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#but this was on my mind all night
ktinaj · 11 days ago
“Or…you don’t know [Maddie] the way [Chim] does.”
This line…The way it emphasizes that romantic partners know each other differently than everyone else around them. And coming from Eddie? To Buck?
Hasn’t the whole crux of BuckandEddie since last season been the fact that they know each other better than anyone else? In 4x14, after Buck’s crane stunt, every single person scolded him for it and got his reason for doing it completely wrong (“reckless,” “crazy,” “invincible”). Not Eddie. Eddie was the only one who pushed deeper and understood why Buck said what he said/does what he does (“expendable”).
In 5x02, Buck is the only one who clocks Eddie’s panic attack. When Eddie’s entire (ex-)girlfriend is standing right there, it’s Buck who notices something is off with Eddie. And when they talk about it, he digs deeper into Eddie’s statement about sticking things out for Chris, and his “is that enough?” is already enough to make Eddie question himself, but then he also feels comfortable to say “I have been Ana” to emphasize that the relationship is unfair to Ana. He says it because he knows that Eddie knows how horrible his experience dating Abby was, and he knows that Eddie would never willingly do that to someone. And…it works.
So, yeah. “Or…you don’t know [Maddie] the way [Chim] does” gave me pause when I was watching last night. Because they’re romantic partners, they know each other intimately, and it’s a beautiful sentiment that they know each other that way. And because no one knows Eddie like how Buck knows him. And no one knows Buck like how Eddie knows him.
And doesn’t that just speak volumes?
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darkwood-sleddog · 7 months ago
At the end of the day all dogs, no matter what they look like or what they were bred for, are DOGS. And as such they still want to enjoy the doggie aspects of life. Running and playing and sniffing and digging and engaging with humans in a positive way.
Like your Frenchie would love to run up and down a hiking path the same as my dogs if given the chance but their conformation makes it difficult for them. It’s not that they are lazy or don’t want to. Their brain does not perceive difference, their body simply does not accommodate fun dog things.
Your little dog still wants to interact with others and say things with dog body language and get that body language listened to and respected the same as my dogs but society’s interpretation of what is appropriate around a toy dog and a larger dog is unfortunately different. Their brain does not perceive difference, simply society does not think they are a danger when they react negatively to their boundaries being pushed in a way they do with larger dogs.
Somehow we tend to treat different breeds as separate species, but they are all dogs, all Canis Lupus Familiaris. And they all deserve to do dog stuff. Thank you.
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nim-lock · 4 months ago
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// nudity warning //
local man gets aroused and hopes desperately in equal measure that the other guy in the shower with him either does something about it or pretends nothing has happend whatsoever
and some other doodles underneath the cut that aren’t directly related to this scene
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hedgehog-moss · 2 months ago
How do you imagine the climate crisis will affect you, your animals and your rural life in general? Are you doing anything in particular to try to mitigate the effects?
I think about it a lot. Then try to focus on the present day and the near future so as not to feel hopeless. I was talking with a farmer neighbour the other day about hay—the year I moved here the harvest was ruined by several heat waves and prolonged drought (people actually had to feed hay to their animals in summer as there was no grass to eat, and I bought my animals for very cheap because a lot of farms had to sell parts of their herds lest they start depleting their winter’s supply of hay in July); then last year there was an insane hailstorm that left pastures looking like they'd been crushed by bulldozers; and this year we’ve had torrents of rain almost every day since summer started. I was like, that didn't use to happen, did it? and he said no, no, it's not normal for the harvest to be ruined by a different crazy weather event every single year.
Trees are more resilient to extreme weather than grass so I tried making tree hay last year and the animals ate it just fine; and I'll continue clearing my overgrown second pasture so I can make my own hay in the future and hopefully be self-sufficient when it comes to my animals’ food supply. So I guess my thought experiments re: climate change so far don't go any further than "What if one summer I can't buy any hay?" Reading about people who go a lot further and are actively stockpiling supplies or learning how to be self-sufficient in every way in preparation for the future petrifies me, people who are so determined to survive any level of dystopian future feel unrelatable and kind of scary.
We often have long power cuts in the autumn & winter here and sometimes I'm like, well let’s see how I would fare if society collapsed and there’s no electricity—in many ways it feels more manageable here than it would be in a city, as I have sources of water (that can also keep perishable foods cool) and a wood stove I can cook on, but in reality I would not last very long nor want to. What I find really scary is less a hazy notion of societal collapse and more the looming threat of violent fascism and resource wars—war is such an enormous waste of resources, energy, human potential, and the idea that we would waste it on destructive actions, to create more misery, at a time when we desperately need these dwindling resources for constructive ends, is mind-numbingly depressing.
One way of bracing myself for the future that doesn’t make me feel anxious is being friends & exchanging small services with the people from my local community, which reminds me that people enjoy sustaining small communities and helping others without monetary incentive and perhaps this will endure despite everything.
I'm building a greenhouse so I can grow more food over a longer growing season, and would also like to plant fruit trees and to rehabilitate the former pond and stock it with edible fish, but it's more because it makes me happy to participate in the informal food gift-economy with my neighbours and offer nice meals to the city friends who visit me, and because eating my own food would allow me to buy less stuff (esp. plastic-packaged stuff), than in a spirit of preparation for a bleak future. I try to focus on the few things I can control (driving my car as seldom as I can, not flying, not having kids, not ordering stuff online and not buying unneeded things, having mostly hobbies that don’t involve consumption or technology) and keep the rest at bay.
I felt terrified of global warming as a kid (I’m not sure why, because in the late 90s the general discourse was overall reassuring, we still talked mostly of “the greenhouse effect” and adults were like “this is something your grandchildren will have to worry about towards the end of the next century if we don’t do something about it, but I’m sure we will, look, we just signed the Kyoto Protocol!”—I would have been so traumatised growing up now.) I remember reading an 1850s book in which the author made enthusiastic predictions about the year 2000 and thinking, wow, imagine having this wide a horizon. Trying to picture society 150 years from now and not hitting a mental wall. On my birthday I used to think, “well at least I made it to age [10, 11, 12] and things were okay. No matter what happens from now on at least I got to live ten okay years before it happened.” I still kind of think like this, I go on a walk like “right now the natural world is beautiful despite everything”, focusing on what’s at hand rather than future conjectures, which feels like taking shallow breaths for fear of smelling smoke, I tell myself “at least this week was good”, “this lovely thing happened today”, it’s a strange kind of contented despair. Desperate contentment.
“Is it possible to see the future as dark and darkening further; to reject false hope and desperate pseudo-optimism without collapsing into despair? What, at this moment in history, would not be a waste of my time? If you don’t feel despair, in times like these, you are not fully alive. But there has to be something beyond despair too; or rather, something that accompanies it, like a companion on the road.” (x)
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kkankuro · 4 months ago
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there’s a band au we’ve gotten far too invested in in the kankiba server where kiba is in an up and coming band with hinata and shino and kankuro is a retired actor who works as a techie behind the scenes for their concerts... sometimes after a show they just sit around and kiss a bit :]
details and alternate colour below
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ialwaysknewyouwerepunk · a month ago
the birth of harry
alternate title: the key to harry’s universe is water
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There are many recurring themes and images Harry likes to use in his music and art in general. Communication with a lover/the self, rooms of the house, or even fruit names. One of the most persistent constants he's used, though, is water. For the visuals to accompany his art as well as in the lyrics themselves and one might argue the music sometimes even tries to sound like water.
What first sent me into the deep end about this subject matter is unknown to me - the mermaid tattoo, the adore you or falling mv, the snl harriel pics etc etc etc - I just currently find myself entirely submerged and will never get out this is where I belong I'm part of this world and you can hear me rant about it here !
Something definitely triggered me when the lovely lovely master of putting beautifully painful emotions into words @laurelier posted her two ghosts/falling piece of glory. I highly recommend you read that + the little rant on the side we had about what it could mean in relation to She.
I thought I made a fucking moodboard based on my own heart’s desires when I connected Harry as a pin-up doll on stage in philly to a mermaid thus to Ariel having to sing a concert from a shell for me to then land on Boticelli’s Venus floating on a shell over the ocean and imagining Harry as that. Simple. But THEN discourse escalated when @dyingstars-x caused me to remember that Harry literally already used open shells like that during a performance of Falling (screams) AND SEVEN THEN UPPED THE ANTE AND SLAMMED HARRY’S NUDE IN MY FACE CLAIMING IT AS THE BIRTH OF VENUS AND——
just a reminder that this was caused by the philly look. and then he fucking went and did this yesterday
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so here’s the order of business:
water in harry's art: an (attempt of an) entire overview bc why not 
the fine line nude as a birth of venus ft more mindmaps
water, mermaids and the birth of venus: an explosion of meaning
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just a quick disclaimer: this is all shit from my brain! 1) it is nothing harry has confirmed. 2) what’s especially important is that your own interpretations of his art is what you should hold dear, and read this for what it is: some internet voice letting their opinion echo around the harrysphere. what all of it means to you might be very different than what it means to me, and that never ever means it’s wrong. <3 okay let’s go
Since HS1 water has been everywhere. The cover of the album is Harry in pink water, drenched, and seen from above like you’re bathing him like a baby, washing his hair by scooping water up and pouring it over him. 
The water for hs1 is dirty, like bathwater that contains everything that has been washed off. There’s trash, old forgotten items, flower petals. We can assume Harry is naked but we can’t tell bc the water isn’t transparent enough.
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I always feel like HS1 is an album near and dear to Harry, but a work of art that represents his puberty, almost. His coming of age, figuring shit out, especially deep-rooted sadness that he did not have the tools for to properly understand yet. There are subjects that are clearly echoed in Fine Line, even flipped on their head, but if HS1 tried to convey the sadness trapped in Harry’s heart, Fine Line ripped it out and laid it bare. During HS1 Harry was still in a dark hallway finding his way through the maze of his self, while for Fine Line the lights have been turned on. He knows the maze a little better by now. during hs1 harry was still in the water while now he has emerged
The clearest water-related images in HS1 are in the lyrics of Two Ghosts, Ever Since New York and the music video for Sign of the Times.
In terms of two ghosts/esny I will first and foremost quote miss @bluewinnerangel :
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my own interpretation of this line also still holds imo (although my analysis of the rest of the song is a bit too superficial to my liking and will most probably be rewritten by me at some point) 
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The music video for Sign of the Times has so much to unpack (i think??) that I (or anyone) should dedicate a separate post for it, but: water. Soaring over the sea, really fucking high. Is it a metaphor for passing away? For Harry being a ghost? For wanting to escape? To fly away? bc i always interpret this song as. trying to get away in the most extreme form yk.
The sea, to me, is there as an image of a vast sense of calm. An endless horizon, the unknown, possibilities, escape. The edge of the world.
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The mv for Two Ghosts that was never released which is a good thing bc i don’t know if we could’ve survived that. It features Harry walking through rivers and lakes of what does seem to be water, but is rainbow-colored and almost oily (oil paint?). Harry floating on water then brings us closer to Fine Line and his relation to water now.
(stills and gif made from this video)
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It’s since Fine Line, though, that water has started to represent so much more. Now he’s also generally doused in it, soaking wet, or submerged entirely. 
The Lights Up music video was the debut of his sophomore album and a clear statement of intent with what the album was to achieve. The clip has such heavy imagery of sadness and desperation in water, a haunting but exhilarating juxtaposition with the ecstasy and freedom of the scenes where there is dancing or speeding off on the back of a motorcycle. i guess that really is what life is isn’t it
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Needless to say that in Adore You water also plays a big role. It’s a force that brings people together, like the neighbors who get married thanks to a message in a bottle. The ocean dictates life on the island. For the peculiar boy, it was going to be his (final) escape. The waves then threw the rainbow fish at him and reset his life entirely. In the end, the ocean is his door to happiness. The very same waves that he wanted to take him under eventually aid him in his pursuit of love. 
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harry you can’t just show me this virginia wolf-ass imagery and expect me to be okay
Falling…. falling. Mermaid shirt. Submerged. Drowning. Giving in to the rising water. Survives, panting.
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Golden: happiness, escape in the water.
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escape - solace - sadness - confrontation with/erasure of self - happiness
pink flowers in the right bottom corner (i have close to no knowledge about flowers so pls don't shoot me if i get it wrong and by all means get back to me if you have additions/corrections)
first off: pink flowers are a "symbol of femininity, love, adoration and admiration"
pink lily:
symbolic of a confidence boost for people struggling with self-esteem issues
connected to more feminine, caring characteristics
black calla lily:
symbolises elegance, beauty and mystery
associated with lust and jealousy
purity, faithfulness and holiness. "The flower is often depicted in images of the Virgin Mary. For millions of Christians all over the world, calla lilies are a symbol of rebirth and resurrection"
black hellebore?
"Traditional Medicinal Uses: used in minute doses for mental and emotional disorders. The ancient Greeks used it as a cure for insanity. It has been used as a purgative for mental illness"
poppies (???)
"Chinese and Japanese flower experts recommend the Poppy for couples because it means a deep and passionate love between two people"
Red – death, remembrance, consolation (West) <-> success and love (East)
Purple, Pink, Blue – imagination, luxury, success
pink and blue ! 🏳️‍⚧️
hollow like an empty shell *coughcoughcoughchokesanddies*
other images of fl shoot: growth, regrowth - will be discussed further below
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half-in, half-out, as if he crawled or fell out of it
naked, like at birth
legs crossed casually, one arm covering his groin, the other spread out wide: hand covering parallel with paintings/sculptures of Venus !!
looking straight at the camera: parallel with paintings of Venus !!!
paintings of Venus, esp. Manet’s: depiction of woman who is proud of her body and looks, no shame (interesting: Olympia as a prostitute Venus)
on the floor, lying down vs standing up (- Jesus (h’s upper body reminds me of imagery of jesus at the cross and yk that kid also did a lil resurrection thingy))
self-esteem - femininity - love - pride - confrontation - success - rebirth
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“I’m so attached to the idea that there’s a connection between H being in the water and existing as a fuller, queerer self, a more loving self. Being connected to the best of himself, all of that human goodness, even if it’s painful, even if he feels like he’s drowning, even if he sometimes feels like he literally can’t do it; almost like the water represents him learning to live and breathe in a different way, turn into a creature who can survive” underwater @laurelier​
There is a reason for all of this, for this mess of a post with arrows and more question marks than periods. There is a reason why I, among others, get emotional thinking about Harry as a mermaid. 
First of all, there’s the importance of Harry’s mermaid tattoo. A symbol for trans identities, especially with the link to a desire to shape-shift, change bodies, or even have no (obvious) genitals. (see mermaidsgender on instagram) Freedom in the water. Harry’s had it for a long time now, so these thoughts may have been with him since the 1d days, despite him not being able to clearly express it all back then.
“In 2014, Harry revealed his mermaid tattoo was a reference to himself. This was when he first got the tattoo and everyone found it bizarre and couldn’t understand why. Which is a tattoo of a mermaid whose vagina is pointedly visible, making her more woman than fish! But she’s still both!”   @bottomharrykingdom
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He uses water in almost all of his imagery, because in water is where his emotions, his buried personal struggles are. The water is where, especially, he has his dialogue with gender. He wants to bathe in it, swim deep in order to figure it out. Sometimes that brings him joy, pleasure, relief, and other times he gets suffocated. 
The water in all of his FL music videos represents a part of this dialogue. In Lights Up, he is mostly searching. In Adore You, he’s ready to end the dialogue entirely, but finds hope and new ways to engage with it. In Golden, he’s at ease, at peace, because he knows he is loved and is in love. In Falling, he finally dives deep, voicing his struggles so loudly that he nearly drowns. 
And this isn’t just in his music videos and art, it’s simply how he functions:
“when he and the band finished recording in Jamaica, he ended up drunk and wet from the ocean, toasting everybody, wearing a dress he’d traded with someone’s girlfriend. “I don’t remember the toast,” he says, “but I remember the feeling.” - Rolling Stone (2017) watch out or i’ll cry about this quote every single fucking time
he seeks relief and comfort in the water, a symbol for everything he’s trying to figure out, a symbol for being closer to the answers.
He can’t keep going under, though. He can’t live under the sea among the fish, no matter how badly he wants that. He has to live on land. 
He had to emerge from the water. He had to become his own version of Venus, born from the water, emerged onto the sand. (vs for hs1 where he’s still in the water, soaking. wallowing)
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Harry has shown us the imagery of mermaids, Venus, rebirth since Fine Line started. In the booklet we see him growing along with enormous plants that were originally sketched to be roots among which he’d be half-buried. The lone nude was originally designed to be a womb. A womb. That cradled Harry. Instead they chose for a hollow heart that Harry seems to have fallen out of. Because it makes the meaning of the rebirth less obvious? Because he’s been reborn thanks to a broken heart? Because he’s had to carve his heart out to get where he is now? Because he doesn’t have a womb and all that’s born from him comes from his heart? like this whole entire bit is so huge to me i hope it is to you, reading this, too
Harry’s pose echoes that of images made of Venus all throughout history. He’s aligning himself with the goddess of “love, beauty, desire, sex, fertility, prosperity, and victory.” The bold eye contact with the viewer. Look at me. Really, take a good look, I dare you. Or perhaps just: this is me. Nothing more, nothing less, and I will never be ashamed (again). 
I think the most important part to remember about Harry using this imagery is Venus’s birth from the sea linked to his use of water to process emotions, especially linked to his gender. He chose the image of a rebirth from the water because he is a mermaid ready to live on land as Venus. He chose for these symbols of femininity (the pink flowers), these echoes of women, goddesses (or even mermaids) in art, because they represent this new person he’s become. Or the person he’s always been, but has finally been peeled bare. 
Like Venus, his birth is as a grown person, never perfect (thank the romans for imagining their gods as flawed beings), but whole. And this album represents that process, tells that story.
If we look at the story the music videos tell, alongside the album, we can assume Harry’s found a way to feel good in his skin by diving so deep into his self that he could emerge from it as a new person, someone who has shed issues or has embraced them, turned them into something positive.
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intermezzo of harry looking beautifully queer
Look. I’m going to give you (even more of) an (unasked for) insight in my mind on this to drive my point home just a little more. 
Fine Line, the song. The final track. The sounds of it. Listen.
We’re submerged, we’re dreaming, we’re floating. The opening notes of voices singing sounds like something you could hear underwater. The instruments sound distant. Harry’s voice echoes, ethereal. I’m thinking of the mermaid song in harry potter and the goblet of fire here as well as sound effects in the little mermaid stay with me on this pls. The piano (yk from 2:15) must be the one they used for falling bc it sounds submerged. Every note sounds like a drop of water in an echoing cave.
We’ll be a fine line. The song starts to pick up. Harry’s voice starts to sound closer, clearer. The guitars are livelier. We’re rising up from the water. Strings play bc it really is fucking emotional. 
But then. Drums. Our pace picks up, we’re leaving the sadness, the struggles, the doubts, the comfort zone behind. The trumpets start to blow because it’s a fucking victory of ours, getting out of that water. Harry sighs: we’ll be alright. We’ll be alright.
And then he lets it out. WE’LL BE ALRIGHT. 
We’re running. Dancing. Maybe just panting. Dazed. Smiling, laughing. Exclaiming in relief. Cymbals clash. A choir of muses sings our story.
Some last drops of water fall from us onto the sand. 
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There is a lot of pain in this journey, in Harry’s art. A lot of shit he’s dealt and is still dealing with. Who knows what his future work might even bring upon us. Fine Line, however, has told us the story of someone who has learned to accept, come to terms with who they are. Who stands victorious and proud. Who has redefined himself for himself. Who celebrates himself. 
His focus, clearly, lies where his freedom is. It’s been his focus all throughout FL promo, his latest speeches during hslot underlining it even more. Even in the most recent press statement he gave, to New Yorker in an article about Harris Reed, he stated:
“To wear Harris’s clothes is to be having fun,” Styles told me, in an e-mail. “Every frill is there to be played with, and an overwhelming sense of freedom shall rain down upon you.”
For Harry, to experiment with gender, wear androgynous clothing, be androgynous/gender-non-conforming/genderfluid/to not be put in a box is to be free. And he had/has to struggle hard to work that out, but he made it. He killed off an old version of himself to emerge sparkly new, gleaming with pride. He knows who he is, now. 
and if he sometimes needs to go back to the water, for solace, comfort, or to simply escape, then that’s part of the journey. and i know we’ll always be proud.
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i had to
now i’m gonna go cry a bit and hopefully sleep a lot and especially listen to this playlist i’ve had for a while now, adequately called mermaid comfort. you’re welcome to join me if you’d like. thank you so much for reading, for coming on this bender with me............ by all means, dump your thoughts onto me (please) and this gif by @kiwikiwiandkiwi​ of harry last night pretty much sums it all up for me rn
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daincrediblegg · 9 days ago
Really think it’s super understated exactly how much of the cult end of things is really Bev Keane’s idea and fault- and this is not to divert blame from John at all like the real heartbreaker is his complacency in all this but more on that later. Essay under the cut because jesus there is too much to sum up.
Like???? It’s not like he fuckin died the first time he encountered the angel I mean he got bit yeah but he took a shot of the blood and boom he was fine! And young again to boot! So obviously the original plan is to just pop back to crockett slip some blood in the communion wine and boom!!! Millie gets young again and cured of dementia so he gets a second chance to really have a life with her and their daughter and everything is fine!!!!
… but then he reaches critical mass (which I expect is because he was ingesting more of it than everyone else at too quick a rate). Bev and her little group are the only people who know the truth and watch him die and come back. Immediately she is quoting and using scripture to describe the changes that his body is going through- I mean he's basically Jesus!!! the Penultimate Biblical Miracle coming back from the dead!!- and therefore he chalks it up to “a matter of faith” and doesn't see a doctor (AKA HIS OWN SMART AS FUCK DAUGHTER WHICH HONESTLY HE SHOULD!!!!!) And so he goes with it!!! Until once again the thing he became got out of hand- and though he didn’t directly himself kill Joe but are certainly to blame for just fucking sucking at his head wound instead of… y’know… HELPING the guy bleeding out on the floor of his own goddamn home.
So then he’s done this this monsterous thing- which again is more a fault of his inaction than direct action- and doesn’t even know what to think of it to a point he’s numb to it (I mean jesus I cannot believe he felt no real guilt at all- sitting in a corner barely fucking lucid in a blood coma for hours until your deacon comes to find you because you're late for mass doesn’t scream no guilt no remorse to me it screams fucking mental blackout) but AGAIN!!! Here she comes. Speaking the words of his faith and calling what he went through a miracle from God and showing him bible passages detailing EXACTLY THE SHIT THAT HE’S GOING THROUGH so well if it’s in the scripture maybe it’s ok maybe it’s part of god’s plan for him sure he’ll bite. But note that even though he doesn't feel remorse for this thing he did anymore because Bev told him it's in the bible so it's ok that he's still on a pretty strict Sturge Blood diet- probably more likely than not to avoid another Joe Collie incident- so funny little contradiction but he's too wrapped up in this idea of new morality thanks to Bev he doesn't get it (and that it's more than likely a move to protect herself from getting Ate).
Then there’s Riley. Riley who he has such a great affection for who he thinks doesn’t deserve to die because even though he’s done terrible things he deserves a chance at redemption too- because like his savior he finds kinship with pariahs and knows they deserve love just as much if not more than everyone else. So *he* brings him back (I mean he wasn’t taking communion seeing as he wasn’t in a “state of grace” and didn’t believe anymore- so it’s safe to assume he made the decision through the blood lust to save him), and he has “The Meeting” and half of it is parroting the shit that Bev revealed to HIM about this condition that they now both share because really they’ve been on the level with each other since the beginning- but there’s another half that’s desperately attempting to show him that it’s worth living- even though he’s done awful things and will now inevitably do it again because it’s now a compulsion that neither of them can control. But he doesn’t want to chain Riley to him he’s more compassionate knows better than that. He’s explained all he can and sends him out with hope!!! He’s feeling good about the new covenant and the shift of morality he’s facing and he has Riley as an apostle to help tell that good news.
But then the sunrise comes. And he can feel it when he dies. HE feels it. Like god might feel every death and he can barely handle the ONE death of his old altar boy- his friend. And he doesn’t have more than a few hours to mourn before IN COMES BEV!!!! Again!!! And guess what. She was unfortunately *right*. Not about Riley himself he was worthy and given a gift as a result but right that he shouldn’t have just set him out into the world so recklessly not 100% knowing what he might do- that he might “spit it out”. And then she says “who knows who he talked to”- and suddenly the dynamic shifts. Small town news spreads. What if he tells someone who tells someone who tells MILLIE? Or Sarah? And Bev says “lets ‘share the miracle’ and ‘make easter vigil a night of baptism’”. And you know what? He didn’t listen the last time. He’s an adult and can admit when he was wrong. So he goes with it. Because he was wrong and because he can’t have another fuck up with someone he loves (let alone the LOVE of his LIFE who he is DOING THIS FOR in the FIRST PLACE). So most of the plan he hands over the reigns to Bev. And it’s short sighted as fuck but you gotta remember this plan goes into effect literally THE DAY OF so it’s all haphazard and a rushed effort and he’s rushing and bev and sturge and wade are rushing to make sure 1) no one can leave the island and die like Riley 2) so they can still attempt to have a meeting about the whole vampirism thing I mean he managed to handle riley pretty well and he didn’t fuck up and kill somebody like HE did!!! He managed to teach him some level of control!!!! So surely he can handle this!!!
BUT IN HIS SHORT-SIGHTEDNESS!!!! In his complacency with Bev’s plan guess what!!!! All fucking hell breaks loose!!!! THE SHIT HITS THE FAN!!!! Of course it didn’t go to plan because it was simply too much all at once and he could barely process anything else that happened before it there just wasn’t time because he just doesn’t want anyone else to die so of course he went with it!!!! And he only starts to realize he fucked up when the chaos is so bad that Millie- *his* MILLIE fucking SHOOTS him!!
And what did Bev gain from the shit hitting the fan??? A platform. At last. A place of leadership where she gets to decide who lives and who dies and who’s a sinner and who a saint. She gets to play god to a flock of wolves and that shit is Dangerous. And it’s not until he sees it that he finally snaps out of it and realized he got this all wrong and that what she was doing was wrong and that what she was leading him on with was *wrong* and that moment of clarity brings him back to his roots long enough to reconcile with his former lover tell his daughter the truth he's been hiding for years and try to be a real father to her in his final hours and finally attempt to be the shepherd he used to be that he always *was* to the broken people that Bev would so easily cast aside because her idea of love from God is very different from his. And at least he knows that before the end and ends up seeking forgiveness from the one person who actually mattered that he needed reassurance and guidance and forgiveness from all along but couldn’t have had the whole goddamn time.
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