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violetsystems · 3 years

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#personal

I was invited the other day to join a community as a Creative Advisor from a survey I filled out for Adobe. I made the choice last November to purchase Creative Cloud for an entire year at a discount. When I worked at an art school I had all those applications free. Anybody in the arts community will tell you that software is expensive. I don’t necessarily feel too connected to the local arts community these days. But being a Creative Advisor basically means I participate in focus groups and offer my opinions in writing. It’s a not a bad way to stay active as a creator. I bought a drone basically so I had 4k footage to mess around with in Premiere. I am a YouTube Creator by definition. Yesterday after posting a video of the stream there was another survey in the right hand corner. I cautiously opened it and read through it. It was an inclusion survey. YouTube wanted information to help with their community. The first question was what race I identify as. I can’t really argue I’m not white. The next question was if I identified as part of the LGBTQ community. I don’t so I answered no. The third question was what gender I identified as. I said male because I’m cis. I completed the survey and went on about my business. A few minutes later another popup asked me how satisfied I was with the YouTube community after all this. I answered Very Satisfied and closed the window. I’m also part of a larger community here in Chicago. This can be drilled down so far that you can find yourself standing in a lonely circle with a thousand fingers pointed back at you. My immediate neighbors identify. I wouldn’t know what specifically or why so I don’t ever really pry. I live on a pretty diverse property when it comes to tenants. That expands into a pretty diverse neighborhood with a pretty diverse set of issues when it comes to power sharing. I live the mad max sort of mentality these days. Think more Fury Road than Road Warrior. Where he helps out then silently fades away to focus on his own car wreck of a life. One winter while shoveling snow I discovered somebody had written something in front of one of my neighbor’s doorstep. It said “gay people live here.” I processed it, shrugged and shoveled it away. I couldn’t tell if my landlord was supposed to discover it, if my neighbors actually wrote it, or if it was somebody being hateful. I made a judgement call on the account of safety and made a mental note of it then made it disappear. I cared enough to think about it no matter how much this entire process exhausts me. People join communities for connection. People seek out authentic communities for safety, pride and respect. And people in America should be able to do this freely without being exploited, judged, watched, or compared. Communities overlap and the geopolitics therein get a little tricky. When you live in a city with so many different influences, cultures, and hang ups the fog of the ideological war muddles up everyone’s intentions. I think we retreat to the sanctity of our own communities because they understand the narrative and context best. I’ve been welcomed into many communities that aren’t my own. But my circle is pretty small these days. Mostly because for all the care and attention I apply to the concept of community, I’m often left out to fend for myself here in my bachelor Castle of Doom. Communities do consolidate power for better or for worse. Just like rich people hoard money and dodge taxes. Communities have their own cultural queues and signifiers. Communities in America have increasingly become more like tribes in the economic desert. Impenetrable communes at war with myopic definitions and hidden rules that are meant to keep people out for resource sake. So much so that the Road Warrior doesn’t seem like science fiction to me from personal experience.

It was the great poet Lord Humungus who may have set it best. Just walk away. Safe passage in the wasteland they said. Be your own boss. Own your sexuality and answer for your horny crimes. Shit, I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to where I belong in all of this. For me things have become equally obfuscated and easy to understand at the same time. I’m more of an anarchist these days than I would like to admit. I don’t really want to be on Tucker Carlson’s radar. Simply because everyone is looking for something to label you as so they can pass an easier judgement on you. People want you to identify so they can fit you into whatever conversational hole they wish to project at you. I run into my neighbors all the time. I treat people like people. Simply because I’ve been treated enough like shit to know I don’t want anyone else to experience that. I don’t really want revenge. I want all this nonsense to stop getting in the way of my pursuit of life, liberty and happiness. And the constant arguing and debate team every step of the way is troubling. It’s people with a beaten down sense of self confidence proving themselves in the arena of mob rule. For all the chest beating online on twitter or facebook people are kind of shook in the streets. It is a winner take all mentality. And even the more valid sides of the fight have taken to dirty tactics leaving some of us in the middle of an absolute shit show. Par for the course if you ask me. There are plenty of opportunities to be the hero these days. Not many to be acknowledged as one. You can be you and still support people that think differently. I had a dream about guns last night. I don’t own a gun. That’s not the right choice for a person like me. It doesn’t mean I can make a sweeping generalization for the rest of America. Neither do I actually care to. I’m cis. I don’t spend my time psychoanalyzing or judging gender or sexuality other than my own biases towards it. This is to treat people better and learn respectful communication. Communication is a two way street. And some communication is blocked, obfuscated or hidden for it’s own protection. It can also be self serving. Some of my closest friends are behind infinite onion layers of identities. Layers of firewalls that I pirouette through like a whirling dervish just to show I still care deeply. We take the time to show love. We take the time to understand the obstacles. And we have patience to understand that we have to sacrifice things sometimes for the sake of change. Make no mistake the way I see things on my own is fucked. I am part of a community here on Tumblr. A much wider community. There are times when I don’t fit in. When it’s not about me or you or whoever behind the screen. It’s what we connect to and how we learn to respect each other as human beings first. Not as names. Or fame. Who we really are behind all of this doesn’t really matter as much as the content and ideas we share. Community has it’s own memory and it’s own duty to hold things sacred. Some larger communities do a totally shitty job of understanding the needs of their ideological neighbors. And passion, pride, and lack of patience can burn bridges more quickly than building them. There are times when you realize you are part of a community that doesn’t honor your identity at the core. Sometimes it’s worse. You find you aren’t welcome in a community for whatever reason. If you are an abuser this is a safety issue and not really up for argument or discussion. But sometimes its far less deserving. And it’s a game of musical chairs to understand where you fit in and where you aren’t welcome. For me I’m part Swedish and also a minimalist in nature. Just look at Ikea and my habit of rearranging furniture. I grew more inward this year in terms of who I trust. Now it’s just me and a small percentage of screen names that might be owned by the same person or people. I identify them as my closest friends.

The thing about community I’ve learned over the years is that it can always be infiltrated. Trust can always be broken. We find we don’t belong to the bigger picture because motives are out of place. We long to just be normal and accepted for that. It’s exhausting to have to identify every time you walk out the door. I identify as human. Mostly I identify as Tim. Freedom in America is best summed up by a quote by my favorite person in the world. She’s from China. She said once she loved New York because it was the only place where she felt free to cry in public without anybody prying into why. I’m paraphrasing. But that shit has stuck with me like a knife for years. That isn’t what America is about right now. It’s almost like it’s looking for victims. Looking for signs of weakness to trick into a confidence game. It’s a setup on every corner. A prank waiting to happen. A constant obstacle to your main quest. And this isn’t what America is about. At least not the way I live it. I don’t think I solve the situation with more policing. I don’t think I solve it by doing anything other than continuing to live free. The challenge here in America is constantly evolving as it is around the world. America’s idea of free isn’t always well thought out. It’s riddled with paradoxes. And yet this is all I really have. I’ve seen enough people stalking me in the streets with shirts emblazoned with messages. Freedom isn’t free. Penetrate the world. Blue lives matter. Make seven up yours. I’ve made statements too and found myself more and more alone. And then I’ve started to realize geographically what’s worth fighting for. I’m tied to an address. That’s the address where the government sends my ballots and rejects my state taxes at. That’s the address where the utilities are in my name and I pay my rent on time. Sometimes even a month ahead. I’m fiscally responsible for once in my life. I’ve conquered years of societal glue that held me to mediocre and half assed standards. I’m a diamond in the rough except I’m not really all the rough. I’ve stood up for people who aren’t like me so much that I feel more isolated and weird every day. And I learn that sometimes it’s better to shy away from places where you aren’t welcome than to make a scene. I am stuck in my little hole here. If the answer were getting out there and networking, I’d ask people to look at my passport. It’s not good enough for the state to acknowledge as proof of my identity. But I spent a lot of money going back and forth to Asia trying to do just that. And I paid off all that debt awhile ago. I know the world is bigger than me. And I believe sometimes people think they’ve travelled the world in their computer. They’re the authority on everything. And here is the problem with freedom in America. The authority isn’t always right. This is why we seek out communities. For democracy. For peer review. To have our narrative understood and respected. And we need communities to be more about democracy and less about autocratic reactions to a zero sum game. I think it’s okay to not be part of something you don’t belong. And I also think it’s okay to respect people’s wishes to seek out where they do. But we have to learn to live together in America despite of this. And well this would require us as Americans to really look the beast in the eye. And doing that alone is scary. I should know. I do it every day. So much so that I’m literally not fucking around with much of anything other than what’s easy enough to read. Even when it’s easy to read it doesn’t mean it’s done in earnest. I can only really worry about the things I hold intimate and secret. The creative culture I’ve salvaged with my bare hands. I really don’t care if you don’t get who I am. But I want you to know I care about the world being free. At least for the people I care about. If you ever catch yourself crying in public just remember I’m right there over your shoulder cheering you on. I’ll fight for your right to cry about it and scare off anybody who interferes. That’s just who I am and nobody will know or even acknowledge me by name. Sometimes I do feel like a ghost. I’m not trying to walk through walls people set up for protection. But I will break down the barriers people put up to keep us from living together. <3 Tim

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mikeyd1986 · 6 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 114, July 2018

On Sunday afternoon, we had my step-dad’s 60th birthday party. I often find parties and social gatherings to be very challenging on me mentally and emotionally. This weekend, I had the added complication of poor quality of sleep, low energy levels and chronic fatigue in the mix. So even putting up a few decorations required a lot of physical effort from me. And then there’s dealing with other people’s energies which leaves me feeling very drained and exhausted. None of this is anybody’s fault, it’s just the way I’ve been wired.

Thankfully we had the function at home so I could basically retreat and hibernate in my bedroom if things got too much for me. To an outsider, it may seem like I’m being anti-social or lazy but in actuality, it’s a combination of being introverted, shy, reserved, autistic, anxious and depressed that makes me feel this way. Still I’m learning to cope with it better. We had the party catered for by a caterer named Erica from the Finger Food People plus the cake and cupcakes were designed by my friend and former team-mate Cathy Horne.

On Monday night, I went to a Yin yoga class with Aaron Petty at Level Up Yoga in Berwick. I was still feeling very much tired and worn out after the hectic weekend I had and so I felt like I really needed more of a restorative practice tonight. The wind was howling loudly outside the studio and the walls were shaking a little but I was safe and sheltered inside. It was another intimate class tonight with just the two of us (we can make it if we try!). Tee Bee and I.

Tonight we did a number of restorative poses and Yin-style stretches including Seated Forward Fold, Bridge Pose and Waterfall, Deep Neck and Side stretches. As usual, the class brought up a lot of emotional issues festering inside of me which currently lies around my uncertainty about work and the future as well as my social skills and wanting to make more friends. https://www.yogajournal.com/yoga-101/types-of-yoga/yin

(Why do I find it so hard to put myself out there and socialise? I wish I had more friends in my life. I wish I got to hang out more with them. I feel so powerless at work with all these roster and management changes. I can’t handle it. What’s wrong with me? I’m a doormat. I get so easily emotional whenever I make a mistake or somebody else insults me or I can’t answer a customer’s question. I feel so dumb sometimes. I’m lucky to still be working here.)

The above is pretty much what came up for me and is very typical of my thought patterns about myself, my situation at work and my social life. But yoga helps to turn these negatives into positives. To be able to let go of these stories which are holding me back in life, some of which are simply untrue. And it’s what I love about Aaron’s philosophy towards his yoga practice. He is always encouraging, supportive and accepting. Never judgmental or harsh or critical. Thank you Aaron for being there for me. https://www.aaronpetty.com/teaching-schedule/

On Tuesday morning, I did my first Boxing / HIIT Power small group training session with CinFull Fitness in Narre Warren South. I’ve known Cinamon Guerin for about a year or two now from participating in her Body Combat classes at Casey Arc. Now she also runs a personal training business on the side with small groups of clients in her home garage. I’ve contemplated coming along to a class for a while now but it was either not the right time or life got in the way. But now I’m finally giving it a go. https://www.moneycrashers.com/health-benefits-boxing-workouts/

It was just myself and Sarah today who is one of Cinamon’s regular clients. After filling in my registration forms (I go into a lot of detail as always), I was ready to get started. We warmed-up by doing alternating exercises (Wall balls, Ball slams, Battle Ropes, Kettle Bell Swings) at 30 seconds each. Next we did some weighted back squats and squat pulses, TRX exercises (Ring Rows, Squats, Lunges) and some lifts with the dumb bells (Bicep Curls, Overheads, Tricep Push-ups).

Lastly we did some basic boxing drills. I’m still fairly inexperienced when it comes to boxing though I have done a couple of group fitness boxing classes and a little with my personal trainer Mandi Herauville in the past. Thankfully Cinamon didn’t make it too difficult for us today. I gotta get back into the swing of things. I still have moments of self-consciousness whenever I’m workout out. Being comfortable with looking at myself in the mirror is still something I struggle with due to my body image issues and being overweight.

But it’s something I really want to work on and improve over time. One day at a time. The thing I love about Cinamon is her ability to make fitness enjoyable and accessible. It’s really tough work but the results you get from working out are worth it. My mental illness does have the tendency to interfere at times whenever I’m exercising, often to extremes like questioning whether I’m going to pass out or have a heart attack. It’s more than I’m still unfit at times and so it’s no surprise that I’m puffing and panting quite quickly.

These fears are irrational though as being out of breath, fatigued and profusely sweating are all normal by-products of working out. Of course you have to still be mindful about not overdoing it or causing yourself an injury. Cinamon constantly asks how we are feeling and that’s a sign of a great personal trainer. No client wants to be dragged off to Casey Hospital in a paramedic van because precautions weren’t taken during a session. And so in that sense, I feel very comfortable and secure with Cinamon training me. Personal safety should always come first. https://www.facebook.com/CinFullFitness/

On Thursday night, I attended the Young Adults AS Peer Group meeting at MS Australia - the Nerve Centre in Blackburn. Tonight’s discussion topic was on self-motivation which is something I’ve been struggling a lot with recently. My quality of sleep has been noticeably worse lately, dipping to around 4-5 hours per night with broken periods of me waking up at around 3-4am and then 6-7am. Sleep disturbances and insomnia is nothing new for me but it seems to be getting harder to manage of late.

Sleep deprivation really has a devastating affect on my moods, concentration levels and energy levels. Hence why it’s been difficult to motivate myself most days unless I have set appointments or shifts at work. But even then I notice that I’m tired, restless, irritable, moody and struggling to function at times. I have found that meditation, listening to calming music and going to bed helps to a certain degree but not always.

I honestly had mixed feelings about tonight’s meeting but I feel like a lot of it is clouded by my current mental state. Bumping into Gayle again, I felt really hesitant like I was walking on eggshells around her and didn’t want to draw her attention. I decided to sit by myself after I arrived but it didn’t take long for Gayle to drag me out of my chair. I did appreciate her trying to encourage me to mingle with a couple of new “Aspies” but sadly it fell flat for me.

I almost felt like saying “Hi I’m Michael. I’m socially awkward and introverted. Nice to meet you.” Because that’s exactly how I feel inside in any group situation. But thankfully Max was lingering around to make socialising a bit easier for everyone before the meeting started. Gayle’s proposal was still haunting me in the back of my mind. I just know that I don’t have the social skills, the personality nor the confidence to be a group leader hence why I’ve been so evasive and dismissive about it. However, they are things I really do need to work on.

The meeting itself ran alright. We got divided into three separate discussion groups like last time. I ended up being in Max’s group outside on the sofas. Though I personally only came up with one decent suggestion to contribute, we still managed to get some great ideas written down on the butcher paper for ways to get more organised in our daily lives. These include:

Using planners, calendars, diaries, post-it notes and notepads

Setting alarms at scheduled times on your phone

Writing to-do lists, prep lists and shopping lists

Using filing systems such as folders and display books

Preventing problems before the arise

Persistence in the face of setbacks e.g. extending deadlines

Ensuring that you take regular breaks and reward yourself when tasks get completed

I could feel myself getting easily distracted and struggling to maintain focus tonight at times so I decided to leave early. The jury is still out as to whether the Young Adults Aspergers peer support group is the right venue for me to make new friends. It’s been a constant challenge for my entire 32 years of existence to find a place where I belong, to connect with like-minded people, to be understood, accepted and included. The one positive is that at least I’m slowly becoming a familiar face at Aspergers Victoria. Putting yourself out there and speaking up in a group is fucking hard to do but at least I can say I’m trying and I’m not giving up. https://aspergersvic.org.au/young-adults

On Friday morning, I went to my Body Pump class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. To be honest, I was still feeling worn out and restless after arriving at the facility. My low mood could be attributed to the recent “Blood Moon” appearance this week as well as the colder weather. Thankfully our instructor Gina was in a loud, bubbly mood this morning and a workout was exactly what I needed in order to lift my mental state up and feel better.

Today we did release number 106 which features the following tracks: Tell Me You Love Me by Galantis & Throttle, Walk On Water by Thirty Seconds to Mars, Tribes by Chase & Status and Revenge by Pink Feat. Eminem. I have to say that the soreness and burn didn’t really kick in for me until about half way through the workout when we started doing lunges, squats and squat pulses then push presses, power presses and push-ups.

But it felt awesome being able to push through how challenging this release was and to know that everyone else in the room was feeling the same way. Laughing, having fun and enjoying whatever exercise your doing will always be an important aspect for me because otherwise what’s the point of it? http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/classes/bodypump/music-tracklists/

“One foot in front of the other babe. One breath leads to another yeah. Just keep moving, oh. Look within for the strength today. Listen out for the voice to say. Just keep moving, oh... So my love, keep on running. You gotta get through today, yeah. There my love, keep on running. Gotta keep those tears at bay, oh. Oh, my love, don't stop burning. Gonna send them up in flames. In flames.” David Guetta & Sia - Flames (2018)

“Drowning in the static of a thousand whispered doubts. I need to break the silence before my oxygen runs out. So can you hear me?. "Can you hear me?". As I call in to this dark and lonely. Passage, am I getting it through? Because all I want to do is get a message from me to you.” Evermore - Can You Hear Me? (2009)

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