard time imagining Bucky and Sharon as a couple; and also trying to get the flashing memories of his hands from around you out of your head, "Really? Wouldn't have guessed those two."

"Yeah, it was a shocker for me too! But they are just at the start of it, so let's see how it actually goes." Sam shrugged, "Enough of him, though. Tell me about your man." Sam didn't miss the way your smile faltered just for a second.

But you addicted to my addiction

It's time for you to stay away, away

So call the medical, can get a little dose

I got an antidote for that body

We're compatible, ain't no need to take it slow

You knew you had gotten in your current relationship with Jason as a way to get over Sam, because you couldn't get the thoughts of him out of your mind even after a year of breaking up with him. Now nearly reaching your first year anniversary, you still couldn't.

You knew you should've felt guilty for misleading Jason, but you somehow didn't. The year you had spent with him made you realise that the two of you never had a connection as deep as you and Sam did in the six months you were together.

Moreover, it didn't even feel like Jason was actually trying. That night was supposed to be a date night. As you were nearly ready, dressed to the nines and eagerly awaiting the forthcoming hours, for the third time in a row Jason had cancelled. He had had made plans with his work friends which he had forgotten about. As his boss was included too, he couldn't ditch them last minute. That is why you had planned on munching all the junk available you could get your hands on and dwell in your sorrows.

You understood. You always did.

Things like this only prompted your subconscious brain to point out the vast differences between him and Sam. You had gotten with him not long after he had to handle Captain America's mantle. The first few weeks had been extremely stressful for Sam, yet that didn't deter him from being the ever dotting boyfriend to you. Plans were hardly ever cancelled, and when they were, the newer ones were worth wait.

"Jason," You looked around, not daring to hold eye contact with Sam, "He's a great guy." Yet, Sam easily caught onto your bluff. He didn't say anything though, sparring you the embarrassment.

Truth be told, he was internally satisfied to know that your current wasn't as good as him, but he hid that well. Despite it he wasn't happy. How could he, when you weren't.

You talked about Jason, exaggerating his goodness. It felt like you were trying to make yourself believe that indeed he was as good as you said. Moving on from him, you asked Sam if he had gotten someone in his life.

Sam dipped his head, suddenly finding the napkin on his lap extraordinarily interesting, "There's been no one but you, Y/N." As he looked up, you couldn't help but let your breath hitch as his eyes bore into yours. He put on a smile which couldn't mask the seriousness and melancholy behind his words which you knew in an instant they were nothing if not true.

"Sam..." You started, but the phone ringing, flashing your best friend's name saved you from having to reply to the mind boggling discovery.

I know, I know, I know

I know why you're calling me

'Cause he can't love you like you want him to

You know I hit it properly

But nobody do it like me and you

I know what you need, girl, you know this also

As your call had ended, Sam brought up discussions from the pop culture and you two fell back into conversation, the earlier revelation being completely ignored. Soon your meal was over. As you the stepped onto the sidewalk, Sam insisted that he walked you home. You didn't think it was a good idea, but Sam claimed that it was rather late and he couldn't relax until he made sure you were safe and sound in your house. So you agreed.

The conversation was light, as before. None dared to jump into the talks of feelings, not trusting themselves keep their hands to themselves.

When you reached your building, 'It was good to meet you after so long's were said and goodbyes were exchanged. As Sam saw you climb up the stairs to the front door, walking away from him yet again, he couldn't bear the pain of letting you go so soon; of not being the one to hold you close in your lows; of not trying; of not telling you the one thing which had been on his mind the entire night and regretting it later.

He climbed up to you in two long strides, skipping a few steps in between. Just as you were about to open the gate, he turned you around, and clashed his lips with yours. Shocked by the suddenness, you pressed you lips to harder. They were sweet and plump, just as you remembered.

I'll leave the key up under the door

So you can come on, get on top of me

So I can fuck you like you want me to, like you want me to

I'm told you want it

Girl, like you want me, too

I'm told you want it

He immediately pulled back only a second later. His hands cupped your face as his forehead leaned against yours. "Baby girl," That nickname, that damn nickname, "I love you still, so fucking much. Know that I've waited for you, and I'll always wait for you."

Not giving you anytime to think about it, he climbed down the steps and walked away into the shadows of the night. You stared at his retreating figure dumbfounded, your own heart beats loud and clear in your ear, making you doubt when what happened was actually true or was it just one of your daydreams .

~~~

Sweet yet powerful, that's how the memories you carried of being with Sam were. You'd never had had to think about putting effort into your relationship as things things escalated; how you'd seemed to know what other needed when, the trust into each other, the support for each other, the understanding; everything had come naturally.

Your relationship had ended only because of your fear of being close anyone.

You hadn't known you'd fall for Sam as deep and hard as you did. 'I love you's were said. You were happy. When he asked you to move in with him, you weren't.

Commuting to and fro from work to you was a work in itself. Sam knew you wouldn't like the idea because of how scared you were if your own feelings, so he never raised the question. However, it slipped past his lips on the night of your six month anniversary, after a nerve wrecking session in bed. Perhaps he really had wrecked his nerves between his brain and mouth when those words left his lips despite knowing better.

Overwhelmed at the fast pace of everything going in and around you, you immediately left his home. You were scared like all good things, this was just a dream; that he would leave you as soon as you allowed him to breakdown that last layer of boundary you had protected yourself behind all your life.

You figured, getting your heart broken then was better than later.

He gives you that basic kinda loving, now all you do is complain

(I bet the neighbors don't know his name)

You know I got that boomerang (boomerang) so I come through late, oh oh oh oh

So shout me when you coming through, right

You ain't gotta tell me what to do tonight

As you sat across Jason the next day, eating the dinner which was initially planed to be had a day before, you couldn't get Sam out of your mind. Though you yourself loved him still, it was hard for you to accept that after the bizarre note on which you ended things, he still loved you to this day.

You moved your food around the plate, your mind working overtime enough to kill any appetite.

You looked up at Jason, animatedly telling you about his week at work, without having yet asking about yours. Sam never did that, your brain said. No matter what, he always loved hearing you talk about your days, not caring how shitty or monotonous they were. He also loved talking about his, excitedly gushing about the love and support he recieved and carefully leaving out the gruesome details of the missions he went on. He was Captain freaking America, yet he never made you feel any less.

You're addicted to my addiction

It's time for you to stay away, away, yeah

So call the medical, can get a little dose

I got an antidote for that body

We're compatible, ain't no need to take it slow

Work had always been important for Jason. For many it is. It was important for you as well. It was important for Sam too, yet you were always his top priority. Albeit not before saving the world at last minute notifications, but in a way you were his world too.

As Jason kept on and on talking about himself and only himself, you couldn't help but cherish how Sam had been anything but self centred. He was selfless almost to a fault.

You sat there, staring at the face of one man but thinking of another. As your brain pointed out the differences between the two one after the other, something in your brain clicked.

You grabbed his hand at once, not giving any second thought to what you said and what you did, "Jason," When he got your attention, you said, "I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry, but it's over."

Jason gaped at you open mouthed, flabbergasted at how out of the blue it was, "I- what- Y/N?"

He watched you stand up and put a few bills down on the table. Before leaving, you turned to him and said, "It's okay, I won't miss you."

You left in a hurry. On the sidewalks you hailed a cab and gave the directions to Sam's place.

I know, I know, I know

I know why you're calling me

'Cause he can't love you like you want him to

You know I hit it properly

But nobody do it like me and you

I know what you need, girl, you know this also

I'll leave the key up under the door

So you can come on, get on top of me

So I can fuck you like you want me to, like you want me to

I'm told you want it

Girl, like you want me to

I'm told you want it

You chewed your lips as stared out the window. You should've known that you wouldn't have been able to stay away from him; that you were bound to return to him, like a boomerang.

You felt like a bitch, and not in a good way. Though your feelings hadn't lessened, you realised what a fool you were in leaving Sam only after being with Jason. It wasn't ideal and you weren't the most proud person around, but the heart wants what it wants.

As soon as the cab stopped, you paid and hurried to Sam's door. Pressing the doorbell, you only wished he didn't have any plans for the evening. When he didn't answer the door right away, your anxiety started gnawing at you.

What were you thinking? Of , course he'd have plans on a Saturday night. He's Captain America, for heaven's sake. Of fucking course he'd be busy. It was so stupid of you -

"Y/N?" Sam gasped. Not in his wildest dreams had he thought that he'd find you on his porch, deranged like you were. He didn't even think you'd come back to him after the stunt he pulled the previous night.

This time round, you gave him no time to ponder as holding his neck you brought him down and kissed his lips with all the strength you could muster. After getting over the initial shock, Sam picked you up by your waist in a second and you gladly wrapped your legs around him. He closed the door and pushed you against it.

You pulled back, clutching his face softly, "Sam, Sam, I'm so sorry, so fucking sorry." He put you down, cupping your tear stained face. He tried to stop you, but you continued, "I shouldn't have had left you. I was just so scared, Sam. I thought you would've left me eventually." You paused, taking a deep breath, "I love you Sam, so fucking much."

Sam hugged you close, petting your head, whispering sooth calming words. You said still, "I broke up with him. I'm sorry I didn't realise it sooner. Please, have me back Sam...I understand if you're upset with me, and you got every right -"

Sam shut you up with his lips, which unhurriedly moved against yours, warming up your heart and soul, "Baby," He breathed against you, "You don't gotta be sorry about anything," He moved to your ears, whispering, "I love you, honey. So glad you're back."

He descended to take your lips in his once again, biting them ever so softly. Licking and sucking your lips as if it were the last time he'd kiss you, Sam picked you up and carried you to his bed, on which he dropped you down unceremoniously before caging you between him and his bed.

Now I got your head up in the pillow

Girl, you can't say nothing, can't say nothing

I'ma have you here like a boomerang

Make you wanna say something, wanna say something

His arms went under your shirt, lifting it, drawing his hands up and down your sides. Littering you neck with kisses, he raised your shirt over your head. Your own hands moved to his back beneath his shirt. He removed his own, and soon, the both of you undressed completely.

When his mouth went back on yours, his skin moved against yours, sating the need to be close to him. His hand went down lower, messaging your clit with his calloused fingers. You let out a moan as the electric pulses raced down your nerves.

You drifted lower to the skin beneath his ear right above his pulsing vein, sucking and nipping at it. Sam moaned sinfully in your ear, relocating his fingers in your channel and slowly easing into it. The heel of his palm worked magic on your clit while his fingers leisurely yet steadily brought you cleaser.

Panting, you said, "S-Sam, I need you."

"Baby girl..." Sam whispered, increasing his pace.

"I need you right now. Please, Sam," You whimpered, unable to control yourself as your back arched.

"You sure, honey?" Sam asked. As soon as you voiced out your confirmation, he took his hard length in his hand and stroked it before placing it near your entrance. He slid it up and down your slit, teasing you nub everytime he touched it.

Fixing his length in front of your entrance, Sam groaned as he pushed inside, "Ah, baby girl."

You whimpered, surprised by the stretch but welcomed it with open arms. Your walls clutched his member hard, letting you feel every protruding vein pulsing inside you. Not wanting to wait any longer, you gripped his ass, pushing him further inside you and urging him to move.

He started out slow, taking his time, enjoy the feel of you around snugly around him, leisurely soothing the want you both had. After a handful of strokes though, he couldn't contain himself. He hadn't touched in so long, hadn't felt you in so fucking long. He needed to like a starved needed food.

Balancing his weight on his arms, he thrust inside you again and again without any restrain. You moaned loudly as his bulbous head hit your g-spot at the new angle. He railed you into the bed, grunts escape every so often, charging you up even more.

He kissed sucked the skin of your neck, marking you, laying his claim on you. The meaty and veiny member of his soothed the need of friction inside you.

"Sam..." You squeezed his ass, moaning his name repeatedly. He in turn moaned into you ear you good you took him, how good your velvety walls felt around him. Sensing him nearing his climax, he rubbed you bundle of nerves expertly with his fingers.

"Cum for me, baby girl," You closed your eyes and arched your back, letting out a silent scream as white hot pleasure ran through your veins when you came. Feeling your walls clench around him, he couldn't help himself as his face contorted into pleasure; his pace faltering as he released himself in you.

His head fell down in the crook of your neck, splaying gentle kisses around every surface he could reach. With the promise of more beautiful times, he tucked you in his arms as he rolled onto his side and the both of went into a peaceful slumber.

~~~

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hasansonsuzceliktas · 4 years

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Esoteric Tantra

It really does boggle my mind how so many people interpret Tantra as being only about sex. There are abundant writings on Tantra, translated from Sanskrit or books in English by scholars of ancient Tantra writings. These writings make it really clear that Tantra is a path to enlightenment using methods of meditation, rituals, mantra and mudra. All the senses are utilized in Tantra Meditation which means that pleasure can also be used as a portal into awakened consciousness. The essential components of Tantra are the entwined qualities of Love and Meditation. Love represents the feminine path while Meditation represents the masculine path. The Full Spectrum of Who We Are In Tantra, all aspects of creation are part of one organic whole just as all the colours of the rainbow merge into white light. By exploring each colour in the full spectrum of who we are, we become expansive, wise and integrated. For this path to be effective, however, it needs to be firmly anchored in the practice of Tantra Meditation. It takes great awareness to delve into the inner universe. Emotional quagmires lurk in the recesses of our subconscious and we need to be capable of shining the light of awareness into all aspects of our being. Perversions start when people who practice Tantra begin focusing their exploration solely on the sexual aspects of life instead of integrating this with love and meditation. I believe people in the west find the subject of sexuality fascinating because through the Judeo-Christian framework, sexuality has been repressed, turning us towards a confused, ungrounded state of being. Our society teaches people to live from the head and naturally, we will feel something is missing! We begin searching for something more, and in our search the tendency will be to look for a path that can bring emotional and sexual fulfilment. Of course, sexual and emotional fulfilment is important, but it is not the whole picture. Integrating Sexuality, Love and Spirituality For deepest fulfilment, we need to explore and integrate sexuality, love and spirituality. Tantra offers this and includes the harmonious balancing of male and female energies. This fact, if understood and lived deeply, is radically transforming for individuals, couples and the society as a whole. The vision of Tantra which has come to the west is often distorted, luring people into a downward spiralling kundalini. There is a tendency for it to be biased towards an ‘opportunist style’ of male dominated sexuality, emphasizing licentiousness. In this model, the female approach to life is overlooked and because women are receptive to the masculine in their sexuality, women may buy into a licentious version of so called ‘Tantra’ and be fooled into thinking it is helping them. Invariably, when I offer women’s Tantra, women are at first astonished, then hugely relieved that they actually have the right to be feminine! They discover, maybe for the first time, the power of love, emotional fluidity and intuition and what this really means for women. Men’s Tantra is equally important, as through this, they can discover their true essence, the power of consciousness and how this translates into enlightened sexual expression, life enhancing creativity and expressions of power in service of love. If we wish to truly understand Tantra it is important to practice Tantra as indicated by someone who has imbibed the essence of it. By practicing a living transmission of Tantra methods, you will be learning through your own direct experience how to expand your capacity for an integrated inner ecstasy. Esoteric Tantra Esoteric Tantra includes: – The art of Mudra: Positions of the hands and fingers which help us align to particular aspects of universal consciousness. – The art of Mantra: Sacred sounds, which bring alignment with particular siddhis (powers). – The art of Ritual: Creating a space where the divine can descend, through Sacred Geometry, Yantra and Mantra. – Meditation: Utilizing a witnessing consciousness to embark on a journey exploring the 5 senses, all emotional states, subtle energy, chakras, kundalini, the elements, imagination, intuition, creativity, the power of thought, no mind, transcendental states of consciousness, love, devotion, sex, birth and death. The Meaning of Om Mani Padme Hum A famous example of Mantra is: Om Mani Padme Hum. Millions of people chant this mantra daily and may not even know the deeper Tantric symbolism of it. This is because of a sexually repressive outlook on life. It is a fact that early Masters of Tantric Buddhism (such as Padma Sambhava and Tilopa) had female consorts and or female Tantra initiatresses, important for their enlightenment process. In today’s world the importance of Tantra initiation is omitted from most spiritual teachings and because of this the true meaning of ‘Om Mani Padme Hum’ has been concealed. The original mantra came from Tantra sources in India and is of Sanskrit origin. Om is the soundless sound, the essence of the universe. Mani is jewel, usually symbolizing a diamond (hardest substance). Padme is lotus, symbolising both ultimate truth and the Yoni. This mantra is a code for Tantric sexual union. When we bring Lingam (diamond) into the Yoni (meaning sacred place, symbolized by the lotus) we are enveloped in the soundless sound, Aum, the essence of the universe. Hum represents enlightenment in this very body. Sacred Sexual Initiation within Tantra In ancient India and Tibet, Tantra initiation followed a particular sequence. The devotee would need to pass through many levels of development of his or her consciousness before being initiated into sacred sexuality teachings. Only when sex no longer had an overpowering pull (due to multiple transcendental experiences) was the Tantrika then initiated into the methods using sex as a portal into universal consciousness. Usually his or her training would continue for at least 5 years before he or she would be considered ready to embrace the intensity of ‘sex with awareness.’ From this slow and conscious approach to sacred sexual teachings, the practitioner of Tantra is then truly able to say: “Sex and Samadhi are one.”

Tantra is a Pilgrimage When we travel on pilgrimage, it is a delight to walk on a path in nature and to realise this outer path is taking us towards our true inner nature. The outer path is symbolic of the inner path. Tantra is a pilgrimage, with ups and downs, challenges and beauty, awe inspiring events as well as hardships. Through consciously walking the path, we learn and grow into our potential. Understanding Tantra as a pilgrimage helps us to not be in a hurry, but rather to savour each step. The journey itself becomes the goal. In esoteric Tantra, we open up kundalini energy and travel the path from earth to sky, sex to spirit. But this is not the whole journey. Once we have accessed spirit, it is important to then invite spirit in and through the body as a descent of grace, anchoring spirit on this earth. Our primary lesson on this planet as human beings, is to learn how to be ‘spirit embodied.’ The light of the spirit, brought into our physical density, transforms this density, this physical form, into a luminous transmission of universal consciousness. We become a gift to this planet simply by breathing, by being. As Zen Master Hakuin said: “This very body the Buddha, this very place, the lotus paradise.” Tantra is a deeply compassionate path. Its acceptance of the wholeness of the human condition is deeply insightful. Hedonistic and spiritual aspects of the human being meet and merge in Tantra practice. Spirituality becomes juicy and fun and hedonism becomes a diving board into a pool of consciousness. In this way, our humanness is accepted, played with and realized in its fullest potential. We realise ourselves as the divine feminine and the divine masculine. Ardanareshvara; Godliness as Half Male, Half Female In the Tantra life approach, when the divine feminine and divine masculine merge, they are transmuted into Ardanareshvara, the depiction of God who is half-male and half-female. This symbolism represents the inner alchemy that happens through the inner marriage of our right and left sides of the body, and left and right hemispheres of the brain. This merger gives rise to genius within. With this awakening of genius, inner ecstasy is experienced simultaneously. In Tantra, it is said that through such awakening, divine soma nectar flows from the crown chakra. The Realisation of Inner Ecstasy I have explored this experience and have discovered that such a realisation and awakening of consciousness is very similar to death. In fact, in deep meditation the body is fooled into thinking death is near and releases the inner drug (DMT) that normally gets released with death. This inner drug leads to a psychedelic experience of merging with the universe in an ecstasy of love. People try outer drugs in the vain attempt to somehow have such a sublime experience. We sense that it is our destiny to experience ecstatic oneness with the universe. However, outer drugs offer only a pale shadow of what is possible through a deeply lived experience in Meditation. Our own inner pharmacy is much more potent than any outer drug can be. But there is a price. There is no quick fix. You have to earn Soma through personal transformation methods. We can never understand Tantra unless we practice Tantra methods. And once we taste the sublime ecstasy which is our birth-right, there is no going back. Tantra becomes our way of life. Read the full article

#esotericism #man #sexuality #soul #spirituality #tantra #woman

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consolatione · 7 years

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The atheist monk - A guide to religion for atheists

Imagine a medieval monk losing his faith. Would he find his life meaningless, or could he perhaps find just as much meaning in a life dedicated to God without faith? It’s an interesting question, because our secular societies may very well be throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

In the God Delusion Richard Dawkins tells the story of how he shared an experience similar to that of one of his teachers, who was a priest. His teacher found himself overwhelmed by a heightened sense of awareness as he laid in the grass looking at the life surrounding him, and he felt in touch with the universe and everything. This experience led his teacher to Christianity, and Professor Dawkins to science.

I too, have had and continue to have similar experiences. Not just when I am in nature, but also when I see an old photograph or painting of someone who has passed away a long time ago, when I read old books and get to pry into the brain of an ancient philosopher, or, and this memory has stuck, when I in my early twenties visited the catacombs of Paris, and walked an hour among rows upon rows of human bones and skulls. Memento mori. Think about death. What we are, you will be. I was struck by the insight that every single skull was a remnant of a life – someone who had been born, who had lived, loved, and eventually died. A person who in her own mind was the centre of the universe. Who had a sense of who she was, and who dreamed. And what did she dream about? About money, love, children, adventure, achievments... It was like being in Dylan Thomas’ Under Milkwood, and I was Captain Cat hearing the voices of the dead. “Do you see me, Captain? The white bone talking? I'm Tom-Fred the donkeyman...we shared the same girl once… her name was Mrs Probert…”

To think that thought, to breath that air, to not shy away. That was a spiritual experience. I can also have that sensation when listening to a wonderful piece of music, visiting a beautiful place, reading literature, or enjoying art. It is transcending through beauty.

But to have these experiences you do not have to actually believe in a God. You may not think you are peering into a divine sphere of existence, but rather that you are simply the universe experiencing itself. To paraphrase Carl Sagan you are what happens when matter turns into consciousness.

I have seen it in many of the modern atheists, and I have also been guilty of the same thing, to reduce the experience of what it is to be human. Dawkins and many of the other leading atheists have talked about the spectacular and absolutely mind-boggling adventure it is to take part in science, and that organised religion even makes a mockery of how fantastic everything really is (I don’t agree with that particular detail, since the religious language and metaphors usually are more powerful). They tell us that religion cannot really do justice to the universe that unravels in front of us by the means of scientific exploration as we head into the future at a speed our forefathers hardly could have fathomed. And I stand on the sidelines applauding it. I love being swept away by the marvels that those great minds explain to me through their theories and discoveries. I love Carl Sagan, and how he could make it all sound so inspirational. So, it is a pity that many of the atheists who, like me, aren’t great scientists, reduce the experience of what it is to be a human. It is as if atheism and science is a package containing all the right answers, and you have those answers, because you adhere to that modern doctrine. You get to sit snuggly on a little box of truth, and smile condescendingly at all those who have yet to reach your elevated state of consciousness. The idea that there is a reasonable explanation for everything somehow means that we shouldn’t take in how brilliant it is to be alive. We are safe in our atheism. We are in the safest zone there is, because somehow we believe we have figured it all out. And Dawkins is our God... A notion I am sure he would be rather uncomfortable with.

It is either a very detached position, where we alienate ourselves from life, or a dogmatic position, resembling religious fervor. Maybe it’s a misplaced transference of the rational ideals of science. But regardless of the reasons, it undoubtedly makes a lot of people feel that atheism lacks something essential to describe their experiences. They would rather stick with religion, and pick the bits they like, and at the same time also believe in science. Because you can do that, you know? But for some reason the opposite is not possible within the atheist movement; you cannot be an atheist, but stick with the religious rituals or language.

When I step into a church I sometimes get the same feeling I experienced in the catacombs of Paris. The church room represents something profound and beautiful, which is why many people who don’t believe in God still want to get married in a church. The church has been part of our lives for a thousand years and more. It is our heritage. It is tradition. It has meaning.

In Sweden we still celebrate some pagan holidays, especially midsummer. There are quite a few traditions surrounding it as well, and most people partake in them with feelings of cultural belonging, rather than religious belonging. We dance around the phallic midsummer pole in honour of Freya, and young girls put seven flowers under their pillows to dream about their future husband. Atheists and Christians partake in these things without a second thought. But an atheist will not kneel in front of a priest and take part in communion. Why not? You could argue it still has religious meaning, and it would be disrespectful towards those who actually believe that it is the body of Christ. Still, just like dancing around the pagan pole, it is a tradition that belongs to our society and culture too, and its meaning may be different for an atheist than for a Christian, but it still has meaning.

It also begs the question how many traditions we can get rid of without losing something of our culture and a sense of who we are. The communion may be the extreme example, since it is the affirmation that you believe in a living Christ, but what about all the other traditions? How many of them can we get rid of without filling them with something else? Are we to fill them with consumerism? Are we to make up new ones and lose a link that connects us to the past? Or can we uphold them, even though we don’t necessarily believe in God, beyond perhaps God as a metaphor?

Looking once more at the ancient Scandinavian society it strikes me that the equivalent of the word religion in the ancient norse language is ‘siðr’, meaning custom or tradition. Regardless of how the ancient Nordic people related to that word and its connotations, I argue that the practice of a religious tradition is possible for an atheist. Many old customs have survived, though their meanings may have changed.

We cannot escape death

But if I do not believe in God, why should I practice religious traditions? This is a fair question and the natural answer is of course that it’s up to each and everyone. I believe there are good reasons for doing so, not the least for the fact that Modernity has lost so many traditions in favour of what seems to be trivial pursuits of technology, commerce and online communication. As satisfying they may seem for our immediate needs and wants, they do not comfort us in the realisation that we are mortal, and they are a poor consolation when we face tragedy and hardships.

My fiancée is a jewellery artist, and she once made a collection of mourning jewellery inspired by the Victorian tradition of wearing special jewellery to show that you were grieving. Her work was based around ideas that we need rituals and symbols to handle death. We need things to matter. She asked the question how we handle grief in a secular society. Can there be a symbol that you wear to show that you are mourning, that goes beyond the religious symbols? At that time we also travelled to Rome on vacation, and took the opportunity to meet the Sisters of Saint Bridget of Sweden. We sat down with one of the nuns talking about life, sorrow, death, faith, the church and secular society. She was very open-minded, friendly, and accepting of us, even if we did not share her faith. I remember that she said that there are so many things that haunt young people today, they are always in pursuit of something, but they don’t know why. Her answer, of course, was a life with God and the Catholic church. We, however, were looking for a different answer. Or maybe it’s the same answer, except without her strong faith. I need peace and quiet, and contemplation just as much as her. When someone who I love dies I need comfort, and a way to express my grief. We left that wise sister with a sense of understanding that the Catholic rituals and the liturgy were meaningful, regardless of your level of faith.

A few years later a friend of mine died of cancer. She was one of those people I hadn’t seen in years, but still thought about from time to time. We were never close, but I did feel a need to say goodbye. Since she was an atheist she had asked for a secular service, and as it turned out, the father of an old friend of mine held the service on behalf of the Swedish Humanist society. He said some really nice things about death, and how we should commemorate her - that a part of her remains here in life since we remember her. But even so, even though I felt that what he said had meaning, it was clear that the Humanists are lacking in the liturgy department. Not that Christian funerals always are better in every sense. At my grandmother’s funeral, for example, the priest talked endlessly about hell, and that it was good that my grandmother was so religious (which I doubt that she was), because now she could go to God instead. But although he was horrible, at least he had a church. He had the robes. He had a thick book to read from. He had psalms to sing. He had the bells chiming to show the world that we mourn that a life that was precious to us is no more.

Meaning of words and stories

The Swedish renaissance historian Olaus Petri (1493-1552) described the ancient Scandinavian religion in terms that would go well with modern religious theologians. He claimed that the trolls and giants of ancient mythology weren’t meant to be taken literally. They did indeed describe actual events, but not of Gods, giants and trolls, but instead they were mythological metaphrases of events where tyrants were killed by actual people. In other words people who had done great deeds were immortalized and celebrated through sagas. The same thing was proposed by the greatest source of information about nordic paganism, Snorre Sturlasson (1179-1241), who claimed that Odin was an actual person who was made into a God. Looking at these stories in this way they become allegories and stories connected to the human experience, not actual facts. Practical and non-fundementalist approaches to religion has been used throughout history. The romans for example were quite liberal in translating Gods back and forth in their Interpretatio Romana, where they believed that other tribes simply had different names for the same Gods. Thor and Mars were the same God, just as Greek and Roman Gods were the same. Romans also, famously, made actual people into Gods as Emperors were considered Gods. But many of their philosophers argued that anyone could become a god, or at least godlike, simply by being the right type of person. This is not even just a pagan view, Boëthius argues (if I am allowed some simplification) in his Consolatione philosophiae that a happy person is a God, because God is happiness. This also echoes the ideals of Epicurus and numerous other philosophers of the Ancient world.

The idea that a word is an absolute truth and has an exact meaning is something that the secular scientific community has in common with religious fanatics, and an explanation to why they have such a hard time understanding ancient people and religions. For atheists it is often baffling how people can believe what they say they believe, not grasping that they are talking about something different than an alternative to the scientific explanations. It is more of an inner world, than a factual world. And many religious people have themselves not understood that their need for a stronger symbolic language in their lives shouldn’t be mixed with the realities as described by science, that it is simply a question of having different domains.

Reducing the human experience

Rituals and symbols are important parts of what it is to be a human. It’s how we on our own, and together, can celebrate the things that are important to us. And the things that are important to religious people are also important to atheists. Birth, marriage, coming of age, midlife, death. And since I live in Sweden, where there are dark winters and light summers, we also care about seasons. We want to light candles and gather our families and friends around us during the darkest period of the year, we want to celebrate the returning of the light in spring, the lingering light of summer, and the turn to autumn.

I love celebrating Midsummer. There are few remaining religious connotations about it, but there are still a lot of rituals, and traditions. They may not mean much for most today in a religious sense, but I wouldn’t go as far as saying that they are meaningless. Still, how much can you reduce something before it loses its purpose? Do we actually want to reduce meaning in our lives at all, don’t we want more meaning? If anything we should fill them with meaning.

When I look around me in society I feel that we have lost touch with a lot of things that are important. I am pretty sure that very few people will think about their iPhones on their death beds. We seem to care a lot about things that are really not that important at all. Working in advertising I find that my own words have lost meaning. My words. Everything is packaged into time slots, into trends, into lines. We buy lifestyles, and people are hyper sensitive to trends. We look for meaning, but it’s all on the surface. It’s something you can buy. If you want to go deeper, you are left with the spirituality of religion. Or nothing at all.

Look around you, and you will see how modern people are trying to be profound in a society where consumerism and efficiency are the holiest concepts. It comes down to what scarves you wear, flaunting your connection to whatever subculture you have come to understand has meaning, is profound. But it is empty and shallow, and I think most of us understand that something important is missing. Modern society leaves me quite bored for the most part, and I think it comes down to what Marcus Aurelius talks about in his Meditations; that we shape the world through our minds. If we lose the purpose, we lose the meaning. As we are desperately trying to invent purposes that are separated from what truly matters. We live in a world governed by principles that are dictated by economy, politics and rationality, but we have lost sight of things that matter to us; family, friends, community, beauty and contemplation. “Arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” (Meditations).

Modern society, and modernism, is an expression of this soullessness that has gripped the Western world. It reduces us to consumers and producers. It fills voids with commercials and the need to gratify our needs immediately. There is fast food, fast sex, fast work, fast cars. We even invent how to be still, trying to find meaning going to meditation camps, yoga or whatever other trendy things that are on offer. In the pursuit of instant gratification it seems that many of us don’t have time to take in what it is to be alive, or to value what is really important to us. I believe it is damaging to us as a species and as individuals.

A friend told me that when the Strasbourg cathedral was built there were only 20,000 inhabitants of that city. Such an impressive building that still stands. Today we can build taller buildings by far. But most of them will feel outdated and will probably need structural repairs within 20 years. I find this image striking when comparing two societies, and I can’t escape the feeling that a society that builds to last, is a society where humans feel more at home. If we disconnect ourselves too much from our history, we will lose track of ourselves and the things that have been important to us for thousands of years.

Religious practice has been a pause in the everyday strife, and as we are getting rid of it we are also getting rid of the pauses. Of the time to reflect. Of the time to enjoy.

The atheist monk I imagine that through the ages there have been quite a few atheist monks. Men who have turned to a life of introspection and religion in times of literal belief, only to find that they did not believe in God. It has most likely been an insight they kept to themselves as they lived out their days in a monastery, following the same routines as their brothers. I imagine that quite a few of them still felt that the cloister life had meaning after they defected from their faith. I can certainly see the positive aspects of living a simple life together with others, forsaking materialism for a kitchen garden, reading, singing and whatever they do in a monastery. I am sure that even an atheist monk can find solace in singing religious hymns, and taking part in mass. I am sure many of those atheist monks did not regret their choice. In fact, some may have been atheists before, and still sought out the monastic life.

#religion #faith #atheism #secular

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hasansonsuzceliktas · 5 years

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Esoteric Tantra

#esotericism #man #sexuality #soul #spirituality #tantra #woman

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