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temis-de-leon · 12 days

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MC with a selfish best friend

MC mourning the loss of a long toxic friendship with the help of the brothers.

Characters: demon brothers and fem!MC (written as platonic, but could be read as romantic)

Masterlist

CW: continued discussion about weight gain and weight loss, eating as a coping mechanism, obssesive and manipulative behaviour, emotional blackmail, a glimpse of animal neglect, a tiny nod at suicide, MC trying to hide her feelings, anxiety, TLC from the brothers

A/N: kind of self insert because I'm writing my own experience, so this isn't the most relatable MC. Still, I hope you enjoy it! Remember I'm not a native english speaker, so there might be some grammar mistakes.

Back then, not that long ago, MC was completely sure she wouldn’t go any further in life. She was stuck in college, in her family and her friend group. There was a dynamic she could work through and, although it could be better, she wasn’t one to complain.

It was a flooded basement with filthy water, but at least it lacked rats.

She just needed some time to start working on herself. Go to therapy, lose some weight maybe? Start cooking again and stop wasting money on fast food. She did use to enjoy spending time in the kitchen and experimenting, after all, but the only things she cooked during her last months in the human realm were mugcakes and pasta. Not necessarily nutritious, but easy to make.

Thank god she had her best friend.

Her companion in the basement, the one with the flashlight.

MC wished she let her hold her hand too.

“She’s overthinking again. Not good”

“Look who’s talking”

“Hey! It was just a joke!”

“Should we talk to her?”

“Maybe when she comes back, else we’ll give her a heart attack”

“Yeah, Lucifer would kill us”

“Oh, so now we’re doing this for Lucifer?”

“Don’t be selfish, Mammon”

“Who ya calling selfish?”

“Ugh”

MC listened carefully, softly smiling at Beel and Levi’s voices drowning Mammon’s in an almost silent screaming match.

She couldn’t see them from her position, her upper body completely sprawled over the armrest and her line of sight lost in the ashes of the chimney. The fire cracked, threatening to die in front of her, but it was difficult to get up when her body weighted so much. She was tired and hungry and nauseous and even the idea of sitting straight sent bile to her mouth.

Then someone walked into the common room, shushing harshly and getting the other brothers to cease their fighting. Whoever it was, probably Lucifer or Satan, must have thought she was asleep.

So MC closed her eyes, hiding her face in the crook of her arm and basking in the comfortable silence. She could hear them still; the shuffle of cards, a plastic wrapper, buttons and joysticks.

The newcomer got close to her, covering her body with a blanket and sitting at her feet before opening a book. There was enough space in the couch for at least two more people, but MC still curled up, trying to make more room for him. She stopped in her tracks when he grabbed her ankle in a gentle grip, a gesture that brought some warmth where her pants didn’t reach.

Would someone add another log for the fire? Everyone seemed too comfortable to move.

At least the blanket was thick. Pure hellish wool or something, because every animal in the Devildom was just a bigger scarier version of those in the human realm. It was also, however, softer than any type of textile she could’ve ever find back home, so the creature could spit fire for all she cared.

Suddenly, the brother caressing her ankle tightened his grip for a short moment, demanding her attention. When MC opened her eyes, she found Satan smiling at her with no one else in the room. She must’ve fallen asleep after all.

“Dinner is ready”

He let her stretch, unconsciously comparing her to a cat when she arched her back and cracked every possible bone in her body. Satan wondered if that ever hurt, but MC seemed to enjoy it very much whenever she had the occasion to do so, like when they came home from classes after a long day or when they bought groceries for the whole week and Beel.

“Did you not sleep well last night?”

“Not for a while, no”

“Is that so? Something troubling you, MC? Anything I can help with?”

“I don’t know”

She sounded sincere, but Satan didn’t buy it. Only a month had passed since MC came back to the Devildom, looking a bit more tired than when she left at the end of the first year of the program, and she’d acted ecstatic when she learnt she would be living with them again.

He was sure the problem relied in her human phone, something she didn’t have last year and Diavolo had kindly allowed her to keep.

All of his brothers, even the eldest, were greatly impressed when MC showed them how she unlocked the device with her fingerprints, as well as the human versions of Devilgram, Deviltube and Akuzon. That was a fun day, but time passed and soon the phone became an inconvenience. Someone at the other side of the line was taking their beloved human’s time, leaving her exhausted in the aftermath of their conversations and, if Satan vision’s was correct, teary eyed.

That would not continue. Not on his watch.

“We’ll look into it in another moment. Right now, let’s go with the others. Aren’t you hungry?”

“God, yes!”

They both chuckled and he forced his thoughts away. They could wait for the time being.

Beel didn’t judge her, but she didn’t feel as happy as she thought she would whenever they sneaked in the kitchen at the late hours of the night.

Opening the fridge door with slow movements, trying not to make noise while taking plates or bowls and eating in silence between giggles and short whispers brought a sort of familiarity. And Beel never judged MC. Why would he? He ate even more than her. He’d keep going long after she was finished, full enough to want to puke everything, and MC would feel a wicked satisfaction knowing that no matter how much she ate, there was someone that would eat much more.

Those nights she’d go to bed feeling sick and greasy, too regretful and high on sugar to be tired. Then, by morning, she’d force herself to eat breakfast and go on with her day just to get whatever sense of normality she could reach.

Although, lately, things had been slightly different.

They still got together at night and filled their mouths to the brim, but Beel was adamant about MC going to the gym with him when the morning came, before everyone was out of bed. Of course she’d said no since the beginning, but he kept insisting, saying she didn’t have to exercise if she didn’t want to.

MC still said no.

Then Asmodeus put his input.

“I’m not going to tell you what to do, hon’, but you aren’t getting your 8 hours of sleep and you’re adding calories during the night. That’s horrible for your skin!”

And had it been her mother saying that, MC would’ve lashed out, rejecting opinions she’d been hearing for years over and over and over again, but this was Asmo. The Avatar of Lust. The most beautiful demon in the entire Devildom. MC guessed she wasn’t being fair to her mother, who also loved her and hated seeing her so sick and tired all the time, when it was Asmo she couldn’t ignore.

“I get anxious when I go to bed” she finally confessed.

MC could feel Satan’s eyes on her, but he stayed silent.

“Spend the night with me” intervened Belphie with an honest smile, a muted worry in his eyes “I could make you so tired you wouldn’t want to get out of bed”

“No way!”

Everyone looked at Mammon and several sighs filled the room. The demon, although deeply blushing, kept talking with an overbearing smugness.

“If someone’s gonna sleep with her, it’s gonna be me! Don’t worry MC, the Great Mammon will chase the nightmares away!”

“I think sleeping with you would give her nightmares, actually”

Mammon turned to Levi, ready to swing at his brother, but MC talked before the fight started.

“It’s not nightmares, Mams, I just feel anxious. You know, like, I can’t stop thinking”

“About what?”

She looked at Satan, who was staring at her with a calculating glance, surely remembering what she told him days before when she fell asleep on the couch.

“I don’t know… Everything, I guess”

All of them stayed silent, ignoring what they were previously doing. It didn’t feel uncomfortable, but MC wished someone said anything.

Of course, Mammon spoke first.

“Well, that’s a lot”

“No shit, you moron”

Levi finally got smacked and the rest of them went back to do their own thing, letting MC’s lack of sleep behind. A part of her wanted to keep the conversation going, but she felt too embarrassed when she tried to open her mouth again, especially having Satan looking at her like a hawk.

You don't want me to stare at you? I want to. What's the problem?

She achieved to ignore him in the end.

That night she stayed in her room, pacing, chewing her sweatshirt’s aglet while humming that Phineas and Ferb’s song and turning her headphone’s volume to the maximum with a different music threatening to deteriorate her hearing.

Anything to distract herself and not go to the kitchen.

Finally, hours after bidding the brothers goodnight, MC threw herself on the bed. Her feet were aching, its footprints surely engraved in the carpet, and she forgot to take her headphones off, making the position uncomfortable, but the important thing was that she didn’t have the need to eat anymore.

However, Beel still knocked her door at dawn.

MC stared at him when she opened, bleary-eyed and mouth as dry as cotton, the hem of her pyjama pants so high they looked like pantaloons. He, on the other hand, was completely awake and seemed ready to conquer the day.

“Before you say anything, I’m not going to the gym today”

There was a heavy silence for a couple of seconds.

“Then why did you wake me up? We have classes tomorrow”

Beel stared at her with a worried expression.

“We don’t. It’s Saturday”

“Ah”

She could’ve sleep longer? MC wished she was mad at him, but his puppy stare was hypnotizing.

“I want to go for a walk today. And I want you to come with me”

He lowered his gaze for a moment, biting his cheek while waiting for an answer. MC turned around and looked at the window, still unable to decipher what time it was by looking at the sky.

There were a few things MC missed from the human realm. The sun was one of them.

“We could go to the park, feed some birds and then have breakfast somewhere else. I swear I won’t eat the seeds this time"

She chuckled, rolling her eyes when he smiled back. Then she looked down at the rolled pants and her bare legs.

“Is it cold?”

“I don’t think so, but you can borrow my jacket”

MC sighed and rubbed her eyes, waiting until the white spots disappeared before walking towards her closet. She wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again, she knew that.

“Let me change and then we’re going. But you owe me one, Beel!”

His smile was too wide for him to answer.

Breakfast with Beel ended up lasting three whole hours, which was understandable, and they spent the whole time talking about nothing and almost everything, both of them clearly avoiding the subject of her sleeping habits.

MC really did want to talk about it, but then again, what did she want to talk about exactly? She had trouble falling asleep, yes, and she’d gone back to eating her feelings, but she couldn’t point out the reason. Her nights were filled with paranoia, making her revaluate every piece of interaction she’d had since she got back home from the Devildom months ago. Did she spoke correctly? Did people understand that she was just studying abroad and not begging for attention?

She hoped her best friend dropped those accusations. MC would never stoop so low. Just thinking about it brought tears to her eyes.

“Don’t you want anything else?”

MC looked at Beel and the stack of plates surrounding him at the table, mugs and cardboard boxes stained with chocolate, whipped cream and frosting. Her side of the booth was much cleaner, but when she lowered her gaze the only thing she could think of were mugcakes and pasta and the taste of bile in her mouth at the sight of her bloated stomach.

“No, I’m fine”

She knew he loved her. She knew she could talk to him and he would listen and maybe even hold her hand, but the small restaurant was already filled with demons and witches and whatnot and MC knew she’d only be able to sob the moment she’d open her mouth, so she stayed quiet.

Beel nodded, going back to his food with a strange calmness. Maybe he was close to being full?

But no, it wasn’t that.

MC gasped when she felt his foot weakly tapping hers before going under it to support its weight. A small comfort, like the prelude of a long awaited hug.

He didn’t know how much she appreciated it.

Winter had already reached the Devildom the day MC opened her closet and stared at her clothes. No matter what she chose, everything was at least a size bigger.

She guessed finally going to the gym with Beel did have some payoff.

“Is something wrong, MC?”

Asmo turned the lights of her bathroom off, walking where she was silently standing while staring at the discarded clothes around her.

“You don’t feel like dressing up today? We can stay home and do some self-care if you want”

MC turned around to look at him with gratitude. She knew how much he wanted to go shopping, especially with her. Finals ended just the day before and everyone had been so occupied they’d barely seen each other outside classes and meal times.

“Don’t worry, it’s not that. It’s just that… everything feels wrong. I think I lost weight”

He chuckled at her revelation, hugging her waist and kissing her cheek between giggles.

“You’re taking care of yourself, silly! Whatever are you doing with Beel in the gym, I wonder…?”

She laughed and lightly hit his arm, showing no ill intent, and Asmo smiled in response, not bothering to hide his lewd expression.

“Don’t be nasty!”

“Oh, I’m just joking! But you know what this means, right? We get to renew your whole closet!”

MC turned around again, perfectly knowing that she could either spent her monthly allowance on clothes or start thinking on how she could rock the oversize streetwear style.

She sighed, trying to hide her smile with no success before speaking again. Asmo’s eyes were stuck on her.

“Very well, then” she wasn’t finish talking yet when the demon clapped his hands and jumped in excitement “I’ll trust your criteria”

He gasped and hit her arm in return.

“As you should!”

“So… how do I look?”

Mammon whistled, clapping and signalling her to turn around in response. Once she did a little twirl, he clapped even harder, not stopping even when she blushed in embarrassment and ran towards him to stop his overly excited appreciation.

“You look mighty fine, MC!”

“Stop!”

“Has anyone ever told you how hot you look?”

“Stop!!”

They were both laughing, her chasing him all around his room with burning cheeks and a gigantic smile.

The shopping bags waited patiently at the door, half of them already empty with a pile of clothes folded on the couch. Mammon had insisted on a private catwalk the moment he learnt she’d gone shopping with Asmo, his offense completely gone barely half an hour after starting the show in his room.

Every time she changed in his opened closet he’d cover his eyes with his hands and every time she came out with a new outfit he’d scream praises like a madman.

MC wasn’t used to this level of compliments and he sure was making it hard to stay calm.

“C’mon, go change again!”

“You’re acting insane right now, Mams”

She was smiling like crazy and her cheeks were hurting, but she didn’t want it to stop. When was the last time someone had been this hyped over her looking pretty? She couldn’t remember.

Then her phone rang.

MC stopped smiling when she saw the name on the screen.

She thought about answering and spoiling a nice evening because of a sour one-sided conversation. Was it worth it? Sure her friend could wait a couple more hours, right? She’d survived without MC the whole year she spent at the Devildom uncommunicated, after all.

“Is it The Unnameable?”

MC stared at her phone for one more second before turning around to look at Mammon, who was kneeling on the couch with his arms crossed over the backrest, eyes peeking with curiosity and another feeling she couldn’t identify.

“The Unname… Robdemor??”

He nodded, blushing and looking away.

“Yeah. You know, like, her name brings bad luck or some shit”

“She doesn’t bring bad luck”

MC didn’t sound as convincing as she wanted to and Mammon’s incredulity proved her point.

“Don’t be stupid, MC”

The pot calling the kettle back, she wanted to say, but no words came to her mouth. She was being stupid, wasn’t she? Everyone at the house already knew what to expect whenever her phone ringed or vibrated and they always did their best to distract her so she could leave the damn thing behind. She suspected Belphie even turned it off at one point.

Staring at her feet, trying to voice her feelings, MC talked again.

“She just… needs me sometimes”

“Sometimes??”

Mammon got up, going around the couch to reach her. He looked flabbergasted, eyes opened wide and a myriad of words stuck in his throat.

The phone stopped ringing, but soon a flood of messages interrupted the silence to call for her attention instead. When she looked back at Mammon, he had frustration in his eyes.

She decided then she couldn’t bear to see him like this, so serious and reasonable. Was it too late to go back to chasing each other, laughing while trying new clothes? She’d been capable of keeping her feelings to herself since she could remember, but Mammon wouldn’t let her do that and she feared the moment the rest of the brothers decided enough was enough too.

God, she needed to talk, but not right now. Talking would make it real and she still wasn’t strong enough for the whole situation to be real.

In a matter of seconds her eyes were watering and she felt as if her throat had thorns stuck in her flesh, but before she could do anything about it there were arms wrapping around her. MC wasted no time hugging Mammon back, trying her hardest not to spoil any tears. The tags in the back of her new shirt poked her skin, making her squirm and get even closer to Mammon’s body.

He was rocking her side to side while petting her hair and there was no doubt he’d deny the whole ordeal happening afterwards, but she let herself enjoy the feeling anyways. It was nice being taken care of.

It was the first time MC had gone to bed so early since before college. Her eyelids felt heavy and the bed was soft and comfortable, at least three blankets shielding her from the cold outside that froze her window and sunk her room in darkness.

But she couldn’t stop staring at her phone.

She’d turned the vibration off days ago, but that didn’t stop the notifications from showing up on the lock screen and, although she could also take care of that, MC still wanted to be able to read the messages without needing to open the app.

Her best friend talked about everything, good or bad. Mostly bad. How she thought her boyfriend was cheating on her, even when she was the one cheating on him, how much she was eating because there was no one to stop her, how tired she was to even clean her cat’s litter box. She’d say if MC were there everything would be so much better, she wouldn’t feel so lonely.

She didn’t ask about MC once.

“You’re thinking so hard it’s giving me a headache”

MC’s body violently jerked at Belphie’s voice.

He’d entered the room in silence, closing the door and approaching her bed without making any noise. Seeing her freaking out made him snicker, but he was too tired to fully laugh and simply laid down next to her.

“Jesus, Belphie”

“No, just me”

“Ha ha ha”

Her sarcasm didn’t affect him in the slightest. MC watched as he closed his eyes and offered his hand to held hers in a firm grasp, probably not wanting to let her go during the night.

“Turn that damn thing off” he growled against the pillow when a new message showed up.

“I’ve seen you sleep on the ground before; you can’t complain about some light”

“Watch me”

She thought he was just joking, challenging her like a small child would, but Belphie managed to surprise her when he rolled over her body, grabbed the phone and threw it to the other side of the room.

“Belphie!”

He shushed, sealing her lips under his hand before hugging her body with all four limbs, trapping her under the covers.

MC could’ve complained and hit him until he let her go to retrieve the phone, but that would’ve meant pissing him off and staring at the screen for another hour or until her friend decided it was time to show some interest in MC’s life.

…

Whoa.

…

So that’s what it was.

That simple, uh?

MC waited for something to happen at her epiphany. Nausea, panic, heavy breathing. Instead, she felt an overpowering sense of relief. Her heartbeat evened and the frown she didn’t know she had in her forehead disappeared.

No headache, no memories. For once, no nothing.

“You’re not dying, aren’t you?”

Belphie’s head rose, looking at her with suspicion, but her eyes were stuck in the ceiling.

“Why? Would you feel guilty?

He stood over her then, pouting and frowning, and MC had to stop herself from laughing.

“Okay, you know what? I already said I was sorry. You can’t hold that against me for the rest of your life”

“I will as long as I can get something out of it”

“You’re evil”

“Said the demon”

His head fell face first on the pillow with a thud and if she didn’t know him any better, she’d be worried about him suffocating to death during the night.

“Why did you ask that, tho?” MC finally talked.

“Your heart stopped for a second” he shrugged and mumbled, his hold on her hand stronger than before.

“Oh… Well… Don’t worry. I’m okay”

“Are you sure?”

No, not really, but she didn’t want to talk about it in that moment. Maybe another time, when her speech wasn’t slurred due to sleep and she could organize her thoughts with a clear mind.

She hummed as an answer before speaking one last time.

“Goodnight, Belphie”

“Sweet dreams, MC”

He’d make sure of that.

MC had been quiet for a while. Not out of sadness nor ire, but something much more private. Something that left her pensive and still, staring into nothing with a serious expression. She laughed and talked with the brothers and, from what he heard, she enjoyed going to the gym with Beel, but Lucifer knew there was another factor escaping his reach.

Whatever it was, it changed MC for the better, so he was happy.

Even when the strangest ideas crossed her mind.

“I think I’m going to cut my hair”

He looked at her, clicking his tongue in disapproval when he saw her sitting sideways in one of the chairs with her feet resting in the other. She had a book resting in her lap. How long had she been looking at him and not reading?

“May I ask why?”

“I need a change”

Lucifer stared, taking his glasses off before crossing his arms over the document he was previously reading. MC got up and walked, zigzagging her way towards his desk as if she was drunk, but she looked as hopeful as ever.

“Did something happen?”

She nodded, ignoring his question right after.

“One of these days I’m just gonna… grab a glass of wine, go to the bathroom and bam! Haircut”

He raised an eyebrow, trying to hide a smile at her words. He hadn’t seen her so playful in months and the sudden change felt like a breath of fresh air.

“Do you even like wine, MC?”

“That’s not the point”

“And you shouldn’t use scissors while drunk, especially near your head” he ignored her “If it’s money you’re worried about, I can pay for a good hairdresser”

She laughed and shook her head, partially sitting on the desk. They stayed silent for a few seconds and Lucifer let himself observe her, how she bit her bottom lip deep in thought and how her fingers intertwined with a certain force. She was probably hurting herself at that point.

“I just really need a change”

He could tell there was more she wanted to say, but that seemed to be enough for the moment. The silence afterwards felt full with comfort.

“That’s fine”

MC nodded and sent him a small smile before going back to the chair, this time sitting with her knees stuck to her chest, but before he could put his glasses on to continue his work, she spoke again.

“Here’s what we’re going to do: I cut my hair in the bathroom and then you take me to the hairdresser to style it. Sounds good?”

“Are you going to drink while using the scissors?”

“I’m not a child, Lucifer”

“Might as well”

“Hey!”

“Just joking” he laughed, but MC could tell there was some seriousness behind his smile.

“I drink wine, I cut my hair and you check I don’t stab myself on accident, how about that?”

Lucifer pondered about it, envisioning himself behind her and watching over her reflection in the mirror, a bottle of wine in the countertop and another of Demonus waiting for them in the music room. She’d be the one to clean the aftermath, that bit was obvious, but something told him she wouldn’t really care about that.

The more he thought about it, the less strength he had to fight it. She could’ve asked Asmodeus or Mammon, but she asked him. MC wanted him to be with her during her progress, as stupid as the method was.

“Sounds like a plan to me, MC”

Her smile at his words was worth millions.

It wasn’t until several hours had passed that MC wondered if Levi invited her to his room with a hidden motive in mind.

The anime came out less than a day ago and she’d never even seen an ad about it, but he’d thoroughly claimed it was made for her.

And she could see why he would say that, honestly.

Sure, no ancient dying star granted her any mystical powers that allowed her to soar the skies or wear an alarmingly short sparkly dress; and she didn’t have an animal sidekick or a romantic interest that only appeared at night for some reason. She didn’t have an arch nemesis either, but she did have the closest thing.

MC was the selfish one, apparently, because how could she? How could MC have the audacity to ignore her best friend’s messages in her desperate times of need? Her boyfriend broke up with her because he discovered the cheating and no one was there to remind her of feeding the cat, neither to monitor her diet nor to fix the consequences of her bad decisions. She was in the lowest point of her life and MC dared to lose weight and spend time with her new friends? Outrageous!

MC unlocked her phone and stared in silence at the new text and voice messages, as well as some missed calls.

You disappoint me, MC.

After all I did for you?

I’ll die and it’ll be your fault.

I’ll die and I’ll make sure you’re the one to discover my body.

You’ll never be able to forget about me then.

You’re disgusting.

MC stared at the screen, not knowing if she should laugh or cry about it. In the end she chuckled and forced down the sting in her throat.

The TV in front of her suddenly turned into a kaleidoscope and she squinted as the heroine jumped from platform to platform, blasting her wand and singing spells. If she understood correctly, the cheery character was fighting her way through the first big boss of the season, her friends close behind her.

She could feel Levi’s eyes on her, no doubt studying her reactions to see if she liked the anime as much as he did.

“Hey, Henry!”

MC turned to look at him and smiled brightly at his rosy cheeks. She expected him to explain some hidden lore or the meaning behind the soundtrack, but he surprised her with his next words.

“Yeah?”

“I haven’t told you yet, but your hair looks so cool!”

“Oh!” she widely opened her eyes in appreciation, showing her teeth in a beaming smile right after “Thanks, Levi!”

“You look… eh… upgraded. Well, no, not upgraded. Erm…” he avoided her gaze for the next few seconds before pausing the anime, letting the room go back to silence. MC kept quiet, trying not to laugh at his awkwardness so he wouldn’t misunderstand the situation.

“You look really pretty, MC. Even better than her”

Levi nodded at the TV and MC stared at the heroine, the pause conveniently showing her winning pose. Big sparkly eyes winking at her and a knowing smile occupying half of her face, as if she was approving Levi’s affirmation.

MC felt the need to cry right then and there, but she held it in.

Her phone lighted up one last time before she grabbed it and turned it off in anger. She had a couple of seconds before the screen permanently went back to black, letting her read the last message.

Who do you think you are? How could you do this to me?

MC seethed. She knew who she was, even if she was still learning. Her hands itched and she forced herself not to throw the phone on the ground with all her strength. She still needed it to talk to other friends and relatives, after all.

After an entire minute filled with tense silence, MC spoke, suddenly meek and shy.

“Hey Lev…”

“MC?”

He was staring her with caring eyes, unsure of what to do or what to say.

Fortunately, for the first time in a long while, MC knew what she needed to do. For herself and no one else.

“Would you help me change my phone number?”

She could write down the numbers of those she cared about the most and send a message asking them not to share hers without her permission.

Take care of her arch nemesis without destroying the entire world. Accept the help of people who showed joy at her improvement. Buy new clothes, change her style, cut her hair.

God, walking without that heavy weight on her shoulders would be difficult and painful, but she’d rather die before letting her ex best friend destroy her will and power one last time.

She laughed with a choke and Levi gasped her name.

She was crying.

@ourfinalisation

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whatstruthgottodowithit · 4 months

Text

Don't Ask

Fandom: Elvis Presley, American Musician

Pairing: Elvis Presley x Reader

Characters: Elvis Presley, Reader, Billy Smith, Charlie Hodge, Given Time Period We’ll Say Ginger Aldean

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 4483

Summary: All he has to do is ask.

Tags/Warnings: Reader has a name, Addiction, Drug Use, Divorce, Arguing, Crying, Angst, Love, Marriage, Kids, Substance Abuse, Failing Health, Body Issues, Body Image Issues, Weight Gain, Big Daddy Elvis Era,

Notes: okay so this was sadder than anticipated

ELVIS MASTERLIST // TAG LIST

You could hear it, the shrill ring of the telephone just beside your bed, attempting to pull you into consciousness, its calls getting louder and louder as it managed to do so. It only stopped as you threw your hand on the nightstand, fumbling around until your fingers clasped around the receiver. As you placed it to your ear you flopped back, far too casual for someone who was receiving an out of the blue phone call at three am. Then again your life had never run on a normal schedule so nothing really phased you anymore.

‘Hello,’ you yawned, rubbing sleep from your eyes as you waited for the mystery caller to make themselves known.

‘Lor? That you?’ Billy said.

‘Yeah it’s me,’ you said quickly sitting yourself up in bed. Just because you’d become acclimatised to living life at a fast pace didn’t stop ice running through your veins whenever a call like this came it. It didn’t mean that countless scenarios didn’t run through your mind as you tried to keep calm and ask, ‘what is it?’

‘It’s Elvis,’ Billy said as if it could be anything else. As if there was any other reason any of them would even bother with you anymore.

‘What is it? Is everything okay?’ you replied, trying to push the worst conclusions from your mind.

‘He’s fallen. He’s hit his head pretty bad,’ Billy said. It wasn’t exactly great but it allowed your thudding heart to slow as you pushed anything worse from your mind. Injured you could deal with. Injured meant alive.

‘What about the kids have they seen him?’ you asked, getting to your next priority. Making sure nothing terrible had happened was top of the list. Making sure they hadn’t seen it was right behind it though these days that felt like a losing battle.

‘No, no, they’re asleep,’ Billy explained before he paused. You could hear him shift, no doubt trying to think of how to say whatever it was Elvis had told him to. Whatever he had told him to ask, ‘Lor, he’s asking for you.’

‘Bill,’ you sighed.

‘Said he won’t get off the floor but anyone but you,’ Billy said cutting you off. You knew he wasn’t trying to be rude but rather hoping that his explanation would get you on side. After all you could see how possibility of having to go back to Elvis empty handed wasn’t very appealing to him because the idea of telling him you couldn’t come over felt the same way.

‘Bill,’ you said hoping he wouldn’t ask you outright. That you wouldn’t have to peel yourself out of your warm bed and drive to the house to fix yet another mess.

‘Lor please…I don’t know what else to do,’ he said, quietly.

You paused. You shouldn’t go, you knew that. You knew that this wasn’t your job anymore and yet as you thought about him you couldn’t help but wonder. Wonder how bad it was this time. Wonder what they’d do if you said no. Wonder if your kids would see him in whatever state he was in if you didn’t go to help.

‘Give me twenty minutes,’ you sighed.

As your car rolled through the gates of Graceland you felt the nerves you had been fending off the entire drive return. It never failed to amaze you how people could stand outside the gates you had just gone through, watching a house just be. How they could fantasise about the goings on inside and wish to be part of them. But that was because they didn’t know what truly lay behind those gates. They didn’t know the goings on as you did. They weren’t here with you at three am on a chilly December night; not going to a party, not going to frolic by the pool or ride horses around the grounds. No, they weren’t there for this, whatever this was of course.

As you stepped out you wondered if they would be here if they could. That if they knew everything they’d swap places with you in a heartbeat. You wondered if they were in your shoes would they be coming over to the house or would they have never left in the first place? After all, considering all you’d been through your decision to leave your husband, your home, all you’d ever known, had baffled everyone. It made them wonder. What was the breaking point? What was the final straw? And most people wondered, could it really be that bad? Surely all the good bits of Elvis Presley were enough to stay.

They had a point you supposed. Because even after you’d left; packed up your children and whacked the divorce papers in front of him you still came back for the bad bits.

‘You’re going?’ you heard your boyfriend ask as you emerged from the bathroom. You’d promised to head over to the house, to mop up whatever mess Elvis needed you to, but that didn’t mean you were going to rush right over there. It was pointless of course, to make sure you looked at least somewhat presentable, but the idea of having some control over the situation brought you a modicum of self-respect. Even if you were running back home and leaving your boyfriend in an empty bed.

‘I have to,’ you said, not meeting his gaze as you made your way around the room, dressing yourself for the chilly Memphis winter as he climbed out of bed and came towards you.

‘He’s your ex-husband Lori. Emphasis on ex. You don’t have to do anything, let his new girlfriend figure it out,’ he said. He was standing in front of you now, blocking your path to your purse and forcing you to look up at him.

‘It’s not that simple,’ you said trying to ignore that twinge in your gut at the mention of your replacement.

‘Why not?’ he replied.

‘My kids are there Tom. I mean what if they see,’ you said pausing before you let anything else slip out. Even after everything you still couldn’t bring yourself to tarnish his reputation, even if he was doing a damn good job of doing that himself. Instead you steeled yourself and moved past him, picking your purse up from where it rested on a chair by your vanity, ‘I have to go.’

‘You’re just gonna run to him every time he clicks his fingers?’ he said watching you as you headed to the door. You paused at that, your hand resting on the door handle waiting for you to make your decision.

‘What choice do I have?’ you muttered before you ran out of the door.

The house was still when you got inside, the sound of the kids running around or the presence of Elvis’ entourage now gone not that you needed anyone to tell you where to go. You headed upstairs only when you rounded the corner you found Billy sitting at the top of them as though he’d been waiting for you to show up before he dared go and tell Elvis anything. He stood up as you came into view giving you a quick hug before he turned to head towards your bedroom, your old bedroom.

‘He’s in the bathroom,’ he muttered as he walked through the room, ignoring the woman who was sitting on the bed, tears running down her face as Billy’s wife Jo attempted to comfort her. She looked up as you passed, watching you with a scowl on her pretty face that you ignored. It wasn’t that you weren’t sympathetic. After all you knew how she must’ve felt, you’d been there yourself a million times before, left out in the cold whilst he chose someone else. You just couldn’t help it. You knew you shouldn’t be there and yet you couldn’t not be.

Because he’d asked for you.

You heard him before you saw him. Billy had headed into the bathroom first, joining Charlie who was standing by the door, and as suspected he’d been missing a while causing the backlash he’d been hoping to swerve to spilled out the moment he reappeared as Elvis said, ‘and where the fuck have you been?’

‘Makin’ a call like you asked,’ Billy said.

‘That took you half an hour?’ Elvis spat, ‘honestly if I got one competent person around here-‘

‘He was waiting for me to get here. Now can someone tell me what the hell is going on?’ you asked, pushing through Billy and Charlie’s human blockade. Elvis’ angry expression melted away as you broke through the line of defence, disbelief taking over his features as he said, ‘you came.’

‘Of course I came,’ you said bitterly, folding your arms across your chest, ‘they said you were being ridiculous and won’t get up.’

‘And what, you think you can make me?’ he said, a cocky smile coming to his tired face.

‘Don’t test me Elvis,’ you said seriously.

‘Oh come on,’ he said, ‘you used to like me teasin’ ya remember?’

‘You know what forget it. I don’t need this,’ you said turning to head to the door though you hadn’t made it a foot before he spoke again, all teasing gone from his tone as he said, ‘don’t go. I’ll behave…just don’t go.’

You turned around, assessing the situation in its entirety. He was sitting on the floor, his legs out in front of him as he rested against his back the counter top. Apart from being on the floor he didn’t look too bad but it was only when you looked closer did you notice the disarray. The bottles that were scattered along the counter top and the floor from where he caught them on his way down. The discarded towels on the floor beside him, dark in colour which made it hard to notice the even darker spots of blood that had long since dried into them. The deep gash on his forehead that was still crusted with blood but blended enough into his hair line that it wasn’t noticeable at first glance. And the fear in his eyes.

You knew him better than anyone. You’d learned to read every expression that ever came on that beautiful face of his and right now you could see he was scared. He wasn’t doing this to be awkward. He hadn’t called you because no one else could help. Hed called you because you were the only one he wanted to see him like this.

‘Give us a minute,’ you said looking towards Charlie and Billy who were both standing by the door watching the pair of you curiously.

‘But-‘ Billy protested.

‘A minute,’ you said looking at him with the expression you gave your son when he was being just as cheeky as his daddy. Billy glanced between the pair of you and then nodded before gesturing for Charlie to follow him out of the room. You pushed the door shut behind them, taking a deep breath before you turned back to Elvis whose eyes had never left you.

‘So what was so important that you couldn't ask for anyone but me at three am,’ you said, perching on the barbers chair as you stared down at him.

‘I need ya,’ he said simply, colour flushing his plump cheeks as he said, ‘I can’t get up.’

‘Can’t or won’t?’ you challenged.

‘Can’t,’ he said embarrassedly, ‘my legs…I can't feel ‘em. T-that’s why I fell.’

‘We should call an ambulance,’ you said worriedly.

‘Hell no!’ he retorted angrily.

‘Elvis,’ you pressed.

‘No Lor, no ambulance,’ he said tersely though as your worry went to irritation at his tone he noticed he’d overstepped and his expression softened, ‘just please help me.’

‘I don’t know if I can E,’ you said assessing the scene before you. He’d always been bigger than you, in height for one, but over the past few years with his varied state of health his weight had fluctuated leaving him larger than he used to be meaning you didn’t know how you were going to hoist him up off the floor without help.

‘They won't understand,’ he said brokenly, ‘you’re the only one who understands.’

You surveyed him one last time, watching as he kept his gaze ashamedly on his lap, which only made tears sting at your eyes though you blinked them away. As always you couldn’t let yourself cry because he needed you to be strong. And so you sighed and said, ‘alright, let’s see if we can get you up.’

Elvis looked up at that and nodded watching you as you moved to the floor and bent down beside him to assess the situation. You didn’t know how best to get him up, the way he had landed had left him in the middle of the bathroom with only you to grab onto but as you surveyed you noticed the towel rack on the wall not too far away.

‘I’m gonna hoist this side okay? Do you think you can grab the rail and pull?’ you asked, peering into his face that resembled that of an old man and an obedient school boy all at once.

‘Think so,’ he said.

‘How much feeling have you got in your legs?’ you asked.

‘I can feel ‘em now but they’re weak…I won’t be able to hold myself up for long,’ he admitted.

‘Well let’s get you into the barbers chair,’ you said eyeing the distance between it and you. Once he was on his feet it would only be a couple of steps but the feat of getting him upright left you with that uneasy feeling once more.

‘Okay,’ he said reaching out for the gold towel rack and wrapping his hand around it so tight his knuckles turned white.

‘Ready?’ you asked, slipping your arm under his shoulder until you had a grip of him on his other side.

‘Ready,’ he nodded.

‘One…two…three,’ you said rocking him on every beat until you both thrusted forward, using his weight as an advantage to pivot him onto his feet. He was up surprisingly quickly, though his grip on your waist tightened as he stood there, unsure and wobbly on his own feet. You surveyed him looking for any signal he was going to drop but he met your gaze offering you a reassuring smile, well, until the distinct smell of dried urine wafted into your nostrils. He noticed it at the same time, his cheeks going beetroot red as he dropped his gaze to the dark stain on the front of his pyjama pants and muttered, ‘sorry…it happened when I…’

‘It’s okay,’ you said, your heart breaking at his embarrassment, ‘let’s get you cleaned up.’

He nodded and plodded the couple of steps towards the chair, your hands only letting go when he was close enough to sit down though he threw himself into the chair with an oomph and a groan. He looked exhausted. Any energy he’d had thus far vanquished in a couple of steps. And looking at him you felt just as exhausted, your battery running on empty even though you knew he needed you. At that you excused yourself offering the excuse of finding him some new clothes. He didn’t protest though you didn’t give him time to, instead fleeing to the safety of the other room. Everyone was gone now, save for Charlie who was perched on the bed watching as you flitted to the closet.

‘Is he okay?’ he asked.

‘He’s fine,’ you said though both of you knew that was far from the truth. Even holed away, protected by soundproof walls and secrecy, neither of you dared address the elephant in the room.

‘Need any help?’ he asked.

‘Nope,’ you said, tucking the folded silk pyjamas under your arm, ‘I’ve got it under control.’

‘Holler if you need anything,’ he said, watching you nod before you were gone from sight back into the bathroom. He was where you’d left him, his eyes closed as he relaxed back against the headrest though they opened as you entered making your heart squeeze as the peacefulness disappeared replaced by fatigue and worry.

You ignored it, that hurt in your heart, and instead moved to the counter, turning the tap on and running the water until it was warm enough to start filling up the sink. If you couldn’t get him to the shower the shower would have to come to him. Once the warm water was up near the top of the bowl you turned the tap off and moved back to him, your fingers working quickly to unbutton his pyjama shirt. He allowed you to remove his clothes, watching as you worked silently, the only thing offered being a grunt as you made him lift his hips to get his pants off. You moved to grab a wash cloth but when you turned back he was surveying himself, disgust on his face as he took in the body before him. Again you said nothing but this time it was less about trying to hold back your emotions but more because you didn’t know what to say. You’d told him countless times about how handsome you still thought he was. How a little extra timber suited him not that he had ever believed you. But his body now meant something different to you.

It made you sad. Not because you longed for that trim twenty something you married but because you knew that it would only be able to take so much. Because you feared that one day it might not be just his legs or his bladder that gave up on him. Because you feared that one day you might get another phone call in the middle of the night except there’d be no helping that time.

The washcloth glided smoothly across his skin washing away the sweat that had arisen on his skin from the exertion and though you knew he would probably be better with a shower there was no way you’d be able to manage that so as long as he was clean you’d take it. He said nothing, watching as you glided the warm cloth tenderly along every inch of skin, until you got to his thighs, which was when his weary face broke into a smile, his eyes lighting up at whatever dirty quip he’d cooked up in that brain of his.

‘Nice try Presley,’ you giggled handing him the cloth so that he could deal with that part alone.

‘Hey, I didn’t say nuthin’,’ he smirked making you roll your eyes as you busied yourself with getting his clothes ready.

‘You don’t have to,’ you said as you turned back around.

‘Maybe you should get your mind outta the gutter Mama,’ he retorted.

You ignored him, even when he quirked an eyebrow as you dropped to your knees in front of him, ignoring how pink your cheeks had turned as you tapped his foot to allow you to slip his pants on. He clung onto you as you got to his hips, grunting again as the exertion of moving made him breathless, his belly diminishing the amount of air able to get in his lungs. As you shimmied his pyjama shirt, moving to fiddle with the buttons on the front, his hands found their way to your hips. You knew he probably shouldn’t, that exes should never be this affectionate with one other but like with everything else Elvis was a law unto himself. Even with another girl in the other room he still held you like he would have if you were married. And more to the point you let him.

Once you finished dressing him you grabbed a comb and ran it through his locks, trying to get them into some form of order instead of the disarray they’d been in but the teeth of the comb snagged in the dried blood making him wince.

‘Sorry,’ you murmured moving to grab another cloth so that you could wash it off properly. Except this time he didn’t let you stand, as you dabbed the cloth against his forehead he pulled you onto his lap watching your face closely as you kept your eyes on the task at hand.

‘Lor,’ he said after a moment. You didn’t respond, ‘Lor look at me.’

‘I can’t,’ you whispered, refusing to meet his gaze, ‘I can’t keep doing this.’

‘I know,’ he whispered, ‘I can’t believe you came.’

‘How could I not?’ you asked finally meeting his eyes as tears started blurring your vision.

‘But you can’t anymore?’ he said dropping his gaze to your other hand as he took it in his large one his thumb stroking the back of it gently.

‘No,’ you said honestly, ‘and you have to stop asking.’

‘Honey,’ he sighed.

‘Because if you ask I’ll come. You know I will and this…I left because I couldn’t do this anymore Elvis. You know how much it breaks my heart to see you like this. To think of the kids seeing you like this.’

‘I know, I know,’ he sighed.

‘But you don’t!’ you said climbing out of his lap and brushing the tears away, ‘you don’t seem to get it otherwise we wouldn’t be in this cycle would we?’

He didn’t answer, instead he fiddled with the arm rest of the chair refusing to look up at you.

‘When I go are you gonna call Dr Nick?’ you asked. You knew the answer already but hoped you were wrong. You knew that once you were out of the way, once you’d hid his shame and guilt away he’d be back to the people who caused it in the first place.

‘I hit my head,’ he said earning a scoff. It wasn’t an outright admittance but it wasn’t a denial either. It was a classic Elvis tactic. To make you do the work. To never be in the wrong but never be in the right either. To live in ambiguity until his opponent gave up fighting. Like you had.

‘Honey,’ he sighed.

‘No Elvis,’ you said folding your arms across your chest.

‘I need him,’ he explained, ‘the pain, the achin’. I can’t take it.’

‘How do you know? You haven’t tried,’ you said exasperatedly, ‘you just pop those damn pills and hope they’ll fix everything.’

‘He’s a doctor,’ he said.

‘He’s a murderer,’ you corrected. You could see the argument building. It had been one you’d had countless times. His use of his so-called doctor ranking somewhere in the middle of worthy topics of debate, smushed in between fighting about the kids, the house, money, the other women, the colonel and work. Yet unlike all those times before you could see he was weaker now. That though he dared to stand by his actions his resilience to do so was waning and if you kept arguing you’d be no better at keeping him from an early grave than that damn doctor.

‘I can’t,’ you sighed, ‘I can’t argue about this again…I just can’t.’

‘Lor please,’ he begged.

‘No Elvis,’ you said, the firmest you’d been all night, ‘I can’t do this anymore. I asked you to choose and you made your choice.’

‘It ain’t that simple,’ Elvis said.

‘And neither was leaving you,’ you replied. The tears had broken free now, silently running down your cheeks as you said, ‘do you love me? Our life? Our babies?’

‘Of course I do,’ he scoffed.

‘So why isn’t it enough,’ you said moving to stand in between his legs. His arms wrapped around your torso, his sad blue eyes looking up at you as you took his face in your hands, dampness coating your fingertips from where his own tears had rolled free, ‘why can’t you choose us for once?’

‘I don’t know,’ he admitted. ‘I don’t know either…’ you sniffled, ‘because I choose you. Every time. Whenever you ask I come running and I just can’t do it any longer because it’s killing me…the way those pills are killing you…and I can’t let our babies end up with no one.’

‘Lor,’ he whispered brokenly.

‘This only gonna end one way baby,’ you said moving to rest your forehead against his, ‘unless you choose not to.’

He stayed quiet, allowing you to kiss his forehead before you broke free of his grasp, his hand only letting go of yours at the very last second before you slipped from the room. Charlie was gone now, replaced by the girlfriend you didn’t know the name of yet. As you wiped the tears from your face she watched you, her expression less hostile now that she could see your distress, whatever favouritism you’d been shown evidently not being a good thing.

‘Is he okay?’ she said as you grabbed your purse from where you’d dumped it by the bathroom door.

‘He’s fine,’ you replied, fumbling for your car keys.

‘Fixed him all up huh?’ she said, her stare cold and unyielding.

‘I did what he asked me to,’ you said flatly, ‘but um he’s asking for you.’

‘Oh really,’ she said sarcastically and though you wanted to argue to fight back you didn’t.

‘Yeah, he uh, he’s gonna wanna get it bed but he might need a minute to get there. Don’t fuss him too much otherwise hell get angry with you-‘

‘I don’t need your help,’ she said snippily.

‘From the way you were sobbing your heart out earlier I take it your initial go at handling him didn’t go very well,’ you bit back, offering the only bit of angry you could muster. She bristled, folding her arms across her chest with a pout on her face which you elected to ignore as if she was one of your children. Given her age she might as well have been, ‘look you wanna feed yourself to the lions go ahead but I’m here to help. More importantly I need yours.’

‘Why?’ she questioned.

‘Because I need to know has got someone. Whether it’s you or the next one who knows,’ you said, the idea of her being replaceable finally seeming to kick her into a cooperative mood, ‘just look after him.’

‘What if I don’t know how?’ she asked.

‘Call me,’ you said.

And before she could ask any more questions you fled the room headed back to your car. As you drove away, fresh tears pouring down your face you wondered again about those people at the gate. Except now you had your answer. Because even knowing everything, knowing how it was going to end, you couldn’t walk away. Even if you had to look like you had.

ELVIS TAGS

@girlblogger2002 @sania562 @caitlin1996 @literally-just-elvis-fics @notstefaniepresley @artlesson8892 @18lkpeters @velvetelvis @jaqueline19997 @elvispresleyxoxo @amydarcimarie @presleyenterprise @everythingelvispresley @elvispresleywife @lillypink @richardslady121 @lettersfromvenus @louisejoy86 @ccab

#my writing #elvis #elvis presley #elvis presley x reader #elvis x reader #big daddy elvis #big daddy Elvis x reader #don’t ask

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lilfatboy100 · 11 months

Text

Junk Food Addiction part 1

It didn't take long for you to stop wanting to gain clean. At 200 pounds, you had a thin layer of creamy fat on your body despite stuffing yourself all day every day. I warned you about health problems, which only flustered you, and I warned you about your early death, which you didn't care about. The next morning I woke up much earlier than you did and threw out all of your usual food, going to the store and replacing it with garbage. You woke up to the sound of greasy bacon frying in a pan and hurried out to the kitchen where two boxes of the biggest, heaviest donuts I could find were sitting at your spot at the table.

You quickly ate them all and happily accepted the pile of bacon I made for you as well.

"Gaining like this is so much better already!" you exclaimed, your stomach still rumbling.

You made your way to the fridge and found it filled with everything you dreamed about having: heavy cream, candy bars, fatty meats, soda, cake, and more, and when you looked in the freezer it was more fattening delights: all manner of ice cream and frozen food I would bake for you if you asked. You grabbed a tub of ice cream and sat down at the couch with it, quickly polishing half of it off in front of the TV.

Throughout the first day, you ate anything you wanted and everything I put in front of you, which led to your stomach gurgling and churning all the junk it wasn't used to as well as bloating. You paid it no mind, you were more excited that you'd eaten over 5000 calories in junk instead of 3000 in clean food easily.

In only a couple of weeks, you started gaining like a pig pumped full of grease, gaining 10 pounds in two weeks. You'd never had a gain that big before, and it pushed you to keep pushing yourself to eat past your limits every single day in hopes to keep eating more and more calories. Your gain eventually slowed down to three pounds a week, but you were still gaining steadily.

To keep your gaining up, I made you stay on the couch as long as possible each day, where all you had to do was ask and I'd bring you food, whatever and however much you wanted. You were very greedy and always asked me for food, so I brought it to you. Obesity found you very quickly, and you kept going further and further in the pursuit of more flab to play with when you got bored.

It worked and you blimped, swelling to 310 pounds over the next year. For Christmas, you met my family, who were fascinated at your appetite more than concerned at how fat you were. You had your first major health issue at this point, because you had been so lazy your leg muscles atrophied and were swallowed by fat, meaning you could barely waddle without wheezing. You took this as a reason to never move unless you absolutely had to, and the fact that you had finally grown too fat to do much of anything excited you.

I found out about two weeks later when I asked that you wanted to be *more* unhealthy than you were, and that you were excited to start having real health issues. You asked me to make you gainer shakes, the unhealthiest I could think of, so I came up with a sweet shake. It was made of sweetened condensed milk, corn syrup, heavy cream, ice cream, milk, sugar, and some soda to thin it out, and it was packed with unhealthy calories that would clog your insides. You loved to chug it as often as you could, and you started blimping again. You also asked to have all of your food fried and all of your drinks to have extra sugar mixed in, both of which I obliged to.

Your first doctor's appointment after you started gaining led to recommendations for weight loss programs, personal trainers, and diets to make you healthier again and to lose the pure fat you had put on.

"Ha! Like I'd ever lose an ounce of any of this lovely lard!" You said once we got in the car, slapping your belly.

You gleefully chugged two pitchers of sweet shake when we got home after glutting yourself on McDonald's on the way, finally sitting yourself down with a tub of ice cream while waiting for me to give you the plate of fried food you asked for.

When you reached 500 pounds in another year, you had diabetes, hypertension, and an early stage of fatty liver disease, as well as having atrophied and drowned your muscles in flab and bring barely able to move.

#death feedism #healthplay #health issues #bhm #fat bhm #fatty #unhealthy

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dollediary · 1 year

Text

He's Yours, But Am I?

pairings❥ jake x fem!reader

point of view❥ 3rd person

warnings❥ mentions of sex, body issues, dieting, signs of pregnancy, abandonment, slight verbal abuse, manipulation, unprotected sex

word count❥ 20.6k

genre❥ angst, smut

synopsis❥ falling in love with your friends with benefits is a difficult burden to carry. not using protection to feel closer to each other was fun until you missed your period, so what happens when your pregnancy test results come back positive? to you, it had been a dream come true; you knew you had to break the news to him eventually, and maybe you could finally confess your feelings to him. when you do finally tell him the news he tells you he isn't ready to be a father, requesting you to stop seeing each other. falling in love with your friends with benefits is a difficult burden to carry, but it in no way compares to being in love with your friends with benefits and having his child to carry.

note: i apologize for the absence. i was so emotionally invested in writing this story, so i just kinda lacked the motivation to wrote anything else. can't promise all of your previous requests will be fulfilled, but i'll do my best! please like, reblog, and interact as much as possible! it will help me get motivation to finish more stories and grant more requests. i'm super proud of this work, i think i'll do 3rd person from now on. i hope you all enjoy, let me know how you all like it!

"do you think i'm getting fat?" y/n asks her friend, chaewon, as she pinches her stomach, the almost unnoticeable weight gain making her frown at herself while she stood sideways in the mirror. chaewon frowns as she watched from the bed, she noticed y/n had been losing her glow ever since july ended, but she attributed it to their sophomore year in college that would be starting up again in weeks' time. y/n always lost her glow whenever school started back up.

"a little," chaewon replied honestly. "but that's normal! we've been eating well these days; it could just be a bloat, you know?" y/n thought about it for a second and nodded. that may have been the reason she's also been nauseous lately, too, having eaten more than her body could handle in the name of enjoying her summer break more. chaewon takes note of y/n's thoughtful silence, adding onto her statement, "we can always go to my pilates and yoga classes to change it back to normal if you want..?"

"maybe, i'm gonna wait a few days to see if it'll go down on its own first," y/n sighed, giving her reflection one last glance as she unfolded and pulled her oversized shirt down again, meeting chaewon on the bed with a jump and loud thud as she stared at the ceiling. chaewon only stared forward, continuing to watch tv as they stayed in a comfortable silence.

"you talk to hyunjin lately?" y/n asks chaewon, breaking the silence. chaewon only shrugs her shoulders in response.

"eh. how about you and jake?"

"we've been seeing each other in person more, and he's becoming more of a caller than a texter these days," she explains to which chaewon only responds with a hum of understanding.

"hyunjin and i are the kind who don't need to talk to each other everyday for our bond to be as strong as it is. when we're together, it's like he never left," the smile on chaewon's face awakens something in y/n: lovesickness. she pouts, but it's more of a pout of envy than jealousy, because she could never be jealous of her best friend.

"i wish i could relate," she groaned, turning to lay on her stomach as she receives a facetime call from jake. picking up the phone, she fights back a smile by biting the inside of her cheek. "hey, you!" her excitement comes out awkwardly, like a teenage girl trying to talk to her crush despite her heart and brain not cooperating normally like it had only seconds before.

"hey, y/n," he laughed, still not quite used to her shy demeanor on the phone. "you up to chill?" he asks, making y/n almost scream out a yes to him. but she couldn't, obviously. chaewon was over and she didn't want to kick her friend out just to hang out with a boy, especially knowing chaewon wouldn't do that to her.

"i would but my friend chae is hereㅡ"

"it's fine!" chaewon interrupts the girl, her head appearing behind y/n's in the tiny box as she waved to jake who responded with a nod. "i was just getting ready to head out soon," she walks closer, giving y/n a kiss on the cheek as y/n lowers the camera for privacy. "mwah. bye, i love you. let me know if the bloating goes down so i know whether to register you as my plus one for my next session."

"okay, okay. i love you too," y/n responds, chaewon leaving soon after. y/n finally moves her attention back to jake who was clearly eavesdropping the entire time with a cheeky smile on his face.

"bloating for what? are you on your period?" he asks, making her groan annoyed by his nosiness. "hey c'mon it's a natural thing, you can talk about it with me. plus, you know a period don't stop nothing but a sentence," he winks only making the girl groan more.

"you're gross," she gagged dramatically, making the boy burst out into a fit of laughter. "there's no way i'm having sex with you on my period," she added on, but he only laughed harder.

"why not? c'mon don't knock it till you try it! let's try it out today," he persists making her pout her lips as she thought about it. it could just be another thing she could cross off of her list of irrelevant things she did pertaining to sex.

"maybe, but i won't be getting my period for another week since i didn't come on it this week like the app said i would," she says, shrugging her shoulders. "huh. you didn't peg me to be the kind of guy who's into that stuff."

"oh, i'm not. but i think i'll be into anything that involves you, y/n."

"ugh, don't directly address me when you say things like that, you know how it gets me!"

"maybe i want you to get like that. how sexy is phone sex?"

"doesn't sound any better than real sex."

"maybe to you, i'm getting hard just listening to your voice."

"oh my god. goodnight, jake," y/n's eyes widened as she hung up, a small smile painting her lips.

waking up the next morning, and after immediately looking in the mirror, the bloating did not go down. a disappointed sigh left y/n's lips as she threw one of jake's sweatshirts over her tank top to cover the 'obvious' difference in her appearance as she made her way to campus, already dreading the day.

upon arrival, she met chaewon in their usual spots for their lecture, seeing the girl with coffee for the both of them. offering her friend a thankful smile, she took a sip of the coffee, eager for its bittersweetness to wake her up as it usually did. but her sip was quickly, and secretly spit back into the cup as an indescribable amount of disgust flooded her taste buds.

"jesus, who pissed in this coffee? it's disgusting," the girl asked, making her friend's eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. she'd known y/n's order by heart; it's been prepared by the same worker for months. y/n's never been dissatisfied with the taste of the coffee before.

"he's prepared it the same way he does every morning, so i'm confused," chaewon says, watching y/n try to give the coffee another chance by taking a longer sip, immediately gagging as she lets it drip back down into the cup again. now even the smell of it was unbearable. she pushes the coffee away all together.

"well it's shitty today, let's just get some more later," she responded, both girls shrugging it off as they listened to their professor's talking once again. y/n was tempted several times after the fact to drink the coffee, but she was too sickened by its taste and smell. she eventually got up and threw the whole cup away all together, hating the way her body was responding to it.

when lunch rolled around, it was safe to say they both had forgotten about the morning's coffee incident, and y/n was already more than excited to eat the lunch she had yet to order. though the summer sun hadn't gone yet, the heat was certainly making its way out. temperatures outside were fine, so the walk from their hall to the building holding the university's lunchroom went smoothly, however the air conditioning had murderous intent when they entered the building.

"god i hate this building," chaewon groans as she zips her jacket up, which worked to no avail as the fabric was nowhere near thick. y/n nodded in agreement as they both subconsciously agreed they'd eat quickly so they could just leave. getting into different lines, y/n walked over to the soup station, getting her favorite vegetable soup that always made the freezing AC temperatures more bearable. she fixes a smaller bowl than she usually would, already beginning her dieting journey to lose the weight she'd gained.

once she added her side dishes, she met chaewon at the table with the most sunlight shining through the big, wide open windows, eager to get the warmth that this building insisted heavily on denying.

"we should've just ordered takeout instead," y/n grumbled, sipping a spoonful of her soup juice as she closed her eyes, the steam from her soup fanning her face as a "thank you for choosing to eat me today." savoring the soup, as she usually did, she immediately cringed at the horrible taste that flooded her mouth. "my god, why is everything so shitty today? first the coffee, now this?" it was clear that her mood was plummeting from her sudden disdain towards the food she loved most. she pushed her tray away, saddened, making chaewon sigh with pity.

"do you just want some of my lasagna?" she knew y/n wouldn't want it, but she couldn't stand to see her best friend so upset about not being able to eat. it was a dumb question, because it was something y/n hated the most, but y/n nodded, pushing her tray over to the girl. chaewon is confused but gives her a reasonable amount to eat, not too much as it would go to waste if she didn't eat it, but not too little as to have her request for more in the event that it wasn't enough.

reluctantly, she takes her fork and digs into the lasagna, hating everything about it, but the smell seemed a lot more inviting that what it had been only months before, the time frame she first decided she hated the entree. taking a hesitant bite into it, her eyes shot wide open as she began chewing. it was delicious. and she didn't know why. she opted to eat more of it, quickly downing the food as she looked at chaewon, begging for more to which, of course, the girl obliged. she wasn't that hungry anyways.

days had gone by since y/n had found a new love for lasagna, she even branched out the different flavors they offered, becoming obsessed with the spinach-alfredo lasagna. they were two combinations she knew she'd usually hate being put together, but she couldn't stop eating them. and though chaewon never said it aloud, she was confused. so confused. especially confused when y/n had suddenly started gagging, on the verge of vomiting only minutes after she'd eaten so deliciously. but, she rushed to the bathroom with her friend, ready to assist her nonetheless.

it's was a sad thing for her, watching her friend look so sick and helpless over the toilet while her body kept forcing her food up, not even stopping after the fact that her stomach emptied, telling her she still needed to throw more up. when she finished, her whole body was shaking, and she was on the verge of tears from the burning she felt in her throat.

she insisted she was fine, her solution being to eat again to make up for the food lost, but after having several incidents of vomiting to the point of tears, all of them with chaewon being her personal witness, she couldn't quite convince the girl anything anymore, reluctantly having to agree to seeing the doctor and get to the bottom of it. but they weren't ready for any of the questions that the doctor would ask the poor, and naive, y/n.

"have you been sexually active in the last few months, miss l/n? more importantly, without protection?" doctor kim asks, taking both y/n and chaewon by surprise. she looks over to her friend, feeling uncomfortable by the question, but chaewon only gives her a sympathetic smile as she encourages her to answer the doctor.

"yes.. but i don't see why that matters?" y/n replies, essentially dismissing the doctor's question. there was no correlation between the two, she was just feeling a little under the weather. or maybe it was a result of her semi-depression from her weight gain? there were so many possibilities. "we think i may have a stomach bug," she adds on, making the doctor click his teeth in response. he sighs, adjusting his glasses as he looked past her, not wanting to cause conflict, but still needing to do his job.

"well, miss l/n, i'm not suggesting anything big, but since you have had unprotected sex, your symptoms are seeming to lean a lot toward-"

"i'm sorry ,doctor kim, but i don't need suggestions. i'm paying you to use your damn degree and use facts to get to the bottom of this, not suggest my symptoms have anything to do with the sex i have in my life," y/n spits out, grabbing chaewon's hand to lead her out the door.

"you go, i'll be a quick second," chaewon smiles at the agitated girl who only nodded as she stormed her way to the car. letting out the breath she'd been holding, she bowed apologetically to the doctor. "i'm sorry, doc. she's been really moody since she gained weight. she's usually the sweetest girl!"

"i see," he responds. "she may not be willing to right now, but i recommend coming back soon and getting an ultrasound to see if my thoughts may be correct," he says, getting ready to head out the room, since he no longer needed to be there, having other patients to tend to.

he'd already been long gone by then, but chaewon still responded to him. it was more for herself anyways. "i'll think about it."

looking in the mirror every morning became a habit for y/n. she absolutely hated the way she looked. she felt like she was in a body that wasn't her own, her mental health only worsening with each day she decides to stare in the mirror. she was lonely. she'd been skipping classes, telling chaewon she was just too lazy to go to, but doing that meant chaewon wouldn't be there to support her rapidly growing illness. and she couldn't just call jake, either. they argued too much and they both hated it, deciding that no contact was better than enduring the toxicity any longer.

but today, she couldn't endure not speaking to him any longer. she'd grown far more dependent on him, realizing her days of misery could only be made better by him. so, even though she knew that calling him most likely wouldn't end well, she hit the facetime button, watching with anticipation as she waited for him to pick up.

"y/n," his sigh of happiness only brought a smile to her face, and for a second everything felt better, even her stuffed nose seemed to clear for a second. her eyes watered, but she quickly blinked the forming tears away because no y/n you will NOT cry. "i missed you," he says, making her heart flutter as he frowned through the screen.

"i'm sorry," was all she could say, lumps forming in her throat. why did this have to make her so emotional? she'd never cried over something as simple as this before, it wasn't rare for jake to express his feelings for her in this way, but for whatever reason she decided that hearing all of this now meant and felt more than anything. "i missed you, too."

"how have you been?" he asks, making her lips form a thin line. she never did tell him of her illness, being scared that he'd stop coming over in fear of catching her symptoms.

"i've been bored, there's never anything to do these days, and i'm too lazy to go out."

"hm. then how about i come over and give you something to do?" his question was laced with suggestiveness, making her feel an uneasy amount of insecurity. she really wanted to have him come over, more than anything, but it just couldn't happen. not when she felt like this. and not when she looked like this either.

"i don't know, i'm pretty tired right now, too," she laughs nervously, making him sigh.

"please, y/n. it doesn't even have to be sex. i just want to be with you. i miss you," while it didn't seem like much to him to admit it, it meant the world to y/n. she felt like he really wanted her. and in a way, he did, so of course, she let her heart fall right into his arms. even though her doubts and insecurities begged her to say no, she refused to listen this time.

"okay," her heart was beating fast, unsureness running through her veins, but all of it was worth it. any ill feeling would be worth it if it meant she'd get to see his smileㅡ a smile that only existed because of her.

"say less," he giggled, hanging up the phone. she let out the breath she was holding, her senses awakening as she realized all of what she just agreed to. she looked at her outfit, too revealing for the way she was looking right now. "shorts are fine, but i need a bigger shirt," she spoke to no one but herself as she went to her closet to put on an oversized hoodie in hopes he wouldn't be able to see how "ugly" she'd become.

it didn't take long for him to arrive, engulfing her in his arms as soon as she opened the door. it was times like this that made her wonder, why would she even want to fight with him to begin with? she's head over heels in love with him; arguing with him only took away these moments from her. she couldn't stand it.

"pretty girl, you've lost your glow," he says after they pull away from their drawn out hug, grabbing her face, moving it around in his eyesight as he frowned. her eyes were accompanied with dark eye bags, her cheeks were puffy, and her skin seemed to have paled quite a bit since he'd last been over. she could only smile bitterly, that's what no sleep does to you, she thinks.

"it's because you haven't been here to shine on me," she laughed, taking his hand to walk to her bedroom where they both sat on her bed. he laughs along, happy upon the realization that they most likely wouldn't get into an argument since the majority of their arguments happened digitally.

"well we're together now, so that's all that matters," he says, making her smile. she nods, taking a second to look at him while he turns his attention to the tv, already browsing through netflix to put on a show or movie he thought they'd be able to enjoy. she didn't realize how fond she'd grown of him until now, but maybe she just forgets about it until moments like this come up for her to acknowledge them once again.

the universe was unfair to her, in more ways than one, but giving her this special relationship with jake made all of the hardships disappear. she liked jake. and even though she knew he didn't feel the same way, she liked that his actions made her feel like he did. and they shared a lot of intimate moments, so even if she didn't necessarily have the real label she wanted, there was nothing that could stop her from pretending.

maybe that's the thought that kept her going, allowing him to make himself at home in her heart more and more with each passing moment they shared. maybe that's what made her stop looking at other men the way she looked at him. maybe that's what accidentally brought her lips onto his, cupping his cheeks as her eyes closed in relief when he kissed her back. it was always heavenly to kiss jake, but this time it felt better than that. he kept her slow speed, not bothering to pull her on his lap, yet, as he was determined to savor this moment in fear of it never happening again. he moves his hand up to her cheek as she let hers fall down to her side, smiling into the kiss as he stroked her cheek lovingly.

it felt like an eternity, them staying like that. but, jake was never patient when it came to these things. and it wasn't far from how y/n was either, so naturally he attempted to escalate it, his body already anticipating how good they were going to make each other feel. but as soon as he attempted to slide his tongue in, y/n panicked, squeezing her eyes shut as she pulled away, face hot with embarrassment as she saw the confusion the boy had on his face.

"is everything okay?" he asked, putting his hand on her shoulder gently so as to not startle the girl more than he already seemed to. she averted eye contact, but nodded nonetheless. "did i do something wrong? did i make you uncomfortable-?" he asked further, thoughts spinning around his head as to why she'd pull back.

"no i'm sorry," cutting him off, her voice was low as she didn't really want him to hear her confessionㅡ afraid it would spiral into another argument given her contradicting actions. "i just.. dont want to have sex," all the thoughts and reasons he'd listed before flew out the window, his mind going quiet as did he.

"you're seeing someone else. is that it?"

"wha- no, jake! i just-"

"there's nothing else it could be," he says, making her frown. jake had been suspecting this for a while. he'd never had any problems with her whenever they called or facetimed, or even texted before. but for the past few weeks, that's all that's been happening. he'd somehow say the 'wrong' thing and she'd blow off on him, it would spiral into something worse, then they would just stop talking until one of them texts again. the last time he'd gone through that, his fling ended up leaving him and moving onto a serious relationship, something they swore they would never be able to doㅡ well, clearly not with him at least.

"jake, i swear it's not like that!" y/n's heart was beating out of her chest, she could feel his sadness even though everything he said was monotone. he was hurting over something that she wasn't even doing. and the way he already seemed so sure of it? it made her wonder how long he'd been feeling this way.

"then why do you keep leading me on and then backing out when you're the one who initiated it? are you seeing someone else, y/n?" his eyes were starting to gloss over, and she hated it. so, so much. she didn't know what to do. admitting the truth would only make him leave. her silence only further proved the point he convinced himself that he was making. adding fuel to the fire- "do i only tempt you enough to try but not go through with it? am i SO bad at fucking you that you have to go find someone else to do bette-"

"i'm not thin anymore, okay?!" she finally had the courage to cut him off, tears streaming down her face that had become hot from her frustrations caused by his baseless, but very, very hurtful accusations.

"what?"

"i've gotten fat. and-," she sighed, trying to regain her composure. "i want so badly to have sex with you, but i'm scared. i'm scared that i'll take off these baggy clothes and- you'll be disgusted by my body and leave me. i would never be so evil as to go out of my way to cheat and hurt you. this is only happening because i hate myself and my body for what it's becoming. i can't let you see me be like this."

"baby..." his voice is soft, contradicting the anger it projected only moments before. even though that one word was a great comfort to her, it only worsened her rainfall of tears as she allowed herself to break down in his arms. it was something he'd never understand. she was beautiful in his eyes, nothing would change that. "i don't care if you gain weight, or lose weight. hell, you could wake up bald and i would still find you to be the sexiest girl alive. don't you ever think otherwise."

she nodded, pulling away to look him in the eyes, her pout failing to disappear despite the fact that she was starting to feel a little bit better about it. he smiled at her bringing his lips to her forehead for a kiss, then to each individual cheeks, then finally to her lips in a kiss that was sweeter than the one shared beforeㅡ only she would let it escalate this time.

pulling back, she looked him lovingly in the eyes. they were shining the same way hers were as he pulled her back in for a hard, but not too hard, peck on the lips, more following after them as he wanted to bask in all the moment had to offer. her giggle only made him smile as he pecked her lips one last time before he went to shower each cheek with kisses as well. once he felt he'd spread the love there enough, he tilted her head to the side, trailing kisses over her neck, not any lower as his sweatshirt was in the way. moving back up, he kissed her ear before he whispered a low "take this off," while tugging on the sweatshirt that had now become a barrier between the two of them.

obeying his request, she lifted the fabric off, throwing it across the room as her body shivered from the temperature change on her bare arms. he laughed, latching his mouth back onto her neck, this time carefully sucking, leaving his own marks of love behind for her to be able to look back to if she were to question his love for her again. tugging the bottom of her shirt as she assisted him in lifting it off her head, the shirt being carelessly thrown somewhere across the room like the jacket.

he changed his position, kneeling with either knee on her side as he pushed her slightly to lay her down on the bed. he stared down at her body, scanning the beauty she was. it was then that she realized she had nothing to cover her top half, her stomach was on display for him to see and, despite his comforting words, she became embarrassed. not wanting to make it obvious that she was feeling insecure, she pulled him down to connect their lips together. letting their tongues dance with one another, he lets his hands travel down her sides, moving to spread her legs for him to grind his crotch against her, the sensations leaving them both gasping at how much they'd been neglecting their sexual needs with their petty arguments.

"fuck," she moaned into his mouth which only drove him crazy. god, words couldn't explain how much he loved those sounds she made. he pulled away, going to take off his shirt while she nearly drooled at the sight of it. everything about that man was perfect to her.

"fuck, y/n," he breathed out as he kept rolling his hips against hers, biting his lip to hold back the lewd sounds his body begged him to make. "how am i supposed to go slow when you're this sexy without trying?" his words made her tear up as she covered her face which was now hot with her shyness. the sight of it made his hips stutter, of course only she could bring him that close to climax without doing anything but being her.

he moved away from her, the warmth they shared being the first thing they missed as he pulled her shorts down, throwing it across the room as she leaned forward to pull his sweatpants down enough for him to scoot out of on his own. his cock sprung up, hitting his lower abdomen as she stared at it in all its glory: fully erect, reddened tip glistening with precum. just how she liked it. they both giggled at the fact that they both were intentionally not wearing underwear. "wanted to fuck me that bad, huh?" he smirked, leaning down to connect their lips in a kiss which she smiled in. when he pulled away she smirked back at him.

"i could say the same, baby."

he sucked in a breath, halfway opening his eyes as he began lightly stroking himself, making sure to make eye contact with her. "ah- y/n, you don't know what you do to me," he whimpered as she could only watch him with doe eyes. before he could get too comfortable stroking himself, and before she could get too comfortable watching the show, he rubbed his tip through her folds, then circled her clit (just to make her feel good) before he slowly inserted himself in.

she winced at the stretch, it really had been a while since they last had sex. he bit his lip as he pushed all the way in, unmoving. he moved his hand down, using his thumb to rub on her clit which resulted in her clenching around him. he slightly threw his head back, sighing in content at the feeling. "that's right. keep doing that," he says as he pulls out nearly all the way, only to slam himself back in completely before he decided on a pace. everything about their togetherness was just right. they knew exactly how to make each other feel good. that's what lovemaking to them was. they didn't need to be slow paced or have foreplay or perform oral before they fucked; the love showed in the way they could absorb every essence of each other's being. the way their energies combined and turned them into one.

his pace wasn't too slow, nor was it too fast. it was just enough for her to feel all of him, and it was enough to hit all the right spots, wherever she needed him most. the room was silent except for the small sounds of pleasure they both made, accompanied with the sex sounds their bodies created. he leaned forward, connecting their lips in a sweet kiss, cause everyone knows he couldn't get enough of kissing her. she returned the kiss, tears prickling in her eyes from how good everything was feeling. she loved this. she loved him. "i'm close, baby," he pulled back to announce, speeding his strokes up ever so slightly as he chased his high.

"me too," she announced, this time clenching around him more while her heartbeat only raced, each thrust bringing her closer. he rubbed circles around her clit faster as her moans started becoming more vocal, the pitch raising with each thrust until one thrust finally hit the spot. "ah, jake dont stop," she begged as he sped up to chase his own high. "dont pull out, it's okay! fuck i wanna feel it." he couldn't hold back any longer upon her words, thrusting one last time before he came to a complete stop, filling her with his seed.

"fuck," he breathed out, slowly lowering himself to be on top of her. he scooted so that she could be able to lay her head on his. it wasn't often that jake would stay cuddled up to her after they finished having sex, but he felt like he owed it to her for how shitty he had made her feel without knowing the full story. it wasn't often that he whispered sweet little nothings into her ear while stroking her hair, but tonight (despite their strict forbidden rule of affection) it felt needed. and he was willing to give her anything he felt like she needed. every action and choice he decided to make only further showed that he loved her, in a way.

even though he was sure he wasn't capable of feeling it anymore, this special relationship jake shared with her made all of his doubts about love disappear. he liked y/n. and even though it was something he'd never be able to express or accept it, he'd let his emotions be shown in the moment as they were. and, like most of everything that they did that didn't make sense, it always seemed to work out.

the sun shining through the blinds, accompanied with the unforgiving air conditioning that froze her skin, y/n yawned as she got up, rubbing her eyes. pulling the blanket up to cover her body, she looked next to her for jake, but he wasn't there. she knew that regardless of how affectionate he was last night that there'd be a chance he would still leave during the night, but it hurts to know that no matter what he'd say or do, he'd still be gone in the morning.

her tears start their early morning shift, brimming in her eyes as she pouted at the whole idea of him leaving her altogether. the tears turning into a rainfall of agony as she sobbed to her heart's content, only to be interrupted by her overwhelming need to puke. running to the bathroom she can't make it to the toilet, having to quickly choose between the floor or the sink, her brain choosing the latter of the two.

holding the edge of the sink, her head was bent over so as to not make too much of a mess. she let her first round of puke come up, feeling disgusted with herself for not being quicker. one she was finished she barely had time to recover as she took the chance to run to the toilet, finally being able to vomit there as she originally intended. it hurt and tasted like hell after she was finished, but that of course wouldn't be the end of her misfortune. upon hearing her alarm go off, she realized that she only had 15 minutes to get ready.

snoozing the alarm she immediately dialed chaewon's phone, screaming incoherent words as a weak attempt to ask for help. chaewon's eyes widened as her car's speaker blasted y/n's crying into her ears. "woah, woah, woah!" chaewon said, cutting the girl's screaming off. "talk in a way where i can understand you."

"i keep- i can't stop throwing up, i'm scared i wont be able to make it to school!" she cries out. "please chaewon, i know i ask for a lot but i need you right now," she begs the girl who was only two or three turns away from the university building. as the red light finally turned green, she sighed, making a turn that led her back on the path from where she'd originally traveled to come to school.

"i'm on my way," she lets y/n know, making her way to the nearest drugstore to make a quick purchase. y/n sighs of relief, her tear stained cheeks lifting slightly as she smiled at her friend's support through her hardships.

"thank you, chae," she says, holding onto her now empty and hurting stomach. "i'll make it up to you."

"you don't have to make anything up to me y/n. you need my help, so i'm giving it to you. just please take care of yourself until i get there, i have to make a quick stop, okay?" she says as she gets out of the car, her phone call disconnects from the car and back to her phone.

"okay," y/n sniffles as she begins coughing up a storm, gagging as she tried her best to hold down another load of vomit.

"okay, i'll hang up first. bye."

not waiting for a response, she ends the call and walks into the store. after a quick search, she immediately went over to the corner where the items lay bare for everyone to see. she picked up one of the pregnancy tests, ignoring the looks she felt on her. it was nobody's business anyways. when she went over to the register, older customers gave her judging looks, which she only smiled in return at. as soon as she got to the front, she smacked the box down, not bothering to get any other items as it would just add onto her time in the building.

"what are you hoping for?" the young cashier attempts to ask her kindly, but you can tell she was judging her too. if it had actually been chaewon in this situation where she'd need the pregnancy test for herself, she would have been passive back, but it's not her. so she didn't need to be letting it get in her head regardless of how stressful it was to be here.

"a girl," she puts on a fake smile and enthusiastic voice, praying the kid would hurry up and scan the item. once she was done doing that, she put the item in a plastic bag, quickly handing it to her.

"wishing you the best of luck as a mother!" she says to which chaewon could only nod at as she rushed out of the building and back into her car. now, chaewon wasn't the kind of citizen to speed. she knew it wasn't safe for anyone and honestly she hated it because it never felt nice to her body, especially when she was the one behind the wheels. but after the call with y/n, she had to because she knew how much y/n needed her there.

when she had let herself in using the key that y/n gifted her months ago, she ran quickly to see the girl's head hanging carelessly in the toilet as she barely moved. "y/n?" she asks, going over to her. y/n only hummed in response to assure the girl that she was still conscious. she wanted to talk, but everytime she tried to muster up words, that awfully familiar gagging overpowered her. and she didn't want to go through throwing up again, so she gave up, resorting to laying in her misery as there was nothing more she could do.

"gross, y/n," chewon says as she moves over to the sink where it was filled with her vomit, the scent making chaewon gag a little. she turns the sink water on, going under the sink to get some bleach out in hopes of it helping with washing it down. "you couldn't make it to the toilet in enough time?"

"no," y/n cries out, voice hoarse from all of it already as she gags more, another load of vomit forcing its way up as the scent of her throw up and bleach met her nose. chaewon yelps as she helps the girl throw up smoothly, holding her hair back until her body finally realizes she couldn't throw up anymore, though it was already too late by now.

the cleanup process went a lot smoother than they both expected. chaewon ordered y/n to get a sip of water to soothe her throat while she busied herself with cleaning the sink and the toilet since y/n was already so careful not to make a mess anywhere else. when both of them were finished, they laid on y/n's bed with chaewon stroking y/n's hair, the pregnancy test being the only thing on her mind. she was torn. she didn't know if she should bring it up to her, but it was the only thing on her mind since they first went to her doctor's appointment. she also was scared it would upset y/n. her emotions were unstable as of lately, and she didn't want to be on the receiving end of it, at least not now.

"y/n?" she finally speaks up after a few more minutes of internal conflict about it. y/n hummed in response. "you and jake don't use protection, right?" she asks, making y/n groan annoyed. "don't catch an attitude with me, just answer the question."

"we don't use protection, chaewon."

"okay then does he like, you know, pull out?" she asks further, making y/n stiffen up in embarrassment.

"yes."

"are you sure?"

"yes chae! god damn it," y/n says as she finally catches onto what chaewon was suggesting, blowing off the steam that was building up. it makes chaewon a bit more hesitant, but she has to do this for her; she didn't want y/n to keep living in denial if she didn't have to.

"y/n, i need you to think really hard about this. i get that you're frustrated, but i'm only asking because i want to help you... please. there has to be a time when you weren't sure if he did or not. or maybe he was a little too late to?" she is careful with her words, but they still manage to break y/n's walls down as she bursts into tears upon remembering the one important night she had so carelessly forgotten.

"there was- uh one night," she says. "i don't remember if he'd pulled out soon enough because we were both too tired to be safe about it."

"do you remember when?"

"i think it was sometime last month, but i don't really remember. all I know is that i texted you to hang out the day after because the sleep i got was so good. god chae, i don't even want to think that this could be a possibility," y/n was exasperated. she didn't want to be pregnant. anything but that. but chaewon just kept pushing the idea in her head, making her terrified that it'd be an actual possibility.

"i know, love, but i'm asking this for your own good. now, i have something for you, but you can't freak out okay?" she says as she lifts the girl's head off of her stomach, leaning into her bag to pull out the box she'd purchased.

"okay," y/n says as she looks over to chaewon's busy hands as she puts the box behind her back. "can i see?"

"okay, breathing under control?" chaewon asks. y/n nods. "and don't. freak. out. it's going to be okay," she adds on. y/n nods again as she breathes steadily, her eyes closing as she gathers her senses together without anticipating what chaewon could give her. "keep your eyes closed and just grab the box i'm about to put in your hands.

following her instructions, she gripped onto the box as soon as she felt it in her hands. opening her eyes, she couldn't help but tear up at the sight of it. she knew that her friend would give it to her eventually, but now? she wasn't ready. her grip on the box tightened as she shook her head.

"it's okay, y/n. calm down. breathe, then get up and go take the test," chaewon said, lifting the girl up as another form of encouragement. "no matter what the test says, i'm here with my undying support for you. fighting girl!"

"fighting," y/n sniffles as she goes into the bathroom, leaving an emotional chaewon behind. she sighs, laying down again to stare at the ceiling, her own tears starting to form. it hurt. all of it. from having y/n taking her frustrations out on the girl, down to each tear that spilled from y/n's eyes as she realized her life could truly be changing. she hated seeing her best friend cry, especially knowing that she didn't deserve any of that heartache. it felt selfish to sit and cry about it as if she were the one in y/n's place, but she couldn't help it.

taking a shaky breath, she exhaled in an attempt to calm herself down. she needed to be rational. if this is hard for me, then it must be hell for y/n. she quickly wipes her tears as y/n screams and falls to the bathroom floor, only a few minutes after waiting for the results. chaewon ran into the bathroom, shocked by the solemn scene in front of her. y/n, with shaky hands, held up the test to the girl's face. it was an unmistakable "YES+" on the stick. with widened eyes, chaewon pulled the sobbing girl into a hug. y/n was actually pregnant. and with jake's child at that.

"i don't want it!" she cries out as chaewon nods, quickly removing one arm from her as she began looking up clinics for an abortion.

"okay, i found some clinics," the girl says. "we can set up an appointment when you're all calmed down, okay?"

"okay."

"now let's get you to bed; you look terrible," she helped y/n clean herself up, brushing her tasseled hair into a low ponytail, washing and moisturizing her dry face, putting her pregnancy test into a bag just in case. by the time they were finished, the atmosphere had calmed down and everything seemed okay now that y/n came to terms with her conditions. she was just glad that this would all be over soon.

when the two girls finally got settled down, they decided tonight it'd be best if y/n wasn't left alone. cuddling while watching bojack horseman, talking didn't seem all that important now that y/n had a warm embrace that wouldn't leave her in the middle of the night. she nuzzles her head into chaewon's neck with a yawn. "thank you for taking care of me, chae. i love you." it catches chaewon by surprise, but she just silently smiles, deciding not to say anything since y/n was audibly snoring by now. looking down at her best friend's sleeping figure, she pauses the show and prays to god that y/n, and everything, will be okay.

august 31st. today was the day y/n's life would change forever. she wondered why nobody told her that the drive to the clinic would be so gut wrenching. when she arrives, she signs in for her appointment and sits down to wait. she got a good look around the building. there were many people here, some accompanied by lovers, others with parents, while there was the noticeable few who were alone like she was. the air wasn't as thick as she'd anticipated, but she learned from chaewon that not everyone who went to these buildings were there for abortions. a big part of her was jealous of that because oh how nice would it have been to have been able to find comfort in such a heavy decision. but the other part was thankful; she wouldn't wish this dreadful feeling on her worst enemy, and yet here she was, feeling it to its fullest extent.

chaewon sadly couldn't make it. well, y/n wouldn't allow her to, begging her not to miss any more days. it was a difficult thing to convince her, since she knew chaewon could switch to online school like she temporarily opted to do for a more flexible schedule during her pregnancy until she could put an end to it and go back to her regular classes. she'd already caused chaewon to miss so much, she'd feel guilty if she'd done it again, even if right now all she could do was wish she let herself be selfish one last time because all she wanted was to be comforted by the only person who could possibly understand her problems without judgment. she sighed, sinking down into her seat as she watched the muted television on the screen, praying her turn would come soon so she could get out of this place.

"y/n l/n?" a sweet nurse's voice called out as she looked around the waiting area. y/n's eyes widened as they were met with the nurse's who beckoned her over. her heart was beating fast as she walked behind the lady who was escorting to one of the clinic rooms where she would soon be met with the doctor who would be performing the abortion. being left alone in the room was either one of the best case scenarios right now, or possibly the worst. she could be alone for a second to calm down, or she could potentially break down before the doctor could even speak a word to her. deciding she's already cried enough tears this month, she opted to taking a deep breath to remind herself that this was her decision to make, and this was what she wanted.

"good evening, miss l/n, i'm doctor kim," a voice spoke as it entered the door. y/n turned her head slightly to the woman. she was around her mid-forties, but something about her reminded her of her mother, her aura was comforting in that sense. "i assume you're here to get an abortion performed?"

"yes, doctor," y/n responds, lowering her head since she'd suddenly become afraid to make eye contact with the woman upon the mention of the specific procedure that was soon to be performed.

"oh, miss l/n," the doctor pouted, making y/n look up at her. "before we start, i'm legally obligated to tell you the process before we perform it," the doctor explained as she placed her gloves on with a slight smacking sound. y/n nodded, then the process explanation began. as the words spilled out of doctor kim's mouth, y/n couldn't help but feel sick to her stomach. her brain started zoning out everything the doctor was saying, the only phrase she could hear in her head was her brain telling her to get out. all she could think to herself was i don't wanna do this anymore. what felt like hours, but was only around ten minutes later, the doctor finally brought her attention back with a clap.

"so?" she asks. "are you ready?" offering a comforting smile that made y/n feel anything but. she could hear her heart beating inside her chest, her breathing suddenly drowning out all the noise around her. suddenly everything felt all too much yet nothing at all. she stayed still, trying her best to process her emotions, to state her peace, or to just right out leave.

"i need to use the restroom," she squeaked out, tears brimming in her eyes as she avoided any form of eye contact with the older lady in front of her. doctor kim senses the mood shift and sighs. this was an often occurrence, so she could only understand where the girl was coming from.

"look, kid. abortion isn't for everyone," she says placing her hand on her shoulder. "you're young so you think it's the only option for you, but it isn't. there are lots of good young mothers. you can do this. i don't want you to make a decision you'll end up regretting for the rest of your life. i can see you care about your baby. give them a chance at life, give yourself this chance in life."

y/n frowns, her lips quivering as the building tears spill from her eyes. "i'm sorry," she says, burying her head inside her hands. "i'm so sorry," she apologizes, unsure what she's really sorry for, she just felt like this was all she could say.

"don't be sorry, miss l/n," doctor kim responds, helping the girl to get off her feet, taking her over to the sink to help her get herself together again. "you know, you can always come back again. we give free ultrasounds, i'm sure you'd love to see your little angel growing."

”i'll try my best," she responds as soon as the tears subside. they bid their farewells and just like that, y/n was on her way back home. and, though she felt a huge burden had been lifted off of her shoulder, she was devastated. she had to tell jake.. and that was the biggest burden of it all. exhaustion was the first thing to hit her once she arrived back inside, she was so exhausted that she almost didn't take her shoes off at the doorㅡ almost. she goes to lay down, flopping on her bed to stare at the ceiling. it was weird. this has been the first time she didn't feel the need or want to cry. instead, her brain was doing its best to think logically despite not knowing exactly what to do.

she knows one thing for sure, though: she has to call jake immediately to have him come over to break the news to him, but the problem was that she was scared. she knew without a doubt that jake adored her, but he didn't love her. they were fuck buddies, not lovers, so in terms of what she could expect from him, there was nothing. she was at a complete blank, her only way of finding out would be to put herself in the position to do so. and though she hated the idea of having to do it, it wasn't just some decision she could just back out of. so, she picks up her phone, her hand shaking as she clicks the button to dial his number. the phone rang a few times before his sweet voice sung into her ear. "hello?" he asks, making her fears start to pile up. what exactly was she supposed to say to him?

"can you come over?" she asks, her voice tinier than the sureness she was feeling. "please, like hurry up. i'm sorry for everything, i can't be on the phone too long, just hurry up." upon hearing that, jake's heart broke into pieces. he could barely process what was happening, all he knew was that he was rushing out the door and into his car as he sped to her house. after she ended the call, she released the breath she was holding, getting up to look at herself in the full body mirror. she lifted her tank top up, rubbing her 2 months pregnant belly as a river of relief washed over her. there was something so comforting about the "weight gain" now. and she decided that, no matter what, she was going to keep it. in the midst of admiring her changing body, she jumps upon hearing jake's banging on the door.

he was anxious, thinking the worst upon her sudden call that lacked context, but he didn't want to assume the worst as he was still feeling guilty about what happened last time he'd said his unspoken insecurities aloud. with her heart beating fast, she opens the door and silently lets him in. stay calm, y/n. she keeps reminding herself in her mind as she knew that was the best way to get through this challenge. she ushers for him to sit on the bed, quietly taking a seat next to him but with great distance as she was still fearful. he notices this, so when they finally make eye contact she could see the insecurities blooming through. and it broke her. "i'm so sorry," she bawls out, throwing herself onto him. her tears dont catch him by much surprise, but it doesn't stop him from feeling the emotional toll from them. he is sad, but he accepts the pitiful embrace. she's really done it, he cries to himself, the tears landing on top of her head.

he doesn't even want to ask who, why, or even why he couldn't just be enough for her. he just wants to lie and pretend it's all okay so that she'll stay with him, even if he'll regret it. "i'm so sorry," she apologizes for the hundredth time, to which he once again responds with his verbal forgiveness. she hated it. she hated being a coward in that sense. she hated not being able to tell him of her pregnancy, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. "please don't leave me tonight," she begs as she was scared to wake up without him again because there was no certainty that he'd ever come back. he gulps in an attempt to swallow the lump forming in his throat. it doesn't work. "okay," he responds, not sure of what else he could possibly say to her. how can you comfort someone when you're in need of comfort, too? "i mean it, jake, i can't stand waking up without you, at least not now," y/n admits and it hurts jake. "promise me you'll be here when i wake."

"i promise," he says, determined to fulfill whatever need she asked from him in hopes of her continued loyalty to him. "i'll stay forever if i need toㅡ if you need me to," he says as if his honesty wasn't convincing enough. she knows he doesn't mean it in the way she needs him to, but she still lets his words comfort those unheard doubts that are plaguing her mind. she eventually pulls away, looking him in the eyes as she offers a bitter smile. she brings her thumbs up to wipe his tears away. "there's nobody else, jake," she says, seemingly being able to reassure him without him having to say a word. he sighs, and smiles back at her, choosing not to question the real issue she wanted to bring up to him. if it hurt her that much, he would wait longer to find out. but, to him, nothing could be worse to him than her finding a new man. so he'd be ready to accept and forgive anything else that she felt would burden him.

"let's just sleep," he says, laying down. she nods, moving so that he could lay on her chest. her heart was racing; she could never get used to the feeling he gave her. he smiled at the rate it was going. all of that was for him. oh, if only he knew that all those unspoken feelings were mutual. maybe then things would be easier for the two of them. but, as of right now, they would both continue to suffer in this lovesick state.

it was easy to fall asleep with him like that, and it was even easier to wake up with him in her arms. the sun was shining on them, the AC's temperature was just right for the two of them who had forgotten to get under the blanket, and the air was calm. it was a state of being that she didn't want to leave, but she had no knowledge of his work schedule, so she needed him to be up. she kisses the top of his head shyly. he scrunches his nose while she continues doing it until he moves enough for her to understand that he, too, was awake. "good morning," his voice was groggy as he was still not fully awake. she doesn't respond, letting him get up to freshen up. he walks into the bathroom, sitting on the toilet to go about his business. once he finishes, he flushes and goes to look at himself in the mirror.

his hair was disheveled and his eyes were puffy, but he felt like a million bucks as he smiled at his reflection. "nobody else, huh?" he giggles, smile widening as he applied the soap on his hands to wash them. once he finished washing them, he began drying them off on the towel as he started wondering what she had to tell him last night.

when he goes back out, he finds y/n in the kitchen grabbing some frozen breakfast burritos out of the freezer, the meal that had become one of her recent food obsessions. "baby?" he calls to get her attention, failing to see the smile she cracked as her back was turned to her. she only hums in response as she continues to plate two burritos for herself. "i'm not gonna push you to tell me anything, but i just want you to know that whatever it is that's burdening you, it's something we can get through together. there's nothing that can possibly drive me away from you. i'm ready to listen whenever you're ready to tell me."

her moves falter a bit, but she regains her composure and continues preparing her breakfast. once the microwave beeped, she met him at the table, opting to eat as a way to get her thoughts together, his words ringing through her head as she did so. when she was finished chewing her first few bites, she cleared her throat. "i'm pregnant," her voice held no emotion, so little that you wouldn't be able to tell her nervousness had it not been for her hands shaking as she held the fork midair.

"i-" he paused, not knowing exactly what to say. he was in shock. and, from the looks on her face, he knew that it couldn't be a pregnancy scare because it looked like this has been weighing her down for a while. he knew his reaction to this information would be contrary to his previous words, but he didn't expect it to be this serious. "are you sure it's mine?" he asks, breaking her heart. a huge part of him could believe she was pregnant; everything was starting to make sense from her weight gain to her overly emotional state, all the way down to her eating habitsㅡ he knew she absolutely hated burritos.

"there's nobody else, jake," her voice cracked as she offered him a small smile, the corners of her lips barely lifting as she did so. oh how comforting those words were to hear last night, but now they struck him in the worst ways possible. she looked at him, his expression unreadable as he stared directly through her each time she'd lift her eyes to check his gaze. the cat was already out of the bag, so what's the harm in emptying the mess it left behind? "and i... i want to keep it." he didn't know what to say. he didn't know what to do. and he didn't want to hurt her, but what about himself? he isn't a bad guy. it takes two to get knocked up but-

"i'm not ready to be a father," his words came out quietly, scared that hearing it himself would make the guilt he felt feel worse. and it did. the look on her face when she finally looked him in the eyes, if her glow was already dull, he'd taken it away. the words already did their damage, now he has to stay true to them. he got up from the table, hands shaky as he pushed the chair in without a word and he offers her an apologetic bow as if that could take everything back. "i'm sorry y/n." he didn't know what he expected. who would forgive a deadbeat anyways. she didn't say a word, opting to keep her head down in shame. she stayed that way, not even bothering to move even after she heard the door close behind him, announcing his genuine departure from the home.

y/n wasn't nearly as sad as she thought she'd be. chaewon was right, it would hurtㅡ and for a long time it did. "but once you feel okay, even for a second, everything will be okay," she told y/n. and that's what it was, after 2 months of tears, her brain shifted its focus from the pain of his absence to the changes her body was making. she noticed the small bump in which the baby was forming became more noticeable in her shirts. deciding to embrace this, she stopped wearing baggy clothes. and chaewon never failed to remind her how beautiful she looked whenever they'd go out. she noticed she started to gain weight, but it didn't make her upset.

instead of looking in the mirror with disgust, like she had done before she found out about her pregnancy, she spent her lonely nights smiling in the mirror as she rubbed her tummy. her earlier pregnancy symptoms started to lessen, and her eagerness to visit the doctors increased as she was always excited to look at her ultrasound. she no longer dealt with nausea, being able to feed both herself and the baby without fear of regurgitation, but she soon found that her stamina had also begun to change. she spent most of her off days homebound, as moving around too much could easily take her breath away.

"alright, ms.l/n," the doctor says, spreading the ultrasound gel onto y/n's tummy, the coolness giving her chills as its temperature mixed with the cold air that the air conditioner blew. "let's see how this little rascal is coming along, shall we?" doctor kim asks, moving the transducer around as real time images of the fetus started coming onto the screen. y/n tilts her head backwards to look at the screen, smiling at it.

"aww, it's got its thumb in its mouth," she cooed, putting on a happy pout to chaewon who was indulging in the screen as well. taking her eyes off of it, she signaled the doctor's attention while y/n stayed in a daze, watching her baby as it minded its business in her tummy. "are we going to be able to tell it's gender soon?" chaewon asks, making the doctor nod in response. "how long will that be?" she adds on, making the doctor think about how far along y/n was by now.

"we should be able to tell in the next week or so, from what i'm seeing, if its a male, its genitals haven't developed yet, so we'll have to wait to see if any more developments, in that sense, occur," doctor kim says, moving the transducer more around the head area. "we'll have to develop the photos before you leave, miss l/n."

"oh, please, doctor!" y/n exclaims excitedly as she continued to watch the screen. "oh my room is gonna be filled with framed pictures of these!" she claps, making the other two girls in the room smile at her joy. it was a huge change in attitude from what they'd seen just five months before. clapping her hands together, doctor kim begins to clean up the gel and transducer, putting the items away as she begins the printing process for the ultrasound pictures.

once chaewon and y/n left, they decided to go to the store to get more groceries. "i want fruit roll ups," y/n said as she looked at the aisle signs, searching for the one that displayed where the snacks were. once she spotted it, she dragged chaewon, who was holding the cart, directly to the aisle. chaewon could only giggle at her friend with the roll of her eyes. "we gotta get some healthy snacks too, love. how about some nature valley bars?"

"i don't know..." y/n responded. "i just want something sweet and chewy right now, but i could go for some dorito chips right now if you want me to eat something crunchy," she says, mouth watering at the idea of it. "nope. nope, nope, nope, nope," chaewon says, grabbing y/n's hand while she used the other one to steer out of the unhealthy aisle that they'd already stepped foot in. "we're not feeding your baby that junk, let's just stick to fruits, okay?"

y/n grumbles a complaint under her breath, but she complies as they go to the produce aisle. "let's get chocolate syrup, too. for the strawberries," she begged, which chaewon mindlessly nodded to at this point, being too busy putting boxes of berries into the cart. "then go get 'em," she says, shooing the unoccupied girl. y/n nodded as she walked over to the isle where it'd be held. she hummed a nameless tune as she looked around for the brand she wanted. picking up two different bottles, she pouted in thought, turning her head back and forth from them.

hearing a groan out of nowhere, with a familiar base in the voice, she scrunches her eyebrows and turns to where it came from. her heartbeat picked up as a distracted and frustrated jake came into her view, only around 5 feet away from her. just then, she felt a sting in her stomach. "fuck," she cursed to herself. the baby was kicking. she, with shaky hands, quickly threw one of the chocolate bottles back onto the shelf as she waddled away as quickly as possible. it had been so long since she felt the rush jake gave her. she was no longer mad at him because of what he did to her, but she was still pissed off at what he didn't and wouldn't do for their baby. "were you kicking me because you couldn't kick daddy?" she cooed rubbing her stomach as she saw chaewon rolling over to her.

"what about the baby's daddy?" chaewon asked as they began walking side by side. y/n snarled. he really doesn't deserve to be called that. she thought. but she quickly returned to her normal friendly gaze as soon as she met chaewon's eyes. "we, well i saw jaeyun in the syrup aisle, and the baby started kicking me. i think he did it because he couldn't kick him."

"he?"

"huh? oh yeah. i've got a feeling he's a boy, my girl wouldn't use me as her punching bag," she joked as she rubbed where the baby was adamant on kicking about. chaewon smiled at the sight, moving the girl's hand to replace it with her own. it almost brought her to tears as they got into the shortest line. after they'd finished paying and packing the groceries up, they were on their way back to y/n's home.

chaewon shared side glances at the girl while she sang along happily to the tunes that were blasting on the radio. she was starting to realize just how real this was and how far y/n had gotten over the course of this half year. "you're gonna be an amazing mother, you know that?" she says catching y/n by surprise as she stops mid lyric. the radio's volume didn't change, but the world went silent and everything seemed to come to a complete pause as y/n's lips trembled into a small smile, eyes watering as she did so.

in the past six months of her developing pregnancy, she was never told this. of course chaewon has always praised her for her strength, and her parents had offered support though they were disappointed, nobody has ever told her that she'd be a good mother. and, though it's something most mothers would look over, it meant the world to her because she felt like she would be anything but. she didn't realize how long she'd been crying until she no longer felt the car moving as chaewon pat her on the back in a comforting manner. "shh, it's okay. it's okay.. i promise you will be," she says, making the girl's tears pour faster.

"thank you so much," she cried out, allowing her body to milk the tears as she regulated her breathing. "i don't know why that made me cry so much, i think it's been something i've been needing to hear for a long time, you know?" she admitted, sniffling a bit. chaewon nodded, but didn't speak. she realized y/n probably wanted to say more. and she was right. "it's just.. without jake, i didn't think i could do it. i was so ashamed that he didn't want us, i thought that i would end up not wanting the baby, too. but i kept it because i knew that it deserved a chance. and i've been doubtful about my abilities as a mother, thinking i'm not good enough. but hearing that made all of this worth it, i have to be a good mother to it."

"i know, baby," chaewon said, kissing the top of her head. "now let's get you home, okay?" y/n nodded as chaewon restarted the car and finished their journey back to y/n's place. after unpacking the groceries, they spent the rest of that night cuddling while watching a movie on netflix.

walking into the store alone, y/n talked to chaewon, who was resting, through one bluetooth headphone in her ear. "do you really think it was a good idea to leave the gender a surprise?" she asks as she pushes the cart aimlessly around the maternity area in target. "mhm.. yeah. no yeah, you're right. well, anyways i'm just at target right now, about to buy some new jeans cause these mom ones are getting too tight... i know! it's ironic. well, i'm not gonna hold you up, you should finish working. okay, bye bye. love you, too." once the call ends, she goes to pick up some jeans. as soon as she finished picking out a pair or two, she rolled her way into the snacking aisle. a part of her was relieved that her stomach wasn't too big for her to be able to push the cart, she enjoyed being alone lately, even though she knew it wouldn't last very long as she only had 14 more weeks to go, and things would only get more difficult then.

picking up two boxes of granola bars, she hummed quietly as her head turned back and forth between the two items. she wondered which one to buy, they were both a personal favorite to her, but she wasn't looking to spend hundreds again, she still hadn't bought a bulk of the baby clothes yet since she didn't exactly know what to buy other than an excessive amount of zoo themed oneㅡ because there's nothing more gender neutral for babies than animal themed clothing. it had only been a mere seconds that she'd been so lost in her decision that she didn't even notice that particular set of eyes that were set on her, guilt building up and rushing through his veins as he stood there frozen in his spot.

jake was carrying a handheld basket. he figured he'd only needed to come to pick up some protein bars and energy drinks, he didn't need a cart. well, now he was regretting it as his grip faltered on the basket making it fall down onto the floor, items flying anywhere they pleased. luckily the boxes only slid a few feet in front of him. however, the protein shake rolled into forbidden territory, that forbidden territory being the area where she stood. his eyes widened and his head lowered as she turned her attention to the protein shake, then to him. he did his best to stall picking up the boxes as he did what he could to avoid looking at her. his hands shook as her shoes appeared in his vision.

"you dropped this, sir," she says. she had a smile on her face, the most beautiful one that he would have been crushed to see drop as soon as they made eye contact, but it did. "oh," was all she could say as he got up, gripping his basket harder as they made eye contact for the first time in a little over half a year. "oh," he responds, his eyes flickering to her stomach. a sudden punch of grief and regret hit him directly in his heart as it seemed to clench with pain. he averted his eyes and looked back into hers, but, again, he wished he hadn't. the tears were already brimming. "oh, oh. no, please don't cry. i'm sorry. please don't cry, please."

"i'm sorry. i'm just so happy to see you," her frown worsened as she squeezes her eyes shut, sobs escaping through her closed mouth while her body only shook as her arms stayed glued to her side. "shit, y/n. don't say that, please," he didn't know what to do. his eyes watered as he hesitated before pulling her in his embrace, the basket long forgotten as it fell back to the floor with a thud. he thought a hug would help, but it just hurt the both of them more. he was warm, exactly like she remembered. she wanted to be closer, to feel more of him but her stomach only allowed him to hold her so much. he felt her belly pressed against his, and it was foreign because it's nothing like the last time he held her and it was just a painful reminder of why he felt so shitty to begin with. "i'm sorry," he says, pulling back all too soon for the both of their liking. "we should leave, i don't want you crying in a target."

he grabs her hand, gently dragging her along as they walked out of the building. "i don't have a car, i ubered here," she says as she tries to keep up with his quickened steps. he nods in acknowledgement, not turning his head to her as he was too scared to look at her again. "i know, baby. we're gonna go in mine." now she was kinda glad he didn't look back at her, because her face had contorted into both a smile and a frown. she was still his baby after all this time, even if he didn't deserve it. once they reached the said vehicle, he opened the door for her, helping her get in as she couldn't climb in as swiftly as she used to due to the big changes in her body. it was kinda cute, the way she needed his help. it made him reminisce the moments that could've been. the times they could've had together if he didn't panic. brushing his thoughts aside, he got in on the driver's side as he began making his way to her place.

after they'd gotten in the house, he had the pleasure of seeing the changes made. in the kitchen, there was a green high chair with leaves scattered on it. when they walked into the living room, there was a fluffed carpet with the abc's accompanied with pictures of animals corresponding to the beginning letter. they walked into her bedroom whose walls were littered with pictures of every ultrasound, the growth of the child becoming more apparent as it continued. everything has changed. and jake wasn't here to experience any of it. he wasn't there to help her through any of it. and he felt so terrible for it.

"wow," was all he could say as he stared at the ultrasounds. she'd long been sitting on the bed, watching him. she had always wondered how she would feel when seeing him again. she wondered how he'd look physically, how he'd look at her, anything. she wondered if she would be angry. she promised herself she'd be angry, that she would lash out at him and spew all the hatred that had manifested these past seven months. but she wasn't angry. and she didn't lash out because.. she didn't want to. she was so happy to see him. and to see how he still cared for her, it healed the wounds that he had left behindㅡ most of them anyways. the room grew terribly quiet as the atmosphere began to suffocate them, engulfing them in the gloom that jake emitted into the air. he let out a shaky breath, his shoulders heaving up and down as his sobs only seemed to elevate in volume.

y/n's eyes widened as she used her step stool to get down from the bed and walk over to him, wrapping her arms around whatever her body could allow her to. he was crying. every single emotion he had pushed down was starting to tear its way through his eyes, lungs, and mouth as he buried his face inside his hands. tears, snots, and spit pooled in the palm of his hands but he didn't care. he wanted to allow himself to feel. but he felt so guilty. he didn't deserve to be comforted by her. cause god knows who was there to comfort her. "i'm sorry. fuck i'm so sorry y/n. i never wanted to leave you. i was just so scared. i was already scared to ruin our relationship. and then you told me and i freaked out. i changed my mind as soon as i walked out but i was so scared to come back because that would be so shitty, but i thought about you every single day. i want to be in the baby's life. i want to be in your life. i'll do anything to fix things. i can't keep living like this. you deserve to be taken care of, both of you. and i want to be the one to care for you."

his words touched every inch of her body, from the top of her head to way beyond her toes. she didn't even realize she was crying until it suddenly became harder to breathe in her nose, the airways being blocked by a sudden stuffiness. she let go of him, going to wipe her own tears off as he wiped his hands off. "y/n? are you okay?" he asked as she finally looked into his reddened eyes. "i waited so long for you to say those words to me. i'm so overwhelmed and happy, jaeyun. please don't leave me again," she begged, grabbing a fistful of his shirt. he didn't even get to respond as he felt her lips graze his. their tears slipped through their lips as the kiss continued. he cupped her face, bringing her impossibly closer as he tried not to apply too much pressure to her stomach. the two of them walked over to the bed, he helped her get up onto the bed where they would lay for the rest of the day.

"when does your lease end?" jake asks y/n as he pours himself a bowl of cereal. she shrugs, taking a bite out of her burrito. she tries her best to think about the date she'd need to renew it. "some time at the end of this month, why?"

"i want you to move in with me," he says, making her choke on her food. she coughs up the remaining pieces out of her throat as she drinks water to calm down the new burning sensation. "well, my lease ends in two weeks. i've been saving up money so we can have enough for a down payment on a better apartment. what do you think about that?" he asks, sitting across from her. she was frozen, chewing her new bite from the burrito more than it needed to be. this was all so sudden. sure, she had wanted this for a long time, but she didn't think it would happen even in her wildest dreams. it just all felt so unreal. "am i overwhelming you?" he sighed.

"no," she said after swallowing the food. "i'm just- i don't know. i just.. think there's levels to this and this is skipping a lot of them," she says. he purses his lips and thinks about it for a second before nodding in agreement. "you're right. but i think it should be fine because it's what i would've done anyways. this is making up for lost time. i have to step up as a father, and this is what fathers are supposed to do," he says. "look," pulling out his phone, he opens safari and slides his phone over to her. she looks at the screen. it was an apartment with a lovely view of the city. "only a 15 minute drive from the university and it's close to a lot of the businesses in the area. i could get it now, or we can go and do a tour and-”

"you'd really want to move in with me?" she asked, looking up from the phone. he tilted his head to the side at her. insecurities were apparent, making him realize she was still wary of the whole situation. understandably, he smiles at her with his eyes and nods his head. "of course, baby. we're making a family together. i think living together makes more sense," her posture relaxes as she smiles slightly. a family, huh? she looks through the pictures more: 3 beds, 2 baths. would he want to make more with her? there's so many 2 bedroom apartments in the same area, why not choose those? she wanted to ask him, but everything was happening too soon. and she didn't even tell chaewon that she allowed the boy back into her life yet. "i think it's fine," she says, sliding the phone back over to him. "this is good. i have no idea how i could possibly fit all of everything that i wanted to give the baby into this small apartment anyways."

"okay, then. you can say hello to our new home," he exclaims as he puts his phone in his pocket. "i gotta get to work soon, so i'll be off before your last class ends. i'll pick you up then?" he finishes off the rest of his cereal, sliding the bowl, with its sugary milk, over to her.

"oh," y/n says as she looks down at the gesture, taking the spoon out as she silently sips on the liquid before talking again as if she were embarrassed to continue her sentence. "i actually am doing the online learning course, i figured it'd give me more time to tend to the baby." even with the small laugh she let out, it was evident that she wasn't happy like, the gesture was meant to be. jake nods his head as he gets up.

"then i'll come back with some dinner, let me know what you're craving before 8:30," he says, checking his pockets for his keys. while walking out of the kitchen, he takes one last glance at her before letting out a breath and leaving. y/n stays there for a while as she lets the silence engulf her. there were always so many things to think about when she was alone these days, but today the one thing on her mind was chaewon and what exactly she was going to tell chaewon.

a big part of her wasn't ready to talk about jake yet as she wasn't completely sure if she was dreaming or not, but the other part knew better than to doubt anything that happened to her anymore. and it knew she would have to tell chaewon one way or another. even if she didn't owe it to her, she felt like she deserved to know because she was there for her every step of the way. having jake would take this burden off of her shoulders, but y/n was immensely afraid that chaewon would be disappointed in her. how weak was she as a mother to take back the same man who turned his back on their child? very weak. but she wanted nothing more than for her child to be brought up in a warm and loving family with both of its parents because she believed that jake and she would be good ones, regardless of his initial response when he learned of the pregnancy.

"okay," y/n says as she finally gets up. "clean up first, tell chaewon after," she grabs the plates bowl, and utensils from the table as she walked over to the sink. one by one, she rinses the dishes off, one time, two times, three times before she opens the dishwasher to put them inside. she wanted to manually wash, but it would be putting too much pressure on the front of her stomach from having to reach over the sink for that long, so she reluctantly used the machine. after she finished that, she got the broom and began sweeping the floor. being too lazy to mop, she resorted to sweeping the living up as she did what she could to slow time down. but doing chores wasn't easy with her stamina, so after around 20 minutes of stalling, she decided to plop down on the couch and text her friend.

upon receiving y/n's message chaewon raises an eyebrow, but types out a reply nonetheless. she figured it was something important or something that was bothering because usually y/n would call. as she made her way to the car, she let her unspoken anxiousness run rampant through her mind about what could possibly be bothering her friend. while y/n stared at chaewon's notification, all that could be heard in the silent living room was the tapping of y/n's foot. she clicked her phone off, taking a deep breath as she waited for a few minutes.

telling chaewon about the situation proved to be easier than y/n's doubts had originally convinced her it would be. of course, chaewon's expressions showed hesitance for the whole ordeal, but at the end of the day she knew it wasn't her choice to make. and even though she wanted to beg her not to let him come back so easily, she offered her hand in support. and jake proved to be thankful; the day they all decided to meet up at y/n and jake's new shared apartment for some final touches, he conveyed his gratitude to chaewon. he thanked her for everything in the book that he could think of, especially for taking care of her in place of him and for staying by her side through it all.

"you know," jake said to chaewon as they looked at y/n's sleeping figure on the bed. she'd gotten tired after her day of fun with them. she'd just knocked out mid laughter, resulting in her innocent slumber while the other two conversed. "it's times like this where i wish i stayed. most guys, when they find out their girl is pregnant, just run off and marry her before the bump even starts showing, but me? i ran off like a deadbeat and hid in my bedroom scared. i should've been a man and stepped up to be a father sooner. you know, i saw her again, like- pregnant at a target. just shopping alone. i know how people think out here, i saw how people were looking at her before i came to her side. i can't imagine how much she had to endure before then. i feel so guilty. like i don't deserve to be here."

chaewon listened intently to his words, seeing the way he teared up over it. she hesitantly reached out to hold her hand on top of his, that action alone feeling like betrayal as he stiffened upon her touch, but she only wanted to comfort him. she swallowed before she spoke. "it's too late to change the past, you're here now."

"yeah. i suppose you're right," he removes his hand from hers as he nods and she didn't know why it upset her as much as it did. clearing her throat, she got up from the bed. "i should go now, right? it's late and i have class tomorrow," she smiles softly patting her pants to smoothen them. jake nods and gets up as well as he says "i'll walk you to the door."

"oh! that's not necessary," chaewon shakes her head, but he insists as he follows her to the door.

"i have to lock you out, so either way i have to come out here," he says, making her mentally face palm at herself. she'd read too much into the situation of course. it was silent as she walked out the door, turning around with her hands clasped together. jake raises an eyebrow silently. "hm?"

"her due date is coming soon. i'm going to step down from being her main support from now on. i want to prioritize my life now, so please fulfill that empty spot for me," she says, walking away before he could muster up a reply.

y/n's screams of pain filled the room as the doctors did everything in their power to talk her through the birth. her grip on jake's hand was painful, but he endured it because she was probably feeling worse than he was.

"that's it, ms.l/n, we can see the baby's head poking through now, just keep pushing, keep breathing," doctor kim says, but nothing registers to y/n as she keeps her eyes squeezed shut, tears flowing down her face as she sobs out.

"chaewon!! chaewon-ah, it hurts s-so bad," she brings her free hand to cover her eyes, wiping what she could. jake stays silent, only offering her a chaste kiss on top of her head, then on one of her tear stained cheeks. he couldn't be upset in a moment like this. right now, all he wanted to do was comfort her until this passed through.

"almost there and .... it's a boy!" hearing her son's cries fill the air was the first thing to bring her back to life. her soul felt like it was floating outside of her body until that point, but hearing the first sounds he's been able to make since leaving her womb, pulled her all the way back in. and feeling him in her arms for the first time made all of the pain and hardships she faced worth it. "jaemin," she whispered to the baby boy, whose cries seemed to subside once he felt his mother's touch. "you'll take the 'jae' from your father," jake's ears perked up as soon as he heard it. "look jaeyun," she turned to him with a smile. he looked down to see their baby, sleepily cooing while they both looked at him with nothing but adoration in their eyes.

"he's beautiful," was all jake could think to say. and it was true, jaemin was beautiful. even though he was covered in gunk and y/n's blood, he was beautiful. doctor kim watched silently for a few minutes before she felt it was alright to take jaemin away to wash him up.

"don't worry, i will bring him back to you after you all get your deserved rest, it was a long 15 hours, but you did it!"

"mhm, i sure did do it," y/n said, her eyes fluttering while she tried her best to stay awake during her tired state. after the doctor left with jaemin, jake wasn't sure of what to do. he scratched the back of his neck, sitting down in a chair while y/n closed her eyes. the room was a comfortable silence at that point, y/n's small breaths bringing the calm to a maximum. "jake?" she whispered, not thinking to speak louder through her drowsiness as jake looked up from his phone over to her. "yeah?"

"can you please sleep with me?"

his heart raced as he looked at her.

"yeah."

"that's a good boy, that's a good boy," jake tickled jaemin's stomach as the 4 month old baby boy cooed, using his small hands in an attempt to grab at his father's.

"he's not a dog jake," chaewon giggled as she watched the two boys. she sat on the couch next to y/n who was lying down, her back facing the group.

"hey, babies can be good boys too," jake argued in his baby voice, his attention still being on the baby he was rocking slightly in his arms

"that's fair," chaewon agreed, rubbing her stomach upon its sudden growling. "you guys hungry?" she asked, opening up her phone to ubereats.

"eh, i could eat," by now jake had gotten bored of standing up, instead he sat down with jaemin whose head was now being held up by the crease in jake's elbow while he sat at a respectable distance from chaewon.

"me too," chaewon says as she scrolls through the tabs on the app, being pulled in by all the food options that it offered. she hummed and slightly turned her head over to y/n who only remained silent, eyes focused on the closed curtains of their living room window. "how about you, y/n?"

letting her eyes focus on multiple spots of the room in front of her, it almost felt like she was searching her surroundings for an answer. but there was none. "i'm not hungry," she finally chose to respond before it was too obvious that she was still avoiding speaking.

"aw c'mon since when are you not hungry? you should be taking advantage of being able to eat whatever you want now that jaemin's outside of your body!" chaewon says, lightly nudging her friend's body, though the girl still didn't respond.

"well..." jake's voice suddenly piped into the conversation. "she's breastfeeding, so she still has to be cautious of the nutrients and junk she gets. can't have our baby being unhealthy, now can we?"

now it was jake's turn to be nudged. "aw c'mon, he'll be fine with a little tacos in his baby system! i'll order some now, matter of fact," chaewon said as she typed in 'tacos' in the app's search bar.

"alright, but none of that taco bell, we need the organics."

"well you're not gonna find that in korea.."

"fair enough," jake says as he gets up from his seat on the couch. "let's just go get some. y/n needs some alone time with jaemin anyways, we've basically stolen him away from her. isn't that right, baby?" he says, booping the boy's nose. he walks over to y/n, gently moving her shoulder in a way that would lay her on her back. she closed her eyes, not wanting to look at him as he placed jaemin on her, a heavy feeling forming in her stomach. he pouts, sympathizing with her tiredness as he places a kiss on both her and jaemin's head. "we'll be back," he says as he and chaewon quietly head out.

she only opens her eyes after she hears the door shut and lock. looking down, she sees jaemin fighting sleep as he is so at peace with her warmth, and it's only then that she's brought back to reality. the guilty feeling she would always get once she would hold him would come back again and she begins to ask herself why she was feeling the way she was.

carefully, she maneuvers herself so that she can hold him properly in her arms with a sigh. "god damn it, jaemin. why am i like this? i don't hate you, i know i don't. but why does it feel like this sometimes?" his lack of understanding towards her words makes her feel a little better, he dribbles and gives her a gummy as she kisses the top of his head. "i'm sorry, baby. i don't like feeling like i can only love you when it's just the two of us alone. this isn't how a mother should feel. you deserve better than me." closing her eyes, she slightly sways her body to become a human rocking chair to soothe him more than her warmth could do on its own.

"can you believe it's only been four months since he's been born?" although jaemin was nearing half a year of being with them now, jake already loved the boy enough to be able to talk about him nonstop for hours on end. he even went back to work early just to be able to brag about how healthy and strong his son would turn out to be. there'd even be nights where he and y/n would sleep with jaemin, and she'd wake up to see him have his back facing her, while jaemin would be carefully cuddled up to him on the other side. it was no secret that he loved his baby so much at times it'd be suffocating, for y/n at least. even when their parents came over to visit, they'd joke and say he must have been the one to give birth to jaemin instead of y/n.

even now, as the couple lay in bed, it felt awkward for jake not to have jaemin with them. it had been a mutual decision of theirs to have him sleep in his crib as sleeping in between two very active sleepers could potentially be dangerous. even now as they both faced each other, faces being dimly lit by their tv, his mind seemed to stay focused on the baby who was asleep in the next room as the smile on his face never faltered. y/n looked into his eyes, smiling back. she felt at ease being able to be so close with him without having to worry about keeping distance between their bodies for the sake of jaemin. it was refreshing. but she thought it'd be better if he would shift his focus to her, even if it was just for tonight. after these four long months of neglect, it's the least he could do for her.

yet, somehow his conversation regarding the boy never seemed to end. so, taking matters into her own hands, he put a finger to his lips, giggling as he finally grew silent. "you have work in the morning. sleep," she says, and he nods, the smile on his face staying the same.

"i must be keeping you awake huh?"

y/n hummed in response, using her thumbs to gently caress his face as he melted into her touch. "okay, then let's sleep," he said, gently removing himself from her hold so that he was laying on his back as sleep seemed to come over him quickly. she guessed it was easier to tire when it came to her. she turned her back to face him as she reminisced the days he would stay up and talk to her. she so naively thought that moving in together would bring them closer; it wouldn't be surprising if she woke up to an empty spot in the bed when she'd wake up later.

"i'm happy you're here, but you shouldn't have switched to online classes just to be able to see me everyday," y/n said as she changed jaemin's diaper, the boy kicking his chubby feet at her in protest to the cold baby wipe she swiped on his bum as she attempted to rid him of his potty mess.

"oh please," chaewon says as she waves a ringing teddy bear in front of the baby's face to offer a distraction for y/n to finish more smoothly. "going in person was only fun because you were there, plus i love that i have more time to see my best friend and my beautiful nephew!"

"he is beautiful, isn't he?" she said as she put the boy in his diaper, his hiss of fits finally coming to an end as she rocked him back and forth in her arms. "he looks so much like his daddy, too."

"well, i see the both of you in him," chaewon says, laying on her shoulder with a content sigh. "it's so crazy how much he's matured since he came back. i honestly held a grudge against him, but now i think you caught the stars with him. he's an amazing father," chaewon finishes, raising an eyebrow when she hears a small sigh coming from her friend. "what's wrong?"

y/n's complaint is simple. when chaewon asks her, she admits, "he's a good father, and he takes such good care of jaemin, of course, but i just wish he'd take care of me too, you know? he used to have real life feelings for me, now it just feels like i'm nothing more than a mother to him, now that he's a father." she prayed to god that she didn't sound jealous of her own baby. how pathetic that would be of her.

"baby... i'm sure this is just a first time parent thing. he's excited about the baby you guys made. i would be too, i mean, look at him! he's adorable," her eyes scan the baby's features, smiling softly at the sight before her. "don't forget what you feel for him too, though, okay? you love jaemin that much too, right?" it was something y/n never thought about. deep down she knew she had to love jaemin. she knew somewhere inside her heart that she adored him, and there were even times where she wanted to spend every waking moment with him, but she wasn't happy. or at least not in the way she thought she would be.

when she was first pregnant with jaemin, all she could ever think about was how badly she wanted to hold him. how badly she wanted to meet him and love him the way she knew best, but nothing she ever did with him felt like the magic she wanted. if anything, she was pretty miserable all the time. all the responsibility was pushed onto her, nobody else dealt with his crying, nobody else fed him, changed his diaper, anything. everyone got the luxuries of being around him while she did all the work.

she hated it, but that's what she was supposed to do, isn't it? she was supposed to care for her child while jake went to work to make sure they all got fed & taken care of. she couldn't possibly expect chaewon to pitch in, it wasn't her child. but she felt lonely, and even though it hurt her physically, mentally, emotionally, she couldn't just stop taking care of the boy. he was her responsibility. no matter what she did.

and she tried so hard to not direct those malice feelings towards him, but there's a big part in her brain that blames him. chaewon notices the silence and it tells her everything she knows. "a lot of things can happen to your emotions postpartum, y/n. there is help that you can get to get you through this. don't be mad at yourself for feeling sad, it's normal."

"yeah... i'm sorry. i just don't know how to cope with this stuff." chaewon shakes her head fondly and pulls the girl into a side hug, patting her back gently until she lets go again.

"don't be. i'll look into getting you help, but for now i'll look for temporary remedies." she smiles and kisses her cheek affectionately, pulling away once more before walking out of the room. "get some rest. we can talk more later, okay?"

y/n nods silently and watches her walk out of the room, deciding to put the baby to sleep in his room before she goes into her own to do the same.

chaewon's temporary remedy was one of the best gifts y/n could have ever wished for. it took some days, but she convinced jake to take y/n out on a proper date. after 4 months of solely focusing on raising the baby, the two of them are finally getting some alone time together. and y/n could not be any happier. he scheduled a shorter work day so they could go out sooner, and she spent the whole day getting ready. she had lost half of the baby weight, and due to the practices she followed to recover from the birth, her body looked almost the same as it had pre-pregnancy. she did her makeup as best as she could, threw on a matching velvet two-piece, and she even deep cleaned the house so it would look and smell good when he would arrive home.

when he came home, he barely had time to hug her and admire the way she looked as her hands were both already occupied. one hand held jaemin's sleepover bag, while the other held the sleepy baby in his car seat. raising his eyebrow, she only offered him a smile. "i'm ready whenever you are," she said, but he only laughed.

"i have to get ready too," he said, walking into the direction of the bedroom to do just that. the home was silent apart from the shower sounds as she sat on the couch. jaemin was in his cradle playing with the mobile that hung above his head. she didn't know exactly how much more patient she could be. now that she knew what the night had in store for her, she couldn't stop thinking about it; that made the wait so much more difficult to endure.

it felt like hours before jake came out of their room. his jet black hair was parted in the middle, partially slicked back on one side while his outfit consisted of a silk maroon button up with silk black pants and black loafers. her eyes couldn't help but widen as she looked at him. yep. they needed to leave fast. in the blink of an eye, she was carrying both jaemin and his bag, following closely behind jake as they walked to the car.

the drive was quiet as jaemin had fallen asleep in the back. jake's focus was on the road, while y/n's eyes were on him. after they dropped jaemin off at chaewon's place the plan was to go out to eat, but as they approached the highway that would lead to where the closest restaurants were, y/n started feeling a heavy feeling in her stomach.

"um, jake?" she says, lightly putting her hand on his shoulder. he turns his head slightly to glance at her before turning his attention back to the road. "how hungry are you? like hungry hungry, or just 'eh, i guess i could eat' kinda hungry?" she asks, making him cock and eyebrow.

"the second i guess, why? are you not hungry?" he asks, finally being able to turn to her when they hit a red light. she nods without saying anything. "not gonna lie, i went through hell getting that reservation. eating just a little won't hurt, right?"

"i'm sorry but my stomach hurts really bad..."

"y/n," jake says, pulling over to the side of the road so he could look at her while they spoke. "do you just not want to eat?" she doesn't speak back this time. he sighs, rubbing his temples as his other hand grips on the wheel. "fine. we don't have to go, i'm not doing this with you tonight," he says, his tone void of anything, but she could tell he was annoyed. he turns the car back on and pulls back onto the road, looking for the nearest place to turn around. this time, the quietness of the ride was uncomfortable. she didn't want to be in it, but she was afraid to speak; she wouldn't know what to say anyways.

instead of taking the route that would lead them home, he takes a turn that would lead to where they had come from: chaewon's house to which y/n begs him not to. "why are we going to chaewon's house?" she asks.

"we're picking jaem up?" he says like it's the most obvious answer.

"please no!" her voice was desperate, more desperate than he needed to hear. "it's just- i don't know when we'll ever get time like this again. i don't want to lose out. please."

"okay."

he takes a left, starting the journey to go their way home. his speed is faster than normal. she notices and doesn't like it, but she does her best to ignore it since she was getting what she wanted in the end. when they walked into their shared home, she was glad she cleaned up nicely because the atmosphere felt calmer than it would have been if the house was still a baby mess.

y/n thought she'd feel better, but her mood only worsens when she realizes jake still is upset. he goes over to the couch, flopping backwards onto it as he rested his head on the head of it. he unbuttons the first few buttons of his shirt with a sigh. she walks over to him with extreme caution, sitting next to him.

"are you alright?"

he just shrugs, mumbling under his breath, "this was pointless, if we were just gonna come back home." she purses her lips, biting back a frown.

"not completely pointless! it's nice to get a break from being a parent once in a while."

"for who?" he responds, "i have no problem being a parent, do you?" he turns to her, a look in his eyes daring her to say something. and it should make her intimidated, but for some reason it only blows her off the edge she was already doing her best to stay balanced on.

"would i be such a villain to say i do?!" she finally screams at him, the sudden change in volume catching him by surprise. "jesus christ, jake. i just don't get what's so special about him." her words spew a hatred she didn't know she could have at her own child and it angers jake more than any angry words could possibly explain.

"him? HIM?!? you mean our child?!?!"

y/n dodges the question as tears start to flow down her face. he looks at her in disbelief as he gets up from where he's sitting to walk away to create some space between them, but she only follows behind him, her built up frustrations finally clawing their way out her throat as she spoke. "all you care about is him; you're becoming nothing more than a dad, now and it's so. fucking. miserable!"

"well what the fuck do you want me to do, y/n?" he slams his fist against the wall, making her flinch. a split second of humanity was able to hit him again as he pinched his temples, a deep sigh being exhaled. "i'm not going back to being a deadbeat. i'm not going back to feeling burdened by my own decision. he's my son. our son."

"yes, jake. believe me. i know he's yours," she pauses, the lump forming an unbearable pain in her throat as she opens her mouth to speak again. "but am i?" she wanted to be strong. in all the scenarios where she had imagined she would be able to express her feelings, she was sure she'd be strong. it wasn't a phrase she had intentionally practiced for the hundreds of what-ifs her brain conjured, but it was the only sentence that could convey the hurt she had been feeling in her heart.

she cleared her throat, deciding not to let the silence last a second more. "aren't i supposed to be loved, too? don't i matter, too?" her attempt to keep her composure crumbled as she broke out into sobs. she knew it was supposed to hurt, but did it have to hurt this bad? she'd endured this feeling of unbelonging for such a long time, the least her heart could do was make it hurt less.

"y/n-" she hears him interrupt himself with a sigh as he walks towards her, pulling her into an embrace and resting his head on hers. he didn't know how to comfort her. there wasn't an easy way to put into words everything he felt for her, especially since it all came with emotions he didn't fully understand. "you matter so much to me. so fucking much, y/n. more than i can ever explain." he wrapped his arms around her tighter and she returned his affection, burying her head in his shoulder.

"please promise me that you mean it. please promise you won't forget about me " her voice wavered as she spoke, and he noticed how badly she was shaking. he wanted so badly to tell her how he felt, but he didn't know where he stood. they were never together. even if they both loved each other, it was never expressed because their situation didn't allow them to in the past. now things had changed, and he didn't know how they were gonna handle it.

"i promise." he whispered, hoping it would be enough.

she pulled away, wiping the tears from her face as she looked up at him. he gently smiled down at her, placing his hand on the side of her cheek, brushing her hair back from her face. she leans forward, wrapping her arms around him as she looked him in the eye. he smiled down at her, heart beating faster as he swallowed all his fears to express himself. "i love you, y/n, i'm sorry for pulling away instead of accepting it." the words caught her off guard, this was the first time he'd ever said such a thing to her. and it was better than she could've ever imagined.

tears spilled from her eyes as her lip quivered, she nodded understanding before pulling him into a kiss. she didn't know how long it'd been since they last kissed and it lasted only a second before she pulled away. "i love you too jake."

in an instant, his lips were back on hers, only pulling away long enough for him to look her in the eyes with a smirk as he asked "oh, do you?" their kiss grew sloppy as he lightly wrapped his hand around her neck, guiding her to the couch as he maneuvers himself so that he's sitting first. he pulls her on his lap, hands making their way to her waist as she grinded her hips against his growing erection, letting her tongue slip through his lips as he began sucking on it. he moved his hands up, fumbling with the zipper on her top before zipping it down fully. once he'd done that, she slipped out of it, her breasts falling down with a bounce before he latched his lips onto one of them, sucking slightly before releasing it with a loud pop.

there was no need to rush this time, they had the house all to themselves. their kiss lasted what felt like hours, only the sound of lips smacking and clothes rubbing against each other could be heard. jake pulls back for air, moving to unbutton his shirt. she only watches him intently wondering how he could make a simple action so, so sensual. he notices her stares and he likes it. his dick twitches and he realizes that, though the kissing and grinding is amazing, he wanted more. so much more.

"you gonna put those pretty lips to use or are we just gonna play around all night?" he asks making her eyes widen in excitement as she moves off of his lap to lay on the couch, unbuttoning and unzipping his pants before pulling them down to his mid thigh as she immediately latched her lips around the tip of his cock.

he sucks in a breath as she swirls her tongue around it, scooting down in his spot as he relaxed under her touch. "yeah, just like that," he praises as he pushes her head down so she can take in all of his length, fucking deeply into her mouth, not allowing her to come up even when she tapped on his thigh, gagging around him. "mmm, that's right." he finally let her come up to breathe, moving his hand to notify her that he wanted her to take control. she used the spit around his cock to her advantage as she let her mouth sink down until she felt his tip hit the back of her throat, doing her best to keep bobbing her head that way.

he hums and pats her butt, lifting her hip slightly to tell her to lift it more into the air. he does his best to pull her skirt off, letting her wiggle her way out of it, standing on her knees as he moves her panties to the side as he dipped his fingers into her wetness, adding two fingers. he sped up his thrusts, adding another finger as she kept going, teasingly stopping every time she would moan to the point of being inaudible. her legs started to shake as she resorted to only sucking the tip as she couldn't suck him any better with the way she couldn't stop moaning.

"get up and ride me," he tells her. she quickly obeys and inserts him inside of her, hopping up and down as she does her best to ride him, though her speed is slow. he smacks her ass, squeezing it harshly before spreading her cheeks apart. "good girl.. do you like making daddy feel good?" he asks as he grabs her chin and pulls her in for a kiss, this time letting it turn french. she moans into it, the lengths of his cock hitting her g-spot without fail every time she'd drop down. it made her speed and movement falter forcing him to grab her by her ass, lifting her body higher as he begins fucking into her, leaving her an absolute mess as she entangles her fingers into his hair breaking the kiss to moan in her ear.

"you feel so fucking good around me, but now's not the time to be a pillow princess," he again still praises as she tries to meet his thrusts. she has to take her hands out of his hair as she grips her nails into his shoulder, unable to fully process the pleasure her body was taking in. with the way her pussy clenched around him partnered with the pain from her fingernails digging into his skin, he couldn't help but be vocal about it. "you just wanna get pregnant again huh? you want me to fuck my seed into you again? you want me to reclaim this pussy? huh? you like that?"

squeezing her eyes shut, y/n just couldn't hold back anymore as she falls apart on top of him her first orgasm taking over all her senses, legs trembling from the feeling as she starts babbling between moans. he laughs as she rests her head on his shoulder, words still not forming correctly. "spit it out," he says as he slows his thrusts down ever so slightly so she could speak. she didn't know what came over her as she moaned out again, another orgasm hitting her as she came undone once again. she looks at him with a fucked out expression and says "faster."

his dick twitches as he complies, pounding deeper into her, feeling cocky, and only speeding up as he speaks praises into her ear. "you're so good to me, fuck y/n. you're gonna have to deal with me forever.. i'm not letting anyone even dream of having a chance with you. you're mine, all mine you understand?" she nods. "keep letting me fuck you like this and you're gonna be my wife sooner."

hearing this makes her moan louder as she smashes her lips on his, he keeps his speed, sometimes thrusting all the way in, staying there for a second too long for her liking, just to drive her crazy as she comes undone another time, finally making him start reaching his own pleasure limit. he doesn't change his speed or actions as he finally buries himself deep inside of her as he filled her with his hot seed. "you're mine," he says as she falls limp on top of him in exhaustion. she smiles and for the first time in months, she felt all the weight lifted off of her shoulders.

"all yours."

end.

#enhypen imagines #enhypen scenarios #enhypen x female reader #enhypen x reader #enhypen x you #enhypen smut #kpop smut #jake x reader #jake x fem reader #enhypen jake #enhypen jake smut #jake smut #jake scenarios #jake angst #jake imagines #enhypen angst

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ladylovesloki · 2 years

Note

Hello! Could you write about a female reader who is plus sized that shamed themselves Infront of Loki? Maybe smut ?

My first request!! So exciting!

Thank you so much for the ask! I hope you like it!

Title: The Second Princess

Pairings: Loki X Plus Sized Reader

Warnings: Language, Smut, possible trigger for eating disorder (nothing graphic just slight mention of starving one self.)

You were the second princess of Alfheim.

Your sister the crowned princess was beautiful, funny and had the thin figure of all of the Alfheim ladies.

You on the other hand…

You knew you had a pretty face, you and your sister were spitting images of your beautiful mother. But you constantly heard you would be just as beautiful as your sister if you lost your additional weight. Or you would be so pretty if you were thinner.

All it did was make you eat more.

And as the second princess your responsibilities were minimal. You didn’t have to worry about being a Queen one day. You knew that eventually your father would set up some political marriage that brings some kind of benefit to Alfheim and then your job would be birthing babies..probably gaining more weight..

You used to do some exercises with some of the court ladies, go for longer walks around the palace or on the palace lands outside. But every time you heard an off handed comment about your weight it always set you back.

Your father never cared, he never mentioned it. But your mother?..oooff..Mother would constantly badger you about losing weight.

She would say to you, “your father will never be able to find you someone to marry, unless you want to be betrothed to the king of Muspelheim!”. Or, “we need to tell the cooks to make less food for you if we want you to be fitter by next feast.”

After hearing it all these years, you start to believe it.

So you stop your exercises and you ignore your mothers instructions. In fact you would eat more just to spite her.

Who wants to be married to some stuffy prince anyway? All the ones you had met have been so boring and they think they know everything!! Always talk about duty and battle..blah blah blah!

You were over it. You didn’t want to be someone’s broodmare. The idea of just being used to continue someone’s lineage makes you ill. You wanted to be loved. You wanted to have your children out of love. But you don’t believe that that is your destiny…

So here you are again, getting fitted for a new gown for a feast on another realm. You were actually excited this time because you were all going to Asgard, the realm eternal. You personally had never been there, you think your mother didn’t want to be embarrassed by you.

“Suck it in girl!” You hear your mother yell while she’s watching the seamstress get the measurements for your new gown.

“I am mother. If I suck it in anymore I’m going to pass out..”

“Hush, you’re just being dramatic.”

You look down at the seamstress and she gives you a soft smile. Even though your mother was often cruel to you, the people around the palace were kind to you. They frequently saw your mother speak to you harshly so they would always find ways to bring up your spirits.

“We are going to Asgard girl! If we have any hope of finding you a husband it will be there! Most of the princes from all of the realms are invited to go to Thor’s name day feast!”

“I know mother..”

“Do you? It doesn’t look like you do.”

You look down, “I’m trying mother.”

“Hmm. We shall see.”

She leaves the room after she’s satisfied with the fitting, afterwards you run outside to the stables and take out your horse. You ride to your favorite spot and place out a blanket, listening to the creek a few feet away from you. You lean your head back against the tree you were sitting in front of and close your eyes enjoying the peace. And then you hear the sound of a horse approaching. Your sister dismounts.

“Hello sister. I’m sorry I didn’t make it to your fitting, my lesson went on a bit longer.”

“It’s alright…mother was a wonderful companion through it all…”

“Ooff…the bad?”

“You know how she is..”

“Yes. But don’t let her get to you. You are beautiful y/n, don’t let mother make you feel any different.”

“Thank you sister. Are you ready for our father to throw you at Prince Thor?” You ask her.

“Ugh. He’s so handsome but so oafish at the same time. The last I saw him he was 6 ales deep and trying to start a bout with any man who was drunk enough to accept.”

“You’ll have beautiful children at least..”

Your sister looks at you for a moment, “you will too y/n. I promise you.” She gives you a smile.

You smile back at her, “thank you sister”.

“We should get going, we depart in the morning to Asgard.”

You both stand, mount your horses and make your way back to the palace.

That night at the evening meal, mother made sure to tell the servants to serve you less food than usual. She wanted to be sure you were as thin as possible..

You weren’t effected physically but it certainly was embarrassing.

The following morning you were woken up early by your maids to get ready to depart. They do your hair and make up and get you in one of your beautiful day dresses and make your way to meet your family.

You see your family and your mother walks over placing your hand on your face, “you have such a beautiful face daughter.”

You blink at her, “thank you mother.”

Your father walks over to you and brushes his hand on your face, “you are beautiful daughter.”

You give him a small, “thank you father.”

Your sister takes your hand and you look over at her, “everyone ready to go?”

“Yes, let us go”

You and your family board the ship with your guards that you will be taking with you to Asgard. It will take you a few days to get there but you were going to be spending most of the time with your sister or your maids getting ready. Asgard was different from Alfheim so you needed to be sure you were knowledgeable of all of their traditions and customs, you didn’t want to embarrass yourself or your family.

You all finally get to Asgard where you are greeted by the royal family, the Allfather, Allmother and both princes were there with their warriors.

“King Balin, how wonderful it is to see you and your family again.” The Allfather greets your family.

“Allfather, thank you so much for the invitation to your beautiful home” your father then looks over to Thor, “and happy name day to you my prince.”

Thor smiles, “thank you King Balin, Queen Aredhel, Princess Elbereth, Princess y/n, I welcome you to our home.”

Your sister smiles at Thor, “thank you my prince, happy name day to you, we are very much looking forward to your name day feast.”

“Yes my brother looks forward to them as well.” The younger prince speaks up.

You snort a little laugh and your mother looks over at you sharply.

Queen Frigga addresses the group, “thank you for all traveling, please let us get you settled in your chambers so you all can rest before the feast.”

Your mother looks to the Queen, “thank you Allmother, I look forward to having some time to speak.”

You know what the conversation is going to be about so you glance over at your sister who is looking at the ground.

You all make your way inside the palace, it was beautiful and gold but it was mostly that. Gold and concrete, there weren’t too many trees or greenery in the city. Alfheim even in the marketplaces flourished with flowers and greens from trees and vines that have intwined themselves in the ancient structures. The forests of Alfheim are not far from the palace so you felt constantly surrounded by nature. It was not so here in Asgard.

You get to your chambers and your maids get everything situated for you, you bathed and got dressed in your beautiful but uncomfortable gown for the evening. A knock at the door signified it was time to go so you go with your guards to your sister’s chambers where your parents are already waiting.

“Finally child.” Your mother says exasperated.

“Forgive me mother, this dress is not the easiest to get into.”

“And who’s fault is that?”

“Enough Aredhel, y/n you look wonderful.”

“Thank you father, Elbereth you look beautiful.” You say kindly to your sister.

“Thank you sister as do you. Are your ready for the festivities?”

“Very.”

“Then let us be off” your father says joyously.

You all make your way to the feast hall and Asgards royal family have not arrived yet, you all take your seats at your designated table, not far from the table Odin and Frigga will be sitting with their sons.

Not long after that, the guards announce the arrival of the Allfather and Allmother first and then Prince Loki.

He was so handsome dressed in his finery, he had the same mirthful look on his face he did before. Like he wanted to be anywhere else in all the realms.

And then it was time to announce Prince Thor’s arrival which was just a ridiculous as he was.

The guard shouts from the top of his lungs,

“And now! Prince Thor! First born son of Odin and Frigga, Crowned Prince of Asgard, God of Thunder! Your future King! All of you welcome him on his name day!

The hall erupts in cheers, you wince from the volume. You look over at the table where Prince Loki now sits and you can see him roll his eyes. It seems like he can sense you staring at him so he looks directly at you and gives you a sinful smile. You blink back in nervousness and direct you attention back to Prince Thor making a show of his entrance. He’s walking towards the table tossing Mjolnir in his hand with a huge smile on his face.

He holds out his other arm to silence the crowd, “Asgard! Thank you for joining me in the celebrations for my name day. I also send my thanks to all of the representatives that have visited us from afar to also share this day with me and my family. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I know some of your journeys were long. Please enjoy all of the finery from our home. Let the feast begin!”

With his final word the doors in the hall opened and out came the servants with mounds of food and casks of wine and mead. So many different types of food and you were terrified to touch a thing. It was like every time you went to add something to your plate you could feel your mother’s eyes on you.

Thor eventually came to our table and asked my sister to dance, she happily accepted and my parents looked on with excitement at the prospect of the crowned prince marrying their daughter.

You were so preoccupied you didn’t notice someone have a seat in your sister’s now unoccupied chair.

“Hello.”

You turn and you are shocked to see Prince Loki.

“Oh. Hello My Prince. Are you enjoying the feast?”

“No more than others, and you Princess y/n? Are you enjoying the feast for my brother’s name day?

You smile, “yes, very much so thank you.”

“Are you enjoying the food and drink? It looks as though you haven’t touched a thing.”

You look down at your plate and realize the Prince is right, you really haven’t touched too much of your food. You were too afraid of the ridicule your mother would bring you after the feast.

“I’m not too hungry at present your highness, but everything I have tasted has been wonderful.”

He squints his eyes at you and then reaches for your fork, “here taste this, it’s my favorite desert.”

He takes a small piece on the fork and holds it out to you, you look over to your mother and see she is distracted talking to Queen Frigga. You look back to the Prince and without breaking eye contact take the bite of cake he offered you.

My God. It was delicious. You honestly wanted a whole piece but you knew you would pay for it later. Whether is be from the pain your mothers words bring you or the pain you feel in your body when you decide to push yourself training and starving yourself to make up for it.

“Thank you my Prince, it certainly is delicious.”

“Dance with me?” He asks you.

“Of..of course..” you were caught by surprise, you never get asked to dance at feasts and when you do it’s because their royal parents forced them to ask you.

Loki stands and holds out his hand to you which you take and make your way to the dance floor.

Thankfully you were taught most of these dances from when you were old enough to follow the steps. Loki moved you across the floor, bowed to you and moved to place his hand on your waist. He was looking directly in your eyes and the attention was making you nervous.

“You look beautiful Princess.”

“Thank you My Prince.”

“I must say the color on you is quite fetching, did you know that green is my royal color.”

Your face brightens.

“No My Prince! I did not mean…”

He starts to laugh, “it’s quite alright my dear, I’m actually quite surprised your mother didn’t put you up to it. Many ladies choose the color of the princes to attempt to catch their eye.”

“Oh My Prince I promise you that was not my intention, you would never…”

“I would never what?”

“My Prince…”

Just as you were about to continue your mother’s voice cuts interrupts you.

“Oh My Prince, thank you so much for dancing with my dear daughter.”

“Thanks are not necessary Queen Aredhel, your daughter looks very beautiful this evening. I simply wanted to ask her for a dance before other suitors created a queue.”

Your mother laughed, “Oh not to worry about that My Prince, my daughter doesn’t catch the eye of too many.”

Your body immediately freezes in shock and you can feel a ball developing in your throat from the tears that no doubt will start to well in your eyes.

“Excuse me..” you whisper and run off to the balcony. You knew you were going to hear about your rude exit from your mother later but you couldn’t find it in you to care. You make it to the balcony outside and you try to take some deep breaths. It was hard because this dress was so fucking tight, you could barely breathe let alone take the deep breaths needed to calm yourself.

You place your hand on the railing gripping it tightly and you close your eyes and let the tears fall.

“Princess?”

You hear Loki behind you.

“My Prince, forgive me, I just needed some air.” You try to dry your face from your tears.

“Hmm….” He walks over to you and leans over on the railing next to you. “So it wasn’t your mothers awful words that made you go running?”

You look over at him.

“No..my mother means well..”

“Don’t lie to me Princess, maybe I should’ve announced my full title like my idiotic brother. I am the God of lies darling, I know when someone tells me a falsehood.”

“I’m sorry My Prince, I do not wish to speak ill of my mother. If you would excuse me I believe I am going to take my leave, I’m not feeling very well.” You really weren’t, your head was pounding and you just wanted to get out of this restricting dress.

“Of course, I will escort you to your chambers.”

“That is not necessary My Prince, I have my maids that can take me.”

“I insist.” He takes your arm and leads you back towards the feast hall, but he stops you just before you walk through the doorway.

“Just a moment.”

He moves so he’s standing in front of you and he grabs your face lightly and whispers a spell, you feel a little tingle on your face.

“So you don’t look like you have been crying sweet girl.” He answers your unasked question.

“Thank you My Prince.”

“Call me Loki…please.” He asks, his hands still holding your face.

“Thank you..” you gulp…. “Loki.”

He smiles at you, “would you like to come to my chambers before you go to your own? I know you said you weren’t feeling well but I would love to spend a little more time with you before you retire. We can enjoy some more of that dessert?…”

Oh boy.

“My Prince…Loki..I don’t know..”

“We can go to your chambers if you’d like, we can even speak in front of one of your lady maids..whatever makes you comfortable. I just…I wish to get to know you more.”

“It’s alright, we can go to your chambers. I will tell my parents we will be going for a walk.”

He winks at you, “mischievous little scamp.”

You both make your way into the feast hall and you see your parents speaking with the Allmother and Allfather.

“My King, My Queen” you curtsy. Thank you so much for the invitation, everything is wonderful.”

Queen Frigga smiles, “of course Princess, we are always honored to have Alfheim come to our realm. You and your sister are a beautiful addition to our court.

“Indeed” Loki agrees, “mother, father, King Balin, Queen Aredhel with your permission I wish to take the Princess y/n for a walk. Possibly to the palace gardens.”

Queen Aredhel looked genuinely surprised, “of course Prince Loki! I’m sure my daughter would be happy to.”

You nod at Loki and you both leave the presence of your families to walk out the feast hall.

Next thing you know, Loki sends an illusion of the two of you one direction while you really walk in the opposite direction.

“The gardens are that way, they will know we went elsewhere if we went the true direction of my chambers.”

It wasn’t so far away from the hall but far enough you can’t hear the loudness of the people celebrating any longer.

Loki opens his doors when we arrived and escorts you inside and you are taken aback by his beautiful room. Again, a lot of gold. And lots and lots of green.

“Your chambers are beautiful.”

“Thank you y/n. Is it alright if I call you y/n?”

“If it is alright for me to call you by your first name you can certainly call me by mine.”

He smiles at you and walks with you to his private dining room. He pulls out a chair for you to sit and the idea of it kinda fills you with dread. The dress becoming painful, you move to step forward and all of a sudden the room starts to spin and you lose your footing. You fall forward but Loki catches you before you make impact with the floor.

“Are you alright?”

You breathing is a little labored as he sits you down in a chair.

“I think this dress is trying to kill me, I’m sorry my Prince I should really go to my chambers.”

You then feel that same tingling feeling you felt from his magic on your face earlier all over your body. Instead of the big uncomfortable gown you wore to the feast you were now in a light dress made of the finest silk.

Your hands immediately fly to cover your now free stomach, it’s not being held in anymore by the girdle your mother forced you to wear.

Embarrassment filling you again you stand up from the chair ready to run out of his room.

“I’m sorry My Prince I must leave.”

“Y/n wait! Please! What is it?”

“I do not wish you to see me dressed so.”

“Is the dress not to your liking? I can create another one more to your taste..”

“It’s not that My Prince, the dress is beautiful..I’m just not..a person who looks like me shouldn’t dress in something like this.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do I really have to say it?”

“Yes because I am throughly confused, you look beautiful.”

“You’re very sweet My Prince..”

“I thought we decided on no titles.” He sits you down in the chair again and removes your arms that are wrapped around your middle. “Darling girl, do not let your mothers words poison your mind. You are beautiful.”

“I’m not my sister, or the other ladies in court..”

“I agree, you are far more interesting.”

“Loki please..you and I both know my physical appearance is different from other ladies, they are tall and thin and I am neither of those things.”

“Is that why you hardly touched your food for the evening?”

You didn’t respond, you just look down at you lap.

You hear his chair scrape against the floor as he gets up, he pulls you to your feet.

“I don’ t believe we got to finish our dance.” He holds out his hand to you and he brings you to your feet.

You feel much better now that awful gown was off of you and you were able to easily move around the floor with Loki. The lack of music made it a little awkward but the gesture alone was sweet enough.

Not too long after you started your sweet slow dance Loki stops and looks down at you.

“May I kiss you my lady?”

You only had a moment of hesitation and then you nod your head. You never thought you would be asked to be kissed by such a handsome prince. With your permission, Loki leans in and kisses you. Softly at first and then he moves your arms so they are around his neck and he deepens the kiss.

Soon you are a moaning mess, releasing sinful sounds into his mouth. He just tasted so delicious, like that cake he had you try earlier and sweet wine.

He stops kissing you and looks down at you again, “my lady I’m afraid if we don’t stop here I will continue to ravish you.”

“Oh please my prince, ravish away!”

He lets out a loud laugh, “y/n I do not wish to do something you are not ready for…I can imagine you are still a maiden?”

“No..there was a soldier who I…I didn’t believe anyone would ever want to bed me so I just..I…” you’re stuttering, your embarrassment coming off of you in waves.

“Hush darling, no judgment here. In fact I am most pleased, this means I don’t have to be so careful with you”.

You didn’t know how to respond, no one had ever showed this type of attraction to you before, even the soldier who took your maidenhead made it seem like he was just trying to get through it as quickly as possible.

Loki takes you in his arms and lifts you effortlessly off the floor and carries you to the bedroom placing you on the bed.

You’re amazed by how strong he is.

“May I remove your dress darling?”

“Can I maybe leave it on?…you ask looking down at your lap again.

“Why darling?”

“I just..Loki I’m not like the other ladies you have had in your bed and I..I don’t wish for this to end.”

You still haven’t looked up at him, you see his feet now directly in front of you, “y/n look at me.”

You lift your head miserably to look him in the eye.

“You are beautiful. I have been dying to see your body all evening..please?”

After a moment you decide to let him remove your dress, you hope he still feels the same after he sees whats underneath.

You stand at the foot of the bed and pull the silk dress over your head, revealing your body underneath.

He looks at you up and down and when you were about to bend down to pick up your dress and leave he stops you and his hands move. One to cradle your face and the other goes behind you on your lower back to pull you closer to him.

“You are stunning darling, now…get on the bed.”

You feel your core clench at his words, you can also feel your juices already starting to leak down your leg.

You get on his bed and lay on your back, he removes his dress armor and climbs on top of you. Once he reaches your face he kisses you soundly, all teeth and tongue. He wanted you that was clear.

After you had been kissing for a while you could feel Loki’s cock brushing against your entrance, he starts rubbing you with purpose with it so he can get all of your arousal on him. He breaks away breathless from the kiss, “are you ready darling?”

“Yes! Gods yes!”

He slowly breaches you, he was much bigger than the soldier you shared a bed with so it took a moment to get adjusted to his size. But when you did…the pleasure you felt was remarkable. It almost made you sad because you knew that this would likely be the only time in your life you would feel such blinding pleasure.

“Y/n..you’re so tight..mmhmm..fuck you feel glorious…”

He pushes into you harshly a few times and then stops and pulls out of you quickly.

“I want you to ride me.”

“What? No Loki please.. I do not wish to..”

He looks down at you for a moment, “why darling?”

Your eyes start to well with tears again, “please Loki, I do not wish for you to see my body so..”

He kisses your tears away and then continues to kiss you until your body relaxes again.

“Darling girl, how many times must I say that you are beautiful? Will you trust me?..please?”

You don’t answer him so he quickly wraps you in his arms and moves so that he is on his back and you are now straddling him.

“Oh yes my girl, this is the view I have been dying to see all night.”

He reaches up and grabs your large breasts, squeezing and massaging them.

“Come darling lift up a little for me so I can feel your glorious heat again, I find myself missing your hot pussy.”

He helps you lift up slightly and you sit on his cock, slowly bringing yourself down all the way filling yourself with his large manhood.

“Fuckkk…oh darling you feel so good…”

“Fuck Loki, yesss..” you start to move your hips slowly, not entirely sure what you’re doing.

Loki starts to help you pick up the pace, he places his hands underneath your ass and helps you move up and down on his cock.

“Yes..y/n yes..just like that…fuck…”

His words giving you more confidence and you start to move quicker and harder, Loki is a moaning mess under you and the sounds he is making are bringing you closer and closer to your orgasm.

“Loki I’m so close….oh Gods…oh Valhalla!!”

“Valhalla cannot have you yet darling, not until I have had my fill of you.”

He flips you over and proceeds to rapidly pummel into you, his cock hitting just the right spot over and over again making you see stars.

“Loki!! Loki!! I’m cumming!”

“Gods darling yess…say my name again..I want the whole palace to know who is giving you this pleasure. Say it…”

“Loki!! Fuck!!! Loki!!!” You cum so hard you can only make out the sounds of his skin slapping against yours and then his own screams of pleasure.

“Y/N! Oh fuck..I’m going to cum in your hot pussy…do you want that darling? Do you want me to fill you?”

“Yes Loki! Please cum inside me!”

“Fuck!” He pushes in one final time and stills, you can feel his cum shoot inside of your womb.

You were completely spent..

Loki rolls off of you and pulls you into his arms.

“I will not hear of you speaking about yourself in such a way again..do you understand?”

“Yes my prince…”

“Y/n..look at me.”

You do and you see nothing but kindness in his eyes.

“You are mine now, you will no longer feel the inadequacies your mother has forced you to feel all of your life. You are beautiful…do you understand?”

“Yes Loki..thank you..”

“There is nothing to thank me for love..do you wish to bathe with me?”

“A bath sounds wonderful.”

With that he gives you a light kiss, rises out of bed and walks over to your side. He once again lifts your effortlessly in his arms to take you into the bathing chambers no doubt to add to this already unforgettable night.

The end..

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mychem1cal1mbalance · 12 days

Text

How it feels to be underweight

You're underweight, finally.

You've reached a bmi of 16, you're 45 kg, 166 cm.

People around you mention your weight occasionally. They tell you how skinny you are and sometimes comment on your diet, or lack thereof. People call you 'petite.' People say you don't eat enough, you need to eat more. You shrug it off. 'It's just genetics.' you say, 'I'm just naturally underweight'. Covertly, you ooze with sick pride. It isn't genetics, actually. It's a lot of hard labor. You run on the treadmill everyday. You skip breakfast and lunch. Actually, you don't eat at school anymore whatsoever; eating has become too sacred to do in public. You like to eat alone, that way you can really savor the meal. You eat 1 meal a day. You've told your parents not to cook for you anymore. You act too fussy, you say you don't like what they've made, you'll make dinner yourself. At first, they object, but eventually they become complacent with your little rituals, and allow you to eat in isolation. They worry sometimes, about how skinny you are. But you brush off their concerns, immediately on the defensive, 'I eat all the time!'

And you do. You lose control a lot. It seems to you, every other day you lose control. You snap, and eat everything. Absolutely everything. You eat to the point of eruption. Your stomach bloats outwards, pulled so uncomfortably tight it feels as if it will rupture. You've heard of that happening, but formerly could not conceive how full, just how much a person would have to eat for their stomach to actually burst open. Now you can. You go into a frenzy, eating and eating until you feel sick. You went over the limit. The day is ruined already, so you may as well. Your entire being is spiralling out of control. You are disgusting. You are pathetic.

The next day, you torture yourself with your daily weigh in. You have gained. You are a failure, you are repulsive. You look in the mirror, and you hate what you see still. Fat. How many kgs have you lost? You can't remember. You can't remember what your body used to look like. You don't really know what it looks like now -

are you really that skinny...?

You think to yourself: at 35 kg, you will finally be skinny.

You feel tired all the time, exhausted all the time. Emotionally. Physically. You are constantly losing control. You are constantly getting back on track. It's completely, excruciatingly, exhausting. It is draining you away. You cannot eat like a normal person. You cannot even conceive eating like a normal person. You look in the mirror, wondering when this all started. Still fat. The days are blurring, you hate yourself more. Binging. Restricting. You can never get a hold of yourself long enough, it seems, before you fuck everything up again.

You cannot fathom ever eating like a normal person again. This is just how you are. It's absolute hell. You can't seem to lose weight. But you need to lose weight. You'll feel better at 35kg, you know it. You'll finally be skinny at 35kg. You think about food all the time. Food, and losing. Losing and food. You hate yourself so much, you can hardly bare it. You need to lose weight. You need to lose weight. You are dying. You are stuck in a cycle. You feel like shit. You can't go over your limit, ever. But you do - you binge. Again and again. The guilt is bone-crushing. This is your own personal hell. You could never, ever, eat like a normal person, ever again. You cannot possibly conceive eating normally ever again. You're stuck this way, forever. You're hungry. Eventually, you want a reprieve from this torture, but you can't stop. If you stop, you'll gain weight. You want help, but you can't imagine getting it. You don't deserve help. At 35kg, you'll be worthy of help. At 35kg, you'll actually be skinny.

You need to lose weight.

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aealzx · 8 months

Text

Opening his eyes brought a scene of sterile grey walls and blistering white light that had Donnie squinting after the darkness they had been sucked into. After a few grimaced blinks he simultaneously realized his wrists and ankles were restrained, and Lil Mikey was missing. No matter, he could break these chains with a bit of mystic tech. The magic came easily to him, bringing him comfort in his tech always being with him despite the physically crafted devices having been stripped from him. But this time his effortless attempts were sliced away from him by a wave of nullifying energy that also drilled into his head with a stabbing wave. A light noise of irritation escaped a sneered nose as the energy within him flickered out along with the lights on his markings. Anti mystic tech. Great. They apparently knew who they were dealing with.

But who were they?

A question that was answered sooner than expected when a near invisible door slid to the side, a group of people behind it. “Well,” the woman at the front started. “I’m glad Agent Bishop’s records included a small note about the possibility of you four having gained mystic abilities. I have to admit I’m not completely familiar with the concepts, but I did coerce some help in crafting the proper precautions, just to be safe.” She spoke with an even, familiar tone that didn’t match the situation as far as Donnie was concerned. Her path took her towards him before she stopped and sat in a metal chair that was brought to her from behind. A good signifier to Donnie that she was the one in charge. After a moment of staring at him, earning nothing but a silent glare back, the woman adjusted her glasses and held her hand up, her assistant placing a tablet in her hand. “I have to say, you’ve really let yourself go. Losing nearly a third of your weight. You really ought to take better care of yourself, Donatello Splinterson.”

That caused Donnie to blink, questions rising in his mind that he could mostly start to form answers to. That wasn’t his second name. Mistaken identity? With a mutant turtle? Not likely. But with a yokai? He didn’t know of any yokai turtles by the name of Donatello. She had data about whoever she thought he was though, and he had nothing on her. “Then I presume you’re….?” he trailed off, giving her the chance to fill in the information he was lacking.

“That’s correct. Agent Jane Augustine. John Bishop’s successor, and the one you and your brothers have persisted to be an annoyance to,” Augustine supplied, adjusting her glasses again before rising to her feet once more. “I have to commend you for the setbacks you’ve given me. No one else has managed to break into government security as often as you-...”

Augustine’s speech broke off when she noticed something, her head twitching to get a different angle. She was silent for a moment, then voiced the subject of her derailed thoughts. “Your eyes are the wrong color.”

Oh. Well that was easy. Apparently this other Donatello didn’t have delectably golden eyes like him. “Maybe your sources are just colorblind,” Donnie sassed back.

“And you have an attitude…,” Augustine noted, eyes narrowing slightly. Donnie knew the signs of a brilliant mind churning through possibilities when he saw it. And sure enough a bud of excitement was starting to rise in her frame. “...Where are you from?”

“Earth,” Donnie answered automatically, giving the vaguest response as possible just to be a pain.

Augustine didn’t seem perturbed, instead gripping his chin for a moment. “Which Earth?” she asked.

Donnie realized what was going on the moment Augustine’s thoughts were confirmed by his raising brows. Drawing a breath to smother back her breakthrough, Augustine released him before turning to the others hanging back at the entrance of the room. “Get me a full blood, fluid, and tissue sample immediately. From this one, and the one that was with him. Documented currently under the name Michaelangelo-”

She started to direct her workers, but as soon as Donnie heard enough evidence they had Lil Mikey as well he snapped. “If you even scratch my brother I will blow up this entire establishment. With or without people in it.”

Augustine looked surprised to be interrupted, but politely let him finish before she laughed. “And how will you do that? You’re my ward now. And I have you in chains, and your mystic abilities effectively nullified.”

As her assistants moved to comply with her orders Augustine stepped back, a smile growing on her lips as she watched her new toy squirm and try to pull back from the prying hands. The restraint holding his left arm was transferred to a separate device that allowed them to keep it taught as they lowered it to where they could more easily access it. Donnie struggled fruitlessly against all of the chains, yanking until he could feel the metal biting into his hands and feet, especially when one of them circled wordlessly around behind him. It immediately made him feel isolated, and claustrophobic. His scarred shell was exposed to their invasive hands, the contact delicate but still earning a warning hiss from him. Another set of hands was reaching towards his face, and Donnie pulled back for just a moment before lurching forward without fully thinking.

The monotonous emptiness with which the assistant had been working shattered with shriek from the one Donnie currently had his teeth sank into. It didn’t matter that they had a surgical gown covering their forearm, it was already shredded through. Donnie was aiming for blood, and he got it. The other assistants scattered with various startled noises as Donnie’s victim punched him in the nose, as if they could get him to let go like some rabid dog. They drew their own blood from him, but he refused to release them, even as they yanked against him.

“Doctor, please,” Augustine spoke up calmly, raising her hand to still the commotion as soon as a fist had been used. “I prefer to have my wards physically unharmed as much as possible,” she chastised, striding forward and moving her raised hand to the side of Donnie’s jaw. “There are much more efficient ways to open a mouth…”

Donnie yelped as her finger wedged into his joint, pressing against a nerve and making him snap his jaw open and pull away from the source of the pain. As soon as they were free the assistant scurried back to the others and Augustine calmly withdrew her hand. She paused for a moment to let Donnie spit the blood from his mouth before reaching forward again to snatch his chin in her hand once more. Forcing him to look in her direction, Augustine gave him a slight smile. “Behave yourself, Donatello. I might be a forgiving woman, but many of my employees are not. Especially when you’ve damaged them as such,” she cautioned, reaching her free hand up to smudge away the blood dripping from his nose, but ignoring the lines running down his chin.

Donnie just gave a snarled hiss in response. “Try it again and we’ll see if they lose a finger or two next.”

The response earned a single syllable, mirthless chuckle from Augustine. Pausing for a moment, as if daring him to try biting her, she eventually released him again. Turning for the door, she casually grabbed a damp wipe from one of the carts that had been pulled in to clean her hands. “Evangeline, you’re excused to wash up. But please take samples from the wound for me if you will,” she directed on her path to the exit. “The rest of you finish up here, then meet me in the other rooms. Drop him to the floor if you must.”

Apparently the fear of being bitten was overridden by whatever hold Augustine had over them, for the assistants returned to their assigned task with just a bit more caution than before. At first Donnie thought he was going to be knocked unconscious, but instead the other restraint on his arm was moved like the other one. And this time, instead of just being stretched across a clothesline, mechanical arms with mildly padded poles at the ends curled out from the walls. A breath half left Donnie’s lungs as the poles collided with the back of his shoulders and legs, pushing him forward as the chains kept him taught, lowering him forward until he was pressed against the floor. It made the inside of his elbow harder to reach, but they didn’t seem to care, a clasp slipping over his hand to keep him from twisting his arm as they brought a needle towards it. Donnie snarled, and hissed, and forced his body against the abundance of fetters binding him in place to no avail. It was too much. The wrong kind of weight against his exposed skin. Cold, unforgiving pressure on his scarred back, squeezing air from his lungs. Sharp edges digging into his limbs while they stretched his muscles just barely below the point of damage. Drawing the largest breath he could manage, Donnie released his irritation in the form of a long, headache inducing bellow.

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This scene was plaguing my brain all day today |D

If anyone is worried this is the most I'll get into in regards to violence against someone that can't fight back. I'm not planning on getting all that dark =u=b

#my art #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #blood #mild gore #rise donnie #cross dimension kidnapping #rise + 2003 crossover #tmnt crossover #writing #long post #I marked this as mature #but let me know if it needs other tags

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momolady · 2 years

Text

The Shadow, the Orc, and the Princess: Part two

The story of Princess Leopoldine continues. As she grows she realizes what she wants when she is to take the kingdom. but there is a possibility her promise of taking the throne could be halted.

Female Main Character x Male Monster (both cis)

Part One

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The first few months of Bronn’s life were hard. Due to his small size and the extremely cold weather he was often sick. We were all worried for him, losing sleep and appetite during the darkest of moments.

“He’s one of us,” my father would say. “He’s strong, he can do this.”

I kept looking at Bronn, worrying about how tiny he was and how hard he had to work to breathe. I didn’t say a word, because anything I might say could turn into a curse upon my tongue.

“The dawn can’t seem bright without the night,” my father said reassuringly. “Your mother told me that once.”

I looked away from Bronn’s crib and into my father’s eyes. He was exhausted beyond all reason, but he was still smiling.

Tears welled up into my eyes. “I feel like dawn isn’t coming.”

“Come here.” He beckoned me over and held me close. “It will come. One way or another, it will come.”

A year to the day after I was told Bronn was coming, he laughed for the first time. I was holding him and sneezed very loudly. I was terrified I had startled him, instead he began laughing.

Bronn began to come out of night and rise into the dawn. He began to grow and gain weight, and he obtained a vicious little appetite. By the time summer was at an end he was walking and following us wherever he could.

“Look at these strong legs!” My father announced to anyone who would listen. “He was built to be a warrior!”

“Maybe a dancer,” my mother would interject.

“Leo had legs like these when she was little. Did she not?” My father set Bronn on the ground and grinned into his face. “You’re going to conquer worlds, aren’t you my little raven? You’re going to cast shadows over everything you see.”

I was a bit uneasy about my father’s words, so I just told myself it was baby talk. “He will do as he pleases,” I corrected. “Remember? You said that to me when you announced he was coming.”

“I stand by that!” He huffed. “But look at him! He will be a beauty to his lovers, and a monster to his enemies.”

My mother rolled her eyes at me and I smiled. She then looked at a letter and she scowled deeply. Ever since Bronn was born, letters from Arda the First had been coming in more frequently. She was demanding that she see the new baby and to make sure it didn’t turn out ‘like the last one’.

I snatched the letter from my mother’s hand. “I would love to give her a piece of my mind.”

“Now, now Leopoldine, she has her ways and that’s what she lives by. You certainly wouldn’t want someone telling you that-” She stopped herself when she caught what she was about to say. “In any case, I’m going to tell her once again that Bronn is sick and that we can’t travel.”

“She can’t even get off her bony ass to come down here?” My father snapped.

“She thinks you’ll kill her dear,” my mother huffed.

“Good! That’s what I want her to think.”

“We can’t keep her at bay forever though,” she huffed. “The older she gets, the more impatient she grows.”

I looked at the letter in my hand, and it felt thicker than the ones that had come before. I opened it and read it for myself. It didn’t take long to come across the first thing that set my blood to steam.

“She says she has ideas for my marriage,” I guffawed.

My mother rolled her eyes. “She always has ideas.”

My father picked up Bronn and carried him over to trade with me. Bronn sat happily in my grasp as he read over the letter.

“She’s crazier than I am!”

My mother slouched back in her seat. “By how much, dearest?”

My father made sneering and mocking faces at the letter. “Leo has an intended already lined up! I have plans for her!”

Another turn of phrase that sunk the metaphorical dagger of fear into my liver.

“You’re still on that?” My mother rose and took Bronn from me. “But what is she on about?”

“She says since we now have a male heir we need to worry about what will happen to Leopoldine. Talking about her as if she’s going to die alone or destitute because of ‘my worrisome ways’.”My father ripped the letters into shreds then tossed them into the fireplace. “It isn’t her place to say how I should worry about my heir!”

I looked into Bronn’s big brown eyes for reassurance.

My father was huffing and puffing enough to suck in the castle walls. “And besides, Brevalan is the only suitor I will accept for Leo.”

“He’s been away all this time, I would have figured you’d have changed your mind about him by now.” My mother began walking away with Bronn, heading towards the hall and probably her study.

My father scoffed, then turned and looked at me. “Come on, let's throw axes and blow off some steam.”

I wanted to open my mouth and ask him who his heir was, but the breath left my body. I followed behind him, watching his back as he strut down the halls.

“He’ll come back one day, but I told him to train as long as he needed,” my father said.

“Huh?” I gasped.

He glanced over his shoulder. “Brevalan, you looked worried when he was brought up. I told him to train until he was satisfied, and that when he came back he would continue to work hard.”

“But why did you send him away?” I asked.

“Because then he’d be able to receive better training. A wider variety of training actually.” he looked down at me and grinned. “If he learned only from me then he’d know everything I know and then he could use that against me. It’s best that he knows little of my methods.”

My heart sank. “Then why do I know everything you know?”

“Because your mother would have throttled me for sending you away. But don’t you fret, I’ve kept a few of my tricks.” We reached the axe rink and he began inspected edges.

Not what I was concerned with. “Will you send Bronn away then?”

“Not unless I wanted your mother to burn me alive!” He selected two axes, tossing them up into the air then catching their handles. “I doubt she’d let me send him out alone to pick apples well into his thirties.” He turned, slinging an axe with all his might and hitting the target. He held out the second axe to me. “Stop fretting over it. You two will still be some of the best warriors in all the world.”

I took the axe and tried to shake off my fears. “I know, Dad.”

As the seasons turned cold again, fears that Bronn would get sick plagued my family. My father brought in new physicians, as well as worked on ways to keep the palace warmer. I trained outside to escape the bedlam and stress. Sometimes I found it hard to go inside, because I feared that once I did I’d find Bronn sick.

I’d sit out in the cold, watching my breath fade into the air. One late afternoon, a figure came and stood beside me. I looked up and up, until I realized who it was.

“So you do remember me,” Brevalan laughed.

I jumped to my feet. “You’re the last person I expected to see! But I certainly remember you!” I patted his arm in welcome. “What are you doing here? Are you back for good or something already, it’s only been a year and a half!”

“No. I’m not so lucky as to be back for good. My brothers sent for me, they’ve decided to come and join me.” He set down his things then sat on the bench.

I returned to sitting beside him. “How long do you plan to stay?”

“Not sure. I haven’t decided.” He sighed. “I guess I’ll let my brothers finish up their business here and tend to their belongings before we travel.”

I couldn’t stop looking at him. Not much had changed, but there were definite signs of his training. His arms looked stronger, his face was scruffy, and there were new tattoos on the back of his hand.

I smiled brightly as I snapped myself out of staring. “It might be loud inside, but would you like to come in and warm up?”

“In a moment.” he exhaled heavily. “I’ve been on foot most of the day, I just want a moment off of them.” he then turned his head towards me. “Your father sent me word about your brother. Congratulations.”

“Yeah.” I looked back out over the yard. “He’s amazing.”

Brevalan leaned forward onto his knees. “Is something the matter?”

I shook my head. “I guess not.” I turned and smiled at him. “It is good to see you here though.”

He smirked. “I figured you would have forgotten about me by now.”

“Oh no!” I laughed. I cupped my hands around my ears. “Anytime I throw an axe or spar with someone I can hear your voice ringing like an annoying chime in my ears.” I then shushed him. “You’re veering to the left!” I said tauntingly. “You’re going to far to the left!”

Brevalan laughed loudly, leaning back in the seat and holding his gut. He beamed down at me and my cheeks went warm. “Well, are you?”

I pinched my fingers together. “A little still. But you never showed me how to throw properly.”

He smiled serenely. “If I wasn’t so tired, I’d show you now.”

“You’ll never show me, '' I chortled. “Because then you’ll know I’ll be better than you and you’ll never be able to hold that over my head.”

“That is true,” he teased.

“I know.” I then stood up and offered my hand. “Come on, it’s warm inside and I’m sure my father would love to offer you a warm drink.”

“I thought you said it was loud inside.” Brevalan took hold of my hand and rose from the bench.

“We can find somewhere quiet, I’m sure. Everyone is just worried about Bronn.” I kept hold of his hand as I took him inside.

Inside the halls I could hear my parents arguing in the distance, so I took Brevalan another way. I took him into the opposite wing where my mother had made a greeting room for guests.

“I can sneak down to the kitchen and get something to eat,” I offered.

“Just resting a moment is good enough for me.” He huffed as he took a seat. He pulled out his hair from inside his coat, tossing it over the back of the chair. “That, and good company.”

“It must be bad out there if you consider me good company.”

He smirked. “The man your father sent me to train with is a strict man. The few of us he kept on as students barely get along and he fosters that competition between us.”

That made me think about Bronn and I for a split second.

Brevalan sighed. “And even if we only knew each other for a short time, I still enjoyed your company. After all, I’m working towards being your most trusted hand.”

“And we were engaged for a short period,” I laughed.

“Ah yes, those blissful few moments I had a bride. I remember them fondly.” His amber eyes fell upon me and his smile turned nostalgic. “Have you thought of me since I left?”

“Left,” I snickered. I then smiled and nodded my head. “More than I expected. I think you left an impression. Did I?”

“Your father writes about you so often, I have no other choice.”

My cheeks warmed and tingled. “About that. I had no clue my father wrote to you, or else I would have sent letters as well.”

“Now that you know, you can.”

I smiled shyly and nodded. “Maybe I will.”

“Then I can get the story straight from you and not your father,” he chuckled.

I leaned forward in my seat and pinched my brow. “Just exactly what is he saying about me?”

Brevalan glanced away, reaching up and rubbing his jaw. “Anything a father might say about his child.”

“That might work on me if my father was normal,” I huffed. “Now out with it. What does he say?”

Brevalan leaned his head back and exhaled loudly. “You see that is where it gets tricky.”

The hairs on the back of my neck prickled up.

“Most of what he writes, he says to me in confidence. And since he’s taking care of me and my brothers, I feel I should uphold some bond between us, even if I do plan to fight him several times in the future.”

I swallowed and sat back.

“I will say he does an awful lot of bragging about you. He’s more proud of anything you do than anything he’s ever done.” Brevalan looked into my eyes. “He thinks you’re the moon in his sky. Those are his exact words.”

I pressed my lips together and nodded. “I knew that! I was wondering if he had said anything else.”

“He makes me worry that I will never be able to catch up. I’m also mildly terrified of you.” His smile makes my heart flutter. “But I just remind myself that you go left.”

I laughed, bowing my head down to hide how big my smile had become. “But by the time you come back, I won’t. I swear on that.”

He grinned at me. “And like I said, I can’t wait to see it.”

I suppose some time during the evening we both fell asleep by the fire. Brevalan had been traveling, and I had been fretting over the coming winter and Bronn. I woke to a chill, spying that the fireplace was soon to go out.

I got up to add wood to the fire and I looked down at Brevalan asleep in the chair. His legs were stretched out before him, splayed a bit, and his head was turned to the side so his cheek was smooshed and his mouth hung open.

I fought with myself for a long time, longer than I should have. I tiptoed closer to Brevalan looking at him up close for once. The way his jaw and neck met in a muscular curve had me biting my lip. Then how his shirt hung open, showing the top of his chest and the hair upon it made my heart skip a beat. I stretched out my fingers to touch his cheek, but recoiled them again when he grunted.

His hand slid down his stomach, rubbing before resting again. I saw the new tattoo on the back of his hand was some sort of flower I had never seen before. I came closer to him, closing my eyes for a moment then pulling away. I couldn’t do it. Instead I went back to the fireplace.

“Coward.”

Every hair on my body stood on end. I turned back to see Brevalan’s eyes was cracked open and he was smirking.

“What?” I huffed. “Go back to sleep, you’re dreaming.”

“No, I don’t think so.” He sat up and his long hair fell over his chest.

I turned back to the fireplace. “Then you’re imagining things.”

Brevalan stood up from his chair as I placed fire onto the glowing embers. I felt him come up right behind me. I ignored him, not even looking his way as he knelt down beside me.

“Look at me,” his deep voice rumbled.

I grimaced. “No.”

His lips pressed against my cheek when I refused to turn. It was warm, a little wet, and it made my insides squirm with glee.

“Because of your father’s letters, you’ve never been out of my mind,” he whispered.

I bit my lip and stayed quiet.

“I want to be your king, but I will settle for a knight as long as I get to remain by your side.”

I turned my head and looked at him. “You have to work hard.”

Brevalan grinned, placing his hand upon my face as I placed a kiss upon his lips. I forgot to breathe until he pulled away, placing his thumb upon my bottom lip. He smiled and pressed his forehead against mine, which felt even more intimate than the kiss.

“Why do I feel like this?” I murmured. “I’ve never felt so nervous around someone.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

I shook my head.

He kissed the tip of my nose then smoothed the hair away from my face. “Leopoldine, you terrify me for many reasons. Your strength. Your ferocity. But mostly by just existing in my presence and I cannot do anything about it.”

I giggled and ran my fingers through his hair, something I had wanted to do since I first met him. “If you could do something, what would you do?”

He pressed his lips to my ear and whispered. I had been prepared for a lot of things, but I had not been prepared for what he said. My face instantly turned red and I had to pull myself away for a second.

“Was it something that I said?” Brevalan chuckled.

I cleared my throat. “You’re just fooling with me, aren’t you?”

Brevalan caught my chin between his fingers and lifted my head. “I wouldn’t fool with you, that’s dangerous.”

I gulped.

“If I could, I would do everything possible to make you feel my devotion. I’d bathe you in my kisses and I’d make your legs grow weak.” He smiled. “If I ever win your hand you would never a know a night without my affection.”

“Shut up.” I kissed him hard, cupping his face in my hands if only to make him stop talking. I did want to hear his words though, but I was not prepared for them.

The doors opened and I sat up in alarm. My father stood there, scanning the room before his eyes fell on me.

My father sighed with relief. “There you are, Leo! What on earth are you doing here by yourself?”

Brevalan sat up from the floor with a guilty look upon his face.

My father’s eyes widened. “Brev my boy, when did you get here?”

“Earlier this evening, sir.” Brevalan stood in attention and I stepped aside from him to not seem so culpable.

My father rubbed his chin, his eyes darting between Brevalan and I. “I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

“I was kissing your daughter, sir,” Brevalan said without an ounce of fear.

I stared up at him, shaking down to my toes.

My father nodded, his eyes darting to me and then back to Brevalan. He huffed and tilted his chin up. “Did she like it?”

Brevalan flinched. “Sir?”

My father motioned to me. “Were you kissing him back, Leo? Was it mutual between the two of you?”

I gulped and nodded shakily. “I…I was, Dad. It was uhm…both of us.”

He sighed and placed his hands upon his hips. “So I was interrupting something.” he then sighed. “Well, I guess now I have to be a father and separate you two. Come along Leo. Brevalan, stay here and I’ll come back to show you a room.”

“Yes, sir.”

I touched Brevalan’s hand before following my father. I left the room with him, stepping into the hallway where silence became a crushing weight to bear. I stared at his back for a long while as he took me through the dark hallways.

“Dad?” My voice cracked.

“I used to sneak around with your mother like that,” he sighed. “That made me very nostalgic.”

I opened my mouth then shut it. “You aren’t mad?”

“I’m surprised, but I am not mad.” He turned around and put his arm around me. “I know how young hearts can pitter patter. But I will have a stern talk with that young man.”

“We just kissed,” I murmured.

“I know, Leopoldine. But I am still your father and a younger lover once long ago. It’s my job to give these lectures,” he chuckled.

“You really aren’t mad?” I murmured.

My father turned to face me, placing both his hands upon my shoulders. “Do you like him, Leopoldine?”

I nodded. “I’ve never felt this way before.”

“Good. Then you’re just like me. I was certain I’d never fall in love, only in lust. And then I met your mother and my whole world changed. I loved her at first sight, and I knew I would do anything in this world to keep her.” he smiled at me and kissed the top of my head. “You can make it to your room from here. I’m going to go back and talk to him.”

“Be nice,” I said sternly.

“I’ll let him live,” he chortled as he walked away.

I went into my room and sighed. Touching my face I realized I was still blushing and warm. I sat down upon my bed and looked out the window as clouds floated before the moon. I laid back in bed as my mind wandered aimlessly through the words Brevalan had spoken.

“When I become queen, I’ll marry him.”

---------

Not long after my sixteenth birthday my father gave me the opportunity to train my own knights. I was excited, but only until I learned he wanted to begin focusing on Bronn and his training. While it was a worrisome moment, I decided it was best to put my focus onto deciding the kind of people I wanted around me, as they would be with me when I was queen.

I went into the village, selecting six young women. I decided if I was going to have these people around me, I wanted them to be like me so we would all understand one another. Two of them, Kirsa and Veerle, became my constant companions, and the three of us worked together on the best training regimen for our knights.

“Our best means would be horseback,” Veerle suggested. “We can strength train all we want, but our best advantage would be learning how to combat mounted.” She was a tiefling and was the tallest and strongest of my girls as well as the most educated. She came from a well off family but had worked on her family’s farm as soon as she could walk.

“Archery!” Kirsa interjected excitedly. “Aiming and shooting, those will be what's most fun.” She was much more petite and thin than most of my girls, but she held a vicious streak inside her that made her a terrifying combatant. The others called her the Goblin.

Veerle gave her a look and her tail twitched. “It’s not about what’s the most fun.”

“Oh come on!” Kirsa whined. “We can swing battle axes all the time. Arrows give us range! The give us speed! They’re silent, most people don’t know they’ve been hit until it’s too late,” she giggled with glee.

Veerle then gave me the look.

“She’s right,” I grumbled reluctantly. “And most of the girls are already performing well in archery.”

“That’s not what worries me. The Goblin does.”

Over the years we perfected our craft. Our horses were carefully selected and bred, our girls were trained to be the best shooters in the land. We became a vicious and beautiful force to be reckoned with.

Around my twenty-first birthday my mother fell ill. I asked that any celebration be canceled, as I didn’t feel like celebrating while she was sick.

“Do you think she’ll be okay?” Bronn asked me one night. He had been having nightmares and he took to coming and sleeping with me.

I stroked his hair, giving him a faint smile. “She’ll be fine. She just needs her rest. She gets better by the day.”

Boon went quiet, holding onto his stuffed knight toy. “Are you okay?”

I chuckled. “What are you going on about, little prince? What’s going on in that head of yours?”

He looked up at me with those big eyes and pouted. “I keep feeling you hurt.”

I sighed and pulled him into my arms. “Don’t you worry about your big sister. I will be okay. As long as I have you around, I will always find a reason to smile.”

His small hands touched my face. “What if the shadow man comes back?”

“Don’t you worry about the shadow man either. I handle him just fine.” I kissed the tip of his nose. “Now get to sleep. We can’t have you getting sick either.”

Bronn settled down, closing his eyes and holding his toy close.

I hated he worried so much, but he seemed to feel everything that those around him felt. Father said it was a special power, and one we should watch and cultivate.

But the shadow man was something else. He was a gargantuan man clad only in black who would appear at the palace every few months. He kept his face obscured, wrapped in black cloth, and his hands were stained as if by ink. Father’s wrestling matches had grown, and I had started taking on challengers myself the same way my father did. I would let any challenger come forward and select their choice in weapon. The shadow man began showing up not long after.

During our first fight, he chose a sword. I could tell he was being tentative, so I put everything I had into the fight.

“You choose a sword but you’re using it like a shield!” I yelled at him. “Why challenge me if you’re only going to act delicately!” I struck his sword and he threw me back. I went flying into the ground, hitting so hard it nearly knocked the air from my lungs.

“I was merely waiting to see how you danced around the arena,” he replied with a gravelly voice. “Now I know how you move, and I won’t be gentle again.” He held out his hand and helped me up from the ground. “Now, let's start again.”

I wiped my face and nodded. “Be prepared. Now that I know you watch, I won’t move the same way twice.”

The match ended in a strange stalemate. I was more exhausted, but I had landed a blow to him that slowed him down. My father called the match, realizing both of us were at the ends of our ropes.

The next match he paid back my final strike with another, resulting in a cut on my arm that had my mother panicked for weeks. But the resulting scar had both my father and I proud ever since.

“I look forward to these matches, princess,” the shadow man told me. “You keep me on my toes like no other opponent has.”

I looked him up and down, always marveled by the size of his arms and thighs. “How so? You appear awfully flat footed.”

He chuckled, and that deep, raspy sound always ignited the woman in me. “I think it’s because you hold no expectations for the fight. You simply become a warrior when you battle.”

I smiled up at him, more flattered than if he had complimented my eyes. “You could woo a woman with words like those.”

“Not just any woman, princess. Only you.”

Perhaps I had lust in my heart for a man who kept himself hidden. What woman hasn’t fallen for someone tall, dark, and mysterious?

I found him taking care of his wounds late one evening. It was a memory I carried with me as often as I thought about the kiss I shared with Brevalan. He was putting a bandage around his arm as I came upon him. His back stiffened in attention and both of us remained silent.

I approached, letting my tunic hang open so my breasts were almost presented.

“Princess,” he growled.

“I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy our little rivalry.” I bent down, kissing where I thought his mouth might be through the black fabric. I felt his hot breath, his lips, and then he pushed me away.

“Careful, princess,” he snarled warningly.

I smirked and reached down into his lap. “Are you sensitive, shadow man?”

He growled, moaning as my fingertips found purchase on something big. “You shouldn’t be aiming for such a dangerous game.”

“I know what I want. Fighting you gives me great pleasure.”

The shadow man snarled, grabbing my hand and forcing it down upon his cock. “Do you even know how to handle such a weapon?”

I chuckled, groping and squeezing him through his pants. “Do you?”

He moaned again, sending shivers through my body. “Why are you after this, princess? Is this some rebellion?”

“I was taught that desire is worth pursuing. It’s worth it to fulfill it” I undid the laces of his pants. “You don’t have to take off your mask, shadow man. I don’t need your kisses or your affection. I just want to be fulfilled.”

The shadow man grunted, standing up and placing me over a table. He yanked down my britches then began fondling between my legs. I whimpered and pressed my cheek into the table. His fingers were rough and thick, rubbing against my softest part until wetness began to flow. His finger dipped inside and I felt a wash of relief with a new tension.

“Do you really enjoy fighting me so much, princess?” The shadow man breathed.

I moaned for him. “Yes. Nothing gives me more pleasure, until now.”

His fingers pressed deeper while another rubbed against the sensitive bud at the top of my folds. “Are you sure you want this?”

“I’ve thought about it long enough. I no longer want the fantasy, shadow man. I want to know the truth.”

He pulled his hand away, and my poor slit felt wanting. I gasped as I felt him press against me. His strong hands kneaded into my thick thighs, his hard cock pressed against my ass.

“Is this the truth you seek?” He growled. “Do you feel it now?”

I closed my eyes, trying to imagine the shape and size of him. He felt quite big, much bigger than I expected.

His hips moved slightly, dipping so his cock slipped between my thighs. My wetness coated his shaft as he rubbed it against me. “Do you still want it?”

I gulped and whined. “Yes. I want it.”

“Then, sweet princess, you shall have it.” The shadow man was inside me, stretching me, taking my breath away. His heat radiated through my loins and melted my knees so I had to rely on the table to keep me up.

“Fucking hell,” the shadow man snarled. “You’re so damned wet.”

“I’ve wanted this for so long!” I wheezed. “It’s better than I thought.”

He rutted inside me, groaning as his fingers kneaded into me. “This cannot be your first,” he snarled.

I lifted my rear, pressing it against his stomach. “It won’t be the last, I’ll tell you that.”

“Princess, how dare you?” He pulled out then slammed back hard inside me. “I had no warning.”

I bit my lip as I smiled. “Harder. Like you’re trying to fight me!”

He drove in deeper again, moving both me and the table.

“Just like that,” I purred.

“Leo! Leo!” I was pulled from my dreams, shake awake by my brother.

“What’s wrong? What?” I sputtered and kicked the blankets. I was caught somewhere between the shadow man’s embrace and Bronn’s sniffling. “I’m here! I’ here I-” I turned to look into Bronn’s terrified expression. “Oh no, was it a bad dream?” I was having such a good one, but his fear took me out of it completely.

Bronn threw his face down onto my chest and started weeping.

“Hey.” I sat up, holding him tight. “Talk to me. What happened?”

“I don’t want you to go,” Bronn blubbered.

I chuckled. “Go? I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying here.”

Bronn shook his head, hiccuping and sniffling.

I rubbed his back gently, trying to get him to talk. “It’s okay, Bronn. I’m right here. Big sister is always going to be here, especially for you.”

Bronn whimpered and held onto my nightgown tightly. “You have to though.”

I reached the side table, grabbing the cup of water I kept there for Bronn. “Tell me about your dream. What happened?”

Bronn sniffled, lifting his head as I offered him the cup. He took it in both hands, looking down inside where the moonlight reflected off the surface. “You trade places with mom, and you go in her place.”

I furrowed my brow. “Go where?”

Bronn drinks down the water, lifting his head up only to breathe. “Somewhere dark. Something grabs you there with these scary hands!”

“That’s just a dream, Bronn. It’s okay.”

He was quiet, keeping his eyes cast down.

I smiled and tickled the back of his neck. “Aside from Father, I’m the strongest person here. No hands are going to grab me. Got it?”

Bronn giggled and finally looked up at me. “You sure?”

“Positive.” I laid him back down in bed. “Now back to sleep with you. I’m sure Father has some big plans in store.”

The next day I was outside with Veerle and Kirsa, working on our new batch of recruits, when I was fetched by one of our maids from the castle.

“It’s urgent,” she breathed heavily. “Your father is demanding you get there now!”

“Is it my mother?” I asked as I set my weapons aside.

She shrugged. “I’m not sure. I was simply grabbed in the hallway.”

I followed her back inside where my father was waiting at the door. He grabbed my hand right away, pulling me into the castle.

“Is Mother okay?” I gasped.

“For now,” he huffed. “But we have something serious on the horizon.”

I grabbed his hand tight. “You’re scaring me!”

We went into my mother’s room where she was sitting up in bed with Bronn by her side. She looked up at me, a smile on her face but concern in her eyes.

“I hope he’s not being dramatic,” she sighed.

“He is.” I yanked my hand away. “What’s going on?”

I saw the letter in her lap, and I knew the wax seal immediately. “Oh, it's Grandmother again.” I rolled my eyes and took the letter from her.

“She’s insisting on coming down since it is your twenty-first year and your mother is ill,” my father scoffed.

“I think it would be alright,” my mother muttered.

“But the stress she causes would undo all the work you’ve done to recuperate,” my father fussed.

I looked over the letter carefully, making sure to read between the lines. But grandmother's intentions were as clear as crystal. She would arrive to prepare birthday celebrations for me as well as tend to her child, Arda the second.

A thought flickered in my mind, one that would protect my mother but possibly be a torturous event for for me. “What if I go to her instead?”

Bronn gasped loudly.

“I won’t let you fall on such a blade,” my father huffed. “Maybe we can build a moat around the entire kingdom instead.”

“Darling,” my mother spoke up warningly. “Think reasonably. Where would we ever find enough shovels for such a thing?” She then looked at me apologetically. “Leopoldine, you don’t have to do that either.”

My grandmother was not a well liked person in our family. Luckily, her being a queen kept her at a safe distance for the most part. “But I would be dealing with her regardless. At least if I went to her you’d still be able to rest in peace. I’ll take Kirsa and Veerle with me, it shouldn’t be too horrible.”

“You say that-” my father grumbled. “But that woman is a vile cu-”

“Darling!” My mother snapped at him while putting her arm around Bronn’s head. “My mother is very hard to get along with,” my mother agreed.

“I’ll look at it as mental training,” I chuckled. “Can always do with more training. Right, Father?”

He frowned at me. “Even I wouldn’t be this cruel to you.”

I smiled. “Send her word that I will come to her. After all, it must be so hard to travel at her age.”

My father sighed. “I will send someone for you if Bronn has a bad dream.”

I frowned and looked at Bronn who gave me a worried expression. “I’m sure Bronn will have sweet dreams all this time. Won’t you, little prince?”

Bronn kept quiet but nodded.

“Yes, well, it still stands!” My father huffed.

Word was sent ahead to Arda the First, and within a few days I was ready to leave with Kirsa and Veerle. I was nervous, to say the least, but I knew I was doing this to protect my mother.

The night before I was set to go, my father pulled me aside to have a private conversation with me. Most of it was nothing new, we mainly went over our attack strategies and how to tie knots. Then, he said something strange.

“Arda the First was obsessed with my brother,” he murmured.

“Really? You’ve never told me this,” I said with a chuckle.

He sighed. “It was never something that needed to be brought up. But you’re an adult now, have been for quite a while. And I didn’t want Arda bringing it up and surprising you.”

It was a bit shocking, but nothing too jarring. “Good thing she and Julian never got together. They would have been…troublesome I bet.”

“She was already married by the time she met and fell for Julian. But when her husband died, she thought they could be together-” It sounded like he had more to say, but he kept quiet. “It doesn’t matter really. He didn’t last much longer.”

“You happened.”

He smiled and nodded his head. “That’s correct, my dearest girl.” He sat back in his chair and took a deep breath. “Your grandmother isn’t like your mother, and she’s even farther from me. She’s not happy. I want you to keep that in mind. Unhappy people don’t like happiness around them. And you are a very happy lady, are you not?”

“I like to think I am.”

“Good. I’m glad,” he sighed. “Your grandmother will do what she can to chip away at it. It’s like she feeds off misery.”

“I’ll do my best to fight her off. Don’t worry about me. Just take care of mom and Bronn until I get back.”

He nodded. “As long as Bronn is kept away from here, that’s all that matters.”

This did chip away at me, but I just smiled.

“I promise, should anything happen, I will send someone for you. I will not let you stay with her for long. You belong here, and Bronn would miss you horribly.”

I smiled. “I’ll bring myself home.”

“I will still send someone,” he grinned. “I have just the man in mind too.”

“I will have Veerle and Kirsa with me. They are my best friends and my my trusted companions. I think they will have no issues dragging me home if need be.”

“I’m your father,” he replied sternly. “I know what’s best. I have no faith in your grandmother, but I have faith in this one I have in mind.”

I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Okay fine. Send your man. He won’t be needed though. He will just slow me and my girls down.”

I left in the morning, bidding farewell to my family before I rode off into the cold morning mist.

“I’ve heard that Arda the First is a vicious ruler!” Kirsa giggled with excitement. “Is she prone to torture and dungeons?”

“What on earth are you on this morning?” Veerle fussed at her.

Kirsa’s jaw dropped open. “It’s just cool, don’t you think! Arda the First is legendary. She was never meant to be queen, but she managed to marry a king who was already betrothed and promised to another! She’s known as a master tactician and even an enchantress in some circles.”

“My father calls her other things,” I replied, cracking a smile from Veerle.

“She almost had your uncle, King Julian as well, but your father saw to him before she got much closer to her goal,” Kirsa clicked her tongue. “And you father is a whole other thing! Did you know he mined with the dwarves for five years?”

“Yes, yes, I am well aware of my fathers adventures.” I then furrowed my brow. “Five years? He said it was three?”

“Oh yes! From the time he was five, that’s where King Julian put him anyways,” Kirsa chortled.

Bronn was almost five, I thought to myself. Why would Julian do such a thing to such a little boy? It felt so ridiculous, I wouldn’t even do that to the child of my enemies.

“No wonder the king is well formed. He’s had jewels to look up to,” Veerle joked.

“I could work in a mine!” Kirsa exclaimed.

“How unfortunate you work for me,” I replied. “So while we are with my grandmother, I suggest the both of you do research. See how their weapons fair and what materials they use. It would be nice to expand our armory if possible.”

“I’ve heard that Arda the First has an Illithid on her staff!” This started Kirsa on a long winded story that carried us almost to the gates of my grandmother’s palace.

I was taken from the gates by a silent young man who handed me a letter from my grandmother explaining to go with him. I followed him through the palace, which was much bigger than my home. Everything felt ast and endless and strikingly empty.

I was led into a large chamber where the fireplace was massive and covered by a huge grate. A large dog stood up from beside a chair and started growling.

“Down boy,” my grandmother murmured.

The silent young man bowed, leaving the room and closing the doors behind him. I stood there, waiting for grandmother to say something else, but she never spoke back up.

“It’s me,” I replied.

“I know who it is.” She rose from her chair, walking around it then staring at me. “It’s been a long time, Leopoldine. I haven’t seen you since you were very little.”

I really wasn’t sure what to do. “You’ve not changed much from what I remember. You're still the same as the picture in my mind.”

She walked towards me, only the click of her heels making any noise. I held my breath, afraid that would be too loud for her.

She approached, a stoney look upon her face that melted into a smile that made her look exactly like my mother. “It is so good to see you!” She took my hands in her own and squeezed. “Look how tall you are. I can’t believe it! Everyone on this side of the family are such runty creatures,” she laughed jovially. “Come, come. Let’s get you close to the fire so I can see you better.”

I was stunned by how nice she appeared. All my life I assumed she was an ice queen, bitter, and unhappy up in her tower. At least, from what my parents had told me about her, that's what I had gathered.

Arda the First had me stand before the fire, her big dog had it’s head raised but then it dropped back down to the stone floor. She looked at me with a smile then sighed.

“I am glad to see you, Leopoldine.”

I wasn’t prepared for this. “It has been a while,” I tried to laugh my nerves up.

She had me sit down and then she tapped her dog’s head. It got up and walked out of the door. “He’ll go to the kitchen and they’ll know to send up tea.”

“That’s a nice trick,” I replied.

“It’s easier to keep my dogs around rather than someone to follow me about all day. I prefer the company of animals at my age anyways. Do you keep any pets?”

“Uhm-” I was still baffled. “Bronn has his cats, a few tend to follow me around. I mainly keep horses.”

Arda the First nodded and smiled. “Are they for show? Do you ride?”

“They’re for riding,” I replied uncertainty. “Father allowed me to start training my own knights, and we’ve been training and breeding horses for a while now.”

She sighed. “I never liked the way Falko was raising you. It’s far too dangerous. And when you become queen, what really can you do with all that training? Do you plan to go into battle?”

I shrugged. “If I have to.”

She shook her head. “You look strong enough, I suppose. Do you even enjoy it?”

I nodded. “Very much so. I like weapons and training. And I’ve really enjoyed training my knights. My two best knights are with me on this trip; Veerle and Kirsa.”

“That’s all you brought with you?” She gasped in alarm. “What if you had been attacked or-” She stopped, freezing for a moment before she laughed. “Oh, of course! You’re quite prepared for such a thing. I’m so used to the ladies in our family being so much more vulnerable and delicate. I suppose it's a comfort knowing you can protect yourself.”

“Not just me. If I have to, I’ll protect as many people as I can.”

She smiled brightly, then turned as the tea cart was rolled into the room. She stood and took it, shooing away the staff member before bringing the cart towards the fire. She elegantly poured the tea into cups then offered one to me.

“I have a lot of plans for you while you are here, Leopoldine,” she said with a smile. “I want to make up for lost time, and celebrate what a stunning woman you’ve become.” She remained standing while she drank her tea.

“That will be nice,” I murmured. “But, I don’t want to stay away too long. They count on me back home.” I took a sip of tea, which I didn’t really like, while she watched me.

Arda the First tilted her head to the side. “I know they must rely on you dearly. Especially while your brother is so young.” She set her tea cup down and it sounded empty. “Especially when your father is off doing all his…wild ideas,” she chuckled.

“Uhm-” I felt a little dizzy. “He’s very active with Bronn, actually.”

Arda the first sighed. “That’s good to hear. He should be very involved with his son’s upbringing.” The way she said that made me a little anxious.

I rubbed my hand against my chest and cleared my throat. “Sorry, I must be tired from the journey.”

She took my teacup from me and then helped me to stand up. She placed me in front of the fire and looked up at me with a strangely blank expression.

“I think I need to stay seated,” I murmured.

Arda the First put her hand upon my cheek. She scowled, fingering a scar that was on my jaw. “You are beautiful, such a shame your father put you through such rigors.” She slid her hand down my arm, squeezing around my bicep. “I cannot believe my daughter allowed this to happen to you.”

I stood still as she prodded me, but I wasn’t going to let her get to me. I was expecting all of this. “Well-”

“Still, I would rather you look this way than sickly and scrawny. At least I can see those parents of yours have kept you healthy.”

I wobbled a bit and her hand clamped down tighter in mine.

A smile appeared, soft and cautious. She touched my face again. “You do look like him though.”

I was still taken aback by her words that I had even begun to process her sweet smile. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out.

Her fingers gently brushed under my lower lashes. “You have his eyes. They are almost exact. I never thought I’d gaze into them again.”

I floundered to speak, but I managed to croak out a reply. “Whose eyes?”

Her smile changed, but only slightly. “Why, your father’s eyes.”

I had dark brown eyes. My father had bright blue eyes. “What?” I said, still mired in the earlier confusion.

She cupped her hands around my face, holding me there. I felt small. Her grasp made me feel withered and tiny in her presence. I wanted her to let go, but there was no fight inside me. I was locked in her hands, held by her gaze.

Arda the First tilted her to the side, sly smile still on her lips. “Your father had striking brown eyes like these. They could send a man to his grave with just the right stare.”

“I uh-” I tried shaking my head, but that somehow made me feel worse. “I really need to rest a moment. This fire is…it’s really, really hot.”

“Oh,” she murmurs. “Not the man you call father. No. Your real father.”

An icy coldness twisted in my gut, as if steel had been slid down between my ribs and through my stomach.

“I can see Julian as clear as day upon your face.” Arda the First had tears in her eyes. “They could not take that away from you.”

I finally managed to pull away from her grasp. “What are you talking about?”

Arda the First sighed. “I was never supposed to tell you. I was threatened by that beastly Falko. He said it was best you never knew. He thought the truth would hurt you. But seeing you, I know what’s right for you, and I can’t let him and my daughter go on lying to you.”

My sides were aching and the coldness in my belly had turned to nausea. “What?” I could barely breathe as I spoke.

She placed her palm upon my cheek again. “Your father, your real father, is the man Falko killed. He took you and his bride as his own,lying to you all the while. He’s afraid of you, just like he was Julian.”

“Julian-” I choked and had to gasp for breath. “Julian is my father…that can’t be.”

She raised our hands, squeezing mine in a vice. “I have so much to tell you, Leopoldine. Much of your life has been kept hidden from you. And I will stand by it. That’s why your parents kept me at arms length. They were afraid of you, not me.”

I woke up in a cold room, my vision blurred around the edges. I must have fallen asleep while talking to Arda the First. My head was still swimming, that it took me a moment to reach the shore of my memories. I was not the daughter of Falko, I was the daughter of Julian.

I sat up, taking a deep breath and feeling much better with cold air in my lungs. I stood up from the bed and hobbled over the the window. Opening it, I saw there were storm clouds over the path home, and light rain had already begun falling here.

I felt so painfully angry that I didn’t know what to do with it. I got dressed and went down to the stables, finding my horse and retrieving my sword.

“Leo, there you are!” Kirsa squealed. “You won’t believe the types of arrows they shoot here!”

“Not now!” I roared at her. I stormed away with my sword clutched tight in my hand.

“Leo?” Kirsa followed behind me.

I went into the mud of the courtyard, and the first crate I saw I began bashing it over and over again with my sword.

“Leo!” Kirsa sounded unlike herself. “Leo, what’s wrong with you?”

I kept swinging the sword, over and over again. Someone near me was screaming at the top of their lungs.

“Leo, stop it!” Kirsa touched me, and I swung back. I hit her, knocking her over down into the ground. She held a stunned look upon her face.

Veerle was standing at the edges of the stables, a mortified look painting her usually stern expression. She looked at Kirsa then up at me.

I exhaled and shook my head at her. The screaming had stopped, and I thought that maybe it was inside my head.

Kirsa stood up and sniffled. She wiped her face then walked away and into the stables by herself.

Veerle approached me and tried to take my sword from my hand. I fought her at first, struggling to keep it in my grip. Then I simply let go and she yanked it from me. She then slapped me with her free hand, and the blur at the edges of my vision started to dissipate.

“What has come over you? We haven’t seen you in two days!” She roared at me.

I stretched my jaw and rubbed it. “I don’t know.”

Veerle rolled her eyes. “They won’t let us see you. We’ve been worried.”

I shook my head.

“Not good enough, Leo. Answer me.”

I closed my eyes and held my hand over my mouth. “She told me-” I gulped go a breath. “She told me that Falko isn’t my father.”

Veerle’s stare narrowed. “Then what the fuck is he?”

“My uncle,” I murmured. I opened my eyes and turned to face her. “Julian is my real father.”

Her harsh gaze softened, and her tail twitched behind her. Kirsa appeared back in the doorway, watching us from a distance.

Veerle rolled her eyes and clicked her tongue. “And you trust her with that sort of information?”

“She made sense,” I murmured. “She-” I wiped rain away from my eyes. “She told me everything.”

“Which was?”

“Is she crazy?” Kirsa yelled from the door.

Veerle turned and gave her a look. “Seriously?”

I sniffled and tears started to flow. “Veerle it’s true!”

She put her arm around me and forced me back inside, sitting me down in the stable where she and Kirsa stood over me.

“Start from the beginning,” Kirsa urged.

I took a deep breath and held it until it hurt, exhaling until I felt empty. “Julian was sixteen when he took the throne,” I started.

“Duh!” Kirsa interrupted.

“Well, yeah, but he never married. Not until he met my mother. He came to her sixteenth birthday, intending to meet with Arda the First. Instead, he only had eyes for my mom.”

“Oh, so your half creepy guy,” Kirsa interjected again.

Veerle hissed at her. “Keep going.”

“He married my mother rather than Arda the First. But that’s when my mom and my dad…Falko met. At the wedding banquet. They said they met at a party, but they never said what sort of party.” I cupped my hands around the sides of my head. “They kept spending time together, and Julian realized what Falko was up to. So he sent Falko away, but he returned shortly after I was born.”

Kirsa was counting on her fingers. “He could still be your dad though depending on how long-”

“Two years,” I murmured.

“Never mind.”

I closed my eyes as more tears fell. “My dad was always telling me stories about how cruel and vicious Julian became. What if he was warning me? What if he was telling me that if I ever showed the same signs as him, that he would kill me?”

“Falko wouldn’t do that to you!” Veerle snapped.

Kirsa nodded. “Besides, if you did turn evil I would kill you first!”

“Hush,” Veerle hissed.

“I’m so confused. I feel like everything my father…that Falko ever told me was a lie or a warning. Has he been training me all this time so that he doesn’t feel responsible? If I do lose it and he’s there…then he’ll know how to kill me. Is he…is he going to train Bronn to kill me?”

“Stop that!” Veerle barked.

“Was Julian even mad to begin with? What if my father told all those lies to me to excuse why he killed him?”

Both Kirsa and Veerle went quiet.

“All accounts of his reign are nowhere to be found,” I sniffled. “He could have been a good king and my fath- Falko could be the crazy one.”

Veerle averted her gaze and remained silent.

“Could you confront him?” Kirsa spoke with a soft voice.

“I still don’t think you should trust Arda the First,” Veerle muttered.

I lifted my head and brushed away the tears from my face. “I don’t know who at all to trust right now.”

Kirsa looked up behind me then pointed. “What about that guy?”

I turned and saw the shadow man standing in the dark corner of the stable. I jumped up my feet in alarm, panic and terror flowing through me. This answered it. This affirmed my father knew my grandmother would talk. The shadow man was his man all this time!

Veerle pulled me back. “What are you doing here?”

“I came for the princess,” the shadow man rasped.

Veerle must have had the same thought I did. She went forward, holding up my sword towards him. “Get out of here, or you’ll be put into a shallow ditch.”

The shadow man chuckled. “I was instructed to keep an eye on the princess. I just wanted her to know that I will be around.”

“That’s fucking creepy,” Kirsa scoffed.

“King Falko sends his regards,” the shadow man directed at me. “He said you won’t be alone.” He charged Veerle, catching her off guard and snatching away my sword from her. She sank her claws into his arm while he held the blade to her throat. She released and he removed the blade.

“This isn’t safe for you, princess,” the shadow man murmured. “Until you return home, you’re in a death trap.”

My stomach sank into my knees. “What does that mean?”

His head turned at a sound and he vanished from the stables as voices came from behind. Kirsa pulled me out, taking me away as Veerle regained herself.

“I can’t believe this,” Kirsa whispered.

“I know,” I huffed.

“Your father couldn’t have really sent him!” Veerle snapped. “It’s too much of a coincidence.”

I frowned. “Is it? Right before I left he said he would send someone for me. Why? I have you two. Why would he need to send someone unless he knew Arda the First was going to do this? And the shadow man…the only person I can’t seem to get the upper hand with.”

“It’s weird for sure,” Kirsa replied. “Sexy, but weird.”

“Sexy?” Veerle snipped.

“I don’t know what to do,” I heaved. “What am I supposed to do?”

Kirsa snapped her fingers. “Seduce him.”

“Oh my god, Kirsa, no!”

I rubbed my hands down my face. “My head feels like it’s dipped in cream. Everything’s gunked up,” I growled.

“What have you been doing since we last saw you?” Veerle asked. “Did you get sick?”

“I felt tired when I started talking to Arda the First,” I huffed. “Maybe I was coming down with something. I woke up in my room a while ago.”

“Maybe we should think about leaving,” Veerle murmured. “All sides could be true.”

“What do you mean?” Kirsa asked. “How can everyone be right?”

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