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betweentheracks · 3 years

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Heyo! Not to be too nosy here but you mentioned you're in bad health and recovering, and I just wondered what happened? Also how would it impact your career since, from how you've made it all seem thus far, it's a highly active and demanding job?

Hope you take care and get well! You appear quite strong and not like you'd take whatever has happened just lying down, so here's to you!! 🙏💓

No sweat and no worries here, I dont find this particularly invasive. If anything, I'm flattered you care to ask after me lol. 😁

A few weeks back I met a friend I hadn't seen in some time for lunch. This was against my better sense of caution that I've held firmly to throughout the pandemic, but I would feel regretful and dismissive if I didnt agree to see her while I had the chance. I should've listened my gut and stayed safely at work because this "friend" failed to mention she had tested positive (she knew already by the time of our lunch date, she has since admitted) and had figured since she had no symptoms there was no harm in being in public.

FF only a few days later and I was feeling a little unwell but had put it off as an effect of the winter blast that had just hit where I live. I'd spent half a day out in the cold and snow for a photoshoot only the day before and thought it was probably due to that since I'm susceptible to weather influenced head colds and bronchitis. Fortunately, my job mandates a rigid COVID-19 screening twice a week due to our high profile clientele and as an assurance of health and safety for us all. Mine read back with a positive and with the way I had been feeling I was immediately sent home and the company closed its doors while the building was sterilized and our clients notified.

Thankfully I managed not to infect anyone I work with nor my son. Regrettably, I did infect my best friend since we're horrifically incapable of maintaining personal space and have weak shit immune systems. We both agree it is a wonder we made it this far into plague times without it catching us.

So I went and got looked over and sent on my way with my prescription of potent anti-virals and steroids. I was well prepared to abide the quarantine guidelines and had sent my son to my mother's home for the duration so that he was out of the danger zone. It was fine, I was kinda cool and keen on getting a few days to myself to rest up and all that jazz. But it wasn't meant to last and I found trouble in the form of being unable to remain conscious much at all and would pass out constantly. After a few times of this I gave my brother (he's a doctor and vaccinated) a ring and told him that my fatigue was no joke dude and needed him to come give me a better once over than the one I'd gotten before bc I was sure I was not meant to feel this badly. He found me unconscious in the shower that night, my head battered from crashing to the basin.

After ensuring I wasn't concussed and jokes on what a hard head I have to take such a beating and show no signs of registering it beyond bruising (a joke between us due to him having once accidentally put a golf club into my forehead and fracturing my skull but that's a different story) he told me to call him regularly so that he can review how I feel and the progression of my symptoms and left. By the morning I had already had two more instances of sudden fatigue and collapsing in on myself. I had been posting on my main blog here about how I was doing and due to this I caught the concern of @peekbackstage and upon their suggestion to have my O2 levels tested it was revealed that I was having issues with my blood not circulating oxygen as it should and nearing hypoxia.

Here's the rub. I have a heart condition that is already very dangerous and bleak which limits my heart's capability of delivering blood through my body as it should. Cardiomyopathy or, as it seems better known, congestive heart failure. I've had surgery for it and it has been a while since it caused me any real issues as long as I stick to my routine of care and manage my health, but when COVID-19 infiltrated my body it immediately snagged upon this weak heart of mine and sank its fangs in.

Within a day of being admitted to the hospital I had a grand mal seizure due to the constant fluctuations of oxygen in my blood and the way my body was working double time to supplement for it. And only 2 days after that and when my nervous system had finally quieted down, I went into full cardiac arrest with a heart attack at my young age.

My next weeks were spent connected to machines doing more for me than my own body could. I developed pneumonia in my lungs, acute though it was it was still another complication that my wrecked body had to overcome as it made my already ragged breathing even worse. I was steadily shedding muscle tone and definition due to a lack of mobility and the fact that my body felt like a deadweight I could hardly take command of, and generally very weakened. My heart, the horrible thing, was inflamed and trying too hard by beating too fast, too hard.

FF some more and I was doing fairly well and treatments were showing some improvement. My heart was still being an ugly and gnarled beast in my chest and throwing weird spikes on the monitor that raised alarms. The pneumonia was retreating and I had no further seizures. It was the dawning light of my first signs that I was recovering!

It took a while more and so fucking many tests day in and day out for me get cleared for release. I tested negative for COVID-19 and was ashamed that I actually forgot that that was why I was even in the hospital to begin with, given all that happened. I have to undergo physical therapy and counseling; PT for heart happy exercises as well as to manage to my depleted muscles, counseling bc I was rocked mentally from all the almost dying and the depressive haze of being holed up in the hospital and surrounded by people who, like me, came in with COVID-19 but unlike me did not come out of it.

I'm home now. I had to have a pacemaker implanted and must stay vigilant for any showing that my heart is not performing as it should. I still have some severe inflammation and chest restriction in my airways as well as my blood vessels but nothing too daunting. I also have a full battalion of prescriptions, most for my heart, and a nebulizer to ease any breathing issues. The worst is honestly that I still am very weak and have severely limited reserves of energy.

My job is required to make me take 12 weeks of leave for rest and recuperation. This is very upsetting since I had been requested by name to be an assistant stylist at the Grammys this year which is truly a dream (especially with BTS in the mix 😩😩) and also bc I'm just a workaholic by nature and love my job. When I return I am expected to learn how to properly delegate tasks that do not directly require me to handle and slow down the pacing of my projects. My boss terminated a contract with a client that was nearing the scheduled end of our agreement and was also incredibly problematic to help lighten my workload. It's imperative that I reign in my stress levels or my heart will not last until the next surgery I'll need, so I'm gritting my teeth and letting my job be picked apart to reduce my responsibilities.

My post awaits my return but I will not be returning to full activity for a while after, which means no rifling through the racks for hours alongside the archivists in search of the perfect piece. I'll be welcome to meet with my clients and oversee the glam teams, will still be the command tower for final verdicts on which styles to use. But I will not be running around showrooms nor personally handling matters any competent trainee could be tasked with like I've always done. I will no longer be able to fly out anywhere for destination shoots or fashion shows.

If, after my next surgery, things are better and my heart stable to the point that they are hopeful of things will be reevaluated. While it is difficult beyond measure for me to relinquish the reigns of my career and be restricted in what I can do now, I am very thankful to be alive and upright when that wasn't a certainty just a little while ago. This is such a humbling experience to have survived when my stats kept dropping every day. I've been told to expect that I will never make a full 100% recovery and to expect to stall out around the 70%-90% range, with 70% being the most realistic.

My best friend (the one I gave the plague to) will be moving in with me so that I am never on my own if things go tits up and to assist in wrangling a toddler since I am currently without the energy to do so as my child is, sincerely, a crazy gremlin spawn with limitless battery life. Slowly, my life will regain some normalcy 💖

#racks asks #personal and long winded - read at own risk

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grailfinders · 3 years

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Fate and Phantasms #130: Marie Antoinette (Caster)

The encores keep coming on Fate and Phantasms with today’s build, Marie Antoinette! A volleyball player in D&D is probably one of the weirder things we’ve done so far, but I’m sure we can set up something good for y’all. Charm everyone you can, and smash those you can’t in the face with your beachballs!

Check out her build breakdown below the cut, or her character sheet here!

Next up: Met a girl(s), crazy for me!

Race and Background

As a variant of Marie, you’re also a variant human, giving you +1 wisdom and charisma. You’re a bit more active than your rider counterpart, so you also get Athletics proficiency and the Fighting Initiate feat, which nets you the Thrown Weapon Fighting fighting style. Now you can grab and throw weapons in the same move, and you deal +2 damage with thrown weapons! Sadly, WoTC forgot to weaponize balls in D&D, but light hammers are the closest thing we have to work with. Yes, that does mean Tortle Antoinette is dangerously close to being a Hammer Bro.

Like always, you’re a Noble, giving you History and Persuasion proficiencies.

Ability Scores

If you know anything about Marie, you know her Charisma is pretty high. If we want to be good a sports we’ll need some Dexterity though, make that second. Your Wisdom isn’t half bad, you were a queen once. Your Constitution isn’t amazing, but hey that just gives you an excuse to order one of those umbrella drinks and relax. Your Intelligence is rather low by elimination, (again, no one wants to think in the summer,) but you’re not stupid so we’re still dumping your Strength. Surprisingly, beach balls aren’t heavy lifting.

Class Levels

1. Monk 1: Remember when I said not all of the summer servants were going to be beach ready? I’m starting to think that might not be true. As a monk, you get proficiency with Strength and Dexterity saves, as well as two monk skills. I’d grab Acrobatics for more volleyball skills and Insight for better rulings.

You also get Unarmored Defense, making your AC based on your wisdom as well as your dexterity, and Martial Arts. Now you can use dexterity instead of strength when attacking with monk weapons (light hammers are simple, so they count), and you can make an unarmed strike as a bonus action after attacking. Also, all your monk attacks do a minimum of 1d4 damage, which scales as you level up. The good news is it only gets better from here.

2. Monk 2: Second level monks get a number of Ki points each short rest equal to their monk level. They can use these to make two attacks, dodge, disengage, or dash as a bonus action. You also get Unarmored Movement, helping you get across the court thanks to an extra 10′ of movement speed that also increases as you level up.

3. Monk 3: They probably wouldn’t tell you this, but it turns out Way of the Kensei monks are super into beach volleyball. That’s why at third level you learn the Path of the Kensei, a totally not confusingly named feature that’s really four features in one. You get Kensei Weapons, a melee (Light Hammer) and ranged (Darts? It doesn’t really matter much) weapon that will be used by later features. One of those is an Agile Parry, giving you a bonus to your AC for a round when you make an unarmed attack with a kensei weapon in hand. Use the volleyballs for ranged attacks, hands for melee attacks, they’re pretty mutually exclusive. Another way to use your deadly weapons is a Kensei’s Shot, which normally doesn’t come up in these builds. Using your bonus action you can deal an extra 1d4 of damage each time you make a ranged attack that turn, effectively doubling your output. You also learn the Way of the Brush, which will be super useful when you’re stuck making manga over and over again in summer 3.

Finally, you volleyball skills come in handy by teaching you how to Deflect Missiles. Using your reaction you can set a ranged attack to deal less damage to you, and if you mitigate it entirely you can spike it back at the attacker.

4. Monk 4: Your very first Ability Score Improvement will go towards Dexterity. Being able to aim your shots helps. You can Slow Fall to reduce sandburn from those dives, and you get some Quickened Healing for a bit of that sunflower power, spending ki and an action to heal yourself.

5. Bard 1: Despite everything, you’re still you. And You is still a bard! This means you get Performance proficiency to get the crowd on your side, as well as some Spells you can cast using your Charisma. You can also give Bardic Inspiration to your allies a number of times per long rest equal to your charisma modifier. This lets them add a d6 to one of their attack rolls, saving throws, or ability checks.

Speaking of spells, Light will make you the center of attention, either creating a light source out of thin air of turning an object into a free torch. You also get Friends, Charm Person, and Animal Friendship to wrap the world around your finger, because some things never change. If you have to get a bit forceful, you can also use Command, or Cure Wounds if you’re in a more merciful mood.

6. Bard 2: Second level bards are Jacks of All Trades, adding half your proficiency bonus to checks that don’t already use it. As a queen, you have to be well-versed in just about everything. You also get a Song of Rest, adding 1d6 to healing done over short rests. Finally, your Magical Inspiration augments your bardic inspiration. It can now be added to spell damage and healing.

Speaking of spell damage and healing, Bane does neither of those things. However, it does force a charisma save (DC 8 + proficiency + charisma modifier) on a couple creatures, and the ones that fail subtract 1d4 from all attacks and saves they make for the duration. You’re pretty distracting.

7. Bard 3: Your bard levels aren’t changing things up much from your original setup- yes, you’re still going to the College of Glamour. As a glamour bard, your Mantle of Inspiration can be built using just a use of Inspiration and your bonus action, giving a couple of friendly creatures 5 temporary hp, and the ability to react to move without causing opportunity attacks.

You can also put on an Enthralling Performance. After you play for at least a minute, you can try to charm a couple people who saw the entire thing, basically turning them into your groupies if they fail a wisdom save. You can use this once per short rest.

Finally, you get Expertise in two skills, doubling your proficiency bonus in Acrobatics and Performance. You’re good at what you do, and even better at making it look good while you do it.

You can also cast Calm Emotions to soothe enemies or friends alike. Like Guda always says, “An enemy is just a friend that’s still trying to kill you.”

8. Bard 4: Use this ASI to bump up your Charisma for stronger spells and more inspiration.

You can also cast True Strike this level for more accurate strikes, or Enhance Ability to inspire greatness in an ally, giving them advantage on one kind of skill check for the duration.

9. Bard 5: At fifth level your bardic inspiration grows to a d8, and you become a Font of Inspiration. That means your inspiration pops back up on short rests and long ones!

Being a queen isn’t easy. Even if you’re nice you still gotta punish people sometimes. Sometimes that punishment is curses. Bestow Curse can help with that. This is one of those open-ended spells- if your DM’s cool with creativity, you can probably do some nasty stuff with this spell.

10. Bard 6: Sixth level bards can waste an action on Countercharm, giving allies advantage against being charmed or frightened for the round. Alternatively, you can use your Mantle of Majesty as a bonus action, allowing you to cast command for free each bonus action and upon use. Any creature charmed by you automatically fails the save, but this feature uses your concentration, so it’s only really useful with teamwork or your Enthralling Performance. You can use this once per long rest.

We can duplicate the effects of your noble phantasm easy, but none of these really make you a giant glass jellyfish, do they? Major Image can help with that. This creates an illusion that fits within a 20′ square, and you can move it with you too!

11. Monk 5: Bouncing back to monk for an Extra Attack each attack action. You can also make a Stunning Strike, forcing a constitution save (DC 8+proficiency+wisdom modifier) or they’re stunned for the round. (This only works on melee attacks tho, boo hiss.)

For something more useful, Focused Aim lets you spend 1-3 ki points to add 2-6 to an attack roll. Volleyball is all about that aim.

12. Monk 6: Sixth level monks get Ki Empowered Strikes, making your unarmed attacks magical against resistances. You also become One with the Blade, which makes your kensei weapons magical against resistances, and you can use a Deft Strike to add your martial arts die to your damage once per turn.

You also get another kensei weapon, but it doesn’t really matter what you pick bc we’re still volleyballing here.

13. Monk 7: Once again, you get the super useful Evasion, halving damage from failed dex saves and removing damage from successes. You also get a Stillness of Mind, letting you spend an action to shut down frightening and charming effects.

14. Bard 7: Bouncing back to bard again for some fourth level spells, like Charm Monster. Fish love you, women love you, basically everyone loves you.

15. Bard 8: Use this ASI to bump up your Dexterity for more AC and better attacks. Turns out, monks like dexterity! Who’da thunk it. Your glass dress also gets a bit scarier at this level, turning it into a Phantasmal Killer. If your target fails a Wisdom save, they become frightened, and at the end of each turn they have to make another save or take psychic damage. Technically this makes one of their worst fears, but I bet glass chafes something awful, so I’d count it.

16. Bard 9: Ninth level bards get a stronger song of rest, and you can cast fifth level spells! Dominate Person forces a wisdom save on a creature or they get charmed. While charmed, you can issue commands to the target or take total control of them. You’re a celebrity, you do what you want. And other people do what you want too.

17. Bard 10: Tenth level bards get a d10 for their inspiration, and they get Magical Secrets, two spells from any spell list. Also a cantrip, which makes introducing the spells succinctly a pain in the ass. You get a Thunderclap if you spike the ball hard enough, but the stars of the show are Conjure Volley (yes we got it entirely for the pun) and Find Greater Steed. Horses aren’t practical on a beach, but glass horses aren’t about practicality.

You also get Expertise in athletics and persuasion to truly master volleyball and the popularity that comes with it.

18. Monk 8: Use your last ASI to bump up your Constitution for 18 free hit points.

19. Monk 9: Your unarmored movement improvement lets you literally walk on water, for those dramatic Baywatch-style shots.

20. Monk 10: Your final level gives you a Purity of Body, making you immune to disease and poison. Not the flashiest way to end a build, but I def wouldn’t complain about that right now.

Pros:

Throwing hammers around gives you a range advantage on most melee enemies, and your monk mobility gives you plenty of speed to abuse it with.

Your high dex and kensei features make your shots accurate, and your damage consistent.

Despite trading half your bard levels for monk, you’re still charming as all hell- literally. Fighting still isn’t your strong suit, but you’ve got plenty of ways to avoid them where possible.

Cons:

YOU ARE USING LIGHT HAMMERS. There isn’t even a stereotype about them in those “what does you favorite weapon say about you” videos because NO ONE USES THEM. Even with being a monk, you still won’t be doing much damage with them. Pulling out all the stops nets you 2d6+1d4+6 Bludgeoning damage at level 20. Let the fighters take care of the fighting, you’ll be a lot happier for it.

A lot of your abilities are tied to inspiration and ki, both of which are limited resources.

Unless you’ve got an artificer in your group or a generous dm, throwing weapons are a pain to use. You’ve either got to carry around a lot of them (which might be an issue with your dumped strength) or get used to picking them up between attacks.

#Fate and Phantasms #FGO #D&D 5e #Marie Antoinette #Fate Grand Order #Bard #Monk

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muwur · 4 years

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do u think u could write something fluffy for atsumu? :D (if not, bc he just showed up in the anime, futakuchi?) nd they/them pronouns pls :3 ty ty!!!

dating headcanons

✧ hc’s ✧ for atsumu and futakuchi

❧ gn reader

✎ 1.6k words

a/n: oml my first request fgrinffej thank u anon <3 been doing sum ~research~ and brainstorming snaccing and i hope this is okay ! >:) for u i shall do both ppl hehe. feel free to lmk if you would like me to redo or add anything, i wanna do my requests justice :*)

also i find myself gettin inspo at 4 am ofhfuohf i hope this is a bit fluffy, tho its a bit playful n snarky as well fnoggrefjf. also this took me so long bc i literaly got this whole other idea LMAOOOO but i find it more suitable as a separate piece so be on the lookout for that (nudge nudge itll feature atsumu ;) i got a bit carried away AAHA). here u goo

atsumu

✧ boi’s a tease

✧ on days he stays really late to practice so like?? most days LOL you drop by a nearby eatery and pick up some fatty tuna (or something else, you like to change it up sometimes even if fatty tuna is his fave) for him to munch on (gotta replenish your body!!)

✧ even though it’s for him, he’ll make you share the food with him as you both sit on a field nearby the gym

✧ likes to feed you but exaggerates it just to mess with you

✧ “say ahh, y/n” he coos with a smirk when he holds out some food from his chopsticks

✧ and just to mess with him back, you close your mouth around the piece, taking it from the chopsticks slowly and never breaking eye contact with him until after you chew and swallow

✧ “ah, that was delicious, honey” you smile cheekily

✧ rip atsumu, he malfuncc inside

✧ however

✧ fights you for the last piece of any food or snack you’re sharing

✧ “why even offer sharing if you’re just gonna hog it all”

✧ “you were just slower than me, that’s not my problem”

✧ in the end, he would definitely just let you have it. Only fights you when hes bored and wants to provoke you, which is often

✧ pretty affectionate in public. likes to ruffle your hair or place a head on your hand, no matter what height you are

✧ especially likes to do this when you’re annoyed at him, which kinda makes it not cute anymore and you just wanna punch him in the face

✧ as annoying as he could be tho you had to admit that your bickering could be quite fun he was definitely a caring partner

✧ is quick to take notice how youre feeling, liek:

✧ “hey, are you feeling okay?”

✧ “yeah im fine, why?”

✧ “you know you dont have to lie, right? you cant hide these things, anyways, i can just tell if something’s up. what’s wrong, babe?”

✧ pulls you aside to talk things out a little, then offers to spend some time together after practice

✧ squeezes your hand as he walks you home, plants a soft kiss to your forehead before parting ways, and says goodnight

✧ he also notices any changes, no matter how small, in your appearances:

✧ *scrutinizing you* “what do you want, atsumu?”

✧ “did you do something different today? maybe like with your hair or uniform or something?”

✧ “o-oh, yeah, i did.”

✧ “hm. it really suits you, actually.”

✧ “oh, thanks. it’s such a small change, i didnt think anyone would notice--”

✧ “dont get too ahead of yourself, i didnt say it looked nice-- im kidding, im kidding!” he has to say in order to defend himself from your piercing glare

✧ lowkey highkey cant go long without seeing you

✧ so when he finally gets to spend some time with you, he’s even more touchy than usual

✧ you eye him suspiciously before saying, “you’re acting like you missed me or something”

✧ “yeah, i did miss you. something wrong with that?” he asks, burying his face in your neck as he hugs you from behind

✧ “yes, because its been two days”

✧ expect lots of kisses and hugs, though. mans is deprived and he gets what he wants (with consent, of course)

✧ makes sure everyone knows he’s there to stand up for you if necessary, which can be pretty intimidating

✧ loves it when you fall asleep on his shoulder. will take selfies with your sleeping face and show you later

✧ “you look cute even when you’re drooling all over my arm”

✧ doesn’t talk about how he sniffed or kissed your head when you were asleep. definitely doesn’t admit how he was whispering about how lucky he was to be in love with you asdfghjk

✧ was the first to admit he loved you

✧ it occurred after his team won a game to qualify for nationals. excitedly, you raced your way to meet him and tackled him in a hug. who cares if he was sweaty. “i knew you guys would win, and im so proud, atsumu.”

✧ he stumbled a bit and hugged back. he pulled away shortly to look you in the eye

✧ “y/n, i love you.”

✧ and all you could do was blush before he pulled you into a soft, yet passionate kiss

✧ surrounded by like. literally everyone lol

✧ osamu just fake gags in the background

✧ later that day:

✧ “sooooo do I get a reward for winning ? ;)”

✧ “dont push your luck”

✧ but you do spend the night just chilling at his place, watching a movie and cuddling, unwinding from a long day

futakuchi

✧ you met each other in class, bonding over how bored and sleepy you both were

✧ one day he started passing you notes and you went with along it until this class’s purpose in y’alls lives was just for goofing off and totally not to see each other’s smiles or be a bit flirty

✧ loves to mess around with you, but also thinks highly of you

✧ shortly after you started dating and met the boy’s volleyball team, moniwa asks you to please keep futakuchi in line

✧ “babe, please, you’re driving your seniors crazy”

✧ but ever since he became captain, you could sense that futakuchi seemed more responsible

✧ but poor bby was also wayyyy more tired than usual

✧ you poked his back with your pencil whenever you found him dozing off in class, just in time before he risked getting caught by the teacher

✧ you also nagged him about getting more rest and maintaining his health, doing things to help him out until he gave in and made a better attempt at taking care of himself

✧ unless you have other activities going on, you’d usually come by the gym to watch practice and then walk home with futakuchi

✧ you always bring him and his team snacks. they all love you, especially koganegawa

✧ “how are you and y/n dating, they’re so much nicer than futaku--”

✧ cant even finish his sentence before the captain smacks his head and poor kogane chokes on his snacc

✧ but les be real you also go to admire your manz

✧ on the walk home one day:

✧ “you hit a really good spike today”

✧ sheepishly scratches the back of his head, “oh, thanks. kogane’s sets are improving, so it’s getting easier to hit the ball”

✧ secretly loves and craves your praise

✧ futakuchi’s pretty down for pda. you two can often be seen walking down the aisles, hand in hand

✧ will also give you lots of pecks, especially on your cheeks and lips

✧ he also insists on helping you carry your things

✧ wants you to rely on him

✧ saw you shivering once and took his jacket off, draping it around you like nbd

✧ lets just say he wishes he coulda thought of that sooner dhqnwxhgergk youre not allowed to look this cute

✧ but now you literally keep half his closet in your house cuz he always tells you to return it whenever you want

✧ could go on dates anywhere and literally have such a good time. the night market? y’all will share foods and play games the whole time. the park? he could go for a nice, relaxing walk, or if it’s at night, he’d love to lie in the grass and admire the night sky with you (as long as you hold hands lol). at home? would totally binge some shows or movies with you, has sour gummies n a blanket ready to share hog

✧ can be a tease, but will protect you at all costs

✧ glares at anyone who looks at you with interest (boi gets jealous)

✧ had to pull you into his arms and give you a kiss to save you from getting hit on by someone from a rival school. “hey babe, i’ve been looking for you. let’s head back, everyone’s waiting.”

✧ you happily follow him, not noticing how futakuchi looks back at his now sworn-enemy and sticks his tongue out at them

✧ he will fIGHT anyone who hurts you, is very overprotective to say the least

✧ always makes sure he knows where you’re at, starts to worry a bit if you’ve gone mia

✧ got reallly worried one time when he called you like 5 times and you didnt pick up!

✧ 20 minutes later his phone rings and he picks it up immediately. “hello? y/n? are you okay?? you haven’t been answering me for a while.”

✧ “ahh, yes, im sorry about that, my phone died :P”

✧ thinks the best cuddles are the ones in which you both end up falling asleep. also likes to admire your sleeping face totes not a creeper

✧ also loveloveloves to snuggle you from behind and bury his face in your neck and loves to just smELL you

✧ you told him you loved him first

✧ you were having a rough day when you heard a knock on your door

✧ opening it, you found a futakuchi giving you a small smile and carrying a plastic bag full of goodies. “i, uh, didn’t want you to be alone, so i thought we could hang out for a bit? just us two, your favorite snacks, and whatever else you want to do”

✧ touched by his gesture, you pulled him in by his jacket’s collar and gave him a long kiss

✧ after separating, you looked into his eyes as you cupped his face gently. “thank you, kenji. i love you. this means a lot to me”

✧ ejiufnicenjfdhksujsk he nearly melted in place

✧ later tries playing the pocky game with you, but then y’all forget about the pocky after your first round and stick to the smooching

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu reader insert #atsumu x reader #atsumu miya #futakuchi kenji #futakuchi x reader #haikyuu x you

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onedivinemisfit · 3 years

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I’m thinking about bringing up my fatigue/fainting with my doctor.

But at the same time I’m terrified I’ll be blown off.

Like for one, I had surgery three months ago. It’s my paranoia speaking but I can’t stop thinking that my GP will just, tell me it’s bc I’m not recovered yet, or use the fact that I can’t eat like I used to as a sort of “this will pass when you increase your food intake” or something.

It’s lasted so long tho. I can’t remember ever being energetic. And sometime around 16, I started... to faint? Almost. If I strained myself. Something as simple as taking a shower in the morning couldn’t be done cuz I’d end up with black spots and fading vision and I’d slump to my knees and struggle my way to the kitchen to eat/drink something with sugar in it.

Low blood sugar, I called it for a while. Then low blood pressure. Idk I never got it verified cuz nobody believed me?

I rarely faint “completely” if that makes sense. My mind fades for a moment as if it feels like my entire self becomes so. Heavy. I can’t stand up. And it’s nauseating to keep my head up. I can’t hear anything aside from my own pulse, and I struggle to focus.

I decided to get into exercise, thinking it was probably a result of my chronic pain and lack of moving around. Lazy, as they call it.

I didn’t even succeed in exercising with a trainer. 50% of the time I had to stop mid-session bc my mind was spinning and once I even fell to my knees and barely got back up. It’s such a defeated feeling. My mind supplies me with these ugly thoughts. “How pitiful, she’s too lazy to even exercise”.

I wish I could! I want to improve my condition! But I faint just moving from one room to another! The fuck can I do. It’s gotten worse. It happens almost daily? I should be young and bouncy, but I never was. But somehow my every lack of energy had always been “explained” by something else.

Then there’s my heart. I am scared shitless just talking about my heart. Since I was a teen, I’ve said something is wrong with my pulse, my blood pressure, just *something*. I can feel it. My heart keeps skipping beats, it keeps having palpitations (sometimes to the point of pain) and my resting pulse just... doesn’t rest.

At 20, I mentioned my irregular pulse to my then-GP. “It’s no use even listening to you, I won’t hear any irregularities you’re too young,”

I charted my heart palpitations up to anxiety. Afterall anxiety is more relatable, easier to explain than just. I’m relaxed but my heart is beating a mile a minute and no I don’t understand it either...

My father had a cardiac arrest. Then he was diagnosed with heart valve dysfunction. Then all his siblings followed suit. My aunt had to change her valve. It’s genetically disposed, my grandfather being the source. But they won’t start testing the next generation until they hit their 40s.

Did you know that my GP(s) didn’t even care?

Even the last time I went, earlier this month, my GP noted that my readings were “strange” but she wouldn’t respond when I asked if we should monitor my situation? My first blood pressure reading was medium-high. The next was normal. The third spiked like crazy for no reason. My pulse was also high.

“Is it bc you are anxious?” She asks me. How tf should I know??

I’m scared. Scared of looking into this. Scared of what could happen if I don’t. Scared that I’ll be called a hypochondriac, cuz that’s happened too (said directly to my face by my then-GP no less, tho for another reason)

I really just want to stop blacking out “for no reason.” ;;

#tw: medical #tw: anxiety #text post #about me #I just #really needed to summarize all these #related worries??#in a single space #I need to know that I AM making SENSE #There is SOMETHING OFF #I’m not hallucinating #I just want to function better have more quality of life #but to do that I need more shit checked and getting to that point #has always been an uphill years long battle...#and I need to know I can do it one more time

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thegirlwholied · 3 years

Note

Omg I can’t with sams grey wig I just burst out laughing it was so bad😳 and he just looked constipated. On a different note though I had the same thought as you that the masked men were gonna be normal, which would have given it a different spin. And I kept thinking during deans death scene that he was pranking Sam - it felt so weird to kill bc of being impaled something when he’s survived so much worse. But I guess that might have been the point idk

Old Man Sam looked like he was wearing a Halloween professor costume! Some blame must go to the makeup department but, I’m sure they tried. Putting them in that situation is down to writing.

I can’t believe I’m about to give the Vampire Diaries finale, another show I skipped MANY seasons of, credit... but at least when doing *their* afterlife ending & indicating characters eventually died of old age they did not go the cheesy bad makeup route! LOST’s finale also looking pretty good in comparison now. (Afterlife endings are not my jam, to say the least, but out of the afterlife endings that come to mind, LOST’s is solid).

Tell-not-show does have some advantages! There is a time to tell and a time to show! There is a time to leave things mysterious and open-ended and a time to spell shit the fuck out!

For instance, that Jack!God let there still be vampires around. Why he left them around, OK, I still think we could have used at least a line of speculation there, but leave that a question. That he left them around -- spell it out! Especially when we see Sam & Dean looking for ‘weird stuff’ and all they find initially is a pie festival. We don’t even know if there’s anything to find anymore!

& when the villains of the episode did not do anything that clearly marked them as supernatural and not crazy cult evil humans -- until we see that guy wake up with the bullet in his head, we can’t be sure Sam/Dean are right, that they are vampires, because we’ve gotten no post-Jack confirmation monsters are still around! Did the writers just assume the audience would assume all the ‘hunting things’ are automatically back? Or were they intentionally trying to make us wonder if Sam & Dean are killing humans for a sec?? I lean toward the latter, as the episode played with a few too many trying-to-be-clever fakeouts.

I think it’s a mistake that weakened the writing, either way, and a minor example of the episode’s overall issues. Supernatural used to be masterful at the balancing act between showing & leaving to the imagination: the ultimate example being Castiel’s shadow wings & that whole season 4 premiere really. Did we really need to see Sam in hospice, or couldn’t Bobby’s line about time passing differently have cut it? Did we need more from the son than the tattoo and a pull-away shot of him from behind, in flannel with long hair? Did we really?

Meanwhile we went from Sam going to Austin, apparently to fight on alone, to Sam-with-son, with zero transition. We get Faceless Wife, with not even, y’know, a phone call to or from Eileen or a line confirming if she’s alive or dead. Those... might have been more useful to show.

I agree how simple the death is was definitely the point. It was a poorly-delivered point.

So okay, it’s the ‘one good day’ ending. And I’m quoting Spike’s speech on Buffy in calling it that. How does a Slayer lose, how does a Slayer die? And that speech is precipitated by Buffy having a close call: she gets beat, on a random patrol, by one random vampire. Not multiple vampires, not a super-vampire, and it jars her, leading her to look into what happened to her predecessors. What’s ultimately, presumably, going to happen to her, no matter how many stronger foes she’s taken down. All the bad guys need is one good day.

In and of itself it’s a good concept. It’s a pretty natural concept for the Winchesters. Except where in the story it’s placed makes it feel wrong; it both had too much and too little buildup (the wrong kind of buildup!); and the execution was just... horrible.

Namely, the ‘one good day’ ending does not work the same week you beat God, or even a god. And especially not when new!God is basically your kid who loves you. A handwave of ‘hands off’ doesn’t cut it. And it was a handwave ~ very generic, no specific rules of the road of what Jack can and cannot do or why he’d choose not to save them.

...I also kind of feel we passed the ‘one brother lives a normalish life without the other’ cutoff a good few seasons ago ago. It was believable enough when we leave Dean there in s5 - painful but it worked! The pain was part of why it worked! But they’ve re-committed to the forever fight so many times now, it’s too *late* for the ending to feel right with just one of them. Also to what extent is Sam’s life normal v. still active in hunting? I’d rather have a sense of that than how he died!

So, so many tweaks could have improved this episode. So. Many. On a big-picture level, yes, I wish the entire thing was totally different. But assuming we’re stuck with the same basic bones you could *still* fix so much.

I keep thinking how satisfying the opening scene would have been, with a young mother & father home with their two young boys, if that scene ended with Sam & Dean busting in and saving them. That’s what they do, that’s the whole point: to keep from what happened to their family to happening to others.

If more time had passed, between their fight against *God* and the random fight that takes Dean down -- there is a time to montage and a time not to montage!

Instead of Sam & Dean’s random morning, we could have gotten them back on the road for an indeterminate stretch, we could have seen them going through pictures & trying to find the precious few they’ve actually taken with Castiel & Jack, interrupting a crossroads deal, exchanging emails with Claire or Jody etc -- there are ways to include characters even when you can’t actually show them! -- that also would have worked better.

And then, if you were going to ‘one good day’ it, then imho it should have been more classic. On Buffy, ‘classic’ is the Slayer v. one, ordinary vampire - that’s the whole point of fearing that day. I guess Supernatural’s writers decided a nest of very un-vampiric vampires wearing creepy masks was ‘classic’ for them. But especially after the first hour of looking back at the show’s roots... not much of an urban legend, there. That’s what I missed the most in these last eps: the sense of legend.

#supernatural #supernatural spoilers #answers #the happy few

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gobindpsingh · 6 years

Text

Human god..

Why be a king when u can be a god,

Be the prince and stay away from being the toad,

I am no modern day Buddha

No modern day Christ,

I feel like a new god,

God who also did the wrong and did the right,

I work on achieving improving and growing my skills,

I am god who works hard and still pay his bills,

Laughter crafted drafter of the pain,

I use the power of laughter to do some gain,

Slowing the hurt slowing insane,

Making sure the healing makes us sane,

Walking on the hard shells the spikes of the life,

Never turning back even when my back is full of knives ,

Knowing the irony discomfort some people give,

Mostly are forgiven but some do the doings we can't forgive,

Spreading hatred fear that's how some people win,

I am god bcs I dnt do those sins,

People call me crazy hazy and all kinda crap,

But when they read my words written from this brain,

They feel they r trapped,

Trapped into questions thinking of who I am,

Is he a joker or is he the one who says yes the best I am,

He calls himself a devil

He calls himself the grim reaper,

He says he is from the hell the real hell which is even deeper,

They won't know who I am

They can never say what I can be,

I am god and not a bot,

Hell i don't wanna be a king when I can be the god..

Peace

Gobind

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lizmahony-blog · 7 years

Text

145 Days

One year ago the phone rang with the long awaited phrase, “Jon, we have a donor on the table”. The following account is the messages I sent to our family and friends during the hours, days and months following this call for bilateral lung transplant surgery at UT Southwestern Hospital in Dallas, Texas.

April 14, 2016:

This is difficult to write – Jon is back in OR. All of numbers post surgery were in positive range, but his heart rhythms were difficult to manage so resulted in very erratic behavior, then his heart stopped. He was paddled 5 times and then opened up for cardiac massage. He left the room heart stabilized but docs need to understand rhythm problems and be cooled down for next few days for fear of neurological impact from the heart stoppage. We won’t know anything neurologically for a few days. He will be deeply sedated and kept cold for at least 48 hours. The risk is stroke and other neurological problems. I’m well informed and feel very well supported by all of you and staff here.

Just spoke w/lead doctor who took Jon to OR and brought him back w/CPR. Jon’s heart is stable – no additional support needed – not back on bypass, no ecmo (to oxygenate the blood externally). Dr. had done 500 transplants and has never seen anything like this happen. Jon’s heart had to be charged over 5 times to respond. But it did respond. What happened in OR just now is best possible outcome bc back in rhythm without additional external support outside of meds. Neurological problems cannot be assessed at this point. Doc did say that brains of people with PH (pulmonary hypertension, which is what Jon has) are “used” to low O2 function. He will be chilled for 24 hours at least and then warmed to determine next steps.

I have spent the last hour with Jon. I was given permission to go in and hold his hand and be with him. He's being cooled for 24 hours as I have mentioned. The hope is if there was a lack of blood profusion to his brain, this will combat the effects. His pupils are responsive but he has not moved deliberately. It is too soon to tell. When I was holding his hand, he definitely was resisting my attempts to straighten his fingers - possibly because he's cold and clinching his fist.

Cardiology came in to discuss what the hell happened?? The consensus is he is vulnerable to long QT (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/long-qt-syndrome/basics/definition/con-20025388) and the medicine he was on extended the length of QT and sent him into arrhythmia which would have been fatal had it not been fast acting UT staff. The long QT is most likely a result of the trauma of surgery.

He will be on medicine to help stabilize his heart during the recovery phase.

We are not out of the woods. But his lungs are working so far - 98% on room air. Baby steps today.

Shift change so I have an update - Jon's cardiac output is 2.5 - anything above 2.0 is what good looks like. He was on three heart medications and now down to one to help his heart function while it gets used to new lungs.

The star of the show that's been overlooked is our new, healthy lungs. They are doing great and apparently were a great pair for Jon. O2 stat is steady at 100% saturation on room air.

Jon is heavily sedated and again remains medically paralyzed while we wait for the 24 hour hypothermia treatment. He is not out of the woods but is trending up which gives me hope with reservation.

I am deeply grateful for your texts, your prayers, your unending support and love for my Jon. The nurse who first responded today and remained his nurse is Lili. She saved his life. I gave her a big hug from all of us and said there are so many people who are grateful for you.

I'm a little over 20 hours without his voice. I'm a little over 40 hours since sleep. I'm headed to hotel for a rest and will keep you posted with news. Hoping a quiet night.

April 15, 2016:

Good morning. Jon had a quiet night - his heart was stable and lungs continue to function well. He had a chest x ray this morning and everything looks the same as yesterday. They are slowly lowering the heart medicine and weaning him off to see how he does, so far so good. The cardiac output I mentioned last night (2.0 is threshold) is up to 3.5 which is good news for heart function (Lili our nurse is back this morning and gave a big thumbs up).

His lungs will be suctioned out today which is normal procedure for lung transplant patients bc all the nerves are not there anymore and he can't cough.

Today is a waiting game. They will slowly, very slowly start warming him up. This process can affect his heart negatively so low and slow is the plan. Once he's warm, they will wean of the paralyzing medicine and then the sedation. Then we wait and see what he does.

I'm anxious and hopeful. Thank you for everything. I slept last night which is definitely helpful.

I'll try to keep it short tonight but wanted to give an update beyond he's awake!!! He continues to be responsive and even shared a big smile. Now the recovery begins for the lungs which is arduous and difficult. The heart incident does not help but thankfully the UT staff is equipped and so knowledgable with transplants, he's in amazing hands. The respiratory specialist said his lungs are working "beautifully".

As great as it is to have Jon "back" - his alertness complicates the recovery bc he is uncomfortable especially with the vent in his lungs so he will continue to be heavily sedated. The game plan - rest and recover.

So today was (pardon my words but this is Jon's new catch phrase) "pretty fucking good!

April 16, 2016:

Good morning. I've been with Jon all morning so away from my updates. All in all - a good night. His vitals stayed strong, he spiked a bit of a fever but nothing too alarming and probably expected with the second chest opening during the code.

The surgeon and lead transplant doc on call came in and we're happy with what they are seeing. The game plan is to continue to wean him off the medicine for his heart and lung output to see what he does. They turned off his "pacers" today which were managing his heart rate at 90 and now 81 on his own 👍🏻

I just checked on him a minute ago and he's watching tv and writing "shower" on a notebook page. All great signs of healing.

Hoping for a quiet day of rest for Jon, doctors orders.

Saturday night update: today had its ups and downs. Jon is much more alert and interactive. Which is a relief given the incident however it also results in Jon communicating how hard this transplant recovery is. The surgeon asked him today "Lung transplant is hard right?" Jon nodded, and then surgeon said "harder than you thought?" Jon nodded furiously. He's frustrated, the tube down his throat is driving him crazy and he's coming off heavy duty sedation - a combo resulting in a lot of stress and agitation. This shows a lot of fight but also affects his pressures and vitals. My one mistake may have been handing him a pen and pad of paper because the kid had some words 😳

So - we wait. The night nurse tonight is the same one who has been with him since Thursday. Cathy doesn't mess around. She's direct, competent, caring and experienced. He's in good hands.

April 17, 2016:

Today is here, give it your attention. Tomorrow is coming, give it your hope. Yesterday is gone, give it your blessing. -Doe Zantamata

Jon is mentally and physically better this morning. Unfortunately 30% of the patients who have a cardiac event post surgery end up in AFib and God knows Jon doesn't want to be left out so he's in AFib. I spoke with his surgeon this morning and he is not at all concerned. He said he anticipates Jon coming out of it on his own.

All the numbers that should be trending down are doing so, numbers that should be trending up are doing so as well.

Tomorrow the tube comes out and the real work begins. I'm more rested, he's coming around and we are ready to kick some ass.

PFG my friends.

Quick Sunday night update: Jon was up most of day. Very anxious and a bit frustrated with progress. His heart still in AFib and is being monitored but doesn't seem to alarm any of the medical professionals.

He had the pen again and would like to "go for a walk, have a drink, stand up, how's boo, char char" and the heartbreaker "I miss you".

Later in the afternoon his stats started to drop and he needed a "bronc" - essentially cleaning out his lungs for him because can't cough or anything on his own with vent.

Following that procedure - they decided to add another medicine for him to be sedated. As great as it is to have him communicate - most often when you're intubated you're not awake - so he's agitated and not resting which will negatively affect his healing. I'm much happier with him sedated bc there's nothing I can do to help him so unhappy with the tube down his throat.

The good news - he's stable, the bad news the vent will most likely stay in another day.

Anyone want to tell him? 😖😳

We have another day so PFG and here's to rest.

April 19, 2016:

When they said this was going to be a roller coaster they weren't kidding. Yesterday was a bad day in terms of what Jon's lungs looked and sounded like from Sunday to Monday. And in typical Mahony fashion, the X-ray didn't show what a typical bad lung X-ray shows. Then when they went in and did a "bronc" expecting mucus, or secretions it was essentially nothing. So is it rejection? Usually happens 96 hours post transplant, he's further out. Is it pneumonia? Doesn't happen this soon. So our rock star Doc threw in her words "kitchen sink treatment" to see what would work. Essentially antibiotics, steroids, and deep sedation.

Also when they performed an echo for his heart there's damage on his left ventricle from the code - Doc ran it by cardiology and they think it's a "stun" injury and should come back.

Something seemed to work - this morning his X-ray much improved, his fever untreated at 99.8, his blood gas measuring o2 in his blood better, kidney function is normal for his baseline, BP great. Heart rate 😳 well he can't be perfect? Its between 90 - 120.

Plan today is to continue to be sedated and rest. I'm digging deep because roller coasters aren't really my thing especially with my Jon driving.

April 20, 2016:

Wednesday - one week since we had the call. Jon continues to stay the same, maybe has improved a tad today although he has a fever again. Still sedated.

Rockstar Doc did a bronc - and found a "typical" bronc for post lung transplant. She has ordered a ct scan of his lungs to see if there is any infection in the outer lining of the lungs.

I'm told patience is a virtue daily by many of the medical staff. Before he went into surgery they explained how I wouldn't be allowed in the room but could stand and see him at the glass. Jon said "you will have to get her a chair because she won't leave". Truer words never spoken. I'm standing watch and he's fighting like hell.

April 22, 2016:

Friday - often heard is no news is good news, in our case no news is no news. Jon has a fever from an unknown cause. They have checked every little bit of him with no result of infection. They have thrown antibiotics, anti fungals, anti everything and the fever persists. There has been ct scan of lungs and Doctor said "nothing horrible" - which is high praise from Rockstar. The nurses are doing their very best to make him comfortable and bring his fever down with cooling blankets, his room is about 65 degrees etc. He remains sedated.

Yesterday during his sedation vacation he wouldn't respond to the doctor's requests - she asked me to come in to try and I scrubbed in, literally have to scrub in. I walked up close and said "hi hon" eyes wide open, asked him to squeeze my hand, move his feet etc. he did everything. It was a relief and I said "start listening to the doc!" This morning a nurse went in while he was stirring and asked him again all the same reactions, and he was kicking his feet, squeezing etc. He's there just so doped it's hard to get him out of it - also can we say Irish? That kid is stubborn.

Slow and steady wins the race? Patience is a virtue? Good things come to those who wait?

I'm not sure but I sure do miss him.

April 24, 2016:

Sunday night: I hoped to write Jon was "tube free" but alas...god knows he tried - when rockstar doc bronc'D him today she quickly realized Jon had worked the tube out of placement and basically "out" so extubating himself - this was not the plan so they intubated him again. Thankfully he handled It better than he has one week ago in that his stats didn't drop and take most of day to recover. No other news. Baby steps again. I'm patient and hopeful. I miss my boys and girl terribly. I miss Jon. So hug your loved close for us.

April 25, 2016:

”Do not wonder why things are “taking so long.” In fact, everything is rolling out exactly as it needs to, using not a minute more than Perfection requires. Rest easy and be at peace. Life is working its magic even as you take your very next breath.” – Neale Donald Walsch.

A good reminder today. It's Monday, we had a relatively quiet weekend. Baby steps in terms of progress but there was progress. Today rockstar doc announced Jon was a "run of the mill" transplant patient - high praise given our ordeal over the last 12 days.

Hoping for a continued upward trend ride but I've learned enjoy today, tomorrow will come soon enough.

April 28, 2016:

It's Thursday - officially two weeks since surgery. We had an eventful beginning of the week, Jon was off the vent all day Tuesday and then unfortunately a clot traveled to his lungs and it was a struggle for his system. Thanks for the quick action and care of the UT staff he was re-intubated and medically treated to help with the situation. This incident was scary and unexpected but has brought to light some heart function issues that can now be addressed as his lungs are settling into his system. The last two days have been low stimulation recovery days and it's been nicely quiet for him without incident and a steady improvement of all vital signs. I'm hopeful and keeping the faith. Thank you for your continued texts, emails, calls and thoughts - I feel so well supported and loved. All the help everyone is offering in KC has been wonderful, thanks so much. Love you all, PFG and breathe easy.

May 1, 2016:

It's Sunday - Jon has been steady and calm since last update. Today was his first "breathing test" on how things are going without the vent but still on vent. So essentially turning vent off but for a bit and letting Jon breathe on his own. It's like breathing through a small straw so no easy task. But we have new pink lovely lungs - which I reminded him many times today - and he was good for 3 hours and then truly was exhausted. So "knowledge is power" and hiss lungs are working - he needs some stamina and strength which is no surprise given what he has been through and time in ICU.

We also had our first PT/OT session on Saturday. So I watched and learned what to do and have had 5 more sessions of PT/OT with me. Jon was thrilled. 😬

In other news there's a 23 year old from Overland Park, KS named Katie who got her lungs Friday - she's across the hall from Jon and her family is lovely. So I'm thinking of her tonight.

Cheers friends. I'm surviving and I'm grateful for Jon's eye rolls when I announce its time for PT. But God knows I miss my kids so hug yours and if you see mine, hug them from mom (probably more eye rolls).

May 3, 2016:

"Be patient. Be content with small steps. You will get there."

It's Tuesday and in the words of our Dr Rajen, a good day in the ICU is a good day. Jon remains on the vent but was able to breathe on his own for over two hours, building strength. He also worked with PT and sat on the edge of the bed for 7 mins with help. There was a bronc procedure and his left lung is "pristine" and right was pretty good.

The conclusion is his lungs are not the problem, as suspected it's his heart that's slowly recovering and in turn affecting the process of next steps. The magical question is how do we get to the next level - move off vent and protect his heart during the transition? Dr Rajen will balance this with meds for some time post vent. Jon will continue OT, PT and breathing therapy.

So I went to post office today at 12 and standing next to me was a guy in a PFG shirt, honest to God (admittedly it was Professional Fishing Gear) but a god reminder that today is pretty fucking good.

May 7, 2016:

Saturday update - my dear friend Jody sends me a quote every night and I've become quite reliant on her texts - this one seems to sum up my Jon's week:

"Of course life's a bitch...if it was a slut it would be easy!"

Life has not been easy for Jon but today he's been off the vent for more than 24 hours, on and off Bipap all day and all vitals holding steady right where docs want them.

We have a long road to go after what has happened over the course of the last three weeks. A lot of strength building and muscle training through OT and PT. I have watched Jon fight like mad and have no doubt there's more fight left. Before surgery he found bracelets for the 5 of us with TICDA - today I can do anything. He's living it, my kids are living it and I'm doing my best.

I have no doubt there are more ups and downs in the coming days. Thank you for your ongoing endless support. We all know Jon's that guy you cheer for and I'm so grateful to be his wife.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommas! And today is PFG ❤️

May 10, 2016:

Tuesday - hey Jon fans - quite update Jon has made some incredible progress since last update. He has three types of therapy daily - speech for swallowing, OT for daily function and PT for rebuilding strength. He's off all IV meds for his heart function and lungs are at 100% on 2 liters of O2. Just a point of reference Jon was on 10 liters with stat of 92% just one month ago. The doctors are pretty amazed at what's happening. And none of us are surprised but he's pretty much the hero of the CVICU.

His voice has not come back but he's able to whisper and hearing "I Love You" yesterday for the first time since April 13th was well, there's not really words.

Don't get me wrong - Jon has a long road of recovery ahead but at least now some of it is in his hands and his effort.

That Mahony is one tough Irish man and I'm so grateful for not only Jon but for the UT staff who have become dear friends, and all of you.

May 13, 2016:

Friday - one month post op. We were warned that the first 30 days would be critical and difficult. True on both counts - couple new lungs and cardiac arrest, critical and difficult doesn't even begin to cover it.

So here we are. Jon is sitting next to me in a regular chair - this is not an easy task as he has suffered myopathy from the lengthy recovery in ICU and essentially not moving for 21 days but nonetheless he's in the chair, off the vent, on room air and fighting like hell.

Dr Kaza today was absolutely amazed when she walked in and Jon said "Dr Kaza, good to see you." Everyone in the room cried a little bit.

He will remain in ICU for the weekend to ensure consistency of care and then barring any other complications will be moved to the "floor" next week. Dr Kaza is also moving to the floor next week for 10 days so that will be reassuring to Jon and me for her quality of care is nothing less than excellent.

It's been PFG today - although the reality is settling in for Jon about how much strength he's lost. Thanks to modern medicine and machine there is a lot of ways he can get stronger through PT and OT.

So happy Friday and we've decided to celebrate in Hawaii next June - y'all are invited.

May 16, 2016:

Monday - Jon has new digs. He has graduated from ICU to a floor. It's a big deal actually because essentially everyone on the team agrees he's "well enough to" not be monitored as closely and can focus on PT, OT and Swallowing. I'm the only one hesitant because some of the people I've met on 9 South will be my friends for life and seeing them everyday was comforting.

Jon is one hell of a patient - so strong willed and appreciative. The fact he has new lungs and a new future is starting to settle in. Unfortunately with how difficult the initial 30 days were, we haven't celebrated or even contemplated this new chance. This is all normal according to our pals here at UT but new for us. I remember hoping and planning for this surgery and subsequent outcome but what's the saying "Make plans, God laughs."

So here we are, 10 South. I have no doubt the quality of care is just as excellent but I may press nine every once in a while for some 9 South love.

Btw the gal from Kansas Katelyn - is kicking some double lung transplant ass - Striding with Strube's is her Facebook page and if you're having a hard day - go check out this family and you'll be amazed, grateful and inspired.

PFG friends and with optimism, breathe easy and deeply.

May 19, 2016:

Thursday - or in other words "sh#% it's already Thursday?!" Jon has continued steady slow progress in the hospital. He has about 2 hours of therapy a day. The physical side of his ICU stint is nothing less than alarming for Jon. He went into surgery the night of April 13, listened to Dave Matthews (his request) and essentially woke up 3.5 weeks later unable to stand and no memory of wtf happened. No surprise it's a emotionally challenging time. But thankfully he has me to encourage him in addition to an amazing team at UT who have adopted Team Mahony and their motto - and we're here to get him to the goal line, to our future and to our second chance...wait third or is it the fourth? So there's encouragement, there's all of your messages and a little ass kicking.

On Monday he moving to a rehab hospital dedicated to getting him stronger with a program designed for him. He will have a strict schedule of therapy - good news he's medically stable enough to move to rehab the bad news it's a bit terrifying when you're working on standing.

We all know he's up to it - he knows he's up to it and in the words of our fav coach "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose"!

Our 18 year wedding anniversary is Tuesday. Because of UT Southwestern and the donor there is a real hope we have at several years together. On April 12 of this year we hoped to make it to 19.

PFG friends, breathe easy and deeply.

May 23, 2016:

We have hit day 40 - considering we almost didn't make it past day 2 it's quite an accomplishment. I'm happy to say we are moved to the Rehab hospital up the street and Jon is ready to begin getting his strength and "body" back so he can actually enjoy his new lungs. Rehab is not for the weary - it's intense and daunting but as I'm sure no one is surprised, Jon is incredibly motivated. So tomorrow at 8:00 AM he will be evaluated and the schedule will be set.

This hospital is part of the UT system so he will be followed by same docs and in fact, the wonderful Dr Kaza is on the Zales rotation this week. It seems as though our stars are aligned or Dr Kaza is pretty clear she's getting Jon to the goal line of discharge (we also found out our youngest Abigail shares a birthday with her youngest daughter).

We have a new anthem - "Rise Up" by Andra Day..."I'll rise up in spite of the ache and I'll rise up 1000 times again" give the girl some love and check it out on ITunes.

May 26, 2016:

Our Jody nails it again with her nightly quote-

"I demolish my bridges behind me…then there is no choice but forward.” – Firdtjof Nansen

Day 1 in rehab was alarming for both Jon and me because of all the evaluations and subsequent reality of what's happened to Jon physically. I'll paint a picture - lost 40 pounds, muscles so tight in his legs neither can be straightened, his skin is so taut around his incision when he applies pressure with his arms for balance to sit up right he has opened his chest wound - and required a visit from wound care. And how was the play Mrs Lincoln? 😖

We were defeated, overwhelmed and weeping.

We hit day four today - he stood yesterday with assistance for 14 minutes, the goal for the therapists was 10 mins by next Wednesday. He needs one person to help him move from one apparatus to another, on Monday he had three therapists helping, the goal was two people by next Wednesday. He's blowing the medical staff out of the water.

Today was the medical team meeting with the us - they all have decided they need new goals, the attending doctor on the floor read his chart Sunday night and expected a much different person than who is "sitting"'unassisted during the meeting. Jon responded "you hadn't met me yet."

PFG friends, breathe easy and deeply and thank you Jon is kicking some serious ass in rehab - it's humbling to watch. He's one of a kind and on a mission...can't wait for you all to enjoy our future.

June 2, 2016:

Quote of the day "your lungs look perfect" - Dr Mahanka.

Jon had a Bronc this morning for his "lung hygiene" - and those babies are working great.

Rehab as I have mentioned is no walk in the park - Jon works 3 hours a day with some of the most incredibly kind, capable and tough therapists at Zale. They have extremely high expectations and goals for Jon. I watch him hesitantly accept their challenges and then overcome each one, I understand why the bar is set so high.

We had a weekend with the kids last weekend and I must say we must be doing something right because it was incredible to watch my kids show up in the most positive way for Jon. Charlie encouraging Jon through all his therapies - a true cheerleader and Jack spending all afternoon with Jon so he wouldn't be alone. And then Abby - simply holding his hand and adorning his room with all her art she made while we've been away. We all know my kids aren't perfect but goodness it was inspiring this weekend to watch our kids be stellar.

I move into an apartment today - that's a big step for me because I wasn't sure on April 14th if we would continue with our plans and now here we are, Jon's alive, building strength, breathing at 100% on room air...PFG.

Breathe easy and deeply friends.

June 10, 2016:

Friday - 8 weeks post transplant: it's been a big week down here in Dallas - Jon has continued his 3 plus hours of rehab a day and this week he has been able to stand with walker assistance and walked (again with assistance of the parallel bars) his first steps since April 13. He continues to gain strength and confidence.

In addition - he passed part of the swallow test today and will be enjoying a diet of puréed foods. This is a huge milestone in lung transplant ville.

And with the highs there was a low, he had a CT Scan of his lungs and there's some unexplained inflammation on the right side which suggests acute rejection - this happens in 70% of lung transplant patients so no one is too alarmed and the treatment is three days of large doses of steroids.

The most notable change for me is his overall demeanor...I'm happy to say "he's back" - feisty, Irish and ready to get back to our wonderful life.

In other news - I had my hair cut and I'm here to tell you I left the salon "closer to God" as a Dallas blond 😬.

June 17, 2016:

Friday 9 weeks post transplant - Jon officially walking with a walker, stronger ever day and so handsome. His discharge date is set for next Wednesday and both of us are cautiously optimistic.

Unfortunately much of this week was waiting for results from a lung biopsy - there is a spot on his lower right lobe - rejection? Inflammation? Last week it was treated with a shit load of steroids and this week after a chest X-ray the transplant team met on Tuesday and decided a biopsy was necessary. This is no easy task for Jon because he's on blood thinners due to the amount of blood clots in system from the length of stay in ICU and the PE in his lungs. So a shot of vitamin K, blood tests, hope and prayer. Today our rehab Doctor who follows Jon and has become a dear friend walked into our PT session. My heart dropped bc I knew she knew something and had to share. I'm definitely the Debbie downer of the family so assumed the worst - well not today friends...there's no sign of rejection. There's something there - probably from pulmonary embolism but not rejection. We will know more when we talk with transplant and we will have more hurdles but today well...PFG.

One last note...it's Father's Day weekend and my Jon is one of the best and so are all of you. So Happy Father's Day Daddys.

June 25, 2016:

Day 3 at "home" - Jon was successfully discharged from the rehab on Wednesday. It was the bittersweet to say goodbye to our rehab team - a lot of tears and so much mutual admiration. It was humbling to work with such accomplished young women and also alarming when we discussed movies or music tastes and they looked at us blankly - maybe the 20 year age difference 😳

But we're home. Jon is a warrior in this game of life - exercises every morning, a million meds to take and then down in the exercise room for the apartment riding the bike 30 mins - mask on.

Today was a little pampering with a fresh shave and haircut from one the kindest most gentle men I've ever met. You would have thought Jon was his very own brother by the way he carefully took care of Jon.

We just have Abby right now as boys are in Kansas and Colorado for fun and it's been a treat. She not only has lost 4 teeth, her favorite word is "aloha", she reads everything and when we passed "hooters" she announced "I call it hoots". Keeping it real.

We have our first clinic visit Monday, continue wound care due to part of his chest incision that refuses to heal - may end up in an oxygen chamber 2 hours a day, 5 days a week to hasten process....god knows this hasn't been easy, but we know it's worth it.

So life goes on. Texas is as hot as they say but we are so flipping grateful to be home together, helping each other and enjoying every fucking minute.

PFG, breathe easy, enjoy the weekend and Jody quote of the night...

"Dance. Smile. Giggle. Marvel. TRUST. HOPE. LOVE. WISH. BELIEVE. Most of all, enjoy every moment of the journey, and appreciate where you are at this moment instead of focusing on how far you have to go." -Mandy Hale

July 11, 2016:

"I'm blessed with everything I need. I am working hard towards everything I want. And most of all I appreciate everything I have" -Unknown

Well the good news - we are "very good" transplant patients meaning we caught a nasty GI infection in Jon early but not before he was severely dehydrated which required hospitalization. So back at Clements - fluids, antibiotics and constant monitoring. As things go for the Mahony's it got worse before it got better and we are on the upswing.

While in-patient - the docs decided to check in on his heart - I'm sure you all remember - it had a rough start as in had to be started after surgery. This week we found out his right side which was in complete "failure" on April 13, so large in size cardiologists would gasp (I'm not kidding and he was a "heart failure" specialist") is NORMAL - in size and cardiac output. We are not even 12 weeks post transplant and we have this result. The left side remains "injured" due to the cardiac arrest, at the 6 month mark we hope see some left heart improvement.

One last note - our time in Dallas has been difficult because of Jon's health journey but we have met the most incredibly kind, loving and smart people we've ever met. We grieve with them this past week as they lost not only lives but a sense of safety.

Breathe easy and deeply dear ones.

July 29, 2016:

106 days, 22 hours and 3 minutes since the lung transplant journey began. Some days flew by, some days felt like 2 combined into one. We have faced more in the last 106 days than most survive in a lifetime. This is due to expert medical care, a selfless donor, hope, prayer, a community of all of you and Jon's will.

As of 2 PM today, we have the green light to go home. Yesterday Dr Wait (Jon's second surgeon after his heart stopped) happened to be in clinic. We asked the nurse if he had time, could be stop in and see us. I will tell you something, the pure elation and joy Dr Wait showed when Jon stood up to shake his hand was life changing. "I am so proud of you Jon - a lessor man would not have survived...and your wife, boy she shared some looks with me but never left your side". It was enough.

We are ready. We are grateful and Pretty Fucking Good has been upgraded to Pretty Fucking Amazing.

Breathe easy and deeply friends.

August 26, 2016:

19 weeks post transplant

I hoped to write a much different update from the last three weeks than what will follow - but we have to start with the good...It's really just the moments that have made the past three weeks amazing - Jon able to drive kids to school, hockey try outs, jeep rides with Jack and a couple of dates. Not asking for much frankly, just being able to be together as he continues to heal.

The bad...Unfortunately this changed this week with a slight decrease in lung function which lead to a clinic visit at KU revealing a cloudy cheat X-ray suggesting pneumonia. This landed Jon in the ER which when hooked up to monitors heart rate was 150 beats 😖.

The ugly...Fast forward to today - an air ambulance flew Jon to UT Southwestern bc he a. Has an infection and b. At KU he had a cardiac event that led to pulmonary edema and is back on the vent. One of my favorite doctors in Kansas was "on" when this happened and worked quickly to help Jon and save his life. Dr Crosser happens to be the doctor who arranged our meetings at Texas from one year ago when he was so sick. He immediately called Dr Kaza to share the update and put the phone down to say "Texas wants him" I said "what do I do?" His reply - "they're not asking".

So here we are - the possibilities - pneumonia, acute rejection, etc etc. The good news - Jon and I are quick to respond to any change and after the bronch today - there was optimism. UT is throwing kitchen sink at him until something "grows" - antibiotics, anti rejection meds, steroids and a full Cardiac evaluation. Currently - he's on the vent but so little support and at 100% I assume he will be off tomorrow, heart rate controlled and in sinus rhythm and all in all doing well.

Apparently the first year post transplant is difficult - or so I've been told. Currently my screen on my watch is "...on the bright side I'm not addicted to cocaine" pretty much sums it up.

Breathe deeply and easy friends - would love your powerful thoughts for my Jon.

August 30, 2016:

Not the ones speaking the same language, But the ones sharing the same feeling Understand each other. Rumi

Quick update - lungs are...wait for it...good. There is some pneumonia (infiltrate) in the right lung. Maybe due to aspiration from liquid or food but very treatable.

So what the hell happened?? Essentially Jon's heart is still struggling with the new lung scenario. Why can't they just get along??

Thankfully because of what happened at KU - the heart has become a main concern of transplant in Dallas and EP cardiology and cardiology are involved. What has been uncovered is Jon has an electrical issue which is affecting his heart rate and complicating simple issues aka minor pneumonia and a structural issue with a valve in his left ventricle.

Both issues can be resolved with time but have to be treated properly with the right meds that will not stress his system or mess with our fresh lungs, no easy task.

So in short - it was good something happened because the heart needs extra help during the remodeling process and now we have the right information with further testing and evaluations.

Breathe easy and deeply friends - thank you for sharing the same feeling with us.

September 5, 2016:

"Life doesn't happen to you, it happens FOR you". -Tony Robbins

Quick Labor Day update about Jon. We are back on 35 headed north. Jon was released from UT yesterday - best he has felt leaving the hospital since April.

So what happened? As I mentioned in my previous updates - Jon's heart was continue to struggle with the new lung scenario. This is unfortunately a side effect of having severe end stage pulmonary hypertension prior to a lung transplant. We met with Dr Doom and Gloom heart failure and the electrophysiology cardio group. At first we discussed adding medication to better help Jon's heart remodel during this lengthy recovery but there are so many complications and side effects with these medications plus the transplant meds, other options were explored.

On Friday morning - Jon had an ablation procedure of his left ventricle. There were three areas that were in arterial flutter causing a lot of problems - the ventricle performs the squeezing function of the heart so not being rate controlled unfortunately worsens the overall function of the heart.

The procedure was a success and Jon's heart is in sinus rhythm. So now the remodeling process should be possible with the new lungs in time.

The last five months have taught us a lot about time and life, the quote from Tony Robbins rings so true - we are so grateful to continue to uncover and live through experiences that will help Jon live the best life for him.

Breathe easy, thank you yet again for your unending support and friendship.

#lung transplant #utsouthwestern #first145days #beadonor

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