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#but then also i dislike the struggles so very much and i'm so upset about so many of the things in them
myriadblvck · 2 months
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Hello :)
Thinking about ghoap streamer AU where the reason Simon started watching Soap to begin with is because he was alone on leave in his quiet, empty flat like always but he grew up in a household where silence was frightening. Where silence meant that his father was sleeping off a hangover on the couch and everyone tiptoed around the house for fear of waking him and incurring his wrath. Where silence was walking on eggshells because his mother was in one of her bad moods as she sported a new black eye and a migraine and the children tried to be quiet as mouses so they didn't upset her. So Simon, alone and going mad from the quiet, desperate for a voice to fill the air, for something to remind him of Tommy's constant badgering of "watcha doin?" Or Gaz's laughter or Price muttering to himself as he reads paperwork, turns on twitch and hits the first stream he sees on the front page and the lilting scottish accent is as far as it gets from the heavy, menacing quiet he feared as a child.
Okay I'm done, sorry for ranting at you but you gave me ✨️thoughts✨️
YEAH!!!
Thats essentially how he finds Soap. He wanted something soft and quiet. He filtered for art, because he likes the noise of drawing, and clicked on the first person who popped up. It was Soap, of course, and Soap was fairly soft spoken (because it was late and he lives with his sister) and there were only maybe 100 people in the stream (because he was just starting out) and Ghost watched him and listened to him ramble on about art, answered questions people asked. He followed, and fell asleep halfway through the stream.
Soap has a community discord, that Ghost joins because he wants to know his streaming schedule. Ghost sort of starts to make his sleep schedule revolve around Soap’s streaming schedule. After a few weeks of watching, he actually goes out of his way to send Soap a message, which is how they started talking.
Ghost had sent something like, “Hey, I know this is probably really creepy, but I’m active military and sleep is hard to come by when I’m off-base. I found your streams one night when I was struggling to sleep and basically passed out because your voice is so soothing to me. It also helps with the silence since I live alone and I’m used to loud military bases. I think your art and the content you make is really cool. I thought it would be nice for you to know that you’re definitely making somebody’s day better.”
and Soap responds with, “:o no not creepy at all that’s such a nice message <3 i’m glad that you enjoy the streams and that they help fill the silence/help you sleep. i have a cousin who’s active military and it’s always pretty hard for him to adjust back to ‘civvie life’ as he calls it lmao. :p ty for your service 🫡”
and then during a stream that Ghost is watching while cleaning his gear Soap is actively struggling to find a good reference photo for the gun Ghost just happens to be cleaning. Ghost, of course, is like “Hey, I have that, want a pic?”
Soap is very thankful and Ghost is actually really good at photographs so Soap gets some good reference photos. Then Soap works on a comic involving military characters, so he asks Ghost for help with that. Then Ghost dips his toes in forming an actual relationship with Soap. Then they become friends. Then they become good friends. Then they become kind of online dating but not really and they both don’t know how to handle it.
and then later on when they actually start dating and talk everything out, soap starts making unlisted youtube videos for Ghost because Ghost offhandedly mentions that he dislikes how much he feels like he misses when he isn’t home. And Ghost gets to watch them when he has free time and Soap’s busy. It also gives him something to watch on plane rides (because of course he pays just to watch stuff offline) and he always gets to fall asleep to soap’s voice.
And then ofc the stream freaks out when Soap offhandedly mentions his bf is military, because the entire stream knows about his loyal viewer turned bestie ghost. and stream also freaks out when Soap moves and a man walks into the room very quietly and leaves food on the table and Soap says, “Thanks, baby,” before going back to talking about animation and they hear a, “Yeah, don’t overwork your wrist again, love,” and it’s DEFINITELY Ghost and Soap just kind of does a little cheeky look before ignoeing all the questions the Mods don’t catch.
BUT YES PLS RAMBLE ABOUT MY AU TO ME
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am I the asshole for being kinda mean.
I know the title sounds kinda bad off the bat but I don't really have another way of describing it.
I (19NB) struggle a lot with mental health issues. I won't go in detail, but I have autism and bpd. I grew up in a culture that does NOT like discussing these things, and my parents don't believe that my mental health issues are real. Because of this I've developed kind of a complex about talking about my mental health, I know it's unhealthy but I don't actually repress it, it's just a case of I don't like to tell friends (online or in person) anything about my mh at all until I'm sure I can trust them. I also really dislike "therapy speak", mainly bc I've had it weaponised against me in the past, though I recognise it is sometimes an important tool. Another final bit of context is that I did not use any social media at all up until 2022 after having not used socials since I was around 12, due to mh reasons.
I joined a fandom space I'd been casually lurking in since 2019 as an attempt to break into creating art in 2022. At first, everything was smooth sailing. I made a close knit group of friends fast, and everything was all good. Then, out of the blue one day, a friend of mine posted something that was quite triggering to me. It could've played as a joke but also used dark humor I found triggering. Now, one issue I have is that when I get triggered, rather than getting upset or panicky, I usually first get angry, then later deal with those symptoms. I snapped at this friend, then apologised and left the server, saying I didn't want to risk saying anything stupid.
I was dmed by multiple friends of mine telling me I had been horrible to them and made them cry . I don't think I said anything horrible. I think my words were close to "Hey, that's a fucked up thing to laugh at, and actually very fucking triggering for some of us lol" Passive aggressive and a bit mean? Sure. But I apologised almost immediately and I didn't think it was anything to cry over. One friend dmed me to tell me that "humor was their coping mechanism" and I "disrespected their coping mechanism". I attempted to explain that their joke had been triggering to me and that's why I reacted the way I did . Around 5 people dmed me at once while I was in a vulnerable state to tell me that I was being horrible and they couldn't believe I was so mean. I tried to distract myself, but people were getting mad at me for going offline, and it upset me so much.
One of my friends, A, who is from my country texted me to defend me, saying everyone who is mad are just Americans and I agreed bc I felt that way. They seemed like they were only taking into account this person's feelings because they were openly crying and like. Not playing victim but being more vulnerable than I was? This person talked about their mental health often and people would comfort them, but as soon as I was triggered and lashed out it was my fault for being horrible? I ended up apologising, since I really did feel bad for snapping at them, I really just didn't think it was that big of a deal. Some of those people never spoke to me again and I never rejoined the discord. A and I made our own discord later that some of the people who still talked to me joined and we are still friends.
What are these acronyms?
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treason-and-plot · 17 days
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OC Evolution Tag:
Choose an OC and show the progress of the earliest to latest version of them.
I was tagged by @drawing-way-outside-the-lines, thank you very much!💖 I chose Roy for this tag. (I could write a novel about Roy's character evolution, but I don't think this tag was created for that purpose! All the same, I hope I can be forgiven if I go off on a few tangents.) Below is a screenshot from one of Roy's first appearances in my story, in June 2013.
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Roy was introduced as Joël's best friend whom he had known from kindergarten, and was only ever meant as a secondary character, shamelessly dropped into the story to be Joël's sounding board and to help chart Joël's romantic challenges. But Roy was never going to be content with having a minor role! The first time it became apparent to me that he was girding his loins for a much bigger share of the limelight was the night he had one too many Pink Cougars at The Grind, and decided to strip down to his undies and dance on the tabletops.
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It was also the same night he first met Anita:
After that, Roy more or less shared equal billing with Joël. He and Sonia's wedding was one of the highlights of Five Years Earlier, and still remains the most fabulous and immersive fun I have ever experienced since starting my Simblr.
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As far as Roy's physical evolution goes, he was becoming noticeably more buff by January 2014, because he was working out 4 or 5 times a week to take his mind off he and Sonia's infertility woes. He also got a new skin, Ephemera's Fresh, that everyone was raving about at the time:
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I loved how it made his body look, but I disliked the weird, waxy colouring it gave to his facial features:
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The skin only lasted a few months before I went back to my previous default, Joedy’s Nephilim, which is still my default today.
(Roy and Sonia's infertility struggles also allowed Roy to show his vulnerable side, and hopefully added some depth and richness to his character. Up until then I had never written any chapters from Roy's POV, and I remember being very nervous about stepping into his shoes for the first time, because his personality type was so far removed from anyone I knew in real life! But it became so much easier once I could feel empathy towards him. It is upsetting for any male to be told he has a low sperm count, but for a self-described alpha-male like Roy it must have been devastating. But I think it also made him a lot more human and relateable.)
Okay, that's enough with the tangents! Here is what Roy looks like today:
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His hair has never, ever changed, and his face hasn't been tweaked either apart from his famous scar. He has no tattoos. (He has lost a wedding ring, though!) So yeah, it's probably fair to say most of his evolution has been spiritual, emotional and psychological.
I would like to tag @wolfavens @pixelddump @nectar-cellar @winterspixels and @hancyan. No pressure, feel free to ignore!
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critical-twenty · 1 year
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I'm kinda new to the cr fandom so i only know c1 stuff... could you write something with the prompt "is it okay to hug you?" from the part 2 list! Maybe something with the party having a s/o who struggles with touch and being vulnerable who has been having a very stressful day? Cries easily when they are frustrated or upset? 😢 If thats too much maybe just something with Vax or Percy cause i love them the most. 💖
sorry this is so late! it’s been sitting in my notes for ages, i’ve just been too busy to post it!
S/O who struggles with touch has a stressful day!
Vax
Vax never really has an issue with the lack of touch in your relationship
Sure, he likes to hold your hand, but it’s not the end of the world if you don’t want to
He’s able to fluster you with just his words anyway
But when you come home one day with tears in your eyes and tension in your back, Vax is unsure of what to do
His first instinct is to reach out to you. It’s what he does for Vex and the others, so why wouldn’t he?
He stops himself when he remembers how much you dislike being touched without express permission
Even when you start crying, Vax doesn’t want to make things worse, so he just stares at you as he tries to ask what’s wrong
You look up at him through tearful eyes and ask ‘Can I hug you?’
Vax is immediately scooping you into his arms, letting his warmth invade your senses and comfort you
He tentatively begins to rub a hand up and down your back, continuing when you don’t tell him to stop
He’s relieved, in all honesty. He’s relieved he can help you and he’s honored that you let him hug you in such a moment of need
When you finally calm down enough to talk, he draws away to give you some space
His fingers stay connected with yours though, as you won’t let him go
He smiles at this, before pressing a kiss to your head
‘I’m sorry you had such a hard day, sweetheart. I’ll be here as long as you need me to be’
And he is 🖤
Grog
It took Grog a while to understand your reluctance in touch
It wasn’t that he thought it was weird, he just couldn’t read the signals as to how uncomfortable you were with his physical affection and you didn’t want to say anything
Finally, though, you told him about how you weren’t the biggest fan of touching
He nods, but it doesn’t fully register
Still he tries his best to remember, but he forget sometimes
He apologizes when he forgets and you can’t really get mad at him when he’s so genuine
When you come back home from a really rough day, Grog can instantly tell that something is up
He’s not the smartest, but when it comes to your happiness, he’s learned to become more attentive
He also knows that you don’t always want to be touched when you’re like this
(Pike had reminded him enough that it stuck with him)
So he watches you until he really can’t stand the sight of it anymore
‘Can I hug you?’
You look up at him with tears ready to fall and nod
Grog gives the best comforting hugs. He’s gentle but firm and he won’t let go until you ask him to
He’s not perfect, but he’s trying
Percy
Percival Fredrickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III was never a man who thrived in touch
He rarely initiated physical contact with you and whenever he did, he asked for your permission first
It was like he already knew about your dislike for touch without you even telling him
(He definitely did. He’s observant enough to see your subtle emotions and tells)
You were perfectly content with a dynamic mostly built on quality time and acts of service, rather than physical affection
This wasn’t always the case though
You had had a particularly hard day at work. There was so much to do and you felt like not enough time to do it all
So, when you walked into Percy’s Tinker Room, he instantly noticed your tense demeanor
He is the king of stress himself, he knows the signs
However he doesn’t know what to do. He knows that he likes to be alone when stressed, but by seeking him out you seem to want to be around him
He contemplates in his head for a moment as you tell him about your day, waiting for you to finish before he stands up and comes over to you
‘May I hug you, darling?’
You immediately look at him, before barreling into his arms
He’s quick to wrap them around you, pressing a light kiss to the crown of your head as he tries to ground you
He’ll hold you as long as you want. He’ll even offer cuddles
Needless to say, he’s done working for the day. You need him and that’s 10x more important than anything else
Scanlan
It took Scanlan awhile to adapt to your feelings on touch
He’s a naturally extroverted person and he’s usually the first to initiate physical contact with anyone, so it’s an adjustment for him
However, once he finds out that it’s even more fun to fluster you with his shitty pick-up lines and love songs, the physical touch thing becomes easier
He slips up every once in a while, but he tries to make it up to you (he is a secret romantic underneath that… sexual persona)
You go find him, sitting with his lute, after an awful day
You were tired, and stressed, and part of you just wanted to go to sleep and wake up when this project you were working on was over
Scanlan knew the minute you walked over to him that something was up
Not wanting to be obvious in his effort to comfort you, and not wanting to touch you when you were clearly already tense, he decided to do what he does best: talk
He began to make small talk, talking about his songs and his day and whatever was going on with his friends
He thought it was working, until you said his name and looked up at him with tired eyes
‘Can I have a hug?’
He was stunned for a moment, obviously not expecting it, but he got over it quickly
He lightly wrapped himself around you, holding you close and just letting it be
It was rare that Scanlan was so silent but, for once, the only sound was breathing
It was a small moment, but it was more than enough for you
Keyleth
Keyleth was awkward at first
Not because she had a hard time without physical affection, but more because she didn’t know what to do in general
Romance was still foreign to her
Still, she read your body language with perfection
You didn’t even need to tell her that you didn’t like physical touch… she just knew
You were thankful for that
It had been a stressful day and you were really just looking forward to hanging out with Keyleth
Sitting in the forest and listening to her talk to the plants always calmed you down
But even as you sat there, the stress didn’t go away
Keyleth noticed immediately, of course
She’s not great at words but she is more than adept at movement
‘…Is it okay if I hug you?’
You looked up with wide eyes and Keyleth immediately backtracks
‘We don’t have to, of course! You just seemed a bit tense and I thought maybe a hug might help be we don’t have to do that if you don’t-‘
She’s cut off by your arms gently wrapping around her waist
She freezes for a moment, before embracing you
It’s warm and comforting and Keyleth suddenly understands why people like doing this so much
She’ll hold you as long as you need. After all, she’s enjoying herself just as much as you are
Vex
Vex’ahlia is the queen of subtle touches
She loved resting a hand on the shoulders of her friends, or bumping into them playfully as they walked
It took a bit of self-control to not do those things with you
It wasn’t hard, per say. It just required a bit more focus and awareness of her movements
But, Vex would do anything for you, so she learned (quickly, as expected)
It was after a fight, while everyone was setting up camp, that Vex noticed the look on your face
It was the same look she saw when you were stuck on a particular puzzle, or when everything seemed to be piling on your shoulders
‘My dear, are you alright?’
You shrug half heartedly
‘Would you like to accompany Trinket and I on a walk? I think it will be quite relaxing and the moon is especially gorgeous tonight.’
Vex waits for your reply when finally you look up
‘Vex, will you hold me?’
Vex doesn’t even falter
Sure, she’s surprised, but the urge to comfort you overrides everything else
She hold you as close as she can without it being uncomfortable, rubbing circles on your back and whispering sweet encouragements into your ear
When you part, she tells you to take your time joining the rest of the party, before turning around and giving hushed threats to anyone who dares make a comment
You hear them, but it’s endearing. It shows that she care.
Pike
Pike is a very affectionate person
Not in the same flirty way as Vax or Scanlan, nor in the subtle way as Vex
Pike was just a very loving woman. Physical affection (including hugs) were just commonplace to her
Which is why she was a little stunned when you told her that you weren’t too fond of physical touch
It was hard for her, at first, because she had to find new ways to express all the love that she had for you, but your comfort came before everything
She always asked before initiating anything and you were always so thankful for that
One day, you came back to find Pike kneeling in the garden, mumbling under her breath
You assumed she was praying (for what, you weren’t sure) but you really needed her
Today had been hell and Pike had always known how to make you feel better
Sitting behind her, you gently rested your head on her shoulder
She tensed, knowing it was you, but confused by the display of touch
Still, she didn’t saying anything
‘Pike…’
She knew with that one call of her name what you needed
‘Do you want me to hug you?’
A small nod was all it took for Pike to spin around and gather you in her arms
Her hugs were like sunshine embodied
You felt all your stress and tension slip away as she held you close
Maybe she was a God herself, with the way she made you feel so safe in her embrace
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venusin-aries · 6 months
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Anti’s coming into the Gwyneth Berdara tag and accusing Gwynriel’s of the mischaracterization of Gwyn or only liking Gwyn because of Gwynriel is fucking LAUGHABLE. 
All I've seen are posts singing praises about Gwyn (just Gwyn!) and I have NOT ONCE seen a Gwynriel shipper characterize Gwyn wrongly.
What are we mischaracterizing her for? 
Being brave as fuck for choosing to train to be a Valkyrie? Nesta’s admiration and fondness of her? For saying she’s resilient for being able to enjoy herself and laugh with her friends after experiencing some fucked up shit? THAT SHE'S LIKABLE?? Being strategic and patient FOR DAYS and spying on the Illaryian males before sending the beasts after them ruthlessly? Being smart and witty? Her interests in sex and smut and stating she doesn’t want to be coddled? Her willingness to sacrifice herself on the bridge? Her determination to finish the blood rite even though she was injured as fuck? Her unwavering loyalty toward Nesta and Emerie? That Nesta thinks her beauty is comparable to Mor and Merrill?
The fact that she’s not judgemental and she immediately accepted Nesta when they were sharing their stories? Her own struggle with guilt and self hate? Her immediately witnessing what Azriel is capable of when they first met? Azriel’s shadows reacting POSITIVELY towards her and yeah, the thought of her joy glowing in his chest? That she teases him and challenges him? That she hasn't seen him torture someone yet but she's seen worse shit soooo why would she be fazed??
She's canonly more suitable for Azriel than anybody else in the series and THAT'S why people dislike her as a character even though on her own she's a great character.
Those are only SOME of her positives we got in ONE book. Notice, some of those positives include Azriel, but most don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️. 
Allllllll of those points have textual evidence to support them. And these are allllllll the points Gwynriel shippers love to make about her. 
The only charactization of her anti’s will accept is if she goes back to the library, stays there and is never seen or heard of in canon again. Or if she’s evil which she’s likely not going to be. Stop being so petty. If anything SJM has her set up for a HEALING journey. 
However some people obviously like to see a female character STAY broken and let her trauma define her.
Getting mad when she's so obviously such a fun character? She has fun and laughs and teases her friends and Cassian and Azriel and enjoys herself but there's something wrong with that and you think its annoying????
Fanon Gwyn and Canon Gwyn are basically the same. If you don’t like fanon Gwyn, you probably don’t like canon Gwyn and that’s fine, whatever, I think you have totally shit taste but whatever just STAY OUT OF THE GWYNETH BERDARA TAG.
I see the shit ya'll tag and then delete.
I’m a Gwyn stan first and foremost but I have not seen one single other Gwynriel shipper mischaracterize her. 
Fanon is fun until it melts your brain and you start believing ONLY fanon and wrongly remembering canon and then attacking others for using canon to support their points. 
It’s crazy to me that anti’s can dislike a fictional character so much that the idea of potentially seeing more of said character in the canon universe and getting more fandom love honestly upsets them.
Like holy shit, I don’t like E/riel, but I have enough tact not to take that out on either Elain OR Azriel. And I don’t go looking to start shit with shippers because I'm not pathetic. Too bad some people can’t extend that same class to Gwyn. 
Also, I feel like some people forget about this fucking scene. 
Gwyn studied Ramiel's craggy, unforgiving slope. Not much snow graced its sides. Like the wind had whipped it all away. Or the storms had avoided its peak entirely. “Is it living, though? To take the safe road?”
“You’re the one who's been living in a library for two years,” Emerie said.
Gwyn didn't flinch. “I have. And I am tired of it.” She surveyed the blood-soaked leather along her thigh. “I don't want to take the safe road.” She pointed to the mountain, to the slender path upward. “I want to take that road.” Her voice thickened. “I want to take the road that no one dares travel, and I want to travel it with you two. No matter what may befall us. Not as Illyrians, not for their titles, but as something new. To prove to them, to everyone, that something new and different might triumph over their rules and restrictions.”
A cold wind blew off Ramiel's sides. 
Whispering, murmuring.
“They call this climb the Breaking for a reason,”Emerie countered gravely.
Nesta added, “Wehaven't eaten in days. We're down to the last of our water. To climb that mountain-“
“I have been broken once before,” Gwyn said, her voice clear. “I survived it. And I will not be broken again- not even by this mountain.”
Look at me and tell me this is a character we’ll never hear from again. Go right a fucking head. 
You can't come into the Gwyneth Berdara tag claiming we mischaracterize her. We take her as is. No need to pick her apart or give her little unnecessary traits to fit her better with any one.
It's not possible to make her out to be something she's not when every little thing we love about her is canon.
You can be salty over us comparing Bryce/Hunt and Azriel/Gwyn but oh wait! SJM uses similar language to describe them ON PURPOSE in canon as fucking well!!!
On purpose.
In fucking canon.
But we’re reaching.
Do not come into the Gwyneth Berdara tag and say Gwynriel’s make it hard to like her but oh, you do like her you do! And then go on to say she’s nothing more special than a Valkyrie or Nesta’s friend. Yeah, I fucking saw that shit.
People are weirdly jealous over a ship/inspiring character a lot of people relate to.
Gwyn is not stealing Azriel from any one because there’s NO ONE to steal him from.
These character's are fake but the hate and vitriol ya'll are spewing at people who like her are very real.
Just stay out of the Gwyneth Berdara tag if you don't like her.
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least-carpet · 8 months
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For the shipping ask game, Xicheng and Chengxian?
Hello, anon! This got wildly out of hand, so it's all going under a cut.
Xicheng: Could Ship It
Borrowing this additional option I saw floating around!
I'm not strongly opposed to it, but it's hard for me to see them making it work in a canon universe. The fanart is very cute, though! And I've read some AUs that I thought made a good case, but they involved some thoughtful interventions.
What potential do you see in the ship?
Honestly, like, I just want them to both have something nice, they've had such a hard time. They both understand the hard work and sacrifices involved in sect leadership. I think the argument for it goes something like Jiang Cheng gets a person on his side who is kind to him, and Lan Xichen gets someone who's very reliable and also pretty direct, to heal his presumed post-canon trust issues.
What aspect makes you hesitant?
It just doesn't seem to me that they really enjoy each other? Like I believe they get along just fine and have a comfortable working relationship. I don't think they dislike each other, even. But they don't seem particularly close, even though they're of a rank and have been working with each other for years and years. I want my blorbo (Jiang Cheng) to be loved for his bad personality, not in spite of it!
I also think they would really struggle to communicate—Lan Xichen prefers to smooth things over, but Jiang Cheng reads too much reserve or politeness as rejection and, uh, gets reactive (thank you Jiang Fengmian for giving him the MOST deranged daddy issues, for real). Actually, I think Lan Xichen has a lot of potential to push a lot of Jiang Cheng's dad-related buttons just because of his temperament. (Maybe that's a plus? CRUNCHY.)
It also has the potential to cause some new and exciting political problems for them, which they both prefer to avoid.
Chengxian: Ship It
[lies face-down on the floor and starts hollering]
These two make me fuckin' insane!
What made you ship it?
Two things:
Their mutually happy childhood relationship, their initially compatible dysfunctions (Jiang Cheng is easily embarrassed but secretly wants affection, Wei Wuxian is bad at boundaries and WILL die if you don't pay attention to him -> Wei Wuxian touching Jiang Cheng all the time and receiving his attention, making both of them happy). Their enjoyment of each other. I love a badly-boundaried and devoted teenage relationship, it's delightful. Even before chengxian completely rotted my brain out, there was something specifically appealing about the Lan summer camp era.
The double golden core reveal took me out. I found Wei Wuxian's decision completely appalling to begin with, like viscerally disgusting. (I find it interesting when antis accuse Jiang Cheng of pretending to be upset when he finds out, or of not caring where the new core came from, because I, reader who did not get nonconsensual magic surgery, profoundly Did Not Like It. If it was my own body, I would freak out.) It's a fascinating combination of obsessive devotion and total denial of agency. Wei Wuxian is just like, "Don't worry, I will invent new and unheard of methods of violation for your own good because I can't cope with your despair." That's deranged, my dude. That is Not Normal. And then you find out that Jiang Cheng lost the core saving Wei Wuxian, and he plans to NEVER TELL HIM ABOUT IT. God damn it.
I don't even really care if they kiss, although it's fun when they do. Just reconcile! Reconcile!
What are your favourite things about the ship?
In no particular order:
In a text that is largely pro-Wei Wuxian—not in the sense that everything he does is moral, but in the sense that he's the cool protagonist, and he gets to kick ass and solve mysteries and have a happy ending—this relationship is one that highlights his weaknesses and failures in a very humanizing way. And in order to reconcile, he would actually really have to challenge himself and grow as a person, which I love for him. (I also think Jiang Cheng would have to struggle for it, but, like, dude has demonstrated the capacity to do hard and terrible things even when confronted with his own weaknesses. He's not gonna be cool about it, and he's going to cry and bitch the whole time, but if he thinks it needs to be done and it can be done, he'll do it.)
The lack of boundaries within the relationship, which is a product of the lack of clarity of the type of relation to each other. Are they friends? Are they martial brothers or real brothers? If Wei Wuxian is Jiang Cheng's shixiong, but Jiang Cheng is also Wei Wuxian's sect leader, which takes precedence? (It's clear what should take precedence, but Wei Wuxian just straight-up does not Respect His Authority, even though—by all available evidence—Jiang Cheng is a really good leader. But that lack of respect is also a form of intimacy.) It's super, super messy.
Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?
By lying to him so extensively, and then by failing to show up for any of his commitments without any explanation, Wei Wuxian really did betray Jiang Cheng a whole bunch of times, and Jiang Cheng's resulting betrayal trauma really is his fault.
You break it, you bought it, coward! Stop running away! (For legal purposes, this is a joke.)
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fannyyann · 15 days
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Hey, hope you're doing okay. I hope you don't mind me asking, but I am rather new to the mattdrai fandom and I couldn't help but wonder:
Was Matthew really as bad as a lot of fic lead to believe in his earlier hockey years in Calgary? And was he really disliked in the room - where there rumours like that? So many fics build on this premise, and seeing him now in Florida and hearing all the nice things his teammates say about him and seeing the things he does himself and the insane good hockey he plays... it's hard to believe.
It's so strange also that it's so rarely mentioned that Leon was the one to be sent down to the minors, not Matthew.
Plus what I don't get: matthew is a lot hotter than Leon? why is it always told like Leon is the hottest dude on earth while Matthew is nothing? comparing early pics and pics from now... it's just not true? Leon looks good, a bit bland IMO, but Matthew is and was just hot in a very unique and special way. maybe because he isn't that bland generic good looking Leon is? But good looking in a special way? so that got a lot longer than I thought it would, hope you don't mind the ask.
i don't mind you asking at all! this is basically my roman empire so MY apologies if this gets unwieldy but i have FEELINGS about matthew's early fic portrayal lmao
in his six years on the flames, matthew was always one of the top five scorers.
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his rookie year, he was sixth in rookie scoring
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the season he was picked for his first ASG, the flames were 16th in the league at the time all star rosters were announced and matthew was their top scorer.
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so it's not like he was the best player from a bottom of the league team or going because he was the home town boy, he was a playoff team's best player (both at the asg break and when the season was eventually suspended because of covid).
and even in his career worst year (2020-2022), he ended the year as their third best scorer and only six points behind johnny (the leader). and as one of calgary's beat reporters said in his end of the year review, Matthew was "good, but not quite as good as the Flames needed him to be."
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so i've never really understood why people were portraying him like that either and still haven't figure out if most of it was unreliable narrator kind of stuff or if some authors actually thought he was bad before he had his breakout season, but it doesn't reflect reality.
as for him being disliked in calgary, that all stems from jake muzzin flipping the puck at him, and the subsequent players only meeting that took place after it, in which matthew allegedly told the team he was upset they didn't join him in the scrum after and he was then told him it can't be a riot every night.
before that there were never any rumors that i'm aware of that he was unliked in the room, and in 2019 gio, who most people tend to think is the one who told matthew to tone it down, said this about another players only meeting:
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so while the 2021 players only meeting was a story because matthew wasn't playing like his usual self afterward, i've never thought it was indicative of him not being liked by his teammates. and honestly, you have to take it all with a grain of salt anyway because while guys obviously bullshit the media, at the practice after the players only meeting guys talked about how there was a general lack of emotion, and how they came out there trying to have fun with each other and put it behind them, and in the postgame the next night, gio specifically sites getting into scrums and mixing it up when asked how much more emotion they played with in that win compared to earlier losses, so if mixing it up was good the very next night, the math doesn't quite add up, yk?
but johnny did confirm in his spittin chiclets appearance about two weeks after the muzzin incident that matthew was pissed after they left him out to dry that night, and when asked about matthew's struggles that season darryl sutter said matthew needed to, and would, get back to playing to his identity, so the whole cause and effect of the muzzin incident on matthew's play that season isn't completely unfounded, but i do think multiple guys saying the team needed to play with more emotion, johnny saying in the chiclets episode that the guys skating off didn't find out about the puck flip until they saw it on sportsnet and saying he felt bad about it, and the new coach coming in and getting matthew to play back to his style shows that it wasn't as personal as it was made out to be.
anyway, the flames may not have be as tight knit as the panthers are, but matthew had his people there. he's bffs with hanifin and his friendship with sam bennett is part of what drew him to florida. johnny always says great things about him, blake coleman called him the heartbeat of the team, and was such an important voice in the room that the flames suffered when he and gudbranson were no longer around to tell sutter to chill the fuck out when he was being too hard on guys in the room.
he probably wasn't close with every teammate, most people aren't friends with all their coworkers, but he wasn't some sort of loner in that locker room.
as for the looks, that's all down to personal preference. leon is definitely very conventionally attractive and while matthew has definitely glowed up in the last few seasons, he was by no means ugly. i wouldn't even say he's really unconventionally attractive either. he's got a good face and was a cute teen and people who are like "oh no i find matthew tkachuk attractive now" have literally never made sense to me. but again! personal preference and all that.
again, my apologies if you weren't looking for THIS MUCH of an answer to your question but this isn't even all the sources i pulled up when i first got this ask so i did TRY to keep it short lol
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you guys are so pathetic talking about Olivia “she’s painting Alicent as a conflicted character instead the bad stepmother, she’s projecting!” fucking losers and pathetic, hotd fans stop being the most insane fandom challenge 🤡 team black stans only talk about alicent this, alicent that, invent lies in twitter just to talk shit about Olivia, give it a break, she’s not responsible of the writing of the show and you guys make it seems like she personally wrote alicent like that, most of you forgot how the asoiaf behaved towards Sophie (mind you when she was just a kid) and Lena for playing Cersei. Actors are entitled to defend themselves when crazy stans attack them and look for personal excuses to “hate” and dislike them that goes beyond of “I don’t like your character” just awful but what can we expect with targ stans tbh you all got so fucking cry babies after the end of GoT
I don't think you realize that you're actually agreeing with one of my points about Olivia Cooke. I've literally already talked about how toxic fandoms go after the actors and actresses of disliked characters wrongfully twice. It's a symptom of how people struggle with separating reality from media.
Accusing me of ignoring that when I literally talked about it in my original post is ridiculous. It shows how you're not actually fucking reading what I'm saying, like all Alicent/TG stans who interact with me. What I said in my post is how I disagree with Olivia's interpretation of her character and how it seems like her fear of the earlier issue is impacting how she wants to portray Alicent.
I know she didn't write Alicent and that she didn't have any influence on that. Do you know why I know she has no control over that? Because she outright contradicts the writing choices Condal and Hess made and talk about. The most obvious one is how she said she "refused to play Alicent as a woman for Trump" when that's how she was written and Condal literally said that's how she is. I'm criticizing how she clearly doesn't like how her character is written but still tries to constantly defend her by refusing to acknowledge the parts she doesn't like.
You literally just word vomited into my inbox, you don't make an actual argument. You don't want me to criticize your fav or the actress who plays her, but you're not trying to defend the points I make. It's ridiculous and pathetic.
Also I've literally never seen people complaining about Alicent being "conflicted". Our issue is actually how Alicent was written by Condal and Hess to be inconsistent, hypocritical, and a constant victim despite being one of the most powerful people in the show. If you look on my page, literally all of my complaints about the writing are focused on the actual writers. You're arguing with your imagination, which probably explains why you're not making any actual points other than "how dare you criticize her 😡".
You know, you're coming across as the "crybaby" in this scenario, since you're just crying in my inbox and ignoring what I'm saying. You complaining about Dany and Targaryen stans being upset with GOT is very ironic, since Alicent stans are the one of the most sensitive group in this fandom (case in point).
Olivia Cooke is a person, she's fallible and it's totally fair and allowable to criticize her. You're right, she shouldn't be hated and harassed, but that doesn't mean she's perfect and above messing up. You just hate anything connected to Alicent being criticized and it very much shows. Stop projecting your obsession onto TB stans, it's annoying and just plain wrong, you'd know this if you actually looked at what people actually say instead of living in your delusional world.
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pidges-lost-robot · 4 months
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No one:...
Me: I have this idea on how to kind of improve the storyline of Pidge being picked on while adding a bit of a more complex type of relationship into the background of the plot cause she strikes me as a character that would fight back with viscious verbal responses. Basically one of the people that is mean to Pidge also has a parent on the kerberos mission (obviously with the result of there being more crew members) who dislikes her because she's sometimes a bit smug about doing so well on tests and it rubs this person the wrong way cause they're insecure about their struggling on tests and are mean to pidge as a result. But also pidge is the sort to really poke the bear when it comes to that, very much being quick to immediately zone in on this person's insecurity whenever they're mean to her andthis often results in things like being shoved or having her phone smashed.
No one still:....
Me: which ends up changing the conversation between pidge and her brother after a scene of this as a flashback where instead of being like "having brain is the best thing ever nerds will run the world" is actually the one to highlight the way pidge is quick to antagonise people especially by means of viewing her intelligence as making her better than them and suggesting that maybe there is another way to deal with this. Which is an example of bullying that can be underrepresented cause ultimately it is bad what this student is doing, but also shows the ways people can sometimes develop an unhealthy way to cope with it. We then see that Pidge, after really picking on this kid back and antagonising him about struggling to pass tests resulting in them getting angry and shoving her phone to ground and smashing, decides to apologise for what she said. The kid points out that they will never be friends and pidge says she knows, but that them being an asshole didn't justify her being an asshole in a different way.
No one:
Me: later when pidges brother and dad go missing in the mission she is left without much to focus on at school. Calls from the ship to families were prohibited from being stored or recorded. But one day from a random number she is sent some.pictures of a birthday of one of the crew members taken on a concealed phone. The bully's mums birthday. The bully when she asks about it in private denies sending her anything but it's clear that they did. They're still not friends but there's a begrudging respect there. And these pictures (I haven't thought of how cause I'm a hack) somehow lead to pidges theory that the garrison are covering something up
Still no one:
Me: now this goes further cause they find the bully's parent on their search for pidges family she's one of the only other crew members that survived but she unfortunately passes giving something yo pidge to give back to her kid if she makes it back to earth and when they eventually do, pidge decides to be the person to.give them the news about what really happened to their parent. She goes and they initially don't believe her but she gives them the message and the keepsake she gave her. They ask her why she bothered with how they were to her in school (it's been a few years since then obviously) and she reminds them of the photos they gave her that they sent her, tells them how it lead her to realise that garrison had been lying and thanked them for it and that it was only fair and right that she did this for them and how she's sorry about their mom. The bully tells her that this still doesn't make them friends and she nods. She leaves and Keith finds her on her way back, really upset and feeling like she should've done more and Keith assures her that there wasn't much more she couldve done. I just thought this could be a bit more interesting and true to her character than just getting called a nerd once and crying about it
No one: ..... what?
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oikasugayama · 2 months
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I love love love your latest alignment chart! It was really cute but I had some thoughts on it and wanted to share! Specifically regarding the last ‘alignment’, being annoyed by your shyness and wanting you to be more confident.
I can somewhat understand the last one, that it can be frustrating when someone is so crippled by their own anxiousness that you feel the need to do everything for them, but at the same time, I’m like: If you’re so turned off/upset by one of your partner’s most prominent traits, why even date them at that point, y’know?
I’m sorry but I don’t think that those last four relationships are gonna last very long, no matter how much love you have for someone, unless change comes fast, I doubt that sort of dynamic would work long term.
In Ranpo’s case, his inability to read social cues and understand his partner’s struggle combined with the fact that he’s very vocal and blunt about his opinions and feelings, would probably lead to a pretty messy breakup where Ranpo’s left feeling frustrated, hurt and confused and his partner feeling sad, stupid and overdramatic (I’d feel stupid too if one of the smartest people in the world was visibly and vocally annoyed by my struggle.)
Now, Kunikida is an odd case, because while he’s a very good person and would be sympathetic, he holds his ideals and his schedule in such high regard that if repeated interruptions happened and kept happening due to this one ‘issue’, I think that he would eventually come to think it would be better for both parties if they split up. It’d be a somber and quiet thing and both would feel pretty shitty afterwards, with Kunikida wondering if he made the right choice and the partner blaming and beating themself up for ruining their relationship.
Fukuchi, in my opinion, sucks in general and the way his line is phrased, I’m pretty sure that he’d eventually just get fed up with his partner’s personality and dump them without warning because he’s an asshole like that and unpleasant surprises are his whole thing.
Mushitarou would probably last the longest because given his personality, you’d first of all need to be intimate friends with him to start dating in the first place and now, because you’re spending so much more time together, he’s only just noticing how bad your anxiety is and now that you feel comfortable enough to blatantly cling onto him, he’s also only now developing a proper dislike for your shyness. It’s like the childhood best friends who become roommates in college, ‘we’ve known each other for years, it’ll all be good!’ but because this new level of closeness introduces another side of a person, there’s a chance you’ll find that you’re not vibing with it. He’d try to make it work and there’s definitely a chance that it might but a likely possibility that it won’t and would end up resulting in a pretty bad breakdown which would leave both parties devastated for both the loss of a relationship and a friendship.
Now, I never said that getting back together wasn’t possible, I think that for everyone (except Fukuchi :/) there’s a chance that they could work things out and get back together but not for a LONG while. Because learning takes time and healing takes even longer.
-Sincerely, 💋
Thank you for your analysis! We were thinking some very similar things-- I'm glad that what I was implying without saying was still coming through. There are absolutely some relationships on my previous alignment chart that would NOT last, including the four you mentioned and also a couple of others who infantalize the shy!reader too much. I didn't include it, in short, bc I didn't wanna be negative and it low-key upset me myself to ponder who would break up w me for being anxious :p
As much as I love Kunikida, there are certain details about his lifestyle that don't mix with someone who's incredibly shy/timid/anxious, etc. He can be sympathetic but after a certain point it conflicts with his idealism. He'd take it hard and consider it a fault of his own that he couldn't make the relationship work, but he also wants his partner to be with their ideal partner and he wants his ideal partner as well.
Ranpo works well in a friendship with shy people like Poe bc he can push someone out of their comfort zone by basking them in his own confidence and aloofness, but I think that he'd prefer his romantic partner "take care of him" to some extent at home and if they're too anxious to do things like run errands alone, take the train with him to show him how, etc. he would feel like his needs weren't being met. That's no one's fault, honestly. Sometimes you just gotta find the right fit.
When I think of Mushitaro I think of his late friend/partner and that awful conflict within him. He can't let himself feel guilty, but he does. He won't let himself feel remorseful, but he does. He can't show his emotions so unfortunately no one knows how much he cared about that person, but he cared so much and is so devastated by what he was asked to do and by the fact that he had no other choice. His friend needed to be released from his pain and by using Mushitaro's ability no one would get in trouble for his death, and his friend/partner wouldn't have to end it himself. I can't imagine the depths of pain Mushitaro feels and I also can't imagine him being in a relationship at all, regardless of the situation. He just can't handle the pain of losing someone again, and he isn't healed from the previous loss.
Fukuchi's was absolutely appalling and I hope no one stays in a relationship where your partner hates a large quality of your personality and constantly tells you that you need to change it!!! Don't put up with that!!! It's so incredibly harmful to your mental health. If your partner isn't trying to uplift and support you, please know that you deserve someone who does.
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minthe-lover · 1 year
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Chapter 233 Analysis
So don't worry I'm still alive. Life decided to just kick my ass and could actually get this done but doing it now!
So just to make this clear at the start, i don't inherently dislike stories of women using their sexuality to their advantage. Ie the sexy assassin type stories, I've said it before but I was a sex worker and that very much does effect the way I look at and analysis media.
Though stories like that often run a very thin line between just sexism and sexualization. I think the main way to tell the difference is the reason why the the person is using their sexuality is such a way. In lore olympus with hera.. it's a story about women using their sexuality as a form of power.. it's women being sexually abused to hopefully save themselves from more pain.
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Hera has no power in this situation, and it's not an empowering story because it's just about a women being forced to let herself be raped and lastly rs just doesn't give the time and energy to actually respect the sexual assault of hera. It shows terribly in this chapter.
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This episode starts.. alright. I don't fully mind hera being haunted by kronos, it's honestly sort of terrifying. The problem is that we aren't given enough time to actually sit and grow with this, Rs just can't spend the time she's given well enough to put it towards this event.
One of the first things we learn after the kronos fight is that he wants hera... it takes us another like 17 or so episodes to learn that kronos the main villain is fucking hunting hera. This is such a big and important event that just gets ignore and rushed in one chapter. We see her struggling with this, we even in like one panel how it is actively effecting her others relationships.. but we only get one panel. Like you can imagine a scene where hera gets uncharacteristically angry at echo and we aren't even a reason why till we get like a shot with kronos in a reflection with hera. There are ways this could've been set up and made it so much more impactful but then it's just ignored till it's needed.
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Also again rs just has so many great points to make interesting drama that she just ignores... like the whole missing ten years thing is barely brought up. Most people just continue as normal. This line is a fucking insult cause like.. besides one panel of them hugging WE HAVEN'T SEEN HERA WITH HER DAUGHTER. like holy shit all this time could have been spent so much better.
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Now I honestly don't think the child has been even mentioned since it was told to hera.. also having hera being the only one mentioning the child.. and when she is she's being literally raped... really makes persephone and hades look even worse. Also again.. this chapter didn't have a trigger warning.. and it really fucking should.
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now I don't fully dislike this plot point... like the idea of it.. same way I don't dislike the idea of persephone sexual assault. My problem with it isn't the fact that sexual assault happened.. it's how it's dealt with. We have this dramatic build up and while it's not explicitly stated it's pretty clear that hera was just fucking raped.
now instead of giving this really upsetting and serious plot point time to breath.. rs decides to immediately go to a cut away joke? about how haha persephone and hades are engaged and dumb drama with that. It's just such a tonal shock that just fundamentally doesn't work. Rs you literally couldn't done the exact same thing you did with persephone rape. Give a few quite panels of reflection and just... let a chapter go by without Perspehone and Hades.
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We barely even see heras own reaction to what happened to her.. the literal rape that just fucking happened is basically completely ignored for the rest of the chapter. We don't have a few panel of someone asking hera why she wasn't answering the phone. No one acknowledges what happened and instead it's time for dumb Hades and Persephone.
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This chapter, which is mainly about hera being sexually and emotionally abused... ends on the happy note where the main characters are going to get married. It's just... feels so disrespectful. Rs you could make this chapter like 80% better by just removing all the stuff with the marriage and instead just having a few panels of hera actually being effected by her rape.
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Now I've taked about how the whole rushing into marriage with Hades and Persephone is bad.. but it really shows the most in this chapter. A chapter that regardless if you are a fan or critic should objectively be focused solely on the rape of hera... instead is just made so much worse by adding this... It's been what.. an hour maybe two at most since hera was literally sexually assaulted and she's just completely fine and shows no effects of it.
Like it's so clear the bias towards hades and persephone that rs has.. literally every single story outside of theirs suffers because of them. Why are you making stories that and obviously more important then them getting married if you want the focus on them being married. Kronos should have just been fully defeated.. adding all this other shit just makes them look like terrible people and makes it clear that they don't actual care.
Despite season 3 not being finished yet... I'm pretty sure this is going to be by far the worse chapter.. just because rs decided that a rape should happen right before the main characters getting married.
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ravenousnightwind · 4 months
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Being autistic people have all kinds of ideas about what to expect from me. Not being able to do stuff to simply thinking I'm stupid. There are those that know me however that do see me as an equal with intelligence of high caliber. Yet, they also refuse to see the tendencies that are often accompanied with my condition.
I have a very specific way of doing things. Which means no loud noises, no loud music. People can get upset and wonder why, or argue about how unfair it is they have to give up their ability to listen freely. When I tell them it's because I might have some kind of emotional episode that could lead to irritation and potential violence, their response may be something akin to "you're not that autistic" and my response to it is "doesn't matter, the tendency is still there regardless and I struggle to maintain control at that point, which is something I dislike"
No response given then is taken as acceptable. Why though is it this way? Because overstimulation can lead to emotional outbursts. Which there's only so much of it I have control over. Especially now that I've already begun the process of "demasking". But because I'm very aware of my own tendencies, I can manage it pretty well and keep myself far away from that result because I can plan for things to happen.
At the end of the day, mitigation is key. I know I can never truly get rid of my own tendencies, but I can definitely lessen the impact or potentially prevent them from happening.
No longer do I fight against myself for control, I shape my environment with caring people, surround myself with things I like and love. I alter things as needed, and honestly, it's been one of the best ways I've been able to prevent any outbursts other than making sounds or crying loudly.
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bluegekk0 · 6 days
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Bit of a ramble about something that's been on a mind for a while, about HK and the AU. Not really a vent, but just wanted to talk about it. It's pretty long so I'll hide it.
My relationship with HK these days is a bit complicated, to be honest. I absolutely adore the game, I get this warm feeling every time I hear the soundtrack and I still get the itch to replay it from time to time. It's a work for art and I'm so, so grateful I played it, even if I was quite late to the party all things considered.
But I can't deny that I fell into the rabbithole of having too many headcanons where I can't engage with other people to the extent I perhaps used to. I don't like many of the popular characters nearly as much as the fandom does, and those that are close to my heart I interpret in a way that speaks to me, but one that feels very distant to how other people view them.
It has some downsides. I avoid looking up HK fanart and I'm slowly starting to dislike getting posts about it recommended to me in the For You tab a little bit. Not because the art is bad, far from it, there are incredible artists and other members of this community that deserve all the love in the world. It's just that it keeps reminding me that my interpretations are so personal, and headcanons that go against them almost feel like mischaracterization, as ridiculous as it sounds. Some interpretations end up upsetting me more than I'd like, too. Some of it is misinterpretations that annoy me, but some are just things I personally don't agree with.
But part of me makes me think that it's my fault somehow. I can't quite explain it, I think this is somehow rooted in my self-esteem issues. I often fear that I don't belong, that I'm doing something wrong by not following the general fanon, that my AU feels like an insult against the canon because of how derived and self-indulgent it is. I didn't have that problem before, not to this extent, but as my mental health got worse over the months, it makes sense that something like this would also start to make itself known. Or at least it makes sense to me.
So deep down I'm torn. On one hand, I get weirdly protective over my interpretations and it's gone to the point where I struggle to separate them from the versions other people talk about. On the other, I'm starting to feel guilty that my AU versions are so different that they might upset some people.
I had some moments where I considered turning them into OCs. But every time I I think about that, I reach the conclusion that no, I don't want to do that. I love them the way they are, despite their designs evolving with time, I wouldn't want to change anything about them, let alone turn them into different characters. And it's not like I'm really changing the character from the canon. Some details are different, but it's also easy to forget that we don't really know much about a lot of these characters, so in many ways I'm just filling the blanks and writing the story around it. Not to mention, adapting canon in ways that I find personally engaging is one of my favorite things about the worldbuilding and lore of the AU. And then there's all the engagement from people who like the AU and want to learn more that is genuinely the main reason why it's as expansive as it is. I don't think I would've stuck around making art for it for this long if I was doing it for myself only.
But it's not just art, knowing that people care, and getting all the interesting ideas I haven't considered inspires me to expand the world of the AU even further, I think about it in my spare time, of all the ways I could develop the world, I still get random ideas for it that I eventually want to include, I read about something in the game's lore and I immediately think of the way I could adapt it into my AU. It became a personal project that I find comfort in, and changing it would just feel wrong. And I know how my brain works (well, at least I think I do), I know I wouldn't remain as invested if I were by myself, I need to share it with other people. And I doubt they would be as interested if it wasn't for the connection to HK. I think that's natural and to be expected.
So all that leaves me in a bit of an awkward spot. I love HK, but over the last year I built a wall around me and the sandbox of my personal interpretations, that creates this disconnect between me and the rest of the fandom. I don't think that fact alone makes me upset, either. There's a reason why I'm still sitting there and playing in that sandbox to this day, and it's because I genuinely love doing it. I guess the disconnect just feeds into my already existing confidence issues and worries. Then again, I haven't really left the fandom, and I'm not planning to anytime soon. All I'm hoping for is that my low-confidence plagued brain improves, and stops telling me I'm doing something wrong by playing in the sandbox by myself.
Okay, not by myself, that would be selfish of me to say. There's still a lot of you here, people whom my silly AU clicked with, people who want to see more of it and are still there for the 6th slice of life drawing of the week. I love and appreciate you all, and I'm really grateful I can share the sandbox with you. You're the best, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm so, so happy that you found something in my art that resonated with you.
I don't know how to end this post tbh. Again, it's not really meant to be a vent post, not the usual kind at least. Even if some things about this frustrate or upset me a little bit, I think I'm slowly moving towards the acceptance stage. I don't want to change my interpretations so they're more in line with the rest of the fandom, and I don't want to force myself to engage with things that upset me just to feel like I belong. All I'm hoping is that I eventually stop having doubts; about this, and everything in general.
I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts. Maybe someone else feels like they're in a similar spot. Maybe hearing some words of encouragement that I'm not going insane with this would also help me accept the position I'm in. Maybe it's Maybelline.
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subsystems · 6 months
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10.16.23
A few years ago, a person really betrayed my trust. It still haunts me.
I've never talked about this before but something recently uprooted these memories. And quite possibly some people will see this and know details, so there's a reason I'm being vague. I don't hold anything against any of them. I just want to finally talk about it and be done with this pain I've carried inside me.
I was in a small CDD server a few years ago. It was very casual, with just a few people who I came to see as friends at the time. I even invited one of my closest online friends into the server because I thought it was a nice place.
But, at the time, I was really struggling with the abusive relationship I was in. My PTSD was on overdrive. It became clear that my mental health was preventing me from engaging in the server in a healthy way, as it was upsetting for those friends to see me in distress so much. I liked everyone in the server but I ultimately I decided to leave because I wasn't in the best state of mind. I later had conversations with many of them, explaining that how I needed to work on my mental health, and felt like I left on good terms with everyone.
I still occasionally talked to some of them while I worked on taking care of myself. Eventually we stopped talking as frequently, which I was used to with long distance friends since we're all busy with life....and life got so fucking busy because of COVID and college.
I reached out to one of them after some time. I wanted to share my support for something they had written but was so confused when they lashed out at me. The told me how they never actually liked me and they knew I said something terrible about everyone in the server--something I never did. Why would I? They were all friends to me, and I didn't think any of them were bad. They blocked me before I could say anything. I was horrified and had no idea what was going on.
I reached out to several of those friends, basically playing a game of telephone to learn what happened before finally it became apparent. The person who I once considered one of my closest online friends at the time, the same one I invited into that server, was spreading lies about me. They told everyone in the server that I was saying bad things behind their backs, with no proof at all, and some of them believed it. I was mortified. I had no idea why they would do that.
When I confronted that person about it, they had no excuse. They had no excuse for why they lied. All they said was that they never actually liked me, either. I told them I'd never talk to them again before blocking them. I was fucking devastated.
In rapid succession I learned that these people I thought I was friends with never actually liked me, that someone I thought I was very close to spread such horrible lies about me, and that people who did like me just lost their trust in me because of that fucking lie.
It fucking hurt.
Like, I've never truly recovered from it. It completely changed the way I interact with people online. I struggle so much to allow myself to get close to other people with CDDs online anymore. I stopped joining CDD servers up until very recently, and I still can't talk in them often. I go on long hiatuses from this blog. It's like I hold online people at an arms length now, all because what happened several years ago hurt me so deeply.
Even then, I can't bring myself to dislike any of them. I was hurt, but I cherished the good times I spent with them. I want to hope that they're changing, growing, idk. I don't know what caused that friend to lie about me. They were also struggling with their mental health like I was. It's not an excuse and what they did wasn't okay, but I just can't bring myself to dislike anyone involved.
I bottled all of this up for years but I'm done with it now. It's out now. I'm done. It's just been bothering me for way to long. I'm done with it. I just want to heal.
I want to breathe.
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honeyandmonochrome · 8 months
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Every section of this was great but it is also very dense so I'm going to pick a section that stood out (~1:50:00 to 2:10:00)
Nemesis: Bwipo considers him a smart and skilled player. Taking time away from pro play has been introspective for both of them. They're both more mature now and less rigid with their views of the game. Nemesis struggled to adapt to the food in China (an issue that also affected EU pros that worlds badly) and Bwipo regrets not being more supportive. Bwipo emphasized that he worked insanely hard and he would be happy to work with him again. Nemesis would put in long hours even if he wasn't bought in on the team's plan, giving it an honest go even when he didn't believe it.
FNC 2020 (Bwipo Selfmade Nemesis Rekkles Hylissang): The team did not get along on a personal level but were able to put it aside to play the game. In game, it was all business. Outside the rift they would talk to each other and come up with solutions without the person of interest being in the room. Bwipo considers this impressive and he tried to recreate it in 2021 but it didn't work in spring (though it did in summer).
Rekkles and Hylissang. Rekkles and Hylissang rarely talked to each other as a botlane and Bwipo still can't quite believe how they made it work for 3 years. He stresses that that partnership was not natural because their personal relationship was not good. Hyli talked far more to Bwipo because he was willing to listen to Hyli's ideas. Yamato describes it as a 'live and let live' dynamic where they agreed to not pick at each other's flaws and just play the game, following plays not on trust but based on their understanding of the game. Yamato then laughs and says that Hyli seemed pent up with not being able to talk about botlane and Upset just absorbed everything he said. Both Bwipo and Yamato agree the most important part of getting to know Hyli is being able to listen.
Mono's Thoughts
It's been years after the fact but it's good to know what was going behind the scenes to a degree. I think a lot of people see Rekkles/Hylissang as the European botlane when the reality was that they were kind of making it up as they go and succeeding based on a skill check, not synergy. It's a huge testament to how skilled they were that they could be such a good lane while disliking each other. At the same time, I think it's a damnation of Rekkles as a teammate. It's very clear that Hylissang wanted to talk and did talk to anyone who would listen. Hylissang is frequently described behind the scenes as a good person, kind, patient if a bit shy across teams from UOL to MAD. Hyli was fine with taking challenges; Bwipo explicitly states he did when he felt strongly about something but he did always give Hylissang time to talk. So that leaves Rekkles just refusing to listen for whatever reason and that could be anything. It could be arrogance, laziness, stubbornness or some combination. No matter how you slice it though, it's not a good attitude to have professionally. Compared to Nemesis who did frequently argue but still went along with the team in the end, it seems selfish.
I remember 2019-20 a lot of blame was put at Selfmade/Nemesis' feet but it's nice confirmation that Nemesis, he tried until the very end to make it work. Certainly, neither he nor Bwipo were perfect, being very rigid in their ideas, but to have the grace to go with the team even with misgivings is something I think a lot of people would not have expected from him. If he does come back to pro player I hope he is given a bit of grace that he was just never given as a rookie that was supposed to replace Caps or as a sophmore working on a volatile team. Considering he had two stubborn topsiders in Bwipo and Selfmade and a botlane that did not get along whatsoever and just made their best guesses in the game, it's a miracle they made it to playoffs much less worlds.
It also shows how Upset was a perfect fit for that as even before Hyli he was a big min/maxer of his lane. In a similar vein, Hylissang has spoken about how he appreciates Carzzy's willingness to sit down and talk about minutia that he's noticed. Carzzy does occasionally dash when he doesn't need to but as someone who has watched him since 2020, his lane with Hyli is more stable than it used to be with Kaiser and Labrov who are more mechanically oriented. Yamato has also discussed how Hylissang is quite an emotional player and when he feels he's fighting for someone he cares about, he will go to the ends of the Earth. It is why he tried so so hard in 2022 to get Upset to worlds finally. In my opinion, that was him playing at his peak and that connection to Upset made all the difference.
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theintrovertbean · 10 months
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you might've just nailed down why I cannot for the life of me feel involved into Nadia's romance. The way she talks about her family and sometimes treats MC is baffling and almost upsetting to me at times. I don't dislike her mind you, I think she's a great character, but when she starts complaining about the audacity of her family worrying about her running off as a small child… I end up liking her in other routes more than her own. Doesn't happen with any other LI. feels bad man
I see your point. She does have a unique and quite unjustified way of talking about her family that I just couldn't understand at first. I expected her siblings to be horrible people, but then Nasmira showed up, and she was possibly one of the nicest characters in the entire game. Made me look at Nadi and think, "Girl, what the hell is your problem? There's no way you are serious."
But, well, Nadia is royalty, the youngest person in her family, and she is definitely spoiled. I think those three things together ensured that baby Nadia had very little contact with children of her age. Most people in her family are much older than her, and she never really got to witness how kids are being treated outside of Prakran palaces. My point is that everyone else got treated like an adult while Nadia was babied. Only Nadia. I think she felt excluded and outlandish, like she didn't belong, not even in her family, which is not nice. Every child wants to be normal, and Nadia was the only person getting the baby treatment. She was already feeling very lonely, but that made her think she was completely alone in the world. We do know that Nadia has always yearned for companionship, and this is something that made her dream feel even farther away.
She really needs someone to bring a 9-year-old child to her and ask her if it's really okay for that tiny little thing to wander off alone in a forest. I bet that hesitantly, but Nadia would say no 😂 That is why dating an MC with younger siblings would do her good. She would finally understand the struggles of being an older sibling.
As for MC. Again, Nadia is a princess from a great nation, and whether we like it or not, even if she treats them like an equal, in theory, the canon MC is always going to be beneath her (not a bad thing if someone is into that wink wonk.) Initially, this shows in Nadia's attitude too, but I think she learns that titles aside, she and MC are both just people and nothing else in the world matters. She also realizes that despite their different titles and finances, she could learn so much from MC about being a person. That's it, just a person. Sure, countesses and princesses are people too, but their lives are so much different from a commoner's.
Nadia lives in an untouchable world where even the slightest bit of physical affection seems like the biggest crime. Would the maids dare to put a reassuring hand on the Countess' shoulder or, gayness forbid, give her a hug? Hell no, because they are fucking terrified of her and the consequences of forgetting their place. Would Nadia actually like someone to put a hand on her shoulder or give her a hug? Hell yes, but she, too, is bound to these kinds of rules and probably wouldn't even think about letting a staff member embrace her.
I'm not sure if it's still in the game, but I remember MC thinking something like they always accidentally touch with Asra because the shop is so small. MC notices that Nadia can't have it and that it makes her feel alone, but she also deserves to have physical affection in her life (this was right before their first kiss.) And this is what MC taught Nadia: that these shitty rules can get fucked, and it is okay to let (nice) people in.
I don't think she ever really looked down on MC (she pitied them at most), but she is pretty much used to bossing people around. I can understand that this was unusual for her and needed some time to adjust. Treating people like her equals is another lesson she had to learn, but I think she did succeed with that. We're gonna ignore the reversed ending because Nadia is undoubtedly superior to MC in that one.
However, in the upright ending, we have a cute, sweet, loving person looking at us like we are the most precious thing in the world, and she would do anything for us. Upright Nadia gives zero fucks about titles, riches, upbringings, or anything because she does not need any of those to love MC. At the same time, she can be herself. She no longer has to hide behind the Princess/Countess mask, she can let her walls down, just be Nadia, and love MC like there's no tomorrow.
The outer layers of her character get stripped down to reveal the kind of person that she is and she can be. She was very, very far from perfect. She was not necessarily bad at first either, but her past is questionable af. However, inside those layers, there's a woman who has been starving for love and companionship her entire life. Did she cause that starvation to herself? That's very possible. She certainly didn't make it easier for herself and the people around her. But MC must stand with Nadia at her lowest (which is the beginning of her route) to see the best version of herself she can be.
And did Nadia learn from her mistakes? Yes, she did. That is unquestionable. She did waste half of her life, but maybe that was the path she needed to take in order to open her eyes (literally.)
In the end, Nadia is a wonderful person and an amazing lover who has managed to leave the past behind for the better. Upright Nadia is baby. She went through a lot of character growth, and that's very beautiful. In the beginning, she is Countess, but in the end, she is just Nadia.
Good job, Nadi. We are proud of you.
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