#but they gave me so much back pain

[feathers-silly-rambles]

OH!!! OH!!!

DO YOU SEE THIS??

DO YOU SEE IT??

SHE'S TOUCHING HIS SHOULDER!!

Oh mah gawd. He doesn't let anyone touch him unless they're his friends.

If they aren't his friends, he'll either lean away or wipe off his hand. He hates being touched if he's not the one initiating it, to the point of wiping his sleeve off when Lucifer's hat just BARELY grazed against it.

He didn't wipe his shoulder off when Charlie stopped touching him either.

AND!!!

And!!!

Before You Say 'He did lean away', or 'She wasnt actually touching him, her hand was just near him', Take A Look At This!!

Look closely at how he moves when she splits them up. He doesn't lean away, she SHOVED him. She actively MOVED him. That wasn't an 'oh she's making contact with me, guess I should lean away', it was a 'well she's shoving me now, I'll shut up for a minute'.

Which also proves she WAS touching him. She couldn't have shoved him if she wasn't making contact.

He didn't lean away from it, he didn't retaliate. The ONLY people he lets touch him are people he cares for. And not only did she put her hand on his shoulder, she actively pushed him back, and he showed no sign of discomfort towards it. So why am I screaming about this?

Because he DOES care! It proves he cares for her. Don't get me wrong, I still think saying he's her 'dad' is a bit of a strech, but he does care enough to let her touch him. He doesn't dislike or even have a neutral opinion on her. She's his friend, even if just a little bit.

Just an edit to clarify; I know 'friends' is probably also not the best word to use, but it's just the easiest way for me to describe it.

#hazbin hotel #alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #lucifer #hazbin hotel lucifer #charlie #hazbin hotel charlie #feathers rambling #screenshots #please debate with me if you don't think this is right #the best way to see if my theory is solid is if people try to poke holes in it #spoilers #episode 5 #hazbin hotel spoilers #you have no idea how much trouble gave me about this post #for some reason it wouldn't let me post it from the app if I added the photos #So I had to go on the website and fight with it there #and go back and forth because I could properly position the images on the website #A big pain #:.)

[sidereon-spaceace]

torn between wanting to make all my ocs Specialest Little Guys and overpowered VS. the fact I just finished watching all three extended editions of Lord of the Rings and am deeply moved by the struggles and worth of the common man

#ramblings #the end of Return of the King gave me many OC Thoughts and now you're going to hear them #might veto the whole 'Funney Big Weapon Guy is also psychic' thing for Sid Sibyl #won't fully un-magic him just cuz i made it a common thing in the setting but like. i might still nerf him a little in that aspect #his whole schtick is that he is aggressively Just A Guy #he's very persistent. won't come back from a job until he found the last crate that fell off the merchant's wagon or whatever #very good at sword-fighting. cuz he trains and spars a lot and eats like a furnace to keep up his strength #his 'high pain tolerance' is something im self-inserting where i won't notice injuries until later. a bit oblivious. just keeps on truckin #an altogether formidable combo but. he is so much Just A Guy #no super strength no immunities no super-charged magic. not even a cursed weapon to give him a leg up #he finally visits his home again and it's confusing why it's not the same as he remembers it- #-when he should have much more in common with old neighbors and vendors at the market than with his cosmically superpowered friends #old sights and sounds and some friends that give him a warm welcome-back but... it's not the same. it's not home. not anymore #from the moment he chose his path he could never go back home #and I feel like the tragedy of that would be undercut if i gave him something like future-vision or a magical sword

[uselessnbee]

what i wish people would also explore more when it comes to Percy is the other side of his feelings about his mom about family and his childhood but this fandom is too afraid to paint Sally even in the slightest bad light (even if it's not bad just acknowledging her flaws because she's a human being and not perfect) that no one will touch on that subject. like yes Sally is the best mom but she also isn't and that's the thing! She isn't perfect! but she tried her best but her best still got Percy hurt and it isn't her fault at all but that's the tragedy of it. i want Percy's feelings about this explored. how he grew up with a loving mom but an abusive step father. how his step father would humiliate him and call him stupid but then his mom soothed him and told him he's not the things Gabe calls him. how Gabe would hurt him and Sally would be there to make him happy and loved but at the same time she stayed with him. i want Percy's feelings explored about how he knows his mother loves him but her absence still hurt him. she would work so much to have money to raise him she did that for him but at the same time it meant Percy was left alone or with Gabe. Sally gave up so much for him, she sent him away to protect him but at the same time he was sent away from his mom. she's the only parent he has because his father is absent and Gabe is not actually a parental figure at all but she's also often absent in his life too and that must have left him with such mixed feelings because it's not all black and white! Sally's love protected him but also hurt him. Percy loves his mom so so so much but there's also this deep-seated bitterness and hurt and anger he never let himself feel and then the guilt for having those feelings because his mom loves him he knows that and she gave up so much for him and she married a monster that abused her to protect him, he knows that but it doesn't make it hurt any less. the mess his emotions are because he knows his mom suffered for him and did it from her love for him but he still desperately wishes she never married that monster that he wouldn't have to have the childhood he had with him that he wouldn't have to live with the trauma he was left with. this all is exactly what makes their relationship so fascinating and also heartbreaking.

or the idea of Percy having weird mixed feelings after Estelle is born because that's his little sister and he loves her with his whole heart and would do anything for her and wants only the best for her but there's also this little jealous monster deep down that wonders why she gets to have a loving mom and a loving dad and a happy normal life but he never got that. why does she deserve it but not him? why couldn't he have that too? doesn't he deserve that too? he was just a child too so why why why??? and then the guilt of feeling that way too it makes me want to scream. emotions are fucking messy and they can be really ugly and they can make you hate yourself and there's no way Percy's feelings aren't a mess when it comes to this and i want to see it explored so badly!

and with Sally too! her feelings about Percy because she did so much and tried her best but sometimes unfortunately your best isn't good enough and it still got her beloved son hurt and she hates it and feels so guilty but she just has to live with that but she can't help to wish it was different. that their lives would be different. better. normal. she can't help but to wish she didn't have to do the things she's done, didn't have to suffer so much just to protect her child. can't help to wish she didn't have to worry so much, didn't have to be so scared about Percy, didn't have to be terrified that one day he won't come back home to her, that she won't be able to hold her son anymore because he will be gone, she just wishes he didn't have to suffer so much, she just wishes and wishes and wishes

and i just wish people weren't so afraid to explore this because it's so heartwrenching and yes if you want something do it yourself but unfortunately i cannot write nor am i able to handle this topic in a way it deserves so i am left only with rambling about it on here thank you

#i am not trying to victim blame or anything i love Sally and she did her best and didn't deserve any of the crap life gave her #but there's just something so tragic about the fact that she married a vile man and suffered abuse to protect her son #just for her decision to hurt him anyways just in a different way but the only other option would probably be Percy ending up dead #so she can't really truly regret it but she just wishes those weren't their only options #that she didn't have to do this just so that her child could stay alive #thinking about it makes me go feral #they had no choice but to suffer there was no way for their lives to be without this much hurt and trauma and it's terrible #and they didn't deserve it but there was so much love too #but the horrible thing is that that love just wasn't enough to save them from all that pain and i need to be sedated bye #percy jackson #sally jackson #pjo #hoo #percy and sally #percy jackon and the olympians #whatever you do don't think about a six years old lonely Percy sitting in a corner waiting for his mom to come back home from work #and he knows she loves him but he misses her so much when she spends so much time in work and that hurts #don't think about a ten years old Percy being sent away to a boarding school and he knows his mom loves him #but what if she's sending him away because he's just too much? or not enough? and what if she doesn't want him anymore? #and he knows that's not true but what if? #i'm thinking it #okay i think that's enough

[sashimiyas]

i know this may just be my indulgence. but i do think osamu and iwaizumi would get along so well

#reinas.inretrograde #there’s this thought in my head where iwaizumi is telling him how he has a friend in america who wants an onigiri miya to open there #because he brought some of his onigiri as an airplane snack and whatever he didn’t finish. he gave to you. #and then iwaizumi adds ‘and for some reason. they also think you’re hot.’ #this is an additional surprise to the information iwaizumi already dropped. but it’s an even more pleasant one and despite trying to remain #unreadable. a smile tugs at his lips. and iwaizumi notices. the man must immediately point it out. #‘oh shit. you actually like that?’ and osamu is easy to quip back. ‘like it’s so bad to be flattered #iwa-san? ain’t everyone gotta be repressed like ya!’ #osamu isn’t able to dodge the jab iwaizumi throws at him. his tactic much more calculated than atsumu’s aimless barrage. ‘im not repressed #im just…’ ‘private?’ osamu finishes for him. iwaizumi turns his face away from the honesty. never been one to look at his feelings in the #eyes. osamu gets it. so he just nods his head while discretely trying to rub away the blooming pain on his bicep. #there’s still that playful negging that iwaizumi will never admit to enjoying. but osamu has a reserved personality that allows iwa to open #just enough and close the conversation before it gets too far #to me! this is real to me!! doesn’t have to be real for you

[theragamuffininitiative]

I watched the doctor donna specials and I have emotions. Also I kinda love fifteen. Also none of those plots made sense but they were still good lol.

I just love the Doctor and his bestie Donna so so much. 😭 she got a happy ending after all 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 and so did he alkdlrfkleldd 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 ok I'm normal I'm fine.

#ragamusings #the doctor donna #doctor who #tenth doctor #fourteenth doctor #donna noble #also how many times was the doctor mortally wounded/dying while wearing that face #bc i feel like it's an alarming number of times #partially bc of his whole crisis about not changing lol but still #anyways if you're david tenant why would you want to change fr #THE HUG FIFTEEN GAVE HIM #like kinda weird to be hugged by yourself but also like fifteen is not himself really? #the bi-regeneration thing is hurting my brain #but it's like the doctor knew he couldn't keep going with all that history and pain holding onto him #so he shed that part of himself in the kindest way to let fourteen heal slowly #albeit while fifteen got the fast track on therapy bc of it lol #don't even look at me about donna i love her so much #i'm so glad she is back to being whole both with her memories and with who she made herself to be since #and now she's made a home for herself and her bestie #also mel???! mel coming back what joy mad auntie mel #and wilf 😭😭😭😭😭😭 my beloved #ok normal normal i'm normal #i was so mad when nph showed up though lol why

[astridthevalkyrie]

everything you see ab being the oldest daughter is true btw why am i the family therapist AND punching bag smh

long ass depressing rant in the tags srry i got a wee bit emotional

#my dad has something going on where there's a ringing in his ear my mom has tendonitis and neck pain now #and i feel for both of them i'm goin to cvs to get the meds giving my mom massages every night talking to my dad to distract him #they're both going to the correct doctors #but just throwing it out there i have had tendonitis and chronic upper back pain for 5-6 years and no one gave a shit most i've gotten is #jokes that i'm faking it #i'm in physical therapy for my back NOW but that's bc i finally crawled out of the depression long enough to do it myself #which is fine whatever i'm 22 i should be the one making my own appointments and it'd be weird if i wasn't #but when i was 16 or 17??? #being hospitalized for STRESS HEADACHES at 14 too??? #who gets hospitalized for that shit and how were my parents not concerned that i at the age of 14 was #so stressed out that my head was pounding all the time #and bc i'm the third parent who has to be the only emotional safe space #i don't say anything if my sisters are rude to me bc at least they feel safe enough around me to be rude to me #i have to listen to everyone and their momma's problems #i'm in law school!!! i do not need this i'm anxious all the time!!! #and if i'm not anxious i'm depressed!!! #my therapist point blank tells me shit like 'you're incredibly lonely' or 'you have way too much on your shoulders' and it makes me CRY #the most basic fucking observations that i KNOW but hearing someone else acknowledge it and not berate me fucking sends me into TEARS #i get messages from online friends here like 'hey i saw your post you don't deserve that' i physically cannot keep my eyes dry!! #every time i have any interaction ever i am at least a little uncomfortable bc i am always trying so hard to make sure i come off as kind #and not awkward or mean #i feel like everyone around me was given some kind of how to manual on life that i wasn't #and i KNOW this is not unique tons and tons of people feel like this #i know this is the depression and the anxiety and the possible autism i'm well aware #but then every couple of days my mom gets the brilliant idea to tell me i'm rude or lazy or whatever and i lose my shit #i just wanna sleep and write fanfics in the nicest way possible i hate everyone #i will try my best to not be mean to anyone bc no one deserves it but i am angry and i am constantly feeling the hurt of my inner child #my MOTHER threw a hardcover book at my HEAD when i was ten bc i had been reading and hid the book under the pillow #what the actual fuck???? #my dad's response to any and everything is to deal with it

[paperconsumption]

what a frustrating individual i’ve encountered

#bro is utterly clueless about other people’s feelings #in a discord server i mention the severe wrist pain the natsume minigame gave me back in the summer. not that i included this part but #it was very scary to have my wrists in near constant pain #they reply to my message with ‘but it was so fun tho’ #okay! good for you! i however had to buy touch screen pens so i could operate my phone painlessly #like the minigame was fun okay. that’s why i played it so much i fucked up my wrists. can you not click respond to my message #about it giving me carpal to share that

[rjshope]

Just in case, i'm still here x)

#i see your messages and i'll answer them i promise! #the thing is at first i took a break from everything for a few days (and ofc the boys went to the military on these days exactly!) #then i tried to use my new laptop and i don't like it #i don't like how the colors look on it (evn tho they were calibrated) so i can't make gifs from it #so maybe i'll sell it and try to buy a proper pc #and also my cat didn't feel well these days #as usually last week of vacation and i am literally a hamster in a wheel nothing new x) #but in the meantime i finished bv3 #and as much as i liked it the scene with jin who was left alone in the bar brought back some painful memories i was literally shaking #so this season gave me mixed and bittersweet feelings in general (at least they gave me yoonjin date) #but now i'm catching up on run bts and i just finished the blue village and it was even more fun than i expected #but both parts of golden bell are my favorites for now😁 #hope y'all are doing better than me💖 i miss you guys

[luxsea]

i heard karlachs monologue was rlly good but holy shit i genuinely dont think i'll be the same after that

#olive.txt #bg3 spoilers #spoilers in tags !! #samantha seriously deserves an award that was soul wrenching #i think back in interviews where they talked abt karlachs trauma and how she reverts into a scared child #the whole encounter w gortash was very much that #and he speaks down to her and calls her a brat #imagine saying ''what do you know about the greater good'' TO THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF GOOD #he doesnt care what he did to her at all but she does care!! he betrayed her and stole her future and there is no closure! #well i felt pretty satisfied i casted a dancing scroll on him and let karlach go to town *youre gonna go far kid plays in the distance* #her pain and anger is so understandable no one deserves this especially not her #the delivery of ''my heart. it was mine. and they took it'' is so incredibly natural and heartbreaking. this scene gave me actual heartburn #shes seemed pretty confident abt dying but i guess in her own words courage isnt fearlessness :( #ugh the part where she just wants you to tell her everything will be alright and that you can save her!!! so cruel larian! #for a character that lost their heart she sure as hell didnt lose her soul </3 #''THANKS FOR LISTENING. FOR EXISTING. LOVE YOU.'' #yeah was not prepared for what im guessing is the romantic version of her scene back at camp #idk why i thought they wouldnt address it but wow when she asks if youll stay w her when its her time to go. im in shambles #might take back some of my opinions abt her endings. its still cruel she doesnt get a Happy ending but its being handled rlly well so far

[rabbits-of-negative-euphoria]

So. Attack on Titan ended

YES AND I CANT TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE I DID NOT REREAD OR REWATCH OR VIEW THE FINALE AT ALL DURING THE WHOLE MONTH I SAID I WOULD

also this is the best possible way you could have formatted that message

#- HK #I didn’t watch Spy x Family either 😭😭😭 #to be fair to myself however #I’ve been preoccupied with totally changing my lifestyle to shrink my gallstone #which has come with not a little bit of fear and anxiety and panic but when I was at my parents’ for Thanksgiving my ma gave me a talking to #about not being afraid of my food and my body #and she would know because she had life-threatening cancer #so I was pretty much able to forget I was sick while I was there #then I learned that coming home and being alone with one’s thoughts makes one 10x more aware of one’s own body #but now I’m a month out from the attack that put me in the ER I’ve remembered that pain is not the end of the world #AND the doctor gave me hydrocodone for if it comes back so #ANYWAYS. I’ve also been training the new clerk and she seems to have never used a computer before #so very little time for anime BUT I have been thinking about commonalities between Attack on Titan and Euripides’ Bacchae #and in light of current foreign affairs (particularly Kissinger’s death and the reactions to it) #etc etc #mobile #SNK #x #DID *YOU* WATCH IT?

[hua-fei-hua]

at church reading the hymn lyrics like "hey i learned that word from genshin!" and "hey i learned that word from genshin!" and "hey i learned that word from translating song lyrics so that i could write genshin fic!" and "hey i learned that word from genshin!" and finally "omg i learned that word from the king's avatar"

#花話 #it's funny bc i Objectively know more cn than the last time i was here seven years ago which is great #bc the last time i learned any cn in a classroom was seven years ago lol #and i think that's probably a combination of Very Much Not Wanting To Lose What Skills I Have +gnshn n similar giving me occasional practice #but yeah of the words i Remember where i learned them it's like 85% gnshn 14% lyric translation n 1% king's avatar lmao #been trying to connect my laptop to the mobile hotspot i have here and Suffering(tm)... pain and agonie #i mentioned this on main but apparently i just Cannot have a line acct for w/e reason #(i suspect it's bc i made an acct in america on my phone number but temp sim card --> diff phone number here) #(and since i didn't expect this i didn't tie the acct to an email --> i am unable to have line) #however my mother and i have graduated past emails and are now just using regular texting to communicate it seems #ANYWAY i get to see the jade cabbage today. i hope. and other things i also hope!! #i was going somewhere w/the line thing OH it's bc on the way home from church my mom saw a sign that said 元氣 and was like 'genki desu!' #it is always kind of a surprise to hear my mom speak jp bc it sounds simultaneously clumsy and full of confidence #she has friends in japan (college roommate + old pen pal + i have no idea she's lived Quite a life i feel) n i once found her old letters #and was kind of surprised bc they were like entirely in jp so obviously she could read n understand a lot #but anyway my mom went on to talk abt how taiwan continues to have significant japanese influence to this day n i was like yes... weebs c': #it's also interesting bc we'll go sightseeing n she'll be like “ye that's from american/jp occupation times but they gave back the land' #'so now it's xyz' n i'll be like. almost 'tails.jpg A Colonialism.'

[datastate]

shin would apologize for his bed being a mess even if it’s overall fine, meanwhile keiji’s out here like “hey, let’s uh. keep this in the hallway alright? maybe find a nice, grassy spot to talk this out...” and then when he moves out of the doorway to close his apartment door you’re briefly face-to-face with the fact that he. needs severe help.

#he doesn't hoard things but what he does have just... isn't organized #he isn't the sort who deals with nasty food or what have you scattered around the place; it's more of a... why do you have a lightbulb on #the floor sir. -> ''oh. that. huh. must've been a ghost.'' (voice of someone who was having terrible hallucinations) #(in the midst of trying to replace a dull bulb and just gave up even though he knows he might get glass in his foot) #and then of course just. a corner for his pile of bedsheets & towels... papers strewn about his main living area. his dishwasher is always #full of shit and he never has the energy to put the clean dishes anywhere but the spare counterspace #which means he has to prepare his food on the main coffee table #and so you see like. spice and flour or emptied cans there #it's just... idk. i think a lot abt the characters' living spaces and his makes me especially sad #esp knowing his mother's probably in a. similar position w the lack of motivation to do upkeep w/o (young) keiji's health at stake #& the whole... setting an example thing (where even then she feels she failed) - certainly not as bad as him. but... #they're definitely predisposed to. depression lol. it's simply the poor man's life #jestersvaguely #yttdposting #god. what am i doing talking abt keiji fucking shinogi. rubs my face. i don't care much for this guy & i just meant to get up to draw #+ get pain medicine & then go back to bed...

[hyperfixatingdumdum]

MY PERIOD ENDED YESTERDAY AND I STILL HAVE CRAMPS!!! I STILL HAVE BACK PAIN!!! I WON UR FUCKING BLOOD WAR UTERUS, TAKE THE LOSS WITH DECORUM BITCH QUIT BEING A SORE-ASS LOSER U WEIRDO!!!

#is it too early to think abt a hysterectomy #i am not tagging this this is much too silly #back pain so crazy I need to be wringed like a towel #god gave me the middle finger

[mars-ipan]

Ya got any rants stored up? Long-burning hatred?

i FINALLY found one i’ve been holding onto this ask waiting for the opportunity.

i HATE how people treat people with anxiety disorders. it’s endless pity mixed with complete incompassion

like ok. obligatory i have generalized anxiety disorder here. a lot of things make me stressed and when i’m having bad anxiety attacks (which can last days and sometimes put me into month-long spells of misery) i get physically sick, to the point of throwing up and fever. i also tend to go nonverbal/low-verbal during these periods of time (usually bc i’m nauseous.) i’m also very prone to migraines and have a tic and wear a night guard due to jaw clenching etc etc you get the point it affects me.

when i share these symptoms with people (assuming they don’t have similar symptoms) i get a lot of frowny faces. “owh i’m sorry :( that must be awful how horrible“ and the like. and it’s never said in a way that’s actually kind. it’s said in the way people talk about those aspca commercials. and it’s never actually come from a place of genuine concern- it’s superficial pity apparently meant to placate me. i hate it

and that’s assuming i even get that reaction at all! usually when i try to explain to someone that i’m experiencing symptoms of some sort like “hey i’m sorry i can’t really be productive right now, i’ve got a lot of brain fog” i am ALWAYS dismissed. EVERY time. maybe it’s because i’m quite skilled at coping and masking. maybe it’s because my panic attacks don’t (always) look like wailing and thrashing and choking on air. but for some reason people don’t seem to understand that yes my anxiety disorder is actually disabling for me sometimes. i will ask for an accommodation i need, be compared to someone else with different needs from me, and then be told i need to just suck it up and deal with it. and i am SO! TIRED! OF! IT!!!! the amount of times i’ve told people “hey please don’t say that to me i’m prone to paranoia about xyz” and then been yelled at because “it’s not that serious take a joke” is ABSURD. hey maybe stop telling me my cough is covid bc now i have to spend the next 3 hours reminding myself that i don’t have any other symptoms asshole!!! jesus

and THEN when i actually DO find a way to cope or utilize the way my brain works or god forbid crack a fucking joke about it people get mad at me. “see i knew it wasn’t a big deal” or “so you’re actually fine” or “that’s not funny” i am. so tired of it

and then i go online and see people saying that disorders like anxiety and depression have been destigmatized and we’re treated basically the same in neurotypical society. motherfucker i did not go undiagnosed for 17 years with several doctors telling me it “wasn’t anything to worry about” despite my family history and clear signs from a young age just to be told my disorder is respected. if i say my anxiety is a disability i get called dramatic and am told to stop taking attention away from people who need it- or not to call it a disability because “it’s not that bad” and i’m fine because clearly having a disability makes every second of your life miserable of course of course. hell anxiety is demonized too! not as badly as many other illnesses but it’s still demonized!!! if i tell people “hey i have anxiety so please be careful with xyz” they act like i just asked them to let me do anything i want without consequence. there’s literally a whole fucking stereotype of people using “anxiety” as an excuse to be lazy or an asshole or entitled. as someone whose anxiety manifests in depressive spirals (freeze response) and rejection sensitivity (doom spiraling) this is Not Great!!!!! like i am hypervigilant about enough things i do not need to add “will these people get mad if i explain how my brain works” to the list

and about the rejection sensitivity. i HATEEEEE when people judge me for crying because they’re upset at something i’ve done wrong. “mars if you’re in the wrong then you’re not the victim” who the fuck said i think i’m the victim???? i cry because my brain takes “can you pls stop doing this it genuinely bugs me” and turns it into “you’re a horrible person how could you do this to someone they hate you.” but just because that happens doesn’t mean i’m not capable of rational thought!!! i KNOW realistically that my friends are good communicators and share that stuff because they like my company. i just need to cry about it as well. that doesn’t negate my logic or say i won’t actually try to improve myself. i’m just upset that i made the mistake. obviously i’m gonna fix it. that one REALLY pisses me off esp when i warn someone in advance that i do that. like calm the fuck down i’m not even pointing out that i’m crying rn this isn’t about me stop making it about me.

ANYWAYS. it’s really frustrating to deal with this shit from nts and then go to an online nd space for community and hear people talk about anxiety disorders like we don’t face ableism. just because it’s quieter doesn’t mean it isn’t there. that AND the “it’s barely an issue” girlie i was told i wasn’t disabled enough by doctors my whole damn life i am NOT about to start hearing it from you too. you can drown in the ocean or a swimming pool or a puddle. doesn’t fucking matter. the hypocrisy irritates me so bad

#ask #ghost #marzirants #i am sick of being told i’m normal and then getting yelled at for being myself #if anyone is an ass on this post and doesn’t consider the context or nuance within i will kill :) #anywho thx ghost. that one’s been simmering for a but #a bit* whoopsies #once before i got dxed i was trying out a new therapist #and after an in-depth explanation of my fear around driving and the built up shame i had from still just having my permit #she told me to ‘just get in the car and drive’ #girl do you think i didn’t try that. my whole issue is that i can’t ‘just’ do it i was hoping we could work on the THREE MENTAL BLOCKS there #anyways i never went back to her. i still seethe a bit when i think abt it #anywho. sick and tired of being denied help and then chastised when i survive anyways #like yeah i’m alive. be a lot FUCKING better if you just gave me a hand though #but noooo because i’m not falling apart in front of you clearly i’m dramatic #tbf i have an incredibly high pain tolerance and have been an expert masker since i was a child #but still. not all disability is visible asshat. am i supposed to be able to function on my own or not why is there no right answer #anywho i’ve always felt a lot of connection to those with chronic fatigue #probs bc we both have deal with ‘it’s not that big a deal’ or ‘you’re being lazy/sensitive’ or ‘just suck it up’ #not to mention constant anxiety is EXHAUSTING. fight-or-flight takes up so much energy dude

[dandyshucks]

going to cry because i am worried i won't finish all the crochet gifts in time :''")

#okay wait time to decide on a vent tag sjdkskl UHHHHH #can i just... tag it with ... ''vent //'' or is that annoying to add to a the tumblr filtering system fhdkdl #thats how old school tumblr cw/tw tagging worked fjdkl they'd just put slashes in so thats what im used to #vent // #we'll go with that ig? lmk if that doesnt work for anybody for any reason and u want smth else and I'll accomodate!!! #okay. um. anyways yeah idk fjdkdl i have been crocheting pretty much all day? i havent done anything else other than eat meals fjdksl #just... crocheting. my wrist hurts sm fjfkdl #i would still be crocheting but after messing up three times on this wing and frogging it all the way back i gave uo #up* #decided to just call it a night bc damn thats frustrating! idk what i was doing wrong but i kept ending up w the wrong amount of stitches!! #i think theres a possibility i can finish everything but im rly not sure fhdkdl tomorrow is already the 17th #im just. afraid fhdkdl i rly want this to work out !!! agh!! #I cant tell if my current chest pain is from anxiety or from medication (which i take for heart pounding from anxiety) wearing off djdkdl #ough. uncomfortable. I'll go draw and hopefully i can calm down bc im just sbdhdkl so afraid rn #IT ALSO DOESNT HELP that im the only one besides Kam in the system who knows how to crochet well fsbdhdkl #so the others cannot take over bc they cannot crochet either at all or as fast as i can :') i am stuck! in front!! AGGHH #i want a break man djsksl this season is so bad for me mentally fbjfdkl but by god i am getting thru it #okay off to go draw now fhdksl i have several ideas for drawing yay

[shinysteph]

Cannot sleep because kidneys hurt so bad!!!

#i have had a uti all week and it has been a nightmare getting antibiotics for it! #i called my doctor's office on tuesday and told them HEY I THINK I HAVE A UTI #and in the past they have always been like np just pee in a cup and we'll send it to the lab and start you on meds all in the same day #but not this time #no they made me go to the lab and then wait until the results came back #and then they called on thursday saying you're results were negative you don't have a uti #and i said oh yes i do i have a bunch of symptoms and am in a lot of pain! and they said just drink a lot of water and call back next week #so i made an appointment with the pharmacy bc they can give you antibiotics for utis without a doctor #but then they said they can't because i'm on immunosuppressive drugs which makes it more complicated (fair) #this happened yesterday #but all day yesterday i had twrrible kidney pain which is what i was afraid would happen!!!!!!!! #so i went to urgent care and they did another urine test and FINALLY gave me a prescription for antibiotics (yay!) #but i can't fill it until i get the urine culture results back and they have to be positive so i am cryong in agony #but also guess what #i downloaded the app to look at my test results and saw the results of that first urine culture #and IT'S NOT NEGATIVE #it says SUGGEST REPEAT SPECIMEN COLLECTING AND TESTING IF PATIENT'S SYMPTOMS INDICATE A URINARY TRACT INFECTION #THAT IS NOT A NEGATIVE #so now i'm in so much pain i might not even wait until that second culture resulg comes in i'm just goina to fill that prescription #i don't want to get sepsis #my posts