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a-dragons-journal · 3 years

Note

Hi! I was scrolling through the otherkin tag (as one does) and saw on an ask you answered that you hated DNIs and didn’t want to go into it on that ask. So I’m curious now- why do you hate DNIs? I don’t have a DNI, and I’m not out to try and change your mind. I’ve just never seen anyone say outright that they didn’t like DNIs, so I’d really like to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

I ended up indeed going into it later, because people kept sending in asks about it, so this tag exists now, but in summary:

- I don't necessarily hate the existence of DNIs, because they can be a useful tool in certain circumstances, but I hate that they're starting to become an expectation/requirement and that it's now considered "creepy/suspicious" in a growing number of communities to not have one. It should not be an obligation to basically list your political stances, discourse opinions, and triggers - you know, things you can be attacked for/people can use to hurt you - in any circumstance, least of all on the Internet where anyone can see it.

- For that matter, putting a list of things that can hurt you in public where anyone can see it and know exactly how to target you if they want to hurt/harass you is a bad idea, whether it's a social requirement or not. Full stop. Unless you are in a relatively small group where you know the intentions of the people there (and often not even then!), it is not a good idea to tell people how to effectively hurt you on the Internet.

- I hate it when people put "[x bigoted group] DNI" at the bottom of actual discussion-type content posts (as opposed to, like, aesthetics and stuff), such as people putting "TERFs DNI" at the bottom of posts about feminism, because a) if you're worried about your post appealing to that group, maybe you should reexamine your post's content, b) I've seen firsthand more than once that those groups, TERFs especially, will purposely put "[x] DNI" at the bottom of their crypto-rhetoric posts in order to turn people's critical thinking skills off and make them more likely to accept the crypto rhetoric (foot-in-the-door tactic), and c) even if it's not intentionally malicious like the last point, it still makes it so the OP's post is suddenly immune to criticism, because "hey this comes off a little transphobic" can be met with "how dare you call me a transphobe?? I said 'TERFs DNI' right there!!1!", which, again, has to do with the whole "turning people's critical thinking skills off" problem.

- On a similar note, I hate this recent trend toward performative activism and "racists/transphobes/homophobes/etc. DNI!1!" feels like another permutation of that; I don’t like people demanding/expecting me to announce all my political opinions right out the gate. It should be my decision whether or not I want to share sensitive information about myself (and if you’re scoffing at the idea of a political opinion being “sensitive information” - if it can get you, again, harassed and attacked by a complete stranger, it’s sensitive information).

- People seem to forget that people can, will, and do lie on their DNIs and bios. Predators will lie about being "under 18” in order to make minors they’re interacting with feel safe and let their guard down. TERFs will lie about “transphobes DNI!” to ensure their crypto rhetoric spreads and gets a foot in the door of trans-supporting people’s thought processes. All “it’s to let the people affected by [bigotry] know I’m safe,” which is something I hear sometimes, really means is that the bigot in question only has to put up a DNI to make the people they’re planning to target lower their guard. There is nothing guaranteeing that someone actually believes what their DNI implies they believe. It’s an illusion of safety that just doesn’t - and, really, can’t - exist on the internet, by the internet’s nature. And people thinking they’re safer than they really are is what gets people hurt because they stopped being careful. I’m not saying people need to (or should) live in fear, but relying on DNIs is not a sustainable solution, imho.

- I hate people using DNIs/BYFs as an alternative to blocklists because it often becomes essentially them forcing other people to curate their internet experience for them, and then getting mad (or hurt) when that doesn't work out for reasons that should be obvious. Especially when you take it to the extreme of trying to regulate anyone who reblogs your posts, which I have seen sometimes - you can't seriously expect people to check the OP of every single person whose post they reblog to make sure they agree with your opinions on fandom discourse; that's untenable and it can only lead to people getting hurt. You are the only person who is - and the only person who can be - responsible for your internet experience. Curate your own space.

- as a minor point, "standard DNI criteria" is becoming a popular phrase and it's frankly a useless phrase because there's no such thing. Beyond "racists/homophobes/transphobes" there's literally no telling what a given person includes in what's "standard" - pro- or anti-ship? SFW agereg/petreg blogs? DDLG? Steven Universe fans? inclusionists or exclusionists? There is no "standard." (But then, I feel like how common that phrase is becoming says something about exactly how performative and empty the trend of DNIs is as a whole at this point in time.)

- also as a minor point, I am frankly just not a fan of how often DNIs put things like "Steven Universe fan" and "neonazi" right next to each other like they're the same level of bad. I recognize consciously that this is not the intention, but it sure does come off that way sometimes. It reminds me a bit too much of those callout posts that have six pages about the person's bad opinions on anime or whatever and only then go "oh yeah and also they sexually abused, threatened, and sent their friends to harass a minor and we have screenshot evidence of all of that. anyway here's three more pages about why their art is bad because they drew a 16-year-old in a crop top one time".

And, let me be very clear here: I do not hate people who have DNIs, nor do I want to act like they're never useful. They are, sometimes! But I do feel they're being misused and they're starting to become an expectation and that's a huge problem, for the same reason that people trying to force everyone to put their age/basic personal information in their bios is a problem - it's a safety concern. I am honestly convinced that at this point, in most circumstances, DNIs are doing more harm than good.

If you want to use a DNI, that's up to you, and it's not like I'm gonna harass people about it ('s why I started that "dni critical" tag, so people could who don't want to read this stuff could avoid it) - but I want people to at least understand the risks they're taking depending on how they go about it. If it's useful to you, then good, I'm genuinely glad! It just concerns me how it's being treated by the larger Internet right now.

(And, of course, that's all just my personal subjective opinion - take what you like, leave what you don't. You're more than welcome to disagree with me; this is not a make-or-break argument for me, just one I have strong feelings about xD)

#dni critical #rani talks #asked and answered #dragons-singing-softly #that was probably more of a soapbox than you bargained for sorry fbdklgjsf #do not @ me about my fandom examples i just grabbed random controversial ones off the top of my head #if that's what you prioritize out of this whole post you have entirely missed the point

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genderfluidlucifer · 3 years

Text

Response to being asked to give an opinion on Connie’s calout by residentevil-4

(Tw: CSAM, rape fic, incest fic, predatory behavior, racism, ableism, kink mention, nsfw mentions. Minors should probably dni.)

“Connie and I know each other irl and went to school together for 3 years, although they now live in a different state and have cut contact with me. We went to a private therapy school in Manhattan as we're both disabled and were deemed unable to attend public school. Even though we were pretty close, Connie didn't like having photos taken of them, so I don't have any selfies of the two of us; however, these are from our sophomore and senior yearbooks which at least confirms that we were in the same year at school. People who have seen Connie's selfies should be able to confirm that that is what they look like. First and foremost, Connie is not TMA. They are intersex and the two of us have discussed intersex issues both in person and online, but they are still decidedly CAFAB.” Ok so first off, I want to address this part of the callout. To be honest...was it really necessary to literally doxx Connie ehre? Because this textbook definition of doxxing. Yes Connie’s done some shitty things but I freally don’t think that what they’ve done warrants this level of doxxing. Or...even better, any doxxing. This feels like a really unnecessary breach of privacy, revealing sensitive information on Connie’s childhood that they choose to confide in you with. I really don’t agree with this aspect of the callout as it feels very invasive and bordering on stalkerish. Btw when I say bordering on stalkerish I’m not directly calling you a stalker Bonnie. Just so we’re clear. I am not defending Connie supposedly faking being TMA. Because faking being TMA is a very serious issue. HOWEVER since I don’t know Connie irl and to be quite frank it’s none of my business what the nature of their agab is. Were not close and I’m certainly not going to like lead Connie onto thinking we’re friends just to confirm this with them because that would be creepy. So to be honest I’m going to take this part of the callout with again of salt for now.

[ID: A cropped screenshot of a numbered list Connie posted to their blog hadrosaurs in response to an ask.

“3. I’m TMA And that’s completely irrelevant. I’m not accusing them because of their gender I didn’t even know their gender when they said that to me saying that they said that because they fucking said that and the reaction to it was incredibly alarming. Don’t fucking say that stuff to people.]

I mean I”m not a trans woman so take this with a grain of salt if you want but...I don’t see how this is really proof of Connie being deliberately transmisogynistic? Yes Connie gives iffy retellings of mistakes they’ve made in the past. I’ve seen that on their blog before and I won’t pretend it doesn’t happen. BUT here they sound genuine enough and to be honest a growing issue I’ve seen with callouts as of late is. A person confirms they in fact did not do the thing they were called out for. And then the people who make the callout choose to see it as proof of incriminating behavior anyways. To be honest it’s a big problem and it’s also incredibly unfair to the person being called out. If you’re so determined at that point to see the person as bigoted no matter what they say then of course anything they say can be seen as proof. So I’m going to have to pass on this bit of evidence. “Connie responded: “Final note: I have spoken extensively with several trans women about using TMA to describe myself. I will not be getting into discourse about that on this blog again. All that leads to is people demanding my medical records and calling me slurs. If you wanna have a thoughtful conversation about it direct message me cause it’s not happening again here.” Again this really doesn’t seem all that self incriminating. Connie mentions here that they’ve talked to rl trans woman about whether or not they can be considered TMA. Connie really doesn’t have to disclose that personal information to people for any reason. Yes even when people are e including this ask response in a callout. And considering lots of people DO get invasive about Connie’s medical history ans general personal life over matters like this? I feel their reaction is pretty understandable here. “Connie has constantly compared “exclusionists” (or anyone, really) to TERFs, even when the people in question are not transmisogynistic, trans exclusionary radfems, or are even transmisogyny affected themselves.

“ Gonna have to disagree with this part of the callout too. Lots of ace inclus blogs, even some run by trans women , have proven that the ace exclus movement was started by swerfs/terfs. But the blog that has the most evidence for this is courteousmingler on tumblr. I suggest you check out that blog’s archiving of the history of ace exclus rhetoric before rushing to call me a transmisogynist for disagreeing with this part of the callout. I looked through all of the evidence for Connie being racist and tbh as a black ndn it all feels incredibly flimsy. It’d be one thing if Connie was using their experiences to derail and invalidate the discussions about how black people are oppressed But they weren’t doing that there at all. This part of the post feels incredibly biased. And like OP is looking for things to be mad about. Going to have to pass on this list of evidence. Also uh I seem to recall that residentevil04 got called out for some questionable behavior as well. “Both me (insepsy, hi) and ezrat have had really weird spikes in activity on our Statcounters, both on the same day. (Saturday, 4/17/21) For both of us, majority of the pages looked at by these visitors have been related to or about Connie, or have been posts that Connie would find "problematic" such as the f slur untagged or something related to "panphobia"/aphobia. I’m sorry but...none of the proof of cyberstalking holds any water. Visiting someone’s blogs and rbing posts to disagree with them is not cyberstalking. Keeping tabs on urls that an abusive person who has harassed are using so you can block them (in this case with kyoshi) and warn your mutuals is not stalking. As a victim of rl stalking it’s...really weird to call this legit stalking at all. Much less claim that you have damning proof of it being stalking when no such evidence exists in the callout. Besides after Connie and nonbinarydave called out one of kyoshi’s buddies for sending a death threat hate anon to nonbinarydave’s toddler st4lker partly admitted to doing it a few times. Then other mutuals in kyoshi’s toxic social circle clearly began joining in. Making side accounts where they tried to spin a false narrative of nonbinarydave’s daughter being one of their alters (ableist as hell.) And also trying to do it in such a way that they thought would trigger nonibnarydave’s psychosis (also ableist as hell.) If you’re going to drag Connie for their mistakes and never let them move on from those mistakes then it’s only fair to do that to people you agree with who also do toxic/bigoted things. ALso the fact that your wording here suggests that you think panphobia and aphobia aren’t real makes me doubt this claim even more. Exclus and their allies are notorious for mislabeling inclus disagreeing with them as stalking. “connie said that they would release that info at a later time and the minor began to argue with them that they had a responsibility regardless of their complicated relationship with age. in this argument connie for a time kept their age ambiguous and at one point told the minor (who confirmed in a later ask that they were severely traumatized by adults) that they obviously weren’t traumatized. connie quickly deleted this ask and any mentions of it and the next post they reblogged was about how wrong it was to try and quantify or discount others’ trauma. on my old blog i @ed them in the replies and asked if they had just done that. connie admitted to it and said it was fucked up but quickly blocked + deleted my comment. i can’t remember whether or not connie apologized to the minor, they may have? but yeah. i thought that was pretty weird.”] I do agree with some of the concern here that adults shouldn’t over expose minors in discourse. I’ve been contemplating this for awhile myself. And trying to figure out how to take better steps to avoid including minors who are triggered by discourse in discourse, especially. HOWEVER I have one little issue with this addition to the callout. If that is the case then exclus and their allies need to practice this as well. You cannot ignore the fact that the reason a lot of minors are getting involved in exclus discourse is due to adult exclus and their allies forcing minors to pick a side in the discourse. Y’all are not at all exempt from this problem. I still remember an ex mutual of mine trying to convince a minor to agree that aces can’t face corrective rape. And based on how aggressive it got with me when I tried to avoid giving an opinion on the matter, I can’t imagine that it would’ve reacted better to the minor refusing to give an opinion or to the minor outright disagreed. Refusing to put these standards on exclus and their allies is both hypocritical and quite frankly very transparent. The claims about them glorifying dark topics on AO3 through their fics also seems unfortunately legit. I mean those asks of shaming people who ask their viewers to not romanticize or glorify abusive relationships in their works is very damning. I’m very disappointed to see that Connie has taken being an inclus to the point of validating antis anti culture wholeheartedly. I can’t think of much more to add to my opinion on that part of the callout. As for the issue of Connie interacting with pro shippers in the past, I do know that this claim is legit. I’ve seen it before and so has Breeze. This was why for a brief time we decided to stop following their blogs. Because it was triggering to have pro shippers put on our dash. And sometimes we just don’t feel it’s worth it to always let people we’re platforming know they’re rbing triggering stuff. So sometimes we just quietly unfollow and choose to not interact until we’re sure they’re filtering what they do and don’t rb in some way. I definitely don’t agree with that behavior. And if they’re still doing that I”ll deplatform again. “The anon asks: “A weird question but do you know any other stimboard blogs with your follow criteria? (No radfems, racists, fandom antis, etc.) I was hoping to find more through your “similar blogs” but a lot have no anti-antis for their DNI or allow truscum/transmeds and exclus. :(“

The user responds: “I know of @turtle-pond-stims, @outofangband, and @kinaesthetics! 🍂🍄" “[ID: A cropped screenshot of an ask sent by Connie from their now-deactivated blog, butch-with-a-tortoise.

Connie says: “hey anon I have safe stim blogs. dm me if you want them. And radfems/bigots aren’t allowed to interact. For my own safety (because the community is honestly terrifying) I can’t publicly say on my blogs that I’m safe for proshippers/kinky people but I try to spread word how I can.”] [ID: Screenshot of a post by evilwriter37, which reads, “I’ve been seeing posts about fandom police leaving ao3, and it’s like: Good. We don’t want you here anyway. Go find your own fanfiction site.”

The post is tagged “#Fandom #AO3 #Antis #Purity Culture” and has 87 notes. It was posted on December 21st, 2020.

There is a reply from main-to-outofangband-andothers saying: “there are Silm antis on that site who are against Russigon (Maedhros and Fingon) not because they’re cousins but because they’re both male (coded)”] [ID: A screenshot of an anonymous (though signed off as being from outofangband) ask sent to evilwriter37, which says, “Melkor and Viggo solidarity is ‘Look there’s nothing wrong with keeping my enemy chained up in my personal chambers at all times so please just focus on the war efforts and I’ll focus on the boy* in my chambers’ -@outofbangand.

*boy used figuratively @ antis”

The user responds: “Pfft!!! Hahaha! You’re absolutely right! (And Viggo does refer to Hiccup in canon as ‘my boy’).”] I can’t really say anything to refute this. Because these are all posts of Connie outright stating that they disagree with antis. And not only sympathize with anti antis but are fully against antis. Looks like very damning evidence. Although ngl I’m not entirely against kinky blogs as a whole? Just so long as they truly stay in their lane with their kink content. And don’t force it on others in any way. Or shame people who are triggered by their kinks. It is true that being entirely against kinky blogs no matter what is dipping your toes into swerf rhetoric. Tbh I’m not going to look at the rest. This is pretty much all I need to make a decision on whether or not I”ll continue platforming Connie. Though I will try to get some more perspective from people who I interact with as well. Because I feel better about making a more definitive decision after doing that. Also in general please don’t not try to get an opinion from me on how I feel about syscourse. A lot of the claims about Connie’s age weirdness and them using their alters as a shield feel like syscourse to me. Especially if this callout was written by one or several singlets. Singlets should never be trying to judge how legit someone’s system is ever. Even if their system friends encourage them to. You can call out a horrible person with a system without trying to insinuate that they’re lying about their alters in some way. Doing otherwise is ableist ESPECIALLY if you’re a singlet. Also in general the reason I stay out of discussions of judging how someone is handling their systems is because it’s syscourse and syscourse is triggering for my system and I. If this post was an attempt to get me to give an opinion on the validity of Connie’s system I don’t appreciate it. And I would appreciate not being dragged into such matters again, thank you.

In general there’s like a few parts of this callout that feel legit. Which is unfortunately cluttered with obvious bias and obsessive hatred of Connie. I’m not here to stan or coddle Connie. I know they are not a perfect person. Especially since no human being in the world is perfect. But I feel the way this callout was created was very sloppy since a lot of the evidence was messy at best. And some points were very hypocritical as well as there being some no true scotsman moments from OP. In acting like exclus never do any of the thing that they tried to call out Connie for. Which is behavior that I am not a fan of. This is why people need to be more careful about callouts and like make roughdrafts and have a more unbiased person helping them if they don’t feel they can do it on their own. I’m even trying to make a resolve to do better at that myself. So it’s not like I’m unwilling to put my money where my mouth is. Anyways those are all my thoughts on this messy callout. And tbh I’m not going to get too much more heavily involved in this. Because I need to focus on more immediately serious rl stuff more often, like doing what I can to get out of the hellish landscape of a house I currently am stuck in.

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romolite · 4 years

Text

*Important FAQ*

Aka questions that pertain to what I usually post about or stuff I don’t like getting asks about but continue to get asks about regardless.

[Insert any invasive question about my ethnicity/race]

I’m Ghanaian American. My parents were born in Ghana and I was born here in the US. I’ve seen it more on twitter and tumblr, but Black Africans don’t like me because I’m American, and black Americans don’t like me because I’m African. So I’m stuck in the middle lmao. I’m what you’d consider a First-Generation African, my parents are Continental Africans, and if I have children, they will be considered Generational African Americans.

First Generation African: A black person born in the US to parents who were born in Africa

Generational African American: A black person born in the US to US-born black parent(s)

Continental African: A black person born in Africa to parents who were also born in Africa

Non is just a prefix, black people don’t have a monopoly on the term! I suppose you think nonbinary people are racist huh?

Yeah sure it wasnt coined by black people but the context it’s currently used as was predominantly used by black people. ALL people who are not black benefit from and contribute to antiblackness, even if they are marginalized themselves. That kind of dynamic doesnt exist in other contexts (unless we’re talking about transfem + transmisogyny, but that’s something you’d have to talk to someone who is transfem about. Plus they have their own word for “non-transfem”). Using it in contexts outside of antiblackness is appropriative (Yall are annoying as fuck with the “non-aspec” “non-lesbian”(this term also has anti-bi roots btw) “non-bi” shit etc, stop it. You also can’t complain about the “replacement terms” lumping yall with oppressors when “non-x” does the exact same thing you’re so worried about. “Cis” puts cis gays with cis hets, cis disabled people with cis abled people, cis white people with cis poc, I could go on.)

Plus we’re talking about marginalized groups here. Black people are a marginalized group. Binary people as a whole are not so the term nonbinary isn’t appropriate at all. I dont take issue with terms like “nonamerican” or “nonwhite” because (obviously) whites + americans as a whole aren’t oppressed for being white or american.

Basically using "non-x” in contexts to talk about oppression bad, everything else good.

Follow up: If we can’t use non-[marginalized group], what can we use instead?

There are other words to describe the people you’re talking about

non-transfem- TME

non-LGBT- cishet, or people who aren’t LGBT

non-trans - cis

Black people don’t have a monopoly on the acronym nb! I’ll call myself nb if I want to!

At this point I dont really care, go on your antiblack crusade elsewhere and out of my inbox, I’m always gonna mean nonblack when I use the acronym nb.

And yes, you’re antiblack as fuck if you think black people telling you “nb” stands for “nonblack” is the same as exclusionists claiming “aspec” is for autistic people.

Is x AAVE?

I have a tag dedicated to what is and is not aave and how harmful it is for nonblacks to use aave given its history. I know some things overlap with southern culture but others are specifically for black people. A lot of “stan twitter” language/slang is just repackaged AAVE. No, I can’t tell you how to stop using AAVE. Don’t tell me you’re going to try to stop using AAVE, I don’t want to hear it.

Why don’t you like the n-word being compared to LGBT slurs?

Race and Sexuality/Gender aren’t comparable topics because each deals with a different history of oppression. I don’t care about slur discourse that much because I don’t even use/reclaim any myself except the n-word.

I have a problem with nonblack LGBT people co-opting black culture and struggle(like they always do), especially for trivial online discourse.

And to be honest it goes deeper than slur discourse. Every other day someone is weaponizing the oppression of black trans women, or comparing “cishet aces/aros” in the LGBT community to white/nonblack people invading black spaces (you know, something that ACTUALLY takes resources away from the people who need it, see the cultural appropriation of Black African and Blac American culture in literally any nonblack community while black people get demonized for said culture), or tokenizing their black friends to get away with something blatantly racist. And that’s not even getting into how a lot of gay slang/stan culture is just repurposed AAVE/black culture.

And I’m not gonna lie, I’ve seen this more with exclusionist accounts than inclus accounts, but it’s still not excusable for inclus to do that either. We get erased as black gay/trans/queer/aspec people up until it’s time for discourse accounts to bring us up to one-up each other

Can you give me advice on x?

Most likely not, because I’m not an expert or an advice blog. I’ll try, but don't take my word for it. I’m also tme, able-bodied, not Jewish, singlet, etc, so I’m not able to accurately answer questions about transmisogyny, (physical?) ableism, antisemitism, “sycourse”, etc.

I might be able to give advice on school-related stuff since I just graduated high school, but remember that students are not a monolith, and what worked for me may not work for someone else.

Can I follow if I’m nonblack/a minor/cishet?

Nonblack and/or cishet can follow but watch your step, minors blacklist the #minors dni tag before following

Why do you hate Ao3?

*long sigh*

I don't, I have a problem with the fact that it allows racist and (frankly voyeuristic) pedophilic/abusive/incestuous content to exist on its platform. It’s a good concept overall, but the devs are complicit in allowing “underage” and “noncon/dubcon” fics on their platform.

And there's the fact that they somehow need donations every year despite exceeding their goal several times over each year?

What’s wrong with Hazbin Hotel/The Ships/Vivziepop?

[WIP, as I have to go into extensive detail about this and I currently don’t have the energy for it]

TLDR: Viv made a half-assed apology for supporting racists (one of whom did blackface [yes the mask was used to do blackface shut up] to mock black activist) and drawing gross content. Her current projects including Hazbin Hotel are full of anti-gay/trans/aspec (Angel Dust, Vaggie, Alastor), antisemetic (Mimzy), and racist (Vaggie again, that yellow cyclops character that I’ve forgotten the name of) content under the guise of humor. If you’re into that shit, whatever, just don’t follow me and don’t whine when I make posts criticizing it.

What’s wrong with Hamilton?

Aside from the fact that it’s very obviously glorifying slave owners and made people worldwide believe the founding fathers were good people, LMM, the creator, is nonblack. This isn't his story to tell at all.

Can you tag x?

I have a list of things I usually tag because they come upon this blog a lot. I cannot do catch all tags, as I have way too many followers for that. The closest thing to that is the “ask to tag” tag when there’s something potentially triggering but I’m not sure what it is. Everything is tagged as “x tw”. If something is extremely triggering, I’ll tag it as “major tw”

Do you tag slurs?

I tag slurs I’m not able to reclaim at all (i.e., d slur, f slur, t slur) or slurs I can reclaim but are being used as a slurs. I don’t tag the n-word, as I reclaim that one. I always tag the r slur

Can I message you about something/someone?

Unless you’re a mutual, most likely no. My DMs are only open to mutuals.

Do you want to be mutuals?

I don’t usually follow back people who follow me, especially if you’re under 16 or post things I’m not interested in.

Why is it important to have byf or about?

1) So I know gross people aren’t following me. This is not up for discussion

2) So I know someone’s not speaking out of their lane, which tends to happen a lot. (i.e, someone refusing to disclose that they are tme when discussing transmisogyny, someone not having their race listed when discussing racism)

3) Some people don’t want to interact with people under 18 or over like 30 or something.

Yeah, yeah, people aren’t entitled to personal information and all that crap but I have a serious problem with people speaking on topics from a place of privilege. Not to say they can’t talk about those things, just perhaps add a disclaimer that you’re privileged when talking about these things and be open to criticism, and NOT blocking people of the said marginalized group when they tell you something you’ve said was problematic.

I also have a problem with people who are intentionally vague about their age. There’s a difference between interacting with someone who’s 20 and someone who’s 29. I don’t want to say it’s the opposite for minors but at the same time there’s a difference for saying something racist at 13 and doing so at 17, and keeping your age vague makes it harder to determine how to deal with something like that. (Not that 13-year-olds shouldn’t know better, it’s just I don’t feel whole ass callout posts and receipt blogs are necessary for someone of that age).

Also anyone under 16, I can't stop you from following, but keep your interaction limited, please. This isnt an 18+ blog but I do rb suggestive jokes from time to time

I sent you an ask and you never answered it!

It’s likely that

I never got it

You were blocked

I’ve already answered this or it’s been answered in my faq

It’s a random positivity ask (which I appreciate but not sure how to respond to those)

You were rude in your ask and I didn’t feel like answering

I forgot until it was too late, which happens when my inbox gets a lot of asks at a time.

You sent it to the wrong blog (I.e, sending asks about my ocs to this blog instead of @ochood )

Hey, the op is [insert post] is [someone on my dni]! I usually double-check myself, just to be sure.

Have you heard about [someone who is mutuals with someone I’m loosely connected with]?

Most likely, no. And unless they’re an immediate danger to someone or they’ve got my name in their mouth, I don’t care.

Do you know who [x person/group/thing] is?Most likely no. Not to sound like a hipster but I don't usually keep up to date with trends. If I do hear about something, it’s most likely from twitter or Instagram.

Why am I blocked? Check here.

Why do you continuously move mains/change URLs/update themes?

I’m inconsistent. And sometimes there are posts on my blog that I no longer stand by.

Can I tag you in posts I think I’d like?Of course!

#lite.txt #long post #faq

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ask-an-aro · 5 years

Link

Recently, I queued a post on my blog reading: “Normalize aro people who don’t use the split attraction model.”

Yeah, I thought. Good idea. It’s important to remember that not everyone uses it.

After that, however, I started noticing how difficult it is to word aspec discussions in an inclusive way with that in mind. So, I decided to write an article about it. But, since I do use the SAM, it started to seem disingenuous to do so without asking for the perspectives of those who don’t. So I made a google docs survey. I’m glad I did, because I got a lot of perspectives I wasn’t expecting.

Wait – back up – what even is the split attraction model?

The split attraction model (SAM) is a way of conceptualising attraction based on splitting it up into different types of attraction people can experience.

This is generally talked about as the split between sexual and romantic attraction, but many people also split the attraction they experience into other categories such as platonic, sensual, and aesthetic.

It was created by and for the aspec community, but people who are not aspec use it as well.

For example someone might be bisexual homoromantic i.e. They might experience sexual attraction to two or more genders and romantic attraction to the same gender.

People who have the same romantic and sexual attraction sometimes use it too – because they experience or conceptualise these attractions as separate. For example, it is very common for people to identify as asexual and aromantic separately rather than asexual, aromantic, or aroace as one identity.

However, the SAM is just a model and it doesn’t make sense for everyone to use it. This is not the way attraction inherently is – it is the way it is helpful for many people to interpret, understand, and explain their attraction(s).

So why use it in the first place if it doesn’t apply to everyone?

The SAM is a really helpful for interpreting and explaining attraction. It gives people the language to say: I am attracted to this person in this way, but not in this one.

I actually think it would be useful for understanding and working through feelings for people who aren’t aspec. Sometimes I explain this model to my allo friends when they talk about finding somebody attractive but not wanting a relationship with them, or vice versa.

But for many aspec people, it’s not just useful, but necessary. There is no real alternative for people who experience different attractions to different groups of people. I couldn’t even begin to explain how I experience attraction, being aromantic bisexual, without using the split attraction model.

It’s also a really easy way to explain what asexuality and aromanticism are. While we may not use the term “split attraction model,” it’s become the default way to explain what aromanticism even is to beginners. How else do you explain the concept of a romantic orientation than by opposing it from a sexual one?

If you do experience your attractions as split, the SAM can be a lifeline. Suddenly, what you’re feeling makes sense! You finally have the language to talk about it, and that’s vital for a large part of the community. But if it doesn’t make sense for you, or you just don’t want to use it for any other reason… that’s where we start to encounter problems.

Okay so why don’t people use it?

There are all sorts of reasons why someone may not want to use the SAM.

One reason that I have already alluded to, is that not everyone experiences “sexual and romantic attraction,” but “attraction,” which they may label using one of these terms, other terms, or not at all.

If we forget for the moment that the SAM exists, we might think that the corresponding identity for homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, etc, is asexual. This is how the term came to exist in the first place. It follows, then, that asexual people who don’t use the SAM may view their orientation in this way. The split attraction model then turns this into: “bisexual = bisexual and biromantic; asexual = asexual and aromantic.”

But, the fact that the SAM does exist complicates things. Other asexuals who don’t use the SAM don’t understand asexuality as “asexual and aromantic,” but chose not to adopt a romantic orientation at all, or do not identify with the concept of romantic attraction in the first place.

By the same token, we get people who identify solely as aromantic. This could be for any number of reasons: perhaps because they identify more with that label, they relate more to the experiences of the aromantic community, or they find that the concept aromanticism describes their experiences better.

There’s an assumption that people who identify as solely “asexual,” or “aromantic,” are basically “asexual and aromantic,” but this is not accurate for everyone and that assumption can be forced onto people, which is damaging.

There are also people who use some variation of “aroace” or “asexual aromantic,” as one identity, in the same vein as the way ”gay” and “bi” mean one orientation and not a combination of two. This is likely due to the fact that “asexual” and “aromantic” also exist as separate identities, it makes sense to acknowledge that for these people they mean both.

There are also people who don’t use it simply as a matter of preference, or have specific problems with the SAM, and don’t use it for those reasons. Some of these are:

Don’t relate to/ feel a connection with the language of the SAM

Do experience split attractions but don’t find the way the SAM splits attraction to be helpful

Find the SAM too confusing/ inaccessible

Identify with the aspec community for reasons that the SAM doesn’t help explain, e.g inability to determine between attractions

Okay so some people use it and some people don’t. What’s the problem?

Since the first instances of it’s use, the SAM was never meant to apply to everyone, just to those who find it useful. And yet, because so many people in the aspec community need to use it by virtue of the fact that there is no other option, in much of the community it is treated as a default. Our discussions and positivity posts tend to be based on this model of attraction as a given premise. For example, I recently looked at and reblogged this introductory brochure. I didn’t see a problem with it at the time, and I still think it’s a great attempt at aspec 101. But it largely ignores the existence of aspecs who don’t use the SAM.

I see this as a problem for a couple of reasons:

It is alienating to people who don’t use the SAM. I asked in my survey if aspecs who don’t use the SAM felt excluded in aspec discussions and the vast majority responded “yes” or “sometimes.” As one respondent to my survey put it: this community is “not a monolith.” It is not accurate to treat it as one.

We’re potentially alienating or confusing baby aspecs. If your first introduction to asexuality and/or aromanticism is using a model that doesn’t make sense to you – it might make the community less accessible.

This convention of explaining the ace and/or aro spectrums in terms of the SAM creates pressure for aspecs who don’t use the SAM to explain their identities to outsiders, newbies, and intra community discussions in terms of the SAM when they may not want to.

I don’t think this is an intentional effort to erase anyone. Partly, it’s because when you do conceptualise attraction as split, it becomes really difficult to understand it in any other way.

As well as this, as one respondent to my survey pointed out: it’s a reaction to exclusionists – the discourse around the SAM is exhausting and we’re left having to defend it’s existence. This can make us forget that it’s just an option, and not the only one at that.

Well what do you want me to do about it?

One respondent to the survey suggested we treat the SAM like “queer” in that it’s fine as a personal identity choice and to use about community discussions to a certain extent but to be mindful that it’s not okay to just assume everyone identifies with it. I thought that was a really good suggestion.

I also think it might be a good idea, when introducing people to the concept of asexuality and/or aromanticism, to present the SAM as just one option and not the default. Unfortunately, this has the potential drawback of making introductions even more confusing. We already bombard newbies with a lot of information at once, and saying:

“Well there’s a model of attraction which splits sexual and romantic attraction so if you think you experience one but not the other or both but differently, or neither but differently you can use that OR you might not find it helpful to think of attraction in that way at all in which case maybe just look at a list of labels and check which your experience seems to relate to most?”

Well, it might just end up being more confusing. Personally, I think it’s worth it.

At the very least, I want to encourage people to stop making blanket statements like: “sexual orientations are different from romantic orientations.” Because, yes, they can be. Or they can not be.

Terminology:

Allo: used here to indicate both allosexual and alloromantic OR allosexual as a non SAM descriptor.

Allosexual: the opposite of asexual; not on the asexual spectrum.

Aspec: an umbrella term for anyone on the asexual spectrum and/or aromantic spectrum

Notes:

At the time of writing this, I have only received 22 useable responses to the survey of non SAM using aspecs. This sample is not large enough to represent every aspec who doesn’t use the SAM, and is likely skewed towards people who interact with the aspec community on tumblr, since that’s where I posted it.

One respondent to the survey had issues with my use of the word aspec (on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrum) as it implies there is one aspec community rather than an asexual spectrum community and an aromantic spectrum community.

I used aspec because there is no other word that includes arospecs, acespecs, and aroacespecs who don’t use the SAM and the survey could apply to all of them. I continue to use it here, because there is no other word that includes the arospec, acespec, and aroacespec communities. The fact is that for some people aromanticism and asexuality are split and for some they are not. Some people are in both communities, some are in just one and for some being ace and aro is one single identity that they don’t think of as separate.

Another respondent mentioned concerns about the SAM sexualising queer identities. I have not addressed that here because I don’t feel comfortable mentioning it without clarifying that I don’t agree that this is the case, but I have addressed it on this blog.

I should also clarify that since I do use the split attraction model, while I’ve made an effort to hear from and include people who don’t, it should be noted that my perspective may be biased and I cannot speak for those who don’t use the SAM.

#split attraction model #aro community discussion #very long post #this took me like 3 days #queue

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unapologeticbiroace-archived · 6 years

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youre literally harassing a black person over their fucking opinion on discourse that doesnt even exist and yet you still have the NERVE to wheel around and call yourself a victim because someone told u to go outside.... lmao youre fuckin sick. im done yall - pedokillerginger

Okay, let me just clear some things up:

I deleted the controversial post once I was corrected so as to avoid further confusion. I did not leave it up so anyone else would attack the OP. I did, however, leave up the post in which they said that cishet aces didn’t deserve internet access because IMO that is 110% bullshit.

I’m not calling myself a victim - all I want is an apology for their ableist bullshit. It’s typically not easy for neurodivergent people to speak out about their illnesses/disabilities and for one of us to do so only to have it immediately thrown back in our face while you (general you, not you specifically) laugh and say it was just a joke? Yeah, fuck that. As someone who has lived with mental illness for longer than you have even been alive, I can say that’s ableist as fuck and it will not be tolerated on this page.

As far as me being “fuckin sick” - I think the fact that you chose to send a message (on Anon, at that, because the blog you’ve listed is probably a side blog that you use to hide your bullshit without your friends/followers finding out what a coward you really are) says it all. I put my opinions out there - good, bad, and everything in between. Sometimes I get backlash unfairly and other times I deserve every bit of it. At least I have the balls to speak my truth without hiding behind anon.

Also, thanks for blatantly ignoring the part of my description that says “Exclusionist Minors do not interact”. It’s not like I have that rule in place for my own mental wellbeing or anything - I have it so people like you can blatantly ignore it. It’s how I get my jollies.

#Ace Discourse #Discourse #Ableism #Asked and Answered #Anonymous #Anon #Text

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colorisbyshe · 7 years

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I have two really good ace friends. One is a nb lesbian and the other is cishet. Both of them want nothing to do with the community anymore. Nb lesbian friend obviously hates all the lesbophobia and while they love that asexual is a word that perfectly fits them, they are completely embarrassed by the community. My cishet friend refuses to associate because she's an actually good ally and refuses to intrude on our spaces. The ace community is inaccessible to them.

This is not an uncommon experience at all.

This is why you have a lot of people who are technically ace/aro or “ace/aro-spec” who are vocally critical of the ace community and of total ace inclusion.

In many, many ways the ace community is a toxic place and the people this toxicity hurts is not just non-ace/aro people (including people who are manipulated into thinking they are ace/aro) but also ace people themselves.

Which is why this attitude of “all exclusionists are aphobes” or “anyone who criticizes the ace community is aphobic, even if they’re ace themselves, there are trans TERFs you know” is so harmful. The ace community shuts down criticism at any cost.

And any person worth a damn can tell you that a community cannot be safe if it cannot take criticism to heart.

We have ace people talking from personal, often traumatic experiences within the ace and aro communities being dismissed with jokes like, “Well, it’s not like we held a gun to your head!!” There are many vulnerable people using up their strength to say, “I went to this community at my weakest point expecting to be helped and came out even weaker, we need to fix this,” and being accused of being hateful.

This goes farther than cishet aces thinking they’re queer or even the blatant hatred for LGBT people and LGBT history. This goes deeper than adults in the community “relating” to teenagers about their relationship to sex and talking to them as if they are peers about porn and masturbation and other intimate, sexual details. This is so intrinsic to the ace community that it surpasses the fearmongering–the lies about widespread conversion therapy and the use of rhetoric implying an ace genocid.

This is the ace community shedding its skin as a safe space and reveal that it’s practically just a cult of identity politics. It’s not about making sure ace people are safe, has maybe never about it if we go back to the essay that started it all and we get shit like–

I’m out and proud to be asexual. My people are a definite minority group who wish to be recognized like all the others. We want a colored ribbon, a national holiday, coupons for fast food. We want the world to know that we are out there.

The ace community is about recognition and acclaim. It’s about chants that cannot be questioned–We’re valid; We’re Here, We’re Queer; [Insert Ace Subset] is Valid; We’re Valid and Queer; Queer queer queer; We are VALID! It’s about convincing every possible they’re ace or aro “spec” because those words can mean anything and anyone can be ace/aro if they lie to themselves long enough. It’s about martyrdom as positivity–Lying about non-existent threats and tagging it ace positivity to bring y’all together, building up an “Us vs Them” narrative.

The Ace Community is not a safe space. And it’s more than right or normal for ace people to feel ashamed by being associated with it. Sick to their stomachs. Embarrassed. Confused about whether or not they are really ace because so much of the identity of ace is conflated with actively homophobic, anti-survivor, biphobic, and sexist beliefs.

So, yeah, I understand your friends. And I think they’re right to feel that way. And for more than the reasons you’ve listed. I could listen at least two dozen things that the ace community refuses to acknowledge because it’s easier to hurt the most vulnerable people within the community than it is to admit they can be wrong.

I resent my time identifying as ace, I resent having to spend essentially an extra 5 to maybe 10 years of parsing through my identity and trauma to figure out who I really am once you peel back the ideas and shame the ace community put into me, and I resent the fact that this community would rather accuse someone of being an aphobe than self reflect.

I know I’m going to slammed for comparing the ace community to a cult but when the shoe fits and is covered with cake stickers and “frick frack” shaming…

It may not be exactly true. But the comparison needs to be put out there. I don’t want people to come out of this post with “Ace = Cult” as a takeaway but rather to use that comparison as a way to step back and think “What is really going on here? Which boxes can I check off and how do we fix this before it spirals?”

Because while the ace community isn’t necessary the way the LGBT community is and there is no social capital tied into the identity of “ace” or “aro” as they currently stand, the ace community can be redeemed and focus on doing good beyond repeating the words Valid And Aphobe and REGs until they’re blue in the face.

The ace community can be saved.

But only after cutting this off before it goes too far.

#ace discourse #ace psdljghsdgl #i'm gonna get flak for tagging this way #but i need ace peopel to see this #and realize things can be much better for them #anonymous #q slur //#the ace community consistently uses silencing tactics on actual aces and aros #int he name of moral purity #or at least a facade of moral purity #an di can't fucking stand it anymore

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