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#but then again it could just be a really weird dream

seriously questioning my sexuality again like i have for a while but literally how long can i ignore this ❤️

#me at like 15: omg i’m totally ready to accept being a lesbian. i’m DONE with men i don’t actually like them *clueless*, #legit i think my sexuality changed. i really think it did. i’ve never been repulsed by men i could even think some were attractive, #i just didn’t want to date them and it always ended up grossing me out after a while, #but i think i might actually like them now i feel a bit different about them i think. WHY, #like i’m still primarily attracted to girls. but i MIGHT actually like men too. which is insane because i KNOW for sure i didn’t, #literally it didn’t change gradually over time like i woke up one day and i felt different about men. how the fuck., #i think i may have genuinely been attracted to men when i was very young but it gradually changed over time. which is weird but, #i HAVE heard of other people experiencing that. oddly enough, #i don’t wanna think i went thru all that at 15 for nothing... omg, #i was in a 9 month relationship with a guy when i wasn’t truly attracted to him or any other man. i was dying inside ❤️, #it was so hard for me to accept even though it really truly didn’t feel right, #i used to have bad dreams about dating men again like it seriously fcked me up, #i would date them knowing i’m a lesbian and i would think why am i doing this it feels wrong it feels wrong, #just like what happened to me in real life, #but a few weeks ago i had a dream about a guy kissing me and it didn’t really feel wrong idk -_-, #that dream was weird. first my friend who i used to be in love with kissed me, #and we were interested in each other and all that, #and then that guy kissed me and i didn’t stop him which happens in my bad dreams a lot, #but i don’t THINK it felt wrong that time. i don’t know, #i have alexymythia however the fuck you spell that, #which causes a LOT of trouble in figuring out romantic feelings, #that’s why it took me so long to realize i absolutely didn’t like men back then i never know what i’m feeling. emotional awareness 0, #i only knew because the feeling just got THAT bad, #but whether i’m a lesbian or bisexual i KNOW for sure i didn’t like men back then. as odd as that is. (if my preferences truly changed), #i flirted with this guy who was practically perfect when i was 14. he was kind and thoughtful and attractive and charming, #and i STILL didn’t want to date him. it made me feel sick. no matter WHAT there was nothing that could, #make me feel attracted to a guy back then, #anyways rant over. if anyone else has had a similar experience or has advice i’d love to hear it
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#...another dream of him. I was living with my parents. my mom was being her usual self & I had to get away. after just getting there, #actually. I spoke to hubby’s niece. she lived in another state. she asked me to visit & I could live in her area. I agreed to at least, #visit first. I asked for the address. turns out it was only 3hrs away from where I was at. I said I md go the next day. my mom was unhappy, #Bc I was leaving again. I gave zero fucks. I called his niece. hubby was w her. said he’d drive to me then we could drive up together &, #look for places to live. then I was like.. when did you become part of this? he was making himself a part of it., #he came. we left. then He started messaging me. like crazy., #then I noticed he changed his background. there were the cutest stuffed animals., #like a bouquet of kawaii.. idk some sort of animal I think. and there were 2 hearts., #there was writing in them but idk what it said but I saw a date. it was marked February 1st I think ??, #maybe the 11th ?? I don’t remember. but I was like.. weird. must be a Valentine’s Day thing ?? but why change that now? we’re not even, #close to Valentine’s Day. but it made me want to change my background to a Valentine’s Day theme also ?? lmao., #I never ended up leaving. once hubby arrived he got so wrapped up w going to this place and that place like he typically does., #I spent time w his mom while he went gallivanting. that’s always been his thing., #I was never ‘with’ him. we were never doing anything. but he.. he was doing something. always., #come to think of it.. I don’t know what it’s like to do something w your s/o. that might sound strange as all fuck but.. 🤔, #I had an odd first relationship. only relationship. I don’t think they’re all like that. I’m starting to discover they’re all different, #in their own unique way. I don’t think you’ll ever have 2 that are the same. silly of me to even think it would be the same. stupid really., #and I’m no longer talking about my dream. everything else was stupid. I never left anywhere. I was waiting. for hubby. that’s all I ever, #fucking did. was wait for him.
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