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#but yeah its my first year and im kinda happier with it being online over irl anyway
dolla-dolla-yeah · 2 years
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Is anyone else gonna participate in the American Girl benefit sale? Whats everyone thinking of getting?
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formerprincess · 5 years
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A tale written with fangs and claws || Chapter 55
Chapters: 55/? Fandom: Teen Wolf (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken, Corey Bryant/Mason Hewitt Characters: Liam Dunbar, Theo Raeken, Mason Hewitt, Corey Bryant, Nolan (Teen Wolf) Additional Tags: Alpha Liam Dunbar, Slow Build, Friends to Lovers, Dunbar Pack, Bisexual Liam Dunbar, Werewolf Theo Raeken, Alpha Theo Raeken, Canon-Typical Violence, Smut, Mates, Liam and Theo are mates, Top Theo Raeken, Bottom Theo Raeken, Top Liam, Bottom Liam Dunbar Series: Part 1 of Morning Dew Pack
Now that Theo knows about the house he and Liam can mend their relationship. Happy times ensue.
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“Tell me again how you got the house.” Theo pressed a kiss on top of Liam’s hair and then leaned his forehead against his boyfriend’s temple. He had his arm wrapped around Liam’s shoulders while the couple cuddled in the backseat of the truck after their passionate encounter. Only dressed in boxers this was quite cozy, Liam had to admit. He chuckled. “Didn’t I tell you before?” “I was distracted by this awesome house. Don’t blame me for that. Next time you jump something like that on me, maybe plan this beforehand.” “I doubt there will ever be something as big as this.” “You could bring a kid in the relationship.” Theo shrugged. Liam was stunned. “I thought you didn’t want kids or were not sure about wanting at least.” Theo shrugged again and looked over to the house. “I’m still not sure but we have to fill all those rooms when everybody moves into their own places.” “But we don’t have to fill it with kids.” Liam shook his head and cuddled closer to Theo. “We have all the time in the world for that. For now, let us just enjoy the thought of moving into our new home soon.” Theo smiled softly. “It’s kinda funny. You know how everybody has this image about their future, how they want it to look, no matter how distorted that image might be. If I had to choose a house for my future, I would have picked a house like that, surrounded by nature and so very beautiful.” “You’re turning into a softy,” Liam mocked Theo but he meant it with all the love and respect in the world. Theo knew that and he just teasingly poked Liam into the ribs as retaliation. The Alpha yelped and slapped his mate’s hand away. “Also, I already brought a kid in this relationship. His name is Landon.” “Ah yes, the mini-version of you.” “He is not a mini-version of me.” “Oh, he is. You two are so much alike, it’s heartwarming to see.” “I just want the best for him and his future. If the works here are done, I want him to pick all the furniture he wants for his new room. He may live with Byron and Lana but he should know he also has a home here. And it will be a room suited for a child.” “A good plan,” Theo nodded and stroked over Liam’s arm. “Back to my original request, tell me the story, in full detail now. Don’t be shy.” “I searched online for all kind of realty and came across this agency. They are specialized in finishing houses the way the buyer wants and I liked their past projects so I contacted them. After a phone call and a visit to their office, they accepted me as their client and searched for houses with my preferences. Big gardens, enough rooms, not too luxurious. I didn’t want a mansion.” “Maybe I’d have wanted a mansion with a big pool,” Theo joked. “The house has a pool,” Liam dryly remarked and started to laugh when Theo looked absolutely flabbergasted. “I’m not kidding, there’s a pool in the garden. I have no idea how the original builders planned on doing the thing, seems they started with the fun things first.” He shrugged. “You mean to tell me, our new house has its own pool?” “And a whirlpool.” “And a what??” “Halfway done but it’s there and we decided not to waste the outlets.”
Theo narrowed his eyes at Liam. “How much did you play for this house?” “Let’s say it that way, the amount would have normally made me dizzy but it was not nearly as much as I feared it would be. I even could add some more money to the future fund and the everyday fund. Like I said, if the house would have been finished, it would have been expensive. But with so much work left to do, it was cheap. Cheap for everything you get, I mean.” “Anyway, you hired the agency to look for the perfect house - they did a remarkable job there - and they found you this? Then what?” “I got some information on the house and then I drove here to visit it with the agency lady. Told you about the feeling I had when I saw it. The more she showed me, the more I needed to buy this house. We made a project contract. I paid half of the price in advance, the other half will get payed after everything is done. Which reminds me: I bought this house for us. I want you to own it as much as I do. Wasn’t kidding when I said it’s our money.” “Yeah, I know.” Theo turned his head and kissed Liam’s temple. Liam let himself enjoy the caress for a while, then his stomach grumbled. “Have not eaten much in the morning and I’m starving. Aren’t you hungry?” “I am,” Theo confessed. “Something to eat sounds fine.”
****** They had decided on fries and now sat on the tailgate of the truck in the parking lot of the nearest fast food place a big serving of fries between them.  “When Sadie complained about you being picky, you already had this house, right?” Theo questioned and loaded a few fries with ketchup before guiding them to his mouth. Liam would forever question how his boyfriend managed that without dripping ketchup on his shirt. Even physics loved Theo, it was unbelievable.  “I am committed to surprises, what can I say?” Liam shrugged. “She later apologized for being overbearing. Mike seemingly told her in not so kind words how pretentious it was for assuming I am going to pay for everything. She didn’t mean to come off as leech but I said I’d pay for a new house. It was a part misunderstanding, part annoyance with the current situation. I was just glad to clear the air with her and Mike as well.” “You did pay for a new house, she just doesn’t know it yet.” He sighed. “I know, T.” Stuffing a few fries in his mouth, Liam chewed and considered what was still going to happen to the house. Still so much to do. “I just hope the workers finish fastly and we can move in as soon as possible,” he finally said after he swallowed.  “Liam, you did everything you could. Now we just have to wait as long as it takes. Compared to the thought of forever living on Isaac's couch, this is a piece of cake.”
Theo used a napkin to wipe his greasy fingers and looked around. “Such a pretty car,” he suddenly exclaimed and Liam curiously leaned forward to see what car his mate had spotted.  A beautiful black antique car, convertible hood pulled back because of the warm weather, stood at the stoplight and waited for the green light. It was brightly polished and Liam had no idea about cars but it looked in good condition. He glanced at Theo. “I wasn’t aware you’re into cars.” “I’m not.” The twenty-two-year-old shook his head. “But those cars are beauties and very impressive. I’d love to drive one of those.” “Well, why don’t you?” The looked Theo gave him bordered on scandalized. “Do you have any idea how expensive those cars are? Not so much the cars itself but all the parts. If you have such a car you either take extremely good care of it or you don’t care about it at all and that would be a total waste of money. But most parts are not even available commercially and you need a special merchant for it. Keep in mind those cars are not made for today’s time.” Okay, Liam had not known that. He hesitated. “I didn’t know that, no.” “Always happy to educate you.” Theo reached out, just to be an ass, and petted Liam’s hair. The smirk on his face quickly turned into a frown when Liam pushed him off the tailgate. He sat on the ground and glared at the young Alpha who just smirked himself and slipped off the tailgate. “I’m going to get a milkshake, want something too, honey?” “Don’t call me honey, I hate that nickname. It’s okay when your mother says it but I don’t need it from my partner. Strawberry.” “You want your new nickname to be strawberry?” Liam teased and giggled when Theo threw a napkin at him. The older had gotten to his feet again and was gathering the garbage from the tailgate. He threw it away while Liam went into the restaurant to order their shakes. 
He just had accepted the little cardboard tray with their order when his phone rang and Liam fumbled to open the door, not drop the tray, and pull his phone out of his pocket. “Hello?” “Hello Mr. Dunbar, this is Peyton Russo.” She was the interior manager responsible for the new house.  “Oh, hey, Mrs. Russo, what’s up?” “I’m just calling to inform you the white low couch you picked out is out of stock.” “That’s unfortunate.” Liam had picked the couch for the gallery and it had already been his second choice. He originally went for a dark blue one, exactly the shade of color Theo favorited, but it had been out of stock as well.  Theo curiously tilted his head when Liam now made his way over and Liam drew a tiny house in the air to make him realize what the call was about. Theo raised both eyebrows in acknowledgment and accepted the tray from him.  “But, here are the good news, I found another company who has almost the same couch and it is in the shade you wanted from the beginning. I sent you the pictures to your email, just give me a quick okay and I can pursue it.” “That is cool, thank you so much. I will check it out as soon as I can. Thank you, Mrs. Russo.” “It is my pleasure. I’ll keep you updated on the progress.” Liam hummed and she ended the call. When he pocketed his phone, he smiled at Theo and Theo laughed. “You’re happy!” “Hm, how could I not? Everything turns out exactly how I wanted it to be.” “That sounds perfect.” Theo handed Liam his banana shake and took a sip of his own. Liam watched him but made no move to drink himself. Theo frowned. He didn’t need to voice his question, the young Alpha already knew.  “The most perfect thing is I have you by my side. Roughly a year ago Maya asked if I was okay with her setting up a date for you and I told her we would never be more than friends. I was never happier about being wrong,” he explained. Theo took his sweet time swallowing his sip. “Instead of going on that date, I should have grabbed you and kiss you but I was scared. I was just as wrong as you.” Liam wrapped one arm around Theo and nuzzled his neck. “Glad we could turn it around,” he muttered against the skin and pressed his lips down. Theo sighed happily and his hand slipped in the back pocket of Liam’s jeans to squeeze his ass. 
****** Liam hummed to himself when he cut cucumber and stole some sliced to pluck into his mouth. After their visit to the fast-food place, Theo and he had taken a trip to the grocery store to buy food and now they were in Isaac’s kitchen and prepared dinner together. It was a rare occasion for the two of them to cook together but it was nice nonetheless. 
Theo stepped behind him and wrapped both arms around Liam. “Aren’t you supposed to cut tomatoes?” The young Alpha questioned teasingly but Theo just tightened his hold. “That can wait. This is more important.” He nuzzled Liam’s neck and kissed his shoulder. “I love you so much.” The pack wasn’t at home anyway so yes, food could wait. Liam wiped his hands off and leaned against Theo. “I love you too. This day, just us, was needed.” “You can say that. I hated this void between us. It was killing me.” He loosened his grip and Liam could turn around in the embrace to wrap both arms around his mate’s neck.  “Me too. But we made up and it’s all good now. Soon we can move into our new house, with our own room again. I am excited about that one.”
He kissed Theo, fingers momentarily tightened in his boyfriend’s hair, and Theo pressed closer to him. His lips parted when Theo nibbled on it and he used his hold in Theo’s hair to pull him even closer. His eyes had closed the moment their lips touched first but this was all instinct by now. Liam knew what he liked and what drove Theo wild, which spots o pay close attention to, where to grab or bite. And he trusted Theo so closing his eyes was never a problem, had not been a problem for years. The ex-chimera truly earned Liam’s trust and had never disappointed since he got it. 
Strong hands grabbed him by the thighs and lifted him up to sit him on the counter. Liam immediately wrapped his legs around Theo so his mate didn’t get the crazy idea of pulling away from him. With how easy it was, Theo followed willingly and leaned into the Alpha. His hands dipped under Liam’s shirt and ran over his spine, goosebumps followed in their wake.  Liam’s hands stroked from Theo’s hair to his neck, the other grasped at his shoulder and lower to grab Theo’s arm and pull it up so Theo’s hand rested on the inside of his thigh. His mate gave his leg a soft squeeze while his hand on Liam’s back dipped lower and his fingers played with the seam of Liam’s boxershorts peaking out from his jeans. He pulled from the kiss to give them both time to breathe but then pressed open-mouthed kisses over Liam’s neck. Liam tilted his head to the other side to give Theo more room to explore. 
“Hrm, hrm.” The Alpha Couple stilled. Oh, come on! “You are fucking cockblocks,” Theo complained when he slumped against Liam and hid his face against Liam’s shoulder. The young Alpha didn’t want to open his eyes but he knew he had to sooner or later and opened them. All his Betas stood in the kitchen and gave them amused looks.  “Nice to see you decided to make up and not kill each other,” Mason praised and shot his best friend a toothy grin.  Liam narrowed his eyes. “I agree with Theo, you are cockblocks. We didn’t think you would be home that early.” “Rather you forgot the time with your past time activities.” Maya chortled. “Just to be warned beforehand, did you fuck on the couch?” “We didn’t have sex in this apartment. We actually have regards to how close we all live together, you little shit.” Theo turned around and glared at her with not half the heat his words seemed to hold. She just gave him a thumbs up. Liam chuckled and loosely wrapped both arms around Theo’s shoulders. The way his boyfriend leaned against the counter and therefore against Liam put him in the perfect position to do so.  Nolan watched them and snorted. “Somebody ever told the two of you how picture-perfect you two look together? Theo looks on fleek most of the time anyway and you two together are just one of those perfect aesthetical couples.”  Sadie nodded. “Nolan’s right, you two even have the same color concept. And the worst part is, you don’t even realize it which makes it all even more perfect.” “We have a what now?” Liam never heard of this before. Mason had listened to Nolan and Sadie and now crossed his arms before he raised one hand and tipped against his chin with his index finger. “Yeah, I can see that. Theo’s favorite color is blue and the darker shades of blue on top of that. Liam likes muted colors more. He has bright colored clothes but I personally know he prefers dark red or blue, green. Theo is more daring in colors but he favorites the muted ones as well.” “And since becoming a couple they never wore things which clashed in color,” Sadie added. “Also, their hair colors fit the aesthetic as well. Not too dark but also not too bright. Like Nols said, perfect aesthetical.” The couple stayed silent and let that sink in. Then Theo scoffed. “You three have lost your mind. How do you have time to think about that? You need a hobby!” “Don’t give them ideas, Dore. Although I agree, you three are nuts. We don’t have a color concept as a couple.” Liam shook his head. 
****** “I see your Full House, Mickey, and raise you to my Straight Flush which means I win! Pay up!” Theo threw his cards on the table and raised both hands in victory while he leaned back in his chair.  Mike stared at the cards then he groaned. “You can’t be serious! Is there any game you’re not good at?”  Theo laughed. “Told you I’m good at Poker. Shouldn't have put it to the test.” He reached out and gathered the candy on the table. The pack sat together and took turns in playing Poker. Since nobody wanted to play for real money, Tim had suggested candy as stake. They all participated in playing but it was crystal clear Theo was the best of them all. Probably because he had the best poker face of the group. He even cracked Mike, Maya, and Isaac.  “I’d like to believe you’re cheating but then again, I’m not good at Poker so you probably won fair and square.” Lori had tried her luck and failed miserably in the first round, therefore, decided to be a spectator rather than a player.  “T doesn’t cheat, he is naturally good at those games.” Liam eyed the amount of candy on the table and made a lazy attempt to grab one. Theo gave him a questioning look. “Which one?” “Taffee, please,” Liam ordered and his boyfriend handed him one of the desired candies over.  “If you want a rematch, I’m game,” Theo then offered Mike who grumbled.  “How with Liam eating the pool?” “I just asked for one taffy,” Liam mumbled because his mouth was occupied by the delicious candy.  “What about the licorice?” “Handed it over to Ever and Lori.” Ever raised one piece of licorice to confirm Liam’s statement and then took a bite from it. 
"We should have played Strip Poker, that would have been more interesting,” Mike mumbled quietly. Brett hooted. “That would have been awesome, yeah.” “The night’s still young.” Cade shrugged.  “If you’re so wild on showing off your bodies, why don’t you guys make a sexy calendar for the pack?” Sadie suggested immediately. “Forget sexy firemen, we have our sexy pack mates.”  Mason made a gurgling sound when he sipped his lemonade at the moment of Sadie’s offer and had to slap his hand in front of his mouth to avoid spluttering his drink over the table.  “Mason, you’re okay?” Nolan asked alarmed. The emissary just coughed and wagged his hands around while he nodded.  “He would totally put this calendar on his wall,” Corey translated dryly, “I would too. “Seriously? I would get nightmares,” Maya mocked the male members of the core pack and got very indignantly replies yelled in her face. She laughed. “I mean, I didn’t see all of you without shirts on, the only ones I have seen are Theo and Liam, both even completely naked, but I’d say you others are not really cut out for Mr. September.” “First of all, I may not be a total beefcake but I’m in shape, okay? I would be good as Mr. September,” Cade declared, “Then, when have you seen Theo and Liam totally naked?” He sounded slightly disturbed and not sure if he really wanted to know the answer. Sadie took it upon herself to answer. “Theo when he shifted in the campus parking lot and Liam after he showed us he too could shift into a real wolf.” “Please, explain further I shifted in the parking lot because we were tracking a wendigo! I do not shift randomly to parade around naked!” Theo cried out and they all laughed.  “Liam I also saw naked, Theo happened before I became part of the pack, right?” Ever realized. Upon Caden’s funny look she grinned and put a hand on his leg. “Both could not compare to you. Because, Maya, I have to agree with him, my boyfriend looks amazing.” She kissed him under the wolf whistles of the pack.
Liam sat in his chair and observed his pack. Since he had announced his new fortune, the mood had been better. Yes, they all wanted a new home, but the spirit was higher. It had been the good news they all needed and now they were able to goof around, talk about sexy calendars and stuff. He still hoped the house would be finished soon and he could announce moving day, but for now, this was as good as it could get.  Theo leaned closer to him and kissed his jaw. “In thoughts, baby?” “Just thinking about how happy we are at the moment and how it’s only getting better,” he whispered back and leaned further into his boyfriend. It was natural to search Theo out since they had been at the house together, he didn’t want any separation between them again.  “Hm, can’t wait.” Theo suckled in Liam’s earlobe and tugged on it with his teeth. A shiver ran down Liam’s spine and then a second one when he heard his mate’s low chuckle because of that.  “What do you say about paying a visit to the truck before sleeping?” Theo asked quietly and Liam bit his lower lip. That was soo tempting...
“Liam, Theo, stop whispering cute things into each other’s ears and pay attention to us. We want to play another round!” Ever called. Theo sighed but then straightened his back. “Bold of you to assume those were cute things.” He smirked. Liam laughed. “You walked into that one, Hecate.” She rolled her eyes but smiled in the end. “You really want to play again? We all know I’m going to win anyway but okay, your choice!” Theo shrugged. Liam smiled and put one arm on the backrest of Theo’s chair. When offered cards, he raised his hand and shook it. “I’m fine with watching and being your biggest fan.” “Okay.” Theo smiled at him. “Let’s start playing, I want some more candy.”
****** The days were just passing by without anything important happening. No hyenas back in town or other supernatural baddies lurking around. They all could focus on college and still finding a new place to live. To keep the surprise, Liam didn’t keep his Betas from finding new places and looking into realty but he proceeded to turn everything down. 
And then one day he got the call he had been waiting for. It was a short call but enough to put the biggest smile on Liam’s face. It had happened on his way home and he had taken a detour to gather the sale contract (thank god he had been alone or the surprise would have been ruined). When he finally made it into Isaac’s apartment, he found Theo alone at the living room table and marched over. “You are in a fantastic mood,” Theo realized and pushed his chair away from the table so Liam could sit on his lap.  “Hm.” Liam wrapped one arm around Theo’s shoulder. “Got a call from the agency, the workers are done,” he whispered into his mate’s ear.  A few seconds passed, then Theo beamed at him. “Really? Already? That is awesome!” “Oh yeah, sooner than expected but this is more than just amazing. I cannot stop smiling.” He pecked Theo’s lips. “We have a new home.” “We do.” Theo smiled and leaned his forehead against Liam’s. “I can understand why this makes you so happy. When will you tell the Betas?” “I thought we’ll wait for this Friday. That way we have the whole weekend to settle in the house and buy all the stuff for the bedrooms.” “Yeah, yeah, good idea.” Theo tightened his hold on Liam’s and kissed him. “Fuck, this is the best news!”
“You two lovebirds are always whispering recently. What’s up with that?” Brett had wandered into the kitchen and looked over to them.  “We just decided on a date night tomorrow,” Liam said, “The last one had been way too long ago.”  “Ah, well, in that case, continue with your pink lovely world.” Brett grinned and disappeared into the guest room again.  Theo chuckled. “We have a date night tomorrow?” Liam grinned. “Now we have one.”
****** Next day found Liam dressed in dark blue jeans and a white t-shirt under a black leather jacket leaned against the wall outside of the bathroom. “Theo, seriously, hurry! I’m getting impatient!” He called out for his mate. The older took his time tonight and it made Liam’s skin crawl. He had plans tonight and while they didn’t have to be somewhere at a special time, he still wanted to go.  Mason leaned on the opposite wall and grinned at his best friend. “Your man is a tiny bit vain, isn’t he?” “You take just as long to get ready, Mase!”  “I do not. I just get distracted easily.” “Sure.” Liam shook his head and laughed.
And then the bathroom door opened and Theo finally stepped out of the bathroom. "I am not vain, I just have to keep up with Liam!” The Alpha felt his cheeks burning from the compliment and he just made some uncertain sounds. His boyfriend wore black jeans and a grey shirt underneath a dark blue cardigan and wow, he looked fantastic. Mason shook his head when he saw Liam’s blush. “One would think after living together for years and being mated for over half a year, you have gotten used to this. Now go off and have fun, don’t forget protection, my young ducklings.” “I hate you,” Liam mumbled when his cheeks burned even brighter. Theo just had looked at him and smiled the private smile only reserved for Liam. It made his heart rate accelerate more than naked Theo could do.  “Y...Yeah, let’s go. Bye, Mason.” Liam took Theo’s hand and pulled him out of the apartment. 
“I have a surprise waiting for you outside,” he told Theo in the elevator. Theo looked curious but when he stepped outside and saw the highly polished oldtimer convertible parked in front of the house, he drew in a sharp breath.  “Liam!” “It’s rented.” Liam knew where Theo’s mind had gone. “There is a company where you can rent oldtimers for 24 hours and it’s not that expensive. I thought it would be nice for you to drive around during our date. Even though the other car we saw was black and this one is midnight blue as I was told, I hope you don’t mind.” “I don’t mind, I don’t mind? This car is as beautiful as the other one and I get to drive it! I would drive this car if it was pink! Give me the keys.” Theo had switched into an excited young man and when Liam threw him the keys he all but ran to get into the driver’s seat. That alone was enough for Liam to consider this date one of the best they ever had and it had only just begun. He followed his partner into the car. The fawn leather seats were comfy and he leaned back with a sigh. Theo ran his hand over the steering wheel in wonder and then looked at Liam. “Where to? You said you had plans, right?” “How about a private house tour?” Liam suggested with a soft smile. It only intensified when Theo beamed at him, leaned over the console to kiss Liam, and started the car. “Wow, do you hear that Liam? The engine sounds so smooth!”
Theo continued to praise the car for the whole drive and Liam just leaned back and enjoyed his boyfriend so happy and excited. Theo’s green eyes sparkled and he rarely talked that much about something in one go. He could have spent hours listening to Theo talk. His mom had once said she was falling more and move in love with her husband every day and now Liam discovered the same with his mate. 
He was also curious about what Theo would say to the now finished house. It looked different, Liam knew that, and he really hoped his pack would appreciate the choices he made. When they parked in front of the house, Liam vibrated out of his skin with excitement once again.  He unlocked the door and let Theo step in first.  “Oh my god, Liam.” The wall on the right and leading up the stairs had been decorated with pictures from the pack. Vegas was there, the lake, Christmas, New York, a few from them just hanging out. They were either framed with silver or blue frames yet the wall was still relatively empty.  “Those are just some I had on my phone. We can put the pictures you guys have there as well, it’s just a start.”  Theo stepped closer to two pictures. “Is that...?” “Our graduation,” Liam finished the sentence. It had Mason, Corey, Nolan, Theo, and Liam all in their red robes and smiling brightly in the camera in the first picture, in the second picture they all held out their diplomas and made silly faces. Theo chuckled.  “Memories,” he muttered. 
He then continued walking around and stopped at the reading corner on the left. The shelves were now fully stocked with books, there was a comfy looking wing chair in the corner and next to it a tall lamp. Somewhat further into the middle of the niche, the dark blue low couch Liam had decided on had found its place. Enough place for several people to read and relax. 
The kitchen had not changed that much but Liam knew the closed shelves were stocked with food, cutlery, and dishes, enough for the whole pack. The windows were freshly cleaned as well and let in the evening light perfectly. 
And then Theo saw the room which had been completely empty when he been to the house for the first time, the living room. Paint buckets and ladders had made room for two big couches, one facing the flatscreen above the fireplace directly, the other facing the window front. A smaller couch and several ottomans were places around the room to give enough seats for everyone. Next to the fireplace stood a chess table. The furniture was kept in a very light grey tone, almost white, and had dark blue pillows as an accent. The couch table in the middle was black and a soft blue carpet beneath the couches and the table completed the picture. Theo gaped at the room.  "I picked out the colors and the grey spoke to me, I don’t really know why. It is soft but not cold, you know? Guess that’s why. And the black table was a recommendation from Mrs. Russo. It was great working with her and see my fantasies come to life,” Liam babbled and stopped when he saw Theo looking at him. “You’re looking at me the same way you looked at me at the zoo when I talked about Mykonos.” “Because I am just as impressed as I was back then. You’re good at this whole interior design stuff, you realized that?” Liam blushed again. “I had help.” Theo shook his head. “Don’t be so humble and take the compliment.” He cupped Liam’s face. “You’re definitively in charge of the interior for our coffee shop.” And he kissed Liam to stop further discussions.  Liam pulled him closer and returned the kiss softly. In his head, he was dancing happily that Theo liked what he picked out. 
“Want to go upstairs and see the gallery?” He asked when they stopped kissing. Theo licked his lips and shook his head. “I want to see the pool.”  He let go off Liam and opened the door to step outside. The garden was not finished and probably would not be in the nearest future but Liam considered that a pack project. The only things completely finished were the patio they currently stood on, the pool area, and the whirlpool. 
The patio had beautiful wooden flooring and a big seating area on one side, with a white fireplace right in the middle to huddle around and sit there, even during the winter, and a barbecue. The couches were white with brownish-red wood. On the other side of the patio was a round metallic table and chairs for having breakfast in the summer or playing board games. Liam was sure his friends would find a good use for the table.  Five steps led from the patio to the rectangle-shaped pool, currently covered so the water didn’t get dirty. The pool area was also had wooden flooring but it was slightly brighter than the patio itself. Liam had decided on it because it was advertised as warm wood when the sun shined on it and perfect for pools.  The only thing not covered with wood was the whirlpool area. Large quarry tiles led from the pool to the right down a few more steps and there was the pool, outside covered with grey stones. A stone wall had been built around half of the pool to shield it from the house and give the people in the pool some more privacy. Liam saw the way Theo’s eyes darkened mischievously. It was clear they would use the pool for good at least once.  “Want to take a dip?” He inquired and Theo laughed.  “I am tempted but not tonight. I mean, it is there, we don’t want to waste it.” “No, we don’t want that.” The couple smirked at each other and Liam winked at his mate. 
He took Theo’s hand in his and they left the pool behind them while they wandered into the house and upstairs. The gallery area was kept in the same colors as the living room. Like Liam had said on their first trip here, the shelves were placed along the wall, comfy seats and overstuffed benches were placed in the middle of the gallery, a large desk stood right against the banister to get all the light from the big windows. Modern stereo equipment had been installed between two shelves. Enough to either sit and read comfortably or get some work done or listen to some music. Sleek floor lamps made sure you got enough light even when the sun had disappeared. 
“That’s all furnished right now. The bedrooms are empty and so is the gym, I wanted to decide with all of you what to get. There are other rooms down in the basement currently empty, we have to decide what to do with them. Mrs. Russo suggested a playroom? With a pool table, maybe a little bar, a poker table. But I wasn’t sure and didn’t think it was important right now.” “We have all the time in the world to figure that out, you said it yourself. You managed to create a home where we all can live and have everything we need to live a happy life. And you wonderfully implemented the more luxurious aspects like the pools into this home. Do we need a whirlpool? No. Will we have sex in this pool? Bet on it. Is this the greatest thing ever? It sure is.” He had to laugh at Theo’s excitement. “The pool really settles it for you, huh?” “I like the pool. Especially for us wolves, it is nice to have quick cool down on a hot day and the core pack is quite large, we don’t have to worry about disturbing anybody now. And the whirlpool, well, it gives me ideas.” “I bet I know your ideas.” Liam snickered. He knew Theo after all. “Is sex in a whirlpool on your bucket list or something?” Theo’s smile turned a bit more lewdly. “Since we got together my bucket list grew. There are things I’m planning on doing with you, sweetheart,” he declared huskily and it went straight to Liam’s core. Hot lust mixed with incredible fondness and love for the older man stirred up inside him and his eyes flashed. Theo’s eyes flashed in return and he smirked, exposed the hint of sharp teeth.
The mated couple stared at each other for a while until Liam cleared his throat. If they kept this up they would land in the pool or against a flat surface sooner than later and he had other plans for now. “I, uhm, I brought some picnic. Just some snacks.” He pointed at the picnic basket he had placed on the table earlier when he went to fetch the oldtimer. 
“Well, in that case, let’s sit and eat, shall we?” Theo smiled at him, grabbed the basket, and settled on one of the couches with Liam. It was not much Liam had packed, just some cucumber slices, tomatoes, little meatballs. And: “I thought we should toast to our new home but didn’t think we would like wine so I brought beer.” He pulled the two bottles out. “Want some music?” He stood up and walked to the stereo to turn it on a random channel. Soft instrumental music started to play and for background noise, this was good enough. 
When he walked back to Theo, his boyfriend had taken the black document folder out of the basket and turned it in his hands. “Liam, what is this?” “It’s the sales contract for the house. I bought this house but I said it when I talked about the money being ours. I bought it with our money so I want your signature on the contract as well. I want the house to belong to both of us.” Theo stared at him thunderstruck. “Liam, I can’t do that.” He grimaced.  “Why not?” Liam asked softly. “You agreed when I said the money is our money. We are mates, the house should belong to us both. The Alpha Couple giving their Betas a new home. I don’t see any reason why you can’t sign the contract.” Theo worried his lip with his teeth and flicked the folder open. Liam reached into the basket and pulled out the elegant ballpen he had borrowed from Isaac. He held it out for Theo but said nothing to not pressure his partner. If Theo really declined, he would accept it, no matter how differently he thought about it. 
Theo stared at the contract Then he took the pen in his hand. “You are too good for this world but I am too selfish to say no,” he declared and put his name next to Liam’s on the small line. Liam smiled warmly.  “You are not selfish, it is okay to want this. I offered it to you, you didn’t force me.” He kissed Theo’s cheek and then stored the contract back in the basket. When he turned his attention back to Theo, his boyfriend had a  weak smile on his face.  “Hey, you okay?” Liam put his arm around Theo’s waist. Theo huffed out a soft laugh. “I went from being homeless to a house owner. It’s a big step and a lot to wrap my head around.” He turned his head and looked at Liam. “But I am really, really happy.” He kissed Liam softly. Both men closed their eyes and enjoyed the soft display of love and affection. This was really one of the best, they both knew this. Tonight life was pretty much perfect and they were in their own romantic little bubble. After all those weeks, the pain and the fear, the reality of being homeless, they finally had a new place to live and start a new chapter in their lives.
Liam gasped in surprise when Theo suddenly took his hands and pulled him to his feet. He opened his eyes. “What are we doing?” “It’s a special occasion and we should do something we never did before. I can’t remember that we have ever slow-danced,” Theo explained his actions while he led Liam in front of the stereo. Liam laughed. “Oh my god, Theo.” “No complaints, puppy.” Theo pulled him closer and who was Liam kidding? Of course, wrapped his arms around Theo’s neck and pressed close to Theo. They began swaying and he leaned his head against his mate's shoulder.  “I love you so much,” Theo mumbled. “Thank you.”
****** Liam woke up and heard his cellphone ringing. He groaned and rubbed his eyes while he located his jacket on the floor and reached for it. Mason’s caller id flashed on the screen when he finally fumbled the phone out of his pocket and Theo behind him groaned. “Hello?” “Thank god, we thought you were kidnapped or something, Is Theo okay?” Mason didn’t even bother with a greeting.  “Yeah, he is.” Liam sat up and looked around. Theo had spooned him from behind, one arm over Liam’s hips after they had fallen asleep on the couch at on the gallery. The music was still playing in the background or had played before but Theo had now gotten up and turned it off. “We fell asleep.” “Did you sleep in the car? We were worried cause you didn’t come home after your date and we all agreed you would not take a hotel for the night.” “No, no hotel.” Liam yawned. “We will be home in a bit. Bye.” He hung up and ran a hand through his short hair.  Theo stretched. “Guess our pack missed us. Good to know we can’t stay away for one night. A nice feeling to know people notice your absence." “Yeah.” Liam yawned again. “I need coffee.” His shirt was rumpled from sleeping in it and Theo didn’t look much better. Well, as bad as Theo could look. Even in rumpled clothes, he looked like a supermodel.  "I didn’t expect our first night at the new house to take place on a couch yet again but okay.” Liam shrugged and Theo laughed.  “It’s a different couch than Isaac's and I slept well. That’s the important part, right?” “Right.” He checked his watch. “Fuck, we have to go and get change before classes start!”
****** Friday finally came and their classes dragged on and on. Liam waited eagerly for the college day to finally end so he could meet with his pack in the parking lot and then finally show them the house.  When it was finally time, he bounced on his feet and could not stand still while he waited. Brett who had been ordered to also meet them after his shift grinned. And he had brought Isaac with him who Liam also had kindly invited to tag along. “An excited Alpha puppy, would you look at that.” “I’m just in a good mood.” “You are in a good mood for several days now. Share your secret.” “Well, for once, a large part....” Liam gestured to Theo who leaned against his truck. “I have that one as my mate.” Theo smirked but any further praise of him was cut off by the rest of the pack arriving. 
“Okay, Lee, we are all here and you made it clear we should not have any other plans this weekend. What’s this about? We are too curious, we need to know,” Corey said. Liam grinned. “Just get into the cars and follow Theo’s truck. You will see soon enough.” “We’re going on a trip? But we didn’t pack,” Sadie mused. “Relax, Sadie, you won’t need fresh clothes for that one,” Theo promised. He tossed Liam the keys. “Here, do the honors. Drive.” “Oh, oh, it’s special when Theo lets Liam drive his baby,” Lori was stunned. But then she quickly climbed into the truck, just like everybody else. They all wanted to know what the big surprise was. 
On their way, they all tried to guess what it could be but funny enough none of them guessed the right thing. Either his pack didn’t even try to hope or the Alpha Couple became insanely good at covering things up. 
Then the house came into view and they all fell silent. Uncertain what to say. “Are we visiting someone?” Maya inquired. Theo and Liam shared a look and then parked in front of the large garage, capable of holding two cars inside next to each other. They all got out and the Betas still looked unsure what to make out of this.  Liam and Theo stepped on the front porch. “To answer the question, we are not visiting somebody.”  “But there was a sign regarding private property when we passed the gate,” Nolan chimed in. “Are we trespassing?”  “Guys, come on, you are not dumb. What do you think this is?” Cade shrugged. “A house to visit that could become the new pack house?” Maya shook her head and glanced up the house. Her eyes were a little bit glassy. “No, not a house that could be the new pack house.” She glanced at the other born werewolves in the pack and they all seemed to understand what the rest was missing. Lori finally clarified: “Guys, listen to your wolves. This is the new pack house. And it’s theirs.” She looked at the two Alphas and smiled shyly.  Liam raised his shoulders casually. “I hope you forgive me for sending you on a hunt to find new places only to turn them down but I had to stall in order to keep up the surprise. Yes, this is the house Theo and I bought. Took a while to get finished but now it’s almost done. Only the bedrooms are missing cause the plan was for each one of you to choose a room and then we go to IKEA and buy the furniture every single one of you wants,” he explained.  The pack stayed silent. Theo pointed at them. “That is the moment you should rejoice,” he prompted. 
Silence. 
And then...
Loud screaming and suddenly Alpha and Second Alpha found themselves in an ambush of happy Betas all yelling above each other, asking millions of questions, praising Liam and Theo, and just shouting their thoughts. This was probably the most uncoordinated pack hug they ever had and normal persons would probably stay back with broken ribs but Liam laughed freely and enjoyed the chaos. 
Theo unlocked the front door and then jumped aside last minute before he got run over by the pack. He almost landed in the bushes planted next to the front porch and only Liam’s grip on his arm kept him from it. The Alpha smirked at his mate and Theo flicked his nose in retaliation. And then they also stepped inside their new house.  They made their way to the kitchen and waited for them to calm down. It almost happened once but then Tim spotted the pool and a new wave of euphoria swept over the Betas.  “None of them is younger than twenty and they act like little kids. It will be fun to see Landon’s and Zack’s reaction,” Liam said thoughtfully.  Theo laughed. “They will be just as excited.” 
Excitement, the whole house burst with it. It was palpable and exactly what Liam had hoped for. The surprise was completely successful and it had been good he had waited until everything was finished. They could move in and finally be out of Isaac’s hair.  Only slowly the pack calmed down enough to gather everyone in the living room and have a conversation about the rooms. Liam started it. “To begin, we already chose a room for ourselves.” “Can I guess? The room up the second pair of stairs?” Mason said out loud.  Liam nodded. Maya awed. “The first time you didn’t want to take the biggest room and now you already decided on one. I am proud of you.” “What happened the first time?” Caden wanted to know.  “Mike and Sadie fought about the biggest room until Theo stated the biggest room was for the Alpha. Liam was very hesitant to accept it, only did in case he would find a mate and then could use the private bathroom. Which worked perfectly,” Ever explained and pointed at Theo.  “Good times,” Sadie said and smiled.  “A lot of good things happened in the first pack house. But now we have this house and we will make just as many good memories here if not more.” Liam was sure of that.  “Now, who gets which room?” Theo asked and started a loud argument over who and what and when and where and why. 
Tim was the only one who didn’t participate and just listened. Until he suddenly whistled. “Guys, can I say something? I get it, you all want your room to be the best but let’s face it, all rooms are amazing. However, there are two rooms on each side who share a bathroom each. Does it not make more sense when one of the couples takes two of these rooms? Just asking.” Ever and Caden shared a look. “We would take one set of these rooms, the ones on the left if that’s okay,” they finally decided.  “I’d like the room close to Liam’s and Theo’s staircase. What do you say, Mason?” Corey asked his husband. Mason nodded. The room had a little balcony and would be perfect for the two of them to sit outside and enjoy nature. 
“If you two take that room, I’d like the first room in the basement. The one with the niche. I always wanted a hammock in my room and it would fit perfectly in there,” Mike claimed.  “You want to live downstairs?” Nolan could not believe it.  "You look at me as if I moved in the cardboard under the stairs. The house is built on a hill, you know, therefore it’s not really a basement since the rooms there also have windows and a lot of light.” “I wasn’t downstairs in the basement.” Nolan shrugged.  “Also, I can blast my music and disturb nobody with it,” Mike found yet another reason why he liked the room so much.  “If you want that room, I’d like the room next to yours,” Tim pleaded. “It reminds me how the common room from Hufflepuff is described in the books. I would live in my own Hufflepuff common room, that is awesome!” “Oh my, Timmy, you’re too precious for this world.” Mike smiled and the two best friends fist-bumped. 
After that, the others fell in line. Lori took a great liking to one of the two rooms you came across when you walked upstairs, Nolan and Brett settled next to Corey and Mason on one side and had Sadie on the other. Maya took the first room on the left side of the hallway.  When everyone was settled, Liam looked at Isaac. “What about you?” “What about me?” He looked puzzled.  “You said your apartment gets lonely. You are welcome to drop by anytime if you want. You can choose a room as well. It’s yours then.” “That...Oh wow, I don’t know what to say.” “Hey, you hosted us and gave us a roof over our heads. It’s the least we can do for you.” Theo smiled at his friend and Isaac returned the smile.  Isaac contemplated it. “I take the room next to Lori then. Thank you, guys.”
“Perfect.” Liam clasped his hands together. “Now this is settled, I think we should pay a visit to IKEA:” 
_____________________________________________________________
We deserved happy Liam and happy Theo, don't you think? And they deserved to be happy. I ship them with happiness and I am absolutely in love with the two of them being all cuddly and soft with each other. They can barely take their hands off each other and I'm living for it. The pack finally has a new home and can turn a new page in their books. I am sure it will be an awesome time. Let me know what you think.
Have a great week ♥
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goddessoffate96 · 5 years
Text
To Never Forget
[A/N] Here goes. A second chapter. I can’t say im 100% happy with the pacing or my way of progressing the story (I feel like at times I’m rushing things to try and move the story along). But I’m hoping with time and practice I’ll be able to iron out these little kinks, and as the chapters go on, my writing will develop (my fingers are well and truly crossed). @dayanna-hatter :D
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CHAPTER TWO: PARTY AND PRESENTS
Elide was speechless. As she got out of the car and turned towards Aelin’s house she didn’t know whether to be impressed or crawl into the nearest sewer drain. She knew Aelin was nothing if not an over-enthusiastic perfectionist, but she had really outdone herself this time. All across the front garden were streamers and balloons, while pegs in the ground held a huge number two and number three in place. That wasn’t what drew the blood to Elides face, that wasn’t what made her palms sweaty and her heart begin to race. All across the front of the house, hanging between the two farthest windows was a banner. Not just any banner. Elide was pretty sure it was the biggest banner she had ever seen in her life, and written across it in bold, capital, purple letters read: ‘HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY ELIDE!’.
“So? What do you think?” Aelin’s shoulder bumped into Elide’s, the blonde bombshell was grinning from ear to ear, clearly pleased with her handy work.
“I… Err… I mean… I don’t really… It’s big.” The nearest sewer drain was looking more and more tempting. “I suppose no one is going to wonder how old I am for a while.” Elide hoped the chuckle that escaped her throat was convincing enough for them all to stop staring at her.
“Hey Fireheart! We were expecting you about half an hour ago!” Coming towards them, dressed in dark blue jeans and a navy shirt was Rowan, and Elide honestly couldn’t have been happier to see him in that moment. “Happy Birthday El! Glad you decided to come. I’ll let you read the millions of texts I received this morning. Who knew someone could type so fast in the space of five minutes?” After giving Elide a quick hug, Rowan draped his arm around Aelin’s waist, pulled her into him and kissed the top of her head.
“I was panicking okay! Everything was planned, and we’d spent last night sorting the decorations. Elide’s life was looking pretty damn short in those five minutes!” They’d all started making their way up to the house, and Aelin turned to give Elide a quick wink before they got to the door. “Well birthday girl first.” As Elide took a deep breath, and mentally prepared herself for what was about to ensue, she reached forward and opened the door.
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Just as she’d expected, as soon as she stepped over the threshold a chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’s and ‘Surprise’s were shouted at her. As Elide looked around at all her friends - and then some - she couldn’t help the grin that made its way across her face. She could still quite happily go and hide someplace else, but seeing all those faces smiling at her, she had to admit, it was infectious.
Dorian, Chaol and Yrene were the first ones over to her. Hugs were exchanged and a pat on the shoulder from Chaol had Elide holding back a laugh. Yrene pulled her over to the dining room table, on top of which sat her presents.
“You don’t have to open them now, in fact I’d probably suggest you don’t, it’ll be easier to carry them out to the car if they’re all still wrapped. But… I do want you to open this one.” With that Manon picked up a small square box, covered in blood red wrapping paper. Elide looked at her sister as she started carefully tearing it open. Inside the box lay a necklace, the ruby, the size of Elide’s little finger nail, was shaped like a tear.
“I know we’re not really the lovey-dovey kind of family, but I wanted you to have something that would remind you I’m always there for you. No matter what.” Elide didn’t hold back as she flung herself at her older sister and smiled.
“Thank you Min, it’s beautiful.” She felt her sister tense as she used her childhood nickname for her, but she soon relaxed once she realised Elide had said it only loud enough for her to hear.
Manon helped her put it on whilst everyone else started to disperse to find drinks or talk to other people they knew. Elide breathed a sigh of relief, realising that her friends really did know her better than she thought.
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It hadn’t taken her long to realise that someone was missing. A quick walk around the house and the back garden (which had also been flooded with balloons and streamers, and confetti by the looks of it) had told her that Lorcan wasn’t here yet. Which probably meant he wasn’t going to show at all.
She couldn’t help but feel a bit deflated. Maybe she had been secretly wishing he’d come. He’d been the first person who had actually seemed to enjoy just sitting and talking to her. She’d never felt like he was itching to get back to the party, never felt like she was being a nuisance or that she was somehow holding him hostage. In those few hours they’d had together, she’d felt herself opening up to him. Yes, she’d been a little tipsy, and no she couldn’t remember everything they’d talked about, but that hadn’t been because of the drink. They’d covered so many topics, so many different branches of conversation, she honestly couldn’t remember them all if she tried.
Elide shook her head. She needed to stop thinking about it, about him. He wasn’t here, and this was her birthday party. If she went around looking like someone had just eaten the last tub of her favourite ice cream, people would start asking questions she really didn’t want to answer.
“Hey Elide, sorry I’m only just now coming over to see you. It’s kinda hard to find you, what with you being so short, and that dark dress doesn’t exactly make you stand out.” Elide turned to face one of Rowan’s friends, Fenrys. At least that’s what she thought his name was. The tall, golden haired man smiled at her as she finally looked at his face. She had to admit, he was very good looking, in that kind of pretty boy, surfer sort of way, and although she hadn’t really spoken to him before, the rest of her friends had only had good things to say. She couldn’t help but give a small laugh.
“Well, you found me. My natural ability to hide must be wearing off. You’re Fenrys, right? One of Rowans friends? Sorry, I’m really bad with faces, and even worse with names.” She smiled and hoped she wasn’t being too awkward. Small talk really wasn’t one of her strong suits, add to that the fact that she hated long silences, and it made conversations a bit like a game of minesweeper.
Fenrys let out a low laugh. “Yeah, that’s me. I’ve known Rowan for about 5 years now, but I’ve seen you out a couple times before, and you’ve kinda always been on your own. Why is that? No one else good enough company?” At that he crossed his arms and gave her a playful questioning look, one eyebrow carefully raised and a small smile on his lips. Elide couldn’t help but smile back.
“No, it’s not that. Parties just aren’t my thing. Give me a good book or movie, blankets, popcorn and ice cream and I’ll be in my element. I like company, just not in crowded situations.” She gave a small shrug. She didn’t expect Fenrys to understand. He looked like the kind of guy who could work a crowd, and he definitely had the body and looks to attract all sorts of attention. He seemed kind enough, but Elide couldn’t help but still feel out of place. There were very few people she felt she could truly relax around, and even they had taken years for her to get to that stage. All except one person. He had only taken a few hours.
“Ahh, right. I get it. Some people just find talking to new people easier than others. From what I’ve heard, you’ve got no reason to be so shy. Everyone says great things about you El. In fact that’s kinda the reason why I came over to talk to you…”
Elide knew at that moment that it was time to find somewhere else to be. She liked Fenrys, he seemed like a really decent guy, and maybe, if her mind wasn’t stuck playing a certain pair of onyx eyes on repeat like her own personal slide show, maybe, she might have even considered entertaining the idea of flirting with him.
“Sorry Fenrys, I’ll be back, its just I’m sure Lysandra has people she wants to introduce me to, and like you said, I’m kinda hard to find. But it's been really nice talking to you, I hope to see you around again, maybe come say hi next time you see me hiding in the shadows?”
“Oh sure, yeah definitely! I’ll be sure to do that. Enjoy the rest of your birthday, Elide. A girl like you deserves to let her hair down once in a while.” She gave Fenrys one last smile as she started to make her way through the crowded house. She couldn’t help but pray to anyone or anything listening that no one else was going to approach her when she heard someone knocking at the front door.
“Elide, could you get that, my hands are full and I ordered pizza. Don’t worry I got your favourite. Though why you like pineapple on pizza is beyond me.” Asterin’s voice travelled down from the top of the stairs, and as Elide looked up she could see that her friends’ hands were indeed full. Full of some poor guys hair, while it looked like her face may have been superglued to his.
Smiling and shaking her head as she reached for the door, Elide began to hope that Asterin had chosen to order - and subsequently pay - online, but decided that she had best check her bag for cash just in case. As she pulled the door open, she began rummaging through her small purse.
“Sorry just give me a minute. Do you need cash or was this paid for already?” As she looked up to greet the delivery guy, she was in fact met with a completely different view. Her eyes kept drifting up until she finally met his gaze.
“I don’t normally expect people to pay me for bringing them flowers on their birthday, but if you want to start a trend, I think I’m okay with that.” Elide moved out of the way to let him through the door. “Sorry I’m late, meetings ran over and I still had phone calls to make. Have I missed anything important?” Elide couldn’t help but stare at him, he always looked unhappy, but there was a gentleness in his eyes that she couldn’t help but dream about.
Rowan appeared from one of the side rooms, and slapped a hand on Lorcans back. “Lor! Glad you could make it mate. Nah, you’ve missed nothing. The party’s just getting started.”
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[A/N] Chapter two is done. Sorry to leave it just as it was getting to what everyone wants, but I’ve always wanted to do that, so I indulged myself :). Please feel free to leave any sort of criticism or advice if you feel like it, and try to be nice, I am as novice as they come, but I’m willing to learn. Also if you wanna drop me a message about anything (Sarah J. Maas related, or even just to chat) that’d be pretty cool too :D x
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weirdlizard26 · 5 years
Note
For the ask meme? All of them.
jay,,,
give me a sec to edit this post ok
1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?
wine glasses are like reading glasses except you wear them while drinking wine
i’d say water bottles but only the ones that can handle heat and stuff and not poison your drink with plastic or whatever
2. chocolate bars or lollipops?
i havent had a lollipop in a good while so thats my choice
3. bubblegum or cotton candy?
havent tried either but boy i’d love to try just a little bit of cotton candy at leastonce
4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?
bro,,,,,, that was like 10 years ago, how am i supposed to remember that,,,,,,,
5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?
i usually drink soda from plastic cups but honestly? nothing beats the experience of sipping that sweet sweet ambrosia from the bottle,,, but also i’d love to try soda in a can some day!
6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?
idk what half of these would look like but sportswear always wins in my book
7. earbuds or headphones?
ok i actually googled whats the difference and im more of an earbuds person! theyrejust safer i think and it makes me kinda anxious when im home listening tomusic and cant hear anything going on around me
8. movies or tv shows?
tv shows! well, unless the episodes are like 40 minutes or a full hour because its hard to focus for that long kfjsndkfs
9. favorite smell in the summer?
pavement after rain and also. grass.
10. game you were best at in p.e.?
haha thats a funny joke you made there *starts crying*
11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?
just a couple of meat+cheese+mayo sandwiches! if its summer mom cuts tomatoes or cucumbers for us and as they start getting more and more expensive we replace them with pickles!
12. name of your favorite playlist?
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
sorry i couldnt choose!
13. lanyard or key ring?
key ring!
14. favorite non-chocolate candy?
aaaa i love fruit flavored ones!
15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?
aaaaaaaa i dont remember if it was elementary or middle school but we were assigned this really cool ukrainian book that ive actually read before they assigned it. well, nobody here will recognize it but it was Тореадори з Васюківки by Всеволод Нестайко and it was about 2 boys who were best friends growing up in the countryside and they went on adventures and had fun and their friendship made me so happy,,, i guess i was all for cool friendship portrayal even back then! it was mostly laughs and jokes but some moments were actually serious and hit me really hard and i remember them to this day actually
16. most comfortable position to sit in?
its a myth, sitting was created as a personal attack on me
17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?
my trusty old sneakers!! theyre all black and the sole is very soft and nice
18. ideal weather?
when the sun is out and its just warm enough to show off your new graphic tee and also very soft and nice
19. sleeping position?
i just lie on my left side like a fool
20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?
notebook!
21. obsession from childhood?
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!!! AND DANNY PHANTOM!!!! i even made a ghost fighting costume once,,,, tho it wasnt much of a costume, it was just fingerless gloves i cut out of paper. they were extremely uncomfortable. but very effective in fighting ghosts!
22. role model?
kfjsdnfk i have a bunch! might sound weird but one of them is bdg i think??? and the other 2 are some online acquaintances whom im too afraid to interact with more often than i do
23. strange habits?
repeating silly lines i hear on tv / in anime/cartoons? and also i never touch food with my right hand unless its plums?? and there are more but. you know. bad memory.
24. favorite crystal?
all of them!!!!!
25. first song you remember hearing?
my grandma used to sing this to me over the phone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUPnqqPXQsw
26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?
go for a walk!
27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?
slep
28. five songs to describe you?
we are the people by empire of the sun
home by cavetown
strawberry blonde by mitski
smile like you mean it by the killers
afterlife by arcade fire
29. best way to bond with you?
wash your hands very thoroughly and make jokes
30. places that you find sacred?
i see nature i go crazy from how much respect i have for it
31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass andtake names?
*wearing hinata cosplay* im here to play volleyball and kick your ass and as you can see ive already played today’s match
32. top five favorite vines?
road work ahead
a avocado!! thanks!!!!!
REBECCA THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK
i fell can you help me :(
that vine where ukulele sounds like human voices and people sounds like ukuleles
33. most used phrase in your phone?
idk how to check that??? sowwy
34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?
the stomach meds ad they keep showing on tv
35. average time you fall asleep?
3am? 4am? idk for sure
36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?
t-trollface…
37. suitcase or duffel bag?
havent used either (cause ive never traveled anywhere too far away) but the latter looks pretty and i feel like it would fit more stuff
38. lemonade or tea?
depends on my mood!
39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?
dont kick me but im not sure if ive ever tried either ;w;
40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?
the school’s cat who hates most people actually kinda warmed up to me even tho im terrible with animals
41. last person you texted?
jay uwu
42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?
afabs cant have both huh
but i want both. please give me both.
43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?
all of these sound nice but my lazy ass will always go for hoodies
44. favorite scent for soap?
aaaaaaaa im allergic to a lot of soaps but i like flower scented ones
45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?
i love all of them dearly but lately ive been more into superheroes i think. im not sure really sure what exactly i feel
46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?
something really really long
47. favorite type of cheese?
there are different types????
48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?
i hope im a pear
49. what saying or quote do you live by?
become a good person. thats all.
50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?
i dont remember what it was but i remember i was with my friends and we couldnt stop laughing for several minutes and ive never felt happier
51. current stresses?
UNIVERSITY FUCK OFF!!!
52. favorite font?
i like comic sans
53. what is the current state of your hands?
they arent doing so hot tbh, my dermatitis is back again
54. what did you learn from your first job?
i dont have one!
55. favorite fairy tale?
gonna be honest chief, i dont remember too many of them ;w;
56. favorite tradition?
on new year’s we turn the lights off, light up a candle in the kitchen, laugh at president’s speech and only then starts eating
57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?
getting over a lost friendship, passing high school finals and uni entrance exams and coming out to my best friend
58. four talents you’re proud of having?
singing!! being able to learn how to do most things pretty quickly!!! and i cant think of anything else but honestly these two are quite enough for me
59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?
uh oh! guess what! i dont have a catchphrase and im very self-conscious about it!
60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?
im torn between sports anime and slice of life
61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?
because humans dont have wings we look for other ways to fly
from haikyuu
obviously
62. seven characters you relate to?
tsukishima kei from haikyuu
mae borowski from nitw
apollo justice from ace attorney
flame princess from adventure time
donatello from tmnt
sokka from atla
kageyama shigeo from mob psycho 100
63. five songs that would play in your club?
mr brightside, bohemian rhapsody, smile like you mean it by the killers and allof haikyuu ops and eds
64. favorite website from your childhood?
if social media counts, vkontakte i guess?? i didnt really go anywhere else and it still exists and i thriving so im not sure if it should count fkjsndkjf
65. any permanent scars?
yeah, the one from my very first vaccination from when i was a few months old i think and also some traces of when i had chickenpox
66. favorite flower(s)?
idk a lot of flower names but i really like tulips
67. good luck charms?
dont have any at the moment but i’d love to get one!
68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?
whatever fish mom used to buy when we were kids >:(
69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?
bro my memory isnt good enough to remember those,,
70. left or right handed?
im a righty but i had to become a lefty for like a month when i broke my pinkie
71. least favorite pattern?
i like traditional ukrainian ornaments
72. worst subject?
history :P
73. favorite weird flavor combo?
ice cream + fries
74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?
idk how pain levels work but i try not to take meds unless the pain is interfering with studying
75. when did you lose your first tooth?
idk but i had a box full of my teeth for so long they turned to dust and i had to throw it away
76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?
RHNGRHGNRHGRNH EVERYTHING except for freshly made mashed potatoes
77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?
if its green it can stay
78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?
have never had either of those and i hope i never will cause they sound gross!
79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?
i dont have a license, so.
80. earth tones or jewel tones?
kfjsndfks depends on the mood tbh!
81. fireflies or lightning bugs?
fireflies!
82. pc or console?
i WISH i had a console but this is too broke for that,, i played a couple of times tho and it feels more fun than pc!
83. writing or drawing?
please dont make me choose, ive abandoned both and its making me feel bad
84. podcasts or talk radio?
podcasts :O
84. barbie or polly pocket?
idk what polly pocket is but barbie rules!!!
85. fairy tales or mythology?
i feel like sometimes fairy tales are kinda like watered down myths so i have a right to say i like both
86. cookies or cupcakes?
my heart goes to cookies
87. your greatest fear?
finding out im faking any part of my identity
88. your greatest wish?
get through whatever’s going on right now
89. who would you put before everyone else?
mom
90. luckiest mistake?
when i recorded an undertale medley and got a few notes wrong but it actually ended up sounding better than originally
91. boxes or bags?
boxes!
92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?
fairy lights……
93. nicknames?
never really had many? my bff calls me mr smith sometimes but thats all i can think of fkjsdnfs but also! steve used to be my nickname before i decided my life my own and i get to choose my name
94. favorite season?
spring ;w;
95. favorite app on your phone?
sudoku
 96. desktop background?
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 97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?
my own and my mom’s
 98. favorite historical era?
eh im not very fond of the past because not every time period had soap
3 notes · View notes
quackspot · 5 years
Note
imagine someone just going 1-200 and you have to answer 200 questions for a stranger
well u better strap up becuase im about to do it
200: My crush’s name is: i dunno who do u think my crush’s name is199: I was born in: a year which is 2004198: I am really: a homo sapien197: My cellphone company is:  i think its samsung196: My eye color is: brown195: My shoe size is: 9 or 9.5 i think just 9194: My ring size is: WAIT RINGS HAD SIZES????? i dunno193: My height is: 5′4 ISH but i just say 5′4 because im actually really sensitive about my height and the less than an inch that brings me to 5′4 makes me somewhat happier with myself192: I am allergic to: maybe dustmites 191: My 1st car was: not yet190: My 1st job was: NOT YET189: Last book you read: technically a book called Dad Jokes theyre really funny jokes but if you mean story with plot then probably Grand & Humble unless if you include everything then yesterday i peeked in some books188: My bed is: a bed which i sleep in and that’s pretty much it actually i havent really made my bed in a while 187: My pet: jax and nibsy r the family pets jax is a shih-poo shihtzu poodle mix and nibsy is a cat186: My best friend: my brother185: My favorite shampoo is: shampoo184: Xbox or ps3: hard choice there’s xbox overall and little big planet this is actually a very hard choice lksiiro3jedsklmf,gsda little big planet is great........................183: Piggy banks are: piggy banks. theyre great182: In my pockets: I DONT HAVE POCKETS IM A WOMAN181: On my calendar: whats a calendar lol!!!!180: Marriage is: marriage 179: Spongebob can: dodod od odo dodooo178: My mom: IS GREAT i lov her shes a good mom177: The last three songs I bought were? i dont buy songs i listen to them176: Last YouTube video watched: i mean im listening to boyfriend big time rush on youtube right now but if you mean actual watching its snufkin saying “hi moomin” to moomin a quick 6 second clip175: How many cousins do you have? i duno174: Do you have any siblings? yeah173: Are your parents divorced? yeah172: Are you taller than your mom? probably not :(171: Do you play an instrument? i play the trumpet i did it today and it was really boring i dont want to go to any more graduations not even my own170: What did you do yesterday? things[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: not really but somewhat and i like it because its a fun little thing to put in fiction 168: Luck: yea im very lucky167: Fate: its my destiny to die someday . . .. .  in the futuuuuuuuuuuure
166: Yourself: as far as im aware no165: Aliens: yeah probably164: Heaven: i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing163: Hell:i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing162: God: only to blame them for stuff161: Horoscopes: yea theyre fun to read160: Soul mates: ehehehehehhe fun in fanfiction and would greatly b ok with it irl159: Ghosts: who else would hold my hand at night...... not even a ghost :) (but yea i do believe in them when i grow up i wana be a ghost)158: Gay Marriage: why wouldnt i believe in gay marriage 157: War: what is it good for156: Orbs: borb155: Magic: i like magic so i will believe in it [ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: yes153: Drunk or High: probably high i guess152: Phone or Online: ONLINE151: Red heads or Black haired: black haired 150: Blondes or Brunettes: BRUNETTES dude blondes r ok but i personally like darker hair149: Hot or cold: hot148: Summer or winter: SUMMER I HATE WINTER SO FUCKIGNT OASJKU*($@IRWJKOSDIUOKLJEZUDIFLK:LDSK:LKF:LJIODSKZVDJFKL mostly becuase i hate being cold and i hate snow becuase i have to shovel snow and its so cold147: Autumn or Spring: either one 146: Chocolate or vanilla: choc o late145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: apples143: Curly or Straight hair: curly but i guess straight is ok142: McDonalds or Burger King: burbger king good milkshakese141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: idk uhh milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: pc139: Flip flops or high heals: neither......138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly and rich i can just buy surgeries to make me prettier lmao137: Coke or Pepsi: coke136: Hillary or Obama: i dont wanna answer this :(((((( i dont like being bullied135: Burried or cremated: cremated babye put me in the flames ;3c134: Singing or Dancing: i like singing i like dancing i like trains 133: Coach or Chanel: what132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are these people131: Small town or Big city: im just a mere small town babye ;3c big cities sound scary 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target has the good cheeseballs129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: i only know adam sandler128: Manicure or Pedicure: i dont do my nails 127: East Coast or West Coast: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh both are coasts126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday i get more gifts then uwu125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: disney because idk what six flags is isnt it a restaurant or something123: Yankees or Red Sox: a baseball bat [ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: what is it good for!121: George Bush: idk 120: Gay Marriage: yeah gay rights119: The presidential election: im not that into politics so i dont understand the elections and i dont think their fair since i get all my facts from adam ruins everything this isnt even a joke118: Abortion: pro choice i dont giv a crap about some lifeless baby. its only alive if it can properly move its arms or cry or feel.117: MySpace: haha dead116: Reality TV: idk 115: Parents: theyre parents 114: Back stabbers: ow my back113: Ebay: website.... money112: Facebook: lizard man111: Work: what110: My Neighbors: idk who they are but my old neighbor was one of my best friends i should talk to him this summer109: Gas Prices: probably too high108: Designer Clothes: clothes107: College: something i dont plan on going to any time soon106: Sports: something i dont plan on doing any time soon105: My family: a family104: The future: spooky. very scary. idk what my job will be[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: idk (update it was today)102: Last time you ate: 4:13 ish i made ramne101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: i duno100: Cried in front of someone: today i suppose i almost cried???? maybe my dentist appointment a few weeks ago??99: Went to a movie theater: lego movie 2 i think98: Took a vacation: 6th grade im in 9th grade now its been like 3 years97: Swam in a pool: over 1 year i dont go to the pool anymore96: Changed a diaper: NEVER AND I NEVER PLAN ON IT95: Got my nails done: i duno94: Went to a wedding: i also dunno its been too long93: Broke a bone: not that i can recal92: Got a peircing: never and never will91: Broke the law: i duno90: Texted: just now i told my mommy to pick me up it wasl ike 1 hour ago[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: me88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my momy and nibsy and jax and probably zach but he’d already move out by the time i leave87: The last movie I saw: i dont remember probably lego movie 2 or osmething on tv86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: next year drama club85: The thing im not looking forward to: dying?????? idk man 84: People call me: moto moto (not really idk what they call me)83: The most difficult thing to do is: the most difficult thing82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never though i probs will someday81: My zodiac sign is: aquarius sun leo moon aries rising80: The first person i talked to today was: probably kiley79: First time you had a crush: kindergarten i think78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: myself77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: idk76: Right now I am talking to: nobody 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: *has a crisis over my future plans as i do not know*74: I have/will get a job: im gona work at target or burger king next year maybe it depends on if they like me73: Tomorrow: 5/20..............72: Today: today71: Next Summer: in a theater near u70: Next Weekend: my first summer weekend 69: I have these pets: I ALREAD YSAID WHAT PETS I HAVE I LOVE NIBSY WITH ALL MY HEART and jax with some extra parts of my heart68: The worst sound in the world: a sound67: The person that makes me cry the most is: me66: People that make you happy: me65: Last time I cried: ealier today64: My friends are: online63: My computer is: on62: My School: is a school61: My Car: nonexistent 60: I lose all respect for people who: are really mean and seem to hate people for being happy. people who make jokes that make me uncomfortable. i generally avoid them.59: The movie I cried at was: all of them58: Your hair color is: brown57: TV shows you watch: idk56: Favorite web site: idk probs youtube55: Your dream vacation: nowhere 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: A FEW WEEKS AGO I GOT STITCHES IN MY MOUTH AND IT REALLY HURT UGHGTUERIJOKFLDc53: How do you like your steak cooked: edible52: My room is: a room51: My favorite celebrity is: myslef..... just kidding idk any celebs 50: Where would you like to be: where i am 49: Do you want children: no 48: Ever been in love: hoo ha hoo ha i duno how love feels exactly47: Who’s your best friend: MY BROTHER46: More guy friends or girl friends: guys i think 99% of my friends are my brothers friends so45: One thing that makes you feel great is: being happy44: One person that you wish you could see right now: nobody right now but sometimes kiley43: Do you have a 5 year plan: 5 years??? haha no i only plan on using savings accounts to make a bit more money and MAYBE moving to kiley but idk for sure since i like my parents and my brother and my parents plan on driving around in an rv but idk man moving to another state would be HARD and im kinda lazy and i’d have to get a whole new driver’s license 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no41: Have you pre-named your children: lmao all my ideas are jokes40: Last person I got mad at: probably myslef39: I would like to move to: my bed???????38: I wish I was a professional: personer. talker. socialer. [ My Favorites ]37: Candy: probably snickers or a salted nut roll36: Vehicle: big car. tahoe shape. tahoe size. idk. something like a tahoe thats my only reference35: President: I Don’t Care34: State visited: probably florida its the only one of 3 states i’ve been to33: Cellphone provider: what32: Athlete: WHAT31: Actor: idk 30: Actress: idk29: Singer: not me? me? idk28: Band: taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally hall??? ? ?? ? ?? ? ? ? I DONT KNOWIJ DSKJZLFKSJKLDSHDLfjklskl;fdkl;sfk;laf 27: Clothing store: i legit have like no faves god this is the hardest part26: Grocery store: target probably25: TV show: maybe the simpsons???24: Movie: idk ive seen a lot of movies23: Website: one of them22: Animal: one of them21: Theme park: universal studios20: Holiday: none of them theyre all ok but ??? meh19: Sport to watch: none.18: Sport to play: idk i dont like being competitive but??????? gym class is a fun sport! :)17: Magazine: none of them16: Book: one of them15: Day of the week: wednesday sounds like a good day. maybe sundays. 14: Beach: what13: Concert attended: frankly the only concerts i’ve been to are my own12: Thing to cook: probably ramen11: Food: cheeseballs??????? burger king milkshake, a drink?10: Restaurant: buuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrger kiiiiiiiiiiing?9: Radio station: 101.9 kelo eff emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm8: Yankee candle scent: what7: Perfume: what6: Flower: what5: Color: red or purple4: Talk show host: wha
3: Comedian: i duno2: Dog breed: one of them1: Did you answer all these truthfully?  yeah i tried but i kinda gave up slightly after i came back from a graduation party though i also kind of gave up from the start so
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emoali · 2 years
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Friday🔴
I feel like i just want to go because his parents are always fighting
This morning Irma was being to aggressive with Ernie and the dogs
Idk how many times IV said we need to get out of this house to Brian
Its a mind fuck.... Happy one min... Angry the next....
My environment is stressful...
It's effecting my relationship
Then last night we were watching a fictional show... I say wow these are the worst kinds of people... He agrees and takes it to that next level... Yeah they need to be dragged to the streets and then there mothers need to be dragged out and shot.. Iv said to him before like Briannnn why do you take it to that lvl... Its scary but im not scared of him...its more unsettling...
When I came in wanting to vent about Brian and my situation I was hoping to just get and idea on how to cope in such a stressful environment... But it ended up being a whole thing now...
Something that kinda bothers me is that he uses the bathroom with the door open and so do his parents...
When things dont go as planned I freak out...as u know I hit myself when I thought I wasnt going to get this job... So now my whole lofe isnt going as planned and it's freaking me out...
I hate the way he chews his food 😠
He told his parents he did the online interview already I knew deep down he didn't so I asked as he was eating... "I about to do it right now"...
Instead of studying interview tips...
Hes studys Diablo....
Idk if hes doing that kind of stuff when I'm at work but I highly doubt it...
When I was crying hitting myself because I didnt get this job he wasn't putting anymore effort than what hes doing now to get a job...
I remeber telling him that he should take this job thats showing him how much I wanted him to get work... And I still ended up getting back to work before him...its been a month now and to see that he still hasnt gotten an interview...
That should be eye opening...
I worry that he'll get a job before jan 1 Nd then I wont have an excuse to leave...
But at this pace I dont really have much to worry about... I'm sure he'll get a job before Jan but fuck this Hurts to much...
Its like iv taken the rose tinted goggles off and I dont like the view... It Hurts so much... It feels like someones dieing
Living in the twilightzone haha and just as doom and gloom things seem...
Brian start putting on his suit for the interview and he's stuggling because its my shirt and he Hurt his hand ✋ on the fan I couldnt help but laugh but I also tried to take care of him and baby him.
We tried on another shirt and I tried to build him up by giving him compliments and kissing him fixing his tie and his shirt but it didn't work so I pulled out a shirt I know he looks good in told him to try it on he was immediately much happier we put on the necktie and I fixed it up I also fixed his bun and buttoned up two shirts up because his fingers were hurt. He said that he didn't want to do it today that he would do it tomorrow morning first thing. I told him that would be good and he could go for a little walk to get himself pumped up and then shower and get the interview over with tomorrow first thing.
I didn't want to give him any bad feelings I wanted to make sure he was okay because interviews are intense
After he felt a hundred times better he looked in the mirror after I got them all done in his suit and he got emotional... He said he had forgotten how good it felt to wear a suit and that hes able to see the realtor and salesman again. He said that you had forgotten after a year or more with swearing t-shirt and gym shorts. I was happy to see that he was emotional and excited for the future. He was also looking in the mirror saying how he wants to eat better and lose weight there was no motivation. For how long he will be able to ride that motivation we'll have to see.
I also asked if he had been preparing for the interview somehow mentally and he said that he's been doing a lot of mental preparation for the interview so all I can do is believe him...
At dinner we all sat at the table and ate a nice home cooked meal with the TV off... As nice as that sounds I knew something would off put me...
They were talking about the neighbors and mentioned this lady who needed to leaver her husband and I almost cried
They started talking about Tyler and him moving to be a travling nurse and bringing Peyton...he didnt even call her by the right name he called her page mutple times.
Then ernie started talking about how he is still mad at Lexa and how he was supposed to get grandkids this year...
Then he started going down the line
(By this time Brian was already done eating his dinner was he cleaning up...no)
He starts talking about Eric and whats hes up to and how his life is fucked up
Brian consoles him with a pat on the back saying hey dont worry no regrets
He states that EJ will never give him grandkids... That leaves Brian and I... He doesnt say anything because he knows it just makes me uncomfortable and there nothing we can do right now...
He sighs and looks down and says that hes upset he will never have grand kids..
Im not done eating but I get up before I have to sit at that akward ass table any longer...
I dont want to a baby maker...
I don't want to be the reason why someone doesn't feel like their life is fulfilled...
Thats the kind of pressure we get all the time...
But its like at some point you have to understand that its not a motivation question to ask when something's going to happen it makes me sad... Its a constant reminder that im not where I thought I would be...
I get that they have invested in me and Brian becuase yes we did want that at one point...
But I was young and full of hopes of being rich in real estate... Things change... And I dont really want kids anymore... I want to travel...and chill lol
Brian walks into the game room as im writing this and says "hey bubba" and "Heyy" were used to sweeping these things under the rug...
And licking eatch other wounds... No more! I tell him! Its a constant reminder that we didnt achieve our goals when we wanted and I dont need that stress in my life... Brian has put me in these awkward positions before... He never sticks up for me or us.... And that Is unattractive...
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ts-akhmim · 4 years
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Episode 3 | “It does not look good for our tribe. Honestly, we suck... Really bad. ” - Duncan
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The way I absolutely flopped at that puzzle… this is why I’m a Beauty cause a sis ain’t smart to complete a puzzle and I’m not brawn-y enough to do well in a challenge hgjfdk BUT that being said, Hagthor beat the thots and apiss and I couldn’t be any happier! I do wish Brawn lost over Brain but yknow, you can’t have everything go your way (‘: it’s funny how I slayed the last challenge and flopped this one tho like a bitch really lacks consistency huh ghfjndmks
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Heading into a second tribal council, there is becoming less and less room to hide. I am struggling to hold my own against the other tribes when it comes to competitions, but thank goodness it's a numbers game. If everything goes accordingly, I am taking a backseat this vote and allowing a 4-2 vote out when it comes to Trace. I appreciated Duncan coming to me with the alliance chat information with him/Scott/Trace/Isaac, but didn't like how Autumn needed to tell me first. Shows that I really can't trust Scott/Duncan after a swap comes up. In regards to Scott, he outright didn't say anything. I like him and all, but it was a slimy move to say the least. He only said something because he HAD to vote out someone in one of his two alliances. This group will be dumb as hell if they let me swap. I'll flip on them as soon as possible and invite anyone into my alliance. The tribe swap is where I made my 'Slithers' game infamous last time, so I'm hoping for a similar output. Don't forget: I swapped with the minority last time in Guyana (shout out to Jess), so I'm not worried about the numbers and how its split. ALL I NEED IS A SWAP OR TWIST. GET ME OUT OF HERE. 
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Wow we’re really flopping this challenge huh! I really hate this as a group challenge bc we wasted so much time believing in an algorithm that doesn’t even work! 
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okay so i again filmed a video confessional while walking the dog which i WILL eventually upload i promise hosts BUT. this challenge was literally torture, staring at the excel spreadsheet was so draining. TJ did so much work for it so I really really hope we win he is so sweet i was real mean to him at the start for truly no reason NNN i really really want the beauty tribe to go to to tribal, or the brains lot again i guess? i dont really wanna go to tribal even though i think Liam M is the easy vote? i'd rather not. i just feel really drained after that challenge i wish this confessional was even a little bit exciting im sorry hosts
i feel like i underappreciated dan as an ally?! the more i talk to him its like hmmm we vibe and we have similar energy? like i get very different but good energies from all of dan, jake and jordan! which i love, like i feel really good about them all. like what's reassuring about dan (and this sounds weird) is he feels fine complaining about others to me in pms? like jake does the same and that makes me feel really reassured trust wise - like i would never talk negatively about another player to someone i distrusted tbh... so i feel really good about that! i feel like particularly in a maybe swap i'll really bond with whoever i get to swap with even MORE. idk i just feel good about this brawn tribe still i don't want to GOOO.
okay so yesterday was... eventful! i watched the sequester mini with jake which was super fun and then right after... he cracked the tomb and i decided to tell jake about my idol. have i had it since day two? yes. but i told him i found it during the mini so i wouldnt seem sus. i dont regret my decision (so far at least anyway JKASD) because a) he cracked the tomb and immediately told me b) i think he is loyal and particularly since i told him i can and will idol him like i dont think he has incentive to leak my idol unless it comes down to lategame and he wants to blindside me but i don't see myself being able to hold onto the idol until that stage anyway! but yeah so jake knows about my idol so i'm hoping i can use it to my benefit, or to save him because i'm really invested in his success this season. maybe we are gonna be the two brawns at the end woo and tony style even tho i think i'm probs the woo nnnnn
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Trace went home and that is yet another potential connection I could’ve had in the game GONE… like the Brains really wanna see me flop huh! It’s interesting that it was 4-2 vote tho like it has my overthinking self spiraling lowkey. I do really feel for the Brains having to lose twice though like I’ve been on a flop tribe before and morale is always low so my heart goes out to them and I hope they beat Brawn xoxo 
This challenge? Literal homophobia! Like I love unscrambled eggs and I want my eggs cracked by VARIOUS men but this was not what I had in mind (‘: this challenge being my alliance + AJ is interesting as well considering that AJ was the one person I haven’t established a game connection with but I do really like him. In a way, I do think him participating in this challenge is the best thing that could’ve happened to his game since it allows him to build more connections with others? That being said, Connor on the other hand… is disappointing me in a way like the king isn’t talking much or doing much. If he has personal stuff to attend to, I completely get it and he should focus on that first but I do wanna know so I don’t assume he disappeared yknow (‘: but oh well !!!
I do think me honing in on the fact that Kendall and I are two peas in a pod in this game has her really thinking that which is awesome! I do adore that girl but I gotta keep an eye out (for Selener). She did tell me that her goals this round include the following 1) Set up an alliance with us + Austin, 2) Get AJ to be our alliance’s fake 5th, and 3) Get out Adam. While I am glad she told me all of this, I’m just very cautious of her connections? Austin and I are super close and he likes her, that’s fine. My thing is with AJ because while we were calling, I did pick up on the fact that those two have played before and whatnot so who knows. I’m just a naturally stressed person so ye !!! I do really like Adam though so I hope we don’t lose at all (‘:
I hate myself for being on a call for 9 hours in this game ghjfkdls but that being said, I do genuinely love everyone on this tribe and the thought of losing makes me super emo because I feel close to every person here in one way or another. It’s a dilemma too because us winning this challenge would be ideal but if we do win and Brawn goes to tribal, the Beauty Tribe becomes public enemy number one in a swap scenario because why wouldn’t the other tribes wanna get rid of the tribe that has the most members yknow? It’s a nail-biter regardless ;-; 
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https://drive.google.com/file/d/1fpSJvDJxy38LcRI4MjwzIa64zT_tytXC/view?usp=sharing
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So I'm not surprised that we lost AGAIN! Lowkey I feel like I did everything during this challenge so not only do I feel more defeated, but I'm annoyed that not too many people contributed. Like I have to constantly ask people how they're doing in the challenge, and they provide me with NOTHING!! And I'm tired of voting people out :/ Anyways, I feel like voting out Isaac is a dumb move for my game going forward, because Duncan/Autumn are clearly a duo. Duncan even said to me that he wouldn't mind voting out Devon if we needed too. If we don't swap next round and lose again, I have the feeling Duncan and Autumn are going to try and pit Devon and I against each other. I like to think they'd choose me over Devon since I don't have any connections to anyone. The smart move would be for them to utilize Isaac and blindside me, but I like to think they wouldn't be doing that anytime soon. I feel bad voting out Isaac because I know how much he hated being booted early in Malaysia. So to do that to him again is really sad to me. I would try to convince Devon to split up Autumn/Duncan, but he's all about the 4 going forward. Everyone is and as much as I love the 4, that type of game is boring. Idk maybe my style of gameplay is different than theirs. If I see that I'm in a sinking ship, I make sure to grab a life vest and swim to another boat. I don't sit on the boat and say "okay, time to drown now". Luckily none of them know me for the numerous times that I've flipped on alliances before. If we do swap next round, my plan is to remain loyal to whichever brain is on my tribe. However, this won't stop me from trying to make connections with people from other tribes and making new alliances. If I need to ditch my brains to solidify trust with my new tribe, then that is exactly what I am going to do. In the event that I do leave tomorrow, this game was fun! After being out of the tumblr survivor community for 3 years, I don't think I'd come back for a future org/season because the amount of stress i've been in this past week is more than I've endured with online learning since corona came to town. Idk I wouldn't be surprised if a #blindside came my way.
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it's only day 7 and we havent even been to tribal yet and we STILL arent going because we won again, and im already going off the deep end like am i crackedt?? what the hell is happening on this tribe like am i the quiet one or is there just a collective quiet going on since we're just sliding through the game rn?? im not gonna lie it's kinda boring... it's getting weird.....the fact that there's an idol just looming around and someone has it and isnt telling me is making me crazy, and then to make me even more crazy i foolishly decided to sit out of the challenge today, i knew i probably wasnt gonna be good at anything with the letters all jumbled together, im just being real so i decide to spare my tribe and myself mostly the misery and sit out, i dont want to be perceived as weak completely and be voted off right now for it, but i do want to start to make sure people think im not that good at the challenges so i dont have a target going foward- also, im really just not good at the challenges. BUT apparently everyone was just like on a call together all day because of the challenge and obviously i couldnt be in it so :// my own fault! i didnt think it through completely and luckily we won, but if we hadnt, i mean... a day long on/off call is more than enough to bond over and pick a first boot from those not in it, but aj updated me on everything and at least according to him, my name wasnt mentioned and they were mostly working on the challenge and discussing white men, so that means i didnt miss much! im still working day by day on trying to water my relationships with everyone and make sure theyre ready to bloom into my little alliances once its had enough time to absorb all the sunshine i naturally radiate!! However.... others arent doing the same gorl.... like connor, literally messaged me out of the blue just to have a conversation and when i tried talking to him he stops messaging me right away ... like hello is it something i said?? i literally feel like parvati when she was going is it me?? am i being punkd??? also tried talking to kendall again today, i do enjoy her i will say she's growing on me but as of now she hasnt responded to me yet, which is ok since i never respond to anyone either oop hopefully its just not everyone vs. adam already in other news i guess a swap could be coming?? i really just dont want to be on a tribe with jakey because im not ready to dig up the hatchet from cvc lets keep it buried please!! unless he's completely forgotten that and wants to work with me and be my shield again but um... dont think he'd be up for that! im here to play a NEW game not my old one, in any case, no matter what happens i feel like as long as i have any of my fellow A name sisters- AJ, Augusto, or Amir with me, i could possibly be fine... i dont think Amir was really playing me anymore either like i did yesterday smh i think that was just a tangent of paranoia my mind created (maybe ..) 
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I feel like we have to be swapping tonight like this brains tribe has lost so many challenges in a rwo, that ifit wasnt planned i feel like the hosts have to be like "put it in sis they movin" Im gonna spendthe rest of the of today working on my relationships with the rest of my brawny boys, so no if we do swap, on matter what configurations it lands on I should have options. Still dont know jac shit about the tomb and that is bothering me but thats a problem for another day.
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Well, thank god that we were able to pull that challenge out. I knew if we lost it that my ass could potentially be on the line given how large of a role I played in organizing that challenge, so it would have been sad (and hella scary) to have lost that. But I do think I've shown that I can be a valuable asset to this tribe now in the event that we somehow stay in tribes for another round. I'm anticipating a tribe swap here this next round, so I kind of just need to prepare to meet some new people and hope that I'm on a tribe with some people that I've gotten along with. Ideally, I'd have Jake with me and we'd act as if we weren't that close, but I'd be happy to see basically anyone but Liam there with me. He's a great guy, but I know he doesn't trust me, I know I don't trust him, so I really don't want that to be my only lifeline on a swap tribe.
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okay so in the event we swap out of the brawn tribe tonight... which would be TRAGIC i wanted to do an in memoriam of apis 1.0! TJ - i was SO rude and wrong about him! he is genuinely so sweet and lovely, and super hard working. i think he would be a good one to swap with, it would build our bond and he is a challenge workhorse! i hope he isn't mad at me for my round one confessionals, just know tj that i was WRONG and that i was the clown! Lovelis - I get really good energy from him but we also... never talk so idk where I'm getting that from? I think he is definitely going to be a casualty of the swap, I see him definitely getting picked of? Which would be sad! idk we will see Liam M - He is really sweet, but we also talk super infrequently? I feel like he trusts me which is good?! But I think he is definitely gonna go premerge unfortunately just since he isnt super active? we will see ahh Jordan - I really like Jordan i think he is great! we are working together but something about his energy has seemed... off recently? and jake has noticed the same thing and idk what to do with that it just seems off? idk i feel like we potentially are gonna drift apart as allies which would be a shame! Dan - I really love Dan, he has such good energy which I really vibe with him? I think I kind of underestimated his potential as an ally which I really regret I like him a lot tbh.. I'd like to build that trust further for sure, he just gives off such good ally energy Jake - ahh yes have left my favourite for last. ugh i love jake his energy is the best and i trust him 100% unequivocally. he knows about my idol (may've kept it a secret for two rounds but i told him eventually which is what counts jasldfkas) i want him to succeed in this game so badly, im really hopeful for him to SNAP also quickly about the brain tribal, i just hope isaac/autumn/duncan are safe. those are my only preseason connections and would kinda love to see any/all of them in a swap situation tbh i think i want that devon slithers man gone he seems sneaky (is it just because slithers sounds like a snake yes)
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It’s been way too quiet around here so I’ve accepted that Duncan/Autumn/Devon/Isaac are all voting me out tonight. Devon keeps talking to me about the swap and really emphasizing about it, so I get sketch vibes from that. Plus that Duncan/Autumn duo is very strong so it makes sense for them to want to vote me out. Plus apparently Isaac is writing my name down tonight so... it’s been fun! I enjoyed my 7 days that I spent here and can’t wait for the perjury trip with Trace and Bodhi 🥳🥳🥳
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Lowkey kinda bummed we won this challenge. Which probably raises a few death flags but whatever. I would have liked to put our alliance to the test before a swap :/. It also would have been neat to have the fucking idiot who voted with Trace as a spare vote, now they are definitely going to get fucked. Luckily the challenge provided some new optunity for alliances. For starters we can make a natural extra alliance with AJ without drawing conclusions to a mysterious third faction. Even though Connor did jack shit... I'm not bitter just... disappointed. :/
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PERIODTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, WE WON HOES! Like I am incredibly shook that we won because I was ready to jump off of a ledge hgfjkdl so yay for that! The Brains lost and I really do feel for them but Brawn winning makes our numbers equal and the Brawns are more threatening overall so that should mean that Brains would want to work with us in a swap scenario yknow? I’m just shook I’m on the winning tribe ghjfdks
Now that we won, I SHOULD be chilling right? Well, I hate myself so I’m not doing that one bit. I am deathly afraid of a swap next round because the makings of a swap are all there (a flop tribe that needs a swap to save them, us being at 18 people is perfect for 3 tribes of 3, etc). I’m scared I will get swap fucked in some capacity so I’m just aaaa. That being said, I do want to make sure I leave on amazing terms with everyone before we swap in case I am separated from anyone or I join some of these legends on a new tribe. 
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honestly, our tribe has been pretty much on a high. our most recent challenge seemed like something tailored for us to lose, and while i was nervous for a second, we were able to best the brains tribe and send them to tribal for the THIRD time. (i really thought they'd have that one in the bag!) i feel sorry for those nerds, they just can't catch a break :( but seriously, the challenge itself really opened doors of opportunity for me in the game i feel. me/kendall/amir/augusto were on call from 11AM est to the time challenge results went up.. and it was an experience. we all got along pretty well and put our braincells together to get through that challenge, but their company was what made it worthwhile! connor was also participating in the challenge, but he didn't really do anything. although i know he's been pretty busy lately so i'm not too bent about it and completely understand, just wish he said a little more in the chat other than the two messages he did! i think what i'm preparing for right now is the swap. i really wanna cement solid relationships and allegiances with the people on my tribe as we anticipate going into bigger tribes as of next round or the round after. i wouldn't mind just staying on this tribe, though. our dynamic is great, the people are great, and we're even better in competition. there's really not much of a loss there if you ask me! 
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So in the past 24 hours I've worked my ass off to try to get Autumn and Devon to vote with me against Scott and/or Duncan and I'm not getting my hopes up. Like everything they've given me has been so vague and I've tried to go the extra mile to try to get Autumn and Devon to trust me. I think I'm going home tonight and if I do that's tragic but not exactly a #blindside. It might be my curtain call but I hope I at least made them doubt each other. 
Also #FuckThoth, Jess rigged me out
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Me waiting for tribal to happen: https://66.media.tumblr.com/c327b3a59ef66f9835241d079c1fbe39/tumblr_n20f10EtZH1rkuhmio2_400.gif
Me if I make it out alive tonight: https://media1.tenor.com/images/664df9da1de6fb8913ff67b2ca8234e0/tenor.gif?itemid=16269462
 Me if I get voted out tonight: https://media.giphy.com/media/aUW1R5qccvQ3K/giphy.gif
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I HATE IT HERE I WANNA GO HOME!!! I feel like the underpaid babysitter that the parents forgot about cause these boys are triiippppinng. I’m selling the vote so well to Isaac I actually wanted to vote Scott with him and I was going to but my damn alliance has him secondguessing and now everyone is all misty eyed about being split while Isaac is panicking so the solution is a CALL. Even though we call EVERYDAY so there ain’t shit to talk about??? Isaac has been blowing my pm’s up all day so no sir, no farewell calls. My emotional energy has been spent for the day lying for 6 hours straight thank you very much. Scuncan and Devon need to cut the melodrama out cause we have a whole game left?? So we will see each other again??? And if we don’t, we don’t. Also we could not get swapped tonight??? So simmer down. The Lord NEEDS to take me cause I can’t do it. Everyone needs their hand held and their feelings coddled and I’m tired. Less  kumbayah, more playing Survivor 
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So we won again! I felt terrible in our challenge chat because I really couldn't get my head around the patterns and shit everyone else was doing, honestly hope they don't see general weakness in me because of it.. I'm good at like, everything else, but I dunno, this season's just not been looking favourably on me yet. After the flag incident and then that challenge, I feel like I probably am in the most danger, and I still don't know what to do about it except spam everyone all the time in hopes they feel some social tie to me... I hate it here I rly do. Hopefully we'll start to get more comps I can excel in because so far it's been flop after flop and I rly hate to see it.
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Not AJ telling me that I am the person he is closest to on this tribe… I’m crying ugh, I feel so bad for wanting him to leave first like I didn’t get to know him well until recently but I really do like him… why was I blessed with these iconic people on my tribe? Game aside, I do like them all and want them to slay in life <3
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I'm so screwed if I don't win this immunity challenge. I know I'm a weak link, so if I don't win this, hopefully *dan* doesn't either cause I might have to target him to save my skin. This is where I'm really gonna have to be social over the next day, cause my ass is quite literally on the line right now. I'm not getting 18th-16th, screw this.
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Okay I’m gonna say it, I love my alliance so much.I will not play with my heart and I’ll kill them if I have to but I really really really don’t want to, I obvi love my alliance with Augusto, Kendall, and Connor so much, but i will not play with my heart and ill backstab them if i have to but i really really dont want to. I would also like if adam austin and aj were safe. I really really like adam a lot. he is a fking sweetheart, and hes so funny. Austin is also great and super genuine and kind. i feel bad for calling him boring earlier, and aj is just funny and cool in general. the best case is we never have to go to tribal and i get to keep my inbred nocturnal intoxicated-at-all-times tribe members here. I am gonna need as many of these people in the game as possible for the swap and for the merge, and if we end up do having to go to tribal, I will do everything in my power to keep the tribe from getting divided, because we're gonna need each other to take down the brawn tribe.
I want to be tight with every single one of the beauties because a swap is likely coming and I need them, and the biggest issue rn I see moving foreward is if brawn and brain align, so we must snatch the brains first. every one keeps talking about being stumped about the tomb and I just keep lying DKNDKDNDD but I am lowkey scared they know I’m lying 
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dearsadgoat · 6 years
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recovery
recently, there was a major fire in my city. a little before the fire happened, i went through probably the lowest point in my life i’ve been in thus far. it culminated into one night of forcing myself to break down a number of walls and fake fronts i put up around me. these stood for about 5 years.
during that 5 year period i lied to myself and tried to trick myself into thinking i was something else so i could fit in with my rapidly changing friend groups, both online and in real life. i started distancing myself from a number of things, including shows, interests, and friends. i pushed away mlp for fear that my friends who were now falling out of it would ditch me if i were still into it. i pushed away my desire to learn music because the relationship between my brother and i only got worse as high school went on. i pushed away old friend groups for reasons so stupid i dont remember anymore.
instead of doing videos for fun and my own enjoyment, i started making them with the intention of becoming popular. i was never good at those and i wasn’t willing to learn to make myself better because i only wanted the success. the worst part about this was the fact that i did it for so long i managed to make myself believe that this was what i wanted, to be making low effort gaming videos on youtube well past its peak. because that’s what I thought I was going to “make it” doing. it should be noted i pushed away a group of youtuber friends before this, who may have been able to talk sense into me.
to this day i have only met one other person who makes videos.
fast forward to a few months ago. back in june, i started a new job, the one im currently working, doing lifeguarding at a pool. in july, my friends and i did our annual trip to anime expo, and aside from some incidents it was fun. i went on vacation with my family to arizona, and we saw a number of beautiful sights. i enjoyed it a lot.
however, this is the end of the fun.
anime expo, as always, brought me the panic of being around so many people. it isn’t the volume of people however, im relatively comfortable in a crowd. its the idea that i can look around in any direction and see people probably way happier and in better places in life than i am. look one way, i see a group of attractive people in cosplay that’s way better than mine. look the other way, i see a group of friends all laughing and clearly have shared interests, unlike my friends where we all have kinda splintered tastes so we don’t spend all the time together at conventions.
i spent a good amount of the convention wandering it with my friend mike. we went as Haru and Rin from Free, him being Haru, me being Rin.
around that time i was having major self image issues. i gained a good amount of weight the months prior, and i couldn’t lose it no matter what i tried, and consistently going to the gym, doing workouts given to me by professionals showing me no change killed my motivation. i couldn’t get myself to even go anymore come june.
so when mike was stopped by 10+ people (i stopped counting after a while) for pictures and to compliment him on his cosplay, meanwhile outright ignoring me, i started feeling like my image issues weren’t just “in my head” like i’d been told. despite this i tried my best to ignore it and move on. except i couldn’t.
the other cosplay i did was a crossplay of Mako Mankanshoku from Kill la Kill. I actually had the right length/hair color for Mako’s hair, so I saved money on a wig and got it cut like hers. the hair actually looked fine in context of the cosplay, however the cosplay in the context of anything was atrocious.
i couldn’t fit into the seifuku i bought, despite being sure to buy a size much larger than what you’d expect. trying to ignore my brain telling me im a fat fuck i improvised with a white shirt and a light blue neckerchief. with the wrong color shoes, basic shirt, neckerchief, basic skirt, and my hair cut instead of a wig, i was the definition of awful cosplay.
i hyped up finally being able to crossdress in public to myself for months. i’ve wanted to crossdress publicly since i was 15. at no other convention in the past did i have the courage. i got rid of pretty much all body hair, and upon finally being able to do so, i thought it was everything i wanted.
looking in the mirror showed me i was nothing more than an ugly fatass trying to look cute. i was the fucking person people at conventions take candid photos of and post on tumblr to make fun of. im sure im gonna one day come across a picture of me in that “cosplay” accompanied with some text about how embarrassing i was.
so with now both my cosplays fun sucked out of them by myself, the rest of the convention went on, but i couldn’t fully suppress the idea that i was unhappy.
the arizona trip i’ll save for another post, it’s a complete offshoot with it’s own backstory.
these are nowhere near all of the events i feel caused enough problems for what happens later, just the major ones. also there’s no way i can write every single thing that’s happened to me and contributed to my sad demeanor over the last 21 years.
after that though, the rest of the summer is a blur, i dont remember anything i did, and i don’t remember starting school again. i just know i’ve been going for almost 16 weeks now.
for some reason, a lot of things that didn’t use to bug me have been bugging me. stuff that I thought i’d grown accustomed to seeing, like the ever poisonous anti-male rhetoric that this site likes to parade. i’ve been on tumblr since i was like 13, i’ve seen it, i should be used to it and know to ignore it, right?
i guess not. every post i see related to something meant to make me feel shitty for being a guy takes another chip at me throughout the day. despite my best efforts i can’t forget them.
i just don’t have the energy to put up with stuff anymore, and it really feels like im out of energy to put into caring about things. i’ve been feeling like this since the beginning of the above five year period of not knowing why i wasn’t happy with what i was supposed to be happy with.
eventually we get to one saturday at work. two pools are being used for an event, the third is being rented out for a kids birthday party. im on the tower supervising the party when my best friend kaylie comes to rotate me. we chat for a sec, and as i start to walk off, she says my name. i turn around and she points at the water. no more than 3 feet from where im standing, two kids are wrestling in the water. except they weren’t wrestling for fun, they were wrestling to get on top of one another and drowning each other in the process. mind you, this is the deepest part of the pool and it’s only like 4 1/2 feet deep. I slide in, hoist up both of them, and launch into the caring procedure bullshit.
i get them out, tell kaylie im going to get a towel, and eventually other guards start asking me what happened. all of the sudden people are toting me as being a hero for making my first rescue withing my first year. you’d think that’s something to be proud of, right?
yeah you’d think that.
i felt nothing. all i had was that i was doing my job, and if it were like ten seconds earlier kaylie would’ve got them. i didn’t do anything special.
of course that ended up as a conflict in my mind, and on the way home i bought alcohol and spent the night drinking alone.
fast forward a few more days, and i get home from work. it wasn’t a particularly hard day, or any major thing happened, just a lot of small little things that chipped away at my patience, a few comments made by coworkers that really weren’t asked for, and this and that ultimately led to me driving home at the end of the night upset.
i get home, and think to myself im going to unwind with some video games. i dont remember what happened or what i was playing, but some major thing happened that led to me calmly turning off the game and turning to my computer to stare at it for the next two hours, only occasionally clicking to something new.
nobody tells you what it’s like to break. partly because, they cant. the way i see it everyone breaks differently. every breakdown i’d had up until that point had been loud, angry, and full of jerky motions through teary, blurred eyes. they were like someone kicking over something i was making in one fell swoop.
this time it felt like i watched someone pick away at the foundation until it all started to slide down like sand.
i broke, at first without tears, questioning what i was doing at that moment, and what i was doing in general. nothing made sense. my head couldn’t keep a thought for a moment. i felt like my chest was caving in. i didnt end up eating anything that night. i honestly can’t describe how i felt and what i did, it was such a blur.
i started going on a nostalgia scavenger hunt. something i had seen recently drove me to want to search out the mlp meetup group i used to be a part of. i found pictures of me and my friends at different events back in 2011, 2012, and i started doing what i can only describe as motioning a whimper. as in, whatever you picture when you think of whimpering, only without sound.
I saw pictures of me being happy, truly happy. i hadn’t been truly happy in the last 5-6 years since these pictures were taken. at least not for more than the occasional time.
as if on queue, a friend from one group of friends i changed myself to fit in with messaged me. i asked him if he wanted to take a trip with me, and i spilled everything.
i confessed to being a liar, a poser, a shitty person who couldn’t even tell his friends that he wasn’t everything he said he was. i told him at one point in my life i had actual ambition and ways to achieve success outside of being the scummy piece of shit i’d become when i became friends with them. (please dont misunderstand, they’re good people, i just had a warped sense of what i needed to do to be their friend back then)
he let me angrily type and rant and have a major breakdown to him without interruption for almost an hour, and finally he paused me and started trying to talk me through this.
after he gave me his piece on the matter, i turned to another one of my best friends, jacob. jacob was one of the irl friends i went to meetups with, and we’ve been friends since middle school. we’re closer than anyone else i know i’d bet, even closer than kaylie and i.
because of time differences, our conversation lasted the next two days, basically telling him everything, that i wasn’t happy with myself, that i haven’t been happy with anything for a long time. the only thing that mattered to me in his response was that nothing was different between us. he said he was going to a therapist soon, and said that i should try it. i have not, and i dont plan to for fear of what i might find out. still, everything he said i took to heart and i thank him for it.
at this point, i decided that i could fix all of this, that i could make myself someone i’d like to be. i was going to work hard and no matter what i wasn’t going to break like that ever again. nothing was going to stop me, no matter the odds.
someone up there must love testing my patience.
a week later, the fire happened. within the span of an hour i had gone from coming home from a test, to helping my mom with the recycling, to rushing home because the sky over our house was brown. the next few hours was me running on no food, a sweaty, ash-covered mess, to get everything of importance out of the house. everything that was too hard to replace was taken. as painful as it was it meant leaving behind just about everything that had value to me, as i took only the things that mattered in a worldly view, not a personal view.
God listened to my prayers that day, and the fires burned half a mile from my house, but no closer. The trail i walked a thousand times growing up was no more. it’s about 4 houses down from mine, to give perspective. everything was black and soot, trees stood with burn marks and missing leaves. The creek was dried up. everything is a mess. i walked out and took pictures of it a few days after, just for memory sake.
that day was a test to see whether or not I was actually going to keep my word. i didn’t break that day, despite wanting to often, and i did what was most important for my family.
since then, i’ve shuffled around a lot of different aspects of my life. a lot of things are changing, and im not comfortable with a lot of them. however, these are good changes. i have to make myself uncomfortable to be able to find what i belong to once again.
and i hope and i pray that this is going to be the time i prove to myself i can break out of this
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birdhug · 7 years
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reflections on my first year of being fully vegan
july will mark one year of me deciding to go vegan so i thought I’d just write some blurbs of stuff ive learned and ways ive grown!
my tastebuds totally changed!! there are so many more foods that i love now that id never thought id enjoy. (particularly soy milk and tofu) this is something that i dont see a lot of people talk about irt veganism but its totally significant. i love veggies so much more than i thought i ever could.
that being said apparently i cant tell the difference between soy milk and dairy because a barista accidentally gave me dairy in my coffee once and i didnt notice until a bunch of sips in that they didnt put the little “S” on the cup over the milk check box thing so ummm thats weird. i havent had dairy in nearly a year but okay
ive realized that there can be people who are usually rational and value objective truth but then they open their mouth on vegan issues (being a nonvegan themselves) and they sound like complete simpletons. (didnt david attenborough, when asked why he wasnt vegan, say something like “you cant feed lions grass”?? lol ok)
yeah when i was a vegetarian i liked being able to just go to tim hortons whenever and get a donut, and i do miss that convenience. but the fact that i cant have donuts or chocolate bars all the time means when i finally do get to have a really delicious veganized dessert, its ten times better and more special
kinda related, im generally WAY better now at just having the presence of mind to resist food that i want to eat in the moment. i used to just gorge myself at parties and stuff and feel awful afterwards. now, whether the food is vegan or not, i can resist it if i know itll make me feel like shit later Even if it would make me happy in the present
ive decided i want to pursue a career in dietetics :)
ive realized why i care so much more about animals. its because i realized that humans hold so much power over every single animal in the world, and throughout history weve largely used that power to kill and mistreat them. i really think in this day and age its our responsibility to use that power to do the best we can to help them. they are at our complete mercy.
i realized that we as a society have been conditioned to see animals as objects first, and living, feeling beings last: their images are used as mascots, symbols, toys, we watch them for entertainment in zoos, marine parks, circuses, we watch cute videos of them online, and we have trained ourselves to see specific animals as food, despite the only relevant difference between a dog and a pig being our arbitrary societal categories in which weve placed them.
ive come to think of caring about animals as “widening my circle of compassion”. and i think its extremely healthy for others do to the same, because its made me just more empathetic to all creatures, human or otherwise, in general
i am...So lucky. my mom was vegan for 4 years before i made the full switch so i was already eating vegan meals most of the time. all the groceries in the house are vegan. all the restaurants we go to have substantial vegan options. and i have someone close to me that i can talk about this kind of stuff with. but there are so many kids my age that want to go vegan more than anything that have to deal with an unsupportive family and i really feel for them. & i honestly dont blame them at all if they just want to give up or succumb to the pressure of their family. please, dont risk your mental health. take care of yourself first and do what you can.
i used to feel like its pointless going vegan because nothing is ever going to change but like. now that im exposed to the community and veg related news is coming my way i feel SO much more hopeful for the future. so many more people r going reducetarian, corporations are investing in vegan food companies and theyre absolutely blowing up, the dairy & meat industries are starting to panic. were not going to see instant change but like...shit is happening folks. keep fighting the good fight.
ALSO i used to feel so hopeless about climate change. like when i was taught about in school there was no actionable advice given? it was always like “uh yeah were all gonna die. recycle and walk to school i guess” but knowing how much an impact cutting animal products out of ur diet makes only motivates me to do more! (yeah it may seem small but its better to think of it that way rather than “weh theres nothing i can do so i might as well not do anything”)
i know that theres a large percentage of vegans/vegetarians that “go back”. so how can i say that i wont??? i feel really confident that i wont because its just so....easy for me now. you see that most people start eating animal products again because its too inconvenient for them but Honestly after living in a vegan household for 5 years and having access to all the information and resources that ive had...i really cant possibly imagine a good excuse. it just comes so naturally to me. its so fucking easy. boff future-me upside the head if i ever voluntarily go back
in conclusion this is the best decision ive made & its changed my life in a major way and ive never been happier about my choices in life...and ummmmm thats it. please consider reducing your animal product consumption to whatever extent you feel comfortable. it would mean the world to me
& id really appreciate if you didnt reblog this!!
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#74 (#2) 1:59pm July 14
-October 22 2:56pm Eh, today had been a bit better compared to other days. I realize I’ve been lazy and haven’t been writing much on here. I will promise for now on, it has been pretty rough since last Friday since my sadness hit on of it’s lowest points again. Blegh, this year I’ve lost more than what I’ve gained so far. I don’t plan to live long if the trend continues for the rest of this year and the next. I miss all my close Xbox friends, it’s my fault I’m currently avoiding them. I think they’re happier without me and their happiness is all I care about (for the most part). On the bright side, I’ve managed to get some inspiration to continue my skills on guitar, drawing and ‘’singing’’ (I can’t sing). The motivation came from a reference from an old movie which ‘’predicted’’ October 21 2015. (Back to the Future 2, 1985) The actor who played the crazy scientist recorded a video containing these words: ‘’Great Scott! If my calculations are correct, it is now precisely October 21, 2015. The future has finally arrived. Yes, it is different than we all thought. But don’t worry. It just means your future hasn’t been written yet. No one has. Your future is whatever you make it so make it a good one.’’ His last words probably hit me more than others since I love ‘’Back to the Future’’. It’s one of my favorite movies. I recently watched ‘’Bridge of Spies’’ this past weekend. I thought it was a great movie, especially for not making the Russians the ultimate bad people during the Cold War. (Movie set during the height of it). Asides from movies, I’ve managed to gear from my gf’s voice after weeks of not hearing it. It stuck me to my heart to hear how depressed she was.  Thought the call cut out, I was able to treasure the bitter sweet voice I was able to hear. Like always, she’s my everything. I just hope she can beat her illness… -3:31pm -October 27 7:32pm Today’s the day of my 33rd monthly anniversary with my gf! Plus, today is when Halo 5 is finally out after all these years. I might get it tonight or tomorrow I cant wait to play it. Aside from that I’ve been having a rough week. Ive gotten so much of tests and homework, I’m pretty sure I’m off to a bad start. My depression loves to get the best of me. Sometimes I think my life is useless and Ill never be good enough. Suicidal thoughts? Yes, plenty of them as each minute fades to the past. I’m still waiting if life really does get better, things have been pretty flat with some downs. I still feel numb from the constant bombings of my thoughts. I’m still unhappy with my life, not even improving in my hobbies. I play guitar like a child, I sing like a whale and my drawings would be great to be used as toilet paper on how crappy it is. Ugh, at least all of my friends are doing well. Sosa (basically only school friend) has been doing great since he’s been hanging out with this one girl. She sounds pretty friendly from what I’ve heard of her from him. I’m just concerned things might go wrong between them, resulting them to not to speak to each other (Im sure they wouldn’t have sex, she’s a lesbian, at least for now).  I hope the best for him. He’s a great guy for certain. I don’t know how my other friends are doing, I haven’t talked to them due to my ‘’exodus’’. I hope they’re all okay. Lastly, but for best, I THINK my doing fine. Depressed, still? Yeah. Busy? Yeah. Do I still love her? Always and eternity. Happy 33rd anniversary, my love. My everything… 8:00pm P.S. = Te amo
- November 4 7:12pm Well, this week has been alright. Anyway! I got Halo 5 and beat the campaign on the same day. My opinion for the story: It was alright, I mean, some parts were just great, yet I think the story could’ve been so much better. Cortana… Ugh, I’m speechless, I can’t believe what happened to her. She didn’t seem right when she first appeared. She changed. It pains me to know after what Master Chief tried to do to get Cortana back, he couldn’t. Cortana went off her own path on what she thought was right. Master Chief asks ‘’Where’s Cortana?’’ Spartan Locke replies ‘’She’s gone. He stares at Locke with his broken visor. Then, Cortana causes havoc. More scenes passes by, then the credits. The music plays on only to leaves us guessing what’ll happen soon. (Break) -11:16pm. Well, I forgot to continue, woops. Ill write more soon. I have a lot in mind at the moment. - November 11 6:20pm
Ah, this day had been lonesome. Monday and Tuesday has been alright. Yet, Tuesday after school I realized something. I’m worth nothing. Ugh, I’m basically depressed. On Xbox, Stori has been distant. It’s like she doesn’t like my presence anymore. She’s been hanging out with ‘’Skitz’’ and ‘’G’’ (both Xbox names just shortened) so much. I don’t understand why. I understand G is online all the time and so is Stori, but I guess G has convinced Stori to get away from me. G and I haven’t talked in weeks., he’s a horrible person. If only Stori would notice, it bothers me greatly. I know G wants me dead, he told Seeker and Stori that I should commit suicide. Ugh, he disgusts me. I don’t plan to talk to him, but Ill do it if it prevents me from losing Stori. As of now, my best friends are Seeker, Dj, and Sosa, the school friend. Skitz and G can just be gone, they’re rotten apples to me. Useless and unwanted, I despise them immensely. It’s blatant that G hates me, you can feel the vibe of it. Well, sorta, I’m just exaggerating here. My gf says just to give it time. Which I will, since I can’t be against what makes my friend happy. I just miss Stori and Dj and Seeker being around. Nowadays, it’s just me all alone. Sosa is suicidal, but ‘’his’’ girl should help out a lot. Even though she’s a lesbian, things can change. As for my Erin (GF), she’s doing just fine. I still think she’s fine without me. I still love her. All the time she. She’s my universe. Yeah, she’s happy with me, but I feel I’m not good enough. I never have felt it, I’m nothing. Hell, I haven’t done anything that adds worth to me. Everyone else is just better than me no matter how little they try. I’m invisible, I’m no one and nobody. Suicide has been constant in my mind, but I live for others. Ill keep living until (Break, mom’s here, 7:01pm) 10:43pm They’re all gone from my life and gone from their thoughts. As for now, they’re here and I should enjoy their presence while I can. They’re family. MY family, the one I always wanted… 10:46Pm P.S. I had no school today.
-November 13 6:43pm
Each day of each hour has its sweets and sours. Days and nights where they feel the same. Today is bittersweet. I’ve managed to speak to my Love on Skype. She’s perfect as always, I love her greatly. She’s still largely insecure about our love. She feels like one day Ill send her a breakup text, which will never occur no matter what situation. I love her. Before that, she was talking about her being pregnant with triplets, in her dream. Saying how it went and how our family was there, both friend and biological. She spoiled me with kisses as we  chatted, she’s just perfection. I could never ask for more, only for us to be together soon. T took some screenshots to store the memories for the near future. Yet, as of now, I’m lonely. Erin is off doing something and I’m alone on Xbox as well. A couple of minutes ago I’ve been noticed that France is under terrorist attacks. It’s so interesting to know how everything can change so easily in just one hour. I’m afraid what will happen afterwards especially the refugees. I know most Europeans will be swayed towards anti-Islam thinking gen realizing the enemy and hurting the innocent. I’ve observed many tragedies, I hope this doesn’t lead them to chaos. If it does, time will tell. The choices of the people will determine the future of a country. As for now, I guess I’ll have another lonesome Friday. As my friends have fun, as my love carries on, I’ll be here. Hoping for the best in each of us. 7:05pm
-November 17 10:52pm
Ah, Im here doing homework Ill probably sleep at 12. Quick review of this week from last Friday/ Terrorist attack on France, soon later saw ‘’Forrest Gump’’ for the first time. I loved it. Saturday, I managed to get close to Stori on Xbox. It was just her, Seeker and me. She told me how G was still angry at me from a long ago event. She’s been trying to think otherwise. Plus, she reminded me on how Im still important to her. Oh, before that Seeker and Stori got into a small brawl over her different laughter which he wasn’t used to. Though it kinda killed the party mood, it soon recovered. I just feel bad for Seeker since I’m the only one that knows him seriously. As he said, being a jokester causes people not to take him seriously. He’s a great gut, I just wish he was valued more by people. We all stayed up to around 4 A.M. . It  was great, also my GF called on Skype to 3:11-3:13 to 3:14-28 Am. She mumbled mostly through all. Sunday was all work. This week has been okay besides having a lot of work to do. My Gf and I talked again which made me very happy. She’s perfect. Well, I need to focus on my work now. I’m so sleepy… 11:10pm
-November 24 12:55am
Ah, what a pleasant week it has been Friday. Guitar playing, gaming on Xbox One, talking to my Perfect Love and best friends, as well as drawing. I, for once, feel like I’m making progress in my life. Maybe Ill start writing a song since my mom has been awfully occupied with babysitting. Yet, it leaves the place to me. I don’t mean that as a selfish way, more in a way to be able to express what I love to do. As of now, I’m listening to ‘’FoxBoro HotTubs’’ which is basically ‘’Green Day’’ under another name. As nerdy and childish it sounds, I hope to be as great as them or even more. I love their songs as most would already know. I most certainly would cherish in being in a band and becoming a songwriter along with a couple of hobbies on the side. Even though I contain no pride or self esteem, it’s still something I want to go for. If I’m not able to reach that dream, then I’m not sure what’ll become of my. I’m sure I’ll be married to the girl who I love now, Erin. Skyping her for an hour was fantastic, 11:32pm-12:33pm. She makes me feel complete and I fly with joy knowing she’s beside me at all times. She’s perfection. Aside from that, I’ll update my family. Stori has being doing great compared to her bad things. One of her best friends has come over to visit her for the week. As from latest knowledge, they went to a birthday party. Bubba has been doing just fine, nothing negative that I’ve seen. He’s still trying to get his Canadian girl named Cristina, she’s sweet and happy usually. I wish him luck, even after about one or two years chasing after her. I introduced her to Bubba way back on Xbox, first met her sister then Cristina on GTA V on the Xbox 360. Anyway, Sosa has been doing well, I think. I texted him a bit today, still with his ‘’French’’ girl. Rose is okay, I sadly haven’t talked to her much. I plan to talk to her more, I don’t want to lose her. She means too much to me, she’s part of the family. I’m doing a drawing for her to cheer her up. She’s okay, but not well. I want her to know that I’m still beside her in her hardships. We’ll that’s about it. I’m off to play some Halo 5 or Black Ops 3. I desire for days like this are soon to arrive. 1:45Am
-3:26pm
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