#but I also know how depressing that would be and am refraining from it for that reason

[helshollowhalls]

I have some thoughts. On Mysta's graduation. And the current state of Nijisanji in general.

At the end of the day, I am not surprised. I expected someone else to graduate first, hell I even expected Niji to keep more of an iron grip on their money makers aka Luxiem in order to milk them for more cash, but I digress.

Mysta is graduating and it only goes to show that their 'money first, talent... third? last?' approach comes back to bite them in the arse. This might be the potential wakeup call for everyone who has yet to realize that the entire English branch of Nijisanji is crumbling away in record time because of the absolutely abysmal talent management and treatment of the livers.

I refrained from speculating who would be the next ones to graduate after Nina - simply because I will leave that job to the anonymous leakers on the site/platform that shall not be named here. Apparently Shu and Vox were brought up as the potential next people to graduate (this is according to a recent Depressed Nousagi stream but he didn't show any screenshots so take that with a massive bucket of salt.) Mysta was allegedly also mentioned down the line, but he seemingly wasn't the first choice.

Honestly, if you think about it the entirety of Luxiem must be so done mentally. They didn't know what to expect when they signed up to become Nijisanji's first male English-speaking Vtuber group. They waltz onto the scene, explode in popularity all over the world out of nowhere basically and suddenly they're Niji EN's favorite child. The company is milking them for all they have because OH BOI do they rake in the cash - not to mention from a target audience that was completely ignored before in the EN corporate sphere - female viewers.

In a lot of things the boys weren't given any choice. Jazz On The Clock? The first ever second unit song in Niji EN ever and it was released even before their anniversary. With Luxiem being the fourth EN wave in total it felt a little counterintuitive - Wouldn't they start another potential wave of unit songs with LazuLight, their first wave? Well, now that Light Me Up is out and Pomu talked about the entire fiasco of LazuLight basically fighting management tooth and nail to be allowed a second unit song, I think most of us can guess how things are going at Anycolor. And in case you're not entirely convinced, just look at the amount of Luxiem merch Niji has put out compared to any other EN wave.

It's not just JotC, but their anniversary/irl Japan meetup stream as well. That stream was something that personally really rubbed me the wrong way because it felt very inauthentic. It felt like the five of them were just shoved into a room at the Niji HQ to play Smash and do some batsus while the executives and managers proceeded to lock the doors and breath down their necks for the entirety of the stream. The stream had a very different feel to it - Comparing it to other Luxiem collab streams or even other anniversary streams. Management didn't consider it necessary to order Obsydia or Ethyria to Japan and record their anniversary streams at the Niji HQ - Well, that would be because none of them make the company as much sweet sweet cash as Luxiem - Closest would maybe be Selen. And even she has been public about the management fuck-ups - I am talking about her outfit design contest here, of course.

But back to Luxiem. I don't follow them as closely as I used to in the beginning, infact I am only subscribed to Shu out of the five, so let's start from here.

The entire wave collectively tweeted very salty and sarcastic remarks about the official announcement of the EN 3D Live Concert being "postponed due to COVID" earlier this year. But out of all of them, it seemingly hit Shu the hardest. I noticed that he was streaming less and less, infact he still isn't streaming as much as he used to.

Ike... oh boi, where do I even begin. Judging from his spontaneous irl hangout with Vox recently and the amount of projects he has been involved in as a vocal mixer, not to mention his two recent songs of which one is an original, this man seems to be working 30 hours a day and is stressed to the max.

Mysta made his personal situation and his ongoing burnout/lack of goals to work towards very clear in his graduation announcement stream, so I won't go into detail.

Vox has also been streaming less frequently. During the course of his employment at Nijisanji he got diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD (I believe), started therapy and medication, had a panic attack during an ASMR stream, started new projects and also some personal issues in his private life to deal with.

I have to be honest about Luca - I don't really know anything about what is going on with him apart from the fact that he planned to move again and got a puppy.

In conclusion, I could see reasons for anyone of them graduating anytime soon. Management isn't treating them well - Management isn't treating anyone in EN well, it seems - and at some point that fact doesn't warrant staying with the company anymore. Plus, money isn't really an issue for any of them at this point I assume - Especially Vox and Mysta. Both of them have enough money to fulfill their potential aspirations as indies or under another agency or manager.

Infact, apart from a couple of livers I can see anyone graduating next because of how Nijisanji handles things.

Some may argue that it all started going downhill when they kicked Yugo or when Zaion got terminated - Regardless of what you think, at the end of the day, the entire branch is seemingly falling apart right in front of us and Nijisanji's reputation is tanking, especially with the English-speaking fanbase, while Hololive idly sits by and watches the drama unfold.

The consequences of Mysta leaving and the message it sends about Nijisanji and how they treat their livers can't be understated.

#nijisanji luxiem #nijisanji en #niji en #nijien #nijisanji #luxiem #obsydia #nijisanji ethyria #ethyria #lazulight #mysta rias #vox akuma #ike eveland #shu yamino #luca kaneshiro #yugo asuma #zaion lanza #nina kosaka #pomu rainpuff #selen tatsuki #anycolor #en vtuber #vtuber #vtuber graduation #graduation

[ficsforeren]

Our Little Secret - Chapter 4

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Eren Jaeger X Female Reader

Genre: College AU, Spider-Man/Spider-Girl AU, Fluff, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Eventual Smut

Series Summary: Eren Jaeger, a 21-year-old virgin college student who loves his camera a little bit too much, has a crush on you. Every night, he switches on his camera and talks about you but he never could find the courage to speak to you in real life. Strangely enough, he finds it easy for him to befriend Spider-Girl, the crime fighting vigilante, not knowing that you both share the same identity.

Chapter Summary: Forced by his best friend Spider-Girl, the time has come for Eren Jaeger, self-proclaimed campus' hottest nerd, to ask you out on a date and honestly? He's scared shitless. Thankfully, or unfortunately, for him, his best friend Armin Arlert comes to the rescue.

Content Warnings: explicit sex scene (happens at the end of the series, can be skipped if you want), swearing, mentions of characters going through depression, traumatic past events

Word Count: 8k

Poster art by the most talented @rainbuniart on Twitter

Twenty-one-year-old Eren Jaeger has been gazing at the same crack of his ceiling for the last two hours. It’s four in the morning, his body is begging him to sleep, and yet there he is, half-lidded eyes staring blankly into the darkness of his bedroom, his brain running across the universe, thinking:

What the fuck am I going to do?

Times like this make him wish that he had a superpower he could rely on—not to swing from one building to another, not to fly, and definitely not to check out girls’ panties with his X-ray vision (though honestly, if he had one, he’d definitely try to get a tiny, tiny peek of your bra, for, umm, scientific reasons). But no. Eren doesn’t want that. He wants to be able to communicate with God, or Jesus, or literally any deity out there that created him, and ask them, why, God, why am I such a fucking virgin?

Being a virgin isn’t bad. It’s not a sin, not at all. Some would even find him admirable for being able to refrain himself from getting his dick wet because he’s waiting for the right one. It’s the way he thinks like a fucking virgin that he is that’s bad. Because how in the world is he going to be able to ask the most popular girl on campus to go out with a giant nerd like him who hasn’t even had his first kiss yet? Who hasn’t had the pleasure of holding a girl’s hand for more than three seconds long? The last time he did that was during last year’s Christmas party when his aunt Dina took his hand in hers and gave him twenty bucks to get himself a new shirt (only because the one he was wearing looked absolutely horrendous). It also doesn’t help that you happen to be the cutest person in the world—or in his world, at least—with the prettiest smile, with such a pleasing vanilla and strawberry scent that Eren wishes he could smell on his pillow every day. 

So, what’s going to happen now? Let’s say, by some miracle, you agree to go on a date with him, then what? What kind of conversation would he have with you? What if he says something stupid? Does something stupid? Knowing him, he will definitely do. Or worse, what if the date actually goes… well? What if you realize how much he wants to kiss you? What if you also want to kiss him, but you’re waiting for him to make the first move? WHAT IF YOU WANT TO KISS EACH OTHER WITH TONGUE AND EVERYTHING, BUT WHEN YOU BOTH LEAN IN, HE ENDS UP KNOCKING HIS TEETH AGAINST YOURS AND–

Eren can’t breathe. 

Should I just walk up to her? He thinks, fingers tapping restlessly against the ridges of his abs. He never wears a shirt when he goes to bed, his sweatpants always hanging too low on his hips—which is already an improvement, at least, since he used to sleep completely naked. He was forced to change that habit ever since his sibling, Zeke, barged into the room at two in the morning with his phone in his hand, trying to catch him in the act. “AHA! I HEARD SOMEONE MOANING! YOU MUST BE HAVING SEX!” Zeke yelled as he kicked Eren’s bedroom door open. Eren had it locked, of course—he’s an idiot but he’s not that much of an idiot—but Zeke had conveniently duplicated his room’s key without him knowing for this sole purpose of humiliating his little baby brother.

And no, Eren wasn’t having sex, but he was watching someone else having sex through his computer screen. And yes, he had one hand around his cock, his pants pooling around his thighs, the hem of his shirt tucked between his teeth, and his own moan caught in his throat. It was so stupid that Zeke had to barge in right at the exact second he was cumming all over his hand, which made everything super weird ‘cause it looked like Eren came because he was aroused at the thrill of having someone else watching him masturbate and that was really not the case.

“ZEKE, WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!”

“EEEWWW OH MY GOD PUT THAT TINY DICK AWAY—”

“PUT THAT CAMERA AWAY—AND IT’S NOT TINY!”

“DINAAAAA, EREN IS JERKING HIS LITTLE TINY DICK OFF!”

“I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU, ZEKE!”

“BOTH OF YOU, BE QUIET—IT’S TWO AM!”

It was one of the most—if not the most—humiliating experiences he had ever had in his life. Especially after Dina spent an hour lecturing him the next day about, and Eren quoted, “Maintaining high self-esteem even if I am secretly insecure about… a certain part of my body. Small is more. Small is better,” with Zeke standing in the background, shaking his head and mouthing, “No, it’s not. You got a tiny dick.” For the record, Eren does not have a tiny dick, though he doesn’t have a witness that could testify on his behalf. Armin knew, but he’d rather swim in hot lava than admit it out loud. Anyway, knowing how he’s going to ask you out tomorrow, he’s sure as hell he’s going to break his own record in a matter of hours.

He’s scared. He’s so scared of talking to you first and getting rejected second. But his friendship with you—Spider-Girl—is in jeopardy right now. And honestly? This is the kind of push he needs because otherwise, he would never have the courage to ask you out. But it still feels so nerve-racking. Eren would rather jump inside that burning building once again—hell, let him set a fucking camp over there and it would still feel less horrifying than this. 

He switches on his phone. The selfie you took with his camera has been his wallpaper for weeks now, and Eren doesn’t want to even think about how many times he has kissed his phone screen good night. “Look at that smile,” he murmurs to himself, sighing in bliss at the sight of your little grin, so cute and naughty at the same time. “Are you really going to say yes tomorrow? To someone like me?”

Great, now he’s talking to himself as if the last two hours he spent talking to his monitor wasn’t enough. Feeling anxious and knowing how he’s not going to be able to catch a wink of sleep tonight, Eren slides his thumb along the screen, going through his contact list.

“Armin,” he breathes out in relief the second his phone call is connected. “Dude, sorry for calling you at three—fuck, four AM, but I can’t sleep. I need to talk to someone about this.”

For the first three seconds, there’s only silence. And then—

“Eren, I’m gonna fuck you up.”

***

“Armin—Armin, wait—”

You have memorized how Eren’s voice sounds by now—how deep it is, how husky, and how it gets just a little bit high-pitched when he whines after losing an argument. Even when he’s still on the other end of your campus hallway, you can hear it echoing through the room. It’s gradually turning louder as he makes his way toward you. Your heightened senses can tell but you pretend you don’t hear anything, busying yourself by replacing the books inside your bag with the other ones in your locker. 

You can sense someone walking up to you a moment before you feel a light tap on your shoulder. Snatching your textbook, you close your locker with one hand, whirling around to see a young man sporting a bowl-cut and black-framed sunglasses. “Oh, hello. You’re–”

“You don’t know me,” Armin says, his face blank and unimpressed—almost similar to Annie, though his hair seems more golden and greasier than hers. “And I don’t plan on knowing you either. We’re not friends.”

“O… kay,” you respond, both surprised and amused at his quirky attitude. Before you can speak anything else, Eren arrives at your spot with a little “Fuck,” under his breath. You cast him a smile, greeting him with a little, “Hey,” and he panics. 

“S-sorry, this is, uh—” Eren lands both hands on the blonde man’s shoulders, trying to escort —haul—him away. “This is Armin and we’re—we’re leaving.”

“Get your hands off me, peasant.” The shorter male harshly slaps his hands away before he returns his attention to you. “I have a bone to pick with you, young lady.”

“Oh, no,” you say, feigning concern. “What did I do?”

Eren whines, desperately pulling on his best friend's backpack now. “Armin, goddammit, let’s just go—”

“Now, you listen to me, woman.” Armin is unstoppable. “Ever since you came into his life, my best friend has been losing his mind.” He has one finger pointed at your face as he speaks, not caring if he’s being rude or causing a scene in the hallway. “Which is concerning ‘cause he doesn’t have much of that to begin with.”

Eren, with a groan filled with shame, rubs a hand over his face. “Oh, God.” He can try and take Armin away by force, of course, but they’re already garnering other people’s attention as it is. Also, the last time he tried to haul this little chipmunk away, Armin bit his hand so hard, it’s a wonder he didn’t have his limb amputated. 

Plus, Armin is supposed to be doing him a favor, right? Right?

You have a hunch on where this is going but you act clueless to get the most out of your entertainment. And by entertainment, you mean watching Armin embarrass the hell out of his friend. “I’m sorry, Armin, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Eren has a crush on you,” Armin explains, grabbing his friend by his wrist, and raising it in the air. “This is Eren.”

“I’m actually gonna kill you when we get home,” Eren murmurs through gritted teeth, harshly pulling his hand away. He can’t meet your eyes, too mortified to do so. All he wants right now is to be turned into dust and be carried by the wind.

“Nice to meet you, Eren,” you say, almost crooning even, and the said boy gulps, turning crimson from his neck to his ears as he responds with an awkward, “H-hi.”

“Dude, pull your shit together.” Armin elbows him on his side. “Anyway, Ma’am, Lady, Miss, whoever the hell you are. I’m trying to make sure that you take responsibility for this because I want my best friend back. He’s already a giant idiot who can’t even survive the first half of The Witcher without spending all of his potions, okay? Now I don’t even want to add him to my team because he keeps thinking about you during battles and he sucks so much ass, it’s embarrassing!”

You nod, biting your lip to contain your grin from breaking. “You suck ass?” You ask the brunette and he nearly faints from the innuendo. That little twinkle in your eyes… It’s as if you’re asking him what else do you suck in your spare time?

Armin, not knowing when to stop, adds, “He literally called me at four in the fucking morning today just cause he couldn’t sleep, thinking about how to ask you out!”

“ARMIN OH MY GOD–”

“So please,” Armin begs as he pushes Eren away by his face, “Please just do something about it for me, will you? Talk to him. Knock back some senses into him before I do it myself, and I swear to God, I’m ready to get blood on my hands.” Pivoting on his heels, he says, “Now that I’m done, I’m gonna return to my wife and I’m gonna pretend you two don’t exist in my life for the next two weeks. Adios, fuckers.”

Armin walks away with his middle finger pushing back his glasses. You titter, immensely pleased by how theatrical he is. “Has he always been that eccentric?” You ask Eren, who looks just as pasty as the white shirt he’s wearing underneath his hooded peacoat.

“Honestly, I don’t know why I’m friends with him in the first place,” Eren says, mirroring your faint laughter before he turns to face you, his body turning rigid once again as he tries to get past his awkwardness. “So, uh… Armin wanted us to talk.”

“That he did.” You smack your lips, hugging your textbook close to your chest with both hands. “What about you?”

“Huh?”

“Do you want to talk to me?”

There’s something in your voice that makes his stomach act up on its own. “Yes, I would love you—to! I would love to! I’d love to talk to you!”

There’s literally nothing more adorable than how he looks right now. “What should we talk about, then?”

You’re so pretty. “Umm…” I love that dress on you, you look amazing. “I don’t know…” I love you. I think we’re meant to grow old together and have three kids running around in our backyard. “I’m wondering if someday you want to, umm…”

You’re waiting for him to say the words, tilting up your head just slightly to the side at the perfect angle that makes you look ten times cuter than before. “Want to what?”

Eren takes a deep breath. His shoes are squeaking against the floor as he drags and shifts his weight from one foot to another. “I don’t know, just, uh…” He turns his body slightly to the side, doing this little lip bite as he lets his gaze travel up from your lips to your eyes. 

The way he’s so nervously awkward is both amusing and endearing. You’d think that a man who owns a face like that would be all smooth and suave with girls but Eren has zero experience in dating and it shows from how anxious he is. Funny how he doesn’t act like this at all when he’s with Spider-Girl. He’s so chatty when he’s with that alter ego of yours, spouting out lines after lines, stories after stories. He got embarrassed sometimes too, sure, but he’s never like this. Maybe he really does like you. He likes you so much that his brain just stops functioning when he’s around you.

“I don’t know, maybe we could—” Eren gesticulates, jittery hands moving all over the place from fixing his jacket, scratching his nape, to rubbing the shell of his ear. He literally can’t stand still, eyes going everywhere but yours. “Or, you know, we could do something else or—if you’d like, we can—”

“Yeah.”

“—go and—” he stops, gaping, probably thinking that he imagined your answer. “Sorry, what?”

“Yeah,” you repeat, your smile reaching your eyes and turning them into a beautiful pair of half-moons.

“Y-yeah?”

“Yeah, either one.” 

Eren stops functioning for a second, his mind completely blank. He just stares at you, unblinking as if his soul just went on a world tour, leaving his body behind. “Really?”

“Sure.” 

He swallows. “Umm, okay…” It still feels surreal to him that you actually said yes to whatever it was he was offering (he’s not even sure what he just offered you). “Yeah, that sounds—that sounds great.” He can finally smile now, his lips curving up ever so slightly but his eyes do more than his mouth could ever convey. He can only stare at you for a while, transfixed with his mind completely blanked out as he’s suffused with so much joy. Then he remembers something and he panics again. “Shit, actually, I can’t right now, since I have—I’ve got classes to go.”

“Yeah, of course, me too,” you laugh lightly. “It’s only nine. Obviously, we have morning classes to attend.”

“Yeah…” He turns sheepish. “I was planning to ask you out after you’re finished with your Astrophysics class, but Armin couldn’t wait until then.”

“You knew I’m taking Astrophysics?” You tease, smirking. “What else do you know about me?”

Why am I such an idiot, Eren ponders as he feels himself dying little by little. Every time things start to get better, he always finds a way to screw things up. “I’m sorry, I… I didn’t mean to stalk you and be such a creep.” What am I going to do? She’s going to hate me now… Perhaps even disgusted. “You know what, I’m sorry for being so weird. I can understand if you don’t want to go out with me.”

You blink. His posture, the way he looks like he’s losing all his strength at once, and that little pout on his lips. Why does this look familiar? Then, it clicks. “You don’t want me to go out with you?”

“I do!” He exclaims a little bit too loudly. Thankfully for you, there’s no one else in the hallway right now but you and him. “Of course I do, but…” He drags his eyes to his feet, his heart beating a thousand miles per hour, his teeth sinking into his lip. 

You feel mischievous. For a superheroine who’s supposed to lie ninety-nine percent of the time to keep her real identity covered, you’re doing such a bad job at it because you want him to know that you’re the same girl he’s been sharing intimate sessions with on the rooftop. So you do the same thing you did the night you dropped him off on his porch. You reach out a hand, cupping his cheek and trapping him there so he can’t look anywhere else but your eyes.

Eren stiffens, emerald eyes shining brightly underneath the sunlight that seeps inside the room. “W-what are you doing?”

“Do you want to go out with me or not?”

His breathing tatters. “Yes, Ma’am, I do.”

“Then why are you telling me you don’t want to go out with me?”

“I wasn’t—I’m not saying I don’t want to go out with you. I’m saying that I’m okay if you don’t want to go out with me.” Wait, I feel like I’ve gone through this situation before, Eren thinks, feeling strange. Is this what Deja Vu feels like? 

“Why do you think I don’t want to go out with you?”

“Cause I’m…” He wets his lip, nervous. “Creepy?”

“Why, because you know I’ve been taking Astrophysics? Or is it because you’ve been taking pictures of me in secret?”

Eren’s not sure if you’re trying to calm him down with your words or make him feel ten times worse. “B-both?”

It’s funny how he unconsciously admits that he has been snapping photos of you like the stalker that he is. “Well, I still find you cute, so I don’t think we have problems with that. Would love it better if you could stop taking pictures of me, though. If you want my picture, you just need to ask. We can take some photos together this time.”

This is it. He’s in heaven right now. This is what paradise feels like. “I… I can?”

“Of course.”

His heart is thrumming so clamorously in his ears that it’s a miracle you haven’t heard it already. “And you… Are you saying you still want to go out with me?”

You playfully roll your eyes, giving him a light pat on his cheek before you release him. “If you want to, sure. Just ring me up or something.”

He’s in a haze, thick fog clouding his thoughts. “Okay… I’ll—I’ll call you.”

You wait for him to connect the dots, but when he remains in silence, just gazing at you with droopy eyes, you have to be the one who asks him. “Do you need my phone number or should we do it the old way with you sending a pigeon to give me my letters?”

“Shit, yeah—that’s right.” Snapping out of his reverie, Eren sticks a hand inside the pocket of his jeans. He’s about to take it out when a thought hits him like a train. Shit, fuck, I have her photo as my wallpaper. I also have her pictures in my gallery, what if she finds out? Should I delete them now? No, there are too many of them. I don’t have time for this. Even if I do, what if I haven’t backed them up? Oh my God, what to do, what to do, what to do—

“Eren?”

He pushes back his phone into the bottom of his pocket, his stomach in knots. “You know what, I think I left my phone at home.”

I literally can see the shape of your phone in your pocket, but okay. “Oh, no,” you fake a pout. “Then, I guess, we can’t go on a date then.”

“I can write down your number on my palm!” He takes off his backpack in a rush, going down to his knees to make it easier for him to look for his pen. “Wait, let me just—Fuck, where’s my pen—”

You thank the lord that most guys don’t usually take this long to make advances on their crushes, because if it takes him this long to ask you out on a date, humans will go extinct before they can repopulate the earth. “Or you can just add your number to my phone?” You offer.

“Of… course, yeah.” He returns to his feet, face flushed. “Sorry, I’m an idiot.”

“I think you’re adorable.”

“P-please don’t say that. I’m already dying here.” 

“Don’t die on me just yet. You haven’t bought me dinner.” You hand him over your phone and it nearly slips off his grip from how shaky his hands are. If it wasn’t for your fast reflexes, you might have to spend some of your savings to buy a new phone. “Careful, big boy.”

“Sorry,” he winces, being much more careful this time. He taps his quivering thumbs on the screen, adding his number on your contact list and re-typing his name several times because he keeps missing the right letters. “Here,” he says, offering you back his phone. You intentionally let your fingers brush against his, even let them linger for a second too long and Eren noticeably gulps at the minimal contact. “So, uh… I’ll wait for you to call me?”

Your mouth twitches into a smile. “I won’t make you wait too long, I promise.”

***

It’s been thirteen hours, eleven minutes, and forty-three seconds since you said, I won’t make you wait too long, and Eren is lying down on his bed with his eyes glaring at the clock that’s strapped to his wall as if he’s trying to make it burst into flames. 

Why hasn’t she called me yet?

What’s taking her so long?

Did she lose my number? Wait, have I clicked ‘save’ when I typed down my number? Fuck, I can’t remember.

He’s going insane in every way possible. He turns around to scream against his pillow before jumping from the bed. “I’m gonna get some fresh air,” he decides before he becomes the one who combusts into flames. Right before he grabs his hoodie, his phone rings.

Eren runs to grab it like his life depends on it, accidentally bumping himself against his swivel chair, hard enough for it to topple over and knock him off his balance. Groaning in pain, he reaches out one hand to blindly locate his phone on the desk. It’s an unknown number. This must be her.

He takes a deep breath, repeating two times more before he clears his throat and answers the call in the deepest, manliest, sexiest voice he can produce. “Hey, there.”

“Yo. It’s your big bro, Zeke. I left my phone at home and—why do you sound so weird?”

“Oh my God—GET OFF MY FUCKING PHONE!”

Eren shuts the line. If he missed your call because of this, he’s really going to kill him. He’s still grumbling under his breath when the phone rings again. The caller ID is still unknown. Refraining himself from grunting in protest, he picks up the call, “Zeke, for fuck’s sake, I’m gonna fucking kill you for real. I’m waiting for a girl to call me right now. If she—“

“Eren?”

Oh, wow. There you are. Calling him at three past ten pm and the first thing he said to you was his brother’s name and a string of expletives. And to think that he spent two hours practicing in front of the mirror to sound all smooth and suave, maybe even play hard to get like, “Sorry, who is this again? Oh, it’s you. I wasn’t expecting you to call me this early. What? You want to talk to me about our date? Shoot, I completely forgot about that.” He had everything planned.

“So, you’ve been waiting for me to call, huh?”

Eren knocks his head against the edge of his desk repeatedly as he says, “Not really.”

“Oh? What have you been doing then?”

“I was just… editing some photos. Touching up stuff.”

“You were touching-up stuff?”

If that first kiss of yours could be your villain origin story. This, you teasing him right now, can be his villain origin story. “Please don’t make fun of me, I’m already at my limit.”

“Dying again?”

“Probably.”

Your giggles soothe him down a little bit, making him feel less humiliated and more… serene. Which is weird, because you are also the cause of his distress. “Sorry, it took me a while to get back to you. I had, umm, family things to do.” And by family things, you meant stopping a car chase at Seventh Avenue. You’re still dressed inside your costume, actually, sitting at the edge of a skyscraper as you watch the city glimmering underneath you. “So, about that date. What do you want to do?”

Eren hates his filthy, filthy brain for coming up with ‘you’ as an answer. “I’m, uhh… I’m down with anything you want to do.”

“Oh? And what if I want to do something bad? Something… naughty.” You nibble at the corner of your lip, smirking as you wait for his response. Eren sounds like he’s choking on the other line.

“N-naughty like what?”

“I don’t know, like, cheating on my diet and stuffing my face with churros or something.”

“Oh…” You can actually hear the disappointment in his voice. “Oh, you mean that kind of naughty.”

“What kind of naughty are you thinking about?”

His face catches fire. “I’m—I’m not going to answer that.” There it is again. The most heartwarming, adorable giggle in the world that easily paints a smile on his face. “Maybe we could grab some coffee first and just see how it goes from there?”

“Hmm, I think we can do that,” you reply. “I know a coffee shop downtown that makes the best mochaccino.” We didn’t get to visit it last time because you threw up on me.

“Great.” He sounds much more relaxed now. “So, uh… Should I pick you up at your place or…?”

“Or I can just meet you at the coffee shop?” It’s too far away from my flat, and it’s faster for me to just swing by. “Let’s say at eight?”

“Okay.” His cheekbones are hurting from how wide he’s smiling. Even when he reminds himself to stop, it remains everlasting on his lips. “I’ll see you at eight, then.”

“Yeah, until then. See you, big boy.” And he can sense the smile in your voice too. “Try to keep your hands to yourself this time.”

“I wasn’t touching myself!”

The last thing he can hear before the line gets disconnected is his most favorite sound in the world, and he knows when he goes to sleep tonight, your face will stay permanently behind his closed lids. Eren sighs, throwing himself back to the bed. He’s over the moon, his body feels like floating in the air. 

It feels so good to be in love.

***

Armin Arlert has been best friends with Eren for five years. 

They met on the first day in high school when a bunch of school jocks tried to dunk Armin’s head inside the toilet bowl. Eren, who happened to be in the same bathroom—he had just finished doing number one and was washing his hands because although he might be an idiot, he was actually a very hygienic idiot—lifted his head when he saw four seniors hauling Armin’s body in the air before they pushed him inside a cubicle. The blonde boy was already on his knees, his eyeglasses cracked and tossed away to the floor when Eren stood behind them. To tell you the truth, Eren could’ve just punched one of them in the face and used the short moment of surprise to grab the nerdy boy by his collar and run away. But no. Eren, being an idiot like always, announced for the whole world to hear by saying the clichiest thing of the clichiest. 

“Hey, assholes,” he shouted dramatically as he cast his backpack to the side. “Why don’t you pick somebody your own size?” 

It was cringe. He said it as if he was starring in The Lion King. Eren could’ve just saved him without saying anything. He could’ve just kept his mouth shut, punched one guy in the face, kicked the other two in the balls, stuck a mop inside the other one’s ass, and called it a day. That would’ve been badass, peak cinema right there. But no, Eren had to be cringe. Armin knew that he, himself, was the epitome of cringe with all the outfits he was wearing (dude walked into the room dressed in Naruto’s flak jacket and orange pants), but Eren was on another level. 

Even so, his cringy line managed to garner their attention. Whirling their bodies around to see who was this dumbass who stopped them from enjoying their daily entertainment, the jocks sneered. Eren had worn his most menacing glare on his face, chin tilted up high with his fingers already curled into balls of fists, ready to fight back if needed. One of the seniors stepped forward, lips pulled back to showcase a wicked grin before he grabbed Eren by the front of his shirt.

 Then they dunked both Armin and Eren’s heads inside the toilet bowls at the same time.

“Well, I mean,” Armin said once the seniors had left the cubicle to pick another target to torture until the next period started. “At least they didn’t give us wedgies.” He handed the brunette his bottle of shampoo, one that he carried around with him every day as getting a swirlie at nine in the morning was already part of his daily routine. Eren, just like him, washed his hair and face clean.

“I’d prefer a wedgie than this, honestly,” Eren sighed, re-doing his bun even when his hair was still somewhat soaked. 

“Dude, no,” Armin argued. “I can’t stand them. Wedgies hurt my ass and my balls. I’ve got huge balls so…”

“Well, a swirlie is even more humiliating. Wedgies don’t hurt that much. Man up.”

“Yeah,” Armin snorted. “Probably because you have small balls and an equally small dick.”

“I don’t have a small dick. You do.”

“Excuse you, you low-life degenerate. I’m five point eight inches long.”

“Ha, weak,” Eren jeered. “I’m six point eight.”

“Flaccid,” Armin corrected, his nose flaring. “Erect, I’m seven point five. Ha, weak.”

Eren, turning off the tap, loomed tall above him, exuding the same level of darkness as the final boss in Dante’s Inferno. “Erect,” he said, smirking, “I’m eight point three. Try to top that, bitch.”

With his jaw dropping to the floor, Armin seethed with rage. “That is bullshit! Let me see!”

It turned out Eren did have a big dick. Armin had never felt so mortified in his entire life. Disgraced, even. Getting a swirlie was one thing, but having the only asset he was proud of demolished by a fucking stranger?

“To be fair, you do have big balls, bro,” Eren assured with a friendly pat on his shoulder. “Cheer up. It’s not the end of the world.”

This would be such a nice story to tell at their weddings when they become each other’s best man in the future. Just two bros sizing up each other’s dicks and comforting each other afterward with their heads still smelling like toilet water. 

“I fucking hate those guys,” Eren grumbled, drying the fat droplets of water off his face with some paper towels. “A bunch of assholes.”

“Yeah, what was your plan, man?” Armin asked. “Can you even fight?”

“I can, but not against four of them at the same time.”

“I know. That’s why I asked you what was your plan.”

“Do I look like a guy with a plan?” To be fair, no, he did not. 

“Why did you do it then?” The blonde man’s frown was sketched deeply upon his forehead. “You could’ve just walked away.”

“I don’t know,” Eren exhaled. “I guess I just don’t like seeing other people get bullied.”

“You have a protagonist syndrome, that’s your problem.” But Armin offered his hand, fixing his broken glasses with his index finger as he spoke, “But I admire your bravery, young man. You’re foolish, true, but brave nonetheless. My name is Armin. Armin from the clan Arlert. I feel like we can be comrades.”

Eren looked at him weirdly before he accepted his handshake. “Eren Jaeger.”

That was the beginning of their friendship. They spent, quite literally, every hour of their days together, almost as if they were conjoined twins. Although they had different personalities, they shared the same interests and complemented each other rather well. They became so close that rumors started to spread in the hallway that they were more than just friends. A girl with freckles on her cheeks named Ymir approached them and asked them to join her LGBTQ club. Armin was happy to join as he had never had someone ask him to participate in anything before, while Eren was too nice to say no (poor boy didn’t even know what LGBTQ stood for), so that certainly added more proof to the case. 

It also didn’t help when the school’s quarterback—who looked like he belonged in Tokyo Revengers with a heart kinder than Hello Kitty on her best day—Reiner Braun asked Armin, “Dude, is it true that you two fucked behind the bleachers that night after the homecoming game?” 

Armin’s answer was, “That source of information you were talking to. Did they say I was the one who fucked Eren in the ass or was it the other way around?”

“They said it was you who fucked him.”

“Well, yes, that is correct,” Armin said, pushing back his eyeglasses. “I did do that. Now you know that despite popular’s belief, I am not a bottom. I have a bigger dick and I am much manlier than him.” For someone who (self-)proclaimed to be smart, Armin didn’t make sense most of the time.

Reiner gave him a high-five, patting his back like a proud father. “Is it true you’ve got massive balls too?”

“Everything is true, Reiner. Everything is true.”

(Eren did not hear a word about this until graduation. When he did, he went into a severe depression mode for three days straight, absolutely humiliated knowing that people thought Armin was topping the fuck out of him anytime he had the chance. Eren didn’t have that much problem being mistaken as a queer—nothing’s wrong with that—or even the fact that he’d be a bottom. But him bottoming with that fucking nerd Armin Arlert as his top? Jesus Christ. Forget his traumatic past. This was probably the reason why he started his video journal in the first place.)

Now that he looked back at it, maybe that was why Eren didn’t get to find himself a girlfriend. Surely, a guy like him would’ve been popular among girls in his school if people didn’t think he loved taking it in the ass. But that’s okay. Eren never needed one back then anyway, both a girlfriend or a dick in his ass. He felt content spending most of his high school memories being cooped up in Armin’s room, playing endless amounts of games, or binging TV shows. 

Armin felt that way too. He thought his life had already peaked at that point. He got married to his favorite waifu, got to kick some random twelve-year-old’s ass in Overwatch on a daily basis, and got to laugh and be normal with his best friend, Eren Jaeger. There was nothing else he needed in the world, as long as he had his best friend with him.

Then you came along and suddenly, Eren turned into this desperate, downgraded version of Romeo who couldn’t do anything—not even finishing the first half of Assassin’s Creed without dying or crying—but talk about how angelic you were, how cute your voice sounded in his ears, how sexy your lips were and yada yada yada. 

Ugh, gross.

“Armin, I need your help!” Eren comes barging into his room, kicking the door open without permission as always. He’s carrying half of the clothes he owns in his wardrobe in his arms, almost tripping over his feet before he lays everything on Armin’s bed. “I don’t know what I should wear for tonight’s date, and I’m so stressed out right now, my balls are literally sweating. You gotta help me out!”

Armin doesn’t budge from his swivel chair, not even sparing him a glance. With his fingers still smashing his keyboard buttons, he simply replies to him with a snort, mumbling, “Stupid incel brat,” under his breath.

Eren, grabbing a black button-down shirt and a black blazer in each hand, stands right next to him. “What do you think about this? Does this outfit say I’m hot and you should totally get handsy with me?”

Armin spins around, flatly staring back at him. “Eren, you’re going on a casual coffee date not a fucking funeral.”

“Okay, what about the white suit then?”

“You’re also not going to prom. Or a wedding.”

“Oh, God, I would love to marry her.” Eren literally has the attention span of a three-year-old, easily distracted, especially when the topic involves you. Hugging his clothes to his chest, he releases a dreamy sigh. “You know what would be nice? If both of us get married somewhere near the beach where we can hear the sounds of waves as they crash against the rocks in the background—”

“The only thing that’s great from being married near the beach is to have you swept away by a fucking tsunami so we don’t have to do this sappy conversation ever again.” 

That was harsh, even Armin realizes that too, but he couldn’t help it. He hates that his best friend is turning into a lovesick fool. Eren has been a simp from day one, but it’s only getting worse by the second. It’s annoying, really, when Eren keeps changing the conversation. Suddenly, everything is all about you. Armin can be talking about the latest spin-off of Game of Thrones and Eren would be like, “You know who’s going to be a great mother of dragons? Her. Except, instead of mothering a bunch of little dragons, she’s gonna be mothering a bunch of my mini-mes.” Eren is like… the human version of Twitter right now.

But the thing with Armin is, even though he has the mouth of a pirate, he has the heart of a nun. Despite his vexation, he also wants to be happy for him. Truly. And when Eren pouts with his shoulders slumping forward and his bottom lip jutted out, what can he do? “I’m sorry,” Armin says, taking off his glasses so he can massage the bridge of his nose. “That was very mean of me to say. I didn’t mean that. I wouldn’t want you to die in a tsunami. Getting stung to death by gazillion bees? Probably. But not in a tsunami.”

Armin is putting on a facade, Eren can tell. Putting a stop to his dramatic pout, Eren leans himself against his desk, tossing his clothes back to the bed before he gives the man his full attention. “Okay, what’s wrong?” He questions. “Why do you have a stick up your ass?”

“I don’t have a stick up my ass.”

“You look like you do, Armin.”

“And how do you know? Because I look pissed? Has it never occurred to you that maybe I like having a stick up my ass?”

Eren gives him a look. “Come on, man.”

Armin heaves a defeated sigh, running a hand through his golden hair. “I’m just wondering… What happens after this?” To Eren’s surprise, the blonde male turns solemn. He’s taking away his mask and underneath it, Eren can finally see how distraught he is. “If your date goes well—and I’m sure it will—and then what? You’re gonna date her and you’re gonna spend a lot of time with her and then… What’s going to happen to us?”

Eren, not expecting the conversation to turn this way, turns stiff for a second. “Dude, what—”

“I’m just saying that,” Armin pauses to release a sharp breath. “I don’t want to sound like this, but… You’re my only friend. I know how important she is to you. I know how much you like her. But I haven’t been able to say a word to you without you making it all about her. And I’m sorry if I sound like an asshole, but I’m tired of it, dude. I’m worried that this is gonna be it for us. You’re going to live your own life, build your own family, have kids, and grow old together with your loved ones, and I’m going to live the rest of my life stuck in this hellhole, getting fatter by the day while playing fucking Overwatch with a bunch of twelve-year-old kids until I finally die from type two diabetes or worse: prostate cancer.”

Baffled by the situation, Eren can only reside in silence, observing the way Armin’s posture droops on his seat.

“I’m happy for you, Eren, I really am,” Armin wearily says, casting his gaze down to his lap, fiddling with his fingers. “But… I don’t want to say goodbye to our friendship just yet. You’re really important to me, bro. You were my first friend and you’re my only friend now. You were the first person who cared about me enough to have his head dunked inside a toilet bowl. I know I always made fun of you about it, but I really was happy when you stuck your neck out for me. No pun intended. And now, I just…” He slowly returns his gaze to his face. “I guess I just don’t want to lose you.”

There’s a little click in his brain when the dots are all connected in his head. Eren thought Armin had simply disliked you as a person—just like how he disliked everybody else, but that wasn’t it at all, was it? He’s just jealous, not of him, but of you. 

I’ve been selfish, haven’t I? Eren muses, realizing just how much he’s been constantly shoving your name down his throat instead of truly spending time with his best friend when he’s the only one Armin has. How would he feel if the roles were reversed? What if Armin started dating a girl and moved on with his life while he was still there alone in his room, waiting for a chance to play Xbox with him again? He could only imagine how lonely it would be.

“I’m sorry,” Eren says, his voice turning equally as soft. “I’m sorry for being such an asshole. And I’m sorry for ignoring you. That wasn’t my intention at all.”

Armin isn’t sure what he wanted Eren to do, but seeing him apologizing like this with regret in his eyes feels unsettling. Wearing back his glasses, he clears his throat before he returns to his computer screen. “You know what, I was just being lame. Ignore me. So, about that outfit—”

“You’ll always be my best friend, Armin,” Eren cuts him off, stunning the other boy. “Nothing will change the fact that you play a huge part in my life. You’ve always been. And I promise you that me dating her isn’t going to change a thing between us.”

Armin, now flushed, can’t stand and listen to him for a second longer. “Yeah, I got it. Let’s move on—”

“I’ll make time for you every week,” Eren continues regardless. “Every weekend, I’ll come here to crash at your place and we’ll play—”

“Dude, I get it. Drop it—”

“No, listen to me. We’ll play games until morning and watch a new season of Jujutsu Kaisen together—hell, we can even watch that shit you like with the catgirls and the tentacles—”

Armin slams his head against his keyboard. “Oh, Lord.”

“And you know what?” Eren’s eyes brighten up, his face nearly being split in half from how wide he’s grinning. “When she’s ready to marry me and have kids together, you’ll be our godparent! We’ll have a special room for you in our suburban house where you can stay as long as you want—”

“YES, I GET IT! NOW SHUT UP!” Great, now he’s screaming. His mother would probably lecture him again about dealing with his anger issues, and that’s not fair because this is completely Eren’s fault for being so fucking sappy and cringe. He’s already talking about marrying you when he can’t even decide what to wear for his first date!

But Armin, standing abruptly from his chair, blushes to his toes. His sapphire eyes are seconds away from popping out of their sockets. For a moment, they both just exchange stares but the second Armin’s thin lips twitch in a smile, their boisterous waves of laughter fill the room.

“Are we being gay right now?” Eren says, eyes turning glassy from how much he’s guffawing.

“Shut up.” Armin gives him a light kick on the shin. “Even if I were into dicks, I wouldn’t date you.”

“Really? Why not?”

“Seriously? You’re gonna ask me that question?” He flatly replies. “Gonna make us sound even gayer?”

“What, I’m a charming man.”

“You’re an asshole.” But the tiny smile Armin displays on his face is filled with nothing but the fondness he held for the man. “You don’t have to fuss about your outfit, man. You’ll look good no matter what you wear. Just be yourself.”

“Be myself?” Eren snorts. “You want me to be myself? I’m a fucking idiot.”

“True, but she has a bimbo kink.” After his little lash-out, Armin decides that he’s going to go all out at supporting his best mate today. “The stupidest you act, the horniest she gets.”

“That’s not reassuring in the slightest,” Eren grimaces. 

“Eren,” Armin puts pressure on his voice. “You’re an amazing guy, okay? You’re kind, you’re courageous, you’re funny and sweet even though you can also be annoying as fuck sometimes.”

The corner of the brunette’s mouth quirks up, an impish glint in his eyes. “Sometimes?”

“All the time,” Armin corrects with a playful roll of his eyes. “But you know, if someone as cranky as me can stand your corny ass for five years, I’m sure she would love you. I’d rather die to admit this so I’ll just say this once.” He stops tapping against his keyboards, turning around to face the other man. “You’re the greatest guy I know. So have faith in yourself. You got this.”

Armin was so serious when he said it. It was like he was trying to convince Eren to jump over a cliff to save his life when it’s really just about him choosing whether he should go with a gray shirt or a black tee. “Wow,” Eren responds, rubbing the tip of his nose. “I didn’t see that coming. The blonde boy promptly turns back to his computer, keeping himself busy as his brain couldn’t form a witty comeback to say. “So, like…” Eren begins. “Do you wanna make-out or—” He’s hit right on the face by a water bottle.

After going through twenty minutes of trying every attire he owned, Eren falls back to Armin’s bed, his groan muffled by his body pillow. “Fuck, what am I going to do? I don’t want to show up in a hoodie. What do boys usually wear on first dates anyway? What do girls wear?” He gasps when a thought enters his head. “Dude, what if she wears this cute little dress and she ties up her hair in a ponytail so I can see her neck and her baby hairs, and, like—"

“Aaaaand we’re back.” With a last tap on his keyboard, Armin pushes himself away from his desk, leaving his chair. “You want to look good? Fine, come here. I’ll show you how to look good.”

Armin takes a few strides and stops before his wardrobe, sliding the door open with one hand. “You know what’s gonna make a good impression?” He rhetorically asks, standing on his toes as he tries to reach the top drawer. “If you dress up like that dude from Attack on Titan.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“The fact that I’m still friends with an imbecile like you is beyond me.”

“You literally just cried your eyes out, whining about how scared you were of me leaving you.”

“I didn’t cry!” Armin better be used to his teasing quickly because Eren’s not going to live this down for at least the next five years. “It’s an anime, really good. You might want to stop watching Euphoria sometimes and start watching real shows instead.”

“Now, why you gotta be rude like that.” Eren throws himself on the bed, sitting on its edge. “So, what, he’s the protagonist?” 

“Yeah. He looks just like you. Long hair, green eyes. You even have his iconic man-bun look.”

“Is this guy popular among ladies?”

“Well, they’ve been calling him Zaddy.” Armin shrugs. “Like Daddy but, you know, swagier.”

Eren’s face contorts in repulsion. “Is he a dad? I don’t want to dress up like a fat older man, bro, come on now.”

Eren is the exact reason why Armin’s mother is getting more persistent in scheduling another appointment with his therapist these days. “I mean like Daddy in the sheets, you dumbass! Not actual daddy. Well, actually, according to one theory, he is the father of—”

“I literally don’t have time to keep up with you, Armin. I’ve got a date in less than three hours.”

“Rude,” he snorts, throwing a pack of clothes still sealed inside a plastic bag. “Here. I’ve ordered this for our next anime conference but desperate times call for desperate measures, so…” He rips open the package, tossing him a beige shirt with string tassels at the collar, a pair of dark pants, and a simple black mantle. “Try them on.”

With a frown, Eren shucks off his black band tee and wears the beige shirt. Armin watches him put on his mantle with his eyebrows furrowed and his arms folded neatly on his chest, scrutinizing every little detail. “Okay, good,” Armin comments, standing right behind his friend as they both stare at their reflections in the standing mirror. “Now, raise your right hand in the air. We can add some fake wound and blood dripping down your palm later—”

“What the fuck—“

“Ssh sshh sshh, just bear with me for a second.” Armin is in his serious mode right now, and if there is one thing Eren has learned from befriending him for five years is you don’t fuck with Armin when he’s being this focused. “Now, do a frown.” Eren isn’t frowning in anger; he’s frowning in confusion because what the fuck are they even doing? It seems good enough for Armin either way. “Perfect.” The blonde boy snaps his fingers in the air. “Now say, in the deepest voice possible, ‘It’s because I was born into this world.’”

Eren draws the longest exhale. Staring flatly at the mirror, he repeats, “It’s because I was born into this world.”

“Fuck, yeah, that’s it!” Armin shouts, punching the air in victory. “Holy shit, dude, we are so gonna win the next cosplay event—”

“Jesus Christ, Armin, I’m running out of time here!”

“Okay, okay, geez.” Randomly picking up one of the shirts and jackets Eren had brought into his room, he pushes them against the other boy’s chest. “Here.”

Eren narrows his eyes suspiciously. “You really think this is okay?”

“Look, Eren, what’s important is not what you wear, but how you act in front of her. Come here, let me teach you.” Armin provides him with a little demonstration as he gives out his instructions. “Follow me. Stand with your feet close together like this.” Eren follows with an eyebrow raised in question. “Yep, like that. Now stretch both arms out to your sides, held parallel to the ground. That’s it.”

Eren blinks in confusion. “What am I doing?”

“You’re T-Posing. To assert dominance. Show that bitch who fucking owns her.”

“I’m literally never going to talk to you again.”

***

Next Chapter

Huge thanks to Aleks and Nissa for beta-reading this chapter for me. I love you guys forever ❤️

Tagging:

@l6ffys @vivi-et @halparkebitch @fwess @littlemochi @thebeardedmoon @didiyogo @coyloves @erenbean @tehehebri @justasketch @infnteen @naiomiwinchester @spiderlingh @doyochii @ahornyenby @aengelren @sakurashell @princess-jaeger @resonancesoul @blrqt @cacapeepee @persyhange @jaegersdiary @erentoes @trashygremlin04 @meed18 @j0livi0ni @snowflake-201 @jaymihawk @eva-gates @claudevonstrukesblog @sofijaeger @rinsie @blanccofiie @ereninbunu @natanialora @khinjito @ackersune @watermelon-online @tropicsoda @damselofblueroses @alexackrman @bblgumz @jurrasicpork @erenjaegercult @holycandypizza

#eren smut #eren fluff #eren x reader #eren jaeger smut #aot x reader #eren yeager smut #eren jaeger fluff #eren yeager fluff #aot smut #aot fluff #eren jaeger x reader #eren yeager x reader #eren x you #eren yeager #eren jaeger #our little secret canon

[sarah-cam]

Why do you hate Jeremiah so much/think Conrad is the better brother? Btw this isn't trolling, I'm genuinely curious for your opinion! 😊

oh boy this is a loaded question 😂 i am purely a watcher of the show, i have not read the books — and honestly, jenny han has literally said that the show is how she would write the story today vs over ten years ago when the books came out, so take with that what you will (also here's jelly vs bonrad)

i want to start this off by just saying i don't HATE jeremiah (i know i say that i do a lot but that's mostly just me being funny and i won't apologize for that 💅🏼) and while i honestly don't like him right now, i don't think he's a bad person and lbr all of these characters could benefit from some self-improvement via therapy. i'm also going to refrain from labeling any characters/relationships as "toxic" or "abusive" because frankly i think people (usually tiktok girlies that are clearly chronically online) overuse and misuse the term so that it's lost all meaning, and i'm not a psychiatrist 🤷🏻‍♀️ this is simply my interpretation and analysis of a tv show that i enjoy watching

if you love jeremiah, all power to ya!! i'm not going to tell you that you need "professional help" or to "reevaluate yourself" (like some people love to tell random strangers on the internet). these are fictional characters — they are quite literally not real and if you like some, cool. if you don't like some, cool. if you disagree with my interpretations, cool!! i genuinely do not care as long as you mind your business and stay in your lane

i'm going to say right off the bat that the biggest reason i prefer conrad is simply that i gravitate towards that kind of character, i don't know why but it's just a common theme among my faves

going into season two, i was/am team conrad but i honestly loved jeremiah!! that quickly changed and honestly when i rewatched season one, i saw the same behaviors and didn't like him as much. also, none of my criticism of jeremiah is meant to say that conrad is perfect and has never done anything wrong (even though he IS perfect and has NEVER done anything wrong 😜)

most of the issues i have with jeremiah all come back to one thing: his feelings of inadequacy and jealousy when it comes to conrad

manipulative: when he sees belly and conrad about to kiss, he sabotages it with the fireworks, then tries to play it off as an accident and like he didn't see them when conrad mentions it. at this point, he knows that belly has always had a crush on conrad but now he knows to a degree that it's reciprocated. he then proceeds to go out of his way to sabotage them, like when he goes to nicole and gets her to invite conrad to that music festival (which, also not cool to play nicole like that), though i will admit that conrad self-sabotaging ruining things with belly had nothing to do with jeremiah

guilt-tripping: this sort of goes hand-in-hand with being manipulative. on MULTIPLE occasions, he purposefully makes belly feel uncomfortable and guilty for simply being happy with conrad. some examples:

thanksgiving — she drops conrad's hand after jere stares at them from across the table, they separate and she intentionally steps away from conrad when jere walks into the room, he tells conrad to "warn him" when belly is literally just going to be there

road trip to brown — he is passive aggressive in the car ("we don't talk about you"), he gives her the biggest eye roll/side-eye when trusky mentions conrad being depressed over the break up, he makes her feel terrible about "not being there for him" even though he was literally the one ignoring her when she said she had been reaching out multiple times. i understand that they are best friends and he was also struggling, there's no doubt about that, but she is ONE PERSON (who is also struggling, mind you) and OF COURSE she is going to be there for her BOYFRIEND

everything since then — multiple times throughout the rest of the season, he gives belly dirty looks any time she merely breathes in the direction of conrad, he interrupts them anytime they're talking (like in the party store) with a nasty look/tone, he goes to belly after her fight with laurel to be "supportive" and then shuts her down when she tries to talk about her feelings simply because she brings up conrad (which was very relevant to the conversation so like??), he gives belly a dirty look when conrad GIVES HER A SWEATSHIRT BECAUSE SHE WAS CHILLY. she is immediately uncomfortable and self-conscious of her actions every single time, even when SHE'S NOT EVEN DATING CONRAD ANYMORE and none of the interactions were explicitly "romantic"

playing the victim: again, goes hand-in-hand with my previous points. not only did he know that belly has always had a crush on conrad, but he literally watched them almost kiss. then the next night, he tells belly he likes her and they kiss. then when she later tells him that she kissed conrad, he acts like he had no idea that she liked conrad and was completely deceived (this is not me saying that belly didn't do him dirty — she did!! and i DO truly feel bad for him, but they weren't dating and he knew full well that she was rejected by conrad immediately before they proceeded to get together) and throws the fact that his "mom has cancer" in her face to make her feel like a bad person. i get that he was upset, rightfully so, but that was still messed up. conrad also did NOTHING WRONG here!! he had no idea that jeremiah liked belly or that they kissed when he kissed her, was not angry when belly told him about kissing jere, asked her who she wanted to be with, and then respected her decision to not date in order to spare jere's feelings. jeremiah acting all pissy towards conrad was not deserved. i understand him being annoyed when conrad asked him for his blessing, but if he truly cared about them, he would want them to be happy together instead of spending the next few months pouting and ignoring them

jealousy: all of this comes back to the fact that he is extremely jealous of conrad. having an older sister, i get it — i sympathize with always being compared, feeling like they're better at everything, and trying to live up to that. he feels like conrad is better at everything and is everyone's first choice (which... he is 😬) but like... that's a YOU problem. conrad didn't do anything to him!!

the conrad of it all: he constantly talks shit about conrad and doesn't even try to understand where he's coming from, which i understand to an extent because he is justifiably hurt, but calling conrad the selfish one is literally LAUGHABLE. even though he may have been misguided, everything conrad did was to try to protect jeremiah from pain. he has had an immense amount of pressure put on him by his father (and others) to be the perfect one that is always looking out for and protecting the younger ones. he suffered in silence for months after finding out about susannah's cancer/adam cheating, both to give susannah the last perfect summer she wanted and to protect jere from everything. same thing with the house — he thought that he could handle it by himself and that it would be protecting the rest of them to do it by himself. he had to deal with all of the guilt of not being able to be there for susannah as much as he wanted because of college, and he literally had a panic attack at the thought of leaving jeremiah to go to stanford. jeremiah constantly bringing up that belly and conrad broke up (when it's none of his damn business and he even admitted he didn't know what happened between them) ESPECIALLY in regard to conrad not being around when susannah was sick because HE WAS AT SCHOOL and "always with belly" is so fucked up. everyone was struggling and doing their best, including jeremiah, and that was just not cool. belly's actions ("not being there for jeremiah") are not conrad's fault.

because of his jealousy towards literally every single thing conrad says or does, he doesn't care that belly makes conrad happy (and vice versa), he gives absolutely zero consideration to conrad's feelings when deciding to go after belly (also neither does belly but that's a whole other post). conrad has now apologized to both belly and jeremiah on multiple occasions and started doing some serious self-reflection. jeremiah has not apologized ONCE for the shit he’s said and done.

i have said it before and i stand by it: conrad wants belly to be happy while jeremiah only wants belly to be happy if it's with him

(and no, his conversation with conrad in the finale doesn't change my mind because i simply didn't believe him)

IN CONCLUSION, people are entitled to their wrong opinions but conrad fisher remains superior now and forever and he deserves so much better and no i don't take questions or criticism because i'm right

#answered #anon #tsitp meta #the summer i turned pretty #anti jelly #anti jeremiah fisher #this got so long and would've been longer if i went on about conrad but i cut myself off #also i'm joking about the questions/criticism #i will gladly talk about this with people if they're nice but honestly neither of us are ever gonna change our minds 😂 #the jelly vs bonrad analysis is coming but will prob take until tomorrow lol #this isn’t even touching on his cringeworthy narration #that’ll be in the jelly/bonrad analysis #alright an edit to this is that yes i actually do hate jeremiah 🫶🏼

[willbursangels]

Hi guys.I need to talk to you.

I think we have all heard of what has happened with Wilbur soot over the pat two days.If you haven’t, Wilbur soot (also know as William Gold, lead singer of LoveJoy) has been confirmed to have abused an ex girlfriend through nonconsensual biting and accused of lying and manipulating his audience.Because of this, I would like to say that I now stand against Wilbur and would like to refrain from being related to him.That bring me to the topic of this post.I know I’m not a big blog but to me this blog means the world.I got my first post to one thousand notes firs wtf how and this blog turned a year old only a couple of days ago.The friends I have made and the interactions have been great but I would like to say I am stepping back from the Wilbursangels blog.I’ve been wanting to step back as I think my passion has died out and now because of this, it gives me another reason to.I’ve also been having problems with mental health and depression so I also take that as a reason.So goodbye and may I never return.

(This blog is up for grabs if anyone wants it and my new main is: @bluejellyfishcore

#fuck wilbur soot #wilbur soot #lovejoy #goodbye

[reilora-borealis]

.... and you're NOT gonna tell us about the Shadowgast Playlist? Please 🫴, hand it over.

I said in my original post this was my toxic trait... nonetheless I am SO glad someone took the bait 😈

I'm not going to post the link because I value my spotify privacy and also I have an embarrassing username that no one needs to know about. However, since you asked nicely (and let's be honest, I wasn't expecting anyone to care! so thank you!), I will share ✨ my personal top 5 shadowgast songs ✨ with a bit of context for each.

If you're just here to roast my music taste, bear in mind... I said toxic trait. Proceed at your own risk.

1. Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce

"If I could make days last forever / If words could make wishes come true / I'd save every day like a treasure and then / Again, I would spend them with you..."

This one has two meaning imo: first, early-campaign Caleb wishing he could change the past to save his parents' lives; later, Essek wishing he had more time to spend with Caleb. The original version is beautiful, but there is also a cover by Yungblud (yes, it's on the Hobbs & Shaw soundtrack) that's badass but a very different vibe.

2. Lilith by Halsey

"I'm perfection when it comes to first impressions / I romanticize and then I get to stressing / Big brain like I'm teaching at a lesson / Baby, it's a blessing..."

Every time this song comes on I legit yell ESSEK ANTHEM! because it is. This is the Hot Villain theme song. The beat is so sexy. The lyrics are on point ("I am disgusting / I've been corrupted / And by now I don't need not help to be destructive"). The vibes are just immaculate.

3. No Halo by Brockhampton

"Went to church for the hell of it, stumbled in drunk as shit / Been going through it again / Been talking to myself, wondering who I am / Been thinking I am better than Him..."

Look. I could write an entire essay about this one song. Wizard hubris, depression, and the crisis of faith Essek goes through when the Nein find out about his betrayal. Also, for those who theorize Essek is the unwilling chosen of the Luxon - he could, in fact, be "God's special mess".

4. X&Y by Coldplay

"I dive in at the deep end / You become my best friend / I want to love you but I don't know if I can / I know something is broken / And I'm trying to fix it / Trying to repair it / Any way I can..."

Two characters who both think they are terrible people that don't deserve love, trying to be better and trying to better each other? And they fall in love? And they're narrative foils? No one is doing it like them! (Plus the chorus "You and me are drifting into outer space" just screams ~wizards in the star room~.)

5. All The Stars by Kendrick Lamar feat. SZA (album version)

"Tell me what you gon' do to me / Confrontation ain't nothing new to me / You can bring a bullet, bring a sword, bring a morgue / But you can't bring the truth to me..."

I don't know how this song manages to be both broody and uplifting at the same time, but it is and it's perfection. It's the grimness of reality and the hope for the future, the refrain of "All the stars are closer" symbolizing all the possibilities that are now within reach.

And oh boy, I don't have time to write about the whole playlist but if you've made it this far, here are some bonus mini listicles because this is my Roman Empire 😌

Entire playlist of just shadowgast-coded Hozier songs:

Arsonist's Lullabye

In The Woods Somewhere

De Selby (pt. 2)

Someone New

Like Real People Do

Moment's Silence

From Eden

All My Homies Hate Trent Ikithon songs:

Heathens by Twenty One Pilots

Eat Your Young by Hozier

Buzzkill by Mothica

Another Brick In The Wall, pt. II by Pink Floyd

My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark by Fall Out Boy

Other ships? In my shadowgast playlist? It's more likely than you think:

The Cave by Mumford & Sons (widobrave)

Cringe by Matt Maeson (widojest)

Tessellate by alt-J (blumendrei)

EDM wizard songs if you're into that sort of thing (I am):

Time Stops by Virtual Riot

I'd Love To Change The World (Matstubs Remix) by Jetta

I Could Be Anything by the Glitch Mob feat. Elohim

New Eyes by Echos

Keep in mind this is just a handful of songs out of like a hundred, so I welcome you to give me the benefit of the doubt and fill in the rest of the playlist in your mind with whatever makes me seem cool to you.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk, I am sorry it took me four days to write this... 😅

#shadowgast

[ryanscabinlife]

name 10 songs with 10 names in the titles that I like and tag 10 people at the end.

So I wasn't personally tagged on this, but after reading @allisonreader's post, I was inspired to do it. They left it open for their followers, so here I am listing 10 songs that I like that have names in the title.

I didn't realize writing a post with no pictures is extremely intimidating  🙃

i. Gale Song by The Lumineers - I can easily list the whole album where this song came from, but I only picked two that I like the most. One of them is the Gale Song. One of my go-to's when I'm having a campfire

Favourite line/s: "When you say my name, may it never give you pain"

ii. Marilyn Monroe by Nicki Minaj - I still remember when I first purchased the album Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded back in 2012, and this was the first song that really caught my attention. It's still one of my favourite Nicki songs. It's also special coz one of the few songs where Nicki did not rap.

Favourite line/s: "Truth is we mess up till we get it right" "I can get low, don't know which way is up. Yeah I can get high, like I could never come down"

iii. Vincent by Don McLean - One of the few songs that I remember my dad listened to when he was alive

Favourite line/s: ."..how you suffered for your sanity and how you tried to set them free. They would not listen, they did not know how" "And when no hope was left in sight on that starry, starry night you took your life, as lovers often do"

iv. Cecilia by Simon & Garfunkel - This song is a 'cleaning the house' staple for me. It just gives me so much positive energy

Favourite line/s: "Jubilation, she loves me again I fall on the floor and I'm laughin"

v. Angela by The Lumineers - the second song from the album Cleopatra - where The Gale Song also came from. Definitely a road trip/campfire song.

Favourite line/s: "Strangers in this town, they raise you up just to cut you down"

vi. A Rose for Emily by The Zombies - a really depressing song I discovered from a really depressing podcast. If you haven't listened to the Podcast "S-Town", give it a whirl.

Favourite line/s: "She keeps her pride somehow that's all she has protecting her from pain" "...as the years go by she will grow old and die. The roses in her garden fade away, not one left for her grave"

vii. Hey Jude by The Beatles - classic. Probably my favourite Beatles song.

Favourite line/s: "anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain, don't carry the world upon your shoulders" "Na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na, hey Jude Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude"

viii. Billie Jean by Michael Jackson - another classic. Don't have much to say about this song

Favourite line/s: "... be careful of what you do 'cause the lie becomes the truth"

ix. Think of Aaliyah by Boys II Men - probably the most 'deep track' on this list. A tribute to Aaliyah. RIP. A cover of "Think of Laura" by Christopher Cross.

Favourite line/s: "Hey Aaliyah, where are you now? Are you far away from here? I don't think so I think you're here taking our tears away"

x. Helena Beat by Foster the People - I still remember that year when I only listened to the album 'Torches' non-stop. It was a good year.

Favourite line/s: "You know those days when you wanted to choose to not get out of bed and get lost in your head again"

I don't know if anyone's gonna read this but if you did, consider yourself tagged!

#10 songs with names #10 songs tag #tag game

[fic-over-cannon]

Jason Todd x fem!reader (set in the Injustice universe) where it’s wedding day and their 2 yr old son sees reader walking down the isle and shouts “HEY MOM! :D” before running to her for a hug. Based entirely on this video:

https://youtube.com/shorts/5VF9x1Utl_M?si=hk0RFIEMfK1VA07R

(I am also a girl-dad-Jason truther, but… man, the short above almost made me cry lmao)

It’s both ironic and bittersweet, really; the world around them continues to implode in on itself. Despite that, Jason has been the healthiest and happiest he’s ever been. Meanwhile, most of the audience are reminded of just how things have fallen from grace. ESPECIALLY Bruce and Clark, those two knuckle headed fucks are the ones hurting the most as they gaze on at you and your squealing son embracing each other, soon hand in hand, continuing down the isle. Bruce is proud, but depressed at the fact that he didn’t even know of your son’s existence until today. Clark can’t stop thinking about how that could’ve been him, Louis, and their unborn child.

(This specific reader is based on a OC I have and I’m too embarrassed to go on and on about her since her ENTIRE back story and job/ capabilities is based on the main character of a game 💀💀 god, tHE LORE but imma refrain. Reader is wearing a red wedding dress 🤭)

-🥭

my first emoji anon! thank you so much for stopping by 💕 in my mind we sharing a bowl of mango sago.

this is such an interesting concept, i had to do a little research since i’m not that familiar with injustice but oh, this universe makes the whole concept so lovely and bittersweet. this moment of happiness and hope also being a reminder of just how twisted the world has gotten. bruce being slapped in the face with just how bad his relationship with jason has truly gotten, clark being forced to see everything he’s lost the chance to have.

i will always be a girl dad jason truther nonny, but that video makes a very good case! personally i think being a boy dad would come with a lot of luggage surrounding jason’s own relationship with bruce.

oh and the red wedding dress! red, with so many meanings. love and passion, jason’s own vigilante symbol. but also blood, anger, danger. so many lovely layers but also a such a striking image! i so badly want to see the wedding pictures, your little boy tucked up in between the two of you.

nonny if you ever want to talk about your oc more, my inbox is open! i love seeing what people in this fandom come up with and all the wonderful ways they think about jason.

#sweet words for sunnie

[fahye]

Hey! I really enjoyed the Last Binding books, and I am dying from impatience for A Power Unbound! I'm also a writer (unpublished), and I was wondering about your stance on posting info about WIPs on tumblr. I haven't done it yet, and I'm hesitating because I don't want it to be stolen. At the same time, it may be good to interact with others about my story, and maybe start to build a small community of potential readers. Do you think it would be a good idea, or that I should refrain until I have a contract with a publisher, or at the very least an agent?

oh boy. this one got long.

if you're mentioning agents and publishers then I assume you're hoping to be traditionally published, so my advice is based on that. (if you're looking into selfpub then that's a whole other ballgame, about which I don't know a great deal.)

it's very very normal and natural to want to interact with people about your WIPs. you want the story to feel finished and real. you want a tiny sip of a sample of how it might feel to have other people read your beautiful complete book and come and tell you their feelings and thoughts.

(it's also GREAT procrastination from the really difficult part, which is....writing the damn book, editing it, and grimly entering the querying trenches.)

but I don't know if tumblr, or any public social network, is the place for it.

I'm assuming you're not talking about putting entire chapters online. (bad idea. BAD. publishers are strict about what counts as prior publication of a story, and unless you were a viral selfpub sensation they usually don't want something that's been published - even in part - online.)

if you share all the details about the plot, or even a really killer hook of a premise that you're proud of: yeah, you do run the risk of it being stolen, and maybe that person writes faster than you and gets it out into the publishing ecosystem first. likely? probably not. possible? sure.

the other half of the argument is arguably even more important, albeit a bit depressing: you're not going to build a community on tumblr of potential readers of an original idea. especially one that doesn't yet exist. or that does exist, but perhaps will never be available for them to read, if the agent/publisher thing doesn't work out.

the exception to this might be if you already have a community of readers, and you're okay with your fandom and authorial personas being directly linked. perhaps you do! perhaps you're a fan writer with a following of readers! in which case I don't think there's any harm in being open & excited on tumblr about the fact that you're also working on original things and hoping to pursue publication.

here's my advice. you can make and post all the aesthetic boards and fun memes and spotify playlists your creative heart desires! do it for yourself, to keep yourself excited about the story. don't hang your heart on anyone else caring about your beloved blorbos yet.

and find a community of people at your career stage. I had a lot of friends who grew up in fandom with me and who were making the shift to original work at the same time. and one day a tumblr friend (hi @english-mace!) DMed me and offered an exchange of beta-reading for short stories, when we were both at the stage of being largely unpublished. and she then invited me into a small groupchat of early-career sff writers who became a great source of support and advice and indulgent listening to me enthusing about my blorbos and wailing about the tribulations of the tradpub process.

sometimes you're lucky. sometimes it's just a matter of asking your best one-or-two friends to let you bounce ideas off them and give you a little confidence boost. and sometimes you have to go looking. there are discords and slacks and facebook groups out there for aspiring writers: find a few, and go digging for your people.

I hope you find a community to share encouragement and joy with, anon. it's so, so hard to be at the stage of being halfway up the hill and bursting to share.

but you're still only halfway up the hill, and only you can get yourself to the summit. keep climbing. pause sometimes and make a beautiful gifset if it makes you happy. and then keep climbing.

good luck!

#ask replies

[childlikegoblinqueen]

SCOM Writing Notes: Because it came up in comment.

So regarding Willow's emotional break. A few prompted by a comment from @immortalmint ! I wanted to address it here because I thought they were important to the narrative.

Because there's a few spoilers, I am putting it below the veil.

TW for some very frank discussions on mental health, pregnancy depression and anxiety, and some other stuff regarding parental illnesses.

Also, the next chapter's track!

Willow talks a lot about feeling like a vessel and having her voice taken away from her while everyone discusses what's best for her.

The whole idea of Willow's body and emotional condition being discussed without her is something that hits VERY close to home. There's a lot of nuance to how --- but in terms of pregnancy, I remember heading to my many appointments in my third trimester and feeling like I was donating my body to science. I would try to explain to the Drs how I felt like I had no place in my life and my pregnancy, and they would kind of blink at me like ... (what?) I have a hard time believing I am the first person who ever said that to them? I was in desperate need of therapy and I really had to seek it out myself. The refrain of "YOU'RE PREGNANT WITH TWINS! YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? WHY AREN'T YOU HAPPY?" was a lot. My body and mind were unraveling and I didn't understand WHY. There's a big need of emotional support in regular medicine. A lot of folks go into the field and CAN do the job, but they are not really capable of the bedside manner needed. I also dealt with this throughout my parents' illnesses. I would try to explain to palliative care Drs WHY my mother, for instance was in need of anti depressants (SHE'S SICK AND HER PROGNOSIS IS NOT GOOD!) And I would get confused looks and answers like "But I don't understand why she's depressed? Why is she experiencing anxiety?" Really?

2. Willow discusses how she feels awful that looking at pictures of her own childhood is so different to these new glimpses of Hunter's very bleak childhood.

I know I've mentioned this before, but a lot of this is inspired by children who have grown up in the spotlight by association, or who have experienced neglect and abuse in the public eye, but it might not have been seen that way until much later in their lives. SCOM Hunter has no interest in being famous, but he's a perfect target for paparazzi. Often (and I know in other countries -- the UK is brutal) the tabloid media treats abuse survivors -- not the best. I think about how the interest seems to be more on the abuse and not the recovery -- or privacy -- or how easily it can fall into victim blaming. Willow states that she loved Hunter before she realized what it meant to love someone who had been through what he had been through. And of course she loves ALL of him, but having to see these moments of his childhood on display when she's shopping for her Rx elixirs at the local store is beyond invasive. Even worse is that she's aware that folks look at him as complicit in his own abuse. ("He willingly used a branding glove, and now he claims sigils are bad?" "He was sitting next to Belos at a petrification! He was just staring! Clearly he felt no remorse!")

3. Vee' admission that she blames herself for Hunter being in danger.

Vee harbors a TON of guilt that Hunter is going to face retribution for massaging the truth during the trials to keep anyone from knowing that she's alive and living her best life in the HR. There's a lot of love between them, and she's already lost "siblings" in Three and Four. She has no idea what happened to them post escape and has to assume the worse. But since the trials, she's discovered that Hunter has been called a liar and though he told the truth about his observations re: The Coven Heads and Kikimora as well as a few other things that were contributed to the outcome of the trials. His mind had been invaded so many times that he can't give any memory photos anymore -- but when it came to his answer on the whereabouts of the basilisks, he tells the Inquisitors that he doesn't know the whereabouts of any basilisks currently residing on the Boiling Isles.

It isn't a LIE but if the trials are reopened and Hunter is questioned and anything he says comes into question -- it could open the door to the trio getting a retrial and being freed.

And obviously, there is NO way Hunter will sell Vee out.

#the owl house #hunter noceda #toh fanfic #sweet child o mine #spotify #toh hunter #willow park #willow x hunter #a03 fanfic #huntlow #vee toh #vee noceda #vee and hunter are siblings #Spotify

[hourglass-dreams]

Bruno Madrigal Mental Health/Neurodivergence Headcanons 💚

Disclaimer: yes I know the movie is about generational trauma within Latin American culture and I am taking that into account. But I also know this (like all types of trauma) effect mental health GREATLY. Bruno also shows clear ND traits whether that be Autism, ADHD, etc... And are underrepresented in Latin American communities. If you disagree that is fine! But I never intend to ignore the culture in any way. When it comes to the OCD stuff, please know that I am not trying to depict superstition and the condition as being the same thing. Someone can be superstitious and not have OCD and vise-versa. OCD is a complex condition that can become disruptive to someone’s life while a superstition is a type of belief or practice. 

Another thing is that half of these will get pretty heavy in nature since trauma, OCD, depression, etc... Are real issues meant to be taken seriously. I will refrain from sharing headcanons that discuss more triggering subject matter ❤️

Alright here we go. 💚 I'll start with the I guess, lighter ones?

I cannot remember who had this first one originally but I loved it. It's basically an idea where Bruno likes tight hugs and deep pressure. So whenever he’s around people and feels overwhelmed his sisters will hug him really tight to ground him. (Over the years they’ve gotten better at recognzing his behavoiral changes since he has a hard time communicating when he’s experiencing overload or severe anxiety, even Alma has begun doing this) And of course he’ll only let specific people hug him like that. In the rare occasion that he isn’t around them in the village, he’ll either run back home or of course have his rats with him. His rats are wonderful comfort animals. Credit to the person who came up with the deep pressure idea!

Along with the deep pressure theme, Mirabel had this idea for a “cuddle blanket” (or, a weighted blanket) for Bruno. So, the grandkids banded together to help her make it, adding in something special from each of them. Isabela grew Lamb’s Ear and Mullien leaves on the outside of it to give it differing textures (those leaves are EXTREMELY soft, it’s insane). There also little pockets on the sides for his rats to climb in. 

When the triplets were children, Bruno would write little messages in wet sand when he couldn’t verbalize what he needed. Pepa started doing this too when she’d give someone the silent treatment XD. 

This is probably surprising to no one but Bruno has a drawer full of salt containers. 

When Bruno returned, he still felt like an intruder so he would just stay in his tower. His sisters or Mirabel had to practically beg him to get out and be with the family.

He always had a fascination with hourglasses even before he got his gift, when he got his tower it came with a random array of hourglasses, one in particular would detect how much time was left until a certain prophecy was fufilled.

When the triples were younger, Bruno had a habit of tapping on of his sisters’ arm. It didn’t always mean he was nervous, it was just a soothing thing. He still does it occasionally. 

Still to do this day, Bruno will occasionally bury himself in the sand of his tower. 

Bruno either makes too much eye contact, or none at all. Literally, the “seeing your dreams” thing derived from him unknowingly staring at someone.

Bruno’s knowledge of theatre allowed him bond a lot with Camilo, and make him WAY less scared of him.

Sometimes in visions, Bruno will watch movies or plays that haven’t even happened yet and unintentionally spoil the details because he gets so excited. 😂

Sometimes on really bad depression days, the grandkids will play out telenovelas for him so he doesn’t have to get up and force any energy. 

Speaking of depression, since Pepa knows how deep and debilitating emotions can get, she tries her best to get Bruno to vent his feelings (When you know.. he wants to and is willing). This has been a great way to rekindle their sibling relationship, and Julieta, being the nurturer that she is, she does whatever she can to comfort them. There were times where all them have started crying. 

Alma has the hardest time communicating so sometimes she will just go into Bruno’s room just to be there to let him know that she cares about him. 

Bruno adopted some mannerisms that resemble his rats 🐀

Alright, now for the more agnsty ones.

Bruno absolutely despises crowds, before he left, riots would ensue around him made up of angry villagers and he would just shut down, unable to react. To try and distract them, Isabela would swing around on her vine and grow vibrant flowers. Being just a young child, she said she didn’t mind doing it but Bruno hated for her to even be around when it happened, along with any of the other grandkids. They were all too young to witness angry mobs, and he didn’t know how to handle them at all. 

There have been times where Bruno will be up all night sprinkling salt between the tiles of Casita and knocking on door frames. 

Okay so you know how I said he has a collection of hourglasses? Yeah well one day after having an argument with Alma over the townspeople and his gift, he broke one of those hourglasses in anger. What makes matters worse is that it was the large one tied to his power. Luckily, it gradually repaired itself. 

In the first few years of Bruno having his gift, he would cry whenever he had visions because he would have a really hard time processing everything that was going on, like the sights, sounds, bodily sensations, etc.. It was a lot to handle sensory wise, on top of him being a child. 

On the topic of his visions being overwhelming, there were times where Bruno would cause himself to bleed from scratching his eyes so hard, luckily he hasn’t blinded himself (well... yet any way).

Sadly there are things Julieta’s food can’t heal, like Bruno’s vision headaches and the recurring bruises on his knuckles. 

Bruno has a really bad habit of hitting himself in the head and puling his hair. His rats are fortunately able to prevent him from doing this by distracting him. 

Bruno has a very vague idea of what he looks like because of his eisoptrophobia (or spectrophobia, fear of mirrors). He only knows from Camilo or distorted reflections in glass or porcelian. His family has been trying to help ease his anxiety with gradual success. 

There are times where Bruno will be so disoriented from a vision or dream he had that he will have severe derealization for a few days. (A state of feeling detached from yourself and or your surroundings or feeling like things aren’t real). 

After Pedro died, Alma became hypervigilant and grew more superstitious for a few years, so she often blames herself for Bruno’s ecessive superstitiousness and anxiety. (She blames herself for so many things...)

I might add to this?? Idk <3

#encanto #bruno madrigal #bruno madrigal headcanons #neurodivergent #neurodivergence headcanons #mental health headcanons #this has been sitting in my drafts #bruno my beloved

[kieranduffygirlporn]

gonna talk a bit about what it's been like for me the past couple days. just need to be heard and to type out all my thoughts & feelings about being an introject w/ an introject partner in all this. Hopefully you'll get something out of this

tw for abuse, disordered eating, very BPD happenings, one moment of suicidal ideation

warning: really fucking long and not the most organized thing in the world

I never talked about this here or really anywhere on any other blog but hi. I'm Ida. I'm the second host @/dearfauxpas and our system has seen since our syscovery. .... past this I literally cannot start to describe my identity without talking about Wilbur. I'm sat here struggling to conjure anything.

The reason for this is twofold. I, myself, am an introject, of a bit of art we have at the beginning of our main/art blog that kind of backfired because we never ended up posting much art. The second reason, and the main reason, is that my boyfriend is a cc!Wilbur introject in our system.

When we started dating two years ago, I was at probably one of the lowest points that I have been at as an alter myself. It was a month after I formed and I was still incredibly attached to my source. When I formed and even today, I am still the only alter in the system who has a feminine aligned gender. I changed my name to Ida the night I formed because I named myself after a pet I had in-source. My source (I'm sure you'll be shocked to know) was incredibly mentally ill, and as a result, I formed as a symptom holder for our worsening borderline symptoms. I've also only started talking about this to very close friends within the past couple days but our early relationship/the first six months was tumultuous. I was possessive, obsessive, and paranoid. I also had issues with thoughts of disordered eating and at one point went four days eating about the caloric equivalent of a single bagel per day because I was so depressed.

My system and particularly my love saved me. Over time, my paranoia that he'd leave me subsided, and we become much happier, which is what lead to me becoming the host as our previous host's mental health declined due to many factors.

During the span of our relationship, we played a lot into our introject identities (sootcest lmfao). I became a lot more independent from my source and recovered from a lot of my paranoia. I thought I had simply beaten our BPD traits, and that they were gone forever (with one exception). I thought my disordered eating thoughts had vanished and I was going to spend forever happy with him.

However, foolishly, because of this play we did with our introject identities, I allowed my feelings for my boyfriend to mix with my feelings for the actual person. I tried to maintain a degree of separation between the two, in that I would refrain from doing weird stalker shit and at some points I would be made uncomfortable with the stuff that he shared on stream because I wanted to know very little about him personally. But I let them mix, because hey, why not? We were having fun. There's no reason not to. It's not like he's an awful person, right?

Right?

Part 2: He's an awful person

There were a few points in which, mostly when other CC drama was at a high point, I'd ask myself a couple questions.

1. What would I do if my boyfriend ever left me?

2. What would I do if it came to light that Wilbur was a horrible human being?

The answer to number one was the exception to the thought that all my borderline symptoms had simply vanished, and, rather well-adjustedly, it was "Kill myself."* (*Like in headspace. I never thought it was worth it to kill the whole body over my own issues.)

The answer to number two was "I don't know."

And that is how I've been feeling since Wednesday night. I don't know.

At first, I thought there was no way it could be true. I searched for any information that could tell me that people were wrong. I literally blocked myself from Twitter because I knew going on it would be a form of emotional self-harm, but I obsessively checked tags on discourse, Shelby, and Wilbur, waiting for anyone to post any evidence that it wasn't so. I spent an entire day outside of home feeling completely nauseous any time I wasn't directly talking to someone.

It's hard to articulate exactly what it felt like once I got home to charge my phone and I knew. It was kind of slow. Every new piece of information I learned made it worse and worse until it was just undeniable.

It was like everything I thought I had buried came back with a vengeance. I stopped eating and drinking, my entire brain felt like it short circuited and previously when I had at least been able to focus on other things for short stints, he was all I could think about.

There were times, especially after I thought I had gotten rid of the borderline traits, that I would become hyperfixated on something that was my boyfriend or his source and it would feel like I was going to melt and die. I genuinely cannot be away from him for too long or my mental health will shit the bed. When I was with him, though, and when I filled every part of my senses with only him, his face, his voice, the way he holds me even if the feeling is blunted by the fact that he's just another part of our brain, it was always the happiest I'd ever feel. I can't have that anymore.

I really can't describe the mood swings and the physical pain that I've experienced as a result of this without feeling like people will think I am exaggerating. Like. psychology wasn't lying that borderline personality traits can really borderline. It feels like I'm losing half of what made me myself. I felt while crying over this multiple times that without him I'd die and that I need him to live. For two years, my entire identity and reason for existing was him.

I don't know where to go from here. I haven't even talked about how this is affecting my boyfriend. Before I felt like I had a good grasp on what I was going to be doing in the next minutes or hours or even days but now I can't even imagine what ten seconds will be.

My entire brain is constantly screaming for him to come back, but I can't indulge in anything that doesn't support the guy because every time I see his face or hear his voice now my brain screams that he is repulsive.

The worst part is that over the last two years I have become so conditioned to never ever be angry at my boyfriend that I cannot feel any rage over this. In any normal circumstance I'd feel angry that someone had been hurt and their abuser had been allowed to escape the consequences for so long, but I can't. I can only feel like I need him, but I can't have him because he's tainted. I am so disgusted but I can't handle seeing anyone angry at him because I still love him and I still want him to be happy.

I feel really gross knowing that I've dedicated so much of my love to someone so terrible. I know my boyfriend feels like his skin has been tainted and I am struggling now to look at his face and focus on him in headspace because it's now all painted in a negative life. It's so awful because he has always loved being himself and has always felt so connected to his source, even as the time passed.

Part 3: so what's the point

I've spent most of this time feeling completely alone. I don't know anyone personally who could possibly feel the same way that I do.

I guess I just want anyone who reads this, who feels alone like I do, or feels like they're not reacting in the "right" way to understand that it's okay. You aren't alone. No matter how isolated you feel or like your problems are entirely unique to you, there is someone out there who understands. And also there's a very slim chance that you'll ever be more cringe than me.

The grieving process is ugly and it is agonizing. If anyone wants to DM me on this blog or another, to share anything they're thinking, like really anything at all there's a lot I didn't cover on this post, I will listen.

And to any introjects, I love you. We can make it through. We have survived so much worse. You don't have to be anybody but yourself. And be careful out there. If you become so mixed up in someone's source like we did, please plan an out. Don't make the same mistake I did and just assume it would all be fine forever. There's a very real chance it doesn't.

#wilbur soot introject #wilbur fictive #wilbur factive #dsmp introject #introject #idk. this is geared more for traumagenic sys but if youre endo thats whatever #judt for any systems having a rough patch because of this

[ray-talks]

2/7/24

as you can see, i did not post yesterday.

i straight-up binged yesterday. not even that i ate more than i would have liked, i ate until my stomach hurt, and i became nauseous. halting my progress with weight loss is one thing -- and, yes, it is terrible and i am horrified. but what truly irks me, and legitimately unsettles me, is the betrayal of my own principles. am i seriously all talk? am i hypocrite through and through? am i lying to myself? i worry that i am not who i think i am -- or maybe i do know who i am deep down, but don't want to meet eyes with it. what conclusion i draw is that i am a weak-minded person, i do not have actual convictions, and i do whatever is easiest for me. i cannot commit to anything -- life or death, happiness or suffering, so i just meander between the two. i made a goal with intentions to suffer and create meaning from it, so i can die peacefully. if i am not following this, then what the fuck am i doing?

yesterday was so upsetting to me, that it kept playing in my head throughout today, unable to let it go and making me feel sick. it made me more suicidal than i already am. i have been intentionally refraining from these lines of thought, so it does not hinder my goals, and i try not consider it until it is the right time. but i couldn't stop from having these thoughts today. if i were to pursue these, it would have to give great certainty, because i am not failing again, and ending up hospitalized. i'd have to try a more directly fatal method then past attempts; this however, is hard, because i have to have a greater gall to do it. it's a lot easier to coax yourself into taking a bottle of pills, then the alternative method i am considering. i wonder if i even have the strength to do it, or if i am too much of a fucking coward? so pathetic.

even so, this isn't relevant yet, because i refuse to act on these impulses for the time being. i cannot let this intercede my plans. i've stated this before, but caving in leads to mistakes -- errors that i cannot afford. the possibility of failure is not something i want to risk happening. i'd also be throwing all my efforts, my goal, to the wind. i am not willing to give that up yet. it will defeat the entire purpose of my wish. i'll die accomplishing nothing, really being the useless person i have always believed myself to be, and the weak-minded individual i characterized above. at least if i push myself to the limit, it says something about me -- that i can be passionate and purposeful, instead of a body that simply is alive, but ultimately, devoid of any soul.

again, i am so perturbed by all this is because i am ruining my goal, i am going against what i claim to care about. maybe i hate being human, that full-control will forever be beyond my grasp. a part of me always has and will long for perfection. regardless, i need to remember that mistakes are inevitable, and will be inevitable for me, and to not let my emotions best me. if i stumble on my path, i have to regain balance, brush myself off, and continue forward. i have no other choice. i am such a jumble of contradictions, it's so hard to decipher for me what i even believe. when i'm lying, when i'm telling the truth. my problem is that i think too hard about it; i question every little action i take, and waste time trying to consider what it means and why. it doesn't actually matter. all that matters is getting my shit together long enough to win. falling into pieces can wait. i desperately need to focus.

another piece of information to mention is that i attended a consultation for interventional psychiatry. essentially, the psychiatrist recommended me to do either esketamine or tms (transcranial magnetic stimulation). this is problematic to me. based on how they described it, it sounded too effective, stating around 70% of patients reduce their depression symptoms by 50% -- either that, or the psychiatrist was trying to market it in the most flattering light. obviously, i do not want to be altered by this procedure. i have no desire to "improve" my mental health -- it would be counterproductive to my goal. i need to be in a depressed enough mindset to accomplish what i set out to do. and, on top of that, securing stability in happiness is no longer a priority to me. i am not interested in it.

the reason why i can't just refuse to do this, is because i am being forced to by my parents. even though, i am a legal adult now and can't be technically forced to do anything, i have to maintain a good relationship with them. i need the appearance of stability to protect myself, and more specifically and above all else, my eating disorder. i am financially dependent upon them, and i do care about them and i have a motivation to shield them from the reality of my situation (whether this is out of selflessness or selfishness is debatable). the reason i attend therapy and take my medications is to satisfy them. but i am also aware, the medication and therapy do not change me in ways i dislike. i have no idea what these procedures would do to me. i want to confidently say it'll make no difference, but i have gotten warier. i do not believe manipulating them into thinking that i am better and do not need these procedures would work. so, it would seem my hands are tied. i'll continue to update about this as it either comes to fruition or the aftermath of it.

on today's restriction, it could have been better, which is also irritating, considering the fiasco over yesterday. i have still yet to attempt purging again to see if it is working again. i was originally going to try again after wednesday, but i think that i might see my friend tomorrow instead of friday, and i'll be unable to. i'm not sure if this is necessarily a bad thing, because perhaps waiting longer may hopefully convince my body to work properly. i will admit, though, that i am hesitating because i am afraid of discovering that my break did nothing. then again, i suppose nothing can be done, and i would have to rely purely on restriction. this would definitely be a significant blow to me nevertheless, morale-wise and goal-wise. since i am unable to fast for days and have to restrict my intake instead, no longer having purging as an option, would be a hindrance. i really don't want to have to think about this.

goodness, this might be the longest entry i have ever made. i have a feeling no one will read this one (lol). even so, if you managed to read all this, despite my incessant complaining and unsavory pity-party throwing, then i congratulate you. i hope you have a better day than mine.

#ray talks #tw ana diary #mental health diary #tw restrictive ed #ed not ed sheeran

[roleplay-abiogenesis2]

[Sensitive] Let's Talk RP and Mental Illness

//Hello hello, Saru-mun here to post a lil disclaimer that I felt to be due on my blog for quite some time now.

Let me preface all this by saying that yours truly has past and present long-lived experiences with mental illness, as someone affected directly by it and even indirectly when co-existing with others affected by it. Nothing in this post comes from a place of ignorance, intolerance, or even indifference to it.

I've always been a reserved person when it comes to my personal mental health. Oversharing and "trauma-dumping" have put a stigma on being overly open about these things, and I for one loathe the idea of being labeled as the person "playing the victim card". That said, I'm happy to find that this personal choice of mine does not reflect in my writing and roleplay. I like to write on these topics and explore their intricate and deep thematics like most other people here.

With THAT said as well however, I am also someone who puts a priority on realism before all else.

We live in a very lucky time for mental health awareness. Psychology studies have made leaps and bounds and uncovered, identified and explained many aspects of mental illness that I still remember being completely misunderstood and unheard of when I was a child. I think it is great and am thankful for this progress.

This however is due to the world we live in and the many advancements research has made over the years. This is a factor that I am never unaware of and that I am unwilling to cheapen by pretending it's to be given for granted.

What does it mean exactly? It means that when writing in settings that do not match our present-day progress, I will keep that in mind and have my muses match the emotional intelligence and knowledge that I would expect to be average in the world and universe they live in.

You probably should not expect Cyno the desert-dweller with a degree in elemental studies to know much about things like autism, PTSD, identity disorders or depression. The world he belongs to simply does not reflect that degree of awareness towards these conditions and as such, characters that belong in it should not be expected to understand them like we do in real life.

What should you expect? Ignorance and the mistakes born from it. Expect him to think your muse with executive dysfunction is lazy. To point out smell and filth if they are not able to keep up with their hygiene. Expect him to be confused by things like panic attacks, or to not understand one's deep-rooted anxieties.

In fact, Cyno himself has some degree of mental health problems that he is completely unaware of. And I've made him this way on purpose, because I remember the way I behaved about my own mental illness when I lived in a time where it was poorly understood. I downplayed it to personal flaws of mine that I should overcome.

You should expect this from any of my muses who live in a universe that is not as advanced as our real lifetime. My Mystic Messenger characters for example are more likely to be aware of these issues compared to, say, my Japanese feudal era demon lord character.

Why have I decided to go this route? Because I think mental health is important, and so is its history. I do not like the idea of pretending that the problems surrounding it and our understanding of mental illness never existed. These are stories that truly happened, and I want my readers to remember this, because it is by its mistakes that humankind has learned to be better. I want the ignorance of my muses to be a lesson, and a warning.

With that out of the way, I am making this post because the last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable. If you think something like a negative or indifferent reaction to your muse's mental illness might be something too insensitive for you to handle, then please, please please refrain from bringing these topics to the table with my muses.

You can talk to me OOCly if you're unsure how my muses would respond to these topics as well. I don't like breaking character (or what I perceive to be in-character for my muse anyway), but I am open to discussion and compromise on the language used in my responses if it will help you be comfortable with my portrayal more. A solution can almost always be found.

This turned stupid long already, so I'll be back to draft mountain now. You be good and stay off my soda.

Saru-mun\\

#00a || saru-mun is still alive! [ooc] #cw: mental illness mention

[thezfc]

"I didn't even know they were together until Ibiza and I never denied that they were together.

But I will say this, my gut is telling me that something is wrong with this relationship and they always say trust your gut.

If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But I can't deny what I feel."

I'm in the same boat. Things we read/see on the internet must always be taken with a grain of salt, so I refrained from publicly having an opinion on these two until the Ibiza photos (in which Tom looked utterly miserable in) confirmed they were together.

Also, my gut has been telling me the same thing, for about a year now. The '22 Bafta's were awkward because the whole time Tom looked nervous, fidgety, and his handful of smiles didn't reach his eyes and looked forced. The man clearly didn't want to be there. Not saying that's because of Zawe BUT ... the fact that they've only been spotted out and about TOGETHER a handful of times since then is very odd. And when they are both finally papped recently ... again they are not together. It could be nothing, but it's very weird that they don't seem to get out TOGETHER and do date nights much. And nobody will convince me it's because "they simply haven't been caught yet blah blah blah." Tom literally can't step out to walk his dog without getting papped, so if they were doing regular date nights, or any events for that matter, I guarantee you one of Tom's stalkers would have seen it. Not to mention Zawe's behavior during her pregnancy after it was confirmed was also just ... odd. She behaved/talked like a single woman about to become a single mother. It's her prerogative to behave how she wants, but there was something just off there.

I've long suspected Tom to be suffering from depression ever since 2016 and the whole T-swift fiasco. I deal with crippling depression daily and am usually pretty good at recognizing the symptoms in other people, and Tom pings like crazy to me. The tricky thing with depression is that it can make you think you feel things that, later on when you've crawled out of the pit of despair, you realize you never felt. It feels like being stuck out in the middle of an ocean, where you're just struggling to stay afloat from day-to-day, which means you're going to desperately grasp at the first flotation device that comes your way. If a strong, dominant woman like Zawe comes along who aggressively goes after what she wants, I could see Tom, in his depression-addled mind, getting mixed up with his feelings and looking at her through rose-colored glasses. I'm speaking from experience, so while there's no way to prove my theory, I can tell you it's definitely possible that Tom may be getting close to his "oh-sh*t-what-have-I-done-with-my-life" moment. When it happened to me, it took me six years to recognize all the mistakes my depression wouldn't let me see, so Tom still has some time lol (kidding). One thing the shippers fail to grasp is that there's SO MUCH more to compatibility than "they're both British actors who like theater and literature and they just look so good together." The shippers seem to be convinced this makes them soulmates, but there's so much more to it than that. Depression often hides incompatibilities from you until much much later on when you finally start getting help and healing from it.

Just recognize that this is your individual opinion and that you’re looking at this from your point of you based on things that you’ve experienced.

[acacia-may]

Can you do Sanemi and Genya platonic relationship for the song headcanon thing? I don't want to say exactly because of spoilers but you know what I mean... The new season really hit me in the feels for them. Thx

Oh my goodness, Anon! I am literally squealing over this ask and completely sobbing too...just so many emotions about these two! 😭 And yes I absolutely know what you mean!! To avoid spoilers though, I am going to be safe and put all of this under the cut. Thank you so much for sending this in and for playing my song + headcanon ask game! Cheers!! 💕

Major Spoilers for Demon Slayer through the end of the manga!

THE SHINAZUGAWA BROTHERS!! *sobs* Goodness gracious do I have songs for them! My favorite is probably "Forest Fire" by Brighton--such a deep, emotionally raw song but so depressing and angsty especially when thinking of Genya and Sanemi (so you really do have to be the right mood for it). It has since become an anthem for all of my favorite complicated brother relationships, but it started off as a Shinazugawa Brothers song and I think it fits them the best, especially given how completely devastated Sanemi was to lose Genya.

I really think the refrain: "And how was I to know I'm not strong? I should have saved you. And oh, I hope you know that you're my home, but now I'm lost, so lost" perfectly sums up exactly how Sanemi felt after losing his brother: the pain, the guilt, and the grief he feels and how he is just so lost without his brother (the related ending line "How was I to know that you were my home, but now I'm lost" also hits like a punch to the gut in this context). Also, the lines: "And then the fire started building up inside--exploding blinding lights. Now I'm the one left screaming through the night" gives me chills when I think about Sanemi and the "fire...inside" of him (his anger and how he lashed out at his brother) and how that ultimately left him alone in the world, literally screaming in anguish in one of the most heart-wrenching scenes in the entire series.

Anyway, for my related headcanon, however, I'm going to pull inspiration from the first verse and go for hurt/comfort rather than angst:

When Genya was very little, he used to have nightmares especially when there was stormy weather, but Sanemi was always there to comfort him. He used to curl up next to him and gently ruffle his hand through his brother's hair until he calmed enough to fall back asleep. Even when Genya was asleep again, Sanemi wouldn't leave him and would fall asleep himself right by his brother's side.

Angsty edition: To this day Sanemi sometimes finds himself waking up in the middle of the night reaching out for Genya, but he's no longer there...

Forest Fire - YouTube

Honorable mention because actually when I finished the KNY manga, I listened to the duet version of the song "Brother" (YouTube) (by needtobreathe and Gavin DeGraw) and cried real, literal tears imagining it was Genya and Sanemi singing to each other. [And even though it's been a while, I just heard the non-duet version the other day and actually started tearing up ngl lol]. There are just some excellent lines here that really remind me of the Shinazugawa brothers! "Get a little restless from the searching/Get a little worn down in between" reminds me of Genya and "There's a cage locked around my heart" and the whole section "I ain't made for a rivalry/I could never take the world alone/I know that in my weakness I am strong/It's your love that brings me home" really reminds me of Sanemi (and how he really feels about his brother).

#shinazugawa brothers #sanemi shinaguzawa #shinazugawa sanemi #genya shinazugawa #shinaguzawa genya #demon slayer shinazugawa #cries about the shinazugawa brothers *FOREVER* 😭 #kny spoilers #demon slayer spoilers #song + headcanon ask game #answered anons

[riddle-me-ri]

Heyo everybody! HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

I have another wee update before the start of the new year! (and I have to pass out in order to be up and at work at 7 am rip)

First off, I just wanted to thank you guys so much for your support and for getting me out of a tough spot this last couple of weeks. A lot of stuff was going on and getting into my head. I'm getting better at it, slowly but surely…and taking it day by day.

However, there's something I kinda wanna get off my chest, in hopes that maybe it can alleviate some of my other anxieties of posting and creating content...

I've been mulling over how to make this post for a hot minute. And I think I'm ready to finally put it out there, especially in time for the new year where I have no doubt more requests will be rolling in.

I won't highlight or detail any specific requests in my inbox I have now, but I will just say I have unfortunately had to delete several requests in my inbox that I feel I wasn't able to get to or I feel like I wasn't able to fulfill properly. 

I know some of you wonder if it may or may not be yours, I don’t really wanna share the ones I didn’t do because I don’t wanna put anyone on blast (even if its anon, I don’t want anyone to feel discouraged) plus they’ve already been deleted so I couldn’t go back and find them if I tried. 

However, here’s some…I guess hints? To what type of requests may have gotten deleted? Or like what to avoid requesting me in the future? I dunno the best way to put it rip

I do ask you guys to refrain from things involving parenthood, pregnancy, or children. 

Pregnancy scares the shit out of me. I know to many it’s a beautiful natural thing, but all I can think about is the movie Alien and having some being sucking the life force out of me. I can get the appeal in some ways, but not enough to where I feel comfortable writing about it. 

I deal with kids on a fairly regular basis (I work at a pet store that some people use as a free day care) so it's hard for me to like...get in the mindset for them. I just can’t stand kids that have had zero discipline and coming home from work to try and work on a request with kids is just really difficult for me rip

I know I wrote one thing with the Riddler's being dads, and I had fun with the dialogue and the hilarious scenario, but that's as far as I want it to go.

Another type of request I’ve been struggling with, is requests dealing with mental health. I’ve gotten a couple requests for an autistic reader and I’ve tried doing research and asking around, but I’m worried that no matter how much research I do…I won’t ever be able to fully grasp it in terms of a character that has it. I can write about anxiety and depression cause I suffer from it, but I don’t wanna risk the chance of offending someone or being way off! I’d highly advise that you guys reach out to authors that are autistic and can write your neat ideas to full proper fruition! I have no doubt they’d appreciate the opportunity!  

One more thing, please when requesting, give me everything you can think of. The more suggestions, ideas, prompts, etc. you guys give me the more I can work with. 

It doesn't have to be anything crazy specific but something other than "*insert character trope* reader and riddler" would be gratefully appreciated. 

I do appreciate the creative freedom, but it’s also really easy to feel like I’m just a content engine meant to just pump something out from the bare minimum. 

I hope this helps!

 I just wanna apologize in advance to all the people who sent me a request that got deleted. The number was just getting too much for me and I wanna make room for newer requests in the future and alleviate some of the pressure of not being able to fulfill a certain idea or prompt.

Thank you guys so much for understanding, I hope you know that I still appreciate the fact so many of you trust me with your ideas but some of them I just couldn't find the inspiration for or couldn't get in a proper headspace for and just hope you guys can understand!

I love you all! Here’s to a happy new year! See you guys soon!

#ri updates #ri rambles #i really really hope you guys can understand #i am just one writer #on the internet #among a plethora of other writers #and a lot of ideas #just aren't going to click with me #i just hope you know #that doesn't mean your ideas #or prompts are bad #i'm just not the writer for them #and that's fine!