#but why did I start *crying* some time after the 1:15 mark
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Prompt Masterlist
Here are some Prompts!
The categories are; Fluff, smut, angst, & soulmates. You can also send me your own prompts!
How to send prompts:
-Send to my dm’s or my asks
-(Category(s)),(Number(s)),(Character)
-OR FOR Soulmates; Soulmates(Type)(Number(s)),(Character)
-Ex. Fluff 25 with Sherlock Holmes
-Ex. Smut 15+17 with Dean Winchester
-Ex. Fluff 6+ smut 16 with Severus Snape
-Ex. Soulmates(Changed Vision) 1 with Hentzau
-Submitting your own Protmpt
-Ex. Fluff (insert prompt(s)) with Remus Lupin
Fluff Prompts:
‘I’m glad you decided to meet up with me.’
‘I love hearing your voice.’
‘You’re my favorite person.’
‘You. Me. Friday night.’
‘I’ll trade you a kiss for a hug.’
‘You look so nice in my clothes.’
‘Is there anything I can do for you?’
‘My favorite part of the day is seeing your face.’
‘Was there something you wanted to tell me?’
‘Do you feel any better?’
‘It’s my turn to cook tonight.’
‘What are we forgetting?’
‘I’ve got something to tell you. It’s a secret, so you can’t tell anyone else..’
‘You’re the only person for me.’
‘You smell nice.’
‘Since we met, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.’
‘Can I kiss you?’
‘Can I hold your hand?’
Person A: ‘Don’t fall asleep!’ Person B: falls asleep.
‘How did you get up here?’
‘Can I come with you?’
‘I promise I won’t tell anyone.’
‘I wish I could spend more time with you.’
‘As if I could forget your birthday..’
‘Before you go, can you stay a little longer?’
‘I love the warmth of your hugs.’
‘I have something really important to ask you..’
‘I can’t believe she said yes!’
‘I never knew you felt this way.’
‘Your eyes are so pretty.’
‘How come I haven’t seen you around here before?’
Smut Prompts
“I missed you so much.”
“Like what you see?”
“I’ve been thinking about you all day.”
“You’re so perfect. And I’m so fucking lucky.”
“Try to stay quiet, understand?”
“We’re in public, you know.”
“I didn’t know you were so sensitive.”
“Don’t be so rough. There can’t be any marks.”
“Don’t smile at me like that. You know it drives me crazy.”
“I like it when you say my name like that.”
“I really don’t care. You still look hot and I’m trying not to kiss you senseless right now.”
“Are you sure? Once we start, I might not be able to stop.”
“No, I’m supposed to be making you feel good.”
“I thought maybe we can do a little more than just kissing.”
“Make me.”
“Stop teasing me so much…”
“You’re in trouble now.”
“Take off your clothes.”
“I’m waiting.”
“You’re so beautiful.”
“As you wish.”
“First one to make a noise loses.”
“You have no idea what you do to me.”
“I’ve wanted this for so long.”
“Already? Do I really have that much of an effect on you?”
“Mine.”
“The night’s still young.”
“We can’t do that here!”
“Behave.”
“What did you just say?”
“Come here.”
Angst Prompts
“And that makes it okay?”
“Why are your eyes so red?”
“Why would I ever want to be with you?”
“Is that what you think of me?”
“If I told you I hate you, what would you do?”
“Am I the reason you cry every night?”
“When did you stop loving me?”
“Don’t you think you’ve done enough?”
“How did things go so wrong?”
“When did things fall apart?”
“Which part of me wasn’t enough?”
“How do I make you love me again?”
“How do you sleep at night?”
“Can you still sleep at night?”
Soulmate Prompts
~~~~Written
Each year imprinted on your arm, whispered in a dream, sent in a mail or whatever, is a hint to who/where is your soulmate.
Every night you receive a message about a random sentence your soulmate has said that day.
Meter of how dangerous your soulmate is
A touch from your soulmate will leave an imprint there (like a different colored area on your skin, or a symbol, or name)
Counter (maybe on your palm) that depicts how many times you pass your soulmate
You only get the first letter of your soulmate’s name
The first (or last) words your soulmate speaks every day is written on your arm.
The first sentence you say to your soulmate is written on yourself (after you say it, maybe).
The most important thing your soulmate says to you is written on you.
The most important thing your soulmate says (to you?) that day will be written on you.
The most frequent thing your soulmate says to you is written on you.
Your soulmate’s birthday is written on your arm.
The last thing you were thinking about before meeting your soulmate is written on them.
Written on you is a badly worded description of how you’ll meet your soulmate (Ex. Reality: Meet in coffee shop spill drink- - > Description: “You’ll meet in a place of high energy and it’ll be hot”)
Soulmate marks are only visible after meeting and/or touching.
~~~~Changed Vision
See color for the first time when you meet, fades away when they die
Will only see shades of your soulmate’s eye colour until you meet
Can only see color in places your soulmate’s been/touched
~~~~Different Abilities
See/hear/speak/etc for the first time when you meet
Being next to your soulmate heals injuries
A gust of wind blows against your skin, towards your soulmate. The closer they are, the stronger the wind.
~~~~Sharing
Get the same injuries as your soulmate does
When you get sick, so does your soulmate
Soulmates share the same handwriting
You share your temperature with your soulmate
Songs sung by your soulmate is stuck in your head.
Whatever music that is stuck in your soulmate’s head is stuck in yours too.
Unique song imprinted in your mind that only you and your soulmate knows
Have the same heart beat
Heartbeat morse code for soulmates name
Soulmate’s heart beat on your wrist
Whenever you lose an item (like a sock), it ends up in your soulmates’ possession somehow
Everyone receives a special accessory (hat, watch, necklace, bracelet, etc) that is exactly alike with their soulmate. Many people, when they meet their soulmate, like to swap theirs with the other.
~~~~Communication
Write something on your own skin, appears on the other’s skin as well
You can send one item to your soulmate every year (or whenever)
You have this limited stack of sticky notes. Write whatever you want on it, and that note will magically appear somewhere in your soulmate’s line of sight.
When concentrating, you can write in your soulmate’s thoughts.
~~~~Restrictions
It is impossible to lie to your destined soulmate.
They have to say each other’s name to figure out they’re soulmates.
~~~~Experiences/Actions
When you meet your soulmate, time stops for a month for everyone besides you two.
At the corner of your eye, you can see a blurry vision of whatever your soulmate is doing (like sitting down drinking coffee in your living room, even though they’re doing this in another area.
When you meet your soulmate for the first time, you get a flashback/relive their entire lives
Similar to above, except you get glimpses of their future
Hidden in dreams, but never interacting, is your soulmate
The first time you touch your soulmate, you’re forced to relive their best day and/or worst day of their lives (past or future).
If you haven’t met your soulmate but have been in the same vicinity of each other (like passing each other on a street or in the same building), that day will keep repeating until you find each other.
Something fills up before meeting your soulmate, like a heart ink tattoo getting colored in or a bottle filling up with liquid/sand/origami stars/etc. The moment it is full is the moment you meet your soulmate.
~~~~Compasses
A red string tied around your pinky is connected to your soulmate’s pinky (when the two of you are at a certain distance & only you two can see it)
A spot on your body gets hotter the nearer they are, colder when they are further away
Your soulmate leaves colored footprints only visible to you
You can feel a tug from wherever your soulmate is. These may either be automatic or have stronger tugs whenever your soulmate is in distress.
~~~~Hints
You get a blurry photograph of your soulmate and vice versa, somehow (Could be yearly, could be at a certain age, could be a photo of when you first met, etc)
Every year, you receive a puzzle piece. The whole picture is your soulmate’s name/appearance/location/etc.
Mysterious letter detailing to one person when they’ll meet, and another letter detailing where they’ll meet to their soulmate, but not both (Person A gets when they’ll meet, Person B gets where they’ll meet)
Letter about details of how the meeting between soulmates go (example: “you get pushed into a lake by a guy in a duck suit and your soulmate helps you”, etc)
Bubbles give you a blurry glimpse into your soulmate’s world (visions of possessions, friends, family, laughter, crying, etc)
Everyone receives a picture of their soulmate (at a certain age) taken the year they met.
You dream of the place of where you’ll meet your soulmate.
Counter of how many times you’ve passed by or seen your soulmate.
One soulmate owns a lock and the other owns the key to that lock.
~~~~Your Soulmate
If you and your soulmate possess the same item, it’ll glow
Reflecting in the mirrors is the blurry appearance of your soulmate
Receive a piece of cloth with your soulmate’s scent
List detailing the differences between you and your soulmate
Literal sparks fly when you’re near your soulmate.
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~tag game~
list eight shows for your followers to get to know you
I was tagged by @quarter-life-crisis2 and I am tagging @minttangerines @simp47koreancrackheads @daechwitatamic @jeonqkooks @xjoonchildx @sailoryooons
this got really fucking long so I'm going to put it under a cut but if you want to read me rambling about TV shows then, here you go!
(Spoilers ahead for Roswell, if you care about spoilers for a show that is like, twenty years old lol)
Angel the Series. You might say I should have chosen Buffy because that is where I first saw and fell in love with him, but Angel is the choice because 1) it's his own whole show 2) the theme music is incredible, even after all this time 3) I Will Remember You is one of my favourite episodes of TV of all time 4) the evolution of Wesley Wyndham-Pryce. Is the fourth series some of the worst TV that's ever been written? Yeah, probably. Is it still one of my favourite shows of all time? Yeah, definitely.
Grey's Anatomy. Yes, I am a basic bitch. I am not caught up (I think I got to somewhere around series 15 when I stopped subscribing to any services that streamed it and I did not care enough to do so illegally), but the first eight series of that show are fucking phenomenal (I know some people think it jumped the shark at series five, but idk how you can miss out the Lexie and Mark of it all, so I say series 8). PICK ME, CHOOSE ME, LOVE ME? ICONIC!!!!! SO much so that honestly, writing this now makes me think I'm gonna start re-watching it.
Roswell. (not the reboot they did at some point??? the OG Shiri Appleby, Jason Behr, fucking Katherine Heigl version). I watched this when it first came on TV. I have re-watched it a lot. My sister and I both own the box set. Am I into alien things? No, generally. But am I into forbidden love and secrets and couples against the world? HELL Yes. It gets weird in the third series (WHY does Isobel get MARRIED?!) but WHAT. A. SHOW. The christmas episode where Max heals all the sick kids??? crying. When he shows up from the future and Liz has to break up with him in the present? crying. When he proposes with a lump of coal that he turns into a diamond? crying. When Maria breaks up with MICHAEL, world's most useless but trying puppy??? CRYING.
Parks and Rec/The Office. I'm putting these two together because they are very similar, in vibe, in purpose, in genre etc. I kind of don't even feel like I need to explain because everyone knows, y'know? We all watch and love these shows (generally speaking; you don't need to tell me if you are the exception!). They are fun and comfort.
The Class. Did it run for one series and then disppear completely? Yep. Do I still think about it? Yep. It would probably have ended being lumped in with the two above, as it was a comedy about a guy who proposes to his girlfriend (whom he met in second grade) by organising a second grade reunion, and then she says no lol. But it brings people back together etc. and things ensue. Would honestly pay my own money to have that show back again.
Scrubs. A lot of the jokes have aged badly, ngl, but I love this show. My sister and I still quote it to each other. And yes, I own the box set.
The Great [Insert Craft Here] Show. That includes Bake Off, Sewing Bee, Pottery Showdown and Blown Away. Bake Off has got less good over the years, but generally like, nice competition shows where people do their craft and make amazing things and it's all pretty feel-good and inspiring.
Supernatural. It would be dishonest of me not to include this. I am, as with Grey's, not caught up (I'm somewhere around series 10 or 11? I don't remember because I very much lost interest but I would like to finish it one day). This is probably the first thing my little sister and I truly bonded over? We both went mad insane in 2010-11 when we first discovered this show and the earlier series are still good. Shout out to my friend who made me watch the first episode at her house and got me into it!! Or I'd have still insisted it looked too scary (LMAO). Oh also, What Is and What Shall Never Be is also one of my favourite episodes of TV.
I feel like this list gives you a very clear insight into the shit I like to watch on TV and no, none of it is hard-hitting documentaries or complicated dramas. TV time is brainless time, thank you very much.
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Annual Writing Self-Evaluation 2022
Annual Writing Self-Evaluation 2022
Shamelessly stolen from @larrysballetslippers
1. Number of stories posted to AO3 this year: 10
2. Word count posted for the year: 83.245 (WTF??)
3. Fandoms I wrote for: One Direction
4. Pairings: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles/Niall Horan
5. Story with the most:
Kudos: I Hope We Never Change
Bookmarks: I Hope We Never Change
Comments: love drunk, waiting on a miracle
More under the cut.
6. Work I’m most proud of (and why):
I Hope We Never Change was my first story and I've put a lot of heart into it. But I also have to mention my advent fic love drunk, waiting on a miracle. Writing 30k words in just three weeks is something I could never have seen myself do. It has been a challenge but I am soo glad I did it.
7. Work I’m least proud of (and why):
I Hope We Never Change Yeah I'm really proud of this one, but I also know I could've done soo much better. As is often the case with your first work, I think.
8. Share or describe a favourite review you received:
This one, because I love when a comment reflects what I wanted to portray. Makes me feel like I've done a good job. Same with this one. And I loved this one, too.
I also received some video reaction from my lovely beta @liberty-barnes which is just something else I love that soo much. <3
But honestly, I cry about almost every comment. I'm just soo grateful people enjoy my silly lil writing.
9. A time when writing was really, really hard:
Finishing Every Snowflake Is Different (Just Like You) was really hard. I struggled with fitting the pieces together a lot
10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:
No really a scene, but then again REALLY a scene XD, but writing Slow Hands really wasn't on by bucket list. It was, if nothing else, a great writing exercise and I'm happy people liked it even tho it had Narry in it XD. (also, if anyone sees this as a kinda sequel to I Hope We Never Change, I will not disagree, although I didn't write it like that it might very well be)
11. A favourite excerpt of your writing:
"All that will ever matter to me is you. My sexuality could never be more important. I haven't figured out what I am yet, but I know I’m yours. And I want you to always be mine. Whether that be my boyfriend, girlfriend, my partner.” (I Hope We Never Change)
12. How did you grow as a writer this year:
When I started again in June after almost ten years of not writing anything, I didn't think I would ever post anything. And now here I am, with 10 stories and over 80k words and I can't quite believe that even happened and that people would enjoy my writing at all.
13. How do you hope to grow next year:
There are a lot of areas I struggle with. Writing a scene with lots of people for example. I hope to get out of my comfort zone a bit next year.
14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):
@liberty-barnes Miah, you already know this, but none of these stories would exist without you. Thank you soo much ily<3
@footy-met-mussy Tricia, you were my first real "fan" (lol) and I'm soo happy every time you comment on my fics or leave a tag or anything. ily
15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:
Definitely. Gender stuff is always very close to my heart, but I'm sure loads of my own insecurities blend into my stories as well
16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:
This will sounds like no advice at all, but just write. Doesn't matter if it's good, doesn't matter if it makes sense, doesn't matter if anything's missing. I have so many things marked as unfinished, so many half written sentences (mark those, otherwise your beta will be very confused XD sorry @liberty-barnes :*)
If I have a scene in my head I'll write it even if it's just a few sentences. I can always change it later if it doesn't quite fit anymore, but at least I have it written down.
17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:
Yes, I have a pretty big project planned. Can't wait to start writing.
18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.
@liberty-barnes @neondiamond @harryslonecurl @bananaheathen @wabadabadaba @lunarheslwt @itsnotreal @disgruntledkittenface @alwaysxlarrie @tommokat and anyone else who wants to
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How to make a strong academic comeback
My academic year started in February, and now it's August, which means I slacked off for nearly 6 months. I couldn't cope up with the academic pressure. Spent some months trying out new things ,hanging out with friends, trying to understand the new concepts and terms of the brand new fatass books. When the first exam knocked at the door, I couldn't help but cry looking at the 100 pages long syllabus just for one subject. With all the 13 subjects and huge syllabus, I did not know how to study all these just for 10 marks. It was like trying to swim in an ocean just after learning swimming . It was the same scenario for most of my friends. Just to fuel up my anxiety, my nerdy friends would say they haven't studied anything yet. I, of course, knew what "anything" actually meant. However, I crammed for exams and forgot most of them eventually, and of course, my score wasn't up to the mark . But I wasn't that serious because it was the same for all of us .It did bother me though, i just didn't let it affect it much until it hit me that my board exam is just 11 months away and ive hardly started anything . I am lagging behind in so many subjects. So it came to me that I SERIOUSLY NEED TO MAKE A COME BACK . And I did made a successful comeback and I am sure you will do too. So,
HERE'S MY GUIDE TO MAKE A SASSY COMEBACK.
I swear it truly works if you struggle to be consistent like me.
1. CLEAN UP YOUR DESK RIGHT NOW
Put on some music on and just clean the desk, please. I know it might sound either ridiculous or classic to some of you. But believe me, it's the game changer. Why, you ask? Because,
• It will be the source of motivation to study
• You will be aware of your study materials
• You will find out so many things that you thought were lost for months (I found 2 pens that i lost a year ago)
• You will have a clear idea about the study materials you need.
• You might find your inspiration to study harder (like I found my old to-do list diary, and it reminded me how I nailed my national exam). It might boast up your confidence level.
• Find out unused pages that you can easily reuse.
• Let your mind wander, and it will relieve stress.
• Finally, you will have a clean and arranged desk and a motivated clear mind.
Next,
2. Take a paper and a pen
Write down all the pending works . I know it's hard. Take time if you need it, sometimes, we don't acknowledge what we are lagging behind, so use the motivation and get going.
I urge you to do this on the same day. If you did these 2 things you can either call it a day or you can
3. Put a timer of 5 mins and start studying 1 topic
leave it after 5 mins . In this way, this unfinished task won't leave your mind, and you will feel intrigued to finish it. (source: yt :in59seconds )
4. Wake up 15 mins earlier next day and move your body
You will feel a lot better I swear. Try to stretch everyday after waking up for 7 days .
These 4 minimal task is easy to follow. I dare you to stop reading from here and get your asses up to get some work done. I wish you luck on your sassy comeback. You got this.
I will be back with more tips and tricks like this. So stay tuned and comment down if these tips helped you and update me with your sassy comeback. Love you.
#education#college life#school#studyblr#study motivation#study blog#studygram#sassy#motivating quotes#cool#lesson plan#notes#study desk#movies#pride month#moodboard#catfinder#lfc#girlboss fr#future#self love#love#planning#calendar#instagram#productivityboost#comeback:fight
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ITBOMM Extras/Drafts + Announcement
Fandom: WMMAP
Rating: G
Ship: Eventual Lucathy, Felily, Calena, and more
Note: the Twin Sibling AU that i tried so hard not to write, but i DID, so naturally i have to call myself out for writing it. will be cross-posted on ao3 and wattpad under the same title
A/N: oof this chapter kinda ran outta my hands and went from 4k to 5k+ lmao i also sort of just glossed over some details, but i’ll eventually go a little more in-depth at a later time
Arc 1: Beginning of the End
0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8
Arc 2: Of Princes and Villainesses
9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21
Side Story: maybe, i’m afraid (verena/athanasios)
1 | 2
[Extras/Rewrite Announcement]
A/N:
Long time since my last update, and I will apologize for that since I didn't expect it to have been that long since then lmao
I've been rewriting ITBOMM!!!!!!
The reason for this is because there's a lot of scenes that I wanted to write, and a lot of storybuilding that I didn't have back then that I do now. There's a lot of interactions that I never got to write out prior to the timeskips, and there's a lot of relationships I'd like to better establish instead of just tossing everyone into the scenes in one chapter.
I'll be posting the rewrite under a new story as "re: in the back of my mind" and I'll be changing the title of this fic to ITBOMM. I'll be posting extra scenes, my outline, etc here, and mark it as complete.
CW: There is a scene where someone commits suicide. For those who wish to avoid it, I will be marking it as *** and ending the scene with the same marking. It isn't explicit and detailed, but I will still be marking it.
————————————————————
Speak of the devil, and he shall appear — or so the saying goes. He didn’t expect Odysseus to actually start attending their music lessons together, but he supposes that it doesn’t actually matter in the end. It should be a blessing in disguise, since it meant he could get to know the kid and regain some memories.
Should be, in theory.
Rather, what matters is how awkward Athanase feels when it comes to hanging out with a future anti-monarchy revolutionary leader, since his mother had stepped out of the room for several minutes. If you don’t see the issue with this, then allow me to paint the problem:
They were alone together. A member of the monarch’s family, and a future anti-monarch revolutionary.
“What did Your Highness say to make Lady Durk cry?” Odysseus had asked after a short while of silence. He seemed curious, despite his blank stare and monotone voice. Maybe he was just as bored as Athanase is, since they were both reading music scores and doing nothing but reviewing what they had just gone over while Countess Nightingale was out discussing something with Felix.
It was naïve of Athanase to think that nobody would’ve found out about Autumn. Felix was one thing, but if anyone else saw her crying, they’d think he was turning out to be more like his father, maybe. They knew Felix would keep his mouth shut, but if it were anyone else who saw her cry, word would spread like fire. For both of their sakes, he hoped she got away without being seen, but apparently not.
Still… it could’ve been worse. Odysseus was asking in a one on one conversation, without anyone else. Countess Nightingale didn’t seem like a blabbermouth, and the maids value their own life to gossip about the Imperial Prince’s playmate with other nobles around.
So that limited the amount of people who saw. Maybe Irene saw the crying and decided to get her brother to pry into the matter? It made sense…
At least it wasn’t his father — he’d probably ask if Athan found her to be a displeasing friend.
“Huh?” He blinked owlishly, trying to look as confused as he hoped he did. “What’re you talking about, Sir Odysseus? Why would big sis Verena cry?”
Athan was pretty fucking adorable — he knew this and was confident about this fact. He and Athy were blessed with damn good genes. Maybe, on a very slim chance, Odysseus would think he’s a cute and harmless person and that Autumn didn’t actually cry because of him.
“Hmm.”
Maybe his adoration for Ferdie was too strong. How the hell could anyone remain indifferent to his cute face?
. . .
Ah, he spoke too soon, Athanase thought, his eyes noticing the slightest red hue gracing Odysseus’ cheeks. The boy in question simply looked away as he muttered under his breath.
“Well… deserved…”
…?
Did he just scoff? His eyes had looked away, but Athanase could sense that there was a hint of scorn in his muttered voice. He was curious about what Odysseus actually said, but…
If he didn’t know any better, it sounded an awful lot like…
No, it couldn’t be.
Odysseus may be OOC for a character in Toska, but he was still a kid. Granted, no kids to his memories were ever really polite and cordial for the most part, but this was a world with a nobility setting.
(“Would you call me crazy, if I told you that I went back in time?” or so implies whatever character in a cliché rofan manhwa scenario.
Athanase waves the thought away.)
“I don’t know what you think might’ve happened, Sir Odysseus,” Athanase simply smiled. “Care to share your thoughts?”
“Ah, it was simply my imagination, Your Highness,” Odysseus politely responded with an obviously fake smile attached with the false pleasantries. “Forgive me for misunderstanding what happened. I was rather concerned if Lady Durk offended the Imperial Family.”
The way Odysseus apologized felt as if he were mocking him, especially with that twinkle in his eyes. He seemed greatly amused, actually. And it sounded like he himself saw her cry.
Maybe he wanted to know if his “rival” was out of the picture. Or miserable, depending on who he’s obsessed with.
Athan wanted none of Odysseus’ drama-starting shit.
‘He’s more of a brat than I thought,’ Athan absentmindedly thought, instead opting to refocus on his music sheet.
——————————
He could feel eyes staring at him, bearing into his soul.
A glance up, with a smile on his face, he sees his father, looking at him from where he sat at the dining table. Judging by the fact that Athy was nowhere to be seen, it was just Athan who arrived early.
“Good morning, papa!” Athan greeted sweetly, giving him a proper bow before moving to take his seat.
When he sits down he notices his father staring at him. Despite seeming expressionless, he couldn’t help but sense an unspoken displeasure.
Strange, did Athan do something wrong?
‘Maybe he just hates seeing my face as opposed to Athy,’ Athan absentmindedly thought, feeling a pang of bitter disappointment. It was hard not to hate his sister, even though she hadn’t done a damn thing.
The doors open up and in walks Felix holding Athanasia, who he promptly lets down after a glare from his father. He watches her dart around the table, the slightest blur of blonde heading towards their father, giving the man in question a hug.
Huh. When did Athy start getting so affectionate with him?
——————————
Interacting with Athy is, to put it bluntly, weird.
The realization that the original Athanasios hated his older sister made it hard to think of her as the same dumbass sister he cared about. On top of that, the loss of his twin telepathy made it difficult for him to understand her thought process now as if they were strangers. Knowing her, she was probably screeching profanities at him for ignoring her, since she didn’t know what was happening.
Her thoughts were always so loud, too…
Losing the telepathy was a huge blow, because now it left them with only one faucet of their personalities. He had a role to play as a sweet and gentle musician genius, while Athy was a cheerful and friendly prodigy who enjoyed learning. Their telepathy allowed them to just be two young adults in the same unfortunate circumstance.
But, he didn’t want to reconcile with her, if he had to be honest. It was necessary for the sake of convenience, yes, but unwanted.
Unlike him, Athanasia was “complete” in his eyes. She wasn’t burdened by lack of memories, she wasn’t shackled with comparisons purely by being recognized as a genius. Maybe she was the golden child, favoured by looking the most and acting like their mother.
His sister was not controlled by her memories and lack thereof. Not like he was, with his obsession with memories.
Even so, their conversation was inevitable.
He knew it was, and with most of his memories all over the place, he just didn’t want to talk about it. Talking about his lack of memories would only invite questions that he couldn’t answer, questions that he himself wasn’t ready to hear.
‘She doesn’t need to know that this is my third life,’ he concludes, ‘But I’ll tell her about Autumn, otherwise she’ll be too wary of her being so close to me. She already wasn’t happy about me going to Arlanta, either, but Felix managed to get his foot in the door negotiation-wise.’
Felix opens the door, allowing him to poke his head in and see his sister and her playmate.
“Athy, can I play with you?” Athan asked rather sweetly with a smile. “Big sis Verena wanted to talk to Lucas.”
“Of course, Athan!” Athy cheered, smile wide and clearly fake.
Lucas only raised a brow at the odd request from Autumn, but Athan supposed it was justified. Lucas was an outlier, and Autumn wanted to figure out if he really is an unrelated person to this world.
Maybe he’s a transmigrator like them, Athan truthfully considered. Like an OC in fanfics — original characters were a hit or miss with him, but he often made exceptions if he was desperate for a fanfic. Lucas seemed like a cliché self-insert OC — black hair and red eyes, a classic combo that would only be a better fit if he was a mysterious stranger with a tragic backstory…
Focus.
“Why have you been ignoring me?” Athy frowned, puffing up her cheeks in clear displeasure. “Ever since I woke up, you never talk to me like normal!”
“Me ignoring you?!” Athan scoffed. “You’re one to talk! You’ve been acting like I don’t even exist!”
“What?”
“What?” he hissed. “What part of that don’t you understand? You’re the genius here.”
——————————
‘Autumn, where are you?!’ Athanase panicked, calmly taking a sip of tea. ‘How do I deal with your obsessive gay son?!’
‘Bitch — where am
I
? Where the fuck’re
you
?!’
Autumn’s thoughts practically screeched at him from across the Marquisate.
——————————
Ferdinand Milford is a surprisingly chatty kid. It often grated on his nerves, but oddly enough, there were moments where he did feel fond of Ferdie’s dumb comments. Maybe the original Athanasios was much more familiar with the guy?
He almost reminded him of Athanasia, whenever she tried to urge him to tag along with her.
How was she adjusting to life without him, especially without the telepathy?
Maybe it’s for the best that he doesn’t know.
——————————
“I don’t get it,” Athanase frowned. “I said the same thing word for word as I remembered, but it only made her angry.”
“Did you do anything different?” Autumn asked.
“Not that I can remember,” he shook his head.
“Well surely you must’ve done something,” Autumn wearily said with a wry smile, finally looking over to him. “Charlotte dislikes men, and yet according to your memories, you and our families were the exceptions.”
“But I really didn’t do anything different…”
“That may be, but you need to remember that you’re not the same person any more. You experienced a childhood where you are loved and cherished. Even if she, too, is cherished by her loved ones, maybe you won’t be able to relate to her at all in this life because you’re no longer the same as you once were.”
He hated that thought — a small part of him desperately wanted to know more about Charlotte.
It was a rather ugly feeling.
“I don’t want that,” he quietly admits. “I want to see her smile.”
“You’re surprisingly stubborn about this,” Autumn blinked.
“I don’t remember much, but she was important to me.”
——————————
“I… don’t want to have a painful death.”
She is a beauty beyond compare, though her face was sickly pale with chapped lips. He tries not to note the lack of red hues her lips used to have, nor did he say much as his hands cupped her cold hands. Her eyes are beautiful, but they are now muted orange-yellow sunsets — he still loves them, he still loves her, but it breaks his heart to see her in so much pain.
“Wouldn’t that be nice? Surely you agree, dear.”
“Yeah,” he quietly says, placing his hand next to her as she laid in bed and watching her weakly bring his hand to cup her cheek.
“Do you think I’m being horrid for thinking my family is selfish, love? For saying such horrid things. Mother and father keep telling me to hold on a little longer and have faith,” she weakly huffed. “Sister-in-law keeps telling me that she’ll find someone to save me, and then my elder brother insists that I’ll survive this ordeal, even though he looks away as though ashamed.”
“No,” he wryly smiles, running his fingers through her long blonde hair, watching as her shoulders relax. “I would say the same, if I were plagued with this cursed affliction without a known cure.”
“Truly, my beloved understands me best,” she smiles in return, and he notices how her eyes grow misty. “Am I terrible, having these bad thoughts? For wanting them to cut it out and be realistic?”
“Of course not,” his eyes softened. “They’re trying to handle the situation by having hope, but it’s hurting you the most.”
“I know they mean well,” she states as tears begin to fall. “But it makes me feel all the more guilty for leaving them.”
“Yeah, I know,” he nods, taking his handkerchief out as he wipes away her tears.
——————————
“I will leave you and the princess be — I won’t even try to covet her holy beast. In exchange, I ask that you don’t interfere with the wish I must grant.”
“And whose wish are you talking about?”
“Why, my princess, of course. Isn’t it obvious?” she smiled at him. “Even if she’s not the same person, I must accomplish what’s been asked.”
——————————
“Would you hate me,” [][][][][][][][][] had started, looking off into the horizon, “If I were to be consumed by my short-sighted quest for revenge? If I abandon my ideals of knighthood in exchange for the power it takes to defeat those who have wronged us? If I were to ever become the monster that I had sought to destroy… what would happen, if I stray?”
He raised his hand to cup [][][][][][][][][]’s cheek, speaking gently, tenderly, “I would kill you myself.”
His eyes softened.
“Good.”
——————————
***
She sits on the windowsill, calm and quiet as the wind brushes through her long pale blonde hair. The weight of her dress fell at her sides, a clear indication that she was skinnier than before. Her face sullen, and the skin of her hands had hugged her so that he could see the bone structure.
So, he dimly thinks as realization creeps up on him as if it had always been a known fact. This was the reason why she was hiding away. Up in a room away from everyone in the mansion.
[][][][][][][][][] twirled a flower between her fingers. If anyone from noble society saw her now, they might actually believe her to be a mere ghost, waiting for her time to come.
“[][][][][][],” he quietly says, watching as his beloved wistfully twirls the flower in her hand.
“Ah. I’ve been caught.”
Despite the nonchalant response, she looked rather guilty.
Guilty about taking off without him, he knows.
“You’re leaving.”
It was not a question.
[][][][][][] doesn’t smile at him, and instead wistfully smiles at the flower in her hand.
A precious and pretty flower that will soon wither away.
(She, too, will wither away.)
“I am glad that it was you who found me, and not another soul, my dove.”
He was speechless.
She was now leaving.
She was now leaving by choice.
“Maybe in another life, we would have had a chance,” [][][][][][] bitterly chuckles, her eyes dull from losing its vibrant shine, her dry pale lips curled like wilted flowers.
The sun was shining behind her, illuminating her presence.
She was beautiful, as always, forever in his eyes.
Always tragically beautiful.
“Maybe next time,” she breathes.
At that moment, she finally looks at him, properly then.
“Maybe next time,” he smiles at her, because that’s what she would want to see in her final moments, and she smiles back, elation clear in her eyes.
That was it, he thinks, that’s the smile he longed to see.
. . .
And then she…
And then, she was gone.
“Maybe next time,” he tells himself, finally crumpling to the ground as the tears pour out and his smile withers away.
Maybe next time, he would’ve had the strength to save her from herself.
Maybe next time.
***
——————————
‘What the fuck do I do?!’ Autumn internally screamed, clutching her teacup as Claude’s eyes bore into her.
‘Spit it out!’ Athan cried. ‘Spill the tea!’
Without much thought, Verena coughed, her tea spilling onto her.
“Are you okay, Lady Verena?!” Lady Iris, who was seated at her side, immediately reached out her handkerchief to Autumn.
“Ah… my apologies,” Autumn demurely stated, taking the handkerchief calmly, despite the internal screaming that only Athanase could hear. “I didn’t expect the tea to be as bitter as it was, so the fault lies with me…”
“We’ll just have to make sure there’s more sugar next time for you, Lady Verena,” Athan smoothly stated as he smiled at her before looking at Claude who continued to stare on with a frown. “Papa, may I be excused, so I can show Lady Verena where the dressing rooms are?”
Claude didn’t bother to hide his displeasure, as he narrowed his eyes at Autumn with the most loathsome look. “You are to return as soon as you’re done,” he stated with a more neutral look as his focus returned to Athanase, looking rather disinterested despite Felix seeming to hold back a laughing fit. “There will be no delays.”
“Of course, papa!” Athan chirped as he and Autumn left the room.
. . .
“So scary!” Autumn let out a heavy gasp as she leaned against Athan’s shoulder the moment the doors closed. “If looks can kill, I’d be dead again!”
“Chill, bro. You’re overreacting,” Athan rolled his eyes at her dramatics as he snapped his fingers, instantly cleaning the tea stains. She shot him a confused look. “Dad doesn’t know yet, but I’ve been getting better at magic.”
“He’s gonna murder me in cold blood if he finds out I know that fact before him,” Autumn cried, her face getting red and blotchy. “I have to walk on eggshells if I value my life.”
“Yeah, yeah, wallow about my so-called tsundere dad,” Athan shook his head at her dramatics. “I’ll at least walk you to the dressing room before I leave you alone, so you can focus on planning your funeral.”
“How nice,” Autumn pouted, wiping her eyes with the handkerchief Iris gave. “A companion until my demise.”
——————————
“Dance with me,” Autumn says, looking at him softly. “Stop thinking about it, about them, and just savour the moment we have in this peace and quiet.”
“…I don’t think I can do that.”
“I understand that you have a broken heart,” Autumn whispered, placing her hand over his. “And you can cry all you’d like, but it helps to grieve over something that wasn’t meant to be bit by bit.”
“…you sound like you’ve had your own heart broken.”
“Yes,” Autumn softly murmured. “My heart never stood a chance.”
When did she get a broken heart? She never told him anything in their past life.
“You sound as if you were in love.”
“I was.”
“Who was it?”
“…someone who had no future.”
——————————
“It’s difficult being bisexual in a noble society where it just doesn’t seem to be the norm,” Verena sighed.
“Try being an actual member of the royal family and bisexual. Athy keeps teasing me about the gentlemen — not sure why she’s not teasing me about my potential suitors, but I’m thankful that she hasn’t,” Athan dryly stated. “What’s up with everyone, anyway? There’s not a single ugly person out of all the people I’ve encountered,” he looked at Verena and wrinkled his nose in distaste. “Including you, too.”
“As a marriage candidate of yours, I suppose I should be grateful you think of me to be attractive,” Autumn pursed her lips, obviously displeased at his compliment. “You’re not a sight for sore eyes either, unfortunately.”
“It’s called having good genes,” Athanase dryly stated. “Is there an actual reason you were wistfully sighing over your sexuality?”
“Lilian York,” Autumn simply stated as Felix awkwardly tried to ignore their conversation. Briefly, Athan pitied the guard, but also, he found it quite amusing to watch him feign ignorance in the aftermath of all his conversations with Autumn.
Felix was interested in Lily, wasn’t he? It would be fun to try and tease him…
But still.
“My nanny?” he raised a brow. “Really?”
“She’s young, she’s single, she’s devoted,” Autumn huffed, placing a hand on her hip. “She’s pretty, she’s very sweet and kind, she’s mother material—”
“—Alright, you’ve made your point,” he interrupted, pinching the bridge of his nose. “And you’ve also made it abundantly clear that you’ve no interest in anyone in our generation. It’s not like you can make it even more clear.”
He froze.
That sounded like a challenge.
Athan did not intend to challenge her.
For a moment, Autumn is quiet. There’s a sinking feeling in his chest, as if he’ll loathe this conversation for years to come. They make eye contact.
“Don’t—” Athan hissed.
“Duke Robain,” Autumn seriously stated as Felix immediately choked and stared at them in baffled disbelief. Athan didn’t blame him, he would’ve reacted the same way if Autumn mentioned his own father. Even then, his father wouldn’t be too terrible of an answer since Duke Robain was likely in his 50s-60s by now. To an outsider, it would simply make Autumn seem as if she were into grandparents.
She probably would’ve said his father’s name, if she didn’t value her own life. It was fortunate that she gave no fucks after Felix found out about her interests in mothers and fathers.
Still, he made a face, wrinkling his nose as he very much judged her blatant disregard for manners.
“Can you not?”
“Duke Robain.”
He heaved a heavy sigh, deliberately choosing to ignore her as he takes a sip of his tea.
“Duke. Robain.”
“I heard you the first time, and I prefer to leave it at that,” Athan flatly shot back, placing his cup of tea back down. “Now, will you kindly shut up?”
She did not kindly shut up.
“He’s gorgeous, Prince Athanase!” Autumn seemed to practically swoon. “Duke Robain is my ideal man. The silver-grey is a lovely combination with his red hair, and his voice is just—!” Autumn squealed. “And he’s just so gentlemanly.”
“Duke Robain is, what, three times our physical age, now?” he rubbed his temple, feeling a headache creeping in. “And need I remind you that we haven’t even debuted yet, at the very least?”
“He’s only, like, 45, last I recall,” Autumn confidently stated. Well shit, there goes his guess. He keeps forgetting that high society’s wack like that with their marriages and crap. “And Duke Robain has yet to remarry. And you debut in four years — we have time. I need to plan a memorable first meeting!”
“Right…” he slowly spoke, his eyes trailing away from his companion and over to Felix, who appeared very much horrified by the conversation and very much wishing he never heard a word. “Good luck with that, I suppose.”
——————————
“Don’t!” Odysseus had shouted, trying to cover Athanase’s face. “Don’t look!”
“Sir Odysseus…?”
“Please… don’t try to remember.”
As if mocking Odysseus, the flames roared, a scream accompanying it.
And Athan, he… he…
He blacks out.
. . .
Everything ached in a way that felt unfamiliar to him.
He hears the cackling fire and frowns, opening his eyes. The room was getting uncomfortably warm, and he couldn’t move much, nor could he speak.
And that’s when he sees it — a fire burning the building, reaching towards him in an agonizingly slow pace. He tried to break away, only to realize that he was tied to a chair, with a piece of cloth over his mouth.
He tried to squirm, but it was no use—
It was only then that he heard a faint shout, screaming for him.
That very same person had reignited the hope he had lost in the midst of despair.
“[][][][][][][][]! Please, answer me! Your Highness, Prince—”
——————————
“You don’t even like physical labour!” Athan stated in clear exasperation.
“Just because I don’t want to be a swordsman doesn’t mean I’m not interested in the art as a writer!” Verena argued back as Athy watched them, taking a sip of her tea as she watched the two argue. “Besides, knights who can use magic are sexy and popular in literature nowadays!”
“You just want to write a love story involving a prince and a knight,” Athan shot back. “You even wrote that smut fic involving, well, you know.”
“That’s not true! That’s not true!” Verena screeched, covering her ears as she pointedly avoided eye contact.
“Says FFN User Starshine-Dreaming!”
“No, no, no!” Verena cried. “Drop it! I stopped writing on FFN for a reason, Athan! When in heavens are you finally going to stop reminding me about it all?!”
“Who knows,” he flatly responded. “Maybe I’ll be reminding you for the same length of time that I’ve waited for a chapter update — several years, bitch.”
“It’s been more than six years! Get over it already, asshole!”
“Six in the previous life, but eight including now!” Athan hissed. “Fourteen years in total, Autumn!”
——————————
“So… I might have fucked up canon this time,” Autumn immediately started the conversation with a pleasant smile on her face.
“Excuse me?” he blinked, taken aback as he looks at her.
“Hari Ernst,” Autumn sheepishly grinned.
“Autumn… what did you do?” he groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Eheh… well, I have a little sister now! Surprise?”
“You didn’t.”
“I did,” she sheepishly nodded, taking a sip of her tea as she avoids eye contact. “Brother and I were out shopping together, we ended up finding Hari, and brother pitied her, so we proposed that maybe we took her into the family. Auntie needs an heiress, last I recall.”
“Dude… didn’t the oldest of the Ernst boys like Hari, even though she practically looks like she could be their sister’s twin with how similar they look to each other? I did not torture myself with reading that damn novel to reach this point, dammit.”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” Autumn nodded. “Besides, didn’t you say that it would be a good idea to befriend the Ernst Family? I hear that they’ll be partaking in the Hunting Competition. Who knows, maybe if the future heiress of the Pompidou Family ends up charming the future Duke of the Ernst Family, we’ll have ourselves a proper alliance by marriage going on.”
“Do you honestly believe, to the gods above, that Eugene would marry into the Pompidou Family?”
“…We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”
——————————
“So, my aunt will be adopting Hari — er, Harley — and it turns out, since my uncle refuses to adopt her since she’s from the streets, she’ll remain a Demirci. When Hari — fuck, Harley —inherits the title, she can keep the name.”
“That doesn’t sound plausible to a noble society…”
“Oh, I don’t doubt that. I just opted to talk to His Majesty.”
“You talked to my dad?”
“All I did was mention that you thought Pompidou is a dumb name and that you felt bad that Hari — HARLEY — was going to be called by that name when she gets older. And that it’d make you really happy if she could go by Demirci, so you should maybe act really cute with His Majesty like Her Highness, Princess Athanasia.”
“…right. Also, you know it’s fine to still call her Hari, right? If anyone notices then just say it’s a nickname.”
“…why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Cause it was funny watching you struggle over something so simple.”
“Wow, what a bitch.”
——————————
“We need to talk.”
Autumn’s smile faltered the moment she heard those words. “Oh no, are we breaking up?”
“What?”
“I swear I’ll change, babe!” Autumn stated, slumping in her seat over the table. “Please don’t leave meeee.”
“Autumn, the fuck’re you on about?”
“You said the classic breakup intro, dude. I had to do it for the sake of our readers. What if they got their hopes up regarding our relationship? No, no! Things like this ought to be clearly defined.”
“…my best friend’s going crazy. Look, nobody would ever ship us — except for maybe a few crazy multi-shippers. Like yourself. Even my sister’s against the very thought of it. She’d rather I start crushing on Ijekiel, and everyone knows how popular I’d be with him! Plus, the majority of our readers don’t want me to end up with a girl.”
“Damn. Way to hurt me right where it hurts the most. I can’t believe I’m un-shippable with my own bestie…”
——————————
“You should be fine,” Autumn snorts, taking a sip from her glass. “Common noble etiquette dictates that you should never approach someone of higher status for a dance. Princess Athanasia is more approachable. Just frown at everyone and you’ll be good.”
“So I should treat them like bugs the same way my dad does,” Athan concluded.
——————————
***
“As you already know by now,” she weakly says, “Athanasios died. In my rewrite, I tried to figure out a way to keep him alive, I wanted to give the twins a happy ending.”
That was surprising — she never told him that.
“No matter what I tried to write, I couldn’t imagine him being alive at the end of Toska. Somehow, or some way, he was going to end up dying. It was the main reason why I stopped posting updates in the first place. I wanted to finish it, though, at least for you, when I found out that you read my story. I wanted to finish rewriting Toska for you, but then you…”
But then he died.
She had no reason to finish her story, if the one she rewrote it for wouldn’t even be there to read it.
“And it was… it was the same. For Athanasios. He…” she refused to look up from her teacup, but he could already see where she was going with this.
“Athanasios died in your rewrite.”
Just like he did.
Verena says nothing, but that alone is enough of an answer.
Athanase slowly nods as dawning realization washes over him. And he remembers that dream, where he spoke to Diana, and the way he moved closer to the ledge.
.
(He feels a twinge of guilt, a pain in his chest, for what he was about to do.)
.
“He jumped from a tower.”
Nothing.
.
(There is something about him that she sees, and he knows this, because there is a moment that her soft smile crumples. Tears pour out as his mother becomes distraught, sadness splashing him in waves, but he stands still — unyielding. He finally takes a step closer to the balcony, hands touching the cold stone.)
.
“And he chose to do it. He wasn’t pushed, he wasn’t threatened, he wasn’t manipulated, he wasn’t in any danger.”
His throat felt dry.
He knows.
“It was a deliberate choice. Athanasios… he wanted to die.”
.
(An image of Diana standing on the balcony, crying as she tries to stop her son who only shakes his head and smiles, who tells her “I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough.”
The sensation of stepping on the ledge, ignoring his silently crying mother.)
.
“Athanasios got tired of living,” he quietly says.
Verena closes her eyes, tears spilling forth as she never looks at him. She says nothing, again, as he figures it all out, slowly and verbally voicing the thoughts aloud, a sick and twisted feeling rising from within.
He feels nauseous.
.
(An image of long black hair whirling in the wind comes to mind, high up on a rooftop, staring up at the darkening skies above. Lips curling up into a smile as they ignored the painful aches of their bones. The feeling of freedom just within their reach…)
.
“I got tired of living.”
And it should be alarming, really, but it doesn’t surprise him.
He always believed that he wasn’t the sort of person to just… jump to end his life, and yet he did — he has, he had, he might. With a compelling enough reason, it was a magical excuse to end it all.
It just so happened that wanting death was reason enough.
.
(“I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. Maybe next time.”)
.
In his previous life — lives, maybe — he wanted to die.
She doesn’t need to tell him the reason why she never finished the rewrite anymore. He did exactly what Athanasios had done. It must’ve felt terrible, reading your own writing meant for a friend who died, only for that very person to die in the same exact way, albeit in different circumstances and situations, in different places and times.
But for the same reasons.
It still happened, even if he never thought he would consider…
.
(He died.)
.
“You did,” Verena softly confirmed, but she didn’t really have to, not after his memory was steadily returning with more clarity and pain. “And that’s why you died in our last life together.”
People are complicated. They’re irrational or logical, fuelled by motivations or lack thereof. They’re complicated, righteous or morally grey, or downright psychotic or had been sane this whole time. Their actions could be done for stupid or convoluted reasons that most just wouldn’t be able to recognize from the get go.
The answers can be difficult to answer, because sometimes a reason why things happen include multiple issues, little things that build up over time.
And sometimes, the answer he’s been looking for really is as simple as that:
“You were tired, Athanase.”
.
(“I’m… tired.”)
***
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My Happy Ending?? P.3
Word Count: 1788
Marks POV
Jackson and I decided to meet up the next day. What was I going to say? "Hey I'll pay you to date my best friend" What? It sounded like a great idea I my head but once out of my mouth it sounded horrible. Am I feeling guilty for not being there when she needed me? All I'm doing is looking out for her. This won't hurt either of them, right? Jackson walked into the studio with his hood wrapped tightly around his head. Here we go...
Jackson: So why the sudden question? And why so early in the morning you know I'm not a morning person?
Mark: It's a long story. Are you up for it or not?" I had a smirk on my face because I didn't think he'd agree.
Jackson: I am, but wants in it for me?" He was hung over and just wanted to get this over with.
Mark: I thought you'd do it for free.
Jackson: So you expect me to pay for all the dates?? 500$ per date.
Mark: 350?
Jackson: It's all fun and games right? It's not like we'll fall for each other. Make it $500?
Mark: Fine.
We shook hands and just started laughing. There was no way this would go smoothly.
Jackson: Any rules?
Mark: Hmmm idk? Give me some ideas.
Jackson: 1. I can still see other people.
2. I get payment before the date.
3. Physical touch is fine
Mark: How about, nothing more than a peck, you can both see other people, and you get payment after. She's here for 3 months so there will be a minimum of 15 dates.
Jackson: $7500 sounds good to me. Is she in on it?
Mark: Of course not! Don't let her find out or you'll have to pay double. Deal?
Jackson: Sounds perfect, as long as you give me the back story. But why not make this a little more interesting? If I fall for her I give you double and if I don't you give me double.
I was basically gambling my best friend. I mean she was amazing inside and out who wouldn't fall for her? Then again Jackson is constantly surrounded my woman he could easily fall for but doesn't. He knows exactly how to play it cool and how to play with a woman's heart. While thinking it through, this would probably cause Y/N another painful heart break. Buuuut I can't let Jackson win this time around soooo she'll understand right?....
Mark: Fine, I don't see why not..
Y/N POV
I woke up the next morning and he was gone. Ugh I had a huge headache from all the crying. The first thing I did was look for my phone. I had a message from an unknown number?...
##########: SmileDirectClub: You're free whitening kit and electric tooth brush offer expires soon....
So exciting.. Thanks for the good morning text SmileDirectClub. For some reason I was waiting for something a little more exciting. I don't know like maybe a text from one of the guys? I always get my hopes up too soon. Leaving my phone on the coffee table I got up and decided to get dressed. Mark and I had agreed to meet up for lunch. It was just past 10am so I rushed into the restroom to freshen up.
While in the shower I kept thinking about what Mark mentioned last night. He wasn't wrong, like always. It was as if I was letting Christian control my happiness. Sure he ruined our relationship but he was probably enjoying his life not giving a damn about me. So why should I ruin my life over the past?! I got out of the shower feeling more confident than ever. Yes!! I'm an independent woman!! I was not about to spend this time in Seoul crying over what could've been. While hyping myself up in the restroom there was a knock on the door. Shoot, I covered up with a towel and rushed to the door thinking it was Mark, but I was wrong.
Jackson: Can I come in?
I was so confused, frozen in place, starstruck to be exact. He nodded to see if he would get a reaction from me.
Y/N: Oh, yeah sure.
I waved for him to come in, completely oblivious to the fact that I was only wearing a towel. His eyes examined me from head to toe. I didn't even care, I was so distracted by his gorgina face! Ugh I will never get over that smile. Finally realizing what was happening I quickly ran to the bedroom to get dressed.
Y/N: Take a seat I'll be out in a minute!
Jackson: Take your time.
What was he doing here??? I was about to call Mark when I remembered I left my phone on the coffee table! AHHHH! I ran out of the room without thinking, grabbed my phone, and ran back. I could hear him giggling. Jeez, even his giggling was gorgina! Yes, I was still wearing the towel..
Mark: Hello?
Y/N: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HE WAS COMING OVER!!" I was whisper yelling of course. There was no way I was letting Jackson hear me!
Mark: I'm sorry! He asked if he could see you all of a sudden. I wasn't going to deny him.
Y/N: What? What am I supposed to say? What do I wear? Wait, did he say he liked me??? I'M PANICKING HERE!!!
Mark: Chill out he probably just wants to get to know you. Loosen up and you'll be fine. I'm here if you need me.
Y/N: Ok but what do I...
And with that, Mark hung up. That little rat did this on purpose!
Ok can I just say I was looking mighty fine. Yeah I might've taken almost an hour to get ready but anyway. I walked out and..
Jacksons POV
Jackson: So he cheated on her?
Mark: Correct..
Jackson: And where were you when all this went down?
Mark: here...
He looked ashamed, there was no point in putting him on blast for something he didn't really have control over. We were here because this was him trying to make up for his absence in the situation so why not help out? Although I wanted to be upset at this whole cheating story, I barley even knew Y/N. There's never a good reason to cheat but was there maybe something wrong on the inside? She was absolutely beautiful on the outside but maybe there was something on the inside that wasn't? I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt but I was a little skeptical. Maybe this little mission would help me heal as well....
Time Skip
She finally came out of her room. Man, she looked beautiful. I'll have to play things low, maybe not even show interest? Or maybe be over flirtatious? My strategy for this mission was not decided on yet. I won't over think and just see where things go. I have a date with Em later anyway so things should get wrapped up fairly quickly. An acting gig, yeah, that's what this will be.
Authors POV
Although the sun was showing, the air was crisp and it was the time of year for a warm hoodie. You noticed it would get pretty cold late in the evening when you would go for a convenience store run. Jackson was geared up with his jacket, a beanie, sunglasses, and a mask. I don't know who he was trying to fool because anyone would be able to recognize him from a mile away. You wore a cute but very simple outfit.
You could never go wrong with an all black outfit. Jackson escorted you out to his car. Like a gentleman he opened the door and waited until you put on your seatbelt before he went to the driver seat.
Jackson: I thought we could grab lunch and maybe get to know each other? Sound good?
Y/N: Sure! Why so sudden though? Not that I'm complaining or anything but..
Jackson: I think you're cute.... so let's just call this a date.
He was looking straight at you with a simple smile on. It all seemed so natural. You didn't feel nervous, as if you knew him and he you. You couldn't help but smile back. You were about to start overthinking about the whole running into the sunset imagine but you stopped yourself "Take one step at a time Y/N"
After arriving, you were sat at a table. While eating, Jackson blew you away. He was kind, humble, respectful, and hilarious. His laugh was so contagious. You weren't going to let him have all the fun so cracked a few jokes of your own. Every time he would laugh you would giggle at his goofy gestures. The waiter had come over to check up on you when Jacksons phone began to ring.
Jackson: Sorry I have to take this.
You gestured for him to go ahead. Without even noticing you guys had been talking for over 2 hours. Maybe 3-4 minutes passed before he returned.
Jackson: Hey." He smiled too reassure that his happiness hadn't faded while on the phone.
Y/N: Hi" You smiled like an idiot.
Jackson: Do you mind if we cut things short?
Y/N: Oh no not at all.
You were a little sad that you had to part ways but you kept it to yourself. He paid the bill and helped you gather your things. On the way back to your airbnb the jokes continued. It wasn't bad for a first date. You really enjoyed yourself and the company he gave you, but you were sure this wasn't the only side Jackson had. When you finally arrived Jackson walked you to your door.
Jackson: Again I'm really sorry for cutting it short.
Y/N: Don't worry about it I understand.
You were standing outside the door and his phone rang again.
Jackson(on the phone): Hey I said I'll be there in a minute babe calm down.
He hung up and looked at your shocked face. You tried to play it cool.
Y/N: Ok well I'll head in thanks for everything! I enjoyed our time together this was soooooo fun have a great rest of your day remember who you are make good choices hahahaha
You gave him a smile, rushed inside, and slammed the door without letting him speak a word.
Y/N POV
What the hell? Please tell me he calls everyone babe I'll take that over an actual girlfriend any day!! No No Nooooo Don't get your hopes up Y/A! It's the first date. WAIT!! What if he's a 2 timing weasel????? Nooo he doesn't give off those vibes! It can't be! Who cares!! This was just a little one time thing RIGHT!!!!! AHHHHHHHH I need to call Mark!....
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Hot Lifeguard (Emily Sonnett x reader)
My first story. Sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language. Opened for suggestions.
It was just another day at work. Days like this were one of my favorites. Just a few people at the beach and less people in the water, that is almost the perfect scenario for a lifeguard. Because normally that means no incidents. My shift was almost over, just one more hour and I could go home to prepare for dinner tonight with my girlfriend.
Right now I am sitting at the cabbing along with Josh, my partner for the day.
“No fucking way” I heard Josh yell while loking at something through the glass.
“What? What did you see?” I asked “You’re not going to believe who just arrived at the beach” “Well, if you give me the binoculars I could see by myself.” “There is no need to. Look at the group over there.” He said pointing to a place in the sand “Okay, I’m looking but I’m not getting it.”
Just as I said that I saw a blond girl running a few meters at the sand and trying to do a cartwheel on the sand and failing miserably, ending with her butt at the sand. Yep, now I know of who Josh is talking about.
“Girl, that is the US women’s soccer team, seems like the whole team is in here.” He was really excited “Josh, clean it right here…” (I rubbed my hand on my chin and he copied me) “Why?” He asked, after seeing nothing on her hand “You’re drooling.” “Oh, fuck up.” She pushes me and keeps looking at the team, it wasn’t the whole team but is probably half of the girls.
“Okay, I’m gonna say hi. Do you wanna come?” Josh asked me “You can go, someone has to stay here and actually do the work.” Josh rolled his eyes but got the walktalk. “Fine, I would tell them you say hi, I’m bringing the walktalk” “Go there looser.”
I was just watching a few surfers at the beach, when I looked to my left and saw Josh coming back with the group of girls following him. He gave me a sign for me to come down.
“So Y/n these are the players from USWNT and girls this is Y/n.” “Hi girls, I actually know you all, I’m a big fan, you’re all badasses.” “Thank you. We heard that so was you.” Ashlyn said and Alex followed. “Josh here went to say hi and told us that his coworker was a woman and a badass so we needed to come check out.” “Well, it’s my pleasure to meet you.”
“For how long have you been working here?” Ali asked. “In this part of the beach not much, but as a lifeguard, 10 years.” The girls were shocked “Oh, 10 years? Sorry to ask but how old are you?” “25” “You can be a lifeguard while you’re 15?” “Yes. I was a good swimmer and at a young age I started to learn surfing, I always loved the water. So one day I got the opportunity to be a lifeguard at a waterpark near home, since then I never stopped. And soon as I had enough experience to be a lifeguard at the beach I moved and here I am.” Tobin spoke this time. “So do you also surf?” Before I could answer, Josh interrupted us “Oh yeah, this is almost like an unofficial rule to be a lifeguard, and Y/n is like the best here. Sorry girls, but I’ll go upstairs and check the beach” “Bye Josh, it was a pleasure to meet you.” The girls said and then looked back at me.
“I’m probably not that good, but yes I can surf.” “We would love to see that, it’s a shame you’re at work.” Tobin answered. “Isn’t your shift ending?” Emily spoke this time, I looked at her and the sun was hitting her face, making her blue eyes shine, she is so beautiful. “Yeah, actually. I have probably just one more hour left.”
“So what about you meeting us after it and we can see how good you actually are?” Ashlyn asked me with a smirk. “That is a challenge Ashlyn?” “You can bet on it.” Ali smacks Ashlyn in the back of her head. “Ashlyn, you can’t go out challenging people.” “Just a moment girls.”
I interrupted whoever was saying, as soon as I spotted something on the ocean. I climbed the ladder from the cabin and called for Josh. “Josh!” “Yeah boss!” “Look at the water, 10 o’clock. What do you see?” “There is noth… shit looks like two people. Maybe kids. Go!” I jump in the sand and get the surfboard. “Sorry girls, and it’s a bet Ash.” I ran as fast as I could toward the people, wishing this day could end as good as it started.
As I was getting closer to them I noticed that one of them was a little girl, around 5 years old and the other was a boy around 12 years old. I was going as fast as I could but it looked like it wasn't enough. As I was about to get to them, the boy pushed the girl up, and sank. Fuck!
“Help! Lucas!” I got the girl, put her over the board and tried to find the boy but he didn’t get back up. What should I do? I looked up and saw the girl was using diving glasses. “Can you lend me this? Okay, look, you see these ropes? Hold them as strong as you can and don’t let them go. I’ll get Lucas.”
I know it look like a stupid ideia, let the girl up there by herself, but if I wait for Josh to get here the boy could be dead. So I got in the water and dived trying to find the boy. I surf back up, check with the little girl, get some breath and dive back. I was almost giving up when I felt something on my left leg and when I looked at it was him. So I get his hand and rise back. “Lucas!!” I got back on the board, laid him down and asked for the girl to sit in front of me holding the ropes. He’s unconscious, I need to get to the beach as fast as possible.
I got to the beach and Josh was already there with the equipment and said he had already called an ambulance. I barely got that, the boy was my first priority, I looked up and saw the national team girls were close. “Hey little girl, you see these women over there?” She nodded. “Stay with them, for me to take care of Lucas okay?” She didn’t want to let go of him, must be her brother. Probably noticing my expression, Emily came over and got the girl, she started to scream. But my focus was somewhere else now. The boy wasn’t breathing, so I started the compression. “Come on, come on. Spit the water. Come on Lucas, you can do it.” I must be doing it for like 1 minute, but it felt like an hour, when the boy spit the water. “Good boy. Calm down, you’re safe now.” I put him on oxigen, and the ambulance arrived just in time as he regained consciousness. “Hey boy, what’s your name?” The paramedic asked. “Lucas.” “Hi, Lucas. My name is Daniel and I’m a paramedic and I’m going to help you okay? How old are you?” “12. Where is my sister?” “Hey Lucas, it’s okay, she is over there, stay calm okay.”
I looked back at the girl and went to calm her down. “Hey little girl, how are you?” She came running for my arms. “Lucas?” She asked while crying in my arms. “He is better now, you see? He is talking with the doctors now. Where are your parents sweety?” “Don’t know.” And as it was agreed the mother shows up. “Lucas? Lucy?” “Mom!” The little girl ran to the women's arms. “Where is Lucas?” “Hi Mrs, my name is Y/N. Lucas is over there being taken care of. Do you know what happened?” “No, I told them that I was going to get some water and when I came back they weren’t there so I started to freak out and I saw the comotion here.” They start to take the boy to the ambulance. “Okay, Mrs…” “Grey” “Mrs. Grey, they are taking Lucas to the ambulance right now, they will check on him, he drowned trying to save his sister, I’m going to explain everything to you until we get to the ambulance, can you just pack your stuff? Are you alone here?” “Yes, my husband is at work. And I already packed everything, it is in here.” “Good, come on. And I would like Lucy to have a check up as well, she hasn’t drowned but she could have drunk some water. We don’t want to take risks right?” With that I went up to the ambulance with the mom and then let the paramedics do their job. I hope the kid stays good.
I went back to the post and Josh was there. “What a way to end the shift right?” “Thank god, I found the boy under water. Otherwise it would ruin the day.” “Yeah, and the super boss shows up again to save the day.” “Stop.” “Fine, now get out of here. There are some people waiting for you. Go have some fun.” I had completely forgotten about them, time to go say hi, again.
Emily pov
We were still excited about what just happened at the beach.
“She is totally a badass, she was just talking with us and still caught the kids drowning in the water.” Tobin said. “When she left the girl alone at the board I was like ‘what is she doing?’ and then she just got the boy under water, that was amazing.” Christen said “That’s why she is the boss.” Ali complement.
“Okay, but let’s not forget how hot she is. When she ran toward the water, it was just like we were in Baywatch, and her body. God!” “Kelley!!” “What Linds, is not like you don’t agree with me you were drooling watching her doing her job.” Kelley fought back. “I was not…” Lindsey said pouting, Megan put a hand on her shoulder and said. “Sorry Linds but you totally were. But that’s fine, she is hot as fuck and I think that half of the girls here were drooling, even the “straight” ones”. She intensifies the quotation marks.
Then Christen intervened. “She also looks like a good person, she looks smart, determined and kind. You saw her with the little girl?” “Hey, I don’t have a competition do I?” Tobin protested. “Of course not babe, but she may be good for some other girls here. And watch out cause she is coming here.”
I looked behind me and Y/N was coming over, she had changed off her uniform and was now just in her swimming suit, a backpack and a surfboard. She was more beautiful, if that was even possible and hotter.
“Hey girls, my shift is just over. So I remembered that one of you challenged me on surfing. So I want to know if she is still up to it?” Ash stood up “Oh yeah, game on bitch. Tobs, Kell are you coming?” “Of course, let’s go.” Both of them replied.
Some girls went along with them for the water, others decided to take a walk on the sand and others were just going to lay and get a tan. Before Y/N followed the girls to the water she came near me. “So, beautiful, can I put my stuff here near you?” “I think so.” “Good, you’re not coming?” “Not today.” “Okay, be right back.” She winked at me and left toward the ocean.
I sat back in the sand and just watched her get some waves with the girls, she was stunning. Of course she was winning the challenge, but who cares, everyone was just amazed by her.
I was contemplating her beauty when Moe sat beside me and asked. “So, are you gonna spill the beans?” “There is nothing to spill. Don’t know what you are talking about?” “You sure do. If you do nothing the others will keep flirting with her and who knows what could happen.” I look at her shocked. “It’s in your eyes Sonny.”
An hour later everyone came back from the water and we went to play some footvolley. We paired everyone up and Y/N ended up being my partner. She was amazing at that and we had a lot of fun. She was flirting with me the whole time and I was hoping the girls weren't noticing it.
We stopped playing and were getting ready to leave, when Kelley whispered in my ear. “You better do something girl, she is flirting with you the whole day, everyone noticed. If you don’t do something we will.” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” She just shaked her head and went toward Ash and Tobin, whispered something to them and they went to Y/N.
“So Y/n, we had a lot of fun today and we really wanted to get to know you better. Tell us a little bit more about you.” Tobin asked. “Well, you already know I’m 25 and am a lifeguard. I graduated from the University of Virginia with a degree in exercise and sports science. I give surf classes for kids and I’m also a coach for some amatour surfer athletes. And I’m a sports lover.”
“Wait, too much information. You’re a surf coach?” Ashlyn asked incredibly. “Yeah? Sorry but you were the one who made the bet.” “That explains a lot.”
Becky was the one to speak now. “You went to Virginia? That’s awesome me too, so does Moe and Sonnett, but it doesn’t have a beach there.” “Yeah, I know. I took a pause from the beach while I was studying and worked at a waterpark over there.”
“I got a question…” Oh no, Kelley shut up. “Are you single?” With that Y/N wined her eyes and blush a little, she looked at me and then back to Kelley.
“No?” “You don’t seem too sure about that.” Tobin interjected. “I mean, no, I’m not single. But we haven’t told anyone besides family yet, so…” “Wait a second, so you’re not single? Are you sure? I’m way confused right now.” “Yeah, I’m sure. She actually loves soccer, she loves you guys.”
While the rest of the girls started asking other questions for Y/n. Kelley looked at me with a ‘sorry dude’ look. I understand why she was like that, I mean Y/n was indeed flirting with me, everyone was probably confused as to why she was flirting with me if she has a girlfriend. But they were clueless and I was having a lot of fun with it, so I decided to enjoy it a little bit more and so I spoke up.
“Hey Y/N we actually have the whole day off, so we were thinking of hanging out together and going out for dinner. What do you say? Wanna come?” Y/N looked at me with a intrigued look, but agreed either way. “Yeah, I would love to.”
“Your girlfriend would be okay with that?” Ashlyn asked. “Yeah she wouldn’t mind.”
“Maybe you can call her right now and talk to her just to make sure?” I said, Y/n was really confused right now, she was trying to understand what I mean with that. I just nodded and saw a smirk appear on her face. “Yeah, that will be great.” Some girls looked at me, don’t getting what I was doing. Christen added. “And if you want to invite her, you said she was a fan, we can surprise her if you want to” “Of course, it will be fun”.
Y/n got her phone and made the call. “So who is gonna talk?” Y/N look at me and I nod toward Kelley. “O’hara you think you can do it? She would love that?” Y/n asked “Of course. What's her name again?” “Oh, you don’t need that” She looked at her phone and back at me, I gave her a reassuring look as she started to talk.
“Hi babe. So I’m at the beach now, and there are some girls here that want to say hi to you.” She put on speaker for everyone to hear. “Hi. It’s Kelley O’hara here, and you are talking with half of the national team.” Silent went over the line, the girls started looking at each other and Y/n spoke.
“She is probably in shock, can you tell her about the dinner?” “Yeah, so we just asked Y/n if she wants to come to dinner with us and we also would like to invite you, so what do you say?” I waited a moment and answered on my phone. “I would love to, but I thought that as I was the one who made the invitation I was already invited.”
Everyone looked at me and then back to Y/n, they were in shock. Y/n has that stupid smile on her face that I love so much and answered. “That’s good babe, can’t wait.” We just kept looking at each other's eyes. Oh god, I love this girl so much. When Kelley yelled.
“Wait a minute. Why did you call Sonnett?” “Well you asked for me to call my girlfriend. So I did.” Y/n spoke with a smirk on her face “The Emily Sonnett, this girl here is your girlfriend?” “Hey, what do you mean by that? I can’t date a hot girl?”
With that I went to Y/n side, hugged her and she gave me a peck “And you let me, no, you let us, drool over you girlfriend and didn’t say a thing?” I couldn’t get the smile out of my face. “It was funny and I didn’t know yet if she was going to be okay with that.” “That is no excuse, you should have told me, it is not like I was going to tell the world.” Kelley complained and crossed her arms on her chest. “Okay Kelley, less drama. We are happy for you Sonny.” “Thanks Chris, someone here is mature.”
“Wait, does it mean that now we have to give Y/n the shovel talk?” Tobin asked with a serious face. “No!” I protest. “Sorry Sonnett, we have to, it's the team's rules.” Ash responded. “That’s okay babe, I can take it.”
“Fine, but only if Moe gets to be there.” “What? Why? Moe can’t hurt a fly” Becky said. “Because she will make sure you don’t scare Y/n away, she will be on her side.” “Why would she do that?” “Babe you can’t ask Moe that, just because she is my friend.” “Wait, Moe knew?” Kelley said, trying to look hurt. “Way to throw me under the bus Sonny.” Moe complained.
“Of course, she helped me with the plan of asking Y/n out. We studied together, you forgot?” “Of course you were all Cavaliers. That’s it Y/n you are coming with us for dinner, there is no space for debate. We need to see if you are good for Sonnett. Let’s go everyone” With Megan orders everyone start to go back to where the vans were. I got my stuff and I was about to follow the girls, when Y/n pulled my arm.
“Hey hot stuff, I missed you.” She passed her arms over my shoulders and I hugged her waist. “Hi babe, I missed you too. Sorry about doing it without asking you first. But when the girls pulled over and I saw which beach we were at and that you were here, I started thinking about it, and then you were so hot saving the boy, and the girls liked you so much, and they saw you flirting with me, so…” I was interrupted by a kiss. Y/n ’s lips were so soft and rough at the same time. The way she pulls me closer to her and deepens the kiss, I miss her so much.
“That’s okay honey. I loved meeting your teammates.” “What do you say about us skipping dinner? I really missed your lips...” I kissed her lips. “Your neck...” I kissed her neck, and started to touch her body. “I missed all of this, your body is perfect.” She gave a large sigh and pushed me away “Even though I would love to go to our house and make out with you for the rest of the night. I'm sure the girls wouldn’t approve of it. Let’s go, as soon as we get to dinner, sooner you can get this body.” “Nooo, I’m really regretting telling the girls today.” “The good point is that now you don’t have to sneak out anymore, you can always say you are going out with your girlfriend.” “Okay, but one last thing.” I gave her a passionate kiss, until we heard the girls yelling at us from afar. “I love you Y/n.” “I love you too Em. Now let’s go.” We intercalated our hands and walked to where the girls were waiting for us. This night was amazing and now I can say to the world that the Hot Lifeguard is mine.
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It’s spec time: Love always wins
(Okay, I promised it, I’m doing it, there’s no stopping me now.)
For the last three days I’ve been all over the place emotionally, clinging to every post saying Cas is not dead dead, saying his story is not done, but then someone wrote the “but” post and, there I go again, down the bottomless pit of angst.
I’ve been a Schrödinger believer for so long with this show, one can get used to it.
I know I’m not the only one feeling this way, regarding whether Cas is coming back or not. We won’t know till we know ©
Ep 19 speculations here
But let's speculate!
Apparently, there's nothing better for me to do way past midnight on Saturday and on Sunday morning (when I’m writing this).
What makes us think 15*18 might indeed be the end of Castiel’s story:
Everything the crew and Misha told us, officially, is pressing toward Cas dying permanently in this scene. “Proud ending”, indeed.
Castiel’s story has the perfect symmetry this way, with the handprint, the “Hello, Dean” - “Goodbye, Dean”, and the whole “Dean Winchester is saved” theme.
He is smiling, while Empty takes him, he’s content with his sacrifice.
Something about Castiel’s monologue didn’t sit right with me for some time. The whole point of happiness being not in having, but in being and saying, gave me an idea of it being the way writers say we can’t have Destiel, but we should be happy to know it’s real and to hear it said aloud after all those years.
Supernatural had to be the story of two brothers and their journey, and Winchesters driving in the sunset is the most probable endgame we are gonna get.
Even though all those points seem valid, we can’t trust any of it.
Let me fix it for you:
It wouldn't be the first time the crew lied about someone being on set.
The handprint was not scripted. I repeat, the handprint was not scripted.
Castiel’s monologue could be just about loving Dean, and it’s just my poor wounded heart looking too deep into it and seeing my angstloving reflection on the bottom of the well.
And Supernatural might indeed be about family, but, as we know, family doesn’t end with blood, and doesn’t start with it either. Cas is family, after all.
I’m glad be are clear on this one.
What tells us Cas is coming back and we are getting Destiel endgame:
(Brace yourself, it’s gonna be wordy)
1. The most obvious, without rewriting his memory or going OOC, there’s no happy ending for Dean (not the crappy bittersweet substitute) without Cas.
Even without the love confession in place, we’ve seen what Cas’ death did to him before, it shuttered him to pieces. Imagine the damage it's gonna cause now!
“I love you, I always did, bye bye now, have a long and happy life knowing my feelings for you have killed me dead.” Really? No win can make up for it.
2. My fave point, aka the natural dynamics of storytelling. The big loss predicts the big win. The deeper the wound, the brighter the prize. Following the roller coaster this season has been, we should be up for a pretty high damn up pretty soon.
So, there’s The Big Loss (losing Eileen, all of their friends, all the people on Earth and Cas).
Next - The Big Win (defeating God, getting their free will back, getting humanity back).
Then, we should have The Big Regret and Reflect moment (Sam and Dean talking a lot at this point, realization of things which are important, what they want with Chuck gone).
And at the end, there’s The Ultimate Happy ending waiting for us (see point 1 again in case you are not sure what that means).
3. You know what, forget it, this one is my favorite. The parallels. Throughout this season we’ve been spoon-fed with context (Geez, it feels nice to finally know we are not crazy, we are not seeing things, we got it all right!) and writers chose to do so via parallels, via reflections, subtle hints.
It would be some lazy storytelling to shove everything to our faces, so, instead, we’ve got: Charlie and Stevie, Sam and Eileen, the world and humanity, Dean and Cas.
Everyone separated. Forever? No, not really. And I don’t buy everyone getting their loved ones back, except Dean. C’mon.
4. Unresolved love confession. Yes, Cas might have died with a smile, meaning it’s enough for him to speak his truth and be gone. But Dean? Him sobbing in the dungeon, ignoring Sam’s calls (he literally never chose anything above Sam before), the “Don’t do this, Cas” part - it’s the lowest he’s ever been.
To sum up, Dean didn’t get his closure. He might have needed five to six business days to process, but he still has his truth he has to find out and then give a voice to.
And yeah, I know, he could confess via prayer or something, but we all know that’s something needed to be said face to face. (Btw, he already confessed to Cas in purgatory via prayer once, you can try and prove me wrong, but good luck with that, sunshine.)
5. The perfect symmetry. If I were in SPN writers room, I would literally cry my eyes out of joy at the symbolism this ending gives. I would literally fight everyone against it.
The broken man not deserving to be saved is dragged from Hell by the most loyal and righteous angel Heaven ever seen.
VS
The fallen angel not deserving to be loved is dragged from Empty by the most loving and caring man the sun shone on.
I mean, c’mon, people. Poetry.
(We are nearing a very important thing here, fasten your seatbelts, please.)
6. The message the show wants to give the world has changed. From “it’s all about the journey, about saving people, killing things, no one ever gets what they deserve”, the philosophy has changed drastically toward the “good things do happen, you deserve to be saved, to be loved”.
Come and see what lane we are walking right now: allowing yourself to love again, to experience things again / losing the love of your life a moment later / fighting for your love / winning your love back.
I believe the final message is: love always wins.
Love is not one’s weakness, love is power, love is strength, it’s a perfect fuel.
Humans declare war in the name of love, kill and get killed in the name of love, but, most importantly, humans live and win those wars in the name of love, too.
7. Go big or go home is on the table, and no one goes home this time.
Supernatural was a bunch of broken glass for soooo long, I think this time writers are gonna give us something good, for a change. Not bittersweet good, but actually cotton-candy-almost-diabetes-sweet good.
Why?
Because *loud and clear* we deserve having good things happening to us!
Also, it’s The End, the creators have nothing to lose, but, on the other hand, the ultimate happy ending would allow them to leave an enormous mark on the world and Supernatural to be known as the only show that actually could.
To sum up:
Dean can’t be happy with Cas gone and, following the logic of prebuilt parallels, he won’t have to - everyone gets their loved ones back at the end, because love always wins.
Cas might be at peace with speaking his truth, saving Dean and being gone, but it is not fair, Dean also deserves a chance to be heard.
Few seasons ago I would laugh in my own face for these arguments, but the philosophy of the show has been transformed. During the last few years we were being prepared for this moment, slowly, gently being led toward this moment.
Supernatural has to give us the Destiel endgame to prove their point.
click x click for more
#the fuck did just happen how do i have 3 pages of meta on my phone#destiel meta#spn meta#supernatural season 15 spoilers#spn spec#supernatural spec#speculations#destiel is canon#destiel#dean winchester#castiel#spnfandom#spn15#spn spoilers#supernatural#spn#Castiel forever#destiel endgame#spn liveblog#deancas#casdean#team deancas positivity#spn positivity party#a Schrödinger believer#spn theory#sinnabonka talks
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Taylor Swift Tours Masterpost
Hey everyone! For absolutely no reason at all, I’ve decided to compile a masterpost of all the regular setlists, surprise songs, covers, and guests on Taylor’s tours with links to YouTube videos when available (I’m only including videos that weren’t featured in official tour movies). I’ve noticed that, although there are posts like this for specific tours, like Red or reputation, some of this information is pretty hard to find, and it might be useful to some to have it all in one place. Also, I’m something of a Taylor Swift live performance ~connoisseur (💀), so I thought I might share. :) Here we go
Note: This is only part one. I don’t know when the posts for Red, 1989, and reputation will be up.
Part One: Fearless & Speak Now
Fearless Tour (April 23, 2009-July 10, 2010)
This tour did not feature a ‘surprise song slot,’ but she did sometimes change the setlist up a bit. She also brought out a couple of surprise guests (most notably John Mayer and Katy Perry), but not nearly as many as she did on her later tours.
Regular setlist: Fearless Tour
1. ‘You Belong with Me’
2. ‘Our Song’
3. ‘Tell Me Why’
4. ‘Teardrops on My Guitar’
5. ‘Fearless’
6. ‘Forever & Always’
7. ‘Hey Stephen’
8. ‘Fifteen’
9. ‘Tim McGraw’
10. ‘White Horse’ (x)
11. ‘Love Story’
12. ‘The Way I Loved You’ (x)
13. ‘You’re Not Sorry’ / ‘What Goes Around… Comes Around’ (x)
14. ‘Picture to Burn’
15. ‘Change’ (x)
16. ‘I’m Only Me When I’m with You’ (2009) (x) OR ‘Today Was a Fairytale’ (2010)
17. ‘Should’ve Said No’ (extended version)
Footnotes:
*Starting from the show in Uncasville, Connecticut on August 28, 2009, ‘Change’ was removed from the setlist. It was added back in Greensville, South Carolina on September 4, 2009. Starting from the show in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania on October 1, 2009, it was removed again.
*European shows on the 2009 leg often removed ‘I’m Only Me When I’m with You’ as well as ‘Change.’
*Starting from the show in Brisbane, Australia on February 4, 2010, ‘Today Was a Fairytale’ replaced ‘I’m Only Me When I’m with You’ in the encore.
Surprise songs:
1. ‘The Best Day’ - Evansville, Indiana (April 23, 2009) Note: This was actually the first show of the tour. Unfortunately, I haven’t found a video of this performance.
2. ‘Two Is Better Than One’ - Brisbane, Australia (February 4, 2010) (x)
3. ‘The Best Day’ - Moline, Illinois (May 8, 2010) (x)
4. ‘Jump Then Fall’ - Foxborough, Massachusetts (June 5, 2010) (x)
Surprise guest performances:
1. ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’ and ‘White Horse’ (already part of the regular acoustic set but performed as a duet here) with John Mayer - Los Angeles, CA (May 22, 2009) (x)
2. ‘The Way You Love Me’ with Faith Hill - Nashville, TN (September 12, 2009) (x)
3. ‘Hot N Cold’ with Katy Perry - Los Angeles, CA (April 15, 2010)
Speak Now World Tour (February 9, 2011-March 18, 2012)
Regular setlists:
Eurasia (February 9, 2011-March 30, 2011)
Note: All of the performances linked below are from the Eurasian leg. Therefore, their quality is questionable. I’m only including these because this leg had a slightly different wardrobe than the North American leg which was recorded for the tour movie. I’m not including videos from performances where the costume is the same.
1. ‘Sparks Fly’
2. ‘Mine’
3. ‘The Story of Us’
4. ‘Back to December’ / ‘Apologize’ / ‘You’re Not Sorry’ (x)
5. ‘Better Than Revenge’ (x)
6. ‘Speak Now’
7. ‘Fearless’ / ‘I’m Yours’ / ‘Hey, Soul Sister’
8. ‘Fifteen’ (x)
9. ‘You Belong with Me’
10. ‘Dear John’ (x) - I’m only including this video because she wore her hair loose lol
11. ‘Enchanted’ (x)
12. ‘Long Live’ (x)
13. ‘Love Story’ (x)
North America & Oceania (May 21, 2011-March 18, 2012)
This is based solely on the first North American show
1. ‘Sparks Fly’
2. ‘Mine’
3. ‘The Story of Us’
4. ‘Our Song’
5. ‘Mean’
6. ‘Back to December’ / ‘Apologize’ / ‘You’re Not Sorry’
7. ‘Better Than Revenge’
8. ‘Speak Now’
9. ‘Fearless’ / ‘I’m Yours’ / ‘Hey, Soul Sister’
10. ‘Last Kiss’
11. ‘You Belong with Me’
12. ‘Dear John’
13. ‘Enchanted’
14. ‘Haunted’
15. ‘Long Live’
16. ‘Fifteen’
17. ‘Love Story’
Notes:
Starting from the show in Toronto, Canada on July 15, 2011, Taylor started playing acoustic covers right after her performance of ‘Last Kiss.’
Starting from the show in Denver, CO, on September 27, 2011, ‘Ours’ was added to the encore, right before the performance of ‘Fifteen’. This marked the live debut of the song. If Taylor had a surprise guest, this was the song she would usually cut from the setlist.
Starting from the show in Perth, Australia on March 2, 2012, ‘Safe & Sound’ (x) was added to the encore. ‘Ours’ (x) was shifted to the acoustic set and was played right before ‘Last Kiss.’ It was only skipped at the show in Auckland on March 17. I’m including a video because, although the performance from the encore was featured in the tour movie, this version takes place on the B-stage and has a different costume (the purple Susan Hilferty dress she wore for half the show lol).
At the shows in Melbourne, Australia on March 12, 2012 and Auckland, New Zealand on March 16, 2012, ‘Fearless’ was skipped.
Surprise covers:
1. ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ by Bon Jovi - Newark, NJ (July 19, 2011) (x)
2. ‘Dancing in the Dark’ by Bruce Springsteen / ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ by Bon Jovi - Newark, NJ (July 20 & 24, 2011) (x), (x)
3. ‘Cowboy Take Me Away’ by the Dixie Chicks - Newark, NJ (July 23, 2011) (x)
4. ‘Lose Yourself’ by Eminem and ‘Smile’ by Uncle Kracker’ - Grand Rapids, MI (July 28, 2011) (x)
5. ‘Jack & Diane’ by John Mallencamp and ‘I Want You Back’ by the Jackson 5 - Indianapolis, IN (July 29, 2011) (x), (x)
Note: ‘I Want You Back’ was featured on the Speak Now World Tour Live CD. The second link will direct you to the audio.
6. ‘I Try’ by Macy Gray and ‘My Wish’ by the Rascal Flatts - Cleveland, OH (July 30, 2011) (x)
7. ‘I Heard It Through the Grapevine’ by Gladys Knight & the Pips and ‘Ghetto Superstar’ by Mya - Washington, DC (August 2, 2011) (x)
8. ‘Stay (I Missed You)’ by Lisa Loeb and ‘A Sorta Fairytale’ by Tori Amos - Washington, DC (August 3, 2011) (x)
9. ‘Who Knew’ by P!nk and ‘Unpretty’ by TLC - Philadelphia, PA (August 6, 2011) (x)
10. ‘Sugar, We’re Goin Down’ by Fall Out Boy - Rosemont, IL (August 9-10, 2011) (x)
11. ‘Just a Dream’ by Nelly - St Louis, MO (August 13-14, 2011) (x)
12. ‘God Only Knows’ by The Beach Boys and ‘Sweet Escape’ by Gwen Stefani - Los Angeles, CA (August 23-24, 2011) (x), (x)
Note: ‘Sweet Escape’ was featured as a bonus track on the Target deluxe version of the Speak Now World Tour Live CD. The second link will direct you to the audio.
13. ‘This Love’ by Maroon 5 and Bette Davis Eyes’ by Jackie DeShannon - Los Angeles, CA (August 27, 2011) (x), (x)
Note: ‘Bette Davis Eyes’ was featured on the Speak Now World Tour Live CD. The second link will direct you to the audio.
14. ‘Realize’ by Colbie Caillat’ - Los Angeles, CA (August 28, 2011) (x)
15. ‘Drops of Jupiter’ by Train - San Jose, CA (September 1, 2011) (x)
Note: ‘Drops of Jupiter’ was included in the Speak Now World Tour concert movie. An audio was also featured on the standard CD.
16. ‘Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)’ by Green Day - San Jose, CA (September 2, 2011) (x)
17. ‘Untouchable’ by Luna Halo - Sacramento, CA (September 3, 2011) (x)
18. ‘Closer to Love’ by Matt Kearney - Portland, OR (September 6, 2011) (x)
19. ‘You & Me’ by Dave Matthews Band - Tacoma, WA (September 7, 2011) (x)
20. ‘Nashville’ by David Mead - Nashville, TN (September 16-17, 2011) (x), (x)
Note: ‘Nashville’ was featured as a bonus track on the Target deluxe version of the Speak Now World Tour Live CD. The second link will direct you to the audio. PS: This is one of my favorite covers she’s ever done.
21. ‘Lucky’ by Britney Spears - Bossier City, LA (September 20, 2011) (x)
22. ‘Swing, Swing’ by The All-American Rejects - Tulsa, OK (September 21, 2011) (x)
23. ‘How to Save a Life’ by The Fray - Denver, CO (September 27, 2011) (x)
24. ‘Animal’ by The Neon Trees - Salt Lake City, UT (September 28, 2011) (x)
25. ‘Baby Girl’ by Sugarland - Atlanta, GA (October 1-2, 2011) (x)
26. ‘Ain’t Nothing ‘Bout You’ by Brooks & Dunn - North Little Rock, AR (October 4, 2011) (x)
27. ‘Breathless’ by Better Than Ezra - New Orleans, LA (October 5, 2011) (x)
28. ‘Boys of Summer’ by Don Henley - Dallas, TX (October 8, 2011) (x)
29. ‘The Back of Your Hand’ by Dwight Yoakam - Louisville, KY (October 11, 2011) (x)
30. ‘Wide Open Spaces’ by The Dixie Chicks - Lubbock, TX (October 14, 2011) (x)
31. ‘What Hurts the Most’ by Jeffrey Steele - Oklahoma City, OK (October 15, 2011) (x)
32. ‘Dare You to Move’ by Switchfoot - San Diego, CA (October 20, 2011) (x)
33. ‘No Parade’ by Jordin Sparks - Glendale, AZ (October 21, 2011) (x)
34. ‘You Learn’ by Alanis Morissette, ‘Baby’ by Justin Bieber, and ‘She’s So High by Tal Bachman (all played in succession along with ‘You Belong with Me’) - Toronto, Canada (July 15, 2011) (x)
35. ‘Complicated’ by Avril Lavigne, ‘Baby’ by Justin Bieber, and ‘I’m Like a Bird’ by Nelly Furtado - Toronto, Canada (July 16, 2011) (x), (x), (x)
Note: She only played excerpts from each song. A full video isn’t available.
36. ‘Complicated’ by Carolyn Dawn Johnson - Edmonton, Canada (August 18, 2011) (x)
37. ‘Summer of 69’ by Bryan Adams - Vancouver, Canada (September 10, 2011) (x)
38. ‘Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)’ by Alan Jackson - Vancouver, Canada (September 11, 2011) (x)
39. ‘All You Wanted’ by Michelle Branch - Glendale AZ, (October 22, 2011) & San Antonio, TX (October 25, 2011) (x)
40. ‘Run’ by George Strait - San Antonio, TX (October 26, 2011) (x)
41. ‘Hold On’ by Jack Ingram - Memphis, TN (October 30, 2011) (x) (skip to 21:46; this video includes all the Speak Now Tour covers)
42. ‘Cry Me a River’ by Justin Timberlake - New York, NY (November 21, 2011) (x)
Surprise guests:
1. ‘Baby’ with Justin Bieber - Los Angeles, CA (August 23, 2011) (x)
2. ‘I’m Yours’ with Jason Mraz - Los Angeles, CA (August 24, 2011) (x)
3. ‘Tonight, Tonight’ with Hot Chelle Rae - Los Angeles, CA (August 27, 2011), (x)
4. ‘Super Bass’ with Nicki Minaj - Los Angeles, CA (August 28, 2011) (x)
5. ‘That’s What You Get’ with Hayley Williams - Nashville, TN (September 16, 2011) (x)
6. ‘Bleed Red’ with Ronnie Dunn - Nashville, TN (September 16, 2011) (x)
7. ‘Big Star’ with Kenny Chesney - Nashville, TN (September 17, 2011) (x)
8. ‘Keep Your Head Up’ with Andy Grammer - Nashville, TN (September 17, 2011) (x)
9. ‘Just to See You Smile’ with Tim McGraw - Nashville, TN (September 17, 2011) (x)
10. ‘Yeah!’ with Usher - Atlanta, GA (October 1, 2011) (x)
11. ‘Live Your Life’ with T.I. - Atlanta, GA (October 2, 2011) (x)
12. ‘Meant to Live’ with Jon Foreman - Glendale, AZ (October 21, 2011) (x)
13. ‘She’s So High’ with Tal Bachman - Vancouver, Canada (September 10, 2011) (x)
14. ‘The Middle’ with Jim Adkins - Glendale, AZ (October 22, 2011) (x)
15. ‘Just a Dream’ with Nelly - Houston, TX (November 5, 2011) (x)
16. ‘Right Round’ with Flo Rida - Miami, FL (November 13, 2011) (x)
17. ‘Alright’ with Darius Rucker - Columbia, SC (November 18, 2011) (x)
18. ‘Who Says’ with Selena Gomez - New York, NY (November 22, 2011) (x)
19. ‘Fire and Rain’ and ‘Fifteen’ (part of the regular setlist but performed as a duet here) with James Taylor - New York, NY (November 22, 2011) (x)
Surprise songs.
1. ‘Superman’ - Kansas City, MO (September 24, 2011) (x)
Note: This is the only live performance of ‘Superman’ to date. The video begins with an excerpt of her ‘Last Kiss’ performance, so you’ll have to skip to circa 1:30, but unlike other recordings, it’s complete. This is six minutes of pure joy.
2. ‘Never Grow Up’ - Lexington, KY (October 29, 2011), Houston, TX (November 5, 2011), Raleigh, NC (November 17, 2011) (x)
3. ‘Eyes Open’ - Auckland, New Zealand (March 17, 2012) (x)
Note: This marked the live debut of the song, as it had not even been released at the time of the performance.
#live#speak now#speak now tour#masterpost#fearless tour#audio#video#speak now world tour#fearless#Taylor Swift#covers#surprise songs#Taylor Swift live
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Yellow; l.mk
+another repost, one of my favourite works ever. its unfortunate not many liked it... ;-; but im still gonna post it anyways. i did not make any changes to this fic.
summary: a journey where boxer!mark and you start to fall for each other.
5.8k words... it wasn’t supposed to be this long.. sorry guys ):
i changed the title because sunflower reminded me of johnny lmfao! also i know you guys don’t like long fics but istg i didn’t want it to be so long either ;;
warnings: mentions of blood & violence, f words
+Day 1
The loud cheers were really starting to annoy you. Why did you let your friend drag you here in the first place?
You let out a grumbled sigh when your friend had pulled your hand, leading you closer to the ring. Truthfully, you hated anything that has got to do with blood or violence. You didn’t dare tell your friend that since she told you that she has always wanted to go to an underground match.
People were pushing you around as you struggled to keep your balance. You hold onto your friend’s wrist, to avoid from falling.
Your friend must have noticed your discomfort and leaned towards you, “you okay?”
Shaking your head, you reply, “yeah... this- this is just not my type,”
She pouts, “do you want to leave?”
“No, no, you’ve been waiting for this, let’s just watch the match,” you reply, looking back to the ring. Your friend nodded, looking back front.
The match started within a few minutes, both participants standing on each side started getting closer, waiting for one of them to throw a punch.
“That’s Jung Jaehyun,” your friend says, pointing to the one who had chocolate abs. He had some parts of his black hair dyed a dark green, which really suits him.
Jaehyun.
He was handsome. Pretty face— really pretty face. However, his neck was filled with tattoos, which gets rid of his cute demeanour. You already knew he was the type to get lots of girls just by doing nothing.
“And that’s Mark Lee,”
Your eyes gazed on the boy with black hair.
Oh.
He’s cute. He’s really cute. Super cute features. Plump lips, cute cheeks— you just want to pinch. You were surprised why he would be in a ring with such adorable features. You wanted to coo at his ears, why are his ears so cute?
If you were to pick one, you would pick the latter. He’s just your type.
Great, you’re doing it again. Thinking which boys you would choose.
Shaking your thoughts away, you focus on the match.
Jaehyun suddenly throws a punch, to which Mark managed to dodge. Mark suddenly throws a punch, straight to the other boy’s cheekbones.
You let out a gasp, flinching at the sight. Though, the crowd continues to cheer.
In a blink of an eye, Jaehyun has Mark under him, his arm tightening around Mark’s neck.
“Isn’t that dangerous?!” you screech, turning to your friend who was happily watching the match.
“That’s what makes it fun,” your friend winks.
Your mouth was left wide open as you look back at Mark who was struggling to breathe. You notice Mark tapping on Jaehyun’s arm as the latter lets go of his crazy tight grip on the boy.
“This is crazy,” you whisper out.
Despite being absolutely terrified of the scene that had just happened, you wanted to see more.
After a few matches, it was declared Jaehyun had won this time’s match. You actually expected it- seeing how he was slightly more builded than Mark. At the same time, you were disappointed that Mark had lost the match.
The people around you started getting closer, excited by the first match. It was making it hard for you to breathe.
You tap your friend’s shoulder, “I am going to step out for a while,”
“Do you want me to follow?” she asks.
You shake your head, “no, enjoy the rest of the match,”
“Okay, text me if you need anything,” she tells you as you let out a hum and step away from the crowd. You climb the flight of stairs, pushing the tinted glass door open. You take a deep breathe, finally able to breathe fresh air.
You rest your back against the brick walls, fishing out your phone to reply to some texts and scroll through Instagram.
“Hey,”
“Oh, jeez!” you jumped, your hand pressed against your chest, turning to see Mark.
Mark laughs, staring at you in amusement, “weren’t you from inside? I saw you,”
You gulp and nodded, “yeah, yeah I was, I saw you too,”
You scan his features. He had multiple bruises and cuts on his cheekbones and lips. You notice a deep cut on his eyebrow, and a bruise on his neck. You look back up to his eyes.
“Are you okay?” you ask him, pointing to the bruises painting his face.
He chuckles at your question, wiping the blood staining his lips. “Your first time here?”
You nod, your head moving to scan the cuts on his face, “are you going to clean that up?”
“I’m okay,” he reassures you, a small smile playing on his lips, “this is nothing,”
You wince. That was nothing? You would be crying in pain if you had that many cuts and bruises on you.
“Okay,” you whisper.
“I’m Mark,” he says again, “what’s your name, pretty?”
Your face turned a crimson red, “y/n,”
“y/n,” he repeats, the name rolling out of his tongue smoothly, “beautiful name for a beautiful girl,”
You couldn’t help but laugh at his words, “how many times have you used that phrase, Mark?”
Mark was flustered for a moment, but quickly regain his coolness, “well, as of 3 seconds ago… once?”
He laughs when you grimace at his response, shaking your head in astonishment.
“So, what were you doing in an underground boxing, y/n?” he asks you, “you don’t seem like the type to be around this area,”
“My friend has been dying to come to an underground match and she dragged me with her,” you explain.
He hums, “ah, your friend? She really caught Jaehyun’s eye earlier,”
You smirk, knowing your friend definitely has been crushing on Jaehyun too.
“We should set them up!” you say excitedly.
+Day 15
2 weeks later, you were back at the same place. This time, you weren’t forced, you had begged your friend to bring you again. You would go alone but being alone in a place filled with rowdy men scares you. You knew your friend would agree since she wanted to see Jaehyun too.
“You usually don’t like this type of things, why are you suddenly so excited?” your friend asked, grabbing her bag, while you were tugging on her arm.
You bit your lip nervously, knowing the exact reason why, but you refuse to tell her.
***
“You’re back again,” says Mark, looking down at you with a smile plastered on his face.
“Yeah, I just need some break from the chaos at school,” you explain. You were actually doing well in school. Unlike other students, you let out your stress from doing work and projects.
Mark hums as he looks around, “wanna go somewhere quieter?”
“But—” you turn away to find your friend, but she was nowhere to be found.
“She’s talking to Jaehyun,” Mark tells you.
You turn back around, holding your breathe when you see Mark leaning awfully close to your face. When he saw your flustered state, he started smirking, letting out a low chuckle.
“Come,” he says, tugging on your elbow, pulling you out of the crowd. Climbing the familiar stairs, the both of you walked towards an empty playground. The both of you take a seat on the swings.
“It’s kinda scary to be in a playground at night,” you state, looking around the extremely quiet area.
You hear Mark laugh at your statement; you look at him confusingly. “You know what you remind me of?”
You raise your eyebrows.
“A sunflower,” he tells you, making you blush. “Anything with the colour yellow,”
“And why is that Mark?”
He rests his head on the rope of the swings as he stares at you, “You seem like someone who is absolutely cheerful, everyone needs someone like you in their life,”
You smile at his sweet words.
Your eyes gaze on his hands that was wrapped in bandages, blood seeping through them.
“Are your hands okay?” you ask, nodding your chin towards his hands resting on his lap.
He looks down at his hands then back at you, smirking, “why? Did I make you worry?”
You look at him like he was crazy, “of course you did! The guy went pretty hard on you,”
Mark felt embarrassed at that. You came to watch his match twice and he still couldn’t win in front of you.
He looks away from your gaze, “it was nothing,” he murmurs.
You were quiet for a while. You felt guilty for bringing it up, knowing he was already beating himself up for it.
“You did great,” you blurted out, “I came to support you actually,”
“Really?” he chuckles, his gaze still on his shoes.
“Yup, you did so well, I think I should take you out for lunch,” you blurt out without realising. Your eyes widen at what you had just said.
Oh god, why did you say that? Did you have no shame? What if Mark didn’t even feel the same way?
Mark swiftly turns to look at your confused face. Fuck, he just wanted to hug you so bad.
“Are you asking me out on a date?” he asks, an amused grin plastered on his lips.
Oh god.
You quickly face away from the boy who was staring at you with amusement. “N-no,”
He lets out a defeated sigh, “damn, really? I was hoping it would be a date,”
Oh fuck, he was smooth.
“Shouldn’t you be asking me out on a date?” you huff.
“Do you want me to ask you out on a date?”
“No! I mean—”
“Y/N, will you go on a date with me?”
+Day 17
The date was originally scheduled in 5 days but Mark was too excited and had asked you to meet slightly earlier, to which you agreed.
This time, Mark wasn’t in a tank top and shorts, he didn’t have cuts on his face or bloody hands wrapped in bandages. He was dressed in a button up and black skinny jeans.
He’s so adorable.
“What,”
“What?” you look at him weirdly.
“You keep staring at me,” he points out, “do I have something on my face? Or am I too handsome?”
You grimace at his words and threw a fry at him, giggles leaving your lips.
Mark wanted to take you out on a proper expensive date, but he was also a broke college student— just like you. He felt bad about not being able to take you out on a proper date, but you had reassured him that you’d rather eat McDonalds kids meal than eat a $50 meal that is the size of a pea.
“You know,” you start, leaning back on the chair, “If I saw you for the first time, I wouldn’t believe it if you told me you were a boxer,”
“Why?”
You shrug, “you look like a baby to me,” you tell him, “just wanna pinch your cheeks,”
He scoffs, puffing out his chest, “I may look like a baby, but I fight like a man,”
+Day 23
Mark: hey are you coming later
You: where?
Mark: my match you loser
You: I don’t think so :(
You: i have a bunch of work to do :((
Mark: :(
Mark: oky then :/ make sure you rest enough
You: I will :) don’t worry haha
+Day 25
“I didn’t know Mark had many girl friends,” your friend says.
You raise your eyebrows at that. The both of you weren’t official yet, only at the talking stage. He has never mentioned his friends or his family, but the information had your suspicions growing.
You pretend to not be affected by the words, “how’d you know?”
“You know the day you couldn’t come for his match?” you hum, “I think he invited some girls because they were all hugging and talking,”
You would be lying if you weren’t heartbroken by your friend’s words. However, you have no rights stopping him from seeing his friends. The both of you weren’t a couple.
“Aren’t you guys a couple?”
“No,” you answer with a sharp tone, “it’s his life he can do whatever he wants.”
“You’re not fazed by it?”
“Why would I be?” you murmur, “he’s not mine to begin with.”
+Day 35
Mark: hey :)
Mark: it’s been a while
Mark: I miss you
You: I knw haha
Mark: are you coming for my match tomorrow night?
Mark: no no you have to come tomorrow!!
Mark: ok?
You: hahahah
You: I will oky
You: im finished with my work & all so why not haha
You: but I need you to come get me hehe
You: my friend wont be following so its just me :3
Mark: that’s great!!!
Mark: I’ll send u home too ok
You: oky Markie :3
+Day 36
You had your hands resting on Mark’s face, cleaning up his bloody face. Mark had lost this time round; his opponent was three times your size and had beat Mark down like a pipe.
“I don’t even know why I support you doing this,” you mumble, wiping the blood running down his face, “you make me worry too much,”
“I’m okay.”
You glare up at him. “If you think this is okay then I don’t what’s your definition of the opposite.”
He frowns at you but didn’t say a word.
It took you a good 30 minutes to clean up all of his wounds. You lean away from him, “make sure you rest for a week,”
He hums, staring at you, “thank you,”
You felt bad for being so harsh on him. You reach for his hands, holding it in yours, your thumb stroking the back of his hand.
“Can you take me home now? I’m tired,” you sigh.
Throughout the ride home, you had one of Mark’s hand resting on your lap. You didn’t let go for a second, loving the warm feeling of his hand clasped in yours. Before you knew it, his car stopped infront of your apartment building.
You pout, turning to face him., “I don’t wanna leave yet,”
“Me neither,” he chuckles, “don’t go,”
You lips break into a grin, “you loser,”
He hums.
You unlock the door, ready to open the car door but Marks tug on your hands. You face him. He lifts his free hands, his pointer finger tapping on his cheek.
You snicker at his actions, your pointer and middle finger pushing his cheek away. You stick your tongue out when he pouts at you. You open the car door and left the car, shutting it, turning to face the boy who was still pouting.
“Thanks for today,” you say, “make sure you rest for a week before you start working again,” you reminded him.
Upset that you didn’t kiss him, Mark clicked his tongue and gestured for you to go in.
+Day 40
Your eyebrows furrow when you saw the pictures Mark was tagged in Jaehyun’s photo. You knew this photo was recent from the evident bruises on Mark’s face.
You had already warned him to completely heal for a week before going back to work but why was he so stubborn?
The girls who was surrounding the guy you like didn’t go unnoticed by you. You noticed how he had his arms snake around both girl’s waist.
Shutting your eyes close, you let out a frustrated sigh.
“Is this from today?” you ask your friend, showing her your phone.
Your friend takes a look and nods without hesitation.
A loud and angry groan left your lips. Getting up from the couch, you stomped to your bedroom, shutting the door as you climbed in bed.
God, why was liking a boy so hard?
Tears started rolling down your cheeks. You were so frustrated with Mark. You liked him so much that you hated seeing him being hurt— even if it was something he loves doing.
It wasn’t the first time he was seen surrounded by girls. Although the both of you weren’t in an official relationship, you didn’t enjoy seeing him touching girls. Maybe you were being dramatic with the girls, but did you really want to date someone like him? Someone who could potentially be taken away in a flash?
You sit up, rubbing your eyes with a deep sigh. Everyone deserves a chance, even if he had hurt you.
You turn on your phone to send Mark a text.
You: you went to work today?
It took him less than a minute to respond.
Mark: how’d you know?
You: jaehyun’s Instagram
You: I thought I told you to rest?
Mark: sorry :( it was just a last minute match
You: hm
Mark: but on the bright side, I won this time!
Right. Of course he would win the match when you’re not there to support him.
You: was it fun?
Mark: yeah! Our friends came to support us
You: ohh who?
Mark: just some ex-school friends, you don’t know them haha
You: okay hha
Mark: you’re not angr right? Haha
Mark: angry*
You: no why would I be
You: you’re not my boyfriend so I have no right to be
You: mad
+Day 58
“Hey,” Mark sends you a bitter smile, “you okay? Been a whole year since we last saw each other,”
“It’s been 2 weeks, Mark,” you reply dryly.
Mark pouts and takes a seat next to you, “two weeks too long~”
He leans his head on your shoulder as his gaze on your phone. You turn to him slightly, offering your bubble tea to the male who happily accepts. He rests his hand on the plastic cup and your hand holding the cup, pulling it towards his lips.
You giggle, “you’re so cute, Mark.”
He squints his eyes cutely at you as he continues sipping on your drink. You didn’t complain, you love seeing him all happy.
You clear your throat, earning his attention, “I want to ask you something,”
He tilts his chin upwards, “what’s up?”
You try to think of a way to phrase your words together without sounding possessive.
Mark notices your furrowed eyebrows, he cracks a grin and nudges you with his shoulder, “don’t be so serious, what’s up?”
“Are you going to introduce me to your friends?” you blurted out.
Mark fell silent at your question. He wasn’t annoyed or anything— not at all, he couldn’t ever be mad at you. But it was just so sudden, where was this all coming from?
“I mean- you don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” you explain, “it’s not like I want to,” you laugh awkwardly, looking away from the male.
“N-no,” he stutters out, “it was just so sudden, where is this coming from?”
“I’m sorry,”
“Do you want to meet my friends?” he asks.
“I’m not forcing you,” you state, “it’s just a question- it’s not important,” you mumble the last part.
He let out a chuckle, “I want you to meet my friends,” he says, “but, they just…”
You purse your lips, already expecting the answer. Of course he won’t introduce you to his female friends. It would be a lie if you said you weren’t disappointed, but you couldn’t do anything. you can’t force him into doing something he doesn’t want to.
“I’m sorry,” he sounded sincere, too sincere. It’s weird.
You feign a smile, “It’s okay, but I have to go now,”
He frowns, watching you stand up to grab your bag, “already?”
You nod, “I’ll see you when I see you, I guess,”
Before he could even hug you goodbye, you had already left the bubble tea shop.
+Day 62
You had this habit of overworking yourself whenever you were down. You had drowned yourself in projects and work. The incident that happened a few days ago has left your mind, especially when he hasn’t sent you a single text.
“Hey,” your friend called, you hum in response, although your gaze was still glued on your laptop. “Have you been talking to Mark lately?”
Your fingers freeze at his name. Suddenly you were furious just by hearing his name.
“Why?” you reply crudely.
“He’s been asking me about you. Did something happen?” your friend asks, worried about you.
He’s been asking about you? So he has been thinking about you this whole time? Your heart fluttered a little at the thought. You genuinely liked Mark and it sucked that the both of you were already having arguments even before being a couple.
You bit your lip, turning around to look at your friend, “what did he say?”
Your friend passes you her phone, showing the text message between the two.
Mark: hey, im sorry if im disturbing you but
Mark: is y/n okay?
Mark: we haven’t been texting lately and I thought she needed space so i gave her that
Mark: I just want to know if she’s okay? If shes eating healthily?
Your lips tugged upwards at the text. God, he was so cute. You scroll down a little more to read more texts.
Mark: could you update me everyday on how she’s doing?
Mark: I miss her :/
“He really likes you, you know,” your friend says abruptly.
You pass her phone back, looking up at her.
“I know I’m not officially his and I have no right on stopping him who he should hang out with,” you explain, “but it upsets me seeing how he’s being surrounded by girls every single night,”
Your friend places her hand on your shoulder, her thumb caressing your shoulder comfortingly, “you should talk to him about it.”
She was right. Communication is key. You can’t keep it a secret forever. If it upsets you, then you should voice out.
You were going to talk to him about it.
+Day 67
You were at the underground boxing area again. Mark had texted you to come and support him. You were going to talk to him about it today. After his match. This was the only way that was going to make you feel better.
This time, you were standing near the wall, furthest from the boxing ring. Mark had warned you to stay here because of all the rowdy men crowding the area.
“With your petite size, you are just going to be stepped on,” he had said.
You locked eyes with Mark who was standing in the ring. You automatically grin at him. Mark struggled to keep a straight face after seeing your adorable smile.
‘Good luck!’ you mouth, lifting your hands to show a thumbs up, then sending a heart to the male.
Mark’s heart flutter just by looking at you. He looks away to keep a straight face. Soon, the match started.
“Hi,”
You swiftly turned to see a handsome male standing next to you. You send him a polite smile before turning back to look at Mark.
“What are you doing here?” he asks.
“I’m just here to support a friend,” you say plainly, your eyes gazing on Mark intently.
“I see,” the man says, “I’m Yuta,”
Does he ever stop talking? You hum, hoping it would stop him from talking to you.
“What’s your name?”
You wanted to roll your eyes at his question. You face the man, “I’m y/n,”
“Beautiful name for a beautiful girl,” he flirts, winking at you. You grimace at his words. “You’re really pretty,”
You didn’t respond, irked by his presence.
“Do you hate talking or something?” he asks you. He rolls his eyes when you didn’t reply. “Do you have a boyfriend?”
“No, I don’t, Yuta,” you sigh.
“Then? Do you hate me or something? Do you hate someone you’ve never met?” he asks you, leaning closer to you.
Unbeknownst to you, Mark saw you talking to the male and was distracted by it, which resulted in him getting punched in the jaw by his opponent.
Loud gasps and whistles filled the room.
You quickly turn to see Mark laying on the ground, getting stepped on by his opponent. Your hands went up to your mouth, watching in horror. Once his opponent was pulled away, you ran to find Mark, but was stopped by Yuta grasping your arm.
“Let go of me!” you shrieked, pushing his arm away, running to find Mark.
You see Mark in the room, holding his jaw painfully while Jaehyun helped him bandage his hand.
“Mark!” you call, running up to him. You instantly hold onto his elbow, scanning his face that was littered with bruises. He had a black eye too.
Mark meets your worried gaze. His eyes held something different— anger and annoyance.
“Are you okay? Are you badly hurt anywhere?” you ask.
The male suddenly pushes your grip off him, looking away from you. Your eyes widen at his actions.
Did you do something wrong?
You look at Jaehyun, hoping he would signal you something— anything. But he only looked away from you guiltily. You frown at the both of them.
“Mark?” he ignores your voice.
You felt your heart clench painfully. You didn’t know what you did wrong for him to treat you this way. A disappointed sigh left your lips as you turn around, leaving the underground boxing match.
You rest your back against the brick walls, you felt tears trail down your cheeks. You came here with Mark and was expecting him to drive you home, so you didn’t bring any money with you.
“Fuck,” you whisper, your fingers wiping the stray tears.
You fish out your phone, unlocking it but only to see a black screen. You harshly pressed on the button multiple times but it wouldn’t turn on. Great, your phone must’ve died. You look around, trying to find someone who could help you out.
“Are you going to get in?” a deep voice says.
You look up to see Mark standing next to his car.
+++++
A shaky sigh left your lips, brushing away the tears that wouldn’t stop leaving your eyes. You look out the window, hoping it would distract you. Another tear rolled down your cheeks.
“Stop crying,” Mark murmurs.
You wanted to scoff at that. How ironic, especially when he was the one who made you cry.
“I’m fucking trying,” you say through gritted teeth.
The car comes to a halt as you see your apartment building outside. However, you didn’t leave his car.
“Did I do something?” you ask. You have been dying to ask the question ever since.
He rolls his eyes, “I don’t know y/n, did you?” he responds sarcastically.
“Can you stop that?!” you shout, turning your body to face him, “Just tell me what I did so I can fucking apologize!”
He scoffs at your words, “who was that man? Openly flirting while I was in a match?”
Your brows knit in confusion. Is he being serious?
“Firstly, I don’t know who the hell that man was, and I was definitely not flirting with him,” you explain, “and secondly, you’re not my boyfriend. So, even if I wanted to flirt, I am allowed to.”
This relationship was starting to get confusing.
“We are in the talking stage!” he shouts, “technically you are mine.”
You laugh at that, “really? I can’t flirt with anyone but you’re out here hugging and touching random girls!”
He becomes quiet, looking away from your intense gaze.
You push your hair back, frustrated. “what now, Mark?”
He looks down at his lap, playing with his fingers. He felt like crying— he never cries. “I don’t think this is working out,” he whispers, voice cracking. “I think we should stop seeing each other,”
You feel your lips tremble, tears threatening to fall again. You close your eyes, the tears falling down your cheeks. Your hands clenched into fists, hoping it would stop you from letting out sobs.
“Okay,” you mutter, “I’m going to go,”
When you reached your apartment, your hand immediately rests on the wall, steadying your balance. You couldn’t even breathe properly as you let out loud sobs. Your heart was beating rapidly from your unsteady breathing.
You felt like you were going to die. You didn’t expect this to hurt so much.
You are going to get through this. You will get through this.
+Day 83
It has been a few weeks since you had last seen Mark. You had spent most of your time in your room crying your eyes out. If it wasn’t that, you would be sobbing on the couch while your friend would try her best to comfort you.
You didn’t have the energy or appetite to eat. Your friend always made you drink lots of water and would sometimes make a sandwich for you.
Your friend had secretly sent text updates to Mark, but he would just ignore them. He was hurting as much as you were. Just by hearing your name, his heart would clench painfully. Mark had spent most of his time at the ring, taking out his frustration by throwing punches and kicks.
You were washing the dishes since your friend had left to support Jaehyun in the underground match. She had invited you to come with her, but you’d rather stay home, knowing Mark would probably be there.
Your phone started ringing. You let out an annoyed sigh, quickly putting the plate on the rack, then walking over to grab your phone. You answer the call.
“What?” you sigh, “I’m busy cleaning, you know?”
“y/n,” your friend breathes heavily. This was weird. “Can you come here?”
Your eyebrows knit in confusion, “what? Why? What happened?”
“Mark passed out,” she tells you.
Your eyes widen, “w-what?”
“He’s going to be sent to the hospital, you need to come, now,”
+++++
“What room is he in? Is he okay?” you ask, looking at your friend and Jaehyun with wary eyes.
“He’s okay,” Jaehyun says, “he’s in the room,” he nods towards the door.
You had tears threatening to leave your eyes. You couldn’t help but let the tears fall. You felt your body grow weak, you squat down, covering your face with your arms as you let out loud sobs.
It was all your fault. If you hadn’t taken care of him more often, none of this would’ve happened.
Your friend frowns at your state. She bends down and pat your back comfortingly. “Go in,” she persuades, “he has been dying to see you,”
You lift your head to look at her, a small pout on your lips. Your friend wipes your tears with her thumb, smiling at you.
Letting out a soft sigh, you stand up, smoothing your hair and your pants. Walking towards the door, you knock softly before sliding the door open. Mark tilts his head, seeing you walk in quietly with your lips pursed.
He didn’t know what to do. Should he send you a smile? Should he act cold?
When you got closer to him, you scan the state he was in. He had his forehead bandage and his arm in a cast. His lips were busted, a plaster on the bridge of his nose.
“Hey,” you say, voice still raspy from the crying earlier, “what happened?”
He clears his throat and looks away from you. He feels bad making you worried. But at the same time, he didn’t expect you to be here.
“Just a few bruises here and there,” he says.
“Mark.”
“It’s nothing, really!” he exclaims.
You glare at him, “fuck you,” you spit. “I came down here because everyone was so worried about you. I was so worried about you. And now that I’m here, you’re going to tell me it’s nothing?”
Mark was unbelievable. God, why do you like him so much?
His eyes soften at your words. He bit his lip nervously, intimidated by you, he slowly looks up at you, “I just don’t want to worry you,”
You scoff, “your job already worries me, Mark.”
He pouts without even realising. He looks down at his lap guiltily, playing with his fingers.
You felt bad for shouting at him. Letting out a huff, you amble closer.
“You’re okay now, right?” you ask him.
“Yeah,” he mumbles, his gaze glued on his lap.
A pregnant silence fills you two, unsure of what to say to each other. You didn’t want to leave, and Mark doesn’t want you to leave. You bit your lips awkwardly as you look everywhere but Mark.
“I think I’ll leave now,” you say, “I have work to do and I don’t want to… disturb you,”
You stare at him, waiting for him to say something. Anything. disappointment fills you when Mark looks away from your gaze. You turn around, ready to leave the room when Mark calls your name.
“Did you mean it?” he asks, “that day,”
You stop in your tracks, your back facing him. Your grip tightens on your sweatpants.
“Mean what?” you repeat, “you suggested it, Mark,”
“I know,” he breathes, “I regret it,”
You missed Mark. You missed his dumb jokes and his annoying laughter which you loved so much. You turn around to look at him.
“I don’t like seeing you this way, Mark,” you confess, “your job scares me, it worries me,”
“What can I do to make you not worry, y/n?” he asks, eyes widening, “should I stop doing it?”
“That’s not what I meant,” you reply harshly, “if you would actually let me stay by your side, it might ease my worries,”
You step closer to the boy, your hand resting on his cheek. He subconsciously lean against your soft hand.
“I’m sorry for what I said the other day,” he professes, “I..I didn’t mean what I said,”
You take a seat on the chair that was next to his bed, holding onto his hands tightly. “Then, why would you say that Mark?”
“I just—“ he sighs, “I just didn’t want to lose you to someone else, y/n,” he explains, looking up at you, “we weren’t even dating yet! I just knew that I genuinely like you.”
Your heart clench at his words. “I didn’t like seeing you with other girls either,”
“I know,” he huffs, his free hand going up to ruffle his mop of black hair, “I was just stupid,”
Your thumb strokes his hand comfortingly, “It’s okay. It’s all over now,”
“I don’t want to deal with this anymore,” he tells you, “all this, jealousy and possessiveness.”
Is he going to…?
“I have been dying to ask you this question for the longest time,” he continues, “would you like to be my girlfriend?”
#mark#mark lee scenarios#mark lee#mark lee drabbles#mark lee imagines#mark lee angst#mark lee fluff#mark lee smut#nct#nct127#nct dream#superm#wayv#nct scenarios#nct drabbles#nct imagines#nct angst#nct fluff#nct smut#angst#fluff#smut#drabbles#imagines#scenarios
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Fresh Blood, Old Scars Part 1
You'd disappeared 15 years ago without a trace- what's Yancy supposed to do when you walk into Happy Trails Penitentiary and don't recognize him, because he's transitioned? canon compliant trans!yancy/reader
Reader: he/him trans man, no physical description
Rating: T
Warnings: mentions of violence, canonical and parental. deadnaming and misgendering before either of you came out (none by anyone who knows the correct name/pronouns)
Word Count: 2,690
“Hey Yancy, I heard there’s fresh blood comin’ in today for some sorta museum heist.”
“Oh? Know anything else about these guys, so we can give ‘em a proper welcome, Bambam?”
“I know some. The first guy, Mark Iplier, claimed to have been in charge of the whole thing, but from what my sources said, it’s the partner that ran the show- just real quiet-like. I’ve been told that he don’t say a word.”
“Got a name for this, uh, silent partner?” He chuckled at his joke.
“Y/N L/N.” Yancy’s stomach dropped the way it always did when he heard that last name, your last name. Get your shit together. Wrong first name, and Bambam said he and his. Bambam don’t use pronouns other than they/them unless they’re sure. It’s just some guy with the same last name.
“Yance, you okay?” Tiny waved his hand in front of Yancy’s face.
“Yeah, yeah, just, uh, thinkin about how best to greet dese guys. The usual, wit Don’t Wanna Be Free ready just in case?”
“Right off the bat? You really think they’re that high of a flight risk?” Sparkles finally spoke up.
“I, uh, I don’t trust dem silent-types. They’s always schemin’, got somethin goin ahn in their heads.” And if he's anything like- yeah. Gone before you know it.
“Okay, if you say so. I’ll go let the others know.” Yancy didn’t even register who was speaking; he was too lost in memories.
- 15 years earlier-
Yancy knew it wasn’t cool to be excited for the first day of school when you’re a senior in high school, but he didn’t care. He didn’t need or even want to be cool- all he needed was to be your friend. Well, maybe not just friend. You’d been gone for almost the entire summer, and he’d spent the whole time figuring out how to both ask you out and tell you that he’s a guy.
He practically skipped across the street to your house so you can walk to school together, like you had every day since middle school. He knocked- nothing. Rang the doorbell- still nothing. He checked the back door and the spots where you had hidden spare keys over the years- nothing. All the curtains were drawn, too, so he couldn’t see inside. He kept trying as long as he possibly could before he had to sprint to make it to class just barely in time. All day, he kept an eye on the door, waiting for you- the two of you made sure to sign up for the exact same schedule before you went on your vacation. At lunch, he went to the office to see what he could find out.
“Y/DN isn’t a student here anymore- Mr L/N just told us last week.”
“What? Do you know where they went?”
“I’m sorry, hon, I don’t. All I know is that Y/DN is no longer a student here.”
He’d never ditched a class in his life, but that was the last thing on his mind as he ran home, crying. He didn’t stop crying for weeks.
-Present -
He’d never wanted to be wrong more in his life, but there you were. Looking better than he’d ever dreamed, following Mark around silently as he blabbered on about wanting to rally the other inmates to try to break out. No. I lost you once, and it cost me everything. I’m not about to lose you again. He quickly spread the word to skip pleasantries with the new guys and prepare for the song. As he was, you made eye contact with him from across the room. His heart dropped; you didn’t recognize him. You looked right through him, with the same calculating expression you gave everyone else. Of course he wasn’t gonna recognize you, dumbass. You’ve been on hormones for years and have had top surgery. Usually Yancy loved that he couldn’t see anything of the person he used to be in the mirror, but today he hated it more than anything in the world. Stick to the plan, Yance. He doesn’t recognize me, but it might be better this way. This way, I can get him to stay and get to know me as I am now, and he won’t be disappointed that I haven’t become anything like what we dreamed of so long ago.
Yancy couldn’t have planned it better, Mark practically begging Jimmy to punch him through the wall right before the show started, leaving you alone.
The number went great, as always, but then you showed him a picture of your parents. He knew that picture; you took it when the four of you went on a vacation together before you started your freshman year of high school. He also knew that he had once been in the picture, but you’d cut him out. The tape and staples that had been holding his heart together since you left fell away.
He stuck with his usual response to people citing family for wanting to leave, for the most part. No one at Happy Trails knew about you, and he’d killed his parents before they could leave him, so he’d kept his true abandonment issues to himself. Face to face with you after all these years, though, he couldn’t stop himself from adding “they’re always just gonna leave you behind” and a warning about trifling with the past. You flinched a little at both of those, and a spark of hope ignited in his chest- maybe you hadn’t forgotten about him, even if you didn’t recognize him now.
Then you still chose to leave. The rest of the rather single-sided conversation was a blur to him. Later, as he was tending to his injuries in solitary, he remembered calling you handsome and/or beautiful and your blush when he did. And, of course, you knocking him flat on his ass. He’d challenged you to a fight, because he’d always been able to beat you before. The part that truly left him confused, though, was why he offered to help you break out.
All he’d wanted for the last fifteen years was to go back to the day you left and beg you to stay. He’d told himself dozens, maybe hundreds, of times that if he ever saw you again, he’d do everything in his power to keep you with him. On his darker and angrier days, he truly meant everything. But here you are, and he offered to help you leave. This is what you get for even hoping someone might stick around. Let’s just do this. I gotta stop in with the warden first, though…
“Me? Out there? With you?” He chuckled. You had no idea that, with that simple gesture, you offered him everything he’d wanted for so long. Fuck, I don’t deserve him. I still love him, but he deserves someone better than the angry, selfish man I am. The fragments of his heart splintered even more. “I, um. I done a lotta bad things. And, uh.” He made himself brighten up. “This is home! For now, anyway. Maybe next time parole comes up, I’ll, uh” take it and go find you like I should have fifteen years ago. And I’ll spend every minute until then trying to become the kind of man you deserve. “Anyway, I gotta get back to it. You take care now, you hear? And, hey, visitation! Every third Sunday!” You looked down at the box you’d brought with you, and he ran. When he got back to his cell, he cried genuine tears for the first time since that August day when his world turned upside down.
- 2 weeks later, visitation day -
He knew hoping you’d come was a waste of time, and that he was just setting himself up for more pain. He’d learned the hard way that when you were gone, that was that. But still, there he was, looking up every time a guard walked into the room. As expected, they never called his name. The rest of the inmates gave him a wide berth as he went back to his cell for the night, and they were right to. He was itching for an excuse to fight. No one gave him one, though, so he told himself he’d find one tomorrow and got ready for bed.
When he got to his cell, it took him just one second to realize there was someone on his bed, pull them off, and shove them against the wall. It took him three more to process that it was you, and then another five to step back and let you go.
“Sorry for scaring you, Yancy. I didn’t mean to. It’s just… it’s visitation day, but I’m still wanted for the escape you helped me pull off, and I haven’t decided if I want to come back for good or not.” He stood there, frozen. You chuckled nervously. “I get it, your turn to be the quiet one. I’m sorry about that, by the way. There was a lot to process all at once, and I just kinda shut down when I get overwhelmed.”
I know. I remember that you didn’t say a single word our first day of high school, Yancy wanted to say. He wanted to say something, anything, but you being there and so close was just too much.
“Okay, so, honesty time; there’s a specific reason I came back.” You took a deep breath. “I haven’t been able to shake this feeling that I know you, somehow. But I know I’d remember meeting you- no way I’d forget someone like you. Anyway, I'm probably way off base and ridiculous. I guess I just wanted to tell you?” You ran your hand through your hair. “God, that sounds even flimsier than it felt in my head. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It, uh. It means a lot that you came back to say that.”
“Uh, Yancy? What happened to your accent?”
“Shit. Um. C’mere.” He muttered, as he sat down on his bed and pulled you down next to him. He prayed that you couldn’t hear how his heart started racing when he noticed your knees were touching. “No one here knows that the accent isn’t how I always speak. Not even the warden. I’ve been here five years and haven’t dropped it once. Anyone learns about this, and you’re dead, understand?” He knew that the threat was empty, but you seemed to believe it.
“Yeah, yeah, I do, don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me. I gotta ask, though- why fake it? It seems like a lot of effort. You don’t owe me an explanation, of course, but since you’re heart-on-your-sleeve about your parents, it must be one hell of a reason. I bet it’d feel good to let it off your chest. I can promise to leave and never come back if you do- a burden shared is a burden halved, and if I’m gone, you can be 100% sure no one here will know.”
He took a deep breath. “Something flipped my world on its head, and I needed to distance myself from who I was before. That’s an odd phrase, though- ‘a burden shared is a burden halved’. Where’d you pick that up?”
“Oh, um. The mom of someone I loved a long time ago used to say it a lot. It just kinda stuck, I guess.”
“Loved, huh? You break their heart, or did they break yours?” Yancy was surprised he got the words out without his voice shaking or cracking. You were silent for a long time, and Yancy was sure he’d pushed too hard and you would completely shut down or, worse, leave altogether.
“Sorry, I haven’t talked about this… ever." Your voice shook. "I’ve never talked to anyone about this. I don’t know if I was loved back, but if so, I was the heartbreaker. I didn’t mean to be- I couldn’t control having to leave, and I didn’t know I wasn’t coming back until it was too late. I couldn’t say goodbye. I’ve hoped every day for the last fifteen years that my feelings were unrequited, though. I’m happy to have the pain of an unrequited first love if it means she wasn’t heartbroken.” The incorrect pronoun stung a bit, but you didn’t know, and you’d loved him back all those years ago. He was invincible.
“Have you tried reaching out? Even if your feelings were one-sided, I think you owe it to both of you to say them, at least once.” He reached out and took your hands without thinking. You didn't stop him, and he felt like he could fly.
“I tried, actually. About eight years ago, I'd, uh, escaped and was finally an actual person again after everything that was done to and taken from me, so I started looking for her. But it’s like she vanished off the face of the earth five years to the day after we were separated. It’s actually how I met Mark- I got into some deep and shady shit looking. I only gave up last year. Nothing turned up in seven years of searching, so I have to figure that she did something incredibly stupid a decade ago and got herself killed.”
“I didn’t die. Just the name did.” Yancy breathed. A half second later, he realized he’d said it out loud, and his heart stopped. You took your hands out of his and scooted away.
“Yancy. Are you trying to tell me that you’re- that we- oh my god. It is you. I knew I knew you. Everything else is different, but I should have recognized your eyes. I guess some part of me did. But you- I- I thought you were dead.”
“As you can see, I’m not dead, Brain. And for the record, your feelings were definitely not one-sided.” He reached out and cupped your cheek with one hand.
“Shit, Pinky, it really is you.”
Yancy had dreamed about how seeing you again would go in a million different ways. Not a single one of those included you practically jumping into his lap and kissing him with a lifetime's worth of love and want.
He let out an undignified whine when you broke the kiss. “Wait, wait. You knew from the second I walked in here who I was, didn’t you? You tried so hard to stop me from leaving… but then you helped me do just that. You chose to stay here when I asked you to come with me. Then I came back, and you got me to say all those things… And we’re both trans and wound up here? This is all just. So much. I can’t- I can’t do this.” You got off his lap and scooted to the far end of the bed.
“What are you saying, Y/N? That you’re leaving? Again?” He couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice.
You stood up and faced him. “You do not get to play that card. You don’t know how much I went through trying to find a way to tell you I was sorry, that I didn’t know that the trip was a permanent one until we were on the other side of the country. Dad said that I'd never see mom again, and he’d kill me if I tried to get in touch with you or anyone else from back home. He broke my arm to prove he meant it. I can’t stay here to unpack all of this. I have to go. But you can come with me. I mean it even more now than I did last time. I’m not leaving you, I’m leaving here.”
You walked to the cell door and looked back at him with a sigh. “But I know you, and you have a family here. I’ll get you my address- it’s your turn to come to me, when you’re ready. I’ve waited 15 years to be with you again, what’s a little bit longer?” Without giving him a chance to respond, you kissed him again and were gone.
#yancy x yn#yancy x reader#yancy x male reader#yancy x trans male reader#yancy ahwm#ahwm fanfiction#otp: don't want to be free#self ship fanfic#self shipping fanfiction#self shipping fic
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DIABOLIK LOVERS MORE BLOOD Vol.2: Mukami Kou [Track 9+10]
Original title: 気持ちいことを考える時間 & 明けることのない夜
Source: Diabolik Lovers More, Blood Vol. 2: Mukami Kou [CD not owned by me]
Audio: Here
Seiyuu: Kimura Ryouhei
Translator’s note: Rejet listened to my pleas and there’s no more yucky noises in these last two tracks, thank god. T _ T If it weren’t for track 7 & 8, I’d say this CD was actually quite enjoyable despite Kou not being super high up on my favorites list. I just can’t handle the bodily gore stuff though. ;; You may say I got into the wrong fandom then and maybe I did butー Have some mercy on my weak stomach. xD
Track 1+2 ll Track 3+4 ll Track 5+6 ll Track 7+8 ll Track 9+10
→ LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!
Track 9: Time to Think About Pleasure
*Rustle*
“Hm...I’m thirsty again. ...Geez...I wonder if I’ve been successfully caught in your web and stooped down to their level. Oh well, I guess it’s fine. As long as I have youー and as long as I can have your blood, all of my desires will be fulfilled...”
*Rustle*
“Ah-aaah~ These twig legs...When looking at them, I can’t help but want to rip them to shreds, you see? ...However...I’m feeling quite good right now, so I’ll let you off the hook.”
*Rustle*
[00:40] “Hmー Are you running low on blood, perhaps? Somehow it doesn’t gush out the same way it did before. ...So I’m going to have to increase the pressure on your leg a little...”
He squeezes down as you cry out.
*Rustle rustle*
“There we go. I wonder what will happen if I block your blood circulation like this...~? Ah. Does it hurt? But don’t worry. I’ll give you pleasure in a sec. Say, you’ll forgive me, right?”
You writhe around.
[01:15] “Haha...I really feel as if I could just tear your leg off with my fangs. You should be grateful to your own blood for being so delicious, otherwise you would lose your limbs in no time. Fufufu...~”
Kou bites you again.
*Gulp gulp gulp*
“Mmh...Nn...”
*Sluuuurp*
*Gulp gulp*
“Haah...So sweet...and delicious...”
*Sluuuurp*
“Give me more...Hahn...”
*Gulp gulp*
“Hah...”
*Gulp*
“Haah, hah...”
*Gulp*
“Haah...I feel as if I’ve reached my peak as well...You feel good too, don’t you? ...Hey, are you listening to me?”
You just weakly whimper in return.
[02:19] “Hey, answer me. I’m the one asking you a question after all. If you don’t, then I really can’t guarantee your safety. Ah...Did you perhaps come just now? (1) Ahahaha...Honestly, I don’t need to hear your reply, I can tell by the look on your face.”
*Rustle rustle*
“However...You’re still not satisfied yet, are you? I can tell by that greedy look in your eyes. You want me, don’t you~? Well, I suppose I should give you a reward seeing as you managed to get off from my fangs~ I’ll kiss you...~”
*Smooch smooch*
You flinch.
“...Hm? Why do you seem so surprised? You like this sorta stuff, don’t you? Hah. ...Most foolish human girls are weak to kisses. Mmh...”
*Smooch*
“Ah...”
*Smooch*
“Fufu...”
*Smooch*
[03:32] “...Haahー Honestly, humans are so cheap to feel satisfied just from pressing one’s lips together like this. It’s so easy, it almost seems precious. ...See? You looked somewhat happy for a split second just now, didn’t you? Look at you getting the wrong idea already...I was spot on, wasn’t I?”
You frown.
“Ah-aah, you really are such a fool. Hahaha...”
*Rustle*
[04:06] “Well then...Where should I bite you next? I can feel my body aching, begging for more. ...Hehe. I’ll search for more of their marks and remove all traces of those guys’ fangs. ...Brace yourself.”
*Rustle*
“Hmー Next up is...Here, I guess? The nape. I wonder who sucked from here, huh? Do you remember all that information?”
Kou licks your skin.
[04:44] “I bet you recall it upon having these marks touched and your body starts to ache all over, correct?”
*Rustle*
“Say...What do you want me to do? Should I just plunge my fangs in? I don’t take requests like this very often so come on, hurry up and give me an answer.”
*Rustle*
“Ah, right! Let’s do something they’ve never done to you before! We have plenty of time on our hands after all. ...Hey, are you listening?”
*Smack*
[05:15] “Don’t space out on me now. I’m right in front of you, so you have to stay focused, looking only at me, thinking only of me.”
*Cling cling*
“...Hm? Ah. I still haven’t untied your arms, have I? I doubt you have the energy to fight back anymore, so I suppose I can remove this thing.”
*Cling cling*
[05:48] “Hm...Hahaha...You’re slouching but we’re still far from done, you know? I still want to have lots more fun after all. I’m doing you the honor of giving you my full attention, so I see no reason for you to refuse?”
Track 10: A Never-Ending Night
“Now what to do...~ Well, I suppose I should do something about these marks on your nape first, right? I bet they make you feel disgusted too. ...Don’t they?”
*Rustle rustle*
“Hm...To be honest, it’s the first time I feel this...unexplainable anger towards marks which aren’t my own...For real...I’ll make sure to get rid of all of them...”
Kou bites you.
“Hahn...”
*Gulp gulp*
“Haah...”
*Gulp*
“Haah, hah...”
*Gulp*
“...I have to go deeper...More...”
*Gulp gulp*
“Haah...Haah...!”
*Gulp*
[01:08] “Hah...! ...Phew...I wonder why I just don’t feel satisfied...even when I’ve sucked so much of your blood already...? I just end up craving more and more, wanting to push to the very limit...Until you die...! Exactly. Let’s go to that limit. Don’t you think that might just make it even more enjoyable...? Fufu~ ...Hm?”
*Rustle rustle*
“What’s wrong...? Look at you snuggle up to me...”
You explain.
[01:51] “Your body has gone limp? ...Geez, you’re so hopeless. Come here, I’ll embrace you tightly.”
*Rustle*
“Hm? It hurts...? Well, of course it does. I squeezed you tightly all at once after all. ...See? As a result, blood has started gushing out the wound from earlier.”
*Sluuuurp*
“Hahn...”
*Gulp*
*Sluuuurp*
[02:29] “Haah...You see, this whole time I’ve also been...I guess you would call these dizzy spells? The room’s spinning and my body feels so hot, as if I’m melting...I feel we might just become one.
[02:55] “At first I thought I had caught myself quite the masochistic kitten. I was convinced you’d upset me and wouldn’t last long but before I knew it, this happened...Laughable. ...Furthermore, I’m frustrated with myself. It doesn’t make sense for someone like me to feel satisfied with someone else’s second-hand goods. (2) Under normal circumstances, I’d never show interest in such a person...”
*Sniff*
[03:37] “When I get a whiff of your nearby scent, I get the urge to plunge my fangs inside. This must be my instincts rather than just a mere reflex, right? Fufu...But that’s what you want as well, isn’t it?”
You remain quiet.
“...Hah! I’ve told you a million times so far, but I expect an answer when I ask you a question. I don’t care if you’re lost in the pleasure from my fangs, getting the cold shoulder still pisses me off. ...Don’t come crying to me afterwards.”
Kou bites you again.
*Gulp gulp gulp*
“Hah...”
*Gulp gulp*
[04:29] “Haah, haah...Aah...I still want you more...I’ll devour you whole...With everything I’ve got...You must be happy to hear that, no? Of course you are. You should be grateful...to the blood now flowing through both our bodies. Haah...”
*Gulp gulp gulp*
[05:05] “Mmph...Haah, haah...Come on, open your eyes and look at me. That’s all you need to bring you joy, right? The morning will never come again. ーー Never. Because I’ve already decided I will make you mine.
“Fufu...Ahaha...It’s fine. I already know you’re happy. So just offer all of your blood to me...as you lie there and think about how glad you are to have become mine, okay?”
*Gulp gulp gulp*
“Hahn...Mmh...”
*Gulp gulp*
“Hah...
*Gulp*
“Haah...Haahn...”
*Gulp gulp*
ーー THE END ーー
Translation notes
(1) いく or ‘iku’ has many meanings, one of which being ‘to climax/to have an orgasm’.
(2) Kou does use the term second-hand product (中古品), referring to the fact that MC has already been used and bitten by the Sakamaki’s in the past and therefore is no longer ‘pure’.
#diabolik lovers#dialovers#kou mukami#diabolik lovers translation#diabolik lovers more blood#diabolik lovers drama cd#drama cd
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9/10 Chapter 1 - Malt
I started writing a bit of a Harry/Kim fanfic??? Because why the hell not. Anyway, here’s the first part of it. I’m kind of just making it up as I go with a few specific ideas scattered in my head. Spoilers for various plot points. Here’s a sample before the cut. Feel free to send any suggestions or critique, since it’s been ages since I have done much writing. Still working on getting a feel for Harry’s skill voices.
YOU — After a little while, your voice finally returns. “Why are you so nice to me?”
KIM KITSURAGI — He takes a long pause and leans back in his chair. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just stubborn too.”
PERCEPTION — You turn to look at him as you finally untangle yourself from your chrysalis of arms, and he looks different somehow. You don’t know if it’s your eyes being sore as hell, or the dull ambiance of the hazy bar lights. Somehow, he looks so light. His bomber jacket is slightly pulled up by his folded arms behind his head, seeming to break the bulky illusion it usually projects over his slim torso. Like suddenly seeing a gap in a suit of armor.
SUGGESTION — You should tickle him.
ESPRIT DE CORPS — He will kill you in mere seconds if you do that.
ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN — Hello again, Harry boy. The midnight train to Fuck-All-Borough is boarding once again, and you’ve pre-paid your seat.
YOU — Okay.
ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN — Yes, that’s right. Let’s drive right into the sweet, succulent sopor of oblivion. Let no feelings come to pass, no sensations, just the pure bliss of the radiating void.
YOU — But aren’t you here?
ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN — That’s just it, Harry. I’m nothing. I am the pale of the mind, I am the deafening silence, I am the black canvas that stretches taut when you close your eyes. I am the swaddle that cradles the mind and the ocean you will drown in. I am born of you and someday, you will die in me.
LIMBIC SYSTEM — But not yet—something still stirs in this weighted sack. Something heavy, and sore, and full of noise that steadily rises into a crescendo.
PERCEPTION — And then you open your eyes. And it fucking hurts.
PAIN THRESHOLD — Dear god, it’s like a jackhammer on a pogo stick on another jackhammer.
PERCEPTION — You realize there’s a smell you haven’t smelled in a few weeks now that’s uncomfortably emanating from your form. Al Gul.
COMPOSURE — Oh. You finally did it again. You fucked up.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY — So we got a little smashed. Who cares. You know what’s a great way to stop feeling sorry about it? Getting smashed again.
AUTHORITY — No.
YOU — Why am I always fucking things up?
HALF LIGHT — Because life is terrifying.
LOGIC — He’s right about that one.
YOU — What was I doing last night?
ELECTROCHEMISTRY — Like I said, getting smashed.
CONCEPTUALIZATION — Painting the world with a palette of sugary booze and sad, old rock and roll for sad, old rockstars.
YOU — Who did I hurt this time?
DRAMA — Mostly, just yourself.
VOLITION — A small miracle, if so. You’re used to self-immolation.
YOU — But why? Why now? We were doing better.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY — Speak for yourself.
LOGIC — You do know that you can’t just ride out two decades of practiced chemical drowning on a workhorse of piety and guilt, right?
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT — This ceaseless dependency on cocktails of narcotics and spirits has weakened you shamefully.
PERCEPTION — You look around your dimly lit bedroom, eyes half-closed anyway to quiet the searing pain in your cerebral cortex, slowly putting the pieces back together as the rest of your body wakes up.
YOU — I was having a shitty day. I was stuck on a case and my mind just kept drifting into half-remembered past mistakes. After work, I decided to do it. I called her again, like an idiot. I thought to myself, I can do this, I can let her go, and I’ll tell her I’m finally over it (almost).
INLAND EMPIRE — But that is not how it went. She had prepared for the next time you would call. The last time was terrifying enough, torn awake at 3 in the morning, listening to your desperate lies, digging through past trauma.
YOU — “Hey, uh, Dora. It’s Harry. I’m sorry—“
PERCEPTION — A sharp sigh breaks your concentration.
DORA — “Let me stop you there, Harry. Because I’m tired of this. You’ve been doing this six years now but it feels at least twice as long. So since you can’t put an end to it, I am. Don’t call again. You won’t be reaching me at this number anymore.”
PERCEPTION — Before you can react, there’s silence. And a dial tone.
YOU — Fuck. Fuck shit fuck.
COMPOSURE — You stumble through dialing the number again, fingers slipping the first time from nerves and connecting the second, with no answer. You try again. And again. And then you stop trying. It takes everything in you not to smash the phone where it sits.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT — You need to smash something. If we can’t smash the phone, we HAVE to smash something.
REACTION SPEED — Your feet are already taking you away from the pay phone, one thought ahead of the rest of you. You barely round the corner into the alley before you plant your fist full force into the nearest brick wall.
PAIN THRESHOLD — Your hand spirals into a fractal of pain, blood dripping down your busted knuckles, slowly running down the dirtied wall. You can feel the cracking of your knuckles, like a brittle lacework of glass strapped down only by the leather of your worn-out hands.
HALF-LIGHT — Get out of here.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY — Now that you’re done smashing your fist, it’s time to get the rest of you smashed.
YOU — “Fuck it. I’m getting a drink.”
CONCEPTUALIZATION — From there, it was a blaze of sweet, hot fire down your throat and back up again, run ragged from shitty karaoke and mild alcohol poisoning. But the film reel is running thin, and you’re struggling to get anything else from your memory bank.
YOU — How did I get back? I don’t remember walking home.
ESPRIT DE CORPS — You asked for help.
HAND-EYE COORDINATION — You pat at your pockets, searching for the right one, not quite remembering what you’re doing but knowing the answer you thought of for a fraction of a second is somewhere in there. After a moment, you find it, carefully tucked away but nevertheless damp with sweat from your slacks.
“If you need to talk— 005-93-88-651 Lt. Kitsuragi”
INTERFACING — Your hands are a bit shaky, but you dial out the number on the slip of paper in your hands.
PERCEPTION — It rings once. Twice. A third time. And then you hear the receiver click.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Hello?”
SHIVERS — In a small apartment in Central Jamrock, not too far from Precinct 41, and not too far from the Jamrock Public Library, Lieutenant Kitsuragi sits on his bed, some light reading in hand, winding down for the night. His new apartment is still filled with cardboard boxes here and there, in no particular hurry to be unpacked. The lights of the city pierce through like little pinpricks in the glare of his bedside window, still insistent on their presence even in the quiet of a cool spring night.
YOU — “Hi, Kim, I uh…” Your voice shakes and you lose your words for a moment, because some part of you really didn’t expect him to pick up.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Detective? It’s after midnight.”
DRAMA — It’s already that late? You must’ve woken him up. A bad start.
YOU — “Uhh… sorry, I uh. Wasn’t looking at the clock. We can just talk tomorrow—“
KIM KITSURAGI — “You’re drunk.”
COMPOSURE — Fuck. There’s nothing coming out of your mouth anymore. Another bad phone call. It takes everything in you not to cry. You do anyway.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Where are you?”
YOU — You manage to croak out enough to say “Sunshine’s Hideaway. Bar on 12th street.”
KIM KITSURAGI — He pauses a moment, thinking. “...I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
ESPRIT DE CORPS — He’s thinking about the best route there.
LOGIC — He doesn’t have his motor carriage right now. He’s going to have to walk it, and it’s cold out.
YOU — “I… you don’t have to do that, I’ll just—“
KIM KITSURAGI — “Harrier, just shut up and park your ass somewhere warm until I get there.”
AUTHORITY — He’s doing it! He’s doing the eyebrow thing but on the phone! I didn’t know he could do that!
YOU — “Yessir.”
It probably takes about 15 minutes for him to arrive, though each minute feels like five. You feel like a child waiting for their parents to come pick them up at school. You’re pretty sure everyone is staring at you. You can’t really see through the blurry bokeh of your stupid tears.
But you can just barely make out the door of the bar opening, followed by a silhouette marked by orange slipping through. Lieutenant Kitsuragi spots you after a moment, and you quickly try to wipe your eyes like you haven’t just been crying the whole time as he approaches.
KIM KITSURAGI — You can hear him pull at the chair next to yours, calmly settling into place. “Hello, detective.”
YOU — You try to pull up some words, but you just find yourself nodding appreciatively as you try not to grimace.
COMPOSURE — Somehow, the moment his eyes fall on you, you feel like someone just ripped the rug right out from under your feet. You slide down on your elbows, face pressing down onto the table in humiliation, locking your hands together on the back of your neck, like you’re trying to hide in a little tomb of your own arms.
KIM KITSURAGI — You hear the lieutenant take a deep breath and sigh. He unzips his jacket, stifling him in the warm interior of the bar. “That rough, huh?”
YOU — You don’t want to say anything, but your mouth opens before you can stop it. “I’m such an asshole, Kim. I keep fucking everything up, over and over, no matter how hard I try. I just. Keep falling back into my bullshit.” Your voice shakes as you get the words out. “Is this just as good as it’s gonna get at this point? Have I fucked up entirely too much, entirely too long, am I just… this constant trainwreck now and forever? How much of myself have I wasted away into nothing, doing this shit? Acting like a child. Acting like an animal. It feels sometimes like all I have is more downturns. More hurting people. More hurting myself. And I’m so, so fucking tired… and I don’t wanna do this anymore. If this is how it is, I don’t want to… be.” Your voice stops making any noise by the time you reach the end of that.
HALF-LIGHT — And then there’s silence. You know this silence. It’s the sound of someone deciding they’re sick of your shit. This is the moment he realizes he really, truly does not know you and you don’t know him. And he knows he has to get out of here, before you take him down with you, like you’ve done to so many others.
EMPATHY — But then there’s a hard pat on your back. Thumping against a hollow drum, ringing through your electrified lungs.
KIM KITSURAGI — “It’s okay, detective.”
PERCEPTION — His voice is soft and careful.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Honestly, it’s astonishing you’ve held out this long. It’s barely been two months since Martinaise. Since the Whirling. Throughout my time in the RCM, I have seen many good officers break over less. I didn’t know you before March. I don’t really know what kind of officer you might’ve been before that. But who I am familiar with is the Lieutenant Double-Yefreitor Harrier Du Bois, the officer I met two months ago, who is probably the strangest man I’ve ever met, but he is also the most relentless, the most stubborn, the most annoying, and honestly, the most sincere man I’ve ever known to grace the RCM. He is a man who cares enough to find the time in his busy workload to help people he just met, whose troubles he sniffs out like a bloodhound, offering them the help that no one else would. No matter how trivial, or how complicated. I don’t know if this selflessness is something you picked up because you don’t know how to help yourself, but I do know there’s a real effort in there. There’s a real, true love for the people of Revachol. And I know how much this job takes out of people. You can’t turn every mistake around in just a few months. Probably not even a few years. But I think what matters is that you are trying, and I can see how much it hurts you to feel like you’ve failed in that. Please don’t think that tonight is a sign that you can’t do better. Tonight is a dam breaking in the expectations you’ve built up for yourself after staring down your own potential.”
PERCEPTION — Are you laughing? Or is that crying?
INLAND EMPIRE — It feels like there are ghosts escaping your every breath. Like parts of you are desperately rushing to the surface, tearing through flesh and bone, clawing at a chance for freedom. The lieutenant’s arm still rests heavily on your back, the only anchor your spirit has left as it dissipates into vapor and rushes through the night.
VOLITION — You cry until there’s nothing left in you anymore.
YOU — After a little while, your voice finally returns. “Why are you so nice to me?”
KIM KITSURAGI — He takes a long pause and leans back in his chair. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just stubborn too.”
PERCEPTION — You turn to look at him as you finally untangle yourself from your chrysalis of arms, and he looks different somehow. You don’t know if it’s your eyes being sore as hell, or the dull ambiance of the hazy bar lights. Somehow, he looks so light. His bomber jacket is slightly pulled up by his folded arms behind his head, seeming to break the bulky illusion it usually projects over his slim torso. Like suddenly seeing a gap in a suit of armor.
SUGGESTION — You should tickle him.
ESPRIT DE CORPS — He will kill you in mere seconds if you do that.
KIM KITSURAGI — After a moment, he realizes you’re staring at him, then adjusts in his seat, leaning forward and settling his arms in front of him. “How are you feeling? Do you think you can walk?”
YOU — “I uhh... probably. My leg doesn’t hurt as much right now.”
KIM KITSURAGI — “Mm.” He mutters, getting up from his seat. “At least there is that small grace. How far is your place?”
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT — You’re pretty sure he’s offering to walk you back. You’re not a child, you can get home perfectly fine on your own, thank you.
YOU — “Ten blocks.”
COMPOSURE — You quickly try to rise to your feet, but it becomes immediately apparent that the floor has been replaced with a rickety old carousel, and you promptly lose your footing.
REACTION SPEED — Before you can even attempt to figure out what is happening, you realize that Lieutenant Kitsuragi has wrapped one of his arms around your back.
PERCEPTION — His grip is tight and you can feel the muscles tensing in his forearm against your back. Once again, its presence stabilizes you, a beacon for your twisting senses to converge upon. It takes a few moments for everything to slot back into the correct place.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Are you sure you’re alright, detective?”
DRAMA — His concern is quite sincere.
YOU — “I just gotta sleep this off.” You say as you steady yourself back upright.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Let’s get going, then.” He nods to you as he zips up his jacket again, then stretches his right arm out behind your back.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT — No, dude, fuck that shit, you’re sick of people propping you up because of your stupid leg, we can do this shit on our own!
YOU — “Thanks.” You steady yourself against his arm and extend your left against his back as well.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT — Hey, what!
DRAMA — By now, the lieutenant knows when you’re just trying to bullshit and act like a tough guy. It’s time to drop the act, for now. He knows you need the help. You wouldn’t have called him if you didn’t.
CONCEPTUALIZATION — That’s all I got. The rest is just black.
YOU — Ugghhhhhh damn it. Like Kim hasn’t seen enough of me making an ass of myself by now.
EMPATHY — On the bright side, his mental image of you can probably only improve. Hopefully. Maybe.
YOU — Whatever. What time is it?
PERCEPTION — You look around for your alarm clock, and find it knocked onto the floor beside your bed. It says 9:53.
YOU — Shit. Did I have work today?
ESPRIT DE CORPS — No. Your hours have been temporarily reduced during your recovery period.
YOU — Right. Okay. I should probably get up and do something about this headache.
You throw the blanket off of your body and gradually roll yourself out of bed, bones creaking with aches and pains, limping across the room and dodging various discarded clothes and shoes that litter the floor. You twist the doorknob and open your bedroom door, making your way across the living room, towards the bathroom.
REACTION SPEED — Wait! There’s someone… on the couch?
PERCEPTION — A figure of a man lies on the couch, covered with an ugly patchwork blanket, still sleeping. Next to the couch, an orange bomber jacket rests. Wait… is that Kim?
HALF-LIGHT — OH MY GOD, you’re half-naked, GET BACK IN YOUR ROOM AND PUT YOUR PANTS ON BEFORE YOU HUMILIATE YOURSELF.
SAVOIR FAIRE — You quickly backpedal, trying not to make any noise, and press your door shut firmly, hoping that you weren’t noticed.
YOU — Why is he here??? I thought he just walked me home?
HALF-LIGHT — Stop thinking and get your damn armor on!
VOLITION — Armor? We didn’t find any armor pants in Martinaise.
DRAMA — He’s being metaphorical.
You hurriedly stuff your legs into the closest pair of semi-clean trousers before peeking out the door again.
PERCEPTION — The lieutenant is still asleep on the couch.
SAVOIR FAIRE — Alright, go time. You sneak through the living room and into the bathroom, carefully trying not to creak the medicine cabinet as you get yourself some painkillers.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY — Down the whole bottle! Party time!
VOLITION — No. We are not doing that.
After taking the recommended dose of painkillers, you peek out into the living room again.
PERCEPTION — Lieutenant Kitsuragi is still resting quietly on your couch, lying on his back, tightly wrapped in the ugly spare blanket from your linen closet. You suddenly realize there’s something different about the living room… such as, there’s less garbage everywhere.
EMPATHY — Did he clean the room up for you? Or maybe for himself?
You exit the bathroom and slowly cross the living room, stopping halfway through, looking at the lieutenant again.
PERCEPTION — He looks peaceful, and his face relaxed and still. With his glasses off, you notice more of the shape of his brow and his tired eyes. His breathing is slow and measured, with quiet sighs. One of his arms dangles out from under the blanket, his hand just barely off the floor. His fingers are thin, bony, weathered from work, with little scars and blemishes that have mostly faded away.
SUGGESTION — Hold it.
YOU — What?
No one replies. You stare for a moment, feeling a tension in your chest. Curiosity snakes through your skin. You step closer towards the couch, then slowly crouch down, meeting the lieutenant’s eye level.
SUGGESTION — Hold it. Please.
You reach forward, and the lieutenant suddenly stirs.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Mmnh…” His eyes flutter open. “Oh, good morning detective.”
YOU — “Uh, yeah. Good morning.” You casually withdraw your hand and rest it on your leg. “Why are you here…?”
KIM KITSURAGI — “You don’t remember?” He asks with a hint of concern.
YOU — “Well, mostly. I remember you helped me walk home, but after that, it’s fuzzy.”
KIM KITSURAGI — “Ah, so just the normal amount of alcohol-induced forgetfulness.” The lieutenant nods at you, then sits up on the couch. He reaches for his glasses on the side table, then folds them open. “I decided to stay here on the couch, just in case...” He trails off.
EMPATHY — To keep an eye on you. In case you started doing worse.
YOU — “...Thanks. I’m sorry for interrupting your night.”
KIM KITSURAGI — “No need to apologize,” he says with a slight smile. “Honesty, I’m… glad you asked for help instead of isolating yourself. That would have been…” He pauses, looking for the correct words. “Not ideal. What time is it, anyway?”
YOU — “Bit after 10.”
KIM KITSURAGI — “Already that late? Good thing I’m not working today.”
YOU — “Sorry to make you clean up after me.” You say, glancing across the room.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Well, no, it’s not your fault or anything. You didn’t expect company.” He seems a bit self-conscious suddenly, looking away. “I suppose it’s more like I don’t know how to leave a mess alone.”
SUGGESTION — You’re not sure which mess he means—the apartment, or you.
EMPATHY — It’s both.
You feel a slight embarrassment tingling across the surface of your skin and decide to change the topic.
YOU — “You said you have the day off?”
KIM KITSURAGI — “Yes, I have a few errands to run, part of some loose ends to clean up for my transfer to 41. But I can get those done any time during the day.”
SUGGESTION — You should—
YOU — “Do you wanna go get breakfast? I know a good place down the street.” You say it before you can even finish thinking.
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant sits quietly for a moment, adjusting his glasses. “Hmmm… sure, why the hell not. I’ve got some time to spare.”
SUGGESTION — Jackpot!
YOU — “I’m gonna go get dressed, you’re welcome to the bathroom if you need it.”
KIM KITSURAGI — “Sounds good.”
You walk into your bedroom and shut the door behind you.
CONCEPTUALIZATION — Time to get stylish!
LOGIC — Not that stylish, it’s just breakfast. Don’t make it weird.
INLAND EMPIRE — Hey, weird is our thing!
YOU — I think I’m just gonna wear whatever’s clean and doesn’t smell repulsive.
CONCEPTUALIZATION — Oh, sorry, didn’t know we were Boring Cop today.
After taking a quick glance at what’s available, you decide to just go with a simple, pastel gingham button-up and a fresh pair of jeans. Glancing at your coats, you grab a blue blazer with a checkered lining.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT — Oh my god you look like a nerd.
RHETORIC — No, he looks smart. Ready to have a battle of the wits.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT — Yeah, like I said, A NERD!
You quietly ignore the high school bullying going on inside your head as you exit the room. Lieutenant Kitsuragi glances at you from next to the couch, in the middle of putting on his jacket.
KIM KITSURAGI — “No disco today?” He says with a slight smile.
YOU — “All my disco’s due for the wash.”
KIM KITSURAGI — He tugs at his collar and settles his jacket into place. “It’s almost odd to see you in something so… tame.”
YOU — “I mean, I still got the jackets from Fuck the World and Piss F****t if you change your mind.”
KIM KITSURAGI — “Somehow I doubt the waitstaff would be understanding of the artist’s statements at breakfast.” He lets out a small chuckle.
EMPATHY — There’s a surprising softness in his response.
KIM KITSURAGI — “I’m all set to go if you are.”
The two of you head out of your apartment and set out down the road, your destination just two blocks away. The streets of Jamrock are already lively with pedestrians and motor carriages milling about. Before long, you arrive at a staircase with a weathered, striped canopy hanging above, quietly announcing its presence with simple text saying “The Lazy Daisy”. You and the lieutenant head down the stairs and enter the little eatery, pushing past the door and being met with the sweet and salty smells of this morning’s meals. You wave to the waitress and take a seat at a little table in the corner.
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant takes his seat across from you, his eyes studying the surroundings. “You know, I never noticed this place before.”
YOU — “Yeah, it’s easy to miss amongst all the other businesses on this road.”
KIM KITSURAGI — “But you remembered it?”
YOU — “I think my feet did.”
WAITRESS — A cheerful, pudgy woman in her forties wearing a striped apron walks over to the table, little menu books in hand. “Good morning officers! Thanks for stopping by the Lazy Daisy today. Can I get you something to drink while you look over the menu?”
YOU — “You wanna get a pot of coffee, Kim?”
KIM KITSURAGI — “Sure, that sounds fine.”
WAITRESS — “Alright, I’ll give you a moment to look over the menu!”
You already know what you’re going to order: skillet hash with a side of toast. You watch the lieutenant look the menu over and find yourself wondering what he’ll order.
YOU — “You seem like an Eggs Benedict kind of guy to me.”
KIM KITSURAGI — “I was thinking about trying this malted waffle actually. It’s been a while since I had a good waffle.” He replies, not looking up from the menu. “But you are correct, I do enjoy a good Eggs Benedict.”
YOU — “Can’t go wrong with either one.”
WAITRESS — The waitress returns, a full pot of coffee in one hand and two mugs in the other. She gently places the pot of coffee at the center of the little table and places the mugs down on either side. “Alright, so what can I get for you boys?”
YOU — “I’ll go for the skillet hash with a side of dry toast. And the lieutenant here…”
KIM KITSURAGI — “I’ll take a malted waffle with a side of bacon.”
WAITRESS — “Sounds great! I’ll bring it out when it’s ready.”
You turn your attention to the coffee and partially fill both of the mugs, absent-mindedly adding a sugar cube and a little cup of half-and-half to yours and stirring, watching the color spread and blend. You look up and notice the lieutenant surveying the restaurant again.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Hmmm… yes, this place certainly seems your style.”
YOU — “What, sad and old?”
KIM KITSURAGI — He smiles slightly, but his brow betrays his discomfort. “No, I was thinking more along the lines of… eclectic, stubborn, lively.” He glances at the walls covered in various posters, art, and rock and roll memorabilia.
YOU — “Disco.”
KIM KITSURAGI — “Disco.” He nods affirmatively.
You absently stir your coffee and lift it to your mouth to take a sip, mulling over topics of conversation.
RHETORIC — Go for a standard sort of icebreaker, what’s the latest with him, that sort of thing.
ESPRIT DE CORPS — Let’s talk work. Trade some gritty case stories with him!
INTERFACING — Maybe you could talk torque dork to torque dork?
EMPATHY — Neither of you have motor carriages right now. That would just be a bummer.
INLAND EMPIRE — Ask him to tell you a secret!
AUTHORITY — That one never works.
YOU — “You just moved into your new place, right Kim? How is it?”
KIM KITSURAGI — “Hmm, it’s not bad. I had to make a few concessions but… there’s a bit more floor space than my last place. I finally have a good space for a proper desk.” He takes a sip of his coffee. “Now the only trouble is getting a desk up three flights of stairs.”
YOU — “I can lend you a hand with that if you want. I have reason to suspect I may be a former gym teacher.”
PERCEPTION — You can’t really hear it, but judging by the steam rolling away from the mug at his lips, you can tell the lieutenant let a light chuckle out through his nose before taking another sip of coffee.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Maybe I’ll take you up on that when I find something suitable.”
RHETORIC — Great job! Look at you! You’re so good at talking like a normal person!
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant casually withdraws his notebook from his jacket and starts perusing it while he slowly sips his coffee.
YOU — “Hey, no working until we’ve had breakfast.”
KIM KITSURAGI — He barely moves, glancing upwards at you and cocking an eyebrow.
AUTHORITY — It’s fine, that brow is only operating at about 25% capacity. You got this.
YOU — “Take a break, lieutenant.” You place your hand on top of his, gently encouraging him to lower the notebook onto the table. He nonchalantly relents, quickly withdrawing his hand and tucking it under his other arm, which rests casually on the table. His glance wanders away from you and out towards the windows.
EMPATHY — It’s hard to tell if he’s annoyed or just playing up indifference. Perhaps you shouldn’t have grabbed his hand like that.
You take a moment to look around the restaurant, passively taking in the surroundings that feel intensely familiar to your instincts, but strangely recent to the rest of you. It’s a weird feeling, one you’ve been experiencing just about everywhere you go in Jamrock. Places that you know but have never seen. Drifting shadows of the person you once were, and still are, half-buried in a haze. Your head fluctuates in the pressure, a mix of pristine images just out of reach and faint illusions gripped tightly in your palm.
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant’s low voice suddenly pulls you back to reality. “Everything alright, detective?”
INLAND EMPIRE — There is a hole in my brain.
YOU — “Yeah, sorry. Just thinking about the usual.” You pause, contemplating your next words. “Grinding the bourgeoisie into sausage for the proletariat and whatnot,” you lie.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Ah, so nice of you to join us, Comrade Mazov.”
YOU — You quickly bust out your trusty finger guns and fire off two shots, clicking your tongue as you snap your fingers.
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant is unphased by your reckless discharge of live rounds that undoubtedly rain chaos upon the once peaceful restaurant.
DRAMA — C’mon, he probably thinks it’s at least a little cool.
EMPATHY — It’s not, man.
RHETORIC — Let’s get back to the list. What else can we talk about?
YOU — “Tell me a secret about yourself.”
KIM KITSURAGI — He sighs. “This again?”
YOU — “You know it.”
KIM KITSURAGI — He pauses for a moment. “No.”
YOU — “Aww, come on.”
KIM KITSURAGI — He raises one eyebrow.
AUTHORITY — Oh god, we have full capacity brow-raising. I repeat, full capacity!
KIM KITSURAGI — His brow lowers slightly, offering a challenge. “You’re terrible at keeping secrets. Maybe if you can think of a single piece of personal trivia you haven’t already divulged entirely unprompted to any random passerby, we can come back to this topic.”
ESPRIT DE CORPS — He does not believe that his terms can be met. He is secure in that.
SUGGESTION — Challenge accepted!
YOU — “Deal.”
DRAMA — You’re gonna need to work on this for like, at least 8 hours probably. Maybe more like 20.
WAITRESS — The same woman reappears with a tray in hand, radiating the unmistakable smell of hot, fresh breakfast. “Here you are, sirs!” She gently slides the plates in front of each of you. “Let me know if there’s anything else you need! Enjoy your food!”
PERCEPTION — You notice the name on her apron: Denice.
YOU — “Thanks, Denice.”
WAITRESS — She offers a polite smile before leaving.
You immediately start digging in, shoveling the mixed bits of potato, egg, bacon, and cheese into your mouth, savoring the salt and fat of a hearty breakfast. It’s your favorite meal, but you don’t always have the time or energy to get anything decent most mornings.
SUGGESTION — Hey, I just had a great idea! Offer Kim some of this shit.
YOU — You finish the bite you have in your mouth quickly. “Hey, Kim, you wanna try some of mine?”
KIM KITSURAGI — He blinks. “No, thank you. I’ve got plenty here.” He looks down at the colossal waffle on his plate, barely dented.
YOU — “Yeah but this is like, stupid good. I’ll even let you have some egg yolk.”
KIM KITSURAGI — “Very generous of you.” He smirks, then studies your plate for a moment. “Hm… sure, why not.”
You slide your plate a bit closer to him. He holds his fork up, surveying for the ideal sample size. Then, he strikes, claiming an entire egg for himself.
YOU — “Woooow.” You feign offence.
KIM KITSURAGI — “Sorry, detective. I’ll need to confiscate this. I believe it may be connected to a case I’m working on.” He tries to keep a straight face but the corner of his mouth is slightly turned upwards. In seconds, he files the evidence into his mouth and promptly destroys it.
YOU — “Can’t believe the corruption I am witnessing here.” In a counter-attack, you jab your fork into one of the untouched corners of the lieutenant’s waffle.
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant stabs his knife down across from your fork, as if ready to engage in combat. He stares you down, brows furrowed with the illusion of authority. “Detective, I would tread carefully if I were you. You have entered enemy territory, and I have the high ground.”
PERCEPTION — You can feel your face turning red in the heat of the incredibly stupid breakfast battle you have entered.
AUTHORITY — Do it! Let loose the dogs of war! Get that fucking waffle!
KIM KITSURAGI — The lieutenant narrows his eyes at you, his concentration unwavering. The authority levels are building in his brow. They are charged to 50% capacity.
DRAMA — I have an idea, sire.
YOU — You relax back in your seat, looking behind Kim. “Oh, hey Captain Pryce, here to enjoy the best breakfast in Central Jamrock?”
KIM KITSURAGI — He quickly turns his head to look behind him.
SAVOIR FAIRE — In an instant, you slice a corner of the waffle free from Kim’s plate, casually sliding it onto yours.
KIM KITSURAGI — Realizing the feint, he snaps his attention back to you, glaring.
YOU — You pull your plate back, then pick up your mug, gesturing towards the lieutenant with a slight smirk. “Truce?”
KIM KITSURAGI — Studying you for a moment, he reluctantly picks up his mug and clinks it against yours. “For now.”
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Lute’s 200 follower prompt list
(All based on song lyrics by Keaton Henson, amalgamated by yours truly)
Angst
1. Sweetheart, what have you done to us?
2. I’m sorry I broke it, never forgive me.
3. Tire of me if you will my dear, but I will not tire of you.
4. She broke my head, it’s been four years and this does not end.
5. If you must die, die knowing your life was my life’s best part.
6. I’m just as damn disappointed as you only I just do better to hide it.
7. I’m truly alone and I like it.
8. How can you sleep knowing, that you’d be much better off there with him.
9. This has been the best of me, I hope you end up missing me.
10. They’ll die or leave you either way.
11. ‘Did you love me like the way you wrote?’ ‘I’m afraid so.’
12. How could I have known you were the air I breathe if I don’t believe in love?
13. What is good lust but love without trust?
14. I’m amazed that you ever loved me.
15. She left him and he left everything.
16. Teach me how to love you like I wrote and say it like I mean it when I don’t
17. I’m a tough luck friend and I reckon she’ll stay with me ‘til the end. It means more than I pretend.
18. Is it love you regret?
19. Darling, your eyes are so still when you speak. Do they weep?
20. Please don’t cry or say goodbye.
21. Now that you’re all I have, is it fair to love me too?
22. Do you wake up lonely everyday?
23. Let’s just have this fight today, say I’m worthless and I feel betrayed.
24. Don’t leave I’ve got more to say.
25. You know one day there’ll be hell to pay.
26. Please don’t be home late.
27. I’ll be right here if you need a failure, my love.
28. And I’ll be the place you hate.
29. How can you fail me now that I’m here on the ground?
30. Tell me I’m worthy of something. Love at least.
31. I still don’t cry, I’ve been meaning to.
32. I’m hoping I don’t die after you.
33. I still need to be loved.
34. You’re enough.
35. I’m frightened to death you’ll forget. Don’t forget me.
36. She seems disappointed, when I say that I’m not happy yet.
37. When I say do you love me, say you don’t know.
38. Just don’t leave me, baby stay here.
39. I just can’t bear to be apart.
40. Be near me lover, and be another that I can’t please,
41. I’ve been so lonely.
42. How could you allow me to love you? How cruel a thing.
43. If you’d only come back now, I’d not let you down again.
44. I guess I could have been, a better man.
45. I seek comfort in being alone.
46. Does he know, not to talk about your dad?
47. Do you notice when you’re sad?
48. I don’t feel well, can’t you tell?
49. Please forget me, you were right dear.
50. Though I’ll miss you lover, I am weak and therefore fold.
51. This is love, this is hell, this sweet plague that follows me.
52. I feel love, I feel alone.
53. I just wish you would come home.
54. There’s no one else. I loved you more than I love myself.
55. I see pictures now of you two and it makes me sick.
56. Teach me how to hold you in my arms, without squeezing too damn tight and causing harm.
57. Give me lessons in your ways, but don’t expect me to change.
58. I never loved you enough.
59. Please do not hurt me love, I am a fragile one.
60. As we lie in bed I feel lonely.
61. I some ways I feel I do love you, babe I’m not in love with you.
62. I found her but now she is gone.
63. I was better where, I was miserable why didn’t you leave me there?
64. I love you, please don’t go.
65. Is this all that you can give me back?
66. If you’ve no more to say than that, oh well I’ll be leaving and I won’t come back.
67. You think you’re better than them, but they don’t have to pretend.
68. Believe me, this loneliness won’t go away.
69. I’m just getting started let me offend.
70. All I want is to be left alone.
71. Can you see, they feed you lies thus keeping you weak.
72. Leave me, my heart is dead for all to see.
73. Please just come here, don’t fight with me.
74. Don’t call me lover, it’s not enough.
75. After all you’ve put me through, this one’s for you.
76. I’m in bad love. Don’t feel sad love.
77. I love you, but I worry about letting you leave.
78. It leaves me pretty good at pretending I’m fine.
79. I’m saving you up, all for the day you leave.
80. I know it’s ending.
81. Speak up, I’m losing you.
82. Hate me to death if you must.
83. Am I waiting to lose you?
84. I’m just so fucking sorry that you’re afraid.
85. I’ve tried so long not to cry that I don’t know if I can when you die, But I’m sure as damn hell gonna try.
86. I’m afraid to let myself be frightened.
87. I’ll play until my fingers bleed just to get you out of me.
88. I’m afraid.
89. One day you’ll thank the lord I didn’t stay.
90. Bury it all down underneath, it’s unhealthy but it sure keeps all the pain out.
91. I’m so damn scared of dying without you.
92. I see the dark things you all try to hide.
93. I won’t give up, not until I’m holding you.
94. Don’t let go of my hand.
95. Your love’s leaving me loveless.
96. I won’t leave here until I’m back with you.
97. Please don’t let me sleep.
98. We can’t pretend that I’m just like him.
99. Lead me on, I just something to stop me from jumping the gun.
100. I’m not coming back without you.
101. I’d write you a song if you’d just break my heart.
102. I’m a sick kind of lover and I’m cruel to myself.
103. I’m a writer who’s nothing if he’s not in hell.
104. Mistreat me and put me through hell.
105. If I die before I reach you, please know I meant to love you until I did.
106. Tell my friends goodbye.
107. I loved her, and left her too soon.
108. I’m scared that you’ll know what to do if I die before you.
109. I didn’t dare earn their respect.
110. If I’m to die before I hold you, know my arms were the worse off for it.
111. I’m tired of feeling alone.
112. Please tell me how to let go.
113. Your book will end just fine, but I’m a different story.
114. When I get tired and eventually leave, I’ll get back on the road and leave you in peace.
115. I’m just hoping I wont miss you today.
116. It hurts more with every breath.
117. I’m all used, so there’ll be nothing left for you.
118. I am alone and I need you to be kind.
119. Do you have time to tell me pretty lies?
120. Maybe I didn’t treat you quite as good as I could have.
121.I didn’t love you as often as I could.
122. There are things I should have said and done, I just never took the time.
123. I made you feel second best.
124. I’m so sorry, I was blind.
125. Please don’t walk away.
Fluff
126. You love is the thing that I need to remind me I’m living.
127. I know that it’s hard for you to tell me the truth, but while we are doing so (name) I love you.
128. Miss you terribly already.
129. I still worry more about you.
130. You are infinitely interesting to me.
131. It was so unexpected, my heart’s unprotected.
132. I’m so thankful for the way you look at me.
133. You don’t like to be touched, let alone kissed. Does he know where your lips begin.
134. I wish I had the guts to say, you look the best today.
135. I’ll love you, if I don’t have to.
136. Why did she finally leave? Cause all you think of is me.
137. Despite the bad moods she never goes away.
138. I know every mark on your hand.
139. Come on baby, make me fall in love with you.
140. Would it be so bad?
141. I woke to find your tired arms around me.
142. I’ve still got songs in me yet.
143. Love, take it easy on me. I’m older now and I long to be twenty-three.
144. I’ll allow, my heart to get over you now.
145. I’ll be fine, and you’ll be alright.
146. You know me, I worry.
147. Can I get lost in you?
148. I haven’t many words to say, I thought about you everyday.
149. I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine.
150. I’ll be your brother, I’ll be your lover. What do you need?
151. You’re the one that I love the most.
152. Love, I feel you know me better than most.
153. In spite of real distance we’ll always be close.
154. Something my soul needs, is you lying next to me.
155. Damn, I love you.
156. I’d kill just to watch as you’re sleeping.
157. Damn it, I’m calling you mine.
158. Work to leave some part of you on this earth.
159. Just live.
160. You’re kind and you’re beautiful too.
161. You seem to look through me, I wonder what you see.
162. I figure you love to read, don’t look for the fault, like me.
163. I wish I could wake at dawn, to see you without makeup on.
164. I feel I know your smile, like I saw it when I was a child.
165. I’d give you all I have.
166. I got addicted to us.
167. I wanna love you while I can.
168. I want to live with you until I die.
169. We’ll miss you to death when you go.
170. It seems like yesterday, you took my breath away.
171. Must you be leaving so soon?
172. I know you’re sad, sweetheart, but it will pass.
173. She was dear to you, so you cannot be blamed for feeling low.
174. If I could fix it then I would.
175. Come here, give me time to let you in.
176. I’m hoping you fall into me.
177. Here’s to us.
178. I would walk all the miles if you’d play your part.
179. Just love me and hold me, and then let me be.
180. I would love you forever.
181. Would you love me and leave me with something to write?
182. I would love you with all of my heart if I could.
183. I hope to be holding you soon.
184. I feel like I’m just what you need.
185. I don’t let anyone in, but I can’t help but let this begin.
186. You seem happy. I can tell.
187. Love, I know you’ll be alright.
188. I know I’m a mess and I love most people less.
189. They don’t love you like I love you.
190. Hold me tight in your arms.
191. Give me glimmers of hope.
192. Let me lay in your bed, talk of things you don’t know.
193. Just don’t fall for me.
194. I’m born everyday just to love you.
195. I was as far as I could be when I fell.
196. I’m looking for a lover who doesn’t need truth.
197. I need you.
198. Like the thickest moss, you grew on me.
199. It’s the worst parts of you I admire.
200. I have fought battles with nothing but words.
201. Tell me you’ll be mine.
203. How hard I’ve tried, love.
204. You were always on my mind.
205. I’m so happy that you’re mine.
206. Tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died.
207. Give me one more chance to keep you.
208. Visit me everyday.
Hurt/Comfort
209. I think I love you, please don’t be afraid of me.
210. I won’t sing ‘til you know me
211. Here’s to you you miserable fuck.
212. I’ve been thinking of leaving,
213. I’m gonna fuck all my plans.
214. I’m hoping I don’t die after you.
215. It is love, but I fear it won’t do.
216. Tell me what you want from me.
217. Was it really that worth writing about?
218. It’s a goddamn shame that you’re not here with me.
219. It won’t be long ‘til you know my songs, then you’ll know and you’ll come back.
220. How am I expected to behave, when I’m alone with myself everyday.
221. There’s a whole lot of nothing to me.
222. Please don’t wait up for me.
223. I’m afraid that’s lost on me.
224. I’ll write until there’s nothing left of me.
225. I’ll cry for help when I need it, thanks.
226. Are you still listening?
227. It may not just be tomorrow, it may be the rest of your life.
228. I’m deep undercover, i don’t look like me.
229. I win when you lose.
230. Darling, you’ve been my greatest defeat.
231. We cling with desperate fingers onto life.
232. I was starting on hoping you’d stay.
233. I don’t want to be the best.
234. I’m going to live if it kills me.
235. The world is unfair and it will not change.
236. I won't be the damndest bit fucking surprised.
237. The distance won’t comfort me for long.
238. Please don’t look at me.
239. How is the sex, love? I hope it’s the best part of him.
240. I struggle with stages and can’t take bad reviews.
241. I didn’t hold you all those long and lonely times.
242. I guess I never told you.
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Void of Extinction by GleefullyCaptainSwan
Chapter 1/9
Read on AO3: | Chapter 1
Or on FF
Stacy's Tortured Crew: @teamhook @kmomof4 @stahlop @lfh1226-linda @ilovemesomekillianjones @itsfabianadocarmo @mariakov81 @qualitycoffeethings @zaharadessert @jrob64 @jonesfandomfanatic @natascha-ronin @tiganasummertree @xarandomdreamx @therooksshiningknight @batana54 @superchocovian @onceratheart18 @ultraluckycatnd @snowbellewells @karlyfr13s @the-darkdragonfly @xsajx @deckerstarblanche
Chapter 1: There is Nothing to Fear
Storybrooke Maine, 2052. The world is slowly dying from a plague, only known as J2, that is spreading across the realms, a disease that has no cure. A faction known as “The Rebellion” have moved underground to search for a cure while avoiding detection from “The Hive”, a dangerous group run by an unidentified man of darkness searching for power. The only thing standing in the way of either group taking power is Mayor Regina Mills, who spends her time protecting the residents of Storybrooke from criminals who might bring the plague to her small town. The most dangerous occupants, those deemed most likely to bring the plague to town, are given a new opportunity, a chance for a new life, without being a danger to society, courtesy of the Gold Collective.
The pain was tortuously blinding as he tried to open his eyes. It was a feeling of waking from an all-night bender he couldn’t even remember attending. Peering through slits, his room came into view, blue neon lit behind the monitor on his wall. “Status Report.” He spoke, a gritty tone leaving his throat.
“Good morning James, it’s 7:53 am, pollution level 63%, you have no appointments today.” The pleasant robotic voice carried throughout the room. Something felt wrong, like a small itch at the back of his brain, a light tick that was calling out to him, telling him to pay attention.
He stood from his bed, the silk sheets falling to the ground behind him as he wandered through the apartment. “Open blinds.” He spoke and the metal slats hummed as they opened fully, revealing the land in front of him, dark smoke clouds on the horizon behind the mountains. Storybrooke, the only home he had ever known. He sighed; he was going to be late. He was halfway to the bathroom before he stopped in his tracks.
What the bloody hell was he about to be late for?
“What time do I have to be at work?” he said loudly.
“You are expected at 8:30am. Shall I prepare transport?”
He groaned, “Sure, but where is my destination?”
“Granny’s Diner, Main Street, Storybrooke.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose, a headache taking form at the back of his neck. “Granny’s.” He mumbled. Short memories, like a picture show, formed in his head, an older woman barking orders at him as he cooked burgers in the back of the small diner. He was a cook. He wasn’t sure why that felt odd to him, like something was out of place. He didn’t have time to contemplate the decisions he made in his life. He was going to be late for work.
The quick shower didn’t erase the feelings, images he didn’t recognize were imprinted in his subconscious every time he closed his eyes. A woman with hair, a light pale yellow, eyes green as grass staring at him. He couldn’t place the image, some celebrity perhaps he had seen in a movie. He shut off the water, running the towel through his hair as he tried to rub the sleep from his brain.
He dressed and left his apartment, sliding the locks shut with a slam, cranking the large metal door handle to the right to ensure it was locked. He glanced down the darkened hallway at the few people meandering about, the lot of which always appeared to be lurking, watching for unsuspecting individuals who left their belongings unprotected.
“You’re late.” The woman growled as soon as he entered the back of the diner.
“I’m sorry, Granny. In my defense, I forgot I had…” He thought about his sentence. What did he forget exactly? That he had a job, that he was a cook, why he had even woken up at the time he did, dreaming about a woman he had never met, “to work this early.” He finished.
“I’ve had to tell you the same thing since you started working here, it would do you some good to have your AIM set a damn alarm before you go to bed.”
Killian had alerted his AIM or Artificial Intelligence Monitorto set a 7am alarm, yet it failed to alert him to his shift for the last few weeks. He would need to have it repaired if this continued.
“Yes Ma’am, apologizes.”
“Just get to work, we got people waiting.”
James pushed through his shift, flipping burgers, cracking eggs, and sending out plates of food he had no memory of knowing how to cook. He wondered to himself how he ended up with this life, when had he decided that this was the best job he could find? Each time he tried to imagine another career, something that he might actually enjoy doing, the migraine would hit him out of nowhere, crippling him until the inhibitor was injected into his arm and his breathing returned to normal.
Whatever plagued him, this medical condition that brought him to his knees had always been with him from what he could remember. He assumed that it had begun when he was a child, it was second nature for him to know to inject himself once the pain hit. Yet he couldn’t remember when it began.
He climbed the stairs to his apartment at the end of the day, entering his room and locking it down behind him. “Set alarm for 7am.” He said once he sat his keys on the counter.
“Alarm set. 7am.”
He went about the mundane task of preparing his dinner, watching the Holo TV, news that the plague had spread to the outer banks was on every station. Mayor Mills calmed the crowd during her press conference and on each holo announcement that played every 15 mins.
“People of Storybrooke, I give you my assurance that the plague will not breach our walls. We have taken every measure possible to protect our citizens. We continue to fight back the resistance uprising, and our law enforcement continues to arrest any faction that supports it. There is nothing to fear.”
Mayor Regina Mills stood in the center of the screen, flanked by her officers on either side. She was fierce, strong, and protected the town of Storybrooke with honor.
“Turn off Holo TV.” He announced, setting his dishes in the machine for cleaning.
He crawled into bed, pulling the covers over his hips. “What time is the alarm set for?” He asked, ensuring that everything was still working.
“Alarm is set for 7am, James. Sleep well.”
~*~
Emma woke to the sound of crying. She jumped up from her spot and reached for her son, pulling him against her chest. “Hush now Henry, mommy’s got you.” Pressing her child to her breast she felt the tug against her nipple as her son quieted. She smiled down at the infant in her arms, her heart aching as she watched him so still against her, as if nothing in the world mattered but his own nourishment.
Emma wished her view of the world were as innocent. But she knew better.
She looked around the dark shack she had been hiding in for the last few weeks. She could hear the water on the other end of the door, just on the outskirts of the town line. It would be dangerous if anyone were to find her. She had given up everything to get away from Neal Cassidy. Her safety, comfort, even her future was all gone the instant she escaped the tower that had been her home for the last five years.
Emma knew it was dangerous being outside the protective walls of Storybrooke, those who had been exiled lived on the outskirts, many would not escape the plague once they lost the protections provided behind the walls. Emma knew it all too well, five years ago when the plague first appeared, she had taken ill, she was expected to die quickly, painfully. But after a month, the symptoms subsided, and Emma survived.
Doctors could not explain why she survived, only that she had been very lucky.
And then she met Neal. She thought she had finally found someone to share her life with. She was taken in by his father, Gold, a man obsessed with finding the cure to the plague.
His company, The Gold Collective had invested in experimenting on anyone who had come down with the plague, valiantly searching for a cure, the perfect gene sample that would save humanity, but his efforts had been fruitless as most of his subjects died before he had completed his experiments.
Emma found him to be odd, even a bit intimidating at times. His obsession with the plague caused her to keep her own situation quiet. She had a feeling if he had known that she had somehow lived through the plague that his interest in her might become more than just the father of the man she lived with.
Gold took care of her, as Neal’s girlfriend, he ensured that she had everything she could ever want. And Neal provided her money, food, and a roof over her head. Something she didn’t have before she had met him, back when she was homeless, trying to find her place in Storybrooke. Neal took her in and loved her.
But all of that changed a little over a year ago. Emma wasn’t snooping, she hadn’t meant to be in the office after hours, but Neal had not returned home that evening, and Emma had been worried. So, she left the penthouse suite of Gold Laboratories and headed to Neal’s office. Before she even reached his wing, she heard arguing.
The conversation between Gold and his son was chilling. She knew she needed help. She didn’t want to cause alarm or alert either of the men to the knowledge she had overheard them, had realized who the Gold Collective really was, so instead she waited out her time. A week passed before she found her mark, a police detective whom she had followed for days. He lived a quiet life, devoted to his job, going between his apartment downtown and his job at the station, never deviating from his day. He always arrived at work at 10:02am for a 10:30 shift. He had lunch with his partner at 12:45, he picked up Chinese food at 9:00pm before returning to his apartment. She had watched him assisting his elderly neighbor up the stairs and she knew this was the man she needed to trust.
Officer Killian Jones didn’t know what to make of her when she showed up at his door at midnight one night. Begging to talk to him, asking for discretion as she tried to determine if he trusted her. When he learned of the knowledge she had, he panicked. He sent her home that evening, telling her to wait a week before she reached out to him again.
It took a month, Emma would arrive at his apartment, they would talk about their plans, share intel on what they had each learned, and suddenly, knowing he was the one person she could trust, feeling like for the first time in her life, someone understood and truly cared about her, she fell for the man.
He tried to deny her, not wanting to take advantage of her trust. But they were in love. There was no denying it. The affair was something that neither one of them had the power to stop. Emma would spend her evenings with Killian, staring at the stars talking about what the future held for them once they were able to figure out a way to stop everything that was happening around them.
But she always returned to Neal, she had no choice but to keep up the ruse in order to protect the secret she had. Too many powerful people were involved for her to alert anyone else. Killian didn’t even trust his partner David enough to share the information.
Suddenly Neal became protective of her, asking her where she was going anytime she left the apartment, so Emma had to distance herself from Killian. It had been a month since they had been in contact when Emma received devastating news. She and Neal were having a baby. It broke her heart. When she finally told Killian, he urged her to escape before the child was born. Once Neal had a child, he would never let her leave.
Emma knew he was right, unfortunately by the time she planned her escape, the child was born a prematurely. She was trapped. Killian became concerned for her safety now that a child was involved, and Emma was forced to share her secret with her childhood friend, Will Scarlett. He sprang into action, becoming the go between for Emma and Killian to set their plan in motion for Emma and Henry to escape.
That night, she met Will on the roof, and they made their daring escape, 65 flights of stairs down the back of the building. They waited for hours at the drop off point, but Killian never showed. Emma was devastated, she felt trapped. Will went in search of him, he wasn’t at his apartment, the station, or any of his usual locations. Killian was gone without a trace.
She knew that something bad had happened to him. He would never abandon her. She trusted him. The only solution she could come up with was that Gold or Neal had found out about their plan.
Killian was in danger, unless something bad had already happened to him. She was desperate to find him. Without Killian Jones, the entire town was in danger.
“Are you decent?” Will’s voice rang out from the other side of the door. She pulled her shirt over her breast, setting her sleeping son beside her.
She stood up and looked through the crack in the door. Will was standing nervously on the edge of the water. She clicked the locks, lifting the wooden latch until the door slid open. Will stepped quickly into the shack.
“You ok?”
“Did you find anything?” She asked anxiously.
“Maybe.”
Emma stared at him with pleading eyes. “What do you mean maybe?”
“Look, don’t freak out, ok?”
“You’re scaring me.” She responded nervously.
“I drove by the station again, nothing. David is there but Killian wasn’t around. I didn’t want to go in, because I figure they might start asking questions, but there was this girl sitting outside and I asked who I could talk to about a case of Killian’s, and I used me ole charm and she told me that he never came back to work a few days ago, and that they opened a missing persons case on him.”
“Oh God, Will.”
“I said don’t freak out.”
“This is terrible. They killed him, didn’t they?”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself, I haven’t told you everything yet.” He pleaded as she paced the room. “Anyway, I went by his apartment, and it was empty. The neighbor says they haven’t seen him for days.” She started to speak, and he pressed his hand to her mouth. “Emmie, I need you to be quiet, I know that’s hard for you.”
She groaned against his finger and mumbled. “Fine.”
“I got hungry as I usually do about this time and got a craving for a big greasy burger.”
“Seriously, you wanted me to be quiet so you could talk about food? I’m losing my patience, Scarlet.”
“The burger was excellent by the way, but that’s not the point.” He paused. “I went back to my car, and there was a man out back tossing out some trash.”
“Would you get to the damn point!” She yelled.
“It was Killian.”
“What?”
“The guy out back. Spitting image of him.”
“Did you talk to him, ask him what the hell is going on?”
“I talked to him, but he acted like he’d never seen me in his life. Swears his name is James Rogers. Emmie, it was the damnedest thing I’ve ever seen. But I tried, I even called him Killian Jones and he stared straight through me…” He dropped his head. “And then he thought about it, I could see the wheels turning in his head, and then he started wincing, and that’s when I saw it.”
“Saw what?” Emma asked impatiently, dreading the fact that she could already feel it in her gut, she knew what he was going to tell her, every sensor in her brain was going off that she already knew the truth.
“An inhibitor. The man injected himself with one of Gold’s inhibitors.”
Emma felt the tears forming, she knew it was the truth. It made sense, he would never have abandoned her or Henry. The only explanation was that Gold or Neal had found out what she was planning to do and got to Killian first. “They erased him.” She said sadly, feeling every last bit of hope she had draining from her being.
“Emmie, he’s one of the void. There’s no way back from that.”
“Don’t say that, we don’t know that. It’s all experimental, it’s not even legal. Gold’s been doing it for years on test subjects. Killian can fight it; I know he can. He’s too strong.”
“Emmie, he had no idea, absolutely no idea of who I was.”
“It doesn’t matter, Will. We must keep trying. Maybe the inhibitor just suppresses his memories. We have to get him not to use it.”
“For all we know, not using it could cause his brain to explode. It’s dangerous.”
“I won’t give up on him Will. I can’t lose him.”
He pulled her into his arms, rubbing her back in slow circles as she cried. “It’s gonna be ok, we’ll figure it out.”
“What are we going to do, Will? Without Killian, I’ll never get into the station to upload the information.”
“We’ll find a way. That’s what we do right?”
She smiled weakly. She wouldn’t give up on him, he risked so much to try and protect her and another man’s child. He had given her hope when she had none. She would never stop trying to get him back. Even if it killed her, she would save Killian Jones and take down the Gold empire.
#void of extinction#stacy's fics#killian jones#emma swan#captain swan#captain swan au#captain swan fics#captain swan modern au
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DIE PERSONAL INTERVIEW SPECIAL HEADBANG VOL.27 TRANSLATION 2/2
Sometimes delicate, sometimes rough, sometimes you are dazzled by his splendid playing. The red guitarist has reached Dir en grey’s unique mark.
“I used to hit the guitar a lot. I wasn’t happy so I would lose my temper soon“
“This is everything I am. This is my axis”
“If I were a metal guitarist, Dir en grey music would have been closer to metal”
“Jonathan Davis from KORN said, ‘I like the melody of the chorus’ and sang ‘Saku’ in front of me."
Notes before reading: This is the second part of personal interview of Die from the magazine Headbang Vol.27 released on 18th August. The interview is 11 pages long, this part covers the last 5 pages. The second part is focused his experiences overseas and his roots as guitarist.
You can get the magazine at Amazon Japan or CDJapan.
Feel free to correct me if you spot any mistake or any confusing parts.
Links or credits to this post when the content is reposted or captured in other SNS is appreciated :)
------
Text by: Yohsuke Hayakawa
(First part)
-So, as you said, I feel that Dir en grey at that time was in a rough and emotionless moment.
D: Yes, it was like that. Even if I was standing on the stage, it was more about how could I raise my own mood/tension rather than doing it for the fans who came to see us, so if I was in a bad mood, I would stay in a bad mood. But well, at that time, we were playing with that kind of mood/atmosphere: if you don’t like this, then you shouldn’t come to see us.
-If it’s a festival focused on overseas bands like 'Taste of chaos’, as some people in the audience didn’t know Dir en grey, did that that feeling of irritation come to the forefront?
D: Rather than……at that time, I knew about other bands only by name, but honestly, I was wondering “What the hell is everyone clapping for?”. It looked more like buttering up the audience. It was like “Ah, this is so shallow”. But there are a quite things that I can reflect on now. There were times when I wasn’t kind to the fans.
-That was also reflected on the changes of your music style?
D: That’s it. Back then, it was all about playing guitar. I thought it was pointless if I didn’t shake the guitar off all the way. That’s why I barely listen to the sound of the other members when we were playing live. Things like, matching the rhythm of the drums. This was something that the staff would sometimes point out to me. “Listen to what the others are playing, keep the rhythm more”, things like that.
-At that time, when they told you that, what did you say?
D: I said “Oh, yes” and I tried to do what I was asked to do, but once the live started I was like “Waa, let’s go” (laughs) It was good and bad, isn’t it?
-So, when you listen to 'Clever Sleazoid, do you remember those days?
D: Yes. It was around the time we started playing at Shinkiba (Studio coast), so the image of Shinkiba's lives is very present. Later, we started going abroad, so it really was a time in which the band started to change again. Well, there are many things to reflect on. I used to hit the guitar a lot. I wasn’t happy so I would lose my temper soon. As I made a lot of mistakes during a live, I would be like “what the hell are you doing?”, it’s like being crazy like that would be part of my attitude. I piled the anger up more and more, and when I noticed; I already threw the guitar away. Then, I was like “This is broken” (the guitar).
- Don’t make the musical instrument makers cry….
D: Well, at that time, it was more like I felt sorry for doing it. It's a little off topic, but I went to the ESP factory for the first time this year. So, if you see the process of making guitars from the scratch, after that, you'll never throw a guitar. Everyone was there making them from the scratch so carefully, it’s different than seeing the final result.
-So, it was like “I can’t treat my guitars like that”.
D: Throwing them it’s not ok.
-(Laughs)
D: That's why I think "Clever Sleazoid" was done when the band was at the last minute, when the band was at that changing period. Maybe…. somehow, it was like a routine for us to make songs, release albums, and touring. Of course, each of them is important, but when it comes to tours, there were a lot of them, so somewhere we got used to that. It was something like that. Especially when I think about it now, I strongly feel that it wasn’t reasonable. At that time, we were touring as a matter of course, fans came to see us as a matter of course and you could say that the things we were doing at that moment were a luxury/privilege.
-You are for sure fully realizing that it was like that.
D: That’s right. I was doing everything based on my emotions and I showed a lot of my shameful side.
-I think that such ups and downs are also what embodies a band called DIR EN GREY that is directly linked to emotions.
D: Hahaha, is that so? Really, I remember the good things and the bad as well from that period. I think the way the members perceive things has changed a lot in the last 15 years.
- But at that time, hearing the impression of overseas bands that you had at that time(laughs).
D: We were going to festivals at that time, right? And everyone was there asking for the applause so to me it was like “what the…?”. I wondered why they didn’t aim to be cooler on stage instead of that. I thought it was because it was a festival, and everyone was excited. Like, “move more like this”, “show yourself more in that position”, “more around like that” ….it was like that at that moment.
-There was also a boom in screamo and post-hardcore bands.
D: Yes. So, as we were going abroad, we experienced several things as a band. I went overseas with that unsatisfactory feeling because we would be part of festivals and I really felt that we couldn’t pass through the world with the feelings of our live.
“The challenge was what kind of live performance we were going to do in front of Deftones’ fans”
-Did you change your mind by the time you were part of KORN's "Family Values Tour" in 2006?
D: The change was around that time…. however, it wasn't even at that exact moment. I feel like we were still playing only focusing on ourselves and we didn’t look around us. However, people who liked us would come to see us, so a new perspective was born. If we haven’t gone abroad as we wouldn’t have seen things from that angle, we probably wouldn’t have changed. If we've kept always playing just in front of fans who liked us, I honestly think that I might have been playing more and more just to satisfy myself.
-I wonder if Dir en grey would be as strong as it is now without that experience.
D: I don't think so. We were part of a festival in Germany and people threw stuff at us…. That things like that happened to us…. I think it’s good we had that kind of experiences.
-The sharp/bitter feeling of that moment is different now. Currently, I feel that this made your core stonger.
D: Well, when you think about the concerts you did in the past, the feeling is different. In the past, I was in a band, but it felt more like "It’s because I can't do it alone". It was like each member has to do it (their part) but now, in order to sound as a band, it is necessary to listen to the members and make the sound. It’s I am 1/5 of that. Otherwise, it won't reach the fans. I don't care if my energy goes up there. It’s a chance to create a unified sound or to stand out as an individual. After all, the sound becomes messy even if only one person rushes, and I think you have to play consciously so that a unified sound can be produced. So now, what I want from a live performance has changed. Probably because I experienced several things. However, even though I gained experience touring overseas, our live performances didn’t get mellow.
-Yes, that’s for sure. That's why several overseas bands were interested in DIR EN GREY.
D: For example, we toured with Deftones at the "Family Values Tour" and they watched us live, so they called us to be their support band for their next Deftones headline tour. We had the opportunity play in front of Deftones fans, and the challenge was what kind of live we were going to do. As expected, even there, the overseas staff told us, "Why don't you instigate the crowd?” “Do you want to be appealing more to the fans?" "Why don't you ask for more applause?" (Laughs)
-Again, the clapping (laughs)
D: That’s how the culture is over there, right? It was also a tour where the atmosphere/mood got really bad. For the whole month we were told to interact with the fans more. Even in places that weren’t related to the venue. I can communicate more with the overseas staff because I don’t have to speak English that much but they would told us things like ….“say hello”, “if the fans say something to you, say something back”…..
-Eh? Things like that?
D: We were pretending to be cool even when the fans were waiting. (laughs)
-Hahahaha
D: I couldn’t believe that the staff over there was telling us that. Things like “you have to be friendlier with the fans”. For us, it was like “Why are they telling us things like this? It’s awful”.
-You were the type of band that you wouldn’t see over there but I think that there were people interested in that atmosphere.
D: That might be true. Well, a lot of stuff happened.
“This is everything I am. This is my axis”
-Then, let's change the topic, let’s talk about the "20 albums that inspired you” you chose this time. Looking at the selection of Japanese music, there are many works where you can feel the taste of beat rock, punk, and rock and roll, but are these the roots of your flesh and blood?
D: That’s right…. there is no metal, right?
-That’s true.
D: If my musical roots were metal, there would be a lot of different albums so my play style would have been completely different. I also think that my guitar would be different and if I were a metal guitarist, Dir en grey would have been closer to metal music in a different way as well.
-There is a sense of balance in Dir en grey because your style comes from that position, isn’t there?
D: That might be why (our music) is not completely metal.
-Among the albums, you chose D'ERLANGER and BODY because their guitarist is CIPHER.
D: Well, this is everything I am. This is my axis. Regarding D’ERLANGER, I mentioned the album from their last live because that’s the one I heard the most. "LA VIE EN ROSE" (1989) and "BASILISK" (1990) were released as albums, weren’t they? But when it comes to live performances, the sound is totally different. The live album has a raw feel, it feels very alive, and the more I listen to it, the more elements I find out…. Like the flexibility of the strings, the picking is too strong and the sound is a little off, the phrase is different from the album or there is no sound….
-You are considerately listening to it in an intense way….
D: Yes. There is too much sense of being a real live in it, so I heard this the most.
-This degree of perfection is reflected in "D'ERLANGER TRIBUTE ALBUM ~ Stairway to Heaven~" announced in 2017 by D'ERLANGER. It was cool that you covered "EASY MAKE, EASY MARK" recorded in this live.
D: Including arrangements, CIPHER told me that he “felt a lot of love” in it (laughs)
-Like the live performance, while being full of love, the essence of DIR EN GREY is there too. That’s a good example of how to do a cover.
D: Certainly, when I was working on that cover, I felt like I was doing our own song.
-Next is CRAZE “That's life" (1996). A long time ago, I remember that you chose and covered the song “Kizu” at the FC limited live of DIR EN GREY in 2001
D: Ah, yes yes. I did “Kizu” and D'ERLANGER as well. How could I say this?.......in a few words, the best album.
-Especially at this era, the members had an edgy image, and their atmosphere was hard to approach.
D: That's right. The atmosphere was also cool, you don’t get used to it, the 4 wolfs (the members of CRAZE) personality is realistically reflected in the song. I felt like “Kizu” represented how I felt, and that passion and power was so real. It’s different than D’ERLANGER but CRAZE was also the coolest band for me. Then, didn’t I choose something from Ziggy as well?
-Yes, "KOOL KIZZ" (1990) which is also a good album. The famous song "DONT STOP BELIEVING" is also included in this work.
D: That's right. I knew ZIGGY before knowing D'ERLANGER, and I practise guitar copying them. So, if I hadn’t known D’ERLANGER, I would probably have become a rock and roll guitarist (laughs) Carrying a Les Paul guitar, playing rock and roll, with long hair with a little perm.
-Well, I’m not kidding when I say that would look good though.
"Jonathan Davis from KORN said, ‘I like the melody of the chorus’ and sang ‘Saku’ in front of me."
-On the other hand, Western music has an alternative atmosphere as a whole, when it comes to pop, there are many catchy songs. Furthermore, there are bands like Tool and System of a Down.
D: I think in that area, I was inspired by listening to these bands since I started doing DIR EN GREY. My interest in how make music, how the live sound was, and how the sound of the CD turned out, was also very big. Also, for example, when we were invited by KORN (Family Values Tour 2006), it was our first long tour abroad, and there were many things to absorb around us. It seems like we were struck by the American style and the style of overseas tours. It was a time when all sorts of things were stimulating.
-How did the members feel about the "Family Values Tour", as there were many things that you had to face for the first time?
D: Well….at first there were moments that it felt like “is this okay?”. We were the only Japanese band, and there were crazy bands like KORN, Deftones, and Stone Sour, and we're like in the middle of them. Besides, we’ve never done a live in a daily basis.
-Didn’t it make you feel confident to be part of that line up?
D: Well…. the feeling that we experienced several things is stronger. At the time, the internet wasn’t very good yet, so it made me feel homesick (laughs). The only way to get in contact with the people that was in Japan was by email. Even doing lives and going on tour with the frequency we did in Japan, I can’t even tell the distance we travelled through Japan. This tour was around the whole country, so the distances felt big. We had never left Japan for a month and a half, so I would say that overall, we did well. After all, this was the start of touring in America, wasn’t it?
-KORN made it easier for Dir en grey, right?
D: They made it really good for us. Jonathan (KORN’s vocalist) liked "Saku" very much and he told me "I like the melody of the chorus" and sang the melody in front of me.
-That’s amazing, that Jonathan Davis sings “Saku”!
D: Jonathan often watched our live performances and listened to our songs. I'm grateful for that.
-Besides that, Fair to Midland from USA and My Vitriol from the UK are also among your choices.
D: We toured together with Fair to Midland in 2007. When we did our first tour on our own, they went around with us as opening band. If I do something in another side project, their songs are so good that I want to do something like that. My Vitriol is a band influenced by My Bloody Valentine, I wonder why they don’t sell more, to me, they are in the same line that Fair to Midland. The chord work and the feeling of the melodies make the best combination. I've been wondering why they didn’t release a second one (album). Like, nothing at all (laughs). Then, in 2016 I didn’t know that it came out as it was released secretly*. It’s highly recommended. I can’t help but want to watch them live so much.
*In 2016, My Vitriol released their second studio album through a funding campaign at PledgeMusic ( online direct-to-fan music plattform).It was a limited released fanbase-only album, that’s why Die says it was released “secretly”.
“I felt like something is crawling inside me. I never had that feeling before”
-What is your impression of Tool?
D: We were together at a Polish festival in 2007, and despite being a festival, the live performance was perfect. It was like…. "Why does this sound like this?" That's why I couldn't move during the live performance. They nailed it from the beginning until the end. I was close to the PA table for a while, but it was too shocking. Not only the sound, but also the direction and the construction of the songs, they are all art. It's not like music anymore, it's like transcending everything…. It seems like I'm watching a movie, and I felt like something was crawling inside me, I never had that feeling before. Anyway, the live performance at that time was too amazing for me.
-If you want to make something like that, you will have to release an album every 5-6 years?
D: Hahaha! Wasn’t their latest work the first one in 13 years? I'm surprised (laughs).
-That’s right. One of the albums you chose is from System of a Down, but did you like them from the beginning?
D: Well, that’s what happened. It’s an indescribable style, but I think DIR EN GREY was also quite fierce in the past. There were times when riffs were not straightforward and "system-like”, flying as words among the members.
-Did that happen? It's a valuable story. Last but not least, what kind of expectations do you have for the future?
D: Honestly, when it comes to concerts, I guess under these circumstances we won’t be able to do any. We couldn’t finish the flow of “The Insulated World” and we had to move on to the next step, so we are going to start working on the album. All the tour scheduled are gone, right? So, we can work on it before we had planned it. I wish I can write songs, record them and be active in 2021…. that’s exactly what I want, what I couldn’t do in 2020. I would like to tour until I burn out.
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